wit for money, or, poet stutter a dialogue between smith, johnson, and poet stutter : containing reflections on some late plays and particularly, on love for money, or, the boarding school.

seven new colloquies translated out of erasmus roterodamus as also the life of erasmus / by mr. brown. colloquia. selections. english erasmus, desiderius, d. . approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : - (eebo-tcp phase ). a wing e estc r ocm this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) seven new colloquies translated out of erasmus roterodamus as also the life of erasmus / by mr. brown. colloquia. selections. english erasmus, desiderius, d. . brown, thomas, - . 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ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf- unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p , characters represented either as utf- unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng erasmus, desiderius, d. . - tcp assigned for keying and markup - aptara keyed and coded from proquest page images - amanda watson sampled and proofread - amanda watson text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion seven new colloquies translated out of erasmus roterodamus . as also the life of erasmus . by mr. brown. london , printed for charles brome at the gun at the west-end of st. paul's church-yard . . the life of erasmus . erasmus , so deservedly famous for his admirable writings , the vast extent of his learning , his great candor and moderation , and for being one of the chief restorers of the purity of the latin tongue on this side the alpes , was born at rotterdam on the th of october in the year . indeed the anonymous author of his life , commonly printed at the end of his colloquies ( of the london edition ) is pleased to tell us , that de anno , quo natus est apud batavos , non constat , and if himself writ the life , which we find before the elzevir edition , and is there said to be erasmo autore , he does not particularly mention the year in which he was born , but places it circa annum supra millesimum quadringentesimum . another latin life which is prefixed to the abovemention'd london edition in octavo , fixes it in the year , as likewise does his epitaph at basil. but as the inscription of his statue at rotterdam , the place of his nativity , may reasonably be supposed to be the most authentic testimony , we have here thought fit to follow that . his mother's name was margaret , daughter to one peter a physician , born at sevenbergen in holland ; his father's name gerard , who entertained a private correspondence with her upon promise of marriage , and was actually contracted to her , as the life which carries ersumus's name before , it , seems to insinuate by these words , sunt qui intercessisse verba dicunt . * his father was the youngest of ten brothers , without one sister coming ing between , for which reason , the old people according to the superstition of those times , design'd to consecrate him to the church , and his brothers liked the motion well enough , because , as the church-men then govern'd all , they hoped , if he thrived upon his profession , to have a sure friend where they might eat , and drink , and make merry upon occasion ; but no importunities whatever cou'd prevail upon gerard to turn ecclesiastic . thus finding himself perpetually press'd upon so ungrateful an argument , and not able any longer to bear it , he was forced in his own defence to shift his quarters and fly for it ; leaving a letter for his friends upon the road , wherein he acquainted them with the reason of his departure , and concluded that he would never trouble them any more . thus he left his spouse that was to be , big with child , and made the best of his way to rome . in this city he maintain'd himself very handsomely by his pen , at which he was an admirable master , transcribing most authors of note ( for printing was not then known , * tum nondum ars typographorum erat ) and for some time lived at large , as young fellows use to do , but afterwards applied himself seriously to his studies , made a great progress in the greek and latin languages , as likewise in the civil law ; which he had the better opportunity of doing , because rome at that time was full of learned men , and because as has been intimated before , his necessities obliged him to transcribe books for his livelyhood , and consequently must impress them strongly in his memory . when his friends knew that he was at rome , they sent him word that the young gentlewoman , whom he courted for a wife , was dead , which he believing to be true , in a melancholy fit took orders , and wholly turned his thoughts to the study of divinity . when he returned to his native country , he found to his grief that he had been imposed upon , however it was too late then to think of marriage ; so he dropt all farther pretensions to his mistress , neither would she after this unlucky adventure be induced to marry . his son from him took the name of gerard , which in the german language signifies amiable , and after the fashion of the learned men of that age , who affected to give their names either a greek or latin turn , ( as for instance oecolampadius , crinitus , melancthon , pontanus , theocrenius , pelargus , &c. ) he turn'd it into desiderius ( didier ) which in latin , and into erasmus , which in greek has the same force and signification . he was chorister of the cathedral church of utrecht , till he was nine years old , after which he was sent to deventer , to be instructed by the famous alexander hegius , a westphalian , an intimate friend to the learned rodolphus agricola then newly returned out of italy , and who from him had learn'd the greek tongue , which rodolphus first brought from the other side of the mountains into germany . under so able a master he proved an extraordinary * proficient , and 't is remarkable that he had so prodigious a memory , that he was able to say all terence and horace by heart . all this while he was under the watchful eye of his mother , who died of the plague then raging at deventer , he being then about thirteen years old , which cruel contagion daily increasing , and having swept away the family where he boarded , he was obliged to return home . his father gerard was so concerned at her death , that he grew melancholy upon it and died soon after , neither of his parents being much above when they deceased . erasmus had three guardians assign'd him , the chief of whom was peter winkel , school-master of goude , and the fortune that was left him might have supported him handsomely enough , if the executors had faithfully discharged their trust . by them he was removed to boisledue , though he was at that time fit for the university , but the trustees were utterly averse to send him thither , because they design'd him for a monastic life . here , as he himself owns , he lost very near three years , living in a franciscan convent , where one rombold taught humanity , who was exceedingly taken with the pregnant parts of the boy , and daily importun'd him to take the habit upon him , and make one of their number . the boy alledged the rawness of his age as a sufficient excuse ; and upon the spreading of the plague into these parts , after he had strugled a long while with a quartan ague , he returned to his guardians , having by this time arrived to an indifferent good style , by his daily reading of the best classick authors . the above-mention'd raging distemper had carried off one of his guardians ; and the other two having managed his fortune with none of the greatest care , began to consider how to fix him in some monastery . erasmus , who was not as yet fully recover'd from his ague , had no great inclinations for the cloister , not that he had the least disrelish to the severities of a pious life , but he could not easily reconcile himself to the monastic profession , for which reason he he desired some farther time to consider better of the matter . all this while his guardians employed the people about him to use all manner of arguments to bring him over , who sometimes threatned him with the fatal consequences he must expect in case of a denyal , and sometimes alter'd their language and endeavoured to effect their designs by flattery and fair speeches . in this interim they found out a place for him in * sion , a college of canons regulars , and the principal house belonging to that chapter not far from delft , when the day came in which he was to give his final answer , the young man fairly told them , that he neither knew what the world was , nor what a monastery was , nor yet what himself was , and therefore humbly conceived it to be more adviseable to pass a few years more at school , till he was better acquainted with himself . when winkel his guardian found him not to be moved from this resolution , he told him , that he had spent his time , to a fine purpose , in making of friends and employing all his interest to procure this preferment for an obstinate boy , that knew not what was convenient for him . but , continues he , since i find you are possess'd with a spirit of obstinacy , e'en take what follows for your pains , i throw up my guardian-ship from this moment , and now you may maintain yourself . young erasmus immediately replied that he took him at his word , since he was old enough now to look out for himself . when the other found that threatning signified nothing , he under-hand employed his brother , who was the other a guardian , to see what he coud do by fair means . thus he was surrounded by them and their agents on all hands , his ague still kept close to him , yet for all this a monastic life woud not goe down with him . at last by meer accident he went to visit a religious house belonging to the same order in emaus , or steyn near goude , where it was his fortune to meet with one cornelius , who had been his chamber-fellow at deventer . since that time he had travell'd into italy , but without making any great improvements in his learning , and tho' he had not then taken the sacred habit upon him , yet with all the eloquence he was master of , he was perpetually preaching up the mighty advantages of a religious life , such as the convenience of noble libraries , the helps of learned conversation , the retiring from the noise and folly of the world , and the like . at , the same time others were employed to talk the same language to him ; besides his old persecutor the ague continued to torment him , and thus at last he was induced to pitch upon this convent . upon his admission they fed him with great promises to engage him to take the holy cloath ; but tho' he found every thing almost fell vastly short of his expectation here , yet partly his necessities joyn'd with his modesty , and partly the ill usage he was threatn'd with , in case he abandon'd their order , obliged him after his year of probation was expir'd , to profess himself a member of their fraternity . not long after this he had the honour to be known to henry à bergis bishop of cambray , who having some hopes of obtaining a cardinal's hat , in which design he had certainly succeeded , had not his money , the never-failing recommender to the sacred purple , been deficient , wanted one that was a master of the latin tongue , to sollicit this affair for him . for this reason he was taken into the bishop's family , where he wore the habit of his order , but finding his patron , who was disappointed of the promotion he expected at rome , fickle and wavering in his affections , he prevailed with him to send him to paris , to prosecute his studies in that famous university , with the promise of an annual allowance , which however was never pay'd him , after the mode of great persons , who think their quality excuses them from being vassals to their word . he was admitted into montague college , where by ill diet , and a damp chamber he contracted an indisposition , which obliged him to return to the bishop , by whom he was very courteously and honourably entertain'd . he no sooner found himself re-established in his health , but he made a iourney into holland , intending to settle there , but he was perswaded at the instance of his friends to go a second time to paris , where having no patron to support him , he rather made a shift to live ( if i may use his own expression ) than cou'd be said to study . after this he visited england in company with a young gentleman , a pupil of his , but who to use his own expression , was rather his friend than his patron . here he was received with universal respect , and as it appears by several of his letters , he honoured it next to the place of his a nativity . in one of them addressed to b andrelinus , he invites him to come into england , if it were only upon the score of the charming beauties with which that island abounded he pleasantly describes to him the innocent freedom and complaisance of the english ladies . when you come into a gentleman's house , says he , you are allow'd the favour to salute them , and you do the same when you take your leave . upon this subject he talks very feelingly , but without making any injust reflections upon the vertue of our women , as several foreigners , and particularly the french writers , have impudently done . it appears that learning flourish'd exceedingly in england when erasmus was here c apud anglos triumphant bonae literae , recta studia . nay he does not doubt in d another letter , to put it in the same scale with italy it self , e and particularly commends the english nobility for their great application to all useful learning , and entertaining themselves at their tables with learned discourses ; whereas nothing but ribbaldry and prophaneness made up the table-talk of the church-men . he tells us himself in his own life , that he won the affections of all * good men in our island during his residence here , and particularly for an act of generosity , which cannot be enough commended . as he was going for france , it was his ill fortune at dover to be stript of all he had about him , however he was so far from revenging this injury , by reflecting upon our nation , which that haughty censurer julius scaliger afterwards did upon no provocation in a most brutal manner ; that he immediately published a book in praise of the king and nation . however not meeting the preferment which he expected , he made a voyage to italy , which countrey at that time cou'd boast of a set of learned men , and a vein of learning little inferior to that of the augustan age. he took his doctor of divinity 's degree in the university of turin , tarried above a year in bolognia , and afterwards went to venice , where he published his book of adagies in the famous aldus's printing-house . from thence he removed to padua , and last of all came to rome , where his great merits had made his presence expected long before his arrival . he soon gain'd the esteem and friendship of all the considerable persons of that city , either for their quality or their learning , and cou'd not have failed of making his fortune there , if his friends in england upon the coming of henry the viiith . to the crown had not by their great promises prevail'd with him to leave italy for england . here he intended to have setled for the remainder of his life , had these gentlemen been as good as their words to him , but whether erasmus was wanting to make his court aright to wolsey who carried all before him , or whether that cardinal looked with a jealous eye upon him , because warham archbishop of canterbury , between whom and vvolsey there was perpetual clashing , had taken him into his favour , as appeared by his bestowing the living of aldington in kent upon him ; 't is certain that upon this disappointment he went to flanders , where by the interest of the chancellor sylvagius , he was made counsellor to charles of austria , who was afterwards so well known in the world , by the name of charles the fifth emperour of germany . he resided several years at basil , chiefly for the sake of frobenius , a learned and eminent printer , to whose son he dedicated his book of colloquies , and published several books there ; but so soon as the reformers had abolished the mass in that city , he left it , and retired to friburg , a town of alsace , where he lived seven years in great esteem and reputation , not only with all persons of any note in the university , but with the chief magistrates of the place , and all the citizens in general . he was at last obliged to leave this city upon the account of his health , and returned to basil. his distemper was the gout , which after a tedious persecution left him ; but he was soon seized by a new enemy , the dysentery , under which having laboured very near a whole month , he * died on the th of july , about midnight , in the house of jerome frobenius , son to john the famous printer , above-mentioned , having by his will appointed amberbachius an eminent civilian , nicolaus episcopus , and his landlord frobenius , his executors , and order'd what he left behind him , to be laid out , in relieving of the aged and impotent , in giving portions to poor young maidens , in maintaining of hopeful students at the university , and the like charitable uses . he was honourably interred , and the city of basil still pays him that respect which is due to the memory of so excellent a person ; for not only one of the colleges there goes by his name , but they show all strangers the house where he died , with as much veneration , as the people of rotterdam do the house where he was born. having thus briefly run over the most material passages of his life , i come now to consider him in his character and writings . he was the most facetious man of his age , and the most iudicious critick , which are two talents that as seldom meet together in the same person , as pedantry and good manners . he carried on a reformation in learning , at the same time as he advanced that of religion , and promoted a purity and simplicity of stile as well as of worship . this drew upon him the hatred of the ecclesiastics , who were no less bigotted to their barbarisms in language and philosophy , than they were to their injust innovations in the church . they murdered him over and over in their dull treatises , libell'd him in their wretched sermons , and what was the last and highest effort of their maliee , practis'd a piece of mezentius's cruelty upon him , and joyn'd some of their own dead execrable stuff to his compositions ; of which barbarous usage he himself complains in an epistle address'd to the divines of lovain . he exposed with great freedom the vices and corruptions of his own church , yet for all that cou'd never be induced to leave the communion in which he was bred , which may be imputed to his great candor and moderation , or else to the ill management , and furious proceedings of the first reformers in germany , which cannot be defended : thus by the common fate of all peace-makers , while he honestly and charitably intended to do all good offices to both parties , he was most undeservedly worried and persecuted by both . perhaps no man has obliged the publick with a greater number of useful volumes than our author , not like his country-men , the modern dutch writers , who visit frankfort fair once a year , with two or three stupid mum-begotten dissertations , that die of themselves , before they can be said to have ever lived . every thing that comes from him instructs and pleases , and may as easily be known by the masterly strokes , as his friend hans holben's pieces by the boldness of the paint , and the freshness of the colours . however he was supposed to be the author of several books he never writ , which has been the case of a hundred writers , both before and after him , as the captivitas babylonica , eubulus , lamentationes petri , a satyr of huttenus , call'd nemo , febris , sir t. more 's utopia , and several others . it has been commonly believed in england , that the epistolae obscurorum virorum were of his writing , but the learned monsieur bale assures us of the contrary , who says , that the reading of it put him into such a fit of laughter , that it broke an impostume , which was ready to be cut . i will not here pretend to give a catalogue of all his genuine pieces , which they shew at basil , but shall confine my self to his book of colloquies , which together with his moriae encomium has seen more editions than any other of his works . moreri tells us that a book-seller of paris , who it seems throughly understood the mystery of his trade , sold twenty four thousand of them at one impression , by a trick which has since been frequently practis'd by those of his profession ; for he got it whispered to his customers that the book was prohibited , and wou'd suddenly be call'd in , and this helpt to give it so prodigious a run . . the dialogue way of writing , in which erasmus has succeeded so happily , owes its birth to the drama . plato took it from the theatre , and if i may be allow'd the expression , consecrated it to the service of philosophy , but with all due respect to plato's memory be it said , tho' his management is extremely fine and artificial , yet his diction is too poetical , and his metaphors are too bold and rampant . the language of dialogue ought to sit loose and free , the translations ought to be easie and natural ; whereas plato's expression comes nearer to that of poetry , than comedy it self . tully who has treated several subjects in this way , cannot indeed be charged with any such tumour of stile , yet he wants that which is the life and spirit of dialogue , i mean a beautiful turn , and quickness of conversation . but the greatest genius of all antiquity , as to this manner of writing , is lucian , whose language is easie and negligent but pure ; his repartees are lively and agreeable , and to say the truth , every one that hopes to manage this province well , ought to propose to himself lucian for a copy to write after . if what some ecclesiastical writers have reported of him be true , that he apostatized from the christian religion , he made it some amends however by his admirable dialogues ; for 't is a plain case that the primitive fathers batter'd the pagan theology with artillery drawn out of his magazines , and entered the garrison through the breaches which he had made to their hands . he raillies with the air and gayety of a gentleman , and at the same time writes with all the iustice of a philosopher , whenever his argument requires it , and this happy mixture of serious and ridicule , makes him so eternally entertaining , that the reader still rises from him with a gust . far be it from me to defend him in every particular ; but this testimony is due to him even from an enemy , and if i have dwelt so long upon him , 't is to be considered that erasmus , who translated part of him into latin , made him his pattern , and indeed has copied his graces with such success , that 't is difficult to say which of the two is the original . . both of them had an equal aversion to sullen , austere , designing knaves , of what complexion , magnitude , or party soever : both of them were men of wit and satyr , and employ'd it as righteously as the old heroes did their arms , in beating down the crying grievances of their times , in deposing superstition the worst of tyrants , and disarming hypocrisie the basest of vices . but the hollander , according to the genius of his country , had more of the humourist in him than the syrian , and in all parts of learning was infinitely his superiour . it was lucian's fate to live in an age , when fiction and fable had usurp'd the name of religion , and morality was debauched by a set of sowr scoundrils , men of beard and grimace , but scandalously lewd and ignorant , who yet had the impudence to preach up virtue , and stile themselves philosophers ; perpetually clashing with one another about the precedence of their several founders , the merits of their different sects , and if 't is possible about trifles of less importance ; yet all agreeing in a different way to dupe and amuse the poor people , by the fantastick singularity of their habits , the unintelligible iargon of their schools , and their pretensions to a severe and mortified life . this motly herd of iuglers , lucian in a great measure helpt to chase out of the world , by exposing them in their proper colours ; but in a few ages after him a new generation sprung up in the world , well known by the name of monks and friars , differing from the former in religion , garb , and a few other circumstances , but in the main the same individual impostors ; the same everlasting cobwebspinners , as to their nonsensical controversies , the same abandon'd rakehells as to their morals , but as for the mysterious arts of heaping up wealth , and picking the peoples pockets , as much superiour to their predecessors the pagan philosophers , as an overgrown favourite that cheats a whole kingdom is to a common malefactor . these were the sanctified cheats , whose follies and vices erasmus has so effectually lashed , that some countries have intirely turn'd these drones out of their cells , and in other places where they are still kept up , they are contemptible to the highest degree , and obliged to be always upon their guard. . before i dismiss this parallel , it may not be amiss to observe that erasmus has so religiously imitated lucian , that perhaps he has carried it to excess , and copied his master even to a fault : i mean in the frequent use of old adagies , most of which , tho' poinant enough in lucian's time , have lost all manner of relish with us , and therefore i have wholly omitted them in my translation , or substituted others that are better understood in their room . this i know will be call'd false doctrin by a modern * grammarian , who pretends that a man may cite them in his works , without being guilty of the sin of pedantry , and justifies his assertion by the examples of cato , tully , plutarch , and lucian . 't is true indeed , those worthy gentlemen frequently use them , and were no pedunts for doing so , but with the doctor 's leave i will make bold to affirm , that what they might commendably use , who lived upon the spot where these proverbial expressions grew , and cou'd tell the history of them without the help of a german commentator , wou'd be rank lowsie ▪ pedantry for us to follow them in , who either know nothing of the true occasion , or if we do , live at too great a distance of time to be much affected with the wit of them . the ruff and farthingale of venerable memory , were no doubt on 't a very laudable dress , when they were the common fashion of the town , but should any lady at this time of day , out of her singular respect to queen elizabeth , wear them in the mall , or the side box , i am afraid she wou'd be soon laught out of this ridiculous affectation of antiquity . i own that true wit will be eternally so to the end of the world ; but the garniture and trimming of it , under which class we may reckon proverbial allusions , and the similies in our comedies , depend much on the humour of the times , and the genius of the country , and still vary with the age ; so that what passes for a iest in france or holland , we see is received but indifferently with us in england , who don't understand the true rise of it , nay what pleases us now , i dare engage will not find that welcome twenty years hence . but it has been the constant fault of the grammarians in all countries of the world , that in order to force a trade , they must affect to write so learnedly , that is so obscurely , that they want another grammarian to explain them to the generality of their readers , and the reason of it is plain , because they write not to instruct , but to make a pompous , tho impertinent show of their own learning . i have already observed that erasmus drew abundance of enemies upon himself by his writings , some of whom attacked him , because he touched them in their most sensible part , their interest ; others out of vanity , that it might be said they had enter'd the lists with a person of his reputation . and lastly , some out of down-right malice and envy . the monks , who had bellies one wou'd have thought large enough to have some bowels in them , cou'd never forgive him for exposing their luxury and avarice , their pretended visions and revelations , with the rest of their pious artifices . the lutherans had a quarrel to him , because he was not one of their party , and perhaps erasmus , who spared the follies of neither side , might disgust them , by making bold now and then with their great patriarch of wittemberg . i remember i have some where read , that when erasmus was told that luther , out of his great desire for an armful of consecrated flesh , had married , and got the famous catharine bora with child ; he shou'd in a jesting manner say , that if according to the popular tradition , antichrist was to be begotten between a monk and a nun , the world was in a fair way now to have a litter of antichrists . such innocent freedoms as these , which might fall from a man of wit without any malice , i doubt not but incensed those of the reformation , who like the rest of the world were apt to put the worst construction upon every thing that seem'd to reflect upon them : but none of his enemies fell upon him with that unpresidented rancour and spleen , as the prince of pedants scaliger the father . i know i shall incur the displeasure of the above-mentioned * grammarian , for giving this character to a man , of whom he has said so many magnificent things , but before i have concluded this paragraph , i hope to convince him that his heroe deserves it . the occasion of the quarrel , in short , was as follows . erasmus had been so ill-advised , as to expose the superstition of the ciceronians , a set of rhetorical sir formal trifles , who , ( as monsieur bale pleasantly expresses himself ) thought there was no salvation for poor latin out of the pale of cicero's works . upon this scaliger declared war against erasmus , rails at him in an oration composed for that purpose , with the same vehemence and fierceness , as if he had design'd nothing less than the extirpation of all good learning , and was actually marching at the head of a hundred thousand goths , to destroy all the libraries in christendom . he calls him sot and drunkard , and says , that when he was corrector to aldus's press , a thousand faults escaped him , merely upon the account of his drunkenness . in a letter not published , but for the scurrility of it suppressed by his son joseph , he calls him son of a whore. i appeal now to the reader , whether any thing can excuse such insufferable brutality , and ill-manners ; or whether if this be the effect of learning , a man has not good reason to say with nero , quam vellem me nescire literas . if the scaligeriana are the genuine sayings of the person , whose name they bear , this quarrel is accounted for otherwise ; for scaliger there tells us that his father had written an oration against erasmus , which the latter cou'd not believe was of his father's writing , quià miles erat , because he was of the military profession ; that his father resented this so heinously , that it drew a second oration from him , which erasmus got his friends to buy up , and burnt them all ; so that now 't is no where to be had . and indeed if erasmus had any foible , he shew'd it perhaps in his being too sensibly touched at the libells that were written against him , as it appears by the * complaints he makes of the printers of them . however it be , 't is our comfort that erasmus is not the only person , whose fortune it was to fall under scaliger's displeasure . the same man has call'd horace's latin in question , condemn'd his art of poetry , and censured aristotle's rules . the same man , ( for with him like zimri in absolon , every one is either a god or a devil , but generally speaking they are devils ) has said that all ovid's slippery stuff * is not to be compared with that single epithalamium of catullus upon thetis's marriage , and that all hesiods works ought not to be put in the same scale with one line in the georgics . the same man has rogantly damn'd lucan and silius in a breath , who was himself one of the most aukward unnatural versifiers of his age , and pretended to mend ovid's poetry , which he has done to as much purpose as parson milburn has mended mr. dryden's translation of virgil. the same man has used cardan worse than the most contemptible insect in nature , without any provocation , in the very same book , which he dedicated to him , tho' the lord knows there was no such mighty difference between them , as to their philosophy ; and has found errours in cicero's and gellius's criticks , who to show the goodness of his own , preferred the present musaeus to homer . lastly , the same man , ( to give an instance of his great sincerity , as we have given several of his singular humanity , ) pretends that he writ his galliambic hymn upon bacchus , in less than two hours , amidst a thousand other occupations that distracted him , which is as notorious a truth , as any in dr. bently's preface . yet this is the mighty man , whom in conjunction with salmasius , the aforesaid dr. wou'd palm upon us for the greatest men of their age , and what is very surprizing , for the ornaments of the reformation , who by their influence and example gave such a spirit of learning to it , as made it triumph over its enemies ; with a great deal of rhetorical fustian to the same purpose . what great services scaliger did to the reform'd religion , i wou'd desire to be informed ; and as for the other mercenary wretch , 't is true he play'd his small shot at the popes primacy , but at the same time , as far as in him lay , struck at the whole episcopal order , for which i hope dr. bently will not thank him , and afterwards was shamefully bribed to lick up his own spittle . but providence that delights to humble the proud , raised up two men afterwards to chaftise this wonderful pair of assumers : for milton , tho' inferiour to salmasius in the righteousness of his cause , yet with all these disadvantages so effectually foiled him that he broke his heart ; and schioppius , who was as errant a grammarian as any of the tribe , fell foul upon both the scaliger's , and visited the iniquities of the father upon the son , who in truth did not deserve it . this is all i have at present to say of erasmus , being obliged to reserve what i have farther to offer upon this subject , for the dissertation i intend to prefix to the new translation of lucian's works , done by several gentlemen , which will be handed to the press with all convenient speed . the impertinents , or the cross purposes . col . i. two odd ill-contrived fellows meet one another in the street , and to talking they fall ; one has his head full of a marriage , and the other's thoughts run upon a storm : in short , they discourse with great concern on both sides , and make nothing on 't , only they fulfil the english proverb between them , i talk of chalk , and you of cheese . these six colloquies done by mr. brown , the translator of the following colloquies , tho' he keeps his author still in sight , yet does not pretend to have made a literal translation of him , and where erasmus alludes to old adagies ( as frequently he does ) or where the iest runs upon a turn in the latin tongue , which wou'd be entirely lost in an english version , he has made bold to substitute something of his own in the room of it , in order to make it more agreeable to the palate of the english reader , for whose diversion it was design'd . annius . lucius . ann. why ? i hear you were drunk as lords all of you at neighbour what d' ye call him 's wedding yesterday . luc. the duce take me if ever i knew such confounded weather at sea , tho' i have used it from my cradle . ann. so i find you had a world of brave folks to see the ceremony . luc. fore george , ( you make me swear now ) i never ran such a risque of drowning in my life before . ann. ay , ay , see what 't is to be rich , at my wedding , tho' i sent again and again to all my neighbours , yet only some half a dozen wou'd come near me , and those but sorry wretches , the lord knows . luc. mind me , i say , we were no sooner got off of the land's end , but it blow'd as if it wou'd blow the devil's head off . ann. god so ! that was wonderful pretty , and were there then so many fine lords and ladies to throw the stocking ? luc. comes me immediately a sudden gust of wind , and whips off the sail , while you cou'd drink a can of flipp , and tears it into a thousand flitters , i warrant ye . ann. you need not describe the bride to me . why ? lord , i knew the pretty baggage when she was no taller than — luc. souse comes another wave and runs away with the rudder . ann. nay , all the world are of your opinion , she 's an angel incarnate , that 's certain ; and the bridegroom , let me tell you is a handsome young fellow of his inches . luc. well! and don 't you think we were in a blessed taking then ? ann. right i faith . not one woman in a thousand as you observe , brings such a fortune to her husband . luc. so we mann'd out the long-boat , and were forced to row for 't . ann. the devil she did ! why ? that was a portion for a princess . luc. to see now what damn'd luck attended us ! we popt out of one danger into the chaps of another . ann. nay , they may e'en thank themselves for 't . what the plague made them marry so tender a creature to such a boisterous young whoreson ? luc. a french privateer made all the sail she cou'd after us . ann. good again , let me dye else . young girls long to be trying experiments , and a willing mind you know is all in all . luc. so now we had two enemies at a time to deal with , a raging sea , and these french raskals . ann. good , heavens , so many rich presents made her ! had she been a poor body , i dare pawn my life for it , her friends wou'd not have given her the worth of a silver bodkin . luc. what! wou'd you have had us struck sail to them ? that had been a good jest i now . no , il gad they were mistaken in their men , i 'll tell you but so much . ann. nay , if what you say be true , the bridegroom had best speak no more on 't , but put his horns in his pocket . luc. every man of us took his cogue or two of nants , and prepared for the fight . ann. to see how we may be deceived now ! that such a demure sparrow-mouth'd devil shou'd take up a stone in her ear so soon ? luc. had you seen this engagement , take my word for 't , you 'd have said i laid about me like a heroe . ann. so then as far as i can judge of the matter , the young fellow has brought his hogs to a fair market . luc. without asking more questions , we fairly boarded the monsieur . ann. but is it not an odd business that they should invite you who are a perfect stranger to them , and forget me , one of the nearest relations the bride has in the world ? luc. right or wrong we flung our frenchmen into the sea. ann. troth neighbour you say right , a man in adversity is abandon'd by all the world. luc. after this we honestly divided the booty between us . ann. come , you need not provoke me to 't , i know how to be angry upon occasion , the next time i see the bride , odsooks i 'll rattle both her ears for 't . luc. on a sudden the sea grew so calm , you 'd have taken it for a bowling green. ann. for if she has mony , i have a stomachful spirit , let me tell you , and a fig for her kindness . luc. in fine we brought a brace of vessels into harbour instead of one . ann. and let her husband take it as he pleases , what a plague care i ? luc. oh! you ask where i am a going , why ? to st. nichola's church yonder , to thank the honest saint for keeping me out of the suds . ann. no , pray excuse me dear sir , i can't go with you to , the tavern now ; i expect a set of jovial fellows to drink a bowl of punch with me at home , but at any other time you may command me . adieu . the modish traveller . col . ii. the calamitous effects of war. the ambition of princes the cause of most disturbances in the world. church-men who ought to preach up peace , promote these disorders . the latter part of this colloquy is wholly the translator's , who took the hint from a late learned voyage to paris , by one of the royal society . george . martin . geo. well , and what sort of a voyage had you of it , old friend ? mar. good enough , but that the roads were so plaguily pester'd with highway men . geo. you must expect that after a war ; 't is impossible to help it , but dear companion of mine how stand affairs in france ? mar. in none of the most settled condition ; there are great preparations on foot for another war ; now what mischief the french may be able to do their neighbours i don't know , but this i am sure of , that they are plagued at home with all the calamities that a nation can well suffer . geo. from whence do these commotions and wars arise , i wonder . mar. from whence do you ask ? why , from the ambition of monarchs . geo. now , on the other hand , i shou'd have thought it had been the duty of supreme magistrates , by their prudence and authority to compose these calamitous disorders , wherein so many thousands of innocent people must suffer . mar. so one wou'd have thought , as you say ; but under the rose your princes extinguish these flames , just for all the world as oyl puts out fire . they flatter themselves that they are god's , and that the world was made purely for their sake . geo. that 's merry enough ; now , i was ever such a dull block head as to believe that a prince was made for the people , and not the people for a prince . mar. what vexes me most , is that the churchmen lend a helping hand to these disorders , and blow the trumpet to sanctifie the cutting of throats . geo. by my consent they should be set in the front of the army , there to receive the reward of their great pains-takings . mar. why , so say i , and so says all the world . but a pox on 't , your priests will never come within harms way ; they love their carcasses too well for that ; tho' they may advise us lay-fools venture the knocking of our brains out , yet for their own parts they 'll not hazard a little finger , even in a quarrel of their own making . geo. well! but you are come home a compleat monsieur , i hope : your outside seems to promise it ; for upon my word friend martin you are a most surious beau. mar. oh , i speak la langue francoise to a miracle . i faith i am so charm'd with it , that i have almost forgot my own . lord ! the english is so dull and phlegmatick , in comparison of that ; how much more emphatical is vierrerie than a glass-house , promenade than a walk rouillon , than a wheel-barrow ? well , of all fiacres in the world your london fiacre is certainly the most miserable voiture upon earth . geo. but how came you a god's name to learn the language so soon ? mar. oh of those everlasting bahillardes the french women , who i must tell you en passant are grown much more corpulent and fat than before the war , which upon mature thoughts i ascribe to their immoderate drinking of ratafia . geo. what sort of liquor is that prithee , for i never heard of it before ? mar. 't is a cherry-brandy made of brandy and apricock-stones . geo. now for paris dear rogue , how goe squares there ? i know so great a virtuoso as you are , must make a thousand curious observations . mar. most of the citizens houses have port-cochez to drive in a coach , and romises to set them up . geo. oh admirable ! but pray proceed . mar. their buildings are some of hewn stone entire , and some of brick with free-stone , and in many houses they have ten menages , i warrant ye . their cellar windows are grated with strong bars of iron , but i was extremely scandalized at the vinegretté . geo. you talk arabick i think , but pray explain your self . mar. 't is a wretched business and a very iest in so magnificent a city , drawn along by two boys , and pushed behind by a maid . but then to make amends , the coachmen in paris drive with an air of hast . geo. prettily exprest i faith . let me die if i could not stay a whole day to hear thee . mar. tho' i want a relish for painting and building , i much admired i cou'd never meet with a statue in paris , but what was cloathed with a togapura , and no representation of a bullated one . geo. 't was a thousand pitties i profess . mar. i saw several tableaux at a gentleman's house , and among the rest one painted in dishabille , with a foppish night-gown , and an old quoifure . i likewise saw a roman glass , whose very bottom , do ye mind me , was very smooth , and very little umbilicate ; but what pleased me most , was a young kitling in an air-pump , which surviv'd pumps . geo. what a blessing it is to be a philosopher ? but is this all you took notice of ? mar. no , no , i should tire you but to recite one half of what i observed . when a thing is lost , they don't put it in the publick prints , as we doe ; but fix a printed paper on the wall. their streets are lighted even in the moon-shine nights . they have clap bills too , and set up by authority . there are a world of boats upon the river , but when a thaw comes they are in danger of being split . they sell books by auction , but have no bureaus of ivory . the pox is the great business of the town . the poor people carry little tin-kettles in the streets with small-coal lighted . their roots differ much from ours ; they have no round turnips , but long ones . lettice is the great and universal sallet , but it vexed me to the heart that i cou'd not stay long enough to see whether there is more dust in paris than in london . in short their fiacres are easier than ours ; their promenades delicious , their postchoises very convenient , their pavillons are surprizing , the decorations of their treillages admirable , their couches finely laid out , and their champignons and moriglios beyond compare . geo. your servant , sir , i swear i could almost hang my self that i was never bred at gresham . well , i believe not one man in a thousand has so nice a palate . mar. fie , you make me blush now , my observations incline rather to nature than dominion . and your friend martin here , whatever you think of him , finds himself better disposed , and more apt to learn the phisiognomy of a hundred weeds , than of five or six princes . so much for this affair , but pray tell me what remarkable passages have happen'd here in my absence . geo. nothing of note , sir , but only this , tua catulla peperit tibi catulum absenti , tua gallina peperit tibi ovum . in plain english , friend martin , your maid was fairly brought to bed here in westminster , while you were fairly brought to bed of your fine voyage to paris . mar. voila que c'est étre malheureux . oh this confounded cockatrice ! well , i will just step to the custom-house to secure my invaluable cargo of humble bees , tadpoles , millers-thumbs , sticklebacks , land-snails , day-butterflies , grashoppers , cockleshells , &c. and then i will trounce the gipsy for daring to fornicate in my absence . geo. have a care what you doe , friend martin , increase and multiply was the first commandment . you were once of opinion to my knowledge , that propagation was intirely necessary that mankind might be like the stars in the firmament , or the shells and sand upon the sea shore , and why you that are a virtuoso , should quarrel with your maid for learning a little natural philosophy , i can't see . but i find you are in hast , and so farewel . the plain dealer , or , all is not gold that glisters . col . iii. that the generality of mankind regard only names and outsides , but never consider the intrinsic nature of things . rich. prettyman . ri. good morrow prettyman . pr. the same to you friend rich. you 'll laugh at me i know for what i am going to say ; but since we are met , i cannot help wishing that both of us were what our names seem to imply , i mean that you were a wealthy and i a handsome fellow . ri. why , is it not enough that our names tell the world we are so ? pr. enough ? for my part i wou'd not give a farthing for a name if i want the thing . ri. the generality of the world let me tell you are of another opinion . pr. i don't know what you mean by the world , but i can hardly believe any thing that wears the shape of a man thinks so . ri. you may imagine perhaps that camels and asses walk the streets in a humane figure , but i once more tell you , that men , and men of wit and parts are of this mind . pr. by your leave i wou'd sooner believe the former , i mean that camels and asses are men in masquerade , than that any thing that calls himself a rational creature shou'd be such an abandon'd sot as to prefer a name to the reality . ri. in some sorts of cases i own to you that people wou'd rather have the thing than the name , but the quite contrary happens in others . pr. i don't apprehend what you drive at . ri. why , we carry an instance of it about our selves . for example , your name is prettyman and not to flatter you , you deserve it ; but if you were to part either with one or the other , whether wou'd you rather choose to have an ugly phyz , or instead of prettyman to be called iowler ? pr. your servant sir , i wou'd rather be called scare-devil , or raw-head , or in fine what you please , than to be the knight of the ill-favoured countenance . whether i have a good one or no , is not the question in debate . ri. and likewise for my self here , if i were a man of substance in the world , i wou'd rather alter my name rich into that of poor , than part with one iarthing of my mony . pr. i must needs own that what you say is true , and 't will be the same case as i take it with those that enjoy their health , or any other convenience belonging to the body . ri. in all probability 't will be so . pr. but then how many thousands do we see in the world , who had rather have the name of learned and pious men , than take pains to be really so ? ri. i know but too many of this humour . pr. well then , and are you not convinced that mankind has a greater regard to the name than to the thing ? ri. troth i can't deny it . pr. now if any profound logician wou'd give us an accurate definition of a king , a bishop , a magistrate , and a philosopher , perhaps we should even here find some , that would rather choose the name than the thing . ri. ' twou'd be so i fear me , if he and only he is a king who governs according to law and equity , and considers the public advantage more than his own : if a bishop is one who makes it his sole business to look after his flock , and not raise a family : if a magistrate is one that heartily and sincerely pursues the interest of the common wealth : and lastly , if a philosopher is one that despises the gifts of fortune , and only drives at the tranquillity and instruction of his soul. pr. now you are convinced , i hope that a man might assign but too many instances of this nature , if he were so minded . ri. i freely own it . pr. well , but you won't deny these to be men , will you ? ri. if i should , i might call thy own title to the name is question . pr. but if man is a thinking reasoning creature , is it not monstrously sottish that in the case of bodily advantages ( for i cannot call them goods ) and in the gifts of fortune which are but temporary , a man shou'd rather desire to have the thing than the name ; and that in the true endowments of the mind , he shou'd on the other hand pay a greater regard to the name than the thing ? pr. in truth , if a man rightly considers it , nothing can be more ridiculous . ri. why 't is the very same case in things of a different nature . pr. as how i pray ? ri. what has been said of the names of things that are to be desired , the same judgment is to be made of the terms of those things we ought to avoid . pr. 't is so no doubt on 't . ri. as for example , a man ought rather to dread the being a tyrant , than to have the name : and if a bad bishop as the gospel informs us is a thief , and a robber , we ought not so much to hate the name as the thing it self . pr. i am wholly of your opinion . ri. now make the same judgment of the rest . pr. oh i understand you well enough . ri. is not the name of a fool held in derestation by all the world. pr. ay , certainly nothing more . ri. and wou'd you scruple to call that man a fool , whom you should see making ducks and drakes with his meny , or preferring bits of glass to the richest diamonds , or more fond of his dogs and horses than of his wife and children ? pr. no i'faith , i shou'd soon dubb him a iack adams . ri. and do you think those fellows are a jott better that run through thick and thin , that are perpetually harrass'd and fatigu'd , that lie whole nights up to the chin in water , that venture the pinking of their carcasses , and the damming of their souls , for that most valuable consideration a groat a day , which is not honestly paid them neither ; or those right worshipful wretches that sit up night and day to heap a little paltry pelf , but grudge the least minute to inrich and improve the faculties of the mind ; or lastly those fine gentlemen that never think their houses and cloaths fine enough , while their better part lies neglected and naked ; that take all imaginable care to keep their bodies in health , while their soul labours under a thousand dangerous distempers , and they never value it : in short , those that purchase everlasting torments for the enjoyment of a few foolish transitory pleasures , that even sting us in the enjoyment ? pr. a man 's own reason will make him acknowledge this in spite of his teeth . ri. however , tho all places are so crouded and cramm'd with fools , yet i believe there 's not one among so many millions that wou'd patiently sit down with the name , tho' he really deserves it . pr. faith you are much in the right . ri. to come to another point . you are sensible how odious and abominable the names of lyar and thief are in all nations of the world. pr. i own it , and reason good they should be so . ri. no question on 't , but tho' to lie with another man's wife , and to violate his bed , is really baser , and more disingenuous than theft it self , yet you have shoals of men in the world , that value themselves upon the name of a cnekold-maker , and think it an honourable title , who wou'd most infallibly cut your throat , should you call them thief . pr. 't is so with most men , i own it . ri. thus you have others who whore and get drunk in the face of the sun , and yet abominate the name of spend-thrifts , or sots . pr. the reason is , because they think the thing creditable , cho ' they cannot endure the name that belongs to the thing . ri. ' there is scarce any word in the world that more shocks ours ears and nature , than that of a lyar. pr. poogh ! i have known hundreds in my time that have fairly tilted , and ript up one another's guts upon such a provocation . ri. 't were to be wished that they had an equal aversion to the thing . but did it never so fall out with you in the course of your business , that a man promised to pay you a certain summ of mony at a time appointed , and yet broke his word with you ? pr. but too often , tho' he wished himself a thousand times at the devil , if he kept not his promise . ri. but perhaps these were poor dogs , and not able to pay you ? pr. no , hang them they were able enough , but they thought it more convenient to keep their mony to themselves . ri. why prithee now is not this down-right bare-faced impudent lying ? pr. as certain as the sun at mid-day . ri. but suppose a tradesman should greet his creditor in this blunt manner ; my lord , or sir john , why do you tell me these lies ? pr. the noble peer wou'd indite him for a scandalum magnatum , and the knight 't is ten to one wou'd whip him through the lungs . ri. well ? now , and are not your lawyers , your solliciters , your physicians , &c. guilty of this crime , when they promise to do their business by such a time , and yet disappoint you , tho' your all lies at stake ? pr. who questions it ? you might add your courtiers too , who promise to be friend a man , but forget him so soon as he has owned his back . ri. pshaw , i might take in three parts of the globe , were i minded to number the beasts . but not one of them i suppose would be content to be called lyar. pr. tho they deserv'd the imputation never so much . i close with you . ri. in like manner no body but startles at the name of thief , when not one in a hundred has an aversion for the thing . pr. explain your self a little more upon this point . ri. what difference is there between a fellow that breaks open your house , that rifles your chests , and one that will for swear a pledge ? pr. none at all , but that the latter is the greater villain of the two , because he injures the man that trusted him . ri. but how few are they that will honestly restore a thing committed to their charge ? or if they doe , keep one half to themselves before they 'll deliver it . pr. nay , i cou'd name you several lord mayors , and alderman , and the devil and all of quality that have done the same ; but tace you know is latin for a candle . ri. yet none of these worthy gentlemen wou'd endure to be call'd mr. thief , tho' many an honester of the profession has swing'd for 't at tyburn . pr. why 'faith i 'm of your opinion . ri. now , doe but consider after what a fine rate your guardians generally manage the estates of minors , what horrid tricking there is about wills and legacies , and how much of the orphan's mony sticks to the fingers of those that tell it ? pr. right , tho' sometimes nothing but the whole will content these harpies . ri. thus 't is plain that they love the theft , but abominate the name . pr. 't is even so as you say . ri. as for the tellers of the exchequer , the receivers of taxes , the overseers of the mint , and those honest patriots that sometimes raise , and then again lower the price of guineas , to the incredible loss of particular men , not being acquainted with the mysteries of their art , or not daring to expose them , i have nothing to say to them . but a man may be allow'd to talk of what he daily feels and sees . to proceed then : what think you of one that borrows of every body , and runs in their debt with an intention never to pay them , unless the law forces him to it ; what difference is there between such a spark and a thief ? pr. the world perhaps will say he has more caution , tho' not a jot more honesty than the other . ri. yet tho' the whole kingdom is over-run with these vermin , not one of the tribe will bear the name you wot of . pr. heaven only knows their intentions , for which reason the courtesie of the world calls them bankrupts , and not thieves . ri. what signifies it a farthing how the world miscalls them , so long as they are registred for thieves in the annals of heaven ? every man 't is true best knows his own intentions , but when i see a fellow up to the ears in debt , yet whoring or sotting away his mony when he receives it ; when after he has broke in one town , i find him leave his creditors in the lurch , and scampering to another , and only looking out for a new set of fools to trust him ; when i say i find him playing these tricks , not only once or twice but half a score times , i cannot for my blood forbear to tell him his own . does not he sufficiently declare the intentions of his heart , with a murrain to him ? pr. ay , enough in all conscience . and yet these treble-pil'd rogues shall pretend to varnish over their actions very finely . ri. as how i pray ? pr. they 'll tell you , that to owe much , and especially to a world of people , is to live like a king or a nobleman ; and , generally speaking , these raskals affect the name of quality to set them off . ri. what can the meaning of that be ? pr. you can't imagine what priviledges belong to a man of quality . he can do that with a good grace , which wou'd look ill in any one else . ri. well , but what right , what law have they to countenance this ? pr. what law say you ? the same by which your gentlemen that have estates by the sea-shore pretend a right to wrecks , tho' the owner of the goods is alive : the same by which your lords of mannors claim a title to whatever is found about a robber or highway-man , to the apparent injury of the true proprietors . ri. a convention of thieves might make as honest laws as these . pr. true , and so they wou'd if they had but the power in their hands ; and they 'd have excuse enough for what they do , if they cou'd but declare war , before they went a thieving . ri. but how comes your man of quality a gods name to have more right to do this than your common ordinary scoundrel ? pr. they are in prescription of the thing , and that 's sufficient . ri. and how come they by their titles ? pr. some have them by inheritance , others purchase them by their money , and some again by their laudable qualities . ri. what may those be ? pr. i 'll sum them up in short to you . if a man never did one virtuous thing in his life ; if he goes richly apparell'd , if he wears a ring upon his finger , if he whores incessantly , and games everlastingly ; if he can play at ombre and piquet , and trowl down a gallon or two of wine before he reels to bed ; if he sleeps all day and drinks all night ; if he speaks of no ordinary things , but castles , and garrisons , half-moons , and ravelins , stockado's and demiculverins ; such a man is as complete quality as any in guillim or dugdale . ri. and are these the blessed ingredients out of which quality is compounded ? for my part i 'll put it into my litany to be delivered from it . pr. you are in the right , and yet i cou'd name a certain island in the world to you , where you may see hundreds and hundreds of such accomplished gentlemen ; but enough of them for this time . farewell . the fatal marriage , or the unhappy bride . col . iv. a pretty young lady forc'd to marry a diseased rake-hell of quality . the cruelty of parents to sacrifice their children to the vanity of a title . peter . gabriel . pe. whence comes our friend gabriel i wonder , with so grave , so mortified a phyz ? from burgess's meeting , or a reprobation-lecture at pinners hall ? ga. no , you are mistaken , from a wedding . pe. the duce you did ! i never saw a look in my life that had less of the air of a wedding in it . those that have been at so jolly a ceremony ought to look the chearfuller for it at least a twelve-month after . why man such a sight , that puts so many merry ideas into a body's head , is enough to make one as old as parr frisk and caper , and grow young again . then prethee what sort of a wedding is it thou talk'st of ? not that of death and the cobler i hope , or of bully bloody bones and mother damnable . ga. jesting apart , i come from the wedding of a young gentleman to one of the most charming delicious creatures in the world ; a curse on my memory , she sets me on fire as oft as i think of her ; in the very bloom of her age ; just turn'd of sixteen , and for her beauty , fortune , and good conditions not to be parallell'd in the whole country : in short , she was fit to have made a spouse for iupiter himself . pe. what! for such an old antiquated fumbler as he . ga. why prethee your great folks never grow old. pe. well then , whence comes this sadness , this cloud upon your forehead ? now i think on 't , i fancy you envy the bridegroom for robbing you of so delicious , so eharming a morsel . ga. no such matter , i 'll assure you . pe. perhaps you fell to loggerheads over your wine , as the lapithae did of old , and that makes you so melancholy . gr. you are wide of the matter , take my word for 't . pe. i 'll guess the contrary then ; perhaps the spark was a niggard of his liquor , and to be sober at a wedding , you know , is a sin ne'er to be forgiven . ga. so far from that , that the buts bled as heartily , as if it had been a coronation . pe. well , now i have hit it , you wanted musick to chear your hearts . ga. oh! wider from the point than ever ; we had fiddles , and flutes , and harps , and kettle-drums ; in fine , all the instruments you can think of from a bag-pipe up to an organ ; nay , that most celestial consort of a pair of tongues and a key was not wanting . pe. well , you had your belly-full of dancing then i hope . ga. not so much dancing as you imagine , but limping enough in all conscience . pe. what persons of quality had you to grace the nuptials ? ga. not one , but a certain active lady , whose business and good qualities you may find upon all the pissing-posts in town , and who keeps her head quarters in covent-garden . pe. a covent-garden lady say you ; pray what may her name be ? ga. in troth none of the best : the world calls her my lady pox , but as the draper said by his cloth , what she wants in length she makes out in breadth , for they say she 's related to most of the noble families in christendom . pe. but why ( dear friend of mine ) shou'd the bare mention of this set thee a weeping ? ga. ah peter , peter , the tragical story i am going to tell thee of , is enough to make a brickbat weep and cry and run like a church spout . pe. yes , so i suppose if a brickbat had but a tongue , and a pair of eyes and ears . but prethee keep me upon the rack no longer ; out with thy ill news let it be what it will : you see i have guessed and guessed and always fell wide of the mark. ga. you know squire freeman of the grange , don't you ? pe. know him ? i have drank a thousand bottles with him in my time ; the worthiest , frankest , honestest gentleman that ever breathed . ga. well , and don 't you know his daughter katy too ? pe. now you have named her , you have named the top-beauty of the age. ga. 't is as you say , and do you know whom she is married to ? pe. ten to one , but after you have told me , i shall . ga. i 'll tell you then : she 's married to that mirrour of knighthood sir bully bounce . pe. what! that swaggering , blustering , huffing spark , that compound of cowardice and vanity , that everlasting coxcomb , who kills whole armies in a breath , and murders more than drawcansir in the play. ga. the very same individual monster upon my word . pe. why you know he 's famous all the world over for two extraordinary gifts ; imprimis , for his most incomparable talent of lying , at which he 'll out-do twenty four plot-evidences supported with the same number of travelling priests ; and , dly , for a certain noble french qualification he carries about him , i mean the french disease , which tho' it came from the indies but t'other day , and is the younger brother of the weekly bills , yet in the short time it has set up for it self , has done more execution , and run a greater compass of ground than all the other diseases put together , tho' they started so many hundred years before it . ga. 't is a haughty proud distemper that 's certain , and will turn its back neither to gout , nor stone , nor plague , nor fever , nor yet to its son-in-law consumption , whose name it frequently assumes : give it but a clear stage and it demands no favour . pe. so the sons of galen talk indeed . ga. why shou'd i spend more time in describing this pretty young creature , since i find you know her ? tho' i must tell you , friend , that the richness of her dress added no little lustre to her natural beauty . i tell thee what peter , hadst thou seen her in the room , thou 'dst have sworn she was a goddess ; her habit , her mien , her shape , and , in short , all her motions were agreably bewitching . soon after , that blessed weight the bridegroom popt upon us god wot , with his nose dismantled , and drawing one leg after another , but with as ill a grace as an old founder'd country dancing master . he wore a welch gantlet upon both hands , i mean the itch , with which his fingers were crusted over as with a natural armour : his eyes were dull and heavy , his breath strong enough to murder at twelvescore ; his head bound up in an infinity of caps , and his nose ( beg your pardon , sir , ) run as plentifully as a horse's that has got the glanders . in fine , this living mummy was wrapt up in flannel from top to toe , for fear of falling asunder ; otherwise i dare engage that a puff of wind not strong enough to rufflea custard , wou'd have shaken his tabernacle to pieces . pe. mercy on us ! and what in the name of lucifer was the reason that her parents married her to this walking hospital ? ga. i don't know , but that three parts in four of the globe seem now a days to be stark mad and out of their wits . pe. perhaps the fellow 's plaguy rich , and riches you know , like charity , cover a multitude of faults . ga. rich ! 't is then in shopkeepers books , for he 's deeper in them than a dozen lords ▪ i cou'd name to you , at the other end of the town . in short , he ows more than his head 's worth . pe. if this young damosel now had poison'd her pious grandfather , and broke the heart of her venerable grandmother , what greater punishment cou'd they have inflicted on her ? ga. nay had she pist upon the tomb of her ancesters , she had more than aton'd for the crime , had she been only forc'd to give him one single kiss . pe. faith , i 'm of your opinion . ga. in my mind now they have been infinitely more cruel to her , than if they had exposed her stark naked to bears , or lyons , or crocodiles : those generous beasts wou'd either have spar'd a creature of such incomparable beauty , or else soon made a breakfast of her and put her out of her misery . pe. right . this brutal , this barbarous vsage seems only fit for such a monster as mezentius to have put in execution , who , as virgil tell us , ioyn'd the unhappy living to the dead , and set them breast to breast , and head to head. tho' by the by , i very much question whether mezentius , as inhuman as they represent him , wou'd have been such a downright devil , as to tack so lovely a young virgin to a nasty carcass ; and what carcass is there that one wou'd not much rather desire to be joyn'd to , than this confounded knight , with a pox to him ; since the very air he breaths is rank poison , since his very words are pestilential , and to be touch'd by him is worse than death it self . ga. now , prithee honest peter , do but think with your self what a mighty pleasure there must needs be in their kissing and panting , and murmuring and sighing , and all the other mysteries of the nuptial bed. pe. i have heard the parsons frequently talk of uncanonical , marriages . now this i think is an uncanonical marriage with a witness . 't is as unsuitable , as if one should set the finest diamond in the world in lead ; you may talk of your heroes and your killers of giants , but for my part i think this young lady gives a greater proof of her boldness to venture her self between a pair of sheets with so hideous a bed fellow . young maidens of her age use to be scared out of their wits at the sight , nay at the bare mention of a ghost or hobgoblin ; and can she endure to be murder'd all night in the embraces of so dreadful a spectre ? ga. the poor creature has something to excuse her , as the authority of her father , the importunity of her relations , and the simplicity of her age ; but her parents i 'm sure have not a syllable to say for themselves . what chimny-sweeper , or broom man in kent-street , wou'd marry his daughter , tho' she were never so homely , to a fellow that had a plague-sore running upon him ? pe. not one in my conscience that had but a grain of common sense . for my part , had i a daughter both lame and blind , and ugly enough to be roasted for a witch in scotland , and to compleat her charms , with not one farthing of a portion to help her off , i wou'd sooner swopp her to a tobacco plantation , than make her say for better for worse with such a choice son in law. ga. the leprosie is a very bad companion , but this cursed distemper is a thousand times more loathsom and destructive even than that . it steals upon a man without giving him fair warning , it goes off , and rallies again with a vengeance , and frequently sends many a young fellow to the devil , before he knows where he is ; whereas the leprosie is so complaisant and civil , as to let a man jog on to a good comfortable old age. pe. perhaps then the girl 's father and mother knew nothing that the bridegroom lay under this pinching dispensation , as the quaker call'd it . ga. no , no , they knew it as well as his nurse or chirurgeon . pe. if they were resolved to use her so ill , why a god's name did they not tye her neck and heels in a sack and so fling her into the thames ? ga. it had been a much more merciful way of dispatching her than this . pe. what was it then that recommended him to their choice ? is he famous for any good qualities ? ga. yes , several i can tell you ; he games incomparably , drinks like a camp-chaplain , and whores like a lay elder ; then for bantering and lying , nothing in the universe comes near him . he has a long score i dare engage in every tavern from whitechappel to whitehall . he palms a dy to admiration , and wou'd cheat his own brother . in short , he is the most finished rakehel now living ; and whereas the vniversities pretend but to seven liberal sciences , sir bully bounce has at least a dozen , of which he is a compleat master , and may serve to be regius professor of any of them . pe. well , but after all , this sir bully what d' ye call him , must have something or other certainly to recommend him to her parents , ga. why , you have already named it man , did you not call him sir bully ? 't was nothing but the glorious title of knight that bewitched them . pe. a precious knight indeed , you may call him the knight of the burning pestle . but i suppose he has a vast estate , and that makes amends for all . ga. some , half a score years ago he had an indifferent estate , but living very fast , as they say , has brought his noble to nine-pence ; for he has whored and drunk away all his acres , and has nothing left but a little mannor-house , moated round for fear of an invasion , from whence he uses to make a descent now and then into the neighbouring country , to the great terror and desolation of the farmers yards thereabouts ; but so wretchedly furnished , that a pig sty wou'd be thought a palace to it . and yet this egregious coxcomb talks of nothing but of bounce-castle near the river bounce in bounce hundred , and of his mannor-houses , and summer-seats , of heriots , and deodands , of court leets , and the assizes , of tenants and vassals ; with a heap of such magnificent well-sounding words ; and then he never comes into any company but he perpetually prates of his coat of arms. pe. prithee what coat of arms does the brute give ? six turpentine pills gilt , i warrant ye , and his supporters are two quack doctors with those terrible engines , two syringes mounted . ga. that 's merry enough . no , he gives three hogs , or in a field gules . pe. a very proper emblem , i faith for such a beast ; but by the field one wou'd take him to be a very bloody person . ga. rather if you judge him by the wine he drinks ; for he makes no more of a gallon of claret , than a school-boy wou'd do of sucking an egg. pe. then the three golden hogs show that he squanders all the mony , he can lay his fingers on , in swilling and sotting . ga. you are much in the right on 't . pe. but to dismiss this point of heraldry , pray what iointure will this mighty blusterer settle upon his spouse ? ga. ne'er trouble your head about that , he 'll give her a most magnificent one , you need not question . pe. how can that be , since you tell me he has spent all , and burnt out his candle to the last inch ? ga. don't interrupt me then : he 'll jointure her in a most-pray mind me sir — in a most substantial , full-grown , thorough-paced — pox , so firmly settled , that neither she nor the heirs of her body , shall be able to cut off th' entail , tho' they got an act of parliament for 't . pe. let me dye if i wou'd not sooner marry my daughter to a small-coal man , or a hog-driver , than to such a rotten piece of quality . ga. and for my part i wou'd much rather bestow mine upon a red-headed welch curate with four marks a year , and the perquisites of a bear and a fiddle . how i pitty the unfortunate creature ? there had been some comfort still , had she married a man ; but alas she is thrown away upon the leavings , the dross , the refuse , the what shall i call it — the skeleton of a man ? now , peter , put your hand to your heart and tell me fairly , had you seen this lamentable sight , cou'd you have forbore weeping ? pe. why do ye ask me such a question , when you see the very recital of this story has drawn tears from me ? good heavens ! that parents shou'd be so barbarous and unnatural , so void of common humanity and affection , as to sacrifice an only daughter , and one so beautiful and amiable , so innocent and sweet-condition'd to the loathsom embraces of a filthy monster ; and all for the sake of a lying coat of arms , and o make the poor thing a lady . ga. your com laint is not without reason ; for certainly 't is the greatest barbarity that can be committed ; and yet your people of condition ( as they call themselves ) make but a jest of it ; tho' one wou'd think that it highly concern'd those gentlemen that are born to the highest posts of the government , and are one day to make senators , and ministers of state , to take some care of their health ; for let them say , what they will to the contrary , the body has a great influence upon the operations of the soul. now this exerable disease undermines the whole fabric , and at long run does not leave a man so much brain as wou'd fill a nut-shell . and thus it comes about that we frequently see some noble persons sitting at the helm , whose intellectuals , as well as their carcasses are in a woful pickle . pe. in my opinion , your great men , whether princes , or those of a subordinate rank , ought not only to have their vnderstandings clear and strong , and a healthful constitution of body , but if it were possible shou'd excel other men in the beauty and gracefulness of their persons , as much as they do in quality ; for tho' iustice and wisdom are the principal ingredients in the composition of a prince , and chiefly recommend him to the love of his people ; yet there 's something too to be said for his shape and outside . if he proves a morose and rigid governor , the deformity of his body helps to make him still more odious to his subjects ; and if he is merciful and affable , his vertues derive some agreeableness from the beauty of the place where they inhabit . ga. i make no question o' nt . pe. don't we use to lament the misfortune of those poor women , whose husbands soon after they are married to them , fall into consumptions , or are troubled with apoplectic fits ? ga. yes , and not without good reason . pe. then tell me , what a madness or stupidity is it for a man to bestow his daughter , voluntarily , and of his own free will , to a fellow that is ten times worse than the most consumptive wretch alive ? ga. no doubt on 't , 't is the highest degree of madness that can be . if a nobleman has a mind to have a fine pack of hounds , do ye think he 'd bring a mangy scoundril cur to a well-bred bitch ? pe. no. he wou'd sooner send from one end of his county to the other , that he might not be plagued with a litter of mungrils . ga. and if my lord should take a fancy to have a noble studd of horses , can you imagine he 'd suffer a heavy , diseased , rascally dray horse to cover his fine barbary mare ? pe. so far from that , that he 'd hang up half a score grooms rather than he 'd endure to have a diseased horse come within his stable , for fear of giving the infection to the rest . ga. and yet this discreet and noble peer does not care a farthing who marries his daughter and begets her children , tho' they are not only to succeed him in his estate , but may arrive at one time or other to have the chief management of state-affairs . pe. even that moving clod of earth a country farmer wont let every pitiful bull that comes next to hand gallant his cow , nor every sorry tit debauch his mare , nor every lean-gutted boar make love to his sow ; tho' the highest preferment an ox can arrive to in this world is to drudge at a plough , and a horse's fortune is to draw a coach or cart , and a hog's destiny concludes in furnishing belly-timber for the kitchin , chines and spare-ribs against christmass , and gammons to keep easter in countenance . ga. to see now how porversly mankind judges of things ! if a poor ordinary fellow should in his liquor happen to force a kiss from a nobleman's daughter , they 'd persecute him so furiously , that the poor offender must be forced , in his own defence , to fly his country . pe. no question but that wou'd be the end on 't . ga. and yet these wise and honourable persons freely , and of their own accord , without the least necessity or compulsion , make no scruple to condemn a daughter for term of life to the bed of a lewd profligate rakehell , so he be but a rakehell of quality ; in which respect they dont only trespass against the real interest of their own family , but likewise against that of the public . pe. if a fellow that halts a little , or ( to put the case as bad as can be ) stalks it along upon a wooden leg , like the crane of limping memory in the park , shou'd have the impudence to court a young girl , how would the women mock and jeer at him , tho' he is an able and sound man in the critical part ? at the same time , tho' a man has been flux'd never so often , it is no impediment to his marriage . ga. if a coachman or groom chance to run away with a gentleman's daughter , there is presently such a rout and hubbub all the country , over as if the french were landing ; lord ! crys one , what pitty 't is that so young a creature should be ruin'd ; and lord ! crys an other , what death is bad enough for the raskal that seduced her ? altho' this raskal , bating the meaness of his out-side , is as vigorous as the best lord of them all , with the help of his jellies ; and his wife is like to find him a comfortable performer ; whereas this poor young lady , we have been talking of , must do pennance all her life with a walking carcass . thus too , if an heiress happens to bestow herself upon a parson , how many iests and proverbs does the neighbourhood pelt her with ? when death puts an end to the parson's life , what becomes of the parson's wife ? however she enjoys herself well enough while her husband lives , which is some satisfaction . but the heroine of our tragedy cannot expect one easie moment with her knight in his life-time , and when dead , the infection he bequeaths to her , will haunt her worse than a ghost . pe. 't is even so . your pirates that surprize women by stealth , and soldiers that take them as plunder in war , never treat them half so cruelly as this poor girl has been treated by her parents , and yet the magistrate never calls them to an account for it . ga. how should a physician cure a mad man , if he himself has a spice of the same distemper ? pe. but 't is the greatest wonder in the world to me , that princes who are so nearly and visibly interessed in the wellfare of their people , shou'd make no wholesome laws for their health , which is the greatest blessing they can enjoy on this side heaven . the disease we have been discoursing of all this while , has travelled as it were with a pass through the better part of the globe , and yet these worthy vice-gerents of heaven sleep as heartily in their thrones , as if it were not worth their while to take notice of it . ga. hark ye friend peter , have a care what you say of princes : when you talk upon so nice a subject , keep your tongue in a sheath , or it may cut your throat . lend me your ear , to whisper a word or two to you — . pe. i am heartily sorry for 't , but i am afraid t' will be so as you say to the end of the chapter . ga. but to pursue our point . how many ills do you think are occasioned by nasty wines of the vintners dashing and brewing ? pe. why ? if you 'll take the doctor 's word for 't , one half of the diseases that carry off so many thousands every week . ga. and do the magistrates take no notice of this neither ? pe. poor men ! they are wholly taken up in gathering the king's customs and excise . there they are as watchful as dragons , but mind nothing else . ga. if a woman knows a man is infected , and for all that will marry him , she must take what he is pleased to give her for her pains , but can blame no body else . although if it were my fortune to sit at the helm , i should take care to banish them both from civil society . but if it was a woman's hard fate to marry a fellow that pretended to be well and healthful , but was over-run with this disease , were i judge of the prerogative court , i should make no scruple to dissolve the knot , tho' they had been solemnly married in all the churches in london . pe. by what pretence i wonder ? for when marriage is once legally contracted , no humane power you know can disannull it . ga. and do you call that a legal marriage which is built upon such horrid villany and treachery ? the civilians will tell you that a contract is not valid , when a slave palms himself upon a young girl for a freeman , and under that sham marries her . now the abovemention'd knight , to whom our poor lady is sacrific'd , is a slave , a most abandond slave to that imperious distemper the pox ; and his slavery is so much the more insupportable , in respect he must wear her livery all the days of his life , without any prospect of a redemption . pe. i protest you have stagger'd me . there is some colour in what you say , but proceed . ga. in the next place , marriage can only be celebrated between two persons that are living ; but in this case the woman marries one , who in the literal sense of love is perfectly dead . pe. ha! you have arguments at will i see ; however i suppose you wou'd give your leave that the diseased should marry the diseased , according to the righteous proverb of covent-garden , clap that clap can . ga. why , truly if i were judge of the court , or some such great person , perhaps for the publick benefit i might suffer them to marry , but so soon as the ceremony was over , i wou'd take care to put out one fire with another , and that a faggot shou'd finish what the other disease had begun . pe. ay , but this wou'd be to act like a tyrant , and not like a prince . ga. why wou'd you call that physician a tyrant that lopps off a finger or two , or it may be burns part of the body , to save the whole ? for my part i don't think it cruelty , but the highest act of pity that can be exerted , and it were to be wished that this course had been taken when this distemper first appeared in the world , for then the publick welfare of mankind had been consulted at the expence of a few sufferers . nay , the french history presents as with an instance of this nature . pe. but after all it wou'd be the gentler way to geld , or part them asunder : ga. and what wou'd you have done to the women , pray ? pe. you know italy affords a certain invention , call'd a padlock . ga. that is something indeed , for by this means we shou'd be sure to have no branches from so blessed a stock ; come , i will own your method to be the gentler of the two , provided you 'll in compliment own that mine is the safer . even those that are castrated have an itching desire upon them , neither is this infection propagated by one way only , but a thousand ; a bare kiss or touch may do it , nay , it may be got by discoursing or drinking with the party infected . besides , we find that an unaccountable spirit of doing mischief is peculiar to this disease ; for those that have it take a delight to propagate the contagion , tho' it does them no good . now , if you talk of parting them asunder , they may scamper to other places , and play the devil where they are not known ; but i hope you 'll grant me there can be no danger from the dead . pe. 't is certain yours is the safer way of proceeding , but still i much question whether it can be reconciled to that gentleness prescrib'd us by the gospel . ga. pray tell me then whether there 's more danger from common thieves , or such people we have been talking of . pe. i must needs confess , that mony is not to be put in the same ballance with health . ga. and yet we christians , forsooth truss up a score of house-breakers and fellons every sessions ; neither does the world as cenforious as it is , call this cruelty , but iustice and mercy to the nation in general . pe. well , but in that case the party that did the injury , is fairly hanged out of the way . ge. and are the others then such mighty benefactors to the publick ? let us for once suppose that some may get this distemper by no fault of their own , tho' under favour i believe that not one in ten thousand , but purchased it at the price of his own wickedness , yet the lawyers will tell you that 't is lawful to dispatch the innocent , if the common safety of the republick requires it . for this reason the grecians after the destruction of troy , put astyanax , hector's son to the sword , least he might live to begin the war afresh . nay , some casuists will not stick to tell you , that after you have cut a tyrant's throat , 't is no sin to kill his innocent children . to carry on this point yet farther , we fine people , that call our selves christians , are perpetually at war with one another , tho' we know before hand that the greatest share of the calamities , occasion'd by war , must light upon those poor . men that least deserve them . the same thing happens in your reprisals , or letters of mart , as they call them . the party that did the wrong is as safe as a knave in the admiralty , or excise office , but the poor merchant , who is so far from being criminal , that perhaps he never heard a syllable of the matter in his life , is fairly plunder'd and stript of all . now if we have recourse to such bitter remedies in things , that are not of the last consequence , i desire to be inform'd what course ought to be taken in an affair which so highly concerns us ? pe. nay , i must knock under the table . your arguments are too mighty for me to cope with . ga. take this with you too . so soon as the plague breaks out in italy , great care is taken to shut up the infected house , and the nurses that look after the sick , are forbidden to appear abroad . some sots call this barbarous usage ; whereas 't is the greatest humanity that can be shown ; for by this prudent care the pestilence sweeps off some half a dozen folks , and then you hear no more of it ; now , can any thing show more humanity , than to save the lives of many thousands at so cheap a rate . others will rail at the italians as a brutal inhospitable people , because when there 's but a bare report of a plague , they won't suffer a stranger to come within their cities in the evening , but force him to lye all night in the open fields . now , for my part i look upon it to be act of piety , to procure a publick advantage at so easie a price , as the incommoding of a few persons . some coxcombs in the world take themselves to be very stout and complaisant , because they dare make a visit to a man who is sick of the plague , tho' they have no manner of business with him ; so when they come home , they very fairly give the infection to their wives and children , and , in short , to the whole family . nothing can be more stupid than this fool-hardiness , more unreasonable than this complaisance ? to bring the dearest persons one has in the world in danger of their lives merely for the sake of a foolish compliment or so ; yet , after all , there 's less to be apprehended from the plague than from the neapolitan disease : the former seldom meddles with the old , and sometimes passes by its next neighbours ; at least , this may be said for it , that it either quickly dispatches a man out of his pain , or restores him to his health much sounder than he was before ; whereas the latter is nothing but a perpetual death , or , to speak more properly , a perpetual burying . they are cover'd from head to foot with plaisters and cataplasms , with salves and vnguents , and a thousand other medicaments too nauseous to be mention'd out of an hospital . pe. what you say is so true , that with reverence to our betters be it spoken , the same care at least ought to be taken to prevent so fatal an evil , as they take to prevent the spreading of the leprosy ; or if this should be thought too much , no man ought to let another shave him , but to be his own tonsor , and to trim himself by his own looking-glass . ga. but what will you say now if both tonsor and gentleman agree to shut their mouths ? pe. 't is to no purpose ; the infection may come out at their nostrils . ga. well , but there 's a remedy , to be had for that inconvenience . pe. i long to be informed . ga. they may borrow a device from your alchymists , and wear a mask which shall afford them light through two little glass windows for the eyes , and a breathing place for their mouth and nostrils through a horn which reaches from their jaw-bones down to their back . pe. why that contrivance wou'd do , as you say , if there was no danger in the touch of their fingers , linnen , comb , and scissars . ga. i find then the best way will be to let ones beard grow down to his knees . pe. that 's my opinion , and then let us have an act of parliament that the same man shall not be barber and chirurgion too . ga. but that will be the ready way to starve the barbers . pe. no matter ; let them drink less wine , and lessen their family charges , or else ( for , i have compassion for the poor dogs ) ask more for shaving . ga. so be it with all my heart . pe. then let a law be enacted , that every man be obliged to drink out of his own glass . ga. that law i dare swear will never go down in old england . pe. in the next place , let there be a penalty impos'd for two to lye in the same bed , except they are man and wife . ga. agreed . pe. then as for your inns , let no stranger sleep in the same sheets that any one has lain in before . g. what will you do then with wales and cumberland , and that most delicious country beyond the tweed , where they wash their linnen but twice a year ? pe. let them employ more laundresses . and then let the custome of saluting one another with a kiss be totally abolished , its antiquity and vniversality , and all other pretences notwithstanding . ga. how shall a man behave himself in private conversation ? pe. let him have a care of coming too near the person he talke to , and let him that listens shut his lips. ga. why ? you undoe all the coffee-houses and chocolate-houses at one clap ; besides , a cart-load of parchment wou'd not be sufficient to contain all these punctilio's . pe. but all this while you forget the poor creature that occasion'd this discourse . what advice wou'd you give her now ? ga. to think of her misfortune as little as she can , and make the best of a bad market ; to clap her hand before her mouth whenever her husband offers to kiss her ; and lastly , when she goes to bed to him , to put on a head-piece , and a compleat suit of armour . pe. and whither do you intend to steer your course when you leave me ? ga. strait to my closet . pe ▪ what mighty work is carrying on there , i beseech ye ? ga. they spoke to me to write an epithalamium , but i design to disappoint them , and write an epitaph upon this occasion . the golden ass , or , the wealthy miser . col . v. a pleasant description of a rich usurer's way of living , who from a sordid . condition arrived to a prodigious wealth . that such estates generally come to a prodigal son , who squanders away all that mony in whoring and drinking , which his penurious father scrap'd together by injustice and oppression . james . gilbert . ia. mercy on us ! what an alteration is here ? why where hast thou been , old friend of mine , all this while , that thou art return'd so meager and chap-fallen , as if thou hadst found out the mystery of living like grashoppers upon dew ? there are twenty skeletons yonder at chirurgeon's hall that look fifty per cent. better than thou dost . thy rump bone has grated its way through thy breeches , and , as the fellow in bartholomew fair said , looks like the ace of spades . i dare engage , that were a man to shake thee , thy bones wou'd rattle in that wither'd hide like three blew beans in a blew bladder . gil. those worthy gentlemen the poets tell us , that in the regions below the ghosts are glad to feed upon leeks and mallows , but i have been ten months in a confounded place , where even these dainties were not to be had . ia. in what part of the world i wonder ? perhaps thou hast been starv'd and bastinado'd into this fine shape at algiers , or got it by tugging and sweating in a gally . gil. no , you are mistaken . i have been all this while in his most christian majesty's most pagan territories , and if you 'll have me particular to the place , at bovrdeavx . ia. but how i wonder came it about , that you ran the risque of starving in a city so rich , and provided with every thing ? gi. 't is even so as i tell you . ia. prethee what might be the occasion of it ? was the ready all gone , and your pockets quite founder'd ? gi. no i'faith i can't pretend that i wanted either mony or friends . ia. for my part i am not able to unriddle this mystery ; but explain it if you please . ga. you must know that some business in the way of trade led me to this city , since the conclusion of the late peace ; and i both lodged and dyeted with a famous merchant monsieur le maigre . ia. that rich old fellow that has purchased so many lordships , and had the fleecing of so many young spendthrifts in his time ? gi. the same ; but the most penurious , sordid huncks that ever cheated the gallows . ia. 't is a prodigy to me , that men of bulk and substance , who are above the apprehensions of poverty should deny themselves the pleasures , but much more the conveniences of life . gi. i don't wonder at it , for 't is by this sordid way of living , that from little or nothing to begin the world with , they scrape so much wealth together . ia. but why then shou'd you chuse to pass so many months with him of all the men in the world , when you knew his character before hand ? gi. there was an account of a long standing to be made up between us , and besides i had a great fancy , how it came into my head i don't know , to see the management of his family . ja. pray communicate your observations to a friend then , for you have set my curiosity on tip-toe to know how it fared with you . gi. with all my heart , for 't is no little pleasure to run over the hardships one has sustained . ia. i am confident the relation will be very diverting to me . gi. to crown my miseries , providence so order'd it that the wind sat full north for three whole months ; only this i must tell you , tho i am not philosopher enough to assign the reason for 't , that it never held in that quarter above eight days together . ia. why then did you tell me it kept there three whole months ? gi. upon the eighth day , as if by agreement , if shifted its station , where it continued for some seven or eight hours , and then veer'd to the old point again . ia. so slender , and i was going to say so transparent a body as yours , wanted a good lusty fire to keep it from starving . gi. a plague on 't , there was no want of fire , if we had had but wood enough ; but our most worthy landlord , old scrape-all , to save all the expences possible in firing , ordered his servants to steal old roots and stumps of trees , which no one else thought worth the while to grub up but himself , and had them brought home privately in the night . of these precious stumps not a quarter dried enough , our fire was made , which to do it justice smoaked plentifully , but never flamed out ; so that tho it did not warm us , we cou'd not say there was no fire , and that was all our landlord aimed at . one of these fires wou'd last us a whole day , so obstinately did these perverse , knotty loggs hold it out . ia. why , this was a cursed place for a man to pass his winter in . gi. 't was so , and yet 't was a thousand times worse to stay a summer there . ia. how cou'd that be i wonder ? gi. because the house was so damnably plagued with fleas , and buggs , and gnats , that there was no resting for them in the day time , nor no sleeping in the night . ia. what a wretched wealth was here ? gi. few men i must own , were wealthier than our master in this sort of cattle . ia. surely you had no women in the family , or else they were heathenish , lazy sluts . gi. the females were mew'd up in an apartment by themselves , and seldom came among the men , so they did none of those services which properly belong to that sex in other families . ia. but how cou'd the master of the house endure all this filth and nastiness ? gi. pshaw ! he was used to it from his cradle , and minded nothing in the world but scraping of riches . he lov'd to be any where but at home , and traded in every thing you can think off ; for bourdeaux you know is a town of great commerce and business . the famous painter , whose name is now out of my head , thought the day lost wherein he did not employ his pencil , and our lanlord looked upon himself as undone , if one single day pass'd over his head without some profit or advantage ; and if such a disaster happen'd to him , he did not fail to make it out one way or other at home . ia. why , what was his method ? gi. he had a cistern of water in his court-yard , as most of the people of that city have , out of which he drew so many buckets of cold adam , and flung them into his hogsheads : this was a most certain profit to him . ia. i suppose the wine was somewhat of the strongest then , and wanted this humiliation . gi. far from that , it was as dead as a door-nail , for he never bought any wine but what was decay'd to his hand , to have it at an easier rate ; and that he might not lose a drop of this gut-griping stuff , he wou'd jumble and tumble ye the grounds of , at least , ten years standing , and set them a fermenting together , that it might pass for new wine upon the lee ; for , as i told you before , he wou'd not have lost the least pint-full of grounds to save his grandfather's soul. ia. if the doctor 's word may be taken , this sort of wine never fails to reward a man with the stone at long run . gi. they are certainly in the right on 't , and in the most healthful years two or three at least of the family had their heels tript up with this distemper . but what was this to monsieur le maigre ? he never troubled his head about the business , nor car'd a farthing how many burials went out of his house , not he i promise you . ia. 't is strange , but what was the reason ? gi. he made a penny even of the dead , and the grave paid a tribute to him . there was no gain so contemptible and base but what he wou'd catch at as greedily as a gudgeon at a fly. ia. under favour , this was downright theft though . gi. your merchants call it turning an honest penny , or christen it by the name of good husbandry . ia. well , but what sort of liquor did the old huncks drink all this while ? gi. the very same nectar almost that i told you of . ia. and did he find no harm , no inconvenience by it ? gi. you know the old proverb , no carrion will kill a crow . besides , he had a body as hard as a flint , and cou'd have made a hearty meal upon hay or chopt straw . had he been in nebuchadnezzar's case , it had been no punishment to have sent him to grass . the prodigal son in the gospel when he robb'd the poor swine and fed upon husks was a perfect epicure to him ; he had accustom'd himself to this delicious fare from his infancy . but to return to our subject . he looked upon this dashing and brewing of his wine to be a most certain profit to him . ia. how so i beseech you ? gi. you 'll soon find it out by the help of a very little arithmetick . if you reckon his wife , his sons , his daughter , his son-in-law , his men servants , and his maid servants , he had about thirty three mouths to provide for in the family : now the more he corrected his wine with water , the less of it was drunk , and the longer it was a drawing off . so then , if you compute a large bucket of water thrown in every day of the week , it will amount to no despicable summ , let me tell you , at the year's end . ia. oh! sordid raskal ! i never heard of such a monster before . gi. this was not all , he made the same advantage by his bread. ia. more mysterious still ; and how cou'd that be ? gi. he wou'd never buy you any wheat but what was musty , and such as the meanest porter in the city wou'd scorn to buy for his own eating . now in the first place here was a present gain , because he bought it so much cheaper , and then he had a never-failing trick to cure the mustiness . ia. i long to hear what it was . gi. there is a sort of chalk , if you have observ'd it , not altogether unlike to corn , which you may see horses are delighted with , when they gnaw it out of the walls , and drink more freely than usual of that pond water , where this chalk is to be found . he mixed one third part at least of this earth with his bread. ia. and do you call this curing it ? gi. i know by experience , that it made the mustiness of the corn to be not altogether so perceivable . now tell me , was not this a considerable profit ? besides , he had another stratagem in reserve , for he baked his own bread at home , which in the very midst of summer he never did oftner than twice a month. ia. why surely it must be as hard as marble . gi. and harder if 't is possible ; but we had a remedy at hand for that too . ia. perhaps worse than the disease , but what was it ? gi. with much tugging and sweating we cut this delicious bread into fine thin slices , and soaked them in the wine . ia. the devil a barrel the better herring ; but how did the servants bear this abominable vsage ? gi. first let me tell you how the top folks of the family were served , and then you may easily conjecture how the servants fared . ia. i am in pain till you acquaint me . gi. it was as bad as treason to mention that apochryphal word , breakfast in the family ; and as for dinner , it was generally deferr'd till one of the clock in the afternoon . ia. why so ? gi. we were obliged , you may think , in good manners to stay till the master of the family came home , and we seldom supt before ten. ia. well but old friend of mine , how cou'd your stomach brook to be post-poned so ? i have known the time when it was not endued with this admirable gift of christian patience . gi. you shall hear . i called every other moment upon our landlord's son-in-law ▪ who lay upon the same floor with my self ; ho i monsieur , said i , do ye make no dining here at bourdeaux ? for the lord's sake , sir , said he , stay a little , my father will be here in a minute . finding not the least motion towards dinner , and my guts very mutinous , hark you friend , cry'd i , will you starve us here ? the courteous gentleman begg'd my pardon once more , and desired an hour longer , or some such trifle . being unable any longer to bear the cursed clamor which my bowels made , i bawl'd out again as loud as my lungs wou'd give me leave , the devil 's in this family i think , what must we be all famished ? when the monsieur found that he had no more excuses to make , he went down to the servants and ordered them to lay the cloath ; all this while no master of the house came , and dinner seem'd to be as far off as ever ; so the son-in-law wearied with the complaints i perpetually rattled in his ears , went to the apartment where his wife , and mother , and children were , and desired them to give orders for dinner . ia. well , now i expect to hear how your entertainment was served in . gil. pray ben't so hasty . at last a lame ill favoured fellow , such as they paint vulcan , lay'd the napkins upon the table , for that it seems was his province . this was the first step made towards dinner , and about an hour after , two glass bottles fill'd with water were brought into the room , but not till i had made my self as hoarse as a more-field organ with calling to them . ia. here 's another step i see towards dinner . gil. don't be so hasty i tell you . at a considerable distance of time , but not without a world of knocking , and bawling , and quarelling , a bottle of the above-mention'd wine , but as thick as dishwater , was set upon the side-board . ia. that 's well , however . gil. but not a jot of bread came along with it , tho there was no great danger we shou'd touch it ; for one of col. walker's starvelings in london derry wou'd have refused such stuff . we bawl'd and roar'd again , till we had almost split our wind-pipes , and at last the bread appeared , but so rock● and hard , that i wou'd defie the strongest bear in muscovy to break it asunder with his iaws . ia. well , but now there was no danger of starving , which is a blessing you know ? gil. late in the afternoon our worshipful landlord came home , and generally with this unlucky pretence that his belly aked . ia. why , what the plague was that to you , or any one else ? gil. only this much that then we went fasting to bed ; for who cou'd have the ill manners to think of eating , when the master of the house was out of order . ia. but was he really sick ? gil. so very sick , that he wou'd have devoured ye a rump of beef and a couple of capons if you wou'd have treated him . ia. well , now , sir , if you please to let me know your bill of fare . gil. in the first place , there was served in a little plateful of gray-pease , which the women there cry about the streets , and sell to ordinary people ; and this regale was for the old gentleman 's own eating . he pretended that this was his remedy against all diseases . ia. how many were there of you that sat down to table ? gil. sometimes eight or nine , among whom was monsieur baudin , a learned gentleman , to whose character i suppose you are no stranger , and our landlord's eldest son. ia. and what had they set before them to eat ? gil. what ? why , the same that melchisedeck offer'd to abraham , after he had conquer'd the five kings . and was not that enough in conscience for any reasonable man ? ia. but had you no meat at all . gil. yes , but very little , god knows . i remember that once nine of us sate down to dinner , but may i pass another winter there , if we had any thing else but seven small lettice-leaves , swimming most daintily in vinegar , but not a jot of oyl to bear them company . ia. well , but did old pinch-gut devour all his gray-pease by himself ? gil. you must know , he bought but a farthings worth of them ; however , he did not absolutely forbid those that sat next him to tast them ; but it looked somewhat clownish , or worse to rob a sick man of his victuals . ia. but were not your lettice-leaves split with great dexterity to make the greater show . gil. why , truly no , that i must needs say ; and when those that sate at the upper end of the table had eaten these leaves , the rest of the guests sopp'd their bread in the vinegar , and eat it in their own defence . ia. and what i pray came after these seven lettice-leaves . gil. a very merry question ifaith . what came after ? why , what but the constant epilogue of all dinners , the cheese . ia. pardon my curiosity , but was this your daily fare ? gil. generally speaking it was , but now and then when the old gentleman had the good luck to over-reach any one in the way of trade , he wou'd be a little more open hearted . ia. i long to know how he entertained you then . gil. upon such an occasion he wou'd so far play the prodigal , as to lay ye out a whole penny , with which he wou'd order three fresh bunches of grapes to be bought . on such an extravagant gaudy day as this , the family was like to run out of their wits . ia. and had but too much reason for 't , by what i perceive . gil. we were regall'd in this manner never but when grapes were dog cheap . ia. so then i find he never treated you but in the autumn . gil. yes , hang him , he did . you have fishermen there that take ye a world of cockles , and chiefly out of the common-shores , which they cry about the streets . in this precious commodity he wou'd sometimes out of his great generosity lay out an half-penny . you 'd have sworn then that we had a wedding feast in the family : there was a fire made in the kitchin , tho' not very great , for these cockles you must understand are boyl'd in a minute . this rare dish came always after the cheese , and serv'd instead of a desert . ja. a most extraordinary desert upon my word . well but had you never any flesh or fish to keep your stomachs in play ? gil. at last the old gentleman , wearied and overcome with the reproaches i made him , began to be somewhat more splendid in his eating . now when he design'd to play the epicure in good earnest , the bill of fare was as follows . ja. i shall imagine my self now at lockets , or the blew posts in the hay-market . gil. imprimis , we had a dish of soop season'd with the following spices . they took you a large kettle of water and set it over the fire ; into it they flung several pieces of skimm'd-milk cheese , but as hard as iron . in short , there was no hewing of it without a good hatchet . at last these venerable fragments of cheese wou'd begin to grow a little better natured , by virtue of the fire beneath , and then they discoloured the abovemention'd water so prettily , that a man cou'd not positively say 't was meer element . now , sir , this soop was brought in as a preparative for the stomach . ja. soop do ye call it ; 't was only fit for the hogs . gil. when this was taken away , we had in the next place a small dimunitive dish of tripe , that was boyled at least fifteen days before . ja. surely then it stunk most egregiously . gil. it did so ; but we had a trick to help that . ja. prithee what was it ? gil. i am afraid you 'll use it your self , if i tell you . ja. ay marry , sir , there 's great danger of that . gil. they wou'd put ye an egg or two into warm water and beat them well together , then they daubed the tripe over with this liquor . by this means your eyes were cheated , but 't was impossible to cheat your nose , for the stink , i warrant ye , wou'd force its way through a stone wall. if it happen'd to be a fish day , we had sometimes three whitings , and those the smallest the market afforded , tho there were seven or eight of us at table . ia. but you had something else i suppose ? gil. nothing but that confounded cheese i told you of , as hard as an usurers conscience . an ostrich that makes nothing to breakfast upon iron cou'd never digest it . ja. well , monsieur le maigre is the oddest epicure i ever heard of ; but prethee answer me one civil question : how a god's name cou'd such slender provision be enough for so many guests of you , especially since you had no breakfast to blunt the edge of your stomachs ? gil. nay sir , i shall increase your wonder when i tell you that the remainders of our dinner fed the mother-in-lay , and the daughter-in-law , the youngest son , a servant maid , and a litter of children . ja. you have indeed ; 't is now a greater riddle to me than before . gil. 't is impossible for me to explain this difficulty to you , until i first represent to you in what order we sat at table . ja. let me beg that favour of you then . gil. our landlord sat at the upper end , and my worship on the right hand of him ; his son-in-law monsieur peu directly overagainst our landlord ; monsieur baudin sat next to monsieur peu , and one constantine a grecian next to him : but i forgot to tell you , that our landlord's eldest son , the heir apparent of the family , sat on his father's left hand . if any stranger came to dine with us , he was placed according to his quality . as for the soop , there was no great danger of its being eaten up ; but you must know that in the plates of those worthy gentlemen , who had the honour of being chiefly in our landlord's good graces , a few little bits of the damn'd cheese above-mentioned floated up and down , and looked like the maldivy islands in a map of the east-indies . this execrable hog-wash was encompassed with some four or five bottles that held wine and water , which form'd a sort of a barricado , so that no body cou'd reach his spoon to it , except the three before whom the dish stood , unless he had a mind to be very impudent indeed , and scale the walls of the garrison : however this dish did not stay there long , but was soon taken away that something might be left for the family . ja. how did the rest employ themselves all this while , i pray ? gil. why , they regaled themselves after the old delicious manner ; they soak'd their bread , which as i told you before , was half wheat and half chalk , in that sowr thick nasty wine , and so fed upon 't . ja. your dinner certainly used to be over in a minute . gil. you are mistaken , it held above an hour . ja. i can't imagine how that cou'd be . gil. after the servants had taken away the soop , which you may remember was none of the most tempting fare , the cheese was set upon the table , which run no great risque of being much demolished , for it defyed the sharpest knife that ever appeared at the keenest ordinary . every man's portion of bread and wine stood before him still , and over these dantios we were at leisure to chat , and tell stories , and divert our selves ; in the mean time the women dined . ja. but how did the servants fare after all ? gil. they had nothing in common with us , but dined and supt at their own hours : but this i must tell you , that take the whole day , they did not spend above half an hour at their victuals . ja. i desire once more to know how they were served ? gil. you need not give me that trouble , but may easily guess . ja. your germans now think an hour too little to breakfast in ; they take the same time generally at their beaver ; an hour and half at least goes at dinner , and at least two hours at supper ; then unless their bellies are well fill'd with the best wine , and flesh and fish of all sorts , they immediately discard their masters , and run to the army . gil. every nation has its peculiar genius and way of living . the italians bestow but very little upon their bellies ; they wou'd rather you shou'd give them a piece of money than the best entertainment , and this frugality or temperance they rather owe to nature than custome . ja. well , now i don't wonder that you are come home so lean , but rather how you cou'd make a shift to keep body and soul together so long , since to my knowledge you were so used to capons , and patridges , and pigeons , and pheasants , with a long et cetera too tedious to be mentioned . gil. why troth i had very fairly trooped off , if i had not bethought my self of due remedies . ja. the world went very ill with you for certain , when you were forced to bettress it with these remedies as you call them . gil. i brought matters about so , that i had the fourth part of a boyled pullet allow'd me every meal , to keep up my languishing spirits . ja. ay marry , now you begin to live . gil. not altogether so well as you imagine . old gripe bought the pullets himself , but they were the least he cou'd lay his hands on , to save expences . i dare engage that six of them wou'd not serve a polander of a tolerable stomach to make his breakfast on ; and when he had bought them he wou'd not give them the least corn , because forsooth he wou'd not put himself to extraordinary charges . thus a wing or a leg of the poor fowl ▪ that was half starved before they put it into the pot , fell to my share , and the liver always went to monsieur peu's little son. as for the broth they made of it , the women perpetually lapp'd it up , and every other minute wou'd put you fresh water into the pot , to make this precious pottage hold out the longer . now when it was perfectly boil'd to rags , and as dry as a chip , a leg of it or so came to your humble servant . the broth was nothing in the world but water bewitched , if it deserved so good a name . ia. and yet people tell me that you have all sorts of fowl there in great plenty and perfection , and exceeding cheap . gil. 't is even so , but mony is harder to come by . ia. you have done pennance enough one wou'd think , tho' you have knocked the old gentleman at the vatican in the head , or untruss'd a point upon s. peter's tomb. gil. but hear the rest of the farce out . you know there are five days in every week , on which 't is lawful to eat flesh. ia. well , and what of that ? gil. so our landlord made two pullets last the whole week ; for on thursday he wou'd pretend that he forgot to go to market , least he should be obliged to spend a whole pullet on that day , or least any of it should be left to the servants . ia. by what i perceive , your landlord was ten times a greater miser than enelio in plantus . but on fish days what course did ye take i wonder to keep your self alive ? gil. i employ'd a certain friend of mine to buy me three eggs every morning with my own mony ; two for dinner , and one for supper . but here the women play'd the devil with me ; for instead of new laid eggs , ( and i 'm sure i paid as if they had been such ) they wou'd give me rotten ones , such as were only fit to be levell'd at a pillory : so that i thought my self very kindly and courteously dealt with indeed ; if one of my three eggs proved eatable . i likewise bought me some flasks of good wine for my own drinking , but those everlasting harpyes the women broke up my cellar door , and in a few days did not leave me a drop ; neither was our most incomparable landlord much displeas'd at the matter . ia. but did none of the family take pitty of your sad condition ? gil. take pitty , say you ? no , they call'd me glutton and cormorant , and ravenous monster that wou'd certainly bring a famine into their country . upon this head that accomplished gentleman , monsieur peu wou'd frequently give me good advice ; he soberly and gravely counselled me to consider the place where i lived , and to have some regard to my health in so ticklish a climate , giving me the names of several of my country-men , who had either died martyrs to their own gluttony , or contracted very dangerous distempers by it . when notwithstanding these wholsome admonitions , which he daily pour'd into my ears , he found me an incorrigible reprobate to my guts , and ever now and then propping my lean , sickly , feeble carcass with some foolish trifles that were to be had at the confectioners , made of the kernels of pine-apples , melons , and such worthy stuff ; when i say he found me so intirely abandon'd to the interest of my belly , and so prodigally pampering my self , he got a certain physician , with whom he knew i was acquainted , to perswade me to a more temperate course of life , and be less indulgent to my self in diet. the doctor , to give him his due , performed his part notably , and inculcated these pious precepts to me every morning . i soon perceiv'd , that he was set on to do it , and suited my answers accordingly . at last finding him perpetually to harp upon this string , so that his company grew nauseous and troublesome ; worthy doctor , said i to him , pray answer me one civil question , do ye speak this in jest or in earnest ? oh in earnest , replied he , well then , continued i , what wou'd you have me do ? why , to leave off suppers for good and all , said he , and to mix at least one half water with your wine . i cou'd not forbear laughing at this extraordinary advice ; so said i to him , doctor , if 't is your will and pleasure to see me decently laid in a church-yard , you take an infallible course to bring it about ; for i 'm sure it wou'd be present death to me , in the present circumstances of this poor dispirited body , to leave off suppers ; and i am so confident of this truth , that i am loath to make the experiment . what do you think wou'd become of me , if after such scurvy dinners as we have here , i shou'd go supperless to bed ? and then to bid me mingle water with such weak instiped wine , pray consider , is it not infinitely better to drink clear water as it comes from the fountain , than to debauch it with such wretched sowr stuff . i don't question but that monsieur peu ( a plague take him for 't ) order'd you to give me this ghostly advice ; for indeed 't is fitter for one of glanvill ' s , or mr. aubry ' s spectres , then for flesh and blood to follow . at this the doctor smiled inspite of his affected gravity , and was pleased to allow me better terms than before . worthy sir , cried he , i did not say this to you with an intention that you should totally leave off supper ; you may eat an egg and drink a glass of wine , for this is my own manner of living . i have an egg boiled me for my supper , one half of the yolk i eat myself , and i give my son the other half , then i drink half a glass of wine , and by virtue of this refreshment , i make a shift to study till late in the night . ia. but did not this physician put the doctor upon you , as the saying is ? do you think this account he gave of himself was true ? gil. ay , most certainly . as i was once coming home from church , a gentleman that bore me company , pointing to a certain house , told me the doctor lived there . upon this i had a curiosity to visit his quarters ; so i knocked at the door , and in i came . i remember it was a sunday of all the days of the year , and i surprized the doctor with his son , and a servant at dinner . the bill of fare was a couple of eggs , and the devil a jot of any thing else . ia. why , surely these people were scarce able to crawl . they wou'd have made most excellent ghosts for a play , i warrant you . gil. far from that , they were both plump and in good liking , their eyes brisk and lively , and their cheeks fresh coloured and ruddy . ia. 't is wonderful strange , i can scarce bring my self to believe it . gil. nothing is truer i can assure you . the doctor is not the only person that lives thus , but several others , men of bulk and substance in the world. take my word for 't , much eating and much drinking is a matter of custome rather than nature . if a man uses himself to a spare diet , he may e'en carry it as far as he pleases , and be the reverse of milo , who , as history tells us , came from eating a calf to devour a whole ox at a sitting . ia. good heavens ! if 't is possible for a man to preserve his health with so little nourishment , i can't but think what a prodigious expence the english , the germans , the danes and polanders squander away upon their bellies . gil. no doubt on 't but they might save half in half in their kitchins , which now they foolishly consume to the apparent prejudice of their healths , as well as vnderstandings . ia. but why then noble sir , cou'd not you content your self with this philosophical fare . gil. i had accustomed my self all along to several dishes , and it was too late to alter my way of living then . tho' to tell you the truth , i was rather scandalized at the quality , than at the quantity of their victuals . two eggs wou'd have served me very well for supper , if they had been fresh laid ; and half a pint of wine wou'd have been enough in all conscience , if it had not been as thick as mustard , and as sowr as vinegar . to conclude , one quarter of the bread wou'd have been as much as i cou'd compass , if they had not given me chalk instead of bread. ia. lord ! that your landlord monsieur le maigre shou'd be such a sordid wretch amidst so prodigious a wealth ? gil. i speak within compass , when i tell you that he was worth fourscore thousand ducats the least penny , and never a year pass'd over his head that he did not get a thousand pounds clear in the way of merchandize . i speak the least . ia. and did those hopeful young sparks , to whom he design'd all these riches , use the same parsimony . gil. they did , but it was only at home . when they were got abroad , they eat , and drank , and whored and gamed most plentifully ; and while their penurious old dad thought it much to spend one single six-pence at his house , to treat the best relations and friends he had in the whole world , these prodigal rakchells wou'd make you nothing to loose forescore broad pieces in a night at play. ia. this is the usual fate of your great estates that are gotten with griping and oppression . what is got over the devil 's back , we say , is spent under his belly . — but if i may be so bold as to ask you one question , now you have scaped this enchanted country , where are you steering your course ? gil. why , to a parcel of iolly companions at the rummer in queen-street , to see if i can make my self amends there , for all the hardships i have suffer'd abroad . xantippe , or , the imperious wife . col . vi. the duty of wives . husbands , tho' never so untowardly and vitious not to be treated with contempt or ill language . a scolding wife generally makes her husband a greater sot instead of amending him . some instances of virtuous ladies that have reclaim'd their husbands from an ill course of life , by gentleness and good usage . eulalia . xantippe . eu. my dear xantippe a good morning to you . xan. the same to you eulalia . you look prettier than you used to do methinks . eu. what do you begin to jeer me already ? xan. not i upon my word , i abhor it . but so you seem to me , i 'll assure you . eu. perhaps then my new cloathes may set me off to advantage . xan. you guess right , 't is one of the prettiest suits i ever beheld , and then the trimming too is so agreeable . well you have the best fancy with you of any woman in the world. 't is english cloth i suppose ? eu. the wool indeed is english , but it was dyed at venice . xan. bless me ! it feels as soft as silk , and the colour is the most bewitching that can be : but who gave you this fine present i wonder ? eu. from whom should a virtuous wife receive any presents , but from her husband ? xan. well! you are a happy woman , that you are , to have that precious jewel , a good husband : for my part , i wish i had married a mushroom , a bean-stalk , the head of an old base viol , or any thing , when the parson joyn'd me to this sot , this incorrigible beast . eu. what , is your house until'd already , and is it come to a rupture between you ? xan. and so it is like to hold to the end of the chapter for me . do but see what a pitiful manteau i am forced to wear ; and yet he is glad to see me go so like a dowdy . may i never stir , if i am not ashamed to go to church , or a gossiping , to see how much finer my neighbours are dressed than me , whose husbands , tho i say it , have not a quarter of the estate , that mine has . eu. the true ornament of a matron , as our doctor will inform you , does not consist in gaudy cloaths , and a rich out-side , in iewels and necklaces , but in meekness and chastity , and in the endowments of the mind . harlots are tricked up on purpose to draw in customers , but an honest woman is set out to all the advantage she can desire , if she 's but so happy as to please her husband . xan. in the mean time this most worthy tool of mine , who grudges every farthing that is laid out upon his wife , takes all the pains in the world to squander away the fortune i brought him , which , by the by , was not contemptible . eu. as how i pray ? xan. why , as the maggot bites , sometimes upon his whores , sometimes at gaming , or at the tavern . eu. oh fie ! you shou'd never say this of your husband . xan. but i 'll justifie it to be true ; and then when the brute comes home at midnight with his cargo of claret in his guts , and stinking of tobacco worse than a polecat , he does nothing but snore all the night long ; and 't is a mercy if he leaves nothing but his wine between the sheets , for sometimes 't is worse with him . eu. peace , i 'll hear no more of this ; you forget that you really lessen your self when you lessen your husband . xan. let me dye if i wou'd not rather take up my quarters in a pigsty with a cleanly hog , than lye with such a mixture of nastiness and brutality . eu. and when you find him in such a pickle , don't you scold at him to some purpose ? xan. yes indeed i use him as he deserves . i suppose he 's satisfied that i have lungs upon occasion . eu. well , and how does he relish this treatment ? xan. at first he bounc'd and swagger'd most heroically , thinking to fright me with his big words and all that . eu. and did it never come to downright blows between you ? xan. once , and but once , the quarrel rose so high , that we were within an ace of fifty cuffs . eu. what 's this i hear ? xan. my spark had a crab-tree cudgel in his hand , which he lifted up , swearing and cursing like a foot soldier at an unbelieving country innkeeper , and threatning to make a severe example of me . eu. and were you not afraid that he 'd be as good as his word ? xan. to prevent that , i snatched up a three-legg'd stool , and told him that i 'de comb his head with it , if he offer'd to touch me with his little finger . eu. a merry sort of a buckler upon my word . xan. had he not sounded a retreat , he had found to his cost , i believe , that he had no child to deal with . eu. oh my dear xantippe you do ill in this , i must tell you . xan. pray in what respect ? for if he does not use me as his wife , i don't know why i shou'd use him as my husband , eu the new testament will tell you other things ; st. paul says that wives ought to be subject to their husbands with all reverence ; and st. peter proposes the example of sarah to us , who call'd her husband abraham , lord. xan. this i know full well ; but the apostle you first mention'd , likewise teaches , that men shou'd love their wives , as christ loved his spouse the church : let him put his own duty in practice , and i 'll not forget mine i promise you . eu. well , but when things are come to such a dilemma , that either the wife or husband must knock under the table , i think it but reasonable that the woman shou'd submit to the man. xan. why must i look upon him to be my husband , who uses me worse than a kitchin-wench ? eu. but tell me , xantippe , did he never threaten to beat you after this ? xan. no , no , he grew wiser and repented of his valour ; otherwise he had caught a tartar , i can tell him but that . eu. so then i hope you left off scolding at him . xan. no , never while i have this tongue in my head. eu. but how does your husband bear it all this while ? xan. why sometimes he pretends to be fast asleep , sometimes he does nothing in the world but laugh , aud sometimes he takes his confounded fiddle , with no more than three strings to 't , and scrapes ye upon the batter'd old instrument with as much might and pains as if he were a threshing , and all this on purpose to stop my pipe. eu. and did not that vex the very heart of you ? xan. so much , that i cou'd almost have tore him to pieces for downright madness . lu. well , my dear xantippe , will you give me leave to talk a little freely to you ? xan. with all my heart , say what you please . eu. nay you shall do as much with me : and this i think is no more than what our long acquaintance will warrant , for you and i have known one another from our cradles . xan. you say true , and there 's none of my play fellows i love better than your self . eu. let your husband prove what he will , yet i 'de have you still carry it in your mind , that it is not in your power to change him for another . heretofore , indeed , when things came to an open rupture , and no reconciliation cou'd be hoped for , a divorce might set both parties at ease , which is not to be done at this time of day ; for now you must bear with him for better , for worse to the last breath in your body : try what tricks you please , he will still be your husband , and you his wife . xan. how i cou'd rail at those that robb'd us of this privilege ! eu. have a care what you say : no worse a manthan he that instituted our religion , thought fit to lay this curb upon us . xan. i can't believe it . eu. but 't is as i tell you . so then you husband and you have nothing left to do , but to suit your tempers and dispositions to one another , and to bear the yoke of matrimony as contentedly as you can . xan. but do you think 't is possible for me to work a miracle , and to a her the nature of this insufferable brute ? eu. you must give me leave to tell you however , that it does not a little depend upon a wife what sort of a man her husband will make . xan. and do your husband and you live in perfect amity ? eu. yes , heaven be praised , all is easy and quiet with us now . xan. then i find there has been some bickering formerly between you . eu. nothing that cou'd properly be called a tempest ; only , as no condition of life is perfect on this side heaven , a few small clouds began to appear , which might have occasioned very ill weather , if care had not been taken to prevent it by a wise conduct . every one has his peculiar humours and fancies , and if we will honestly speak the truth , every one has his faults more or less , which in the matrimonial state especially , we ought to connive at , and not to hate . xan. indeed i must own this to be true . eu. now it frequently happens that that good understanding and friendship , which ought to be preserved between a man and his wife , is fatally interrupted , before they have any tolerable knowledge of one another . and this is the first thing that ought to be provided against ; for when once the spirit of division has disunited them , 't is a difficult matter to make a reconciliation , especially if ever it went so high as to come to personal reflections . we see that pieces of wood which are glew'd together , if they are rudely used at first , are easily broke asunder ; but if you give them time to settle , and the glew is throughly dried , there 's no danger of their breaking . for this reason all the care in the world ought to be taken , that in the infancy of marriage a good correspondence be settled between both parties and take deep rooting . this is principally effected by a mutual complaisance and easiness of disposition ; for love that has nothing but beauty to keep it in good health , is short-liv'd and apt to have ague-fits . xan. pray then oblige me so far as to tell me by what arts you made your husband tractable ? eu. with all my heart , that you may copy after them . xan. so i will , if they are but practicable . eu. oh the easiest in nature , if you 'll give your mind to 't ; and this i must tell you for your comfort , that 't is not too late to put them in execution . your spouse is in the flower of his youth , and so are you , and , as i take it , it is not a full twelvemonth since you were married . xan. you are in the right , 't is thereabouts . eu. i will tell you then , but upon condition that you 'll keep it to your self . xan. never question that . i can be silent as well as another upon occasion . eu. my first and chief care was to please my good man in every respect , that nothing might give him offence or disgust . i diligently observed his inclination and temper , and what were his easiest moments , what things pleased , and on the other hand what distasted him ; and this with as much application , as your people that tame elephants , lions , and such sort of creatures , that cannot be master'd by downright strength . xan. and such an animal for all the world have i at home . eu. your keepers of elephants take care to wear no thing that is white about them , as those that pretend to manage bulls forbear the use of red cloth , because they find by experience that these colours are disagreeable to both these creatures . thus we see that the beating of a drum will set a tyger stark raging mad , so that he will tear his own flesh ; and thus your iockies have particular sounds , and whistles , and strokes to flatter their horses when they are ill condition'd . how much more does it concern us then to use all imaginable means to fix our selves in our husbands good graces , with whom , whether we will or no , we must live all our lives at bed and at board , till death comes to our relief ? xan. well , go on with what you have begun . eu. when , after a diligent examination , i had found out his humour , i accommodated mine to his , and took care that nothing should offend him . xan. as how i wonder ? eu. in every thing relating to the family , which you know is the peculiar province of the women , i shew'd my utmost dexterity and management ; for i not only , provided that nothing should be omitted and left undone , but likewise that every thing should be suitable to his temper , even in trifles , and matters of the least consequence . as for instance , if my husband fancied such a dish of meat , and wou'd have it dressed after sueh a manner ; if he wou'd have so many blankets on the bed , or such furniture in such a room , 't was all done to his fancy . xan. but how cou'd you humour a man that is never at home , but perpetually sotting at the tavern and drunk ? eu. hold , i am coming to that point , if at any time i saw my husband out of sorts and melancholy , and not caring much to be talked to , i would not for the world laugh , or put on a gay humour , as some women use to do upon the like occasion , but i my self put on a grave , demure countenance as well as he ; for , as a looking-glass , if it is a true one , faithfully represents the face of him that looks in it , so a wife ought to fashion herself to the affection of her husband ; not to be chearful when he is sad , nor sad when he is chearful . now whenever i found him very shagreen indeed , i either endeavour'd to sooth him with fair words , or else held my tongue , and waited till this ill humour had spent it self , and then i took my opportunity to clear all mistakes and to admonish him . the same method i constantly observed , when he came home somewhat fuddl'd or so : at such a time i gave him all the indulgent tender language i cou'd think off , and by this means got him to bed. xan. a blessed life this , that we poor wives are forced to lead , if we must humour our husbands in every thing that comes into their noddle when drunk or angry . eu. you don't consider that this duty is reciprocal , and that our husbands are obliged to bear the same from us . however there is a critical time when a wife may take upon her to advise her husband in matters of some importance ; for i think it much better to wink at small faults . xan. and how is she to know the proper time . eu. why , when his mind is serene , and nothing disturbs him , when he is cool and sober , then you may admonish , or rather intreat him , and this always in private , as to any thing wherein his estate , or his health , or reputation are concerned . and this very advice is to be seasoned with some pleasantries , that it may look as if it were not design'd , but accidental . sometimes by way of preface , i agree with him before hand that he shan't be angry , if being a foolish woman , i take upon me to interpose my own counsel in any thing wherein his honour , or health , or preservation are concerned . after i have said as much as i think proper at that time , i turn the discourse to some more entertaining and agreeable subject ; for under the rose , be it spoken , this is the fault of us women , that when once we have begun to tune our pipes , we don't know when to give over . xan. why so they say indeed . eu. this i always religiously observed as a rule , never to chide my husband before company , nor to prattle abroad of miscarriages at home . what passes between two people is much easier made up , than when once it has taken air ; now if ever matters come to such a pass , that the husband is incurable , and no longer to be born with , i think it much the prudenter course for the wife to carry her complaints to the parents , or relations of her husband , than to her own priends , and besides to manage her complaints with such discretion , that the world may see she only hates the vices , and not the person of her husband ▪ neither wou'd i have her blab out all she knows , that even here her husband may be obliged in spite of his teeth to own and admire her civility to him . xan. a woman must be a philosopher with a witness , to be able to practice so much self denial upon her self . eu. i am of another opinion , for by this deportment and conduct we prevail upon our husbands to return the kindness again . xan. well , but there are brutes in the world whom all the good usage imaginable will never amend . eu. i can hardly believe it ; but put the case there are , this we ought to take for granted , that let our husbands prove what they will , we must bear their humours when once we have chose them , and then i 'll appeal to you whether 't is not infinitely better to soften him by a courteous temper , or at worst to bear with all his failings , than by our perpetual scolding and railing at him to exasperate and make him ten times worse . i cou'd , if i were so minded , instance in some husbands , who by the like sweetnesses have alter'd their spouses much for the better , then how much a greater obligation lies upon us to use our husbands in this manner . xan. if you can instance in such a man , i must tell you he differs more from my virtuous husband than black from white . eu. i have the honour to be acquainted with a gentleman of a very good family , well read , and learned , and a person of great address and dexterity . he married a young lady of about seventeen years of age , who had been educated all along in the country in her father's house ; for you know men of quality love to reside in the country for the conveniences of hunting and hawking . he was resolv'd to have a raw unexperienc'd maid , that he might have satisfaction of moulding her to his own fancy . so he began to give her some insight into books , and to teach her musick , and to use her by degrees to repeat the heads of the parson's sermon , together with several other things , which he thought wou'd be of some use and advantage to her . now this being wholly new to the girl , who , as i told you before , had been bred up at home with all the tenderness and delicacy that you can imagine , amidst the flatteries and submissions of the servants , she soon grew weary of this life . she absolutely refus'd to learn any more , and when her husband pressed her about it , she wou'd cry and roar as if she were going to be sacrificed . sometimes she wou'd throw her self flat upon the ground , and beat her head against the floor , and wish that death wou'd come to end her affliction ; for alass , life , was a meer burden to her . her husband finding that there was no end of this , concealed his resentments , and invited her to go along with him into the country to divert themselves there at his father-in-law's house . the young lady liked this motion well enough ; so when they came to their iourney 's end , the gentleman leaves his wife with her mother and sister , and goes a hunting with his father-in-law . when he had him alone in the fields , he took his opportunity to tell him , that whereas he was in good hopes to have found an agreeable companion in his daughter , on the contrary she was always sobbing , and crying , and fretting her self without reason , and that this unaccountable habit had taken such deep rooting in her , that he feared she was incurable ; however he conjured him to lend him his helping hand , to see if they cou'd between them bring her to a better temper . his father-in-law answered , that he had put his daughter for good and all into his power , and if she did not behave her self as she ought , he was at liberty to use his own authority , and to cudgel her into due submission . i know my own power well enough , replies the other , but i had much rather my wife shou'd be reason'd into her duty by you , than to come to these extremities . at last the old gentleman promised to use all his skill to reduce her , so after a day or two , he takes a proper time and place to discourse in private with his daughter , and looking somewhat austerely upon her , he began to remind her , how indifferent she was as to her beauty , how disagreeable as to her disposition , so that he had often feared that he should never be able to get a husband for her . but after a long enquiry , and much diligence , said he , i had the good luck to find out one for you that the best lady in the land wou'd have been glad of ; and yet you , continued he , like an insensible stupid creature , as you are , neither considering what i your father have done for you , nor reflecting that your husband , unless he was the best natured man in the world , wou'd scorn to take you for his maid , perpetually dispute his orders , and rebel against him . to make short of my story , the old gentleman seemed to be in such a passion by his discourse , that she expected every minute when he wou'd make her feel the weight of his hands ; for you must know he is so adroit and cunning a blade , that he wou'd act ye any part as well as the best comedian of them all . the young lady partly wrought upon by her fear , and partly convinced by the truth of what was told her , threw her self at her father's feet , humbly beseeching him to forget past faults , and promising that she wou'd not be wanting in her duty for the time to come . her father freely forgave her , adding , that she shou'd find him the most indulgent father upon earth , provided she kept her word . xan. well , but how ended this affair ? eu. when this dialogue was over , the young lady returned directly to her chamber , where finding her husband all alone , she fell down upon her marrow-bones , and addressed her self to him in the following manner . sir , said she , till this very moment i neither knew you nor my self , but you shall find me another sort of a wife for the future , only i conjure you to grant me an act of oblivion for what is past . she had no sooner made an end , but her husband took her up in his arms , and kissed her , promising to doe every thing she cou'd desire of him , if she wou'd but continue in that resolution . xan. and did she continue in it i wonder . ecc. even to the day of her death . nothing was so mean and humble , but she readily went about it , if her husband wou'd have it so . in short they were the happiest and most loving couple in the whole country , and the young lady for several years afterwards wou'd bless her stars , that it was her good fortune to light upon such an husband ; for if i had not fallen into his hands , i had been , she said , the most unhappy woman upon the face of the earth . xan. such husbands are as scarce now a days as white crows . gresham colledge , and the oxford elaboratory have nothing to match it . eu. if i have not trespassed too much upon your patience already , i will tell you a short story of a certain gentleman in this city , that was lately reclaimed by the good usage of his wife . xan. i have nothing upon my hands at present , and besides your conversation is so diverting , that methinks i cou'd always listen to you . eu. this gentleman i am going to tell you of was descended from an honourable family , and he like the rest of his own estate ▪ and quality , took a mighty delight in hunting . one day in his country rambles , he accidentally met with a pretty young damsel , daughter to a poor old woman that lived in a hutt facing the common . he fell desperately in love with this creature , as old men you know like tinder take fire in an instant , and when they love , love to some purpose . for the sake of this young girl he frequently lay from home , and hunting was still made the pretence for it . his lady , a woman of admirable conduct and goodness , suspecting there was more than ordinary in the matter , was resolved at any rate to find out the bottom of it , and in her search , by what accident i have now forgot , came to the above-mention'd cottage , where she soon learnt all the particulars , as what he drank , how his victuals were dressed , where he lay , and so forth . this house was the most wretched dog-hole you cou'd any where see , with not a jot of furniture to help it off . away goes this lady home , and returns immediately , bringing a handsome bed , and other conveniencies , and a set of plate to use upon occasion . she likewise gave the poor people some mony at parting , and advised them by all means that the next time the gentleman came that way , they should treat him with more respect , not letting them know that she was his wife , but pretending to be his sister . some few days after this her husband coming thither , found the furniture much alter'd for the better , and his entertainment more splendid than it used to be . upon this he enquired of them how this sudden change of the scene happen'd , and they honestly told him that a woman of quality , as she appeared to be by her dress , brought all those fine things thither , and gave it them it them in charge to treat him with more respect for the future . it immediately came into his head that this was of his wife 's doing ; so when he came home , he asked her whether she had been at such a place , and mentioned it . she told him she had ; then he desired to know for what reason she had sent all that rich furniture thither ? my dear , says she , i found that your lodging and fare there was none of the best , and as i knew you were used to be better treated at home , i thought it my duty , that since you took a fancy to the place , to make your reception more agreeable to you . xan. the lady was to blame in my opinion . had i been in her place , instead of bedding and all that , i had sent him a bundle of nettles and thistles to have cooled his concupiscence for him . eu. well , but hear the conclusion of my story . the gentleman was so surprized at this unusual strain of good nature and virtue in his lady , that he never after violated her bed , or rambled abroad , but solaced himself with her at home . now i am upon this discourse , i suppose you know mr. gilbert the dutch merchant . xan. i know him very well . eu. i need not tell you then that he is in the prime of his age , and that he married a gentlewoman well stricken in years . xan. i suppose then he was in love with her bags , and not with her person . eu. that may be as you say , but to proceed . this spark soon grew weary of his spouse , and intrigued with a mistress in a corner , with whom he spent most of his time. he seldom dined or supt at home . now , pray tell me what you wou'd have done in such a case . xan. why , i wou'd have torn his strumpet's head-cloaths off where ever i had met her ; and as for my good man , i wou'd have sprinkled him from top to toe with essence of chamberpot , and in that dainty pickle he shou'd have visited his baggage , if it was so rampant with him eu. well , but how much more prudently did this gentlewoman carry her self ? she invited this rival of hers to her own house , and received her with all the civility imaginable . thus without going to any of your raskally astrologers for a charm , she kept her husband at home ; but whenever the maggot took him to sup with her abroad , she wou'd send you a good dish or two of meat to her lodgings , and desire them to pass their time with one another as merrily as they cou'd . xan. for my part i shou'd sooner choose to be in my grave , than to be a bawd to my own husband . eu. but pray consider the matter soberly and cooly . was not this infinitely better than if by her churlishness , and ill-temper , she had totally alienated her husbands affections from her , and spent her whole life in quarelling and bawling . xan. i must confess that of the two evils 't is the least , but i cou'd never have submitted to it . ecc. i will trouble you but with one other story , and then i 'll have done . this neighbour of ours that lives next door to us , is a right honest man , but somewhat hasty and cholerick . one day it fell out that he beat his wife , a woman of extraordinary prudence . upon this she immediately withdrew into her apartment , and there crying and sobbing , endeavoured to give vent to her resentments . soon after upon one occasion or other her husband came into the room , where he found her drown'd in tears . hey day ! says he , what means this putting finger in eye , and whimpering like a child thus ? to which she calmly answer'd , why , is it not better to lament my mis fortune here , than to bawl out and make a noise in the street , as other women do . her husband was so intirely overcome and disarm'd of his passion by this conjugal answer , that he gave her his hand , and solemnly promised that the wou'd never strike her as long as he lived , and he was as good as his word i must tell you . xan. well , but heaven be praised i have brought off my husband from using me so by a different conduct . eu. right , but then there are perpetual wars between you . xan. why , what wou'd you have a woman do ? eu. in the first place , if your husband offers you any affront or injury , take no notice of it , but endeavour to soften him to you by all offices of gentleness , meekness , and good nature . by this means you will either wholly reclaim him at long run , or at least you 'll find him much more tractable and easie than at present you find him . xan. ay , but he 's such an incorrigible brute , that all the good usage will not make him one farthing the better . eu. you must pardon me , if i am not of your mind . there is no beast so savage and unmanageable but he may be tam'd by good treatment . why then shou'd you despair to effect it in a man. let me conjure you by our long acquaintance to try this experiment but for two or three months , and i 'll give you leave to blame me as long as you please , if you find that this advice is of no benefit to you . to deal plainly with you , there are certain vices , at which you must connive , otherwise your repose will be but of short continuance ; but above all things you ought to take special care never to begin any quarrel , or to trump up any angry stories with your husband in bed. every thing there ought to be chearful and pleasant , and indeed when that place which is consecrated to the cementing of love , to the allaying of marriage-storms ; and to the wiping out of old miscarriages , comes to be unhallowed by sowrness , and profaned by ill language , i think 't is high time to write lord have mercy upon the doors ; for if the fountain head be poisoned , what help can be expected from the streams ? i know some women of such insatiable tongues , and so intemperately given to scolding , that they cannot forbear to let their clacks run even while the rites of love are performing , and by the uneasiness of their tempers render fruition it self disagreeable , which uses to be the never-failing reconciler of husband and wife . by this means they make that cordial , which ought to cure all the heart-burnings of matrimony , to be of little or no effect . xan. this has been my own case a hundred times . eu. yet you cannot but be sensible , that tho it is the wife's interest so to manage her game , as never to displease her husband , if she can help it , upon any occasion whatsoever , yet she ought to take particular care to oblige him in the above-mention'd critical minute , as much as lies in her power . xan. i own she ought to do it to a man , but alas ! my lot is fallen upon a downright impenitent brute . eu. come , come , leave off your railing . if our husbands prove bad it generally happens so through our own ill conduct ; but to return to our argument . those gentlemen that are conversant in the ancient fables of the poets will tell you that venus , one of the goddesses that presided over matrimony , had a girdle or cestos , made for her by vulcan's skill , in which were all the bewitching ingredients and charms of love , and that she constantly put this on , whenever she went to bed to her husband . xan. what makes you tell such an old fashion'd fable as this ? eu. right , but pray will you hear the moral of it ? xan. i listen to you . eu. it teaches us this useful lesson ; that a wife shou'd make it her chief business , in the payment of the nuptial tribute , to be as agreeable and engaging as she can ; for , let your grave persons say what they will , the affair we have been talking of is not only the chief preservative to keep love alive when he begins to languish , but likewise is the most effectual peace-maker . xan. well , but where can we furnish our selves with so necessary an utensil as this cestos was ? eu. there 's no need of witchcrafts and spells to procure one . the most powerful spell in the world is virtue joyn'd with a sweetness of disposition , xan. i can never bring my self to humour so incurable a sot as my husband is . eu. however , 't is your interest you must own , that he were another sort of a creature . suppose now you had circe's magical secret , and cou'd turn your husband from a man into a bear or a hog ; wou'd you do it ? xan. faith i can't tell whether i should or no. eu. can't you tell say you ? pray let me ask you then one question more . wou'd you rather have your husband a hog than a man ? xan. no truly . i am for a man still . eu. to proceed . suppose you had one of circe's charms by which you cou'd make him a sober man of a drunkard , a frugal man of a spend-thrift , an industrious man of a loyterer ; wou'd not you put your charm in execution ? xan. without doubt . but where shou'd i meet with such a charm as you talk off . eu. you carry it about you , if you wou'd but make a right use of it . whether you are willing or no , he must be your husband to the end of the chapter , and the better man you make him , the more you consult your own particular advantage . but the mischief on 't is , that you only keep your eyes fixt upon his faults , and those create your aversion to him , whereas you ought to look upon his good qualities only , and to take him , as the saying is , by the right handle . you ought to have considered all his defects long ago , before you married him ; and indeed , a discreet woman shou'd not choose her husband only by her eyes , but take the advice of her ears . all you can do now is to use anodynes , and not to apply corrosives . xan. but what woman pray now ever consulted her ears in the choice of a husband ? eu. she may be properly said to choose her husband by her eyes , who minds nothing but his person and bare outside , as she may be said to choose him by her ears , who carefully observes what reputation he has in the world , and what people say of him . xan. this is good advice , but it comes somewhat of the latest . eu. but give me leave to tell you 't is not too late to endeavour the cure of your husband . it will be no small step towards the effecting of this , if you cou'd have any children by him . xan. oh i have had one long ago . eu. what do you mean ? how long ago ? xan. why about seven months ago . eu. what 's this i hear ? you put me in mind of the woman that married , conceived , and was delivered in the space of three months . xan. i see no reason for that . eu. but so do i , if we reckon from the day of marriage . xan. ay but i had some private discourse with my good man before the priest joyn'd our hands . eu. why , will barely discoursing beget children ? xan. by chance he got me into a room by myself , and began to play and toy with me , tickling me about the arm-pits , and small of the back to make me laugh . i not able to bear being tickled any longer , threw my self flat upon the bed , and he flinging himself upon me , kiss'd me and hugg'd me . i was in such a confusion , that i don't know what he did to me besides , but this i am certain of , that within a few days my belly began to swell . eu. and are not you a fine woman now to rail at this husband , who if he can get children when he 's only in jest , what will he do , think ye , when he falls to 't in earnest ? xa . i suspect that now i am with child by him again . eu. mercy on us ! why here 's a good fruitful soil , and a lusty ploughman to till it . xan. nay , to do the devil justice , he 's more a man for this sport than i cou'd wish he was . eu. speak softly . not one woman in a thousand has this complaint to make . but i suppose you were contracted to one another before this happen'd . xan. you are in the right on 't . eu. it makes the sin so much less . but was it a boy or a girl ? xan. a boy . eu. so much the better for you . this pledge of your first affections will , i make no question on 't , set you both at rights , if you , my dear friend , will but lend your helping hand a little to so good a work. by the by , let me ask you what sort of a character do your husband's companions give him ? and how is he respected by them ? xan. they all of them agree , that he 's as easie a man in conversation , as generous , and as ready to do any good offices , as ever lived . eu. better and better still . this gives me great hopes to believe that we shall manage him to your heart 's content . xan. here 's the misfortune , that i am the only person in the world he shows himself ill-natur'd to . eu. do but put the rules i gave you in practice , and i here freely give you leave to say all the malicious things you can of me , if you don't find him much alter'd for the better . besides , i wou'd have you consider that he 's but a young fellow yet ; for , as i take it , he is not above twenty four years old , and does not know yet what it is to be the master of a family . as for a divorce , i wou'd advise you never to think of it . xan. i have had it frequently in my thoughts . eu. but when it comes next into your head , pray do your self the favour to reflect what a foolish insignificant figure a woman makes when she is parted from her husband . the principal recommendation of a matron , is , that she is dutiful and obedient to her spouse . this language nature dictates to us ; this we are taught in the bible ; this the universal agreement of all ages and nations tells us , that a woman shou'd be subject to her husband . therefore seriously think of this matter , and put the case exactly as it stands . he is your lawful husband , and so long as he lives ; 't is impossible for you to have another . then let the infant who belongs in common to youboth , be put in the ballance . now pray tell me how you wou'd dispose of him ? if you carry him away with you , you defraud your husband of what is his own , and if you leave him with him , you deprive your self of that which ought to be as dear to you as your life . in the last place i desire to be informed whether any of your relations wish you ill ? xan. i have to my sorrow a step mother and a mother-in-law as like her as may be . eu. and are you not beloved by them ? xan. so far from that , that they 'd rejoyce with all their heart to see me in my grave . eu. why then i wou'd entreat you to think of them likewise . what more acceptable piece of service can you possibly do them , than to let them see you separated from your husband , and become a widow of your own making ? what did i say a widow ? nay , to live ten times more miserably than any widow ; for , one in that condition you know is at liberty to marry whom she pleases . xan. i must own indeed that i approve of your advice , but i can never endure to be a perpetual slave . eu. if that is all , pray do but consider what pains you took before you cou'd make that parrot there talk and prattle to you . xan. a great deal , i confess . eu. and can you then think it much to bestow a little labour and time to mould your husband to your own liking , with whom you must live the remainder of your days ? what a world of trouble do your grooms undergo to bask a horse and make him tractable , and can a prudent woman grudge a little application and diligence to see if she can reduce her husband to a more agreeable temper ? xan. why , what wou'd you have me do ? eu. i have already told you . take care that every thing at home be cleanly and decent , so that nothing may disgust him there , and oblige him to ramble abroad . behave your self easy and free to him , but at the same time never forget that respect which a wife indispensibly ows to her husband . let melancholy be banished out of your doors , and likewise an impertinent ill-affected gayety ; neither be foolishly morose , nor unseasonably frolicksome . let your table be well furnished and handsome . you know your husband's palat without question , therefore always provide him what he has most a fancy to . this is not all , i wou'd have you show your self affable and courteous to all his acquaintance , and frequently invite them to dine with you . when you sit down to table , let nothing but chearfulness and mirth appear ; and if at any time your husband comes home a little in his liquor , and falls a playing on his violin , do you bear your part in the consort and sing to it . by this means you 'll in a little time accustom your husband to keep at home , and lessen his expences ; for 't is natural to believe that at last he 'll thus reason with himself . why , what a foolish coxcomb am i to sot at the tavern , and keep company with a nasty harlot abroad , to the apparent prejudice of my reputation and estate , when i have a wife at home who is infinitely more obliging and beautiful , and makes so much of me ? xan. but do you believe i shall succeed if i try ? eu. look stedfastly upon me . i engage that you will. in the mean time i will take a proper occasion to discourse matters with your husband , and put him in mind of his own duty . xan. i like your design well enough , but you must take care that he shan't know a syllable of what has past between us : if ever this dialogue shou'd reach his ears , he wou'd throw the house out at the windows . eu. never fear it . i will so order the conversation , by winding and turning him , that he himself shall tell me what quarrels have happen'd betwixt you . upon this let me alone to address my self to him in the most engaging manner i am mistress off , and i hope to send him home to you in a much better temper than i found him . i will likewise take occasion to tell a lye or two in your favour , and let him know how lovingly and respectfully i have heard you talk of him . xan. well , heaven prosper both our undertakings . eu. i don 't at all question it , provided you are not wanting to your self . the assembly of women , or , the female parliament . col . vii . a parcel of merry ladies meet together , and consult of the most effectual methods how to regulate all matters relating to the female sex. the rules and orders that are to be observed in the summoning and holding of their parliaments , and what abuses chiefly deserve to be reformed . cornelia . margaret . perotte . julia. catherine . corn . in the name of multiplication and increase , amen . 't is no small satisfaction to me , ladies , to see so large and numerous an assembly of you here , and i heartily wish that heaven will inspire every individual woman in this convention , with such dispositions as will make us act for the common advantage and reputation of our whole sex. you cannot but be sensible , ladies , what a terrible prejudice our affairs have received in this respect , that while the men have had their parliaments and daily meetings all along , to debate and consider of ways and means , how best to promote and carry on their own interest ; we forsooth must be sitting hum drum by the fire-side , employ'd in the noble and antient exercise of spinning , and as a modern poet expresses it , spending our nature on our thumb . 't is no wonder therefore if our affairs lie at sixes and sevens , if we have not the least footsteps of government , or good order left among us , and to say all in a word , if the world ranks us in the same predicament with beasts , and will not allow us the title of rational creatures . unless we resolve to take other methods for the future , the most ignorant of us , may without the spirit of prophecy pretend to foretel what will become of us in a short time . for my part , i am afraid to utter it , or be the harbinger of ill news . however , tho' we take no care at all of our dignity , yet give me leave to tell you , we ought to have some regard to our safety . the wisest monarch in the world , by the same token that he owed no little part of his wisdom to his frequent conversing with us women , has left it in writing , that in the multitude of counsellors is much safety . your bishops have their synods , your cathedrals their chapters , your soldiers their councils of war , nay , those unharmonious raskals , those retainers to hopkins and sternhold , the parish-clerks have their hall to meet in . in short , your butchers , your physicians , your brewers , your vintners , and ( with reverence be it spoken ) your very shop-lifters and pick-pockets , have their several assemblies or clubs to settle the affairs of their several fraternities in . if this is not sufficient , your birds and beasts have their particular places and seasons of meeting , but women , that strange prodigious creature , woman is the only animal in the world which is against meeting of members . mar. i am afraid you are out madam , for malicious people say that we are oftner for it than we should . corn. who is it that interrupts the court there . give me leave , ladies and gentlewomen , to conclude my speech , and then you shall all talk in your turn . neither is this meeting of ours a new unpresidented thing , without warrant or authority ; for if my chronology does not fail me , that most accomplished and excellent emperor heliogabalus of blessed memory — p . how most accomplish'd and excellent ▪ i beseech you , when history tells us that the mobb knocked his brains out , that he was dragg'd up and down the streets , and at last thrown into the common iakes . cor. what! interrupted again ? but neighbour , if such an argument will hold water , it will follow , that half the saints in the kalendar were but so , so , because they came to the gallows , and that oliver cromwel was a virtuous person , because he died in his bed. the worst thing that was ever objected to heliogabalus by his greatest enemies , was his flinging down the idolatrous fire , which was kept by the vestal virgins , for which old fox wou'd have registred him among his protestant martyrs , and his * hanging up the pictures of moses and christ in his private chappel , which i hope will not rise up in iudgment against him in this christian assembly . let me inform you en passant , ladies , that those villains the heathens , as my authors tell me , ( and i thought it wou'd not be amiss to communicate such a nice observation to this house ) used to call our saviour chrestus , and not christus , by way of contempt and derision , which is the opinion of agathocles , dionysius , who for his great skill in the oriental languages was sir-named halicarnesseus , laurentius valla , fabius maximus , anacharsis and several other divines of the reformed perswasion . but to return to the argument in hand ; for a woman ought to make the most of her argument in hand , this most discreet and profound governor heliogabalus issued out a proclamation , or edict to this effect , that as the emperors used to convene the senators in the senate-house , and there to debate of all emergencies relating to the state , so his mother augusta shou'd summon the women from all parts of the city , to assemble in a place by themselves , there to regulate those affairs wherein the female-sex was any ways concern'd . and this convention the men , either out of drollery , or for distinction , call'd the senatulus , or little senate . this noble president , which by the fatal negligence of our ancestors has been intermitted for so many hundred years , the present situation of our affairs obliges us to revive ; and let none in this company have any scruple upon their gizzard , because the apostle forbids women to talk in that assembly , which he calls the church ; for it is evident that st. paul there speaks of assemblies of men , whereas ours is an assemblies of women . otherwise if poor women must always be silent , for what end and purpose did providence bestow upon us this voluble member , call'd a tongue , in which talent we don't come short of the men , and why did it give us a pipe , no less intelligible and loud than theirs ? now my hand is in , i cannot help saying that ours is all harmony and musick , whereas they either grunt like hoggs , or bray like asses . but to proceed , we ought in the first place to manage all our debates with that gravity and circumspection , that the men may not have the least pretence to make them the subject of their coffee-house-raillery , to which ill-natured mirth you know they are but too much inclined of themselves ; although i think i may safely say , that if one wou'd seriously examin their councils and synods , their assemblies and parliaments , we should find more frivolous and impertinent controversies in them , that a congregation of fish-women at billingsgate wou'd be guilty of . for example , we still see that monarchs for so many ages have busied themselves in nothing but dull cutting of throats , for which important services the world stiles them heroes and deliverers . we find that the clergy and the laity are still at perpetual daggers-drawing with one another , that there are as many opinions , as there are noses in the world , and in all the whole course of their proceedings , they show ten times more inconstancy than we women ever discovered . this city everlastingly quarrels with that city , and one neighbour treads upon his next neighbours corns . if the supreme administration were intrusted in our hands , with all due submission be it be spoken , i believe the world wou'd be managed at a much better rate than now it is . perhaps it may not become our female modesty to charge these noble peers and iudges , these knights and burgesses with folly , but i suppose i may be safely allowed to recite what solomon has asserted in the thirteenth chapter of the proverbs , there is always strife among the proud , but they that do every thing with counsel , are governed by wisdom . but not to detain you with too tedious a preamble , to the end that all things here may be carried on decently , and without confusion , it will be necessary in the first place to determin , who shall be qualified to sit as members in this house ; for as too much company will make it look more like the mobb , or a ryot , than a grave assembly ; so if we take in too few , the world will charge us with setting up a tyrannical government . for my part , i move this honourable house , that no virgin be capable of sitting among us , and my reason is , because many things may happen to be debated here , which it is not proper for them to hear . iu. well! but how shall we be able to know who are virgins , and who are not . i suppose you will not allow all to be such , who take the name upon them . corn. no , but my meaning is that none but married women be permitted to vote among us . iu. why , i cou'd name to you several married women , who thanks to those impotent fumblers their husbands , are as good virgins now , as when they first came into the world. there 's my lady — corn. hold , but in respect to the holy state of matrimony , let us charitably suppose all married wives to be women . iu. under favor , if we exclude none but virgins , we shall still be over-run with multitudes . the maidens , let me tell you are scarce one to a hundred . corn. well then , we 'll exclude those likewise that have been married more than thrice , iu. for what reason , i beseech you . corn. because they ought to have their quietus est , as being superannuated , and so forth . i think too we ought to pass the same sentence upon such as are above seventy . but i conceive it ought to be resolved nemine contradicente ; that no woman shall presume to make too free with her husband , or to lay open all his faults . it may be allowed her to hint her ill usage in general terms ; but then it must be done with discretion , brevity , and good manners ; and she shall by no means be allowed to indulge her itch of pratling . ca. but pray madam why should not we be allowed to talk freely of the men , since they make no scruple of saying what they please of their wives . you know the proverb , what is sawce for a goose , is sawce for a gander . my lord and husband , i thank him for 't , when ever he has a mind to divert his lewd companions at the tavern , acquaints them with all the secrets of the family , tells 'em every word i said to him , and how often he mounts the guard anights , as he calls it , tho he 's most plaguyly given to lying , when he 's upon the last strain . corn. if we must speak the truth , our reputation wholly depends upon that of the men ; so if we expose them as weak and scandalous , we must of course be so our selves . 't is true , we have too many just complaints to make against them , however when all things are fairly considered , i am of the opinion that our condition is much preferable to theirs . they cross the line and double the cape , and , in short , scamper from pole to pole to maintain their families ; then in time of war , they lye upon the bare ground , march through thick and thin , stand buff to all sorts of weather , eat , and drink , and sleep in armour heavy enough to load a camel , and venture their lives all hours of the day , while we sit snugg at home , and enjoy our selves comfortably . if they happen to be caught napping or so , the law shows 'em no favour , while a poor woman is often excused upon the frailty of her sex. after all , i 'll venture to say , that generally speaking , it lyes in a woman's power to make her husband what sort of a man she pleases . but 't is high time now ladies to adjust all differences about precedence and taking of places , least that should happen to us which frequently falls out at your treaties of peace , where the ambassadors and plenipotentiaries of kings and popes squabble away three months at least in punctilio's and ceremony , before they can sit down to business . therefore it is my opinion , that peeresses only sit in the first bench , and they shall take their places according to the antiquity of their families , or their age , but i think the latter will be best . the next bench shall be of the commons , and those shall sit in the foremost places that have had most children ; between those that have had the same number of children , age shall decide the difference . lastly , those that were never brought to bed shall sit in the third row. as for by-blows , vulgarly call'd bastards , they shall take place according to their quality , but shall sit at the lowest end of the row , which belongs to them . ca. where do you intend to place the widows ? corn. well remembred . they shall have a place assign'd them in the middle of the mothers , if they have children living , or ever had any . the barren must e'en be content to sit at the fagg-end of this company . iu. well! but what place do you design for the wives of priests and monks ? corn. we will consider of that matter at our next meeting . iu. what will you say to those industrious gentlewomen , that get their living by the sweat of their brows ? corn. oh mention them not . we 'll never suffer our assembly to be prophan'd with the company of such abandon'd wretches . iu. i hope tho you 'll allow better quarter to misses of quality ? corn. we will think of them some other time . before we proceed any further , we ought first to agree how we shall give our votes , whether by lifting up our hands , or by word of mouth , or by the noes removing from their seats , or by balloting , and so forth . ca. i fear me there may be some trick in balloting , and then our pettycoats draggle upon the ground so , that if we must remove from our places , we shall raise such a dust i warrant you , that no body will be able to endure the room . therefore i think it will be the best way for every member of this honourable house to deliver her vote vivâ voce . corn. there will be some difficulty , let me tell you , in gathering the votes ; besides i am afraid that according to the old jest our parliamentum will be a lar amentium . ca. we 'll have so many notaries to take the votes , that it shall be impossible to make any blunders . corn. that course indeed will prevent mistakes in numbering , but how will you provide against squabbling ? ca. let it be enacted that no body shall speak but in her turn , or when she 's asked . she that does otherwise shall be expell'd the house : and if any one shall be found relling tales out of school , that is to say , pratling of any thing which is transacted within these walls , she shall incur the penalty of a three day's silence . corn. thus ladies we have adjusted all punctilio's relating to this affair . let us next consider what things we shall debate about . every member here , i presume , will agree with me , that we ought in the first place to have a due regard to our honour , and honour all the world knows is chiefly supported by what we call habit or dress . in which respect we have been so shamefully neglective and deficient for some years last past , that 't is almost impossible by the outside to know a dutchess from a kitchin wench , a married woman or a widow from a virgin , and a matron from a common whore. all the ancient bounds of modesty have been so impudently transgressed that every one wears what apparel seems best in her own eyes . at church and at play-house , in city and country you may see a thousand women of indifferent , if not sordid extraction , swaggering it abroad in silks and velvets , in damask and brocard , in gold and silver , in ermines and sable-tippets , while their husbands perhaps are stitching grubstreet pamphlets , copying noverint universi's , or cobbling of shooes at home . their fingers are loaded with diamonds and rubies , for turkey stones are now a days despised been by chimny-sweeper's wives . not to tire my lungs with speaking of their pearl or amber necklaces , the gold watch dangling by their sides , their massy fringed pettycoats , the flaunting steen-kirk about their necks , their laced shooes , and gigantic commodes . it was thought enough for your ordinary women in the last age , that they were allowed the mighty privilege to wear a silk girdle , and to set off the borders of their woolen petticoats with an edging of silk . but now , and i can hardly forbear weeping at the thoughts of it , this worshipful custom is quite out of doors ; upon which two great inconveniencies have arisen ; for the wives by indulging this prodigal humour have made their husbands as poor as so many church-mice , and that laudable distinction which is the very soul and life of quality is totally abolished . if your tallow-chandlers , vintners , and other tradesmen's wives flaunt it in a chariot and four , what shall your marchionesses or countesses do i wonder ? and if a country squire 's spouse will have a train after her breech full fifteen ells long , pray what shift must a princess make to distinguish her self ? what makes this ten times worse than otherwise it would be , we are never constant to one dress , but are as fickle and uncertain as weather cocks , or the men that preach under them . formerly our head-tire was stretcht out upon wires , and mounted like a barbers pole ; women of condition thinking to distinguish themselves from the ordinary sort by this dress . nay , to make the difference still more visible , they wore caps of ermin powder'd , but they were mistaken in their politics , for the citts soon got them . then they trumpt up another mode , and black quoifs came into play : but the ladies within ludgate not only aped them in this fashion , but added thereto a gold embroidery and iewels . formerly the court dames took a great deal of pains in combing up their hair from their foreheads and temples to make a tower , but they were soon weary of that , for it was not long before this fashion too was got into cheap-side . after this they let their hair fall loose about their forehead , but the city gossips soon follow'd them in that . heretofore , only women of the greatest figure had their pages , and gentlemen-vshers , and out of these last they chose a pretty smock-faced young fellow to take ' emby the hand when they arose from their chairs , or to support their left arm when they walk'd ; neither was every one capable of this honour , but one that was a gentleman's son , and well descended . but now , the more is the shame , women of inferiour rank not only take this upon 'em , but suffer any body to do this office , as likewise to carry their train . these are not all the innovations that have been made ; for whereas in the primitive times , none but persons of high extraction saluted one another with a kiss , now every greasy raskall of a shop-keeper , tho he stinks worse than a fat tallow chandler does in the dog-days , if he 's got ten miles out of town , burlesqued in a silver hilted sword and a long periwig , will pretend to salute the best lady in the land. even in their marriages , where one wou'd think they should take more care , no respect is had to honour or quality . noblemens daughters marry to tradesmens sons , and the squab issue of a shop-keeper , if she has but store of money , is thought a morsel tempting enough for a duke's eldest son to leap at . by this means the next age will be plagu'd with such a generation of mungrils , that they must be forced to knock the heralds in the head , least they should reproach them with our ancestors . to proceed with other grievances , there is never a dowdy about the town i warrant you , tho begotten upon a bulk , and born in a garret , that , if her pocket would give her leave , would scruple to trick and spruce her vile phyz with the richest paint that your persons of the highest quality use ; when ordinary women ought to thank god , if the government where they live will allow 'em to revive the decay'd red and white in their cheeks with raddle and chalk , or some such cheap restorers . but as for the countess of kent's cosmetick water , your fine spanish washes , and italian paints , they ought to be used by none but by ladies of the first rank . to come now to the boxes , the park , and public entertainments , good lord , what a horrid disorder and confusion is there to be seen ? you shall frequently see an alderman's wife refuse to give the place to a baronet's lady . thus 't is plain , that the present posture of our affairs advises us to think of putting a stop to these growing disorders ; and what may encourage us to proceed , these things naturally belong to us , and therefore will be transacted with the greatest ease . not but that we have some affairs to setle with the men too , who exclude us from all offices of the state , and while they treat us no better than cooks , and landresses , monopolize all employments and live at discretion . for my part i give them leave to fill up all robust employments , and to manage military concerns . but i appeal to the whole world , whither it is not a most insufferable thing , that the wife's coat of arms should be always painted on the left side of the escutcheon , altho her family is thrice as honourable as that of her husband ? then i think there 's all the reason in the world that the mother's consent should be asked in the putting out of the children . perhaps too we may manage our cards with that address as to be admitted to a share in all peaceable places of trust ; i mean those , that may be managed at home , that require no attendance in foreign countries , or one of the military character to discharge them . these are some of the chief heads , which i suppose deserve to be taken into consideration . let every member of this honourable assembly think of them seriously , and prepare them against our next session ; and if any thing else worthy of your notice occurs to you , i hope you will communicate it to morrow , for in my opinion it will be necessary that we meet every day , till we have adjusted all affairs . we ought to have four notaries chosen out of four presbyterian parson's wives , to take down in short-hand all our speeches ; and four chairwomen of our four committees , who shall give people leave to speak their minds , or enjoyn them silence , according as they see convenient : and let this meeting of ours be a sample of the following ones , and give the world a tast what may be expected hereafter from us . finis . notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a -e * 't is not to be denied but that erasmus was a bastard , but his enemies have published some invidious circumstances about his birth , that are false ; as for instance , that his father was parson of tergou when he begot him . pontus heuterus calls him by the same error fils de prêtre . father theophile raynaud has this pleasant passage . if , says he , one may be allow'd to droll upon a man , that droll'd upon all the world , erasmus though he was not the son of a king , yet he was the son of a crown'd head , meaning a priest ; but 't is plain his father was not in orders at that time . * so says the life with erasmo auctore before it , but 't is most certainly a mistake , for printing was found out in the year . which was at least years before this , but perhaps he means , that tho' the invention was known it was not commonly used . * there is an ill-grounded tradition in holland , that erasmus was a dull boy and slow to learn , which if it were true would be no dishonour to him , no more than it is to thomas aquinas or suarez , of whom the same thing is reported , but monsieur bale has shown the vanity of this story . vie d' erasme . * moreri in his dictionary pretends that he took the habit of a canon regular of st. austin in this monastery ; but 't is a mistake . guy patin fell into a contrary errour , when he said that he never was a monk for erasmus ; ownt it not only in his life written by himsef , but likewise in a letter to lambert grunnius . a epist. . l . b epist. . . . c epist. . l. . d epist. . l : . e epist. . l. . * he was particularly acquainted with sir tho. mors. colet dean of pauls ; grocinus , linscar , laeimer , &c. and pass'd some years in cambridge . * the author of les delices d'hollande , speaking of rotterdam , says , that erasmusy nasquit l'an , & mourut à fribourg en alsace , which latter is false ; for 't is certain he died in basil . * see dr. bently's preface to his answer to mr. boyle . p. . * see dr. bently's preface , p. . * epist. . l. . * lubricitas . ibid. p. . notes for div a -e * lampridius ascribes this to alexander severus . but erasmus i suppose made his learned lady here commit this mistake designedly , and i have carried on the humor a little further . the late converts exposed, or, the reasons of mr. bays's changing his religion considered in a dialogue : part the second : with reflections on the life of st. xavier, don sebastian king of portugal, as also the fable of the bat and the birds. brown, thomas, - . approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : - (eebo-tcp phase ). a wing b estc r ocm this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) the late converts exposed, or, the reasons of mr. bays's changing his religion considered in a dialogue : part the second : with reflections on the life of st. xavier, don sebastian king of portugal, as also the fable of the bat and the birds. brown, thomas, - . [ ], p. printed for thomas bennet ..., london : . pt. was previously published as: the reasons of mr. bays changing his religion. london, . pt. was published as: the reasons of mr. joseph hains, the player's conversion and re-conversion. . satire by thomas brown on dryden's conversion. cf. dnb. "licensed, january , " advertisement: p. . reproduction of original in huntington library. created by converting tcp files to tei p using tcp tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between and available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the , texts created during phase of the project have been released into the public domain as of january . anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. % (or pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf- unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p , characters represented either as utf- unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng dryden, john, - . - tcp assigned for keying and markup - spi global keyed and coded from proquest page images - john latta sampled and proofread - john latta text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion the late converts exposed : or the reasons of mr. bays's changing his religion considered in a dialogue . part the second . with reflections on the life of st. xavier . don sebastian king of portugal . as also the fable of the bat and the birds . parcite oves nimiù● procedere , non benè ripae creditur , ipse aries etiam nunc vellera siccat . virg. ecl. . rode caper vitem , tamen hinc cum stabis ad aram , in tua quod fundi cornua possit , erit . ovid. fast. licensed , ianuary . . london , printed for thomas bennet , at the sign of the half-moon in st. paul's church-yard . . the reader may be pleased to observe , that most of the following sheets were written in the late reign , and then designed to be published : but the author , who had promised to make a sacrifice of mr. bays yearly , did not think there lay any great obligation upon him , to sacrifice himself , and an honest bookseller , to the indignation of mr. hills of pious memory . he has been since prevailed upon , at the intreaty of some friends , to alter the dialogue where he saw convenient , and so to print it : for doing which , he has not the vanity to imagine the reader will thank him , because it comes out so very unseasonably ; only he presumes mr. bays and mr. t-ns-n will be sensible of the kindness , since it may help to revive a certain remarkable poem , which might otherwise have been forgotten . preface to mr. bays . i make bold to dedicate the following dialogue to your self ; for who can pretend a better right to the entertainment , than he that has furnish'd out the better part of it at his own expence ? they are your own arguments , only for the present occasion untagg'd , and divested of their dearly beloved rhime , and you are too much a gentleman i know , mr. bays , to quarrel with me for so doing : you that have so often disguised the thoughts of other authors , by altering the property , and putting them into metre , cannot in honour or iustice quarrel with your humble servant , for taking the liberty to turn some of your own poetry into prose . the truth on 't is , such pretty reasonings , for their own safety , ought no more to visit the world out of the livery of verse , than a bully of alsatia to walk the streets on any other day but a sunday ; 't is a garb that becomes them so extreamly well , that methinks 't is as much pity they should ever be forced to part with it , as for an actress that becomes her play-house habit , and charms half the town by candle-light , to be surprized in her ordinary dress , dans une brillante assemblée . and so far , mr. bays , all the world is obliged to justifie you ; i don't mean for changing your religion , but for defending it with the most plausible arms , that can be employed in its service . you know the criticks of all ages have fallen very severely upon lucan , for treating a true history in verse , and if that reason hold , i think your divines ought , every mother's son of them , to be condemned , for treating a poetical subject ( as i look upon the whole body of your italian theology to be ) in prose . and now , worthy sir , to perform my promise to the world , which every honest man is bound to do , i here sacrifice your hind and panther once more , to the memory of mr. quarles , and john bunyan ; which oblation , i hope , will become the more pleasing and acceptable , through the merits and intercession of mr. sh-dw-ll , mr. s-ttle , mr. n-rris , mr. cr-ch , mr. d-rfy , dr. beest-n , and all the rest of your fellow poets in christendom . i must confess , mr. bays , that some years ago , i little imagined that i should ever have the opportunity of contesting with you upon this score ; if your christian mercury could have settled long in any communion , i durst have sworn the established church could have made the justest pretensions to you ; and as long as so good a pledge as the religio laici continued in our hands , i flatter'd my self , that you durst no more revolt to the other party , than a king of england durst make a descent into france , that had pawn'd his prince of wales to the society at paris . but this it seems is an age of miracles . who could expect to see the difference made up between the observator , and the late occurrencer ? or that those two everlasting adversaries , who one would have thought , like two parallel lines , if they had been drawn out till doomsday , could never have met , should lay aside old grudges , and write for a toleration ? who could imagine that the fanaticks , who had hitherto oppos'd the iust rights of princes , would on the sudden offer incense to the dispensing power , and pimp to the prerogative ? or while so many refugees came daily over to us from france , that your party could have the assurance here to disown the spirit of persecution . who could ever hope , till the re-converted mr. sclater showed them the way , that the jews wou'd take up the cudgels for transubstantiation , or that those nice humoursome gentlemen , that all along expected to find their messias under a royal character , wou'd now be content to acknowledge him disguised in a wafer ? who could believe , till the bishop of meaux had satisfied the world as to that particular , that a corporal presence was a received principle of all the reformed churches ? this policy , i must needs say it , was refined enough , and i suppose , mr. bays , your church-men borrowed it of the venetians , who love dearly to sit idle at home , and fight out their battels by foreigners . when you had once proved that the jews and protestants belonged to your communion , there was no question to be made , but that the turks and pagans must fall in of course to uphold your universality , just as whole provinces and towns in flanders , used to drop into grand's chamber of dependancies . lastly , to compleat our astonishment ( for the greatest prodigy is still behind ) what mortal man in the three kingdoms , could dream that mr. bays , the poet , would renounce the devil and all his works , would condescend to think of saving his precious soul , and espouse the catholick cause , that he had so often ridicul'd and banter'd upon the theatre ? far be it from me , my most noble play-wright , to speak this with a design to blame you , for justifying your church in verse ; for , as you may well remember , i have commended you for using that conduct . no , no , honest mr. bays , like tullie's fiddler , that defined the soul to be harmony , so you in like manner , when you wrote the hind and panther , ab arte tua non recessisti , you never flinch'd from your old profession ; and let the ill-natured world say what it will , i am still ready to maintain , that your above-mentioned immortal piece of controversie , is but the second part to your essay upon dramatick poetry . indeed , as sir roger l'estrange in his history of the late times , has judiciously observed , that murder is of no religion : so i was in good hopes that false dealing and dissimulation were of no religion ; but a little experience in the world , and the first year of the late reign sufficiently convinced me of the contrary . we were from all quarters arraign'd for mis-representing your church , when no body , as i know of , was guilty of that crime , but only your selves . to say the truth , popery is like some sort of painting , which is to be view'd at a convenient distance , and by an ill light , for otherwise the courseness of the colours will appear too visible ; and upon that score , it must be acknowledg'd your missionaires lay under a temptation to palliate some of the grosser doctrines ; but i question whether that way of proceeding did not do you a more sensible disadvantage than you were aware of . your predecessors , i am sure , though they lay under the same inconveniences , managed the cause with more sincerity , they argued like gentlemen of honour , and maintained all the controverted points as long as they were tenable : at last when they were beaten out of the field , they entrenched themselves behind an ecclesiastical mud-wall of fathers and councils , and contented themselves , as well as they could , with the churches infallibility . they had the charity to believe , that most of their adversaries could write , and read , that some of them had travelled abroad , and now and then for curiosity peeped into a popish chappel , and therefore thought it an ill advised policy to deny those practises that were too notorious to be disowned , but generously endeavoured to defend them . whereas the modern polemics , as if they had fallen amongst a herd of meer indians , that had never conversed with the rest of mankind , were for putting the most intollerable shams in the world. your religion was unpalatable enough of all conscience , before these spiritual pioneers undertook the handling of it , but their awkward management made it a thousand times worse than ever . transubstantiation of it self , the lord knows , is a very mortifying , self denying doctrine ; but two czars , and two transubstantiations are one too many for a town , or a church ; and to oblige us to renounce our reason and senses , almost in every other doctrine , as well as that , was an insupportable presumption . we were told , mr. bays , you never made any formal addresses to the saints , to the utter confusion of the breviaries , and the missal ; and if they had told us at the same time , that the fanatics never made any formal addresses to k. james for his charitable indulgence , we could not tell how to help our selves ; we were informed that the deposing doctrine was no principle of your church , to the everlasting shame of the la●eran council ; that only a civil respect was paid to images and reliques , that cutting of throats for the score of religion was a great sin , that the scripture was no dumb letter , no weathercock , nor nose of wax as was formerly given out , with abundance more of such pretty tenets , for which many an honest heretic has had his tabernacle carbonadoed beyond sea. a certain worthy author , supposed to be georgius barzon , the titular bishop of waradin , in a treatise which he dedicated to the emperour some twelve years ago , tells him , that he was no longer oblig'd to tolerate the lutherans in hungary , because tho he had sworn to make no invasions upon the augustan confession ; yet he was at large now whether he would observe his oath or no ; since the protestants had departed in several particulars ( which he there mentions ) from that confession . after this followed , as all the world knows , one of the bloodiest scenes that ever that country saw ; which whether it were owing to this incendiaries sophistry i cannot tell , but any one may see he was a well-wisher to the design . now if we , mr. bays , had been so malicious as to have trumped the same card upon your priests , writ a letter to the pope , and told him , worthy sir , whereas certain persons , here in the kingdom of england , who pretend themselves to be true catholics , have shamefully denied and misrepresented most of the established doctrines of your church ; have discarded your deposing power ; and made you dwindle from the universal bishop into the western patriarch : nay and to do greater affronts to your unerring person , have acquainted all his majesty's subjects , that you eat and drink just for all the world like other men , and keep a close stool too for your private occasions , nothing of which we could have believed before : this is to acquaint your infallibility with their names and offences , that you may reduce them to their duty in time , for we are afraid , if they continue still to make the same advances into heresie , as they began , that they 'l every man of them turn protestants , before the year 's ended , and so become chargeable to the parishes , where they live . had we done this , mr. bays , as you know we had reason enough to do it , i dare not take upon me to conjecture , what had been the event ; whether immuring between four walls , or a pilgrimage to lapland , or their ecclesiastical livery pull'd over their ears , but certain i am , that he had disown'd them for his sons , as heartily , as a former pope disowned a certain french bishop , that was sent to him in his military habit. as i was a saying before , mr. bays , your predecessors managed the controversie much more like gentlemen , than those that pretended to manage it after them in the late reign . if they palmed any spurious fathers upon us , it is to be considered , that such artifices were the ancient laudable practice of their church , witness constantine's charter , and the forgery of the nicene canons ; that they found them ready cut and dried to their hands , and so drew them out of the papal armory , to support a declining cause , that could not otherwise subsist ; and how far this policy is allowable in a state of war , i leave it for the casuists to judge . after all . forgery it self , as odious and despicable as it looks , is not in my opinion half so black a crime , as down-right lying , as you know , mr. bays , counterfeiting another mans hand is nothing near so bad , as denying his own : there is some art and dexterity required in the one , but there is nothing but barefaced impudence , or cowardise in the other . he that puts false dice upon me at play , will be reckned ( as the world goes now adays ) an expert gamester , and i only to be blamed , that would suffer my self to be so imposed upon ; but he that shall tell me seven and four is not eleven , or that a deuce is a cinque , is to be used after another manner . therefore i could methinks willingly excuse your ancestors , who conjured up some supposititious authors to defend the principles of their church , ( because it had been our fault , if we had not discoverd the trick ) but i shall never forgive those everlasting blockheads , that disowned most of the doctrines of their religion , all the while they were a practising them within doors . if it had been my fortune , mr. bays , to have been in company with the author of the nubes testium , or the speculum ecclesiasticum , i promise you , upon the word of a young author , that hopes to flourish in this wicked world , i had not fallen into the least passion or fury , but only offered them a little sober advice : pray good gentlemen , don't squander away the poor patrimony of the church after so profuse a manner ; take some mercy of your fathers , and don 't set them all upon one single throw ; consider how many hundred years they have been a gathering for you , use your fathers frugally and discreetly , do you think their keeping has cost the pope nothing all this while ? let st. ierome and st. austin come on to day , and bring st. ambrose , and honest st. bernard , into the field to morrow . take a friends counsel , gentlemen , and never hazard all upon one chance : alas ! he that throws away his fathers extravagantly , was never at the pains of collecting them himself ; as we say , that aldermans son that makes ducks and drakes with his money , never knew the trouble of getting it ; and therefore , good gentlemen , pray don't make ducks and drakes with your fathers . this is all , mr. bays , i assure you , that i should have said to them , but if i had met with the bishop of meaux , or any of the misrepresenters that copied from him , i don't know how far my resentments might have carried me . we have all the reason in the world , mr. bays , to thank our stars , that your divines in the late reign proved as feeble statesmen , as they were disputers . had a wise able cabal , men of foresight and conduct , been to manage so golden an opportunity , perhaps we might have had as much reason then to curse the dexterity of their policies , as we have now to congratulate their blunders . infallibility was the word in the church , as arbitrary power was in the state , and by the sound of these two almighty words , you thought to proselyte the whole nation , but experience has since convinc'd you , how little they signified . of a iesuit , before we came to make trial of him , we had as terrible an idea , as the romans had of elephants in their war with pyrrhus ; we forgave them for being so tamely vanquish'd in the age before , and charitably ascribed it to the restraint they lay under in former reigns , but when they had the government to support them , besides the goodness of their cause , we expected nothing less than miraculous performances . they were pleased , however , to disappoint our expectations in that case , as well as several others , till at last they grew so very contemptible , that even one of our protestant footmen took a father of the society , and held his nose to dr. sherlock's preservative , just as the americans , to try the immortality of their new invaders , took a straggling spaniard , and dipt his head under water . we expected you would have performed your promises , in relation to the established religion , not so much for the principles of your church ( for those we knew very well ) as for your hon●ur and interest , and yet even there you thought fit to disappoint us . what need i say more ? there was nothing in the whole riddle of the late reign , that did not fail our expectations , except the irish that came over , and the dissenters ; the last promised to sacrifice their lives and fortunes , as the former , without question , promised to fight : but as we all imagined , neither of them kept their word , and therein they answered our expectation . certainly , mr. bays , no men in the world ever miscarried so shamefully in all their projects as your priests did , they acted the counter-part to dionysius's story , came from a school to a kingdom ; and like him too , at last , were thrown from a kingdom to a school . they took care , we thank them , to break the neck of their religion before they withdrew , and left us of the reformation to interr her , and we shall take care , like the young gentleman that buried his penurious father , to lay so heavy a tomb-stone upon her , that she shall never rise in judgment against us . there 's a remarkable passage , mr. bays , in your tragedy of don sebastian , about clergymen , which i shall make bold to transcribe . for churchmen , tho they itch to govern all , are silly , woful , awkard politicians ; they make lame mischief , tho they mean it well . their interest is not finely drawn and hid , but seams are coursly bungled up , and seen . whether you had an eye upon your own church-men , when you wrote these lines , does not signify a farthing , but for your comfort , mr. bays , the character suits them as exactly , as if they had sate for their pictures . to give your old enemies , the dissenters liberty of conscience , after you had so unmercifully harrast them before , was so palpable a sham , that without dispute they understood it well enough , and tho for their present case they accepted of it , they were not such errant fools to imagine , that because fanaticism brought in popery , therefore popery would out of complaisance bring in fanaticism . to publish king charles's papers that were pretended to be found in his closet , was another lamentable miscarriage , for what could create a greater aversion to your church , than to let people know , that it tolerated a man to live in a contrary perswasion , notwithstanding he was otherwise obliged by every thing that was sacred here upon earth , and that it countenanced the blackest hypocrisie . i dare not take upon me to conjecture , whether those papers were spurious or no , but by making them publick , i am sure king charles secured as many to the established church , as he did by passing the test ; and if i had been one of the cabinet-council , i am sure i had sooner consented to let the bible walk abroad in english than to print them . to ride the late unhappy monarch after that unsufferable rate as your priesthood did , to make the best of friends , and the justest master , a prince that had every thing that was generous and heroick in his nature , condescend to feel the pulse of his meanest officers about the penal laws , to make him sacrifice his promise so solemnly plighted to his people ; what was it but to let the subject see beforehand , how triumphantly you wou'd domineer over him , if you had once got the ascendant ? tho you had adulterated all the ecclesiastical writers between this and the creation , we could have pardoned you , but for debauching a prince that was so dear and tender to us , and who 's only fault was to take you for oracles , we shall never forgive you . to ridicule us for holding passive obedience a doctrine , which you ought for your own sakes , to have been encouraged , and cultivated , was so gross a piece of stupidity , that a laplander one would have thought , could never have been capable of ; and if we have not lived up to the height of that principle , you are , to my knowledge , the unfittest men in the world to make the objection . to make transubstantiation stand upon as good a bottom as the trinity , and pretend that we had as great reason to believe one as the other , what other consequences could it naturally produce , but that both doctrines were to be equally rejected . and indeed , mr. bays , i am apt to believe , from the conduct and management of your priests , that since they could not introduce their religion amongst us , they thought it the best expedient to set up atheism . for as st. jerome , in his treatise contra vigilantium , has somewhere observed ( and why may not i , mr. bays , palm a father up●n you , as well as your party has palmed a thousand upon us ? ) a papist and an atheist differ like a jealous man , and a cuckold , like alderman and mayor ; a little time makes one the other . sow atheism in one age , and it will infallibly produce popery in the next ; for popery begets atheism , and atheism begets popery , just as peace and poverty beget one another in the almanack . the world is a very melancholly place , with●ut the diversion of one religion or another ; statesmen or poets , would in a short time trump up some new way of worship , to amuse the people , and after their recovery out of atheism , popery , as the grossest religion , would soonest take with mankind , just as when one comes out of a dark cave , or a dungeon , the grossest objects first employ the eye-sight so that in my opinion , mr. bays , your canon-law ought as well to have taken care , that a sceptick and a true catholick should never marry , for fear of committing incest , as it has already provided , that those that have stood god-father , and god-mother at a baptism should not joyn , to the tune of for better for worse , for fear of violating the rules of a spiritual consanguinity . if you say , this is uncharitably urged upon you , i cannot tell how to help it , for if we do not run out into the rankest infidelity , we are not to thank your church for hindring us . but now to come more closely to you , mr. bays , i should never have taken this second occasion of reviving your old transgressions , but that you have lately given us the justest provocations in the world to attaque you . you tell us in your preface to don sebastian , that if ever a man has reason to set a value upon himself , 't is when his ungenerous enemies are taking the advantage of the times upon him , to ruine him in his reputation . now what reputation you have to lose is a mysterie to me , or any one else that knows you ; that little you had , has been lost and forfeited many years ago . the city and country mouse ruined the reputation of the divine , as the rehearsal ruined the reputation of the poet ; so that upon this score , mr. bays , whatever adversaries shall fall upon you for the future , you may as well comfort your self , that you have no reputation to lose to them , as many a poor prisoner in ludgate blesses his condition that he has no money to part with to the present government . you have indeed forefaulted your lawrel , and historians place ; that 's all the advantage the times have taken on you , and you may well admire the mercifulness of the government , that it has not punished your panther ribbaldry , and desertion , ( for i will not call it apostasie in a poet ) with a severer mortification . if you are weary of living without an employment ( as i see very little probability you have of regaining that you have lost ) i de e'en counsel you to go over to spain , to get an office in the inquisition ; for , mr. bays , if you make no more conscience of killing men elsewhere , than you do on the theatre , you are the fittest person in europe for it . but prithee why so severe always upon the priesthood , mr. bays ? what have they merited to pull down your indignation ? i thought that ridiculing the men of that character upon the stage , was by this time a t●picas much worn out with you , as love and honour in the play , or good fulsome flattery in the dedication . but you i find , still continue your old humour , which we are to date from the year of hegira the loss of eaton , or since orders were refused you : whatever hangs out either black or green colours , is presently your prize , and you would by your good will be as mortifying a vexation to the whole tribe , as an unbegetting year , a concatenation of breifs , or a voracious visiter : so that i am of opinion you had much better to have written in your title page , — manet altâ mente repostum judicium cleri , spre●aeque injuria musae . than the nec tarda senectus , and all that . for tho you are so complaisant to your reader , as to tell him , of the lustre , and masculine vigour , in which it was written , of the newnesses of the english , of the noble daring in the figures ; and that in the roughness of the numbers , and cadences , he will see somewhat more masterly than in most , if not any of your former tragedies ; yet me give me leave to tell you , mr. bays ▪ the world thinks otherwise of it , because you come duller off with your clergy in that , than the spanish fryar . they judge of your wit by the smart repartees you pass upon the priesthood ; if it fails you there , they conclude it goes very hard with you : from your usage of the churchmen they know how your fancy falls and rises , as exactly , as we know how the air is disposed , from the mounting and sinking of the quicksilver in a weatherglass . if you were to write a thousand new plays , and to change your religion as often , no question , mr. bays , but the last would still be the best ; and therefore the town will no more believe you for the future , when you commend your plays , than a jealous citizen when he commends his wife . you say , you are growing old , and therefore assume to your self the right of talking ; if we are to guess at your age only by that , why then , for any thing i know to the contrary , you may live as long as me huselah , mr. bays ; for ever since i have heard of your name , you have assumed the same liberty . to be plain with you , honest mr. bays , you acquired your self a reputation by your poetry , and you have lost it by your poetry ; as a certain nameless author about town , who has exactly calculated the fall of antichrist , got a name by a somnium navale , and parted with it , in a somnium theologicum . and now , mr. bays , if you please to give me leave , i 'le make bold to examine two or three points , relating to your religion , in this place , because the rules of dialogue , you know , tye up a mans hands from making any continued discourse . i shall begin then with your infallibility , because if that were evidently proved , it would soon put an end to the dispute ; and here i cannot but observe what perplexities your doctors are in , to adjust this affair . they prove the infallibility of the scripture , by the infallibility of the church ; and the infallibility of the church , by the infallibility of the scripture . after the same manner , as sir roger tells us in his above-mentioned history , the evidence of the late popish plot , were at a loss , whether to bring sir godfrey's murder to the plot , or the plot to the murder ; but at last so managed the matter , as to make the murder prove the plot , and the plot the murder . but to be serious with you , mr. bays , where is this infallibility of your church to be found at last ? why say you , and most of your divines that live on this side the alps , in pope and council ; as for a council , there 's none sitting at present , or if there were , i hate as mortally to look after infallibility in a crowd , as to carry a letter to mr. such-a-one living in london , without naming the street and sign : neither this , or that bishop , and so on of the rest , make any pretensions to it ; and tho no individual man in the assembly claims any right to the title , yet we must in complement to you , believe that the body shares it among them ; but for my part i can as little endure to hear of accumulative infallibility , as of accumulative treason . 't is very true there 's a promise made somewhere in scripture , to preside over two or three that meet upon a religious score , but the condition of the obligation is , si in nomine meo convenerint , which i presume those people can never pretend to have fulfilled , that can decree articles of faith with a non obstante , to a primitive institution . the italians , that we have reason to suppose , understand the question in hand better than any of their neighbours , by having the infallibility reside amonst them for so long a time , utterly dislike this opinion of the tramontani , and make a council as unnecessary a thing to the pope , as the parliaments in france are to their all-mighty monarch . i am so far of their opinion as to believe , that if such a thing as infallibility is any where to be found , it must be lodged in one single person , and therefore i am resolved for trying the experiment , to go and give him a visit at rome ; and here i see as little signs of infallibillity , as in any princes court in christendom , unless the errours and irreligion of the place , be an argument that he dwells amongst them , as we observe in england , that people generally talk most treason near the king's palace . sometimes , indeed , i see a grave old gentleman , who as they tell me , assumes this venerable title , carried in procession up and down the city , when he saves the poor ignorant people ( as the old romans did their gladiators ) by holding down a finger and a thumb ; and this is , unless i am mistaken , soloecismum manu facere , even according to the letter . sometimes i see him , as on a maunday thursday , with abundance of solemnity , and christian compassion , deliver three parts of the globe into the hands of old satan , by which tenure i suppose , he holds his spiritual iurisdiction , and his mannor of the vatican ; as a certain family in buckingham-shire , mr. cambden tells us , held their lands of the king , by being obliged to furnish his royal bed with fresh straw , whenever he came in progress to that side of the country . if i inquire into the history of infallibility , they inform me here , that it was very ignorant , and very obstinate under the late pontificate , and that the man of sin did not understand the language of the beast . if i trace it farther , i find that in the reign of pope innocent the tenth , or rather donna olympia , it was seated ( as the french call it ) en quenouille , that in former times it has suffered an interregnum for forty years , that it has fornicated , blasphem'd , offer'd sacrifices to idols , deny'd the immortality of the soul , committed incest , studied magick , tolerated sodomy , dispens'd with murder , and occasion'd most of the wars and desolation , that have plagued this part of the world for the ten last centuries . to recount all the impieties that his story stands charged with , were as endless a piece of trouble , as to reckon up all the treasons and rebellions since the conquest ; and i believe , mr. bays , you 'll find it as difficult a matter , in the end , to reconcile what has been mentioned to the infallible character he sustains , as to reconcile his two incompatible titles , rex regum , and servus servorum , to one another . one that has either read or heard of these passages , wou'd be apt to conclude , that as the romish religion is only a continuation of paganism , so that platina's history is but the second part to suetonius's lives of the caesars ; so i find , i must e'en quit my lodgings , and leave roma la santa , if i have a design to see infallibility . migrandum est mihi longius , vel illi . when i have removed out of the city , i may , perhaps , be so happy as to meet the long expected object ; for as the same poet observes , vicinus novio , vel inquilinus sit , quisquis novium videre non vult . the english of which , mr. bays , is this : he that has a mind never to trouble his eye-sight with infallibillity , must take himself a house in rome , and the nearer the vatican , or st. peters , so much the better . two texts in the bible ( a book which he very scurvily requited afterwards ) tu es petrus , and pasce oves meas , first acquired him this reputation , in a dull , barbarous unthinking age , and that soon brought along with it the temporal power which he now possesses ; but it 's no easie matter to determine , whether he most scandalously behaves himself on his secular or spiritual administration , for he lets his subjects , amidst all their plenty , starve in the most fruitful country in the world , and suffers them too , for all his pretences to an unerring spirit , to be over-run with the grossest ignorance and superstition . if a socrates , or a plato , or a race of honest heathens of the same stamp had presided in the chair , i question whether the christian religion had received so much injury as it did , from the conduct of the popes , unless they had expressed as great a passi●n for the welfare of the church , as they have done all along for the raising of their nephews ; and then , perhaps , most of th●se shameful miscarriages had been prevented . i can't tell , mr. bays , whether he 's sensible of the kindness , but i am sure your infallibility is obliged for that little christianity and learning which is remaining in his territories , to the reformation , or luther's defection ( as you call it ) as a learned traveller has observed that the preservation of spain , in this age , is intirely owing to the happy revolt , the hollanders made from it , in the last . your divines , i know , tell another story , but where interest and prejudice blind people , there 's no sincerity to be expected , they magnify and preach up the papal infallibility , in hopes to inp●y the same when they are rais'd to the supream elevation , as i don't question but from the same principle they have practis'd , and justify'd the invocation of saints , to have the same adoration paid to themselves or their friends ▪ another day . to conclude then this troublesome tedious discourse about your pious pastor's infallibility , if ever , mr. bays , you alarm me with it any more , i must return you the very same answer , that a certain gentleman gave dr. oates about his narrative , and tell you plainly , i believe just as much , and not a syllable more , than he believes of it himself . i come now , mr. bays , to consider in the next place , the antiquity of your church , which , all of your pamphleteers take for granted , belongs to you , and in commendation of which ▪ they employ all their little stock of eloquence , when the novelty of the reformation has somewhat discompos'd them . when i first read caranza , and some others of your authors of the same strain , i was afraid they 'd have carried their religion an age or two above the incarnation , as well as their predecessors in chronology , the old aegyptian priests , made themselves some thousands years older than the creation . they tell us , that anacletus , the third pope after st. peter , decreed , that all difficult questions should receive their final determination from the apostolic chair . that alexander , his immediate successor , recommended holy water to the church . that anicetus commanded the priests to shave their heads in fashion of a circle , for a certain grave reason , which will serve them for changing their shirts once a week , as well . that pope fabian pass'd an order , that bishops should carefully observe to renew the chrism once a year in their churches . i need not give my self the trouble to pursue these puny historians any farther , because these instances , mr. bays , may serve to give you a taste of the rest ; only from this blind account of the primitive times , a man would be tempted to think , that for the three first centuries , after their receiving christianity in rome , they had no such thing as a distinction of time ; as pliny tells us , that for a hundred and twenty years , ab urbe condita , they had no distinction of hours . now , supposing all that i have mentioned out of the decretal were true ( as i am sure 't is every syllable an imposture ) i can only say this , mr. bays , that the mystery of iniquity began to operate very early amongst you , and that your church might with a great deal of justice , use the famous quartilla's saying in petronius , junonem iratam habeam , si me unquam meminero fuisse virginem . but for your comfort and satisfaction , mr. bays , we are able to prove that she was not debauch'd so soon as you pretend , but continued in her state of maiden-hood a good considerable time after , tho we expect you 'll no more thank us for such a performance , than a she-cut-purse at the old-baily , that hopes to save a hanging by pretending a big belly , wou'd thank a iury of midwives for bringing her in not with child . alas ! st. peter's successors in those days , had other business on their hands than to amuse their flock with such idle impertinencies , and you might as soon perswade me , that a man of tolerable sense , would send to consult with his peruke-maker about the newest fashion , just an hour before his execution , as that your bishops wou'd entertain their people in these trifles , these no-parts of christianity , when they were to prepare them for persecution and martyrdom . no , no , mr. bays , your roman religion was no more perfected in one day , than the city was built in one day , 't was the labour of several ages to bring it to its present splendor and condition ; and part of it , like our st. pauls here in the city , was finished and adorned , before so much as the foundation of the other end was laid . and thus you know , mr. bays , in the business of tragedy and comedy , thespis began it in a cart , aeschylus not long after introduced it upon the stage , and in succeeding ages , when the government was wholly employed in cultivating the theatre , it received the additional beauty of chorus's , scenes , machines , and other decorations . after all , if your party cannot be perswaded to drop their pretensions to antiquity , but they must needs continue their claim still , i 'd e'en advise them to make the most of the plea as they can ; they may give out that those two noble philosophers , i mean zeno , that deny'd local motion , and anaxagoras , that held snow to be black , were members of your church , and stiff asserters of transubstantiation : their principles , all the world knows , have nothing in them that contradicts a sense-renouncing doctrine , and , i am sure , they may be urged upon us , with greater show of probability than either a st. cyprian or a st. austin . i have i cannot tell how , run my self into a longer preface , by far , than i at first designed ; whether it is your example , mr bays , that has betrayed me into this extravagance , or whether my matter flowed upon me so abundantly , that it was impossible to check the tide , i know not ; but i shall make bold to tell you in your own words , that when i address my self to you in a discourse of this nature again , whatever fault i commit , you may rest assured , it shall not be that of too much length . i have only a word or two to say to the devotion , and canonization of your church , and then i have done . a man has all the reason in the world to entertain but ordinary thoughts of your way of worship when he finds à la veue , that your devotion was altogether fitted to the ceremonies , and not the ceremonies to the devotion . thus for instance , a show of candles made a pretty figure in the church , they helped to set off the pictures , and the rich habit of the priests , and for that reason principally they were introduced : but after they had continued some years in the church , it was thought expedient to assign a better reason for them , so some body stumbled upon ego sum lux mundi , and from that time candles dated themselves jure divino . thus likewise the elevation of the host was set up , not for any devotion or necessity , for every body knows that transubstantiation was a hundred years old before it was decreed ; but holy church was resolved to bring in that ceremony , whether a pretence cou'd be offer'd for it or no : at last , a monk proved it out of psal. . v. . there shall be a handful of corn in the earth upon the top of the mountain . a man sees nothing like elevation in our english version , but for your comfort , mr. bays , the word elevabitur is to be found in the latin translation , and then the handful of corn was immediately turned into a wafer , and the top of the mountain was to pass current for the priests head. whether or no these reasons were thought of , at the same moment as these ceremonies commenc'd in the church , or afterwards , as i imagine they were , is no great matter ; for any one may see from the absurdity of them , that the reason was rather made for the ceremony , than the ceremony for the reason ; so that i cannot but apply an ingenious passage in monsieur vaugelas , with a little alteration of the words , upon this occasion . ce'st faire comme à la feste des saturnales , ou les serviteurs estoient servis par leur maistres , la devotion estant comme la maistresse , & les ceremonies comme les serviteurs . and the truth on 't is , nothing else cou'd be expected , when the monks were the only masters of the ecclesiastick ceremonies , and brought in their adulterated ore to the papal mint , to receive there a canonical stamp . they lived in ease , and fed high , and mistook every hypocondriac fit for a revelation ; they had too much ignorance and stupidity to assimilate ( as the physicians term it ) their devotion , and therefore it broke out into watchings , dreams , silences , hours , altars , images , murmurings , rosaries , unctions , ashes , palms , beads , crosses , tapers , holy water , and such scorbutick humours . in the addresses which you pay to the saints ( which is indeed the principal devotion of your church ) a man would find himself extreamly mistaken , if he expects to meet with any thing that is rational and solid : for admitting that that kind of worship were allowable , yet the choice that you make of your saints for some little resemblance or jingling of his name , is so very ridiculous , that it can admit of no defence . and this has been curiously observed by monsieur menage , the hesychius of france , who upon the word acariastre , has remark'd that for the conformity it bears to the name of acarius , therefore they made their recourse to that saint for the cure of this malady . ainsi on est ( says he ) s'est addressé à saint mathurin pour les fous , qu ' on appelle en italien matti ; à saint eutrope pour les hydropiques ; à saint auertin pour les vertigineux , qu'on appelloit autrefois auertineux ; à saint mammard pour les maux de mammelles ; à saint main pour les rongnes des mains ; à saint genou pour la goutte ; à saint aignan pour la taigne ; à st. clair pour le mal des yeux ; à st. ouen pour la surdité ; a saint fenin , qui est comme les paysans de normandie appellent saint felix , pour ceuz qui sont tombez en chartre , ils appellent fenez ; à saint atourny , c'est saint saturnin , pour ceux a qui la teste tourne . par cette mesme raison on a eu recours pour les choses égarées , qu'on appelle épaves , a saint antoine de padoue . i need not translate this passage into english , because most of the jests will be lost in the translation , but for the satisfaction of the english reader , he 's to imagin that the saint is only chosen for the conformity of the name , as if our sales-men here in the city should choose st. francis de sales for their protector , and the merchant-adventurers should pitch upon st. bonaventure . and now i am discoursing of the saints , i have oftentimes admired that since you leave most of your cities under their protection , you never paid that complement to them , which the old romans used to pay to their tutelar gods ; i mean , that when you sit down before the siege of any place , you have not the good breeding to invite the saint , to whose care the town is committed , to a better station , and beg his pardon for disturbing him in his quarters . i wonder ( i say ) mr. bays , that such a thing was never practised , both because there 's a great appearance of civility in it , and because , as it has happened , the whole form transcribed out of the old roman pontifical , is still to be found in macrobius ; and you know a pagan ceremony , if your infallibility pleases , is as easily changed into a christian rite , as agrippa's pantheon was turned from a temple of all the gods , into a church of all the saints . and this has led me to consider the merits of your canonization , which needs no formal conviction , being one of the absurdest impostures , that the world ever knew . 't is an unaccountable thing how most of your saints got into heaven , and , to make them amends , when they are there , they are as unaccountably worshipped . indeed if preferring a person to the almanack , signified only this , that on st. dominic's day it would be convenient to let blood , and cut corns ; on st. ignatius's day to geld hogs , or drench horses ; on st. francis's day to raise melons , and sow cucumbers ; that st. xavier should preside over such a fair , or such a market , it were no very great matter ; we should never grudge them so small a courtesie ; but when we see a divine adoration entailed upon them , immediately after their preferment to the calendar , we are naturally led to enquire , whether they deserved so great an honour , and whether the person that advanced them to it , had the authority to make the promotion . some of them i am sure , as st. dominic for instance , were sad gloomy ▪ wretches here upon earth ; and unless the place has mightily altered them for the better , a man of sense would have very little temptation upon him to wish himself in the company . after all , i am afraid they have no more right to the place they possess , than the pope had to give it , for i never read that st. peter left the power of making gods en appanage , or by way of portion to his successor . as he is pope , he has no more title to canonize , than my lord mayor has to confer the honour of knighthood ; and therefore , mr. bays , i would advise you for the sake of your brother poets , to take the matter into your own hands , for originally , i am sure , the poets only pretended to bestow such favours , and what may serve to bring them into play again , they can canonize a great deal cheaper than the pope . horace , you know , is very positive to the point , musa vetat mori , coelo musa beat , part of which ode i will translate , and so take my leave of you . i. from dark oblivion , and the silent grave , th' indulgent muse does the great heroe save ; 't is she , forbids his name to dye , and brings it to the stars , and sticks it in the sky . ii. thus mighty hercules did move to the eternal palaces above ; not all his twelve exploits advanc'd him to the sphere , but 't was the poets pain , and labour brought him there . iii. thus the fam'd spartan twins did rise from ornaments of earth the glory of the skies : tho heav'n by turns they do obtain , yet in immortal verse the brothers joyntly reign . iv. and bacchus too , for all his vain pretence , borrow'd his crown , and god-head hence : he by his pow'rful juice first taught the muse to fly , and she in kind requital gave him immortality . will 's coffee-house in covent-garden . crites , eugenius and mr. bays . bays . well gentlemen , i find you are punctual to the assignation , and now if you please , we 'll fall to the business in hand without any more preface , or ceremony . you know i promised to make you acquainted in the first place with the motives which obliged me to leave the church of england , and afterwards to give you the reasons why i setled in the romish communion . this method i design to follow , because it will give us a full view of all the controverted points between both parties ; but i must make bold to ask you one civil question or two , before-hand , since it is so material to our present affair ; and that is , whether you have seen a famous poem of mine , called the hind and panther ? crites . seen it , mr. bays ! why , i can stir no where but it pursues me ; it haunts me worse than a pewter-button'd-serjeant does a decayed cit : sometimes i meet it in a band-box when my landress brings home my linnen , sometimes whether i will or no , it lights my pipe in a coffee-house ; sometimes it surprizes me in a trunk-makers shop , and sometimes it refreshes my memory for me on the backside of a chancery-lane parcel — for your comfort mr. bays , i have not only seen it as you may perceive , but have read it too , and can quote it as freely upon occasion , as a frugal tradesman can quote that noble treatise , called the worth of a penny , to his extravagant prentice that revels in cock●ale , stew'd apples , and penny custards . bays . then take it from me , mr. crites , you have read the most exalted , the most sublime piece of poetry , that was ever extant in the universe . it contains , without vanity i may say it , all the arguments that can be proposed in behalf of the unerring guide the churches infallibility , transubstantiation , tradition , and the like : so that if this were not an age wherein people were resolved never to trust their faith out of the company of their reason , i should not question to reduce half the kingdom in due time , only by the sweetness and majesty of my verse . but pray , mr. crites , do me the favour to tell me what the sinful world has said to this noble off-spring of mine . crites . troth mr bays the sinful world , as you call it , is very much divided about the point , and who can help it ? some persons allow it as little quarter as the inquisition does a tract of lutheran divinity ; and others again speak as favourably of the author , as the dissenters do of the late immortal pacqueteer . some say you chose a religion , tho it were none of the best , only to confront the world that you had one , like the young prince in the rehearsal , who was glad to own the fisherman for his father , rather than lye under the scandal of having none at all . some commend your policy for treating your subject in rime , because , as they pretend , the polemic is no more obliged to answer for the paralogisms of the poet , than the new-made lord is concerned to pay the debts of the private gentleman . lastly , the more censorious sort question the sincerity of your conversion , and are apt to believe , that although you have drawn your pen in the churches quarrel , you 'd scarce be allow'd the humble favour to stand godfather for a bell , and promise in the bells name , that it shall scatter tempests , disperse evil spirits , and disarm thunder and lightning ; for like malicious persons as they are , they observe that you have made the panther in that noble episode of the swallow , tell a better and more pertinent story , than even your catholic hind . in fine , since you 'l have all out together , they say if your own party ever comes to tell noses , that they must be forced to serve you , and the rest of the new converts , as the turkish janizaries do their other foot-battalia's , place you in the front , and encompass you round , because you have got such a damnable trick of running away from your colours , that you are not to be trusted in the rear . bays . and is the world then so wickedly disposed as to question the sincerity of my conversion ? oh tempora & mores ! i cou'd almost resolve with my own almanzor , that henceforward all mankind should walk upon crutches . i can't tell , i gad , what to offer farther in my own defence , than what i have done already , except only this which comes in my head on the sudden . — pray gentlemen did you ever hear of a certain noble grecian call'd ajax ? eugenius . what he , that wore as many cow-hides upon his shield , as wou'd have furnished half the king's army with shoe-leather ! bays . the very same sir. — now this ajax , you must know , was hector's cousin-german , and i 'le acquaint you how the kindred came in . priam's aunt , no i mistake i gad , priam's sister — eugenius . was a very honest gentlewoman , for any thing i know to the contrary . but prithee mr. bays setting that business aside , let us know what you have to say to ajax ? bays . nay , if you 'l have story in its puris naturalibus , without the pedigree and all that , ee'n thank your selves for it — why then , once upon a time an assignation being made between hector and his cousin ajax to determine the war in a single combat , just before the trumpets sounded , hector tells his noble kinsman , that if he certainly knew which part of his body was trojan , and which was grecian , he 'd spare the one out of a respect to his pious aunt , but slash , cut and mortifie the other like lightning . the whole passage you may find in the tragedy of troilus and cressid , which with some little variation from the original , i will thus apply to my self . but pray listen — were my commixion hind and panther so , that i cou'd say this hand the panther's is , and this the hind's — mr. eugenius for god's sake attend , — the sinews of this leg all panther , this all hind ; the panther's blood runs in the dexter cheek , and this sinister bounds in the hinds — incomparably good i vow to gad ; and now follows one of the finest oaths in christendom — by jove multipotent i wou'd not bear from hence that pagan member , wherein my sword should not impression make . in plain english , mr. crites , if i thought i carried any protestant blood about me , i 'de tap it this very moment with my trusty tilter , and write a letter of defiance with it to all the calvinists and socinians l'gad in the universe . i cou'd wish with all my soul , that the troublesome quietist yonder on the other side the hills , had made as true and sincere a recantation as i have done ; for , between friends , if this fails to give satisfaction , i can't tell what will — and now , gentlemen , pray let me have your opinion of the poem , for methinks as long as i stand in your good graces , i should not be much concern'd if all the town besides should censure it . eugenius . faith little bays , to deal freely with you , i have the same indifferent thoughts of the poetry as i have of the subject , and cou'd never have imagin'd , but for the clear conviction you have given me in the matter , that the hind had obliged her converts to part with their wit , as well as their reason . i am afraid she has served your muse , as they serve jesuits in swedeland , and so disabled her , that you 'l scarce be able to dribble so much as one single madrigal for any of your new friends in the almanac . besides , to pursue my quarrel a little farther , i am angry that a dramatist should either trouble himself or others with matters of controversie . for tho i confess it seems somewhat generous in a poet , to defend that religion which was first introduced by poets , or men poetically given , yet still the character is unnatural : something must of necessity drop from him , that is not suitable to the gravity of his undertaking , and for all his conduct , his muse and his devotion will no more keep together , than the young lady , and the pious grandmother at a smithfield show . you may remember , mr. bays , how the famed * astrea , once in her life-time , unluckily lighted upon such a sacred subject , and in a strange fit of piety , must needs attempt a paraphrase of the lord's prayer . but alas poor gentlewoman ! she had scarce travell'd half way , when cupid served her as the cut-purse did the old justice in bartholomew-fair , tickled her with a straw in her ear , and then she could not budge one foot further , till she had humbly requested her maker to grant her a private act of toleration for a little harmless love , otherwise called fornication — thus you see , mr. bays , that in my opinion , a poet is none of the fittest persons in the world to write a system of divinity , or to deal in controversie . bays . well sir , this is but one doctors judgment however ; but what say you mr. crites ? crites : for your comfort , mr. bays , i am not of my friends opinion here , but think you have very honestly discharged the duty of a poet , which obliges him to preserve and maintain his character still to the last . you know what our great master horace says to this point , servetur ad imum qualis ab incepto processerit ; and i am sure you have kept close to the text. as you began with a very indifferent religion , so ( heaven be praised ) you have not much m●●ded the matter since in your last choice ; and in my opinion it was but reason that your muse , which appear'd first in a tyrants quarrel , should employ her last efforts to justifie the usurpations of the hind . but this is not all , mr. bays , you had it seems a design in your old age to sacrifice your reputation , and how cou'd you do it more honestly than the same way you got it , that is , in rhime ; or sacrifice it in better company , than when you parted with your senses , reason , and conscience all together ? bays . so sir , i find i am very much beholding to you ; and have you any more of these complements still behind ? crites . yes several of 'em , mr. bays ; as first and formost , we own our selves extreamly obliged to you for that honest well-meaning motto in your title-page , * antiquam exquirite matrem . for as long as we have the grace to follow that direction , few of our gentlemen i believe will be for making the tour of italy ; and your hind in all probability will send as few proselytes upon a pilgrimage to rome , as old mr. sclaters galatinus will send to ierusalem . bays . oh this wicked profane generation ! but pray sir proceed — crites . indeed as for the * vera incessu patuit dea , which accompanies it , most of the critics about town are of opinion that it fits the old gentlewoman of endor much better than the italian madona you designed for , who they say has been observed to have a strange hobbling in her gate , ever since her female friend miscarried in the lateran : and therefore they advise you by all means to lend it honest elkanah against his next edition of pope ioan , for there , they pretend , it wou'd be a very seasonable pertinent jest , which it is not in the place where now it stands . just as you know mr. bays the venio sicut fur is a very pat and agreeable thought on the dial at newgate , but wou'd lose very much of its poignancy , if it were removed to the pillar in covent-garden . bays . i perceive mr. crites where the shooe pinches , but 't is no more than what i expected : this back-biting and slandering does not come upon me a l' improvisse . my saviour and my soveraign had enough of it in their times . nay i gad , i knew well enough my book wou'd make every mothers son of you angry — crites . faith little bays i am so far from being angry , that i cou'd hugg thee a hundred times over , for the performance ; it was the most acceptable piece of service you cou'd have done us , because we are all in very good hopes now , that the savoy-pamphleteers will no more invade us with those outworn arguments in prose , which you have so prophan'd in your poetry . 't will put your church to the charges at least of new consecrating those spiritual arms , which have been so unhallow'd in the usage by a secular hand . for to return some of your own words upon you at parting . you 've made the benefits of others studying , much like the the meals of politic iack pudding whose dish to challenge , no man has the courage , 't is all his own when once h' has spit in 's porridge . bays . well gentlemen i thank you both very heartily for the good opinion you have of your humble servant , and now i hope you 'l allow him the liberty of a little christian raillery in his turn . eugen. by all means mr. bays , begin as soon as you will. bays . allons messieurs . have at your established church , for i design now to proceed to my reasons why i quitted her communion ; they are some half a score in number , and ( tho i say it ) such swinging two-handed reasons , that any single reason among 'em , well mounted and planted , is enough to demolish the foundation of any church in the universe . but can you guess either of you which of all this jolly company of objections i intend to begin the assault with ? crites . not i by my troth mr. bays , for i believe it 's less difficult by far to assign the true motive of your going over to the church of rome , than to assign any good reason for your leaving the church of england . eugen. since you 'l needs put your friends to the trouble of guessing for you , considering you are a poet and all that , i am apt to believe you 'l make your first attacque upon our translation of the psalms , because the panther never set you on work to rectifie ' em . as i knew a trusty glasier the last summer , who because he was not employ'd to mend the church-windows , took pet , and went to a meeting . bays . upon honour mr. eugenius that was not the case , tho since you have refreshed my memory as to this point , i must freely own before you both , that i was always extreamly scandalized at your allowing of hopkins and sternholds poetry to be sung in your churches . crites . god so mr. bays ! was your brother hopkins so great an eye-sore to you ? bays . not so great an eye-sore by the half , as he has been an ear-sore to me , for i thank my stars mr. crites i never mortify'd my self with reading a syllable of him in my life time . as the peevish old huncks in the silent woman hir'd him a house as far from the rattling of coaches as he cou'd meet with , so i have done the same in relation to a church , and you might as soon wheedle iohnson's morose if he were alive again into the wits coffee-house , as perswade me now into any of your churches . you cannot imagine how strangely i have found my self discomposed , when i have passed by any of those places where the congregation has been bellowing out the psalms , so that of late years i run away as naturally from that unsanctified thing called a clark of parish , as an irishman from a her'd of prentices , or the rest of my own profession from a lampooned courtier , or a bilked bookseller . en verite mr. crites if i have the wind of him i can smell his ekes and ayes and his other expletives about him half the length of cheapside . crites . and that 's much the same distance ( as i take it ) that they say father ignatius cou'd smell out a heretic . but methinks this subject has inspir'd you with a great deal of gayety mr. bays : i perceive you can play the droll as well as the best of 'em , when you have a mind to it . bays . the truth on 't is gentlemen my talent lyes a little that way ; but as i was saying before , there 's a certain business in the churches about town , which i extreamly fancy , and that is , the setting up organs to drown the insupportable harshness of the noise ; which peice of policy i suppose they have borrowed from the old israelites , who were use to beat kettle drums all the while they sacrificed their children to molok , in order to stifle their cryes . eugen. faith little bays i cou'd scarce have believed you had the heart to treat any of your own tribe with so much severity . if you allow no other quarter to your brother-trespassers in rime , what mercy can a trader in prose expect from your hands . but prithee mr. bays why did you never own this grievance in public , that the state might have found some way or other to redress it . bays . tho i have frequently done it in a coffee-house as here before you gentlemen , yet i was always unwilling to charge the panther with these translators in print : because , do you mind me mr. crites , it wou'd look a little ill and all that , for a poet to do such a thing : people wou'd be apt to think he did it for his own interest , and to get himself employ'd by the next convocation . just so , as cardinal bellarmine tells us , the apostles never recommended the worshipping of saints in their writings ; but left it in trusty hands to be communicated four or five ages after , for fear the heathens might take occasion to reproach these self-denying gentlemen for establishing their own adoration . i know , mr. crites , a person of your judgment can never relish such insipid stuff as we have been discoursing of ; pray tell me then what possible defence can be made for your church , or how it can be stiled pure and primitive , which is so corrupt in her poetry , and allows such a vile translation of the psalms in her publick devotions . she has longed every ash-wednesday any time this hundred years to have the primitive discipline of pennance restored , and may long as many years , for all i know to the contrary , to have her poetry reformed . crites . you have chose a very ill person , mr. bays , to satisfie your conscience in this point , for i believe any of your new friends the dissenters can better inform you how these aforesaid psalms stole into the church than my self . perhaps they were allow'd for the good of the lungs of the body politic , or else to reduce some of our people who had been used a ouvrir la bouche at geneva , and cou'd not subsist without it here in england ; the magistrates at that time were willing to connive at 'em , as some of your former popes complyed with images , incense , holy-water , tonsure , and other ceremonies of pagan extraction , to bring over the heathens with greater ease into the christian communion . but after all , mr. bays , rather than this matter shall hinder any proselytes from coming to the panthers church we 'll freely part with ' em . bays . part with 'em , mr. crites ? that 's a good jest i'gad . your people i am sure will sooner part with their magna charta , than lose an inch of their birth-right in hopkins and sternhold . part with 'em , mr. crites ? why you shall as soon perswade me that the spanish king will part with his whiskers , dry 'em to powder , and then send 'em in his royal snuff-box for a present to the west-india company at amsterdam , as that the good people of england will ever consent to part with the psalms . eugenius . nay have a care what you do , mr. bays , for if you pursue this matter too far , you 'l ee'n oblige me against my inclination to consider the poetry of your own church , and unless i am mightily mistaken , a man that has any leisure or appetite to mortifie himself that way , may find as incorrect language , as unwarrantable expressions , and as barbarous a spirit in your hymns and services , as ever the never-to-be-forgotten wisdom was guilty of ; with this only difference , mr. bays , that whereas our old fashioned , translators were honestly content to palm a few ancient words upon us , and no more , the authors of your offices have made bold to advance a step or two beyond 'em , even into the territories of blasphemy . what think you sir of the iure matris impera filio ? and all those admirable complements to st. ioseph , st. ioachim , st. wilgefortis , the three kings of colen , the eleven thousand ursulins , &c. which i would now offer to your pious consideration , but that a friend of yours designs to publish 'em in a set treatise , which intends to visit the press very speedily . or lastly , tell me whether tom. sternhold , or any of his fellows ever burlesqued the psalter and the te deum with that freedom as a cardinal of your own church , and one of the burgesses of the roman almanac , i mean st. bonaventure has done ? when you have reflected upon all this , and are able to justifie it , we 'll give you free leave to make what sport you please with any of the above-mentioned gentlemen , but till that time we desire you to be civil to ' em . and now i fancy you had better proceed to a new point , than meddle any more with this . therefore pray let us know what you have in the next place to object to the panther . bays . if it must be so as you 'l have it , why then the second thing i quarrel with your church for , is the marriage of her clergy-sons , and i think i i have so effectually lashed this ecclesiastical devil of incontinence , that he 'l scarce be able to show his head above ground in my time at least . speaking of the blessed effects which the reformation produc'd among us , i subjoyn these following lines , here marriage pleasures midnight pray'rs supply , and mattin-bells ( a melancholly cry ) are tun'd to merrier notes , encrease and multiply . an excellent thought i gad , and i dare swear half the clergymen in the kingdom will hereafter think the worse of the first chapter of genesis for my sake . a little below , meeting with the german reformer , i take care to inform the world , that little martin , in order to make his way to paradise the pleasanter be thought him of a wife e're half way gone , for 't was uneasie travelling alone . you may observe here , mr. crites , that the german divines can no more go to heaven without company , than they can drink without company : and as for luther , i think i am pretty even with him now for calling the pope antichrist , since i have made him one of mahomets disciples , and a well-wisher to the alcoran . but the severest touch of all is toward the end of my book , where i occasionally take notice , that a plain good man whose name is understood , refused to take the communion from the panther's chaplains , chiefly i gad , because they were married . nor consecrated grain their wheat he thought , which new from treading in their bills they brought . the finest metaphor certainly this , as ever enter'd into any poets pia mater . i have abundance more of such witty hints up and down in my poem , which i cou'd recount to you , but these may suffice at present , only for your diversion i 'le acquaint you with a little conversation , which i lately had on this subject at a place of publick meeting — i cou'd with some patience ( said i ) hear an italian or a spaniard condemn the church , for enjoyning a chastity which is hardly practicable under the influences of a warmer clymate ; but here in england where a feeble sun , a phlegmatick air , and a peculiar stiffness that accompanies our tempers , do all contribute to make the performance more easie : here ( i say ) where little or nothing of the christian heroe is required to disarm a few sickly inclinations , no excuse is to be admitted ; — but before i proceed any farther in this argument , pray gentlemen give me your opinion of it , for methinks now it was a pretty sort of a thought to make the sun , moon and stars throw the blame from themselves , and lay it all upon the poor clergymen . crites . 't is very diverting indeed , mr. bays . bays . sir ( continued i ) if as you alledge — eugenius . how now , mr. bays , what gentleman have you brought into the room ? how got he in ? what is his name , and business ? for i durst have sworn , you had been all this while talking to your dear self , and enditing a soliloquy . bays . lord sir , you are enough to distract any person breathing with your damn'd impertinent questions ; did not i tell you before , that all this was spoke in a publick place , and before company . eugen. why then little bays , i beg your pardon ; however to the best of my knowledge i never heard this gentleman comment t' il appellez vous ? alledge one syllable for himself before . bays . that 's very true , dear friend of mine , he never did . but you are to be informed , that 't is a pretty new way of disputing we have got at this end of the town , for a person to suppose that the person he disputes with , will raise such and such objections to the matter in hand , and then for this person to answer 'em himself . crites . faith , mr. bays , this is as refined a piece of policy , as i ever heard of in my life . bays . you say true , mr. crites , 't is machiavel all over , for you may swear , a man in such a case will use the same discretion in choosing his objections , as they say robin hood used in choosing his men , such as he can easily cuff and master when he pleases : and now , because you are both my singular good friends , i 'le whisper to you who it is , that first introduced this policy into a conference — 't is a certain old gentleman of the savoy ▪ that has a very ill hand at spelling english , and his christen'd name is the same with a certain saints , who has had for several years a great influence upon advent-sunday . crites . thank you for this secret , mr : bays , i know the gentleman as well as if you had named him outright , 't is the very same man that said pope innocent the third was so hard a name to remember ; but now i think on 't , you had always a very good hand at penning a whisper . eugenius . prithee , dear mr. bays , without any more ado , go on with your argument . bays . sir ( continued i ) if , as you alledge , it is downright madness , and all that , to restrain our appetites by a vow , which we are not capable of performing without a supernatural assistance ; i desire to know whether the indictment be general , and if not , why it should be made criminal in one case , and not in another . suppose a man of a long continuance in debauchery should at last reform , and to prevent the return of his irregularities , should oblige himself by a solemn vow to a stricter conduct for the time to come , no one , i believe , wou'd blame his resolutions , or charge him , with the guilt of a virtual perjury ; and yet let me tell you , gentlemen , temperance is no more a virtue of our own manufacture than chastity , nay , perhaps , as times go , much the severer confinement of the two , as having more avenues to guard , and more manly temptations to resist . to secure one's chastity little more is necessary than to leave off a correspondence with the other sex , which to a wise man is no greater a punishment , than it would be to a fanatic parson to be forbid seeing the cheats and the committee , or for my lord mayor and aldermen to be interdicted the sight of the london cuckolds . if you never see the enemy , you lye under no danger of being beaten from your post , and a farther conversation will discover so many little vanities and impertinencies , as will serve to improve the disgust , and confirm the former resolution but then the other virtue is not to be maintained at so cheap a rate , to preserve it , you must suspect your nearest acquaintance , nay your very self , you must guard it from the attacques of friends as well as of the visits of strangers ; you must lose a thousand happy moments that men of wit enjoy when they sacrifice it to their mirth and pleasure . in fine , like a frontier kingdom , it ought to be very well mann'd and garrison'd , or else 't is every minute in danger of being invaded , and taken . crites . very rhetorically harangu'd upon my word , mr. bays . bays . besides i would willingly be informed , how it comes possible for people to pass the most sanguine , and rebellious part of their lives ( as they generally do at the universities ) without a comfortable importance to relieve their necessities , and yet not be able to master a few weak decaying inclinations ; can we bear the toyl of the day when the sun scorches , and the heats are unruly , and shall we complain of the coolness of the evening , and call for umbrella's at midnight ? can we withstand the enemy when his assaults are vigorous , and when he has all the advantages imaginable over us ; and shall we make a tame dishonourable submission to him , when his ammunition is spent , and he 's just upon the point of crying quarter ? but the mystérie is easie enough to be unfolded , for celibacy is not so miserable a state as people are apt to imagine ; a man may subsist many a fair day without a spouse to support him , till the living is provided , and then 't is as impossible for the contemplative thing to be without one , as without his german system , and cambridge concordance ; then , and only then , his former stock of grace leaves him in the lurch , and abandons him to a dismal multitude of temptations , from which it seems a warm bedfellow can only secure him . however to do him justice , 't is not so much the mans own inclination to marry , as his country patron 's royal will and pleasure it should be so , who awakens his concupiscence to the tune of either take this bad halfcrown sir , for all it 's clipt within the brim , and so forth , or else not a word of the fifty pieces . in fine , after the reformation-manner of distributing preferments , the spouse and the parsonage go together just like virtue and reward , or in dr. heylin's language , knighthood and the service of ladies . after this i proceeded to shew the many inconveniences of matrimony in a spiritual life ; that if the levite chanced to have his table overstocked with olive-branches ( which was the case of most of 'em ) it wou'd oblige him to too servile a dependance upon the srate , that he must sacrifice the dignity of his character to get bread for his family , put on the grazier to bolster up the vicar , as in country villages you know , 't is an usual thing to tack the sorry tradesman to the ale-draper ; that if his abigail chanced to be deformed , it would encline him to preach of nothing else but hell and reprobation ; but if she was handsome , it would certainly tincture all his sermons , more or less with a touch of mahumetanism , and so make him a fitter paraphrast for the alcoran , than the new-testament . and then i concluded all with a very merry piece of drollery , i vow to gad , upon a west-country parson , who having the good fortune to light upon a goodly heritage , and a more goodly spouse , cou'd not be prevailed upon for love nor mony , ( nay tho 't was a funeral sermon 't was all a case ) to take a text any where in the bible but out of the canticles , till two years at least were passed over his head , by which time his conjugal love and affection were somewhat abated . thus gentlemen i have acquainted you with that discourse , which i made in the place above-mentioned upon the occasion of celibacy , 't is the quintessence of what father cressy , and a more modern author have advanced for the cause , and unless i am extreamly mistaken , it has suffered nothing under my management . crites . faith , little bays , you have been very severe upon the tribe of levi for their marrying , but i don't wonder at it , for to my certain knowledge you never gave matrimony a good word in your life , but thought it too barbarous and heathenish a confinement , even for the laity . priest-craft was one of the civilest nicknames you ever gave it , tho between friends celibacy deserves that title much better : but so familiar a thing is it for poets to rail at marriage , that methinks they ought as much to be forgiven for it , as a country curate for railing at a healthful season , or a city merchant at the french privateers . eugen. as my friend very well observes , mr. bays , you poets ought in conscience to be excused for being witty now and then upon those that are got into the oval of matrimony : for either you are plagued with an odd sort of latitudinarian creatures at home ( which they say is your own misfortune , mr. bays , as well as mr. sh-dw-lls ) and then you have all the reason in the world to vent your indignation upon that settlement called a wife : or else , you are humbly content to pick a little natural philosophy out of some fleet-street strowler , that won't consent under the last half-crown to qualifie you for writing a luscious love-scene , and taking a dose of turpentine pills . let the case be what it will , the unconscionable wife , or the more unconscionable whore will infallibly excuse you , and the rest of your brethren the poets for passing a little unmannerly language upon matrimony . however mr. bays i dare lay one single wager with you , that altho you are of a church , where marriage passes muster for a sacrament conferring grace , that you are not of that opinion : but that as aristotle is deservedly blamed for setting up ten predicaments when two might have served the turn ; so likewise that holy church was very much in the wrong for quartering seven sacraments upon the gospel , when the number might have been reduced to a less , and matrimony might very well be reckon'd as a melancholly appendix to the sacrament of pennance . bays . pray mr. eugenius , don't fancy that i entertain any such loose extravagant opinions as those are , i 'm no such prosane person , not i , l'gad . crites . before we examine this matter any farther , i must humbly request one favour of you mr. bays . bays . with all my heart sir , command me in what you please . crites . why you know , mr. bays , it has been very usual of late , for persons , when they have a mind to batter and demolish any pretended grievance , to lay aside the merits of the cause , and judge the equity of it by its original . bays . very right sir , for thus you know we banter your reformation with a story or two of ann bolein , and king harry's cod-piece ; and thus my brother bays of everlasting memory , when he took the test into his pious consideration , thought he effectually ridicul'd it , by tracing it to its cradle in aldersgate-street , and laying it at the door of that man-midwife of the popish plot , the late earl of shaftsbury — but pray mr. crites , why did you give your self the trouble to beg so small a favour as this , when you might have commanded it . crites . because i am not so very well perswaded of the honesty of such a proceeding ; but if it be so very fair and lawful , as you pretend , i wou'd advise you then , mr. bays , when you next summon a national synod of our rivers , to set the severn in the speakers chair , and not the thames ; for he by vertue of his original , as springing our of the brittish mountains , ought certainly to have the priviledge of sitting above the thames , that has the misfortune to be born in a valley — but now to the first institutor of celibacy . i am as loth , mr. bays , to show my little reading out of fathers and councils , as a city alderman is of showing his young wife at the play-house or at the mall ; not that i am afraid of being plundered of what i have , but methinks convincing a poet out of fathers and councils looks as awkwardly as if a man should think to quicken a lazy water-man with a greek verse or two out of apollonius's argonautics ; but because we cannot possibly avoid it ▪ we 'll be unmannerly that way as seldom as we can . the first pope then that ever recommended it with any effectual vigour to the world , was that euroelydon of italy , pope gregory the seventh , alias called hildebrand ; and indeed he deserves to go under more names than one , that had a greater share of wickedness in his temper , than one wou'd have thought any one single mans nature had been capable of . but because it is a good secure way to rail with insallibility on ones side , as a late worthy gentleman has expressed himself , let us hear his character from the sacred council of brixia ; he was then in the judgment of that numerous assembly , a superstitious observer of dreams and prodigies , a magician , a negromancer , a monster given up to all the excesses of pride and cruelty , and finally one ( for the best jest he was ever guilty of is still behind ) one that by the assistance of the devil , had aspir'd to the apostolical chair . i had often heard , mr. bays , that the spanish and french factions had a great influence in the conclave , and pretended now and then as an opportunity served to a disposal della spirito santo , but never imagined that the old gentleman in black had any vote amongst the gentlemen of the purple , till this lucky passage convinc'd me . bays . upon my word , mr. crites , i won't stay a minute longer with you , if you make any more such reflections upon the sacred election — crites . this was likewise the same person , mr. bays , that so solemnly delivered that unfortunate emperour henry the fourth , and all the bishops that received investiture from him , into the hands of the devil , for no other reason in the world but only justifying the imperial prerogative against the papal usurpations ; and lastly , to compleat his character , he that branded the married clergy by the scandalous name of nicolaitans . what were the blessed effects of that forced chastity , which was so vigorously enjoyn'd under this pontificate , a man may easily learn out of aventinus , sigebertus , and the other historians of that barbarous age , and they they were as followeth : the bishops were continually quarrelling with the priests , the priests ( not to be behind hand with 'em ) were continually reproaching the bishops , and the laics very devoutly fell foul upon both . they trod the sacrament under foot that had been consecrated by the married priests , they burnt their tithes , they sanctified the altars which had been profaned by 'em , with holy water . above all , there sprung up a goodly harvest of fornication , incest , murder , and adultery ; and yet all this while , unless his infallibility was notoriously belyed , pope gregory kept a more than ordinary correspondence with his dearly beloved mathildis . there are some other remarkable frolics to be found in the life of this ecclesiastical leviathan , as his drinking a health to the devil , his throwing a consecrated hostie into the fire for not resolving him a certain question which he put to it , that i purposely omit , as things that are rather fit for the pennance of a scavenger , than the consideration of an historian . let us now come over into england , to see how matters succeeded here : much about the time that hildebrand was so busie to promote this affair beyond the alpes , anselm arch-bishop of canterbury advanced it at home , and by vertue of his archiepiscapal authority , deprived all the married priests throughout the kingdom of their ecclesiastical promotions . there had indeed in the time of the saxons , ( when the benedictine order , what by their pretended miracles , and what by the outward austerity of their lives , spread apace ) several efforts been used by odo , and dunstan , by ethelwold bishop of winchester , and oswald bishop of worcester , in the year to eject the married priests out of colleges and churches , and substitute regulars in their room ; but however as this was not put in execution in all places , so likewise the seculars were not constrained to leave their wives and preferments but only at their own discretion . but anselm copying from the furious hildebrand proceeded farther in the matter , for he not only compelled 'em to part with their wives , ( which unchristian rigour the saxon bigotts in all their zeal never practised ) but also , what was the more mortifying case of the two , forced 'em to part with their preferments . we are now at leisure to observe the consequences of this worthy institution . as it happen'd mr. bays upon our prohibiting the exportation of unwrought wools , that the hollanders immediately set up several new manufactures of their own : so here when the religious were forbidden to have any more commerce with the women , as necessity you know forces people upon desperate attempts , they began to trade amongst themselves . in short this italian decree of celibacy introduced the italian sin of sodomy , which occasioned so many horrid complaints , that anselm found himself obliged to convene another council at london ▪ where very severe laws were enacted against it . the punishment ( as roger hoveden tells us ) was excommunication ipso facto , not be got off but by absolution from a bishop only , and that not to be procured at an easier rate than a swinging pennance : but the monks shortly after taking occasion to acquaint the arch-bishop with the fatal inconveniences that in all probability wou'd ensue upon the publishing of this decree , in asmuch as it wou'd lay open and discover to all the world a sin , that was scarce known or heard off before out of a cloyster , he was piously prevail'd upon to call it in . thus you see mr. bays that in those conscientious times it was thought better so permit people the liberty of incest , sodomy , adultery , and fornication , or at least , to leave 'em under an unavoidable necessity of committing such brutalities , than repeal the unsanctify'd canon which occasioned them . what were the first motives which influenced the western patriarchs to abridge their clergy of that liberty which the apostles left 'em in , is not difficult to conjecture . 't is certain they can make no pretences of antiquity , or tradition for it : for if st. ierom's word may be taken , all the apostles except st. iohn , and st. paul were married ; and when the famous controversie of the celebration of easter was so warmly disputed between the eastern and western churches , polycrates bishop of ephesus alledges the example of seven of his progenitors , who had successively governed that see , to justifie his own practice . were the primitive christians then of the first and purest ages , uncapable of living up to that height of self-denyal and austerity , which the worst men recommended , and the worst times cou'd practice ? or did the christian church require as long a time to arrive to the height of spiritual perfection , as it had to ascend to its temporal greatness ? were their appetites more ungovernable in the ten first centuries , or did the succeeding ages light upon more effectual restringents to subdue ' em ? yes certainly mr. bays they did . for as i take it , the sanctifying miracles of whip cord were not so universally acknowledged then as afterwards , nor st. francis's receit for an erection by running into a heap of snow so generally made use of ; and then the virtue of a long pilgrimage , the carrying about one this saints thumb , and that saints set of teeth , the praying before such an image or such an altar , but above all , the recommending ones self to the virgin marys protection , were not things of so universal practice and approbation in the earlier times . and perhaps after all , the gift of continence was not to be bestow'd upon the church militant , till the sacrifice of the mass was born , that only an immaculate priesthood might be concerned with that immaculate sacrifice , or till the popes had planted heaven with store enough of submediators , to implore a sufficient stock of grace for their friends here upon earth . indeed pope siricius towards the end of the fourth century in his epistle to the spanish clergy , quotes this sorry place out of scripture to fright 'em from their wives , si secundum carnem vixeritis moriemini , to which citation we 'l only oppose another text of the same apostle , melius est nubere quam uri , and so we 'l leave him . however by this single passage , mr. bays , you may perceive with what eagerness and fury your infallible guide snaps at any solitary text in the bible which he thinks will countenance any of his innovations , or make for his purpose . a puny courtier never waited with half that impatience for a gracious nod , or a merciful wink from a rising favourite , as infallibility it self waited here for one lonely unguarded place in the new-testament to back his cause ; i don't question but the old gentleman turned over the whole book from genesis to the revelations with as much concern , as ever you did , mr. bays , to find out nick-names for your absolon and achitophel . but what advantage has he done his cause by producing this text ? why none at all , but the greatest disservice imaginable . si secundum carnem vixeritis moriemini ? why it destroys celibacy , and fornication , the heir apparent of celibacy , to all intents and purposes ; and i don 't at all question , but that the unerring intelligencer if he had slept a little , and consulted his ●illow , wou'd have been of another opinion next morning , but it seems he was fully resolved to shew his infallibility one way or another , and he has done it with a witness , for he 's most infallibly in the wrong . upon the whole , mr. bays , ( and i hope you have good nature enough to forgive me this small digression ) i make this observation , that saint peters successor can steer his ecclesiastical mackarel-boat with a side wind , if occasion serve , from any part of the bible , whether canonical or uncanonical 't is all a case . a little scripture at rome , i dare engage , will go farther than copper mony in ireland ; 't is not at present the commodity of the place , and i am very well satisfied that a man with a foot or two of scripture , nay rather than fail , with an ell of tobit , and the maccabees ▪ ( for we ought in conscience to make allowances for apocryphal ground ) to purchase a dozen of the best acres in the vatican planted with the most apostolical traditions . and this is a mysterie which i cannot comprehend . for if the notion of infallibility will solve all the phaenomena's of your religion , why for god's sake do you take sanctuary in the bible , and if the bible is necessary to support your pretentions , why do you so shamefully discard and abandon it , when it has done your business . this way of proceeding is so very brutal and ungenerous , that it puts me in mind of a late monarch , that was brought to his throne , and settled in it by a certain well-meaning church , and when he thought he had no farther occasion for her , very decently laid her aside for all her former services . as the case stands at present , your savoy-divines are as glad to be own'd by a friend in the new-testament , as a needy courtier is of being own'd by a city security ; but i profess i don't see the necessity of such a conduct . what other people may think i don't know , but i had much rather take the invocation of saints upon honest infallibilities word for it , than with bellarmine deduce it from that passage of iob , and he shall pray for thee . and a thousand times sooner take the half-communion upon the same credit , than pretend to justifie it as bishop fisher has done , out of give us this day our daily bread . 't is the most unaccountable nonsense in my opinion that a man can be capable of , to subpoena half a score witnesses to appear for him at westminster-hall , that when they are examined tell a clean contrary story , and so ruine his cause ; and this , mr. bays , i take to be the case of your own polemics , they freely upon all occasions ( as is manifest from their late pamphlets ) endeavour to prove all their tenets out of the bible , yet they manage the matter so indiscreetly that every tradesman can charge 'em with false inferences , and indeed after all their attempts , the holy pen-men will scarce be perswaded to serve an apprenticeship to the modern trade of misrepresenting ▪ now i cou'd acquaint 'em , mr. bays , with a certain method that shall preserve their reputation in all companies , let 'em pretend to miracles among the indians , to antiquity among the quakers , to holiness of life among the ranters , to unity among the independants , to loyalty and good works among the presbyterians , to decency of worship among the adamites , to learning among the anabaptists , and to the merits of their faith among the socinians : let e'm quote scripture before physitians , quote the fathers before ladies , talk of councils before souldiers , and conjure up the trinity before those that don't believe transubstantion : let 'em pretend to austerity of living among the beaux of the town , to universality among the muggletonians , and ( what must be carefully observed ) to tradition only among the courtiers , for they are a sort of people , that because they have no leisure to examine any religion , take it all upon trust . but among the established churchmen , i wou'd have 'em pretend to nothing at all , but their two undeniable talents ignorance and impudence . and now to our business again , mr. bays , — the true reason of imposing celibacy upon the clergy , was at first an ungovernable zeal , void of conduct and charity , a peremptory spirit of pride , and above all , a wild notion of attaining to an imaginary kind of perfection , which is only to be found among the people of sir more 's creation . this , mr. bays , is the true state of the business . for tho pope siricius , as i told you before , was so unadvised as to endeavour to prove celibacy out of the bible , yet others that managed the cause with more discretion , found it was not capable of that kind of protection , and therefore instead of so many texts to defend it , gave it a guard du corps of certain well-bred handsome gentlemen , which in the language of that age they called conveniences : however paphnutius stifled the motion at the council of nice , and the synod of gangra passed an anathema upon all those , that refused to receive the communion from a married priest. what gives me a farther prejudice to the matter in dispute , is the persons who first of all recommended it to the world. they were such that in heat of persecution had retired into the woods to preserve themselves from the fury of their enemies , where they had lived under a great deal of austerity and mortification , and indeed the places whither they fled for shelter , afforded no very agreeable accommodations . now these gentlemen , when the storm was over , and the church enjoy'd a little sun-shine , were for continuing that ascetic sort of life , which they first practised amongst the caves and deserts ; and tho they had lived so long out of the world , wou'd very discreetly impose laws upon those , who had always lived in it . from what has been said mr. bays upon this score , i wou'd not have you conclude that i am an enemy to celibacy , no one i am sure has more honourable thoughts of that easie unincumbred state than my self ; yet for all that , i am of opinion , it ought not to be forced upon a whole body of men without any distinction , but that every man should be left to his own discretion , to chuse that way of life , which seems most agreeable to his own inclination , and the sacredness of his character . four or five hundred old men they are conven'd in a council with those formal solemnities which such great assemblies generally make use of , have in my judgment no more authority to prescribe a continence ( which they themselves are past a capacity of losing ) to those of more youthful appetites , than the good people that live under the line have to command us in the north to go naked : the only revenge which the younger clergy cou'd return , wou'd be to condemn the use of spectacles in a full convention for unchristian and heretical , to order that whosoever cou'd not read a geneva-bible at two yards distance and vault over a five-barr'd gate , should forfeit his mitre , and that no one should presume to take holy orders , who would not oblige himself by a vow never to be guilty of wearing a beard , and who would not renounce both gout and palsie , as heartily as he did the devil and all his works at his baptism . should such decrees as these pass for the mortification of the right reverend fathers , i suppose they would be only taken for things of raillery and diversion ; and yet , mr. bays , celibacy is as much a jest upon humane nature , ( taking it in the gross ) as what i have just now mentioned . i wonder in my heart , that when they proceeded so far to refine the priesthood , as to think it possible for all of 'em to live without the other sex , that they had not likewise obliged 'em to go to stool but once a quarter , and that precisely at twelve a clock , and to subsist after the spiritual manner of the ancient knights errant , that never , as we read of , debased themselves with brutal eating and drinking . as our pulses , mr. bays , wou'd not cease beating , altho the whole college of physitians in a warwick-lane meeting should think it fit to lay an interdict upon 'em , so i don't question but nature will continue still to work after her usual manner , tho all the councils in christendom should lay all their heads together to muzzle her : and i fancy it is but small comfort to one of your fat overgrown friars when he finds he has a huge stock of love upon his hands , to imagine to dispossess himself of it all , by reading over pope hildebrand's canon against sacerdotal erections . indeed if i might have had my will , celibacy should have waited at least another age before it had been publickly enjoyned . after transubstantiation had been made a matter of my faith , i would then have freely consented to have celibacy established ; for certainly , mr. bays , i cou'd never think any thing too difficult for that priest to perform , that cou'd make his god at a minutes warning . bays . now i hope , mr. crites , tho you deny me a share in the other virtues , you 'l allow me to have a stock of patience sufficient to furnish all the married men and chymists in the nation at my own cost and charges , otherwise i am sure i cou'd never have heard out this tedious harangue of yours , which is full as troublesome as an irish genealogy , or to hear one of the city aldermen tell all the traverses of his fortune from his leathern breeches down to his scarlet gown . — nay i knew very well before hand what entertainment a discourse of chastity must expect to find among you pamper'd protestants ; but if you have any more to say upon this occasion , mr. crites , pray let me have it , for i promise you my attention . crites . thus , mr. bays , your celibacy , which presumption , and pride , and some few specious pretences first introduced into the world , was afterwards upon certain secular considerations espoused by the popes , till it was at last brought to that perfection in which we now see it . your western patriarchs , in order to erect that temporal monarchy , after which they so zealously aspired , found it requisite to make the clergy as much depending upon their see as was possible , and likewise to disengage 'em from leaving any natural pledges to the respective governments where they lived . therefore by virtue of a blind obedience which had for some time been paid to st. peter's chair , and if that fail'd to produce the effect , by virtue of a little thundring language , which at that age was as terrible to kings , as the twelve-penny-act is now to the vintners , they made a shift to wrest the right of investitures out of the hands of princes , to put themselves in capacity of gratifying their trusty agents abroad , and for the same reasons of state , they forbid the ecclesiastics all the world over to marry , lest when they should have occasion to use their assistance against their own natural princes , the squauling and cryes of their children should stifle the voice of his roman molocship . had your priesthood , mr. bays , really believed marriage to have been a sacrament that brought grace along with it , you may conclude from their taking away the cup , and several other retrenchments , that it had been a favour to be allowed only to the choicer sort of the laity , and that they themselves had been so far from denying matrimony to their own tribe , that i don't question but they would have pleaded some reverend tradition or other , nay interpreted the scripture so far to their own advantage , as to make it allow 'em the priviledge of poligamy , in order to secure themselves of as great a stock of grace as was possible to be had . bays . so , mr. crites , you have made a very pretty edifying discourse concerning this business , but as i informed you before , i was not insensible what usage such a mortifying doctrine as celibacy must of necessity meet amongst the sons of the reformation . you that have destroy'd religious houses , and to justifie the sacriledge , have always laughed at the austerites which are practised in a recluse life , are too far engaged to your dearly-beloved pleasures , to entertain a principle that so severely contradicts the dictates of flesh and blood . eugenius . nay , mr. bays , now you have gone a little too far in this matter , for we gentlemen of the schism ( as your party is pleased by way of raillery to call us ) are not so averse to a monastic life as you imagine : for my own particular , i wish with all my heart , that all the brain-sick statesmen , all the besotted lovers , and all the melancholly zealots , all the fine-dressing fops , all the doting kind keepers , all the enthusiastick poets , and all the superannuated whores , with the mighty multitudes of raving philosophers , and litigious attorneys , that are to be found in the kingdom of england , dominion of wales , and town of berwick upon tweed , were shut up within the four walls of some capacious monastery . — now for your diversion , mr. bays , if you please to afford me a hearing , i 'll repeat you a certain ode in horace , done by a certain friend of mine , which may serve to convince you , that we are not such enemies to nunneries and all that , as you have hitherto believed . bays . an ode in horace , mr. eugenius , that has any thing to do with nunneries ? why 't is impossible , and you are certainly mistaken . eugen. you 'll correct your opinion , mr. bays , as soon as you have heard it : 't is a translation of uxor pauperis ibyci tandem nequitiae pone modum tuae ; only somewhat new-modelled , and adapted to the present times . you must know it was calculated for the meridian of the dutchess of cl — land , but may indifferently serve any super-annuated court-whore in christendom — but pray listen . i. at length , thou antiquated whore , leave trading off , and sin no more , for shame in your old age turn nun , as whores of everlasting memory have done . ii. why do you still frequent the sport , the balls and revels of the court , or why at glitt'ring masques appear , only to augment , and fill the triumphs of the fair . iii. to ghent or brussels strait adjourn , the lewdness of your former life to mourn , there brawny priests in plenty you may hire , if whip , and wholsome sack-cloath cannot quench the fire . iv. your daughter 's for the amorous business made , to her in conscience quit your trade ; as when his conqu'ring days were done . victorious charles resign'd his kingdom to his son. v. alas ! ne're thrum your long disus'd guitar , nor with pulvilio's scent your hair , but in some lonely cell abide , with rosary and psalter dangling at your side . well , now mr. bays , pray give me your opinion of this same trifle , for unless i am mightily mistaken , there is a great deal of pious advice in it . bays . pious advice do you call it ? i 'd give my snuff-box here , which i value above all things in the universe i'gad , that i had that sawcy friend of yours , the author in the room . eugen. why what wou'd you do with him , mr. bays ? wou'd you draw upon him , and whip him decently through the lungs ? to my certain knowledge all sober counsel is thrown away upon him , for 't is a very graceless unrepenting block-head . bays . no , i should scarce give my self that trouble : but i 'd make him undergo such a course of pennance , that i believe he 'd scarce have a mind to meddle with horace , or any thing that looks like a nun in haste again . eugen. then i suppose , mr. bays , to make him do pennance for his translation , you 'd oblige him to read over your translation of st. xavier's life , and , if possible , to believe it ; or if a trespass in rhime must be attoned in rhime , to read over your noble poem on the birth of the prince of wales twice a day . bays . sir i don't understand why you should use all all this freedom with me , 't is an insupportable rudeness i gad , and i 'le have no more to with you — but mr. - a. you are a gentleman of a better temper , and pray resolve me this single question , before we suffer the business of celibacy to drop , has not the church authority to prescribe what laws she pleases to all her sons ? now i think i have nick'd you i gad — crites . faith little bays i am not willing at present to determine the bounds of the churches power , 't is as invidious a case as to make me assign the priviledges of the house of commons , which you know encrease every session ; a man will be apt to speak either too little , or too much in relation to such an affair . however i think the church had done very discreetly , if when she bound over her sons to the observation of celibacy , she had order'd 'em a dose or two of camphire every morning instead of so many prayers and ave-maries , and commanded 'em to be let blood every other day , that so he might have prevented all the scandalous consequences of a forced chastity . but i find that as mahomet , when he abridged his people the pleasure of drinking , to make 'em amends , gratifyed the other appetite by allowing women in abundance ; so likewise a certain church in the world mr. bays by placing no very great penalties on fornication , when she repealed the remedy for it , and by allowing the concubine to supply the place of the disbanded spouse , has made celibacy not so very uneasy a state , as people are apt at first sight to imagine . and this consideration is sufficient to perswade me , that conscience and devotion had no hand at all in the promoting of celibacy , let the divine law sink or swim 't is not a farthing matter with you , so long as the papal decrees are observ'd , where smaller trespasses are severely punished , and notorious sins meet with toleration ; as they say in the lake of sodom , feathers sink , and iron swims . all the world knows how remarkably costerus and several other of your divines have refined upon this point , and 't is observable in your canon law , that so many acts of fornication , are required to make the indictment large enough to comprehend a poor sinner , that they 'l excuse not only the immortal theodora's and marozia's of former ages , and the donna olympia's of this , but perhaps all the she-traders since the times of rahab , and lots daughters . a woman had need now a days ( if the doctrine of your church be true ) to live as long as one of the patriarchs wives before the flood , to have time enough to work out the painful and laborious character of a whore. but we , mr. bays , dare not play such tricks with religion , dubb vices by the name of virtues , or ( what is full as bad ) keep a disputable virtue at the expence of keeping at the same time an unquestionable sin ; whatever interest or advantage may suggest , we dare not make such large purliews for outlying consciences , not we , mr. bays . nobis non licet esse tam disertis , qui legem colimus severiorem . eugen. as my friend very well observes , mr. bays , we don't think it worth the while to maintain a controverted virtue at the expence of maintaining an uncontroverted sin , while you of the church of rome have never a virtue to boast of , that is not attended with some crimnal inconveniences . thus you maintain your pretended chastity at the expence of allowing publick fornication , your obedience to your patriarch at the expence of sacrificing your obedience to your natural prince , your monastic poverty at the expence of perjury and hypocrisie ; your unity at the expence of an unchristian inquisition , the grandeur of your worship at the expence of idolatry , your pretension to miracles and antiquity , at the expence of lying and forgery , your charity at the expence of superstition ; and lastly , the devotion of your people at the expence of ignorance , and the unpardonable sacriledge of taking away their bibles . crites . nay , sometimes , mr. bays , matters go worse with you ; as for example , when you perswade people to the utter undoing of their families , to leave all they have , to a lazy herd of spiritual gluttons , for the saying of their souls ; when you perswade young virgins in defiance of their parents , to run into a nunnery for the obtaining of heaven ; when you perswade wives to leave their husbands , husbands to leave their wives , kings to oppress their subjects , subjects to depose their kings for the remission of their sins ; this is , unless i am mistaken , making one sin compound and attone for another ▪ like a decay'd tradesman that borrows money in one place , and contracts a fresh debt , to pay off one of a longer standing . eugen. so now , mr. bays , if you think fit , we 'll shut our hands of celibacy , for i 'm as weary of it as a poet is of a discourse of religion , a young lawyer of navigation , a citizen of heraldry , or a courtier of trade ; we have dwelt too long upon this point , and 't is high time now to proceed to a new one . bays . well , sir , if you find it burns your fingers , i am content to drop it , not but that it is still tenable enough , and may be defended on to the end of the chapter — i shall then in the next place , consider the divisions of your church , which to confess the truth , chiefly prevailed with me to quit your communion . crites . this is very strange , mr. bays , for i think that man that leaves the church of england upon the score of her divisions , and then goes over to the romish party , is guilty of the same piece of wisdom , as he that to avoid an ague leaves the hundreds in essex , to go into the most unwholsome part of kent . eugen. or one that to avoid being cuckolded , removes his wife from cheapside into the pall-mall , or covent-garden . but prithee proceed , little bays . bays . it were an infinite trouble to reckon up all the sects and subdivisions into which the protestant religion is split , a man had better run the gantlet through a genealogy chapter in the chronicles , or ( what is worse ) read over one of ch-sw-lls weekly papers , that is stuff'd with the names of the scotch lords , than be bound to number them . and yet they all pretend to be in the right , quote scripture to support their cause , and damn one another as heartily as ever interloper did the east-india company . out of this passage let every thing be done decently and in order , the established church has rais'd the whole frame of her hierarchy , her ceremonies , and her liturgy , as you know in the late blessed times the fanatics out of curse ye meroz , rais'd several regiments of horse and foot for the service of the good old cause . on the other hand , because it is elsewhere written , that the christian devotion is to be perform'd in spirit and truth , those adamites in religion , your dissenting brethren , have stript her stark naked , and divested her of all those deceent ceremonies that she used in the purest and most primitive times . crites . very smartly argued , by my troth , mr. bays . bays . i wont mention ten thousand other particulars wherein you differ , for what i have already taken notice of , is sufficient for my purpose . now what relief is there to be had in this critical affair , how shall the differences be made up between you ? or how shall a man be satisfied which party is in the right , and which in the wrong ? all of them have texts of scripture to alledge for themselves , as well as you of the established church , and if you lead 'em a dance amongst the fathers , and appeal to their decision of the matter , why they 'll tell you , they mind what the fathers say no more than the bullies of the other end of the town mind one of my lord mayors proclamations for living soberly , and keeping the sabbath : alas those antiquated gentlemen of the three first centuries knew little or nothing of the power of the gospel ; one honest presbyterian weaver wou'd make no more difficulty of bantering a full dozen of 'em if he met 'em in his way , than one of your iniskilling men does of routing a whole regiment of irish : poor blind prelates , they had no more interest in christ , than the laplanders have in the guinea company ; and as for the hidden mysteries of grace , they are as unfit to be consulted , as a physician in a case of conscience , or one of the judges of the kings-bench about the longitude of the sea. thus you see , mr. crites , to what a pretty condition you have brought your selves ; you first of all began the trade of garbling fathers and counils , and reserving what made for your own interest and advantage ; and your brethren since have totally rejected 'em , or if they vouchsafe now and then to cite 'em in the margin , ( which let me tell you , is as extraordinary a condescension , as it is for a new-rais'd courtier to look upon a poor country relation ) 't is to make out some such knotty businesses as these , that temperance is the mother of all virtues , and drunkenness one of the greatest sins in the world. in such an intricate point as this , perhaps st. austin may have the favour done him to be sent for , as i knew one of the herd that quoted this quibble out of him , mane is gods adverb , and the devils verb ; and another that proved the suns dancing upon easter morning out of that remarkable passage in st. chrysostom , semel-in anno ridet apollo . not to be tedious upon this occasion , your divisions are chiefly owing to the want of an infallible guide , that should determine all controverted cases , and to your leaving every man to the liberty of interpreting scripture by his own fantastic imagination , or by the light of that farthing candle within him , the private spirit . crites . i must confess , mr. bays , you have now touch'd me in a very tender place , for there 's no man breathing that more passionately bewails the divisions of our church than my self : however , it has a very ill grace methinks in the mouth of a romanist to charge us with such an unhappiness , since in the first place you have as many divisions among your selves as we have , notwithstanding the pretences you make to an infallible judge ; and secondly , because we are only to thank your cursed missionaires for introducing and fomenting 'em , as is notorious to all the vvorld . you want to have your memory refreshed i suppose , with the noble contention that engaged one of your orders for half an age at least about the length of their cowls , which was managed with as much heat and vigour , as if the fate of the christian religion had wholly depended upon it : with the everlasting quarrels between the franciscans and dominicans , about the virgin mary's immaculate conception , which none of your unerring guides have thought fit yet to determine , for fear of disgruntling one of those powerful fraternites : with the late disagreements between the molinists , and iansenists , when the roman oracle pope alexander the th was pleas'd to tell 'em , pray gentlemen go home in peace , and let me perswade you to let this matter fall , for i never studied the point , and am no divine ; and lastly with the modern rise and growth of quietism , that was educated and refined even in the vatican palace , under the favour and protection of infallibility it self ; and tho it was lately fulminated , still makes a considerable party all over italy . i won't trouble my self with the endless wars of the schoolmen , but especially with the skirmishes that happen'd between the disciples of scaramouchi aquinas , and harsequin scotus , two learned theologues that made use of a heathen's help to cultivate christianity , and ploughed the barren fields of their controversies with an ox and ass , that is with an apostle and aristotle . these instances may serve to convince you , mr. bays , and particularly that last of the quietists , that for all the noise your infallible judge makes here among us , the tramontani with his spiritual thunder , and pretended vicarship , of what little use he is with his own domesticks , who converse with him , and see him daily , since under his own nose so pestilent a heresie could arise as to alarm the whole papacy . i am sure as many divisions disturb'd the first planted churches , as do ours of the reformation at present , when the world was furnished with at least a dozen infallibilities , and i don't question but that the same spirit of discord wou'd still continue to plague us , tho twelve hundred infallibillities were quarter'd all over the globe , to keep their masters peace . as for what you object to us in the next place , the libetty which some fantastical people among us use , interpreting the scripture , we are not at all accountable for it , since if they pleas'd to take better advice , and manage themselves with more modesty , they would seldom make use of the private talent , but suffer themselves to be determined by the councils and fathers of the three first unquestionable ages , as the establish'd church has done . we have indeed rejected ( what you call garbling ) many spurious works , that passed a great while under the protection of some great names , and this i am sure without any injury , or disrespect to the authors themselves ; as you know , mr. bays , a man may have a great esteem for your friend virgil , without believing him to be the writer of the aetna , and the priapeia , and will preserve a respect for the old testament , tho he cannot perswade himself that bell and the dragon has any relation to the canon . now tho i must freely grant you , that some seeming inconveniencies may ensue upon the promiscuous use of the bible , especially when it falls into dishonest hands , yet we don't think the abuse capable of justifying that sacrilegious rapine of taking it away , any more than the civil government is obliged to lock up all provisions , and prohibit vvine , to secure people from falling into fevers , and other distempers . bays . pray , mr. crites , before you proceed any farther in this matter , will you do me the favour to let me entertain you with part of a discourse , which i lately heard at one of our chappels , 't will satisfie you , i believe , that all people ought not to be made free of the scripture , and that the common reading of it has occasion'd all those disturbances , which have ever since invaded the peace of christendom . crites . with all my heart , mr. bays , begin when you will. bays . pray then be attentive — as long as the bible continued in honest st. ierom's latin , it was capable of doing little or no mischief ( said this learned father ) but afterwards when it was translated into the vulgar languages , it set all europe together by the ears , which i 'll illustrate to you ( said he ) by this following simile . eugen. prithee , dear bays , then let us have this simile , for i am the greatest lover of similes , and a bottle in the universe . bays . a flint , while it lyes in the fields obscure and unobserved , does no manner of injury , but when it 's once preferr'd to a tinder-box , why then ( beloved ) it begins to show the depravity of its nature ; for alas ! how great is the frailty of all mortal creatures , and what thing is there upon the face of the earth , that does not sensibly find the ill effects of keeping bad company ? this flint ( my brethren ) after some little time , contracts an acquaintance with a piece of steel , and they two resolve ( oh wicked resolution ) not to live in darkness , but by the assistance of their landlord , to inflame a certain neighbour of theirs , tinder by name . even so , mr. crites — crites . even so , mr. bays , the french when they could keep spire and wormes no longer , burnt them down to the ground ; and even so your church of rome , when it found the bible wou'd serve its interest no longer , either burnt it , or ( what is equally as bad ) pass'd an act to condemn it to everlasting oblivion . and for this blessed piece of policy , we are beholding to your infallibility , who found he cou'd never maintain his unrighteous acquisitions , till he had removed this unnecessary piece of lumber out of the way , as in the days of yore , the ladies of scythia put out the eyes of their gallants to keep them at home , and secure them from straggling abroad . eugen. now i chance to meet with him once more in my dish , i am resolved , mr. bays , to tell you two or three stories of him , which may serve to show you how well he deserves the glorious title he assumes . you are to understand , mr. bays , that the council of trent in their fourth session , left the reforming of the vulgar translation ( about which several complaints were made ) to the pope's care , and decreed that the latin version being thus amended , should be received for authentick in all disputes , expositions and sermons , so that it should not be lawful for any person afterward , upon any pretence whatever , to reject it : thus it pleased those learned divines at trent , to christen this hans en kelder . now sixtus quintus was the man that first took this work into his pious consideration , ( for as it happen'd , his predecessors either neglected , or forgot to put the above-mention'd decree of the council in execution ) and prefixed a specious bull before it , to acquaint the world , that having revised it with all the exactness imaginable , and printed it at the vatican , it was now to be received without contradiction all the world over . but oh the fates ! not long after , clement viii . found fault even with this translation , though it was ratify'd by his predecessors apostolical authority , and a good swingeing anathema into the bargain , expung'd whole words and sentences , restor'd several lections very different from sixtus's edition ; nay , contradicting it in many places : and in fine , made more corrections , alterations , amendments , and all that , than you did , mr. bays , either in shakespear's tempest , or milton's paradise lost . now 't is a plain case , honest mr. bays , that one of these two infallibilities , either size-cinque ( as queen elizabeth call'd him ) or clement viii . choose you whether you will , was most infallibly in the wrong . but because the pope's talent generally lyes another way than in the bible , and he may consequently be allowed to blunder in a book , that he is so slenderly acquainted with ; i 'll proceed to another instance , which is not altogether so excusable . pope gregory xiii . ( whose memory we are to curse for the many seminaries he erected ) took upon him the authority of altering the times , and making a new kalender . heretofore , as suetonius tells us , caesar correxit fastos pridem vitio pontificum per intercalandi licentiam turbatos . but now the emperour is not to be consulted in an affair which so nearly concern'd his civil government , and the roman pontif , instead of embarrassing the almanack as his predecessors had done in iulius caesars time , was the only man that lent his helping hand to reform it . the pope's politick fetch in this alteration , was only to embroil and intangle the protestants , especially those that lived in germany , and to ruine their commerce and correspondence in all civil matters with the catholick party . baronius very pleasantly justifies the divine authority of the gregorian kalender , by a pretended miracle of st. stephen's blood at naples , which ceased to bubble on the th of august , on which day st. stephen's body was first discovered , according to the old computation , and bubbled upon that which fell according to the new amendment . but yet it was ill done , with baronius's leave , to set the two kalenders at variance , when both of 'em had been equally countenanced by the miracle . now as i was saying before , the pope may be allowed to mistake in such an unsociable book as the bible is , as well as a new-made justice is allowed to make a false quotation , now and then , in his dalton , and his statute-book : but for a pope to make errours in an almanack ( as your friend gadbury will tell you pope gregory has done ) a book of which he makes so many men free in an years time , and which he ought to understand as well as a seaman should understand his compass , or my lord mayor stow's survey of the city ; for the pope , i say , to do such a thing , is the devil and all of a fault , and ought not to be forgiven him . talking of red letters and almanacks , has , i know not by what strange concatenation of thought , put me in mind of the persons that inhabit the almanack , and that naturally leads me to think of a late pope that composed a very scurvy difference between two inhabitants of that papal corporation . urban viii . had appointed the th of iuly , for ignatius's anniversary festival , upon which those of the society arriv'd to that pitch of confidence ( to give it no worse a name ) as to eject good st. german out of the kalender , where it seems he had enjoy'd that day without any disturbance for several hundreds of years , and underhand , set up ignatius in his room . this treacherous clandestine trick , gave a great deal of scandal to most of the well-meaning people of france , who had an extraordinary respect for the memory of st. german , and tho the prince of conde , who was of the jesuites party , pretended that ignatius appeared to him in rome , as he was on that day celebrating his festival , and was pleas'd to incourage his devotions ; yet they were not to be satisfy'd with any such sham stories , and the resentments , which the affront that their saint received had created in them , were not to be silenc'd with a foolish recital of a pretended vision . at last they brought their complaints before this infallible judge , who thus decided the controversie : that the festival of st. german and ignatius should be kept on the same day , but that if the two saints were not willing to stand together , that ignatius ( and all the reason in the world , since he was much the younger ) should ev'n wait for leap-year , and the odd day which happen'd , to be intercalated , should be laid aside for him — here 's a knotty point finely resolved for you , mr. bays , a protestant bishop cou'd as well carry his own cathedral on his back , as hold the scales even in such an affair , and make up the difference between a brace of saints ; but nothing i find is too difficult for your unerring guide to adjust — and now let me intreat you , mr. bays , to go on to some new point , for as i hope for a fresh bottle of burgundy , and a fresh mistress , i am already dog-weary of this . bays . you have hitherto taken the liberty , gentlemen , to contradict me in whatever i have proposed , but now i hope to attack you with undeniable matter of fact , and that is the novelty of your religion ; for — whatsoe're pretence her clergy heralds make in her defence , a second century's not half way run , since the new honours of her blood begun . crites . if it is but about two hundred years since the incarnation , i confess we can't pretend to a longer standing in the world than you have assign'd us , mr. bays . but now i have been told all along , that we stand two or three stories higher in chronology than you pretend . bays . stand as high as you please , i 'm sure you 're not a minute older than the german reformer . your ancestors were every man of them believers of transubstantiation , that is , in your charitable construction , rank idolaters . now if this allegation be true , pray what becomes of your boasted succession , for how an idolatrous church should convey true orders ( and elsewhere you don't pretend to have received them ) is as much a riddle to me , as how a man shou'd translate the psalms well , that copies them at second hand from hopkins's burlesque . eugen. nay we are not at this time of the day to wonder at the conduct of your catholick church ; to ruine our succession , mr. bays , she takes the same course that widdow black-acre did in the plain-dealer , that wou'd have sworn her self a whore upon record , only to disinherit her rebellious son ierry . crites . i find , mr. bays , you 're a meer indian in history . what , did you never hear of the famous contest between austin and the british bishops about their subjection to the see of rome , and how fatally it concluded ? did you never hear of the wiclevites at home , and of the waldenses abroad , which last herd of heretics as reinerus the inquisitor tells you , some people place as high as the times of st. silvester , and others as high as the very apostles ? bays . they may run 'em up to noah's flood with all my heart , and i assure you upon my word , mr. crites , i 'le never grudge you the honour of citing such worthy instances to prove your antiquity . crites . that is not the case , mr. bays , for i never mention'd 'em as tho we were descended in a down-right line from them , as they say the kings of scotland are descended from fergus , or as tho the merits of the reformation depended on 'em : but only to let you know that in some part of the world or other , there never wanted a generation of men , even in the darkest and most barbarous times , that opposed your innovations , and had the bravery to stem the tide of the papal usurpations . this might be made appear in every century , since your church parted with her maiden-head to the man of sin ; but because it is not to be done without an endless quotation of authors , which is a sort of vanity that i am not naturally very fond of , i shall ee'n refer you to the historia papatus for your farther satisfaction . some of your divines have been so civil to us , as to allow us the three first centuries , or at least to acknowledge that all those controverted points , wherein you and we differ , were not clearly established in the earliest times of christianity . the church , it seems , had afterwards fuller revelations of all these depending matters , and some christian doctrines , like china-earth , were to be buried under ground for a considerable time , before they were fit for a discovery , and the practice of mankind . thus , mr. bays , in the opinion of your best authors , who to be sure wou'd never pass such extraordinary complements upon us , if they cou'd otherwise help it , we have as much antiquity on our side as we can desire . 't is very true , that in succeeding times , your popes served the christian religion , as dr. oats served the popish-plot , they found a large foundation , upon which they raised several superstructures of their own ; now we only removed and pulled 'em down at the beginning of the reformation , so that we constituted no new church , ( as some of your dreaming scriblers pretend ) but only restored her to her primitive purity , and simplicity . bays . ay , ay , you have restored her with a witness , and you are to thank the wittemberg-revolter for setting you upon so pious a performance . as for my own part , by reading mr. walkers book of oxford , i have entertained such prejudices against him , that all the world can never remove 'em : and i heartily thank that learned author for making the following observation , that whilst the turk was attacquing christianity in the front at vienna , luther was at the same invading it in the rear in saxony . crites . i don't know , mr. bays , whether it is worth your while to take notice of such impertinent remarques , for at the same time you oblige us of the reformation to look a little into history , and see whether we cannot make the same returns upon you . i have read somewhere or other i am certain , that at the very same juncture when boniface set up for universal bishop , that mahomet was establishing his alcoran in arabia ; and to pass by the like occurences in former ages , the brussels gazette acquainted the world , that count hains the player , and my lord s-l-s-b-ry were reconcil'd to the church of rome together ; and every body in the city knows that moll . meggs and my lord s-nd-rl-nd were admitted into the popish chappel at white-hall on the same day . bays . however , mr. crites , i can scarce be perswaded that luther and the other bell-weathers of the reformation , were ever design'd by providence to restore the church to ( what you call ) her ancient purity , and to retreive her from a long habitual course of superstition and idolatry ( for by that cut-throat name you slander the received usages of the western church ) since they came not attended with the power of miracles , which is the usual badge of the missionaires of heaven , and for his part luther had nothing in him , to distinguish him from the rest of the world , but a peculiar talent of reviling princes , aspersing his superiors , and treating all his adversaries with insupportable insolence and scurrility . crites . as for his heats and passions we have no more to say , mr. bays , but that your infallible guides have not been without 'em , witness he that blasphem'd so heartily , for having only lost a peacock . now i wonder that you should fall so severely upon luther for the freedom he took with king henry the th ( for i suppose you had your eye upon him , when you tax'd the german just now with the reviling of princes ) when there 's scarce a priest , or scribler of your party throughout the kingdom , that has not assaulted that or any other princes memory with greater boldness and familiarity , who has had the hardiness to mortifie the churchmen : you need not be informed how that haberdasher of gerunds and supines scioppius the grammarian , used king iames the first . but a little warm raillery in a protestant i find is an unpa●donable sin , while the catholic cause sanctifies even the vilest ribaldry , and ascribes it all to the score of zeal and devotion . eugen. but why , mr. bays , should you think the worse of the reformation for its want of miracles ? we don't pretend to have raised a new church , and consequently don 't stand in need of 'em , and as for the miracles of our saviour and the apostles , we have as good a title to 'em as you can have . as for what relates to all those stupid ill-contriv'd prodigies and delusions , by which the monks have supported their superstitious practises , ever since the days of gregory the great ( to whom trajan was more beholding than to his master plutarch , for he pray'd him out of hell ) much good may they do you , and if i had a mind to curse any one heartily , methinks i cou'd not do it more effectually than by wishing him the late quakers stomach to devour all manner of offel , and for the second course , a faith capacious enough to believe all the senseless stories in iacobus de voragine , and l' escole d' euchariste . crites . under favour , mr. bays , i wou'd not have you rely too much upon the argument of miracles , for to my certain knowledge the best and the most gainful , nay i was going to say , the only distinguishing doctrine of your church , scorns as much to be defended by a miracle , as a gentleman of the town wou'd scorn to take a poet or a parson for his second in a duel . eugen. the doctrine my friend is talking of , mr. bays , will never pass the ordeal of miracle ; for to prove transubstantiation , a tenet that contradicts all our senses , by a miracle , which is a formal appeal to 'em , is as solemn a piece of nonsense as to go about to prove one of euclid's propositions out of littleton's tenures , or the circulation of the blood out of dr. chamberlain's apology for man-midwifery . crites . in this case , mr. bays , a miracle does the same mischief , as the saxons did in the case of the poor britains , it ruines the very cause it was sent for to support . if you believe a miracle is , as i told you , an appeal to the sences , 't is as impossible then to justifie transubstantiation by one , as , if you admit a dispensing power , to suppose there can be any such thing in the world as an inviolable magna charta for liberty of conscience . eugenius . but why mr. bays , should you expect that condescension in the almighty poet ( as you are pleas'd to call him ) which you wou'd severely condemn in an ordinary tragedian ? you know what horace says to this point , and perhaps he 's as good a casuist in the matter as any of your trent-divines . nec deus intersit , nisi dignus vindice nodus intererit — now most of your pretended miracles are delivered down to us by a pack of such dreaming unthinking sots , were wrought in such obscure places , under the protection of such a barbarous age , and what chiefly moves me , were performed for such trival insignificant ends , ( except you think the enriching a few strowling spiritual jugglers cause enough to put heaven to the perpetual expence of miracles ) that i had much rather believe there was never any such thing as a miracle since the creation , than receive all for such that your priests have recounted ; as i can sooner perswade my self there was never such a person as king arthur , than that he perform'd all those mighty exploits that the history relates of him . crites . now we are upon this subject mr. bays , there goes a golden saying of king iames the first , cited by my lord of st. albans . kings ought to govern by the received laws of their country , as god by the ordinary rules of nature , and ought as seldom to make use of their prerogative , as god does of his power of miracles . bays . and what of all that mr. crites ? crites . why , in my opinion 't is the noblest apothegm that ever any prince in the world was guilty of , and i wish one of his successors had followed the advice . i have not without a great deal of regret observed in the late reign , that the very same persons who make the almighty so familiarly violate the laws upon of nature every frivolous account , were the men that perswaded his vicegerent the late unfortunate king , to dispense with , that is , to break half the laws of his land , and all , for the noble end of gratifying a few starving irishmen , hungry converts , impudent priests , and needy officers . now as the prerogative must needs grow very cheap when it is prostituted to every sawcy petitioner , so must the power of miracles certainly fall into contempt , when they are challenged upon every inconsiderable pretence . eugenius . to the shame of your church be it spoken , the heathen poets were a great deal more civil to the deity than the writers of the saints lives among you have been : they never subpaena him to appear on the stage , or to hazard himself in a machine , but when an intricate perplex'd affair happens , which only a iupiter , or an apollo is capable of unravelling : but 't is otherwise with the monks ; for they 'l scarce let the saint whom they recommend , eat or drink , or sleep , or go to stool without a miracle to keep him company ; he never makes the sign of a cross , but the devil is in as great a fear , as an overgrown bawd at the sight of an unmerciful justice ; and when the freak takes him to preach alone in the fields , as st. francis and st. anthony have done , the birds and beasts make an audience for him , and listen to his harangue with as much complaisance and attention , as a midwife to a discourse of a procreation , or a city prentice to a story of knight-errantry . bays . and is not this a down right calumny mr. eugenius ? why do you father any such reproachful things on the writers of our communion ? i dare engage to forfeit all my acres in parnassus if a syllable of such extravagant stuff , as you have mention'd , is to be found in any of their books . eugenius . why thou art as unacquainted i perceive with the historians of your own church , as a iapannese with the affairs of europe , or the lyncei at rome with the beaux of covent-garden . therefore prithee do but read some half a score pages in any of the volumes of bollandus , ( for your house mr. bays is no more able to contain the whole book , than it is to lodge a whole troop of horse ) and you 'l find to your great satisfaction how finely you have fool'd your self out of your plantation in parnassus . he , and father cressy , and the rest of your miracle-mongers have served those excellent persons , whose lives they pretended to write , just as some late translators have served our friend horace ; that instead of making him more ( 't is your own observation mr. bays ) have made him less . so that i fancy what mr. cowly has advised in his ode about wit , iewels at nose , and ears but ill appear , rather than all be wit let none be there , ought to be carefully observ'd in the present case ; rather than every thing , that any of your saints does , be miracle , let not so much as one single miracle be seen about him . bays . but what say you gentlemen to the life of st. xavier which i translated the last year out of pere bouhours ? i am apt to flatter my self it met with no unkind reception in the world , for as yet i have not seen any public exception made against it . crites . as for my self mr. bays , i seldom troub●e my head now with reading any such kind of histories , for a man that has read but one or two lives of your saints may almost swear he has read all the rest , so uniform a spirit of lying , and so small a variety is there in all of 'em ; just as under the reign of whig and tory , we used to say , if you had turned over one observator , you had virtual and in effect read all the following . eugenius . nay mr. bays , 't is a sad truth , that there 's as undiscernable a difference in the lives of your saints , as in the history of the seven champions , where killing of monsters , relieving of ladies , and breaking of enchantments belongs in common to all : to oblige you then with the scheme of such a life from the saints cradle down to his canonization , 't is in short thus : he forbears to suck by a strange kind of instinct on wednesdays , and fridays , but i should have told you before , that his mother must of necessity have some odd dreams about him before she 's delivered , and afterwards , when other children are making durt-pyes , and snipping paper , you may be sure to find him in the parlor , scoring crosses on the wall , with a little table in the corner placed altar-wise , and two or three farthing candles upon it . then at the university he takes his learning as fast as hops , and runs over the vast fields of school-divinty in a less compass of time , than the french army over-ran alsace and the palatinate . bays . a very fine piece of drollery this , mr. eugenius . eugenius . when he writes man , visions and revelations become as familiar to him as duns to a young student at the temple ; he 's very frequently disturb'd at his devotions by the devil , and never fails upon occasion to be even with him , to whom at last he appears as terrible , as a begging forreigner that talks only latin to a country school-master . he passes through ne're a village but he cures more diseases in a day , than the colledge does in a twelve-month , and so ruins half the apothecaries for five mile round him ; however to make amends he takes care always to go as ragged as a broken chymist , or a petitioner against the woollen act , and therefore was never guilty of that damnable sin of breaking a taylor or mercer . he never paid a farthing for horse-hire in his life time , but takes a strange delight in walking up to the knees in dirt , and no meat pleases him so well as that which comes in an alms-basket . upon occasion he turns his own chirurgion , and lets himself blood with his discipline , which he carries as certainly about him , as a puny pretender to wit does his common-place book . bays . why , surely the devil 's in thee , mr. eugenius , wilt thou never have done ? eugen. his other diversions and amusements are to visit such a shrine , or such an image , ( for he can no more pray without such helps , than an old fumbler can perform without an aretine , or so , to improve his fancy ) where he finds very strange emotions in himself , and then 't is ten to one but he falls into a fit of preaching , and reclaims a thousand people from their vitious courses in a moment . above all , he has a fine knack of feeling mens pulses in the confessional , 〈◊〉 whom he prescribes a tedious pilgrimage , or a large alms for the health of their souls ; he is an exact payer of obedience to his superiors , and requires it as severely from his own disciples , tho he employ'd them only to water a dead tree , or to count how often the sails of a wind-mill turn in a days time . at last , death takes hold of him by way of revenge , for rescuing so many people out of his clutches before , and then he acts the counter-part to sampsons story , and cures more diseased persons after his decease , then he did in his life time . his beads , his crucifix , nay , his very tooth-picker , begin to trade for themselves , and work miracles , and happy 's the man that has got a piece of his sandal but as big as a half-crown , for 't is an infallible cure for the stone and gout . he has more people come in a year to visit his shrine , than to come to see the toombs at westminster , or the lyons in the tower , and more crutches of all sizes hang about his tomb , than all the baths in christendom can boast of . in fine , to compleat his happiness , his trusty master of rome , for all his faithful services , translates his soul to heaven , his picture or image , to some stately chappel built in memory of him ; and lastly , prefers his name to the almanack . bays . well , sir , have you made an an end of your rambling speech at last ? i warrant you , i shall have a care of you for the future , and not give you the like occasion for trespassing upon my patience . but prithee tell me , dear mr. crites ( for we have hitherto talked nothing to the purpose ) what is your opinion of the life of st. xavier ? crites . why truly , mr. bays , i must needs own that 't is writ with more caution than generally such kind of lives are , and as for the language and the ornaments of the stile , i have nothing to except to them , for without any more ceremony , they are extreamly fine , both in the original and in the translation . bays . nay , now you rejoyce the cockles of my heart , honest mr. crites ; oh i love dearly to have my pieces commended , and all that , by a person of understanding : i'gad i do , mr. crites , 't is the greatest refreshment in the world. prithee , dear rogue , let me hugg thee to pieces . come , i 'll give thee a dish of tea for this — crites . but notwithstanding , mr. bays — bays . how , mr. crites , do you attack me in the rear with a but , and a notwithstanding too ? no mortal breathing can bear it . what you are going to kick down the milk you have given ? crites . 't is but your own way , mr. bays , as you may remember in your verses upon mr. oldham , where you tell the world that he was a very fine ingenious gentleman , but still did not understand the cadence of the english tongue . bays . very true sir , but what have you to say to the notwithstanding ? crites . well then , mr. bays , to make friends with you , i 'll leave out the notwithstanding . but as i was saying before , i don't well apprehend the policy either of writing , or translating such a book . the design of the history runs upon this key , here was a saint that converted whole kingdoms to the christian religion , he raised people from the dead , he cured all manner of diseases ; in short , his whole life was nothing but a continued series of wonders and miracles , therefore the doctrines he taught were infallibly true , and the roman church , of which he was so zealous a member , teaches nothing disagreeable to the will of heaven . this is the summ and substance of the book , is it not , mr. bays ? bays . no body makes a question on 't , as i know of . crites . very good . now ( say i ) what advantage cou'd the author propose to himself by writing such a book . he knew very well that we hereticks did not believe a syllable of the miracles wrought here by the fathers of the society in europe , and did he then imagine we could ever be brought to believe all their pretended miracles in the east-indias . this is such a piece of stuff , as if a man that ask'd me to lend him half a crown , and i thought fit to deny him that small summ , should therefore desire me to lend him a guinea . — negavi mille tibi nummes , millia quinque dabo ? no mr. bays , our understandings are not altogether so irish , as to be thus impos'd upon . the late leige-letters , and the fine account they sent to rome of the progresses they made in converting the three kigdoms , have sufficiently instructed us , what a share of faith is to be given to the disciples of ignatius . if a protestant had been worth the saving , methinks they might have allow'd us one miracle at least here at home . it had been as necessary i am sure as in china or iapan . eugenius . so now mr. bays , what complements have you in store for this honest friend of yours ? oh 't is a fine thing to have one's performances commended by a person of judgment ! it comforts and relieves the poor heart infinitely beyond daffy's elixir , or the ros florentinus . bays . nay i gad , i think the devil himself can't tell me , to which of you two i am the most indebted . crites . besides mr. bays , there are ten thousand passages in that history , even too gross for a laplander's apprehension . cou'd not the honest father drop his crucifix in the sea , but a crab must be presently employ'd to bring it ashore ? cou'd not he go a ship-board as well as other people upon their lawful occasions , without entailing a miracle upon it , and preserving it afterwards from the injuries of wind and weather ? cou'd not he dye after the usual rate of mankind , but an old image at his father's castle must out of pure pitty drip at the very same moment ? cou'd not a poor taper or so burn before his image , but the very droppings of it must immediately cure all manner of infirmities ? cou'd not he be content to instruct the infidels after the plain manner of the old apostles , without teaching them the confiteor and the ave-mary , and leaving them that foolish catechism , which you may find copied in ludovicus dieu ? cou'd he with any safe conscience reprove the bonza's for cheating the poor people of their money , and pretending to return it them with usury in the next world , and then instruct them in the doctrines of his mother church about private masses and purgatory , which practises the very self same imposture ? bays . well , sir , after this rate you may ridicule every thing in the world , if you please . crites . i profess , mr. bays , i don't see any reason why the saint should fall so severely upon those indian recluses , the bonza's , as the history informs us he did , since they led no other lives , than the monks generally do here in christendom ; they pretended to a great deal of austerity when they walked abroad , and in their private cells gave themselves over to all the licentiousness imaginable , hypocrisie was their peculiar talent , and they were expert masters at the trade ; one principle they held , which is , i am sure , orthodox enough , and very agreeable to the sentiments of your church , viz. that poverty is a damnable sin , and no one can be saved who has not the grace to be rich. methinks for the sake of this single doctrine the pious father might have been enclin'd to pass by their other infirmities , and look upon 'em not as meer infidels , and aliens , but as half-converts , and fellow-labourers in the vineyard . eugen. my friend has already told you , mr. bays , to what little purpose the author writ the history of st. xavier : prithee then tell me what advantages you cou'd propose to your self in the translating it ? was it to get a pretty round sum of money , or so , from your friend t-ns-n ? come , i saith little rogue thou must tell me the reason . bays . must , mr eugenius ? what do you give the must to a man of my character and gravity ? were reasons as cheap as black-berries , i 'de not give you one i gad upon compulsion . what must give you a reason , dear mr. eugenius ? eugenius . why if that won't do , mr. bays , i intreat and conjure thee , as thou hopest for no famine in this world , and no gnashing of teeth in the next , nay as thou hopest for preferment for the virtuous sons of thy body , and a good third day for the last issue of thy brain , don sebastian , to acquaint me with the reason why thou didst undertake the aforesaid translation . bays . nay , now you accost me with civil language and all that , i can deny you nothing : you must know then that 't was purely done for the sake of the late queen , when she gave the people hopes of obliging 'em with a prince of wales . st. xavier was the card she depended upon ; and let me tell you he 's a person that never fails to oblige his votaries . eugen. the reason is , because he has liv'd but a short while in the calender , but when he has passed an age or two there , 't is ten to one but he 'l grow as sleepy and unmindful of his clients , as the rest of his brother saints have done . we see the same things practised by our lawyers ; when they first set up for themselves , nothing can be more diligent in attending all manner of causes than they are ; but when they have once acquir'd a reputation and an estate , you may dance attendance a long while at their chambers , before you can get 'em to mind your business . crites . i find , mr. bays , you of the church of rome are as passionately affected for a new saint , as the gentlemen at this end of the town are for a new play , a new tavern , and a new mistress ; you know how the late famous cardinal of millain st. carlo has overtopt the name of venerable st. ambrose . but prithee tell me how st. xavier came to be pitcht upon in this weighty affair , one that had herded so long amongst the indians , and besides was not half so well acquainted with the condition of europe , as his contemporaries st. ignatius , and st. francis de sales were ? bays . for a very good reason sir. the late queen-mother of france you must understand for a long time had no children , and tho she used the most effectual means in the world to remove her barreness as the — eugen. as the help of cardinal mazarine — bays . prithee , mr. eugenius , don't disturb me thus , as the prayers of the church , and the advice of her physitians , yet all would not do : at last she was happily perswaded to recommend her self to the protection of st. xavier , nor was the counsel long with out answerable success , for to his powerful intercession she owed the present king of france , lovis le grand . eugen. nay if any thing on this side hell had a hand in praying for so choice a blessing , i dare swear it was one of the society ; and so , mr. bays , because st xavier met with such success in france , it was believed he 'd meet with the like in england , and procure us an heir apparent to the crown . we have already seen the blessed effects of his mediation , and i am afraid the poor saint will find it a harder business by far to pray his prince of wales into a throne , than he found it to pray him into the world. — i am in good hopes , mr. bays , you have not many more objections now in store to make against the church of england , for methinks we have been discoursing along while about her , therefore pray dispatch . bays . for your comfort , gentlemen , i have only one objection more to make , and then i have done : you may think it somewhat strange perhaps for a person of my profession to quarrel with your church for her want of discipline , and observation of fasting days , and lastly , because i am willing to sum up all my forces at parting , for her want of ceremonies , and that grandeur , which is requisite to support every religion in the world , but yet i have done it . — i gad i have gentlemen — crites . i must confess , mr. bays , it looks as odd for a poet to be angry with any religion , because it is not guilty of rigour , and severity , as for a bawd to quarrel with the government of the city , because it does not hang , draw , and quarter all people that have committed fornication : such an objection from a poet is altogether as unnatural , as it wou'd be for an atheist to find fault with the translation of lucretius ; or for a parson that carries three steeples in his pocket , to condemn the church for allowing of pluralities . bays . well , you may pursue your drollery as far as you please , but in my opinion your church is guilty of a certain sin , with a damnable hard name to it , and the learned dr. walker calls it an autocatacrisis ; that is , you need no adversary to arraign you in the present case , for you condemn your selves . in your ash-wednesday service , you wish the primitive discipline were restored again , you wish i say it were restored , but it never proceeded any farther , for you never attempted any thing in order to establish it since the reformation . crites . we may e'en thank your infallible guide for that , and no one besides ; he for a long time had taken the power upon him to lay aside the old penitentiary canons , and instead of those severe mortifications , which the primitive church inflicted upon offenders , either imposed pecuniary mulcts , or else enjoyn'd the people for the attaining an absolution , to go and be knock'd in the head in the holy-land , or else to be damn'd in his service in fighting against heretics at home . however mony was still the powerful business , and whatever the offence was , mony still aton'd for it . now after so long a disuse of the ancient discipline , the reformers found it as impracticable a thing to introduce it on the sudden , as it would be for the present government to revive all the old penal statutes , that have lain dormant ever since henry the seventh . bays . this is a very good jest i gad , mr. crites , we have ruined ( you say ) pennance , and utterly confounded it , as if it was not still received for a sacrament amongst us , and kept up to the highest rigour and austerity . well , i perceive you are not so well acquainted with the constitutions of our church as you should be ; alas ! you know nothing of the pilgrimages we enjoyn , or of the religious exercises we prescribe in such cases . crites . yes i do , mr. bays , but still i tell you mony will make up all matters , and repair the greatest breaches you can mention : as for your other punishments they are so very foolish and ridiculous , that they are almost beneath any mans consideration to expose ' em . eugen. a whore has committed fornication , and acquaints her father confessor with it . go ( says he ) to loretto , or st. winifreds - well , and there be sure you repeat so many prayers a day , and leave some small token behind you at the altar ; and then according to the civility of your religion , he gives her absolution ; for 't is the complaisance of your church to grant a full release before debt be discharged . away she goes , and if barefoot , so much the better ; but 't is an even lay , that before she reaches her journeys end , she is guilty of that sin a hundred times over , for which the pilgrimage was enjoyn'd her . crites . a tradesman for some honest cheats that he uses in his vocation , is enjoyn'd after the like manner to beat the hoof to the next saints shrine , and there pay his devotions : now what kind of commerce the priest keeps with the solitary lady , all the while that the poor husband is upon his april-errand , is not difficult to imagine . for when such an intreague is design'd , the spiritual guide takes the same care to remove that evil counsellor , the cuckold , as the popes did to send the western princes out of the way by a crusade , when they were laying the foundations of their temporal greatness . in short , those idle unaccountable performances that your church requires , you must call pennance , by the same figure only , as you call eating the best fish , and drinking the best wine , a religious fasting . bays . now you remind me of fasting , which is a duty that you of the reformation so seldom practise ; pray tell me how you can excuse your selves for so unpardonable a failure , or what you have to object to us in that particular . eugen. i shall make use of no other answer , mr. bays , than what you have already furnished us with in one of your plays . 't is the return of an honest indian in the conquest of mexico upon an impertinent spaniard , that was discoursing the very same things upon this occasion as you have done . cheaply you sin , and punish each offence , not with the souls , but bodys abstinence ; first injure heaven , and when its wrath is due , your selves proscribe it how to punish you . there are abundance of very smart reflections in the same scene upon the pope's supremacy , and the sawciness of your priests ; for to say the truth you spare 'em no more when ever you meet 'em conveniently , than the french privateers do the english merchant-men ; but this being written , before you receiv'd your last illumination , i shall urge it no more upon you . however , mr. bays , to deal plainly with you , there 's no such thing as fasting in your church , especially amongst people of any quality , unless you 'l ridicule the regaling one self with the most provoking meats , and the most generous wines by that name . the poor indeed fast in the literal sense , because they can't help it , otherwise they might make a shift to relieve nature well enough ; and with such kind of devout fasters every church in the world is sufficiently stock'd , and ours amongst the rest , for you may find large herds of 'em every day in the temple-walks , the irish coffee-house , or the piazza's in covent-garden . eugen. the truth on 't is , mr. bays , you had done much better to have let this business of fasting and all that alone ; because amongst friends be it spoken , to charge us with that , which you your selves practise with such dexterity of management , looks as odd as it wou'd be for a protected parliament mans man to rail at the priviledges of alsatia ; or for one of pen's herd to rail at the five bishops for not swearing to the present government ; or lastly , for one of the heralds at arms to quarrel with chaplains and poets for flattering of families . — the other plea about ceremonies is a thousand times more justifiable , and to say the truth , is the only proper objection that a dramatic poet can make to the reformed religion . bays . well i am glad however , that once in my life-time , i had the grace to light upon something which is proper ( as you call it ) and sutable to the occasion . i gad i utterly despair'd of meeting you in so good a humour , for hitherto you have us'd me like an infidel , and denied every thing which i propos'd — and now , gentlemen , let me see how you 'l excuse the dishabillé of your church as to the point of ceremonies . you cannot but be sensible how solemn and august the church of rome is in her devotion , but you i am sure can pretend no such matter . crites . very right , mr. bays , we cannot , while the people of your communion have nothing but show and ceremony in their publick worship , as in the lives of their saints they have nothing but sheer miracle to entertain ' em . we have as much ceremony i 'm sure as decency requires , as much as is sufficient to hide the nakedness of religion , and to use any more we think it as great a solecism as it had been for adam when he only design'd to cover his nakedness , to have cloath'd himself all over with leaves , like the green man in the distillers coat of arms. eugen. 't is otherwise with you , mr. bays , for you have laid so much italian paint upon the matron , that 't is scarce discernable of what complexion she is , whether christian or pagan . we yield to you i confess in the gayety and chargeable dress of devotion , and the reason of it is very plain , for it has ever been the talent of the wicked world to cultivate superstition with more expence and cost , than the truth it self ▪ as you know most of the limberhams of this end of the town keep their misses a great deal finer than their wives . the religious of the three first ages , tho it must be acknowledged that out of a principle of decency they admitted as much ceremony as was consistent with the nature of christianity , yet they never carryed the matter to such extremities as afterwards they were ; they placed no sanctity in the observation of them , and the ceremonies they retain'd wanted no theolological dictionaries , or rationale's to explain them , they were obvious to the meanest apprehension , and entertained upon solid substantial grounds ; such as the promotion of piety , and the like , and not for amusing the ignorance of the people , or for advancing the interests of an ambitious priesthood . 't is indeed very true , that every nation of the world tinctur'd the christian religion when it came into their hands , more or less , with the customs of their own country . this is visible from the conduct of the graecians , who being some of the earliest receivers of christianity , modell'd it in a short time according to their own fancies and inclinations ; they were a free generous drinking people , and accustom'd all along to make much of themselves in their sacrifices , and libations ; and so when they made profession of a new religion , which one would have thought might have restrain'd them from sueh extravagancies , yet they were resolved to introduce good eating , and good drinking , into their churches ; and so they did , till at last their entertainments grew so very scandalous , and irregular , that they were obliged to lay them aside . on the other hand , the italians , who had the advantage of recommending their own scheme of religion , to this part of the western world , by having the imperial seat in their own country , were naturally inclined to musick and painting , and all that pageantry that serves to entertain the senses . this sort of divertisement , failed not after some time to creep into the church , and as we read , the old romans used upon some extraordinary occasions , to make whole cities , nay , provinces , and countries , free of their city ; so their successors , afterwards out of the same principle of latitude and generosity , made either all , or most of the old pagan ceremonies , free of the christian religion . the spaniards , in their mosarabic service , which still continues in some churches in spain , made use of horses , and morris dancing , which , as a certain bishop pleaded for them at the council of trent , were very significant ceremonies ; and so without question they were , for horses might be excused out of that verse in the psalms , where it is said , he rides upon the heavens as it were a horse : and as for dancing , besides that it is sufficiently countenanced from the levites dancing before the ark , may very symbolically denote that our souls ought to observe the same agility in the peformance of spiritual duties , as our bodies do in that nimble exercise . if the danes had had the opportunity of prescribing a mode of worship to the world , i make no question but kettle-drums had been by this time iure divino , and used in churches , as well as the ladies in america keep up the drinking of chocolate in their churches , a custom which their priests indulg'd them in long before their conversion ; and which , as mr. gage informs us , they still continue . one that reads in livie all that foolish superstition that was practis'd in old rome , and sees the same , if not a great deal grosser practis'd in the new , would certainly conclude that the popes had transcrib'd all their ceremonial out of him , so that it had been very well for you , mr. bays , if gregory the great could have totally destroy'd that authors works as he endeavour'd , for then , perhaps , you had either not practis'd that idle pageantry which now you do , or else you might have passed for the inventors , whereas we now very well know whence you had the originals . in athenaeus's time , the receipt of making holy water , was by taking a fire-brand from the altar , and dipping it into the water ; you retain in your church much such a sort of water , but only differ in the making it ; you pour in some salt , and then exorcise the devil out of both the creatures before he was ever in them , and afterwards ascribe the lord knows what efficacy to this rare composition ; but for all that , i believe athenaeus's holy water , if a man would try it , is as good as yours to all intents and purposes , and confers a much grace to such as discreetly use it . durandus , and the doway-catechism , give several pious reasons for the sacerdotal tonsure . now herodetus tells us , the very same custom was used by the aegyptian priests , but they , as we are informed by him , did it not upon the score of religion , but only to keep themselves from being lousy ; and no question on 't , shaving in that hot climate , where you see the fashion first began , was very commendable , and as i take it , requisite for the laity as well as the clergy ; and this reason i look upon to be ten times more satisfactory and solid , than what your divines give for the tonsure , for it 's the easiest thing in the world , to turn that into a religious observation which at first was only a civil custom , and then to give abundance of fine plausible reasons for the doing of it . a man might easily trace the rest of your superstitious practices , and tell you whence you had them , but that , mr. bays , would require too much time , and therefore i shall on purpose pass them by . that which vexes me most , is to see that the people of your communion are not content to do these foolish ridiculous things , but they must offer such reasons for them , as if they were of divine institution . let him kiss me with the kiss of his mouth , therefore the priest must kiss the altar . thou shalt see my back parts , therefore the priest must turn his back to the people . wash me again , therefore the priest must wash his hands twice . put off thy shooes for this place is holy . therefore the bishop at mass must change his shooes and stockings . christ is the rock , and therefore the altar must be of stone ; and therefore ( say i ) if such reasons as these will hold water , two priests may play a game at cards upon the altar , and do no harm at all but edify the congregation ; for the ace may put them in mind of the unity , and the tray of the trinity , and the knave of iudas ; and so on , till they have run through the whole history of the christian religion . and thus likewise they may play at sword and buckler , to signifie the perpetual scuffle between the flesh and the spirit , and what a fine buckler faith is ; and thus instead of incense , they may smoak a pipe of tobacco ( which by the by , is less chargeable than incense , and will serve much better to fright the devil out of church ) to denote that sinful man is dust and ashes , and to represent the conflagration to them . thus they may play at blind-mans buff , to show how blind the sons of adam are in their natural state , and and thus they may do ten thousand such freaks as these , and yet not want very good reasons to support the practice of them , because there is nothing in the world too fulsom , and gross for superstition to swallow , and for ignorance and interest to justifie . and now , mr. bays , we have run over all the objections you made against the church of england , and endeavoured to answer them . now if you please to perform the second part of your promise , and give us your reasons why you settled in the romish communion , you 'll extreamly oblige us . — but first , boy , fill us a dish of tea apiece — bays . well , gentlemen , i shall give you my reasons , tho i must tell you beforehand , i expect no other answers to them but banter and drollery , from persons of your complexion . but as i have already been a confessor for my religion , so ( if my destinies require it ) i am ready to be a martyr for it , as my brother poet prudentius was before me . crites . oh , i understand your meaning , you have lost your laureats and historiographers place ; whether you abdicated or forfeited it , is not now the question — here , boy , give mr. bays a dish of tea — and now , dear confessor , prithee begin . bays . to make short work of it then , being well satisfy'd of the truth of the christian religion ; but — crites . and was 't thou so little bays ? but how can a man believe thee ? come , if the truth were known , i am sure thou hast the alcoran in the belly of thee ; nay , don't despair , dear confessor , louis le grand will set the great turk upon his leggs again , one of these days . bays . nay sir ▪ if you are at that sport i have done . eugen. why prethee mr. bays , i took thee for a man of more philosophy and all that , than to be thus disturb'd for so small a matter . i thought you had been of socrates's opinion , that all creatures could not affront you . bays . i am indeed sir , and thank you heartily for reminding me of him , so now i 'll proceed — being , as i told you , very well satisfied of the truth of the christian religion , but not so well satisfied that the church of england was the true church ; i cast my eyes round about me , and discover'd in the church of rome several particulars which no other communion of christians in the world cou'd pretend to , as infallibility , unity , uiversality , antiquity , and clemency , and therefore here i settled . after some conversation and experience , i found here to be a church of so severe a discipline , so examplary a devotion , so admirable an unity , so majestic a grandeur , that i believe i may be pardon'd the expression , if i say she has been so far from debauching and corrupting , that she has even improv'd the christian religion . crites . nay , i 'll say that for your church , mr. bays , she has as good a hand at improving of hints , as ever any church in the world had . as for example , the rhetorical apostrophes and flourishes of the first fathers to the saints , she has improved into a solemn invocation of them . eugen. the idle conjectures of some melancholly persons , about a middle place in the fourth century , she has improv'd into a real purgatory , peopled it with inhabitants , and by certain refrigerium's so corrected the unwholesomness of the air , that it wou'd be now nothing nigh so great a punishment to pass a winter there , as any where under the line . crites . the virgin mary's salutation she has improved into a prayer , the real presence into a corporal one , the civil respect that was formerly given to the relicks of martyrs into a religious veneration of them . eugen. primitive institution left us only two sacraments , which she has since improv'd into seven . the first missionaries of our religion , bequeath'd but twelve articles to be believ'd by us , and she has lately improved them into the jolly number of aff's buckram-men , twenty four . crites . st. paul tells us of one mediator only that makes continual intercession for us ; and she has been so civil , as to furnish us with above forty thousand . universal tradition has handed down to us but twenty two books in the old testament , and she has added the apocrypha , and may in due time , if she summons another council at trent , introduce the talmud into the canon . thus , mr. bays , your catholick church has improv'd the christian religion with a witness , made the porch bigger than the building it self , and renew'd the miracle of the loaves and fishes , where the voider exceeded the bill of fare . eugen. let us now turn the tables , mr. bays , and see whether your church continues still in this giving humour ; it would certainly exhaust the treasure of any church in the universe , to be always issuing out largesses , and never retrenching her expence ; and therefore it may be worth our while , to examine whether the roman church , that has been guilty of so much profuseness one way , has not made as many retrenchments another way , to ballance her accounts . the apostles left us the scriptures in common , as a part of our property and inheritance , but she for certain prudential considerations , has thought to keep them under lock and key . crites . primitive institution left us the sacrament under both kinds , bibite ex hoc omnes is the word , but she has retrench'd us of the cup. our religion allows us a free possession of our reason and senses , but she obliges us to renounce them . the scriptures only forbid marriage within the degrees of consanguinity , but she has forbid it within the degrees even of a spiritual relation . eugen. the apostles left us at large exempt from the iewish observations of clean and unclean , but she has introduced them again . praestat nubere quam uri says you know who ; no , by no means cries the hind , let the priests rather commit incest , sodomy , and adultery , than be allow'd the liberty to marry . thus you see , mr. bays , what the sea gives in one place , it takes away in another ; and thus your mother church of rome , if she gives with the right hand , she takes away with the left , to make amends for her extraordinary charges , just as you see some gentlemen , of this end of the town , discard their servants , and pinch their families , to put themselves in a capacity of keeping a glass-coach , and a single pair of horses . bays . well , gentlemen , you have both of you run your selves out of breath with this discourse , but not a word all this while of infallibility . crites . oh dear confessor , i am obliged to you , for refreshing my memory as to that point , for i love infallibility extreamly . i am clearly of thy opinion , little bays , that infallibility , if it were any where to be found , were worth both testaments , and cast all the creeds in christendom into the bargain ; and now i 'll tell you a story . there was a certain country gentleman , no matter for his name , or where he lived , but he had read the sadducismus triumphatus , and was so mightily taken with dr. more 's notion of a vehicle , that he could not rest , till he had bought him a vehicle , call'd in english a calash ; so he eat and drank in his vehicle , and slept in his vehicle , and lay with his wife in his vehicle , and got an heir apparent upon her virtuous body in his vehicle ; and vehicle was his name — a. baye . and what of all this , prithee ▪ here 's a story with all my heart . crites . why , as foolish as it is , it shall serve for a vehicle to another story , which is of a certain tooth-drawer of my acquaintance , that lived in the strand : bays . the devil take your tooth-drrwer for me , what have i to do with him ? i am affraid your story will prove as troublesome to me , as a fit of the tooth-ach . crites . a very good jest i'saith ; i protest , dear rogue , thou begin'st to mend upon it — why , this same fellow you must understand , had made a shift , out of some church-yard or other , to pick up some two or three hundred teeth , and hung them on a string before his shop , to perswade the world that he was a man of great business in his mystery of tooth-drawing , but all would not do , no body came nigh him , so he was ready to starve ; and ( as he has since told me ) he was brought to those extremities , that he resolved one friday , about eight in the morning , to draw his own teeth out , and his wives , and his little daughter bettys , and hang them on a string , because there was no occasion for them in his family , he having not a bit of bread in his house to employ them . at last , ( says a friend of his to whom he made known his condition ) to him , " iack , come , down with your sign , and set up a new one , with this inscription , here lives an operator in teeth , that draws all manner of old srumps , and rotten gums , without any manner of pain , most infallibly , and i 'll engage , that within this fortnight , thou shalt have as much business , as thou canst turn thy hands to . he followed the advice , and wou'd you believe it , mr. bays , got the greatest practice of any touth-drawer in city or country . in one week , as i was credibly inform'd the last year , he drew the teeth of a hundred and fifty courtiers , besides , of half the court of aldermen , and my lord mayor's into the bargain ; and he has so well batten'd upon his profession , that he 's in a fair way now to keep his vehicle . bays . keep his vehicle , so let him and be hanged an he pleases . why , what 's all this to the purpose ? crites . oh , very much , sir , for even so a certain gentleman at rome , do ye mind me , mr. bays , when he was only bishop of rome , and nothing else , he had scarce money enough to set his pot a boyling , but when he once got the tooth-drawer's trick of writing here lives infallibility on his sign , why then he had customers from all parts of the world , and in a short time got so much money from his clients , that he scorns now to trudge it a foot , as his predecessors used to do , and keeps a sett of brawny fat porters to carry him on their shoulders . bays . nay , he that has the patience , mr. crites , to hear you tell a story , may defie , i think , all the plagues on this side hell , as a declaiming parliamentman , a case-repealing templar , a quibling justice of peace , and an university critick . this is all , sir , and so farewel . eugen. how , mr. bays , have you so soon forgot your philosopher socrates ? come , i see , i must remind you of him once an hour , at least , or you 'll be apt to renounce his acquaintance . why , prithee man , he 's only in jest , and there 's no harm in what he says ; therefore let it not , to use mr. shadwell's expression , disturb the serene tranquillity of thy sagacious soul. bays . at your entreaty dear mr. eugenius i 'le go on ; and to let you see what dexterity i use in my ergotering ( pray take notice of that word , for 't is of my own coining ) you shall see me prove the infallibility of our church within the compass of two lines . then granting , this unerring guide we want , that such there is you stand oblig'd to grant . pray , gentlemen , observe the force of this argument , for i protest to you 't is exceeding pretty ; an infallible guide is very necessary to direct the church here upon earth , to set people in the right way , and show 'em what is heresie and what not . this , i 'm confident , no body that has any guts in his brains , will deny . now from this very principium because he 's necessary , i conclude i gad , that there is such an infallible guide . crites . by your favour mr. bays i don't see that this conclusion of yours is very naturally deduced ; for you know we want ten thousand things in the world , which yet are not be had for love or money ; for instance , your seamen that make long voyages , want an unfailing pilot to conduct 'em to their port , want unfailing brandy , and bisket , and water to serve 'em all the way , want unfailing breezes of wind to carry 'em thither , and home again ; and yet you will not say , mr. bays , that because they want all these unfailing circumstances , that therefore they are possess'd of them . i am sure the east-india company wou'd allow you a better pension than your late historiographer royals place amounted to , if you cou'd make your words good . and therefore that solid argament in your canon-law , si dominus deus non fecisset papam infallibilem , dominus deus non fuisset discretus . which you translate , he were else wanting to supply our needs : will not pass with me , i 'le assure you . bays . mr. eugenius your friend here begins again to be rude and uncivil , he denies plain demonstration , and therefore i have done with him . but i know you to be of a person of a better temper , and so i 'le go on . it then remains that only church can be the guide , that owns unfailing certainty . you see i prov'd before that a guide was necessary , that therefore we had one . now i' gad , by another argument full as invincible , i establish this undeniable truth , that the church which owns such a guide is certainly possess'd of him . crites . of what i prithee little bays . bays . why , lord sir , of the infallible judge . crites . is it the same thing then to pretend , and to have ? this , i confess , is a secret that i was never made acquainted with before ; but now i intend to make the best use on 't i can . this is therefore to acquaint all the goldsmiths , mercers , vintners , and linnen-drapers in or about the city , and lines of communication , that i crites am infallibly possest of an estate to the value of ten thousand pound per annum , somewhere in the north , and that whosoever shall presume to deny me credit , for two or three thousand pounds worth of goods , is a rude person , and i 'le throw him into jail for his pagan infidelity — but mr. bays , i fancy it wou'd be worth a manswhile , to know where this same infallibility resides , to have a little conversation with him , for i 'de willingly be resolv'd in some such material points as these . whether mr. hobbs , or dr. wallis had the better end of the staff de quadraturâ circuli . whether is in the wrong , mr. flamsted , or captain blackborough about the longitude of the sea. whether a north-east passage is to be found to china . whether it is not rank non-sence to prove those things , which you call unwritten traditions out of the written word , and if so ▪ whether bellarmine does not deserve to be toss'd in a blanket , for citing twenty several places in scripture to prove a purgatory by . whether old mr. sclater of putney's galatinus was ever circumcis'd or no ; and lastly what dr. walker meant by his five theses of church government — can you satisfie a friend to this particular . bays . what where he lodges ? oh most easily sir , for you may either meet with him at home in cathedra with a urinal in one hand , and feeling the pulse of madam religion with the other ; or else playing at shuttle-cock with his domestics in the conclave at ave-mary-lane , or lastly , if it be term time , and a great deal of business stirring abroad , at the sign of a general council near westminster-hall . crites . but pray mr. bays , what is the reason that this same infallibility shifts his lodgings so often , for i am afraid he comes as dissonestly by what he pretends to , as the french king by his acquisitions upon the rhine — methinks now if it had been my good fortune to have stumbled upon this extraordinary prize , this unerring elixir vitae , i shou'd have taken the same methods that your city-quacks , and captains of ships , and casters of nativities use , and certify'd the world in bills printed for that purpose , that i live next door to the pope's - head over against the exchange , and am to be spoke with , at my lodgings every morning from seven till eleven , and in the afternoon from two till six , that the poor shou'd have advice for nothing , and that if i had any occasions to stir abroad , i wou'd certainly leave word with my nephew don marco ottoboni , what tavern , or coffee-house i was gone to , with this latin sentence in the bottom of the paper , nulla notitia ut experientia . — but before we part with this subject , one word more , and then i have done : suppose mr ▪ bays , any person , from the difficulty of finding out this infallible judge , shou'd be apt to imagin he 's no where to be met with , but in the isle of pines or so , how wou'd you satisfie him pray . bays . only with half a dozen lines out of my poem , sir , and then let me see , whether this scruple wou'd ever offer to stare him in the face any more . the doubtful residence no proof can bring against the plain existence of the thing . shew him but these lines , and the fine simile about sight , that whether it be per emissionem , or ( as some hold ) per receptionem specierum , yet that still no body denys there 's such a thing as sight ; show him but these lines , i say , and ( if you 'l give me leave to quibble upon my own words ) i 'le lay ten to one , that he presently finds an emission of his scruple , and the reception of the truth . crites . that is as much as to say , mr. bays , because your own doctors are not yet agreed , wherein the substance of the mass consists , for some of 'em place it in the act of consecration , others make consecration and sumption together the essence of it , and some again stand up for fraction ; shall a grim logician thence conclude , that your doctors believe there 's no sacrifice at all ? bays . shall he , mr. crites ? shall he sir ? no i gad , unless he 'l prove himself a coxcomb for his pains . eugen. but , mr. bays , hold a little i pray ; i 'de desire you not to lay too great a stress upon this argument , for i am afraid it will scarce do the business . the circumstance of place is in my opinion full as necessary to be determined as the circumstance of time , and yet a learned cusuist of your church , sirmondus by name , and one of the stiffest maintainers of the blessed doctrine of attrition , concludes that a man is not obliged to love god at all , because the schoolmen have not decided the question , when , and how often we were to love him . so then , say i , by the same way of reasoning , a man is not oblig'd to believe , there 's any such thing as infallibility in your church , since your doctors have not as yet agreed where to settle it , no more than the heathens knew where to settle their summum bonum , and perhaps never will , between this and the resurrection . bays . well , you have prettily bandied the doctrine of infallibility between you both , but i can easily forgive you for it , because to my certain knowledge 't is the severest enemy you of the reformation have ; what can you except now to the unity , antiquity , and universality of our church ? crites . why i thought , mr. bays , we had exchanged some words about the unity of your church a little while ago , when you were pleas'd to say , that the differences and divisions amongst us , were one reason for your leaving our communion : so that there needs nothing to be said to that particular here , but only this , that altho you have as many divisions in your schoolmen , and several orders as we have ; yet as it has always been the confess'd talent of the children of darkness , to be wiser in their generation than the children of light , so your divines for example , have had the discretion not to pursue their controversies , to any great extremities , for fear of breaking in peices , and dissolving their ecclesiastical kingdom . this peice of policy ▪ as our saviour tells us , the devils themselves understand and practise , and then indeed it is no wonder to find it in the conclave , for people naturally write after the copy that is set before them . i cou'd wish our dissenters would consider this , for in some cases you know , fas est , & ab hoste doceri . the antiquity of your church has been already considered in the preface , and as for your pretences of universality i shall return you no answer , but send you to the common maps for your farther information . eugen. unless i am mistaken , mr. bays , there is another reason still behind , which helped to determine you in your choice of the roman communion , but i have clearly forgot the name of it , and yet to the best of my knowledge , i never met it amongst the fifteen marks which bellarmine gives of the true church . bays . that may be sir , and yet 't is as unquestionably true as any of the rest . i mean the clemency of our church , and hope your dissenters found by comfortable experience , that the doctrine of persecution is far from being an article of our faith. — the sheep , and harmless hind were never of the persecuting kind . crites . upon my word , mr. bays , i never expected to hear this passage from you . well , now let nature her old laws forego , and wild disorder rule below ; let tiber now no longer glide to pay his wonted tribute to the tide . since rome sets up a kind indulgent care for the more pow'rful sword , and more convincing spear . eugen. certainly , mr. bays , you were not well awake when you made good nature and clemency one of the distinguishing characters of your catholic hind . why surely you think , we never travelled farther in history than the seven champions , and don quixot , or never heard of the albigenses , the vaudois , the poor men of lyons , the patarenes , the arnoldists , the speronists , the passagenes , the wiclevites , and the fratricelli ( as they then call'd 'em ) thousands of which , were formerly sacrificed to the roman moloc , and whose posterity are duly every year deliver'd into the devils hands , by your pious pastor in the bulla caenae . bays . i find you have been dabling lately in old fox's volumes for your knowledge , but upon my word , mr. eugenius , he 's as scandalous an author , as sir iohn mandevil of famous memory , or — eugen. the modern monsieur varillas , or pere bouhours . but no matter for that . do you think we have no frenchmen about the town that lost a grandfather , or a relation at the paris massacre ? do you think none of our irish refugees ever discourse of the rebellion of . over their tea , and coffee ? what do we celebrate the fifth of november in squibs , and crackers , but only to commemorate our deliverance from the gun-powder-plot , when ( as i lately found it in an old sermon . ) you thought to fix , as i may say 't in metre , saint peter's faith with catholic salt-petre . bays . nay look you , gentlemen , i am not at all concern'd to justifie the irregularities of former times : but the immortal declaration for liberty of conscience sufficiently shews , that a persecuting spirit is not entail'd upon our party . i remember very well , what i said then to the dissenters , out of martial . si vitare canum morsus lepus improbe quae ris , ad quae confugias ora leonis , habes . the panther's claws wouldst thou avoid dissenter ? into the lyons mouth then enter , enter , enter . crites . and i remember too , mr. bays , what i thought of , when the indulgence first came out ; i thought of the trojan horse , and the questions that king priam ask'd about it . quo molem hanc immanis equi statuere ? quis autor ? quid ve petunt ? quae religio ? aut quae machina belli ? but to satisfie you that these were my sentiments at that time , i 'le shew you laccoon's speech in the second aeneid , wherein he diswades the trojans , from letting in the wooden horse , imitated , and suited to that occasion . you dull dissenters , what vain folly blinds your senses thus , and captivates your minds ? think you , this proffer'd liberty is free from tricks , and snares , and papal treachery ? think you , 't was meant according to the letter ? oh! that such plodding-heads should know the pope no better . trust me , this kindness either was design'd to encrease our quarrels , and our weakness find . or else , the breach was open'd at a venture , that at one hole both cowl and cloak might enter . pray heav'n , there be no farther mischief meant , but i 'm afraid there 's roman opium in 't . bays . what , was there any roman opium in the trojan horse ! that i never read of in any commentator before . crites . no , mr. bays , we are talking all this while of the late toleration . be 't what it will , the gilded pill suspect , and with a smiling scorn your proffer'd fate reject . a papist , tho ungiving , means you evil , but when he scatters gifts and mercies , he 's the devil . you may see , mr. bays , what was my opinion of the matter even at that time , and i perswade my self the dissenters thought no better of it , tho it must be confessed , they offer'd as much fulsome incense to the unfortunate king for this gift , as was ever offer'd in the days of yore to nero , or domitian . come , little bays , i perceive by your smiling , you have got some pleasant conceit or other within you . now prithee what was thy opinion of the indulgence . bays . because we are all of us in a merry humour now , i 'le tell you . if ever you had the curiosity to read over the church-history of scotland , you know there happen'd a famous dispute there whether the lords-prayer might be said to any of the saints , and how it was resolved . now those very distinctions which were used to qualifie the lord's-prayer for the use of the saints , will serve for this business of the toleration . it was meant then formaliter , to our party , to the other herd of dissenters materialiter . ultimate to us , non ultimate to them ; principaliter to us , minus principaliter to them ; to us primario , to them secundario ; capiendo stricte to us , capiendo large to them . in short , as the schoolmen use to distinguish in the case of image-worship , it was meant terminative to us the prototypes , but only relative to the dissenters , our images . eugen. why this was honestly done , mr. bays , to explain your meaning . and truly now i think on 't , we ought to thank lovis le grard for the different conduct which he took at home , or else , for as much as i know , the trick had succeeded . the two kings , i don't question , were endeavouring to propagate their religion , but they used different methods , and so between 'em they acted the story of penelope , what the one did in the day , the other undid in the night . after all , mr. bays , to shut our hands of this religious discourse , popery in england is like sysiphus's stone , the fathers of the society , may perhaps rowl it up to the top of the hill , but then it will tumble down of its own accord , and help to break the bones of those that rowl'd it up . crites . well , mr. bays , i find our conference here is likely to meet with no better success , than other conferences of the like nature ; where after a great deal of pother and noise , to no purpose at all , both parties continue as stiff and unrelenting as at the first , and keep their old stations . — so if you please we 'l turn the tables , and discourse of something else that will be more agreeable , and edifying . bays . with all my heart , mr. crites , propose what you will. crites . why , i have often considered with my self , how ticklish a thing it is for a man that has acquir'd a vast stock of reputation , as you have done , mr. bays , to keep it long in his hands ; the world , you know , is so very peevish and ill-natur'd , that — bays . and what of all that , sir ? crites . that in my opinion , 't is as difficult for any person to maintain his reputation still about him , as for a very pretty lady , with a very pretty fortune , in this lewd and wicked town , to keep her maiden-head till fifteen . now 't is otherwise with you , honest mr. bays , for though you have lived a considerable time amongst us here , yet you don't decline at all in your authority ; i mean as a poet , not as a casuist . i' faith , dear friend of mine , we must still acknowledge thee the only oracle for wit and poetry about the city . bays . thank you for that , sir. why , the business , in short , is thus — if the spirit of poetry fails me , i betake my self to prose , and if that does not succeed , to poetry again . if things of my own inventing cloy the world , then translating comes in play ; if translating proves wearisome , why then i invent some new business of my own , and the work 's done . if honest bawdry and mirth wont take , then a little touch of religion , or politicks , or controversie , makes me amends ; and if these don't relish ( as the devil take them they seldom do ) then commend me to a fine stroke or two of bawdry , to quicken the appetite of the age. if comedy brings me in no profit , why then tragedy look to thy self ; and so on vice versa to the end of the chapter . crites . very pretty this upon my word , mr. bays . bays . thus you see , gentlemen , that mr. bays the divine keeps mr. bays the poet , and mr. bays the translator keeps mr. bays the author , and mr. bays the play-wright keeps the divine , and author , and translator altogether , i'gad . i must confess , i have some other arcana's , which i cou'd communicate to you , that are very delicate and surprizing , but i must beg your pardon , gentlemen — crites . nay no excuses will serve your turn mr. bays , impart 'em you must before you stir , that 's certain . i 'le promise for my self and my friend here , that wee 'l keep 'em as secret , as a young country gentleman keeps his city-clap from his pious grandmother , and mistress . eugenius . or a cheapside wife keeps the last favours she received at a court-masquerade , or the spring garden , from her jealous husband . bays . ay , ay , or a poet keeps the handsome chastisement he receiv'd for his last lampoon , from the pretty goddess that he daily courts in madrigal , and sonnet . well i believe you gentlemen , and because i know you both to be persons of honour and all that , i 'le acquaint you with the other mysteries of my government , tho they are things of extraordinary value , and i may safely say there 's ne're a prince in christendom that walks more by the ragioni di stato , by the refined rules of policy , than my self . they talk how the venetians have all along preserv'd their republic , by observing the rules of a certain manuscript they have of tullies , about the administration of a common-wealth , but i am sure 't is all meer insipid stuff , to what i am going to relate — crites . prithee dear rogue proceed then . bays . sometimes mr. crites , when i find the young critics of the town for want of other employment , begin to make busie with any of my own works at home , what do i to dissipate all these ill humours , but immediately proclaim a miscellany crusade , that is , do you observe me gentlemen , i encourage all the forward beaux of the nation , to take a voyage as far as greece or italy , to retreive some captive province of poetry out of the hands of infidel-invaders , where besides the reputation which a person certainly gets , by being the leading card of all the company , that list themselves for such an adventure , i am sure of carrying away all the profit of the undertaking to my self . eugenius . why , who would have taken thee for such a politician , mr. bays ? bays . that was none of my fault sir. sometimes when i find my revenue kept back , which the magnificence of former kings thought fit to bestow upon my place , i send a consecrated rose , that is a great of very fulsome flattery i gad , to some great man or other about the court , to procure my apollo's pence , my ancient income for me : or if this method fails , i take the next opportunity i have , to expose those people in a preface * who have the liberality of kings in their disposing , and who , dishonouring the bounty of their master , suffer such to be in necessity , who endeavour at least to please him . crites . you 'l scarce have any occasion now , mr. bays , to solicit for your apollo's pence again , since mr. shadwell has got both them , and your lawrel from you . but pray proceed . bays . sometimes for an extraordinary consideration , i give leave to some noble baronet to father one of my plays , and afterwards when i have serv'd my turn , and got all i can out of him , i make bold to take the brat home again , as i did my indian queen . eugen. i 'le swear , mr. bays , thou art the pleasantest fellow in the universe , i cou'd dye with laughing at these conceits ; but have you any more of ' em ? bays . any more of ' em ? why i am an inexhaustible fountain ; as suppose or instance , a play meets with the general approbation of the world , and the ladies clap it , and the men they admire it , and so forth , why what do i , that i may seem better-sighted in these matters then the rest of mankind , but put the play in the poetic inquisition , and quarrel with the author up to the elbows , i gad , for introducing innovations upon the theatre , such as making his ghosts , and angels in the clouds , speak better sense , than can be expected from persons of their condition , or else for not equipping his scene with men enough , and divesting the stage of that necessary grandeur and ceremony , which is requisite to support it — eugenius . better and better , upon my word mr. bays . bays . at other times when a play has happen'd to be damned at the theatre , to see how the quick-silver varies in this weather-glass of mine , i presently take up the cudgels for the author ( not that i am any more concerned at his or any other bodies miscarriage , than one of your city protestants wou'd be , if the french king should think fit in his royal wisdom to hang or drown himself ) but only to magnifie my own talent , and pretend to better judgment in these affairs than any body besides . you see gentlemen , i am athanasius contra mundum , even according to the letter , i vow to gad i am . crites . or ishmael rather , mr. bays , if you are for going according to the letter , remember rose-alley-lane else , but prithee go on . bays . when any of my own comedies has failed ( as the lord knows too many of 'em have done ) i frankly and freely own my self to be of a saturnine complexion , and very honestly i gad acknowledge , lest some one else should do it for me , that several of my own profession have out-done me at comedy ; but then as for tragedy , do ye mind me , i own , and i maintain , and solemnly declare , that it is my own proper paternal inheritance , that no man breathing performs that way well but my self , and that i wou'd sooner part with my right hand , than relinguish my pretensions to it . now on the other hand — eugenius . nay now the devil take thee on the other hand , for a cunning rogue as thou art — bays . if i chance once in my life-time to have a lucky hit at the comic strain , as in my spanish fryer , why then i gad i am of another opinion , and he 's to be sure a son of a whore , and a block-head , and all that , for his pains , who has the hardiness to deny the gayety of my temper , or the agreeableness of my conversation . crites . i profess mr. bays the things that you have communicated here are extreamly curious . well i find matchiavel can't come nigh you for all his politics — bays . no i gad , thank my maker for 't . why did you never hear that i have been courted to be secretary to the congregation de propaganda fide at rome ? crites . not i , i'faith little bays . bays . not you i'faith ? why then i'faith mr. crites you have heard nothing at all , and to be plain with you gentlemen , i had certainly accepted the offer , if it had not been for the sake of some pretty female rogues here in covent-garden that cou'd not live without me . crites . well , thou hast bowels and compassion i see with thy policy , which few of the sir pols have — but pray sir pursue your discourse . bays . sometimes gentlemen when the living poets are too many for me , i betake my self to the protection of the dead ; talk of old decrees , and ancient constitutions , and pretend that all those passages which are imputed to me for faults , are to be found in venerable antiquity , as in the case of almanzor , who , as i affirm'd , was a gentleman as well bred and born , and of as peaceable and civil a deportment as homer's achilles . but if the scene chances to be alter'd , and some prying hereticks in poetry give out that the ancients are of their opinion , and that i have misunderstood , mispresented 'em , and all that , have made false quotations , and worse deductions , i presently fall foul upon the old writers , and positively maintain that there 's scarce one of 'em in a hundred who was master of a refined genius ; and that it is the unquestionable prerogative of mr. bays , as he is apollo's high pontiff , to reverse former orders , and substitute what new articles in poetry he thinks convenient . eugenius . no question on 't mr. bays . but have you any thing else behind ? bays . ay sir , i have a certain profound stratagem still behind , my sacra anchora i call it , which is only to be made use of upon extraordinary occasions , and which i was never forced to employ but once in my time , and is as follows . when any young author has been so fortunate in his first undertaking , as to win himself the applause of all the world , so that 't is impossible for one to ruin his reputation , without running the hazard of having his throat cut by all sort of company , i am as forward as the best of 'em all to commend his ingenuity , to extol his parts , and promise him a copy of verses before his book , if he honours the world with a second edition . crites . very good . bays . at the same time i privately feel his pulse , and examine the nature , and inclination of the beast . if he chances to be a little saturnine like my self , i set him upon a gay undertaking , where 't is the devil and all of ill luck if he does not ship-wrack all his former credit . but if he proves a man of a brisk and jolly temper , i perswade him of all loves to make an experiment of his abilities upon some serious solemn subject , tell him if he ever expects to be saved he must out of hand do justice to the psalms and canticles , which work he 's as uncapable to manage i gad , as little david was to fight in sauls armour . thus gentlemen by engaging the author in a province , where he has not stock enough to carry on the plantation , i never fail one way or other to compass my designs , and at long run to defeat my competitor . crites . why mr. bays , this is like enjoyning a painter , that has a good fancy at drawing of saracens heads , and grotesque figures only , to draw you a venus or an adonis , where he must certainly miscarry . now i am apt to fancy you trepann'd the honest translator of lucretius with this profound piece of policy , come confess the truth man. did you not ? bays . you cou'd not have guess'd better mr. crites , if you had div'd into my diaphragma for the secret . it was not in my power you must know either to suppress the work , or to discommend it , because , to give the gentleman his due , it was performed beyond all expectation , and what was a mighty matter , it suited as pat as might be with the philosophy of the town that was then in fashion . now to undermine and ruin him to all intents and purposes i took these measures . i flatter , hugg , and caress him like an achitophel as i was , after the strangest manner imaginable , profest all the respects and friendship in the world for him ; tell him , that providence had certainly reserv'd him for working miracles in poetry ; and that i had some ancient prophecies by me at home , which declared him to be the very person that was to deliver the immortal writers of former ages out of that algerin captivity they had so long labour'd under — crites . well for dawbing and wheedling i 'le let thee loose to any poet in christendom . bays . that if by his mighty feat he cou'd form those irish atoms of lucretius into so regular , and well disciplin'd an army , cou'd raise such harmony out of a dull unmusical philosopher , how glorious and exalted wou'd his attempts be upon horace ; or what might we not expect from so advantageous , so promising an undertaking . and so gentlemen with the help of a little incense and flattery , i so cajol'd this aesops crow , that he presently dropt his epicurean cheese out of his mouth , to sing one of his unmusical ill-turn'd odes of horace . i perswaded this welch courser to leave his ragged unaccessible precipices , where there was no coming after him , to try his strength and feet upon good plain carpet ground , where an english vinegar-horse i knew wou'd easily distance him . crites . to deal plainly with thee little bays , if i were in this injur'd gentleman's case i should see thee hanged before i could forgive thee . bays . but the best jest is still untold . to remove all manner of suspicion from him , and let him see i dealt sincerely , and above board , i gave him my paternal benediction with this advice , quit not for public toyls a college-life , nor take that kind of settlement , a wife . the drift of my meaning in disswading him from the town , and advising him to continue still in the university , was to keep him at as great a distance as i cou'd , lest he should set up for himself here in the city , and spoil my own trade ; and i never car'd what encouragement he found at avignon , as long as i was the chief man at rome ; for let me tell you by the by , parnassus tho they say it has two tops , yet i am confident it will but just maintain one monarch , or one incumbent at a time . in disswading him from matrimony , i pretended to have a great concern for the young man's welfare , and cunningly insinuated , that it was not convenient for the health of his body to be drain'd and suck'd by two insatiable leeches at a time , a muse , and a wife . eugen. faith mr. bays , you took the right course in assming the character of a friend upon this occasion , for had you used him severely , perhaps the world might have been enclin'd to show him the greater kindness ; as they say for a man to cry down his wife , is the infallible way to procure her a kind keeper ; and we have seen plainly enough , that the late immortal sufferers at oxford fared the better , for being so cruelly treated by the ecclesiastical commissioners . bays . that rule of yours mr. eugenius does not always hold , for i have used a noble poet of the other university with all the ill-nature and rigour in the world , yet he never had the good fortune yet to meet one single defender to espouse his quarrel : 't is mr. cleveland i am now discoursing of . you know gentlemen how i have treated him in my essay upon dramatic poetry , a thousand times worse i gad then any of his presbyterian friends . i lash him there for his tall hyperbole's , his affected obscurity , his unworthy expressions , and ( wou'd you think it ) for his ill husbandry in tacking together too much wit : for you must understand i can sometimes quarrel with a man for being guilty of too much wit , as well as for having none at all , and i am certain that in this frugal age , which is for retrenching all unnecessary expences , one single thought well managed shall go farther then twenty of 'em cou'd formerly before we were taught by the gold-beaters how to extend a fancy for a furlong or two . in short a clevelandism and a catachresis were with me , terms full as conversible as — crites . nay never pump for 't man , as beef and mustard , pork and pease , hand and glove , or brawn and christmas . bays . no , no , as protestantism and opiniarete , popery and infallibility , are with me now . upon king charles the first 's going in disguise to his trusty subjects the scots he has this passage , heaven that the minister of thy person owns , will sue thee for dilapidations . now how do you think i ridicul'd em ? why i cou'd never go to my barber to be shaved for half a dozen years at least but i thus accosted him , and all at poor mr. cleveland's charges i gad . come iack ( said i ) you must repair the dilapidations of my face for me , for i am damnably afraid lest my maker shou'd endite me upon the first chapter of genesis verse the , for letting his image run to ruin . crites . well i see mr. bays you can be severe with a vengeance when you please . thou art a very zoilus incarnate . bays . likewise he having the misfortune , to call that domestic animal yclep'd a cock. the baron tell-clock of the night . i cou'd never i gad as i came home from the tavern meet a watchman or so , but i presently askd him . " baron tell-clock of the night prithee how goes the time ? indeed i have of late days , since the happy exchange i made of my religion , found some compunctions in my conscience for being so severe and unkind to him , and if he were alive , i am confident i should heartily beg his pardon , and tender him all the acknowledgments i am capable of . crites . prithee mr. bays how comes this qualm of good nature to seize thee on the sudden . i am afraid all is not well with thee . come take heart of grace man , and ne're be dejected at the matter . bays . you can't imagine mr. crites , how angry i am with my self for treating the aforesaid author with so much severity . time was when no body cou'd have made better sport with him for these following lines than my self . not the fair abbess of the skies , with all her nunnery of eyes , can show me such a beauteous prize . but now hang me up for a dog , if i cou'd say one malicious thing of him ; for what serious catholick must not find himself obliged in point of honour to respect that gentleman , who has made abbeys and nunneries to be , if not iure divino , yet at least iure coelesti . — si sic omnia dixisset , he had been without question the finest poet in christendom , not excepting scribonius himself , or another of the society that rung two and twenty thousand changes upon the eight bells of the virgin maries good qualities . — and now , gentlemen , to draw towards an end , for i find by my watch i have staid an hour beyond my time , i here take my last farewel of all the vanities and solemn impertinencies of the world , and for the future devote my self only to piety , and exercises of religion . good life be now my task ; my doubts are done , what more cou'd fright my faith , than three in one ? crites . a very pious resolution this by my troth , mr. bays , for not to mince matters , you stand in need of repentance as much as any person i know of within the bills of mortality . there 's libelling , and blaspheming , and fornicating , and a catalogue of sins longer than a iewish pedigree to be still atton'd for . but unless i am mistaken in thee , thou art too much a poet and a man of the town to condescend to repent . bays . well , sir , you may say your pleasure of me , i cannot avoid it . but sure you 'l give me leave to tell you , i know my self better than any one else . i have already made a magdalen of my muse , and i think i am too old to fear a temptation from any other quarter . crites . i 'le lay a wager with you however , mr. bays , that this blessed magdalen of yours proves as rank a recreant , for all her confinement , as ever she was . come , come , i know we shall see thee upon the stage e're-long ; thou art too good-natur'd , i know , to renounce the theatre , and giving thy self the sa●isfaction of obliging the ladies . bays . that were a very shrewd temptation , i confess , if i had not for good and all , sacrificed that fame , that darling fame which i formerly prized , to the service of the catholic church , and therefore i shall take my leave of you in a peice of poetry , which i lately writ for my own consolation . 't is an imitation of one of horaces penitential odes , ( psalms i was going to call it ) by which you 'l perceive that i am mortified to the world , and have hung my harp upon the willows . eugen. this is an extraordinary favour upon my word , mr. bays , and i 'le study how to requite it , for you know what a respect i pay to my master horace . bays . i. 't is true , while active blood my viens did fire , and vig'rous youth gay thoughts inspire ; ( by your leave , courteous reader , be it said ) i could have don 't , as well as most men did . but now i am ( the more 's the pitty , ) the very'st fumbler in the city . ii. there honest harp , that hast of late so often bore thy sinful masters fate , thou a crackt side , and i a broken pate : hang up and peaceful rest enjoy , hang up , while poor dejected i , unmusical , unstrung like thee , sit mourning by . crites . a very sad and melancholy case ifaith . iii. and likewise all ye trusty bars , with whose assistance heretofore , when love engag'd me in his wars , i 've batter'd ( heaven forgive me ) many a door . bays pulls his hat off . lye there till some more able hand , shall you to your old pious use command . crites . very devoutly done , upon honour , mr. bays , to pull your hat off , when you cry'd heav'n forgive me . nay , now i have some hopes of thee , dear rogue . — what upon thy marrow-bones ? why now i see here 's the devil and all of devotion coming forward . bays kneels . let me see , thou art now going to pray for — eugen. what should a poet pray for , but a believing bookseller , and an easie open-handed lord , a kind audience , and a confusion to all critics , store of claret , and such kind of blessings ? but pray don't disturb him in his devotions . iv. but oh kind phoebus lend a pittying ear , to thy old servants humble prayer . let m-nt-gue , and br-wn thy anger feel , lash 'em all o're with rods of steel . and when the scriblers of their smart complain , this 't is , then tell 'em , to profane j-hn dr-d-n's hind with an unhallow'd vein . bays . and now , gentlemen , your approbation of the business . eugen. why i faith , mr. bays , your ejaculation ends somewhat of the smartest . they had best have a care that are concerned in it . and now because i made you a promise of requiting your ode , if you 'l stay a minute or two longer , i 'le show you a copy of verses given me lately by a friend . 't is called the fable of the bat and the birds , and i am glad for your sake ▪ that i have it now about me . bays . the fable of the bat and the birds ? a very pretty subject i gad . i love entirely any thing that comes out of aesops mint , therefore pray let us have it . eugen. in ancient times ( as grave historians tell ) 'twixt birds , and beasts a dismal quarrel fell . but whether this from breach of faith did flow , or to religious iars its birth did owe , or depredations made , concerns us not to know . bays . no i gad it does not , i 'le justifie it . weighty , you may be sure , the cause was thought , that such an universal tumult wrought . bays . ay , ay , no question on 't , the birds and beasts were wiser than to fall out for nothing . picqueering parties first began the fray , a sad presage of the ensuing day ; at last the war was solemnly proclaim'd , the hour of fighting set , and both the leaders nam'd . bays . i am glad on 't with all my heart , for now i hope to hear of battel and murder . the foolish bat , a bird obscene , and base , the scorn and jest of all the feather'd race ; or by fantastic fears and scruples led , or with ambition mov'd , his party fled . ioyn'd with the beasts , and eager to engage , with popular harangues urg'd on a feeble rage . bays . this bat i warrant you was one of the late western deserters . as fortune would , on an ill-fated day , the beasts drew out their forces in array . the diff'rent kinds their grudges laid aside , and for the common safety all provide , ev'n , their old picques , and warm disputes forgot , the hind and panther joyn'd upon the spot ; and by one mutual league of friendship held , prepare for the rough business of the field . bays . i gad i commend 'em for 't . if i had been captain to the army i had advised the same . when lo ! the birds in numerous bands appear , and with repeated cryes attacque the rear . give a fierce charge , and back like parthians fly , to repossess their patrimonial sky : then straight descending with redoubled might , they spend their fury , and renew the fight . bays . nay , there was no fighting with 'em say i , if they us'd that trick . pale victory , all trembling , and dismaid , with doubtful wings the purple scene survey'd . at last , propitious to her feather'd kind , declar'd her favour , and the scale inclin'd . whole hecatombs the cover'd field possest , and gave their foes at once a triumph and a feast . their slaughter'd young , the rachel-dams deplor'd , and many a widdow'd cow mourn'd o're her horned lord. the gen'rous eagle ( so his stars ordain ) chases th' affrighted lyon from the plain . their gen'ral gone , the rest like lightning fly , a cheap , unfighting herd , not worth the victory . and now the birds with eager haste pursue through lanes , and devious tracts the scatter'd crew . amongst the rest , beset with dangers round , the trembling bat was in a cellar found . 't is pitty , fame ne're chronicled his taker , but all records agree they found him in long-acre ; pearcht on a pole they brought him to the bar , where the full house sate talking of the war : straight at the sight a various noise began , which through the spacious hall , and neighb'ring lobby ran . each member in the public mirth concurr'd , and droll'd upon the poor apostatizing bird. first parrot s-ttle open'd wide his throat , next cuckow ph-lips , always in a note ; and peacock ch-tw-d of the clergy kind , but his poetic feet disgrac'd the train behind . and cr-ch and n-rris , kites of high renown , and turkey lee by his large gizzard known : nay , to enhance the hardship of his woes , owl d-rfy clapt his wings , and hooted in the close . when now their raillery began to spare , ( and faith 't was too too much for one poor bird to bear . ) the eagle order'd silence in the room , and thus aloud pronounc'd the shiv'ring lubbers doom . beast of a bird ! thus to desert thy friends , and joyn the common foe for base ungen'rous ends , what punishment can suit so black a crime ? hear then , and stand accurs'd to all succeeding time . from all our diets be thou first expell'd , or those in silent groves , or those on steeples held . when our gay tribes in youthful pomp appear , to join in nuptial bands , and meet the smiling year . nay more , to make thee mortifie and grieve , to buzzard sh-dw-ll we thy places give . him we appoint historian of our state , and poet laureat of the woods create . on t law'd our realms , and banish'd from the light , be thou for ever damn'd to steal abroad by night . eugen. i hope mr. bays , i have now made you amends for your ode , i don't question but you like it , because it 's writ in your own stile . will you stay now , and hear the application of the fable ? bays . no i gad , sir , i thank you heartily ; i am not such a bat neither as you take me for : what not understand the fable without the application ? 't is plain enough without one , and the author may chance to hear more from me in a short time . no , sir , i 'le have none of your applications , and so good night . finis . advertisement . the second part of mr. waller's poems . containing , his alteration of the maids tragedy , and whatever of his is yet unprinted : together with some other poems , speeches , &c. that were printed severally , and never put into the first collection of his poems . printed for tho. bennet , at the half-moon in st. paul's church-yard . notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a -e part . hist. pap. l. . p. . preface to don sebastian . summa conciliorum . preface to don sebastian . eckius de sacrificio , missel p. . les origines de la langue francoise , p. . saturn . l. . c : . notes for div a -e * mrs. behns miscell . printed by ios. hindmarsh . * the two motto's to the hind and panther . h. & p. p. . p. . p. . hist. pap. p. . lib . in euterpe . p. . * preface to marriage alamode . in that verse , tot tibl sunt dotes , vergo , quot sidera caelo . commendatory verses on the author of the two arthurs and the satyr against wit / by some of his particular friends. approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : - (eebo-tcp phase ). a wing c estc r ocm this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) commendatory verses on the author of the two arthurs and the satyr against wit / by some of his particular friends. brown, thomas, - . p. [s.n.], london : . attributed by harvard (nuc pre- imprints) to thomas brown and others. reproduction of original in the harvard university library. created by converting tcp files to tei p using tcp tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between and available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the , texts created during phase of the project have been released into the public domain as of january . anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. % (or pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf- unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p , characters represented either as utf- unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng blackmore, richard, -- sir, d. -- poetry. - tcp assigned for keying and markup - spi global keyed and coded from proquest page images - mona logarbo sampled and proofread - mona logarbo text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion commendatory verses , on the author of the two arthurs , and the satyr against wit ; by some of his particular friends . insanit scaevola factus eques . innocuos permitte sales ; cur ludere nobis non liceat , licuit si jugulare tibi ? mart. london : printed in the year mdcc . to all the honourable citizens within the bills of mortality , below the dignity of common-council-men . fellow citizens , i am no orator , i own it , nor ever made a speech in my life , but once in the vestry , about choosing a lecturer , and new lettering the church-buckets : but this i 'll be bold to say , that no man is a heartier well-wisher to the prosperity of this protestant city than my self . now i must tell you , gentlemen , that you don't take so much notice of a certain author , who does you the honour to reside among you , as his great qualities deserve . you only consult him as a physician ; and indeed i must needs say he is a pretty physician ; he has eas'd many of you of those heavy burdens , call'd wives and children ; and , out of his zeal to the publick , has helpt to thin the overstock of traders : but still you must give me leave to tell you , that you overlook his principal talent , for physick is what he values himself least upon . he is a poet , pray be not scandalized at the word , he is a poet , i say , but of sober solid principles , and as hearty an enemy to wit as the best of you all : he has writ twenty thousand verses and upwards without one grain of wit in them ; nay , he has declar'd open war against it , and , despising it in himself , is resolved not to endure it in any one else . when he is in his coach , instead of pretending to read where he can't see , as some doctors do ; or thinking of his patient's case , which none of them do , he is still listning to the chimes , to put his ear in tune , and stumbles upon a distich every kennel he is jolted over . nay , even in coffee-houses , when other people are cleansing chester-harbour , banishing popish priests , disposing the crown of spain , repairing dover-peer , pitying the poor scots at darien , or settling the affairs of poland , he is enditing heroics on the back of a news-paper with his pencil , and wou'd give more for a rhime to radziouski than a specific for the gout . those flashy fellows , your covent-garden poets , are good for nothing , but to run into our debts , lye with our wives , and break unmannerly iests upon us citizens ; then , like a parcel of sots , they write for fame and immortality ; but this gentleman is above such trifles , and , as he prescribes , so he writes for the good of trade . he 's a particular benefactor to the manufacture of the nation ; and , at this present minute , to my certain knowledge , keeps ten paper-mill a going with his job and habakkuk , and his other hebrew heroes . there 's scarce a cook , grocer , or tobacconist within the city-walls but is the better for his works ; nay , one that is well acquainted with his secret history , has assured me , that his main design in writing the two arthurs , whatever he pretended in his preface , was only to help the poor trunk-makers at a pinch , when quarles and ogilby were all spent , and they wanted other materials . above all , you can't imagine what a singular deference he pays to a golden chain ; 't is impossible for a rich man with him , either to be a knave or a blockhead : he never sees the cap of maintenance , but is ready to worship it ; and , in compliment to the sword-bearer , wou'd , i dare engage for him , sooner write a panegyric upon custard , than any of the cardinal virtues , tho' he pretends to be their champion . this may serve , fellow-citizens , to give you some idea of the man ; but what we most want his assistance in , is to reform several enormous abuses that have crept in among us . the poetry of our bell-men , which in its first institution contain'd many excellent lessons of piety , is grown very loose and immoral , and gives our wives and daughters wicked ideas , when it awakes them at midnight . the tobacco-boxes too seem engag'd in a general confederacy to bring vice into esteem ; their lewd inscriptions charge religion with desperate resolution , and have given it many deep and ghastly wounds . our posies for rings are either immodest , or irreligious ; and we see few verses on our ale-house signs , but have some spiteful and envious strokes at sobriety and good-manners , whence the apprentices of this populous city have apparently received very bad impressions . 't is great pity that our magistrates , in whose power it is , have not yet restrained the licentiousness of these rhimes , and obliged the writers of them to observe more decorum . but , since they are so remiss in their duty , retain this gentleman on the side of religion , and you 'll soon see these enormities vanish . besides , being of a goodly person , if you desired him now and then , upon a solemn occasion , to walk before a pageant , or march at the head of the blew-coat infantry , at the burial of one of his own patients , with how much more decency and gravity wou'd those public ceremonies be perform'd ? and then who so proper to inflame the courages of our city-militia , as our parson tells me , one tyrtaeus did of old , by the repetition of his own lines ? well , cou'd i but be so happy as to see him once appear in the front of our finsbury-squadrons , or animate with his noble compositions the wrestlers in moor-fields , i shou'd not doubt to see our ancient military genius come in play , and every london 'prentice able to worst his brace of lions . therefore , fellow-citizens , for mine , for your own , and your families sakes , hug and cherish this worthy gentleman , make him free of all your companies , for he 's as well qualified for any of them as his own ; carry him to all your entertainments , nay even to your private deliberations over brawn and quest-ale , and when any foreign ambassador is treated by the city , get him to pay the compliment in verse , and the r-c-rd-r may second him in prose ; put the entire management of smithfield into his hands , and make him absolute monarch of all the booths and poppet-shews . above all , let him endeavour by the melody of his rhimes ( and what can withstand ' em ? ) to call back our fugitive mercers from covent-garden to ludgate-hill and pater-noster-row . since we are for new painting our city-gates , why should we not furbish up our old heroes in new metre ? why should poor king lud and his two trusty sons , temancus and androgeus , be forgotten ? or what harm have the giants at guild-hall and whittington's cat done to be buried in oblivion ? there are a thousand other subjects to employ his muse , wherein he may discreetly intersperse some notable precepts against trusting , some pretty touches in defence of vsury , and some handsom consolations for cuckoldom , all which might be of admirable use to season and confirm our city-youth in the true principles of their ancestors : and what if you cou'd perswade him to write a few pacifying strains to calm the distemper'd spirits of our car-men and the oyster-women at bilingsgate ? in short , these are some of the topics you may recommend to him . let him make verses for us citizens , and prescribe physic to the fools without temple-bar . i am , your loving friend , o. s. commendatory verses , on the author of the two arthurs , and the satyr against wit. a short and true history of the author of the satyr against wit. by nature meant , by want a pedant made , bl — re at first profess'd the whipping trade ; grown fond of buttocks , he wou'd lash no more , but kindly cur'd the a — he gall'd before . so quack commenc'd ; then , fierce with pride , he swore , that tooth-ach , gripes , and corns shou'd be no more . in vain his druggs as well as birch he try'd , his boys grew blockheads , and his patients dy'd . next he turn'd bard , and , mounted on a cart , whose hideous rumbling made apollo start , burlesqu'd the bravest , wisest son of mars in ballad-rhimes , and all the pomp of farce . still he chang'd callings , and at length has hit on bus'ness for his matchless talent fit , to give us drenches for the plague of wit. vpon the author of the satyr against wit. a grave physician , us'd to write for fees , and spoil no paper , but with recipe's , is now turn'd poet , rails against all wit , except that little found among the great . as if he thought true wit and sence were ty'd to men in place , like avarice , or pride . but in their praise so like a quack he talks , you 'd swear he wanted for his christmas-box . with mangled names old stories he pollutes , and to the present time past action suits , amaz'd we find , in ev'ry page he writes , members of parliament with arthur's knights . it is a common pastime to write ill ; and doctor , with the rest e'en take thy fill . thy satyr's harmless : 't is thy prose that kills , when thou prescrib'st thy potions , and thy pills . to that incomparable panegyrist , the author of the satyr upon wit. henceforth no more in thy poetick rage burlesque the god-like heroes of the age ; no more king arthurs be with labour writ , but follow nature , and still rail at wit. for this thy mighty genius was design'd , in this thy cares a due success may find . opinions we more easily receive from guides that practise by those rules they give : so dullness thou may'st write into esteem , thy great example , as it is thy theme . hope not to joyn , ( like g-rth's immortal lays , ) the keenest satyr with the finest praise . thy satyrs bite not , but like aesop's ass thou kick'st the darling whom thou would'st caress . would'st thou our youth from poetry affright , 't is wisely done , thy self in verse to write ? so drunken slaves the spartans did design should fright their children from the love of wine . go on , and rail as thou hast done before , thus lovers use when piqu'd in an amour : the nymph they can't enjoy , they call a whore. the quack corrected : or , advice to the knight of the ill-favour'd muse. let bl — re still , in good king arthur's vein , to fleckno's empire his just right maintain . let him his own to common sence oppose , with praise and stander maul both friends and foes let him great dr-d-n's awful name profane ; and learned g-rth with envious pride disdain . codron's bright genius with vile punns lampoon , and run a muck at all the wits in town : let the quack scribble any thing but bills , his satyr wounds not ▪ but his physick kills . to the merry poetaster at sadlers-hall , in cheapside . unweildy pedant , let thy awkward muse with censures praise , with flatteries abuse . to lash and not be felt , in thee 's an art , thou ne're mad'st any , but thy school-boys smart . then be advis'd , and scribble not agen , thou' rt fashion'd for a flail and not a pen. if b — l's immortal wit thou woud'st decry , pretend 't is he that writ thy poetry . thy feeble satyr ne're can do him wrong , thy poems , and thy patients live not long . an equal match : or , a drawn battle . a monument of dullness to erect , b — y shou'd write , and bl — re shou'd correct ; like which no other piece can e're be wrought , for decency of stile , and life of thought . but that where b — y shall in judgment sit to pare excrescencies from bl — re's wit. to the mirrour of british knighthood , the worthy author of the satyr against wit ; occasion'd by the hemystick , p. . — heav'ns guard poor a — n. must i then passive stand ! and can i hear the man i love , abus'd , and yet forbear ? yet much i thank thy favour to my friend , 't was some remorse thou didst not him commend . thou dost not all my indignation raise , for i prefer thy pity to thy praise ; in vain thou woud'st thy name , dull pedant , hide , there 's not a line but smells of thy cheapside . if caesar's bounty for your trash you 've shar'd , you 're not the first assassine he has spar'd . his mercy , not his justice , made thee knight , which p-rt-r may demand with equal right . well may'st thou think an useless talent wit , thou who without it hast three poems writ : impenetrably dull , secure thou' rt found , and can'st receive no more , than give a wound ; then , scorn'd by all , to some dark corner fly , and in lethargic trance expiring lie , till thou from injur'd g-rth thy cure receive , and s — d only absolution give . to the cheapside knight , on his satyr against wit. some scribling fops so little value fame , they sometimes hit , because they never aim . but thou for erring , hast a certain rule , and , aiming , art inviolably ▪ dull . thy muddy stream no lucid drop supplies , but punns like bubbles on the surface rise . all that for wit you cou'd , you 've kindly done , you cannot write , but can be writ upon . and a like fate does either side befit , immortal dullness , or immortal wit : in just extreams an equal merit lies , and b — le and g-rth with thee must share the prize , since thou canst sink , as much as they can rise . to the indefatigable rhimer . os — rs , t — t , d — ett , m — gue , g — y , s — ld , c — sh , p — ke , v — n , you who suffer bl — re to insult your tast , and tamely hear him bluster in bombast . bid him before he dares to write agen , resign his own , and take some other pen. d — n , shall numbers , c — ve wit inspire , dr — ke nicest rules , but b — le and codron fire . then g-rth shall teach him , and his witless tribe first to write sence , and after to prescribe ; the unlearn'd pedant , thus may please the town , but his own nauseous trash will ne're go down . for naught can equal , what the bard has writ , but r — ff's scholarship , and g — n's wit. a modest request to the poetical knight . since , b — y's nonsence to outdo , you strive , vain to be thought the dullest wretch alive , and such inimitable strains have writ , that the most famous blockheads must submit : long may you reign , and long unenvy'd live , and none invade your great prerogative . but in return , your poetry give o're , and persecute poor iob , and us no more . wholesome advice to a city knight , over-run with rhimes and hypocrisie : occasion'd by his satyr against wit. we bid thee not give o're the killing trade : whilst fees come in , 't is fruitless to diswade . religion is a trick , you 've practis'd long , to bring in pence , and gull the gaping throng . but all thy patients now perceive thy aim , they find thy morals , and thy skill the same . then , if thou would'st thy ignorance redress , prythee mind physick more , and rhiming less . to a thrice illustrious quack , pedant , and bard , on his incomparable poem call'd , a satyr against wit. by a lady . thou fund of nonsence , was it not enough that cits and pious ladies lik'd thy stuff , that as thou copy'dst virgil , all might see judicious bell-men imitated thee . that to thy cadence sextons set their chimes , and nurses skimming possets hum'd thy rhimes . but thou must needs fall foul on men of sence , with dullness equal to thy impudence . are d — n , c — dr — n , g — th , v — k , b — le , those names of wonder , that adorn our isle , fit subjects for thy vile pedantick pen ? hence sawcy usher to thy desk again : construe dutch notes , and pore upon boys a — es , but prithee write no more heroick farces . teach blooming blockheads by thy own try'd rules to give us demonstration that they 're fools . let 'em by n — 's sermon-stile refine their english prose , their poetry by thine . let w — sl — y's rhimes their emulation raise , and arw-k-r , instruct 'em how to praise . that , when all ages in this truth agree , they 're finish'd dunces , they may rival thee , thou only stain to mighty william's sword ! old iemmy never knighted such a t — d. for the most nauseous mixture god can make , is a dull pedant , and a busy quack . to sir r — bl — re , on the report of the two arthurs being condemn'd to be hang'd . once more take pen in hand , obsequious knight , for here 's a theme thou canst not underwrite , unless the devil ow's thy muse a spite . to prince and king thy dullness life did give , let then these arthurs too in dogg'rel live . occasion'd by the news that sir r — bl — 's paraphrase upon job was in the press . when iob , contending with the devil , i saw , it did my wonder , but not pity draw : for i concluded , that without some trick , a saint at any time cou'd match old nick. next came a fiercer fiend upon his back , i mean his spouse , and stunn'd him with her clack . but still i cou'd not pity him , as knowing a crabtree-cudgel soon wou'd send her going . but when the quack engag'd with iob i spy'd , the lord have mercy on poor iob , i cry'd . what spouse and satan did attempt in vain , the quack will compass with his murdring pen , and on a dunghil leave poor iob again . with impious dogg'rel he 'll pollute his theme , and make the saint against his will blaspheme . a tale . poems and prose of different force lay claim with the same confidence to tully's name . and shallow criticks were content to say , prose was his bus'ness , poetry his play. thus caesar thought , thus brutus and the rest , who knew the man , and knew his talent best . maurus arose , sworn foe to health and wit , who folio bills and folio ballads writ . who bustled much for bread , and for renown , by lyes and poison scatter'd through the town . to roman wives with veneration known , for roman wives were very like our own . and husbands then we find in latin song wou'd love too little , and wou'd live too long . tully , says he , 't is plain to friends and foes , writes his own verse , but borrows all his prose . he fearless was , because he was not brave , a noble roman wou'd not beat a slave . the consul smiling , said , judicious friend , thy shining genius shall thy works defend . inimitable stroaks defend thy fame , thy beauties and thy force are still the same . and i must yield with the consenting town , thy ballads , and thy bills , are all thy own . vpon the character of codron , as 't is drawn by the bungling knight in his satyr against wit. how kind is malice manag'd by a sot , where no design directs the embrio thought , and praise and satyr stumble out by lot. the mortal thrust to codron's heart design'd , proves a soft wanton touch to charm his mind . can m — nt-gue or d-rs-t higher soar ! or can immortal sh-ff — ld wish for more ? brightness , force , justness , delicacy , ease , must form that wit , that can the ladies please . no false affected rules debauch their taste , no fruitless toils their generous spirits wast , which wear a wit into a dunce at last . no lumber-learning gives an awkward pride , false maxims cramp not , nor false lights misguide . voiture and w-lsh their easie hours employ , voiture and w-lsh oft read will never cloy . with care they guard the musick of their style , they fly from b — ly , and converse with b — le . they steal no terms , no notions from the schools , the pedant's pleasure , and the pride of fools ; with native charms their matchless thoughts surprize , soft as their souls , and beauteous as their eyes . gay as the light , and unconfin'd as air , chast and sublime , all worthy of the fair. how then can a rough artless indian wit the faultless palates of the ladies fit ? codron will never stand so nice a test , nor is 't with praise fair mouths oblige him best . let others make a vain parade of parts , whilst codron aims not at applause , but hearts . secure him those , and thou shall 't name the rest , thy spite shall choose the worst , thy taste the best . he will his health to mirmil's care resign , he will with buxtorf and with b — ly shine , and be a wit in any way , but thine . an epigram on job travesty'd by the city bard. poor iob lost all the comforts of his life , and hardly sav'd a potsherd , and a wife . yet iob blest god , and iob again was blest ▪ his vertue was essay'd , and bore the test. but had heav'n's wrath pour'd out its fiercest vial , had he been then burlesqu'd , without denial the patient man had yielded to that trial. his pious spouse with bl — re on her side must have prevail'd , and iob had curst , and dy'd . to the adventurous knight of cheapside , upon his satyr against wit. what frenzy has possess'd thy desp'rate brain , to rail at wit in this unhallow'd strain ? reproach of thy own kind ! to slander sense , the noblest gift bestow'd by providence ! was it revenge provok'd thee thus to write , because thou' rt curs'd to such a dearth of wit ? or was it eager passion for a name , to be inroll'd among the fools of fame ? like him , who rather than he 'd live obscure , would fire a church to make his name secure . or was it thy despair at length to find thy loads of chaff the sport of ev'ry wind ? to see thy hasty muse , that loves to roam , promise such journies , but come founder'd home ? just fate of sots , who think in their vain breast , their coffee-rhimes shall stand the publick test : seiz'd with prolifick dullness , 't is thy curse to write still on , and still too for the worse . who hates not wes — y , may thy works esteem , both alike able to disgrace their theme . but thou , thro' wild conceit aspiring still , claim'st in thy ravings esculapian-skill . quack thou art sure in both , and curs'd is he , who guided by his adverse stars to thee , employs thy deadly potions to reclaim his feeble health , thy pen to spread his fame . vpon the knighting of sir r — bl — re , for his incomparable poem call'd , king arthvr . be not puff'd up with knighthood , friend of mine , a merry prince once knighted a sir-loyn . and , if to make comparisons 't were safe , an ox deserv'd it better than a culf . thy pride and state i value not a rush , thou that art now king phyz , wast once king * vsh. vpon king arthur , partly written in the doctor 's coach , and partly in a coffee-house . let the malicious criticks snarl and rail , arthur immortal is , and must prevail . in vain they strive to wound him with their tongue , the lifeless faetus can receive no wrong . as rattling coach once thunder'd through the mire , out dropt abortive arthur from his sire . well may he then both time and death defie , for what was never born , can never die . vpon seeing a man light a pipe of tobacco in a coffee-house with a leaf of king arthur . in coffee-house begot , the short-liv'd brat , by instinct thither hasts to meet his fate . the phoenix to arabia thus returns , and in the grove , that gave her birth , she burns . thus wandring scot , when through the world he 's past , revisits ancient tweed with pious haste , and on paternal mountain dies at last . epigram , occasion'd by the passage in the satyr against wit , that reflects upon mr. tate , and ends thus , he 's honest , and , as wit comes in , will pay. rail on , discourteous knight . if modest tate is slow in making payments , what of that ! so is th' exchequer , so are half the lords , on whom thou hast bestow'd such sugar'd words . envy itself must own this truth of * nahum , that when the muses call , he strives to pay ' em . but can we this of thy damn'd hackney say , who as she nothing has , can nothing pay ? then be advis'd ; rail not at tate so fast , a psalm of his may chance to be thy last . a story of a greek chevalier , predecessor in a direct line to the british knight . when , fir'd by glory , philip's godlike son , the persian empire like a storm o'rerun , a worthless scribbler , chaerilus by name , in pompous dogg'rel soil'd the hero's fame . the grecian prince , to merit ever just , ( for monarchs did not then reward on trust ) read o're his rhimes , and to chastise such trash , gave him for each offending line a lash . thus bard went off , with many drubs requited , that 's in plain english , chaerilus was knighted . to the pious and worthy author of the satyr against wit. bl — re strove long with holy crafts to please , some thought him serious , therefore gave him fees ; much sanctity before his books he shows , but , whom his preface gains , his poems lose . no patients now consult him ; thus we find his practice with his poetry's declin'd . melancholy reflections on the deficiency of vseful learning . to sir r — bl — re . short are our powers , tho' infinite our will : what helps to useful knowledge want we still ! laborious l-st-r thirty years employs in painful search of nature's curious toys : yet many a painted shell , and shining fly must still in dirt , and dark oblivion lye . mysterious sl — ne may yet go on to stun ye with * cynocrambe , poppy-pye , bumbunny ; but from what records can we hope to know if poor * will. matthew's babe's surviv'd or no ? aeras from costly mummeries arose , but who th' important moment shall disclose 'till b-ntl-y writes of grecian puppet-shows ? heralds are paid , and registers are kept of ancient knights , who in full glory slept . but garter nods ; garter assigns no place to three illustrious knights of english race : nor will succeeding britains hear one word of good sir - loin , sir richard , or sir t — to the canting author of the satyr against wit. the preacher maurus cries , all wit is vain , unless 't is like his godliness , for gain . of most vain things he may the folly own : but wit 's a vanity he has not known . friendly advice to dr. bl — . knighthood to hero's only once was due , now 's the reward of stupid praise in you . why shou'd a quack be dubb'd , unless it be that pois'ning is an act of chivalry ? thus we must own you have your thousands slain with the dire stroks of your resistless pen. by whipping boys your cruelty began , and grew by bolder steps to killing man. just the reverse of dionysius fate , who fell to flogging bums from murdering the state. for both these trades your genius far unfit , at length with sawcy pride aspires to wit. which by pretending to , you more disgrace , than toasting beaus our ancient british race . i' th mountebank the ass had lain conceal'd , but his loud braying has the brute reveal'd . such vile heroics , such unhallow'd strains were never spawn'd before from irish brains . nor drowsy mum , no dozing vsquebaugh cou'd e're suggest such lines to sir iohn daw. you weakly skirmish with the sins o' th' age , and are the errant scavinger o' th' stage . why virtue makes no progress , now is plain , because such knights as you its cause maintain . if you 'd a friend to sense and virtue be , and to mankind , for once be rul'd by me , leave moralizing , drugs and poetry . to elkanah settle , the city-poet . wilt thou then passive see the sacred bays torn from thy brows in thy declining days , and tamely let a quack usurp thy place , so near guild-hall , and in my lord may'r's face ? rouze up for shame , assert thy ancient right , and from his city-quarters drive the knight . let father * iordan martial heat inspire , and unkle * tubman fill thy breast with fire . if bl — re cries , both arthurs are my own ; quote thou the fam'd cambyses , and pope ioan. cheapside at once two bards can ne're allow , but either he must abdicate , or thou . then if the knight still keeps up his pretence , e'en turn physician in thy own defence . 't is own'd by all the criticks of our time , thou canst as well prescribe , as bl — re rhime . to the author of the satyr against wit , upon concealing his name . he that in arthur's trash has pennance done , needs not be told who writ this vile lampoon . in both the same eternal dullness shines , inspires the thoughts , and animates the lines . in both the same lewd flattery we find , the praise defaming , and the satyr kind . alike the numbers , fashion , and design , no checquer-tallies cou'd more nicely joyn . thy foolish muse puts on her mask too late , we know the strumpet by her voice and gate . on job newly travestied by sir r — bl — . near lethe's banks , where the forgetful stream with lazy motion creeps , and seems to dream , iob with his thoughtful friends discoursing sate of all the dark mysterious turns of fate : and much they argued why heaven's partial care the good shou'd punish , and the bad shou'd spare : when io ! a shade , new landed , forward prest , and thus himself to listning iob addrest : illustrious ghost ! ( i come not to upbraid ) oh summon all thy patience to thy aid : a cheapside quack , whose vile unhallow'd pen with equal licence murders rhimes and men , in rumbling fustian has burlesqu'd thy page , and fam'd iack d-nt-n brings it on the stage , was ever man , the patient iob did cry , so plagu'd with cursed messengers , as i ? all other losses , unconcern'd i bore , but never heard such stabbing news before . who can behold the issue of his brain mangled by barbarous hands , and not complain ? this scribbling quack ( his fame i know too well by thousand ghosts whom he has sent to hell ) dull satan's feebler malice will resine , and stab me through and through in every line . the devil more brave , did open war declare , the fawning poet kills , and speaks me fair . curs'd be the wretch , that taught him first to write , and with lewd pen and ink indulg'd his spite : that fly-blow'd the young bard with buzzing rhymes , and fill'd his tender ears with grubstreet chimes . curs'd be the paper-mill his muse employs , curs'd be the sot who on his skill relies . thus iob complain'd , but to forget his grief , in lethe's sov'raign streams he sought relief . to sir r — bl — upon his vnhappy talent at praising and railing . thine is the only muse in british ground whose satyr tickles , and whose praises wound : sure hebrew first was taught her by her nurse , where the same word is used to bless and curse . to dr. garth , on the fourth edition of his incomparable poem , the dispensary ; occasion'd by some lines in the satyr against wit. bold thy attempt , in these hard times to raise in our unfriendly clime the tender bays , while northern blasts drive from the neighb'ring flood , and nip the springing lawrel in the bud. on such bleak paths our present poets tread , the very garland withers on each head. in vain the critics strive to purge the soil , fertile in weeds it mocks their busie toil. spontaneous crops of iobs and arthurs rise , whose tow'ring non-sense braves the very skies : like paper-kites the empty volumes fly , and by meer force of wind are rais'd on high . while we did these with stupid patience spare , and from apollo's plants withdrew our care , the muses garden did small product yield , but hemp , and hemlock over-ran the field ; 'till skilful garth , with salutary hand , taught us to weed , and cure poetic land , grubb'd up the brakes , and thistles , which he found , and sow'd with verse , and wit the sacred ground . but now the riches of that soil appear , which four fair harvests yields in half a year . no more let critics of the want complain of mantuan verse , or the maeonian strain ; above them garth do's on their shoulders rise , and , what our language wants , his wit supplies . fam'd poets after him shall strain their throats , and unfledg'd muses chirp their infant-notes . yes garth : thy enemies confess thy store , they burst with envy , yet they long for more : ev'n we , thy friends , in doubt thy kindness call , to see thy stock so large , and gift so small . but jewels in small cabinets are laid , and richest wines in little casks convey'd . let lumpish bl — re his dull hackney freight , and break his back with heavy folio's weight . his pegasus is of the flanders breed , and limb'd for draught , or burthen , not for speed. with cart-horse trot he sweats beneath the pack of rhiming prose , and knighthood on his back : made for a drudge , e'en let him beat the road , and tug of sensless rheams th' heroic load ; till overstrain'd the jade is set , and tires , and sinking in the mud with groans expires . then bl — re shall this favour owe to thee , that thou perpetuat'st his memory . bavius and maevius so their works survive , and in one single line of virgil's live . on sir r — bl — re's noble project to erect a bank of wit. the thought was great , and worthy of a cit , in present dearth , to erect a bank of wit. thus breaking trades-men , ready for a jayl , raise millions for our senate o're their ale. but thou' rt declar'd a bankrupt , and thy note even in old grub-street scarce wou'd fetch a groat . apollo scorns thy project , and the nine with indignation laugh at thy design . there 's not a trader to the sacred hill but knows thy wants , and would protest thy bill ; thy credit can't a farthing there command , though fr — ke and r — m — r shou'd thy sureties stand . to sir r — bl — re , on the two wooden horses before sadlers-hall . as trusty broom-staff midnight witch bestrides , when on some grand dispatch of hell she rides . o're gilded pinacles , and lofty towers , and tallest pines with furious hast she scowrs . out flies in her career the lab'ring wind , and sees spent exhalations lag behind . arriving at the black divan at last in some drear wood , or solitary wast : the fiend her cheated senses does delude , with airy visions of imagin'd food . ev'n so , dear knight , ( my freedom you 'll excuse ▪ if to a witch i have compar'd your muse ) ev'n so on wooden prancer , mounted high , your muse takes nimble journeys in the sky . when in her boldest strains , and highest flights , she sings of strange adventures , and exploits , battles , enchantments , furies , devils , and knights ; when she at arthur's fairy table dines , and high-pil'd dishes sees , and generous wines . 't was kindly done of the good-natur'd cits to place before thy door a brace of tits . for pegasus wou'd ne're endure the weight of such a quibbling , scribbling , dribbling knight : that generous steed , rather than gaul his back with a pedantie bard , and nauseous quack , wou'd kneel to take a pedlar and his pack . to a famous doctor and poet at sadlers-hall . if wit ( as we are told ) be a disease , and if physicians cure by contraries : bl — re alone the healing secret knows , 't is from his pen the grand elixir flows . to the cheapside quack : occasion'd by this verse in the satyr against wit , who with more ease can cure than c — ch kill . by a gentleman whom dr. c — lb — ch had cur'd of the gout . how durst thy railing muse , vain wretch , pretend in base lampoon thus to abuse my friend ! whose sacred art has freed me from my pains , and broke a haughty tyrant's stubborn chains ? keep off , for if thou com'st within my clutches , i 'll bast thy knighthood with my quondam crutches . the generous wine that does my sorrows drown , the charming caelia that my nights does crown , the manly pleasures of the sporting fields , the gay delights the pompous drama yields , all this , and more to his great skill i owe , such blessings can thy boasted helps bestow ? the snuff of life perhaps thy feeble art may fondly lengthen to thy patient's smart . but health no more 't is in thy power to give , than thy dull muse can make her heroes live . ev'n war and plague of killing , to arraign in thee , is most nonsensical and vain . thee , who a branded killer art declar'd , in both capacities of quack and bard. whatever sots to thy prescriptions fly , for their vain confidence are sure to die : and whate'er argument thy muse employs , her awkward stupid management destroys . death with sure steps thy doses still attends , and death too follows whom thy muse commends . what can escape thy all-destroying quill , when ev'n thy cordials , and thy praises kill ? thy mother sure , when in despair and pain she brought thee forth , thought of the murd'rer cain . to that most incomparable bard and quack , the author of the satyr against wit. i charge thee , knight , in great apollo's name , if thou' rt not dead to all reproof and shame , either thy rhimes , or clysters to disclaim . both are too much one feeble brain to rack , besides the bard will soon undo the quack . such shoals of readers thy damn'd fustian kills , thou 'lt scarce leave one alive to take thy pills . epigram upon king arthur . the british arthur , as historians tell , deriv'd his birth from merlin's magic spell . when vter , taking the wrong'd husband's shape , on fair igerne did commit a rape . but modern arthur of the cheapside line , may justly boast his parentage divine . wearing thy phyz , and in thy habit drest , the god of dullness his lewd dam comprest . a merry ballad on the city bard , to a new play-house tune . in london city near cheapside a wondrous bard does dwell , whose epics ( if they 're not bely'd ) do virgil's far excell : a sprightly wit , and person joyn'd , both poet and physician : artist as famous in his kind , for ought i know , as titian . in coffee-houses purest air his foggy lines he writes : in fields of dust and spittle there his british heroe fights . by sudden motion then o'reta'ne , the privy-house he chooses : great are his thoughts , and great his pain , and yet no time he loses . grip'd in his guts and muse , he there indites , and praises arthur most , when most he sh — . an epitome of a poem , truly call'd , a satyr against wit ; done for the vndeceiving of some readers , who have mistaken the panegyrick in that immortal work for the satyr , and the satyr for the panegyrick . who can forbear and tamely silent sit , l. . p. . and see his native land as void of wit l. . as every piece the city-knight has writ ? how happy were the old unpolish'd times , l. . as free from wit , as other modern crimes , l. . and what is more from , bl — re's nauseous rhimes . as our fore-fathers vig'rous were and brave , l. . so they were virtuous , wise , discreet and grave , l. . and wou'd have call'd our quack a fawning slave . clodpate , by banks , and stocks , and projects bit , l. . p. . turns up his whites , and in his pious fit , l. . he cheats and prays , a certain sign of cit. l. . craper runs madly ' midst the thickest crowd , l. . sometimes says nothing , sometimes talks aloud . under the means he lies , frequents the stage , l. . is very lewd , and does at learning rage ; l. . and this vile stuff we find in every page . a bant'ring spirit , has our men possest , l. . and wisdom is become a standing jest , l. . which is a burning shame i do protest . wit does of virtue sure destruction make , l. . who can produce a wit , and not a rake ? l. . a challenge started ne're but by a quack . the mob of wits is up to storm the town , l. . p. to pull all virtue and right reason down , l. . then to surprize the tower , and steal the crown , and the lewd crew affirm , by all that 's good , l. . they 'll ne're disperse till they have b — re's blood ; l. . but they 'll ne're have his brains , by good king lud. for that industrious bard of late has done l. . p. . the rarest piece of wit that e're was shown , l. . and publish'd dogg'rel he 's asham'd to own . the skilful t-s-n's name they dare invade , l. . p. . and yet they are undone without his aid ; l. . did they read thee , i shou'd conclude them mad. t — s — n with base reproaches they pursue , l. . p. . just as his moor-fields patients us'd to do , l. . who give to t — s — n , what is t — s — n's due . wit does enfeeble and debauch the mind , l. . before to business or to arts inclin'd : l. . then thou wilt never be debauch'd , i find . had s — rs , h — t , or t — y , who with awe l. , , , . we name , been wits , they ne're had learn'd the law. but sure this compliment's not worth a straw . the law will ne're support the bant'ring breed , l. . tho' blockheads may , yet wits can ne're succeed , l. . for which friend sl — ne i hope will break thy head. r — ff has wit and lavishes away l. . so much in nauseous northern brogue each day , as wou'd suffice to damn a smithfield-play . wit does our schools and colleges invade , l. . p. . and has of letters vast destruction made , l. . but that it spoils thy learning , can't be said . that such a failure no man may incense , l. . p. . let us erect a bank for wit and sense : l. . and so set up at other mens expence . let s — r , d — t , s — ld , m — gue l. . lend but their names the project then will do : l. . what! lend 'em such a bankrupt wretch as you . duncombs and claytons of parnassus all , l. . who cannot sink , unless the hill shou'd fall , l. . why then , they need but go to sadlers-hall . st. e — m — t , to make the thing compleat , l. . p. . no english knows , and therefore is most fit to oversee the coining of our wit. l. . nor shall m — rs , w — tt , ch-rl-tt be forgot , with solid fr — ke and r — r and who not ? then all our friends the actions shall cry up , l. . p. . and all the railing mouths of envy stop . l. . wou'd we cou'd padlock thine , eternal fop. the project then will t — tts test abide , l. . p. . and with his mark please all the world beside . l. . but dare thy arthurs by this test be tried ? then what will d — d — n , g — h , or c — ng — ve say l. . p. . when all their wicked mixture's purg'd away ? l. . thy metal 's baser than their worst allay . what will become of s-th-n , w — ch — y l. . who by this means will grievous sufferers be ? l. . no matter , they 'l ne're send a brief to thee . all these debauch'd by d — n and his crew l. . p. . turn bawds to vice , and wicked aims pursue : l. . to hear thee cant wou'd make ev'n b — ss spew . for now an honest man can't peep abroad , l. . p. . nor a chast muse , but whip they bring a rod. l. . e'n atticus himself these men wou'd curse , l. . p. . shou'd atticus appear without his purse , l. . if this be praise , what libel can say worse ? nay darfell too , shou'd he forbear to treat , l. . p. . these men that cry him up , their words wou'd eat , l. . and say in scorn , he had no brains to beat . finis . advertisement . upon the publishing of iob and habakkuk , an heroic poem daily expected , but deferr'd upon political reasons , new subscription-books will be open'd at will 's coffee-house in covent-garden , and all gentlemen , that are willing to subscribe , are desired to send in their quota's . notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a -e * alluding to the two kings in the rehearsal . * mr. tate 's christian name . * see a late pamphlet call'd , the transactioneer . * see a late pamphlet call'd , the transactioneer . * two famous city-poets . * two famous city-poets . a description of mr. d-n's funeral a poem. brown, thomas, - . approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : - (eebo-tcp phase ). a wing b estc r ocm this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) a description of mr. d-n's funeral a poem. brown, thomas, - . the third edition. , [ ] p. printed for a. baldwin ..., london : . reproduction of original in huntington library. advertisement: p. [ ] satirical poem describing dryden's funeral. attributed to thomas brown. cf. nuc pre- . created by converting tcp files to tei p using tcp tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between and available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the , texts created during phase of the project have been released into the public domain as of january . anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. % (or pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf- unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p , characters represented either as utf- unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng dryden, john, - -- poetry. - tcp assigned for keying and markup - aptara keyed and coded from proquest page images - chris scherer sampled and proofread - chris scherer text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion a description of mr. d — n's funeral a poem . the third edition , with additions . london , printed for a. baldwin in vvarwicklane , m.dcc. price d. a description , &c. of kings renown'd and mighty bards i write , some slain by whores , and others kill'd in fight ; some starving liv'd , whilst others were prefer'd ; but all , when dead , are in one place inter'd . a fabrick stands by antient heroes built , design'd for holy use t' atone their guilt ; here sacred urns of majesty they keep , here kings and poets most profoundly sleep ; heer choristers in hymns their voices raise , and charm the dreadful goblins from the place . tho throng'd with tombs , no specter here is found , they sing the very devil off the ground : no night-mare dances 'mongst the antient tombs , nor sulphurous incubus dispenses fumes ; nor let no subterranean hag afright my muse , whilst of the funeral i write . a bard there was , who whilome did command , and held the lawrel in his potent hand ; he o'er parnassus bore imperial sway , him all the little tribes of bards obey : but bards and kings , how e'er approv'd and great , must stoop at last to the decrees of fate . fate bid him for the stroke of death prepare , and then remov'd him to the lord knows where . if to the living we such tributes owe , we on the dead must pious rites bestow ; to our assistance all the wits must call , to grace the glory of the funeral . who is the first appears unto our view , but haughty , proud , imperious m — who cocks his chin , and scarce affords a vvord , but looks as big as any belgick lord ; in the best dairies fed , grown sleek and fat , the creeping mouse is turn'd into a rat : of others brows he licks the toilsom sweat , and by our sins grows impudently great : as chief of vvits he does himself prefer , and with our gold bribes ev'ry flatterer ; but men of sense and honour does despise , and crushes such as would by virtue rise , vvhilst each lewd rakehel of the nauseous town he fills with coin , and does with honours crown . the nation 's vvealth he most profusely spends , but not on such as are the nation 's friends ; but such as wrote our country to inslave , his kindness follows even to the grave . he the great bard at his own charge inters , and dying vice to living vvorth prefers . some others too in the affair are join'd , alike in morals , and alike in mind ; but these my muse must here forbear to name , scarce worthy honour , or deserving fame . the day is come , and all the vvits must meet from covent-garden down to watling-street ; they all repair to the physicians dome , there lies the corps , and there the eagles come : no corps an entrance has within this gate , none are admitted here to lie in state , but such as fate a noted death has carv'd , a cutpurse hang'd , or a poor poet starv'd ; one is anatomiz'd when he is dead . the other in his life for want of bread. a troop of stationers at first appear'd , and iacob t — n captain of the guard ; iacob the muses midwife , who well knows to ease a lab'ring muse of pangs and throws ; he oft has kept the infant-poet warm , oft lick'd th' unweildy monster into form ; oft do they in high flights and raptures swell , drunk with the waters of our iacob's well . next these the play-house sparks do take their turn , with such as under mercury are born , as poets , fidlers , cut-purses , and whores , draps of the playhouse , and of common-shores ; pimps , panders , bullies , and eternal beaux , fam'd for short vvits , loug vvigs , and gaudy clothes ; all sons of meter tune the voice in praise , from lofty strains , to humble ekes and ays : the singing-men and clarks who charm the soul , and all the traders in fa la fa sol : all these the funeral obsequies do aid , as younger brothers of the rhyming trade . the tuneful rabble now together come , they fill with dolesome sighs the sable room ; some groan'd , some sob'd , and some i think there wept , and some got drunk , loll'd down , and snoar'd and slept . around the corps in state they wildly press ; in notes unequal , like pindarick verse , each one does his sad sentiments express . the player says , my friends , we are undone , see here , the muses best and darling son is from us to the blest elizium gone : what other poet for us will engage to be the prop of the declining stage ? all other poets are not worth a louse , there fell the prop of our once glorious house : but now from us by fate untimely torn , leaves the dull stage a desart and forlorn . a dismal sadness in each face appears ; and such as could not speak , burst out in tears ▪ his death , alas ! affected ev'ry body , and fetcht deep sighs and tears from ev'ry noddy : it much affected every tuneful ringer , but most of all the jolly ballad-singer , who now at a street's corner must no more a play-house song in equal numbers roar : nay , i am told , when he his last gasp groan'd , the bel-rope trembl'd and the organ ton'd : and as great things affect a little thing , this was the death of many a fiddle-string . no chronicles i read of do relate such a sad hurricane in church and state. the charming songsters at our great s. paul's cou'd scarce sing pray'rs to save their very souls ; the boys were dumb ; the singingmen were wounded , all the whole choir disabl'd and confounded ; and when the prayers were ended , alas then the clark could hardly sob out an amen . not a crowdero at a bawdy-house , who us'd in racy liquors to carouse , but with sad haste unto the burial ran , forgets his tipple , and neglects his can. with tag-rag , bob-tail was the room full fill'd , you 'd think another babel to be built ; not more confusion at st. batt's fam'd fair , or at guild-hall for choice of a lord mayor . but stay my muse , the learned g — th appears , he sighing comes , and is half drown'd in tears ; the famous g — th whom learned poets call knight of the order of the urinal . he of apollo learnt his wondrous skill , he taught him how to sing and how to kill ; for all he sends unto the darksom grave , he honours also with an epitaph . he entertain'd the audience with oration , tho very new , yet something out of fashion : but 'cause the hearers were with learning blest , he said it in the language of the beast : but so pronounc'd , the sound and sense agrees , a country mouse talks better in a cheese , or iack-at-a pinch , when reeling he repairs to neighb'ring church to mumble o'er his pray'rs . the sense and wit they say was very good , tho neither seen , felt , heard , nor understood . thus we must all , as common rumour saith , believe the doctor by implicit faith : next him the sons of musick pass along , and murder horace in confounded song ; vvhose monument , more durable than brass , is now defac'd by every chanting ass. no man at tyburn , doom'd to take a swinging , vvould stay to hear such miserable singing , where all the beasts of musick try their throats , and different species use their different notes : here the ox bellows , there the satyr howls ; the puppies whine , and the bold mastiff growls ; the magpys chatter , and the night-owls screek ; the old pigs grunt , and all the young ones squeek : yet all together make melodious songs , as bumpkin trols to rusty pair of tongs . now , now the time is come , the parson says , and for their exeunt to the grave he prays : the way is long , and folk the streets are clogging , therefore my friends away , come let 's be jogging . assist me thou who , clad in sun-beam vveeds , driv'st round the orb each day with fiery steeds ; vvho neither art with heat nor cold opprest , art never weary , tho thou tak'st no rest : assist me to describe the cavalcade , vvhat mighty figure thro the streets they made . before the herse the mourning hautboys go , and screech a dismal sound of grief and vvo ; more dismal notes from bogtrotters may fall , more dismal plaints at irish funeral . but no such flood of tears e'er stopt our tide since charles the martyr and the monarch dy'd . the decency and order first describe , vvithout regard to either sex or tribe . the sable coaches lead the dismal van , but by their sides i think few footmen ran , nor needed these , the rabble fill the streets , and mob with mob in great disorder meets . see next the coaches how they are accouter'd both in the inside , eke and on the outward . one pocky spark , one sound as any roach , one poet and two fidlers in a coach ; the play-house drab , that beats the beggars bush , and bawdy talks , would make an old whore blush , by every bully kiss'd , good truth , but such is now her good fate to ride with mrs. dutchess . was e'er immortal poet thus buffoon'd ? in a long line of coaches thus lampoon'd ? a man with gout and stone quite wearied , would rather live than thus be buried . what greater plague can heav'n on man bestow , who must with knaves on life's dull journy go ? and when on t' other shoar he 's landed safe , a crowd of fools attend him to the grave , a crowd so nauseous , so profusely lewd , vvith all the vices of the times endu'd , that cowley's marble wept to see the throng , old chaucer laugh'd at their unpolish'd song , and spencer thought he once again had seen the imps attending on his fairy queen ; her little tib , and tom , and mib , and mab , come to lament the death of poet squab . but burying is not all the rites we owe , some other obsequies we must bestow : must so religious , so profound a vvit , be toss'd like common dust into the pit ? the fates forbid ! we 'l surely fill the plains and neighb'ring vvoods with elegiack strains : e'en newgate's chaplain , who in 's office fell , instructing villains in the way to hell ; he had the muses pass-port on his herse , his praises sung in everlasting verse . nay , a dutch mastiff late in state did lie ; my lady's lap-dog had an elegy ; and shall not dr — n have one oh! fy , fy ? yes , say the oxford and the cambridg sparks , we 'll sing his death as sweet as any larks ; oxford and cambridg , the renowned schools , fam'd for a breed of wise men and of fools , vvhere infant wits , with water-gruel fed , and little puny sucking priests are bred ; where conjurers employ their time in vision , whence many a learned saffold has his mission ? these always march in verse in rank and file , in company pursue poetick toil ; here a battalion do's in english lead , while one in latin dos the troopers head : but such the wit and sense , you 'd think the elves did only write but just to please themselves : pl — rd laments that he their lines bespoke , and swears the bookseller is almost broke . finis . books sold by a. baldwin in vvarwicklane . the dream . a poem , addrest to sir charles duncomb . by r. gold. the foreigners . a poem . part i. a letter to his majesty k. william , shewing , . the original foundation of the english monarchy . . the means by which it was remov'd from that foundation . . the expedients by which it has been supported since that removal . . it s present constitution as to all its integral parts . . the best means by which its grandeur may be for ever maintain'd . by the reverend mr. stephens rector of sutton in surrey . a letter to a member of parliament , shewing that a restraint on the press is inconsistent with the protestant religion , and dangerous to the liberties of the nation . a short account how the kingdom of denmark was chang'd from a popular government to an hereditary and absolute monarchy , through a difference betwixt the lords and commons . an answer to a letter from a gentleman in the country , containing seven queries relating to the present ministry , and men in imployments . . the state of the navy considered in relation to the victualling , particularly in the straits and the west indies . with some thoughts on the late mismanagements of the admiralty , and a proposal to prevent the like for the future . . remarks on the present condition of the navy , and particularly of the victualling . in two parts . the first exploding the notion of fortifying of garisons , and proving that the only security of england consists in a good fleet. the second containing a reply to the observations on the first part , with a discourse on the discipline of the navy ; shewing that the abuses of the seamen are the highest violation of magna charta , and of the rights and liberties of english-men . . a letter to a member of parliament concerning clandestine trade ; shewing how far the evil practices at the custom-house at london tend to the incouragement of such a trade . written by a fair merchant . a dialogue between a director of the new east india company , and one of the committee for preparing by-laws : in which those for an impartial rotation of directors , and the preventing of bribes , are particularly debated . memoirs of sir iohn berkely , containing an account of his negotiation with lieutenant general cromwel , commissary general ireton , and other officers of the army , for restoring k. charles the first to the exercise of the government of england . memoirs of secret service . containing the fullest and most early discovery , . of the late intended assassination of his majesty king william , with the consultations and meetings in order thereunto . . of the intended invasion from france . . of the arrival of the thoulon fleet at . brest . . of a number of arms conceal'd in warwickshire by sir william parkyns , which his since lodg'd in the tower : with other affairs of great moment . to which is added , a character of rob. f — n. by capt. matthew smyth , who kept a private correspondence for several years with a great minister of state. two pamphlets in vindication of the said memoirs ; the one in answer to the d. of s's letter , the other against r. k. books written against a standing army . an argument shewing , that a standing army is inconsistent with a free government , and absolutely destructive to the constitution of the english monarchy . in parts . a letter from the author of the argument against a standing army , to the author of the ballancing letter . some queries for the better understanding k. iames's list of irish heroes published at the savoy , in answer to what had bin , and what should be writ against a standing army . a discourse of government with relation to militias . the militia reform'd , or an easy scheme of furnishing england with a constant land force , capable to prevent or to subdue any foreign power , and to maintain perpetual quiet at home , without endangering the publick liberty . a short history of standing armies in england . a letter to a member of parliament concerning guards and garisons . a d letter concerning the four regiments commonly called mareeners . the seaman's opinion of a standing army , in opposition to a fleet at sea as the best security of the kingdom . in a letter to a merchant written by a sailor . the state of the case , or the case of the state. a confutation of a late pamphlet intituled , a letter ballancing the necessity of keeping up a land force in times of peace with the dangers that may follow on it . part i. the second part of the confutation of the ballancing letter ; containing an occasional discourse in vindication of magna charta . in which is shewn , . that magna charta is much older than k. iohn . . that the confirmations procured to it in his and henry the d's reigns , were far from being gain'd by rebellion . the whole containing an historical account and defence of the proceedings of the barons against those kings for their open and notorious violations of magna charta , and the english laws and liberties . love given o're, or, a satyr against the pride, lust, and inconstancy &c. of woman approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : - (eebo-tcp phase ). a wing g estc r ocm this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) love given o're, or, a satyr against the pride, lust, and inconstancy &c. of woman brown, thomas, - . gould, robert, d. ? [ ], p. printed for andrew green, london : . variously attributed to robert gould and thomas brown--nuc pre- imprints. reproduction of original in the harvard university library. created by converting tcp files to tei p using tcp tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between and available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the , texts created during phase of the project have been released into the public domain as of january . anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. % (or pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf- unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p , characters represented either as utf- unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng women -- poetry. - tcp assigned for keying and markup - apex covantage keyed and coded from proquest page images - andrew kuster sampled and proofread - andrew kuster text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion love given o're : or , a satyr against the pride , lust , and inconstancy , &c. of woman . london , printed for andrew green. m. dc . lxxxii . to the reader . the pious endeavours of the gown , has not prov'd more ineffectual in the reclaiming the errors of a vitious age , than satyr ( the better way , tho' less practis'd ) the amendment of honesty , and good manners amongst us . nor is it a wonder , when we consider that women , ( as if they had the ingredient of fallen-angel in their composition ) the more they are lash'd , are but the more hardned in impenitence : and as children in some violent distemper , commonly spit out those cherishing cordials , which if taken , might chace away the malady : so they ( inspir'd as 't were with a natural aversness to vertue ) despise that wholsom counsel , which is religiously design'd for their future good , and happiness . judge then , if satyr ever had more need of a sharper sting than now ; when he can look out of his cell on no side , but sees so many objects beyond the reach of indignation . nor is it altogether unreasonable for me ( while others are lashing the rebellious times into obedience ) to have one fling at woman , the original of mischief . altho' i 'me sensible i might as well expect to see truth and honesty uppermost in the world , as think to be free from the bitterness of their resentments : but i have no reason to be concern'd at that ; since i 'me certain my design 's as far from offending the good , ( if there are any amongst 'em that can be said to be so ) as those few that are good , would be offended at their reception into the eternal inhabitations of peace , to be crown'd there with the sacred reward of their labours . as for those that are ill , if it reflect on them it succeeds according to my wish ; for i have no other design but the amendment of vice , which if i could but in the least accomplish , i should be well pleas'd ; and not without reason too ; for it must needs be a satisfaction to a young unskilful archer , to hit the first mark he ever aim'd at . farewell . love given o're : or , a satyr against woman . at length from love's vile slav'ry i am free , and have regain'd my ancient liberty : i 've shook those chains off which my bondage wrought , am free as ayr , and unconfin'd as thought ; for faithless silvia i no more adore , kneel at her feet , and pray in vain no more : no more my verse shall her fled worth proclaim , and with soft praises celebrate her name : her frowns do now no awful terrours bear ; her smiles no more can cure or cause despair . i 've banish'd her for ever from my breast , banish'd the proud invader of my rest , banish'd the tyrant author of my woes , that robb'd my soul of all its sweet repose : not all her treach'rous arts , bewitching wiles , her sighs , her tears , nor her deluding smiles , shall my eternal resolution move , or make me talk , or think , or dream of love : the whining curse i 've banish'd from my mind , and with it , all the thoughts of womankind . come then my muse , and since th' occasion 's fair , 'gainst the lewd sex proclaim an endless war ; which may renew as still my verse is read , and live , when i am mingl'd with the dead : discover all their various sorts of vice , the rules by which they ruine and intice , their folly , falshood , lux'ry , lust , and pride , with all their num'rous race of crimes beside : unvail 'em quite to ev'ry vulgar eye , and in that shameful posture let 'em lie , till they ( as they deserve ) become to be abhorr'd by all mankind , as they 're abhorr'd by me . woman ! by heav'ns the very name 's a crime , enough to blast , and to debauch my rhime . sure heav'n it self ( intranc't ) like adam lay , or else some banish'd fiend usurp't the sway when eve was form'd ; and with her , usher'd in plagues , woes , and death , and a new world of sin. the fatal rib was crooked and unev'n , from whence they have their crab-like nature giv'n ; averse to all the laws of man , and heav'n . o lucifer , thy regions had been thin , were 't not for womans propagating sin : 't is they alone that all true vices know ; and send such throngs down to thy courts below : more souls they 've made obedient to thy raign , than heav'n , and earth , and seas beside , contain . true , the first woman gave the first bold blow , and bravely sail'd down to th' abyss below ; but had the great deed still been left undone , none of the daring sex , no , hardly one , but in the very self-same path would go , tho' sure 't wou'd lead 'em to eternal woe : find me ye pow'rs , find one amongst 'em all , that does not envy eve the glory of the fall : be cautious then , and guard your empire well ; for shou'd they once get power to rebel , they 'd surely raise a civil-war in hell , add to the pains you feel ; and make you know , w' are here above , as curst as you below . how happy had we been , had heav'n design'd some other way to propagate our kind ? for whatso'ere those all-discerning pow'rs created sweet , wife ! nauseous wife ! turn'd sow'r ; debauch'd th' innocent , ambrosial mea and ( like eves apple ) made it death to eat : but curst be the vile name , and curst be they , who are so tamely dull as to obey . the slaves they may command ; is there a dog , who , when he may have freedom , wears a clog ? but man , base man , the more imprudent beast , drags the dull weight when he may be releas't : may such ye gods ( too many such we see ) while they live here , just only live , to be the marks of scorn , contempt , and infamy . but if the tyde of nature boist'rous grow , and would rebelliously its banks o'reflow , then chuse a wench , who ( full of lewd desires ) can meet your flouds of love with equal fires ; and will , when e're you let the deluge flie , through an extended sluce strait drain it dry ; that whirl-pool sluce which never knows a shore , ne're can be fill'd so full as to run ore , for still it gapes , and still cries — room for more ! such only damn the soul ; but a damn'd wife , damns that , and with it all the joys of life : and what vain blockhead is so dull , but knows , that of two ills the least is to be chose . but now , since womans boundless lust i name , womans unbounded lust i 'le first proclaim : trace it through all the secret various ways , where it still runs in an eternal maze : and show that our lewd age has brought to view , what impious sodom , and gomorrah too , were they what once they were , would blush to do . true , i confess that rome's emperial whore , ( more fam'd for lust , than for the crown she wore ) aspir'd to deeds so impiously high , that their immortal fame will never die : into the publick stews ( disguis'd ) she thrust , to quench the raging fury of her lust : her part against th' assembly she made good , and all the sallies of their lust withstood , and drain'd 'em dry ; exhausted all their store ; yet all could not content th' insatiate whore , her c — — like the dull grave , still gap't for more . this , this she did , and bravely got her name born up for ever on the wings of fame : yet this is poor , to what our modern age has hatch'd , brought forth , and acted on the stage : which for the sex's glory i 'le reherse ; and make that deathless , as that makes my verse . who knew not ( for to whom was she unknown ) our late illustrious bewley ? ( true , she 's gone to answer for the num'rous ills sh 'as done ; who , tho' in hell ( in hell , if any where ) hemm'd round with all the flames and tortures there , finds 'em not fiercer , tho' she feels the worst , then when she liv'd , her own wild flames of lust. ) as albions isle fast rooted in the main , does the rough billows raging force disdain , which tho' they foam , and with loud terrors rore , yet they can never reach beyond their shore . so she with lusts enthusiastick rage , sustain'd all the salt stallions of the age. whole legions she encounter'd , legions tir'd ; insatiate yet , still fresh supplies desir'd . illustrious bawd ! whose fame shall be display'd , when heroes glories are in silence laid , in as profound a silence , as the slaves their conqu'ring swords dispatch'd into their graves . but bodies must decay ; for 't is too sure , there 's nothing from the jaws of time secure . yet , when she found that she could do no more , when all her body was one putrid sore , studded with pox , and ulcers quite all o're ; ev'n then , by her delusive treach'rous wiles , ( which show'd most specious when they most beguil'd ) sh' enroll'd more females in the list of whore , than all the arts of man e're did before . prest with the pond'rous guilt , at length she fell ; and through the solid centre sunk to hell : the murm'ring fiends all hover'd round about , and in hoarse howls did the great bawd salute ; amaz'd to see a sordid lump of clay , stain'd with more various bolder crimes than they : nor were her torments less ; for the dire train , soon sent her howling through the rowling flames , to the sad seat of everlasting pain . cresswold , and stratford , the same path do tread ; in lust's black volumes so profoundly read , that wheresoe're they die , we well may fear , the very tincture of the crimes they bear , with strange infusion may inspire the dust , and in the grave commit true acts of lust. and now , if so much to the world 's reveal'd , reflect on the vast stores that lie conceal'd : how , when into their closets they retire , where flaming dil — s does inflame desire , and gentle lap-d — s feed the am'rous fire : lap-d — s ! to whom they are more kind and free , than they themselves to their own husbands be . how curst is man ! when bruits his rivals prove , ev'n in the sacred bus'ness of his love. great was the wise man's saying , great , as true ; and we well know , than he none better knew ; ev'n he himself acknowledges the womb to be as greedy as the gaping tomb : take men , dogs , lions , bears , all sorts of stuff , yet it will never cry — there is enough . nor are their consciences ( which can betray where e're they 're sworn to love ) less large than they ; consciences , so lewdly unconfin'd ! that ev'ry one wou'd , cou'd they act their mind , to their own single share engross ev'n all mankind . and when the mind 's corrupt , we all well know , the actions that proceed from 't must be so . their guilt 's as great who any ills wou'd do , as their's who freely do those ills pursue : that they would have it so their crime assures ; thus if they durst , all women wou'd be whores . forgive me modesty , if i have been in any thing i 've mention'd here , obscene ; since my design is to detect their crimes , which ( like a deluge ) overflow the times : but hold — why shou'd i ask that boon of thee , when 't is a doubt if such a thing there be ? for woman , in whose breasts thou' rt said to raign , and show the glorious conquests thou dost gain , despises thee , and only courts the name : ( sounds tho' we cannot see , yet we may hear ; and wonder at their ecchoing through the air. ) thus led by what delusive fame imparts , we think thy throne 's erected in their hearts ; but we' are deceiv'd ; as faith we ever were , for if thou art , i ▪ me sure thou art not there : nothing in those vile mansions does reside , but rank ambition , luxury , and pride . pride is the deity they most adore ; hardly their own dear selves they cherish more : when she commands , her dictates they obey as freely , as the lamp that guides the day rowls round the globe to its great maker's will ; vain sensless sex ! how swift they flie to ill ? 't is true , pride revels chiefly in the heart , from whence she does diffuse with impious art , her nauseous poysons into ev'ry part : survey their very looks , you 'l find it there ; how can you miss it when 't is ev'ry where ? some , through all hunted nature's secrets trace , to fill the furrows of a wrinkl'd face ; and after all their toyl ( pray , mark the curse ) they 've only made that which was bad , much worse . as some in striving to make ill coin pass , have but the more discover'd that 't was brass . nay those that are reputed to be fair , and know how courted , and admir'd they are , who one would think , god had made so compleat , they had no need to make his gifts a cheat ; yet they too in adulteration share , and wou'd in spight of nature be more fair . deluded woman ! tell me , where 's the gain , in spending time upon a thing so vain ? your precious time , ( o to your selves unkind ! ) when 't is uncertain you 've an hour behind which you can call your own : for tho' y' are fair , and beautiful as guardian angels are ; adorn'd by nature , fitted out by art , in all the glories that delude the heart : yet tell me , tell ; have they the pow'r to save ? or can they priviledge you from the grave ? the grave which favors not the rich or fair ; beauty with beast lies undistinguish'd there . but hold — methinks i 'me interrupted here , by some gay-fop i neither love nor fear ; who in these words his weakness does reveal , and hurts that wound which he shou'd strive to heal . " soft sir , methinks you too inveterate grow ; " y' are so much theirs , y' are to your self a foe , " and more your envy , than discretion show . " who 'd blame the sun because he shines so bright , " that we can't gaze upon his daz'ling light ? " when at the self-same time he cheers the earth , " and gives the various plants , and blossoms birth . " how does the winter look , that naked thing , " compar'd with the fresh glories of the spring ? " rivers , adorn the earth ; the fish , the seas ; " flow'rs , and grass , the meadows ; fruit , the trees ; " the stars , the fields of air through which they ride ; " and woman , all the works of god beside : " yet base detracting envy wont allow " they should adorn themselves ; then pray sir , now " produce some reason's why y' are so severe ; " for envious as you are , you know they 're fair. true sir say i — so were those apples too , which in the midst of the first garden grew ; but when they were examin'd , all within , wrapt in a specious and alluring skin , lay the rank baits of never-dying sin. nature made all things fair ; 't is not deny'd ; and dress'd 'em in an unaffected pride : the earth , the meadows , rivers , woods , and flow'rs , proclaim the skill of their great maker's pow'r ; and as they first were made , do yet remain , and all their prim'tive beauties still retain . nothing but vain fantastick woman 's chang'd ; and through all mischief 's various mazes rang'd : and with strange frantick folly they have shown , ( folly peculiar to themselves alone ) more ways to pride , sloth , and all sorts of sin , than there are fires in hell to plunge 'em in . thus , that they 're fair , you see is not deny'd ; but tell me , are th' unhansom free from pride ? no , no ; the strait , the crooked , ugly , fair , have all , promiscuously , an equal share . thus sir , you see how they 're estrang'd , and stray'd , from what by nature they at first were made . yet , tho' so many of their crimes i 've nam'd , that 's still untold for which they most are fam'd : a sin ! ( tall as the pyramids of old ) from whose aspiring top we may behold enough to damn a world — what shou'd it be , but ( curse upon the name ! ) inconstancy ? o tell me , does the world those men contain ( for i have look't for such , but look't in vain ) who ne're were drawn into their fatal snares ? fatal call 'em , for he 's damn'd that 's there . inspir'd then by your wrongs , and my just spight , i 'le bring the fiend unmask't to humane sight , tho hid in the black womb of deepest night . no more the wind , the faithless wind , shall be a simile for their inconstancy , for that sometimes is fixt ; but woman's mind , is never fixt , or to one point inclin'd : less fixt than in a storm the billows be ; or trembling leaves upon an apsen tree , which ne're stand still , but ( ev'ry way inclin'd ) turn twenty times with the least breath of wind. less fixt than wanton swallows while they play in the sun-beams , to welcome in the day : now yonder , now they 're here , as soon are there , in no place long , and yet are ev'ry where . like a toss'd ship their passions fall and rise , one while you 'd think it touch'd the very skies , when strait upon the sand it grov'ling lies . ev'n she her self , silvia th' lov'd , and fair , whose one kind look cou'd save me from despair ; she , she whose smiles i valu'd at that rate , to enjoy them i scorn'd the frowns of fate ; ev'n she her self ( but ah! i 'me loth to tell , or blame the crimes of one i lov'd so well ; but it must out ) ev'n she , swift as the wind , swift as the airy motions of the mind , at once prov'd false and perjur'd , and unkind . here they to day invoke the pow'rs above , as witnesses to their immortal love ; when ( lo ! ) away the airy fantom flies , and e're it can be said to live it dies : thus all religious vows , and oaths they break , with the same ease and freedom as they speak . nor is that sacred idol , marriage free , ( marriage ! which musty drones affirm to be the tye of souls , as well as bodies ! nay , the spring that does through unseen pipes convey fresh sweets to life , and drives the bitter dregs away ! the sacred flame , the guardian pile of fire , that guides our steps to peace ! nor does expire , till it has left us nothing to desire ! ) ev'n thus adorn'd , the idol is not free from the swift turns of their inconstancy . witness th' ephesian matron ; whose lewd act , has made her name immortal as the fact : who to the grave with her dead husband went , and clos'd her self up in his monument ; where on cold marble she lamenting lay , in sighs , she spent the night ; in tears , the day . the wond'ring world extoll'd her faithful mind , extoll'd her as the best of womankind : but see the world's mistake ; and with it , see the strange effects of wild inconstancy ! for she her self , ev'n in that sacred room , with one brisk , vig'rous on-set was o'recome , and made a brothel of her husband's tomb : whose pale ghost trembl'd in its sacred shrowd , wond'ring that heav'n th' impious act allow'd : horror in robes of darkness stalk't around ; and through the frighted tomb did groans resound . the very marbles wept ; the furies howl'd , and in hoarse murmurs their amazement told . all this shook not the dictates of her mind , but with a boldness , bold as was her crime , she made her husband's ghost ( in death , a slave ! ) her necessary pimp , ev'n in his grave ! are these ( ye gods ) the virtues of a wife ? the peace that crowns a matrimonial life ? is this the sacred prize for which man fights ? bliss , of his days ? and rapture , of his nights ? the rains , that guides him in his wild careers ? and the supporter of his feeble years ? his freedom , in his chains ? in want , his store ? his health , in sickness ? and his wealth , when poor ? no , no , 't is contradiction ; opposite , as much as heav'n 's to hell , or day 's to night . they crown man's life with peace ? no , rather far , they are the cause of all his bosom-war ; the very sourse , and fountain of his woes , from whence despair , and doubt for ever flows : the gall , that mingles with his best delight ; rank , to the taste ; and nauseous , to the sight : a days , the weight of care that clogs his breast , at night the hagg that does disturb his rest : his mortal sickness , in the midst of health ; chains , in his freedom ; poverty , in wealth : th' eternal pestilence , and plague of life ; th' original , and spring of all his strife ; these rather are the virtues of a wife ! yet if all these should not sufficient be , to make us understand our misery , see it summ'd up in their inconstancy : in which , so many various ways they move , they now inconstant in their follies prove , ev'n as inconstant as they do in love : nor is 't alone confin'd in those to range , their vices too themselves admit of change , their dearest darling vices , lust , and pride , with all they promise , think , or dream beside : o how inconstant then must woman be , when constant onely in inconstancy ? o why , ye awful pow'rs , why was 't your will to mix our solid good with so much ill ? unless 't were when you found rebellious man , ( for ' ere time was you cou'd their actions scan ) would commit crimes so impious , and high , that they were made your veng'ance to supply : for not the wild destructive waste of war , nor all the endless lab'rinths of the bar , famine , revenge , perpetual loss of health , no nor that grinning friend despair it self , when it insults with most tyranick sway , can plague or torture mankind more than they . but hold — don't let me blame the pow'rs divine ; or at the wond'rous works they made , repine . all first was good , form'd by th' eternal will , tho' some has since degenerated to ill : ev'n woman was ( they say ) made chaste , and good ; but ah! not long in that blest state she stood : she fell , she fell , and sow'd the poys'nous seeds of murder , rapine , all inhumane deeds ; which now so very firm have taken root , that heav'n in vain wou'd strive to raze 'em out . but stop my pen ; for who can comprehend , or trace those crimes which ne're can have an end ? the sun , the moon , the stars that guild the sky , the world , and all its glories too must dy , and in one universal ruine ly : but they ev'n immortality will gain , and live — but must for ever live in pain ; for ever live , damn'd to eternal night , and never more review the sacred light. beware then , dull deluded man , beware ; and let not treach'rous woman be the snare , to make you the companions with 'em there : scorn their vain smiles , and all their arts despise , and your content at that just value prize , as not to let those rav'nous thieves of prey , rifle , and bear the sacred prize away : 't is they , 't is they that robs us of that gem ; how cou'd we lose it were it not for them ? avoid 'em then , with all the gawdy arts , which they still practise to amuse our hearts ; avoid 'em , as you wou'd avoid their crimes , or the mad follies that infest the times ; avoid 'em , as you wou'd the pains of hell , for in them , as in that , damnation dwells . but now , shou'd some ( for doubtless we may find many a true bred beast amongst mankind ) shou'd such contemn the wholsom rules i give , and in contempt of what i 've spoke , still live like base soul'd slaves , still those vile fetters wear , when they may be as unconfin'd as air , or the wing'd race that does inhabit there ; may all the plagues that woman can invent , pursue 'em with eternal punishment : may they — but stay , my curses i forestall ; for in one curse i 've comprehended all . — but say sir ; if some pilot on the main , shou'd be so mad , so resolutely vain , to steer his bark upon that fatal shore , where he has seen ten thousand wrack't before , tho' he shou'd perish there ; say , wou'd you not bestow a curse on the notorious sot ? trust me , the man 's as frenzical as he , who ventures his frail bark out wilfully , on the wild , rocky , matrimonial sea ; when round about , and just before his eyes , such a destructive waste of fatal ruine lies finis . the reasons of mr. bays changing his religion considered in a dialogue between crites, eugenius, and mr. bays. brown, thomas, - . approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : - (eebo-tcp phase ). a wing b estc r ocm this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) the reasons of mr. bays changing his religion considered in a dialogue between crites, eugenius, and mr. bays. brown, thomas, - . [ ], p. printed for s.t. ..., london : . satire by thomas brown on dryden's conversion. cf. dnb. pts. and were later published as the late converts exposed, or, the reasons of mr. bays's changing his religion, and the reasons of mr. joseph hains, the player's conversion & re-conversion. london, . reproduction of original in huntington library. created by converting tcp files to tei p using tcp tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between and available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the , texts created during phase of the project have been released into the public domain as of january . anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. % (or pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf- unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p , characters represented either as utf- unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng dryden, john, - . - tcp assigned for keying and markup - spi global keyed and coded from proquest page images - rina kor sampled and proofread - rina kor text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion the reasons of mr. bays changing his religion . considered in a dialogue between crites , eugenius , and mr. bays . quo teneam vultus mutantem protea nodo ? hor. ante bibebatur , nunc quas contingere nolis fundit anigrus aquas . ovid. met. london , printed for s. t. and are to be sold by the booksellers of london and westminster . . the preface . i have read somewhere in monsieur rapins reflections sur la poetique , that a certain venetian nobleman andrea naugeria by name , was wont every year to sacrifice a martial to the manes of catullus : in imitation of this frolic , a celebrated poet , in the preface before his spanish fryer , is ple●sed to acquaint the world , that he has indignation enough to burn a bu●●y damboys annually to the memory of ben johnson : since this modern ceremony of offering up one author at the altar of another , is likely to advance into a fashion , as having already the authority of two such great men to recommend it , the courteous reader may be pleased to take notice , that the author of this following dialogue is resolved ( god willing ) on the festival of the seven sleepers , as long as he lives , to sacrifice the hind and panther to the memory of mr. q●a●les , and john bunyan : or if a writsr that has notoriously contradicted himself , and espoused the quarrel of two different parties , may be consider'd under two distinct characters , he designs to deliver up the author of the hind and panther , to be l●●h●d severely by , and to beg pardon of the worthy gentleman that wrote the spanish fryar , and the religio laici . it is not to be deny'd , but that a poet is as unfit to manage the serious part of a controversie , as an irishman is to write the miracle part of church history : for besides that his integrity is as much to be suspected as his iudgment ; the least thought , or extravagant fancy , is apt to lead him a hundred pages out of his way , and then 't is ten to one , he 'll lye on a fortnight in the advertisements of a gazette , before he recovers the road. but then on the other hand , i think mr. bays ought to be acquitted for treating his subject in rhyme , ( which he very iudiciously somewhere calls the vehicle of nonsense ) and i am clearly of opinion , that the chief points in agitation betweent he church of rome and vs , are so easie to be decided ( if the party concerned could but once disingage themselves from prejudice , pride and interest ) that they ought not to imploy the serious part of mankind , or put christendom to the expence of convening a council , while a synod of poets may better discuss and determine them at their own cost and charges . why cannot purgatory be as well traced out of that famous verse in virgil , infectum eluitur scelus , aut exuritur igni , as out of the dreams of some few hypocondraic authors , and a poor single misapplyed place of scripture , that for fear of making a blot , like a solitary man at bacgammon , wants the assistance of another text to bind him ? or the pope's supremacy be made good from that passage , imperiumque pater romanus habebit , as well as out of pasce oves meas , and the decretal epistles ? virgil too may be considered as a person that lay under to temptation at all of complementing the christians , being himself of another perswasion ; and so whatever comes from him in favour of the catholick tenets , is to be look'd upon with extraordinary regard and veneration . and perhaps mr. bays , after he has for some time consulted the fragments of the sibylls , and begun a little acquaintance with rabbi galatinus , or any of his relations , may be able to prove that virgil had his notion of purgatory , and the pope's supremacy , from the very same sybill that help'd him to the prophecy of our saviours incarnation in the fourth eclogue . certainly that good eastern bishop , who at the second council of nice urged that text in the first of genesis , and god made man in his own image , in defence of image-worship , was a very great poet , though from so long a devolution of time we have lost that part of his character ; and might as well , when his hand was in , as vigorously appear'd to have man-midwifery declar'd to be of divine right , because vulcan play'd the midwife , when his old father was delivered of minerva . i am heartily sorry that this iudicious prelate had not the good fortune to live in our age , where he might have made a more considerable figure , and convers'd with two able disputants , exactly of his own temper and constitution , the oxford editor , and the worthy convert of putney . i observe , that as there are two sorts of prologues in the rehearsal , the one composed in terrorem , to frighten the audience into civility and good manners , by huffing and railing at them ; the other imbellish'd with kind language , and some pretty surprizing thought or other , in order to steal and insinuate into your favour : so likewise the modern polemics have pitch'd upon two different ways to reduce vs , for either we are accosted with such kind of complements as these ; have a care what you do gentlemen , you are got within the territories of heresie and sacriledge , and you had as good ride your horses full gallop in a coney-warren , as continue in a country where nothing but utter ruine and desolation can attend you : or else the scene is alter'd , and some humble accommodator hangs out the white flag , and proposes milder conditions ; well countrymen , there have been ill offices done on both sides ; we have been misrepresented to you , and you have laboured under as bad a character amongst our party ; a little christian compliance will set all matters streight again . your authors and ours are agreed well enough in the main ; and therefore let us sacrifice half a dozen troublesome ill-natur'd distinctions to the peace of mankind : but first we desire you of all loves to lock up that troublesome companion call'd reason , for one quarter of a year , and if you could but prevail with your self to discard your five senses , the business would be presently at an end . of the two late converts abovementioned , that have listed themselves in the service of the western patriarch , one has published a specious treatise , to prove that the papists and protestants are agreed in their notions of a real presence ; the other pretends , that the catholick doctoas , and the jewish rabbies , are likewise agreed in the business of transubstantiation : indeed , after this rate of arguing they may very easily prove their church to be vniversal ; which thing if rightly considered , i am confident will bring above three parts of the globe into the popes chamber of dependencies . i know there are some malicious persons in the world , who are apt to conclude , that this calling in the gentlemen of the circumcision to the assistance of the catholick cause , is a very plain that they dare not hazard the fortune of a set battel upon their own forces : that prince is in no good circumstances at home , who is obliged to employ an inveterate foreigner to support his dignity ; and we have read ( say they ) how the christians have taken the condition of the holy land into their consideration , have unanimously fought , and recovered it out of the hands of infidels , but we never hear to this day that the jews retaliated the kindness , or gave 'em any thanks for their pains . the truth on 't is , men that are disposed to talk , will , in spight of all the world , say what they please , tho they are sure to be as troublesome as a welshman when the spirit of genealogy possesses him : but i pray why may not a man that has kept rabbi solomon iarchi , ben sira , ben manasses , and the rest of the tribe , in meat , drink , washing and lodging , at his own proper expence some twenty years , be as well allow'd upon an emergent occasion to draw them out in battel-array , to confound us protestants , as a neighbour of ours on the other side the water to call in the grand seignior to humble the emperour . but i find this speculation has occasion'd me to digress farther than i intended : therefore to return to mr. bays , i must make bold to acquaint him , that of all men in the world he ought not to have interested himself in the quarrel , whatever his private sentiments were , since he had so publicly , and so virulently exposed that party before . if he pretends he took his copy from arnobius , who was obliged to write his learned treatise contra gentes , to satisfie the christians , who somewhat doubted the sincerity of his conversion , that he had in good earnest quitted paganism , much good may it do him . but i am afraid this instance won't do his business , for , i suppose , had arnobius stood charged with half those scandalous ill things , which mr. bays is like to answer for , his admission into the church had not been purchased at the easie terms of libelling his old friends , and sacrificing that , which is lighter than the honesty of a bawd , the chastity of a midwife , the valour of an atheist , the honour of a pimp , the integrity of an vsurer , even a poets reputation . but i find a man may hold all the seven deadly sins in commendam with a saintship ; and that there is a certain society of men in the world , who to fill up their numbers against the next muster , make no scruple at all of entertaining such kind of proselytes , as romulus picked up when he opened his asylum . mr. bays in his life of plutarch , occasionally discoursing concerning the report that seneca cuckolded his patron claudius , is very sorry that petronus arbiter was not the man , because he could better have bore it from a man of his character ( for you must know , petronus arbiter was a poet , and consequently the fitter person for such a business ) and he can conceive nothing in the world next to an elephant upon stilts , so awkard in the pursuit of an amour as a philosopher in a gown . the truth on 't is , divines and philosophers never had a good word from mr. bays since his mother bound up his head for him . here was the finest opportunity imaginable for a philosopher to have made his market , the old gentleman gone abroad to smoke a pipe among his tènants , the lady consenting , the happy hour of assignation come , the chamber-maid upon duty at the door , the sheets perfumed , the curtains drawn , the trusty brandy-bottle at the beds-head : nothing in the world , one would have thought , could have defeated and spoil'd so promising , so hopeful an intrigue . but o the fates ! just in the critical minute appears mr. bays , forbids the banet , turns the poor philosopher , with his breeches dangling about his heels , down stairs ; and in that surly humour nothing would serve his turn , but a poet only must cuuckold the emperour . now to apply this story to mr. bays ; as he seems concerned for his friend petronius , that he had not the good fortune to be engaged in the affair we were now discoursing of , so i am sorry with all my heart , that since mr. bays's stars so order'd the matter , as to condemn him to the drudgery of writing everlastingly , that instead of barren controversie ( which is not a province so capable of being cultivated by a poet as other provinces are ) he had not either set himself upon reforming the anthems of his own church , which exceedingly want such a charitable hand as his to revise 'em ; or employ'd his talent in spiritual madrigals to good saint wilgefortis , or apollonia , ( who might perhaps have remembred him for it in a fit of the tooth-ach ) or lastly , since he is read in cares , and bends beneath the weight of fifty years : that in his old age he had not chosen out for him self some peaceful province in acrostick land : i make bold here to use his own expression in mac flecno , if it is his i say ; for mr. shadwell in the preface before his translation of the tenth satyr in juvenal , has been lately pleas'd to acquaint the world , that he publickly disown'd the writing of it , with as solemn imprecations as his friend the spanish fryar did the cavalier lorenzo . for to deal honestly with mr. bays , however in his other composures he has obliged the world with the delicacy of language , and the agreeableness of his fancy ; yet in his last essay we only find such novel kind of discourse between the hind and panther , as passes between the two iudicious grave-makers in hamlet : in short , we meet nothing but a dull heap of insipid stuff , so lamentably ridiculous , that one could not in conscience desire to have an adversary write worse : so that whatever advantages his soul has made by the exchange of his religion ( though i wonder in my heart how that queasy stomach of his , which about four years ago could hardly digest the apostles creed , should now be able to digest not only that , and athanasius's creed , but a more unpalatable one of pius's making ) his muse i am sure is sensibly the worse . were i his confessor , who am only his adviser , i should prescribe him no other pennance for every transgression , than to make me a copy of such miserable doggerel toties quoties , which i believe would be mortification enough for him ; and the reading of them , i 'm sure would be sufficient pennance to my self . but after all , perhaps mr. bays writ for the irish nation , and then he 's to be excused , for he that writes to please the relish of that noble kingdom , must do the same by his wit and language , as valerius poplicola did with his house , even level it to the ground . i met the other day a certain passage in montaign's essays , which i little imagin'd to have found in an author of his gravity ; he is pleased to be angry with carvers and statuaries , for making the nudities of their images so large : for ( says he ) the ladies who form an idea of the abilities of mankind by such exterior representations , must certainly find themselves extremely disappointed , when they come to consult the originals . this so strange a passage , as i said before , one wou'd scarce expect to meet in montaign ; and indeed , with respect to the memory of so great a man , it is extravagant enough in all conscience . but mr. bays in his preface , before the second part of the late * miscellanies , has as much out done this , and any thing that was ever said in the world , as a heroe of his own begetting , almanzor by name , has exceeded all the bullies before him . on one side of the page , he appears with extraordinary zeal for the immortality of the soul. what considering person ( says he ) who observes how fools and knaves batten in the world , while men of merit and integrity ( meaning himself i suppose ) starve and are despised , can suppose that there are not allowances to be made in another ? that is , because mr. bays missed of his eaton-preferment , he was humbly content to expect his reward elsewhere ; and truly i am so much of his opinion , as to think he is to expect it in another world : on the other side of the leaf , as if his petronius arbiter had got the weather-gage of thomas a kempis , he makes you a very formal apology for translating a certain luscious part of lucretius ( he could not find in his heart , he tells you , to give it a worse name ) though some people are apt to believe it ought only to keep company with culpeppers midwife , or the english translation of aloysia sigea . if mr. bays would have been rul'd by me , that very moment when he fell from the highest step of jacobs ladder , and from a grave contemplation of eternity could on the sudden condescend and truckle to the patronage of down-right obscenity ; he should not have made so small a leap on 't , as to have vaulted over the little rubicon that parts the reformed churches , and the church of rome , ( for that had been too inconsiderable a performance for a man of his agility ) but have gone over in good earnest to mahomets church , who makes that business he so pathetically there describes , one of the chiefest rewards for his disciples in the next world : and who knows but this may come to pass , things were not brought to an extremity when i left the story . the worthy gentlemen that have set him upon the heroick design of writing the hind and panther ( for i must beg bays's pardon if i am so unmannerly as not to believe every thing he says in his preface ) have so far secured him to their party , that he cannot in honour return to the protestant territories ; they have cut off all hopes of a retreat from him ; the back doors are shut , but the passage before is open enough , and the way to meccha and constantinople as easie to be found as ever ; and i dare lay a wager that mr. bays is too much a poet , not to pass the same judgment of his newest choice in religion , as of his newest plays , that the last is always the best . to draw now to an end , mr. bays i hear has lately complained at wills coffee-house , of the ill usage he has met in the world : that whereas he had the generosity and assurance to set his own name to his late piece of polemick poetry , yet others who have pretended to answer him , wanted the breeding and civility to do the like . now because i would not willingly disoblige a person of bays's character , i do here fairly , and before all the world , assure him that my name is dudly tomkinson , and that i live within two miles of st. michaels mount in cornwall and have in my time been both constable , church-warden , and overseer of the parish , by the same token that the little gallery next the belfry , the new motto about the pulpit , the kings arms , the ten commandments , and the great sun dial in the church-yard , will transmit my name to all posterity . furthermore ( if it will do him any good at all ) i can make a pretty shift to read without spectacles , wear my own hair , which is somewhat inclining to red , have a large mole on my left cheek , am mightily troubled with corns , and what is peculiar to my constitution , after half a dozen bottles of claret , which i generally carry home every night from the tavern ; i never fail of a stool or two next morning : besides i use to smoke a pipe every day after dinner , and afterwards steal a nap for an hour or two in the old wicker-chair near the oven , take gentle purgatives spring and fall ; and it has been my custom any time these sixteen years ( as all the parish can testifie ) to ride in gambadoes . nay , to win the heart of him for ever , i invite him here before the courteous reader to a country regale ( provided he will before-hand promise not to debauch my wife ) where he shall have sugar to his roast-beef , and vinegar to his butter ; and lastly , to make him amends for the tediousness of the iourney , a parcel of relicks to carry home with him , which i believe can scarce be matched in the whole christian world ; but because i have no great fancy that way , i don't care if i part with them to so worthy a person : they are as followeth . gregory's ritual , bound up in the same calves-skin that the old gentleman in st. luke roasted at the return of his prodigal son. the quadrant that a philistin taylor took the heighe of goliah by , when he made him his last suit of cloaths ; for the giant being a man of extraordinary dimensions , it was impossible to do this affair any other way than your designers use , when they take the height of a country-steeple . the ioynt-stool that st. christophers barber stood upon when he shaved him . now to satisfie mr. bays of the necessity the barber had to make use of a ioynt-stool in this affair , and that it was no foolish , malapert or arrogant humour in the barber so to do , he is to understand that st. christopher , if he were alive , could have drunk the monument full of mum for his mornings draught , with as much ease as the presbyterian divines swallow'd the covenant ; and if he wont believe me on my word , let him e'ne ride his horse to paris , and if st. kits statue in the nostre dame do not convince him of his error , i will give him free leave to swear before any iustice of peace that i am the seditious author of the letter to the dissenter . a knife of great antiquity , the handle of it is made with the same ivory that jupiter supplyed pelops's shoulder with ; the blade originally st. peters sword , fought by pope hildebrand , and julius the second , into a dagger , and since converted into the use aforemention'd . if mr. bays should quarrel with the handle , by reason of its pagan extraction , he is to be informed that a certain author , who has lately obliged the world with a learned discourse concerning the catacombs at rome , has demonstrated that worse reliques , in all probability , are adored and worshipped every day in his mother church . and now i find i have transgressed somewhat too much upon the readers patience in so tedious a preamble , but i have this comfort to carry along with me , that i deal with an adversary , who cannot in iustice reproach me for making a long preface . st. iames's park . crites , eugenius , and mr. bays . crites . mr. bays , mr. bays , prethee why in such haste man ? have you forgot your old acquaintance , that you pass by 'em without taking the least notice of them . bays . your pardon gentlemen , i protest i did not see you ; it is at least some twenty years ago ( as i remember ) since we had our last long discourse concerning drammatick poetry upon the thames — but gentlemen , i am at present engaged elsewhere , you see my rosary and beads , and may guess for what place i am bound . eugenius . prithee , dear bays , adjourn this fit of devotion to some more convenient time , and let us take one edifying glass at the rhenish-house , yonder by charing-cross . bays . as for the tavern , i desire to be excused , i seldom appear at such unsanctify'd places ; you might as soon cajole the plain-dealer into westminster-hall , a fanatick into a play-house , or an usurer into a suretiship , as perswade me into a tavern . alas ! i am not the man you took me for ; upon my sincerity mr. eugenius , i have not tasted a drop of claret these two years , but what i have met among innocent strawberries , or in a sawce , or so . crites . this renouncing of your wine , friend bays , is a greater wonder to me , than the renouncing of your religion ; and i can scare fancy thee to be the same person thou wast formerly . bays . why , truly gentlemen , i dare not say of my self , that i am the same individual-man i was some years ago ; for let me tell you , matter is in a perpetual flux , and the whole mass both of accidents and substance are thrust away by the continual succession of new ones . now , as i have not one drop of the same blood , nor one particle of the same clay about me which i had then , so i thank my stars , i have not the least tincture of that religion left behind , which engaged my former state of ignorance ; that state i mean , which i may more properly call the * parenthesis of my life , than that wherein i was not acquainted with the noble lord to whom i dedicated my limberham . crites . faith , little bays , i am so much of thy opinion , as to believe that after so many changes thou hast as well shifted the christian as the man ; and i am perswaded , we shall have more religions contend for thee , after thou art dead and rotten , than citys strove for the birth of a certain person of your own profession ; from whose achilles , you 'd needs perswade the world that you copy'd the fierce almanzor . i am told , your friends of dukes place , expect the next change you make should be to their party , which i suppose may be the more easily effected , unless you are bribed beforehand by a chiaux with the government of a turkish hospital , because two of their best kings , and most of their prophets were poetically given ; and i see no reason , mr. bays , after you have traded somewhat longer in parable , and allegory , but that you may step in among their minor prophets . bays . o sir , your servant ; but i 'll allow men of your perswasion to be scurrillous , 't is the distinguishing character of your church ; and i expect e're long , your bear-garden , and bartholomew-fair men , will arrive to such a pitch of brutality and irreligion , as to discuss their assemblies with an ite missa est . eugen. but why all this ado about religion , mr. bays ? why cannot we quit this subject , to make way for more diverting conversation ? come sir , i 'll show you some words which were made by a friend of mine , upon that dismal noise and hurry we have lately had among the traders in controversie , if you 'll vouchsafe them the hearing . bays . with all my heart sir , provided there are no touches upon the government , no subtle insinuations , no — eugen. not so much as one single reflection mr. bays . let the motly dull herd for religion engage , let them urge the dispute with clamor and rage ; let your authors keep on the vain method of writing , and set ( if they can ) both your partys a fighting : we ne're make replys , but are fully contented , tho good fellows and drink have been misrepresented . let their musty grave volumes to thames-street adjourn , or rot in duck-lane , or in coffee-house burn : let the monarch of france keep his subjects at home , and forbid the mad zealots abroad for to roam , so he lets his boon claret but cross the kind main , we shall never be angry ; we shall never complain . what do you say to these lines now mr. bays ? bays . the last turn there upon the french protestants , is well enough rally'd , but the rest is exceeding profane : and pray good mr. eugenius , will you advise your friend from me , to employ his talent to a better use , and squander no more of it in sonnet . you cannot imagine what a mortification it is for a noble author , who has , at the great expence of his fancy , writ something which is vigorous and fine , to have his song tagg'd with half a dozen gouty stanza's , by a grub-street-hand , then advanced into a ballad ; and last of all , plaister'd up in a country ale-house , to confront the five senses , and the four seasons of the year . eugen. indeed mr. bays , this is very hard usage as i take it . bays . you may believe me sir , 't is one of the greatest afflictions in the world , for i have had most of my best words so served ; and therefore if your friend finds him inclined to write , there are several places of casimire , urban , and scribonius , that deserve his consideration . oh! there 's an epigram in scribonius , which i could repeat forty times a day , and never be weary on 't ; the subject so divine , the language so excellent , the thought so noble , lac matris miscere volo cum sanguine nati , non possum antidoto nobiliore frui . i 'll give you a copy of it mr. eugenius , if you 'll promise me to use your interest among any of your acquaintance to get it translated . eugen. i 'll see mr. bays what may be done , though i fear i shall not succeed . but prithee , once more , dear rogne , let me ask thee what news about the town ? what plays ? what lampoons ? what operas ? what sonnets ? bays . troth sir i can't tell , for of late i have not herded with those graceless rake-hells the poets of the town : and as for the gazette , i consult it as seldom as a quaker does the concordance , or a physician the bible . — but because i see by my watch i have half an hour good , if you please , gentlemen , to take a turn or two in these walks , i will for our old acquaintance sake , impart a secret to you , which give me leave to tell you , is the most astonishing , the most surprizing , the most uncommon ; and if you make a right use of it , the most useful secret in the universe . crites . dear bays , thou art always so obliging . bays . hold — are the walks clear ? so — why then , gentlemen , to my certain knowledge , the conflagration is at hand : and 't is as impossible for the world to continue above ten years , as 't is for a town-debauch to live as long as one of the patriarchs before the flood . crites . faith mr. bays , this , as you say , is the most surprizing secret imaginable . and now to return you one secret for another , i believe if this secret were communicated to the world , it would ruine the ensuring office , to all intents and purposes : for who the devil wou'd give money to have his houses ensured , and the uuiversal burnfire so nigh ? but prithee , little bays , tell me how you came by this secret ? bays . after the most strange , unconceiveable manner in the whole world. the story is somewhat of the longest , and therefore , gentlemen , if you have any occasions to call you aside , at present , i 'd defer it till some more agreeable opportunity . crites . oh by no means , sir ; we have no business at this time to divert us , or if we had mr. bays , we would freely sacrifice it , tho it were a female assignation , to have the honour of your company . bays . sir , you perfectly overwhelm your humble servant with kindness . but to proceed to the relation — you are to understand that in the year . some three weeks before my conversion — crites . hold mr. bays , were you no christian at all before that time ? what had become of your immaterial part , if you had dropt off before this late conversion ? bays . lost assuredly , and in as wretched a condition as the poor gentleman that wou'd have begged a little small-beer of abraham . crites . why then , i find mr. bays , you have more charity for the heathens than most of your fellow christians ; for in a certain piece of yours , which shall be nameless , but may easily be known by a remarkable passage in the preface , that says , you believe a popish plot : in this piece of yours , i say , you make no question at all of a heathens salvation , provided he live but up to the principles of nature . bays . so i say still ; but where did you ever find a protestant , or a mahometan , live up to the sober principles of nature ? the iolly luther , reading him , began to interpret scripture by the alcoran . but all this while we are beside our story — and therefore , to begin it again , you must know that at the time above-mention'd , it was my fortune to go down the river as far as greenwich , with some honest irish gentlemen of my acquaintance . crites . under favour mr. bays , how durst you hazard your self among any of that nation , since you had put so gross an affront upon them , in a certain oxford prologue ? rogues , that like cain , are branded with disgrace , and wear the country stamp'd upon their face . truly , sir , if i had said half so much of the dear ioys as this amounts to , i should have been as loath to have trusted my self in irish company , as i should be now to trust my only bottle of vsquebah with an irish servant . bays . trust my self , quoth a ! i perceive mr. eugenius , your friend crites , is very ignorant in these affairs . why , lord sir ! no man that is acquainted with me , thinks the better of himself for my commending him , nor ought , i 'm sure , to think himself a farthing the worse for my lampooning him : did you think i could have flatter'd so many quibbling , overgrown lords , as i have done in my time , or have libell'd so many honourable persons of both sexes , from whom i never received the least disobligement : and mean all really ? no , no — when i commend any body , it is either a little foolish interest , or the gayety of my humour , that inclines me to it : and when i touch upon the coast of satyr , 't is not , i vow to gad , out of any malice ( for a true poet , like a true jilt , is neither acted by real love , nor real anger ) but only , as they say , dr. busby sometimes whips his boys at westminster , for my health mr. crites , and the purging of choler . crites . i find then mr. bays , the passing of an illnatured jest upon a man , is much like the passing away a bad half-crown at a tavern ; you don't do it out of any particular spleen to the house , but only to shut your hands of a cumbersome piece . bu t , pray did not you mean really when you made that noble panegyrick to oliver cromwel ? bays . not i , i protest to you sir , 't was my own advantage i consider'd , and not any kindness to the person which inflamed me ; for you must note , 't is much the same case with us poets , as 't is with the iews , no sooner can a heroe start up in any part of the world ( let his quarrel be right or wrong ) but both of us are apt to think him the messias , and presently pitch upon him as the fittest person to deliver the twelve tribes , and the nine muses out of captivity . crites . then let me tell you , the usurper was the less beholding to you ▪ but methinks whatever your sentiments were of the man , you had a great kindness for your subject : you spoke as many lofty things concerning it , as any occasion you ever handled in your life . bays . that may be . but always observe this as an infallible rule , from your friend bays ! if you write panegyric , tho you have done your utmost , and said ten times more than the person deserves , be sure to tell him that you have not passed through half the inventory of his vertues , and wanted a genius to manage so extraordinary an affair to any advantage . but if you lampoon any party , forget not to make them sensible of the civil usage they have received from your hands ; as your city tradesmen , when they have exacted double the price of any commodity , stick not to tell you they have used you kindly : and though your stock is all exhausted , and you cou'd not say one malicious word more to save your life , yet pretend that you cou'd go ten mile further , if you pleas'd to continue in that surly humour . eugen. i perceive mr. bays , you have often made use of this expedient . bays . very often sir , but to avoid prolixity i 'll only produce you two instances of it at present . they may think themselves to be too roughly handled in this paper , but i who know best how far i could have gone on this subject , must be bold to tell them they are spared . they who can criticize so weakly , as to imagine that i have done my worst , may be convinced at their own cost , that i can write severely , with more ease than i can gently . and i find this conduct is extreamly serviceable to a man when all his quiver is spent ; for the party concerned must needs find themselves indebted to the person , who so generously spares them , when they lye all at his mercy : and as for the unconcerned part of mankind , at the same time they applaud your generosity , for giving off when you might have utterly confounded your enemys with the other blow ; so they must certainly admire the inexhaustible store of your wit , that can advance forward , and still urge something that is new . eugen. but pray , mr. bays , suppose the world should not believe a man that tells such and such things of himself , where lyes the jest then ? bays . why then , i tell you sir , that the world would be very uncivil i ▪ gad , and all that ; if the world should offer to question the sincerity of an author who makes so open and so free a discovery of his own abilities . for between our selves , gentlemen , i think an authors bare word in his preface , as sacred as a peers attestation upon his honour , and ought no more to be disputed than the traditions of the church , or the priviledges of parliament . eugen. and to my certain knowledge mr. bays , both those things are more subject to be disputed and examined , than any two things in the universe . bays . ay , and so have prefaces too been examined by your peevish , ill-humour'd , tobacco-taking criticks , whose censures i mind no more ●gad , than a bully of the town minds the swearing forfeits in a fanatick ordinary . but this signifies nothing as long as the greater part of mankind make no enquiry into the matter , but swallow it by whole-sale : and surely sir , you may rely upon my opinion in this affair ; i that have blasphem'd the gods , huss'd kings , libell'd princes , laughed at all religions , scandalized city and court ; and in my anger spared no sex , no country , no age , nor order , nor degree ; but i'gad thrown my bombs promiscuously at all . crites . how escaped you a hanging mr. bays , you that have been so universal an aggressor ? methinks the least that could be done to you , had been to have sent you a grazing to malmsbury common , among some of mr. hobbs's well-bred citizens . bays . a little private discipline i have met with i must confess ; an almanac or so beaten into my bones , but that 's nothing at all to a man of a true passive constitution . but , as i told you before , no man of tollerable sense thinks either the worse of me or of himself , for having his name exposed in any of my satyrs ; and that 's the reason why so few people give themselves the unnecessary trouble to batter my tabernacle . i bless my genius for it , mr. crites , i have not that respect for any person breathing , as to lose a good thought for his sake ; and i have almost as strong inclinations to suffer martyrdom for my wit as for my religion : 't is the love to the jest , not any private picque to the man , that sets me upon such hazardous undertakings , as prentices on a shrove-tuesday , use to demolish bawdy-houses , tho they have not the least disrespect to those noble places of pleasure and convenience . i have insisted upon this point the more largely , because i wou'd once for all , undeceive the world as to this particular ; and let them know , that a man may possibly lash three parts of the creation with his pen , who at the same time has not the least grudge or quarrel to any individual person thereof . — and now worthy gentlemen , if you please to afford me the hearing , i will recount my triumphs to you , which are as large as the universe , and as extensive as mankind . i survey my victories with a savage joy , and in the greatness of my imagination , despise all the caesars and alexanders . eugen. what enthusiastical hint has seized thee now little bays , i profess i understand thee no more than a fifth-monarchy comment upon the revelations . bays . understand me ! no : how the devil shou'd you understand me ! now i speak in my son almanzors blustering vein . but gentlemen , to deliver my self in a style which is a little more familiar to your apprehensions , i design to run through the circle of my conquests , and name you the nations i have triumph'd over , and all the degrees of mankind , i have assaulted . crites . with what'l prethee mr. bays ? bays . with my wit man : it could never enter into the sphere of your imagination sure , to suppose a poet could conquer whole kingdoms with his sword. crites . no i can assure you mr. bays , for i ever thought a poet as unfit and unlikely a man to subdue kingdoms with his sword , as convert kingdoms with his arguments . but let me request you then to begin with your nations , for i long as much to be made acquainted with your victories , as a fumbling alderman does to hear the happy news that he has got an heir apparent to his law-band and satten-doublet . eugen. tho you cannot say mr. bays with the heroe in shakespear , that the world 's your oyster , aud you have opened it with your sword ; yet you may safely say the world 's your sheet of paper , and you have blotted it with your ink. bays . you are much in the right on 't sir. now the first country i pitch upon shall be holland , and i think in one distich i have done the states more injury , than the french king did them in with all his bombs and granadoes ; but pray mind them gentlemen . they cheat , but still from cheating sires they come , they drink , but they were christen'd first in mum. here i 'm sure the whole common-wealth is concern'd one way or another ; their merchants , burgomasters , and in effect , all the trading part of the republick are arraign'd for cheating their seamen ; professors of all sciences , and divines are likewise reflected upon for drinking . don't you think now friend crites , but that half the min-heers will be ready to hang themselves in the very reading of this ? crites . no indeed mr. bays , if it be true what you have remark'd before , that no man of tolerable sense would show himself concerned at any of your libels . bays . that 's true ; no man of sense i grant , wou'd hang himself for the matter , but surely you 'll allow me that a man of little or no sense may do such a thing ; and if so , what person fitter than a dutchman . i 'll tell you gentlemen , a dutchmans soul circulates no more than the butter-milk he has in his veins , but stagnates like nasty water in a kennel : he 's made of mud , and not of clay ; and consequently in my poor opinion , has no title to any of those promises that were made to the sons of adam . crites . pray mr. bays , why so severe upon this industrious nation ? methinks at this time of day they deserve some little favour at your hands , if it were only for their indulgence to all perswasions , and leaving every man to the free disposal , and soveraignty over his own conscience . bays . that circumstauce as you observe mr. crites , does somewhat atone for their other sins ; but for all that , i cannot heartily forgive them , for like a phlegmatick , sun-begotten tribe as they are , they have not had the grace to produce one poet , either since their first rebellion , when they excluded the sea from his hereditary provinces ; or since their latter defection , when they pass'd the same bill of exclusion upon the spaniards . so much for the butter-boxes — and now at the messieurs , and of them i have said so many tart bitter things , that i gad , i cannot tell which to chuse at present . eugen. and to the best of my remembrance mr. bays , you have spoke abundance of fine complaisant things in praise of those airy gentlemen . you have commended their language , the freedom of their conversation , the gallantry of their amours , their civility , their wit — bays . oh sir , there was a great deal of reason for it ; for much about that time , mr. eugenius , a certain staffordshire gentleman was pleased to dedicate to me a very ingenious * book , i vow to gad , in which dedication , after several other complements , he tells me that monsieur rapin , one of the greatest criticks of this age , had studied english on purpose to learn my poems : now this i thought was such a particular condescension , such an extraordinary sign of respect shown to me and my works , that i found my self obliged in conscience to speak all the tender pretty things i cou'd in behalf of the french nation . but when , after a long run , i was given to understand that it was only a complement of my friend , and that monsieur rapin was not furnished with english enough to qualifie him for a city-intelligencers secretary , or an accomptant to a mackarel-boat , i presently reassum'd my old temper , and gave the messieurs no quarter at all , as may appear by a thousand passages since , too numerous to be cited at present : nay , to pursue my malice to the utmost extremity , i prevailed with my acquaintance at this end of the town to wear shoulder-knots no longer , to discard the janty cravat-string , and the ceremonious muff , and what was the hardest case of all , i absolutely refus'd to naturalize one word that was of french extraction for the space of two years . the next that comes upon the stage is the melancholly spaniard , with a stride and a stand , like a peacock in a backside ; and the truth on 't is , tho i ought to have shown him some civility for that divine , that immortal invention of making snuff , yet when my hand is in , i neither spare friend nor foe ; and i have not only maul'd the poor don with the quarter-staff of prose , but also with the back-sword of verse ; their patrimonial sloth the spaniards , keep , and philip first taught philip how to sleep . pray gentlemen mind that dead-doing epithet patrimonial , by which i inform the world that the castalians have their laziness bequeath'd to 'em by their parents , as well as the majestick cloak , the starch'd golilia , the diminutive breeches , and the trusty dagger ; and so with one circumbendibus ( to use my own fryer dominicks expression ) i lash the precedent ages , at the same time that i chastise the present generation . nor have the ultra montani , the italians met with better entertainment , but are attack'd and ridicul'd in their own dearly-beloved diversions of harlequin and scaramouchi . the italian merry andrews took the place , and quite debauch'd the stage with lewd grimace ; instead of wit and language , your delight was there to see two hobby-horses fight . but because i hate the dull , insipid , phlegmatic way of conquering kingdoms singly , i here storm all the universe at one instant : where banish'd vertue wilt thou show thy face , if treachery infects thy indian race . in the first verse here i suppose virtue gone from the old world , which i protest is exceeding tart and satyrical ; and in the next i cunningly insinuate that her ladiship is not to be found in mexico , peru , or any of the tobacco-plantations ; and consequently that she is not to be met with any where upon the face of the earth . and now , because it would be a very unkind , not to say an uncivil part , in madam conscience to loyter , and squander away her time here amongst mortals , when her cousin-german virtue was gone to better quarters in another world , i get a habeas corpus for her also , but at the same time was so civil to the modest virgin , as to allow her the liberty of leaving a reverend old gentlewoman , interest by name , to do her drudgery , and supply her place in her absence , which i gad i think she does every whit as well , if not better . and this passage i have excellently well touch'd in a late poem of mine , which we may take occasion to discourse of more largely by and by . immortal powers the term of conscience know , but int'rest is her name with men below . as for the swedes , the danes , the swisses , the laplanders , &c. i let 'em alone , because they are a poor scandalous sort of people , do you observe , mr. crites , and not able to defray the expences of a conqueror ; but then as for scotland — crites . why i thought mr. bays , that scotland was no more able to defray the expences of a conqueror than lapland . bays . no more it is not , but at that time my passion prevail'd over my interest , and pray sir take notice how i have lashed that nation . clean linnen there wou'd be a dang'rous thing , the scot that wore it wou'd be chosen king. and now , because i am never to be reconciled to the scots , for more than one or two reasons , you shall have me e're long set out an history of their reformation , where i design to acquaint the world , that the true reason of their demolishing religious houses , and decrying the surplice ever since , was not for any superstition , as they pretend , but only because they could not furnish half your clergy with clean linnen . crites . pray mr. bays , is it not high time now to think of steering our course homewards ? methinks we have made a pretty handsome ramble on 't this morning . bays . sir , i thank you for your seasonable advice , and design to follow it , though it was once in my thoughts ( being so nigh the place ) to have stept out of scotland , and made a little tour in the duke of saxonys country , to see the ravage which the baptist boar has made in the german forrests , afterwards to have unearth'd a socinian fox , with some of the duke of newburgh's catholick terriers in the plains of poland ; and lastly , to have fetch'd a compass round the country as far as geneva , to beg a presbyterian whelp of calvins last litter , in order to train him up at long-acre , to bark at ceremonies , and the episcopal church . — but upon second considerations , ` i think it better to make all the sail we can for little england ▪ and so gentlemen , you are heartily welcome , as i may say , to your native country again . crites . troth sir , i must needs own my self a little weary , after so tedious a walk , but if you please mr. bays , pray let us know what you have to say to old albion . bays . with all my heart mr. crites . now there being but three remarkable places in the whole island , that is the two universities , and the great metropolitan city ; i shall consequently confine my discourse only to them : but first of all , i must tell you , that i am altogether of my lord plausibles opinion in the plain-dealer ; if i chance to commend any place or order of men out of pure friendship , i choose to do it before their faces ; and if i have occasion to speak ill of any person or place , out of a principle of respect and good manners , i do it behind their backs . you cannot imagine mr. crites , when i visit either of the two universities in my own person , or by my commissioners of the play-house , how much i am taken with a colledge-life . oh there 's nothing like a cheese cut out into farthings ; and my lord mayor amidst all his brutal city-luxury , does not dine half so well as a student upon a single chop of rotten-roasted mutton ; nay , i can scarce prevail with my self for a month or two after to eat my meat on a plate , so great a respect have i for a university-trencher ; and then their conversation is so learned , and withal so innocent , that i could sit a whole day together at a coffee-house to hear them dispute about actus perspicui , and forma misti . from this beginning i naturally fall a railing at london , with as much zeal as a buckingbam-shire grazier who had his pockets pick'd at a smith-field entertainment , or a country lady whose obsequious knight has spent his estate among misses , vintners , linnen-drapers ▪ and then i tell my audience , that a man may walk farther in the city to meet a true judge of poetry , than ride his horse on salisbury plain to find a house . london likes grossly , but this nicer pit examines , fathoms , all the depths of wit. you see here mr. crites , that scholars won't take alderman duncombs leaden-half-pence for irish half-crowns , while a dull londoner swallows every thing ; and takes it with as little consideration , as a true romanist takes a spiritual dose of beleits that are seal'd up with the council of trents coat of arms. eugen. how was that mr. bays , about the council of trent ? pray let us hear it again . bays . gad forgive me for 't — it dropt from me e're i was aware , but i shall in time wear off this hitching in my gate , and walk in catholick trammels as well as the best of them ; nature i must confess , is not overcome on the sudden — but let me see gentlemen , whether i have any more lines to our last purpose ; oh here they are ! — poetry , which is in oxford made an art , in london only is a trade . our poet , could he find forgiveness here , would wish it rather than a plaudit there . you are sensible without question , how little beholding the city is to me , when i am upon my progress elsewhere . but 't is a comfort that this peremptory humour does not continue long upon me . for as i have the grace to disown my mother-university , with a jug in one hand , and a link in the other , when i am at oxford . thebes , did his green unknowing years engage , he chooses athens in his riper age . so when i am got amongst my honest acquaintance here in covent-garden , i disown both the sisters , and make my self as merry as a grig with their greasy trenchers , rusty salt-sellers , and no napkins ; with their everlasting drinking , and no intervals of fornication to relieve it . in fine , i make a great scruple of it , whether it be possible for a man to write sound heroicks , and make an accomplish'd through-pac'd wit , unless he comes to refine and cultivate himself at london ; unless he knows how many stories high the houses are in cheap-side and fleet-street , is acquainted with all the gaming ordinaries about town , and the rates of porters , and hackney-coachmen ; has shot the bridge , seen the tombs at westminster , heard the wooden-head speak , can tell you where the ensuring office is kept , and which of the twelve companys has the honour of precedence . thus i have been as good as my promise , in naming the citys and countrys to you , which i have had occasion in my time to visit . now for the several orders and ranks of men , that have felt the indignation of my satyr . the first that i begin with shall be that ●tourdy bete , that humble admirer of jost and quibble , the melancholy clergyman ▪ come out therefore mr. levite , by what names or titles soever dignified and distinguished . prethee observe mr. crites , how dejected tho poor passive rogue look●● how mal a droitly he makes his entrance , like mrs. days heir apparent in the committee : and by my faith he has a great deal of reason for 't — for first and formost , in my postscript to the siege of granada , i have imputed the corruption of our language and eloquence , to their dull way of haranguing in the pulpit . a heavy charge this same i protest to you , and how they 'll answer it this term at the kings-bench i can't tell ; but i am sure of this , if it had not been for some of the beaux esprits of this end of the town , and for my self in particular , who chearfully assisted in so charitable a work , and left no stone unturn'd to enrich and refine our native tongue , we had e're this , been reduc'd to as miserable a state of parbarity as our forefathers were in the time of the saxon heptarchy — in the next place , i have chastiz'd the clergy with a vengeance ▪ for engrossing laysins , as they have done lay-preferments to themselves , and scarce leaving the poor laity that uncomfortable subsistence of a tenth part ; for putting the paniers of their church-discipline upon us when we are young , and afterwards ( which is my greatest quarrel to the whole tribe ) for loading us with a wife , which they cannot ease us of , though both parties are fully agreed for a divorce . lastly , to make short work on 't , and not give my self the trouble of distinguishing between church and church , and the professors of this , and t'other perswasion , i arraign the whole fraternity from london to iapan for a pack of jugglers and impostors . this set the heathen priesthood in a flame , for priests of all religions are the same . that last line mr. crites , unless i am mistaken , touches the copy-hold of all these spiritual gentlemen , from a christian patriarch , down to an indian bramyn ; now i fancy you are apt to imagine , when you see a pagan priest severely used in any of my plays , that i had no further design in my head , than to ridicule that party , but i must take the freedom to assure you of the contrary ; for as it was the policy of the fanaticks in their late famous procession on queen besse's night , to wound the established church through the sides of the romanists ; so it has over been my method , to do 'em the same injury through the sides of pagans . but to give you a clearer satisfaction in the matter ; carry this instance along with you . — in my oedipus , i bring in a certain ●●t speaking to the people , to make way for the old tiresias to pass , don't tread on the blind prophets corns ( says he ) we ought to show him respect , because he says he comes from the gods. ay , ay , replies a neighbour , whom i had tutor'd before at long-acre ▪ he 's not the sooner to be belived for saying so , all of the profession can pretend as much as that for themselves — and so gentlemen for the future if you find me expose , kick , and toss some poor heathen-priest in a blanket , you may be sure i mean some sleepy prebend of a cathedral , or else some imprimatur-man , who lives at the scandal-office , a bishops chaplain . now if you please mr. levite , to go about your lawful occasions , you may presto vade be gone , and make room for the fraternity of poets to enter . crites . methinks mr. bays , if you had observed the true order , your lawyers and physicians ought to have succeeded the divines . bays so they should mr. crites , if i had any reason now to introduce them upon the stage : but i was ever master of so much christian prudence , i bless my stars for it , as not to meddle with the velvet-coat and urinal , or the green bag , and long robe ; for as i have had from my cradle a greater regard to the welfare of my body than my soul , so i was always so circumspect , as to consider that a physician might revenge his quarrel upon my tenement of clay , and the lawyer either hang me , or ruine my cause , when i was to appear before him , and he made a judge . but as for your divines , you may as safely assault them as a herd of naked indians , ( otherwise you may swear a poet durst never venture to invade them so often ) they have only a pointless poor weapon , curtana by name , to defend themselves ; and as my son gomez well observes , if there were no more in excommunication than the churches censure , a wise man wou'd lick his conscience whole with a wet finger . — as for the poets mr. crites , of which company i am the present master , they are without doubt , the poorest company about town , ( tho at the same time the largest , if you take in the city writers , and the out-lying deer in the suburbs ) and to the best of my knowledge , cannot say they have produc'd one lord mayor , one alderman , one sheriff ; nay , scarce one common-council-man or constable , since the conquest : they are besides , a very ill-natured , querulous , complaining sort of men , much of the same constitution with the old hebrews ; always railing at fortune , and damning their own function . eugen. and in my opinion mr. bays , 't is as preposterous a way in these gentlemen to endeavour to recommend their profession to the world by railing at it , as to think to palm a bad play upon an audience , by calling them fools and sots , and hobby-horses , in the prologue . bays . 't is very true sir , and therefore the rest of mankind have generally the discretion to speak well of their own present condition ; your married men to wheedle more company into the magick circle , can say a hundred pleasant things of the conveniences of matrimony ; nay a scotchman shall inlarge as much in commendation of his own ragged country , as a millenese for lombardy . but poets , as i told you before , are the only men in the universe that rail at their own calling , and upon this very score , think they may be somewhat excused for making bold with other men , and other profession . for my part , i have taken better and wiser methods , 't is but telling the world that my maker is an almighty poet , and the ball we live in a true , sublime , well contrived heroids poem , and the honour of our vocation is sufficiently secur'd from any scandals that may afterwards be fastned upon it . i must confess i never had a good word from my brethren the poets , nor they from me , since i presided in the chair : but a man may very well allow the losers the liberty of talking , and i am apt to flatter my self that my assuming the glorious title of poet universal , and degrading the rest of my brethren so far , as to make them take all their commissions from my own hands , was as great and as politick an undertaking , as — crites . but pray mr. bays , oblige your old acquaintance so far , as to let them know how you managed your self in this important affair . bays . with all my heart , for you cannot impose me a more grateful province than to recount my past labours , and acquaint you from what inconsiderable beginnings i aspired to my present grandeur and dignity — in the first place , after some years spent in the university , i quitted all my preferment there to come and reside at the imperial city , because it was likely to prove a scene of more advantage and business , by reason of the great resort of strangers to it , and likewise because it was the fittest place in the whole island for a monarch to settle his court , issue out orders for his subjects at home , and entertain a commerce with his allys abroad . at first i struggled with a great deal of persecution , took up with a lodging which had a window no bigger than a pocket-looking-glass , dined at a three-penny ordinary enough to starve a vocation taylor , kept little company , went clad in homely drugget , and drunk wine as seldom as a rechabite , or the seignior's confessor . much about this time mr. crites , as you may very well remember , i made my first addresses in panegyric to oliver cromwell , and that puissant usurping phocas had certainly conferr'd the title of oecumenical universal poet upon me , if a tempest had not hurried him out of the world before his time . — eugen. under favour mr. bays , would not you have refus'd the title , coming from a person of his charecter ? bays . refus'd it ! no , not i'gad : i beg your parder sir , a better person by far than your self was glad to accept the same title from a worse hand , no dispraise to the protectors , by the same token that his successors have the grace to keep it to this present minute . being unfortunately disappointed of my hopes in this place , i tack'd about with the times , and applyed my self to the almighty grandees at court , flatter'd lords whom no body else would flatter , but especially made it my business to win the affections of the ladies , who i knew had the disposal of their husbands ; and consequently would prove sure cards in time of need . finding some little encouragement here , and resolving to weather all storms that might happen , i began to reform the theatre , and restore it ( as i gave out ) to its primitive splendour and purity , receiv'd the appeals of my younger brethren of the stage , coyned heroes as fast as brumingham-groats , dep●sed kings , divorced qu●ees , damn'd and ejected all those that oppos'd my novel constitutions , and pretended to square themselves by uncorrupted antiquity : lastly , instead of sense , reason , and true passion , i introduced nothing upon the stage but meer show and pageantry , dancing , flying , singing , fighting , visions , dreams , exorcisms and revelations ▪ charms , witchcrafts , fire and gunpowder , thunder and lightning ▪ till at last spirits and apparitions turned out the men , and poor tragedy it self was swallowed up in an opera . crites . but pray mr. bays , what did you say to shakespear , iohnson , and the rest of them ? methinks your new-settled monarchy should stand in a great deal of danger , as long as these authors continued in any respect and authority among the people . bays . to prevent , sir , all storms that might have issued from that quarter , i presently set me up an index expurgatorious , by the virtue of which i so castrated these grave old-fashioned gentlemen , so disguised their true features by putting them in modern apparel , that upon the stage , few , very few i'gad , could distinguish their works from my own proper legitimate productions . then i fulminated iohnsons affected style , his dull way of making love , his thefts and mean characters : shakespears ignorance , long periods , and barbarous language : fletchers want of a gentlemans education ; so often , you do observe me mr. crites , that scarce one in a hundred had the assurance to offer one good word in their behalf . having made these advances , i proceeded to censure the living poets with greater vigour and severity , acquainted the world with the nullity of their ordination , and at the same time , published a manifesto wherein i declar'd that the right of investiture , with a playhouse jilt and a bottle , solely and wholly belonged to my self ; that it should be lawful for a poet to keep his whore , but whosoever offer'd to marry , should ipso facto , forfeit his allowance from the theatre . that all the world besides lay under a mistake , but only mr. bays was in the right . that the stage had two great luminaries , mr. bays and mr. batterton , to enlighten it , but that mr. bays was just as much bigger than mr. batterton , as the sun is bigger than the moon , finally , i owned my self to be apollo's vicar here upon earth , and homer's successor in the ancient and unerring see of parnassus . that the decrees of mr. bays ought to be observed with the same deference as the decrees of apollo . that all other writers were to be judged by mr. bays , but mr. bays was only accountable for his mistakes to apollo himself . and then i threatned to suspend all those poets from stew'd prunes , wine , fire and tobacco ; nay , to confine them durante vita , to temperance , sobriety , and no fornication , who should presume to convene any assemblies in grub-street without my order , or appeal from my sentence to aristotle , longinus , or any other person whatsoever . crites . dear bays , how i cou'd hug thee for this ! oh thou true and invincible hildebrand of poets ! but prethee , for more security , get an act of parliament to confirm the title to thee and thy heirs for ever , and the business is settled past dispute . bays . there you hit me mr. crites , and indeed i have designed such a thing a long while ago , as i shall inform you presently at a better convenience . — but gentlemen , when i had thus in the plenitude of my power issued out the above-mentioned decretal epistles , you cannot imagine what abundance of adversaries i created my self ; some were for appealing to a free unbyass'd synod of impartial authors , others were for suing out a quo warranto to examine the validity of my charter . not to mention those of higher quality , i was immediately set upon by the fierce elkanah , the empress of morocco's agent , who at that time commanded a party of moorish horse ; in order to raise the siege of granada ; and a fat old gouty gentleman , commonly called the king of basan , who had almost devoured the stage with free-quarter for his men of wit , and humourists : but , i countermin'd all their designs against my crown and person in a moment , for i presently got the one to be drest up in a santenit , under the unsanctified name of doeg ; the other i coupled my self with his namesake thomas ster●h●l● : being thus degraded from their poetic function , and made uncapable of crowning princes , raising ghosts , and offering any more incense of flattery to the living and the dead , i delivered them over to the secular arm to be chastised by the furious dapper-wits of the inns of court , and the young critics of the university . furthermore , to prevent all infection of their errors , i directed my monitory letters to the sieur batterton , advising him to keep no correspondence , either directly or indirectly , with those aforesaid apostates from sense and reason ; adding , that in case of neglect , i wou'd certainly put the theatre under an interdict , send a troop of dragoons from drury-lane to demolish his garrison in salisbury-court ; and absolve all his subjects , even the sub-deacons and acolyths of the stage ; his trusty door-keepers and candle-lighters from their oaths of fealty and allegiance . there remains yet behind a little stammering sonnetier , whom i suspended a beneficio some two years ago for a play of his called the banditti ; but because he understands no more latin than iacta est alea , anguillam cauda tenes , for which he quotes at second hand erasmus's adagies , and consequently is not capable of forming any great designs against my government , i have forbore to treat him with any further severity , and allow'd him the humble priviledge of charming country ladies , and city-prentices . now clear the stage of poets — and enter thou many-headed beast , the mobile of england . it had been an endless piece of trouble , mr. crites , to have run over all those several parts which make up this heterogeneous monster ; or to have treated the inkle-weavers , the porters , the tankard-bearers , the dealers in ribbons , news-books , wall-divinity , and penny-cust●rds , and the rest of that mechanical herd , in a chapter by themselves : adam's naming all the beasts in paradice had been nothing to it . so in the twinkling of an eye i have ranked the almighty rabble in one continued line , from 〈◊〉 to charing-cross . but what do you think now will follow up in this same business ? crites . nay the lord knows , mr. bays , for i can't imagine what should . bays . why sir no more than this ; if they reach'd two mile further , i have a verse for all that which shall go beyond 'em : 't is a most exceeding sharp reflection upon the whole body , but i'gad so cunningly disguised with a hard word or two , that it is not in the capacity of every mean person to understand it : and i dare engage to speak it as safely before 'em all , as a justice of peace may quote a false statute at a sessions , or a priest may speak false latine in giving the absolution . eugenius . and i dare also engage for my part , mr. bays , before i hear what it is , that this same almighty rabble of yours shall be apt to mistake it for a complement , as some of their predecessors before 'em took si populus vult decepi , for a patriarchal benediction . bays . pray sir mind your own business , and don 't trouble your self for any concern of mine — but , mr. crites , you shall hear now with what freedom i have censur'd this fickle multitude , this neutrum modo , mas modo vulgus : not truth nor reason make thee at a stay , thou leap'st o're all — i find i must take breath again before i can compass it , 't is so very long — thou leap'st o're all eternal truths in thy pindaric way . crites . this is a cutter , by my faith mr. bays , it lashes somewhere with a vengeance ; and i am now perswaded if the rabble did but understand how severely you have affronted 'em , that you 'd have a greater mutiny about your ears than the late cow-keeper , or sir nicholas gimcrack in the virtuoso . bays . i am much of your opinion mr. crites , but prithee is it not a noble majestic verse that last ? thou leap'st o're all eternal — to tell you the truth , i measur'd it not by my fingers , but a pair of compasses ; and i dare safely say 't is the longest line except one in christendom . now because you are my extraordinary good friends , i will tell you whence i borrow'd the hint : it was my fortune once in my travels to drop into a country ale-house , where some few stories of the old testament were represented in very ancient hangings : amongst the rest , that famous passage between pharaoh and moses was touch'd upon , with some old-fashioned poetry beneath it to explain the figure , and these individual lines that follow , as i very well remember , walked clearly round the room . why was not be a rascal who refused to suffer the children of israel to go into tho wilderness — crites . what have you not done with it , mr. bays ? bays . no , no , — with their wives and families to eat the paschal . there 's a line for you , mr. crites , if all the pindari● in the world were lost , this wou'd certainly retrieve it from oblivion . i had the curiosity to measure it , and 't is just forty six foot of metre , no more , nor no less . i warrant you any other man might have seen it twenty and twenty times , and never edify'd the value of a brass farthing at the sight ; but i am an inquisitive person you know , and like a good chymist , can extract rich spirits of poetry out of the most insipid matter . — so much at present for the several orders and degrees of mankind : but i wish with all my heart my quarrels had stopt here , or been only confin'd to my fellow creatures ; but i faith i have been so unfortunate in my time as to make a step higher , so that , if it is with angels , as with any particular society of men here upon earth , where , if you disoblige one , you disoblige all the rest ; i must confess to my shame and sorrow , that i have affronted the whole celestial hierarchy : for , mr. crites , i have put the grossest abuse imaginable upon one of their tribe , who , as i am informed , makes no inconsiderable figure amongst em even the archangel gabriel . crites . how mr. bays , the archangel gabriel ! what occasion had you to quarrel with him ? bays . troth mr. crites , none at all : how should i ? i never saw him , or spoke with him , to the best of my knowledge in all my life : but now and then 't is my misfortune to be possest with the spirit of contradiction , and at that time should you attempt me with all the kind language , and the most convincing arguments in the world , i am not to be perswaded . thus in my life of plutarch , when it lay in my power either to have wav'd the business , or at one words speaking , to have made as good a christian of that reverend philosopher as ever lived ; and i might easily have prevailed with good st. ierome to set his hand to the affidavit ( for you must know that honest father inserted a worse man , the cuckold-maker seneca by name , into his catalogue ) yet i'gad , i make him , in spight of his teeth , to continue in his old pagan perswasion , and present him with half a dozen objections against the christian religion , which i 'm sure will never relish as long as the world stands , with a philosophers critical palate . thus also in the conquest of mexico , a foolish freak took me in the head , and i must make not only the indian priest , and montezuma himself ( who was in truth a very illiterate prince ) but even some of his courtiers ( who are a sort of men you know that seldom trouble themselves either with the speculative or practick part of religion ) so confound the spanish chaplain and the rest of his countrymen , that they were forced in the fifth act , when other methods fail'd , to betake themselves to the infallible arguments of the rack , in order to make the emperour and his priest set their hands to the apostles creed , and the popes supremacy . eugen. that was very unkindly done , indeed mr. bays . bays . so it was sir , and i have reckon'd it ever since among one of my crying sins , and design to do hearty pennance for it as long as i live . but to pursue the business in hand , the very same spirit of contradiction i was mentioning before , seiz'd me when i undertook to clear miltons paradice of weeds , and garnish that noble poem with the additional beauty and softness of rhyme . he , like a blind buzzard as he was , makes adam perform his addresses so ungracefully , introduces him discoursing so unlike a gentleman , with that negligence of language , and stupidity of spirit , that i'gad , you 'd pitty his condition . and then for eve , as he has drawn her character , she talks so like an insipid country house-keeper , whose knowledge goes no farther than the still or the dairy , who is as little acquainted with the tenderness of passion , as the management of an intreague , that one cannot choose but wonder at it . now when i came to fall upon this work , i was resolved to bestow a little good breeding upon our first parents , to shew them the gallantry of a court , and the discipline of an academy , to give them a turn or two in the mall , and the galleries at whitehall , to entertain 'em with a play in the kings box at the theatre , and afterwards with a fashionable oglio at lockets or the blue-posts , that so they might be prevail'd with to leave the contemptible frugality of feeding upon sallads , and shake off all that clownish rust which they had contracted in a former education . for this reason . mr. crites , i have made that great grand-mother of ours , discourse after another rate then she did before ; she talks of love as feelingly as a thrice-married widdow , yet rails at marriage with the same concern as if she had seen the misfortunes of half her daughters ; tells her gallant that it was the practice of all his sex to decoy poor innocent maids with sham stories of their passion ; and that he 'd be as apt to forget her after the enjoyment was over , as a sharper of the town forgets the last friend he borrowed money of : in fine , she discourses of flames , darts and transports , of the performances of lovers , and the fatality of matrimony , ( though god knows , the poor gentleman had no occasion to understand them before ) with as much familiarity as the emperour montezuma discourses of the sea , who had scarce seen or heard of a puddle greater than a horse-pond in all his life time . and then as for adam , i have put my self to the charges of giving him a year or two's running at the university , made him as well acquainted with all the arguments of the supralapsarians , as a justices clark is with all the she-traders in his masters dominions : so that when the arch-angel gabriel came to pay him a visit at his summer-house , he presently engages him before the second course was remov'd , in the mysterious controversie about freewill , proposes mediums , solves objections , tells his guest that his major was open enough to let a whole shoul of arminians in at the breeches ; that his minor would not hold water ; and sometimes i'gad , in plain downright english , assures him that his inferences had no more relation to the premises , than the alcoran to the four evangelists . crites . pray mr. bays how long ago is it since angels have made use of syllogism ? i thought that those intuitive gentlemen had never put themselves to the trouble of tracing causes by their effects , or drawing conclusions from their premises . bays . why there 's the mischief on 't , i knew well enough that the angels stand in no more need of a grammatica rationis , than a ready wit does of a common-place-book ; but such is my unhappiness now and then , that i must run contrary to the sentiments of all mankind , though my whole family suffers by it : nay to aggravate the matter , i made this great progenitor of ours , so ba●●le the arch-angel in the intricate point of free-will , that i should have been most mortally afraid that the discontented gabriel had carryed some dregs of calvinism along with him into heaven , and infected the rest of his fellow angels , but that i have heard nothing of it since : however i am in a fair way now , i hope , to be reconciled to him , for i employ my tutelar genius every morning to sollicit his pardon , and to let him know from me , that if ever this unfortunate opera of mine lives to a second edition , i design to write a poeta loquitur on that part of the page where the angel discourses . eugen. that will do very well mr. bays , to recover his lost reputation with the reader , and no question on 't , but it will go a great way to encline him to better thoughts of your repentance : put prethee little bays , may i make so bold as to enquire the reason why you are so great an enemy to freewill ? is it not because you are willing to plead fatal necessity at the day of judgment , and lay all your miscarriages at your makers door ? bays . i must give you the same answer to this question , as a country-physician gave a friend of mine , who came to enquire of him how he cured himself of his last ague ; for you must note , that this same blunderbuss , by some accident or other , had dropt upon a right medicine : no sir ( said he ) i beg your pardon , for i am under an obligation never to disclose the secret to any person breathing , but if you are so lucky as to name the true remedy , for our old acquaintance sake , i 'll not conceal it from you . is it ( says the gentleman ) octabis hilarii ? no i protest : why then , i 'll lay all that i 'm worth in the world , continues he , that it is quindena paschae . neither is it that upon my life , but for your comfort , it is something as like quindena paschae as may be ; nay , to satisfie you farther in the case , quindena paschae is one of the chief ingredients . in like manner mr. eugenius , i must tell you , that you have not pitch'd upon the true reason why i am so bitter an enemy to freewill ( for that relates to a particular affront which i receiv'd from an arminian divine ) but i can assure you upon my integrity , that it comes as nigh the true reason , as any thing in the world can come nigh another . i am sure it is not only my own interest , but the interest of half mankind , that we carry'd no such troublesome thing as freewill about us , for then i know who must bear the blame of our extravagancies another day ; it wou'd remove all those peevish melancholly distinctions of good and evil , and score the frequent sallies and excesses of our life upon the unavoidable influences and failures of humane nature . but gentlemen , i have somewhere in the compass of four lines , urged this opini●●● except i am mightily deceiv'd , with all the accuracy and strength of 〈◊〉 , which so nice a subject can well allow of . oh now i remember ●●em ! the priesthood grossly cheat us with freewill , will to do what , but what heaven first decreed ; our actions then are neither good nor ill , since from eternal causes they proceed . 〈◊〉 . i fancy mr. bays , that these verses , with some little alteration , would not be amiss in a young poets prologue , who is to excuse the errours of his essay to an audience . the criticks basely charge us with freewill , will to write what , but what our stars decreed ; our poems then are neither good nor ill , since from all-ruling planets they proceed . ha! mr. bays , what think you now ? wou'd not this mollisie the cruel hearts of the most prejudiced spectators ? bays . mollisie them ? no question on 't mr. crites , unless the old gentleman in black possess'd them all . i could inlarge very copiously upon this hint of yours , but that i am desirous to finish the relation of my conquests , before i proceed to any other business ; and therefore to draw my victories into a narrower compass , i have affronted the men of wit in my gallants , expos'd the men of valour in my heroes , ridicul'd the men of love and extasie in my jealous coxcombs , the ladies in my complying females , country parsons in all my pagan priests , and princes in my lawless maximines of the theatre ; i have lashed the state of matrimony in my marriage a-la-mode , the state of celibacy and a monastic life in my spanish fryar , and love in a nunnery ; the state of cuckoldom in my limberham , the state of innocence in my opera of adam : in a word ( if you 'll be pleas'd to allow me the benefit of the clergy , that is , the christian priviledge of one single quibble at parting ) i have lashed the states of holland in my tragedy of amboyna . eugen. and you have murder'd good sense and comedy with a vengeance in your wild gallant . crites . now we talk , mr. bays , of the wild gallant , of all loves remember me to the merry taylor , and tell him , if he continues his old humour of trusting people for the sake of a jest , i 'll help him to half a dozen irish officers , that shall jest and quibble two hours by the clock , for a new pair of breeches , and what shall be the best jest of all , never pay for them . eugen. but mr. bays , this long digression of yours , has clearly put you beside the story you promised us . bays . goodsookers , so it has ! oh this treacherous forgetful head of mine ! it serves me more unhandsome tricks i'gad , than a young lawyers memory , who has not attained to his westminster-hall compass of fitz , pere and ayle : but how to fall exactly into the same place where i left on the lord knows how ▪ unless you can assist me gentlemen . eugen. very easily sir , for all that we have hitherto heard concerning your story , only comes to this , that some three weeks before your conversion in . it was your fortune to go down the river as fas as greenwich , with some irish gentlemen of your acquaintance . bays . right sir , with some irish gentlemen of my acquaintance , where out of an excess of friendship , and a mistaken principle of honour , i drank a prodigious quantity of wine for two days together , tho to deal honestly with you , the wine was only sit to be drank in a protestant communion , or to bury prince belzebubs subjects . crites . have a care mr. bays , you are always abusing some princes subjects or other ; but pray sir to what part of the globe do these strangers belong , or what do you mean by prince belzebubs subjects ? bays . why the flyes man ! oh lord that you shou'd be so ignorant : i hope sir a man may pass a jest upon the flyes , without offending you , or any body else crites . no question on 't mr. bays . but prithee man , why so severe upon the protestant communicants ? bays . because it is so unseemly a sight to see a fat two-handed layman , with a face which you may divide as dr. heylin has done the kingdom of poland , into the champain and the woody , overgrown with beard , and looking like the moon half recovered out of an eclipse ( pray mind the comparison ) spill half the chalice upon his whiskers , and afterwards wipe 'em with his greasy elbow . crites . rather than break squares between both churches as to that particular , i 'le engage , mr. bays , that the laymen shall all of 'em be shaved before they come to church . bays . it can never be done sir , say what you will , or propose what expedients you will ; for a laymans face ( and the experiment was made before no worse company than the council of constance ) can never be made so sleek and all that , as a sacerdotal countenance : i have , mr. crites , since i was reduced , laboured in this affair to accomodate it , as much as any person whatever , for i wou'd not willingly pay for wine and not have my share , but it won't do . another project i have thought upon , which is a great deal more feasible , may be of infinite advantage to the kingdom , and i hope may meet with better success . eugenius . pray mr. bays what is that ? bays . why , you know sir , what a dull time the poets have had of it lately , since the considerers and answerers of both sides have invaded the press , no more to do i'gad than a player in the vacation ; and wit as perfect and meer a drug as wool was before the burying act. now what do you think i intend to do in this case , mr. crites ? crites . faith sir , i can't tell , for i have no extraordinary hand at supposition and conjecture . bays . no , you may think and pump your imagination these forty years , and ne're be the wiser . why , i intend — but you 'll half kill your selves with laughing at the conceit — i intend to get a burying act for the muses . crites . a burying act ! as how i pray ? bays . i will make my application to the worshipful members of the next parliament , and represent to them the miserable condition of nine muses , which is more to be pittyed i'gad , than all the sufferings of the french protestants . in order to make my petition meet with better entertainment ▪ and move their compassion , i 'll tell them a lamentable story of apollo , the father of these girls , how i saw him the other day eating spoon-meat amongst porters in the stocks-market , in a little greasy old-fashion'd black cloak , which hung about his shoulders like a heralds coat without sleeves , and scarce reach'd so low as one of your sub-deacons surplices at sumerset-house ; likewise with a little extinguisher-like hat on , and that when i enquired of him , how it came to be so unmercifully paired and circumcised , he should answer that he parted with a groats worth of the brim , to equip a basket-hilt in lincolns inn fields ; nay , to secure my self from all possible dangers of a disappointment in the case , i design to acquaint them with what the old gentleman had informed me concerning his daughters ; that unless their relief came presently , they must be forced like the city orphans , to marry below themselves , and take up with lawyers clerks , penny-chroniclers , and smithfield-sonnetiers , for want of better ; that they durst not make their appearance at any places of publick resort , because they wanted the necessary accommodation of night-rails and top-knots ; and that the trusty keepers of westminster had discarded 'em , ever since they retrenched their families , and turned out their servants to board-wages . and then as for himself , he protests that he has not tasted a drop of wine since the conduits pist claret at the coronation ; that he could not be trusted a week ago in pauls church yard for half a dozen strings to his welsh harp , tho he was amoagst so many of his own tenants , the booksellers ; and lastly ▪ to use his own expression ( by which you may perceive his necessities have made him profane as well as desperate ) that he has subsisted of late years like the poor melancholly accidents in transubstantiation , without a subject to quarter upon . crites . nothing certainly will prevail upon 'em , mr. bays , if this story won't . bays . nay you may let me alone to move the hearts of any assembly in christendom . after i have prepossess'd 'em with this doleful tale , i will humbly offer to their charitable considerations these following proposals . that for encouraging the manufacture of poetry , ( pray observe me gentlemen , i call it a manufacture , because to my self it is more the trouble of the fingers than the labour of the brain ) which has of late years , to the ruine of several families , the decay of trade , and the loss of the kingdom in general , been discontinued ; both houses of parliament think fit to order for the future ; first , that no person above the degree of a lord shall presume to be buried under a dozen stanza's of good lawful pindaric poetry ; for which his heirs , executors , and administrators shall pay a crown a stanza . crites : but why not , mr. bays , as well be buried in good heroic ? bays . for a certain reason sir , which i am sure will make you bepiss your self , 't is so extreamly diverting . you know sir , that princes , dukes , and earls ( i can't help reflecting for the heart of me ) are a sort of lawless , ungovernable people : now what kind of poetry is so suitable , do you think , for these persons , as that which defies all rules , leaps over all constitutions , and , in fine , does what it pleases . secondly , that all people , from the condition of a lord down to a baronet , shall be embalmed in twenty pair of heroic verses , for which they shall pay a noble . now the reason why i am for burying these worthy gentlemen in heroic is this , that as the nile seldom mounts above the th figure , and seldom ebbs below the th , so true valour rarely rises above a lord , and rarely falls below the quality of a baronet . eugen. why could you not , mr. bays , have borrowed your instance from the quick-silver in a weather-glass , as well as travelled for one as far as egypt . i find you are for hedging a stake in your old age amongst the men of valour . thirdly , that country squires , heads of houses , doctors of divinity , and the civil law , prebends of cathedrals ; all mayors , bailiffs , and aldermen , &c. shall be buried in their dearly-beloved acrostics , ( you see i am tart upon half the nation ) for which they are to pay seven groats ( cheap enough i'gad ) and that the poet shall be bound to bait the last distich either with pun or quibble ; otherwise to receive nothing for his labour ; any thing in this act or statute to the contrary notwithstanding . crites . methinks mr. bays , you ought in conscience to have excepted the mayors of wooden-basset and queenborough , i dare engage the magistrates there had rather be interred without the solemnity of an epitaph , than go to the charges of paying for it . bays . no , no , they must pay , if it were only for representing his majesty . fourthly , that all others of meaner rank and families , shall be content to lye wrapt in a wholesome short ditty , to the melancholly tune of st. sepulchers chimes , for which they must pay one single tester . fifthly , that whereas mr. bays has done the nation such important service , and gratified all parties ; that is , libelled the priests to please the laity , and railed at the laity to get himself reconciled to the priests ; lampoon'd the court to oblige his trusting friends in the city , and ridicul'd the city to secure a promising lord at court ; exposed the kind keepers of convent-garden to please the cuckolds of cheapside , and drolled upon the city do-littles to tickle the convent-garden limberhams ; drawn his pen against the romanists , to win the hearts of fanatics and socinians , and afterwards attack'd all the herd of dissenters , to retaliate the injury done to the romanists ; railed at matrimony to ingratiate with the superannuated maids of honour , and damn'd a single life to get a dinner amongst the fond husbands : that in consideration of these , and several other important services , the members of both houses think fit to settle the priviledge of licencing all poets whatsoever , from the humble dealers in tobacco-box-inscrip●ions , to the wholesale traders in drammatick , on him and his heirs for ever ; which poets are to renew their licences every half year ; to obey all his orders and instructions , are never to exceed five hundred , and to be marked in the back as hackney-coaches are . — so much for this project , ( which is not much amiss , considering every body at court , not the meanest irishman excepted , are now in the begging humour ) but i forget the main business , my story — we continued at greenwich full two days , all which time we did nothing at all i'gad but drink and tipple : a certain passage happen'd the second day , which is not unworthy the relating , but because we have already been so much upon the digression , i 'le e'ne forbear it — eugen. nay , mr. bays , if you 'll promise to be laconic , let us have it . bays . a certain gentleman came accidentally into the room where we were drinking , and desired to be admitted into the company ; we told him any civil person was welcome , and so he was receiv'd . some short time after there happen'd a little occasional discourse concerning purgatory , and this spark was so unfortunate to say he disbelieved it ; now to the everlasting shame of all those persons who have the assurance to deny purgatory , i maul'd him so by dint of argument , and wit , sheer wit i gad , that he had not one syllable to say for himself . crites . i thought , mr. bays , that your dear self at that time had been of the gentlemans opinion . bays . troth sir i must needs own that i had no over-great opinion of the place till this lucky passage confirmed me . indeed i had little dawning of the gospel upon me for a fortnight before , but it was a doubtful glimmering sort of a light , and as i may say , just like that by which corinna obliged her gallant , pars adoperta fuit , pars altera clausa fenestrae . crites . is not that comparison of yours , mr. bays , somewhat of the lewdest ? methinks you might have resembled the dawning of the gospel to something else . bays . tho it is a little luscious , it is exceeeding witty , and that is all as i desire in a simile : sir , said i to the gentlemen , you don't believe purgatory it seems , because it was not discovered before the th century , by the abbot of clugny . right , says he . why don't you as well , mr. wiseacre ( rejoyn'd i ) believe there 's no such place as america , because it has not been discover'd above two huudred years ago ; upon which we all fell a laughing , and the poor gentleman looked with as mortifyed a countenance as pharaohs baker , of famous memory , when his dream was interpreted to him . crites . faith mr. bays , and that was ill enough in all conscience . bays . lord , mr. crites , i have a hundred times more to say in behalf of purgatory than this comes to , and all i'gad , my own iuvat ire jugis qua nulla priorum orbita — i can't endure to follow any mans footsteps , and that 's the reason i so mortally hate your ficulnea argumenta , your artillery drawn out of the bible . what do you think i design at this very present , but to write a play call'd the discovery of purgatory , and to bring in the abbot of clugny in the first scene ; with these lines in his mouth . abbot . on what new slaming country are we thrown , so long kept secret , and so lately known , as if the seats of erebus withdrew , and here in private had conceiv'd a new . rare i'gad ; and now the monk answers him : monk. fire , charcoal , pipes , tobacco here are found , with which our countrys plenteously abound ; but cider and cool tankards here are scant , right lime-juice we , and punch moreover want . mind that more moreover i pray , methinks it is so natural for a monk , or a country parson . as if this infant — crites . what do you as if again , mr. bays ? bays . ay , sir , and perhaps will as if it this hour longer if i please ; should not the monk , i pray , answer his abbot . as if this infant world yet unarray'd , like house with bill on door were starv'd for want of trade . the quintessence of wit , by my faith , gentlemen , but now it comes to the abbots turn to speak , who because he was something of a scholar , i have made him demolish all the peripatitic philosophy in a moment . abbot . here the true elementar fire resides , and o're the spacious fields in triumph rides ; down then the stagyrite with all his crew , let infamy and scorn his name pursue ; he held that fire dwelt in concavo lunae , but here 't is lodg'd , say i , the learned clerk of clugny . 't is new , and out of the rode , this same reflection , mr. crites ; and the abbot , you must know , was the more willing to take this opportunity of quarrelling with aristotle , for his pestilent heretical doctrine about accidents ; for my part , i owe him a grudge also , but design as soon as i can , to get out of his debt ; 't is but saying openly in a coffe-house , that iesuits powder is the bark of his predicamental tree , and you destroy his reputation for ever amongst the mobile . but to the monk again . monk. heaven from all ages wisely did provide , and for the bravest church these mansions hide , that we whose head supreme and unconfin'd , is neither god nor man , but of a middle kind ; should neither climb to heaven , nor sink to hell , but in some place between for endless ages dwell . there 's a thought for you , mr. crites , match it me if you can in the whole universe , 't is all flame and spirit , and nothing but a soul that has run through a course of chymistry and purgatory , could have utter'd it . after this follows one of the finest scenes you ever read , but because it is somewhat of the longest , i will only give you the heads of it : as soon as the monk had done speaking these last words , a messenger comes in from the podesta of pensylvania , to acquaint the abbot of clugny , that his master and the superintendent of new-england , did intend that morning to try a brace of congregational bull-dogs , at an episcopal panther in the bear-garden , in the ecliptic , and afterwards fully resolved to give him a meeting at his toleration-apartment in purgatory , and that if they liked the scituation of the country , the temper of the clymate , the convenience of trading , and found the place capable of being improved and cultivated , they would presently send him a colony of huge mortals , with large hats and no cravats , to inhabit it . whereupon — eugen. under correction , mr. bays , this same abbot of clugny is a very uncivil person to put you out of your road thus . come sir , your half hour is already past , aud we won't be so unmannerly as to hinder your devotion , and make you more matter for the next confession . bays . goodsookers , mr. eugenius , are you going already ? why , i am but just enter'd upon my story , and the best part of it is still behind : i 'll trespass this once on father what d' ye call him — if you 'll sit down on the next bench and hear it out . eugen. with all my heart , provided it will be no injury at all to you , mr. bays , for i should be as loath to hinder a poets devotion , as an aldermans alms , or a souldiers sobriety , the reformation of a player , or the loyalty of a dissenter . bays . 't will be no injury at all i'gad — now once in my life , mr. crites , i 'll borrow my method from a country parson . you know 't is the way of those dull , formal , insipid animals , after they have made a long tedious harangue in the morning , to serve it up in the afternoon as people do their cold meat , the better to imprint it in the memory of their flock , as they pretend ; but i'gad , i say only to wiredraw the afternoons discourse , and save themselves the expence of a little candle-light and thinking . even so , gentlemen , if you please to remember , i told you that in the year one thousand six hundred eighty five , i chanced to go down to greenwich , with some irish gentlemen , where for the space of two days ( pray observe the expression , because it came from the other side wapping ) drinking had got the weather-gage of sobriety . but now i am come to tell you , that the next morning after , i looked as ill as a poor gentleman of the town , who has past through a system of natural philosophy some half a dozen times at the bagnio ; i was all over in a flame , and so very sick ( that though i am far from complementing the place ) yet i should be very well content to have no other punishment inflicted on the council of at geneva , than to share that illness between them , which i endured in my own person . crites i thought mr. bays , that the man who could endure such a brunt for two days , was a confirm'd season'd debauch , and that nothing could hurt him . bays . alas sir , i seldom us'd to engage upon such hot service , unless an extraordinary occasion happen'd , and then i was sure to do sufficient pennance the next morning . but to proceed sir , my wife would of all loves perswade me to repair the breaches of nature with a little dyet-drink : no , reply'd i , not for all the world , i scorn to be indebted to scandalous dyet-drink for my health , as much as i do to steal verses from a grave-stone , to purchase the reputation of a poet : nay ( continued i ) i scorn it more than a fanatick does to bind up his bible in the same calves-skin with the common-prayer-book and apocrypha . crites . what relation , pray , mr. bays , has the common-prayer-book and apocrypha , to your wifes dyet-drink ? bays . none at all , how should it ? it is only a comparison , mr. crites , and a comparison always ought to be surprizing : well , after i had consulted my constitution a little , i was resolved to relieve my self with brandy , which accordingly i did , in a corner-shop of the street , and there fell into the most profound contemplation , that ever any uninspired person was possess'd with : but , pray , gentlemen , what do you think it was that employ'd my meditation ? crites . why hell-fire , mr. bays , for any thing i know to the contrary ; if , as you say , your contemplation was so very profound . bays . well , i protest to you , mr. crites , you are enough to make any body split with laughing : hell-fire ! i can assure you such a thought never came into my head since my nurse bound it up for me . gad forgive me , that you cou'd ever imagine a poet should mortifie himself with such a consideration ; i am sure i have made more advances this way than any of my tribe , yet cou'd never , for the heart of me , travel further than purgatory . but to deal honestly with you , i thought of a certain business that was full as terrible i gad , and that was this : i considered with my self that the general conflagration of the world could not be above ten years oft at the farthest ; which made me resolve to part with ▪ all my darling sins on the sudden , and betake my self to the protection of that church , which cou'd give me the most convincing assurances of salvation . eugen. but pray , mr. bays , upon what ground was it that you believed the day of judgment was so nigh ? eugen. if you have a mind to edify , gentlemen , by what i am going to relate , i must entreat you to be very attentive ; for , as the affair we treat of is exceeding nice and delicate , so if you lose but one chain of the demonstration , you had as good have heard not one syllable ▪ i consider'd with my self , that from the first peopling of this island till the reformation , a little ale , encouraged with sugar and rosemary , passed for an universal cordial all the nation over — this is my principium — which levitical aqua vitae now and then interposed ; and i can exactly tell you how long the eclipse endured ; that is , how the ale laboured under a disrespect , and likewise how many digits were obscured ; that is , how many counties were guilty of using modern aqua vitae instead of primitive ancient ale : but this being a nicety , which perhaps needs not be so curiously examined , t will be better to wave it , and therefore i shall only desire you to remember , that ale , prepared after the above-mentioned manner , continued in very good repute and credit till the reformation . crites . yes , yes , mr. bays , and as i take it , this oecumenical cordial of yours , was confirmed in half a dozen provincial synods , held in cutlers theatre , in warwick-lane . bays . as for that , i cannot pass my word , friend crites , nor am i willing to say any thing but what i have from unquestionable tradition — now when the heat of controversie and enthusiasm had set the body natural of the body politick in a ferment , it was observ'd , that ale and beer were too cold for the constitutions of the people , and that they could no longer pass for cordials . eugen. alas ! poor discarded ale , how do i pity thee ! that thy old companion rose-mary , the reliever of thy infirmities , and the support of old age , should be forc'd to abandon thee ! but pray , mr. bays , is religion so great an inflamer ? i never understood that piece of philosophy before . bays . your protestant religion inflames as much , or rather more than a hectic feaver ; which i can make good by an undeniable demonstration to you , if you 'l both of you promise not to forget the foundation i have hitherto been laying down . bays . why then i have this question to ask you , mr. crites , were you ever at a quakers meeting ? crites . very frequently sir. bays . then tell me bona fide whether you ever saw a handsome woman of that sullen perswasion ? come confess the truth . crites . that i have , i can assure thee , little bays . bays . you may take it from me , she was a novice then , or else the heat of her zeal had certainly discoloured and sowr'd her countenance , and made her look like the rest of her sex in those pagan assemblies . it is an article of my faith , that it is as impossible for a woman to be a quaker any time and handsome , as 't is impossible for one to be a man of business and not dull : if you take a barrel of ale and place it to the sun-shine of your back-side , perhaps in the first week you 'll find no alteration , but in two or three months it certainly turns to vinegar . crites . very right , mr. bays ; but prethee shut your hands of this simile as soon as you can . bays . so likewise a she - quaker for the first half year may make a shift to preserve her beauty ; but afterwards , in spight of all spanish wool and pomatums , the heat of her religion will contract the muscles in her face : which is the reason that all your thorough-paced women of that opinion have an awkward grinning sort of a look , ( for grinning , whether you know it or no , is nothing else but a contraction of the muscles ) and are as easily known by it all the world over , as the men are by their set looks , formal hats , and short cravats . eugen. if you have done with this point , mr. bays , pray let me entreat you to reassume the business of the cordial . bays . well then , ale and beer being , for these reasons i mentioned , thus disbanded , we were forced to travel to the canaries for a cordial , and accordingly brought over potent catholick sack ; sack had not long danced about in thimbles and spoonfuls , but it desir'd to acquit the apothecaries shop , was very ambitious to inhabit a tavern-vault , and long'd extremely to converse with men of wit and gayety , instead of gossips , nurses , mid-wifes , and decrepit aldermen : but as familiarity makes every thing in the world contemptible , so in a short time sack grew out of fashion , ceas'd to perform its ancient office of a cordial ; and towards the latter end of the late usurpation , when we took iamaica from the spaniards , was forced to resign it self to potent brandy . brandy having had a large uncontroll'd , but a short reign , stands now upon its tiptoes , and is making way for the spirits of wine . crites . from what signs is it , mr. bays , that you conclude the downfal and overthrow of brandy ? to my poor judgment now , it seems as puissant and well-beloved a monarch as ever . bays . because it has of late years removed out of the city into the country , where i am sure it must , like the goddess of justice , take its last farewel of mortals . now after we have accustomed our selves to spirits of wine one half a score years , and consequently , heated our tenements of clay , our bodies , to the highest degree imaginable , if , as i told you before , the conflagration does not then happen , according to this sure infallible calculation , mind me , mr. crites , i give you free leave before your fuiend here , to post me up in a gazette , for as scandalous an author as the modern dealer in natural history ; or , if that won't serve your turn , as the whole litter of narrative-mongers , bound up in a volume . eugen. truly , mr. bays , this is a very astonishing , strange notion of yours , as i ever heard in my life . bays . i must needs value my self somewhat upon it , because it is properly the product of my imagination , and no person in the world ever thought of it before . but , gentlemen , you 'l entertain more favourable thoughts of this discovery , i 'm confiden● , if you 'l do me the honour to judge impartially of these two following collateral arguments , which unless , i am extremely deceiv'd in passing my opinion of things , very strongly back , and confirm the aforesaid hypothesis . the first is the immoderate and excessive taking of tobacco , which pestilent , noysome weed , was brought into europe much about the time when calvin tapp'd his anti-hierarchichal hogshead of presbytery at geneva . you are sensible that children smoak more now-adays , than even souldiers and carmen did heretofore ; and that more of this nasty stuff is spent at a beastly city-feast , than would have served the whole kingdom formerly . now tobacco drys the brain , inflames the blood , encreases choler , and takes away all that radical moisture , which even the brandy had the generosity to spare . so much for the first — crites . before you proceed any further , mr. bays , pray what do you think of the mighty request that snuff and coffee are in ? you know both of them are exceeding dryers ; will not this hint now serve to illustrate your cause ? bays . you may say what you please of coffee , but not a word of snuff , mr. crites , as you value your reputation , 't is too sacred a thing to be jested with ; you have free liberty from your friend bays , to make bold with every thing in the world , excepting snuff and the dispensing power . the other thing which confirmed me in this opinion , is likewise very shrewd and convincing , i could not but observe , gentlemen , the great use of deal within these few years every where . eugen. and what of that , mr. bays , you have no quarrel sure to the norway-company , for importing so much of the king of denmarks timber . bays . not the least sir ; but deal , you know , by reason of its unctuous resinous substance , is the soonest fired , and the hardest to be extinguished of any timber in dodona's grove , and therefore it seem'd to me a flat design of providence , to engage mankind in this tickle , short-lived sort of building , to fit their houses as well as their bodies , for the universal conflagration : you know quos vult perdere iupiter dementat ; and i am sure , those that iupiter intends to destroy by fire , those will iupiter by several methods and qualifications prepare and fitten for that business ; for it is not the way of providence to do things on the sudden , but to proceed by degrees , to dispose every particular circumstance for the ensuing affair , and stay till there 's a joynt concurrence in all the parts to advance the mighty catastrophe . thus , gentlemen , you have my opinion of the whole , and if you think it deserves the name of an essay , perhaps i may have it published amongst the curiosities of the next bibliotheque universal , or printed by way of appendix , or suppliment to burnets theoria telluris . crites . i must confess , mr. bays , it deserves a publick appearance , if you please to oblige the world so far , which however you seem'd very loath to do ; but under favour , sir , how came this same speculative point to bring you over to the catholick party . bays . i 'll tell you sir , hoping that the reasons i am going to ennumerate , which were of that efficacy as to reduce me , may be able to prevail upon both of you to quit your erroneous perswasion : i must confess my unskilfulness in a business of this nature ; and that i have not taken upon me the weighty province of gaining converts long enough to say i shall make no mistakes in the management ; and therefore i must secure my self of your pardon before i advance into so intricate an undertaking — after i had thus faln upon this metaphysical contemplation , i found my self concern'd to make the best provision for my soul that i could , and that it was high time to consider the circumstances of my wretched condition . i reflected upon the unhappy miscarriages and over-boilings of my youth , the solemn transgressions of my manhood ; the passion , pride , and complicated sins of my old age ; i call'd to mind the injuries i had done both church and state , and all those unlawful , brutal attempts , which in my former days of ignorance , i had made upon all the degrees of mankind , and which i have so copiously related to you . at last , after an impartial unprejudiced scrutiny into all the visible churches of the universe , i found that the catholicks only proceeded upon sure grounds ; that theirs was the well constituted church which maintain'd infallibility at its own cost and charges , while all other assemblies declined the expence ; that it had the discretion to keep an ensuring office in the camera apostolica , and for a small consideration wou'd secure a mans tenement , with setting a papal phoenix upon it , from all damages of fire hereafter . — wherefore , at that very moment i shifted my party , and betook my self to that primitive indulgent mother , which heretofore converted our ancestors from paganism , and has ever since been attended and adorned with a continued series of miracles . crites . i hope however , mr. bays , you 'll preserve a charitable thought of the establish'd religion , for all it came from king henry's incontinence , since your own reformation proceeded from a debauch , and had its birth , growth and full maturity in a brandishop . bays . i might be enclined sir , to do such a thing , if it could be allow'd with any tolerable convenience , but if you once forbid a romanist to meddle with that topic , he has as little to say as a bully when you tye him up from swearing ; or a poet , when you debar him the liberty of repeating ▪ 't is not to be granted , mr. crites . but now , because i will proceed regularly in my discourse , you shall first of all hear those exceptions which i made to the protestant assemblies ; and secondly , the reasons which confirmed and settled me in the bosom of the roman catholick church . eugen. with all my heart , but i think we had best retire to some more convenient place in the walks , for i see some company coming forward . bays . god so ▪ 't is the learned author of the nubes testium , and the worthy person who has done the christian world such service , in proving that the belief of a trinity is not settled upon a better bottom than transubstantiation : i have promis'd , now i remember , to dine with them at a noble gentlemans in the hay-market , and therefore i must request you to excuse me at present — but if you please to give me the meeting at wills coffee-house , about three in the afternoon , we 'l remove into a private room , where over a dish of tea , we may debate this important affair with all the solitude imaginable . crites . agreed , mr. bays , we 'l not fail at the place and hour appointed to wait upon you . antiquam exquirite matrem is the word , and so farewel . finis . notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a -e see the preface before the religio laici . * printed by tonson . . notes for div a -e * ded. epist. before limberham . first part of the miscell . religio la●●● the pref. pref. to absol . prol. to the spanish fryar . * mr. blunts religio laici . prol. to the spanish fryar . first part of the miscell . ind. emp. hind and panther , p. . first part of the miscell . first part of the miscell . p. . p. . first part of the miscell . spanish fryar . p. . absol . and a●bi● . the medal . . the reasons of the new converts taking the oaths to the present government in a dialogue / by the author of the reasons of mr. bay's conversion. brown, thomas, - . approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; 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ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf- unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p , characters represented either as utf- unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng dissenters, religious -- england -- early works to . oaths -- england -- early works to . dissenters, religious -- early works to . oaths -- early works to . - tcp assigned for keying and markup - apex covantage keyed and coded from proquest page images - emma (leeson) huber sampled and proofread - emma (leeson) huber text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion the reasons of the new convert's taking the oaths to the present government . by the author of the reasons of mr. bay's conversion . in a dialogue . — multa in homine signa insunt , ex quibus confectura facile fit , duo , cum idem faciunt , saepe ut possis dicere ▪ hoc licet impune facere huic , illi non licet , non quod dissimilis res sit , sed quod qui facit . ter. — uxori nubere nolo meae . mart. london , printed in the year . the preface to the reader . there needs nothing more be said concerning the following dialogue , then that it was written about a month agoe , as several gentlemen in town know very well ; and that it had been then published , but for a particular reason , that is , not perhaps so very convenient to be told . the author is not so great a fool , as to imagine that a little fair language in the preface will make any sensible reader think the better of his performance ; only he begs ▪ leave to acquaint him with the occasion of printing it at this time ; especially when so many people of such different opinions and characters in the world , have appear'd on the same subject before him . last week there came abroad a certain poem called the weesils , which several persons were at first pleased to lay at my door , though now they are satisfied it was done by another hand ; the author of it having since thought fit to own it publickly , and so to take care , that whatever reputation or scandal was to be gotten from such an undertaking , might not be carried away by a stranger . however a certain nameless rascal about the town upon no better a ground , than the common report , which yet the fellow owns to be a common liar , charges me with writing it : and though in the beginning of his libel , he cants about the gates of mercy being always open , and that excellent rule of not doing to others , what what we would not have done to our selves , yet before he had fully informed himself of his man , or the merits of the cause , he very honestly recommends it to the pious care of the doctors relations to get me knocked in the head for abusing his lady ; and at last tells the world that i am as proper a person as any is in the three kingdoms to be shewn at chirurgeons-hall . i am sorry for the reader 's sake , that this malicious wretch is of too mean and sordid a character for me take him into my consideration ; for otherwise , the scriber might expect to receive a small cast of my old office ; and i assure him he should find to his own cost the heaviness of my hand , if i were in humour to give my self the trouble of ierking him . however before we part , i must tell him , that i have no reason as yet to be so weary of my life , as to desire to be deified after andrew marvel's manner : nor are my obligations to the city physitians so very great , but that i could be content to see all of them hanged , before they should ever come to learn anatamy at the expence of my tabernacle . if i must be sent to another world , i think 't is but reasonable that it should be for something of my own , and not for the merits of another man ; and therefore for this reason i was resolved to publish the ensuing dialogue . what served to confirm me further in my resolution to print it , was because it having been transcribed by several hands contrary to promise and without my own consent , it cou'd not fail one time or other to steal abroad ; and according to the common apology that we authors use to make in such cases , i was not willing , that what was design'd as a satyr upon other men , should turn to be a satyr upon my self . i hope none of our dissenters are so vain as to imagine that i wou'd ever contribute to make them merry at the charges of any member of the established church ; if they please to turn over two or three leaves , i don't question but they 'll be sensible enough , that i design'd no such matter ; and to say the truth , if a man may guess at the hearts of a people by their pamphlets and coffee-house conversation , one has all the reason in the world to conclude that they 'll preserve the honour of monarchy under this reign , much after the same ra●e as they consulted the security of the protestant religion under the last . i was always of opinion , that nothing in the world is so ridiculous as a feeble , impotent satyr , and that consideration perhaps has carried me sometimes into such heats as i will not pretend to excuse , tho it is easie enough to observe that i have often avoided to pursue my reflections , even where there was a plausible occasion to do it . 't is as impossible now to retract what is done upon this score , as it would be foolish to implore the reader 's candor to forgive it : but however as this is the first time i ever meddled with so nice a subject , so 't is likely to be the last . the reasons of the new convert's taking the oaths to the present government . in a dialogue between timothy , and freeman . tim. vvho's that , my old friend mr. freeman , e comitatu bucks ? 't is the very same , i 'll e'ne go and renew my acquaintance with him . dear sir , your humble servant ; how have you done this many a fair day , and how long have you been in town ? freeman . but just come out of the coach , as you may perceive , where it has been my misfortune to do pennance all the way , in such intolerable company , as never any man was plagued with ; men of no sense or reason , yet mighty politicians , and ten times more troublesom . tim. than damnation burgess , when he 's answering cases of conscience , or millington at an auction , or a scotch-man upon an occasional sermon : but prethee who had you got with you ? freem . there was a venerable old gentleman , that by the courtesy of the late reign , was made a iustice of peace ; and he was declaiming perpetually upon the puissance and heroical vertues of louis le grand , whom he fancied to be as irresistible at the calvinist divines make god's grace . then there was a leash of country attorneys , who took a great deal of care i heartily thank 'em , to stun me all the way with their damn'd unintelligible law-cases , which i had no more a mind to understand , than i have to learn , either the modern notions of government , or the modern systems of theology . lastly , to compleat my misery , we had an ancient sage matron in the coach , and she with tears in her eyes , railed very devoutly at the lewdness of the present age , occasioned by the non-resistance doctrin of some divines ; i thank god , says she , i never practised it since i was fourteen : and then she fell as severely upon the miscarriages of the late fornicating admiral ( as she called him , ) as a she tarpaulin , who has lost her only husband in the engagement . tim. a very pretty consort i'faith . so i don't question but what between the politicks of the justice , and the impertinence of your lawyers , and the pious ejaculations of your female companion , you found your self as uneasy , as a blundering cit amongst the verse-repeating beaux of wills coffee-house , or the chair-man of a committee amongst his herd of country petitioners . but setting this business aside , prithee tell me how thou hast done this long while , for unless i am mistaken , 't is above three years since we saw you last in town . freem . why truly tim. i live after my old laudable custom still ; sometimes i divert my self with a chearful bottle , and sometimes , pass away an hour or two with an honest old author ; for to say the truth , your new gentlemen scarce deserve a reading . i pay my taxes without repining ; do what good i oan amongst my neighbours , never trouble my self with other mens business ; and though the duty i owe to their present majesties will not permit me to talk so scandalously and disrespectfully of the two late reigns , as some hot-headed sots have done , yet i am as well satisfied with the present establishment , and as zealous for the prosperity of old england , as the forwardest courtier , who has made his fortune by the revolution , and consequently is obliged to stand up for it as well upon the score of his interest as his choice . thus i have answered your question , and now prithee let me know what news you have in town . tim. a right country gentleman's question i'faith , for the first thing he generally asks you is , what is the news ? as the country ladies when they come up to town , enquire in the first place , which is the newest play or lampoon ? which is the topping mistress of the court , or the most fashionable suit of ribbons at the exchange ? well then to satisfy your curiosity , you must know that there has lately happened a very remarkable change or conversion , ( call it which you please ) of a certain person here in town which no body could ever have imagined or expected ; and now i leave it to you , to conjecture what it is . freem . a conversion , and that a very remarkable one too ! why then i fancy . tim. that your friend mr. bay's is returned to his primitive church . tim. nay the lord knows , which is mr. bay's primitive church ; but prithee why dost thou trouble thy head about a poet's religion ? for as we say , a beggar is never out of his way , so a poet is never out of his religion . freem . well then , a discarded jacobite captain turn'd an humble retailer of wicked bottl'd ale and brandy ; the discarded recter of exeter , turn'd a friend of athanasius ; or the never to be forgotten apostate turn'd a defender of passive obedience ? tim. no. freem . a physician turn'd a zealous expounder of the bible ; or a sworn friend to scoth-cloth , reconciled to lawn-sleeves ; or a city usurer turn'd a refunder of his ill-gotten estate ? tim. no. freem . a son of slaughter at white-chappel converted to the observation of fish-days ; or an old inveterate republican turn'd a stiff assertor of monarchy ? tim. no , but you had best consult mr. ferguson to resolve your last question . freem . is dr. oates reformed from his usual way of raskalling people , and return'd to the use of his memory and good manners on the sudden , or has that bloody sweare● refused to take the new oaths ? tim. why don't you know , that in a late auction of paintings there was a picture of the dr's to be seen , where he was represented like a blackamore with a glocestershire parliament man a washing him , in order to make him rectus in curia , by the same token that it was called , the labor in vain ? freem . is the red-fac'd chaplain-maker of whitehal reconcil'd to the choice of honest divines and renounced taking mony for places . or have any of the topping sons of schism by the bribe of a good deanry or bishoprick been converted to the liturgy ? tim. no , no , but hark you friend of mine you had best have a care what you say . sons of schism ? why , i tell you every man amongst them disowns the word , and say , that thanks to the new laws , they are as much an established church , as you know which was . freem . is there then no difference between tolerating and establishing ? after this rate ▪ the bear-garden and play-house may all in good time pretend to be established parliamentary assemblies — but to go on ; is there any of the new interpreters of daniel and the apocalyps converted to sense and reason ? or any of the modern comprehension-men converted to a good opinion of the poor suffering ceremonies of the church ? tim. no , not a single man among 'em as far as i can hear . freem . to conclude then : is the vicar near charing-cross convinced there 's not so much bawdry in the service of matrimony as without it ? is any noted s●●●●ian turn'd a friend to faith ? or any of the good people of doctors-commons to unlicenc●d marriges ? is a 〈…〉 ●arlon turn'd a friend to cleanliness ? any court - 〈…〉 ●●nen , and no back-biting ; any litigious attorney to 〈◊〉 and arbitrations ? any thrice married widow to impotence ? any of the town criticks to modesty ? or lastly , any alderman that was begotten on a bulk , to heraldry and pedigrees ? tim. no , you have not hit the point after all . freem . why then the devil take me , if i am able to guess what is the matter . to pursue this point any further , i find , would be as endless a piece of trouble , as to reckon up all the dull , stupid , senseless passages on the conference at the brasiers shop in long-acre , or in sh-dwel's panegyricks ; or to give you a list of all dr. pain 's pretended reasons for alterations , or all the similies in the plain dealer . therefore let me once for all intreat you dear tim. to put me out of my pain , and let me know what mighty business it is you have to communicate . tim. prepare then with reverence and attention to receive what i am going about to deliver for ; give me leave to tell you sir , now we are nose inter nose the saying is , 't is the most surprizing , unexpected piece of news you ever heard in all your life . freem . lord ! what a deal of insignificant flourish and preparation is here to usher in , it may be , but a foolish story at last ? why , by and by th●● wilt perswade me , that the monument last week took a pair of oars to go and plead the cities cause against the orphans at the kings-bench , or that the two old pastboard giants at guildhal have laid their heads together to confute . baker's chronicle , or wood's oxford antiquities . tim. nay , sir , since i find you begin to be somewhat must and all that , like father teague in the play , when the outside of the door was put upon him , i am resolved to ease you of your trouble immediately . know then for a certain truth , that one of the most celebrated divines we have in town ( i must not give my self the trouble to name him to you ) who has silenced the papists , confounded the independants , lately maul'd the anti-trinitarians , and by his zealous performances for passive obedience , has made little atwood pass for a great author ; has at last upon mature consideration , and after a year and halfs chewing the cud upon the matter — . freem . done what i prithee . tim. why , faced about to the right , and taken the swear . freem . and is all your mighty news , which you prefaced with so much show and ceremonie , come to this sorry issue at last ? parturiunt montes , nascetur ridiculus mus. to be plain with you , i am not at all surprised at what you have told me , i have heard of it before ; but because i hate to be behind hand with you , or any body else , in lieu of your domestick news , i 'll acquaint you with a very remarkable foreign story . tim. with all my heart , begin as soon as you please . freem . a certain dutch grammarian , ( no matter for his name or place of abode ) in his commentaries upon suetonius's lives of the twelve caesars , when he comes to take the emperor domitian to task , who you know took a strange pleasure in dragooning prince belzebub's subjects , meaning the flies , out of their lives and fortunes with his royal needle . tim. very well , i understand you . freem . wonders , in the name of god , how the emperour cou'd ever find in his heart to butcher the poor flies ( in the pedant's dutch latin , called vespas , ) after so barbarou a manner , since his own natural father's name was vespasian . tim. a very pretty edifying story this , as i take it . freem . at last he concludes with this observable sentence , ingens est hoc profecto mysterium , nec facile explicandum . tim. so sir i am your very humble servant ; but you 'll infinitely oblige me however , if you 'll be pleased to think of making an application to your story . freem . why then i must tell thee tim ▪ in plain downright english , that i wonder full as much , as the dutchman did at 〈◊〉 above mentioned passage , that thou should'st ever have the assurance to 〈◊〉 the dr's conversion , as thou callest it , upon 〈◊〉 for such a strange piece of news : for to give you my sen●●●●●● 〈◊〉 for all ●pon this occasion , i rather wonder that it was so late before he reconciled himself to the government , than that he was prevailed with to do it at all . tim. nay , now i perceive you are in the humour of maintaining paradoxes ; for though you seem to make so slight of this news , yet give me leave to tell you , it has been matter of astonishment almost to every body here about the town . but may a man be so happy as to hear you produce any reasons for what you have said ? freem . ay , with all my heart . you must know then that several worthy persons whom i could name to you , if there were any necessity for it , came immediatly after the revolution , to advise with the doctor in that exigence of affairs . some of 'em he disswaded from taking the oaths , and without question furnished 'em with his own reasons for his dissenting from the government in that particular , and i don't hear that he ever sent for 'em to come in with him ; but when others came to consult him about the very same business , he was pleased to say , that he would prescribe to no bodies conscience but his own ; and so dismist them with bidding them use ▪ their own discretion in the matter . tim. well , and what of all this ? freem . why , say i , any man who could deliver himself so ambiguously upon a question that so nearly concerned the security of the government , and the wellfare as well as the honour of the established church , either looked upon it not to be a thing of that importance , as it really is , or else had not fully determined his sentiments either to the lawfulness or unlawfulness of it . i am of opinion , that nothing but the fear of incurring the guilt of perjury , could excuse any man from giving the government so reasonable a satisfaction , as the taking the oaths amounted to . now that the doctor was , not fully perswaded in his conscience that there was any perjury in such a compliance , is very apparent as i think , from his advising the gentlemen to make use of their own discretion ; which he would never have done , if he had really believed that so black and scandalous and cowardly a sin , would be the necessary consequence of it . tim. well then , granting all you have said to be true , what advantage do you intend to make of it ? freem . that the doctor considered the taking of the oaths to be only an indifferent thing , and no more , which a man might either do or not do , at his own pleasure ; for otherwise it had been his duty to disswade all persons who came to be advised by him , from swearing . now tim , pray tell me what miracle is it for a man to part with his opinion about an indifferent thing , when there 's nothing but scandal and poverty to be had in maintaining it still , and so much interest and advantage to ballance him to the contrary side ? tim. to say the truth , there 's no extraordinary miracle in such a case . but then i would have you consider , dear friend of mine , that the doctor 's circumstances were perhaps clearly different from the gentlemen's that came to consult him ; and consequently what might be either lawful or expedient for them to do , might not be so lawful , at least so reputable for himself . freem . let me desire thee honest tim to explain thy self a little farther about this same business . tim. you know to what heights , or rather extremities the doctor has all along carried the doctrine of passive obedience ; you know how stiffly and zealously he has asserted the ius divinum of monarchy ; and with what assiduity and pains he has combated the other party ; who fell upon different schemes and notions of government . and therefore imagining that several passages in the late revolution could not be well reconciled to what he had formerly preached , what wonder is it , if he could not at that time prevail with himself , to give his assent ? freem . nay , if that reason is worth a farthing , it holds as well now as it did the last year . tim. prithee let me alone for a while , and afterwards say what you please — but then this cafe , as i told you before , seems only particular to the dr. for the other gentlemen perhaps never preached or printed those doctrins , which the dr. has , or perhaps never believed a syllable of 'em , as is evident some of their brethren never did , who in several treatises and sermons that have been published since the abdication , pretend to assert abundance of things , that were not so very current doctrin in the two late reigns . and so the dr. might excusably enough leave 'em to use their own discretion in the matter , since if they complied with the government it wou'd contradict nothing which they formerly preached or believed . what may be the reason do you think why the fanaticks are so loyally affected to their present majesties ; and were so easily brought over to renounce the last ? all the world knows what a great deal of dutiful care they took to lull asleep the late king with their addressing opiates , and sacrificing their lives and fortunes to him , whenever he should have an occasion to make use of them . and yet among so numerous a herd , unless a very few , and those incognito , none have scrupled to take the oaths , altho you know they are a people that understand how to make the best of a scruple of any men breathing . their democratick principles are still the same , and their sincerity to this government has no better a foundation than what they pretended for the last . therefore in short the business is this , besides the interest they perceived in crying up their loyalty now , our last turn of affairs could not but be very acceptable to those persons , who all along placed the sovereign power in the multitude ; and made their princes upon every transgression and male-administration in the state accountable to the people . freeman . as for what concerns the fanaticks i readily own . but then the other part of your discourse , tim. is not so well grounded as it ought to be . you say the dr. might refuse to take the oaths , because in doing so , he must run counter to several principles , which he had formerly justified and asserted ▪ now if this be true , he 's as much oblig'd at this present moment to dissent from the government , as at first . you say likewise that the case of those gentlemen , who consulted him about taking the oaths , is very different from his ; but this i take neither to be satisfactory nor solid . the question is , whether what the dr. has formerly preached or written , is the true doctrin of the church of england or no ? if it is not , i am of opinion he 's bound to make a solemn retractation of it ; and if it is , it obliged his brethren , who came to advise him , equally with himself , altho they never preacht it , or publickly justified it in print . for instance , here are two clergy-men , one of 'em preaches against oppression and covetousness once a month at least , and perhaps has appear'd in a term-catalogue upon that subject ; the other , we 'll say , never medled with the point in all his life : and yet you 'll never conclude i suppose , that the latter has more pretence and plea to cheat the poor , and trouble his parish for a single tithe-pig than the former . after all , tim. you seem to make the dr's dissent rather to proceed from a nicety of honour than a principle of conscience ; for which piece of service , i believe , he 'll never return you his thanks : now i wonder in my heart , that you should lay so great a stress upon that point , or admire to see one single man be prevailed with at last to make a sacrifice of his honour , ( if even so much as his honour be concerned ) when you see so many thousand people in the world , that make no scruple at all of sacrificing their conscience . tim. but prithee wou'd not you have a man be careful to preserve his character and reputation in the world , and study to give as little scandal as may be ? freem . ay without question , tho as the world goes , i don't think a man ' honour and reputation are worth the while to be maintained at the expence of starving for 'em , and some people i cou'd name to you , wou'd scarce put that dangerous compliment upon their religion , as to suffer any severe extremities for its sake . besides , now you talk of scandal , i question whether the dr. has not given a great deal more scandal by his late compliance with the oaths , then then his former dissenting from ' em . before he was generally considered as a person of conscience and honour , and now perhaps abundance of ill-natur'd people will allow him a share of neither . and what may serve to confirm 'em in such an opinion , is that the dr's conscience , which has for this long while lived among the laywers , has not been so uniform ( if i may use the expression ) as you imagine it first sight to be , or i cou'd have wished it had been . tim. i wou'd desire to know how you make that out , noble sir ? freem . i call that an uniform conscience , tim , which proceeds regularly in all its actions , and never does any thing in contradiction to its own principles . now let us see whether the dr's conduct since our new establishment of affairs can endure the left of this definition . most men will agree that the reason why the dr. refused the oaths , must be , because he apprehended it was sinful to take them ; so then if the dr. at the same time when he judged the taking the oaths to be sinful , nevertheless submitted to do another thing , which was tantamount to taking 'em , how can you or any man else excuse him from acting quite contrary to his own principle ? tim. this is very true , i own , but however it is not enough to say so , unless you can prove it . freem . i was in good hopes you would never give me the trouble to prove so plain a point . did you never hear then , that when some of the doctor 's councel had found out a loop-hole for him in the act of parliament to enable him to preach at his lecture in st. dunstans ' , how he prayed very heartily for both their majesties by name , when at the same time he cou'd not prevail with his conscience to swear to ' em . tim. why prithee man , every body in the town knows that . the truth on 't is , people discoursed very differently upon that occasion ; but all his friends , who at that time seemed to justify his proceedings , were agreed that it was a different thing to pray for a person , and swear allegiance to a person ; for you know the apostle commands us , to pray for all men , but he no where commands us to swear to all men. freem . this is a very miserable pitiful shift , as i take it , when it comes to be narrowly examined ; for prithee tell me , honest tim , what is it to swear allegiance to any prince ? tim. to acknowledge in the presence of god almighty , that the prince to whom i swear , has a lawful title to the throne he possesses ; and consequently to my fidelity and service , as far as the respective constitution of the government , where i live commands it . freem . well then , and is not praying for a prince , and recommending him in all his acknowledged titles to the protection of god almighty , the very same thing in effect with swearing to him ? i am sure it is , if your heart goes along with your words ; and a church , as far as i understood the matter , is none of the fittest places in the world for a man to prevaricate in . besides tim , there 's this remarkable difference between swearing to a prince , and praying for him , that you may perhaps have occasion to swear to him but once in your life , and that before very few witnesses ; whereas you are obliged to do the other once a week at least , in the face of a very numerous and solemn assembly . tim. but how do you know , dear friend , but this very same case which looks so intricate and perplexed at first sight , may be made to appear plausible enough with the help of two or three of the doctors distinctions ? freem . nay let ▪ me conjecture you , tim , to overwhelm me with no distinctions as you love me ; for the case is so very plain and obvious , that it will not admit of any . i am certain that , where there are two controverted titles , if my conscience would not give me leave to swear to a prince , my conscience would never permit me to pray for him publickly ; and i am as sure , that if i could prevail with my conscience to pray for him under the title he assumes , and which this person once controverted , ) i should never make any scruple of swearing to him . the apostle you tell me , commands us to pray for all men. so we do , and for my own part i can pray very heartily for the grand seignior , the cham of tartary , or the great mogul without any remorse ; but at the same time i can never pray for any of the aforesaid monarchs as king of england , and so forth ; or if i could , why then as i told you before tim , i should make no question of testifying my acknowledgment of them by an oath . tim. that may be your conscience perhaps , but it were as ●●reasonable to think that all people are acted by the same conscience , as to imagine that all people pursue the same end , or think the same things , or are influenced by the same motives . you see several hundreds of men flock every sunday to church , yet one man goes there to pick a pocket , a second to make an assignation with a girl , a third to take a comfortable nap , and a fourth perhaps to hear dr. sh●● contradict himself . thus every man has his particular aim or design , and so it is in the business of conscience ; a thousand men may do the same thing , and pretend their conscience is interested in the doing of it , and yet every particular man's conscience may proceed upon a different motive or salvo . as for an instance , let us examine the case of swearing to this present government . the dissenters , of all sects and denominations , do it to be revenged on the monarchy , and passive obedience ; for , tho' the protestant religion is the word with them now , it is not to be imagined , that those people , who shew'd so small a concern for it in the late reign , should heartily entertain any affectionate regard for its welfare in this . it wou'd be too tedious a business to examine the grounds upon which all the rest have gone ; yet you may be pleased to observe , that as all of them have embarqued their conscience , more or less , in this affair , so generally speaking , every man's conscience goes a different way to work ; for conscience is a very intricate thing , and oftentimes is influenc'd by very unaccountable considerations . freeman , that observation of yours is very true , and i could cite several famous modern examples , to prove the truth of it , but shall at present only content my self with one of ancient standing . is it not a strange thing , that pythagoras , who had the reputation of a wise and learned philosopher , should ever make it a matter of conscience to refuse the eating of beans ; or that any of his disciples should arrive to that prodigious degree of stupidity , as to be confessors for that sottish , unthinking , bean-renouncing doctrine ? and yet we have one of their names upon record , who chose to undergo the punishment of the rack , rather than gratifie the curiosity of a certain tyrant so far , as to acquaint him with the true reason why pythagoras forbad so innocent a food , and at last very heroically bit off his tongue , lest the extremity of his torment should oblige him to part with so profound a secret . here was an odd whimsical sort of a conscience , with a witniss ; and i believe you 'll find it a hard task to meet with a conscience in any of the conventicles about the town , that would suffer so much for its lawful prince , as this poor fellow suffer'd for a bean , and is very like the conscience of a certain person , who never saw his cathedral , and yet took that care of his diocess , as to prohibit 'em the eating of black puddings , because it seem'd to contradict st. paul's admonition about blood. but all this while , honest tim , as i take it , we have discoursed besides our matter , therefore to return to our first subject again , prithee tell me how the dr's conversion relishes with you here in the city . tim. why you know there are store of malicious people in all communities in the world , and these are hardly to be pleased . indeed , as for the generality of the established church , they are well enough satisfied with his new acquaintance with the oaths , & don 't at all question , but that as he had leisure and retirement enough to study the point , so he has at last complied upon very solid substantial grounds . freeman . well , but the dissenters , i hope , are very well satisfied with his coming over to us . they seem , you know , upon all occasions to be very zealous and affectionate to their present majesties , by the same token , that by their good will they could be content to have all the gentlemen in the kingdom hanged out of the way , or de-witted , who refuse to acknowledge them by taking the oaths . therefore , i should think , it must needs rejoice the hearts of all these worthy patriots , to see a person of the doctor 's learning and character , lay aside his former prejudices to our settlement , and voluntarily own it . tim. no , no , you are quite mistaken ; the dissenters are masters of too good memories , to be ever guilty of any charity towards a man , who had the boldness to touch the copyhold of the schism . they rail at him ten times more furiously than ever they did , and challenge him , if he dares , to reconcile his present compliance with his old musty notions of passive obedience ; and then they say , they 'l get enroclydon baxter , or one of the poultry divines , to reconcile transubstantiation to his preservative against popery . freeman . but are they all so inveterate ? what , not one single man amongst the whole herd , that congratulates the government for the great happiness of his reduction ? tim. the only man i hear of , who has been pleased to testifie his joy for this occasion , is that learned son of socinus , mr. thomas f — rm — n by name : he pretends , that the doctor has effectually answered all his other treatises , by taking the oaths , excepting his late book against the anti-trinitarians , and he comforts himself , that the doctor will all in due time ruin the reputation of that piece ; for , says he , the dr. has got such a pretty way of answering his own books , that 't is a thousand pitties any one else should take the trouble out of his hands . nay , i am inform'd ( continues he ) that when he took the oaths , he desired to be sworn upon the naked gospel . freeman . 't is strange me thinks that the dissenters should be angry with the dr. for what he has done : if their zeal for the government is real and sincere , which 't is a sin for us in the country to question , i wonder why they should quarrel with him upon this score , since the influence of his example , for all they know , may be serviceable to reduce the rest of his brethren , who at present dissent from us . tim. that does not signifie a farthing ; for , besides their particular pique against the dr. as he is a member of the established church , they would have neither him , nor any one else who is not of their party , be thought loyal : for all their former bellowings and cries against the illegality of monopolies , yet at present they would willingly engross all the little honesty and loyalty that is left in the nation , into their own hands ; though , by the by , their loyalty is compounded of such cross , surly , ill-natur'd ingredients , and is such an odd awkward sort of loyalty , that for all i can see to the contrary , no prince in christendome is likely to be the better for it . freem . a dissenter's loyalty is like the officiousness of a rock at play , who only lends you mony in order to your ruin . i pray heaven it proves of long continuance , but for my own part , i am afraid it will last no longer , than they find their religion ( i mean their interest ) concerned in it . tim. more than all this , they 'l tell you , that we owe the sunshine of the gospel , and all the other blessings of the late revolution , intirely to their discretion and state-principles ; and , that if these impracticable doctrines of the church of england , concerning the civil magistrate , had taken place , we had by this time been utterly overwhelmed with popery and slavery . freem . why this is ten times over a more fulsome plea than their pretensions to loyalty . they preserve the protestant religion ? where , or how ? or in what reign , that we may see it registred in our almanacks ? i am sure they have contributed in all their pious endeavours to make the reformation as scandalous and despicable , as any of the fathers of the society could have done . they preserved it after a fine rate , by their universal silence in the late reign , and their little , low , abject applications to popery ; and now , when the enemy is beaten out of the field , they make a great pother with a few gleanings out of our own authors , and pretend the victory is owing to their assistance and conduct . tim. nay , the dissenters have not been wanting , even in this reign , to do the protestant religion all the good service they can . one of the tribe , in his modest enquiry , as he called it , very modestly advised the rabble to knock all the clergymen in the head. and another nameless rascal , in his reflections upon the miscarriages of our navy , that are printed by one of those godly wholesale dealers in scandal , those scruple-selling vermin of the poultry , has this remarkable passage , viz. that there 's more virtue and honour to be found among the rabble than the gentry : rabble is likewise the word with their dear brethren in scotland , and you may guess what a brave religion we shall have of it at last , if we follow these blessed methods , and suffer it to be modell'd and fitted to the inclinations of our judicious rabble . freem . why prithee tim , you need not give your self the trouble , at this time of day , to acquaint me with any of the laudable qualities of the dissenters , and especially of their levites , as for instance , either with their wit , which never appears but in their similes , and in interpreting the prophets ; or with their charity , which is never extended beyond their own party ; or with their modesty , which is never visible , but when they wink in the pulpit ; or with their sincerity , which never appears , but when they own themselves in their prayers to be a pack of the damnedst rogues in the world ; or with their learning , which never goes beyond a dutch system , and a little herauldry ; or with their sobriety , which is never admitted to keep them company at their pious friday entertainments ; or with their loyalty , which was ▪ ever shown but by their promising to lend this king more mony than they could raise , and abusing the two last reigns ; or lastly , with their zeal against popery , which is never to be proved , but by their continual endeavours to undermine the established church . — but let me conjure you , dear tim , to drop this nauseous fulsom subject , for , as i hope for mercy , i am as weary of it , as a presbyterian splitter of cases is weary of a poor brother ; that constantly comes every sunday with his dozen troublesome scruples , to be resolv'd , sub forma pauperis . tim. thus you see , sir , with what contempt and aversion the dissenters in town entertain the story of the dr's conversion ; now give me leave to add a word or two more concerning them , and then i 'll have done . you very well observe , that they pretend to have abundance of zeal for their present majesties , so they do , & if you 'l take their own words for it , they 'l tell you , that no body keeps the fasts , and thanksgiving days with that devotion as themselves have done . but for all this , dear friend of mine , they are angry to see the number of the kings subjects increased , & if they see a church-of - england-man come over to the government , they immediately call him all the rogues and rascals in the world : the reason is plain , they 'd willingly have his majesty served by none but themselves , and then they don't question , to reduce the french king , and demolish popery in due time . besides , if all the church-of - england-men had taken the oaths , they had lost their dearly beloved topick of railing at them , and i dare swear ( so well am i acquainted with a dissenter's tenderness ) they 'd rather sacrifice all the princes in the universe , than lose the precious opportunity of libelling and railing . you are infinitely mistaken , if you imagin , that the bishops would find better quarter from the fanaticks , if they should ever take the oaths ; no , no , they pray , with all their hearts , that they may refuse the doing of it still , for then they are in hopes to see their order abolish'd , and their revenues divided amongst the saints , i. e. their old oliverian leases come in play again : of all which expectations they would be miserably disappointed , if those immortal patriots could prevail with themselves to comply . freem . i don't pitty the dr. however , for being used after this unmerciful rate , by those sons of schism ; for , if it were my own case , i should rather chuse to put that sanctified generation to the expence of a little scandal , for my sake , than a little flattery ; and rather accept of their reproaches , which are excellent in their kind , than of their i●s●●ce , which is the nastiest coursest stuff in the world. 't is well enough with him , so long as his own brethren are satisfied , as you have before informed me , with the honesty of his proceedings ; or ▪ if they were not at first , i don't question , but the reasons he has published for his own defence , carry so much strength and solidity wi●h ' ●m , as to satisfie all the reasonable part of mankind as to that particular . tim. why there you are mistaken , dear friend of mine ; for tho' the dr ▪ has con●escended to acquaint the world in publick with the reasons of his conversion , yet he has not been so happy as to satisfie all people . freem . who could ever expect that ? 't is an impossible thing you know to do it ; but however i am glad the dr. has published his reasons , for otherwise i should have bin a little angry with him . for , could he dissent from the government above a year and half , and by his example hinder so many country parsons from taking the oaths , and keeping their livings , and yet refuse the world so slender a satisfaction , as to let 'em see the motives of his change ? i ever thought , that so inconsiderable a piece of trouble was due to his own reputation and credit , as well as the farther instruction of his younger brethren of the clergy , who i am afraid little consider'd the merits of the cause , but rather what a brave thing it was to be thought of the dr's company , and embarqued in the dr's quarrel , and now have nothing else left 'em to do , but to starve with as much decency as they can , and to curse the expensiveness of their vanity and loyalty . tim. all this you and i cannot possibly help , and therefore 't is a great piece of nonsence for us to talk of it any longer , only thus much i must add , that in my opinion too , the dr. lay under all the obligations in the world , to make the true occasions of his late reconcilement publick . 't is a debt which was due to the interest he now espouses , no less then the party he has forsaken , some of which , as you say , the temptation of being thought of his acquaintance or judgment , has reduced to their present mortifying necessities . and therefore this being so necessary a debt , as well in regard to himself , as the rest of the world , i always persuade my self , that the dr. would take care to acquit it as soon as ever he has got his reasons ready . freem . got his reasons ready do you say ? that 's a iest with all my heart , as if a man of the drs learning and experience in the world , after so long a time too , to examine all the niceties of the case , could suffer himself to be ingaged in an affair , to which he formerly expressed so incurable an aversion , without having his reasons ready by him . nothing but either pride ( which i would be loath to suspect in a person of his mortified character ) or the weakness of his cause could engage him to act only on the defensive part . 't is a hundred to one , but a man's adversary may say somthing or other , which will lye a little obnoxious to censure and exception ; so 't is but falling without any more ado , upon the authors blind side , and the business is soon over . there are a thousand ways for a man of any tolerable discretion to put by his enemy's thrust when he is attacqued ; nay , 't is possible too he may come off with the better on 't , especially if the man he has to dealt with , plays open , and lies unguarded in any part . and therefore if this had been the dr's policy , i should have thought the worse of his skill in polemies , as long as i lived . i remember i was once in a coffee-house in the country , where we happened to be talking of the dr's coming over to the government ; and a gentleman in the room was pleased to say , he was of opinion , that the doctor had got his reasons ready , much after the same rate as a country innkeeper , whom he knew , got a poor fellow's porcupine ready . tim. prithee what story is that , for , to the best of my knowledg , i never heard of it before ? freem . nay , the story is entertaining enough , that i can assure you , and perhaps will deserve your attention . you must understand then , that a certain fellow , here about the town , who gets a sorry livelihood by carrying some outlandish beasts about the country with him , and shewing 'em for pence a piece to the people , had by chance brought a porcupine , the only support he had left him in the world , to an inn where this gentleman was acquainted ; the next morning he calls the innkeeper to him , and thus accosts him : ' landlord , says he , i must beg one favour of you , and that ' is ▪ to get my porcupine and room ready by eleven of the ' clock precisely , and in the mean time i 'll step into the town , to see what company i can pick up . tim. very well , sir , pray proceed . freem . away goes the fellow into the town , and for a while stares about him , to observe all the curiosities of the place ; towards ten , he makes a solemn proclamation of his porcupine , and so musters up as much company as he thought would defray the expences of the show for that time , and carries 'em to his inn. tim. well , i mightily long to hear the issue of your foreupine . freem . when the fellow was got into his room at the inn , he knocks for the landlord , and asks him whether he had got his porcupine ready ? ay sir , that i have replies the landlord , i hate to be worse than my word to any man , but i must desire you , sir ; that you 'll be pleased to tell me what sawce you 'l have for him . tim. why , what a devil did he mean by that question ? freem . you shall hear . crys the master of the porcupine , you rascal , what do you intend by asking me what sawce i 'de have for him ? nay , no harm in the world , says the man of the house ; you ordered me to get the porcupine ready for you by eleven , and so i have , for i gave directions to the maid to put him in the pot immediately ; but sir , says he , i never boil'd a porcupine in my life before , and therefore must once more request you to let me know what sawce your worship will order for him . tim. the poor fellow without question looked very simply upon the matter , to hear his livelihood was boil'd away so unluckily in one morning . and now to come close to you , noble friend of mine , was it the opinion of your gentleman then , that the dr's reasons were boil'd away like the strowler's porcupine , so that there was no procuring a sight of any of them ? you see how much he was mistaken in his judgment . the dr. ( as i have told you ) has been pleased to oblige the world with his reasons ; you may have them at any bookseller's shop in town , but i cannot forbear to tell you , that there was never any book since the days of the hind and panther , or the letter to a dissenter , that has been so universally pelted as this ; lawyers and divin●s , iacobites and williamites , though they agreed in nothing else , yet they have all of 'em agreed to mawl this unfortunate book . nay some of our city prentices and puny scriblers have had the hardiness to tilt against it , only to make experiment of their talents , as school-boys use to try their knives , by running them up to the hilts in a hot bag-pudding . freem . say you so tim ? 't is , i confess , somewhat odd , but who can help it . come then , since the dr. has had such ill luck with his reasons , & you and i have no other business now upon our hands , prithee let us invent some plausible specious reasons for his conversion , they 'l help to pass away t'other bottle , and t'other hour , well enough , and perhaps they 'l serve to amuse the world , and entertain the reader , as well as some of his own . tim. no sir , i desire you to excuse your humble servant as to this affair ; i 'll never invent any reasons for another man , not i , i promise you , he may even do it himself if he pleases ; 't is a very ungrateful performance let me tell you , and generally the person whom you intend to oblige by this kind of office , will hold himself as little beholden to you , as a man in the state of cuckoldom , for giving him four and fifty reasons to support himself under his afflictions : but what will serve the turn full as well , to put off half an hour or so of conversation , i will acquaint you with the several reasons , that people here in town , of all sorts and parties , have already assigned for his conversion . at the same time i must tell you , that as i don't believe them altogether my self , so i would never oblige you or any man besides to place any great assurance in the truth of them . freem . come then honest tim , and begin as soon as you will , for i can assure you , 't will be no small diversion to your friend here , who is just come out of the country . tim. nay , sir , not altogether so fast , i beseech you . i design my self a little more sport and pastime than you imagin , and since you have so admirable a talent at conjecturing , &c. i am resolved to keep your hand in play , and put you to the trouble of guessing what they are . freem . well then , since you 'l have it so , i 'll dispatch them out of hand ; but however , before i make any trial of my noble faculty , i must desire you to remember , how that at the beginning of our conference , when you told me of the dr's conversion , i looked upon it as no miracle , and that for these two following weighty reasons . in the first place , because when some gentlemen came to advise with him about that matter , he civilly referred them to their own discretion , which i supposed he would never have done , if he had been fully satisfied , that the taking the oaths was a sin , or had looked upon it to be any thing more than an indifferent action . in the next place , because the dr. had long ago prayed for their present majesties ; which is virtually , and in effect , the same thing with swearing to them ; and if it is a sin to swear to a prince , where the title is controverted , and under dispute , i am sure it must be the very same thing to pray for him . now then tim , since i was so bold as to make the dr ▪ s conversion no miracle at all , you are not to expect that i should assign any miraculous reasons for it but onely such as are frequent and common in the world ; so i will begin with that which ever since the creation of the world has had a mighty influence upon men of all countries , and degrees , and religions . the greater part of mankind , and especially our dissenters at home , love to christen it by the name of conscience , but for my part , the best english word i think we have for it , is interest . what think you of this now ? tim. to say the truth , there are abundance of ill-affected men about the town , that have trumped that unlucky card upon the dr. but for my part , i don't believe it had any great share in his reconciliation to the government . therefore you had best guess again . freem . nay , but prithee consider , dear tim , what a lovely charming thing this same interest is , before we shut our hands of it : it has all the ear-marks of love , and love , you know , works little less than miracles . it conquers the young , and the old are not able to withstand its almightyship : it makes those that can see , as blind as so many beetles , and as for those that are blind , why 't is the best oculist in the world , and recovers their eyesight to all intents and purposes . tim. no , no , all this shall not pass upon me i 'll assure you . freem . have a care tim , i advise you , what you say against five hundred pounds per annum , name it you rogue with fear and reverence , and fall down upon your knees when you hear it mention'd in company ; five hundred pounds a year is not to be spoken scandalously of , honest tim , it will buy a coach and a pair of sunday-horses ; it will purchase petticoats and commodes , the polyglot and councils , and half the non-resistance in christendom , with abundance of other fine things , too tedious to be reckoned up . tim. thou keepest as great a pother here with thy interest , as a scribling courtier with his last lampoon , or a school-philosopher with his newest set of distinctions , or what is equally as impertinent as a country fidler with his newest set of tunes . but i can tell you for your comfort , that if you do not guess better at your second essay , than you have done at your first , you are not in any great probability of finding out the secret. freem . to proceed then , is the dr. brought to a better opinion of the abdication , or does he go altogether upon the merits of forefaulture ? tim. no , i suppose he does not , for if he does , the lord have mercy , say i , upon all his poor passive obedience . freem . why other people , tim , have store of passive obedience about them , as well as the dr. and yet they dont apprehend that it is a farthing the worse , or that they have broke it at all . suppose tim you should find occasion , for reasons best known to your self , to remove a bag of your money from one goldsmith to another of better reputation , would you not break that fellows head , who should have the impudence to tell you , you had broke your sum ? even so in the business of passive obedience , the dr. and some of his brethren , have only transferr'd it from k. james's hands , who , you know , is broke and ruin'd , and a statute of bankrupt has passed against in parliament , to k. william , who can give them better security for it : and passive obedience , i can tell you , will be as acceptable to any prince in europe , at a good sum of money to a banker . tim. well , but this is not the point still , so try again . freem . is the dr. then reconciled to us by that verse in the psalms ; the earth is the lord's , and the fulness thereof . tim. why no is the word still ; for i suppose , that that text proves more than the question , and besides would serve a iohn of leyden's turn as well as any ones else . freem . but where there 's a plain conquest and an honest cause , as well as a legal title to support the conquest , that i believe cannot fail to make a convert . come tell me now , have i hitupon the true reason or no ? tim. for your satisfaction , sir , you are come pretty nigh the point , or else some of the dr's friends have misinformed me as to this particular ; though to say the truth , this reason was every ▪ whit as good all the last year , as it is at this present moment , and i don't see that the reduction of ireland has made it the better . freem . now we talk of ireland , what say you , if the dr. was resolved to hold out till the taking of dublin , and to surrender himself immediately when the place was surrendred . tim. all as i can say to the question , is , that the dr. then may be retaken from us again ; for alas , sir , all the world can tell you ▪ that dublin is a place of no considerable strength , and cannot hold out long against any enemy , especially if he have a female friend in the garrison . — but , sir , you have not as yet had the good fortune to light upon the most material motive , that makes the greatest bustle about the town , therefore once more make use of your divining faculty . freem . no , i heartily thank thee , dear tim , i shall pump my imagination no more for the matter ; i think i have drudged long enough in all conscience to find it out and to employ my brains backward and forward any longer upon this occasion , would be as wise a piece of trouble , as to lye waking all the night in ones bed , only to hear how the city-weatherglasses , the watchmen , vary every hour , in their bellowing out of rain , frost , and moon-shine . why , prithee tim , what dost thou take me for , a prophet , or a conjurer ? tim. for neither i swear ; but tell me seriously , dost thou not know what thing it is that baffles heroes , spoils divines , turns the greatest princes into milksops , makes admirals lower their bloody flags , and in fine , breaks all obligations , and governs all mankind ? freem . why interest i told you . tim. and what does interest , meer interest only do all this ? freem . why then 't is conscience , i say . tim. conscience do you say ? why just now conscience , you told me , was but another english word for interest . and does nothing but bare conscience ( which adoniram byfield of blessed memory , defined to be a cat-skin pouch to put mony in ) or bare interest do all these fine things , which i just now mentioned to you . freem . why then 't is a coach and six horses i tell you , and nothing in the world else that i can fancy ; for , you know , a coach and six , was bishop parker's best body of divinity . tim. worse and worse faith . and does a coach and six horses baffle heroes , spoil divines , and make milksops of princes ? come , consider i say once more upon the point , for 't is impossible to miss it . freem . no tim , pray excuse me ; you see i have no tolerarable luck at guessing to day ; and besides , to tell you the truth , i hate this slavish pi●ce of drudgery , as heartily as sir will. tem — in his last essays tells us , he hates good ▪ honest drollery , as a bookseller hates an un-selling author , or a jacobite printer does a surly messenger of the press . tim. say you so sir ? nay , then i am resolved to lay it out so open to you , that you must of necessity perceive it . dost not thou understand the meaning of the ital●an proverb , piu tira un pelo di donna , che cento carra ●i bo●i . freem . not i tim , i no more understand the difference between italian and arabick , than that learned protestant critick mr. rymer knows the difference between the name of callimachus and epimenides . tim. come then , wert thou ever married , my honest friend ? ha! what sayest thou ; freem . no sir , i bless providence for it . tim. not married say you ? poor rogue , thou art unacquainted i perceive with the damn'd persecution of a curtain-lecture . oh! dull , dull still ; i can't imagin how to cure this stupidity of thine , thou art ten times duller than one of sh — dwell's men of sence , or a simile without a sting , or an expounder of the revelations , at the finding out stoln silver-spoons , or an old dozed fellow of a house at the ingenious sport of questions and commands . freem . why , i cannot help all this , tim ; if my stars made me so , it was their fault , not mine . tim. once more then i 'll endeavour to relieve the weakness of thy apprehension , therefore listen to the following rhimes about adam and eve. when eve the fruit had tasted , she to her husband basted , and chuck'd him on the chin-a ; dear bud ( quoth she ) come taste this fruit , 't will finely with your pallate suit , to eat it is no sin-a . dost thou now comprehend my meaning ? freem . no , ' saith tim , i am in the dark still ; you have made me no wiser with your dull story of adam and eve , than you would make a cheapside tradesman , by telling him , that an obstacle is an impediment ; or a walking oxford-dun , that motion is an action from the terminus a quo of his habitation , to the terminus ad quem of the refectory . tim. nay then , i am sensible thou art full as slow of apprehension as the famous ierry blackacre in the play. i have but one trick left to bring you to 't at last , and if that fail , i must even serve thee as a stale city-wife serves her dull rustick prentice , when she has a mind to make him understand her virtuous inclinations ; that is , i must needs name the thing to thee in plain downright broad english. but listen prithee : as moody job , in shirtless case , with collyflowers all o're his face , did on the dunghill languish , his spouse thus whispers in his ear ; swear husband , as you love me , swear ; 't will case you of your anguish . freem . oh ho ! now i begin to smell a rat ; your meaning is , that the dr. has been brought to swear at last through the vertue of a few conjugal sollicitations ; is it not so , tim ? tim. of a few conjugal sollicitations do you say ? no , i am afraid there were abundance of them used in the present case . — well , dear friend of mine , not to be tedious with you , i must tell you , that you have made a shift at last to hit my meaning . however , i would not have you report this matter as from me , though i can safely wash my hands from the guilt of inventing it , and all the town will do me the justice , to own , that 't is a common story , and no more a secret than the mole on the rector of exeter's foot. besides , you are desired not to lay too great a stress upon the truth of it , but to follow that advice , which the dr. you know gave upon another account , and so to make use of your own discretion . farewel . finis . the reasons of mr. joseph hains the player's conversion & re-conversion being the third and last part to the dialogue of mr. bays. brown, thomas, - . approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : - (eebo-tcp phase ). a wing b estc r ocm this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) the reasons of mr. joseph hains the player's conversion & re-conversion being the third and last part to the dialogue of mr. bays. brown, thomas, - . [ ], p. printed for richard baldwin ..., london : . attributed to thomas brown. cf. halkett & laing ( nd ed.). part was published in london in under title: "the reasons of mr. bays changing his religion, considered in a dialogue between crites, eugenius, and mr. bays." part was published in with title: "the late converts exposed, or, the reasons of mr. bays changing his religion." first ed. cf. dnb. reproduction of original in union theological seminary library, new york. created by converting tcp files to tei p using tcp tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between and available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the , texts created during phase of the project have been released into the public domain as of january . anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. % (or pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf- unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p , characters represented either as utf- unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng dryden, john, - . - tcp assigned for keying and markup - spi global keyed and coded from proquest page images - olivia bottum sampled and proofread - olivia bottum text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion the reasons of mr. joseph hains the player's conversion & re-conversion . being the third and last part to the dialogue of mr. bays . ecce iterum crispinus , & est mihi saepè vocandus ad partes . juv. sat. . non compositus meliùs cum bitho bacchius . hor. serm. london , printed for richard baldwin , near the black-bull in the old-baily . . preface to mr. bays . i lately published the reasons of your conversion , and , as in good manners bound , gave you the honour of the dedication . all the town was very well satisfied with the justice i allowed you in that dialogue , unless some few malitious critics , who ; as i have been informed , complained of partiality in the case , and quarrel'd with me for assigning a dozen reasons for your change , when one , or two at the most would have served the turn . what ever these envious persons said , does not signifie much ; for the better sort thought otherwise , and were pleased to own , that the conference was managed with all the fairness imaginable on your side . this brought your brother-convert mr. hains to me , who requested to have the same kind office done for himself , to which i readily consented : now his motives bear so great a resemblance to yours , that i presently resolved to join them both together ; for the very same considerations , as i have been prevailed with , to bind the white-chappel answer to the vox cleri , and some other scriblers of the same comprehending character , along with the pious mr. baxters plea for non-conformity . to be plain with you , mr. bays , for the trouble of these two dedications , i expect no guineas from you , no more , than i could expect a contribution from the clergy for dedicating a treatise against tithes to 'em , or from the lawyers for presenting , them with a new edition of the ignoramus . i am acquainted with your present circumstances , and therefore don't desire to put you to any charges ; only i must beg some of the following favours at your hands ; to be cursed duly twice a day over a dish of tea , nay if you think it not too great a trouble to you , as often as you pull out your snuff-box : to be lashed severely in the next preface , or damn'd in the next prologue , or coupled with the catachrestical mr. cleveland in your next essay upon dramatic poetry ; to be invoked spring and fall with all the devout ejaculations in boileau , and oldham , to be remembred every week in your litany , and if you please to give me some unlucky nick-name out of the bible ; so much the better , for that will be sure to stick by me for ever . any thing of this nature will oblige me everlastingly to you , but to think to sham me off with a bare dry pitiful beating , 't is below my merits , and i 'll never accept on 't . i hear you threatned to send one of your sons to give me a little bodily chastisement , if it were not below ' em . truly , sir , i am heartily sorry for their sakes , that i am no livery-man as yet , or one of the city common-council ; next spring it may be you 'll find me advanced to that honourable preferment , for i have above forty of the best hands in the parish in order to it already . but why , mr. bays , do you talk only of one son , send them both a gods name , and rather than fail , appear at the head of them your self . but if you design to ruine me to all intents and purposes , e'en raise the posse comitatus upon me , for then the business will be done effectually . and here , honest mr. bays , i take my final leave of you , unless you give me some fresh provocation , that is , unless you follow mr. hains's steps , and suffer your self to be reconverted to the panther's church ; for then i shall most assuredly publish the reasons of your return , and according to my usual civility , if i find your own reasons weak and feeble , design to invent or imagine some new ones for you . nay , if you but speak the word , i 'll print an account of your re-conversion , even before you are re-converted ; as you know , it has been many an honest fellows case to have his execution-prayer printed for him , before he came to tyburn ; and then you may enquire how the town stands affected to that matter , and accordingly dispose of your self . and now , because the ancient family of the ays's , like that of the attici , is not to be treated after the ordinary common method of epistles , i here take my farewel of you in the words of martial , to a person much of the same name with your self . quod siccae redolet palus lacunae , piscinae vetus aura quod marinae , quod jejunia sabbatariorum , quod vulpis fuga , viperae cubile , quod spurcae moriens lucerna testae , mallem , quam quod oles , olere basse. dialogue between mr. bays and mr. hains . mr. bays . my old comedian still alive , and lusty ! mr. hains . what , the ornament and glory of the english theatre , my honest friend , mr. bays ! mr. bays . dear rogue , let me hug and caress thee a while . well l' gad , brother convert , i am as glad to see thee safe and sound again here in town , as a fond citizen , that has lost his virtuous spouse for two or theee days at this end of the town , is to see her brought home in a coach by some obliging gentleman , and return to her family administrations . mr , hains . and for my part , i take as much delight and satisfaction , to behold the ingenious mr. bays , as an italian does to see his mistress at church , or a long-expecting cardinal to see a sede vacante . mr. bays . but , my noble count , where hast thou passed thy time all this while . 't is an age , at least , since i had the honour of thy company . and how , and how do our friends of the crusca at florence , the ricourati at padua , and the lyncei at rome ? how goes poetry forward in that refin'd noble country ? what sonnets and pastorals , or theological discourses hast thou brought over with thee ? come l' faith , i must ask thee as many questions about this affair , as a suspicious spaniard asks his wife on the wedding-night , or a hot priest does a raw country-girl at the confessional . m. hains . nay , not a syllable of theological discourses , as you love me , mr. bays , in poetry or business of that nature you may command me as far as you please , but for divinity i desire to be excused , it never suited with my complexion . to satisfie your curiosity then , i have been travelling abroad in the world to cultivate my person , and acquire a little experience for the relief of my old age . bays . let me conjure thee , dear rogue , as thou hopest for no gout , no palsie ; or what is more mortifying , for no barking lungs , no barking creditors , and no small-beer in thy declining years , to acquaint me with the history of thy travells ; for i am more impatient to hear the issue of it , than a poet is , to hear the success of his new play behind the curtain ; or a gentleman that has employed his friend to try the honour of his lady , longs to hear behind the hangings how she comes off with the temptation . hains . to make short of the matter , mr. bays , since i saw you last , i have passed the streights , shot the gulph of lyons , seen the vesuvio and mont-gibel , dined with the bey of algiers , made the giro of italy , and the tour of malta , sung before the beau monde of tripoly , and danced before the beglerbegs of tunis . bays . i see , you keep up your merry diverting humour still , mr. hains . hains . i have made seven bashaws , two and fifty knights of malta , three italian princes , fourscore and thirteen fryars , eight fathers of the society , with about some thirty neopolitan barons , as drunk and tipsie as so many bears . at a carnival-time , prince pamphilio and my self lamblack'd ninety nine signs at venice ; we drank our mistresses healths on the two corinthian horses in st. marks ; we rubbed out all the milkscores in the strada nuova , and bilked just three hundred ninety nine coaches , precisely and no more , in lombardy . bays . well , i 'll say that for thee , mr. hains , thou art one of the most accomplisht ingenious humorists in europe . hains . i plaid upon a key and pair of tongs before the pope and cardinals ; by the same token that innocent the eleventh got his death by over-dancing himself , tho this is a mystery which you were never acquainted with before ; but then as for the ladies mr. bays — bays . ay , what have you to say to the ladies , mr. hains . hains . why , what with the agreeableness of my meen , the gayety of my conversation , the irresistible charms of my singing , and the gallantry of my dancing , i had the good luck to charm all the ladies where-ever i came ; signor giusippe says one , when will you come , and help me to string my lute ; signor giusippe , says another , shall we see you at night in the grotto behind the dukes palace ; signor giusippe , says a third , when will you come and teach me the last song , which you made for the prince of tuscany ; and so l' faith they giusipped me on amongst them , till i had sworn , at least , to a dozen assignations ; and knew no more , mr. bays , where it was best to dispose of my self , than a poor needle that 's exactly placed between two loadstones , which way to incline it self . bays . i warrant thee , dear rogue , thou didst wish then with all thy heart , that some honest miracle-monger of a priest cou'd have transubstantiated that sinful body of thine , that thou mightest have been capable of answering half a dozen appointments at a time . i am sure had i been in thy case ; i had desired the same blessing as heartily , as ever rising favourite prayed for a plurality of titles , or a town bully for a plurality of believing mercers . hains . well , i was a graceless ill-natured devil that 's certain ; i left seven women of good condition languishing for me at algiers , twelve at tripoly , fourteen at tunis , eight and twenty at saragosa , and thirty three at naples . since my arrival into england i have been informed , half of 'em are dead , and the rest in a fair way to be translated in a short time — but what would you have a man do in such a case , dear brother squob ? you know no bodies tabernacle is able to bear such perpetual skirmishing ; and for my part , let me tell you , i do not pretend to be a sampson — bays . nay , you need not excuse your self , mr. hains , as to this point ; for to my certain knowledge , a person acquits himself with honour and reputation enough , that can contrive to come off a saver from one assignation . hains . one of the best intreigues i ever had in my travels , was with the grand-masters mistress in malta ; a fine , plump , two-handed ▪ bona roba , l' faith , with eyes as sparkling as canary , and cheeks as red as claret . bays . and how didst thou compass her at last , dear comedian — hains . why , i attacqued her several ways , but to no purpose at all ; at last i thought a serenade was the likeliest way to prevail upon her affections ; and so i translated a certain ode out of horace , which was very suitable to the occasion , and sung it under her window . bays . may i pretend to so great an interest in thee , dear rogue , as to beg it of thee ? hains . with all my heart , dear squob . but you are to understand it was first translated into italian , but since my coming into england , i translated it for my own diversion into english , and such as it is , you are heartily welcome to . extremum tanaim si biberes lyce . ode . lib. . i. tho you , my lyce , in some northern flood had chill'd the current of your blood ; or lost your sweet engaging charms , in some tartarian husbands icy arms ; were yet one spark of pity left behind , to form the least impression on your mind : sure you must grieve , sure you must sigh , sure drop some pity from your eye ; to see your lover prostrate on the ground , with gloomy night , and black despair encompass'd all around . ii. hark! how the threatning storms arise , and with loud clamours fill the skies . hark! how the tott'ring buildings shake , hark! how the trees a doleful comfort make . and see ! oh see ! how all below 〈◊〉 the earth lies cover'd deep in 〈◊〉 the romans clad in white , did 〈…〉 and thus your freezing candidates , 〈…〉 you . iii. come lay these foolish niceties aside , and to soft passion sacrifice your pride ; let not the 〈◊〉 hours with fruitless questions dye , but let new 〈◊〉 of pleasure crown 'em as they fly . scorn not the flame , which your own 〈◊〉 infuse , and no 〈◊〉 friendly minute lose , while youth and beauty give you leave 〈◊〉 . as men 〈…〉 of charity below , or 〈◊〉 the next world , or think they 〈◊〉 so you 〈◊〉 a lover should engage , 〈◊〉 to make a sure retreat for your declining age . iv. let 〈◊〉 souls by virtue be cajol'd , as 〈◊〉 graecian spinstress was of old . she , while her sot his youthful prime bestow'd , to fight a cuckolds wars abroad , held out a longer siege than troy against the warm attacques of proffer'd joy : and foolishly preserv'd a worthless chastity , at the expence of ten years lies and perjury ; like that old-fashion'd dame , ne'er bilk your own delight , but what you 've lost i' th' day , get , get it in the night . v. oh then if prayers 〈◊〉 no acceptance find , nor vows , nor 〈…〉 your mind : if all these pow'rfull motives fail , yet let your keeper's injuries prevail . he by some play-house 〈◊〉 misled , elsewhere bestows the tribute of your bed. let me his forfeited embraces share , let me your mighty wrongs repair . so kings by their own rebel-powers betray'd , to quell a homebred foe , call in a forreign aid . vi. love , let platonicks promise what they will , must like devotion be encourag'd still . must meet with equal wishes , and desires , or else the dying lamp in its own urn expires . and i , for all that boasted flame we poets , and fond lovers idely claim , am of too frail a make i fear , shou'd you continue still severe , to brave the double hardship of my fate ▪ and bear the coldness of the winds , and rigour of your hate . mr. bays . so , mr. hains , you compass'd her at last , i don't question , with this all-confounding perswasive of a sonnet . nay never blush for the matter , noble comedian of mine , for i have been in my time , as great a virtuoso for this kind of natural philosophy , as thy experienced self . hains . i won't trouble you , mr. bays , to recount my turkish , my african , and my greecian amours to thee ; for then you must expect to find me as tedious , as a thrice-married widdow when she lanches out in commendation of her deceased husbands ; or one of my own brothers of the theatre , that has bound the poet apprentice to the player , when he discourses very pertly concerning the ancient and modern writers . — but still dear malta i shall never forget thee . bays . nay , mr. hains , i must freely own , you have a great deal of reason to remember malta , considering the noble rencounter you had there with the grand master's mistress : and what sort of a place is it i pray . hains . oh! dear rogue , 't is the finest , happiest island in the world. the sweetest air , the richest wine , the bravest gentlemen , the most obliging well-bred ladies ; that methinks i cou'd never be weary of discoursing upon so entertaining a subject . thou may'st guess , little bays , what plenty of women they have amongst them there , when i shall inform thee , that there are two or three thousand bawdy batchelors always upon the spot : men of fortitude , and vigour , that have made a vow of chastity , and yet fornicate in abundance . bays . thank you for that observation mr. hains . for i have always remarked , it has been the fashion of the world for men to act just contrary to the professions they make . thus your super-annuated old lady , that 's perpetually declaiming on the vices of the age , is the fondest , and most violent lover in private . hains . thus your men of sanctity and devotion , are the greatest libertines within doors ; your men of complaisance and civility , the greatest enemies behind your back ; your men of latitude and comprehension , the greatest persecutors when they get uppermost . your ecclesiastical pretender to poverty , the rankest miser ; as your pretender to wit , and good breeding is generally the dullest , rudest animal in the world. all this had been true mr. bays , whether you or i had ever observ'd it , or no ; but still dear malta i shall never forget thee . bays . come , mr. hains , i am confident , there 's something or other extraordinary in the case , that makes this malta run in thy head so ; prithee communicate it , for i can keep a secret as well , as a white-hall whisperer , or a chamber-maid , you have lain with ; a minister of state you have bribed , or a simonaical parson . hains . to satisfie your longing mr. bays , you must know i was converted to the roman religion in this island ; and tho i say it , that should not , the manner of my conversion was a hundred times more strange , and surprizing than ever yours was . bays . and did the news then of my conversion arrive to thee beyond sea ? prithee let me know , what were the sentiments of your part of the world upon that occasion ; for not to mince matters with you , every body here at home looked upon it as a prodigy : i have had half the scriblers about the town upon me at once , that have persecuted , and treated me ten times worse , than the author of the vox populi has treated tobits dog ; and yet i'gad mr. hains , seemingly i took no more notice of the affront , than a fanatic wou'd do of some half a score alterations in the liturgy ; and was pleas'd publickly to say here in will 's coffee-house , that it was below the honour of mr. bays , to answer these little pamphleteers , as much , as it is below the reputation of a gentleman , to send a challenge to a surly beef-eater that turn'd him out of the presence chamber at white-hall . hains . that was politickly done , let me tell you , mr. bays . for had you condescended to answer one , you had lain under an obligation of answering the whole herd . and therefore to pretend an insensibility , or neglect of 'em on this occasion , was as cunning a fetch , as it was of mr. horner in the country-wife , to publish his disability as to love affairs , when he design'd to free himself from the importunities of his old cast mistresses . bays . but all this while , mr. hains , you forget to tell me how the story of my conversion relish'd abroad . hains . why to me , that was acquainted with thy character , and the fickleness of thy constitution , it passed for no miracle i can assure thee . i use to judge of other people by my self , and let a dramatist , little bays , write for any religion , as much he pleases , i am confident he no more minds to advance it , than any of the honest drinking members of the house thought to confound claret by passing the twelve-penny act. for a poet is a true swisse , that never troubles his head with the merits of the cause , for which he 's ingaged . bays . that might be your single opinion , mr. hains , i confess . but what said the rest of mankind to my conversion ? hains . i am afraid i shall make thee a little vain , if i divulge it . you are to know the pope and cardinals rejoyced exceedingly at the news . the queen of sweden ( that had a particular kindness always for poets ) to testifie her zeal upon that occasion , gave a fine entertainment at her palace ; at which the greatest masters of music in the city assisted ; nay so general was the joy for your conversion , that i durst almost have sworn , the congregation de propaganda fide , would have order'd a solemn procession about the town , to complement heaven upon that score . bays . dear mr. hains how shall i be able to make thee any suitable returns for so great an obligation ? hains . now ( said they ) the converts in england will come faster upon our hands , than we know how to provide for ' em . heresie is utterly demolisht for this age , that 's certain . we have already got mr. bays the poet-laureat on our side , and he by his example will soon prevail upon the rest of his profession to turn catholicks ; and when we have got the poets to defend our cause , the whole nation must come in of course . for the people must of necessity judge there 's something very convincing , and extra ordinary in that religion , which the poets so resolutely maintain , as when we see a man from a lewd rake-hell , turn saint on the sudden , we are apt to ascribe it to little less than a revelation : so they concluded that by this means the whole nation wou'd be brought in a short time to declare . bays . well i must needs say , that if it had not been for this unlucky revolution , matters wou'd have infallibly succeeded , as these virtuoso's did imagine . hains . for your farther comfort mr. bays , your book was carried with a great deal of triumph to the vatican , where it is shown to all strangers along with king harry's letter to ann bolein , and his treatise against luther . besides , it was the common discourse of the town , a little before i left the place , that the pope design'd to employ a celebrated workman to carve a hind and panther in marble ; and , in order to preserve the memory of their immortal conference , to place their statues on each side the two famous horses in monte cavallo . bays . this mighty honour that you tell me , has been done to my works , has thrown me into such a transport of joy , that i fancy it wou'd be convenient to take a dose of diascordium before i go to bed , to prevent a fever , and all that ; pray give me your advice mr. hains . hains . what i am going about to tell you , will save you the expence of your diascordium , and all that . indeed , the more curious inquisitive persons at rome , that had found out your character , and manner of conversation ; that had informed themselves of the author of the religio laici , and the spanish friar , were of opinion , that for all your pretensions to be a convert , you deserved only to be honestly damn'd for your pains ; for i must tell you , mr. bays , the good natur'd church of rome , is as little inclin'd to forgive a man that has once affronted her , as a lady of the town that grudges to have the least mite of conjugal benevolence bestowed elsewhere , is to pardon her poor husband , that she has found trespassing with one of her maids in the garret . and now i have been so free as to acquaint thee with what that part of the world as i resided in , thought of thy conversion ; prithee tell me what they said of mine here in england . bays . why , i'faith mr. hains , you and i have had the worst luck of any two converts in the universe . we cou'd get no body breathing to believe one syllable of our conversion ; as for your self , though a missionary from heaven had come on purpose to attest the sincerity of your change , it had never passed : they remembred you palm'd a count upon the french king formerly in your younger days , and so they concluded that from the same principle of mirth and diversion , you were resolved to palm a convert upon the pope and cardinals in your old age. but letting alone such a foolish disquisition , prithee proceed in the history of your conversion . hains . you are to understand then , mr. bays , that in coming from algiers ( where i had the honour to dance before threescore and sive turkish women at a renegadoes wedding ) to malta , we were becalm'd at sea for the space of a week and upwards ; during which time , whether it happen'd through the excessive heat of the season , or the iniquity of my youth , or both , i was troubled with a mighty tumour in my left arm , which the next night after threw me into a violent calenture . bays . poor rogue , i pity thy condition with all my heart . hains . after some outward and inward medicines applied to no purpose , at last the surgeon and chaplain of the ship — no , i beg your pardon , i should have said the chaplain and surgeon of the ship — bays . i don 't like that conjunction , mr. hains , 't is a foreboding augury , let me tell you . a chaplain and a surgeon to a sick man , 't is like the conjunction of a hard jury , and a worse judge , to a prisoner at the bar. hains . they came into my cabin , and in a very mournful tone told me , we'd advise you , mr. hains , to make up your accompts with this world as soon as you can , you cannot expect to live four and twenty hours longer in this at the farthest , therefore we counsel you to think of eternity , and prepare your self for another station . bays . that word prepare your self for another station , when you had no mind to quit your present post , was , i don't question , full as mortifying a summons to thee , my noble comedian , as it would be to a young unsighting tradesman of the new-rais'd regiment of horse , to leave his pretty employment and pretty wise at home , and be sent to starve at his own cost and charges in ireland . hains . nay , i must confess , i received the news with no very great alacrity of spirit , for i had leisure enough to reflect on all my juvenile frolicks and excursions , and hoped my stars would be so civil to me , as to allow me a longer time to adjust my accompts . as my good fortune order'd the matter , there happen'd to be a certain calabrian gentleman in the ship , who was going to pay his devoir to the grand master of malta , that was his cousin german . bays . now thou revivest me , dear rogue ; i'faith , i was going to give thee over for lost , and then i am sure , all the veneres cupidinesque all the pretty soft graces of the theatre had departed along with thee . hains . his name , which i shall never forget , was signor pietro leandro , the sweetest , most obliging gentleman that i had ever the honour to converse with ; he coming to give me a visit in this extremity , in the first place asked me what religion i was of ? bays . and that , i am afraid , was as difficult a question for thee to resolve , as it would be to a modern latitudinarian or alteration-man , to answer , what church he 's most enclin'd to , the establish'd or the fanatick . hains . sir ( said i ) for your comfort , you 'll find me of what religion you please ; i am at your service , recommend me to what perswasion you think convenient . my soul 's , as to that affair , a clean sheet of paper , a meer tabula rasa , therefore , sir , you may impress any characters in the world upon it ; whether christian , or mahumetan , iew , or pagan , 't is all a case to your poor distressed servant . bays . and what said your noble calabrian to all this , i prithee ? hains . he shook his head , and seem'd as much surpized at the confession i made him , as the ordinary of newgate is at an old breaker's history of his debaucheries ; at last , he asked me what profession i was of , and in what religion my parents had educated me ? to this i reply'd that in my present character i was secretary to the english embassador who was bound for constantinople , that i had served the stage in quality of a player , and prologue-maker some twenty years ▪ that if i belong'd to any religion , it was to the reformation , but to what branch of it , i no more knew , than a new comer to london , mr. bays , knows what ward , or aldermans jurisdisction he lives under . bays . i shall certainly dye with laughing at this pleasant passage ; but pray continue the discourse . hains . that i had the charity to believe , my father took care to get me baptized when i was an infant , ( the only time when he was capable of managing me ) but that by reason of my continual business in the world , i never had time to consult the parish register for better information . that i cou'd have said the lords prayer , the creed , the ten commandments by heart about forty years ago , and that , thanks to my almanack , i had most of the names of the saints , and the apostles still very fresh in my memory . bays . pray proceed . hains . at this my gentleman put on a sweeter countenance than before , and smiling told me , sir , there are still hopes of your recovery , if you can but put your self into a sober posture of contemplation for an hour or two , and heartily believe in st. paul. bays . what answer did you give him , mr. hains ? hains . i told him i could heartily believe in st. paul , or any other saint in the calendar , that wou'd undertake to cure me . why then ( says he ) i have a certain medicinal earth in my trunk , that goes by the name of st. paul's earth , we call it in italy , la terra di santo paolo , and it grows in a remarkable grotto in malta . you have no more left you to do upon this occasion , but only to apply it to the tumour in your arm , and afterwards to believe in st. paul's merits as heartily as you can . bays . i am as impatient to hear the sequel of thy story , as a country lady at the play-house , is to know what fortune a rich heiress , that was married in the first act , will meet with in the fifth . hains . signor ( said i ) leave me alone to that . i warrant you i 'll believe as thoroughly , as firmly , as implicitly , and as substantially , as any person in christendom . never question the extent of my faith signot , said i , for upon an extraordinary affair , i can make it travel as far as an old dreaming monk , or an old penitent magdalen . upon this he fetches me some of this miraculous earth , then bids me apply it to the place above-mention'd , and then without fail to follow the other prescription ; for without that , says he , it won't signify a brass farthing . bays . so now , i can imagine thee , my noble count , raising thy self upon thy pillow , with thy eyes lifted up , and a great deal of devotion in that ungodly countenance , applying this sanctified earth to thy unsanctified arm. hains . at parting , cries the gentleman , i don't question to see you whole and lusty again , within these two or three days at farthest , and then i may take occasion to discourse you more particularly about the principles of the christian religion , and settle you , if possible , in the romish perswasion ▪ but above all , ( and then he shut the door upon me ) don 't forget to recommend your self to the merits , and intercession , of you know who . bays . well , i must needs say that for the italian gentlemen , they are as desirous to make a convert to their church , as — hains . as an algerine is to make a captive , or a rook a good easie cully . they never think they have entertain'd a stranger heartily , unless they can intoxicate him with their superstition into the bargain , as your country gentlemen never think they have made a man welcom in their houses , unless they send him home dead-drunk . 't is their interest , mr. bays , that carries them on to this charitable performance ; for the converting of one single heretick will give them credit at the confessional for a whole years running on tick in gaming ▪ swearing and whoring . bays . nay , now you begin to be satyrical , mr. hains , i must desire you to quit this digression , and pursue your story . hains . when the gentleman had left me , i made use of his earth according to his prescription , but how to advance that unactive , feeble , phlegmatick thing within me , my faith , that , mr. bays , that was the severest mortificaton . for my own part , i had never made use on 't before , but only to believe a plot in a play , an assignation at night , the honesty of my wife , the credulity of a cit , or the promises of a courtier . well , for all i could do , ( and i play'd more tricks with it i am sure , than a fortune-teller does with a raw foolish girl about a stoln silver-spoon ) i cou'd not prevail with it to comply with my desires , till my distemper began to abate somewhat , and then as my pain ebbed out , my faith flowed in ; so that by break of day , i had very liittle pain about me , but a swinging deal of faith. bays . this is certainly the strangest story , i ever met with in my life , and richly deserves to find a place in the next edition of clark's beard 's theatre , or wanly's wonders of man. hains . just as the gentleman promis'd , within two days i was so perfectly recovered , that i fancied my self in a condition to perform feats of activity before the best assembly in france , or italy . i met him one morning very early on the deck ; signor ( says he ) i see your body is in plight good enough , there needs no more questions about that ; but pray inform me , in what condition do you find your faith ? very brave , and lusty , answered i , and in a fit tune to digest all the amazing stories in the universe . bays . stranger and stranger still , i profess . hains . why then , continued he , you and i must talk about some serious points of religion , that very nearly concern you ; i must nick you , dear friend of mine , in the critical minute , otherwise i shall be in danger of losing you . no , by no means , answer'd i , never attacque me fasting while you live , i made a solemn promise to my relations in england , never to meddle with religion , till my appetite was well gorged . after dinner you may discourse me as long as you please . bays . well , thou art a person , mr. hains , of the most singular ▪ peculiar , and most uncommon constitution of body in the whole world , i believe . hains . after we had dined , he follows me into my cabin : signior giussope ( says he ) ( for by this time he had learnt my name out ) i am come to lay hold on your promise . imprimis , what is your opinion of the pope's infallibility ? the lord knows , said i , i have but a very indifferent opinion of it , and yet i cannot help it for the heart of me , for if i could but once arrive to be master of so much grace , as to be perswaded in that point , i 'de just believe as the pope believes , and all the business would be over . bays . if i had had the management of thee , mr. hains , i had as soon perswaded thee to swallow that article , and twenty more of the same bulk , as a covent garden beau makes a stragling citizens daughter in the park believe she 's handsom , and only made for enjoyment ; or a poet by a little glittering eloquence in a dedication , makes any noble lord about the court , believe he 's witty , and valiant , and every thing besides . hains . when he saw the infallibility was too gross a pill for me to swallow , he accosts me with another doctrine of his church ; that was ten times worse , i mean transubstantiation : he then inquired of me whether i believed a corporal , or a virtual presence in the eucharist ? i told him , that the stage having employ'd all my thoughts , i understood nothing of those things that he mentioned . then he fell upon the invocation of saints , and the great benefit of images , and began very seriously to explain 'em to me . all this while i minded him no more , than fanatic parson does a discourse of charity , or forty one ; a courtier a learned harangue about fathers and councils , or ( as you say ) a poet minds truth in the dedicatory epistle . bays . this was very rude and uncivil , i protest to you , mr. hains , to make such unhandsom returns to the gentleman , that only design'd the saving of your pretious soul. hains . seeing that this method did not meet with that success as he expected ; signor ( crys he ) you were utterly spoil'd in the building , therefore i must e'en carry you to the dock , take you to peices , and refit you again , for at present you are a very unserviceable leaky vessel , scarce fit for an algerine to sail in . i must man you with some thirty catholick tenets , that shall preserve you from being boarded by any infidel or protestant privateers . i must give you the churches infallible compass to steer your course by , when you have no scripture moonlight , or star-light to direct you . above all , i must furnish you with a new rudder of faith , for your old one has been all battered to pieces in the play-house ; with a good substantial anchor of hope , with the sails of contemplation , the pump of confession , and pitch you and tar you all over with the italian doctrines of ignorance , and obedience . bays . very courteous and civil i gad . but why , mr. hains , did you give the gentleman all this pains and trouble ? hains . only to make my self a little mirth and diversion : for thus , i remember , i once kept a city merchant , that had a lac'd-band which reached from shoulder to shoulder , two hours by the clock , in one of the coffee-houses about the exchange , to explain the meaning of chevaux de frize in a gazette ; and i shall never forget , he told me they were horses bred in frize-land , that were bullet-proof . at another time i kept a grocer a full quarter of an hour in the street , to tell me which was the nearest way from fleet street to the sun-tavern in peccadille , whether down the strand , and so by charing-cross , or through lincolns-inn-fields and covent-garden , tho the poor fellow told me his spouse sent him out for a midwife , and for all i know , i made him lose an heir apparent to a dozen pound of raisins , as many silver-spoons , stow's survey of the city , and speed's chronicle . bays . well , i see you must have your frolicks , mr. hains , but pray what was the result of this affair between you . hains . i made very small , insensible advances into popery , little bays , though the gentleman took as much pains every day to expound it to me , as a kind keeper takes to instruct a young country girl of his own breeding up , in aretine's postures ; or a new author takes to teach a dull heavy player the right accent of all his witty passages in his first comedy : he was a week , at least , before he could make me comprehend one article and half of his religion ; and i dare swear , had the ship , we were in , moved no faster than i did , we had continued in the mediterranean to this very moment . bays . i shall never forgive thee for this inexcusable stupidity , mr. hains , thou art as restiff an animal as a tired carriers horse , or a superannuated matron of threescore and three . hains . at last , says my friend leandro , being i suppose by this time fully convinced what a difficult province he had undertaken ; signor giusippe , you and i take articles in the catholic religion much after the same rate as the spaniards regain their towns in the french acquisitions . i am dog-weary of this slavish employment already , for i 'de sooner engage to teach a poet the mathematics , or the profound mysterie of keeping ready mony always in his pocket ; to teach a nimble fluttering monsiour the art of thinking , a sea-man the rules of civility , a dutch-man sobriety , an irish-man good manners and discretion , an italian a cure for jealousie , than to be bound to instruct you piece-meal in all the doctrines of holy church . bays . did he turn you over ▪ then for lost , mr. hains , when he gave you this severe reprimand ? hains . no , you shall hear : i have only one thing more to trust to , ( continues he ) and if that fails , then farewell for ever . when we come a-shore at malta , i design to carry you to st. paul's grotto , where he shelter'd himself some time , after he was shipwrackt upon that island . unless my expectations mightily deceive me , when i have got you there , and advanced two or three convincing arguments upon you , i shall see you become a good trusty believing catholic by wholesale . bays . well , i am glad with all my heart , to see your gentleman has his surest cards still to play , for to say the truth , i began to despair of the game . hains . as soon as we landed , my pious well-meaning friend , before he went to pay his complements to the grand-master , or look after any of his concerns , carries me along with him to this celebrated grotto . this was the place , said he , ( and i remember it faced the sea-shore ) which st. paul honour'd with his presence immediately after his shipwrack . bays . — hanc tharsi magnus alumnus speluneam subiit , haec illum regia cepit . aude hospes contemnere opes , & te quoque dignum finge deo — i hope you can forgive me this sudden rapture , mr. hains , for i am all o're possess'd with ecstasie , and admiration . hains . that immortal converter of the gentiles , added he , during the short residence he made here , impress'd that miraculous virtue on the earth of this cave , that it cures all manner of tumours , and inflammations . you your self by comfortable experience have found the efficacy of it , suffer your self therefore amigo meo carissimo , to be conquered by so irresistible an argument , and don 't disdain to increase the triumphs of this victorious missionaire . bays . thou hadst been a meer unpardonable infidel if this had not prevailed upon thee . and what , did not st. paul's earth convert thee at last ? hains . i was going to say , sir i am afraid if st. paul's earth will bring me over to the roman church , that his epistles will draw me out of it again . but the gentleman reassuming his discourse ; tho , says he , a hundred thousand cartloads are every year carried out of this cave to be distributed about in italy , spain , portugal , france , germany , poland , and other catholic countries ( for out of the precincts of the church this earth has no manner of operation ) yet the place is neither larger , nor wider than it was sixteen centuries ago . i looked round about me , and saw , to my great astonishment , it was one of the least and lowest grottos that i had ever seen in my life . a box in a tavern is capable of holding a greater number of people ; half a dozen brawny , overgrown , drinking dutch divines wou'd cram it up . so then i blush'd , hung down my head , gave the gentleman my hand , and told him i was his most humble servant — bays . tuque dum procedis , io triumphe , non semel dicemus , io triumphe civitas omnis , dabimusque divis thura benignis . hains . for your farther satisfaction , says he , there are a thousand worthy persons in the island , men of honour and virtue , than can attest the truth of what i have communicated to you . in short , 't is too palpable and notorious a thing to be an imposture , you your self will see a hundred evidences of it before you leave the place ; and can you think then , my illustrious signor , that the religion of this country ( which i can assure you is only catholick ) is displeasing to heaven , since it is daily countenanced by so continued , so palpable , so manifest a miracle . the terra sigillata that comes from stalimene , is not to be named the same month with this ; it has converted more infidels , and heretics to the church , than all the fathers of the society since the days of st. ignatius , and by methods more gentle , more peaceable , and suited to the spirit of christianity . bays . that i must needs own . but i wonder in my heart , that we never heard or read of this miraculous earth in england before . it had been worth k. iames's while , i am sure , to have sent all his unbelieving peers to this island to be transform'd here into true mussulmen . this same business , mr. hains , sticks a little with me i confess . hains . why , mr. bays , couldst thou read over , and translate , and consequently believe the history of st. xavier ( for otherwise why didst thou print it ? ) and canst thou with any face startle at my single miracle ? oh thou uncircumcis'd , infidel play-wright . this 't is to swallow the legend of garagantua , and boggle at poor tom thumb . thou servest thy faith just as a merchant in town serves a declining tradesman , givest it credit at first for a hundred pound , and afterwards wont trust if for a single farthing . bays . don't be angry , honest mr. hains , lay aside your passion , and i promise you upon my word , i 'll be guilty no more of such a trespass . hains . well , said i , to the gentleman , i heartily beg your pardon for the trouble i have given you , and render you ten thousand thanks for the double cure you have wrought upon an unworthy , graceless foreigner . i now believe church , and councils ; canons , and decrees ; pope , and tradition , and every thing in the world besides . my future acknowledgments shall testifie the sincerity of my heart . signor , answered he , no more of this . your frank confession has abundantly recompensed me for the pains i have taken . then he informed me , into how charitable , and good natured a church i had fled for sanctuary ; acquainted me with what latitude , what elbow-room , what liberty of conscience she allow'd to poor sinners , at what easie christian rates she offered absolution , that tho she obliged her converts to part with a few foolish senses , yet she was never so unmerciful or un-lady-like to contradict the sweet dictates of flesh and blood , with a great many more arcanas of the same importance ; so that when he left me all alone in the grotto , to pass an hour or two by my self in prayer and meditation , i fell a weeping , and crying as hard as i could drive : bays . nay , i think you 'd make me weep too , mr. hains , with this pathetic , moving narration , but that i have no moisture left me in my old decaying tenement to part with . dear signor leandro , i shall never forget thee . but pray , noble comedian , tell me what occasioned you to weep so plentifully . hains . not the old story of alexander's sorrow , because i had no more worlds of religion , no more terra incognitas to conquer , but a sad melancholly story of a sage , and venerable hermit . bays . for charity , replyed the matron , tell , what sad mischance the hermit sage befell : hains . nay , no mischance , reply'd the savage dame , but too much vigour , and to fierce a flame , and love too strong , and something else without a name . to make short work of my tale . this hermit , i am discoursing of , had very honestly , and according to the letter lived up to his vow of chastity , till he was near threescore years of age : knew no more for what noble ends a woman was created , than the young ignorant persian prince in the play ; so you may imagine he had in this time amassed together a vast prodigious stock of love , which like ill-managed hay that had not cocking and spreading enough , broke out at last into a flame , and threw him into a very violent burning feavor . bays . and no more than what he deserved , like an old penurious nigardly hunks as he was , to keep his talent about him for so long a time useless , and unemployed . hains . the physitians being sent for to prescribe what medicines they thought most convenient and suitable for their patient , after they had acquainted themselves with all the circumstances of his indisposition , they came to his bed side , and told him , there was only one way in the world for him to save his life , but that they questioned , whether a gentleman of his nice squeamish conscience wou'd submit to follow the prescription . bays . show me that man , mr. hains , that won't sacrifice all the vows and considerations in the world , rather than sacrifice the beloved principle of self-preservation , and i 'll give you leave to make me your bond-slave . hains . sir , said they , you are a man of a sanguine jolly complexion , and ought to have consulted the interest of your own body so far , as to have drained it upon occasion , when you found nature overcharged with superfluous humours . to be plain with you , sir , you have foolishly made a vow of chastity , and what is unpardonable in a person of your vigour , you have as foolishly observed it . there 's nothing in the universe can save you but a woman , take one into your bed , and manage her as you see fitting ; you 'll need no no directions in the case , only follow the impulse of nature , and you may live as long as a patriarch . bays . well , commend me to such honest doctors as these , while you live , i 'll maintain it , rhey were in the right . hains . the poor gentleman considered a while with himself what he had best do . if he followed the doctors advice he trespassed upon his oath ; and if he declin'd it , he must certainly die . at last the principle of self-preservation , as you very well observe , prevail'd upon him ; so he sent for a fresh juicy girl of fifteen to pass away the night with him . what they did together we cannot tell , for both the greek and latin authors leave us in the dark as to that point . but 't is agreed on all hands , the nymph carried something about her that was both a sudorific , and an opiate ; for she did first of all put the pious hermit into a gentle sweat , and afterwards cast him into a gentler slumber . bays . i' gad , mr. hains , it happened just as i imagined . hains . the next morning the physitians came to see how matters succeeded with their patient , and found him weeping very plentifully on his pillow . they enquired of him then how he found himself , and whether the malignity of his distemper was abated or no ; gentlemen , says he , i took your counsel , and must needs own the prescription was very natural and easie ; it has perfectly recovered my health , only i cannot chuse but weep to think what a stupid , senseless blockhead i was , to deny my self all along so sweet a satisfaction as i enjoy'd last night , and that i never had the grace to experiment the pleasure before now , when i am not in a capacity of enjoying it much longer . bays . nay , i confess the peevish old fool had occasion enough to bemoan his condition , but i don't understand , mr. hains , why the remembrance of his miscarriage should set you a weeping . hains . this it is to tell a story to a man , that is not capable of making an application . if i must then be forced to make out every thing to you , i wept because i turn'd roman catholic no sooner . bays . thanks to you for your comment however , mr. hains , for i am as much in the dark now as i was before . hains . to condescend then to the weakness of your apprehension , you must know , i have broke many an honest assignation in my time , mr. bays , purely out of a principle of conscience ( wou'd you believe it ? ) and because i looked upon that same business , you know what i mean , to be a very crying sin . the truth on 't is , i have had my failings , and back-slidings now and then , as well as others before me ; but then my conscience certainly stared me in the face for it next morning , and sometimes put me into such a fright , that i could not recover my self in a day or two . now the church of rome , mr. bays , utterly stifles such uncivil mortifying scruples as these , makes it at most but a venial sin , and if you go to the confessional ( where 't is as great a pleasure for a man of a fruitful imagination to rehearse the scene , as it was almost to act it , ) there 's some ecclesiastical weapon-salve always to be had , that will make you whole in a moment . now it was this consideration , mr. bays , viz. that i was so unfortunate as to be proselyted to so kind a church in my old age , when i was not in a condition to use her favours long , that made me consider of the poor hermit : and both these considerations together made me weep so heartily , as i have told you . bays . oh fie , mr. hains ! who would expect to hear such a light unbecoming passage drop from a person of your years . i 'll take care to give you such a temptation no more ; now prithee what didst thou do at malta after thy conversion ? hains . to show my self a true obedient son of the church , and that i understood the priviledges of my place , i immediately entered into a pious intreague with the grand-master's mistress , as i have already acquainted you . bays . and didst thou lye with her at last , noble comedian ? where i pray , and how often ? hains . oh! you 'd take care to give me such temptation no more . thank you , mr. bays , for that i' faith ; i don't use to tell tales out of school — shortly after this , our ambassador dying , sir william s — ms by name , i lost the long-expected opportunity of seeing constantinople , that i had so earnestly desired . bays prithee what great advantages could you propose to your self , mr. hains , by going thither ? hains . i had read among some of my authors , that a celebrated musitian and poet of thrace , his name was orpheus , formerly danced his savage countrymen into good manners , and religion . now i was in hopes of doing much the same feats as my thracian predecessor did ; that is , of dancing the grand signor and his divan out of their old brutality and nonsense , into the christian perswasion . or , if that device fail'd , i desired to mutter some exceptions against the alcoran amongst the women of my acquaintance there , and at the same time to make some new plausible glosses and comments upon their law , which would have certainly rais'd a schism in their churches at long run . bays . that would have done very well , i confess , for i know , mr. hains , you love mischief with all your heart . but where did you steer your course after this unlucky disappointment . hains . i took the first opportunity was offer'd me , to ship my self for italy . the first port we touched at , was leghorn , where i desired to be set ashore . from thence i took a journey to florence , to renew my acquaintance with the great duke , whom i had the happiness to know formerly in england . he received me with that address and magnificence , which is peculiar to the italian princes , made me operator ( as i may so say it ) in the english tongue to his son , allowed me a coach and six , and to maintain all this grandeur , besides his private largesses , assigned me fifty crowns a month duly out of his treasury . bays . well , thou art a fortunate fellow , that 's certain . at the same time , mr. hains , was i a drudging at controversie here in england , and writing for the cause ; yet none of these blessings lighted upon me . hains . some time after this , i begged leave of the duke to go and visit the limina apostolorum at rome , and satisfie my self with the curiosities of that ancient city . he granted my request , and sent me thither with all my above-mentioned splendor , and gallantry , with abundance of recommendations to cardinals , princes , and most of the eminent , considerable persons in and about the town . bays . if you were not my friend , mr. hains , i could envy you for all this happiness . hains . it happened just at my arrival to rome , that a certain english peer , who is now in durance , changed his religion , and designed the week following to make a solemn abjuration of it in the pope's chappel . hearing of my conversion , he desired me to bear him company in the ceremony , and assured me , he 'd take it for a particular favour . i soon consented , because i had not as yet renounced my former heresie in publick . so on the day appointed , my lord having a large wax taper in his hand , stuck all o'er with diamonds in honour of the virgin mary , knocked at the chappel door for admittance , which was readily granted . after him comes mr. ioseph hains , the comedian , with little devotion in his looks , and a less farthing candle in his hand , of about some twenty four to the pound , and nothing near so thick as an ordinary tobacco-pipe . bays . how , mr. hains ! did you design to affront 'em then in their own quarters ? hains . pray sir listen . i knocked at the chappel door , but the fellow judging the merits of my piety by the merits of my candle , as 't is generally the way in italy , refused to let me in . then i rapped at the door again , and as loud i'gad as a blustering seamans widdow at the navy-office , or a bilked client at a sleepy lawyer 's chamber at the temple . at last , through the intercession of my noble companion , who told em plainly , he 'd abjure nothing without me , they condescended to admit me into the chappel , but first demanded , why i brought along with me so small a candle . bays . i expect to hear what answer you cou'd make ' em . hains . says one of them , who seem'd to be the principal man amongst 'em , ex ▪ candela tua judicaberis , and quoted st. cyprian for the saying ; for a candle , continued he , is an infallible testimony of a man's devotion , the whiteness of the colour shews the purity of the heart , as the bigness of the light shews the bigness of the illumination within , and therefore a great deal of devotion can no more find its way without a great candle , than a great ship can sail without a great mast. he had run on , i believe , in a speech an hour long about the excellency and virtue of great candles , but that i interrupted him , and said , sir , all this i acknwledge to be true . i design'd you no affront or disrespect ; what i have done , proceeds only from a principle of humility , and a true sense of my own meanness , that the exiguity ( if i may so call it , my most reverend father ) of the oblation might bear a just proportion to the exiguity of the offerer . bays . that excuse , i suppose , atton'd for you mr. hains . hains . at this he relented somewhat ; and so we proceeded to the business in hand , where we abjur'd lutheranism , and calvinism , and zuinglianism , and every isme , in the world , as i know of , except chrism and paganism . but i remember , the good natured priest , that railled me so severely about my farthing-offering , made me abjure small candles into the bargain , as well as heresie : for , says he , we have a proverb at rome , that a little faith , and a little candle are always tallies one to another . bays . but prithee , mr. hains , ( for i know you to be a sagacious discreet person ) give me your opinion of rome ; how do you like the ceremonies and customs of it ? did not the religion of the place strike a wonderful awe and terrour into thee ? hains . to say the truth , mr. bays , i like the women , the painting , the music , and the company one meets there , well enough ; and the religion too , provided you give it another name , call it acting , or shewing , or rehearsing , or playing ; and not religion . bays . what mean you by this mr. hains ? hains . i find , poet squob , i must take the same method with you , as your country parsons do with a dull heavy parishioner , and help the weakness of your apprehension with a simile . at an inn in a small village in italy i asked my landlord , whether they had a barber in the town . ay sir , says he , we have got a carpenter . a carpenter ? answer'd i , what do you mean ? i have no great occasion at present to have my head chopp'd off , my beard will serve the turn . sir , crys the inn-keeper , he follows the calling of a barber , but was originally a carpenter . in short , ( as our learned priest has distinguished upon him ) by profession he 's a carpenter , but a barber by vocation . bays . very well , and did you send for him ? hains . the fellow came , and began to fall briskly about his work , but put me to so much pain , that i was forced to desire him to forbear . stop friend , let me ask you one civil question before you proceed any further . do you call this flaying or shaving ? if you call it flaying 't is pretty tollerable . but if you call it shaving , why then , my friend , 't is the devil all over . even so little bays . bays . even so , little count. — hains . if you call the religion of rome acting , or showing , or rehearsing , or any thing of that nature , 't is well enough : but if you call it religion , mr. bays , i don't know what to say to it . but you know my talent lyes another way , the greatest correspondence i kept there , was amongst the ladies , and i must needs own they are the most courteous , affable , condescending creatures in the whole world. bays . i' faith , dear rogue , we were told here in england , that you had an amour with the queen of sweden . come , we are amongst our selves , and you may confess the truth without any danger ; did'st thou ever pass a night or so with her majesty , mr. hains . hains . oh strange , mr. bays ! i thought you had not forgot the old saying de mortuis nil nisi bonum . indeed there passed a kind of a civil commerce between her majesty and my self . i have some forty billets doux of her own hand-writing still by me at home , besides a gold medal , and two or three other small tokens of her kindness , which i wou'd not part with for all the world. but i wonder mr. bays , that a man of your character and gravity wou'd put such an uncivil question to your friend : nay they reported here in town , that i lay with the late pope , and half the cardinals , but neither i nor you , mr. bays , can stop the peoples mouths if they have a mind to talk . they say it is their birth-right , and property , and they won't part with it . bays . i have experienced that truth in my time , as well as your self mr. hains , and i cou'd give you several melancholly instances of it , if i pleas'd . but leaving the censorious world to it self , if you have any diverting story to impart to your humble servant , prithee communicate it . hains . ay , with all my heart , mr. bays , and i 'le chuse you out one ; that shall serve to acquaint you once for all , how obliging the females , in that sunny part of the globe generally are . one afternoon , as i was walking from my lodging , to pay a visit to the embassadour , i chanced to see a very pretty woman in booksellers shop . having no extraordinary business upon my hands at that time , i thought it not amiss to trifle away an hour or two in civil conversation with her . bays . very good . hains . so i stept into the shop , sending my company away before me , amongst whom was a certain young gentleman that i suppose you may know , for he has writ a very pretty latin copy of verses upon arlington gardens ; and to colour the matter , asked her ; madam , pray have you got signor palladio's book of architecture , 't is a thick quarto , printed at bologna . bays . well , for the contrivance , and good management of a design , thou hast not thy fellow ; but pray go on . hains . sir , said she , my husband is not in town , he 's gone as far as frescati to take a little country air . madam , said i again , i have no manner of business with your husband , i know him not ; but pray madam have you got palladio's book in your shop that i enquir'd for . sir , says she , upon my word he 's dangerously overgone with a consumption , and all the doctors in town despair of his recovery . bays . this lady , mr hains , as far as i can conjecture , had a mind to play at cross purposes with you . hains . no , no , she had a mind to play at something else , as you 'l perceive by and by , but that 's your mistake now , as well as it was mine . i made bold to enquire for the book once more of her ladyship , and she told me she had it in the shop , then pointed with her hand to the place where it was , and bad me reach it down . bays . nay , now i cannot imagine where the business will end for the heart of me . hains . to save my self the trouble , seeing a boy in the shop , i spoke to him to take it down for me . when presently the lady pulling her snuff-box out of her pocket , pietro , says she , go carry my snuff-box to signor orsino's ( and he lived about a mile off on the other side the water ) and desire him to fill it with the best snuff he has . when the boy was gone — bays . ay , when the boy was gone , mr. hains , what follow'd then ? hains . prithee don't be too hasty , mr. bays . sir , says she , this signor orsino sells the best snuff in rome , without disparagement to any one else . all the grandees , and persons of good condition about the town buy of him , and i fancy sir , you as well as all other well-bred ingenious gentlemen , are a great admirer of snuff . bays . but what became of your book all this while ? hains . after her little chat about snuff was over , i asked her again for the book . sir , says she , you may reach it down , if you please to give your self that trouble . then i inquir'd the price of it , and she told me , that her husband about a week before he went into the country , had at her request ( for she did not pretend to understand the mystery of her trade ) written down the lowest price of every book in the wast leaf before the title-page . i told her , 't was just three crowns , and tender'd her the money on the counter . bays . well , prithee dispatch your story , for it begins to be tedious . hains . she gave me my money back again , and taking my by the hand , sir , says she , the book is at your service ; 't is our fashion here in rome to present a stranger with a trifle of this nature , to engage him to be a customer to us . i thanked the lady very heartily , and told her i was going to the english embassadour's , and so cou'd not conveniently carry the book away with me at that time , only desired her to lay it up safely for me , till i should call for it as i came that way again . bays . so , mr. hains . hains . lay it up for you ? crys the lady ; come sir , you shall see how carefully i 'le dispose of it . with that she pulls me by the hand after her , runs up stairs into her bed-chamber , and lays the book directly under her pillow . bays . now i' gad the plot begins to thicken , with a witness . hains . with no witness you shou'd have said mr. bays . i then laid the lady's head upon the pillow ; and when i had so done , i ran down the stairs as hard as ever i cou'd drive . bays . no , no , you did not mr. hains , you are a man of too much good breeding i am sure , to leave a fair lady in the lurch ; you and she , i don't question between you , laid a foundation for something upon your famous book of architecture . but my noble comedian , what said she to you at parting ? hains . thou art my singular good friend , dear squob , and i can deny thee nothing . signor giuseppe , says she , ( for you may imagin by this time we grew pretty intimate ! you tramontani are the most indocible , stupid , unthinking , undivining animals in the whole world. a lady takes as much pains to make you comprehend her meaning , as a creditor , when he tells you a lamentable story of his wife , and five children , to make you understand he wants a little of your money ; and tho we make the matter never so obvious , yet you stand gaping and staring , as if we were discoursing to you in arabic all the while . in fine , i 'de rather undertake the pennance of making a meer dos'd philosopher understand his own non-sense , than one of your phlegmatic gentlemen beyond the hills understand a ladies virtuous thoughts at first sight . bays . nay , the reproach was just and pertinent enough in all conscience ; for a man of gallantry , like your true well-bred spaniel ought to fall upon the game with a wink or a nod , without giving his master the trouble of crying out to him . but under favour , mr. hains , these noble frolicks of yours i am afraid made fine work at the confessional . hains . troth , mr. bays , i never understood the great virtue or necessity of that pagan institution , unless it were , that the priests ( a pox take them ) should know where the greatest fornication and adultery in the kingdom was stirring , and who were the ablest dealers . but this way of proceeding as i take it ; utterly discourages trade , and ruines the growth of those noble manufactures . as for my self , i bless my stars , i took wiser methods in that case , than the rest of mankind generally do , and instead of making it a punishment to my self , so contrived the matter , as to make it ten times a greater plague to my confessor . bays . prithee tell me how , honest mr. hains . hains . why , sometimes i wou'd , go you to the confessional , and pretending a great deal of simplicity , banter the old gentleman with such a story as this : reverend father , i had a horrible dream last night about the cham of tartary , and the great mogul . what was it , son , cries he ? i dreamt that those two puissant monarchs laid their heads together to ruine and undermine the christian religion , and that in order thereunto , they design'd to send a huge over-grown two-handed elephant to rome , under a pretence of showing his tricks at a fair , but that the real design was to corrupt mr. schelstrat the pope's library-keeper , to put the vatican on his back , some dark night or other , and so to bilk his lodgings , march away with all the books and registers in the library , and leave us in everlasting confusions . therefore , dear sir , i would desire you of all loves to go immediately to the consistory , and acquaint them with my dream , that they may take mr. schelstrat into custody , and to prevent such a tragical , unchristian design from taking effect , place a continual guard of souldiers about the vatican . bays . this was the right way indeed , to torment your spiritual director , but did you always serve him thus ? hains . no , dear squob , for i shifted the scene every month at least . at another time i wou'd think of all the lewd , dismal , wicked things in the world , and discharge them into his bosom . i would tell him that such a night i lay with such a princess , the next with such a countess , the third with such a noblemans lady or daughter ; then name the time , the place , the posture , and every circumstance . as for example , sometimes we did it on a bed , sometimes under a haycock , sometimes on a couch , and sometimes on a chair , with the back turned to the wall , and all the while i trembled like a repeating school-boy on a friday , or a new member at his first haranguing about the liberty of the subject , in the house ; till the poor priest at the bare recital of these romantick adventures , looked as pale as a hypocondriac believer of phantoms , with reading a story or two out of the sadducismus triumphatus , or a frolicksom set of porters in a dark cellar , by the melancholly light of burnt brandy . bays . thou art an original in thy kind , upon my word , mr. hains . hains . after i have amused him enough with this kind of ribaldry , to close up all , sir , says i , there still lies upon my conscience something which i have not yet discovered to you , but is of so sinful , and tremendous and transcendant a nature , that i dare scarce utter it , as wicked as i am . now the blundering confessor expects to hear of a nun ravished on an altar , a pix plunder'd of the wafer , or some such dreadful passage as that . but , sir , says i , to undeceive him , last wednesday i stole a consecrated bell from one of st. anthony's pigs , and coyn'd it into copper farthings . such a day , sir , i pinn'd foxes tail on a monks cowl , or for want of a better convenience , i pist into the holy-water-pot , or untruss'd on consecrated ground . sunday was a fortnight , sir , between the hours of four and five , as i was walking through such an ally , i pass'd by an old civil gentlewoman , sitting in her elbow-chair by the door , and very devoutly reading the spiritual carduus posset for a sinners belly-ake , and i like a graceless rascal as i was , stole away her spectacles from her venerable red nose , and have since converted 'em to the profane use of lighting my tobacco by the sun-shine . bays . ha! ha! ha! honest mr. hains , i shall most infallibly spoil my self with laughing at these pleasant conceits . but did you never acquaint your ecclesiastical dragoman with any of your true intreagues , your true mistresses names . hains . no , have a care of that , dear squob , ever whilst you live , i don't love to have my game beat up by a stranger , or to be disturbed in my own quarters . trust a priest with your mistresses name ! trust a parliament-man with a design against magna-charta , or the ribbon-weavers with an invention to promote the woollen manufacture , trust your estate with a lawyer , or your good name with a dealer in lampoons . bays . but , my noble comedian , how came you to escape a good round swinging pennance now and then for your frolics ; methinks if i had the management of thee , i should soon make thee weary of these extravagancies . hains . why i heartily thank 'em , out of their abundant zeal and charity sometimes they prescribe me a hundred pater nosters a day , that go down just like so many hundred ounces of chopt hay with me , and no better . i am too old i'faith now , to say a hundred pater nosters in a day for any priest in christendom ; tho if a man submitted to the performance , the punishment were not very great , for the trouble lies , like in your making of rhymes , mr. bays , more in the fingers , than the head . bays . nay , now i lay aside all hopes of ever taming you . hains . sometimes they advise me , mr. bays , to subdue and mortifie my wicked body with a discipline , but as wicked as it is , i see no reason why my body should suffer for the transgression of my soul. sometimes they recommend fasting to me for a very wholesom thing , but alas ! fasting never agreed with my constitution . once indeed , and never but once , i was sent on a pilgrimage barefoot to loretto , but such a pennance as that , is a meer pastime , and nothing else , to a man that knows how to sanctifie an affliction . bays . sanctifie an affliction ! what mean you by that , mr. hains ? hains . why , to make the best of a bad market , to view only the comfortable side of a thing , and pass it off with a jest , and a fit of laughter . and thus i remember , i relieved my taylor at rome , when he was ready to sink under the weight of a certain heavy misfortune . he came to my lodgings one morning , and in a very doleful tone told me he was undone . in the name of theft , and petty larceny , said i to him , what 's the matter ? sir , said he , some three nights ago being got in my stilts , and all that . your stilts you rogue , and all that , leave your canting , and tell me what you mean. an 't please you , sir , cryes the taylor , having got drunk , i took up with a common wench in the streets , and have met with a clap. is that all , you son of a bodkin and thimble you , to make all this noise and pother about ? down upon your marrow-bones , you rascal , say your prayers , and bless providence for your good luck , for now you 'l piss needles for nothing . bays . and did the fellow then take this drollery of yours in good part ? hains . take it in good part , little bays ? why he fell a grinning immediately upon it , and looked fifty per cent. better , than when he first came into the room . nay , he was so far pleased with the quibble , that he asked my advice very soberly , whether he had best cure himself , or let his distemper run upon him . for , sir , said he , very prudently in the case , after i have once cured my self , sir , the jest will be quite spoil'd . bays . but prithee tell me , mr. hains , what remedies you us'd to make your loretto-pilgrimage easie , and diverting to you . hains . provided you 'l never steal 'em from me , i will. sometimes , mr. bays , when i overtook a covey of young silly country girls upon the road , i set up for a fortune-teller , and talked of the planets , and twelve houses , and pretended i was a person of great skill and dexterity in that mysterious science . presently all of 'em were mighty inquisitive to know their fortunes . dear conjurer , crys one , for god's sake tell me what kind of a husband am i to have ? why , says i , staring her full in the face , and squeezing her by the hand , he has red hair , and his name is belshazzer . dear conjurer , says another , can you tell me when my jealous mother-in-law will go the way of all flesh ? 't is impossible , answer'd i , for errapater himself , if he were alive , to resolve such a question as this , unless he knew the party ; besides to satisfie you once for all , i never meddle with such matters ; the stars that i have to deal with , have nothing at all to do with church-yards or burials . marriages , you know , are all made in heaven , and a man of art may as plainly read 'em there , as his a , b , c. if you please to consult me in that affair , i am at your service . bays . very pretty i protest . hains . i had no sooner spoke the words , but a pretty blushing damosel plucked me by the sleeve , and told me she had something to cummunicate , but did not care to let her companions hear it . when they were at some distance , worthy sir , says she , i have two suitors of the same age and fortune , that daily press me to marry , and i don't know which of them to chuse for the heart of me ; sometimes i love one best , and the next hour i love the other best . could you advise me , dear conjurer , what to do in this perplexity . bays . and what answer did the seven planets return to this profound question . hains . sweet heart , said i , this is a very nice business , but however , i 'll put you in a certain way , how to make your choice to the best advantage . you must rise every morning precisely at four , and go to your window in your smock ; then you must bow towards the east twelve times exactly , and no more ; afterwards turn to the west , and bow six times . this you must do for the space of fifteen days without fail ; during which time you are not to speak one syllable to either of your lovers . you must likewise all this while wash your hands and face four times a day , and dress and undress your self as often . bays . i wonder , how thou couldst banter a poor innocent creature so ? hains . when the time is expired , place a candle just in the middle of your bed chamber , and that exactly about two in the morning ; then take your lovers names written in two several pieces of paper , and standing with your face towards the chimny , throw 'em over your left shoulder : afterwards prostrate your self upon the ground , and repeat twenty ave maries : him , whose name lights next the candle you must marry , but be sure you tye him fast the sunday following ; you 'll have a dozen children by him , that i can tell you for your comfort , and one of 'em will live to be a cardinal . bays . but what other diversions did you meet upon the way , noble count ? hains . sometimes it was my fortune to meet a sullen herd of religious coxcombs , that would be wrangling as heartily about the priority of their countrymen in the almanac , as two young sober sparks of each university , use to dispute about the merits of the theatre , and kings college-chappel . i remember , i once encountered a millanese and a frenchman very zealously engaged in such a dispute . one stood up for st. carlo , the other vindicated st. francis de sales . when they were pretty well warm'd with the controversie , and some angry words had passed between them . bays . and that was no small satisfaction to a person of thy temper , mr. hains . hains . i took my milanese aside , and told him , may the indignation of st. carlo light heavily upon thee , if thou doest not revenge his quarrel . then wheeling about to the dapper frenchman , i whispered him in the ear , stand up for st. francis whatever you do , don't see him affronted , he 'll remember you for 't another day . with that the noble champions , without any more ceremony , fell to fisticuffs ; and battered and tore one anothers countenances very furiously . bays . to thy great comfort , no question , on 't , hains . when they had spilt blood enough in all conscience about so meritorious a quarrel , i interposed between 'em , as in duty bound , and said to them , come , gentlemen , you have done enough for your two friends , they 'll reward you for 't it without question in the next world ; let me have the honour to reconcile you now , and at the next tavern you shall shake hands over a bottle of wine and be friends . and thus , mr. bays , i had the good fortune to engage some two and fifty pair of pious combatants , in my pilgrimage to loretto . bays . nay , as you ordered matters , mr. hains , the pilgrimage carried but very little pennance with it . hains . one remarkable passage happened in my way thither , which i cannot chuse but relate to you , 't is so very comical and diverting . going through a certain country village , between the hours of ten and eleven in the morning , i step into the church , as they were just going to act the decollation of the baptist. bays . how happen'd that , prithee ? hains . you must know it was st. iohn's day , and the sober devout people of the parish , had built a stage of deal boards in the body of the church , for the better convenience of representing the tragedy . it was my good luck to come in , just as they were beginning the show . there was an ill-looked surly butcher they had pitched upon to act herod's part , he had a gilt past-board crown upon his head , that glittered finely by the candle-light ; and as soon as he had seated himself in an old venerable wicker-chair , that serv'd him for his throne , the fiddles struck up , and the damosel began to shake her heels . bays . with the help of a little imagination , my noble comedian , thou couldst fancy thy self then in a booth at smith-field , or sturbridge fair. hains . after the dance was over , king herod with a great deal of majesty came to the damosel , and in the following rhymes ( which the curate of the parish compos'd upon that occasion , and i have since translated ) thus complemented her ; well hast thou danc'd illustrious maid , i like thy graceful motion ; ask what thou wilt , and by my soul 't is all at thy devotion . then the young girl went , and whispered her mother herodias in the ear . after they had concerted the matter between 'em , she fell down upon her marrow-bones , and pointing at an old grave farmer that represented the baptist , she thus delivered her self . if sir , you speak your real sense , and don't your hand-maid flatter , i humbly beg upon my knees , the butcher looked about him as sternly as one of his white-chappel brethren , or as one of elkanah's passionate blustering heroes ; and taking a turn or two about the stage , to vent his royal choler , made this answer . fair cruel maid recall your wish , or let me break you of it , i 'de rather abdicate my crown , than sacrifice my prophet . the young girl continued still in her petition , according to her mothers advice , who sometimes winked , sometimes held up her hand , and sometimes nodded at her . if thus , dread sir , you break your vows , the ladies will forswear you ; or should they still your favours court , faith , i 'll ne'er dance before you . that reflexion touch'd the butcher to the quick , you may suppose ; so he bit his thumbs , and paus'd a while ; but recollecting himself at last , and being inform'd what the casuists use to say in those matters , he made this defence , for swearing is a weak pretence , o never , never speak it : a wicked oath , like six-pence crackt keep not , but rather break it . not to be tedious in my story , mr. bays , when the butcher , or king herod , call him which you please , fonnd that the damosel was inflexible , he was forced to consent to his decollation ; at pronouncing of which sentence there were more weeping eyes in the church , than there were at the first acting of mr. lee's protestant play , the massacre of paris . but however , to make the baptist amends , these civil people suffered his representative , the honest farmer , to dye with all the punctilio's and decency of a good christian ; so he went very demurely to a fat tun-bellied priest that stood in a corner of the stage , and confessed his sins to him . bays . that was ridiculous enough i must own , but prithee how ▪ ended the farce ? hains . what followed was ten times worse , for the two souldiers that had executed him in effigie , ran up and down the church , raving and crying like mad-men ; at last they threw themselves down at the confessional , with looks full of sorrow and contrition ; aggravating the cruelty of that barbarous murder , and humbly requested their spiritual guide to assign 'em some remarkable pennance for the expiation of their horrid guilt . so the priest e'en took 'em at their words , order'd 'em to go bare-foot to loretto , and i had the honour of their company thither all the rest of the way . bays . well , and what observable passages did you see at loretto ? hains . why , i saw a million of pious , lunatic fools there , of all ages , sexes , and countries , and if begging of ideots were the fashion of italy , i had made my fortune for ever . there i saw the celebrated cell , that they say has travell'd so many leagues in the air ; and the famous madona of st. luke , who has pictur'd the virgin like a black-moor . at the annunciata in florence they show you a picture of her drawn by an angel , but 't is meer vile daubing like this at loretto ; so for my part , mr. bays , i am as much prejudiced against any painting that 's said to be done by an angel or an evangelist , as i am against a book that is said to be written by a person of quality in the title-page . after i had stared about me for some two or three days , and viewed all the rarities of the place ; with half a dozen honest female pilgrims in my company ▪ i set forward for florence , and on the way thought of a certain famous story in sir henry blunt's travels . bays . what was that mr. hains ? hains . he tells you , when he was at constantinople , he saw a turkish priest sell one of his believing chapmen the merits of two years living in a hermitage for a bushel of rice , and as much english cloath , as wou'd serve to make a ianizaries coat . nay , wou'd you believe it mr. bays ? the honest mahometan theologue threw a pilgrimage to meccha into the bargain . this was fair play for you now , poet squob , was it not ? and if the catholic priests wou'd but use the same civility toward their customers , it wou'd prevent all this beating of the hoof to loretto , and save as much leather of pilgrims toes in a year , as wou'd serve to bind both the polyglott , and the councils . bays . dear comedian , let me conjure thee to make none of these vile reflections , for thou art as full of 'em as a new author is of his similies , or an irishman of his inniskilling miracles . but if you please pursue the history of your travels . hains . after i had glutted my self with florence ▪ i humbly requested the great duke to give me leave to come for england , not at all questioning to meet with considerable preferment there , partly for the merits of my conversion , and partly for the letters of commendation , which i brought along with me from princes , and dukes , and cardinals , and abbots , and the devil and all of good quality . but alas ! mr. bays , i found my self exceedingly mistaken ; i cou'd not prevail with one single creature at court to believe a syllable of my conversion , and pass'd as unregarded every where , as a broken projector , a fall'n states-man , or a begging scholar . bays . nay , you , and i mr. hains , may shake hands as for this particular ; i have writ for the church , and translated for the church , and flatter'd for the church , and libell'd for the church , nay i have own'd my self in print a rogue , a graceless rogue for the church ; and yet , mr. hains , the church never considered me . hains . when i came into any company at court ; mr. hains says one , how do you like the plays , and opera's in italy ? mr. hains , says another what think you of their harlequin and scaramouchi ? but not a word of , mr. hains , how do you like their sermons , and religious exercises , or mr. hains what think you of the pope , and cardinals . bays . at the same time , that i did all these considerable services for the church , the other party that i deserted , were continually upon my bones . they baited my hind and panther with a city mouse and a country mouse , and were so malicious to my noble beasts , as to surprize 'em napping , and so the two mice got the victory . another nameless scribbler dated my conversion in a brandyshop , and hired two unmerciful bullies of the town , mr. crites and mr. eugenius , to toss me in a blanket from greenwich to london , and afterwards from st. iames's park to wills coffee-house . hains . but this was not all : crys one , mr. hains , when will you send cardinal howard the four half-crowns you borrow'd of him ; crys another , mr. hains , when do you think of returning the pope the riding-coat and tobacco-box he lent you . fye for shame , mr. hains , crys a third , that you wou'd pawn the queen of sweden's guitarr at a bordello ; and run away with that little english you had been teaching the prince of tuscany two years ? in short , there was never a prince , or duke , or lord in italy , but they said , i plunder'd him of a watch , a snuff box , or a tooth-picker . bays . that was very severe indeed , brother hains . hains . what vexed me most was , that the very cits put their affronts upon me : just after the revolution , when there were strict orders issued out to search the houses of papists , or reputed papists ; do you mind me , brother bays ? i met the cunstable with his guard of myrmidons about him in the street , some two or three doors from my own house : good morrow , mr. cunstable , said i , what mighty business are you going upon this morning ? i am going to search the roman catholicks houses for arms , answer'd he . i am very glad i'faith then i met you so luckily , said i , for you shall go immediately with me , and search my house . search your house , mr. hains ? for what i prithee ? why dont you know , said i , that i am a papist , mr. constable ? pray , mr. hains , said he , let me go about my business , and don 't disturb me . why i have seen the pope man , and lived these two years in italy . no matter for that , mr. hains , i know you well enough . i have din'd a hundred times with cardinal howard , and at the iesuits college . i can't help it , mr. hains , but pray don't be troublesome . why don't you take me for a papist then , mr. constable ? lord , mr. hains , why will you banter one so , and make me lose time here . at last , mr. bays , this uncivil , unmannerly , unbelieving beast of a constable , gave me a bottle of wine at the tavern to trouble him no more about this business . bays . my own case , i'gad , mr hains . hains . lord ! thought i with my self , what a degenerate , profligate , scandalous age do we live in , that i cannot pass for a papist , or at least for a reputed papist ? bays . i have the very same complaint to make , if you knew all brother hains ; nay , the rabble wou'd not do me that christian favour as to break my windows . hains . i then resolved to go to an honest justice of my acquaintance , that lives at the other end of the town — bays . what ▪ to get a warrant brother hains for that infidel of a con 〈…〉 . hains . no , mr. bays , to discourse the point with him soberly , and know what advice he could give me upon the matter . when i had open'd my case to him , and — bays . told him , i suppose , what a base trick the constable serv'd you . hains . the devil take the constable for me , how he runs in thy head . really , says he , mr. hains , your case is extreamly mortifying and sad ; 't is , as i take it , a very lamentable afflicting case . shou'd you abjure all religion , mr. hains , why then you would have the same reputation in the world still , as you have at present ; now to revenge your self upon the world , you must be of one religion , or other , that 's certain . bays . very well . hains . considering the present circumstances of affairs , says he , i am of opinion the protestant religion will serve you the best of any , and considering you are a poet , mr. hains , i shall only make use of two arguments to reduce you to it : the first is interest , which a poet ought always principally to mind ; now the protestant religion , mr. hains , will qualifie you again for the play-house , or for the guards , or for any other employment about the city . the second is the fashion , which a poet likewise ought to observe as religiously , as he does his interest . these two points , mr. hains , ( for i wont urge any more upon you ) i shall leave you to consider , while i am taking a turn or two in the garden , and then expect your answer . bays . and prithee what was it , mr. hains ? hains . when the justice came into his parlour , i told him , sir , i have carefully and deliberately consider'd your two arguments , and i find by my pulse , that one of them wou'd have served the turn . if you 'll please now to give me the oaths , you 'll oblige me for ever . he did so , and within a fortnight after i testified my re-conversion in a prologue publickly on the theatre . bays . oh thou pusillanimous , abject , little creature ! thou second part of renegado sclater , how i despise and laugh at thee ? you see i keep up to my principles still ; so farewel my re-converted comedian . hains . nay , brother bays , don't be so hasty . i don't question but to reduce you with the justice's two arguments before we go . first of all , set the fear of interest before your eyes , you have been as true to that principle , i am sure , as a city usurer to his wicked principle of not lending . bays . no matter for that , sir , i have sacrificed that principle long ago . hains . secondly , consider the fashion , mr. bays , which they say you have dutifully follow'd in all the turnings , and windings of the government , from your panegyrick upon oliver cromwell , down to your panegyrick upon the prince of wales . bays . i am too far stricken in years to follow the foolish fashions . hains . if this wont do , mr. bays , consider your family . bays . that 's nothing to you , sir , my family may shift for themselves . hains . come , i know what sticks with thee , poet squob , thou art afraid of turning again , lest the censorious world shou'd laugh at thee for it ; t will be but two or three days wonder at farthest . a lampoon , a ballad , a dialogue , or so , and what 's that , thou art inured to those things , mr. bays . bays . no , sir , you lose your labour . hains . 't is but leaving will 's coffee-house for two or three days , and then saying , that baxter's winding-sheet of popery has open'd thy eye-sight . besides , who knows but some noble peer or other , may restore thee to thy poet laureat , and historiographer royal's place again , upon thy re-conversion , and you need fear no drubbing in this case ; consider of that , mr. bays . bays . you are resolved , i see , to torment and plague me worse than you did the constable . hains . besides , all the world knows , thou hast ten times more merit and title to the place , than the present usurper . then write a panegyrick , which thou canst do as fast as hops upon black and green gowns , and the clergy , all the world ever will forgive thee . burn thy hind and panther , and then the religio laici , and the spanish friar , will come in play again . but if king iames ever come in , i 'll give thee a note under my hand and seal to return to the roman church ; nay , rather than fail , i 'll bear thee company my self . bays . vvill you let me go , sir , i shall be in a passion anon — hains . but what will you do for your sustenance , man ? how 'll you spend your time ? bays . vvhat 's that to you ? perhaps i 'll write tragedies for the diversion of the town , political essays for the diversion of statesmen , amorous discourses for the diversion of the ladies , a treatise of criticism for the diversion of young authors , a treatise of old age for the consolation of gray hairs , and — hains . a treatise of patience for the consolation of the iacobites . nay , mr. bays , if i can't convert thee from popery , i 'll at least convert thee from the plague of writing . you are to understand , poet squob — bays . don't understand , or squob me , mr. hains ; i shall — hains . nay , i have you fast , you shan't go i'faith — that at the palace of the farnese at rome , there 's a celebrated piece of caracchio's , wherein there 's pictured the pope and emperour , seated in their thrones . and first comes a counsellor with this label in his mouth , i advise you two , a courtier , i statter your three . then a husbandman , i feed you four . then a lawyer , i rob you five . then a souldier , i fight for you six . and lastly , comes a physician with his , i kill all you seven . bays . wilt thou never have done , thou everlasting plague , thou — hains . even so , mr. bays , we gentlemen authors write for the gentlemen printers ▪ the gentlemen printers print for the gentlemen booksellers : the gentlemen booksellers sell to the gentlemen readers . but at last come the christmass pies , the tarts , the trunks , the banboxes , the paper kites , the coffee-houses , and grocers shops and immediately confirme what the gentlemen readers bought , the gentlemen booksellers sold , the gentlemen printers printed , and the gentlemen authors wrote . — now i 'll let you go , mr. bays , but chew the cud a while upon this melancholly observation , and write if you can . finis . the weesil trap'd a poem : being a reflection on the late satyrical fable. brown, thomas, - . approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : - (eebo-tcp phase ). a wing b estc r ocm this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) the weesil trap'd a poem : being a reflection on the late satyrical fable. brown, thomas, - . , [ ] p. printed for abel roper ... and joseph fox ..., london : . an attack on sherlock written by thomas brown. cf. dnb. reproduction of original in hunington library. created by converting tcp files to tei p using tcp tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between and available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the , texts created during phase of the project have been released into the public domain as of january . anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. % (or pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf- unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p , characters represented either as utf- unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng sherlock, william, ?- -- poetry. - tcp assigned for keying and markup - apex covantage keyed and coded from proquest page images - jonathan blaney sampled and proofread - jonathan blaney text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion the weesil trap'd : a poem : being a reflection on the late satyrical fable . — who can be secure from wrongs , or slanders from licencious tongues ? for tho geese sav'd the capitol , by cackling from th' invading gaul , and shew'd the enemy was near ; yet had they all been slanderers there the roman guard had been deceiv'd , and not a goose of them believ'd . page , . london , printed for abel roper at the mitere near temple-bar , and ioseph fox , at the seven starrs in westminster-hall , . the weesil trap'd , &c. the argument of the canto . the hare deserts the country plains to argue on weesilion's case , in his defence takes mighty pains to prove his swearing no disgrace . canto i. within a happy virdant vale preserv'd , and bounded with a pale , the sweet demeans of some grandee blest with the worlds prosperity ; where natures choicest fruits did grow , and baron buck with lady doe , with a large herd of children fawns in pleasure trip'd it o're the lawns . old * keyward , of all brutes most wise , spent a long life in rural joys ; and tho sometimes his peaceful bounds invaded were with neighbouring hounds : inveterate foes in every place to him , and all his long ear'd race ; yet his nice wisdom understood by shifts to make his party good ; with subtle turnings foyle the scent , and danger still by wit prevent ; when thousands of his tribe were slain , and yearly hunted o're the plain . in staticks and philosophy , none e're so curious was as he . in politicks too nicely learn'd , 'mongst which of late having discern'd some pamphlets written to disgrace , his dearest friend , weesilion's case . brim full of amicable love resolves from mansion to remove , and some small time in town to spend to right , and vindicate his friend . cold winter now the ground had froze , which happy time wise keyward chose ; when those that lov'd to mouth his knell , could not persue him by the smell . and now to town being safely come , unseen came boldly to the room just as the weefils , nam'd of late , left off and ended their debate : but finding by his fighing friend the visitant had been unkind , and critically had made bold to touch too near his copy-hold ; resolv'd as master of the arts of argument to shew his parts , and a grave look first putting on , urg'd by his friendship thus begun . keyward , by the concern that does displace the smiles in dear weesilion's face , and what has past between you two , i find the news i' th' country true : that for his reasons , late made known , he 's teiz'd by all the brutes in town ; horses of war , bulls , lordly cats , law-foxes , and poetick-rats , the courtier boar , fitchew physician , church - weesil , and ass politician , in railing scrowls have rent his name , and strove to blast his reverend fame . the city sheep , too with dull face , prerends to state his conscience case , as if he reason understood , or that he thought his own as good : but amongst all , it seems , your tongue has been most ready to do wrong ; you , as you were the parish mouth , rail at his taking the late oath ; and tho sound reason was his guide , dare impudently vouch 't was pride , as if the notions of his soul you could dispotickly controul , or had his conscience in your fist to turn , and vary where you list . when still , in spite of your pretence , the cause is from your want of sense , and modest patience in my friend , that gives ye freedom to contend : for had you knowledge from above to understand what he does prove , or would his wisdom stoop so low to take the pains t' instruct you how , his reasons would appear as plain , as now you think 'em slight and vain ; and you had own'd your self a brute , of all most senseless , to dispute . visitant w. tho in your nasty country phrase you throw this dirt upon my face , and cavil at my sense before , you know its efficacy or pow'r . to you and all your long ear'd rout i 'le make my late objections out ; and if three parts o' th' town can judge plainly , demonstrate t is no grudge to grave weesilion , nor his place , that makes our friends condemn his case ; but contradictions which we find in writings of another kind . keyward , if any contradiction was , 't is only in th' resistance case , which in his preface late he owns , and for the small mistake attones , with so much modesty and shame , it lays no blot upon his fame . and as to what the town declares , an unlick'd crew of woolves and bears ; their naucious senses are so vile , true virtue they can ne're defile : the ermin will be white as snow , in spite of all the filth they throw : besides to blast a sacred name on the meer score of publick fame ; and awful learning so disgrace , is equally absurd as base . but who can be secure from wrongs , or slanders from licensious tongues ? for tho geese sav'd the capitol , by cackling from th' invading gaul , and shew'd the enemy was near ; yet had they all been slanderers there the roman guard had been deceiv'd , and not a goose of them believ'd . visitant w. your subtle topick there is known , but , pray , where is the slander shown ? if i should the advantage take , because you vouch your coat is black ; and e're i can affirm it true you presently shall swear 't is blew . keyward , the truest instance will be pickt , when you can prove we contradict , 't is not by urging our disgraces , or bringing cases against cases : meerly relying on your sense , or putting off with impudence . but sollid reason must be known more than you hitherto have shown , your prentices of unknown trades , and your replys of kitchen-maids ; your weesils squeaking far from home , and the sharp scourge of whipping tom. with every other odd remark , serve but to leave us in the dark : 't is conscience must the doubt unty , and no man need to tell you why . visitant w. then conscience , by your rule , we find an ignis fatuus of the mind , instead of grace that souls enriches , it leads us into bogs and ditches , where a poor traveler that came to find streight paths out by that flame ; perhaps was farther from his inn , than when he did first begin . keyward , to two points you must conscience bring . that 's for , or else against the king ; and you may argue what you please , but 't is complyance must give ease . if you resolve to stem the stream , and to mishaps your self condemn ; your stubbornness intails a woe upon your self , and country too . now whether conscience makes amends for all the harm , i do my friends , or that i should admit the case , according to the times distress shews scope for argument ; mean time , t' obey superiours , is no crime ; and i no more ought to deny allegiance and supremacy , then i should question from whence springs the divine right of making kings : thus he to whom this sense appears , knows always what , and when he swears . visitant w. the case is very hard to clear , if a man knows not when to swear ? but wavering stands with a demur , sometimes against , and sometimes for : it seems as if he were in doubt , and wants a cranny to creep out ; or were but yet half satisfied in conscience which he calls his guide . keyward , when it 's upon the souls concern , is any man too wise to learn ? or can my care be my offence , because i would inform my sense ? how insolent would be that fool ? how beyond patience proudly dull ? that should with a vain-glorious huff affirm that he has learnt enough . that every father was a sot , and by his tenets should be taught ; presuming he had all the ground of learning from his proper fund . if you should hear such dialogues , would you not think 'em prating rogues ; and that they were more ignorant , the more they did of knowledge vaunt ? true vertue ever noted was , the fruit of wisdom and of grace ; and what a better sign can be of grace , than sacred modesty ? all the objections yet have rose , are grounded on a meer suppose ; for though you circumstances bring , you never yet could prove the thing ; but hang and draw for an offence , on meer presumptive evidence : thus like a peasant rob'd , you draw from circumstance severest law , who prosecutes without remorse one , he supposes , stole his horse . visitant w. your notions are absurd and vain , where matter of the fact is plain ; suppose could ne're a verdict get from any jury that had wit ; nor circumstances gain belief , with force enough to hang a thief . but he his fault does plain reveal , that gives it under hand and seal . keyw. that confutation's yet to know , whither it be a fault or no ; when conscience promts us , and the case alludes to union and to peace ; tho writings appear pro and con , the writer's never the worse man ; when what he does is understood , consisting with the publick good. as heaven is the state of bliss , the nearest path to it is peace ; and the best branch of peace is meant submission to the government . the vulgar are too dull to know th' intent of all the clergy do : thus some sage writings they condemn ▪ whilst others contradictions seem ; when they are really no crimes , but good and proper for the times , as those they scurrilously quote , were for the seasons they were wrote . besides , how can we e're commend a man to be his countries friend , that does not in all points agree to promote peace and amity ? which never can be planted here , whilst we believ 't a crime to swear ; or think it an opprobrious thing to own allegiance to a k — whose merit so divine appears , he ought next heaven to have our prayers . visitant w. your praise perhaps is less than due , if you said more , we grant it true ; the generous lion we must own , as brave as ever fill'd a throne : nor do we the black coats condemn for the allegiance sworn to him ; but for their kid-skin consciences that stretch for gain , what side they please . keyw. there must be a distinction sure , some may be frail , but others pure ; the sect you mean , you should make known . visit. w. troth of all sects they 'r much at one . keyw. nay , now y' are cinical agen . visit. w. sir i am troubled with the spleen ; and e're we canvase more this case pray give me leave to speak one phrase : natural religion first was plain , tales , made it mystery ; offrings , gain ; fat sacrifices priests prepar'd , they eat , and th' idol gap'd and star'd . keyw. this notion is apocryphal , but suits the matter not at all . with pagan priests what should we do ? i hope they all are christians now . visit. w. i hope so too . keyw. you cannot doubt : visit. w. nor if i should , you make it out . keyw. you rail , you rail : visit. w. yes , so you say ; i must be blunt , 't is still my way ; and have what thoughts of me you will , i 'le keep my honest method still ; which is not prone to scorn or hate , the learn'd that at the altar wait ; but only fairly to require , all those that must my soul inspire , and teach it by their rules to fly to its blest seat beyond the sky ; to make my faith more firmly grow by good examples that they show . few of the task , right judgment make of those this awful function take ; how strange a vice appears in them , that does in others nothing seem ? and tho we common frailty find , scatter'd abroad in all our kind ; yet a church weesiil's less forgiven than any vermin under heaven . keyw. what their worst vice do you believe ? visit. w. strong avarice , for which i grieve ; they love preferment , so they scorn one benefice should serve the turn . — a fault most heinous . keyw. have you none ? exposing there 's , don't hide your own . visit. w. no , i , even bacon gammon can defy , or the dear pudding crust of turkey pye ; i 'de not renounce my honour or my faith , for all the cheer my lord mayor's larder hath . scarce had the weesil time to tell , this last bravado , when a smell of luscious fat westphalia ham , across his nostrils steeming came from a close larder , which did joyn to th'hall where all the templer's dine ; the tempting scent , savoury and hot , so charm'd him , he had straight forgot his arguments , and now was peeping to find some hole that he might creep in to dine on the most luscious dish , that gratefully e're blest his wish ; which th' other two , that well did know , the bait , perceiv'd , and let him go ; when see the short-liv'd happiness that still attends on mortal bliss , a cursed cook that long had nurst a spite about some pasty crust , late damag'd , with a devillish gin of wood , and wire , snar'd him in : in vain he squeeks , in vain he tares his witty pate against the barrs ; in vain he calls the hare for aid , he of his sorrows mockery made . and knowing that his doom was near , augments his sorrows with this jeer. keyw. you that could argue late so well , and moral rites to others tell , rail at our vices and declare , how innocent of all you were , i find with frailty overtaken , and virtue batter'd down with bacon , which now a good reflection brings on the frail state of human things ; that honour , wit , religion , law , interest , can to its party draw ; and who this truth disguises best , waits but his time to cheat the rest. finis . the bookseller's advertisement . there being lately come out a poem called the anti-weesils , in the preface of which the author of the weesils is very highly arrained , his vindication against such scandalous reflections being a cause not worthy the drawing his own pen ; the bookseller as obliged to be champion for his authors , and even with his little sense being able to inform the gentleman's misunderstanding , has begg'd a blank page in this poem , to tell him , that the author of the weesils is not that enemy of the government that he maliciously misrepresents him , nor intended or writ any reflections upon it , nor thought the taking of the present oaths perjury ; or has he any ways vilisied the noble deserters of the late cause , as he barbarously suggests ; there being not one line in the whole poem that can justly be perverted into any such villanous meaning . neither this gentleman ( would he be candid , ) nor any person else ( can well believe the little rallery of that piece of banter , as he is pleas'd to call it , ) can carry any such perverse signification . and 't is almost ridiculous to think it should have the power to nettle so many of the reverend , whom ( as intended ) it should rather divert than disgust , there being nothing in it but what every man has heard a hundred times over in common discourse . 't is a little odd ( however like the rest of his preface , ) that the anti-weesilarian should be so dull , as to imagine that the naming of freeborn brute should be an affront to an english-man , when the scene is laid in a forest , and brutes are the representters . nor does he that way ( as falsly charged ) impeach any doctor of the church for any apostacy from king james , but only for prevaricating against his own formerly avow'd principles . as for his accusation of want of christianity , in relation to the resurrection of the knights templers in his th line , if the knights are not angry with him for his rallery , i fancy this gentleman might have spared his severe sentiment ; and i must freely tell him , he has more abused mr. dodwell in doubting his church , who is known to be both a learned and religious man , than the author has in his verses any of the cross legg'd heroes . as for the poetical part of the anti-wesils , 't is supposed the author of the former , if he finds it worth his while , has genius enough to answer himself ; for my own part i think i have done enough for him for this time . vale. notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a -e * the hare . hobson's choice a poem in answer to the choice / written by a person of quality. person of quality. approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : - (eebo-tcp phase ). a wing h estc r ocm this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) hobson's choice a poem in answer to the choice / written by a person of quality. person of quality. brown, thomas, - . p. printed and sold by john nutt ..., london : m dcc [ ] "attributed to thomas brown in wrenn catalogue"--nuc pre- imprints. "the choice" was written by john pomfret. reproduction of original in the university of illinois (urbana-champaign campus). library. created by converting tcp files to tei p using tcp tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between and available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the , texts created during phase of the project have been released into the public domain as of january . anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. % (or pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf- unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p , characters represented either as utf- unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng pomfret, john, - . -- choice. - tcp assigned for keying and markup - apex covantage keyed and coded from proquest page images - mona logarbo sampled and proofread - mona logarbo text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion hobson's choice . a poem , in answer to the choice , written by a person of quality . london : printed , and sold by iohn nutt , ne●● stationers-hall . m. dcc . hobson's choice . a poem . since heaven denies us liberty of choice , why should a man ( for god-sake ) make a noise ? i 'll never whine into a golden wish , nor labour after flying happiness : nor take the pains to curse my backward fate , or to the goddess fortune doff my hat : but if my fate do's lend me breath so long , to make an end of this authentick song , you 'll hear it ; or if not , i 'll hold my tongue . for 't is a jest to rail at adverse fate , a wise man's merry , do's congratulate , and will enjoy himself in every state. if he be doom'd to knighthood , or a gown , it does affect his heel's , but not his crown : for why should he have windmills in his head , because the bishop , or the king , has said , rise up sir richard , or hey-jingo priest appear , and shew the world a new-made vest ? prelates and princes too are oft mistaken ; 't is not what they , but what one's self does make one. then should a wise man mind the random talk , of those iocose and elevated folk , and so be bubbled of his native will , by which he is just what he would be still ? fantastique fortune may do what she can , she 'll leave me as she finds me , still a man ; or if she please to let me but alone , i shall be hobson then , and that 's all one : and tho' she most delights to make us apes , and gives us every day new several shapes ; nicknames us lords , and citts , and mountebanks , and makes us play abroad her sensless pranks , a wise man knows himself still under all , and ne'er forgets his true original : the man appears beneath the ass's skin ; and fortune wears without , himself within . but what if froward fortune looks awry ? why , if she be cross-grain'd , e'en so she may . what man of s 〈…〉 would care a straw for that ? 〈…〉 ur than her hate ? if i deserve her friendship , she 's to blame , and the reproach asperses most the dame. for who that sees a muse's son in rags , that up and down in rime for vittle begs , do's not with utmost indignation say , fortune 's a iade , but he 's an honest boy ? this dons , and men of quality , will own , who buy his wit , because themselves have none . mean time the bard reels on , and ne'er reflects , his poverty his liberty protects . and well he knows 't were mad in him to wish , for country seats , or landed happiness ; that prayer would ne'er obtain among the gods ; for 't were enough to set the stars at odds. his planet governs with a liberal force , and unrestrain'd , abides no stated course , but freely all about the sky it reels , as he below its merry influence feels . by heaven , i 'd rather be just what i am , plain hobson , than be painted with the sham appearance of the gaudy fortunate , who have less happiness , and more crevat . for happiness would be a paradox , if 't were enjoyed alike by wits and blocks . but various men pursue the various notion of happiness , according to the portion they have of sense , which is the gift of fate , and not to be inferr'd from an estate , no more than wisdom from a broad-brim'd hat. and yet it is the ardent wish of one , that was , belike , both bred and born in town , o that hard by i had a private seat , fine as my hopes , as my ambition great , that all the town might come and hear me bleat , and make new wishes for a fresh retreat . so wishes still vain wishes must succeed , and those again beget an endless breed , and all at last must stray without a head ; for who that has that engine on his neck , whose heft do's not the weak supporter break , would ever ramble from himself so far , and what he has not here , to hunt for there ? as if when he his wench and stream had found , his happiness would not in both be drown'd : for who can bound the cravings of his thought , when it exceeds the brims of what he 's got ? the fancied ground-plot , and the flowing stream , content him better as they are his theam , than if he view'd his disappointed face in them . then home recall thy wandring thoughts agen , make that their mansion which was once their den : there let them form domestick happiness , with less applause , but with much more success , and with inverted wit the poet truly bless . for i 'm the happy man , when all is said , who live at home , my house upon my head ; who never lengthen to a foreign wish , but size my porrage always to my dish ; and unaffected both with time and place , behold th' uneven world with even face . instant fruition cheers my aged pate , and marks of plenty shine upon my hat. tho' l 'm not rich , i have the ready mess , to stop my mouth , e'er gutts are in distress : not that i tune my speculative brain , just to the croacking of their grosser strain : but if they cry aloud , i 've bread and cheese , and they shall hold their peace for such as these . custard , and nicer diet , i forbid , and sacred pies unviolated lid. when supper 's done , i never dream of want for times to come , times which i also ha'n't ; but in the corner when i 've sat a while , pleas'd with my self , i give the world a smile , then my own pace away i go to bed , stretch my self out , and sleep as i were dead . finis . notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a -e the choice , p. . p. . and . a congratulatory poem on his majesty's happy return from holland written by mr. browne. brown, thomas, - . approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : - (eebo-tcp phase ). a wing b estc r ocm this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) a congratulatory poem on his majesty's happy return from holland written by mr. browne. brown, thomas, - . [ ], , [ ] p. printed for thomas jones ..., london : . advertisement on p. [ ] at end. reproduction of original in huntington library. created by converting tcp files to tei p using tcp tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between and available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the , texts created during phase of the project have been released into the public domain as of january . anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. % (or pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf- unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p , characters represented either as utf- unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng william -- iii, -- king of england, - -- poetry. - tcp assigned for keying and markup - aptara keyed and coded from proquest page images - judith siefring sampled and proofread - judith siefring text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion a congratulatory poem on his majesty's happy return from holland . written by mr. browne . london , printed for thomas jones , at the white horse without temple-bar . mdcxci . to the honourable sir thomas alyen . kt. & b ar . right honour'd sir , vouchsafe to cast your eye on this essay of heroick poesie , which for unmerited favours , as 't is meet , i humbly prostrate at your worthy feet ; beseeching that it may so happy be to share a blessing in your courtesie , and be protected by your loyal name from all the blasts that may it else defame : pray entertain it , for ( dear sir ) it sings the very best of war-like valiant kings ; that monarch , sir , by you so greatly lov'd , even he , that heaven kind for us approv'd : 't is he , i say , whom you so much adore , and long have pray'd to see return once more happy and safe to england's happy shoar . now , sir , he 's come , my muse his welcom sings , and in your ears his matchless praises rings : the which ( good sir ) when you vouchsafe to read , charity 's mantle o're my failings spread ; my eyes oft dazled with excess of light , my muse but dull , and narrower my sight : i might have left this weighty task to them whose nobler thoughts direct a loftier pen ; but yet , i hope , i am to be excus'd , because 't was love and zeal acted my muse. i write , but 't is , alas , with trembling hand , the praise of him that rules blest albion's land , and sing his welcom to his wisht for strand : 't is wholsom foot , tho 't is but homely drest , yet something here , i hope , may please each guest . high are my strains , my buskin'd mistress sings , the very best of men , the best of kings , in verse heroick tells his heroick deeds , whose worth all commentary still exceeds . nor can a muse , imp't with the noblest wing , sound half the praise of william our great king : so high is virtue , in her native glory , advanc'd in him , above the reach of story ; bright as the brightest star that ere did flame , a shining monument to caesar's name , a prince in fame's great catalogue more bright than all the sons of honour ere could light , a prince in prudence , and in arms more great than ever yet ruled in albion's state ; who lesser sparks of honour does out-flame , and swallows all their titles in his name : he far exceeds the trophies of the pen , a prince above the characters of men , wise as the wisest , as the boldest bold , in dangers , only , and success grown old : on whom no barb'rous enemy can confer less than an high immortal character . sir , here i must abruptly take my leave , because the printer tells me he shall have more than he can conveniently dispose within his page ; he bids me therefore close . and so i will , praying , right worthy sir , that god may still his blessings on you pour ; your lady long preserve , you heirs with blessing crown , and give you lasting joys , when you this life lay down . this comes ( good sir ) from the unworthy hand of him , who is , your very humble servant , at command , browne . a congratulatory poem , &c. rouze , rouze , my muse , and drein the from the dregs of vulgar thoughts , skrew up thy highest pegs , contemn the world , soar , soar aloft , and let thy thoughts despise to take a vulgar flight ; imp , imp thy wings with zeal , thy strains with fire , let nothing sway thee , but most pure desire ; snatch thee a quill from the spread eagle's wing , and like the towering lark , mount up and sing , to welcom home william our sovereign king. tune thy sublime theorboe four notes higher ; and higher yet ; so that the shril-mouth'd quire of swift-wing'd seraphims , come down and joyn , to make thy consort more than half divine ; strein higher still , what if i crack a string in venturing nobly higher for to sing ? reach heavens , ela then , and undecline till with a deep-mouth'd gam-ut sound again from pole to pole , it will not reach his worth ; nor find a note to set his praises forth . hail , hail great monarch , of renowned fame , we 'll wreath the lawrels , celebrate thy name , in songs transcending we'll rehearse thy story . let heavens also crown thy brows with everlasting glory . shall dutchmen , when of thy approach they hear , triumphal arches for thy welcom rear ? shall their loud cannons eccho forth thy fame ? and shall their fire-works likewise the same ? shall they with voices , hearts and all agree to spread thy praise ; and eke to honour thee ? and shall not englishmen for shame arise ? come , country-men , let 's eccho through the skyes the lasting worth of william , our great king : and make his glorious acts through europe ring : a pyramid of gold then let us rear , and on it ' grave , in characters most fair , the worthy deeds of our third william 's name , that after time it lively may remain to his eternal , matchless , worthy fame , so following ages , and generations all shall justly thee poor england's saviour call ; when they shall read , ( great sir ) how that you gave your worthy self three nations for to save , thought nought too dear , so that you might obtain for us , our dear-bought liberties again ; and free us from the yoke of slavery ; and likewise from curs'd popish tyranny . when this is told , o who'll not love a king ! so great , so good , so just in every thing ? by many wonders you were hither brought ; which strangely too by their concurrence wrought our whole redemption in so short a space , as did the slothe of human aids disgrace : those who do hold success the cast of chance , and providence the dream of ignorance , might in those miracles design discern , and from wild fortune's looks religion learn. tell us no more of caesar's fame , who , when he only look'd , he overcame : nor yet of alexander's great renown ; nor hector's glory , blaz'd from town to town ; pompey avaunt , thy trifling glories glance ; to our great vvilliam's , they 're but ignorance : and scanderbeg , that great renowned man , who from so many wars victorious came , must phoebus like , when sol does shew his face , resign his glory , 't is vvilliam's place : no , 't is not these can bear away the bell , for still our conquering vvilliam doth excel ; victorious still he grows , prevail he shall , until his foes become poor quakers all . hail , once again , ( great sir ) and let the hail through england , scotland , ireland prevail . i can't forbear , nor can i hold my hand , my pen will still persue my wills command ; then blame me not ( great sir ) i must repeat , the loyalty i bear to you the great , victorious william , my dear sovereign lord , nought can i think enough to spread abroad , your vvorth and virtue , which so much excel , all which rehears'd would many volumns fill . the time alas would fail if i should speak , of all thy virtues and thy glories great , but some ( illustrious sir ) i must repeat . clap hands , rejoyce o happy british clime , thrice happy if thou didst but know thy time , wherein thou' rt blest with blessings from above , a god of war a queen made up of love ; a king so virtuous , wise , so good and iust , a king so pious , great and valorous . and eke a queen , compos'd of grace and love , wise as a serpent , harmless as a dove ; so loving lovly , of a soul so great , that whoso loves her not , deserves the greatest hate . thou' rt blest , indeed thou' rt blest , hadst thou a heart but to improve these blessings ' yond desert . religious freedom now we all enjoy , we live secure , and nought does us annoy ; under our vines most safely sit we may , and no distractions more shall us dismay ; no more shall frantick zeal our peace disturb , nor popish thraldom more , our conscience curb ; within our temples , hymns and anthems ring of thanks to god , and praises to our king : our happy roses , and our thistles blow , our fields with milk and hony overflow . as yet we hear no drums and trumpets sound , nor carkasses of dead or'e-spread the ground ; from which god save our happy english land , and strengthen much the man of his right hand : and lord preserve in perfect union still , the little world of this our albion isle . inlarge his life who doth inlarge our peace , and let his glory with his life increase ; that being mounted on the wings of fame , this age may see his worth , the next admire his name . and whil'st we thus our weighty work persue , let 's once more pay our hails , great sir , to you. hail mighty monarch of the warlike race , whose nimble conquests time wants speed to trace . behold our angel comes , by whose bright ray darkness is fled , and light salutes the day ; welcome , thrice welcome , to the old whitehall ; thy gracious presence make us happy all . as the sun's heat replenisheth the earth , purges the blood , and gives to seasons birth : so your blest ray diffus'd within our sphere , gives vital warmth to ev'ry creature there , to providence and thee we still shall raise altars for thanks , and pyramids for praise . the church shall triumph , and the state rejoyce , and sing te deums with united voice . so shall you be belov'd by wholes , not parts , and ever live the regent king of hearts . o that my low-bred strains were yet rais'd higher , that i might still bright william's worth admire . reach then a soaring quill that i might write , as with a jacob's staff to take the height . now come aloft , come , come , and breath a vein , and give some vent unto thy dareing strain ; come mars , minerva , ay and juno too , mount , mount , parnassus , william's praise persue . the chiefest gods in their best royal state , thy matchless praises now do celebrate ; jove that shakes heaven with his angry brows , presents thee harmony , to be thy spouse ; whose father fam'd , is mars the god of war , whose mother bright , is venus morning star : minerva too presents her golden chain , and lovely ceres will make thee rich in grain ▪ jove's mighty daughters with their beardless king , from famous helicon their musick bring ; each one with flowers and lawrels rarely crown'd , whilst aroa's pleasant harp doth sweetly sound . thus , thus , the gods in all their best aray , with songs and dances crown this happy day : 't is vvilliam's praise , 't is vvilliam's praise alone , that 's thus by all that 's good and great made known : metals may blazen common beauties , he makes pearl and planets humble herauldry : but whether am i fled ? a poets song , when love directs , his praise , is ever long . awake , 't is shame , our lyons dormant lye , and all our spirits in a lethargy . rouze country-men , take hold of shield and spear , make william's foes tremble and quake for fear . let 's make those monsters that invade our land , throw down their arms , and turn their trembling hand , 'gainst those that disobey our king's command . wee 'll ransack europe , find out england's foes , and such as dare our sovereign lord oppose : let 's find those hell-hounds that so much annoy , and seek our native land for to destroy : and eke those vultures , that corrode the heart of their own mother , make her sorely smart ; that watch a season , for to give her up for to be butcher'd , by a damned pope ; or else to humble her to lewis fell , that cursed monster who rose up from hell , to be a plague , and scourge to christendom : to this most christian turk , they 'd fain become vassals ; and likewise slaves to hell and rome . let 's find , let 's find , i say those traytors out , and let them to condign shame be brought : that thus the king defie , and do adore , the filthy carkass of a rotten whore. look up , you sons of mighty ancestors ! who never bounded were by their own shores : your fighting fathers were abroad renown'd , their kings in france , and distant jewry crown'd . now give me vine ! and let my fury rise , that what my ravisht soul's immortal eyes with joy and wonder saw , i may rehearse , to curious ears in high immortal verse . forgive ( great sir ) that this aspiring flame , ( first kindled as a light to shew thy fame ) consumes so fast , and is mis-pent too long , e're my chief vision is become my song . thy self i saw quite tir'd with victory , as weary grown to kill , as they to die : whilst some at last , thy mercy did enjoy , 'cause 't was less pains to pardon , than destroy ; and thy compassion did thy army please , in meer belief , it gave thy valour ease . lo ! in a calm began thy regal sway , which with most chearful hearts all do obey ; as if no law were juster than thy vvord , thy scepter still were safe , without a sword. and let chronologers pronounce thy style , the first true monarch of the golden isle : an isle so seated for predominance and naval strength , it 's power can so advance , that it may tribute take , of what the east , shall ever send in traffick to the west . advance great sir , still let your fame be spread , as for as where the morning clouds look red : go on , go on , let lofty lewis feel , the mighty force of thy revenging steel , make , make , his flowers fade and courage reel ; nay reel he must at last , and tumble down , france is thy right , he shall resign his crown to you ( illustrious sir ) you shall enjoy your own . 't is not the tide of many reeling years , can wash the fields of gossey and poictiers ; a conscious horror strikes their bosoms still , when they survey that famous fatal hill , where our third edward's host spectators stood , wading to honour 'bove the knees in blood , and left the prince to make the conquest good . where will they sculk when they the banners view of a third edward , and a vvilliam too ? o what can't england do if she awake ! give laws to europe , and make empires shake ; keep mistress of the undisputed main , and hold the ballance just 'twixt france and spain ; and once more make her useless cannons roar , thro' both the indies , and bring back their oar ; search out new worlds , and conquer old ones too , bomb mexico and subjugate peru. beard the proud sophy and the grand mogul , these are the rays would make thy glories full . what tho' the spaniards have surrendred mons , and left it unto the tyrant of france , 't was 'cause they wanted thee for their defence . for doubtless had you but near them advanc'd , you 'd made them all toth ' tune of teague to dance , and back again in hast return to france . but this will no ways stain thy matchless glory , thy name shall still be crown'd in english story ; for we 're resolv'd ( great sir ) to reunite , and with our lives and fortunes pay their spite . come , come , you foolish iacobitish crew , lay by your malice , lest there worse ensue : oh! never plot against your prince and state , lest vengeance fell repay it on your pate ; no never think that god will suffer such , his dear anoynted ever for to touch : leave off , leave off , your dagon cannot stand , whilst the blest ark remains within our land ; joyn , joyn with us , for god is on our side , even so shall blessings still to you betide ; yet know proud foes , if you do this disdain , we will e're long your pride and glory stain , for we 're resolv'd advancc great williams fame . sure heaven has thee design'd to wound the whore , to tear her flesh , and lay her in her gore ; to ruin rome , the pope to undermine , and work his fatal downfal in due time . jehovah spirit thee for thy great work , make thee a terrour unto pope and turk : so by you then shall tyrants be undone , and all the force of hell and rome or'thrown . when god appointed kings with his own voice , and joyful people blest him for the choice ; then kingly virtues set the monarch forth , and not succession crown'd him , but his worth. such is thy fate blest isle , and may'st thou be , a blessing to thy king as he 's to thee : thou never wer 't so happy yet till now , blest with a king , before whose feet shall bow all those that hate thee , and the truths of god , if they 'll not kiss the son , shall feel the rod. too boldly ( awful monarch ) am i gone , thro' all your guards , to gaze about your throne ; yet 't is the use of greatness to excufe , the daring progress of the sacred muse : she taught the lover , love ; the warriour , war ; and is the guide when honour would go far . heroick prince , may still thy acts and name , become the vvonder , and discourse of fame ; may every lawrel , ev'ry mirtle bough be stript , for vvreaths t' adorn , and load thy brow ; triumphant vvreaths , which 'cause they never fade , wise elder times , for kings and poets made ; let me deserve a little sprig of bay , to wear great sir , on your blest holy-day . stay , speak ( o fame ! ) what triumph thou wouldst sound ; in all thy boasted flights , thou scarce hast found one theam like mine . ascend and strait disperse , ( as far as ever thou wert led by verse , or light e're flew ) my sov'reigns full renown , then rest thy vvings , and lay thy trumpet down . now thanks to heaven , that did our king protect , and him in all his councils did direct ; gave laws to vvinds , and made the seas obey , and safely home our sovereign lord convey : thanks to those barks , that brought his person o're , from the fair belgick , to the british shoar , let heavens prosper them with blessings store . may heavens still protect your majesty , and crown you with success , by land and sea ; and after death with immortality . finis . a catalogue of books , printed for , and sold by t. jones , at the vvhite horse , without temple-bar . a dialogue between two oxon scholars , to . a dialogue between the confederate princes , &c. concerning the present affairs of europe . in the press , and will be publish'd this easter term , a choice collection of ayres , for two and three treble flutes , compos'd by the best masters of musick , and all engraved upon copper plates , price , s. . d. memoirs of the court of spain in two parts / written by an ingenious french lady ; done into english by t. brown. mémoires de la cour d'espagne. english aulnoy, madame d' (marie-catherine), or - . approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : - (eebo-tcp phase ). a wing a estc r ocm this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) memoirs of the court of spain in two parts / written by an ingenious french lady ; done into english by t. brown. mémoires de la cour d'espagne. english aulnoy, madame d' (marie-catherine), or - . brown, thomas, - . [ ], , p. printed for t. horn ... f. saunders ... and t. bennet ..., london : . translation of: mémoires de la cour d'espagne. attributed to la mothe, marie catherine, comtesse d' aulnoy. cf. bm. errata: p. [ ]. reproduction of original in yale university library. created by converting tcp files to tei p using tcp tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between and available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the , texts created during phase of the project have been released into the public domain as of january . anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. % (or pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf- unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p , characters represented either as utf- unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng spain -- court and courtiers. spain -- history -- charles ii, - . - tcp assigned for keying and markup - spi global keyed and coded from proquest page images - jonathan blaney sampled and proofread - jonathan blaney text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion memoirs of the court of spain . in two parts . written by an ingenious french lady . done into english by t. brown. vtile dulci . london , printed , for t. horn , at the royal exchange , f. saunders , at the new exchange and t. bennet , in s. paul's church-yard . . to his honest friend mr. william pate , of london woollen-draper . i know no occasion wherein all sorts of people have taken greater liberty , than in their dedications , both in regard of the persons to whom the complement is made , and of the things that are usually said in them . all authors pretend to disclaim flattery upon these subjects , and yet were historians to draw great men according as they are represented in dedications , abundance of persons would pass ▪ with posterity for men of wit , who never made a jest in their lives , and for honest patriots , who were only mere fripons at the bottom ; but tho most authors are agreed to wheedle and flatter in their dedications , yet i see they are not so well agreed in the choice of their patron ; some have chose whole corporations , or societies for this office , and indeed this conduct would be politick enough , if the parties , who are concerned in the dedication were obliged to espouse the author's quarrel ; others have gone a step further , and dedicated their books to the respective countries where they live ; and lastly , some of a more vniversal spirit , have offered them to the whole world in general , without any restrictions or limitations , as it consists of the four known parts , europe , asia , africk and america , and comprehends persons of all sorts and characters , those that can read as well as those that cannot , and those that have a religion as well as those that have none at all . but the generality of writers decline this course of dedication , because bodies politick , and countries , and the world it self , as large as it is , seldom reward the author , for , as we say , what is every mans business , is no mans business , and therefore they generally make choice of particular persons , and those for the greatest part of the best estates and fortunes ; not because an illustrious name gives any better protection to a book than a meaner would do , altho this is always pretended , but because such persons are best able to reward an author , and consider him for his incense . as i never knew a bad book sell a farthing the better for having a gaudy title prefixed to it , so a good one never fared the worse because it appeared without a fine fiocco : for in short , if the world has a mind to be censorious , a person of quality's name is as feeble an amulet against the criticks , as a silver horseshoe nailed upon a threshold would be against witchery and possession ; for i am of opinion , that an horseshoe made of iron is full as powerful a preservative as the other . now i had two reasons , mr. pate , to address the following translation to your self , the first is because you are my friend , with whose entertaining learned conversation i have been often diverted , and the next is , because i can approach you without any of that ceremony and fineness , which uses to embarras a young author so much , when he addresses himself to quality , where , as he is obliged to say several things against his conscience , so he cannot assume that familiarity and openness , which makes all sorts of discourses agreeable . however i would not have you think , that i am so unreasonable as to desire you to stand surety , or ( what in a few years will become a scandalous word with us ) godfather to my translation , because i am sensible there are several faults in it ; nor yet to defend the little poetry in it , because i understand spanish no more than i do arabic , and consequently was forced to copy after the french paraphrase ; nor lastly to stand up for the author of this epistle , for then you must resolve to combat all comers and goers : all i require of you is that if any of your acquaintance should enquire either after the book or the translator , you would only tell them that the book gives a good account of a certain prince's court , who at this present writing is one of our allies and confederates , and that the translator is a very honest fellow , who between a little french and less latin makes a shift to get a sorry livelihood . i have been often reproached , and particularly by your self for fitting idle a whole year , and writing nothing of my own ; now th● i must confess a certain party amongst us has given us almost daily provocations to encounter them , yet i find they are a generation that are never to be edified by satyr , and indeed all wholesome advice is effectually lost upon them . suppose you or i should tell honest mr. partridge yonder of covent-garden , that it was not civily done of him to leave the thirtieth of january , good friday , and the twenty ninth of may all at a clap out of his almanack , and that john gadbury and he may now shake hands together , like a couple of bigotted rascals as they are , perhaps next year , ( as who knows how far a turbulent reformer's zeal may carry him ) he will leave us never an apostle in the calender , to the utter confusion of the poor people in the country , who make no other use of the apostles , but only to direct them to the next horse-race or fair. to say the truth , we have too many ridiculous follies , and divisions amongst us ever to be cured by writing , which puts me in mind of what mr. burgess , who has made all the town merry with his preaching said lately upon this argument . we englishmen , crys he , have been famous in all ages for our wars and jars , and strife and life , and so forth : why , what do you think virgil said of you sixteen hundred years ago ? even penitus toto divisos orbe britannos , i.e. the britains are the most divided people in the whole world . thus you see , mr. pate , what little encouragement a man has to write , since it is so unlikely that he should ever cure any of those distempers that are so inveterate in our climate , but i haue a more particular reason still behind , which obliges me to sit a spectator , and purely respects my self ; for as i have had the ill luck to displease the moderate party by attacquing the merits of the comprehension in my last dialogue , so i have fallen under the indignation of the criticks by being too profuse and lavish of my similes . as for the first i have nothing to say to them , because they are a sort of gentlemen , to whom i never designed to make my court , and as for the last , before i go about to justifie my self , i will tell you a short story . i happened some years ago to make a visit to an honest decayed old captain in alsatia , and his chamber was a perfect wilderness : pipes and napkins , and ends of candles , and old cloaks were jumbled all together , but what was most remarkable a loaf and a cheese lay upon his close-stool . i asked him the reason of it , and the captain honestly told me that he did it only for want of room . and this mr. pate was my own case exactly , for there were several persons in the world for whom i had a kindness , and these for want of a better convenience i was often forced to throw into a simile , and to say the truth some , of them were such sad wretches that they did not deserve to have a paragraph bestowed upon them . but now to speak a word or two in behalf of these memoirs , i am in good hopes they will be favourably received , both because they were written originally by a lady , which will go a great way you know with the ladies , and admirers of ladies , as also because they give us a true idea of the spanish court , with which the generality of men amongst us , are utterly unacquainted , and lastly because they provide an agreeable entertainment to all sorts of people : for here is rain and sunshine , and earthquakes and shows , and masquerades , and processions , and the lord knows how much history in sippits to divert the zealous admirers of stow and hollenshead : and then for persons of better palats here are abundance of political reflexions , and judicious observations , with the true reasons how this vast monarchy , which in the last century made so considerable a figure in the world , is in this become so feeble and paralytic ; so that not to flatter the work , i should scarce believe it was written by one of the fair sex , but that several french gentlemen here about the town have fully satisfied me of the truth of it . i will only take notice of one instance among the rest to give you a true taste of this lady's ingenuity . don juan , while the administration of affairs was lodged in his hands removed a poor dominican from salamanca ( which place you know a certain doctor who pretends he has received more stripes on his back than st. paul and all his brethren did , has made remarkable in story by the chimerical degree he took there ) and made him the king's confessor . he thought by this means to have secured the monk for ever to his own interests , and to have had a trusty confident upon all occasions near his majesties person : but he found himself mightily mistaken in his expectation , for this beast of a religious , soon abandoned his patron 's party , and herded amongst his profest enemies . some people , says this lady , pretend that he did it out of a principle of conscience , but as for my self i am of another opinion , il est impossible que l' ingratitude puisse jamais avoir de bons principes . it is impossible that ingratitude should ever flow from any good principle . i am sorry that this honest doctrin is not in better reputation with some people amongst us , for i am satisfied that no pretence whatever can atone for so black and ungenerous a sin as ingratitude is . i should here , according to the laudable custom of all authors , take occasion to say something in your prai●e , but besides that i will not offer that violence to your modesty , i cannot handsomely commend you , for so great a variety of learning in so much youth , but but at the expence of the city , and you know i have too great a respect for our honourable metropolis to do any any thing of that nature , or indeed without a reproach to our selves , who cannot pretend such excuses , as the perpetual distractions of trade and business . indeed if your good fortune in the world prove answerable to your merits , you may for all i know dye a richer man than gresham or sutton : but i must tell you , my dear friend , that good fortune and merit are two as different things as any are in the world . i knew a gentleman who made a pleasant remark upon this occasion . i have , said he , in my time laid out for two things , viz. preferment and a red nose , with as much zeal and application as any man in town . to attain the last i have dutifully drank my gallon of claret every night , and a dull sober sot , a neighbour of mine , with his single penurious pint has arrived to it before me : and as for the former i have wearied out my patience in waiting at court , and at noblemens levees , and yet could never stumble upon any ; and so he concluded that several men come by preferment and red noses , who never deserved either of them . after all , mr. pate , if my wishes will do you any good , i wish you store of customers , but never a poet , or courtier , or disbanded captain , or player amongst them all . may i be so fortunate as to behold you advanced to the highest pinacle of honour in the city , to furnish new matter for settle's triumphs of london , to sentence light butter and bread on horseback , to terrify sabbath-breakers , and those that forget to hang out their lights , to appear in the next edition of baker or stow , and arrive to the priviledge of sleeping in your gold chain at guild-hall chappel . in short , may you be the wealthiest , happiest man within the bills of mortality , and may you ever continue to love your friend and servant , t. brown. errata . page . line . instead of usually read generally , p. . l. instead of corogne r. groyne . p. . l. . instead of having taken the horoscope of flanders , r. having had his nativity calculated in flanders . memoirs of the court of spain . we must not expect to find in a general history those particular relations of things , that generally entertain the reader better than the history it self : but when any person is once acquainted with them , he often reflects upon them with a great deal of pleasure . i imagine i may without any flattery pretend my self to be capable of writing several secret passages , that happened at madrid from the year , to the year . however i think it not amiss to begin these memoirs from the time of philip the iv. in order to render the following discourse more intelligible , and to give the reader a better idea of the genius of the spanish court. elizabeth of france , his queen , being dead , he espoused mary ann of austria , daughter of the emperor ferdinand , and sister of him that reigns at present . she was young , of a fair flaxen complexion , her humour was lively and pleasant , and she was no less agreeable than witty . she departed from vienna , in order to go to spain●n ●n the year ● . she loved the arch-duke her brother very affectionately , and as both of them were weeping when they took their leave of one another , she demanded of him what it lay in her power to do for his service : my dear sister , says he , it lies in your powe● to have an infanta there , which you may give to me in marriage . this accident is so much the more observable , because the arch-duke having at that time an elder brother , who died afterwards king of the romans , and being himself designed for the ecclesiastic state , there was little probability that he should ever arrive to the empire , and marry , as it since fell out , the eldest daughter of the queen his sister . amongst several other persons , whom the emperor gave the queen his daughter to accompany her into spain , he chose father iohn evrard nitard , a german jesuit , to be her confessor . his extraction was mean and obscure , and he employed almost all his thoughts in the advancing of his fortune . he was of a supple complaisant temper , he exactly studied the respective characters of those persons to whom he belonged , and took care never to differ much from them as to matters of opinion . he finished his studies in the jesuits college at vienna , and there took upon him the habit of his order , and afterwards was sent to govern one of their seminaries , in which office he acquitted himself very well . when he came back again to vienna , he began to make himself known in the world , and several ladies of the court desired him to be their spiritual director : they omitted no opportunity to do him all the good offices they could with the emperor ; and in fine , spoke in such advantagious terms of him , that he was well enough contented to let the queen take him along with her . this princess was extreamly surprized at all the spanish customs , which those who came to wait upon her from the king , caused her to observe in the first days of her voyage . i have have been told that as she arrived to a certain city under the dominion of the king of spain , where the principal commodities of the place consisted in frocks , wastcoats and silk stockings ; they made her a present of a great quantity of them , of different colours ; but her major domo mayor who religiously observed the spanish gravity , despised the present , and so taking up a bundle of silk stockins , threw them at the heads of the deputies of the town . aveis de saber , says he to them in a very furious tone , que las reynas de espagna no teinen piernas , that is to say , i would have you to know that the queens of spain have no legs ; meaning , that they are so far elevated above others by vertue of their rank , that they have no feet to touch the ground like the rest of their sex. however it was , the young queen , who was not as yet acquainted with the niceties of the spanish language , took it in the literal sense , and began to weep , saying that she was fully determined to go back to vienna ▪ and if she had known before her departure from thence that they design'd to cut off her legs , she would rather have died , than stirred a foot . it was no difficult matter to assure her of the contrary , and she continued her voyage . when she came to madrid they told the king of this innocent simplicity of his queen , he was so mightily pleased at the story , that he vouchsafed to laugh a little at it , and this was the most extraordinary thing in the world for him to do , for whether it proceeded from affectation , or was the effect of his constitution , it was observed of him that he never laugh'd above thrice in all his life . the king show'd a great respect for father nitard because he was the queen's confessor , who reposed an intire confidence in him , but whatever desires she had to see him advanced , he left him peaceably in his post , without conferring any other dignities upon him , and he had unquestionably continued a long time in the same condition , if the king had not hapned to die . when that prince found himself to be dangerously ill , and saw he could not bequeath the care of his kingdoms to cardinal sandoval , upon whose management of affairs he always depended , because he was at that time extremely sick , and to say the truth , died but hours after him ; he made his will , wherein he ordered that the queen his spouse should be regent of the kingdom , and governess of the young prince , who was then four years and an half old , a he named the cardinal of arragon , archbishop of toledo and inquisitor general ; the count of castrillo president of castile , the count de penarauda , don cristoval crespi chancellor of arragon , and the marquiss d' aytona ; to the end that these six ministers should assist the queen in her councils ; and thus the king died in the month of september . b the queen resented the great loss she sustained with abundance of sorrow , but she had been still more sensible of it , if she had found her self in the condition of the other queens of spain , who are obliged to enter into a convent , when they are widows , unless the king orders the contrary before his decease ; nor was she insensible of the sweets of governing . the first use she made of her authority , was in favour of father nitard : for don pascal of arragon having been made archbishop of toledo and grand inquisitor , in the place of cardinal sandoval , the queen sent for him , and by her repeated importunities prevailed with him to quit the last of these two dignities . c he could not be brought to comply with this request without a great deal of trouble , for he almost chose rather to be inquisitor general , than archbishop of toledo , although that archbishoprick is worth thousand crowns per annum . but he was not able to refuse the queen a thing she so passionately desired , who as soon as she saw her self in a capacity to dispose of that important charge , bestow'd it upon her confessor . as she engaged her self in this affair of her own proper inclination , without consulting any thing else but the desire she had to see him made superior to the other ministers , so she took occasion to discourse of it to them , who immediately began to murmur amongst themselves . they read over the will of the late king , where they found it expresly ordered that the queen should do nothing without consulting their advice , and yet notwithstanding all this precaution of the deceased , they saw with no little concern that she had without ever communicating the matter to them , disposed of one of the most considerable offices in the kingdom , and that to a meer stranger , who had been born and bred up in the d lutheran religion till he was years of age . the desire they had to preserve their own authority , and the jealousie which it is natural for all men to have of a favourite , made them speak very fiercely in the matter : however the queen being informed of their discontent , took the true measures to appease them . the charming manner of her deportment , and particularly the obliging things she spoke to them upon this occasion , prevailed with them to lay aside their murmurs , so they agreed to dispatch letters of naturalization for the confessor , without which it was impossible for him to execute the office the queen had given him . altho all those difficulties that at first threatned to hinder the elevation of father nitard , were removed without any great trouble , yet he did not fail to raise several secret enemies upon himself , who envied his growing fortune . they beheld with a great disdain and impatience the extraordinary confidence that the queen reposed in him , for she determined nothing without advising with him , and so great was his credit , and interest with her that he durst offer to resolve things of the greatest importance , without speaking a word about them to the queen . don iuan was one of those that was the most offended at the advancement of father nitard : he was sensible that they would turn him out of all by little and little , upon this score he gave way intirely to the father confessor , whom the q. had made counsellor of state ; he then retired to consuegra the ordinary residence of the grand prior of castile , of the order of malta , and said very imperiously , that after he had seen himself president of the privy council of the king his father , he could never endure a companion that was so much his inferior . but the queen who was wholly busied in advancing her chief minister , never disquieted her self with thinking what reflections people might make upon him , so that without taking the least notice of don iuan's discontent , she suffered him to depart , and he continued a long time without visiting the court , until the queen sent him particular orders at aranjues , whither he was gone to divert himself , to come immediately for madrid upon some important affairs , which she was willing to communicate to him he was the natural son of king philip iv. and a certain actress whose name was maria calderona . he was privately brought up at ocana near madrid , and of all the natural sons that king had , he only acknowledged him , whether it were because he loved his mother better than any of his other mistresses ( and to say the truth she was the most charming person in the world . ) or because count d' olivarez procured this good fortune for him ; for 't is commonly given out that the count had a son named don iulian de gusman , whom he had a mind to own , and therefore used this artifice of perswading the king to begin with don iuan , that so he might follow his example . whatever the matter was , philip loved this young prince very tenderly , altho some people suspected he was the son of the duke of medina , of the house of gusman , who had formerly been passionately in love with the young calderona , and was in his time the most accomplisht handsom cavalier in spain , and don iuan very much resembled him . but if some persons were of this opinion , others could never believe it , especially when they considered the great kindness and fatherly affection that the king had for him , and besides reflected upon his extraordinary good qualities , which declared him to be worthy to be the son of so great a monarch . he was brave even to a contempt of all dangers whatever , gallant and agreeable , well-shaped , obliging , liberal , and a person of great honour ; he had abundance of wit , and was master of a genius that extended it self to all arts and sciences . as there is ne're a court in europe where natural sons are treated with such advantageous distinctions as they are in spain , so this prince could scarce perceive that the unhappiness of his birth did in the least prejudice his advancement ; and 't is indeed a certain truth , that we see in this country , the legitimate sons bred up with those that are not so in the same father's house , without any distinction between one and the other . but this custom is not altogether observed with relation to the natural sons of the kings of spain : for example , they never bestow the title of infante upon them , and don iuan who passionately desired to have it , used his utmost efforts to accomplish it , but had not the fortune to succeed in his designs . from the year the king had given him the government of the low countries , e of burgundy and charolois , and he always enjoyed it , excepting the time when the arch-duke leopold governed there . don iuan contributed very much towards the reducing the kingdom of naples to the spanish obedience : he took piombino and portolongone , and in all his campaigns he performed a world of actions that equally testified his bravery and conduct . the king his father having conceived no less an esteem than tenderness for him , communicated to him the most weighty affairs of state , and chose him to be chief of an assembly of the chief ministers of his kingdom . he was scarcely arrived at madrid but a council was held , where he came to be informed that the king of france was resolved to espouse the interests of his queen , to whom brabant and some other states of the low countries escheated by right of devolution , upon the death of the infant don balthazar her brother ; that his most christian majesty had published a manifesto wherein he proved the justice of his claim , and that not thinking himself obliged to consume any time in unprofitable contestations , he had turned his arms towards that side of the country ; that he had matched his troops with incredible diligence , and made considerable conquests as soon as ever he appeared . upon a serious examination of the present state of the monarchy , they were convinced that it was impossible at the same time to maintain a war against france and portugal , and that it was necessary for them to lay hold of a certain conjuncture that made a very plausible appearance ; that don alphonso king of portugal , having by his extravagant conduct lost the hearts of his people , was dispossest of the government , and his subjects freed from the allegiance they ow'd him ; that the infanta don pedro his brother had taken upon him the administration of affairs ; that things of this considerable importance could neither be begun nor ended without some disturbance , during which they must have occasion for their own troops , and therefore if it was judged expedient they should lay hold of this opportunity to advance proposals for a peace . after every one had delivered his own opinion of the matter , the queen came to this conclusion . a letter was dispatched to the marquiss de liche , who was at that time prisoner of war at lisbon , wherein he had all necessary instructions given him . in fine , he managed the affair so dexterously , that the regent don pedro listened favourably to the proposals , and so a treaty of peace was concluded on the th , of ian. . this news was entertained at madrid with a great deal of satisfaction , because the affairs of flanders grew every day worse and worse , and it was necessary to take some speedy measures to preserve it , or else to abandon it for good and all . new levies of souldiers were ordered in gallicia and elsewhere , and the queen cast her eyes upon don iuan to send him thither to command the troops ; for besides that no body was more capable of so great a trust than he was , she had observed that during the little stay he made at madrid , his aversion to f. nitard daily increased , and this reason alone was sufficient to incline her to resolve upon his removal . she was not able to indure those biting reflections which don iuan by way of raillery very liberally bestowed upon the father confessor . one time among the rest when the ministers demanded of him who was fit to send against the king of france . i am clearly of opinion , says he , that we had best send father nitard , he is a saint to whom heaven can refuse nothing ; the post wherein we behold him at present is an undeniable proof of those miracles , which he can command upon all occasions . the confessor answered , with a very melancholly air , that he was of a profession which taught him to hope every thing from the divine mercy , but that it did not belong to his function to be a general of an army . oh my dear father , replies don iuan , and don 't we see your reverence every day employed in things that are full as unsuitable to your profession . as i said before , it was resolved to send the prince with the new supplies to flanders , and a recruit of nine hundred thousand crowns , with which they furnished him out of the silver that was brought in the gallions . necessary orders were likewise dispatched to cales , and so the admiral who had charge given of this sum , set sail with eight vessels , from thence at the same time when don iuan was marching towards gor●●ne , where the rendezvous was appointed to be . the french fleet cruised upon the coasts of gallicia , and was composed of vessels and fireships . don iuan finding his forces much inferiour to the enemy was not willing to hazard all in a fight , where in all probability he could not avoid a total defeat . therefore he thought it more advised to send his troops in small bodies to flanders , where they arrived without any danger . the formidable power of his most christian majesty not only alarm'd the spaniard , but the english and dutch , who after a bloody war at last concluded a peace at breda in . and having ceast from all acts of hostility towards one another , entred into a league , in the beginning of . to oblige the king of spain to accept of one of the two alternatives proposed by the king of france , who still persisted in his offers . after their example the archbishop of triers , the duke of bavaria , the elector palatine , and duke ernest augustus of brunswick bishop of osnabruck , concerted their resolutions for the common safety , and made a league , whereby they obliged themselves to endeavour the adjusting the differences between france and spain , or else to declare war against either of the two crowns that should refuse their mediation , and act against the treaty . the pope likewise entred into the league , and a peace was concluded at aix la chapelle . but these things were not so speedily determined , but that other matters of consequence happened at madrid and other places , which strangely perplexed those persons that were interested and concerned in them . don iuan as was before mentioned , was at corogue upon the point of imbarquing himself , when he received certain informations of the death of ioseph mallades a gentleman of arragon whom he entirely loved . it was told him to his unexpressible amazement , that he had been secretly arrested at madrid about eleven a clock at night ; and that by an order of the queen written by her own hand , he was strangled two hours after . the great care they took to keep this execution private only contributed to make it spread the faster , and it was not doubted but that the queen sacrificed this unfortunate gentleman to the security of her confessor . don iuan was extremely concerned at the tragical death of a person whom he loved so well , and yet more enraged at the injury which he imagined himself to have directly received from father nitard , resolved not to go to flanders . they would never have exposed me to the puissance of the most christian king , ( says he to don diego de valasco , for whom he had an extraordinary affection ) but only with a design to compleat my ruine . they will certainly take care to keep back those succours from time to time , of which i shall stand in need , and whatsoever good conduct i may use in the management of the war , there is no question to be made , but that they will make me answerable for all the ill success we meet . you see i am now at the port , and yet they have executed a man who was guilty of no other crime than of wearing the character of my friend . what will they do then if i were once in flanders , all my friends would undoubtedly find themselves exposed to the malice and hatred of the new favourite . he searched the most plausible pretences he could think of , to excuse his going for flanders . for some days he feigned him●elf to be indisposed , and sent word to the queen that he was troubled with a defluxion on his breast , that the physicians had made him apprehend the fatal consequences of it if he undertook so long a voyage , and therefore he beseeched her to dispense with him . an alteration so little expected made a great noise at court , and gave no small mortification to her majesty and father nitard . they easily guessed at the cause , and if they had imagined the prince was no farther off , perhaps they had not sentenced malladas to die so soon . the q. ordered don iuan to resign his employ to the constable of castile , who was to go to flanders in his room , and also commanded him to go immediately to consuegra , without presuming to come nearer than league of madrid , which he accordingly obey'd . but it seems this obedience was not enough to satisfie the queen's indignation , who was so exasperated at him , that in august . she carried into the council with her own hands a decree against the prince ; wherein she represented to them the disobedience he had shown at so pressing a juncture , and the reasons which ought to have obliged him to set sail , altho the indisposition he pretended had been really true ▪ that a lye from a subject to his soveraign was always thought worthy of the highest punishments , and especially under such important circumstances . don iuan was informed of all that this decree contained against him , and he was the more sensibly concerned at this ill usage , since he had trespassed so much upon moderation , in not making a louder complaint of the death of malladas . the man that served altogether to estrange his inclinations from the queen , was a captain , whose name was don petro de pinilla , who having asked leave to speak with the queen , threw himself at her feet , and entertained her an hour in private without any bodies knowing what he said to her . it is not doubted by what happened afterwards but that he discovered something of importance against don bernardo pategno , brother to don iuan's chief secretary because he was seized the next morning with of his servants . these informations were kept so secret that no one knew the matters they contained : the marquess de salinas , captain of the spanish guards , received orders from the q. to post away with fifty of the reformed officers , and arrest the prince at consuegra ; but altho he used the utmost diligence in this affair , yet he was not able to find him . this , as it happened , did not prove unlucky to him , for don iuan had about him at that time a great number of his friends and domesticks , who would all have hazarded their lives to preserve him from being taken ; but by his great prudence he avoided the exposing any single man of them , for being advertised of what had passed he withdrew in time , and only left a letter behind him to the queen , dated octob. . wherein he spoke to her with greater liberty than he had hitherto used . he there takes an occasion to acquaint her , that he would have certainly gone for flanders , if it had not been for the surprizing and tragical death of his friend malladas , that he had all the reason in the world to believe that father nitard was the instrument and author of it , that so horrid an injustice ●●ied out aloud for vengeance against the man that had committed it , that he found himself possest with an earnest desire to contribut what lay in his power towards the removal of so wicked a man , that he humbly beseeched her both for the good of the kingdom in general , as also for her majesties glory to consent to his banishment ; that he hop'd he should never be constrained to have recourse to any other methods than those of prayer to chase him out of that place , where his presence was become odious to all the world ; that he found himself obliged to go and seek a sanctuary against the violences of this stranger , and that this was a cruel necessity for a person of his quality ; that he hoped her majesty would be pleased to make serious reflections upon the whole , and apply necessary remedies accordingly . the reading of this letter awakened all the resentment and indignation that the queen had naturally to don iuan : she flew into the greatest passion imaginable , and had made it appear in a terrible manner , if the grandees and people had not testified less inclination for her . 't was a new subject of displeasure to the queen and father nitard to see that all the world agreed to set themselves free from his ministry , and that they had the hardiness to tax him publickly with the murder of malladas , and the imprisonment of patigno . this obliged the queen to set forth a declaration , wherein she assured the world that both those persons came to madrid to execute the wicked designs of don iuan , that she was fully inform'd of the whole by their ●wn proper confession , and that she had never proceeded so far as to take away malladas's life if she had not been assured of his crime . at the same time father nitard printed and published a sort of an apology , in which he accuses don iuan with having frequently endeavour'd to assassinate him ; he spoke of this design as a thing beyond contest , and declared his own innocence with relation to the death of malladas , and the imprisonment of patigno . he pretended to give an undeniable proof of this assertion , in alledging that when the former was strangled , he was saying over his breviary along with frier bustos ; and that when the second was arrested , he was setting his papers in order in his cabinet . then he took occasion to enlarge upon the nobleness of his birth , and upon the considerable services which his ancestors had done for the emperours . this article only served to set people on work to examine the obscurity of his family . he addressed this writing to the queen , and she for her part forgot nothing that might make his attestation be the better believed . some time after she presented to the council a second complaint against the prince , charging him with having 〈…〉 flanders ; in which 't was easy to discover the high and mighty expectations with which he fed his ambition . that such an insufferable curiosity had been always punished as a crime of high treason , that it was not only necessary to examine the fault , but also the quality of the person that committed it , that the debate was about a man of design , who could by no means pretend to sin out of ignorance ; and an ungrateful rebellious subject loaded with favours and rewards by the crown ; that it was absolutely requisite to chastize him , for fear lest a connivance should authorize his wicked designs , and put him in a capacity of accomplishing them . the prince had too many friends , not to find some amongst them who had the courage to defend him ; there was scarce any thing to be seen in all manner of company but multitude of writings , the bitterness of which only served to animate the interested parties , and make them more inveterate . those that appear'd in behalf of don iuan , maintained that he was incapable of forming so mean and low a design as that of assassinating father nitard ; that if it had ever entred into his imagination , the execution of it could have been no difficult matter ; that the difference was only about a stranger of an ecclesiastic , without friends or relations , supported by a q. who ought to have abandoned him to vengeance , when she was informed of his wicked conduct ; that the best proof one can bring to show that the prince had no inclination to do any such thing was , because it was not done ; that far from endeavouring to take him off privately , he had demanded in publick to have him removed from his ministry , and that for attempting his removal , he exposed himself to all the indignation of the queen : that at the bottom , father nitard would have no reason to complain of his ill usage , since he was permitted to retire with the punishment only of a pension of crowns per annum , which he has hitherto enjoyed , besides some other private benevolences that don't appear ; that so considerable a revenue one would think might content the ambition of a simple ecclesiastic ; who was himself of so vindicative a nature , that he would fain have assassinated the prince at barcelona and consuegra ; that it was not the effect of any particular resentment which made don iuan press the queen so earnestly to send him home to his own country , being generous enough to forget any private injuries ; but that he was too good a subject to bear any longer with a man , whose rash and violent counsels might some time or other prove the occasion of a general revolution in the kingdom of spain . to this they added several other things , which i shall pass over in silence . the court and the city were divided upon this point , every one engaging himself in the affair , either as his own sentiments led him , or as he was influenced by the reports of others . nay the court ladies entred into the quarrel , and for a distinction of the party they embraced , some were called austrians , and others nitardines . thus i have given you a relation of what past at madrid , during the time that don iuan kept himself at a distance from it , and approached to barcelona . the queen was ignorant what way he took , and her disquietudes doubled upon her , when she considered with her self what dangerous effects an affair of this nature might carry along with it , especially seeing it began with so much heat . when he was arrived there he writ a very respectful letter to the queen , but did not conceal the resolution he had taken , to demand of her constantly the removal of her confessor ; he advised her to it with very forcible reasons , but they only provoked her the more against him , and she could never suffer her self to be perswaded , that she ought to deprive her self of the man in whom she reposed so intire a confidence , and for whom she preserved so great an affection . she found that don iuan meddled with an affair she had no inclination to , and that since the council which the late king had assigned her , could find nothing to except against the father's conduct , she was not obliged to gratifie an aversion , which the prince had so injustly entertained against him ; that it would be for her glory , to testifie to the world the firmness of her mind in this rencounter ; and that if she abandoned her servants at the first chimerical objections that were raised against them , it would be a dangerous matter for anyone to serve her . in fine , the extream desire she had to keep father nitard with her , furnished her with such specious reasons , that no body durst combat them . the father on his part knew not where to turn himself , he was pleased without question to see himself beloved and protected by so great a queen , and to enjoy an absolute power next to her ; but on the other hand , he was not without sensible emotions when he considered what an enemy he had to deal with : he was apprehensive of being poisoned or assassinated , and tho the council had not as yet spoken against him , yet he was not ignorant that he was but ill beloved by all the ministers . and that if ever it was his fortune to be turned out , the greatest part of the grandees would commend the courage and constancy of don iuan. these reflexions so palled his spirits , that he often went and threw himself at her majesty's feet , with tears in his eyes , humbly to beg the favour of her to suffer him to depart : but she always assur'd him of the continuance of her protection , and forbad him any more to mention that thing , which gave her so much pain and uneasiness . the prince did not content himself with writing to the queen , but writ also to the chief ministers , in such vehement terms , that they evidently saw what it was he desired to do with the father confessor , and likewise that he would never depart from his resolutions . he pray'd them to second him with her majesty , and to represent to her , of what a mighty consequence it would be to the state , to send this stranger home . these letters mightily augmented the troubles of f. nitard , his friends were afraid that don iuan would betake himself to violent methods , and his enemies had the satisfaction to consider that the prince would employ his u●most efforts to turn him out of spain . but those that beheld the whole scene calmly and without passion , judged that the queens obstinacy and the opiniatrete of don iuan , would necessarily involve the kingdom in some great disorders , where every thing would be equally confounded . the queen fell into the greatest passion imaginable , whenever the matter was mentioned to her , and finding her person to be no where else in safety , she order'd the cavalry to come to pardo , which is a royal palace within two leagues of madrid . 't is certain , that if she had had less fears upon her , she had at that moment declared don iuan rebel . she communicated this design to her father confessor , who approved of this way of procedure well enough , but others that were consulted about it , opposed it with all their might . they represented to her , that in case this was done , the prince would no longer observe any measures with her , that perhaps he waited for a favourable pretence to declare himself ; that he was brave in his own person , well beloved by his friends , and besides had the people on his side ; that less causes have occasioned great revolutions ; that there was nothing left but good usage and gentleness that could make him return to his duty , or at least convince him that nothing had been omitted to inspire him with a true sense of it . altho this advice was extremely opposite to the queens resentments , and by her good will she would never have treated with a prince , by whom she supposed herself to be injured , yet she was at last perswaded to follow this good counsel . so she wrote a very obliging letter to him , wherein she conjured him to return to consuegra , and she engaged her royal word for the security of his person . don iuan made some difficulty at first of obeying these orders , whether it were , because he was apprehensive , as he told the queen , of putting himself into the hands of father nitard , whom he had but lately escaped , or for some other reasons that are unknown : but the duke d' ossone , who was then at barcelona , spoke to him with so much zeal , and so vigorously sollicited him to obey her majesty's orders , that he submitted to his reasons , and so departed with three companies of horse , which the duke had given him for his guard . the queen having received advice of it , contrived to give him some affronts upon the road . she knew that he was to pass through arragon , and therefore she writ to the states of that kingdom to show don iuan no manner of respect , nay , even to seek out some opportunities to disgust him ; but herein she was ill obey'd . the states sent her word back again , that they could not dispence with themselves from paying to the son of the late king , and the brother of their present monarch , those devoirs that were due to his quality and merits . to say the truth , they acquitted themselves herein with the greatest zeal ; and when he approached saragossa , all the inhabitants went out above two leagues to meet him on the way . the press was so great that he had much ado to get through it , they cried all with one voice , let the king live , and the lord don juan , let him always have the better of his enemies , and curses light on the iesuit that persecutes him . every one scatter'd flowers before him , such as the season of the year furnished them with , and sprinkled him with perfumed waters ; the ladies better apparell'd than they used to be on the most solemn days , made a double lane for him with their coaches ; the air was filled with nothing but the benedictions and praises they bestow'd upon him : in a word , the joy was universal in this great city . the queen and father confessor , who received a faithful relation of the whole proceedings , were sensibly concerned , she to see the contempt wherewith her orders were entertain'd , he to find himself so inveterately hated by the people . the report of iuan's extraordinary reception spread it self as far as madrid ; and amongst several persons that receiv'd it with joy and satisfaction , there were many that apprehended some disorder at the return of the prince . in order to prevent those evils that seemed to threaten them , the regidors and other magistrates of that city assembled on the first of february . they sent four of their body to the president of castile , to represent to him the great mischief that might be occasioned by iuan's arrival with his troops , at a time when the court was so weak , and the people so insolent and disposed for a revolt ; that notwithstanding the prince was well affectioned towards them , yet he would not be able to prevent the lamentable effects they had reason to fear . the president waited upon the queen , and the council immediately met , where it was ordered to dispatch a courier to don iuan , with her majesty's orders to send back his guards without delay . he received the order , but hastened his march , making the courier follow him two days , on the third he gave him a receipt for his order , and sent him back without any answer . in the mean time that he delay'd the couriers coming back , they were alarm'd at court with the ill success of his voyage , and their uneasiness was much increas'd in the palace , when they saw him sent back without any letter . some of the lords went thereupon to find out the president , to desire him to tell the queen , that they were ready to undertake any thing in the world for her service . the cavalry was drawn up together , and preparations were making at madrid to sustain a siege , the event whereof appeared very doubtful , altho they had to deal with a prince who was only attended by horse . 't was in effect this guard that occasioned the greatest trouble ; the queen ordered the marquess de penalva to assemble the reformed officers together , with those that should offer themselves , to go upon this occasion , and tell the prince , that her majesty ordered him to send back the three troops of horse , he had brought along with him . the marquess de penalva was disposed to obey , but he demanded an order of the council royal , and the secretary of state refused to expedite it , alledging that the queen could do nothing without the council of the government , and that she had never consulted them about this affair . the queen being provoked , sent the secretary word , that he ought seriously to consider what difficulties he was going to start at so ill an exigence , and how little they were to the purpose . the cardinal arragon , the count de penarauda , and the vice-chancellor came to wait upon her majesty ; they represented to her , that the secretary was in the right , and gave the president of castile a severe reprimand for giving way by his counsels to an order that might have produced very evil consequences . they resolved at last not to take up arms ; and to dissipate the apprehensions the people were under at madrid , 't was publickly proclaimed that don iuan had sent back his guards , or that if he had not done it as yet ; yet he would send them back at the first warning . the queen having no hopes at all of seeing her self obeyed by force , betook her self to more gentle methods , to try if she could by that conduct oblige don iuan to send back his soldiers : she writ to him by don diego de velasco , who was his great confident , and the letter was very courteous and civil . the prince , who came secretly to madrid to discover the state of affairs , the dispositions of his friends , and what he might be able to effect there , very resolutely sent the queen word again , that there lay no obligation upon him to expose himself to the revenge of father nitard , therefore he positively demanded to have him turned out of the kingdom ; that after this were once done , none of all her subjects should pay a more dutiful submission to her orders than himself . this was to demand a thing of the queen , which she had no manner of inclination to grant ; the noncio borromée , the council of state , and the grandees gave themselves a great deal of trouble to no purpose to adjust the matter . in the mean time the prince appeared so firm in his resolution , that all the world judged it would go very happy for the confessor , if he could escape with his life . he himself was sensible enough of the danger he was in , so he redoubled his importunities with the queen to suffer him to depart . she returned him no answer but by her tears and sighs , insomuch that he chose rather to expose his own life to the utmost extremity , than disoblige her by leaving her service . news arrived , that the prince was come with his troops to torrejon-dardos , which is but four leagues from madrid . those that were of the queens party were mightily disquieted at it , and she her self was more afflicted than the rest . they heard her several times repeat these words , oh heavens ! this good father will be the first sacrifice . the council of the government met , and desired the nuncio to carry don iuan the letter the pope had written to him , wherein he conjured him to preserve those sentiments of respect and submission for the queen , which a subject ow'd his soveraign . the nuncio went to find him ▪ and came back about midnight . no body almost in this great city went to bed , but attended his return with impatience , for they knew the occasion of his journey ; and the people ran up and down the streets in great bodies , asking each other who they were for . the news the nuncio brought back with him did not at all please the queen , he told her that he had earnestly requested the prince to go to guadalajara , or at least to stay where he was a few days , that new measures might be taken to satisfie him , but that the prince refused both the one and the other , and said , that if on the monday following the co●f●ssor would not go out of the gate , he would throw him out at the window , and enter madrid on purpose to put it in execution . it was afterwards known , that this negotiation passed after another manner , viz. that the prince had agreed to let father nitard be with the queen , provided she would grant some advantages to him which he proposed ; but that the nuncio , who had no kindness for the father , was resolved to break the treaty all to pieces by concealing the favourable inclinations of don iuan. father nitard was informed of all that happened , he confessed the queen the next morning , and afterwards threw himself at her feet , beseeching her not to expose him to the outrages which he might expect to suffer from an incensed prince , that his life was at stake , and that there was no other way to preserve it , but by submitting to the present necessity . the queen answered him with abundance of tears , that she was not able to consent to his removal , that he should not disquiet himself at all , for she would take care to set things to rights again . he was well enough satisfied of her own good will for him , but he questioned whether her power answered her inclinations ; nevertheless he resolved at last that he would be torn in pieces by the people , before he would leave madrid without her order . so he tarried with her , having all the apprehensions upon him that a man , who every moment expects his death , can be capable of . these affairs came to this upshot at last , that on monday the th of february , the great court of the palace was filled with numbers of people of all conditions , who in a disorderly manner , that was not easie to be suppressed , loudly demanded to have the confessor discarded without any more delay , that no body was ignorant of what don iuan had said to the nuncio , that the city would go near to be exposed to plunder and desolation for the sake of a jesuit who was a stranger , and had no other merit to recommend him but his pleasing the queen . the duke d' infantado and the marquess de liche seeing such a vast multitude assembled together , ran to the queens apartment , who was then in bed : she had not closed her eyes all night long , and had not enjoyed one moment of rest , having it seems received some information of what had past . one of her ladies , whose name was donna eugenia , was upon her knees by her to comfort her in these extremities . alas , said the queen to her , what signifies my grandeur , and these high titles they give me , since i am not allowed the liberty to keep the good man any longer with me , upon whom the consolation of my life depends ? there is never a lady in spain but has the priviledge of keeping her chaplain , and no body finds fault with it . but i am the only woman in the kingdom , that is persecuted upon this score , and whose confessor must be taken away from her by force . the council sate immediately because the disorder still increased in the city , and it was to be feared that it would augment more and more . some of the ministers , who were in the queens interests , were for finding out some expedient to hinder the departure of father nitard ; but others pretended there was no room left for an accommodation , and said that if the business was any longer delayed , all would be lost : that don iuan would soon enter madrid , and then friends and enemies would fare alike , that their debate at present was only about a poor ecclesiastick , whom the people hated even to madness , and never mentioned without the bitterest execrations , altho at the bottom he never deserved them , and was an honest man. her majesty happening to be in bed , when the duke d' infantado , and the marquess de liche demanded to speak with her , they could not see her , because it is the custom in spain for no body to go into the queens chamber when she is gone to bed. so they went to the cavacuela , which is a place under ground belonging to the palace , where the * secretaries of state abide . they spoke to don blasco de loyola , and would have given him a memoir to deliver to her majesty ; but the great haste they made in running up to the queens apartment , and afterwards in hurrying down stairs again to the privy council , together with the great ado they made to get in , caused several persons that met them , to follow after them , so that when they entred the chamber where the ministers were assembled , to inform themselves of what had past , * they found a great rabble of people who entred along with them , and began to cry out all together , deliver us from the iesuit , and send him packing . the ministers continued a while surprized , and looking upon one another , while the rabble renewed their importunities , adding at the same time some menaces against those that should offer to stand by the father confessor . without demurring any longer upon the matter , they resolved to send don blasco de loyola to wait upon the queen with a decree , with which they entrusted him . he brought her word that the council had determin'd that father nitard should depart madrid within three hours warning . the order was already drawn and the queen discovered no emotion in reading it ; she signed it with great steadiness of mind , and without shedding one tear ; but being desirous that her confessors removal should not seem to be extorted by force , but that he made an honourable retreat , she procured an order of leave to be drawn up in these words , whereas f. john everard nitard , of the society of jesus , my confessor , minister of state , and inquisitor general , has humbly intreated me to give him leave to withdraw himself out of these kingdoms ; altho i am fully satisfied not only of his integrity and his other good qualities , but also of the great zeal and application wherewith he has always served the crown ; yet nevertheless upon the account of his earnest supplications , as well as for divers other important reasons , i have given him my permission to go where he pleases : and since i desire that this may be done in a manner that is suitable to his merits and dignity , i have ●hought it expedient to give him his choice of going in the quality of embassador extraordinary either to germany or rome , with all the emoluments and advantages that belong to that charge . given at madrid the th of february , . as soon as don blasco was gone , the queen using no farther violence with her self to keep in her tears , shed them very plentifully , and casting herself upon the bed with all the grief imaginable cryed out incessantly , alas ! alas ! to what purpose is it to be a queen and regent ! on the other hand the council commanded the cardinal of arragon , and the count de penaranda to go and acquaint father nitard with the order her majesty had signed . he who had long expected this tempest , seemed not to be surprized at the news , but was perswaded by the nuncio's importunities not to go to council as he had designed , for he told him the people were so highly incensed against him , that he would infallibly run the risque of being torn to pieces , if he offer'd to shew himself . the superiors of the jesuits were come to wait upon him to prepare him for this fatal stroak . the admiral of castile came thither also , telling him with great fierceness and that freedom of conversation , that so peculiarly distinguishes persons of quality from others , that he had drawn all these misfortunes upon himself by his own ill measures , which he there particularly enumerated to him . the father who had been never accustomed to these reprimands , replyed that this discourse was not fit for an inquisitor general to hear before all the world . when the cardinal of arragon arrived , he found the father extremely afflicted . the necessity of parting immediately without so much as taking leave of the queen his mistriss toucht him to the quick . the cardinal was not able to refrain tears at beholding it , whether from a consideration of the incertainty of humane affairs that have no sure foundation , or else from the particular esteem he always had for him . he offer'd to furnish him with a thousand pistols for his voyage , and the count de penarauda with letters of exchange for thirty thousand ducats , but he would not accept of them , saying , that as he came thither a poor ecclesiastic , so he knew well enough how to depart from thence under the same circumstances . the cardinal comforted him as well as he was able , and told him that he would accompany him to fuencaral , then he withdrew to leave him at liberty to set his own things in order , and towards the evening came to take him up in his coach , which was well guarded : he asked him immediately whether all his things were ready , i have no other things , replies the father , save only my habit and breviary , so they departed , being accompanied by all the officers of the inquisition . as soon as ever the people saw father nitard , they fell a crying and throwing stones at him , and followed him with curses and imprecations : it happen'd well for him that he was in company with a person of the cardinal's dignity , for otherwise he had been exposed to the fury of the rabble . the grief that so rude a treatment possest him with , obliged him several times to say with tears in his eyes , that god had now tryed him by throwing him into this furnace of tribulations , and that he should be very happy to be found good alloy . as he passed through the streets , he said to the people who pursued him with contumelious reproaches , farewel my children , farewel , i am a going . he was not willing to accept of the embassy to rome , altho the queen writ a very obliging letter to him at fuencaral , and reiterated the offer to him . she sent him two thousand pistoles for his voyage to rome , some precious stones , and an augmentation of two thousand crowns by way of pension . when he was gone , his domestics found a hair-cloth and some disciplines in his cabinet . when there was now no longer any fear of displeasing the father confessor by showing respect to don iuan , every one went to see him at consuegra , and testified their zeal for him . he wrote to the queen to thank her for sending away his inveterate enemy , as well as that of the state , and pray'd her to give him leave to come to court , and kiss the kings hands . but instead of granting him that request , she order'd him to retire a dozen leagues from madrid . he was sensibly toucht at this unexpected severity , and complained of it as of a sort of banishment . nevertheless this did not hinder him from demanding by letters , as well to the queen as the council , to take the public good into their consideration , and to fill father nitard's places with persons that were capable of discharging them well : he represented to them , that those dignities ought to be taken from him , since it was equally as important a matter to hinder him from coming back again into the kingdom , as it was necessary to make him leave it . he demanded also that they should take away the place of president of castile from the bishop of placentia , since he was the man that issued out the decree , by virtue of which malladas was strangled ; and that the marquess d' aytone , his capital enemy , should no longer have the liberty of passing his judgment in those affairs that concerned him . the queen was very much offended at the manner wherein the prince wrote to her , and yet more enraged at what had happened , sent him a very unpallatable message , and order'd him forthwith to discharge his guards , as he had engag'd to do . he complained of this to the cardinal of arragon and the nuncio , giving them as well as the queen to understand , that he could not part with his friends that accompanied him , till such time as he was certainly informed that father nitard was out of the kingdom , because he had still reason to fear some mischief from that quarter . hereupon the council met , and judged it convenient that the cardinal should go to guadalajara , to engage the prince to comply with the queens desires ; he consented to it at last and dismist his guards , after the cardinal had managed a sort of a treaty between that princess and don iuan , by which she confirmed him in the government of the low countries , and passed her word that the father confessor should quit his places ; that the president of castile and the marquis d' aytone should not meddle with the cognizance of those things wherein the prince was concerned ; that as for himself , he might settle whereever he thought convenient ; that they would take particular care to ease the people of their grievances ; that no body should be admitted to any of the military orders of castile , who had not served ten years by land or by sea ; that the pope should be the depository of the queens word for the security of the prince . there were many other articles besides these , but not of the same weight and consideration , all tending either to the satisfaction of don iuan , or the ease of the people . he forbore making his usual remonstrances till the month of may , at which time he received information that the queen was setting on foot a regiment of guards for the kings service , whereof she had made the marquis d' aytone collonel . he wrote very sharply to her about this matter , and represented to her , that it was against the custom of the kings of spain to have any other guards but the inhabitants of madrid , that this regiment would be an everlasting reproach to the city , and would occasion abundance of ill effects , which he there enumerated at length . it is worth the observing , ( and i could not forbear to take notice of it ) that in this same letter he complained , that the queen did not answer him with her own hand ; but used that of the cardinal of arragon , under pretence that she was troubled with a megrim ; telling her in plain down-right terms , that a man of his rank and quality was not able to bear such a contempt . the world may learn from this remarkable passage on what grounds the natural sons of the kings of spain pretend to stand . all the courts of judicature as well the chief as the subaltern , the body of the city and the people made several remonstrances to the queen , to hinder the setting up this regiment in madrid , but to no purpose . in fine they importuned her so often upon this score , that she signed an order , by which she prohibited them to speak to her any more about it , and so without any more delay she compleated the regiment . she afterwards commanded don iuan , under very rigorous penalties , to remove from guadalajara : he obeyed her orders with a great deal of respect , altho he was in a condition , by the the help of his friends , that were come to him from arragon and other places , to do what he pleased ; the report ran , that he was coming within a little distance of madrid , and this gave several persons abundance of uneasie thoughts . to pacifie their spirits , the queen wrote to him and desired him to repair to arragon , in the quality of viceroy and vicar-general of the kingdoms dependant upon it . this order affected him with a very sensible joy , and he took care to testifie it by the thanks he returned the queen , to whom he writ a very large letter , desiring her majesty to consider seriously of the education of the young king. in it he represented to her the great consequences of it , as being a man , that was master of a great deal of wit and honour . he wrote likewise to the pope on the th of iune , to conjure him to oblige father nitard to quit his offices . in the mean time some of the queens enemies set about a sham decree , wherein she gave orders to the council to disarm the people immediately , and return their arms into the common hall. it was an easie matter to perswade the world that this was her real intention , and indeed this pretended innovation so far estranged the peoples hearts from her majesty , that they were just upon the point of making an insurrection . this reason joined with the horrible disorders that were committed by the regiment of the scambergues ( for so the people nick-named them because they were clad a la francoise , and the spaniards copied this mode from m. de schomberg ) this reason , i say , obliged the council royal to present another remonstance to the queen , wherein they desired her to send these new soldiers to the frontiers ; but she did not think fit to comply with their requests , because she imagined this body of military men would keep the city in awe and subjection . don iuan was now at saragossa , beloved by the nobility , and adored by the people : the queen could never forgive him the irreparable injury he did her , in forcing her to part with her confessor , who made but a sorry figure at rome , so that by way of raillery it was frequently said . that the queen of spain had so invincible an aversion to the spaaiards , that she would never consent to the ruine of father nitard , till he was naturalized a spaniard . but however she still preserved so great an esteem and affection for him , thatshe employed her utmost endeavours to procure him a cardinals cap. for this reason she gave secret orders to the marquiss de s. romain , her ambassador ordinary at rome . this soon came to be known at madrid , and the news alarm'd the people exceedingly , every one apprehending that if ever the father confessor was made cardinal , he would certainly by those steps come back to spain , and they were all perswaded that the queen maintained the regiment of the schombergs for no other end , but only to favour this design . the council being really afraid lest the intrigue should succeed , bethought themselves of some means to defeat father nitard in his pretensions , and for that purpose they dispatched a courier to the marquess de s. romain to propose to the pope some other subjects of spain , who better deserved the purple . the queen made as if she consented to the busine●s , but under hand renewed her orders : but the ambassador , who was no friend at all to the jesuits , managed his affairs so prudently , that his holiness rejected father nitard , and besides obliged him to resign his other places . the general of his order , whom he had formerly neglected , and who for that reason owed him a great deal of ill will , thought he had now an opportunity in the reverse of the father's fortune to pay the debt , so he sent him immediately to one of their houses near rome . he retired thither with a spirit of moderation that was very exemplary , and of all his train he kept no one with him but friar bustos his companion : behold here a continued series of thunder claps one upon the neck of another . this harsh usage appeared so terrible to the poor queen , who did not in the least question the success of her negotiation , that she fell sick of a tertian ague , which continued a long time upon her . 't is easy to believe , by what i have already related , that her resentments became more violent than ever against don iuan : from her natural disposition she was inclined to make him him responsible for every thing that gave her any disquiet , and when she saw at the same time the bulls for the charge of inquisitor general arrive at madrid , she did not doubt but it was all of the prince's doing . in fine that place which she had seen so deservedly filled by father nitard , was possest by don antonio balladores , president of castile ; and father nitard for his part continued still near rome , but subject to all the ill treatment , with which the general of his order thought fit to mortify him . the queen was not able to endure , that a man who had formerly enjoyed so great a share in her friendship and confidence , and who had governed the whole monarchy of spain so absolutely should continue exposed to all the resentments and caprices of his general , therefore she employed all the credit she had at rome to place father nitard in another condition . clement ix dying in the month of december . cardinal altieri was chosen pope , and took upon him the name of clement x. the queen , who did not doubt but that this pope would bestow a cap upon her confessor , named the father to be ambassador extraordinary of spain at his holiness's court , an employment which she had formerly offer'd him , when he departed from madrid , and which he was not then willing to accept of ; she procured leave for him to return to rome , and in fine , managed this affair with his holiness so successfully , that father nitard was created archbishop of edessa . she continued to sollicit his promotion with a great deal of vigour and application . the pope being thus importuned , made him cardinal priest in the month of april , and gave him in the month of august following , the title of st. bartholomew d' isola , and gave him a place in the congregations . this news filled the queen with a very sensible joy , and all those persons who were of her party did not fail to compliment her upon this occasion . the new cardinal writ a very obliging letter to don iuan in hopes that this civility would draw another from the prince , and that finding by this correspondence a means to reconcile himself to him , he would at last consent to his return into spain . but he was mightily mistaken in his project , for don iuan sent him no answer back again . cardinal nitard seeing that the prince still continued his aversion to him , laid aside all hopes of going to madrid , till the time of the king's coronation . but since what i have written concerning cardinal nitard , has insensibly led me to the time of don fernand de valenzuela , i think my self obliged to speak of him . he was originally of the city de ronda in the kingdom of granada , and was supposed to be an hidalgo , that is to say a gentleman , and not a cavallero . for they make this difference in spain between a cavalier and a gentleman , that the former is descended of an ancient family , or at least allied to some illustrious house , and pays neither taxes nor tribute , whereas the latter is exempt from nothing , tho he perhaps has acquired the quality of a gentleman . valenzuela came very young to madrid , where the duke de l' infantado took him for his page , when he went ambassador to rome . he was handsom and well-shaped , of an agreeable meen , had a great deal of wit , loved his studies , and was naturally a poet. the character of his verse was tender and passionate , there are several pieces of his to be seen that are composed after this fashion , and among the rest some comedies which he caused to be represented for the diversion of the queen mother , at the time when he first began to have the honour of being in her good graces . the duke de l' infantado being returned out of italy , made don fernand knight of st. iago . 't is by this means ordinarily that great persons begin to recompence those of their domestics , for whom they have the greatest consideration . but he received nothing else but this bare title for the many years service he had waited upon his master , because it so happened that the duke died , before he did any farther kindness for him . he found himself therefore all at a blow destitute of a protector , and so miserably poor , that he was obliged to become passean●e en corte , which is as much as to say , a man that lives by his wits . to say the truth , he was master of very happy talents , which put him in a condition to accomplish every thing he undertook , so that after he had seriously examined with himself the meanness of his fortune , he imagined the best conduct he could use to advance it , was to make himself acquainted and known to some persons , that were particularly devoted to the interests of the queen . he searcht out means to effect this design with so continued an application , that at last he found access to father nitard ; he chose him immediately for his patron , and indeed could not have pitch'd upon a better ; and soon insinuated himself into his favour by his exemplary submission and diligence . the father taking notice that he wanted neither address nor wit , and besides that he was capable of keeping a secret , communicated to him some of his own , and afterwards entrusted him with those of the queen , acquainting him with the resentments she had entertained against don iuan of austria . he knew very well what advantages to make , both of the discovery that was made him , and of the favourable disposition of the father confessor , and rendred himself so necessary to him that he could not almost be a moment without him . this obliged him to give him admission into the palace , whether he often came to give him on account of the several things he had intrusted him with . as soon as ever valenzuela was introduced into the palace , he lost no time there , but improved all his favourable moments to the best advantages ; he plaid very well at cards , and being informed that amongst the other women that waited upon the queen , there was a german lady , whose name was donna eugenia , in whom her mistress intirely confided , he presently resolved to use all means to see her : he walked often under her chamber window , and being an handsome agreeable young fellow , she for her part failed not to take due notice of him . in short they spoke to one another , he pleased her at least as well as she pleased him , she gave him leave to galantear her , for that is the fashionable word with them there , when any person devotes himself to the service of any of the court-ladies : and 't is a thing so common among them , that altho a man is married , yet he does not forbear to treat his mistress in publick with all those ceremonies , that are usually paid to the lady , whom they design to marry . donna eugenia did not receive the testimonies , that young valenzuela gave her of his passion with the least coldness or indifference , and he pursued the point so vigorously , and prest her so earnestly to consent to marry him , that she discoursed the queen about it . her majesty had already taken notice of him , and he had the good fortune not to displease her , so that to tye him the faster to her interests she consented to let him marry her favourite , and afterwards bestowed a gentleman querry's place upon the new bridegroom . about this time the differences between the queen and don iuan daily increased , and as don fernand was a man of address enough to sound the bottom of any intrigue , so he did not omit to do the queen all the useful services that lay in his power . she beheld his zeal with a great deal of pleasure , and took him so far into her consideration , that she daily gave him some fresh assurances of her confidence . father nitard placed all this to his own account , and voluntarily contributed to valenzuela's advancement , because he looked upon him as his own creature : but tho fortune now began to dese●t and leave him , yet she absolutely declared her self in favour of valenzuela , about the time when don iuan returned from arragon to castile , and caused the father confessor to be turned out of spain . valenzuela continued the queen 's sole favourite without any spy upon him , for the prince returned back to saragossa in quality of vicargeneral of the kingdoms of arragon . the queen was so extremely perplexed and mortified by the removal of father nitard , and her enemies knew so well to make their advantages of it , that it was some time before she could tolerably recover herself from the impression that so rude a shock had made upon her : but having considered the necessity she lay under to have a faithful person near her , whom she might entrust with her most secret affairs , she cast her eyes upon valenzuela , who for his part still continued very much amaz'd at the misfortunes of father nitard . one day the queen spoke to donna eugenia to bring her husband with her privately towards the evening , because she had a mind to discourse with him alone : donna eugenia who wanted neither wit nor ambition , was transported with joy to think that valenzuela was going to have such particular conversations with the queen , and exactly obeyed the orders she had received . the first time he entred into the queen's chamber , he was very cautious and fearful , for he came armed with a broquel , which is a sort of a buckler , that they generally carry with them in spain , when they go to a place where they apprehend any danger : his hair , that was very fine and delicate , he had tyed up in a ribbon knot , he had not his golilia on , for 't is the fashion there to leave them off at night , in short he forgot nothing that might render himself charming and agreeable to the queen . she appeared in a deshabille that sate much better upon her , than the widdows habit she wore in the day time , which very much resembles that of a religious woman . valenzuela threw himself immediately at her feet , and after he had returned her his most humble thanks for the great honour she was now pleased to do him , he assured her , that his blood , his life , in a word every thing that lay in his power was so intirely resigned to her service , that he had the presumption to believe none of all her . subjects was devoted to her majesty , after so particular a manner as himself . the queen gave credit to his words , and after this meeting scarce a night past over his head , but she caused him to come privately to her apartment . his wife always conducted him thither , and the queen ordered her to be present all the while to take away all suspi●ion and umbrage . here it was that he gave her a particular account of every thing he knew , and informed her of all the most secret intrigues that were carried on in court or city , of the designs of don iuan , of those lords that were of the prince's faction , of the measures that were taken against her , so that she knew all the most private affairs , altho to appearance she spoke with no body . it was commonly said at court that there was a duende in the palace , that is to say a familiar spirit , that acquainted the queen with all the news , and secret designs : but some time after when it came to be publickly known , that valenzuela was this esprit folet , this familiar spirit , he was usually called el duende de la reina . the affection she had for him encreased to such a degree , that all the world knew it , and the courtiers all endeavoured to please the new favourite : no favours were to be obtained but through his intercession , and the credit of the other ministers sunk so low that they stood only for ciphers , so they began to murmur amongst themselves . to what purpose was it , said they , to remove father nitard and send him away , since a new favourite is started up , that succeeds him in his place , and acts with more authority than the other ever did . this good fortune of valenzuela occasioned him a thousand enemies , they spoke of the q. with all the freedom and liberty imaginable ; both grandees and people made no scruple of saying in publick that a young ignorant favourite without fortune or merit governed all spain , and that it was a shame to endure it . the q. being informed of what was said , resolved to advance valenzuela's fortune without delay , to the end that he might feel the good effects of her protection , before they were able to hurt him . upon this consideration she gave him the charge of master of the horse , without having any regard to the custom , by which she was obliged to concert it with her ministers , as is the way in spain , when they are going to dispose of any considerable post , because she apprehended they would have opposed her designs ; so that without entring into any manner of consultation ( that is the usual term in spain ) she ordered his commission to be dispatched . the marquess de castel-rodrigo who was at that time master of the horse , opposed it with all his power , and peremptorily refused to give him admission into that place , alledging abundance of very disobliging reasons against the pretensions of don fernand , and particularly that he had no title to make him hope so great an honour . the queen removed that difficulty very easily , for she created him marquess de san-b●rtolome de los pinares . when the world observed so advantageous an alteration in the fortune of valenzuela , no b●dy questioned but that he was a valido , that is to say a favourite . the report immediately spread it self through all spain , attended with some circumstances that deeply concerned her majesty's reputation , but she made no account of them ; whether it were , because she thought those persons not worth her consideration that had the boldness to talk so freely of her , or because she had some particular reasons to herself not to alter this conduct . some time after , the marquis de castel rodrigo , master of the horse , happened to die , and the queen bestow'd his charge upon valenzuela : if the grandees formerly murmured when he was advanced to a less considerable post , 't is an easie matter to imagine the excess of their dissatisfaction and jealousy , when they behold him settled in a place , which all of them could have wished to have enjoyed , and of which they believed themselves to be infinitely more deserving ▪ but they ceased to make any farther clamours about this business , when they found they had a subject to talk of that was a great deal more surprizing . her majesty made valenzuela a grandee of spain of the first class , with a double gold key . at this piece of news all people looked upon one another , and continued mute for some time , not being able to express the astonishment they were in . the lords as they met one another said nothing else but valenzuela made a grandee , o tempora , o mores : in fine the queen declared him her sole favourite , so that he issued out all orders for her as chief minister , or to speak more properly , as an absolute master . no body was surprized at this new honour that arrived to him , for they made no question , but that after such strange unaccountable beginnings , he was marked out and designed for the ministry . being elevated to so eminent a post , he wanted nothing but some friends to help and support him , if it ever should be his ill fortune to make a wrong step . and it was no difficult matter for him to effect it in so advantageous a scituation , where all favours , all the mony , all the the offices and benefices were at his intire disposal . but as soon as ever he procured a favour for any ●ingle grandee , he at the same moment disobliged above twenty more , who from that time dated themselves his mortal enemies , and heartily wished his ruine , because he did not prefer them : so that he was often heard to complain and regret his fate , for that he could not satisfy all the world , and as the number of his friends was infinitely inferiour to that of his enemies , so the latter began to cabal against him , and think of some way or other to oblige don iuan of austria to return , out of an expectation that he was the fittest person to remove this universal grievance , this new creature valenzuelae . this cabal of malecontents increased so mightily , that there was almost nothing to be seen but pasquils , lampoons , and satyrs both in prose and verse against the queen and against him . nay they had the boldness to give out , that he hindered her majesty from recompencing the services of several persons , who otherwise might have expected considerable employments . in short , their insolence proceeded so far , that one night very near the palace , they hung up the portraiture of the queen with valenzuela . he had at his feet all the marks that represented his several places , a sword for constable , an anchor for admiral , a golden key for gentleman of the bed chamber , a collar of the fleece for knight of that order , and so of the rest . he pointed at all these things with his hand , and below was written este se vende , that is to say , all this is sold. and the queen leaning her hand upon his heart with this inscription yeste se da , that is to say , and this is given : the report ran very strong , that he sold all office ; and dignities at high rates , at which some persons of the highest quality were extremely offended , and his avarice drew upon him abundance of enemies . but what is still the most remarkable is this , that all these various reports made not the least impression on the queen . she said that her rank placed her above these little contumelies , and that she should be angry with her self if she were capable of being disquieted at such miserable reproaches , that were so infinitely below her indignation ; that the most effectual way to punish and extinguish these licentious abuses was to take no notice of them , that the reason why they were so inveterate against the marquess de valenzuela proceeded only from their envy , that she was resolved not to abandon and sacrifice one of the best subjects that the king her son had , to gratifie the insatiable humour of some malecontents that were never to be satisfied . so that now it was apparent , that all the methods they took to destroy this favourite , served only to confirm him so much the deeper in the affections , and good graces of the queen . nevertheless he used all possible means to procure the good will of the people , he took care that madrid should be always plentifully supplied with provisions , necessary for life ; and that all sorts of commodities should be sold at cheap easy rates . he often entertained the city with bull feasts , where he generally made his appearance in a black habit , embroidered over with silver , and wore black and white plumes , as being in second mourning , because the queen was a widdow : but as soon as ever he entred the lists , and according to the custom of those that design to combat the bulls , came under the queen's balcony making her a profound reverence and demanding permission de taurear , ( as they call it there ) she sent a messenger to forbid him to expose himself . 't was observable in one of these courses , that he wore a scarf of black taffata embroidered o're with gold , with the device of an eagle gazing stedfastly upon the sun , and for the motto these words , tengo solo licentia , that is to say , it is only permitted to me . some days after he appeared at the running at the ring , having an eagle painted upon his buckler , ( for they always wear them at this sort of course , which is an ancient diversion of the moors ) armed with iupiter's thunder , bearing the same motto , it is only permitted to me . there being no hazard to run in this sport , the queen was willing that valenzuela should show his dexterity , which he did , and carried away the prize from a great number of young lords , that disputed it with him , and received from the queen's hand a sword beset with diamonds . they talked hotly at court of the two devices of the favourite , and every one was ready to explain them according to his own fancy and inclination . he caused some comedies of his composing to be publickly represented on the theatre , and all the town had the liberty of seeing them for nothing . this was the most taking way in the world to gain the hearts of the spaniards , for they are such passionate admirers of all publick shows , that they will lay up the mony , which ought to be spent in maintaining their poor families , to purchase a dear seat at a bull-feast . valenzuela was not satisfied to cultivate the affections of the people by these magnificences , but sought other ways to win their hearts . he set several noble buildings on foot , rebuilt the great square , the better part of which had been consumed by fire , and particularly the house where their majesties went to behold the courses at the bull-feasts , and running at the ring . he caused a bridge to be built at the gate near toledo over the mancanares , that cost a million of ducats , and another bridge over the same river at pardo , which is a house of pleasure belonging to the king. the frontispiece and place before the palace was finished by his order , as also the tower of the queen's apartment was raised much higher . he employed all his thoughts in contributing to the diversion of the queen , and the king her son ; this young prince now began to go to all the meetings of sport and pleasure that were kept at aranjues , the escurial and the other royal houses . one day when the marquess de valenzuela had received orders of the king to prepare a chase for him , and the court was then at the escurial , the king designing to shoot a stag , shot his favourite and wounded him on the thigh ; the queen being terribly affrighted broke out into great lamentations , and fainted away between the arms of her ladies . this accident occasioned some people to predict the approaching ruine of valenzuela , whereof this odd adventure seemed to be a presage . the time being now come to order the king's houshold , the marquess made choice of all the o●ficers , he made the duke d' albuquerque mayor-dome mayor , the admiral of castile cavallerizo mayor , and the duke de medina-celi sumiller de corps , this officer is the same in effect with high chamberlain , and puts on the kings shirt : the name is originally french , and comes from the dukes of burgundy , from whom the house of austria is descended . after the same manner he disposed of the other places . now as there were abundantly more pretenders than places to fill , he drew upon him by this means a considerable number of enemies , who could not digest the affront of having nothing given them , and were less inclined to pardon him for that which directly concerned themselves , than for what related to the interest of state. at this time they thought more earnestly than ever of don iuan , hoping that he would come to revenge their quarrel upon valenzuela , and besides they laboured underhand to convince the king , how necessary it was for the better management of affairs to have the prince about him . the queen being informed of what was designed against her , passed many sorrowful days , and more melancholy nights , altho she had almost continual conferences with the marquess ; but she could never represent to her mind the killing thought , that they would treat the marquess after the same cruel manner as they had used father nitard , but she fell a weeping and discovered all the signs of a real concern . she knew very well , that the grandees frequently assembled together , and that they spoke of the government with all the freedom imaginable ; that the libels and pasquils , that were insolently scattered abroad , all tended to defame her administration , were publickly owned and acknowledged by the authors themselves , and that she was obliged to seem , as if she knew nothing of those matters , because she was not in a capacity to punish them . valenzuela for his part was not without his uneasy moments , the elevation of his fortune only served to make him sensible of the terrible precipice he was falling down , from which he did not perceive any visible means to secure himself . in the mean time don iuan , who continued still at saragossa , was discontented at his banishment , how honourable-soever it appeared , it is sufficient that it was not voluntary , and that was enough to make him disrelish it . the queen and he had still the same mutual aversion to one another as formerly , and notwithstanding the fair appearances of his outward behaviour , he laboured under hand with his friends to get himself declared , infant de castile . at least people report it of him ; 't is indeed very true , that he was never able to accomplish that design , but they pretend that he was not absolutely without hopes to effect it . however it was , he made so great a faction , by the means of some considerable persons about the king ▪ who were for promoting his return , that his friends sent him word , that the king desired it , that every thing was disposed , and ready to receive him , and that the credit of the queen would never be able to stand in competition against his . this good news obliged him to quit arrag●n , and make all the haste he could to arrive at buenretiro . to bring about this affair with more facility , they gave the king to understand , that he was not only under the tutorage of the queen his mother , but under that of valenzuela . they afterwards represented to him the constraint he lived under in such lively colours , that he protested he would free himself immediately from this servitude . and altho the queen had always her eye upon him , for fear he should be seduced by any ill counsels , and take contrary measures to what she prescribed him , yet he found the opportunity one night to steal out of the palace with only one gentleman of his bed-chamber , who lay in his room , and so muffled up in his cloak he walk'd on foot to retir● , which was far enough off : from thence he dispatched an order immediately to the queen not to stir out of the palace . it is easy to imagine what entertainment such mortifying news found with her , and what effects this sudden reverse of fortune caused in a princess , who had been accustomed to govern . she employed the remainder of the night in writing to the king , conjuring him in the most tender terms to give her leave to visit him , but he still refused it . while the king tarried at retiro , the people being informed of his intentions , flockt in multitudes to salute and acknowledge him . all the lords of the court made him very considerable presents , so that some persons valued them at a hundred thousand crowns , either in mony , plate , tapistry or diamonds . there was an universal joy at madrid upon this occasion , and that for these two reasons , which equally caused it . the first is , the exceeding affection the spaniards have for their prince , the second , because the queen was so ill beloved , and besides the people could never forget some words that dropt from her once , viz. that she should never be at rest , till she had brought them all to be cloathed with esterac . this is a sort of a course matt made of rushes , that serves them for mattresses and their bedding . the next night after the king's retreat , they made illuminations in all the streets . as soon as don iuan arrived , he obliged the king to remove the queen from thence , so she was sent to toledo , with positive orders not to stir out of that city . the unfortunate valenzuela took his leave of her with all the testimonies of grief and duty , that so short a time would allow him , and retired to the escurial according to order . thus there being a new face of affairs , every body made his court and application to don iuan , and the king by his extraordinary caresses , sufficiently testifyed how joyful he was to see him again . he commanded him to take care of all his affairs , and indeed don iuan rendred himself so absolute a master , that his authority became much greater than that of the queen , and her two chief ministers . don iuan earnestly desired to have valenzuela's person in his power , but could not tell whither he was gone . at last being informed that he was to be found at the escurial he showed a great deal of joy at the news . this is one of the king's houses , and is of so prodigious an extent , that if we take in the buildings , the park , and a convent of religious ieronomites , which is contained within the precincts of it , 't is thought it is several leagues in compass , and is all inclosed with walls : the king commanded don antonio de toledo , son to the duke of alva , to go thither in person and arrest valenzuela ; he departed immediately with the duke de medina sidonia , and the marquess de valpa rayso , don fernand de toledo , several persons of great quality , and two hundred horse . the marquess was then walking in an adjoyning forrest full of heaviness and melancholy , but hearing on a sudden a great noise about him , and being informed at the same time , of what had happened , by a certain messenger , whom some of his friends had sent in all speed to acquaint him with the news ; he returned hastily to the escurial ; and finding out the prior of the convent of the ieronomites , who was a very honest man , and particularly concerned at the misfortunes of this favourite , he told him in a few words what danger he was in , and what reasons he had to apprehend the loss of his life , in case he was taken ; praying and conjuring him with all imaginable earnestness to conceal him in some place of safety . the prior immediately ordered a hole to be contrived in a cell , belonging to one of the religious , of whose confidence he was well assured ▪ this cell it seems was all over wainscoted , so that taking down one of the pannels of the wainscot , and making a cavity in the wall which was of a considerable thickness , in manner of a nitch , they threw in a few mats , and there the poor marquess was shut up . it being very well known , that the marquess was retired into the convent , there was no place or corner left unsearcht by don antonio de toledo , and those that accompanied him . they had so small a respect to the most holy places , that they almost turned every thing in the church upside down . but their search was to no purpose ; and don antonio could not tell what to resolve upon . he had been upon the hunt there several days to find out valenzuela , who , as he now began to imagine , had certainly found the means to save himself : when the unhappy marquess bein● almost stifled in the hole for want of air , and besides disordered with his late afflictions , fell so dangerously ill , that there were little hopes of his life . finding himself therefore in this desperate condition , he cared not what became of him : but the father prior having first taken the chirurgion of the convent's word to keep the secret inviolably , sent him to the marquess to let him blood : this treacherous villain within a quarter of an hour after discovered the whole mystery to don antonio , who had been it seems in the cell , where poor valenzuela lay immured , almost every day since he began to make the search after him . he then immediately entred the convent , and all on the sudden commanded the pannel , which covered the marquess , to be taken down . he f●●nd him fast asleep ▪ but very much altered by his indisposition and misfortunes ; his arms lay ready by him , and if he had been awake , there is no question to be made but that he had resolutely defended himself , being a person of great courage and bravery : and besides what would not a man attempt in so deplorable a condition ? he was conducted to the castle de consuegra , which belongs to the grand priory of castile , of the order of malta . don iuan chose to make this the scene of his confinement , because the castle depended upon him . valenzuela lay there dangerously sick , and often said in the hearing of his guards , oh heavens ! and there is no hope then that i shall dye immediately , must i still live after i have endured so many afflictions ? when he was somewhat better , he was removed to the castle de los puntales at cadiz , where he suffered a very close imprisonment ; nevertheless heshowed a great deal of constancy and resolution , in the midst of all his ill usage and disgraces . at last he was imbarked in a vessel to be sent to chile in the philipines . these are certain islands in the extreamest part of the east-indies , almost adjoyning to china . 't is a long and tedious voyage thither , and they generally transport their most notorious criminals in spain to those places , where they are forced to work in the quicksilver mines . they seldom tarry above two years in that slavish employment but they die , or at least are troubled with a general trembling in their limbs , which makes them suffer infinitely more than death it self . valenzuela was in●ormed before his departure , that he was degraded from all his honours , and that the king had taken away all his offices , leaving only his bare name to him . i perceive then , says he very pensively , that i am under more unfortunate circumstances by far , than when i first came to court , and the duke de l' infantado took me for his page . but tho they took care to acquaint him with what related particularly to himself , yet he could learn nothing of the queen's destiny , or what became of his wife , and children . they had shut up her majesty together with them in a convent at talavera de la reine , and strictly commanded the abbess , not to let them stir abroad , or speak to any body . 't is commonly reported , that at the time , when he was at the port of cales ready to embarque , a woman of an extraordinary size , handsomly drest , and covered with her veil , as it is the spanish fashion , bustled through the guards close up to him . take courage valenzuela , says she to him , thy enemy will die , and thou shalt once more see spain . those that heard her say so , would have stopt her , but she found out means to make her escape . what she told him afterwards proved in effect to be true , for don iuan died , and one of the first graces that the queen mother begged of the king at her return to madrid , was to have valenzuela recalled home . so a vessel was sent to the philippines to bring him back , but he found to his sorrow , that d' eguya hindered his return , altho the queen so earnestly desired it . the pope having received information of what had passed , as well in the church as in the convent , when they dragged valenzuela by force out of the escurial , excommunicated all those that were concerned in the fact ; so that before the lords could prevail to have the ecclesiastical censure taken off , which by this violation of the churches liberty they had incurred , they were obliged in white sheets and halters about their necks to walk to the imperial colledge , where cardinal mellini , who was then nuncio at madrid , made each of them undergo some blows of discipline . all the kingdom testified an extraordinary satisfaction to to see don iuan enter upon the government , and we may safely say , that all the hopes and expectations of spain were lodged in him . as he was master of a great deal of wit and vivacity , so that it was natural to believe that the different empl●●m●●ts of his life , whether in peace or war , rend●●ed him extreamly capable of repairing the breaches and reforming all the irregularities of the state. several of the grandees had entred into a sort of an association for his return ; and now they had leisure to make severe reflections upon the weakness of the late government , where they found nothing but private intreagues and little factions , that were extreamly disadvantagious to the publick interest . a german queen , an infant king , a foreigner chief minister of state and confessor , valen●uela made a favourite and minister ; without birth and without capacity , raised upon the sudden by a strange caprice of fortune , and thrown down again into his primitive nothing : in fine , all their hopes centred in don iuan , and they had long expected him almost to a degree of impatience : but when he was once arrived , and they beheld him at a nearer view , presently all those great and glorious ideas , which they had conceived of him , vanished away like a dream . this is commonly the fate and destiny of all great ministers ; the high place they possess only serves to expose them the more to the envy of their inferiours . even those persons that took the greatest pains to place them in that condition , think they have laboured all the while for an ungrateful wretch , and if he fails to showr down all his favours upon them , will be sure to give him less quarter than any men else . so small a distance there is from publick favour and admiration to publick hatred . this rule which generally holds a● all ●imes and in all places , did not fail to be accomplished in the person of don iuan. most people were concerned to see what harsh usage he gave the queen , and could not forbear to accuse his obstinacy , for refusing to enter madrid , till the queen was gone out , and on her way to toledo . he was not content with this affront that he put upon her at his first appearance , but to humble her still the more , he added another that was full as mortifying , he descended into a severe examination of her past conduct , the particulars of which had not the least relation to the present state of affairs , and only tended to defame her . this princess suffered with an incredible grief a treatment so unbefitting her high quality , and so injurious to her reputation , but all other ways of shewing her resentments were denied her , and she had nothing left to exercise , save only her patience and virtue . but several persons of quality that were still linked to her whether out of affection or duty , could not without a sensible affliction , behold the oppression she lay under . they generally spoke of it with heat and indignation , and spread abroad a report , that altho don iuan was no legitimate prince , yet he flattered himself that he should one day become absolute master of the monarchy . abundance of people maintained the contrary , alledging that he was never guilty of such a design , and that if he had been capable of harbouring any such thoughts , he might easily have succeeded in them , by the assistance of his own party which was very numerous , and by his own power ; that the king was but fifteen years old , and besides was equally destitute of authority and experience . what occasioned this suspicion was his establishing of some innovations that were never practised by any minister before him . one that made the greatest noise was this , that in his chamber of audience he would neither give the right hand nor a seat to the ambassadors . at first they shewed themselves extreamly disobliged at it , but at last the nuncio and the other foreign ministers submitted to this rule , and visited him without difficulty . the queen's creatures made a greater bustle about this affair than even the ambassadors themselves , who were only concerned in it , and whether they discoursed of it with too much freedom , or don iuan only suspected their private sentiments , he caused several of them to be banished . among the rest were the admiral of castile , the duke d' ossone , the prince de stillano , the marquess de mansera , the count d' humanez , the count d' aquillar , and the marquess de mondejar . the last of whom was accused for making the following verses , but they were mistaken in the author , for they were written by the admiral , who was a person of extraordinary wit. vn frayle y una corona , vn duque y u● cartelesta an dubleron la lista de la bella calderona . baylo y alguno blasona que de quantos han entrado en ' la danca ha averiguado quien ilezo el prez del bayle : pero yo atingome al frayle , y quiero perder doblado . i have here translated these verses into english , altho it is certain they have nothing of the bel air and spirit the spanish have . fair calderona , the pride of the stage , in her youth did with many a lover engage . dukes , actors , and kings , in spight of their state , and monks so demure on her triumphs did wait . the kind coming nymph , as besitted her station , receiv'd the addresses of half the creation . and very well knew , ( as sh' had reason enough ) who plaid his cards surest , and came the best off . as for me , without giving my wherefore or why , the monk , the fat monk did the business , say i. de tan santa confradia , procidio un hijo fatal . y coco al ma● principal la pension de la obua pial . claro esta que les diera lo que qui siesse su madre pero no haura a quien no quadro vna rason que si offrece : mirese a quien parece porque aquel sera su padre . sole tiene u●a sefial de nuestro rey soberano . que en nada pone la mano . que no le succeda mal . a ca perdio a portugal . en las dunas su aroganciae dio tantos triumphos a francia , que es cosa de admiracion que dar tanta perdicion en un hijo de ganancia . mande pues carlos secundo ber si le huvo sin recelo el rey que vi●●el cielo de unia muger del munda : en misterio tan presundo solo puedo de●ir yo que por suyo le jusgo mas si contodo es estrasio no sea el primer engasio que felipe padecio . in this blessed conjunction a bantling was got , and the king , as best able , did pay for the shot : he got him nurst up in a little blind quarter , and had it been the mode there , wou'd have giv'n him a garter , the politick dame , ●o iilting well used , with a thousand strange stories , her lovers amus'd , but , we , that have no inclinations to flatter , are resolved to be rul'd by our eyes in the matter , and him , for the brat's real father we 'll find , whom most he resembles in body or mind . of our late piou● monarch , no marks he retains but a constant ill conduct , ill luck , and no brains : through him all our hopes were in portugal crost , and dunkirk alas ! by his folly was lost : the plague of our counsels , and cause of our woes , fresh losses attend him where ever he goos . well fortune i 'll call thee a strumpet no more , for wer 't thou in truth and in earnest a wh●re , thou oughtst to have favour'd him more than another , and shown him respect for the sake of his mother . let charles send an envoy to the mansions above , and let the late king all our doubts to remove , tell us whether he 'll 〈◊〉 don john for his son , since more were conce●●d , as the runner does run . his mother , we know , was a good natur'd dance , that strove to oblige all strangers that came . if philip at last in his judgment was gull'd ; pray is this the first time that the monarch was fool'd ? en sus definios penetro por una y por otra acion . que no tiem otra entencion don iuan , que empefiar el cetro : abrenuncio vade retro hi de dame para el , reyno , enrique y a un fiel , (a) noble y valiante le admira hasta el dia de oy suspira la lealtad porel cruel . (b) ocarlos gran rey de espana , no te espantes ni te admire , que el mundo todo suspire con oppression tan estrana noes porque el pueblo engana el pretexto del rumor , si no que es tanto el aemor de la plebe lastimosa es solo ana vos quexosa que les oprime el dolor . by his conduct 't is plain both to country and town , that his ●aughty designs tend all to the crown ; but durst he aspire , and make such a pother , if he 'd ever reflect on the strumpet his mother ? ●ave a henry 't is true , tho a bastard , did reign , ●ut tho his exploits are so famous in spain , so seldom to serve our true prince we have fail'd , that in spight of the tyrant , don b pedro's bewaild . awake mighty charles , and thy sceptre assume , let the arrogant wretch feel the weight of his doom . and be not amazed that the people thus cry , vnder all the oppressions and burdens they lie . though too loudly they rail at the plague of the age , their zeal to thy person excuses their rage . and if they repine , and are heard to complain , it proceeds from the smart and excess of their pain . don iuan found these verses upon his toillette , and in several other places of his chamber ; he was more concerned at them , than in reason he ought to be , for certainly he could never be so vain as to imagine that he was equally acceptable to all the world . these resentments having sowred and exasperated his spirit , he observed that the conversation of the count de monterey diverted the king ; this was enough to render him suspected ; and altho this nobleman had set himself at the head of a party , which declared for the prince's return , yet all his services were forgot , and the prejudices of jealousie , which are sometimes too headstrong to be mastered , made don iuan●end ●end him to command in catalonia . he afterwards banished him , and what is more , ordered a trial to be commenced against him about the affair of puicerda : thus the unfortunate count saw himself all in a moment removed from court , where he flattered himself long to continue in the king 's and princes favour . but that monarch was young , and destitute of experience , and besides laboured under the ill effects of a bad education ; for a minister that regards nothing in the world but what has a particular relation to his own interests , will be sure to keep back those lights from his prince , that may help him afterwards to discover by what an ill conduct he is managed . don iuan was very well acquainted with the policy of this maxim , and accordingly took care to conceal the affairs of state from the king , with as much precaution as the priests keep their mysteries from the people . to make himself always necessary to him , he never instructed him in the art of governing , but perpetually amused him with some little insignificant diversions , that possessed his tender years with a spirit of laziness , which could never fail to produce ill consequences afterwards , and never gave him leave to stir a foot out of the palace but in his own company . the people that are never sensible of events , but at the very moment when they feel the smart , had perhaps looked upon the banishment of the lords , and the captivity of their king with an indifferent eye , if they had not been sufferers themselves . but the great scarcity of provisions that were daily inhanced , the irregular administration of justice , and the disorderly management of the finances , made them soon sensible , that the changing of masters is not always for the better . and as it is natural to run headlong from one extream into another , and the just limits of carrying on a reformation are known but to very few persons , so they began to disrelish the regency , and to show a dissatisfaction , that might easily have been improved into an insurrection , but that the anger of the people of spain is generally weak and feeble , and 't is not only upon these occasions that the apparent fierceness of that nation goes off , and vani●hes . for 't is very true , that the people content themselves there with railing and murmuring , so that if there was any thing to be feared it was from the grandees , who notwithstanding their banishment , left very considerable relations and friends behind them at court : these being concerned to see them exiled , began privately to join and associate for the same cause ; they proceeded so far as to signifie to the queen that they passionately desired her return , and that she ought to attempt something on her side as they were resolved to do something on theirs , and in short they took an occasion to discourse the king about the matter . they made him sensible that he was under a slavish ignominious dependance , and confirmed him in his natural inclinations to take the government of the state into his own hands . he relished very well the overtures they made him , and the queen likewise received her informations not without pleasure ; but it was not enough to wish well , something of action was necessary : for the king was young , wanted assistance , and every one shifted it off from himself to another . the pleasures of the court , and that laziness which is so peculiar to the spaniards made them advance so slowly in their affairs , that don iuan had leisure enough to destroy in one day the foundations they had been laying for several weeks . the queen for her part was under a confinement , which held her chained to the place , so that she could attempt nothing without being discovered . she was afraid too of finding traitors among her own servants , and drawing new disgraces upon her , whilst she endeavoured to free her self from those she lay under at present . what was past instructed her in some measure to fear and avoid what was to come . as she is naturally of a slow disposition , so after long reflections upon the matter , she was of the opinion , that she ought not by any precipitate actions hazard the future repose of her life . don iuan on his side was alarm'd with continual fears and jealousies ; and having abundance of spies about him , he was instructed of what he did not care to hear , the unwearied designs that were daily formed against him . notwithstanding the great authority and power , with which he was invested , he could not forbear very sensibly to apprehend the bad consequences of an aversion , that began to be entertained so generally against him . he was in a manner responsible for all the good and all the bad successes of the state , and the weight of so cumbersom a monarchy hung very heavy about him . he sometimes considered with regret the tranquility he had formerly enjoyed in flanders and arragon ; in fine his spirit was not in its natural sphere , and we may say of him , that he even overbought the pleasure of making so great a figure on the theatre of the world. the war that was kindled . between france and holland , interested several princes of europe , who took their sides in it , either according to their several inclinations , or else the particular engagements they had to the powers , that were then at variance . spain , which is always inseparable from the interests of the empire , neither spared her mony nor forces upon this occasion , when the hollanders made a peace with france first in the year . the emperor and some of the princes of the empire followed their example , nay spain could not hinder it self from doing the like . the king of denmark and elector of brandenburgh , who as yet kept their swords in their hands still , laid them down likewise , and a peace was concluded at nimeguen , that gave repose to all europe . in the mean time the king of spain was upon the point of marrying the arch dutchess , the emperor's daughter : this affair was so far advanced , that the articles were regulated , and the contract signed . this marriage was of the queen's doing , who earnestly desired the accomplishment of it ; but don iuan at his return broke off this match , not being desirous to strengthen his enemy's party , as it must assuredly have been by the accession of this young princess , who was of the same name and same country with the queen , and besides all this , was her grand daughter and neice . he too much feared the ill consequences of this affair to give his consent to it . the king about his nineteenth year seemed to be setled in a healthful state of body , which promised successors to the crown , and he expressed a great inclination to be married ; he considered that of the house of austria he alone was left remaining of the spanish branch , and that his whole kingdom had an equal interest to see him have children . the circumstances of the peace , that hapned to be concluded at nimeguen , made him cast his eyes upon mademoiselle , eldest daughter of monsieur , who was the kings only brother . she was almost of his own age , amiable , well-shaped , of a sweet disposition , witty and charming : all her inclinations were noble and vertuous , and lewis the great took an extraordinary affection to her , because her humour so exactly suited with his , so that all the courtiers were surprized at it . the king had accidentally seen some portraitures of this princess , and several spanish lords who had been at the court of france spake of her as a prodigy . these advantagious testimonies so luckily concurring , sensibly affected him , he could not take his rest a nights , he carried her picture next his heart , and held long conversations with it , as if it understood him . but what is the most incredible thing of all , and yet is related for a certain truth , is this , that before he became enamoured he could not endure any woman near him , but these dispositions were altered in him upon this occasion , and he beheld the fair sex never after with aversion . all the people were ravished with joy to hear that the king desired mademoiselle . the memory of queen elizabeth of france , the first wife of philip the iv. was so deeply imprinted upon the hearts of all the spaniards , that they desired to see one of the same blood sit upon the throne again . don iuan agreed with the king's inclinations , as well as those of the people in relation to this princess . he sent orders to the marquess de los balbazez in flanders , who was come from nimeguen , where he had assisted at the treaty of peace , to go and demand mademoiselle for the king his master . every one was surprized that the prince lent his helping hand to this affair . true policy would have required him to protract as long as he was able and to delay the marriage , because as it gave a wife to the king , so it might perhaps give an enemy to the favourite . and here many people could not forbear to call to mind the first ideas of that ambition , of which he was suspected , now it was for good and all to abandon the design of making himself declared infant , to content himself with reigning after the king , in case he had no children . many persons do likewise pretend , that notwithstanding the great earnestness he showed in publick , yet he had no over great desire to have the match succeed . they alledge this for a reason , that he ought to have done something before so open an embassy , by way of secret dispatches , which might absolutely have had the success of a negotiation : but that at the bottom , whatever he did or whatever he said to the contrary , he did not heartily desire it ; that he was afraid lest a french queen , supported by the authority of the greatest king in the world , would never truckle to him ; that now he was master , but hereafter would become no more than a companion , others were of the contrary opinion , and said that he had a fair prospect of being well received by mademoiselle , especially since he had broke off the marriage with the arch dutchess , and given the preference to her . these different considerations embarrassed and perplexed don iuan to such a degree , that he knew not which way to determine himself , and even at the very time that the marquess de los balbazez demanded the princess in france , he very cunningly got the king at madrid to see the portraiture of the infanta of portugal , who was a lady of admirable beauty : he talked exceedingly of her charms , and not knowing as yet that her marriage with the duke of savoy was agreed upon , he underhand made a proposal to give her to the king ; but he was too deeply gone to alter his affections . the demand made by don balbazez was very agreeable to his most christian majesty , and don iuan who received advice of it , did not at first doubt of its success . therefore he ●ow endeavoured to overshoot the favourable dispositions of france , either to promote his own interest by it , or else by demanding things that were too great , to meet a refusal , and by that means to find a plausible pretence to break off . in effect , he pretended that mademoiselle not being the daughter of a king , they ought therefore for that reason on the side of the french court to enter into particular considerations , and restore to spain some of those places , that were yeilded up to france by the last treaty of nimeguen . upon this he held a council , where he was desirous to insinuate his own sentiments into them , but he found no body inclined to hearken to them . every one concluded , that they ought to have nothing else in view but the king's satisfaction ; that they were happy enough in finding out a princess , that was beautiful and capable to give them a soveraign , and that they ought not to take pains to destroy a thing of that consequence , which all the world so earnestly desired to see accomplished . the queen who continued still very solitary at toledo , and who was consulted in no affairs , wrote a letter to the king , wherein she told him , she had received information that he was going to be married , that she counselled him in the mean time , while that affair was carrying on , to go to arragon , and catalonia , to confirm the ancient priviledges of those people . the king sent her barely word again that he would do it , without explaining himself more openly upon his marriage . ever since the twenty fourth of ianuary . the king had nominated those persons who were to fill up the respective offices of the house of the new queen . the dutchess de terra nova was made camarera major , that is , first lady of honour , but her power is of a greater extent than that of the other ladies of honour ; because she is mistress of all the women that serve the queen in her palace . she is the widow of the duke de terra nova , who was of the house of pignatelli , and a grandee of spain . she in herited a vast fortune that descended to her from fernando cortez , for her mother bore the name of that famous captain , who left her a small kingdom in the west indies , tho he might , if he pleased , have left her a more considerable one in that part of the world , where he made so great a progress . she is descended of a branch of the house of arragon , that setled a long while ago in sicily ; she is extreamly rich , of a fierce imperious humour towards persons that are above her , insupportable to her equals , but kind and obliging to her inferiours . she has a world of wit , is fixed in her resolutions , and is of a deep penetrating ●pirit : her temper cold and serious , still preserving her spanish gravity , and never steps a foot backward or forward unless she has well considered of it before . she thunders out her i will , or i will not , enough to make one tremble . she is a meager pale woman , of a long and wrinkled visage , her eyes little and severe , in short she makes a dangerous terrible enemy . don carlos of arragon her cousin german was assassinated by the banditti , whom she caused expresly for that purpose to come from valentia , because he demanded of her restitution of the dutchy of terra nova , which was in her possession , altho of right it belonged to him . the terrible noise this affair made in the world , obliged her to retire into arragon , where don iuan resided at that time , deeply afflicted at his misfortunes . both of them imagined , that they had reason to complain of the severity of their fortune , and this soon occasioned a certain friendship between them , as it usually happens amongst persons of their quality when they come to be involved in the same circumstances . after they had frequently conversed with one another , the prince found out part of the dutchesse's humour ; he knew she was ambitious , but as all the other ill qualities of her soul were outwardly set off by the appearance of a great devotion , he never took her for so malicious and spightful a devil , as she really was . he therefore cast his eyes upon her to make her camarera major for the young queen . the marquess d' astorgas was nominated at the same time to be grand master of her house , don iuan had some thoughts at first of conferring this office upon don vincente gonzaga of the house of mantua , and made him quit his viceroyship of sicily to come and possess it , which the other freely left , in consideration of the place , that was now offered him . but his expectations were deceived ; for the marquess d' astorgas , who had heaped up a prodigious wealth when he was viceroy of naples , having profered the use of it to don iuan , who mightily stood in need of mony at that time and accepted the profer , was preferred to don vin●ente , who was admitted however into the ●ouncil of state , where his great abilities , without question , did great service . altho the duke d' ossone continued as yet in exile , don iuan did not forget to nominate him for master of the horse to the queen ; he bestowed that place upon him only that he might have an opportunity to take away from him that of the president of the orders , where his conduct it seems did not please him . he affected a certain air of devotion that sate very disagreeably upon him , because he mixed too much bigotry with it , and it was a strange sort of bigotry too ; for this good duke one evening caused the count d' humanez to be set upon in the streets by some men of valencia , who never come to madrid but to commit murders and other crimes of that nature . the occasion of the quarrel was this , the duke was passionately in love with a certain lady , and soon after came to discover that the count was a more fortunate man than himself . nevertheless the count escaped the danger . this affair made a great bustle ; don iuan who was particularly disgusted at the duke , laid hold of this opportunity to banish him the court , but now procured this considerable post for him , that he might gain over to his party a man of so great an importance ; besides it was his interest to see the chief offices of the queen's house filled with those persons that were at his devotion , and might prepossess the mind of that young princess in favour of him . the other officers of her house were likewise nominated about the beginning of march. at the same time the marquess de mansera mayor domo to the queen mother was fined a hundred thousand crowns , which he paid upon the nail . after this manner the king sometimes punishes the crimes that the grandees commit against him . he was soon after banished to the castle de cocchia , and his place was given to the count de chincho● . but the queen being highly incensed at these proceedings , declared that she would never suffer it , alledging that the widow of philip the fourth , and mother of charles the second ought not to be treated after this unworthy manner , so they were forced to let the matter drop , and proceed no farther in it . there happened a little after another business , that occasioned a great clamour . don francisco de toledo , second son of the duke of alva , the count de mirande grandee of spain , the marquess de valero son of the duke de bejar , and the eldest son of the duke de sessa occasioned the escape of a man , that was accused of great crimes . the manner whereby they brought it about , was this . they sent a woman with a basket of fish to stand near the prison , she sold such good pennyworths there , that a man appointed for the purpose having informed the jaylor , and the keepers of it , they presently ran to the place to buy some fish. the woman amused them with abundance of foolish stories so well , that she succeeded in her design , for in the mean time the above-mentioned lords broke open the prison gates . the king ordered all of them to be arrested , however this affair , like others of the same nature at madrid , brought no ill consequences upon them . the king took all the care imaginable to have the young queens apartments in the palace fitted up , and made ready . he was to have gone according to the usual custom , in the month of april to aranjues , but don iuan hindred him , because that place was too near toledo , so he went to buen-retiro . the queen mother wrote to him thither , desiring that he would be pleased to come and see her ; but tho she prest it with a great deal of tenderness and importunity , she was not able to succeed in her desires . he diverted himself every day with hunting and seeing comedies , either at pardo or zarzuela , which are two houses of pleasure belonging the king of spain . the opera d' alcine was represented before him , it cost a world of mony , but was miserably performed . there was likewise a bull-feast kept , where two young cavaliers unfortunately perished : on the following day there was running at the ring . about this time the prince de ligne arrived , and a day or two after kissed his majestys hand , and took his place at the council of state. father francis de relux a dominican came likewise from salamanca , where he had been professor of divinity , and was chosen by don iuan to be the kings confessor . the duke of alva had engaged that he should submit himself intirely to don iuan's will , who accepted him upon his parole . at this time the cardinal de portacarero archbishop of toledo returned from rome . the court at madrid was very full and numerous . on the twentieth of ianuary the king of france named the marquess de villars to be his ambassador in spain , who was at that time under the same character at savoy . he was known to the court of spain , for in the year . he resided there in quality of ambassador ; he arrived at madrid on the seventeenth of iune , and those persons that were well acquainted with the disposition of don iuan , very much doubted whether he would meet with that reception , which he might reasonably promise himself : they knew well enough that the natural haughtiness of don iuan would never comply with the instructions of that minister , who to be sure would never go to visit the prince , unless he were assured beforehand of receiving the honour of the hand , the step and the chair ; that don iuan would never consent to this proposal , because it was not to be imagined that he would easily give up the rights he had obtained over the other ambassadors , and that it would be an inconvenient thing for him of france not to treat directly with the chief minister . what people surmised upon this occasion really happened , for the prince would not bate him an ace , and the marquess de villars kept fast to his instructions . therefore they looked upon one another with great coldness , but nevertheless this did not hinder the ambassador from having a private audience of the king on the eighth of iuly , and a publick one a little after , upon the conclusion of his marriage with mademoiselle . don iuan had three fits of a tertian ague towards the beginning of iuly . on the thirteenth the secretary of the marquess de los balbazez arrived , who brought word that the king had consented to the marriage of mademoiselle with the king of spain : nothing is equal to the joy that he shew'd upon this account , for he had expected the news with the greatest impatience . he ordered te deum to be sung at our ladies d' atocha , all the houses in the city were illuminated with white wax tapers , and bonefires were to be seen in every street . an hundred and fifty cavaliers of the best families in the kingdom performed a masquerade on horse-back , that consisted only of some embroiderie , tiffany ribbons and feathers ; for they were apparalled in black as they used to be , but were not masqued at all . after this manner they ran all night , every man carrying a flambeaux in his hand : all these divertisements lasted three days and three nights . a courier arrived soon after , who brought the contract of the king's marriage , this was soon communicated to the queen mother , who exprest a great deal of joy at it . the ratification was presently sent back , and bonefires were made as before . while the people did thus endeavour to express their zeal to the king , the servants of the queen mother were busied in finding out some means or other to advance her return . the marquess de villars had refused to follow the example of the other ambassadors in the conduct they used towards don iuan upon the occasion of those new customs , which they suffered him to establish ; and this seemed a favourable opportunity to perswade the enemies of the prince , that monsieur de villars had some secret instructions which were not favourable to him . they flattered themselves immediately with the hopes of making him one of their party , and believed it would extreamly strengthen their own side if they could once bring him over to them . upon this consideration , the greater part of the courtiers applauded him mightily for his constancy , and made him abundance of complements upon that score . he was respected at madrid , and had the good fortune to find out several of his friends again , and the queen mother shewed a particular esteem for him . she gave him a very obliging proof of this , when he came to wait upon her at toledo ; for after publick audience was over , she was pleased to entertain him in private about her own affairs , and testified what an entire confidence she reposed in him : but altho several proposals were made to him , to be of a party against the prince , and besides his own natural disposition led him to espouse the quarrel of those persons who opposed a minister , whose civilities he had no great reason to applaud , yet he was of opinion that in this present conjuncture it would be his best way to remain neuter . he considered still , that the marriage of the king of spain with mademoiselle would bring along with it some agreements that were not to be expected before the arrival of that princess , that it was a sure unfailing way to oppose one power to another , that this young princess would never suffer theminister of france to be run down in that court where she was to become the mistress and sole delight , that it was certain she would link her self to the interests of the queen mother ; that the most christian queen who loved both the one and the other very affectionately , would be sure to give her this in charge before her departure amongst the other counsels , which she was always to observe ; that their credit being united together and seconded by all those persons , that desired another government , don iuan would without question find himself obliged to give way . most persons reasoned after the same manner upon this affair , and encouraged one another to stand firm against the favourite ; they now began to speak those things aloud which before they were almost afraid to mutter in private , they complained of him , and importuned the king to call the exiles home , and openly promoted the return of queen mother . don iuan was now more disquieted than ever : the appearance only of his fall had prevailed with several persons , who ought to have been his creatures , to abandon him for good and all ; and as for those that remained , they had neither authority , nor merit enough to support him . he could scarce find any comfort but when he was alone , but this sort of conduct does not always afford a man a sanctuary ; for even the silence , the retirement , and the infinite reflections we make are rather apt to perplex and disturb , than to relieve our spirits . he was still more afflicted , when he saw some of his friends , or at least such as he believed to be so , embrace the interests that were directly opposite to his , and he knew they employed the confessor's credit with the king to bring all these matters about . i have already told you , that don iuan was the man who caused him to come from salamanca , and after he had advanced him to this preferment , thought he might ever after have him at his devotion . nevertheless , whether he had promised him nothing , or really broke his word , 't is certain he quitted the prince's party , and caballed amongst his enemies . some people pretend that this proceeded from a principle of conscience , but it is impossible that ingratitude should ever flow from a good principle . however it was , he obtained for the princess de stillano , who was the duke of alva's daughter , the return of her husband . don iuan had absolutely refused it , and found so little credit upon this occasion , that he was sensibly afflicted at it : for the thing it seems was pushed so far , that the king out of pure complaisance to his confessor said it signifies nothing that don juan opposes it , 't is enough that i would have it so . these few words very much increased the prince's melancholy ; but as misfortunes seldom come unattended , there happened another mortification upon the account of the duke of ossone , who was in the number of the exiles . the prince had sent him notice by some of his friends , that he desired him to throw up his place of master of the horse to the new queen , which he had lately bestowed upon him , but he rejected his proposal with the greatest scorn imagi●able . don iuan was mightily enraged at it , and would have banished him farther off , to make him sensible of his power , and of the affront he had done him in pretending to oppose his intentions : but he was so far from succeeding in his project , that he saw the duke de medina celi , who hitherto kept fair measures with him , had prevailed with the king to recall the duke d' ossone . the son of the duke de medina celi had married the daughter of the duke d' ossone , and this occasioned the great friendship between them . the pretence was , that it was necessary for him to be with the queen , and the duke de medina celi , having found a favourable opportunity , told the king that he was not a little concerned to see a man of the duke ossone's quality , who had the honour to possess one of the highest offices in the queens house , banished so far from court , at a time when all those persons that ought to serve her , should be making preparations to meet her . the king consented to his return , as likewise to the count de montereys , upon condition that they should neither make nor receive any visits at madrid . a general custom seldom fails to hold true for any particular person , and 't is an usual observation , that when we begin to receive any one misfortune , we ought to expect another . don iuan being perswaded that he was not happy enough to be excepted from this invidious rule , was desirous to strengthen his party by the authority of the constable of castile ; but he met with a very unlucky rub in his way , for having engaged the duke of alva to propose an accommodation to him , t●e constable calling to mind the insupportable pride wherewith don iuan had formerly treated him , and therefore still looking upon the prince as his formidable enemy , answered very coldly , that the time was past . to encrease his troubles , all those that were exiled came into favour , for they took an opportunity to solicit their return whilst he was sick , and made such advantages of that conjuncture , and pushed matters so home , that the king was resolved to call home the queen mother . while they were deliberating upon the conduct , that was to be observed in this affair , the king held a long conversation with the inquisitor general ; he sent his confessor to acquaint the duke de medina celi of the house de la cerda , and the count d' oropeza of the house of braganza to meet at an appointed hour at the inquisitors . when they were met , the king sent them word by the aforementioned father relux to advise him of the best method to remove don iuan , and recall the queen mother . the day was spent in conference , and after all , it was unanimously agreed that the king should depart from the palace as if he were going out to hunt , and that before his return he should send word to the prince to withdraw immediately . this project was not put in execution , the prince knew not a syllable of the matter , and for want of resolution and courage the design fell . on the twenty sixth of iune , a bull feast was kept , where there was very good sport , at the same time the marquess de fuentes got to be ●●de counseller of the military affairs . the k●●g gave orders to the gentlemen of his bed-chamber , who were to meet the queen upon the way , to furnish themselves with three suits of clothes a peice , and two of them were to be after the french fashion . our ambassador made his entry on the thirteenth of august , and we did not fail to go to some of our friends to behold the show . 't is a custom there for the king to send the ambassador a certain number of horses out of his own stable both for himself and his attendants , for the ambassadors make their entry on horseback ; next morning the major domo in waiting , the conductor of the ambassadors and his deputy accompanied him from his own house to the palace . in his publick audience , which he had of the king , he always spoke in french ; the procession of his entry was a long time interrupted by the opiniatrete of the ambassador of malta , who pretended that his coach ought immediately to follow that of the venetian ambassador , who was the last ambassador of the chappel , in such manner that he was got before the second coaches of the marquess de villars : but to put an end to the dispute , the conductor of the ambassadors was sent to the palace , where every thing was adjusted to the advantage of the ambassador of france , and the pretensions of him of malta , who was don diego de bracamonte , were adjudged to be ill grounded , since the ambassadors of crowned heads never gave him the right hand at their houses . after some instances on his side , his coach withdrew ; he is the first ambassador of malta that ever aspired to this honour . don rodrigo de silva de mendoza , duke de pastrane & de l' infantado , having been named by the king to go ambassador extraordinary into france , and to carry the presents of marriage to mademoiselle , went immediately to toledo to receive orders of the queen mother , and being returned to madrid , he departed from thence with a dozen postillions , and six trumpeters clad in green velvet embroidered with gold : he had several gentlemen , and pages with him , and his two brothers don ioseph , and don gaspar de silva accompanied him in his journey . donna catarina de mendoza his mother gave him twenty thousand pistoles , and five thousand to each of his brothers . he was descended in a right line from father to son of rui gomez prince a' eboli , who was made duke de pastrane by king philip ii. whose privado or principal favourite he was , as his wife , whose beauty has made so great a noise in the world , was his mistress . the king named the marchioness de mortare , the marchioness del fresno , the countess de santorcas , the countess dayala , and the marchioness de castra forte to be ladies of honour to the queen ; and for maids of honour the daughters of the dutchess de sessa & de frias , those of the marchioness d' alcanisa , of the countess de villambrosa , of the marchioness de villa franca , of the marchioness de villa manriquez , those of the dukes d' hijar and d' albe , of the counts de paredes , and d' arcos , the sisters of the duke de vareguas , and the marquess de godar ; the daughters of the duke d' hijar , and pastrane were to be menines or young ladies of honour : they are not above ten years old , and are the prettiest ladies i have seen in spain . donna laura d' alarçon was named to be the mother of the maids of honour , the sons of the marquess de villa manriquez , and of the count of st. stephen to be menins or pages to the queen , the marquess d' astorgas major domo major , the dutchess de terra nova to be camarera major of the young queen . all these ladies went to toledo to take their leave of the queen mother , and at their return they went strait down to the palace , where the took possession of those chambers that were alotted to them . the king presented a thousand pistoles to every maid of honour to bear the expence of their journey , with a pension of a thousand ducats . he gave the title of grandee to don francis maria spinola a gentleman of genoa , duke de s. pierre , and son in law to the marquess de los balbazez : he was a young lord very well shaped and accomplished . at the same time the count de talara brought the king a resignation of his office of master of the horse , the aversion between him and the admiral of castile made him unwilling to execute his orders , and since he saw himself recalled from banishment , he thought it the best way to leave the court. a courier arrived from cales on the twenty-second of august , who brought the news of the safe arrival of the gallions tha● were computed to be worth thirty millions , but above half the treasure belonged to the merchants . they were once minded to seize the whole cargo to defray the charge of the marriage , and to serve for other occasional expences . however after a long consideration , the council finding it would utterly ruin all commerce , desisted from the design . the ministers and grandees went to complement the king on st. lewis's day , because it was the birth-day of the young queen ; he received them with with a more pleasant air than was his usual manner , and having abundance of precious stones in his hat , he told them that he wore them for the sake of the queen . the cardinal portocarero came to wait upon his majesty , he went from madrid to toledo very much discontented ; and told some persons , that if the king did not receive him with more honour , than he did the first time , he would never come back again to court ; but he had reason enough now to be satisfied , for as he came out of the coach he found the halberdiers of the guards under their arms , touching the pavement with their halberds , as they always use to do when the king passes by . so great and so welcom a reception made him resolve not to give the right hand to ambassadors and to the grandees , which at first a little displeased some people , but the dukes de medina celi , d' ossone , and alva , the popes nuncio , and the venetian ambassador having made him a visit , were pleased to submit to the new regulation he had established , which some others followed after their example . when it was known at madrid , that our king was to swear to the peace at fountainblea● on the last day of august , the king of spain came about four a clock in the afternoon to the great gilded hall of the palace , to perform this ceremony on his side . the marquess de villart came to the palace , where he was received by the master of the ceremonies : the constable of castile followed by all the ma●●● d●●●'s received him at the gate of the ●●●st hall ; he passed , through several rooms , each more magnificent than the other , and hung with the richest tapistry in the world . at the upper end of the hall there was a scaffold erected , covered with persian tapistry gounded with gold , it was ascended by three steps , the king's throne was placed upon it , all imbroidered with large pearls and precious stones of admirable beauty and splend●r . the cardinal port●carero sate upon a chair of state , the constable of castile upon a little low stool ; our ambassador seated himself upon another b●nch , the patriarch of the in●ies continued standin● : the king came followed by his grandees and sate down ▪ and those w●ose right it was to sit down and be covered did it . don pedro colonna secretary of state read with a loud voice the commission which our king had sent to the marquess de villars to assist at this ceremony in his stead . a little silver table was set before the king , on which a crucifix and the gospel was placed . the king kneeling , set his right hand upon the book ▪ all the while that the cardinal read aloud the oath which his majesty took to keep peace with france . when this was over , the ambassador approached and made a complement to the king , who briefly answered him according to the custom , and returned presently to his apartment . all the court was now filled with joy : a masquerade on horseback was kept in the great cour● of the palace ▪ it was divided into two squadrons which ran against one another . prince alexander fa●●ese brother to the duke of parma led one and the duke de medina de las torres led the other . the king named the constable of castile and the duke de medina celi to be judges and arbitrators of the course . the marquess defiat arrived at madrid from the part of monsieur ▪ to make his complements to the king of spain . he received him very kindly and as a person of his merit deserved : he went to toledo to wait upon the qu●en mother , and came back immediately . on the ninth of august a courier from the marquess de 〈◊〉 b●lbara● arived at madrid , who brought the happy ne●● that the marriage of the king with mademoiselle had been solemnized at fountainbleau , and this gave occasion to the masquerades on horseback , and the bonefires that were to be seen for three days together . all this publick rejoycing did not in the least diminish don iuan's melancholy ; and 't is certain , the great perplexity of mind he was under very much impaired his health , and the vigour of his constitution . he was at a stand what party to take , for as he had too much bravery ever to think of giving way to his enemies , so his credit was not strong enough to put him in capacity of resisting them . in this violent condition , he was sensible enough tha● he should never be able to sustain the weight of his affliction , and to say the truth , it cost him his life at last : but great men seldom complain when they become the sport of fortune , and after their example don iuan expected his last day with the constancy and steadiness of a heroe : his tertian ague seized him again , and on the seventh of september he found himself so extreamly ill , that the physitians acquainted the king that there was but little hopes of his recovery . at this news his majesty wept , and testified a sensible grief , he ordered cardinal p●rtocarer● to go to him and learn what condition he was in ; he appeared but little concerned , and prepared himself for death like a ●ood christian and philosopher : he comforted 〈◊〉 his friends with a wonderful presence of ●●nd , a man has lived long enough , said he to ●●em , when he dies without having any thi●g to 〈◊〉 him , i mean in r●la●ion to honour : 〈◊〉 for what concerns my d●ty to god i have been too deficious , and the time of my repentance cannot be too long . he received the holy viaticum , and the king almost every other moment came into his chamber , testifying a great deal of friendship for him , and tenderly complained , that he would abandon him at a juncture , when his assistance was become so necessary to him . don iuan made his will , by which he constituted the king his heir , he left almost all his jewels to the young queen , and the queen mother , and named cardinal portocarero , the duke de medina celi , the duke of alva , and the president of castile to be his executors . he likewise gave order , that as soon as ever he was dead , they should remove his cabinet , which was filled with papers of great importance , out of his own apartment to that of the king. this extream illness of the prince put some stop to the publick rejoycings that were resolved upon , and particularly to a bull-feast , but however it did not hinder them from making fine artificial fireworks in the court of the palace ; nay he desired it himself , altho he was troubled with a furious pain in his head , that might very well be increased with the noise of rockets and crackers . all this while his physitians , who knew nothing of the profound melancholy wherein he was plunged , punished his body for an indisposition , that was properly lodged in the mind● and made him suffer a sort of martyrdom by the several torments they inflicted upon him . in fine , this poor prince died on the seventeenth of september . on the very same day that his father philip iv. did . he was born in . and abounded with a thousand good qualities . a little time after his birth , his mother received the habit of a religious woman from the hands of pope innocent x. who was then the pope's nuncio to king philip iv. this action of her retiring out of the world , justified her from abundance of suspicions , which people entertained upon the score of her imprudent conduct . the king did not acknowledge him till the year . he had the grand priory of malta in castile bestowed upon him , and was sent against the portugueses with the title of generalissimo of the armies by sea and land. after this he reduced the city of naples to its obedience , and went to flanders to command the troops there . he was governour of the low countries , of burgundy and char●lois ; but he came back to march once more against the portugueses . after the de●●h of the king his father , he passed his time , as it above mentioned , at consuegra , the ordinary residence of the grand prior of castile , and when the present king came to be of age , he continued near him . on the twentyeth his body was carried to the escurial , and was interred in the pa●theon , for so the place is called where they lay the bodies of the kings of spain , but those of the princes and princesses of the royal family are placed in a vault which is not far from it ; nay they don't lay the bodies of the queens of spain in the pantheon unless they have had children . he left a very beautiful daught●r behind him , whom he had by a person of gr●●t quality . she is a religiou● among the carm●lit●● at madrid , who are called las descaltas re●les . the first journey the king made after the death of don iuan was to go and visit the queen mother , he parted the very same day from madrid , and lay on the way at ara●juez , and arrived the next day at toledo . the queen received him with great testimonies of tenderness , they mingled their tears together as they embraced one another , and dined , and afterwards entertained one another a long time in private . all those that accompanied the king , kissed her majesty's hand ; so after the day was ag●eed upon for her to come back to madrid , he left her . we may easily believe , that she took but little time to prepare her self for a journey that was so welcome to her . the king parted from madrid on the twenty seventh , he lay again at aranj●●z and the next day he set forward to meet the q●een on the way that leads to toledo . as soon as they met , he desired her to come into his coach that they might discourse in private , and so he brought her to buen r●t●r● , which is one of the king's houses scituate at the end of the city . there she rested her self for some time , till the house of the duke d●●eda could be fitted up fo● her , which it seems she chose to reside in , because the palace was not spacious enough to lodge the two queens . it would be an endless piece of trouble to reckon up all the persons of quality , besides the vast multitudes of people that accompanied their majesties at their arrival , and indeed this mighty alteration of fortune was very remarkable on the queen mothers side . there was an universal joy for her return in the very same city , where but two years ago don iuan was seen to enter as the deliverer of his country , and the queen to go out like a meer fugitive under all the weight of the publick hatred . the king ●arried there till evening , and there scarce passed a day over his head , from the time he went to meet the queen first on the road , but he dined with her , and staid a long time in her company . all the new queens family were just upon the point of going to meet her ; t●e dutchess de terra nova made great preparations , and since every body in a manner envyed her for having so advantagious a post , and don iuan her protector was dead , 't was commonly believed that she would be obliged to resign it : but she foresaw and prevented all this by taking possession of her apartment in the palace , from whence it was not so easie a matter to eject her now , as it would have been before . she departed on the twenty sixth of september with the marquess d' ast●rgas , and the whole family of the queen except the duke d' osso●e , whose equipage could not be got ready , because he was but just returned from his banishment . but before i carry on these memoirs any farther , i judge it not amiss to speak a few words of some of the lords that belonged to the court when i was there . i shall particularly enlarge upon those that were of the council of state , for it will be no small satisfaction to the r●●der to know the characters of those persons , whose names he meets so frequently . i shall not here speak of the duke de m●dina celi , nor of the cons●able of castile , neither do i pretend to name them according to their rank and order , but shall only place them as they occur first to my remembrance , and shall begin with . the duke of alva or dalbe of the family of toledo , he has a vast estate and a considerable revenue , and yet for all that is not before hand in the world ; he enjoys several good places and a large pension at court. he was a witty obliging person , and shew'd but little kindness to the queen mother . he was . years old . don pedro de arragon was formerly known by the name of the marquess de p●bar , he endeavoured to relieve perpig●●● , when he was general of the horse , but had the ill luck to fall into the hands of the french , amongst whom he continued a prisoner for some time . at his return to madrid , the king made him governour to the prince don bakazar his son , who died by overheating himself , and was afterwards let blood in vain . the king upon this enraged against don pedro , banished him . when the king was dead , the queen regent called him home and sent him ambassador to rome . after this he was made viceroy of naples , where according to the custom he heaped a great treasure together , and what is more remarkable , knew how to keep it , for this is not the genius of that nation . he was . years old . the admiral of castile of the family d' henri●●● , descended from a bastard of the kings of castile , was a great lord , and better shaped than any in the court : he was tall of statu●e and well proportioned , the air of his face was great and noble , and he had a world of wit , was a of gentle easie deportment , and had nothing to trouble him , but only his being . years old . he had an excellent talent at writing of verses , which flowed naturally from him , and in these diversions he employed himself more than in his ●●●mestick affairs . he was born a libertine , and lived private , and could not fix himself so as to make a regular court either to the king or the chief minister . he was of opinion that whatever is done by constraint cannot be recompenced by all the favours of fortune , he communicated himself to a very few persons , whether it were , because he had too exquisite and nice a tast to accommodate himself to all the world , or because he was a lover of solitude , which the most delicious gardens and the finest house in madrid recommended to him . formerly he kept some mistresses , for whose sakes he almost ruined himself . he was master of the horse to the king. the marquess d' astorgas of the family d' ozorio was in his time a person of the greatest gallantry in the world , and notwithstanding the disadvantage of being . years old , continued still to be so . he was of a chearful lively spirit , and talked justly and well upon all occasions . he was grand master of the young queens horse ; his lady having entertained an implacable jealousie and hatred against a young beautiful woman , for whom he had an extraordinary affection , found an occasion to kill her , took out her heart and made a ragoo of it . when her husband had eaten part of it , she asked him how he liked it , he answered very well . i am much surprized at it , says she , for 't is the heart of your mistress , and immediately drew out her head , all bloody as it was , from under her farthingal , and so threw it upon the table , where he was with several of his friends . 't is easie to imagine how ●●eply he was concerned at so tragical a sight , she saved her self in a convent , whither she retired full of rage and jealousie , and never stirred out of it . the marquess's affliction was so great , that it had like to have made an end of him . he was exceeding rich . the prince de stillano of the house of gusman , and duke de medina de las torres , had abundance of wit , and if he had joyned a little more experience to his natural parts , had assuredly been capable of the greatest things . but he was never out of madrid , and lived an effeminate lazy life there , which alienated his mind from all manner of business . he lived at la floride near the gates of madrid , where he had charming gardens , and continued there under so unconcerned a state , that he neither received nor made any visits , and never endeavoured to draw any advantages from the court ; he had a prodigious estate , but for all that it was sufficiently intangled , for want of putting every thing in order . when he married the daughter of duke d' albe he ordered a sedan to be made for her all covered over with plates of gold , and garnished with coral ; but when it was finished , no body was found strong enough to carry it . he was . years old , and was deeply in the interests of the queen mother . the duke d' ossone of the house de giron was master both of good and bad qualities , that equally distinguished him . he loved his friends passionately , and served them freely with his credit and purse , he was of a liberal temper , and a great adorer of ladies , sparing no cost to ingratiate himself with them ; he was an irreconcileable enemy , and withall was of a proud naughty imperious humour , that made him insupportable to all the world ; and yet his conversation was diverting and pleasant enough , when he could leave off his grandeur and rhodomontadoes . he was a man of an inflexible steadiness , and always had some quarrel or other in court or city . he was one of the richest noblemen in spain , and might be about . years old . he had been vice roy of catalonia , governour of milan , president of the orders , and was master of the horse to the young queen . the count de chinch●● was formerly called marquess de bayon●a : he had been general of the spanish gallies , was a brave man , he neither was rich , nor desired to be so . he was . years old . don vincente gonzagua , prince de guastalla , had never been married , he was a very polite witty person , and came very young to the spanish court , where he ran through most of the considerable posts , and always acquitted himself well in them . he had been vice-roy of catalonia and sicily , and being a man of singular integrity , don iuan caused him to come to him to madrid , in order to give him a place in the council . he was . years old . don louis portocarero , cardinal and arch-bishop of toledo , possessed the greatest benefices in spain . he was extreamly rich , and his archbishoprick was worth three hundred and sixty thousand crowns per annum to him . he did abundance of good in his station , was very obliging and courteous , of an easie temper , and had the repute of being an honest man. he might be about . years old . the marquess de liche , who carried the name of de haro gusman , had two very opposite qualities , he was liberal and yet covetous , he carried his magnificence even to an excess , considering his rank in the world , but especially towards his mistresses ; nevertheless he sometimes shewed his frugality in things that did him no credit . he had but an ordinary mein , and was ill-favoured , but was master of all the wit , penetration and vivacity imaginable . he was a great lord , full of ambition and so naturally forward and adventurous , that they feared him at court , and kept him always at a great distance . he was ambassador at rome , and was . years old . the count de monterey was brother to the marquess de liche ; more medling in all affairs . and no less ambitious , but more discreet , and more moderate , gallant , liberal and witty . he had a great deal of experience , and people were well contented with his conduct in the government of flanders . he was not above . years old . 't was observable , that he was well-shaped , and his wife very deformed , whereas the marquess de liche , his brother , was very deformed , and his wife exceeding beautiful . the marquess de los balbazez a geniese , of the house of spinola , was very rich . he was not without justice reproached for falling into an excess in the manag●ment of his domestick concerns . he married the sister of the constable colonna : the bigness and and figure of that lady were very remarkable . it must be owned that he had both zeal and capacity for the service of his master . he had been governour of milan , and afterwards was ambassador at vienna and at france , and plenipotentiary at nimeguen . he was . years old . don diego sarmiento was originally of gallicia , his birth was not illustrious . the queen mother protected him , and procured for him the place of councellor of state , because he was altogether devoted to her service . he was a person of great abilities and prudence , and reckoned to be . years old . the duke de villa-hermosa of the house of borgia , mightily increased his fortunes during his stay in flanders , where he was governour . he passed for a person of great bravery , and had the character of a sweet-tempered affable man. he was not very rich , and might be about . years old . don melchior navarra owed his elevation to his good fortune , and to the queen mother . he was a man of great merit and knowledge , and was a member of the council royal. he left spain in the year . to be vice-roy of peru , and was supposed to be , years old . the marquess de los-velez was son to the marchioness de los-velez , who had been gover●●nte to the king : he married the sister of the dutchess de medina celi , he was vice-roy of naples , and made himself to be beloved there for his good qualities . he was master of a great fortune , but of greater vertues , and was but . years old . the count d' oropeza , who carries the name of toledo conjunctly with that of portugal , was young and not above . years old . his stature was somewhat of the lowest , otherwise he was well enough made as to his person , of a smiling agreeable countenance , and a sweet and infinuating conversation , open in appearance , but in effect very reserved and close , not always speaking as he thought , and generally intent upon nothing but to deceive and amuse . he pretended to be devout , and under the exteriour shew of unconcernedness for the world concealed his great ambition , to which he might be prompted perhaps by his illustrious birth : he was of the house of portugal , and presumptive heir of that kingdom in case the king had no children . the king at that time loved him exceedingly , and this love has been since wonderfully increased ; he is become a favourite and chief minister . the marquess de mansera had been formerly sent . ambassador into germany , and afterwards was made vice-roy of new spain , where he enriched himself , and came back to madrid : he was of so unhealthful a constitution , that he could not fill the chief places of the government , which otherwise he might have done , being a person of great capacity , in regard of his experience and judgment . he was . years old . the duke d' albuquerque was general at sea , he was very brave , and was not destitute of wit. he married the daughter of his eldest brother to keep up the name of his family , which was that of cueva , and was very antient . he might be about . years old . don iuan ieronimo d' eguya was born at gesue , but his family was of nav●●re , and his father had been gentleman to the duke de turcis : he was well shaped and agreeable , had abundnace of wit , and lived in the quality of a page to don pedro fernandez del campo , secretary of state : his master loved him exceedingly , and made him his chief commissary . he afterwards rose to be secretary ; for don pedro del campo not being in the good graces of valenzuela , d' eguya was chosen to officiate in his place by a commission , and after some time had the good fortune to get it for himself , for he , to whom it belonged , died of grief because he was not permitted to exercise it any longer . the king had a great kindness for him , and he behaved himself towards his majesty with all the address imaginable . his office was under the king's apartment , he was called secretary of state and del despacho vniversal . he was never of the council : his employment directly fastned him to the person of the king and chief minister . he kept the bolfillo , without being obliged to give up his accounts . now these are the fines that come to the king , as well from spain as the indies ; they amount to a prodigious summ , and are employed for secret services , either by way of presents or pensions . all these persons , whom i have mentioned , were very eminent and considerable , and possessed the chief offices and greatest employments . there is another class of courtiers still behind , which is only composed of young lords , who are there called guaps , as we call them in france les petits m●●tres . the most witty and well-shaped among these are reckoned to be the duke d' v●zeda , the marquess de penaranda , the count d' altamire , the sons of the duke de cessa , the prince de montoleon ; don antonio and don francisco de toledo , sons of the duke dalbe , and don fernand de toledo his nephew , the two silva brothers to the duke de pastrane , the marquess de leyva , the duke de medina sidonia , the marquess de quintana , and the son of the duke de medina celi . altho the eldest of these lords is not above . years old , yet they were most of them married ; for they take care in spain to make themselves acquainted with his godship hymen , as soon as is possible . and now as for the ladies , i shall only say in general , that there is no place in the world where they have a greater share of vivacity and wit , and a better talent to please , than they have in spain ; amongst these , without reckoning the maids of honour that belonged to the two queens , the most remarkable for wit were the dutchesses dalbuquerque , de terra nova , d' ossone , de frias , de medina celi , d' hijar , de pastrane , and the countesses de monterey and de villambrosa ; for beauty the marchioness de liche , the princess de montelion the marchioness de la roche , the countess de penaranda , the princess stillano , the dutchess d' osseda , the wife of don pedro of arragon , that of don henrique henriques , and the marchioness de la puebla . the constraint wherein they live , the climate of the country and their own natural temper carry them to gallantry on course . they are for the most part little , lean and slender , their skin is swarthy , soft , and painted , their features regular , their eyes full of fire , their hair black and in great abundance , and their feet small to admiration . their habit sits so ill upon them , that unless one has been long accustomed to it , she can scarce know how to endure it . the men are no less disadvantageously apparalled ; they always come to court in their golilia and a black cloak and hanging sleeves , and altho they be never so well shaped and handsom , with fine heads of hair and good features , yet their awkward way of dressing and parting their hair on one side of their face , and throwing it behind their ears , does abominably disfigure them . this digression has caused me to interrupt the series of these memoirs , but now to reassume my discourse , i must inform my reader , that the good understanding which passed between the king and the queen mother , occasioned abundance of people to make their court to the latter . they looked upon her as a princess , who had assumed all her former authority , for the king was still young , and had need of good counsel , and his mother being accustomed to govern , was for all sorts of reasons more capable to direct him than any one besides . nay it was commonly believed , that she would not be displeased to take the government again into her hands , and so some by inclination , and others out of policy endeavoured to get into her favour , in order to obtain some place or other under the new ministry , that was going to be formed , as well upon the score of her return , as the arrival of the young queen . the world had reason to believe , that the face of affairs would be absolutely changed , and therefore every one thought of himself in the present conjuncture . 't is true abundance of persons that were very well read in politicks , judged that the queen mother would not perhaps manage the reins of the government , they pretended that this would be always a weighty and troublesom charge , that she had been of late years accustomed to ease and quietness , and having undergone all the varieties of an uncertain fortune , she was afraid of seeing her self exposed to them the second time ; that there was hopes she would disswade the king from taking a chief minister , and that she would be forward enough to make him conceive an aversion for one ; that to effect this she only needed to put him in mind of the sorry figure he made , when don iuan had such an authority over him , and that in fine she would endeavour to form a junta , which should be composed of her own creatures ; that this would be the true way to reign , without making her self responsible for any events ; that all her orders would be punctually executed , and yet she not appear to have any hand in them . i ought to acquaint my reader , that a iunta is an extraordinary council of state , which the kings of spain erect to remedy the pressing necessities of the state : for example , philip iv. by his last will created a iunta to serve and assist the queens council during the minority of the king his son. thus people searched after , and as easily found out the lords who were to compose this iunta ; the hatred or the friendship of those persons that made reflections upon the present affairs enriched or impoverished those they had a mind to ; they bestowed offices and took them away , they made vows to no purpose , and had effectual fears and apprehensions upon them : in a word , all these busie spirits were divided upon the point , and the most quiet among them found themselves somewhat concerned for what was to come . but the queen mother made no stir , she seemed in appearance to have no other thoughts than how to establish her self in the favour of the king her son , and serve her self in the same condition . this young prince was passionately in love , and was sensible of all the pleasure that accompanies those agreeable ideas , that love uses to inspire , and flattered himself to see all his expectations suddenly crowned ; the possessing a princess , who was already become so dear to him , employed his heart to such a degree , that he could think of nothing else . he pressed the time of his departure that he might be the sooner with her . the arrival of the courier , who brought the news , that the queen was advanced towards the frontiers was expected with extream impatience . the marquess de los balbazez sent them word exactly on what day she was to arrive at irun : while she was in the territories of france the kings houshold waited upon her . the prince d' harcourt accompanied her in quality of ambassador extraordinary and the princess his wife likewise made the journey . the mareshal clerambant's lady who was governness to her , waited upon her as lady of honour , mademoiselle de grance as lady of the wardrobe , and this place has left her the name of madam instead of that of mademoiselle . nothing was omitted in any of the cities through which her majesty passed , to receive her with a respect suitable to her high rank , and we may say she so much set off the grandeur of her birth by her natural beauty , and by her engaging and courteous deportment ; that all france was sensibly grieved to lose her . one of the first persons that took the freedom to speak to the queen and give her advice was a religious theatin , called father vintimiglia . he was born in sicily of an illustrious family , and was brother to the count de prade who happened to be governour of palermo at the time when that city revolted in the late troubles . he had been seized , and people thought it would have cost him his head , but he got the favour to be sent to madrid to justifie himself ; his brother the theatin went along with him to assist him with his credit . he was a bold hardy adventurous man , and devoted himself entirely to don iuan , and his zeal for that prince carried him so far , that in some of his sermons he spoke of the queen mother with very little respect . this father departed from madrid , in company with the duke d' ossone , and tho he had not now any hopes of being made the queens confessor , as he had before the death of don iuan , yet he could not forbear to go as far as bayonne to salute her ; his deportment , his birth , and his knowledge of the french tongue , which he spoke perfectly well , because he had resided a long time at paris , procured him access enough to the young queen to take his opportunity of prepossessing her with some suspicions and jealousies against the queen her mother in law , and the french ambassador . by this piece of conduct he did not only design to injure those persons who had formerly been enemies to don iuan , but he had a particular aim , that personally respected himself , and wherein his ambition had by much the upper hand of his discretion : and that was to perswade the queen to endeavour the erecting of a iunta , that was to depend solely upon her . he told her , that in order to bring this design about , she was to chuse the duke d' ossone to be a member of it , because he was a person of consummate abilities , and besides had a great zeal for her majesty , he took care to reckon himself in the number of the ministers , and could not forbear to write a scheme of the government ; the memoirs of which he gave to the duke d' harcourt , to the end that he might present them to the queen , but 't is very probable , he never showed them to her majesty . the queen was now advanced as far as st. iohn-de-luz , and she departed from thence about one a clock in the afternoon on the third of november , followed by the guards an corps of the king. she came to a wooden house that was purposely prepared for her , it was gilded and painted within and without , there was a great hall in it , a chamber , and a moveable closet of crimson-damask with galloon and a rich lace of gold and silver . this house was scituate upon the brink of the river de bidassoa which parts france from spain . as soon as the queen arrived there , she put on a most sumptuous habit , then coming into the hall , she took part of a noble collation : there she staid a little , and afterwards retired into her chamber , after this she ascended a scaffold , and placed her self in a chair of state under a noble canopy ; at this very moment she was seized with an air of melancholy which shewed what a regret she had to be so near leaving france . the prince d' harcourt placed himself at her right hand , the princess d' harcourt at her left , the mareshal clerambaut's lady and madam de grance behind her chair . monsieur de saintot went to inform the marquess d' astorgas of it , who was major d●no to the queen . he was in a boat upon the river , near a little island , which the treaty of the pyrantes has rendred since so famous , and which was joyned to the queen's house by a bridge of communication . the guards de corps formed themselves into several squadrons in this place . the marquess was waiting for his orders in this boat , which was very magnificent , and was prepared on purpose to carry her majesty over to the other side . as soon as he was informed that the queen expected him , he set foot upon the ground , and fourscore persons , gentlemen , pages , or valets marched on foot before him , he threw himself immediately at the feet of the queen , kissed her hand , made her a complement , got up again , and covered himself , without staying for the queen to say any thing to him . the prince d' harcourt covered himself likewise at the same time . the marquess spoke to her all the while in spanish , and presented her majesty with two letters from the king and queen mother ; but before he gave them , he touched them upon his forehead , his eyes , his mouth , and his heart , as the fashion is . the queen told him she was extreamly glad that the king her husband had given him the charge of conducting her . after this the old marquess turned himself towards the prince d' harcourt , and made him a complement , who answered that he had orders from the king his master to deliver the queen of spain into his hands . monsieur de chateanneu● counsellor of the parliament of paris , read the act of deliverance in french ; and don alançon , caruero , secretary of state , read the act of reception in spanish . the marquess presented several persons of quality to her majesty , who kissed her hand kneeling down upon one knee . the bishop of pampelune kissed her hand , but did not kneel . the queen did not press to depart , but the marquess informed her that it was high time to march ; she immediately arose , placing him on her right hand and a m●nin of honour on her left , upon whose shoulder she leaned , for he was a young boy , and thus she advanced towards the bridge . the dutchess de terra nova met her just about the middle , and kissed her hand with the ladies of the palace that followed her , who threw themselves all at her feet . after the dutchess had made her complement , she presented several spanish ladies to the queen . monsieur de repaire , lieutenant of the king'sguards ducorps , who carried the queens train , gave it to the dutchess . the queen entred into the boat along with her , her chamber was glazed all over ; and thus being all alone with this old dame , she cast her eyes frequently towards that side of the kingdom which she had quitted , and her languishing air sufficiently testified by what commotions she was agitated within . twenty four seamen placed in two barques drew the boat along , and the spanish horse discharged their musquetoons and pistols as soon as it began to move , the artillary of fontarabia answered them with a great firing . the prince and princess d' harcourt , the other ladies and all the queens attendants passed over in boats that were prepared on purpose . the queen setting foot upon the ground towards the evening , found her own coach , her litter , and a chair with abundance of men in liveries ; she placed her self in her chair , and twenty valets on foot lighted the way with long flambeaux of white wax : when they came to irun , te deum was sung , and this was the first time her supper was served after the spanish fashion ; the repast was so little and so ill drest , that she was extreamly surprized at it , and could scarce eat at all . alas ! that a young princess bred up in the most magnificent and refined court in the world should be forced to pass so many sorrowful melancholy moments . she had always had the liberty hitherto to eat in publick , and it had not been denied to her upon the way ; she danced , she rode on horseback , she knew and esteemed those that were her companions , and they ( if i may use the expression ) adored her . and now she found her self all on a suddain amongst persons whom she knew not , and consequently could not appear amiable enough to divert her grief , she understood so very little of their language , that she could not tell what they meant , or return them any answer without trouble ; then besides all this , the manner wherein they served her appeared so strange , and carried so small a resemblance to that of france , that she was not a little discomposed at it . all was ceremony , all was restraint and affection ; from the very first day she appeared amongst them , the spaniards expected she should know and do every thing as readily as themselves , who had been learning them the better part of their lives . they never considered the difference between the two nations , that are opposite to one another in every punctilio , but believing that her majesty ought immediately to be made acquainted with their way of living , which she was religiously to observe for the rest of her life , they dispensed with her in nothing , so that from that time she suffered a kind of slavery , to which the rigid humour of her camarera major contributed very much ; but the natural sweetness of the queens temper , and her prudence made her receive all these things , that naturally fatigued and displeased her , with a world of patience . nevertheless one would have been apt to conclude , that out of meer policy the dutchess de terra nova ought to have managed the good disposition of the queen after another manner , especially since having no interest in her at present , she ought by a courteous deportment to have gained her favour , because she had so great a number of considerable enemies ; and the greatest part of the court ladies were desirous of her place . the prince who advanced her to this post , was already dead , all appearances seemed to predict her fall , and she her self was very apprehensive of it . however she took different measures from what any body would have thought she ought to observe , for instead of shewing any complaisance to her young mistress , she became a spy upon her actions , so that by this means she might merit the king's favour . she studied all her inclinations , and her humour , she frequently caused some french women , that followed her to madrid to be entertained , she drew strange consequences from the slightest occasions , and every thing became poison in her hands . she likewise drew for her self a plan of the conduct she was to follow , and this effectually hindred her from being turned out of her post. she was not only content with taking these remote measures to ingratiate her self with the king , but likewise was of opinion , that to secure her own interests , she was to hinder the young queen from ever having any friendly correspondence with the queen mother , or reposing any confidence in her : because her party being absolutely opposite to that of don iuan , it was natural to believe that the first sacrifice she would demand of her daughter in law , would be the removal of the camarera , who was the creature of her enemy . besides she could not flatter her self , that the young queen would refuse to give the queen mother this proof her complaisance , at a conjuncture that would deliver her from a sort of a governess , whom she had no great reason to love ; thus she could not think of a better expedient to support her self , than by possessing the queen , that the queen mother was her secret enemy ; that she would oppose her in every thing ; that she could never forget that she was in part the cause that the marriage of the arch dutchess her grand-daughter was not consummated with the king her son ; that she was always uneasie because she had not that ascendant , as she desired , over the king's affections ; that she was resolved to keep her under a subjection that was more befitting a daughter in law , than the spouse of so great a monarch . to effect this more easily , she had instructed some persons that stood very near the queen , who acted their parts well enough . when they first took the liberty to discourse her about this affair , she thought them to be altogether devoted to her service , and their pretended tears seemed to engage for the sincerity of their apparent zeal , what have you lost madam , would they say to her sometimes with a mournful air , what have you lost by the death of don iuan ? what would not he have done to please you ? if it had not been for him the king had married the arch dutchess , and his breaking off that match drew abundance of mortal enemies upon him . now if you could promise your self , that the ambassador of france would prove faithful to you , you might find some consolation in him , you might follow his advice , and profit your self by his directions ; but considering his present dispositions , heaven preserve you , madam , from taking his counsel : alas , he quarrelled with don iuan only upon the queen mothers account , he clearly declared himself for her in his first embassie , and she reposes an intire confidence in him . thus your majesty cannot show your self too great a stranger to such a minister , that will never go cordially along with you , and who will penetrate into your private sentiments for no other reason , than only to make an ill use of them . the queen was extreamly alarm'd at the things they told her , and knew not which way to determine her self , being so young , and having no experience in this new world , where she was acquainted with no body . she departed from irun , and lay that night at hernani . the next day she mounted on horseback , followed by the dutchess de terra nova , who made but a sorry figure upon her mule ; madam de grance accompanied her . the marquess d' astorgas , and the duke d' ossone , with each a pair of spectacles upon their nose , as is the fashion of the grandees , bore their shares in the cavalcade . the marquess placed himself next her majesty , because she was to be his charge till she saw the king ; but the duke pretended a right to the same place , as being master of the horse , and so took it by force , menacing the marquess very haughtily . this dispute obliged the queen to take coach again . she lay that night at tolosette , where as soon as she was arrived , the duke d' ossone arrested the guard , who had abused his coachman , because he would not suffer the coach of the marquess d' astorgas to go before his . this quarrel was renewed upon the discharging of their offices ; the marquess pretended , that all the honours of the queens reception belonged to him ; the duke maintained that he being master of the horse , ought therefore to have all the pre-eminences in her house . to decide the matter , they were forced to write to the king about it , who decided it in favour of the marquess . the duke not thinking himself justly dealt with , continued his pretensions still , but this obstinacy drew an order upon him to return to madrid , with a prohibition to pass through burgos , where the king was at that time . in effect , the king left madrid on the twenty second of october , being but slenderly accompanied . the duke de medina celi , lord chamberlain , the constable , and don ioseph de silva were all three in his coach ; as for the admiral of castile he did not go along with them , for he pretended that for want of mony he was not in a capacity to fit out an answerable equipage : there might indeed be something of truth in this pretence ; but it is certain , that his natural laziness was the real occasion , he loved his pleasure , he shunned all trouble , and carefully avoided whatever might make him uneasie , and this was the true reason why he did not meet the king and queen till they were within a days journey of madrid . the king continued fifteen days at burgos , because he was extreamly troubled with a cold , in the mean time the queen advanced forwards by small journeys . she wrote to him several times , and he answered her again . her majesty was forced to send to him to demand leave to dine in publick , and sometime to ride on horseback ; for those two terrible creatures the marquess d' astorgas , and the camarera major would not consent to it , till they had received positive orders . he granted it very freely , and she sent to him in this place a watch beset with diamonds , and a cravat with a knot of a fire colour . he immediately put on the cravat , and ordered five hundred pistols to be given to the gentleman who brought him the present . the count d' altamire , grandee of spain ; came to ognate to complement the queen from the king , and presented her with bracelet of diamonds and rubies . she arrived on the eleventh to victoria , where a lamentable comedy was prepared to regale her . there it was that she drest her self first a l' espagnolle , and she appeared no less beautiful and charming in that , than in her french habit. she went likewise to the great church , where the bishop of calahorra received her at the gate , and held the canopy over her , she afterwards was pleased to go and see a bull-feast in the market-place , but there was little or no magnificence in the sight , because it was only performed by citizens . she received in this place a pair of pendants for the ears , with pearls to them of a pear fashion , this present was sent to her from the queen mother , and was valued at four hundred thousand livers . monsieur the ambassador of france came to wait upon her at bribiesca , and tho he tarried but a little time with her , and their conversation was but short , yet he could very easily observe that she exprest a great uneasiness , and a particular distrust of him ; he could not penetrate into the reason of it , however he presently judged that these dispositions were not natural to her , he told her several things that might be serviceable to her , he advised her not to amuse her self with the different impressions that any persons might endeavour to make upon her , that she ought to consider that the greatest part of those that waited on her only minded their own proper interests , that her surest way would be to love the king cordially , and so by that means engage him to love her ; to unite her self to the queen mother , and concert all affairs with her ; that she ought to rest satisfied , that that princess had a great kindness for her , and that if she took care to make suitable returns , she would find the affections of a true mother in her . the young queen was already prepared for this discourse , and particularly for what concerned the queen mother . she had been tampered with upon that point before , but if she had seriously examined what he spoke to her , she had soon been made sensible , as she was a person of extraordinary wit , that the ambassador dealt plainly with her , and that whoever perswaded her to the contrary , endeavoured to disunite her from her real interests . he took his leave of her , and went back to the king at burgos , and during this short time he had the honour to discourse with her , she still entertained him with great coldness and indifferency . the prince d' harcourt was advanced as far as burgos to salute the king ; and since the queen was to come to quintanapalla , which is within three leagues of it , it was generally supposed that she would come to lie there on the nineteenth of november , and that the ceremony of the marriage would be there solemnized : but the marquess de villars , having met , as he was coming back , the patriarch of the indies who was going to meet the queen , it came immediately into his head , that the marriage might perhaps be consummated , without his being informed of it ; this thought made him inquire the news of don geronimo d' eguya , secretary of state , who only told him , that the queen was expected the next day at burgos . this doubtful answer , which had nothing positive in it , obliged our ambassador to inform himself still more particularly , and he understood at last that the king was to go the next day to quintanapalla to celebrate the marriage . being assured of this , he took care to send advice of it to the prince d' harcourt , and they departed together soon enough to be with the queen before the king arrived thither . when they came there , they found it no difficult matter to discover , that the spaniards desired to have the marriage solemnized without them . the camarera major , who was altogether of that opinion , and to whom they spoke with abundance of honest freedom , told them coldly that they were not to assist at the ceremony , and that the king would have no body be there , except only those whose presence was indispensably necessary , such as the chief officers , and some gentlemen of the bed-chamber . the prince d' harcourt and the marquess de villars answered , that the king their master had given them orders to be present at it . she fiercely replied , that the king their master had nothing to do to command in spain . monsieur de villars told her that the king his master was used to command his ambassadors , and that they would obey him in every thing ; that if the king was not willing to have them assist at his marriage , he ought to signifie to them by an order in writing that they were not to be there . the camarera ravished with joy that she had an opportunity to show her zeal for the king of spain , altho this was a very improper time for it , was so far transported with the matter , and spoke several things so incoherent and so fierce , that the ambassadors left her and addressed themselves to the marquess d' astorgas ; he patiently listned to them , and told them ingenuously that he would immediately dispatch a gentleman to the king to know his pleasure herein . this gentleman found him on the way , and he consented that the messieurs d' harcourt and villars should assist at the ceremony . in short it was occasioned by the industrious diligence of some persons who had no inclination to the french , that this thought was insinuated into the king : they were of opinion , that so august a marriage ought not to be celebrated in a poor village , where there were not above a dozen houses , and their spanish vanity was so extreamly offended at it , as to desire that the ambassadors of so great a king might not be witnesses of so great a negligence , not to say misery . and now , to excuse the matter , they gave out that the king was young and amorous , that every thing that hastned the pleasure of seeing his spouse touched him so sensibly , that he even forgot the magnificence and grandeur of his rank ; that love alone made up the honours of his feast , and that the king thought this alone sufficient . the queen having passed the night at quintanapalla , about ten a clock in the morning was told that the king was arrived ; this news caused a small emotion in her , and spread a colour upon her cheeks that made her still appear more beautiful and lovely . she went to receive him in her spanish dress , and having met him as he was just going to enter her anti-chamber , she would have thrown her self several times at his feet , and kissed his hand , but he hindered her still and saluted her after the spanish fashion , that is , without kissing her , but pressing her arms close with his two hands , and calling her often mireina , mireina , my queen , my queen . they discoursed together a long time , without being able to understand one another , and this was certainly no little pain to them . monsieur villars , who perceived it , advanced forward to serve as an interpreter ; if he did not say every thing they said , it is at least very certain that he spoiled nothing of their conversation , and that he mingled a great deal of tenderness , and passion with it . the king was drest a la scombergue , which is properly after the french mode , and all his attendants were clad after the same manner : for the campagne habits of the spaniards somewhat resemble ours . the marquess de villars having observed that the grandees of spain took the right hand , spoke to the king about it , and represented to him , the rank the marquess de los balbazez had given to him at fountainbleau , when the queen was espoused there . this reason prevailed , so the king ordered the ambassadors of france to be treated after the same manner . the constable of castile could not be brought to quit his place without some trouble ; he had still a small dispute upon the point , which continued a little time between the ambassador and him , however civility was still preserved on both sides , and the rest of the grandees placed themselves behind the king. don antonio de benavidez y bazan , patriarch of the indies and grand almoner gave them a second benediction ; the ceremony was performed incognito in the queens anti-chamber : if the arch-bishop of burgos had not been indisposed , he had performed this office. whilst mass was saying , they put a ribbond of black taffaty about the king and queen , tied up in a true lovers knot , and a white gauze with a silver fringe upon the king's shoulders , and over the queens head. the dutchess de terra nova held up her train . when the ceremony was over , the king and queen withdrew into a chamber by themselves , where they continued two hours alone : they dined afterwards in publick , and parted from thence to go and lie at burgos . there was no body with them in the coach , and since they did understand one another but very little , one can scarce imagine what they said , however the king appeared very amorous and affectionate ; several grandees of spain went before their majesties with very stately liveries , and accompanied them to the palace , where a comedy was acted , and artificial fireworks were to be seen . the next day the king came to a rich abby of nuns , that are called las huelgas , which is not much beyond the suburbs of burgos : she dined there , and about three a clock made her entry on horseback , being drest after the spanish mode , but appeared so beautiful and charming , that she ravished the hearts of all the spectators . three grandees marched before her , the marquess d' astorgas followed her ; a canopy was carried over her head ; the old dutchess de terra nova rode upon a mule , and the maids of honour accompanied her on horseback . on the twenty second of november prince d' harcourt made his entry , and had audience of the king and queen ; after dinner there was a bull-feast , which pleased the queen exceedingly , because the cavaliers showed extraordinary dexterity and courage in the performance . the day following she saw the parejas , that is to say , an horserace , in which nothing is observeable , but that two men who start together , ride even without going a step one before the other , altho they ride full speed : sixty gentlemen clad in silver brocard ran after this manner . after they had thus spent three days in different pleasures and diversions , it was high time to think of going to madrid ; most of the french gentlemen and ladies that followed the queen took leave of her in this place , so that the greatest part of the houshold went back to france ; but this was not done without shedding abundance of tears . the queen had the liberty still to keep with her her two nurses , two women of the chamber , some valets de chambre , a gentleman to look after five or six english horses she had ordered to be brought with her , and some other officers for her table . she presented the prince and princess d' harcourt , the mareshal clerembaut's lady , and madam de grance with her picture enriched with diamonds of different prices , according to the quality of the persons to whom she gave them : and the obliging manner wherewith she knew how to accompany her liberalities augmented the price of them exceedingly . they pretend that the present the king made the prince d' harcourt was worth twenty hundred thousand crowns , but it fell much short of it ; the queen got a pension of two thousand crowns for madam de grance , which was to be paid her where-ever she lived . the princess d' harcourt , and the other ladies that followed the queen went back to france , while she and the king took the way to madrid , being both by themselves , and sate in the back part of the coach. several officers of the houshold went before , and marched by different roads to avoid an embarras ; the counts d' arcos , and de talara , don ioseph de silva , and the duke d' hijar , gentlemen of the chamber , were named by the king to accompany him in his journey ; he came back the very same way as he went to burgos ; he lay at lerma , at aranda , at st. stephen de gormas , and at guadalajara : the nuncio and the venetian ambassador came thither to make their complements to the queen : the next day their majesties arrived at torrejon , which is within three leagues of madrid . all the while that the court was on the way from burgos to this place , the camarera major frequently discoursed the king in private : she found it no difficult matter to insinuate those sentiments into him , that are so natural to the spaniards , and he had for his share been educated in a country where they make no reckoning of a ladies virtue , unless they take away from her all opportunities of trangressing . she represented to him the ill consequences of that liberty which the women are allowed in france ; that it was absolutely necessary for the queen to live after the retired manner that those of her sex observe at madrid ; that she was young , lively , and of a brillant spirit , accustomed to the french fashions ; that what is innocent in one place may become criminal in another ; but if he would be pleased to confide in her , she would by her great diligence prevent every thing . the king commended her zeal , and gave her sufficient assurances of his confidence . the queen mother was arrived at torrejon before the king ; she quitted her apartment to go and meet their majesties ; when the king saw her , he ran to her and embraced her very tenderly ; the young queen advanced forward at the same time to kiss he● hand , but the queen mother would not suffer it : she took her between her arms , and embraced her several times with great testimonies of friendship , treating her still by the name of her majesty ; but the young queen told her , that she requested her to call her daughter , and love her as one , and to be perswaded that she had all those dutiful sentiments for her , that might make her worthy of this honour . the king gave her his hand on one side , and the queen mother on the other ; and thus going between them she entred the palace , that had been prepared to receive them . the queen mother perceiving that the queen had never a muff , presented her with her own , about which was a great knot of diamonds : afterwards she took from her a ribbond that tied some of her tresses , and in exchange put upon her arm a bracelet that was computed to be worth three thousand pistols . in a word , she showed the queen all marks of her good inclinations to her , from which she might promise her self all happy consequences . she staid with their majesties as long as she could , but went home that evening , because this place had not conveniencies enough to receive her . the next day which was the second of december , the king and queen arrived at madrid , in a coach with the curtains open , that they might be seen by the people . they went down to our ladies datocha , where te deum was sung , and at night lay at buen-retiro ; the next day a comedy was acted , and some french musitians , that followed the queen , prepared some opera's . the dutchess de terra nova being resolved to take entirely from the queen that little liberty that remained to her , and desiring to continue sole mistress of her majesty's will , declared when she was arrived at buen-retiro , that no body , of what quality or condition soever , should see the queen till after she had made her publick entry . this was a sorrowful state , and a heavy restraint to the young queen to find her self thus all on a sudden shut up from those persons , that either might have afforded her some consolation , or diversion , or useful advice . she kept her in this solitary condition at retiro , without permitting her so much as to go out of her apartment . all the entertainment they regal'd her with , was to see long fulsom tedious comedies , little of which she understood ; and the terrible camarera was incessantly before her eyes , with a severe affected air , and never laught , but was perpetually finding fault with something or other . she was a professed enemy to all manner of pleasure , and she treated her mistress with as much authority , as a governess would use towards a little girl . the marquess de villars knew all that passed , and was mightily concerned at it , but it was not time as yet to speak of it . he sent to the dutchess de terra nova to know whether he might have leave to salute the queen , she answered him just as she did all the rest of the world , that she was not to be seen till after the entry was over . this answer he looked upon to be so positive , that not desirous to run the risque of meeting a second refusal , he was forced to acquiesce : but the queen being informed of what had hapned by some of the french women that still continued with her , could not forbear to acquaint the king with it , and obtained leave to see our ambassador de secreto , that is to say , as a private person . she immediately took care to inform him of it ; and the marchioness de villars imagining that she might likewise have the favour of the same priviledge , sent to the camarera major to know whether she might be admitted to wait upon the queen , but she received the same answer that monsieur the ambassador had received from her before , saying in a few words , she had no order to let her in . the gentleman that discoursed the matter with her , still insisted that she had something of moment to say to her ; 't is all one , says the camarera , i 'll never suffer any new customs to be introduced within these walls . her majesty not knowing what had passed between the camarera and the ambassador's lady , charged her confessor to tell her , that she desired to see her , and that she would extreamly oblige her by making her a visit . but she was not in a capacity to obey the orders she had received , and the confessor being informed what obstacles stood in the way , very fairly gave the queen an account of all . she was not a little troubled at the ill services the dutchess had done her ; and one may be able to judge by these few instances what an absolute power that old lady assumed in the queens house , and over the queens person . the queen mother , who came every day to retiro , observed an air of melancholy in the looks of the young princess , which sufficiently testified her disquietude within : she easily apprehended , that a person of her age could not chuse but be disgusted at the severity of the camarera ; so she thought her self obliged to acquaint the king with it , and desired him that he would be pleased to treat her after a more gentle method : she succeeded in her petition , and procured leave for the marchioness de villars to go and wait upon the queen , who was introduced into her apartment through that of the dutchess de terra nova , who appeared less savage and somewhat more respectful to her than she used to be . the king according to the custom of spain , sate in a chair of state , the two queens upon two low stools , and presently another was brought for the ambassador's lady . soon after the queen mother going out along with the king , she found her self alone with the queen , who seeing she was now at liberty to talk , could not ●orbear to shed some tears , as she acquainted her with the sorrowful life she led . after she somewhat eased her self by recounting to her the several ill usages that so much disturbed her , the ambassador's lady did not fail to apply those consolations she judged expedient for one in her condition . she made her sensible , that this life , so full of constraint as it was , and for which she expressed so great a reluctancy , was yet the very same that all the queens and infanta's of spain had ever been accustomed to ; that there was nothing particular in what she suffered ▪ and consequently was not designed to disoblige her ; that she ought to hope , that when the king was better acquainted with her , and saw he had an entire possession of her heart , he might out of complasance allow her some relaxations which hitherto her predecessors had never enjoyed ; that since the queen mother loved her , and cherished her interests as her own , she could not do too much to cultivate that friendship , which would be so advantageous and necessary to her ; that in the distribution of humane things , the greatest happiness is always attended with some inconveniencies ; that she was now elevated to the supreamest grandeur upon earth , which heaven would have her purchase at the expence of a few mortifications , but that her complaisance to the king and queen mother would soon deliver her out of them . she likewise told her several things , which in the conduct she was to observe towards the rest of the court , might assist her to support the beginnings , and render what followed more agreeable to her . madam de villars spoke with a great deal of zeal of the queen mother ; but the young queen being not as yet disingaged from those sentiments with which she had been lately possessed , looked upon all this discourse as designed to mislead her , and tho she ought to have considered that the ambassadress could have no other views in what she told her , than only to make her sensible of her own true interests , yet these advices did not at that time make those impressions upon her , as one could have wished they had for her good . her prejudices to the queen mother , which were perpetually inspired into her , ballanced the confidence she had in madam de villars , and her mind , that was only accustom'd to be entertained with those agreeable things , that use to employ persons of her youth , her temper that was naturally free and lively , dissipated the application she ought to have made , in order to distinguish good counsels from bad . she knew just enough to embarrass her and give her occasions of being uneasy , but could not tell how to disintangle herself , and for want of a steady resolution to free herself from these melancholy ideas , thought it too great a fatigue to solve these apparent contradictions . so she continued under this uncertainty without being able to rescue her self from it , and perhaps by this means lost a favourable juncture that then offer'd it self to deliver her from the subjection , under which the dutchess kept her afterwards . the ambassador of france saw her sometimes whilst she continued at retiro , but this was before company , and besides the time they allotted him to be with her , was so short , that in those general visits they could discourse of no particular affairs . the queen mother continued to visit the queen often , she desired her to dress herself after the french fashion , because she never beheld her in that dress ; she did so , and the queen mother liked it extremely well . when she was returned to her palace , which is the house of the duke d' vzeda , and is one of the finest in madrid , the young queen sent her two little cabinets full of pretty curiosities ; she on the other hand procured her by way of exchange the diversion of going a hunting at pardo . she had not been on horseback since she came to retiro . the king killed a wild boar before her , and after that day they went frequently to the chase together . the councils of the inquisition , of castile , of italy , of flanders , of arragon , of the indies , of war , of the finances , of the crusade , and of the orders , went on new years day to wish a happy year to their majesties ; for this is the custom in spain . the marquess sera a genoese , offer'd to make the naples squadron consist of fourteen gallies , which was never more than seven , and not put the king to any expence , provided he would allow him the same conditions that the duke de tursis had at genoa . he had made this proposal to don iuan , some time before his death , who found it to be very advantageous . however their resolutions are so long a taking in spain , and they have so small a consideration for novelties , of whatsoever use they may prove , that it is almost impossible to introduce one ; and this affair it seems met with the same fortune . the marquess de los balbazez took the oath of fidelity for his place of counsellor of state , and don manuel de lira did the same , for that of secretary of state in italy . the duke d' ossone still expected that they would accommodate the dispute between him and the marquess d' astorgas , but seeing that they said nothing to him about it , he took up a resolution to go no more to court , and appeared every day in the city with a great equipage . this is often enough practised in spain . there are some people in the world that are never to be discountenanc'd by a repulse , and father vintimiglia was of this number : altho he had received no manner of answer to the memorial he gave the pr. d' harcourt at bayonna to present to the queen , yet he could not forbear to draw up a second , wherein he regulated all the monarchy ; he intrusted a french gentleman with it , who promised to find out some means or other to give the queen a sight of it : but whether he show'd it her , or not , 't is certain that vintimiglia by an express order of the king was banished out of all his dominions . he betook himself to the ambassador of france , and nothing more became of the matter . 't was expected that immediately after the king's return some sort of government would be established to settle affairs in their old course , which had been intirely suspended ever since the death of don iuan. just as his death happened , every thing was making ready for the journey , which employ'd all the court , and the king in particular ; his marriage might well enough detain him some time from making those applications he ought to use in the choice of an able minister : and the world was not at all surprized , to find him forget the concerns of the kingdom in general , at a time when he was wholly possess'd with a passion for his queen ; and had his head full of those agreeable ideas , which all lovers amuse themselves with . but now when that business was over , they impatiently expected to see him take up some fixed resolutions . the queen mother who was newly returned from her exile thought of nothing else than how to preserve her self in the favourable scituation she was in at present , and no body in a manner was so interested with the king as to be able to pretend to the ministry . thus the whole government was lodged in the hands of a monarch , who was but years old , and who was never so well versed in things of lesser consequence as to have any just knowledge in greater affairs . the only man that shared the monarchy with him , was don ieronimo d' eguya , who had been secretary of state years , to which post he arrived from that of a simple co●missary . his address together with his good fortune render'd him agreeable to the king , who had followed no other counsel than his , unless d' eguya who was fearful of giving it sometimes , had not advised him to consult the constable of castile , and the duke de medina-celi in certain affairs , because he had no mind to answer for every thing himself . it is indeed true , that during the journey nothing of importance was debated upon , for they only busied themselves about that in particular , and the orders that are necessary to be given upon such occasions . the court became now very full ; the kings marriage and the return of the q. mother had brought together the most considerable persons of the kingdom . every family was consulting about the measures that were to advance some particular man amongst them to the chief ministry : some wished their relations had it , others desired it for their friends , and abundance of people wished to enjoy it themselves : among those that had the justest pretensions were reckoned the constable of castile , and the duke de medina celi : they were both of them furnished with great personal qualities , were both of an illustrious birth , and considerable fortune ; they possessed the chief offices of the crown , were counsellors of state , and their merits equally distinguished them : but nothing was more opposite than these two lords were to one another : an old spirit of hatred , which they were not able to suppress , and which they had testified in a thousand rencounters , increased their common emulation ; their humors and inclinations were as contrary as night is to day . several of their common friends had endeavoured to reconcile them , but their pains were to no purpose : they were all sensible that if they concerted matters together , they would reciprocally render good offices to one another , which might serve to advance their fortune . this was one of the reasons they used to accomodate the matter between them ; but sometimes we meet with aversions that are never to be surmounted , and this i have mentioned was of that number . the duke de medina-celi was years old , his humour sweet and good natur'd , but too slow and careless in matters of moment , of an insinuating agreeable spirit . he was descended of the illustrious houses of castile and de foix : he is seven times a grandee of spain . his wife was heiress of the house of arragon de cardonne , she is very rich on her side , as well as he is on his . he was president of the council of the indies , sommellor du corps , that is to say , high chamberlain , he made his court regularly , and always testified a particular zeal for the person of the king ; and his majesty as he never fails upon that point , expressed a certain affection for him , which he never show'd to any one besides . this made the world believe , that he stood fairer for the ministry than all his competitors . the constable of castile , descended of the house de ve●●sco , was years old , and was master of a considerable estate , nevertheless he did not live easy amidst all his wealth ; he is the tenth hereditary constable of castile , dean of the council of state , and grand master of the king's houshold . his genius is vast , his abilities and knowledge are surprizing , and he was always concern'd in employments , where he acquired experience . the last of his governments was that of flanders , and altho these posts ought to have made him sociable and familiar , yet he always preserved so severe and rigid a character , that it rendred him terrible : access to him is very difficult , and his humour is naturally so imperious , that he can never submit . and this is the reason why he was embroiled so deeply with don iuan , and hindered him from receiving several favours , which that prince would otherwise have willingly bestowed upon him , to have brought him over to his own party . 't is true he declared himself very violently for the queen mother , and this might be one of the principal causes , that kept him from being of don iuan's faction . no body doubted but that the king respected him very much , for what the queen mother might say in favour of him , and the world was perswaded , that among those persons , whose merits she would recommend to the king , the constable would be the first , who besides this would unquestionably find himself supported by all the party that had been ill treated by don iuan , and by all those that continued still in the interests of the queen mother : she was obliged for her own proper interests to procure the king's favour , and the favourite's place for the constable . but amidst all these flattering appearances , he seemed to be very indifferent in the matter , whether it were because the ill posture of affairs , and the tender age of the king , made him apprehend some danger to be in the chief post , or because he was sensible that he had not a prospect of obtaining it at one step , and so was willing to ascend it by degrees . he seem'd to desire that a junto were established for the government , wherein he wou'd bear his share with the inquisitor general and the marquess de mansera . he sometimes told his friends that the weight of great affairs astonished him , and that he found it a harder matter to adjust them , than those persons who behold them only at a distance , can well imagine ; and that all his ambition was to contribute what in him lay to the erecting a junto . the queen mother was not unwilling to have this project take effect ; because this was the way to keep the entire authority in her own hands ; for the council being composed of her creatures , they would in all probability act according to her directions . the constable for his part secretly promised , that by his conduct and management he would always keep the upper hand over the other two , and that thus his companions would only enable him to bear the publick hatred , in case any thing should meet with ill success . but this junto , that would lodge all the authority in the hands of three persons only , destroyed at the same time the expectations of all those that would have it be divided amongst more , out of a consideration of their own interest : this party desired to have it full as numerous as it was during the regency , and would have it composed of the cardinal portocarero archbishop of toledo , of don melchior navarra , who had been formerly vice chancellor of arragon , of the duke de medina celi , and the other three whom i have mentioned . after so many different projects , people were so well satisfied that the council at last would be only composed of the queen mothers creatures , that the alarm became general to those persons who had been devoted to do● iuan , and were very apprehensive of the credit of the queen mother and the advancement of the constable : several of them assembled hereupon , they beheld their ruine in the elevation of the contrary party , and united themselves to the d. de medina celi , to find protection from him , out of hopes of beholding him made chief minister : they considered that it would be more advantageous to them to see one man made happy , who was sure to befriend them , than to see three happy persons depending upon one alone , who had just reasons to wish them ill . the duke de mediea celi was of an equal and peaceable temper , which rendred him agreeable to the king. this good fortune , which seem'd particular to himself , made him be looked upon by the greater part of the courtiers as the only man that ought to pretend to this favour , in a c●urt where the greatness of rank and birth is one of the most essential qualities to recommend a chief minister . those that penetrated into the true disposition of the king , saw very well that in the midst of these different parties , the duke could not fail to get the better ; but whether it was an effect of his prudence and moderation , or whether it was occasioned by the intrigues of those persons that were on the contrary side , he advanced but slowly . it appears probable , that the greatest part of his ambition came from his friends , and that he rather followed the advices they inspired into him , than his own proper inclinations . i desire the same thing that you do , would he say to them , but in truth the tranquillity a man abandons to expose himself to all the murmurs of the people , and to all publick inquietudes , very much moderates the pleasure that is inseparable from so great a post : and unless it were for the service we hereby render to our master , i can't imagine how any man could find any satisfaction in a thing that draws so many hazards along with it . thus people busied themselves about the two different factions , that were formed by the constable , supported by the queen mother , and by the duke de medina-celi , who was seconded by all the creatures of don iuan : but while these rivals were openly disputing the prize , and all the court seemed divided between them , every one embracing a party according to his own inclinations , don ieronimo d' eguya formed a third almost alone . he saw himself all on the sudden made secretary of state , when the marquis de valenzuela , after the removal of f. nitard , became the queen mother's favourite and took away that office from don pedro fernandez del campo , who did not behave himself supple and submissive enough to him , so that we may say his haughtiness was the occasion of his fall , valenzuela having no reason to be content with him , obliged him to quit his office , and bestowed it upon d' eguya . he had too fresh an example before his eyes to fall into the same fault , and being very adroit , complaisant , and well enough versed in dissimulation , neglected nothing to please valenzuela as long as he stood upon his feet : but when he saw his fortune declining , and that the court declared in favour of don iuan , he presently copied after them , and preserved himself , during that ministry , by his exemplary submission . he was one of the first that espoused his party , and was likewise one of the first that abandon'd the prince , when he saw his credit began to sink in the world . nay some time before the end of don iuan , he managed himself as he had done before valenzuela's fall , he entred into a correspondence with the queen mother , assuring her that he would only depend upon her , so whether she was really perswaded of his sincerity , or had not as yet a fit occasion to remove him from his post , she suffered him to continue in it without the least molestation . in all these changes he only held his place by a commission , but as this furnished him with an occasion to see the king perpetually , and to discourse him in private about all affairs , so he made use of this opportunity to possess him with a distrust of all those , that might with justice make pretensions to his favour , nay even of the most considerable persons : so that being only a simple secretary of state by a commi●●ion , and in all appearance of a narrow unexperienced genius , he beheld himself in a capacity to ballance at one time two powerful parties , so that neither one nor the other could succeed in their affairs , so long as he opposed them . whatsoever inclinations the king had for the duke de medina celi , don ieronimo frustrated them , by awakening him with an idea of don iuan's ministry , the slavery he then suffered , the persecution of the queen mother , so many persons of quality ill used without any occasion , the misery of the people , and many other disorders that inevitably happen , when the government is abandoned to the caprice of one man : on the other hand he represented a junto to him , as a company of ministers that would command every body , and everlastingly embarras their own affairs by their jealousies and mutual discords ; that it would be a burthen to himself , as well as unprofitable to the state ; that junto's might do some good under a minority , but that his majesty was too far advanced in age , to want any governors ; that suppose he were pleased to compose one , yet the obligation he had to make the constable one of the number , would involve him in new difficulties ; that his temper was haughty and imperious in authority , and that he was wholly devoted to the queen mother ; that she had been accustomed to govern , and would easily come to be mistress again , by the help of a junto composed of her own creatures ; that since he was married , and had prudence and wit sufficient , he ought to manage himself , and that if ever he was prevailed upon to do otherwise , he would find himself by little and little reduc'd to those sufferings , from which he desir'd to free him . it is natural for a young king to desire to be at large , and independent ; so whilst he continued thus in suspence , eguya was master of all affairs : the confessor possessed the king with the same sentiments to chuse no chief minister , upon whom he must depend : and the dutchess de terra nova found herself equally concerned to keep off the queen mother , a junto , and a favourite . during this interregnum , she had opportunity enough to fix and settle herself in the king 's good opinion , she did not question but if the q. mother hapned to be once more mistress , she would endeavour either by herself or by her creatures to turn her out of the court ; this consideration obliged her to discourse frequently with the king , and her only care was to perswade him , that he ought to be apprehensive of the queen mothers designs . she likewise inspired him with the same distrust of the queen , whose youth and easiness of temper made her uncapable of taking strict measures : she constantly whispered some disagreeable things or other into his ear , that only tended to disquiet him ; but he preserved so great a love for his queen , that notwithstanding he believed all the stories this old beldam told him , he never had the less affection and tenderness for her . the court continued still at buen-retiro , that is to say without madrid , expecting the queen to make her entry , after which they were to go and lodge in the palace ; the preparations for her entry were very long , it was commonly believed for some time that the queen was with child , but all these hopes vanishing about the beginning of ianuary , she made her entry on the th . of the same month ; the queen mother went in the morning to buen-retiro , from whence she parted some time after along with the king , they went together to see all the streets through which the queen was to pass , and stayed at the countess dognates in a balcony made on purpose , and having a lattice-window gilt all over , the avenues that led to retiro were all shut up , and a prohibition was issued out for any coach to go that way . about eleven the queen mounted on horseback , those that were to go before began to march , and passed through a marble gate , which was but lately built : the kettle drums and the trumpets of the city , in their habits used in these ceremonies , marched at the head of all ; after them the alcaldes of the court , the nobility , the knights of the three military orders , the gentlemen of the king's house , the mayor domo's to the queen , and the grandees of spain , followed by a great number of lacquays , whose different liveries of brocard , and gallon of gold and silver of a mixt colour , made an agreeable diversity ; the querries of the queen marched on foot immediately before her : the count de villa mayana was on her right hand , who was her chief gentleman usher : she was surrounded with her menins and pages of honour ( when she walks on foot she always leans upon one of them ) the dutchess de terra nova followed her , and donna laura de alargon governante of the maids of honour , both of them mounted upon their mules , and in their widdows habit ; which somewhat resembles that of religious women , except that when they are on horseback , they wear great hats on their heads , which made no less terrible a figure than the rest of their garb . but people saw after this with a great deal of pleasure donna teresa de toledo , donna francisca henriquez , donna maria de gusman , iosepha de figueroa , and donna manuela de velasco , maids of honour to the queen , all very beautiful and richly drest ; they were on horseback , each of them was accompanied by their relations , in the midst of whom they marched : there were several led horses admirably fine , led by grooms clad in rich liveries , and the passage was shut up by the guards de la lancilla . at the prado , which is one of the most agreeeble walks in madrid , by reason of the several fountains that water it continually , was to be seen a gallery open on every side with one and twenty arches , there were several jettings out in it , on which the armes of the several kingdoms under the dominion of spain were affixed to pillars that supported some gilt statues , which carried devices in honour of the queen , with crowns and inscriptions that had a relation to the several kingdoms ; the queen found at the end of the gallery a triumphal arch , very magnificent and well design'd , through which she entred into the city . the corrigidor and the rigidors apparelled in brocard of gold , of a red crimson colour , with bonnets and breeches , such as the antient castilians wore , presented her with the keys of the city , and with a canopy which they carried over her head , during the procession : the streets were adorned with the richest tapestries , and the precious stones that were to be seen in the goldsmiths row were valued at eleven millions . it would take up too much time to describe all the magnificences of that day , i shall only content my self to say , that the queen was mounted upon a fine andaluzian horse , which in this noble march seemed proud to carry so beautiful and great a princess . her habit was so covered with embroidery that the stuff was not to be seen ; she wore on her hat white plumes mixt with red ; and a pearl called there the peregrina , which is as big as a small catherine pear , and is of an inestimable value , hung below a clasp of diamonds with which her hat was beset . she wore on her finger the great diamond of the king , which , as they pretend , surpasses in beauty any thing of that nature that was ever set in a ring . but the graceful deportment of the queen in all her actions , and particularly in the management of her horse , and the charms of her person made a greater lustre than all the pretious stones she wore , altho it is certain that people could scarce behold the glittering of them . she made an halt before the balcony of the countess dognate to salute the king , and queen mother ; they opened the lattice about broad fingers to see her , and the k. taking hishanderchief in his hand , carried it several times to his mouth , his eyes and his heart , which is the greatest piece of gallantry in spain . she went on in her procession , and the king with the queen mother received her in the court of the pallace , he helped her to light off her horse , and the other taking her by the hand conducted her to her apartment , where she embraced her often , telling her that she was over happy to have so amiable a daughter in law. that evening there were curious fireworks , and illuminations for three nights together ; the king next day went to the royal chappel , where the queen was likewise in her chair of state , the ambassadors and grandees were there according to the custom , and te deum was sung . after dinner the king and queen went out together , which was the first time of their appearing in publick : they were in a chariot made like a triumphal coach without a crown upon it , and open on all sides to shew themselves to the people , they traversed the great square before the palace , and passed through several streets , where the balconies were full of ladies , who mingled their acclamations with those of the people ; the grandees followed their majesties in very rich coaches , with a great number of livery men . there were abundance of these lords who for nine days together had nine different liveries , and each finer than the other ; after this manner they went to our ladies datocha , and it being already night before they returned to the palace , white wax tapers were lighted at all the windows , and the streets were so prettily illuminated , by them , that a man might almost see from one end of the city to the other . the finest show of these lights was at the placa mayor , which is a very large noble square , the houses are built with five rows of balconies one over another , and could reckon above three thousand tapers in all . as soon as the king and queen were arrived there , the fireworks began . many other diversions lasted for several days ; sometimes their majesties went a hunting , at other times to a comedy , or took a walk : sometimes they went to sup with the queen mother , or the queen mother came to eat with them at the palace . all the ladies had the honour to kiss the queen's hand , the councils and the grandees complemented her also . some days after her entry a bull-feast was kept at madrid , which was the most magnificent of the kind that had been seen for a long time . the king and the queen came to the great square about one a clock in the afternoon : aftewards entred the duke de medina sidonia , the marquess camaraza grandees of spain , don felix de cordova , second son of the duke de sessa , don francisco moscoso , and don fernando de lea , a gentleman of cordova , each of them followed by an hundred lacqueys , some dressed after the turkish , others after the graecian fashion ; and after this manner they represented several nations . they combated the bulls with extraordinary dexterity and courage ; the son of the duke de sessa had two horses killed under him . this sport is an old remainder of the moors , whose genius and customs are not intirely extinguished in spain , altho they themselves have been long turned out of it . the spaniards still seem to preserve something of the barbarity of these people , since they do so freely expose themselves the rage of mad bulls to divert the publick . but to say the truth , this representation is one of the finest things in the world , and nothing can afford so agreeable a prospect , as the place of the combat , which is prodigiously spacious , encompassed with five ranks of balconies all equal and regular , and curiously set out with rich hangings and furniture , as well as filled with almost an infinite number of spectators . the king on the eighteenth of ianuary named the marquess d' ossera to go vice-roy per interi● of sardinia , because the count d' egmon was not as yet in a condition to go thither : he named the same day the marquess de fuentes , son to him who had been ambassador in france , to go thither in that quality in the room of the duke de giovenazzo , who from an envoy to the court of savoy , was nominated to that of france , but it seems was at last destined to return to turin . in the mean time the marquess de villa mayna , chief gentleman usher to the queen discharged the office of master of the horse , in the place of the duke d' ossone , who for his ill conduct was prohibited to come to the palace . the marquess d' astorgas took the advantage of his absence to make his own court , and altho he had been indisposed , and continued to be so still , yet he went every day with five coaches of extraordinary fineness , and a numerous retinue of livery-men to wait upon the king. the duke d' ossone being informed of it resolved to meet him , and give him some affront , so he took abundance of people with him , and knowing which way the marquess was to pass , he ordered his coachman to drive thither full speed , and to overturn the marquess's coach , in case he was within : it happened he went that day in a chair , and his coaches followed him , but the duke ossone's coachman for all that met with him so conveniently , that he threw him along in the river : this rencounter made a great noise , and did not at all accommodate the affairs of the duke , which before this were in no good condition . madam , the constable colonna's lady , who went out of the convent , where she sojourned , to behold the queens entry , staid with the marchioness de los balbazez till the fifth of february , when she was carried away by the king's order to a convent some leagues off madrid . 't is the custom of spain , that upon all solemn occasions , whether of joy or grief , all the kingdoms and all the principalities that depend upon the king , send their deputies to complement him . thus don pedro de salinas y vnda came in the name of the principality of d' avila , accompanied with the duke de pastrane , and don ioseph de silva his brother , to kiss the king's hand , and complement him upon the score of his marriage . the kingdoms of naples , navar , arragon , granada , and divers other places sent likewise . after the king had given them audience , he took the queen along with him to a great hunting of the wild boar , where they killed abundance of them . the duke de pastrane , who exercised the office of chief ranger in the absence of the marquess de liche , conducted the queen to a place in the forrest , that was extreamly pleasant . several streams of water ran by the place , and under some of the highest trees a pavilion of gold brocard adorned with a fringe of the same , was set up . all the trees were covered with little apes , squirrels and parrots , and a thousand other birds that were fastned to them ; young boys that were drest like fauns and silvanes , and girls apparelled like nymphs and driades , and shepherdesses served up a noblecollation to her majesty , who seemed to be at first extreamly pleased with the entertainment . but altho no body knew what it was that disquieted her afterwards , she appear to be very sad all the remainder of the day . on candlemas day there was a procession in the galleries of the palace ; the religious of the mendicant orders , and all the ecclesiasticks belonging to the chappel walked before the pages of the king , and those of the queen followed after . the grandees of spain marched before their majesties , the dutchess de terra nova held up the queens train , the maids of honour came next , and there did not seem to be above eighteen or twenty of them : 't is not here as in other holidays where they all wait upon their soveraign . tho the young queen changed her place of abode , yet she did not change that solitary and disagreeable life she led at buen retiro , under the guard of the dutchess de terra nova . she governed her like a child , and continued still to treat her after a worse manner , unless it were that she was permitted to receive the visits of some ladies , which oftentimes appeared more tedious to her than even solitude it self ; not that they wanted wit , for no body can reproach them with want of that : but the queen understood but a little of what they said , and besides could not repose that confidence in them , which gives liberty , and life , and spirit to conversation ; all was grandeur , and ceremony , and reverence , and state. much about this time i had the honour to kiss her hand , but she could not forbear smiling , to see me so much altered for the worse by my spanish garb , for unless her self alone , i never saw a stranger look well in that habit. after i had passed through her apartments , which to say the truth , were exceeding pretty , i found her in her closet , which was painted and gilded , and set out with great looking glasses fastned to the ceiling ; she sate upon a little square stool near the window , making gold net work , mingled with blew silk ; her hair was parted in the middle of her head , which was bare , only one knot of her hair was curled and plaited with great pearls , and reached down to her waste ; she had a velvet robe on , of a rose colour , embroidered with silver , and had pendants in her ears that touched her very breast , and so heavy that she gave her self the trouble to take out one of them that i might pass my judgment on it , and i was exceedingly surprized at it . she spoke very little french to me , affecting to talk spanish before the camarera major . she ordered me to send her all the letters i received from france which had any news in them , to which i replied , that the news which was sent to me did not deserve the consideration of so great a queen . ah good god , cryed she , lifting up her eyes with a charming air , i shall never think meanly of any thing that comes out of a country , which is so dear to me . this affection , said i to her , which your majesty preserves for your own native country , makes me hope every thing , madam , since as i have the happiness to be one , so i have all the inclinations of a good french woman . she answered this with her usual goodness , and whispered me in french , that she would rather see me apparalled after the french fashion than that of spain : but , madam , said i to her , 't is a sacrifice which i have made to the respect i have for your majesty . say rather , continued she with a smiling air , that the rigid temper of the dutchess has frightned you . she appeared to me so very charming that day , that i could not forbear to admire her , for in spight of her melancholy she was plump and and in good liking , and that contributed to make her still more beautiful and agreeable . when i came back to my lodgings , i found my letters from france were arrived ; there was one amongst the rest , which i supposed would please the queen , so i made all the haste i could the next morning to carry it to her , but the camarera would not suffer me to have the honour of seeing the queen two days together , therefore i was contented to write to the dutchess , desiring her to present that letter to the queen . behold the contents of it . i am of opinion , madam , that i cannot send you better news to day , than that of the marriage of mademoiselle de blois with monsieur the prince de conty . the contract of the marriage was signed on the fifteenth of this month in the king's chamber , who went about seven a clock at night to the queens apartment , and afterwards returned to his own with all the royal family : the prince de conty led mademoiselle de blois ; she was set out with the finest iewels in the world , all which together did not glitter so brightly as her eyes , and whose lustre was inferiour to the lillies and roses of her complexion . all the court was in a transport as soon as she appeared , and the majesty of her stature was not a little increased by a train five ells long , which mademoiselle de nante carried . the king drew near to a table that stood against the wall ; the queen was on his left hand , and next after monseigneur , monsieur , madam , mademoiselle d' orleans , madam the dutchess of tuscany , madam de guise , monsieur the prince , and monsieur the duke , and madam the dutchess , the prince de la roche sur yon , mademoiselle de bourbon , the princess de carignan , the count de vermandois , the count du maine , mademoiselle de nante , and mademoiselle de tours , all placed in a demi-circle about the table . the prince de conty , and mademoiselle de blois came one after the other within the demicircle over against the table . the marquess de seignelay drew near to the king , and read the beginning of the contract with a loud voice , but he had scarce read the qualifications , when the king told him 't was enough , and so signed the contract . after all the royal family had signed it the cardinal de bouillon entred , and advanced forward to the middle of the chamber ; then the prince de conty and mademoiselle de blois approached up to him , and performed the ceremony of the betrothing . the princess's name , as you know , is anna maria , and the prince's louis armand : this ceremony being over , the king and all the court went to see an opera . next day the cardinal de bouillon married this young prince and beautiful princess in the chappel of the old castle in the presence of the king , the queen , and all the court : the king dined with all the royal family : at night a comedy was acted , and after that there was a great supper , where , without reckoning the princes and princesses of the blood , there were fifty ladies that sate at one table ▪ which was served with three services of two hundred dishes each . the cardinal bouillon blessed the bed , the king gave the shift to the prince of conty , and the queen to the princess . next morning their majesties went to see her at her apartment in the new castle . the king has given her the dutchy de vaujour , a million of mony in hand , a pension of a hundred thousand livers , and abundance of iewels ; to the prince de conty fifty thousand crowns in hand , and a pension of twenty thousand to the prince de la roche sur-yon . from st. germains the th of ian. . the queen mother had given all imaginable assistance to the queen of spain , to deliver her from part of her troubles , if she could have cured her self of those suspicions with which some people had possest her against her ; but she unhappily imagining , that the other still regretted the arch-dutchess , and would have been glad to see her in her place , that opinion made her extreamly distrustful : and the queen mother who found nothing of that openness of heart and freedom as she desired , was likewise troubled for her part : for in effect , she loved her tenderly , and was ready to give her all possible testimonies of her affection . the ambassador of france , his lady , and the confessor often reminded the queen of that conduct she was to observe , if she intended to be happy . they told her , that she ought to give her self intirely up to the queen her mother in law out of a principle of duty , and gratitude for the friendship she showed her , as out of a consideration of her own proper interests : they represented to her , that the queen mother ought not to be suspected by her , and that altho the arch dutchess was her grand daughter , yet she had received such few tokens and assurances of friendship from the emperour during her disgrace , that she was too sensible ever to forget it : that the conduct of france towards her was directly opposite to this , that there she had been pitied and obliged , that her most christian majesty had ever preserved a strict correspondence and friendship with her , and that the queen mother knew well enough that she could not by any returns oblige the queen of france more , than by showing back all that kindness to the young queen of spain ; that she had all the agreements in her , which could engage her heart ; that besides this she hoped to see her give an heir to the crown ; that this was necessary for the good of spain ; that the melancholy humour , to which she abandoned her self , might hinder her from having one ; that they ought to concert all their affairs together , in order to possess the good graces and inclinations of the king ; that it was natural to believe , he would divide his power between his mother and his queen , rather than bestow it upon a favourite , who would think of serving him no longer , than his family reaped advantage by it ; whereas the souls of soveraigns , having something in them that was more noble and great , than those of private persons , the motives of interest would never be supposed to influence two queens , so much as they would a chief minister ; that in fine there ought to be no separation between them , but that they must begin with the union of their hearts . the queen relished these reasons , and found them plausible enough , but for all that she relapsed all on a sudden into her old distrust , into which the different things that had been said to her , did cast her anew : besides the extream trouble she suffered from the rigid conduct of the dutchess de terra nova ; she found her so absolute and inflexible that she began to fear her , to which the tenderness of her youth , her want of experience , and her natural sweetness contributed not a little , so that she could not open her self to the queen mother , when she considered , that if she did not really love her , but would make invidious reflexions upon what she said , this would be the way to throw her into new inconveniencies ; so that notwithstanding the desire she had to speak to her , she was always silent in her company . the queen mother perceived it well enough , yet for all that she continued to visit her almost every day , and sent her presents from time to time . at last the young queen being entirely vanquished by all these demonstrations of amity , resolved to submit her self wholly to her directions . they had a long conference together , where they took those measures which they judged were necessary to promote their common satisfaction . after this the queen mother spoke to the king , but found him in a cold reserved humour , so she made him no discoveries of any thing , but took her opportunity to withdraw , imagining with her self that her son would be obliged to come after her ; and that the world might take less notice of this alteration , she gave out that she only desired to live easie , and that she preferred her own repose to all other considerations whatsoever : she talked after this rate before several persons , in whom she reposed no ordinary confidence , altho at the bottom she was clearly of a different opinion . the constable was the first man that was aware of this alteration , and was one of those who were mightily troubled at it . he easily saw that the queen mother was leaving all thoughts of advancing him , and as he had his own particular views , so he used all the means in the world to effect his designs . in fine , he joyned interests with the camarera major , don ieronimo d' eguya , and the king's confessor , who brought the duke of alva into the same confederacy : the design of these three last was to set up the constable against the duke de medina celi , whose favour with the king increased , as they thought , very fast , and this gave them violent jealousies of him . the constable for his part endeavoured to gain by them what they designed to make the duke de medina celi lose ; his emissaries began to promote the affair with very favourable appearances , but after they had seriously reflected upon the imperious humour of the constable . he is so arrogant and haughty , said they , that he would rather ruin every man of us , than ever be brought to own that he was obliged to us for his elevation , and whatever minister has his place , will certainly be less dangerous than he . don ieronimo d' eguya , who thought of nothing else but how to ballance the credit of these two lords one with the other , did not neglect their reflections . he mentioned them almost every day , and endeavoured to make them more strong if it were possible , he found it would be a great deal more advantagious to him to continue in the same condition , than to see himself subjected to a new dependance , and this reason obliged him to inspire the king with an aversion and jealousie for the constable ; so that instead of doing him any service as he promised , he did him underhand all the ill offices imaginable . when our own particular interest lies at stake , and we are pursuing the dictates of our ambition , we are so clear-sighted , that it is a difficult matter for any one to deceive us long . we penetrate even into the most secret thoughts of him that calls himself our friend , and easily find out whether he doth us good or ill . pursuant to this maxim , the constable soon perceived how well he was served by his friends , and what designs each of them drove in particular . it is no difficult matter to imagine how a person of his temper , as i have already described , resented this usage , and his uneasiness to be sure was so much the more violent because he smother'd it for some time before he let it break out . don ieronimo de eguya was the first person whom he attacqued . having represented to them one day in a full council , and that with the greatest fierceness in the world , how all affairs went from bad to worse , he added , that no body ought to be surprized to find it so , since d' eguya who pretended , to manage every thing , had neither judgment , nor experience , nor capacity , and that he ought to be confined to the duties of his post , without medling with those things that had no relation at all to it . when he had ended his discourse , don manuel de lira secretary of state of the council of italy , who was of the constables faction , presented to them at the same time a large memorial , in which he laid open the vast prejudice which the state of affairs received from the ill conduct of de eguya , and most of them there had been well enough satisfied , if these complaints had obliged the king to remove him . don manuel de lira did not act only out of complaisance to the constable but had his own private ends . he imagined that if d' eguya were once turned out of his post , he might perhaps succeed him in it . now nothing animates a man's zeal in any affair , more than the prospect of some advantage or other to be gained by it . however this same business did not meet with that success which he and the constable proposed to themselves , so after long consideration the constable was obliged to come back to the queen mother , and importune her to appear in favour of him . he represented to her , that if the chief minister was not one of her party , her repose would not be of long continuance ; that the duke de medina celi stood very fair for it , and altho he advanced insensibly , yet it was probable he would soon find himself possessed of a place where he would make his enemies severely feel the weight of his indignation ; that in spight of politicks , to which he pretended , he would not fail to set up the president of castile against her , who was a creature of don iuan , and always ready to execute those resentments that had lodged in his breast so long ; that this duke was the very person who formerly had the hardiness to carry her the order for her exile ; that he seem'd at that time to rejoyce at her misfortunes and perplexities ; that if ever he came to be favourite , she would find him to be a constant rub in her way , and that this conjecture perhaps was not ill grounded , since the duke still possessed all the passions of don iuan. the queen mother was alarmed at what the constable represented to her , and gave him her word to act vigorously in his behalf ; but the duke de medina celi being advertised of it , was resolved to prevent the blow , and judged it the best expedient to soften the spirit of the queen mother , by making a profound submission to her . in fine he went to her , and told her , that he was resolved to be oblig'd to her for all the king's favours , and desired to depend upon her out of an obligation of gratitude , as he had done a long time ago out of duty and inclination ; that he humbly begged of her to do him the justice as to believe , that his heart , his birth , and his fortune , were too great ever to suffer him to be one of don iuan's creatures ; that he would never receive that title but from his own master , and that the party must wear a crown who commanded the duke de medina celi ; that altho he had declared himself for the president of castile , yet it was not out of a consideration of don iuan , but the king's service , and he was ready to abandon his interest at any time , having no particular engagements of friendship to him ; and that if he appeared in this affair , it was only done with a design to defend the authority of the king , which the nuncio had a mind to invade in the conduct which he used towards the president . the queen mother answered him , that she did not without a great satisfaction , believe what he said to be true , that she had a great esteem for him , and would not fail to give him convincing proofs of it in a short time . the constable being informed on his side , that queen mother had very favourably received the submission of the duke , whether out of a spirit of kindness , or indifference to the choice the king might make of a chief minister , dispaired at last of seeing himself succeed in any of his projects , either of the junto whereof he pretended to be a member if one were erected , or in the place of favourite which he could have desired rather to fill alone . he resolved to merit something at least of the duke de medina celi , by yielding up that post with a good grace , when he was in a capacity to dispute it with him still . in short , he laid hold of the first opportunity he could find , to tell the king that no person was fitter to serve his majesty , and preserve the government in good order , than the duke de medina celi . he bestowed wonderful commendations upon him for the good conduct he had ever used ; the free unconstrained manner wherein he spoke all this , was exceeding remarkable , especially in a man of the constables haughty temper , who , as the world imagined , would dye a thousand times , rather than offer this violence inwardly to himself : but people at last believed that he design'd to render himself agreeable to the king , by commending a man , for whom his majesty testified so great an inclination . after all , it must be confessed that he showed a generosity , which is not common , in treating his declared enemy after this manner . it cannot be easily imagin'd , what a great detriment the republick received by these factions of the courtiers , and the king's irresolution to take or not take a chief minister . nothing was concluded , nothing was done ; a spirit of lethargy seemed to be predominant at court , which helped to increase those perplexities , under which the kingdom laboured before . every body languished to see what would be the success of the smallest matters ; and business that had been carried into the council , tarried there whole years , nay things that went directly into the king's hands were dispatched never the sooner . thus no one knew what party to take , or where to address himself . our ambassador who promised himself to find a better treatment than he had met with a long while , and which he dexterously dissembled in expectation of the queen's arrival , perceived at last that they designed to satisfie him no better , than the other ministers . who made their complaints . about five months were passed since he demanded justice for some violations of the peace that were lately committed as well by the governors of the provinces , as by the taking of several vessels , and the burning of others . but at the time when he was urgent to have a positive answer , he received a new injury by the insolence of an (a) alcalde , and several (b) alguazils who passed before his house , which was never done at madrid , in the quarter belonging to an ambassador . he was extremely surprized at it , but was so far from receiving the satisfaction that was due to him for this affront , that they told him his majesty had given order that his quarter should be no longer exempt . this resolution so much the more disgusted him , because it affected only himself , and all the other ambassadors enjoyed their priviledges as formerly . not but that they had several other complaints upon their hands , as for example , the envoy from the elector of brandenburgh made a great noise because they had amused him a long time with specious promises that had no effect at all ; they ow'd his master a great sum of money , he demanded the payment of it , but they shifted him off from time to time , so that at last he perceived that they neither had the power nor inclination to satisfie him . the nuncio did not seem to be less disgusted for his part , because he saw the president of castile keep his place and continue still in favour , altho the pope had declared him suspended , and he himself omitted no application to have justice done upon him . in the mean time they wanted mony to raise four spanish regiments that were designed to be sent to milain , because they apprehended some motion from the court of france , but it was almost impossible to find any funds , and besides this the silver that came from the indies in the flota was so suddenly gone and with so little order , that no body knew what was become of it , so that it was a difficult matter to send any returns into flanders , or other places , where there was occasion . those that used to advance mony upon these sorts of occasions , would now do nothing at all , they were all of them drained , and the necessities were generally so great , that they knew not where to take up mony to defray the ordinary expences of the king and queens house . this proceeded in part from the disorder of the mony ; a pistole which ought to go for no more than fourty eight reals de vellon , was raised up to a hundred and ten ; and the patacoons that are only worth twelve reals went at the rate of thirty . the occasion of it was this , a great part of the reals de vellon , that are of copper , were bad , and the common custom made them pass as well in commerce , as if they had been good . but at last they were called in all on the sudden , by reason of the excessive price a pistole was raised to , and 't is impossible to recount the disorders and inconveniencies that attended this new regulation . the court was of opinion in the month of february . that there was a necessity to find out some remedy or other suddenly for it ; so a pistole from a hundred and ten reals was levelled to fourty eight , the patacoons to twelve , and the other mony was so confounded one with the other , that it was reduced to the eighth part of the ordinary value . there was no body almost but lost more or less upon the account of this new regulation , and accordingly felt it ; that which before the sinking the value of the mony was worth fourty reals , which make four livers of french mony , since the reducing of it , was worth a hundred and ten reals , which is ten livers of our mony ; so that what commodities a man could buy on munday for fifty sons , went on the tuesday for above a third part more ; and the debtor , who , it may be , on saturday owed twenty thousand reals de vellon , which made but two hundred pistoles , found to his sorrow the next day after that he owed near five hundred pistoles . this ruined a great number of families , and caused a mighty dejection in the spirits of the people ; for every thing a man has occasion to buy , is dearer by much in madrid than any where else , because they are brought a great way off , and there are few or no manufactures at all in that part of the country . a kind of a mutiny happened at toledo , because after this sinking the value of mony , no care was taken to regulate the price of provisions , for which they paid excessive rates . it is still to be noted , that the civil government in spain is managed but after a very sorry manner , and that the slow lazy humour of those persons , who might , if they pleased , correct the ill conduct of others , contributes exceedingly to the publick loss . all these disorders and continual complaints , which made a noise from all quarters , began at last to shake and undermine don ieronimo d' eguya . he knew very well , that the post wherein he stood , was ticklish and dangerous , and that after all his endeavours to disgust the world , in case he remedied nothing , the oblige maledictions and hatred would fall upon the favourite . the present ill state of affairs was attributed to his ill conduct , so he thought within himself , that he could not too soon deliver himself from the torrent of the popular fury , and therefore resolved to omit nothing , whereby he might incline the king to choose a chief minister . the consideration of his own interest soon determined him to act vigorously in favour of the duke de medina celi , he knew the king had a particular affection for him , and besides he perswaded himself , that when the duke was informed what good offices he had done him , he would maintain him still in his post , as well out of a principle of acknowledgment , as for the great services he might do him in these affairs , since he had managed them for so long a time , and consequently was in a capaci●y to furnish him with some necessary lights , which all those persons that newly enter into the government are altoge●her unacquainted with . and then he knew the natural sweetness of the duke's temper would never permit him to turn him out of his place , and he was certain that as long as he continued in it , he could manage the king's favour , the functions of his place giving him opportunity to approach near the king's person very often . the camarera major , and his majesty's confessor had each of them particular designs in their head , however they were both agreed as to the duke's advancement , so that all the world concurring with the favourable dispositions which the king had for him , he signed a decree ( that is the usual term with them in spain ) wherein he declared the duke de medina celi to be chief minister . he immediately commanded father relux to carry it to him , who came to his house about ten a clock at night on the twenty first of february . and acquainted him with the good news . no body had any reason to be surprized at the duke's elevation . it seems he had promised himself the place some time before , whether it were because the king gave him his promise , or that some outward appearances assured him of it . however it was , it was agreed upon by all hands at court that the king could not have made a better choice . he was a person in whom all good qualities were to be found ; his agreeable conversation , his obliging character , his noble and generous . deportment , his free easie temper , made him beloved by all the● world : people only wundered , that being so great a lord as he was , he would sacrifice his repose to the administration of affairs , that were then in a miserable condition . they could scarce imagine ( and perhaps he was of the same opinion himself ) how he could ever be able to remedy evils of so inveterate a malignity . before he could effect this , he must in all appearance make an intire change in the ordering of the monarchy , but this was an impracticable design , and impossible to be executed . as soon as the choice his majesty had made in favour of the duke , came to be publickly known ; all persons that were of any quality went to complement him , as well the ministers of foreign princes , as the grandees of spain . the next day being accompanied by all his friends and relations , he repaired to court to kiss his majesty's hand , and thank him most humbly for all his great favours . on the following days he received visits in his bed , pretending a slight indisposition to exempt himself from the fatigue of ceremonies , his apartment and furniture were extreamly magnificent , but it is an odd sight to see a spaniard in his bed of state , because they wear no morning gowns here , but only their golilia and black cloaks , and have their hats on , or else are bare-headed , for the men as well as the women wear no caps ; he had enjoyed the place of sumiller de corps , i. e. lord chamberlain for a long time , and in this quality he was the only person that commanded in the king's chamber , and lay there . he did not delay to give publick audience in the hall , which they call the rubis , and is the place where the council of state uses to assemble . 't is under the king's apartment . here it was that the duke received the visit of the nuncio and the venetian ambassador , they did not seem to be pleased at the manner wherein the chairs were disposed , because it could not absolutely be determined whether either of them or he had the chief place of honour . besides this , he only reconducted them to the middle of the hall of audience . they acquainted the marquess de villars with it , who told them that he had designed to make that visit along with them , because the ambassadors of the chappel generally acquit themselves of these sorts of devoirs together , but that he was not displeased with himself for not being there , since he was resolved to take direction by the fault they had committed ; and that he would not neglect , as they did , to use all necessary precautions about the step , place and rank , and would be assured both of the one and the other before he performed that ceremony . in short , he sent to the duke to know whether he would not receive him , as don louis de haro used to receive the ambassadors of france ; he immediately agreed to it , and that there might be no mistakes committed , the places were marked out , and every thing was adjusted before the day of audience . the other ambassadors were concerned at the oversight they had committed , and by this visit of our ambassador , regulated those they continued to make to the chief minister . the count de monterey kissed the kings hand and the queens , he complemented them from the part of the city of st. iago de compostella , the marquess d' astorgas did the same from the city of avila . about this time don francisco d' agourto was nominated by the king to be master of the camp general of the cavalry . the envoy extraordinary from england surprized all the court by the strict prohibition he gave his domesticks not to suffer any ecclesiasticks or religious to come within his doors . the young queen was so taken up with the diversions of the carnaval , that she had scarce opportunity to perceive that this was a set time of mirth and jollity : her best days were spent in hunting with the king , and the three last days of the carnaval there was a comedy represented upon the theatre at buen-retiro , which is a well-contrived building . the king and the queen saw it on the sunday , the next day it was acted before the several councils , and on tuesday before the officers of the city . the queen being informed that the dutchess de bejar , and the marchioness de castel rodrigo , who had never bore any children before , were each of them delivered of a son , begged leave of the king to send them word that she wished them joy , i agree to it , says the king smiling , on condition that within nine months they will come in their turn to perform the same complement to you . all spain impatiently expected to see what remedies the new ministers would apply to those disorders , that seemed for a long time to be radicated in the monarchy ; but whatever good intentions he had to rectifie them , he found it a difficult matter to put them in execution . the king's treasury was exhausted , several private families ruined , the price of all commodities excessive high ; and these perplexities were heightned by the connivance of the magistrates , and the length of time . during the ministry of don iuan nothing had been set in order , and since his death one would have thought they had affected to abandon all manner of business . to this we may add , that the duke de medina celi had never been in any employ , where he might learn that experience which is so necessary for government . he was born and bred in the genius of madrid , which is so supine and careless , that nothing almost is determined there . nay what is more , he suffered the master of the council to deliberate about the publick affairs , after the same manner , as he did , before his ministry , and submitted to take his counsel ; he likewise erected iunta's to debate of those things , which he supposed to carry any great difficulty with them . he erected one amongst the rest , to which he nominated the constable , the admiral , and the marquess d' astorgas , all which three were councellors of state ; he also admitted three divines , whereof the king's confessor was one , and three councellors of the king's council to examine along with him the affair of the president of castile , about which the nuncio made so great a noise . the occasion of this dispute was this , monsieur mellini , the nuncio , had a mind to preside over a chapter of religious , whom they call clericos minores , who were going to choose a provincial . the president desired that one of his friends might be named ; now he knew that the nuncio had a kindness for another , so he went the shortest way to work , and obtained a decree of the king , which forbad him to preside in that assembly , and because he did not exactly obey it , he was fined a thousand crowns . the nuncio suffered this strange treatment with indignation enough , and complained of it to the pope . his holiness writ to the king about it , and don iuan promised him to get the fine revoked ; but the many disorders that happened after his death , hindred the execution of it . the king thought the business was laid asleep , because he writ a very submissive letter to the pope about it , but for all that , the nuncio , who was not to be appeased by a letter , renewed the quarrel after the prince's death . he saw that the king had not as yet pitched upon a chief minister , and judged that the president of castile was not well supported ; he knew he had abundance of enemies , and that amongst the rest the queen mother was the most inveterate against him . all these considerations served to perswade him , that he should obtain an intire satisfaction without any trouble : he pretended therefore that he ought to lose his place , and to go to rome to have the suspension taken off , which he had incurred in the year . the court absolutely refused to grant him what he demanded ; upon this he complained very highly to the king , telling him that he ill performed what he had promised the pope in his letter . the duke de medina celi being advanced to the ministry , was willing to examine the reasons of the nuncio , and those of the president by a iunta . 't was alledged in favour of the last , that being a native of spain , the king could not abandon him to the pope's resentments if at the bottom he did not deserve it ; that it was true indeed he had done irregular things upon several occasions , but then his place was of that nature , that he could not forfeit it unless it were for reasons of the greatest importance : the chief minister declared , that he should keep his place of being president of the council of the indies , and that don vicente gonzaga should perform all his functions . he received with extraordinary satisfaction the offer which the admiral of castile made , to resign the office of master of the horse to him , which is generally possest by the favourite , but would not accept of it . he gave order to don gabriel quinones , secretary of the council of war , to bring in his accounts , out of hopes of drawing some mony from thence ; and indeed the state was never in such extremity of want as now ; for since the publishing of the king's declaration for sinking the value of mony , all commerce was intirely stopt , the shops continued shut up , and the people groaned under the greatest necessities imaginable . the duke used all his power to remedy these pressing grievances , he designed to coin new mony , and to lessen the price of all commodities , but the effect of his good intentions was long delayed , and the publick misery increased more and more every day . hereupon a man of great business , whose name was marcos dias presented a memorial to the duke , wherein he proposed a method to raise the king's revenue , and yet ease the people ; he offered to prove that the magistrates of the city of madrid , under pretence of reimbursing themselves of the mony they had lent the late king , had raised considerable summs , and had never given any account of them . he proposed a way to force them to refund the overplus , as well to supply the present want , as to prevent the like exactions for the time to come . the duke hearkned to him , and told him his advice was good . immediately after this marcos dias presented another memorial to him , wherein he shewed , that his majesty's dues were considerably diminished , that he offered to pay the full worth of them , and yet to make an advance of two hundred thousand crowns , a present of a hundred thousand crowns to the king ▪ and lessen the imposition of the dues one half of what it amounted to the year . when they were less by one third part , than they were this present year . for this he demanded that the rents of the guild-hall of the city of madrid , the payments whereof were assigned for these funds , should be reduced to five in the hundred , whereas they were risen to eight ; and what is more , he still offered to reimburse those persons who were not willing to suffer this diminution . it is natural to believe , that he knew his own accounts well enough , not to lose any thing by his project , and to say the truth he had been no loser : for the disorders and rapines were at that time so great , that not a ninth part of the king's rights came into his coffers . the duke foreseeing the event of this affair , advised marcos dias not to stir out of the palace , but he had a mind to go to alcala , and he returned with vomiting of blood and convulsions , which occasioned the belief that he was poisoned : for this overture of accommodating the publick affaris , disgusted some particular persons of great estates , who got prodigious summs at the expence of the king and people . these persons , to avert this blow , had written to dias , and threatned to have him infallibly stabbed if he continued his proposals . he was very apprehensive of the danger he incurred , and besides this , these very magistrates offered the same terms to his majesty : but the duke saw there was all the reason in the world to prefer dias , and so he refused the others . upon a consideration of what these differences might produce , the duke advised him to have a care of himself , till the treaty was concluded . the advice was good , if he had had the good fortune to have followed it , but as he came back from alcala to madrid , he met some men in masques , who gave him several blows with little bags full of sand , so that he spit abundance of blood at his mouth , and being seized with a violent feavor died on the first day of april . the corrigidor , and some other officers of the city were the men that were principally exasperated against him , because he had discovered their villanies a little before : nevertheless they were willing to submit to some beneficial alterations in matters , and so they reduced the rents of the guild-hall of the city , from eight to five in the hundred . there was also some small regulation made in the civil government , but the duke could not forbear to be sensibly touched for losing , by the death of dias , an opportunity to serve the king and ease the people . in the mean time the people who had fully flattered themselves that if the proposals made by dias had taken effect , they should have met with plenty instead of want ; bei●g informed of his indisposition , flocked about his house , and cryed out aloud , that he was poisoned , and that this business ought to be examined to the bottom , because he suffered for the good will he had expressed towards them . they added menaces against those persons who had opposed such profitable advice , and as the king accidentally passed by them in his coach , a great body of them ▪ got about the coach , and followed it crying , vive el roi y muera el mal goviorno , that is to say , let the king live , and the ill government dye . there were great endeavours used to moderate the first motions of the popular fury , which exceedingly increased on the day that dias died . above six thousand were got together , who ran up and down the streets complaining and weeping bitterly , every one of them said , that they had murdered the only man that wished them well . they accompanied his body to the place of burial , and the streets were so full of people , that the king durst not stir out of his palace , altho he was to go to a great festival that was celebrated by the jesuits , and he had a great desire to be there . there was little probability that they would ever be appeased , but as good fortune would have it , the multitude was only made up of poor irresolute people , whose spirits were broken by the miseries of which they complained . all this tempest past over in vain menaces , and some injuries against some considerable persons , but however it did not alter the state of affairs . at this same time word was sent to the nuncio , by an express order from court , that he should enjoy no other priviledges than what the ambassador of spain did at rome . this was a new occasion of discontent to him ; but the action was general , and they took care to inform the other forreign ministers , that for the future the would allow them only the same priviledges as their princes allowed to the ambassadors of his catholick majesty ; so that he had no reason to complain since he was treated but like the rest . this resolution was taken upon this account . six alguazils de corte passing before the h●use of the venetian ambassador , it seems three of his footmen knew them , and dem●nded of them how they durst have the impudence to go through their quarter . the alguazels returned them a sawcy answer , whereupon the servants drew their swords , but the alguazels fired immediately upon them , and killed them upon the place . the ambassador made great complaints about it , they promised to give him full satisfaction , but to av●id the doing of it , they thought it more expedient to revoke all the franchises . the king received a letter from the vice-roy of naples , and was extreamly glad to hear that he had found out a way to borrow three hundred thousand crowns of the merchants of genoa for the raising four thousand men that were to be sent into the milanese : but they were perswaded at court that it would be a long time before they could be in a condition to get there , because they demanded a further supply of mony from madrid , and here they wanted it , without exception , for every thing . however this did not hinder them from using all imaginable efforts to contribute towards the raising of these four thousand men , because they were exceedingly alarmed at the treaty of casal , which they pretended our king had bought of the duke of mantua . they apprehended , this was an open pass to render himself master of italy when he pleased , and they were fully perswaded that he had sent an army thither upon this score . the genoese first whispered and spread about these jealousies , which at last reached the venetians , so that they drew their soldiers out of their garrisons in dalmatia , and bestowed them in their own towns in lumbardy , where they made some new fortifications . the emperor for his part was as much alarmed as the rest of his neighbours , for he sent his troops to the milanese to guard them , and several princes of italy put themselves to a great deal of trouble , out of an apprehension of a rupture . but if there was any reason to fear one , it was from the side of bisca , where the people of that province , who are under the dominion of spain , have almost every day some disputes with those that live under the dominion of france , sometimes about the fishing , at other times about other differences , each of them appropriating the river de bid●ssoa to themselves , so that they seldom live in peace . matters came to that upshot at l●st , that they burnt several barques , and took several of the french prisoners . our ambassador was ordered to demand justice for these injuries , and frequently spoke to the ministers about it , who continued deaf in these cases because they had no mind to redress them . they persisted to be so stiff and obstinate upon this occasion , that the ambassador declared at last to don vincente gonzaga , that his master would order his troops to march towards the frontiers , by which mea●s it would be more easie to get satisfaction for the insolence of the biscayneers , than by sending to the council at madrid , that his majesty was concerned for the tranquility of his subjects , and that he ●ould take a due course to procure it . gonz●ga heard monsie●● de villars very patiently , ●nd t●l● him at la●● that he was surprized to find him add●ess himself to him because he was no longer commissary , and that the marquess de los ba●bazez , had been nominated to his place above a month before . the a●bassador acquainted him , that generally these sorts of changes are not made without in●o●ming those persons who are interested in them ▪ and that as for himself he had never heard the least mention of it . don vincente replied , that don pedro colonna had been ordered to inform him of it , but that in truth he was a negligent person , and had showed h●mself so not only on this occasion . upon this he made some particular reflections that were not very obliging to the new secretary of state. don pedro fernandez del campo , marquess de majorada , who had been formerly secretary of state , and to whom the marquess de valenzuela , when he became sole favourite had an aversion , because he would not blindly obey him , died of grief for the loss of his place , and to see it still possessed by don ieronimo d' eguya . the number of the maids of honour belonging to the queen , was about this time augmented . the king added to them the daughter of the princess pio , those of the countess de villambrosa , the marquess do pouar ; the duke d' hijar , donna eleonora of the house de zapara , the niece of the dutchess de terra nova , and mademoiselle de lalain , who was a flemish woman . but altho this was a testimony of the particular consideration which the king had for his young queen , because ordinarily the queens of spain have not so many , yet he could not ●orbear to be sensibly tormented at the stories which the camarera continually buzzed into his ear . don melchior navarra , who had formerly been vice-chancellor of arragon , and whom don iuan banished to cienpuzu●los , was called home at the intreaties of the queen mother . nay it was even believed that the king would give him the place of president of castile , in case the president , who was then embroyled with the nuncio , were turned out of his place . the king and queen had the pleasure of hearing mass celebrated at the jesuits college in the chaldean language , by a priest of the city of muzal , which was heretofore called ninive . after it was over , the queen , who was always desirous of informing herself in matters of curiosity , sent for him to come to her , and by the means of an interpreter , she asked him several questions , and amongst the rest , whether the women were as severely lock'd up at muzal , as they were at madrid . this question , altho there was nothing criminal in it , was so maliciously explained by the dutchess de terra nova , that the king was observed to look upon her with a great deal of coldness for some days after . this did not hinder the queen mother from going to visit her , who assured her with all the tenderness imaginable how sensibly she was concerned at these ill offices that were done her . they went together to st. marie la royalle , where was celebrated the beatification of torribio alphonso mogrobejo , second archbishop of lima : the musick of the chappel was there ; their majesties were informed at their return that the great arch deacon of madrid was dead . the queen mother seemed to be desirous of seeing this dignity filled by one of her own creatures , and the young queen proposed to send to cardinal portocarero to demand it of him : but now it was too late , for the cardinal to prevent all sollicitations upon this point , made haste to gratify his nephew don pedro portocarero with it . in the mean time , whilst these small things happened , news was brought that a squadron of french men of war , commanded by the marquess de valbelle , was arrived before the isle of majorca , to demand of the viceroy some merchantmen that had been taken by the corsairs , since the peace , and monsieur valbelle had in his hands an order of the king of spain for their restitution . the viceroy would not restore these prizes , alledging that the persons who had taken them had already shared and divided them , and that they were not all of them majorcans ; that theeffects were all consumed and gone , and for his part he demanded damages for certain hostilities which these corsairs had suffered . valbelle continued his instances , but seeing they had no effect ; he declared that he would not forget to make use of the right of reprisals ; that the subjects of the king of spain , whenever he met them on the sea , should find it to their cost ; that the king his master had reason to complain of the usage he found at their hands ; that several governors and viceroys dependant upon the king of spain had taken liberty to commit all injustices against the french ; that it was almost to no purpose to demand satisfaction from those at madrid , where the councils were filled with persons who had played the same tricks , when they were in the like posts , and consequently durst not condemn and punish others for the very same crimes they had committed themselves ; that he was assured this was the reason that occasioned this impunity and all their frivolous pretences : in a word , that he was going to take another course with them , and do himself justice . these menaces , one would have thought , were sufficient to alarm those persons that were concerned in them ; but they have this maxim in spain , that provided the danger is a little remote , they never fear it , whether this happens through insolence or temerity , and they rather chuse to suffer the disorders , that always fall out in military executions , than give themselves the trouble to do justice upon the complaints that are made . but before i finish the first part of my memoirs ; i think it will not be altogether amiss to say something of the councils of spain , according to the best information i have received concerning them . the council of state. the number of these counsellors is not ●ixed , they don't observe the right of seniority amongst themselves , but take their places as they happen to come into the chamber . the king administers the oath to them , and they sit , as the secretaries of state do upon benches , with backs to them , every man has his cushion , the counsellors are in the middle near the table , the secretaries of state at both ends . when the king assists there , he has a table above that of the counsellors , who for that time have only places , and the secretaries of state stand . this council is held twice every saturday , and but once on mondays and tuesdays , all of them are called his counsellors , and they deliberate here upon affairs of the greatest importance , such as peace and war , leagues and truces . here they likewise treat of the marriage of the kings and princes of the royal family , and distribute the viceroyships , and all the governments of the provinces that are under the obedience of the king of spain , and altho other affairs are examined in other councils , yet the counsellors of state don't for all that omit to give the king their advice about them . behold a list of those that compose this council at present . the constable of castile , who is the dean of it . the duke of alva . don pedro d' arragon . the admiral of castile . the marquess d' astorgas . the duke d' ossone the prince de stillano . don vincente gonzaga , prince de guastallo . don lovis portocarero cardinal and archbishop of toledo . the marquess de liche . themarquess de loz balbazez . don diego sarmiento . the prince de ligne . the duke de villa hermosa . don melchior navarra . the marquess de los velez . the count d' oropesa . the marquess de mansera , and the duke d' albuquerque . the council royal of castile . this council is the chief of all , and to distinguish it from the rest by a title of honour , the king calls it our council . it was established by st. ferdinand the third of that name , in the year . there are in this council a president , sixteen counsellors , a fiscal , six reporters , six secretaries , a register , and a keeper of the registers , a receiver of the fines due to the council , another of the fines adjudged to particular persons , a treasurer , a deputy , and a dozen porters . the council assembles every friday in the palace , towards evening the king comes there . the kings , don ferdinand the fourth , and don alonzo the last of that name , established this custom . this council is divided into four chambers , where they distribute those affairs that are under their jurisdiction in castile . one of them goes by the name of the chamber of the fifteen hundred pistoles , because such a sum is to be consigned before any man can get a review of a process which is pretended to be unjustly judged by the parliaments of vailladolid and granada , which are the two parliaments of castile . when the president of castile , goes out of the council , the counsellors follow him to his chair ; he never makes any visits , never gives the right hand to any at his house ; he is to give the king an account of the most important affairs , that pass in council , where they name a council every week to report them . when the king comes there , they all uncover themselves and kneel down . afterwards they cover themselves and sit . when audience is over , the king retires into his cabinet with the president , who discourses him about business of the greatest moment for which the king gives his orders , and this does not return any more to the chamber for the counsellors to deliberate upon it . in the year . all castile was divided into five districts , and every district is under a counsellor of the council royal , who takes cognizance of the conduct of the judges , the lords , ecclesiasticks , and other secular persons . besides this , there is a particular council that is called the council of the chamber of castile ; the president is the chief , and the king names a certain number of counsellors of the council royal whether they be three , or four that compose it . here it is that they dispatch all benefices in the king's nomination , titles , and patents for the most considerable places , letters of naturalization , and the ratification of orders to arrest the grandees of spain , and the graces and favours , to which his majesty is pleased to give his consent . the king receives prodigious sums of money for the places that are sold by the means of these counsellors . he gives likewise the patents and commissions of several places of justice , and 't is commonly pretended that in the two castiles , the kingdom of leon , guypuscoa , biscay , the province de hana , and in navarr there are above thousand places of judicature . secretary of state , and of the vniversal dispatch . this secretary is in a condition to serve or injure people , according as he stands affected to them , for all the requests and petitions , which they call memorials here , and are presented to the king or chief minister , pass through his hands . 't is he who sends them to his counsellors , who are to give their advice concerning them : after the consult is made ( for this is their phrase in spain ) these petitions are sent back again to the secretary of state , and when he reports them to the king , his majesty orders what pleases him , and this is called a decree . this decree is expedited by persons proposed for that office ; so that when these requests are carried to the king they say the memorial is mounted ; and when they are answered , they say the memorial falls down ; or else the consult ascended and the decree descended . without counting the secretary of state , whom i have been speaking of , there are two more that enter the council , one of them dispatches the affairs of arragon , of italy and sicily , the other those of castile and the north. one of these is named don manuel de lira , who was formerly master of the ceremonies , and envoy extraordinary in holland ; he was made at his return secretary of state. the other is called don pedro colonna , he is descended of a good family , and those of his house have always possest great places . they may give their advice in writing in matters of consequence . the king sends the decrees to them , and through their hands affairs go to the council of state : they make a report of them there , and gather the voices ; and give an account of all to his majesty , who at last orders it as he thinks fit . they have power to assemble the council out of the appointed days , when they judge it convenient , and when the king has a mind that they should have any extraordinary meeting , they send the order immediately to all the counsellors . every secretary of state has a chief commissary , who is called the official mayor , and exercises his masters office , when he happens to be absent . the secretary of state for italy has eight commissaries reckoning him that is the principal , the king pays them : and the secretary of state for the north has seven under him ; they chuse them themselves and the king gives his consent : these dispatch all patents , and generally those persons that get into these employments , advance their fortunes in the world . the council of war. this began as soon as the kingdoms of castile and leon were erected , under king pelagius , in the year . it assembles on mundays , wednesdays , and fridays : as for what concerns the government of it , the king is always president of it , and the counsellers are men of the sword. they must be men of experience and service , the number of them is not fixed , and it depends upon the king's pleasure to augment or to diminish them . their places are not regulated in the council , but they sit as they they come . it is indeed true , that when the counsellors of state are called thither , they have the upper end , but then they never come but at a time when a full council of war is held . they have two secretaries , who have each of them two commissaries under them , one of these is for the sea-affairs , and the others for those at land. when they debate about matters of justice , an assessor of the council royal , makes a report of them , who has likewise the priviledge to give his opinion before the dean of the council : the king comes there almost most every day . there are besides some other chambers that depend upon this council , such as those of the flota's , the gallies , and the garrisons . the king nominates the officers for these chambers . the councils are the same with those of the council of war , and 't is the chief minister or the president of castile that presides there . alcaldes of the court. the word alcalde signifies a judge of any place . this tribunal is full as ancient as the council royal , whoever is judged to be a criminal by it can make no appeals but is executed immediately . for this reason it is named the quinta sala , that is to say , the fifth hall. here they determine both civil and criminal affairs , but when these councils were established in castile , the judges thereof were reduced to four alcaldes . they have been augmented since , and are nine at present , two reporters and four registers : their jurisdiction is divided into two parts , one , as i said before , relates only to criminal matters , the other is like that of ordinary judges , and is to direct the management of civil affairs . the supream council of the inquisition . this council was erected in the year . by don ferdinand , and donna isabella , king and queen of castile , to defend and preserve the catholick religion , altho it is certain that this tribunal of the inquisition was established ever since the year . the president of this council is called the inquisitor general , and the counsellors , the apostolick inquisitors . they are named by the pope , and there are in spain above twenty thousand officers belonging to the holy inquisition , whose business it is to seize the persons of criminals . every council consists of six inquisitors ( the word signifies enquirers , ) the fiscal who is the accuser , two secretaries , and alguazil principal , two reporters , a receiver of the fines , four porters , and a sollicitor . the inquisition keeps its tribunals at madrid , at toledo , at granada , at sevil , at cordova , at murcia , at guenza , at logrono , at lierena , in gallicia , and at vailladolid . the council of orders . this was erected in the year . the duke de sessa of the house de cordonne is now the president of it , he has two counsellors of the order of st. iago , two of calatrava , two of alcantara , a fiscal and a secretary , who are all knights . the king is grand master of these three orders , and is called the perpetual administrator of it . this council take cognizance of the temporal and spiritual government and of the civil and and criminal justice of these orders . there are also religious men and religious women of it , who bring their proofs and carry the mark of the order . 't is in concert with this council that the king examines those of his subjects , who are capable of filling the places and vacant governments that depend upon the order . the sacred royal and supream council of arragon . the king don ferdinand established this council at madrid in the year . charles the fifth confirmed it in the year . and appointed new regulations of it in . when he passed through catalonia to go into italy . the chief of this council is called the vice-chancellor , who at present is don pedro d' arragon , and the prince de stillano is treasurer general . this place is hereditary to the family of the duke de medina de las torres , and this duke is the head of it . three of the councellers are to be natives of valentia , three of arragon , three of catalonia , a protonotary , a fiscal , four secretaries , four scriveners , a procurator general , nine commissaries for the great registers , five for the little , one for letters , four porters , and an alguazil : the isles of majorca , minorca , sardinia , and innica are under the jurisdiction of this council ; they take cognizance of every thing that happens within the extent of their authority ; and deliberate with the king about ecclesiastick and military affairs , vice-roy-ships , bishopricks , the finances , and in short about whatsoever relates to the civil government . the council royal of the indies . the spaniards having had the good fortune to find out this part of the world which was unknown before , and to reduce it under the dominion of spain , his catholick majesty in the year . established a council of the indies at madrid ; charles the fifth in . added a clause to it about the preserving of religion , and ordained that it should be composed of a lord chancellor , a president , eight councellers of the long robe , and four of the sword , with a deputy to the chancellor , a fiscal , a treasurer , four contadores , an alguazil mayor , two secretaries who have each a dozen commissaries under them , two agents to the fiscal , five reporters , one historiographer , one geographer , one chaplain , one sacristan , one advocate , and one proctor for the poor , ten porters , one scrivener , and a counceller of the contratation at sevil ; this last is commanded to preserve and keep together all the ordinances and laws for the indies . there is a chief , and an under commissary , and four more under him . this council together with the king takes cognizance of every thing that has relation to the several kingdoms and provinces in the indies , of navigation , of war , of peace , and of civil and criminal affairs . philip the fourth created a chamber for the indies in the year . before the duke de medina celi was made chief minister , he was president of the council , he still retains the profits as well as the title of it , but he has placed in his room don vincente gonzaga councellor of state , by a commission ; he is called the governor of the council of the indies . the council of italy . charles the fifth first erected this council in the year . and afterwards philip the second did cast it into a new form. it is composed of six councellors and a president , which office at present is filled by the duke of alva of the house of toledo . they are called councellors regent , and there are two for the affairs of milan , two for those of sicily , and two for those of naples . of this number three are to be spaniards , and three italians . the last of these reside upon the place where their district is , and have a fiscal , a secretary , two reporters and four porters . the president has no voice in the affairs of justice ; his business is to propose persons to the king for military employments . this council takes cognizance of matters of state , of grace , and of justice that lie within the reach of their jurisdiction , as also of the affairs of the treasury . they consult with the king about the disposing of bishopricks , and places of justice , as well as those of the finances and the civil list , and in short about all governments of places , except some few that belong to the council of state , as for example the castle of naples does . they deliberate about the government of the mildnese , naples and sicily . the council of the finances named de hazienda . philip the third in the year . established this council . it consists of four tribunals , don carlos ramirez de atellano is president of it ; eight councellors of the sword , and the president compose this council . their chief business lies in the recovery and administration of the finances , in the raising and augmenting of the rents , graces , priviledges and concessions of the king. they make treaties for defraying the expence of the houshold and of the armies . when there is occasion for advance-mony , they are to find out people to do it . the president signs all the expeditions alone by himself , after he he has received the king's order , and the consult of the council , for all gratifications , appointments , assignments , profits , pensions , ordinances and advances of uundertakers . their expeditions are made in two offices , in each of which there is a chief commissary , two seconds , and two that are called entretenus . there are a dozen contadores , that keep the registers , and accounts of this council . the last contador is called ecrivain major , which signifies the register of his majesty's rents : they all go the council of the finances , where they cover themselves after they have stood bare for some time . they give them a sign to go , when the secretaries have a mind to come in . in the regard of the affairs , and trials belonging to the tribunal of the oydores , and the council of the finances , there is a great number of inferiour officers , whose places are sold , and four reporters , that are named by the council . the council of the crusade . pope iulius the second in the year . granted the priviledge of the crusade to the kings of spain , to make war against the infidels ; the revenue of it is so considerable , that it brings in several millions , and in the same year queen ioan and the king her father , who governed in her name , formed and erected the council of the cruzada . the president thereof carries the title of commissary general , and he is at present don henriquez de benavides y bazan , patriarch of the indies . it is composed of two councellors of the council of castile , and two regents , one of the council of arragon , the other of that of the indies , a fiscal , two treasurers , a reporter , two registers , and three sollicitors . this council gives permission or licence to publish jubiles , and to print books ; all the states of his catholick majesty are under its jurisdiction , except those of flanders , milan and naples , who would never admit of its authority . they judge without appeal . the council of flanders . philip the fourth named the president and councellors of it in the year . this council is superiour to all those that are established in flanders : the prince de stillano was president of it , but the count de monterey is now preferred to this post. it consists of no more than three councellors . the council d' aposento . since the first floor that is raised in all the houses in madrid , belongs to the king , this council may rent it , or sell it until the proprietors redeem it . don alonzo , the eleventh of that name , erected in the year . a junto consisting of a president , who is called the aposentador major , of six aposentadores of exercise , ( because some others may be admited into it if they are veteranes , ) of a fiscal , a secretary , a receiver , an alguazil , and a porter . this junto preserves his majesty's rights , they take care likewise to lodge the officers of the king's houshold . the council of the chamber of castile . queen ioan and charles the fifth her son , erected this council in the year . the president of castile is the chief man of it , with four councellors of the same council , three secretaries and a reporter . they meet toward night on mundays and wednesdays every week at the presidents house , and give him an account of all the posts that are to be filled in the two castiles . they expedite all remissions and deliver the titles to dukes , marquesses , counts , and the names of the villages . they likewise look after all the benefices , that are in the king's presentation , by the apostolick commission . the iunto de bosques reale . charles the fifth established it in the : it consists of two councellors , an alcalde , a fiscal and a secretary . their business is to look after the palace , and the rest of the king's houses as well in city as in country , and likewise to take care of his majesty's woods . the iunto of the millions . philip the fourth observing that the council de hazienda was overcharged with business , in the year . formed a chamber composed of a president , four councellors of the finances , four commissaries deputies of the states , a fiscal , and two proctors of the court. this chamber is called the tribunal of the millions , because here they receive the revenue that arises from imposts upon victuals , oyl , wine and vinegar , and amounts to a prodigious summ. the end of the first part. memoirs of the court of spain . pa●t ii. on the fea●● of the annunciation , the young q. went to the monastery of the incarnation . the french ambassador's lady accompanied her thither ; but tho' she never so earnestly desired to have an opportunity to entertain her in private , she could not find one single moment to do it ; for the vigilant camarera would not allow the q. that liberty . at her return , she served nine poor women at dinner , and gave each of them a suit of apparel , and five pistols in their purse : the maids of honour carried the dishes ; the q. mother performed the same ceremony on her side . but what infinitely surprized the q. was to find a billet privately slipt into her pocket , and thus superscribed : for the queen alone . at first she was in doubt , whether she ought to open it or no ; but presently after she had a mind to carry it to the king : nevertheless the uncertainty of what was contained in it , and after what manner the k ▪ might take it , prevailed with her at last to open it . it seemed to be written in a disguised sort of an hand , and contained these words in spanish : the supreme elevation of your majesty , and the mighty difference that 〈◊〉 between us , has not been able to efface that passio● which your admirable qualities have infused into my heart . i adore you , my queen ; i die in adoring you ; and i dare say , that i am not unworthy , to adore you : i see you , i sigh after you ; but you don't know my sighs , you don't understand my secret languishings ; nay , you don't turn your charming eyes upon me . ab , madam , how unhappy am i to be born a subject , who find my self possessed with the inclinations of the greatest k. in the universe . the queen continued some time surprized and astonished : she could not imagine who this rash person was , that had the hardiness to write to her in these terms ; and did not question , but that the billet was slipt into her pocket by one of the poor women whom she had served . but then it appear'd very strange , that a man , who seem'd to be of great quality , would trust his life ( for nothing less was hazarded ) into the hands of a poor needy creature ; for such she must be that could approach the q. that day . it was true indeed , that she had been amongst the religious women of the incarnation ; but altho' some of them might undertake this business , yet there was little probability to believe it , by reason of the consequences that would have proved fatal to the party concerned , if ever the matter came to be discovered . sometimes she thought , that perhaps it might be a trick of the camarera mayor , to see what use she made of this billet , and then to acquaint the king with it , and turn the most innocent thing in the world into a wrong sense . after these different reflections , at last she judged it would be the safest way to discover the matter to the q. mother , and follow her advice . she went the next day to dine with her , and afterwards shew'd her the letter , beseeching her to keep it : that if the k. came to know any thing of the matter , she would be so kind as to testifie the whole truth . the q. mother seeing that she was discomposed at it , assured her , that it was not worth the while to torment her self about it ; and from whatever hands the letter came , if the king was disquieted at it , she would take care to acquaint him wi●●●ne truth : so that the queen le●t her more at ease than she was before , by reason of this assurance . on this day the q. arrived to her eighteenth year : she received the compliments of all the lords , and the ladies made her presents , particularly the q. mother , who sent her a set of diamonds and turquoises . at night there was a consort of french musick at the palace . it was much about this time that the envoy of brandenburgh parted from madrid , complaining , and loudly th●eatning them with his master's resentments . he came to receive several considerable sums , which the elector had sent to the k. of spain . they had amused him a long time with many tedious delays , but at last gave him an assignation to receive fifty thousand crowns of the silver that was daily expected from the indies . when the flota was arrived , he went to sevil , but his journey had no success , because they had ordered the president of the * contration at sevil , to give him nothing . he came back to madrid with all the fury imaginable , to find himself treated with so little respect : he renewed his importunities ; and they for their part renewed their promises : at last he was so wearied with these continual delays , whereby they still put him off , that he demanded a positive answer , and yet tarried longer than he had resolved . but his master being informed of the whole proceedings , ordered him to take his audience of leave . the duke de medina celi would fain have stopt him , promising to pay down fifty thousand crowns in four months : and perhaps the envoy had stay'd in expectation of them , if he had not been otherwise ordered , altho' there was little probability , that he would have received satisfaction at the time appointed ; and so he refused this proposal . then they offered him thirty thousand crowns in hand . he was upon the point of accepting them , when he was given to understand , that this would be paid him no better than the rest . this put him into a great passion , which made him speak so fiercely and freely to the ministers , that he did not spare them at all . he shew'd several persons a letter from the elector of brandenburgh , which was full of menaces , for the rude treatment of his envoy . the night before he parted , they sent him a golden chain worth a hundred and fifty pistols ; but he returned it immediately back again to the person who brought it to him from the king : the next day the same chain was brought to him the second time ; but he sent it back to the chief minister , and told him , he would rather say , he had lost it upon the road , than accept of a present that was so unworthy of the elector his master . on the other side , the count de gubernatis , envoy from savoy , seeing that all his solicitations and instances for four years last past , hadnot advanced his negotiation , in the least ; and that all the hopes they gave him of granting the same honours to the ministers of the duke of savoy , as they received in france , were only dilatory illusions to amuse him , without ever designing to perform them ; he departed from madrid in a great fury , which was so much the greater , because they refused to satisfie his demands , in the payment of those subsidies that were due to his master . some of the other envoys departed also with no less discontents ; and as for those that stay'd behind , they complained in their turns , of the ill usage they had received . but forreigners were not the only persons that were disgusted the subjects of the k. of spain were little better used ; and the count de balbo , with several milanese officers , returned to italy , without being able to obtain what was due to them , or get the recompence they demanded . it is indeed certain , that the king had no funds , that the price of victuals was not in the least diminished , that many poor : artisans and day-labourers died of hunger , and that those men who were supposed to be rich , had billets often sent to them to send their money to such and such places , with great menaces to assassinate them , in case they failed . another affair happened , upon which the court had their eyes fixt for a long time , and several persons of the highest quality found themselves interested in it , by the means of the prince d' stillano , and the count de monterey . the first of these possess'd the place of president of the council of flanders at madrid ; it was taken from him by don iuan of austria , and conferr'd upon the count de monterey , who had never taken possession of it . the pretence they used to set by the prince de stillan● , was a quarrel raised for the purpose . he had been banished , but was afterwards informed under hand , that he might , if he pleased , come back to madrid : so he fell into the snare , and returned . the k. and don iuan seemed to be very angry with him , because he presumed to come back , contrary to his majesty's order ; and therefore to punish him , they bestow'd his place upon the count de monterey , who at that time commanded the army in catalonia ; and after this usage were so far from revoking his sentence , that they banished him to his old place . the fi●st thing the count did after he had been summoned to the court , was to demand the oath of his office , and the k. promised to chuse a convenient opportuni●y to receive him : but the q. mother being informed of it by don geronimo d' eguya , hindered the king from receiving the oath of the count de monterey , because she had a kindness for the prince d' stillano , who was altogether devoted to her service . the affair continued in this condition , till the duke de medina celi was advanced to the ministry , who assembled a iuncto at cardinal p●rt●carero's palace , to examine the reasons of one side and t'other : the cardinal presided in it , and was assisted by the king 's and queen mother's confessors , by don benedetto , and by don pedro gil del faro : they gave the prince de stillano to understand , that since his majesty had disposed of his place in favour of the count de monterey , he had nothing left him to do , but only to submit . to this the prince answer'd , that by an ancient law of castile , the king could not take away his place , without commencing a process against him . upon this the iuncto broke up , but at their second meeting concluded , that it was in the king's power to dispose of this office , who having a great inclination to the count , had decided it in his advantage . whilst the prince de stillano continued thus outed , the queen-mother was sensibly concerned at the injustice that was done to one of her principal servants ; and she was perswaded , as well as the rest of her family , that they could reproach him with nothing but his faithful adhering to that princess . he still persisted in his demands to have his tryal come on ; that since they had taken away his place from him , as from a criminal , they ought to treat him as one , and punish him according to his faults . all the queen-mother's faction joyned in the same complaints ; but that did not hinder the count de monterey from continuing still in his place . it is true , that considering him personally , he was more deserving than the p●●nce de stillano ; that he had faithfully served the king in flanders , when he was governour there , at a time when affairs were in a ticklish condition . he is a well made agreeable person , of great abilities ; and we ought to reckon amongst his other good qualities , his alliance with the duke de medina celi ; and this was no small consideration , at a time when the duke did whatever he pleased at court : for example , he nominated his brother to be vice roy of mexico , which is a post where they get a prodigious wealth in a short time . the president of the council of castile , received about this time a breve from the pope , whereby he was enjoyn'd to repair immediately to rome , to give an account of his behaviour towards the nuncio ; but they were of opinion here , that he was not obliged to obey it . it was known at madrid , that the visitor general of the kingdom of naples had sent word to the duke de saint-angelo , dean of the collateral council , to depart out of naples within three days , and to retire sixty miles off . he obey'd this injunction , after having taken his leave of the vice-roy , and the most considerable persons of the city ; and afterwards went to gaette with his whole family . the vice-roy , who appeared in favour of him , was very glad that the city of naples had writ to the king of spain about him , with a great deal of zeal and affection . the visitor general enraged at the course they had taken , sent orders immediately to the duke de monte sardo , his son in law , to the duke della regina , his nephew , and to all his other relations , to be gone within an hour . the duke della regina being a magistrate of the city ▪ pretended , that he could not be hindered from staying in it . he summon'd his friends together , and after he had represented to them the injury that was done to himself in particular , he declared to them , that the visitor had a design to attack them too in general , as appeared by his severe examining the conduct of the princes and barons of that kingdom , although by their priviledges they were exempted from it . 't was resolved in this assembly , to meet again the next day ; and accordingly a great number of people came there . in short , there came more than sixty , who elected out of themselves the prince dotojano , of the house de medici● , the prince de la torella , of the house of caraccioli , and the duke de matalone , of the house de caraffa : they went to find out the vice-roy , who voluntarily engaged to speak to the visitor general ; but he coldly told him , that he executed the orders he had received from spain . hereupon the neapolitan lords were extreamly dissatisfied , and several of them wished , that they had some chief or other to head them , who was capable of a great resolution . for the better understanding of these memoirs , i ought to acquaint the reader , that the ambassadors , and even the envoys , had a certain right at madrid , which exempted them from paying any toll at the city gates , for those things that were nece●sary for their families . this custom had been observed time out of mind ; but it being discovered , that some persons had extended this priviledge farther than it ought to be , and that hereby the king suffered exceedingly in his dues ; the council judged it expedient to convert it into a sum of money , which was in effect paid to the forreign ministers , and the franquezas ( for so they call this right ) were abolished . there was likewise another priviledge , which is called immunidad del barrio ; that is to say , the ambassadors have a certain precinct markt out about their houses , in which compass justice is not to be performed without their permission , and the alcaldes dare not pass in the ambassador's quarter with their white rods , which is the badge of their authority . every ambassador is so jealous to preserve this priviledge , that some forreign ministers have been so hardy as to hang the alguazils at their gates , when they found them trespassing in this point . i must confess very few of them have carried things to this extremity , but several have ordered them to receive an hundred blows with a cudgel . notwithstanding the apparent risque they ran , and the consequences that such infractions might carry , the corrigidor , accompanied with his officers , passed at mid-day through the quarter belonging to our ambassador : they carried with them their white rods ; but he not being informed of it till they were quite gone , could only send to the corrigidor to tell him , that he was extreamly surprized at his procedure , and that for the time to come , he should remember his duty better . he answer'd , that he was ignorant , till he was now better informed , that the ambassador's quarter extended so far as the place through ▪ which he had passed ; and that it was sufficient he knew it now . but notwithstanding this sort of satisfaction , the very same corrigidor a few days after came by that way again , and pass'd before the ambassador's house at a time ●hen he was abroad . the marquiss de villars being informed of it , complained loudly of this insolence . he expected with impatience what would be the result of the matter , when an order from the king came to him , wherein his majesty revoked the priviledges of his quarter , pretending it was not just , that the ambassador of france should be more favourably treated at madrid , than the ambassador of spain was at paris . it was said at court , that in that great city the officers of justice went when they pleased up to the very gates of the spanish ambassador , to perform the functions of their respective offices : that in the year . there was issued out a declaration of the same nature with this ; that the renewing of it was no novelty , and that since the first declaration the ambassadors had only enjoy'd this priviledge by sufferance , but that for the future they were resolved to connive at it no more . monsieur de villars answer'd , that he owed too great a respect to the king , ever to remove himself from it : that he was assured the king his master would approve of the proposal to ●●eas their ambassador , as they did his in spain : but th●● they ought to consider , what priviledges that minister has at the court of france : that it was not necessary there to demand audience and permission , which always retard affairs , in order to speak to the king and queen , to see them , and accompany them ; that he went a hunting with the king ; that he assisted at feasts , and other ceremonies , as often as he pleased ; that he was allow'd to have six horses to his coach , and so to drive all about paris : that the ambassador's lady went in the queen's coach ; that she sometimes dined with her , and that she received several marks of distinction , all which served to make an embassy pass very agreeable : that it ought to be considered , that he did not enjoy all these advantages at madrid : and lastly , that he would take care to acquaint his master with the declaration of his christian majesty : that he could not have an answer immediately , by reason of the great distance ; and that it was but reasonable and just , that things should continue in the old state , till it arrived . but the king of spain issu'd out a second declaration , wherein it was said , that his majesty persisted in his first resolution , and that he thought fit to take away the immunities of the french ambassador's quarter , without assigning any cause . 't is indeed very surprising , that monsieur de villars , who had reason to promise himself very advantageous . distinctions upon the queen's account , should be the only man , who was singled out from the rest of the ambassadors , to have his franchises taken away from him , whilst the others ●njoy'd theirs as formerly . he did not fail to send advice to the court of france of what had happened ; the king was sensibly concerned at his ill usage , and promised to see justice done to him . but monsieur desiring , that things might not be carried to extremities , neither on one side nor the other , writ a letter to the queen his daughter , wherein he signified to her his great trouble and inquietude about this affair . he conjured her to use all her interest with the king her husband , to engage him to do his most christian majesty justice . she was kept ignorant till this very moment , of what had passed , and was no less surprized than afflicted at it . she took occasion to discourse the king about it at a favourable juncture , as she imagined ; but he answer'd her coldly enough , that it was a long time a-go since this affair had been regulated , and that he would dispense with himself for telling her the reasons . she earnestly importuned him to acquaint her with them ; and after infinite sollcitations , he could only be brought to reply as follows : esque me quiteram este embaxador , y me embiaram otro gavacho . which signifies in our language ; let them take away this ambassador from me , and send me another in his room . it is easie to judge , that the king speaking in those terms , was not only prejudiced against the marquess de villars , but also against any other that might be sent to him . whatsoever intreaties the queen made to oblige him to settle matters in ●●e estate they were formerly , yet he continued still inflexible , and seem'd indeed to act in this affair rather by another spirit than his own , without making any reflection , either he or his council , that france would resent the injury . but they awaked out of their lethargy , when they saw an extraordinary courier arrive on the th of april to the marquess villars's house . they had terrible apprehensions upon them , that he brought a declaration of war along with him ; and the suspicions they had entertain'd a long time from the side of italy , sensibly alarm'd them . our ambassador had audience of the duke de medina celi , to demand the re establishment of his franchises , and the jurisdiction of his quarter . he represented to him the hardship of his usage , and the little reason they had to treat him after this manner , and to chose him from amongst the rest to be affronted : that the king his master was never the aggressor , but that he would not tamely suffer an injury , without revenging it : that particularly he was sensible of this , and demanded publick satisfaction for it . the duke alledged , as he had done before , that ever since the year . the king of spain was resolved not to grant the franchises to the ambassadors any longer , but that the relaxation which time causes in every thing , was the reason that the forreign ministers by little and little recovered their former rights ; that this was no good consequence , why it should take place of the law , and for a testimony that they had no intention to disgust him in this particular , he might rest assured , that for the time to come , all the other ambassadors should be treated after the same manner . to this the marquess de villars made answer , that instead of finding any particular satisfaction for himself , he met with a new subject of complaint , upon the score of this general conduct ; that since the new alliance that was contracted between the two crowns , the natural right warranted him to expect that the ambassadors of one would easily merit-favours of the other , and even procure them for their friends ; that he was so far from meeting that usage , that he could get nothing for them but affronts ; but ●hat this was not the 〈◊〉 he demanded : that as for the declaration of . he was not obliged to take the least notice of it , since having been ambassador at madrid , near four years a-go , he peaceably enjoy'd all those priviledges , which now they designed to retrench him of , under the pretence of that declaration . he was not content with discoursing the chief minister about this affair , but demanded audience of the king , and immediately obtained it . so he presented to him his letters of credence , to have this affair regulated , and ●aid every thing that was necessary to engage him to make necessary reflections upon a thing that might draw after it such evil consequences . he reminded him of the peace that was so lately sworn , and of the marriage he had contracted with a princess of the blood of france , and told him what little occasion he had to disgust the most christian king ; that in truth , his master believed he did not act by his own inclinations , and that upon this consideration he was disposed to receive the satisfaction he had so much reason to promise himself on his part . the king of spain only answered with veremos , according to his usual custom . after this , it was deliberated in council , what was necessary to be done in the business : the council gave their advice to the chief minister , and he to the king , as is the way in spain . at last a resolution was taken up , that the marquess de los balbazez , who had been named to go commissary to the ambassador in france , should give him satisfaction . in pursuance to this order , he went to the palace of the marquess de villars , and presented to him a paper that was signed , wherein was represented in terms full of amity and respect , that the king of spain had given necessary orders to his ambassador , to give that answer and satisfaction to his most christian majesty , which he had demanded in his letter ; and that he came to assure him , that the king his master had so great a regard to all the motives of friendship that united their majesties , that he would still continue the ambassador of france in all the priviledges and immunities of his quarter ; and that he should likewise have the right of the franchises paid to him ; that if he had them not till this present , it was only occasioned by his own neglect to demand them ; and that the king had never any designs to take them away from him . it is a thing seldom practised in other courts to begin actions of this nature , unless they have had an important occasion to do it , and afterwards to abandon them with an easiness , which may in some measure be attributed to their great weakness ; but there are some places where this conduct is more in request than others , and the court of spain is one of them . some persons were even perswaded , that this design of taking away the ambassador's priviledges , was executed by the ministers , only out of a principle of revenge , because our king had sent word to the duke de giovenazzo , that he was willing to give him at his court all the advantages that belonged to the character of the ambassador of spain , wherewith he was invested ; but that he had no intention to leave him those liberties which he allowed to others . and he had a particular reason to observe this conduct with him ; for it is very well known , that when he was in the quality of envoy at the court of savoy , he had busied himself , without any provocation , to put them upon the design of burning the vessels of toulon , and the magazines of pignerol : so that the king having very just reasons to look upon him as a particular enemy , it was natural enough to deny him those favours that are allowed to those persons for whom we have an esteem . however it was , if the court of spain was at the bottom mortified at this matter , they took care not to make it appear ; and to take away from our king an ambassador who was by no means agreeable to him , they immediately named the marquess de la fuente to go and supply his place . the queen was extremely satisfied to see the business of the franchises terminate as she desired . the king , who loved her tenderly , notwithstanding all those secret enemies that did her ill services with him , knowing that one of her greatest diversions was to ride a hunting , ordered three fine horses to be brought to her from andalusia . she chose one of the most mettlesome , and mounted him ; but she was no sooner got upon his back , but he began to caper , and was very like to have thrown himself backwards upon her , when she fell : one of her feet unluckily happened to hang in the stirrup , and the horse finding this embarras , ran about very furiously , and dragged the poor queen after him , to the extream peril of her life . this accident happen'd in the court of the palace . the king beholding her from a balcony , was brought to the last despair ; and though the court was full of persons of quality , and the guards , yet no one durst offer to go and help the queen , because it is not lawful for any body to touch her , and especially by the feet , unless it be the chief of her menins , or pages , who puts on her chiopins : these are a sort of sandals , into which the ladies put their shooes , and make them appear very tall . the queen always supports her self upon one of her menins , when she walks any where ; but these were children too small to rescue her from the danger wherein she was . at last , two spanish knights , one of whom was named don louis de las torres , and the other don iaime de soto-mayor , resolved , whatever might happen , to deliver her : so one of them caught hold of the horse by the bridle , and stopt him ; the other took hold immediately of the queen's foot , took it out of the stirrup , and put one of his fingers out of joynt in doing her this piece of service : but without tarrying a moment , away they went to their houses , and presently ordered their horses to be sadled , to escape the king's indignation . the young count de pennaranda , who was a friend to both of them , approached the queen , and told her very respectfully , that those gentlemen who had been so happy as to save her life , were yet in fear of losing their own . she had the goodness to speak to the king in their favour , because , as i mentioned before , no body was permitted to touch her , and particularly by the feet . the king , who came down immediately , to see in what a condition she was , testified an extraordinary joy to find she was not hurt , and very kindly received the request she made in behalf of these generous criminals . word was immediately sent to them , who by this time were got on horse-back to save themselves : the queen honoured them with a present , and ever after had a particular consideration for them . a few days after this accident had befallen the young queen , she received a small disgust from the king upon this occasion : she had a very pretty spaniel with her , and the little creature used to lie with her a nights . the queen happening to miss her one night , got out of her bed , and groped up and down the room for her ; the king too finding the queen was not in bed , got up likewise to find her . behold them now in the midst of a great chamber , without any light , going on one side and t'other , and rubbing their shins against every thing they met ; at last , the king being impatient , asked the queen , why she got up ? the queen answered him , to search for her spaniel : and is it worth the while , said he , for a king and queen of spain to rise out of their beds , to find a little pitiful bitch ? being thus vexed , he spurned the poor creature with his foot , as she came against his legs , and was like to kill it . at the crys she made , the queen , who loved the bitch , could not forbear to complain in a sweet manner , and came to bed again very sorrowful ; but neither the king nor she were able to find it again ; and they were forced to call up the queen's women to bring them a light. the next morning the king went out very early a hunting all alone , without saying a word to the queen . this disquieted her all day long , and she past the greatest part of it leaning upon the windows of her chamber , although the dutchess de terra nova frequently disturbed her , and told her , that a queen of spain ought not to look out at a window . all that day she impatiently expected the king's return , and as soon as ever he lighted from his horse , met him about half the stair-case , and threw her self about his neck , with that agreeable french liberty , which she had not yet forgotten : he was perfectly charmed at it , and could not forbear to embrace her often , altho it is not the custom in that country , where their way of saluting the ladies , is to press their arms with their hands . he was in so good a humour , that she obtained leave for the duke de ossone , to come back to court , and execute his place of great master of the horse . the iuncta , that was erected to determine the affair between the nuncio , and don iuan de la puente y guebarra , president of the council of castile , decided it on the th of april . he was sentenced to be banished , and turned out of his office. the nuncio demanded of them , that they would oblige him to go to rome , to take off the suspension he had incurred ; but they thought they had punished him sufficiently . abundance of people said , that these great names he took upon him , did not belong to him ; and that his true name was don iuan de montesillo , and that he was barely a gentleman of the province of castile . he finished the course of his studies at salamania , and afterwards was made canon of toledo . his behaviour mightily pleased the archbishop of toledo , who was at that time cardinal of arragon , and taking a delight in his conversation , trusted him with the management of all his affairs . he acquitted himself so well in this station , that the archbishop took care to recommend , and make him known to don iuan of austria , whom he extreamly pleased by the suppleness of his carriage , and the vivacity of his genius ; and whether that prince had any particular designs upon him , or only intended to prefer him , to acquit himself of the promise he had made to the cardinal , he made him president of the chancery of valladolid . some time after the count de villambrosa , who was president of castile , happening to die , the prince gave his place to don iuan de la puente . to say the truth , he only executed that office by a commission ; but it was a very great post , and could not fail to draw the envy of several persons upon him : and so it really did ; for few people were concerned at his misfortunes : they looked upon him as one of the creatures of don iuan ; and those that were always looking out for an object for their hatred , when that prince was gone , vented all their spleen and indignation upon him . the people accused him of all their grievances , and pretended , that he was the cause of crying down the money ; that being in a place which rendered chief of justice and the civil government , he might , if he had been so minded , have found out some way or other to relieve so many different persons , that suffered according to their condition . but the complaints of private men , nay , even those of the publick in general , could not have been able to hurt him , if there had not been a necessity at that juncture , to oblige the pope , by reason of the apprehensions they had of the designs of the most christian king upon italy . although the office of the president of castile is the next in dignity to that of the chief minister , yet all people have not an equal desire to possess it . don iuan ascensio , bishop of avila , whom the king nominated to it , refused it : an order was sent to him , to come immediately , but he desired the duke de medina celi to excuse him , and leave him in his diocess . he had formerly been a religious of the mercy , and general of his order : however , as it is a hard matter to resist the will of one's prince , especially when it happens to be so advantageous as this was , he obey'd the second order that was sent him , and came without any delay . he was a person of great discretion ; and 't is certain a man cannot have too much to qualifie him for the exercise of so considerable a place : for the council of castile regulates all the affairs that respect the government of the states of castile : it was first created in the year . by st. ferdinand , king of castile ; it is composed of a president and sixteen counsellors ; the president never makes any visits , and at his house gives the right hand to no body . they summon to this council the chanceries of granada and vailladolid , and the courts of judicature of sevil and gallicia , which are the four seats of justice , where they determine , by way of appeal , all the suits that are judged by the corrigidors in the cities , and by the alcades in the villages : when the king speaks of the council of castile , he barely calls it our council . the court was exceedingly troubled at the advices they received , that the vice-roy of naples , having with no small pains , heaped together the sum of two hundred thousand crowns , part of which he had borrowed to send to piombino , portolongone , orbitelle , and some other places which the king of spain possesses on the coasts of tuscany ; the money being embarked in a felouque , eight slaves found the opportunity to carry off the vessel : two small vessels and a gally were sent after them to bring them back , but they were gone too far to be recovered : so all the pains of the marquess de los-velez , tended only to set eight slaves at liberty , and enrich them for the remainder of their lives . the ambassador of venice seeing that he of france received satisfaction upon the occasion of the franchises and immunities , redoubled his instances to have justice done him upon the alguazils , who had killed two of his attendants . he received satisfaction on the th of april . the alcalde who led them on was banished , and the alguazils were sent to prison , and were not enlarged but by his intreaty . if the count de monterey was sensibly affected with joy , to be preferr'd to the prince de astillano , as to the presidentship of flanders , he was not a little disgusted to see several persons made counsellors of state before him ; and notwithstanding he earnestly desired to be one of the number , he was disappointed . the king named the duke de albuquerque general at sea , the count doropesa , who was very young , and had no other dignity as yet , the marquess de los velez governour of naples , the duke de villa hermosa governour of flanders , don melchior navarra , who had been formerly vice-chancellor of arragon , the marquess de mansera mayor , domo major to the q. mother , and the inquisitor general , to be members of this council . it was commonly believed that the q. mother had a great influence in naming most of these lords . the council of state was instituted by charles the fifth in . here it is that they examine the merits and services of those persons that pretend to be made vice-roys , or to possess any other great employments : they regulate the most important affairs of the monarchy ; the king only is the president of it , and the number of the counsellors is not fixed . most people were surprized , that don carlos ramirez de arrellano , was made president of the finances , on the th of april , after he had been so long chained and shut up for his lunacy and madness : he was chosen in the room of don antonio de monsalve . no body could imagine for what reason the duke de medina celi thought fit to trust him with a post of that consequence ; for he had none of those qualities that are necessary to make a man capable of discharging it well ; nay , he had some that ought to have excluded him . amongst the rest , he was son-in-law to a corrigidor , named don francisco de herrera , who was mortally hated by the people ; and 't is said , not without just grounds , since he contributed not a little to the extream miseries under which they groaned . the council of finances , which is there called de hazienda , was established in the year . by philip iii. it is their business to inspect the tribunal , which is called the contaduria mayor , and was set up by philip the second in . a certain accident happened at court , which i cannot forbear to relate , although it is of little consequence . the queen had two of the prettiest parrots in the world , which she had brought along with her from france , and loved mightily : the dutchess de terra nova thought to do a meritorious work in killing them , because they could only talk french , one day when the queen was gone out to take a walk , and the dutchess , to avoid going with her , and to put this design in execution , had pretended a slight indisposition ; she demanded the parrots of the woman that looked after them , and so without any more a-do , as soon as ever she had got them into her hands , wrung off their necks , in spight of all the prayers and intreaties that were used to prevent her from killing them . this was a great affliction to the poor french women that waited upon the queen , who when she came back to her apartment , commanded them to bring her parrots and dogs , as her custom was always when the king was not there : for he could not endure any of these little creatures , because they came from france ; and whenever he saw them , he cry'd , fuera , fuera , perros frances ; that is to say , out , out , you french dogs . all the queen's women , instead of going to fetch what she demanded , stared upon one another , and continued for some time immoveable , without daring to speak a word ; but at last , after a long silence , one of them gave her an account of the execution which the camarera had made of them . she was extreamly concerned , although she took care not to discover it ; but as soon as the dutchess entred the room , and according to her custom , came to kiss her hand : the queen , without speaking a syllable to her , gave her two boxes on the ear with her hand . never was any thing in the world in such a rage and surprize as the dutchess was ; for she was one of the most haughty imperious women living , and carried as much state and grandeur : she possessed , as i mentioned before , a kingdom in mexico , and now to be buffeted by a young queen , whom she had hitherto treated like a child ; this appeared insupportable ; she immediately flew out of the room , saying all the impertinent things that her anger suggested to her , and assembled together her relations and friends , and above four hundred ladies : with this numerous train of coaches , she came to the king's apartment , to demand justice of him for the affront she pretended she had received from the queen : she made so great a clamour , and shed so many tears , that he sent for the queen to come to him : and as he represented to her the high rank which the camarera mayor held in the world , the queen interrupted him , and told him , without any hesitation , senor , esto es une antojo . these few unexpected words clearly changed the face of affairs ; the king embraced her with a thousand testimonies of joy , adding , that she had done very well ; and that if two blows were not enough to satisfie her , he consented she should give the dutchess two dozen more . now antojo signifies in the spanish tongue , the longing of a woman with child : and they are it seems convinced by long experience , that if women with child in that country have not what they desire , and don't do what they have a mind to do , they are delivered before their time of a dead infant . the king , who believed the queen was with child , was ravished with joy ; and though he had a mighty kindness for the dutchess , yet he exceedingly approved of the queen's action : so that all the satisfaction she received from him was this , cailla os , est as bofetadas son bii as del antojo ; that is to say , hold your peace● these bl●ws are the fruits of a woman with child . the queen had so much prudence and address , as not to take the least notice of the death of her parrots : so that she left the king no room to imagine , that the antojo of boxing the old dutchess proceeded from her own resentments . the marquess de villa menrique obtain'd the vice-royship of peru , which is one of the most considerable posts , by the means of a pretty lady , of whom the duke de medina celi was extreamly enamoured . the king , the queen , and the queen-mother , went together to buen-retiro to pass the holy week there . after easter was over , the king expressed a great desire to go to aranjuez , as it had always been the custom : but the queen-mother , who had no inclinations to be at any great distance from madrid , because all affairs were managed there , and the counsellors never stir out of it ; and likewise because the neighbourhood of toledo , where she had been formerly confined against her will , revived a sort of horror in her , raised so many obstacles , that the king alter'd his mind : so he stay'd but a very inconsiderable time at buen-retiro , and passed four days at the escurial . he would only suffer himself to be accompanied by the duke de medina celi , the master of the horse , one of the gentlemen of his bed-chamber , and the major domo . the next day after he was arrived , the queen wrote a very tender letter to him , and sent him a diamond ring . he sent her , by way of r●turn , a chaplet made of the wood of calambour , garnished with diamonds , in a little box of gold filagreen , wherein he inclosed a billet that had only these words , madam , there has been a great wind ; i have killed six wolves . as soon as he returned to madrid , the desire of going to aranjuez , seized him again . by a custom that had been established ever since the time of philip ii. the kings of spain were used to go to this noble house some time after easter . this is appointed in the ceremonial of the palace , which is a rule they always follow : in it are to be found all the ceremonies that are to be observed , the habits which the kings and queens are to wear , the time of their going to their royal houses , how long they are to continue there ; the days of going to chappel , as also those for bull feasts , and running at the ring , the hour of their majesties going to bed , and rising , and a thousand other things of the same nature . but , as it happen'd , there was so great a scarcity of money , that the king was obliged to stay at madrid : however , to excuse and colour so extraordinary a thing , they gave out , that the small pox was at aranjuez , which being scituated upon the road to malaga , where the plague raged , and from whence it might easily be spread thither , his majesty was not willing to hazard himself so far as to venture thither . the court was troubled at the advices they received on the first of may , that the fishermen of fontarabia and those of andaye , had been lately engaged in a quarrel about the fishery of the river bidassoa , which separates the two kingdoms . they fought , and several men were killed on both sides ; but what concerned them the most , was , that the governour of fontarabia , instead of sending to part them , play'd the cannon upon the french , and demolished some houses in andaye : so that to prevent the consequences , which might perhaps have proved very dangerous , they commanded him to repair the houses that were battered , and give the french fishermen all the satisfaction they desired . our ambassador assured them , that he would write to his master , and acquaint him with what readiness and complaisance this affair was made up at court. the duke de medina celi offer'd to make the marquess de villa franca counsellor of state , provided he would quit his place of lieutenant general of the mediterranean , which the king had a mind to bestow upon prince alexander farnese : but he returned him this answer , that having reason to flatter himself , that he had discharged this office well , he could never be prevailed with to throw it up to another , as long as he was capable of doing the duties of it himself . the king's confessor was upon the point of being sent away about the beginning of may. the duke de medina celi designed that place for father bayona , confessor of the university of alcala ; for he imagined he might reckon upon him , and beside , the king had given his consent . they had a mind to bestow the bishoprick of plazencia upon father francis de relux , to have a favourable pretence to remove him : but he used all the interest and credit he had in the world to keep his old post , declaring , that he would refuse the bishoprick ; and that if the king turned him off , he would every where complain of the chief minister . although the duke de medina celi hated him heartily , because he was difficult of access , and having a great ascendant over the king , possess'd him with several scruples , in order to pursue his own particular views ; yet he was forced to let him alone . every one is of opinion , that the duke had done much more discreetly , not to have discovered his intentions agains● him , unless he had been in a capacity to put them in execution , because to shew an ill will , and not be able to effect our designs , only draws mor● enemies upon our heads , and exposes us to the contempt of all the world , which will be apt to conclude we only are too weak . but this was not all ; he left in the person of the confessor a man that was always with the king , and who was sure to oppose him in every thing ; but that was not the only thing he had reason to apprehend . the camarera mayor , and don ieronimo de eguya , still continued to possess the king's favours ; they had opportunity to discourse him a● often as they pleased , by vertue of their places , and neglected ●o occasions to advance and secure their own interest . this was a sort of a triumvirate , which might very well check the authority of the chief minister ; he very well saw what he was to ●ear from this quarter , and was extreamly concerned at it ; he had long a-go desired to remove de eguya , but he fixed himself every day more and more in the king 's good graces ; and the the death of don pedro fernandez del campo , left him in the intire possession of a place , which before he had only exercised by a commission . he likewise obtained a place of being a counsellor in the chamber of the indies ; and when the duke used all his endeavours to remove him from business , he perceived , that the king's inclination prevailed above all his attempts to the contrary ; for his majesty was perswaded , that de eguya was faithful and necessary to him . the dutchess de terra novo , as well as the confessor , confirmed him in this opinion : so that they rendred one another all good offices reciprocally ; and this was a sure and easie way to support themselves . ever since the night that the camarera moyor had received that chastisement from the queen , after a long consideration of the matter , she found , that if she continu'd to observe the same rigorous conduct towards that young princess , which she had hitherto used , she could never insinuate her self into her affections . besides this , she knew that the queen-mother utterly disapproved this sort of treatment , and that she had frequently spoke to the king her son about it ; that she had represented to him , that there was so vast a difference between the customs of france and those of spain , that there was a necessity to make some allowances , and not to perplex a young princess , whose age , as well as the sweetness of her temper , deserved another sort of usage . the camarera looked upon her self as undone , if she did not lay aside all her former severity ; and these considerations prevailed with her to assume a more engaging air , and to endeavour to relieve the queen in all her pensive moments , by discovering the king's humour to her , and the means to please him . whenever the king was vext , and out of humour , she seemed to spare no pains to sweeten him ; and the queen being of a frank , easie disposition , was immediately perswaded , that the dutchess had taken up a better temper , and even believed , that she did her all the services she could . but the rest of the world were of a different opinion from her majesty ; they knew well enough that this old bell-dame was rather inclined in her own nature , to throw oil into the fire , than endeavour to quench it ; and they alledged , as an indisputable proof of this , all the ill impressions she had made upon the king , in relation to the french ; nay , even the most inconsiderable things that came from france : for , as i signified before , the queen durst not play with the little dogs she had brought along with her , before the king ; and the two parrots were killed for no other reason but because they talked french : the king was out of humour as oft as any frenchman passed through the court of the palace , especially if the queen looked upon him , although it was through the windows and lattices of her chamber . as she was going one day to datocha , a poor fellow , who was a frenchman , came to her coach , and begged an alms of her ; the king was in so horrible a passion , that they were afraid he would have caused this unfortunate wretch to be killed immediately . the camarera officiously counsell'd the queen to order him to leave madrid without any delay ; but if the dutchess had not prejudiced the king after this manner , it is not to be imagined that the queen had been exposed to these injuries , which happened so often to her . this is so undeniable a truth , that one day when their majesties went into the city , two gentlemen belonging to the ambassador of holland , chancing to meet them , they stopt their coach , out of respect , and saluted them as they ought : they were on that side the queen happened to be of , and were apparelled after the french fashion . this immediately raised the camarera's passion , who commanded one of the guards to go and demand of them who they were , from whence they came , whither they were going , what business they had in madrid ? and when to this they answered , that they were both hollanders in the ambassador's retinue , she believed it to be a sham , or at least pretended to believe it , that she might give the king a fresh occasion to commend her care and zeal for him ▪ so that she sent to the ambassador himself to be better satisfied ; and when she was fully assured of the truth , she sent the two gentlemen word , that when they met their majesties , they should never be guilty of the presumption any more to go on the queen's side , to salute her , or look upon her . nevertheless , observing the queen to be concerned at this conduct , as soon as she was informed of it , she thought to efface all this out of her mind , by sending often to the french ambassador , and giving him to understand , that she was angry with him for coming so seldom to the palace , she used the same expressions to the ambassador's lady , and told her , that it would be the greatest joy , in the world to her to see them visit the young queen oftner , who perhaps was too melancholy in private , and would certainly find no small diversion to enjoy the company of persons of their merit , and who were of the same country with her . this did not make the marquess de villars alter his conduct in the least ; for he understood well enough what was the meaning of these fair speeches ; but as for his lady , there seldom passed a day but she went to wait upon the queen , either in the queen-mother's company , or all alone by her self ; but notwithstanding the assiduity of her visits , she seldom found an opportunity to entertain her in private : she was hindered from doing this , by the presence of the spanish ladies , who came to make their court ; or else by the king 's coming , who went every other moment from his own apartment to the queen's ; for 't is the custom there , that as soon as he appears , all the women that are in the chamber do immediately withdraw . without reckoning the pennance of this extraordinary solitude , the queen had other things to afflict her , and one was to find her self clearly destitute of money ; and this , considering the generosity of her heart , and her natural inclination to be liberal , was a very sensible mortification . she had lived there six months intire , without having any money to serve her for her lesser pleasure and she was forced to ●orrow a little , to buy a few things , she had a necessary occasion for , and to keep a few horses she had brought with her out of france , that were become altogether unserviceable to her , because she had no permission to ride them out at any time . she wanted money likewise to send back some of her women that could not comply with the customs of spain , and whom they could not consequently endure there . the few officers that she was allowed to bring with her , were all dismist , even to her chyrurgeon , who had bought the place , and performed the journey at his own expences . all of them departed ; and this consideration redoubled the young queen's afflictions , to see she was not mistriss enough to keep them any longer , or to do them those kindnesses she designed . on the th of may pistols a month were assigned her ▪ but this was in a manner less than nothing , because for six months together she had been forced to borrow money , and even out of this small sum she was obliged to lay aside pistols monthly for some alms and charity , which the queens of spain were accustomed to make . all this while no orders were given out about the currant money of the kingdom , nor was the price of victuals regulated ; a great want and scarcity reigned every where , and the publick miseries daily increased : it had not rained for six months together , and this very much contributed to inhance the price of corn : so that the people were reduced to the last extremities : nay , what is infinitely more surprising , they were not in a condition to pay the queen the money that was assigned to her , gold and silver being so scarce , that none of it was to be seen . the bishop of aquila being arrived at madrid , took possession of his place of president of castile ; and the first of his cares was to relieve and ease the people of their grievances to effect this , he made a strict examination into the most minute matters , and soon discovered , that the gross monopolies , and insatiable avarice of the magistrates , were partly the occasion of these horrid disorders . he came to be informed , that even the counsellors of the council royal , by some of their creatures , took their shares of the imposts that were laid upon victuals ; and that the same thing was done in the oil , chocolate , coals , and other provisions necessary for life : that the regidors and corregidors belonging to the town-hall , play'd most abominable cheats in the corn , and consequently advanced the price of bread , at least one half above its usual price . but he was sensible that he was not able to rectifie these abuses alone ; so he discoursed the duke de medina celi about the matter , whose encouragement and assistance he promised himself . nevertheless , whether the duke , were otherwise employed , or had no real intentions to change the form of the government , he did not answer the president 's desires , who perceiving that if he acted by himself , the hatred of all those persons , whom he should cause to be punished , would directly fall upon his own head , he was not willing to sacrifice himself for the publick good. he remembred that in the time of the regency , a certain bishop , who was president as he was , having endeavoured to suppress these abuses , had been poisoned by the magistrates . in the mean time every thing without exception continued to be as dear as formerly , and silver was so scarce a commodity , that one would have imagined it had been all melted down ; i once saw at a relation's house of mine the sum of almost three thousand crowns received in pieces of bellon and in ochavos * , which are a wretched sort of brass money , and for the greatest part had , and yet happy was the man who in this universal scarcity could get this money . however i am obliged to say this in honour of spain , that althô the finances were in that sad condition as i represented them before , yet the king paid all the pensions that were due to foreigners very exactly , because he looked upon himself obliged in honour to do it , and yet to confess a truth , some of these pensions were not inconsiderable . i knew a certain lady , to whom he gave eight thousand crowns , and they were constantly paid her in the most difficult times . the families that were ready to die of hunger , set themselves to rob and murder , being in a manner authorized in these disorders , by the little care that was taken to punish murderers as they deserved , and by the extraordinary partiality which the judges shew to the natives of the country . these families , i say , that were very numerous at madrid , assembled together in one of the least frequented quarters of the town , and resolved by main force to break open some of the magistrates houses , because they principally charged them with the disorders of the present affairs , and afterwards to plunder them in the face of the world , to serve for an example to others . but as this design was only formed by a mutinous rabble , who had never a head to lead them on , so it is not to be wondred if they did not push their wicked intentions any farther . in short , every man returned to his ordinary occupation , and none of them were called to an account for assembling after this tumultuous manner . behold now the effects which this sort of connivance and toleration always produces . the shoemakers being informed about the middle of may , that that the price of shoes was orderd to be regulated , presented a petition to the new president of castile , wherein with terms full of respect they represented their reasons against this regulation , making it appear , that they could not possibly lessen the price of shoes , as long as leather was sold so dear as it was . he sent them to the president of the chamber of the alcaldes ; so they formed themselves into a sort of a body , to meet him with the greater ceremony : but he being a man of a sour sullen humour , fell into a passion to see so great a number of them ; he threatned to imprison them , and told them , that if their power were equal to their ill intentions , they were to be feared , because they were neither better nor worse than down-right mutineers . they muttered a few words , and being at that time none of the strongest , went in a body to find out their companions and friends , and then immediately repaired to the court of the palace . they ran under the windows of the king's chamber , and , as it is the custom there when the people complain of the government , they cried out as loud as they were able , let the king live , and let the ill government die . as soon as the king perceived it , he came near the window , and was extreamly surprized to see so great a rabble got together , for by this tim● abundance of other people had joyned them . the king sent in great hast to find out the president of castile , who came amongst them , and promised them all the satisfaction imaginable : he moreover told them , they violated that respect they owed his majesty , in coming to demand justice of him with such clamours and tumults , and that if they would follow him home , he would presently content them . they very readily went along with him ; so he gave them a permission to sell their shoes at the same price as they did before the order was published . this made them return the joyfullest people in the world , but they happened to meet the president of the alcaldes in the way , who not knowing a syllable of what had past , and not at all considering that he had to do with an unruly mob , stopt them to vent his reproaches and menaces against them . but this procedure raised their indignation so high , that they drew out their swords with a design to kill him , and pursued him so fiercely , that never was any man under more terrible apprehensions . he had never escaped their hands , had not their fury so far transported them , that they took no notice how he saved himself through a little gate , which he took care to shut after him , but his fear was so great , that he fell dangerously ill upon it . after they had searched for him on all sides , to no purpose , they were going homewards , when they saw the president of castile coming that way ; they presently surrounded him , and swore they would not let him pass any farther , till he had signed the permission he had given them to sell their shoes at the ordinary price . he immediately did every thing they demanded of him ; so without any delay they took drums and trumpets to publish and affix this permission to all the publick places of the city . they suffered this first heat to pass over without opposition , but afterwards they arrested several of those whom they found the most seditious ; nevertheless they tarried but a short time in prison , and what deserved an exemplary chastisement , was punished like an inconsiderable trifle . it is indeed very true , that in order to humble the people , it was proposed to forbid all manner of tradesmen to carry swords about them , and to wear black silk cloathes with the golilia . 't was likewise designed that that this prohibition should extend to all those persons who had no titles , and were not able to keep a coach : however they durst not put it in execution , because they thought this regulation would be too difficult and severe to be practised . the vice-roy of naples was not a little afflicted at the loss of the money which the eight slaves had carried away with them . he was obliged to get more , but it was no easie matter to find it in a place , where they were burthen'd every day with imposts upon imposts . he received orders from madrid to let out the lands belonging to the king's demain at forty thousand crowns per annum ; but no body could be found to take them , although those persons , who had formerly taken them , enjoy'd them peaceably ; and this example one would have thought ought to have encouraged others to imitate them . the banditti of that country had ●or some time suspended all acts of hostility , out of hopes that his majesty would have given them a general indemnity upon the score of his marriage ; but when they perceived that their expectations were like to be frustrated , and that endeavours were used to apprehend their captain mattheo tango , who was just come from pirateering at sea , they met to the number of three thousand , pillaging and ravaging every thing they found in the country , and , what is strange , not a word was spoken of the horrible disorders they committed . the queen-mother who was every day at buen retiro , and searched all means to gain the affections of the people , gave three comedies , with musick between the acts , that were represented on a theatre in the placa mayor , that abundance of people might have the pleasure of seeing them without putting them to any expence . the comedians play'd for three days together , and the crowd was so great , that some people were killed . the city seemed to be very well pleased with these shews , for they love them more in spain than in any other part of the world ; and what helped to sustain the publick joy , was the mighty expectation they had of seeing a new face of affairs , under the ministry of the duke de medina-celi : they promised themselves to find an end of all their present grievances , without considering that although his intentions were never so good , it would be a difficult matter to redress them . he had don vincente gonzaga for his friend , who was very capable to advise him and furnish him with all necessary expedients to accomplish his designs , but the execution of them seemed to carry almost invincible difficulties along with it . there was a necessity to be severe , to disgust some , and punish others ; to remove several things that had been long established , to give ones self up entirely to business , and constant application , before these matters could ever be accomplished : but this was not the genius of the duke , and his natural sweetness and bounty suited but very ill with that steadiness and resolution that ought to be observed in these nice ran-counters . this gave him abundance of uneasie thoughts , so that don vincente , who still prest him to take up steady measures , and support them with vigour , had opportunity enough to discover his weakness . to deliver himself therefore from so rigid and severe a supervisor , the duke gave him the government ( as 't is called there ) of the council of the indies , upon condition that he himself should always be the president of it ; but as for the profits , one had as great a share as the other . and now don vincente thought of nothing more than discharging the duties of his new place , and it was not doubted but he would worthily exercise them ; for his judgment , his age , and his experience made him to be considered as one of the chief persons of the council . in the mean time several people of great merit and birth were displeased to see the duke confided in him no longer , they were in hopes that they would have joyned together to regulate the money . the good was diminished , as i said before , and the bad continued to go as freely as formerly it did . it was therefore resolved to suppress it for good and all in commerce , and an edict was published on the th . of may . by which the king suppressed all the copper money that had gone for several years , and people were ordered to bring it in within ten days to certain offices that were set up in all parts of madrid , where they were to receive bills of exchange for it , that were payable in six months . but they found a vast inconvenience in the execution of this project ; for in the two castiles they had sixteen millions of this money , part of which were mixed with good silver , and the other was notoriously bad . so that to draw these sixteen millions out of the hands of private persons , they found in the king's coffers a fund of only sixscore thousand crowns : however , this did not hinder the crying down of the money ; and as for those persons that had store of it , they were utterly undone . it is an easie matter to imagine what sad effects these new grievances drew upon the people , who were miserable enough in all conscience before , and who were forced to buy every thing at excessive rates . the ministers of the inquisition , with their trumpets , kettle-drums and banner marching before them , went on the th of may in a cavalcade , from the palace to the place major , where they ordered it to be published , that on the th of iune , they would publickly punish all those whom they had condemned to the fire and other torments . it was forty years a-go , since a thing of this nature had been seen ; and the sight was expected at madrid with as great an impatience , as if it had been the most agreeable festival in the world. don thomas de la cerda , brother to the duke de medina-celi , parted for cales , with so magnificent an equipage , that a prince of the blood could not have a finer . three men of war waited to carry him over to new spain , of which he was made vice-roy . they received advices at court , that the count de fuensalida , vice-roy of navar , had sent some troops to fontarabia , under the command of the duke de canzano . this conduct did not seem to agree with the orders they had sent him from this place , to give satisfaction to the french fishermen of andaye , who had been abused and injured . on the th of iune a bull feast was kept , at which the king and the queen , attended by all the court , made their appearance . this seemed an extraordinary fine show to the spaniards , because two of the combatants were killed upon the spot , and three cavaliers more were dangerously wounded . the queen was so concerned at it , that she found her self somewhat discomposed ; however , she took care not to discover it , for fear of disquieting the king. the count de gubernatis , envoy extraordinary of savoy , waited for his orders to depart , but he received a command to attend the marquess de dronero , who went ambassador extraordinary into portugal . so he tarried at court without any character . we were here informed , that the spanish captains , who were at naples , were not a little mortified at the prohibition that was issued out to forbid them to go drest after the french fashion . there is never a spaniard of 'em all that is not ravished with joy , as soon as he is out of his own country , to quit the habit of it also , and to ablige them to wear it again , nothing less will serve the turn but re-iterated edicts one upon the back of another . the execrable secret of preparing the most subtle poyson , that is so frequently practised in italy , has been used from time to time in the kingdom of naples . the regent galeota , who came back from gaeta , made a sad experiment of it , in a dose of physick , which dispatched him in a few hours after : the vice-roy of naples , who loved him dearly , exprest a mighty sorrow at his loss , and promised , that if ever he was able to discover the crime , he would make a notorious example of those that were concerned in it . on the th of iune there was kept at madrid an auto de inquisition ; that is to say , a general execution of the iews . the people ran thither in their best cloaths , and with as great an earnestness as if it had been to the most solemn show . a great scaffold was erected in the placa mayor , where from seven a clock in the morning till nine at night , nothing was to be seen but criminals of both sexes , that had been sent from all the inquisitions to madrid : their process was read aloud , and judgment was pronounced against them : twenty iews , as well men as women , and a renegado mahometan , were sentenced to be burnt : five more iews of both sexes , this being the first time they were apprehended , and now repenting of their errors , were condemned to a long imprisonment , and to wear a yellow scapulary , with a red st. andrew's cross upon it , which they call a sanbenito , as those that carry this habit are called sanbenitados . ten more accused of bigamy , witchcraft and sorcery , were sentenced to be whipt , and sent to the gallies : these wore past-board bonnets upon their heads , with inscriptions upon them , having a rope about their necks , and torches in their hands . all the court was present , the king , the two queens , the ladies , the ambassadors , the grandees , and a great multitude of people . the inquisitor's chair was placed after the manner of a tribunal , and was much above that of the king , and a great deal higher . these unfortunate people were persecuted so near the king , that he heard all their complaints and groans ; for the scaffold where they were ranged touched his balcony . the grandees of spain did the same thing here as our provost-marshal's men do in france , they conducted the criminals that were to be burnt , and held them tied fast with thick cords : the famillares ; that is to ●ay , the domestick officers of the holy inquisition , at the same time led the other offenders , and several of the religious , whether learned or ignorant , disputed vehemently with them , to convince these miserable creatures of the truth of our religion . some of the iews were very knowing in their own way of worship , and returned very surprizing answers to their disputants . amongst the rest , there was a young woman , of admirable beauty , who seemed not to be above seventeen years of age , and happening to be on the same side where the queen was , she addressed her self to her , to obtain favour at her hands : great queen , says she , cannot your royal presence bring some remedy to my misfortunes ? have pity on my youth , and consider that i am persecuted for a religion which i have sucked in with my mother's milk. the queen turned away her eyes , and appear'd to pity her case , but durst not make any intercession to have her saved . mass was now began , in the midst of which the priest that officiated , quitted the altar , and sate down upon a seat which was prepared for him ; then the inquisitor general descended from the amphitheater , drest in his cope , and having a mitre on his head ; and after he had bowed towards the altar , he advanced to the king's balcony , which he ascended by some steps that went round the scaffold , accompanied by some officers of the inquisition , who carried the cross , and the evangelists , and a book containing the oath , by which the kings of spain oblige themselves to protect the catholick fai●h , to extirpate heresies , and to support the procedures of the inquisition with their royal authority . the king stood up , with his head uncovered , and having the constable of castile on one side of him , who held the royal sword lifted up , swore to observe the oath , which a counsellor of the council royal read to him , and continued in this posture till such time as the inquisitor was returned to his place . then a secretary of the inquisition got up in a pulpit , and read the same oath , which he caused the councils , and all the assembly to take . it was about noon when mass began , and it was not over till nine a clock at night , by reason of the long sentences of the condemned persons , that were read aloud one after another . the constancy and resolution with which they went to the place of punishment , had something in it which was very extraordinary ; several of them cast themselves into the fire , others burnt their hands , and afterwards their feet in the flames , bearing their torments with a tranquillity which made them be lamented , that such resolute souls were not illuminated with the light of faith. as for my self , i did not go to behold this sad spectacle ; for besides that it was mid-night , and the place of execution was without the gate of fuencaral , i was so concerned at what i had seen in the day-time , that i found my self indisposed . the king could not avoid seeing this horrible sight , both because it was a religious affair , and because he is obliged to authorize by his presence whatever the inquisition does . we must not believe that these rigorous examples do in the least promote the conversion of the iews ; they are not at all concerned at it , and there are a considerable number of them in madrid , who are known to be such , and yet are quietly suffered to enjoy their employments in the finances . amongst these don aventura dionis was reckoned : his father gave seventy thousand crowns to be made a knight of st. iago ; and he himself a few days after this execution obtained of the king a marquess's title , which stood him in fifty thousand crowns . his uncle was one of the most famous iews of amsterdam : all this was known at court , but there was not the least notice taken of it ; and indeed the general receipts and farms are full of these people . when they are rich , the spaniards content themselves with affrighting them , that they may make them empty their purses to redeem their lives . by this means they draw prodigious sums of money from them , and provided they are in a condition to pay a good round sum , they make a shift to escape the fire , which they deserve as well as the rest . the duke de giovenazzo , who from being envoy at the court of savoy , was nominated to go ambassador to that of france , was ordered to return to turin . but the count de gubernatis , who at that time was under no character at madrid , and who was making prepatations for his journey to portugal , went to find out the chief minister , and represented to him , that the duke his master was so ill satisfied , to see that his ministers were not treated in spain with the same respect as they were in france , and especially because they did not pay him those great sums that were due to him , that he desired to see an envoy of spain no more at turin . the duke de medina celi answered him , that whatever treatment was paid his master in france ▪ ought not to be used as a consequence for the king of spain to do the like , who wa● so far above all other kings , that he had no example to follow . the count replied , that he had no mind at present to enter into an examination of their greatness , or the difference that might be between them ; but that he had not forgotten , that about twenty years ago philip iv. had declared , by the marquess de la fuente , that his ambassador should not appear at the ceremonies where those of france assisted ; and that this declaration was very well known , and accordingly regulated in all the court● of europe . the duke answered him , that he knew nothing of the matter , and that he could hardly believe the business was as he represented it . in the mean time , they made several reflections at court upon the proposals of the duke of savoy ; and don antonio de la cerda , who had been nominated to go to turin , was recalled home before he arrived there . nevertheless , they dispensed with themselves so far , as to send to compliment the duke , upon the alliance he was going to make with the infanta of portugal . this princess , as it was commonly pretended , was supposed to be poysoned ; and what made the world judge so , was , because one of her officers having carried some of the dishes from her table to his own house , his wife , and some others , after they had eat of them , found themselves extreamly ill , that they believed they should die , and had all of them marks of poyson about them . this accident occasioned a great bustle at lisbon ; the people mutinied , and wanting a● object for their fury to work upon , they desig●ed to pick a quarrel with the spanish envoy , a●though they had no reason for it , and he was just upon the point of suffering the greatest outrag●s imaginable . the portug●eses had afterwards a new occasion to grieve them , caused by the death of don duarte ribero , who was sent ambassador to savoy . he happened to die in the territories of spain , after so violent and sudden a manner , that all the world was astonished at it ; and this served to increase the suspicions they formerly entertained of the evil intentions of some persons , in relation to the infanta . a little time appeased all these clamours , and the count de gubernatis departed towards the end of iune to go for portugal . on the d of the same month , the marquess de grana , ambassador from the emperour , made his entry . all his retinue were ba●ely cloathed in gray , and his coaches had no gilding about them . most people were surprised at the sight ; and to say the truth , this was not the right way to please in madrid ; for there they shew them more or less respect , according to the expences they are at in these sorts of occasions . to this we may add , that the people there love fine shows above any thing in the world , and it being known , that the ambassador had received twenty five thousand crowns to defray the charges of his journey , and that he drew every year from the emperour and the king forty thousand crowns more , they were ready to throw stones at him , when they saw him make so scandalous an entry . don diego de bracamonte , ambassador of malta , was the reason why he made his entry no sooner . he was still of opinion , that they had not done him justice , when as he marquess de villars made his entry , but that as soon as ever he renewed his pretensions , he should have satisfaction given him . being under these expectations , he demanded that his chariot might march immediately after that of the last ambassador of the chappel ; the marquess de grana would by no means consent to it , alledging what had been formerly done by the ambassador of france , and so that example was followed . this small difference was scarce determined , when the marquess de grana had another contest with don geronimo d' eguya ; he would have had him make the first visit , as the other secretaries of state had always done before him . d' eguya excused himself , by pretending , that all the other ambassadors has come first to visit him , and that he lay under no obligations to make any particular distinctions for the sake of monsieur de grana . upon this , the other ambassadors taking notice what ill advantage he had made of the civility that shew'd him , unanimously declared , that they never pretended to make that visit , as if it had been a duty incumbent upon them ; so that d' eguya was not a little mortified at a declaration so contrary to his vanity and pretensions , and found himself now under an indispensable necessity to go first to the ambassador of germany . he carried till the court was gone to the escurial , and took his opportunity to go to his house on a certain day , when he knew he was not at home : but this did not satisfie the marquess , who said , he reckoned that visit for nothing , which he had not received : d' eguya answered , that he had acquitted himself of his duty ; and thus they did not see one another at all . the embassador extraordinary of malta made his entry , which tho' it made no magnificent appearance , was handsomly ordered . it was no small satisfaction to them at court to hear , that the flota for the indies , which they believed would scarce be in a condition to go this year , by reason that the great disorder of the currant money had not a little hindred all manner of commerce , had set sail out of the port of cales , and made a happy voyage with the brother of the duke de medina-celi , who went vice-roy to new spain : but to allay their joy , they were informed , that one of the greater vessels had struck against a rock in the middle of the bay , and received so much damage , that springing a leak on every side , they had not time enough to bring her off to any place where they might unload and repair her , so that she was lost with some of her passengers , and all her merchandize . the duke of medina-celi not being absolutely assured to continue chief minister long , thought it the best way to make all advantages of the present opportunity . he had nine daughters , but had only married two of them , and had a great mind to bestow the third upon the son of the constable colonna , who was newly returned to madrid from his his vice-royship of arragon , and had brought his children along with him . this appeared to be a very advantageous match for the duke's daughter , and therefore having it still in his eye , he shewed a particular respect to the marquess de los balbazez , who was brother-in-law to the constable . few persons penetrated at first into the true motive of the thing ; they thought he did it only to have a fit occasion to take his instructions , because he was capable of giving him the best : but the more understanding people soon discovered that the great desire he had to conclude this alliance , was the principal reason ; for at the bottom the marquess de los balbazes had more reputation at the time when his embassies and great negotiations kept him at a distance , than when he was at madrid . whether it proceeded from the envy the world bore him , or that his presence made them examine his faults more narrowly , it is certain that people had a better opinion of him when he was absent , than when they saw him before them . the good graces of the duke still contributed to draw more hatred and envy upon him , but they did not last long enough to make him suffer any thing upon that account . one of the greatest things they usually reproached balbazez with , was his excessive avarice which busied it self in the most inconsiderable matters , altho he was master of a plentiful fortune , and might have lived after another manner , without incommoding his estate in the least . he was a genoese , of the house of spinola ; his grandfather had formerly commanded the spanish army , and this was likewise a great captain ; but whether it were because he was a stranger , or for some other reason , the grandees of spain looked upon him as much inferiour to them , although he was a grandee as well as themselves , and was of illustrious birth . they despised him , because he made advantage of his money , after the manner of a banker , which is so seldom practised in spain by persons of quality , that they , cannot endure those that do it . his enemies pretended , that he had committed notorious oversights at the treaty of nimeguen , and that they daily beheld new inconveniences arise from his ill conduct there ; that this was the subject of perpetual quarrels between france and spain , because he had neglected to lay down in plain intelligible terms , what things were yielded up , and their dependances , and that every one made use of this obscurity to interpret it to their own advantage . it is certain , that what they alledged against the marquess de los balbazez , had foundation enough , but the constable of castile was the man that took the greatest pains to expose his miscarriages to the world. he had no kindness for him for iuan's sake , whose favourite he had always been , and for which reason the marquess declared against the queen . this was the true cause of the aversion that was between the constable and him , and it increased very much on the side of the former , when he saw what a respect and esteem the duke de medina celi testified for the other . he needed no more than this to revive the old grudge he had against the chief minister , and it proceeded so far , that he incessantly heighten'd the complaints that came from all parts , under the dominion of the king of spain , against the duke . it must be allowed , that the constable was one of the most dexterous prudent men of his age , and that his rank and great abilities gave him vast advantages over the rest ; so that whenever he gave his advice , few people were found so hardy as to oppose him . the duke was sensible , that he directly thwarted him upon all occasions : this together with his other affairs , made him extreamly uneasie , to find himself perpetually engaged in a troublesome combat , and to dispute against a man , who , as we may say , took a pleasure in chasing himself , and who searched all occasions to perplex and disgust him . therefore in this affair the duke took the mildest course ; he courted the constable's friendship , and made all advances towards it : he knew that he was fall'n ill , and that though he was not in a condition to go to the council , he was not so much indisposed , but that he might his have advice , in case it were demanded . he sent constantly to the constable's house to consult him upon all important occasions , and this mark of distinction flatter'd his vanity so agreeably , that he found himself mightily obliged to the duke . he wanted very little of pretending to be always sick for the time to come , as long as the duke continued to give him so evident a proof of deference : however , 't is very certain , that although he was as well as ever , he would not stir abroad for a long time , only to prolong a thing which filled him with so much pleasure and satisfaction . he received another obligation from the duke , which made no less an impression upon him ; a considerable benefice happening to be vacant , he bestow'd it immediately upon one of his natural sons , without the constable's ever demanding it . so many unexpected favours perfectly overcame him , and made him desirous to do something on his side ; so he proposed to submit to a reference , in order to accommodate the business of the duke cardonne's succession . the constable had espoused his widow , and the duke his daughter : these two ladies had great pretensions , and as great differences ; therefore they thought it the best way to determine them by the mutual consent of both parties : the duke was sensible , that the constable , who naturally loved long tedious law-suits , shew'd a great deal of complaisance in this matter , and indeed the constable was of opinion , that it would be better to put an end to this affair , than be engaged in an everlasting contest with the chief minister . this chief minister often assisted the king , and denied , audience to no body ; but neither did his endeavours or audiences produce any advantageous effects for the publick interest , and the smallest affairs were as difficult for him to determine as the greatest . the marquess de grana knew so well before hand what he was to expect upon this score , that he could not be brought to accept the embassy for spain , till he received express orders from the emperour , although for his farther encouragement , he had several relations and friends at madrid , and that besides his having resided there formerly , th● consideration of those favours he might reasonably expect for his master's sake , ought to have overcome the unwillingness he expressed to come to this court. it is true , what served to increase it very much , was the secret advantage which he thought his enemies , and those that envied him , might have upon him , during his absence from vienna ? but for all this he found he had reason enough to be content with the manner of his usage , the king allow'd him a double franchise , and paid all the charges of his house at his arrival : the two queens honoured the marchioness de grana , and her daughters , with several presents ; they favoured him in every thing , yet nevertheless he could not forbear to say proudly , that he hoped he should not tarry there above a year , and that it should not be his fault , if he did not depart sooner . he was a fine gentleman , had abundance of wit , penetration and conduct ; but he was of a prodigious bigness , and found himself mightily incommoded by it : he sometimes could not help changing his countenance , when he happen'd to be in company with people whom he was not well acquainted with , when they looked stedfastly upon him . the court of spain had such favourable inclinations for him , that they readily granted him whatever he desired ; but they could not forbear now and then to promise him some things which they never performed , and he himself was sensible that they never would . he was frequently vexed upon these occasions , saying , that it was his misfortune not to know what he might depend upon : he was concerned at the misery to which all sorts of people were reduced at madrid , and i have heard him frequently say , that whatever idea's a man might form to himself of the publick grievances , yet they infinitely fell short of what they really were , when he came to see them , and that for his part , he could not imagine what remedies they could apply to them . it is indeed true , that funds were wanting for the most necessary . exigencies , and that they were forced to borrow five thousand pistols for the subsistence of some troops that they thought convenient to send to italy , and the frontiers of biscay , by reason of the apprehensions they had at court of the designs of our king. i have heard it often said , that the couriers could not go , for want of money to defray the expences of their journey , although they had affairs of great consequence to dispatch ; and the marquess de los balbazez , who knew this better than any body , represented to the duke de medina celi , that there was a perfect necessity to take full cognizance of the funds , upon which they might depend for the time to come . the duke relishing this proposal , ordered a true scheme of the king's revenues to be brought before him : but the president of the finances , and some others , after they had deliberated , as their fashion was , upon the matter , that is , with a regard only to their own proper interests , answered all with one consent , that what he demanded of them was the work of several years . this answer was sufficient to make him abandon the undertaking ; for the duke never cared to engage himself in any business that was of long continuance ; nay , he had scarce resolution enough to go through those things which he was obliged suddenly to begin , and as soon to finish . one of the best examples i can produce to justifie this , is his leaving the camarera major , don geronimo de eguya , and the confessor , quietly to enjoy their places , without endeavouring to remove them , whether it were because he despised them , or that he imagined them to be too powerful to attempt any thing against them . the weakness which he shew'd in that rancounter , served only to increase their courage and haughtiness ; and they went so far at last , as not to fear him at all : they possessed the king with a strong aversion to him , and insinuated several things into him that were quite opposite to the duke's intentions . he was well enough sensible of it , but his natural insensibility hindered him from resenting it : his gentleness rend'red him contemptible both to one and the other , but particularly to the dutchess de terra nova , who spoke often to the king about him , and explained her self upon her constant chapter , the duke , in such bitter language , that he being informed of it , as he certainly was , every body had reason to wonder how he was able to endure it . this ill-natur'd old beldame had only a seeming , and not a real kindness for the young queen , and it lasted so short a time , that her usage served only to make the queen sensible , that she knew how to moderate her self well enough , when she saw it was necessary for her interest so to do . but as this was indeed a true constraint upon her nature , and she could not counterfeit the least sweetness of temper , without a great reluctance , so she soon re-assumed her proper c●●racter , and her persecutions became more frequent than ever . the queen , utterly impatient of this rigorous deportment , charmed the king one day , by all manner of tender engaging caresses , till she found him in a humour to deny her nothing . after some time had past , she told him , that if she was dear to him , she conjured him to give her some testimony of it , that was as well necessary for her health , as the satisfaction of her mind . he promised to consent to whatever she desired . why then , saith she , deliver me from the tyranny of the dutchess de terra nova . this demand surprised him , and it was a pretty while before he returned her any answer ; but knowing that this had disquieted her a long time , he told her at last , that what she requested had never any president , and that no queen had ever changed her camarera major . ah , sir , replied the queen , your majesty has shew'n me several favours for which none of your predecessors have left any example ; and cannot you then condescend to grant me this ? i consent to it , says the king , taking her by the hand , i consent to it ; but then , madam , have a care upon whom you cast your eyes ; for after this first choice it will be impossible for you to make another . the queen testified her joy and acknowledgment , by thanks proportionable to the pleasure she received . the first journey she made , was to acquaint the queen-mother with the news , not at all questioning , but that she would almost shew as much joy upon this occasion as her self . but she was not a little surprised to find her so reserved and cold , as if the matter were absolutely indifferent to her . this mightily perplexed her , and so she discovered the whole affair to the french ambassador's lady , who took pains to put her in heart again , by making her sensible , that the queen-mother was only apprehensive of seeing this place filled by some other lady , who might perhaps be full as disagreeable to her as the dutchess de terra nova was , and that she was of opinion , that if she proposed some body to her , whom she liked , she would open her self more clearly to her . the young queen replied , that she would do nothing in this business , without the advice of the queen her mother in law ; that she was minded to have said as much to her , when she first discoursed her about it , but that she seemed to be so indifferent in the matter , that she had not confidence enough to explain her self farther . the queen judged it would be expedient to acquaint the duke de medina celi with this affair , for fear , least if she made a mystery of it , and he should afterwards happen to discover it , he might look upon himself to be disobliged , and resent it so much , as to endeavour to hinder the accomplishment of it : but she still lay under some perplexities , because she fancied she did not understand the spanish language well enough , to be able to hold any long conversation in it with the duke , and this was a nice case , wherein she ought to explain her self clearly and intelligibly . she was yet more afraid , that the camarera , who was always a listening in all parts of her apartment , and who sometimes slipt into corners , where , without being perceived , she understood and saw everything that past , would go and discover what she said concerning her . these reasons prevailed with her to charge one of her women , in whom she reposed a great confidence , to go to don antonio de la cerda , who was a near relation of the duke de medina celi , and who besides expressed a great zeal for her majesty , and desire him to acquaint the chief minister with what had happened , and to tell him , that since the queen was resolved to remove her camarera , she desired him to chuse for her one of his friends , of whose fidelity he was assured ; and that it was necessary for him to assist her in this affair , to the end , that acting in consort one with another , the business might succeed to their common satisfaction . the duke received the honour the queen did him , with a great deal of respect and acknowledgement , and sent his dutchess that very evening to return her his most humble thanks . when she came to the queen's apartment , she carried till the other ladies were gone out of the room , that she might have a better opportunity of making her compliment . the queen , who knew very well , that the dutchess was sensible enough of the favourable condescensions she had made on her side , was desirous to bestow the place upon her ; but the affair did not succeed as she imagined , because that lady had too much business upon her hands to accept the offer . i have designed it for you , says the queen , and i am of opinion , that you will not be unwilling to serve me . the dutchess thanked her , as in duty obliged , and told her , she could wish with all her heart that she was in a condition to accept this honour , and that no body in the world should serve her majesty more faithfully than she would ; but her health was so ill , that it would not permit her to render her those services in which that place , as well as her own inclinations , would engage her . but the queen continuing to press her still , she told her , that although this consideration was laid aside , yet she had another of equal importance , which she could never dispence with , that she had seven daughters , upon whose education and good conduct all her cares were bestow'd ; and therefore she requested her majesty to think of her no more : however , she durst assure her , she believed the marchioness de los velez , to be the most proper person to execute this place ; that she was a lady of great merit , and illustrious birth ; that she had formerly been governante to the young king , and consequently being so well known to his majesty , could more dexterously humour and please him than any one besides . the queen very well approved of this advice , and the dutchess afterwards withdrew . she gave her husband an account of what conversation had passed between her and the queen ; but he was displeased to hear that she had recommended the marchioness de los velez , because he had already engaged himself in behalf of the dutchess de albuquerque , and earnestly desired to see her advanced to this post. the confidence which the king reposed in de eguya , would not permit him to conceal from him the promise he made the queen to remove the camarera . he for hi● part omitted nothing that might turn off the intended blow ; but he found the king was so fully resolved to satisfie the queen , that he perceived it would be to no purpose to use any importunities with him upon this score : so all he could do in the matter , was only to acquaint the camarera with what was designed against her , that so she might be the better provided to bear the shock when it happened . she had some suspicions of this before , it being her principal talent to penetrate into the most secret affairs . this blow sensibly afflicted her , and she could not forbear to speak to the queen about it . madam , says she , i should reckon my self extreamly unfortunate , if my zeal for your majesty should ever ' happen to displease you : i have spoken to you with more zeal , and perhaps with more freedom than any one has done ; nevertheless , my design was only to inspire you with a desire of learning all our fashions , that so you might absolutely possess the heart and good inclinations of the king : the liberty i took has appeared too assuming ; i have drawn your displeasure upon my self , by endeavouring to deserve your affection ; and i am informed at last , that your majesty desires to see my place filled by another . the queen ; surprised to see that the affair she had communicated to so few persons , had taken air , answered coldly , it is not worth the while , madam , to trouble your self about what people say ; few persons know my thoughts ; and 't is a thing usually practised in courts , to invent news , and then to relate it as if it were true . the camarera was not able to draw any discoveries from this conversation ; but whether her conscience reproached her for the conduct she had used , or else she had been informed of the queen's designs before de eguya spoke to her about them ; it was some time a-go since she suspected that she was to be removed , and upon that consideration , having examined all the ladies of the court , who gave her the greatest jealousie , she found three , viz. the marchioness de los velez , the dutchess de albuquerque , and the dutchess de l' infantado . this is the cause that she took her measures a long time before , and spoke of these three ladies in very disobliging terms before the queen , whenever an occasion presented it self . she accused the marchioness de los velez for her haughtiness in all her actions , and for her insupportable severity . she pretended , that the dutchess de albuquerque hated all the french so mortally , that when she happen'd to meet any of that nation , she turned her eyes aside , that she might not behold them ; and that she valued her self so mightily upon the score of her high birth and vertue , that she had always something or other to say against all the world : and then as for the dutchess de l' infantado , she represented her as an old doting woman , who at the best had never any great share of wit , and had now totally lost it , by reason of her great age. she was not content to speak of them after this manner , but engaged all the french women , who were near the queen , to insinuate the same opinion into her , and they acquitted themselves in the matter as well as they could , out of hopes , that if the dutchess continued in her post still , she would take care to consider them for their good services . what they said to the queen upon this occasion , made but a small impression upon her mind ; and the first time she could find an opportunity to discourse the queen-mother about it , she acquainted her with her designs in favour of the marchioness de los velez ; but she expressed as great an indifference at this motion as she did at first . this gave the queen no small affliction ; so she imagined , that she ought to inform her of every thing that was laid to the dutchess nova's charge , as well upon the affair of don carlos of arragon , whom she caused to be assassinated , as several other things that rendered her odious . after this , she added the particulars of the deportment she had used towards her . but the queen-mother pretended , as if all this were news to her , and still continued to speak very kindly of the camarera ; not that she had the least kindness for her in reality ; for she had not forgotten how deeply she had been engaged in the interests of don iuan ; and she had not as yet forgiven the memory of that prince for the troubles he brought upon her . the reason of her using this conduct with the queen , was only to exclude the marchioness de los velez , and the dutchess de l' infantado , whom she did not greatly care for . she thought with her self , that if she desired to oblige the queen to take a camarera from her hands , it would he necessary for her to testifie no aversion for her that was to fill that place , and that the queen being desirous to be seconded by her , would demand of her whom she pitched upon , and so take a person of her own chusing . the young queen was aware of her mother-in-law's designs : however , she pretended to know nothing of them , supposing that such a one would be always obliged to do as the queen-mother directed her ; having therefore a particular inclination for the marchioness de los velez , she was resolved to sound the king's sentiments upon that affair , and proposed her to him ; but he exprest an extraordinary antipathy to her : if , says he , you knew the marchioness de los velez as well as i do , i am confident you would never think of placing her so near you ; she has been my governante , and is the only person in the world whom i dread most . the duke de medina celi desired no more to see her in that station than the king did , and shew'd as great a dislike to the dutchess de l' infantado ; all their votes concurr'd in behalf of the dutchess de albuquerque , and it was agreed upon at last , to perswade the queen that she ought to chuse her . this choice had infallibly succeeded , if the queen could have cured her self of those disagreeable impressions which the camarera had made upon her in relation to that dutchess ; she often thought of the imperious humour that was attributed to her , of the pretended aversion she had to the french , but especially of what the king had told her , that when once the dutchess de terra nova was removed , and another put into her place , she must never think of turning her off . she was perswaded , that she should be no gainer by the change , if she pitched upon the dutchess de albuquerque : nay , that it might so happen to her , as to be a considerable loser by it . this imagination hindered her from pushing this affair any farther ; and she thought it would be much better to carry a little , till she could find out some other lady , who might be altogether agreeable to her . in effect , as she was searching after one , she was told of the marchioness de eytona , who was a woman of solid vertue , great merit , and had abundance of wit and gallantry . in fine , she was every way so well accomplished , that it was necessary for her majesty to have her near her ; and by the relations she had at the queen-mother's court , and with the chief minister , she could not chuse but please both parties alike . the king shew'd no opposition to her , and the queen who knew her , loved her already ; so that she was mighty joyful to meet with one whom she liked so well . but this joy did not continue long ; for the marchioness de eytona fell sick , and died a few days after . the young queen was sensibly afflicted at this loss , and not knowing where to make a better choice , she came back again to the marchioness de los velez , because she comprehended no difference between the dutchess de terra nova and the dutchess de albuquerque ; and as for the dutchess de l' infantado , ●he perceived well enough that she was not fit for her . but now to propose the marchioness de los velez , was to attempt a thing that could never succeed , for the reasons i have already mentioned . the marchioness , who perceived them better than any body , could not endure to be so long exposed to an exclusion that was so very disobliging to her ; so she went to find out the queen , and returned her thanks for her great favours ; but she told her , that her age , and the trouble she had had with the king , when she was governante to him , gave her so great a disrelish for the court , that she could by means reconcile her self to it , and therefore desired her to think of her no more . all these difficulties seemed to arise for the satisfaction of the dutchess de terra nova , or at least , they proved the occasion why she continued still in her place ; and that the queen , utterly wearied to find so many disappointments in her way , was come to such a pass ; that she was no longer desirous to remove her . the queen-mother all the while intrigued more than she , because she earnestly desired to have that lady turned out of the palace . what still contributed to make the young queen less concerned for the matter , was , that her mind was taken up with new troubles , that were more pressing upon her than those she received from the camarera ; i mean , the apprehensions they had at court of a rupture between the two crowns . the queen remained inconsolable , when she considered , that the peace of nimeguen , of which she was , as it were , the seal , was going to be broken . the love she had for france , and the obligations that fastened her to spain , ballanced all her inclina●ions ; and she often shed tears , out of a fear only of seeing the war renewed . the most christian king pretended , that the spaniards had pillaged and abused his subjects in several places , and either burnt or taken many french vessels ; that they returned him no answer at madrid , to the complaints he had made ; that the marquess de borgomaine , who resided at london , in quality of ambassador extraordinary from the king of spain , observed no manner of measures ; nay , not even those that decency prescribes ; that he had made a league in the name of the king his master , with the king of england against france ; that he was well informed , that as he was upon his departure to go ambassador to vienna , he had received private orders to stay some time in holland , to try if he could perswade the hollanders to do the most prejudicial things they could to france . the king , provoked at so clandestine a conduct , and so extraordinary in the midst of a peace , which he had not infringed the least on his part , was resolved to act according to his usual justice and equity ; and finding himself possess'd with these resentments , he had nothing to incline him to believe , that he was obliged to part with any of his rights . he ordered his gallies to put to sea , with an express command to make those of spain give them the first gun whenever they met them . he knew that this affair had been regulated at the same time when philip iv. had agreed , that his ambassadors should never appear in publick with those of france ; and he made the duke de medina celi be acquainted , that the conduct he used during the peace , was so opposite to peace it self , that he saw himself obliged to seek out all advantages on his side , as he found it expedient . the king of spain , for his part , complained of the exact severity that was show'n him in the smallest matters , alledging , that when the commissioners of the most christian king were to have adjusted with those that came from spain , the limits of what had been yielded up by the treaty of nimeguen , the french had refused to treat with the deputies ●f spain , as long as the catholick king should take upon him the quality of the duke of burgundy : they added a declaration to this refusal , that if within a certain time assigned , they did not treat , by vertue of another commission , where this title was not inserted , they would immediately put the king of france in possession of the territories and rights which belonged to him . so that the king of spain was content to cut off the titles he usually assumes , with an &c. this league , about which the marquess de borgomaine made such a bustle and stir in england , was at last concluded with spain . it was a mutual engagement on both sides , whereby they obliged themselves to defend one another , in what place soever they should happen to be attacked . for this end england was to furnish eight thousand foot , and thirty men of war ; and spain was obliged to send an hundred thousand crowns every month into flanders , to keep the garisons there in a good condition , and have twelve thousand men in pay in champagne . they were in good hopes , that the emperour and the hollander would likewise enter into the league . don pedro ronquillo , ambassador extraordinary of spain , in england , sent a courier , with a ratification of the treaty , which was received at madrid on the th of iune , . most people were very well satisfied , when they saw the several motions on both sides , that the war would infallibly be kindled somewhere or other in flanders . the duke de villa hermosa had demanded to be recalled home , and that another governour might be sent to supply his place . the unconcerned temper , as well as the natural slowness of the spaniards , held the matter a considerable time in suspence , without giving themselves the trouble to determine it . the marquess de los balbazez , was first pitched upon to be sent thither : but as soon as he received advice of it , he endeavoured all he could to get himself excused , out of an apprehension that they would engage him at the same time to contract vast debts , to which his thrifty humour gave him an invincible aversion . besides this , they found it a difficult matter to meet with any subject who was to their mind : the report ran , that the duke of lorrain would go to command there in chief ; afterwards it was said , the duke of newburg would be the man , for whom the marquess de grana did several good offices . after they had deliberated a long time about the merits of these two competitors , at last they cast ●heir eyes upon prince alexander farnese ; he obtained the preference , and was named a●out the beginning of iuly . he was brother to the duke of parma , and was about threescore year old ; the gou● very much troubled him , and the tallness of his stature was very extraordinary : he had been a long time devoted to spain , and particularly to the queen-mother , at the juncture when she had those great differences with don iuan : he had been general of the cavalry in estramadura and catalonia , and passed for a very great souldier , although 't is certain he had but very little experience , and the management of his private affairs sufficiently demonstrated it ; for he ow'd every body money , paid seldom , and had not a farthing by him : his profuseness and his mistresses ruined him ; and although , after all , he had really a great estate , yet it was miserably incumbred . it was the general opinion here , that if the war commenced , flanders would be the first victim ; and this made them believe , that it would be less ignominious for spain to suffer this loss , when an italian was governour of the low-countries , than if a spaniard were there . in short , it could be nothing else but this consideration only , that could possibly induce them to believe they did well to fill this post with a man , who never had managed as yet any affair of that vast importance as these were . they bargained with don francisco de castile , for the sum of three hundred thousand crowns , which was to be remitted to brussels , for the payment of the troops : and after prince alexander had received the thirty thousand crowns which the king ordered to be given him , to bear the expence of his voyage , he parted on the th of iuly , to go and take shipping at the groyne in galicia . he took along with him abundance of voluntiers , and a numerous train of domesticks : he sent a courier into france , to get necessary pasports , and left the court in such haste , that he forgot to carry with him the patent for his government . it was not very long before he heartily repented for so doing , and he prest earnestly to have it : however , they promised him one , but d●ferr'd to expedite it ; so that he could only be said to be governour for the interim ; and it was believed , with reason enough , that he would not be well pleased with this usage . he had intrusted some persons at madrid to sollicite this affair for him ; but they refused the expeditions , when the court would oblige them to take them in such a form , and after many petitions on their side , and several contests with the ministers about it , it was not at last inserted into the patent after what manner he was made governour . in the mean-time the prince departed from madrid with so little money , according to his usual custom , that he was scarce arrived at the groyne , but he dispatch'd a courier away to the court with some letters , wherein he demanded money to perform his voyage . they answered him very coldly , that they would advise him not to defer the day of his departure , and that they could by no means believe , that he had already spent his thirty thousand crowns . he embarked immediately , accompanied by some vessels belonging to biscay , which transported five hundred new raised men , that had been levied in galicia , and were commanded to guard the frontiers . the people in flanders had not for many years seen any other governour but don iuan ; he possessed the government as his own till his death ; and although he was at so great a distance , yet couriers were still dispatched to him , to receive his orders , even in th● most important conjunctures . to say the truth , the constable of castile had been sent thither , as i have already observed in the beginning of these memoirs , in the place of that prince ; and he obtained a general patent , without specifying in it , that it was only by a commission ; but the queen-mother would have it so , on purpose to disgust don iuan. the pressing necessity there was for money in flanders , obliged the duke de medina celi to search with all imaginable application some means or other to furnish them with some ; and he tried several without meeting any success . don francisco de castile immediately promis'd to remit thirty thousand crowns thither , and afterwards engaged to make a return of eighteen hundred thousand florins more ; upon which consideration they were to give him two hundred thousand crowns in hand , and to pay him the rest at different times upon assignations , which in all probability would never have been paid to him . he questioning it very much , was not willing to be their fool , and resolved to send no money to brussels , but accordingly as he received it at madrid . they failed to perform the promise they had made him , to pay him two hundred thousand crowns down upon the nail ; 〈◊〉 he● , for his part , failed them in the 〈◊〉 . now how was it possible to draw such 〈◊〉 sum as this out of the king's treasury , ●hen it was totally exhausted ? the inferi●ur officers of his house having tarried for ●heir wages longer than they could well do , except they reduced themselves to down-right-beggary , would have thrown up their live ries , being resolved to quit the service , unless they had been partly detained by menaces , and partly by fair promises to see them paid , if they continued in it still . as for people of quality , they could not tell what to do : after they had pawn'd their jewels , their plate , nay , even their canopies of state , and their wearing apparel , they found they had now no more money or credit left . the bankers were not in a better condition , and the merchants had neither merchandize nor money . the inconvenience of proclaiming money , to go at a lower price , was sensibly perceived every day more and more , and the publick misery still increased . a man cannot sufficiently wonder that things of so great a consequence were managed with so little consideration : nay , matters were come to that pass , that in several provinces they were forced to exchange cattle for corn , and cloath for linnen , because there was not money enough to circulate in the way of trade . heaven pitied the great afflictions of those people , and favoured them with a plentiful year ; but the price of bread was not in the least diminished , either through the negligence or villany of the magistrates , who were so far from encouraging the corn to be brought into the great cities , that they under-hand hindered it from being carried to those places . the queen-mother's houshold began to find in their turn , the effects of these disorders ; she had been hitherto very well paid , and her domesticks received their racions , that is to say , their allowances , either in money or provisions ; and now when they prest the treasurers to take care they might have them , they were told , that they might go and visit the chests of the treasury , if they pleased , which at present were all open , because they had no money within . so many particular , as well as private calamities , were yet increased by the ravage and desolation the plague made in andaluzia . it is not long ago since it was altogether uninhabited along the sea coasts from malaga to alicant . the kingdom of granada was not free from this pestilence , which spread it self about sevil and corduba , and in estramadura . it was immediately perceived at port st. mary , but they would not take any publick notice of it , till after the departure of the flota for the indies , for fear of spoiling commerce . if it had not been for this consideration , it had been visibly perceived much sooner . the difficulties still increased , as to the business of trade , and people were apprehensive that their letters , commodities and goods carried the infection with them . it is natural enough for men to use all necessary precaution against so dangerous a distemper as this was . i have already observed , that the duke de medina celi would have fain engaged the king to part with his confessor , but that finding so many difficulties appear in the way , he desisted from his design : but father francis de relux had not , for his part , forgotten the ill offices that the duke endeavoured to do him . he dissembled his resentments , because he was not as yet so well settled in the king 's good inclinations , as to venture to cope with the chief minister . but as soon as he found himself upon sure grounds , he spoke to de eguya , and the dutchess de terra nova , to interest them in his quarrel , out of a desire he had to make the duke sensible of the effects of his power . the old dutchess was not ignorant , that the duke hated her , and that he passionately desired to see another in her place : this inspired her with a mortal aversion to him ; and so these three persons being always united , raised a considerable faction against him : but that of the confessor was carried on more secretly , and consequently was more dangerous . it often happens , that a man pursues his revenge freely , when he may safely do it under the pretence of devotion ; and this was the case of father de relux ; for he incessantly attacked the king in his most tender part , his conscience . he represented to him the misery of his people , the extremity of the state , the disorder and miscarriages , which were so far from being remedied , that they were openly encouraged ; that no grievances were redrest , that every thing came to ruine ; that if his majesty was sensible that he had not power and experience enough to regulate affairs of himself , and to take the reins of the government into his own hands , he ought at least , to intrust them with a minister , who would give him an honest and faithful account of his employment : that the debate was not now about a trivial matter , but that his everlasting salvation lay at stake ; that god , who makes and preserves kings in their sovereign authority , expects that kings should perform their duties ; that they are obliged to cherish their subjects as their children , and to make them happy as far as it lies in their power ; that the duke de medina celi only regarded his own private interests , and minded nothing but his family , which was very numerous , and the advancing of his relations , whilst the rest of spain groaned under the heavy weight of subsidies , imposts , and a thousand other vexations , which were purposely raised to exhaust them ; that he was obliged in conscience to inform him , that unless he vigorously endeavoured to apply proper remedies to these evils , it was his duty to deny him absolution . the king , who continued for some time astonished at these menaces , demanded of him , whether he did not speak all these afflicting things only to try him , the other answered , that he was so far from entertaining any such thoughts , that were so little conformable to the respect he owed him , that he would willingly have sacrificed his own life , to have been exempted from the cruel necessity of speaking to him after so frank a manner . the king was very pensive , and spent several days in consulting himself , without knowing what to resolve upon : he loved the duke de medina celi exceedingly , and at last sent for him to come to him . so having shut him up with himself in his closet , he fairly acquainted him with the occasion of his uneasiness , and with his apprehensions in relation to his salvation : he recounted to him every thing that past between his confessor and him , and how he refused to absolve him , because of the general disorder of affairs ; and at last told the duke , he had now sent for him to comfort him with good reasons . the chief minister listned very respectfully to him all the while , and would not suffer himself to be transported with any passion against the confessor's severity , for fear the king should suspect the true motives of that heat . on the contrary he agreed , that he was indeed a man of sincerity , and that his advices seemed to proceed from a good intent : but then he added , that he was a monk , and had no manner of experience in the world : that don iuan had drawn him out of a convent , where he lay buried ; that he never had any conversation but with monks , like himself ; that he was dazled with the post , to which , by the favour of don iuan he had been elevated all on the sudden ; that his head was giddy , and that he knew not how to make any difference between things and times , although this was an article absolutely necessary in the conduct of souls ; that he placed the king's soul in a parallel with that of a private man ; that he agreed indeed , that in the sight of god one were as valuable as the other , and that all the difference that was to be found between them , proceeded only from the diversity of their works ; but then every man had a particular way to save himself , that a prince ought to live like a prince , and a private man like a private man , and so after the same manner , a secular like a secular , and a religious like a religious ; that father relux , whose capacity was very narrow , confounded all estates , and even lost himself in this chaos ; that his majesty ought not to be disturbed at what he had told him , and especially least of all in the present affairs , because he assured him , for his part , that he would not lose a moment to set them in the best order imaginable ; that in truth , it was necessary to allow some time for the performance of this ; that let a man's zeal be never so earnest for the publick good , yet he cannot effect it immediately , since it is full as difficult a matter to remedy grievances , as 't is easie to desire the removal of them ; but that since the confessor had troubled himself with several things , which did not at all belong to him , if the king would be pleased to take his advice , he would provide him with one , who was more capable of the post than f. relux , and would never torment him with impertinent scruples . the duke found it an easie matter to perswade his majesty to embrace a t●●ng that would set his conscience at rest ; and the king had consented that very moment to the removal of the confessor , if he had not judged it necessary to take the advice of don geronimo de eguya , and so he told the duke , that he would make a few reflections as was requisite , upon the matter . de eguya coming to wait upon the king , he communicated his designs to him . after the strict union that was between this favourite , the dutchess de terra nova , and father relux , there was little probability that he would consent to his removal , but as he preferr'd his own interests to those of other persons , and only served others out of a respect to his own advantage : so he found , that the confessor was so devoted to the camarera major , and that she so resolutely swore the down-fall of the duke , that if this combination continued much longer , the duke would infallibly fall under the weight of it : that his successor might perhaps have less favourable dispositions towards him , and that he had better sacrifice the confessor to the minister , than the minister to the confessor . these reasons appeared so well-grounded , that instead of inspiring other sentiments into the king , he fortified those he had already , and this was enough to ruine the father confessor to all intents and purposes . they offered him , as they did before , the bishoprick of avila , in order to observe some sort of decency in removing him ; but he would not accept of it , and was content to contin●e a counsellor in the supreme council of the inquisition , where they are always obliged to have a dominican . the duke de medina celi perswaded the king to take in his place father bayona , a dominican , professor of the university of alcala : he had expressed a great desire long before to see him placed in this station , and had spoke of him ever since the ministry of don iuan. that prince , who had no kindness for him , would never admit him , saying , that he was a frenchman . he was indeed a native of navar , but that was the spanish navar : he entred into this function towards the end of iuly . 't is very observable , that in the space of five years the king had seven confessors . this alteration gave a fatal blow to the dutchess de terra nova , and the chief minister flatter'd himself , that she would now leave the palace in a short time . since people spoke no more of sending her away , and she was well informed of every thing that past , she was of opinion , that they could not find any lady who was fit to succeed her in her place , and that she should still continue in it : but the queen finding all her stock of patience spent and gone , by reason of all those occasions of complaint she still persisted to give her , consented at last to receive the dutchess de albuquerque near her person : but this was not till after she had endeavoured to obtain the marchioness de los velez , and even the dutchess de l' infantado . she saw very well , that the queen-mother , and the chief minister would never give their consent to it , and that it was indispensably necessary for her to take a camar●ra major from their hands , or else to rest contented with whom she now had . every one gave the dutchess de albuquerque a good character , to efface those ill impressions she had received against her . they took care to satisfie her , that she was ingenious , and well-read in the world ; that she was not ignorant of any of the customs and ceremonies of the court ; that she would do her all good offices imaginable , both with the queen-mother , and the duke de medina celi ; that she had better make this choice freely and voluntarily , than express any repugnance to a thing , which would unavoidably happen . these reasons had their effect ; the queen accepted her , and receiv'd her very kindly when she saw her . she had concerted the matter with the queen her mother in law , and the duke de medina celi : but this was not sufficient ; the king's consent remained still to be gained ; and he was no less averse to the dutchess de albuquerque , than to the marchioness de los velez . the prejudices he had received against this dutchess were of the same nature with those that had been insinuated into the queen . the dutchess de terra nova , and the secretary de eguya , were the persons who had thus maliciously pre possessed him against her ; and nothing less than all the authority of the queen-mother could make him resolve to admit her into the palace . she spoke to him of it at first very softly and gently , but afterwards in a stronger and higher tone . she told him , that it was high time for him now to know people of himself , and not to judge of their merits by what was whispered to him concerning them ; that any person might be so unhappy as to have secret enemies , and that he was in a miserable condition to depend always upon those that possessed his ear. when he perceived the queen-mother to speak to him after this manner , he opposed the business no longer , and so every thing was adjusted . don pedro de arragon received orders on the twentieth of august , to acquaint the dutchess de terra nova with the queen's intentions , and with the reasons she pretended to assign against her conduct ; that the best way she could take , would be to obey without resistance , and to make it appear , as well as she could , that she retired of her own accord . this blow did not surprize her , since she was long ago prepared for it , by the private whisperings that were spread about the court. she answered don pedro de arragon in a very few words , and could not yet bring her self to believe , that the king had given his consent to her removal : so she was resolved to be satisfied of the truth of it from his own mouth . she waited to speak with him , as he was just going to sit down to dinner , and entertain'd him for some time in a low tone ; at last , raising her voice to a higher pitch , she demanded leave of him to retire . the king answered her aloud , i give you my consent , madam ; you may retire as soon as you please . these few words were like to discompose all the constancy of the dutchess ; she changed colour several times , and advanced a few steps to speak in private with him again ; but he turned his back towards her , and asked something or other of the duke de uzeda . she went hastily out of the room , and retired to her chamber to compose her self again ; but the disorder she was in , would not permit her to appear before the queen till evening ; and then she came to wait upon her at supper , and at her going to bed , with as unconcerned an air , as if nothing had passed , though to counterfeit this , gave her a great deal of trouble , because she was throughly netled . the queen was informed by the king of what he had said to her ; however , she had the goodness not to discover any thing of it , although she had no reason to be well pleased with her . next morning , the dutchess , who had not gone to bed , but had passed the whole night walking in her chamber , with the dutchesses de monteleon and de hijar her two daughters , only waited till the queen was up , to go and take her leave of her . her visage was more pale than ordinary , and her eyes more red and fiery : she then approached the queen , and without weeping , or shewing the least concern , told her , she was very sorry that she had not served her so well as she wished . the queen , who was a person of wonderful tenderness , could not forbear to seem somewhat touched , and to relent a little ; but as she was saying some obliging things to comfort her , the dutchess interrupted her , and told her with an imperious air , that a queen of spain ought not to weep for so inconsiderable a matter ; that the camarera who came to succeed her in her place , would acquit her self better of her duty : and so , without saying a word more , she took hold of the queen's hand , and making a shew of kissing it , immediately retired . when every one about the court knew that she was to go away , they came to her apartment , shedding tears , either through policy , inclination or weakness . she did not seem to them to be in the least afflicted , and casting her eyes on all sides , she said : i thank heaven , this is a place where i shall never set my foot again ; i am going to taste the sweets of repose , and to find tranquillity at my own house : i will go to sicily , there i shall meet with no such disgusts as i have found at madrid . in saying these words , she struck her fist twice upon a little table that stood near her , and taking a very pretty china fan , she broke it in two , threw it upon the ground , and stampt it under her feet . thus she was sent away a few days after the father confessor ; she that never thought of leaving the court , as well by reason of the ascendant she had got over the king , as because it was a thing without a president , till now , to remove the queen 's camarera major , unless it so happen'd , that she desired it her self . 't is easie to imagine the grief she felt upon this occasion ; however , to comfort her in some measure , it was resolved to bestow the vice-royship of gallicia upon the duke de hijar , her son in law , and the order of the fleece upon the duke de monteleon , who had married her grand daughter . they were likewise willing still to continue to her the honours and the appointments belonging to her place ; but as soon as she was informed of the good intentions of the court towards her , she proudly said , that she would refuse every thing they could offer her , and that this was to give her incense , forsooth , and break her nose with the censer . as soon as she was departed from the palace , the dutchess de albuquerque went thither to take possession of her apartment ; and though she had the character of a proud haughty woman , yet she did not make it appear , that she intended to copy after the dutchess nova's conduct : on the other hand , she entertained all people with a world of respect and civility , and expressed the greatest affection imaginable for the young queen . this lady was widow to the duke de albuquerque , who was chief of the family de la cueva , and was fifty years old . i always saw her wear a little bandore of black taffata , which reached down as low as her eye-brows , and bound her forehead so hard , that her eyes were swelled with it . she was a woman of great wit and reading , and on certain days in the week , held assemblies at her house , where all the learned were well received . she had only one daughter , whom she married to the youngest brother of the late duke de albuquerque , to keep up the name of the family . she was passionately devoted to the queen-mother's party , and people did not doubt , but that she would use the young queen very well . they were afterwards confirmed in this opinion , when they heard the king , a little after her admittance to court , tell the queen , that he would have her take her pleasure more than she had hitherto done ; that she must walk abroad , and ride on horse-back ; and that he was willing she might go to bed late , provided he might go to bed at eight a clock , as his custom was . nay , he was so very complaisant a few days after , as to resolve not to go to bed till ten. this agreeable alteration in his conduct , gave the world occasion to conjecture , that the dutchness de albuquerque had engaged the queen-mother to speak to the king in favour of her ; and that the severity which the queen had hitherto undergone , had been inspired into the king only by the means of the dutchess de terra nova . the marquess de caralvo , who was of the council of state , died about this time : he ●eft prodigious sums of ready money behind him ; and the crown gained by his death sixty seven thousand crowns , which was yearly given him by way of pension . the admiral of castile's lady died likewise , and as he had lived after a very indifferent manner with her always , and was one of the greatest admirers of the fair sex in all the world ; so he did not over-much complain for his wive's death , nor was over-sorrowful to become a widower . he had accustomed her to see near fifteen or sixteen of his mistrisses live in his house with him , in very fine apartments , and all different ; and he was sometimes so malicious , when she walked out in the garden , as to look out of a window with one of these creatures standing by him , who let her handkerchief , or a ribban drop , and the admiral would call to his wife to take it up , and bring it to the person to whom it belonged ; which she submitted to do , with a respect and patience that all the world admired . it happened to be said at court , that a certain man was found digging in the ground very early in the morning , over-against the imperial colledge . his design was to take up some money and jewels , which a iew , who had been burnt , and whose domestick he was , had buried , in that place . the king ordered him to bring what he had found there : it was all locked up in a little iron chest , which was full of pieces of gold of several sorts ; and amongst the rest , there were two pictures , which i have seen , bigger than my hand , and incircled round with diamonds of a considerable value : about them were two little scrowls of parchment , with some writing upon them ; upon one , the dutchess de chevreuse ; and on the other , the dutchess de montbazon . it was judged , that the iews , who traffick much , and lend money upon pawns , came perhaps by these pictures after the same manner . they were perfectly finished , and the ladies were both of admirable beauty . the king said , that they ought to be sent to the escurial . i often had the happiness to see the marchioness de liche , who was one of the most beautiful and agreeable persons at court ; her husband was a man of infinite wit : he was much against his will ambassador at rome ; and when he was to go thither , endeavoured all the ways in the world to break off his voyage . he tarried a long time upon the coasts of spain , and was unwilling to depart , pretending that he was ill , and praying them to send another in his room , to whom he offered to give all his equipage , as a free gift , or else to trust him for it , at his choice : but the court was afraid of the vivacity of his genius , and he was known to be a man of enterprise : for this reason it was thought convenient to keep him at a distance and so they sent him fresh orders to depart , and go to rome . he appeared there with a great magnificence , and supported the honour of his ministry very well . when the duke de medina celi was made chief minister , he writ several letters to him , and employ'd the interest of all his family to get himself re-called . it was positively denied him , because he was feared now more than ever ; and it was apprehended , in case he returned home , that he would unite himself with his brother the count de monterei . to these reasons of state the duke de medina celi joyned some private ones , that purely respected his own proper interest : for it was an easie matter to take advantage of the absence of the marquess de liche , to have a certain law-suit determined , which was depending between them . the marquess being informed of what had happened , and despairing ever to surmount those obstacles which the duke laid in his way , thought the surest expedient to get himself re-called home , would be to disgust the pope upon all occasions ; and herein he acquitted himself so dexterously , and did every thing to displease the pope after so disobliging a manner , that his holiness sent the king word , that unless he would re-call the marquess de liche , he must resolve to leave rome ; intreating him to send another ambassador in his place , since he had never seen so disagreeable a one as this in all his life : but they answered him , that one of the reasons which inclined them to continue him still at rome , was , because his holiness had declared . that he would grant the rights of the franchises , and the immunities of their quarter , only to those ambassadors who were then resident in rome , and that those who were to be sent in their room for the time to come , should no more enjoy them . the pope perceiving that he tormented himself in vain , and that if he , for his part , had good reasons to demand the re-calling of the marquess de liche , the court of spain had also theirs to deny it , did not renew his importunities any more : but being resolved to do all the ill offices he could to the ambassador , who had on purpose disobliged him , as far as lay in his power , he found an opportunity to quit scores with him ; and he took his advantage of it with pleasure . it was about a dispensation , which the marquess de liche demanded of him , in favour of don pedro de arragon , his uncle , to marry donna catalina de la cerda , daughter to the duke de medina celi . this young lady was niece to don pedro de arragon , who was brother to the duke de cardonne , and to the cardinal of arragon ; and the duke de cardonne was father to the dutchess de medina celi : so that there was an absolute necessity for a dispensation . the marquess was intrusted with the procuring of it by his uncle , who writ him word , that he should die contentedly , if he could but leave an heir of his name and estate behind him ; that after he had been twice married , without getting any children , he hoped his third match would prove more fortunate to him ; and therefore he desired him , not to lose a moment to obtain of the pope what he desired . the ambassador omitted nothing to compass it , and gave himself a great deal of trouble and pains to no purpose ; they still put him off , and sent him sometimes to one , and sometimes to another cardinal . in fine , after having made him dance attendance long enough , till he had lost all manner of patience , they bluntly told him , that they could by no means grant what he demanded , and that the pope made a scruple of giving a dispensation to a man , who was seventy years old , to marry his niece , who was not yet sixteen . the ambassador sensibly resented this refusal , and sent speedy notice of it to don pedro de arragon : but what gave him a new occasion to be more displeased , was to hear , that at the very moment , when don pedro was reading his letter at madrid , the nuncio brought him a dispensation that was expedited gratis , and told him , that he had received it much sooner , if the marquess de liche had not appeared in the matter . don pedro sent his nephew word of all these circumstances , who was exceedingly vexed at it . the marriage was concluded on the th of iuly , without any ceremony , at the house of the duke de medina celi , where cardinal portocarero married them . all the spanish officers at naples were enjoyn'd to reassume the spanish dress : 't was believed that the neapolitans would soon imitate them ; but seeing they did it not in the least , an ordinance was published , by sound of trumpet , at the beginning of august , commanding all the officers of justice to apparel themselves after the spanish fashion . this conduct had never been used towards them , had it not been to let them see how great a heart-burning it was to them , to behold them drest after the french way . the troops continued still to make complaints , because it was a long time since they had been paid off : they spoke several times to the vice-roy about it , who sent them to the secretary of war , and he to the cash-keeper , or pay-master to the army . he answered them , that the military funds were clearly exhausted , and that he was not in a condition to satisfie them . this makes it sufficiently appear , that the extream misery , which indeed oppressed the whole spanish monarchy , was not only perceived at madrid . the king being fully resolved to endeavour , as far as in him lay , the ease and satisfaction of his people , and thinking himself obliged to the performance of it , by those things which father francis de relux had said to him , at the time when he was his confessor , acquainted the duke de medina celi with his designs to establish a particular council , where all manner of affairs should be debated ; and it should be composed of the constable of castile , the marquess de los balbazez , the inquisitor general , and don melchior navarra . the chief minister was to be the head of it , but the king reserved to himself the last resolutions of things , and all favours , and disposals of places . the duke approved at first of the king's project , but after he had maturely deliberated upon it , he went to the king on purpose to disswade him from it , out of an assurance , that the council of state would be jealous of it , which was composed of some of the most considerable persons in the kingdom ; that this would occasion a vexatious difference between them , and rather hinder the success and advancement of affairs , than promote them . don melchior navarra , vice-chancellor of arragon , obtained all the appointments and profits , which the presidents of that council were formerly used to enjoy . it was not at all questioned , but that the queen-mother advanced the dutchess de albuquerque to the place where now she was to be seen ; and people were as fully perswaded , that it was she who got the prince de parma to be sent into flanders , to recompence the great zeal he had always expressed in her service . but the council of state began to be alarmed at the great power of this princess . what is the matter ? would they usually say one to another , are we going to have a new regency , and is the king resolved to be under wardship again ? what gave them the greatest occasion to talk after this manner , was as follows : the council having , according to the custom , named three subjects for the vice-royship of peru , out of which number the king generally chuses one ; his majesty , without having any regard to it , named don melchior navarra , w●o had advanced his fortune by the means of the queen-mother , and was absolutely devoted to her . he was born in arragon , of an obscure family , and at first was an advocate , and afterwards a counsellor at naples ; being come to madrid , he there became fiscal to the council of arragon , and had the good fortune to please the queen-mother , who was then regent . she made him vice chancellor of arragon , which is one of the most considerable places , out of pure spight to the council of state , who opposed her , so that she could not bestow this office upon the prince de stillano . the iuncto of the government refusing to admit him , she put the other in his place , that she might always have one of her own creatures in that iuncto ; and besides this , might always be informed for the time to come , of what was transacted there . the queen had no sooner given this testimony of her affection to don melchior , but every body stood surprized to see a man of so mean a birth , advanced to so high a post ; but when they knew him better , they found him to be a person of great merit , experience and probity . don iuan of austria , who was mightily displeased at his conduct , banished him , and he came not back to court till after the death of that prince . the queen-mother being desirous to make him compleatly happy , got the vice royship of peru for him , which is a very advantageous post ; for in less than five years time a man may very well heap up three millions by it , without wronging either his own conscience , or his neighbour . just at his departure , they charged him with very rigorous orders against the governours of that kingdom , who had made an ill use of their power . this custom has been taken up of a long time ; the poor and unfortunate only are made examples , but the rest make a shift to escape well enough , by giving a good round sum of money , which perhaps they have extorted from other people . but as it always happens , that one man's good fortune proves an obstacle to that of another , the marquess de santa crux died of grief , because he mist this place . he had been general of the spanish gallies , and was a man of birth and merit , but so extreamly poor , that he saw nothing else could set him up again , but the vice-roy-ship of peru. he did not question but that they would consider him for the services of his ancestors , and remember that the count de chinchon , his father , who had been counsellor of state , was always faithful to the crown , and that they would examine his own personal merit . he flattered himself , that all these considerations would infallibly procure him the vice-royship of peru. he came on purpose to madrid , to solicite for it ; but when he saw don melchior navarra preferred before him , he could not master his grief , and died within few days after . his death was attended by that of one of the dearest persons in the world to him , donna antonia de la cerda , daughter to the duke de medina celi , and wife to the son of the marquess de villa manriquez . she was very young , and yet extreamly agreeable . the ambassador of the estates of the united provinces , had audience of the king , on the twentieth of august : he demanded of him the payment of several millions that were due from the crown of spain to the admiralty of holland , ever since the year . the king was only pleased to say , veremos , and that evening having sent for the duke de medina celi to come to him , i have never , says he , seen so many debts , and so little money to pay them ; if this holds , i will give no more audience to those to whom i am indebted . the duke told him , he hoped that in a short time things would be in a better condition , and that the hollanders were rich enough to stay a little longer for their money . people talked very strangely at madrid , of the king 's recalling the duke de veraguas , who was vice-roy of valentia . this little kingdom is , as it were , annexed to that of arragon , and is a place where there never fail to be abundance of murderers , robbers and cut-throats . the malignant influence that reigns here , makes the men naturally so bad , that when there is any ill action to be done , they make use of the bandoleros , who are a sort of banditti , divided into several factions , and have each of them their chief , who are generally seditious persons , capable of all the villanies in the world. an apostatized monk took shelter amongst them , and they found him to be so resolute and hardened a fellow , that they chose him for their captain ; but as it happened , the very moment he came to commit an assassinate , he was taken with his sword in his hand . he could not deny so palpable a crime , and the vice-roy was advised to execute speedy justice upon him . the vice-roy was well enough satisfied that he ought to serve him so ; but what gave him some trouble , was this , that having to deal with a religious , he thought , that he ought to use more formality with him . another reason likewise stopt him a little ; for by the laws of valentia , some days are allotted to criminals after they are condemned , before their execution . he ordered four religious of different orders to meet , and consulted them upon these two heads : two of them were of opinion , that he might take cognizance of this matter with the archbishop's consent : the two others maintained , that although the laws of the countrey allow some time to a guilty person , and that this was a monk belonging to the ecclesiastical jurisdiction ; yet for all that , the king's service demanded a speedy and severe example ; and that the actions of this man were so abominably odious , that he deserved to have no respect show'n him . the duke de veraguas was of their opinion , and ordered him to be hanged immediately . the ecclesiasticks demanded him before execution ; the archbishop supported them by his authority , and when he knew it was to no purpose , his official published an interdict . the people immediately made an insurrection , and the vice-roy was obliged to shut himself up in his palace ; but being besieged on every side , and apprehending some danger from the violence of the rabble , he escaped out of the city well accompanied . the archbishop lost no time to inform the court of what had happened ; the duke too sent thither as soon , and each of them alledged their reasons . upon this the king ordered a iuncto to sit , composed of his own confessor , a jesuit , and a dominican . it happened well for the archbishop that he was of the same order with this last , and had been general of his order ; he wanted no more to gain the cause ; the duke de veraguas was condemned with one consent , and a sum of money was remitted to him , with orders to come within twenty leagues of madrid , and there to wait the king 's farther pleasure . on the twenty sixth of august the count de aquilar was named to succeed him in his place , and within hours after he departed , to go and take poss●ssion of it . if t●is affair , the judgment whereof appeared too rigorous , made so great a noise , the connivance show'n to the marquess de las navas , vice roy of sicily , surprized people no less . he merely , for a humour , persecuted the archbishop of palermo , so as to make him leave the city : the king being informed of the proceedings , was not only content to reprimand the vice-roy for it , but ordered , that the archbishop should receive particular satisfaction from him . he wrote a very obliging letter to this prelate , wherein he acquainted him how much he was concerned at the affronts he had received , and sent it to the marquess de navas , with orders to deliver it to the archbishop with his own hands . the vice-roy received it , and kept it by him ; but they being informed of it at court , a fresh injunction was sent him : he obey'd this no better than the former . this stiffness and contumacy of his , perfectly wearied the council , without drawing the least inconvenience upon him ; so that they no more commanded him to deliver the letter to the archbishop . it is very certain , that another man would not have had this indulgence show'n him ; but the vice-roy being , it seems , obliged to marry his son to one of the daughters of the duke de medina celi , this is one reason why he was sure to meet with good quarter , as long as the duke continued in favour . nevertheless , the marquess de louvignies , who was made governour of messina , was no sooner arrived there , but he was offended to see the fortifications and garrison in so ill a condition . he plainly told the marquess de las navas , that he could not dispence with himself from giving the court an account of these matters . he was as good as his word , and the vice-roy received a severe check for his negligence . they had a new occasion to be displeased at madrid , when they received advices of what happened at naples , on the th of september : the vice-roy passing through the toledo-street , to go to visit the spanish nuns , was stopt by an hundred troopers , all armed , and on horse-back , who audaciously demanded of him , either to pay them off , or else to dismiss them . so resolute an action as this was , did not a little surprize him : he promised to do every thing they desired of him , and returned back again to the palace very suddenly . as soon as he believed himself to be safe , he ordered six souldiers to be sent to prison , and their tryals to come on speedily . he reformed all the cavalry , together with the captains , and the other officers , as well as the lieutenant general . this body of horse consisted of seven troops , and had been kept up above fifty years . he pretended , that he had received orders from madrid to reform them after this manner ; but the real truth is , he was not in a condition to pay them . the king of spain hereupon was exceedingly grieved , to behold the misery to which all his kingdoms were reduced . but all this evil news was ballanced , when they knew that the plague was intirely ceas'd in andaluzia , and that the chief magistrate of cales finding the port of st. mary free from the infection , had taken off the prohibition of commerce . after this , they immediately begun to load the gallions . on the fifth of september there were great rejoicings at court , because it was the birth-day of his most christian majesty : a comedy was acted there , and all the ambassadors and grandees of spain were present at it . the queen appeared so covered with jewels , that her diamonds cast a greater light than six large flambeaux , as big as torches did , that were lighted in the great hall. a few days after this , the king and the two queens went solemnly to chappel , where the anniversary of philip iv. was celebrated with great ceremonies . the queen being returned to the palace , found a sealed letter in her pocket , having the same superscription with that which she formerly received ; and seeing written on the out-side , for the queen alone , she would not open it , and almost distracted her self in thinking what person it was , that could find the means to come so nigh her , as to slip this letter into her pocket . towards evening she went along with the king to the queen-mother's palace , to make her the usual complements of condolance , upon the death of the late king her husband . the dutchess de medina celi told the king , that she had received a letter from ispaham , the capital city of persia , which had great curiosities in it . the king replied , that he was desirous to hear it . all the company being gone out of the room , she placed her self near him to read it . the queen took her advantage of this opportunity , and told the queen-mother , that she had a great desire to see a picture of titian , which she had lately bought . as she said these words , she advanced towards the great closet of the queen-mother , whither she follow'd her . when they had entred into it , the young queen gave her the letter , which she had found in her pocket , and desired her to keep it , or burn it , as she thought most convenient . i don't know , says she , but it may come from the dutchess de terra nova ; but she shall be clearly mistaken in her project . the queen-mother told her , that she had best open the letter , to see what was contained in it . ah , madam , replied the queen , i would never , by my good will , see any such letters . the queen-mother admired the prudent conduct of this young princess , and bid her not disquiet her self about the matter ; for she would take care to keep it sealed by her ; and some time after she recounted this adventure to the marchioness de m●rtare , and show'd her the first letter , saying , she believed it proceeded from the malice of some persons who designed to do the queen a mischief . it was through this lady's means , that my cousin and i came to know all that i have written concerning this affair . the queen , and the queen-mother did not tarry long together , but came to find the king , who told them , that the dutchess de medina celi had read a letter to him , wherein was contained a very tragical surprising accident , and that they would by no means think their time lost to hear it . the dutchess immediately read the letter ; it was dated from ispahan , the th of march , . and gave an account , how , that on the d of ianuary , in the same year , the city of masulipatan , which is the greatest scale of trade in the kingdom of golconda , had been overflow'd by the sea , and by extraordinary rains , accompanied with a furious hurricane ; that above twenty five thousand persons were drowned there , and that the loss of the goods and merchandize amounted to twenty millions ; that it had rained blood for the space of two hours , in the village of sobou , near deli , where the great mogul keeps his residence ; and that part of the city of sougean , near daera , had been over-whelmed by an earthquake : that the engl●sh having received advice , that the raja sevagi , after he had pillaged the city of danga , threatned to besiege bombay , ( which is a place that was yeilded up by the portugueses to them , together with tangier , upon occasion of the marriage of the infanta catharina , queen of england , ) had sent some men of war to bombay to defend it ; but that it was very much questioned whether they would be able to hold it out against a prince who continued to make his conquests with so prodigious a swiftness , and who had already defeated cercan loudi , a prince dependant upon the king of visiapour . he had possessed himself in less than two years of all the territory scicuate upon the coasts of coromand●l . the king of visiapour being concerned at the misfortune of this prince , who was just upon the point of marrying the princess famika , his sister , designed to assist him , and sent his forces under the command of famika , who was as brave as an amazon , beautiful and haughty . the prince sevagi knowing that she marched against him , advanced with his army , and met her towards the kingdom of golconda . she sent a zagay to him , with a sabre , and writ to him , that in case he was so pleased , they would decide the quarrel by a single combat . he accepted the challenge , took the arms she sent him , and returned her other . the two armies were drawn out in battel , with orders , not to make the least movement as long as the combat continued . the princess was vanquished , and surrendered her self prisoner . the prince cercan londi , who was with her , was driven into despair , when he saw his mistress taken away from him ; he threw himself , with his forces upon those of s●vagi , and after a long combat cercan was taken prisoner , and the prince remained master of the field . after this , he still carried famika along with him ; and she appeared so charming to him , that he told her , if she was willing to marry him , he would restore to cercan loudi all that he had taken from him by way of conquest . the princess haughtily replied , that she would never sacrifice her self to one that was a subject to the king her brother . sevagi , who was deeply in love with her , dispatched an envoy to the king of visiapour , to demand famika of him , and promised , that if he would bestow that princess upon him , he would serve him as his vastal . the king scorned the proposal , treating him as a revolted subject , whom he knew well enough how to chastise . when the other saw that gentle methods signified nothing , he presently fell a ravaging the countrey of visiapour , from surat to goa , except six or seven places upon the coasts ; so that his conquests extended as far as n●gapatan ; and this , in all , made near leagues in length . he always carried his fair prisoner along with him , hoping to gain her by his respect and complaisance ; but having had one day a very long conversation with her upon this topick , wherein she declared , that all the injuries either she , or those of her family , suffered at his hands , only served to provoke her the more , and that she would never love any one but cercan loudi : the love of sevagi was in a moment turned into fury , and he had the cruelty to cause a scaffold to be erected for her , where with his own hands he cut off the head of the young princess famika , and her lover . the queen-mother having a great kindness for the marchioness de grana , received two of her daughters , who were very lovely and well shaped , into the number of her ladies . a short time after , the king , the two queens , and all the court , departed for aranjuez ; but the house not being large enough to lodge half the officers and ladies , they came back every night , and lay near it . the duke de uzeda , the count de altamire , and the two sons of the duke of alva , disguised themselves like muleteers , with bonnets , after the english fashion pulled over their heads to hide them ; and being drest after this fashion , they went every day on foot by the boot of the coach of the queen's maids of honour , to court their mistresses , as the custom is there . although the king had prohibited all persons in general , and married people in particular , los galanteos de palacio , as they call it , at madrid ; yet he was not able to hinder it . it has been a thing established time out of mind amongst them , to entertain the ladies of the court , with their gallantry , although they have not the least design to marry them : and they wait upon them with as much assiduity as if they were already betrothed to them . but what is the strangest , as well as the least pardonable thing of all , is , that they ruine themselves by it : i have seen married men , nay , even those that were grandfathers , totally taken up in an amour with one of the ladies of the court. the women , whose husbands are led away with these extravagant fancies , are extreamly disgusted at it ; and this often occasions horrid disorders in their families ; but all that these cavaliers pretend to reap by their passion , is only , that their mistresses will suffer them to come and stop under their windows . here they sit in the back part of their coaches , and entertain them by their fingers , and the ladies answer them after the same manner , without speaking to them , but only upon days of ceremony , for at that time they have the liberty to accost them before all the world. but what is very surprising , and was never yet practised any where else , the ladies of honour belonging to the queen , receive jewels , apparel , and considerable sums of money from their gallants . the dukes de montalte , and de medina sidonia , having no office to oblige them to follow the court to aranjuez , sent their stewards , cooks , and other servants , with gold and silver plate , to carry magnificent repasts to their mistresses , as long as they staid at aranjuez . the diversion there is but little , because the greatest pleasure one can take , is to walk along the sides of the river tagus , which wash the banks of the finest walks in the world ; but the rains were so great , that no body could stir out . when there was the least fair weather , the queen rode on horse-back with all her ladies , but one of them had the mischance to be carried away by her horse , and received so much hurt by her fall , that she died within three days after . this ill accident troubled the king exceedingly , so that by his good will , he would not suffer the queen to ride ; when he saw her not , he would still be crying , let some body go to see how my queeen does , and bring me word , whether she is fallen off her horse . the king was informed at aranjuez , that two portugues● men of war , in their return to lisbon , had met a french vess●l , commanded by the chevalier de leti : he demanded the salute of them ; and upon their refusing to do it , gave them a broad-side , which they answered with all their guns ; but after a long dispute , he obliged them to strike the flag . after this , the vessel continued its course towards villa franca , where the ambassador of savoy waited to be carried over to portugal . upon this the king of sp●in told the duke de medina celi , that there was no question to be made but his gallies would be served after the same manner , if they were not better provided . the king had a mighty desire when he parted from madrid , to go immediately to the escurial , but he could not fully resolve to carry the queen along with him thither , till he had staid some time at some of the other houses belonging to the kings of spain . he had been told , that it was looked upon to be an ill omen to go first to the place where the royal tombs are ; and since the queen had as yet been only at buen retiro , à la casa del campo , at pardo , and zarzuela , which are so near madrid , that she just rested her self there a few hours after she came from hunting , he was resolved to begin with aranjuez , to avert and frustrate those evil presages : therefore he ordered every thing to be in readiness for his journey , by the beginning of september , which is one of the finest months of the year in spain ; but the ministers not finding money enough in the treasury to defray the expences of the progress , dexterously endeavoured to put it by , though in all appearance they seem'd to desire it as much as the king did , and daily ordered mules to be got ready to carry the baggage . they pretended the ways were dangerous and bad , and at last , that the great rains had corrupted the air. nay , they sent for some physicians , with whom they had been practising , to confirm all they said . notwithstanding these reasons , the king still persisted in his resolution to go to aranjuez , and did not know till the very evening before he was to depart , that he could not go . he was the only person that was ignorant of it ; for the ministers had acquainted their friends with it above twelve days before , and all the city was informed , that the king was to stay at madrid still . the queen was not a little displeased at these proceedings ; she spoke to the king about it , and told him , that the ministers might now very well forbear to use them any longer like children ; that if there had been any important reasons why they should not go to aranjuez , they ought to have given them timely notice of it ; but to put them off , and , speaking properly , to fool them after this insufferable rate , was never to be endured . the king was vexed , and told the queen , that this should be the last time he would suffer such things at their hands , and that they should direct themselves for the future only by his will and pleasure . this discourse was over-heard by some of the gentlemen of the bed-chamber , who went presently to acquaint the duke de medina celi with it , to make their court by this means . he was terribly disheartned , and feared least the queen , who was charming and witty , might come to get a greater ascendant over the king's inclinations than he desired ; and therefore that he might not displease the king any more , used all imaginable diligence to provide a fund sufficient to bear the expences of going to aranjuez and the escurial . till this very moment he had resolved to break off these two journeys ; but he apprehended a great deal of danger from the queen's dissatisfaction ; and so to get a sum necessary for the occasion , he sold two offices of the contador major for twenty five thousand crowns , and received forty more for a government in the indies . he took fifty thousand crowns out of an hundred thousand , that were to be laid out in equipping of the gallions . he made use of the money gathered for custom , that was to have paid off the the rights of the franchises , and the revenues of the town-hall : in a word , every thing was got ready by that time the court came back from aranjuez , for them to go to the escurial . however , the king was not able to go as soon as he desired , by reason that the ill weather increased ; ever since the beginning of september never a day passed without violent tempests , accompanied by dreadful claps of thunder : the lightning struck abundance of persons in several places , and the hail fell so thick , and in such prodigious quantities in the forrest of the pardo , which is an house of pleasure belonging to the king , that it broke the branches of the greatest trees , and killed so many birds and wild fowl , that both the fields and the river of mancanarez , were covered with them , and it was the most surprising sight in the world to behold ; the ancient bridge de aranda de ducro , was carried away by the waters of that river , and the tagus over-flow'd its banks with that impetuosity , that it did an incredible mischief to the pleasant walks at aranjuez . so many accidents , of which they received fresh news daily , troubled the court exceedingly ; for there was scarce a place in spain exempt from these continual tempests : one of them happened on the th of september , in so out-ragious a manner , that the gardens of the countess de ognate , which are the finest in madrid , were overflown in a moment ; the water entred into the lower apartments of her house , where she kept her noblest italian paintings , and her richest moveables , and all was intirely spoiled by this inundation . the torrent , to work out its passage , threw down the garden-walls , and broke into that belonging to our ladies de atocha . the next night we all thought that madrid would be beaten down about our ears by the thuder claps , the lightning , the wind , the rain , and the hail . i don't believe any body went to bed in the whole city ; the churches were full of people who confessed , as if the hour of death were approaching . the water of the mancanarez swelled exceedingly , and spread it self on all sides . the king and the queen , who impatiently waited for day light , went in devotion to our ladies de atocha , but at their return they found the prado overflown ; and tho●gh a coach had been overturned a little before , by the rapidity of the torrent , the king believed that his might pass it well enough , and commanded the coachman to advance speedily forward towards the bridge of the bare-legged augustines : within a few paces of the bridge the two fore mules , which in spain are at a pretty distance from the hindmost , were overturned by the impetuosity of the water : the postillion that led them 'scaped very narrowly ; the mules recovered themselves twice , and were thrown down as often . the king was all alone in the coach wi●h the queen , very much concerned , and telling her , that he was in pain only for her sake . in the mean time some people got hold by the traces , and so drew out the coach by meer strength . by this means the mules got out of the water ; but their majesties could not reach the palace , and being affrighted at the great danger they had just escaped , were obliged to go to buen-retiro , where they tarried till mid-night , and waited for the waters to fall . the marquess de los velez , vice-roy of ●●●ples , dispatched a courier to court , to give them advice , that the pope had demanded of them to send the marquess sera , a geroes● , to him , who was excommunicated for falling foul upon the apostolick nuncio's courier on maunday thursday . the brief specified , that h●s holiness grounded his pretensions upon the right of soveraignty the holy see had to the kingdom of naples . the officers of all the courts of judicature assembled upon it , and resolved not to comply with the popes desires , by reason of the ill consequences that might attend such an affair . but the king , and the ministers here , could not forbear to wonder , that his holiness spoke of renewing his pretensions , which seemed to be adjusted a long time ago . the only son of the marquess de castel-rodrigo died about the beginning of october , as did also don rui gomez de silva , brother to the duke de hijar : we may say , they were two of the most handsome and hopeful lords at court. this last was mightily devoted to donna isabella de mendoza , a lady of great beauty , who was not compleatly seventeen years old . she took the death of her lover so much to heart , that without acquainting her mother with it , she got out of her house , covered in a mantle , and went to the * descalsas reales , there to take upon her the religious habit. their majesties parted from madrid on the th of october , to go to the escurial . the king only carried with him the duke de medina celi , the grand master of the houshold , with two masters of the house in ordinary , the great forrester ; and the first gentleman of the bed-chamber , and two other lords in the same office , don geronimo de eguya , secretary of state , and the marquess de grana , ambassador from the emperour . the admiral of castile , who was master of the horse , did not arrive there till fourteen days after the king : he was naturally so lazy , even when he was obliged to make his court , that he could not resolve in a less time to go to the escurial . all the ladies of the court , and six women of the bed-chamber , accompanied the queen ; the marquess de villa maina , chief gentleman of the bed-chamber , and the marquess de astorgas , grand master of the houshold , went along with her . as for the duke de ossone , who was master of the horse to her , he tarried at madrid , upon the account of a new disgust he had received at court. the king was willing that the queen should ride on horse-back , to take a few turns in the walks of the meadows , and to meet him as he came from hunting . she had four fits of an ague , but the following ones were so gentle , that she was able to get up a few days after , and divert her self , as she had used to do ever since her arrival to the escurial . the king , who was altogether taken up with the pleasures of hunting , pursued the sport from sun rising till night . one day he ordered a chase to be prepared after the german manner ; they had toils , which inclosed a great quantity of ground , and here with their guns they killed above two hundred bucks or does . the queen was at first desirous to be there , but being informed after what manner they used these poor creatures , she imagined that such a sight would rather give her occasion to employ her pity , than afford her any pleasure . the king in all his chases generally took no more with him than the first gentleman of the bed-chamber , and the great forrester ; he loved to find himself alone in vast solitudes , and sometimes it was a long while before they could find him . when he hunted after the german manner , he would be accompanied by the duke de medina celi , and the marquess de grana . at his return , the chief minister following the king to the queen's apartment , found that her majesty did not cast her eyes upon him , he immediately penetrated into the reason of this alteration he found in the queen's behaviour ; for to say the truth , she was displeased with him for disswading his majesty to expedite a parent for a government in the indies , which he had granted to her : but when the duke knew it , he told the king , that the queen begged this grace of him , at the intreaty of one of the women of her bed-chamber , who was a french woman , who would get considerably by it , when in the mean time twelve thousand pistols were offered for it . the king thought it was the best way to take this sum , and after this would not hear the least word of dispatching the patent , as he had promised . but what provoked the queen infinitely more , was the conduct he had used in her absence towards the constable colonna's lady . the dutchess de medina celi had passed her word to the queen , as in her husband's name , that during the stay her majesty made at the escurial , nothing should be done to the prejudice of this lady . notwithstanding these assurances , upon which she depended , she was carried away from madrid , and by an order from the king , confined to the cas●le of segovia . to begin this story from its original , the reader is to know , that this lady was niece to the late cardinal mazarine : she brought a very considerable fortune with her at her marriage ; and perhaps the family of the colonna's had sunk very low without this seasonable relief . after she had passed the happiest and most pleasant part of her life at rome , where she always appeared in great pomp and splendor , having the liberty to live after the french fashion , and according to all appearances , seeming to be content with her fortune : she withdrew all on the sudden , without so much as knowing the reason of it her self , through the ill counsels of some persons , who hazarded not a little upon her account , in making her hazard every thing on her side : so that she departed privately with the dutchess of mazarine , her sister . they had disguised themselves so well , that none knew them when they took shipping : and thus they arrived safely in france . the constable colonna's lady hoped to find here a sanctuary against her husband , and some vain flattering idea's , that were not as yet perfectly extinguished in her heart , served to perswade her , that she should be well received at court ; but so far was she from meeting any encouragement to make her appearance there , that she was prohibited by the king to come there . i have heard her say , that she resented this treatment with so sensible a grief , that she was like to have died of it . after this she went to turin , where she made a short stay , and the uneasiness of her mind led her at last to flanders . there she happened to find the marquess de borgomaine , of the house of este , in whom she reposed an intire confidence , without remembring that he was rather a friend to her husband than to her self . he flattered her in all her projects , in order to amuse her , and to gain time till he might receive advice from the constable , how to dispose of her ; for he had sent him a letter by a courier for that purpose , to inform him , that his wife was at brussels ; and in answer to it , the constable earnestly desired him to seize and apprehend her . he acquitted himself immediately of his commission , and carried her to a convent , from whence she was not to depart , unless she would consent to be shipt for spain , as they desired her . when she was at madrid she delay'd , upon several pretences , to take the religious habit upon her ; she loved her liberty , and was desirous still to enjoy it : but the constable being informed of her arrival , sent don fernand de colonna , his natural brother , with letters to the king , and the ministers , wherein he beseech'd them , that either by fair means , or violence they would oblige his lady to enter into a convent . this necessity seemed very hard to her ; nevertheless she submitted to it , and retired to the monastery de santo domingo el real , upon condition , that if she happened to come out of it , she would consent that the king should restore her to her husband . she continued there a long time , and sometimes in an evening she escaped out with one of her women , and often went to walk on foot in a white mantle in the prado , where she met with several pleasant adventures , because most of the women that come there are ladies-adventurers ; and some ladies of the best quality at court , take a mighty pleasure when they can go thither , and are not known . the constable colonna being come to madrid , in his way to arragon , whereof he was vice-roy , went every day to entertain her at this grate , and i have seen him show those gallantries to her , which a lover may show to his mistress . he departed in a very good understanding with her ; but when the queen made her entry , she having a great desire to behold her majesty , did not imagine they would hold her so strictly to the word she had given the king , that in case she ever quitted the place of her confinement , he should deliver her into her husband's hands : so without any more a-do , she went to the marchioness de los balbazez , her sister in law , who received her very kindly , and the marquess made her an entertainment that might have deceived a person of less faith than her self . seeing these fair appearances she thought no more of returning to santo domingo , but staid with the marchioness de los balbazez . all this while he secretly endeavoured to get an order from the king , and as soon as he had procured it , carried her to a convent within four leagues of madrid . so severe a procedure afflicted her as much as it is possible for a woman to be afflicted . she wrote to the queen to demand her protection ; and being informed , that the constable was come back from arragon , with his sons , she obtained a permission of the king to go into some monastery or other at madrid . but whether it were , that she was not content to be there , or that she had some other views in her head , she made her escape , and went strait to her husband's house : she lived in one half of it , made her court very regularly to the queen , visited abundance of ladies , and diverted her self very well . the constable left her an intire liberty to do what she pleased ; but when he was desirous to return to rome , he talked of carrying his lady along with him thither . she was mightily alarmed at it , and declared , that she would not go . the reason was , because she had got her nativity to be calculated , and it was told her , that if she had another child , she should die . this prediction was so fresh in her imagination , that she would rather chuse to return to her old place of retreat . the king was urgent with her to explain her meaning ; she sent him word back again , that she humbly requested him to grant her his protection , in the design she had to throw her self into a convent . the king judged it convenient , that the inquisitor general , don melchior navarra , and his confessor , should meet to determine this difference between the constable and his lady . the marquess de los balbazez sollicited so powerfully , that the iuncto concluded to ●end her to the castle of segovia . this he so passionately desired , that all the last year he was perpetually troubling his brain , how to do her some ill office. but the constable of castile , and the admiral , set themselves all they could to oppose it ; and they were not able to obtain an order for it . they had never obtained one , if the duke de medina celi had not been an enemy to the constable's lady . she being informed of what had past against her , and what reasons she had to apprehend some mischief from her enemies , cast her self at the queen's feet , and conjured her , with tears in her eyes , not to abandon her in this distress , but to engage the chief minister to pass his word , that nothing should be attempted against her as long as the court was at the escurial . the queen interposed in this affair , as i have already mentioned ; but notwithstanding all this precaution , within eight days after her departure , a counsellor of the council royal , with his officers , accompanied by the constable colonna , and the marquess de los balbazez , who performed the office of bailiffs , being all armed , as if they had been going to apprehend a ring-leader of robbers , rather than an unfortunate lady , who was not capable of making the least resistance , went about eleven a clock at night to break open the doors of her apartment , although it was within her husband's house . she was in her chamber , when immediately an alcalde of the court pretended to tie her arms with a cord : seeing her self used after so ignominious a manner , she took up a little knife , which lay accidentally upon the table ; and as she defended her self , gave him a cut in the hand . this resistance made the rest of the company fall upon her with that barbarous fury , that they dragged the poor lady , half naked , as she was , by the hairs of her head , and so they forced her away , like one of the most miserable of her sex. she was conducted after this manner all night long to the castle of segovia , without expressing the least consideration either for her birth or reputation , although she had given them no occasion to treat her thus ; for in fine , she was actually at that time in her husband's house , and her only crime was , her refusing to return to rome with the constable , although she offered to go into a convent , without having the liberty ever to leave it . most persons pitied her sorrowful condition , and took it ill that they broke their promise to the queen , and that they durst employ the king's name , only to satisfie the malice and animosity of the marquess de los balbazez . it was for his sake principally that they used this persecution towards the constable's lady ; for her husband was one of the best conditioned men in the world : he loved her , and as he had formerly given her his consent to stay several years in a religious house ; so without question he had not now opposed the conditions she desired , if it had not been for the marquess de los balbazez . he alone managed this affair , and sollicited the duke de medina celi in the constable's name ; and that minister thinking by this means to oblige both of them , gave his consent to what was demanded of him . nevertheless it was a surprising thing , that he used so rude a conduct towards the constable's lady ; it had been a more generous and manly part , to endeavour to reconcile the present differences , than to imprison a lady who was to be mother in law to his own daughter . he ought to have considered , that a husband and wife are easily brought to accommodate matters ; and that if ever they came to be friends again , his daughter would fall into the hands of the constable's lady , who would then be in a condition to revenge her self upon her for the injuries he had done her . he might reasonably imagine , that as she was rich , and had a great number of near relations , who made a considerable figure in the world : so they would never see her opprest , without regretting her misfortunes , and interesting themselves in her quarrel : that they would vigorously endeavour to procure her her liberty , and that at the bottom , when he came to cast up his accounts , he himself would get nothing but ill will by it . this affair made a great noise in the world : i knew every particular circumstance of the story , because i was intimately acquainted with this unfortunate lady , and knew her to be of a good disposition , and not given to speak ill of other people , and , as it was truly said of her , she was never an enemy to any one but her self . indeed it were to be wished , she had been mistress of more discretion , and had not been of so easie a temper as to believe those persons who advised her ill . she was very lovely , although she was not in the prime of her youth ; her eyes were lively , quick and piercing , her teeth admirable , her hair blacker than jet , and in a great quantity ; her stature noble , and her leg well shaped . the queen being informed of her misfortunes , was mightily concerned at them , and continued to be very angry with the duke de medina c●li , for not keeping his promise to her . the calamities occasioned by the plague , were not the only evils which the people of spain suffered . the publick poverty spread it self farther still , for the scarcity of provisions continued , and no remedies were applied to rectifie these disorders . no alteration was made in the government , and the chief minister seemed to be possessed with a lethargy . every body hung down his head , and men were so enfeebled , that they had scarce strength enough to lift up their eyes and hands to heaven to implore its assistance and relief . the past and present miseries made them apprehend what was to follow ; every one made melancholy reflections upon the sad condition of affairs , which carried them further than they desired : but to compleat the general calamity , after they had for six weeks together beheld terrible inundations that did a world of mischief in several goodly cities , these accidents were followed by an earthquake , which happened two days after the king's departure to the escurial . we perceived it at madrid on the th . of october , between six and seven a clock in the morning ; it was so violent , that it made a general concussion , and the most resolute persons were possess'd with fear . this extraordinary motion was perceived all the kingdom over , and even at lisbon , and the other parts of portugal ; but the city of malaga found the saddest effects , and sustained the greatest loss by it . this city is situated in the kingdom of granada upon the coasts of the mediterranean sea , within twenty five leagues of the streights , at the foot of a mountain , upon the top of which stands a castle that commands the town and the port. it is large , well peopled , and rich , by reason of the considerable trade they drive in spanish wine , oyl , citrons , fruits , and other commodities , which draw a vast number of vessels to that port. its fortifications , although they are old , are very good , and are adorned with several stately buildings , which are remainders of the magnificence of the moors , and the cathedral church was formerly the principal mosque . they perceived there a great trembling of the earth , which lasted but a few moments , however the concussions were so violent , that they caused a general fear and desolation in in the city by the strange disorders it occasioned . the harbour , and the walls on the same side , with their bulwarks , towers , and ramparts were overthrown ; the sea was in so extraordinary an agitation , that the fishes every where leapt out of the water ; the vessels that were in the port were lifted up above twenty foot high , and all their sides crack'd as if they had been in a real tempest , so that the mariners believed they were unavoidably lost . fifteen convents of men and women were ruined after that manner , that scarce one stone lay-upon another ; and in that of the observance of st. francis , there were fourteen persons buried in the ruins . this magnificent church , which had been enlarged and beautified in the year . leaned several times on its two sides ready to overturn , and yet received no damage , which the inhabitants took for a miracle . houses were sorely battered , and more than ruined . 't is easie to judge what a vast number of persons must have been killed , hurt , and buried in this confusion . as soon as the earthquake had ceased , the bishop , followed by his clergy , and a great multitude of people , went in procession to the church , to implore the divine commiseration . assuredly in these sorts of occasions the most irreligious hardned persons pray heartily and sincerely . the inhabitants being affrighted , retired into the country , fearing to be overwhelmed in the city by some new concussion , but several houses fell down all about malaga ; a great mountain was perfectly overthrown , the earth opened in abundance of places , and cast up the water in such prodigious quantities , that great torrents were occasioned by it , which swelled the rivers so as to make them overflow their banks . 't was observable that the wall of the church d' albavrin opened it self the breadth of four foot , and afterwards closed again , so that the place where this fissure happened , could not be discerned . the jasper pillars in the same church were removed from their pedestals , but afterwards returned to their old place , and sustained no damage . at the city of velez malaga the earth opened and swallowed up a river which runs near it , after this it closed again with so terrible a noise , and threw up the water with so great a violence , that it rose above ten pikes higher than the houses , and had like to have overwhelmed every thing when it fell down . several cities here were entirely overthrown , and the earthquake did a great deal of mischief at sevil , corduba , and at iaen , where palaces and churches , and many houses were ruined . it is impossible for any thing in nature to be more terrible than this was , for no body knew where to save themselves , and death seemed to pursue them where-ever they fled . a few days after this earthquake , there happened at night a tempestuous storm , which overturned part of the roof of the escurial , broke the crystal windows of the king's apartment , and tore up abundance of trees in the garden by the roots . the king perceiving the queen to be affrighted at it , was so complaisant as to rise with her , and sent for some company to come to her chamber , and comfort her a little . it has been a custom long ago established in spain , that when any thing happens , the truth of which they cannot immediately discover , for the ministers to suspect that france had a hand in it . thus they had received certain advice , that the count d'estrées had sailed with several men of war in his company for the west-indies , and therefore they presently concluded , that it was he who burnt porto-bello ; but they were informed of the contrary by two vessels , which were arrived from the honduras at the port of cales , laden with six thousand chests of indigo , and two hundred thousand piasters . these brought word , that some bucaniers , commanded by an english-man , had landed at the port de bastimentos , and after five days march in the mountains , had attacqued porto-bello ; that the spanish garrison threw away their arms , and retired without fighting a stroke into the citadel ; that a poor negro , who was seventy years old , had marched out of it , followed by twenty five soldiers , and made a brave resistance , but was killed upon the place , being abandoned by his men. the bucaniers carried away thirty six thousand crowns , and all the booty they were able to take with them . in fine , having passed the gulf of darien , and being conducted by the indians that were enemies to the spaniards , they arrived through unknown ways in nine days to the south sea , within a league of panama : they imbarked in this place in some cano●s , and passed by port de perico , where they made themselves masters of three vessels , and several ba●ks . they went from thence to pillage the suburbs of panama , the garrison of which place , without making any resistance , retired to a bastion , with the president and the auditors of the exchequer . the bucaniers continued some days masters of the sea , but at last departed , upon information that a relief of four hundred men was coming from cartagena , and that two vessels were setting sail from lima , to oppose their designs . the council of the indies , highly provoked against the spanish soldiers , who had shewd so little courage upon this occasion , assembled at madrid , and resolved to send three hundred veterane soldiers to reinforce the garrisons . they gave full authority to don melchior navarra , who was named to go vice-roy for peru , to condemn without appeal the officers and other soldiers that were found guilty , and to decimate them , in case he found them all in fault , as it was believed here . it was no small mortification to them to hear of the taking of a vessel belonging to the king of spain , the lading whereof was computed to be worth four hundred thousand crowns in goods . six ships of the elector of brandenburgh took her near oftend . this prince was highly enraged at the ill treatment of his envoy , and it seems the menaces he gave them just as he left madrid , were not without effect . 't was believed here , that he had done himself too much justice ; but others , who considered this action without prejudice , were agreed , that it was but natural for the elector of brandenburgh to make recourse to violence , after the unfair measures they had kept with him , which he had so much the less reason to expect , because he was devoted to the interests of the house of austria , and had chiefly supported it in the last war. but if these reasons served to excuse him , there were others that laid some blemish upon him , to use such an action of hostility towards a king , with whom he was in peace , and who had never failed on his side to satifie him , unless he had been utterly uncapable of paying him : that at the very time when the envoy from brandenburgh demanded the money , the king of spain had not enough to defray th● expenses of his houshold , and that if h●●ad been in other circumstances , he had de●●t better by him . the court was not a ●●tle troubled at this infraction of the peace , and now they had a fresh argument to grie●e them . they were informed that the portugu●ses pretended to keep the island of st. gabriel to themselves , and that although buenosaires lay so near it , yet they were in a condition to maintain themselves there . the coast of brasil lying to near favoured them , as well as the river , whose channel is so very narrow in that place , that it was an easie matter to command it , and to hinder all commerce . the portugueses it seems had entred the river de plata ; and all these circumstances were the more afflicting , because it was certainly known that a squadron of brandenburghers was gone for the indies . this affair was much talked of , and the council met about it : but those that were well acquainted with the genius of the spanish nation , were satisfied that the alarm would not last very long , because at court they look upon dangers , that are at any distance , but as so many things that will never happen . the king and queen being come back to madrid from the escurial , every one was very forward to make his court to them ; and on the fourth of november , which was the festival of st. charles , his majesty went to the chappel in the palace , where the embassadors of crowned heads appeared to complement him , and several of the grandees of spain , who kissed his hand according to the custom . the king was dress'd in a suit , the ground-stuff whereof was black , with flowers of gold , embroidered with pearls , and a large diamond in the midst of every flower . his chain , to which the order of the fleece was fastened , glittered with several emeralds half a finger long . the queen-mother writ to the queen in the morning , desiring her to dress her self that day after the french fashion . the queen carried this billet to the king , and after she had read it to him , asked him , if he would agree to it ? he told her , she look'd so pretty in her spanish dress , that he pray'd her not to quit that habit on a day of rejoycing . the king took away the receipt and administration of the revenues of madrid from the corregidors and regidors , when he knew their cheats and villanies . he entrusted the management of them to a council composed of four persons , don lopez de los rios , don andrea villaran , don francisco carillo , and don ioseph benavidez ; and empowred them to make the regidors give them an account of their administration . they were accused to have gotten the sum of eight hundred thousand crowns by the expences of the queen's entry , and by the building of the new bridge at toledo , which was carried away by the waters of the mancanares . at the same time the collecting of the imposts upon wine , victuals , and coals , was taken away from them . these alterations diminished the profits of their offices so mightily , that they could scarce get any people to bid six thousand ducats for them , whereas before this reformation it was an usual thing to give ninety thousand , although the sallaries were not above six hundred ducats . the chief minister had sent a commissioner some months before to the frontiers of biscay , to adjust the rights of both sides with the french , but he being fond of his commission , endeavoured to prolong it , and so decided none of the differences . there were some regiments at bayonne posted all along the river of bidassoa , and some brigandines blocked up the mouth of it to hinder the inhabitants of fontarabia from all manner of traffick . they could not go out to fish , or commit any of those acts of hostility , to which they had been so long accustomed : and now they were given to understand that they should be kept thus imprisoned till the court of spain had consented to a reasonable accommodation . whilst matters continued in this posture , the brigandines pretended to go away ; immediately the biscayners began to fish , but the french coming back upon them , carried them away prisoners , and made themselves masters of their barks . as soon as this news was brought to madrid , the ministers began to exclaim that this was an unheard of violence , and such an infraction of the peace , as was never to be endured . but his most christian majesty ordered his ambassador to acquaint them that they then ought to remove the difficulties , which occasion'd so many disorders ; or till they were regulated to consent to follow the decisions which the commissioners of france had made after the treaty of peace . a person of the first quality who had followed the king to the escurial , and came back from thence before him , told us , that he had strong conjectures to believe that the duke de medina celi had fallen out with the queen mother . however , few persons suspected it at that time ; but after the return of the court to madrid , it was plain and visible . some people pretend that the duke was wearied with the great number of creatures , whom the queen-mother daily recommended to him , and to whom he was forced to distribute part of his favours ; that now he did not look upon her as any longer necessary to support his fortune , and therefore was not willing to grant the frequent demands she made him ; that in order to break off with her all at once , he found it convenient to visit her no more , but express a great coldness towards her . on the contrary , there were other persons that said , that it was occasion'd by the queen-mother her self , who was not able to constrain her self so far as to suffer the presence of a man who minded nothing but how to advance his family or friends , and never show'd any civilities to her . there were others still that were of opinion , that the duke's behaviour towards the queen-mother was not the result of his own inclinations , but proceeded from the suggestions of don geronimo d' eguya , and indeed it might be so , if it were not for the two following reasons : the first is because there was not the least appearance of any particular motive to engage him to desire a rupture between the queen-mother and the duke ; the other is , that supposing he had such a design , yet d' eguya did not at that time stand so firm in the king 's good graces , as that the chief minister should think it worth his while to give him so great a proof of his deference : nay 't is certain that they had a pique against one another for some time , the subtle insinuating humour of d' eguya made him always embrace the interests of the most fortunate , and he found himself under certain circumstances , which advised him not to press too far , for fear of disobliging the chief minister . but notwithstanding the coldness which passed between them , the king when he was at the escurial , told d' eguya one day very angrily , that if he was not more punctual for the future , to come and help him in the dispatches , he would do all the business with vibanco , who was secretary to the chamber , and for whom the king shew'd inclination enough . the duke immediately , whether out of generosity or politick , excused de eguya so handsomely , that he set him right in the king's favour again ; and this obligation , for which de eguya was indebted to him , made them be in a good understanding with one another . de eguya finding himself so well with the duke , confirmed him in all the dispositions he already had , not only in regard to the queen-mother , but also to the young queen , he represented to him , that these two princesses could do nothing for him ; that the king would take it well , to find him testifie a devotion only to his own person , and that he would answer him with his affection better when he saw it was not divided . his true design in speaking to him after this manner , was only to keep him to himself , that so the chief minister might repose an intire confidence in him . in fine , they were both agreed , that in order to render the duke an absolute master , it would be necessary for him to resolve to refuse the two queens whatever offices or employments they begged for their creatures . the duke imagined that this counsel proceeded from a true motive of zeal , which he thought abounded in de eguya , and believed him so heartily , that he would do nothing but by his advice . the duke was generally complained of , for suffering himself to be managed like a child , by the only man of spain , who as he was a person of the greatest courtship , so he was likewise of the least sincerity . to pursue his project of disgusting the queen mother , the chief minister ordered pensions to be given to several persons who were directly opposite to her ; the duke de villa hermosa , who had got enough in flanders , and the duke of alva , were in this number . the marquess de astorgas was made master of the ordonance , although he was comptroller of the queen's houshold ; and that single place , with the wealth he had heaped up in the kingdom of naples , might very well suffice a man of his age. the chief minister afterwards assigned pensions to the women of the dutchess de medina celi , out of the bolsillo , which is a sort of a privy purse for the king's house , and other private expences . he gratified several of his own domesticks after the same manner , whilst those belonging to the king lay under such great necessities , that they found themselves obliged to quit his service for meer want and poverty . the duke de medina celi gave one proof of his power , which succeeded a great deal better than one could have believed . on the th of n●vember , he married one of his relations , whose name was don augustine henriquez de gusman , a cadet of the house of gusman , very poor , and of little or no merit , to donna laura , only daughter to the duke de montalte , who was but fifteen years old , and so rich , that she was looked upon to be the best match in all spain , as well upon the account of her fathers vast estate , as those of the marquess de los velez , and the count de oropeza , whose fortunes she was to inherit , in case they had no children . this affair was the work of the dutchess de medina celi : don augustine de gusman had waited upon her with so much assiduity , that to recompence his services , she procured this marriage for him . all the world was extreamly surprised at it ; but no body could comprehend upon what considerations the duke de montalte consented to sacrifice his daughter to policy . the marquess de los velez , the count de oropeza , and all the rest of their family were hereupon mightily enraged at the duke de medina celi ; they quitted his interests , which they had hitherto embraced with zeal , and they openly declared , that they would resent so dishonourable an alliance as long as they lived . the count de oropeza made particular complaints against the duke , because he had contributed more than any one to his elevation , and that if he had been minded to have taken advantage of the favourable dispositions his majesty had to him , it is certain , that when don iuan was dead , he might have been made chief minister , notwithstanding he was so young : but as he had a great respect for the duke , he imagined , that if he vigorously assisted him upon so important an occasion , he would always remember him for his services ; and that if he did not govern by himself , he should at least govern by his friend . in this he found both repose and security together , he flattered himself with disposing of favours , and being defended from the aversion of the people . these reflections engaged him to employ all his wit , and all his credit with the king , to declare the duke his chief minister . but for all this obligation , which was transcendent , and for which he was highly indebted to him , he did not act fairly with relation to the daughter of the duke de montalte ; for altho the count de oropeza was her uncle , yet he knew nothing of her marriage . the marchioness de los velez , grand-mother to this young lady , was no better informed of it ; they were married privately without any ceremony , for fear least any one should come to disturb the feast . the king and queen , being willing to divert themselves , went to prado , to hunt there till st. andrews day ; they came back from thence , by reason the queen-mother had a slight indisposition upon her , and they were desirous to visit her every day . about this time don philip vinzani , an able chymist , who came from naples to madrid , with don pedro de arragon , received orders from the chief minister to examine the money , which had been cried down some months before , in order to separate the silver from the brass . it was pretended , that the king by this means , would get six millions of peices of eight , and that he would employ them to send considerable forces to sea ; for the pope was willing , that the money which was to be collected by the bulls of the crusade , should be laid out to equip a fleet , to make war against the corsairs of barbary . at the same time they were apprehensive that the vessels sent to the indies had suffered shipwrack , because they had received advice , that one of them arrived very much shattered at barbadoes , and they could not hear any news of the rest . although it is the custom of spain for the king to dine with the knights of the golden fleece on st. andrew's day , his majesty dispensed with it , to take the diversion of hunting . as he came back from prado , towards the evening , the two queens went out to meet him , and conducted him to the admiral of castile's house , where they had passed the time ever since noon . this nobleman , who was always generous and magnificent , being informed that he was to receive this honour , ordered the basons of several fountains to be encompassed with large silver pots , filled with all manner of victuals , flowers and fruits as the season produced , and the diversity joyned to the order had a very agreeable effect upon the eye . in all the summer-houses which terminated the walks , there were little tables set out with pieces of cristal , agate , cornelian , tapistry of gold and vermilion , having all sorts of things in basons after the same manner as the tables had . he got all sorts of fruit counterfeited , particularly of grapes which hung with their leaves and branches in the grottas , they were composed chiefly of little carbuncles of a pomgranet colour , topazes , and amethysts , and nothing could look finer or prettier . the two queens received a mighty satisfaction at this walk . as soon as the king was arrived , they went into the house , where fifteen ladies and as many cavaliers immediately appeared , drest after the fashion of the country . the ladies came at first in their mantles tabados , that is to say , all their face was covered except one eye . the cavaliers for their part wore their cloaks up to their noses , and their hats over their eyes ; this was a sort of masquerade , and to divert their majesties they talked with their fingers , and by signs for some time , with all the several turns and jestures that are used in this kind of dumb conversation : afterwards the ladies quitted their mantles , and the lords their cloaks , and began to dance a saraband after the moorish fashion , holding one another with taffata skarfs of different colours , and quitting them sometimes to carry flambeaus in their hands . the women wore little caps on their heads , covered with plumes that were raised up on the sides very high . when the saraband was finished , the ladies kissed the queens hand , and the cavaliers the king 's ; their majesties were pleased to declare , that they were extreamly satisfied with this pretty entertainment . the duke de medina celi , and the constable of castile , knowing what honour the king had done the admiral , desired him that he would condescend to come and divert himself at their houses , whither he went along with the two queens . there were comedies there , and artificial fire-works , and a noble collation : they omitted nothing that might testifie their joy upon this occasion , and their acknowledgment of so great a favour . on the second of december the king demanded a supply of mony of all the councils , and a hundred thousand pieces of eight of the council of italy . he proposed to fell some places to raise this summ , because it was impossible to be raised any other way . the king being informed that abundance of people died of several distempers at port st. mary , which were chiefly occasioned by the great scarcity of provisions , told the duke de medina celi , that some way or other must be found out to remedy these miseries , and that he could not endure to hear any more talk of them ; that they had been of a long standing , which made him inclined to believe that all this proceeded from meer negligence . the duke replied that he would not lose one moment to redress them , and that if his life would do the people any good , he was free to sacrifice it . he went home very melancholy , and having retired into his closet with his dutchess , i have a great desire , says he to her , to abandon every thing , i slave and kill my self here with business , and after all meet with nothing but reproaches for my pains . when you have once brought things into a good condition , says she , you may quit them if you please ; but if you leave them at present , all the world will conclude that it is through weakness . she added so many reasons to these , that she made him take courage again , altho' he was mightily dejected . the marquiss de priego , his son-in-law being come to madrid to see him , as he entred the room hit himself a little blow on the temples against the edge of a cabinet , he was immediately seized with a bleeding at the nose , and died of it within a short time after . our ambassador prevailed with the king to give his consent to appoint a judge conservator , whose only business should be to look after all affairs relating to the french nation . the business was decided at last in madrid , in favour of constable colonna , upon the difference he had with the roman knights , subjects to the king of spain , about the priority they pretended to dispute with him in the cavalcade , which is every year performed to present the pope with a white mare , and a common scedule for the kingdom of naples , which the king of spain holds in fief of the holy see. his catholick majesty's council had delay'd to regulate this affair ever since the year . when the roman barons perceived that it was not determined in favour of them , they searched new occasions to get the sentence revoked ; and to succeed in their designs , they united themselves with the heads of the papal families , to write all of them together to madrid about the matter : when the king was told of it , he only answered , what is judged is judged . the marquis de liche , ambassador from spain , at rome fell sick ; he sent immediately for the pope's physician to come to him , and when his friends demanded of him why he chose him before his own , i am so weary of my life , says he , that i purposely send for one , who will soonest kill me , if it were only to please his master . the pope being informed of this answer , sent one of the gentlemen of his chamber to visit him , and ordered him to tell the marquis , that he desired his health as much as he did his absence , and by that he might judge whether he wished his recovery or no. about the beginning of december there was a great earthquake in the province of salerne , as also at naples , and the places about it , nevertheless it did no damage . it was commonly said at madrid , that the queen-mother had engaged the king to nominate cardinal nitard to be vice-roy of naples , and that she hoped in a short time to see her two favorites with her . the cardinal was the first , and the marquiss de valenzuela the second . the marquiss de los velez , who had no desire to quit his place , sent the king ( in order to six himself in his good graces ) a stately coach of admirable sculpture , and embroidered all over most delicately . but although the king had so many fine coaches by him , i never saw him in any of them ; he just cast his eyes upon them , and then they were shut up in a coach-house , where time and the dust absolutely spoiled them ; the king rather loves to ride in great coaches of green linnen waxed over , made after the same fashion with ours , and which a simple citizen of paris would not vouchsafe to go in . the marquiss de los velez sent him likewise some neapolitan horses , but so finely shaped , that nothing certainly ever came near them . few days passed wherein the king and queen did not go a hunting , or else to see a play ; they went to buen retiro to behold some dutchmen skate upon the ice after the fashion of their country . some ladies sent to acquaint the queen that if her majesty would permit them to appear masked , because they had no mind to be known , they would show her better sport than she had hitherto seen . they were told that they might come if they pleased , and immediately they went upon the ice in short petticoats , fine shooes and stockings , and pattins after the dutch manner ; they danced a saraband with castanets to admiration , moving as nimbly as the dance would allow them ; but the ice not being equally thick in all places , broke under one of them , and let her fall into the water , where she had certainly been drowned , if people had not come to her help immediately . having lost her mask by this mischance , they saw she was a ve●y deformed old woman , who was near threescore years old . when the queen was told of it , she smiled and answered , that at that age it was lawful for any one to go masked . the two queens on st. nicholas's day made a present of precious stones to the dutchess d' albuquerque , because it was her birth-day . she offered them in way of return , some curiosities of great value , and particularly a prayer-book to the young queen which was incomparably well painted , with golden clasps , and adorned with diamonds . it being now towards the end of the year , i went ( according to the custom ) to wish her majesty a happy new year , she was drest in a slight stuff of white wool , and had a prodigious quantity of large pearls about her ; she sat near a great vessel full of olive stones , and turning over the leaves of the prayer-book which the dutchess d' albuquerque had given her , did me the honour to shew it me . see , says she , here are henry the fourth , and mary de medicis on their knees , stretching out their arms in their oratory ; it is certain that this book was made for one of them . i was desirous to know by what accident it came into spain , and told her that perhaps queen elizabeth brought it thither . upon this she called for the dutchess d' albuquerque , and asked her how she came by it . the dutchess told her she could not tell , but only that she had received it of her mother . the queen said to me afterwards , are you not surprized to find me drest in white wollen ; 't is a small sort of devotion which the king and i perform , but no body shall know the reason of it . ab madam , reply'd the dutchess de pastrane , we all of us take the liberty to divine . how says the queen , without mistaking ? no , i am not positive said the dutchess . and for you , said she to me , have you guess'd at the true cause ? yes madam , very easily , reply'd i , and all spain joyns its vows with yours . don't you know , says the queen smiling , that this is none of the best places in the world to play the sorceress in , and that we have a horrible inquisition here ? the king entred the room at that moment , so the queen rising up , told him with a chearful air , that she had two sorceresses to shew him ; and that the dutchess de pastrane and i had divined the mystery of her white habit. the king , although in all appearance he seemed to be in a good humour , looked so angrily upon us , and particularly upon my self , whom he knew to be a french-woman , that i made a profound reverence , and went immediately out of the queen's apartment . an order was here published to raise the price of money , which was reduced to a fourth part of its value . although the duke de medina celi was indisposed , yet he did not neglect to inform himself diligently of every thing that happened , and he was not a little troubled to hear that the plague began to rage again at port st. mary . the scarcity and poverty of this country was so extreamly great , that several persons died daily for want. and the duke de medina-cidonia was obliged to send corn from andaluzia thither . the misery was not less at naples . the pope's nuncio , by his holiness's order , summoned the superiours of all the regular houses hither , to oblige them to give the city some relief in corn. they granted two in a hundred of their revenue , and it was hoped that what with this money , and what with the charities they drew from private persons , they would remedy these pressing necessities : but after some time , cardinal caracchioli , arch-bishop of naples , acquainted the marquess de los velez by his vicar general , that the pope would not suffer the tax of two in the hundred to be raised any longer upon the ecclesiastical revenues . thus the vice-roy found himself disappointed in his designs of raising two hundred thousand crowns , which were to be laid out in corn , and likewise a more considerable sum that was to be sent to madrid . to augment the disorder , which was already great enough , the price of gold money diminished daily in the dutchy of bari , which totally hindred all commerce in the greatest part of the kingdom . on the th . of december they made a procession at naples , which is duly performed every year , to thank god for preserving this city from the flames of the mountain vesuvius . the body and blood of st. ianuarius , one of the protectors of naples , was carried about in this procession . the king was troubled with an ague for a few days towards the beginning of ianuary . it is impossible for any one to show the assiduity that the young queen made appear during the little time his indisposition lasted . two comedies were acted at court to divert his majesty after his recovery . on one of these days , the king having prohibited all persons , without exception , to sit upon the theatre ; the duke d'ossone placed himself there upon a heap of cushions , and would not depart . the king took no notice of it during the play , but as soon as it was over , he sent an order to him , to come no more to council or to court. he was not in the least pitied , since he had voluntarily drawn this misfortune upon himself , and because it was necessary to mortifie him a little . but what principally occasioned the king's severity , is , that he had observed in his journey to the escurial , that the duke , who was master of the horse to the queen , did not follow the court thither . a little after his return , he sent him word , that he expected him to wait more diligently for the future ; the duke took no notice of this advice , and as he was one of the haughtiest men in the world , affected a certain negligence in the discharge of his office , which obliged the king to acquaint him by a note from the secretary of state , that if he did not behave himself better for the time to come , he would dispose of his place to some body else . he might easily have judged from this , that the king had his eye fixed upon him , and at least ought to have taken care of himself for some time , but his natural haughtiness would not suffer him to comply with this constraint . the duke de medina celi did not pass all his moments with content ; he was envied for the high post he enjoyed , and d'eguya was mortally hated : both of them had powerful enemies , and amongst these were reckoned the duke de veraguas , the duke de pastrane and his two brothers , the admiral of castile , the prince de stillano , the count de monterey , the count d'oropeza , and the marquess de mansera . they frequently met together , and made severe reflections upon the unequal conduct of the duke de medina-celi ; they observed that he was too irresolute when there was an occasion for constancy ; too lazy , when he ought to be diligent ; and too positive , when he was justly and reasonably opposed . they examined the present state of the kingdom , the misery of the people , and the little appearances there were that he would redress them . they proposed expedients to remedy all these grievances , and likewise to prevent those that might happen ; but as it was not the publick good alone that made them thus inquisitive , but their private interest animated them , they took all of them different measures to attain the particular ends they proposed to themselves . it is true indeed , they all concurred in the destruction of the chief minister , but when he was removed out of the way , every one was desirous to make the best advantages of it for himself ; and thus this narrow spirit of self-interest which was so predominant in their cabals , hindred them from uniting with that sincerity , that makes great affairs succeed happily . amongst these noblemen the admiral was most forward to desire an alteration : he had not forgot the sweetness he had tasted in that short interval , when the marquess de valenzuela was the queen-mother's favourite : the remembrance of that golden time made him desirous of another like it ; for though he was a person of a great estate , yet his expences were so extraordinary , that if he had been a great deal richer , he would have been always in debt . he desired therefore to contribute what in him lay to the setting up of another minister , in order to find his accounts in it ; not that he designed to heap up any money , but to throw it out of the windows , and squander it away , if he could but get enough to serve so . he carefully look'd about him to find out a fit and capable person to be advanced to this honour ; and at last , the count d' oropeza seemed to be the most proper to accomplish his designs : for he did not doubt but that those particular marks of esteem his majesty always shewed him , would have their effect , in case he were supported by a powerful party . on the other hand , the count de monterey , who wanted neither youth , wit , nor ambition , whose whole deportment was agreeable and court-like , who had been concerned in the management of several affairs , who was laborious and vigilant , took only resolute and secret persons into his party . he had the justest occasions in the world to be displeased with the duke de medina celi , and don geronimo d' eguya his mortal enemy had done him a great deal of wrong before the king. he had painted the action and character of this count in such black colours , that the young queen designing to do him some good offices , and speaking very advantageously of him to his majesty , he told her , that monterey might reckon himself happy enough , that he wore his head upon his shoulders still . the count was sensibly disgusted to see the duke de villa hermosa , who had been governour of flanders after him , and who had even served under his orders , made counsellor of state at his arrival at madrid , and himself consequently excluded after so disobliging a manner . besides this , he saw that the marquess de liche , his brother was detained at rome against his will , although he daily petitioned to be called home . this gave the count a new occasion to complain , and made him sensible of the ill dispositions they had at court to his brother and himself . the marchioness de liche , who was beautiful and young , threw her self frequently at the king's feet , to demand of him the return of her husband , who was continually indisposed at rome , whether it were because the air did not agree with him , or that his uneasiness to be kept there by force , contributed to destroy his health . what makes the case harder , is , that she did not request to have him come back to madrid , but only that he might have permission to live in any of his majesty's dominions . the greater part of the councellors of state were agreed in favour of the marchioness , and her prayers had certainly met with success , if the enemies of the marquess de liche had not taken all opportunities to confirm the king in the opinion he had already of him , that he was a man of the most incurable ill temper in the world , and that it was not possible for him to permit him to come home , without hazarding the peace of all the court. we may therefore easily apprehend , that the count de monterey had reason enough to be angry with the duke de medina-celi and d' eguya ; and his resentments as well as his ambition made him passionately wish to see another in the place , that he might effectually revenge himself upon the duke , whom he hated , and might have access enough to the new favourite , to be able through his means to be introduced into the council of state , and push on his own fortune . he imagined himself capable of doing it by his merits and good management ; but although he might with justice aspire to the most high and difficult posts , he was obliged to conceal his desires and intentions , because he found people's eyes were still upon him , and that several who made a solemn profession to be his friends , served only as so many spies to watch him . this consideration prevailed with him to put that restraint upon himself , as to live in a sort of retirement , and that with so much circumspection , as to discover his designs almost to no body . nay , he affected to visit the duke de medina celi , and having found him one day more easie of access than was usual with him , he freely declared to him , that it was not without the greatest impatience that he beheld the preference the duke de villa hermosa met with , to be made privy-counsellor , and himself excluded . the duke answered him , that he might expect his turn one day , and upon this shewed him some civility , which perswaded the count to believe , that he had now perhaps a greater kindness for him than formerly . this reason engaged him to make his court regularly to him , and to devote himself to him , at least in appearance . the duke de veraguas , sensible of the affront he had received in losing the vice-roy-ship of valentia , had no other motive to induce him to think of the removal of the chief minister , but only an expectation that he who succeeded him in that place , would do him more justice , than the duke de medina celi had done : for although the duke de veraguas was descended of an illustrious family , as being of the house of portugal , and that besides his youth , he had a great deal of merit and capacity , yet whatever importunities he made at court to be restored to his vice-roy-ship again , he was not able to obtain it . he had received absolution privately from the apostolick nuncio for having ordered the monk to be executed , who had quitted his habit , and was made captain of the banditti . it was believed , that having now appeased the pope , this would facilitate his re-establishment ; he daily presented his petitions to the council , he demanded of them , that if he were a criminal , they would treat him as such , that his tryal might come on , and that his head might answer for the faults he had committed ; but that if after a strict examination of his conduct , they found he had served his majesty well , they would not deny him the justice that is allowed to the meanest souldier . his trouble and his requests were always equally unsuccessful , he found them perverse and prejudiced against him ; and so by this ill usage they obliged him to joyn with the male-contents . as for the duke de pastrane , he had not in the least been ill used at court , however he thought it sufficient ill treatment to be left without an employ . his wife , who was sister to the marquess de liche and the count de monterey , being provoked at what indignities those of her family had suffered , perswaded him to use all his efforts to get a new ministery established . the duke de pastrane voluntarily espoused this party , and his two brothers , whom he had made acquainted with the design , were resolved not to separate their interests from his ; one of them was named don gaspar , the other don ioseph de silva ; the last of these had a very great share in the king's affections , and his place of chief gentleman-usher procured him a great esteem and approbation . he had married the daughter of the marquess de mansera : but these three noblemen were guilty of a great solecism in this affair ; for they communicated the matter to don sebastian bibanco , secretary of the chamber , out of a presumption that he was of the same opinion with themselves , but herein they were mistaken ; for he was ●●finitely more devoted to the chief minister ●●an to them , and consequently no sooner knew any thing of importance , but he immediately discovered it to him . the marquess de mansera , grand master of the queen-mother's houshold , and her creature , desired for her sake as well as his own , to see the government molded into another form . he was a man well advanced in years , whose merit and experience might with justice prompt him to believe that he was fit to possess whatever place they would assign him in the ministry . he desired a iuncto to be erected , that he might be chosen a member of it : but knowing that his zeal for the queen-mother rendred him strongly suspected , and that he ran an extraordinary hazard if he appeared for himself , he judged it expedient to employ the marquess de grana , who was his brother-in-law and confident . so he discoursed him about the matter , and possessed him with a desire to take all necessary measures to effect it . the other having nothing to fear by reason of his quality of being ambassador , laboured very diligently in the affair , while the marquess de mansera expressed but a small concern for whatever happened at court , unless it were for the marquess grana's endeavours to contribute to his advancement . he seemed to be of opinion , that for the interests of the emperour his master , he was obliged to procure the prosperity of spain , which languished under an extream misery that extended it self farther than the limits of that kingdom : that it was impossible for the king to second the emperour in any of his designs , as long as the members of that great body were declining , and continued under the ill effects of a consumption , that made them utterly incapable of action ; that it was to no purpose to make any proposals to the ministers , because whatever they promised him was never executed . all these motives joyned together , excited him to make all possible advances to convince the duke of the necessity he lay under to erect a juncto . besides this he considered that the marquess de mansera wou'd not fail of making one of that number ; that he would manage himself in the council according to the directions he gave him , and that this would be the easiest way for him to succeed in all his enterprizes . he imagin'd that the best policy he could use to accomplish these designs , would be to use none at all , and so he addressed himself immediately to the duke de medina celi . he began with commending his zeal , his industry and pains , and afterwards passing into a more strict examination of every thing , he was desirous to make him comprehend , that the affairs of this monarchy were reduced to their last period , unless he took sure and ready methods to remedy them ; that he made a slave of himself in vain , since it was not possible for one single man to sustain ( like another atlas ) the weight of so many kingdoms ; that don louis de haro at a conjuncture of less difficulty , had composed a iuncto for his own ease , and herein followed the example of several great ministers who preceded him ; that a iuncto would serve to determine matters under the authority of the chief minister , to whom they would carry every thing almost digested in his hand , and that by this means business would go on cheerfully and speedily ; that at the present time , whatever good resolutions were taken , yet they continued without effect by reason of the general perplexity , which rendred those things difficult that appeared to be very easie ; that he ought to consider , that the most accomplished genius in the world , without great presumption , could never promise himself to move so ponderous a machine all alone , and that he therefore counselled him to take some seconds , of experience and ability sufficient , to make him repose one part of his affairs upon them . the chief minister relished these reasons of the marquiss de grana , promising to weigh the matter with deliberation , and afterwards if he saw good , to determine himself by the advice he had given him . this gave the ambassador good hopes , that his visit would meet with happy success ; and as he was a person of a great deal of wit , who knew how to set off any thing to the best advantage , and show it by the best lights , so he did not question but the duke de medina celi would lay hold of the expedients he had discovered to him ; but the chief minister had the weakness to discourse d' eguya about them ; who did not lose one moment to disswade him from this resolution . he represented to him , that if he composed a iuncto he went to give himself so many tutors ; that then he could decide nothing but in concert with them ; that he would find himself joyned with noblemen who were led by their own passions , blinded with their own interests , still pursuing their own ends , and turning every matter to their own private advantage ; that notwithstanding all this , he only must resolve to bear the brunt of all , and that every body having their eyes fixed upon him would pursue all his motions step by step ; that if any difficult juncture , any misfortune , or unexpected accident should happen , he alone must incur the reproach of it ; that the iuncto would never be called in question for ill events , but that they would all lye at the chief minister's door ; that it was very just and natural to think , that if he alone was responsible for all miscarriages , that then he alone deserved to enjoy the grandeur and advantages that are annexed to this place . he turned the duke's inclinations so happily by these reasons , that he resolved to follow them , notwithstanding the advice that was given him to the contrary ; so that when the marquess came to him with expectations to find him continue still in the same sentiments , and ready to put them in execution , he perceived that he was stedfast and inflexible in the other opinion , and that all the avenues to him were shut up and hindred . in the mean time the lords who had associated together to make a league against the duke , continued to assemble in private , and to debate of the expedients that were to be taken to convince the king of the necessity there was to chose another minister , or at least to erect a juncto ; but the greatest part of their time was generally spent in making long political discourses , and these same politicks hindered them so , that none of them offered to put himself at the head of the party . when the question was about setting up a chief , every one stood looking upon his neighbour ; they wanted that amity and confidence in one another which is necessary to cement these designs , and he that merited the greatest esteem , was sure to find the least friendship from the rest . envy reigned amongst them , sincerity was not observed ; and when their society was examined , there was nothing but vanity and weakness to be found at the bottom . amongst those who were most sensible of the ill management that was to be found in this cabal , the admiral of castile was one of the first . he easily discovered all the defects of the party , and found it was non sense to be longer engaged in it , since the bow was not drawn high enough to send the arrow to the butt . he was assured that the design would be discovered , and that then he should find himself very finely ruined ; that supposing it succeeded , and a juncto was set up , the marquess de liche would in all probability be made a member of it , and for his part rather than that should happen , he would chuse to go to hell , because he bore such an implacable hatred to him . this only idea , that now he contributed to procure an advantage for the marquess , turned his inclinations absolutely from the society into which he was entred ; in fine , after abundance of reflexions he totally abandoned it , and several people were strongly perswaded that he was not content to quit it , but that he went to the king , and acquainted him with the least particulars of what had passed there ; nay , that he gave the same advice to the duke de medina celi . the first victim the duke sacrificed to his resentments , was the count de monterey whether it were because his indignation was the more violent against him by reason of the friendship he always pretended to him , and now had violated ; or because he feared him more than any of the rest : so that notwithstanding the great security he imagined himself to be in for his circumspect conduct , the president of castile sent him word , that he had something to say to him , and therefore must see him that evening at court , ( for it must be observed by the way , that the presidents of castile never go to make any visits . ) the count was very glad to have this opportunity to discourse him , having some affairs to speak with him about , wherein he was concerned . but his joy lasted but a short time , for the president gave him an order contained in a billet from the king , and signed by don geronimo d' eguya , wherein it was specified that he must instantly retire to one of his country houses . he continued surprized for some time , and told the president that he was ready to obey it ; but that being a grandee of spain , he demanded an order signed by the king 's own hand , since it was the custom ; and that while he tarried for it , he would go to put his affairs in order . in short , he returned to his own house extreamly concerned , and got his equipage made ready , not at all doubting but that the order would be sent suddenly to him . he received it next day , which was the th of ianuary , accompanied with a permission to tarry three days longer in madrid . he passed them there amongst some of his friends , and afterwards parted for salamanca . few people pittied his case , because he was generally envied ; and when fortune leaves a man , few of his friends have generosity enough to declare themselves in favour of him , or to espouse his cause . he was the first person whom the duke de medina celi treated ill , and 't is believed he had not made him serve as an example for the rest , if d' eguya by his violent courses had not sowred that peaceable and sweet disposition that was so natural to the chief minister ; for he advised him to punish the count immediately , to be a warning to others ; and he was banished rather because he was not agreeable to d' eguya , and had too much merit , than because he was an enemy to the duke . the queen-mother secretly rejoyced at it , but could not so well conceal her satisfaction , but that it was evidently perceived . the count had quitted her party in iuan's time , and 't is very well known that he had several pressing obligations upon him to have used her after another manner ; for if he had been willing to have made the best advantage of his fortune , she had preferred him to valenzuela , and intrusted him with the management of her affairs . he had at least as many good qualities as the other could pretend to , and was of an illustrious extraction , but being a young man he neglected the advances the queen-mother made towards him . a certain person who knew the whole proceedings very well , told me that father nitard was scarce gone out of spain when she began to cast her eyes upon him intending to honour him with her confidence . on the festival of st. isidore , who is the patron of madrid , and on which day a bull-feast was celebrated at the expence of the city , the queen-mother asked the count whether he designed to combat the bulls , he told her no , unless her majesty would be pleased to order him . no , says she , i will by no means command you to do it , but is there ne'er a lady here in court , who has laid any such commands upon you ? if any of them had , reply'd he , your majesty may well imagine that i would not fail to give her this mark of my obedience . the queen cryed out jesus , jesus , count ! will you expose your life thus ? a few days after this she let a paper drop out of her hands as he was giving her an account of some affairs she had intrusted him with , he took it up , and kneeling upon one knee , presented it to her . perhaps , says the queen , you believe it is a paper of importance , come i 'll leave you to judge of that your self , open it . the count found the following words there . estoy toda la noche despierta sola , triste , y deseando : mis penas son martirios , mis martirios son gustos . that is to say , i pass all the night without sleeping , alone , pensive , and forming desires to my self : my pain is a martyrdom , but my martyrdom is a pleasure . the count read these words with so careless an air , that the queen who observed it , snatched the paper out of his hand , and said to him , go you insensible , and say your domine non sum dignus . the count was sensible of his fault , and indeavoured to repair it , but it succeeded a great deal worse with him . the queen-mother did not doubt but that he had some other engagement which he preferr'd to his fortune ; she informed her self of his conduct , and at last knew that he was desperately in love with the dutchess de monteleon . this was a young widow , beautiful and agreeable , but the queen prohibited her to come to court. the dutchess de terra nova her mother , was extreamly disgusted at it , and this was the occasion why she disengaged her self from the interests of the queen-mother , and joyned with iuan's faction . in the mean time the queen continued still enraged at the procedure of the count de monterey ; so that passing from the extremity of love to that of hatred , she gave him , during the remainder of her regency , all the mortifications she could think of . most people were displeased with the admiral of castile , and call him nothing but false brother , and false friend . nevertheless he would have it received for a certain truth , that he never had any intention to make the least discoveries , but that the king having sent for him , told him , that upon condition he would deal fairly and honestly by him , he would forgive him ; whereas on the contrary , if he went about to excuse himself , he was certainly undone ; that he knew every thing that had passed , even to the least circumstance , that the declaration he demanded of him was rather to know his heart , than to draw any new lights from him ; that when he would have denied every thing , the king prest him more earnestly than before ; so that upon that score he resolved to discover what related personally to himself , but that he had avoided as much as was possible to speak of his friends . to say the truth , whether he really excused the prince de stillano , or the court looked upon him to have made but an inconsiderable figure amongst the party , the chief minister did not make him feel the effects of his indignation . it is indeed as certain , that his punishment preceded his fault , and that having already lost his place of being president of the council of flanders , which was bestowed upon the count de monterey , he had some justice on his side to expect that they would suffer him to live in quiet . the banishment of the count de monterey so terribly affrighted the duke de pastrane his brother-in-law , that he thought of nothing else but how to get handsomly out of the intrigue : he follow'd the admiral 's steps , that is to say , he readily discovered whatever he knew of this affair , that he might better perswade the king of his sincerity and repentance . secretary vibaneo , to whom he opened himself , had already discovered the whole contrivance ; but in fine , he came soon enough to be favourably received ; his two brothers , who were concerned in the same cabal , imitated his example in reconciling themselves to the duke de medina celi , and they seemed in all appearance to embrace his interests with greater zeal than any of his best and oldest friends . nevertheless the duke de pastrane and his two brothers could not forbear to be a little troubled , for being looked upon by the world as timerous persons , who had only made these discoveries out of weakness and irresolution : this reason obliged them to use all imaginable means to make it be believed that they had told the king nothing ; but that having had the misfortune to communicate their designs to vibanco , he had sacrificed his friendship to make his court at their expence ; that the king had him ready to produce as a witness against them , that he had severely threatned them , and affixed their pardon only to their sincerity ; that they could not possibly avoid the doing of this at a juncture when they should otherwise have destroyed themselves without saving any body else ; and that if it had not been for these unhappy circumstances , they had never been capable of doing this injury to their friends . people hearkned to them , but gave no credit to their words ; nay , several of their friends reproached them very frankly for shewing so little courage and constancy upon this occasion . perhaps the duke de veraguas had escaped as well as the prince de stillano , and the loss of his vice-roy-ship had prevented the punishment they pretended he deserved , for joyning himself to a party against the chief minister : but he was impatient to be restored to his former dignity , and continually demanded justice at their hands ; he filled all his petitions with complaints , and loudly vented them against the duke de medina celi ; besides this , he earnestly importuned the king to assign him some judges , before whom he might justifie his conduct in condemning the relapsed monk , who had betaken himself to the banditti . so at last he was sent to the council of arragon , where he demanded to be re-established , as a piece of justice that could not be denied him , and pursued this affair with all possible vigour and heat : but on the third of february he received an order to withdraw presently to his estate in andaluzia . he begged leave to go to any other place , because the plague raged violently in that province ; but it was refused him , and he had only eight hours to prepare for his departure . one may say , it was only the ill fortune of the duke de veraguas that procured him all the ill usage he met upon the account of his vice-roy-ship : for it is a certain truth , that if there were a law to treat all people after the same manner who fail in their duty , abundance of persons had been severely punished , who were now gratified and encouraged for their pains : but his majesty was so exceedingly prejudiced against him , that one evening when the queen was demanding of him , whether it were true , that the duke de veraguas was banished : he answered , yes , and that all those should be treated in the same kind , who talked impertinently . this was sufficient to make the queen know how his inclinations stood , and as she was very prudent , she took care to change the discourse immediately . it was now sensibly perceived at court , that the duke de medina celi , and don geronimo d' eguya opposed the queen-mother in every thing , but the true occasion was not positively known . one day when the marchioness de mortare came to visit us , we spoke to her concerning it ; and as she was particularly informed of the whole matter , and reposed a greater confidence in us than in the spaniards , because we had no interests to take in this affair ; she acquainted us , that some time before the king went to the escurial , d' eguya going to find out the queen-mother , to shew her a certain letter which the marquess de liche , ambassador at rome , had sent to the king : when he was come into her closet , looked for it in his letter-bag to no purpose . he then remembred himself , that he had lock'd it up in his scritore , where he had several other papers , which he had no mind any body should see ; and sent a little page for it , who could not read . the poor boy took the first letter he found there , and wrapped it up in a sheet of white paper , as he had every day seen his master do the same , when he carried his expeditions to the king. don geronimo d' eguya tarried all this while with the queen-mother , and as soon as the boy brought him the letter , without taking it out of the paper , delivered it to her . it was now towards evening , and the queen went to the window to read it more conveniently : she was immediately surprized to find it was not the marquess liche's hand , but that of donna lucinda bucados ( who was of the house de barcelona ) one of her maids of honour , who was a very beautiful lady , and extreamly lov'd by d' eguya . the letter was writ with a great deal of freedom , and signified to him , that he had no reason to apprehend that the queen her mistress would censure their amours . she gave him several reasons for it , that highly reflected on the queen's reputation . after she had read it over , she imposed that constraint upon her self , as to conceal her indignation for that time , and only told d' eguya , that she must discourse the king about what the ambassador had written to him . as soon as he was gone , she sent for donna lucinda , and after she had reproached her for her ingratitude and impudence , she caused her to be privately locked up in a little chamber well grated and barred up , and kept the key of it her self . here the unfortunate lucinda was forced to lye upon a sorry matt , having nothing but bread and water to sustain her , and the queen-mother frequently ordered her to undergo the penance of a discipline . they told those that enquired after her , that she was sick of the small pox , that the queen had ordered her to be removed out of the palace , and that she was dangerously ill . don geronimo d' eguya believed the news , and was almost desperate for two days ; but having opened his scritore to take out something or other , he was exceedingly surprised to find the marquess liche's letter there , which he thought he had left in the hands of the queen-mother : he searched immediately for that of donna lucinda , and not finding it , he soon concluded where the fatal error was committed ; so he ran in all hast to the queen-mother's apartment , cast himself at her feet , conjured her to forgive lucinda , to consider her youth , her birth , and the humble tender intreaties he made in her behalf , but he found the queen inflexible . seeing at last that he was not able to move her , he told her , he knew a way how to revenge himself upon her . she asked him what it was ? he replied , that he would hinder valenzuela from ever coming back again ; and that she should behold him no more . the queen very much enraged at this answer , told him , that she was sensible enough of the ill will he bore her , but that she did not fear the effects of it ; that it was a long time since she had lost valenzuela , who was indeed one of the best servants she ever had , but that she was now accustomed to bear his absence . afterwards she added these words , looking earnestly upon him , i would advise you for your own sake to hinder his return , for if ever he comes to know that such a fellow as you had the boldness to displease me , he would tear you in pieces , as a lion does a she-goat . d' eguya possessed with rage , took the first favourable opportunity to speak to the king in prejudice of valenzuela ; he represented to him , that he was a bold intriguing man ; that if the queen had him with her , they two would raise factions together , in which they would engage all the turbulent spirits in the kingdom ; that by this means they would disturb the tranquillity he now enjoyed ; that the queen still regretted the time and authority of the regency ; that it was dangerous to sh●w favours to any of those persons who had been her creatures of old . in a word , he so well managed the king upon this occasion , that he bid him issue out an order , such as he judged convenient , to hinder the coming back of the unfortunate valenzuela ; d'eguya lost no time about it , and the substance of the order was , that if they met him upon the sea in his return to spain , they should take him out of the vessel where he was , and re-embark him in that which brought the order , and so carry him to cartagne in the west-indies . the queen-mother for her part sent away donna lucinda in private , with orders to ship her at the groyn , and to transport her to flanders , where she had sent word to prince alexander of parma , to get her shut up in a nunnery . but don geronimo d' eguya having found means to acquaint himself of what had hapned , dispatched an order of the chief minister to the groyne , to bring donna lucinda back to one of her relations , who had agreed to take care of her . the duke de medina celi espoused d'eguya's side in this dispute with a mighty heat . the affair blew over at court without any noise or bustle ; as for the queen mother she spoke nothing at all of it , because it had then been necessary to produce lucinda's letter , which was by no means convenient to be shown , for the several fierce and disrespectful things contained in it . on the other hand , d eguya had no temptation to speak of it , for being secretary of state , and under an obligation to preserve his spanish gravity , he was not willing to discover his amorous weaknesses to the world. d'eguya , who was the sole cause of the ill understanding between the queen-motherand the duke de medina celi , used all his endeavours to increase it still , and in order to accomplish his designs , alarmed the duke perpetually with all that he had reason to apprehend from the resentments and indignation of that princess . what he whispered to him , served to exasperate the chief minister more and more against her , and this made him keep a fair correspondence with her no longer . he considered with himself , that he stood firm in the king's affection , and that the father confessor and d' eguya , who had more frequent occasions to discourse his majesty than he had , would take care to confirm him in all the favourable dispositions he had for the duke . this triumvirate began at the same time to sow the seeds of discord between the king and the queen-mother . no body durst acquaint the king with the reasons that inclined them to act so violently , they had seen after what manner the chief minister had treated those persons who were not of his side , and they had no mind to draw down his anger upon themselves . the great officers belonging to the king's houshold seemed to depend intirely upon him ; the gentlemen of the chamber , who waited every day in their turn , pay'd a no less abject submission to the favourite , and those who had sincerity enough to speak , considering the injury they might hereby do themselves , left the province of better informing the king to some body else who had more zeal , and less policy : so that the duke de medina celi , d'eguya , and the confessor , finding a clear field , gave his majesty what ill impressions they pleased , in relation to the queen-mother ; they assured him that nothing in the world could make her forget the troubles and ill usage she had found when don iuan governed all ; that although she had reason enough to believe that when that minister treated her so rudely , he acted only by himself ; yet it was certainly true that all was done under the name and authority of the king ; that therefore she would always remember , it was he that abetted the persecution she had suffered ; and that he ought to consider , that it was by no means safe to repose any confidence in a reconciled enemy . the natural goodness of the king , and the respect he had for the queen his mother , hindered him from being absolutely influenced by the pernicious counsels they gave him ; however they prevailed so far upon him as to render him jealous , and consequently cold and reserved to her ; she easily perceived it , and was well informed of all their designs , but whether she judged it was by no means a proper time to endeavour the destruction of her enemies , or whether she had some other reasons to disswade her from attempting it , she did not move at all in that affair , and a short time after she never went out of her palace but only to make visits of common decency to the king and queen . the chief minister , the father confessor , and d'eguya applauded one onother for having removed the queen-mother from all share in the administration of affairs ; but fearing lest the young queen might become serviceable to her in this conjuncture , they found it convenient to render the queen-mother suspected to her . they took a very odd way to effect it , but one that served their turn as well as any ; that is to say , they began to inspire the king with a dislike of the queen's conduct , wherein they made him observe abundance of inconsiderable slight things , which they interpreted to him with so much the more malignity , because the queen acting without any reserve , as all persons of sincerity use to do , never restrained her own natural temper . sometimes the king expressed to her some dissatisfaction at it , and this afflicted her extreamly , but while she looked about her to find out who those persons were that did her these ill offices , some of the duke's confidents gave her to understand that all this came from the queen-mother , who seeing she had no children , endeavoured to render the king indifferent to her , that so she might arrive to what she so earnestly desired , which was to see the arch dutchess queen of spain . the young queen found some appearances of truth in what they told her , and this threw her into a dejection of mind , that really made her an object of compassion . another affliction was joyned to this , and contributed to augment her grief , and that was to see the little credit she had to obtain what ever she desired . for although the chief minister had promised to be always devoted to her service , and she had accepted of the dutchess d' albuquerque chiefly upon his recommendation , yet he seemed not at all to be sensible of it , and never obliged her in any tolerable manner . it was to no purpose that she begged any favour of the king , and it was to as little purpose that his majesty granted them ; for he no sooner spoke to the duke about them , but the duke disswaded him from doing what the queen desired ; in such manner , that if she requested any thing it was sufficient for her to rest assured that she should lose the fruit of her prayers . the queen who had a great deal of wit and penetration , and who knew what obstacles the chief minister always laid in her way , could not forbear to speak to the king about him in a most pressing earnest manner , which intimated to him his unaccountable fondness for the chief minister , and sometimes she closed the discourse with a particular detail of the disorders which were to be found in all affairs by reason of the duke 's insufferable negligence . the king gave d'eguya an account of what the queen told him , d'eguya carried all to the duke to make his court by it , and this still occasioned fresh complaints on one side and t'other . the young queen by this means compleatly lost that little interest she had in the chief minister , and sometimes could not tell what measures she ought to take to strengthen and support her own authority . the queen was considering with her self what the occasion might be that made the duke de medina celi neglect to give her that deference he was obliged to pay her for so many reasons ; and the duke being informed that the queen's resentments against him daily increased , made use of the marquess astorgas's confessor to tell him who belonged to the queen , that her majesty made a wrong judgment of his inclinations ; that he should always be ready to give her all imaginable testimonies of his respect and fidelity , but that it was an ungrateful displeasing sight to him to see her majesty shew such particular favours to persons directly opposite to him , amongst whom he reckoned the marchioness de liche , the countess de monterey , the princess de stillano , the dutchess d'ossone , the marchioness de los velez , the dutchess de l'infantado , and some others : that if she would be pleased to remove those ladies , or at least not entertain them with such evident distinctions of kindness , he should receive it with a most sensible acknowledgment , and omit no opportunity to give her all the proofs of gratitude he was capable of . he added , that without consulting his particular interests in this , he was obliged to acquaint her majesty , as being her servant , that it was not the custom of spain for the ladies to have such free access into the queens apartment , and that generally they were introduced by the camerara major only . the queen listned to this advice the chief minister sent her , but had no inclinations to follow it , because she found he designed to subject her intirely to the dutchess d' albuquerque after the same manner as she had been to the dutchess de terra nova . she knew that in all the differences he had with the queen-mother the camerara major always declared for him , that she embraced his interests with more zeal than her own , and that she had clearly forgotten all that the queen-mother had done for her to advance her to this place . the queen had no desire to throw her self again into a captivity , from which she had lately got her self delivered with so much difficulty . thus she was content to examine the motives which made them set so many intreagues on foot , but had no mind to be the victim . the duke had so pressing a desire to possess the sole affections of his master , that he could never forgive those persons who were in a capacity to become his rivals ; and he added a certain air of sincerity to his words , whenever he spoke ill of any one , that the king was really perswaded he had no private by-ends in doing it : his relations , nay , even his friends had no more priviledges than others , who were indifferent to him . the duke was believed , because he always passed for an honest gentleman ; but one ought to have a great fund of vertue , not to be corrupted when he becomes a favourite . he represented to the king , all those that came near his person , as so many secret enemies and domestick spies , who had neither zeal nor affection for him : and these impressions wrought so far upon the king's spirit , that he was scarce ever able to wear them off . the duke not only did ill offices to those that belonged to the king's houshold , but he extended his malice to all those who were able to maintain any intelligence between the queen and the queen-mother . he was perswaded , that the ambassador of france and his lady , contributed to it all that lay in their power ; and this made him conceive an aversion for them both : he spoke of them daily to the king , after a very disobliging manner , and laid several things to their charge wherein they were not concerned . this made the king so mightily displeased with them , that he could not forbear to tell the queen one day , as they accidentally talked of the marquess de villars , that he had poysoned all the court , and that he would rather chuse to have an open war with france , than such an ambassador at madrid . he after this let fall some reflecting words against the ambassador's lady , which sufficiently testified what strange thoughts he had of her , although we may safely say , that neither she nor her husband deserved it . but the reason why the chief minister was so provok'd against them , was , because he was well informed , that the prince de stillano , the count de monterey , the duke de veraguas , the admiral of castile , and some others , had seen him in private , and communicated to him their designs against him , to which he was to contribute something on his side , by getting the q●een to support the project . but suppose the ambassador really knew of their intentions , this is no good consequence , that he was willing to second them ; and indeed there is little probability to believe it , because the ambassador had no reason to desire the removal of the chief minister ; and the duke's abilities were not so formidable , that the court of france had any occasion to be apprehensive of him . while the court at madrid was thus divided about the little intrigues i have mentioned , the people continued to cry out and complain of their grievances , because no care was taken to redress them . it was now a full year since the duke de medina celi had been made chief minister , and it was hoped that he would have taken all necessary measures in a matter so pressing and important , as was the easing of the people ; but he so far forgot his duty , that every thing went worse and worse still ; and indeed the least inconveniencies sensibly improve in their malignity , when they are neglected . the lessening the value of the copper-money had occasioned a great disorder : 't is true indeed it might have been managed to the publick advantage , but they took such wrong measures in the regulation , that it became a most horrible oppression ; for the species of gold and silver being thus reduced to one half of its just value , forreigners took such hold of this opportunity , that they exported prodigious sums out of the kingdom . besides this , the price of segovia wooll , which is an excellent commodity , and brings a mighty profit to those that deal in it , rose in proportion to the abatement of the money ; so that no body would buy it , unless they would sink the price : and things being in this condition , then at last came the crying down of the money , and this totally compleated and ratified their misery . there was computed to be of it to the value of six millions of crowns . the king did not at all take them off , although he had promised by his edict , to pay the full value of the metal , to those who brought them into the offices appointed to receive them . so all this money lay absolutely dead : and it is no easie ' matter to express the loss which the bankers , the merchants , the king's farmers , and almost every private man suffered by this decrying of it down . forreigners were the only men that made advantage of this general misfortune of spain : they bought this copper money , that was mixt with a good allay of silver , for very little , and sent it to genoa , to portugal , and other places . the council very well knew the prejudice the kingdom received by it , and assembled several times to find out an expedient to put a stop to it : there were some undertakers , that offered to treat for all of it , and separate the silver from the copper ; and , as i said before , don philip vinzani , was made choice of in this affair ; but he had not been preferred before others , if it had not been for the credit of don pedro de arragon . this man owed him great sums of money , and had been twice bankrupt , and was just upon the point of breaking the third time ; so he was desirous to introduce him into some great business , that he might by this means enrich himself , and be in a capacity of paying his debts : but this project did not succeed , because so great a quantity of this money was already carried out of the kingdom , and the separating of the allay was so difficult a matter . these losses were the cause that abundance of persons of great quality found themselves under a necessity of selling their plate and jewels . 't is true , there is so much both of the one and the other at madrid , that it cannot well fail in a long time . what made several private men suffer the more , was , that the rents of the town-hall , which were reduced from eight to five in the hundred , were not now paid at all , because the corregidors and regidors , who were concerned in the payment of it , were such great villains , that although the city was sufficiently harassed with customs , taxes , and heavy duties , before these people had drained it as long as they pleased , and that they had put some small inconsiderable matter of it into the king's coffers , there was nothing left more out of so many imposts , and yet they were not levied for the greatest part , but under the pretence of satisfying the rents of the town-hall . but how was it possible to put things , as they now stood , into a better order ? it was resolved , that there should not be above four regidors ; there had been more than fifty , and their places were worth sixty thousand crowns . it is certain , that before they could reimburse themselves of such a sum , they must be guilty of great extortion and cheating . an order was sent from madrid to all the ports to publish reprisals in favour of the subjects of the king of spain , upon the vessels belonging to the elector of brandenburgh . i have already spoke of the vessel which that elector's subjects had taken away from his catholick majesty . the elector had allowed three months to redeem her , but they were not in a condition to do it . the ambassadors of england and holland laboured to accommodate the businesss with no success , because the elector declared he would be paid his eight hundred thousand crowns that were due to him , and he would restore nothing but upon that condition . and therefore the court would rather suffer him to enjoy his prize : however , to save the honour of spain , the ministers pretended that the king would have his vessel restored before he would do any thing , and that he refused to hearken to any other proposal , till that were executed . the queen-mother , who seldom stirred abroad , and who lived a very melancholy life at her palace , invited the young queen one day to dinner , when the king was gone out a hunting : they afterwards shut themselves up in the queen-mother's great closet , and ( as she told the marchioness de mortare , from whom i afterwards had the story ) they began to weep , and embrace one another very tenderly . the queen-mother complained , that the queen her daughter-in-law , had prejudiced the king against her , and that she suffered as great a confinement , as if don juan did still govern ; that she was not ignorant that the duke de medina celi , d' eguya , and the confessor did her all the ill offices they were able ; that if she had only these to combat , she would endeavour to destroy them ; that perhaps she might be able to accomplish it ; but that when she saw the queen at the head of the party , she had no courage left to defend her self ; that although she very well knew she had promised to do her all the injury she could , yet she could not forbear to speak to her of it , rather to ease her self , than out of any hopes to soften her dispositions . alas , madam , alas , cryed the young queen all in tears , why do you add such stabbing suspicions to the other ills you have done me ? could you not be content to poyson my conduct before the king , and make him shew me a thousand sensible unkindnesses upon that score , but must you insult upon me too , and accuse me of the only thing in the world i am uncapable of doing ? at these words the queen-mother stretched out her arms to her , and they tarried a considerable space of time without being able to speak a syllable , so much were both their minds prepossessed against each other : but at last , when they could speak in cold blood , and came to examine what had been said on both sides , they were sensible that some ill persons had endeavoured to disunite them , in order to fortifie their own party , which was equally contrary to them both . they gave one another an account of the measures that had been taken , of the persons that were concerned in them , of ●hose whom they ought to suspect for the ti●e to come , and they resolved to employ all their interest to destroy the opposite cabal . they staid together till it was night , and on the next day , which was the fifth of february , the constable of castile gave the king and the two queens a magnificent collation , accompanied with musick . the king's dwarf , who is one of the prettiest creatures in the world , whom the constable brought with him from his government of flanders , where he succeeded don iuan , danced a * passa cailla along with a young girl whom the queen had taken to her service , and was newly redeemed out of slavery . they were both of them dress'd after the indian fashion , covered with feathers of birds of different colours ; they had little tabors , and played prettily upon them . this feast was followed by another at the house of don pedro d' arragon , where the queen danced before the king , which she had never done before , although she acquitted her self that way to admiration . she had purposely learned the canaries and a saraband , so that the king was perfectly charmed to see her so expert in the spanish dances , and told her several times as he pressed her arms with his two hands , mi reina , mi reina , ere 's la mas perfeta de todo el orbe : that is to say , my queen , my queen , you are the most accomplished person in the whole world. the queen-mother sent her that evening a watch all adorned with diamonds , and a gold chain of exquisite work ; she writ a letter to her , wherein she wished that this watch would only shew her happy and pleasant hours . the queen returned her this answer , that they would be always so , if she would continue to love her . she afterwards desired the king to tell her some tender thing , that she might send it to the queen-mother . the king told her immediately , no tengo que desir . how , sir , says the queen , have you nothing to say to the queen your mother ? i beseech you to give me a complement that may please her . the king studied a long time what to send her , and at last said , ponga os mi reina que jo tongo busna salud . that is to say , write , my queen , that i am well . the king dispatched an order to prince alexander , governour of the low-countries , to make a grand reform amongst the officers of war and justice . he gave at the same time the vice-roy-ship of navar to the great prior of castile . the count de fuen salida , who possessed that post , went to gallicia , whereof he was made vice-roy . the count de palma , nephew to cardinal portocarero , had the government of malaga , and the coasts of granada , in the room of the count de cifuentes ; and the duke de hijar , son-in-law to the dutchess de terra-nova , obtained the vice-roy-ship of arragon . this dutchess had not appeared at court ever since she had quitted it with so great a disgust : but her son-in-law having now received this new favour , she was resolved to go and visit the queen on the tenth of february . she had already sent to her majesty to demand her permission , and the queen sent her word , that she should be glad to see her . the dutchess at her entrance into the queen's chamber , seemed at first a little disordered : she excused her not coming to court upon the account of a long fit of sickness , and then added , i assure your majesty i did not think i should have been able to live , after my misfortune to be separated from you . the queen told her , that she had been informed of her indisposition , but that this was not a place for her to speak of what made her uneasie , and in effect passed to some other discourse . the dutchess de terra nova fixed her eyes continually on the dutchess d' albuquerque , as if she had a mind to devour her ; and the dutchess d' albuquerque , whose eyes were neither better nor sweeter than hers , looked askew upon her , and they let fall every other moment some expressions that were a little eager . one of the footmen belonging to the venetian ambassador had committed some insolence , and the justices ordered him to be apprehended for it : but this minister pretending that it was against the priviledge of ambassadors , complained of it to the duke de medina celi , but did not receive so favourable an answer from him as he expected . this so much disgusted him , that he went to acquaint the rest of the ambassadors with it , who all agreed to represent the consequences of such an action to the duke de medina celi in a large memorial conceived in very harsh terms , which they sent to him all at the same time . the chief minister carried it to the council of state , who , after they had maturely deliberated upon the affair , were of advice that they should set the footman immediately at liberty . the ambassadors were resolved , in case they had refused them this satisfaction , to have forced the prison to fetch him out . constable colonna came back to madrid in february . the most important affair that brought him thither , was his desire to accommodate matters with his lady , and to find out a way for both of them to live in peace . the marriage of his son with the daughter of the duke de medina celi did also take him up very much . the queen was concerned at the misfortunes of his wife , and it was no small trouble to her to understand what ill usage a person of her quality received in prison : nay , she was particularly obliged to protect her , by reason of the promise the duke had made her , and the confidence the constable's lady reposed in it . these reasons engaged her to charge her confessor to do all he could with the constable , in order to negotiate an accommodation , and see whether he would carry her into italy , or suffer her to stay in some religious convent at madrid , as she had already been . but the constable and his wife were strangely exasperated against one another : she resented to the life the unworthy treatment she had received , and the mutual occasions they had to complain , hindered them from consenting to what might contribute to their common satisfaction . at last , the constable being earnestly importuned by the queen , and advised by the marquess de los balbazez , proposed , that his wife should turn a religious , and that he , for his part , should take the habit of a knight of malta . this at first appeared very surprising to all the world , but indeed was more strange to the constable's lady than to any one ; for 't is certain she had no great desire to that life , and her inclination did not very well relish three mortifying vows , an austere cloystering , and a severe rule . nevertheless , the constable was so positive , that all his wive's friends were satisfied there was no other way to deliver the unfortunate lady out of the castle of segovia , but by obliging her to give her consent to what he proposed . thus at last they prevailed upon her to consent to it ; so she was brought back to madrid on the th of february , . where she immediately was shut up amongst the nuns of the conception of the order of st. ierome . she was so afflicted at her misfortunes , that she would see no body but her children : she told them , she looked upon her self to be the most unfortunate creature in the world , and that she was going to do a thing which might cost her the repose of her life ; that she beheld the consequences of it with terror , but that nevertheless she was resolved to undergo it , because she had given her promise . in effect , she went down into the quire , where every thing was prepared for the ceremony , and she took upon her the habit of a novice , but with a formal design to die rather than make profession . she wore a petticoat of gold and silver brocard , under her woollen robe , and when she was not in company with any of the nuns , she would throw her veil aside , and put a coif upon her head , after the spanish mode , drest with ribbons of all colours . sometimes it so happened , that the bell rung to chappel , where she was obliged to make her appearance by the rule of her order ; and the mistress of the novices coming to inform her of it , she clapt on her frock and veil over her ribans and her loose hair ; this made a very odd and comical figure , and no body could have forborn laughing at it , had not her miseries on the other hand , drawn the compassion of all persons that knew her ; for indeed her condition was very necessitous ; she wanted money , had but mean eating , and yet worse lodging . one day as i happened to be in the queen's retinue , i entred into the convent , and the constable's lady carried me to her chamber ; i was like to have been starved with the cold there ; it was as high as a tennis-court ; and , not to flatter the place it was no better than a great barn. the constable got a dispensation from rome to hasten the time of her profession ; and he himself was obliged , as i have already said , to take the vows of the order of malta , but he was told every day , that his wife had an unconquerable aversion to become a religious , and at last had no hopes of it : the marquess de los balbazez , as well as the marchioness , were not a little concerned to be laught at by all the world. the constable concluded the marriage of his eldest son with the daughter of the duke de medina celi , and parted three days after to return to rome : he carried his sister in law , and his two sons along with him . as for his lady , she still carried in the convent , where she wore the habit of a religious long enough , and at last quitted it . the king and queen went to the iesuites colledge , to see a tragedy , where a young scholar , who personated a fury , coming upon the theatre with a lighted torch in his hand , perceived his tutor in a corner , who acted a chymist ; in all appearance he bore him a grudge ; for he run after him , and burnt his beard and hair , and pursued him like a real fury indeed . he play'd his part so well , that the king was mightily pleased with him , and would needs have them begin that scene again , because it was the prettiest in the play. the scholar desired it with all his heart , but neither his tutor , nor any of the colledge , had a mind to be concerned in the other part . the carnival approached , and a comedy was play'd the three last days of it at court. on the th of february , which was ash-wednesday , the king had a solemn service at the chappel royal , and ordered the ambassadors to be told , that he would continue to have one every week , except holyday-week . in the mean time the duke de medina celi applied himself seriously to find out means to set a fleet to sea by the spring , and treated with some of the principal bankers of madrid , whose names were dominico grillo , francisco de monserato , and ambrosio dionis . the first engaged to send a hundred thousand piasters a month to flanders , the second to remit fifty thousand to catalonia , and the third thirty thousand to navar. but what signified all these treaties , since they were not in a condition to furnish necessary funds ? the court received advice from naples , from whence they expected some supplies in money , that the prince de belvidere , and several of the principal barons , were retired to their respective countrey-houses , by reason of the great disorders and misery of that city . besides this , they were informed , that the inhabitants of trapan , and of two other cities in that kingdom , had made an insurrection , killed their governour and judges , and at the same time had sent to demand assistance of the turks . this news found but an unwelcome reception at madrid . there arrived also at court a deputy of the commerce at sevil , with whom i had a long conversation . he assured me , that that great and stately city was reduced to a condition which amazed all the world ; that there did not now remain one fourth part of its inhabitants ; that the imposts increased every day , and that this city , which but about fifty years ago , was one of the richest in the universe , was now ready to sink for want of relief , although the gallions arrived there , and it still enjoy'd the most considerable trade of any place in spain . we may hence justly conclude , in what a sad condition the rest of the cities of spain were reduced to , since the best of them was almost ruined . this reason obliged me to enquire of a certain gentleman , who was well acquainted in those affairs , what the revenues of the king of spain might amount to ? he told me , that in ready money only , which came from the indies , they amounted to thirty millions , and eight hundred thousand ducats , which in french money is worth somewhat more than seventy five millions of livres : but then it ought to be observed , that the king does not touch a third part of this sum , the greatest part of it being either otherwise engaged or purloined ; and yet out of this third part are to be defrayed the expences of the palace , the pensions his majesty bestows , and the payment of his armies . he is likewise obliged to be still sending considerable sums to milan , to naples , to messina , to catalonia , and to flanders : for the vice-roys and governours take effectual care that the king shall not draw a farthing out of those kingdoms and provinces ; they keep all the profits to themselves : and this is the reason why money is so often wanting , even for the necessary occasions of the king's house . but after all , i can by no means be perswaded , but that he is richer than he is generally supposed to be ; for there is no probability that otherwise he could be able to give , as he does , such considerable pensions , and so much in standing wages , to so vast a number of people . it is true , these liberalities so mightily incommoded him , that about the beginning of the year . all the livery-men of the stables having waited two years together for their wages , left the king's service on the same day , and looked abroad to get a livelihood ; so that his horses had no body to look after them , or give them corn. this appeared so much the less surprising , because the table of the gentlemen of his bed-chamber , was absolutely laid aside , although it was the only one the king kept in his palace . the women that waited upon the queen had no better luck , and the court could not be supplied with money enough to defray the least expences . this extremity lasted for a while , and then things were established as formerly . but what is very remarkable , and deserves the last commendation , the souldiers , notwithstanding this misery , continued still in the service ; although there were several officers , nay , entire regiments of them that had not received two months pay in three years . however this was the reason that abundance of garrisons were ill provided with men , and in a very bad condition , and particularly on the side of estra madura , where nevertheless it was their interest to have been more careful , because the portugueses had very considerable posts in that part of the country . we saw the governours of st. sebastian , bilboa , and fontarabia at madrid , who came on purpose to acquaint the council of war , that their souldiers died of hunger , that the youngest of them had deserted , that none but the old and infirm were left behind in the garrisons ; and that in a short time there would be none of these left , unless they gave them a speedy relief . they had fair promises made them , they returned back , but were forgotten as well as a great number of others . it is indeed surprizing , and cannot easily be believed , that in this very spain , so excessively poor and exhausted , as it seems to be , the flota from the indies only , in the year . brought thirty millions of gold. but of these prodigious summs that arrive there every year , we must deduct near two thirds which the forreigners draw away for the several goods they furnish them with ; and besides there is a way found to cheat the king of the fifth penny , which is due to him out of all the silver that comes from the indies . there is another thing still behind that contributes exceedingly to make the spaniards so destitute of money as they are , and that is the prodigious number of french and dutch who come to help them , whether in the tillage of the ground , or in their buildings , or any other things of a more servile nature , which the don diegos and the don rodriguez think so much below them , either out of a principle of vanity or idleness , that they had rather chuse to starve , than resolve to set about them . but foreigners are not so nice and delicate , they come hither , and when they have scraped a little mony together , they return to their own country , in the mean time others come in their room ; and are employed in the same work . they are computed generally to be full forty thousand , who come in and go out of the kingdom after this manner , and there is not one of them who does not carry away with him seven or eight pistoles every year , and sometimes more . it is easie to judge that this arises to a prodigious summ. the people still continued to cry out and exclaim , and at last the duke fatigu'd with the great business he had upon his hands , and with these continual complaints , resolved to erect a juncto to set things in order again , and endeavour to relieve the present necessities . he cast his eyes upon a person of great abilities , whose name was don lopez de los rios , and whose vertue and experience were sufficiently known , for he had always bore some office either in the civil government , or the finances . he at first shew'd a great zeal , and the heat of this zeal did not at all abate in his mind , but he found himself not strong enough to cope with all the enemies alone , whom he must expect to create by a severe and steady conduct . several persons , nay even the ministers interested in these affairs , directly thwarted him , and by this means destroyed all that he had established with so much pains and industry . on the d. of february a private act of the inquisition was performed in the church of the dominicans , where twenty persons were condemned for being guilty of superstition , sorcery , and judaism . the duke de villa hermosa , who came back from flanders , arrived about this time at madrid , and the duke d' hijar parted from thence to go to saragossa , and take possession of the viceroyship of arragon . two days after this , which was the th of february , the marquess du mondejar was made a grandee of spain . the duke d' ossone who now began to be weary of not supplying his place himself , desired some of his friends to intercede with the king in his behalf that he might come to court ; and the king consented to it , with this proviso , that he should perform his duty better for the time to come . the count de pouar , and the count de montiel were forbidden the court ; both of them were passionately in love with donna francisca d' alcannicas , lady of honour to the queen , and niece to the constable of castile . the count de pouar was under her chamber window , and entertained her there with his fingers as is the manner of spain , and told her a story very much to the disadvantage of the count de montiel , who lay hid in a corner where he saw and understood all , so that coming towards the count de pouar all enraged , with his hand upon the guard of the sword , he told him he was a persidious villain , and that he might thank his good fortune for being in the palace . the count de pouar coldly answered , that he would go out of it as soon as he had told donna francisca two or three things he had still to say to her , and that he came seasonably enough to be a witness of them , because they concerned him . the count de montiel transported with choler , was upon the point of drawing his sword upon his rival . but the duke d' usseda , brother to donna francisca , passing by that way with the count d' altamire , she made them a sign to draw near , and told them with her fingers what had hapned . the two lords laboured all they could to make up the quarrel between the two rivals , and succeeded in it ; however this accident could not be kept so secret but that the king being informed of it , forbid them the court. the duke de sejar parted from hence to go and serve in flanders in quality of a volunteer . he was a person of illustrious birth , very rich , and very young ; the reason he did this was only because he was jealous of his lady . the count de talara had the place of judge of the forrests conferred upon him , which was vacant by the death of the marquess de la garde ; and don francisco de manserato obtained the title of marquess de tamarit . the king ordered the council to discharge all the receivers of the impositions , that are laid upon the provinces : these officers were above a thousand , and the suppressing of them must needs be of great advantage to his catholick majesty , and to his subjects . a vessel which came to cales from the honduras , brought news that the flota was happily arrived on the fifth of september , and that the merchants of lima offered three hundred thousand crowns to the king , on condition that for an year and half he would not send the gallions here . in the mean time ill weather hindred the fleet , which had set sail from cales a little before , from doubling the cape of st. vincent ; the bad effects of this tempest were not only perceived at sea , for it was so violent in all parts of castile , that several houses were beaten down , and the exceeding rains so swelled the rivers , that the roads were o'reflown , and almost all the bridges carried away by the rapidity of the waters . this ill news was followed immediately by three couriers , one upon the neck of another , and the first of them arrived on the th . of march from abbot masserati , envoy of spain in portugal . he dispatched them to inform the council , that they had received advice at lisbon by a vessel , that the governour of buenosaires , having got together abundance of indians , had joyned them to his garrison ; that on the th . of august . he had surprized the fort which the portugueses had began to build in the isle of st. gabriel ; that he had taken the governour prisoner , and cut the garrison in pieces ; that the prince-regent , being provoked at this insult , had assembled the council of state , where the queen of portugal was present ; that they had re●olved to raise the militia , and send horse , and four regiments of old soldiers into estramadura ; that it would be necessary to get magazines ready on the frontiers , and to have a general rendezvous at eluas ; that having demanded audience of the prince-regent , he had refused it him , and that in all probability a war would ensue . 't was expected at court that the envoy of portugala would make his complaints , but they were extreamly surprized to see him take no notic● of it at all : so now it was not doubted , bu that this silence certainly presaged a surprize of the spanish territories , like to that which the governour of buenosaires had committed in the indies upon the portugueses . the ministers judged it convenient to prevent this blow , and spoke to the english ambassador about it , desiring him to represent to the envoy of portugal , that the king of england would be obliged to take up arms against him who first broke the peace , whereof he was guarrantee ; that he had also a more particular reason than this , forasmuch as by the league that was concluded between the king his master and his catholick majesty , they had mutually engaged to declare against the enemy that fell upon either of them . this discourse was spoke with a great deal of heat ; but the envoy of portugal answered him , that he looked upon him to be a partisan of the court of spain rather than an ambassador from the king of england ; that he knew very well he spoke without order , and of his own head : this answer was followed by a protestation in writing , wherein it was declared , that the king of england could not upon any reason whatever hinder the prince of portugal from using the right of reprisals , and endeavouring to get satisfaction from the spaniards for the injuries received . a little after this , the envoy of portugal received an order from the prince-regent to demand publick audience upon this occasion ; and told his catholick majesty , that he demanded an entire satisfaction from him , and that the prince-regent desired , that they would set the souldiers and governour at liberty ; that they would punish those of buenosaires ; that they would restore the ammunition and cannon ; that if the fort were razed , they would rebuild it ▪ or else surrender the place ; that in case the prisoners were sent into spain , they would set them at liberty ; that they would receive into the fort of st. gabriel the garrison which the prince of portugal should send thither ; that the governour of buenosaires should be chastised , and that an answer be given in within twenty days , or else they would begin actions of hostility . upon this the council met , and spent three days to deliberate about it . they gave orders for their forces to march towards the most exposed , defenceless places , and don antonio panyagua , master-general of the camp , was charged to stay there , till he saw an end of this affair . besides they set forth a great memorial , wherein were contained the arguments which the envoy of spain had given in at lisbon , to make it appear by authentick papers , that according to the limits appointed by pope alexander vi. the isle of st. gabriel belongs to the spaniards , and that they have had it a hundred fourscore and six years in their possession . after this they took notice of the declaration of the envoy of portugal , and ended all with a protestation , signifying , that they were desirous to preserve the peace , and that they would labour with all application in this matter . this manifesto was sent to all the foreign ministers to communicate to their masters ; but they had scarce given it to them , when they sent in all hast back again for the copies to correct something or other , and then they returned them again . at the same time a rumour was industriously dispersed , that the nuncio by an express order from the pope , had moved them to send an ambassador to lisbon to treat about an accomodation . but this was really a temperament they had found out to conceal the true motives which engaged them to make this advance . the nuncio upon this said openly , that he had never interposed in the business , and that it was impossible to receive any orders from rome about so fresh an affair . the duke de giovenazzo was chosen for this embassy . as soon as he was arrived at lisbon , he saw the prince-regent , who nominated the duke de cadaval , and the marquess de fronteyra for commissioners . he would have made his complaints at first , and demanded satisfaction : but he was told , that they were of a humour clearly opposite to what he pretended ; and that matters were to be done conformable to the memorial which the envoy of portugal had presented at madrid , or else let the affair go whither it would for them . after some slight contestations , he gave his consent to it , and dispatched a courier to madrid to inform the court of what he had done . immediately the ministers bellowed out against him as a man of no judgment , who had violated his fidelity to the king , pretending that he had infringed all the rules of prudence and good sense by a conduct and an accommodation so disadvantageous to spain , and that his instructions furnished him with no such power . all these circumstances of indignation and resentment were only offered to the honour of the nation : but notwithstanding all this , they did not lose a moment to conclude the accommodation , and the ratification of it was speedily sent to the duke de giovenazzo . money still continued to be as scarce as ever at madrid , and certain it is that it was the greatest difficulty in the world for the council to provide a hundred and fifty thousand crowns for the king to go to aranjuez . the ceremonial of the palace , whereof i have already made mention , orders this summ precisely to be spent in that small journey , and here they are so exact to follow it , that they would not for all the world lay out a hundred pistoles less . but after the money was once in the king's coffers , the council thought to send it to the forces that were kept on the borders of portugal , by reason of the late difference about the isle of st. gabriel . the duke de medina celi spoke to the king about it , and proposed that in this juncture they might take money where ever they could find it ; but he roundly answered him , do what you will , provided you don 't meddle with that which is designed for aranjuez . he was not able to go thither all the autumn , because such a summ of mony as is necessary for that purpose could not be then gotten ready . he began his journey about the beginning of april . being not willing to break any of the customs that are established in the ceremonial of the palace : philip ii. observed it religiously , and after him the kings of spain have look'd upon it as sacred as a law. every thing is there set down , the processions , the chases , the solemn days of chappel , the changing of their apartments , their habits , their walks , their journeys , the presents the kings make their mistresses , and what is to become of them when they cease to love them any longer : in a word , there is to be found every thing from the most essential circumstance of state down to the most insignificant trifles . the king tarried five weeks at aranjuez . this royal house is within seven leagues of madrid . he goes no where all the year round but there , and to the escurial in october : these are his two great journeys . i went thither along with a relation of mine to take leave of the queen , and receive her orders . she had the goodness to promise me her protection for a young girl , whom i was to leave behind me in spain , and was very dear to me . she told me she would take her into the number of her menines , and that i might assure my self she carried her own recommendation along with her , since she came from france . she honoured me with her picture in enamel , incircled with diamonds , and i sensibly regret the loss of it to this very day . this is not a fit place to tell how this misfortune hapned to me ; perhaps i may still write the memoirs of another court , where i resided some time , and which are no less particular than these ; and there i shall have a fit opportunity to speak concerning the portraiture of this lovely queen . finis . notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a -e a since the time of don loys de haro , the kings of spain have had no privado or chief minister . the duke di medina de las torres had the management of the northern affairs , and the count de castrillo of the rest . b the six ministers that composed the junta , were those that were or should be archbishop of toledo , the president of castile , vice-cancellor of arragon , and inquisitor general . and besides these a grandee of spain , and a counsellor of state. c the cardinal of arragon being grand inquisitor , and afterwards named to the archbishoprick of toledo , quitted the post of grand inquisitor , because he could not not have two places in the junto . d altho 't is very true that he had been formerly a lutheran and it was objected to him , yet he vehemently denied it , because it might have made him uncapable of that office. e he held as his proper right the government of the low countries . * who is called in spain secretary del defpacho universal . * these two lords were not of the junta of the government . (a) don enrique ii. (b) don petro el cruel matado por don enrique su●rm●no natural . a henry the bastard king of gastile . b pedro the cruel , king of castile , turned out of his kingdom by henry the bastard in , and . (a) who is a kind of a provost or judge . (b) these are serjeants and bayliffs . notes for div a -e * the contration is a council where they order all affairs relating to the indice . we will see . * these are much of the same value with the french doubles , and are scarce an english farthing . * a monastery founded by joanna , sister to philip iv. * a ground . the lives of all the princes of orange, from william the great, founder of the common-wealth of the united provinces written in french by the baron maurier, in the year , and published at paris, by order of the french king ; to which is added the life of his present majesty king william the third, from his birth to his landing in england, by mr. thomas brown ; together with all the princes heads taken from original draughts. mémoires pour servir à l'histoire de hollande et des autres provinces-unies. english aubery du maurier, louis, - . approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : - (eebo-tcp phase ). a wing a estc r ocm this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) the lives of all the princes of orange, from william the great, founder of the common-wealth of the united provinces written in french by the baron maurier, in the year , and published at paris, by order of the french king ; to which is added the life of his present majesty king william the third, from his birth to his landing in england, by mr. thomas brown ; together with all the princes heads taken from original draughts. mémoires pour servir à l'histoire de hollande et des autres provinces-unies. english aubery du maurier, louis, - . brown, thomas, - . [ ], , [ ], - p. : ports. printed for thomas bennet ..., london : . "the table" [i.e. index]: prelim. p. [ ]-[ ]. originally published, , under title: mémoires pour servir à l'histoire de hollande et des autres provinces-unies. reproduction of original in huntington library. created by converting tcp files to tei p using tcp tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between and available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the , texts created during phase of the project have been released into the public domain as of january . anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. % (or pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf- unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p , characters represented either as utf- unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng william -- iii, -- king of england, - . william -- i, -- prince of orange, - . orange-nassau, house of. netherlands -- history -- wars of independence, - . - tcp assigned for keying and markup - apex covantage keyed and coded from proquest page images - mona logarbo sampled and proofread - mona logarbo text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion the lives of all the princes of orange ; from william the great , founder of the common-wealth of the united provinces . written in french by the baron maurier , in the year , and published at paris , by order of the french king. to which is added the life of his present majesty king william the third , from his birth to his landing in england . by mr. thomas brown. together with all the princes heads taken from original draughts . chara deo soboles . virgil. london : printed for thomas bennet , at the half-moon in st. paul's church-yard , . to his honoured friend thomas chambers of hanworth , esq sir , though i know what a just aversion you have to the common strain of dedications , yet with the usual assurance of an authour of the town , i have presumed to inscribe this history to you ; so much too powerful was either my gratitude or my interest for the complaisance i ought to have had for your modesty . as i have received too many obligations at your hands not to endeavour at some sort of a requital ( if addresses of this nature don't rather serve to increase the debt than to acquit it ) so i am too well acquainted with your temper to offer at any thing that may look like flattery . 't is i confess somewhat hard to be avoided upon these occasions , and few patrons quarrel with the poor slaves , that make these applications to them , for being too liberal of their incense . but you need not fear any such dreadful entertainment from me : for contrary to the received practise of all my predecessors in dedication , i intend not to say one word in your praise . nay what is more surprizing , instead of being a panegyrist i here come publickly to reproach you , and that freedom as gross as it looks , i know you will much sooner excuse than being praised . i must therefore , ( though it is much against my inclination to be the bearer of ill news ) take the boldness to inform you that the world speaks very strange things of you , and such as i am afraid you will find it a difficult matter to justifie without the affectation of being singular . it complains in the first place that in a time of universal perfidiousness and degeneracy , when the profession of friendship serves only to usher in some piece of treachery with a better grace , you have the opiniatreté to be sincere and undesigning ; that at an age wherein others of your quality wholly abandon themselves to their pleasures , and generously neglect the pursuit of every thing besides , you are so ill-natured as to use them only en passant , and cannot be brought to allow that learning sits ill upon a gentleman ; and lastly , that amidst so vast a wealth , which uses to have no other effect upon the rest of mankind , but either to make them neglect themselves or despise others , you obstinately continue to be unfashionably virtuous and condescending . i could tell you of several other objections of the like terrible importance that are frequently made against you , but as by these i have mention'd , you may sufficiently judge what malicious worlds thinks of you , i shall forbear to recount the rest . and now sir , if i may be permitted to speak something of the following translation , i hope it is a present not altogether unworthy of your acceptance . there is this at least to be said in the behalf of it , which very few done out of the same language can pretend to , and that is , the extream scarcity as well as excellence of the original , there being ( as far as i can inform my self ) not above four or five of them in england . that very book which my friends and i made use of , ( for you must give me leave here to inform you , that i have but a small share in this performance ) and is now in the possession of a learned gentleman , had formerly passed the hands of king charles the second ; for he having received a mighty character of it , was so impatient to read it over , that he could not stay to be furnished with one of them from france , but sent to borrow this . as for the author , though i ingenuously own that i am so uncharitable to his country-men , as to believe they are for the general part as unfit to write history as dutch-men are to write epic poems ( for dutch epic poetry is down-right . history disguised with metre , and french history , as far as fiction will make it so , is down-right poetry , ) yet he has happily escaped the genius of the rest of his nation , who are so apt to run out into strange love-adventures , and other chimera's even upon the most solemn occasions , and , as appears by his writings , was a person of great quality , probity and experience . if he has any fault 't is this , that he is now and then too much upon the narrative , but his old-age will excuse that infirmity . as for the rest , he was a passionate lover of truth , and an adorer of true merit , where-ever he found it , whether in catholic or hugonot . difference in religion not being able to prepossess him to any man's disadvantage , if he were otherwise valuable . in short , he has discovered several important matters of state , which , till he revealed them , were mysteries to all the world , and i shall but do him justice when i say that he has joyned the unaffected simplicity of philip de comines , to the veracity of the great thuanus . the last life has been done by a modern hand ; but though it does not come up to the former , seems to be written with great impartiality and freedom . i have thus given you a short account of the author : it now remains that i should conclude , which i find i must do in a different manner from most dedications : for whereas they generally end with some devout wishes for the person , to whom they address ; you have been so eminently well treated both by nature and fortune , that i can wish you nothing but what you possess already . therefore not altogether to depart from so ancient and received a custom , i will pray , but it shall be for my self , who need it most . my first petition is , that you would be pleased to forgive all the defects in the translation , i mean in my own part of it ; and my second , that when your candor has forgiven them , you would once more employ it , and pardorn this presumption in , sir , your most humble , and most obliged servant , t. brown. the table . a. duke of alva sent to succeed the dutchess in the government of the low countreys , page . establishes a councel of twelve , called the councel of blood , p. , . the arch-duke brother to the emperour rodolphus , chosen governour of the netherlands , p. . amsterdam surrendred to the states , p. . duke of anjou invited into holland , p. . retires into france , and dies , p. . arminius and gomarus , their quarrel , p. , , &c. b. barnevelt's story , p. , , &c. bon besieged , p. , . and taken , p. . marquess de bellefonds , banished by the french king , p. . battle of senef , p. . c. coligny ( gaspor de ) his character , p. . coeverden lost , p. , retaken , p. . coligny ( lovise de ) her life , p. . cambray besieged and surrendred , p. . d. don iohn of austria , made governour of the low countreys , p. . his story , p. , , &c. surprises the castle of namur , and charlemont , p. . defeats the army of the states at gemblours , p. . dies of grief , p. . e. counts egmont and horn executed , p. . q. elizabeth loved to be thought handsome , p. , &c. f. french king almost over-runs the united provinces , p. . g. cardinal granville , his character and story , p. , , &c. name of gueux ( or beggars ) whence the rise , p. . grave besieged , p. . and taken , p. . ghent taken , p. . h. haerlem taken by famine , p. . henry frederick born , p. . his life , p. , &c. his children , p. . i. inquisition declares those guilty of high-treason , who had not opposed the hereticks of the netherlands , p. . ipres taken , p. . l. count lodovick , &c. presents a petition to the governess of the low countreys , against the inquisition , new bishops , &c. which at first is slighted , p. , , &c. lewis de requesens made governour in the place of the duke of alva , p. . leyden relieved by breaking down the dykes , p. , . and the university settled there , p. . m. margaret of austria , made absolute governess of the low countreys , with orders to establish the spanish inquisition , and several new bishopricks in the netherlands , p. . mons surprised , p. . and retaken by the spaniards , p. . count de la mark , takes the brill with several other cities , p. . middburg taken by the spaniards , p. . maurier traduced at the french court , &c. p. , , . maurice prince of orange , his character , p. . raises the siege of berghen ap zoom , p. and . takes breda , p. . and sluise , p. . defeats arch duke albert , p. . and the lord de balancon , p. . his description , p. , , , &c. maestricht besieged by the french , p. . and taken , p. . mansfeld's story and character , p. , , &c. n. narses ( the eunuch ) his story , p. . house of nassau their genealogy , p. , , &c. the netherlands demanded to have all the ' spanish forces drawn out of the low countreys , p. . nimighen treaty , p. . o. ostend taken by the spaniards , p. . st. omers surrendred to the french , p. . p. king philip the cause of the disorders in the low countreys , p. . his description , p , , &c. perpetual edict concluded between the states and don iohn of austria , p. . prince of parma made governour of the low countreys , p. . king philip published a prescription against the prince of orange , p. . philip william of nassau , his life , p. . taken by force out of the colledge of lovaine by king philip , p. . shut up in a castle in spain at years old , p. . released , and sent to bring the infanta isabella into the low countreys , p. . marries eleanor of bourbon , p. . s. states general consent to a toleration of both religions , p. . request the duke of anjou and alemon to be their lord and protector , p. . t. treaty of peace set on foot at breda , p. . treaty of peace at ghent , p. , , & ● . treaty of peace at nimighen concluded , p. . v. marquess vitelli , his character and epitaph , p. . valenciennes taken by the french , p. . w. william the first of nassau his birth , p. . the favours show'd him by charles th , p. . made generalissimo at years old , p. . builds charlemont , and philipville , p. . supports the emperour at the resignation of his empire , and is recommended by him to the king of spain , p. . his description , p. . retires into germany , p. . raises an army there , which is defeated near the river ems , p. . raises another of twenty four thousand german horse and foot , p. . which refusing to follow him into france to assist the hugonots , he disbands , p. . enters the low countreys with a great army , and is received into ruremond , malines , &c. p. . acknowledg'd governour of holland , zealand , &c. by the states , p. . banishes the romish ceremonies out of the church , p. . received into brussels in great triumph , p. . lays the common-wealth of the united provinces , p. . publishes his apology against king philip's prescription , p. , , , &c. marries lovise de coligny , p. . killed at delft , p. . his funeral , p. . william count de buren , eldest son to prince william , seized at the colledge of lovain , and carried prisoner to spain , p. . william henry of nassau , his birth , p. . deprived of the offices belonging to his family , p. . chose general of the army , p. . and restored to all the other commands belonging to him , which cornelius de witt opposes , p. . prince william takes naerden , p. . falls sick of the small-pox , and recovers , p. . besieges maestricht , p. . and raises it , p. . marries the princess mary , p. . attacks , and almost routs luxemburgh near mons , p. . cornelius de witt , and his brother killed , p. . william the second born , p. . besieges amsterdam , p. . dies of the small-pox , . the author's preface . the reader , whoever he is , must not expest in these memoirs , to find a gay , or rather an impertinent discourse , fill●d with new terms , which some presumptuous little authors , who mind nothing but bare words , call fine language . these people are to understand that i was never bred at a colledge , and that the little skill i have in languages i receiv'd from masters at home , or from common use in conversation . i never read one single line of priscian , or of any other grammarian . their lexicons , and their syntaxes , which my father was used to call , the plague of youth , are as much unknown to me as the isle of pines . i never was able to comprehend what a gerund or a supin meant , and though perhaps i use them upon occasion , i neither know how to define or describe them . i have not without a great deal of pleasure read the quintus curtius of monsieur de vaugclas , whose solid vertue , and extraordinary sweetness , as well as his inviolable fidelity to his friends , i esteem ; although i was never able to edify much by his remarks upon our language . and , what is more than all this , having had the misfortune to debauch my own natural language , during my long abode in forreign countries , where i was bred ; as also by my long stay at mayne , where their language is extreamly vitious ; and thinking it not worth the while to spend money to no purpose at court , and to feed my self with vain expectations , my reader ought not to be surpris'd if he meets in this work some terms and manners of speaking that have not receiv'd the approbation of our modern criticks , who make no scruple to condemn a good book upon the account of one word which they have banished out of conversation , or an expression which does not carry with it ( to use the stile of these foplings ) the delicacy of language . therefore i humbly desire these gentlemen to 〈◊〉 me alone , since i have been so ingenuous as to lay open my infirmities before them ; and by way of requital , i here give them full possession of the eight parts of speech , all the grammars , and all the dictionaries , with all remarks and observations whatsoever , upon languages in the world , upon this condition , that they 'll leave things that are above their capacity to persons of better iudgment and experience . for to deal plainly with them , it 's a sad but a certain truth , that these coyners , and admirers of new words can attribute no other sort of merit to themselves , than what belongs to those mechanicks that make good tools , by the help of which excellent statuaries form admirable statues , and famous architects erect noble structures . for my own part , i have a great respect for those people that can speak regularly and justly upon all occasions , but i cannot endure those vain glorious ●…sops , those would-be-criticks , who in the ruels of ladies use to damn the best compositions in the world , and all for the sake of one term or phrase that has the ill luck to displease them . i would not have so wild an inference drawn from this , as if i were of opinion that 't is impossible for a man to write solidly and politely at the same time . no , i have more sense than that comes to , and preserve as great a veneration for those illustrious persons that possess both these talents , as i have an aversion and contempt for those puny grammarians that are made up of nothing but pride and insolence . 't is not for such unthinking insects as these to judge of an history . if i had the ambition to desire fit and competent iudges for these memoirs , i should wish that the famous president de thou , and those celebrated brothers the messieurs du puy , and that the president ardier might come again into the world. the latter of these was a long time secretary of state under mr. d' herbaut , his unkle . his dispatches were so natural , but at the same time so strong and masculine , as were all the publick declarations that pass'd under his hands ; that mr. conrait , a man generally esteem'd in the world , and who knew the value of things extreamly well , has told me several times , more than thirty years ago , that the kings of france ceased to speak with a majesty befitting their empire , ever since they did not explain themselves by the pen of mr. ardrier . i shall forbear to speak more largely of this illustrious man , who was a singular friend of mine , and to whom i have infinite obligations , till i meet with a fitter opportunity . the greatest part of those histories that have appeared in the world , are properly speaking , nothing else but so many panegyricks composed by interessed hands , that elevate vice and iniquity to the heavens . of this character are the works of paterculus and machiavel , who propose tiberius , and caesar borgia , that in true history were downright monsters , as examples fit to be imitated . directly opposite to these retailers of unjust commendations are a sort of people that deal in pasquils , and yet have the impudence to stile themselves historians . these mercenary , or partial creatures , make no conscience to attack vertue it self , and have frequently represented the most excellent princes that ever wore a crown , as tyrants and wicked persons : witness so many histories , and so many printed satyrs of the huguenots upon catholick princes , and among the rest upon francis of lorrain , duke of guise , for no other reason but because that excellent general made war against them . witness so many cart-loads of scurrilous invectives composed by monks , and other superstitious catholicks against queen elizabeth of england , the most glorious princess that ever wielded a scepter . for to these hot-headed passionate bigots 't is sufficient for you to be of a party , or of a religion contrary to theirs , to be defamed , condemned ; and pursued with a thousand calumnies . these ridiculous monsters vainly endeavour to render queen elizabeth odious and execrable to all posterity , for putting mary queen of scots to death , although 't is a notorious truth , that the above-mentioned unhappy princess was of so unquiet and turbulent a spirit , that she could not forbear to embarras her self with q. elizabeth , who was much more powerful than her self ; and by that ill advised conduct was the occasion of her own ruine . the truth of this assertion cannot be called in question , as being confirmed by the testimony of monsieur de castelnau , intendant of her affairs in france , and ambassadour in england , who tells us in his memoirs , that she ow'd this ill-management to the cardinal of lorrain , his uncle . nay , after she was prisoner in eng●…and , she continued to keep a correspondence with the male-content party there , who endeavour'd to disturb the repose of that kingdom , so far as to attempt the life of q. elizabeth . which obliged her to bring her to a tryal where she was condemned by more than forty judges , the greatest part of them consisting of earls , barons , peers of england , officers of the crown and members of parliament . notwithstanding all this , her sentence was for a long time respited , and q. elizabeth had never dared to execute her , if she had not been persuaded to it by france . for i have heard my father say , that both friends and enemies concurred , out of different views , and interests , to bring that unfortunate princess to the block . monsieur de bellievre , who was sent envoy extraordinary into england , in appearance to solicit for the life of this poor queen ; for which purpose he carried large instructions with him , told him , that he had quite contrary orders under henry the third's hand , to perswade q elizabeth to behead this common enemy both of their persons and kingdoms . all which the king was forced to do out of an apprehension , that if mary stuart , who was not only heir to q. elizabeth , but much younger than she , should come to succeed her ; the guises , her relations , who govern'd her absolutely , and who by their great number of creatures made his crown shake already at home , being supported by the united power of england , scotland , and ireland , would in the conclusion make a second childeric of him . for those of the league had the insolence to change the king's device , which was manet ultima coelo , into manet ultima claustro . the king's meaning was , that after he had enjoy'd upon earth the crowns of france and poland , he hoped he should wear a third in heaven . but these of the league publickly declared , that they would bestow a third crown upon him in a cloyster . and as a learned gentleman of that age had enlarged upon the king's device in this fine hexameter , qui deditante duas , triplicem dabit ille coronam the fury of the leaguers thus paraphrased it in the following distick . qui deditante duas , unam abstulit , altera nutat , tertia tonsoris est facienda manu . besides this in a private cabal held by those of that party , where this execrable design was proposed , it hapning that one in the compan●… , who was more moderate than the rest , demanded , who should be the man that durst put the king in a cloyster ? the cardinal of guise , who was of a hot fiery constitution , after he had reproached him for his faint ●…eartedness , roundly told him , that were the king in his hands , he would for his head between his knees , and immediately make him a monk's crown with the point of a poiniard . an a●…r 〈◊〉 cost him very dear ; for after henry iii had caus'd monsieur de guise , his brother , to be executed , and was considering with himself what he should do with the cardinal , whom he had order'd to be apprehended : col. alphonso d' ornano , father to the mareschal of that name , having put him in mind of these cruel words , and remonstrated to him , that the living brother was infinitely more dangerous than he that was now dead , had ever been ; the king swore he should dye , and immediately sent monsieur de gaast , captain of the guards , with positive orders to dispatch him . this secret solicitation of henry iii. against mary stuart , his own sister in law , queen of scotland , and dowager of france , makes it appear , that to preserve our selves we often sacrifice our allies and relations , and even religion it self to interest , and reason of state. witness what the aforesaid q. elizabeth heretofore told my father , that she held her life by the courtesie of king philip ii. her brother in law , although he was the greatest enemy she had . upon this consideration she kept his picture in her bed-chamber , and made him be looked upon by all the world as her saviour . and in effect he hinder'd her sister mary from putting her to death . for q. mary , second wife to k. philip , being a great catholic , and very infirm , had reason to fear that her sister elizabeth , who was a protestant , when she came to succeed her , would banish the catholic religion out of england , the●…ower ●…ower of london . but. k. philip o●…d the motion with all his power , fearing lest mary stuart , heir to q. elizabeth , who then was marry'd to k. francis ii. should one day beco●… queen of great britain , by right of succession and joyning it to france , as it would unque●…ionably happen if she had any children , by t●…e union of so many kingdoms , a formidable power would be erected , that would u●…erly ruin and confound his vast design of an universal monarchy . at this very juncture the spaniards make religion truckle to interest ; and those grave gentlemen who have so often in their writings reproached us for our alliances with hereticks , and particularly with holland and sweden , in order to recommend themselves with a better grace to the court of rome , at present look upon the hollanders as the greatest support of their monarchy , permitting them to preach publickly in their cities ; nay , to show what a consideration they have for these people , admiral d'ruyter , a little before his death , got a great number of hungarian ministers to be released out of the gallys of naples , whither the emperour had sent them , at one word's speaking to the marquiss de los-velez , the viceroy . thus any body may perceive , that 't is interest only that governs the world , and that a great captain had reason to say , that princes commanded the people , but that interest commanded princes : which is so palpable , so apparent a truth , that the most sacred things among men , have been often devoted to this wicked principle , and the greatest part of crown'd heads observe the rules of iustice and religion no farther , than they find them consistent with their dearly beloved interest . as for what remains , if any scrupulous person shall think sit to quarrel with my memoirs for comparing william prince of orange and admiral colligny , who were both hereticks , and both rebels , to the greatest heroes of antiquity , yet i would not have him conclude that i have the least leaning towards heresy and rebellion , to which i have an equal aversion . my meaning is , that it is a sign of as much , if not more vertue , to make ones self a prince of a private person ; than to be one , and being weak , to resist mighty powers ; than to gain batles , being born to a scepter , as alexander and gustavus adolphus were . kings owe their victories to the valour of their captains and troops , and sometimes to the winds , and to the sun ; that is , to meer fortune . thus cicero speaking to caesar , tells him , that he acquired more glory in pardoning marcellus , and restoring his enemy to his estate and dignities , than if he had gained a great many battels , because his soldiers and officers would attribute the principal honour of it to themselves : and for an undeniable argument , that the gaining of a battle is owine to the experience and courage of the soldery . the prince of conde , who had as much personal bravery as ever any man in the world had , after he had defeated at rocroy the old disciplined regiments of the low-countries , and those of the empire at nordlingue . durst not appear in guyenne before the count of harcourt , who had but a small body of old experienced troops with him , altho the prince had twice the number of new raised men . difference in religion ought not to diminish our esteem of any man. we have seen several good catholicks of very shallow understandings ; as for instance , the cardinal de pelleve , who as he was once haranguing the states general , broke off abruptly , and made nothing on 't , which gave occasion to the following lines : seigneurs etats , excusez le bon-homme , il a laissé son calepin à rome . on the other hand , we have seen some huguenots ; as for instance , monsieur de la none , whom the most celebrated writers have compared to the greatest men of former ages . as for my self , i adore extraordinary merit , where-ever i find it , be it in an heretic , in a rebel ; nay , even in an enemy . the duke of lesse , viceroy of naples , has left an eternal monument of this generous maxim behind him , by erecting a magnificent tomb in st. maries de la nove , at naples , to peter of navarr , with this inscription : petro navarro cantabro , solertissimo in expugnandis urbibus duci , consalvus ferdinandus luessae princeps , ludovici filius , magni consalvi nepos , quamvis gallorum partes secutum , pio sepulchri muncrum honestavit , cum hoc habeat in se praeclara virtus , ut ctiam in hoste sit admirabilis . this hero honour'd vertue in an enemy , in a rebel , and in a deserter ; and not thinking it sufficient to commend him in private , erected a noble mausoleum to his memory . caesar was not less regarded at rome , because he was an epicurean , than if he had been of any other sect of philosophers , who held more favourable sentiments of the divinity and of his providence ; and in our days we more esteem the poetry and history of george buchanan , for all he was a notorious heretic , than the flat insipid verses , or jejune histories of several good catholic authors . generally speaking we follow the opinion we suck'd in with our milk ; and as to matters of religion , 't is a plain case , that we implicitly embrace the sentiments of the doctors of our acquaintance , and believe upon the faith of other people , without searching into the bottom of things . but altho it has been a man's misfortune to have evil parents that have educated him in a false religion , yet this does by no means destroy his moral and heroic vertues , which apparently discover themselves in an extraordinary genius . rebellion is full as detestable as heresy , for 't is a bare-faced revolting against our soveraigns , who are the images , or representatives of god upon earth . nevertheless , one may say , in defence of william prince of orange , that philip ii. occasion'd the defection of the low countries , by his contempt of them , and by violating the priviledges of those provinces , which the emperour charles v. his father always governed with clemency and mildness . and as for what respects admiral coligny , whom i compare to the prince of orange , altho it has been frequently said by his enemies , who were both numerous and powerful , that he served himself of the pretence of the reformed religion , the better to cover his ambition : and after them davila has asserted as much in his history ; yet setting all prejudices aside , t is certain he was firmly perswaded of the truth of his belief , and that the principle motive of his rising up in arms was to support and defend it . his most familiar acquaintance , who pryed diligently into his behaviour , never so much as question'd it , and the ardent prayers he poured out at the moment of his death , as well as several letters to his confidents and relations , which are the faithfullest pictures of the soul , do sufficiently demonstrate it . and here i cannot forbear to exclaim at the massacres of st. bartholomew , wherein abundance of good catholicks were sacrificed to the revenge of their enemies thus it was generally condemn'd by all honest men both in france and elsewhere , except the authors of that barbarous butchery , and their dependants . a latin history lately printed with the king's priviledg , speaking of this bloody execution , has these words , atra illa dies quam sequana non abluat suis undis . and monsieur hardouin de perefixe bishop of rhodez in his history of henry iv as he mentions this massacre , calls it the most abominable action that ever was , and wishes , if it please god , that nothing like it may ever happen again . i don't pretend to injure the memory of king charles ix . nor of the queen his mother , but only say that this action has been universally detested without naming any names : however , if it were necessary to espouse one party or other on this occasion , in my opinion a good frenchman would do much better to interest himself for henry our present king's grandfather , who ran so great a risk of his life , and who was so dishonourably treated on this cruel day , than for charles ix . who scandalously violated his promise . upon this doleful subject henry iv. thus explain'd himself very often , and my father was a witness of it , that the most sensible displeasure he ever receiv'd in his whole life , was that on this fatal day of st. bartholomew , eight hundred gentlemen , all of them men of considerable estates and quality , were basely murdered for their affection to him . these were his very words , and he spoke them when he was king of france , at a certa●…n time when some zealous catholicks came to demand justice of him for certain chronological tables , which the huguenots had printed at geneva before their psalms , where was to be seen , in the year dyed charles the massacrer . to authorize this cruel action , it must not be alledged that it was approved of at rome , where i have seen in the pope's chappel the tragedy of st. bartholomew represented , and the admiral thrown out at the window , with these words at the bottom , pontifex colinii necem probat . i have read these strange words there some fifty years ago , not without a great regret , and a certain pious bishop told me he could never see them without astonishment . to conclude , no one ought to be surpriz'd , that writing the life of william prince of orange , i have set down the substance of his apology against the prosecution of the k. of spain . if it contains any severe passages on the memory of that prince , i am not the first person that divulg'd them . this piece was printed in several languages near a hundred years ago , and was sent by the prince of orange to the emperour rodolphus , and to several other princes of europe , amongst the rest to henry iii. accompanied with a long letter which the k. received kindly , altho this apology , which in truth is none of the gentlest , was against his own brother in law. this is all i have to say upon the subject of these memoirs , which i hope will be approv'd by all lovers of truth , and truth is the mistress i have courted all my life time . the strong aversion i have to flattery and calumny have somewhat transported me against several writers , that don't deserve the name of historians , but only of scurrilous authors , and little low fulsome panegyrists , who being led away by different passions , have endeavour'd to conceal the truth , which i have taken pains to discover , which will appear by several secrets of state , that i have laid open en passant , and which without question , will not be unwelcome to good men . i have nothing more to add , but that i composed these memoirs to pass away some hours of a dull , melancholly solitude , to which i find my self reduced , having been never bred up to hunting , or any other sports of the like nature , which diversions , if they don't make a country life happy , yet they serve at least to render it less tiresome and disagreable . william of nassau prince of orange . founder of the republique of the united provinces . portrait the life of william of nassaw , prince of orange , founder of the commonwealth of the united provinces in the netherlands . no age of all antiquity has produc'd a more extraordinary man than william of nassau , prince of orange . examine all the heroes of plutarch , and all those great men who lived since that admirable historian ; and 't will be difficult to find any upon record , who possess'd more eminently all those virtues and good qualities that enter into the composition of a brave man. the victories and conquests of alexander and caesar do not so much deserve our admiration . the first was master of all greece , and at the head of a war-like and well-disciplin'd army . the other absolutely commanded half the roman legions , who governed all the world. with these great forces and advantages they entred upon the stage , made their first victories the fore-runners to the next , pursued their blow , and one overthrew the empire of the persians , and the other the roman commonwealth . but prince william has equall'd the glory of these great conquerors , by attaquing the formidable power of king philip of spain without any army or forces , and by maintaining himself many years against him . his courage was always greater than his misfortunes ; and when all the world thought him ruin'd , and he was driven out of the netherlands , he entred 'em again immediately at the head of a new army , and by his great conduct laid the foundations of a commonwealth , that covers the ocean with its fleets , and over-matches all europe in the number and strength of its naval forces . his enemies had no other way to ruin him , but by a base treachery , which he might have avoided , if he had reposed less confidence in the love of the people , who served him instead of guards , and considered him as the father and tutelar god of their country . after having reflected on all the illustrious persons that have lived before him , i can meet with no one that equall'd his profound wisdom , heroick courage and constancy under all his adversities , but gaspar de coligny , lord of chastillon , admiral of france ; so great a man , that d'avila his enemy was forc'd to own that he was more talk'd of in europe than the king of france himself . this admiral , after the loss of four battles , was so far from being broken or ruin'd , and continued still so powerfull , that his enemies were oblig'd to grant him a peace ; and had it not been for a treachery , whose memory will be eternally abhorr'd by all good men , he might have ended his days in peace , and done great service to his country by the conquest of the low-countries ; which he propos'd at so favourable a conjuncture , that we might easily have made our selves masters of ' em . but the ill maxims of those divines , who would conform all religion to the humours and passions of princes , and the doctrine , that no faith ought to be kept with rebels and hereticks ; and that 't is lawfull to do a small evil to bring about a greater good , added to the powerfull motive of revenge ; prevail'd over all the ties of honour and faith , which ought always to be sacred and inviolable . william of nassaw , prince of orange , was born in the year , at the castle of dillembourgh , in the county of nassaw . he was nine years page of honour to the emperour charles the fifth , who continually admired his extraordinary good sense and modesty . this great prince took delight to communicate his most important affairs to him , and instruct him , and has often declar'd to those he was most familiar with , that this young prince furnish'd him with expedients and counsels that surpriz'd him , and which otherwise he had never thought of . when he gave private audience to foreign princes and ministers , and prince william was about to retire with the rest of the company , he usually bid him stay . all the world was surpriz'd to see this great and wife monarch esteem him above all those that were about him , and trust him at so tender an age with all the secrets of his empire , the management of affairs , and the weightiest negotiations . he was scarce twenty years old when charles the fifth chose him out among all the great lords of his court , to carry the imperial crown which he resign'd to his brother ferdinand . an office which he discharged with much unwillingness ; assuring his good master , that 't was an unwelcome task he had imposed on him of carrying that crown to another , which his uncle henry count of nassaw had put upon his head. and for a proof that charles the fifth set on less a value on his courage than his prudence ; when philibert emanuel , duke of savoy , was obliged by his own private affairs to be absent some time from the netherlands , tho' the prince was but years old , and was in breda at that time ; charles the fifth of his own accord , against the advice of all his counsel , made him generalissimo , to the prejudice of so many experienc'd captains , and among the rest of count egmont , who was twelve years older , at a time when he had to deal with two great generals mounsieur de nevers , and the admiral of france . but the prince was so far from receiving any blow that campagn , that he built charlemont and philipville in sight of the french armies . i do not pretend to relate all the actions of the prince of orange , which would require a volume , and which so many historians have done in several languages . 't would be a strange itch of writing , and a manifest robbery to publish what may be met with in particular books . my design is only to make some reflections and observations on this great prince , and acquaint the world with some particulars of his life , which i learn'd from my father and other eminent men of that age. but in order to make my history more intelligible and agreeable to those who have not read his life , i was engaged , contrary to my former intentions , by an illustrious person ( to whom i have too many obligations to refuse him any thing ) to make a short abridgment of his life , enough to give a general idea of him , as geographers present us at one view all the old and new world in a little map ; not doubting but a narrow portraicture of so extraordinary a man will cause these particulars i know of his life to be read with greater pleasure , and besides will show to all the world upon what foundations this prince has erected the powerfull commonwealth of the united provinces . besides the esteem the emperour had for his vertue , there was no man at his court whom he lov'd so tenderly as the prince of orange . which he made appear to the last moment of his administration . for at the famous assembly at brussels , a. d. , when the emperour resign'd all his kingdoms to his son philip , 't was remarkable that in so considerable an action he was supported by the prince of orange . all these marks of confidence , and professions of friendship , which the emperour made him , were the cause of his misfortunes . for tho' at his departure into spain the emperour recommended him particularly to the king his son , the spaniards who govern'd him ( for he had been bred always in spain ) being jealous of the growing greatness and good fortune of this young prince , made the king entertain such suspicions of him , that his most innocent words and actions had an ill interpretation put upon 'em , and the refusel which the states made of complying with the demands of the king was laid to his charge . he easily perceived by the cold receptions of the king , that his enemies had ruin'd him in his good opinion : but he was confirm'd in his belief when king philip was going aboard the ship at flushing , which was to carry him into spain . the king looking on him with a great deal of anger , reproach'd him with hindring the execution of his designs by his private intrigues . the prince replying with much submission , that the states had done every thing voluntarily and of their own accord ; the king took him by the hand , and shaking it , answer'd in spanish , no los estadós mas vos , vos , vos , repeating the word vos several times , which the spaniards use by way of contempt , as we say in french toy , ioy , thou , thou . this particular i had from my father , who learn'd it from a confident of the prince of orange , who was present . the prince , after this publick affront , had more wit than to conduct the king aboard his vessel , but contented himself with taking leave of him , and wishing him a good voyage into spain : for he was secure enough in the city , where he was well beloved , and where there was a great concourse of people from all parts to see the king 's embarkment . as a further proof of his disgrace , instead of having the government of the netherlands conferr'd on him , which his ancestors had enjoy'd , and which he passionately desired , he saw cardinal granville , his enemy at the helm , intrusted with all the secrets of the court of spain under margaret of austria , duchess of parma , and governess of the netherlands , who had particular orders to have an eye on his actions , and to communicate no affair of importance to him ; which made him resolve for the preservation of his honour and his life too , which he saw openly threatned , to support himself with the love of the people , and court foreign alliances . from hence 't is reasonable enough to conclude , that king philip by his ill usage of the prince of orange , who had done such great services to the emperour his father , was himself the cause of all the disorders in the low-countries . for had he continued a favourable treatment to the prince of orange , according to the advice and example of his father , he had without dispute been a good subject , and never had taken those desperate resolutions , which kindled a fire that lasted above a hundred years , and cost the lives of so many thousand men , and drain'd the treasure of the indies . this ought to be a warning never to drive great courages to despair . we meet with a thousand instances of this nature in history , but particularly of narses . this famous eunuch , after all his great services were slighted , ( for the empress sophia , wife of iustin the second , had sent him word that she would make him spin with her women , ) replied , that he would weave such a web , that she and the whole empire should never be able to cover . and to make his threatnings good , he call'd the lombards into italy , who conquer'd the best part of it , to which they left their name . this done , without returning to constantinople , he stay'd some time at naples , where he died quietly in his bed , in spite of all the designs of this proud empress , who had sent longinus , a wicked and cruel man , to succeed him , with orders to dispatch him . but before i enter upon the general history of the actions of this prince , 't will be proper to say something of his family , leaving the particulars , which would be too tedious to the genealogists . the house of nassaw is , without contradiction , one of the greatest and ancientest in all germany . for besides its high alliances , the number of its branches , and the honour of giving an emperour near four hundred years since , it has this particular advantage to have continued ten entire ages , and to boast with the state of venice , as a learned man says , that its government is founded upon a basis of a thousand years standing . count oiho of nassaw , who liv'd six hundred years since , had two wives : the first brought him in marriage the country of gueldres , and the other zulphen , which were preserved three ages in the house of nassaw . after him another count otho of nassaw married the countess of viandden , who had great estates in the netherlands , above three hundred years since . his grandson engilbert , the first of that name , count of nassaw , married the heiress of laeke and breda , a. d. , and was grandfather to engilbert of nassaw , the second of that name . this prince was great in war and peace . he won the battle of guinegaste , punish'd the rebellion of bruges , and was governour-general of the netherlands under maximilian the first . he died without children , and made his brother iohn heir of all his estates . this count iohn had two sons , henry and william . the lands in the low-countries fell to henry's share , the eldest ; william the youngest had those of germany . this is that henry count of nassaw , to whose strong solicitations against francis the fifth , charles the fifth owed his empire . this was he , who on the day of his coronation put the imperial crown upon his head : nevertheless , after the conclusion of peace between those great princes , when he was sent by the emperour to do homage for the counties of flanders and artois ; king francis by an incredible generosity forgetting all what was pass'd , married him to claude de chalon , only sister to philibert de chalon , prince of orange , who had been brought up by ann of bretan his mother-in-law . by this means rene de nassaw , and of chalons his only son , was prince of orange , after the death of his uncle philibert de chalons , who died without issue . william count of nassaw brother to count henry , embraced the reform'd religion , and banish'd the catholick out of his dominions . 't was he who was the father of the great william of nassaw , whose life i am writing , who became prince of orange , and lord of all the estates of the house of chalons by the will of rene de nassaw , and de chalon his cosin german , who was kill'd at the siege of st. desier , a. d. . and left no children behind him . the emperour charles the fifth , who was so much obliged to the house of nassaw , was extreamly concern'd to see this young prince bred up a heretick , with much ado he removed him from his father , and placed him near his person , in order to his conversion to the catholick religion , which indeed the prince made a publick profession of as long as the emperour liv'd , and in the beginning of the reign of philip the third . but the prejudice of the education and the new religion which he had suck'd in with his milk , and had a taste of afterwards at the court of france , where the new opinions were very much in vogue when he was a hostage at paris for the peace of cambray , made so strong an impression on him , that he could never wear it off . his father count william of nassaw had five sons and seven daughters , by iulienne countess of stolbourg . the eldest was this william of nassaw prine of orange . the youngest was iohn count of nassaw , who left a numerous and renowned posterity behind him . the three other sons were lodowick , adolphus , and henry of nassaw , who signaliz'd themselves in the civil wars of france and the netherlands : they were never married , and all three died with their swords in their hands , couragiously seconding the design of their elder brother . the seven daughters of william of nassaw were all married , one to the count of bergues , who was mother to that count de bergues , who in our days commanded the spanish armies against his cosin germans , prince maurice , and henry frederick , and afterwards quitted the spanish service upon some disgust . the other six were married to sovereign counts of germany , one amongst the rest to count schouarsbourg , who had the misfortune to be present at antwerp , when iohn iauregny a biscayner had like to have kill'd the prince with a pistol-shot , and at delft when he was assassinated by balthasar guerard a native of the franche comtè . for she never left her dear brother , who loved her entirely . william prince of orange was of a middle stature ; a brown complexion , with chesnut hair , he talked little , thought much , but spoke always to the purpose , and his words passed for oracles . no private man in the time of charles the fifth liv'd with so much splendour as the prince of orange , he entertained all the foreign princes and ministers at his house , and in short was the glory of the emperours court and his sons , who in his proscription which he thunder'd out against the prince of orange , having upbraided him with the favours he had received from him , & how ill he had return'd them , the prince in his apology replyed , that he was so far from having any obligations to the king , or inriching himself in his service , that he had born the principal expence of the court composed of many nations , the king taking so little care of it , that he was forced to desray it out of his own pocket . this splendid way of living , and this engaging manner of insinuating himself into all peoples affections , gain'd him the esteem and friendship of all the world. besides he had a great advantage over all the princes and lords of the emperors court ; the house of nassau having had the honour to produce the emperour adolphus , who was kill'd , a. d. . at the battle of spires , upon whom these verses were made . anno milleno trecent is his minus annis , in iulio mense rex adolphus cadit ense . when king philip who had been bred up in spain , came into the low countries in his fathers lifetime , there appear'd such a vast difference between the father and son , that all the people , and particularly the nobility , conceived as much aversion and contempt for one , as they had love and adoration for the other . the emperour was good natur'd , easie of access , treated all sorts of nations familiarly , and talked to 'em in their own language , which won him an universal respect and veneration . king philip rarely appeared in publick , wore his clothes always in the spanish fashion , talked little , and still spanish , which procured him the general hate of the nobility , and the people of the netherlands , who hating and dreading the pride of the spaniards that govern'd him , demanded of him in full assembly of the states held at gand , to withdraw all foreign troops out of the netherlands , and use their own forces for the security of the towns , and make no stranger governour of the low countries ; these demands surprized , and incensed the king , who believed all was done by the instigation and contrivance of the prince of orange ; but concealing his resentment , he gave the states hopes of complying with their requests . in this assembly he made margaret of austria his natural sister , wife of octavio farnese duke of parma absolute governess of the low countries , created many knights of the golden fleece , and then embarked for spain . at his departure he left orders with the governess , to establish the spanish inquisition the in netherlands , and erect several new bishopricks . these innovations were the original cause of all the civil wars and confusions , so strange an aversion had the people for the very name of the inquisition and the new bishops , whom they considered as the agents , and under officers of the inquisition . anthony perrenot cardinal de granville , first bishop of arras , and then of malines , was minister of state , and had all the management of affairs under the dutchess of parma ; he was son to nicholas perrenot of besancon , secretary of state to charles the seventh , who for his personal merit had advanced him from the quality of a private citizen . this cardinal naturally haughty and insolent , treated the nobility in a very imperious manner . for which they hated him to that degree , that at last count egmont , count horn , and the prince of orange , no longer able to bear his insupportable pride , writ plainly to king philip , that his arrogance and violent proceedings were abhorr'd by all the nobility and people , and would ruin the netherlands if he was not recall'd in time . this remonstrance was considered as a criminal boldness in spain , and from that time they took a resolution to destroy these three lords , and all their adherents . but at that conjuncture they were constrained to dissemble and recall the cardinal . great disorders hapning in the netherlands , count iohn de bergues governour of hainault , and iohn de montmorency , lord of montigny , governour of tornay , were dispatched into spain , with orders to acquaint the king with what had passed , and perswade him to compose the differences by mildness and clemency , rather than by severity and roughness . but both losing their lives there , was a warning to the rest to stand upon their guard. assoon as the prince of orange , who was a great politician , knew of the resolution the king had formed , by the advice of the spanish ministers , and at the instance of cardinal granville , who resented his being driven out of the low countries , of sending the duke of alva with an army of spaniards and italians into the netherlands , he wisely judg'd , that the king design'd to revenge himself on the states , for the demands they had made him , and the forcible removal of the cardinal , which was generally imputed to him . knowing besides , that the alterations which were to be made , would infallibly occasion great convulsions and commotions ; he desired the governess to request the king to give him leave to resign his governments of holland , zeland , utrecht , and burgundy , which was denied him . he was only perswaded to remove from him his brother count lodowick , who was thought to give him counsels which were prejudicial to the peace of the netherlands . which he did not think fit to consent too ; no more than the new oath of fidelity to the king , which many other great men refused to take , for this oath obliging him to root out hereticks , he must consequently have sworn the ruin of his own wife who was a lutheran . besides he alledged , that having already taken the oath of fidelity , 't was needless to take a new one unless they question'd his fidelity . the same course was followed by anthony de lalain count of hochstrat governour of malines , count horn , philip de montmorency , admiral of the low-countries , and henry brederode , baron de viane and vicount of utrecht , descended from the soveraign counts of holland , and by many other lords . a. d. , in april the governess , pressing with great heat , the establishment of the inquisition , and the new bishops , four hundred gentlemen , headed by count lodowick of nassaw and count brederode ( the next day arrived the count de bergues and culembourg , ) met at brussels in the hotel de culembourg , and had the boldness to present a petition which they had drawn up , to the governess in the palace . the heads of this petition were to reject the inquisition , the new bishops , and the publication of the council of trent , which they maintained to be contrary to the interest of the provinces . this boldness let loose the reins to all the seditions and factions in the netherlands , and occasion'd all the sacrileges , all the villainies , and impieties , the breaking down images , demolishing churches , and altars , &c. which are preserved in history , and are abhorr'd by the protestants themselves . this famous petition presented by the nobility marching two by two modestly clad , and arm'd only with their swords , was at first slighted ; and count barlaymont a great confident of madam de parma , because he saw a great many in the company not so rich as himself , told the governess , by way of contempt , that they were a troop of beggars , and that she ought to take no notice , or have any regard to ' em . hence the name gueux or beggars , continued to that party , as that of hugeunots to the protestants of france . the confederate nobility , far from taking offence at this nick-name , applyed it to themselves , and cloathed themselves all in gray cloths , and wore little wooden porringers , and beggars bottles in their hats , and drank healths publickly to the gueux or beggars , at their entertainments . the gentlemen who entred into this association , wore at their collar a medal of gold , on one side of which was stamped the kings image , on the reverse two hands joyn'd , holding a bag with this inscription , fideles au roy jusque a la besace : faithful to the king even to the bag. the greatest lords on their footmens liveries embroider'd dishes , bottles , and beggars bags , glorying in the nick-name , and publishing that they would sacrifice their fortunes to support so just a confederacy . about the end of the year . the prince of orange had a conference at dendermonde with count egmont , horn , hochstrat , and his brother lodowick , to consult of means for their own security , and the good of the provinces ; most of them were of opinion to take up arms , and oppose the entrance of the spaniards into the low countries , who had a design to ruin them , as the prince of orange made appear by letters of the spanish resident at paris , which he had intercepted : but count egmont governour of flanders , and artois , who had a great interest with the souldiers , would not hearken to it , but remonstrated to the assembly , that they ought to trust to the king's clemency and goodness . which he repeated again at villebrook in another meeting , and the prince of orange replyed , that this clemency of the king would be his ruin ; and that the spaniards would make him a bridge over which they would pass into flanders , and which they would break down as soon as they had entred . after this the prince told him , that since he took so little care of his safety , he would provide for his own by retiring into germany . to which the count answered , farewell , prince without land ; and the prince replyed , farewell , count without a head , which prophecy prov'd too true . a. d. . the th . of february the spanish inquisition declared guilty of high treason , all those who had not oppos'd the hereticks of the netherlands . which was in effect condemning all the nobility , which the council of spain had a design to destroy , particularly the great men and governours of provinces , and those who had presented the address against the inquisition : which the king confirm'd by an edict , which bore the same date . this done , he sent the duke of alva with an army of veterane souldiers , composed of spaniards and italians , to succeed margaret dutchess of parma , in the government of the low countries . the duke passed from spain into italy , where having made a rendezyous of his troops , he entred into luxemburg , through savoy , the county of burgundy and lorrain , and crossed all those countries without the least complaint of the inhabitants in so long a march ; so severe was the duke , and so strict an observer of military discipline . the prince of orange , before the arrival of the duke of alva , retired into germany to his county of nassaw , giving out , that under pretence of settling the inquisition , and other illegal things contrary to the liberties and privileges of the provinces , the spaniards design was to force them to rebel , that they might have a plausible pretence of enslaving them , and erecting a despotick government in the netherlands , as a revolted , and conquered nation , in the same manner as they had done with the indies , naples , sicily , milan and sardinia . and indeed the severity , and cruelty of the duke of alva confirm'd what the prince gave out ; not only to the provinces , but all the neighbouring princes , who condemned his unjust and violent proceedings , and particularly the emperour maximilian , a good natured and a merciful prince . at his first coming the duke established a sovereign council of twelve judges , of which he made himself the president . they were all men of the long robe , of no birth nor merit , except le sieurs barlaymont , and norcairme , who were gentlemen of quality . the most eminent was iohn vargas a spaniard , so famous for his cruelty , that the spaniards used to say , they had need of as keen a knife as that of vargas to cut off the gangreen of the low countries . there was also one hessels , a flemming , of this new council , who slept always at the tryal of criminals , and when they awaked him to deliver his opinion , he rubbed his eyes and cryed between sleeping and waking ; ad patibulum , ad patibulum , to the gallows , to the gallows , as william guerin advocate general of the parliament of provence ; who said , when they brought before him , one of herindol suspected of heresie , tolle , tolle , crucifige , in imitation of the iews . this hessels was afterwards hanged upon a tree , without any form of justice or process , by the governours of gand , imbise and rihove , whom he had often threatned by his gray beard to hang. sentences were often passed by only two or three judges of this council , as the judgment against strales a burgomaster of antwerp , which was sign'd only by vargas and two other spaniards . this council was called by the duke of alva , the council of troubles , and by his enemies , the council of blood. by the establishment of this council , which was a supream court of judicature , the duke of alva deprived all the other councils of the netherlands of their power and jurisdiction : for all men , without exception , were denied the liberty of appealing , even the knights of the golden fleece , who by the statutes of their order were to be tryed by their peers alone , in the presence of the king : which was contrary to all privileges . the judges of the country were forbid to take cognizance of the last troubles ; and all the councils of the provinces were to answer before this tribunal . a rich burgher was condemned to death , his hands being tyed behind his back , being bound to the tail of a horse , and mercilesly dragged to the place of execution . the first and second days of iune , eighteen lords and gentlemen were barbarously executed at brussels ; among the rest the two barons of battembourg brothers ; iohn de montigny lord of villiers , and the lord de huy a bastard of the counts of namur ; drums beating all the time of their execution , that their dying speeches might not be heard ; nor the people stirred up to compassion by hearing them complain of the injustice which had been done to them . the fifth of iune following were publickly executed at brussels , count egmont and count horn , several regiments of native spaniards being drawn up in the great square to guard the execution . i may say , that the death of these two lords cost the spanish king the low countries , so universally were they loved and esteemed . the first won the battle of st. quintins and gravelins . the french resident at brussels writ to court , that he had seen that head cut off , which had twice made france tremble . cardinal granville never feared any of the great lords of the netherlands , but the prince of orange , for the rest were not capable of forming or maintaining a party ; and when the news was brought to rome in general , that the duke of alva had seized on all the great lords of the low countries ; he asked whether silence was taken , meaning the prince of orange , and when they told him , no : he replyed , the duke had done nothing . the prince of orange who had put himself into a place of security , was summoned to appear before the supream council , who condemned him for not obeying : for he appeal'd to the states of brabant , his natural judges , and the king himself , because he was knight of the golden fleece ; and consequently , could not be tryed by subdeligate and suspected judges , and his professed enemies , but by the king himself , assisted by his peers the knights . which he represented at large in publick manifesto's to the emperour maximilian and the german princes , who approved his reasons , and condemned the violence of the council of spain , which went so far as to seize on his eldest son william count de buren , who was arrested in the college of louvain at the age of thirteen , contrary to the privileges of the university , and the country of brabant , and afterwards carried prisoner into spain . this hard usage made the prince resolve to pass the rubicon , and hazard all as caesar did , and endeavour to do himself justice , and have satisfaction for his injuries by way of arms. he raised an army in germany , and sent it into friezland under the command of count lodowick his brother , who made a happy beginning of the compaign by the entire defeat of iohn de ligny , count of aremberg , governour of the province , a famous captain ; who the year before was sent general of a considerable army into france , to the assistance of charles the ninth , against the huguenots , who had the boldness to besiege him in paris , after having missed of surprizing him at meaux . this count of aremberg died upon the place : but 't is said , he revenged his death by that of count adolphus of nassau , brother to william prince of orange , and count lodowick , who remained master of the field of battle , of the baggage , and artillery of the spanish army . but count lodowick did not long enjoy the pleasure of this victory ; for the duke of alva fell upon him in the same country with old disciplin'd troops , at a time when the germans , instead of preparing for a vigorous defence against so powerful an enemy , mutinied and demanded their pay , and routed his army , the most part of which were drown'd in the river ems which lay behind them . count lodowick with great difficulty saved his life which he had certainly lost , if he had not met with a little boat , and crossed the river which is very wide as it falling into the seas , leaving all his baggage , and artillery in the hands of the spaniards . the prince of orange , a man of a steady and unshaken courage in all his misfortunes , without being startled at this blow , raises another army of twenty four thousand german horse and foot , which he joyned with a body of four thousand french , commanded by francis de hangest lord of genlis . before he entred into the netherlands , he published a manifesto , in which he lays open the reasons he had to take up arms , clears himself of the crimes he was charged with , excepts against the bloody council , and the duke of alva who pretended to be his judge . he owns that he had quitted the church of rome , for a religion which he thought more agreeable to the holy scripture ; declares that he was forced to make war for the preservation of his country , and to free it from the slavery the spaniards were preparing for it , as in duty bound , being one of the great lords of the netherlands . he hopes that king philip whose good inclinations were obstructed by the ill counsels of the spaniards , will one day better consider the fidelity of the provinces , and the oath he publickly took of preserving their privileges : he says that the laws of the dutchy of brabant dispense with the subjects , from paying that obedience to the errors and mistakes of their princes , which they only owe to their lawful commands , which ought to be conformable to the customs of the province . he added that the brabantines never suffered any prince to take possession of the government before they had agreed with him ; that if the prince breaks the laws , and the constitutions of the dutchy , the subjects shall be absolved from their oath of allegiance , till their injuries are redressed . after this the prince having passed the rhine , crossed the meuse happily between ruremonde and mastreicht , though the duke of alva was on the other side of the river to dispute the passage with him . he passed his foot over at a ford , whilst the horse who stood above , broke the force of the river ; in the same manner as caesar passed the river segre near lerida in catalonia . the duke of alva would not believe the count of barlaymont , who brought him the first news of it , but asked him whether the prince of orange's army were birds . thus the prince of orange entred into brabant . but the duke who would not stake the netherlands upon the success of a battle against a fresh army , and stronger than his own , having fortifyed all the towns , and covering himself with rivers , and posting himself very advantageously , laughed at the prince of orange , who presented him battle every day . for after the prince had made twenty nine incampments , without being able to draw the duke to an engagement , being received into no city , contrary to his hopes , and pressed by famine in a little country , uncapable of supplying longer so numerous an army , and his souldiers mutinying and demanding their pay , ( in one of which mutinies some officers were killed in his sight , and he himself had been shot if the pistol bullet had not lighted on the pommel of his sword , ) he was forced to disband his army , which refused to follow him into france , to the assistance of the huguenots , the greatest part of the officers telling him , that they promised to serve only against spain , not france . he paid the army with the little ready money he had , with his plate , and the money which the sale of his artillery and his baggage yielded him , engaging to the principal commanders , his principality of orange , and his other lordships for the security of what he ow'd them . the extraordinary prudence and firmness of the duke of alva can never be enough admired , who found out an excellent way of beating his enemies without fighting , whereas other victories are usually won by bloody and hazardous battles . he swore to the messenger who came from his eldest son frederick de toledo , and chiapin vitelli , marquess of celone , his mareschal de camp , to press him to give the enemies battle , that 't was a strange thing they would not suffer him to manage the war as he pleased , and that if any durst talk to him of fighting again , he should never return alive . this marquess of vitelli was a brave captain , and had done such great services to the duke of tuscany in his wars , that king philip demanded him of the duke , to command his army under the duke of alva . he behaved himself extreamly well in flanders , and died in the time of the commendador de requisons , who succeeded the duke of alva in the government of the low countries . he was so prodigiously fat , that he was forced to gird up his belly to be able to walk . as he was a great eater , and reckoned an atheist , after his death the gueux made this epitaph on him . o deus omnipotens , crassi miserere vitelli , quem mors praeveniens non sinit esse bovem . corpus in italiâ est , tenet intestina brabantus ; ast animam nemo , cur ? quia non habuit . the prince of orange disbanded his army in strasbourg , where he arrived from the netherlands through the frontiers of picardy , champagne and lorrain . between le quesnoy and cambray , the prince cut off eighteen companies of foot , and three hundred horse , and made almost all the officers prisoners . don rufillé henriquus , son to the duke of alva , with many others , were killed upon the place , which was some satisfaction to him for the blow he had received in brabant , where count hochstrate received a mortal wound , and died not long after very much regretted by the prince of orange , for his valour and unmovable fidelity to his party . philip de morbais lord of louverval , was taken prisoner in the same action , and afterwards beheaded at brussels . the prince out of this great army reserved to himself only a body of twelve hundred horse , and with his brothers , count lodowick and henry , joyned the prince palatine wolfgang , duke of deuxponts , whom he found ready to enter france , to the succours of the huguenots . he was present at the taking of la charité , which was very happy for that party , for if the germans had not made themselves masters of a passage over the river loire , they could never have joyned the admiral . he was afterwards in the battle of roche la ville . d' avila observes , that the prince of orange on this occasion commanded the main battle of the huguenots army , with the count de rochefoucaut , and that count lodowick of nassau his brother , signalized himself in the vanguard against philip strozzi , colonel of the french infantry , who advancing too forward , was made prisoner by the huguenots . the same author assures us , that 't was at roche la ville , where the king of navarre , afterwards henry the great , began to give proofs of the courage , which he has since made appear on so many dangerous occasions . he was afterwards at the siege of poictiers which was fatal to the huguenots , for when they had ruined their army before the place , they were forced to raise the siege to relieve chatelleraut . at last he quitted the camp at foy la binese near richelieu , disguised like a peasant , with four men in his company ; and after having crossed tourrain and berry with great difficulty , he arrived at la charité , and then montbeliard , from whence he retired into his county of nassau to raise new forces . his brother count lodowick was afterwards at the battle of moncountour , whence he saved himself in company of the admiral de chatillon , and a body of the huguenot horse . this year the admiral advised the prince of orange to give out commissions for commands at sea , to several persons of quality , who had been driven out of the low countries by the duke of alva , who after having put to death a vast number of men , forced all people to pay the tenth penny for the sale of their moveables , the twentieth for immoveables , and the hundreth penny for all they possessed . the admiral assured the prince , that if he could once set footing in holland or in zealand , countries very strongly situated , 't would be difficult to force him out , because he was so well beloved by the people , who would never fail him at his need . william lord of lumay , descended from the count de la mare , was the chief of these refugees . he and his associates were called the sea gueux by way of distinction from the land gueux . this advice of the admiral was very useful to the prince of orange , and was a sort of prophecy of his establishment in those provinces , for by this means he possessed himself of all holland and zealand , and was as successful and victorious at sea , as he had been unfortunate at land ; for 't was observed , that in ten years continual war , the spaniards were always beaten by the hollanders at sea. in the year . peace being concluded with the huguenots , the court of france , the better to amuse and over-reach the huguenots , made a shew of employing them against the netherlands , under the conduct of the duke of alenzon , admiral colligny , and count lodowick of nassau . the court pretended to be dissatisfied with the king of spain , for poysoning isabella of france his wife , whose death the french gave out they would revenge , and the murders of the french that had been massacre'd in florida by the spaniards . they promised to the prince of orange by count lodowick his brother , whom they had loaded with honours and caresses , a considerable supply of men and money , and the sovereignty of zealand , utrecht , and friezland , and that they would joyn the other provinces to france . the prince of orange , upon these great hopes and appearances which proved false , refused a very advantageous and secure treaty , which the emperour , offered him from the part of the king of spain , and sent forces under the command of his brother-in-law the count de bergues , to make an attempt upon gueldres and over-yssel . the count took zutphen and several other places . his brother count lodowick was to make a considerable effort on the side of hainault , where he surprized mons , the capital of that province , which diversion hindred the duke of alva from retaking the cities of holland and zealand that had newly declared against him , and which he might easily have done at a time when they were unprovided of forces and necessaries for their defence . but nothing incensed the duke of alva so much as the surprizing of mons which he resolved to recover at any rate , leaving every thing else to apply himself wholly to this seige , which gave time to the revolted cities to draw breath , and furnish themselves at leisure with men and ammunition . the brave defence of count lodowick , assisted by mounsieur de la nove bras de fer , and many of the french nobility , made the siege of mons very long and difficult . the spaniards fired above canon-shot against it . in the mean time the prince of orange who had retired into germany , had raised a greater army than his first , to enter into brabant , where the cruelty and exactions of the duke of alva made him hope for better success than he had in his first invasion . this army was to be paid with the money the french court had promised to supply him with . thus the prince believed with reason that the spanish forces would not be able to defend the low-countries , attack'd on so many sides by land , whilest by sea they were gauled by the counts de la mark , sonoy , treton , the brothers boisols , and bertel entens his lieutenants in holland and zealand , where they had great success , as i shall afterwards declare . the spaniards were never in so great danger of losing the netherlands as at that conjuncture . the hopes of the prince were not groundless , and in all probability the spaniards had been quite driven out of the low-countries , if france had made good its promises . thus this great man , who had so many strings to his bow , parted from germany with a great army to enter into the low-countries , when he found all people driven to despair by the tyranny of the duke of alva , and ready to receive him with open arms . first he was received into ruremonde , where he passed his army over the bridge into brabant . louvain gave him a sum of money , and malines opened its gates to him , which cost that poor city very dear . the duke of alva was absent at the siege of mons which he resolved to take , and the prince designed to relieve , as well to save so important a place , as to deliver his brother lodowick from the danger he was in . but mr. de genlis who marched from france to the relief of the place with horse and foot , having been defeated and taken prisoner by frederick de toledo , who had gone out to meet him , upon the secret intelligence which he received from the court of france of his marching towards mons , and the condition of his forces . the prince having attempted in vain to raise the siege , for the duke of alva had intrenched himself so strongly that 't was impossible to force his lines , and at the same time understanding by the discharging of the great guns and other signs of rejoycing in the camp , of the massacre of st. bartholomew , where admiral de chatillon and all his principal friends had been kill'd , and having no hopes from the french who had deceived him , but on the contrary having all the reason in the world to be apprehensive of so great a kingdom which had declared against his party and religion , he advised his brother lodowick to make an honourable composition , which was granted him , and he himself retired by small marches towards the rhine . in this retreat he was in great danger of being kill'd by the enemies and his own soldiers . for the german officers talked of arresting him to secure the payment of their arrears , which they were promised should be paid at their arrival in brabant , where he expected to receive the money the french had promised him . but this eloquent and engaging prince appeas'd the mutiny , by assuring them 't was not his fault , and satisfied them with promises and the little ready money he had . on the other side he was in great danger of his life at malines ; spanish horse , who had chosen men mounted behind them , entered into his camp by night , and pierced as far as his tent , and would have killed him as he slept , if a little dog who lay in his bed , had not waked him by scratching his face with his claws ; the greatest part of the spaniards being cut off , he marched strait on to the rhine , where he disbanded his army at orsay , and went through over-yssell to utrecht , and thence to holland and zealand , which had declared for him , all except middleburg and amsterdam , in the following manner . whilest the prince of orange was a refugee in france and germany , and wandring from province to province , william de la mark boissols . siegneurs de lumay , sonoy , treton , the boissols entens , and others who acted under the orders of the prince , turned pirates and practised the trade a long time with great success , till having no longer a retreat in the ports of england , which queen elizabeth denied them at the instance of the duke of alva , and for fear of making the spaniards her enemies , the count de la mark and the rest , designing to seize a port in north-holland or friezland , were obliged by the contrary winds to put in for shelter , with great and small ships , into the isle of vorn in holland where the brill is , which they took by surprize , having found it without a garrison , which was sent to punish utrecht for refusing to pay the tenth penny . this count de la mark was a rash and a cruel man. he swore never to shave his beard nor head till he had revenged the death of count egmont and horn. when he had surprized the brill , which signifies spectacles in the flemish tongue , he had himself painted in a large piece , with the duke of alva behind , whom he stood and put spectacles on his nose by way of derision , it being a term of contempt in holland , to say a man wants light . he put ten pieces of money in his colours in hatred of the imposition which the duke of alva had established , and to make him more odious . the count de bossut governor of holland for the spaniards , made a fruitless attempt to drive them out of the brill . many other cities of holland , viz horn , alkmar , edam , goude , oudewater , leyden , gorcum , harlem , and all zealand , except middleburg , following the example of the brill , abandoned the duke of alva , and declared for the prince of orange . flushing , a considerable city and port of zealand , was one of the first that revolted , by the perswasion of the priest , who on easter-day , as he was saying mass , exhorted the people to recover their liberty . this air of sedition having blown the people into a flame , they immediately went to their arms , and forced the spanish garrison to leave the place . but they arrested alvarez pacheco , a spaniard and relation of the duke of alva , who was superintendant of the fortifications of the cittadel which was building at flushing . he was immediately hanged by order of treton , who revenged on him the death of his brother , who had been beheaded by the duke of alva at brussels years before . pacheco in vain represented that he was a gentleman , and desired the favour to be beheaded , but he was hanged publickly on a gibbet . i wonder at the variety of opinions i have met with in the most famous historians of the netherlands concerning this pacheco . grotius says he was a savoyard , though benlivoglio , strada , meursius and emanuel de metteren , do all agree he was a spaniard . cardinal bentivoglio says he was beheaded , and others write that he was hanged : on the other side meursius calls this gentleman who was executed , a relation of the duke of alva , pacioli , although the others call him pacheco , confounding this pacheco with francis paciotti of urbin , count de montefabre , so famous for his skill in fortifications and other engines of war , that when he had built the cittadel at antwerp , his name was given to one of the bastions by order of the duke of alva , the four others were called the duke , ferdinand , toledo and alva , not one by the name of the king his master but to return to this pacheco , emanuel de metteren , though a very exact historian , names him pierre pacheco , though famianus strada , who was better informed , names him alvarez . which shows that the greatest men are liable to mistakes . the sea gueux in requital of the duke of alva's cruelty , hanged all the prisoners they made without distinction , but the spaniards they tyed by couples back to back and threw them into the sea. as soon as the prince of orange arrived in holland and zealand , he made the sieur diederic or theoderick de sonoy , a friezland gentleman , his lieutenant in north-holland , otherwise called westfrise , and charles b●…issol governor of flushing , and his brother lewis boissol admiral these two gentlemen were of brussles , and being condemned by the duke of alva , follow'd the ●…ortunes of the prince of orange . about that time the states of holland and zealand met at dordrecht , where they acknowledg'd the prince of orange for their governour , though he was absent , and obliged themselves by oath never to abandon him , and the prince in like manner swore by his proxy philip de marnix sieur de st. aldegonde , to continue inviolably devoted to their interests . 't was observed in this assembly that st. aldegonde gave his hand to all the deputies of the states , and they to him , in token of their mutual confidence and fidelity . william count de la mark then present , was declared lieutenant of the prince of orange , but rebelling some time after against the prince with his confidentt bertel entens as rash as himself ; they were both seized on , and they would have proceeded to the trial of the count , if the consideration of his alliances and great services had not pleaded for him , for he had been guilty of great cruelties to some good ecclesiasticks which deserved a severe punishment . after he was out of prison he retired to leige where he died of the bite of one of his mad dogs . the prince did all things in the name of the states , though he had all the power of the government in his own hands , such an intire confidence had the people in him . there were anciently but six cities in holland that had right to vote in the states , viz , dordrecht , harlem , leyden , delft , amsterdam and goude , the prince added twelve others to these six , viz , rotterdam , gorcum , schedam , sconen , la brille , alkmar , horn , enkhusen , edam , munikedam , medimblet and purmerend , that he might engage these cities in his interest by the honour he had done them , and that they might be the better affected to him in the assembly of the states , and ease the publick miseries and grievances the more effectually by being acquainted with them . he had the absolute disposal of all employments and charges , but refused the name of king and contented himself with the power . at that time he banished all the romish ceremonies out of the churches , that this difference of religion might out off all means of an accommodation with the spaniards who were sworn enemies to the new opinions . a. d. the duke of alva , after the recovery of mons , being very much indisposed , sent his son don frederick de toledo , to take the cities of holland and guelderland that had revolted from him . don frederick resolved to make malines an example , for opening its gates to the prince of orange : he did not think it enough to pillage the town for several days together , but permitted his souldiers to commit all sorts of cruelties and barbarities , even to ravish the women , without excepting the nuns . after this he marched against the marquess of bergues , routed him , and possessed himself of all the towns he had won , among the rest of zutphen , which he mercilesly gave up to the plunder of his army . he retook narden and intirely destroyed it , cutting off the innocent and guilty without distinction of age or sex , and contrary to the promise which iulian romero a spanish colonel , had made to the burghers of saving their lives , he burnt the houses , razed the walls , let the dead bodies lie three whole weeks in the streets without burial . an excess of barbarity which was considered by the most cruel , rather as a detestable villainy , than a just punishment for their revolts . this made harlem take a resolution to hold out to the last extremity , having to do with so merciless a conqueror . the dutch historians write that the art of printing was begun at harlem , a. d. . by laurence le contre , and thomas pieterson his son-in-law ; but that their factor iohn faustus betraying them , carried away the letters to amsterdam , then to cologne , and from thence to mayence , where he stopt , and where iohn guttemburg , a german gentleman , who is commonly reckoned the inventor of printing , improved it very much . wibald riperda a friezland gentleman , commanded in the city of harlem , and don frederick declared , that he would make use of no other keys to enter the city than his canon . but this proved a long and a bloody siege , having lasted from december . to iuly . the spaniards lost above four thousand men before it , among others the sieur crossonier , great master of the artillery , and bartholomew campi de besoro an excellent engineer . there was so great a famine in the city , that a little child three years old was dug up by its parents some days after it was buried , to prolong their miserable life . during this siege don frederick , tired with its length , and despairing of good success , talked of returning into brabant ; but the duke of alva , blaming his impatience , sent him word that if he resolved to raise the siege he himself would come in person , sick as he was to carry it on . but if his indisposition hindred him , he would send into spain for his mother to supply the place of her son. this reproach made don frederick resolve to continue the siege . in the heat of the siege , the spaniards having thrown into the city the head of a man with this inscription ; the head of philip konigs , ( id est , king , ) who came to relieve harlem with an army of two thousand men , and aftewards another with this inscription ; the head of anthony le peintre , who betrayed mons to the french. the inhabitants of harlem , put to death eleven spanish prisoners , and put their heads into a barrel which by night they rolled into the enemies camp : with this inscription . the citizens of harlem pay the duke of alva ten heads , that he may no longer make waer upon them for the payment of the tenth penny , which they have not yet paid , and for interest they give him the eleventh head. as they had hopes that the siege would be raised , they suffered themselves to be transported to prophane mockeries , making the images of priests , monks , cardinals , and popes , and then tumbled them down from the top of the walls , after they had stabbed them in a hundred places at last the city being reduced to the greatest extremity , by an unheard of famine , which swept away above thirteen thousand persons , and all hopes of relief being vanished by the defeat of the succours , which the count de la mark , and the baron de balemberg were bringing to the city , they were obliged to surrender at discretion , by the crys of the women and children , for the men had resolved to sally out in a body , and cut out an honourable passage with their swords through the enemies army . the spaniards forced the citizens to pay a great summ of money , to hinder the entire destruction of the place ; and hang'd and drown'd above two thousand persons in some few days ; among others all the ministers , the principal men of the city , and the officers of the troops . wibald riperda governour , and lancelot a bastard son to brederode , were both beheaded . the cruelty of the spaniards at harlem , instead of doing their cause service , ruin'd it , and made the people resolve rather to suffer the last miseries , than submit to so cruel and tyrannical a government . thus the little city of alkmar bravely repulsed all their attacks , and the prince of orange surprized gertrudemberg which belonged to him in his own right , and which covered dordrecht . about the same time maximilian de henin , count de bossut , a famous captain , and very much valued by the duke of alva , who was made governour of holland , was taken in the zuider-zee , which is the sea of amsterdam , and his fleet defeated by that of the prince of orange . his great ship was also taken , which he called the inquisition to reproach the dutch , with the principal cause of their revolt . this count was carried to horn , where he remained prisoner four years , till the pacification of ghent . the spaniards having taken prisoner at the hague , philip de marnix sieur de st. aldegonde , minister of state to the prince of orange , he assured the duke of alva , that he would treat the count de bossut , in the same manner as he did st. aldegonde . the prince of orange can never be enough commended for his good nature , in treating the count with so much kindness , and civility , though not long before he had corrupted a burgomaster of delft , and prevailed upon him to betray the prince , and deliver him into his hands , whilst he was walking out of the city . but the conspiracy was discovered by a letter intercepted from the count to the burgomaster . about that time the duke of alva and his son were recalled into spain ; king philip having found out too late , that their cruelty confirmed the ▪ low-countries in their rebellion . lewis de requesens , great commander of the order of st. iames in castile , and governour of milan , who had a great share in the famous victory of lepanto , succeeded the duke of alva in the government of the netherlands . the duke at his departure boasted , that he had put to death by the hands of the hangman , above eighteen thousand men , yet cruel vargas who returned into spain with him , cryed at parting , that his clemency and gentleness had lost the king the netherlands . a. d. . middleburg the capital city of zealand , having been a long time defended by that renowned captain christopher de mondragon , and endured a great famine , and after the defeat of the spanish fleets , who attempted in vain to relie●…e it , was reunited to the rest of the province . this siege lasted two years , and the spaniards spent above seven millions in the several fleets they set out to succour it . the prince of orange so successful at sea , had always ill luck at land. for the fourth army which count lodowick of nassau brought him out of germany , to assist him in driving out the spaniards from the rest of holland , was defeated near nimeguen by sancho d'avila , a general of great experience , who from a private souldier , had advanced himself , through all the degrees and employments of war , to that great command . the germans of count lodowicks army , instead of providing for their own , and their general 's defences , fell to mutiny according to their usual custom , and demand their pay. in this action , count lodowick and his brother count henry of nassau , and christopher count palatine , were all three killed . d'avila remained master of the field of battel , of sixteen pieces of canon , and all the baggage . this battel was fought in the beginning of the government of requesens . the prince of orange who loved his brothers tenderly , was sensibly afflicted with this loss . but he abated nothing of his constancy and courage . a. d. . the spaniards , encouraged by the defeat and death of the two brothers of the prince of orange , laid siege to the city of leyden , which after a long and unparallell'd famine , was miraculously saved by breaking down the banks , which drowned a great many spaniards , and by the succours which was conveyed into the city , by an infinite number of boats that swam on the lands that were overflown . when the prince represented to the states , the damage which the breaking down the dikes would occasion , they replyed , that a country spoiled was worth more than a country lost . but in regard this was a very memorable siege i think fit to say in general , that they had built two hundred flat bottomed boats , with twelve , thirteen , fourteen , sixteen , and eighteen oars . the greatest carried two pieces of canon before , and two on the sides ; they sent for eight hundred seamen from zealand , who had all little pieces of paper in their hats with this inscription ; rather serve the turk than the pope and spaniard , upbraiding them with the violence they used to their bodies and consciences . this fleet was commanded by the admiral louis bossut . one of the seamen having plucked out the heart of a spaniard , eat it publickly all raw , and bloody , so violent is the aversion and passion of these country-men . they had no bread in the city for seven weeks , and their daily allowance to a man was half a pound of horse-flesh or beef , but by good fortune to the city , that very day the spaniards drew off , twenty six fathoms of the wall fell down , and a north wind dryed up the greatest part of the water , and they must unavoidably have fallen into the power of the spaniards , if they had stayed only one day longer . such an accident happened at rochelle , for a little after the surrender , a tempest broke down a great part of the bank. in this siege they made paper money with this inscription : haec libertatis imago . they coyned tin money at alkmar , and had five hundred rix dollars for five thousand pieces of that coin. before the relief of leyden , ferdinand de la hoy , the new governour of holland , and the sieur de liques , governour of harlem , sollicited the citizens of leyden to surrender , flatterring them with a good and favourable treatment . they answered him only with this latin verse , fistula dulce canit voluerem dum decipit anceps . continuing to perswade them by letter to a surrender , they replyed , that they would defend themselves to the last extremity , and that if they hadspent all their provisions , and had eaten their left hands , they should have still their right hands remaining , to guard themselves from the tyranny of the spaniards , and that they remembred the cruelties which had been committed at malines , zutphen , harden , and harlem . the prince of orange after the relief of leyden , was received into the city as a god. he preserved and embalmed seven pigeons in the town-house , in token of his perpetual acknowledgement of the service they did him in carrying the letters of the besieged to him , and his answers back again . at that time he founded the university of leyden , setled annual revenues upon it , and endow'd it with great privileges . the year before , the prince , having lost his second wife anne of saxe , married charlotte de bourbon , daughter to the duke of montpensier , who had retired to the court of frederick the third elector palatine . the marriage was celebrated at the brill , where she was conducted from heydelberg , by the siegneur de st. aldegonde . she had been a nun formerly , and abbess of iouarre . the father , a zealous catholick , demanded his daughter of the elector , by monsieur the president de thou , and after that by monsieur d'aumont . the elector offered to restore her to the king , provided she might be allowed the free exercise of her religion , but mr. de montpensier choosing rather to have his daughter live at a distance from him , than see her before his eyes make profession of a religion , which was so much his aversion , gave at last his consent to the marriage , and gave her a fortune . after the siege of leyden , a treaty of peace was set a foot at breda , but it did not take effect . the states of holland and zealand demanded the departure of the spaniards out of the netherlands , the meeting of the states general , and the liberty and exercise of their religion . requesens , on the contrary , offered to withdraw the spaniards , and a general act of oblivion of all things passed , and the re establishment of their privileges , but added that the king of spain would never tolerate any other religion in his dominions , than the roman catholick . the treaty of peace being broken of , the states coyned money , on one side of which was stamped the lyon of holland , holding a naked sword with this motto ; securius bellum pace dubiâ , war is safer than a doubtful peace . about the same time the commander requesens made himself master of zirczee in zealand , by the incomparable gallantry of christopher de mondragon , who waded over several leagues of the sea to the amazement of all the world , and the great hazard of his troops . but requesens dying not long after , the spanish and german soldiers mutinyed for want of pay , and fell to ravage all the country . they sack'd maestritcht , and antwerp it self , where the loss was computed at twenty four millions in money and other moveables , and in the destruction of houses . the plundering of this great city lasted several days , and was called the fury of the spaniards , many of whom made their guards of their swords and corselets of pure gold , but the goldsmiths of antwerp mixed copper with it . the spaniards made prisoners in antwerp , count egmont , the seigneur de goignie , and the baron de capres . this last making a low bow to hieronimo rhode chief of the muniteers , who sate in an elbow chair at the entrance of the citadel , received a kick in the belly from this insolent spaniard , who told him by way of scorn , that he had nothing to do with his reverence . the spanish and german troops after the taking of antwerp , living with insupportable licentiousness , and committing great barbarities , the provinces who continued firm to the obedience of the king of spain , called in the prince of orange to their assistance , for they lay exposed to all the robberies and insolence of those mutineers , and declared the spaniards enemies to the king and country . at that time all the provinces of the low countries , except luxemburg which is divided from the rest , united for their common defence , and made the famous treaty of peace at ghent , a. d. . containing twenty five articles , the principal of which were , that there should be a general amnesty of all that was past . that all things should continue in the same posture they were in at that time . they took a solemn oath to mutually assist each other to free the country from the yoke of the spaniards and other foreigners . that all placarts and condemnations , which were made upon the account of the late troubles , should be suspended till the meeting of the states general . that all prisoners particularly the count de boissut should be set at liberty . that the pillars , trophies and statues with inscriptions , which had been erected by the duke of alva should be pluck'd down , particularly that which was set up in the court of antwerp , and the pyramid he had raised , in the place where the hotel de culembourg stood , which he had razed , because the nobility met there to draw up an address against the inquisition . at that time all men believed the king of spain had entirely lost the netherlands , for he was forced to comply with the time , and ratify and approve the peace . in pursuance of this treaty the castles of ghent , valenciennes , cambray , utrceht and groeningen were demolished ; all friezeland declared for the states , and gaspar de robb who had married the heiress of billy and malepert , governour of the province was laid close prisoner in the town-house of groeningen with irons on his legs . this gaspar a man of sense and courage , was son to king philip's nurse , and native of robb in portugal . he was advanced and employed by margaret of parma , and in her time was governour of philipville . he was released out of prison , by vertue of the perpetual edict , which was made under the government of don iohn of austria . christopher de vasquez who had hid himself in the monastery of the cordeliers , shaved and disguised like a monk , was also taken ; and carried in that habit into the great square of groeningen , the people crying out in mockery . that they had got a new bishop favourer of the inquisition . upon this subject , i cannot forbear observing , how addicted the people of these countries are to turn their enemies into ridicule upon the least good success , as they did after the taking of levarden in friezland , for the states having surprized it , they brought all the monks , and priests into the great square , where their troops were drawn up in battalia , and placed them by ranks , between the ranks of the souldiers , and then conducted them out of the city in the same order , at the sound of fises and drums , with incredible mockeries , and there left them without doing them any other injury than laughing at them . they had already given proofs of this inclination to derision and raillery , after the surprizing of the brill , in that picture which i mentioned before , where count de la mark put spectacles on the duke of alva's nose , and at harlem ; where the citizens believing , that don frederick de toledo would raise the siege , made processions of images clad like monks , priests , and cardinals , holding the figures of the blessed sacrament , which they flung down from the tops of their walls . i my self at twelve years old , observed the particular bent of this nation to mockery . my father who was embassador into holland , had put to board in the year . with doctor iohn gerard vossius a german , and native of heidelburg , who has published a vast number of learned works : my elder brother , my self , and my younger brother called daniel , who was killed in the battle of harlingen , in the year , who had so great a genius for the mathematicks , that he would have equal'd , the reputation of galileus , and archimedes , if death had not snatch'd him away in the flower of his age. that year . maurice prince of orange ; having forced the marquess ambrose spinola , to raise the siege of bergen-op-zoom , assisted by count ernest of mansfield , and duke christian of brunswick ; the cities of the low countries were transported , with inexpressible joy. among others leyden joyned derision to its publick rejoycings . this doctor 's house stood before the square of the church call'd hoguetanskirk , where was one of the greatest bonfires . upon the top of the pile was placed a great spinning wheel , which they call spin in dutch , and round it little tickets of paper , on which was written the name of spinola general of the spanish army . upon the cord of the wheel there were other tickets , with the names of gonsolvo de cordoua , one of the chief commanders of the spanish army . upon the wheel was a great distaff loaded with flax , which they call ulasque in dutch , and upon it was writ the name of don louis de valasco , general of the horse ; this done they put fire to it , and the people over-joy'd , fancied they had burnt these generals with their names . this bears some resemblance with the rebus's of picardy , and acquainted me at that time , with the raillying humour of these people . pursuant to this inclination of the people , 't was reported with probability , some years since , that the sieur van beuningen , which is the sieur du boudon in french , had caused himself to be ingraved an a medal , like another ioshua making the sun stand still , meaning that he had put a stop to , and been the iupiter stator of the french king's conquests , who had taken the body of the sun for his device . but persons very well informed , have assured me that 't was a scandal fastned on him , to cast an odium upon him , and his nation , at our court , and that the medal was never seen , nor had ever any being , unless in the imaginations of those men , who contrived the story . it is true , that the united provinces , after the peace of aix la chapelle , all the honour of which they assum'd to themselves , puffed up with the glory of a treaty , which they imagined so advantageous to them , coyned medals with a pompous motto , which their enemies call'd proud , and which as i am assured was this , assertis legibus & sacris , defensis exteris regibus , vindicata perorbem christianum marium libertate , egregiâ pace virtute armorum partâ . batavia p. which i thus translate in favour of the ladies . having vindicated our religion and laws , and defended foreign kings , our allies , and established the security of navigation in the seas of the christian world , and made a glorious peace by the force of our arms , the states-general , &c. the consideration of which made monsieur de lamoignon , the greatest and most famous man in france for his learning and vertue , say to me , that the romans , after the destruction of numantia , and carthage , the rival of their empire , could not have talked of their victories in more lofty and magnificent terms . at the end of the year . the states-general seeing that those medals drew upon them the envy and hatred of the most powerful monarchs , suppressed them as well as they could , by breaking the coins and molds , insomuch as there remain very few unless in the hands of the curious . these proud medals with the continual and insolent reflections of the amsterdam gazzette , which took a liberty of openly rallying all things without sparing crowned heads , which ought always to be respected . was not the least motive of the last war. 't is this gave credit to the imaginary medal of the sieur van beuningen , whose airy and extravagant discourses made any thing to be believed of him . upon this subject i may affirm with reason , that those men are the wisest who are never arrogant in good fortune , which many easily change into bad by the ordinary revolutions of the affairs of this world , which suffer nothing to be settled or lasting besides moderation make men lamented when they are unhappy ; but we rejoice at the misfortune of insolent persons . when duke charles of burgundy had been defeated by the suisses , he sent the seigneur de contay his favorite , to louis the xi . at lyons , to court his friendship in the most humble and submissive terms imaginable , contrary to his usual custom ; upon which philip de comines says these very words , if a prince would take my advice , he should behave himself with so much moderation in prosperity , that he should never be forced to change his language in adversity . he adds , that the seigneur de contay , as he pass'd through lyons , had the mortification to hear songs sung in honour of the victorious suisses , and to the disgrace of his master , whom they had routed . but most princes and ministers display all their sails to the favourable gales of good fortune , without thinking of contrary winds which often shipwrack them . since we have been talking of the sieur beuningen or boudin in french , i make this observation , that at the beginning of the war , the principal officers and ministers of holland had very odd pleasant names . their great manager of business was the sieur de boudin , in english , pudding ; their mareschal de camp the sieur urst , dead lately at hamburgh , ( he was of holstein , of mean birth , and raised his reputation by defending cracovia so long time for the swedes against the imperialists . ) urst in dutch signifies hogs guts season'd ; their other general that defended groeningen and retook grave , was the sieur de rabenhaupt , which is ravens-head ; and one of their colonels was paen , bread , and vin , wine , who had his head cut off . 't was observed also that the swedish ministers and commanders had strange names , oxenstiern signifies ox-forehead . one of their most famous colonels was called douffell , which is devil , who was killed at the battle of leipsick ; and another sthtang , a serpent ; and colonel wolfe , who defended stetin so bravely . i am of opinion these digressions will not be disagreeable to the reader , which serve to divert and refresh him after he has been tir'd with narrations all of the same nature . this has been practised by herodotus and others with general approbation . but to return to our principal subject , the affairs of the low countries . don iohn of austria , natural son to charles the v. famous for the victory of lepanto , succeeded the commander de requesens in the government of the netherlands , and arrived at luxemburg the very day that antwerp was sack'd . he went incognito through france , and passed for an attendant of octavio de gonzague , and saw henry the iii. at dinner ; and at paris he was informed of the state of the low countries by don diego de zunega the spanish embassador . don iohn of austria despised the dutch , and thought them very easy to be imposed upon , as did the duke of alva , who used to say , he would stifle the hollanders in their butter . but these heavy stupid men , as he thought them , having more solidity and good sense than florid wit , easily discovered that he had a design to deceive them by fair words and affected civilities . he was at that time thirty years old , a man of high and ambitious thoughts : he had formed a project of making himself king of tunis by the assistance of the pope , but king philip would never hearken to it . afterwards being made governour of the low-countries , he had a design to depose queen elizabeth , and rescue mary queen of scots , whom he pretended to marry by the favour of the guises her relations , who encouraged him to this attempt for their own private interests . these vast designs gave great jealousy to king philip , who was apprehensive with reason , left a war-like prince as he was and who had won so much reputation over all europe , by gaining the battle of lepanto , by this new accession of power , suffering himself to be hurried away with his ambition and the natural desire of empire , should one day endeavour to make himself master of his dominions to the prejudice of his children . these thoughts frightned him extreamly , with reflection on the old example of iugurtha , who , though a bastard , possessed himself of the kingdom of masinissa by the murder of the lawful heir ; and the fresher instance in his own family , of henry the bastard , his predecessor , who dispossessed and put to death pedro the cruel the lawful king of castile . king philip , who to rid himself of the like fears had not spared his own son don carlos , had more wit than to suffer any longer the just grounds of suspicion which his bastard brother gave him , he resolved to set himself at ease of that side . iohn d' estovedo secretary to don iohn , who was accused of inspiring his master with these ambitious designs , being dispatched into spain about some affairs of consequence , he was privately assassinated by antonio perez , secretary of state , and favorite to king philip , by his orders ; whose death made all the world believe , that iohn's , which happened not long after , had been hastned . upon iohn's arrival into the netherlands , his favouring the spaniards who were declared publick enemies , made a rupture between him and the states , who took up arms against him by the advice of the prince of orange . he earnestly exhorted them not to suffer themselves to be deceived by the false hopes which don iohn gave them from the part of the king of spain , representing to them that angry princes dissemble for some time , but they never forget an injury but when 't is out of their power to revenge it , and that they are sparing of no words nor promises to conceal their resentments ; quoting that maxim of the roman emperours , that they who had offended their princes ought to be numbered among the dead . in fine , the perpetual edict was concluded between the states on one side , and don iohn on the other in the name of the king , by the mediation of the emperour rodolphus and the duke of cleves and iuliers , on the th of febr. an. dom. . by this the treaty of ghent was ratified , a general amnesty granted , and the holding of the states . the departure of the spaniards and germans out of the low-countries was agreed to , and that they should leave behind them all the provisions , ammunitions and atillery which were in their garrisons . the spaniards promised to punish the soldiers who had been guilty of so many outrages , and to set at liberty the count de burin prisoner in spain . but the prince of orange , and the states of holland and zealand , entered their protestation against the edict , maintaining , that a great many things , particularly those which related to religion had not been sufficiently explained . in pursuance of this perpetual edict , the spaniards went out of the castle of antwerp , and philip de croy duke of arschoite was made governour of it , who took an oath publickly bare-headed to iohn escovedo , that he would keep the castle of antwerp for king philip his master and deliver it up to no man but himself or his successors , but by his express command ; to which escovedo replyed , if you perform what you promise , god will help you ; if not , the devil take you , body and soul ! and all the standers by cryed , amen . by virtue of this edict all prisoners were released on both sides , the count egmont , the sieur de s. goignie , the sieur de capres , and others in the custody of the spaniards , and gaspar de robb , and others by the states . this done , don iohn was received into brussels in great state , as governour-general of the low-countries : but beginning to oppress the provinces , pursuant to the private orders he received from the court of spain , which were discovered by several letters intercepted , which don iohn and his secretary escovedo writ in cyphers to the king and his ministers , which philip de mornix , seignieur de st. aldegonde decyphered : this made them resolve to oppose his pernicious designs by force of arms. don iohn , under a pretence that they had a design upon his person , retired from brussels , and having received the queen of navarre into namur , surprized the castle of namur , and then charlemont , and made preparations for war ; and recalled the spanish and german troops . he called that day he seized the gastle of namur , the first of his government , as henry the iii. afterwards called the day of the murther of the duke of guise , the first of his reign . the states took up arms on their side , demolished the castle of antwerp , and joined themselves to the prince of orange . but the states-general assembled at brussels demanding the free exercise of the catholick religion in holland and zealand ; he made answer , that he could make no alterations in that affair without consulting the states of these two provinces , who had the sole and absolute power of doing it . this was a fundamental maxim of that state ; which was afterwards changed by the factions and force of arms under the government of prince maurice , his son , as i shall manifest in his life . prince william of orange being arrived at breda with his third wife charlotte de bourbon , he was invited by the states to come and encourage them by his presence : for this effect the burghers of antwerp went out to meet him , and conducted him into their city , where the states-general deputed to him the abbots of villiers and marotes , the barons de fresin , and capres , to beseech him to come in all haste to brussels . the prince went to brussels through the new-canal , attended by the burghers of antwerp who marched in good order on one side of the canal , and on the other side by the burghers of brussels , all in gilt armour , who came out of their city to meet him . he was receiv'd into brussels with great magnificence and triumph , with incredible acclamations of joy by all the world. immediately he was declared governour of brabant , and superintendant of the finances of the provinces . upon this we may observe that tho' the life of this prince has been cross'd by strange disappointments and misfortunes capable of sinking a man of less resolution than himself : yet these accidents were sweeted from time to time with those secret pleasures and delights which the most stoical and insensible men are overjoyed at , as the acclamations and applauses of the people , whose hearts and affections he entirely possess'd . other princes command only the bodies of their subjects , without having any empire over their minds , which ought to make up the noblest part of their dominions . but as envy is the inseparable companion of vertue ; and a great reputation is often more dangerous than a bad one ; this pompous reception of the prince of orange added to the authority his great birth , experience , and merit gained him in the states and in the hearts of the people , procured him the jealousy of many lords and gentlemen of quality ; the chief of whom were the duke arschot newly made governour of flanders , the marquess of havret his brother , the count de lalain and his brother , the siegneur de montigny , the viscount of ghent , count egmont , the sieurs de compigny , de rassinguem , and de sueveguem , and many others : this jealous party dispatched privately the sieur de malstede to offer the government of the low-countries to the archduke matthias brother to the emperor rodolphus . he made so much hast , and pressed the archduke so strongly to depart , that he was arrived at cologne from vienna before 't was known that they had sent for him . these gentlemen imagined that they should have all the management of the government under the archduke , who would consider them as the authors of his establishment ; and at the same time should ruine the authority of the prince of orange by giving him a superiour of that quality . but the prince of orange , who had the art of complying with all times , and turning poison into antidotes , made a modest complement to the states general for not acquainting him with so important a resolution as they had taken of sending for the archduke ; whereas nothing ought to be transacted without the common consent of all , especially matters of such consequence . but he made no opposition to the reception or establishment of the archduke . then having brought over to his party the count de lalain who had the chief command of the army , he managed matters so well by his address and submissions that he gained the archduke who was made governour of the netherlands upon certain conditions ; and he himself was declared lieutenant-general by majority of voices in the states ; and the archduke in consideration of his great abilities trusted him with the intire management of affairs . in this manner the prince of orange by his good conduct and prudence , turn'd that storm upon his enemies , which they raised with design to ruin him . for the duke of arschot , the head of the faction , had the mortification to be seized in the capital city of his government ( ghent ) by a creature of the prince of orange ( rehove ) who bore the greatest sway in that large city : and to make his grief the more sensible , his best friends , the bishops of bruges and ypres , and the sieurs de ressinguem and de sueveguein , and many others of his dependants , were seiz'd on at the same time . don iohn of austria , having been declar'd enemy of the low-countries by the states-general the th of september , . recall'd all the spanish and italian troops who had retired out of the netherlands , in pursuance to the perpetual edict . with a great body of germans under the command of alexander farneze duke of parma , son to margaret of austria , formerly governess of the netherlands . with this reinforcement the last day of ianuary , an. dom. . he defeated the army of the states , at gemblours , commanded by the sieur de goiguin in the absence of the count de lalain and the principal officers who were at a wedding in brussels ; for which they were extreamly censured . all the cannon was taken , with colours and cornets . but the reduction of the famous city of amsterdam , which surrender'd to the states , and was united to the body of holland , the th of february following , eight days after the defeat , made sufficient amends for this loss . don iohn , encouraged by this great success , and hoping that this victory would be the instrument of another , advanced with great forces to attack the army of the states at rimenant near malines commanded by the count de bossut . but the count had intrenched himself so strongly , that don iohn was obliged to retire in great confusion , and considerable loss : and 't was agreed on by all hands , that if the count de bossut had marched out of his camp he would have intirely defeated don iohn , who had a crucifix in his colours with this motto ; with this sign i have beaten the turks , and with this i will beat the hereticks . in iuly the states-general consented to a toleration of both religions in the provinces , which was called the peace of religion , which all men were not satisfied with ; by this means a third party sprung up , called the malecontents ; the principal of which were emanuel de lalain , baron de montigny , the viscount of ghent , governour of artois , valentine de pardieu , sieur de la motte governour of gavelines , the baron de capres , and others . thus the provinces of artois and hainault returned to the obedience of the king , notwithstanding all the remonstrances which the states made to them by letters and deputies . about this time the states coined money with the bodies of count horn and count egmont , and their heads upon stakes on one side , and on the reverse two horsemen and two footmen fighting , with this inscription , praestat pugnare pro patriâ quam simulatâ pace decipi ; it is better to fight for our country , than be deceived by a feigned peace . the malecontents , to secure themselves against the states , desired that the foreign troops might be recalled into the netherlands , contrary to the pacification of ghent , and the perpetual edict . on the other side the states , in order to their defence , treated with the duke of alencon , whom they call'd the defender of the belgick liberty , upon condition that he should supply them with foot , and horse , paid at his own charge . this treaty was concluded by the means of the queen of navarre his sister , who in her journey to the spaw-waters , had drawn over a great number of men to the party of her brother , whom she loved so tenderly ; among others the count de lalain , and the sieur d' enchy governour of cambray . a. d. . in september died don iohn of austria , in the camp at namur , of grief for being suspected in spain , where his secretary had been assassinated , or of poyson as many are of opinion . immediately after died the count de bossut general of the states ; who after his death , desired mr. de la nove bras de fer , in consideration of his reputation , valour , conduct and experience in war , to take upon him the charge of mareschal de camp of their army . alexander farneze prince of parma , succeeded don iohn in the government of the low countries , and by his civility , and obliging carriage to all men , added to the great promises he made , strengthened the party of the male-contents , and weakened the power of the states . about this time , the d . of ianuary , a. d. . the prince of orange laid the first foundation of the commonwealth of the united provinces , by the strict union which he made at utrecht , between the provinces of gueldres , zutphen , holland , zealand , friezland , and the ommelands , consisting of twenty six articles , the chief of which were these , the provinces made an alliance against the common enemy , and promised mutually to assist each other , and never to treat of peace , or war but by common consent . and all this without prejudice to the statutes , privileges , and customs of every particular province : which article was broken under the government of prince maurice , when the states general assumed a jurisdiction over all the subjects of the provinces , who till that time had no other lords than the particular states of the province . this treaty was called the union of utrecht , because 't was made in that city . it was r●…tified by all the governours of the provinces , and the states to show how necessary a perfect union was to their preservation , took those words of micipsa in salust for their device . concordiâ res parvae crescunt , little things become great by concord . that year maestricht was taken by storm by the duke of parma , after a siege of four months , and a treaty of peace was set afoot at cologne by the mediation of the emperor rodolphus , but the king of spain , refusing to grant a toleration of religion in the netherlands , though it had been allowed in france and germany , the design did not take effect . under the government of the duke of parma , many actions passed between the male-contents , and the troops of the states commanded by mr. de la nove , who surprized ninove in flanders and took in their beds count egmont , his wife , and mother with count charles his brother , and carried them prisoners to ghent , where the people , as they passed through the streets , threw dirt upon them , and treated them with a thousand indignities and abuses , upbraiding them with abandoning their country , to joyn with the executioners of their fathers . but monsieur de la nove after great success , was surprized himself with the few men he had with him , by the viscount of ghent and marquess of risbourg . the cause of this accident was the sieur marquette's not obeying monsieur nove's orders in breaking down the bridge which led to him . by order of the duke of parma he was carried prisoner to the castle of limburg , where he was barbarously treated by the spaniards , who offered to set him at liberty , provided they might put out his eyes . from whence 't is visible how apprehensive they were of this great captain . at last , after a long imprisonment , he was exchang'd upon count egmont's swearing never more to bear arms against spain , of which the duke of lorrain and many other lords and princes were guarrantees . besides his great skill in the art of war , which is celebrated by all historians , never was a man of so clear and dis-interested a vertue , which he gave continual proofs of during the whole course of his life ; but among the rest one very remarkable instance : monsieur de la nove bras de fer was a gentleman of bretaigne , and had a sister married to monsieur de vezins , a man of quality and fortune in anjou , who had by her a son and two daughters ; this sister had crowns for her fortune ; but dying young , monsieur de vezins married a woman who was one of her attendants , by whom he had several children : this megere , after the death of her husband , desiring to secure to her children the great estate of the house of vezins , could think of no more effectual way than by delivering the children of the first wife , her mistress , to an english merchant for a sum of money , upon condition that she should never see them more . the merchant carried them immediately to iersey and guernsey . no one knew what became of the daughters ; but the foreign merchant , having more good nature than the mother in law , took pity of the boy , and brought him with him to london , where he bred him up , and taught him the trade of a shoomaker . this boy , when he was grown up , travelling up and down the country , happened to be in flanders at the time that monsieur de la nove commanded the army of the states , and bringing him some shooes , monsieur de la hove , having narrowly view'd him , told those that were about him , that this young lad had much of the air , stature and mien of his brother in law de vezins . though he was exposed at the age of or years , he still retained some memory of his name , his country , and what he was ; and told him that his name was vezins , and that he was a french man by birth . but the great business of monsieur de la nove hinder'd him from making further enquiry into the matter at that time . some years after , being released from his imprisonment at limburg , and retiring to geneva , this same young man who travelled over the world , as apprentices do , once more meeting him when he had no affairs , after having very well examined him , and , besides the general resemblance , discovered some particular marks which those of the family de vezins bore , he resolved to make him be acknowledged heir of that house ; and in order to it , contrary to his own interest , made all the necessary proceedings in anjou , at the council and parliament for the recovery of the estate ; but being kill'd at lambette in bretaigne with a musquet ball , before the affair was compleated , his son odel de la nove , ( whom i have seen in my youth ) embassador extraordinary into holland , a man that pursued the generous example of his father , put an end to the process ; and by a famous decree made him be declared heir of the house of vezins , which the children of his cruel mother in law had so long usurped . these heroick actions of the father and son can never be sufficiently praised , which the curious reader will be glad to learn ; and the example of so rare a vertue may sp●…r on a generous mind to an emulation of such noble performances . in this time the prince of orange who had been made governour of flanders , was at ghent , where he altered the magistrates of the city ; erected contrary to their privileges by the violence of iohn imbese a turbulent daring fellow , who had at that time the chief authority of the city . imbese retired into germany to prince casimir palatine , who had formerly brought such a great body of horse to the assistance of the states , that they had much more been harass'd and inconvenienc'd by them than relieved or defended . but he returned again to ghent and domineered there for some time with a guard of halberdiers who still accompanied him ; but in the end a contrary faction setting up against him , as nothing is more changeable than the affections of the people , he was arrested , tryed and beheaded . an. dom. . the prince of orange represented to the states-general , that considering the desertion of some provinces , and the falling off of a great many men who quitted their party to reconcile themselves to spain , by the means of the duke of parma ; they could no longer defend themselves against so powerful an enemy ; and that they were obliged either to make an accommodation with spain , which he would never advise them to do , when they could have no security for their lives or religion ; or else to chuse some neighbouring prince for their lord , and that he could think of none more proper than the duke of anjou and alencon only brother to henry the iii. king of france . which resolution the states approving of they sent deputies into france ; the most considerable of whom was philip de mornix , seigneur de s. aldegonde , who made a treaty with him in september an. dom. . at the castle of plessis les tours . the heads of which were , that the states of holland , brabant , flanders , zealand , utrecht and friezland , would acknowledge him for their sovereign prince , and his posterity after him , upon condition that he should leave matters of religion in the same posture they were in at that time ; and preserve the privileges of the provinces that he should hold an assembly of the states-general every year , who nevertheless should have power to meet when they pleased . that he should put no man into any employment , place , or government of the provinces without their consent . and that if he invaded their privileges and broke the treaty , he should forfeit his right , and that they should be absolved from their oath of fidelity , and have power to elect a new prince . the archduke seeing that there was no further occasion for his presence in the netherlands , and that they were looking out for a more powerful protection , withdrew , after having received thanks and many presents , according to their abilities and the times , leaving behind him the reputation of a good and moderate prince : but his enemies in the end made him suspected of holding intelligence with the spaniards . the prince of orange with all his power sollicited the coming of the duke of alencon , to support himself and his country with so considerable a prince ; but more particularly because in iune . the king had published a terrible proscription against him , in which he upbraids him with the favours he had received from the emperor ; among others , for having secured to him the succession of renè de nassaw and de chalon prince of orange : that he had made him governour of holland , zealand , utrecht , and burgundy , knight of the golden-fleece , and councellor of state : that though he was a stranger , he had loaded him with honours and riches , for which he made him very ungrateful returns . that by his instigation the nobility had presented the address against the inquisition : that he had introduced the new religion into the low-countries , and disturb'd the catholick religion , by the breaking of images , and demolishing altars : that he had made war upon his lord : that he had opposed all the pacifications , even that of ghent , and broken the perpetual edict ; that , in short , he declared him an ungrateful man , a rebel , a disturber of the publick peace , a heretick , a hypocrite , a cain , a iudas , one that had a hardned conscience , a profane wretch , who had taken a nun out of the cloister to marry her , and had children by her , a wicked and perjur'd man , the head of the troubles of the netherlands , the plague of christendom , the common enemy of mankind : that he out-law'd him , and gave his life , his body and estate to him that could seize on it ; and to free the world from his tyranny , he promis'd , upon the word of a king , and as a servant of god almighty , to give crowns to any man that should bring him alive or dead to him , and besides a free pardon and indemnity of all his crimes ; and to make him a gentleman , in case he was not so before . he declared all his adherents to have forfeited their nobility , estate and honour , if within a month after the publication of this out-law'ry they did not leave him and return to their duty . in december following the prince of orange published his apology , which is a very long , eloquent and handsome piece , and read it publickly in the assembly of the states-general . the prince made a discovery of a great many secrets which 't was the king's interest never to have had known . kings have not so much advantage in defending themselves against their subjects with their pens as their swords , and for that reason the king made no answer to it ; but because this apology is very considerable , 't is proper to put down the substance of it . after having submitted his life and conduct to the consideration of the states , he says , he was forc'd , contrary to his nature and custom , to discover some indecencies which he would very willingly have concealed ; and , if they had not loaded him with injuries and abuses , he would have only answered the proscription , which he would have made appear unjust and without any foundation . that his enemy who made it , and the duke of parma who published it , not being able to kill him by poison or sword , endeavour to blot his reputation by the venom of their tongues . as for the obligations they reproach'd him with , he owns to have received a great deal of honour from the emperor , charles the v. who bred him up years in his chamber ; and that his memory ( these are his own words ) will be for ever honoured by him ; but at the same time he is obliged to justifie his own innocence , to declare that he never received any advantages from the emperor , but , on the contrary , suffered great losses in his service . that he could not deprive him of the succession to renè de nassaw and de chalons prince of orange his cousin-german , whose sole heir he was without a manifest injury , unless they reckon the not seizing upon another man 's right to be a liberality . that he was so far from having received any advantages from him , that on the contrary , the emperor , for the good of his own affairs , being pressed on one hand by the protestant princes , and on the other by the king of france , had by the treaty of nassaw disposed at his expence of the county of catzenellebogen in favour of the landgrave of hesse , though it had been adjudged to him by the imperial chamber at spires , with above two millions of arrears , and the emperor had taken no care to restore prince renè of nassaw , his cousin-german , to the possession of the third part of the dutchy of iuliers which belong'd to him by their grandmother margaret countess de la mark , though he had gained the victory by the valour of that prince . that the king had deprived him of the possession of the seigniory de chartel velin , ( for which there was due to him above livres ) by bringing the cause to be tryed in his council , when it was to be judged by the parliament at molines ; and it has ever since continued undecided . which he mentions to show the world who ought to be taxed with ingratitude , he or the king. that h●… had spent above crowns in the embassy he made , against his will , to the emperor ferdinand ; and when he was hostage in france for the peace of cambray ; and that year when he commanded the imperial army , and built charlemont and philipville in sight of the french generals ; in all which time he only received florins a month , which would not pay for the pitching his tents . that , quite contrary , those of his family had spent great estates , and exposed their lives freely in the service of the princes of the house of austria ; that engilbert the second count of nassaw , his great grandfather , being governour of the netherlands for the emperor maximilian the i. had secured him these provinces by the gaining of a victory . that count henry of nassaw , his paternal uncle , prevail'd upon the electors to preferr charles of austria , grandson of maximilian , to francis the i. king of france , and put the imperial crown upon his head. that philibert de chalon prince of orange , had conquered lombardy , and the kingdom of naples , for the emperor ; and that by the taking of rome and clement the vii . his enemy , he had gained him vast honour and renown . that the nephew of this philibert , renè de nassaw and de chalon , his cousin-german , was killed at the emperor's feet before st. dizier after having repaired the loss of a battel and conquered the dutchy of gueldres . that if the house of nassaw had had nobeing in the world , and had not done such great exploits before the king was born , he could never have been able to put so many titles , countries and seigneuries , in the front of that infamous proscription , which declares him a traitor and a villain , crimes which none of his family had ever been guilty of . that for so many expences , and signal services of his family , they could not shew the least mark of acknowledgment from the house of austria . that the kings of hungary had given to his predecessor as a perpetual proof of their valour in defending them from the invasion of the infidels , several pieces of artillery , which were carried away by force , out of his castle of breda when the duke of alva tyranniz'd in the low countries . when the king reproaches him with having made him governour of holland , zealand , utrecht and burgundy , knight of his order , and councellor of state , he answers , that if he ought to thank any one for that , 't is the emperor charles v. who at his departure for spain , had so appointed it in consideration of his great services . that the king himself had forfeited his pretensions to that order , by breaking the statutes ( which expressly enjoyn , that no knight can be tryed but by his peers ) in condemning the counts egmont , horn , de bergues , and montigny , by rascals , and men of no birth or merit . that the government of burgundy belonged to him hereditarily , the house of chalon having all along enjoyed it without contradiction . and as for the employment of a councellor of state , he obtained that by the policy of cardinal granville who screen'd himself from the people by the authority of the prince , in whom they reposed an intire credit and confidence . when the king , to render him odious , charges him with marrying a nun , he answers , that slanderers ought to be free from all blame , and that 't is an unaccountable impudence in the king to reproach him with a lawful marriage , and agreeable to the word of god ; whereas the king is all covered over with crimes . he maintains that he was actually married to donna isabella osorio , and had three children by her , when he married the infanta of portugal , mother to don carlos . that he murthered his own son for speakiing in favour of the low-countries ; and poisoned his third wife isabella of france , daughter to henry the ii. king of france , in whose life-time he publickly kept donna eufratia , whom he forced the prince of ascoti to marry when she was big with child by him , that his bastard might inherit the great estate of this prince , who died of grief , if not ( says the prince ) of a morsel more easy to swallow than digest . that afterwards he was not ashamed to commit publick incest in marrying his own niece , daughter to maximilian the emperor and his sister . but , says the king , i had a dispensation . ay , says the prince , only from the god on earth ; for the god of heaven would never have granted it : these are the very words of the prince . that it was as strange as insupportable , that a man blacken'd with adultery , poisoning , incest , and parricide , should make a crime of a marriage approved of by monsieur de montpensier his father-in-law , a more zealous catholick than the spaniards are with all their grimaces and preterisions . that if his wife had made vows in her tender age , which is contrary to the canons and decrees , according to the opinion of the ablest men ; and though she had never made any protestations against it , he was not so little vers'd in the holy scriptures , but he knew that all bonds and engagements entred into meerly upon the score of interest , had no force before god. to that article , where the king calls him a stranger , he answers , that his ancestors had possessed for many ages counties and baronies in luxemburg , brabant , holland and flanders ; and that those who have estates in the provinces have still been reckoned natives . that the king is a stranger as well as himself , being born in spain , a country which bears a natural aversion to the low-countries ; and he in germany , a neighbouring country and friend of the provinces . but ( says the prince ) they 'll say he is king ; to which he answers , then let him be king in castile , arragon , naples , the indies , and ierusalem , and in africk and asia , if he please ; that for his part he will acknowledge but a duke and a count , whose power is limited by the privileges of the provinces , which the king has sworn to ob serve . that he must let the spaniards know , if they are not acquainted with it already , that the barons of brabant , when their princes go beyond bounds , have often shown them what their power was . he ended this discourse by saying , that 't was strange that they had the impudence to charge him with being a stranger , in regard his predecessors were dukes of gueldres , and owners of great possessions in the provinces , when the king's ancestors were only counts of hapsburg , living in switzerland , and their family was not known in the world. the prince maintains that the design of the spaniards was always to enslave the netherlands and erect a tyrannical government , as they have done in the indies , naples , sicily and milan . that the emperor charles the v. being acquainted with it , represented to king philip , in his presence , and the old count of bossut and many others ; that if he did not curb the pride of the spaniards he would be the ruin of the netherlands . but that neither the paternal authority , nor the interest of his affairs , nor justice , nor his oath , which is sacred among the barbarians , could bridle his unbounded passion of tyrannizing . that the country granted a considerable supply of money , with which and the courage of the nobility of these provinces , having won two famous battles , and taken a great number of prisoners of the highest quality in france , he concluded a peace at cambray , as profitable to himself as disadvantageous to his enemies . that if the king had any gratitude remaining he could not deny but that he was one of the principal instruments in bringing it about ; having managed it in particular , with the constable de montmorency , and the mareschal de st. andre , by the king's orders , who assured him that he could not do a more grateful piece of service to him , than by effecting a peace , at a time when he was resolved to go into spain upon any terms . but these supplies of money , and this great success obtained by the blood of their nobility , were reckoned crimes of high-treason , because nothing would be granted , but on condition the states-general should meet , and the promis'd subsidies pass through the hands of commissaries of the provinces , to clip the wings of these harpies , barlaymont and others like him . and these as he assures , are the two great crimes , which created that implacable hatred in the king and council to the low-countries . the first of these crimes was the demand of an assembly of the states-general ; who are as much hated by bad princes for bridling their tyranny , as they are loved and reverenced by good kings the true fathers of their country , who consider them as the most sure foundation of a state , and the true support of soveraigns . the second is the demand they made of having commissioners of the provinces for managing the subsidies ; the prince affirming that these devourers of the people reckon their robberies and cheatings a better revenue than that of their lands . that seeing themselves out of condition any longer to enrich themselves at the expence of the publick with indempnity ; they look out for all pretences , by flattering their princes , to incense them and set them at odds with their subjects . he concluded this article by assuring the states-general to whom he addresses himself all along ) that he has seen their actions , heard their discourses , and been witness of those counsels , whereby they designed to make a general massacre of them , as they had practised in the indies , where they had destroyed thirty times more people than are in the low-countries to that part of the charge where the king accuses him of gaining the hearts of all those who desired innovation , particularly those who were suspected of the reformed religion , by his private intrigues ; and of being the author of the request against the inquisition . he owns that he was always of the reformed religion in his heart , which had been established by his father william count of nassaw in his dominions . that he heard the king of france , henry the ii. say , when he was hostage in france , that the duke of alva was then treating with him to root out all the protestants of france , the low-countries , and all christendom besides . that they had resolved to establish the merciless inquisition ; the severity of which was such , that the looking a squint upon an image was crime enough to deserve burning . that he could not suffer that so many good men and lords of his acquaintance should be design'd for the slaughter ; which made him firmly resolve utterly to extirpate this cursed race of men , and that if he had been well seconded in so just and generous a design there would have been nothing left to preserve the memory of the spaniards but their bones and their graves . as for the address which they make a crime of , he thinks it as advantageous to his own credit and honour , as to the king's service , and the interest of the provinces , to have advised the presenting it , as a certain method to divert the deluge of these infinite disorders which afterwards happened . and as for the protestant sermons , he advised madam de parma to permit them , things being in such a posture that they could not be hindered without a manifest danger of the entire subversion of the government . when the king says that the care and providence of madam de parma was so great , that he was obliged to quit the netherlands ; he owns that the charge would be true , if his treachery and disloyalty had been the cause of it ; but that , a year before , he would willingly have retired and surrendred all his employments . when he saw that monsieur de bergues and montigny had lost their lives in spain , and gibbets were erected , and fires kindled all over the country , he thought it high time to put himself in a place of security , without trusting to the king's lerters , full of fair promises and offers , the better to deceive him . that they had fallen upon his person and estate . that neither the consideration of the privileges of the university of louvain , nor the province of brabant , could hinder them from carrying his son prisoner into spain : and that by so rigorous and unjust a treatment he was absolved from all his oaths , and had good ground to make war upon his enemy ; which was objected to him as a crime . that the king laid nothing to his charge , but what his predecessor henry of castile had been guilty of : who tho' a bastard rebell'd against his lawful prince don pedro king of castile and leon , and kill'd him with his ownhand . if the king answers , that don pedro was a tyrant , and that he possessed castile only by that title ; wherefore , says the prince , should not the king of spain be used in the same manner ; for there never was a tyrant who subverted the laws and constitutions of the country with more arrogance , or broke his oath with more impudence than king philip. and that at least don pedro was neither guilty of incest , nor a parricide , nor a murtherer of his wife : and though he was born the king's subject , and should take up arms against him , 't was no more than albert the first duke of austria , formerly count of hapsburg , his predecessor , had done against the emperor adolphus of nassaw , his lord , one of the prince's ancestors . the prince affirms , that there is an origiginal , mutual contract between the dukes of brabant and their vassals ; that they owe obedience to their prince , who , on his side , is bound to preserve their privileges ; the chief of which are , that the dukes cannot change the constitution of the province by any decree ; that they are to be satisfied with their ordinary revenue ; that they can lay no new impositions , nor bring any troops into the province without the consent of the states ; nor alter the price of money ; nor imprison any man without the information of the magistrate of the place , nor send him out of the country . the lords of the provinces are obliged by their oath to maintain and assert these privileges ; because by their prerogative they have the charge of the militia , and the arms of the province ; and not doing it they are to be accounted perjur'd , and enemies of their country . that the king has not violated only one of these privileges , but all , and many times over . he has seiz'd upon his estates , his dignities , and his son , contrary to his immunities . that for this reason he was absolved from his oath of allegiance , and by consequence had a right to defend himself by force of arms ; and above all , because the king would never redress and make amends for his faults , having rejected the intercessions of the emperor maximilian , and the petitions of his subjects who deputed to him the principal lords of the netherlands , which he put to death by the hands of the hangman against the law of nations , as he had served all others whom he could seize on by his artifices , and who were too credulous , in believing his false promises . this abundantly justifies the prince for taking up arms for his own and his country's preservation ; and if he could not take footing in the netherlands at his first entry , as the king reproaches to him , 't was no more than what had happened to the greatest generals , and to the king himself , who has often invaded holland and zealand , and been driven shamefully out without being able to make himself master of one inch of ground . and in regard , by his oath , he dispenses with his subjects from obeying him if he acts contrary to the laws , why is he so impudent to say that the prince has taken up arms against him unjustly . to that article in which the king says he returned into holland and zealand by bribery and corrupting the inhabitants ; he makes answer , that he went there at the instance and sollicitation of the principal men of the province , which he is able to make appear by their letters . when the king accuses him of having persecuted the church-men , driven out the catholicks , and banished that religion ; he replies , that all this had been done by a common consent , to preserve their lives and privileges against men who had taken an oath to the pope , and were setting all engines a work to subvert their liberties , and the newly established religion : which was represented at the treaty of peace at breda , where this article of religion was confirmed by the decree and seal of all the cities , and that 't was not fair to impute that to him , which was done by an unanimous consent of the whole country . when he reproaches him for granting liberty of conscience ; he answers , that he had always been as averse to the burning so many men as the duke had taken pleasure in it ; and that he was of opinion to put a stop to all persecutions . he ingenuously owns , that the king before the holding of the states at ghent , and his departure into spain , had commanded him to put to death many good men suspected to favour the new religion ; but he never put these cruel orders in execution , but gave them notice of it , not being able to do it with a safe conscience , and chusing rather to obey god than man. he says that they do him wrong in laying the murther of some ecclesiasticks to his charge ; for he punished the criminals with death ; and those who were of an illustrious family , as the count de la mark , convicted of those outrages , were condemned only to imprisonment and loss of their employments , in consideration of their great alliances . to that head wherein the king declares that he did not command the duke of alva to establish the imposition of the th and th penny ; he answers , that his not being punished for it , is sufficient proof that he had orders to do it . and that he cannot escape the imputation of a tyrant for imposing this tribute , or suffering so great a boldness committed against his will to go unpunished . he adds , that the duke of alva had too much sense to dare settle so severe an imposition without the express and reiterated orders of the king ; and that otherwise he would never have fined the burgo-master of amsterdam florins for opposing the raising of this new tax . that the king would have done much better to preserve the kingdom of tunis and guletta , which the emperor had conquered from the turks , and which he preferred to all his other victories , than to make an unjust war upon his own subjects . but that his passion and fury had transported him so far , that his eyes and understanding were blinded , and hindred him from seeing the ill measures he had taken : and that he chose rather to expose his weakness to his subjects than employ his forces against the common enemy of christendom . he adds , that as hannibal had sworn the ruin of the romans upon the altars of his gods , so the duke of alva had vowed the destruction of the netherlands ; which is visible from the cruelties he committed there . that if a master is known by his servant , they might easily guess at the good affection the king bare to the low-countries by the tyranny of this unrelenting minister . when the king says , that the pope dispenses with him from keeping his oath ; the prince answers , that he does not consider , that by breaking his oath , at the same time his subjects were absolved from their oath of fidelity . he adds , that the duke of alva was preparing to hang the principal men of brussels for refusing to submit to the raising of the tenth penny ; and that the hangman was ordered to get ready seventeen ropes ; that the dictum of the sentence was already writ , and the spanish soldiers going to their arms to guard the execution , when the happy news of the taking of the brille arrived , and saved them from the gallows . speaking of the perpetual edict , he says it was concluded by the artifice of the spaniards contrary to his advice , and that of the states of holland and zealand . that there was no other difference between the duke of alva and the commander de requesens and don iohn ; but that the last could not dissemble as well as they , nor conceal his venom so long . for 't is undisputable from the letters which were intercepted , that he had the same orders as the other governours had to oppress the low-countries . when they charge him with breaking the pacification of ghent and the perpetual edict ; he answers , that 't was the spaniards that broke it , by restoring no man to the possession of his estate , or charges , and by detaining the prisoners . that the king had given orders to don iohn not to observe the peace , as appears from the intercepted letters , and that when he swore to it , 't was on condition that he would keep it till he repented of it , as he explained himself to some deputies of the states . thus the peace of ghent and the perpetual edict being once violated , 't was in the power of the states to provide for their own defence , by explaining , enlarging and altering the treaty . that he is extreamly concerned at the insolencies which the soldiers committed in his governments , though they were not to be compared with the intolerable outrages of the spaniards . he complains of the treachery of many lords and gentlemen of the netherlands who preferred their own private interests , and the spanish tyranny , to the good of their country , which they have torn by their division , and might have rendred flourishing by their union inveighing against the infidelity of his false brothers called male-contents , he says , he cannot enough admire the inconstancy and the unsettledness of their resolutions . they serve the duke of alva , says he , and the commander requesens , like servants , and make a vigorous war upon me . immediately after , they treat with me , are reconciled , and declare themselves enemies to the spaniards ; don iohn arrives , they follow him and contrive my ruin ; when don iohn miscarries in his attempt upon antwerp , they quit him and recall me ; i am no sooner come , but , contrary to their oath , without acquainting me with it , they call in the archduke matthias : and him too they immediately forsake ; and without giving me notice , send for the duke of anjou , and promise him wonders , and then abandon him and join with the duke of parma ; upon which the prince cries out , are the waves of the sea or the euripus more inconstant than these men , who consented to this proscription , when 't was my courage and firmness that restored them to the enjoyment of their estates and places ! when they say that he got the government of brabant and flanders by intriguing and making parties ; he answers in a word , that these governments were conferred on him at the desire of the states , and by a general approbation . when they endeavour to make him odious , by saying that he loads the people with impositions ; he replies , that they are laid on by the consent of the people , and if the king raises such excessive taxes upon his subjects to oppress holland and zealand and the other united provinces , why should not they have the same liberty allowed them , in order to defend themselves from the spanish tyranny . when they blame him for turning out those officers in the cities who were well affected to the king ; he says , that they were enemies to the country , and he did well to drive them out . when the king taxes him with the credit and authority he had over the people , as a great crime ; he answers , that 't is a great honour to him that they have chosen him for their defender against so cruel a tyranny , which has kindled so just an hatred and aversion in all their hearts . when they reproach him with hating the nobility ; yes , says the prince , those who degenerating from their ancestors , and not treading in their generous steps , betray their country , and join with those who endeavour its ruin. when the king says that the peace treated at cologne by the mediation of the emperor rodolphus , was judged reasonable by all men of sence ; the prince says , that it follows thence necessarily , that all those who think it unreasonable and deceitful , have neither reason nor judgment . for what appearance is there , ( continues he , ) that a people harrassed and impoverished by so long a war , would refuse an equitable peace with their prince , unless it appeared to be a bait or a blind only to surprize them ? that this peace projected at cologne was worse than war , and that the honey of a treacherous tongue is more dangerous than the point of a sword. that if the emperor thought this a reasonable peace , he was perswaded so by the betrayers of their country . when they object to him the union of utrecht , which they reckon the worst and greatest of his crimes ; he answers , that the spaniards like nothing that contributes to the interests of the states ; and what is wholesome to the oppressed , is mortal to the favourers of tyranny . that their enemies had grounded all their hopes upon their division ; against which there is no such specifick as a good union , nor a more certain antidote against discord than concord , which has prevented and made useless all their intrigues and intelligences . he owns that he was the author of this union ; and speaks it so loud , that he wishes that not only spain , but all europe may hear him . upon which he exhorts the states to preserve it , and to practice the moral of the bundle of arrows tied together by one band , which they bear in their arms. instead of blushing at it , he glories in an action so conducive to the preservation of their liberties . when they upbraid him with driving out the church-men ; he denies that he ever did so , till george de lalain , count de renneberg governour of freizland , surprized groningen by treachery , and the massacre of the principal burghers , among others the burgo-master hillebrand , a man of the greatest authority in the city , having supped with him and caressed him , the better to over-reach him , the day before this infamous surprizal . and that they could not reproach him , that in all the troubles and confusions stirred up by the spaniards he ever stained his hands in the blood of the confederates , who relied on his faith. when he is accused of driving out some of the nobility ; he denies it , and declares that they retired voluntarily through the terrour of their consciences , having openly contriv'd the ruin of their country ; and , wou'd to god , added the prince , all they who are like them would follow them , to rid the country of all fear . he says 't is ridiculous to call him hypocrite , who never dissembled with the spaniards . when he was their friend he talked freely to them , and foretold them by word of mouth , and writing , that those rigorous persecutions would ruin them . that being forced to become their enemy , to support the liberty of his country , what hypocrisy can they charge him with , unless they call hypocrisy the making open war upon them , taking their cities , driving them out of the country and acting against them with all the vigour the right of a just war entitles him to . that if they will take the pains to read over his defence , which he published years since , to justify his taking up arms , they will see the letters of a king , who is a hypocrite and dissembler , who thought to surprize him with fair words , as now he thinks to daunt him with threats . when king philip calls the prince of orange desperate as cain and iudas ; he says 't is a quite different thing , to distrust the grace of god who cannot lye , and to suspect the words of a treacherous and deceitful man : witness the poor moors of granada ; count egmont , horn and many others . that the fall of cain and iudas was despair caused by the dreadful sins they had been guilty of ; to which state he was not yet reduced , his conscience upbraiding him with nothing . but the style of a man in despair is visible in this heathenish and turkish proscription . when he accuses him of distrust , and says it is an ordinary thing with wicked men , he makes an apostrophe to cardinal granville ( whom he believed the authour of this proscription ) in these terms : and thou cardinal , who hast lost so much time at the college , unless thou callest that learning , to be trained up in thy youth in the arts of lying and deceiving , what answer canst thou make to that sententious orator and lover of his country , when he says that distrust and jealousy is the strongest bulwark of liberty against tyranny ? which was said against another philip , a puny tyrant in comparison of this dom philip , who has out done the greatest , and whose tyranny the divine philippick it self is not able to express . consider of it ; and i for my part , says the prince , will speak , write and ingrave every where this fine and useful sentence . and would to god , i may be better believed by my people than demosthenes was by his , who suffering themselves to be imposed on by such villains and dissemblers as thou art , were in the end utterly ruined . when the king reproaches him with refusing very advantageous offers which were made him upon condition he would retire into germany , and abandon the states ; he says the spanish folly and impertinence cannot be sufficiently admired , who endeavouring to blacken and defame him , raise his reputation , by owning that he preferrs the safety of the states , and their liberty , to his own repose and native country . that he would willingly be freed from all his troubles and disappointments , and enjoy his estate and the presence of his son in peace . but since this could not be effected without perjuring himself , and betraying the states , violating his faith , and abandoning them to the cruelty of their mortal enemies : no consideration of his estate , his life , children or wife should prevail upon him to deliver them over a prey to the spaniards , to be worried and massacred by them . he concludes , 't was a very great crime which they reproach'd him with , to be a man of honour and of unshaken firmness and constancy , not to be wrought on by threatnings nor promises . and that on those false accusations the king and spaniards have grounded this barbarous proscription full of calumnies , abuses , and inconceivable imprecations , which he is no more frighted with than philibert of orange was with the bull which pope clement the vii . thundered out against him ; who for all that made him his prisoner . he declares to the states and all europe , that whatever spaniard , or whatever man in the spanish interests says or shall say , as this proscription does , that he is a wicked man and a traitor , lyes , speaks falsely and against the truth . that though the spaniards forbid him the use of fire and water , in spite of all their rage he will live by the assistance of his friends as long as it pleases god , who alone has the disposal of life and death , and who has numbered all the hairs of his head. as for his estates he hopes ( god willing ) that the purchase of them will cost the spaniards so dear that they will be obliged to seek out others elsewhere at an easier rate . as for those they wrongfully detain from him , he hopes to dispossess them , and that they never usurped the possessions of a poor prince who proved a greater burthen to them . when the king promises crowns to any man that shall bring him alive or dead , to make him a gentleman if not so before , with a full pardon of all his crimes how hainous soever ; he answers , that if a gentleman had been guilty of so villainous an action , no man of honour would eat or drink with the wretch or endure his presence . that if the spaniards reckon such men noble , and if this is the ready way to honour in castile , no wonder all the world believes that the most part of the spanish nobility are descended from the moors , and iews who sold our saviour's life for ready money ; and that they inherit the vertue of their ancestors . upon this subject , the prince writes that the just god has taken away the king's understanding , who by the ennobling of villains and pardoning of the greatest crimes , would destroy the defender of a people tyrannized over . that he has the impudence to mix the name of god with so many abominable promises , though he calls himself the minister of god , and assumes the power of not only permitting what god forbids , but of rewarding it with money , nobility , and indemnity of all their offences . the prince concludes by a persuasive of union to the states , and not to suffer themselves to be dazled with the false praises the king gives those who forsook them contrary to their oath , to scatter division among them . his enemy gives out that his quarrel is only to the prince of orange as author of all these troubles and the war , which will last eternally so long as he lives , imitating the wolves in the fable , who published that their design was only on the dogs , ( the keepers and guardians of the flock ) to devour afterwards the sheep at their leisure . but for a proof of the king 's dissembling and his cruelty , when he was absent in germany the country was as much persecuted as ever . as many were drown'd hang'd and burn'd as before ; and the liberty of the country was extreamly well maintained by their mild governour the duke of alva . that the king 's principal design was to root out the religion , the only bulwark of the state , without which it could not support it self three days : for they of the reformed religion could repose no confidence in spaniards or papists . he repeats once more , that union and religion may defend and protect them from all their enemies , and concludes in these words , that he would willingly purchase their ease and repose at the expence of his own banishment or death . that exile and death upon these conditions would be grateful and agreeable . but if they thought his life might contribute to the defence of their liberties , he offered them his assistance , industry , and blood it self , which he would spill to the last drop in their preservation . the prince of orange would willingly have had the states-general publish this apology in their name . but some provinces finding the reflections on the king to be too severe and bitter , and not being acquainted with the crimes he imputed to the king , thought it not proper . they contented themselves with declaring by a decree , that the prince of orange was wrongfully accused , that he had accepted the government at their earnest desires ; and offer'd to maintain a troop of horse for the greater security of his person : desiring him to continue to defend their liberties , and promising all obedience and deference to his commands and counsels , which they acknowledged to have no other aim but their safety . not long after , an. dom. . the city and castle of breda were surprized by claude de barlaymont count de hautepenne , by the means of the baron de fresin kept prisoner in the place by order of the states upon suspicion of holding intelligence with the spaniards , the truth of which he confirmed , as much a prisoner as he was , by causing the city to be surprized by the means of one soldier , whom he had gained over to his party . this was a great loss to the states and a sensible affliction to the prince , whose hereditary estate this city and its territories were . this is an instance that a prisoner ought never to be kept in a frontier-town , but in the heart of the country ; for as they think of nothing but setting themselves at liberty , and all their thoughts are bent that way , they are always contriving methods and inventing ways to bring it about ; 't is in effect nourishing a serpent in our bosom , and there needs nothing more to take an impregnable fortress than the corrupting of a centinel when the enemy is in the neighbourhood , who may come at the time appointed to petard or scale the place . we should have seen in our time a remarkable instance of a surprize of this nature , to the great advantage of the arms of france , if hatred and revenge had not born a greater influence over the great minister , than the glory of his master or the good of his kingdom : but this mystery has lain concealed hitherto , for fear of his resentment who governed all things with an absolute authority in the last years of the life of monsieur the cardinal de richelieu . the story is this ; after the defeat of honne court , in may . don francisque de mello governour of the low-countries , put several prisoners of quality , in the castle of ghent , to the number of seventy . the principal of whom were the count de rantzau , since mareschal of france , the marquess de roquelaure now duke and governour of guyenne , the marquess de st. maigrim kill'd at the battle of st. anthony , and the sieur de lalen captain in the regiment of piedmont , who died afterwards at cremona , commanding the french infantry of the army of italy . this monsieur de lalen was originally of lyons , of mean birth , but of extraordinary valor and fidelity , which might give him just grounds to hope for the highest employments of war. monsieur de rantzau , impatient in his prison , obtained leave of the spaniards to send monsieur de lalen into france to propose some exchange of prisoners . but during his stay at court , where the variety and multitude of business hinders their speedy dispatch , and where monsieur de noyers , who hated him , did not take much pains to get him his liberty . monsieur de rantzau , tired with the long stay of monsieur de lalen , and holding a secret correspondence with me by letters , who did him all the good offices at court of which i was capable , upon the account of the esteem and friendship i had for him ; he complained extreamly in all his letters of monsieur lalen's being detained so long , at a time when his presence was necessary for a great design , which he had projected . at length overcome by his impatience he writ me a long letter in cyphers , part french , part latin , by which he advised me that nothing was easier than to surprize the cittadel of ghent , by the means of the hollanders who were neighbours to it ; and the prince of orange might advance near with a body of foot , without giving the least jealousy ; and in short desired me to go to court and make this proposal . but , in order to make appear how easy this enterprise might have been put in execution , 't will be convenient to insert the proper terms of the letter which was writ in cyphers , a copy of which i transcribed before i presented an original to monsieur de noyers . sir , i am extreamly concerned that my endeavours have had no better success ; and that monsieur de lalen is detained for such slight reasons . if he had made a quick return , 't would not have been difficult to surprize this place . there are now but men in garrison , many of whom are old and can scarce go , and as many disabled and can make no defence ; besides the or portugese and catalonians , who have promised us their assistance , and above officers who are prisoners . philippine , where there is a garrison of dutch , is but four hours march from us . all the country between this place and that is under contribution . their parties come up to the very gates of the city , and many of them enter upon several pretences . for they carried off lately a horse from the middle of the market-place , by a cunning stratagem , in the presence of all the world. the covetousness of the governor , the count de salazar , gives all people a free entrance into the castle , that he may sell off his wine at the greater gain , which by a particular privilege pays no excise to the king. and a measure which costs fifteen pence in the city is worth but six pence in the castle . here are still five or six thousand burghers and strangers , men and women who drink without being search'd or examin'd . if you will consider all these circumstances , and reflect upon what happened at the surprize of amiens and breda , you will find a fairer occasion and a greater probability of effecting this . to hasten so important an affair i waited on monsieur de noyers , who was at that time at chaume en briè with the king to ta●…e care of the preservation of monsieur le cardinal de richelieu , who stayed behind at the bourbon waters , in great suspicion of his master and many of those who were about him . but this minister having assured me that he would give the necessary orders about this affair , and commanded me to speak to no man of it , i retired , easily perceiving by his looks and discourse , that he did not relish this proposal , however advantageous it was , when it came from a man to whom he had such an aversion . he never acquainted the king with it , for fear he should reward and consider monsieur de rantzau for so important a service . the campaigne being at an end , the spaniards , according to their usual custom , reinforced their garrisons , among others , that of the castle of ghent , with the troops of their army , which changed the face of affairs , and made the execution of this enterprize impossible . the same year that breda was surprised by the spaniards , the duke of anjou , pursuant to his engagement with the states of the provinces , came from chateau thierry with foot , and horse to the relief of cambray besieged by the duke of parma , who raised the siege . not long before the viscount de turenne , who was afterwards the famous duke de bouillon , henry de la tour , the counts of ventadour , and de la fenillade , and four other lords , having run the risque to pass through the army of the duke , and throw themselves into the place , were made prisoners , and forced to pay a great ransom . at that time the states-general , assembled at the hague , declared the king of spain to have forfeited the soveraignty of the netherlands , broke his seal and arms , and commanded all people to acknowledge him no longer for their prince , and take the oath of fidelity to them . the beginning of this decree runs thus , that a prince is appointed by god almighty , the head of his people , to defend them from oppression , as a shepherd to keep his flock ; and that when a prince oppresses them , they may choose another lord to govern them in iustice according to their privileges . the rest is nothing but a long narration of the cruelties and infractions of their privileges by the king and his ministers , which obliged them to have recourse to another prince . at the same time the duke of parma took tournay from the states notwithstanding the vigorous defence of mary de lalain princess d'epinoy , sister to emanuel de lalain seigneur de montigny , one of the chief malecontents . she gave great proofs of her courage in this siege , encouraging the soldiers and burghers to a gallant resistance , and exposing herself so much in the most dangerous places , that she received a harquebuss shot in her arm. this lady , who deserves a place among the heroines , died the year after at antwerp extreamly regretted by the states-general , for her courage and firmness to maintain their party . immediately after , the duke of anjou passed into england , to have the advice of queen elizabeth , and to endeavour to accomplish his marriage with that princess , a contract being made , and rings having been presented on both sides . but the queen having found out some excuses to hinder it contented her self with supplying him with money for his voyage into the netherlands , and sending with him my lord leicester , admiral howard , both knights of the garter , and other lords and gentlemen of quality , who carried with them a train of men. an dom. . he repassed from england into zealand , aboard the ships of this princess , arrived at flushing , and because of the great cold went a foot to middlebourg the capital of zealand , which is a league from thence , where he was received and treated very magnificently . the prince of orange and epinoy went to meet him , and going aboard the ships provided for them , arrived at antwerp , where this great city received him with surprizing pomp and splendour . all the keys were lined with the burghers in arms , most part very richly dress'd , and with gilt arms : triumphal arches were erected in all parts very richly adorned with fine inscriptions . this prince marched under a canopy of cloth of gold , from the port to the great piazza , where a theatre was built with a throne upon it . there the prince having cloathed him with the ducal cap and mantle of red crimson velvet lined with ermins , he sware publickly in the presence of the states and the officers of the city , and an infinite concourse of people from all parts to see so extraordinary a sight , that he would religiously observe the treaty concluded with them , and the privileges of the provinces , and govern , not by his will , but by iustice and equity . afterwards the states , and the magistrates of antwerp swore fidelity and obedience to him as their sovereign prince . but this publick rejoycing was interrupted by an attempt made on the prince of orange . one iauregny a spaniard of biscay , factor to a merchant called anastre , spurred on by the reward promised in the proscription , fir'd a pistol at him , loaded with one ball , which struck him under the right ear and went out through the left cheek , breaking several of his teeth . at first they believed the french to be the authors of this attempt , but the murtherer being killed by the halberdiers of the prince , and papers found in his pocket , which proved him to be a spamard , they were undeceived , and the people who had run to their arms to revenge his murther on the french at the cloister of s. michael , where the duke of anjou lodged , retired to their houses . the prince of orange , to appease the tumult , with much difficulty , writ a letter with his own hand to the magistrate , to assure him that the spaniards were the authors of this attempt . the grief and concern of this great city , for the wounding of the prince , cannot be expressed . immediately publick prayers were appointed , and as long as he continued in danger the people stayed in the churches praying to god for his recovery . when he was well , they kept a general fast , and the whole day was imployed in thanking god for restoring to them the father of their country . when he was in a condition to travel , the duke of anjou carried him to ghent and bruges , where another great conspiracy against those princes was discovered . the chief man concerned in it was nicholas salvedo a spaniard , who confessed that he had received crowns from the duke of parma , to make away the duke of anjou , and the prince of orange , by poyson or any other way ; and that he followed them in order to put his villainous design in execution ; francis baza an italian and native of bresse , one of his complices , was arrested likewise , and confessed the same thing , but before execution stabbed himself with his knife , to prevent the severity of the punishment which was preparing for them . salvedo was carried to paris , where by a decree of the parliament he was drawn in pieces by four horses in the greve . the wretched salvedo seeing himself a prisoner in the conciergerie , accused monsieur de villeroy , in hopes to save himself , by making so great a man a partner in his guilt , or at least suspend the punishment he deserved . but no credit was given to so hellish an accusation of a minister of the greatest abilities , and the most devoted to the good and interest of the state , of all those who ever had the administration of france . and it must be acknowledged , to his honor , that in all the fury of the league , he was the man that prevented its falling into the hands of foreigners , and after a ministry of fifty years , died poorer at the end than the beginning of his greatness . his father had been likewise secretary of state , and his grandfather , of the same name , de neville , was so under francis the first , and superintendant of the finances . the duke of anjou , imitating the conduct of rehoboam who ruined himself by following the counsel of the young men , by the advice of the sieurs de fervaques , s. agnan , de la rochepot , and other hot-headed young fellows that governed him , without acquainting the prince of orange , the duke of montpensier , count de lavall , nor any other lords who were capable of giving him good counsel ; resolved , contrary to his oath and against all justice , to seize , the same day , on all the most considerable cities of the netherlands , as dunkirk , dendermonde , bruges , and antwerp it self , not being able to bear any longer the great authority of the prince of orange , and so limited a power , complaining to be only a sovereign in name . and for a proof of his just resentment , and in his own justification , he alledged that the people of antwerp had taken up arms to destroy him in his lodgings , and having rebelled against him by so rash an act , he was consequently absolved from his oath . thus he surprized dunkirk , dendermonde , and some other places , but missed of bruges and antwerp , when he thought himself master of it ; for though he had poured into the city companies of foot supported by all his army , which he had advanced near the walls , under pretence of making a review of it ; nevertheless , the burghers ran in all hast to their arms , and made so brave a resistance , that the french were obliged to retire in disorder to the gate by which they entred , where there was made such a terrible slaughter of them , that 't was impossible for those without to succour their friends within ; for there were mountains of dead bodies pil'd in heaps one upon the other , which block'd up the entry and cut off the retreat of the french , of whom there were more stifled than kill'd . in this bloody dispute , called the enterprize upon antwerp , there were killed only burghers , and french , among whom were gentlemen , who were all buried without distinction in a great ditch . and as the people of these counties who are much of the same humour with the germans , in all extraordinary events make computations upon the numbers , they observed that this deliverance fell out in the year , which number made up that of the burghers and french who were killed that day . the duke of anjou , having miscarried in his attempt , surrendred by a treaty made with the states all the places he had possessed himself of , and returning into france , died of grief in his appenage of chateau-thierry , in the beginning of the next year , with the reputation of a violent and unsettled temper . the flemmings believed that the prince of orange was concerned in the attempt the french made to surprize antwerp , and his enemies and enviers ( which great men never fail to have ) made use of this false pretence , to lessen his great credit , and of his fourth marriage with louise de coligny , daughter to the admiral de chastillon , whom he married after he had lost his third wise charlotte de bourbon , who died at antwerp not long after he was cured of his wound , which was a visible proof , as they said , of his inclination to the french , who at that time were had in execration by all the netherlands . seeing himself thus suspected , and that the party of the states declined in the walloon provinces , he retired into holland , where he thought his life in greater security and less exposed to those attempts which superstition on one side , and the reward promised in the proscription on the other , made every one ready to undertake against his person . he chose the city of delft for his ordinary residence , where at the beginning of the year . he had a son born called henry frederick , grandfather to the present prince of orange , who did not degenerate from the vertue of his ancestors . prince william employed philip de mornix , seigneur de s. aldegonde , in the management of his greatest affairs , and made him burgomaster of antwerp when he left it . he was a man of quality , integrity and learning . about the end of his life he made use of iohn barneveld , whom he valued very much upon the account of his honesty and great capacity . having been almost overset with the tempests which had been raised up against him and having a heart above the storms , he took for his devise , a sea-gull or didapper , in latin mergus , with this motto , saevis tranquillus in undis , undisturb'd in the midst of the stormy waves . he behaved himself with so much sweetness and civility to the common people , that he never wore his hat as he walked through the streets , where people of all ages and sexes crowded to see him . his most intimate friends assured my father , that in his passage through the streets , if he heard a noise in any house , and saw a husband and wife quarrelling , he entred , heard the difference patiently , perswaded them to a reconciliation with incredible sweetness . the breach made up , the master of the house asked him if he would not taste his beer ; the prince said yes ; the beer brought , the burgher , according to the fashion of the country , begins the prince's health , in a gup which they call a cann , and which is usually of blew earth , then wiping off the froth with the palm of his hand , presented the can to the prince who pledged him . and when his confidents told him , that he condescended too much to men of such mean quality , and treated them with too much civility , the prince used to answer , that what was gained by pulling off a hat or a little complaisance , was bought at a very easy rate . no wonder , after this , that he was so universally lamented by the people when he was unhappily assassinated in the st . year of his age. 't was done by one baltazar de guerard a gentleman of the franche comtè and native of villefons in the county of burgundy , who in hopes of a reward , or pretending to merit heaven , by taking out of the world an enemy to the king and the catholick religion , killed him at delft , as he rose from table , with a pistol shot loaded with three bullets , of which he died without saying any thing more than lord have mercy on my soul , and this poor people ! this dismal accident happened in the presence of louise de coligny his fourth wife , and the countess of schouarzebourg his sister , whom he loved very tenderly , and who never forsook him and was present at antwerp when iouregny wounded him . this villain had insinuated himself into the acquaintance of the prince , under the name of francis guyon son to peter guyon of besancon , who suffered for religion . he had always the huguenot psalms in his hands , and was a constant frequenter of sermons , the better to conceal his design : insomuch as the prince trusted him , and sent him upon several dispatches , and at the very moment he assassinated him , he demanded of the prince a pass-port to go somewhere where the prince was sending him . he was but years old , and made appear as much constancy and resolution in suffering the punishment of his crime , as boldness in undertaking it . he repeated a hundred times , that if he had not done it , he would do it again ; and when his flesh was plucked off his limbs with burning pincers he did not utter the least cry or groan , which made the hollanders believe he was possessed by the devil ; and the spaniards , that he was assisted by god almighty ; so different are the opinions and passions of mankind . the marks of the balls which entred into a stone of the gate , after they had gone through the body of the prince , are shown to strangers at this day in delft in holland , and i my self saw them when i was young . thus died william of nassaw prince of orange , and these are his principal actions , which are like so many solid pillars upon which he has erected the great fabrick of the commonwealth of the united provinces . there was need of as vast a genius and capacity as his was to undertake so great and difficult a work , an unparallelled courage to carry it on to the end , and an unheard of constancy in arriving to it , in spite of the formidable power of spain , and the domestick treasons , which crossed his generous designs . after this i believe no man will accuse me of an hyperbole for ranking this great man among the heroes of antiquity ; and asserting that the life and vertue of the admiral de coligny bore a great resemblance with that of the prince of orange . they had both a very great share of conduct , wisdom and moderation . they both had the address to clear up and unravel the most perplexed and embroiled affairs . both heard more than they talk'd . they had both the art of persuading , and were full of good counsels . both possessed the hearts , the esteem and the veneration of all those of their party . their courage was above their misfortunes , and their constancy in supporting them was admirable . both were often routed , and still found some glorious resources in all their adversities . both had to do with the most powerful kings of christendom . both made use of the assistance of england and germany to maintain themselves . both lived in the same time , and out-lived years . both supported the same religion , and established it one in france , the other in the low-countries . both were proscribed , and prices set on their heads . the prince was seconded in his wars , by the courage of count lodowick , adolphus , and henry of nassaw , his brothers . and the admiral was supported in his , by the counsels of odel de coligny , cardinal de chatillon , and by the valour of francis de coligny , seigneur d' andelot colonel-general of the french infantry , his two brothers . in fine , both died a violent death and by treason , and both equally dreaded . the powerful princes whom they had attacked not thinking themselves secure till they had cut off these two great men ; and not being able to compass it by open force and war , made use of treachery and fraud to bring it about . the prince would never have perished as the admiral did ; for he would never have committed himself to the power of his enemies being of the same opinion with the man who said , that when a subject draws his sword against his king , he ought to throw away the scabbard . the prince died by giving all sorts of persons too free access to his person , at a time when superstition was the motive to such horrible attempts , and perhaps by being of caesar's opinion , who told his friends when they advised him to guard himself , and make himself fear'd , that 't was better to die once , than live in continual apprehensions of death . as soon as the news of his murder was spread about , nothing was to be seen over all parts in the cities but tears , nothing to be heard over all the villages of the country but lamentations , as if all had lost what was most dear to them . the people of the united provinces , in the celebration of his funeral , shewed the greatest mourning which was ever heard of , and their affliction went even to despair . the funeral pomp was very magnificent ; all the nobility assisted at it , and the chief men of the provinces , in deep mourning followed by an incredible number of people of all conditions . prince maurice his son followed the corps , having on his right hand gerard trucses archbishop and elector of cologne , and on his left count de hohenlo or helac . this was that elector , who falling desperately in love with agnes de mansfield a nun , chose rather to lose his soveraignty and electorate than his mistress . he was of the same opinion with that greek poet who writ , that a beloved nymph stood in instead of all things , and that we can want nothing with her ; but not enjoying her , we are poor amidst the plenty of all other goods . this archbishop delivered into the hands of the united provinces the city of reneberg in the diocess of cologne . it was so often taken by the spaniards and dutch , that the marquess spinola called it the whore of war , and it was seven years since in the hands of the states , the consideration of which made the present elector of cologne join with france , to recover again this place of his electorate , which this trucses had alienated , and this alliance gave us an opportunity of falling upon holland behind , which some years since was almost over-run . the gravers of holland have represented this magnificent funeral pomp of the prince of orange , upon several sheets of paper glu'd together , which take up the whole side of a great hall , in order to perpetuate the memory of so remarkable a mourning . count maurice his son built him a very stately monument of marble , where his images stands made to the life ; the basis of this fine monument is adorn'd with several statues representing all the vertues , and the upper part is surrounded with weeping loves . it stands in one of the principal churches of delft , and is not inferiour to the most sumptuous and stately tombs in italy . reflecting on this tragical death of the prince of orange , i have often wondred that so wife a man , and who had so powerful enemies , had not better guarded himself . for when he passed through the cities he was commonly attended by only three or four domesticks ; and i wondred at it the more because , not long before , iouregny had like to have killed him at antwerp , where he escaped miraculously . and there were many salcedes in the country who wanted only an opportunity to assassinate him . for after his death the spaniards gave out , that when he was murthered by this burgundian , there was the same time at delft , a lorrainer , an english man , and two more of different nations , who had the same design , and could not have failed to put it in execution . it seems to me that his own dangers ought to have made him provide better for his security ; but he feared only two nations , the italians and spaniards , imploying all others but these two ; and in the city of delft which he had made the seat of his residence there was neither spaniard nor italian . he observed that though a price had been set on admiral coligny's head , nevertheless no man durst run the hazard of assassinating him in hopes of a reward which could prove of no service to them when they had lost their lives ; for there was no appearance of making an escape after they had killed a prince in his own country and in the midst of his attendants . had he lived till the year . and seen a little monk , spurred on by a false zeal of religion , have the boldness to assassinate henry the iii. at st. cloud in the midst of his army , he would have taken more care of his safety . these dismal accidents , and the deplorable death of henry the iv. massacred in the middle of paris , were a warning to richelieu who had always in his mind , this proverb , that suspicion is the mother of security . for when he saw all europe had conspired his ruin , he stood upon his guard , and died peaceably in his bed , in spite of all the disgusts of his master , and the contrivances of his enemies . the superstitious catholicks and spaniards celebrate this belthazar de guerard , and have ranked him in the number of their martyrs . upon which subject i cannot but admire that famianus strada in his excellent history of the low countries has insinuated that iouregny who narrowly missed of killing the prince at antwerp , had a good design , because he had fortified and prepared himself before he executed it , with the sacraments of the communion and pennance , as if god almighty who has expressly forbid murther in the decalogue , and our lord iesus christ , who hath said and taught that he who should strike with the sword , should perish by the sword , would guide and strengthen a murtherer in his attempt . some examples of the old testament will not serve to justifie him , where god almighty for the preservation and establishment of the people of israel , and for other reasons best known to himself allowed of such actions , otherwise there could be no security for the life of any prince . the huguenots on the other side made a martyr of that execrable poltrot , who killed the great francis of lorrain duke of guise , who had given him a treat in his house and made him eat at his table , insomuch as adrianus turnebus one of the learnedst men of his age , made a latin poem in honour of this poltrot , who was called iohn de merè , where he says , conspicuus fulvo stabit mereus in auro . and toward the end , plurimus ut maneat mereus in ore nepotum . another learned heretick said this in his poem , praemia multa meret , alluding to his name de merè . another heretick goes so far as to say among other things in french verse , ce valeureux poltrot qui tant s'ever tua que le tyran , tueur de chretiens il tua . i knew in my youth the lady of the sieur alard a captain in the french troops in holland , so prepossessed with false zeal and bigotry for calvinism , that she shewed publickly to all the world the picture of poltrot , like iudith having killed holofernes , which she kept in the reuelle of her bed , as a great martyr , and whom she considered as the deliverer of the little flock . the doctors of the league honoured with many elogies iames clement a iacobin , the murtherer of henry the iii. comparing him to ebud who freed the people of israel from their servitude , by killing eglon prince of the moabites in his chamber . for men's passions are so violent , and their animosities prejudice them in such a manner , that they celebrate actions which deserve not only the blame of all good men , but an exemplary punishment . william prince of orange made more noise in europe than all the kings of his time put together , and has left behind him a renowned posterity , who pursuing his glorious example , have amazed all the christian world by actions which are immortalized in history . he may boast to have been the father of two very great captains , to have produced kings , electors , landtgraves , and sovereign princes in germany , to have peopled france with princes , princesses , dukes , cardinals , mareschals , and many great lords . but for a clearer understanding of the matter , we must first declare that he had four wives . his first wife was anne d' egmont daughter to maximilian d' egmont count of burem and leerdam , a great heiress , whom he married by the favour of charles v. and had by her a son and daughter . the son was philip william prince of orange , of whom more hereafter , and the daughter mary de nassaw who was married to philip count de hohenlo , commonly called de holac , a great general , who after the unexpected death of the prince of orange which put the united provinces into a strange consternation , generously resisted all the efforts of the spaniards , and taught the first rudiments of war to prince maurice his brother in law who was at the college at the time of this unhappy accident . his second wife was anne of saxony , daughter to the great maurice elector of saxony who made head against the emperor charles the v. by whom he had the famous maurice , of whom we shall give a very large relation , and a daughter named emilia de nassau who married emanuel king of portugal , son to king anthony of portugal , who was dispossessed by king philip the ii. this prince emmanuel won so much on the princess by his civility , courtship and addresses , that she chose him for her husband as poor as he was , and of a contrary religion , and tho' prince maurice opposed the match as advantageous to neither . they had two sons , whom i knew in my youth , one of whom left a son , among other children , who went lately into holland to demand of the prince of orange the remainder of his grandmother's fortune ; and many daughters , some of whom were married to persons of a very unsuitable quality . she was a very good princess , but about the end of her life , having fallen out with the prince of orange her brother , she retired to geneva . an. dom. . and died shortly after of melancholy , leaving six daughters whom i saw at geneva , an. dom. . she was godmother to one of my sisters and gave her her name emilia , who is still alive and is married to the seigneur de montrevil near menetoon in champagne : her godfather was the count de culembourg , son to florent de pallant count de culembourg , whose house at brussels was pulled down by order of the duke of alva , and who having done nothing after the address of the nobility , retired into holland and lived so privately that he died unknown to those of his own party . the third wife of william prince of orange was charlotte de bourbon of the house of montpensier , whom i have declared before to have been a religieuse or abbess of iouarre . but the love of liberty which is an invaluable blessing , prevailed over all the vows she had made in her youth , which she pleaded she had been forced to , and had made several protestations against . she died of a pleurisy at antwerp , a. d. . leaving six daughters behind her . the eldest lovise iulienne de nassau was married to frederick the iv. elector palatine , father to frederick the v. elected king of bohemia , who by the princess elizabeth of england , sister to charles the i. king of great britain , had many princes and princesses . the eldest , henry frederick design'd king of bohemia with his father , a. d. . was a very handsom and hopeful prince . he studied at leyden , and our tutor benjamin prioleau author of the latin history of the last regency , carried us duely every sunday after dinner to play with this young prince , who loved us extreamly , which made us the more regret his death when we afterwards heard of it . he perished unhappily in the sea of haerlem , going in company with the king his father to see the spanish galleons laden with an inestimable booty , which had been taken by peter hain the dutch admiral near the island of cuba . a vessel by night , sailing full speed , having fall'n soul on his , split it in two ; thus the prince and all that were in it were drowned , except the king his father , who by great fortune , having caught hold of a rope that was thrown out to him from the ship , was miraculously drawn aboard . the second is the present elector palatine , who has several children by the princess of hesse , among others , madam the dutchess of orleans , a princess of great wit and judgment , who has already children who are the first princes of the blood in france . the third is the famous prince robert who has won so much reputation by sea and land , having not deceived the hopes which he had given in his infancy , by the martial and manly look which was then taken notice of . the fourth was called edward , who lived a long time in france , where turning catholick he married the princess anne de gonzague daughter to the late duke of mantua , montferrat and lions , and sister to maria louise q. of poland , and wife to two brothers uladislaus and casimir kings of poland . she was celebrated for her beauty under the name of the princess maria. concerning whom , i add this by the way , that having been designed queen of poland , and understanding that i was very well acquainted with the state of that kingdom where i had been twice ; she desired me by the duke de noailles to give her some instructions of it , which i did several afternoons ; and in token of her acknowledgment she would be godmother to my eldest daughter , with monsieur the coadjutor of paris , then archbishop of corinth , who is the famous cardinal de retz , the learnedst prelate in the kingdom . but to return to the prince palatine , edward : he left three daughters by the princess anne of mantua , the eldest of whom is madam the dutchess of enguien , already the mother of several princes and princesses of the blood. the other married the duke of brunswick hanouer , who had only daughters , and the third the prince of solme who was made prisoner at the battle of seneff . if i well remember ( for i write all this by my memory which is very good without the assistance of any book ) there was another son of the king of bohemia , a very handsom man , godson to prince maurice of nassau , called maurice . i saw another son of his , called philip , who retired to venice , for an action which 't is better to pass over in silence than mention . another son was called louis , who died young , whom my father named so for the late king who was his godfather , by an order of his majesty which follows . monsieur de maurier , being acquainted with the desire my cousin the count palatine of the rhine has to invite me to be godfather to the last son which god has given him , i shall be extreamly glad to pay him this testimony of my friendship and good affection , and that you should perform this office in my name when the time is , first informing him of the charge i have given you , and renewing the assurances of my affection to him : referring this to your care i desire god ( monsieur maurier ) to keep and preserve you . written at paris the th day of novemb. . signed lowis ; and below , brulart . in pursuance of this order the ceremony of the baptism was performed . prince maurice represented the king of sweden , who was likewise godfather , and the countess of nassau , the queen of sweden . my father walked as embassador of france , with the king of bohemia on his right hand , and the prince of orange on his left. the ceremony was celebrated with great pomp in a church at the hague called the cloistre , where i was present , with my three brothers . for which great honour the king and queen of bohemia thanked the king of france by monsieur d'ausson de villeroul , of the house of iaucourt , brother-in-law to my father , who was in their service , and afterwards unhappily perished with prince henry frederick by the splitting of the vessel which i mentioned before . the pope's nuncio resident at paris hearing of this baptism , made great complaints of it at court , and said 't was a great shame for the most christian king and eldest son of the church to have his person represented by a huguenot in an ecclesiastical ceremony . the king and queen of bohemia left behind them several princesses eminent for their beauty and merit , one of whom turned catholick , and is now abbess de maubuisson . the princess louise iuliane de nassau , eldest daughter of charlotte de bourbon , and william prince of orange , had also a daughter by frederick the iv. elector palatine , who was married to the late elector of brandenburg , father to the present elector . i saw ( a. d. . ) the old electoress palatine a konigsberg , the capital of the ducal prussia , where she had retired to her daughter the electoress of brandenbourg after the disorders of the palatinate . these two princesses were extreamly civil to me . the second daughter of charlotte de bourbon and william prince of orange , was elizabeth de nassau , wife to henry de la tour , duke of bouillon , a famous general in the the wars of henry the iv she was living in the year . and i saw her in the castle of sedan , after the battle wherein the count de soissons was killed . she left two sons and four daughters who had children the eldest was frederick maurice de la tour , duke of bouillon , as great a captain as his father , who by the countess de bergue had the present duke of bouillon , great chamberlain of france , and the cardinal de bouillon , a prince of great learning and merit , and the count d'auvergne who has distinguished himself in our armies , and other children , among the rest the dutchess d'elbeuf . the second son of elizabeth de nassau and henry de la tour duke of bouillon , was the famous henry de la tour , viscount de turenne , a general of as great wisdom and valour , who during the whole course of his life was held for one of the firmest pillars of the state , and in consideration of his extraordinary valour and great services , was interr'd at st. denys with our kings , by a just order of his majesty . he married the heireress of the house de la force , whose vertue equalled her birth ; she was daughter to the deceased duke de la force , and grand-daughter to a mareschal of that name , two famous captains , and died without issue , but if she had left any children behind her they could not have failed of being great men , being descended on both sides from an illustrious number of generous ancestors . besides these two great sons , elizabeth de nassau had several daughters by henry de la tour , duke de bouillon . the eldest , anna maria de la tour , married henry duke de la trimouille and de thouars her cousin german . iuliane de la tour was married to francis de roye de la rochefoucault , count de roussy , father to the count de roye , very famous in our armies . elizabeth wife of guy alfonse de darfort , marquess of duras , father to monsieur de duras , captain of the guards du corps to the king , mareschal of france , governour of the franche comtè , and of the count de lorge likewise mareschal of france . i believe that the youngest was called henrietta de la tour , wife to the late marquess de la moissy of the house of matignon . she is mother to the marquese du bordage , and the count de quintine , who married a lady of the illustrious name of montgomery , as considerable for her beauty and merit , as the greatness of her extraction . the third daughter of charlotte de bourbon and william prince of orange , was named catharine belgique , who married philip louis count of hanau a sovereign lord near francfort on the main , from whom , besides the counts of hanau , is descended amelia elizabeth , wife to that generous william landtgrave of hesse , who died in the year . after whose death this princess , a woman of a masculine courage , continued on the war against the imperialists , and pursued the steps of her husband who after the peace of prague ( where most of the protestant princes forsook their allies and joined with the house of austria ) had the courage and resolution to make head almost alone against so formidable a power . among other children she left the present landtgrave of hesse , called william as his father was , the electoress palatine mother to the dutchess of orleans , and the princess of tarente , mother to the present duke de la trimouille who is married to the heiress of the house of crequi . the fourth daughter of charlotte de bourbon and the prince of orange , was charlotte brabantine , wife to claude duke de la trimouille , and de thouars , count de la val who had henry duke de la trimouille , dead lately , and frederick de la trimouille , count de laval killed in a duel in italy by the late monsieur du coudray montpensier . i saw him , and knew him in my youth , and because his upper lip was slit , they called him bec de lievere or hare-lip . henry duke de la trimouille had by mary de la tour , his cousin german , formerly mentioned , the prince de tarent and de talmont who is dead , and who had the duke of trimouille already mentioned by the princess of hesse . the fifth daughter of charlotte de bourbon and the prince of orange , was charlotte flandrine de nassau , who returning to the religion of her ancestors died abbess of s. croix in poictiers . she was a very good princess , i knew her , but was little , and so deaf that she could not hear without a little silver trumpet . the sixth daughter of charlotte de bourbon princess of orange was aemilia of nassau , wife to frederick casimir count palatine , of the branch of duponts , called the duke of lansberg . this is the illustrious and great posterity of this fruitful abbess . the fourth and last wife of william of nassau prince of orange , was louise de coligny , widow to monsieur de teligny , and daughter to the great admiral de chatillon ; by whom he had only one son , the renowned henry frederick prince of orange , of whom we shall speak hereafter . besides his celebrated posterity of legitimate children , the prince of orange left a natural son called iustin de nassau , who led a considerable body of men to the assistance of king henry the iv. before the peace of vervins . he was a brave , vertuous man , and died governour of breda . i have heard my father say , that in the year . having dispatched to court upon some important affair , a garson captain , named lanchere , famous in the netherlands , where he served . this courier in his return passing through breda , monsieur iustin de nassau asked him , what news ? he answered , nothing considerable but the imprisonment of the count d' auvergne , since duke of angoulesme . iustin de nassau asking him the reason , he replied , bluntly striking him on the back , ( for he was acquainted with his true extraction ) don't you know , sir , that a son of a whore was never good for any thing . a fault which the poor lanchere confessed to my father when he knew that he was a bastard . which is a proof that 't is good to be informed of pedigrees and alliances , otherwise we are liable to mistakes , and to offend innocently persons of quality . the end of the life of william of nassau prince of orange . the life of lovise de coligny , the fourth and last wife of william of nassau prince of orange . this lady had very excellent vertues , without having the least mixture of any weakness incident to her sex , through the course of her whole life , though it was very long . she had been married to monsieur de teligny before the famous day of st. bartholomew , which was in . and she died in . the admiral her father esteem'd her very much both for her modesty and prudence she gain'd every body's heart and affection , by her way of conversation , which was easy and graceful ; and had an universal respect , as well for her true sence , as her extraordinary good nature . she was very well shap'd , though her stature was but low ; her eyes were very beautiful , and her complexion lively . the admiral , who loved her tenderly and passionately , desired to have her well disposed of , after having cast his eyes upon all the persons of quality that were of his own religion and party , he found none so deserving to marry this excellent lady as monsieur de teligny , ( son of monsieur de teligny a famous captain in the wars of italy ) in whom he had observed more valour and conduct than in any other gentleman of his time ; besides , his vertues were so considerable , that those who writ in favour of queen catharine queen of medices , ( who mortally hated the admiral have confessed , that she and the king her son had very great difficulty to consent to the death of monsieur de teligny , who had rendred himself agreeable to both of them , by his handsom deportment , and by his sincere and noble way of acting ; which shews that vertue is always attractive , from whencesoever it proceeds , and that it has uncommon charms to make it self admired and favoured , though in the person of an enemy . the admiral then advised this beautiful lady to accept of monsieur de teligny , and to preferr a man indued with so many good qualities , though of moderate fortune , to others , who though they had greater riches and titles , were still less worthy to possess her . but she soon lost so good a husband , together with the admiral her father , in the cruel day of st. bartholomew . having heard of this misfortune in burgundy , her mother-in-law and she , with the young lord of chatillon her brother , had much ado to get into switzerland to secure their lives , the massacre of the protestants being universal throughout all france . this great admiral was son of another gaspar de coligny , lord of chatillon upon loyr , mareschal of france under louis the xii a famous general , who died at aix , as he was commanding the french army against the spaniards , and of louise de montmorency , sister to anne de montmorency , constable of france . he left behind him three sons that were very considerable ; odet cardinal of chatillon the eldest , who was patron to all the wits and learned persons of his age ; iasper admiral of france , who , before that , had been governour of paris and picardy ; and lastly , francis de coligny lord of andelot , colonel general of the french infantry . a son of the admiral , named francis was likewise colonel of the french infantry , he signalized himself , as well upon the bridge of tours , by saving the persons of henry the iii. and the king of navarre , from the forces of the league , and afterwards in the battle of arques , by which he gained the reputation of surpassing the admiral . he left two sons by a daughter of the house of chaune de pequigny ; the eldest , who promised much , was taken off by a cannon bullet at the siege of ostend ; the other was the mareschal de chatillon , father to the count de coligny that died young , and the duke de chatillon who was killed at charenton . the mareschal chatillon had likewise two daughters , one married to the prince of montbeliard , and the other named henrietta , countess of adinton and suze , had so great a genius for poetry , that she has out done sappho her self , by her exquisite works , which are the delight of all such as are lovers of gallantry . madam de teligny having lived during her widowhood with a conduct that made her admired by the whole world , she was sought to by prince william of orange after the death of charlotte de bourbon , and he married her in the year . upon the reputation of her vertue . but soon after , by a fatality that usually snatches from us that which is most dear , she saw him assassinated before her own eyes , having had but one son by him , born a little before his father's death who was the famous henry frederick prince of orange . she had this advantage , to be sprung from the greatest man in europe , and to have had two husbands of very eminent vertues , the last of which left behind him an immortal reputation ; but she had likewise the misfortune to lose them all three by hasty and violent deaths ; her life having been nothing but a continued series of afflictions able to make any one sink under them , but a soul that , like hers , had resigned her self up so totally to the will of heaven . she has told my father freely , that at her coming into holland , she was very much surprized at their rude way of living ; so different from that in france , and whereas she had been used to a coach , she was there put into a dutch waggon , open at top , guided by a vourman ; where she sate upon a board , and that in going from roterdam to delft , which is but two leagues , she was crippled , and almost frozen to death . there never was one of a more noble soul , or a truer lover of justice than this princess . but it was observable , during the great differences between maurice prince of orange her son-in-law , and monsieur barneveldt , she took part with the latter , and used all her endeavours to save his life , having founded her good opinion of him , upon his having been one of the chiefest confidents of the prince her husband . this princess was my father's greatest support in his long embassy ; and rendred him always agreeable to the house of orange . this was a favour which at that time he stood mightily in need of ; for the court would suffer no person there , but one that stood fair in the opinion of that family . this protection was so much the more advantageous and necessary to him , because there were several persons of quality in france that were brothers-in-law or cousins to prince maurice , who used all their endeavours to render him suspected , and to have him recalled from that employment , which was the most considerable that could be hoped for from france in that conjuncture . all europe was then in a profound peace , so all embassies at other courts lay dead , and had no action stirring that was considerable . that of holland only was of importance , by reason of the war , which on their part was managed under the conduct of that famous captain count maurice ; and in flanders by the great general ambrose spinola a genoese . the english , scotch , danes , swedes , the germans those that were protestants , and the french went thither to learn the rudiments of war under the count ; and the germans , the italians , the sicilians , the polanders , and the spaniards , that were catholicks , did the same under the marquess ; so it seemed as if all the whole christian world was met in this little corner of the earth to learn how to fight against one another . france then maintaining divers companies of foot , and some troops of horse in that countrey , being very much interested in what concerned the good of the united provinces , who then employed the arms of the spaniards their ancient enemies ; and having likewise very often an occasion for the assistance of the dutch men of war , the embassador had continually some matter of importance to write to court , and to dispatch his couriers thither . besides the king every year gave large sums to the hollanders for the payment of the french troops ; and the embassador , besides the allowance for his employment , and his pensions from court , had moreover fourscore thousand livres a year as treasurer in holland ; and all the money went through his hand . besides the great profit of this employment , there was likewise much honour and pleasure in the service ; for all the french nobility , when they came from the university , went to learn the art of war under prince maurice , as heretofore they had done in piedmont under the great mareschal brisac . in winter the hague was full of french lords and gentlemen , who to honour their king , and the person of his minister used to accompany him to his audience of the states-general ; and it not being possible to provide coaches for two or three hundred gentlemen and officers , that sometimes came together , the embassador himself used to march on foot at the head of so splendid a company ; and his coach to follow after empty . i shall spend no more time upon the concerns of my fathers embassy , or his obligations to the princess louise of orange ; but return to my principal matter , and relate what i know concerning philip prince of orange , eldest son to william of nassau , by his first wife anne of egmont . phillip william prince of orange . portrait philip william of nassau , prince of orange , and eleanor of bourbon his wife . this prince was godson to king philip the second ; and when prince william his father was forced to take arms in his own defence , he studied in the colledge of lovaine : where , amongst other priviledges , it is not permitted to arrest any person upon what account soever . notwithstanding this , iohn vargas , a spaniard , accompanied with several souldiers of the same nation , took him thence by force , pursuant to an order from the duke of alva ; in spite of all the clamours of the rector of the university , who complaining vehemently and in good latin , that their priviledges were violated , was answered by vargas very incong●…uously in this barbarous expression , non curamus privilegios vestros . the prince of orange his father complained of it by publick manifesto's , which set forth the cruelty of the spaniards ; and proved that there were neither laws nor priviledges , nor innocence of age , that could exempt any person from their tyranny . this poor child was carried prisoner into spain at years old , and shut up in a castle in the country , where he could have no education , and where he pass'd the greatest part of his time in playing at chess , which the governour of the castle had taught him . towards the end of his imprisonment , which was about years , they allow'd him a little more liberty . this prince was naturally complaisant ; his body sat , and wore a very large beard . being carried young into spain , he continued a catholick ; so the spaniards , to justifie this unjust detention , said they had brought him thither only to preserve him from the poyson of heresie , and to keep him in security from it . during his stay in spain , the captain who guarded him having spoke much to the disadvantage of prince william his father , this generous son , push'd on by affection for his father , which animated him to resentment , took him about the middle , threw him out of the window , and broke his neck . he thought that so bold an action would bring him into trouble : and indeed upon this occasion there were different advices given in king philips council , but at last it was resolved to use mildness , and indulgence in this encounter ; gabriel osorio , a young gentleman , who was present at the action , having reported it in favour of the prince , said the governour had been wanting in his respect towards him ; so this death was allowed to his just resentment . the prince thought himself so obliged to osorio , for this favorable representation which he had made of him , that he ever after kept him near his person , and bestow'd on him a great many favours . at last , king philip ii. either moved by so long a captivity , or weary of punishing the pretended iniquity of the father upon the son that was innocent , or rather hoping that his deliverance would raise jealousies and divisions amongst the brothers of the house of orange , ( as the escape of monsieur de guise , from the castle of tours , had caused amongst the heads of the league ) resolved to release him , after so long an imprisonment . then count maurice shewed upon this occasion , that he had a soul that was wholly disinterested , and let him enjoy all the estates which were then in his possession , as breda and other places ; and madam the countess of holoc , his sister by father and mother , used him very generously , making him a thousand fair offers , and rich presents , upon his arrival in the low countries , where they two met at cleves ; but count maurice for fear of being suspected , satisfied himself with visiting him by an envoy . prince philip came into flanders with albert the arch-duke , who a little while after sent him back to spain , to bring the infanta isabella ( afterwards his ●…se ) into the low countries , to whom her father philip gave in marriage , the soveraignty of the seventeen provinces ; all europe was very much astonished , that the son of a man so odious to spain , should be chose to execute so important a commission , which could not be given him without a large testimony both of esteem and confidence . he lived afterwards in the court of brussels with the arch-dukes of flanders : for the states of the united provinces conceived such a distrust of him by reason of this employment , and because king philip had reestablished him in his lands , situated in the spanish low countries , and in the franche comte , which had been confiscated ; that they would never let him come to visit their provinces , much less to continue there , though he had often testified his desire of it . he never appeared there before the year , when the truce with the spaniards was almost concluded ; and in this journey he did nothing else but reconcile the princess emilia his sister , with his brother count maurice , who would never see her since her marriage with prince emanuel of portugal , because it had been concluded without his consent . he married eleanor of bourbon , the sister of the deceased prince of conde , a very virtuous princess , by whom he had no children . this marriage with the first princess of the blood of france , put him in possession of his principality and town of orange , where the sieur de blacons who was governor of it , as being a kinsman of monsieur the marshal des lesdiguierres , who commanded absolutely in dauphiny , would not let him enter ; but the sieur de blacons , had so many express orders from the king to leave the place ; and monsieur des lesdiguierres had an order to make them be precisely obeyed , that at last the prince saw himself possess'd both of the place and his soveraignty ; for before he had been look'd upon as an enemy , having followed the arch-duke albert when he was at calais , and would make king henry iv. raise the seige of amiens . prince philip farther confess'd to his most intimate friends , that in his whole life he was never in so great pain and such strange uneasiness , as at the time when the battle of newport was fought ; for the arch-duke , who presumed very far upon his own forces , thinking them as much superior in valor , as they were in number , to those of the hollanders , had boasted , that if he had gained the day , he would send the two brothers , maurice and henry frederick , bound hand and foot as his prisoners into spain . so he sent out his scouts on every side , kept all his horses ready sadled and bridled in his stable , and his people all in a condition to retire suddenly into some place of safety , thinking that his brothers being lost , he likewise must perish by the spaniards : so that during the whole fight he was at his prayers , and made ardent and continual vows that his brothers might obtain the victory . during the truce , which was concluded for years , he made a voyage into holland , in the year , with madam the princess his wife , and they lived generally at breda . my father had the honor to see them , and converse with them often , and he was so far in both their good graces , that they helped him to overthrow a great many calumnies which had been invented to draw upon him the indignation of monsieur the prince of conde , and several other lords and great persons of the kingdom , who during the minority of the late king , had been several times in arms upon diverse pretences ; it having been told them by my fathers enemies that during these commotions , he had acted with too much heat and violence against them , having caused several vessels full of arms to be seized , and stopped divers officers from holland , who would have come over to their service ; to all these disobliging actions were added some discourses to the disparagement of these great persons , which my fathers enemies had likewise imputed to him . these princes had so far given credit to such impostors , that not being able to seize upon my fathers person , they testified their resentment by sacking his castle of fountayne dangé , near chateleraut , which they pillaged by their troops ; but mary de medices , the queen mother , who had knowledge of this disorder , being then at poitiers , made him ample satisfaction ; so that he had no further loss , than of several original papers , and ancient titles which were not in her majesties power to repair . the king himself upon this occasion wrote to my father as follows , monsieur de maurier , then after this are two pages in cypher . as for what remains , i am very sorry that your house has suffered for the services you have rendred me . i will takecare of my servants , and encourage them to do well by the protection which i give both to their persons and estates . the sieur de puysieux may acquaint you with what i have ordered upon this account ; continue only to serve me with care and fidelity as you do at present , and you shall receive both the honor and the profit of it . i pray god keep you monsieur de maurier , under his holy and safe protection . written at poitiers , jan. , . signed lewis , and a little lower . brulard . the queen likewise wrote him the following letter . monsieur de maurier , the king , my son , answers your dispatch by this bearer , whose intentions i am assured you can so well execute , as they may produce the effect which we desire , pursuant to your good counsels ; we confide therefore in your affection and care in this encounter ; nor shall i add any further command . you know likewise what considerations he has made you , for the house which you have lost in his service ; to which , if you continue firm with the same fidelity and diligence , you shall receive all possible content and advantage . i pray god keep you monsieur de maurier in his holy and safe protection . written at poitiers the th of january , . signed mary , and a little lower brulard . monsieur de puysieux writ to him likewise , towards the end of a long dispatch . as to what concerns your interests , and the loss and damage you have sustained in your house of fontayne , i have not been wanting to represent it to their majesties , in all those circumstances which were requisite ; at which they are much concerned , and do not intend that any of their servants shall suffer upon account of the good services they have rendred them . they have ordered you crowns for a recompence of your loss , and would have you know , they do it upon that consideration ; and have thought fit to encrease your pension to crowns a year . i wish i could still testifie more to your content , the extream desire i have of serving you , that you may know that i am truly your very humble , and very affectionate servant , from poitiers , jan. th . puysieux . prince philip , and madame his princess , had so much goodness as to disabuse the princes and grandees , who had raised a war , which they called the war of the henrys , because the greater part of the heads of that party were so called ; mounseir the prince was called , henry of bourbon ; monsieur du mayne , henry of lorrain ; monsieur du longeville , henry of orleans ; and the duke of bovillon , henry de la tour. they told them all , that these injurious speeches were pure inventions to animate them against my father . they acquainted them likewise that whilst he acquitted himself of his duty , he all along continued to preserve that respect which was due to them ; that for what remained there was no reason to object it to him as a crime , to have served his master faithfully . and that he could not without betraying his trust , and endangering his own ruine , but execute such orders as came to him from court. i remember that i saw them at our house in my infancy , and particularly the princess , who had the goodness to make very much of us , and did my father the favor to think fit , that one of my sisters , who was born at that time , should have the honor of bearing her name of eleanor : she was presented in baptism by prince henry frederick of orange , who was her godfather . this daughter was married to the baron de mauzè , near rochelle , brother to the marquess de la villedieu , and died without children , in . she was a woman who painted the best in france , and writ the most correctly , whose letters were all of a vigorous and masculine stile , without one word that was unnecessary . prince philip died at brussels , in the beginning of the year . he had the hemorrhoids very much in●…amed ; and gregory a german chyrurgeon having hurt him with the syringe whilst he gave him a clyster , a gangreen insued , and it was impossible to save him . the princess his wife died likewise in the same year . after his death , count maurice his brother took upon him the quality of prince of orange , and inherited his whole estate ; whereas before he was contented with the bare title of count. maurice of nassau , prince of orange . this great captain has falsified the proverb , which says , the children of heroes are generally good for nothing ; for though he was the son of a most excellent father , who left behind him an immortal glory , yet he has not only equall'd him in his prudence and greatness of soul , but has likewise surpassed him in the art military , and great performances ; as the father for years together made the discourse of all europe , so the son for years successively , did it much more than all the crown'd heads in europe : for from the year , when he came first into action , to , when he died , prince maurice was never mentioned without admiration and astonishment , as being held for one of the greatest captains that has ever yet appeared : in truth , though nature does not always make extraordinary efforts to produce great men in the same family and succession , yet the great actions of the father are powerful incentives to stir up their children to imitate them : the glory of their ancestors being a light , which directs their posterity to march in those generous paths which they have trod before them if the vertue of strangers has often stirred up some couragious souls to do great things , ( as that greek whose rest was discomposed by the triumphs of miltiades ; ) sure domestick examples must be much more moving , that they may not incur the shame of having degenerated . upon this occasion i shall here relate what i have often heard my father say in his latter years , that he had undoubtedly past his life in the country like some of his predecessors , had not it been for the example of iames aubrey , his great unkle ; who by his vertue , his knowledge and his eloquence , discharged the office of advocate general to the parliament of paris , was lieutenant civil of the council to henry the second , and his ambassador extraordinary to england ; where he concluded a peace between henry the second , and edward the sixth ; and left behind him the reputation of being the french demosthenes and cicero , by that famous plea which he made , pursuant to an order of the king , for the people of cabrieres and merindol ; and which monsieur the chancellor de hopital admired so much , that he has translated great part of it into latin verse . my father therefore thought , that by his labour he might arrive to honourable employments ; and so well ordered the talents which god had given him , that he likewise was employed in embassies , and admitted to the council of his princes . prince maurice of orange from his very childhood discovered the passionate desire he had to follow the glorious steps of his father ; and took for the body of his device the trunk of a tree , cut off so as to seem about two foot high , from whence there grew a vigorous sprout , which apparently would renew the noble tree which had produced it , with these words , tandem fit circulus arbor , at last the sprout becomes a tree : to show that he would revive the glories of his father . i do not pretend to represent the great actions of this prince in all the particulars ; i shan't say any thing that may be found in common annals , nor add to the number of those who transcribe other people ; my design is only to draw the portraicture of his person and his manners , to inform the world of some transactions of his life which are not known , and to set forth the causes of those great differences which hapned between him and mr. barneveld ; which , as it was thought , would have overturn'd the commonwealth , by an intestine division that has remained almost to this day , and threaten'd its ruine if it had not been prevented . but before we come to these things , it is necessary briefly to represent his principal actions , and to tell you , that prince maurice had a great stock of constancy and courage from the th year of his age , when he was called to the government of affairs upon the decease of his father ; for he was not cast down by that torrent of success which attended alexander farnese duke of parma , governor and captain general for the king of spain , who had then taken bruges , ghent , dendermond , deventer , nimeghen , the grave , with a great many other places , and even antwerp it self , ( which was held for impregnable ) by a siege , which was looked upon as a miracle of the age ; having stopped the river schelde , and repell'd the force of the sea by a dyke , which was then held as a thing impossible , and which afterwards set an example for undertaking the same thing at rochel . prince maurice was not more disturbed by the confusion and disorder that had reigned for a long time in the common-wealth , occasioned by the haughty conduct of robert dudley earl of leicester , captain general for the queen of england in the united provinces , whose insupportable pride , and unmeasurable ambition , did them more prejudice than the sums of money which he brought , and the troops which he commanded , ever contributed to their service ; for four entire years the states were reduced to strange extremities , so that it was thought impossible for this young prince to rid himself of so great difficulties ; and to cure those evils which were occasioned by the intrigues of spain , and the treachery of some of the earl of leicester's dependants ; who , after their return into england , sold the most important places to the spaniards . to be short , as the affairs of this world do not always continue in the same posture , and are subject to a perpetual change , so that good fortune , which till then had favoured the duke of parma in all his enterprizes , of a sudden came over to the party of prince maurice ; for the spanish navy , which they had entitled the invincible , and was designed to swallow up england , and the united provinces , was destroyed in the year . by the fleet , and good fortune of queen elizabeth ; the third part of so great a navy scarce returning into the spanish havens , after having undergone incredible dangers upon the coasts of england , scotland , and ireland ; and this inestimable loss was accompanied with the mortification which the duke of parma received before berghen ap-zoom , which he had besieged ; prince maurice having forced him to quit his enterprize , with the entire ruine of his reputation . after this success the prince , for the course of years , to the time of the truce , had fortune still so favourable to him , that he conquered or towns , and more fortresses , and defied the spaniards in open field at three signal battels : besides , he obtained several great victories at sea , as well upon the coast of flanders , as upon that of spain and the indies , by the valor of his lieutenants and vice-admirals . but nothing gained him so much reputation , as the happy surprizal of the town and castle of breda , which belonged to his own propriety . he made himself master of it in , by the stratagem of a boat of turfs , without any effusion of blood , or losing so much as one soldier upon so important an occasion ; and since this remarkable action has made so great a noise in the world , it may not be unnecessary to give some account of it , in as brief terms as possible . a boatman , called adrian bergues , who furnished the garison of breda with turfs , being discontented with the spaniards , proposed a way to prince maurice , how to surprize the place , by placing some soldiers in the bottom of his boat. the prince seeing the probability of the matter , gave the management of this great design to charles de heraugiere , a walloon gentleman , native of cambray , captain of foot in his guards , reputed a man of bravery and conduct . as soon as he received this order , he made choice of soldiers out of several companies , and some commanders , whose courage had been tryed . these he put at the bottom of the boat , where they were placed very uneasily , as being forced either to lie down or stoop , the rest of the boat being filled up with turfs to a very great height . it was extreme cold weather ; besides , they were up to the knees in water , which came in by a leak , which at last they fortunately stopped . the excessive cold made them cough very much , but above all , matthew helt , a lieutenant , ( whose name ought to be remembred here in testimony of the courage he shew'd upon this occasion ) not being able to hinder himself from coughing as they came near to the castle , drew his sword , and desired his comrades to kill him , that the enterprize might not fail , and he become the cause of their ruine ; but the boatman hindred him from being heard , by often pumping , as if his boat had took water . the garrison , consisting of italians , wanted firing , the soldiers , because of the ice , helped to draw the boat by a sluce within the walls of the castle , as the trojans brought the wooden horse into their city ; which gave occasion to the poets of the time , to compare the taking of breda to that of troy ; but withal remarking this difference , that the horse made the enemies masters of troy , from whence proceeded its ruine , whereas this boat put the right lord into possession of breda , who thereupon caused it immediately to flourish . prince maurice having spread the report that he had a design upon gertrudemberg , made the surprizal of breda become more easie ; for edward lanza vechia , who was governor of both places , ran to that which he thought was most in danger . so the castle being without a commander was easily carried . as soon as heraugiere had made himself master of it by the death of of the enemy , prince maurice , attended by the counts de hohenlo and solmes , francis vere the general of the english , iustin of nassau the admiral , and the sieur de famars general of the artillery , being entred into the castle with several of his troops , was afterwards received into the town , whence the italian garrison , which , for the most part , consisted of horse , ran , with full speed , by the way of antwerp . heraugiere , with a great deal of justice , was made governor of breda , and lambert charles a french man , a brave soldier of fortune , was made serjeant major : i saw him afterwards when he was governor of nimeguen . there were medals stamped upon so considerable an occasion , which had these words upon one side , breda à servitute hispanica vindicata ductu principis mauricii à nassau . martii . breda delivered from the spanish yoke , by the conduct of prince maurice of nassau . march . . and upon the reverse was represented a boat , with these words , parati vincere aut mori , prepared to overcome or dye . one of these medals was given to each of the soldiers in the boat , as likewise a sum of money , with the promise of future advancement ; adrian de bergues the boatman had likewise a medal , and was rewarded with a very large pension . this surprizal may occasion this necessary reflection , that ye ought never to trust the guard of two frontier places at the same time to one only governor , who has but too much trouble to preserve his own government from the neighbouring enemy , whose mind is always intent , and his eyes open , for some opportunity to be able to surprize him . the taking of hulst in flanders , was a very considerable action , and that of gertrudemberg much more so , by reason of a long and difficult siege , in sight of the spanish army , consisting of men , commanded by the old count peter ernest of mansfeldt , in the absence of the duke of parma , who was then in france , with succors for the league : this old general could never force the young prince in his own lines , nor oblige him to come out of them , though he presented him battle each day continually ; so that when count mansfeldt said one day to a trumpeter whom p. maurice had sent him , that he admired his master , who was a young prince , full of heat and courage , would always contain himself within the covert of his own retrenchments ; the trumpeter answered him , that his excellency of nassau , was a young prince , who desired to become one day such an old and experienced general , as his excellency of mansfeldt was at present . the year following he took the great and famous town of groninghen , capital of the province ; he likewise took , and retook rimbergues , and seized upon maeurs , and the grave , towns belonging to his own patrimony ; having by the death of several spaniards revenged the public injuries and those of his private family . the reputation of prince maurice was very much increased , by the long and memorable defence of ostend , where the spaniards having lost more than threescore thousand men , in a siege that continued above years , and exhausted their treasures by the expence of above two millions , at last became masters of a bit of ground which might seem to be a burying place rather than a city . at the time of this loss prince maurice was so happy and diligent , that to return it with usury , in a few days he seized upon the town of sluise in flanders , which was of more consequence than ostend , that had cost so many men , so much time , and so vast a treasure ; upon which theophilus says very well in the ode he made for the prince of orange . much time , and many years the spaniards spend before their forces gain ostend . but , sir , when you resolve to seize a town , few days suffice to beat its bulwarks down . each day of yours much more importance bears . than all that space of time , which mortal men call years . this ode did not displease prince maurice , and tho he was naturally an enemy to flattery , and vain glory , yet he recompenced this poet with a chain of gold , and his medal , to a very great value . but this prince showed at the battle of newport , where he overcame the arch-duke albert , that he knew as well how to defeat a numerous and well appointed army in open field , as to defend places , or else to force and surprize them . the arch-duke , and the duke d'aumale were wounded in the fight , francis mendoza admiral of arragon , maister de campe , was taken prisoner , with a great many other commanders , and even the arch-dukes pages , whom prince maurice sent him back very civ●…illy , without any ransom . all the cannon , the baggage , and above cornets and colors , remained in the hands of the conqueror , who saw above enemies dead upon the place , and had all other marks of a full and entire victory ; which made several people say , because this great success happened upon the d day of iuly , that the fortune of the house of nassau was changed , seeing that years before , upon the same day of iuly , the emperor adolphus of nassau , had lost his life and empire near spire , in a battle against albert of austria ; and that the same day maurice had revenged the disgrace of his ancestors , by the defeat of the arch-duke albert , who was a descendant from the former albert of austria . a little before the fight , there was a dispute of honor , between prince maurice , and prince henry frederick his younger brother , who was then but years old ; for when the elder desired him to retire into some place of safety , that in case of any misfortune , he might defend his family , and his country ; prince henry being offended , said , he would run the same fortune with himself , and live or dye by him . prince maurice showed that no ill success could daunt his courage , for the resolution he had taken to give battle , was not altered notwithstanding that the night before the arch-duke had defeated the count ernest , whom the prince had sent to seize a pass , with regiments of foot , and troops of horse , that were all cut off , and several colors , with pieces of cannon taken . it is remarkable that the prince , to take away from his army all hopes of a retreat , and to show his men that they had nothing to trust to , but their arms , made all those vessels that brought them into flanders to be sent away , for which he was much commended by the admiral of arragon , as the thing which had gained him the victory by , the necessity that was laid upon his soldiers to fight boldly , as having no prospect of life but in the defeat of the spaniards ; so he told his men before the fight , that they must either overcome the enemy , or drink up all the water in the sea. there came out at that time a magnificent inscription upon this battle , in honor of prince maurice , which is this . anno secunda die iulij , mauricius aransionensium princeps in flandriam terram hospitem traducto exercitu cum alberto archiduce austriae conflixit , copias ejus cecidit , duces multos primumque mendosam coepit , reversus ad suos victor signa hostium centum quinque in hagiensi capitolio suspendit deo bellatori . in the year , the d day of july , maurice prince of orange , having brought his army into flanders , then possessed by his enemy , fought with albert arch-duke of austria , slew his forces , took several commanders , and especially mendoza , then returning conqueror to his country , he hung up of the enemies colors , in the councel house at the hague , to the honor of god the disposer of victory . this was not his first essay of a field battle , for otherwise he might have passed for one , that was good only at the taking of towns , but he had long before forced the duke of parma to raise the seige of knotsemburg , over against nimiguen , having defeated troops of his best cavalry ; a disgrace which the duke lessen'd , by the necessity laid upon him , by orders from spain , to go and succor roan . in the year , he had likewise at the battle of tournhout , defeated and slain the lord de balancon , count de varax , general of the artillery of spain , who commanded a body of foot , and horse , of which , besides the general , above were left upon the place , with several prisoners of note , amongst whom , a count of mansfeldt was one ; there were ensigns taken , with the cornet of alonzo de mondragon , which were all hung up in the great hall of the castle at the hague , for a perpetual memorial . and upon this occasion , i shall here relate , how an ambassador of poland , being come from king sigismond , to exhort the states general to reconcile themselves to the king of spain , whose power he magnified so far , as that sooner or later it would entirely subdue them , and speaking as if he would frighten them with lofty words , full of vanity , and according to the eloquence of his nation : count maurice , who was then present at this harrangue , upon his going out of the assembly , led the ambassador into this hall , where he show'd him all the colors and cornets , taken from the spaniards at knotsemburg , and turnholt , and without using many words , let him understand , that in reality the king of spain was not altogether so invincible . but as prince maurice was victorious at land , so he was not less successful at sea , having always got great advantages over the spaniards , by the conduct of his vice-admirals . they were assisting to the ruine of the spanish flota , stiled the invincible , and brought several of the galeons into zealand . in the year , iohn de duvenvorde , lord of varmont , contributed his help to the earl of essex , in taking the town of cales , and burning the spanish fleet , for which queen elizabeth returned thanks to the said sieur de varmont , by a very obliging letter , which extreamly commends his bravery . in the year , the vice-admiral peter vanderdoes , seized upon allagona , capital of the canary islands , where he forced the spaniards to fly into the mountains , and followed them even thither , and then having sacked and burnt the place , returned victorious to his own country . in the year , don frederick spinola , not being able to endure that these vessels of zealand should always lye before the haven of sluise , went out , with gallies , and some other vessels of war to chase 'em thence ; he was slain in the fight , and his fleet so ill handled , that it was constrained to retreat into sluise with a considerable loss : not to mention here a great many other considerable advantages obtained in the indies , and diverse other parts of the world , over the vessels of the castilians , and the portugueses . this is what i shall say in general of this great prince , only adding , that in the year , the truce of years being expired , and the marquess ambrose spinola , having besieged berghen ap zoom , with all the forces of spain , the prince of orange made him raise the siege , being assisted by count ernest of mansfeldt , and christian duke of brunswick , that he had expresly sent for out of germany . these generals had taken arms in favor of the king of bohemia , and passing through brabant , had defeated at fleuru , ( if my memory does not fail me ) don gonsalvo of corduba , who was sent to oppose their passage : in the fight the duke of brunswick had an arm cut off as he was forcing a barricade , which obliged him to wear one of silver , which i myself have seen . there was great rejoycing through all the united provinces for this happy victory , public thanksgivings were ordered to be made in every town , where there were such prodigious bonfires , that they seemed to be all on fire . so this count of mansfeldt , and the duke of brunswick contributed to the prince of orange's glory , which seemed to have been decay'd and worn out of mens minds by so long a truce , but was renewed and revived throughout the whole world , by so illustrious an action . and because that here there has been occasion to speak of these two men , who in their time were the scourges of mankind , it may not be amiss to let the prince of orange rest a little , and to relate what i know of their manner of proceedings , and their principal encounters . this count ernest was a bastard of the famous house of mansfeldt , which has produced great generals ; he was a man so subtile and cunning , that some have rightly stiled him ulysses germanicus , or the german ulysses . he was so bold , as to maintain the quarrels of the elector palatine , elected king of bohemia , with a great deal of constancy and resolution , against the family of austria ; he had several successes both unfortunate and happy ; at last being called into holland to the succor of berghen ap zoom , i remember that i saw him there ; he was then about years old , fair , much wrinkled , of a good stature , but a little stooping ; he always wore a gray hat , without a hatband , and said that he would never put it off till he had made his fortune , which i myself have heard him speak . france , that too late understood its true interest , ( for it had unadvisedly sacrificed the elector palatine to the fury of the house of austria , as i shall more fully relate hereafter ) assisted him with a sum of money , which my father paid him , and with the succor of foot , under the conduct of monsieur de mantereau , who had his winter quarters in east frizeland , beyond the river ems , with the troops of count mansfeldt . this new attila afterwards ravaged the lower saxony , from whence being chaced by the count de tilly the emperors general , he marched through the country of brandendurg into silesia , where he had some fortunate successes , and from thence at last retired to bethlem gabor prince of transylvania . a little after , as this unquiet spirit , fruitful in new expeditions , was going to venice , to propose some league , passing through bosnia in november , he was taken with a violent pain in his bowels , of which he died , not without suspition of poyson , and was buried at spalatro . he was a man of great courage , who run through and ravaged the greatest part of germany , having spread the terror of himself both within and without the empire , and so frightned champaigne and paris itself , when montpelier was besieged , where the late king was then in person , that the most part of the inhabitants of that great city , seeing their king and his principal forces upon the confines of his realm , conveyed themselves , with what they most esteemed to the city of orleans , to avoid a fire which consumed all things that were found in its way : some blockheads of paris being frightened with his approach , commonly called him bloody bones , and used his name to frighten children that were troublesome . as to duke christian of brunswick , he was of the illustrious and ancient house of brunswick , one of the richest and most powerful in all germany , which at present maintains armies both within and without the empire , and which having conquered the dutchy of bremen , assists the kings of spain and denmark , the hollanders and elector of brandenburg with its forces . this duke christian was commonly called halberstat , because he was bishop of that place , and sometimes dol hartzoch , which is as much as to say , one that acts like a madman . he was a prince of good mein , and well made ; he was very brave , but his courage had something more of brutishness than true valor : for when he saw a workman on the top of a steeple , he took no greater pleasure than to fetch him down with a stone , which in my time he did in holland : he had a great passion for the queen of bohemia , from whom he had taken an english glove , which i saw him wear , tied to a string in his hat , and hanging below the brims of it . having raised an army in lower saxony , and not having wherewithal to pay it , he turned a statue of st. liberius into money , which was much bigger than the life , and at that time in the cathedral church of paderburn . this saint liberius had been bishop of mans. such a beginning enticed him farther , and knowing that at munster there were apostles , all of silver , of a prodigious bigness ; he went thither , and seizing upon the place , marched directly to the great church called the dome , accompanied with all his collonels and captains , made a speech to these apostles , reproaching them with their idleness and disobedience , in not observing the commands of their master , to go instantly through all the world , in these words , go throughout all nations ; swearing that he would make them travellers , and become obedient : so he immediately commanded to coin them into rix dollars , with which he paid his army , and so spread them throughout all germany . he had taken this for his device , gottes freindt , und der psaffen feint , which is to say , friend of god , and enemy of priests , whom he slew , or at least guelt them , without any remission ; at last this outragious spirit departed in , at wolfenbottle , of a burning fever in the prime of his youth . after having raised the seige of berghen op zoom ; maurice prince of orange did nothing considerable besides the project he laid for the surprize of antwerp , but heaven and the winds were opposite to his design ; he had given so good order for every thing , the undertaking was so well laid , and he promised to himself such a happy issue , that he said that it was god alone that could hinder the success . prince maurice before he had resolved to ruine mr. de barneveld , honored my father with his esteem and confidence , insomuch that he undertook his defence against those that had aspersed him , as his elder brother prince philip , and his princess had done before ; which was very well known to all those who were then in holland , and which appears evidently by a letter which prince maurice writ to monsieur de villeroy , after the peace of landau , wherein he not only justifies my fathers conduct , but moreover tells him , that the court had no person thereabouts , who could serve france so much as my father , and that was so agreeable to him and the states general . the letter is this . sir , at my return from zeland , upon the instances that were made me by monsieur de maurier the kings ambassador , for the re-establishment of the french officers in their employments , i used my endeavors for the satisfaction of their majesties , the states having taken the same resolution , their act shall be executed ; i am very much pleased that the troubles in your kingdom have been so happily composed , and particularly that your labors have so well succeeded in it , wishing that this repose may be of long continuance to the prosperity of their majesties , which is the thing that i desire : besides , although the care and diligence which monsieur maurier has show'd in his faithful execution of the kings commands , may speak sufficiently for themselves , yet i must render this testimony to his behavior , that it has been such as has served their majesties heartily , and to the purpose , without giving any one reason to complain , having managed all his actions , which are very well known to us , with modesty , respect and honor , and thus much i can give you certain assurance of ; whereas if any other reports may be spread to his prejudice , they must do great injustice to his conduct and integrity : the states general and all of us , are fully satisfied with his whole proceedings , and think their majesties cannot hereafter make use of any other minister , that will be more faithful and serviceable to themselves , or more agreeable to this commonwealth , which , as i have reason , i must declare to be my own opinion ; and with that i shall conclude , together with assurance of my desire to serve you , and prayers to god to give you health and long life . sir , your very affectionate servant maurice of nassau . this letter , and several others of the same strain , which madam the princess dowager of orange , and the principal persons in the country had writ to court , contradicted the aspersions of several persons of quality , who had assured the queen mother and her ministers , that my father was disagreeable to the prince and states general . in short , prince maurice , upon all occasions , gave my father very signal marks of his esteem and friendship ; so that in the year , having a son born , the prince would be his godfather , and gave him his own name of maurice , with a little picture of a great value , this is he who has been known by the name of villaumaine , and who having past all his life in holland , where he was born , arriv'd by years service and his own merit , without any favor , to the command of collonel ; he had a mortal aversion for this last war , for he drew his extraction from france , where his family was established ; on the other side he saw himself obliged to defend the place of his birth , where he had all his effects , and where he was at last arrived to an honorable post , by an extraordinary patience : never man had more true friends than he , and they of all nations , so that he gained the esteem of all the considerable frenchmen that had known him in holland , amongst others of monsieur de beringhen , chief querry to the king , of mr. de st. romain , who was ambassador in portugal and switzerland ; and towards his latter days , of the princess of tarentum : he lived in great esteem for his valor and fidelity , and died at the head of his regiment in the battle of senef , very much lamented by all that knew him , and by the prince of orange himself , who placed a great confidence in him . i hope i shall be pardoned for the tenderness i had for this only brother that was left me , which occasioned this digression . but let us now come to the description of prince maurice's person and manners , even to the secrets of his life , which have not hitherto been divulged , as i have learnt them from my father , and several noble persons of that country . this prince was very strong , and indefatigable in labor ; he appeared lesser than he was , by being full and fat ; his face was plump and ruddy , his beard fair , which he wore very large and broad ; he always made use of little pleated ruffs about his neck : he never clothed himself but after the same fashion , with the same stuff , and that always of a sort of brown or musk color ; his doublet was of silk with gold stripes , the rest of his cloaths were woollen , but his cloaks , or long coats , were faced with velvet ; i speak of his common habit , and not of those that were designed for great feasts and public assemblies . he often wore in his hat a band of diamonds , he was never without a girdle , to which was fastened a sort of belt for his sword , that was gilt : i never saw him in any other habit , and yet i have minded him a thousand times , at the french church , in the castle at the hague , which heretofore was a chappel for the counts of holland , and often at my fathers , whither he used to come , either to eat , or play at chess , which was his chief diversion ; for during the truce , when he was not busy in war , he often plaid at it , and for that reason look'd upon such as did so . h ehad a great affection for mr. de la caze , a brave captain of bearn , whose son served in the troops of holland , and played very well at it . this mr. de la caze had no revenue more certain , than what he won of the prince at this play , scarce ever parting from him without or crowns of gold , which was worth more to him than his company . they never plaid for above one at a time , without ever doubling , but la caze that he might not dishearten the prince , would let him win one game in three or four . this monsieur de la caze has told my father , that the prince would be very much vexed when he lost , which happens even to the greatest men ; and the reason is evident , because it is their own fault if they lose , for this game does not depend at all upon chance , but good conduct ; and 't is very provoking to see ones self surpassed by others in knowledge or judgment . monsieur de la caze said , that when the prince had lost , and it was late before they gave over play , the wax lights being almost burnt out , he would pull his hat down over his eyes without rising from his seat , or bidding him good night ; but at such times as la caze had let him win , the prince would be very pleasant , conduct him on his way , and command his pages to light and wait upon him to his lodgings ; such particulars as these show the temper of people , and that the greatest men are not without their weaknesses . in relation to chess , prince philip of orange told my father , that he had heard for certain in spain , when he was there a prisoner , that an old spanish lord having been winner all the evening at this play , and continuing so good part of the night with king philip the d , without being so complaisant as to let him carry one game , and having remarked much disturbance in the kings countenance , he told his children upon his return home , that he must depart the day following , and never think of coming back to court , where there was nothing to be done or hoped for , either for himself or them , because he had beat the king at chess all that night , and should never be forgiven for it . prince maurice used to make himself very merry with us frenchmen , who to cloath themselves after the fashion of those times , wore slasht doublets , with one single shirt , which made those freeze that look'd upon them , being so thin cloathed , and shivering , in the midst of winter , which is very long and sharp in holland ; and as he was jesting one day upon them in a great company , one of these gentlemen told him , he had a way to deceive people , for he had two shirts on , and that nothing was so warm as two shirts ; the prince was pleasant , cried , lay a wager upon it ; to which the other replying , that he knew nothing warmer than two shirts , prince maurice answered , that undoubtedly three were warmer than two ; and that the weather was cold enough for him to make use of them . prince maurice related to my father , that one winter at the hague , when there was a great many german princes of his kindred there , they met one day at one of the chief inns to divert themselves , where after having drank till scarce any of them could see , one of the company proposed the putting out the lights , and throwing stools at one another all night long , which being done , one of these soveraign princes found his arm broke , another his knee out of joynt , another his skull crackt , and those that came off best had horrible bruises and black eyes ; after this they were all forced to go to bed , and consider what to do with themselves . this story the prince learnt from monsieur luc his surgeon , a frenchman , very expert in his profession , who was called to their help upon this occasion : prince maurice smilingly ask'd my father , if this was not a very fine and agreeable diversion for the princes his relations , and whether they had not extraordinary reason to boast of their pastime . prince maurice loved mathematicians and engineers very well , and amongst others of that age , he very much esteemed monsieur alcome , one excellent in the profession , to whom he gave a large pension , though he had a very good one from the king ; but there was no body could teach the prince in that science , he having contrived several fine inventions for the passage of rivers , and fiege of places , so that in his age , he served for a pattern to engineers , as well as captains . he would not suffer his troopers to wear straight boots , saying great inconveniencies might arise from thence , being often in haste to get on horseback ; ridiculing us frenchmen , for affecting to have fine legs , so that they would be whole hours in getting their boots off , or on ; and to set them an example , he had his own boots so large , that he could almost leap into them . he did not approve those italian grooms who taught their horses to prance , which he said was very dangerous , and had been the death of several people ; he had no people to manage his horses , and was content if they would only turn to the right and left . during the truce , the king of france sent him a magnificent present of spanish horses by monsieur de pluvenelle , querry to his majesty , who had the honor to teach the king to ride , being a person of great reputation , and the most famous man of his time in that art. the prince , though he was very vigilant and laborious , yet had so great a quietness of mind , that so soon as ever he was in bed , and his head laid upon the pillow , he fell into so sound a sleep , that it was a difficult matter to wake him ; but knowing his own infirmity , that he might not be surprized in time of war , as his father , who was of the same complexion , was like to have been in his tent , near malines , after having given necessary orders , he made two men watch by turns every hour , with command to wake him , if any accident should happen . marquess spinola was of a humor quite contrary to the prince , and could never sleep if he had the least business upon his spirits ; the marquess was very lean , the prince very fat , and their tempers very different ; the one being dry and choleric , the other plump and sanguine . prince maurice , being one day in a good humor , told my father , that elizabeth queen of england , by a weakness common to her sex , had so extraordinary a desire to be thought handsom , that when the states general had sent her a magnificent embassy , which consisted of the principal persons of their country , accompanied by a great many young gentlemen of the united provinces , a hollander who was in the ambassadors train at their first audience , having looked earnestly upon the queen , told an english gentleman , with whom he had been acquainted in holland , that he saw no reason why the queens beauty should be generally spoke of to so much disadvantage ; that he thought people much to blame for doing it , that to him she seemed very agreeable , and that if he durst , he would let her see what passions she was able to raise in a young gentleman ; with several other such like discourses , often looking upon the queen , and then applying himself to the englishman . the queen who took more exact notice of the private persons than the ambassadors , as soon as the audience was ended , sent for the englishman , and commanded him on pain of her displeasure to tell her , what his discourse was with the hollander , being certain that it was concerning her , as was evident by their mein and behavior . the gentleman made a great many excuses , saying it was not worth her majesties knowledge , at last the queen being very urgent , he was forced to declare the whole matter , and confess the extream passion which the hollander had testified for her royal person . the event of the affair was this , that the ambassadors were each of them presented with a chain of gold worth crowns , and every one of their retinue with one of crowns ; but the hollander who thought the queen so handsom , had a chain of crowns , which he wore about his neck as long as he lived . this queen , who had a thousand great qualities , had still the vanity of being thought handsom by all the world , and i have heard my father say upon this occasion , that being sent to her , in every audience that he had , she would pull her glove off a hundred times to show her hands , which were very white and handsom . but to return to the character of prince maurice , he was naturally good and just , and died with the reputation of an exemplary honesty ; to show that he deserved this character , i need only relate the following story . two of his domestics who were frenchmen , one called iohn de paris , who waited upon him in his chamber , the other one of his halberdeers , named iohn de la vigne , having assassinated a jeweller of amsterdam , who had stones of a great value , which he would have sold the prince ; he was so far from protecting them , ( as several persons of quality would have thought it concerned their honor to do ) that on the contrary , he himself prosecuted the actors of so inhumane a butchery , and made them both be broke alive upon the wheel . if this great and just character of prince maurice , might be any way in the least sullied in the opinion of some persons , it was occasioned by his contests with monsieur barnevelt , who had been one of the principal ministers , and confidents of prince william his father , and who after his death got the soveraign command both by sea and land , to be put into the hands of prince maurice ; for people being in a terrible confusion after that disaster , and several seeing themselves deprived of their principal support , being desirous to have recourse to the amnesty which king philip offered them , he said publicly that matters were not in so desperate a condition ; that they ought to take courage , they had indeed lost a real support by the death of the father , but that he had left a son , then studying at leyden , who was capable to fill his place , and gave very great testimonies of his inclination to vertue ; so by the perswasion and authority of this great man , prince maurice was no sooner come out of the colledg , but he was placed , as commander , at the head of armies ; upon this account the prince looked upon him as his benefactor , till time made him think , he had reason to alter his opinion , and use other measures towards him : whilst monsieur de barnevelt was for the continuance of the war , which the prince desired to uphold his authority , they kept a very fair correspondence ; as likewise in the year , when he met king henry iv. in brittain to diswade him from making the peace of vervins . but when barnevelt shew'd himself inclinable to a truce , after a war of years , which had so exhausted the state , that it was impossible , by reason of the prodigious number of debts , to have the war continue any longer ; it was then that this prince , who thought the truce would give a mortal blow to his glory and his interests , could no longer conceal his resentment , but fell openly at variance with monsieur de barnevelt , even in publick conferences , so far as to give him the lye , and one time to lift up his hand against him . prince maurice used all imaginable endeavours to perswade king henry iv. to break the design of the truce , as inconsistent with the welfare of france , since the spaniards , being no longer engaged against the united provinces , would without all doubt turn their whole forces against his kingdom : he spread several papers which accused those who were for the truce , of being traytors , and holding acorrespondence with the spaniards , but monsieur de barnevelt , made it be represented to the king by such ambassadors as had their dependance upon himself , what he had several times before told to mr. buzanval his ambassador , and monsieur the president iavin , who had been dispatched extraordinary envoy into holland ; that it was necessary for the united provinces , to use the king in the same method that sick and wounded persons do their physicians , or their chyrurgions ; that is , to discover plainly their wounds and infirmities , whereby his majesty may see , if it lay in his power to afford them such remedies , as would heal them ; that their state was charged with excessive debts , whose interest was to be paid to private persons , that had lent their money to the public , and had scarce any thing else remaining for their own subsistence ; and that except that interest was exactly paid , the greatest part of them must be left to starve . that the several imposts which were established to maintain the charges of the war , were not sufficient for its continuance , and that or hundred thousand crowns were over and above necessary , to pay the interest of their debts , and the troops which were then in their service ; but that if his majesty would supply them with what was necessary for their continuance of the war with spain , they would pursue it more vigorously now than ever . the king , whose treasure was exhausted , seeing that he would be obliged to furnish them every year with at least millions of livres , consented to the proposal of the truce , which was concluded by his authority , notwithstanding the perpetual opposition which prince maurice made to it by his creatures . so the truce being concluded , in the year , by monsieur barnevelt's perswasions , it is not to be admired , if the prince of orange bore no good will to him ; seeing france had followed the sentiments of that great man , and had so little consideration for hisinterests and councel : after this time , the prince sought occasions to revenge himself of barnevelt , but before he came to his final resolution , he endeavored to gain him over , by the means of the princess dowager of orange , his mother-in-law ; but this did not succeed , for monsieur barnevelt intimated to the princess , as if prince maurice had a design of possessing himself of the soveraignty of the country , and that it was upon this account he so manifestly pursued his ruine . the prince finding that barnevelt was not to be brought over , began to encourage such persons as were jealous of that power and authority which barnevelt had gained upon the states ; but the prince managed this affair with such discretion , that those , whose ruine perhaps he might design , should have least reason to distrust him , or provide for their own safety ; pursuant to this , he bestowed upon them all imaginable favors ; he gave to monsieur de grouneveld , monsieur barnevelt's eldest son , the office of master of the dykes , and forests in holland ; to stautembourg his youngest son , he gave the government of berghen ap zoom , which is one of the principal keys of the country . among others , he brought over francis aersens , son of cornelius aersens , secretary to the states , originally of brabant , who had been a long time resident , afterwards ambassador in france : this man was author of all the violent councels , and principal executor of the passion of the prince ; he was a man of ability , and very bold , who aspired to new things , that so he might become great ; eloquent to the public damage , and desirous to heap up riches by any means whatsoever . the prince likewise made use of several other persons , who were of an unquiet and ambitious temper , willing to fish in troubled waters , and to make their advantage of the disgrace such people were fallen into , as they before had reason to envy . but as it was not safe , so neither did it seem just , to fall upon monsieur barnevelt , and his dependants , till they had rendered themselves suspected , and odious to the people ; the difference which happened at this time upon the matters of religion , between the followers of gomarus , and arminius , gave an occasion for the peoples disgust against him : for this diversity of opinions had so divided the state , that there were great quarrels in the schools , and even fights and murders , upon their coming out of the churches ; what one minister had preached in the morning , after dinner was confuted in the same pulpit , by another minister of a contrary opinion ; so all the doctors and ministers having banish'd charity , which is the chief foundation of the christian religion ; instead of instructing people in true piety , and explaining the word of god , that breathes nothing but peace , and which is sufficiently intelligible to minds that are meek and well disposed , amus'd themselves only with handling such questions , as the vulgar never could comprehend ; and all full of animosity and revenge on either party : employed their whole wit and knowledge to make their adversary appear ridiculous , employing scurrility more than arguments against one another . these different sermons , in which the ministers mutually accused one another of ignorance and heresie , sowed divisions amongst the people , each following the opinion of his own minister , as being uncapable to judge for himself in questions so difficult , as those of free-will , grace , or predestination ; like as it happens at this time , when ladies of the greatest quality , follow some the opinion of the jesuits , and others that of the doctors of port royal ; besides this division encreased daily , and not only took deep root throughout the whole state , but an infinite number of printed books , swarmed in every place , and entertained mens minds with schism and bitterness . the gomarists , wedded to the opinion of calvin , maintained that god had sentenced by an eternal decree , what men were to be saved , and what were to be damned ; that this sentence drew the one into the path of piety and salvation , whilst it left the other buried in all that vice which is common to humane nature . the arminians said , on the contrary , that god who was a most righteous judge , and a most merciful father , made this distinction between sinners , that those who repented of their faults should obtain grace and life , whereas such as were disobedient and obstistinate in their crimes , should be punished for them ; that god desired all would come into the right way , and had given them good precepts for to follow , but that there was no necessity that might force either the one , or the other , it depending upon each mans will , either to damn himself , or to be saved . in the heat of the disputes , and in several writings , the arminians accused the gomarists of making god the cause of mens sins , and maintained that by a sort of destiny , they made souls immovable , being submitted to the irrevocable fatality of eternal life or damnation . the gomarists on the other side , blamed the arminians for blowing up mens minds with so great an arrogance , as to think they could possess the greatest of treasures , which is a soul well constituted , without being beholding to god alone for it , but to the merits of their own good works . these opinions were defended with so much heat and positiveness , that i have heard daniel tilenus ( a famous arminian , native of gaulsberg in silesia , who had been driven from sedan , by the ministers of a contrary opinion , and who died at paris in an extream old age ) often say , he had much rather embrace the opinion of mahomet than that of calvin ; alledging that the turks believed in god , whereas the calvinists did not , forasmuch as the principal attribute of god was to be infinitely good and merciful ; that the turks acknowledged a god of such a nature , but that the calvinists framed one that was cruel , pittiless , and that damned his own creatures with a set deliberation . upon the mention of tilenus i shall add , that he disputed against cardinal perron , and that the conference which they had together was printed ; and that tho he was a german , and upon the frontiers of poland , yet there was no person in france , who writ in our language with more elegancy and neatness , which i am certified of from my father , who received a thousand letters from him , and who was a competent judge in this matter , as being himself esteemed to have had one of the best pens of the age ; he lived in the same country of silesia , which has likewise produced monsieur de borstell , who had the same talent at writing , and was so much esteemed by madam des loges , and immortalized in the letters of monsieur balza●… . the states general being often assembled to remedy these disorders which daily happened in all their cities , by reason of these divisions upon the account of religion , it was the advise of monsieur barnevelt , that all ministers , and professors of divinity , should be prohibited to speak concerning grace , and predestination , either in the pulpit or the universities ; that all printers likewise should be forbid to publish any books upon this subject ; that both parties should live together in brotherly union , without scandalously dividing the church ; that this doctrine was so subtle , and so incomprehensible to the common people , that the whole country would be at rest and easie , as soon as nothing more should be spoke concerning it : that there remained a field large enough for the ministers to comfort and instruct their flocks , by exhorting them to the practice of gods commandments and christian vertues , by explaining to them the old and new testament , which leads mens minds to nothing more than peace and charity : in short , he added that the book of predestination was a book so difficult and obscure , that the greatest doctors could not see a letter in it , and that the very angels had much ado to comprehend it . this council was so wise and prudent that at the same time it was followed by the french king , who seeing his kingdom disturbed with the same questions , and threatned with a dangerous schism , by the disputes and frequent writings of the iesuits , and such as were called iansenists ; imposed a perpetual silence to all these writers . but prince maurice and his dependants opposed themselves to the sentiments of monsieur barnevelt and his party , as esteeming them to lye under a suspition of holding correspondence with the roman catholicks and the spaniards , and that by this means they would bring back popery into the united provinces , which was the only thing that could ruine that republick , and francis aersens being a bold man that could write and speak fluently , he was ordered to make use of his pen upon this occasion . there were several papers published at this time , among which , one was called praevia detectio , another dissertatio necessaria , a third hispanici concilii artes : and whereas monsieur barnevelts party had commended his wisdom and the pains he had taken for the good of his country , and the counsels he had given so much for its advantage ; so monsieur aersens by these writings accused him openly of being in league with the papists , and corrupted by the spaniards to ruine the true religion , and bring his country back again into slavery . monsieur barnevelt answered aersens , with a very large apology , wherein all his long services for the good of the state were represented to the sull ; but this gained no ground upon those who were affected to prince maurice , who had the power in his hands , and the soldiers all depending upon him , and then the common people could not but follow him , as having no reason to think he could have any design to their prejudice , who had so long exposed himself to a great many dangers in the defence of their liberties . monsieur de barnevelt seeing himself thus attacqued , complained to the states of holland , as his judges and natural lords , who took him into their protection by an authentic act ; but he having counselled those of utrecht to preserve their new garrison which they had levied for their particular safety , upon their own charges , affirming they might do it by the priviledge of their province ; the states of each country having reserved their rights by the union of utrecht : the prince of orange and his party imputed this action to him as a crime , and made it pass for an attempt against the good of the confederated commonwealth . the prince soon after went to utrecht , assisted by some deputies of the states general , disarmed the new levies , and changed the magistrates , as at leyden , haerlem , amsterdam , and other places ; afterwards he displaced several of the states of holland , and substituted others in their room ; a little while after by an extraordinary order of eight persons under the title of states general , prince maurice caused monsieur barnevelt to be arrested , he was put into the castle of the hague , in the same chamber where admiral mendoza of arragon had heretofore been prisoner ; at the same time monsieur hoguerbeis , a person of merit and known capacity was arrested likewise , with monsieur hugo grotius , pentionary of rotterdam , a man of great learning , and the sieur de leydenberg secretary to the states of utrecht . they were accused of several crimes against the state , amongst others , that they would have laid the whole country in blood , and betray'd it to the spaniards . the prince to secure himself from any hatred that might be drawn upon him in this conjuncture , declared that whatever he acted , was in the name of the states general , as principal conservators of the safety of the republic . the prisoners on the other side remonstrated , that though this was done under the name of the states general , yet that in effect it proceeded only from the power of the prince , who was armed , and followed by the greatest part of the common people ; that the change at present made in the common-wealth was so considerable , that it ought to astonish all those who were true lovers of the laws and liberties of their country . that as for the states general , they had no jurisdiction over the subjects of particular provinces , much less to arrest persons of their quality , who were deprived of their employments without any process , against all justice , and in opposition to the states of holland , who were their only lords and superiors ; that their true crimes were their opposition to the ambitious desires of prince maurice , their obedience to the states of holland , who were their masters , their counsel to some towns to preserve their priviledges , and to arm themselves for their own safeties ; and finally their refusal to give consent to the calling of a general synod , which they thought would cause more mischief than advantage to their country : that they were opprest by their enemies under the title of states general , who are the deputies of provinces , only for the affairs of peace and war , for the receiving proposals from foreign ambassadors , and reporting them to the particular states of each province ; the states general having no other lawful right of intermedling with the affairs of the provinces , each of which are soveraign states , and have time out of mind been masters of the life and fortune of their subjects ; that this was only a specious pretext , by which the neighboring princes , who did not know the true constitution of the provinces , might be hindered from defending them , and to put some sort of colour upon so great an injustice ; they alledged farther for themselves the ancient customs sworn to by the earls of holland , the dukes of burgundy , and charles the th , which for several ages had been inviolably observed , and for whose preservation their ancestors had taken arms ; that as for a general or national synod , they could not agree to it , because it would seem , as if the seven provinces were but one nation , contrary to the priviledge of particular provinces , which had always provided for matters of religion in their own bounds , which was so true , that when the states of the provinces , assembled at brussels , having instantly demanded of prince william of orange , that the roman catholic religion might be exercised in his governments , returned answer , that this depended only upon the states of holland and zealand . that they appealed from these judges as incompetent , and visibly suspected of being their enemies , to such judges as were natural and proper to their cause . at the same time prince maurice with the states general , called a national synod in the town of dort , and several divines of foreign countries were invited thither ; in this assembly the opinion of arminius was declared to be heretical , scandalous , and tending to the re establishment of popery in the united provinces , and in pursuance of this decree , utembaugarts , and all the other ministers and doctors suspected to be of that opinion , were dismissed from their cures , and banished the country , and forbid to return under pain of severe punishment . after this , monsieur barnevelt and the other prisoners , were tried before judges nominated by the states general ; these judges condemned monsieur barnevelt to death , upon the th of may . my father had several times interceeded for him in the name of the french king , and monsieur de boissise had been twice sent envoy extraordinary into holland , to exhort the states to consult their proper welfare , and treat their prisoners with moderation . pursuant to the sentence , he was executed in the court of the castle at the hague , being years old , where the scaffold was raised against his chamber window , opposite to the prince's apartment , who was said to have beheld this execution from his window by the help of a prospective ; upon which some people made their reflections . prince maurice and the states had less regard to the intercession of france , because the king of england was in their interest , as being perswaded that monsieur barnevelt was none of his friends , and that he had done him a sensible displeasure , by causing the english garrisons to retire from the town of flushing , the brill , and the castle of ramekius ; which the english held for a security of those sums which queen elizabeth had lent to the states general . monsieur barnevelt ( being the chief of a very splendid embassy ) made great instances to the king to recall his forces from their towns ; king iames promised him publickly and solemnly that he would do it , provided they paid the money due to him , thinking he had imposed an impossible condition upon them , considering how the provinces had been exhausted by their taxes ; but monsieur barnevelt having got the kings word , applyed himself with so much diligence to the collecting of the money , and by his credit the people bled so freely , that in a little time these vast sums were carried into england , which king iames , tho' very much surprized at , was obliged to receive , and consequently to recall his garrisons ; and the remembrance of it stuck so close , that he had always a great aversion for monsieur barnevelt . prince maurice had another reason to make him have less regard to the intercession of france , which was because he was not in the least afraid of their resentments ; lewis the th was then come out of his minority , and a new favorite was absolute master of affairs , who had more regard to the raising of himself and two brothers , than to meddle with the affairs of other countries , which appeared in the business of the elector palatine , king of bohemia ; for though by reasons of state he should have been maintained , to weaken the house of austria , which at that time was become formidable , and because this elector was one of our principal allies , who might always have so divided germany , as that one of the parties should have assisted us when we had occasion ; yet monsieur de luynes promised the marquess de mirabel , the spanish ambassador , then at paris , to ruin the affairs of the palatinate , upon condition that monsieur de cadenet his brother , should marry mademoiselle de pecquigny and chauln●…s ; one of the most noble , most beautiful , and richest heiresses of her time , who was educated at bruxels , in the family of the infanta isabella . upon these hopes , which were not ill grounded ( for the spaniards had given him their word ) monsieur de luynes sent a splendid embassy into germany , consisting of monsieurs d' angouleme , de bethune , and de chateau-neuf ; who deceived the protestant princes , that were armed for the defence of the palatinate ; for it was concluded by the treaty of ulme , where all the princes of both parties were assembled , to hearken to the propositions of france ; that both catholics and protestants should lay down their arms , and the quarrel be decided by the king of bohemia , and the emperor only . the protestant princes suffered themselves to be abused , and did perform the treaty honestly , so that the marquess of ansbatch , the general of their forces , had orders to disband them ; but the duke of bavaria , and the other catholic princes of the same parties , sent their troops by the danube to the emperor , who overthrew the prince palatine at the battel of prague . after this , monsieur de luynes , having thus sufficiently raised his family , began to consider what might be for the interest of the kingdom , and thereupon councelled the king to weaken the hugonots , who as he told his majesty , had the insolence to make a distinct state within themselves , and had hitherto been held invincible ; hereupon monsieur de luynes seized upon all their important places , except montauban , from saumur to the pyreneans , and after his death , in the year , pursuant to his maxims montpelier was taken , and at last ( some time after ) cardinal richelieu counselled the king to attack rochel , which he gained , and razed immediately ; and having in that destroyed the principal strength of the hugonot party , their entire ruin soon followed , upon the duke of rohans retreat to venice , who had a long time upheld them by his valor and industry . prince maurice was sufficiently informed of this condition of france , by the dukes of bovillon , and dela trimoille , who had married his sisters ; besides these , he had a great many friends in germany , where several of the soveraign princes were related to him , either by his own side , or his mothers , who was daughter to maurice duke of saxony . the elector palatine was his nephew likewise , and he afterwards was chose king of bohemia , which he accepted , as 't is said , upon the advice of prince maurice , and the persuasions of the princess his lady , though contrary to the counsels of king iames , his father in-law , who thought a young prince was not capable to manage an affair of such importance , and resist the power of the house of austria ; protesting that he would neither succor him with men nor money , except he quitted this design , which would infallibly become his ruin : but the duke of bovillon perswaded the elector palatine to the contrary , as having some power over the young prince , who was his nephew , and had been bred up with him at sedan ; and the duke discovered some ambition to have his nephew a king , when he wrote to some friends at paris , that whilst lewis was making knights at fountainbleau , he was making kings in germany . but this royalty did not continue above months , so that his enemies called him a king of snow , because the single battle of prague , in the beginning of the year , lost him all bohemia , silesia , lusatia , moravia , with the adjoyning provinces ; and the year following , the spanish forces marching from the low countries , deprived him of the palatinate itself , in which he was not re-established , but by adolphus's descent into germany ; charles duke of lorrain , who died many years after , one of the oldest captains of the age , signalized himself very much at the battle of pragne , where count harcourt was likewise , tho very young . but to return to prince maurice ; france being so apparently inclined to the interests of barnevelt's party , its ministers , which were then in holland , used to say , that prince maurice would have pretended to the soveraignty of the united provinces , but that such people , who in the beginning had been hottest against mr. barnevelt , and most devoted to the prince ; yet when they fathom'd his designs became averse to them , notwithstanding their former obligations ; besides the exile , death and imprisonment of persons who had been so considerable in the state , and had likewise a great many friends and dependants , wrought a mighty change in the peoples affections to the prince , which appeared very visibly ; for whereas before when he went through the towns of holland , every body came out of their houses praying for him with extraordinary acclamations ; now , as he was one day going through the market-place at gorcum , which was full of people , there was scarce a single man that pull'd his hat off to him : for the common people were so variable , that the very writings which heretofore had made mr. barnevelt become suspected by them , were now produced as so many motives for their pity and compassion towards him . to this they added , that the assistance which probably he might have hop'd for , from the elector palatine , was since the loss of the battle of prague , no longer to be expected ; and the emperor ferdinand the d , having by the happy success of his generals , count tilly , and wallestein , made himself absolute master of all germany , even to the baltick sea , where he established an admiralty at wismar , reduced all the princes , and imperial towns under his obedience ; prince maurice could no longer expect succors from germany , whatever friends he might heretofore have had there . but those who adhered to the interests of prince maurice , and the house of orange , acquitted him of a design so prejudicial to the good of the united provinces , by maintaining that it was a perfect artifice of his enemies , to make him become odious to the people of the low countries ; for said they , what probability was there , that prince maurice ever had it in his thoughts to become soveraign of his country , since after the extirpation of barnevelt and his party , he never made one step towards it , which he might have done , having then no farther obstacles . prince maurice did not long survive a great conspiracy , which the sieur de stautemburg , youngest son of mr. barnevelt , had laid against his life , which being happily discovered some hours before its execution , obliged him to punish a great number of the conspirators , throughout the pincipal towns of holland . the prince was never married , but had several natural children , the most considerable of them all was mousieur de beververt , a man very well made , and very brave , he was governor of bolduc , after whose death the prince of tarentum had that government , and was succeeded by collonel fitz patrick , a scotchman . prince maurice died in the spring of the year , when the marquess spinola besieged the town of breda . and as some pretended it was for grief that he did not succeed in the soveraignty ; so others said that it was , because he could not relieve that place , which was his own propriety , and had been surprized by him years before . frederick henry . prince of orange . portrait henry frederick of nassau prince of orange , and his posterity . this prince was born the th of february . he was of a good mein , and of a strong make , and his parts were as eminent , as his person was agreeable . he was a very great captain , and equall'd the glory of his brother maurice , who taught him the art of war , and lead him into the most dangerous adventures ; and amongst others , at the battle of newport , where though he was very young , he contributed much by his valor to the gaining that great victory in a conjuncture , where the army of the states general had before them a powerful body of men commanded by albert the arch-duke in person , and the sea behind them , so that it was absolutely necessary , either to make themselves conquerors or to perish . when prince maurice died , in the year , he advised his brother henry frederick his chief heir , to marry madam de solmes ( who was come into holland with the queen of bohemia ) whose beauty and good carriage were accompanied with a great deal of modesty and prudence ; she died a little while ago , being very antient , and her name was amelia , daughter to iohn albert count de solmes . this prince had one son , and four daughters , the eldest of these ladies married frederick william the elector of brandenburg , by whom she had several children . this prince has the greatest territories in all germany , they reaching from the low countries to poland and curland . the d daughter henrietta emilia , married the count de nassau . the d henrietta catherina , married iohn george prince of anhalt ; and the th married the duke of simeren , the youngest son of the house palatine , who died a little while ago . the son was called william , was born in , and died the th of november , after the business of amsterdam . he was a prince naturally ambitious , and of great courage , so that his enemies reported of him , that though he was so young , yet he aimed at the execution of that design , which had been laid to prince maurice's charge , by barnevelt and his adherents . his sudden death changed the whole face of affairs in the low countries . he had great prospects from his alliance of england , having married princess mary , daughter of charles the first king of great britain , by whom he left prince william henry of nassau ( now king of england , &c. ) who was born the th of november , some days after the death of his father . this young prince william was very remarkable in his infancy , for his reservedness and moderation ; his prudence increased as he grew up , and such people as were nice observers of merit , and took great notice of him , have affirmed , that never prince gave greater hopes than he , even in the most tender years . he suffered with an admirable temper the injuries of barnevelt's party , which revived itself in the persons of the two de-wits , who were brothers ; expecting with a silent patience , which was greater much than that of his ancestor , the great prince william , what time would produce , and what favorable occasions might occur , at last for his re-establishment ; for having by a solemn sentence been deprived of all the employments of his family , after the sudden death of the prince his father ; he was restored to them again , at the beginning of the last war , by an ordinance that was made on purpose for it . his rise and re-establishment were owing to france , which having made great conquests for almost years together ; the greatest part of the frontier towns , and several capital places of the provinces utrecht and zutphen among others , were rendered up at the very sight of their armies , though these places were provided with large garrisons , yet being composed of officers and men without any experience , the king of france became master of more than places , in less than two months . these misfortunes , which seemed to be the presages of greater , and had put the united provinces into the utmost consternation , gave occasion to the people to complain of the ill conduct of the two de wits , who governed till that time ; and furnished those who adhered to the house of nassau with a reasonable pretext to affirm , that the princes of orange were only able to uphold their tottering state , and defend them against their most potent enemies ; and that , as heretofore , they had protected them against the tyranny of spain , so it was they alone who could preserve them from the fury and violence of the french armies . the grand-mother of this young prince , who was a woman of a masculine courage , and suffered the indignities that had been offered to the house of orange with great impatience , having beheld it , in its greatest splendour , was not a little serviceable in stirring up all the creatures and dependants on the house of nassau , who were very numerous ; these people being angry to see themselves fallen from their credit , the principal employments being given to the sons of burgomasters ; and seconded by the fury of the people , that were grown out of all patience at so many disasters , and the sight of a victorious army , through the very bowels of the countrey , massacred the enemies of the young prince , who was afterwards restored to the possession of all the dignities that had belonged to his ancestors , which is to say , that of general of their forces , stadt-holder and admiral , which were moreover by a solemn decree made hereditary to his family . upon this occasion it cannot but be admired , how so powerful a state , that had made head for fourscore years against the crown of spain , had taken such large towns , and gained so many battels , and had become formidable at sea to all the princes of the world , having carried its arms and victory to the farthest part of the earth ; that this state , i say , which had rendred itself so famous by the long defence of ostend , which has equall'd the reputation of the famous sieges of tire , and the ancient troy , should be reduced in less than two months to the very brink of its ruine ; and it had assuredly been destroyed in the year , if by a desperate resolution it had not resolved to save itself by drowning part of the country ; as a pilot who throws all his cargo overboard , during a furious storm , that so he may preserve his men and vessel . but those who knew the constitution of these provinces , and were not ignorant that discord is the plague and certain destruction of the most flourishing states , were not so much amazed , considering it was more than threescore years since that country had been torn in pieces by two contrary factions , which threatned its subversion without any foreign forces : this gangreen likewise had so seized upon the most noble parts of the united provinces , that in the year , by a strange fatality and an unaccountable passion , the greatest part of the chief persons in that country , desired the loss of their land army , and the defeat of the prince of orange , whose rise and power they so much envied : for this reason they had not sufficiently provided his army with necessary provisions , whilst they applied their principal cares to increase the fleet , to resist the kings of england and france , who attacked them jointly with a navy of above fourscore men of war. but it is not less surprizing to consider the expedition the french made in this campaign , when as these people for fear of becoming subject to the house of orange , allied to these great monarchs , had committed a considerable fault in their politicks : for after the peace of munster , imagining themselves to be in perfect security , and that they had nothing more to be afraid of , and being acknowledged soveraigns by spain , they might rather give laws than receive them from any body . they disbanded the greatest part of their old forces , that were strangers , and those experienced officers who had gained so great glory to their country , imagining that the surest means of freeing themselves from the slavery which they thought themselves threatened with , was to take from the prince of orange the support of his government , by reforming those troops which looked upon him as their master , having taken an oath to him , and were devoted perfectly to his service . besides the principal men in the country had , as they thought , some interest in this change , for they gave all the commands in the army , and the government of places to their own relations , thinking by the assistance of this souldiery to sortifie themselves , and at the same time to weaken the house of orange ; but they found by sad experience , that endeavoring to avoid one inconvenience , they fell quickly into a greater . for having given the great employments in the army , and government of places to sons of burgomasters , and deputies of towns ; people without any experience , and who wanted tutors for themselves , rather than to be commanders ; when a strong and powerful enemy made war against them , these young men show'd none of their northern courage in this storm and danger , for there were places that were garrisoned with foot and horse , that rendred themselves all prisoners of war , at the very sight of the french army , without making any resistance . my brother de la villaumaine , who came into france a little before this last war , giving me an account of the state of the army in holland , told me that if a powerful enemy should attack them , the officers must resolve to perish and bear the brunt in their own persons ; having no confidence in the souldiers they commanded , who did not know how to manage their arms ; a prophecy which was since accomplished at the expence of his life ; a little before he told me likewise , that the dutch horse were so ill equipped , that reyters of munster would put to flight two or three hundred dutch troopers , who would fly before these germans as sheep before a wolf. there happened the like inconvenience to the swedes , for having committed the same fault as the hollanders , because after the peace of munster , they likewise disbanded the old troops which had done such great actions , and revived the antient glory of the goths , who had conquered a great part of europe , being so bold as to attack the elector of brandenburg and his old souldiers , with their new levies , that never durst maintain their ground against him , and were always beaten when he could joyn them ; so that if by an extraordinary good fortune they had not had so faithful , and so mighty a protector as the french king , they had quite lost pomerania , and been sent back to their own cold countries beyond the baltick sea : all which shows us that a prince ought always to keep a large body of old troops to defend his state , which without such a support runs the hazard of becoming a prey to the first enemy that shall be bold , and strong enough to attack it . to these two causes of the extremities to which holland was reduced in , that is to say , to the intestine divisions , and to the disbanding of the old foreign souldiers ; there may a third be likewise added , which was the extraordinary and unheard of drowth that happen'd that year ; for it was so great , that the rhine , one of the greatest rivers in europe , that carries men of war , was so low , that the french troops were able to ford it ; so the country being frightned to see itself attacked both by sea and land , by the powers of france and england united to its ruine , was reduced to the utmost despair , seeing heaven conspire to their destruction , by taking away those ramparts which nature had designed for its preservation . the french army for the reasons before mentioned , had penetrated into the very heart of the country , and places were taken in a small space of time , whereas the state thought they might have found work for years , these people that were a little too haughty in their prosperity , lay then under a terrible consternation ; almost in the same condition as the venetians were heretofore , when king lewis the th made himself master of the greatest part of the territories which they had upon the continent . being in this despair , they were constrained to the last remedy , which was to overflow their country , and breaking down their dykes to oppose a sea to the french forces , so hindring them from passing further , they averted the ruine of the commonwealth , which else had assuredly run its period . heretofore seeing themselves reduced to a like extremity , they made use of the same remedy against the spanish army at the siege of leyden , having succoured the place then at the very point of being lost , with an innumerable company of boats , which swum upon the land , which they had overflow'd ; and then the united provinces were reduced to so strange circumstances , and to such a height of despair , that the principal persons amongst them proposed , in imitation of the ancient switzers , to burn all their towns , villages and castles , and to spoyl the country as much as they could , and go on board their ships to settle themselves in the indies , so to be delivered from the spanish tyranny ; but they had not vessels enough to transport a fourth part of the people , and were unwilling to leave the greater number to the mercy of so pityless an enemy : and for a motto of the lamentable condition which this country was then reduced to , they engraved upon the money which they coyned at that time , a vessel without masts and sayls , tost by the waves and storm , with these words , incertum quó fata ferant : words which represented the extremity of their condition . but to return to the prince of orange ; he appeared at the head of an army at years old ; as his great grandfather prince william , who was generalissimo to the emperour charles the v. at the same age ; and throughout the course of this great war , he show'd so much courage and conduct , both in sieges and battels , that he had assuredly pass'd the actions of his illustrious ancestors , who for years serv'd for a model to the greatest generals , if he had not had the misfortune to be born in the age of a king , whose genius and power no common forces could stand against . i do not design to make an exact journal of the actions of his illustrious father prince henry frederick , since they may be learnt from other . histories , but speak of them in general , and relate some certain passages not commonly known . in the year he took oldensell , capital of the country of tui●…z , in the neighbourhood of friezeland and groninghen : and the same year peter hein , one of his vice-admirals , in the bay of todos los ▪ santos , in the road of st. salvador , took a spanish fleet laden with sugar . in the year he took grolle , before the face of count henry de bergues , general of a powerful spanish army , that could put no succours into it , nor make the prince raise his siege , he being so well entrenched against the enemies army . at the end of the year the same peter hein mentioned before , took the spanish silver fleet near the isle of cuba . this prize , without reckoning the galeons and vessels , was esteemed at more than twenty millions ; there were , besides other riches , marks of silver , and marks of gold , abundance of pearls , cochinele , jewels , bezoar , musk , ambergreese , chests of sugar , and an infinite number of stuffs , and other merchandizes of great value . this vice-admiral peter hein arrived gloriously in holland in the beginning of the year , which was remarkable by the conquest of the strong town of bolduc , where by a siege that was very long and difficult , prince henry frederick show'd by his conduct and valour that he could overcome that which had resisted his brother maurice , who had heretofore attacqued that important place without success . but what was more marvellous was , that whilst prince henry frederick lay before the place , count henry de bergues having pass'd the river isell with a great army , ravaged all the country of utrecht , where he seized upon amersfort , and put holland into such a consternation that several people counselled the prince to quit his enterprize upon bolduc , and succor the heart of his country which was made desolate by the enemy ; but he had the constancy to persevere , till he had made himself master of so considerable a town , without being moved by the councels of his chief officers , or the lamentations of the people that had been plundered . at the same time the prince by the vigilance and resolution of otho de guent lord of dieden , governour of emeric , having happily surprized the town of wesel , where was the magazine and artillery of the spanish army ( which obliged count henry de bergues to repass the issel in all the haste imaginable ) he gained by this double conquest the reputation not only of a very brave , but likewise of a very fortunate captain ; a quality so desirable to a general , that scilla the dictator preferred the surname of happy to that of great . in the year he seized upon the town of olind in brazil , by the conduct of his vice-admirals ; and the same year count iohn de nassau , his cousin , who for some discontent had gone out of the dutch service to that of spain , was defeated near the rhine , and taken by collonel illestein , who was not half so strong ; he was carried prisoner to wesel , from whence he was ransomed for rix dollers . the year following the same count iohn de nassau , who had gathered together a very strong fleet in hopes to surprize willemstat , he was totally defeated by the hollanders , above of his men taken prisoners , and the rest either slain or wounded , and the count had much ado to save himself with the prince of brabanzoon . in the same year , the states general , to gratify the prince of orange , and to testify their acknowledgment for the services which he had continually done his country , gave the reversion of all his offices to his son prince william , and the writings for it were presented to the young prince in a box of gold. in the year , prince henry after having taken ruremond , venlo and strale , he set about the conquest of maestricht , a place somewhat distant from holland , scituated upon the river meuse , in the confines of brabant , where he provided his ammunition and victuals for the siege with so much prudence , that he had enough to make himself master of the place ; he had surrounded it with a great circumvallation , which the spanish army could not force , no more than another german army , under henry godfry , count of papenheim , a famous captain ; both which were constrained to retire with disgrace , after several efforts that were unsuccessful , and many considerable losses . in the year the prince besieged and took rhineberg , and the year following the spaniards having besieged the fort of phillipin , which incommoded the town of ghent , the prince of orange made them raise the siege . a little before count henry de bergue , complaining that he was ill used by the spaniards , had quitted their service and retired into holland , upon which he published a manifesto ; and two years after , in the year , he was condemned as contumacious , to have his head cut off , by the sentence of the court of mechlin . in this place i must tell you how in the year , after the taking of rochel , the cardinal richelieu , who was absolute governour in france , was mighty desirous to gain the reputation of having destroyed all the retreats of heresie , having an unmeasurable desire of making himself be canoniz'd ; and to arrive at it the more easily he made his confessors say , that he had never committed so much as a venial sin , as i have often heard from mr. lescot de s. quintin , his confessor , whom he made bishop of chartes : as crafty a man as ever came out of picardy , who under the pretence of freedom and apparent simplicity , conceal'd a great deal of subtilty and artifice . the cardinal to gain a reputation among the zealots for the catholic religion , had treated underhand with iohn osmael lord of walkembourg , governour of orange , who seemed discontented with his master , to deliver up the place to him . this man bred up by the family of orange , and intrusted by prince henry with the charge of his soveraignty , was gained by the promise of four hundred thousand livres in ready money , and an estate of twenty thousand livres a year in provence , whither he designed to retire and renounce calvinism , having no other religion besides his interest . but this affair being long in hand , and walkembourg resolving not to render the place till the money was paid down , the prince was so happy as to get some intimation of this treason : he dispatched the sieur knuth , a zealander , a man of resolution , in whom he had an entire confidence , with an express order to dispatch this traytor ; but that he might not cause the least suspicion , he sent him to orange alone , as pretending other business . this knuth with whom i was acquainted , and who was a very bold and dexterous person , having made sure of the principal inhabitants of the town , and of several gentlemen in the principality of orange , watched his opportunity to surprize the governour ; who being one day come down from the castle into the town , with very little company , contrary to his usual custom , he attack'd and killed him in the house of one pyse a scrivener , whether he was retired . afterwards knuth went directly to the castle , where the lieutenant after having levelled the cannon against the town , and being doubtful for some time what he should do , at last received him upon sight of the prince's order , and took a new oath of fidelity to prince . henry frederick of nassau , together with all the garrison ; the prince afterwards sent the baron de dona his brother-in-law to command in the place . this walkembourg had married the daughter of the sieur de bic , treasurer to the states , a lady of great probity and merit , who had used all possible endeavours to alter his pernicious designs . she had the trouble as well as his daughters to see him expire , for he was forced to render himself to knuth , after having been wounded through a chamber-door , where he had for a long time defended himself . i have heard my father relate this story with great indignation , he being a professed enemy to all ingratitude and unfaithfulness : and to shew me and my brothers the horrors of those crimes , he related to us upon this occasion , the treason of bernardine de corte , who delivered up the castle of millan to king lewis the th , for a hundred thousand crowns , that had been intrusted to him by duke lodowick sforza his master , by whom he had been bred in the quality of a page , and was at present preferred before all his other subjects to the command of that place , where he had put all that he thought most precious , whilst he was going to seek for succour in germany . he recounted likewise to us such another treason of donat rafagnine , who sold valencia to the same king for fifty thousand crowns ; and remarked to us from guicciardine that these traytors were so look'd on , and detested in the french army , and that shame made them die with discontent . this mr. knuth rendred an important piece of service to his master , who rewarded him with a present , and a pension of two thousand livers a year for his life . no body can imagine but that the prince of orange must bear some ill will to cardinal richelieu , for having endeavoured to take away this soveraignty , which was as dear to him as his eyes ; but he concealed his resentment , as expecting some favourable opportunity of shewing it , which it was not long before it was offered him : for some time after the cardinal having some difference with mary de medicis , the queen mother , who being of the house of austria by the mothers side , was upheld by all the power of spain and germany , he was forced to have recourse to foreign alliances , and to caress those whom he had before despised and offended . this storm which was raising against the cardinal for his destruction as well within as without the kingdom , obliged him to seek the friendship of the prince of orange , who tho he had not the title of soveraign , disposed of all things belonging to the united provinces . there was a treaty concluded between france and the states general , by which they were to attack the spaniards , and to divide the conquest of the low countries , which they had already devoured in their imaginations ; the prince of orange was to enter holland with the dutch army , and france was to joyn him with thirty thousand men , and the french generals had orders from the king to obey the prince of orange ; so much it seems at that time they thought him necessary to their affairs . in short , the spring following the year , the french army under the command of the marshals chatillon and breze enter'd the low countries , and defeated the spanish forces at avein commanded by prince thomas of savoy , who afterwards took the name of prince of carignon ; all the baggage and cannon remained in the possession of the french , with abundance of prisoners , several of which that were of the best quality were carried to maestricht : these generals after this victory joined the prince of orange , and sacked part of brabant , but the prince who did not love the neighbourhood of the french better than that of the spaniard , and had still the remembrance of the affair at orange very fresh in his mind , for want of victuals and subsistence ruin'd the french army that had been so victorious : which being retired into holland after raising the siege of lovain , under pretence of the approach of picolomini with a german army , the greater part of it perished there with hunger and sickness ; the sixth part of it never returning back again into their own kingdom . the prince of orange looked upon cardinal richelieu as an enemy , that was reconcil'd to him only out of the necessity that he had for him in his present circumstances , and for this reason he under-hand did him all the displeasure , and gave him all the mortification that he could possibly ; granting a favourable reception to such as had been disgrac'd by him in france ; honouring them with his confidence and considerable imployments ; as amongst others it appeared by mr. hauterive and mr. beringhen , whom he respected not only in spight of the cardinal , but because they deserved it ; and cardinal richelieu as powerful as he was , was forced to swallow those pills , having necessary occasion for holland to make some diversions , which conduced to the good of his other affairs ; this made the cardinal know , that it was not good to offend people of courage , and being a very great politician , he could dissemble so far as not to be angry at this ill treatment ; so he continued to seek the prince of orange's friendship , and it was agreed that each should attack the common enemy from his own side ; he maintained a faithful and perfect correspondence with the french ; and the prince who was sufficiently revenged , and drew great advantages from his alliance with france , executed the treaties he had made with great sincerity . the same year in which happened the battle of avein , and the siege of louvain , the spaniards surprized the fort of skink , by means of lieutenant collonel enhold , who made himself master of it by a party of the garrison of guelders , whom he made use of to execute so bold an enterprize . the sieur veld the governour being waked with the noise of the attack , and rising in his shirt , had his arm immediately broken , and being in despair to see himself surprized , would not render himself prisoner , whatever offers of quarter they could make him , still defending himself till he was overwhelm'd with blows . the father of this enhold had been beheaded at the hague for some crime , and the son to revenge the death of his father , quitted the dutch service , and put himself under the spaniard ; which happened very luckily for him , for by the surprize of so important a place , beside the inward satisfaction which he had , to cause so great a loss to the states , the cardinal infant ferdinand of austria being newly arrived in the low countries , where he had the soveraign command presented him , for so bold and happy an action , with a chain of gold of great value , and gave him the summ of fifty thousand livres . but prince henry was so set upon the regaining of this place , that he gave the spaniards free entrance into the countries of guelders and utrecht ; having besieged it in the month of august , he re-took it in april , by a siege of six months . in the year , cardinal richelieu , to oblige the prince of orange , gave him the title of highness , in a discourse made on purpose by monsieur de charnasse , ambassadour of france to holland , in the name of his majesty ; and at an assembly of the states general , which was soon after printed : in which he was followed by the ambassadors of all other princes , who before had used no other title but that of excellence . in the same year , prince henry , by a siege of four months , re-took the town and castle of breda , which the marquis ambrose spinola had conquered in the year , by a long blockade of a whole year , with incredible expences ; although this place was defended by france , england and denmark ; so the marquis put over one of the gates of the town , that he had carry'd it , tribus regibus frustra renitentibus , notwithstanding the resistance of three kings . it was at this last siege of breda that monsieur de charnasse was killed ; for though he was ambassadour of france , yet he would serve at the head of his regiment , which he had in the low countries ; hoping to become a mareschal of france , by the favour of the mareschal de breze , whose aunt he had married , and who had gained him his employments . in the year the hollanders gained a considerable victory at sea over the spaniards , the fleet of don antonio doquendo , consisting of men of war , that had been equipping so long in spain ; joyned to some vessels from dunkirk , who were considerable in that time , came for some great design , ( which none yet have ever penetrated ) were stopped in st. george's channel by the renowned admiral martin erpez tromp , with only-twelve ships ; but being afterwards reinforced with ninety men of war , and several fire-ships ; that came from diverse places , he encompassed the spanish fleet , ( that had put itself into the downes , near the fleet of the king of great britain , as thinking itself to be there in safety ) ; and then attacqued it with so great resolution , that after a long combat , where abundance of persons of france , england , and the low countries , ran from all parts to see from the shore so extraordinary a spectacle : the greatest part of so powerful a fleet was burnt , destroyed , or separated ; and those which escaped put themselves under the covert of some english vessels ; and so retreated into the river of thames , or some port in flanders . the spaniards lost above men , that were burnt , or drowned , besides who were made prisoners by the hollanders . this victory was very great and memorable , for there were large vessels sunk , burnt , or taken ; and amongst others the great galeon of portugal , called mater tereza was burnt , which was foot broad , and had men on board , who all perished . this tromp was the father of count tromp , who was engaged in the king of denmark's service , and gained great advantages over the swedes . in the year , prince henry frederick married his only son prince william , to the princess mary of england , eldest daughter to charles i. king of great britain , and madam henrietta of france ; and this marriage was celebrated with a great deal of pomp and magnificence . the year was remarkable for the taking of the important town of hulsh in flanders , which was carried in spite of the spaniards , who could neither put succors into it , nor make prince henry raise the siege . this prince during the space of two and twenty years that he had the government in his hands , was remarkable for his wife and moderate conduct . because the princess louise de coligny his mother , had maintained barnevelt's party , some people thought that the prince following his mothers inclinations , would re-establish that party , and recall such of them as had been banished , and among others mr grotius : but this prince , like a good politician , thought it better to let things continue in the posture he found them in , than to embroil'em afresh , by bringing a prevailing party upon his back : i have seen mr. grotius in a great passion upon this occasion , and he has spoke very ill of the prince , accusing him of ingratitude , and of having no respect for those who had been friends to his mother . prince henry was very rich ; but instead of finding any support from england , he was forc'd to help king charles in his necessity , with all his ready money : the greatest part of which has been repaid by the king of england , since his restauration , to his nephew the prince of orange . henry frederick died the th of march , and was buried with a great deal of state. besides his children that we have mentioned before , he left a natural son , remarkable for his valor , his name was mr. zulestein , collonel of the dutch infantry , who died at the attack of vorden . prince william of orange , laid the foundation of the commonwealth of the united provinces , and was their first founder ; his eldest son maurice secured and established this commonwealth by his victories , which forced the spaniards in the treaty of truce for years to acknowledge the united provinces for a free state ; and henry frederick brother to maurice , and grandfather to the present king of england , by the continuation of his conquests , at last forced the spaniards to renounce entirely the right which they had pretended to that country ; so that we may say with reason and justice , that this illustrious father , and his two generous sons , who have imitated his vertues , are the founders of this commonwealth , which sends ambassadors that are covered before the most powerful kings in christendom , even before the king of spain himself , whose vassals they were about years ago . henry frederick had for his devise this word , patriaeque patrique intimating thereby , that he thought of nothing but serving his country , and revenging the death of his father . william ii ; prince of orange . portrait the life of william ii. prince of orange . this prince was born in the year , the states general were his godfathers , and by the appointment of his father was called william , after the name of his illustrious grandfather . in the year this young prince was declared general of the cavalry of the low countries , and the year following the states granted him the survivorship of the government of their province . he was no sooner of age to bear arms , but he followed his father to the army , and was present at the siege of breda , giving great proofs of his courage , though but years old . immediately upon the death of his father frederick henry , he took the oath of fidelity to the states , for the government , of which they had granted him the reversion . all europe was in a profound peace upon conclusion of the treaty at munster , which was done the next year after prince henry's death . the states considering the vast debts they had contracted by the extraordinary expences they had been obliged to make , resolved to retrench all unnecessary ones ; having a great number of troops in their pay that were of no use now the war was at an end , they proposed to disband a considerable part of them . william the second , who had succeeded in all the places of the prince his father , and knowing very well that nothing but the army could support the credit of the places he was possessed of , made a strong opposition to this design of the states general : he represented that it was against all the rules of policy to disband troops who had been so faithful to the provinces , and that france or spain might make use of this opportunity to fall upon their common-wealth , in a time when they could not be in a condition to defend themselves . the states , who were already resolved to break companies ; to make some sort of satisfaction to the prince , offered to continue the ordinary pay to the disbanded officers : the prince agreed to this proposal ; but the province of guelders and the city of amsterdam opposed and protested against it for several reasons . they who were in the prince's interests , advised him to visit the principal cities of the netherlands , to perswade the magistrates to take a resolution of leaving not only the officers , but the troops in the same condition they were in before the war , that they might be in a readiness to serve where-ever there was occasion . pursuant to this advice , the prince having sent for the principal collonels of the army , went in person to four or fivecities of holland ; the burghers of amsterdam , who were well assured that the prince would visit them too , and apprehending his presence would cross the resolutions they had taken ; desired him by their deputies to put off his intended journey to this city , for several reasons which they gave him : haerlem , medemblic , and several other places followed the example of amsterdam . the proceedings of these cities was so considerable an affliction to the prince , and incensed him so much , that in a meeting of the states general , he resented it with inexpressible concern : he endeavoured to insinuate to them by a great number of reasons , that the affront they had put upon him , in refusing to give him audience , was designed only to lessen his authority ; that nothing but a publick satisfaction would make him amends for this affront ; which he demanded earnestly of the states . the deputies of amsterdam , and other cities , answered this remonstrance by a long manifesto , wherein they alledged the reasons that induced them to make the prince that request ; this touched him to the quick , and made him continue more obstinate against disbanding the souldiers ; and transported him so much , that he arrested six of the principal magistrates , and sent them prisoners immediately after into the castle of lovestein . this violent proceeding of the prince alarm'd all holland . the people were generally apprehensive that he aspired to the soveraignty of the united provinces , and that he opposed the disbanding the troops for no other reason . all europe said something , and tho probably the prince had no such design , the attempt that he made upon amsterdam , confirmed the suspicions all men had entertained of him , that he was too arrogant to obey the orders of a popular government : but those who judge impartially of this action , are of opinion , that he never aim'd at making himself king , and that he had no other prospect in besieging amsterdam , but to revenge some private affronts , and support his authority and credit by humbling such a powerful city . whatever his reasons were , he resolved to besiege it , and actually perform'd it on the th of iuly , ; he narrowly miss'd of surprizing it , for the citizens had not the least apprehension of such a design . the troops appointed for this enterprize put their orders so punctually in execution , and met so exactly at their rendezvous , that the city must unavoidably have fallen into the prince's hands , but for the hamburgh courier who passed through the prince's army without being perceived , and gave timely notice of it to the magistrates . the city immediately took the alarm , the council of thirty six met , the burghers run to their arms , the bridges were drawn up , the cannon mounted upon the ramparts , and the city put in a posture of defence ; deputies were dispatched to the prince with proposals which took up all the next day , which was done to gain time for the opening of their sluces . the prince seeing all the country under water , and the impossibility of continuing a long siege , and the firm resolution of the burghers , hearkened to a treaty of accommodation , which was concluded three days after ; very much to his advantage . the prince was sensible the states would resent this attempt , and the better to make his peace with them , he released the prisoners out of the castle of lovestein , upon condition that they should be for ever unqualified for any public employments or places , and at the same time presented a memorial to the states with a particular account of the motives he had to form this siege . the states sent it back without opening it , assuring him that there needed no justification , since the difference had been so soon adjusted . about a month after the prince assisted at a particular assembly in the dutchy of guelders , where by his prudence and good conduct he entirely quieted all the jealousies they had entertained of him . he returned to the hague about the beginning of november , and went to bed very weary with his journey . he had been observed to be melancholy ever since the miscarriage of his design upon amsterdam , for which reason the court was not alarm'd with this little indisposition . he was let blood the next day , and the day after the small pox appeared , and proved so violent , that the physicians believed him in danger ; he died the th day , in the twenty fourth year of his age , on the th of november , . there wanted but three things to make his memory immortal , viz. the continuation of the war , which he passionately desired , a longer life , and a little more deference to the state , whom he treated with too much authority ; for he was master of a great many good qualities , and eminently possessed the advantages of body and mind . he was a great general , and would have been as renowned for all civil and military vertues , as the heroes of his family . he had a vast comprehensive genius , and learned in his youth the mathematics , and spoke english , french , italian , spanish , and high dutch , as readily and fluently as his mother tongue . he was buried at delf in the magnificent tomb of the princes of orange in great state . he married mary stuart , eldest daughter to charles i. king of great britain . an illustrious birth , interest of state , and glory , are the three ordinary motives which sway princes in the choice of their alliances , and all three concur in the making this match ; for the glory of the immortal actions of his father frederick were spread over all europe . william his son had given a thousand proofs that he did not degenerate from the valour and vertue of his ancestors ? and the family of nassau , had given five electors to cologne and ments , and an emperor to germany . the proposals were no sooner made , but they were accepted , and the marriage was celebrated at london with great magnificence . from this marriage was born william iii. whose history we are now entring upon . william iii. king of england . prince of orange etc. portrait the history of william iii. prince of orange , and king of great britain . out of the french by mr. brown. the sudden and unexpected death of william ii. ( who died in the th year of his age ) threw the court and friends of the house of nassau into such a consternation as is not easie to be exprest . but to moderate their grief , the princess royal within eight days after was delivered of william henry , a prince in whom the valour and all the other qualities of his glorious ancestors revived ; and who may justly be stiled the restorer of that flourishing republick , whereof his fathers were the architects and founders . * he was born on the fourteenth of november , , and had for his godfathers , the states of holland and of zealand , the cities of delf , leiden , and amsterdam . as it was his misfortune to be born at a calamitous conjuncture , when his enemies were furnished with a plausible pretence to deprive him of those dignities which his ancestors had enjoy'd ; the states general finding themselves now at liberty , by the death of william ii. and concluding from the enterprize of amsterdam what they might expect from a single governour , resolved to remedy all inconveniences that might for the future happen upon this occasion , and so appointed a general assembly to meet at the hague . this assembly began on the eighteenth of ianuary , and did not end till the month of august the same year . in the first session it was resolved , that since the country was now without a governour , by the death of the prince , the choice of all officers and magistrates for the time to come should be in the disposal of the cities ; and that not only the ordinary souldiers , but even the guards of the deceased prince should take an oath of fidelity to the states of holland . this was unanimously carry'd , notwithstanding all the representations made by the princess his mother , who ineffectually labored to preserve him in those offices which her husband possessed , and before him the other princes of orange : the royal family of great britain , from whom principally she could expect any assistance , being at that time under an eclipse through the wicked machinations of those execrable parricides , who after they had barbarously murder'd their lawful soveraing king charles i. of blessed memory , by a train of hypocrisy and other villanies peculiar to their party . shared the soveraignty between themselves . our prince , who like hercules was to encounter snakes in his cradle , suffer'd a great deal from the intreagues and contrivances of barnevelt's party , now re-established in the persons of the messieurs de witt. but he bore all with incredible moderation , still waiting for a favorable opportunity to be restor'd to those dignities and great employments he had been deprived of by a publick decree , obtained by a predominant faction , immediately after the death of his father . it must be confessed that france in some measure contributed to his re-establishment , altho without the least design to favour the prince . heaven so ordering it that that mighty monarch should ravage and almost destroy this flourishing republic , to convince the world at the same time that only the family of the founders of this republic was capable to repair its ruines , and restore it to its former grandeur . the reader can scarce imagine with what a prodigions torrent the king of france over-ran and surprized all the united provinces , obliging the greatest part of the frontier towns and other capital cities to surrender themselves . amongst the rest , utrecht and zutphen open'd their gates at the first approach of the enemy ; for altho there were large garrisons in both those places , yet being composed of burghers , and commanded by officers of little or no experience , they were frighted at the sight of a well disciplin'd , couragious army , that knew how to make the best advantage of the victory , and the fright they had put their enemies in . these calamities , which had been foreseen long before by some of the most prudent persons of these provinces , as they occasioned a general consternation , so they gave the people subject to complain of the ill conduct of the mrs de wit , who at that time had all the authority of the government in their hands ; and by this means furnished the friends of the house of nassau with a favourable opportunity to speak their thoughts upon what passed at that time : which they did by way of advice to the people , giving them to understand that the princes of orange were probably the only persons that were able to support their tottering state , and to defend them against their most puissant enemies : adding that as these illustrious princes had formerly deliver'd them from the tyranny of the spaniards , so they alone could stop the fury and career of the french. the princess dowager , grand mother to his highness , a lady of incomparable prudence and of a courage above her sex , did not contribute a little by her address to awaken those persons that were in her interests , and who were not inconsiderable for their number : these at last not being able to see themselves any longer despised , or that all the great offices of state shou'd be thrown away upon persons that were not worthy of them ; and at the same time making use of the fury of the people , who justly alarm'd to see a victorious army in the bowels of their country , spoke of nothing but sacrificing the de witts , managed their affairs so dexterousl●… that they attained their designs : for after the prince had made a journey towards the beginning of the year to visit the fortifications of some places , the states of holland and west-frizeland being assembled , it was unanimously agreed , that he should be chose general of their army , which was notified next day to the states general ; and on the th of february the prince having accepted their offer , took the oaths before them with the accustomed ceremonies . it is very remarkable that the peasants of west-frizeland , who make excellent souldiers , wou'd not take up arms but with this condition , that they should swear to be true to the republic , and to obey the states and his highness the prince of orange . the immoderate ambition of some persons had formerly occasion'd two fatal factions , who to fortify their own particular interests weakned the nerves of the public security : which made those who had the greatest credit with the people commit the greatest solecism's in matter of policy that any party can be guilty of . for these short-sighted statesmen imagining that after the peace of munster , there was nothing left them to fear , and that no body cou'd hurt them in their pretensions , but the too great power of the house of nassau , by reason of its alliances with france , and particularly with england , they casheer'd their troops composed of old soldiers , and experienced captains , who had preserved the country , but were looked upon to be intirely devoted to the prince of orange ; and at the same time gave the greatest posts in their army and in their garrisons to the sons of burgher masters and deputies of cities , people who however brave they might be in their own persons , were for the most part of little or no experience , as having never seen a battle , and this was the reason that when they came to be surprized by a vigorous enemy , whole cities , altho they had in garrison five thousand foot , and eight hundred horse , surrendred at discretion , without discharging one gun , at the first sight and appearance of the enemy . thus faction and interest , that are commonly the destruction of the most flourishing kingdoms , having reduced the states general to the brink of despair , they were constrained to have recourse to their last asylum , the prince of orange , in order to avoid their approaching ruine ; and to place the little hope that was remaining , in the hands of one person . whom the prevailing party had formerly rejected with a great deal of ingratitude , and who indeed did not deserve such a hard destiny : for , in fine , children ought not to be responsible for the actions of their fathers , when they have by no means justified them . the prince had no sooner accepted the high charge of general of the armies , which was presented to him from the part of the states by monsieur de beverning , iohn de wit , and gaspar fagel , but he immediately repaired to the army , which was then posted near nieu rop ; where all he cou●…d do against the united forces of the french , commanded by the king in person , was to keep his post . and this he performed with so much conduct , that the enemy , as powerful as he was , cou'd have no advantage over him on that side . on the other hand , thinking to force the prince out of his retrenchments , they were forced to retire with loss , and to abandon their works . all this while the frontier towns and garrisons in the province of holland sell every day into the hands of the enemy , which made the people complain openly , and distrust the fidelity of those that governed . the inhabitants of dort were the first that rose ; and sent one of their captains to the magistrates , to know whether they were resolved to defend the city , or to sit still . the magistrates answered that they were ready to resist the efforts of those that should attaque them , and to do all that could be expected from them ; the people demanded at the same time to see the magazines . but the keys being missing , this put the mobb into so great a serment , that there were a thousand voices crying out at the same time , that there was treachery in the case ; that they would have the prince of orange to be their head and governour ; threatning to murder the magistrates upon the spot , if they did not immediately comply with their demands . these menaces so terribly alarmed the magistrates , that they dispatched commissioners that very moment to his highness , desiring him to come to their city with all possible haste , to prevent by his presence the insurrection of the people . the prince alledged several reasons to them , to convince them how dangerous it was for him to leave the army ; but all was to no purpose : they persisted still in their demand , till at last the prince resolved to grant what they desired . being therefore with great solemnity conducted to the town-hall , they intreated him to signify his pleasure to them . to which his highness answered , that it belonged to them to make proposals to him , since they were the occasion of his coming . after some demur they requested him , that for the satisfaction of the people , he would be pleased to visit the fortifications and magazines of the city , without taking the least notice of making him stadt-holder ; to which the prince freely consented , and to that effect made the tour of the town immediately . but at his return , the people suspecting that the magistrates had deceived them , as well as they had done the prince , flocked in great multitudes about his coach , and boldly asked him , but with a great deal of respect for his person , whether the magistrates had made him their governour or no ? his highness having modestly answered , that he was content with the honour they had already done him , and that he had as much as he cou'd desire ; they unanimously declared , that they wou'd not lay down their arms till they had chose him stadt-holder . so that at last , the magistrates , terrified with the menaces of the people , and not knowing what other measures to take in so critical a juncture , were not without some repugnance , constrained to accomplish what they had before only done by halves : so difficult a matter it is for men to lay aside a settled hatred and aversion , that has once taken root in their hearts . upon this they passed an ordinance to abolish the perpetual edict ; which the prince refused to own , unless they would absolve him of the oath he had taken , when he accepted the charge only of captain general , which they gave him likewise by this ordinance . so they immediately made another act , which was read in the great hall by the secretary , by which the magistrates declared his highness the prince of orange to be stadt-holder , captain , and admiral general of all their forces , as well by sea as by land ; and gave him all the power , dignity , and authority which his ancestors , of glorious memory , had enjoy'd . after this the whole city rang with acclamations of an universal joy , and the arms of the house of orange were immediately placed upon the towers , and ramparts . only cornelius de wit , an ancient burghermaster , coming from the fleet sick and indisposed , said he wou'd never sign the act , whatever instances were made him to do it . he was pressed after an extraordinary manner not to refuse the signing of it , but neither the perswasions of the chief men of the city , nor the threatnings of the people , who were ready to plunder his house , nor the tears of his wife , who was sensible of the great danger he was in , cou'd prevail with him to alter his resolutions . nay , it went so far , that his wife threatned to show her self at the window , and declare her own innocence and that of her children , and to abandon him to the fury of the populace ; but all this made no impression upon him . dort was not the only place that rose up after this manner : all the cities of holland and zealand , where the burghers took notice of the ill conduct of their magistrates , did almost the same thing . so that upon a report made by the deputies of the respective cities , the states of holland , zealand and friesland , did not only confirm what had been done by the city of dort , but in a full assembly of the states , they presented his highness with some publick acts , by which the prince was absolved from his first oath of captain general , and at the same time was invested with the dignity of stadt-holder , together with all the rights , jurisdictions and priviledges heretofore granted to his predecessors . in conse●…ence of which his highness the very same day , in the hall of audience , took the place of stadt-holder , captain , and admiral general of the united provinces , with the usual ceremonies ; and afterwards returned to the army , that was encamped at bodegrave . from this very moment , as if the re-establishment of the prince had inspired the people with new courage , a body of five thousand french were twice repulsed before ardemburgh ; and without counting those that were killed upon the place , were forced to leave five hundred prisoners behind them , amongst which were several officers , and persons of quality ; and all this effected by the extraordinary bravery of no more than two hundred burghers . 't is true , that the women and boys assisted them , no body being spared upon this occasion ; which will be an everlasting disgrace to france , that looked upon the city as good as in their own possession . the burghers of groningen did not defend themselves with less courage and good fortune against the bishop of munster , than those of ardemburgh had done against the king of france . for that bishop having besieg'd this city with an army of twenty five or thirty thousand men , he was obliged to raise the siege , with the loss of almost half his souldiers , after he had been at a prodigious expence in buying all sorts of ammunition and inst●…ments of war , necessary to make himself master of that important place . in the midst of this extraordinary zeal the people show'd for the prince , an accident happen'd that served to confirm him more effectually in their affection , and occasioned the death of two of his greatest enemies . for a chyrurgion having accused cornelius de wit , bailiff of putten , with having secretly proposed to him to poison or kill the prince of orange ; after examination of the matter the baoliff was apprehended and put in prison , and altho he denied what was laid to his charge by throwing back the same crime upon his accuser , in order to justifie himself to the prince and people , nevertheless being confronted with the chyrurgeon , who still persisted in his accusation , which he confirmed by a promise that he said the bailiff had made him of franks for a recompence , and of six ducatoons which he had given him in hand , and by several other circumstances , usual in affairs of this nature : the court of holland , after they had maturely considered the report made by the advocate general , condemned cornelius to be divested of all his dignities and employments , and to be perpetually banished out of the territories of holland and friezeland . but the people seeing the states had pushed on the matter so far , and imagining that a criminal who was treated with so much severity , wou'd have received a greater punishment if the judges had not favoured him , began to murmur at the sentence , as too mild and gentle ; and immediately ran towards the prison with weapons in their hands . it hapned at this moment that iohn de wit came in his coach to take his brother out of prison , when one of the burghers dropping these words amongst the people ; now the two traytors are together , and it is our fault if they scape us . this was enough to animate the mobb who were heated enough before : but another thing happen'd , that helped to exasperate them more ; which was , that whilst the people were waiting for the coming out of the two brothers , some body or other had maliciously spread a report , that above a thousand peasants and fishermen were marching towards the hague to plunder it . upon which another burgher saying , come along gentlemen , let us make these traytors come out ; follow me and i will show you the way . these words inflamed them to the highest degree , so they immediately burnt the prison-gates , drew out the two brothers by main violence , dragg'd them about the streets , murder'd them , and cut them to pieces , crying aloud , behold the traytors that have betray'd their country . thus fell cornelius and iohn de witt , two sworn enemies of the house of orange . 't is commonly pretended that iohn was author of these politic resolutions , viz. the exclusion of his royal highness from all his offices , of the perpetual edict , and of the qualities requisite for a stadt-holder . min heer fagel succeeded the pensioner in his place , the prince of orange having approved his election . the elector of brandenburgh writ a letter to the states in favour of the prince , telling them that since he heard his r. highness was re-established in the dignities of his ancestors , he did not doubt but heaven would prosper a resolution so advantageous to the public , especially since he knew the prince inherited all the vertues of his glorious predecessors ; protesting besides that he found himself obliged since his elevation , to contribute all that lay in his power to assist the prince , to recover and preserve what his ancestors had acquired at the expence of their own blood , with so much reputation to themselves . about this time the prince being resolved to dislodge the advanced guards of the french , made a detachment of horse and foot , and with them gives an alarm to the enemy , whom he chased as far as their trenches before utrecht , disheartened with the loss of their own men before cronemburgh . while both parties were thus busied in the feild there was great changing of the magistrates in most of the cities , to the great satisfaction of the inhabitants , who now hoped to see their country enjoy its ancient tranquillity . his highness not being any longer able to suffer the corruption of military discipline , which had been so fatal to the republic in general , ordered several officers to be punished for their cowardice and treachery . but nothing touched him so sensibly as to see the season almost past without any considerable action , which made him resolve to attack narden . for this purpose he commands coll. zulestein and count horn to advance ; the first to take his quarters between utrecht and narden , and the other to intrench himself at polanen , on the mill side . his highness intrenched on that part near bodegrave with four regiments , the duke of luxemburgh made all imaginable haste to relieve the besieged , and with about eight or nine thousand men fell upon the quarter of coll. zulestein , but was repulsed with loss , and forced to retire . the town was afterwards batter'd in a very furious manner , and reduced to such extremities that they sent deputies to capitulate . but in this interval the duke of luxemburgh having received a new reinforcement , marched by a way full of water , by the help of some peasants , who served him as guides ; he once more attacqued , when they least expected him , the very same quarters of coll. zulestein , from whence he had been beaten the night before ; and after a bloody resolute dispute , wherein the collonel was slain , ( having refused quarter , ) the duke at last threw three thousand men , by way of relief , into the town : nevertheless he was repulsed the second time by count horn , and forced to leave his prisoners behind him . of the french there were killed , and fifty officers who dyed of their wounds within days after the engagement , without reckoning those that lost their arms and legs upon this occasion : which caused so great a consternation amongst the french that were at utrecht , that after this time the officers drew lots , when they were go out in any parties against the prince of orange . of the hollanders were slain six or seven hundred men , besides coll. zulestein , and a lieutenant collonel . his highness seeing the city had received so considerable a relief , retired to his own quarters , with the honor of a compleat victory , and raised the seige without the least loss , having defeated almost five entire regiments , the greatest part of their officers being either slain or mortally wounded , and having twice repulsed an old general , who had never succeeded in his design had it not been for the perfidiousness of the peasants . after the unsuccessful attempt upon narden , his highness assembled a council of war , at which the principal officers of the army assisted , and having commanded the horse that were quartered at helden to hinder the english merchandise from being transported from rotterdam to brabant , he marched himself to rosendael , which was the place of the general randezvous , from whence with an army composed of twenty four thousand horse and foot , he took his march directly to the country of liege . at his approach the count de duras , who was at moseyk , retired with his army to vassemburgh , and higher towards the river roer . 't was believed that his highness's principal design was to chase the french from their quarters near the meuse , and give battle to the count de duras , who commanded the enemy's troops , in case he found a favorable opportunity to do it . to effect this , having passed his army upon a bridge of boats near navagne , and joyned the auxiliaries which came to him from spain , he marched directly to tongres , and invested it on all sides with the spanish cavalry and his own . he had no sooner done this , but news was brought him that the count de duras had decamped , upon which repassing the meuse between sittart and maseik , he encamped near ainsberg , where he continued two days , to see if he cou'd engage the count to give him battle , but the river which was swell'd with the late rains not favouring his design , he returned the same way to mastricht ; from whence he detach'd a party of horse and foot to possess themselves of the castle of valcheron . this castle was strongly fortified , but after some resistance surrendred at discretion . they found in it great quantity of hay and corn , and other provisions . after this his highness marched to lewick , hoping to engage the enemy , but the count had retired in mighty speed , and was got at such a distance from the princ's army , that it was impossible to overtake him . at last perceiving that the count de duras had no mind to hazard a battle , he ordered the count de marcin to invest charleroy with the van-guard , while he himself followed with the main body of the army ; but the weather was so violently cold that it was impossible to open the trenches , or to make the least circumvallation , so that after he had made himself master of bins , taking three captains with three hundred soldiers prisoners , pillaged and demollished the town , he marched back the same way , and put his army into winter quarters . the count de montal , who sometimes shut himself up in tongres , and sometimes in charleroy , because he was afraid for both these places , and yet could not tell which of them the prince would besiege , was much mistaken to imagine , that the prince would undertake a long siege in the most rigorous season of the year . however it was very remarkable , that a young general , who commanded an army composed of so many different nations , should be able to march in the midst of so violent a winter into the enemies country , to beat an old general from his post , to offer him battle , and for this purpose to follow him from place to place , to alarm two strong garrisons , and return home with abundance of prisoners , and the booty of two fortified places , and all this in the compass of nine days , without the loss of any of his men , or at least very few . not to mention the terror he put the archbishop of colen in , who neither thought himself safe at bonn , or any other place within his own territories , while the prince was so near him . during the prince's expedition , the duke of luxemburg got together an army of forty thousand horse and foot , with a resolution to conquer the province of holland , and hoping to enrich himself and his men with the pillage of leyden and the hague , designed to march upon the ice , with the flower of the french army , towards the end of december ; but being arrived at slinwetering he found the waters so high that only three thousand five hundred foot could pass , the rest being obliged to return to naerden . this party first attacked nieucrop , but was repulsed by the peasants , so that he marched toward swammerdam , where the soldiers were the first that fled , leaving the inhabitants to the mercy of the enemy . nevertheless count koningsmark , who commanded at bodegrave , having advice of the coming of the french , made all imaginable haste to march by leiden , and posted a regiment at goursluys to hinder their incursions on that side . this desperate and unexpected march of the french at first put the people into a great consternation , particularly those of the hague ; but nothing discouraged them so much , as to hear that while the states took all imaginable care to prevent the enemies returning , collonel painvin had abandoned his post at niewerbourg , and retired to tergou . by this means the enemy had an open free passage to go home when they pleased , whereas otherwise they must either have perished in the water , or else surrendred themselves at discretion , by reason of the great thaw which followed soon after : but all their fears and apprehensions vanish'd at the prince of orange's return , who having at breda received advice of this enterprize of the french , arrived with incredible diligence at alfen , and in a short time his presence re-established every thing as before . all this while the duke of luxemburg ravaged the heart of the country , where he had like to have lost his life by a fall from his horse into the water which was thaw'd , his people saving him not without a great deal of difficulty . but tho he made a shift to escape , it did not fare so well with six hundred of his best soldiers , who there perished . thus ended this bold and hazardous expedition . it is certain the french committed unheard of cruelties at swammerdam , and all other places that fell into their hands , ravishing the women , stripping and wounding young and old , and throwing children into the fire . but these losses nevertheless were in some manner recompenced by the taking of coeverden , which is one of the strongest cities in the low countries , the key of friezland and groningen , encompassed on all sides with a morass , fortified with large deep double ditches , the ramparts extreamly high and strong , and defended by seven bastions that carry the names of the seven united provinces , and a very regular castle , looked upon by ancient writers to be impregnable . this city fell into the hands of the bishop of munster , in the fatal year , not without suspicion of treachery . but fortune now declining to espouse the french interest any longer , since his highness was restored to all his paternal dignities ; it was retaken with as much gallantry and courage , as it had been lost with dishonor and cowardice . for this very same place , which verdugo had in vain besieged , for the space of one and thirty weeks together ; and which the bishop of munster , after he had rendred himself master of it , had plentifully stored with provisions , out of a prospect of making it the magazine for those parts , was by a party of nine hundred and sixty men only , commanded by m. de rabenhaut , retaken in less than an hour , without the loss of more than sixty men , whereas the enemy lost above an hundred and fifty , besides the officers that were slain at the assault , and four hundred and thirty prisoners taken , of which number were six captains , eleven lieutenants , and fourteen ensigns . the rest of the garrison , for in all it consisted of nine hundred men , saved themselves by a precipitate flight as soon as they saw the city was lost . but what was most considerable , there was found in this important fortress such a prodigious quantity of all warlike ammunitions , and other provisions , that without question the enemy might have maintain'd the siege much longer . besides as the retaking of this strong place by the hollanders , gave infinite incouragement to the people , so the loss of it extremely mortified the enemy , and put them into such a terrible consternation , that upon the news of this loss they abandon'd several other places . all this served to increase the reputation of his royal highness , for the people observing how much all affairs went for the better , ever since the management of them was lodged in his hands , they were easily perswaded , and that not without good reason , that all this unexpected series of successes was the sole effect of his bravery and conduct . at this time the disputes between the new and old magistrates of friezland were carried on with that warmth and vigour that they held their assemblies apart , and formed resolutions intirely opposite to each other . this disorder , which might in time have proved pernicious to the public tranquillity , cou'd neither be determin'd by the governor of that province , nor by the princess dowager of orange , whatever instances and precautions both one and the other used to extinguish the differences ; but no sooner had the commissioners sent by the prince arrived there , but all these breaches were repaired , and the country once more settled in order and union . after this , his highness went in person to zealand , where the same divisions reigned as in friezland ; and at the moment he appear'd in the assembly of the states at middleburg , all the differences vanished , and the province was in a condition to defend it self , to the great satisfaction of the people in general , the magistrates in particular , and the eternal praise of this illustrious prince . he took occasion from hence to go and visit the frontiers and fortifications of flushing , sluyis , and ardenburgh , where they deliver'd him the keys in a silver bason by the hands of the young maids of the city , all drest up with flowers . he did the same thing at assendyck , bergen ap zoom , breda , boisleduc , and other places ; and af●…er making an exact review returned to the hague . the spring was by this time well advanced , and the hollanders had business enough on their hands ; for on one side they were attaqued by the king of france in person with a powerful army , and the prince of conde and the duke of luxemburg were at utrecht with great forces , watching an opportunity to throw themselves into the heart of the country ; and on the other side the king of great britain , with his fleet and that of france conjoyn'd , vigorously attacqued them . for these reasons the prince of orange cou'd not stir abroad , being constrained to keep his post , as well to have an eye upon the prince of conde and the duke of luxemburg , as to prevent the descent of the english. in the beginning of may , the king of france parted from paris at the head of a great army , which several other bodies in the french acquisitions were to join ; and after a slow march sate down before maestricht on the th of iune with all his forces , consisting in all of forty two thousand horse and foot ; having given orders before to the count d' orge to invest the place with three thousand horse . the garrison of maestricht consisted of about four thousand foot , and eight or nine hundred horse , under the command of monsieur de farjaux governour of the town , a brave experienced captain , as he abundantly convinced all the world by the generous resistance he made , and by that vast inundation of blood it cost the french king to take it ; who lost on this occasion more than of his best souldiers , all his musqueteers except seven , and an infinite number of gallant officers : and perhaps it had not been purchased so easily , if the besieged had been in time relieved with a recruit only of a thousand men , or if they had been better provided with ammunition , which now began to fail them . it would be too tedious to give an exact relation here of all the rencounters , and bloody combats that happen'd night and day , and of the firing which was made on both sides , this being rather the business of a journalist than an historian . i shall therefore content my self to say in a few words , that after the garrison , by a vigorous defence , which lasted near three weeks , had lost one half of her men , by continual batteries and assaults one after another , and those that remained were not in a condition to defend themselves any longer , by reason of the perpetual fatigues they had endured , the governour was sorced at last , at the repeated instances of the magistrates , or rather by the treachery of some ecclesiasticks of the romish perswasion , to capitulate and surrender himself . in effect , upon a faithful relation which the governor gave his highness of all that had happen'd , the prince was so well satisfy'd with his conduct , that he made him major general of his army . and to say the truth his opposition had been so vigorous , and withal so fatal to the french , that the king of france thought he had done enough for this campaign in only taking mastricht . so that after he had demolished the fortifications of tongres , he divided his army at the same time , part of which he sent to the mareschal de turenne , another body was appointed to ravage the country of triers , because the elector of that name had taken the emperor's side . and three brigades marched immediately to reinforce the army which was in holland . the french army being thus dispersed , and the english fleet after the last engagement leaving the coasts of holland , the prince of orange found himself more at liberty , and not enduring to spend any more time without action , he recalled all the troops that were in zealand , to come and joyn the rest of his army , and marched all on the sudden to besiege naerden with twenty five thousand men. he gave the command of the cavalry to major general farjaux , and took his quarter on one side , and count waldeck on the other . while things were in this posture , the duke of luxemburg having made up a body of ten thousand men besides four regiments of munsterian horse , advanced within sight of the dutch , as far as the prince's intrenchments , which by that time were finished ; but not daring to relieve the town , the prince pursued his design , took the counterscarp by assault , and the ravelin before the huyserport after three hours resistance , forced the besieged to retire into the town in great disorder , and obliged them the day following after the loss of their forts to demand leave to capitulate . in short the town was surrendred , on condition the garrison should march out with colours flying , drums beating , and two pieces of cannon . the governour , as he passed by , saluted his highness with a profound reverence , and as 't is reported , told the prince that he had very good reasons , for delivering up the town in so short a time , which he would acquaint the king his master with at a proper time and place : but in all appearance his reasons upon examination were not thought valid , for he was condemned to perpetual imprisonment , after he had been degraded at utrecht in a very ignominious manner . 't is true , all the world was surprized , that the french so easily abandon'd a place of that importance and strength , and which was in so good a condition to defend it self ; for there were two thousand nine hundred and thirty souldiers in the garrison , who wanted no provisions ; besides that the french , ever since they had rendred themselves masters of it had fortified it extremely . but whatever was the cause of it , whether some divisions arising between them and the swissers , as some people imagine , or something else which we don't know , his highness , who to encourage the souldiers by his own example , exposed his person to all dangers , both in the trenches and upon the batteries , carried the town in four days , having only men slain outright , and about wounded , whereas the enemy lost abundance more , which is quite contrary to what happens in all other sieges . nor was he less careful to preservehis conquest , than he was to acquire it : to this purpose having given all necessary orders to repair the fortifications , and placed a sufficient garrison in in it , he made count coningsmark , a brave experienced captain , governour of the town , and then returned to the hague to prepare himself for some greater designs . for after the states of the united provinces had made a stricter alliance with the king of spain and the emperor , to defend themselves mutually against france their common enemy , by which they were obliged to assist one another conjointly with all their forces ; after this triple alliance , i say , in consequence of which , the imperial army consisting of about twenty thousand foot and ten thousand horse was already on their march ; the prince of orange to perform something remarkable before the season was over , caused his army to advance to rosendael in brabant , and following it soon after himself , he joyn'd with the count de monterey , who without the least difficulty yielded to him the preheminence and command of the whole army . but finding that the prince of conde had changed his post upon the news of the two armies being joyn'd , and that he had so well intrenched himself that it was impossible to attack him , he advanced higher , and joyn'd the imperial army commanded by montecuculi , between andernach and bon. in his march he summoned rhinbeck to surrender , which thro the perswasion of a burgher , who encouraged the rest to make resistance , being refused , he commanded the sieur de walkenburg to take two regiments of dragoons , and two of infantry , and to make an assault , which they did with that vigour , that the souldiers entring the town put all to the sword , and hang'd up the burgher who had so ill advised them as to make an opposition . the confederates being now joyn'd , it was resolved to attack bonn. the better to effect this the marquis d' arsentar was dispatched to kessenning to take his quarters there , and on the next day montecuculi lodged the imperialists at goedesbourg . his highness went to post himself with all his forces at rynford , and general spork , who commanded the imperial cavalry , planted himself on the other side of the city , near westerwaldt . bonn is a considerable city , called by the romans , iulia bonna , scituate upon the rhine , within four leagues of colen . as it was then in the hands of the elector and the french , they had placed in it a garrison of two thousand men , under the command of lantsberghen , and had provided it with all ammunitions of war , with twenty four piece of cannon planted upon the walls and ramparts . the confederates not thinking themselves sufficiently paid for the loss of mastricht by the retaking of naerden , resolved to render themselves masters of bonn. the pr. of conde durst not hinder them in person , but sent the mareschal d' humieres with a body of five thousand horse to oppose them , and to endeavour to throw some relief into the town in the beginning of the siege . to put this in execution he advanced as far as birchem , from whence he sent a party of an hundred horse , who pretending that they belonged to the duke of lorrain , passed through the midst of the imperialists , without being stopt by any of the centinels , and so got safe into the city . but another hundred hoping to meet the same success , as they passed by his highness's quarters , found the centinels not so credulous as their brethren were , so they were all cut in pieces , or made prisoners ; which news coming to the ears of five hundred more , who had hid themselves in a neighbouring wood upon the same design , they fled with the greatest precipitation imaginable . at this time general spork detached a body of five thousand horse to go and meet the french , which the mareschal being informed of , he sounded a retreat , and went back to utrecht . on the other side , the bsiegers having finished their batteries , and made their approaches , gave but little , or no rest at all to the besieged , and after they had made three mines ready to spring , they prepared to give a general assault . nevertheless the generals of the confederates being willing to spare their own people , and hoping to make themselves masters of the place by gentler methods , sent to summon the governor afresh , remonstrating to him that he had no hopes of being relieved , that they were ready to spring three mines ; that to be farther satisfied of the truth of this matter he might if he so pleased , send one of his own men to behold them ; and that in case of longer resistance they were resolved to put all to the sword , without giving quarter to any whom they found in arms . this message so effectually frighted the besieged , that after a few days siege they demanded articles , and surrendred the same day upon the ordinary conditions , viz. to go out with drums beating , colours flying , without carrying any provisions , or ammunition with them , except two pieces of cannon . there went out of the garrison a thousand five hundred men , the rest being either slain or wounded , all the germans who were in this number immediately deserted , and listed themselves in the emperour's service . the city being taken , his highness retired to vesseling , and from thence marching lower with his army , and that of the imperialists ( for he commanded both ever since the departure of montecuculi for vienna , till the arrival of the duke de bournonville ) he took the two castles of brevel and sechuich , the latter of which had a garrison of two hundred french commanded by a german , who perceiving that the soldiers , after they were summon'd to surrender , resolved to hold it out to the last , bethought himself of a stratagem to make them alter their opinions , for having commanded the french to go down into the lower court , under a pretence to defend it , when he saw them all there , he drew the draw-bridge upon them , who finding themselves by this means exposed to a much greater number , were forced to yield up the place . this same castle in the year , had been besieged by the entire army of the duke de weimar , and the landgrave of hesse , under the command of the counts de guebriant and d' eberstein , and for six weeks together was battered with extraordinary fury . but after all their efforts they were constrained to raise the siege . all this while the mareschal de turenne kept himself at a distance , for altho he received the news that bonne was besieged by the confederates , and had a mighty desire to attempt the raising of the siege , yet knowing that the duke of lorrain lay upon the banks of the moselle to observe him , he moved up and down in the electorate of ments , mightily complaining that he was no sooner informed of the joyning of the confederates . the mighty multitudes of the french were by this time reduced to so inconsiderable a number , and all through their prodigal ill-managed effusion of blood , that they were not in a condition to keep the field without draining their garrisons . this necessity obliged them to abandon the greatest part of their conquests in the low countries , and draw out their men from thence , rather than suffer so powerful an army as that of the confederates was , to retake without any manner of resistance the cities upon the rhine , the meuse and the moselle . woerden was the first place they quitted , as it was the first that suffered under their tyranny , the governor having received orders from the duke of luxemburg to demolish the ramparts , and to carry away with him all the ammunition and heavy canonn : but as in the bodies of persons possessed , the devil before he departs , leaves terrible marks of his rage behind him ; so after the same manner the governor of this town , before he left it , sent for the magistrates and demanded twenty thousand livres of them to save themselves from plunder and fire ; alledging that he had orders from the king and duke of luxemburg to pillage and reduce the place to ashes , unless they gave him the above mentioned summ. the magistrates repaired to utrecht , but notwithstanding all the remonstrances and submissions they made to the duke of luxemburg , were obliged to comply with what he demanded of them , nay and more than that , to save their castle , their gates , and their fortifications , which ohterwise they threatned to lay level with the ground , and were forced to leave hostages till the summ was paid . the malice and perfidy of the french was such , that they had min'd the castle and one of the bastions , and had insallibly destroy'd them , if the swissers that werein the place had not discovered their treacherous intention . harderwick was intirely dismantled , yet for all that they had the good manners to demand twelve thousand livres of the inhabitants , but the richest burghers having long before quitted the town , they were forced to go without it . the fort of crevec●…ur was utterly demolish'd : nevertheless the french made an offer to save the church and the governor's house for the summ of three thousand pistols , to be paid by the inhabitants of boisleduc , but this proposal being rejected , they neither spared the house , nor the church . bommel , a fortress of great importance , upon the fortifications of which place the king of france had expended the summ of sixscore thousand livres , was deserted at the same time ; the inhabitants giving a dozen hostages for the payment of two thousand crowns , to preserve their houses from being pillaged . utrecht , where the french had always in garrison between six and seven thousand men at least , and which place consequently was a mighty expence to them , was likewise abandoned . nevertheless this city was obliged to give hostages for the payment of thousand crowns . the french leaving it all on the same day , the burgher-masters were absolved from the oath they had taken against the re-establishment of the pr. of orange , and sent their deputies to him to acknowledge him for their stadt-holder , in the name of all the province , which change was very agreeable to the people . elburgh upon the south sea , campen on the overyssel , and hattem were likewise quitted by the french , and steenwick and weppel by the munsterians . in consideration of so unexpected a change , which was intirely owing to the prudent conduct and great courage of the prince of orange , the states confirmed him in the office of stadt-holder , to testify how sensible they were of the services he had done the republic ; and not content with this , entailed this dignity upon the heirs of his body , born in lawful wedlock in an instrument dated febr. d. . the same day the states of zealand conferr'd the same administration upon his royal highness , and declared him chief nobleman of their province . it was high time now to deliver these states from those consusions and disorders , which the french had occasioned in the government . and the prince very wellknowing that it was no less glorious for a good governour to reform and correct what was amiss at home , than to make conquests abroad , went to utrecht to settle the government of that province upon the antient foot. to effect this , he conven'd immediately after his arrival an assembly of the states , where it was resolved that new members should be chose to compose the body of the nobility and magistracy ; which was put in execution in the very same manner he had projected . for having given them to understand , that at the request of several of the burghers , he had drawn up a scheme of certain orders for the better government of the province for the time to come ; but yet wou'd by no means impose any thing upon them without the advice and consent of those that were present ; at last , after a mature deliberation , they all unanimously submitted to the ordinances proposed by his highness , which were , that the government of the province should be in the hands of three distinct societies , as it anciently had been , viz. the councellors elect , the body of the nobility , and the deputies of towns : that the councellors elect should be continued three years and no longer ; that after that time was expired , which they were to acquaint the governour general with three months before , he should have power to continue them , or else to make new alterations , as he should see convenient ; provided he nominated none but those that were of the reformed religion , and that amongst these councellors elect there were four burghers and four gentlemen ; moreover , that the governour general should have the disposal of the vacant places of the provosts , as also of the revenues of the vicaridges belonging to the provosts , deans and chapters of monks , as soon as they fell , and employ this for the maintenance of poor ministers , and other pious uses in the province ; that to avoid all disputes relating to the nobility , the governour alone should have the power , after the death of one or more of that body , to put in his or their place , such person or persons as he should think fit , provided they made profession of the reformed religion , having a due regard to their age , birth , estates , and such other circumstances ; that after the first nomination and election of a governour general , all vacancies of bailiffs of towns , presidents , advocates , and in short of all civil and military offices , should be at his disposal . after this a form of an oath was agreed upon , which all that were present were to take without further scruple , and all others should be obliged to do the same , according to their several functions . and when the following proposition was made , whether it were advisable to confer the charge of governour general , captain , and admiral general of the province upon his highness and his heirs male lawfully begotten ; they all nemine contradicente approv'd the motion , and so conserr'd that dignity upon his highness . at the same time general rabenhaupt , with the militia of frizeland and groningen , reinforced with the regiment of bumarnia , took the field , and made himself master of northom , which he fortified with sixteen companies of horse , and six of foot ; and from thence advancing to tuvent , took several other places of less importance , designing to chase all the munsterians out of that part of the country , and to that end marched as far as nienbuys . the enemy was no sooner informed of the general 's march , but they invested northom with five regiments of horse , three companies of dragoons , and three hundred foot , commanded by general nagel , and beat the advanced guards back into the town . general rabenhaupt had no sooner received intelligence of this , but he came back the same way to relieve the place ; which he performed so happily , that the enemy was obliged to betake themselves to flight , after they had lost a hundred and seventy of their men ; of which number sixscore were slain upon the place , and the rest made prisoners . the next day he return'd to nienbuys , and being resolved to make short work on 't , gave orders to five regiments to make an assault in five several places all at the same time ; which they executed with that bravery , that after a quarter of an hours resistance , the enemy was forced to retire into the castle , which was encompassed but with one single rampart , and defended with no more than two pieces of cannon . the besiegers , who pushed the point home , were now just ready to enter the castle , when the enemy begged quarter , which was granted them . the garrison consisted of three hundred foot , thirteen officers , and two hundred and seventy horse and dragoons , with fifteen officers . general rabenhaupt after so happy a success put his small body of an army into winter quarters , which news being brought to nagel , he came back again to nyenbuys , and retook it for the bishop of munster . but the bishop , either dreading these uncertain chances of war , or rather fearing the approach of the imperialists , made his peace with the emperour . which so mightily alarm'd the french , who were still in possession of their frontier towns in the low-countries , that the marquess de bellefonds , who succeeded the mareschal d' humieres in the government of the conquer'd provinces , resolved to abandon the rest , pretending he had occasion for the men to preserve those conquests they had made upon the rhine . besides , being informed that the prince of orange designed to march into brabant with thirty thousand men , there to joyn the spanish army that was composed of twenty thousand , instead of fortifying the places of his government , he began to demolish them . thiel compounded for twenty two thousand florins , to preserve themselves from fire and plunder , which they threatned them with , and to save their fortifications . the town of zutphen promised seventy thousand , and gave hostages for the security of payment . arnheim paid twenty six thousand florins , and four thousand sacks of corn and meal , which the magistrates of the town engaged to see carried to grave . deventer paid six thousand rixdollars to the bishop of munster . thus the whole province of overyssel regained its ancient liberty , and returned to its natural and lawful soveraigns . after which his highness sent commissioners thither to make some necessary alterations , and regulate affairs , till he had an opportunity to come himself in person and put a full conclusion to them . the king of france seem'd to be exceedingly displeased with the conduct of the marquis de bellefonds so that he banished him to bourges , with a prohibition to come near the court , altho all the world knew this was only a meer pretence to conceal his present necessities , and that he was forced to exhaust his garrisons in the low-countries to reinforce his army which he had designed for the conquest of the franche-comte . but the honour of all these desertions was justly attributed to the prince of orange ; for he , like another scipio , carrying the war into the enemy's territories , in less than two years , forced all these french hannibals to quit his own country , and seek their fortune elsewhere . in the mean time the king of france , endeavouring , like the sea , to gain in one place what he had lost in another , entred the franche comte with a prodigious army , which joyning with another that was commanded by the prince of conde , became so formidable , that in a short time he made himself master of besançon , dole , salins , and in short of the whole province . while these two armies were thus joyn'd , the prince of orange repaired to his army at berghen op zoom , from whence he marched to malines , and kept himself on his guard in brabant , during all the time the french king was in the neighbourhood : but this monarch being return'd to paris after his new couquest , where he lost both abundance of brave officers , and of his best souldiers , the imperialists threw themselves into namur , took the castle , and dinant , and the passage of the meuse being by this means opened . they went to joyn the army of the confederates towards the end of iuly . the three generals after some conference , order'd that the count de souches should lead the van , his highness command the main body , and the count de montery the rear . in this order the confederates prepared to attack the prince of conde , who with an army of fifty thousand men was encamped on the other side the river pieton , to prevent the designs of the enemy . the confederates , who had an army of sixty thousand men , resolved to set upon the prince and give him battle . with this prospect they marched strait upon him , having abundance of all sorts of provisions , which came daily out of brabant . with this resolution the confederate army arrived at nivelle by the beginning of august , where they incamped for some days . but because they saw the prince of conde was by no means disposed to quit his post , but on the other hand was still fortifying himself more and more within his trenches , the confederates judged it expedient to approach nearer to him , to see if he would not be willing to hazard a battle in open field . being therefore advanced within five or six mile of the french camp , they did all that in them lay to make him leave his strong scituation , but 't was to no purpose ; for the prince ( whether he had received orders from the king , or this was his own proper sense of the affair ) would by no means quit it . and now the confederate army finding that all their efforts were in vain , resolved to attack some important place , not doubting but the prince would leave his post to come and relieve it , and so they should bring their designs about . this resolution being taken , the prince of orange decamped from senef and marched strait on the side of bins . the imperialists had the vanguard , the hollanders the main body , and the spaniards the rear ; and because the passage was narrow , the cavalry marched on the left , the infantry in the midst , and the artillery with all the baggage on the left also ; and to secure their march the prince de vaudemont still kept behind , with four thousand horse and some dragoons . the prince of conde being informed of their march , and knowing perfectly well the difficulty of the ways through which the confederates were to pass , took care to range his army in order . however not thinking it safe for him to engage the whole army of the confederates , he suffer'd the vanguard with a considerable part of their main body to pass some leagues before , and when he saw they were too far advanced to return soon enough , he believed he might now fall upon the rear . thus the prince came out of his trenches , and attack'd vaudemont's horse , who seeing himself in a country where the horse could do no great service by reason of the hedges and ditches , sent presently to the prince of orange for two battalions of his best foot , while he with his horse kept the enemy in play . his highness sent him three under the command of young prince maurice of nassau , who as soon as they came up , were placed on the other side of senef , all before the horse in a four square body . and now the whole army of the prince of conde being come out of their trenches , 't was judged convenient to send for the troops that were on the other side of the river , that runs by senef , and then they placed the three battalions that before were posted in the wood , directly against the bridge of senef , over which the french were to pass . they were no sooner got thither , but the french attack'd 'em all at once , horse , foot , and dragoons . tho they began this attack with wonderful vigor , yet they were not able to force the enemy from his post , so that they were forced to draw off , and make a bridge over the river somewhat higher . having by this means joyn'd all their forces together , the confederate horse ranged themselves behind the infantry , but so that they might come upon occasion to their relief . in the mean time the foot fired so warmly upon the french that passed the river , that abundance of them were killed ; but the confederates being unhappily straitned for want of ground , and the french setting upon them as they came out of the wood , on all sides , their foot was obliged to retreat , being overwhelmed by the excessive number of their enemies , which was the reason that they lost several of their principal officers . young prince maurice who commanded the brigade was made a prisoner , with several officers more , and coll. macovits was killed . as soon as the infantry of the confederates was retired , the french fell with great vigour upon the horse commanded by the prince de vaudemont ; and the prince of conde began to range his army in form of battel , commanding his foot to march secretly under the covert of the hedges and bushes . the confederate horse had orders to charge them , and as they were going to do it , found the way was so hollow between the enemy and them , that they were obliged to turn about to the right , and joyn the rest of the army , lest the enemy perceiving their retreat , should charge them in the flank . the french observing this , turn'd to the left , and made so much hast to charge this body of horse , that prince vaudemont had only time enough to range his three battalions , to endeavour to make head against the enemy . this first onset proved unlucky to the confederates , for the three commanders in chief of this brigade were taken prisoners , with several other persons of quality , as the duke of holstein , the prince de solmes , and monsieur de langerac , and many more were there slain . whatever care was taken to make these four battalions rally again it could never be effected , for away they ran , without making the least discharge upon the enemy . prince vaudemont gave convincing proofs of an extraordinary valour , but all his efforts were to no purpose . the prince of orange likewise discovered an undaunted bravery , behaving himself in all respects like an old experienced general , for he got before these affrighted troops with his sword in his hand , and endeavoured by all sorts of perswasions , and by his own example , to encourage them to renew the fight , exposing himself frequently to the danger of being killed ; or made a prisoner , but he was not able to stop them , till they met a body of spanish horse posted at the bottom of a little hill , between them , and the village of fay. another party of these runaways , joyn'd themselves to sixteen battalions commanded by the duke de villa hermosa , who marched at the head of his troops to oppose the french who pursued them , and did every thing that could be expected from a person of his valour and conduct , in the miserable condition that things were then in . the rest of the confederates rallied togather with a body of foot , posted likewise at the foot of the same hill. on the other side the prince of conde , who had advanced so far in pursuing the fugitives , fell with that fury upon the spanish horse , and the foot whom he chased , that the marquis d' assentar was forced to send for four other regiments from the foot of the hill , to reinforce his cavalry . which the prince of conde observing , he ordered five or six battalions to advance immediately , with a brigade of horse , and dividing his troops on the right and the left , he charged the cavalry of the confederates in the front , and put them in disorder . the marquess did all he could , by his own example , to rally his men , and begin the battel afresh , till at last , being wounded in seven places , he was killed at the head of his own troops . the cavalry being thus in disorder , he attempted to break his way through four battalions of foot that were come to their relief , and put them in great confusion , notwithstanding the conduct of the duke de villa hermosa and prince vaudemont , who used all the means imaginable to make them rally . they likewise disordered the rest of the infantry that were posted at the bottom of the hill , altho count waldeck did his best to stop their flight ; but seeing it was time thrown away , he charged the victorious enemy in the flank with a fresh body of horse , that had joined him a little before . and certainly there was all the reason in the world to expect a good effect of this onset , under the conduct of so courageous and experienc'd a commander , if he had been but seconded : but as he was overpower'd by great numbers of the enemy , he withdrew from the heat of the action , after he had slain two of the enemy , who had particularly set upon him , and after he had rallied the rest of his troops , altho he was all over bloody with three wounds he had received . in the heat of this combat , some battalions of the enemy had made themselves masters of the baggage belonging to the dutch , and had already pillaged part of it . for the leaders , instead of fortifying and barricadoing themselves with their waggons , cut the harness of the horses , and fled away without ever looking behind them , some towards brussels , and some to other places , where they gave out that all was lost . it must be confessed , that the prince of conde had carried away all the advantages of victory in this fight , had he given over here , but his natural impetuosity and ambition spurr'd him on to gain all or nothing , which in the end proved fatal to him . for after he had ranged his guards du corps , cuirassiers , and the rest of the army that stay'd behind in battel array , he advanced towards the main body of the confederates , commanded by the prince of orange , prince maurice , the rhingrave , and major general vane . at the same time general souches who led the vanguard , and who was advanced some hours before the rest of the army , having received advice of what had passed , made all the haste he could to joyn the main body : which he did at one a clock in the afternoon : by which time his highness had advantageously bestowed the imperialists , and the spaniards on the left wing , and his own on the right . and now the fight was renewed more furiously than ever . the duke of luxemburgh commanded the right wing of the french , and the duke of nouailles the left : for the marquess de rochefort , the chevalier de tourilles , and the count de montal , were all three wounded . the first onset of the french was by far the most vehement that had been seen during the course of this war. honour , hatred , revenge , hope , and despair , animated the courag of the two parties . hope of victory , which as yet had declared her self in favour of neither side , made them resolve to vanquish or dye . the prince of orange show'd himself every where , sparing nothing upon this occasion that might facilitate the victory : sometimes he threw himself into the midst of his enemies to the apparent hazard of his life , and the souldiers who being encouraged by his example strove to out-do one another , sustained the fury of the enemy with a bravery greater than could be expected from them . having thus frustrated the hopes of the prince of conde , he endeavoured to wheel about to the left . but monsieur de farjaux major general of the dutch army , being sent with some battalions , and seconded by the count de chavagnac , ( who commanded a squadron of imperial horse ) to prevent this design , opposed the french with so much gallantry , that they were forced to retire : after this the count sent for four pieces of cannon , with which he gauled the enemy so advantageously , that count souches with his forlorn hope broke into the strongest quarter of the enemy , and gave proofs of an extraordinary courage , according to his custom upon such occasions . nor did the prince of lorrain sit idle , but was seen to fight several times at the head of the first ranks , altho he lost so much blood , that at last he was obliged to withdraw from the battel . prince pio who lay with his brigade near senef , accompanied by the marquess de grana , and count staremberg , after he had signalized himself by a thousand noble actions , was wounded in the thigh by a musquet-shot . the marquess de grana , and the sons of count souches behaved themselves so valiantly at the head of their squadrons , that the french swissers were not able to gain one inch of ground upon them , which did not a little contribute to the gaining of the battel for the confederates . in the mean time the prince of conde charged the right wing of the confederates , with his cuirassiers , and the king's houshold , but without effect : only about seven in the afternoon he broke two battalions that were posted in a meadow at a small distance from thence . but prince maurice here performed a signal piece of service to the states , in stopping the career of the enemy , and preventing the great disorder on that side with no less conduct than courage . the rhingrave behaved himself with great bravery , and we may truly say , that his valor and prudence did not inconsiderably promote the good success of this battel . he was nevertheless constrained to leave the field by reason of a wound he had received . major general vane , and the sieur de villaumdire after having given remarkable testimonies of their valour , were mortally wounded , and died of their wounds . the two armies fought in this manner till night with unexpressible fury on both sides , tho the ground was covered with the dead and wounded ; while the combatants covered with blood and sweat encouraged one another by so terrible a spectacle . one might have seen whole battalions of one and t'other side sometimes give ground , and then immediately rally by the good conduct of their respective commanders , amongst whom the prince of orange was chief , who was all along to be seen in the heat of the battle , encouraging his men by his own example . he had near him the young prince of frizeland , who was not above twenty years old , and always engaged where the enemies stood thickest , and doing all that could be expected from so valiant and generous a prince . thus the first heat and fire of the french , which threatned to devour every thing that stood in its way , began to slacken about ten at night . the infantry , great part of which they lost , kept off at some distance , in spight of all the prince of conde could do to bring them back , so that the prince fearing a greater misfortune , ordered his horse to retreat , leaving but a few squadrons behind to favor their retreat , and these he commanded to move off as soon as the rest of his army was safe ; leaving the victory and the field of battle to the prince of orange , who two hours after the retreat of the french made his army draw off , and put them into winter quarters . nevertheless he left monsieur de farjaux all night in the field to observe the motion of the enemy , who tho they could not well digest the rude treatment they received the day before , durst attempt nothing : the prince of conde having only left some dragoons in his old quarters , and got above three hours march before , lest the confederates should pursue him . this was the issue of this bloody battel , wherein the confederates were beat at first , altho they got the victory at last . for on the enemies side there were seven thousand men killed upon the spot , without reckoning the wounded , whom the prince of conde left in the neighbouring villages , to the number of more than fifteen hundred on the side of the confederates , the whole list of those that were slain , wounded , made prisoners and deserted , did not amount in all to above six thousand five hundred , besides that abundance of their men after they had been dispersed on one side and t'other in the hurry of the engagement returned to their colours . 't is commonly reported that a letter of the prince of conde to the king of france was intercepted , wherein he acquaints him , that after he had made a general review of his army , he found it in a very deplorable condition , that he had lost the flower of his infantry , and the better part of his horse , and in fine did not look upon himself to be strong enough to hazard a second battel . in effect , besides three regiments , seven hundred swissers of the guards , and the swiss regiment of molandin were intirely defeated . an infinite number of officers of note were slain , amongst whom were the marquess de chanvalon , de clemerant , de bourbon , and d' iliers ; three counts , two cornets of the king's guards , more than forty officers of the guards du corps , forty three officers of the king's regiment , fourscore officers of the queen's guards , nine collonels , eight lieutenant collonels and majors , and a hundred and sixty five captains , without reckoning the subaltern officers . so that the prince of conde did not without reason complain that he had lost abundance of brave officers in this bloody dispute ; and a certain truth it is , that if he had not had the advantage in the beginning of the fight his army had been entirely defeated . amongst several other standards a white one was carried to brussels , and hung up with a great deal of solemnity in the church belonging to the carmelites . this standard was embroider'd with gold and silver , bearing a sun in the zodiac with these proud words : nihil obstabit eunti , nothing shall stop my course . the day after the battel his highness marched with the whole army by the way of mons , and put them in quarters at s. guillain , where he received five regiments of new recruits : and the imperialists retired to queverain , where they stayed without doing any considerable action , till the eleventh or twelfth of september . in the mean time general rabenhaupt undertook the siege of grave , which was one of the most memorable sieges that had happened for a long time , as well for the scituation of the place , the strength of the garrison , the great abundance of ammunition and provisions , as for the furious attacks and assaults of the besiegers , and the vigorous resistance of the besieged . and that which renders it still more famous , is , that it could never be ended till the arrival of the prince of orange , who soon determined it . the garrison consisted of fourscore and eleven companies of foot , who made in all four thousand men , and of nine troops of horse . the sieur de s. louis , an old experienced captain commanded the cavalry , and the marquess de chamilly , a valiant and expert commander was governor of the town ; where were four hundred and fifty pieces of cannon , a hundred of which were mounted upon the ramparts , besides an infinite quantity of powder , corn , granadoes , and all sorts of provisions ; for here the french had laid up all that they carried away from those places they first conquered , and afterwards abandoned general rabenhaupt laid siege to this place , which extremely incommoded all the neighborhood , with twenty regiments of foot , and some horse , which were soon after reinforced with two regiments of foot , and two hundred horse , commanded by don iohn de pimentel , and a regiment of foot of the prince of courland , and two regiments of horse of the elector of brandenburg , under the command of general spaen . coll. hundebeck posted himself behind the great dike on that side which lay nighest the velp ; coll. golstein on the side towards overyssel . the brandenburg cavalry posted themselves higher towards the est , to hinder any relief from coming into the town . and the general himself approached near the castle de vegesak . the place being thus environ'd on all sides , the siege was pushed forward with as much violence on the side of the besiegers , as it was vigorously defended by the besieged . in the mean time his highness and the imperialists that were quarter'd upon the frontiers of henault , having recovered the disorder of the last battel , were thinking how to perform some remarkable action . upon this consideration , as soon as the grand convoy was arrived from brussels with the spanish army , consisting of eight thousand foot , without reckoning the horse and dragoons , the prince of orange decamped with the whole army on the th of september , and passed the river hayne near tournay and aeth , and marched from thence to oudenarde . in the interim two regiments of foot , and two thousand five hundred horse near ghent , were sent to break the bridges of deinse and harlebike upon the river ley , with orders after that to rejoyn the army . that evening the same regiments brought abundance of barges laden with all sorts of ammunition and provisions , and five hundred pioneers , who were ordered to advance by the way of oudenarde , and were followed by a body of two thousand five hundred horse , that posted themselves that evening before the town , and shut up all the passages leading to the garrison on that side . the prince of orange , and the count de souches arrived at the same time , and took each of them their quarters , the prince in the abby of ename , and the count on the other side the river at leupegem and elare : and the spaniards c●…mmanded by the duke de villa hermosa , posted themselves at beverem and moregem . there were in the town four hundred germans , six thousand swissers , a thousand french , and four hundred horse commanded by the sieur de rosquaire . the confederates having finished all their works , made themselves masters of the counterscarp , when the prince of conde , having decamped from before beaumont , began to approach with his whole army , which consisted of forty thousand men , and resolved to give battel to the confederates , in case he could not otherwise relieve the place . it was therefore his highness's advice to get all things in readiness , and meet the enemy that was fatigued and spent with so tedious a march. but this resolution had no effect , because count souches was not to be found all that day , and thus the army was constrained to keep within their trenches . in the mean time the french still advanced on that side where the imperialists lay posted , but count souches , instead of ranging his men in battel , quitted his post , and passed the river in so much haste that he left some pieces of cannon behind him , which his highness had sent him , and cou'd not be recover'd without extream danger . by this means the prince of conde having an open passage , entred the town with part of his army , and he had certainly gained that advantage as to cut off all mann●… of communication between the confederates , had it not been for a great fog that arose on the sudden , and prevented his design . the prince of orange considering the present state of his affairs , was of opinion that it was the best way to draw off ; and so followed after the imperialists and the spaniards , whom he joyn'd within a league of oudenard , but finding that by reason of the great opiniatrete of the former , he should be able to effect nothing here , he was resolved to return the same way to grave , where his presence was so necessary to carry on the siege , leaving count waldeck to command the army in his absence . the prince arrived befor this place on the ninth of october with sixty troops of horse , and tho the besieged , who were now reduced to great extremities , defended themselves with great vigour and resolution till the th of the same month , yet the marquess de chamilly seeing it was impossible to hold out against a general assault , because of the great breaches in the works , demanded a cessation of arms for three or four hours , and after hostages on both sides , the city surrendred on very honourable conditions ; and thus ended this campaign . the year began with the addresses of the burghers , wherein they thanked his highness for the mighty services he had done them , in delivering them from the calamities and miseries they had suffered under the tyranny of a foreign enemy . in consideration of which they offer'd him the soveraignty of the dutchy of gueldres , and earldom of zutphen , with the titles of duke of gueldres , and count of zutphen . but the prince reflecting with himself , that the accepting of this offer would give matter of jealousy to some persons , and give others occasion to infer that he only aimed at his own grandeur in this war : to convince the world of the sincerity of his intentions , he judged it the best way to refuse these honours , but at the same time did not refuse the offer they made him of being hereditary governour of that province . this he readily accepted , and after he had taken the oaths , reformed several abuses that had got footing during the enemy's usurpation there . and now by reason of the continual alarms the people were in , upon the occasion of the french king's resolutions , who was to open the campaign himself in person , in the beginning●… of the spring , he continually applied his thoughts upon the war , and for that end always assisted at those conferences , where they debated upon their military affairs . he was at cleve to confer with the elector of brandenburgh , who entertained him with great magnificence ; and soon after his arrival at the hague , fell ill of the small-pox , which news caused so much the greater consternain the united provinces , because that disease had been fatal to his family , in the person of his father , his mother , and the duke of glocester ; but by the care and prudence of an able physician , and by the assistance of some remedies which the elector of brandenburgh sent him , he recovered his health , to the universal joy not only of holland , but all the confederates . no sooner was he perfectly recovered , but he repaired to the general rendezvous at rosendael ; for the king of france being now upon his march in brabant , it was necessary for the prince to observe his motions ; and so much the more , because limburg , which was besieged by the marquis de rochefort , demanded a speedy relief . for this reason , his highness parting with his army from duffel , joyn'd the dukes of lunenburg and lorrain at gangelt , with a resolution to raise the siege . and in all probability it had come to a battel between the french king and the prince , since the king , who was then at maestricht , having received advice of the prince's march , had repassed the meuse at viset , to oppose his design , but the city not being any longer able to sustain the great numbers of their enemies , surrendred sooner than was expected . after the taking of limbug , the king of france encamped near tillemont , ravaging all the country round about louvain , brussels , and malines . he had a mighty desire to make himself master of louvain , but his highness and the duke de villa hermosa watched him all along so narrowly , that he durst not undertake it ; so that finding he was able to do no more , content with having gained limburg , he returned to paris , leaving the prince of conde to observe the prince of orange . and to say the truth , both these wary generals watched one another so carefully , that they cou'd not gain the least advantage one over the other . but the prince of conde was soon commanded to go into alsatia , after the death of the mareschal de turenne . our prince therefore had now to do with a new general , the duke of luxemburgh , but who in prudence and conduct was by no means inferiour to his great predecessor . his highness had nevertheless this advantage over him , that he hindred him from ravaging the territory of triers ; so that after the fatal and entire routing of monsieur de crequi , that city fell into the hands of the imperialists . france having thus sustained two mighty losses , in the death of turenne , and the defeat of crequi , the d. of luxemburg , rather than run the hazard of receiving a third , which perhaps might have proved mortal , suffer'd the prince of orange to take bins before his face , when there were men in garrison , and great store of provisions . his highness ordered all its fortifications to be demolished , to render it unserviceable to the enemy , and finding the season now well advanced , dispersed his army and came back to the hague . the calamities of war , which had for some years afflicted and depopulated the greatest part of europe , were so extremely great and deplorable , that several princes moved with compassion , did deliberate of the most proper means to stop the progress of those miseries , under which the people languished . tho this design was so highly advantageous to christendom in general , yet it did but slowly advance , till at last the k. of great britain , having concluded a peace with holland , resolved to offer his mediatorship to procure an universal peace amongst all the christian princes , which having at last been submitted to , the city of nimeguen was chosen for the place of treaty , where all the plenipotentiaries met towards the beginning of the year . this hindred neither party from making as mighty preparations to renew the war in the spring , as if there were not the least thoughts of a peace : so that during the winter his highness was sufficiently employed to get his army ready against the opening of the campaign , for it was an easy matter to foresee that there would be occasion for very considerable forces to oppose the common enemy as soon as the season was approached . the french on their part began before the midst of april to make a review of several of their troops under mareschal de crequi , near charleville : and mareschal d' humieres was in the field with a body of fifteen thousand men , near courtray , putting all the country to contribution , because the spaniards were not strong enough to resist them . before the prince of orange could come and join the duke de villa hermosa , which he did at cambron , on the th of april , the mareschal de crequi had blocked up conde with an army of sixteen thousand men . upon the receit of this news the king of france parted immediately from paris , and was soon after followed by the duke of orleance , who brought with him a reinforcement of ten thousand men . the place was so furiously attack'd and batter'd on all sides , that unable to hold out any longer , they were constrained to surrender at discretion , altho the prince of orange was advanced as far as granville to relieve it . the king of france having given orders to repair the fortifications of conde , and to place a garrison of men in the town , commanded the duke of orleance to besiege buchain . this was a small town , but exceeding strong , scituate between cambray and valenciennes , and defended the communication between those two places ; for this reason it had a good garrison , under the command of a governor , who had the reputation of a brave and prudent captain . but the duke with such an army did not find the siege to be a work of great difficulty , and so much the less , because the king of france , who commanded the army in person , was not far from him ; and all this while kept the dutch and spanish army in breath . the prince who was now encamped in view of the enemy , near valenciennes , and was resolved to attack him the day following in case bouchain had not been taken , would not quit his post till the french king had decamped first , and having sent a considerable number of horse and foot to seize all the passes and bridges upon the river dender ; hinder'd him from ravaging the country of alost . about the beginning of iune the king returned to paris , and gave the command of his army in the spanish netherlands to mareschal de schomberg ; and the prince of orange encamped before maestricht . on the other side the mareschal to make a powerful diversion , sent humieres with men to besiege air , a place of prodigious strength , for it is encompassed with a deep morass , and excellent fortifications on three sides , so that it can be entred only at one way , which was defended by a fort called st. francis , having five bastions , two half-moons and a very deep ditch . nevertheless all this did not hi●…der him from making himself soon master of the fort , the governour not having men enough to oppose the great numbers of the french : who threw such a prodigious quantity of bombs and granadoes into the place , that most of the houses were afire . so that the burghers having without the governours privity demanded to capitulate , he was obliged to surrender the town , which nevertheless he did on very honourable conditions , that were easily agreed to by the french , because they were informed that the duke de villa hermosa was on his way to attempt to raise the siege . all this while the prince of orange never stirr'd from before maestricht , which he had invested with his own army , and the troops of the confederates , to each of whom he assigned their proper quarter . amongst the rest of these troops , the english , under col. f●…wick col. widdrington , and col. ashley , to the number of two thousand six hundred then , without reckoning the volunteers and reformades , presented a request to his highness , wherein they petition'd him to assign them a particular quarter , and that they might be commanded separately , that so if they behaved themselves like valiant men , they might have all the honour , and if otherwise , all the shame to themselves , it not being reasonable that they should suffer for the faults of other men . this the prince readily granted , and gave them a separate post , over against his own regiment of guards , under the command of col. fenwick , the eldest collonel of the three ; and they were as good as their word , as they really made it appear by their desperate attacques , where they signalized themselves by their extraordinary valour , as long as the siege lasted . and in truth never was siege carried on with greater vigour and resolution than this was ; the prince continually encouraging the souldiers with his presence , till he received a slight hurt in his arm by a musquet-shot ; but two things hindered them from taking the town which might otherwise have fallen into their hands . first , the river was so low that the prince was forced to stay some days till his cannon came from ruremond , for want of water . in the second place , the forces he expected from the bishop of munster and the dukes of lunenburg came not to his relief . on the other side , schomberg having received express orders to succour the town , and for that purpose having marched as far as tongres , his highness summoned a council of war to consider what was to be done in this conjuncture ; where , after they had reflected upon the present condition of the army , which was extremely lessen'd and fatigued , and found it was impossible to shut up the passes and avenues to the city on the side of wick , and that the french would infallibly throw some relief into it , notwithstanding all their endeavours to the contrary : in short , after they saw their horse cou'd not subsist any longer in the trenches for want of forrage , it was unanimously resolved to raise the siege . so the prince commanded the horse to join count waldeck , and sent the artillery , ammunition and provisions , with the sick and wounded to ruremond by water , keeping his foot in a posture of fighting till the vessels were out of all danger . soon after this , judging the campaign was ended for this year , he left his army under the command of count waldeck , and returned to holland to assist at the general assembly of the states . he gave them an account of the last expedition , which so highly satisfied them that the president congratulated him upon the score of his happy return , and in the name of the whole assembly thanked him for the extraordinary pains and fatigues he had undergone for the safety of the republic . the campaign being thus finished , all the world was in great hopes that a peace wou'd be soon concluded ; but as it is a much easier matter to kindle a fire than to extinguish it , a peace like this , where so many different interests and parties demanded to be satisfied , was not to be so speedily concluded , as those persons who impatiently wished for it , did imagine . the very preliminaries of this numerous assembly at nimeguen cou'd not be regulated in the compass of one winter ; and notwithstanding all the instances and application of the king of great britain , those that reasoned solidly , saw well enough that the peace was in no great readiness . nor were their conjectures vain , for no sooner was the year begun , but tho it was the depth of winter , the french marched directly into the spanish netherlands ; so that in a short time all the places about valenciennes , cambray , and st. omers , were covered with the enemies troops ; and these three cities were in a manner blocked up at a distance : the french openly boasting , that they wou'd make themselves masters of two important places before the spaniards were in a condition to take the field . * valenciennes was the first place that was invested , with a army of or thousand men , under the command of the duke of luxemburg and the count de montal : and four days after the king himself arrived in person in the camp. there was in the city a garrison of spanish , walloon and italian foot , with about horse and dragoons , commanded by the marquis de risburg , brother to prince d'epinoy theking after his arrival view'd the posts , gave orders for the trenches to be opened , and set up batteries . in fine the siege was so vigorously pushed on in a few days , that the french were advanced as far as the glacis of the counterscrap , and a horn work , that was one of the best defences the city had . but the king , not being willing to lose time in taking all the out-works regularly , order'd an assault to be made on the horn-work , in four different places , all at once , by eight in the morning ; and to facilitate this enterprize , alarmed the besieged all the night with throwing of bombs , granadoes , and carcasses , which had the desired effect : for after a short dispute the french enter'd the town , losing no more in this expedition than only count de barlemont , a collonel of the regiment of picardy , three musqueteers , six granadiers , and some souldiers . the king having thus carried valenciennes , sate down before cambray , with part of his army , commanded by the duke of luxemburg ; and order'd the mareschal d'humieres to invest st. omers with another part . cambray is one of the oldest cities in the low countries , built ever since the time of servius hostilius , but the castle was built by charles the fifth , upon which account the spaniards took great care to preserve it . there were in garrison fourteen hundred horse , four regiments of foot , besides two companies of old spanish souldiers , under the command of don pedro de laval the governour . the cathedral was in so great veneration for the beauty of the structure , that the canons came out of the town , and presented a petition to the king , wherein they requested him not to fire at the church , which he freely granted . the lines of circumvallation were no sooner finished , but the king commanded an assault to be made on the two half-moons on the castle side , which the french having soon made themselves masters of , they immediately began to undermine the ramparts ; this put the besieged into such a consternation that they desired to capitulate , and surrendred the town on very honourable conditions . but tho the town was lost , the castle held ●…ut still ; for the governour taking advantage of the cessation of arms , gave orders in the mean time to have some cannon and other necessary provisions got ready , commanded all the horses to be slain , only reserving ten for each company , and thus retired into the castle with all his souldiers , before the french had the least suspicion of it ; being resolved to sell the castle dearer than he had done the city . the king was obliged to cease for some time , not only because the french pioneers were repulsed by the besieged in a sally they had made to prevent their approach ; but also because he was informed that the prince of orange was marching to the relief of st. omers : he sent the duke of luxemburg with a great part of his army , to reinforce his brother the duke of orleance , who had set siege to that city , and had already finished his batteries . for the news of the great success which the french king had at valenciennes and cambray , and the siege of st. omers had so mightily alarmed the united provinces , that the prince of orange was forced to take the field , before the rest of the confederates were ready to joyn him . he assigned ipres for the general rendezvous of his army , which was composed of dutch , and some other troops drawn out of the spanish garrisons , and began his march on the th of april , and on the th arrived at st. mary capel , where he was informed that the d. of orleans lay encamped on the great road to st. omers , and had only left a few regiments in the trenches to keep the city blocked up . the straitness of the ways , which he was to pass , made his march very tedious , so that after he had marched all the next day , he advanced no farther than a small river called pene , on the other side of which he perceived the enemy drawn up in battle . the prince having consulted his guides , and those that knew the country , they all assured him that there was no other passage than this to go to bacque which they looked upon to be the only place by which st. omers might be reliev'd : upon this consideration he resolved to pass the river , and set upon the enemy ; and having ordered some new bridges to be made , and repaired those that the french had broke down , he accordingly passed it on the th of april by break of day , so that all were got over before the enemy was aware of them . but when he had passed it with his troops he was very much surprized to find that there was another river still between the french and him , encumbred with trees and hedges , altho those that were acquainted with the country had assured him of the contrary , so that he found himself strangely embarass'd , as not having in the least expcteed this second obstacle . but this did not hinder him from making himself master of the abby de pienes ; but in the mean time the enemy having received a reinforcement of fifteen thousand men came to attack the abby , where the prince's dragoons were posted , who being supported by some regiments of foot. received them so warmly that they were forced to retire . after this the prince set fire to the abby least the enemy should post themselves there . at the same time the french advanced slowly with the right wing of their army , to charge the prince's left wing in the flank , which was covered with abundance of hedges , where were likewise posted two battalions . the prince perceiving that the enemy had received some new recruits on that side , sent three fresh battalions to support his own , as likewise to guard the plain that was behind the hedges . but the two first regiments basely quitted their post upon the first approach of the enemy , so that the other three regiments that were sent to their assistance , having not sufficient time to adjust themselves , and seeing the two first battalions run away , betook themselves to their heels , and breaking into their own squadrons that stood there to cover them , occasioned an extraordinary confusion . upon this the french cavalry coming to advance , and being supported by the infantry that made perpetual firing , the prince's squadrons were beaten back , but they did not go far , and soon rallied again , and poured so vigorously upon the french that they made them fly , in their their turn . in the mean time the enemy's foot being advanced above , and having possessed the hedges , where the prince's men were posted before , they cou'd not possibly make a long resistance , nor hinder the rest of the foot from being attacked in the flank as well as the front. so that the foot , after they had done their duty extremely well , saw themselves obliged to quit their post ; and the prince repassing the rivet , retir'd in very good order to steenword , and from thence to poperdingue ; the enemy having been so rudely handled by count waldeck , who commanded the prince's right wing , that they had no desire to pursue him . and this was the issue of the battel at mont cassel . the prince having retired in this manner as we have related it , the french king pursued the siege of the cittadel of cambray with all imaginable vigor , and it fell out very unfortunately for the besieged , that a bomb set fire on one of their magazines , where the granadoes and other warlike provisions lay , and utterly consumed it . however the besieged continued to defend themselves bravely , and recompenced their loss in some manner by the death of the marquess de renel , one of the french king's lieutenant generals , who was slain by a cannon-shot from the castle . but at last the french having made several breaches , and the governour of the cittadel being wounded , they were constrained to yield to the great number , and continual attacks of the enemy , and to surrender the castle , which was done on very honorable conditions . to return to the duke of orleans , altho victorious , he was so afraid , lest the prince should once more attempt to throw relief into st , omers , that he durst not quit the field where the battle was fought , but kept himself upon his guard for eight days successively . but when he received the news that his highness had passed the canal of ghent with all his forces , he returned before the town , which he besieged with his whole army , and after a gallant resistance , which cost him several of his best officers , they were forced , against their will , to surrender upon good terms . after the taking of these places , the french heat began to be somewhat abated , and those that were so forward to attack others , were now content to act on the defensive all the rest of the summer , and durst never put it to the hazard of a battle , altho it was often presented to them . so that after several tedious marches and counter-marches on both sides , and the confederates ineffectual laying siege to charleroy , which for several weighty considerations they thought expedient to raise , the prince returned to the hague , being accompanied by the earl of ossory , don carlos , the duke of albemarle , and several other persons of quality . after he had given the states general an account of the last campaign , with the reasons that obliged him to raise the siege of charleroy , and not to attack the enemy , who were not only superior to him in number , but posted to the greatest advantage : their high and mightinesses thanked him for his conduct and indefatigable pains , humbly beseeching him still to continue his zeal for the public interest . a little after his return to the hague , several of the english nobility arrived at the prince's court who in an assembly of the states general gave them to understand , that his unkle the king of great britain , earnestly * desired him to make a voyage into england , in hopes that his presence there would not a little contribute to the peace then in agitation , which would be of such mighty advantage to the republic . thus his highness took his leave of the states , and of all thecolledges on the th of october , and being accompany'd by the earl of ossory , monsieur d' odyk , the count de nassau , and several other persons of condition , he embarqued at hellevoetsluys , in one of his majesties yatchs , and arrived at harwich on the th about ten in the morning , where the duke of albemarle , and the master of the ceremonies attended him in the king's coaches , and conducted him the same evening to the king and his royal highness , at ipswich , who received him with all the testimonies of a particular kindness and affection . on the d he arrived with the two royal brothers at whitehall , and was lodged in the duke of york's apartment , who retired to st. iames's . what was at first nothing but a bare surmize , was soon after confirmed by the king himself : for on the first of november , his majesty acquainted the council with his design to marry the prince of orange to his royal highness's eldest daughter , declaring that he hoped this alliance would facilitate the accomplishment of a general peace , which his majesty was resolved to advance as far as the interest of his kingdoms did engage him . after this the whole council went in a body to compliment the princess , and afterwards the prince ; the rest of the nobility did the same after their example . the prince of orange acquainted the states with it by an express , giving them to understand , that after he had maturely weigh'd the reasons which might incline him to marry , he thought he could not make a better choice than the princess mary ; that he had already demanded her in marriage of the king , and his royal highness her father , who immediately gave their consent : that he judged it advisable to inform them of it , expecting their approbation of the match with all speed , that he might the sooner repair to them for the service of his country . hereupon the states general were assembled , and seriously considering the reasons of state upon which this marriage was founded , with the great advantages it might produce ; as for instance , a confirmation of that strict union that was between the king of great britain , and the states of the united provinces ; the establishment of the ancient house of orange , and the conclusion of the peace , so earnestly desired : i say , after they had seriously considered all this , but especially the happy choice his highness had made of a princess , who besides her natural sweetness , possessed all the virtues that a husband could desire , testified their approbation by a public edict , in terms full of joy and satisfaction , declaring moreover the mighty esteem they had of so glorious an alliance , and their sincere resolution to cultivate the ancient friendship and good correspondence which had always been , and was between his britanic majesty and them . this answer arriving at london on the t h of november , which was his highness's birth-day , the marriage was celebrated at eleven at night , but with so little noise , that the people knew nothing of it till the next morning , when they gave all public testimonies of their joy by ringing of bells , and bone fires . but amidst all this rejoycing and feasting , the prince knowing how necessary his presence was in holland , made all possible expedition to arrive thither . he parted from london on the th of november with his princess , and landed at terheyde , from whence he went to hounslaerdyk , where they tarried some time , till they made their public entry into the hague , which was a few days after performed with extraordinary magnificence . but i pass all these ceremonies over in silence , in order to come to matters of greater importance . towards the beginning of the year , tho it was the midst of winter , the french king made such mighty preparations of war , that all europe was alarmed at them , but particularly holland and the consederates . this made the king of great britain send the earl of feversham to his most christian majesty with a project of peace , by which charleroy , aeth , oudenard , courtray , tournay , conde , valenciennes , st. guillain , and some other towns were to be surrendred to the spaniards , and the king of france to keep all the franche-comte in his possession , but he would not hearken to it ; and as for the king of england he was as unwilling to abate any thing in his propositions . which obliged his britannic majesty to sent orders to my lord hyde his ambassador at nimeguen , to make a strict alliance with the states-general ; which being concluded , he dispatched my lord montague into france to press the king to accept his terms , and gave out commissions at the same time for raising an army ; but the french king rejected these conditions of peace , and made great provisions for the war on all sides but especially in his new acquisitions in the low countries . upon which the king of england recalled the troops he had in the service of france , which besides their other ill treatment were sent home without their pay . the king of great britain held firm to his resolution , and summoning a parliament , communicated to them the late alliance he had made with holland , for the public benefit and repose of christendom , protesting he was resolved to force the french king to a peace , and therefore desired them to furnish him with a summ of money necessary for such a design . the lower house thanked his majesty for the great care he took of the protestant religion , in marrying his niece to a protestant prince , beseeching him not to consent to any conditions of peace with france , unless they were better than those at the pyrenean treaty . to which the king having consented , the commons after a long deliberation resolved to equip a fleet of fourscore and ten men of war , and to raise an army of land men , and nominated commissioners to compute the expence . whilst these things lay under debate , the french king who was sensible what designs the consederates were forming against him , resolved to render them all ineffectual , by being before hand with them . for this effect he left paris on the th of february , and marching by the side of mets , entred flanders , no one being able to determine where the storm would fail . all the world was of opinion that the design was upon mons , or namur , or some other place of like importance ; and ghent which never expected to be attack'd , had so weakned itsgarrison by drawing out their men , and distributing them in other places , that the french king , who knew this very well , sate down before it on the st of march with an army of threescore orfourscore thousand men . it was impossible for a city of so large a compass , which had not above four or five hundred soldiers in garrison , besides the inhabitants , to defend themselves long against a vain-glorious prince , who valued the taking of a half-moon more than the loss of a thousand men ; and who by his assaults and batteries had extreamly weaken'd it . so ghent was forced to surrender nine days after it was besieged , from thence the enemy came before ipres , but that city being much stronger than ghent , and besides furnished with a better garrison , the besiegers met so warm an opposition there , and lost so many officers and soldiers before they took it , that the king put the greatest part of his army immediately into garrison , and returned to paris : whether he thought his army sufficiently harrass'd by these two sieges , or whether he thought he had humbled his enemies enough to incline them now to accept his own proposals of a peace , or lastly whether he was afraid of the english , who had sent considerable forces into flanders . for about this time the d. of monmouth was arrived at bruges with three thousand horse and foot , which the k. of great britain had sent to re-inforce the prince of orange's army ; and the parliament was so earnestly bent to pursue the war against france , that they petitioned the king to declare open war against it , promising to stand by him with their lives and fortunes , and to furnish him from time to time with sufficient summs to carry on so generous an undertaking . in the mean time all the world was astonished to ●…ear that the french king had intirely abandon'd messina and all sicily . the more able politicians imagined that now there were no hopes of a peace , since this prince had abandon'd his conquests in italy , as he had lately done those in holland , for no other end but that he might the better compass his designs upon spain and the empire . but others said , it was an infallible sign he was not so strong as he pretended to be , and that what he had done , was rather out of meer necessity , than for any other end . however it was , the parliament of england were of belief that france was resolved to continue the war in germany and the low countries ; and therefore to stop his career granted his majesty a poll-bill , and by the same act prohibited the importation of all french commodities . king charles , who was desirous to enter into a league with the empire , spain , and the united provinces , would oblige them to make the same prohibition in relation to french goods , in their own respective dominions . but while the hollanders were demurring upon the last point , believing that such a prohibition would ruine their trade , an unexpected accident fell out that changed the whole face of affairs . the king of france , after his return to paris seeing his britannic majesty was resolved to support the interests of his nephew the prince of orange , particularly since his voyage into england , and his marriage with his niece , formed of himself a project of peace , which he sent to his ambassador at nimeguen , there to be distributed amongst the other ambassadors and mediators by those of england . the chief of these propositions were , that the king of sweden and the duke of gottorp should be intirely satisfied . that the prince and bishop of stasburg should be restored to all his demains , goods , honours and prerogatives ; and that his brother prince william of furstemberg , should be set at liberty . that as for the emperour , he should alter nothing in the public declarations that were made at the treaty of westphalia ; only he offer'd either to keep philipsburg and give up friburg , or else to keep friburg , and give up philipsburg . that as for spain , he would restore charleroy , aeth , oudenard , courtray , ghent , and st. guillain with their dependances , but in recompence demanded all the franche comté , valenciennes , bouchain , condè , cambray , aire , and st. omers , with all their dependances . in a word all the places he was in possession off , except those above mentioned . besides he consented to surrender charlemont , or dinant , to the catholic king , provided the bishop of leige and the emperor agreed to it . that as for what concerned the states general , besides the satisfaction he gave them by what he yielded up to spain , he wou'd restore maestricht to them , and continue the same treaty of commerce they enjoy'd before : and as for the interests of the duke of lorrain , he was willing to re-establish him , according to the pirenean treaty , or to surrender all his territories to him except the city of nancy , but that by way of recompence he would give him toul , reserving nevertheless to himself a passage from his frontiers into alsatia , and the roads that would be necessary to him , from france to nancy , and from nancy to mets , brisac , and the franche-comte . that the confines between spain and the low-countries , to begin from the sea , should be the meuse , nieuport , dixmuyde , courtrdy , oudenard , aeth , mons , charleroy , and namur , and that these confines should be secured by these places , since they had cost him some millions to fortify , and by quitting them he deprived himself of the advantage of marching up to the gates of brussels whenever he pleased . these conditions were liked by some , but disapproved by others . the states general for instance had no reason to reject them , but the ministers of the allies , in a conference at the hague , absolutely rejected them as unjust and unreasonable . after several warm disputes upon this occasion the spaniards began at last to comply , and that the more because they saw both england and holland consented to the proposals of france . besides this , their affairs grew every day worse and worse , by the considerable loss of fort leeuw , which was much about this time unfortunately surprized by the french. but what served wholly to determine them , was the return of the french king , who besides an army he had near brussels , had two more not far off , one upon the rhine , and the other between the meuse and the sambre , which threatned nothing less than the entire loss of the spanish netherlands , in case the hollanders made a peace without them , and continued neuters after it , during the course of this war ; to which the king of france earnestly perswaded them . the spaniards therefore being constrained to yield to the necessity of their affairs , declared they were ready to accept these conditions of peace . upon which the states general were very urgent with the other allies to give their consent ; and upon the delay of the ministers who amused themselves with making memorials and replies , dispatched express orders to their ambassadors at nimeguen to conclude the treaty out of hand . but they were extreamly surprized when the plenipotentiares of france refused to sign it , for they demanded that intire satisfaction should be given to the king of sweden , protesting that in case of refusal , the king their master would conclude nothing . this started new difficulties , and gave occasion to the states general to make fresh complaints of the procedure of the king of france , after they had so frankly submitted to the conditions which he himself had proposed . that king's answer was , that he should come to st. quintin , where he wou'd carry six days for the commissioners whom they should send to adjust this difference . but the states thinking they had done enough on their part , resolved in the presence of the prince of orange to send no body till the treaty was signed . the news of this difference , and of the resolution of the hollanders to continue the war , unless the king of france would somewhat abate the interests of sweden , being arrived into england , the parliament who before had voted to disband the army , which the king had raised both by sea and land , were now resolved to keep it on foot . his majesty sent part of the army over to flanders , and made a league offensive and defensive with the united provinces ; wherein a very short time was limited for the french king to sign the treaty , or declare his further pretensions . this resolute conduct of the king of great britain put an end to this troublesome affair , so the treaty of peace between france and holland was signed on the th of august , at midnight . 't is certain the french king had done better not to have refined so much in his politics , for it had like to have cost him the entire loss of the d. of luxemburg's army . mons had been a long time blocked up by the french , and was now in a manner reduced to the last extremities , when the prince of orange receiving advice that the confederates had joined the army of spain and holland , which was near the canal of brussels , he parted by night from the hague on the of iuly . immediately after his arrival he call'd a council of war , with the generals of the allies , where it was resolved that they should decamp and pursue the duke of luxemburg , who marched by mons with a design to hinder any relief from being put into the town . thus resolved , the prince parted with the whole army at the beginning of august , and no sooner had he left brussels , but general spaen joyned him with a reinforcement of six thousand men of the elector of brandenburg , and the bishop of munster . the french who had rested some days at soignes , hearing of the prince of orange's march , suddenly decamped , and the confederate army encamped in the very same place where the enemy had been the day before . his highness marching from thence , on the side of rocles , advanced with his left wing as far as the abby of st. denys , where the duke of luxemburg had his quarter . and as this post was in a manner inaccessible , by reason of the woods , the briars and precipices it was encompass'd with , the duke so little dreamt of being attack'd , that he was at dinner when they brought him word , that the prince of orange was coming to surprize him , and so he was forced to retire in some disorder . the prince had castrau before his right wing , which the duke had gained in great precipitation , and it was happy for him that this place was as hard to be got to , as the other he quitted . in the mean time his highness , whom these difficulties did not discourage , had no sooner drawn out his army to battel , but he was resolved to beat the enemy out of his new post , and sending for his artillery ordered it to play upon the french , who were posted a little higher on one side of a cloister near st. denys , which the duke of luxemburg thought he might defend well enough with his cannon . but it was impossible for them to sustain the shock of the confederate dragoons , who beat them from this post , and made themselves masters of the cloister , while general collier , advanced on the side of the abby , and seconded by general delwick , broke through the narrow ways , and mounting these horrible precipices with an invincible courage , routed the enemiy who for some time made a vigorous resistance in their lines . in the midst of this engagement the prince accompanied by the duke of monmouth , who fought by his side all the day , and encouraged with his good success , cried out , follow me , follow me , to encourage those regimens that were to second the first . both sides were very liberal of their powder and ball , and all the regiments of the left wing seconded one another till night with the same vigour and resolution . count horn on his side approached nearer with his cannon , and ordered it to play on the french battalions in the valley , where he caused a terrible slaughter . from thence his highness advanced with speed to castrau , which was attack'd by the spaniards on the side of the right wing , where the prince's regiment of guards led the van , under the command of count solmes , who being seconded by the duke of holstein's regiment , and by the english , forced the enemies at last to quit the place the regiment of foot guards continued in action with the french for the space of five hours , and pursued them a quarter of a league through fields and precipices . 't is certainly a thing hardly to be believ'd , that men should be capable of making such brave efforts in places so extremely disadvantageous , and several persons who have viewed and examined them since , say there are few places in the world naturally so strong . the earl of ossory did wonders with his english at a small distance from the foot guards , where the french lost abundance of men. but the prince in the heat of the action advanced so far that he was in great danger of being lost , had not monsieur onwerkerk come seasonably to his relief , and killed an adventurous captain that was just going to let fly a pistol at him . the cavalry did nothing all this while by reason of the uneven scituation of the place , so that all the execution lay upon the infantry and dragoons . night put an end to the dispute , by the favour of which the duke of luxemburg made his retreat without noise , and retired towards mons and covered himself with a wood on one side , and a river on the other , leaving to his highness as marks of victory , the field where the battle was fought , the greatest part of the wounded , abundance of tents and baggage , with a world of powder , and other warlike ammunition . the states general receiving the news of so great a success , sent commissioners to the prince to congratulate him for the victory he had gained with so much glory and reputation , and for the signal actions by him performed in this last battle to the great hazard of his life . and to testify what a value they set upon his preservation , they presented monsieur onwerkerk who had so generously opposed himself to the danger that threatned his highness , with a sword , whose handle was of massy gold , a pair of pistols set with gold , and a whole horse furniture of the same metal . the prince of orange having thus obliged the duke of luxemburg to retire , had without question pushed his point , and thrown relief into the town , but as he was consulting how to effect it , word was brought him that the king of france , and the states general had accommodated all differences . the success of this battle hasten'd the conclusion of the treaty between spain and france , which was signed on the th of september , to the great praise of the king of england ; who having joyn'd the terrour of his arms to the authority of his mediation , had for his recompence the satisfaction to see the peace and general welfare of europe given as a portion with his neice , while the two great alliances between france and holland , and between spain and france , were the and happy effects of the conjugal alliance between his highness and the princess mary of england . the war being thus ended between france and the united provinces , his highness had time now to breath himself after the fatigues and hurries of the last campaigns : for after the ratification of the peace , and the restitution of mastricht to the states , the king of france no more disturbed the low countries with the terrour of his arms , so that when his highness had reformed all those innovations that had been introduced by the french when they were masters of the country , the people began to enjoy the repose and tranquillity they had so long desired . but matters were not so soon adjusted between the kings of france and spain . by the treaty concluded between the two crowns , it was agreed that commissioners should meet at cambray to regulate any disputes that might happen about the limits : this was in the year . but after several tedious contests occasioned by the excessive pretentions of the french , who demanded whole provinces in the nature of dependances , to be delivered into their hands , the war was like to have kindled afresh , till at last by the unwearied mediation of the states general a treaty was signed at the hague on the th of iune , after which his most christian majesty having accommodated all differences with the emperour , by some other articles of the same nature , a truce of twenty years was agreed upon : which being ratified , tho not without some delays on the side of the spaniards , all those devastations and ravages that for the course of several years had ruin'd the finest country in europe , began to cease . in the midst of all these negotiations , which the states seldom or never treated of , but in the presence of the prince of orange , whom they still consulted in the most difficult affairs , his highness show'd an extraordinary generosity ; for when every one was minding his particular interests , he neglected his own , and preferr'd the peace and welfare of his country , to that reparation he might justly expect for the great losses he sustain'd in his own demains . for while the king of france burnt and ravaged the low countries , in order to force the spaniards to accept his offers , a great part of the prince's patrimony in brabant underwent the common calamities . the same thing happen'd when luxemburg and the franche-comte came to change their masters ; prince d'isenguyn , supported by the authority of france , exposed to sale by sound of trumpet all the lands , furniture and goods of his highness , as having been adjudged to him by a formal decree of the parliament of that country . the provinces of gueldres , zealand and utrecht , made great complaints in his highnesses name , but were not able to get satisfaction done him . nor suffer'd he less injustice in the principality of orange , where the walls of his capital city were demolished , the university disfranchized , the inhabitants barbarously plundered , forced to send the young students home to their parents , and forbidden to educate any of the reformed religion for the future ; all which was directly contrary to the faith of the late treaty . but when the states represented the great injustice of this procedure , the court of france return'd them no other answer save only this , viz. that they had good reasons for what they did . as soon as the truce was confirmed , the states were of opinion they might now disband their supernumerary forces , and the deputies of amsterdam wou'd without any further delay reform the recruits they had made the year before ; but all the members coming to this conclusion , that nothing ought to be done without the advice of the prince of orange , his highness , upon the mention of this proposal , assured them that no one more earnestly desired the ease of the people than himself ; but however he wou'd never consent , till their affairs both at home and abroad were in a better posture of security , to leave the country naked and defenceless . the states were soon perswaded to follow this advice , and accordingly resolved to keep their troops as long as the necessity of their affairs demanded it . and now from the conclusion of the peace till the year , when his highness made his wonderful expedition into england , we have nothing remarkable in this prince's history . what was the success of that prodigious descent , and by what means the ensuing revolution was carried on , which has occasioned so mighty an alteration in this western part of the world , as it is sufficiently known to every english reader , so a just narration of all the surprizing incidents requires a person of more leisure and greater abilities than my self . finis . notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a -e ☞ excuse the man , and don 't pronounce his doom , poor soul ! he left his calepine at rome . notes for div a -e * according to the new stile , which i have all along followed with my author . * a great and stately city upon the scheld , built , as 't is commonly pretended , by the emperour valentinian . * sir w. temple in his memoirs represents this matter otherwise , for there we are told that k. ch. the d . was so far from courting the prince to come to visit him , that he was apprehensive of his arrival . the whole comical works of monsr. scarron ... a great part of which never before in english / translated by mr. tho. brown, mr. savage, and others. selections. english. scarron, monsieur, - . approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : - (eebo-tcp phase ). a wing s estc r ocm this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) the whole comical works of monsr. scarron ... a great part of which never before in english / translated by mr. tho. brown, mr. savage, and others. selections. english. scarron, monsieur, - . brown, thomas, - . savage, john, - . [ ], [i.e. ], , [ ], p. : port. printed for s. and j. sprint ... j. nicholson ... r. parker ... and benj. tooke ..., london : . first ed. of this translation. two pages of ms. inserted following p. . reproduction of original in newberry library. (from t.p.) i. his comical romance of a company of stageplayers. in three parts, compleat -- ii. all his novels and histories -- iii. his select letters, characters, &c. created by converting tcp files to tei p using tcp tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between and available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the , texts created during phase of the project have been released into the public domain as of january . anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. % (or pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf- unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p , characters represented either as utf- unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng - tcp assigned for keying and markup - aptara keyed and coded from proquest page images - tcp staff (michigan) sampled and proofread - john latta text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion attack'd by sickness , & to pain a prey , i keep my humour chearfull still , & gay , with ●●●●r grimace , & magisterial pride those ●anting sots the stoicks pain defied , yet fell beneath the burthen , ●●● t was tryed : none but my self did ere that pitch attain to sport with misery , & jest in pain novel . the whole comical works of mons r. scarron . containing i. his comical romance of a company of stage-players . in three parts , compleat . ii. all his novels and histories . iii. his select letters , characters , &c. a great part of which never before in english. translated by mr. tho. brown , mr. savage , and others . — ridiculum ●●●i fortius & melius mag 〈…〉 rumque secat res . hor. rebus in angustis facilè est contemnere vitam : fortiter ille facit , qui miser esse potest . mart. london , printed for s. and i. sprint , at the bell , and i. nicholson , at the king 's - arms in little-britain ; r. parker , under the royal-exchange , and benj. tooke , at the middle-temple-gate in fleet-street . mdcc . a character of monsieur scarron's works , in a letter from the famous monsieur de balzac to monsieur castor . the book you sent me from monsieur scarron , was a very acceptable present , and such a one as i am obliged to set a great value upon so long as i live . i had scarce open'd it , but it perform'd a cure upon me , and gave me ease in a cruel fit of the spleen , which had certainly done my business , had not this cordial come so seasonably to my relief . i hope it will work greater cures , if i often apply it . perhaps it will rid me of my pensive melancholy , and philosophical sadness : perhaps it will teach me to rhyme , and make me chearful by contagion . to deal plainly with you , this friend of ours monsieur scarron , is a strange sort of a gentleman . with all his distempers he has something in him tho' i know not how to describe it , better than health , i mean , a stupid , insensible health ; for i need not tell you that the arabians call joy the quintessence and elixir of a lively , active health . now since you are desirous to know my different thoughts upon our author , and require me to say something particular upon this head ; i must tell you that he is either the most dissembling , or the most resolute man in the universe . i farther add , that he is a living testimony that mankind is not so effeminate , as 't is commonly believed , unless pain uses him more gently than it does other men. one that has convers'd with his writings , and sees him so merry in his afflictions , would think that the executioner flatter'd the sufferer . i never see him laugh in the midst of his torments , but he makes me think that his pain does not give him any smart , but only titillation . in short , i will affirm , that the prom●theus , the hercules , and philoctetes in our fables , to say nothing of iob in his real history , speak abundance of great and manly things in the height of their pains , but nothing that is gay and cheerful . among the ancients , i have frequently met with those griefs that have been sedate and calm , that have appear'd to be wise and eloquent , but i never found a grief that was cheerful till now ; or a soul that was able to dance a saraband or a jigg in a paralytical body . so pleasant a prodigy as this , deserves the consideration of our curious virtuosos . history ought not to forget it● and if ever the whim takes me to set up for an historian , as i am already an historiographer , i shall reckon it among the greatest miracles of our time , which has been so fruitful in miracles . what wou'd not your friend seneca have said upon so noble a subject , he that took so much pleasure to treat of these matters , and so often sought opportunities to do it ? is it not a plain case , that that arrogant and haughty virtue , which is so extravagantly commended by him , and pretends to be at ease even in phalaris's bull , nay , maintains , that pain it self is a blessing , falls infinitely short of this easie and humble virtue , which can put in execution the paradoxes of the stoicks , without the least touch of their ostentation● let us therefore conclude in honour of our author , that either there is something of extasy and possession in his distemper , and that his soul performs it's functions apart , without concerning it self with his body , or that he is a man of extraordinary resolution and vigour , and that in the perpetual dispute between his soul and his body , the nobler part finds those advantages over the other , which the strongest use to have over the weakest . to the courteous reader that never saw me . unknown friend , who never saw'st me in thy life , and perhaps never troubledst thy self much about it , because there is no great matter to be got by the sight of such a fellow as i am ; be it known unto thee that neither am i very desirous thou shouldst see my person , but that i have been inform'd that some facetious gentlemen make themselves merry at the expence of an unhappy wretch , and describe me another sort of a monster , than really i am . some of them give out , that my rump-bone sticks out like the ace of spades , by the same token that it perforates all my breeches , and that i am set upon a table in a cage , where i chatter like a blind magpy . and others will tell you , and swear to it too if you 'd have them , that my hat is fasten'd to a cord that runs through a pully , and that i pluck it up or let it down , when i am to compliment and friend , that does me the honour of a visit. i therefore thought my self obliged in conscience and all that , to prevent their telling so many horrid lyes , and for this reason order'd my picture to be engraved , as thou seest it , in the beginning of this book . i know thou wilt grumble , courteous reader , for every reader in the world is a grumbletonian more or less ; and for my part , i can grum●le as well as the best of them , when 't is my turn to be a reader . thou wilt grumble in thy gizzard , i say , and snarl , and quarrel , and huff , and puff , because forsooth , i show thee my back-side . but prithee , old friend , don't be too choleric . assure thy self that i did not do it with a design to turn my breech upon the company ; but only because the convexity of my back is more proper to receive an inscription , than the concavity of my stomach , which is wholly covered by the pent-house of my head , that hangs over it , and because the situation , or rather the irregular plan of my person may be seen as well behind as before . i am not such a coxcomb as to pretend to make a present to the public ( for by those iolly damosels the nine muses , i swear and protest that i never dreamt in my life of seeing my head stamped in a medal ) but i would have had my picture drawn , if i cou'd have found a painter bold enough to take my phyz in black and white . for want of a picture therefore i 'le describe my self to thee as near as i can . i am past thirty , as thou mayst see by the back of my chair . if i live to be forty , i shall add the lord knows how many misfortunes to those i have already suffer'd for these eight or nine years last past . there was a time when my stature was not to be found fault with , tho' now t is of the smallest . my sickness has taken me shorter by a foot : my head is somewhat too bigg considering my height , and my face is full enough in all conscience for one that carries such a skeleton of a body about him . i have hair enough on my head not to stand in need of a periwig , and 't is gray too , in spite of the proverb . my sight is good enough , tho' my eyes are large ; they are of a blew colour , and one of them is sunk deeper into my head than the other , which was occasion'd by my leaning on that side . my nose is well enough mounted . my teeth , that in the days of yore looked like a row of square pearl , are now of an ashen colour , and in a few years more , will have the complexion of a smallcoal man's saturday shirt . i have lost one tooth and a half on the left side , and two and a half precisely on the right , and i have two more that stand somewhat out of their ranks . my legs and my thighs in the first place compose an obtuse angle , then an equal angle , and lastly an acute angle . my thighs and my body make another , and my head leaning perpetually over my belly , i fancy i am not very unlike the letter z. my arms are shortned as well as my legs , and my fingers as well as my arms. in short , i am a living epitome of humane misery . this , as near as i can give it , is my shape . since i am got so far , i will e'en tell thee something of my humour . vnder the rose be it spoken , courteous reader , i do this only to swell the bulk of my book , at the request of the bookseller , the poor dog it seems being afraid that he should be a loser by this impression , if he did not give the courteous reader enough for his money . were it not for this , 't wou'd be to no purpose this digression as well as a thousand more . but to our comfort be it said , ours is not the first age that people play'd the fools out of complaisance , not to reckon the follies they commit of their own heads . i was always a little cholerick , a little given to my guts , and a little lazy . i frequently call my man son of a whore and fool , and a little after call him sir. i hate no man , and could wish all the world did the same by me . i am as blithe as a bird when i have mony , and should be much more so , were i in health . i am merry enough in company . i am content enough when alone . i bear all my ills pretty patiently . and now as i humbly conceive , the porch is big enough for the house , and 't is high time for me to conclude . scarron's comical romance . part i. chap. i. company of strollers come● to the town of mans. bright phoebus had already perform'd above half his career ; and his chariot having past the meridian , and got on the declivity of the sky , roll'd on swifter than he desir'd . had his horses been willing to make use of the sl●pingness of their way , they might have finish'd the remainder of the day in less than half a quarter of an hour : but instead of pulling amain , they curvetted about , snu●●ing a briny air , which set them a neighing , and made them sensible that they were near the sea , where their father is said to take his rest every night . to speak more like a man , and in plainer terms ; it was betwixt five and six of the clock , when a cart came into the market-place of mans. this cart was drawn by two yoke of lean oxen , led by a breeding mare , who had a colt that skipp'd to and fro● about the cart , like a silly creature as he w●● . the cart was loaden with trunks , portmantles , and great packs of painted clothes , that made a sort of pyramid ; on the top , of which ●at a da●●sel , in a half-city , half-country dress . a young man , as poor in cloaths , as rich in m●en , walk●d by the side of the cart : he had a great patch on his face , which covered one of his eyes , and half of one ch●●k● and carri●d a ●ong birding-piece over his shoulder , 〈…〉 several magpies , jayes , and crows , which made a sort of a 〈◊〉 ; at the bottom of which hung a hen and a goose , that look'd as they had been taken from the enemy by way of plunder . instead of a hat he wore a night-cap , tied about his head with garters of several colours ; and this head-dress was without doubt a kind of unfinish'd turbant . his doublet was a griset-coat , girt over with a leather thong ; which serv'd likewise to support a rapier so very long , that it could not be us'd dextrously without the help of a rest. he wore a pair of breeches tuck'd up to above the middle of his thighs , like those that players wear when they represent an ancient hero ; and instead of shoes he wore tragick buskins , which were bespatter'd with dirt up to the ancles . an old man , something more regular in his dress , tho' in very ordinary cloaths , walk'd by his side . he carried a base-viol over his shoulders ; and because he stoop'd a little as he went along , one might have taken him at a distance for a great tortoise walking upon his hind-feet . some critick or other will perhaps find fault with the comparison , by reason of the disproportion between a tortoise and a man : but i speak of those great tortoises that are found in the indies ; and besides , i make bold to use the simile upon my own authority . let 's return to our strolling company . they went by the tennis-court at the hind ; before which were assembled several of the chief men of the town . the novelty of their equipage , and the noise of the mob , who by this time had gathered about the cart , drew the eyes of all those honourable burgh-masters upon our unknown travellers , among the rest , a * lieutenant of the provost , la rappiniere by name , made up to them , and with the authority of a magistrate , ask'd them , who they were ? the young man , whom i describ'd before , without offering to pull off his turbant ( because with one of his hands he held his gun , and with the other the hilt of his sword , lest it should beat against his legs ) answer'd him , that they were frenchmen by birth , and players by profession● that his stage-name was destiny ; his old comrades rancour ; and the gentlewomen ( who sat roosting like a hen on the top of their baggage ) cave . this odd name set some of the company a laughing ; whereupon the young stroller added , that the name of cave ought not to seem more strange to men of wit than those of la montagne , valley , rose , or thorn. the conversation ended with the noise of blows ; and cursing , and swearing , which was heard before the cart. this squabble was occasion'd by the servant of the tennis-court falling foul upon the carter , without saying why , or wherefore , because his oxen and his mare were a little too free with a heap of hay which stood before the door . however the fray was parted ; and the mistress of the tennis-court , who lov'd to hear a play more than to hear a sermon or vespers , out of unheard of generosity in a keeper of a tennis-court , bid the carter let his cattel eat their belly-full . he took her at her word : and whilst the hungry beasts were feeding , the author rested a while , and bethought himself what he should say in the second chapter . chap. ii. what sort of man la rappiniere was . the sieur la rappiniere was at that time the droll or jester of mans ; for you must know , that there is not a town , though never so small , but has its jester . the city of paris has several in each ward ; and i my self might have been the jester of mine , had i been willing to it : but every body knows , that 't is a long time since i have forsaken all the vanities of this world. to return to monsieur la rappiniere ; he soon renew'd the conversation which the squabble had interrupted , and ask'd the young player , whether their compapany consisted only in mistress cave , monsieur rancour , and himself ? our company , answer'd he , is as compleat as that of the prince of orange , or of his grace the duke d'epernon ; but through a misfortune that befel us at tours , where our rattle-headed door-keeper kill'd one of the fuziliers of the intendant of the province , we were forc'd to fly in a hurry , and in the sad pickle you see us in . those fuziliers of the intendants , said la rappiniere , have done as much at la flesche ; a pox take them , said the mistress of the tennis-court , 't is long of them we shall have no plays . nay , answer'd the old stroller , had we but the keys of our trunks , we might entertain the town for four or five days before we reach alençon , where the rest of our company are to rendezvous . the player's answer made every body prick up their ears : la rappiniere offer'd an old gown of his wife 's to cave ; and the tennis-woman two or three suits of clothes , which were left in pawn , to destiny and rancour . but , added some of the assistants , there is but three of you . no matter for that , reply'd rancour , for i once acted a play by my self , and represented the king , the queen , and the ambassador . i us'd a false treble tone when i personated the queen ; i spoke through the nose for the ambassador , and address'd my self to the crown which i plac'd upon a chair ; and as for the king , i resum'd my seat , my crown , and my gravity , and lower'd the key of my voice into a base . now , to convince you , if you will satisfie our carter , defray our charges in the inn , and lend us what clothes you can spare , we will act before night ; else we must beg leave to go to drink , or rest our selves , for we are come a great way . the company lik'd the proposal , and that devil la rappiniere , who was ever hatching some mischief or other , said , there was no occasion for any other clothes but those of two young men of the town , who were then playing a set at tennis , and that mistress cave in her ordinary dress , might pass for any thing in a play. no sooner said but done ; in less than half a quarter of an hour the strollers drank three or four glasses of wine apiece , shifted themselves ; and the company , who by this time had encreas'd into a full audience , having taken their places in an upper room , a dirty cloath , instead of a painted curtain , was drawn up , and discover'd destiny lying on a quilt , with a strawberry basket on his head , instead of a crown , rubbing his eyes , like one who wakes out of his sleep , and mouthing in the tone of mondory , the part of herod , which begins thus : injurious phantom , that disturbs my rest. the patch which cover'd one half of his face , did not hinder him from shewing himself 〈◊〉 be an excellent player : madam cave acted to admiration the parts of mariana , and salome ; rancour pleas'd every body in his ; and the play was carrying on to a happy conclusion , when the devil , who never sleeps , interpos'd , and made the tragedy end , not with the death of mariana , and herod's despair , but with a thousand cuffs , and boxes on the ears , as many kicks , numberless oaths ; and last of all , a verbal process and information , which was taken by la rappiniere , the most skilful of all men in those matters . chap. iii. what deplorable success the play had . in all the inferiour towns of the kingdom , there 's generally a tennis-court , where all the idle people use to resort , some to play , others only to look on . 't is in those places where cursing and swearing passes for a rhetorical flourish , and where the absent are murder'd with the tongue ; no man 'scapes scot-free ; there all live in open defiance , and every body is admitted to rail , according to the talent he has receiv'd from the lord. 't was in one of these tennis-courts , if my memory fails me not , that i left three comical persons , reciting mariana before an honourable company ; at which presided monsieur la rappiniere . now while herod and mariana were telling one another of their faults , the two young men , whose clothes they had so freely borrowed , came into the room in their drawers , and each of 'em his racket in his hand , having neglected to get themselves rubb'd , that they might come and hear the play. they were not long in the room before they perceiv'd that herod and pherores had their clothes on ; and the most passionate of the two addressing himself to the waiter of the tennis-court ; thou son of a bitch , said he to him , why didst thou give my clothes to that mountebank ? the innocent waiter , who knew him to be a bruitish sort of a man , told him in great humility , that he had no hand in it . who then , scoundrel ? added he . the poor fellow durst not accuse la rappiniere in his presence ; but he , the most insolent of all men , rising from his seat , told him , 't is i ; what have you to say to it ? that you are a coxcomb , reply'd the other ; and at the same time gave him a desperate blow over the pate with his racket . la rappiniere was so surpriz'd to be struck first , whereas he us'd to be beforehand with others , that he stood motionless , either out of admiration , or because he was not yet angry enough , and that 't was not a small provocation that could make him resolve to fight , were it but at fifty-cuffs . nay , perhaps the quarrel had gone no further , had not his man , who was more cholerick than he , fallen foul upon the aggressor , and dealt him a sound cuff on the chops , and in the middle of his face , and afterwards a great many others where he cou'd find room for them . la rappiniere charg'd him behind , and work't on him like one that had receiv'd the first provocation : a relation of his adversary invested la rappinere in the same manner . this relation was attack'd by one of la rappinierr's friends , in order to make a diversion : this combatant was assaulted by another , and this last again by another . in short , the whole audience divided into parties ; some curst and swore ; others call'd names ; all beat one another . the tennis-woman who saw her goods broken to pieces , rent the air with doleful cries . in all probability they had all been murder'd with stools , kicks , and cuffs , had not some of the magistrates of the town ( who walk'd in the piazza of the market-place , with des essars , seneschal of mayne ) ran with all speed to the squabble . some propos'd to throw two or three pails full of water on the combatants ; and perhaps this way might have been successful ; but however they gave over fighting through weariness : besides two capuchins , who out of charity flung themselves into the field of battle , procur'd , not a firm peace , betwixt the contending parties , but a sort of truce ; during which a negotiation was set on foot , without derogating from the informations that were taken on both sides , in order to a tryal in due course of law. destiny , one of the strolliers , perform'd wonders at boxing ; and his great actions are talk'd of to this very day in the town of mans , according to the faithful account deliver'd by the two young men that rais'd the squabble , whom he particularly engag'd , and almost cuff'd to death ; besides a great many others of the enemy , whom he disabled with the first blow . he lost his patch in the scuffie , and people took notice that his face was as fine as his shape . the bloody noses were handsomly wash'd with clean water : those that had their bands torn , put on others instead of them ; cataplasms were applyed where need requir'd ; some few stitches serv'd to darn many a torn doublet ; and the houshold-goods were set in their proper places , tho not so sound and whole as they were before . in short , a moment after there remain'd nothing of the right but a great spite and animosity , which appear'd in the faces of those of both parties . the poor strollers went out a long while after the combat with la rappiniere , who was still for making speeches . in their way from the tennis-court to the market-place they were invested by seven or eight bullies with swords in their hands ; la rappiniere , according to custom , was in a great fright , and indeed not without a cause , had not destiny generously thrust himself between him and a sword which was going to run him through ; however he could not so well put by the blow , but that he receiv'd a small wound in the arm. thereupon he drew his sword , and in the twinkling of an eye , beat two swords out of the hands of the enemy , broke two or three sculls , batter'd and slash'd as many faces and discomfited so well the gentlemen of the ambuscade , that all the assistants unanimously confest , they never had seen so valiant a champion . this abortive plot was laid against la rappiniere , by two squires , one of which was married to the sister of him , who begun the fight with a great blow with a racket , and in all likelyhood , la rappiniere had been spoil'd for ever , but for the valiant protector , whom providence rais'd for him in the person of our stout player . this benefit melted his heart of flint , insomuch , that he would not suffer the miserable remains of a scatter'd company of strollers● to lodge in an inn ; but brought them to his own house , where the carter laid down the strolling furniture , and return'd home to his village . chap. iv. wherein further mention is made of monsieur la rappiniere , and of what happen'd that night at his house . madam la rappiniere receiv'd the company with a great deal of civility , as being the most submissive of wives ; she was indifferently handsom , tho' so very lean and dry , that she never snuff't a candle with her fingers , but they presently catch'd fire . i could relate a thousand curious stories about her , which i pass by for fear of being redious . the first compliments were scarce over , when the two ladies grew so well acquainted , that they begun to my dear , and my dearest . la rappiniere , who was as great a brag as any barber of 'em all , did no sooner come into the room , but he bid some-body go to the kitchen and the larder , to hasten supper . this was a meer rodimontade ; for besides his valet , who likewise drest his horses , there was no body in his house , but a young maid , and an old lame woman , as crazy as a mangy dog. his vanity was punish'd by an accident , that fill'd him with confusion ; he us'd to diet at the tavern , at the expence of fools and bubbles , whilst his wife and his orderly fam●ly , were reduc●d to feed on soop and cabbage , according to the custom of that country ; now , being willing to make a shew before his guests , and ●reat them nobly , he was going to slip behind his back , some money into the hands of his man , to fetch something for supper ; but through the awkardness either of the man , or the master , the money fell on the chair he sat on , and from the chair to the ground . la rappiniere look'd blew upon it ; his wife blush'd ; the man curst ; cave was uneasie ; rancour perhaps did not mind it , and as for destiny , i could not well learn what effect it had upon his mind . however , the money was taken up , and whilst supper was getting ready , they engaged in conversation . la rappiniere ask't destiny , why he disguis'd his face with a patch ? he answer'd , he had great reason to do it ; and as he had other cloaths on by accident , he likewise design'd to make his face unknown to some enemies he had . at last supper came in , good or bad : la rappiniere drank so much , that he made himself fudled ; rancour had his load ; destiny supp'd like a sober well-bred man ; cave like a famish'd player ; and madam la rappiniere like one who had a mind to lay hold of the opportunity ; that is to say , so very greedily , that she got a surfeit . whilst the servants were at supper , and the beds making , la rappiniere teaz'd his guests with a thousand stories full of vanity . destiny lay in a little room by himself ; cave in a closet with the chamber-maid ; and rancour with the valet , i know not where . they all had a great mind to sleep , some through weariness , others for having supp'd too plentifully , and yet they slept but little ; so true it is , that there is nothing certain in this world. after her first sleep , madam la rapiniere had a mind to go where kings are fain to go themselves in person ; her husband wak'd at the same time , and tho' he had not recover'd his drunkenness , he found himself alone ; he call'd his wife , no body answer'd : whereupon he grew jealous , fell in a passion , and instantly rose out of his bed in a fury . as soon as he was got out of the chamber , he heard a stamping of feet before him , and for some time followed the noise through a little gallery , that led to destiny's chamber . he found himself so near what he follow'd , that he trod upon its heels , and thinking it to be his wife , he was going to lay hold on her , crying , you whore ! but his hands could catch at nothing , and his feet stumbling at the same time , he fell down upon his nose , and felt something that was pointed running into his breast : thereupon he cry'd out in a most hideous manner , murder , murder , i am stabb'd — without letting go his wife , whom he thought , he held by the hair , and was strugling under him . his cries and oaths , set all the house in an uproar , and every body ran to his assistance , the maid with a candle ; rancour and the valet in their dirty shirts ; cave in a tatter'd petticoat ; destiny with a sword in his hand , and madam la rappiniere last of all , who like all the rest , was not a little surpriz'd to see her furious husband grapling with a she-goat , which was kept in the house to suckle some young puppies , whose dam happen'd to die . no man was ever so much out of countenance , as la rappiniere : his wife who presently suspected the truth of the matter , ask'd him if he was mad ? he answer'd without knowing well what he said , that he had taken the goat for a thief ; destiny guess'd the business , every one returned to his bed , and made what constructions he thought ●it upon the adventure ; as for the goat , she was shut in again with her puppies . chap v. which contains no great matter . the stroller rancour , one of the principal heroes of our romance , for one alone will not serve our turn ; and since there 's nothing more perfect than the hero of a book , half a dozen heroes , or would be such , will do more credit to mine than a single one , who might happen to be the least talk'd of , since all human things are subject to the caprice of fortune . rancour , i say , was one of these misanthropists who hate every body , and do not love even themselves : nay , i was told by several creditable persons , that no man ever saw him laugh . he had a pretty deal of wit , and an indifferent talent in making doggrel rhimes : he was not over-stock'd with honour or conscience upon any account , and besides he was as malicious as an old monkey , and envious as a dog. he found fault with all those of his profession , according to his opinion ; belleroze was too affected ; mindory too rough ; floridor wanted life , and so of the rest ; by which he did insinuate , that he was the only player without a fault , whereas he was suffer'd in the company , only upon the score of his being an old stander . when the stage was reduc'd to hardy's plays , he acted the parts of nurses in a treble-tone , and with a vizor ; but since the parts of confidents , ambassadors and bailiffs setters , when there was occasion to attend a king , murder any body , or fight a battle ; he sung but scurvily the tenor in troies , and was jack-pudding in farces . upon these great accomplishments , he had built an unsufferable pride which was attended with an unexhausted faculty of railing and slandering , and a quarrelsom humour , which however was supported by a little courage : all these made him to be fear'd by his comrades , destiny only excepted , with whom he was as tame as a lamb , and shew'd himself as reasonable as his natural inclination would suffer him . 't was once given out , that he was beaten by destiny ; but that report did not continue , no more than that about his having so great an affection for other people's goods , that he would sometimes seize upon 'em clandestinely : yet upon the whole , he was the best man in the world. methinks i acquainted you before , how he lay with la rappiniere's man , doguin by name : now whether the bed was none of the best , or that doguin was but an ill bed-fellow , it so happen'd that he could not sleep a wink all the night long . he got up at break of day , ( as well as doguin , who was call'd up by his master ) and going by la rapiniere's chamber , he went in to wish him good morrow ; la rappiniere receiv'd his compliment with the state of a country-provost , and scarce return'd any of his civilities ; but as players are us'd to act all manner of parts , so rancour was little concern'd at it . la rappiniere ask'd him a thousand questions about the stage , particularly , how long destiny had been one of their company , adding , that he was a very good player : all is not gold that glisters , reply'd rancour : when i play'd the first parts , he acted those of pages ; how the devil should he now understand a trade , that he never learnt ? he has not been long upon the stage , and players do not come up like mushrooms in one night . now he is lik'd , because he is young ; but if you knew him throughly as i do , you would not have half so good an opinion of him ; besides , he is as proud , as if he was lineally descended from saint lewis , and yet he won't tell us who he is , nor whence he comes , no more than a handsom phillis who accompanies him , under the name of sister , and grant heaven she be no worse . such as i am , i sav'd his life in paris , at the expence of two great wounds i receiv'd with a sword ; and he was so unthankful for my good office , that in stead of seeing me carried to a surgeon , he spent the whole night in looking in the dirt for a certain jewel enrich't with diamonds of alencon ; of which he said , he was robb'd by those that set upon us . la rappiniere ask'd rancour when this mischance befell him ? upon twelfth-day on the new bridge , answer'd rancour . these last words cast la rappiniere and his man doguin into a great trouble ; they turn'd pale , and blush'd ; then blush'd , and turn'd pale again ; and la rappiniere shifted the discourse so quickly , and in so great a disorder , that rancour wonder'd at it . the hangman of the town , and some archers who came into the room , interrupted their conversation , at which rancour was highly pleas'd ; for he was sensible that what he had said , had touch'd la rappiniere in a very tender part , though he was not able to guess what share he might have in the adventure . in the mean time , destiny who had been the subject of his encomiums , was in no small trouble : rancour found him with mistress cave , wasting their breath to no purpose , to make an old taylor confess , that he did not conceive well , and had workt still worse . the matter in dispute was this : at the taking the play-house furniture out of the cart , destiny having found two doublets and a pair of breeches much worn out , he gave them to this old taylor in order to make out of 'em a more fashionable suit , than the trunk breeches he had on ; now the taylor instead of making one of the doublets serve to mend the other doublet , and the breeches , through a fault of judgment , unworthy of a man who had patch'd old cloaths all his life-time , he mended both the doublets with the best pieces out of the breeches ; insomuch , that poor destiny with so many doublets , and no breeches , was reduc'd either to keep his chamber , or to make all the children run after him , as they had done before , upon account of his comical habit . la rappiniere's generosity repair'd the mistake of the taylor , who had the botch'd doublets for his pains , and destiny was presented with a suit of cloath's , the spoil of a high-way-man , whom rappiniere had caus'd to be broke upon the wheel not long before . the hangman who happen'd to be there , and had left those clothes in the custody of la rappiniere's maid , said very saucily , that they were his fees ; but la rappiniere silenc'd him , by threatning him to turn him out of his place . the cloaths fitted destiny to a hair , and so out he went with la rappiniere and rancour : they all dined at a tavern at the expence of one of the burghers , who had business with la rappiniere ; and as for mistress cave , she past her time away in washing her dirty nightrails , and kept her landlady company . the same day doguin met two of those young men whom he had beaten the day before in the tennis-court , and return'd home with two great wounds in his guts , and abundance of cudgel-blows on his back ; and because he was dangerously ill , rancour having well supp'd , went to the next inn for a bed , betogether with his comrade destiny , to attend monsieur la rappiniere , who swore he would have satisfaction for the murder of his man. chap. vi. the adventure of the chamber-pot ; what disturbance rancour made that night in the inn ; the arrival of part of the strolling company ; doguin's death , and other memorable occurrences . rancour went into the inn something more than half drunk : la rappiniere's maid who introduc'd him , bid the hostess get a bed ready for him : who have we here , said the hostess ? faith , had we no other customers , our house-rent would be but ill paid . hold your tongue hussy , said the husband : mousieur la rappiniere do's us too much honour : quickly let a bed be got ready for the gentleman — ay marry , but where shall one get it , said the hostess ; for there was but one left , and i parted just now with it to a merchant of lower-maine . thereupon the merchant came in , and hearing the occasion of their dispute , offer'd one half of his bed to rancour , whether he had business with la rappiniere , or because he was of an obliging nature ; for which rancour return'd him thanks , as far as his small stock of civility would let him . the merchant supp'd the host kept him company , and rancour without much entreaty , put in for a third , and begun to drink upon a new score . they discours'd about taxes , rail'd against excisemen , setled the nation , and unsetled their own brains so much , especially the inn-keeper , that he lugg'd his purse out of his pocket , and call'd for the reckoning , having forgot that he was at home ; but his wife and his maid pull'd him by the shoulders into his chamber , and laid him upon a bed with his cloaths on ; rancour told the merchant , that he was troubled with a strangury , and would be very sorry if he should incommode him ; to which the merchant reply'd , that a night would soon be over . now you must take notice , the bed had no ruelle , but was close to the wall : rancour went into it first , and the merchant being gone after him into the place of honour , rancour ask'd him for the chamber-pot — what to do , said the merchant ? why , to put it by me , to avoid being troublesom to you , said rancour ; the merchant reply'd , he would give it him whenever he had occasion for it , to which rancour seem'd unwilling to consent , protesting he should be extream sorry to trouble him . the merchant fell asleep without returning him an answer , and scarce begun to be in a found sleep , when the malicious stroller , ( who could have parted with one of his eyes , so as he might make his neighbour lose both his ) pull'd the merchant by the arm , and cry'd to him , sir , sir ; the poor merchant half a sleep , and gaping and stretching , ask'd him what he would have ? pray reach me the chamber-pot , said rancour ; the merchant lean'd over the bed , and having taken the chamber-pot , gave it to rancour , who put himself in a pissing posture ; and having us'd all his endeavours , or at least seem'd to do so , mutter'd a thousand oaths , and complain'd of his distemper ; he return'd the chamber-pot to the merchant , without making a drop of water . the merchant set it on the ground again , and stretching his mouth as wide as an oven , said to rancour , truly sir , i pity you , and fell asleep presently . rancour suffer'd him to indulge his drowsiness , till he snor'd as loud as the drone of a pair of organs , and then the traytor wak'd him again , and ask'd him for the chamber-pot with as much malice , as he had done before . the merchant deliver'd it into his hands with his usual kindness ; and rancour laid it to the place through which one pisses , not so much with a design to leak , as to keep the merchant awake : he cry'd out still louder than before , and was twice as long endeavouring in vain to make water , and desiring the merchant not to give himself the trouble to reach him the chamber-pot , for that he would reach it himself : the poor merchant , who at that time would have parted with half his estate to have slept his belly-full , answer'd him gaping , that he might do as he thought fit , and laid the chamber-pot in its proper place again : they bid one another good night , in a very civil manner , and the poor merchant would have laid a round sum , that he was going to take the best nap he ever had in his life . rancour , who knew well enough where his comedy should end , suffer'd him to fall into a sound sleep , and then without making conscience to wake a man that repos'd so innocently , he laid his elbow in the pit of his stomach , crushing him down with the whole weight of his body , and stretching forth the other arm out of the bed , like one that has a mind to take up something from the ground . the unfortunate merchant , almost crush'd and stifled to death , started out of his sleep , ( crying out in a most hideous manner , zouns , sir , what do you mean , you have almost kill'd me — rancour with as soft and gentle a voice as that of the merchant , was loud and vehement , answer'd him : i ask your pardon , i only design'd to take the chamber-pot — udslife , cry'd the other , i had much rather give it to you , and not sleep all the night long , — you have so hurt me , that i shall feel it as long as i live . rancour made him no answer , but fell a pissing so plentifully , and with such force , that the very noise of the chamber-pot , had been sufficient to wake the merchant : at last he fill'd the pot , and return'd the lord thanks with a villanous hypocrisie . the good merchant wish'd him joy as well as he could , for his plentiful ejaculation of urine , which gave him hopes his sleep would no more be interrupted : when the cursed rancour ( making as if he would set the chamber-pot on the ground ) let fall both pot and piss on his face , his beard and his breast , excusing himself only with , sir , i cry your mercy ? the merchant return'd his civility no answer ; for as soon as he felt himself drown'd in piss , he got out of bed , roaring like a mad-man , and calling for a candle ; rancour with a cunning calmness , told him , truly , 't is a great mischance ! in the mean time the merchant rais'd the whole house with his continual roaring , and the inn-keeper , his wife , maids and servants being come to know what the matter was , he told them , they had put him to bed with a devil , and desir'd to have a fire lighted in another room ; they ask'd him what ail●d him ? but he was in such a passion , that he gave no answer ; and taking his cloaths in a fury , went down into the kitchin to dry himself , and there lay all night stretch'd on a bench by the fire side . the innkeeper ask'd rancour what he had done to him , to which rancour with a counterfeit ingenuity answer'd , i do not know what he can complain of — he wak'd out of his sleep , and rouz'd me , crying out , murder ; — sure , he has had some ill dream or other , or is turn'd mad , for besides , he has bepist the bed. mine hostess put her hand upon it , and said the gentleman spoke truly , that her quilt was wet through , and swore a great oath , that she would make the merchant pay for it : they bid rancour good night , and so went their way . as for rancour , he slept as peacefully as any honest man might have done , and made himself amends for the bad night he had at la rappiniere's . however he rose earlier than he design'd , being call'd up by la rappiniere's maid , who came running to fetch him to doguin who was a dying , and desir'd to speak with him before he made his exit . he ran to him much perplex'd , to know what a dying man , with whom he got acquainted but the day before , might have to say to him . but 't was a mistake of the maid ; for hearing the dying wretch call for the player , she took rancour for destiny ; who when rancour came , had just shut himself in doguin's chamber , being inform'd by the priest who heard his confession , that he had something of great importance to communicate to him . he had not been there above a quarter of an hour , when la rappiniere came home , having been abroad at break a day about some business : he was told at his arrival , that his man was breathing his last , the surgeons not being able to stop his blood , ( by reason one of his great veins was broke ) and that he desired to see the player destiny before he dyed . and has he seen him ! ask'd la rappiniere very much disorder'd — answer was made , they were lockt in together ; at which words he was in a manner thunderstruck , and ran in a great fright , and knockt at doguin's chamber door , at that very time that destiny was opening of it to call for help ; the sick body being taken by a fainting fit. la rappiniere with trouble in his face , ask'd him what his silly servant had to say to him ? i think he is lightheaded , reply'd destiny coldly ; for he ask't me pardon a thousand times , and i cannot tell that he ever offended me ; however , let somebody look to him , for he cannot live long . thereupon they made towards the bed , and at that very instant , doguin gave up the ghost , at which la rappiniere seem'd rather pleas'd , than concern'd . those who were acquainted with him , judg'd the reason of it to be , because he ow'd him his wages : but destiny alone knew best of any , what he● ought to think of it . in the mean time two men came into the house , whom our stroller knew to be his comrades , of whom we will speak at large in the following chapter . chap. vii . the adventure of the litters . the youngest of the two strollers who came to la rappipiniere's , was destiny's servant , of whom he learnt , that the rest of the company were all arriv'd , except mistriss star , who had sprain'd her foot , three leagues off mans. how came you hither ? who told you we were here ? said destiny to him : the plague which is now at alencon , hindred us from going thither , and stopt us at bonnestable , answer'd the stroller , olive by name ; and some inhabitants of this town we met by the way , inform'd us you acted here ; that you had fought , and was wounded ; mistriss star is very much troubled at it , and desires you to send her a litter . the keeper of the next inn , who was come at the report of doguin's death , said he had a litter at home , and if they would pay him well , it should be ready to go by noon , carried by two strong able horses . the strollers hired the litter for a crown , and took chambers in the inn for the whole company : la rappiniere undertook to procure a licence , to act from the deputy-governor ; and about noon , destiny and his comrades took their journey towards bonnestable ; it being a very hot day , rancour slept in the litter , olive was mounted on the hinder horse , and the inn-keepers man on the other before ; destiny trudg'd it on foot with a gun over his shoulder , and his man entertain'd him with what was befallen them from the castle of loir , to a village near bonnestable , where mistriss star had sprain'd one of her feet as she lighted off her horse ; when two men well mounted , and who hid their faces with their cloaks as they pass'd by destiny , rode up to the litter on that side where it was uncover'd , and finding in it but one man asleep ; he that was mounted on the best horse , said to the other ; i verily believe , all the devils are t●is day broke loose against me , and have turn'd themselves into litters , to plague me . which said , he clapt spurs to his horse , and went his way cross the field with his companion after him . olive call'd destiny , and recounted to him the adventure , the meaning of which he could not understand , nor indeed , did he much trouble himself about it . after they had gone a quarter of a league further , the leader of the litter whom the heat of the sun had stunn'd , and made drowsie , brought the litter into a quag-mire , where rancour was like to be over-turn'd ; the horses broke their traces , and they were fain to unharness them , and pull them out of the mire by neck and tail. they gather'd the broken remnants of their wreck , and reach'd the next village as well as they could . now , whilst the shatter'd furniture of the litter was resitting , rancour , olive , and destiny's man , took a merry cup at the gate of an inn that hapned to be in the village . whereupon there came another litter led by two men on foot , which likewise stopt before the inn. this litter was scarce arriv'd , but there appear'd another , a hundred steps behind it . i believe all the litters in the province have agreed to meet here , about some business of importance , in order to hold a general council , said rancour ; and methinks they ought to begin their conferences , for 't is not probable that any more will come . nay , marry , said the hostess , here 's another that will not stick out , i warrant you — and in truth they espy'd a fourth , which came as from mans. this made them all laugh heartily , except rancour , who never laught , as i said before . the last litter stopt with the rest , and in the memory of man , so many litters were never seen together . if those that look'd for litters , and whom we met a while ago , were here , they would have their belly full of them , said the leader of the first litter : i have met with him , said the second : so have we , said he that conducted the strollers litter ; to which he that came last added ; that he was like to be thresh'd by ' em . why so ? ask'd destiny . because , answer'd he , they had a design upon a certain gentlewoman , who sprain'd her foot , and whom we carried to mans : i never saw men so furious and unreasonable ; for they quarrell'd with me only because they miss'd of what they look'd for . this made the strollers prick up their ears ; and by the answer of the litter-man to two or three questions they put to him , they were inform'd , that the lady of the lord of the village where mrs. star sprain'd her foot , had given her a visit , and taken great care to have her carried safe to mans. the conversation continued a little longer between the litters ; and they learnt of one another , that they were all search'd by the same men whom the strollers saw . the first litter carried the parson of domfront , who came from the wells of belles●● , and went to mans , in order to get the physicians of that place to consult about his distemper . the second carried a wounded officer , who return'd from the army . at last the litters parted ; those of the parson of domfront , and of the strollers went together to mans , and the others where they thought fit . the sick parson lighted at the same inn where the strollers were quartered , being the place where he us'd to lie on that road. we will leave him to take his rest in his room , and in our next chapter we shall pay a visit to the strollers , to see what was doing in theirs . chap. viii . wherein are contained many things necessary to be known for the understanding of this present book . the strolling company consisted of destiny , olive , and rancour , who had each a servant , who expected to be one day an actor in chief . of those servants , some began to speak without blushing , or being dash'd out of countenance : among the rest , destiny's man acted pretty well , understood what he spoke , and did not want wit. mrs. star , and mrs. cave's daughter acted the first parts . cave acted the queen , and the mother ; and sometimes merry-andrew's . wife in a farc● : besides all this , they had a poet , or an author ; for all the grocers shops in the kingdom were stor'd with his works , both in verse and prose . this great wit follow'd the company , almost against their own will ; but because he was no sharer , and that he spent his own money with the players they suffer'd him to act under-parts , which he generally murder'd . they all perceiv'd well enough , that he was in love , with one of the two players ; but he was so discreet , though a little crack-brain'd , that 't was not yet discover'd which of them he design'd to wheedle into compliance , with the fair hopes of making her immortal . he threatned the company with a great many plays of his own writing ; but till then he had spar'd them , and they only knew by conjecture that he was about one , call'd mar●in luther , of which they found the first act ; which however he disown'd , although it was written with his own hand . when our strollers arriv'd , the womens chamber was already fill'd with the most impertinent fops and beaus of the town , whose eagerness was almost cool'd by the indifferent reception they met with : they spoke altogether about plays , poetry , poets and romances ; and there could not have been more noise in the room , unless they had been a fighting . the poet , among the rest , surrounded by three or four , who , without doubt , were the top wits of the town , labour'd to persuade 'em , that he had seen corneille , crack'd many a bottle with st. amant and beys , and lost a good friend when rotrou died . madam cave , and her daughter angelica set their goods in order , with as great a tranquility , as if no body had been in the room . 't is true , angelica's fair hands were now and then squeez'd or kiss'd● ; for these country gentlemen are ever pulling and haulling ; but a kick on the shins , a box on the ear , or a biting , according as occasion requir'd , soon rid her of those hot-spurr'd lovers : nor was she rude and impudent neither , but her free and gay humour would not let her use much ceremony : as for the rest , she had wit , and was very honest . mrs. star was of a quite different humour ; for there never was a more modest , gentile , and good-natur'd woman in the world , and she strain'd at that time her complaisance so far , that she cou'd not find in her heart to turn these ogling fops out of her chamber , altho' she felt a great pain in her sprain'd foot , and had great occasion for rest. she lay in her clothes on a bed , surrounded by four or five of the whining sighing beaus : stunn'd by abundance of puns and clenches , which pass for good jests in the country , and often forcing a smile upon things that she did not like . but this is one of the great plagues of that profession , which together with the being oblig'd to laugh or weep , whether one has a mind to it or no , takes very much from the pleasure which players have , of being sometimes emperors and empresses , and of being call'd as fine as angels , though they be little handsomer than devils , or address'd to as young beauties , although their hair and teeth be part of their furniture . there are a great many more things to be said upon this subject , but we must use them sparingly , and place them in several places in this book , for variety's sake . let 's return to madam star , beset with country-squires , the most troublesom race of men , all great talkers , most of 'em very impertinent , and amongst whom there were some newly return'd from the university . among the rest appear'd a little man , who was a widower , a lawyer by profession , and an officer , in a small court of judicature in the neighbourhood : since the death of his little wife , he sometimes threatned the women to marry again , and sometimes the clergy of the province to turn priest , nay even a preaching prelate . he was the greatest little fool that ever ran madding since rollando . he had studied books all his life-time ; and though the chief end of scholarship be the knowledge of truth , yet he was as great a lyar as a page , proud and obstinate as a pedant , and so bad a poet as to deserve to be drown'd , if the government would take care to rid the kingdom of the troublesom vermine of rhiming fools . assoon as destiny and his comrades came into the room , without giving them the time to know who he was , he offer'd to read to 'em a poem of his own making , call'd the deeds and atchievements of charlemain in four and twenty books . this proposal put all the assistants into such a frigh●●s made their hair stand an end ; but destiny , who in this general terror preserv'd a little judgment , told him smiling , that 't was not possible for them to give him the hearing before supper . well , quoth he , i will read to you a story taken out of a spanish book● which was sent me from paris , and of which i design to make a regular play. they shifted the discourse three or four times , ●●on purpose to avoid hearing a story , which they suppos'd to be an imitation of guy of warwick , or tom thumb . but tho' they often interrupted him , yet our little man did not lose courage ; and with often beginning his story , he at last forc'd them to hear him out ; however they did not repent , because the story prov'd to be a good one , and bely'd the ill opinion they had of all that came from ragotin , for so was call'd out iack-in-a-box . you will see the said story in the following chapter , not such as ragotin told it , but such as i had it my self from one of the hearers . therefore , 't is not ragotin that speaks , but my self . chap ix . the history of the invisible mistress . don carlos of aragon was a young gentleman of the family that bore that name . he perform'd wonder at the publick game , with which the viceroy of naples entertain'd the people , upon the marriage of philip the second , third or fourth for i forgot which . the next day after a running at the ring , whereof he carried the prize , the viceroy gave liberty to the ladies to go about the city in disguise and to wear masks after the french way , for the conveniency of strangers , whom the publick rejoycings had invited thither . upon that day don carlos put on his finest clothes , and with many other conquerors of hearts , repaird to the chur●● of gallantry . churches are prophaned in these countries , a● well as in ours ; and the house of god serves for a meeting place to the beaux and the cocquets , to the eternal shame 〈◊〉 those who have the curs'd ambition of drawing customer● from other churches to their own . these abuses ought to b● reform'd , and there should be persons appointed to turn beau● and cocquets out of churches , as well as to drive away d● and bitches . i may be ask'd , what makes me concern 〈◊〉 self about it ? truly you will see more of this anon . how●ever , let the 〈◊〉 who is offended at it be satisfied , that all m● in this world are fools as well as lyars , some more some less● and i my self perhaps a greater fool than the rest , though have more frankness in owning it : and my book being but heap of follies● i hope every fool will find his own char●●●● in it , unless he be blinded by self-love . to return to my story don carlos was in a church , with several other italian and ●nish gentlemen , viewing themselves in their fine feathers , 〈◊〉 proud peacocks , when three ladies in masks accosted him 〈◊〉 midst all these fierce and gay cupids , and one of 〈◊〉 spoke to him thus , or to the same effect : signior don carlos● there is a lady in this city , to whom you are very much ●●lig'd for at all the justs and turnaments , her wishes we● still along with you in all those exercises , whereof you ca●● the prize . what i find most advantageous in what you tell me , answerd don carlos , is to have it , from the mouth of a lady , who seems to be a person of merit ; yet had i so much as hop'd that any lady had been on my side , i would have taken more care to deserve her approbation . the unknown lady reply'd● he had given all the proofs imaginable of his being a most dextrous and accomplish'd gentleman , and that by his black and white liveries , he had shewn he was not in love . i never was well acquainted with the meaning of colours ; answer'd don carlos , but this i know , that if i am not in love , 't is not so much because i am indifferent , as because i am sensible i do not deserve to be belov'd . they said to one another a thousand fine things more , which i shall not relate , because i know nothing of 'em , and that i would be loath to compose others , lest i should wrong don carlos and the unknown lady , who had a great deal more wit than i can pretrend to● as i was dately inform'd by a young neapolitan , who knew 'em both . in short , the lady in a mask declar'd to don carlos , that 't was she who had an inclination for him : he desir'd to see her face ; which she refus'd and told him , that he must not expect it yet ; that she would look for a more proper opportunity ; and that● to let him know she fear'd not to trust her self alone with him , that she would give him a token . at these words she pull'd off her glove , and shew'd the spaniard the finest hand in the world , and presented him with a ring ; which he receiv'd , with so great a surprize at the adventure ; that he almost forgot to make a bow , and thank her when the went from him . the other gentlemen , who out of civility were gone from him , being come to him again , he told 'em what had happen'd to him , and shew'd them the ring which was of considerable value . every one spoke his thoughts about the adventure ; and don carlos was deep in love with the unknown lady● as if he had seen her face . so great is the power of wit on those who have their share of it . he was eight long days without hearing from the lady ; but whether or no he was uneasie at it● i could never be well inform'd . in the mean time he went every day to divert himself at the house of a captain of foot , where several men of quality met to play . one night , when he had not been , at play , and was going home , sooner than ordinary , he was call'd by his name out of a parlour in a great house . he went near the window , which was l●●●ic'd , and knew by the voice that call'd him , that 't was his invisible mistress , who told him ; come near , don carlos● i expect you here to decide our controversie . you are but a brag , said don carlos , you challenge with insolence , and yet you hide your self eight days together , and then appear only through a lattice wind●w . we shall see one another nearer in time , answer'd she : 't is not for want of courage i have delay'd being with you , but i had a mind to know you before i discover my self ; you know that in duels the combatants ought to fight with arms that are alike : now if your heart was not as free as mine , you would fight with advantage , and therefore i have made enquiries about you . and what information had you , answer'd don carlos ; that we are much upon the same terms , return'd the invisible lady . but , said don carlos , there 's yet a great inequality ; for , added he , you both see me , and know who i am , whereas i neither see you , nor know who you are : now think with your self , what i can judge of your concealing your self ? since people seldom do so when they have a good design , it is an easie matter to impose at first upon a man that mistrusts nothing● but he is not to be cheated twice ; if you make use of me only to make another jealous , i must freely tell you that i am the most unfit person for it in the world , and that i am good for nothing besides loving you . have you now done with your rash suspicions , said the invisible lady ? you may call them rash if you please , reply'd don carlos ; but however they are not unlikely . i would have you know , said she , that i am sincere ; you will find me such in all our intercourse ; and i expect you should be so too . that 's but reasonable , answer'd don carlos ; but 't is just likewise that i should see you , and know who you are . you shall be satisfied e're it be long , said the invisible lady ; and in the mean time hope with patience ; for that 's the only way for you to obtain what you expect from me . now , that you may justifie your love to your discretion , i am willing to let you know , that my birth is not inferiour to yours ; that i have a fortune sufficient to make you live with as great magnificence as any prince in the kingdom ; that i am rather handsom than ill-favour'd ; and as for wit , you have too much of that your self not to discover whether i have any or no. she had no sooner made an end of her speech but the withdrew , leaving don carlos with his mouth open , ready to answer her ; so very much in love with a person he never saw , and so perplex'd about this odd way of proceeding , which might prove at last to be a cheat , that he stood on the same place for above a quarter of an hour , not knowing what to think of this extraordinary adventure . he was not ignorant that there were a great many princesses and ladies of quality in naples ; but he knew likewise , that there were abundance of greedy courtezans , eager after strangers , great jilts , and the more dangerous , as they were handsom . i cannot positively tell whether he had supp'd , or went to bed without supper . neither do i care to imitate the writers of romances , who mark with great exactness all the hours of the day , and make their heroe's rise betimes , relate their adventures by dinner-time , eat but little at dinner , then resume their story after dinner , or retire into the thickest part of a wood , in order to entertain their own selves , unless when they have something to say to the rocks and trees : as supper-time , they make them repair at the usual hour , to the place where they diet , there they sigh and look pensive , instead of eating ; and thence they go to build castles in the air on some terrass-walk that looks towards ( the sea , whilst the trusty squire reveals , that his master is such a one , son to such a king ; that he is the best prince alive , and thô he be still the handsomest of all mortals , that he was quite another man before love had disfigur'd him . ) to return to my story , don carlos repair'd the next day to his post , where the invisible lady waited his coming : she ask'd him if he had not been much perplex'd about their last conversation , end if he had not doubted the truth of what she told him . don carlos , without answering her question , desir'd her to tell him what danger she fear'd in discovering her self , since they were upon even terms ; and that the end of their amours being honourable , it would have the approbation of every body ? the danger is very great , and you will have it in time , said the invisible : once more be satisfi'd that i am true , and that in the account i gave you my self , i was rather modest than vain● don carlos did not press her any further , other conversation which continued some time longer , encreas'd the mutual love they had for each other ; and so they parted , with promise to meet every day , ● at the appointed hour and place . the next day after there was a great ball at the viceroy's , where don carlos hop'd to know his invisible charmer ; in the mean time , he endeavourd to know at whose house she gave him those favourable audiences , and was told by the neighbours , that the house belong'd to an old lady , widow to a spanish captain , who had neither daughters nor neeces , and liv'd very retir'd . he desir'd to wait on her , but she sent him word , that since her husband died , she admitted of no visits , when still perplext him more and more●● don carlos went in the evening to the viceroy's , where you may imagine there was a very fine and numerous assembly , and nicely observ'd all the ladies , 〈◊〉 hopes to find out his unknown mistriss . he engag'd in conversation with several , but was disappointed in his search . a● last he ke●● close to a marquis's daughter , of i know not what marquisdom , for 't is the most dubious thing in the world , especially at that time , when every body sets up for a marquess . she was young and handsom , and her voice not unlike that of the person he lookt for : but at the long run● he found such great disproportion betwixt her wit and his invisible's that he was sorry that in so little time , he had made such progress with this fine lady , that without any flattery to himself , he had reason to believe she did not hate him . they danc'd several times together , and the ball being over , to the small satisfaction of don carlos , he took his leave of his captive , whom he left full of pride ; for having had to her self in so fine an assembly , a cavelier who was envied by all the men and esteem'd by all the women . as soon as he came out of the ball , he went in great hast to his house to take arms , and from thence to the fatal gra●e , which was not far off : his lady , who was there already , ask'd him news of the ball , although she had been there her self . he told her very ingenuously , that he had danc'd with a very beautiful person , and entertain'd her all the time the ball lasted . she ask'd him several questions in relation to her which discover'd her jealousie : and as for don carlos , he let her understand that he begun to doubt her quality , by reason she was not at the ball ; she having taken notice of it , us'd all the charms of her wit to remove his suspicio●s , and favour'd him as far as 't was posible , in a conversation that past with a grate between ; adding withal , that in a short time she would become visible . hereupon they parted : don carlos very much in doubt whether he ought to believe her , and she somewhat jealous of the fine person , whom he entertain'd during the ball. the next day don carlos going to hear mass at a certain church , the name of which i have forgot , offer'd holy water to two ladies vail'd , who went to take some at the same time with him : she who appear'd in the better cloaths of the two told him , she never accepted of any civility , from one with whom she had a quarrel to decide . if you are not too much in hast , answer'd don carlos , you may have satisfaction this very moment . well , said the unknown lady● follow me then into the next chappel . she led the way to it , and don carlos● follow'd 〈◊〉 very much in doubt whether she was his unknown mistress● for● though her shape was the same , yet he found some difference in their voices , this new lady speaking something thick● this is the substance of what she told him after she had shut ●her self with him in the chappel . all the city of n●ples , signior don carlos talks of the high reputation you have gain'd during that little time you have been here , and every body looks upon you , as the most accomplisht gentleman in the world : the only thing that people wonder at is , your not taking notice that there are in this city some ladies of quality and merit , who have a particular esteem for you ; they have discover'd it to you as far as decency will allow , and though 't is their eager desire to make you sensible of it , yet they had rather you had not taken notice of it through insensibility , than if you despis'd their favour through indifference . among the rest , there 's one of my acquaintance who has so much value for you , as to hazard her own reputation , to ●ell you , that your night-adventures are discover'd ; that you rashly engage in an amour with one you do not know , and that since your mistress conceals her self , she must either be asham'd of her lover , or afraid of not deserving to be belov'd her self , i question not but the object of your contemplative love , is a lady of great quality and wit ; and that your fancy has fram'd such a mistress , as is worthy of adoration upon all accounts : but signior don carlos , believe not your imagination at the expence of your judgement ; trust not a person who conceals her self , and engage no more in those night-conversations . but why should i disguise my self any longer ? i my self am jealous of your phantom : i cannot bear you should speak with her , and since i have declared my self so far , i will so thwart all her designs , that i shall carry the prize , to which i have as much right as she , since i am not inferior to her either in beauty riches● quality , or any thing that can bespeak love : if you are wise , you will make use of my advice● as ●he was speaking these last words , the went away without giving don carlos time to answer her . he was going to follow her , but he met at the church gate , a man of quality , who engaged him in a tedious conversation , and of whom he could not rid himself . ●he reflected the remainder of the day upon this adventure , and suspected at first the lady of the ball , to be the vail'd person that appear'd last to him : but then calling to mind that the shew'd abundance more wit , than he had found in the other , he was at a loss what to think of it , and wish'd almost not to be engag'd with his unknown mistress , that he might give up himself entirely to this last : but then again , considering that he knew her no better than his invisible , whose wit had charm'd him in all the conversation he had with her , he firmly resolv'd to be constant to his first choice , without minding in the least the threats of the last lady ; for he was not to be wrought upon by fear or compulsion . that very night he fail'd not to repair to the grated window at the usual hour , where in the height of the conversation with his mistress , he was seiz'd by four strong men in masks , who having disarm'd him , carried him by force into a coach that waited for them at the end of the street . i leave the reader to think , how many abusive names he gave to those men in disguise , and how he reproached them for attacking him to disadvantage on his side : nay , he endeavour'd to win 'em by promises , but instead of persuading them , he only made them take more care of him , and put him out of hopes of being able to shew either his strength or courage . in the mean●time the coach and six horses drove on a full trot , and having got out of the city after an hours riding , came into a great house , the gate of which was kept open in order to receive it . the four maskers alighted with don carlos , holding him under the arms like an ambassador , introduced to salute the grand signior : he was carried up one pair of stairs in the same manner , where two gentlewomen in masks came to receive him at the door of a large room , each a candlestick in her hand , and the four men in disguise took their leave of him with a profound reverence . 't is probable they left him neither sword not pistol , and that he did not forget to thank 'em for their extraordinary care of his person : and yet perhaps he never thought on 't ; not but that he was a man of good breeding , but upon a surprize , a flip in point of civility ought to be forgiven . neither will i tell you , whether the candlesticks the gentlewomen had in their hands were silver ; that they were at least , if not rather silver-guilt ingraven . as for the room , it was the most magnificent in the world , and if you desire it , as well furnisht as some apartments of our romances ; namely the ship of zelman in polexander ; the palace of ibrahim in the illustri●us bassa , or the room wherein the king of assyria receiv'd mandane in the cyrus , which together with the others i nam'd before , is certainly a book that has the best furniture in the world. now imagine what surprize our spaniard was in , to find himself in this stately apartment with two speechless gentlewomen in masks , who conducted him into another chamber , still better furnisht than the great room , and there left him all alone . had he been of don quixot's humour , he would have found sufficient matter to please his fancy ; and imagin'd himself to be no less than espla●dian or amadis : but our spaniard was no more concern'd at it , than if he had been in his inn , save only that he had a great regret for his invisible lady ; and as he kept his thoughts continually employ'd about her , he found that chamber more melancholy than a prison , which looks never pleasant , but on the outside . he was easily perswaded , that these who had provided him so fair a lodging , were none of his enemies ; and doubted not , but the lady who spo●e to him the day before in the church , was the conjurer that rais'd all those enchantments . he admir'd within himself the fancy of women , and how soon they put their designs in execution ; as for him , he resolv'd to wait patiently the end of this adventure , and be faithful to his invisible mistress , in spite of all the threats and promises he might receive in his new lodging . a little while after , servants in masks , and in very good cloaths came to lay the cloth , and then serv'd up supper . everything belonging to it was magnificent ; musick and persumes were not forgotten ; and don carlos not only gratifyed his smelling and hearing , but his tast also ; for he eat and drank , more than i thought a man in his condition could have done ! but what 's impossible to so great a courage ! i forget to tell you that he wash'd his mouth ; for i am inform'd he took great care of his teeth . the musick play'd yet a while after supper , and all being withdrawn , don carlos fetch'd many a turn about the room , reflecting on all these enchantments , or perhaps on something else ; then came in two gentlewomen and a dwarf all in masks , who without asking him whether he had a mind to go to bed , spread a magnificent toilet , in order to undress him . he comply'd with them in every thing . the gentlewomen turn'd down the bed-cloaths , and then withdrew : the dwarf pull'd off his shooes , stockings , or boots , and then his other cloaths ; all which being done without exchanging a word , don carlos went to bed , and slept pretty well for a man in love. at break of day he was wak'd by the singing of birds , that flutt●r'd in an aviary ; the dwars came to wait upon him , land brought him the finest linen in the world , and the best wash'd and perfum'd : if you think it fit , i shall not mention what he did till dinner , ( which was at least as good as supper has been ) but pass to the first breaking of that profound silence , which had been observ'd to that very hour . a gentlewoman in a mask began to speak , by asking him if he would be pleas'd to see the mistress of that inchanted palace . don carlos said , the should be welcom : and a little while after she came in , attended● by four gentlewomen very richly drest . such are not cythera's charms , when drest in gay and loose attire , she fly●s to a new lovers arms , upon the wings of soft desire . never had our spaniard seen a person of more majestick m●in● than this unknown urganda . he was so transported , and surpriz'd at the same time , that he stumbled at every bow and step he made , as he led her into the next room , whither she directed him . all the fine things he had seen in the other rooms , i mention'd before , were nothing in comparison to what he found in this last , which still receiv'd a new brightness from the lady in a mask . they walk'd on the finest foot-carpet that ever was seen , since foot-carpets have been in fashion : there the spaniard was plac'd on an arm-chair in spite of himself and the lady sitting by her self , on i know not how many fine cushions over against him , she ravish'd his ears with a voice as sweet as an harpscical , speaking to him to this effect . i doubt not , seignior don carlos , but you are much surpriz'd with what has hapn'd to you in my house , since yesterday ; but if all that is not able to move you , yet by it you may see i am as good as my word ; and from what i have done , you may guess what i am able to do . perhaps my rival both by her artifice , and the advantage she has of having attack● you first , has made her self absolute mistress of that heart , which i pretend to dispute with her : but a woman is not to be discourag'd by the first disappointment ; and if my fortune , which is not to be despis'd● with all that goes along with my person , cannot perswade you to love me ; yet i shall have the satisfaction of not concealing my self out of shame or deceit , and to chuse to be despis'd through my defects , rather than belov'd through my artifice . as she spoke these last words , she pull'd of her mask , and shew'd don carlos the heavens with all their glories for if you please , a heaven in miniatu●e : the finest head in the world , supported by the best shape he ever admir'd before ● in short , 〈◊〉 : person all over divine . by the freshness of her complexion , one would not have thought her to be above sixteen years of age ; but by a certain free and majestick air , which young : persons generally want , she appear'd to be near twenty . don carlos paus'd a while before he answer'd her , being almost angry with his invisible lady , who hinder'd him from surrendring● : himself 〈◊〉 to the finest person he ever saw , and di●bious what he should say or do : at last , after an inward conflict , which lasted so long , as to make the mistress of the inchanted palace uneasie , he took a firm resolution not to conceal from her his inmost● thoughts ; which without any manner of question , was the best thing he ever did in his life . this is the answer● he gave ●her , which some have found a little too blunt . madam , i could not but own my self extream happy in your esteem , if my s●●●s would suffer me to love you . i see well enough , that i leave the finest person in the universe , for one who perhaps is only such 〈◊〉 fancy ; but , madam , would you think me worth your affection , if you found me capable of infidelity ? and how can i be faithful , if i love you ? therefore , madam , pity me , but blame me not : or rather let us pity each other , and complain both ; you of not obtaining what you desire , and i of not seeing what i love . he utter'd these words with such a melancholy face , that the lady might easily take notice , he spoke his true sentiments . she used all the arguments she could think of to persuade him , but he was deaf to her prayerss and unconcern'd at her tears . she renew'd the attack several times , but met still with a stout resistance . at last she began to revile and reproach him , and told him , what rage and iealousie suggest● when they possest a love-sick breast● and there she left him , not to pick straws , but to curse a hundred times his misfortune , which proceeded only from being too happy . a gentlewoman came a little while after to acquaint him , that he had the liberty to walk in the garden . he traversed all these fine apartments , without meeting with any body , till he came to the stair-case , at the foot of which he saw ten men in masks , who kept the door , arm'd with pertizans and carbines . as he was crossing the court to go into ●he garden , one of the gentlemen of the guard accosted him without looking him in the face , and told him , as thô he fear'd to be heard : that an old gentleman had trusted him with a letter , which he promis'd to deliver into his own hands , tho' his life must answer for it , if he should be discover'd ; but that a present of twenty pistols , and a promise of as many more , made him run all hazards . don carlos promis'd to be secret , and went strait into the garden , where he read the following letter . you may judge what pain i am in , since i lost you , by that you ought to feel your self , if you love me as much as i do you . however , my uneasiness is something abated , since i am inform'd of the place where you are . 't is the princess porcia who stole you away ; she 's a woman that sticks at nothing to please her self , and you are not the first rinaldo , of that dangerous armida . but i will soon break all her inchantments , and disingage you from her arms , to receive you into mine , which favour you will deserve , if you are as constant as i wish you to be . the invisible lady . don carlos was so transported with joy , to receive the news from his lady , with whom he was really in love , that he kist the letter a hundred times over , and came back to the garden door , to recompense the messenger with a fine diamond ring he had on his finger . he walk'd a little longer in the garden , still wondering at the princess porcia , whom he often heard people report to be a young rich lady , of the best families in the kingdom ; and as he was a man of strict virtue , he conceiv'd such an aversion for her , that he resolv'd to break out of his prison , even at the hazard of his life . as he came out of the garden , he met a gentlewoman unmaskt , ( for from that time forward , every body went bare-fac'd in the palace ) who came to ask , if he would be pleas'd to have her mistress eat with him ? and i leave you to think whether he answer'd , she should , be welcome . a little while after they serv'd up supper , or dinner ; for i have forgot which of the two it ought to be . porcia appear'd more bright and handsom , i said just now , than venus citherea , and it will not be amiss , if for variety sake , i say now , than an angel : she was charming in every respect , all the time they were at table ; and the spaniard discover'd so much wit in her , that he was in a manner sorry , to find so many excellent qualities , so ill bestow'd on a person of so high a degree . he did all he could to appear in good humour , and force a pleasing countenance , although he was continually thinking upon his unknown mistress ; and burnt with impatience to return to the lattice-window . as soon as the table was clear'd , they were left by themselves , and because don carlos spoke not a word , either out of respect , or only to oblige the lady to speak first , she broke silence in these words . i know not whether i ought to hope something form the gaiety i fancy i have discover'd in your face ; and whether mine , which you have seen already , does seem handsom enough to you , as to make you doubt , whether that of your invisible mistress , has more charms to captivate your heart . i do not conceal what i design'd to present you with , because i would not have you repent the accepting of my present ; and though a person who is us'd to be instructed by others , be apt to be offended at a denial ; yet i will forgive you , provided you repair your past offence , by giving me what i have more right to , than your invisible : therefore tell me your last resolution , that if in case 〈◊〉 be not in my behalf , i may find out new reasons , strong enoug● to combate those , which i think i had to love you . don carlos thought she should have gone on with her speech , but fe●●●ng she spoke no more , and that with eyes fixt to the groun●●● she expected her doom from his mouth ; he follow'd his former resolution of telling her frankly , that he could never be hers , which he did in these words● madam , before i answer what you would know of me , i must desire you , that with the same frankness you expect from me , you would be pleas'd to tell me your sentiments , about what i am going to propose to you . suppose , added he , you had engag'd a man to love you , and that by all the favours a lady can grant without wronging her virtue , you had obliged him to swear an inviolable fidelity ; would you not account him the basest and most treacherous of mankind , if he should fail in his promise ? and were i not that villain , and that traytor , if i should leave for you , a person who has reason to think i love her ? he was going to frame abundance of logical arguments , in order to convince her ; but she did not give him time , and rising abruptly from her seat , told him : that she plainly saw the drift of his discourse ; that she could not but admire his constancy , tho' so much opposite to her own quiet ; that she would set him at liberty , and that she only desir'd him to stay till night , to go back in the same manner he came . while she was speaking , she held her hankerchief to her eyes , as though she design'd to conceal her tears , and left the spaniard a little concern'd ; but yet so transported with joy for being again at liberty , that he had not been able to conceal it , had he been the greatest hypocrite in the world ; and i verily believe , that had the lady taken notice of it , she would certainly have scolded at him for it . i know not whether 't was long before night came , for as i told you before i dont trouble my self any more , about marking the times or hours ; you must be contented to know that night came at last , and that he went into a close coach , and was set down at his lodgings , after a pretty long way . as he was the best master in the world , so his servants were like to die with joy at the sight of him , and almost stifled him with their embraces ; but they did not enjoy him long ; for having provided himself with arms , and taken two of his stoutest men along with him , he presently went to the grated-window in such great hast , that those who accompanied him , had much adoe to keep pace with him . he had no sooner given the usual signal , but his invisible deity communicated her self to him : and they exchanged such soft and tender expressions , that i can't forbear weeping whenever i think on ' em . at last● the lady told him , she was lately affronted in that house , and had sent for a coach in order to leave it ; but because it might be a long while a coming , she desir'd him to send for his , which might be sooner got ready ; and that she would carry him to a place , where she would no longer conceal her face from him . the spaniard needed no farther intreaty , but ran like a mad-man to his men , whom he left at the end of the street , and sent for his coach in all hast . the coach being come , the invisible lady kept her word , and went into it with don carlos . she directed the coachman which way he should drive , and bid him stop at a great house , into which the coach went by the light of several flamboys , which were lighted at their arrival . the cavalier leading his lady , went up stairs to a very large room , where he was a little uneasie , because she did not pull off her mask . at last several gentlewomen being come to receive them , each a candlestick in their hands , the lady was invisible no longer ; and pulling off her mask , she let don carles see , that the lady at the grated-window , and the princess porcia , were but one person . i will not endeavour to describe the pleasant surprize of the spaniard : the fair neapolitan told him , she had stollen him away a second time to know his last resolution ; that the lady at the lattice had made over to her all her pretensions , and added a thousand expressions , no less obliging than ingenious . don carlos threw himself at her feet , embrac'd her kness and devour'd as one may say , her hands with kisses : by that means avoiding all the impertinence and nonsense , which people generally speak when they are transported with joy. the raptures of his passion being over , he us'd all his wit , and eloquence to extol the agreeable caprice of his mistress , and exprest himself so well to her advantage , that he confirm'd her , she was not mistaken in her choice . she told him , she had been unwilling to trust any body but her self in a thing , without which she could never have lov'd him ; and that she would never have bestow'd her self upon a man less constant than himself . thereupon the princess porcia's relations came in , having had notice given them of her design : and as they were the chief men in the kingdom , they easily obtain'd a dispensation from the archbishop for their marriage . the same night the ceremony was perform'd by the parson of the parish , who was an honest priest , and a good preacher ; and so 't were needless to ask whether he made a fine exhorration upon the subject . 't is said , they got up late the next day , which i am inclin'd to believe . the news was soon spread about , at which the viceroy , a near relation of don carlos , was so overjoyd , that the publick rejoycings began anew in naples , where to this day they talk of don carlos of arragon , and of his invisible mistress . chap. x. how ragotin receiv'd a blow with a busk on the fingens . ragotin's story receiv'd a general applause , and he valued himself as much upon it , as if it had been his own ; which swelling his natural pride , he begun to treat the men-players with contempt , and then accosting the women , he took their hands without their consent , and offer'd to feel their breasts ; a piece of country gallantry , which shews more a satyr than a gentleman . mistress star contented her self to get her soft , fair hands from his dirty rough clutches ; but mistress angelica her companion , gave him a smiling wrap on the fingers with her busk . he left 'em abruptly , without so much as speaking a word , glowing with rage and confusion , and return'd to the man's company , where every one spoke as fast as he could , without minding what the rest said . ragotin silenc'd most of 'em , by asking 'em with a superior voice , what they thought of his novel . a young man , whose name i forgot ; answer'd him bluntly , it was no more his , than any body 's else in the company , since he had it out of a book ; whereupon he pull'd one which stuck out of ragotin's pocket , who scratch'd his hands to get it from him ; but in spite of ragotin , he put it into another man's hands , from whom ragotin , endeavour'd to snatch it , to as little purpose , the book having got by this time into a third man's hands ; in the same manner it pass'd to five or six different hands , which ragotin could not reach , because he was the shortest man in the company . at last having stretch'd himself five or six times in vain , torn half a dozen cuffs , and scratch'd as many hands , and the book still travelling about through the middle region of the chamber , poor ragotin , who saw every body laugh at his expence , rush'd like a mad-man upon the first author of his confusion , and dealt him several blows on his belly and his thighs , not being able to reach higher . the hands of his adversary , who had the advantage of the place , fell five or six times so perpendicular , and so heavy on the top of his head , that the crown of his hat sunk down to his very chin ; which so shook the seat of his reason , that the poor little man did not know where he was . to compleat his defeat , his antagonist at parting , gave him a sound kick on the head , which after a very sudden retrogradation , made him fall on his breech , at the women-players feet . now if possible , i would have you to imagine the rage and fury of a little man , more proud than all the barbers in the kingdom , at a time when he was cock-a-hoop about his story ; and that too , before players , to whom he design'd to make love ; as you shall see anon , though he was yet ignorant , which of 'em had a greater title to his heart . to speak the truth , his little body thus tumbled on his breech , did so lively represent the fury of his soul , by the different motions of his arms and legs , that tho' his face could not be seen , because his whole head was enchas'd in his hat , yet all the assistants thought fit to join together , and make as it were a barrier 'twixt ragotin and his adversary , who by this means got away , whilst the charitable women-players rais'd the poor little man , roaring like a lion in his hat , which stopt his eyes and his mouth , and hinder'd him from fetching his breath . now the difficulty was how to pull off his hat ; for its crown being in form of a butter-pot , and the mouth of it narrower than the bottom , god knows whether a head that got it in by force , and whose nose was so very large , was able to get out of it the same way . this misfortune occasion'd a great good ; for in all probability his anger was at the highest , and without doubt , its effects had been answerable to it , had not his hat which suffocated him , made him consult his own preservation , rather than to contrive the destruction of another . he did not cry for help , because he had not the use of his tongue : but when they perceiv'd that he lifted up in vain his trembling hands to his head , in order to set it at liberty , and stamp'd the floor with rage and indignation , for tearing his nails to no purpose , they all bent their thoughts on his relief . the first efforts they made to pull off his hat , were so violent , that he thought they were going to pluck his head from his shoulders : at last being almost spent . he made signs with his fingers to have his hat cut with a pair of cizars . mistress cave unclapst those she wore on her girdle , and rancour who was to perform the operation , having made a shew of making the incision over against his face , ( which did not a little fright him ) at last he slit his hat behind his head , from top to bottom . as soon as he had given vent to his face , all the company fell a laughing to see it so bloated , as if it was ready to burst , for the vast quantity of spirits that flush'd to it ; and besides , his nose was excoriated . however , the jest had gone no farther , had not a bungling taylor advis'd him to get his hat fine-drawn . this unseasonable advice so revived his anger , which was not entirely extinguish'd , that he laid hold of one of the andirons , and threatning to fling it amidst the company , put the stoutest of 'em all in such a fright , that every one ran to the door , in order to avoid the impending blow of the andiron ; they press'd so much upon one another , that not above one was able to go out ; and that too by a fall , his sparr'd leggs having entangled themselves with those of the rest . ragotin fell a laughing in his turn , which gave all the company fresh courage ; they return'd him his book , and the players lent him an old hat. he fell into a violent passion against the man who us'd him so scurvily ; but being more vain than revengeful , he told the players , with the air of one who was going to promise 'em some extraordinary thing ; that he had a mind to make a play out of his story , and wou'd contrive it so well , that he was sure to get as much reputation by that single piece , as other poets had gain'd by several . destiny told him , the story he related was very entertaining , but not fit for the stage . sure , said ragotin , i hope you won't pretend to teach me ; i would have you to know , that my mother was seamstress to garnier the poet , and i my self have one of his ink-horns at home , destiny reply'd , that garnier would get no reputation by it , if he was to do it himself . but what difficulty do you find in it , ask'd ragotin . the difficulty , answer'd destiny , is , that it cannot be brought into a regular play , without committing a great many faults , both in point of decorum and judgment . as for that , said rogatin , a man of my parts , may make new rules when he pleases . pray consider , added he , what a new and magnificent thing at once it would be , to represent a great church-gate on the front of the stage , before which twenty beaux more or less , with as many ladies , should speak a thousand fine things to one another , would it not ravish all the spectators with admiration ? i am so far of your opinion , continued he , that one ought to observe decorum and good manners , and therefore i would not make my actors speak within the church . destiny interrupted him , to ask him where they could get so many gentlemen and ladies ? and how do they do in colleges , said ragotin , where they fight pitch'd battels ? i my self plaid at la flesche , the overthrow at the bridge de sé , added he ; above a hundred soldiers of the queen mothers party appear'd on the stage , besides those of the kings army , which was more numerous : and i rememeber , that by reason of a great shower that spoil'd the sport , 't was reported , that all the feathers of the country-gentry , which was borrow'd on this occasion , would never come to themselves again . destiny , who took great delight in hearing him say all these judicious things , reply'd , that colleges had scholars enough for that purpose , whereas their company did never consist in above seven or eight persons : rancour , who , you know , was a malicious dog , sided with ragotin , the better to help to make him ridiculous , and told his comrade , he was not of his oplnion : that he had been a player before him ; that a church-gate wou'd be the finest scene that ever was seen ; and as for the necessary number of gentlemen and ladies , that they might have some , and represent the rest with pastboard . this fine expedient of pastboard , invented by rancour , set all the company a laughing : ragotin laugh'd with the rest , and swore he knew it well enough , but had a mind to keep it to himself . as for the coaches , added he , will it not be a novelty in a play ? i formermerly personated tobiah's dog , and did it so to the life , that the whole audience was highly pleas'd with it , taking me to be a real dog. as for me , continued he , if we may judge of things by the effects they work upon our minds , i never saw piramus and thisbe acted , but i was less concern'd at erasmus's death , than frighted by the roaring of the lion. rancour back'd ragotin's reasons by others as ridiculous , and by that means ingratiated himself so far with him , that ragotin took him to supper with him . all the other impertinents left also the players at liberty ; who had much rather go to supper , than entertain the idle coxcombs of the town . chap. xi . which contains what you will see , if you will take the pains to read it . ragotin carried rancour into a tavern , where he call'd for the best things the house could afford . 't is thought he did not carry him to his own house , because his commons were but indifferent ; but i will say nothing about it , for fear of making rash judgments ; neither did i care to enquire into the truth of the business , because i do not think it worth my while , especially having matters of far grater importance to realte . rancour , who was a man of great discernment , and knew his men at first sight , no sooner saw a brace of partridges and a capon serv'd up for two people , but he began to think that ragotin had some design or other , and did not treat him so well , either upon account of his own merit , or to repay the complaisance he had for him , in maintaining his story to be a good subject for a play. he therefore expected to hear some new extravagance from ragotin , who , however , did not discover his thoughts at first , but continued speaking about his novel . he recited several lampoons he had made upon most of his neighbours , upon some cuckolds , that were nameless ; and upon some women : he sung drunken songs , and shew'd him abundance of acrosticks and anagrams ; which are generally the first things with which your paltry rhimers being to plague men of sense . rancour made him a compleat coxcomb ; for he cry'd up all he heard , with eyes lifted up to heaven , and swore like a losing gamester , that he never heard any thing so fine : nay , he was so transported , that he made a shew of pulling off his hair. he told him now and then , 't is a great misfortune both for you and us , that you do not leave all other business to write for the stage ; for in two or three years time corneille would be no more talk'd of , than hardy is now adays . i am , added he , an absolute stranger to flattery ; but to encourage you , i must needs own , i no sooner saw you , but i read in your face that you were a great poet ; and you may know of my comrades what i told 'em about it . i am seldom mistaken : i smell a poet at two miles distance ; and therefore as soon as ever i cast my eyes on you , i was acquainted with you , as well as if i had brought you up . all this fulsom stuff went down with ragotin as glib as several glasses of wine , which he drank at the same time , and which intoxicated his brain , as much as rancour's commendations swell'd his vanity . as for rancour he eat and drank very briskly , erying out now and then , for god's sake , monsieur ragotin , improve your talent : once more let me tell you , you are much to blame , not to make your fortune and ours . for my part , i scraul a little paper as well as other people , but if i made verses half so good as these you have been reading to me , i should not be so hard put to it to keep life and soul together , but would live upon my income as well as mondors . therefore , monsieur ragotin , pray write ; and if this next winter we do not eclipse the companies of the hostel de bourgoyne , and des marez , may i never tread the stage again without breaking one of my arms or legs , i 'll say no more , and so let 's drink . he was as good as his word ; and having pet a double measure into a glass , he drank monsieur ragotin's health to monsieur ragotin himself , who did him reason accordingly , and return'd it with the health of the ( women ) players . this he drunk cap in hand , and in such a rapture , that as he laid the glass on the table , he broke its foot , without taking notice on 't . and went three or four times to set it upright , but finding it impossible , he at last flung it over his head , and pull'd rancour by the sleeve , to let him know he had the honour of breaking a glass in drinking the players health : it vex'd him a little that rancour did not laugh at it ; but , as i said before , he was rather an envious than a risible animal . rancour ask't him , what he thought of their women ? — the little man blush'd without giving him an answer : but rancour putting the same question to him again , at last , what by his sturtering , his blushing , and his broken speech , he let rancour understand he lik'd one of the players extremely . but which of em ? said rancour . the little man was so disorder'd for having said so much , that he answer'd , i don't know — nor i neither , said rancour . this reply cast him into greater disorder ; and , with a bewilder'd look , he said , 't is , 't is — he repeated the same word five or six times over again ; at which the stroller growing impatient , i like your choice , said he , she 's a very beautiful person . this put him quite out of countenance , insomuch that he could never tell which he lov'd most ; though it may be he knew nothing of it himself , or that his passion was rather lust than love. at last rancour naming mrs. star to him , he said , 't was she with whom he was in love : for my part , i verily believe , that had he nam'd either angelica , or her mother cave , he had forgot the blow he had receiv'd with a busk from the one , and the age of the other , and given himself , body and soul , to the very first that rancour had nam'd . so great was the trouble of goatish ragotin . the stroller made him drink a great bumper , which carried off part of his confusion , and pledg'd him with another ; which done , he looking about the room , whisper'd , as though it were a great secret , though there was no body . well , your wound is not mortal , and you have address'd your self to one who is able to cure you , provided you will be rul'd by him , and keep counsel , not but your enterprize is very difficult ; for mrs. star is a very tygress , and her brother destiny a lion : but she does not see men every day like you , and i know what i can do , let 's drink out our liquor , and to morrow will be day , they drank each a glass of wine , which interrupted their conversation for a while . after that ragotin had recounted all his accomplishments and riches , and told rancour , that a nephew of his was clerk to a financier ; that this nephew had contracted a great friendship with the partisan de ralliere , during the time he was at mans , to settle an excise-office there ; and by the means of his nephew's interest he endeavour'd to give him hopes that he would procure him such a pension from the king as his players in ordinary had . he told him likewise , that if any of his relations had children , he would prefer 'em in the church ; because his niece was married to the brother of a certain miss , kept by the steward of an abbot of that province , who had good livings in his gift . whilst ragotin was thus relating what great interest he had , who the more he drank the more thirsty he grew , was still filling both the glasses , which were emptied in an instant , ragotin not daring to refuse any thing from the hands of a man from whom he expected such a great piece of service . in short , they swill'd till they had both their fill . rancour , according to his custom , grew more serious , and ragotin so dull and heavy , that he laid his head down on the table , and fell asleep . rancour call'd one of the maids to make a bed ready for him , because no body was up at his inn. the maid told him , she had as good make two , for she was sure monsieur ragotin wanted one . in the mean time he slept and snor'd as well as ever he did in his life , for all the noise they made while they were putting clean sheets to two of the three beds that were in the room : but when the maid came to wake him , and acquaint him his bed was ready , he call'd her a thousand whores , and threatned to beat her . at last rancour , having turn'd him in his chair towards the fire , at which the sheets were air'd , he rubb'd and open'd his eyes , and suffer'd himself to be undrest without repining . they got him into his bed as well as they could ; and rancour , having first made the chamber-door fast , went into his . about an hour after , ragotin got up , to what purpose i never could learn. he rambled a long time about the room , not knowing where he was ; and having overturn'd all the chairs and tables he met in his way , and tumbled down himself several times , without being able to find his bed again ; he went at last to rancour's , and pulling his bed-cloaths made him start out of his sleep . rancour ask'd him , what he would have ? i look for my bed , said ragotin — 't is on the left hand of mine , reply'd rancour . the little drunken man took to the right , and thrust himself betwixt the rug and the straw-bed of the third bed , which had neither feather-bed , quilt , nor sheets , and there he slept all night very quietly till next morning . rancour got up and dress'd himself before ragotin wak'd ; and then ask'd him , whether ; 't was to do pennance that he left his bed to sleep on straw ? ragotin was positive that he never got up , and that the room must be haunted . the inkeeper hearing this , stood up for the reputation of his house , and picking a quarrel with ragotin , threatned to sue him for giving it an ill name . but i have sufficiently exercis'd your patience with the tedious story of ragotin's debauch , let us return to the strollers inn. chap. xii . a combat in the night . i am too much a man of honour not to advertise the courteous reader , that if he be offended at all the silly trifles he had already seen in this present book , he will do well not to go on with the reading of it ; for , upon my conscience , he must expect nothing else , altho' the book shou'd swell to the bigness of the grand cyrus : and if from what he had read , he doubts what will follow , perhaps i am in the same doubt as well as he : for one chapter draws on another , and i do with my book as some do with their horses they bestride , having the bridle on their neck , and trusting to their good conduct . but perhaps i have a fix'd design , and without filling my books with examples for imitation , i shall instruct with delight in the same manner as a drunken man creates in us an aversion for drunkenness , and may sometimes divert us by his merry impertinence . let 's end this moral reflexion , and return to our strollers , whom we left in the inn. as soon as their room was clear'd , and rancour got with ragotin , the door-keeper they left at tours came into the inn , with a horse loaden with goods , and sat down to supper with ' em . by this relation , and what they learnt from one another , they understood how the intendant of the province cou'd do them no harm , having had much ado to escape himself from the hands of the boistrous mob , with his fuziliers . destiny told his comrades how he got away with his turkish habit , with which he design'd to represent marret's soliman ; and that being inform'd that the plague was at alencon , he was come to mans with cave and rancour , in the same equipage we have describ'd in the beginning of these most true , though little heroical adventures . mistress star acquainted 'em also with the good offices she receiv'd from a lady at tours , whose name never came to my knowledge , and how by her means she was conducted as far as a village near bonnestable , where she sprain'd her foot as she alighted off her horse . she added that hearing the company was gone to mans , she got her self carried thither in a litter , which the lady of that village lent her with a great deal of civility . after supper , destiny alone stay'd in the lady's chamber ; cave lov'd him as if he had been her own son ; mistress star was no less dear to her ; and her daughter and only heir angelica , lov'd destiny and star , like a brother and a sister . she did not yet exactly know who they were , nor upon what account they turn'd players ; but she had taken notice , that though they call'd one another brother and sister , yet they were better friends than near relations , that destiny paid to star the greatest respect imaginable ; that she was extream modest and virtuous : and as destiny had a great deal of wit , and seem'd to have a liberal education , so mistress star look'd more like a young lady of quality , than like a stroller . now destiny and star were belov'd by cave and her daughter● , because they really deserv'd their love both by their good qualities , and the mutual friendship which they naturally had for two players , who had as much merit as any in france , though they never had the good fortune to tread either of the two theaters in paris , which are the non plus ultra of french players . those who do not understand these three little latin words ( which came so pat in my way , that i could not refuse to place 'em here ) may be pleas'd to ask some latinist of their acquaintance the meaning of ' em . to end the digression ; destiny and star did not scruple to express their mutual fondness before cave and angelica , and shew the extream joy they had to see each other after so long an absence . they related , as pathetically as ever they cou'd . how uneasie they were about each other ; and destiny acquainted mrs. star , that the last time they acted at tours , he thought he spy'd their inveterate persecutor amongst the crowd of their auditors , although he had his cloak about his face ; and that as he went out of the city , not finding himself able to resist him , if he should offer to attack him with his force , he had disguis'd himself by putting a great patch on his face . he told her afterwards , how many litters they met with when they went to fetch her , adding , he was much mistaken if their common enemy was not the same unknown man , who search'd so nicely all the litters , as you have seen in the seventh chapter . whilst destiny was speaking , poor mistress star cou'd not forbear shedding some few tears : destiny was sensibly touch'd with 'em ; and having comforted her as well as he cou'd , he added , that if she wou'd suffer him to use the same endeavours in seeking out their enemy , as he had us'd till then in avoiding him , he wou'd soon free her from his persecutoins , or lose his life in the attempt . these last words redoubled her grief : destiny had not courage enough not to grieve also ; and cave and her daughter , who were of a tender and compassionate temper , griev'd , either out of complaisance , or by contagion , and i believe they did even weep . i cannot tell whether destiny wept , but this i know , that the women and he were silent a long while ; and in the mean time every one wept as they thought fit . at last cave renew'd the conversation which tears had interrupted , and reproach'd destiny and star , that though during all the time they had liv'd together , they might have seen how much she was their friend , yet they repos'd so little confidence in her and her daughter , that they were still unacquainted with their birth and quality ; adding she had not met with crosses enough in her life , to be able to advise unfortunate persons , such as they seem'd to be . to which destiny answer'd , that their not discovering themselves to her , was not out of any distrust , but because he thought the recital of their misfortunes could not but be very tedious ; telling her withal , he would be ready to entertain her with the story of their adventures , whenever she was willing to throw any time away upon the hearing of it . cave was glad of this opportunity of satisfying her curiosity ; and her daughter , who had the same eager desire , being sat near her on stat 's bed. destiny was going to begin his story , when they heard a great noise in the next chamber . destiny stood listning a little while ; but the noise and the squabble encreas'd instead of ceasing , and some body cry'd out , murder , help , murder — destiny with three leaps got out of the chamber , at the expence of his doublet , which cave and angelica tore as they were going to stop him . he went into the chamber from whence the noise came , which was so dark that he could not see his own nose ; and where the fisty-cuffs , boxes on the ears , and several confus'd voices of fighting men and women , together with the hallow noise of naked feet stamping on the floor , made an hideous and frightful uproar . he ran very rashly amongst the combatants , and in one moment receiv'd a cuff on one side , and a box on the ear on the other ; which changed his good intention of parting those hobgoblins , into a violent thirst of of revenge . he began to set his hands a-going . and made a flourish with his two arms , by which many a maim'd chops were abus'd , as it afterwards appear'd by his bloody fists . the scuffle lasted so long till he receiv'd twenty cuffs more which he returnd with double the number . in the heat of the fight , he felt himself bit at the calf of the leg , and clapping his hands to it , he met with something hairy , which he took to be a dog ; but cave and her daughter who appear'd at the chamber door with a candle , like the fire of saint 〈◊〉 after a storm , espy'd destiny , and let him see he was amidst seven persons in their shirts , who being in close conflict before , begun to let one another go , as soon as the light appear'd : this tranquility did not last long : the innkeeper who was one of the naked combitants , grappl'd the poet anew ; olive who was also amongst 'em , was attack'd by the innkeeper's man ; another of the combatants , destiny went to part em ; whereupon the hostess , who was the animal that bit him , and whom he took for a dog , because she was bare-headed , and had short hair , flew at his face , assisted by two maids , as naked and bearheaded as her self . the shreeks and cries fill'd the air once more , the cuffs and boxes made the room ring again , and the fight grew still warmer than before . at last several persons who wak'd at the noise , came into the field of battel , parted the combatants , and procur'd a second suspension of arms. now the question was to know the occasion of the quarrel , and what fatal accident had brought seven naked persons into one room . olive , who seem'd the least concern'd of all , said , that the poet was gone out of the room , and that he saw him come back as fast as he could run , follow'd by the innkeeper , who had a mind to beat him ; that the hostess follow'd her husband , and fell foul of the poet ; that as he was going to part 'em , a servant and two maids fell upon him ; and that the light happening to go out at the same time , made the fight last longer than 't would have done . now 't was the poet's turn to speak for himself : he said , that he had made two of the finest stanza's that ever were written , since stanza's were in fashion ; and fearing to lose 'em , he went to the maid of the inn for a candle , which they scornfully refused to give him ; that the inn-keeper call'd him rope-dancer , which he return'd by calling him cuckold . he had no sooner spoke the word , but the host who was within reach , gave him a good slap on the chops ; you would have thought they made a fighting consort together ; for as soon as the box on the ear was given , the inn-keeper's wife , his man and his maids rush'd upon the strollers , who receiv'd 'em with sound cuffs . this last encounter was more fierce and obstinate , that the other two . destiny having clos'd with a lusty wench , and tuck'd up her smock , gave her a thousand flaps on the butrocks ; olive , who saw the company pleas'd with it , did the same to the other maids . the inn-keeper was busie with the poet ; and the hostess , the most furious of all the combatants , was seizd by some of the spectarors , which made her fly into such a passion , that she cry'd out , theves . her cries awak'd la rappiniere , who liv'd over against the inn. he caus'd the door to be open'd , and judging by the noise he heard , that there could be no less than seven or eight people kill'd upon the spot ; he parted the fray in the king's name ; and having learnt the cause of all the disturbance , he exhorted the poet not to make any more verses in the night-time , and was like to beat the inn-keeper and his wife for giving a hundred abusive names to the players , whom they call'd jack-puddings and tumblers , swearing withal , to turn them out of doors the next day ; but la rappiniere to whom the inn-keeper ow'd money , threatned to arrest him , which threatning presently stopt his mouth . la rappiniere , went home again , the rest return'd to their chambers , and destiny to that of the players , where cave desir'd him not to defer any longer , to give her the story of his , and his sisters adventures . he told her , he was ready to satisfie her curiosity , and begun his relation in the same manner you shall see in the next chapter . chap. xiii . the history of destiny and mistress star. i was born in a village near paris , and i might make you believe , that i came of a very illustrious family , since no body can disprove what a stranger says of himself ; but i am too generous , and too much a lover of truth , to deny the meanness of my extraction . my father was one of the topping , and most substantial men in his village , whom i often heard say , that he was a poor gentleman's son ; that he spent his youth in the wars , where having got nothing but dry blows , and empty pockets , he betook himself to the service of a rich parisian lady , in the quality of her gentleman-usher ; and that having scrap'd a sum of money in his place , ( because he was also the steward and caterer of the house , and had the knack of emptying his mistress purse to fill his own pockets ) he marryed an old waiting-woman of the family , who dy'd soon afte● , and left him all she got in her service . being soon weary of his condition of a widower , and no less of that of a servant . he marryed a country-woman , who furnish't his lady's house with bread : and 't is to this last marriage i owe my birth . my father was call'd gariques ; what country he was of , i never could learn ; and as for my mother's name , it signifies nothing to my story . let it suffice , that she was more coverous than my father , and my father more covetous than she , and that they had both a pretty large conscience . my father had the honour of being the inventer of the piece of flesh tied with a string to the pot-handle , which having boil'd a considerable time , may be taken out again , and serve several times to make soop . i could tell a hundred more pieces of husbandry , which gain'd him with justice , the reputation of a man of wit and invention ; but for fear of being tedious , i will content my self with relating only two , which may seem incredible , though most certainly true . he bought up a great quantity of corn , with design to sell it very dear , if the year should prove bad ; but the harvest being plentiful , and corn falling in its price , he was so possess'd by despair , and the devil , that he had a mind to hang himself . one of his neighbours who happen'd to be in the room when he enter'd upon that noble design , and had hid her self for fear of being seen , ( for what reason , i know not ) was not a little surpriz'd , when she saw him hang on one of the joynts of the cieling . she ran to him , crying out , help , help ; she ran to cut the rope , and by the help of my mother , who came to the noise , got it from his neck : perhaps they repented the doing of so good an action , for he beat 'em both to mummy ; and made that poor woman pay for the rope she had cut , by stopping some money he ow'd her . his other prowess is no less strange : he grudged himself whatever he eat , and his wife being brought to bed of a boy , the fancy took him in the crown , that she had milk enough to nourish both his son and himself ; and hop'd , that by sucking his wife , he would save bread , and live upon a food of easie digestion . my mother's wit was much inferior to his , though her avarice was as great ; but though she did not invent things as my father did , yet having once conceiv'd 'em , she put 'em in execution more exactly than he . she therefore try'd to nourish both her son and husband with her own milk , and ventur'd also to feed upon it her self with so much obstinacy , that the little innocent creature was starv'd to death ; and my father and mother so weakned , and so famish'd , that when they came to eat , they surfeited themselves , and fell both sick upon it . some time after my mother went with child with me , and having happily brought forth a most unhappy creature ; my father went to paris , to desire his mistress to stand godmother to his son , with an honest church-man , residing at his village where he had a benefice . as he was returning home in the evening , to avoid the heat of this day , and pass'd through a great strect in the suburbs , the houses whereof were for the most part a building ; he saw afar off by the moon-shine , something that glister'd to his eyes , as it was crossing of the strect . he did not think it worth his while to enquire what it was ; but hearing the groans of one in pain , at the same place where what he had seen vanish'd out of sight , he boldly enter'd one of those unfinish'd buildings , where he found a woman sitting on the ground . the place she was in , receiv'd sufficient light from the moon , as to let my father perceive that she was very young , and very richly clad , having a gown of silver tissue , which was the glistering thing my father saw a moment before . you must not question , but my father , who did not want resolution , was less surpriz'd than the young lady ; but she was in a condition , that nothing worse could happen to her . this consideration gave her the assurance to speak first , and tell my father , that if he was a christian , he would take pity on her ; that she was in labour ready to be brought to bed , and the maid she sent for a ●usty midwife , not returning , she slipt away from her house , without waking any body , her maid having left the door open , that she might come in again without making a noise . she had scarce made an end of this short relation , when she was deliver'd us a child which my father receiv'd into the lappet of his cloak . he acted the midwife as well as he could , and the young lady conjur'd him to carry away the little creature with all speed , to take care of it ; and not to fail two days after , to go to an old churchman she nam'd to him , who would give him money , and all necessary orders for the nursing of the child . at this word money , my father who had a penurious soul , was going to display all the eloquence of a gentleman-usher , but she would not give him time ; she put into his hands a ring , for a token to the priest he was to go to from her ; caus'd him to swaddle the young creature in her neck-handkerchief , and sent him away in hast , maugre his unwillingness to leave her in the condition she was in . i am inclin'd to believe , she had much adoe to get home again ; as for my father , he return'd to his village , gave the child to his wife , and did not fail two days after , to go to the old priest , and shew him the ring . he learnt of him , that the child's mother was a young lady of a very good family , and very rich , that she got this child by a scotch lord , who was gone into ireland to raise soldiers for the king's service ; and that this foreign lord had promis'd her marriage . moreover the priest told him , that by reason of her precipitate delivery , she was fallen desperate sick , and being in that extremity , she consest all to her father and mother , who instead of chiding her , endeavour'd to comfort her , because she was an only child ; that the thing was a secret in the house , and afterwards he assur'd my father , that if he would take care of the child , and keep council , his fortune was made . thereupon he gave him fifty crowns , and a bundle of all sorts of things necessary for a child my father return'd home after he had well dined with the parson . i was put out to nurse , and the stranger kept at home in my stead . a month after the scotch lord came back , and having found his mistress so very ill , that she would not live much longer , he married her one day before she died , and so was no sooner husband , than widower . he came two or three days after to our town , with the parents of his wife . there they began to weep afresh , and were like to stif●le the child with kisses ; my father had reason to be thankful to the scotch lord for his generosity , and the parents of the child did not forget him . they return'd to paris very much satisfied with the care my father and mother took of their son , whom they would not yet take to paris with them , because the marriage was still kept secret , for some reasons which never came to my knowledge . as soon as i was able to walk , my father took me home , to keep the young earl of glaris company , ( for so he was call'd by his father's name ) . the natural antipathy which is said to have been between iacob and esau , in the very womb of their mother , was never greater than that which was between the young earl and me . my father and mother lov'd him tenderly , and had an aversion for me , though i was the more hopeful boy of the two : there appear'd nothing but mean in him : as for me , i seem'd to be what i was not , and rather an earl's son than gariquet's ; and if i am at last no more than a wretched player , 't is undoubtedly , because fortune had a mind to be reveng'd upon nature , for designing to make me something without her help ; or if you please , because nature is sometimes willing to favour those whom fortune is cross to . i shall pass over in silence , the infancy of two young clowns , ( for glaris was such by inclination , as much as my self ) since our most memorable adventures were nothing but abundance of fisty-cuffs . in all the quarrels we had together , i always got the better of him , except when my father and mother sided with him , which they did so often , and with so much heat , that my godfather monsieur saint sauveur by name , was highly offended at it , and demanded me of my father . he made him a present of me with great joy , and my mother had yet less regret than he to lose me . thus i was at my godfathers well clad , well fed ; much caress'd , and never beaten . he spar'd no cost to make me learn to read and write ; and as soon as i was fit to learn latin , he obtain'd of the lord of the village , who was a very civil gentleman , and very rich , that i should study with two of his sons , under a learned man he had from paris , and to whom he gave a very good salary . this gentleman , the baron d'arques by name , took great care to have his sons well brought up . the eldest call'd saint far , was a handsom gentleman , but as untractably rough and brutish in his nature , as ever any man was ; to make amends , the young brother was both handsomer than saint far , and had a vivacity of mind , and a greatness of soul equal to the beauty of his body . in short , i do not think there ever was a more hopeful young gentleman than vervelle , for this was the younger brother's name . he honour'd me with his friendship , and as for me , i lov'd him like a brother , and ever respected him as a master . as for saint far , he had none but ill inclinations , and i cannot better express the sentiments he had both for his brother and me , than by telling you , that he lov'd not his brother more than me , for whom he had a great indifference ; and that he hated me no more than he did his brother , whom he lov'd but little . his diversions were indifferent from ours , for he lov'd nothing but hunting , and quoted books of morality ; whereas vervelle seldom went out a hunting , and took great delight in reading , wherein i agreed wonderfully with him , as in every thing else , without being put to the trouble of doing any thing out of complaisance , as in duty i ought . the baron d'arques had a large library of romances : our tutor who had never read any in his college , who at first forbad us the reading of 'em and had condemn'd 'em a hundred times before the baron d'arques , to render 'em as odious to him , as he found 'em delightful , grew at last so much in love with 'em himself , that having devour'd both the old and the new ones , he confest that the reading of good romances , was as instructive as pleasant , and no less proper to inspire young people with noble sentiments , than the reading of plutarch . he therefore encourag'd us to read 'em , as earnestly as he had discourag'd us before , and first of all advis'd us to peruse the modern ; but these were not yet suitable to our palate , and till we were fifteen , we were much more delighted by the reading of amadis de gaul , than astrea ; and other fine romances that have been made since , by which the french have shewn to the world , as by a thousand things besides ; that if they do not invent so much as other nations , yet they bring the inventions of others to a far greater persection . we therefore bestow'd upon the reading of romances , the greatest part of the time we had allow'd us for diversion . as for saint far , he call'd us the ruyters , and went abroad every day either to hunt , or to beat the poor country fellows , which he did with wonderful succes● . the inclination i had to do well , gain'd me the favour of the baron d'arques , who lov'd me no less , than if i had been his near relation , he would not suffer me to leave his sons , when he sent 'em to the academy , but sent me thither along with 'em ; rather as a companinon , than a servant . there we stay'd about two year to learn our exercises , at the end of which time , a man of quality , related to the baron d'arques , raising soldiers for the venetians , saint far and verville persuaded their father to let 'em go to venice with their kinsman . the good gentleman desir'd that i should accompany 'em still , and monsieur de saint sauveur my godfather , who lov'd me extreamly , gave me very gener ously bills of exchange for a considerable sum , to make use of 〈◊〉 in case those i had the honour to accompany , should be unwilling to bear my charges . we went the longest way about on purpose to see rome , and the other fine cities of italy , in each of which we staid a considerable time , excepting those which are in the spaniard's hands . i fell sick at rome , and the two brothers went on their journey ; the gentleman under whose conduct they were , being willing to lay hold on the opportunity of the pope's gallies , which were putting out to sea to joyn the venetian army near the streights of the dardanells , where they waited for the turks . verville was extraordinary sorry to leave me , and i almost mad to part from him at a time , when by my services i might in some measure have deserv'd the love he had for me . as for saint far , i believe he lest me with as much indifference , as if he had never seen me ; and i never thought on him , but only because he was brother to verville , who left me as much money as he could spare ; but whether saint . far was consenting , i cannot tell . thus i was sick at rome , having no other acquaintance besides my landlord , a fleming apothecary , who took extraordinary care of me during my illness , and who , as far as i can judge , had more skill in physick , than the italian , doctor , who look't after me , at last i recover'd , and gather'd strength enough to go and view the most remarkable places in rome , where stranger 's find abunda●●ly wherewithal to entertain their curiosity . i took a singular delight in veiwing the vines , ( thus are call'd several gardins , finer than the tuilleri●s in paris , which cardinals and other persons of quality keep with much cost in rome , rather out of vanity , than for their own entertainment , since they never , or at least very seldom , go there themselves , ) one day as i was walking in one of the finest , i saw at the turning of a wall , two women very genteelly drest , whom two young frenchmen stopt , and would not let go , unless the youngest of 'em unvail'd her face . one of those two frenchmen who look'd like the master of the other , had even the insolence to offer to unvail her by force , whilst his man held the other , who was barefac'd i was not long debating what i should do on this occasion , but told presently to those rude men , that i was resolv'd not to suffer the violence they offer'd to those women . they were both very much surpriz'd , for i spoke with such resolution , as would have daunted 'em , had they had their swords as well as my self . the two women came over to me , and the young frenchman chusing rather to be balk'd than beaten , told me as he went away ; sir , for all your hectoring , we shall meet you in some place or other , where the swords shall not be all on one side . i answer'd i would not hide my selfe : his man follow'd him , and so i staid with the two women . she that had no vail on , look'd to be about five and thirty : she return'd me thanks in good french , without any mixture of italian , and told me amongst other things , that if all frenchmen were like me , the italian women would not scruple to live after the french 〈◊〉 . after that , to reward the service i had done 'em , she added ; that since i hindred that rude frenchman from seeing 〈◊〉 daughter against her will , 't was reasonabled should see her of her own accord ; therefore , said the , 〈◊〉 take up your vail , and let the gentleman know that we are not altogther unworthy of the honour of being under his protection . she had scarce done speaking , ●●t her daughter drew her vail , or rather discover'd a sun which dazl'd my eyes . i never beheld so beautiful an object in my life : she cast three or four times her eyes on me , as it were by stealth , and as they still met with mine , the innocent blushes which over-spread her face , made her look as handsom as an angel. i perceiv'd the mother was very fond of her , for she seem'd to share the pleasure i had in looking upon her . now by reason i was little us'd too these adventures ; and that young people are easily dash'd out of countenance in strangs company , i made 'em but indifferent complements when they went away , and gave 'em perhaps but an ill opinion of my wit. i was angry with my self for 〈◊〉 asking their habitation , and that i did not offer to wait upon 'em thither ; but 't was preposterous to run after ' em . i went to the door-keeper to inquire whether the knew 'em , but we were 〈◊〉 long while before we could understand one another , because he spoke no better french , than i did italian . at last , rather by signs , than otherwise , he gave me to understand that , they were unknown to him , at least he would not own he knew'em . i return'd to my fleming apothecary , in a very different disposition of mind from what i was in when i came out ; that is to say , very amorous , and very much in pain to know whether that beautiful leonora , was a courtezan or an honest woman , and if she had as much wit as her mother , who seem'd to have a great deal . i abandoned my self to thinking , and flatter'd my self-with a thousand fair hopes , which entertain'd me a little while , but disquieted me much more when i consider'd the impossibility of my wishes . having fram'd a thousand frivolous designs , i resolv'd at last to seek 'em out , not thinking it possible for 'em to remain long invisible in rome , ( which is not a populous city , ) especially to a man so much in love as i was . that very day i look'd for 'em where-ever i thought it most likely to find 'em , and return'd home more tir'd and uneasie than i was when i went out . the next day i sought 'em still with more diligence , but did nothing but tire and disquiet my self yet more . by my peeping through the lattice - windows , and my hasty running after all the women that bore the least resemblance to my leonora , i was taken an hundred times , both in the streets and in the churches , for the greatest fool among those frenchmen who have contributed most in disparaging their nation at rome . 't is matter of wonder how i could gather strength at a time when i suffer'd like one in hell : however my body recovered , whilst my sick mind remained so divided betwixt honour and love , which kept me at rome , that i often doubted whether i should obey the frequent letters i receiv'd from verville , who conjur'd me by the ties of our frienship , to come to him , without using the right he had to command me . at last , all my endeavours to find out my unknown ladies , proving ineffectual , i paid my landlord , and got my little eq●ipage ready , in order to depart . the day before i was to go , signior stephano vanberge ( for so was my landlord call'd ) told me , he design'd to give me a dinner at a mistress's house , and make me confess , he had not made an ill choice for a fleming ; adding withal , that he would not carry me to her before i was to go away , because he was a little jealous . i promis'd to wait on him , rather out of complaisance than inclination ; and accordingly we went about dinner-time . the house we went into had neither the appearance , nor the furniture of an apothecary's mistress . we travers'd a very fine parlour ; from whence i entred first into a magnificent room , where i was receiv'd by leonora and her mother . you may imagine how much i was agreeably surpriz'd . the mother of that beautiful daughter came towards me , to be saluted after the french way ; and i must needs own , that she kiss'd me , rather than i her : i was so amaz'd , that i scarce could see any thing , neither did i hear one word of the compliment she made me . at last i recover'd both my senses and my sight , and saw leonora more beautiful and charming than before , but had not the assurance to salute her . i was sensible of my fault as soon as i committed it ; but instead of repairing it , i blush'd as much out of shame , as leonora did out of modesty . her mother told me , she design'd to return me thanks before i went away , for the pains i had taken to find out their habitation ; and this still encreas'd my confusion . she pull'd me into a * ruelle , adorn'd after the french fashion , where her daughter did not follow us , because , i suppose , she did not think it worth her while to join conversation with so dull a fellow as i seem'd to be . she staid with signior stephano , whilst with her mother i acted the clown to the life . she was so civil as to find matter to keep up the conversation all alone ; which she did very ingeniously ; though nothing can be more difficult , than to shew one's wit with those that have none at all . for my part i never was such a blockhead in my life ; and if she was not tir'd with me then , she never was so with any body . amongst other things , to which i scarce answerd yes or no , she told me , that she was a french woman born , and that signior , stephano would inform me of the reasons which staid her in rome . by this time , dinner being ready , she was fain to pull me along to the table , as she had pull'd me before to the ru●lle ; for i was so disorder'd , that i did not know how to set one foot before ' tother . i was the same dull loggerhead both before and after dinner ; during which , the only thing i did with assurance , was to stare upon leonora . i fancy she was uneasie at it , and to punish me for it , she never lifted up her eyes all the while . had the mother been silent , the dinner had been like a carthusian meal ; but she discours'd sign . stephano about the affairs of rome ; at least i fancy so , for i am not very sure of it . at last we rose from table , to the great comfort of every body , except my self , whose distemper grew worse and worse every moment . when we went to take our leave , they told me a thousand obliging things , which i only answer'd with the ordinary complement we use at the bottom of a letter : however i did something more at parting than i did when i came in ; for i saluted leonora , and by that means compleated my ruin. stephano was not able to get one single word from me in all our way home . i lock'd my self in my room , without pulling off either my cloak or sword. there i revolv'd in my mind whatever had happen'd to me . leonora presented her self to my fansie more beautiful than ever she appeard to my sight . i remembred how dull and silly i had been before the mother and the daughter ; and as often as i thought on it , i was so asham'd that i could not forbear blushing . i wish'd to be rich : i curs'd my mean extraction ; and then i fancy'd to my self a thousand lucky adventures , advantageous both to my fortune and my love. at last , having nothing in my thoughts but how to frame a plausible pretence to stay , and not finding any to my liking , i grew so desperate , as to wish to fall sick again , to which i had already no small disposition . i design'd to write to leonora ; but all i could write did not please me , and so i put into my pocket the beginning of a letter , which perhaps i had not dar'd to send , had it been finish'd . thus having disquieted my self to little purpose , and not being able to banish leonora from my thoughts , i resolv'd to go by the vine where she appear'd to me first of all , to abandon my self entirely to my passion , and pass by her door once for all . this vine was well seated in one of the remotest places of the city , in the middle of several old empty buildings . as i pass'd along , pensive and melancholy under the ruins of a portico , i heard some body stalk behind me , and at the same time i felt my self run through under the reins , i presently fac'd about , and instantly drew my sword ; and finding i had to do with the servant of the young frenchman i mention'd before , i was like to return him at least as good a pass as he made at me by treachery : but as i push'd him a good way without being able to close with him , because he maintain'd a running fight , and endeavour'd to parry , his master came out from among the ruins of the portico , and attacking me behind , dealt me a stunning blow on the head , and a great thrust in the thigh , which made me fall down . there was no likelihood of my escaping at so cheap a rate ; but because in an ill action people● seldom preserve a presence of mind , the servant wounded his master in the right hand ; and at the same time two minime fryars of the trinity of the mount , who pass'd that way , and saw me treacherously assaulted , running to my help , my assassins made their escape , and left me wounded in three several places . those good fryars happen'd to be frenchmen , to my great comfort ; for in so remote a place , had an italian seen me in the condition i was in , he would rather have avoided then succour'd me , lest being found doing me a good office , he were suspected of being himself my murderer . whilst one of those charitable fryars receiv'd my confession , the other ran to my lodging , to acquaint my landlord with my disaster : he came instantly to me , and caus'd me to be carried , half dead , into my bed. with so many wounds , and so much love , 't was not long before i fell into a most violent fever . my life was despair'd of by all , and i had no reason to hope better than the rest . in the mean time my passion for leonora was so far from abating , that it was rather encreasing , though my strength grew weaker and weaker . wherefore , not being able to support so heavy a burden , without easing my self of it , nor resolve to die , without letting leonora know , that 't was only for her sake that i wish'd to live , i call'd for a pen and ink. they thought i was light-headed ; but i was so earnest in protesting that they would drive me into despair in case they should deny me , that signior stephano , who had taken notice of my passion , and was so clear-sighted as to guess at my design , gave orders that i should have all things necessary to write ; and as he knew my intention , he staid all alone in the room . i perus'd again what i had scribled a little before , with design to make use of some thoughts which came before into my head about the same subject , and then i wrote thus to leonora . i no sooner saw you , but 't was out of my power to forbear loving you , my reason did not oppose my love , but told me , as well as my eyes , that you were the most lovely person in the world ; whereas it should have represented to me , how unworthy i was of your love. however , that would have serv'd only to exasperate my disease with unprofitable remedies , and after having strugled a while , i must at last have yielded to the irresistible necessity of loving you , which you impose on all that see you . well , i love you , my charming leonora , but with so much respect , that you ought not to hate me for it , although i have the boldness to discover it to you : but how is it possible to die for you , without boasting of it ? and how can you refuse to pardon a crime , with which you cannot reproach me long ? i own your being the cause of a man's death is a recompence not to be merited but by a great number of services , and you will perhaps cnvy me an happiness , which you procure me without design . but do not grudge it me , lovely leonora , since 't is no more in your power to make me lose it , and that 't is the only favour i ever receiv'd from fortune , who will never sufficiently reward your merit , but by procuring you adorers as much above me , as all other beauties in the world are below yours . therefore i am not so vain as to think that you will bestow the least sentiment of pity on — i was not able to make an end of my letter ; my strength fail'd me on the sudden ; the pen fell from my hand , for my mind went so fast , that my body could not keep pace with it ; else that long beginning you have heard , had been but a small part of my letter ; so much was my imagination warm'd by my fever and by my love. i was a long time in a fainting fit , without giving the least sign of life ; which signior stephano perceiving , he open'd the chamber door to send for a priest. in that very moment leonora and her mother came to visit me , having been inform'd of my being wounded . now as they thought this accident besel me upon their account , and therefore that they were the innocent cause of my death , they did not scruple to come to see me in the condition i was in . my trance lasted so long , that they went away before i was come to my self again , very much afflicted , as one may imagine , and fully persuaded that i would never recover . they read what i had been writing ; and the mother , more curious than the daughter , perus'd also the papers i left on the bed ; amongst which there was a letter from my father garignes . i was a long time struggling betwixt life and death ; but at last youth got the better on 't ; in a fortnight's time i was out of danger ; and in five weeks i began to walk about the room . my landlord entertain'd me often about leonora . he acquainted me with the charitable visit , which she and her mother had given me ; at which i was over-joy'd : and if i was a little troubled at their reading my father's letter , i was highly pleas'd that my own had been read also . as often as i happen'd to be alone with stephano , i could talk of nothing but leonora . one day calling to mind what her mother told me , that he could inform me who she was , and what reasons oblig'd her to stay in rome , i desir'd him to acquaint me with what he knew about it . he told me , that she was come to rome with the french ambassador's lady ; that a man of quality , a near relation of the ambassador , was fallen in love with her ; that in time she lov'd him too , and that being married clandestinely , she had the beautiful leonora by him : he inform'd me likewise , that that nobleman was fallen out with all the family of the ambassador upon this account , which oblig'd him to leave rome and go to venice with madam la boissiere ( for this was her name ) till the time of the embassy was expir'd ; that having brought her back to rome , he furnish'd her a house , and gave her all necessaries to live like a person of quality , whilst he staid in france , whither his father call'd him back , and whither he durst not carry his mistress , or , if you please , his wife , well knowing that none of his relations would approve his match . i must confess i could not sometimes forbear wishing that leonora were not the legitimate daughter of a person of quality , that the blemish of her birth might excuse the meanness of mine ; but soon repented so criminal a thought , and wish'd her fortune were answerable to her merit . tho' this last thought cast me into despair ; for as i lov'd her more than life it self , i plainly foresaw that i could never be happy without enjoying her , nor enjoy her without making her unhappy . when i began to recover , and that there was no other remains of my distemper , but a great paleness in my face , occasion'd by the vast quantity of blood i lost , my young masters return'd from the venetian army , the plague which infected all the levant , not suffering them to signalize their courage there any longer . verville had still the same affection he ever had for me , and saint far did not yet shew he hated me , as he has done since . i recounted to them all my adventures , except my falling in love with leonora . both express'd a great desire of being acquainted with her , which my exaggerating the merit both of the mother and the daughter encreas'd . a man ought never to commend the person he loves before those who may love her also , since love enters at the ears as well as at the eyes . this folly has often been pernicious to those who were guilty of it , which my own experience will justifie , as you shall see anon . saint far ask'd me every day when i design'd to carry him to madam la boissiere : one day , when he was more pressing than ordinary , i answer'd , i could not tell whether she would admit of his visit , because she liv'd very retir'd . nay , reply'd he , i now plainly see you are in love with her daughter ; and adding , he knew how to go to see her without me , in a very blunt manner , i was so daunted● that he firmly believ'd , what he did scarce suspect before . afterwards he pass'd an hundred silly jests upon me , and dash'd me so out of countenance , that verville pity'd me . he took me away from his unmannerly brother , and carried me to the * course , where i was extremely melancholy , though verville , out of a kindness extraordinary in a person of his age , and so much above me by his quality , us'd all possible means to divert me . in the mean time the ill-natur'd saint far , endeavour'd to satisfie himself , or rather to ruin me . he went strait to madam la boissiere ; where they took him at first for me , because he had my landlord's servant with him , who had often accompanied me thither ; but had it not been for that , i believe he had never been admitted . madam la boissiere was very much surpriz'd to see a man she did not know : she told saint far , she could not imagine upon what score , a stranger did her the honour of a visit. saint far reply'd very humbly , that he was the master of a young fellow , who was so happy as to be wounded in her service . having begun his compliment with an account which , as i was inform'd since , pleas'd neither the mother nor the daughter ; and these two ingenuous persons , being unwilling to hazard the reputation of their wit , with a man who at first dash shew'd he had so little , the rude impertinent was little diverred with them , and they very much tir'd with him . but what made him almost mad , was his being deny'd the satisfaction to see leonora's face , though he begg'd her a thousand times to draw the vail she commonly wore , as all unmarryed ladies do at rome . at last this accomplisht courtier being tired with tiring of 'em , rid 'em of his troublesom visit , and return'd to seignior stephano's with little advantage from the ill office he had done me . ever since that time , as 't is ordinary with illnatur'd people to hate those whom they have injur'd , he despis'd me to that degree , and disoblig'd me so often , that i had a hundred times forgot the respect i ow'd to his quality , if verville by his constant friendship , and repeated kindnesses , had not made me amends for his brother's brutality . i was not yet acquainted with the ill office he had done me , th● i often felt the effects of it ; i found indeed , madam la boissiere more reserv'd to me , than when we were first acquainted , but being still as civil as before , i did not take notice of my being troublesom . as for leonora , she appear'd very thoughtful before her mother , but when she was not observ'd by her , methought she was not so melancholy , and cast on me more favourable looks . destiny was thus relating his story , and the actresses listned very attentively , without shewing the least inclination to sleep , when they heard the clock strike two ; ( in the morning ) mistress cave put destiny in mind , that the next day he was to accompany monsieur la rappiniere to a house about two or three leagues out of town , where he promis'd to give 'em the diversion of hunting . this made destiny take his leave of the players , and retire to his own chamber , where in all probability he went to bed : the players did the same , and the remaining part of the night was spent in quiet ; the poe● , as luck would have it , having made no new stanzas to disturb the general repose . chap. xiv . how the curate of domfront was carried away . those who have had so much spare time to throw away upon the reading of the foregoing chapters , may remember , if they have not forgot it , that the curate of domfront was in one of those litters , which met four in company in a little village , by an accident which perhaps had never happen'd before ; thô every one knows , four litters may sooner meet together , than four mountains . this curate then , who lodg'd in the same inn where our players quarter'd , having held a consultation of the physicians of mans about his disease , and being told by those grave doctors in very elegant latin , that he was troubled with the gravel , which the poor man knew but too well already ; and likewise having dispatched some business which never came to my knowledge ; this good priest , i say , set out from that inn about nine a clock in the morning , to return to the spiritual conduct of his flock . one of his nieces , drest like a gentlewoman , whether she was so or no , plac'd her self on the fore-part of the litter , at the good man's feet , who was very thick and short . a peasant , by name william , led the fore-horse by the bridle , by special , order from the curate , for fear the horse should stumble ; and the curate's servant , nam'd iulian , took care to drive the hinder horse , which was so restive , that iulian was often oblig'd to push him forward with his shoulders . the curate's chamber-pot , which was of yellow brass , and glister'd like gold , as being newly scowr'd in the inn , hung on the right side of the litter , which made it look more magnificent than the left side , which was only adorn'd with a hat in a pastboard case , which the curate receiv'd from the paris messenger , for a gentleman of his acquaintance , who had a house near domfront . about a league and a half from the town , the litter jogg'd leisurely on in a hollow way , fenced on both sides with thick hedges , as strong as walls , when three horsemen seconded by two men on foot , stopt the venerable litter . one of them who seem'd to be the captain of those highway-men , with a most terrible voice , said : death and furies , the first man that offers to speak a word , i 'll pistol him , and clapt the muzle of his pistol within two inches of william , the country-fellow's nose , who led the horse-litter . another did the like to iulian , and one of the foot-pads levell'd his gun at the curates neck , whilst the curate slept very quietly in his litter ; and by that means was freed from the terrible fright which seiz'd his little peaceful retinue . these villanous fellows drove the litter with more hast than the dull horses that carryed it , were willing to make . never was silence better observ'd , in so violent an action : the curate's niece was more dead than alive ; william and iulian wept , without daring so much as to open their mouths , by reason of the terrible apparition of fire-arms , and the curate slept on , as i said before . one of the horsemen detach'd himself from the main-body , and went a full gallop before . in the mean time the litter reach'd a wood , at the entrance of which , the fore-horse which perhaps was as much frighted as his leaders , or else out of spite , because they forc'd him to go a quicker pace , than his dull and heavy constitution would permit him , put his foot in a wheel-tract , and fell floundring so fiercely , that the curate wak'd at the noise ; and his niece trundled down from the litter , on the lean buttocks of the jade . the good man call'd iulian , who durst not so much as answer him ; he then call'd his niece , who was not such a fool as to open her mouth ; and the peasant being as hard-hearted as the rest , the curate fell into a passion in good earnest . some relate he swore a great oath , but i can hardly believe such a thing of a curate of lower mayne . the curate's niece had by this time rais'd her self up again from the horses buttocks , and sat in her place without daring to look on her uncle , and the horse having with great vigour disingag'd his feet , went on faster than ever he did , notwithstanding the curate's screaming out , with his reading-desks voice , stop , stop . his repeated cries scar'd the horses , who run as if the devil drove 'em , which made the curate cry still the louder . sometimes he call'd iulian , sometimes william , and oftner than the rest his niece , ●o whose name he added the epithet of double whore and carion . however , she might have spoke if she had been willing ; for the man who made her observe a religious silence , was gone to meet the horsemen who rode before , about forty or fifty yards from the litter . but the fear of the carbine , made her insensible of her uncle's hard words , who seeing himself so obstinately disobey'd , began at last to howl ' and cry out , help , help , murder . thereupon the horsemen who rode before , and whom the foot-man had call'd back , came to the litter , and made it stop . one of them said with a terrible voice to william ? what foolis that , that makes such a noise in the litter . alas , sir , answer'd william , with fear and trembling , you know it better than my self . the horseman gave him a found knock on the teeth with the but end of his pistol , and presenting the muzzle to the niece , commanded her to unmask , and tell him who she was . the curate , who from his litter beheld all these passages , and had a law-suit with a gentleman in his neighbourhood , de laune by name , thought 't was he that had a mind to murder him . whereupon he cry'd out ; monsieur de laune , i summon you before god almighty , to answer for my murder if you kill me : i am a consecrated priest , though an unworthy one , and i 'll have you excommunicated like a cannibal . in the mean time his niece pull'd off her mask , and shew'd to the horseman a wild staring face , which he did not know . this produc'd an unexpected effect . that passionate gentleman discharg'd one of his pistols into the flank of the horse that carried the fore-part of the litter , and with the other shot , one of his footmen in the head ; saying , let all that give false intelligence , have this for their pains . and now it was , that the curate's and his retinues fears began to redouble : he demanded their confession , iulian and william fell on their knees , and the curate's neece kept close to her uncle , but those who put them in that terrible fright , were already gone from 'em , and made the best of their way , as fast as their horses could drive , leaving to their charge , the body of the fellow that was shot with a pistol . iulian and william got up , still shaking with the remains of their fear , and told the curate and his neece , that the troopers were gone . now they were fain to unharnes the hindermost horse , to set the litter upright ; and william was sent to the next town to get another horse . in the mean time the curate was at a loss , what to think of these accidents : he could not imagine , why they left him without robbing him ; nor for what reason , that horseman kill'd one of his own men ; at which , however , the curate was not so much offended , as at the loss of his poor murder'd horse , which in all probability , had never quarrel'd with that stranger . upon the whole matter , he concluded that 't was de laune , who design'd to murder him , and said , he 'd have his revenge , his neece maintain'd , that 't was not de laune , whom she knew very well ; but the curate had a mind it should be he , that he might have the occasion to indite him for an assault , hoping to get him condemned upon the deposition of some knights of the post , whom he expected to find at g●ron , where he had some relations . iulian espying a company of men on horseback making towards 'em , betook himself to his heels as fast as he could run : the curate's neece seeing iulian upon the flight , thought he had some reason for it , and scamper'd away also which put the curate entirely beside himself , not knowing what to make of so many extraordinary accidents . at last he espy'd horsemen , whom iulian saw before , and which is worse , he saw 'em coming up directly towards him . this troop was composed of nine or ten horsemen , in the midst of whom there was a wretch bound hand and foot on a little sorry horse , with a pale downcast look , like one that 's carried to be hang'd . the curate began to say his prayers , recommending himself to god almighty's mercy , not forgetting the horse that was left alive : but he was very much surpriz'd , and comforted the same time , finding 't was la rappiniere with some of his men. la rappiniere ask'd him what he did there , and whether 't was he that kill'd the man that lay dead near the horses side . the curate told him the whole adventure , still affirming , that 't was de laune that had way-laid him , of which la rappiniere made a verbal process at large . one of his guard went to the next village , to get the dead body remov'd , and return'd with the curate's neece and iulian , who by this time were recover'd from their fright , and had met william with a fresh horse for the litter . the curate return'd safe and sound to domfront , where as long as he lives , he will relate how he was set upon , and carried away . the dead horse was eaten up by the wolves , or masty dogs ; the body of the dead man was bury'd i know not where , and la rappiniere , destiny , rancour , and olive , la rappinierr's guard , and the prisoner , went back to mans. this is the success of la rappiniere , and the strollers hunting , who catch'r a man instead of a hare . chap xv. the operator's or mountebank's arrival at the inn. a continuation of the history of destiny and star. a serenade . you may be pleas'd to remember , that by the foregoing chapter , one of those that set upon the curate of domfront , had lest his campanions , and went full gallop i know not whether . now as he was spurring on a main in a deep and narrow way , he spy'd afar off some men on horseback , making directly towards him , and would have wheeled about to shun 'em , but turning too short , and with more hast than good speed , his horse started up so suddenly , that he fell down backwards , and his rider under him . la rappiniere and his fellows observing this , thought it were very strange , that a man who came in such post hast towards 'em , should endeavour to avoid them with the like speed. it gave them therefore just cause of suspicion , especially to la rappiniere , who was very susceptible of his own nature ; besides , that his office oblig'd him to make the worst interpretation of things in dubious cases . his suspicion encreas'd to a high degree , when coming near that man , who had one leg engag'd under his horse , he took notice that he was not so much dismaid at his fall , as that it was with such a witness : now considering it could be no prejudice to him to aggravate his fright , and knowing how to discharge his office , as well as any provost in france , he drew near him , and told him ; what! are you caught in a trap , good , honest man : well , i 'll take care you do not get such another heavy fall. this amaz'd the poor fellow much more than his fall had done , and la rappiniere and his harpies saw in his countenance such visible signs of a gulity conscience , that any other provost less forward than he , would have arrested him without any more a doc . he therefore commanded his men to help to get him up , and bound hand and foot on his own horse , he soon afterwards met the curate of domfront in that disorder you have read of , with a dead person murther'd , and a horse shot thorough , which confirm'd him in his suspicions ; to which the prisoner's greater disorder and change of colour , was no small addition . destiny survey'd him more earnestly than the rest , imagining he knew him , though where he had seen him , he could not perfectly call to mind . he scratch'd his dull pate all the way he rode , to awake his drowsie memory ; yet could not remember where he had seen him . at length they arriv'd at mans , where la rippiniere committed the suppos'd malefactor to prison , whilst the strollers who were to open the stage the day following , retir'd to their inn , to get all things in readiness . they were reconcil'd to the inn-keeper , and the poet who was as generous as any poet of 'em all , would needs treat 'em at supper . ragotin who was then in the inn , and could not refrain coming to it , ever since he was smitten with madam star , was invited by the poet , who was so much a fool , as to invite also those that had been spectators of the combate , which was fought the night before betwixt the players and the inn-keepers family , in their shirts and smocks . a little before supper begun , the jolly company was further incens'd by the arrival of an operator , and his retinue ; which consisted of his wife , an old blackamore maid , a monkey , and two footmen . rancour was of his acquaintance , of a long standing , and therefore there past great civility betwixt 'em : nor would the poet , who was easily acquainted with the people , part with him nor his wife , before he had prevail'd upon 'em by his high compliments , which sounded loud , and signified little , only to come and honour him with his presence at supper . well , sup they did , where nothing happen'd that is remarkable , only they drank plentifully , and eat in proportion . ragotin ' fed his eyes on madam star's face , which intoxicated him more than the liquor he swallow'd . he spoke but very sparingly all the time they were at table , thô the poet gave him a fair opportunity of wrangling , flatly condemning theophilus's verses , of which ragotin was a great admirer . the she - players engag'd a while with the operator's wife , a spanish woman , pretty agreeable . they afterwards withdrew to their chamber , whither destiny waited on 'em , to prosecute and end his story , which cave and her daughter died with impatience to hear . star in the mean time was studying her part , and destiny having taken a chair near the bed-side , whereon cave and her daughter sat , went on with his story after this manner . hitherto you have found me very amorous , and much in pain , to know what effect my letter had wrought in leonora's and her mother's mind 's ; you shall see me more in love yet , and in the greatest despair imaginable . i waited every day on madam la boissiere and her daughter , so blinded with my passion , that i did not take notice of the coldness of their reception , nor did i consider that my too frequent visits would become importunate . madam la boissiere was weary of my company , ever since saint far acquainted 〈◊〉 who i was : yet she could not civilly forbid me the house , after what i had suffer'd on her account . as for her daughter , if i may judge by what she has done since , i may say she pitied me , thô contrary to her mother's will , who kept so watchful an eye upon her , that we could never have an opportunity to meet in private . but to speak the truth , thô this fair virgin would have been less cold to me than her mother , she durst not shew me the least token of her favour before her mother ; so that i was on the rack , and thy assiduous visits , serv'd only to make me more hateful to those whom i design'd to please . one day madam de la boissiere having receiv'd some letters from france , which oblig'd her to go abroad as soon as she had read the contents of 'em , she sent immediately for a coach , and signior stephano accompany her , not daring to go alone after the unlucky rencounter , wherein i was engaged upon her account . i was my self nearer at hand , and more fit to be her squire than the gentleman she sent for ; but she would not accept of the least service from a person , whom she intended to rid her self of . as luck would have it , stephano was not to be found ; so that she was compell'd to shew before me , how uneasie she was , that she had no body to go along with her , that i might offer my self ; which i did with as much joy , as she could have regret to be necessitated to take me along with her . i conducted her to a certain cardinal , who was then protector of the french , who by good fortune gave her audience , upon the first motion she made . the business was doubtless of great importance , and no small difficulty ; for she was a long time with him in a private grotto , or cover'd fountain in the midst of a fine garden , whilst all the cardinal's followers walked into those parts of the garden they had most fancy to . now was i got into a large walk of orange-trees alone , with the beautiful leonora , a blessing i had often wish'd before in vain ; and yet more modest and faint-hearted , than ever i had been . i cannot tell whether she took notice of it or not , or whether it was her goodness which made her speak first to me in this manner . my mother , said she , will have just reason to quarrel with signior stephano for failing us to day , and being the occasion of the trouble we give you to wait here so long . and i am infinitely oblig'd to him , reply'd i , for procuring me , thô without design , the greatest happiness i ever hope to enjoy . i am too far upon the score of obligation towards you , said the , to omit any thing that may prove your advantage ; therefore , pray lot me know where the happiness consists you mention , as procur'd by him , that i may share your joy , if it be such as will not offend a maiden's ear. i fear , said i , lest you make that joy cease — i ! answer'd she ; no , i never was envious of any man's prosperity , much less of a person , who has ventur'd his life on my account . 't is not your envy that i fear , answer'd i , — what other motive , return'd she , can there be to make me oppose your felicity ? your disdain , said i. i shall be much perplex'd , added she , till you let me know what i should disdain , and which way this disdain may concern you . i could soon un●old this riddle , said i , but i cannot tell whether you will be pleas'd to understand it . do not let me hear it then , reply'd she ; for when we have such doubts , it shews the thing is not to be easily understood , or is such as may displease , i must confess i have admir'd a hundred times since , how i was able to answer her , my mind being less intent upon what she said , than full of fears of her mother's return , and losing the opportunity of entertaining her with my love. however , at last i muster'd all my assurance , and without prolonging a conversation , which did not carry me fast enough to the point i aim'd at ; i told her , without minding her last words ; that i had long sought the opportunity to speak with her , thereby to confirm what i had presum'd to express in my letter , which yet i durst not have undertaken , but on the knowledge that she had seen that writing . to this i added , a great deal of what i had written , and said moreover , that being upon my departure to serve the pope in the war he was making on some princes of italy , and resolv'd to die there , since i found my self unworthy to live for her ; i would entreat her only to tell me , what sentiments she would have entertain'd for me , had my fortune answer'd the ambition i had to love her . she told me with a blush , that my death would not be indifferent to her ; and therefore , added she , if you are still of the same obliging temper towards your friends , do not let 's loose one who has been so serviceable to us ; or at least , if you will needs die , for some greater reason than what you have just now express'd ; yet defer your death , till we have seen one another in france , whither my mother and my self are suddenly returning . i press'd her to explain more clearly the sentiments she had for me , but her mother was by this time come so near us , that she could not have satisfi'd me , if she had intended it . madam de la boissiere look'd but coldly upon me , perhaps because i had had an opportunity to entertain her daughter , who likewise seem'd to be somwhat uneasie , which made me stay but a little while with them , after their being return'd home . i left 'em highly pleas'd with my adventure , putting the best interpretation on leonora's answer , which i inferr'd to be favourable to my passion . the next day i omitted not to wait upon them according to my custom : i was told they were gone abroad , and the same answer i receiv'd for three days together , for i was not discourag'd by the first or second denial . in fine , signior stephano advis'd me to go no more , because madam ' de la boissiere would not suffer me to see her daughter ; adding , he took me to be a man of more sense , than to expose my self to a refusal . then he acquainted me with the reason of my disgrace . leonora's mother had caught her writing a letter to me , and having severely reprov'd her for it , did afterwards give a strict order , that her people should always deny their being within , when i came to pay my visit to 'em : and then i likewise discover'd the ill office saint far had done me , and that ever since that time , the mother had been very much displeas'd with my visits . as for the daughter , stephano assur'd me , that my personal merit would have made her wave my mean birth and fortune , could she have gain'd her mother's consent ; who was too haughty and covetous to be perswaded to it . i shall not trouble you with the desperate thoughts this unwelcome news put me into : i was as much concern'd at it , as if i had injustice done , in being refus'd by leonora , thô i never durst hope to have the least possession in her heart : i rail'd against saint far , and had some thoughts of fighting him ; but then considering how much i was oblig'd to his father and brother , i had no other refuge but my tears . i wept like a child , and was always uneasie , but most of all in company . now came the sad moment of our departure , and i was forc'd to go away without taking my last farewell of leonora . we made a campaign in the pope's armies , where i courted death as much as i could ; but fortune disappointed me in this , as she had e're done in all my other attempts . i could not meet with death which i sought for , but gain'd reputation i did not aim at , thô i had been proud of it at any other time ; whereas then i could cherish nothing , but the pleasing remembrance of leonora . verville and saint far were recall'd to france by the baron d'arques , who receiv'd 'em like a father , who dotes on his children . my mother gave me a very indifferent reception ; and as for my father , he dwelt at paris with count glaris , who had chosen him governor to his son. the baron d'arques , who was made acquainted with my feats of arms in the war of italy , where i had sav'd verville's life , would needs have me live with him in quality of a gentleman , and companion . he gave me leave to visit my father at paris , where i found less welcome , than i had done from my mother . any other person in his station , that had had a son so accomplish'd as my self would certainly have presented him to the scotch earl , but my father carried me out of his house in great hast , as if he fear'd i should disgrace him : as we went about the streets , he reproach'd my being too fine and gallant ; told me , i seem'd proud , and that 't were better for me to learn a trade , than thus to strut it with a sword on my side . you may imagine , this discourse sounded but harsh in a young man's ears , that had been well educated , and gain'd some reputation in the wars . and who besides had dared to love a handsom young lady , and declare his passion to her . i must freely own , that the sentiments of love and respect , which a son own to his father , could not make me refrain from looking on him as a very troublesom old man. he led me about through three or four several streets , with the same civility and caressing expressions , and then shook me off abruptly , charging me not to come near him any more . i was willing enough to obey this last injunction , and therefore quitted him , to go and wait upon monsieur de saint sauvour , who receiv'd me like a father indeed , and blam'd my own parents for their unnaturalness ; promising withal , never to abandon me . the baron d'arques had some business , which oblig'd him to go and dwell at paris . he took his lodgings the further end of saint germains suburb , in a very stately house , that had been lately built with many others , which have rendred that suburb the finest part of the city of paris . saint far and verville made their court to the king , went to the * park , or a visiting , as all young men of quality are wont to do in that vast city , which makes the inhabitants of all other cities in the kingdom that never come there , be accounted clowns . for my own part , when i waited not on them , i frequented all the fencing-schools to keep my hand in use , or went to the play-house , which is perhaps one reason why i am now a tolerable actor . verville took me aside one day , and told me he was fallen deeply in love with a young lady that dwelt in the same street . he inform'd me she had a brother , saldagne by name , who was as jealous both of her , and another sister under his tuition , as if he had been their husband . moreover he told me , he had made no small progress in his amours , having persuaded her to give him entrance by night into their garden , the back door whereof open'd into the fields , as ours did likewise . having made me his confident , he desir'd me to accompany him , and use all my rhetorick to gain the favour of the woman that was to attend her . verville had shew'd me all along such friendship , that i could not reasonably refuse him any thing : so we went out of our garden back-door about ten a clock at night , and were admitted into the garden where the mistress and the maid waited for us . the poor madam saldagne trembled like a leaf , and durst not speak ; verville's courage was little better ; the waiting-woman was as mute as she ; and i who only came to accompany verville , spoke not a word , neither had i any desire of prating . at last verville summon'd his courage to his aid , and led his mistress into a close walk , having first laid a strict charge upon the waiting-woman and my self to play the centeries part , which we observ'd so religiously , that for a long time we walk'd together , without speaking one word to one another . at the end of the ally we met with the young pair of lovers : verville ask'd me aloud , whether i had entertain'd mistress maudlin as she deserv'd ? i reply'd , i thought she had no reason to complain . no , in truth , answer'd abigal , for he has not yet spoke one word to me . verville laugh'd at her words , and assur'd mistress maudlin , that i was worth her conversation , though i were somwhat melancholy . likewise madam saldagne said , that her woman was not to be despis'd , and thereupon those happy lovers left us again , only bidding us be sure that no body came to surprize 'em i then prepar'd my self to be plagued with the chat of a waiting-woman , whom i expected would now examine me about my wages , what acquaintance i had among the chamber-maids in that parish , how many new catches i could sing , and what vails i had with my master . after this , i imagin'd she would acquaint me with all the secrets of saldagne's family , and tell me both his faults , and his sisters . for there are few servants that meet , without giving one another a full account of all they know about their masters and mistresses , and finding fault with 'em for neglecting to make their own fortune , and prefer their servants . but i was not a little surpriz'd , to find my self in discourse with a waiting-woman , that began thus : i conjure thee , thou dumb spirit , to tell me whether thou art a serving-man , or not , and if thou art a serving-man , by what admirable virtue thou hast forborn , thus long slandering thy master ? i was amaz'd to hear a chamber-maid talk at that extraordinary rate ; and so i ask'd her , by what authority she took upon her to exorcise me ? i perceive , said she , thou art a stubborn spirit , and that i must repeat my conjuration . tell me therefore , rebellious spirit , by the power god has given me over all proud and self-conceited serving-men , tell me who thou art . i am a poor young fellow , answer'd i , that would fain be now asleep in my bed. i find , reply'd she , it will be no easie matter for me to know who thou art : yet thus much i clearly discover already , that thou hast little of a courtier in thee . for , continued she , should'st thou not have first broken silence in an humble address ; then have taken me by the hand , entertain'd me with abundance of amorous fiddle-faddle , suddenly strugl'd for a kiss , attempted to storm my breast , till you had been beaten off with three or four cuffs on the ear , as many kicks on the breech , and scratches over the nose ; and then have return'd home with scars of honour , and the marks of an amorous adventurer ? there are some maids in paris , said i , interrupting her , whose marks i would be proud to bear ; but there are others too , whom i shall dread to look upon , for fear of dreaming afterwards of the devil . what ? thou thinkest , said she , that i am perhaps one of those scare-crows . but good master squeamish , dost thou not remember the old saying , that in the dark all cats are grey ! true , reply'd i , but i 'll never do that in the dark which i may repent when the light appears . but if i be handsom , said she , what then ? then i have shew'd you less respect than you deserve , reply'd i : for if your beauty be equal to the charms of your wit , you deserve to be serv'd and courted after the nicest rules of gallantry . and couldst thou serve a lady according to the nicest rules , said she ? better than any man living , replied i , provided i lov'd her . what 's matter for that , said she , so she lov'd you ? nay , both must joyn issue , where i engage in an amour , replied i. truly , said she , if i may judge of the master by his man , then has my mistress made no indifferent choice in monsieur verville ; and that waiting-maid , whom thou shouldst condescend to love , would have no little cause to be proud of her self . 't is not enough to hear me talk , said i , you must see me too — i believe both may be better let alone , replied she — our conversation was fain to end here : for monsieur saldagne knockt hard at the street door , which they made no great haste to open , that his sister might have time to slip up into her chamber . the poor lady and her woman went away in such haste and disorder , that they did not so much as bid us adieu when they shut us out to the garden . verville would needs have me go into his chamber , when we got home . i never saw a man so much in love , and so well pleas'd : he extoll'd the wit of his mistress , and told me , he should never be satisfied till i had seen her . in fine , he kept me there all night , repeating every thing over and over so often , that i could not get to my bed till break of day . for my own part i admired to have met with so much wit in the conversation of a waiting-woman ; and i must confess , i had a sort of an itching desire to know whether she was handsom or not , tho , the memory of my leonora made me very indifferent towards all the good faces i saw every day in paris . verville and i slept till it was noon : and as soon as he wak'd , he wrote to madam saldagne , and sent the letter by his footman , who had several others , and was acquainted with her woman . this fellow was of lower britany , of a very disagreeable figure , and a worse brain . when i saw him going , it came into my thoughts , that if the party , whether waiting-woman , or chamber-maid , whom i had entertain'd , should see him in that rugged shape , and speak with him a while , that certainly she would not mistake him for the person that waited on verville . this great looby did his message well enough for a looby ; having found madam saldagne with her other sister , nam'd madam lery , whom she had entrusted with vervilie's love to her . as he was waiting for an answer , they heard monsieur saldagne singing on the stairs . he was coming to his sister's chamber , who hastily convey'd the british mercury into a press for clothes . however the brother made no long stay with his sister , and so the britan was set in the open air. madam saldagne lock'd her self up in her closet a while to answer verville's letter , and madam lery discours'd the britan , whose conversation , i doubt , was not very entertaining . her sister , having made an end of her letter , releas'd her from our clown , sending him back with a billet , wherein she promis'd to meet him that night , at the same time and place as before . as soon as it was night , you may imagine , that verville was ready to go to the place of assignation , we were admitted into the garden , and it fell to my lot to cope with the same person i entertain'd before , and whom i found so very witty . she express'd more wit this second time than she had done at first ; and both her accent and manner of speech was so charming , that i confess i wish'd she might be as handsom as she was ingenious . in the mean time she could not believe me to be the britan she had seen before ; nor could she apprehend why i should have so much more wit by night than by day : for having heard the fellow relate that monsieur saldagne's coming into his sister's chamber had put him into a great fright , i took it upon my self , and plaid upon her with it , assuring her , that i was not then in so much fear for my self , as for madam saldagne . this put it out of all dispute that i was the same ill-favour'd r●gue ; and i observ'd afterwards she began indeed to discourse like a chamber-maid , she then inform'd me , that monsieur saldagne was a terrible man ; that having lost both father and mother in his youth , being master of a great estate , and having only few of his kindred , he exercis'd a great deal of tyranny over his sisters , to make them turn nuns ; using them not only like an unjust father , but like a jealous unsupportable husband . i was about to take my turn , and tell a story of the baron d'arques and his sons , when the garden-door , which we had not made fast , was thrown open , and in comes monsieur saldagne , attended by two footmen , the one carrying a lighted flamboy in his hand . he came from a house which stood in the same row with his and ours , where they gamed every day , and which saint far frequented to pass away the time . they had both plaid there that evening , and saldagne having soon lost his money , was coming home by his garden , contrary to his custom , and there surpriz'd us as i told you , finding the door open . we were at that time all four of us together in a cover'd walk , which gave us opportunity to shun his and his mens view the gentlewoman remain'd in the garden , upon pretence of 〈◊〉 king the fresh air ; and to give it the better colour , began to sing though she had little inclination to it , as you may easily imagine . in the mean time verville having scall'd the wall , by mean of a vine-arbour , jump'd down on the other side . but a third footman of saldagne's that was but coming in , seeing him leap , fail'd not to run and give his master notice he had seen a man leap from the garden-wall into the street . at the same instant i fell down with a great noise into the garden , the same arbour , by means of which , verville made his escape , being unfortunately broke down under me . this noise , together with the fellow's tale , alarm'd all those that were in the garden : saldagne runs to the place from whence the noise came , follow'd by his three men , and spying a man with his sword drawn , ( for as soon as i could get up i put my self in a posture of defence , ) he attack'd me at the head of his company ; but i soon made him know i was no easie conquest . the fellow that carried the flamboy advanc'd farther than the rest , which gave me opportunity to see saldagne's face , whom i presently knew to be the same frenchman that would have murder'd me at rome , for having hindred him from being rude to leonora , as i before related . he knew me likewise at first sight , and making no doubt but i was come thither to take my just revenge , he cry'd out , you shall not escape me now i assure you : and then i was hard put to it indeed ; besides that i had almost broken one of my legs with my fall. i maintain'd a running fight , till i retreated into a summer-house , whither i saw verville's mistress run in before in a woful condition . she staid within it , though she saw me enter , whether she wanted time or courage to go out , i know not . for my part , my resolution encreas'd , when i consider'd they could attack me only before at the summer-house-door , which was very narrow . i wounded saldagne in one of his hands , and the boldest of his footmen in his arm , which procur'd me a little respite ; yet could i not have any hopes of escaping , believing they would at last make shorter work with me , and dispatch me with pistols , having found it too difficult to be done with swords . but verville came to my relief : he would by no means go home without me ; and having heard the bustle and clashing of swords , he ventur'd to bring me off from the danger he cast me into , or at least to share it with me . saldagne , with whom he had already made an acquaintane , thought he came to his aid , as a friend and neighbour . he took it as a great obligation , and accosting him , said : you see , sir , how i am set upon in my own house . verville , who understood his meaning , immediately reply'd ; he would be his servant against any other man , but that he came to protect this one against all the world. saldagne enrag'd to find himself mistaken , swore desperately , he did not doubt to make his party good against two such traytors himself ; and at the same time charg'd verville most furiously , but was repuls'd by him with a great deal of gallantry . then i thought it high time to get out of my summer-house to joyn with my friend , and surprizing the lacquey that carried the flamboy , i was loath to kill him , and contented my self to give him a back-stroke over the pate , which put him into such a fright , that he ran off from the garden into the fields , crying out , thieves , thieves . the other footmen fled likewise ; and as for saldagne , i saw him fall in a hedge at the same instant that the light left us , either wounded by verville or by some other accident . we did not think it fit to help him to get up , but minded our own escape with all the haste we could . saldagne's sistor , fearing some violence from her rash brother , stept to us out of the summer-house , where i saw her , and begg'd of us softly , and melting into tears , that we would take her along with us . verville was over-joy'd to have his mistress in his own power , under his protection . we found our garden-door half-open as we left it ; nor would we make it fast as yet , lest we should have a new occasion to go out again on the sudden . there was in our garden a pretty summer-house , painted , and nearly adorn'd , where they did eat in hot weather , and which stood at some distance from the body of the house . my young masters and my self did sometimes practise our fencing there , and this being the most delightful place about the house , the baron d'arques , his sons , and my self , had each of us a key , that we might go in at pleasure , and keep out the servants , lest they should make havock of the books and the goods that were there . in this place we lock'd up our gentlewoman , whose grief would receive no comfort . i told her we would only leave her a few moments to consult her safety and our own , and then return immediately to her . verville was a quarter of an hour before he could wake his british footman , who had been fudling himself . as soon as he had got a candle lighted , we consulted a while where we should bestow saldagne's sister , and resolv'd at last to lead her to my chamber , in the upper part of the house , as being frequented by no body but my self and a servant that belong'd to me . we return'd back to the summer-house in the garden with our light. verville gave a great shriek at his going in , which very much surpriz'd me : i had not the time to ask him what ail'd him , hearing some voices just at the summer-house door , when i put out the candle . verville cry'd our , who goes there ? his brother , saint far , answer'd , 't is i , what the devil do you do here in the dark at this time of night ? i was talking with garigues , said verville , because i am not yet sleepy . i am here for the same reason , return'd saint far ; therefore pray let me have the room a little while to my self in my turn . we did not trouble him to ask twice ; but i stealing out the lady as dextrously as i could , and thrusting my self betwixt her and saint far , who went in at the same time , carried her away to my chamber , bemoaning her self at a desperate rate ; and then i went down to verville's room , where his man was striking a light. verville then told me , with grief in his face , that he must of necessity return again to saldagne's : and what will you do with him , said i , kill him outright ? alas ! my poor garigues , said he , i shall be the most unhappy man in the world , if i do not get madam saldagne out of her brother's hands . what! can she be there still , and in my chamber too , reply'd i ? would to god that were true , reply'd he , sighing , i fancy you dream ; return'd i , no , no , i do not dream ; we have brought away her eldest sister instead of her , said he ; why , reply'd i , were you not both in the garden together ? nothing more certain , said he ; why then will you return to her brother 's to endanger your self afresh ? since that sister you are in pain about is now safe in my chamber . ha! garigues , cries he again , i knew well enough what i saw : and so do i likewise ; and to prove your mistake , do but come up and see madam saldagne ; he told me i was a mad-man , and follow'd me with the greatest trouble in the world ; but my astonishment equall'd his grief , when i found in my chamber a gentlewoman i never saw before , and not the same with her i brought from the other house . verville was as much amaz'd as my self , but more satisfied by far , finding himself with his mistress , contrary to expectation . he then consess'd his own mistake : but i could make him no answer , neither was i able to comprehend by what enchantment a lady whom i had followed all the while , should be transform'd to another , in the time we went from the summer-house to my chamber . i look'd earnestly upon verville's mistress , who certainly was not the same person we brought from saldagne's . verville perceiving me in a quandary ; what 's the matter , says he ? i tell you once more , that i my self was mistaken . nay , said i , 't is i that am in an error , if madam saldagne came hither along with us . with whom could she come else , reply'd he ? i know not , nor no body else , said i , unless it be the lady her self . nor can i tell with whom i came my self , said madam saldagne , unless it were with that gentleman , pointing to me : for , continued she , 't was not monsieur verville that brought me away from my brother 's ; 't was a man that came into the garden immediately after you went out of it , summon'd there , either by my brother's groans , or the footmens outcries , which alarm'd him , no doubt , and gave him notice of what had pass'd . he caus'd my brother to be carried into his chamber ; and my waiting-woman having inform'd me of all this , and assur'd me he was of my brother's acquaintance , and a neighbour ; i went and staid for him in the garden , when i conjur'd him to take me away with him till the next day , when i design'd to retire to a lady of my acquaintance , where i would stay till my brother's fury was over ; which , i told him , i had all the reason in the world to dread . this person was so civil as to offer to conduct me whither i would , and promis'd to protect me even against my brother , with the hazard of his life . 't was under his conduct i came to this house , where verville , whose voice i knew , spoke to the same man ; and immediately after i was brought up to this chamber , where you now see me . this account of madam saldagne , tho' it did not clear all my doubts , yet it help'd very much to make me guess how the thing was brought about . as for vervile , he was so intent upon viewing his mistress , that he scarce minded what she said . he began to tell her a thousand sweet things , without troubling himself to know which way she came into my chamber . i took a candle , and leaving them together , went back to the summer-house in the garden resolving to speak with saint far , tho' he should be as blunt and captious as he us'd to be . but i was not a little surpriz'd to find , instead of him , the same gentlewoman , whom i was certain i brought my self from saldagne's : and what encreas'd my wonder was , to see her in great disorder , like one to whom some violence had been offered ; her commode torn off , and her steenkirk bloody , as well as her face . verville , said she to me as soon as i appear'd , approach me not , unless it be to take away my life , wherein you will find less difficulty than in offering violence a second time to my honour . and as heaven has given me strength to resist your first attempts , so i doubt not but i shall be able to scratch thy eyes out , if i cannot be the death of you . is this , added she weeping , that passionate love you profess'd to my sister ? oh! how dear i pay for my compliance with her follies ! but when we act contrary to our duty , it is but just we should undergo what we stand mo●● in fear of . but what do you now meditate , pursued she ? perceiving my astonishment ; do you feel a remorse of conscience for your base action ? if so , i can well forget it with 〈◊〉 my heart . thou art young ; and 't was a great piece of folly 〈◊〉 me to trust my self to the discretion of one of your years . conduct me therefore to my brother 's again , i do conjure you for as passionate and severe as he is , i dread him less than i 〈◊〉 you , who art a bruitish monster , or rather a mortal enemy 〈◊〉 our family , not satisfied with seducing a young lady , and murthering a gentleman , unless a more wicked act compleat thy crime . having made an end of her speech , which she utter'd with great vehemence , she fell a weeping so bitterly , that i never saw one so afficted . this , i must confess , made me forfeit all the little judgment i was till then master of , amidst so much confusion , and if she had not ceased of her own accord to speak , i never should have interrupted her , so much was i astonish'd at the authority of her expostulations . but perceiving she had done speaking ; madam , replied i , neither am i verville , nor is he , i can assure you , capable of such a base action as that you complain of what! said she , are you not verville ? did not i see you engag'd with my brother ? did not a gentleman come to your assistance ? and did not you bring me hither on my entreaty , where you have offered a rudeness impious both to my honour and youth ? she could say no more , so much her grief oppress'd her heart . for my own part , i never was so much perplex'd , and could not apprehend how she should both know verville , and not know him at the same time . i told her i was an absolute stranger to the rudeness she complain'd of ; and that since monsieur saldagne was her brother , i would conduct her , if she pleas'd to the same place , where her sister was . these words were , scarce out of my mouth , when i spied verville and madam saldagne coming into the room where we were , she being absolutely resolv'd to go back again to her brother 's ; but how this dangerous freak came into her head i know not . the two sisters embrac'd each other as soon as they met , and renew'd their flowing tears , as if they were contending who should weep most . verville earnestly entreated them to return to my chamber , laying before them the difficulty of getting into their house after the great alarm the whole family was in ; adding withal , the danger they run by exposing themselves to their brother 's present fury ; the safety of the place they were in , and how near it was to break of day ; which being once come . they would enquire how all things went at saldagne's , and accordingly they might resolve what was most convenient to be done . verville easily persuaded them to condescend to this proposition . those two ladies finding now themselves secure in one another's presence . we went up to my chamber ; whete having examin'd the strange accidents which perplex'd us , we were as apt to believe , as if our eyes had been witness , that saint far had certainly attempted upon madam lery's honour , verville and my self knowing him capable of the like and worse actions . we were not deceiv'd in our conjectures . saint far had been gaming in that very same house where saldagne had lost his money , and passing by his garden a little after the scuffle was over , he met with saldagne's footmen , who related to him what had befallen his master , whom they said had been set upon by seven or eight rogues , thereby to excuse their own cowardise , in leaving their master in the lurch . saint far thought himself oblig'd to offer him his service as a neighbour , and did not leave him till he had seen him carried to his bed-chamber ; after which madam saldagne intreated him to protect her against her brother's fury , and came along with him , as his sister did with us . he intended therefore to secure her in the same summer-house in the garden where we were , as i said before ; and being as much afraid lest we should see his lady , as we were careful he should not see ours , the two sisters by this accident meeting together , just as he was coming in , and we going out , i hapned to catch his lady by the hand , whilst he laid hold by a like mistake upon mine ; and thus the ladies were exchang'd . which was the more easily done , by reason i had put out my candle , and the ladies so terribly dismay'd as well as we , that they did not know what they did in the hurry . as soon as we had left her in the summer-house , saint far finding himself alone with a very handsom lady , and having more instinct than reason , or , to describe him in his natural colours , being indeed a very brute , he takes advantage of the opportunity , never minding the consequence , or what an irreparable affront he offer'd to a lady , that had thrown her self into his arms for protection . his brutality was rewarded as it deserved . madam de lery defended her self like a lioness , bit him , scratch'd him , and made him bloody all over . after all which , he only went up to bed and slept as soundly as if he had done the best action in the world. you wonder perhaps which way madam lery hapned to be in the garden at the time we were surpriz'd by her brother , since there were none besides her sister and her waiting-woman . this puzled me as well as you ; but at last i learnt from 'em both , that madam saldagne , not daring to trust her waiting-woman with the secret of her amours , had persuaded her sister to attend her in the garden ; and this was the person i entertain'd under the title of maudlin . here my wonder was at an end , how a chambermaid should be mistress of so much wit as i found in her conversation : and madam de lery told me , she was no less puzled to find me so witty in the garden by night , and such a blockhead by day , when she mistook the dull britan to be the same with me . ever after that we entertain'd sentiments for one another something above a bare esteem ; and i dare say she was not less satisfied than i , to find our conditions more equal , than if either of us had been a mercenary servant . the day appear'd while we were yet talking together , we left our ladies in my chamber , where they might sleep if they would , whilst verville and i went to consult , what was next to be done . for my part , having no love-fancies to disturb my breast , as verville had , i died almost for want of sleep ; but there was no appearance , i should abandon my friend with such a load of business . i had a footman as subtle and witty , as verville's valet de chambre was dull and blockish ; i gave him what instructions i could , and sent him to make discovery how affairs stood at saldagne's . he perform'd his message very discreetly , and brought us this account , that saldagne's servants reported , the thieves had desperately wounded their master ; but as for his sisters , there was no more mention made of them , than if there had never been any such alive , whether he little car'd for 'em , or because he gave positive orders to his servants not to speak of 'em , to stifle such disadvantageous rumours . i see here must be something of a duel after all this , said verville ; nay , perhaps something of a murder , replyed i : whereupon i acquainted him that saldagne was the same hector that intended to murder me at rome , and how we came to know one another in the garden ; adding withal , that if he did but imagine , as there was all the likelyhood in the world , that i lay there in wait to take my revenge of him ; then certainly he could not at all suspect the intelligence between his sister and us . i went to give an account to those fair ladies of our discoveries , and in the mean time , verville visited saint far , to sound his sentiments , and discover the truth of our suspicions . he soon perceiv'd his face full of scratches ; but whatever question verville put to him , he could get no other answer , save only , that as he came from the gaming-house , he found saldagne's garden-door open , his house in an uproar , and himself very , much wounded in the hands of his servants , who were carrying him to his chamber . a very strange accident , said verville , no doubt but his sisters will take it very much to heart : they are very handsom ladies , and i must go and give 'em a visit. what 's that to me , said this brute ; who then fell a whistling , not minding or giving any answer to whatever his brother afterwards desir'd to know . verville left him , and return'd to my chamber , where i was employing all my eloquence , to comfort our fair distress'd ladies . they were disconsolate even to desperation ; and apprehended the roughest usage from their brother's jealousie and savage humour , as being a man wholly enslav'd to his passions . my lacquy brought 'em some meat from the next cook , which he continu'd to do for fifteen days together ; so long were they conceal'd in my chamber ; which was above the rest , and so much out of the common road and passage , that no body disturb'd 'em in the least . they could willingly have put themselves into some nunnery for shelter ; but after their sad adventure , they had just reason to fear , their brother would have confin'd 'em longer than they should care for . in the mean time , saldagne's wounds were in a fair way of curing , and saint far , as we observ'd , went every day to visit him . verville stirr'd not out of my room , which was not taken much notice of in the family , he being wont to pass many whole days in it , either reading , or in discourse with me . his love for madam saldagne encreas'd every day , neither did she love him less . her eldest sister lik'd me pretty well , nor was she indifferent to me . not that my passion for leonora was abated ; but i had no manner of hopes from her , thô i might have obtain'd her , yet should i have made it a matter of conscience , to render her unhappy . upon a certain day , verville receiv'd a note from saldagne , wherein he challeng'd him to meet him with a second in the plain of grenelle , to decide their quarrel by the sword by the same note , he desir'd verville to bring no other but my self against him , which made me suspect he intended to take us both in the same trap. my suspicion was not altogether groundless , having already experienced his treachery ; however , verville would not mind it , resolving to give him any just satisfaction , and to offer a marriage with his sister . he sent for a hackney coach , thô there were three belonging to the family . we went to the place of assignation , where saldagne waited for us , and where verville was much astonish'd to find his own brother , seconding his enemy . we omitted neither submissions nor intreaties , to bring all things to a fair accommodation , but nothing less than fighting would serve the turn of those two unjust and irrational men. i was about to protest to saint far , how much it was against my will to draw my sword against him ; he told me bluntly , that he never lik'd me in his life , nor could any thing endear me to him , till he open'd a passage or two with his sword point , for his good will to enter at . with these words he came fiercely towards me : i only put by his thrusts for some time , resolv'd , if possible to grapple with him , and so disarm him , thô with apparent danger of being wounded my self . fortune befriended my good intention , for he slipt down at my feet ; i gave him time to rise , and that which should have made him my friend , encreas'd his enmity . in fine , having given me a slight wound in the shoulder , he vapour'd like a bully-huff , and cry'd , i think you feel me now . — my patience being worn out , i prest upon him , and having put him into disorder , i got so happily within his sword , that i seiz'd on the hilt. the man you hate so very much , said i , will however give you your life , sir , — he struggled a while to no purpose , and would not reply a word , like an obstinate rash brute as he was , though i represented to him it was our duty to go and part his brother from saldagne , who were grappled , and fowling over one another upon the ground . but i perceiv'd i must be more rough ; and therefore wrench'd his hand , and forc'd away his sword , which i threw a great distance from him . i ran immediately to assist verville , who was closed with his antagonist . when i came up to 'em , i saw afar off several horsemen galloping towards us ; saldagne was soon after disarm'd , and at the same instant , i found my self run through the back by saint far. i could no longer master my resentment , and so return'd him a thrust , that made no little wound . the baron d'arques his father , who came in at that moment , and saw me wound his son , did now hate me , as much as he lov'd me before . he spurr'd his horse up towards me , and gave me a great blow on the head. those that came with him , followed his example , and joyntly set upon me . i defended my self most happily from so many enemies , but must needs at last have fallen a sacrifice to this multitude , if verville , the most generous friend on earth , had not thrust himself betwixt them and me , at the hazard of his own life . he gave his own footman a good cut over the pate , because he found him more forward than the rest , to get his masters applause . i yielded up my sword to the baron , but that could not appease him ; he call'd me rascal , ungrateful villain , and all the injurious names his anger could suggest him , even so far as to threaten to have me hang'd . i boldly reply'd , that as much rascal and ungrateful villain as i am , i had given his eldest son his life , nor had i offer'd to hurt him , till he had treacherously wounded me . verville maintain'd to his father , i was in the right ; but he said , he would never see my face again . saldagne went with the baron d'arques into the coach , where they had already put saint far ; and verville , who would by no means leave me , took me into another with himself . he set me down at one of our princes houses , where he had many friends , and return'd to his father 's soon after . monsieur de saint sauveur sent a coach for me that very night , and carried me privately to his own house ; where he took as great care of me , as if i had been his only son. verville came to see me the next day following , and told me , his father had been inform'd of the challenge by saldagne's sisters , whom he happen'd to find in my chamber . he afterwards assur'd me with a great deal of joy , that the business was made up by an agreement of a double marriage to be consummate , as soon as his brothers wounds were healed , which were not in any dangerous place . that it lay in my power to be made friends with saldagne ; and that his father's anger was appeas'd , who was very sorry he had misused me . he added , he wish'd i might soon recover , to be a sharer of their joy ; but i reply'd , i could not find in my heart to stay in a country , where they might reproach me with the meanness of my birth , as his father did ; but would soon leave the kingdom , either to lose my life in the wars , or raise my self by my sword , to a condition proportionate to the sentiments of honour , his noble example had inspir'd me with . i am apt to believe , he was concern'd at my resolution ; but a man in love cannot mind any thing long besides his own passion . destiny was thus pursuing his story , when they heard the report of a gun in the street , and presently after one playing upon a pair of organs . this kind of musick never perhaps us'd at the gate of an inn , call'd all those people to their windows , that had been wak'd with the gun. in the mean time the organs plaid on , and those who were no strangers to such instruments , took notice that the organs plaid a church-tune . no body could apprehend the design of so devout a serenade , which however , was not yet acknowledg'd for such . but the doubt was soon clear'd by two pitiful voices ; the one of which squeal'd out a treble part , and the other roar'd out a rumbling base . these two catter-wauling voices , were accompanied by the organs , and all together made such a horrible consort , as set all the dogs a howling round about . they sung our warbling notes , and ivory lute 's , shall ravish every soul , &c. with the rest of that old ditty ; after these harsh notes , they over-heard a person whispering as loud as ever he could , and scolding at the singer's for singing so cuckoo-like , always in one tune . the poor choristers reply'd , they knew not what the devil he would have them sing ? sing what you will else , said he , speaking a little louder , for i will have singing for my money . upon this peremptory sentence , the organs chang'd their tone , and another plous anthem was sung ; as devoutly as before . none of the hearers had yet dar'd to speak , for fear of interrupting the musick ; when rincour , who could not for his life hold his tongue on this occasion , baul'd out aloud : what! do they use to perform divine service here in the street ? one of the assistants said , they were singing . tenebrae in good earnest : 't is a nightly procession , adds a third in fine , every merry fellow in the , inn , had his jest upon the musick ; neither could any one guess , who was the serenading fool , nor whom he design'd to complement . in the mean time the anthem was carrying on to a conclusion ; when ten or a dozen dogs which followed a proud bitch , ran in betwixt the musicians legs ; and because many rivals cannot be long together without quarrelling , after some grumbling , snarling , and grinning of teeth ; they fell together by the ears of a sudden , with so much● fury and animosity , that the poor musicians to save their shins , betook themselves to their heels , leaving the organs at the mercy of the dogs . these immoderate lovers were so uncivil , in the heat of their scuffle , as to throw down the harmonious machine , with the frame that supported it ; and i should be loath to swear , that some of these cursed dogs did not lift up a leg , and pis● upon the batter'd organs , those creatures being very diuretick in their natures ; especially when some bitch or other of their acquaintance , is dispos'd to proceed to the multiplication of her species . the consort being thus out of tune , mine host order'd the inn door to be open'd , intending to secure the organs , with the table and trestle on which it stood , from farther mischief . whilst he and his servants were busie about this charitable office , the organist return'd accompani'd by three persons , amongst whom were a woman , and a man mufled up in his cloak . this man was the very ragotin in person , who designing to serenade madam star. addrest himself for that purpose to a little eunuch , organist of a church . 't was this monster , neither man nor woman , that sung the treble part , and play'd on the organs which his maid had brought ; an overgrown chorister sung the base , both for the sum of two testers , such was the scarcity of provisions in the plentiful country of mayne . as soon as the inn-keeper found out the author of the serenade , he cry'd aloud , on purpose to be heard by all that were at the window : is it then you , mosieur ragotin , that come with your vespers to my door ? you had best go to bed , and not disturb my guests at this time of night . ragotin reply'd , that he was mistaken in his man , and yet spoke it so , as if he intended to discover what he seem'd to deny . in the mean time , the organist finding his instrument much batter'd , and being a ve●ry cholerick creature , as all beardless animals are wont to be , ●wore to ragotin , he would make him pay for it ; ragotin reply'd , he did not care a straw . ay , but i 'll make you care , said ●he eunuch , i will be paid my damages . mine host and his servants gave their votes for the organist ; but ragotin made them understand like a parcel of ignorant fools as they were , that this was never the custom in serenades , and so went away very proud of his gallantry . the musicians laid the organ on the back of the eunuch's maid , who carried it home to her masters house . he in a very melancholy mood , following her with the table over his shoulders , and attended by the chorister with the two trestles . the inn-doors were lock'd up again , destiny wish'd the ladies good night , and deferr'd the remainder of his story to the next opportunity . chap xvi . the opening of the stage , with other things of no less consequence . the next day the players assembled betimes in the morning in one of those chambers they had at the inn , in order to rehearse the play they were to act that afternoon . rancour , whom ragotin had already made a confident of his serenade , which he seemingly made some difficulty to believe , told his comrades , that the little fellow would not fail to be there suddenly , to receive their applause for his refined piece of gallantry . and maliciously intreated them , that whenever he hinted it , they would take no notice of it , but put him off with some other discourse . ragotin came into the room at the same instant , and having saluted the players in general , began to mention his serenade to madam star , who at that time , prov'd ● meer wandring star to him ; for she still chang'd place , and never answer'd his questions about what time she went to bed , and how she had past over the lest night ? this made him leave her , and address himself to madam angelica , who instead of entertaining him , studied the part she had in the play. he next went to cave , who would not so much as look upon him . every one of the players in their turn , exactly observ'd rancour'● directions , and either answer'd nothing to ragotin's questions or shifted the discourse , as often as he begun to mention wh●● past the last night . at length press'd by his vanity , and imp●tient to suffer his reputation to linger any longer , he thus spok● aloud to them all . will you give me leave to speak a grea● truth to you ? you may do as you please , reply'd some body why then , added he , 't was i that gave you the last nights se●●ren●d● : what! do they give serenades with organs in th● country , said destiny ? but whom did you intend it for ? was it not , continued he , for the fair lady that set so many honest dogs together by the ears ? no doubt on 't , said olive , for those snarling curs would never have disturb'd such harmonious musick , had they not been monsieur ragotin's rivals , and jealous of him . another of the company would needs have his jest , and said , without doubt he is in his ladies favour , and means nothing but honourable love , since he courts her in the open street . in short , every one in the room had a fling at ragotin , about his serenade , except rancour , who spar'd him , as having the honour of being his confident ; and it is probable , this currish raillery had still employ'd the whole company , if the poet , ( who , in his kind , was as vain and ridiculous a coxcomb as ragotin , and in every thing endeavour'd to gratifie his pride , ) had not taken them off , by telling them with the tone of a man of quality , or rather of a false pretender to it : now you speak of serenades , i remember that when i was married , i had one bestow'd on me , which lasted a fortnight together , and consisted of a hundred several sorts of instruments . it ranged all over the marcts : the genteelest ladies in the place royal , took it upon their account ; several beaus assum'd the honour of it ; nay , and a man of quality took such a fit of jealousie upon it , that he order'd his men to fall foul upon those who bestow'd it on me only . but they met with their match , for these were all my own country-men , as brave fellows , as ever piss'd against a wall , and most of them had been officers of a regiment i rais'd , in the late insurrection of the commons in our parts . rancour who check'd his bantering humour in favour of ragotin , could not be so civil to the poet , whom he continually plagu'd . wherefore he took up the cudgels against this darling of the muses , and told him : your serenade , as you describe it , sounded more of bedlam , or the procession of rams-horns , than any of gallantry , and so probably importuned the person of quality , to send out his footmen either to silence , or drive away the horrid noise . and what confirms me in my opinion , is , the consideration of your bride , who died for age , within six months after your hymeneal solemnity , as you term it , was over : nay , but she died of a fit of the mother , said the poet , — say , rather of a fit of the grandmother , or great grandmother , replied rancour : for , added he , in the very beginning of henry the fourth's reign , she was past having any fits of the mother ; and to let you know that i am better acquainted with her , than even you your self , though you tell us daily such wonders of her , i will now relate to you a passage of her life , which never came to your knowledge . in the court of queen margaret . — this beginning of a history drew all the company in a ring about rancour , whom they knew to be furnish'd with malicious memories against all human kind . but the poet who dreaded him extreamly , interrupted him , saying : i lay a hundred pistoles to the contrary : which abrupt defiance , made the company so merry , that they laught him out of the room . this was his usual way , by such wagers of considerable sums , to maintain his daily hyperboles , which amounted to the weekly sum of a thousand or twelve hundred impertinencies , besides the innumerable downright lies he vented into the bargain . now rancour was the comptroller general both of his words and actions , and the ascendent he had over him was so great , that i dare compare it to the genius of augustus over anthony ; that is to say , like to like , without putting a brace of strollers in the scale , against two famous romans . rancour having thus begun his story , and being interrupted by the poet , as i said before , every one earnestly intreated him to pursue it : but he excus'd himself , promising to give 'em , another time , a faithful account of the poet 's whole life , wherein his wive's should be likewise interwoven . it was now high time to rehearse the play , that was to be acted the same day in a neighbouring tennis-court : nothing worth observation hapned at the rehearsal . after dinner they acted their play , and came off with great applause . madam star charm'd the whole audience with her beauty ; angelica did not want admirers , and both of 'em acted their parts to the general satisfaction . destiny and his comrades did wonderfully well , insomuch that many of the audience who had often seen plays acted at paris , confest , that the king's players could hardly have acted better . ragotin in his heart and mind , ratified the donative he had made of his body and soul to madam star , in presence of rancour , who promis'd him every day to persuade his mistress to accept it . without this promise , despair had soon made this little pitiful lawyer , the noble subject of some great tragical story . i cannot tell whether the men pleas'd as well the ladies of mans in their acting , as the women did the men. nay , if i did know the truth of it , i should hardly discover it● but because the wisest man is not able at all times to keep hi● tongue betwixt his teeth , i shall conclude this present chapter to avoid all further temptation . chap. xvii . the ill success of ragotin's civility . as soon as destiny had stript himself of his old embroidery , and put on his ordinary wearing apparel , la rappiniere carried him to the common goals , because the man they had taken , that day the curate of domfront was set upon , desir'd to speak with him . in the mean time the actresses went home to their inn with a great attendance of citizens . ragotin happening to be near cave , as she came out of the tennis-court , where they had acted , offer'd her his hand , to lead her home , thô he would● rather have paid that civil office to his dear star ; he did the like to angelica , so that he was squire to the right and left . this double civility occasion'd a treble inconveniency ; for cave , who had the upper hand , as in all reason she ought , was crowded to the wall by ragotin , that angelica might not be forc'd to walk in the kennel . besides , this little dwarf reaching no higher than their wasts , pull'd down their hands so much , that they could scarce keep themselves from tumbling over him . but that which most troubled them was , his often looking behind him to stare on madam star , who was talking to a brace of country beaux , that would by all means lead her to her lodgings against her will. the poor actresses endeavour'd many times to get loose from their gentleman-usher , but he held so fast , that they thought themselves in fetters . they desir'd him a hundred times to spare himself that trouble ; he only answer'd , your servant , your servant , ( his ordinary compliment ) and grip'd their hands still harder and harder . therefore they were fain to be patient , till they came to their chamber-stairs , where they hop'd to be set at liberty ; but ragotin was better bred : and repeating only , your servant , your servant , to all they could say , he endeavour'd at first to go up with 'em abreast , which he found impossible : then cave turn'd her back to the wall , and crept up side-long , dragging ragotin after her , who dragg'd angelica in like manner , she dragging nothing , but laughing like a fool. now as an additional inconveniency , when they were within four or five steps of their chamber , down comes a servant belonging to the inn , with a huge sack of oats of an excessive weight , who with much adoe , so heavy was his load , bid them go down again , for he could not get up again with his burden . ragotin would needs argue the case with him ; the fellow swore bluntly , he would let fall his sack upon ' em . this made them go down again much faster than they went up ; but ragotin would not let go his hold . the man with the oats prest hastily upon 'em , which caus'd ragotin to miss a step , so that he hung in the air , holding still the players by the hand , till he pull'd down cave upon him , who supported him more than her daughter , by reason of the advantage of the place . thus she tumbled down upon him , lighting with her feet on the pigmy's belly and breast , and knock'd her head so fiercely against her daughter's , that they lay all three tumbling on the floor . the fellow thinking they could not easily get up time enough , and being no longer able to support his load , let 's his sack down upon the stairs , swearing and cursing like an ostler . the sack bursts open with the fall , and then came in mine host , who scolded like mad at the ostler . but as he was mad at the fellow ; so the fellow was mad as the players , and they as mad at ragotin , who was as mad as the maddest of 'em all ; because madam star , coming not far behind 'em , was witness of this disgrace , not much inferior to the late adventure of the deep-crown'd hat ; wherein his head was most unmercifully 〈◊〉 llowed up , not to be recover'd , till a pair of cizars broke the inchantment . cave took her great oath , that ragotin should never lead her again , and shew'd madam star , how black and blew he had squeez'd her hands . star told her , 't was a just judgment upon her , for robbing her of monsieur ragotin , who had engag'd himself to bring her back to her lodgings after the play ; adding , she was glad of the mischance that was befallen , him , 〈◊〉 breaking his word . however , he heard nothing of all this , being all the while in dispute with mine host , who threatned to make him pay the wast 〈◊〉 his oats , and had already offer'd to beat his servant on the same account , who for that reason beat ragotin , and call'd him petty-fogger . angelica began to banter him in her turn , and reproach'd him with his infidelity to mistress star : in fine , fortune did plainly shew how little she was yet concern'd in the promises made to ragotin , of making him gain her affection to that degree , as would make him more happy than any lover in the whole country of mayne . nay , la parche and leval added to it . the oats were gather'd up again , and the actresses went up into their chamber one by one , without any further misfortune . ragotin did not follow them , nor can i exactly tell , what became of him . supper-time came , and to supper they went : after supper , every one withdrew to their respective affairs , and destiny lock'd himself up with the actresses , in order to pursue his story . chap. xviii . the continuation of the history of destiny and star. i made the foregoing chapter a little of the shortest ; perhaps this will prove somewhat longer ; however i am not sure of it ; but we shall see . destiny took his usual seat , and resum'd his tale in this manner . i shall finish my story as briefly as i can possible , fearing i have tir'd you too much already with the account of my life and fortune . verville having given me a visit , as i said before , and not being able to persuade me to return to his father's : he left me in all appearance much troubled at the resolution i had taken , and went home ; where a while after he married madam saldagne , as saint far did madam lery . she had as much wit as saint far had dulness ; and i wonder how two persons of such unequal talents have liv'd together in the matrimonial society . in the mean time , i presently recover'd , and the generous monsieur de saint sanveur , approving of my design of leaving the kingdom , furnish'd me with money for my journey ; and verville , who did not forget , though now married presented me with a good horse , and a hundred pistols . i took my journey towards lyons to pass into italy , with design to go once more to rome , and after having taken my last farewel of leonora , to repair with speed to candy , there to put an end to my wretched life . at nevers i lodg'd at an inn which stood near the river ; and coming thither very early , and not knowing how to spend my time till supper were ready , i went to take a walk on a great stone-bridge , which lies cross the river loir . there were a couple of women walking there at the same time ; one of which , that look'd as if she were sick , lean'd on the others shoulder , and had much ado to crawl along . as i past by 'em , i pull'd my hat off to 'em , without taking notice of their faces , and continued walking for some time on the said bridge , still keeping my thoughts employ'd about my misfortunes , and chiefly about my amours . i was well enough clad , as all those ought to be , whose quality cannot excuse an indifferent habit. when i came again near these women ; i over-heard one of 'em say : for my part , i should believe it , had we not heard he was dead . i cannot tell how i came to look behind me , having no reason to think they spoke of me ; and yet no man but my self was the subject of their discourse . i presently found the first lady was madam la boissiere , grown very pale and wan , who rested upon her daughter leonora's shoulder . thereupon i made directly towards them , with more assurance , than i had in rome , having improv'd my self , both as to my person and wit , during my stay in paris . i found 'em so surpriz'd and amaz'd , that i verily believe they would have fled from me , had madam la boissiere been able to run ; and this surpriz'd me no less . i ask'd them what happy chance brought me to the presence of two persons whom i esteem'd above all the world. these words dispell'd their fears . madam de la bossiere told me , i ought not to wonder to see 'em look upon me with some astonishment , since signior stephano had shew'd 'em a letter from one of those gentlemen i waited on at rome , by which he was inform'd of my being kill'd in the war of parma ; adding , she was overjoy'd to find that news false , which had been so unwelcome to her . i replied , that death was not the greatest misfortune that could befal me , and that i was going to venice to court it , and , if possible , spread the report of my death with more certainty than before . they grew sad at my resolution ; and the mother began to express a great deal of tenderness to me ; the cause of which i cou'd not well guess . at last i learnt from her self the ground of her civility . i was now in a capacity to serve her ; and her present condition would not allow her to despise and look coldly on me , as she had done in rome . they had met with a misfortune which had put them to great streights : for having turn'd all their furniture into ready money , they left rome , with a french maid that had serv'd 'em a long time , and signior stephano's man , a fleming like himself , who would needs return to his native country . this fellow and the wench , it seems , lov'd each other enought to venture a match ; and yet they kept their amour so private , that no body ever discover'd it . madam la boissiere being come to rouenne , went by water thence . at nevers she found her self so very ill , that she could go no further . during her sickness she was somewhat hard to be pleas'd , and her maid more unwilling to humour her than ever she had been before . one morning , the wench and her paramour were missing ; and , which was more grievous still , the poor lady's money was missing also . her grief encreas'd her distemper , and she was forc'd to stay at nevers till she receiv'd letters from paris , from whence she expected a supply to proceed in her journey . madam la boissiere told me this sad adventure in few words . i led 'em back again to their inn , which was the same where i had taken up my quarters ; where after i had brought 'em to their chamber , and stood a while with 'em , i retir'd to my own , leaving 'em to their supper . for my own part , i could not eat a bit , but thought it was at least five or six hours while i was at table . i waited upon 'em as soon as they had given me notice that i should be welcome . i found the mother in bed , and the daughter receiv'd me with a countenance as sad as it appear'd joyful a moment before . the mother was still more sad than the daughter , and i griev'd for company . we star'd a while upon one another without speaking a word . at last madam de la boissiere shew'd me a letter she had newly receiv'd from paris , which cast both her and her daughter leonora into the deepest affliction in the world. she express'd the reason of her grief with a flood of tears , and her daughter leonora wept also most bitterly ; which mov'd me so sensibly , that i thought i did not express my sense of it enough , though i proffer'd 'em all i could possibly do for their assistance , with such a freedom , as put my sincerity out of all douht . i am as yet unacquainted with the cause of your grief , said i ; but if my life may any way contribute to your relief , you may set your mind at rest . tell me therefore , madam , what i must do to serve you : money i have , if you want any ; and courage likewise if you fear any enemies ; and the satisfaction of having serv'd you , is the only recompence i expect for doing you service . my words and my countenance gave them so full an assurance of the reality of my sentiments , that their affliction was somewhat abated . madam de la boissiere gave me a letter to peruse , wherein a gentlewoman of her acquaintance inform'd her , that a certain person , who was nameless , but whom i judg'd to be leonora's father , was commanded to leave the court , and had retir'd himself into holland . thus this poor lady found her self in a strange country , without either money , or the least hopes of getting any . i made her a second proffer of the small stock i had , which might amount to five hundred crowns ; and told her , i would wait upon her into holland , or any other part of the world she had a mind to go to . in short , i assur'd her , she had found in me a person that would do her all the service she could expect from a valet , and serve and honour her like a dutiful son. i blush'd extremely at this word of son : but i was no more that hateful man , who was denied admittance to their house in rome , and to whom leonora was invisible ; for now leonora was much more civil , and her mother less severe . at every offer i made she still replied , leonora would be very much oblig'd to me . all was scor'd upon leonora's account , insomuch that one would have taken her morher to have been only a waiting-woman that spoke in her mistress's behalf : so true it is , that the generality of the world respect people only so far as they are subservient to their own interest . i left them very much comforted , and retired my self to my chamber the most contented man that could be . i past the night very pleasantly , tho' waking , which kept me somewhat late in bed , for 't was break of day before i began to sleep . leonora appear'd to me that day more nicely drest than the day before ; and she could not but observe that i had taken a little more care of my self . i led her to mass without her mother , who was as yet too weak to go abroad . we dined together , and from that time forward were but one family . madam de la boissiere very thankfully acknowledged the good offices i tendred them , and oftentimes assured me , she would not die in my debt . i sold my horse ; and no sooner had the sick lady recover'd her strength , but we took a tilt-boat , and went down the river to orleance . during the time we were on the water , i enjoy'd my leonora's conversation ; nor was so great a felicity interrupted by her mother . i found her wit as sprightly and charming as her looks ; nor had she reason to think mine so dull as she had found it in rome . what can i say more ? in short , she was as much taken with me , as i was captivated by her ; and you may witness ever since you have seen us together , how little our reciprocal affection is diminished — what! said angelica , interrupting him , is then madam star that leonora ? who else ? answer'd destiny . at which madam star was pleas'd to say , her friend had reason to question whether she were that lenoora , whom destiny had made the heroin of a romance . 't is not upon that score i start the question , replied angelica , but rather because we are ever in doubt of what we most desire . madam cave said , that for her part she was confident of this from the beginning , but desir'd them to wave that discourse till destiny had made an end of his story ; who went on thus . we arriv'd at orleance ; where our entrance was so pleasant , as well deserves a paticular relation . a pack of scoundrels , who always wait in expectation of strangers at the water-side , to carry home their goods , crouded into our boat. there were at least thirty that offer'd themselves to take up two or three little bundles betwixt 'em , which the weakest of these lazy rogues might have carried singly under his arm. had i been alone , perhaps i had not been so wise as to bear calmly with their insolence . eight of them seiz'd upon a little bundle , not weighing much above twenty pounds , which they seem'd to lift up from the ground with much trouble ; and having got it betwixt 'em , they held it aloft above their heads , upon their fingers ends . all the mob that stood by on the river-side fell a laughing , and we were fain to do the like . however i blush'd as red as scarlet to go thorough the whole town with such a retinue : for the rest of our goods , which would not have loaden one porter , employ'd twenty at least , my very pistols being carried in state by four lusty rogues . the order of our march at our entrance into the town was thus : first eight hang-dogs , either drunk , or such as ought to have been drunk , carried the little box behind 'em , as i told you before . next follow'd my pistols and holsters , each carried by two fellows . madam de la boissiere , no less vex'd at it than my self , went immediately after : she was sitting in a great wicker-chair , fastned to a couple of cowl-staves , and carried by four watermen , who reliev'd one another by turns , and had a hundred impertinent jests as they went along . the rest of our goods came after her , being only a little portmantle , and a bundle cover'd with canvas , which seven or eight of these rascals toss'd from one to another all the way . i brought up the rear of the triumph , leading leonora by the hand , who laugh'd so heartily , that i could not but be delighted with their roguery in spite of my self . as we march'd along , the passengers stood still , gazing upon us ; and the noise they made on this occasion drew all the people to their windows and doors . at last we arriv'd at the suburbs , which is the road towards paris , attended with abundance of mob , and took up our lodging at the sign of the emperor . i put the ladies into a parlour , and afterwards threatned the rogues so seriously , that they were contented to take a small piece of money for their pains , the inn-keeper and his wise taking my part against ' em . madam de la boissiere , whom the money i had furnish'd her withal sooner cur'd than any cordials besides could have done , found her self strong enough to bear the coach ; wherefor i took up three places in one that was to go the next morning ; and within two days after we arriv'd safe at paris . as we lighted out of the coach at the inn , i made acquaintance with rancour , who came from orleans in another coach at the same time as ours . he heard me enquire for the inn to which the calais coach came , and told me he was going thither immediately himself , and if we had not hired a lodging , he would carry us to a woman of his acquaintance who let lodgings ready furnish'd , where we should have a very good accommodation . we took his word , and found it as he told us . this woman was the widow of one that had all his life-time belong'd to a play-house , sometimes as a door-keeper , and sometimes as a scene-man , and even had try'd to act under-parts , but was hiss'd of the stage . having scrap'd some money together at the play-house , he furnish'd a house , let lodgings , took boarders , and by all this made a shift to get considerably . we took a couple of rooms , which were pretty convenient . madam de la boissiere receiv'd a confirmation of the ill news she had touching leonora's father , and heard so much besides , though she conceal'd it from us , that it made her relapse into her former disease . this put off our journey into holland for a while , whither she resolv'd to go under my conduct ; and rancour , who was going into the same country to a company of players , was contented to stay for us , upon my promising to defray his charges . madam de la boissiere receiv'd frequent visits from one of her friends , that waited at the same time with her upon the ambassador's lady at rome , and had likewise been her confident , whilst leonora's father made love to her . this woman acquainted her with her pretended husband's retirement , and did us several good turns during the time we staid in paris . i went out of doors as seldom as i could , for fear of being seen by some of my acquaintance ; nor did i find it a great trouble to stay within , so long as i enjoy'd my leonora's company ; whose favour i gain'd more and more by my constant care of her mother . upon this woman's persuasion , who , as i told you , came often to visit us , we went one day to saint clou , to air and refresh our sick lady . our landlady came in for one amongst us , and rancour for another . we took a boat when we came to the waterside ; afterwards we walked in the fairest gardens ; and having made a small collation , rancour conducted the women towards the boat , whilst i staid behind to scan the reckoning with an unreasonable hostess , who kept me longer from 'em than i intended . i got off as cheap as i could , and hastned to rejoyn my compapany . but i was not a little astonish'd to see the boat gone a good way from shore , carrying my company towards paris , and leaving me behind , without any notice , or so much as my footboy that had my sword and cloak to wait upon me . standing at the water-side , very much troubled at their not waiting for me , i heard a great uproar in another tilt-boat that lay there , and drawing somewhat near , i perceiv'd two or three gentlemen , or persons that look'd like such , who would need fall soul on a waterman because he would not follow our boat. i leap'd at a venture into that boat , just as it was launching forth , the waterman fearing he should be roughly handled . but if i was troubled that my company had left me at saint clou , i was no less perplex'd to find that he that offer'd this violence was the same saldagne , whom i had so much reason to hate . at the instant i discover'd him , he remov'd from the place he sat in , and came just by me . i did not know which way to look , and hid my face from him the best i could . but finding him so near , that it was impossible to conceal my self long , and knowing i had no sword , i took the most desperate resolution that could be , which hatred alone could not have suggested me , had it not been attended with jealousie . i seiz'd him by the middle at the same time he began to know me , and threw my self into the river with him . he was not able to keep hold of my clothes , whether his gloves hindred it , or his sudden surprize . never was any man nearer drowning than he . a great many of the neighbouring boats came in to save us , every one thinking we had fallen into the water accidentally , except saldagne , who knew the truth , but was not in a condition to discover it so soon , or to pursue me . so i got on shore again without much difficulty , having only a thin sure on , which did not much hinder my swimming ; and thinking it worth my labour to make haste , i got far enough off from saint clou before saldagne was fish'd up . as they had not a little ado to save him , so , i dare say , they could hardly believe his relation how i threw him into the water , when he affirm'd i ventur'd my own drowning to procure his : for i cannot imagine why he should hide it from ' em . i was forc'd to go a great way about to get into paris , and durst not enter the city till night , having no need to dry my clothes , the heat of the sun , and my violent exercise , having left but little moisture in them . at length i got to my dear leonora , whom i found in great affliction . rancour and our landlady were overjoy'd to see me again , and so was madam de la boissiere likewise , who the better to make her think i was her son , acted the part of a distress'd mother : she excus'd her self in private to me for their not staying ; assuring me the fright saldagne put 'em into , hindred them from thinking on me ; besides , that except rancour , the rest of our company would have rather embarrast than help'd me , if i had engag'd saldagne . they told me , that at their going from the tavern , this spark follow'd 'em to the water-side , where he very uncivilly press'd leonora to unmask her self ; and her mother discovering him to be the same man that had attempted the like at rome , she shuffled into the boat in a fright , and made the waterman put from the shore , without staying for me . saldagne in the mean time having a couple of rakes like himself come to him , got into the next boat with his two comrades , where i found him threatning the waterman to make him follow leonora . this adventure made me keep more within doors than i had done formerly . a little while after madam de la boissiere fell sick , her melancholy contributing much to her malady ; which made us remain part of the winter at paris . we were inform'd , that an italian prelate , who came from spain , was going into flanders through perone ; and rancour made interest to have us comprehended in the passport , in quality of comedians . one day , as we had waited upon this italian prelate , who lodg'd in the street de seine , we supped in a frolick in the suburbs of saint germains , with some players of rancour's acquaintance . he and i going over the pont-neuf afterwards very late , were set upon by five or six rogues . i made the best defence i could , and to give rancour his due , he did as much as any brave man could do , insomuch that he sav'd my life , tho' he could not keep me from being seized by these robbers , my sword being unhappily fallen from my hands . rancour got very stoutly out of their clutches , with the loss of a sorry cloak only . as for me , i was plunder'd of all i had about me , excepting my doublet and breeches . and to aggravate my misfortune , they rifled me of an enamell'd box with leonora's father's picture , which madam de la boissiere had left with me , to try what i could get for some diamonds it had round the case . i found rancour at the bridge-foot , wounded in the arm and face , as i was , though lightly , in the head. madam de boissiere was very much concern'd for the loss of the picture ; but the hopes of seeing the original shortly comforted her . in fine ; we went from paris to perone ; from perone to brussels , and from brussels to the hague ; from whence leonora's father was gone about a fortnight before over into england , where he intended to serve the king against the parliamentarians . leonora's mother was so deeply afflicted at his departure , that she fell suddenly sick and died . as she was going to breath her last , she saw me grieve as much as if i had been her own son : she recommended her daughter to me , and made me engage i would not forsake her , but endeavour to find out her father , and restore her to his possession . not long after , a frenchman robb'd me of all the rest of my money , which reduc'd both leonora and me to that necessity . that we were forc'd to get into your company , who accepted of us by the recommendation of rancour . you are acquainted with the rest of my adventures , which since that time have been common with us all , as far as tours , where i think i saw the devil saldagne ; and , if i be not very much mistaden , i believe it will not be long before i meet him again in these parts , which i fear less for my own part than for leonora's , who would lose a most faithful servant , if i should miscarry , or be forc'd to part from her by my unlucky stars . thus destiny ended his story ; and after having comforted madam star a while , whom the relation had a little disorder'd , by renewing the remembrance of her misfortunes , which made her weep , as if they but newly happen'd , he took his leave of the actresses , and went to bed. chap. xix . some reflections which are not amiss . ragotin's new disgrace , and other things , which you may read if you please . love , which make the young undertake any thing , and the old forget every thing ; love , which occasion'd the wars of troy , and many others besides , which i do not think worth my while to mention here , would needs make it known in the city of mans , that he is as much to be dreaded in a pitiful inn , as in any place whatsoever . he was not therefore contented with depriving the amorous ragotin of his appetite , but inspired 〈◊〉 rappiniere with a thousand irregular desires , a man very susceptible of them , and made roquebrune languish for the operator's wife , adding a fourth folly to his vanity . bravery and poetry ; or rather obliging him to commit a double infidelity : for he had made his amorous addresses a long while before , both to star and angelica , who often advis'd him to desist , and not throw away his courtship . but all this is nothing to what i shall now relate : love triumphed likewise over the insensibility and misanthropy of rancour , who became enamour'd of the operator's wife too , and by consequence a rival to the poet roquebrune , a punishment for his sins , and an atonement for the cursed writings he had publish'd . this woman's name was donna inizella del prado , a native of malaga , and her husband , or reputed such , signior ferdinando ferdinandi , a gentleman of venice , born at caen in normandy . there were several other in the inn besides the above-nam'd , infected with the same disease , as dangerously , if not more than those whose secrets i have revealed ; but they shall be discover'd too in due time and place . la rappiniere fell in love with madam star when she acted c●imene , and intended then to have declar'd his distemper to rancour , whom he thought capable of doing any thing for money . the heavenly bard raquebrune design'd the conquest of a spa●ish lady worthy his courage . but as for rancour i cannot imagine by what potent charms this foreign lady could inflame with love , a man who hated all the world. this worn-out stroller , being in hell before his time , i mean in love , before his death , was still in bed , when ragotin troubled him with his passion , as it were the belly-ake , came to desire him to mind his business , and take pity on him . rancour assur'd him , that ere that day were over , he would do him a notable piece of service with his mistress . la rappiniere entred at the same time rancour's chamber , who was still dressing himself ; and having taken him aside , confest his infirmity to him , and vowed , if he could bring him into favour with madam star , there was nothing in his power but he would do for him , even to the making him one of his assistants , and bestowing his neece in marriage on him , whom he design'd to make sole heiress after his death , because he had no children of his own . the cheating rogue promiss'd him yet more than he had done ragotin , which put this hangman's purveyor in good hopes . roquebr●ne came likewise to consult the oracle : he was the most incorrigible presumptuous coxcomb , that ever came from the banks of garonne , and one who thought every body believ'd what he romanc'd about his good family , riches , poetry and valour ; insomuch , that he slighted all the dry jests and bobs that rancour perpetually put upon him , presuming that what he did , was only for conversation's sake : and besides , he understood raillery as well as any man alive , and bore it like a christian philosopher , even when it touch'd to the very quick . he therefore imagin'd he was admir'd by all the players , nay , even by rancour himself , who had experience enough to admire but few things ; and was so far from having a good opinion of this poor brother of the quill , that he made a full inquiry into his extraction , thereby to discover whether those bishops and great lords , his countrymen , whom he quoted ever and anon for his relations , were the true branches of that genealogick tree , this fool of noble alliances , and coats of arms , together with many other things , had caus'd to be drawn in an old roll of parchment . he was very sorry to find rancour in company , though he had less need to be troubled at that , than any one besides , it being his ill custom , to be ever whispering in peoples ears , and to make a secret of every thing , sometimes of nothing however he took rancour in a corner , and at first very gravely desir'd to know whether the operator's wife was a person of a great deal of wit , or not ; because he had lov'd women of all nations but the spaniards , and if she were worth his labour , he should not be much the poorer , if he presented h●● with a hundred pistols , which he as often mention'd upon every trifling occasion , as the great family from whence he was descended . rancour told him , he was not so well acquainted with donna inezilla , as to answer for her wit , though he had often met her husband in the chiefest cities of the kingdom , where he sold his antidotes ; but if he desir'd so much to be inform'd about her wit , 't was but joining conversation with her , since she began to speak erench tolerably well . roquebrune would needs entrust him with his pedigree in parchment , that he might dazle the spanish donne with the splendor of his race ; but rancour told him , his pedigree would sooner make him a knight of maltha , than a happy lover . whereupon roquebrune with a smiling countenance added ; well , sir , you know what i am . yes , yes , replied rancour , i know well enough what you are now , and what you will ever be to your dying day . the poet went away as he came , and rancour , his rival and confident at the same time , drew near to la rappiniere and ragotin , who were rivals also , though unknown to each other . as for old rancour , besides that we naturally hate any one that endeavours to rob us of what we design for our selves , and the general quarrel he had against all mankind ; besides all this , i say , he ever had a particular aversion to the poet , which this discovery was not likely to abate . rancour therefore absolutely resolv'd , from that time forward , to do him all the mischief he could possibly , to which his apish nature prompted him , and fitted him for : and not to lose time , he began that very day , by basely borrowing money of him , wherewith he new cloathed himself from top to toe , and stock'd himself with linnen . he had before been a sloven all his life-time ; but love , which works far greater miracles , made him more curious of his dress in his declining days . he chang'd his linnen oftner than did become a stroller , and began to wash , powder , and colour his gray hairs , and trim himself so carefully , that his comrades took notice of it . the players were that day bespoken to act a play , at one of the chiefest citizens of mans , who made a great treat , and gave a ball at his neece's wedding , whose guardian he had been . the assembly was kept at a very fair country-house of his , about a league from the city ; but whether eastward , westward , northward , or southward , i know not . the decurator belonging to the strollers , and a carpenter were sent in the morning early to make a stage . the whole company of players follow'd afterwards in two coaches , about eleven a clock , that they might get thither by dinner-time . donna inezilla the spanish lady , made one , at the earnest intreaty of the actresses and rancour . ragotin being inform'd of the business , went to an inn at the end of the suburbs , where he waited the coming of the coach , and tyed a very fine steed which he had borrow'd , to the grate of the parlour that lookt into the street . he was scarce set down to eat his dinner , when word was brought him , the coach was in sight . he flew to his horse on the wings of love , with a great sword by his side , and a carabine dangling at his breech like a bandoleer . he would never confess what his fancy was , to go to a wedding with such store of offensive and defensive arms ; nor could rancour his confident ever persuade him to discover it . by that time he had untied his horses bridle , the coaches were so near , that he had not the time to look for a mounting-block , that he might appear in state on his steed like prety st. george : and being none of the best horsemen , and unprepar'd to shew his nimble disposition , he did it very aukwardly ; for his horses legs were as much too long , as his were too short . however , he stoutly rear'd himself upon the stirrup , and threw his right leg over the saddle ; but the girts were loose it seems , which occasion'd a strange disaster ; for this made the saddle turn round , while he was bestriding the steed . yet all things went hitherto well enough , but the cursed carabine which hung on a belt about his neck like a collar , got so unfortunately betwixt his legs before he was aware , that his breech could not reach the saddle , which was an old-fashion'd one , the carabine lying cross it from the pummel to the crupper . thus he was in a very uneasie posture , as not being able with the tip of his feet , so much as to touch the stirrups : thereupon , his heels being arm'd with spurs , kick'd the horses side in a place he was never us'd to be prick'd in , which made him start more briskly , than was necessary for a little rider in that posture , having nothing but the carabine to rest upon . this made him cling his legs close to the horses sides , which made the horse sling up his hinder legs , and ragotin following the nature of all heavy bodies , fell into the horses neck , where he got 〈◊〉 bruised nose , the steed lifting up his head suddenly at a jet with the bridle he gave him very preposterously : now thinking to repair his oversight , he let go the reins , and gives the horse his head , which at that very instant gives a great lea● and casts his rider quite over the saddle upon the crupp●● with the carabine still between his legs . the horse not being us'd to carry any thing behind , makes a croupade , whi●● plac'd ragotin in the saddle again . the unskilful horse●●● clapt his heels close to his sides afresh , and then the horse flu● up his hinder legs more than at first , which pitch'd the unf● tunate ragotin just upon the pummel , where we must leave 〈◊〉 as on a pinacle , to rest our selves a while ; for upon the hor●● of a gentleman , this description has cost me more pains , 〈◊〉 all the book besides , and yet i am not well satisfied with my self . chap. xx. the shortest in this present book . ragotin's fall off his horse , and something of the like nature which hapned to rocquebrune . we left ragotin planted on the pummel of a saddle , not knowing how to behave himself , and much perplex'd how he should come off . i scarce believe that the defunct phaeton of unhappy memory , was more troubled with his father's four fiery steeds , than was at this time our little lawyer , with this one horse as quiet as a lamb ; and that it did not cost him his life , as it did phaeton , he was beholding to fortune for it , whose capricies were a fit subject for me to expatiate on , were i not in conscience oblig'd to release ragotin from the imminent danger he was in ; having besides , many more things to treat of , concerning our strollers , during their residence at mans. as soon as the disastrous ragotin felt what an uneasie cushion he had under the two most fleshy parts of his body , on which he us'd to sit , as all other rational creatures are wont ; i mean , as soon as he found how narrow his seat was , he quitted the bridle like a man of discretion , and laid hold of the horse's mane , who ran away at full speed. thereupon the carabine went off : ragotin thought he was shot thorough the body , his horse undoubtedly believ'd the same , and made such a foul stumble , that ragotin lost his seat ; insomuch , that for a time , he hung by the horses mane , with one foot entangled by the spur in the saddle-cloth ; and the other foot with the rest of his body , hanging towards the earth in expectation of a fall , as soon as his spur should break loose ; together with his sword , carabine , and bandeleer . at length the foot was disingag'd , his hands let go the mane , and down he tumbled , thô with more grace and skill , than he got up . all this happen'd in sight of the coaches , that stopt on purpose to see what would become of him ; or rather to have the pleasure of laughing at him . he cursed the horse , who stood stock still , as soon as he had laid down his load : but to comfort him , they took him up into one of the coaches in the poet's room , who was willing to ride , ●hat he might flutter about the coach , and court inezilla , who at in the boot . ragotin resign'd his sword and fire-arms up to him , which he put on as dexterously , as any son of mars . he lengthned ●●e stirrups , fitted the bridle , and without doubt went to get up more methodically than ragotin . but surely there was some spell cast upon that unlucky horse that day , for the saddle being too loosely girted , as before , turn'd round with him , as it had done with ragotin ; and the string of his breeches being broken , the horse ran a pretty way with him , whilst he had but one foot in the stirrup , his other serving the horse as a fifth leg , and his back-parts expos'd to the view of all the assistants , his breeches dangling all the way at his heels . none of the spectators did laugh at ragotin's mishap , because they were afraid he would hurt himself ; but rocquebrune's accident was attended with loud shouts and laughter from the coaches : the coachmen stopt to laugh their belly-full , and all together hollowed at rocquebrune , which drove him into a house for shelter , leaving the horse to his own discretion , who very wisely walk'd back again to the town . ragotin knowing he was responsible for the beast , alighted out of the coach and went after him ; then the poet having cas'd up his posteriors , return'd into the coach much troubled , and very troublesom to the rest , by ragotin's martial equipage , who had undergone this third disgrace in his mistresses presence , with which we shall conclude the twentieth chapter . chap xxi . which perhaps will not be found very entertaining . the players were very well receiv'd by the master of the house , who was a good honest man , and one of the most considerable in those parts . they had two chambers allotted them to lay their cloaths in , and make themselves ready for the way , which was put off till after supper . they likewise 〈◊〉 in private , and after dinner , those that had a mind to walk had the choice of a grove and a fine garden . a young counsellor of the parliament of rennes , and near kinsman to the ma ster of the house , accosted our players , having discover'd destiny to be a person of more than vulgar judgment , and the actresses , besides their great beauty , to be such as could say more than just the parts they had learnt by heart . they discoursed of things agreeable to their profession , as plays , and dramatick writers . this young counsellor said amongst other things , that there was scarce any remarkable subject for the stage , that had not been blown upon ; that all history was almost exhausted , and that modern authors would be at last constrain'd to wave those nice rules of unity of times , and stretch it beyond four and twenty hours : that the generality did not apprehend what those severe rules of the stage are good for , being rather pleas'd with action and representation than recitals ; and therefore such plots might be contriv'd as would meet with applause , without either falling into the extravagancies of the spaniards , or being tied up to the strict precepts of aristotle . from plays , they began to talk of romances . the counsellor said , that nothing could be more diverting , than our modern romances ; that the french alone knew how to write good ones ; but however , that the spaniards had a peculiar talent to compose little stories , which they call novels ; that are more useful , and more probable patterns for us to follow , than those imaginary heroe's of antiquity , who grow sometimes tedious and troublesom , by being overcivil and virtuous . in short , that those examples which may be imitated , are at least as profitable , as such as do exceed all probability and belief ; from all which he concluded , that if a man could write as good novels in french , as those of michael de cervantes , they would soon be as much in vogue , as ever heroick romances have been . roquebrune was not of the same opinion : he said very positively , that there could be no pleasure in reading of romances , unless they contain'd the adventures of princes , nay , and of great princes too , and that for that reason , astrea only pleas'd him here and there . and in what histories can one find kings and emperors enough to make new romances , said the counsellor : we must feign such , replied roquebrune , as they usually do in fabulous stories , which have no foundation in history . i perceiv'd then , return'd the counsellor , that don quixot is very little in your favour ? 't is the silliest book that ever i read , replied roquebrune ; tho' it be cried up by a great many men of wit. have a care , said destiny , it be not rather for want of wit in you , than any defect in the book , that makes you entertain so indifferent an opinion of it . roquebrune , would not have fail'd to answer destiny , had he but heard what he spoke : but he was so taken up with telling his feats to some ladies , who were come near the players , that he minded him not , and promis'd that fair sex , he would write a romance in five parts , every part to contain five volumes , which should eclipse all the cassandras , cleopatras , and cyrus's , tho' this last have the sir-name of the grand , as well as the son of pepin . in the mean time the counsellor was telling destiny and the actresses , that he had writ some novels in imitation of the spaniards , promising he would communicate 'em to them . thereupon inezella told them , in a kind of french that had more of the gascon than of the spanish , that her first husband had the name of a competent writer in the court of spain , having compos'd several novels that were much esteem'd ; some of which she had in manuscript , which in her opinion , deserv'd to be translated into french. the young counsellor being very curious of such kind of compositions , told the spanish lady , she would do him a great favour in letting him have the perusal of 'em ; which she very civilly granted ; adding withal , that no body was better stor'd with novels than her self ; for as some women in their country , will sometimes try to write both in verse and prose , so she had made it her pastime , and could entertain 'em with some of her own making . roquebrune confidently , according to his custom , offer'd to turn 'em into french. inezella , who was perhaps the sharpest spaniard , that ever came over the pirenees into france , replied , that it was not only requisite to understand the french tongue well , but that he must be equally master of the spanish also ; and therefore she could not give him her novels to translate , till she was so well acquainted with the french tongue , as to be able to judge whether he was qualified for the undertaking . rancour , who had been silent all the while , said , there was no doubt to be made of his ability , since he had been corrector of a printing-house : he had no sooner popp'd out these words , but he remembred roquebrune had lent him money , which made him pursue his jest no farther ; to which the other , dash'd out of countenance at rancour's words , reply'd , that he could not deny but that he had corrected some few sheets , but then 't was nothing but what he had publish'd of his own . madam star , to shift the discourse , told donna inezella , that since she knew so many stories , she would often importune her to relate some of ' em . the spanish lady replied , she was ready to give her satisfaction presently : they took her at her word , and all the company seating themselves round about her , she begun a story , not in the very same terms as you will find in the following chapter ; but yet so intelligibly , as made 'em guess she was mistress of a great deal of wit in spanish , since she shew'd so much of it in a language , to whose delicacies she was a perfect stranger . chap. xxii . the impostor out-witted . a novel . a young lady of the city of toledo , nam'd victoria , descended from the ancient family of portocarrero , had retired her self to a house she had on the banks of tagus , about half a league distant from toledo , in the absence of her brother , who was a captain of a troop of horse in the low-countries . she became a widow at seventeen years of age , being wedded to an old gentleman that had got a great estate in the indie's , who six months after his marriage , perish'd in a storm at sea , leaving much wealth to his wife . this fair widow after the death of her husband , kept house constantly with her brother , where she liv'd in such repute , that at the age of twenty , all the mothers propos'd her for a pattern to their children , the husbands to their wives , and the lovers to their desires , as a conquest worthy of their ambition . but as her retirement cool'd the love of many , so on the other hand it encreas'd the esteem the whole world had for her . in this country-house , she enjoy'd at liberty all the innocent pleasures of a rural life , when one morning her shepherds brought into her house a couple of men , whom they found stript of all their cloaths , and bound fast to a tree , where they had been tied the whole night . they had lent each of them a scurvy shepherd's coat to cover themselves withal ; and in this fine equipage they appear'd before the fair victoria . the poverty of their habit did not hide from her the noble mien of the younger , who made her a genteel complement , and told her he was a gentleman of cordove , don lopaz of gongora by name ; who was travelling from sevil to madrid about business of great importance , and having overstay'd his time at play , about half a days journey from toledo , where he dined the day before , the night surpriz'd them ; and both he and his men falling asleep , expecting a mule-●●●ver who staid behind , some thieves finding them both in that condition , tied them to a tree , having first stript them to their very shirts . victoria doubted not the truth of his relation , his good mien speaking in his favour ; and however 't was a great piece of generosity , to relieve a stranger reduced to this sad extremity . it happen'd by good luck , that amongst the cloaths her brother left in her custody , there were some suits , for the spaniards never part with their old cloaths , though they make new ones . they chose the finest , and that which fitted best the masters shape ; and his man was also cloathed with what they could find next at hand . dinner-time being come , this stranger whom victoria invited to her table , appear'd so accomplish'd , and entertain'd her with so much wit , that she thought that the relief the afforded him , could never have been better bestow'd . they convers'd together the remaining part of the day , and were so much taken with each other's perfections , that neither of them slept so quietly that night , as they did before . the stranger would needs send his man to madrid , to fetch him some money , and buy him cloaths , or at least he pretended it ; but the fair widow would not suffer him , promising to lend him so much as would carry him to his journeys end . he made some overtures of love to her the very same day , and she gave him a favourable audience . in fine , in a fortnight's time , the opportunity of the place , the equal merit of these two persons , a great many oaths and vows on one side , too much frankness and credulity on the other , a promise of marriage offer'd , and their reciprocal faith plighted in the pre●ence of an old gentlewoman usher , and victoria's waiting-woman , made her commit a fault she was thought uncapable of , and put this happy stranger in possession of the most beautiful lady of toledo . for eight days together it was nothing but love and dear , fire and flame 's betwixt these two lover's . but now part they must , and tears succeed : victoria indeed had right to stay him , but the stranger pretended he lost a great deal by not going ; however , that since he had been so happy as to win her heart , he cared no more either for his law-suit at madrid , or his preferment at court , she then was eager to have him gone ; her passion having not blinded her reason so much , as to prefer the pleasure of his society , to his advancement . she got new cloaths made for him and his man at toledo , furnish'd him with as much money as he desir'd ; and so he set forward on his journey to madrid , mounted on a good mule , and his man on another ; the poor lady full of real grief at his departure , and he was no less afflicted , or at least pretended to be so , with the greatest hypocrisie in the world. the same day he took his journey , the chamber-maid making his bed , found a picture-case wrapt in a letter ; she carried it immediately to her mistress , who found in the case the picture of a most beautiful young lady , and reading the letter , it contain'd these words , or others to the same effect . dear cousin . here inclos'd , i send you the picture of the beautiful elvira de sylva , but when you see her , you will confess how infinitely the resemblance falls short of the original ; and how much brighter this beauty is , than the painter could draw her . her father don pedro de sylva expects you with impatience ; the articles of marriage betwixt you and elvira , are drawn up according to your wishes , and in my opinion , very much to your advantage . all this , i hope , will be sufficient to hasten your iourney . madrid this , &c. don antonio de ribera . this letter was directed to ferdinand de ribera at sevil. now imagine , i beseech you , victoria's astonishment at the reading of this letter , which in all probability could be writ to no other but her false lopez de gongora . she now perceiv'd , but too late , that this stranger , whom she had so highly and so hastily oblig'd , had disguis'd his name ; and by that counterfeit , she was assur'd of his infidelity and treachery . the beauty of the lady in the picture , made her feel all the torments of jealousie , and the articles of marriage already drawn up , almost distracted her with despair . never was any mortal person more deeply afficted : her sighs went near to burst her heart , and she shed such a flood of tears , that her head aked most intolerably . miserable , abandon'd woman that i am , said she to her self ( and sometimes also before her old gentleman-usher , and waiting-woman , who were both the witnesses of her marriage . ) have i thus long been so ●●liscreet and reserv'd , to commit at last a most irreparable fault ? and have i refus'd so many men of quality of my acquaintance , who would have thought themselves too happy in my enjoyment , to throw my self away upon a stranger , who perhaps laughs at my easie credulity ; now he has ruin'd my fame , and made me for ever miserable ? what will they say at toledo ? and what will they say in all spain ? can a young , base , cheating pretender , be discreet ? why did i let him know i lov'd him , before i was assur'd of the sincerity of his heart ? could he have chang'd his name , if he had meant to keep his flattering promises ? or can i hope after all this , he will not reveal his easie conquest over me ? what will not my brother be provok'd to do against me , by what i have done against my self ? and to what purpose is he courting glory and fame in flanders , whilst i disgrace him in spain ? no , no , victoria , thou must do any thing to repair this crime : but before i proceed to vengeance , and desperate remedies , i must try to regain by my craft , what i have lost by my imprudence : it will be then time enough to use desperate ways , when i have found all others ineffectual . victoria had it seems , a great spirit , and presence of mind , since she could fix on such a good resolution in such a plunge . her old gentleman-usher , and her waiting-woman , would have given her advice : but she told 'em , she knew as much as they could say , and that action , and not words , must now do her business . so the very same day , a couple of carts were laden with household-stuff and necessaries , victoria giving out , amongst her domestick servants , that she had pressing business concerning her brother , which call'd her to court. she took coach with her squire and woman , and hastened to madrid , whither her goods were appointed to follow . as soon as she arriv'd , she enquir'd for don pedro de sylva's house , and being inform'd where abouts it was , hired one for her self in the same street . her gentleman-usher's name was rodrigo santillane , who from his youth was bred up by victoria's father , which made him love his mistress , as if she had been his own sister . having much acquaintance in madrid , where he had spent his youthful days , he soon discover'd that don pedro de sylva's daughter , was to be wedded to a gentleman of sevil , named ferdinand de ribere , which match was made up by a cousin of his of the same name , it being so near the conclusion , that don pedro was already providing servants for his daughter . the very next day rodrigo santillane , in a plain and decent garb , victoria in the habit of a widow of a mean condition , and beatrix her waiting-woman , who was to personate his mother-in-law , and rodrigo's wife , went all together to don pedro's , and desir'd to speak with him . don pedro receiv'd them very civilly , to whom rodrigo said with much assurance , that he was a decay'd gentleman of the mountains of toledo , and having one only daughter by his first wife , which was victoria , whose husband died not long since at sevil , finding his own , and his daughters fortune very low , he had brought her to court to get some good service for her ; and being inform'd that he was about setling his daughter's family at her marriage , he hoped he would not take it unkindly , that he came to proffer the young widow's service to him , she being a person very fit to be a duegna to the bride ; adding , his daughter's merit gave him the confidence to present her to him , not doubting her breeding and good nature , would give her a little better title to her mistresses favour , than the small beauty she had to recommend her . before i proceed any farther , i must adveri●●●● those that are unacquainted with it , that the ladies in spai● keep duegnas in their houses , and those duegnas are much the same thing as our governantes or ladies of honour belonging to great persons : i must add to this , that the duegnas or duegnes in spain , are severe and troublesom animals , no less dreadful , than a domineering mother-in-law . to go on with the story , rodrigo plaid his part so well , and victoria so beautiful as she was , appear'd so agreeable in her modest and plain attire , and had such a promising look in her face , that don pedro de sylva accepted of her immediately to govern his daughter . he proffer'd rodrigo and his wife an employment in his house likewise ; but rodrigo excus'd himself , and told him , he had some reasons not to accept of the honour he intended him ; but having a house in the same street , he would be ready to wait upon him at any time he should command it . thus was victoria entertain'd in don pedro's house , infinitely belov'd both by him and his daughter , and no less envied by all the other servants . don antonio de ribera , who had contriv'd the match between his faithless cousin , and don pedro de sylva's daughter , came often to bring don pedro news , that his kinsman was on his journey , and had written to him at his setting forth from sevil. and yet this cousin did not appear : this very much perplex'd him , nor could don pedro and elvira , tell what to judge of it ; but victoria was the most concern'd . however , don ferdinand was not able to come so soon : for the very same day he parted from victoria , heaven punish'd his treachery . as he arriv'd at illescas , a fierce dog running out of a house unawares , affrighted his mule so terribly , that his leg was sorely bruis'd against a wall , and he thrown down , and his knee put out of joint , which pain'd him so much , he could not prosecute his journey . he was seven or eight days under the surgeons hands , who were none of the most skillful , and his ailment growing worse and worse , he at length acquainted his cousin with his misfortune , desiring him withal to send him a horse-litter . the news of his fall afflicted 'em no less , than the knowledge of his being so nigh pleas'd them . victoria , who still lov'd him , was not a little disquieted . don antonio sent a letter to convey don ferdinand to madrid , where being arriv'd , whilst they were providing cloaths for him and his retinue , which was very magnificent , he being the eldest son of the family , and wealthy enough , the surgeons of madrid , more skilful than those at illescas , cured him perfectly well . don pedro de sylva , and his daughter elvira , had notice given 'em of the day whereon don antonio de ribera , was to bring his cousin don ferdinand to them . it is probable the young elvira did not neglect her self , nor was victoria without concern , she saw her faithless lover make his entrance , trickt up like a bride●groom ; and if he was so charming in a poor disorderly habi● what must he be now in his wedding-cloaths ? don pedro was very well satisfied with him , and his daughter must have been very nice , had she not been fully pleas'd . all the servants of the house stared with open eyes upon their young lady's bridegroom , and every one of the family , was over-joyed excepting poor victoria , whose heart was opprest with grief . don ferdinand was charm'd with elvira's beauty , and confest to his cousin , that she was still more beautiful than her picture . his first complements express a great deal of wit , and he very skilfully avoided those impertinent fooleries , and starch'd nonsense , most men are guilty of , in their first addresses to a father-in-law , and a mistress . don pedro de sylva lockt himself up in a closet with the two kinsmen and a lawyer , to adjust somwhat that was left unfinished in the articles . in the mean time elvira staid in her chamber , surrounded with her women , who all exprest their joy at the good mien , and noble air of her lover : only victoria stood cold and silent , whilst the rest were in their raptures . elvira observed this , and took her aside to tell her , she admired she said nothing of the happy choice her father had made of a son-in-law , who seem'd so deserving : adding , that either out of complaisance or civility , she ought at least to wish her joy. madam , replied victoria , your lover's mien speaks so much to his advantage , it were needless to add my commendations . the coldness you have taken notice of , does not proceed from any indifference ; and i were unworthy of the favours you have vouchsafed me , should i not share in every thing that concerns you ; and therefore i should be no less transported with joy at your marriage , than all the rest about you are , were i not so well acquainted with the gentleman you are to wed. my own husband was an inhabitant of sevil , whose house was not far from your lover's . he is , i confess , of a good family , rich , handsom , and i do believe , a man of wit. in fine , he is worthy of a lady , such as you are . but withal , you desire a man's entire affection , which he cannot bestow on you , because his heart is divided . i could wave a discovery , which may perhaps displease you : but i should be wanting to my duty , should i not reveal all i know of don ferdinand , in a business which so nearly concerns the happiness or unhappiness of your whole life . elvira was amaz'd at her duegna's words , and intreated her , not to defer any longer the clearing those doubts she had started . victoria replied , that it was neither to be done before her women , not in few words . elvira pretended she had some business of privacy in her chamber , where victoria as soon as they were alone , told her : that ferdinand de ribera was in love at sevil , with one lucretia de monsalva , a very beautiful lady , tho' of a very mean fortune , by whom he had three children , upon promise of marriage ; and that during ribera's father's life , it was kept very secret , after whose death , lucretia having claim'd his promise , he grew very indifferent ; whereupon she had left the business to the management of two gentlewomen , her relations , which made so much noise in sevil , that don ferdinand , by his friends persuasion , absented himself for a time , to shun the rage of lucretia's kindred , who sought for blood and revenge . in this posture were his affairs ; added she , when i left sevil , which is about a month agoe , at which time it was also reported , that don ferdinand was going to madrid to be married . elvira could not forbear asking , whether that lucretia were a greater beauty ? victoria told her , she wanted nothing but a fortune , and so left her extream pensive ; and firmly resolv'd , to give instantly her father an account of the discovery . at the same moment , she was call'd to entertain her lover , the business for which he retir'd into the closet with her father , being concluded . elvira went to him , whilst victoria staid in the withdrawing-room , where the same fellow came to her that attended on him , when she so generously receiv'd them into her house near toledo . this servant brought a packet of letters for his master , which he had taken up at the post-office from sevil , and not knowing victoria , so much her widows weeds disguis'd her , he desired to be admitted to the speech of his master , to deliver him the letters . she told him , it would be a good while before he could conveniently speak with him ; but if he durst trust her with she packet , she would be sure to give it him as soon as possibly she could get to him . the fellow made no scruple in the case , and having left the packet in her custody , went about his business victoria , who was resolv'd to leave no stone unturn'd , goes up to her own chamber , opens the packet , and in a moment seal● it up again , together with a letter of her own , which she writ in hast . in the mean time , the two kinsmen made an end of their visit , and took their leave . elvira spying the letters in her governant's hands , ask'd what it was ? victoria coldly answer'd , that don ferdinand's servant had left some letters with her , to deliver to his master , which she was going to send after him , not being in the way when he went out . elvira said , it would give 'em some further light about the discovery she had made . this being what she desir'd , victoria breaks open the ●eal a second time . elvira lookt upon all the letters , and fixing her eye upon one which seem'd to be writ by a woman , addrest to don ferdinand de ribera at madrid , she read these following lines . your absence , and the news i hear of your marriage at court , will soon deprive you of a person that valued you above her own life , unless you suddenly return , and ●●ke good your promise ; which you can neither defer any longer , nor deny me ; without a manifest indifference , or breach of faith. if what i hear be true , that you regard your vows and promises so little , which you have made both to me and our children , i advise you to take care of your life ; which my relations are resolv'd to take for your treachery , whenever you ungrateful vsage shall prompt me to call upon 'em for my just revenge , since you enjoy it now only at my request . from sevil. lucretia de monsalva . elvira having read this letter , was persuaded of the truth of what her governante had told her . moreover she shew'd it to her father , who could not but admire , that a gentleman of his quality should be so base , as to be treacherous to a lady of equal birth with him , after he had so many children by her . thereupon he went to a gentleman of sevil for further information , being a friend of his , and one that had before given him an account of ferdinand's wealth and circumstances . he was scarce gone out of doors , when don ferdinand came to inquire for his packet , attended with his servant , who told him , his mistresse's governante had promis'd to deliver them into his hands . he found elvira alone in the parlour , and told her , that though the engagement which was between her and him , might excuse two visits in one day ; yet he only came for the letters his man had left with her duegns . elvira freely told him , that she had taken then from her , and had the curiosity to break them open ; no doubting but a man of his years , had some amorous engagement in so great a city as sevil ; and though her curiosity yielded her but little satisfaction , yet she had met with the caution in recompense ; how dangerous it was for people to be married together , before they were thoroughly acquainted with each other ; adding , she would not debar him 〈◊〉 longer of the pleasure of perusing his letters . at these 〈◊〉 she restor'd him his paquet , with the counterfeit letter , 〈◊〉 making him a slight curtesie , left him without waiting 〈◊〉 his answer . don ferdinand was strangely surpriz'd at his ●●●tresses discourse . he perus'd the suppos'd letter , and ●●●ceiv'd it was a trick to hinder his marriage . he address'd himself to victoria , who remain'd in the outward room , and told her without taking much notice of her face , that either some rival , or malicious person had contriv'd that letter to abuse him . i a wife in sevil ! cry'd he with amazement : i children ! if this be not the most impudent imposture that ever was set on 〈◊〉 , i 'll forfeit my head — victoria told him he might possibly be innocent ; but however elvira in discretion could do no less than make a farther enquiry into the truth of it ; and therefore the marriage would certainly be put off , till her father don pedro could be convinc'd by a gentleman of sevil , his friend , ( whom he was gone to seek on purpose ; ) that this was only a pretended intrigue . with all my heart , answer'd he ; and if there be but a lady of the name of lucretia de monsalva in all sevil , let me forfeit the honour and reputation of a gentleman : and let me intreat you , added he , to let me know , if you are so far in your lady's favour as i suppose you to be , that i may bespeak your good offices on this occasion . truly answer'd victoria , i believe , without vanity , that she will not do a thing upon any body's account , that she has refus'd to do on mine : but withal , i know her humour is such , that she is not easily appeas'd , when she thinks her self disoblig'd : and as all the hopes of mending my fortune depend on the kindness she has for me , i shall never offer to contradict her out of complaisance to you , nor hazard her displeasure by endeavouring to work her out of the ill opinion she has of your sincerity . i am but poor , added she , and not to get any thing were to lose a great deal : if what she had promis'd to give me in case i marry a second time , should fail , i might live a widow all the rest of my days , though i am yet young enough , and not so deform'd but that some body or other may like me . but 't is an old saying , and a true one , that without money — she was thus going on with a true governante's tedious tale ; for to act●her part to the life , she must talk a great deal : but don ferdinand interrupring her , said : do me but one piece of service i shall require of you , and i will put you above the hopes of your mistress's reward : and , added he , to convince you that my promises are not empty words , give me pen , ink and paper , and you shall have what you will under my hand . jesu ! signior , says the feign'd governante , a gentleman's word is as good as his bond — but to obey you ( i will fetch you what you desire . she return'd again with materials enough to have drawn a bond of a million of gold , and don ferdinand was so gallant , or at least had such a months mind to elvira , that he signs her a blank , leaving her to fill it as she pleas'd , thereby to engage her to serve him with greater zeal . this rais'd victoria up to the clouds : she promis'd wonders to don ferdinand , and told him she wish'd her self the unhappiest of all her sex , if she did not act in this business , as if she her self was a party concern'd . and in this she spoke a great truth . don ferdinand left her full of hopes ; and rodrigo san●illane , who went for her father , being come to visit h●● , to learn how her design advanc'd , she gave him an account of all , and shew'd him the blank paper subscri●●d ; for which he gave thanks to heaven with her , finding all things seem'd to contribute to her happiness . to lose no time , he went home to the house that victoria had hir'd , not far from don pedro's , as i before related , where he had fill'd up the blank don ferdinand had given ( with a promise of marriage attested with witnesses , and dated about the same time that victoria receiv'd this faithless man into her country-house . he was as skilful a pen-man as any in spain , and had studied don ferdinand's hand so well in a copy of verses of his own writing , which he left to victoria , that don ferdinand himself would have been mistaken in the forgery , and thought it to be his own hand . don pedro de sylva , could not meet with the gentleman he sought to be inform'd about don ferdinand's amours , but left a note at his house , and came back to his own ; where that same night elvira unbosom'd her secrets to her governante , and vow'd she 'd sooner disobey her father , than ever to marry don ferdinand , confessing withal , that she was pre-ingaged to one don diego de maradas a long while before , and had in all reason complied enough with her father's commands and her own duty , by putting a constraint on her own inclinations , to satisfie him ; but since heaven had order'd it so , that don ferdinand's treachery was discover'd , she thought , by refusing him , she did obey the decrees of heaven , which seem'd to allot her another husband . you may imagine victoria fortified elvira in these good resolutions , and spoke quite contrary to don ferdinand's expectations . don diego de maradas , said then elvira to her , i● much dissatisfied with me , for having forsaken hi● obedience to my father ; but the least inviting look from me will bring him back , were he at as great a distance from me , as don ferdinand is from his lucretia . write to him , madam , and i shal willingly be your messenger . elvira was overjoy'd to find he governante so favourable to her designs . she commanded to coach to be made ready for victoria , who immedia●ely went a way with a billet-doux for don diego ; and being alighted at he● father santillane's , she sent the coach back again , telling the coachman , she would walk it whither she design'd to go . 〈◊〉 nest santillane shew'd her the promise of marriage he had draw up ; and she immediately wrote two little notes , one to 〈◊〉 diego de maradas , the other to don pedro de sylva , her lad●● father ; wherein she entreated 'em to repair to her house about business , with the direction where she dwelt , and subscribed her self , victoria portocarrero . whilst they were carrying these notes , victoria strips off her black weeds , put on very rich clothes , pulls out her locks , ( which i have been told were of the finest hair that could be ) and dress'd her head as nicely as if she was going to court. don diego de maradas came in a while after , to know what concern a lady , to whom he was a perfect stranger , might have with him . she receiv'd him very civilly ; and they were scarce set down , when it was told her , that don pedro de sylva was come to wait upon her . she intreated don diego to conceal himself in her alcove , assuring him , it concern'd him very much to hear the discourse she should have with don pedro. he easily comply'd with the desire of a lady of so much beauty , and so good mien , and don pedro was admitted into victoria's chamber , not knowing her , so much had her head-dress and rich attire chang'd her face , and heightned her majestick air. she desir'd him to place himself in a chair , whence don diego could easily hear all they said , and then began in these words : i think , sir , i ought in the first place to inform you who i am , because in all probability you are impatient to know it . i am of the family of the portocarrero's , born in the city of toledo , where i was married at the age of sixteen , and became a widow about six months after . my father was a knight of the order of st. iames , and my brother of the order of callatra●● don pedro interrupted her , to let her know her father was his intimate friend . what you tell me , rejoices me extreamly ; answer'd victoria , for i shall have occasion for a great many friends in the affairs i design to acquaint you with . after this he inform'd don pedro of all that pass'd between her and don ferdinand , and put into his hands the promise of marriage counterfeited by santillane . he had no sooner read it , but she went on thus : you know , sir , what honour obliges persons of my quality to do in these cases : for though justice should be partially denied me , yet have my friends so much power and credit , that they would prosecute my interest to the highest . i thought sir , it became me to let you know my pretensions , that you might put a stop to the match you had design'd for your daughter . she deserves better than to be thrown away upon a faithless man ; and i believe you are so discreet , as not to be obstinate in giving her a husband , whom another has right to dispute with her . were he a grandee of spain , replied don pedro , i would have nothing to do with him if he were unjust and false ; i shall therefore not only deny him my daughter , but my house ; and as for your self , madam , both my friends and interest are at your service . i had notice given me before , that he was a ma● that follow'd his pleasure , even at the expence of his reputation ; and being of that humour , though you had no title to him , he never should have my daughter , who . i hope in god , shall not want a husband in the court of spain . don pedro took his leave of victoria , seeing she had no more to say to him ; and then victoria call'd don diego out of the alcove , where he overheard all the conversation she had with her mistress's father . this spar'd her the labour of repeating her story : she deliver'd elvira's letter to him , which transported him with joy ; and lest he should be in pain to know how she came by it , she entrusted him with her metamorphosis into a duegna , knowing he was as much concern'd as her self to keep it socret . don diego , before he left victoria , wrote an answer to his mistress's letter , wherein the infinite joy he express'd for his reviv'd hopes , plainly discover'd the real affliction he had been in ever since he thought them quite lost . he parted from the fair widow , who presently put on her governantes habit , and return'd to don pedro's . in the interim don ferdinand de ribera was gone to wait upon his mistress , and had taken his cousin don antonio along with him to endeavour to set all that to rights again , which had been charg'd against him by victoria's feign'd letter . don pedro found'em with his daughter , who knew not what to answer , when they both desir'd no better justification , than only a due enquiry , whether there ever were in sevil such a lady as lucretia de monsalvo . they repeated the same plea to don pedro , to clear don ferdinand ; to which he answer'd : that if that engagement with the lady of sevil was a supposition , it was so much the easier defeated ; but that he came from a lady of toledo , nam'd victoria porto-ca●●ero , to whom don ferdinand had promis'd marriage , and to whom he was still more engag'd , having been so generously assisted by her , when a meer stranger to her ; which he could no● deny , since she had under his hand and seal a promise of marriage from him ; adding , a person of honour ought not to court a wife at madrid , whilst he had one already at toledo : at these words he shew'd the two cousins the promise of marriage in due form. don antonio knew his cousin's writing and don ferdinand mistaking it , though he were confident he had never given any , was quite confounded at the sight of it . the father and the mother withdrew , after they had coldly bid them adieu . don antonio quarrell'd with his cousin for employing him in this treaty , when he had another on foot before . they took coach together , where don antonio having made him confess his unhandsom proceeding with victoria , reproach'd him a thousand times with the heinousness of the fact , and represe●●ed to him the evil consequence that was like to attend it . he told him , he must not think of getting a wife , not only at madrid , but in any part of spain ; and that he were happy if he could get off by marrying victoria , without forfeiting his life with his honour , victoria's brother being a person not us'd to put up so foul a business without full stisfaction . it was don ferdinand's part to be silent , whilst his cousin continued his reproaches . his conscience sufficiently accus'd him of treachery and falshood against a lady that had so highly oblig'd him ; but this promise of marriage almost distracted him , not knowing by what strange inchantment they had made him grant it . victoria being come back to don pedro's in her widow's weeds , deliver'd don diego's letter to elvira , who told her how the two kinsmen had been there to justifie themselves ; but that don ferdinand was charged with other-guess practices , than his amours with the lady of sevil ; she afterwards related what victoria knew better than her self ; though she pretended to admire and detest don ferdinand's baseness . that same day elvira was invited to a play at one of her relations . victoria , whose thoughts still ran upon her own affairs , hop'd , if elvira would follow her counsel , that this play would prove favourable to her design . she told her young lady , that if she had a mind to meet her lover don diego , there was nothing more easie , her father's house being the most convenient that could be ; and that since the play was not to begin till midnight , she might go out a little earlier , and have time enough to speak with don diego , and then go to her relations . elvira , who really lov'd don diego ; and had consented to marry don ferdinand , only out of respect to her father's command , shew'd no reluctancy to do whatever victoria propounded . wherefore they took coach as soon as ever don pedro was gone to bed ; and went to victoria's house . santillone , as master of the family , and beatrix , who personated the mother-in-law , welcom'd them very civilly . elvira wrote a billet to don diego , which was deliver'd immediately ; whilst victoria dispatched another privately away to don ferdinand in elvira's name ; to let him know it was in his power to compleat the march , on which his extraordinary merit engag'd her to adventure , as not desiring to make her self unhappy for ever by losing him , only to please a father's crabbed suspicious humour . in the same note she gave him such particular directions to find the house , that it was impossible he should miss of it : which note was carried a little while after that other from elvira , to don diego . victoria wrote a third likewise , which santillane carried himself to don pedro de syl●●a , and by which she inform'd him , as a trusty governante , that his daughter , instead of going to the play , would needs stop at her father's house , and had sent for don ferdinand to consummate her marriage with him ; which she believing to be against his consent , she though her self bound to give him notice of it , that he might know he was not at all mistaken in the good opinion he entertain'd of her honesty , when he chose her to be his daughter's governante . santillane likewise told don pedro , his daughter had charg'd him not to come thither by any means without bringing an algouazil along with him , which is an officer much like a commissary in paris . don pedro being in bed , hasten'd to put on his clothes in a great passion . but whilst he is dressing himself , and sending for a commissary , let us go back and see what they are doing at victoria's . by good fortune the notes came safe to the brace of lovers hands . don diego , who had receiv'd his first , came likewise first to the assignation . victoria met him at the door , and conducted him into a chamber , where she left him with elvira . i will not trouble you with the relation of all the endearments which pass'd betwixt these young lovers ; and if i would , don ferdinand 's knocking at the door gives me not time enough . victoria lets him in her self , after having magnified the great service she did him on this occasion ; for which the amorous spark return'd her a thousand thanks , promising he would yet do more for her than all his former promises engag'd him to . she leads him into a chamber , where she desir'd him to stay a while for elvira , who was coming , and so lock'd him in without any light ; telling him , his mistress would needs have it thus ; but that 't would not be long before he should be visible again ; adding , a young lady's modesty would not suffer her to bear , without blushing , the sight of him for whom she did so bold an action . this done , victoria , with all the haste she could , attired her self as well and as nicely as the short time would admit . she goes into the chamber where don ferdinand was , who had not the least suspicion but that she was elvira , being no less young than she , and having perfumes about her , according to the spanish fashion , as would have made a chamber-maid pass for a woman of qual●ty . thereupon don pedro , the algouazil , and santillane arrive . they enter the chamber where elvira was in private with her lover ; at which they both were not a little surpriz'd . don pedro was blinded by the first transports of his passion , that he was ready to run the person thro' the body with his sword , whom he , took for don ferdinand . the commissary discovering it was not he but don diego , held back his arm , bidding him have a care what he did , since it was not don ferdinand de ribera that was with his daughter , but don diego de maradas , a person of as great quality and riches as he . don pedro at this behav'd himself like a discreet gentleman , and rais'd up his daughter , who had cast her self upon her knees at his feet . he wisely consider'd , that if he should cross her inclination , by opposing this match , he would create both her and himself a great deal of trouble ; and besides , that he could not pitch upon a better son-in-law , if he had had the chusing of him himself . santillane desir'd don pedro , the algouazil , and all those that were with 'em in the room to follow him , and led them to the chamber where don ferdinand was shut up with victoria . they commanded the door to be open'd in the king's name : don ferdinand letting them in , and seeing don pedro , attended with the commissary , told them , with a great deal of confidence , that he was with his wife elvira de sylva . don pedro answer'd , he was mistaken , his daughter being married to another ; and as for you , added he , you cannot deny but victoria porto-carrero is your lawful wife . victoria then undiscover'd her self to her faithless gallant , who remain'd full of confusion . she expostulated his ingratitude ; to which his silence was his only plea , as well as to the commissary , when he told him he could do no less than carry him away to prison . in short , his romorse of conscience , and fear of imprisonment , together with don pedro's exhortations , who minded him of his honour and reputation , joyn'd to victoria's tears and beauty , nothing inferior to elvira's , and above all the rest , some sparks of generosity still remaining in his heart , notwithstanding his debaucheries and follies of youth , made him yield to reason and justice , and victoria's bright charms . he tenderly embrac'd her , she being likely to swoon in his arms , which no doubt but his warm kisses preserv'd her from . don pedro , don diego , and fair elvira shar'd in victoria's happiness , and santillane and beatrix were ready to die for joy. don pedro very much commended don ferdinand for thus nobly repairing the wrongs he had committed . the two young ladies embrac'd each other with as great testimonies of love , as if they had hugg'd their own husbands . don diego de maradas made a thousand protestations of his obedience to his father-in-law , or he that should be so in a short time , don pedro , before he went home with his daughter , made them promise that they should all come and dine the next day at his house , where for fifteen days following , he would endeavour by solemn rejoycings , to dispel the thoughts of their past troubles . the algouazil was invited too , who promis'd to be there : don pedro took him along with him ; and don ferdinand remain'd with victoria , who now had as much reason to bless her good fortune , as she formerly had to curse it . chap. xxiii . an unexpected misfortune , which prevented the acting of the play. inezilla recounted her story with admirable grace : roqu●brune was so pleas'd with it , that he caught up her hand , and kist it whether she would or no. she told him in spanish , that great men and fools have the liberty to do any thing ; for which rancour gave her thanks in his heart . this spanish lady's face began to break , yet there were many fine remains of her former beauty to be seen . but had she been less handsom , her wit made her to be preferr'd to a younger person . all those that heard the story agreed in this , that she had made it very entertaining in a language she was but yet a novice in , being oftentimes oblig'd to intermix spanish and italian with it to express her meaning . madam 〈◊〉 told her , that instead of begging excuse for putting her to the trouble of speaking so long , she expected her thanks for giving her so fair an occcasion to shew her extraordinary wit. the rest of the afternoon was spent in conversation the garden being full of ladies , and many citizens of note till supper-time . they supp'd after the way of mans ; that is to say , they made very good chear ; which being over , every one took their places to see the play : but madam cave and her daughter were missing . they sent to seek them out ; and it was half an hour before any tidings came . at last they heard a great noise without the hall ; and presently after in comes madam cave , with dishevelled hair , her face bloody and bruis'd , crying out , like a distracted creatute , that her daughter was stollen away . her sobs and sighs did so interrupt her speech , that it was a long time before she could make 'em understand how a couple of strangers , being through a back-door got into the garden , where she and her daughter were rehearsing their parts , one of 'em seiz'd upon her , whose eyes she 'd almost scratcht out of his head , seeing two others take away her daughter by force ; the same villain having put her into that sad condition they saw , and afterwards , mounting on horseback , follow'd his comrades , one of whom held angelica before him , she told 'em likewise , that she pursu'd 'em as far as she could , crying out , a rape ; but finding no body was within hearing , she hasted back again to the house to beg their assistance . with these last words , she shed such a flood of tears , as mov'd all the beholders with pity . destiny , got presently on the back of a horse , on which rogatin was just arriv'd from mans , ( but whether or no it was the same that threw him in the morning . i cannot justly tell . ) many other young men mounted the horses they could lay their hands on , and rode after destiny , who was got a good way before ' em . rancour and olive march'd on foot , with their swords in their hands , in the rear of the horse ; and roquebrune staid with star and inezilla , who were endeavouring to comfort cave as well as they could . some found fault with him , for not going along with the rest , ascribing it to want of courage ; but others more favourable , have commended his discretion , for staying with the women . in the mean time , the guests were reduc'd to change their comedy for dancing , and having no fidlers , because they expected a play , they trip'd about , by the singing of some of the company . poor cave found her self ●o disorder'd , that she went to bed in one of their dressing-chambers : star took as much care of her , as if she had been her own mother , and inezilla was very officious likewise . the indispos'd woman desir'd they would leave her alone , and so roquebrune leads the two ladies into the hall , where was the rest of the company . they were hardly set down , but one of the house-maids came and told star that cave desir'd to speak with her ; she promis'd the poet and spanish lady to return immediately to ●●em , and went to cave● 't is probable that if roquebrune had any wit in him , he made use of that opportunity , to acquaint the fair inezilla with his necessities . however , as soon as cave saw star she desir'd her to make the door fast , and come to her bed-side . star having seated her self as she desir'd , the first thing she did , was to weep afresh , and then she laid hold of her hands , bathing 'em with her tears ; and groaning and sobbing in a lamentable manner . star endeavour'd to comfort her , giving her hopes , her daughter would soon be recover'd again , her ravishers being persued by so many people . i wish she may never return , said she : weeping still more and more , i wish she might never be found , repeated she again , and that this were all my grief : but i must blame her most ; nay , i must have her ; and curse the hour i brought her into the world. look here i said she , putting a paper into star's hands : look and satisfie your self , what a fine companion you had , and read in this letter the sentence of my death , and my child's infamy . cave sell a weeping again and star perus'd the following note , which you may read if you think fit . you ought not to doubt the truth of what i have often told you● of my quality and fortune , since there is no probability that i should deceive a person , to whom i cannot recommend my self , but by my sincerity . this , fair angelica , is the only way by which i can merit your favour . and therefore you may safely promise to grant my request which i cannot , nor shall not desire to obtain , till i have convinc'd 〈◊〉 of my reality . as soon as she had perus'd this letter , cave ask'd her , if she knew that hand ? as well as my own , replied star : it is le●●der's my brother's servant , that writes all our parts . this is the traytor that will break my heart , said the poor woman , see if he have not contriv'd it fairly , added she , giving another letter of the same leander's writing into madam star's hands , which you may read as follows , word for word . it rests only in you to compl●●● my happiness by continuing in the same resolution , you were in two days since . my father's tenant , who is us'd to supply me with money , has sent me a hundred pistols , and a brace of good horses , which will be more than enough to carry us both into england ; and being there , i am much deceiv'd , if a father , who loves his only son more than his own life , do not quickly condescend to all his desires , to make him return again . well , said cave , what think you now of your companion , and your brother's servant ? what think you of that girl , i had bred up with so much care ; and that young fellow , whose wit and discretion we so often admired ? my greatest wonder is , that they were never observ'd to speak to one another ; and that my daughter 's sprightly humour , seem'd not in the least to encline her to love : and yet she 's in love , my dearest , star , and so desperately , that it argues as much of madness , as of affection . i found her this very day writing to her leander , in such passionate expressions , that if i had not surpriz'd her my self , i could never have believ'd it . you never heard her speak such language yet : ah! had i not torn her letters in my fury , you would be convinc'd that at sixteen years old , she knows as much , as those who have practis'd cocquetry all their lives-time . i carried her aside into the grove , whence she was taken from me , to chide her for the ill return she made me , for all the pains and trouble i have endur'd on her account . i will acquaint you with my sufferings , added she , and then judge you , whether ever any daughter were more oblig'd to love her mother . star knew not what to answer to these just complaints ; and besides , 't was wisdom to let her affliction take its course . but , continu'd 〈◊〉 if he were so fond of the daughter , why should he abuse the mother ● for one of his , company , who laid hold on me , beat me unmercifully ; nay , struck me several times , after i had done strugling with him and if this unlucky fellow be so rich as he brags , why does he spirit away my child like a thief ? cave thus bemoan'd her self for a long while , star still comforting her as well as she could . the master of the house came to know how she did and to acquaint her that there was a coach ready at her service , if the desir'd to return to mans : but she begg'd the liberty to remain there that night , to which he readily condescended . star staid there also to keep her company , and some ladies of mans took inezilla into a coach with 'em , she being unwilling to be longer from her husband . roquebrune , who could civilly leave the two actresses , was very sorry he could not wait upon inezilla ; but we cannot have every thing we desire in this world. the end of the first part. scarron's comical romance . part . ii. chap. i. which is but an introduction to the rest . the radiant sun shone perpendicularly upon our antipodes , and lent no more light to his sister , than she ●ad need of , to guide 〈◊〉 steps in a very dark night . a ●rofound silence o'er-spread all the earth , unless it be those ●laces where crickets , owls , or serenading-fops were found . ●n short , all nature lay husht in sleep , ( or at least , all na●●re ought to have been a-sleep ) except some poets , who had ●●abbed verses to turn into measure and rime ; some of those ●●fortunate lovers , whom we call damn'd souls , and all o●●er animals both reasonable and unreasonable , who that ●ight had any thing to do . 't were needless to tell you , that ●●stiny was one of those that did not sleep , no more than the ●avishers of mistriss angelica , whom he pursued as fast as he ●●●ld gallop a horse , whose way was often obscur'd by the ●●fficious clouds , which robb'd the earth of the feeble light the moon . destiny had a tender love for mistriss cave , ●he because she deserv'd it , and that he was sure of her af●●ctions ; 〈◊〉 her daughter less dear to him , for his ●●striss star being necessitated to follow the stage , he could not have found in all the strolling companies of the kingdom , two women more vertuous than they. not but that some of that profession are vertuous , but according to the general opinion of the world , who perhaps may be mistaken , they are more light of vertue , than of old embroidery or paint . to go on with our proper business : our generous stroller gallop'd after those ravishers , with more swiftness and animosity than the lapithae after the centaurs . he went first of all through a long walk , into which opened the garden-door , at which angelica was carryed away , and having gallop'd a little while , he struck at a venture into a little hollow lane , as are most lanes in mayne . this lane was also full of wheel-tracts and stones , and tho' 't was moon-shine , yet the darkness was such , that destiny could not perswade his steed to go faster than a broken pace . he was inwardly cursing this crabbed way , when he felt either a man or a devil leaping on horseback behind him , and clasping his hands about his neck . destiny was terribly frighted , and his horse so much startled , that he had thrown off his rider , had not the phantom who invested him within his arms , kept him firm on the saddle . his horse rode away with him , like a horse in a fright , and destiny put him on with his spurs , not knowing what he did , very much dissatisfied , to feel two naked arms about his neck , and next his cheek a cold face , which blew in time with the cadence of the galloping nag . the race prov'd long , because the lane was not a short one ; at last , at the entrance into a heath , the horse abated his impetuous course , and destiny his fear ; for custom brings us by degrees to bear with the most intolerable evils . the moon now shone with a clearer light , on purpose to let him see , that he had a great man stark naked behind him , and a very homely face next his . he did not ask who he was , ( wheter out of good manners i cannot tell ) but still kept his horse on the gallop , tho' by this time he began to breath short and thick , and when he least expected it , the hind-rider dropt on the ground , and fell a laughing . destiny put on his horse a● main , and looking behind him , he saw his phantom runing as fast as he could drive towards the place from whence he came . destiny confest since , that no man can be more frightde than he was at that time . about a hundred steps farther he came to a great road , that led him to a hamlet , where he found all the dogs awake , which made him believe that those he pursued might have gone that way . in order to b● better inform'd , he did all he could to rouze the inhabitan●● of three or four houses that stood on the 〈◊〉 could no● prevail to be heard , but was insulted and bark'd at by the dogs . at last , hearing a child cry in the last house he met with ; he caus'd the door to be open'd with severe threats ; and learnt of a woman , trembling in her smock , that some troopers were gone through their town , carrying with them a woman who wept like a child , and that they had much ado to still her noise . he told the same woman the adventure he had with the naked-man , and she inform'd him , that he was a peasant of their village who was run mad , and rov'd up and down . what this woman told him about those troopers who went through that town , encouraged him to go farther , and made him request his steed to mend his pace . i will not recount how often he stumbled , and was frighted at his own shadow : 't is enough to inform you , that destiny lost his way through a wood , and riding sometimes in the dark , and sometimes in the moon-shine , he at last met with break of day near a country farm , where he thought ●it to let his horse feed , and where we will leave him , chap. ii. of boots . whilst destiny grop'd his way in the dark , in his pursuit of those who had stollen away angelica , rancour , and olive , who did not take that rape so much to heart , did not run so fast as he after the ravishers ; and besides , you must consider they were on foot , therefore they did not go far , and having found in the next village , an inn that was open , they went in , and ask'd for a bed. the house being almost full ; they were shewn a room , where lay one , ( either a gentleman or a plebian ) who had supp'd in the inn , and being upon business which required haste , ( but which never came to my knowledge ) reckon'd to be gone at break of day . the arrival of our strollers did not favour his design of getting betimes on horseback ; for they wak'd him ●ut of his first sleep , for which perhaps he curst'em in his heart , but the sight of two men that look'd like something ; was undoubtedly the reason why he did not complain aloud . r●ncour , who had an accostin behaviour , first begg'd his pardon for their interrupting his repose , and then ask'd him from whence he came ? he told them he came from anjon , and was going into normandy , about a business that requir'd haste . rancour went on with his questions while he was undressing himself , and the sheets airing : but as they were all impertinent , and of no use to either , especially to the poor man whom they had waked , he was desired to forbear , and suffer him to go to sleep . rancour begg'd heartily his pardon , and at the same time self-love banishing out of his breast the love of his neighbour , he resolved to appropriate to himself a pair of new boots , which the ostlers-boy brought into the room , after having clean'd them . olive , who at that time had only a mind to a sound sleep , went into bed , whilst rancour sat by the fire , not so much to see the fagot they had lighted , burnt out , as to satisfie his noble ambition , of having a new pair of boots at another mans expence . now assoon as he thought that the man whom he was going to rob , was fast asleep , he took his boots which stood at his beds-feet , and having put them on vvithout stockins , not forgetting the spurs , he vvent thus booted and spurr'd , into bed to olive . 't is probable he lay as near the side of the bed as he could , lest his armed legs should touch the naked ones of his bed-fellovv , who would undoubtedly have rais'd a noise about this new way of lying betwixt two sheets , and by that means make his plot miscarry . the remaining part of the night was pretty quiet : rancour slept , or at least dissembled sleep : the cocks crew ; day came , and the man who lay in the same room with our strollers , order'd a fire to be kindled , and began to dress himself . when he went to put on his boots , a maid offer'd him rancour's old ones , which he flung down with contempt ; the maid obstinately maintain'd they were his , whereupon he fell into a great passion , and made a devilish noise . the inn-keeper came up into the room , and swore upon the faith of an honest inn-keeper , that there were no other boots besides his own , not only in his house , but also in all the village , the parson himself never going on horseback . thereupon he began to entertain him with the good qualities of the parson , and tell him how he came by his living , and how long he was in possession of it . the inn-keepers idle talk , made him lose all patience . now rancour and olive , who waked at the noise , took cognizance of the business ; and rancour exaggerated the enormity and hainousness of the fact , and told the inn-keeper , that 't was a very foul thing . i care no more for a pair of new boots , than for an old pair of shoes , ( said the poor bootless man to rancour , were it not that i am upon a business of great importance , for a man of quality , whom i 'd chuse to serve before my own father , and if i could buy other boots , i 'd give any price for 'em , were they never so bad . rancour who sat on the bed , shrugg'd up now and then his shoulders , and answer'd him nothing , keeping his eyes still fixt on the inn-keeper and his maid , who lookt for the boots to no purpose ) and the wretch that lost them , who in the mean time did fret like a mad man , and perhaps design'd to hang himself , when rancour out of an unexampled and unwonted generosity , said aloud , and thrusting himself into the bed , like one who is almost dead for want of sleep ; zounds , sir , don't keep such a noise about your boots , but rather take mine , upon condition you let us sleep , which is no more than what you desired of me last night . the unfortunate man , who now ceas'd to be so since he found a pair of boots , had much ado to believe his own ears . he mustered a great deal of nonsense to return him thanks , which he uttered with so passionate a tone , that rancour fear'd lest he should come at last and embracc him a bed . wherefore he cryed out in a passion , and swearing most learnedly : zounds , sir , what a troublesome man you are , both when you lose your boots , and when you thank those that furnish you again . once more , take mine in god's name , and all i ask for 'em , is , that you let me sleep , or else give me my boots back again , and make as much noise as you please . he begun to open his mouth in order to reply , when rancour cry'd out , good god! let me sleep , or let me have my boots . the inn-keeper , who by this time had a great respect for rancour , from this imperious way of speaking , thrust his guest out of the chamber , well knowing he would have the last , like one who was highly thankful for a pair or boots so generously given : however he was fain to leave the room , and go into the kitchen to put on his boots , at which time rancour began to sleep with more tranquillity than he had done in the night , his sleepy faculty not being disturbed either by this wakeful desire of stealing a pair of boots , or the fear of being taken in the very fact. as for olive , who had made a better use of the night , he got up betimes , call'd for some wine , and fell a drinking , which was the best thing he could do . rancour slept till eleven of the clock , and as he was dressing himself , ragotin came into the room . he had been that morning visiting the actresses at their toilet , and mistriss star having told him she had but little reason to think him one of her friends , since he did not go after her companion as well as the rest , he promis'd not to return to mans before he had learnt news of her : but not finding a horse , either for love or money , he could never have kept his promise , had not his miller lent him his mule , which he mounted without boots , and so arrived ( as i said before ) at the village where the two strollers had lain . rancour had a strange ready wit ; and so he no sooner saw ragotin in shoes , but he thought fortune favour'd him with an opportunity of concealing his theft , which he was much in pain how to do . wherefore he presently desired him to lend him his shoes , and to take his boots , which being new , did hurt one of his feet . ragotin accepted his proposal with much joy , for as he was riding on his mule , the tongue of the stirrup-buckle had torn his stockins , which made him heartily wish for a pair of boots . now to acknowledge the favour in some measure , he paid for the players dinner , as well as for his own and his mule's . and because since his late fall , ( when his carabine went off betwixt his legs ) he made an oath never to get upon the back of any saddle-beast , without taking care of his safety , he therefore made use of a jossingblock ; but yet with all this precaution , he had much ado to get into the pack-saddle . his brain was too full of quicksilver to be judicious ; a sign of which was his turning up the tops of his boots up to his waste , which hindred him from having the free use of his hams , that were none of the most vigorous in the province , however ragotin , mounted on his mule , and the strollers on foot , set forward on their journery , and followed the next road they came at . as they were going along . ragotin opened his mind to the strollers , and told them his design of turning player , and acting in their company , protesting withal , that tho' he did not doubt but in a short time he would prove the best actor in the kingdom , yet he did not expect any profit from his profession , and that he only did it out of curiosity , and to let the world know , that he was fit for any thing he had a mind to undertake . rancour and olive fortified him in his noble design , and what with commending and encouraging of him , they put him into so good a humour , that from his high station , he began to recite verses out of theophilus's piramus and t●isbe certain peasants who attended a loaden cart , and were going the same way , hearing him speak with the emphasis of enthusiast , thought he could do no less than preach the word ● the lord ; and as long as he rehears'd his heroicks . they walk'd cap in hand , and respected him like a high-way preacher . chap. iii. the history of cave . the two women-strollers , whom we left in the house , from whence angelica was stollen away , had no better nights rest than destiny . mistriss star went into the same bed with mistriss cave ; both not to leave her alone with her despair , and to endeavour with gentle perswasions to alleviate her affliction . at last finding that so just a grief did not want reasons to defend it self , she us'd no arguments to oppose it ; only to make a diversion she began to complain of her hard fate , as much as her bedfellow did of hers , and thus cunningly engag'd her to relate her adventures , the more easily , because at that juncture cave would not allow any body to be more unfortunate than her self . she therefore wip'd off those tears that trickled down her cheeks in abundance , and fetching a sound and deep sigh , that she might not have the trouble to sigh again so soon ; she thus began to tell her story . i was born a player , daughter to a player , of whom i never heard that he had any relations but players . my mother was daughter to a merchant of marseilles , who bestowed her in marriage to my father , as a recompense for venturing his life , to defend his , against a gally-officer ( as much in love with my mother , as he was hated by her ) who had attack'd him to his disadvantage . this was an extraordinary good fortune for my father ; for without being put to the trouble of suing , and wooing , he married a wife young , beautiful and richer than a stroller could ever pretend to . his father-in-law endeavour'd to persuade him to leave his profession , and betake himself to the business of a merchant , as the most profitable and creditable of the two . but my mother , who was a great lover of plays , hindred him from leaving the stage ; tho' to give him his due , he was inclin'd to follow his wife's fathers advice , as one that knew much better than she , that a player's life is not so happy as it appears to be . my father left marseilles soon after his marriage , carried away my mother to make her first campagne , she being more impatient than he , and in a little time made an excellent player of her . she proved with child the first year of her marriage and was brought to bed of me behind the scenes ; a year after i had a brother whom i loved dearly , and by whom i was much belov'd . our company was made up of our family , and of three players , one of which had a wife who acted under parts . upon a holy-day we went through a small town in perigord ; my mother , the other player and i , on the cart that carried our baggage , and our men on foot to guard us , when our little caravan was attack'd by seven or eight ugly fellows , so very drunk , that meaning only to fright us with shooting off a gun , i felt their shot all over me , and my mother receiv'd a dangerous wound in the arm. they seiz'd my father and two of his companions before they were able to defend themselves , and beat them unmercifully . my brother , and the youngest of our men fled away , and ever since i could never hear of my brother . the inhabitants of the town joined themselves to those who offered us this outragious violence , and caused our cart to go back . this eager mobb ran fiercely like people who have got a great booty , and are willing to secure it , and made such noise that they did not hear one another speak , after an hours march they carried us into a castle , which we had no sooner entred but we heard several people cry out with great joy , that the gypsies were taken ; by that we found their mistake , which gave us a little comfort . the mare that drew our cart fell down dead with weariness , having been hard put to it , and soundly beaten . the player to whom the mare belonged , and of whom the company hired her , fell a roaring in as lamentable a manner as if her husband had been dying : at the same time my mother felt such violent pain in her arm , that she fainted away , which made me roar so loud , that my cries drowned those of the player , upon account of her mare . the noise we made , together with the hallowing of the rude rabble , and of the drunken scoundrels who brought us thither , caused the lord of the castle to come out of a parlour attended with four or five ill-look'd fellows in red-coats or cloaks . his first question was , where , where are the thieving gypsies ? which put us in a terrible fright ; but seeing none but fair faces among us , he then askt my father who he was , and had no sooner heard that we were a wretched company of players , but with an impetuous passion , at which we all wonder'd , and swearing in as furious a manner as ever i heard a man swear , he charged with his sword those who had seised us , and caused them to disappear in a moment , some of them wounded , and the rest in a terrible fright . the mobb being thus dispersed , he commanded my father and his companions to be untied , the women to be carried into a room , and our goods to be laid up safe . some chamber-maids came to wait upon us and got a bed ready for my mother , who found her self very ill of her wound in her arm. soon after , a man that looked like a steward came to express his masters concern for the rude usage we had received . he told us that the scoundrels who made so unlucky a mistake , sneaked away most of 'em soundly beaten , or lame , and that a surgeon was sent for from the next town ●o dress my mothers arm ; afterwards he asked us very earnestly , whether they had taken any thing from us , and advised us to view our goods , and see if there were any thing wanting . at night they brought us our supper into our room ; the surgeon came , my mothers wound was drest , and she went to bed in a violent feavour . the next day the lord of the castle sent for the players , enquired of them how my mother did , and told them he would not suffer her to go out of his house before she was perfectly recover'd . he was so obliging as to send men up and down the country to enquire after my brother and the young player , with whom he fled away , but they could not be found ; which misfortune encreased my mothers feaver , a phisician and a surgeon ( more skillful than he who drest her wound first ) were sent for from of a neighbouring town , and in a short time our good usage in the castle made us forget the violence we had suffered . the lord at whose house we were entertain'd , was a very rich man , more fear'd than lov'd through all the country ; as violent in all his actions as a governour of a frontier town , and one who had the reputation to be as brave as hercules . his name was the baron de sigognac ; at this present time he could be no less than a marquiss , but in those days he was only a petty tyrant of perigord . a company of gypsies who had lain in his lordship , stole away some horses out of a park where he kept mares for breed , at a leagues distance from his castle , and the men that were sent to pursue them mistook us for 'em , to our cost . my mother being now perfectly well , my father and his companions to express their gratitude for their kind entertainment , as far as poor strollers were able , offer'd to act in the castle as long as the baron de sigognac would desire it . an over-grown page , at least four and twenty years of age ; who was undoubtedly the dean of all the pages in the kingdom , and a sort of gentleman waiter , studied the parts of my brother , and of the player with whom he ran away . and now busie fame ●roclaim'd through all the country that a company of strol●rs were to act a play at the baron de sigognac's ; abundance of perigordine gentry were invited to the shew , and when the page was perfect in his part , which he found so difficult to learn , that they were fain to cut and reduce it to two lines , we acted garnier's roger and bradamante . the assembly was very fine ; the room well lighted ; the stage convenient , and the scenes adapted to the subject . we all endeavour'd to do our best , and we acted with applause . my mother in the habit of an amazon appeared as beautiful as an angel , and tho' her late indisposition made her look a little pale , yet the brightness of her complexion obscur'd all the lights in the room . tho' i have great reason to be very melancholy , yet i cannot forbear laughing whenever i think how ridiculosly the page acted his part ; neither must my ill humour rob you of this pleasant passage ; perhaps you may not find it such , but i can assure you that it made all the company laugh very heartily , and that i have laught at it since , whether it be really laughable , or because i am one of those who laugh at a very small matter . he acted the page of the duke of aymon , and had but two lines to speak in all the play , when the old man reprimanded his daughter bradamante for refusing to marry the emperours son , ( because she was in love with roger ) the page says to his master . monsieur , rentrons dedans , je crains que vous tombiez , vous n'ètez pas trop bien assuré sur vos pieds . this great oaf of a page , tho' his part was easie enough to remember , yet murder'd the second verse , and said very aukwardly , and trembling like a malefactor . monsieur , rentrons dedans , je crains que vous tombiez ; vous n'ètes pas trop bien assuré sur vos iambes . this false rime surpriz'd every body ; he that acted aymon's part burst out a-laughing , and was not able to represent an angry old man. all the assistants laugh'd as well as he ; and i my self , who was then peeping through the hangings to see and be seen , laugh'd also to that degree that i was ready to drop down . the master of the house , who was one of those melancholy persons who laugh but seldom , and never at a small matter , found his page's want of memory , and his aukward way of reciting verses so laughable a subject , that he was like to burst by endeavouring to preserve his gravity ; but at last he was fain to laugh as well as the rest ; and his men told us since , that they never knew him so well pleas'd in all their lives . now as he was a man of great authority in that country , there was not one person in the whole audience that did not laugh as much as he , or perhaps more , either out of complaisance , or a natural inclination . i am very much afraid , added cave , i have now done like those who tell people , i 'll tell you a story that will make you die with laughing . and who seldom or never are as good as their word : for i must confess i rais'd your expectation too high about the silliness of my page . not at all , answered star , i have found it such as you made me expect it ; 't is true the thing may have seem'd more ridiculous to those that saw it , than it will to those who shall hear it related , the aukwardness of the page contributing much to make it such ; and besides , the time , the place , and the natural inclination we have to laugh for company 's sake , are all advantages it cannot have now . cave made no further apology , and resuming her story where she had left off : after , continued she , that both the actors and the audience had laughed as much as their risible faculty would let them , the baron de sigognao order'd his page to come again on the stage , in order to mend his fault , or rather to make new sport for the company : but the page , ( the greatest looby that ever i saw ) refus'd to obey the positive commands of the severest master in in the world. the baron took his denial as he was prompted by his hasty temper , that is to say , very ill , and his resentment , which ought to have been small , had he been rul'd by reason , prov'd afterwards the fatal cause of the greatest misfortune that could befall us . our tragedy was honour'd with the applause of the whole audience ; and the farce was still better receiv'd than the tragedy , as it generally happens every where , except in paris . the baron de sigognac , and the rest of the gentlemen his neighbours , were so well pleased with it , that they desired to see us act again . all the gentlemen clubb'd to make a present to our company , every one according to his generosity ; the baron shew'd them the way , and the play was given out for the next holy day . we play'd a whole month before this perigordine gentry ; during which time , we were treated and caress'd both by men and women , and besides , our company was presented with some old cloaths half worn out . the baron entertain'd us at his own table ; his servants were extreme officious in waiting upon us , and told us often how much they were oblig'd to us for their masters good humour , whom they found quite alter'd since plays had civiliz'd his rough manners . the page alone look'd upon us as people who had blasted his reputation for ever ; and the line he had spoiled , and which every body in the house , to the very scullion , repeated to him ever and anon , was a cruel stab to him , of which he at last resolv'd to be reveng'd upon some body of our company . upon a certain day , when the baron de sigognac had assembled his neighbours and tenants , to rid his woods of a great number of wolves that harbour'd there , and by which the country was very much annoy'd ; my father and his fellow-strollers accompanyed him each with his gun , as did also his servants . the unlucky page went along with them , and having found the opportunity he lookt for , to put his ill design against us in execution , he no sooner espyed my father , and his comrades separated from the rest , and giving one another powder and shot to load their guns ; but he let his piecefly at them from behind a tree , and shot my unhappy father with two bullets : his comrades were so busie in supporting him , that they never thought at first to pursue the murderer , who made the best of his way , and since ran the country . two days after my father dyed of his wounds : my mother resented her loss to that degree , that it almost broke her heart ; she fell sick again , and i was as much afficted as 't was possible for a girl of my years . my mother's illness proving a lingring disease ; the men and the women that belong'd to our company , took their leaves of the baron de sigognac , and went to seek their fortune with some other strollers . my mother lay sick for above two months , but she recovered at last , having during that time receiv'd such tokens of generosity and kindness from the baron de sigognac , as were little to be expected from a man who had the reputation of being the greatest tyrant that ever made himself fear'd , in a country , where every squire pretends to huff and domineer , his servants who never found any humanity or civility in him before , wondred ro see him converse with us , in the most kind and obliging manner . one might have thought he was in love with my mother , tho' he seldom spoke to her , and never came into our room , ( where we us'd to take our meals , since my fathers death ) only he often sent to know how she did : however , the country did talk as if he was great with her , as we have since been inform'd . but my mother , considering she could not with decency stay any longer in the house of a man of his quality , had already design'd to leave it , and retire to her fathers at marseilles . she therefore acquainted the baron with it ; return'd him thanks for all his kind usage to us , and desired him to add a new favour to all those we had receiv'd from him , which was , to lend us saddle-horses for her self and me , till we came to a certain town , and a cart to carry our little baggage , which she design'd to sell to the first man that would give her any thing for it . the baron was much surpriz'd at my mothers design , nor was she in a less surprize than he , finding he would neither grant nor deny her request . the next day , the curate of one of the churches within his lordship , came to visit us in our chamber , accompanied by his neice , a good-natured and agreeable girl , with whom i was intimately acquainted . she and i went out to fetch a walk in the garden of the castle , and left her uncle alone with my mother : the curate had a long conversation with her , and did not leave her till supper-time . as i came back , i found her melancholy and full of thoughts ; and ask'd her three or four times what the matter was , but could get no answer from her , only she fell a weeping , and so i wept for company , not knowing why nor wherefore . at last , she bid me shut her chamber-door , and told me , ( weeping still more than before ) that the curate had inform'd her , that the baron de sigognac was desperately in love with her , and assur'd her besides , that he had so great a respect for her , that he never durst declare ( by himself or others ) his passion to her , without offering her marriage at the same time . here she stopt , being almost suffocated with sighs and sobs : i ask'd her once again , what ail'd her ? what! daughter , said she to me , have i not said enough to let you understand that i am the most wretched woman in the world ? i told her i did not think it so great a misfortune for a player to become a lady of quality . alas ! dear child , said she , you speak like a young girl that knows nothing of the world. what , ( added she ) if he should deceive the curate in order to deceive me ? if he does not design to marry me , as he would perswade me he does , have i not reason to fear all manner of violence , from a man so much a slave to his passions ? and if he really designs to marry me . and i consent to it , what woman in the world can be more miserable than my self , when his fancy is over ? how great is his hate like to prove , if ever he should repent his loving me ? no , no , my daughter , fortune is not so favourable to me , as thou imaginest : nay , rather she designs to aggravate my load of woe ; for having depriv'd me of a husband whom i lov'd , and by whom i was beloved , she ●ow would force one upon me , who perhaps will hate me , and oblige me to hate him too . her grief , which i thought unreasonable , encreas'd to that degree , that she was like to be stifled with it , whilst i helpt her to undress her self . i comforted her as well as i could , and endeavour'd to combate her affliction , with all the arguments a girl of my years was able to frame , not forgetting to tell her , that the obliging and respectful behaviour , which the roughest of all men had ever shewn in conversing with us , seem'd to be a good omen , and especially his want of assurance in discovering his passion to a woman , whose profession is rather apt to embolden a man in his addresses , than inspire him with awful respect . my mother suffer'd me to speak all i thought fit , went to bed very much afflicted , and cherish'd her grief all night long , instead of sleeping . i endeavoured for the sake of good manners , to resist sleep , but at last i was fain to yield , and so i slept for us both ; she got up early in the morning , and when i awak'd i found her ready drest , and her mind pretty well compos'd . i was in great pain to know what resolution she had taken , for to tell you truth , i flatter'd my self with my mothers future greatness , in case the baron was sincere and honourable in his addresses , and my mother willing to grant his sute . the thoughts of hearing my mother call'd my lady baroness , filled my mind with delight , and ambition began to inflame my youthful breast — cave was thus recounting her story , and star listning to her with great attention , when they heard something tread in their chamber , which startled them the more , because they remembred they had made the door fast with the bolt . the noise continued , and so they cry'd , who 's there . no answer was made , but a moment after , cave saw at the beds-feet , ( the curtains being open ) the figure of a person whom she heard sigh , and who leaning on the bed , rested on her feet . she sate up , to view nearer the thing that began to fright her , and fully resolved to speak to it , she reach'd her head out of the bed , when the thing disappear'd . the being in company with any body gives often an assurance , but sometimes our fears are never the less for being shar'd with another . cave was frighted because she had seen nothing , and star , because she saw her companion frighted . they both thrust themselves into the bed , cover'd their heads with the bed-cloathes , and lay close together , not daring almost speak to one another for fear , at last cave said to star , that her poor daughter must be dead , and that 't was her ghost that came to sigh by her , star was perhaps going to reply , vvhen they heard the thing vvalk again in the room . star thrusts her self deeper into the bed than she had done before ; but cave embolden'd by the thought that it vvas her daughters ghost , she sat up again in the bed , and seeing the same thing appear , sighing as before , and leaning on her feet , reach'd her hand and felt a very rough one , which made her give a hideous shriek , and struck her down with the fright . at the same time they heard a barking in the room , as when a dog is afraid of any thing that he meets in the night . cave had once more courage enough to look what it was , and then she saw a great grey-hound that barked at her . she threatned him with a loud voice , at which time he retired barking towards one corner of the room , where he vanished out of fight . the couragious player rose out of her bed , and by the moon-shine which came through the windows , she discovered in that corner of the room , where the phantom and the grey-hound had disappear'd , a little door which open'd into a little pair of back-stairs . by that she easily imagin'd that a grey-hound belonging to the house was crept through that door into their room ; and that having a mind to lay himself on their bed , but not daring to do it without the consent of those who were in it , he had sighed like a dog , and the bed being high , as are all old beds , he had lean'd his fore-legs on her feet , and afterwards crept under the bed , when cave first reached her head cut of it : however the belief of a ghost being in the room , had so possest star's frighted soul , that 't was a long time before she could persuade her that 't was but a grey-hound . as afflicted as cave was , she jeer'd her companion about her cowardise , and reserved the continuation of her story to another time , when they should not want sleep so much as they did then . 't was now break of day , they fell asleep , and got up about ten o' th' clock , when word was brought them , that the coach which was to carry them to mans was ready to set out assoon as they pleas'd . chap. iv. destiny meets with leander . destiny , in the mean time , went from town to town , still enquiring after those he pursued , but could learn no news , nor tidings from ' em . thus he rambled up and down till two or three a clock in the afternoon , when hunger and his horses weariness oblig'd him to return to a great village which he left a little while before . here he found a pretty good inn , because it stood upon the road , and did not forget to ask them whether they had heard of a company of horsemen who stole away a young woman . there 's above a gentleman who can give you an account of 'em , said the surgeon of that village , who happen'd to be there ; for , added he , i believe he has been a quarrelling with 'em , and has got many a wound for his pains . i just now applied to him an anodyne and resolutive cataplasm on a livid tumour he has on the vertebrae of the neck , and drest a great cut he received in the occiput . i would have let him blood , because he is full of contusions , but he would not let me , tho' he has great occasion for it . he must needs have got a heavy fall , or else have been beaten unmercifully . this country surgeon took such delight in mustering the learned terms of his art , that though destiny was gone from him , and no body left to give him the hearing , he still went on with his discourse till he was fetch'd away to let a woman blood. who was dyi●g of an apoplexy . in the mean time destiny vvent up to the chamber of the person of vvhom the surgeon had spoke to him , vvhere he found a young man vvell clad , vvith his head bound and lying upon a bed to take his rest. he vvas meditating a complement to excuse his intruding into his chamber , before he knevv vvhether he vvas vvilling to admit of his visit ; but he vvas not a little surpriz'd vvhen at the first words he spoke , the other rose from his bed , ran to embrace him , discovering himself to be his servant leander , vvho vvas gone from him vvithout taking his leave , four or five days before , and vvhom cave suspected to be the ravisher of her daughter . destiny vvas at a stand , not knovving in vvhat sort of tone he should speak to him , by reason he savv him look like a gentleman , both in his person and dress . whilst he vvas vievving of him , leander had time to compose himself , for he seem'd something disorder'd at first : i am asham'd , ( said he to destiny ) i dealt not so frankly and sincerely with you , as i should have done with one whom i value so much as i do you ; but you must excuse an unexperienc'd young man , who before he was well acquainted with you , thought you to be of the same make , as are generally those of your profession , and who upon that score durst not trust you with a secret , on which depends the happiness of his life . destiny told him , he could not imagine in what particular he had distrusted him , unless 〈◊〉 would let him know it . i have a great many things bendes to tell you , if so be you are not acquainted with 'em already , answer'd leander , but first of all let me know what brought you hither ? destiny told him how angelica was stollen avvay ; that he pursued her ravishers , and was inform'd as he came into the inn , that he had met with one , that could give him an account of them . 't is true i met with 'em , ( reply'd leander with a sigh ) and that i did as much against 'em , as a single man can do against many ; but my sword happening to break in the body of the first man i wounded , i could neither rescue mistriss angelica nor die in her defence , tho' i was fully resolv'd to do either . they left me in the condition you see me in , and thinking they had killed me with a back-stroke i receiv'd on the head , ( but which did only stun me for a while ) they went on their way in great haste . this is all i know about mistriss angelica , but we shall hear more from a servant who is to meet me here , and whom i sent to follow 'em at a distance after he help'd me to mount my horse , which they left me , because i suppose they did not think him worth stealing . destiny ask'd him why he went from him without giving him warning ? from whence he came ? and who he was ? not doubting but he conceal'd his name and condition from him . leander confest there was some such thing , and having laid himself down , because the blows he receiv'd gave him a cruel pain , destiny sat on the beds feet , and then leander recounted what you shall read in the following chapter . chap. v. the history of leander . i am a gentleman , of a family pretty well known in the province ; and hope to be worth , one day , at least four thousand crowns a year , provided my father be pleas'd to die ; for tho' 't is now fourscore years since 〈◊〉 plagues all those who have any dependance upon him , yet he is so well in health , that i have more reason to fear he will never die , than to hope to inherit three fine lordships , which make up all his estate . he designs to make me a counsellor in the parliament of brittany , tho' against my inclination , and 't is for that purpose he sent me to school betimes . i was at the college of la fleche , when your company came there to act : there i saw mistriss angelica , and fell in love with her to that degree , that i could mind nothing else . nay , i went farther , for i had the assurance to acquaint her with my passion , at which she was not offended ; i writ to her , she receiv'd my letter , and did not look more coldly than before upon me , the next time i saw her . afterwards mistriss cave being fallen sick and oblig'd to keep her chamber whilst you were at la fleche , her daughter and i had frequent opportunities of discoursing together , which she would have prevented had she not been ill ; for you know how severe and reserv'd she is for a woman of a profession , which seems to dispense with those that follow it , for not being over nice or scrupulous . from the first moment i fe●● in love i never went to school more , nor mist a play● the iesuits endeavoured to bring me back to my dur●● but having chosen the most charming mistress in the worl●● i refused to obey those troublesome masters . your serva●● was kill'd at the play-house door , by the scholars of bri●tany , who made that year a great disturbance at la flec●● because they were very numerous , and that wine happen to be cheap ; which was in some measure , the reason 〈◊〉 you went from la fleche to angiers . i did not speak angelica to bid her farewel , because her mother never 〈◊〉 sight of her ; all i could do , was to appear before her as 〈◊〉 went away , with despair in my face , and tears in my ey●● a pitying melancholy look which she cast on me , was 〈◊〉 to break my heart . i lockt my self in my room ; we bitterly the remaining part of the day , and all the night : and the very next morning changing cloaths with my man , ( who is about my size ) i left him at la fleche to sell my school-boys equipage , and gave him a letter for a tenant of my fathers , who supplies me with money whenever i ask him for it , with orders to come to me at angiers . i began my journey thither after you , and overtook you at duretail , where several gentlemen who hunted the stag , oblig'd you to stay seven or eight days . there i offer'd my service to you , and you entertain'd me as your man , either because you was loth to be without one , or because my face and mien , which you seem'd to like , engaged you to hire me . my hair which i cut very short , hindred me from being known again by those who had often seen me with angelica : besides , my man 's bad coat , which i put on to disguise my self , made me look quite another man , from what i look'd in my own cloaths , which were finer than a school-boy's generally are . however mistriss angelica knew me at first sight , and own'd to me since , that she did not doubt , but the passion i had for her was very violent , since i abandon'd all to follow her . she had the generosity to disswade me from it : and to recall my wandring reason . she made me feel those rigours , which would have cool'd a man less amorous than my self , but by my constant love , i insensibly engaged her , to love me as much as i did her . as you have the soul of a man of quality , ( of such a man of quality i mean , as is truly noble ) 't was not long before you found out that i had not the inclinations of a servant ; i soon gain'd your favour , and the esteem of all the gentlemen of your company ; nay rancour himself did not hate me , tho' he has the reputation amongst you , to love no body . i shall not waste much time in relating to you all the fine things , which two persons equally in love may say to one another , as often as they happen to be together , you know it well enough by your own experience . i will only tell you , that mistriss cave suspecting our private correspondence , or , rather having certain proofs of it , charg'd her daughter never to speak to me ; that her daughter did not obey her ; and that having surpriz'd her writing to me , she us'd her so roughly , both before people and in private , that since that time , i found no great difficulty in perswading her to consent to be stollen away . i fear not to make this plain confession to you , knowing you to be as generous as any man , and at least as amorous as my self . destiny blush'd at these last words of leander , who went on with his discourse , and told destiny , that he left the company , in order to put his design in execution ; that one of his fathers tenants promis'd him to furnish him with a sum of money , and that he hop'd to receive some at st. maloes , from a merchants son , his intimate friend , who was lately come to his estate , by the death of his parents . he added , that by the assistance of this friend , he hop'd to go easily over into england , and from thence to make his peace with his father , without exposing to his anger , either mistriss angelica or her mother , whom in all probability he would prosecute , with all the advantage that a man of wealth and quality may take over two poor players . destiny● made leander sensible , that by reason of his youth and quality , his father would certainly have indicted mrs. cave for a rape . he did not endeavour to make him forget his mistriss ; for he was sensible , that persons in love , are not capable to follow any counsels but what are suggested by their passion , and are more to be pittied than to be blamed ; but he highly disapproved his design of going over into england ; and represented to him what people might think of two young strangers in a foreign country ; the hazards and fatigue of a sea-voyage ; the difficulty of being supplied with money , in case he should want , and lastly , the attempts to which they would be exposed by mistriss angelica's beauty , and the youth of both . leander did not endeavour to defend a bad cause : he ask'd once more destiny's pardon , for having conceal'd himself so long from him ; and destiny promis'd him to use all the interest he had with mistriss cave , to incline her to be favourable to him . moreover he told him , that if he was fully resolv'd never to marry any woman but mistriss angelica , he ought not to leave their company , adding , that in the mean time his father might die , or his passion abate , or perhaps , be quite extinguish'd — oh! never , never , cry'd leander . well then , ( said destiny ) to secure your mistrisses heart , your best way is never to lose sight of her . be a player with us , for you are not the only man that treads the stage , when he could follow a better employment . write to your father ; make him believe you are in the army , and try to get money from him ; in the mean time i will converse with you as if you were my own brother , and by that means endeavour to make you forget the indifferent usage you receiv'd from me , whilst i was unacquainted with your quality and merit . leander would have thrown himself at his feet , if the violent pain he felt all over his body from his bruises , would have let him : however , he return'd him thanks in so obliging a manner , and made him such hearty protestations of friendship , that from that moment he had as great an esteem for him as one gentleman can have for another . they discours'd afterwards , which way they should go in search of angelica ; but a great noise interrupted their conversation , and caus'd destiny to go down into the kitchen , where was transacting what you shall hear in the next chapter . chap. vi. a bloody fight at cuffs : the death of the inn-keeper , and other memorable occurrences . two men , one of which was in black like a country school-master , and the other in gray , who look'd like a catch-pole , laid hold of one another by the hair and the beard , and now and then box'd one another in a most cruel manner . both were indeed what their habits and their looks shew'd 'em to be : he in black , the school-master of the town , brother to the curate ; and the other in gray , a bailiff of the same town , and brother to the inn-keeper . this inn-keeper was then in a chamber next to the kitchen , ready to give up the ghost ; being sick of a violent feaver , which so disorder'd his senses , that he broke his head against the wall ; and this wound join'd to his distemper , brought him so low , that when his frenzy left him , he was fain to part with life , which perhaps he regretted less than his ill-gotten money . he had been a long time a soldier , and was at last come home , loaden with years , and so light of honesty , that he might be said to have less of it than money , altho' he was extraordinary poor . but because women are very often catch'd by those very things they ought least to be catch'd by ; his twisted hair , longer than any peasants in town , his cursing and swearing like a true son of mars , a bristling feather which he wore on his hat upon holy-days , when the weather was fair , and a rusty , long sword that flap'd against the old boots he had on , altho' he never bestrid a horse , all these i say , gain'd him the heart of an old woman that kept an inn. she had been courted by the richest tenants in the country , not so much on account of her beauty , as because she got an estate with her first husband , by exacting upon people , and cheating in the measure , both of wine and oats ; yet she couragiously resisted all the assaults of her woers , but at last , an old-beaten soldier triumph'd over an old hostess . this tayern-nymph had the least face , and the biggest belly of any woman in mayne , th● which province abound● in big-bellyed people . i leave it to the naturalists to find out the reason of it , as well as of the fat of the capons of that country . to return to this short big-woman , whom i fancy to see as often as● i think on her , she married her warriour , without acquainting her relations with it , and having liv'd to a crazy old age , and undergone great hardships with him , she had the satisfaction to see him die of a broken scull , which she look'd as a just judgment upon him , for his repeated attemps of breaking hers . when destiny came into the kitchen , mine hostess and her maid , helpt the old curate of the town to part the combatants , who grappled one another like two ships in a sea-fight ; but the threats of destiny , and his magisterial way of speaking brought about what the curate's exhortations could not perform , and the two mortal enemies let go their hold , spitting half of their bloody teeth out of their mouths , bleeding at their noses , and their hands full of hair both from their head and beard . the curate being an honest , well-bred man , return'd destiny thanks very civilly ; destiny to do him farther pleasure , caus'd those tvvo persons to embrace in a very friendly manner , who a moment before endeavour'd to strangle one another . during the reconcilement , the inn-keeper ended his obscure life , without giving notice of it to his friends ; insomuch , that when they entred his room , after the conclusion of the peace , they found there was no more to be done than to bury him . the curate pray'd over the dead body , and did it very well , for he was short . his vicar came to relieve him , and in the mean time , the widow bethought her self to roar and cry , which she did with a great deal of ostentation and vanity . the brother of the deceased dissembled being sorrowful , or was so indeed ; and the men and women-servants perform'd the●● parts as well as he . the curate follow'd destiny into h●● chamber , offering to serve him to the utmost of his power as well as leander ; and in requital , they invited him 〈◊〉 eat a bit with em . destiny who had eaten nothing yet a that day , and had used a great deal of exercise , fell to with a greedy appetite ; leander fed more upon amorous thoughts than upon victuals ; and the curate talked more than he did eat . he told them a hundred pleasant stories , about the avarice of the deceased ; and acquainted 'em with the comical quarrels which this reigning passion had often caus'd him to have , both with his wife and his neighbours . among the rest , he related to them , how he took once a journey to laval with his wife : now as they came back , the horse that carried them both , having lost two of his shoes , he left his wife holding the horse by the bridle , at the foot of a tree , and went back as far as laval , to look for his horse's shoes : but he got nothing but his labour for his pains , whilst his wife lost almost all patience with waiting for him ; ( for they were come two leagues from laval ) and began to be in great pain about him , when she espyed him coming bare-foot , with his boots and hose in his hands . she was not a little surpriz'd at this novelty , but she durst not ask him the reason of it , for by obeying his officers in the wars , he had made himself capable to domineer at home . neither did she dare to contradict him , when she was commanded to pull of her stockins ; or so much as ask him why she did it , only she thought 't was out of devotion . he caus'd his wife to lead his horse by the bridle , whilst he walk'd behind to drive him : thus the man and the wife , without shoes or stockins , and the unshod horse , after a tedious and troublesome march , came home at last , late in the night , all three very much tired ; both the inn-keeper and his wife , with their feet so gall'd and so sore , that they could not walk for almost a fortnight after . he never was more pleas'd with any thing he had done before , and when ever he thought on 't , he told his wife laughing , that if they had not come bare-foot from laval , they had been at a great expence for shoes , both for themselves and their horse . destiny and leander did not much take notice of the story , tho' the curate told it as a good one , either because they did not find it so pleasant as he said it was , or because they were not then in humour to laugh . the curate who was a great talker , was not contented with this , but had still a mind to proceed to another , and told destiny that what they heard was nothing in comparison of what he had to tell 'em , about the inn-keepers preparing himself for death . 't is now four or five days , continued he , since he knew he was past recovery ; and yet he never was more sparing : he grudged himself all the new-laid eggs he cat during his illness ; had a mind to know to a farthing the charge of his burial , and even would have bated something of my fees , the day i heard his confession ; in short , to end as he began , two hours before he died , he order'd his wife , in my hearing , to bury him in an old sheet which he knew was somewhere about the house , and which had above a hundred holes in it . his wife represented to him how undecent it would be for him to be buried in it ; but he grew obstinate , and would have no other . his wife could not find in her heart to consent to it , and because she saw him unable to beat her , she maintain'd her opinion with more assurance than she ever did , without breaking in upon the duty which an honest wife owes her husband , whether he be cross or no. at last she askt how he could pretend to appear in the valley of iosaphat , and in what pickle he would rise from the dead ? the sick man fell into a passion , and swearing as he used to do when he was in health , zounds , cry'd he , i never intend to rise again . i had as much ado to forbear laughing , as to make him understand that he had offended god by thus falling into a passion , and much more by what he had said to his wife , which was a piece of propha●●● 〈◊〉 and impiety . he made an act of contrition for it , tho' something against the grain , and not without a promise on our side , that he should be buried in no other sheet but what he had pitch'd upon . my brother who burst out a laughing when he heard him so loudly and plainly renounce his resurrection , could not forbear laughing at it still , as often as he thought on it again ; this the brother of the deceas'd took exception at , and from words advancing to blows , my brother and he , both equally sturdy and passionate , had laid hold of one another , and perhaps would be still cuffing and fighting , if you had not parted them . thus the curate made an end of his relation ; having all the while addressed himself to destiny , because leander did not give him much attention . he took his leave of the strollers with repeated offers of service ; and destiny endeavoured to adminster some drops of comfort to the afflicted leander , and bid him hope the best . as bruised as the poor youth was , he now and then lookt out at the window to see if his man came , as if his looking would make him come the sooner . but when people wait with impatience for any body , the wisest men are foolish enough to look towards the place from whence they expect him ; which reflection shall be the close of my sixth chapter . chap. vii . ragotin's panick fear , attended with disasters ; the adventure of the dead body ; a shower of cuffs , and other surprizing accidents worthy to have a place in this true story . leander , as i said before , was looking out at the window towards the place from whence his man was to come , when turning his head to the other side , he saw little ragotin just arriving , booted up to his waste , mounted on a little mule , and accompanied by rancour and olive , holding his stirrup-leathers , one on one side , and the other on t'other , like two great foot-men that walk by the side of a new sheriffs horse on a lord mayor's day . they heard from town to town which way destiny went , and with often enquiring after him , found him out at last . destiny went down stairs to meet 'em , and carried them up into his chamber . they did not know at first young leander , his looks being changed with his cloaths ; yet least they should find out who he was , destiny ordered him to go down and fee that supper was got ready , with the same authority with which he used to speak to him ; and because the strollers , who by that began to know him again , wondred at his being so fine , destiny answered for him , and told them that an uncle he had in the lower mayne , equip'd him from head to foot just as they saw him , and besides , had given him money to make him leave the stage , which he refused to do , and so came away from him without taking his leave . destiny and the rest asked one another news about what they all lookt for , but were not the wiser for it . ragotin assured destiny that he left the women in good health , though much afflicted for mistriss angelica's rape . at last , night being come , they went to supper , the new comers drunk hard , and the rest like sober men. ragotin began to be merry , challenged every body to drink , like a tavern-huff as he was ; broke many a silly jest , and fell a singing in spite of the company : but no body caring to be his second , and the hostess's brother-in-law having learnedly represented , that it did not look well for them to make a debauch so near a dead corps , ragotin made less noise , but drunk a great deal more wine . afterwards they went to bed , destiny and leander in the room they had already taken , and ragotin , rancour , and olive in a little room next to the kitchen , and by the chamber where lay the corps of the deceased . the hostess took up her quarters in an upper room , near that of destiny and leander , both to avoid the gastly sight of a dead husband , and to receive the consolatory visits of her friends , who came to her in great numbers ; for she was one of the topping women of the village , and was as much belov'd by every body as her husband was hated . all things were in a profound silence in the inn ; the dogs were asleep , since they did not bark ; all the other animals slept also , or ought to do it , and this tranquillity lasted till between two and three a clock in the morning , when on a sudden ragotin cry'd out as loud as he could bawl , that rancour was dead . now all at once , he waked olive , rouz'd destiny and leander , and got them to come down into the kitchen in order to weep , or at least to see rancour , who , he said , died suddenly by his side . destiny and leander followed him , and the first thing they saw as they entred the room , was rancour walking up and down like a man in good health , which is no such easy matter after sudden death . ragotin who went in first of all , no sooner espy'd him , but he flew back as if he had been going to tread on a serpent , or step off a precipice : he gave a great shriek ; turned pale as death , and knock'd so fierely destiny and leander , as he flew out of the room , that he was like to throw 'em on the ground . whilst his fear made him run as far as the garden that belonged to the inn , where he was like to catch cold , destiny and leander ask'd rancour the particulars of his death . rancour answer'd he could not give so good an account of it as ragotion , adding , that he was a little crackt brain'd . in the mean time olive was splitting his sides with laughing , rancour stood speechless and unconcern'd , as he used to do upon such occasions , and neither of them would discover what they knew of the matter . leander made after ragotin , and found him lurking behind a tree , trembling with fear more than with cold , tho' he was naked in his shirt . his fancy was so full of dead rancour , that he presently took leander for his ghost : and was going to run away as he advanced towards him : thereupon arriv'd destiny , whom he took for another ghost , both ask'd him several questions , but could get no answer from him ; at last they took him under the arms , in order to carry him back to his chamber ; but as they were stepping out of the garden , and rancour advancing to come into it . ragotin disengag'd himself from those that held him , and looking behind him with wild staring eyes , thrust himself into a thicket of rose-bushes , where he intangled himself from head to foot , and was not able to get out time enough to avoid the encounter of rancour , who called him a mad-man a thousand times , and told him he must be shut up . they all three pulled him out of the rose-bushes ; rancour gave him a sound flap on the breech , to let him feel he was not dead , and at last our frighted little man was carried back into his room , and put to bed again . but he scarce was got into it , when a great noise of female voices , which they heard in the next room , put them at a stand to know what the matter was ; these were not the complaints of an afflicted woman alone , but the hideous cries of several women together , as when they are in a fright . destiny went into the room , where he found four or five women with the hostess , who look'd under the beds , and in the chimny , and were terribly frighted . he asked them what the matter was ? and the hostess half howling , half speaking , told him : they did not know what was become of her poor husbands corps . she had scarce uttered these words but she began to howl , all the other women , as if it was a howling consort , answered her in a chorus , and all together made so great and so lamentable a noise , that every body in the inn came into that room , and all the neighbours and goers by into the inn. in the mean time an arch pilferer of a cat , seiz'd upon a pigeon , which an unwary maid had left half larded on the kitchen-dresser , and retiring with her prey into ragotin's chamber , hid her self under the bed where he lay with rancour . the maid followed puss with a faggot-stick in her hand , and looking under the bed to know what was become of her pigeon , she cried out as loud as she could , that she had fourd her master , which she repeated so often , that the hostess and the rest of the women came to her . the maid fell about her mistresses neck , and told her she had found her master with such a transport of joy , that the poor widow was afraid her husband was come to life again , for they took notice that she turned as pale as a malefactor that receives sentence . at last the maid bad 'em look under the bed , where they espy'd the corps they were so much in pain about . altho' it was very heavy , the greatest difficulty was not to get it from thence , as to know who had put it there ; however they carried it into its chamber where they began to dress it for burial . the players withdrew up stairs to destiny's room , who all this while did not know what to make of all those strange accidents . as for leander his head ran upon nothing but his dear angelica , which made him as sullen and pensive , as ragotin was sorry that rancour was not dead ; by whose raillery he was so mortified , that he had not a word to say , contrary to his custom of speaking continually , and intruding into all conversations right or wrong . rancour and olive were so little surprised , both at ragotin's panick terror , and the transmigration of a dead corps from one room to another without any humane assistance , at least that any body knew of that destiny began to suspect they had no small share in the prodigy . in the mean time they were debating the case in the kitchen , in order to know the truth of the matter . one of the plough servants , who came from the field to eat his dinner , hearing one of the maids relate in a great fright , that her masters corps was got up of its self and walked , told her that as he went through the kitchen at break of day , he saw two men in their shirts , who carried it on their shoulders into the room where 't was found . the brother of the deceased heard what the fellow said , and highly resented so foul an action ; the widow and her friends were presently made acquainted with it ; all were very much offended at it . and with one voice concluded that those men must certainly be sorcerers , and that they designed to do some wicked thing or other with the corps . whilst they were passing this untoward judgment upon rancour , he came into the kitchen , to bid 'em carry up something to breakfast into their chamber . the brother of the deceased ask'd him , why he carried his brothers body into his room ? but rancour was so far from returning him an answer , that he did not so much as exchange a look with him . the widow put the same qestion to him ; he shewed her the same indifference , which the good dame did not him ; for she flew in his face as furious as a lioness bereft of her whelps , ( i fear the simile is a little too magnificent● ) her brother-in-law gave a sound cuff to rancour ; the hostess's friends did not spare him ; the maids put in for their share , as did also the men. but a single man could not afford room for the blows of so many strikers , vvho rather hindred one another ; rancour alone against so many , and by consequence so many against him , vvas not daunted by the number of his enemies , and making virtue of a necessity , he began to use all the strength and activity that god almighty put into his hands , leaving the rest to fortune . never vvas an unequal fight so obstinately maintain'd ; for rancour preserving his judgment amidst the greatest dangers , made use of his policy as vvell as his strength , dealt his blovvs vvith prudence , and improv'd 'em to the best advantage . he gave many a box , vvhich not falling full upon the first cheek it met in its way , but sliding as it were , reach'd a second , and sometimes a third cheek , because he generally whirl'd about when he was going to strike , so that with one single blow he often extracted three different sounds , out of three different chops . at the noise of the combatants , olive came down into the kitchen , and had sacre time to discern his comrade amongst all those that belaboured him , before he felt himself more fiercely attackt even than rancour , whose valour and vigorous resistance began to strike his foes with terror ; therefore two or three of those whom rancour abused most , fell foul upon olive only perhaps to get their revenge . the noise increased , and at the same time the hostels received such a great cuff on her little pigs-eyes that she saw a hundred thousand lights ( this is a certain number for an uncertain one ) and was intirely disabled . she howl'd and roar'd more fiercely , and perhaps more heartily than she did about her husbands death . her howling brought all the neighbours to her house , and destiny and leander into the kitchen ; tho' these came with a spirit of peace , yet they presently made war upon 'em , without saying why nor wherefore ; they did not want cuffs and boxes , neither were they so uncivil as to suffer those to want them , who were so bountiful to them . the hostess , her friends , and her maids , cry'd out thieves , and were now bare spectators of the fight , some with eyes black and blue , others with bloody noses , others again with broken chops , and all of 'em vvith their head-cloths torn in pieces . the neighbours espous'd the quarrel of the hostess , against those she called thieves ; and 'tvvould require a better pen than mine can pretend to be , to discribe the noble cuffs that vvere given and received on both sides . ar last animosity and fury had so possest their breasts , that they began to seize on the spits , and all moveables that one may fling at anothers head , when the curate came into the kitchen , and endeavoured to make the battle cease . to speak the truth , altho' they all had a great respect for his character , he had much ado to part the combatants , if their weariness had not inclin'd them to his advice . thus all acts of hostility ceased on both sides , but the noise continued as before ; for every one pretended to be heard first , the women especially before the men with their false treble voices , the poor good man was fain to stop his ears and run to the door . this silenc'd the most obstreperous : whereupon he faced about , enter'd the field of battel , and commanded the inn-keepr's brother to speak : he first of all complain'd of the dead corps being carried from one room to another , and had exaggerated the enormity of the fact , had he had less blood to spit out of his mouth , besides the bleeding at his nose , which he could not stop . rancour and olive pleaded guilty to the indictment , protesting withal , that they had not done it with any ill intent , but only to fright one of their comrades , as they really did . the curate blamed'em very much for it , and shew'd 'em the ill consequence of such an action , which was carrying a jest too far . however being a man of parts , and of great interest among his parishioners , he found no difficulty in adjusting the quarrel , and so all parted upon even terms . but wild discord with her hissing snakes instead of hair , had not yet compleated all the mischief she design'd to do in that house , for now there was heard in the upper room . such roaring , as little differs from that of a hog when he is going to be killed , and yet he that roared at this rate , was no other than ragotin , the curate , the strollers , and several others ran to him , and found him sunk up to the neck into a great wooden-chest , where the hostess kept her linnen ; and what was yet more grievous to the poor entrapp'd ragotin , the lid of the trunk which was thick and heavy , was fallen upon his legs , and squeez'd 'em so , that it griev'd ones heart to see it . a lusty chamber-maid , who stood near the trunk when they entred the room , and look'd very much concern'd , was suspected of having put ragotin in so ill a place . this was the truth of the business ; and she was so proud of what she had done , that whilst she was making one of the beds , she did not vouchsafe to mind how they could get ragotin out of the trunk , nor so much as answer those who ask'd her the occasion of the noise they heard . in the mean time the little man was got out of his trap , and had no sooner the use of his feet but he ran to his sword. they hindred him from laying hold of it , but could not keep him from closing with the tall maid , whom he could not hinder from giving him such a fierce blow on the pate , that all the vast seat of his narrow reason was shaken with it . this made him start three steps backward , but it had been but a spring towards a leap , had not olive held him by the breeches , as he was going to shoot like a serpent against his dreadful adversary . the effort he made , ( tho' to no purpose ) was so violent , that the waste-band of his breeches was broken , as was likewise the silence of the company , who all fell a laughing . the curate forgot his gravity , and the inn-keepers brother his affliction . ragotin alone was not dispos'd to laugh , and turned his anger against olive , who being offended at it , truss'd him up , and carried him , ( brandishing his legs ) on the bed which the maid was making , where with the strength of a hercules , he pull'd down his breeches , ( whose waste-band was already broken ) and then lifting up his hands , and letting them fall quick and amain on his thighs , and places adjacent , in the twinkling of an eye , made them look as red as scarlet . bold ragotin flung himself with great courage from the bed on the ground , but this venturous action was not attended with the success it deserv'd . his foot got into a chamber-pot , which to his great misfortune was left ●n the bed-side , and went in so deep , that not being able to get it out by the help of the other foot , he durst not step from the bed-side where he was , for fear of making yet more sport for the company , and bringing their raillery upon him , which he bore more impatiently than any man. every body wonder'd to see him so quiet , after , so great an emotion . rancour suspected there was something more than ordinary ; and having caus'd him to come out from the bed-side , half willing , half not , all the company perceiv'd where the shoe wrung him , and no body could forbear laughing at the pewter-foot our dwarf had made to himself . we shall leave him treading the metal with pride and contempt , that we may go and welcome a new company which came at the same time into the inn. chap. viii . what became of ragotin's foot. had ragotin by his own strength , and without the help of his friends , been able to unpot his foot , i mean , to get out of that scurvy pot , it had so unluckily got into , his anger would have lasted , at least all the remainder of the day : but he was fain to abate somewhat of his natural pride , and be submissive ; humbly beseeching destiny and ranrcur to procure the liberty of his foot , right or left , for it never came to my knowledge which of the two it was . he did not address himself to olive , because of what past betwixt 'em : but nevertheless , olive came to his aid , without entreaty , and both his comrades and he , us'd their endeavours to relieve him . the repeated efforts the little man made to get his foot out of the pot , had caus'd it to swell , and those which destiny and olive us'd swell'd it yet a great deal more . rancour put his hand to it first of all , but so aukwardly , or rather maliciously , that ragotin thought he had a mind to make him lame for ever . he desir'd him very earnestly to let it alone , as also his comrades , and laid himself down upon a bed , till the smith they had sent for , came to file the pot off his foot. the remaining part of the day past pretty quietly in the inn , tho' somewhat melancholily letwixt destiny and leander , the one being very much in pain about his man , who did not come to bring him news of his mistriss , according to promise ; and the other not finding it in his heart to be merry without his dear mistriss star ; and besides , he was concern'd at the rape of angelica , and pityed poor leander , in whose face he saw all the marks of deep affliction . rancour and olive soon made a match with some of the inhabitants of the village , who were at bowls ; and ragotin , the operation on his foot being over , compos'd himself to rest , whether he was really sleepy , or because he was asham'd to appear in publick , after his unlucky adventures , the corps of the inn-keeper was carried to his long home , and mine hostess , notwithstanding the pious thoughts which her husband's death ought to have suggested to her , exacted upon two english men , who went from brittany to paris , with as much barbarity , as if she had been a dutch-inn-keeper . the sun was just now set , when destiny and leander , who could not stir from their window , espyed a coach with four horses , attended by three men on horseback , and four foot-men . soon after , a maid came to desire 'em to resign their chamber to the new company , and so ragotin was oblig'd to shew himself , altho' he had a mind to keep his chamber , and follow'd destiny and leander into that , where the day before he fancied he had seen rancour die . destiny was known in the kitchen by one of the gentlemen of the coach , who was the same counsellor of the parliament of rennes , with whom he got acquainted at the wedding , so fatal to poor cave . this briton senator , enquir'd of destiny about angelica , and exprest a concern that she was not found . his name was la garouffiere , which makes me believe he was rather angevin than briton , for we see as few briton names begin with gar , as we see many angevin ones ending in lere ; norman , in ville ; picard , in cour ; and of the people living near the river garonne , in ac . to return to monsieur la garouffiere , he 〈…〉 of wit , as i said before , and did not think himself 〈◊〉 a country-wit neither , because when his attendance was not required at rennes , he generally came to paris to spend a sum of money in the publick houses , and put on black clothes when the court went into mourning . which being duely verified and recorded , ought to be as good as a patent if not of nobility , at least of gentility ; besides , he was a wit by the same reason that most people pretend to have their share in ingenious diversions , as well those that have skill in 'em , as the proud , brutish and ignorant coxcombs , who pass their rash censure upon verse and prose , tho' at the same time they think it a dishonour to write well , and would upon occasion reproach a man for making books , as for counterfeiting the king's coin. however , strollers are the better for these pretenders , and are the more caressed in all the towns in which they act : for being the parrots of the poets , and some among 'em who have wit , writing sometimes plays , either out of their own stock , or what they borrow from several others , people are in a manner ambitious of knowing them or being in their company . in our days the world has done justice to their profession , and has a greater esteem for 'em than formerly : and to speak the truth , plays in themselves are a most innocent diversion , and may be as instructive as entertaming . they are now a-days , at least at paris , purged from their former licentiousness ; and 't were to be wished that the play-houses were as well cleared from pick-pockers , pages , foot-men , whores , orange-wenches , and such other vermine , who haunt those places rather to steal a purse , or pick up a cull , than to hear the silly jests of farces : but now farces are in a manner exploded , and i am sure there are many private assemblies where they laugh heartily at low and smut●y equivocations , at which the front boxes would be offended at the * hostel de bourgogne : but here let 's make an end of be digression . monsieur la garouffiere was over joy'd to find destiny in the inn , and made him promise to sup with the company of the coach , which consisted in the bridegroom of mans and his bride , whom he carried to her own country of laval , the bridegroom's mother , a gentleman of that province ; ● advocate of the council , and monsieur de la garouffiere ; ● related to one another , and whom destiny saw at the weding where angelica was stolen away . add to all those i amed before , a chamber-maid or waiting-woman , and you find that the coach was pretty well cramm'd ; not 〈…〉 that madam bouvillon ( for so was the bridegroom's 〈◊〉 call'd ) was one of the biggest women in france , tho' per●●●● the shortest , and i am credibly inform'd , that one year w●●●● another , she wore * thirty stone of flesh , besides all other he●●● and solid matters which enter the composition of a huma● body . by this description you will easily believe that 〈◊〉 was very juicy , as all short women are . supper was served up : destiny appear'd at table with that good mien which was inseparable from him , and which at that time was not in the least altered by dirty linnen , leander having furnish'd him with a clean shirt and cravat . he spoke but little , according to his custom ; yet had he spoke as much as the re●● who all talk'd very much , he would not perhaps have said so many impertinent things as they. la garouffiere help'd him to a bit of every thing that was good on the table ; madam bouvillon did as much , in emulation of la garouffiere and with so little consideration , that in one moment all th● dishes were empty , and destiny's plate so full of wings an● legs of fowls , that i have often wondr'd since , how the could raise by chance such a high piramid of meat en● narrow a basis as the bottom of a plate . la garouffiere 〈◊〉 not mind what he did , so very busie he was about talking 〈◊〉 poetry to destiny , to bespeak his good opinion of his o●● , w●t madam bouvillon , who had also a project in her head , 〈◊〉 tinued her good offices to the player , and finding no 〈◊〉 pullets to carve , was reduc'd to help him to some 〈◊〉 slices of a leg of mutton . he was at a loss what to 〈◊〉 with 'em , and lookt for a place where to put two sli● he had in both his hands , when the country gentleman , 〈◊〉 was unwilling to hold his tongue to the prejudice of 〈◊〉 stomach , ask'd destiny with a smile , whether he could 〈◊〉 all the meat he had on his plate ? destiny cast his eyes up● it , and was not a little surpriz'd to see almost level with 〈◊〉 chin , the heap of carv'd pullets with which la gar●●● and bouvillon had erected a trophy to his merit . he blu●●● ar it , and could not forbear laughing ; bouvillon was da● out of countenance ; la garouffiere laugh'd heartily , and 〈◊〉 all the company in so good a humour , that they 〈◊〉 out into laughter four or five several times . the serv●● began where their masters left off , and laught in their 〈◊〉〈◊〉 the bride found so comical , that breaking out into 〈◊〉 as she was going to drink , she spurted the grearest part of the wine , which was in her glass , on her mother-in-law , and her husband's face , and distributed the rest either on the table , or the clothes of those that sat at it . they all began to laugh again , except bouvillon , who colour'd at it , and cast an angry look upon her poor daughter-in-law , which pall'd a little their joy. at last they made an end of laughing , because 't is not possible to laugh for ever ; madam bouvillon and her son wip'd off the wine which trickled down their eyes and cheeks , and the young bride askt their pardon , having still much ado to forbear laughing . destiny laid his plate on the middle of the table , and every one took his own share out of it . they talk'd of nothing else during all the supper , and raillery good or bad was carried on to a high pitch , tho' the serious air , which madam bouvillon put on preposterously , did in some measure disturb the mirth of the company . assoon as supper was over , and the cloth taken away , the ladies retired to their chamber , the advocare and the country squire called for cards , and went to pickett ; la garouffiere and destiny , who were none of those that know not what to do when they do not play , had together a very ingenious conversation , and perhaps the best that ever was held in an inn of lower mayne . la garouffiere spoke with desing , of all he thought most remote from the knowledge of a player , whose wit and judgment have generally narrower limits than his memory ; but destiny discoursed of every thing like a man of great skill , and who understands the world. among the rest , with all the nicety of discerment imaginable , he distinguish'd those women who have a great deal of wit , and never use it but when there 's occasion for it , from those who use it only to be thought witty. likewise those women who endeavour to imitate silly buffoons , that can laugh at , and even use themselves , licentious allusions and paltry equivocations , in a word , that set up for the jesters of their parish , from those who make up the most lovely and agreeable part of the ●eau-monde , and are of the choicest companies . he spoke also of those women who write as well as those men , that make it their profession , and who do not publish the productions of their brain , only out of a principle of modesty . la garouffiere who was an accomplisht gentleman , and knew how to discern a man of nice breeding , wondred how a stroller ●ould be so well acquainted with true politeness and civil conversation . whilst he admires him within himself , and that the advocate and the gentleman , who by this t●●● had given over playing , upon a dispute about a fac'd card , yawn'd and gap'd frequently , which probably proceeded from an inclination to sleep , three beds were got ready for 'em in the chamber where they sup't , and destiny retired to that of his comrades , where he lay with leander . chap. ix . another disaster which befell ragotin . rancour and ragotin lay in the same bed ; as for olive , he spent part of the night in stitching up again , and darning his clothes , which he tore in several places , when he grappl'd with passionate ragotin . those who were particularly acquainted with this dwarf of mans , took notice that when he cuffed with any body , which he did often , he ever tore or unstitcht the cloths of his adversary , either totally , or in part . this was his surest stroke , and whoever was to fight a pitcht battle at cuffs with him , might have barred tearing of cloths , as people bar pushing at the face in fencing . rancour ask'd him as they were going to bed , if he was well , for he thought he lookt very ill , to which ragotin answered● he never was better in all his life . 't was not long before they fell a sleep ; and ragotin may thank the respect which rancour paid to the honourable company that came to the inn , whose repose he would not disturb ; otherwise the little man had had but a sorry night . in the mean time olive was busie about his clothes , and having put them in good repair , he took ragotin's cloaths , and with the dexterity of a nice taylor , made both the doublet and breeches straiter , and laid them again in their places ; and now having past the greatest part of the night in sowing and unsowing , he went into bed with ragotin and rancour . they got up betimes , as 't is usual in all inns , where the noise begins with the day , rancour told ragotin he lookt very ill ; olive told him the same , he began to believe 'em , and finding at the same time his clothes above four inches too strait , he did not question but that he was swo●n by so much , during that little time he was a sleep , and was not a little frighted at this sudden swelling . rancour and olive still continued to tell him how ill he lookt , and destiny and leander , whom they acquainted with the plot , told him he was strangely alter'd . poor ragotin was very much concern'd , and wept at it : destiny could not forbear smiling , which made the little man very angry . he went into the kitchen , where every body told him of his ill looks ; the like did the company that belong'd to the coach , who having a great way to go , got up betimes . they invited the strollers to breaskfast with 'em , and all drunk sick ragotin's health , who instead of thanking them for 't , went out grumbling at 'em , and in a heavy taking repair'd to the surgeon of the town , to whom he gave an account of his swelling . the surgeon made a long deseant upon the cause and effect of his disease , which he understood no better than algebra , and for above a quarter of an hour entertain'd him with the obscure terms of his art , little to the purpose , as if he had discoursed about prester-iohn . ragotin grew impatient , and ask'd him , swearing to admiration for a little man , whether he had nothing else to say to him . the surgeon would have gone on in his reasonings , but ragotin threatned to beat him , and had certainly done it , had not the surgeon humbled himself before his angry patient , from whom he drew twelve ounces of blood , and cup'd him on the shoulders at a venture . the operation was just done when leander came to tell ragotin that if he would promise not to be angry , he would acquaint him with a piece of roguery they had done him . he promis'd more than leander desir'd , and swore as he hop'd to be sav'd to be as good as his promise . leander told him he desired to have witness to his oath , and carried him back to the inn , where in the presence of all , both masters and servants , he made him swear a new , and then told him somebody had made his cloaths straiter . at first ragotin redden'd for shame , and then turning pale with anger and indignation , he was going to break his dreadful and solemn oath , when seven or eight persons at once began to preach to him with such vehemence , that tho he swore like mad , yet he could not be heard . he ceased to bluster ; but the rest did not give over to round him in the ears , which they continued doing so long , that the poor man was like to lose his hearing for it . at last he came off better than was expected , for he fell a singing , as loud as ever he could , what songs came first into his mouth , which changed the great noise of confu'd voices into repeated peals of laughing , which from the masters were eccho'd by the servants , and passed from the place of action , to all the places in the inn , where different businesses called different persons . whilst the noise of so many people laughing together diminishes by degrees , and is lost in the air , somewhat like the sound of distant ecchoes , the faithful chronologer shall make an end of this present chapter , under the gracious favour of the reader , whether courteous or uncourteous , or such as god almighty made him . chap. x. how madam bouvillon could not resist a certain temptation , and besides , how she got a bunch in her forehead . the coach that was to go a great journey the next morning , got ready betimes for that purpose ; the seven 〈◊〉 were to go in it , crowded together as close as possible . at the time appointed it went out , but had not gone above ten yar● before the axel-tree broke . this made the coach man to cur●● his misfortune , and the passengers to curse him , as if he co●● have warranted the strength of his wood. now were 〈◊〉 people to be drawn forth one by one , and oblig'd to retur● to the inn from whence they came ; but this did not vex th●● so much as when they heard that there was no coach-mak● to be met with , nearer than at a large town three leag●● off . hereupon they immediately called a council , but 〈◊〉 to no resolutions , plainly perceiving that their caravan 〈◊〉 not likely to be fit for action till the next day . madam bouvillon who had preserv'd to her self a great authority 〈◊〉 her son , by reason that the whole estate of the family ca● by her , commanded him in the mean time to take one of 〈◊〉 servants horses , and mount his wife on another , and to 〈◊〉 visit an old uncle of hers , who was then curate of the 〈◊〉 town whence the coachmaker was to come . the lord 〈◊〉 this town likewise was a relation to the councellor , and 〈◊〉 over an acquaintance of the advocate and gentleman , 〈◊〉 therefore they also resolv'd to take a vagary to the same pla●● and on the same account . for this end their landlady was 〈◊〉 furnish them with horses , which she did , but at very gr●● rates . madam bouvillon being thus left alone , either bee●● she was tired , or that she feigned to be so , or else by reason 〈◊〉 no horse was able to carry her weight , sent her servant 〈◊〉 destiny to desire him to come and dine with her , and 〈◊〉 dinner was getting ready she spent her time in dressing . first she curl'd and powder'd , then put on a lac'd apron and nightraile , and afterwards took to pieces a point de venise cravat of her sons to make her a commode . after this she opened her daughter-in-laws trunk , and took thence her wedding gown and put it on : in a word , being thus trickt up and adorn'd , she seem'd like to any little venus in a cloud , tho' that somewhat of the fattest . now , notwithstanding all these preparations of hers , destiny had no doubt much rather have dined with his companions ; but then how could he have obey'd the commands of his very humble servant madam bouvillon ? he therefore not knowing how to get free , was forced to comply ; but was not a little surpriz'd when he saw his paramour so youthfully drest . she received him with a smiling countenance , took him by the hands to have him wash them , and squeez'd him after a manner that meant something more than ordinary . he for his part was less sollicitous of his invitation than of the occasion of it , and therefore often neglected eating , which gave her opportunity to press it . he knew not what to say to her , being naturally no great speaker ; but she plentifully supply'd that defect by her never ceasing clack . she was but too ingenious to suffer any chalm in conversation for want of something to say . when a woman that talks much , meers with a man that says little and does not answer her , she always talks the more , for judging of her friend by her self , and perceiving that he has not reparteed to what she advanced , she presently believes he has not been pleased with what was said ; and therefore to mend the matter , proceeds to say a great deal more , which commonly proves as impertinent as her first discourse was ridiculous . the only way that i can propose to deal with such women as these , is to talk as much , if not more than they , for thereby if they cannot be silenc'd , their voices may at least be drowned . as for the matchless bouvillon , she was the most immoderate talker of nothing , that ever was known , and she not only talk'd to her self while she was in private , but would answer her self likewise . the silent disposition of destiny giving her an opportunity , she determin'd to divert him with some large relation or other . the subjects she chose to speak of , was the intrigues of laval , the town where she lived ; but she never hapned to blame any person or action but she always took thence an occasion to commend her self , protesting at every fling of satyr on her neighbour , that tho' she was guilty of many faults , yet in that particular he was innocent . tho' destiny was extremely mortify'd at the beginning of her discourse , and made no answer , yet he afterwards found himself oblig'd for quietness sake , to smile now and then , and sometimes to cry out , oh! that 's pleasant● or that 's strange ! both which he often spoke mal à propos . assoon as destiny had done eating , the voider was brought , and the table cleared . then madam bouvillon clapping her self down at the feet of the bed , pulled him down by her , and her servant , ( letting the waiters of the inn go out first ) leaving her likewise , drew the door after her , and shut it : this madam bouvillon perceiving , and thinking that destiny had also observ'd it , said to him , see this foolish iade has shut the door after her . to which he reply'd . if you please , madam , i 'll go and open 〈◊〉 no , said she , stopping him , let it alone ; but you know , continu'd she , when two persons are lock'd up together , as they have an opportunity to do what they please , people will judge of them as they think fit . 't is not on such reputations as yours , madam , reply'd destiny for people to pass rash iudgments . however , sir , quoth bouvillon , one cannot have too much caution against slander . well , madam , reply'd destiny , but people will not talk without grounds , and sure they can have none when they reflect upon the inequality of our conditions . will you please therefore , madam , continued he , that i go open the door . by no means , sir , quoth she , going to bolt it , and adding withal . for as long as people think it shut , it is better it were really so , that no body may come in upon us without our consent . having said this , and perform'd the office of a friend for her self , she turn'd towards destiny , giving him to understand by her large fiery cheeks , and little sparkling eyes , what sport she had a mind to be at ; then she proceeded to take off her hankerchief from her neck , and thereby discover'd to her lover at least ten pound of exuberant flesh , that is to say near the third part of her bosom , the rest being distributed in two equal portions under her arm-pitts : this ill intention of hers causing her to blush , ( which sometimes the most impudent will do ) her neck was grown as red as her face , and both together might be well taken at any distance for a scarlet * riding cap. all this made destiny to blush too , but it was with shame , when i 'll give you leave to guess what might be the cause of madam bouvillons then she began to complain that she had something that troubled her in her back , and moving her self about in her harness , as if she had irch'd , she begged of destiny to thrust his hand down her back to scratch her . this the youth immediately obey'd her in , trembling all the while , but whilst he was 〈◊〉 in pleasing her behind , she diverted her self with him before , handling his sides through his wast-coat , and asking him often , if he was not ticklish too ? whilst these lovers were thus pleasing each other , ragotin came to the door , and knocked and bawled like to any madman , calling out aloud to destiny to open to him . this destiny going immediately to perform , drew his hand all sweaty out from bouvillons back , and oftering to go between her and the table , as the shortest cut , chanced to trip against a nail in the floor , which brought him down with his head against a bench in that violent manner , that he lay sometime for dead . madam bouvillon in the mean time catcht up her handkercheif , and having thrown it over her shoulders , made all the haste she could to open the door , which having done , and ragotin pushing against it with all his force at the same time , gave the poor lady so cruel a blow on the face , that it almost flatted her nose , and also raised a bump on her fore-head , of the bigness of ones fist. this made her to cry out , she was dead , but which , tho' the little rascal heard , he nevertheless made no excuse for , but leaping and bounding about the room like mad , bauled out mrs. angelica 's found ! mrs. angelica 's found ! this he did the louder to provoke destiny's anger , who was all this while calling for madam bouvillons maid to come and help her mistriss , which she nevertheless could not possibly hear , by reason of the noise which ragotin made . at length the servant came , and brought water and a clean napkin , when between her and destiny there was quickly some small reparation made for the damage done by the door . but however , great was destiny's impatience to know what more nevvs ragotin brought ; he notvvithstanding vvould not leave madam bouvillon till her face vvas vvash'd and anointed , and her forehead bound up vvith a bandage . at last he offer'd to be gone , but that calling ragotin a thousand rogues for the mischief he had done on the one side , vvhile ragotin drevv him after him on the other , to give him a farther account of his message . chap. xi● . of things that will divert , it may be , the least of the whole book . 't is true madam angelica was found again , and brought away by leander's servant . this servant had but too much wit to let any body know that leander was his master , and madam angelica endeavour'd to● disguise that by policy which olive and rancour had done before bluntly . leander enquired of madam angelica and his servant , whom he made to pass for one of his friends , where and how he had found her , and which questions he happen'd to ask just as ragotin entred leading in destiny in triumph , or rather dragging him after him , because he could not go so fast as he would have him . at first sight destiny and angelica embrac'd with reciprocal testimonies of love and friendship , and with that tenderness which lovers long absent are wont to do on an unexpected interview leander and she carress'd only with their eyes , leaving farther remonstrances of kindness to a private meeting . in the mean time leander's servant began his story , after the following manner , treating his master all the while like his friend . after i had left you , quoth he , addressing himself to leander , i pursued the ravishers of angelica , according as you had desired me , till sun-set , when , and not before , i lost sight of them . next morning i was not a little surpriz'd to find the lady i look'd after at the entrance of a wood alone , on foot , and all dissolv'd in tears . hereupon having acquainted her that i was your friend , and that it was at your request that i had gone in quest of her . she seem'd to be somewhat comforted , and ●beg'd of me to conduct her to mans , or at least to carry her to leander , if i knew where to find him . now , madam , continued he , turning to angelica , it must be your part to relate the rest , for you know you were so afflicted on the road , that i did not care to ask you any questions . those that were least curious of all the company , had yet a mind to learn from madam angelica's own mouth the account of so strange an adventure ; for strange it might well seem to them , that a young lady should be carried away with such violence , and be afterwards surrender'd , or rather abandon'd without the least force . in order to this relation madam angelica first desired they would help her to a bed ; but which they not being able to do , by reason that the inn was full , the honest curate oblig'd her with a chamber in his sisters house , which was next door . now angelica had not so great occasion for a bed to sleep on as to rest her self upon ; therefore destiny and leander , with the rest of the company , were admitted to her bed-side assoon as she was laid . altho' she would have been glad that destiny should have had an opinion of her constancy , yet could not she well look upon him without blushing . the observing of this made him pity her confusion extremely , and in order to divert her from doing her self any diskindness , he immediately put her upon relating that part of the adventure which leander's servant could not . this request of his , she forthwith proceeded to gratify , as follows . you may imagine , quoth she , my mother and i were not a little surpriz'd when while we were walking together in the park that adjoins to our house , we saw all of a sudden a little door open which looks towards the country , and five or six men enter thereat , who immediately soiz'd upon me , without regarding my mother , and carried me away half dead with fear to their horses . my mother , whom ye all know to be one of the most resolute women in the world , fell furiously upon the first of those she overtook , and reduced him to that condition , that he could not possibly get out of her hands till he had called one of his companions to his assistance . the person that rescued him , who was so base as to beat my mother , as i heard him afterwards brag on the road , was it seems the author of this enterprize . he nevertheless came not near me all that night , during which we marched like to persons pursued by an enemy , and that through the most by-roads ; for otherwise the noise i made might have been sufficient to have allarum'd some body to my relies . they so manag'd the matter , that we met with but one little village in our way ; the inhabitants thereof i soon raised with my shrill notes , but who nevertheless were not numerous enough to rescue me . the morning came , and then my ravisher approach'd me ; but had no sooner seen me than he flew from me in great passion , and afterwards assembled a council of his companions , which lasted about half an hour . my ravisher after that seem'd to be enrag'd as much as i was grieved , and often swere to make the devil to do among his companions . their ●umultous assembly being at an end , i could by no means come to know what resolves they had agreed on . we were put on our march again ; and from that time forward , i had less respect paid me than before . they quarrel'd with me as often as they saw me uneasie , and curs'd me , as if i had been some great offender . they carried me away as you might perceive , speaking to leander , with a players habit on , but which they hid by throwing one of their cloaks over me . they met a man upon the road , of whom they endeavour'd to inform themselves of some matters . i was surpriz'd to see it was leander , and i believe he was no less astonish'd to see me ; for he knew me assoon as ever i discovered my habit , as well as by my face . he may inform you if he pleases what he did . for my part , seeing so many swords drawn upon him , i fainted away in the arms of him that held me upon the horse , and when i came to my self , i found we were again upon our march but saw leander no more till now . hereupon i began to redouble my cries ; but my ravishers , whereof there was one wounded , little regarding me , took their way cross the country , and yesterday night stop'd at a little village , where they lay and passed for soldiers . this morning at the entrance of a wood they met a man with a young gentlewoman on horseback ; her they immediately unmask'd , and having so done , it seems knew her , when taking her from her guardian , and bestowing on him a few blows of a cudgel , they rid away with her , as they had done with me ; she making as great , if not greater lamentations than i had done . when i heard her voice . i fancied i knew her , but could not be positive . after we had got about fifty paces into the wood , . the man that seem'd to have the command of the rest , rid up to the person that carried me , and cried to him , set down that slabbering milksop you have behind you , and let her shift for her self . herein he was immediately obey'd , and i was all of a sudden left alone upon the ground . the dread i had to be thus alone would have certainly been the death of me , had not this gentleman here , meaning leanders servant , who brought me hither followed me at a distance , and found me in that condition . the rest he has acquainted you with . but , continued she , addressing her self to destiny , i believe that same lady which was preferr'd to me might be your sister , my companion ; and the reason i have for it , is not only the resemblance of her voice with that i heard , but likewise the man that carried her i dare be positive was the servant you took last . what 's that you tell me ? quoth destiny somewhat disturb'd , i tell you my thoughts , reply'd angelica , but i may be deceived , one person may be like another ; yet still i fear it was she . i fear so too , reply'd destiny , with his countenance all chang'd , for i have some reas●● to apprehend a certain person in this province for an enemy , that would do me such a good turn . but how came she at the entrance of a wood , continued he , when ragotin left her yesterday at mans ? i 'll go send away one of my friends thither presently , pursu'd he , to know the truth , while i stay behind to determine a resolution suitable to the news he brings . as he had just done speaking he heard some body call him out of the street , and stepping to the window , perceived it was monsieur de la garouffiere , who was just then return'd from his visit and who told him he had something of importance to communicate to him . he went down to wait on him , and thereby left leander and angelica together , to enjoy each other after so tedious an absence , and to pour out their sighs and vows into one anothers bosoms . i fancy 't would have been no small pleasure , either to have seen or heard them ; but still their greatest happiness was to have been alone . during this , destiny demanded of la garouffiere what he had to say to him . do you know a certain gentleman called verville , quoth garouffiere , and is he one of your friends ? he is the only person that i have been most oblig'd to in the world , reply'd destiny , and whom i honour most , and who i ●elieve has the like kindness and respect for me . i believe it , answered garouffiere , for i met him to day at the gentlemans , where i dined , and all his discourse was of you . he asked me a hundred questions concerning you , without my being able to satisfie him in any , and if i had not promised to send you to him , he would certainly have come hither to wait on you before now , altho' he has a great deal of business upon his hands where he is . destiny thanked him heartily for his kind information , and having learnt farther from him , where his friend verville was to be found resolv'd to go to him that minute , hoping to learn from him some news of his enemy saldagne , whom he knew very well to be the author of the carrying away of angelica , and provided she were not mistaken , in the voice she heard . of the ravishing of his dear star likewise . he desired his companions therefore to return immediately to mans , and to congratulate mrs. cave in his name , for the news of the finding of her daughter , and moreover desired of them ●●ther to send a man on purpose , or else some one of them to come back speedily , and bring him word how his dear dear madam star did , providing he could hear any news of 〈◊〉 there . he inform'd himself farther of garonffiere , which was the way to the town where verville was to be found . after which having made the curate to promise that his sister should take care of angelica , till such time as he sent for her from mans , he took leanders horse , and got about night to the town where verville was . he did not think it proper 〈◊〉 go to look after verville himself for fear he should meet with saldagne , at his first coming whom he knew to be thereabouts , 〈◊〉 therefore going to a litte hedge-inn hardby , he sent the boy to verville to let him know that the gentleman who●● he had desired to see , was there waiting for him . verville came , and throwing his arms about destiny's neck , continued for some time embracing him , being scarce able to shew the love and tenderness he had for him . let us leave them in each others arms for a while , as persons that thought they should never see one another again , and proceed to the following chapter . chap. xii . which perhaps will entertain its reader as little as the foregoing . verville and destiny gave an account to each other of all matters concerning them , which they were seperately ignorant of . verville tells destiny of the wondrous brutality of his brother st. far , and of the great patience of his wife in bearing with him . thence he takes an occasion to extol his own happiness in having so good a woman to his , and afterwards tells him news of the baron d'arques his father , and of monsieur de st. sauveur . destiny on his part relates all his adventures , not concealing the least , and verville farther acquaints him , that saldagne still continued to live thereabouts as ill a life as ever , and promised him withal , that if madam star were to be found in his custody , he would do all that lay in his power to recover her out of his hands , at the hazard both of his own life and those of his friends which he could command . he farther tells him , that he had no place to retire to but his father's , and another gentleman 's in the country , who was as bad as he , and besides , who had little or no estate to maintain himself , and therefore could not be able to entertain another long . he must therefore , continued he , come to our house speedily , if he will remain in our province . my father bears with him 't is true , on account of some relation ; but my brother st. far cates no more for him , whatever friendship has been formerly between them . i would advise you therefore , proceeded he , to come along with me to my fathers to morrow , and i will place you so that you shall observe all that he does , and notwithstanding be seen by 〈◊〉 but those you have a mind to see . this advice of 〈◊〉 friend verville's destiny liked very well , and resolved to follow it ; but verville being to go to supper that night with the lord of the town , an old man his relation , who had design'd him for his heir , it could not be put in execution till the next morning . destiny for his part supp'd only on what he could find in the inn , and went to bed betimes that he might not make his friend wait for him the next day , for that they had design'd to be on their journy by sun rising . at the hour appointed they set forth , and as they rid along for three leagues together , entertained each other with those particulars that they had not time to speak of before . assoon as they were got to their journeys end , verville plac'd destiny in the house of a servant of his , whom he had married not long before to a woman in that town , and who lived very prettily , not far off from the baron d'arques his father . he gave particular orders that he should be kept private , and promised that he would return to him in a very short time . it was not above two hours before he did return accordingly ; but acquainted destiny at first dash , that he had bad news to tell him . hereupon destiny began to grow pale and to tremble , but verville soon removed the cause thereof , by the following relation . i was no sooner alighted . quoth he to destiny . but i saw your friend saldagne carried between four men into a ground chamber , and that by reason of a fall he had got from his horse , which had so bruiz'd him , that he was not able to walk . at the first sight of me he told me he had occasion to speak with me , and desired me to come to his chamber after that the surgeon , that was then present , had done dressing of his leg , which was extremely shatter'd by his fall . i came accordingly , and assoon as we were alone , he began thus . i must , says he , confess all my faults to you , tho' you are the least indulgent of any of my censurers , your prudence being a continual terror to my folly. he afterwards owned to me , that he had carried away a woman player , for whom he had had a kindness all his life long , and would tell me the particulars thereof , which he believed i would be surpriz'd at . he told me consequently that the gentleman i was speaking of before , who had been us'd to entertain him , having been obliged to leave the province on account of siding with a brother of his , who had been found to have made bad salt , he was forc'd to bring his booty to my fathers house , and that he had desired of his sister , my wife , that she would conceal her in her appartment , for fear this action of this should come to my fathers knowledge , which he said , he ●dreaded . he afterwards conjured me to lend him one of my servants , because his own were great blockheads , that might conduct her safe to an house of his in brittany , whither he said he would follow assoon as ever he could well mount a horse . he ask'd me farther , if i could not procure him a man or two more to accompany my servant , for well he knew how difficult a thing it would be for three men to carry off a woman so far without her consent . i made him believe it was an easy matter , the better to serve you . now , continued verville to destiny , his servants are altogether strangers to you , and mine is a very cunning fellow and faithful to me , therefore i will cause him to tell saldagne that he will take along with him a stout fellow an acquaintance of his to his assistance ; and this same fellow i design shall be you . therefore , pursu'd he , your mistriss must be acquainted with this , and this very night that they think to get a great way by the help of the moon , she must feign her self sick at the first village ; then will they be oblig'd to stop ; my servane shall make saldagnes men drunk . she shall afterwards seem to recover , and then proceeding on in their iourny , it will be an easy matter for my men to impose on the drunkards , and to make them believe that you come behind with their charge , when it shall be so contriv'd that you shall go a quite contrary way , and so carry your dear star clear off . destiny found a great deal of masterly contrivance in this proposal of vervilles , and whose man , whom they had just then sent for , entred the chamber much at the same time . they consulted together what they had to do , and agreed on all points . afterwards verville retired with destiny the rest of the day , being unwilling to part with him so quickly after so long absence , tho' he nevertheless hop'd to see him again at bourbon whither he vvas to go . at length night came and destiny vvent vvith verville's servant to the place appointed . saldagnes tvvo men fail'd not to be there likewise when verville by saldagnes order consign'd into their hands the charge of madam star. you cannot imagine what joy enflam'd these two lovers hearts at this enterview , but speak they must not , and look languishingly they dare not , so that their passion might be well term'd inexpressible . they had not gone above half a league before madam star began to complain . her attendants exhorted her to take courage till she came to a town about two leagues off , where they gave her hopes she should rest . her malady encreased at every step , and vervilles man and destiny did all that in them lay to prevent saldagnes servants from mistrusting the reality of her sickness so near to the place they set out from . at last they arrived at the tovvn , and immediately vvent to the inn ( vvhereof there vvas but one in all the place , which they happily found full of guests and drunkards . madam star continued to grunt , and feign'd sickness better by candlelight than she had done before . she called for a bed and lay down thereon in her cloaths , requiring her guards but to leave her for an hour only , and she did not question but by that time she should be sit to get on horse-back again . they left her , and saldagnes servants left all other matters to the management of vervilles man , who had their masters orders . for their parts they thought they had no more to do than to make much of themselves , and in order thereto , struck in with a jolly company of roaring boys , who were placed round a table , and who pelted one another with healths as thick as hail-shot flies from the mouth of a demi-culvetih . vervilles man would sometimes step in and take his glass to renew the fight when there was like to be any cessation . his reason for often slinching , was because he had the care of the lady ; but the truth on 't was , he had a mind to get an opportunity to mount her and destiny , and to send them away , which he soon after did by by-roads ; but therein va●ied from the stratagem his master had laid , as you may have observ'd before . after he had so done , he returned to his drunkards , amusing them with flim flam stories , and telling them the lady was for the present gone to sleep , but that she would soon awake , and then they would be jogging onwards of their journey . he told them likewise , that destiny was gone into the stable to look after the horses , but would return presently . he then put about the glass , and toasted several healths , all which saldagnes men took in bumpers , till at last their heads grew so heavy , that they could not possibly lift them from the table . it was therefore they were fore'd to be carried out , and thrown upon a lump of straw in a barn , for beds they were not to be suffer'd to lye upon , for ●ear they should have spoil'd the sheets . vervilles man feign'd himself drunk . likewise , but which he really was not , by reason he had often baulk'd his glass . in the morning he waked betimes , and going sorrowfully to his companions in the barn , he told them their charge was flown , but that he had sent his friend destiny after her , who he hop'd would o●ertake and bring her back . however he thought it both ●heirs and his duty to mount immediately , and assist in the ●ursuit , and therefore bid them to rise instantly and prepare to ●e gone . it was at least an hour before he could make them ●mprehend what he said , and i 'll assure you 't was near eight days after before they were wholly sober . as all the inn 〈◊〉 drunk that night , even from the hostess to the scullion-wench no body took the least notice when destiny and his dear star went away ; and i believe they scarce remembred next day whether they had seen any such people there or not . whilst matters passed thus , and vervilles man pressed his sluggish companions to be gone ; destiny had gained ground apace with his dear fellow traveller , not doubting in the least but that his friend behind had taken care , whenever they got out , to lead his pursuers a contrary way . the moon shone out very bright , and the road they had to go was extremely good , which led them to a town whither we will bring them in the following chapter . chap. xiii . a bad action committed by the sieur de la rappiniere , and a farther account of madam star's and destiny's travells . destiny as he rode along , had a great desire to know o● his dear star how she came to the wood where saldagne seiz'd her , but this , tho' he would have willingly been satisfied in , yet still had he more regard to their safeties , and therefore spent all his time in spurring and switching his own● and his mistresses beast forwards . at length the two love● had leisure to entertain each other , which they did , with all the expressions and demonstrations of love and affection imaginable . then proceeded madam star , to tell destiny how many good turns she had done her mother mrs. cave , an● how extremely she belived she would be afficted at he● absence . as for my part , continued she , you may well imagin● that i had as great need of consolation as she , for assoon as you● valet had brought me a horse from you , and withal , acquainted 〈◊〉 that you had found the ravishers of angelica , but were wounde● i — , i wounded ! quoth destiny interrupting her , i never we yet , no nor in the least danger of being so , neither did i ever send 〈◊〉 any horse . there must be some mystery in this , continud 〈◊〉 which i have not comprehended yet . i wonder'd indeed what 〈◊〉 you ask me so often how i did , and whether the going so fast 〈◊〉 not incomode me ; but now all 's out . you rejoice and 〈◊〉 me at once , answer'd madam star , with this relation . y● wounds caused me a great deal of disquiet 't is true , and now what you tell me enclines me to believe that your servant has been gain'd over to our enemies , out of some ill design they have projected against us . he has rather been debauched , reply'd destiny , by some that are too much our friends . i have no profess'd enemy , continued he , but saldagne , and it is unlikely that he should have seduced my servant , because i know he beat him at the time that he met with you . how came you to know that , said star , for i don't remember i ever told it you ? you shall know , reply'd destiny , assoon as ever you have made me acquainted with the manner of your coming from mans. i can acquaint you with no more , quoth star , than what i have told you already . the day after , proceeded she , that my mother mrs. cave and i came to mans , your servant brought me a horse from you , and told me with tears in his eyes , that you had been wounded by the ravishers of angelica , and that therefore you desired i would make all the haste i could to you . i got on horseback presently , for that purpose , altho' it was very late . i lay about leagues from mans , at a place whose name i have forgot , and next day at the entrance of a vvood , we were stopt by persons i did not know . i saw your servant beaten and was extremely concerned at it , but could not hinder it . i saw likewise a woman suddenly thrown off from a horse , and whom i afterwards knew to be my companion , but the great fright i was then in , joined with the extraordinary concern i had for your safety , made me to take little notice of it . they mounted me in the place of her they had pulled off . we travelled till night , and afterwards having gone a great deal more ground , for the most part cross the country , we arrived at a sort of gentlemans house , where i observ'd they would not receive us . it was there that i first knew saldagne , the sight of whom caused me immediately to despair . we after that travelled a great way farther , and at length i was secretly convey'd into the house where your friend found me . as madam star had just ended the relation of her adventures , the day began to appear , whereby they perceiv'd they were in the high-wood that leads to mans. they forthwith whipt their horses forwards , more vigorously than they had hitherto done , to reach a town they saw before them . destiny desired earnestly to catch his servant and thereby to discover what other enemy he had in that country besides his profest one saldagne ; but there was no likely hood that he would suffer himself to light into his clutches , after the ill trick he had plaid him . he learnt from his dear star all that she knew concerning her companion angelica ; and while they were thus amusing each other with questions and answers , their horses started all of a sudden ; at the sight of a man that lay at his full length under a hedge . destiny 's . horse almost leap'd from under him , but madam star's was so frighted , that he quite threw her off , violently upon the ground . after destiny had recover'd himself , he went to see how his love far'd , but he could scarce alight to assist her his horse so snaffled and pranch'd , and tripp'd . at last he made shift to leap off his back , and found to his great joy that his dear star had got no hurt . after which , the horses being somewhat come to themselves , he went up to observe the cause of their fright , and found it was a man , whom he took either to be dead or asleep . upon a nearer view he saw he was both , for he was dead drunk ; altho' his snoring shew'd him to be alive , yet destiny had no small trouble to awake him . at length by often pulling and tearing him about , he open'd his eyes , and thereby discovered himself to his master to be his servant , whom he had longed so much to find , the rogue as drunk as he was , nevertheless knew his master , and by the fear he seem'd to have of him , betray'd his being author of what he before doubted of . destiny immediately ask'd him several questions successively , without waiting for answers till he had done . as first , why he had told madam star that he was wounded ? why he carried her away from mans ? and whither he design'd to have carried her ? by whose order he had the horse ? and the like . to all which questions , he nevertheless , could not get a word in answer , either because the rascal his man was ●●o drunk to have the use of his tongue , or else by reason he feign'd himself to be so . this made destiny to fly into a great passion , insomuch that having struck him two or three blows with the flat of his sword , he took a halter and tied his hands fast behind him , and fastned the other e●● to the crupper of his horse , intending to make him march in that manner to his journies end . after which he mounted star upon her horse again , and having snatch'd a good cudgel out of the hedge , got up himself to proceed on his journy , his man walking all the way by his side , like a grey-hound in a slip . the town which destiny saw before him , happen'd to be the same that he had parted from two days before , where he had met monsieur de la garouffiere , and where his company still remained , by reason of a greivous colera morbus that madam bouvillon had had ever since . when destiny arrived he found neither rancour , olive nor ragotin , they having all returned to mans the day before . as for leander he had never quitted in the least his dear angelica . i need not tell you after what manner she receiv'd madam star ; it may be easily guest at what caresses two such lovers would lavish away upon each other , after so many dangers escap'd on either side . destiny immediately inform'd monsieur de la garouffiere of the success of his expedition , and a little after , his man being brought in , who was not yet unbound , he proceeds to ask him the same questions as before ; but to which nevertheless the rascal stood mute , as he had formerly done . this obstinacy of his , caused his master to order a hand-vice to be fetch 't from the gun-smiths , wherewith to squeeze his thumbs , and make him confess by those means . at the fight of the engine the rogue immediately fell a trembling and falling down on his knees , begg'd heartily for pardon , confessing at the same time , that la rappiniere had set him on to do what he had done , and that he had moreover promised him for recompence to take him into his service . he farther own'd that la rappiniere was then at a house about two leagues off , which he had usurpt upon a poor widow . destiny continued talking in private for some time with mon●●eur de la garouffiere , who soon after sent a footman to let la rappiniere know that he would speak with him about an affair of consequence . this councellor of rennes had it seems a great influence over the provost of mans. he had formerly ●revented his being broke on the wheel in britany , and had likewise always made it his business to protect him whenever he came to be accused of any crime , and that not because he thought him innocent , being satisfied that ho had ●een guilty of various offences , but by reason that he had ●arried a relation of his . the servant that was sent to la●appiniere , found him just then getting on horseback to go 〈◊〉 mans , but no sooner had he heard that la garouffiere had 〈◊〉 for him , but he put off that journey to go wait on him . 〈◊〉 the mean time la garouffiere who had some pretence to wit , ●ew but of a scrutore several copies of verses , of divers kinds , 〈◊〉 which he read to destiny , and afterwards shew'd him , to pass ●●ay the time , the following novel translated from the ●mish . chap. xiv . the iudge in her own cause , a novel . it was in africa , among the rocks by the sea side , and not distant from the famous city of fez above half an hours journey , that prince muley son to the king of morocco , after having stray'd from his companions while he was hunting , happen'd to be left alone . the sky was without the least cloud , the sea calm , and the moon and stars shone out so bright , that they in a manner rival'd the sun : in a word , all these agreeable accidents met together , made one of those nights , which in hot countries , like this , are far more pleasant than what we call the finest daies in our northern regions . the moorish prince galloping along the shore , diverted himself with beholding the exceeding brightness of the moon and stars , and which communicated their splendour to the water , wherein they were also to be seen as in a mirrour . as he was thus amusing himself , he heard several doleful shrieks hard by which his curiosity enclining him to know the occasion of , he spur'd forwards his horse , which if you please shall be 〈◊〉 barbary courser , and rid to the place whence he thought th● noise came . he there discovered a woman defending her sel● with all her might against a man that endeavour'd to bin● her hands , whilst another woman at the same time was 〈◊〉 gling with her to stop her mouth with a piece of linne● the coming of the young prince prevented all farther 〈◊〉 lence from being offer'd her , and occasion'd an in volun●● truce on the assualters sides . muley at his first arrival 〈◊〉 manded of the assaulted woman what made her to 〈…〉 and of the others what they were going to do ? but 〈◊〉 of an answer , the man that was the aggressor stept up to him with his drawn scymeter , and launch'd at him such a terible stroke , as would have undoubtedly wounded him 〈◊〉 dangerously had he not dexterously avoided it by the ●●●●●ness of his horse . villain , cry'd muley , to him , turning 〈◊〉 horses head , how durst you assaidt the prince of fez ? i 〈◊〉 not well know you to be he , reply'd the moor , but since you happen to be so , it is because you are my prince that i will eith● have your life or loose my own . with that , he immediately upon him , with that fury , that the prince as valiant as was , thought less of chastizing his subjects insolence than defending his own life . the two women at the same time were at fisticuffs , and she that a moment before had been almost over-power'd , was now become couragious , and kept her adversary from flying , hoping that her champion would get the victory . despair ever augments courage , and oftentimes gives it to those whose natural timidity made them uncapable of having it before . altho' the valour and conduct of this prince were incomparably greater than those of his adversary , yet did the self-conviction of this moor , together with the dread of punishment , so animate his spirits , and direct his arm , that the combat remained for some time doubtful : but at last heaven , that always is ready to protect those it raises above others , caused the princes attendants to come near that way , who being allarum'd at the noise of the combatants , and the cries of the women , immediately rid post to see what was the matter , and arrived just at the time , when their master by a lusty blow , had brought his enemy to the ground . they presently knew their lord , and therefore run with great fury to have dispatcht his vanquish'd adversary ; but the prince calling out to them , bid them to forbear killing him , and ordered them , only to tie him to a horses tail , it being his intentions to have him reserved for a more exemplary punishment , two of the horse-men took up the two women behind them , and with this equipage muley and his company return'd to fez much about day-break . this young prince commanded in fez as absolutely as if he had been already king. soon after his arrival , he commanded the moor , whose name was amet , and son to one of the richest merchants in fez , to be brought before him ; the two women were order'd to be brought likewise ; but they were known to no body , by reason of the custom of concealing that sex , which is observ'd here stricter than in any other parts . she of the two whom the prince had reliev'd , surpriz'd both him and the court with her beauty ; it being so great , that all africa had not the like to boast of , and withall so majestick , that even a slaves habit , which she wore , could not obscure it . the other woman was cloath'd like to those of this country , which are of some quality , and who likewise had beauty , but which could not stand in competition with that of the other , and had it been possible the paleness of her cheeks alone , occasion'd by her fear , would have lost her the victory , when the other would have rather received advantage by a guiltless blush and a fearless mind . the moor appear'd before muley with guilt in his countenance , keeping his eyes all the while fixt upon the ground . the prince commanded him to confess his crime , if he would not die in torments . i know those that are prepared for me , answered he boldly , all which , and greater , i have deserved ; yet still , had i thought it would have been for my advantage , even the greatest could be inflicted on me , would not have been able to have extorted the least confession from me . but since i know that nothing can avail to save my life , seeing i would have been the instrument of your death , know , great prince , that the qnger i have conceived against my self for not having killed you , torments me more than the utmost of tortures can do . as for these two spanish women here , added he , they have both been my slaves ; whereof one who knew best how to play her cards , has married my brother zaide , when the other , more obstinate , would never yet change her religion , nor except the frequent proffers of love which i have made her . here he stopt , and would give no farther account either of them or himself , notwithstanding the great meanaces made him . this caused muley to have him immediately thrown into a dungeon loaded with irons ; the renegado , wife of zaide , was order'd to another prison . but the fair slave the prince commanded to be conducted to a moors house nam'd zulema , a man of quality , and by birth a spaniard , but who had left that country , because he would not be forced to turn christian. he was of the illustrious family of zegris , heretofore so renown'd in grenada , and his wife zaraide , likewise of the same lineage , was reputed to be the finest woman , whether for beauty or wit ; in all fez. she was at first charm'd with the beauty and conversation of this fair christian slave , and therefore , if she had been capable of being comforted , she might have found sufficient consolation in her caresses ; but on the contrary , as if she had forsworn all manner of comforts , she always desired to be alone , thereby to give the better vent to her grief ; for when she was in zoraides company , she underwent no small torture by retaining her sighs and her tears . all this while prince muley was very desirous of having an account of her adventures . he had made his mind already known to zulema , and who being a person from whom he could conceal nothing ; he had likewise acquainted him that he had a sort of love for this fair christian , and which he would before have let her known had not he apprehended from her great afflictions some unknown rival in spain , who might be too luckily prepossess'd of her favour . zulema having receiv'd this hint from his lord , immediately gave orders to his wife to get what particulars she could out of this fair christian concerning her life , but especially how she came to be a slave to amet. zoraide was as desirous as the prince of knowing these particulars , and therefore was not long before she set about it ; she had little reason to think she should be refus'd , because she had been so wonderfully civil to her . agreeable to her wishes the fair spaniard answer'd her , that she would satisfie her curiosity whenever she pleased ; but having nothing but misfortunes to acquaint her with , she feared she would find her relation somewhat tiresom . you will be convinc'd , reply'd zoraide , that is cannot be so , when you see the attention i shall give to it , and by the concern that i shall infallibly shew for your bad portune . i dare say you will be apt to believe you could entrust your secrets with no truer friend . this said , they threw their arms over each other necks , and embraced so heartily , as if they never dosigned to quit that posture . afterwards the fair slave wiping her eyes . which shed tears abundantly at the remembrance of her misfortunes , began her story in the following manner . i am , said she , a spaniard by birth , was born at valencia and my name is sophia . i was educated with that care and charge as would become a rich father and mother to bestow on the first fruits of their marriage . i had a brother younger than i by a year . he was lovely as may be , and loved me dearly , as i loved him ; our mutual friendship was so great , that we were never easy when we were asunder , aud therefore our parents took care that we should seldom be so . we learnt together all those exercises that are usually taught youth of either sex , and thence it came to pass , to the surprize of every body , that i was equally skillful with him in the manege as he was with me in the arts of the needle . this extraordinary sort of education of ours caused a gentleman our neighbour to desire of my father that his children might be bred along with us . his request was granted , and having only a son and daughter , about the age of us , it gave occasion to the town of valencia to think that there would one day be a counter marriage between us . don carlos and lucy , were the names of these two young companions of ours . the former was handsom , and loved me dearly , which i reciprocally returned . our parents observ'd it , but were so far from either disliking or opposing it , that they rather encouraged and approved it , and i believe would certainly have soon married us together , had not they thought us too young . at length our delusive happiness was stifled by the death of my brother ; a violent feavour carried him off in eight days , and from his death sprung the first cause of my misfortunes . lucy was so affected with it , that she obstinately re'solv'd to turn nun. i had brought my self even to deaths door for grief , and don carlos likewise had so great a share of concern , that he gave his parents little hopes to believe he would survive it , so much the loss of my brother , the danger i was in , and the resolutions of his sister had wrought upon him . at last , thanks to our youth , we all recover'd , and time in some measure moderated our afflictions . the father of don carlos died not long after , and left him both rich and out of debt . his riches furnisht him with ability to gratifie his gallant humour , and his gallantry flatter'd my vanity , expos'd his love to publick knowledge , and augmented mine . don carlos was often found at my parents feet , conjuriug them not to defer his happiness any longer , and my father was inclinable to hearken to his request , for fear his profuse courtship might in time diminish his fortune ; he gave him hopes therefore , that he should speedily be his son-in-law . this raised don carlos to so high a pitch , that he lavisht out his love at an extraordinary rate , and which would have been alone sufficient to have convinced me of his sincerity , had i not had so many preceding proofs of his passion . to add to his other profuseness , he presented me with a ball , and invited all the town of valencia to it . but to his misfortune as well as mine , thither came among the rest , a neapolitan count , whom some affairs of importance had brought into spain : this count it seems , took so great a fancy to me , that he must needs be in love with me , and in order to gratific his passion , was not long before he demanded me in marriage , after having been inform'd of the quality of my father , in the kingdom of valencia . my father was so dazl'd with the title of this stranger , that he immediately consented to all he ask'd , and from that very hour , forbid don carlos to pretend any more to me . he likewise strictly enjoined me to receive no more of his visits , and moreover commanded me for the future to look upon the italian count as a person that was to marry me at his return from madrid , whither he was then going , and would come back in a short time . i dissembled my dislike for the present to my fathers proposals , but when i was alone don carlos would sincerely come into my mind , whom i thought the most aimable man in the world , while i could not find with my utmost endeavours the least thing agreeable , nay , scarce tolerable , in his rival ; so that it was equally impossible for me to love the one and to forget the other . i had recourse upon this occasion to tears , but sound those a feeble remedy against so great a malady as mine . while i was in this condition , don carlos entred the room , but that without his usual custom of asking leave . he found me all in tears , which made him to lose the power of witholding his own , however great had been his resolutions not to betray the sentiments of his heart till he had dived into the utmost of mine . he threw himself at my feet , and taking me by the hand , which he all bathed with his tears , sophy , said he to me , what must i loose you then ? must a stranger who has scarce the honour to be known to you , be notwithstanding prefer'd to me ? shall he possess you sophy , and will you consent to it ? you whom i have loved so dearly , and who have always endeavoured to make me believe that you loved me likewise ? shall your father pretend to dispose of you , when he has already given you me ? your father , the most unjust man living ! if you were a person , continued he , whose merit could be valued , my fidelity alone would be able to purchase you . but , pursued he , since you are inestimable , i beg you to believe that if i have had the ambition to aspire to you , i shall not want the courage to revenge my self on him whom you causeless prefer to me . but however , added he sighing , if it be your pleasure that my rival should live happy in your favour , i will forego all attempts upon him , and only revenge your unkindness upon my self by some cruel and suddain death . don carlos , answered i , will you join with an unjust father , and a hated lover to torment me , and do you impute that to me for a crime , which is only a misfortune common to us both ? pity me , added i , instead of accusing me , and bethink of means to preserve me yours , rather than reproach me with a fault i am no ways guilty of . i believe i may have better reason to reflect on you for not having sufficiently loved me , since i find you have not yet sufficiently known me . but we have no time to lose in vain words , continu'd i , carry me whither you please , for you shall always find me disposed to follow you . at these words , don carlos , was more transported with joy than he had been before depressed with grief ; and therefore having beg'd my pardon for the injustice he had done me , he proposed to fetch me away the night following . for this purpose he spent all that day in ordering his affairs . he got together a good sum of money , and hired a barcelona vessel which would be ready to put to sea at what time he desired : for my part , young as i was , i had wit to manage the secret so well , that no body ever so much as mistrusted us . i got all my mothers jewells , and scrap'd up what money i could get . at the hour appointed carlos's his page claudio , waited for me at the gate . he told me that his master had sent him to conduct me on board , and that he could not come himself , for reasons he would satisfie me in when he saw me . at the same time came a slave that belong'd to don carlos , and who was likewise very well known to me , to accompany me . we got easily out of the city , by means of the good contrivance we had laid , and were not gone far before we saw a vessel riding in the harbour , whose boat waited for us on the shore . the seamen told me that my dear don carlos would come immediately , and that i had no more to do but to go into the boat. i was carried in by the slave , but had no sooner been set down , than i perceived the seamen forcing in claudio , whom i observed to be unwilling to enter . this encreased my concern for the absence of carlos , and thereupon i immediately demanded of the slave where he was . he surlily answer'd , that wherever he was he was no more for me . having said this he left me , and in a little while after , i heard claudio above upbraiding the slave after this manner . is it thus traitor amet that you perform your promise , to rid me of a rival , and leave me with my love ? to which the slave reply'd , imprudent claudia ! am i oblig'd to keep my word with you , when yuu have not scrupled to betray your master , and how could i expect you would be true to me , and not send the guards out after me to take my dear sophy from me , whom i love more than my life , when i have observ'd how villanously you have served both him and her ? these words spoken to a woman whom i took always for a man. and concerning matters which i knew nothing of , raised so fierce a discorder in me , that i fell dead for the present , in the arms of the perfidious moor. by that time my fit was over , our vessel had got a good way to sea. you can't imagine when i came to my self , what a confusion i was in , for then i plainly perceiv'd i was in the hands of moors , and enemies to our faith. i knew that the slave amet had all sort of authority , and that his brother zaide was captain of the vessel . amet no sooner saw me in a condition to hear him , but he made me a short declaration of his love , professing he had had a kindness for me a long time , and that his passion was the cause of his carrying me away . moreover that he design'd to carry me to fez , where it should be my own fault if i were not as happy , if not happier , than i could have been in spain . and lastly , he had the impudence to urge to me , that he did not doubt but in a short time i would have no reason to regret the loss of don carlos . i had scarce patience to hear him out , before i flew upon him with all the vigour and courage that my fit had left me , and by an address which i told you before i had learnt from my education snatching his scymitar out of the scabbard , i was going to punish his perjury with the loss of his life , had not his brother zaide timely stept in and provented me . i was presently disarm'd , for having once missed my blow i could not possibly defend my self against so great a number of enemies . amet , whom my unexpected attempt had frightned , commanded all but me to go out of the room , and afterwards followed himself . he left me in such a condition as you may imagine after so cruel a reverse had happen'd to my fortune . i spent all that night in tears , and the day following i nothing but greived and took on . time that generally alleviates other peoples misfortunes , had no effect upon mine . the second day was as uncomfortable to me as the first , or rather more tormenting , for when i reflected upon the never seeing don carlos more , how could i propose to my self any future consolation ? amet always found me so terrible whenever he offer'd to accost me , that he came no more near me . from time to time they brought me victuals to eat , but which i refused with that obstinacy , as made the moor to fear that he had brought me away to no purpose . in the mean time the ship had pass'd the streights , and was not far off the coasts of fez ; when claudio entring the room , assoon as i perceived him , i began with him after this manner . villain , said i , you have betray'd me , and what could induce you to so base an action after you had been so well used both by me and don carlos ? you were too well beloved , answer'd he , and since i lov'd don carlos likewise , what ill have i done in endeavouring to ●id my self of a rival ? but if i have betray'd you , added he , amet has also betray'd me , and i shall have as great reason to lament as you , if i do not think of some way not to remain alone miserable . ' explain these riddles , reply'd i , and learn me who you are , that i may know of what sex i have you for my enemy ? sophy , then continu'd he , i am of ●he same sex with you , and like you have been in love with don carlos ; but if our love has been equal , its success has been different ; he always lov'd you , and was ever in●linable ●o believe that you returned his passion , whilst me , he neither lov'd nor could think i loved him so dearly as i did , by reason that he never knew who i was . i am of valencia ●●ke you , and was not born so low but don carlos might have married me without disparagement ; but his mind was all set upon you , and you were the only object of his vows and wishes . it was not but i endeavoured to make my eyes save the labour of my tongue , and take the shameful confession of my love upon them . i always laid my self in his way and used all those little artifices that he would have done to captivate me , had it been his own case . i might have often disposed of my self in marriage to advantage , had not the hopes i had of one day winning him over always prevented my fortune ; insomuch that instead of being discourag'd at his repulse , i found them a means to love him the more . at length , being resolv'd to neglect nothin that might serve to bring him about , i put my self into mans apparel , and cut my hair , and so disguiz'd caus'd my self to be presented to don carlos for a page by an old woman , who told him that my father was a poor gentleman , that lived upon the mountains of toledo . my face and meen it seems pleased your lover so well , that he presently resolv'd to take me . he was as well satisfied with my wit as pleased with my voice and manner of singing , as likewise with my skill in playing on all sorts of instruments that persons of quality are wont to divert themselves with . he believed he had met with qualifications in me that were not to be commonly found in pages ; and i gave him so many proofs of my fidelity and discretion that he treated me more like his friend and confident than servant . this you are able to tostific better than any person breathing ; and you know besides , how often you have commended me to carlos , both behind my back and to my face , and likewise done me several other good offices with him , but i was mad to think that i must be indebted for all these to a rival , and that at the same time that they render'd me more agreeable to don carlos , they made you more hateful to the unfortunate claudia , ( for so is my true name . ) in the mean time your marriage advanc'd and my hopes went back ; but assoon as it was concluded they went utterly lost . the italian count who became about that time in love with you . and whose quality and estate gain'd as much upon your father , as his bad mien and conditions lost him in your esteem , gave me nevertheless the pleasure to see you disturb'd and which caused me to flatter my self with those foolish hopes which change always offer● to the unhappy . at last your father preferr'd the stranger whom you loved not , to don carlos , whom you loved , and i had then the satisfaction to see one that made me unfortunate unfortunate himself , and my rival that i hated , yet more unhappy . my pleasure was only augmented when i confider'd that i lost nothing in him , because he never was mine , but that you were depriv'd of all in losing him , by reason that he was all yours . but this imaginery happiness of mine , or to call it better , unfinish'd hope , lasted not long . i learnt from don carlos , that you were resolved to go away with him , and i was employ'd for that purpose to hire s ship to carry you to barcelona from whence you were to go , either to france or italy , i can't tell which . all the force i had hitherto made use of to support me in my misfortunes , forsook me at this moment , i could now bear against the torrent of my unhappy fate no longer , and therefore was forced to yield to it . my griefs upon this occasion were so great that they made me downright sick , and caused me to keep my bed. one day as i was lamenting my hard usage to my self , and speaking louder than ordinary , out of a confidence that i was not over-heard , the moor amet appear'd before me , who after he had suffer'd me to recover out of the surprize he had occasion'd in me . address'd himself to me in these words . i have known you claudia , even before the time that you disguiz'd your sex to become page to don carlos , and if i have all this while conceal'd that knowledge from you , it was because i had a design to bring about as well as you . i have overheard you enter into resolutions of despair . you have a mind to discover your self to your master for a young woman that dies for love of him , and afterwards to kill your self in his presence , whereby you think to incline his pity , where you cannot otherwise engage his heart . poor girl ! what advantage wilt thou get by killing thy self , but assuring the possession of carlos the firmer to thy rival ? i have beter advice to give thee , if thou hast courage enough to take it . deprive thy lover of sophia ; the means of accomplishing it are easy ; and tho' it requires a good deal of resolution , yet has it occasion for no more than thou hast already had to habit thy self like a man , and thereby to hazard thy honour to content thy love. hearken to me then with attention , continued the moor , and i will reveal to thee a secret which i have never yet discover'd to any person , and if the proposal i am about to make thee be disapprov'd . thou art at liberty either to receive or reject it . i am of fez , pursued he , and a man of quality in my own country . my misfortunes made me a slave to don carlos , and the beauty of sophia made me the like to her . i have told you a great deal of matter in few words . consider your own unhappiness without remedy if you suffer your lover to carry off your mistriss to barcelona it is both yours and my interest to prevent it , therefore let us lay hold on the occasion that offers . i have bargain'd for my ransom , and have paid it . a galliot from africa waits for me in the road , not far off that which don carlos has provided for the execution of his design . he has put it off for a day longer , therefore let us interpose our project to carry her away before him , in the aforesaid galliot . in order to accomplish which , do you go immediately to sophia , as from your master , and let her know that he requires that she should depart this night . for this purpose bring her away forthwith to my vessel , and i will carry her to africa ; whereby you will remain behind alone , to possess your lover , and who 't is very likely will be inclin'd to favour your passion , when he understands what you are , how well you love him , and moreover , that the recovery of his sophia is impracticable . at these last words of claudias , continues sophia , i became all of a sudden so oppress'd with grief , that i fainted away , and had scarce the least sign of life left . the cries that claudia made for help , who it may be now repented of what she had told me , brought amet and his brother into the room . they made use of all the means that were proper to recover me , when coming at length to my self , i heard claudia still persisting to reproach amet with his treachery . infidel , said she to him , how could you have the baseness both to betray me , and to bring this lady to the deplorable condition you see her in ? or , how could you have the heart to make me guilty of treachery to the man i lov'd so dearly ? how dare you report your self to be nobly born , when you are one of the very worst of men ? peace fool ! reply'd amet , and do not accuse me of a crime to which you your self were accessory . i have told you before , that one that could betray a master like yours , well deserves to be betray'd her self . i have proposed to carry you along with me , both to secure my own life , and to prolong that of my dear sophia , for i could easily guess what tortures she must necessarily have undergone had you remined behind with her lover discover'd . the noise the seamen made at their entrance into the port of sally , and the thundring of the cannon , as well from the vessel as the castle , interrupted any farther reproaches between amet and claudia , and at the same time deliverd me from the sight of those two odious objects . we landed , claudia and i havaing our faces all cover'd with vails , and were lodg'd in a house of a friends of the perfidious amets . the next day we were put into a close chariot and carried in that manner to fez , where if amet was overjoy'd at the sight of his relations and friends ' i was no less afflicted and tormented at my fate . as for claudia , she was resolved to make her self easy , for she quickly turn'd mahometan , and married in a little time to zaide , brother of the faithless amet , this wicked woman em●loy'd all her cunning to persuade me to change my religion likewise , and to marry with amet , as she had done with zaide , but i thank heaven , i still persisted in my constancy , both to my first faith , and my first love. this caused amet and his friends to use me with all manner of ill treatment ; but at last i was inclinable to believe that claudia was not quite so bad as she seem'd . in publick she persecuted me indeed as much or rather more than the rest , but in private she woul'd ever now and then do me a good turn . one day when all the other women were gone to the publick baths , which you know 't is a custom amongst you mahometans to do so many times a week , claudia came to me in my chamber , and with a sorrowful countenance accosted me in the following manner . fair sophia , said she , whatever occasion i have hitherto has to bear you ill will is now an end , by reason of my despair ever to possess him who loved me too little , because he loved you too much . i condemn my self incessantly for having been the means of making you miserable ; but more especially for having abandon'd my god , out of the fear of men , ●he least of which remorses is sufficient to make me undertake something unusual to my sex. i can no longer live so remote from spain , and that especially among infidels , with whom i can neither expect health while i live , nor salvation when i come to die . you may judge of my sincere repentance by ●he secret i am going to trust you with , which makes you mi●●riss of my life , by putting it in your power to revenge the ●ll offices i have been forc'd to do you , whenever you please . the secret is this , having procured about fifty christian slave● , ●or the most part spaniards , i engag'd them to secrecy , and fur●●sh'd them with money sufficeint to hire a bark , wherewith 〈◊〉 transport us to spain . now you have nothing to do but 〈◊〉 follow my fortune , either to save your self , if the fates so ●ermit , or else to perish with me rather than to live miserably ●mong infidels . determine then quickly , sophia , continued she , ●hat you mean to do , and since we are alonge , let us presently 〈◊〉 upon deliberating on the most important action of our ●ives , hearing this proposal of claudia's i immediately threw my self at her feet , and judging of her sincerity by my own , i made her all manner of acknowledgements both in words and actions . pursuant to our project , we set a time and place for our flight , and which last , was to be behind some roch by the sea-side , where she told me the vessel lay waiting for us . on the day appointed we set out , happily as i thought , because we got so easily out of the house and city . i admir'd the goodness of heaven in favouring our escape with such facility , and more than once offer'd up my thanks in acknowledgment . but however , the end of my misfortunes was not so near as i thought . what claudia acted was only by order of the perfidious amet , than whom she yet more perfidiously led me to this abandon'd place , for no other reason than to expose me to the lust of that wicked moor , who durst not attempt any violence on me in his fathers house , who tho' a mahometan , was morally honest. i followed innocently her that thus guided me to ruin , and thought i could never make her sufficient acknowledgment for obliging me with 〈◊〉 fair a prospect of my liberty . we walked a good roun●● pace till we came among those rocks , where she still persisted to tell me that her slaves lay attending for her , when all of 〈◊〉 sudden , hearing a noise , and looking behind me , i perceive● the treacherous amet coming towards us full drive , with 〈◊〉 drawn scymitar in his hand . infamous slaves , cry'd he aloud is it thus that ye convey away your selves from your maste● service ? i was just going to answer him when claudia 〈◊〉 my arms behind , and amet throwing away his ●●●mitar , and joining with her , to do the like to me 〈◊〉 they both endeavour'd together to bind me with 〈◊〉 which they had provided for that purpose . having 〈◊〉 art and strength than women commonly have , i resisted 〈◊〉 some time the attempts of these two barbarous people ; 〈◊〉 at length finding my efforts o're power'd , i had no other ●●●medy than to have recourse to my cries , which i hop'd wo●●● induce some charitable traveller to come to my relief● was just upon the brink of despair as prince muley 〈◊〉 you have heard how he saved my honour , and i might 〈◊〉 my life , since i should infallibly have dy'd of grief , had 〈◊〉 succeeded in his brutish designs upon me . here , sophy ●●●ed the tedious relation of her adventures , and the frie● zoraide exhorted her to rely upon the prince's generosity , 〈◊〉 she doubted not would afford her speedy means to retur●● spain . the same day zoraide went and acquainted her ●●●●band with every particular she had heard from sophy , of●●● which , he consequently soon inform'd his master muley . 〈◊〉 tho' what had been told him concerning the fortune of the christian , did not at all flatter his passion ; yet was muley●● vertheless pleased to hear she was pre-engag'd in affect●● that he might thereby avoid the baseness of tempting her . he highly valued her for her vertue , and was dispos'd by his own to encourage and assist her in the continuance of it ; hereupon he dispatch'd zoraide to let her know , that he would send her back to spain assoon as ever she pleas'd ; but not caring to trust to the frailty of his nature , he had at the same time resolv'd to keep as much out of her sight as he could . sophy for her part was employ'd in thinking how to make her return as secure as possible . she doubted if she should meet a christian ship , which was nevertheless very difficult for her to do , by reason that few or none traded hither , whether she should not find as bad men on board it as she had done before among the moors . sincerity is seldom observ'd on board vessels , and good faith minded as little among seamen as amongst soldiers . wherever innocence and beauty are met together impudence will always take an occasion to invade them . whilst she was thus debating with her self , zoraide advis'd her to take the habit of a man , and the rather , because her shape was proper for that purpose : she told her also that it was muley's pleasure that she should do so , and who not being able to find a man in fez with whom he could safely entrust her , had provided a companion for her of her own sex , who was to be disguiz'd likewise , whereby they might both easily avoid the insolence of the seamen and passengers , if any were that way inclin'd . this moorish prince had formerly purchaz'd a prize of a corsair of barbary . it was a ship that had belong'd to the governour of oran , which was carrying a spanish gentleman with his whole family into spain , and whom the governour had sent thither a prisoner out of some disgust . muley had been inform'd that this christian was a great hunter , and as that exercise was one of the choicest of his diversions , he was resolved to keep him to himself ; but for fear to make him uneasy , he order'd that he should not be separated from his wife , his son and daughter . in two years time that he liv'd in fez , in muley's service , he had taught that prince to shoot admirably well , and that either sitting or flying . he had moreover instructed him in several other ways of hunting unknown before to the moors , by these means in a short time he gain'd so far upon the princes favour , and became so serviceable to him in all his diversions , that when a ransom was offer'd for him , he would by no means consent to part with him , but rather made it his daily endeavour to oblige him , and make him forget spain . notwithstanding this kindness of the prince , the regret he had to be out of his own country , and the unlikelihood of ever returning again , brought so deep a melancholy upon him , that it soon ended his days . his wife likewise languish'd on the same account and lived not long after her husband . when muley saw how fatal his favours to these strangers had been , he began to be touched with remorse and was exceeding sorry that he had not comply'd with their desires ; but since it was now too late , he resolv'd to reward the good services of his sportsman to his children , and for that purpose , immediately sent for them into his presence . the daughter , whose name was dorothy , was about the same age with sophy , and had both wit and beauty . her brother nam'd sancho , was younger , being not above fifteen ; both were made choice of by muley to accompany sophy to spain . the affair for some time was kept secret ; three spanish habits for men were order'd to be got ready in the mean time . at length muley display'd his magnificence in a great quantity of precious stones , which he gave to sophy . to dorothy and sancho likewise he made several noble presents , which together with what their father had left them , and which had been all obtain'd from the liberality of this prince , made them to be considerably rich. about the same time charles v. made war upon africa , and had besieg'd the city of tunis . he had sent an ambassador to muley , to treat about the ransom of certain spaniards of quality , who had been shipwrack'd on the coasts of morocco . it was to this ambassador that muley recommended sophy , under the name of a man of quality , called don fernando , dorothy and her brother were said to be his attendants , one passing for his gentleman , and the other for his page . sophy and zoraide could not part without the greatest reluctance . they shed abundance of tears , and gave each other unquestonable proofs of a reciprocal affection . zoraide as a farther token of her love and esteem , presented the fair christian with a necklace of pearl , of that great value that she would by no means have excepted it , had not zulema , who lov'd her no less than his wife , acquainted her that they should take it very unkindly if she refus'd what they tender'd only as a pledge of their friendship . zoraide made sophy promise to let them know from time to time how she did , either by the way of tangier , oran , or the other places which the emperour then possess'd in africa . the christian ambassador embark'd at sal●y , carrying along with him sophy , whom from henceforward we must call don fernando . before he proceeded on his voyage to spain , he was to go to wait on the emperour at his camp before tunis . our spanish lady in masquerade was to be presented to him for a gentleman of andalousia , who had been a long time a slave to the prince of morocco she had no such great reason to be in love with her life as to fear to hazard it in the wars , and therefore since she had took upon her the character of a cavalier , she was oblig'd to go upon all actions that honour called her to . for this purpose she placed her self among the volunteers , resolving to lose no occasion to signalize her self , and which she often did to that degree , that her valour came at length to the emperour's ear. she happen'd to be in one action , above the rest , wherein the emperour was unhorsed , and the christians like to be beaten . this our valiant amazon perceiving , by a performance scarce to be believed , she immediately remounted the emperour , and laid about her with that conduct and vigour , that she almost opposed the whole force of the enemy , till such time as the routed army had rallied , and were come up to her relief . this wonderful action of hers , did not go without its reward . the emperour in recompence presented to the unknown don fernando , a commandery of great revenue , as likewise a regiment of horse , which had belonged to a spanish colonel killed in the late fight ; he also gave him the equipage of a man of quality , and from that very time none were so much esteem'd of in the army as this valiant lady . all the actions of a man were natural to her . her countenance was so good , and made her appear to be so young ; her courage and conduct were so far beyond her years ; her wit was so charming and entertaining , that there was not one man of quality , or officer in the whole army , but who either sought her friendship and acquaintance , or humbly declin'd aspiring to it as unworthy . it must not be wondred at then , since all the world spoke so much for her , and yet more her renown'd actions , if she came to be so much in favour with her prince . about this time divers recruits of men and amunition arriv'd from spain . the emperour would have them all drawn up by themselves , that he might have a view of them , with the principal officers of the army , amongst whom was our female warriour . among these new come soldiers she fancied she had espy'd don carlos , and as it happen'd she was not deceiv'd . this made her to be uneasy all the remainder of that day . she sent out often to look after him , but could not find him , by reason he had changed his name . when night came , she could not sleep a wink , and therefore rise by day-break to go in search of her dear lover , who had cost her so many tears . at length she found him , but was not known by him , by reason she was grown taller , and had besides her complexion much alter'd by the scorching heats of africa . she made him believe she took him for another of her acquaintance , and began to ask him news from seville , as likewise concerning an imaginary person that came first into her head. he told her he knew no such person , was never at seville , and that he was born and liv'd in valencia . you are nevertheless much like a person that i knew and had a great esteem for , reply'd sophy , and therefore you must give me leave to be ranked in the number of your frieds . with all my hear , answer'd don carlos , and for the same reason you urge , i must beg the like liberty from you as you have done of me , for you no less resemble a person i loved long since , and do still love ; you have the same visage and voice , but you are not of the same sex , and certainly you cannot be of the same humour , added he sighing . at these last words of carlos , sophy could not forbear blushing , which he nevertheless took no notice of , by reason that he then had his eyes over charged with tears , which hindred his observing her change of countenance . this extraordinary tenderness of carlos mov'd her so extremely that she was ready to discover her self , to prevent which at that time , she desired him to come visit her in her tent , and bid him to enquire for don fernando . at the hearing of this name don carlos began immediately to be affraid , well knowing what honours the emperour had done that person , and fearing he might not have shew'd him sufficient respect . he met with little difficulty in finding the tent , for it was but what every body could direct him to . he was there received with all the civility that a private gentleman could expect from a general officer . he again discover'd the countenance of sophy in that of don fernando , but was more amazingly surpriz'd at the resemblance of their voices , which immediately sunk into his soul , and brought to his remembrance the idea of the person in the world that he lov'd best . sophy yet unknown to her lover , made him to dine with her , and after dinner commanding her domesticks to retire , and giving orders that she would be seen by no more visiters , she caus'd him to tell her over again that he was of valencia , and afterwards occasion'd him to relate all the adventures that had happen'd between him and her , which to be sure she knew as well as he , from their first acquaintance to the time of his contrivance for carrying her away . would you believe , quoth don carlos , that a woman of her quality , who had received so many proofs of my love , and return'd me reciprocally as many of hers , could yet be so void of sense or honour to prefer a young page , who had little or nothing to boast of , to his master ? but are you sure of what you say ? reply'd sophy ; chance often controuls our designs , and oftener takes pleasure to confound our reasoning with events the least expected . your mistriss may have been forc'd to leave you , continu'd she and is , it may be , more unfortunate than blamable . would to god , answer'd don carlos , that i could in the least doubt of her guilt ! all the misfortunes which i have hitherto undergone on her account would be easy to me , could i but believe her still faithful . but alass ! she is only so to the traytor claudio , and pretended an affection to don carlos but to ruin him . it seems to me , reply'd sophy , that you could but have little kindness for her , since you can thus condemn her unheard . can i have greater proofs of her baseness , cry'd don carlos , than appears by a letter she sent her father the night she went off ; whereby i suppose she thought to take away all suspicion of her going away with the page . but to the end you may be the better iudge of it , added he , i have the letter to shew ; then he read the letter , which was in the following words . the letter . you ought not , sir , to forbid my loving don carlos , since you had once commanded me to do it . a desert so great as he has to pretend to , must needs captivate the wariest heart ; and where so much worth and merit reigns , interest must not think to get place . i fly then away with him whom you have thought fit i should love from my youth upwards , and without whom it is as impossible for me to live , as it would be not to greive my self to death in the arms of a stranger i hate , altho' he were yet richer than he boasts himself to be . our crime therefore , if any , deserves at least your pardon , which if you are dispos'd to afford us , we will return as willingly to receive as we have shewn disposition to retreat from the unjust violence you would do us . sophia . you may imagine , proceeded carlos , what a hurricane this raised in the old peoples breasts . they hop'd i was either yet in valencia conceal'd with their daughter , or else that i was not far off from it , they kept their loss a secret to every body but the vice-roy , who was their relation . i was surpriz'd to find the constable and his mirmidons enter my chamber at day-break , rudely asking me for sophy , and whom i having demanded the same question of , they immediately hurried me away in a violent manner to prison . i was question'd , and yet could say nothing in my defence concerning sophy's letter ; it thereby appear'd that i was to carry her away , but it was likewise manifest that my page disappear'd also . sophy's relations made all imaginable search after her , and my friends did what they could to find whither the page had carry'd her , which they were certain he must have done somewhither . at length it being found impossible to meet with either one or th' other , which was the only thing that could have clear'd my innocence , i was accused by my enemies of murdering both . hereupon i had notice given me that i must soon come to my trial , and that if i escap'd it was more than any body expected . i knew the home-proofs they had against me , and hop'd only for a miracle from heaven to acquit me ; but at last despair got the upper-hand , and my hopes consequently vanish'd . i resolv'd therefore , not caring to trust my deliverance to the course of justice , to join with some highway-men , my fellow prisoners , in the execution of a design they had laid to procure it for us all . accordingly we one night forc'd the gates of our prison , and by the assistance of our friends , got to the mountains that were nearest valencia , before the vice-roy could possibly be inform'd of our escapes . we here continued a long time masters of the roads . my sophy's infidelity , and her parents merciless prosecution , together with the loss of my estate and reputation , made me so desperate , that i car'd not at what rate i hazarded my life , and therefore in all cases of resistance i behav'd my self with so great resolution , that my companions thought fit to chuse me for their captain . i continued in this post so succesful for some time , that our troop became formidable even to the kingdoms of arragon and valencia , which countries we were so bold as to put under contribution . i herein make you acquainted , continu'd carlos to sophy , with a secret that concerns my life , but the honour you have done me of your friendship , and the opinion i have of your integrity , makes me not to doubt in the least of my security . at length , proceeded he , i was weary of this wicked course of life , and forsook my companions at a time when they least expected it . i made my way for barcelona , where i listed a private trooper in the recruits that were just then raising for africa . i had hitherto had no grreat reason to be in love with life , and therefore having made so ill use of it as to infest my country . i thought i could not do better than to employ the remainder of my days in its service , and more especially seeing the kindness i have received at your hands , has been the only comfort i have had since i have been made the most miserable of men , by the most ungrateful woman in the world. the unknown sophy , hereupon took the part of sophy unjustly accus'd , and omitted nothing to persuade her lover against passing rash judgments on his mistriss , before he was thorowly inform'd of her crime . she told the unfortunate gentleman moreover , that she was very sensible of his misfortunes , and would do all that lay in her power to alleviate them ; and to give him a better proof of her good will , than what lay in words , she desired of him to come and be with her , and that assoon as occasion serv'd , she would employ all her own and her friends interest with the emperour , to get him deliver'd from the prosecution of sophy's parents , as likewise from that of the vice-roy of valencia . don carlos was not at all mov'd with what the counterfeit don fernando could say to him concerning the justification of sophy , but to accept of the offers of his table and house he was . the same day this faithful lover spoke to don carlos's captain to permit him to come and serve under him , i should have said , her . now was our lover under the command of his mistriss , whom he took to be either dead or faithless . he was very easy from the begining under this new commander , and would often wonder how he came to be so much in her favour in so short a time . he was at once her intendant , secretary , gentleman and confident . the other domesticks paid not a greater respect even to don fernando himself than they did to him , and he would no doubt have been exceeding happy had not the lost sophy the treacherous sophy , come so often into his mind . whatever kindness sophy had for him , she always took a great deal of pleasure to see him griev'd , not doubting but it was upon her account . at last she had justified sophy so often , and sometimes with that heat , that don carlos came to suspect that she had either been formerly her lover , or was so still . these wars in africa ended , as you may read in the history . these emperour afterwards made them in germany , italy , flanders , and other places . our experienc'd she-warriour , under the name of fernando , still kept up , or rather encreas'd her reputation for courage and conduct , tho' the last of these qualities be seldom to be met with in a person so young as this valiant lady's sex made her to appear . the emperour was oblig'd to go into flanders , and for that purpose demanded leave of the king of france to pass through his dominions . the great king that then reign'd in that country , had a mind to excel in generosity a mortal enemy , who had always surmounted him in fortune , tho' he had not made the best use of it . charles v. was received in paris with as great magnificence as if he had been king himself . the brave don fernando was one of the small number of persons of quality that attended him , and 't is more than likely , that if he had continued long at that court , this fair spanish lady , being taken for a man , would have enamour'd all the french ladies , and raised jealousie in the most accomplish'd of courtiers . while this happen'd , the vice-roy of valencia died in spain . don fernando through his great merit and interest with the emperour , doubted not but he should quickly obtain that charge , and as he thought , so it soon after fell out , for he had no sooner ask'd than he had it given him , without the least opposition from any competitor . this his good success he immediately thought fitting to acquaint don carlos with , and at the same time gave him reason to hope , that assoon as he was gotten into possession of his new employment , he would not only reconcile him with sophy's relations , and procure him pardon of the emperour , for having been chief of the vandoleros , highway-men , but likewise undertake to restore him to his lands and estate . don carlos might very well have receiv'd comfort from these promises of his friend , had not his love made him uncapable of it . the emperour soon after arriv'd in spain , and went directly to madrid , while don fernando made what hast he could to his new government . from the very day after his arrival in valencia , sophy's friends continually pester'd him with petitions against don carlos , who at the same time was both his steward and secretary . the vice-roy promis'd to do them speedy justice , but at the same time let carlos privately know , that he would not fail to protect his innocence . the cause was quickly prepar'd for hearing , and in five or six days time both parties were ready to go to tryal . the prosecutor demanded of the vice-roy that the supposed criminal might be sent to prison , but which don fernando would not nevertheless consent to , giving instead thereof , his word , that he should not stir out of his house till the day assign'd for the tryal came . the night before that fatal day which kept the whole city of valencia in suspence , don carlos desir'd a private audience of the vice-roy , and which being granted , he threw himself at his feet , and broke out into the following words . 'to morrow my lord , quoth he , you will be able to let the world know that i am innocent ; and altho' some of the witnesses that you have already heard in my defence , clear me absolutely of the crime ; yet i do here presume to swear once more to your highness , as religiously as i would do before god at the sacred altar , that i not only have not carry'd away sophy , as my adversaries maliciously alledge against me , but likewise did not lay eyes on her from the day before she was so carried away , and have never heard the least news of her since . i own i was to have carried her away , continued he , had not a misfortune too obscure for me to unriddle prevented me in that design . enough , don carlos , reply'd the vice-roy , go to bed and take your rest ; i am both your master and friend , and perhaps am better inform'd of your innocence than you can imagine . you are come along with me from africa under my protection , and i will not fail to defend and clear you against all your enemies in this matter . don carlos after having return'd his most-hearty thanks to so obliging a master , went to bed , but could not sleep for thinking on what was to ensue . he got up by day-break , and dressing himself more gallant than ordinary , went to wait on the vice-roy at his levée ; but i should mistake if i told you that he entred the chamber before she was drest . the before mentiond dorothy that came with her disguiz'd from fez , still continu'd to be her confidente and companion , and did those offices for her , which if another had done , she must have quickly been discover'd . don carlos therefore gained not admittance till dorothy had set open the door , as well to him as any body else . the vice-roy no sooner perceiv'd him than he began to reproach him with rising so early , alleging that his not sleeping was no great token of his innocence . to which don carlos , being a little disturb'd , reply'd , that the fear of being convicted did not so much hinder him from sleeping , as the hopes he had of soon seeing himself deliver'd by the justice his highness would do him . ' but you are mighty spruce and gallant , quoth the vice-roy ; nay , seem indifferent even on the day that you are to be try'd for your life . i know not what to think of the crime you are accus'd of . as often as we discourse of sophy , you seem more negligent and unconcern'd than i , who am no party , nor ever have been suspected to have been belov'd by her , nor to have made away with her and possibly the young claudia likewise , as you have been . you say you have lov'd her , continu'd the vice-roy , and yet you survive the loss of her , and endeavour nothing so much as to get your self acquitted , that you may forget her , and live at ease ; you that ought rather to hate life , and destroy those very charms that have render'd you so aimable to her . ah! inconstant don carlos , proceeded he , it may well be suspected that you have some other love to supply the place of soply you have been so much oblig'd to . at these words don carlos in a great agony was going to answer , but which the vice-roy not thinking fit to hear , interrupted him in , and with a severe countenance said to him , hold your peace , and reserve that eloquence which you are about to make use of here for your judges . as for my part i shall give little ear to it , and i will not for the sake of one of my servants , let the emperour have reason to have an ill opinion of my justice . in the mean time , continued he , turning towards his guards , let some one of you secure his person . i should indeed be very imprudent , added he , to believe that one who had broke prison would not seek to avoid justice by his flight . this said , don carlos's sword was immediately seiz'd , which rais'd a great deal of pity in the standers by , to observe what a sudden change of fortune he had undergone . while the poor gentleman was repenting of confiding too much in great mens favours , his judges entred the chamber , and took their places after the vice-roy had seated himself . the italian count who yet continued at valencia , together with sophy's father and mother , appear'd against him , and produc'd their witnesses , whilst carlos was almost ready to despair of his cause , and had scarce the courage to answer . they alleg'd the letters that he had formerly writ to sophy , and prov'd his hand ; they he had formerly writ to sophy's servants with him , and lastly they produc'd against him the letter which she had written to her father the night before the day on which they pretended he had carried her away . carlos caus'd his servants to be heard likewise , who swore that they saw their master go to bed ; but then he might have risen again afterwards , which they could give no account of . in his defence he said , that it was not likely that he should carry her away to live separate from her , and much less that he would murther one whom he had always lov'd so dearly . but all this avail'd him not , for sentence was just going to be pronounc'd against him when the vice-roy commanding him to be brought nearer him , said to him , unfortunate don carlos ! you may well think from all the tokens of friendship i have shew'd you , that if i had in the least suspected you had been guilty of the crime you were accus'd of , i would never have brought you to valencia . but now , after what has been so plainly prov'd against you , i am more than oblig'd to condemn you if i would not begin the execution of my office by injustice . you may easily be convinc'd of my concern for you by the tears that unavoidably come into my eyes . if your prosecutors were not of that quality they are of , i might be inclinable to think they were byassed by malice , but as they are , there are no exceptions to be made to them , and therefore if sophia does not appear suddenly her self to release you , i am to give you notice that you must prepare for death . carlos despairing at these words to be saved , threw himself at the vice-roys feet , and after some time , said to him , you may remember , my lord , that all the while i have had the honour to serve your highness both in africa and here , as often as you have engag'd me in the tedious recital of my misfortunes , i have always told them after the same manner , and you may likewise be assur'd that what i have told you , that have been so good a master to me , i would scorn to deny afterwards before any iudge . i have all along told your highness the truth as i would have done to my god , and therefore i shall not stick to repeat what i have so often profess'd , that i not only ever have , but also ever shall to my lives end love and adore sophy . what say you ? interrupted the vice-roy , with concern in his countenance ) do you pretend to adore her ? i do , reply'd don carlos , not a little surpriz'd at the manner of the question , and have not only promiss'd to marry her , but likewise to carry her off to barcelona . but if i have carried her away , or know where she is at present , may i be put to the cruellest of deaths . as for dying , continued he , i know it is impossible for me now to escape it , but i shall nevertheless dye innocent , if it be not a crime to have lov'd so faithfully , so persidious and inconstant a woman . but cry'd the vice-roy , with a stern countenance , what is become of this woman and your page ? are they mounted up to heaven ? are they conceal'd in the earth ? or whether are they gone ? the page , answer'd don carlos , was a spruce gallant , and she a fine lady ; he was a man and she a woman . ah traytor ! reply'd the vice-roy , now you discover your base suspicions , and the small esteem you entertain'd for the unfortunatd sophy . curs'd be that woman continued he , that confides in the promises of men , and suffers her self to be abus'd by too easy a belief . neither was sophy a woman of common vertue , added he , nor your page claudio a man. sophy was a constant maid , and your page a ruin'd woman that had been in love with you , and consequently stole away and betray'd her as a rival to her , i am sophy , unjust and ungrateful lover ! proceeded he , i am sophy who have undergone incredible hazards and hardships on the account of a man that deserves not to be so well belov'd , since he could think me guilty of the very worst of treacheries . sophy found it not in her power to say any more . her father immediately knew her , and catch'd her up into his arms , her mother swoon'd away on one side , and her lover don carlos on the other . she soon disengag'd herself from her fathers embraces , to run to the two that were fainted away , and who coming quickly to themselves , she was in doubt which to embrace first . her mother all bedew'd her cheeks with tears , and she return'd the like . she embrac'd her dear , don carlos , with all the passion imaginable , and who was like to have swoon'd away again with the excess of it . he nevertheless held her fast , and not yet daring to approach her lips , he endeavour'd to satisfie himself on her hands , both which be kissed above a thousand and a thousand times sophy was scarce able to withstand all the kindnesses and complements made her . the italian count on his part going to profer his , still insisted on his former pretensions to her , as being promis'd him both by her father and mother ; this don carlos hearing , and having at the same time one of her hands greedily kissing at his mouth , he instantly quitted it , and laying his hand on his sword , which had been just then brought him , he put himself into a posture enough to have frighted an army , and swore that rather than suffer himself to be depriv'd of his dear sophy , provided she would still continue to love him , he would hew down the city of valencia , and bury its inhabitants in its ruins . she on her part declared she would have no other husband but her dear carlos , and therefore conjur'd both her father and mother either to resolve to approve of him , or to expect to see their only daughter speedily cloyster'd up in a convent . her parents hereupon soon gave her liberty to make choice of what husband she pleas'd , which the italian count perceiving he immediately took post and rid away for italy . sophy afterwards gave an account of all her adventures , which being so very extraordinary , were admir'd at by every body . a courier was soon after dispatch'd to carry the news of this wonderful discovery to the emperour , who thereupon sent orders that don carlos , after he had married sophy , should be invested with the vice-royship of valencia ; and moreover as a recompence for all the great services his lady had perform'd under the name of don fernando , he gave to this happy lover a principality , which his heirs enjoy to this day . the city of valencia was at the charge of the wedding , which was perform'd with all the magnificence and splendour imaginable , and dorothy who had resum'd her female habit much about the same time with sophy , was married not long after her to a near relation of don carlor's . chap. xv. a matchless piece of impudence in the sieur de la rappiniere . the councellor of rennes had just done reading his novel , when la rappiniere arriv'd at the inn. he entred the room boldly , where he had been told monsieur de la garrouffiere was , but assoon as he perceiv'd destiny standing in a corner , both he and his man that came along with him began visibly to change their countenances . la garrouffiere after having shut the door , demanded of the bold la rappiniere if he could not guess upon what account he was sent for , is it not upon account of a comedian , reply'd the villain laughing , whom i had a mind to have my share of ? how do you mean your share , answer'd la garouffiere with a serious countenance , does it become a iudge as you are to talk after that rate ? and did you ever yet condemn a person to be hang'd that deserv'd it more than your self ? la rappiniere continu'd to turn the thing to ridicule , and would needs make it pass for the act of a good companion . but the senator urg'd it so home to him , and after so severe a manner , that he at last forc'd him to confess that it was an ill action , and for which he immediately made some trifling excuses to destiny , who notwithstanding could scarce forbear calling him to an account for offending him so basely , after he had been oblig'd to him for his life , as you may find he had been in the beginning of these comical adventures . but destiny had another quarrel to debate with this wicked provost of greater consequence , which he had communicated to monsieur de la garrouffiere , and who had promis'd to make him give him satisfaction . whatever pains i have taken to dive into la rappiniere , i could never yet discover whether he were more wicked towards god , or towards man ; more unjust to his neighbour , or more vicious in himself . i know only this to be true , that never any man had more vices heap'd up together , nor in a more eminent degree than he . he confest he had had a design to carry away madam star as boldly as if he had reason to boast of a good action , and farther , he impudently told the councellor and the comedian , that he never in the least doubted of the success of that enterprize , for , continued he , addressing himself to destiny , i had gained over your man , and your sister , thinking you were wounded , was so conveniently caught in the trap , in expectation to find you not above two leagues from the place where i waited for her , that i had certainly had her , had not the sot that conducted her suffer'd some devil or other to take her from him , whereby i lost a good horse , and he got a good beating . destiny at the hearing of this , at first grew pale with anger , but then presently blushed with shame to hear a villain tell him that with indifferency which he ought to have done with the greatest reluctancy and regret . la garrouffiere was greatly offended likewise , and was not less angry with so dangerous a man. i can't imagine , said ●he to him , how you could have the impudence to tell us the particulars of so base an action with so much unconcern ; for which monsieur destiny would have nevertheless rewarded you had not i interpos'd and hindred him . but i would advise you , continued he , to restore to him the box of diamonds you stole from him at paris , when you were a pick pocket rascal , or he may yet do it . doguin who was at that time your accomplice , and since your servant , confest to him on his death-bed , that you had it ; and i declare to you , added he , that if you do not speedily let him have it again , i will for the future prove as dangerous an enemy to you , as i have hitherto been a serviceable friend . la rappiniere at these words stood as if he had been thunder-struck , and had not power to deny any longer , according to his usual custom , what he had done . he own'd therefore , stammering like one that was confounded , that he had the box at mans , and swore horribly to return it upon demand . the use he made of oaths was out of policy to conceal the truth , for tho' it was true that he had the box , yet had he it not at mans , but carried it always about him , with design to have presented it to madam star , in case she rejected his amour . this he afterwards confest in private to monsieur de la garrouffiere , thinking thereby to regain his favour , and into whose hands he put the box and picture to dispose of as he thought fit . the picture was that of madam stars father , set round with diamonds , whose face it seems so much resembled hers , that she might be easily known to her father by it . destiny at the receipt of the picture , knew not how to thank monsieur de la garrouffiere sufficiently for it . when this box was taken away from destiny , he was not so much concern'd on his own account , as on that of madam stars mother , who had a long time kept it as a pledge of her husbands love. you may easily guess then what an excess of joy the recovery of it raised in them both . he for his part went immediately to acquaint his dear star with the news , and whom he found where he had left her in the curate of the town 's sister 's house , and in company with angelica and leander . they consulted together about their return to mans , and resolv'd upon it for the next day . monsieur de la garrouffiere proffer'd them a coach , which they would by no means accept of . the men and women-players supped with monsieur de la garrouffiere and his company that night . they afterwards went to bed betimes , and next morning by break of day destiny and leander took each of them their mistrisses behind them , and posted away to mans , whither ragotin , rancour and olive , had been gone before . monsieur de la garrouffiere proffer'd a great deal of service to destiny , on account of madam bouvillon , who had feign'd herself sicker than she was , on purpose that she might not be oblig'd to take leave of that comedian , whom she for the present was not at all pleas'd with . chap. xvi . ragotin's misfortune . the two comedians that return'd to mans with ragotin , were led out of their way by that little rascal , who would needs treat them at a small country house of his , which had been built proportionable to his size . altho' an exact historian now would think himself oblig'd to tell all the most important particulars of this mans life , and the places wherein they happen'd , yet shall not i be very certain in what part of our hemisphere this little hovel of ragotin's stood , whither he was carrying his brethren that were to be , being not yet admitted of their strolling order . it shall suffice then to informe you , that it was on this side the ganges , and not very far off from sillé le guillaume . when he had got thither he found his house filled with a company of gypsies , who in spite of his tenant had got into possession thereof , and that under pretence of their captains wife's being ready to lye in , when their truest reason was that they might have an opportunity to eat poultry gratis , at a farm so much out of the road. at his first coming ragotin began to be extremely angry , as little men soonest are , and threatn'd the gypsies with the provost of mans , to whom he said he was ally'd by having married a portail . then began he to read his auditors a long lecture on the validity of relation without being able at the same time to forbear immoderate swearing , which he often intermixt with his discourse . he threatned them likewise to complain to provost la rappinieres lieutenant , whose name alone was enough to make them tremble . but the gypsie-captain raised his passion beyond all patience when he began to complement him , and to tell him , that if he had before been acquainted with his quality , he should never have presum'd to have set foot so rashly within his castle , so the waggish varlet called this little house , which was only fortified with a wither'd hedge ; he added moreover , that his lady would soon be deliver'd , and then he would march away his troop with bag and bagage , but first would satisie his tenant for the dammage he and his men together with their horses had done him . ragotin was at his wits end to find that he could not reasonably pick a quarrel with this fellow , and that especially when he plainly perceiv'd himself abus'd by the many apish cringes made him : nevertheless , at last his choler was raised by the flegmatick gypsie , but then it was just at a time when rancour and the captains brother began to recollect being formerly acquainted , and who consequently embracing , soon soddered up the difference that was about to have proceeded to ragotins disadvantage . rancour then earnestly beg'd of his companion to be quiet , which he was inclinable to hearken to , and would have proffer'd of himself had not his natural pride push'd him on beyond his ability . in the mean time the gypsie-lady was brought to bed of a brave boy ; great was the joy in the little troop upon this occasion , and the captain thereof , as a token of his being reconciled to ragotin , invited both him and his company to supper , having already prepared a fricassée for their entertainment . they sat down to table , and had besides the fricassée some partridges and hares , which the gypsies had taken with their dogs , two young turkies , and as many pigs , which they had stolen , a westphalia-ham and several neats-tengues , which they had got by stratagem ; and lastly , they had a hare-pye , borrow'd of a baker , the crust of which was voraciously devour'd by five or six young gypsies that stood at their mothers elbows . add to all these another fricassée of pigeons which ragotin gave them , and you must confess they had chear enough . the guests , besides the comedians , were to the number of nine , all good dancers , and yet better thieves . they began their healths with that of the king and princes , and afterwards proceeded to remember those honest noblemen that suffer'd them to harbour within their jurisdictions . the captain propos'd to the comedians to drink to the memory of the deceas'd charles dodo , who was uncle to the lying-in-lady , and who had been hang'd during the siege of rochel , by the treachery of one captian la grave . every one began to curse that captain as a false brother , and at the same time rail'd heartily at all provosts . ragotin's wine in the mean while went about plentifully , but which had nevertheless this quality in it , that it occasion'd no quarrels among the guests , who even to the manhater rancour , were so extremely pleased with one another , that they complimented , and slobber'd , and kissed like so many beaux . ragotin for his part was resolv'd not to bring a scandal on his house by flinching , and therefore suck'd up his tipple like to any spunge . having drank all night one would have thought they should have been sit for sleep by sun-rising ; but it so happen'd that the same wine that made them so good friends the night before , had now inspir'd them with a spirit of separation . they resolv'd to part therefore , and the gypsies packing up their awls , not forgetting to him something here and there from their host the tenant , went one way , while the jolly landlord mounting his mule likewise rod another , and who being now as serious as he was before transported , took his journey directly towards mans , not minding in the least whether rancour or olive followed him or not , being wholly taken up with blowing a pipe of tobacco that had been smoak'd out above an hour before . he had not been gone above half a league , still sucking his empty pipe , which afforded him not one whiff of smoak , before the fumes of the wine began to seize his crown-office , and con●●quently soon caused him to tumble out of his saddle . assoon as the master was off , the mule thought she had nothing to do but to return from whence she came , and therefore instantly ●●sted back to her stable , while the poor ragotin , after having ●ndifferently unburden'd his surcharg'd stomack , fell into a profound sleep in the middle of the highway . he had not ●lept long , snoring however like a crackt organ-pipe , before a naked man , something resembling the picture of our first father , but extremely hairy , dirty and nasty , came up to him , and began presently to strip off his cloaths . this wild man took more than ordinary pains in drawing off ragotin's new boots , which i have told you somewhere before , in this true history , that his friend rancour claim'd as his , which one would have thought might have been sufficient to have awak'd him , had not he , as the saying is , been dead drunk ; but as he was , all this force had no other effect upon him , than to drag him bare-breech'd two or three rods together , from the place where he first lay . being thus unmercifully us'd , a knife by chance fell out of the sleepers pocket , which the wild fellow immediately seizing , as if he would have flead the scarce animate carcass , sell to ripping up his cloaths , shirt , boots and stockings , with whatever else he could not easily get off , and packing them up upon his back , fled away with them as swiftly as a wolf would have done with a lamb. leave we this man to run away with his spoil , he being the same that had formerly so terribly frighted destiny , while he was in pursuit of angelica , and let us return to assist ragotin , who yet continued asleep , tho' he ought by all means to be waked . altho ' his naked body had been for some time exposed to the scorching sun , and endured the stinging assaults of several sorts of insects , yet was it not possible to wake him , till some peasants came by rattling with a cart. they no sooner perceiv'd him but they all cry'd out , there he is , and afterwards coming up softly to him , as if they had been unwilling to disturb him they made sure of his legs and arms , and binding them fast with good strong cords , they took him up , so hamper'd , and canted him into their cart , which they immediatelye drove away with as much expedition as a lover would do a coach with a stolien heiress in it . ragotin was as ye● so damnably drunk , that neither the violence offer'd him , nor the excessive joulting of his caravan could possibly awake him , when the pealants all of a sudden driving on heedlesly , with a great deal of precipitation , overthrew at length both him and the cart in a huge slough of mire and water . the sudden cold●● he there felt , together with his bruizing by the stones , or som●● such like thing , as his fall , soon forc'd him to be sensible o●● what a condition he was in , and the being in that condition●● almost made him to run mad. he found himself bound bod●● hand and foot , and wallowing like david's sow in the mir●● he felt his head ake , as well upon account of his drunkennes●● as fall ; and lastly , he could not but extremely wonder to 〈◊〉 four country fellows lifting him up out of the water , whi●● as many were employ'd in dragging the cart out of the 〈◊〉 this adventure so exceedingly scar'd him , that he spoke 〈◊〉〈◊〉 word , tho' he was naturally a great talker , and had 〈◊〉 ●o much occasion as now , and a moment after he cou●● no● possibly have been heard had he spoke never so much , 〈◊〉 the carrers untying his legs only , without giving any reaso●● or observing any farther civility to him , immediately 〈◊〉 to drive their cart back to the place from whence they 〈◊〉 as violently as they had done it thither . the discreet read may perhaps have a desire to know what these fellows would have had with ragotin , and how they came to do nothing to him , but which i could not pretend to satisfie them in , had it not come to my knowledge by chance . a priest of the lower mayne , a little melancholly-mad , having been brought up to paris by a suit at law , during the time that his cause was preparing for a hearing , would needs spend his time in printing some whimsical fancies of his on the revelations . he was so exceeding fertile in chimeras , and always so fond of his last productions , that he still blotted out the former ; whereby his printers were forc'd to correct the same sheet at least twenty times over . this made them so mad , that for every sheet he was oblig'd to look out for a new printer , till a last he happen'd on the person that printed this present romance , wherein he chanced to light upon some leaves which mention'd this same adventure i have told you . this priest knew more of the story than i who writ it , having it seems been inform'd from the peasants own mouths who had carried away ragotin , what had been the occasion of their so doing , which i could not possibly have come to the knowledge of . he saw at first wherein my relation was defective , and acquainted my printer therewith , who was extremely surpriz'd at the information , thinking with others , that my romance had only been a fabulous story of my own invention . supposing it might be of some service to me to put me in the right , my printer desired him that he would come and give me a visit , which he readily consented to . then did i learn from this faithful mansean that the peasants who had bound ragotin while a sleep , were some of the nearest relations to the poor mad-man that run about the country , who had frighted destiny in the night , and stript ragotin in the day-time . they had , it seems , resolv'd among themselves to coop up their kinsman whenever they met him , and had made several attempts upon him for that purpose , but he still beat them and got from them , being a stout rugged fellow . some persons of a neighbouring village having espy'd ragotin lying naked in the sun , took him for the mad fellow lying a sleep , but daring not to come near him for fear of a beating , they gave notice to the country fellows his relations , who venturing to seize on him with all the caution before mention'd , took him without knowing who he was , and discovering afterwards their mistake , set his feet at liberty , but not his hands , for fear he might attempt something against them . these memoirs i had from this priest pleased me extremely ; and i must own , did me no ordinary service , but in return i thought i made him sufficient recompence by advising him not to procced any farther in the publishing of his ridiculous visionary comment . some readers perhaps will condemn me for having inserted this needless circumstance , and others it may be , at the same time , commend me for my sincerity . return we now to ragotin , his body all besmear'd and bruis'd , his mouth dry and gaping like to the parcht earth ; his head heavy and dull , and his arms pinion'd behind his back . he got up as well as he could , and having cast his eyes round him as far as he could see , and perceiving neither house nor man near him , he beat it on the hoof , taking to the nearest road he could find , and all the way racking his brains to find out the cause of his disaster . having his hands tied behind him he was not a little incommoded by several obstinate flies , that chose to fix on those parts of his body , which by reason of his being bound , he could not possibly reach , therefore he sound himself frequently oblig'd to lye all along upon the ground , whereby either to rub off or crush the troublelom vermine . at last he came to a hollow way , having a thick quick-set hedge on either side , and wherein a little purling stream run down to a neighbouring river . this gave him occasion to rejoice , hoping now to get clear of his mud and dirt , which hung in great plenty about him . coming near the ford he saw a coach which had been just then overturn'd and out of which the coachman and another fellow were hawling five or six nuns that had been well drench'd in the water . this piece of charity he perceiv'd to be perform'd at the earnest exhortations of a venerable prelate , who stood hard by looking on . among these nuns was the old abbess of estival , who was coming from mans , whither an affair of importance had called her . the abbess and nuns were no sooner drawn out of the coach , but they perceiv'd at a distance ragotin's naked figure marching towards them , whereat they were extremely asfrighted , and much more father giflot the discreet director of the abby . he caus'd the devout sisters to turn their faces hastily about , that they might not desile their eyes with so great impurities , and at the same time calling out aloud to ragotin commanded him not to approach any nearer at his peril . ragotin nevertheless kept onwards of his way , till at last coming to a long plank that had been laid a'cross the river for people to walk over , he was met in the middle thereof by father giflot , follow'd by the coach-man and peasant , who all doubted at first whether they were not best to exorcise him , his shape seeming to them diabolical . at length the father took courage , and demanded of him who he was ? whence he came ? how he came to be naked ? and lastly , what made him to have his hands tied behind him ? all which questions he asked with a great deal of gravity and decorum , which notwithstanding ragotin answer'd very saucily , requiring of the priest , what he had to do to ask him so many questions , and afterwards pressing to go forwards upon the plank , he push'd the reverend father so rudely , that he tumbled him over head and ears into the water ; the good priest drew in after him the coachman , and he in like manner the country man , all which ragotin perceiving , and being pleased at , immediately set up a great laughter . he afterwards held his way on towards the nuns , who cover'd their faces with their veils , and would by no means be seen by him . ragotin for his part was indifferent whether he saw their faces or not , and consequently went onward of his way , thinking speedily to get quit of his adventure , which nevertheless father gistot did not intend he should . he pursued him therefore close with the country-man and coach-man for his seconds , which last being naturally the most cholerick of the three , and besides put out of humour by the abbesses scolding at him , detach'd his body from the rest , and coming up to ragotin reveng'd himself with his whip on his hide , for the water he had bestow'd on his . ragotin durst not abide a second charge , and therefore immediately put himself into a posture to fly . he sled then like a dog with a bottle to his tail , while the incens'd coachman , not satisfied with a lash or two , gave him half a score more to encrease his speed , leaving at every stroak the characters of his wrath , imprinted in blood upon his breech , giflot tho' almost out of breath with running so swistly , had yet still enough left to cry out whip him , whip him soundly , which animated the coachman to redouble his stripes , and poor ragotin to encrease his speed , till at last a mill presented it self in his way as an asylum to save him . he ran in there with the executioner close at his heels , and finding the door of a little back-yard open , he entred in thereat in great haste , but which he had no sooner done , than he was caught by the buttocks by a mastiff dog. he thereupon began to shriek out most dolefully , and flying to an adjoining garden , with great precipitation , he happen'd to tumble down five or six hives of bees that stood just at his entrance . this prov'd much the worst of all his misfortunes , for these little wing'd enemies with their pointed stings assailing a naked body that had no arms to defend it , tormented and blister'd him most cruelly . he hereupon bawl'd out so loud that the dog that had bitten him was scar'd away for fear . the same cause drove away the coachman and father gislot , which last having given his revenge too great a loose , and kept his charity too strait lac'd , began to repent of his cruelty , and hasten'd immediately to call the master and his man to the assistance of the poor fellow , who was thus worried in the garden . the miller made no great haste , but nevertheless came at last , when snatching up ragotin from among his venemous enemies , tho' he might be a little displeased at the overthrow of his hives , yet had he nevertheless more charity than the priest , and began at first sight to pity him . he then proceeded to demand of him what the devil made him to thrust himself while naked , and his hands tied , among his stocks of bees ? but tho' ragotin was going to answer him , yet could he not , by reason of the excessive pains he felt all over his body . a bears cub but newly whelpt , and never lick'd into form , could not be so shapeless as our ragotin was in his humane figure , after having been stung by these merciless creatures , being swell'd excessively , even from head to foot. the millers wife as pitious as most good women are , got a bed provided for him and laid him into it . father giflot , the coachman and peasant , return'd back to the abbess of estival , who with her nuns being re-embark'd in their coach , set forwards on their journey under convoy of the reverend father mounted on a mare . it happen'd that the aforesaid mill belong'd either to du rignon or his son-in-law bagottiere i cannot say whether . this du rignon it seems was a relation of ragotin's , which when the miller and his wife came to know , they took more than ordinary care of him , and caus'd a surgeon of a neighbouring town to come and cure him , which he happily perform'd in a short time . assoon as he was well able to walk , he return'd to mans , where his joy for rancour and olive's having found his mule and brought it home along with them , soon made him forget his fall out of the cart , the coachmans lashes , his bitting by the mastiff , and his being stung by the bees . chap. xvii . some passages between the little ragotin and the great baguenodiere . destiny and star , leander and angelica , two brace of noble and real lovers , arriv'd at the capital city of maine , without meeting any the least misfortune by the way . destiny soon reinstated angelica in her mothers favour , to whom he had given so plausible an account and character of leander's amours and condition , that mrs. cave began now to approve the young man's passion , as much as she had before oppos'd it . the poor company of strollers had had no great reason to brag of theri gettings at mans had not a man of quality that lov'd plays extremely , made them amends for the losses they had sustain'd by the citizens . the greatest part of this person 's estate lying in maine , he had taken a house at mans , whither he often invited as well courtiers as country gentry , among whom were sometimes the greatest wits , and often times poets of the first rank to all which he approved himself a kind of modern mecaenas . his chiefest delight was in comedy , and therefore he not only cherish'd the composers thereof , but likewise invited every year the best comedians in the kingdom to come to mans. this nobleman happen'd to come thither much about the same time that these poor strollers were going thence on account of the thinness of their audiences , but he desired them by all means to continue there a fortnight longer ; and the better to incline them to it , he presented them with a hundred pistols , promising to give them as many more at their departure . he was glad of this occasion to divert several persons of quality of both sexes that he had brought along with him to mans , and who were to make some short stay there at his request . this lord , whom i will call here the marquess d'orse , was a great hunter and had brought all his hunting equipage to mans , which in every respect was the finest to be met with in france . the downes and forests of the country of maine made it to be one of the best places for those sports in the whole kingdom , and that either for deer or hares , and it being now the season for such like divertisements the city of mans was full of huntsmen , which the approaching festival had drawn thither , most of them with their wives , who were extremely ravish'd at the sight of the court gallantry , thinking they should now have matter sufficient to furnish them with chat for the longest winters evening . it is not the least ambition of the country people to be able to relate sometimes and brag , that at such a time , and in such and such a place , they have seen such and such courtiers , whom they salute only with their sir-names , and mention without any addition of title ; for example , one will tell you he lost his money to roquelaure , crequi won so much , coaquin hunted a stag in touraine , and the like . but if you suffer them to enter either upon politicks or war , they will never cease talking till they have drain'd the subject as dry as they were at first empty . but let us here put an end to out digression . man 's was then filled with nobility and gentry of all sorts . the inns were crowded with guests , and the greatest part of the principal citizens who lodged such courtiers or country gentry as were of their friends , had in a short time their best linnen foul'd , and their family provisions exhausted . the strollers quickly open'd their shop , resolving to let their customers have lumping penny-worths , since they had been so well paid before-hand . the citizens of both sexes prepar'd for the diversion , and the town and country-ladies were over-joy'd to behold every day the court-madams , from whom they learn'd to dress alamode , or at least better than they were wont to do , which tho' it occasion'd expence to their husbands , yet was it of exceeding benefit to their taylors , who by these means had many an old gown to alter . they had a ball every night , where several wretched dancers mov'd awkwardly in courants , and many young citizens trip'd it about in holland drawers , and wax'd slippers . madam star and madam angelica fired the hearts of most of the young men that saw them , and raised envy in the greatest part of the women . iuezilla who danced a saraband at the request of the players , was admir'd , and roquebrune was just ready to die with love at the sight of it . ragotin likewise confess'd to rancour , that if he did not quickly bring him into favour with star , france would soon have reason to lament the loss of him . rancour presently gave him hopes , and as a more particular testimony of his friendship than ordinary , desired of him to lend him twenty or thirty francs . ragotin turn'd pale at this surprizing request , and not only repented of but was also ready to renounce his love. however , at length that domineering passion prevailing in him , he made up the sum demanded , of different kinds of money , and out of several pockets , and gave them with a sorrowful countenance to rancour , who engag'd at the same time , that in less than twenty four hours he should be sure to hear himself talk'd of . that day was acted sir noisy parrot , a play as merry as he that writ it had cause to be sad . the audience was numerous ; the comedy indifferently well play'd , and every body was well enough pleas'd execpt the unfortunate ragotin . he through some occasion or other came to the house late , and therefore must crowd in where he could get a seat . his ill fortune had placed him just behind a country gentleman of the largest size , who had a great loose coat on , which not a little encreased his bulk . besides his spreading haunches , chine and shoulders , he was of a stature so much taller than other men , that altho' he sat down , ragotin who was but one row off him , thought he stood a tip-toe , and therefore cry'd out incessantly to him to sit down like the rest , not believing that one who sat on the same bench could be so much taller than any of his companions . the gentleman whose name was la baguenodiere , knew not for some time that ragotin had spoke to him , till at length being called by the title of the gentleman with the green feather , whereof indeed he had a very flaunting one in his hat , but that none of the cleanest nor finest , he turned his head about and saw the little impertinent , who thereupon bid him somewhat roughly to sit down . this , nevertheless la baguenodiere was so little moved at , that he turned his face again very gravely towards the stage , as if nothing had been said to him ; hereat ragotin began to call to him again to sit down , but which he took as little notice of as before , only turning about and looking upon him , and then returning to his former posture . this at last so vex'd ragotin that he bawled out to him again a third time , which notwithstanding la baguenodiere regarded as little as formerly . during all the time the play lasted ragotin still treated him after the like manner in great fury , and la baguenodiere as often look'd upon him with the same unconcern , without speaking a word to him , which was sufficient to have enflam'd the most phlegmatick man in the world. one might have compar'd la baguenodiere in this adventure to a large mastiff , and ragotin to a little cur that runs barking at him by his side , which provokes the great dog so little , that in contempt of him he only steps aside , and lifting up his leg , pisses against the wall. at lenght the whole company began to take notice of what had passed between the largest and the least man among them , and every one presum'd to smile at it , just at the time that ragotin began to swear and rave through impatience , while la baguenodiere returned him only a cold and indifferent glance . this baguenodiere was at the same time the largest man and the greatest brute in the world , i should have said clown . he demanded with his accustom'd gravity of the two gentlemen that sat next to him what they laughed at , to which they instantly reply'd very ingenuously , that it was at him and ragotin , whereby it seems they thought rather to have tickled than displeas'd him . however it so happen'd that it disgusted him , and made him to reply in a great rage , then you are a couple of sots , which affront he cast in their teeth with so great indignation , and such a sower look , that they presently perceiv'd he was piqu'd , and therefore thought themselves obliged in requital for his compliment to give him , each of them , a good sound box o' th ear. la baguenodiere hereupon having his arms hamper'd in his coat , could do nothing to them again at first but hunch them to and fro with his elbows , which the two gentlemen that were brothers , and naturally very brisk , taking the advantage of , before he could well disengage himself , gave him half a dozen more swinging cuffs on the chaps , which they happen'd to deliver with such an equal measure of time , that those who heard the sound without seeing the blows given , thought verily they had been so many singly claps . at last baguenodiere got his arms free from under his cumbersom coat , but being so close press'd by the two active brothers , who box'd him most unmercifully all the while , he had not room to move those carnal weapons of his in . he found himself therefore oblig'd to retreat , which going to do forwards . pardon the incongruity of the expression , his enemies having secured him behind and on either side , he chanc'd to fall on a man below him , and by the weight of his body , tumbled both him and his seat down upon the unfortunate ragotin , who i should have told you , not finding himself able to prevail with the country gentleman to let him see over him , had got a seat a little under him , who was thereby forced down upon another , that beat him backwards upon another , and so onwards to the last man or woman , no matter which , that sat below , whereby all these tumblers in this condition look'd just like so many ninepins that had been dextrously tip'd by a skilful touch of one . the noise of the persons tumbling , the crush'd legs , the frighted maids , the crying children , the babling women , and in a word , of those that laughed , of others that lamented , and lastly of such as either clap'd their hands or hissed , made such a confuss'd din , as one would have thought could have happen'd no where but at the valley of iehosaphat . never did such a trifling cause occasion so many great accidents before ; but that in my opinion , which was the most wonderful , was that there happen'd not to be one sword drawn , tho' the scuffle first began among those that wore them , and whereof there were above a hundred in the company . i was equally surpriz'd at baguenodieres stupidness , who could cuff and be cuffed , and receive assaults and make them , as if he had been about the most indifferent thing in nature . it was farther observed as another instance of his dulness or sullenness , call it which you please , that he had not once opened his mouth all that afternoon , except when he uttered those unmannerly words , which brought such a shower of cuffs about his ears : neither did he afterwards speak one more all that night , so well was this huge mans flegm and taciturnity proportion'd to his bulk . this grand confusion of seats and persons huddled together , was no small time putting in order , which while some were busy about , and others charitably interposing between the three combatants , who by this time were got to fisticuffs again , a sudden howling was heard as proceeding from underground . who could this now be but ragotin ? for fortune when she has once begun to persecute any poor wretch , seldom leaves tormenting him till she has undone him . it seems the seat which this little imp sat upon was plac'd on a plank that lay over a drain belonging to the tennis-court , which drain is commonly in the middle , just under the line . it was an ordinary receptacle for the rain-water , or any filth that was swept away , and this plank served as a lid to cover it . but as time consumes all things , so had it rotted this to that degree that ragotin's weight being greatly encreased by those that fell upon him , in the late hurly-burly , it presently gave way under him , and he immediately falling in had the misfortune to have another man of a considerable bulk fall upon him , whose leg , which by the way , was both booted and spur'd , slipping into the hole where ragotins whole body lay , the spur so pricked this poor creatures throat that it oblig'd him to howl after a most frightful manner . a stander-by observing the accident , and giving the man his hand to lift him out , ragotin perceiving the foot leaving him , gave it so terrible a nip with his teeth , even through the boot , that the man letting go his hold dropt down again , thinking verily he had been bit by a serpent . he likewise gave so frightful a shriek at the same time , that the fellow who was helping him out run away for fear . the same person recovering himself soon after , lent him his hand again , and then at one lusty pull he brought both him and ragotin out at once , who it seems had the wit to hold by the mans coat . the little man no sooner saw the light again , than he begun to threaten every body with his nods and looks , but more especially those whom he observed to laugh at him . he afterwards thrust himself among the crowd that were now going out , meditating all along upon something that should prove as honourable for him to perform , as fatal to his adversary baguenodiere . i never came to know whether this last person and the two brothers ever accomodated their difference or not , however they happen'd to fall out , but this i heard , that they never afterwards assaulted each other . this was what disturbed the first play that our comedians acted before the illustrious company then assembled at mans. chap. xviii . which has no occasion for a title . next was represented nicomedes , a play written by the incomparable monsieur de corneille . this comedy is admirable in my judgment , being the only one of his that has most of its authors own in it . in it he has sufficiently display'd the richness of his genius , and given all its persons bold and shining characters , but that quite different from each other . while this was playing there happen'd to be no disturbance , and which it may be , fell out by reason that ragotin was absent . scarce a day passed wherein he did not meet with some broil or other , to which his peevish pride and rash presumption exposed him as much as his ill fortune , which scarce till now had given him the least respit . the little man had spent his afternoon with inezilla's husband , the operator ferdinando , a norman by birth , but who called himself a venetian , and who , as i have already told you , profest chymistry , tho' to speak freely of him , he was a great quack , or rather a great cheat. rancour to rid himself of the tedious importunities of ragotin , to whom he stood engag'd to make madam star love him , had it seems enclin'd this little fellow to believe that this operator was a great magician , and could by his art force the wisest woman in the world to run after a man in her smock if he so pleased , but that he did not care to practise much that way , except for a particular friend , whose discretion he was well satisfied in , by reason he had formerly undergone some trouble by being overperswaded by some great lords at court. he counsel'd ragotin therefore to do his utmost to gain his friendship , which he nevertheless told him was no easy matter to do , the operator being a man of parts , and would consequently esteem only such as were so likewise , but then where he once took a fancy to a man he kept nothing a secret from him . one need only to praise or commend a proud fellow to get what one will out of him when it is quite otherwise with the meek and humble , for they are not so easily imposed upon . rancour then perswaded ragotin to what he pleased , and he went immediately and perswaded the operator that he was a great magician . i shall not need to repeat all he said to him ; it suffices that the operator being prepared by rancour before hand for that purpose , acted his part so well , that he denied his profession , only that his bubble might be the more enclinable to believe it . ragotin then , as i have said before , staid the whole afternoon with him ; but by reason the operator had then a chymical preparation in hand , he would by no means satisfie him in any thing that day , and which occasioned our impertinent mansean to have but an ill night of it after he went from him . next morning betimes he got to the operators chamber before he was up , which inezilla took very ill , she not being then so youthful as to come out of her bed as fresh as a rose , and for that reason always required some hours in private , before she could be ready for a publick view . she therefore immediately slip'd into her closset , her she black-moor soon following her with loves amunition , and left her husband and ragotin to discourse the matter at liberty . ferdinando then began to open his magazine of miracles and performances , but would nevertheless promise to perform nothing for him , ragotin would therefore needs encline him to it by demonstrations of his bounty , and consequently invited both him and his wife to dinner . the men and women-players were invited likewise , i shall not give you any particulars of their entertainment , i would only have you to take notice that they were very merry and fed heartily . after dinner inezilla was desired by destiny and the other comedians to read some little spanish novel or other to them , which she had either composed herself , or translated by help of the divine roquebrune , who had sworn by apollo and the nine muses , that in six months time he would teach her all the graces and perfections of the french tongue . inezilla was so obliging that she did not require much entreaty , and therefore while ragotin was taken up in consulting the magician ferdinando , she read the follovving novel , with a most charming voice , and judicious accent . chap. xix . the two rival brothers , a novel . dorethea and feliciana de monsalva were two the most aimable ladies in all seville , but tho' they had not been such , their fortunes and quality were so very considerable , that those alone had been sufficient to have engag'd any gentleman to court them , that had inclinations to be well married . don manuel their father had not yet declar'd himself in favour of any person , and dorethea , who as his eldest daughter ought to have been first 〈◊〉 , had like her sister so well manag'd her looks and actions , that the most confident pretenders to her had yet reason sufficient to doubt whether their addresses would be well or ill received . however these fair sisters never went to mass without a great crowd of lovers after them , exceeding sparkishly trick'd up , and they never came near the holy-water but there were hands of all sorts and sizes ready to dip with them , out of a peculiar kind of devotion . whenever they happen'd but to lift off their eyes from their prayer-books , they immediately became the center of i know not how many wishful glances ; and they could not make the least step in the church but they had presently abundance of curtsies to return to the great number of beaux that bow'd to them on all sides . but however troublesom where the civilities paid to them in publick , the frequent serenades under their windows made them considerable amends , and rendred that restraint supportable , which they were oblig'd to undergo by the custom of their country . hardly a night . passed but they were regal'd with some musick or other , and often in the day time there was running at the ring , and tilting just under their windows , which look'd towards the market-place , most proper for those exercises . one day among the rest , a stranger begot the admiration of the spectators by his wonderful address , beyond the ability of any of the gentry of the city , who was likewise observ'd by the two sisters to be a very compleat cavalier . divers persons of seville , who had been formerly his acquaintance in flanders , where he commanded a regiment of horse , invited him to run at the ring with them , which he accoringly perform'd in a soldiers habit. some days after , there happen'd the consecration of a bishop at seville . the stranger , who went by the name of don sancho de sylva , would needs be at the ceremony , and consequently appeared in the church , together with the greatest gallants of the city . the fair sisters came thither likewise , with many other ladies disguiz'd , after the mode of the place , with mantles of thick stuff , and hats with plumes of feathers in them . don sancho by chance had plac'd himself between the two sisters and another lady whom he accosted ; but she desiring him civilly to desist , and leave a place next her for a friend she expected , he obey'd her , and turned towards dorothea de montsalva , who sat nearer to him than her sister , and who had observed all that passed betwixt him and the lady . i was in hopes madam , quoth he , addressing himself to dorothea , that the lady here , to whom i have just made my applications , would not have refused me her conversation , upon the account of my being a stranger , but she has justly rewarded my presumption in thinking i had any thing tolerable to offer . i nevertheless beseech you , madam , continued he , to shew more pity and generosity to a gentleman who has a mind to experience the bounty of the ladies of seville . you give me a much greater cause to treat you ill than you have done this lady , reply'd dorothea , since you offer me only what she had before refus'd ; but that you may have no real reason to complain of our ladies of this country , i consent to converse with you as long as this ceremony lasts , to convince you that i have no assignation to attend . that is what does not a little surprize me , reply'd don sancho , being so wonderfully beauteous as you are , and which makes me enclinable to believe , that either you are very formidable , the gallants of this town very faint-hearted , or else , that the person , whose place i now usurp , is absent . and do you believe then sir , quoth dorothea , that i am so little skill'd in the art of love , that i could not refrain from appearing in publick without my gallant if i had any ? for the future you would do well not to entertain such unbecoming opinions of those you are wholly unacquainted with . you may be convinc'd , madam , reply'd don sancho , that i have a better opinion of you than you imagine , if you would but allow me to adore you suitable to my inclinations . our first motions are always fallacious , answered dorothea , and besides there are no small difficulties to be encountered in the performing of what you propound . there are none so great , reply'd don sancho , but i would endeavour to surmount them all , to gain the honour of your esteem . that is not the work of a few days , repartee'd dorothea ; you don't consider perhaps , sir , that you do but travel through seville , and it may be , are ignorant that i should not well like to be belov'd only en passant . but grant me , madam , what i humbly request , reply'd don sancho , and i will be bound to continue in seville as long as i live . now you speak like your self , reply'd dorothea , and i cannot but wonder , continu'd she , that a person that was able to say so many fine things , should not before this have provided himself of a mistriss to exhaust his gallantry upon . is it , added she , that he never yet thought any of them worth his trouble ? it is rather , reply'd don sancho , our of a distrust he has of his abilities . answer me precisely , sir , continu'd dorothea , to what i shall now demand of you , which is this ? which among all your ladies it is , that would be soonest able to keep you in seville were it her request ? i have told you already madam , reply'd don sancho , that you might if you so pleased the soonest of any . you never saw me before , sir , quoth dovothea , therefore pray let some other happy lady be the person . i must acknowledge then , answer'd don sancho , since you command it of me , that had dorothea de montsalva , as great a stock of wit as i have discover'd in you , i should think that man happy whose merit and services she could smile upon . there are many ladies in seville , reply'd dorothea , that not only equal but excel her . but , added she , have you ever yet heard that among all the crowd of her admirers she ever favour'd one more than another ? as i found my self very far from deserving her favour , answer'd don sancho , i never troubled my self to enquire into the good fortune of others . why should you not think your self as deserving as another ? demanded dorothea , womens humours are for the most part unaccountable , added she , and it often happens that the first assault of a stranger has better success with them than the continued siege of a constant votary . you have got a very pretty way to get rid of me , quoth don sancho , for i plainly perceive by your discourse that the services of a new comer would not at all be acceptable to you , in the prejudice of some more happy person you have long been engag'd to . don't let that enter into your head , reply'd dorothea , but believe rather that i am not so easie as to be cajolled with the bare pretence of a passion from one that never saw me in his life . if that be only wanting , madam , to compleat my happiness , reply'd don sancho , conceal your self no longer from a stranger that has been already so charmed with your wit. you would not be so much with my face , answer'd dorothea , if you saw it . ah! you cannot chuse but be most lovely , reply'd don sancho , since you so freely confess that you are not so , nay now i have greater cause than ever , to believe that you are weary of my company , since either that i seem troublesom , or because every corner of your heart has been already taken up by others . it were unjust therefore , continued he , that your goodness should be any longer trespassed upon by my boldness , and which i had discontinu'd before , had not i had a mind to convince you that i had more honourable designs , when i made you the faithful tenders of my life and freedom , than to make you my pastime and diversion . and to shew you , reply'd dorothea , that i do not think that time lost which i have spent in hearing you , i will be contented to continue with you so much longer as may suffice to let me know who you are . it cannot be my crime then to satisfie you , answer'd don sancho , and therefore i shall proceed to do it . know then most aimable and unknown lady , added he , that my name is sylva , which i had from my mother ; that my father is governour of quitto in peru ; that i am travelling this way by his orders ; and that i have before spent some part of my life in flanders , where i have by services attained to the chiefest commands in the army ; and lastly , had confirm'd upon me a commandery of the order of st. iago . this in few words , continued he , is a faithful account of what i am , but what i would be all my life long rests only in your power to give me leave to express in a place less publick than this . that shall be assoon as possibly , reply'd dorothea , but in the mean time to prevent your desires of knowing more of me at present , unless you mean to run the hazard of not knowing me at all , know that i am of quality , and that my face not so homely as to frighten you . this said , don sancho took his leave with a most profound bow , and went up to a company of gentlemen that were then discoursing together in a knot . some sullen ladies now , who are ever censuring others conducts and magnifying their own ; who take upon themselves the arbitration of what is good or ill , tho one might lay odds in a wager on their virtues , as not easy to be made appear , and who fancy that for a little brutish coyness , and pretended religious squeamishness , they have a title to supererogation in point of honour , tho● the wantonness of their past youth hath left mor scandal than ever their crabbed wrinkles will be able to give good examples . these mumping madams , i say so short sighted is to their own faults , will perhaps be apt to affirm that madam dorothea had too indiscreetly manag'd herself in the late rencounter , and that not only in receiving addresses so kindly from a person she never saw before , but likewise in suffering him to make love to her at all ; and farther , that if any young lady whom they had the government of should have done as much , she should not have long continued above ground . but let these novice-ladies learn from me , that every country has its peculiar customs and manners , and that tho' in england and france , where the women and maids walk about at liberty , they are or ought to be offended at the least declaration of love made them by a stranger ; yet in spain it is quite otherwise , for there the women being all cloyster'd up like nuns , are glad of every occasion of loves being tendred them , altho' it were from one that had not the least thing worthy of them in him . nay , the women there go farther , for they commonly make the first overtures , and are first taken , by reason that they are last to be seen , having only an opportunity to see the men through their veils , and that only at church , in the walks , from their balconies , or through their grates . dorothea made her sister feliciana acquainted with the conversation she had with don sancho , and moreover frankly owned to her as her confidente , that she thought him the most agreeable cavalier in all seville . her sister very much approved of her design upon his liberty . the two fair ladies entertained each other for some time on the advantages and privileges that men had above women . they urged that women were never to be married but at the pleasure of their parents , which did not always suit with their inclinations , when men were at liberty to pick and chuse where they pleased , and marry when they pleased . as for my part , said dorothea to her sister , love shall never make me● do any thing contrary to my duty , and i am resolv'd continued she never to marry any man but who shall singly posse● all those good qualities , which are only to be found dispers'd among divers others ; and , added she farther , i would rather chuse to be shut up in a convent than to marry a man i could not like . feliciana told her that was her resolution too , and they both together confirm'd each other in their opinions , with all the reasoning that their ingenuity could furnish them 〈◊〉 dorothea found it a little difficult to perform her promise 〈◊〉 don sancho , which she had given him to make her-self know to him , and consequently acquainted her sister with the 〈◊〉 plexity she was in . but feliciana , who was happy in findi● out expedients , put her sister in mind of a lady that was relation of theirs , and more than that , an intimate friend , all relations are not so , who she was certain would serve her faithfully in any affair that concern'd her happiness so much as this did . you know , says this good sister to her , that mariana , who has been a long while serviceable to us , is married to a surgeon , and lives in a house belonging to our kinswoman , and adjoining to hers , which two houses have a door of communication betwixt them . now , conrinu'd she , these houses stand in a by-part of the town , and tho' it may be observ'd that we go oftner to visit our relation than ordinary , yet it will not be taken notice of that don sancho goes to a surgeons ; besides , he may take the opportunity of the night , or else go disguiz'd to avoid discovery . whilst dorothea was contriving this intrigue by the help of her sister , and instructing her kinswoman and mariana in what they had to do , don sancho's thoughts were wholly taken up about his unknown lady . he could not satisfie himself whether she had made those promises of farther discovery to abuse him or not , or whether he did not see her every day tho' disguiz'd , either at church , in her window , or else where receiving the adoration of her gallants . whilst he was thus in doubt , and one morning dressing himself in order to look after her , a veil'd lady came to the door to ask for him . being admitted , she delivered him the following billet . the billet . sir , i should have sooner let you heard from me had it been in my power . but if the desires you have shewn to be acquainted with me be not yet wholly vanish'd , be pleased to accompany the bearer , about the dusk of the evening , to a place where she shall conduct you , and where it is probable you may find your humble servant . you may better imagine , than i express , the joy that don sancho conceiv'd at this news . he embrac'd the ambassadress with all possible acknowledgments , and moreover presented her with a gold chain , which she after a modest refusal accepted . she appointed him a remote place to meet her in without attendants in the evening , and so departed , leaving him the best satisfied , tho' at the same time the most impatient man in the world. at length night came , and she fail'd not to be at the place of assignation richly habited and perfum'd . he was conducted by her first into an ill-favour'd little house , and afterwards into a very fair apartment , where he found three ladies veil'd . he presently distinguish'd his unknown mistriss from the rest by her shape and stature , and therefore immediately addressed himself to her , entreating her to pull of her veil . she made no great difficulty to comply with his request , and therefore both she and her sister forthwith discover'd themselves to the happy don sancho , to be the two beautiful ladies dorothea and feliciana de montsalva . you may now perceive i told you true , said dorothea to him throwing off her veil , when i assur'd you that a stranget might sometimes obtain more kindness from us women in a minute , than the most importunate of our lovers could do by many years courtship . and , continu'd she , you would be the most ungrateful person of your sex , did you either not highly esteem the favour i have done you , or mis-interpret it to my disadvantage . i shall ever value what i receive from you , reply'd don sancho passionately , as if it came from hea , ven , and you may be able to guess by the care i shall take to preserve to my self the favour you have done me , that if i ever am so unhappy as to let it be known , it will rather be the effect of my misfortune than crime . they said , in short , without controul , all what such lovers use to say , when love is master of the soul. the mistriss of the house and feliciana , who had been before instructed what they had to do , were retir'd to a convenient distance from the two lovers , whereby they gave them an opportunity to exchange their mutual affections with greater ardency than they had time to do at their first meeting , as likewise to appoint another assignation to enflame them yet more if possible . dorothea promised don sancho to give him as many meetings as she could conveniently , for which he returned her all the acknowledgments he was capable of making . the two other ladies entertain'd each other apart for some time ; but at length mariana thought her self oblig'd to acquaint the lovers that it was time to separate , at which dorothea was presently concern'd , and don sancho visibly chang'd countenance ; but however part they must . the gallant cavalier wrote the next day to his fair mistriss , and had an answer suitable to his wishes ; but i cannot pretend to give you a sight of their letters , by reason that none of them ever came to my hands . what i can satisfie you in is , that they met often in the same place , and after the same manner , and at length arrived to that fervency of affection , that without murdering themselves like pyramus and thysbe , they might well be said to be as passionate lovers . it is a common saying , that love , fire and money , cannot lie conceal'd . dorothea , who had the gallant stranger continually in her mind , could not forbear talking of him frequently , taking all occasions to set him so much above all other gentlemen of seville , that at last some ladies who had conceal'd affections as well as she , and who observ'd her continually crying up don sancho , not only took notice of , but were piqu'd at it . her sister feliciana had often advis'd her to be more cautious , and above a hundred times in company , when she was even transported in his praise would often tread upon her toes , till she had almost crippled her , to desist . at last through her indiscretion , her intrigue came to one of her admirers knowledge , by means of a lady a friend of his . he had reason enough to believe her in love with don sancho , since from the time that stranger first appeared in the city neither he nor any of her other humble servants could obtain the least favourable look from her . this rival of don sancho's was rich , of a good family , and very well received by don manuel , who nevertheless had not yet pressed his daughter to marry him , because as often as he had talked any thing to her tending that way , she had always conjur'd him not to marry her so young . this gentleman , i begin to recollect his name was don diego , had a mind to be fully assur'd of what he had yet but suspected . he had one of those valets de chambre which we call spruce fellows , who wear as good linnen as their masters , and sometimes that of their masters , and who bring up fashions among the inferiour servants , and are as much or rather more envy'd by the waiting-women than belov'd . this fellows name was gusman , who having a small tincture of poetry compos'd those sorts of sonnets as madrid , which london and paris we call ballads . he was accustom'd to sing them to his guittar , but that never plain and downright , but always attended with the ridiculous gestures of his head and body . he moreover danc'd the sarabande , was never without castagnets , would more than once have got to be a player , had he not been as often refused ; and to make up the composition of his character , was something inclinable to the bully ; but to tell you the truth , 't was that of the most sneaking kind . all these noble talents , added to a little eloquence his memory had furnish'd him with , from his master 's table-talk , made him to be the idol , if i may so speak , of all those servant maids that had best opinions of themselves . don diego commanded him to cast an ogle or two upon isabella , a young wench that waited on the two ladies dorothea and feliciana de montsalva . he forthwith obey'd his master's commands , and isabella was almost assoon caught in the trap as it was set for her , believing her self not a little happy to be belov'd by gusman , whom she in a short time lov'd again , as he in a little while after did her really , tho' his first intentions were only to impose on her by his master's orders , and for his ends . as the love of gusman was a thing much coveted amongst the servant maids of that city , so was isabella's fortune as great as the most ambitious valet de chambre could expect to be raised to . she was very well beloved by her mistrisses , from whom she received many favours , and was besides in expectation of a fortune , to be given her by her father an honest tradesman , gusman then thinking seriously on the matter , resolv'd to be her husband , as she on her part did to be his wife , and therefore having only taken one anothers words , they lived together as such . isabella was not a little displeased to observe than mariana the surgeons wife , at whose house dorothea and do● sancho had their private meetings , still continued to be their confidente in a business , whence she knew must come a great deal of profit to her . she had found out the gold chain which sancho had given her , and besides , discover'd many other presents he had made her , and moreover imagin'd that then might have been several more which she knew nothing of●●● this caused her to hate mariana to death , and which incline●● me to believe that this young lass was not a little me●●●●nary . it is no wonder then if at the first request her dea● gusman made her to tell him truly , whether her mistriss dorothea were in love or not ; she confest the whole secret to hi● on whom she had bestow'd her heart . she inform'd him therefore of as much as she knew of the intrigue between the two lovers , and concluded all with railing at mariana for depr●●ing her of her vails , which she said , was due to her as servant of the house . gusman desired of her farther to let him know the day and hour when the lovers were next to meet , which she soon after did , and he consequently acquainted his master with not only that , but likewise with all the rest that he had learned from the treacherous isabella . don diego hereupon habited himself like a beggar , and taking his post just at mariana's door the night that his man had inform'd him the rendesvouz was to be , he saw his rival enter there , and some time after a coach stopping before dorothea's cousin's house , he observ'd both his mistriss and her sister to come out thereof and go in there , which you may imagine left him in no small rage , well knowing what secret communication there was between the two houses . he plotted therefore from that very minute to rid himself of so formidable a rival as don sancho might prove . the surest way to take him off he thought was by assassins , and consequently forthwith hir'd two for that end . with these he watched for him divers nights together , and at last met him , and set on him with the assistance of his two bullies , both like himself well arm'd . don sancho no sooner perceiv'd their intentions than he put himself in a posture of defence , being also indifferently well provided for that purpose , for over and above his sword and ponyard he had two pistols ready charg'd and stuck in his girdle . don diego was more forward to engage than his companions , who were only led to it by the thoughts of gain . don sancho at first gave ground , out of policy , till he had drawn his assailants to a convenient distance from the house where dorothea was . but length fearing he might receive prejudice if he still continued on the defensive part , and perceiving don diego to press more vigorously than ordinary upon him , he let fly one of his pistols at him , and brought him to the ground half dead , but nevertheless crying out and bawling for a priest as if he were mad. at the bare hearing the report of a pistol the bullies immediately troop'd off . don sancho retired to his lodgings , and the neighbours coming out of their houses to see what was the matter , found the wounded man just expiring , who nevertheless had so much life left as to accuse don sancho of his murther . this our cavaliere had soon notice of , by means of his friends , who told him moreover , that altho' the law could not reach him , yet would not don diego's relations let his death be unreveng'd , but rather seek all opportunities to murther him wherever they could meet him to advantage . don sancho hearing this , thought it his best way to retire to a convent , where he knew he might be safe , which he immediately did , and from thence sent his dear dorothea an account of his safety , ordering his affairs so in the mean time , that he might be be ready to leave seville at the shortest warning . whilst matters past thus , the magistrates of the city were doing their best to find don sancho out but to no purpose . after the heat of the search was a little over , and every body was of opinion that he was clear got off , dorothea and her sister , under pretence of devotion , were carried by their cousin to the same monastery whither sancho was retir'd . there the two lovers had another meeting in the chappel , where they mutually promised eternal constancy and fidelity to each other , and at parting utter'd so many moving expressions , that feliciana , her kinswoman , and the good monk that attended them wept exceedingly , and which they were always afterwards enclinable to do whenever the remembrance of this interview came into their minds . don sancho soon after got from seville in disguize , leaving letters behind him with his fathers factor to be transmitted to the indies by the first opportunity . by these letters he gave his father an account of what had befallen him , and which had oblig'd him to leave seville to retire to naples for the saving of his life . he arrived there safe in a little time , and was received very kindly by the vice-roy to whom he had the honour to have formerly belong'd notwithstanding the great favours shew'd him , he nevertheless led but an uneasie life in naples for above a year or more and that because he had heard no news all that while of his dear dorothea . some small time after the vice-roy equip'd six gallies to go out a cruizing after the algerines . don sancho's courage would not suffer him to neglect so fair an occasion to shew it self , and therefore he was resolved to engage in this enterprize . the admiral that commanded received him on board his gally , and lodged him in his own cabbin , being not a little proud that he had a person of his quality and merit to accompany him . these six neapolitan gallies ●net eight algerines almost within sight of messina , and were not long before they engaged them . after a dubious fight the christians took three of the turks and sunk two . the neapolitan admiral happen'd to be grappled with the turkish admiral , which being better man'd than the rest , had made a much greater resistance . the sea in the mean time grew rugged , and the storm encreased so fast , that at length both christians and turks had more regard to their own safeties that to endeavour each others ruine . they as it were consented then mutually to withdraw their grappling-irons , and disengage themselves from one another , and which happen'd much about the time that don sancho being over-bold had thrown himself into the turkish admiral , without being so happy as to have any body to follow him . seeing himself thus alone , and more than that , in the power of his enemies , he preferred death to slavery , and immediately flung himself into the sea , hoping only to escape drowning by his excellent swimming . but the bad weather proving so extraordinary , it hindred him from being discover'd by the christian gallies , altho' the admiral having been an eye-witness of his action , and being extremely concern'd at the loss of him , which he look'd upon as unavoidable , had tacked about towards the place where he saw him leap in . don sancho in the mean time cut the waves with his skilful arms , and after having swom a while to the leeward , whither both the wind and the tide carried him , he by luck met with a plank which had been torn from the sides of one of the turkish gallies by the cannon . this he looked upon as a present sent him from heaven , and which he immediately made use of with that success , that in a short time he got a shore on the coast of scicily , which was not above a league and half from the place where the battle was fought . he landed without any prejudice done him by the rocks ; and after having returned thanks to heaven for ●his preservation , he walked forward as far as his weakness would suffer him . at last making shift to get up a little hill , ●he perceived from the top a neighbouring hovel , whither he immediately went , and found it inhabited by fishermen , who approved themselves to him the most charitable people in the world. the over-heating himself in the fight , and afterwards ●renching himself in the water , together with the wet cloaths he was forced to wear , brought so violent a feaver upon him , that he was oblig'd for some time to keep his bed , but whereof he in a short time recovered , without doing any thing more than living regularly . during his illness , he did all that in him lay to make the world believe he was dead , ●hereby as well to abate his enemies don diego's relations ma●●ice to him , as to make tryal of his dorothea's constancy . whilst he was in flanders he had contracted an extraordinary friendship with a sicilian marquess of the family of montal●●●o whose name was fabio . he desired one of the fishermen ●o make enquiry whether he was then at messina , where he knew he liv'd . being inform'd that he was , he went immediately thither in a fishers habit , and arrived at the marquesses house about night . the marquess was extremely overjoy'd at the sight of a friend whom he had given over for soft , don sancho gave him an account how he came to be sav'd and moreover told him his adventure at seville without concealing from him the violent passion he had for dorothea . the marquess proffer'd his service to go for him into spain , and to carry off dorothea , and bring her to sicily , provided she would but consent to the doing of it . don sancho would by no means put his friend to so dangerous a trial of his friendship as to go alone on his account , and therefore proposed to go along with him . sanchez , don sancho's man , had been so afflicted for the loss of his master , that when the gallies came into the port of messina to refresh themselves , he entred into a convent , resolving to pass there the remainder of his days . fabio who had been the cause of his being admitted , sent to the superiour to release him again , and which was the readier comply'd with , by reason he had not yet received the habit of the order . sanchez was over-joy'd at the sight of his dear master , and assoon shook off all thoughts of returning to the monastery again . his master not long after sent him into spain to prepare his way for him , and in the mean time charged him to send him news of his dear dorothea , who like others had been possessed with the belief of his death . this report had spread it self even to the indies , and which had caused his father to die with regret , leaving four hundred thousand crowns to another son on condition , that if his brother sancho appeared again , he should refund to him a moiety . don sancho's brothers name was iuan de peralta , the same with his fathers . his father being dead he embark'd for spain , and arriv'd at seville about a year after the before mention'd misfortune had befel his brother . having a quite different name it was easy for him to conceal that they wer● brothers , and which he thought very necessary for him to do since he was oblig'd to reside for some time in that city where sancho had left so many enemies . he happen'd soon after to have a sight of the fair dorothea , and like his brother , became quickly enamour'd of her , tho' not with the same success . this fair afflicted lady could love nothing after her dear sancho . all that don iuan de peralta could do to please her , prov'd only tiresom to her , and she moreover utterly refused the be● . matches in seville , which her father don manuel had propose● to her . about this time sanchez came to seville , and observing his master's orders , immediately set himself about enquiring into dorothea's behaviour . he learnt from a common report about the city , that a very wealthy person lately com●● from the indies , had fallen desperately in love with her , and who omitted nothing to set forth his gallantry and affection●● this he soon inform'd his master of , but made the story much worse than it was told him , and his master believed it to be yet worse than he related it . the marquess fabio and don sancho embarked not long after at messina , on board the gallies that were then returning to spain , and arrived safe in a short time at st. lucar , where they immediately took post for seville . it was night before they got thither , when they went forthwith to the lodgings which sanchez had assign'd them . they kept all the next day close in their chambers , and , at night took a walk towards don manuel's house . they there heard instruments of several kinds runing under dorothea's window , and afterwards an excellent consort : when that was over a single voice , accompained only with a theorbo , complain'd for some time of the cruelties of a tygress in an angels form● don sancho was so provoked at this , that he certainly had truss'd up the serenaders , had not the marquess fabio prevented it by representing to him that he could have done no more if dorothea had appear'd in the balcony to encourage his rival ; but since she had not , he ought to believe that the words that were sung were rather complaints of a dissatisfied lover , than thanks for any favours receiv'd . the serenaders retir'd after they had perform'd their task , and don sancho and the marquess retir'd also to their lodgings . dorothea began to be importun'd more and more every day by her indian lover . her father don manuel was extremely desirous to have her speedily married , and therefore she feared that if don iuan de peralta being rich and of so good a family as he really was , should offer himself to him for his son-in-law , he would easily be prefer'd to all others , and she consequently more press'd by her father to marry than she had hitherto been . the day after the serenade dorothea spent wholly in her sisters company , often telling her , that she could no longer suffer the gallantries of the indian , and farther , that she could not but wonder how he could make his courting of her so publick , before he had obtained her fathers leave to court her . it is a thing that extremely surprizes me likewise , reply'd feliciana , and if i were in your place , the first opportunity that offer'd , i would treat him so ill , that he should ever after be out of hopes either of saying or doing any thing to please me . for my part , continu'd she , i can't discover any charms in him to please a woman . he has not that air which is to be acquir'd only at court , and the great expences he is at here has nothing of the polite , and plainly shews him to be a stranger . she proceeded afterwards to finish a very disadvantageous character of don iuan de peralta , not remembring that at his first appearing in seville she had confest to her sister that she liked him , and that as often as she had had occasion to speak of him she had always done it with some sort of concern . dorothea observing her sister so alter'd , or at least that she seem'd to be so , from the opinion she had formerly entertain'd of this cavalier , presently suspected that she loved him as much as she pretended to dislike him . she therefore to clear her doubts told feliciana that she had no manner of aversion for don iuan's person , but rather a respect , by reason that she found so much of sancho's likeness in his face . her only reason for slighting him was because she could love no man after don sancho , and she added farther , since she could not hope to be his wife she was resolv'd never to be one to any other , but determin'd to spend the remainder of her days in a convent . altho' you were resolved upon such a strange undertaking , which i don't believe , reply'd feliciana , yet you might spare me the trouble of hearing of it . never doubt it , dear sister , answer'd dorothea , for it is but too true , and it is as certain that you will speedily be the richest fortune in seville . it is therefore , continued she , that i would see don iuan once more , to encline him , since he is not like to have me , to have the same love and respect for you . but , proceeded she farther , when i do see him , i shall withal , desire him to importune me no more with his addresses , since i find they are so very displeasing to you . and let me tell you , added she further , that i know no person in seville to whom you could be happier married than to him . if i said he displeased me , reply'd feliciana , i must own it was rather through complaisance to you than any aversion i had for him . confess rather , dear sister , quoth dorothea , that you love him , and apprehend me for a rival . at these words feliciana began to blush , and was extremely out of countenance . she proceeded to defend herself against her sisters accusation , but which served rather to condemn than acquit her . at last she found she was oblig'd to confess that she lov'd don iuan , which she would nevertheless not have done had she believed it in her power to have concealed it , dorothea was so far from disapproving her sisters passion ' , that she encouraged her in it , by promising to serve her to her power . soon after isabella , who had broke off all communication with her friend gusman , ever since the accident that befel don sancho , had orders from dorothea to go immediately and find out don iuan , and to tell him that she and her sister desired his company about midnight in the garden , when her father would certainly be a bed. she likewise bad her to carry him the key of the garden-gate . isabella who had been gain'd over by don iuan , and consequently had made it her business to procure him her mistrisses esteem , tho' without success , was extremely surpriz'd at this sudden change , but at the same time not a little glad that she was to carry him so good news , who had so often oblig'd her , tho' she brought him none but bad . she made what hast she could therefore to his lodgings , but found him not inclinable to credit her message , till she shewed him the fatal key . at the same time she put the key into his hands , he put a perfum'd purse with pistoles in it into hers , which she received with no less joy than she had occasion'd him by her coming . as ill-luck would have it , the same night that don iuan was to have admittance into dorothea's fathers garden , don sancho and his friend the marquess happen'd to take their rounds that way . they were in the street where dorothea lived about eleven a clock , when all of a sudden four men well arm'd came up to them , and star'd them full in the face . don sancho thinking his rival might be among them , forthwith told them surlily , that the post which they had taken up there he had occasion for , to dispatch a certain affair in , and therefore requir'd them to be gone and give him liberty for that purpose . to which they immediately reply'd , that they would do it with all their hearts , but that the place was as proper for them to execute a design they had in hand , which he must give them leave to do before he could find any room there . this answer so nettled don sancho that it was only a word and a blow with him , for he immediately set upon them with that vigour that he soon put them into disorder , and his friend the marquess charging them at the same time , they were driven to the end of the street before they knew where they were . there don sancho received a slight wound , but in return gave his enemy so home a thrust that he was some time in getting his sword out of his body , and whom he left for dead . in the mean time the marquess was pursuing those that fled , which they quickly did ●●soon as they saw their comrade fall . don sancho at last saw several lights comming towards him at a distance , which suspecting to be the watch , as it really was , he began to think of his escape . he retir'd therefore in some confusion through all the blind allys he could find , and which at length bringing him into a large open street , he met full-but with ●n old gentleman that was then lighting a long with a lan●●trn , and who had drawn his sword at the hearing of don sancho running towards him . this old cavalier was don manuel , who had been playing a game at cards at a neighbours house , and was now returning home after his usual custom through a little gate of the garden , which was near the place where sancho met him . at the first approach of our adventurer don manuel cry'd out , who goes there ? a man answer'd sancho , whose business 't is to make the best of his way , if you do not stop him . it may be , sir , concontinu'd don manuel , some accident may have oblig'd you to search in such haste for a sanctuary , if so , my house is near at hand , and may , if it please you to accept it , be of service to you 't is true , reply'd don sancho , i am in quest of a sanctuary to screen me from a pursuit which i fear is made after me , and since you have been so generous as to offer a stranger the protection of your house , he will trust himself wholly in your hands , and never forget both the kindness and honour you will do him . hereupon don manual immediately open'd the door with a key he had always about him , and put him in a grove of lawrels , whilst he went into his house to seek for a better conveniency for him . don sancho had not been long in the grove before a woman came to him and cry'd , come away sir , my mistress dorothea waits for you . at the hearing of that dear name , don sancho began immediately to think that he was in his mistresses garden , and that the old gentleman who had brought him in might be her father . he likewise suspected , with reason enough , that dorothea had made some rival of his an assignation , and that this was the time of their rendevezouz : he therefore followed isabella but that more tormented with jealousy , than the fears of a pursuit . in the interim don iuan came at the hour appointed , and with the key which had been given him , open'd the garden-door , and went and hid himself in th● grove of lawrels , whence don sancho was but just gone . a moment after he perceived a man to come directly up to him● which at first gave him so much surprize , that he though● good to put himself into a posture of defence ; but observing it to be don manuel , he endeavour'd only to conceal himself . don manuel soon finding him out , said to him , come come , follow me , and i will put you in a place where you n●● not fear being discovered . don iuan guess'd by what he ha● heard , that don manuel had saved some person or other tha● fled from justice ; but nevertheless thought himself oblig'd 〈◊〉 follow him , tho' he was not the man he took him for . a● he went along he return'd him a thousand thanks for his civility ; but you may imagine was not inwardly a little displeased at him , for disappointing him of his amorous intrigss don manuel conducted him into a chamber , where he left him while he went to prepare a bed for him in another adjoinin● room . there we must leave him likewise in no smal● trouble and perplexity , and return to speak of his brother don sancho de s●lva . him isabella carry'd into a ground-chamber which look'd out into the garden , and where dorothea and feliciana staid waiting for don iuan de peralta , the one as a lover who was studying to say something to please him , and the other as one that could not love him , and design'd there to tell him so . at don sancho's entering the room the fair sisters were wonderfully surpriz'd . dorothea immediately swoon'd away at the fright , and would have certainly drop'd down on the floor had not her sister held her up in her chair . don sancho stood like a statue : isabella was ready to die with fear , believing that sancho's ghost was come to revenge the wrongs her mistress had done him while alive . feliciana , tho' extremely frighted likewise , was nevertheless so employ'd about recovering her sister , that she did not so much mind it as she would have otherwise done . at last dorothea came to her self , and then don sancho spoke to her after the following manner , if the report spread abroad of my death did not in some measure excuse your inconstancy , ungrateful dorothea , quoth he , i should not have now breath enough left wherewith to reproach your infidelity . but 't was i that occasion'd that report , to be forgotten of my enemies , and not by you , who have so often promised to love none but me , and yet , who have now so soon , nay , so treacherously broke that promise . i might well revenge my self , now i have an opportunity , continued he , and complain so loud , that i might a wake your father , and he consequently rise and find your lover , whom you have hid in his house . but fool that i am ! i am yet afraid to displease you , and torment my self more with the thoughts that i must love you no longer , than with those that so plainly suggest to me that you love another . go on , faithless fair one ! go on , proceeded he , enjoy your happy lover ; be aprehensive of no danger in this new amour ; be assur'd that will rid you speedily of the man that has it in his power 〈◊〉 reproach you of treachery all your life long ; nay , of 〈◊〉 you have betray'd even at a time that he has exposed 〈◊〉 life to come to worship you . at these words don san●●● would have been gone , but dorothea held him , and was go●●● to justify her self just at the time that isabella came running 〈◊〉 the chamber to tell her don manuel was coming . don 〈◊〉 had only time to step behind the door before the old ●●●tleman came in , he began immediately to repremand his ●●ghters for being up so late , and afterwards went out of chamber , which he had no sooner done but don sancho out likewise , and getting into the garden hid himself as before among the lawrels , expecting an opportunity when he might get away . don manuels business in his daughters chamber was to light a candle , wherewith to go to the garden-gate , where the constable and watch were knocking like mad for admittance , having been told , that one of the persons that made the fray in the streets was got in there . don manuel made but little difficulty to suffer them to enter and search his house , as believing that they would not open his chamber wherein he had hid the gentleman he protected , don sancho perceiving it was impossible for him to escape being found , amidst the great number of the watchmen and mob that were spread all over the garden , came out of his own accord from the lawrel-grove , and going up to don manuel , who was not a little surpriz'd to see him , whisper'd him in his ear , that a cavalier of honour should always keep his word , and ought never to abandon one that he had once thought fitting to take into his protection . hereupon don manuel desired the constable , who was one of his friends , to leave don sancho in his custody , which request was readily granted him , being a man of quality , and the rather , because the wounded person was not yet dead . after this the constable and watch retired , and don manuel having discovered don sancho , and finding by his answers that he was really the person he had admitted into his garden , he did not doubt but the other must have been some love-adventurer intended to have been introduced to his daughters by isabella . to be the better convinc'd of the truth , he desired don sancho to go into a chamber and not to stir thence till he came to him again , which sancho promised he would . in the mean time don manuel went to don iuan de peralta to whom he feigned that his servant had come into the garden at the same time with the watch , and desired to speak with him . don iuan knew very well that his servant was sick a bed , and therefore could not well come to him ; besides , he had had no orders from him so to do , and moreover knew not where he was ; all this together made him extremely concern'd at what don manuel had said to him : nevertheless , that he might not discover himself thro' the want of a ready answer , he immediately reply'd to don manuel , at random , if you please , sir , let him be ordered to attend me at my lodgings . don manuel then presently discovered him to be the young indian gentleman that had mad● such a noise for some time in seville , and having been alread● informed of his quality and estate , resolv'd not to suffer hi● to go out of his house till he had married her of his daughters whom he could best fancy . he discours'd some time with him , to be better satisfied in those matters which kept him still in suspence . isabella saw them talking together from the other door , and immediately went and told her mistress of it . don manuel soon perceived her , and thought she was coming to bring a message from one of his daughters to don iuan , and therefore left him , to run after her , and intercept her design . just as he overtook her the light that was in the chamber was burnt out . whilst he was groping after her , being in the dark , isabella got clear of him , and went and told dorothea and feliciana that don sancho was in their father's chamber , and that she saw them talking together . the two sisters immediately run thither . dorothea for her part was not affraid of meeting her dear don sancho with her father , being resolv'd to confess how much she loved and was beloved by him , as likewise for what end she had made that assignation with don iuan. she happen'd to come into her father's chamber just at the same instant that don iuan was stealing out , whom she taking for don sancho , caught by the arm , and spoke to him thus , why , cruel don sancho , doest thou thus fly from me , and wherefore wilt thou not hear my vindication against the unjust aspersions thou hast cast upon me ? i confess you could not have reproached me sufficiently , had i but been guilty of what you have some sort of reason to believe me . but you know there are many falsities which sometimes have as great resemblance of truth as truth it self , which is ever best discovered by time. allow me therefore so much as may serve to unravel this confusion , wherein yours and my misfortune , and perhaps that of divers others , has involv'd us . help me to justify my self , and let not thy passion which hurries thee on to condemn me , provoke thee to pronounce an unjust sentence before a due conviction . you may perhaps have heard , continued she , that a certain cavalier loves me , but did you ever hear that i return'd his love ? you may likewise have seen him here , and it is most true that i have sent for him , but when you shall also know for what reason , i am pretty well assured you will repent of your cruel usage to me , and be inclinable to own that i could give you no greater proof of my fidelity . why is he not now in thy presence , this spark that importunes me so frequently with his passion , that i might have an opportunity to ask him before thee , whether i ever gave him leave to profess he loved me , or if he ever had any reason to believe i had read his letters ? but my misfortune is such , added she sighing , that as often as i would have shun'd him , he has appear'd before me , but now i have occasion for him to clear my innocence he is absent . don iuan had so much patience as to hear all she could say without giving her the least interruption , and that chiefly that he might thereby discover what she had all along before kept a secret from him . at last , just as he was going to reproach her with baseness , don sancho , who had been groping from room to room to find the way into the garden , and still missing it , at length came so near as to hear dorothea talking with don iuan , whom he knowing by her voice , approached them as softly as he could , but was notwithstanding soon discover'd by don iuan and the two sisters . at the same moment don manuel came into the chamber with lights carried before him by two servants . hereupon the two rival brothers presently star'd each other in the face , looking fiercely , and laying their hands upon their swords . don manuel stept in between them to prevent any mischief , and immediately commanded his eldest daughter to make choice of one of them , who as her husband might be authoriz'd to chastize the other . don iuan then began to speak , and told don manuel that for his part he resign'd up all pretentions to the cavalier that was before him , but that not through fear . don sancho said the same thing , adding moreover , that since don iuan had been introduced into don manuel's house by his daughter , it was probable that she both loved him and was beloved by him , and therefore for his part , he would die a thousand deaths before he would marry one with the least scruple upon her . then dorothea throwing herself at her father's feet , conjured him to hear her . she related to him all that had passed between don sancho de sylva and her , to the time of his killing of don diego on her account . she afterwards informed him how don iuan de peralta had made love to her , and what designs she had to disabuse him , and to propose her sister to him in marriage ; and to conclude all , she told him that if she could not perswade don sancho to believe her innocent , she was resolv'd next day to shut her self up in a nunnery , thence never to set foot out again as long as she lived● by this relation the two brothers came to the knowledge of each other . don sancho was forthwith reconciled to dorothea , whom he demanded in marriage of her father . don iuan likewise beg'd don manuel's consent to have his daughter feliciana , and both were accepted by him for hi● son-in-law with so great satisfaction as is not to be expressed . as soon as day appeared , don sancho sent for hi● friend the marquess fabio , who soon came to partake of hi● joy that was then in agitation . don sancho's marriage was kept secret till such time as don manuel and the marquess had ha● an oppportunity to perswade the cousin and heir of don diego to forget the cause of his kinsman's death , and to lay aside all enmity to don sancho . during this negotiation the marquess fabi● fell in love with this gentleman's sister , and consequently desired her of her brother in marriage . his request was granted with a great deal of readiness ; the gentleman being presently sensible what advantage such a match must be to his family . the three marriages were solemniz'd in one day , and every thing succeeded so well that there was no disagreements between either of the parties for a long while after , which you must confess is not a little to be wonder'd at . chap. xx. after what manner ragotin's sleep came to be disturb'd . the agreeable inezilla concluded the reading of her novel , which made her auditory sorry it was no longer . whilst she was reading it , ragotin , who instead of hearing her had busied himself in asking her husband questions about magick , was fallen asleep in a low chair where he sat , and which the operator was likewise in his . ragotin's sleep was not altogether voluntary , for if he could possibly have kept down the vapours of the meat , which he had eaten in great quantity , he would not have been so rude as not to have heark●ed attentively to inezilla's novel . he did not sleep therefore soundly , but would ever now and then see-saw his head down to his knees , and then raise himself up again half awake , and afterwards start , and then drop down , in like manner as drowsy sinners are wont to do at conventicles , when the good man proves tedious as well as dull . there hap●en'd to be a ram bred up in the inn , which roguy boys that went up and down the yard had been accustom'd to present their heads to , but holding their hands stretch'd out before at the same time , to keep him from doing them any harm . 〈◊〉 these boys this ram would run with all his might , as these creatures are naturally given to do . this animal had his free 〈◊〉 all over the inn , and came often times into the chambers , and it seems was in that of the operator when inezilla read the novel . he observing ragotin nodding to and fro , with his hat dropt off , took him for a champion that had purposely presented himself to try his courage with him , and therefore drawing back four or five paces , as good jumpers are wont to do , he ran full speed like a horse in his full carrier , with his horny head against ragotin's bald pate , which no doubt he would have shatter'd as much as a piss-pot could have been , when thrown upon the stones , from the top of a high tower , had it not been ragotin's peculiar fortune that the assault was made while he had his head up , so that he received no other dammage than a superficial graze on the cheek by one of the ram's horns . all the company was so extremely surpriz'd at this action , that they remained for some time astonish'd , which nevertheless could not hinder them from laughing . this gave the ram an opportunity , having been used to make his course more than once , to have another run , which it seems , he performed so inconsiderately , that he run only against his knees , and therefore only wounded his hands , which had each of them a horn to stand the brunt of . ragotin finding his face to bleed and smart , tho' he was a little stunn'd , yet began to recover himself , and having open'd his eyes , which he did not do till the second shock , he soon discover'd the author of his misfortune , which he had no sooner done , but he fell to belabouring of him about the head , till the hardness of his horns made him to withdraw his hands , which finding to be all over bruiz'd , as well by buffetting as sustaining , he flew into a great rage , threatning revenge to all the company if they did not desist from laughing at him . he afterwards would have gone out of the inn in a great fury , had not his host stop● him to pay the reckoning , which you may imagine he was as unwilling to do , as he would have been willing to have put up his dammage and affronts , could he but have got off scot-free . a table of the chapters in the second part . chap. page i. which serves only as an introduction to the rest . ii. of the boots . iii. the history of mrs. cave . iv. how destiny found leander . v. leander's history . vi. a cuffing battle . the death of mine host , and other memorable matters . vii . ragotin's panick fear , follow'd by several mishaps . the adventure of the dead body . a shower of cuffs , boxes , and other surprizing accidents , worthy to have a place allotted them in this true history . viii . what became of ragotin's foot. ix . another of ragotin's misfortunes . x. how madam bouvillon could not resist a certain temptation , and besides , how she got a bunch in her forehead . xi . of what perhaps will entertain the least of the whole book . xii . which it may be will be as little diverting as the foregoing . xiii . an unhandsom action of the sieur , de la rappiniere . xiv . the iudge in her own cause , a novel . xv. a matchless piece of impudence in the sieur de la rappiniere . xvi . ragotin's misfortune . xvii . some passages between the little ragotin and the great baguenodiere . xviii . which has no occasion for a title . xix . of the two rival brother's , a novel . xx. how ragotin's sleep came to be disturb'd . the comical romance . part . iii. chap. i. which may serve for an introduction to this third part. in the last chapter of the second part of this romance , you have had little ragotin all bloody with the several repeated buttings he received from the ram , whilst he slept in a low chair in the comedians chamber , and which occasion'd him to go out thence in a great fury . but he had received so deep a wound from madam stars eys , and was withal so desirous of knowing the issue of the operator's scheme , that he could only afford himself time to wash his face and hands before he returned . as he was just entering the inn again , his brain was so disturb'd , what with the blows , and what with the darts , that he mistook an advocate then walking by to the hall , for ferdinando the operator . he therefore accosted him very civilly , and began with him after this manner , sir , i am happy in meeting you so luckily ; i have long desired this opportunity , and i was just going to your lodgings , in great hast , to have a farther account from you of what concerns either my life or death . i don't doubt but you have employ'd the utmost of your art , in schemes , to serve me all the time you slept , and i desire you to believe i would by no means be ungrateful in my acknowledgements . tell me then i beseech you dear doctor ; continu'd he , will this little charming , shining star suffer me to share any of her influence ? the advocate , who understood not a tittle of all the fine words had been spoken to him , and taking them for railery , was not long before he interrupted him . monsieur , ragotin , quoth he , if it had been a little later i should verily have thought you had been drunk , but notwithstanding , i cannot help believing that you are either a mad-man or a fool. to whom for god sake do you think you are talking , added he , and what the devil makes you talk to me of schemes , and the influences of stars ? do you take me either for an astrologer or a magician ? prethee consider a little monsieur ragotin , proceeded he , don't you know me ? ah! sir , reply'd ragotin , how unkind you are , i thought i had too well inform'd you of my malady , to have been refused a remedy . alass ! i could not — . he was just proceeding with another tedious harangue , when the advocate left him in a great passion , telling him at parting , that he was a great sot for a little man. ragotin would have followed him , but that he at length perceived his mistake , and therefore was glad to retire with shame . he had so great regard to his reputation , as to keep this a secret ; and i 'll assure you , i had never come to know it had not the advocate one day told it me , among others of his friends , to divert us . the little fool afterwards turned into the inn , and went directly to the comedians apartment , which he had no sooner enter'd , but he heard a proposition made by mrs. cave and destiny , to quit mans , and retire to some other post. this vexed him so heartily , that he was like to have dropt down from his height on the floor , and which he might have safely done , since he had no great way to fall . but what concern'd him most was , that the time of their departure was to be the next morning , when they were to bid adieu to the good town of mans , and particularly to its inhabitants , who had been their constant auditors for some time . they purposed to take their way to alençon after the old rate , having been assured that the pestilence was not there , as they had been before inform'd . i say they took their way after the old rate , for these sort of people have a constant rule of travelling , in like manner as the sun has in the zodiack . the journies they had made and were to make in this country , were first from tours to anger 's , from anger 's to la flêche , from la flêche to mans , from mans to alençon , from alençon to argentin or laval , no matter which , according to the road they have a mind to take , either to paris or britany , both being alike to them , and indifferent to us in the composition of this romance . this resolution being made by all the men and women players unanimously , they proposed to play one of their best plays , before they left mans , to the end they might leave their audience there in good humour . what this play was , never came to my knowledge . that which obliged them to go away so suddenly , was by reason that the marquess d'o●se , on whose account they had staid so long , was commanded instantly to court , insomuch that being like to have no benefactor left after he was gone , and the mansean audience diminishing every day , they purposed to go where they might be better used . ragotin would needs be endeavouring to oppose this resolution of theirs , for which purpose , he gave a great many bad reasons , whereof he had always store at command , but which were little or nothing regarded . this vexed the little man extremely , insomuch that he beg'd of the company not to go presently out of the province of maine , but to take first the tennis-court , which was in the suburbs of montfort , and afterwards they might go to laval in maine likewise , whence they might easily come into britany , according to their promise made to monsieur de la garrouffiere . this opinion of ragotin's destiny would by no means agree to , affirming that if they took his advice , they should make no work on 't , the pittiful tennis-court mention'd by him being a great way out of the town , and more than that , on the other side of the river , which would be the reason that none of the better sort of people would come near them ; when the great tennis-court , in the sheep-market of alençon , was just in the middle of the town , and moreover , surrounded with all the best houses , and therefore it were better to give something more for such a place , than any thing for the despicable tennis-court at montfort , whose good market was the only reason that ragotin had to speak for it . this last proposition was agreed to by the whole company , and therefore they immediately order'd a waggon to be got ready for their baggage , and horses for their women . the care of procuring these was left to leander , who having a great many intrigues in mans , was the likeliest man to have the best acquaintance there . next day , before they set out , they presented a comedy , tragedy , tragi-comedy or pastoral , i know not whether , but which had the success that you may imagine . the players were admir'd by every body , and destiny perform'd wonders , especially in his manner of taking leave of the audience ; for he express'd his acknowledgments and unwillingness to leave them with that tenderness and force , that he charm'd them to that degree , that as i am inform'd , some among them wept . ragotin was so concern'd that his proposal had not been follow'd , that he remained for some time like a dolt , sitting in his chair , even after the rest of the company was gone , and where i believe he had sat till now , had not the market of the tennis-court let him know that no body was left , which he had nevertheless no small trouble to make him comprehend . being at last prevail'd upon to be gone , he rise from his chair and went home , where he resolved to go find out his company the next morning , and discover to them what shall be related in the following chapter . chap. ii. where you 'll find ragotin's design . the criers of aqua vitae had not yet wak'd those that were in a profound sleep , when ragotin being already drest , was going to propose to the strolling company his inclinations to be admitted amongst them . he went then to the players lodgings , whom he found neither up nor awake , and happen'd to have the discretion to leave them as he found them . nevertheless he could not help entering one chamber , where he found olive abed with rancour . this last he desired to get up , and walk with him to la cousture , a fine abby in the suburbs of the same name , and thence to go to breakfast at the great golden star , where he had order'd a collation to be prepared for them . rancour , who was one of those who love to eat at other mens costs , was almost assoon got ready as the proposition was made him , and which you may be easily enclin'd to believe , if you consider that these sort of people are accustom'd to dress and undress behind the scenes , to act different parts , which will admit of but little delay . ragotin and rancour then march'd on towards the abby of la cousture ; but we must suppose that they called at some church by the way to say a short prayer , for ragotin's thoughts that he had in his head would not admit of a long one . he nevertheless acquainted rancour with nothing of the matter for fear it might have kept him from his breakfast , which he knew he had a greater inclination for than to give ear to any thing he could tell . 〈◊〉 they came to the inn , where being enter'd the little man 〈◊〉 to fly in a great passion because the petits pâtéz he had order'd were not yet got ready . to which the hostess answer'd , without rising off from the seat where she sat ; truly monsieur ragotin , i know not how you could expect that i should divine when you would come ; but since you are now here , the pâtéz shall not be long after you : pray walk into the hall , where you 'll find a cloth laid , and a westphalia ham to stay your stomach . this she spoke after a grave hostess-like manner , and which inclined rancour to be on her side , who turning to ragotin , cry'd , sir , pray let us comply with my hostesses proposal , and take a glass or two while our breakfast is getting ready . they sat down to table , which in a very short time after was cover'd , and they breakfasted after the mode of mans , that is to say , very heartily . they drank the same , and put about several healths , among which the reader may imagine madam stars was not forgot . little ragotin tost up above a dozen glasses successfully , sometimes sitting and sometimes standing with his hat in his hand . but at last he would needs drink his mistresses health on his knees and bare-headed , which made him to look just for all the world as if he had been doing penance at the door of some church . it was then that he earnestly reminded rancour of his promise to assist him in the conquest of madam star's heart . whereupon rancour half angry , or at least feigning to be so , answered him a little roughly . i thought monsieur ragotin you had known that i was a man that never embark'd without ammunition , i mean engaged in any thing that i were not able to bring about . be satisfied i will omit no opportunity to serve you . i tell you so again , and have ways in my head whereby to compass it . but i see one great obstacle in our way , and that is our sudden departure from hence ; the only method therefore that i can advise you in , to bring about your ends , is to be resolv'd to be admitted amongst us . you have all the qualifications for it that can be desired . you have a good mien , a strong voice , a good tone , and a better memory : and in a word , you seem to have nothing about you that looks country . you appear to have lived all your life time at court , having so much the air of it , that you might be known for a courtier above a mile off . you need not , proceeded he , to act above a dozen times before you 'll be able to out-start all our young pretenders , who must resign up the chief parts to you , and then leave the rest to me . as for the present , quoth he , you 'll have but a tough bit of her ; you must manage her with policy , wherewith i know you to have sufficient , but however a little instruction may not be amiss . i would advise you therefore not to let her know your design at your first entrance into our company , for that would certainly be the way to lose her , but rather to keep her in suspence till you have a convenient opportunity to make your addresses , and after you have sufficiently won upon her by your conversation , which i dare promise you 'll soon do . the little man had been so attentive to rancour's discourse , that he was almost ravish'd into an extasy , imagining that he had already , as we say , the wolf by the ears , when coming to himself all of a sudden , as it were out of an apoplexy , he started from the place where he sat and went to the other side of the table to embrace rancour , whom he thanked heartily for his councel , and begged of him to continue his friend in this affair , protesting at the same time that his only design in inviting him to breakfast was to have declared his mind to him concerning his being admitted of his society , and which he resolv'd forthwith to be . after this they reckon'd with their landlady , and ragotin paid all . when they were out of doors they took their course directly towards the scrollers lodgings , which was not far off from where they had been . they found the women up and drest ; but rancour had no sooner open'd rogotin's design to them than he was interrupted by a messenger from leander's father , who sent his son word by him that he was sick to death , and desired to see him before he paid that debt to nature , which all men must . this obliged all the company to lay their heads together and consult how they should bear against an accident so unexpected . leander took angelica aside and told her that his time was now come to live happy if she would but contribute towards it , otherwise he must be unfortunate tho' rich , and poor tho' he had a good income . she promised him all the favours that lay in her power , and particularly those you will meet with in the next chapter . chap. iii. leander's project and harangue , together with ragotin's admission among the strollers . the jesuites of la fleche , not having been able to make leander continue his studys , and perceiving his inclinations ran high to be a player , presently concluded that he must be in love with some actress or other , and which they were altogether confirm'd in , when after the departure of the company they found he had followed them to anvers . they therefore thought themselves oblig'd to acquaint his father therewith by a messenger on purpose , which they soon after did , and who arrived just as a letter was delivered the old gentleman from leander , whereby he gave his father to understand that he design'd for the wars , and therefore desired a sum of money to accoutre himself . this stratagem had been laid between destiny and him , when he first discovered his quality to him at the inn where he was wounded . his father soon discovering the cheat , flew into an excessive passion , which together with his great age , threw him into a distemper that quickly concluded his life . perceiving his end to approach he called one of his tenants to him , and commanded him immediately to go find out his son , which he told him he was most likely to do among the strollers . this the farmer knew as well as he , having been the man that had furnish'd leander with money from the time that he had left the college , so that understanding that there was a company of strollers at mans , he made all the haste he could thither , and found his young landlord as you have heard in the foregoing chapter . ragotin was desir'd by the company to leave them for some time to confer with the tenant newly arriv'd , which you may imagine he was very unwilling to do , yet at last he retired into an adjoining chamber , where he waited with great impatience till their business was over . they had no sooner got him out of the room but leander brought in his father's tenant , who immediately related the bad condition the old gentleman was in , as likewise his earnest desire to see his son before he died . thereupon leander immediately craved leave to comply with his father's dying request , which was judg'd reasonable to be granted by the whole company . it was then that destiny revealed the secret of leanders quality , which he had all along kept private , and which he did not come to the knowledge of till after the ravishing of madam angelica , as you may have read in the second part of this true history . he thought it now high time to let it be known , as well to disabuse mrs. cave , who could not get it out of her head but that leander was either the principal or accessory in the carrying off her daughter , as to oblige him who had done him the honour to be his serving-man , and would have continu'd so had he not found himself oblig'd to tell who he was , while he was in quest of madam angelica . he was moreover so far from consenting to the carrying away of angelica , that having met with her ravishers he had hazarded his life in her assistance , but that not having been able to resist so many people , he had been dangerously wounded , and left for dead upon the place . all the company then immediately asked his pardon for not having treated him according to his quality , which they thought themselves the more excusable for by not having any knowledge of the matter . madam star added farther , that she had always suspected something from the great store of wit and merit she had observ'd in him , and which she was afterwards confirm'd in , especially when she saw her mother mrs. caves letters from him ; nevertheless she did not know what to think when she saw him so employ'd in her brothers service . then began mrs. cave to speak , addressing her self to leander after the following manner . truly , sir , after i had in some measure discover'd your quality , by the letters you writ to my daughter , i had no small reason to distrust your sincerity , being not enclinable to believe that a person who was to have so good an estate after his fathers death , would ever condeshend to marry a poor stroller . but , continued she , i thank god the time is at length come that you are to be made happy in plentiful possessions , and i am to be deliver'd from a future possibility of being any more impos'd upon by your false pretentions . leander being extremely surpriz'd at these words , quickly reply'd , all that you say , madam , i am likely to possess , would not render me a jot happy , if i were not assur'd at the same time of the possession of your daughter angelica . without her i renounce all the fortune which nature and my father's death shall cast upon me , and i declare to you , before all this good company , that i go with so much willingness to enter upon my succession , upon no greater account than to return speedily to perform my promise to marry your daughter , which i here once more confirm , and will speedily accomplish , providing both she and you will do me the honour to afford your consents . and if so added he , i would not have you to think , that i design to carry her to my own home ; that is not at all in my intentions , for i have found so much pleasure in a strolling life , that i could never be perswaded to quit so many worthy companions that have so largely contributed towards it . after this obliging declaration , both the actors and actresses speaking altogether , return'd him their most humble acknowledgments , averring at the same time , that mrs. cave and her daughter would not be a little to blame if they refused so advantageous a proffer . angelica for her part , said no more than became one that was at her mother's disposal , only she bid leander at parting to hope , if he continued in the same mind at his return . after all the mutual endearments and tears that commonly pass between parting friends , it was agreed that leander should go the next morning upon one of the horses that had been hired ; but which he refused , chusing rather that of his tenant , which he thought would carry him better , and would leave the hackny for his companion . but we forget all this while , quoth destiny , that monsieur ragotin is waiting without to speak with us . is there none among us , added he , that knows what he would have ? hereupon rancour , who had been silent for some time , open'd his mouth , to let them know that he knew , and that that very morning he had treated him with a breakfast to procure himself an opportunity to acquaint him that he had a mind to be admitted of the company , without pretending to any share in the profits , having sufficient of his own , and which he would rather chuse to spend in seeing the world than to live altogether at mans , as he had been advised to do . hereat roquebrune presently advanced to give his opinion that he ought not to be admitted , and that for these reasons , because , said he , two poets under one roof never agree , it being with them as with women , where there are more than one there are too many . besides , quoth he , ragotin ' s shape would never suffer him to be an ornament to the stage , but would rather disgrace it : for , added he , what parts could he propose to act ? as for the principal ones monsieur destiny would not permit him to undertake them , and for the second best they belong to olive . and then for a nurse or a confidente , continu'd he , he must not pretend to either of them , his person being altogether as deform'd in a disguize as out of one . therefore , concluded he , 't is my opinion in few words , that be ought by no means to be received . and 't is mine , reply'd rancour , that he ought by all means to be received , for where there is occasion to represent a dwarf none can be so propper , and then for a monster , as that in andromeda , it was better to have a natural one at hand , than 〈◊〉 be at the trouble to contrive one that would be only artificial . he added farther , that as for speaking a part he could assure them he would be like another orpheus , that drew every thing after him . for , proceeded he , whilst olive and i were seeking after madam angelica , we overtook him riding upon an ass no bigger than himself , and repeating the adventures of pyramus and thysbe , with so good an emphasis , that several rusticks that were then going the same way , came up with him , and gave so constant attention with their hats off , that they would not leave him till they came to the inn where we all baited . if then , continued he , he could gain so far upon these rusticks what will he be able to do when he comes to speak before men of sense ? this relation made every body to laugh , and the company was thereupon resolved to hear ragotin speak for himself . he was sent for in , and after about a dozen low congées he began his harangue in the following manner . illustrious personages , and august senate of parnassus , quoth he , fancying himself , no doubt , speaking at the bar of the presidents court in mans , where he had been admitted advocate but a little before , it is a common saying , that evil company corrupts good manners , and on the contrary , good must needs improve them . this exordium , so well begun , made the company believe that he was about to preach a sermon , therefore they turned their heads one way , and t'other , and could hardly forbear laughing . some criticks perhaps may think much of the word sermon ; but why might not ragotin be thought capable of performing such a task , when he had several times sung ballads to the organs ? but however , he proceeded . i find my self so destitute of vertues , that i desire to be admitted of your illustrious society for improvement : you are the muses interpreters , the living ecchoes of their dear darlings , and your merits are so well known throughout all france , that you are admir'd even beyond the poles . as for you ladies , quoth he to the women , you charm all● those that do but look upon you ; and 't is impossible to be within the hearing of your harmonious voices , but one must needs be ravish'd into extasy . in fine , said he , you are ●eer angels of flesh and blood ; and all the poets have thought themselves happy in celebrating your praises . and for you gentlemen , continu'd he , no alexander nor caesar ever equal'd the valour of monsieur destiny , nor of the other heroes his companions , and therefore you must not wonder if i am ambitious of encreasing your number by one , which will be easy for you to suffer me to do , if you can but consent to it , i promise you moreover proceeded he , that i will be no manner of charge to ye , neither will i pretend to any share in the profits of our performances , but all along continue your most humble and most obedient servant . ragotin having thus ended his harangue , he was desired to withdraw for a minute , that the subject of what he had said might be consider'd . he withdrew , and the company was just going to proceed according to form , when the poet roquebrune threw himself in again to make a second opposition to ragotin's preferment , but he was presently thrust out by rancour , who had pushed him more violently but that he had regard to his new suit which was bought with the money he had lent him . at length it was agreed that ragotin should be admitted amongst them for the diversion of the company . he was thereupon call'd in , the accustom'd ceremonies passed , was enroll'd in the register , took an oath of fidelity , had the word given by which the strollers knew one another ; and after all , supp'd with the whole caravan . chap. iv. of leander's departure ; the strollers going for alenson , and ragotin's misfortune . after supper every body would be congratulating ragotin for the honour he had received , and which made him to swell so enormously , that he burst the waste-band of his breeches in two places . in the mean time leander took occasion to entertain his dear angelica with love storys , and to whom he reiterated his design to marry her , which he pronounc'd with so much softness and tenderness that she could answer him only with tears , whereof she shed abundance . i know not whether these proceeded from her joy at the fair promises he made her , or through her concern for his so sudden departure ; however it was , 't is certain they exchanged several mutual endearments , which were not in the least interrupted by mrs. cave . but at length night drawing on a pace , 〈◊〉 was convenient they should both retreat . leander took leave of the company and went to bed. next morning he got up ●●●●times , and set out with his fathers tenant , with that ex●●dition that he quickly arriv'd at his journies end , where he found the old gentleman very ill , who nevertheless told him he was glad to see him . he likewise expressed to him as far as he was able , the great grief his absence had caus'd him , as also that he was now come seasonably to receive his last blessing together with his estate , altho' he had been advis'd to disinherit him for the ill courses he had taken . the rest of leander's affairs we shall learn at his return . the actors and actresses being got ready drest , they took care to pack up their baggage as fast as they could , that they might be ready to depart in good time . at length all was prepar'd and nothing was wanting , except a horse for one of the women , which they had before provided , but were disappointed in . they therefore had desired olive to take care to get another just as ragotin enter'd the room , who hearing their proposition told them there was no occasion , by reason he had one that would carry double , and if they pleased either madam star or angelica should ride behind him . this he urg'd the rather , because he told them it was impossible that they should reach alençon in one day , being above leagues off ; but being oblig'd to make two of it , his horse would serve well enough for the purpose he proposed . whilst he was thus recommending his contrivance , madam star interrupted him , affirming she could not ride double ; this vexed the little man extremely , but which he was a little after the better satisfied with , when angelica told him she would . they breakfasted all together that morning , and the operator and his wife were invited ; but whilst the collation was getting ready , ragotin took an occasion to talk farther with signior ferdinando , to whom he made the same speech that he had done before to the advocate , whom he had taken for him , to which the magician answer'd , that he had try'd all that lay within the compass of his art to serve him but without effect , which made him inclinable to believe that madam star knew more of magick than he ; that her cha●●● were more powerful ; and in a word , that she must needs 〈◊〉 a dangerous person , not fit to be convers'd with . ragotin would have reply'd to these reflections on his mistress , 〈◊〉 that he was called upon to wash his hands , and sit down 〈◊〉 table , which they all did at the same time . inezilla prot●●●ed to all the company , and chiefly the women , that both 〈◊〉 and her husband were extremely concern'd at their so spe●●●● leaving them , and would willingly have waited on them 〈◊〉 alençon , to have had their conversation longer , had they 〈◊〉 been oblig'd to mount their stage and act their farces , whi●● her husband chose rather to do at mans when they were 〈◊〉 than to incommode them by doing it in the same town 〈◊〉 whither they were going , it being certain that the people would sooner run after them where they paid nothing , than go to see a play where they must pay . the company thanked both the husband and wife for their civilities and return'd them a thousand acknowledgments for their good will. the women wept , and a great many compliments pass'd between both parties , only the poet , who upon other occasions would have talk'd as much as four , upon this spoke not one word , the parting with inezilla being so cruel a thunder-stroke to him , that tho' he fancied himself all over cover'd with laurel , the common preservative against thunder , yet could he not secure his carcass . the waggon being loaded , and ready to set out , mrs. cave took her place as she had done formerly , in the beginning of this romance , madam star mounted upon a horse which destiny led , and angelica got up behind ragotin , who took care to avoid the same accident in mounting as had before befallen him . all the rest went on foot in the same order as they came to mans. when they were got to a little wood about a league from the town , a stag that was then hunting by the marquess of lavardin's servants , happen'd to cross the road , which ragotin's horse that went before perceiving , was extremely affrighted at , which obliging ragotin to quit his stirrups , he at the same time clap'd his hand on the carabine he had by his side , and thinking to kill the stag , he happen'd to touch the trigger before he had well mounted the piece , whereby , being greatly charg'd , the carabine recoil'd , and threw him off , and striking at the same instant against angelica's side forc'd her off likewise , but who received little or no harm . as for ragotin , it was his misfortune to fall against the slump of a tree , which was about a foot out of the ground , whereby he got a bump on his left temple , which by a bandage with a piece of silver instead of lead was soon cured . this accident caus'd a great deal of laughter in the company , after they saw there was no more harm done , but which they would otherwise have forborn . the little man nevertheless was extremely enrag'd at their making a jest of his misfortune . being remounted , together with angelica , he would needs charge his carabine again , but which she would by no means suffer him to do . they then proceeded on their journy , and at last came to a little inn where they were to bait . the actors for their parts must take an afternoons luncheon , and the actresses proposed to lye on the bed , as well to repose themselves 〈◊〉 to observe how lustily their companions eat and drank . the briskest drinkers were rancour and ragotin , who were so ●●●●tly engag'd to angelica's health , which they thought no body had observ'd , that she was forc'd to call out to the latter to bid him drink less and take more care of his charge for the future . this caused a cessation of arms , or rather of glasses between the two combatants . after some time the reckoning was paid , and the horses brought out , and they all set forwards on their journey . the weather was fine , and the road good , which permitted them to arrive betimes at a town called vivain . they there went to the sign of the cock , being the best inn in the town . the hostess , who was none of the best natur'd women in the province of maine , made a great deal of difficulty to receive them , telling them that she had no bed room . her company it seems was a general receiver , an excise man , and four or five pedlers . rancour thinking to give a cast of his office , told his landlady that they desired only a chamber for the women , and as for the men they would pig in any where . this calm dealing somewhat abated the pride of our lady-hostess . she admitted them therefore , and they did not unload their waggon , but lock'd it up in a stable which they found at the bottom of the yard . the women had a chamber assign'd them , where the company all supp'd together . after supper the men retir'd , leaving the women to go to bed in two beds , viz. madam star in one , and mrs. cave and her daughter angelica in the other . you may imagine they did not forget to take the key in the inside of the door , as did not likewise the two receivers , who had order'd their portmantues top full of money to be brought into their chambers . but the unwary pedlers were not so cautious , for they took not that care , but admitted rancour and olive to lie in the same room where they had their packs . there were three bed in the room , whereof the pedlers had two , and rancour and olive the other one . rancour slept not a wink all night , watching for an opportunity to put his design in execution when the pedlers were a sleep . at last he got up , thinking they were fast , and going softly towards the packs , he was interrupted by one of the pedlers , who being overtaken with 〈◊〉 looseness , was forc'd to rise to ease his belly . this made rancour to return in some haste to his bed. in the mean time the pedler who had been used to lodge in this inn , and knew all the ways out and in , went to a door that open'd into a little gallery , at the end whereof was the house of office. th●● he did not to incommode the venerable comedians with a 〈◊〉 smell . when he had done he went to return from whence 〈◊〉 came ; but instead of going the right way , he descended 〈◊〉 the other side , and went by a private door into the receivers chamber , where approaching the first bed he met , and believing it his own , he heard an unknown voice demand of him who was there ? this caus'd him to turn , without saying a word , to the other bed , where he heard the same thing , but spoke with a more angry accent . this last person call'd out at the same time for a candle , affirming there was some body in his room . hereupon the host made the servant to rise immediately , and see what was the matter ; but before she could possibly strike a light , the pedler had got out of the room , and was coming into his own chamber , but before he came , rancour that had heard all the difference between him and his neighbours , for there was was only a thin partition between them , resolv'd to lose no time , and therefore having dexterously unty'd the cords of one of the packs , he took out thence two pieces of linnen , which having done , he fasten'd the cords again as artificially as if they had never been open'd ; for he knew perfectly well that secret , known only to those of his fraternity , as well as he did their marks and cyphers . he was just going to attack another of the packs when the pedler entred the chamber , who hearing him walk about demanded who was there ? rancour who never wanted an excuse at a pinch , after having thrust the two pieces of linnen into his own bed , told him that the maid had forgot to set him a chamber-pot , and that therefore he was looking for the window to piss out at ; whereupon the pedler , who was not yet got into bed , reply'd , stay , sir , if you please , i 'll go open it for you , for i know better where it is than you do ? this having not only said but done , he immediately leap'd into bed , and left rancour to piss out at the window , which he did as copiously as when he bedew'd the merchant of lower maine , while he lay with him in an inn at mans , as you may find that he did in the tenth chapter of the first part of this romance . he afterwards went directly to his bed , without shutting the window . the pedler cry'd out to him that he ought not to have left it open , and he cried out to the pedler that he might shut it if he pleas'd , for as for his part he should not trouble his head about it any more , having scarce been able to find the way to his bed when it was shut . the pedler fearing rancour had a mind to make a squabble of it , rise without any more ado and shut the window , and afterwards grop'd his way out to bed again . all this while the host and hostess were bawling like mad at their maid to light the candle , which she was endeavouring to , but as the proverb has it , the more haste the less speed , this sorry wench had been above an hour blowing the small-coal before she could raise a spark of fire . this caus'd her master mistress to curse her at no common rate , and the receivers began to be more and more enraged to find they could not get a candle , when they had called for it so often . at length it was lighted , and the host , and hostess , and servant went together into the receivers room , where finding no body , they told them they had done ill to alarum all the family for no reason . but they on the contrary maintained that they had both seen and heard a man in their chamber , and more than that , had talk'd with him . the host hearing this , went into the strollers chamber , and demanded of them and the pedlers , whether any of them had been in their neighbours room ? they all answer'd , no , none of us had been out of bed except that monsieur yonder , meaning rancour , who was forc'd to rise to piss out at the window , your maid not having set him a chamber-pot . hereat the host presently fell on the servant for her neglect , and afterwards went to the receivers again , telling them they must needs have dreamt that some body was in their room , since not a soul had been stirring that way as he could hear of . after this he left them , wishing them to go to sleep again , it not being yet day . assoon as it was well light rancour got up , and demanding the key of the stable , went to hide the purchase he had got in the waggon . chap. v. what happen'd to the strollers between vivain and alençon , together with another of ragotin's misfortunes . all the heroes and heroines of this strolling company got out betimes , and took the high road to alençon , and in a little while arrived safe at bourg le roy , the king's town , called by the vulgar boulerey . here they dined , and staid for sometime , during which , they debated whether they should go by arsonnay , a village about a league from alençon , or whether they should take to the other side to avoid ba●●●● a road where in the hottest summer there is dirt , and wherein the horses often plunge up to their bellies . being not able to conclude the matter amongst themselves , they consulted the waggoner , who told them his horses would carry them through the worst of quagmires , they being the very best for draft of any in mans. also that they had not above half a mile of bad way , whereas if they went by the common of st. pater , they would find the roads dirtier , and longer continue so . he remember'd them likewise , that the horses and waggon only would go in the dirt , and that the foot people might step over into the fields and walk there secure . at length they pitch'd upon the former road , and madam star desired the waggoner to let her know when they came to the dirt , because she chose rather to go on foot in good way , than to ride on horse-back through a bog . of the same mind were angelica and mrs. cave , who had some apprehensions that the waggon might overturn , when they were just about entering into this bad way , angelica slip'd off from ragotin's horse's crupper , destiny set down madam star , and some others of the company handed mrs. cave out of the waggon . hereupon roquebrune whip'd up upon stars horse , and followed ragotin , who went just after the waggon . when they were got into the very worst place of all the road , and where there was only room for the waggon to pass safe , they met about twenty carriers horses , driven by five or six country fellows , who bawl'd out like mad to the waggoner to stop , but which he little regarded , requiring the same thing of them in a much higher tone , and alledging that he could turn on neither side without inevitable plunging into the bog . the carriers thinking to get the better by their expedition trotted briskly up to him , and bawl'd out so loud that the waggoners horses took fright and broke their traces , throwing themselves at the same time into the bog , whilst the waggoner endeavouring to keep his waggon from following them , weigh'd one of the wheels too much on the other side , which finding no firm ground to support it overthrevv the vvhole machine in the mud. hereat ragotin being extremly incens'd against the carriers , for having been the occasion of this accident , thunder'd out anathemas against them like one possess'd , and thinking to come at them on the right side , vvhere he savv the vvay open , he rid furiously against them vvith his carabine cock'd ; but he had no sooner enter'd the mud than he stuck so fast , that he vvas fa● not only to disengage his legs from out of his stirrups , but likevvise to quit his saddle , and leap off into the bog , vvhere he presently sunk so deep that he vvas up to his armpits , and had been quickly to his chin if he had not extended his arms. this unexpected accident caused all the passengers that travelled in the fields to stop and lend their assistance . poet roquebrune likewise , who had hitherto out brav'd all the assaults of fortune , was now glad to retire to a dry place . the carriers perceiving so many men for their enemies , all arm'd with fusces , thought it but prudence to retire as fast as they could , and take to another road. in the mean time it was judg'd highly necessary to remedy the disorder that had happen'd as soon as possible , and therefore they propos'd to begin with monsieur ragotin and his horse , who were both in no small danger of being suffocated . olive and rancour were the two first that ventur'd to assist them ; but the nearer they approach'd them the deeper they sunk in the mud , insomuch that having try'd several places , and found them all the same , rancour , who had always an expedient at hand in cases of necessity , proposed without laughing to draw ragotin out of the danger , wherein he was , by one of the cart ropes , one end to be fasten'd to his neck and the other to the horses , who were then got out into the dry road. this proposition made all the company to laugh except ragotin , who was not a little affraid of its being executed upon him , nevertheless , at last the waggoner , who had run a great hazard in getting out the horses , did the same for him , insomuch that seizing him fast by the collar , he at several pulls drew him out of his hole , and drag'd him into the fields where his company were waiting for him , who could not forbear laughing to see him in that pickle . this done , the waggoner returned to bring out the horse , who beginning to exert himself , by the help of a little whipping flounc'd about the mud , and at length got quite out . last of all olive , rancour , and the waggoner , being all-over bemir'd with dirt , joined to get out the waggon , which they soon performed by their united endeavours , and loaded it again with the baggage . the horses were put in again into their traces , and ragotin remounted his courser , tho' that with some difficulty , his girts being all broken . angelica would by no means get up behind him again , for fear of spoiling her cloaths . mrs. cave and madam star chose to walk on foot likewise , all whom destiny accompanied to the sign of the green oaks , which was the only inn to be met with between mans and the suburbs of montfort . here they staid , not caring to enter the town in the condition they were in . after those that had took the most pains had drank to refresh themselves , they spent the rest of the day in drying their cloaths , having taken fresh to put on out of their trunks , which variety had been presented them by the gentry of mans. the actresses supp'd but lightly , having lost their stomacks by the great fatigue they had undergone in walking , and which inclined them to go soon to bed. the actors not only eat but drank heartily before they would go to bed. they were in about their first sleep , being near eleven a clock at night , when a company of men came and knock'd at the gate of the inn , asking for beds . the host answer'd them his lodgings were full , and besides , that it was an unseasonable time o'night for them to require any . notwithstanding this answer they knock'd the more , and threaten'd to break down the gate unless it were speedily open'd to them . destiny , who had always carried saldaigne in his mind , thought that this must needs be he , who was come to carry star away by force ; but having look'd out of the window , he perceiv'd by the help of the moon , that then shone very bright , a man among them with his hands tied behind him , which having whisper'd to his companions who were all ready prepar'd to receive saldaigne ; ragotin cry'd out it was monsieur de la rappiniere , who had got some high-way man into his custody , for that he was in quest of one . they afterwards were confirm'd in this opinion , when they heard them from without command the host in the king's name to open the gates . but why the devil , quoth rancour , could they not have carried their prisoner to mans , or to the viscounty of beaumont , or at worst , why could they not go to fresnay ? at all which places there are prisons , when there is none here . there must , proceeded he , be some mystery in this . the host thought himself however oblig'd to open to la rappiniere , who entred with ten archers and a prisoner bound after the manner i have told you . this prisoner was in a merry humour , and could not forbear laughing , especially as often as he look'd upon la rappiniere , which he often did steadfastly , and which was the reason that he was not carried to mans. now you must know la rappiniere , having had notice that there were several robberies committed , and houses broken open and pillag'd , set himself diligently about looking after the rogues . as it happen'd , whilst he and his archers were hunting about for them near the forest of persaine , they saw a man come out of the wood , who perceiving a company of horse-men , return'd with haste in again , which caus'd la rappiniere to believe that he must needs be one of those he look'd after . having caught him they were extremely surpriz'd that he answer'd only confus'dly , and yet at the same time laugh'd in la rappiniere's face , who the more he look'd upon him the more he fancied he had seen him somewhere , but could not remember where . the reason of his not being able to recollect himself was , that at the time of their acquaintance short hair and long beards were worn , but this man had long hair and no beard , and moreover wore different cloaths from what he did when they were acquainted . all this entirely disguiz'd him from la rappiniere's knowledge . la rappiniere when he went to bed , which he did after he had well supp'd , committed him to the custody of two of the archers , who tied him to an old fashion'd bench in the kitchen , and so went to sleep in their chairs , leaving him to do the like if he pleased on the pavement . next morning destiny was up first in the house , who going into the kitchen , saw the archers asleep in their chairs , and a man with his hands ty'd behind him , fasten'd to a bench , and lying along awake upon the stones , who making a sign to him , to come near him , he was not a little surpriz'd , when the prisoner ask'd him if he did not remember that he was once robb'd on the pont-neuf at paris , and lost among other things a small picture in a box ? i was then , continu'd he , with the sieur la rappiniere , who being at that time our captain , forced me to attack you . you know all that passed besides . i have learn'd , proceeded he , that you have been inform'd of all by doguin , on his death-bed , and i have likewise understood that la rappiniere has restor'd you your box , nevertheless , you have now a fair opportunity to revenge your self on him . as for my part , added he , should they carry me to mans , as i do not know but they may , i should be surely hang'd there ; but then , concluded he , it is also in yours and my power to make him dance the same dance . it is but joining your evidence with mine , and you may guess how a iury of mans would deal by him . destiny having heard this left the prisoner , and waited for la rappiniere's rising . being come down stairs he met him in an entry , and taking him aside , acquainted him with all that the highway-man had told him , adding withal , that he might well see he was not revengeful , since he declined taking advantage of what he had heard , and instead thereof , advis'd him to be gone , and leave the criminal to shift for himself . la rappiniere would have staid till the actresses were stirring , had not destiny frankly told him that madam star could not behold him without the most just indignation imaginable . he insinuated to him moreover , that if the vnder-baily of alençon should come any ways to hear of his crime , he would certainly send quickly to seize him . this he himself was likewise inclinable to believe , and therefore having first unloos'd the prisoner , and set him at liberty , he mounted on horseback , together with his archers , pretending to them that he had been mistaken in the man , and went his way without paying his reckoning , according to custom , and likewise without returning destiny thanks ; but which last omission was wholly to be attributed to the disorder and confusion he was in . after he was gone , destiny called up roquebrune , olive and the decorator , and they went together into the town , to the great tennis-court , where they found six gentlemen playing a partie . they presently went to enquire for the master of the court , and those that were in the gallery knowing they were players , acquainted the six gentlemen therewith , and that there was amongst them one of a better mien than ordinary . the gentlemen after a little while finish'd their partie , and went up stairs to be rubb'd and dry'd , whilst destiny came into the court , and discoursed the master . at length the gentlemen came down again half drest and saluted destiny , asking him several questions concerning his company , particularly how many they were ? whether there was any good actors among them ? if they had good cloaths ? and whether their women were handsom ? all which questions destiny answer'd to their satisfaction , in return for which civility , they ofter'd him all the service they were capable of doing him , and having desir'd the master to help them on with the rest of their cloaths , they told destiny they would gladly drink with him , if he would but have patience till they were quite drest . destiny accepted their proffer , being glad to get as many friends as he could to assist him , in case saldaigne should pursue him , which he was yet under an apprehension of . in the mean time the hire of the tennis-court was agreed on , and the decorator was dispatch'd to the joiner , to give him orders to fit up a play-house according to his model . the gentlemen being at length drest , destiny addrest himself to them with so graceful a mien , and so much good sence , that they soon conceived a more than ordinary kindness for him . they demanded of him where his company lay , and having understood from him that it was at the green oaks in the suburbs , they proposed to him to go and drink a glass , and eat a bit with him and his friends where he pleased . a place was nam'd , and they met altogether except the women , where they breakfasted heartily . you may imagine their discourse was chiefly about acting and plays . they afterwards went altogether to the womens lodgings , whom they found just setting down to dinner , which was the reason that the gentlemen staid but little with them ; but nevertheless long enough to offer them all the service and protection imaginable , which was much in their power to perform being the very top gentry of the town , after dinner their strolling baggage was carried to the golden cup ; being the lodging destiny had taken for them , and after a little while their theatre being ready , they began to act , in which exercise we will leave them to shew they were no novices , and return to see what became of saldaigne after his fall . chap. vi. saldaigne's death . you have seen in the twelfth chapter of the second part of this romance how saldaigne kept his bed in the baron d'arque's house in verville's appartment , on account of a fall , as likewise , how his servants had got so unmercifully drunk in a country inn , not above two leagues off from the said house , and where verville's man had no small trouble to make them comprehend that the lady they had in charge was escap'd , and that the man his master had sent along with them followed her on another horse . after they had a little rubbed their eyes , and yawn'd three or four times a piece , as also stretch'd out their arms as often to adjust their chine-bones , they put themselves into a posture of pursuit . verville's man nevertheless led them a quite contrary way from what the lovers had taken , and that by his masters orders , so that having wandred about for two or three days in a fruitless search , they at last return'd to their master saldaigne , who was not yet either out of his bed or cured of his fall , and related to him that the lady had got from them , but that the person whom monsieur verville procur'd them was gone after her . saldaigne was like to run mad at the first hearing of this news , and soon gave his servants to understand , that it was well for them that he was confin'd to his bed , for had he been able to stand , or to lift but one leg from out of the sheets , he would have made them sensible by innumerable bastinado's , that their intolerable negligence was not to be excused by words . he flew into that violent passion , and thunder'd out so many curses against them , that he quite baffled the surgeon's art , and brought the fever again upon him , so that when he came at night to dress him , he apprehended a gangreen in his thigh , from the great inflammation his disorder had occasion'd there . he also observ'd a kind of livid colour on the part , which being a farther bad symptom , caused him to go immediately and find out verville , to whom he related the whole unfortunate accident . verville seem'd much astonish'd at the relation , and wonder'd how the occasion of such an accident could happen , which he nevertheless knew well enough , having been inform'd of all before by his servant . he notwithstanding pretended a great deal of ignorance , and went immediately to visit saldaigne , till having enquir'd the cause of his alteration , and hearing it from his own mouth , he at length redoubled his grief by confessing to him that he had been the contriver of what had befallen him , and that rather to have done him a service than diskindness , which had been never in his thoughts . for said he to him , you may remember that no body would entertain this woman when you run away with her , and i declare to you , that tho' i did suffer your wife , my sister , to lodge her within my fathers house , yet it was only with design to procure an opportunity to restore her to her brother and friends . tell me i beseech you , proceeded he , what do you think would have become of you , if information had been given in against you , and you had been taken up for a rape ? could you have procured your pardon think you , and don 't you yet know that the king never passes by crimes of that nature ? you fancied perhaps , added he , that the meanness of her known birth , and the baseness of her profession would in great measure have got you excused ; but do not slatter your self in that , for i would have you to know , that she is the daughter both of a gentleman and gentlewoman , and therefore your hopes would fail you there . besides , continu'd he , tho' all the efforts of iustice should not be able to hurt you , yet remember that she has a brother who would surely be reveng'd on you for debauching his sister . he is a man of courage you know , and you have experienc'd it in divers rencounters , therefore one would think that single consideration should encline you rather ro value than persecute him as you have long done . 't is high time now to cease that vain pursuit , or you may quickly come to repent of not having done it . this discourse that one would have thought might have both enclin'd saldaigne to have reflected and repented , served rather to encrease his resentments , and make him entertain strange resolutions , which tho' he dissembled for the present to verville , yet he endeavour'd afterwards to put in practise . he made what hast he could to get cur'd , and as soon as he found himself in a condition to mount a horse , he took leave of verville , and at the same time posted towards mans , thinking to have found the company of strollers there , but having been inform'd that they were gone thence to alençon , he forthwith resolved to follow them thither . passing by vivain he baited his men , and three cut-throats that he carried along with him at the cock , where the strollers had lodg'd . he was no sooner come into the yard but he heard a great noise . upon enquiring into the matter it appear'd to be the pedlers , who having been going to a fair at beaumont had on the road discovered the theft committed on them by rancour , and were return'd to complain to their hostess , requiring satisfaction , but who told them she thought her self not oblig'd to make it them , by reason that they did not entrust her with their packs , but had had them carried into their chamber . that 's true , quoth the pedlers , but why the devil did you put us to lodge in the same room with those iugglers , those mountebanks , for no doubt it was some of them that robbed us ? well , reply'd the hostess , but did ye find any of your packs slit or torn , or the cords unloos'd ? neither of all three , answer'd the pedlers , and that is that which most surprizes us , for we found the cords ty'd after the same manner as we had left them in . how then would you have me to repair your loss , quoth the hostess , get you about your business for a company of impudent rogues ? the pedlers were just a going to reply when saldaigne swore that if they did not cease their bawling he would beat them most unmercifully . the poor pedlers thereupon seeing so many lusty fellows all disguiz'd , thought it but prudence to hold their peace , however waited for an opportunity when they were gone to renew their dispute with the hostess . after saldaigne and his men and horses had refresh'd themselves a little , they set forward for alençon , where they arrived very late . saldaigne for his part could not sleep a wink all night , and that for thinking on the manner of revenging himself on destiny for taking his booty from him , and as his inclinations had been always brutal , so were the resolutions he came to . next day he resolved to go to the p●ay , which was pompey the great of corncille , and sent one of his companions before to take places for four . as for himself he came muffled up his cloak to avoid discovery , but the rest were in querpo , being not known . all the time the play was acting he was as much tormented as the audience was pleas'd , for all admir'd at the admirable action of madam star , who represented cleopatra . when the play was ended , saldaigne and his friends staid behind all the company , being resolv'd to attack destiny before they went away . but how luckily were they prevented , for this company of strollers had gain'd so far both upon the nobless and all the best citizens of alençon of either sex , that they never came to the theatre , or return'd thence , without a great number to attend them . the same night a young widow-lady , by name ville fleur , invited the actresses to supper in saldaigne's hearing , which they out of modesty declin'd accepting of , but being pressed thereto with a great deal of obliging compulsion , they at length consented , and promised to come . after which they retir'd likewise , but accompanied as the men , with a great number of persons of the best note . among the rest were those gentlemen that destiny found at the tennis-court when he first came to hire it . this second defeat almost made saldaigne despair , till at length he resolv'd on one of the most villainous actions that could be thought on by man , and that was to carry off star when she came out of madam ville fleur's house , and to stab all those that opposed him , under covert of the night . the three actresses went to wait on the lady according to their promise , and great numbers of gallants came likewise to wait on them . now saldaigne imagin'd it as easy to carry off star at this juncture , as he had found it to be before , when she was conducted on horseback by destiny's man. he took therefore one of the strongest horses he had , and putting him into the hands of one of his men he plac'd him at one of the doors of madam ville fleur's house , which open'd into a narrow street near the pallace , believing that upon some slight pretence or other he might get her out of the house , and then he would mount her on horseback , and carry her whither he pleased . whilst he was thus feeding his fancy with vain chimera's , and imagin'd his booty already in his possession , and ecclesiastick who lov'd good company , and had scrap'd some small acquaintance with our strollers , happen'd to be going that night to officiate his vespers at madam ville fleur's , and who perceiving a lackey , whose livery he did not know , to stand at her door , began to enquire of him , who he was , what he did there , and whether his master was in the house ? to all these questions the fellow answer'd so confusedly that the priest had just reason to believe him a rogue . he went therefore up into the room , where all the company was , and gave them account of what he had observ'd , telling them moreover , that he feared that there was an ambuscade laid for some body or other , for that he had heard several people walking about in the darker part of the narrow street . destiny had taken notice that one of the audience had hid his face in his cloak , and having his enemy saldaigne always in his thoughts , did not doubt but that must have been he ; nevertheless he concealed his imaginations , and thought it sufficient for the present only to guard the women to madam ville-fleur's house , where they were to sit up all night , with as much company as they could get ; but when he came to understand from the ecclesiastick what i have before told you , he immediately concluded that saldaigne was once more contriving to carry off his dear star. this caus'd him and his company to enter into an immediate consultation what they had best to do . at last they concluded they would wait the event , and if no body appear'd among them before they broke up , they would go away with as much caution as they could . whilst they had just determin'd what to do , an unknown person enter'd the room , and enquir'd for madam star. upon her coming to him , he inform'd her that a lady of her acquaintance desir'd to speak a word with her in the street , and begg'd she would only come down for a moment . every body then presently knew that this was the method saldaigne had proposed to himself to procure the possession of his mistress by , and therefore immediately got themselves into a posture to receive him . it was not thought sit that any of the actresses should be suffer'd to go down , and therefore they borrow'd one of madam ville-fleurs chamber-maids for that purpose . she was no sooner come into the street but saldaigne seiz'd her , and offer'd to mount her upon his horse ; but he was not a little surpriz'd when he perceiv'd himself surrounded on all sides with arm'd men , whereof some had come by the great door round the market-place , and the others by the lesser door . hereupon saldaigne , who had always had no more consideration than his horse , and scarce so much , let fly a pistol among them , and slightly wounded one of the actors before he well knew whether they were come as his friends or his enemies . this rash attempt had half a dozen shot immediately return'd , whereof one enterd his head , and two others his body . his companions who were out upon the scout hearing a noise of several discharges , instead of coming up to assist their friend , fled incontinently , as such rascally bullies commonly do where they find any resistance . a light was forthwith called for , to view the wounded man who was fallen on the ground ; but no body knew him except the strollers , who assured the company that it was saldaigne . he was thought to be dead , tho' he really was not , and which occasion'd the by-standers to lend his lackey their assistance to throw him athwart his horse . being carried after this manner to his lodging , when he came there his host presently discover'd some signs of life in him , and consequently did all that lay in their power to recover him , which notwithstanding prov'd ineffectual , for he died the next day after . being dead his corps was carried into his own country , where he was received with feign'd sorrow by his sisters and their husbands , both lamenting outwardly for their loss , but inwardly they were not a little glad of his death . and i dare be bold to say , that madam st. far his wife , wished him no better fate . in the mean time justice was fain to bestir her stumps a little in quest of the murderers , but no body being found , nor any body making a complaint ; besides , the persons that could be most suspected being of the best gentry of the town , the prosecution was let fall . the actresses were conducted to their lodgings , where they learnt the next day that saldaigne was dead , which caused them to rejoice exceedingly , being thereby out of danger of any future disturbance , meeting every where with friends , except in him and his adherents . chap. vii the sequel of mrs. caves history . the day after saldaignes death destiny and olive went to return their hearty thanks to the ecclesiastick , who was at that time prior of st. lewis , for having deliver'd them from a plague that they could never otherwise have got rid of . this priory was a title rather honorary than beneficial , belonging to a little church situate in an island made by the river sartha , and between the two bridges of alençon . you must not wonder if both the actors and actresses of this company of strollers receiv'd a benefit from a priest , since you might have perceiv'd throughout the whole comical adventures of this famous history , how many services and good offices have been done them by curates . this prior , who before had had but a slender acquaintance with our strollers , by this signal token of kindness had contracted so great a friendship with them , that they interchangeably visited and eat together almost every day . now one day while monsieur the prior was in the strollers chamber , which by the by , you must take notice was on a friday , when they did not act , destiny and madam star entreated mrs. cave to proceed with the account of her life . she for her part was at first a little loth to comply with their request , till at length being prevail'd upon , and having cough'd three or four times , spit as often , and as some will have it , gravely wip'd her mouth with her handkerchief , she just began to get her self into a readiness to speak , when the prior was offering to begone , believing it seems , that she might have something to deliver which she would not have every body know . he was notwithstanding stop'd by all the company , and unanimously desired by them to stay , they assuring him that they would be exceeding glad to have him take part of their adventures . and i dare say , quoth star to him , being a woman of a ready wit , you your self have had a share of some in your time , for you don't by any means seem to me to be a person that has always worn a cassock . these words confounded the prior a little at first , but who afterwards coming to himself , he frankly own'd that he had had adventures in his time , which possibly might not prove unacceptable in a romance , in the room of many fabulous stories it is commonly stuffed with . to which star briskly reply'd , that she was very well satisfied they would be entertaining , and therefore immediately engag'd him in the relating of some of them the first opportunity they should have . her request he promised to gratify , and then mrs. cave proceeded with her account after the following manner . the dog that frighted us prevented what i was then going to say , and what ye shall now hear . the proposal the baron of sig●gnac caus'd to be made to my mother , by the good curate , that he would marry her , afflicted her no less than it pleased me , as i have already told you ; but what encreased her affliction was , that she could not propose a way to herself how she might get out of his house . to do it alone she thought would be to little purpose , since she could not think to get far before he would certainly send and overtake her , and perhaps abuse her to boot . moreover we thereby ran a risque of losing our baggage , which was the only thing we had left to subsist on . at length fortune offered us an opportunity to escape the most plausible that could be , which was this , this baron who had always hitherto been of a morose inflexible temper , was all of a sudden chang'd from his insensible brutality to the sof●est of passions , love , and that to so great excess , that he became even sick with the violence of it ; nay more , sick to death . at the beginning of his illness my mother would needs be frequently offering her service , but she no sooner came near his bed than he always began to rave . this my mother perceiving , and being a woman of no common contrivance , she immediately apply'd herself to his servants , telling them that she observ'd her daughter and she were rather an hindrance to their lord's recovery than a help , and therefore desir'd of them to procure us horses for our selves , and a waggon for our baggage , and she would be gone . this the servants would by no means hearken to , till at length the curate coming , and having understood the baron was raving , resolv'd forthwith to deliver him from the occasion thereof , and immediately setting about it he soon provided us with all those necessaries we requir'd . next morning we loaded the cart with our equipage , and after having taken leave of the servants , but especally of the obliging curate , we set forth and arriv'd at night at a little town of perigord , whose name i have forgot , but which i nevertheless remember to be the same place from whence a surgeon had been fetch'd to my mother , when she was wounded by the baron of sigognac's servants , who took us for gypsies . we alighted and went to an inn , where we were immediately discover'd for what we were ; for the chamber-maid no sooner saw us but she cry'd out aloud to her companions , courage my hearts ! we shall quickly have play acted here , since the rest of the company are arriv'd , this gave us to understand that there were some strollers in the town , which we were heartily glad of , being in hopes that we might have the good fortune to join with them , and so get our lifelihoods , and wherein , as it happen'd , we were not deceiv'd , for the morning following , after we had just discharg'd our waggon and horses , two actors who had heard of our arrival came to see us , who acquainted us that one of their companions with his wife having quitted their company , we if we pleas'd might have their places , which if we would but condescend to accept of he promised himself that they might perform wonders . my mother who was always very obliging accepted their proffer , and it was agreed that she should have the chief parts , another woman that was among them the second , and i such as they should assign me , or think me capable of , for i was but then thirteen or fourteen years of age at farthest . we continu'd acting here about fifteen days , this town being no sufficient to maintain us any longer . my mother press'd heartily to be gone , and to leave this country , having a dread upon her that assoon as the baron were recover'd he might make search after us , and give us some affront . we consequently set out and rid near leagues before we pitch'd upon any place where to act. the master of the company , whose name was belle fleur , talk'd of marriage to my mother , but which she absolutely refused , conjuring him at the same time not to trouble himself with making love to her , since she began to be somewhat old , and moreover had enter'd into a vow never to marry again . belle-fleur hearing this my mothers resolution , troubled her with no more of his addresses . we rubb'd on three or four years with success . at length i began to grow up , and my mother became so crazy that she could not well act her parts , wherefore the company having a tolerable opinion of my performance , i was substituted in her place . belle-fleur who found he could not have my mother , demanded me of her for his wife , but which favour she again deny'd him , having a mind to take the first opportunity to retire to marseilles . but falling afterwards sick at troyes in champagne , and fearing to leave me behind her unmarried in case she should die , she communicated to me belle-fleurs request . present necessity oblig'd me to accept of the proffer , tho' he was old enough to be my father , yet considering that he was a very honest man , i was the easier induc'd to consent to marry him . my mother then had the satisfaction to see me married before she died , which happen'd in a few days after . i was concern'd as much as a good daughter ought to be , which nevertheless wore away in a little time . i began then to apply my self altogether to my business again , and in a short time became with child . the day of my lying down being come , i brought into the world this daughter angelica you see here , who cost me so many tears , and is like to cost a great many more if i continue much longer in this world. as she was going to proceed with her relation , destiny interrupted her , telling her she might promise herself a great deal of satisfaction for the future instead of disquiet , since that so rich a gentleman as leander desir'd her daughter for his wife . whilst mrs. cavi was about to finish her account , leander enter'd the room and saluted all the company : he was all drest in black , and attended by three footmen in black likewise , which presently gave every body reason to conceive that his father was dead in earnest . the prior left the company and went his way ; and 't is here that i conclude this chapter . chap. viii . the end of mrs. caves history . after leander had finished his compliments upon his arrival , destiny told him , that he must desire leave , both to condole him for the loss of his father , and to congratulate him on account of the great estate he had left him . leander thank'd him for both , but as for his father's death , he told him , that he had long expected it with impatience . nevertheless , added he , i do not intend to forsake my profession , which has been always so pleasant to me , however , must desire that my appearing on the stage may be dispenc'd with , till such time as we are got farther off from the place of my nativity . this request was forthwith granted by all . after which , madam star desir'd to know of leander what title she must salute him by for the future . his answer was , that his father's title was baron of roche-pierre , which he had a right to use if he pleas'd , but that having resolv'd to continue among them , he determin'd to be call'd by no other name than that of leander , being the same under which he had been so happy as to be thought acceptable to his dear angelica . this name therefore , quoth he , i am resolv'd to carry along with me to my grave , as well for the reason just foregoing , as to convince ye all , that i am indispensably dispos'd to perform punctually what i promis'd to the company at my departure hence . at these words embraces were renew'd , many sighs breath'd forth , some tears shed , and all in general approv'd of the generous resolution of leander , who approaching angelica , bestow'd a thousand endearing protestations on her , all which she return'd with so much wit and good nature , that he was more and more confirm'd in his resolution . i would willingly have given you the particulars of their entertaining each other , but that i am not in love as they were . leander told the company farther , that he had regulated all his affairs , and put new tenants into most of his farms , who having paid fines amounting in all to near livres , he had brought the same along with him , to the end that in case the company wanted money , he might supply them . he receiv'd abundance of thanks for this noble offer . then ragotin , who had hardly appear'd in the two foregoing chapters , came forward , and desir'd that since monsieur leander had been pleas'd to declare that he would not act whilst the players continued in this country , that he might have his parts , which he promis'd he would perform to all the advantage imaginable . whereupon , roquebrune , who had always been his opposite , rose up , and said , that he humbly conceiv'd , leander's parts belong'd rather to him , than to such a whipper-snapper as he . this word made all the company to laugh ; after which destiny acquainted the two candidates , that their several merits should be considered , and justice be speedily done them . then mrs. cave was desir'd to go on with her history , but first the prior of st. lewis was to be sent for , to the end that having heard hers , he might be the better able to relate his own . great attention was given , and she began again thus . as i remember i left off at my lying in of angelica . i have already told you , the two strollers came to desire us to join with them , but did not tell you , that those two were olive and another who left ye afterwards , in whose room came our poet roquebrune . but to come to the greatest of my misfortunes , i must tell you , that one day as we were acting the liar of monsieur corneille , in a certain town of flanders , a footman that had been keeping a place for his lady that was not yet come , left it and went a drunkening , whereby another lady got the place . soon after , the lady to whom the place belong'd came , and finding it taken up , very civilly told the other lady , that that place belong'd to her , and therefore desir'd her to let her have it . the other answer'd , that if she had a place there , she might take it if she pleas'd , but for her part she would not move an inch from where she sat . words thus arise , and from thence they came to blows . the ladies cussed one another heartily , which would have signified little , had not the men interpos'd , who instead of parting the fray , encreas'd it , taking to either party , and raising factions against one another . this was principally caus'd by the ladies relations , who both got what friends they could on their side . then was there nothing to be heard but squeeking and clashing of swords , all which we only look'd upon from the stage , till at length my husband who at that time played the part of dorante , seeing so many swords drawn , and not caring to look on , leapt in among them with his sword drawn likewise , and endeavour'd to appease the tumult , when a certain person from one of the parties , taking him no doubt for his enemy , gave him such a home thrust , as paid him notably for his meddling . this was given unperceiv'd by my husband , for had he seen it , he would no doubt have parry'd it he being not a little skill'd in fencing . this thrust nevertheless pierc'd his heart , whereof he immediately fell dead to the ground , which occasion'd all the audience quickly to shift for themselves . i then threw my self off from the stage into the pit , and went to assist my wounded husband , but to my great grief , found him stark dead . angelica , who then might have been about thirteen or fourteen years of age , came down immediately to me , together with the rest of the company , who all joyn'd with me in my just complaints , for the loss of so good a husband . i buried him the best i could , after that the coroner had set upon him , who demanded of me if i would have his warrant to take up the murderer . i answer'd , i should be willing to have justice done upon him , but fear'd i had not where withal sufficient to prosecute him , and so declin'd it . we quickly forsook this town , and went a strolling on farther , being oblig'd to act for our maintenance , but our company was now by no means good , having lost its principal actor . i was for a long time so grieved at my husband's death , that i could not give my mind to get up my parts , but herein angelica always supply'd me from her memory , when we were on any scene together . at length we came to a town in holland , where you know that you mr. destiny , your sister star , and rancour , came to us , and offered to join us if we so pleas'd , and whereof we were not a little glad , being almost quite broke before . the rest of my adventures have been common to us all , and whereof you know as much already as i can pretend to tell you , and that from tours , where our porter kill'd one of the intendant's officers , even to this city of alençon , where we now are . here mrs. cave ended her history , shedding a great many tears , which madam star did likewise , comforting her all she was able , for the great misfortunes she had undergone , but withall remembred her , that she had the less reason to be concern'd now , since she was so near to an alliance with so worthy a gentleman as leander . mrs. cave sobb'd so violently that she could not find a time to answer her , neither can i to continue this chapter any farther , and therefore conclude it . chap. ix . how rancour undeceiv'd ragotin concerning madam star ; together with the arrival of a coach full of gentry , and some other comical adventures of ragotin's . the play went on prosperously , and one or other was acted every day , with great satisfaction to the audience , which consisted of the better sort , and was generally very numerous , amongst whom nevertheless hapned no disorder , by reason that ragotin was kept behind the scenes , having no parts yet given him , but which he grumbled at , tho' he had been promised some when occasion serv'd . he made his complaints almost every day to rancour , whom he put a great confidence in , tho' by the way , he was one of the very worst of men. as he plagued him one day above the rest , rancour said to him . monsieur ragotin , disturb your self no more about this matter , for i must tell you , there is a great deal of difference between the bar and the stage : if a man have not a more than ordinary assurance , he will be easily put out on the stage , besides , the speaking of verse requires no common capacity , and is more difficult to do than you may fancy . you must observe nicely the pointing of verse , and when you speak it on the stage , run one verse into another , that it may seem prose , and consequently be natural and easie ? you must not sing it out , and stop at the cesures , or at the end of a verse , as the vulgar do , but pronounce it always with a good grace , and a becoming action . i would have you therefore , continued he , to wait a little longer , before you come on the stage , and in the mean time you may act in some private masquerade or farce , to bring your hand in . you may there play the part of a second zani , or merry - andrew , and i think we have a habit within , that will be very fit for you , having formerly belong'd to a little boy call'd godenot , who had sometimes represented that person . but , added he , we must first speak to monsieur destiny , and madam star about it . this they did the same day , and it was order'd , that next morning ragotin should represent the said person . he was instructed by rancour in what he was to say , who as you may have observ'd in the first part of this romance , was altogether inclinable to farce . the plot of what they play'd was an intrigue which rancour unravelled in favour of destiny . as rancour was preparing himself to begin , ragotin appeared upon the stage , to whom the former spoke thus . little boy , my pretty godenot . quoth he , whether art thou going in such haste ? then addressing himself to the company , after having chuck'd ragotin under the chin and felt for his beard , gentlemen , said he , i have always hitherto thought that ovid's metamorphosis of pismires inta pigmies , who had at that time war with the cranes , was only a fable , but now i find it to be true , for certainly this is one of the race , or else that little man reviv'd , concerning whom , about seven or eight years since , there was a song made to this affect . the song . my mother would needs have me wed , but a pigmy , alass ! is the man , for call him a husband who can , that scarce takes up a foot of the bed , yet still this of him may be said , that if he be not , he be not a man , he is , he is , he is , he is , he is as much as he can . at the end of every verse rancour turn'd and winded ragotin about as if he had been a poppet , making him to appear in so many ridiculous postures , as made the company to laugh heartily . the rest of the song i have left out as superfluous to our romance . after that rancour had ended his song , he shew'd ragotin to the company , telling them that he was risen again from the dead , and to make what he said appear , he took off his masque and exposed him barefaced , which caused him not only to blush for shame , but likewise to redden with anger . he nevertheless was fain to bear it ; but however , to revenge himself , he told rancour that he was a downright blockhead for making his song with such old fashion'd rhimes , but , quoth rancour , i think you are a greater blockhead for a little man , since you could not distinguish betwixt an old song and a new me , this having been made above a hundred years ago . also , continu'd he , it is with rhiming as with language , custom must regulate all ; for since , as monsieur rogula has it who reform'd the french tongue , we cannot give a reason why we pronounce so and so , no more ought our ancestors to do why they writ after this manner ; and whereas whatever is most ancient is always most valu'd , so ought my song to be for the same reason , while ragotin was going to answer , destiny enter'd complaining of the long stay his man rancour had made , and whom having found in a hot dispute with ragotin , he immediately demanded of them the cause of their dispute , but which he could nevertheless never come to know , since they answer'd him both at a time , and so loud that they made him stark mad. his passion being thus rais'd , he thrust ragotin against rancour with great indignation , and whom rancour return'd again against him with like fury , till at last they had tossed him about from one to t'other so long , that he fell down on his face , and afterwards march'd away on all four under the curtains . this the audience all rise up to see , protesting that this mute action was worth all the rest of their farce , which they could not proceed any farther with , by reason that the actors had quite laughed themselves into confusion . notwithstanding this affront , ragotin still solicited rancour to bring him in favour with madam star , and the better to encline him to do it , he often treated him , which was very welcome to rancour , who did not scruple to feed heartily at the little man's cost . but as he was wounded with the same dart he had not the heart to speak either for ragotin or himself . one day above the rest ragotin pressed him so close that he found himself oblig'd to tell him , monsieur ragotin , this star no doubt is of the nature of those in the firmament , which the astrologers name wandring , for i have no sooner at any time begun to open your passion to her , but she twinkles and leaves me without an answer . yet how should she answer me , quoth he , if she will not hear me . but i believe i have discovered the occasion of her indifference , proceeded he , and which no question may surprize you ; but a man that has a mind to be satisfied in any thing must be prepar'd against all events . this monsieur destiny , whom she calls her brother , i fancy not to be at all so , for i surpriz'd them the other day caressing after that manner as such near relations are not wont to do , and therefore i am rather enclinable to believe that he is her gallant , and i am more deceiv'd than ordinary , if on the same day that leander and angelica marry they do not marry too : otherwise i should think her the most indiscreet woman in the world , added he , to slight your generous proffer : you that are a man of quality and merit , without taking notice of your graceful mien . i tell you this , continued he , that you may have the more reason to remove her from your heart , since you will not otherwise fail to torment your self like one of the damn'd . the little man , both poet and advocate , was so confounded at this discourse , that he had nothing left to say , but immediately quitted rancour , shaking his head and crying after his wonted manner , serviteur , serviteur , &c. afterwards ragotin resolv'd with himself to go to beaumont le vicomté , a little town about five leagues distant from alencon , where there was a market kept every monday . the reason of his going he told the company was to receive a certain sum of money that was owing him in that town by a merchant . but how will you do to go , quoth rancour to him , since your horse has been lately prick'd in shooing , and is lame ? he will never be able to carry you so far . it may be not , answered ragotin , and therefore i 'll hire one that shall , and if i cannot meet with one to my purpose , i can at last walk on foot , it is not so far . i don't question , added he , but i shall meet with some company that will go from hence . he sought after , but could not find a hackney to be let , which induc'd him to enquire of a pedler that lived next door to his lodging if he were not disposed to go , and finding he was , he desir'd the favour of him for a companion , which the pedler agreed to be , in case that he would be gone by one a clock in the morning , when the moon would be just up , which he with little difficulty consented to . now a little before they set out , a poor nail-smith was gone towards the said market to dispose of his nails , which he was accustom'd to make every week ready for mondays on purpose . this nail-smith being upon the road on foot , with his wallet upon his back , and hearing no noise of travellers , either before or behind him , thought that he had been got out too early ; besides , he was a little affraid when he consider'd he was to pass under several gibbets where mens quarters hung , which obliged him to step aside out of the road , and to go lye down upon a bank , where he fell asleep . some little time after ragotin and the pedler came by , but who said not a word to each other , the little man's thoughts being wholly taken up with reflections on what rancour had told him . when they came near to the gibbets , ragotin ask'd the pedler if he would not count the persons that were hang'd . the pedler answered with all his heart . then they went forwards into the middle of them , and began to count , but at length having met with one that was dropt down , and was very stiff and dry , ragotin who had always thoughts worthy of himself , ask'd his companion to assist to help him up , and set him against one of the posts , the which they easily perform'd by help of their staves . this done , they counted fourteen hang'd , besides this last , and so went on on their journey . they had not gone far , before ragotin had a maggot come in his head , to turn about and call to the dead person to come after him , which he did in these● words ; so ho ! you , will you come along with us ? the nail-smith , who it seems did not sleep very sound , hearing of this , rise up presently from his post , thinking some fellow travelers had desired his company , and cryed , with all my heart , i come , i come , and immediately began to follow them . the pedler and ragotin thinking verily it had been the dead corps that came towards them , ran away as hard as they cou'd drive , whereat the nail-smith began to fun likewise , crying all the way , stay , stay , i come , i come . as the nail-smith ran , his nails that he had on his back made a great noise , which inclin'd ragotin and the pedler the more to believe that it was the corps that they had set up against the gibber , or else the ghost of some other person that drag'd chains after him ; for the vulgar are of opinion that there is never a ghost that appears , but he has a chain fastned to him . this belief made them to tremble so much that they could not run any farther , and their legs not being able to support them longer , they dropt down . this gave the nail-smith opportunity to come up with them , whom they at first were miserably afrighted at , but he having bid them good morrow , and telling them they had given him a great deal of trouble to overtake them , they began to come to themselves , and saw he was no ghost . they then joined companies , and continu'd their journey prosperously to beaumont , where ragotin did what he had to do , and return'd next morning to alençon , where he found his friends just risen from dinner , to whom having related the story of his adventure , they laugh'd so heartily , that they were almost ready to burst . the women for their parts were so extremely tickled , that they haw-haw'd out so loud , that they were heard cross the way , and which 't is probable they would have continu'd much longer , had they not been interrupted by the arrival of a coach full of country gentry . this coach belonged to one monsieur de la fresnay , who was about to marry his daughter , and was come to alençon to entreat the strollers to come and act a play at her wedding . this lady , who was none of the wisest of her sex , desired them that they would act the sylvius of mairet . this the actresses were hardly able to forbear laughing at , telling her that if her ladyship would have that , she must procure them a book , for they had not one by them ; the lady answered , she would lend them one , adding withal , that she had all the pastorals bound up together in one volume , viz. those of raçan , being the fair fisher-woman , the love-hater , plocidon , the mercer , &c. together with several others whose titles she had forgot . such plays as these , quoth she to them , are proper for you strollers that act always in the country , and cannot perhaps go to the expence of such sumptuous habits , as the death of cinna , heradius , rodogune , and the like would require . moreover , the verse in pastorals savours not so much of bombast , as that of heroick poems . besides , pastorals are of a nature more conformable to the simplicity of our first parents , who wore nothing but fig-leaves even after they had sinned . her father and mother were all the while harkening to their daughters discourse with great attention and wonder , imagining that the greatest orators of the kingdom could not be able to utter any thing beyond it . after this , the strollers desir'd time to prepare themselves , and had eight days given them . the company parted after dinner , just as the prior of st. lewis hapned to come in . madam star told him he had done well to come , having sav'd olive the trouble of looking after him . the actresses seated themselves upon the bed , and the actors in chairs . the door was shut , and the porter had orders to send away every body that came to speak with them . after silence was proclaim'd , the prior began his history as you may find in the following chapter , if you 'll take the pains but to read it . chap. x. the history of the prior of st. lewis , and the arrival of monsieur verville . the beginning of this history , quoth the prior , cannot but be a little tedious , since it consists chiefly of genealogy . nevertheless , this sort of begining is necessary too to introduce a perfect understanding of the matter in dispute . i shall not endeavour to disguize my condition , since i am in my own country . in another it may be i might have pass'd for what i really was not , which nevertheless i have never yet done . i have always been very sincere in this point . i am then , a native of this city , the wives of my two great grand-fathers were gentlewomen , and had a de tackt to their sir-names . but as you know , the eldest sons going away with the greatest part of the estate , leave but little for the younger children , who according to custom , are either oblig'd to go into orders , or else to marry some inferiour person or other , suitable to their condition , providing she be rich and honest , pursuant to the proverb which has been a long time currant in this country ; more money and less honour . so that my two grand-mothers were marry'd to two rich tradesmen , the one a woolen-draper , and the other a linnen-draper . my father's father had four sons , whereof my father was not the eldest . my mothers father had two sons and two daughters , whereof she was one , and marryed to the second son of the woolen-draper , who had left off his trade to follow petty-fogging , whereby he fool'd away most of his estate , which was the reason that he left me but little . my father had formerly thriv'd very much by his trade , and marryed a very rich woman for his first wife , who dyed without children . he was pretty well advanc'd in years when he marryed my mother , which she consented to rather out of duty than inclination , insomuch that there was more of aversion on her side than love , which no doubt was the reason that they were thirteen years marryed before they had the least hopes of having any children . at last my mother was big , and when the time of her lying-in was come , she brought me into the world with a great deal of pain , having been four full days in labour . my father , who was at that time employ'd in prosecuting a man that had killed his brother , was overjoy'd , when at his return the women gave him joy of a son. he treated them all as well as he could , and made some of them drunk , having given them strong white-wine , on the lees instead of perry , which he has many a time after told me , and whereat we have laughed heartily . two days after my birth i was baptised . my name signifies little to be mention'd . i had for godfather the lord of the place , a very rich man , and my father's neighbour , who having understood by the lady , his wife , that my mother was with child , after so many years marriage , desired he might hold what god sent her to the font. what he desired was readily granted ; my mother having no more children than me , bred me with all the care imaginable , and perhaps a little too nicely for one of her quality . as i came to grow up it was observ'd i would be no fool , which occasion'd me to be mightily belov'd by every body , especially by my godfather , who had but one only daughter , that had been married to a gentleman a relation of my mothers . she had two sons one elder by a year than i , and one younger by a year , but both who were as backward in parts as i were forward , which occasion'd my godfather to send for me always when he had any of the better sort of company , ( which you must know he often had , being accustomed to treat all the princes and great lords that passed by our town ) to divert them , which by dancing , singing and pratling i did . for this purpose i was always kept in a better garb than ordinary , and i had surely made my fortune with him had not death taken him away suddenly as he was on a journey to paris . i nevertheless was not so sensible then of his death as i have been since . my mother sent me to study , and i profited extremely ; but when she understood my inclinations ran towards the church , she took me from the college and brought me into the world , notwithstanding her vow to devote her first-fruits to god , if he should please to give her any . she prov'd quite contrary to other mothers who do all they can to prevent their childrens falling into ill courses , for she was continually feeding me with money , sundays and holy days especially , to go a gaming , or to the tavern . nevertheless having some discretion of my own , all my liberties and abilities amounted only to making merry sometimes with my neighbours . i had contracted a more than ordinary friendship with a young lad , son to a certain officer belonging to lewis xiii's queen - dowager , who had likewise two daughters . he lived in that fine park , which as you may have heard was one of the greatest delights of the ancient dukes of alençon . his house there had been given him by the aforesaid queen dowager , his royal mistress , who had an appennage upon that dutchy . we led a pleasant life in this park , but that , still like children , never thinking of what was to come . this officer of the queens was called monsieur du fresne , who had a brother an officer likewise , who belong'd to the king. this brother requir'd du fresne to send his son to him , which he could by no means refuse to do . before his son went for the court he came to take leave of me , and i must own the parting with him raised the first grief that ever i felt . we lamented our separation reciprocally , but i had much greater reason two months after , when i heard from his mother the news of his death . i shew'd as much concern for the loss of him as i was capable of shewing , and went immediately to join with his sisters in their grief for him , which was exceeding great . but as time lessens all things , when this sad remembrance was a little over , madam du fresne came and desired my mother that i might teach her younger daughter a little to write , whose name was mademoiselle du lys , to distinguish her from her elder sister , who bore the name of the family . the reason of her troubling me , she said , was because her writing-master had been newly gone , and tho' there were several others in the town , yet none would teach abroad , and truly she thought her daughters quality too great to go to school . she excused her self very much for this liberty she had taken , but withall intimated to my mother that this familiarity might end in something more important , meaning a marriage , which was soon after agreed on privately between my mother and her . my mother had no sooner proposed this employment to me but i readily accepted it , and went immediately after dinner to wait on my schollar , finding a secret spring within , that moved me more than ordinary , tho' i knew not at that time what it was . i had not been above eight days in this exercise , but the young lady my scholar , who was much handsomer than her sister , began to be very familiar with me , and call'd me in raillery her little master . it was then that i began to find something in my heart that i had been but little acquainted with before , and the young lady , for ought i could perceive by her , felt the same . we were from that time inseparable , and were never so well pleased as when we were left alone together , which happen'd not seldom . this sort of conversation lasted about six months before we declar'd the sentiments of our hearts , but nevertheless our eyes spoke sufficiently all the while . one day i had a mind to try to make a copy of verses in her praise , to see how she would receive them ; but having never made an attempt of that nature before , i was affraid i should not succeed . notwithstanding i immediately set my self about reading the best romance-writers and poets i could find , having rejected those of the melesines , robert the devil , aymons four sons , the fair maguelonne , iohn of paris , &c. which are trifling compositions , and only fit for children to read . at last looking by chance into marot's works , i met with a roundelay very proper for my purpose . this i immediately transcribed word for word , and which is as follows . a roundelay . your face and tongue so charming prove , that i both gaze and hear ; and whilst your looks invite to love , your chains am glad to wear : but since you make of me a slave , and use me at your pleasure , why may not i my mistress have to occupy my leisure ? i gave her these verses , which she read with a great deal of pleasure , as i could perceive by her countenance . after having read them she thrust them into her bosom , whence they not long after fell upon the ground , and were taken up by her elder sister , contrary to her knowledge , but which she aftervvards came to knovv , by means of a lackey . she thereupon ask'd her sister for them , and perceiving she made some difficulty to let her have them , she flevv into a great passion , and vvent and complained to her mother , vvho forthvvith order'd her sister to give them her , vvhich she presently did . this sort of proceeding gave me a great deal of hopes , vvhen a serious reflection on my condition made me to despair again . novv vvhilst vve thus pleased each other vvith our fancies , my father and mother being pretty vvell advanc'd in years , determin'd to marry me , and one day made me acquainted vvith their intentions . my mother discover'd to my father the project she had laid with madam du fresne , but he being a man of more sense than ordinary , absolutely rejected it , saying that that young ladies quality was too great for me , and besides , that she had too little money to support it , well knowing that she would expect to be maintained according to it . but as i was the only son of my father , who was tolerably rich , as likewise heir to an uncle , who had no children , by the custom of normandy , many families look'd upon me as worthy of their alliance , and consequently made me stand godfather to divers children , with several young ladies of the best quality in our neighbourhood , those being the common means to promote marriages , which nevertheless had no effect upon me , having been before entirely devoted to my dear du lys. i was notwithstanding so continually persecuted by my parents to marry some other , that to avoid their importunities , i resolv'd to go to the wars , altho' i was not then above or years of age. new levies being made in this city to go to denmark , under the command of the count of montgomery . i listed my self privately with three others , younger brothers my neighbours . we set out in pretty good equipage , and my father and mother were so extremely concern'd , that the latter was almost like to die with grief . how du lys bore my so sudden departure , i could not tell as then , but which i understood afterwards from her self . we embark'd at havre-de grace , and sail'd very successfully till we came within sight of the sound , but then arose so furious a tempest , that the like was scarce ever known before . our ships were soon separated from each other , and that which i was in , commanded by the count himself , was driven very luckily to the mouth of the thames , where by the help of a reflux we quickly got up to london , the capital city of england . there we staid about weeks , during which time i had opportunity to survey the rarities of that superbe city , and above all , the shining court of its king , who was then charles , i. of that name . the count of montgomery returned afterwards to his seat port-orson in normandy , whither i did not care to go , and therefore desir'd of him to permit me to go for paris , which he did . i embark'd then on board a vessel bound for roan , where i not long after arriv'd safe , and from thence went in a boat up to paris . there met with a near kinsman of mine , who was the king's wax-chandler . ● beg'd of him to make use of his interest to get me into ● the guards . he promis'd he would , and did it , but he was ● fain to be my surety , for at that time none was to be admitted without one . i was receiv'd into monsieur de ● rauderies company . my cousen lent me money to equi● my self , for in my sea-voyage i had spoiled all my cloath● i thus became equal to many cadets of good familys , wh● carryed maskets as well as i. about that time the pri●ces and great lords of france rise against their king , and amongst them monsieur the duke of orleans , but his majesty thro' the policy of the great cardinal richelieu , brok● all their measures , but that not without taking a journey 〈◊〉 to britany with a gallant army . we arriv'd at nant● where the first person made an example of , was the coun● of calais , who had his head struck off there . this rais'd a terrour in all the others , insomuch that they su'd to his majesty for peace , which being granted them , the king return'd to paris . in our way we stopt at mans , where my father came to see me , old as he was , having been before acquainted by my cousen , that i was in the king's guards , and beg'd of my captain to discharge me , which he with some difficulty , or rather , for some consideration did . we then return'd to this city , where it was agreed , that the only way to keep me at home , was to marry me , a surgeon's wife that was neighbour to a cousen german of mine , hearing this , brought along with her the under-baily's daughter , of a town about three leagues off , under pretence of devotion , being lent-time , but her true reason was , to intrap me if possible . having seen her but once , i was desir'd to do it again at my cousen's house , which i did , and after about an hours conversation with her , she went her way , when all the company told me , that she was a mistriss for me , to which i bluntly reply'd , that i did not like her . my reason was not because she was not rich and handsome , being both in perfection , but because all the beauty in the world could have no power upon me , as long as my dear du lys was in my thoughts . i had an uncle , my mothers brother , of a severe temper , who coming one night to our house , after having rally'd me extremely for the slights i had put upon the under-baily's daughter , told me i must resolve to go and visit her at her own house , in the easter holy-days , there being those of a much greater quality than i , who would be proud of such a match . i answer'd neither one way nor other , but when the holy-days came , i was forc'd to go thither with my said cousen the surgeon's wife , and a son of hers . when we came , we were very courteously received and treated for three days together . we were also carryed to all the said under-baily's farms , at every one of which we were handsomely entertained . we went likewise to a large village , about a league off this gentleman's house , to pay a visit to the curate of the place , who was a brother to this ladies mother , and who gave us a very civil reception . at last we returned home as we came , that is , as to what concerned me , as little in love as before . it was nevertheless resolv'd , that in a fortnights time our marriage should be concluded , which term being expir'd . i was compell'd to return to the baily's house , together with three cousin germans , two advocates , and an attorney of this jurisdiction , but as good luck would have it , they could agree upon nothing , wherefore the business was put off till may next . but that saying is certainly true . that man proposes , and god disposes ; for a little before the said propos'd time , my mother fell sick , and my father days afterwards , both whose maladies ended in death , the former dying on tuesday , and the latter on the thursday following . altho' i was very sick my self , yet i made shift to go visit my aforesaid severe uncle , who was extremely ill likewise , and who dyed in less than a fortnights time . sometime after all this , the baily's daughter was propos'd to me a-new , but which i would hear nothing of , having now no parents left to force me . my heart was altogether in the aforesaid park , where i frequently walked , but never half so often as i had done in imagination . one morning when i thought no body had been stirring in the sieur du fresne's house , i walk'd leisurely before it , and was not a little surpriz'd , when i saw du lys singing at the window an old song , which had for its upholding , ah! why is he from me , the man that i love ? this oblig'd me to draw nearer to her , and to make her a very low bow , which i accompanyed with this or the like expression . i could wish with all my heart madam , that you had the satisfaction you so much desire , and were it in my power to contribute towards it , i would always do it , with as servent a passion , as i have ever shew'd to approve my self your most humble servant . she returned my salutation , answered me not a word , but continuing to sing on , she chang'd the burden of her song to , ha! see him before me , the man that i love . you may imagine , this was not heard by one that was deaf , and having been a little in the wars , i had courage enough to reply , tho' not in verse . i should have just reason to believe you sincere , madam , if you would but oblige me so far , as to open the door . at the same time she call'd to the lackey , spoken of before , and bid him to open the door to me . i went in , and was receiv'd not only by her , but likewise by her father and mother , and elder sister , with all the civility and good will imaginable . her mother ask'd me why i was so great a stranger , and why they had not seen me as frequently as they were wont ? my mourning , she told me , was no just excuse , since i must be allow'd to divert my self now as well as before , and in a word , she gave me to understand that i should always be extremely welcome to her house . my answer was only to shew the little merit i had to pretend to , and which i express'd in some few ill-order'd words as i have done before . but at length all concluded with a breakfast of milk , which you know in this country passes for a good treat . and which is notwithstanding none of the worst , sir , quoth madam star , but pray go on . when i was taking leave to be gone , the mother ask'd me if i would not give my self the trouble to accompany her and her daughter to see an old relation of theirs that liv'd about two leagues off , i answer'd , that she did me wrong to ask me the question , when an absolute command would have been much more obliging to me . the journey was pitch'd upon for next day . the time came , and the mother got up upon a little mule they had in the house , the elder sister rid her fathers horse , and i carried behind me my dear du lys. what discourse we had upon the road i 'll give you leave to guess , for as for my part i have forgot it . all that i am able to tell you is , that du lys and i often stole from the company , and went to recreate our selves in an adjoining grove , which had a little river that ran through the midst of it , upon whose banks we had the pleasure both to hear the warbling of the birds , and the purling of the stream , to which we added our mutual endearments , and many innocent caresses which passed between us . it was there that we enter'd into a resolution to divert our selves considerably at the approaching carnevale . some time after this journey , while i was making of syder in the suburbs that are called la barre , and which join to du lys's father's park , she came running to me , whereby i presently guessed that she had something more than ordinary to tell me . after having chid me a little for finding me in that condition , she took me aside and told me that the gentleman whose daughter was at monsieur de planche-planete's brother-in-laws , had brought another gentlem●n a his friend to make love to her , and whereof she though 〈◊〉 to get an opportunity to come and tell me . it is not 〈◊〉 she . that i distrust my power of refusing him , but beca●● i had rather you should find out some means to send him 〈◊〉 . to this i reply'd , go you and make much of him , that 〈◊〉 not be gone before i come , and i 'll assure you be shall 〈◊〉 be there by to morrow this time . she then left me extremely well pleased , and i immediately put off my syder to my servants management , and went directly home ; where taking a clean shirt , and another suit of clothes , i hasted to find out my companions , for you must know there were of us young fellows , who had each a mistress and were all jointly engag'd to cut any man's throat that should offer but to interfere with either . i acquainted them with what i have already told you , and all concluded that this gallant , who was a gentleman of lower-maine , must be found out and be forc'd to return from whence he came . we went then forthwith to his lodging , where he was at supper with the other gentleman his introducer . we did not stick to tell him down right that he must speedily be gone , and that there was nothing to be got for him in that country . then the introducer reply'd and told us , that we did not know what they were come about , and that when we did , we would not be so much concern'd at it . then i stept up , and clapping my hand to my sword , said , if i have her heart , i have it , and if you do not quit her this minute , i 'll quickly send your souls a wool-gathering . one of them reply'd , that the contest was not equal , and that if i were alone i durst not have said so much . to which i answer'd , you are two , and here is a gentleman and i , taking one of my comrades , that will presently go and dispute the matter with you farther . the gentlemen accepted the challenge , and we were all going out when the master of the house , and a son of his , prevented us , persuading the gentlemen that their best way was to be gone , and not to stand disputing with us , whom they were positive they would get nothing by . they took their advice , and we never heard a word of them after . next morning i went to wait on my dear du lys , telling her all that had passed , wherewith she seem'd very well satisfied , and gave me abundance of thanks for delivering her from her lover . the winter now approaching , the nights began to be long , and which we passed away at questions and commands , and such like sorts of plays , but which being every night repeated at length grew tedious , and therefore i determin'd to give a ball. i confer'd with du lys , about it , and she consented to it ; i ask'd her fathers leave , and he granted it me . the following sunday we danc'd all day , and which we continued to do often , till at length there came so many people that du lys desir'd me to give it over , and think o● some other diversion . we then resolv'd to get up a comedy and act it , which we not long after did accordingly . here madam star interupted the prior , saying , sir , since you are upon comedy , pray give me leave to ask you if this history of yours be much longer , for it begins to grow late , and supper time approaches . ah! madam , quoth the prior , there is twice as much of it to come yet . then it was thought necessary to put it off to another time , that the actors might have time to dress for the play , and had it not been for which reason , monsieur vervilles arrival would have interrupted it , who got easily into the chamber , by reason that the porter was asleep . his coming surpriz'd the company extremely . he very courteously embrac'd them all , and chiefly monsieur destiny , whom he hugged closely more than once . afterwards he began to tell them the occasion of his journey , which you shall have in the following chapter , altho' it be very short . chap. xi . resolutions of destiny's marrying with star , and leander with angelica . the prior of st. lewis would have been gone but destiny stopt him , telling him that supper would be ready speedily , and he should keep monsieur verville company , vvhom they had entreated to sup vvith them . the hostess vvas called up and order'd to get something extraordinary . clean linnen vvas laid , good cheer made , many healths drank , and a great deal talk'd . after cloath vvas taken avvay , destiny desired to knovv of verville the occasion of his coming into those parts . he ansvver'd that it vvas not on account of his brother-in-lavv saldaigne's death , vvhich his sisters lamented no less than he , but by reason of a business of importance , vvhich he had to negotiate at rennes in britany , so that being that vvay bound , he could do no less than turn a little out of the road to visit so good a friend as him . destiny thank'd him heartily for the honour he had done him , and aftervvards inform'd him of all the ill designs that saldaigne , had had against him , vvhich you may have seen in the vi chapter of this third part , as likewise with the manner of his death . verville shrug'd up his shoulders at this relation , saying , he had deservedly met with what he so industriously sought after . after supper verville took acquaintance with the prior , whom destiny recommended to him for a very worthy gentleman . having sat up a little with them the prior retir'd , when verville took destiny aside and demanded of him what made leander in mourning , and how he came to have so many lackeys after him all in black likewise . he satisfied him quickly in his demands , and moreover acquainted him that he was return'd with a design to marry madam angelica . and you , quoth verville , when do you design to marry ? methinks it is high time to let the world know who you are , which cannot be done without a marriage , adding withal , that if his business did not call him suddenly away , he would stay to see both his and leander's marriage solemniz'd . destiny answer'd it was necessary for him to know madam star's mind before he declared himself . hereupon star was presently called , and the marriage proposed to her , whereto she readily answer'd , that she ever would be rul'd by the advice of her friends . at last it was agreed that when verville had funish'd his affairs at rennes , he should return by alençon , and then all matters should be concluded . the same was concluded between the company and mrs cave concerning her daughters match with leander . then verville took his leave of the good company and went to bed. next morning he set forth for britany betimes , and arriv'd not long after at rennes , where he immediately went to wait on monsieur de la garrouffiere , who after the accustom'd compliments had passed between them , told him there was a company of strollers in that town , one of which had a great resemblance of mrs. cave . this caused him to go next day to the play , where having seen the person mention'd to him , he was forthwith inclin'd to believe that he must needs be a relation of caves , he was so like her . after the play was over he went upon the stage , and enquir'd of him what country he was of , whence he came , how long he had been a player , and by what means he got into the company ? to all which questions he answer'd so directly that it was no hard matter for verville to find that he was mrs. caves brother , who had been lost when his father was killed at perigord by the baron of sigognac's page . this he frankly own'd , adding withall , that he had never been able to meet with his sister since . then verville let him know that she was at that time in a company of strollers at alençon ; that she had met with many misfortunes , but that now she was like to have large amends made her by a gentleman of livres a year , being to be suddenly married to an only daughter of hers , and farther , that this gentleman was now along with them , and acted among them . he also acquainted him that the marriage was to be consummated at his return to alençon , and that it was very necessary for him to go along with him , both to see his sister , and to wish his niece joy. the stroller was extremely pleased at this news , and promis'd to be going with him assoon as he pleas'd , but we must leave him for a while , packing up his awls , and return before him to alençon . the prior of st. lewis came , the same day that verville went away , to acquaint the strollers that the bishop of sées had sent to speak with him , to comunicate some matter of importance to him , and that he was very sorry that he had not then leisure to perform his promise to them , but that however there would be no time lost , for while he was at sées they might go to fresnaye to act sylvia at the wedding of the lords daughter , and that at his return he would certain finishly what he had begun . he went forthwith , and the strollers immediately set themselves about preparing for their departure likewise . chap. xii . what happen'd in the iourney to fresnaye , as likewise another misfortune of ragotin's . the night before the wedding a coach and several saddle-horses were sent for the strollers . the actresses went in the coach , together with destiny , leander , and olive . the others rid on the horses , and 〈◊〉 mounted his own nag , which he still kept● because he could not sell him , and who was now cur'd of his lameness . he would have fain persuaded star 〈…〉 to have got up behind him , giving for 〈◊〉 that they might ride much easier than in the coach ● which 〈◊〉 people together , but neither of them would accept of his proffer . to go from alençon to fresnaye , it was necessary for to pass thro● the forest of persaine , which was in the province of maine . they had not gone above a mile into this forest , before ragotin call'd out to the coach-man to stop , alleging that he saw a troop of horse-men coming towards them . it was not thought necessary to stop , but every one nevertheless would be upon his guard. when he came near the horsemen , ragotin gave notice that it was la rappiniere with his archers . hereat madam star began immediately to look pale , which destiny perceiving , told her she had no reason to fear any insult being offer'd to her there , by reason that la rappiniere would never pretend to any such thing , in the presence both of his archers and monsieur de la fresnayes servants , whose house they were also near . la rappiniere knew well that it was the strolling-company that were coming towards him , and therefore advancing to the coach-side with his accustomed impudence he saluted the actresses , but to whom he made very coarse compliments , which they returned cold enough to have put any one out of countenance , that had not so much brass in his forehead as la rappiniere had . he told them that he was looking after robbers that had robb'd some trades-men near balon , and that he was informed they were coming that way . whilst he was thus talking to the strollers , one of the archer's horses that was a little wanton , leapt upon ragotin's horse's neck , which he going backward to avoid , hapned among a parcel of dead trees , whereof one pointing directly towards him , took him under his wastcoat , and hung him from his saddle , which he being willing to disengage himself from , spurr'd his horse lustily , and thereby remain'd like a scare-crow truss'd up in the air , for his horse no sooner felt his favours than he left him , crying that he was kill'd , run thro' and i know not what . the standers-by laugh'd so heartily to see him hanging in th●● posture , that they had no manner of regard to assisting of him . indeed they call'd once or twice to the foot-men to unloose him but they ran away on the other side laughing . in the mean time his horse was run quite away , and would not suffer himself to be stopt . at length , after every body had laugh'd their belly full the coach-man , who was a strong lusty fellow , step● down from his seat , and approaching ragotin , lifted him ●ff from hi● tenter-hook , and took him down . the co●●●y gather'd about him , and made him believe that he was●●●●unded , but that they could not get him cur'd till they 〈◊〉 to the next village , where there was a good surgeon , ●●refore that in the mean time , they must apply some gre●●●●●●●ves to him to keep the wound from festering , which they immediately did . they afterwards put him into the coach in olives room , who came out . whilst this pass'd , the foot-men and olive went after his horse that would not be stopt , and notwithstanding his being got a great way , brought him back again to his master . this done , la rappiniere left the company , and they continu'd onwards of their journey towards the gentleman's house , where they soon after arriv'd , and sent thence for a surgeon , who they privately instructed what he was to do . he seem'd to probe the imaginary wound that ragotin had , whom they had put to bed. he likewise pretended to tent it , and afterwards bound it up , telling his patient , that if it had been never so little on the other side , he had been no longer a man of this world. he then order'd him a strict diet , and so left him to his repose . the little man was so imaginarily afflicted at this accident , that he could not believe but he was desperately wounded . he therefore did not think fit to rise to assist at the ball vvhich vvas given after supper . this ball vvas furnisht vvith musick from mans , the musicians of alençon being gone to a wedding at argenton . several country-dances vvent about , and the strollers danc'd divers french ones . destiny and star perform'd a saraband together , vvhich vvas admir'd by all the company , consisting as vvell of country gentry as peasants . the next day the strollers play'd the pastoral vvhich the bride had desir'd . ragotin caus'd himself to be carry'd to the sight on 't in a chair , vvith his night-cap on . aftervvards they made good cheer , and the next morning after breakfast , having been vvell paid , they set out for alençon again . as soon as the coach vvas brought out , they did vvhat they could to disabuse ragotin concerning his imaginary wound , but all to no purpose , for he still persisted that the felt the pain on 't . they nevertheless put him into the coach , and arriv'd safe at alençon . the next day they vvould not act the actresses being desirous of a little respite . the same day the prior of st. lewis returned from sées , vvho going to visit our company , madam star told him that he could never meet a better opportunity than novv to finish his history . he requir'd no farther entreaty , but proceeded as you may find in the follovving chapter . chap. xiii . the continuation and conclusion of the prior of st. lewis's history . if the beginning of this history , quoth the prior , where you have met with nothing but ioy and contentment , has been tiresome to you , the rest you are about to hear , i fear will be much more . this consists of nothing but the revers of fortune , and despair , and grief , for past pleasures . to begin then where i left off : you must know , that after our comrades and i had got up our parts , and rehears'd several times , we play'd perfect on sunday night , in monsieur du fresne's house , the rumour of which being got abroad in the neighbourhood , so many people crowded thither , altho' we took all the care we could to keep the park-gates shut , that we found no small difficulty to get to the stage , which we had rais'd for us in a midling sort of a hall. this place being not near large enough for our audience , two thirds of the company were forc'd to stand without , whom to get rid of , we promis'd them that on sunday following , we would play again in the town , and in a more spacious room . we perform'd our parts indifferent well for beginners , only one among us who was to act the secretary of king darius , the death of that monarch being the subject of our play , acquitted himself of ill , that altho'd he had not above two lengths to speak , which he perform'd well enough at our rehearsal , yet when he came to act in earnest , he was so faint-hearted , that we were forc'd to thrust him on upon the stage , where he spoke so extremely ill , that made all the audience to laugh . the tragedy being ended , i began the ball with du lys , which lasted till midnight . we took a great deal of pleasure in this exercise , and without saying ought to any body , we quickly got up another play , i nevertheless did not omit to make my ordinary visits in the mean time . one day as we were sitting together by the fire-side , a young gentleman hapned to come in , to whom we gave place . after we had discours'd a little while , he put his hand in his pocket , and pull'd out a picture in wax in relievo . very well done , and which he said was the picture of his mistriss . after all the ladies had ●een it round , it came to my turn to look on it . when i had consider'd it a little , i found that it was made for du lys to whom i fancy'd this gallant pretended . i therefore without any more ado , threw the box , picture and all into the fire , where the little bustum melted immediately ; and when the owner thereof would have snatched it out , i threatned to throw him out at the window . monsieur du fresne , who loved me as much at that time , as he hated me afterwards , swore he would force that intruder to make more ha●●e out than he had done in , and going to perform his oath , the young spark skip'd over every bodys head , and ran out in confusion . i follow'd him without any body in the companie being able to hinder me , and having overtaken him , told him , that if he took any thing amiss , we two had each of us a sword by our sides , and were in a convenient place to decide the difference . but his answer was , that he had nothing to say to me , and so went his way . the sunday following , we acted the play we had done before , according to our promise , in a great hall belonging to a neighbour , by which means we had fifteen days to study the other play. i design'd to adorn it with some enterludes of dancing , and for that purpose , chose out six of my companions that danced the best , and made the seventh my self . this enterlude consisted of shepherds and shepherdesses , that were desperately in love with each other . in the first entry cupid appear'd , and in the others the shepherds and shepherdesses , all drest in white , and their habits all beset with narrow blue-ribbond knots , which was the colour du lys delighted in , and which i have worn ever since , altho' for some reasons i will tell you hereafter , i afterwards added some bows of fillemot . these shepherds and shepherdesses , made their entrys two by two , and when they were all together , they form'd the letters of du lys's name ; love let fly a dart at each shepherd , and threw flames at the shepherdesses , all which bow'd the knee in token of submission . i had composed some verses to be sung in this enterlude , and which we perform'd , but the great length of time has made me to forget them , and if i had remembred them , i should never have durst repeated them before you that are so good judges . we having kept the acting of our second play secret , we were not so embarrass'd with company as we had been before . the play was the amours of sacripantus king of circassia with angelica : the story taken from ariosto . we perform'd the enterlude likewise , and i would have begun as we were wont to do after the play , but monsieur du fresne opposed it , alleging we must needs be too much tir'd , and therefore dismissed us . we resolv'd however private we had done it now , to make the representation of this play more publick , and which we afterwards perform'd before every body , in my godfather's hall , on shrove-sunday , and in the day time du lys desired if i intended to have the ball that night , that i would begin it with a young lady a neighbour of hers , who was then drest in blue taffeta as well as she , which i did . whilst we were dancing there arise a whispering among the company , some whereof cry'd out aloud , he 's mistaken , he 's deceiv'd , which made both du lys and i laugh , which the other lady perceiving , cry'd , the people are in the right , for you have taken one for the other . to which i answered abruptly , pardon me , madam , i know what i do . at night i masqu'd my self with three of my comrades , and carried a flambeau to prevent my being known . in this equipage we went into the park , and afterwards to the house . my three companions enter'd only , and i stood at the door . du lys observing the three masques , presently found that i was not among them , when coming to the door she immediately discover'd me , and spoke to me these obliging words . disguize your self after what manner you please , for i shall always know you . after-having put out the flambeau . i came up to the table where there was a box and dice set . i took up the box and began to rattle it , whereupon du lys ask'd me who i would be at ? i made her a sign i would be at her . she reply'd , how much will you throw at ? i pointed to a knot of ribbons and coral braclet which she wore on her left arm. her mother would by no means have her venture that , but she burst out a laughing , saying she was not affraid of venturing of it . i threw and won , and afterwards made my fair adversary a present of my winnings . the same did my companions to the elder sister , and the other ladies that were come to pass their evening there . after this we took our leaves ; but as we were going out , du lys came behind me , and untying the ribbonds that held my mask on , it immediately fell , whereat i turning about , she said to me , thus people are to be used that go away before their time . i was a little ashamed , but nevertheless very glad to have any opportunity to talk farther with her . the others unmask'd likewise , and we went in again , and spent that night very agreeably . the last night of the carnevale i gave the ball again , when we were fain to take up with the lesser company of musicians , the greater being pre-engag'd by other gentry . during lent we were forc'd to lay aside diversions a little , to give way for devotion , and i can assure you for our parts , du lys and i never wanted a sermon . the feast of easter approaching , young madam du fresne ask'd me laughing if i would carry her and her sister to st. pater , a village about a quarter of a league off from the suburbs of montfort , whither people are wont to go out of devotion on easter-mundays , and where one meets all the beau-monde . i answer'd that i would willingly wait on them both thither , or any whither else . the day when we were to go being come , as i was going out of our house to fetch the ladies , i met a young fellow a neighbour of mine , who asking me whither i was going in such haste , i told him that i was going to the park to wait on the young ladies there to st. pater . to which he reply'd that i might save my self the labour , for to his certain knowledge their mother would not permit them to go along with me . this news stund me so much that i had not a word to answer , but going into my house i set my self about thinking what might be the occasion of so sudden an alteration . after having reflected on it a good while , i could guess at nothing but my little merit and mean condition . this consider'd , i could not but exclaim extremely against their carriage to me , since they had been well enough pleased with me as long as i diverted them with balls , enterludes , plays , and serenades , which i frequently did to my no small charge , but now that those ceas'd they slighted me . the anger i conceiv'd made me resolve to go to the assembly at st. pater without them , whilst they it seems were waiting for me in the park . the time being past that i promised to come , du lys and her sister , with some other ladies their neighbours , went without me . after having paid their devotion in the church , they came out into the church-yard , and seated themselves on the wall under a great shady elm. some time after i passed by , but that at a distance . du fresne made a sign to me to come near them , which i took no notice of , making as if i did not see them . some neighbours that were with me told me some lady becken'd to me , but i seem'd not to hear them likewise , and going on cried at the same time , come le ts go and drink a bottle at the four winds , which we did . i were no sooner got home to my house but a widow who had been formerly our confidente , came to speak with me , telling me briskly that she wonder'd how i could neglect doing my self the honour of vvaiting on the young ladies du fresne to st. pater ; acquainting me moreover , that du lys was very much concern'd at the disappointment , and that i must endeavour speedily by some means or other to make a compensation for my fault . i vvas extremely both surpriz'd and pleas'd to hear this , and having let her knovv all the reason i had , vvhich i have acquainted you vvith before , i vvent along vvith her to the park-gate vvhere the ladies vvere . i left her to make my excuse , for i could not pretend to do it my self , being so extremely troubled that i could not knovv vvhat i said . then the mother , addressing her self to me , told me that i ought not to have been so credulous to believe vvhat people said , and that she believed vvhat had been told 〈◊〉 vvas done by some body that envy'd me , and lastly , she assured me that i should alvvays be unfeignedly vvelcome to her house , and vvhither vve immediately vvent . i had then the honour to give my hand once more to du lys , vvho assured me she had been extremely concern'd at my carriage , especially vvhen i seem'd not to take notice of the sign her sister made me at st. pater . i ask'd her pardon humbly , but made her but confuss'd excuses , being not yet entirely come to my self . i vvould have been reveng'd on the young man that imposed upon me , had not du lys entreated me not so much as to think of it ; adding , that i ought to be satisfied with finding the contrary of what he had told me . i obey'd her in this , as i did in every thing always after . we past our time the most agreeably that could be , and we experienced what is commonly said of lovers , that their language is chiefly that of the eyes . one sunday after vespers we gave each other to understand by this mure language that we would after supper go up the river , and have only such persons with us as we could best fancy . for this purpose i sent presently to hire a boat , and immediately after went my self with the companions i had pitch'd upon , to the park-gate , where the ladies waited for us ; but as ill-luck would have it , three young men that were not of our company , were at that juncture talking with them . they did what they could to shake them off , but which they perceiving seem'd the more desirous to stay . this was the reason that when we came up to the gate we thought fitting to pass by , contenting our selves only with tipping them the wink to follow us● which they soon after did , but with the young fellows along with them , which we perceiving immediately enter'd our boat , and landed near one of the gates of the city , where we met the si●ar du fresne , who forthwith demanded of me where i had left his daughters ? i not knowing presently wha● answer to make told him frankly , that i had not had the honour to see them all that night . having heard this , he took his leave , bidding us good night , and went towards his park , at the gate whereof he overtook his daughters , whom asking where and with whom they had been , du lys pertly answer'd with such a one , naming me . at that the father reach'd her a sound box o'th'ear , together with you lye at the end on 't ; for , continu'd he , had he been with you tho' it were much later , i should never have ask'd you the question . next day the aforesaid widow came again to let me know what had happen'd the night foregoing , and to acquaint me that du lys was extremely angry with me , not only at the box o'th'ear she had received on my account , but also at my disappointing of her , she intending to have got quickly rid of those impertinent young fellows . i excused my self as well as i could , and declin'd going near her for four days together . but one day , as she and her sister sat with some other young ladies on a bench before a shop in a street next to the city gate which i was going out at to the suburbs , i passed by them , moving my hat a little , but without looking much upon them , or saying any thing to them . the other ladies immediately ask'd what was the meaning of my so cold deportment , which they scarce took to be civil ? du lys gave them no answer , but her elder sister told them that she did not know the reason , and that if they had a mind to be satisfied in it , they must know it from my self . adding moreover , come let us go place our selves a lit●le nearer the gate , that he may not be able to get by us as he comes back without taking more notice . i quickly return'd , when this good sister catching me hold by the cloak , and pulling me to her , said to me , how comes it haughty sir , that you can pass by your mistress without taking any notice ? and at the same time pulled me down by her , but when i turned to embrace her , and tell her the reason , she slung away like a mad thing . i staid a little longer with them and after went my ways . i resolv'd then not to go near my mistress for some days longer , and which i perform'd , but which seem'd as so many ages to me , till at length one morning i met madam du fresne , who stopping me ask'd me what had made me so great a stranger to her house ? i answer'd that it was the ill-humour of her younger daughter , whereupon she immediately promis'd to make up the difference betwixt us , and bid me meet her within an hour at her house . i was not a little impatient till i had obey'd her and herefore went at the time appointed to madam du fresnes house , as i was going up into her chamber according to her direction , i met du lys coming down , who perceiving me , made so much haste by me , that i could not stop her . i afterwards went into the chamber , where i found her sister , who began immediately to simper , whereupon i told her how briskly her sister had gone by me , but she assur'd me that that was all seigned , and that to her knowledge , she had gone a hundred times to the window , to look whether she could see me , and farther , that she was now gone but into the garden , whither i might go after her if i pleas'd . i took the hint , and went to the garden-door , but found it lockt , whereupon i beg'd of her to open it , but she would not , which her sister hearing from the top of the stairs , came down and open'd it for me , by a trick she had got . i went in , but du lys ran from me as if she had been mad. i followed and overtook her , and catching her by one of her sleeves , pull'd her dovvn upon a camomil-bank , clapping my self at the same time dovvn by her ; i made her all the excuses that i vvas capable of doing , but she continued inexorable , at length i acquainted her , that my passion vvas not to be fool'd vvith , and that therefore i● she did not quickly think fit to let me knovv her mind despair might drive me to the doing of something , vvhich she might repent having been the cause of . this never theless vvrought nothing upon her , the vvhich perceiving , drevv my svvord out of the scabbard , and presenting it ● her naked , desir'd that she vvould be pleas'd to thrust it thro' m● heart , telling her at the same time , that it vvas altogether impossible for me to survive a deprivation of her favour● she thereupon rise to be gone , informing me , that she ha● never yet kill'd any body , and that vvhen she vvas so dispos'd , i should not be the first person . then i stopt her , a● beg'd she would stay and see me do it my self ; to whic● she answer'd coldly , that i might do as i pleas'd , for 〈◊〉 should nor go about to hinder me . at that , i clapt 〈◊〉 point to my breast , and put my self into a posture to 〈◊〉 upon it , which she observing , immediately grew pale , 〈◊〉 kickt away the hilt from the ground , so that the sw●●● fell down , assuring me withal , that that action had extremely frighted her , and beg'd that i would let her see 〈◊〉 more such sights . i answer'd i were willing to obey 〈◊〉 providing she vvould be less unkind to me for the fut●●● vvhich she promis'd to be . we aftervvards embrac'd so 〈◊〉 iugly , that i could have vvisht ' to have had a quarrel 〈◊〉 her every day of my life , to occasion so charming a 〈◊〉 conciliation . whilst vve remain'd in these transports , her mother enter'd the garden , and told us , she vvould have come sooner , but that she imagin'd vve had no need of her interposing to reconcile us . one day , as the sieur du fresne , his wife , du lys and i were walking together in the park , this good mother told me aside , that she had been a faithful advocate in my behalf . she might easily speak this without her husbands hearing of it , since he was very deaf . we both thank'd her however , rather by gesture than words . a little after , monsieur du fresne took me aside , and told me , that his wife and he had agreed to give me their younger daughter in marriage , before he went to court to wait his quarter in his turn , and therefore desir'd i would put my self to no more charges in serenades or the like . i return'd him my acknowledgments , but after a confus'd manner , being more than ordinarily transported at so unexpected a happiness . but i well remember , i told him , that i should never have dar'd to have ask'd his daughter in marriage , as well considering my small merit , as the inequality of our conditions . to which he answer'd , that as for merit , he was well satisfied that i had sufficient , and for quality , every body knew i had that would very well supply it , meaning i suppose , my estate . i don't remember what reply i gave , but this i know well , that he invited me to supper that night , and where it was concluded , that the sunday following , we should have a meeting of our friends to finish the nuptials . he acquainted me likewise , what portion he design'd to give with his daughter , but as for that i told him i had sufficient for us both , and therefore required her person only . then i thought my self the most happy man in the world : but alas ! that happiness did not last long , for the night before the day that we were to be marryed , as du lys and i were sitting upon a grass-plat , we perceiv'd at a distance , a councellor of the presidial-court , coming to pay a visit to the sieur du fresne his kinsman , whereat both she and i conceiv'd the same thought at a time , and began to be both concern'd , tho' we knew not well at what , which nevertheless , the event of what we feared made but too perspicuous . for next day , when i went to meet the company at du fresne's house , according to agreement , i found du lys at the court-gate crying . upon asking her what she ail'd , i could obtain no answer , whereupon i enter'd into the house , and found her sister in the same condition . i ask'd her likewise , what was the meaning of so many tears ? she answer'd sobbing , that i would know but too soon . then i went up into the chamber , and found the mother , but she no sooner saw me , than she went out , without scarce speaking a word to me , for tears , sobbs , and sighs had so disturbed her , that all she could do , was to look pittifully upon me , and cry , ah poor young man ! i resolved to know the cause of this sudden change , and therefore immediately went to monsieur du fresne's chamber , where i found him sitting in an elbow-chair . at my coming in , he told me bluntly , that he had alter'd his mind , and would not now marry his younger daughter before his elder , and tho' he did marry her , it should be sure not to be before his return from court. i answer'd upon these two heads , first , that his elder daughter would not at all be displeas'd , to have her younger sister marryed before her , providing it were to me , since she had always loved me as her brother , and more than once professed as much . and secondly , i acquainted him that i would willingly stay for her ten years , instead of three months that he should be from home . at last , he told me in plain terms , that i must think no more of his daughter , and so turn'd from me . having heard this , i immediately determin'd to go home and kill my self . but as i was drawing forth my sword for that purpose , the aforesaid widow , that had formerly been our confidence , came in upon me where i was , and prevented me in that design , by telling me that she came from du lys , and that she desired me by her , not to afflict my self , but have patience , and matters might perhaps change to my advantage . she farther inform'd me from her , that i had her mother and sister sure to my interest , and above all herself , whose kindness and constancy to me was unalterable . she likewise told me , that the sisters had resolved as soon as their father was gone , that they would give me an opportunity to continue my visits as before . tho' this discourse was extremely pleasing to me , yet could it not altogether comfort me , for i afterwards fell into so deep a melancholy , that despair suggested to me , to consult the devil about my fate . hereupon , a little before monsieur du fresne's departure , i went to a large copse , about half a league from the town , where it was the vulgar report , that evil spirits inhabited , and where 't is certain the fairies , who are no doubt the devil's imps , had formerly been . i went a great way into this copse , and when i thought i was far enough , i began to call upon , and invoke the spirits to assist me in this worst of misfortunes ; but after i had pray'd and bawl'd for some time to no purpose , and only heard the birds warble , which i interpreted to be their concern for my misfortune , i return'd home to my house , not at all satisfied , when throwing my self upon the bed , i was immediately seiz'd with such a wild frenzy , that i even lost my speech , insomuch , that 't was thought i could never have escap'd death . du lys was ill at the same time , and much after the same manner , which has inclin'd me to believe ever since , that there is something in sympathy more than ordinary , for as the cause of our sickness was the same , so was its effect , which we understood by our doctor and apothecary , having both the same , but as for our surgeon 's they were several . i grew well a little before du lys , which made me to go , or i might rather say , be carryed to see her . when i came to her house , i found her a bed , and her father gone to court. she no sooner saw me , but she seem'd to recover , which made me desire her to rise , but she was no sooner got out of bed , than she fainted away in my arms. this made me extremely sorry that i had desir'd so unreasonable a thing of her , and therefore i had her immediately put to bed again , where after some time , i left her to recover by sleep , which perhaps she would not have done had i staid with her . not long after , we were both entirely recovered , and pass'd our time very pleasantly , all the while her father continued absent , till at last returning again , he was inform'd by some secret enemies of ours , that i had kept his daughter company ever since he had been from home . this made him to rave extremely , and to forbid his wife and daughters seeing me any more , which i learnt afterwards by our confidente , as likewise , that they had notwithstanding engaged in a resolution to see me often , and inform'd me of the means by this widow . the first was , that i should observe when this unkind father came into the city , when i might go to his house , and continue there till his return , which was well enough known by his knock. then were i to step behind the tapistry , and afterwards , while either a man or maid , or one of his daughters took off his cloak , i might easily slip out behind him , which he could never hear , by reason as i have told you before , that he was deaf . this contrivance i frequently made use of , but which being at length discovered , i was forc'd to have recourse to another , which was to meet my mistriss and friends in our confidentes garden , which i did several times , but at last that plot was discovered likewise . we then made use of the churches for that purpose , but which also came to be known : so that at last , we had nothing to rely upon but common chance , which now and then afforded us a meeting in one or other of the walks of the park , but then we were fain to use a great deal of caution to prevent being seen . one day after i had been with du lys a considerable while , for we div'd to the very bottom of our misfortunes , and took all the measures imaginable to furmount them , i would needs accompany her to the lower-court-gate , where being just come , we perceived at a distance her father coming directly towards us from the town . to fly was to no purpose , for he had already seen us . she then immediately entreated me to think of some invention to excuse us : i put off that task upon her , alledging she had the more subtile capacity . in the mean time the old gentleman got up with us , and whilst he was going to scold , she told him that i having understood that he had some rings and other jewels by him , for he had jewellers always at work for him , being as covetous as he was deaf , i was come to know if he would please to furnish me with some to present a young lady at mans whom i was going to marry . he was easily enclin'd to credit my pretence , and carrying me up stairs he shewed me several , whereof i chose two , one a small diamond , and the other a rose of emeralds . we presently agreed on the price , which i paid him down on the spot . this expedient gain'd me a continuance of my visits for some time till at length beginning to grow jealous of the cheat , he demanded of his daughter why i did not make more haste to mans. she thereupon advised me to go thither for a little time , which i did . this city is one of the pleasantest in the whole kingdom , as ye know very well , and where there is the most quality , which induced me to make plenty of acquaintance . i lodg'd at the green oaks , where also lay at the same time an operator , who kept a stage to sell his physick on , but that only till such time as he could get a company of strollers together to act , that being his principal design . he had already got several persons of quality , and among others a counts son , whose name i shall beg leave to conceal ; a young lawyer of mans , who had formerly belong'd to a company , together with a brother of his , and an old comedian , who was a great proficient in farce . he besides expected a young lady from laval , who had promised him to run away from her father for that purpose . with this man i got acquainted , and one day for want of better discourse i made him acquainted with all my misfortunes , whereupon he persuaded me to engage with him in his design , and that might prove a means to make me forget my hard usage . i readily accepted his offer , and would have certainly engag'd in it had but the lady that was expected come . but it seems her parents had been acquainted of her intentions , and consequently took care to prevent them , which obliged me to quit the undertaking . but love notwithstanding furnish'd me with a stratagem to renew my conversation with du lys without suspition , and that was to carry the lawyer beforemention'd , and another young man of my acquaintance , to both whom i had discover'd my design , along with me to alençon . they soon after appear'd in this city , one under the title of a brother , and the other a cousin german of an imaginary mistress of mine . i carried them to the sieur du fresne's house , whom i had before desired to pass for my relation , which he condescended to do . he did not fail likewise to say a great many fine things in my favour , assuring them that they had pitchd upon a very deserving person to make an alliance with , after which he invited us to supper . my mistresses health was drunk and du lys pledg'd it . after my friends had continu'd about four or five days in this city they return'd to mans , but i staid after them , and had a freer access than ever to my mistress . at last monsieur du fresne asked me why i delay'd so long to conclude my marriage , which made me to apprehend that my stratagem might be at length discover'd , and then i should shamefully be driven out of the house as before . this made me to enter into the most barbarous resolution that ever man in despair conceiv'd , and which was to kill du lys to prevent anothers ever having the possession of her . for this purpose i got a ponyard , and going to her desired her to take a walk out with me , which she granted . i thereupon led her before she was aware into a brambly part of the park quite out of any path-way . there i discover'd to her the cruel design despair had suggested to me to preserve her to my self , and at the same time drew the naked ponyard out of my pocket . she looked so charmingly upon me , and spoke so many soft things to divert my intentions , that she at length found it no difficult matter to disarm me . she seiz'd the ponyard then , and throwing it into the bushes told me she must be gone , and that she should not care to trust her self any more with me alone . she was going to tell me farther , that she never had deserved this usage at my hands , when i interrupted her , desiring she would afford me a meeting next day at her confidentes . she promised , and accordingly came . i saluted her and we lamented our common misfortune together , and after a great deal of discourse she advis'd me to go to paris , 〈◊〉 promised that tho' i staid away ten years she 〈◊〉 entertain no body else in the mean time , which nevertheless she did not keep . when i was about to take leave of her , which you may imagine i could not do without a great many tears , she said she thought it necessary that her mother and sister should be of the secret , and therefore the widow was immediately to call them● whilst i continu●e alone with her . it was then that we open'd our minds to each other more than we had hitherto done , and at length she told me , that if i had thoughts of carrying her away , she would willingly consent to it , and follow me wheresoever i went , and that if any were sent out after us , and should overtake us , she would pretend to be with child by me . however my love was so honourable towards her , that i would by no means consent to any hazard of her reputation on my account , but leave the event of all things to fortune . in the interim her mother and sister were come , and we broke our resolutions to them , which caused fresh tears and embraces on all sides . in short i took my leave of them in order to my journey to paris . before i set out i writ a letter to du lys , the contents whereof i have forgot , but you may imagine i omitted nothing therein that might serve to raise her compassion , and my confidente that carry'd it assur'd me that she could not read it for weeping , and much less return me an answer . i have forborn telling the several other adventures that happen'd during our amour , that i might not trespass too far on your patience . such as the jealousie du lys conceived at a cousin-german of hers that came to see her , and lived at her fathers for three months together , as also on account of the gentleman's daughter that brought the gallant whom i sent away packing . together with several rencountres i had by night for her sake , in two whereof i was wounded , once in the arm , and another time in the thigh . but to end all digressions , i must e'en let you know that i departed at last for paris , where i arriv'd safe , and continued about a year . but not being able to maintain my self there equal to what i had done in this city , as well by reason of the excessive dearness of provisions , as by having diminished my fortune by the expences i were at on account of du lys , as you have heard before i was fain to put my self to one of the king's secretaries , who had been married to his predecessors widdow . tho' this lady confer'd many favours upon me yet i was always so blind as not to perceive them , tho' some of them were so open that most of the family took notice of them . one day after i had bought some holland for neck-bands and wristbands to my shirts , and given them to some of the maid servants to make , my mistress came and observ'd them , when asking who they were for , and understanding they were mine , she bid them finish them assoon as they could , but leave the lace for her to put on . afterwards whilst she was working upon them , i by chance enter'd the chamber when she called to me , and told me she was at work for me , which surprized me so much that i could only return her thanks and so went out . but one morning to my greater wonder , whilst i was writing in my chamber , which was not very far from hers , she sent for me by one of the lackeys . whilst i was going to her i heard her rave like mad against one of her chamber maids , and her waiting-gentlewoman in these words , get ye out of my chamber ye blunderers , ye buffleheads , you know not how to do any thing as ye should do . when they went out i came in , whereupon , after having rallied them a little longer , she bid me shut the door and come and help dress her , and particularly to take the clean smock from the toilet and put it on for her . at the same time she stript off her foul one , and exposed her self naked to my sight . i was so greatly asham'd at this action of hers , that i told her that i should be less serviceable to her that way than her maids , and therefore desired her to send for them again , which she was nevertheless oblig'd to do by the sudden arrival of her husband . i had no reason to doubt of her intentions , but as i was young and timerous , i was apprehensive of some unlucky accident , and therefore resolv'd to ask speedily to be gone from her service , which i did soon after , whereto the husband answer'd nothing but retir'd , and the wife sullenly turn'd her chair towards the fire and bid the butler clear the table . after this , i went down to supper with the steward , and being at table , a neece of my ladys , of about twelve years old , came to me from her aunt , to know whether i had the courage to eat before i went. i forgot what answer i sent her , but i well remember that she immediately fell sick and was forc'd to keep her bed. next morning betimes she sent for me to go for a physician . when i came near her bed-side , she catch'd me by the hand , and told me plainly , that i had been the occasion of her illness . this augmented my former apprehensions , and therefore the same day i listed my self in the troops that were then raising at paris , for the duke of mantua , and departed without saying ought to any body . our captain came not along with us , leaving the command of his company to his lieutenant , who was a common robber , as likewise were the two sergeants , for they plunder'd wherever they came , and were at last hang'd by the provost of troyes in champagne , but who spar'd one of the sergeants , on account of his being brother to one of the duke of orleans's valet de chambres . we hereby remain'd without a leader , whereupon the soldiers with common consent pitch'd upon me to command the company , which consisted of fourscore men. i took this post upon me , with that authority as if i had really been the captain . i drew out my company , and mustered them , and distributed the arms amongst them , which i receiv'd at st. reine in burgundy . at length we fil'd off to embrun in dauphiny , where our captain came to us , expecting scarce to find a man in his company , but when he perceiv'd all i had done , and that i had preserv'd sixty eight of the men , having lost only twelve in our march , he hugg'd me heartily , and gave me the colours and his table . the army was one of the finest that ever went out of france , but which had the ill success you may have heard of , meerly thro' the bad intelligence between the generals . after its defeat , i staid at grenoble , to avoid the barbarity of the peasants of burgundy and champagne , who murder'd all that fled in such great numbers , that it introduc'd the plague in those two provinces , and which afterwards likewise spread it self throughout the whole kingdom . having staid some time at grenoble , where i got a great deal of acquaintance , i resolv'd to go for this city where i was born , but travelling out of the high-road , for the reason above mentioned , i came at length to a small town , call'd st. patrick . where the lady of the mannors son was raising a company of foot , to go to the siege of montauban . i listed under him , and he having discovered something more than ordinary in my countenance , after having demanded of me who i was , and being told the truth by me , he desir'd me to accept of the tutelage of a young brother of his , to whom he had given the colours , and which i readily did . we departed then for noeiis in provence , being the place of rendezouz for the regiment , but before we had been there three days , our captain 's steward robb'd his master and fled . he gave orders to have him persu'd , but which prov'd to no purpose . he then desir'd me to take the keys of his coffers , which i did not keep long , by reason he was commanded from the regiment , to wait on the great cardinal richelieu , who then headed the army for the siege of montauban , and other rebellious towns of guyenne and languedoc . he nevertheless carryed me along with him , and we found his eminence in the town of albi , whence we waited on him to the aforesaid rebellious city , but which continued not long so , after this great states-man's setting down before it . during this march we had a great number of adventures , which i don't think fit to bring you acquainted with , for fear of proving tiresome , having but too just reason to believe that i have been so too much already — to this star reply'd , that he would deprive them of a great deal of pleasure , if he did not continue his adventures to the end . he went on then , after the following manner — i got a great acquaintance in this illustrious cardinal's house , and that chiefly with the pages , whereof there were eighteen of normandy , who all made extreme much of me , as did likewise the rest of his eminences servants . as soon as the town was yielded up , our regiment was disbanded , and we return'd to st. patrick . the lady of the mannor had a suit at law with her eldest son , and was going to grenoble to prosecute it . as soon as we were got home , we were desir'd to accompany her thither , but which i had no manner of mind to do , having determin'd to go as i told you before : we were however prevail'd upon to comply with her request , which i have not since repented of ; for whilst we were at grenoble solliciting the suit , the late king of france lewis xiii hapned to pass by that way into italy , when i had the honour to meet in his retinue , with all the great lords of this country , and amongst the rest , the governour of this city , who being well acqainted with monsieur de st. patrice , after having offer'd me what money i wanted , recommended me heartily to him , so that i had then no reason to complain . i met likewise five young men of this city , three whereof were gentlemen , who had been my intimate acquaintance . i treated them the best that i could , both at our house and at the tavern . one day as we were coming from breakfast at an inn , in the suburbs of st. laurence , which is on the other side of the water , we hapned to stop upon the bridge to see the boats pass , when one of the five told me seriously , that he very much wonder●● why i had not enquir'd of them after du lys. i told him i durst not , for fear of hearing that which would not please me . they reply'd , i had done well to slight her that had broke her word to me . i thought i should have dyed at this news , but however i must know more to the same purpose , for they immediately acquainted me farther , that my departure for italy was no sooner heard of , than du lys was marry'd by her parents to a young man , whom they nam'd to me , and to whom i had the most aversion of any of her pretenders . then i began to break out and rail against her , in all the ill language that jealousie could suggest to me ; i call'd her tygress , traitress and the like , for that she could suffer herself to be marry'd , when she knew i was so near , and would certainly require an account both from him and her . i then took a purse out of my pocket which she had given me , and wherein i kept a bracelet of hers , and a blue ribbon , and putting a stone into it to make it sink , i threw it in a great passion into the river , speaking these words at the same time : so may i blot her out of my memory , as i abandon this purse to the pleasure of the waves . these gentlemen were not a little surpriz'd at my proceeding , and therefore told me that they were extremely sorry that they had let me know so much , which nevertheless i would have come to the knowledge of some way or other . they added moreover to comfort me , that what du lys had done was wholly by compulsion , for they perfectly perceiv'd an aversion in her to the person , and which was demonstrable enough , in that she languish'd all the time she was marry'd to him , and died not long after . this news encreas'd my grief , and comforted me at the same time . i took leave of these gentlemen , and went home , but so alter'd , that young madam st. patrice , the good ladies daughter observ'd it , and ask'd me what i ail'd . i gave her no answer but at length upon pressing me farther , i told her the story of my whole adventures , together with the news i had just heard . this good natur'd young thing , was extremely concern'd at the relation , which might be perceiv'd by her crying , and went immediately and told it to her mother and brothers , who all assur'd me they commiserated my misfortunes , and would do all that lay in their power to redress them , but that in the mean time i must be comforted and have patience . the suit betwixt the mother and the son , ended by an arbitration , and so we return'd . i then began to think of settling in the world. the house where i was , would have been sufficient to have afforded me a character , had i been dispos'd to marry , but tho'several good matches were offer'd me , yet would i accept of none . then i return'd to my former design of being a capuchine , and required the habit , but i met with so many obstacles in this intention which would be but redious for you to hear , that i quitted that design likewise . about this time the king commanded the arrierban of the gentry of dauphiny to go to casal . monsieur de st. patrice desir'd me to go along with him , which i could not well refuse . we departed and arriv'd there , and you know what was the success of it . the siege was rais'd , the town given up , and peace concluded through the mediation of mazarine . this was the first step he made to the cardinalship , and to that prodigious grandeur which he arriv'd to afterwards in the government of france . we return'd to st. patrice where i still persisted in becoming a recluse , but divine providence order'd it otherwise . one day monsieur de st. patrick perceiving my resolution , told me he would advise me to take orders as a secular priest. i reply'd i had not capacity : he answer'd there was those that had less . i resolv'd then upon it , and took orders upon an allowance of a hundred livres a year that madam st. patrice gave me . i said my first mass in our parish church , and upon which occasion my patroness treated about thirty priests and several gentry of the neighbourhood . i liv'd with too rich people to want preferment , for in six months time i got a considerable priory , and two other small benefices . some years after i had a very large priory and a very good curateship given me , for i had taken a great deal of pains in my study , and was arriv'd to that perfection in preaching that i could mount the pulpit before the best auditory , and even in presence of any bishop . i manag'd my revenues with discretion , and in a short time got together a considerable sum of money , wherewith i retir'd into this city , where i think my self extremely happy in meeting with so good company , as likewise in having done them some small service . rather , quoth star , the greatest that could be done for any body . she was going to say more when ragotin started up and said he would write a comedy upon this story , which would afford a more than ordinary decoration of the stage : for example , a fine park with a great wood , and a river with lovers walking and fighting , and a priest saying his first mass in it , what could be finer ? this made all the company laugh , when roquebrune who had all along contradicted him told him . you will never be able to do any thing in the matter . you know nothing of the rules of the stage ; besides you must change the scene , and continue three or four years upon it . then the prior said , gentlemen , pray don't dispute upon this point , for i have taken care of it my self already . you may remember that monsieur du hardy never observ'd rules so strictly , no more than some others of our late poets have done , such as the author of st. eustace , &c. monsieur corneille likewise would not have been so nice in that particular had not monsieur scudery been so severe on his cid . but for the most part these are such faults as the better sort of judges term beautiful ones . i must tell you , quoth the prior , i have compos'd a play on the subject of my adventures my self , and have call'd it fidelity preserv'd after hope lost . i have also taken for my device a wither'd tree with only a few blasted leaves on it , and a spaniel-dog lying at the root of it with this motto out of his mouth , depriv'd of hope yet always faithful . my play hath been acted several times . the title you have chose for it , quoth star , is as much à propos as your device and motto , for your mistress has prov'd false to you , yet you continue constant to her , resolving never to marry any other . the conversation ended by the arrival of monsieur verville and monsieur de la garrouffiere , and here ends this chapter , which no doubt has been tedious as well in regard of its length as subject . chap. xiv . verville's return , accompanied by monsieur de la garrouffiere . the actors and actresses marriages ; together with an adventure of ragotin's . all the company were extremely surpriz'd to see monsieur de la garrouffiere . as for verville's return it had been long expected with impatience , and that chiefly by the two couples that were to be married . the company demanded of la garrouffiere what news he had brought . he answer'd none but that monsieur verville having communicated an affair of importance to him he was glad of the occasion to come and see them again , and to offer them a continuance of his services . hereupon verville made a sign to him that that matter was to be talked of in private , and to break off the discourse he presently presented the prior of st. lewis to him , who he told him was his particular friend , and moreover a man of worth. then star told them he had just concluded a story the most entertaining that could be imagin'd , which caused these two new arriv'd gentlemen to profess their concern for not having come before to have had their share of it . then verville went into another room , whither destiny soon followed him , when after they had continu'd there for some time , they called in star and angelica , and afterwards leander and mrs. cave , whom monsieur de la garrouffiere followed without invitation . when they were altogether monsieur verville told them that he had acquainted monsieur la garrouffiere with the design of their inter-marriages , whilst he was at rennes , and that he had presently resolv'd to go home by alençon , to assist at the weddings . the two couples gave him a great deal of thanks , and return'd him their acknowledgments of the honour he had done them . but now i think on 't , quoth monsieur verville to la garrouffiere , had not we best have the man up that waits below . i think so , reply'd la garrouffiere , if the company were willing . they answer'd any friend of his or monsieur vervilles would be welcome at any time to them . the man was thereupon sent for up . as soon as he enter'd the room mrs. cave look'd stedfastly upon him , and began to be mov'd , tho' she knew not for what . she was ask'd if she knew that man ? she answer'd she could not remember she had ever seen him . then she was desired to take more notice of his face , which she did , and began to find so many of her own features in him that she cry'd out , it is not my brother sure ? whereupon he immediately went to her , and embracing her , told her that he was her brother whom variety of misfortunes had kept so long from the sight of her . he afterwards saluted his neice and the rest of the company , and then assisted at the secret conference , where it was concluded that the two marriages should be speedily solemniz'd . all the difficulty at last was what priest should marry them . then the prior who had been called in to the conference stept up , and said he would talk about that with the parsons of the two parishes in the city , and of that of the suburbs of montfort , and if they made any difficulty about it , he would return to sées and obtain leave of that bishop , and providing he would not grant it , he would go and procure it from the bishop of mans , who was his intimate acquaintance , and within whose diocess his small concern lay . the company was very well pleased with his proposal , and desired him to take that trouble upon him . then was a notary privately sent for , and the marriage contracts drawn . i don't tell you the particulars of them , because they never came to my knowledge , but certain it is , that the parties were soon after married accordingly . monsieur verville , monsieur de la garrouffiere and the prior of st. lewis were the witnesses to the contracts . this last went immediately to discourse the aforesaid parsons , but neither of them would marry them , alledging several reasons that the prior perhaps was unable to answer for want of capacity . this made him resolve according to his promise to go to sées . for this purpose he took leanders horse and one of his servants , and went to wait on the bishop of that diocess who was very unwilling to grant his request . the prior urg'd that these people were truly of no diocess , being here to day and gone to morrow , and yet they could not be reputed vagabonds , as the three parsons would needs have them to be , by reason that they had the kings licence , and by consequence were subjects of that diocess wherever they happen'd to come . also that those persons for whom he requir'd a licence were at present in the diocess of alençon , over which his lordship had jurisdiction , and that therefore he humbly requested the favour of a licence for them , they being very honest people . hereupon the bishop gave the prior liberty to have them married in what church he pleased . he would have called his secretary to have drawn up the licence in form , but the prior told him that a word or two under his own hand would be sufficient . next day our solicitor return'd to alençon , where he found the betroath'd parties making all manner of preparations for their nuptials . the other strollers who had not been admitted of the secret wonder'd what all that provision meant , but especially ragotin who was most concern'd to know it . what oblig'd them to keep it so secret related wholly to destiny , for as for leander and angelica , ever body knew they were to be married . another reason likewise was their fear of not obtaining a licence ; but no sooner were they secure of one than they made the matter publick , and having read the marriage contracts before all the company , they proceeded to appoint a day for the solemnization . this was a cruel blow to poor ragotin whom rancour whisper'd in the ear , did not i tell you what this would come to ? i had always mistrusted it . hereupon the poor little man fell into a deep melancholy , which enclin'd him to that despair which you may read of in the last chapter of this romance . he became so disorder'd that while he was walking one holy-day before the great church of notre-dame , at the time of the ringing of the bells , he fancied that they were made to ring the following words on purpose to affront him , thi●-mor-ning - ra-go-tine got-drunk-by-too-much-wine : go-home , go-home . this made him to go immediately into the belfry and rattle the sexton , telling him he ly'd , for that he had not drunk so much as he imagined . but , quoth he , i should not have been angry if you had made your bells to cry the-mu-ti-neer - des-ti-ny has-got-thy-dear - star-from-thee , ra-gotin-ra-gotin . for then i should have rejoiced to have found inanimate bodies sensible of my wrongs . but to call me drunkard , a name i never deserv'd ! i will be reveng'd of you and your bells if possible . having said this , and crowded on his hat fast to his head , he mounted up a pair of winding stairs which he thought went up to the place where they were ringing , but which were indeed the stairs belonging to the organ . when he began to perceive that this was not the belfry stair-case , he was somewhat troubled ; nevertheless going on forwards , he at length met with a little low door which went under the tiles . here he crept in ; and whereas other people would have been forc'd to creep on , by reason of the low pitch of the place , ●he nevertheless afterwards had room to walk upright , when ●t last coming to another door that open'd into the ringing-room he went in and found several persons at it ding-dong with that eagerness that they never look'd behind them . at his first entrance he saluted the fellow that stood next him with all the injurious language he could think of , calling him ●illain , rascal , sot , puppy , blockhead , clown , and what not , which notwithstanding the noise of the bells hindred that ●erson or any of the rest from hearing . at this ragotin , be●eving himself not only affronted but despis'd , went up to ●he said fellow and gave him a good lusty thump on the ●ack with his fist. the fellow feeling himself struck , turn'd about of a sudden and cry'd , what little t — 〈◊〉 this ? — i wonder who sent thee hither to strike me . ragetin was about to have given him the reason for what he had done , when the ringer holding his bell-rope with one hand , and catching him by the arm with the other twirl'd him about , and at the same time gave him such a kick in the a — e that he sent him headlong down a pair of stairs into the chim●-room . he tumbled so violently , with his face foremost against some of the clock-work , that his nose gus●●d out with blood , besides the many other parts of his body that were extremely bruiz'd . this made him to roar like a bull ; but perceiving no remedy , and fearing to go up again to the ringer , he ran down stairs as fast as he could drive to complain to the lieutenant criminal who lived hard by . this magistrate seeing ragotin in that pickle , was easily enclin'd to believe what he told him , but after having heard the reason likewise , from the sexton that followed him to his house , he could not forbear laughing immoderately , tho' he pity'd him at the same time , well knowing that the little man must needs have his brain out of order to be guilty of such extravagancies . nevertheless to content him what he could , 〈◊〉 told him he would do him justice , and consequently sent 〈◊〉 footman for the ringer , who being come , he demanded 〈◊〉 him why he had abused that little gentleman there with hi● bells . to which he answer'd , that he knew not how 〈◊〉 could abuse him , since he and his companions rung only after their common rate or-le-ans-bois-gen-cy , no-tre-dame-de - cle-ri : ven-dosme-ven-dosme . but that indeed after he had once struck him first he did ki●● him , which happening to be towards the top of the stairs , 〈◊〉 could not help his falling to the bottom . the lieutena●●● criminal hereupon bid the ringer for the future be mo●● cautious how he bestowed his favours of that kind , and advised ragotin to be wiser hereafter than to trust to his imagination , since it had so palpably deceiv'd him . ragotin , 〈◊〉 finding it likely to have any farther justice done him in 〈◊〉 case , went home as well satisfied as he could , when the a●●●ors perceiving his face bruiz'd and bloody in many plac●● enquir'd of him what had been the occasion , but he wou●●● by no means tell them , yet they soon after came to know 〈◊〉 by others , which caused them , together with monsieur verville and monsieur garrouffiere to laugh heartily at him . the wedding-day being at length come , the prior of st. lewis told the parties to be marryed , that he had made choice of his own church to marry them in , whither they went soon after , with as little noise as they could , and were marryed after a very pious exhortation . the business being thus done , they returned to their lodgings , where they din'd , after which they did not know how to pass their time till supper . as for plays , enterludes , and balls , they had been so familiar to them , that they were not at all entertaining , and therefore they propos'd to hear some novel read . verville said for his part he knew none . if ragotin had not been melancholy , he had been the properest person to relate one , but he was dumb . then rancour was spoke to to tell that of the poet roquebrune , which he had promis'd the company he would do when occasion serv'd , and none could happen better than novv . his answer was , that he was not at all in humour , and besides , that he did not care to bespatter his friend roquebrune with aspersions , since he had better deserv'd of him of late then he had formerly done . at length monsieur de la garrouffiere told the company , that if they would accept of what he could entertain them with , he would tell them some adventures which he had been an eye-witness of , and which you will find in the following chapter . chap. xv. the two iealous ladies , a novel . my father , who was a councellor of the parliament of rennes , said monsieur de la garrouffiere , and who design'd me for his successor , as i am , sent me to the college to qualifie me for that purpose . but whilst i continu'd in my own country he fancyed i profited but little , and therefore he resolved to send me to la fleche , where you know the jesuites have their best college throughout all france . it was in this little tovvn that vvhat i am about to tell you hapned , and moreover at the same time that i studied there . — there were tvvo gentlemen , the most accomplish'd in all that place , vvho altho' they vvere a little advanc'd in years , were nevertheless not marry'd , as it often happens amongst persons of any quality , vvho according to the proverb , between whom we would have , and whom we would not , we remain a long time unmarried . this saying vvas nevertheless cross'd at last by these tvvo vvell bred gentlemen . one of these , vvho vvas called monsieur de fons-blanche , married a daughter of the family of chateau-d'un , vvho vvere a meaner sort of gentry , but very rich. the other vvhose name vvas monsieur du lac , marry'd a lady from the city of chartres , who was not rich , but nevertheless exceeding beautiful , and of so good a family , that she vvas related to several dukes , and peers , and mareshals of france . these tvvo gentlemen , vvho could share the tovvn betvvixt them , vvere alvvays good friends till after their marriage , vvhen their tvvo ladies looking enviously on each other , they quickly occasion'd a rupture betvveen the husbands . madam de fons-blanche , vvas nor , 't is true , handsome in countenance , but she had nevertheless a graceful mein , vvas vvell shap'd , had a great deal of wit , and vvas very obliging . madam du lac , as beautiful as she vvas , yet vvanted address ; she had wit indeed a great deal , but so ill manag'd , that she thereby rather render'd herself avoidable than acceptable . these tvvo ladies vvere of the humour of most women novv a days , vvho never think they live great , unless they have a score or tvvo of beaux after them . this caus'd them to employ all the art they had in making conquests , but herein du lac succeeded much better than fons-blanche , for she had subdued all the youth of the tovvn , i mean among the quality , for she vvould by no means suffer any others to speak to her . this pride and affectation , occasion'd a great many murmurings against her , vvhich at length broke out into open detraction , but nothing harm'd her , for it is thought it rather contributed to , than hinder'd her procuring nevv lovers . fons-blanche vvas not so desirous of having a great number of sparks . she nevertheless had some , which she manag'd with a great deal of address , and vvhereof there vvas one , a very handsome young fellovv , vvho had as much wit as she , and vvas one of the bravest youths of his time . this spark vvas her greatest favourite , but at length his diligence caus'd him to be suspected by the neighbours , and slander began to talk loud . it was here the rupture began between the two ladies , who before , had visited each other very civilly , but nevertheless with a little jealous envy . du lac began at last to slander fons blanche openly ; to spy into her actions , and do all that lay in her power to ruine her reputation , especially about the aforesaid gentleman , whose name was monsieur du val-rochet . this soon came to fons-blanche's ears , who was extremely nettled at it , and said , that if she had lovers , it was not by scores as du las had , who every day gain'd new conquests by her impostures . du lac hearing this , quickly return'd her the like reflections . whence you may imagine , that these two women liv'd together in a town like a brace of daemons . some charitable people did all they could to reconcile them , but which prov'd in vain , for they could never be prevail'd upon so much as to see each other . du lac thought , that the only way to offend fons-blanche to the quick , would be to get away her lover du val-rochet from her . she then caus'd monsieur de fons-blanche , to be acquainted under-hand , that he was no sooner out of doors , which he was often , either a hunting or a visiting his neighbours , but that du val-rochet lay with his wife ; and farther , that several persons of credit were ready to testifie , that they had seen him come naked out of her bed. monsieur de fons-blanche , who had never yet had any suspition of his wife , was nevertheless inclinable to reflect a little upon what he had heard , and in confusion , desir'd his lady to oblige him so far , as to entertain du val-rochet's visits no longer . she seem'd all obedience , but nevertheless insinuated so many reasons why she might safely admit him , that he gave her liberty , and suffer'd her to act as before . du lac perceiving that this contrivance of hers had not had its desir'd effect , resolv'd to get some opportunity to talk with val-rochet herself . she was both fair and subtle , two qualifications that were sufficient to surprize the waryest heart , altho' it had been never so much engag'd . de fons-blanche was extremely concern'd , at being like to lose her lover , but much more when she heard , that val-rochet had spoke unhandsomely of her . this grief of hers was augmented by her husband's death , which hapned a little while after . she went into close mourning 't is true , but jealousie got the ascendant of her outward concern . her husband had been scarce buried days , but she had a secret conference with val rochet . i know not the subject of their discourse , but the event makes me pretty well able to guess at it , for in little more than a week after , their marriage was made publick , so that in less than a months time , 〈◊〉 had two husbands , a living and a dead . this seems to me , to have been the most violent effect of jealousie immaginable , for to deprive du lac of her lover , she both forfeited her modesty by marrying so soon , and forgave the unpardonable affront val-rochet had offer'd her . du lac was almost ready to run mad when she first heard this news , and resolv'd forthwith to have him assassinated as he went on a journey to britany , but which he having been acquainted with , she was prevented in that design . then she enter'd upon the strangest thought that ever jealousie could suggest , and that was , to set her husband and val-rochet together by the ears , which she brought about by her pernicious artifices . they quarrell'd divers times , and at length came to a duel , which du lac encourag'd her husband in , being none of the wisest men in the world , that du val-rochet might have an opportunity to kill him , which she fancyed no hard matter , and then she propos'd to hang him out of the way for his pains . but as fortune would have it , it hapned quite otherwise , for val rochet trusting to his skill in fencing , seem'd to dispise du lac , thinking he durst not make a thrust at him , but herein he was extremely deceiv'd , for whilst he put himself out of guard , du lac made a home thrust at him , and run him thro' the body , whereof he instantly dyed . this done , du lac went home to his house , and acquainted his wife therewith , who was not only surpriz'd but concern'd at so unexpected an accident . he after this fled away privately to a relation of his wives , who as i have told you before , had several persons of quality to her kindred , who labour'd incessantly to obtain her husbands pardon from the king. madam fons-blanche was not a little astonish'd when she was first told that her husband was kill'd , but coming afterwards to herself , she was advised to bury him quickly and privately , to prevent his body being arrested by the bailiffs . thus in less than six weeks time , fons-blanche had been a widow twice . du lac not long after obtain'd his pardon , which was confirmed by the parliament of paris , notwithstanding all the opposition the deceas'd person 's widow could make . this made her to entertain a wilder design than madam du lac had done before , and that was to stab du lac as he walked in the market-place with some of his friends . for this purpose she provided herself of a ponyard , and marching up to him , attackt him so furiously , that before he could get himself into a posture of defence , or have any of his friends turn about to help him , she had stabb'd him mortally in two places , vvhereof he died three days after . his wife immediately got this virago seiz'd and clapt up in prison . her tryal came on , and she was condemn'd to die , but her execution was respited , by reason of her being with child , nevertheless , not long after the stench of the prison did the work of the hang-man , for she dyed of a disease caus'd thereby , after having been first delivered before her time , and her child being baptiz'd died likewise soon after . madam du lac began afterwards to reflect on what she had been the occasion of , and therefore forthwith resolv'd to turn nun , which she did , after having put her affairs in order , in the nunnery of almeneche , in the diocess of sées , where she now continues , if she be not yet dead of her austerities which she voluntarily inflicted on her self . the actors and actresses countinu'd their attention , even while monsieur de la garrouffiere had done speaking , so well they lik'd the story he had entertain'd them with . roquebrune starting up all of a sudden , told the company , after his usual way , that this was a rare subject for a grave poem , and he would make an excellent tragedy of it , which he would reduce to dramatick rules . the company took little notice of what he said , but all admir'd at the wonderous courage of the women , who being push'd on by jealousie , did not boggle at the most hazardous attempts . then it was disputed , whether jealousie were a passion or not , and all concluded , that whatsoever it was , it ruin'd the noblest of passions love. there was a good while yet to supper , when all the company agreed to go and walk in the park , which they did , and afterwards sat themselves down on the grass . then destiny said , he thought nothing so pleasant as novels . which leander confirming , offer'd to relate another concerning a neighbour's daughter of his , which was accepted , and after three or four times coughing , he began as follows . chap. xvi . the capricious lady , a novel . there liv'd in a small town of britany call'd vitray an ancient gentleman who had been married a great while to a very virtuous lady without having any children by her . amongst other houshold-servants he had a steward and a housekeeper , thro' whose hands most matters relating to the family passed . these two persons , as most servants do sooner or later , made love , and promiss'd each other marriage . they had so well play'd their parts in their several stations , that both the good old gentleman and his lady died not long after very much incumber'd . as for the two servants they became rich and married , having little or no regard to their masters misfortune . some years afterwards a certain ill accident fell out that caused the steward to fly his country , and which to do the more securely , he listed himself in a troop of horse , leaving his wife without children . she having waited for his return about two years and hearing nothing of him , caus'd a report to be spread abroad that he was dead , and accordingly went into mourning for him . when this was a little over , she was sought after by several persons in marriage , and among the rest by a rich merchant who marry'd her , and at the years end had a child by her , who might be about four years old when her mothers first husband return'd home to his house . to tell you which was the most surpriz'd , the two husbands or the wife , is not in my power , but certain it is , that the first husbands occasion of going away still continuing against him , he was easily prevail'd upon by the other husband to take a small sum of money to be gone again . 't is true he every now and then return'd secretly for a little subsistance from his wife , which was not refus'd him . in the mean time the daughter , whose name was margaret , grew up , and being rich , tho' she was not handsome , did not want for sparks to court her . among the rest was a rich merchants son , who did not mind his fathers business , but lov'd to frequent gentries company , where he often met with his mistress margaret , who was received among them on account of her riches . this young man , whose name was monsieur de st. germain , had a good countenance and courage enough to engage him often in duels , which at that time were very frequent . he danc'd very gracefully , gam'd with all the better sort of company , and was always well drest . in the many meetings he had with this young lass , he took all opportunities to let her know what a kindness he had for her , and how desirous he was to be her husband . this she seem'd to approve of well enough , and consequently invited him to come and see her at home , which he did by permission of her father and mother , who extremely favour'd the match . but afterwards , when he was about to ask her of her parents , he would by no means do it till he had her consent likewise , not believing when she had yeilded so far in other things she would oppose him in that , but to his great surprize , upon putting the question to her , he found her to repulse him furiously , both in words and actions . hereupon he went his way , and forbore visiting her for five or six days , hoping that thereby he might in some measure abate his passion , but to his disappointment he found that it had taken too deep root to be so easily remov'd , insomuch that he was quickly forc'd to go see her again . he had no sooner enter'd her house but she went out of it among her companions in the neighbourhood , and whither he followed her , after having had a promise from her father and mother to do their endeavours to make her more sociable . this nevertheless they durst not attempt to do with rigour , she being their darling and only daughter , and therefore they chose rather to represent to her mildly what injustice she did the young man , to use him so ill , after having once profess'd to love him . to this she gave no answer , and notwithstanding all was said , continu'd still in her ill humour , for whenever he offer'd to come near her she would change her place . then he would follow her , but she always flew from him . one day as she was getting away he caught her by the sleeve ; she told him he rumpled it , and that if he offer'd to come near her any more she would give him a box o'th'ear . in a word , the more he follow'd her the more she avoided him . when she was at the ball , and he would have danced with her , she affronted . him , telling him she was out of order , and at the same time danc'd with another . she at length arriv'd to that pitch of ill-nature that she occasion'd him quarrels , and he above four times accepted challenges upon her account , in all which duels he nevertheless came off safe , which she seem'd to be very sorry for . all this ill usage did but enflame his passion the more , like as oyl thrown upon the fire , insomuch that his visits were made the more frequently for his being discourag'd . one day above the rest he fancy'd his perseverance had wrought an alteration in her , for that she suffer'd him to come near her , and seem'd to hearken attentively to what he said to her . his language was this , why do you thus fly from me , insensible fair one ! that cannot live without you ? if i have not merit sufficient to deserve you , yet consider at least the excess of my passion , and the many indignities i have born from you with patience . very well , answer'd she , you may flatter your self with that fancy if you please , but i would have you to know that the best way for you to win upon me , is to get as far out of my sight as you can , and because you cannot well do it as long as you continue in this town , i command you , which if you have that respect you pretend for me you will obey me in , to list your self in the troops that are now raising , and after you have made a few campagnes it may be you may find me more kind . this small pittance of hope which i afford you ought to encline you to obey me , but if you will not do it lose me for ever . then she drew off a ring from her finger and gave it him , saying keep this ring to put you in mind of me , but remember that i forbid you to come any more tho' to take your leave of me . this said , she suffer'd him to take a parting kiss of her , and then went into an adjoining chamber locking her self in . then this wretched lover went to take leave of her father and mother , who pity'd him extremely , promising to continue always his friends , and next day he listed in a troop of horse that was raising to go to the siege of rochelle . his mistress having enjoin'd him not to see her again , till after his return , he durst not pretend to attempt it ; but however the night before his departure he gave her a serenade under her window with this complaint at the end of it , which he sung to the melancholly strains of his lute . the words of the serenade . iris inexorable fair ! whom neither love nor friendships sway , will you not pity my despair , rather than innocence betray ? will you for ever cruel prove , and must i think your heart of stone ; will you not yet consent to love , but suffer me to be undone ? alass ! fair nymph , at length i yield to fate , and take my last adieu . never was lover surer kill'd , nor mistress less concern'd than you . when i am dead some friend of mine shall rip up this unhappy breast , and to your power my heart resign , but leave to earth and worms the rest . the capricious creature at the sound of this serenade got out of her bed , and opening the shutters of the window peep'd thro' the glass , and set up so hearty a laugh as might well make the poor lover think that he was not like to succeed in his design . just as he was about to express his mind farther , she clapt to the shutter , crying out to him aloud , keep your promise , sir , for your own sake , and it may be i may not be worse than mine . with this answer poor st. germain retir'd , and a few days afterwards set out with his troop for the siege of rochelle . this town as you may have heard , held out very obstinately for some time , till at length it was forc'd to surrender upon discretion . then it was that the troop wherein st. germain rid was disbanded , and return'd to vitray . he no sooner arriv'd but he went to wait on his unkind mistress margaret , who permitted him 't is true to salute her , but afterwards told him that he had return'd too soon , and that she was not yet dispos'd to receive him , and therefore desir'd him to be gone again . his answer was in these mournful words , you are certainly the most cruel person of your sex , and i plainly perceive that you desire nothing more than the death of him that has approv'd himself the most faithful lover in the world. you have put me four times upon single trials of my courage , and i have always had honourable escapes . you then would have me hazard my life in the army , and i have come off safe there , even where many a less unhappy wretch than i has met his end . but since i find you so ardently covet my ruin , i will go seek my fate in so many places that it shall be out of fortunes power to afford me any escape ; but it may be you will not be able to forbear repenting of having occasion'd this , since my death shall be of that kind as will not only surprize but encline you to pity me . adieu ! then , added he , most cruel of your sex , adieu for ever ! having utter'd these words , he was rising to be gone , but which she would not suffer till she had told him that she did not by any means desire his death , and that what she had done to engage him in duels was only to be the better convinc'd of his courage , that he might be the more worthy of her . and lastly she let him know that she was not yet dispos'd to receive his addresses , but that time , for ought she knew , might make an alteration upon her to his advantage . with these words she left him and retir'd . the small hopes she gave him put him upon a stratagem which was like to have spoil'd all , and that was to make her jealous . he consider'd with himself that since she had shew'd some good will towards him , she would not fail to be jealous if she really lov'd him . he therefore sought out a comrade of his that had a mistress that lov'd him as much as his slighted him . he desir'd him to give him leave to make his addresses to her and he to do the like to his , that he might observe how she would take it . his comrade would by no means grant his request till he had his mistresses consent , which nevertheless soon after demanding , he easily obtain'd . the first time that these two ladies came together , which i should have told you they did almost every day , the two lovers made their exchange according to agreement , st. germain stepping up to and courting his comrades mistress , whilst his comrade did the like to the haughty margaret , who received him but very coldly . but assoon as she perceived her former spark and his mistress laugh'd , she began to fly out into a great passion , well knowing then that this exchange had been concerted on agreement , and therefore immediately flung out of the company with tears in her eyes . this caused the obliging mistress to go after her and endeavour to appease her , telling her that this stratagem of her lovers was only to know her mind the better , and not to circumvent or affront her , and therefore earnestly entreated her to take no farther notice of it , but rather to favour the constant addresses of so sincere a lover as st. germain had long been to her . all this notwithstanding gain'd little upon the humoursom margaret ; whereupon the unfortunate st. germain was driven to so fierce a despair that for the future he fought nothing so much as to shew the violence of his love by some rash action , which he hop'd might procure his death . this resolution one night , not long after , he had an occasion to put in practice , for whilst he and seven of his comrades were coming out of a tavern half drunk , and with their swords by their sides , they chanc'd to meet three or four gentlemen , amongst whom was a captain of horse . with these they began to dispute the wall , and which they obtain'd by being the greater number , but the gentlemen returning immediately after with four or five more of their company , they pursued these persons that had so greatly affronted them , and overtook them in the high-street , when st. germain being the foremost , and having been the forwardest in the affront , the captain discovering him to be a trooper by his hat , stept up to him and gave him such a lusty blow with a back-sword that he cut thro' his hat and cleft part of his scull . having done this , and thinking themselves sufficiently reveng'd , the captain and his companions march'd off , leaving st. germain for dead in the arms of his friends . he had little or no pulse left , and less motion , insomuch that they immediately carried him home , and sent for several surgeons , who found life yet remaining in him . these drest his wound , stitch'd up his scull and then bound it up . the noise of this contest had at first allarm'd the neighbourhood ; but they were much more surpriz'd when they heard a man had been so dangerously wounded . the thing was talk'd about from one to t'other after a different manner , but however all concluded that st. germain was a dead man. this report quickly got to his cruel mistresses house , who tho' undrest , yet immediately ran to see him , and whom she found in the condition i have told you . as soon as she saw death begin to show its self in his face she fell down in a swoon , and it was found no easy matter to recover her . when she came to her self the neighbours began to accuse her of being the cause of this disaster , and that if she had not been so unkind to him he would never have been so desperately rash , this being but the result of what he had frequently threaten'd . then began she to tear her hair , wring her hands , and do all that mad people are wont to do . she afterwards proceeded to serve him with that diligence that all the time of his illness she would neither undress her self nor lye down on the bed , not permit any of his sisters to do any thing about him . after he came to himself , and began to know people , it was judged necessary that she should absent herself , which she was nevertheless with great difficulty prevail'd on to do . he at length was cur'd , and when he came to be perfectly well he was married to his capricious mistress margaret , to the satisfaction of every body , but much more of himself . after leander had finish'd this novel , the company return'd to the town , where having well supp'd , danc'd and the like , they put the new marry'd couples to bed. these weddings had been kept so secret that they had no visitors for two days after , but on the third day they were so embarras'd with them that they had not leisure left them to study their parts . after a little time they all continu'd their exercise as before except ragotin , who was fallen into a perfect despair , as you will find in the following chapter . chap. xvii . ragotin's despair and death , with the end of the comical romance . rancour perceiving , that he as well as ragotin had no more hopes left of succeeding in his love to star , got up betimes , and went to the little man , whom he found likewise risen and writing at the table . upon his enquiry what he was doing , he told him he was writing his own epitaph . how ! quoth rancour , do people use to make their epitaphs before they are dead ? but what surprizes me most of all , continu'd he , is that you make it your self . yes , i have made it my self , answer'd ragotin , and will shew it you . he thereupon open'd a paper , which was folded , and read these verses . ragotin's epitaph . here th' unlucky ragotin lies , who liv'd a slave to fair stars eyes , yet destiny him of her depriv'd ; which made him take a iourney strait to th' other world , compell'd by fate , for needs must where the devil driv'd . for her a stroller he became , and here with life concludes the same . this is fine indeed , quoth rancour , but you will never have the satisfaction to read it on your tomb , for it is the common opinion that dead people neither see nor understand any thing of what we do that survive them . ah! answer'd ragotin , you have partly been the cause of my misfortunes , for you always gave me hopes i should succeed , and yet i am very well assur'd you all along knew the contrary . then rancour protested to him that he knew nothing certainly of it , but confess'd that he had always suspected it as he had told him before , when he had advis'd him to stifle his passion , she being the proudest woman in the world. but methinks , added he , her profession of a stroller , which you know is none of the most honourable employments , might have something abated her self-conceit , yet it has always so happen'd that these sort of women take much more upon them than belongs to them . but at length , continu'd he , i must discover something to you that i have kept a secret till now , and that is , that i was as much in love with madam star as you , and i know not how a person that had so much conversation as i had with her could have well avoided it ; but now that i find my self out of hopes as well as you , i am resolv'd to leave the company especially since mrs. caves brother is come into it , who can act all those parts that i did , and therefore i believe they will be the more willing to part with me . i will then go to rennes where the other company is , and whereinto i do not question but i shall be receiv'd , because that they at present want an actor , then , quoth ragotin to him , since you were in love with the same person i do not know how you should speak to her for me . but rancour swore like a devil that he was a man of honour , and had done all that in him lay to promote his interest , but said he could never prevail to be heard . well then quoth ragotin , you have resolv'd to quit the company , and si●● have i likewise , but i have determin'd withal to make a larger leap and forsake the world too . rancour made no reflections 〈◊〉 his epitaph , thinking he meant only his retiring to a convent● and therefore took no care to prevent his doing himself any harm . as for the epitaph he never spoke of it to any body but the poet roquebrune , to whom at his request he gave a copy . when ragotin was alone he began to think what method he should make use of to rid himself out of the world. he took a pistol and charg'd it with a brace of bullets to shoot himself thro' the head , but then he was affraid that way would make too much noise . then he took the point of his sword and put it against his breast , but assoon as he 〈◊〉 it prick it made him sick , and therefore that method was rejected . at last he went down into the stable , where whilst the hostlers were at breakfast , he took one of the halters that he found lying there , and fasten'd one end of it to the rack , and put the other with a noose about his neck , but when he was about to let himself swing , he found he had not the heart to do it , and therefore waited till somebody came in when he was resolv'd upon it . at length a gentleman came and then he let go the hold of his hands , but still kept one foot bearing on the manger . however he might have been strangled had he continu'd so hanging for any while . the boy that went to put up the gentleman's horse seeing ragotin hang in that manner , thought verily he had been dead , and therefore he began to bawl out like mad for help . all the family came down , and seeing a man hang'd , immediately took the rope from his neck , and brought him to him self , which you may imagine was not very easy to do . then he was ask'd what made him enter upon so strange a resolution , but no answer could be got from him afterwards rancour took madam star aside , whom i might have call'd by the name of destiny , but being so near to the end of this romance it will be scarce worth while , and told her the occasion as he believed of this strange underdertaking . she seem'd much surpriz'd at it , but was much more when she heard this wicked man tell her that he was still in the same mind to make away with himself , but would not attempt it any more by a halter . to this star answer'd not one word , whereupon ragotin took his leave and departed . some little time after he made known to the company a design he had to accompany monsieur verville to mans. the company was willing enough to part with him as long as he had a companion , but would not have car'd to trust him alone . next morning they set out betimes , after that monsieur verville had made a thousand protestations of continu'd friendship to the actors and actresses , but especially to destiny , whom he embrac'd , professing the great joy he had to see his designs accomplish'd . ragotin made a long harangue by way of compliment , but which was so confus'd that i don't think fit to insert it . when they were ready to go verville enquir'd if the horses had drank . the hostler told him it was too soon in the morning , but he might let them do it on the road if he pleased . then having taken leave of monsieur de la garrouffiere , they mounted and 〈◊〉 forwards . monsieur de la garrouffiere mounted likewise to go home , whom the new married couples return'd abundance of acknowledgments to , for coming so far to honour their nuptials with his presence . after a hundred protestations of service on both sides , he set out , and rancour followed him , who notwithstanding his insensibiliiy could not forbear weeping . destiny wept also , calling to mind the many services rancour had done him , especially that upon the pont-neus at paris , when he was there set upon and robb'd by la rappiniere and his followers . assoon as verville and ragotin were got to a river they immediately went therein to water their horses , but it was ragotin's peculiar ill fortune to light on a place where the bank had been cut down , which causing his horse to stumble , he threw the little man violently over his head into the river , which was exceeding deep in that part above others . poor ragotin knew not how to swim , and tho' he had , his equipage of carabine , basket-hilt sword , and cloak , would have sunk him in spite of his teeth . one of verville's men immediately rode after ragotin's horse to catch him , whilst another stript himself and leap'd in after the master to save him , but found him dead . then company was call'd , and the body taken out and laid on the grass . next the strollers were sent for , who mightily condol'd poor ragotin's fate ; which having done , they took him and buried him in st. catharines chappel , which is not very far from this river . this dismal event nevertheless verified the proverb , that he that was born to be hang'd would never be drown'd . ragotin experienc'd the revers , for he could not strangle himself and so might be drown'd . thus ended the life and adventures of this little comical advocate , who shall be remembred by the inhabitants of mans and alençon as long as they have any tast for strolling , or relish for stage-plays . roquebrune seeing ragotin in his grave , said that his epitaph must be alter'd after the following manner . here th' unlucky ragotin lies , who liv'd a slave to fair star's eyes , yet destiny him of her deprived ; which made him strait resolve to float , to th' other world without a boat ; for needs must where the devil driv'd . for her a stroller he became , and here with life he ends the same . the actors and actresses return'd home to their lodgings , and continu'd their exercise with their ordinary applause . a table of the chapters of the third part . chap. page . i. which may serve for an introduction to the third part. ii. where you 'll find ragotin's design . iii. leander's project and harangue , together with ragotin's being admitted among the strollers . iv. of leander's departure ; the strollers going for alençon , and ragotin's misfortune . v. what happen'd to the strollers between vivain and alençon , together with another misfortune of ragotin's . vi. of saldaigne's death . vii . the sequel of mrs. caves history . viii . the end of mrs. caves history . ix . how rancour undeceiv'd ragotin concerning madam star ; together with the arrival of a coachful of gentry , and some other comical adventures of ragotin's . x. the history of the prior of st. lewis , and the arrival of monsieur verville . xi . resolutions of destiny's marrying with star , and leander with angelica . xii . what happen'd in the iourney to fresnaye , as likewise another misfortune of ragotin's . xiii . the continuation and conclusion of the prior of st. lewis's history . xiv . verville's return , accompanied by monsieur de la garrouffiere . the actors and actresses marriages ; together with an adventure of ragotin's . xv. the two iealous ladies , a novel . xvi . the capricious lady , a novel . xvii . ragotin's despair and death , with the end of the comical romance . finis . scaron's novels . novel i. avarice chastis'd : or , the miser punished . t is not quite a thousand years ago since a pretty younker , who was full as ambitious as poor , and had a greater itch upon him to be thought a gentleman than a rational creature , left the mountains of navarre , and came in company with his father to find that at madrid which was not to be got in his own country , i mean wealth and riches , that are sooner ●cquired at court than any other place , and indeed are sel●om acquired there but by importunity and asking . he had ●he credit , i cannot inform you how it came about , to be ●eceived as a page by a certain prince , which quality in spain is not so happy , as that of a lacquey in france , and ●ot much more honourable . when he first put on his live●y , he was about twelve years old , and from that moment might be called the thriftiest page in the world , and the ●east given to spending . all his worldly stock , not to reckon ●is expectations , that were very big , consisted in a wretched bed set up in a garret , which he had hired in that quar●er of the town where his master lived ; and there he ●igged every night with his venerable father , who may be said to be rich in gray hairs , because by procuring him the charity of well-disposed persons , they helpt to maintain him . at last the old gentleman troop't off , at which his unrighteous son rejoyc'd , fancying himself already enriched , by that which his father did not spend . from that hour he enjoyn'd himself so severe and strict a sort of life , and practis'd so wonderful a frugality , that he spent not a farthing of that little money his master gave him to keep body and soul together . it is true , he did this at the expence of his belly , which often grumbled at him for it , and of all his acquaintance . don marcos ( for that was our hero's name ) was of a stature below the common pitch , and for want of due repairing the decays of his little carcass , he became in a short time as slender as a lath , and as dry as a deal-board . when he waited on his master at table , he never took off a plate with any meat in it , but he dexterously whipt the best part into his pocket ; and because it could not so well contain soops , and other liquids , he made money of a great number of torches ends , which he had kept together with great industry , and bought him a pair of tin pockets ; by the help of which he soon began to perform miracles for the advancement of his fortune . misers are for the most part careful and vigilant , and these two good qualities , joyn'd to the furious passion which don marcos had to become rich , made his master take such a fancy to him , that he was resolved never to part with so excellent a page . for this reason he made him wear a livery till he was thirty years old . but at last this phoenix of a servant being oblig'd to undergo the tonsor●s hands too often , to clear him of his ungodly beard , his master metamorphos'd our page into a gentleman , and thus made him that which heaven never design'd him to be . and now you must know his revenues were augmented by the addition of several reals aday ; but instead of augmenting his expences , our spark shut his purse so much the closer , as his new employ , one would have thought , might have obliged him the more to open it . he had heard stories told him of some of his own profession , who for want of a valet would call up your fellows that cry brandy about the streets in a morning , to make their beds , and sweep their chambers , under pretence of buying some of their liquor , and of others , who in the winter got themselves undrest at night by your cryers of gray pease or link-boys : but as this was not to be done without some sort of injustice , and our don marcos made a conscience of wronging any one but himself , he thought it much better to shift as well as he cou'd without a valet . he never burnt an inch of candle in his chamber , but what he stole , and to manage it with more oeconomy , he began to unbutton himself in the street at the very place where he lighted it , put it out as soon as he got to his lodgings . and so tumbled into bed in the dark . but still finding that there was a cheaper way of going to bed than this , his busie inventing genius set him upon making a hole in the wall , which divided his room from that of his neighbour , who no sooner lighted his candle , but our don immediately opened his hole , and by that means received light enough to do any thing he had occasion for . being not able to dispense with himself from wearing a tilter at his breech , by reason of his noble descent , which required it of him , he clapt a lath into a scabboard , wore it one day on the right , and the next on the left side , in order to use his breeches to some sort of symmetry , and because his trusty whinyard wou'd wear them out the less , being equally divided between the right and the left . at break of day he stood at the street-door , begging a gods name a cup of water of every tankard-bearer that passed by , and thus furnished himself with water enough to serve him several days . he wou'd often come into the common hall , where his masters other servants used to take their repasts , and whatever he saw them eat , he was sure to commend it to the skies , to give him some sort of a privilege to taste it . he never laid out a farthing in wine , yet drank more or less every day , either by sipping some of that which was publickly cryed about the streets , or stopping porters that were carrying it to the taverns , whom he wou'd ask to give him a taste of their wine , that if he liked it , he might know where to send for it . once upon a time , riding to madrid upon a mule , he so dexterously cheated the eyes of his innkeepers , that he fed trusty dapple with the straw of the beds , where he lay ; but the very first day of his journey , being weary of paying for his servants dinner , who was the first he ever had , he pretended that he cou'd not drink his landlords wine , and sent the poor fellow to find out better , a full league at least from the inn where he then was . the servant accordingly beat the hoof thither , relying upon his masters honour , who fairly gave him the slip , and so the wretch was forced to beg all the way to madrid . in short , don marcos was the living picture of avarice and filching , and was so well known to be the most co●etous devil in spain , that at madrid he advanced himself ●nto a proverb , and they called a pinching miser a don marcos . his master and all his friends told a thousand merry stories of him , and even before his own face , because he understood raillery to perfection , and wou'd stand a jest as well as a managed horse will stand fire . 't was an usual saying with him , that no woman cou'd be handsom if she loved to take , not ugly if she gave money , and ●hat a wise man ought never to go to bed , unless for the satisfaction of his conscience , he had turned the penny in the day time . his excellent theory , seconded by a most exact practice , had brought him together , by that time he was forty years old , above crowns in silver , a prodigious summ for a grandees gentleman to get , but especially in spain . but what may not a man save in the compass of many years , who steals all that he can from himself and other people ? don marcos having the reputation to be rich , without being a debauchee or gamester , was soon courted in marriage by abundance of women , that love the money more than the man , whose number in all parts of the world are great . among the rest that offered to carry the marriage yoke with him , he met a woman whose name was isidora , who passed for a widow , altho in truth she had never been married , and appeared much younger than she was , by patching and painting and tricking herself , in all which mysteries she was skilled to admiration . the world judged of her wealth by her way of living , which was expensive enough for a woman of her condition ; and people who frequently guels at random , and love to magnify matters , gave her at least three thousand livres a year , and some ten thousand crowns in plate and jewels , and the like convenient moveables . the fellow that proposed her for a wife to don marcos , was a notable sharper , one that trucked in all sorts of merchandize , but his principal subsistence was selling of maidenheads , and making of matches . he spoke in such advantageous terms of isidora to don marcos , that he set him upon the tenter-hooks to see this miracle , ( a curiosity he had never expressed for any woman before ) and so effectually perswaded our unthinking cully , that she was rich , and the widow of a certain cavalier , descended from one of the best families in andalusia , that from that very instant he had an itch to be married to her . the same day this proposal was made to him , our marriage-pimp , whose name was gamara , came to call upon don marcos , to introduce him into isidora's company . our covetous hunks was ravish'd to see the neatness and magnificence of the house into which gamara conducted him , but he was much more so , when this master of the ceremonies assur'd him that it belonged to isidora . he was perfectly transported at the richness of the furniture , the alcoves , and rooms of state , and a profusion of sweet seems , that rather seem'd proper for a lady of the highest quality , than for one that was to be the wife of a grandee's gentleman and no better ; then as for the mistress of this enchanted castle , he took her for a goddess . don marcos found her busy at work between a damosel and a chamber-maid , both so beautiful and pretty , that whatever aversion he had to expensive living , and a great number of servants , he resolved to marry isidora , if it were only for the vanity to be master of two such charming creatures . whatever isidora said to him was utter'd so discreetly , that it not only pleas'd , but perfectly ravish'd don marcos , and what contributed to make an entire conquest of his heart , was a collation as nice as neatly serv'd in , where the clean linnen and the silver plate were all of a piece with the other rich moveables of the person that gave it . there sat down at this entertainment , a young gentleman very well drest and well made , whom isidora pretended to be her nephew . his name was angustine , but his good aunt call'd him augustinet , altho the pretty baby was above twenty years old . isidora and augustinet strove who shou'd make don marcos most welcome , and during the repast helpt him to all the choicest bits ; and while our trusty miser laid about him like a harpy , and cramm'd his half-starv'd guts with victuals enough to last him eight days , his ears were charm'd by the melodious voice of the damosel marcella , who sung two or three passionate airs to her harpsicord . don marcos lost no time , but fell on like a devil , it being at another's expence , and the collation ended with the day , whose light was supplied by that of four large candles in silver sconces , of admirable workmanship and weight , which don marcos at that moment designed within himself to reform into one single lamp , so soon as he was marry'd to isidora . augustinet took a guittar and plaid several sarabands and tunes , to which that cunning jilt marcella , and inez the chamber-maid danced admirably well , striking their castanietta's exactly to the time of the guittar . the discreet gamara whispered don marcos in the ear , that isidora never sat up late , but went early to bed , which hint our civil gentleman took immediately , and rising from his seat , made her a thousand compliments and protestations of love , more than he had ever done to any female before , wish'd her and the little augustinet a good night , and left them at liberty by themselves to talk of him what they thought . don marcos , who was up to the ears in love with isidora , but much more with her money , protested to gamara , who accompanied him to his lodgings , that the charming widow had intirely gain'd his affections , and that he wou'd give one of his fingers with all his soul , that he were already marry'd to her , because he never saw a woman more made to his mind than she , altho in sober truth he confessed , that after marriage he wou'd retrench somewhat of that endless ostentation and luxury . she lives more like a princess than the wife of a private man , cries the prudent don marcos to the dislembling gamara ; and she does not consider , continued he , that the moveables she has , being t●rned into money , and this money being joyned to mine , we may be able to purchase a pretty handsome estate , which by gods blessing , and my own industry , may make a considerable fortune for the children providence shall give us . and if our marriage is without issue , since isidora has a nephew , we will leave him all we have , provided i like his behaviour , and find him no way addicted to ill husbandry . don marcos entertained gamara with these discourses , or something of the like nature , when he found himself before his own door . gamara took leave of him , after he had given him his word that next morning he should conclude his marriage with isidora , because , says he , affairs of this nature are as soon broke off by delays , as by the death of either of the parties . don marcos embraced his worthy marriage-jobber , who went to give isidora an account in what disposition of mind he left her lover . in the mean time our amorous coxcomb takes an end of a candle out of his pocket , fixes it to the point of his sword , and having lighted it at a lamp , which burnt before the publick crucifix hard by , not without dropping a few hearty ejaculations for good success in his affair , he opened the door of the house where he lodged , and repaired to his wretched bed , rather to think of his amour than to sleep . gamara came to visit him the next morning , and brought him the agreeable news that his business was done with isidora , who wholly left it to his discretion to appoint the day of marriage . our besotted lover told gamara that he was upon thorns till it was over , and that if he were to be marry'd that very day , it would not be so soon as he wished . gamara reply'd , that it lay solely in his own power to conclude it when he pleas'd , and don marcos embracing him , conjur'd him to use all his diligence to get the contract dispatch'd that very day . he appointed gamara to give him the meeting after dinner , while he went to his master 's levee , and waited on him at table . both of 'em met exactly at the time of assignation , and then immediately went to isidora's house , who received them much better than the day before . marcella sung , inez danced , augustinet play'd upon the guittar , and isidora the principal actress of this farce gave her spouse that was to be a noble repast , for which she knew well enough how to make herself full amends afterwards . gamara brought a notary , who perhaps was a counterfeit one . the articles of marriage were sign'd and seal'd . it was proposed to don marcos to play a game at primera to pass away the time . heavens bless me , cry'd the astonish'd don marcos , i serve a master who wou'd not let me live a quarter of an hour with him , if he knew i was a gamester ; but god be praised , i don't so much as know the cards . how much does it delight me , replies isidora , to hear signior don marcos talk after this manner ? i daily preach the same doctrine to my nephew augustinet , but your young fellows are not a farthing the better for all the good advice that is given them . go , foolish obstinate boy , says she to augustinet , go and bid marcella and inez make an end of their dinner , and come and divert us with their castanietta's . while augustinet went to call up the maids , don marcos stroking his whiskers with admirable gravity , thus carry'd on the discourse . if augustinet , says he , has a mind to keep in my favour , he must renounce gaming and staying out late a nights . if he 'll keep good hours , i am content with all my heart that he should lie in my house , but i 'll have my windows ba●red , and my doors locked and bolted before i go to bed : not that i am in the least jealous in my temper , for i think nothing can be more impertinent , equally when a man has a virtuous wife , as i am going to have ; but houses , where there is any thing to lose , cannot be too well secured against thieves , and for my part i should run distracted , if a villain of a thief , without any other trouble than that of carrying off what he found , should rob me in an instant of what my great industry had been scraping together so many years ; and therefore , continues don marcos , i forbid him gaming and rambling a nights , or the devil shall roast me alive , and i will renounce the name of don marcos . the choleric gentleman utter'd these last words with so much vehemence and passion , that it cost isidora abundance of fair speeches to put him in a good humour again . she conjured don marcos not to trouble himself about the matter , assuring him that augustinet would not fail to answer his expectation in all points , because he was the most tractable and the best-conditioned boy that ever was known . the coming in of augustinet and the dancers , put a stop to this discourse , so they spent the greatest part of the night in dancing and singing , don marcos being loath to give himself the trouble to walk to his lodgings so late , would by all means have perswaded isidora to give her consent , that they might live from that time forward like man and wife together , at least that she wou'd suffer him to lye at her house that night . but our widow putting on a severe countenance , protested aloud , that ever since the unhappy day , on which her widdowhood commenced , no man living had set his leg within her chaste bed , which she reserved for her lord and master , nor should do so , till the rites of the church were performed ; adding , that in her present circumstances her reputation wou'd not suffer her to let any man , but only her nephew augustinet , lye in her house . don marcos return'd her his humble thanks , notwithstanding his amorous impatience . he wish'd her a good repose , return'd to his own lodging , accompany'd by gamara , took his end of a candle out of his pocket , fixed it to the point of his sword , lighted it at the lamp of the crucifix : in short , he did every thing as he had done the night before , so punctual was he in every respect , unless i● were that he omitted to say his prayers , because he though● his affair as good as concluded , and so did not want the assistance of heaven to further it . the bans were soon published , there coming a cluster of holidays together : in fine● this marriage , so much desired on both sides , was celebrated with more expence and formality , than one would have expected from so fordid a miser , who for fear of touching his six thousand crowns , had borrow'd money of his friends to defray the charges of the day . the chief servants belonging to his master were invited to the wedding , who al● concurred in commending the happy choice he had made . the dinner was sumptuous and noble , tho provided at th●● expence of don marcos , this being the first time he 〈◊〉 bled in his pocket ; and to do him justice , out of his exce●● of love he had bespoke very fine wedding cloaths for isidora and himself . all the guests departed in good time , and don marcos with his own hands locked the doors , barred the gates , not so much to secure his wife , as to secure the coffer wherein his money lay , which he order'd to be set near the nuptial bed. in short , the married couple went to bed ; and while don marcos , not finding all that he expected to find , began even then perhaps to repent of his marriage , marcella and inez were grumbling together at their masters humour , and blam'd their mistress for being so hasty to be marry'd . inez swore by her maker that she wou'd sooner choose to be a lay sister in a convent , than endure to live in a house that was shut up at nine . and what would you say were you in my case , says marcella to inez ; for you have the pleasure of going sometimes to market to buy things for the family ; whereas i , who am my lady's waiting-woman forsooth , must never peep abroad , but live a solitary life with the chaste wife of a jealous husband ; and as for the serenades we used to hear so often , under our windows , i expect to hear them no more than the music of the spheres . yet for all this , replies inez , we have not so much reason to complain as poor augustinet . he has spent the best part of his youth in waiting upon his aunt , who has disposed of her self as you see ; she has set a formal pedagogue over his head , who will reproach him a hundred times a day with every bit he eats , and with his fine cloaths , which god knows whether he came honestly by . you tell me news , says marcella , that i never heard before , and i don't wonder that our mistress has made so foolish a bargain , when her nephew ad honores , is forced to pass his time with us . if i wou'd have believed his fair promises , i might easily have carry'd off the young spark from his aunt , but she has kept me from my childhood , and i ought in conscience to be faithful to those , whose bread i eat . to tell you the truth , continued inez , i have no aversion to the poor boy , and i must own to you , that i have often pitied him , to see him sad and melancholy by himself , while other people are making merry , and diverting themselves . in this manner did these servants entertain one another , and reason upon their mistress's marriage . the good inez soon fell asleep , but the vertuous marcella had other things to mind . no sooner did she find her bedfellow fast , but she steals out of bed , dresses herself , and packs up in one bundle the wedding-cloaths of isidora , with some of don marcos's things , which she had dexterously convey'd out of their chamber , before the provident master had lock'd the doors . when this was over , away she marches , and because she had no design to return , she left open the doors of the apartment , which isidora hir'd in that house . inez awak'd not long after , and missing her companion , had the curiosity to enquire what was become of her . she listen'd at augustinet's door , not without some little suspicion , and spice of jealousie ; but hearing not the least noise there , she examin'd every place where she thought it probable to find her , but miss'd of her aim , and sees the doors left wide open . she immediately ran upstairs , and rapt at the chamber door of the new marry'd couple as hard as she cou'd drive , whom she strangely alarm'd by this noise . she told them that marcella was gone , that she had left the doors open , and that she was afraid she had carry'd off some things , which she never design'd to restore . don marcos leapt out of his bed like a mad man , ran to his cloaths , but found them gone as well as isidora's , and to his inexpressible mortification , saw his dear spouse of so different a figure from what had charm'd him , that he thought he should have sunk through the floor . the unfortunate lady being awakened so on the sudden , took no notice that her tower was not upon her head . she saw it lying on the ground near the bed , and was going to take it up ; but alas ! we do nothing orderly when we go rashly to work , and in confusion . she put the back part of it before ; and her visage , which had not received its usual refreshing so early in the morning , the gloss of her paint and washes being gone , appeared so ghastly to don marcos , that he fancied he saw a spectre . if he cast his eyes upon her , he beheld a terrible monster , and if he carried his sight elsewhere , he found his cloaths were missing . isidora , who was in a strange disorder , perceived some of her teeth hanging in the large , long , and well-peopled mustachio's of her husband , and went about in this consternation to recover them ; but the poor man , whom she had so dismally affrighted , not being able to imagine that she stretched out her hands so near his face , with any other design , than to strangle him , or pluck out his eyes , retired some paces backward , and avoided her approaches with so much address , that not being able to come up to him , she was forced at last to tell him , that some of her teeth were lodged in his whiskers . don marcos directed his hands thither , and finding his wives teeth , which formerly belonged to some elephant , a native of afric , or the east indies , dangling in his beard , he flung them at her with a great deal of indignation . she gathered them up , as likewise those that were scattered in the bed , and up and down the chamber , and retired to a little closet with this precious treasure , her painting-brush and some other necessaries she had placed upon her toilette . in the mean time don marcos , after he had heartily renounced his maker , sat him down in a chair , where he made sorrowful reflections upon his being married to an old beldame , whom he found by the venerable snow , which sixty long winters had shed upon her bald skull , to be at least twenty years older than himself , and yet was not so old neither , but that he might expect to be plagued with her twenty years more . augustinet , who upon this noise had got up in hast , came half drest into the room , and endeavoured all that lay his power to appease the worthy husband of his aunt by adoption : but the poor man did nothing but sigh , and beat his thighs with his hand , and sometimes his face . he then bethought himself of a fine gold chain , which he had borrowed to set himself off on the day of marriage , but to compleat his vexation , there was nothing but the remembrance of it left him , for marcella had taken care to secure it among the other things she carried off . he looked for it at first with some tranquillity , but as carefully as might be , but after he had wearied himself to no purpose in looking for it all over the chamber , he found that it was lost , and his labour likewise , and then certainly no despair cou'd equal his . he gave such terrible groans , that they disturb'd all the neighbourhood where he liv'd . upon these doleful cries , isidora bolted out of her closet , and appear'd so much renew'd , and so beautiful , that the poor man thought this was the third time they had chang'd his wife . he look'd upon her with admiration , and did not express himself angrily to her . at last he took out of one of his trunks the cloaths he wore every day , drest himself , and attended by augustinet enquir'd in every street after the perfidious marcella . they look'd for her in vain till the hour of dinner , which was made up of what they had left the day before . don marcos and isidora quarrell'd with one another , like people that had a desire to dine , and dined like people that had as good a stomach to quarrel . however , isidora sometimes endeavour'd to bring back don marcos to his peaceable humour , speaking to him in as submissive and humble terms as she cou'd think of ; and augustinet us'd his best entreaties to reconcile them to each other ; but the loss of the gold chain was more to don marcos than a stab with a dagger through his body . they were ready to rise from table , where they had done little else but quarrel , while augustinet all alone by himself employ'd his teeth to the best purpose , when there came into the room two men from the steward of the admiral of castile , who desired the lady isidora to send him the silver plate he had lent her only for fifteen days , and she had kept above twenty . isidora cou'd not tell what other answer to make him , but that she wou'd go and fetch it . don marcos pretended that the plate belong'd to him , and he was resolv'd to keep it . one of the men stay'd still in the chamber , lest they should remove that which they made such a difficulty to restore , while the other went to find out the master of the house , who came , and reproach'd isidora with her unjust dealing , took no notice of the opposition don marcos made , and in spite of all that he said to him , mov'd off with the plate , and left the husband and wife quarrelling with one another about this new disaster . their dispute , or to speak more properly , their quarrel was in a manner concluded , when a pawn-broker , accompanied with his porters and followers , came into the room , and told isidora that since he was inform'd she was marry'd to a man of bulk and substance , he was come to fetch the moveables she had hired of him , and the money due for the loan of them , unless she was minded to buy them . here don marcos lost all his patience , he call'd the broker sawcy rogue and rascal , and threaten'd to be labour him lustily . the broker told him he valu'd not his big words , that every honest man ought to restore what did not belong to him , and fell foul upon isidora with unmannerly language , who was nor wanting on her side to give him as good as he brought . he struck her , she return'd the blow , and the floor was in a minute cover'd with the counterfeit teeth and hair of isidora ; with the cloak , hat and gloves of don marcos , who interpos'd to defend the vertuous rib of his side . while the combatants were gathering up their things that were fallen on the ground , while the broker remov'd the moveables , and paid himself as honest brokers use to do , and all of them together made a noise as if hell were broke loose , the landlord of the house , who lodg'd in an apartment above , came down into isidora's room , and acquainted her , that if they design'd to make such a noise as that every day , they must e'en go seek out another lodging . 't is you , you impertinent puppy , that must seek on another lodging , replies don marcos , whose anger had made him as pale as a ghost . upon this the landlord answered him with a box on the ear , and our angry don was looking for his sword or ponyard , out marcella had carry'd them off ; isidora and augustinet interposed in the scuffle , and with much ado appeased the master of the house , but not don marcos , who beat his head against the walls , calling isidora a hundred times cheat , and strumpet , and thief . isidora with tears in her eyes answer'd him , that a poor woman ought not to be blam'd for setting her brains to work to get a man of such merit as don marcos was , and therefore he had more reason to admire her for her wit , than to beat her as he did ; adding , that even in point● of honour , a man ought never to lay hands on his wife . don marcos swearing most heroically , protested that his money was his honour , and that he was resolved to be unmarry'd , whatever it cost him . to this the meek isidora replied with a world of humility , that she would still be his loving wife , that their marriage had been celebrated in the usual forms , and 't was impossible to dissolve it , for which reason she advised him to sit still and be patient . when this point was pretty well over , the next question was , where they should take another lodging , since this was too hot for ' em . don marcos and augustinet walked out to find one , and in this interval isidora enjoy'd a little breathing time , and with the trusty inez , comforted herself for the ill humour of her husband , so long as she saw his trunks full of money still in the chamber . don marcos took a convenient lodging in his master's neighbourhood , and sent augustinet home to sup with his aunt , not being able , as he said , to bring himself as yet to eat with such an impudent cheat. towards the evening he came home as surly as a baited bear , and as fierce as a tyger . isidora endeavour'd by all her arts to soften him into a better temper , and next morning had the boldness to desire him to go to his new lodging and stay there to receive the moveables , that augustinet and inez were going to carry to a cart , which they had newly hired . don marcos accordingly went thither , and while he expected their coming , the ungrateful isidora , the knavish augustinet , and the jilting inez , with all expedition convey'd the whole substance of this unfortunate man into a cart , drawn by lusty able mules , went into it themselves , quitted madrid , and took the road to barcelona . don marcos who had exhausted all his patience , in waiting for their coming , went back to his former lodging , found the doors shut up , and was inform●d by the neighbours , that they had remov'd from thence with their goods several hours ago . upon this he return'd to the place from whence he came , but did not find what he expected . immediately he went back to the old place , suspecting the misfortune that had happen'd to him , he breaks open the chamber door , where he could see nothing but a few wretched wooden platters , an old rusty pair of tongues , a batter'd pair of bellows , the broken leg of a crippled andiron , and such like precious ware , which they had left behind them , as not thinking it worth their while to encumber the cart with them . and now he was convinc'd into what treacherous hands he had fallen ; he tears off his beard and his hair , he buffe●s his eyes , he bites his fingers till the blood came ; nay , he was sorely tempted to kill himself , but his hour was not yet come . the most unfortunate men sometimes flatter themselves with vain hopes . thus he went to find out the fugitives in all the inns of madrid , but could hear no tale or tidings of them . isidora was not such a fool as to employ a cart by which she might be betray'd , but had hired one in an inn near madrid , and to secure herself from being pursu'd , had articled before-hand with the owner , that he should stay no longer in the city than was sufficient to take her up , her company , and her goods . more tir'd and weary than a dog that has cours'd a hare and mist her , our poor gentleman was returning home , after he had enquir'd at all the inns in the city and suburbs , when by meer accident he popt upon marcella head to head . he caught hold of her by the throat , and cry'd out to her , and have i met thee , thou traiterous baggage , i will keep thee fast , till thou hast restored every farthing thou hast stole from me . oh! good heavens , says this subtle dissembler , without changing countenance for the matter , how did i always mistrust that this would fall upon me . hear me , dear master , for the love of the blessed virgin , hear me , before you ruin my reputation . i am a woman of vertue and honesty , i thank my good god for it ; and shou'd you disgrace me never so little before my neighbours here , t wou'd be my utter undoing , for i am upon the point of marriage . let us step to yonder corner , and if your lordship will give me the hearing , i will tell you what is become of your chain and cloaths . i knew well enough that the blame wou'd be laid upon me for what has happen'd , and told my mistress so before-hand , when she forc'd me to do what i did , but she was mistress , and i a poor servant . well! how wretched is the condition of those that serve , and what pains do they take to get a sorry livelihood . don marcos had little malice in his nature ; the tears and eloquence of this dissembling cockatrice inclin'd him to listen to her , and even to believe whatever she told him . he walked with her therefore under a porch belonging to a great house , where she inform'd him , that isidora was an old batter'd strumpet , who in her time had ruin'd several persons that were smitten with her , but had saved nothing out of all her gettings , by reason of her profuse and riotous living . she likewise told him , what she had learn'd from inez , that augustinet was not nephew to isidora , but a sort of a bravo , the bastard of another whore , and that she caus'd him to pass for her nephew , only to give her some authority among women of her own profession , and to revenge her quarrels . she acquainted him that it was he to whom she had given the gold chain and the cloaths that were stoln , and that it was by his order that she went away in the night , without taking leave , that so only she might be suspected of so wicked an action . marcella told all these fine stories to don marcos , not at all regarding what might be the consequence , either to get clear out of his hands , or perhaps to keep up a good old custom long ago observ'd among servants , which is to lye boldly , and tell their masters all that they don't know , as well as all they know . she cocluded her discourse with an exhortation to him to be patient , giving him hopes that his things might be restor'd to him , when he least expected it . and perhaps never , replies don marcos very discreetly ; there is little likelihood that a traytress , who has robb'd me of my goods , and is gone off with them , will ever return to restore them to me . he afterwards told marcella all that had befallen him with isidora , ever since she was gone . is it possible she shou'd have so little conscience with her ? says that wheedling devil marcella . ah! dear master 't was not without good reason that i pitty'd your hard usage , but i durst not say any thing to you of it : for that very evening you were robb'd , taking the boldness to tell my mistress , that she ought not to touch your gold-chain , she beat me black and blue god-knows , and called me all the whores in the creation . but thus the case happen'd , says don marcos , fetching a deep sigh , and the worst of it is , that i see no remedy to help me . hold a little , crys marcella interrupting him , i know a cunning man , a friend of mine , who will shortly be my husband , i trust in heaven , and he will tell you where you may find these people , as plainly as if he saw them . he 's an admirable man , that 's certain , and can make the devil fetch and carry for him like a grey-hound . the credulous don marcos conjur'd her to let him see this son of art. marcella promis'd him to do it , and told him she wou'd certainly meet him the next day in that very place . don marcos accordingly came thither , nor was marcella forgetful of the appointment , telling our unfortunate spark , that the magician she had talk'd to him about , had already begun his operations to help him to his stoln goods , but that he wanted a certain quantity of amber , musk , and other perfumes , wherewith he was to make a fumigation for the daemons whom he intended to invoke , who were all of the first order , and of the best families in hell. don marcos , without deliberating farther on the matter , carries marcella to a perfumers shop , buys as much of those scents as she told him wou'd be necessary , nay , and presented her with some essences and oyls she begg'd of him , so much did he fancy himself oblig'd to her for helping him to a magician . the wicked marcella carry'd him to a house of a very scurvy aspect , where in a low room , or rather a nasty dog-hole , he was receiv'd by a man in a cassock , whose beard reach'd down to his girdle , and who receiv'd him with a world of gravity . this villanous impostor , on whom don marcos look'd with a great deal of respect and fear , two qualities that generally go together , lighted two black wax candles , and gave them to the affrighted don marcos to hold one in each hand . he order'd him to sit down upon a little low stool , and exhorted him , but his exhortations came too late , not to be afraid . after this , he ask'd him several questions about his age , his way of living , and about the goods that were stoln from him ; and having look'd a while in a mirror , and read half a score lines in a book , he told don marcos , who was ready to expire with fear , that he very well knew where his things were , and described them one after another so exactly to him , that don marcos let the candles drop out of his hands , to hug and embrace him . the serious magician blam'd him extremely for his impatience , and told him that the operations of his infallible art demanded a great deal of circumspection and care ; giving him to understand , that for actions less hardy and indiscreet , the daemons had sorely buffeted , nay , and strangled some persons . at these words don marcos look'd as pale as a criminal after sentence , and taking the candles again in his hands , sat down on his stool . the conjurer then call'd for his perfumes that don marcos had bought , and the perfidious marcella gave them to him . hitherto she had been a spectatress of the ceremony , but now he commanded her to quit the room , because , says he , the devils don't like the company of women . marcella at her going out made a profound reverence , and the magician drawing near a little pan of coals , made as if he threw don marcos's perfumes upon the lighted charcoal , but indeed threw a noisome composition into it , which cast so thick and dismal a smoke , that the magician , who imprudently lean'd over the pan , had like to been suffocated . he cough'd several times to expectorate the steams he had suck'd in , and that with so much violence , that his long venerable beard , which was not of the growth of his chin , and had been ill-fastened on , fell down , and discovered him to don marcos to be the pernicious gamara . don marcos caught hold of him by the throat , griped and squeez'd him like any hercules , crying out theif in a shrill , terrible voice . as it happened , the magistrate was going down the street at that time , who enter'd the house , from whence such dismal cryes proceeded , that they alarm'd all the neighbourhood ; for you must know , that gamara , whom don marcos all this while held by the throat , roar'd out as loud as he could do for the heart of him . the first person the officers seiz'd , was marcella , and breaking open the door of this magical apartment , they found don marcos and gamara very lovingly griping and tugging one another about the room . the provost knew gamara at first sight , whom he had been hunting after a good while , and had ordered to be apprehended for a pick-pocket , a cock-bawd , and above all a notorious thief . he hurried him away to prison with don marcos and marcella , took an inventory of all the goods in the house , and saw them carefully locked up . don marcos was enlarg'd upon his master's security , that he should appear next day . accordingly he came as evidence against gamara and marcella , who were plainly convicted to have robbed him of his goods , that were found safe and untoucht , among several other things that had been set down in the inventory , some of which he had stole , and the rest were pawn'd to him , for he was a iew by religion , and consequently an usurer by profession . when he was apprehended , he was just upon the point of marrying marcella , who was to bring him by way of portion , besides the things she had stoln from don marcos , a dexterity in stealing , not inferiour to his own , a pliant wit , capable of learning any thing that could be shewn her ; nay , even of surpassing it : and lastly , a wholesome , juicy , young body , considering it had been so often bought and sold , and had endured so many heavy shocks and fatigues in the mansions of fornication . the case appeared so plain on don marcos's side , who was supported by the credit of his master , that he had his own goods immediately restored to him . gamara was sent to the galleys for the remainder of his life ; marcella was soundly whipt and banish'd , and all people thought that the iew and his wife elect , were too favourably dealt with . as for don marcos , he was not so well pleased to have his things again , and be revenged on gamara and marcella , as vext that this great impostor did not prove a magician . the loss of his ten thousand crowns had almost turn'd his brain . he went every day to enquire at all the inns of madrid , and at last met with two muleteers lately return'd from barcelona , who told him , that about four or five days journey from madrid they had met a cart upon the road laden with goods , and two women and a man riding behind , and that they had been forced to make an halt at an inn , because two of the fellow's mules were killed with being over-laboured . they described this man and the two women to him , and the marks they gave them so fitted isidora , inez , and augustinet , that without farther deliberation he disguised himself in the habit of a pilgrim , and having obtained of his master letters of recommendation to the viceroy of catalonia , and from the justice a decree for his fugitive wife , he took the road to barcelona , sometimes beating it upon the hoof , sometimes on horseback , and arrived there in few days . he went towards the harbour to take a lodging there , and the first thing that greeted his sight was his own coffers , that were carrying to a boat , with augustinet , isidora and inez attending them , which was to convey them to the vessel that expected them in the road , wherein they designed to imbark for naples . don marcos followed his enemies , and threw himself like a lyon into the long-boat . they did not know him by reason of his huge slapping pilgrims hat , that eclipsed his little countenance , but took him to be some pilgrim going to loretto , as the seamen took him to be one of augustinet's company . don marcos was in the strangest perplexities of mind that can be imagin'd , not so much for what would become of himself , as what wou'd become of his dear trunks . all , this while the long-boat made the best of her way to the merchantman , and sailed so swift , or rather don marcos was so puzzled with what his brains were hammering , that he found himself directly under the vessel , when he thought himself at a great distance from it . the sailors now begun to heave up the trunks , which awaken'd don marcos out of his contemplations , who always kep his eye upon the dearest of his trunks , wherein his money was lodged . a seaman at last came to take up this very individual trunk to fasten it to the rest with a thick cord that was let down from the vessel in a pully . and now it was that don marcos forgot himself , he saw his trunk ty'd up just by him and did not stir ; but at last seeing it mount up in the air , he caught hold of it with both hands , by one of the iron rings that served to lift it up from the ground , being resolved not to part with it . and perhaps he had accomplish'd his ends , for what will not a covetous wretch do to preserve his pelf ? but by ill fortune this trunk parted from the rest , and falling plumb upon the head of our unlucky gentleman , who for all that wou'd not quit his hold , beat him down to the bottom of the sea , or if you please to the regions of erebus . isidora , inez , and augustinet knew him just at the very minute he sunk down with their dear trunk , the loss of which troubled them infinitely more , than any apprehensions from the revengeful don marcos . augustinet enraged at the loss of his money , and not able to master his passion , struck the seaman , who had tyed the trunks so carelessly with all his force . the tar in requital gave him a heartier blow , which threw him into the sea. as he fell over-board , he took the unfortunate isidora with him , who held her self by nothing , and thus accompanied her beloved augustinet , who against his inclination accompany'd don marcos . inez imbark'd in the vessel with the rest of the goods , which she spent in a short time at naples , and after she had for a long while exercis'd the laudable profession of a whore , she went off like a whore , that is to say , she dy'd in an hospital . novel ii. the useless precaution . a gentleman of granada , whose true name i don't think fit to discover , but will call him don pedro de castile , arragon , or toledo , or what you please , courteous reader , since after all one name costs a man no more than another : and 't is for this reason perhaps that the spaniards , not content with their own names , bestow upon themselves the most magnificent ones they can think of , and sometimes tack two or three together , that are as long as a welsh pedigree : but to quit this digression , the above-mention'd don pedro at the age of twenty found himself without father and mother , and exceeding rich ; which circumstances , when they meet in the same person , very often help to spoil him , if he is born with no great stock of brains ; but if 't is otherwise , put him in a capacity of making what figure he pleases . during the year of mourning he discreetly abstained from most of those diversions , to which young gentlemen of his age are addicted , and wholly employ'd his time in taking an exact survey of his esta●e , and settling his affairs . he was well made as to his person , had abundance of wit , and behaving himself , young as he was , with the prudence and circumspection of an old man , there was not a fortune in all granada which he might not justly pretend to , nor a father that thought so well of his daughter , but wou'd be glad with all his heart to accept him for a son-in-law . among several handsome ladie● , who at that time disputed the empire of hearts in granada , there was one that had charms enough to conquer that of don pedro. her name was seraphina , beautiful as an angel , young , rich , and of a good family ; and altho her fortune was not altogether so great as that of don pedro , yet every thing considered , there was no such mighty difference between them . he did not question but that at the first proposal of marriage he made to her parents , he should find them ready to comply with him : however , he rather chose to owe his success to his merit , and resolv●d to court her in the gallantest way , that he might make himself master of her affections , before he was of her person : his design was generous and noble , if fortune , that often delights to break the measures of the wisest politicians , had not rais●d him a rival , who had already taken possession of the town he design'd to invest , before he had so much as made his approaches . 't is to no purpose to tell you his name , but he was very near don pedro's age , perhaps he was likewise as handsome as he , but all historians are ageeed that he was much more belov'd . don pedro was soon sensible that he had a competitor to remove , but this did not much alarm him , knowing few were able to dispute estates with him . he gave consorts of music in his mistress's street , while his happy rival had the pleasure to hear them in her chamber , and perhaps was revelling in her arms , while our poor lover was cooling his heels , and making melancholy reflections below . but at last don pedro was weary of throwing away so much powder in the mines , that is to say , of making all this bustle and courtship , without advancing his affairs . however , his love did not slacken upon his ill success , but made him so impatient , that he thought fit to lay aside his first design of winning his mistress's heart before he demanded her of her friends . in short , he ask'd their consent , which they granted him upon the spot , without deliberating further on the matter , being extremely pleas'd to be ask'd that which they so earnestly desired , and indeed cou'd hardly hope for . they acquainted seraphina with the good fortune that was offer'd her , and prepar●d her to give don pedro a kind reception , and marry him in a short time . she was troubled at this news , that ought to have given her all the satisfaction in the world ; and not able to conceal her surprize from them , she dissembled the occasion of it , pretending that it griev'd her to part from persons so dear to her as they were . she manag'd this point so dexterously , that they wept out of meer tenderness , and much commended the sweetness of her temper . she conjur'd them to put off her marriage four or five months , representing to them , that she had been a long time indisposed , as her looks sufficiently discover'd , and that by her good will she wou●d not marry , till she was perfectly recovered of her illness , that so she might come more agreeable to her husband , and not give him any occasion to be disgusted with her in the beginning of his marriage ; and consequently to repent of his choice . 't is true indeed , she had look'd somewhat sickly of late , which made her friends well enough satisfy'd with her request , and they took care to acquaint don pedro with it ; who for his part was so far from taking it ill , that he lik'd her the better for giving so good a proof of her discretion . in the mean time the articles of marriage were propos'd , examin'd , and agreed on . however , don pedro did not think himself excus'd from omitting any of his usual gallantries , which every man is obliged to observe , that courts his mistress in the common forms . he entertain'd her often with letters , and did not miss a day to write to her . she return'd him such answers that were at least very civil , if they were not altogether so passionate as his own : but she wou'd receive none of his visits in the day time , excusing herself upon her indisposition , and at night appear'd very rarely at the window , which made don pedro exceedingly admire her reserv'd temper . he thought too well of his own merit to doubt the success of his courtship , and question'd not to be belov'd by his mistress , when she came to know him better , altho she had even an aversion for him , now he was a stranger to her . hitherto his affairs went well enough , but at last it so happen'd that he could not get a sight of his mistress for four or five days following . he was extremely afflicted at it , or at least pretended to be so . he compos'd several verses upon the occasion , i mean , he either hir'd or bought them , and had them sung under her window . but tho he omitted nothing that the most zealous lovers cou'd practise , yet all the favour he cou'd obtain was only to speak with her maid , who inform'd him that her lady was more indispos'd than ever . upon this his poetic faculty was strangely perplex'd , or at least the gentleman-poet whom he employ'd : for upon the strictest search i find that versifying was never his talent . he caus'd an ayre to be made upon aminta's being sick , or phyllis or chloris , no matter whether : and besides his offensive and defensive arms , taking a guitarr with him , which we must suppose to be the best in the whole city , he walk'd furiously in this equipage towards his mistress's quarter , either to make her weep out of pure compassion , or else to set all the dogs in the neighbourhood a barking , in order to compleat the consort . any one , i believe , wou'd say a hundred to one that our gentleman must do one of the two , or perhaps both ; but alas he neither did one nor the other : within fifty paces of the thrice happy mansion of his divinity , he saw the door open , and a woman go out , who had much of the air and shape of his invisible angel. he cou'd not imagin why a woman alone , and so late at night , should so resolutely turn up into a large spacious house , lately destroyed by fire . to inform himself better , he walked round the ruins , which one might enter at several places , that he might get nearer the person whom he dogged . he believed that this might be his mistress , who had made an assignation with his rival to meet her in this strange place , not daring to do it at home , and not thinking fit to communicate this business to a third person , which it so much concern'd her to keep secret ; and he resolved within himself , that in case what he now only suspected , happen'd to prove true , to kill his rival upon the spot , and to revenge himself upon seraphina , by giving her the most opprobrious language he could think of . so he crept along as softly as he could , till he came to a place , from whence he could plainly see her , for it was she , sitting upon the ground , and groaning so piteously , as if she was going to give up the ghost ; and , in short , after most severe pangs deliver'd of a small squawling creature , which we may suppose did not give her altogether so much pain in the begetting . she was no sooner safely deliver'd , but her courage giving her strength enough , she return'd the same way she came , without troubling her head what would become of the poor brat , that she had brought into the world : i will leave you to judge how great don pedro's surprize was . he now found out the true reason of his mistress's indisposition : his head almost turn'd round to think what a precipice he had escaped , and he thanked heaven most devoutly for preserving him from the danger ; but being generous in his temper , he scorn'd to revenge himself upon the faithless seraphina , by exposing the honour of her family ; neither in his just resentment wou'd he suffer the innocent babe to perish , which he saw lying at his feet , exposed to the first dog that had the luck to find it . he wrapt it up in his cloak , for want of something else , and making all the haste he cou'd , he call'd upon a discreet woman of his acquaintance , to whom he recommended the child , putting it at the same time into her hands , and gave her money to buy it all necessaries . this discreet woman finding herself nobly pay'd , acquitted herself very well in her charge : next day the infant had a nurse , was baptiz'd , and nam'd laura , for you must know she was a female . in the mean time don pedro went to a relation , in whom he mightily confided , and told her he had alter'd his design of marrying , into that of travelling . he desir'd her to manage his estate for him in his absence , and to receive into her house an infant , which he said belong'd to him , to spare nothing in her education ; and for certain reasons , which he wou'd acquaint her with at some other time , to send her to a convent as soon as she was three years old ; and above all , to take particular care that she should know as little as might be of the affairs of this world . he furnish'd her with necessary instruments to look after his estate , provided himself with money and jewels , took a faithful and trusty servant , but before his departure 〈◊〉 granada writ a letter to seraphina . she receiv'd it just at the time as she had acquainted her friends that her illness shou'd retard her marriage no longer : but don pedro's letter , which gave her to understand that he knew what had so lately befallen her , put other thoughts into her head . she devoted herself to a religious life , and soon after retir'd to a convent , with a full resolution never to stir out of it , and cou'd not be induc'd to alter her mind by all the entreaties and tears of her parents , who us'd all the arguments they cou'd think of to disswade her from this resolution ; which appear'd so much the stranger to them , as they could not divine the occasion of it . let us leave them to weep for their daughter 's turning nun , who on her part wept heartily for her sins . let us leave her little daughter laura to grow in bulk and beauty , and return to find don pedro on the road to sevil , who cou'd not drive this late adventure out of his head , and was as much disgusted at marriage , as once he was desirous to taste the pleasures of it . he is afraid of all women , and not considering that there are both good and bad of that as well as of our own sex , he concluded within himself that a wise man ought to be diffident of all women , and particularly of the witty more than the foolish ; being , it seems , of the opinion of those worthy gentlemen , who think that a woman knows more than comes to her share , if she knows a jot more than stewing prunes , preserving fruits , dressing her husband's dinner , and mending his stockings . tainted with these heretical doctrines , he arriv'd at sevil , and went directly to the house of don iuan the lord knows what , a man of wealth and quality , who was his relation and friend , and wou'd not suffer him to lodge any where else but with him . the magnificence of sevil gave him a desire to make a longer stay there than he design'd at first ; and his cousin don iuan , to make his stay agreeable to him , shew'd him all the most remarkable curiosities of the place . one day as they rode on horseback through one of the principal streets of the city , they saw in a coach , that was driving towards a stately house , a young lady in a widows habit , but so beautiful and charming , that don pedro was exceedingly surprized , and set his cousin a laughing by the many vehement exclamations and oaths he made , that he had never seen any thing so lovely in his life . this angel of a widow restored the whole female sex to his good opinion , whom the unhappy sepaphtna had render'd odious to him . he desir'd don iuan to go back through the same street , and frankly own'd to him , that he wanted little of being wounded to the heart . your business is done , replies the other , and i am very much mistaken if the little god has not shot his arrow so deep , that there is no plucking it out , but heart and all must come together . alas ! says the amorous don pedro , i will conceal nothing from you : how happy shou'd i reckon my self , if i could pass my days with so charming a lady . you must go this way then , reply'd don iuan , and travelling so fast as you do , you may in a few minutes arrive at the place , where you expect to find so much happiness . not but that such an enterprize , continu'd he , will give you difficulty enough . elvira is a woman of condition , and very rich , her beauty is such as you have beheld it , neither is her virtue inferiour to her beauty , and during the two years of her widowhood , the best matches in andalusia have not given her the least inclination to change her state ; but a man so well made as yourself , may perhaps succeed where others have failed . she is related to my wife , and sometimes i make her a visit . if you please i will propose your design to her , and i have good hopes to succeed in my negotiation , because i see her in her balcony , which is no small favour , let me tell you , in so nice and reserv'd a lady . she might have shut her lattices and windows , and so have balked our expectation . these words were no sooner out of his mouth , but our two cavaliers made each of them a reverence after the spanish mode , which gave them no little trouble before they came to an end of it . especially don pedro made his so profoundly , and with that contortion of his body , that he had like to have tumbled from his horse . the lady in the balcony returned them a handsom courtsie : upon which don pedro and his companion bow'd again . and when the bright charmer did leave the balcony , one spurr'd on his horse , t'other gap'd like a tony. alas ! my dear cousin , says don pedro to don iuan , what probability is there that a stranger will be able to gain that heart , which has defended itself against all the men of quality and merit in sevil. however , continues he , since my despair wou'd otherwise give me my deaths wound , i had as good receive it from her refusal and contempt . therefore let me conjure you to speak to her as soon as you can , and don 't so much enlarge upon my estate and quality , as upon the violence of my passion . don pedro could not talk of any thing but his love , and don iuan was sensible that he cou'd not oblige him more effectually , than by taking the first opportunity to make this overture to elvira . he accordingly did so , and not without success . the charming widow receiv'd the proposal he made for his friend so well , that she confess'd to him that she did not dislike him . but she withal acquainted him , that having oblig'd herself by a vow to stay three full years , from the death of her first husband till she took a second , nothing in the world should prevail with her to break it . she added , that because she had resolved to pay this respect to the memory of her late spouse , she had hitherto refus'd all the offers that had been made her ; but that if don pedro had courage and constancy enough to serve her a whole year , in which time they might know one anothers temper much better , she gave him her word to chuse no other husband but him . don iuan came to give don pedro an account of his nego●iation , and made him the most satisfy'd , and most passionate of all men living . he was not in the least deterr'd by the long time he was to stay , and resolv'd to employ it in all the refin'd gallantry of a nice lover . he bought him a coach and horses , made his house and his liveries as sumptuous as might be , set all the embroiderers and taylors of sevil at work , and the musicians into the bargain . he offer'd to regale elvira , but she wou●d not suffer it . her servants were nothing near so difficult , and accepted his presents as heartily as he gave them . in a short time he was more master of elvira's domestics than elvira herself , whom her damosels persuaded to appear in the balcony , even when she had no mind to it , as often as don pedro exerted his lungs in the street , for i have been told he sung to admiration . don pedro had now spent six tedious months in courting elvira , without being able to obtain a private conversation with her all this while , which daily increased his esteem and love for her . at last , by dint of prayers and presents , a damosel bolder than the rest , or rather more covetous , promis'd to introduce him one night into her mistress's apartment , and place him in a corner , where he might see her undress herself before she went to bed , take two or three turns in her chamber in her shift to cool herself , and sing and play upon her lute , which she did to a miracle . don pedro gave this trusty maid a better reward than he promis'd her , and when night came , our granada-adventurer , following the maid's instruction , slipt into elvira's house , stole up to her apartment , and there from a gallery , which was over against the chamber-door , he saw her lying upon a couch reading a book of devotion , whether with much attention is more than i am able to tell you , all the while her maids undrest her . she had only a light gown on , and was ready to go to bed , when don pedro's pensionary damosel , who design'd to give him as much reason to be satisfy'd with her , as she was with him , entreated her mistress to sing . her companions joyn'd in the same petition , but elvira deny●d them a good while , telling them she was very melancholy , nay , and assuring them that she had occasion to be so . but the damosel , whom don pedro's presents had gain'd , putting a lute into her mistress●s hand , elvira was so complaisant as to sing , which she did in so charming and graceful a manner , that don pedro was within an ace of throwing himself at her heavenly feet , and there acting the ravish●d lover . the song was soon over , and then she went to bed . the maids retir'd to their own apartments , and don pedro , who made the best of his way to the street , was strangely surpriz'd to find the great gate lock'd . he had nothing left him to do but to stay there till day , which wou'd soon appear . he sat upon the side of a well , which was in a corner of the court , being strangely perplex'd lest he shou'd be discover'd , and incur his mistress's displeasure for so bold an attempt . he had not been here long , but he made a thousand attempts , and wish'd as often to no purpose that he was safe in the street , when he heard a door open in elvira's apartment . he immediately turn'd his head towards the place whence the noise came , and was strangely surpriz'd to see the beautiful widow come into the court , whom he thought to be fast asleep . by the light of a wax-taper , which she carry'd in a little silver candlestick , he saw that her night-dress was nicely adjusted , her breasts open and unguarded , a fine necklace of pearl about her neck , and that over her smock , which had more lace than linnen about it , she wore nothing but a rich simarre . she carry'd in her hand a great viol full of jelly , comfits , and conserves ; and in this surprizing equipage she apper'd so charming , that don pedro had like to have preferr'd the pleasure of discovering himself to her , to all the ill effects which so bold a presumption might have drawn upon him . but he was wise in his love , and hid himself behind the well , tho he kept his eyes upon his mistress all the while , flattering himself sometimes that it was he she came to look for . she walk'd directly towards the stable , don pedro follow'd her at some distance , and saw her go into a little room . at first he was of opinion that his pious and charitable mistress went to visit one of her domesticks that was sick , ' tho without doing any wrong to her charity , she might have left that affair to any of her women . he crept behind a horse , that stood not far from the chamber-door , and from thence observing his dear widow , he saw her put the candlestick and glass-viol , and in short all she carry'd in her ivory hands upon a little table ; and in a sorry bed , which in a manner took up all the room , ●he beheld a sick negro , who seem'd to be about thirty years old , but so deform'd and ghastly , that he was frighted at the sight of him . his face was as meagre as that of a skeleton , and the poor fellow had much difficulty to fetch his breath . don pedro admir'd the unparallell'd goodness of the beautiful elvira , who took off all the negro's blankets , and having made his bed , sate down by the sick wretch , and put her hand upon his forehead , that was all over in a cold sweat . the negro cast a dismal look upon the charitable angel , that came to comfort him , and seem'd to pity him with her eyes full of tears . don pedro cou'd not tell what to think of so unexampled a strain of charity , and after he had first admir'd it , he began to alter his opinion , and concluded it was carry'd too far . but as yet he had seen nothing . the charming widow first broke the silence , and weeping at such a rate as if it were to be her last , she ask'd the black how he found himself ? my dear antonio , says she to him , in a voice interrupted with frequent sobs , art thou then resolv'd to die , and wilt thou make me die too for company ? thou dost not speak to me , my life , my jewel . take courage , if thou wou'dst have me live , and eat a little of this jelly for my sake : thou wilt not so much as afford me one kind look , cruel creature ; me , i say , that love thee , me that adore thee : kiss me , my dear angel , kiss me , and get well , if thou wou'dst not have me to attend thee in thy death , after i have so passionately lov'd thee in thy life . as she spoke these tender words , she joyn'd her angel's face to the diabolical visage of the moor , which she moisten'd with her tears . i fancy that any man that had seen so odd a sight , wou'd have thought he had seen an angel caress a devil . as for don pedro , he began to think the beautiful elvira as ugly as her negro ; who , at last casting his eyes upon his importunate lover , whom he did scarce vouchsafe to look upon before , and with his lean bony hand turning away her face from his , he thus spoke to her in a low feeble tone : what wou'd you have me do , madam ? will you not let me die in quiet ? is it not enough that you have brought me to the condition i am in , but must you force me , now i am just dying , to throw away the little snuff of life that is left me , to satisfie your libidinous appetite . take a husband , and expect no more drudgery from me : i will see you no more , nor eat any thing you have brought me , but am resolv'd to die , since i am good for nothing else . when he had said this , he sunk down in his bed , and the unfortunate elvira cou'd not draw the least word from him , in answer to all the tender things she spoke , whether he was already dead , or refus'd to speak to one , whom he believ'd the cause of his death . elvira wept like a church-spout when it rains , and afflicted at the sad condition wherein she left her beloved negro , but much more at his unkindness , took back with her every thing she had brought , and walk'd towards her chamber , but with so sorrowful and sad an air , that it was her great misfortune that her future cuckold did not see her in that pickle . in the mean time don pedro hid himself in the obscurest part of the stable , so confounded that he was not half a quarter so much , when she was witness to seraphina's happy delivery . he saw this monstrous hypocrite go back the same way she came , afflicting herself like any widow at the funeral of her dear husband ; and some time after he heard the great gate open , and got into the street , not at all caring whether he was seen or no , since he thought it not worth while to have any regard for such a woman's reputation as elvira . however , he treated her like a gentleman of honour , and did not discover what he had seen to his friend . the next day he happen●d to pass by elvira's gate at the very instant the moor was carry'd out to be bury'd : her women told him that their mistress was sick ; and for four or five days following , as he pass'd to and fro before her windows , she was not to be seen there according to her custom , so inconsolable had the death of her lovely african made her . don pedro was mighty desirous to know how she fared . one day as he was discoursing with don iuan , one of elvira's slaves deliver'd him a letter from his mistress . he open'd it with impatience , and read what follows . letter . two persons , who are minded to marry , don't need a third to put them in mind of it . you wou'd perswade me that you don't dislike me , and i must own , that you please me well enough to grant you this moment , what i did not promise you till the year was ended . you may make your self , as soon as you please , master of my person and estate ; and i request you to believe , that altho i cannot deliberately embark in such an affair as this , yet your merit and my love will render it easie to me , and make me break through all difficulties whatsoever . elvira . don pedro read over this letter twice or thrice , and cou'd hardly believe he was awake . he bethought himself that this was the second time he had run the danger of being marry'd as ill as any man in spain , and thank'd heaven with all his heart that deliver'd him from two such imminent misfortunes , by discovering to him two secrets of so great importance . as the negro●s death had put elvira upon this sudden resolution to be marry'd , don pedro as suddenly resolv'd to get out of her sight as soon as he cou'd . he told don iuan that it nearly concern●d his life and honour to leave sevil within an hour , and that he wou'd only take one servant with him , that he had brought from granada ; he desir'd him to sell his coach and horses , and to pay his servants with the money , and conjur'd him not to ask the reason of so sudden an alteration , and a journey so hurry'd , promising to write to him the very first town he stopt at . he writ to elvira , while they went to hire two mules for him ; he gave his letter to the slave , and when the mules came , took the road to madrid ; being confirm'd more than ever in his first opinion , and resolving to stand upon his guard against all witty women , nay , even to detest them . while he jogg'd gently on , full of these vertuous resolutions , elvira open'd his letter , and read the following lines . letter . as violently in love as i am with you , yet i always prefer the care of preserving your honour to the pleasure of possessing you . thus you cou'd not but observe with what discretion i always manag●d my gallantry . i am somewhat scrupulous in my own nature , and therefore cannot in conscience ask you to marry me so soon , since you are a widow of but a day's standing . you owe more than that comes to , madam , to the memory of the poor negro defunct , and you cannot take less than a year to lament the loss of a person , who did you so considerable services . in the mean while you and i shall have time enough to consider what we have to do . don pedro. elvira had like to have run distracted when she read this letter , and it touch'd her more to the quick than even the ●oss of her guinea lover : but considering that don pedro had left sevil , and another gallant , that had all the qualifi●ations to please her , offering at the same time to marry her , she took him to supply the negro's room . not but that she cou'd have found negroes enough to have done her business , ●ut some body had told her , that there was a difference in negroes , as well as other folks , and that every thing is not ●herefore the devil because it is black . in the mean time don pedro and his trusty mule got to madrid , and ●he went ●mmediately to an unkle's house , who receiv'd him very courteously . this unkle of his was a rich cavalier , that had an only son , that was betrothed to a young cousin that was an only daughter likewise , and who being but ten years ●ld , past her time in a convent , till she came to be of age to marry him . his name was don rodrigo , and he possessed ●ll the good qualities that can make a man amiable . don pedro enter'd into a stricter league of friendship with him , ●han men usually do with a relation , tho they love him ●ever so well ; for they are not always our relations whom 〈◊〉 love best . don rodrigo seem'd to be disturb'd in his ●ind , and don pedro perceiving it , related all his adventures to him , that he might oblige him by this confidence to communicate his to him , and if he had any occasion for his service , to let him see , that he was much more his friend than his relation . after this , he told him , that he had observ'd that somewhat sat uneasy upon him , and therefore he begg'd him to let him know what it was ; otherwise he must believe that his friendship was not so hearty as his . don rodrigo desir'd nothing more , hoping to receive some relief in his inquietude , when he had once communicated it . he therefore acquaints don pedro that he was passionately in love with a damosel of madrid , who was promis'd to a kinsman , whom she expected every hour from the indies , but had never seen , just as he was engag'd to a cousin , and waited till she was of age , of whom he had but little knowledge . this conformity of adventures , said he to don pedro , has very much contributed to encrease the affection we have for one another , altho at the same time it keeps us both in our duty , whenever our passion advises us to prefer our satisfaction to those engagements , wherein the interests of our families have link'd us . hitherto my love has made as fair a progress with her as i cou'd wish , tho i have not as yet been able to compass my desires , which she puts off till her husband's arrival , when her marriage may secure both of us from any ill consequences that may follow upon an assignation , when we may probably do something else than discourse and talk . i will say nothing to you of the beauty of virginia , since 't is impossible to say too much of it , and because i shou'd be apt to say so much of it that you wou'd not believe me . however , this i am certain of , that whe● you have seen her , and her cousin violanta who lives with her , you will readily own , that all spain cannot show any thing more beautiful than this incomparable pair ; and whe● you have convers'd a few moments with them , i will leave you to tell me , whether you ever saw wittier women in your life . 't is this that makes me pity you , says don pedro to him . and why so , reply'd don rodrigo ? because a woman of wit cries he , will most infallibly jilt you either sooner o● later . you cannot but know , continues he , by the recital ● have made you of my own adventures , what has happen'd to my self , and i seriously protest to you , that if i cou'● hope to find a woman as foolish as i know some of 'em are witty , i wou'd employ all arts to gain her , and prefer he● even to wisdom itself , if she wou'd choose me for her gallant . you are much in the wrong , replies don rodrigo , 〈◊〉 i never met a man of tolerable sense in my life , but 〈◊〉 soon weary of a woman's company if she was a fool. indeed 't is not reasonable , that whilst our eyes , our hands , and in short all our body finds something to divert it , our soul , which is the noblest part of the composition , shou'd be forc'd to endure a tiresome insipid conversation , as that of all persons must certainly be , that have no wit to support it . let us not carry this dispute as far as it will go , cries don pedro to him , for a man may say too many things upon so copious a subject . only let me see this miracle of a woman , and her cousin as soon as you can , that if i don't dislike her , i may have something to amuse my self with during my stay in madrid . i don't believe you 'll find your account in it , cries rodrigo . and why so ? replies don pedro. because , says the other , she is the only woman in the world who is least a fool. i will however suit my self to the time , says don pedro. to tell you the truth , answers don rodrigo , i don't know in what manner madam virginia will receive us . for these eight days last past she has us'd me most unmercifully ; she has sent me back all my letters without so much as opening them , and in short has given me to understand that she will never admit a visit from me , because she saw me some time ago talking with a young lady at church , in whose company she had seen me the same day at the play-house ; and this is the reason why i have been of late so melancholy . it signifies nothing , says don pedro , let us go and see them , and take my word for 't , you 'll sooner reconcile matters , by justifying your self to her face , than by writing her a cart-load of whining letters . thus our two gentlemen-cousins went to visit the two lady-cousins , and the beautiful virginia gave don rodrigo leave to clear himself , which was easily done . don pedro thought both of them to be the handsomest women he had ever seen , not excepting either the imprudent seraphina , or the hypocritical elvira . violanta , who had drest herself that day in her finest cloaths , because she was to sit for her picture , charm'd don pedro so effectually , that he immediately broke the vow he had made , never to love any one but a fool. on his side he did not displease violanta , and said so many pretty engaging things to her upon the occasion of her picture , that she was no less satisfied with his wit than his gallantry ; and here i am obliged to make a short digression , and acquaint those that knew it not before , that your mi●hty retailers of compliments and fine expressions , generally deal in whipt cream , and are justly accused of bombast by men of wit and sense . if this small advice had been consider'd by the public , they would have found it no less useful than a receit against flies in the summer , and stinking breaths all the year round . don pedro , who had solemnly swore by his maker , that he would marry none but a fool , was now fully convinc'd , that oaths made by gamesters and lovers , signify just nothing . he was so ravish'd with violanta's wit , no less than her beauty , that finding he could obtain no other favours from her , but such as she might grant without any prejudice to her honour , he resolv'd to marry her , if she did not forbid the banes. he frequently gave her an occasion to explain her mind upon this article , but either she did not , or wou'd not understand him , whether it was because she lov'd her liberty , or had an aversion to matrimony . thus all things went smoothly on between these four young lovers , and they only waited for the critical minute . one day that they had spruced themselves up like castor and pollux , and made no question to be masters at least of all the out-works they attack'd , a servant maid , whose appearance boded worse luck than that of an owl , came to acquaint the two cousins , that the indian husband of the fair castilian was arriv'd at madrid , without sending her any advice of his coming from sevil , where he landed : that the two cousins concluded from thence that he had a mind to surprize them , and therefore desir'd our lovers to fortifie themselves with patience , till such time as virginia had found out the humour of her indian spark ; and that they wou'd not only forbear to visit them , but even to walk before their windows , till they receiv'd new orders . so all their tricking and powdering of themselves that morning was thrown away , and the next two days they had no more mind to dress , than a criminal condemn'd to be hang'd . they learnt , among the other news of the town , that the indian and virginia were marry'd in private , that he was very jealous in his own temper , that he was a man of experience , having seen forty years ; in fine , that he had so order'd his family , and kept so strict a watch over all virginia's actions , that her gallants , if she had any , must never expect to see her so much as at her window . the new orders , which had been promis'd them , did not come , and they were impatient with expecting them . they daily walk'd through the street , where their ●●●●●esse● liv●d , and took their usual turns before the house , 〈…〉 hou● seeing any but unknown faces go in or out , and w 〈…〉 t being , able to meet with the least servant or maid of 〈…〉 acquaintance . they saw the husband go into his h 〈…〉 day , accompany'd by his brother , who was hand 〈…〉 well made , and so young , that he was still at the colledge . this increas'd their ill humour : they went out early in the morning , and came not home till it was very late , and lost both their time and their labour . at last , upon a certain holyday , they saw violanta's maid going to mass by break of day ; they stopt her at the church-porch , and by the never-failing rhetoric of money , don rodrigo perswaded her to carry the following 〈◊〉 to her 〈◊〉 . your forgetting me does not more disoblige me , than my jealousy torments me , since it is without remedy , now you are under the government of a husband . however , you are not totally freed as yet from my importunities , altho you have discarded me from your remembrance . the last favour i have to beg of you , is , to inform me whether i have any reason still to hope , or whether i must prepare to dye . they follow'd violanta's maid at a distance . she deliver'd the letter according to her promise , and making a sign to them to draw near , she dropt the following answer from the window into the street . a jealous man so newly marry'd is never out of his wive's company , and watches all her motions . he talks of taking a journey to valladolid shortly without me ; i will then justify myself , and pay my debts . this billet , which they kist a hundred times , by the same token that they strove which shou'd out-do the other , gave them fresh encouragement , and made them easie enough for a few days . but at last , hearing no news from their cruel mistresses , they began after their old laudable custom to walk to and fro a hundred times a day before their windows ; they pass'd whole nights in the street , but cou'd not see a soul stir out of the house , no more than if it had not been inhabited . one day , as these despairing lovers happen'd to be at church , they had the good luck to see our young bride come towards them . don rodrigo kneel'd down by her , under the nose of an old gentleman usher that had squir'd her to church . he made his complaints to her in a few words , she excus'd herself in like manner , and at last told don rodrigo that her husband was not to go to valladolid , altho he daily talk'd of it ; that she was ●mpatient to have a private conversation with him , and that she only knew one way of bringing it about , which wholly depended upon don pedro. my husband , says she , sleeps as sound as if he took opium every night , and we have not exchang'd a word with one another these four or five days , by reason of a small quarrel between us , which is not yet made up . i had prevail'd with my cousin violanta to take my place , but she 's unhappily sick , and since none are privy to our love but she and don pedro , and i wou'd not for all the world have it communicated to more , you● must e●en get him , ( if you think he loves you well enough to venture it , ) to supply her room , and go to bed to my husband . this attempt seems to be somewhat dangerous at first sight ; but if you consider that my good man and i are at odds , as i have already told you , and that he does not easily wake , i don't question bu● it will succeed to our expectation , and this is all i can do for you . this happy love-stratagem , which don rodrigo so earnestly desir'd to know , cool'd him in a minute when he heard it . he not only doubted whether his cousin wou'd take upon him to act this dangerous part , but he likewise doubted whether he ought so much as propose it to him . his mistress continu'd inflexible in her resolution , and as she took her leave of him she protested to him , that in case the proposal she had made him was not well received , and executed in the manner she directed him , he had nothing more to hope from her , nay , that she gave him full leave to banish her out of his remembrance , altho at another time she wou'd as soon consent to her own death . neither the time nor place wou'd permit don rodrigo to talk any longer with his mistress . she went home , and don rodrigo repair'd to his companion , who cou'd not get a word out of him , so much confounded he was at the unhappy dilemma wherein he found himself , either to make so unreasonable a request to his friend , or to live without enjoying that happiness , which is always more esteem'd before possession than after it . at last , shutting themselves up in their chamber , don rodrigo , after he had for a whi●e refus'd to declare his grievance , open'd the above-mention'd proposal to don pedro , gilding the pill as well as he bou'd , to make it go down the better with him . at first don pedro thought that he had a mind to banter him , but his cousin protesting the contrary in a very serious air , and confirming it by so many oaths , that he cou'd no longer doubt of it , he must needs turn the thing into raillery , and told him he was exceedingly oblig'd to his mistress , for designing him such good fortune with so lovely a bed-fellow , and that it was undoubtedly the effect of violanta's gratitude , who , not being in a condition to reward his services , because she was sick , and being prest to pay her debts , turn'd it over to her cousin's husband , with whom he shou'd certainly pass the night very agreeably . he talk'd much to the same purpose , and jested a long while , sometimes well , and sometimes but indifferently . but don rodrigo was not in a humour to be merry , and he appear'd so dejected and melancholy to his cousin , that he heartily pity'd him , and was afraid that his despair wou'd carry him to some dangerous resolutions . don pedro was bold in his temper , a great lover of intrigues , and no man so ready as he to engage in any extravagant adventure : he lov'd don rodrigo tenderly , so that all this joyn'd together made him resolve to supply the room of the beautiful virginia , whatever her jealous husband might do to him being therefore fully determin'd upon the matter , he embrac'd his cousin , and put fresh life into him , when he assur'd him that he wou'd hazard all that he might enjoy his beloved mistress . you will not , added he , be so much oblig'd to me as you think : i consider it as an honourable action , wherein i pretend to get as much reputation , as if i shou●d signalize my self at a breach . word was sent to virginia that her proposal was accepted ; she appointed that very evening to put it in execution : the two cousins went to her house , and were introduc'd with as little noise as was possible . don pedro was oblig'd by the fair lady of the enchanted castle to undress himself before her , being resolv'd that her orders shou'd not be transgress'd in the least . don pedro having nothing on now but his shirt , was conducted by her with all the care and circumspection imaginable to the fatal room , and opening the curtains , the softly put the bold don pedro between the sheets , who perhaps at that very moment repented for having gone so far , and one may swear did not throw himself into the middle of the bed. she went away , lock'd the chamber door , which put don pedro into cruel apprehensions , and repaired to don rodrigo , to whom i suppose she paid , like a woman of honour , all that she ow'd him , or at least as much as he demanded of her . in the mean time don pedro was in different circumstances from those of his cousin , who threw himself into the arms of his charming mistress , while our too charitable and adventurous friend , fear'd nothing so much as the embraces of a detestable man , whom to his great sorrow he was like to find a very uncomfortable bed-fellow . he then began to consider , but it was somewhat of the latest , to what hazards his foolish rashness had carried him . he blamed himself , he called himself fool a thousand times in his thoughts , and was sensible that to transgress thus against any husband , was an unpardonable crime , tho even he himself were to be judge . these melancholy reflexions were disturbed , and his just fears increased , by a great villainous arm which his companion in bed threw over him , drawing nearer 〈◊〉 nearer to him still , and pronouncing some inarticulate words , as people do when they are asleep , and making as if he was going to embrace his wife . don pedro was torribly 〈◊〉 , and removed this arm , that lay heavier on hi● tha● the greatest burden , as gently as he could , for fear of awaking him , and when he had done this , with all the● recaution o● one in that danger , he crept to the bed-side , with 〈◊〉 his body out of the bed , so that he had like to have 〈◊〉 up●n the floor , cursing his stars and his own folly , for exposing himself to such dangers , to serve the passion of two indiscreet lovers . he had scarce begun to breathe a little , when his troublesome bed-fellow laid his leg over his , and this last action , as well as the former , had like to have made him dye with fear . in short , the one still drawing nearer , and the other getting off as far as he cou'd , the day appear'd just at the time when the unfortunate don pedro was no longer able to keep his ground against a man , who still drove him farther . he arose as softly as might be , and went to open the door , which he found lock'd , a greater misfortune than any had yet befallen him . as he was endeavouring in vain to open it , it flew open all on the sudden , and had like to have broke his nose . virginia came boldly into the chamber , and ask'd him aloud , whither he was going in such haste ? don pedro conjur'd her in a low voice not to make such a noise , and ask'd her whether she had not lost her sences , to venture the waking of her husband thus , and desir'd her to let him go . how , go ! says the lady aloud to him , i am resolv'd my husband shall see whom he has lain with to night , that he may know what his jealous●e has brought him to , and what i am capable of doing . when she had said this , as bold as a lyoness , she took don pedro by the arm , who was so confounded , that he had not strength enough to get loose from her , open'd the window-shutters , without quitting her hold , and pulling him to the bed-side , drew the curtains , and cry'd out aloud , see , jeal●us master of mine , see whom you have lain with to night . don pedro turn●d his eyes towards the terrible bed , and instead of an ugly fellow with a beard , he beheld his charming violanta , who had lain by his side all night , and not the jealous husband of virginia , who had gone into the country about eight days before . the two pretty cousins pelted him with their raillery ; never did man of wit make so lame ● defence , or say so little for himself . violanta , who was naturally gay , and rally'd with a grace , had like to have made her cousin dye with laughing , when she pleasantly exaggerated to her what bodily fears she put poor don pedro in , as often as she made as if she were awake , and drew nearer to him . it was a long time before don pedro cou●d recover out of this confusion , and set his countenance in order . at last virginia took compassion of him , and left him alone with her cousin , with whom we may suppose he had affairs of great importance to settle , because he was shut up with her till noon . from this happy hour , all the while the husband stay'd in the country , the two gentlemen-cousins and the two gentlewomen-cousins met frequently together , and made the best use of their time . when the husband came to town again , rodrigo was the less happy of the two , for don pedro , by the charitable assistance of the servants , whom his presents had brought over to his side , made a shift for two or three months to pass most of the nights with violanta , who was mistress of her own actions , and ever since the marriage of her cousin lodg●d in a separate building , which had a door into another street . he became so passionately in love with her , that he earnestly desir'd to marry her ; but whenever he made any such proposal to her she turn'd off the discourse so dexterously , that he cou'd not positively tell whether she did it out of design , or because she did not listen to him . in short , as there is nothing permanent in this transitory world , violanta began to slacken in her passion , and grew cold by little and little , so that don pedro cou'd not forbear to complain of it , and not knowing how to account for this alteration otherwise , accus●d her of infidelity , and reproach'd her with having some other gallant more happy than himself . instead of mending matters by this procedure he utterly ruin'd them , and made himself so insupportable to violanta , that she not only refus'd to see him a nights , but likewise to admit his visits in the day time . this treatment did not in the least discourage him ; he gain'd by vertue of his money one of her maids , who was so treacherous as to inform him , that her mistress was passionately in love with her cousin's brother-in-law , who had just left the colledge ; that he was a very handsome youth , and no less in love with violanta , than violanta was with him . to compleat her perfidious treachery , this ill-condition'd devil advis'd him to pretend himself sick , to acquaint her mistress with his illness , and complain of her for being the cause of it , which was likely enough ; and in short to f●ign it so well , that her mistress that had no aversion to pleasure . she inform'd herself particularly of the gallantry of naples , desir'd to know whether the women there were allow'd any ●iberty , and whether the italian gallants carry'd on their amours as bravely as those of spain . at last don pedro confirm'd himself by the questions she put to him , that if she did not go to the bottom of an intrigue , 't was not for want of good will. she made him dine with her , to the mutual satisfaction of both . our granada adventurer wou'd have taken his leave of her after dinner , but she wou'd not suffer it , and told him , that since the duke her husband wou●d not come home that day , she desir'd him to be her guest ; adding obligingly , that pers●ns of merit were very rare in catalonia ; and therefore when she had the happiness to meet them , no wonder she coveted to enjoy their conversation as long as she cou'd . she led him into a large closet , very cool and refreshing , adorn'd with fine pictures , china , and other rich furniture . it wanted not , since we are oblig'd to be particular , a noble alcove , embroider'd cushions , and a convenient couch , with a rich sattin quilt thrown over it . here our traveller recounted to her all his adventures ●at granada , sevil , and madrid , together with those of italy , which are not as yet arriv'd to my knowledge . the dutchess listned very attentively to them ; at last he told her that he was resolv'd to marry , if he cou'd find a woman fool enough , from whom he should have no reason to apprehend any of those ill offices , which witty women are able to do their husbands . i have an estate , continues he , that is far from being contemptible , and tho the woman i marry does not bring me a farthing , provided she has been well educated , and is not deform'd , i shall make no scruple to choose her ; altho , to deal ingenuously with you , i wou'd much sooner choose a woman that is deform'd , provided she is fool enough , than one that is handsome , and is not so . you are certainly wrong in your notious , replies the dutchess ; but what do you mean by being well educated ? i mean a woman of vertue , answered our traveller ; and how is it possible for a fool , to be a woman of vertue , cries the dutchess , if she neither knows what vertue is , nor is capable of being taught it ? besides how can a fool love you , that has not sense enough to know your merit ? she will trespass against her duty , without knowing what she does , whereas a woman of wit , altho she shou'd dist●ust her honour , will know how to avoid those occasion● where she may run any danger of losing it . they argued along while pro and con upon this subject ; our don maintaining that all the knowledge required in a woman was to love her husband , to be faithful to him , and carefully look after her family affairs and children ; and the dutchess endeavouring to convince him that a fool was not capable of doing it , nay , that tho she was beautiful , she wou'd certainly disgust him at last . they gave one another several proofs of their wit , and the good opinion they had of one another soon improved into esteem , nay , and something better than that . our spaniard did not only differ from the duke in age , wit , and person , but was one of the handsomest best-shaped men in the world , and if he appeared as such to the dutchess , he thought her the loveliest woman he had ever beheld . he was as bold as a lyon , and never found himself alone with a woman , but he presented his service to her . if she accepted it , he did his best to acquit himself , and if she took snuff at it , he wou'd fall you down upon his marrow-bones , and calling himself the horridst sinner in the world , ask pardon so ingeniously , and with so much hypocrisy , that the lady must needs pardon his transgression , or perhaps by way of atonement make him trangress again . i cou'd never have imagined , says he to the charming dutchess , that any one was able to make me throw up an opinion , the truth of which so many experiments have confirmed to me , but it was never yet opposed by so extraordinary a person as your self , whose soul , without being beholden to her beauty , which however is not to be matched in the universe , may acquire her as large an empire as she pleases , over all those that have wit enough to discover , that she has a greater share of it than all her sex put together . you have cured me of an errour , added he , but you leave me troubled with an illness , which is so much the more dangerous and hard to cure , as i am pleased to have it , and by suffering it gratify the noblest ambition that a mortal is capable of . i cannot positively tell you , how many other hyperboles he shot against the dutches●es virtue , and whether he did not speak abundance of pathetical impertinences , for upon such occasions as this , a man is most terribly given to be impertinent . neither do i know in what manner the dutchess received a declaration of love , which her gallant delivered in due form , i mean whether she seemed to like it by an answer suitable to the occasion , or whether by answering nothing , she made good the old proverb , silence gives consent . but this is certain , that a maid of hers , who died of the kings evil in france , often owned before several credible gentlemen , that the closet door was shut for some two hours upon them , that they were together till supper time , and altho this maid , whom i suppose to have been an andalusian , had never told me this , yet i know full well , that opportunity makes a thief . the night came , that favourable goddess to stolen love , but neither was don pedro , nor the dutchess the better for it , for partly out of good manners , and partly not to give the servants an occasion to guess , who generally guess beyond the truth , to which they have a natural antipathy , they called for candles , which were almost eclipsed by the brighter eyes heaven had bestowed upon the dutchess , and which at that moment twinkled prettier than any pair of stars in the firmament . the vermillion of her cheeks was double to what it used to be , which made her appear brighter than the sun on a fine summers day to don pedro , whose visage too was a little inclined to scarlet . thus they merrily past away the time in exchanging glances with one another , when a servant came to acquaint the dutchess , that his grace her husband was below in the court. all that she cou'd do in this surprize , was to shut up the thrice astonished don pedro in a large gilt cup-board , where she kept her perfumed waters , and putting the key in her pocket , to throw herself upon the bed. the duke , who was at least threescore years old came into his wive's closet , and found her as gay and fresh as a rose upon the stalk . he told her , that he had received a letter from the king , which obliged him to return sooner than he thought . he was very hungry , and ordered the servants to bring whatever they had ready in the house , into the same closet , and the dutchess , who had no great stomach to eat , while her traveller , perhaps wished himself ten foot under ground , took a chair near the table . she was exceeding chearful and brisk , and of a gayety , that bestowed new youth upon her old husband , so much did it revive his spirits . it was a customary thing for her to lay extravagant wagers with him , but especially when she wanted money , which her good man took a pleasure to loose to her , being perfectly charmed with so agreeable a wife . he never fancied her more beautiful than then ; she told him a hundred merry stories , by the same token , that our duke had like to have choaked himself with laughing at 'em , for eating heartily and laughing heartily at the same time , a bit of meat happened to go down the wrong way , but heaven be praised , it did him no harm . at last the dutchess , who was of a humour to turn every thing into merriment , had a mind to divert herself at the expence of her gallant in the sweating-tub : says she to the duke , methinks it is a long while since we laid a wager last , now i would fain lay a hundred pistoles , that i have occasion for , upon the first subject , that offers itself . the duke told her he was ready , and that he wou'd leave it to her , to propose any subject . the dutchess proposed several to him , which she knew he wou'd not accept , and at last asked him , whether he wou'd lay a wager , that he cou'd reckon up all the things in a family that are made of iron . the duke took her at her word , tho he thought it a very foolish thing to lay a wager on , and calling for paper and ink , so soon as the cloath was remov'd , and his chaplain had said grace , ( for the duke you must know kept a good decorum in his family ) he writ down the names of all the iron utensils he cou'd think of , but it fell out luckily for the dutchess , that he forgot to mention a key . she got him to read over what he had written two or three times , and when he had done so , ask'd him if he was satisfy'd with it , and whether he had any thing to add ? she then folded the paper , telling him she wou'd examine it at her leisure , and that she wou'd relate to him one of the prettiest adventures he had ever heard . a little after you were gone out upon your sport , i was , continues she , looking out of one of our windows that faces the high road , when i saw a man of an extraordinary mien mounted on a mule , who prickd and spurr'd his beast to make all the haste he cou'd . i had the curiosity to know whither he was going in so much haste , and dispatch'd one of my pages to tell him i wou'd speak with him . to be plain with you , i never in all my life saw a man better made , or more likely to make even a woman of vertue dispence with a conjugal vow . i ask'd him whence he came , and who he was ? he answer'd me so genteely , and with so much wit , that i was desirous to have more of his conversation . so i engaged him to stay with me the remainder of the day , and to acquaint me with all his adventures , which must certainly be very curious and entertaining , as i imagin'd . he perform'd it to my expectation , and i must frankly own to you , that i was never better diverted with any history in my life , and i am resolv'd , says she , to divert your grace with it likewise . then she recounted to the duke all that had happen'd to don pedro at granada , sevil , and madrid , and her good man , who was as merry a wight , as 't is possible for a duke to be , fell a laughing , as if he wou'd have burst his hoops , which made the dutchess and some of his chief servants , whom he allow'd to be familiar with him , joyn in this merry consort after this she acquainted him , with all that had befallen our granada-gentleman in italy , which was very pleasant as i have been told , for i cou'd never inform my self what the particulars were . all i know is , that the duke laugh'd as heartily at them , and that don pedro himself could not forbear laughing in the chest. in short , after she had very well diverted herself by making her husband laugh , and all the company , and don pedro into the bargain , who till now had had his share in the mirth , she told her husband that our traveller , after he had recounted all his adventures to her , was so hardy as to make love to her , and did it with so much address , that she could not find in her heart to be angry with him for carrying his gallantry so far , who could not but perceive that he was by no means displeasing to her . but why should i multiply words in vain , continued the dutchess , a gentleman so well made as he is may attempt any thing without danger . we passed the greatest part of the day together , to our mutual satisfaction , and we had done so still , but that you came home when i little expected you . not to mince matters , your return both afflicted and surpriz'd me . my lovely stranger seem'd to be in a greater consternation than my self , so i hastily shut him up in my chest of perfum'd waters , from whence he must needs hear me , if he is not already dead with fear . but knowing what an ascendant i have over you , and being in my own temper uncapable of dissembling even those very things , where my too great freedom may do me harm , i was resolved to divert you at the expence of this poor gentleman , whom i will draw out of his hole , so soon as you are gone to your own apartment , and leave him to pursue his journey to granada , where he is going , as he tells us , to find out a woman , who is fool enough it seems to deserve to be his wife . the dutchess gave such an air of probability to this true story , that the duke quitted his good humour , and turn'd serious all on the sudden . he look'd pale , he was afraid that what his wife had told him was true , and could not forbear asking for the key● of the chest , wherein , as she pretended , the stranger was shut up . she changed the discourse , and by that means encreased his suspicion and his fears . he asked her once more for the keys of the chest , which she refused him . he was resolved to have them , and arose from his seat in a passion . very well , sir , very well , said the dutchess to him , before you ask me for the keys in such haste , pray be pleased cooly and calmly to read over your catalogue ; you have forgot to set down keys in it , you cannot deny but that they are made of iron , and that you owe me a hundred pistoles upon the wager . pray give 'em me now , as you are obliged in honour , and take notice that if i have told you a merry story , 't was only to put you in mind of what you had lost , and at the same time to divert you , that you might part the freer with your money . the next time i wou'd have you to be more wise , than to take an invented story for a true one . 't was not probable that so many extraordinary adventures should befall one single man , and much less so , that i would have told you such a story if it had been true . he laugh'd as if he had been distracted , he admir'd the prodigious wit of his wife , and commended it before his servants , who were perhaps as arrant fools as himself . see now , cries he as loud as he was able , and laughed at the same time , see now by what a cunning fetch the gypsie has told me that i have lost . the dutchess had lik'd to have kill'd her self with laughing , her woman seconded her , and don pedro was half dead with stifling his laughter in the chest. at last , the duke , after he had order'd the steward to pay his wife a hundred pistoles , leaves her to go to his own apartment , often saying to himself that she was a true devil , and sometimes that she had the wit of a devil . the duke's servants repeated the same words after their master , so that all the while the duke was going towards his chamber , you cou'd hear nothing else upon the stairs , but different voices , crying , my lady dutchess has the wit of devil , my lady dutchess is a true devil . in the mean time the steward paid the dutchess her pistoles , and went his way . the dutchess shut her chamber door , and freeing don pedro out of his little ease , who had scarce recover'd out of his fright , she endeavour'd to convince him , that a woman of wit cou'd disengage herself with honour out of a scurvy business , the very thoughts of which wou'd have made a fool dye with fear . she wou'd have had him take part of a collation , which her women had just set upon the table ; but he begg'd her pardon , and desir'd her to let him go . she gave him the hundred pistoles she had won of her husband , with a gold chain and her picture , that were worth as much more , conjuring him not to forget her , but to let her hear from him now and then . after this she tenderly embrac'd him , and put him into the hands of her maids , who let him and his mule out privately by a back door . he did not think it convenient to lye in that place , but rode two leagues further till he came to the town , where he intended to have dined the day before , if the dutchess had not stopt him . this odd adventure , with the catalonian dutchess , ran perpetually in his head . be could not enough wonder at her falling in love with him so on the sudden before she knew him , at her rashness in relating to the duke a story so nice , but so true , and last of all at her great address in applying it to her wager . he likewise admir'd the good temper of the duke , he pitied his condition , and fortified himself more than ever in his opinion , that a woman of wit was hard to be looked after , and doubted not but that if the dutchess had not too much relied upon the goodness of her invention , she durst never have carried on her intrigue so far , nor had the boldness to communicate it to her husband . he promis'd himself that he would never run any such risque of being ill-married , because he wou'd either take no wife at all , or if he did , pitch upon one that was so foolish , that she should not be able to distinguish between love and aversion . as he was making these wise reflexions , he arrived at madrid , where he found his cousin don rodrigo , had inherited his father's estate , and was married to his kinswoman . he was informed by him that violanta had disposed of herself in matrimony , and that the beautiful virginia , was gone to the indies with her husband . from madrid he arrived at granada . the first visit he paid was to his aunt , who welcomed him with a thousand embraces , and told him that seraphina lived like a saint , and that her lover had died of grief , because he could not perswade her to quit the cloyster to marry him . next day he went in company with his aunt to see the young laura , seraphina's daughter . she had been put into a convent when she was but four years old , and then might be about sixteen . he found her as beautiful as all the angels put together , and as foolish as all the nuns that come into the world without brains , and are taken out of it in their infancy , to be buried alive in a convent . he gazed upon her , and was charm'd by her beauty ; he made her talk , and admired her innocence . he now flatter'd himself that he had found out what he had been so long looking after , and what made him take a greater fancy to laura , was that she much resembled seraphina , with whom he had once been passionately in love , tho the copy infinitely exceeded the original . he told his aunt that she was not his daughter , and acquainted her with his resolution to marry her . the old gentlewoman approved his choice , and communicated the good news to laura , who neither rejoyced , nor was sad at it . don pedro furnished his house , look'd out for the most foolish servants he could find : he likewise endeavour'd to get a set of maids , full as great fools as laura , which gave him no small trouble . he presented his mistress with the richest cloaths and the finest things that granada could afford . all persons of quality in the town were invited to the wedding , and were as much pleased with laura's beauty , as they were disgusted at her simplicity . the company broke up very early , and our new couple were left alone by themselves . don pedro sent his servants to bed , and ordering his wife's maids to retire , so soon as they had undrest her , shut the chamber door . and now the devil put it into his head to execute the most nonsensical frolic , that ever man was guilty of , who had past all his life for a man of sense . he ●at down in a chair , making his wife stand all the while before him , and spoke the following words to her , or others much more impertinent . you are my wife , and i hope i shall have reason to bless god for 't , so long as we live together . be sure to remember what i tell you , and carefully observe it while you live , lest you offend god , and displease ●●e . at these words the innocent laura made many profound courtsies to him , whether seasonably or no it signifies nothing ; and with her two little roguy blinking eyes , she look'd as fearfully upon her husband , as a new scholar does ●pon an imperious pedagogue . do you know , continu'd don pedro , how marry'd people ought to live ? not i , forsooth , reply'd laura , dropping him a courtsie much lower than all the rest , but if you 'll teach me , i 'll remember it better than my ave mary ; and then she dropt him another . don pedro thought himself the happiest man upon earth , to find more simplicity in his wife than he ●urst have hoped . he took from his armory , a very ●ich , but light suit of armour , which he had wore former●y at a magnificent reception , that the city had made for ●he king of spain . with this he equipped his pretty idiot , ●he put a little gilt murrion on her head , finely adorn'd with plumes , he girt a sword by her side , and putting a lance into her hand , gravely told her , that it was the du●y of 〈◊〉 married wives , who had a mind to be thought 〈◊〉 to watch their husbands while they slept , arm●d 〈◊〉 points as she was . she answered him with 〈◊〉〈◊〉 court'sies , and kept on court'sing , till he bid 〈…〉 or three turns about her chamber , which 〈…〉 to perform with so good a grace , her 〈◊〉 beauty , and her military habit not a little contributing to set her off , that our too refin'd politician of a husband , was perfectly charm'd with her . he went to bed , and laura continu'd in motion till five a clock in the morning . our gentleman , who was the most considering and discreet of all husbands in the universe , or a● least thought himself such , got up , dress'd himself , disarm'd his wife , helpt her to pluck off her cloaths , put her into bed , which he had just quitted , and kiss'd her a thousand times , weeping for meer joy , that he had at last found so unestimable a jewel . he then wish'd her a good repose , and forbidding his servants to awake her , went to mass , and about his other affairs : for i had forgot 〈◊〉 inform the courteous reader , that he had purchased a plac● in granada , much like that of our maires , or provosts 〈◊〉 the merchants . the first night of their marriage pass'd 〈◊〉 the manner as i have re●a●xsed it , and the husband was suc● a confirm'd sot , as to employ the second no better . a●cordingly heaven punish'd him for his stupidity . an u●lucky business happened , which obliged him to take 〈◊〉 that very day , and ride to court. he had only time 〈◊〉 change his cloaths , and take leave of his wife , enjoyni● her under pain of offending god and displeasing him , ●observe exactly in his absence the duty of married wom●● those that have business at court , let them be as good a●strologers as they please , cannot assign the precise ti● when it shall be concluded . don pedro did not think ● staying there above five or six days at farthest , but was for ● to wait five or six months . all this while the simple lau●● did not fail to pass her nights in her coat of armour , a●● spent her day● in working at her needle , which she h●● learnt in the convent . a gentleman of cordova came ● granada at this time about a law-suit . he was no fool● to his intellectuals , and was well made as to his perfo● he often saw laura in her balcony ; he thought her 〈◊〉 ●ceeding pretty ; he pass'd and re-pass'd before her wi●dows a hundred times a day at least , after the mode ● spain , and laura let him fairly pass and repass without knowing what it meant , or so much as desiring to know ● there lived over against don pedro's house , a poor so●●● a woman , but charitable in her nature , and ready to ●●lieve the wants of her neighbours , who soon perceived be● the strangers love , and the small progress he had made ● the charming laura's affections . she was a woman of ● 〈◊〉 and her chief business was that of bringing good 〈◊〉 together , for which she was admirably fitted by her trade , which lay in commodes , towers , washes , essences , elixirs , and some fine secrets for beautifying the skin , and taking off freckles ; but what recommended her most to this vertuous employment , she was supposed to be skill'd in the black art. she so punctually bow'd to the cordovan gentleman , and good-morrow'd him so often as he pass'd before laura's windows , that he fancied she did not do it without some design . he accosted her , and all at once struck up an acquaintance and friendship with her ; he discovered his passion to her , and promis'd to make her fortune if she serv'd him in his amour . this old agent of lucifer loses no time , gets herself introduced by the foolish servants into the company of their foolish mistress , under pretence of shewing her some fine curiosities . she commended her beauty , lamented her being so soon forced to lose her husband's company , and when she found herself alone with her , she spoke to her of the fine gentleman that pass'd so often before her windows . she told her that ●e loved her more than his life , and that he had a violent ●nclination to serve her , if she saw fitting . in truth , i am very much obliged to him , reply'd the innocent laura , ●nd i should like his service well enough , but our house ● full of servants , and should any of them go away , i ●urst not receive him in my husbands absence . howe●er , i will write to him about it , if the gentleman desires ●t , and i don't doubt but i shall obtain what i ask of him . this was enough to so experienced a bawd as ours was , to ●onvince her that laura was simplicity it self . she therefore endeavoured to explain to her as well as she was able , in what manner this gentleman desired to serve her : she ●old her that he was full as rich as her husband , and that ●f she had a mind to see any proofs of it , she would bring her from him the finest jewels , and the richest cloaths that ●ould be . alas ! madam , says laura , i have so much of what you talk of , that i don't know where to put them . since 't is so , answer'd this ambassadress of satan , and you don't care that he should present you , suffer him at least to ●isit you . he may do that , says laura , when he pleases , no one will hinder him . that is as well as may be , replies this venerable bawd , but yet it would be much better still , if your footmen and maids knew nothing of it . that 's ●asy enough , answer'd laura , for my maids don't lye in my chamber , i go to bed without their help , and very late . take this key which opens all the rest in the house , and about eleven at night he may come in at the garden-door , where he will see a little stair-case , that will lead him to my chamber . this old beldame took her hands , and kiss'd them a hundred times , telling her she was going to bestow new life upon this poor gentleman , whom she had left a dying . and how came that about ? cries laura all in a fright . why 't is you that have killed him , replies this dissembling gipsy . laura looked as pale as if she had been convicted of murder , and was going to declare her innocence , if this wicked woman , who did not think it convenient to abuse her ignorance any longer , had not left her , throwing her arms about her neck , and assuring her that the sick man would not dye . you may imagin she understood her trade too well to forget the miraculous key that could open all the doors . some malapert critick now will fall upon my bones for this key , and tell me , 't is all over witch-craft , and smells of a fable ; but let him know from his most humble and most obliged servant , that the gentlemen in spain have such sorts of keys , which they call mistresses , and that in the days of yore people were better bred and more civil than to blame what they did not understand . let him maul fore-stroke and back-stroke , all that falls within the compass of his little capacity , but i shou'd be reckoned as great a coxcomb as he , to trouble my head any more about him . to return then to our old matron : she went to find out the impatient lover , and told him with an infernal sneer , what progress she had made in his business● he rewarded her like a liberal gentleman , and expected the night with impatience . the night at last arrived , he opened the garden-door , and stole up as softly as he could to laura's chamber , at the time when this silly creature was walking up and down in her room , arm'd at all points , with a lance in her hand , according to the salutary instructions of her extravagant husband . there was only a small light in a corner of the room , and the door stood open , without question to receive the cordovan gallant . but our spack seeing a person all in armour , did not doubt but that they design'd to get him in their clutches● his fear then prevailed over his love , as violent as it was and away he fled faster than he came , fearing that he should not get into the street soon enough . he went to his trusty goer-between , and inform'd her what a hazard he had run , who being mightily concerned at what had happened , went directly to laura's house , to discourse her about the matter . our silly innocent no sooner saw her , but she askt her why the ●entleman did not come , and whether he was still sick ? he is not sick , replies old iniquity , but came to wait on you last night , and saw an armed man in your chamber . at this laura made a long-winded laugh , then she fell into a second fit , and then into a third , and all this while the old woman cou'd not tell what to make on 't . at last , when she had fully satisfy'd herself with laughing , and was at liberty to talk , she told the reverend beldame , that it was plain the gentleman was not married , and that it was she who walked all arm'd in her chamber . our virtuous matron could not imagin what to make of these words , and for a pretty while believed that laura was a downright natural , but after she had put several questions to her , she came to understand , what she could not otherwise have believed , as well the great simplicity of a girl of fifteen , who ought to have known what was what at that age , as the extravagant precaution her husband used , to secure his wives chastity . however , she thought it best to leave laura in her error , and instead of showing herself surprized at the novelty of the thing , as much as she was , she fell a laughing with laura , at the great fright the gallant had been in . a meeting was appointed that night , the old woman encouraged the gallant , and admir'd as well as he at the strange stupidity of our husband and his wife . the night came , he got into the garden , crept up the little stair-case , and found his lady in armour , performing her conjugal duty , as she thought he embrac'd her all covered with iron as she was , and for her part she received him , as if she had known him from her cradle . at last he enquired of her what she designed to do in this armour . she fell a laughing , and told him that she durst not take it off , nor pass the night in any other equipage ; and inform'd him , since it seems he knew it not , that it was a mortal sin to do otherwise . our charitable wheedling cordovan took abundance of pains to undeceive the poor creature , and perswade her that she was abused , and that married persons passed their time after another manner . at last he prevailed with her to disarm , and to learn a more easy and pleasant way of performing the duties of matrimony , than her husband had taught her , which laura own'd to be a cruel fatigue . he was not long in getting off her armour , he likewise helpt her to unrig , finding she was too long about it herself , and then threw himself into the bed by her side , where he made her confess that chalk and cheese were not more different than his precepts of matrimony , and those of her husband . in short , he taught laura all that he knew ; who for her part was not backward to learn it , while her husband danc'd attendance at court. at last she receiv'd a letter from him , wherein he sent her word , that his business being at last over , he was now preparing to come home : and at the same time our cordovan having dispatched his affairs at granada return'd to cordova , without taking leave of laura , being , as i suppose , not very much concern'd to part with her , since nothing is so short-liv'd as our love of a fool . laura was not much mortify'd at it , and receiv'd her husband with as much joy , and with as little concern for the loss of her gallant , as if she had never seen him . don pedro and his wife supt together , to their mutual satisfaction . the night was now pretty well spent : don pedro went to bed according to his custom , and you may judge what a surprize he was in , when he saw his pretty consort in her smock coming to lye by him . being much disturb'd in his righteous spirit , he ask'd her why she was not in her armour ? oh , says she , i know a much better way of passing the night with one's husband , which my other husband taught me , i thank him . what , have you got another husband ? replies don pedro. yes , says she , and so fine and handsome a husband too , let me tell you , that you 'd be pleas'd to see him ; but in truth i don't know when we shall see him , for ever since the last letter you sent me he has not been here . don pedro dissembling his vexation , ask'd her who he was ? but she could not resolve him that question , and like a loving tit propos'd to don pedro to shew him what a pretty game her other husband had taught her . our unfortunate gentleman pretended to be sick , and perhaps was so , at least in mind . he turn'd his back to her , and chewing the cud upon the blessed choice he had made of a wife , who had not only violated the honour of his bed , but had not sense enough to conceal it from him , bethought himself of the wholesome advice of the catalonian dutchess , detested his errors , and own'd ( but it was somewhat of the latest ) that a woman of wit knows how to preserve the laws of honour ; or if out of weakness she breaks them , knows at least how to keep her transgression private . at last he comforted himself as well as he cou'd for a calamity that was not to be redress'd : he feign'd to be indispos'd for some time , to see whether the instructions of his deputy wou'd have any other effect than just teaching her a lesson , which he had done better to have taught her himself . he liv'd several years with her , had always a watchful eye upon her actions ; and when he dy'd left her all his estate , upon condition that she wou'd take the habit of a nun , in the same convent where seraphina liv'd , who was inform'd by him that laura was her daughter . he sent all the particulars of his history to his cousin don rodrigo at madrid , and confess'd to him how finely he had found himself mistaken in his erroneous opinion . he dy'd : laura neither rejoic'd nor griev'd at it . she enter'd herself in the same convent where her mother liv'd ; who finding what a great estate don pedro had left her daughter , founded a religious house with it . the history of don pedro was divulg'd after his death , and convinc'd all those people , who doubted of it before , that vertue cannot be perfect without good sense , that a witty woman may be honest of herself , but that a fool cannot be so without assistance , and good looking after . novel iii. the hypocrites . it was at that lovely season of the year , when flora and apollo , no , i beg your pardon , apollo and flora , dress the earth in her gayest livery , that a woman arriv'd at toledo , the most ancient and most renowned city of spain . she was fair and young , as subtle as the old serpent , and so great an enemy to truth , that for several years she never suffer'd that vertue to approach her lips ; and what is more wonderful , she did not find herself a jot the worse for it , at least she never complain'd of it . thus she traffick'd in lies , and generally made a good market of them ; for nothing is more certain , than that a cheat of our heroine's complexion has sometimes stole herself into the approbation even of those persons , who have a mortal aversion to falshood . she had a magazine of fiction large enough to furnish all the poets , heralds , vision-mongers , quacks and astrologers in christendom . in short , this natural qualification , which she had taken care to cultivate from her infancy , joyn'd to the charms of her face , had got her in a short time a fine parcel of pistoles . her eyes were black , lively , sweet , large , as fine as fine cou'd be , but most notorious killers , convicted of some four or five murders , suspected of fifty more that were not sufficiently proved upon them ; and as for the wretches they had wounded , their numbers cou'd not be computed , nor even imagin'd . no woman in the universe drest finer than she ; the least pin set on by her hand carry'd a particular charm with it . she advis'd with no other councellor as to her dress but her looking-glass , which was her chief minister of state , her treasurer , and father confessor . she was a most dangerous woman to see , that 's certain , for a man cou'd not for the heart of him help loving her , and cou'd not be long her gallant , without being her slave as long . well , our lady , such as i have describ'd her to you , arriv'd at toledo towards the evening , iust at the very nick of time when all the cavaliers of the city were preparing a masquerade for the wedding of a young gentleman of the neighbourhood , who was to marry a lady , descended of one of the best families in that city . the windows were illuminated with torches , but much more with the brighter eyes of the fair ladies , and the incredible number of wax-lights triumph'd o're the vanquish'd night , and restor'd another day . women of the least quality show'd all their finery upon this occasion . a world of beaux had most nicely spruc'd up their fine persons with a felonious intention to kill the ladies ; i mean those empty fops , that all great cities are plagued with , who don't care a farthing whether they make real conquests , provided they can but have the reputation or scandal of them , chuse you whether : who never attack but in a troop , and always with insolence ; and who by vertue of a handsome face , red stockings , a gilt snuff-box and a fine perriwig , think they can command the lives of all they meet , and murder all the women with love , and all the men with fear . oh what a fine time had the men of complement that day to shew the fruitfulness of their imagination ; and how much glittering rhetorick was thrown away upon goddesses , who had not been deify'd a full hour ? among the rest , a dapper younker , who from a school-boy had advanc'd himself to the dignity of a page , surpass'd himself in talking magnificent nonsense before our heroine , and never was better pleas'd with his dear person than then . he had seen her alight out of the stage-coach , by the same token he was terribly smitten with her ; but resolving not to stop there , he follow'd her to the very door of the house where she hir'd a room , and from thence to all the several places where her curiosity led her . at last our stranger stopt at a certain place , where she might behold the masks at her ease ; and our eloquent page , who had put on his best linnen that day , and was finer than ordinary , immediately entred into a conversation with her , and began to display his talent . she was a woman that understood the world very well , and lov'd dearly to banter and laugh at your forward young prigs , that think they are born with a patent to be troublesome . judge therefore , if finding our page an everlasting talker , that car'd not what came uppermost , she did not ●oon carry the shallow sot out of his depth , and manage him as she pleas'd . she intoxicated him with her praises , so that ●oth his heart and soul were at her service . he told her , that ●e waited on an ancient cavalier of andalusia , unkle to the young gentleman that was to be marry'd , for whom the city made all this rejoycing ; that he was one of the richest men of his quality , and that he had no other heir but this young nephew , whom he lov'd exceedingly , altho he was one of the most extravagant young fellows in spain , a lover of all the women he saw , and besides a little army of whores and other women whom he had inveigled , either by fair speeches , or money ; had committed several rapes , without respect to age , degree , or condition . he added , that his follies had been very expensive to his old unkle ; who was the more desirous to link him in matrimony , to see whether he wou'd not alter his manners with altering his condition . while the page discover'd all the affairs and secrets of his master , she made him giddy with her flatteries , commending every word he spoke , and bidding the company observe with what a grace he told his story ; in short , omitting nothing that might help to turn the head of a young fop , who had already but too good an opinion of his own parts . the commendations and applauses that come from a fair mouth are dangerous and deceitful . our indiscreet page had no sooner inform'd helen that he was a native of valladolid , but she began to express herself very much in favour of that city and its inhabitants ; and after she had put herself to the expence of some hyperboles in praising them , she assured our young coxcomb that of all the fine gentlemen she had known of that country , she never saw one so well made and accomplish'd as himself . this was the finishing complement , that pinn'd up the basket . just as our page was going to take his leave of her , she invited him to conduct her to her lodgings , and you must not ask the question why she gave her lilly-white hand to him rather than another . this unexpected favour made his heart leap within him , so that he was perfectly out of his little senses ; and he concluded within himself that a man ought not to despair of his good fortune , altho he is never so miserable . when our charming flatterer came ito her room she plac'd the page in the best seat : he was so confounded with this treatment , that for want of taking due care , he came souse with his breech to the ground : his cloak fell one way , and his hat and gloves another , and he had like to have run himself through with his ponyard , which dropt out of the scabbard as he fell . helen went to help up our poor spark , and seem'd to be mightily concern'd at his mischance : she put up his ponyard , and told him she cou'd not see him wear it any more that day , after the slippery trick it had play'd him . the page pick'd up the scatter'd remains of his shipwrack , and made several wicked complements suitable to the occasion . all this while helen made as if she cou'd not recover herself from her late fright , and began to admire the fine workmanship of the ponyard . the page gave her to understand that it belong'd to his old master , who had formerly bestow'd it upon his graceless nephew , with a sword and other accoutrements belonging to it ; and that he had chosen it among several more , that were in his master's wardrobe , on purpose to make a better figure upon a day of such publick solemnity . helen made the page believe she had a mind to go out in disguise , to see after what manner people of quality were marry'd at toledo . the page told her that the ceremony wou'd not be perform'd till midnight , and offer'd her a small collation in the chamber of the master of the house , who was his friend . he rail'd at his unpropitious stars , that he was forc'd to quit the most agreeable company in the world , to wait upon his master , who kept his bed by reason of his illness . he added , that his gout was the reason why he did not assist at the wedding , which was to be kept in a great house in the city , at a good distance from his own , that was call'd the hotel of the count de fuensolide . he was pumping his brains to make some pretty complement at parting , when he heard some-body knock very hard at the door . helen seem'd to be strangely discomposed at it , and desir'd the page to retire into a little closet , where she shut him up longer than he imagined . he that made such a rapping at the door was helen's gallant , half pimp and half bully , whom , to stop the mouths of the wicked , she was pleased to call brother . he was the trusty accomplice of all her wicked actions , and drudge in ordinary to her private pleasures . she told him how she had disposed of the page , and discovered to him her design to finger some of his old masters pistoles , which required as much speed as dexterity in the execution . the mules , tho very well harass'd , were immediately put into the coach , that had carry'd them from madrid ; and helen with her company ( which was compos'd of the terrible montafar , the venerable mendez , and a small lackey ) embark'd in this founder'd vessel , which carry'd them to a sort of long-lane , where a parcel of christian-jews live , whose faith is as thread-bare as the second hand cloaths they sell. the masks ran still about the streets ; and it so happen'd , that the bridegroom , who was mask'd as well as the rest , met helen's coach , and beheld our dangerous stranger , who seem'd to him to be venus in disguise , or the sun hurrying about the streets . he was so strangely tempted at this bewitching sight , that he was within an ace of leaving his bride elect in the lurch to run after this unknown fair ; but at that time his prudence had power enough to stifle this growing passion . he follow'd his companions in the masks , while the stage-coach drove furiously on towards the aforesaid street , where the brokers liv'd , and here without much higgling and making of words , helen soon equipt herself in mourning from top to toe , together with the ancient mendez , montafar● and the little boy . after this getting into the coach again , she order'd the fellow to stop at the hotel of the count de fuensalide . our diminutive lackey went in first , enquired out the apartment of the marquis de villefagnan , and told him that a lady from the mountains of leon was at the door , who had some business of great importance to communicate to him . the good gentleman was surprized to hear of a visit from such a lady , and at such an hour : he raised himself upon his bed as well as he could , adjusted his wrinkled cravat , and ordered two cushions to be put under his back , to receive so important a visit with a better grace . he kept himself in this posture , with his eye still fixed upon the chamber door , when he saw enter the room ( not without the great admiration of his eyes , and as great a palpitation of his heart ) the sorrowful montafar , muffled up in as much black crape as would serve half a score herses , follow'd by two women in the same habit , the youngest of whom he led by the hand , and who covering part of her face with her vail , seem'd to be the most sorrowful and considerable of the two . a lackey held up her train , which was so enormously prolix , that when it was spread out it covered the whole floor . at the door they saluted the sick old gentleman with three profound reverences , not reckoning that of the little lackey , which was worth nothing : in the middle of the room with three other reverences all at the same time , and three more before they took their seats , which were brought them by a young page , comrade to him whom helen had lock'd up safe in the closet ; but these three last reverences were so extraordinary , that they effaced the remembrance of the former . the courteous soul of our old gentleman was strangely surprized at so odd a scene , the ladies took their seats , and montafar and the little lackey retired bare-headed towards the door . the gouty cavalier was at his wits end to find them complements , and he afflicted himself at their mourning , before he knew the cause of it , which he entreated them to let him know , as likewise the reason why they did him the honour of a visit at so unusual an hour for persons of their condition . helen , who needed not to be informed what a strange efficacy and perswasion there is in tears that come from beautiful eyes , immediately pour'd out a torrent of tears , intermixt with violent sobs and sighs , raising and falling the tone of her voice as she saw most proper . she discovered ever and anon her white hands , with which she wiped her tears , and sometimes shew'd her face , to let him see she was as beautiful as afflicted . the old gentleman expected with impatience when she would open , and began now to hope it , for that impetuous flood of tears , which had overflowed her charming field of lillies and roses , was in a manner stopt , when the venerable mendez , who judged it convenient to re-assume this mournful harmony , which the other had finished , began to weep and sob , and lay about her with that violence , that it was a misfortune and shame to helen that she did not grieve enough . the old matron did not stop here , but resolving to out-do helen , thought that to tear a handful or two of her hair , would not have an ill effect upon the audience . it was no sooner thought of , but done : she committed most horrible ravage upon her locks , but in truth this was no mighty loss to her , for there was not one single hair of the growth of her head . after this manner did helen and mendez strive who should exceed the other , when montafar and the lackey , at a signal concerted between them , began a doleful consort at the door , and wept and sigh'd so cruelly , that one would have thought they designed to out-rival the two pensive ladies near the bed ; who by this new striking up of the chorus , began to play their parts so furiously , as if they had been too remiss before . the old gentleman was almost distracted , to see them weep so immoderately , yet know nothing of the occasion . he wept however to keep them company , as well as he could , sobb'd as strenuously as the best of them , and conjured the afflicted ladies by all that was good and sacred , by their seraphical eyes , and their celestial charms to moderate their grief a little , and acquaint him with the cause of it ; protesting , that his life was the least thing he would hazard for their sakes , and regretting the loss of his youth , which hindered him from shewing the sincerity of his heart by his actions . at these words the sky began to clear up a little , the countenances were not so overcast as before , and they thought that they had wept enough in all conscience , since they could weep no longer without spoiling the jest . besides , they were good husbands of their time , and knew that they had not a minute to lose . our old matron therefore lifting up her vail above her head , to the end that her venerable looks might give her all the credit she wanted on this occasion , declaimed in the following manner . god of his almighty power and goodness preserve and shield my lord marquis de ville-fagnan from all harm , and restore him to his former health . altho' to speak truth , the tragical story we are going to tell him , is not very proper to give him joy , which is the elixir of health : but o●● misfortune is of that nature , that we must communicate it , at this the poor marquiss de ville-fagnan striking himself with the palm of his hand upon his thigh , and fetching : sigh from the bottom of his heart ; heaven grant , says he , that i am mistaken , but my foreboding mind tells me , that 't is some foolish frolick , or rather some extravagance of my nephew . go on madam , go on , and excuse me for interrupting you . our old matron fell a weeping , instead of returning him an answer , when the pensive helen took up the discourse . since you know by sorrowful experience , says she , that your nephew is a slave to his extravagant appetites and have been but too often troubled to compound for his outrages , you will make no difficulty to believe his brutal usage of me . when you unhappily sent him to leon la●● spring , he saw me at church , and at this first interview said some things to me , which , had they been true , neither of us ought to have stirr'd out of that holy ground ; my self , for fear of justice , as being his murderer , and he as ● dead man , and fit to be put in his grave he told me ● hundred times that my eyes had kill'd him , and omitted none of those insinuating wheedling tricks , that lovers employ to abuse the simplicity of poor virgins . he followed me home to my lodging , he rode before my windows every day , and serenaded me every night . at last , finding that all his amorous arts signified nothing , he corrupted by his money a black wench , a slave of ours , to whom my mother had promised her liberty , and by her infernal treachery surpriz'd me in a garden we have in the suburbs of the city i had none but this perfidious maid with me : he was ● companied by a man as wicked as himself , and had 〈◊〉 the gardner to go to the other end of the town under 〈◊〉 of business . what need i say more ; he clapt his ponyard to my throat , and finding that my life was less dear to me than my honour , by the help of the companion of his crime , he took that by force , which he could never obtain by fair promises . the black acted the part of a distracted woman , and the better to hide her perfidy , she wounded herself slightly in the hand , and then vanished . the gardner return'd : your nephew affrighted at the blackness of his crime , leapt over the garden-wall in so much precipitation , that he dropt his ponyard , which i took up . however , this insolent young man had nothing then to fear ; for not being in a condition to stop him , i had command enough over my self , to dissemble the inexpressible misfortune that had befallen me . i did all i could to appear no more concern'd than i us'd to be . the wicked slave was not to be seen from that moment . soon after i lost my mother , and i might say that i lost every thing with her , if my aunt , whom you see there , had not been so kind as to take me to her own house , where she makes no difference between her tow beautiful daughters and my self . there i came to be inform'd , that your nephew was so far from designing to make me reparation for the injury he had done me , that he was upon the point of marrying in this city . upon this i flew hither in the greatest haste i could , and expect , before i go out of your chamber , that you will give me in money or jewels , the worth of two thousand crowns , to settle me in some convent ; for after what i have known by fatal experience of the temper of this cavalier , i can never bring my self to marry him , altho' he and his relations should endeavour to perswade me by all sorts of offers and intreaties . i know well enough that he is to be married to night , but i 'll soon stop all proceedings , and raise such a hurricane , as shall make his heart ake as long as he lives , if you don't comply with my proposal : and to let you see , continued this dissembling hypocrite , that what i have told you of your nephew is so true , that nothing can be more , see the fatal ponyard which he clapt to my throat ; and would to god he had done something more , than only threatned me with it . she began to weep afresh at the conclusion of the story . mendez took it in a higher key than she , and the harmonious consort at the door , of which the little squeaking lackey made the treble , and montafar the bass , tuned their pipes to admiration . our old gentleman , who had already but too easily believed , 〈◊〉 the greatest ch●at of her sex had told him , no sooner saw the ponyard , but he immediately knew it to be the same he had formerly bestowed upon his nephew . therefore all his care was to prevent this story 's taking air , lest it should hinder the match . he would have sent for him with all his heart , but he was afraid lest some people should be so curious as to enquire into the occasion ; and as 't is natural for us to fear where we desire , he no sooner saw our afflicted ladies rising from their seats , and making as if they were going to break this marriage to pieces , which he so earnestly desired , and had taken so much pains to bring about , but he ordered his page to bring him his cabinet , and tell out two thousand crowns in four pistole pieces . montafar received them , and told them one by one , and the old marquis having made them promise him to honour him with a visit next morning , excused himself a hundred times to the ladies , that he was not able to wait upon them to their chariot . away they went very well satisfy'd with their visit , and ordered the coachman to drive back to madrid , concluding with themselves , that if they were pursued , it would be on the road to leon. in the mean time their landlady finding that her lodgers did not come home , went into their chamber , she found the page in the closet , who could not imagin why they shut him up there , and she let him go about his business , because she knew him , or rather because upon enquiry she found none of her moveables missing . those people that make a trade of robbing , and wholly subsist by it , tho they don't fear god , always fear man. they are of all countries , and yet are of none , as having no settled habitation . as soon as they set foot in one place , they make the most on 't they can , and when they have graz'd it bare , remove to fresh quarters . this cursed occupation , which is learnt with so much pains and danger , differs from all others in this respect , that whereas we leave the rest when we grow old , purely for want of strength to follow them , that of robbing generally leaves a man in his youth , and yet 't is for want of living longer● one would think that the gentlemen that follow it , must find some unaccountable charms in it , since for its sake they venture a great number of years , which are sooner or later concluded by the hangman . helen , mendez and montafar , had none of these pious reflexions in their head , 〈◊〉 rather were in perpetual fears lest they should be 〈◊〉 sued . they gave the coachman double his fare to 〈◊〉 the more haste , who , without question , did all he 〈◊〉 please his passengers that paid him so liberally ; so that we may reasonably conclude , that never did any leathern vehicle make more expedition to madrid montafar was very uneasie , and shew'd by the many sighs that escap'd from him , that he was rather in a penitential than a merry strain . helen , who had a mind to divert his melancholy , by recounting to him the particulars of her life , which till that moment she had carefully conceal'd from him : since i find thou art in such a musty humour , said she to him , i will satisfie the great longing thou hast always exprest to know who i am , and what adventures have befaln me before we came acquainted together . i cou'd tell thee that i am descended from a noble family , and according to the vanity now predominant give my self an illustrious name , as easily as any of my neighbours ; but i will be so sincere with thee , as to acquaint thee , even with the least faults of those who sent me into the world . you must know then , that my father , of happy memory , was a gallician by birth , a lackey by profession , or to speak more honourably of him , a footman . he held the memory of the patriarch noah in singular veneration , for his noble invention of the vine ; and were it not for his particular respect to the juice of the grape , one might say of him that he car'd but little for the vanities of this wicked world . my mother was of granada , to speak frankly to you , a slave , but you know there 's no contending with our destiny . she answer'd to the name of mary , which her masters gave her at her baptisin ; but she was better pleas'd to be call'd zara , which was her moorish name : for since i am to tell you the truth , the whole truth , and nothing but the truth , she was a christian in complaisance and fashion ; and a moor in reality . nevertheless she frequently confess'd , but t was rather the sins of her master than her own ; and as she amus'd her confessor not with her own failings , but with the things she was forc'd to suffer as a servant , and shew'd him of what a meek , humble , and patient spirit she was , the charitable old father , who was a godly man , and judg'd of others by himself , believ'd her upon her word , commended her instead of reproving her , so that any one that had stood near enough , wou'd have heard nothing but praises on both sides . perhaps you are in pain to know ●ow i came acquainted with so particular a secret , and you may very well imagine that my mother never disclos'd it to ●e : but i must inform you , that i am very inquisitive in my nature , and as young as i was at that time , my mother never confess'd herself , but i got as near her as i could to over-hear her confession . but to proceed , as tawny , or to express my self more properly , as black as she was , her face and shape were not disagreeable , and there were more than six cavaliers , commanders of red and green crosses , that were her humble admirers , and strove who should be most in her good graces . she was of so charitable a temper , that she granted them all they asked of her , and her gratitude to her masters was so great , that to make them some amends for the pains they had been at in rearing her from her childhood , she did all that lay in her power every year to give them a little slave , male or female : but heaven did not second her good intentions , and all her morly progeny , her chequer'd issue , i mean all the squawling demi - negroes of her making , dy'd as soon as they were born . she was happier in bringing up the children of other people . her masters that had lost all their own in the cradle , got her to nurse a young child , despair'd of by the physicians , who in a short time , by her good looking after it , and the good qualities of my mothers milk , was perfectly recovered of its ilness , and shew'd all the symptoms of a long and healthful life . for this piece of service to her family , my mothers mistress gave her her liberty when she died . being now at her own disposal , she set up for washing and whitening of linnen , and succeeded so well , that in a short time there was scarce a beau or courtier in madrid , that thought his linnen well washed unless it pass'd her hands . and now she began to practice those lessons again , which her mother had formerly given her , i mean to renew her acquaintance with her correspondents in the other world . she had laid aside this ticklish employment rather out of modesty , and because she was tired with the encomiums that were given her for being so well skill'd in her art , than for any fear of justice , or apprehensions of the magistrate . in short , she applied herself afresh to it , only to oblige her friends , and in a little time made so great a progress 〈◊〉 this noble science , and acquir'd such a credit in the kingdom of darkness , that daemons of the highest reputation were not thought to be worth a farthing , if they were not in league with her . i am not vain , neither do i love to tell lies , added helen ; for which reason i will not bestow any good qualities upon my mother which she did not possess , but i am obliged at least to pay this testimony to her virtue . the secrets which she fold , those which she reveal'd and her oracles , which made her pointed at in the streets were vulgar talents among those of her nation , in comparison of what she knew in the mystery of maidenheads . that incomprehensible flower was much better after she had lent it a helping hand , than before it was gathered , and bore a greater price at its second edition , with my mother's corrections and amendments , than at the first . she might be about forty years old , when she married my father , the good rodrigo . all the neighbourhood wondered that a man who loved wine so well , would marry a woman that never tasted it , as if she still continued a disciple of mahomet , and who had her hands always in water , as being a landress by profession . but in answer to this , my father worthily replied , that love clear'd all difficulties , and made every thing easie . some time after , her belly swell'd to her chin , and she was happily delivered of me . but this joy did not last long in our family . i was about six years old , when a certain prince cloathed a hundred lackeys in his own livery against a bull-feast . my father was one of the number , drank a large mornings draught , and being pot-valiant , must needs incounter a wild bull , who toss'd him two or three story high , and tore out his guts . i remember they made ballads upon my fathers death , and the burden of the song was , that two of a trade can never agree . i did not understand the meaning on 't then , but i have been informed since , that it alluded to his being a cornuted animal like a bull : but you know 't is impossible to stop peoples mouths , if they have a mind to prate , and vent their ill-natur'd mirth . my mother was afflicted at my fathers misfortune , and so was i , she was comforted and so was her daughter . when i was grown up , my beauty began to make people talk of me ; and lord ! what pressing and thronging there was to carry me to the park , to the play-house , and to give me collations upon the banks of the mansanares . my mother watcht me like a second argos , so that i grumbled to be so confin'd ; but she soon made me sensible that it was for my advantage . her severity , and the high price she set upon me , enhanced the value of her merchandize , and raised a terrible competition between those that pretended to my favours . i was as it were put up by way of auction , each man thought he had the better of his rival , and each man fancied he had found that , which was long ago gone and vanished . a rich genoese merchant who courted me in private , so dazzled the eyes of my prudent mother with his yellow metal , and bled so plentifully , that she favoured his good intentions . he possess'd the f●●st p●ace in my affection , but this superiotity proved very expensive to him . we continued faithful to him , so long as we believed he doubted us : when we found him no longer upon his guard , we fairly duped him . my mother was too tender-hearted , and sensible of the pains of lovers , not to be touched with the continual complaints of these gentlemen , who were all of them topping cards at court , and as rich as croesus . 't is true , they did not throw their money about them so plentifully as the genoese , but my mother , as she knew how to set a value upon great gains , so she did not despise the smaller ; and besides , she was obliging rather out of a principle of charity than interest . the genoese in short was declared a bankrupt , and i don't know but we might lend a helping hand to his breaking . he was engaged in several scuffles and quarrels for me : the magistrates came to visit us more out of civility than for any other reason ; but my mother had a natural aversion to the gentlemen of the long robe ; and no less hated your bullies and rakehelly red-coats , that began to besiege us . she therefore thought it expedient to remove to sevil , turn'd all her plate and furniture into ready money , and took me with her in the stage-coach . we were betray'd by our villanous coach-man , robb'd and stript of all we had , and my mother was so bruised and battered , because she defended her own goods as long as her little strength would give her leave , that before i could drag her along with me to a wretched inn , she gave up the ghost at the foot of a rock . i armed my self with resolution , altho i was but very young . i bundled up every rag belonging to the old gentlewoman , but our thieves had been so careful that they left me little to carry off . thus i left her to the discretion of the next passengers , not doubting , but that upon so great road as it was between madrid and sevil , some charitable christians would come by , and take care to see her corps interred . i arrived at madrid ; my lovers were acquainted with my misfortune , and in a short time i was equipped with new rigging and furniture . about that time i happened to meet with thee at one of my female companions , and i was perfectly charmed with thy good qualities . what has happened since i need not relate to thee , since we have never been asunder . we came to toledo ; we left it in haste , but made so good a market there , that if thou art a man of that courage as i take thee to be , thou wou'd'st be merrier than thou art . but since this long story has made thee inclined to take a nap , as i find by thy yawning and nodding , lay thy head upon my lap and sleep : but know , that if there is any thing good or useful in fear , 't is before we have committed a crime , for 't is the vilest and most dangerous quality in the world after we have done one . fear always discomposes the minds of the guilty , in such a manner that instead of flying from those that pursue them , they throw themselves frequently into their hands . montafar fell asleep , and the morning awaked , so beautiful and charming , that the birds , the flowers and the fountains saluted her each after its manner ; the birds by singing , the flowers by perfuming the air , and the fountains by smiling or murmuring , no matter which , for one is as true as the other . and now the nephew of the marquis de ville-fagnan , the sensual don sancho was getting up from his new bride , tired enough in all conscience , and perhaps already glutted with the pleasures of matrimony . he could think of nothing but the pretty stranger , i mean the dangerous helen , whom he had seen the night before in the stage-coach , and fancy'd to be the phoenix of her sex ; in which particular he was guilty of great injustice to his own lady , who was very beautiful , and so amiable that several lovers in toledo sigh'd for her , while at the same time she sigh'd for her ungrateful husband , and that monster of inconstancy sigh'd for an infamous mercenary strumpet , that wou'd have lick'd the devil's cloven foot for half a crown . but nothing is so irregular as our appetites . a husband that has a pretty wife runs after a draggle-tail'd nasty servant-wench . a noble-man that has his ragous and ortolans , despises what he sees before him , and calls for the sturdy beef and pottage that his footmen dine on . all the world has a deprav'd taste in many things , but your men of quality more than any . as they have more wealth than they know what to do with , and fondly perplex themselves in searching after what is never to be found , they choose course ordinary things , only for variety . thus we see they spare neither pains , nor money to purchase trifles ; and sometimes court some common ●ilt a twelve-month before they can obtain those favours of her , which she flings away upon others without asking . heaven permits this , on purpose that they may punish themselves with an evil of their own seeking . wretched man ! on whom heaven has bestow'd those two things that contribute to make life happy , riches in abundance , and a lovely wife : riches to support and relieve those that deserve , but have them not , and to secure thee from stooping to those meannesses , to which poverty often exposes the most generous souls ; and a wife that equals thee in quality , beautiful both in her body and mind , wholly perfect in thy eyes , but much more so in the eyes of others , who see farther into the affairs of their neighbour than their own ; and , in short , possess'd of those shining qualifications , moderation , chastity and vertue . what is it thou art looking for elsewhere ? hast thou not at home thy other half , thy wife , whose wit can divert thee , who yields her body entirely to thy pleasure , who is jealous of thy honour , frugal of thy fortune , careful to preserve thy estate , who gives thee children to divert thee in their childhood , to support thee in thy old age , and to keep up thy name after thou art dead . what is it i say thou art looking for abroad ? i will tell thee in a few words , to ruine thy estate and reputation , to enfeeble thy body , and lose the esteem of thy friends , and to create thy self abundance of enemies . thinkst thou that thy honour is safe , because thou hast a vertuous wife ? alas ! thou hast little experience of the things of this world , and art little acquainted with humane frailty . the most tractable and quiet horse in the world grows restiff under an ill horseman and throws him to the ground . a woman may now and then resist a temptation of doing ill , and yet commit a crime of the last consequence , when she fancies herself most upon her guard. one fault draws many after it , and the distance between virtue and vice sometimes is not above a day or two's journey . and now methinks i see some malapert critick cock his hat , toss his wig over his shoulders , look fierce , and ask how these moral aphorisms come to be thus brought in hand over head . why , pray sir don't be so cholerick ; make use of them , or let them alone as you see fit ; 't is all a case to your humble servant , i 'll assure you● but under favour , sir , methinks you ought to thank the man who gives you them for nothing . but to return to our story : don sancho was ready to rise from his young wife● when his unkle's steward brought him a letter , wherein the old gentleman sent him word of the strange lady who had visited him the night before , and whom he suspected to have cheated him , because she was not to be found in any of the inns in toledo , where he had sent to enquire after her , and desired him in the same letter to send him one of his servants to pursue this notorious cheat to madrid whither he supposed she steered her course , because he had sent his people upon all the great roads from toledo to me neighbouring cities , and could hear no news of her . 〈◊〉 sancho was not made of brass , or marble . he found himself attack'd in the weakest part of his soul , and was wondrous fierce and uppish to be once in his life wrongfully accused of a fault , who had been found guilty of so many before . the loss of so great a summ , and the sham that had been put upon his unkle equally incensed him . he told the 〈◊〉 story his wife and some of his relations , who came to give our married pair the good morrow , and being not to be disswaded from his resolution by the intreaty of his wife , or the advice of his friends , he drest himself in a minute , eat a little breakfast , and ran to his unkle's house . the page , who had introduc'd helen into the old marquis his chamber , describ'd the coach to him , inform'd him how many they were in company , and by what marks they might be discover'd . he took post from toledo to madrid , attended only by two foot-men , whose courage was not unknown to him . he rode four or five stages so fast , that he had no leisure to think of the beautiful stranger ; but when his indignation was a little evaporated by his journey , helen took place again in his fancy , but so beautiful and charming , that he was in the mind once or twice to return to toledo to find her out . he wish'd himself a hundred times at the devil , for concerning himself so far about his unkle's robbery ; and call'd himself sot and blockhead , and enemy to his own pleasure as often , to fatigue himself thus in riding post , whereas he might have employ'd his time to better purpose , in seeking a happiness , the possession whereof , in his opinion , would have made him the happiest man in the world . while these amorous reflections took up his thoughts , he often talked to himself , as fools use to do , and so loud , that his servants that rode before him stopt short , and turn'd back to enquire what he wou'd have . why , would he often say to himself , did i leave the place where i first beheld her , and shall not i be the most unhappy of all men , if this stranger leaves toledo before my return ? well , 't is no more than what i deserve , who must take the office of a thief-catcher upon me , unask'd and unsought ; but , continu'd he , if i return to toledo without doing something , what will my friends say of me , who wou'd have disswaded me from this enterprize , and ought i to leave those villains unpunish'd that have robb'd my unkle in so unheard of a manner , and besides have so perfidiously wounded my reputation ? these different agitarions employ'd the mind of our young extravagant , when near xetaffe his foot-man discover'd helon's coach by the marks that had been given them . they cried out with one voice to their master , yonder are the thieves , and without staying for him , rode up to the coach with their swords in hand . the coachman stopt , being terribly affrighted , and montafar was much more than he : helen order'd him to let down the glasses , and look'd out to see how she might prevent so dangerous a storm . she saw don sancho riding towards her with sword in hand , whose angry countenance promised no good ; but our amorous gentleman no sooner cast his eyes upon those two bewitching stars , which had so terribly wounded him , but his wounds bled afresh , and he immediately believed that his servants had mistaken ; for we have always a good opinion of the person we love ; and as if he had known helen from his cradle to have been a lady of unblemish'd credit , he lay'd about his footmen with his sword like a distracted man. you dogs , cry'd he , you villains , did not i bid you have a care not to mistake ; and don 't you deserve to have your throats cut for offering this rudeness to a lady who deserves respect from all mankind ? the poor footmen , who had fallen so hastily upon the coach , seeing it had all the marks the page had given them , and sound within it a lady of so much beauty , which commands veneration even from the most brutal clowns , kept off at a distance to avoid their masters fury , who thought he had reason on his side for what he had done , and that he was kind to them not to cut them to pieces . don sancho begg'd helen's pardon , and acquainted her with the occasion why those sons of a thousand whores his footmen had attackt her so rudely , which she knew as well as himself . see , i beseech you madam , says he , in what premunires these rascals may engage their masters ; had not i happen'd to be with them , these blockheads upon a few foolish marks would have set the whole country in an uproar , rais'd the mob , and by meer force have carry'd you to toledo for a thief : not but that you are one , ● cries our gentleman , smoothing his countenance , but madam , you steal hearts and nothing else . helen thankt heaven within herself for giving her a face that stood her in such stead , by clearing her from the wicked actions she us'd to commit , and recovering out of her fright , answer'd don sancho with a great deal of modesty and in few words , knowing that to take a world of pains to clear ones self of a thing that is laid to ones charge , rather encreases than lessens the suspicion . don sancho was surpriz'd to find that treasure by meer accident , which he had so violently long'd to see , and was such a fool as to think that heaven favour'd his passion , since it hinder'd him from going back to toledo , as it had been in his thoughts , which had he done , he had miss'd this happiness . he ask'd helen what her name was , and where she liv'd in madrid , and begg'd her to give him leave to wait on her , that he might by his actions confirm the services he offer'd her . helen told him both false ; adding , that she should think herself very happy to be honour'd with his visits . he offer'd to see her safe home , but she wou'd by no means consent to it , representing to him that she was marry'd , and that her husband was to meet her on the road , and whisper'd him in the ear , that she was afraid even of her domesticks , but much more of her husband 's jealous temper . this small confidence she seem'd to repose in him made don sancho believe that she did not hate him . he took his leave of her , and carry'd swifter by his hopes than by his trusty steed ( if i may be allow'd so to express my self ) made the best of his way to madrid . he no sooner arriv'd there , but he enquir'd after helen , and her habitation , by the marks she had given him . his foot-men were founder'd in looking after her , nay , he employ'd all his friends upon this occasion , but to no purpose . when helen , montafar , and the venerable mendez came to madrid , their first care was how to get out of it . they knew well enough that it wou'd be impossible for them to escape the toledo cavalier , and that if they stay'd to give him a more particular knowledge of their merits , they shou'd find him as dangerous an enemy , as then they took him to be their humble admirer . helen dispos'd of all her moveables , and the next day after her arrival bought pilgrims habits for herself and companions . in this equipage they beat the hoof towards burgos , where mendez was born , and where she had a sister of her own profession still living . in the mean time , don sancho lost all hopes of meeting with helen , and return'd to toledo , but so confounded and ashamed , that he did not speak one word from madrid till he came to his own house . after he had saluted his wife , who gave him a thousand caresses , she shew'd him a letter from his brother , who liv'd in one of the finest cities in spain , where he had very good preferment in the cathedral church , and was one of the richest clergy-men in all the country , wherein he sent him word that he was at the point of death . so he stay'd but a night at toledo , and took post , either to contribute to his brother's recovery , or in case he died , to take possession of his estate . in the mean time helen pursued her journey to burgos , being as much dissatisfied with montafar , as she had formerly loved him . he had shewn so little bravery , when don sancho and his footman stopt their coach , that she did not question but that he was a rank coward . this render'd him so odious to her , that she could scarce endure his sight , her thoughts were wholly employ'd how to deliver herself from this domestick tyrant , and she flatter'd herself with hopes that she should soon get out of his clutches . it was the venerable mendez that first put it into her head , and fortified this pious resolution , with all the reasons her prudence cou'd suggest to her . this industrious matron was vext to the heart to see a lazy useless lubber command her , govern helen , and enjoy all the fruits of their labour , while he did nothing himself . she incessantly represented to helen the unhappiness of her condition , which she compar'd to that of slaves working in the mines , who enrich their masters with the gold they dig out of the earth with incredible labour and hardship , and instead of being the betber treated for it , are commonly rewarded with drubs and bastinadoes : she continually preach'd to her , that beauty was a good of a short duration , and that her looking-glass , which shew'd her nothing now but what was amiable , and never spoke to her but to her advantage , wou'd in a short time present her with a sight that wou'd not please her , and tell her most dismal news . madam , says she to her , a woman that has seen thirty , loses every sixth month one of her charms , and sees some new blemish or wrinkle rise up every day in judgment against her face and body . that wicked thing call'd time makes young women old , and old women wrinkled . if a woman that has enrich'd herself at the expence of her chastity and reputation , yet is for all that despis'd by the world , notwithstanding her wealth and fortune , think how wretched and miserable she must needs be , if she joyns poverty to infamy ; and what reason has she to flatter herself that any one will relieve her in her misery ? if with the money you have acquir'd by certain means that are not approv'd by all the world , you shou'd free an honest fellow out of jayl and marry him , you wou'd do an action pleasing to god and man , and the end of your life wou'd make some sort of atonement for the beginning of it : but you throw away your self and all that you have upon a rascal , who is as villainous as he is cowardly , who makes it his sole ambition to fleece poor women , whom he only gains by his menaces , and keeps under by his tyranny ; now , under the rose be it spoken , this is to squander away ones wealth , on purpose to make ones self the greatest wretch alive , and to take pains to advance ones ruine . by these and such like discourses the judicious mendez , who knew much better how to talk than act , endeavour'd to turn the heroic montafar out of the good affections of the vertuous helen , who had no other reason almost for loving him , but because she had been so long us'd to his company , and who was a woman of too good sense not to approve those reasons in her own thoughts , that the old matron laid before her . in short , they were not urg'd to no purpose . helen receiv'd them in good part , and so much the more readily , as mendez's interest alone was not concern'd in them ; and because at that time montafar was coming up to them , that they might enter guadarrama in a body , the place where they intended to dine , they adjourn'd to a more convenient opportunity , their thinking of ways and means how to give him the slip , and get rid of him . he seem'd to ●e very much disgusted all dinner time , and going to ●ise from table was seized with a great shivering , and afterwards a violent fever , which held him the rest of the day and all night , and increasing upon him next morning , gave helen and mendez some hopes that this lucky distemper might assist their designs . montafar finding himself so weak that he was hardly able to crawl , gave our ladies to understand that they must not stir out of guadarrama , that ●hey must send for a doctor whatever it cost , and must take ●ll imaginable care of him . he spoke this with as much ●aught●●ess and authority , as if he had talk'd to his slaves , ●nd was master of their lives as well as their money . in ●he mean time the fever found a way to his pericranium , ●nd brought him to so low a condition , that if he had not ●all'd now and then for drink , one wou'd have sworn he had been as dead as a door nail . the people of the inn wonder'd why they delay'd so long to send for a confessor to him , when helen and mendez , who did not doubt but this fe●er would give him a lift into the other world , sat on both sides of his bed , where helen began the discourse as follows . ●f thou canst remember , my dear montafar , in what manner thou hast always liv'd with me , to whom thou hast all ●he obligations imaginable , and likewise with mendez , ●enerable for her age and virtue , thou may'st easily ima●ine , that i shall not very much importune heaven to re●tore thee to thy health : but altho i should desire it as hear●ily as i have just reason to wish for thy death , yet the will of heaven must be done for all me , and i ought to offer up ●o it with the utmost resignation what i lov'd most . to deal frankly with thee ( for this is not a time to dissemble ) both of us began to be so weary of thy tyranny , that our parting was not to be avoided , and if providence had not kindly visited thee with this sickness , which will soon do thy business ( for know to thy consolation that thou art riding full gallop to another world ) we wou'd have endeavour'd at least to have settled in some place in spain , where we wou'd have no more thought of thee than if thou hadst never had a being . in short , whatever foolish desire thou mayst have to live , thou oughtst to be very well pleas'd with thy death , since heaven , for reasons unknown to men , gives thee a more honourable end than thou dost deserve , permitting a fever to do that for thee , which either the hang-man does for such villains , or fear for such mean-spirited rascals as thou art . but my dear montafar , before we part for good and all , tell me sincerely once in thy life , didst thou ever think i was such an errant fool as to stay here to watch thee a nights , to give thee thy juleps , thy potions , thy cordials , and administer thy clysters . don't suffer such vanities as these to come into thy noddle so near death , tho it concern'd not only thy health , but that of thy whole family , i wou'd not stay here a quarter of an hour longer . cause thy self to be carry'd to some hospital , and since thou hast always follow'd my advice , don't despise this , which 〈◊〉 the last thou art like to have from me . i mean , my poo● montafar , don't send for a physician , for he will most assuredly forbid thee wine , and that alone , without the help of a fever , is enough to kill thee in twenty four hours . while helen talk'd , the charitable mendez ever now and then felt montafars pulse , put her hand on his forehead , and finding that her mistress had done , she thus reassum'd● the discourse . in truth , signior montafar , your head is as hot as a glass-house , and i am mightily affraid that this distemper will carry you off without giving you leave to reflect on your past life . take me therefore this chaplet , added she , and run over your beads devoutly till your confessor comes . this will do full as well for the discharge of your conscience . but if we may believe the annalists of the hangman of madrid , that have so often employ'd their pens to describe your gallant exploits , your excellence● exemplary life will not require much repentance ; besides heaven will reckon to you without doubt the dolorous perambulation you made in the principal streets of sevil , i● the sight of so many people , and guarded by so many offic●● on horseback , that one wou'd taken you for the 〈◊〉〈◊〉 but that he always marches at the head of them , and you were content at that time to march in the rear . and what may further help to wipe off your scores , is your notable life at sea , where for six years together , you did abun●ance of things pleasing to your maker , working much , eating little , and always in action and what is more consideable , you were scarce twenty years old , when to the great ●dification of the neighbourhood , you began that holy pil●rimage . nor is this all , says our ancient matron , for it is ●ot to be supposed , but that you will be amply rewarded in other world , for the care you have taken in this , that the women that live with you should not be lazy and unactive , ●aking them maintain themselves , not only by the labour of ●heir hands , but by the sweat of their whole body . after ●ll , if you die in your bed , it must be an inexpressible con●lation to you , that you will put a pleasant cheat upon the ●dge of murcia , who swore a great oath that he would ●ake you die in your shoes , who expects to have the satis●hction to see you cut capers in the air , and will be ready 〈◊〉 hang himself , when he comes to hear that you were so ●alicious as to dye of your self , without the help● of a ●ird man. but i lose time in talking to thee , not ●onsidering that 't is high time to begin our journey , which ●e so earnestly desire : and therefore , old friend of mine , ●ceive this embrace with as good a heart as i give it , for ●am of opinion , that we shall see one another no more , as soon as she had concluded this comfortable speech , men●z threw her arms about his neck , helen did the same , ●d thus they went out of the chamber , and soon after out 〈◊〉 the inn. montafar , who had been accustom'd to their ●illery , and could return them a rowland for their oliver ●on occasion , thought that they had said all this only with design to divert him , and had not the least suspicion of ●em when he saw them quit the room , fancying to him●f , that they were gone down to make him some water●uel or posset-drink . after this he fell into a slumber , and ●o he could not be properly said to be fast asleep , yet it held ●m so long , that our damosels were got a league of their ●ay before he awak'd . he ask'd the woman of the inn here they were , who told him that they were gone , and ●d given her orders not to disturb him , because he had not ●pt a wink the night before . montafar then began to be●ve that the lasses had left him in good earnest . he curs'd 〈◊〉 inn-keeper and inn to the pit of hell , he threaten'd even ●e ground they walk'd upon , and the sun that gave them light . he must needs rise to put on his cloaths , but was so feeble that he had like to have broke his neck . the good hostess endeavour'd to excuse the two damosels , and back'd what she said with such impertinent reasons , that it set out sick man a raving like one distracted , and he call'd her all the vile names he could think of . he was so vex'd , that he would not eat a morsel in four and twenty hours ; and this no-diet join'd , with plenty of choler , had that good effect upon him , that after he had recruited himself with 〈◊〉 little water-gruel , he found himself lusty enough to pursue his fugitive slaves . they were got two days journey before him ; but two hackney mules , that were sending back to burgos further'd his design , as much as they ruin'd that of our two pretended pilgrims . he overtook them within s●● or seven leagues of burgos , they changed countenance a● soon as they saw him , and excused themselves as well as they were able . montafar did not seem to be in the ieast angry with them , so great was his joy to have them in his clutche● he laugh'd as heartily as they did at this merry frollick o● theirs , and acted his part so well , that they believ'd him i● their souls to be a down right passive blockhead . he per●swaded them that they had lost the road to burgos , an● leading them among some rocks , where he very well knew that no body would come to interrupt him , he put his ha●● upon a baggoner , to which they had always paid a world o● respect , and told them , like a merciless devil as he wa● that they must immediately deliver all their gold and s●●ver , and jewels . at first they believ'd that their te●● wou'd accommodate the business . helen threw her ar●●● about his neck , and wept most plentifully ; but our ca●●●lier was so haughty , now he had them in his power , that 〈◊〉 was deaf to all their prayers and intreaties , and signi'y'd 〈◊〉 them his last will and pleasure , which was , that they mu●● surrender up all to him in a quarter of an hour ; otherwise they knew what to expect . thus our poor damoseis 〈◊〉 forc'd to sacrifice their purses to their safety , and it was 〈◊〉 the last regret that they parted with their money , whi●● they loved so passionately . but montafar's revenge did 〈◊〉 stop here , for he produc'd certain things call'd cords , 〈◊〉 which he had purposely provided himself ; and binding 〈◊〉 of them to a tree , just over against one another , he 〈◊〉 them with a treacherous smile , that knowing how rem●●● and negligent they had been in doing pennance for the sins , he was resolv'd to give them holy discipline with 〈◊〉 own hands , that they might remember him in their 〈◊〉 he executed his pious design with some broom-branches , and after he had satisfied himself at the expence of their backs , he sat himself down between these two meek-hearted sufferers , and turning himself towards helen , he spoke to her as follows . my dear helen , take not in ill part what i have done , but consider my good intention , and know that every one is bound in conscience to follow his own vocation : t is thine to be malicious ; for alas , the world is compos'd of bad as well good , and 't is mine to punish the malicious . whether i have acquitted my self as i ought , thou knowest better than any one ; and if i have heartily chastis'd thee , be satisfi'd that i as heartily love thee . if my duty did not render me deaf to all pity , i would not leave so vertuous and honourable a damosel naked and tied to a tree , to the mercy of the next passenger . thy illustri●ous birth , with which thou didst lately acquaint me , deserves another destiny ; but thou wilt own , i know , that thou would'st do the same that i have done , if thou wert in my place . what falls out most unlucky for thee is , that being so publick as thou art , thou wilt be soon known ; and ●tis to be fear●d that our magistrates , out of a maxim of po●icy , will order this wicked tree , to which thou art as it were incorporated , to be burnt , together with the wicked fruit it produces ; but know , to thy great comfort , that if thy wicked actions put thee now in bodily fear , the time will come , when it will be a pleasure to thee to relate them , and when among thy other laudable qualities , thou wilt ●ossess that of being able to pass a long winter night , and set●ing folks asleep with the recital of thy famous exploits . but should give the good mendez just occasion to complain of ●ny unkindness , should i address my discourse any longer to ●hee , without taking notice of her : nay , i should be wanting in my duty to my neighbour , if i should not in ●harity give her some advice , that may be useful to her in ●he present posture of her affairs . they are , continues he , ●nd turning himself towards mendez , in a worse condition ●han you imagine , let me perswade you therefore , to recom●end your self seriously to your maker , once in your life at ●ast , since your old founder'd carcass will scarce be able to ●●pport the fatigue of this day ; and on ! that my prayers 〈◊〉 as easily procure you a confessor , as 't is certain that 〈◊〉 want one . not but that your exemplary life may leave our conscience in repose ; you have been so publick-spirited ●d charitable all your days , that instead of censuring 〈◊〉 magnifying the faults of others , you have repaired those of a thousand young maidens ; and since you have taken such pains to study the most darkest and most conceal'd sciences , ought you not to be commended for it ? 't is true , the inquisition has no great kindness for you upon this score , nay , and has given you some publick marks of its displeasure , but you know 't is compos'd of wicked men , and that t is natural for people of the same profession to hate one another . this is not all , for those gentlemen have a very ill opinion of your salvation ; but altho what they say should be true , yet a little time will reconcile one to the worst place that is , even to hell itself , where you may take it for granted , that you will receive all imaginable marks of civility from the inhabitants , having convers'd and dealt with them from your infancy . i have one word more to say to you , and i have done : i might have chastis'd you , madam , after another manner , but i consider'd that old people , according to the proverb turn children again , that your ladiship is old enough to be in your first state of innocence , and therefore whipping was more proper for the little trick of youth you play'd me , than any other chastisement . and thus ladies i take my leave of you , earnestly desiring you to have a care of your dear persons having raillied them in this fashion , good or bad , as the reader pleases , away he went , and left them rather dead than alive , not so much for the grief of their having been whipt , as because all their money was gone , and they were left in a lonely place ty'd to trees , where they must expect to be devour'd by wolves . with these melancholy contemplations in their heads , as they were looking sorrowfully at one another , without saying a word , a hare cross'd the road before them , and some time after a greyhound thundering after poor puss , and a cavalier well mounted thundering after the greyhound . who shou'd this cavalier be but don sancho de villefagnan , who had made a journey to burgos to see his sick brother , and kept him company at a country house not far from thence , whither he had retir'd to take the fresh air : he was extremely surpriz'd to behold two women thus bound to their good behaviour , but much more so , when he found one of them to resemble the beautiful stranger whom he had seen 〈◊〉 toledo , whom he search'd after at madrid , and whom he had ever since perpetually in his mind . being firmly perswade● that she was a woman of quality and marry'd , he doubte● whether this was she , for he cou'd not imagine what shou'● bring her into that part of the world in so wretche'd an equipage ; but helen's face having lost nothing of its former beauty , altho somewhat disorder'd by her fright , made him conclude , that he at last had accidentally met with that treasure , which had cost him so many desires and inquietudes . so he rais'd himself upon his stirrups to see whether the coast was clear , and was fool enough to suspect that this was nothing but a diabolical illusion , which heaven had permitted to punish him for his sensuality . helen on her side was taken up with a thought full as mortifying , and fancied that her ill stars had chosen that unlucky day , to show her to all those that had any thing to say to her . don sancho look'd upon helen with great amazement , and she look'd upon him with no less disorder ; each expected when the other would speak first , and don sancho at last was going to begin the discourse , when a servant came full speed to tell him , that ●ome of his relations were going to ●ill one another . upon this he spurr'd his beast , attended by the servant ; and when he came to the place where a left his company , he found some four or five drunken fellows , calling one another rogue and rascal , with their tilters in their hands , and flourishing them notably in the air , to the prejudice of some neighbouring trees , that lost some of their best branches upon this occasion . don sancho , who was enrag'd to be depriv'd of the charming vision he had so lately seen , did all he could to reconcile these furious and terrible gentlemen ; but all his arguments , his entreaties and his menaces had signify'd little or nothing , had not the wine that over●oaded their brains , and down right lassitude tript up their heels , and left 'em snoring on the ground , as peaceably as if they had never fallen out . don sancho spurr'd his horse towards the happy tree , which kept the idol of his heart , and was at his wits ends , when he saw the women were gone : he turn'd his eyes all about him , to see which way they could be gone , but saw nothing but a lonely melancholy place ; he spurr'd his horse and examin●d every cornere , and at last came back to his beloved tree , which like a good natur'd tree as it was , still kept its old place . but as don sancho was a poet , and what is more , a tender-hearted whining poet , he had not the same indifference for this insensible tree . he alighted therefore from his horse , and harangu'd it after the following manner , or at least he ought to have done so , if he was really so great a coxcomb , as i have been told he was . oh thrice happy trunk ! since thou hast had the honour to be embrac'd by that divine creature , whom i love without knowing her , and whom i know only because i love her . may thy leaves for ever shine among the stars ; let the sacrilegious ax never presume to wound thy tender bark ; may the thunder reverence thy boughs , and the worms of the earth not dare to approach thy root ; let the winter spare , and the spring adorn thee ; let the proudest pines envy thy condition , and lastly , may heaven protect thee . while our worthy gentleman spent himself in these vain contemplations , or if you please , in these poetical follies , which , by the by , are of greater importance than any other , and ought not to be us'd every day in the week , his servants , who knew not what was become of him , after they had look'd for him a pretty while , at last found him and brought him home . he return'd to his brother's house very much concern'd at his late adventure ; and unless i am mistaken , i have heard some people say , that he went supperless to bed . some criticks perhaps will tell me , that i have left my reader too long in suspence , who without question is impatient to know by what strange inchantment helen and mendez came to disappear to the amorous don sancho . but let him have patience , and i will soon inform him . montafar was at first pleas'd with that piece of justice he had done upon the two fugitives ; but no sooner did the heat of his revenge begin to cool , but love inflam'd him , and represented helen to his thoughts , infinitely more charming than he had ever seen her . he consider'd with himself , that the prize he had taken from her would be soon spent , whereas her beauty was a certain revenue to him , so long as he kept well with her , whose absence was already become insupportable to him . so he came back the same way he went , and with those individual barbarous hands , that had so rigorously bound the two dames to the trees , and afterwards had so unmercifully lash'd them , he broke their chains , that is to say , he either cut or unty'd their cords , ( for historians differ ) and set them at liberty , at the same time when don sancho was employ'd not far off , to reconcile his drunken companions , that were in a fair way to cut one anothers throats . montafar , helen and mendez shook hands upon the road , and after they had mutually promis'd to forget all that was pas● , embrac'd with as much tenderness , as if nothing had happen'd ; doing just as your'great persons do , who neither hate nor love , but accommodate these two contrary passions to their interest , and the present state of their affairs , they deliberated which way to take , and 't was agreed , nemin● contradicente , that it was by no means adviseable for them to go to burgos , where they would be in danger of having their quarters beaten up by the toledo cavalier . therefore they pitch'd upon sevil to be the place of their retreat , and fortune seem'd to approve their design ; for coming into the madrid road , they met a muleteer with three empty mules , who agreed to carry them to sevil , at the very first proposal that montafar made him . he took care to regale our damsels upon the road , to make them forget the ill treatment they had receiv'd from his hands . at first they could hardly bring themselves to trust him , and had resolv'd to be reveng'd on him the first opportunity that presented it self ; but at last , rather for reasons of state , than any principle of charity , they became better friends than ever . they consider'd that discord had ruin'd the greatest empires , and believ'd that they were in all probability born for one another . they did not think fit to give any specimen of their profession upon the road to sevil ; for as their design in shifting their country , was only to get at a distance from those that might pursue them , they were afraid of bringing themselves into new trouble , which might hinder them from going to sevil , where they had great designs to put in execution . they alighted within a league of the city , and having satisfy'd the muleteer , got thither about the dusk of the evening , and took up their lodging at the first inn they found . montafar hired a house , furnish'd it with very ordinary furniture , and dress'd himself all in black , with a cassock , and a long cloak of the same colour . helen took the habit of a religious sister , that had devoted herself to works of piety . mendez went dress'd like a saint , valuing herself upon her hoary locks , and a huge monstrous chaplet , each bead of which was big enough to load a demi-culverin . the very next day after their arrival , montafar shew'd himself in the streets , apparell'd as i have already describ'd him , marching with his arms across , and looking on the ground when he met any women . he cry'd out with a shrill voice that was enough to have rent a rock , blessed be the holy sacrament of the altar , and the thrice happy conception of the immaculate virgin , and utter'd many more devout exclamations , with the same everlasting lungs of leather . he made the children whom he met in the street repeat the same words , and assembl'd them sometimes together , to teach them to sing hymns and songs of devotion , and instruct them in their catechism . he repair'd to the goals , and preach'd before the prisoners , comforting some , and relieving others , begging victuals and other provisions for them , and frequently walking to the prison with a heavy basket upon his back . o detestable villain ! thou wanted'st nothing but to set up for a hypocrite , to be the most profligate accomplish'd rascal in the universe . these actions of virtue , in a fellow that was the least virtuous of all mankind , gave him in a little time the reputation of a saint . helen and mendez likewise did all that in them lay to deserve cononization . the one call'd herself the mother , the other the sister of the thrice blessed friar martin . they went every day to the hospitals , and there they assisted the sick , made their beds , wash'd their linnen , and did all this at their own expence . by these means the most vicious people of all spain obtain'd the universal admiration of all sevil. about this time , a gentleman of madrid happen'd to come thither about some private affairs . he had formerly been one of helen's lovers , for women of her character have more than one string to their bow : he knew mendez to be a notorious cheat , and montafar to be no better . one day as they came out of the church together , encompass'd by a great number of persons , who kiss'd their very garments , and conjur'd them to remember them in their prayers , they were known by the aforesaid gentleman , who burning with a christian zeal , and not able to suffer three such notorious impostors to abuse the credulity of a whole city , broke through the crowd , and giving a hearty box on the ear to montafar , you wicked cheats , cry'd he to them , do you neither fear god nor man ? he wou'd have said more , but his good intention , which in truth was somewhat of the rashest , had not the success it deserv'd . all the people fell upon him , whom they believ'd to have committed sacriledge , in offering this violence to their saint . he was beaten down to the ground , and had certainly been torn to pieces by the mob , if montafar by a wonderful presence of mind had not undertaken his protection ; covering him with his body , keeping off those that were most enrag'd against him , and exposing himself even to th●●● blows . my brethren , cry'd he to them as loud as he was able , let the poor wretch alone for the love of god ; be quiet for the love of the blessed virgin. these few words appeas'd this horrible tempest , and the people made room for brother martin , who got up to the unfortunate gentleman , well pleas'd in his heart to see him so us'd , but shewing by his looks that he was mightily concern'd for him . he rais'd him up from the ground , he embrac'd and kiss'd him all cover'd with blood and dirt as he was , and reprimanded the people for their rude behaviour . i am a wicked man , said he to the standers by , i am a sinner , i am one that never did any thing that was pleasing in the eyes of god. do you believe , continu●d he , because you see me drest in this religious garb , that i have not been a robber all my life , the scandal of others , and the destruction of my self ? alas you are mistaken , my brethren : make me the mark of your contumelies , pelt me with stones , and draw your swords upon me . having spoken these words with a counterfeit sorrow , he went to throw himself with a zeal yet more counterfeit than that , at the feet of his enemy , and kissing them , not only begg'd his pardon , but likewise gather'd up his sword , cloak and hat , which he had lost in this confusion . he helpt him on with them , and leading him by the hand to the end of the street , took his leave of him , after he had bestow'd abundance of embraces , and as many benedictions upon him . the poor man was as it were out of himself with what he had seen , and with what had been done to him , and was so full of confusion , that he durst scarce shew his head in the streets all the while his affairs detain'd him at sevil. montafar had won the hearts of all the city by this pretended action of devotion . the people gaz'd at him with admiration , and the children cry'd after him , a saint , a saint , as they cry'd out a fox , a fox , when they saw his enemy in the street . from this moment he liv'd the happiest life in the world : the nobleman , the cavalier , the magistrate , and the prelate perpetually invited him to dinner , and strove who should have most of his company . if he was ask'd his name , he would answer , that he was a beast of burden , a sink of filth , a vessel of all iniquity , and such like noble attributes did his counterfeit devotion dictate to him . when he visited any of the ladies , he complain'd to them incessantly of the nothingness of his dispensation , and the deadness of the inward man ; adding , that he wanted concentration of heart , and recollection of spirit ; in short , he always talkt to them in this magnificent cant , and holy gibberish . no alms were given in sevil but what pass'd through his hands , or those of helen and mendez , who were not wanting on their side , to act their parts to admiration , and stood as fair to obtain the red-letter'd preferment of the almanack , i mean to be sainted , as montafar himself . a lady of quality who was a widow , and devout even to superstition , sent 'em every day two dishes of meat for their dinner , and as many for supper , and these dishes were drest by the best cook in all sevil. their house was too little to receive the numerous presents that were sent to them : a woman that had a mind to be with child put her petition into their hands , that by their mediation it might be presented to the tribunal of heaven : another that had a son in the indies did the same , as likewise a third that had a brother prisoner in algiers . nay , the poor widow who had to contest with a powerful adversary before an ignorant or a covetous judge , did not doubt the success of her cause , when she had once made a present to them according to her ability . some gave them sweetmeats and conserves , others pictures and ornaments for their closet . several charitable persons trusted them with great quantities of linnen and woollen cloath , to dispose among the needy that were asham'd to beg , and with considerable summs of money to distribute as they saw convenient . no one came to visit them with empty hands , and their future canonization was as firmly believ'd as an article of faith. at last , the the credulity of the people ran so high , that they came to consult them about their doubtful affairs , and things to come . helen , who was as subtle as a devil , manag'd all the answers , delivering her oracles in a few words , and those capable of receiving different interpretations . their beds were mean and homely , cover'd in the day time with course blankets , but at night with all the fine furniture that a man could desire , that loves to sleep deliciously ; their house being plentifully furnish'd with good feather-beds , fine coverlids , and in short , with all sorts of moveables that contribute to the convenience and pleasure of life : and all this they pretended was to be given to some poor widow , whose goods were seized in execution , or to furnish some young womans house , who had marry'd without any fortune . their doors were shut up in winter at five , and in summer at seven a clock , as punctually as in a well-regulated convent ; and then the jack was wound up , the spits turn'd merrily round , the capons were set down to the fire , the table was handsomely spread , and our hypocritical triumvirate eat heartily , and drank plentifully their own healths , and those of the people they cheated . montafar and helen lay together for fear of spirits , and their foot-man and the maid , that were of the same complexion , copy'd so pious an example . as for the good mendez , she always lay alone , being more taken up with contemplation than action , even since she had addicted herself to the black art. this was their constant practice of life , instead of employing their time in mental prayer , or doing pennance . 't is no wonder if living so jolly a life , they look'd plump and fat . all the city bless'd heaven for it , and were mightily surpriz'd that persons of so much austerity and self-denial look'd better than those that liv'd in luxury and ease . for the space of three years they deceiv'd the eyes of all the inhabitants of sevil , receiving presents from every one ; and appropriating to their own use the alms that pass'd through their hands , they heap'd together an incredible number of pistoles . all good success was ascrib'd to the efficacy of their prayers ; they stood god-fathers for all children , made matches for all the city , and were the arbitrators of all differences . at last heaven was weary of conniving longer at their impious life . montafar , who was choleric in his temper , us'd frequently to beat his valet , who cou●d not bear it , and had quitted his service a hundred times , if helen , who was more discreet than her gallant , had not prevented it , by appeasing him with fair words and presents . one day he drubb'd him immoderately for little or no reason ; the boy got to the door , and blinded by his passion , ran directly to the magistrates , to inform against these three hypocrites , whom the world took for saints . helen's diabolical spirit misgave her what would happen , so she advised montafar to rub off with all the gold they had in the house , and retire to some place of security , till this tempest , which threatned them , had spent itself . it was no sooner said but put in execution : they carry'd off the most valuable things they had , and walking down the street as unconcern'd as if they dreaded nothing , they went out at one gate , and came in at another , on purpose to lose the scent of their pursuers . montafar had insinuated himself into the good graces of a widow , as vicious and as rank a hypocrite as himself . he had communicated this secret to helen , who was no more jealous of this matron , than montafar would have been of a gallant , that would have promoted the good of their little commonwealth . here they absconded in safety , and lived luxuriously , the widow loving montafar for his own sake , and helen for montafar's . in the mean time the justice was conducted by the vindicative valet to the fam'd mansion of our pretended saints . when he came there he found the birds were flown , and the maid was not able to inform him whither they were gone : however , he sealed up all their trunks , and took an exact inventory of all that was in the house . the serjeants found more provision in the kitchen , than would serve to regale them one day , and you may be sure took care to lose nothing of what they might privately sink to their own use without being observed . in the midst of this bustle the venerable mendez entred the house , little imagining what had happen'd . the serjeants apprehended her , and carried her to prison with a vast concourse of people at her heels . the servant and maid were likewise sent thither to bear her company , and having talked too much , as well as the old matron , they were condemn'd as well as she , to receive two hundred lashes on the back . mendez died three days after this chastisement , it being somewhat of the severest for a person of her age , and the servant and maid were banish●d sevil for their lives . thus the foreseeing helen preserv'd her dearly beloved montafar , and herself from the hands of the magistrates , who sear●chd after them in vain , both within and without the city . the people were all asham'd to be so notoriously cheated , and the ballad-singers who , had sung their praises the week before , employ●d their hackney-sonnetiers to expose these pretended saints in lamentable doggerel . these insects of parnassus exhausted all their little stock of scandal upon this subject , and the wretched rhymes they compos●d against these godly cheats , who , not long before were the idols of the people , are still sung in sevil. montafar and helen took the road to madrid , as soon as they could do it with safety , and arriv●d there rich , and in the circumstances of husband and wife . the first thing they did was , to enquire after don sancho de villefagnan , and finding that he was not in madrid , they appear'd in publick ; he drest as fine as a lord , and she in the equipage of a woman of quality , and as beautiful as an angel. she was marry'd to montafar , as has been said above , but it was upon this condition , that like a husband of good sense and great patience , he should not take ill the visits of her beauty occasion'd her , and she on the otherwise promoters of a good intelligence , between the two sexes , vulgarly call'd bawds , or to speak more honourably of them women of intrigue , soon came acquainted with helen , and directed her how to manage herself . one day they made her shew herself at the play-house , the next day in the park , and sometimes in the high street of madrid in her coach , where bestowing a glance upon one , a smile upon another , and giving hopes to all , she soon furnish'd herself with a set of lovers enough to man a galley . her dear husband religious●y observ'd every article of the original contract ; he encourag'd his wife's bashful gallants by his obliging behaviour , and led them as it were by the hand to her apartment , where he was so courteous and discreet , that he always pretended some extraordinary business or other call'd him out , in order to leave them by themselves . he scorn'd the acquaintance of any that were not , rich and wou'd not spend their money freely , and never knock'd at the door till he was assur'd by a certain signal that always hung out of his window , when his virtuous spouse was taken up in private business , that his presence wou'd spoil no sport ; and if the aforesaid signal forbid his coming in , he trooped off merry and well satisfy'd , as knowing business went on in his absence , and pass'd away an hour or so at some gaming academy , where every one caress'd him for his wife's sake . among the rest that paid tribute to helen , a certain gentleman of granada surpass'd all his competitors in his excess of love and his expences . he was descended of so good a family , that the titles of his nobility were to be found in the archives of the capital city of iudea , and those that were particularly acquainted with his pedigree , have affirm'd , that his ancestors were the hang-men of ierusalem , both before and after caiphas . his great affection to helen made him release a great number of pistoles , ou● of an obscure dungeon , where he had imprison'd them for many years . in a short time helen's house was the best furnish'd of any in madrid . a coach and four that cost her nothing the keeping , came punctually every morning to her door to receive her orders , and waited on her where she pleas'd to command them till night . this ●rodigal lover took one of the side boxes at the play-house . ●or her for a whole twelvemonth , and scarce a day pass'd over ●is head , but he provided some magnificent collation for her ●●nd her friends , at one of the summer-houses near madrid . montafar who lov'd his belly like a church-man , never ●all'd to make one of the number . he went as fine as a ●rince , had as much money in his pocket as a clerk of the ●reasury , eat like a french-man , and drunk like a german . ●e pay'd a wonderful deference to our granada gentle●an , who was so liberal of his money , and indeed had na●rally an esteem for persons of that character . but at ●st the wind veer'd about , and rais'd a terrible storm . he●●●● now and then us'd to receive visits from a young swag●ring spark , one of those furious heroes that never made . campaign in their lives , tho they talk of nothing but slash●●g and killing , but live upon some wretched harlot , whom they insult at discretion , who go every day to the play-house , to pick pockets , or make quarrels there , and at night draw their swords and hack them against some passive wall , swearing next morning that they were engag'd in a dangerous rencounter the night before with at least half a dozen bullies at once . the sage montafar often told helen , that he was not pleas'd to see such a visitant in his house , from whom they cou'd expect nothing ; but for all he cou'd say to her , she was not in the mind to part with her gallant . montafar was angry with her , and to make himself some amends out of her carcass , treated her with the same chastisement , which mendez of happy memory and she had formerly suffer'd in the mountains of burgos . helen pretended to be easily reconcil'd to him , but meditated revenge in her heart . the better to accomplish her design , she caress'd him so lovingly for eight days together , that montafar perswaded himself she was one of those tractable women that adore their tyrants , and use their humble servants scurvily . one day that our granada gallant had promis'd to sup with them , but by reason of some unexpected business , could not come to the noble entertainment he had provided for them , montafar and helen drank hand to fist several bumpers to their benefactor , to whom they were oblig'd for all this good chear . montafar got fuddled according to his laudable custom , and towards the end of the repast , must needs taste a bottle of perfum'd hipocrass , which the gentleman had sent them as an extraordinary present . it is not certainly known whether helen , who opened the bottle before supper , put any poisonous drugs into it : but this is agreed on all hands , that soon after montafar had empty'd it , he felt a strange heat in his bowels , and intolerable pains after that . he suspected that he was poison'd , and ran towards his sword , at the same time that helen ran towards the door , to avoid his fury . montafar went in to his chamber , thinking she had hid herself there , and lifting up the tapestry , he discover'd helen's young gallant , who without any more ceremony whipt him through the guts . montafar , tho h● had receiv'd his death's wound , held him fast by the throat . the servants made such a hellish noise with crying out murder , that the justice coming that way ran into the house , just as the young bravo , who had done montafar's business for him , was making his escape . in the mean time helen , who had got into the street , and knew not which way to take , ran into the first house she found open . she saw a light in a lower room , and a cavalier walking up and down in it . without asking him any questions , she threw herself at his feet to implore his assistance and protection , and was strangely surpriz'd to find it was don sancho de villefagnan , who on his part was no less astonish'd to see the idol of his heart , this being the fourth time of his meeting with her by accident . don sancho had lately fallen out with his wife , who had procur'd herself to be divorc'd from him upon the score of his ill usage of her , and his disorderly life . he had obtain'd a commission at court to go and settle a new colony in the indies , and was to embark at sevil in a short time . while helen told him a thousand lies , and he was ravish'd to find she was ready to follow him into america : the justice apprehended the assassin of montafar , and made a strict search after helen in madrid , and seiz'd all that he could find in her house . don sancho and helen arriv'd happily in the indies , where several adventures befel them that cannot be contain'd in so short a volume , and which i promise to oblige the public with , under the name of the perfect courtezan , or the modern lais , if i find the world inclin'd to receive it . novel iv. the innocent adultery . the spanish court was very much be-daggled and be-mir'd at valladolid , where they are as much be-daggled as they are at paris , according to the observation of a famous spanish poet , when in one of the coldest nights of a very cold winter , and about the time when most of ou● convents ring to mattins , a young gentleman , don garci● by name , came out of a house where he had spent the evening in conversation , or else in play . he was now got into the street where he lodg'd , and although the night was exceeding dark , because the sky was overcast , yet he had no light with him , whether it was because his footman had lost his link , or because he was a gentleman that did not stand upon these punctilio's , when a door open'd all 〈◊〉 the sudden , and he saw some body thrown out of it with so much violence as to fall on the other side of the way where he was . if he was surpriz'd at so odd an adventure , he was much more so , when going to lend his hand to th●● person that was so rudely treated , he perceiv'd that s●● was in her smock , and heard her sigh and lament herself without making the least effort to rise . he concluded she was hurt with the fall , and with the help of his footm●● having set her on her legs again , he desir'd to know where● he might serve her . 't is in your power to save both 〈◊〉 life and honour , answer'd this unknown person , in a 〈◊〉 interrupted with frequent sobbs , and which discover'd 〈◊〉 him that she was a woman . i conjure you , added she , 〈◊〉 the same generosity that inclin'd you to pity my misfortun● to carry me to some place of security , provided that not but yourself , or such whose fidelity you can trust , 〈◊〉 know where i am . don garcias cover'd her with his 〈◊〉 and commanding his footman to hold her upon one side , as he did on the other , he soon arriv'd at his lodging , where every one was gone to bed but the maid , who open'd the door , and very heartily curs'd them for making her sit up so late . all the answer the footman made her was to blow out the candle , and while she went to light it , and call'd him a hundred rogues for his pains , don garcias conducted , or rather carry'd the afflicted lady , who could scarce make a shift to stand , to his room , which was up one pair of stairs . his man soon brought a light , and then don garcas beheld one of the most beautiful women in spain , who at the same time inspir'd him with love and compassion . her hair was as bright and as black as jet , her complexion a mixture of lillies and roses , her eyes two suns at least , her ●reast above all comparisons , her arms admirable , her hands much more than her arms , and her shape like that of a queen of one 's own creating : but this black hair was in dis●●der , this charming complexion was eclipsed , these piercing yes were full of tears , these incomparable breasts were ●oody , these arms and hands were in no better a pickle ; in ●ort , this fine body so delicately shap'd was cover'd all over ●ith black and blue marks , as if it had undergone the disci●ine of a dog-whip or a cat-of-nine-tails , or something as 〈◊〉 as that . if don garcias was ravish'd to behold so beau●●●ul a creature , this beautiful creature was as much con●●n'd to see herself in her present circumstances , in the ●wer of an unknown gentlemen , who seem'd not to be 〈◊〉 twenty five years old . he was sensible of it , and did 〈◊〉 that in him lay to perswade her that she had no reason to 〈◊〉 any ill usage from a man , who should think himself 〈◊〉 to dye in her service . in the mean time his foot●●● made a little coal-fire , for in spain they use scarce any 〈◊〉 firing , which by the by is none of the best in the world . 〈◊〉 laid a pair of clean sheets , or at least he ought to have 〈◊〉 them , on his master's bed , who wishing the lady a 〈◊〉 night , left her in possession of his chamber , which he able lock'd , and went to lye , under what pretence i can 〈◊〉 tell you , because our history is here silent , with a 〈◊〉 of his acquaintance , that lodg'd in the same house . slept in all probability much better than his guest , who at all night long . the day appear'd , don garcias arose , drest himself as spruce as a courtier for a ball. he list●●● at his chamber door , and hearing the poor lady still 〈◊〉 herself , he made no difficulty to come in . as soon 〈◊〉 saw him , her grief attack'd her with new violence . you see , says she to him , a woman who was yesterday the most esteem'd in valladolid , now infamous to the last degree , and that more deserves to be pity'd , than ever she did to be envy'd ; but let my misfortune be never so great , the charitable protection you have so seasonably given me , may still alleviate it in some measure , if at night you will see me conducted in a chair or coach to a certain convent i shall name to you . but , continu'd she , after so many obligations ought i to beg the favour of you to step to my house , and inform yourself what is said and done there , and in short to know in what manner the court and city talks of an unfortunate woman , whom you have so generously protected . don garcias offer'd to go where-ever she wou'd be pleas'd to command him , with all the eagerness of a man who begins to be in love . she gave him all the instructions that were necessary upon this occasion : he took his leave of her , promising to return immediately , and the poor lady fell a weeping and lamenting herself as violently as if she had begun but that very moment . don garcias did not stay a full hour before he came back , and finding his beautiful guest as much afflicted , as if she already knew that he had ill news to impart to her : madam , says he to her , if you are eugenia , the wife of don sancho , i have something to tell you which nearly concerns you . eugenia , is not to be found , do● sancho is in the hands of the magistrate , accus'd for the death of his brother don lewis . sancho is innocent , cries she , i am the unfortunate eugenia , and don lewis was the most wicked of all men . her tears which trickled down a pace , and her sighs which redoubled their violence , woul● not give her leave to say any more ; and in all probability don garcias was not a little perplexed all this while , 〈◊〉 put on a sorrowful air to keep her company . at last , ● violent things are never of long continuance , eugenis grief began to abate , she wip'd her tears , her sighs 〈◊〉 gentler than before , and she reassum'd the discourse in 〈◊〉 following words . 't is not enough that you know 〈◊〉 name and quality of the unhappy woman , whom you ha●● so highly oblig'd in so short a time , she is willing to 〈◊〉 quaint you with the particulars of her life , and to testify 〈◊〉 some manner her gratitude to you , by reposing this co●●dence in you . i am , continu'd she , descended from one 〈◊〉 the best families of valladoli●d . i was born rich , and 〈◊〉 beauty enough to make me proud of it with some 〈◊〉 the charms of my person brought me more lovers 〈◊〉 those of my fortune , and the reputation of both toget●●● gave me adorers in the remotest cities of spain . among the rest who believ'd they should be happy in possessing me , don sancho , and don lewis , two brothers , equally befriended by fortune and nature , signaliz'd themselves by the excess of their passion , and by the mutual emulation there was between them , who should render me the most important services . my relations declar'd themselves in favour of don sancho , who was the eldest , and my inclination following their choice , i gave up my self intirely to a man of above forty years old , who , by the sweetness of his temper , and the extraordinary care he took to please me , had made as great a progress in my affections , as 't was possible for any person , whose age had been better suited to my own . the two brothers , notwithstanding they were rivals , had all along liv'd very amicably together , and don sancho when he had marry'd me , did not lose the friendship of his brother don lewis . their houses were contiguous , or properly speaking , were but one house , for ●he wall that divided them , had a door , which by com●on consent was always left open . don lewis did not ●orbear to pay the same devoirs to me before his brother , as 〈◊〉 had done while he was his rival , and don sancho , whose ●ove encreas'd after possession , and who lov'd me better ●an his life , was not in the least offended at his gallan●●y . he himself was us'd to call me the mistress of his bro●●er , who on his side made a real love pass for a feign'd ●e , with so much address , that i was not the only person ●at was deceiv'd by it . in short , after he had accustom'd 〈◊〉 to hear him talk of his passion before company , he ●oke to me of it in private with so much importunity , ●d so little respect , that i no longer doubted that his ●ssion was criminal . as young as i was , i had discretion ●ough to make him still think that i took his love to be on●meant in mirth . i made a jest of what he spoke in ear●t , and though i was never more enrag'd than at that 〈◊〉 , yet i forc'd my self as well as i could , not to lose my ●inary temper . he was provok'd at it , instead of 〈◊〉 a right use of it , and looking upon me with his eyes , 〈◊〉 his wicked designs had made wild and staring ; no 〈◊〉 madam , says he to me , i feign much less since i have 〈◊〉 you , than i did when i had some hopes to possess you ; 〈◊〉 tho your rigour is great enough to deliver you soon ●n the importunities of your lover , yet you have so long ●●stom'd me to suffer , that you will do much better — never to be alone with you if i can help it , said i interrupting him . one of my women that came into my room at that time , hindred him from carrying his insolence farther , and me from shewing him my resentment of it as it deserv'd , and i was going to do . i was afterwards very glad that i did not do it , as well for my husband's sake , as because i was in hopes that this wicked brother would at last love me less , and come to esteem me more ; but still he continu'd to make feign'd love before company , and to sollicit me in private . i combated his transports with all the severity i cou'd summon to my help ; nay , so far as to threaten him to acquaint his brother with it . i us'd all my address to cure him of this folly . i pray'd , i wept , i promis'd to love him as my brother , but he wou'd be lov'd as a lover . in short , sometimes a sufferer , sometimes ill-treated , but always as much in love as he was hated , he had made me the most unhappy woman in spain , if my conscience , that can reproach me with nothing , had not preserv'd tranquillity in my soul. but at last my virtue , which had all along so well defended me against so dangerous an enemy , abandon'd me , because i abandon'd it first , and helpd to betray my self . the court came to valladolid , and brought all its gallantry along with it . as all new things are apt to please , our ladies fancy'd they saw more in the courtiers than they could find in the city-gallants , and the courtiers endeavour'd to please our ladies , whom perhaps they look'd upon as assur'd conquests . among the other cavaliers that attended the court , in hopes of being recompenc'd for their services , a portuguese , whose name was andrada , had render'd himself one of the most considerable , by his wit and good mein , but much more by his expensive way of living , th● most efficacious charm to gain women of no experience who judge of the beauty of the soul by that of the equip● or habits : he had no great fortune of his own , but pla● made him master of that of other people , and his gains th● way were so considerable , that he made as great a 〈◊〉 as the richest and most magnificent nobleman at court. ● was unfortunate enough to please him , and when my 〈◊〉 vanity , backt by his continual addresses , had perswade● me that i was not disagreeable to him , i reckon'd myse● the happiest woman upon earth . i can hardly expre● to you how well he knew to make himself be belov'd , ● to what excess i lov'd him . my husband , so good , ● dear , and so respected , became to me in a little time ● contemptible as odious . don lewis appear'd more hate● to me than ever . in short , nothing pleas'd me but andrada . i lov'd none but him , and in all places where i did not see him , i surpriz'd all the company with my distractions , and restless behaviour . andrada on his side lov'd me full as passionately . his predominant passion for play gave way to his love : his presents gain'd my women ; his letters and his verses charm'd me , and his serenades set all the husbands in our street a thinking for whom they were design'd . in short , he attackt me so well , or i defended my self so ill , that i surrendred . i promis'd him all that it lay in my power to give him , so that now we had no other difficulty to surmount , but that of a convenient time and place . my husband had engag'd in a hunting match , which would keep him several days in the country . i sent to acquaint my dear portuguese with this news , and we agreed to execute our amorous designs that very night , after my husband was gone out of town . i was to leave at a certain hour the back-door of our garden open , and under pretence of passing part of the night there , by reason of the excessive heats , i was to set up a field-bed in a little summer-house , that was open on all sides , and encompass'd with orange trees and jessamines . at last my husband quitted valladolid , and that day seem'd to me the longest i ever knew . the night came , and my women having set me up a bed in the garden , i pretended to be very sleepy , and as soon as my maids had undress'd me . i commanded them all to go to bed , except one chamber-maid , who knew the secret of my amour : i had scarce laid me down , and the maid , whose name was marina , had scarce shut the garden-door that fac'd the house , and open'd the back door , when my women came to tell me that my husband was coming . i had but just time enough to shut the garden door , which i had order'd to be left open for andrada . my husband caress'd me as he us'd to do , and you may may imagine how i receiv'd him . he told me that he was forc'd to come back , because the gentleman , who had invited him to the sport , had unluckily fallen from his horse , and broken his leg. after this he commended my judgment for choosing so cool and refreshing a place , and concluded that he would take up his quarters there . he got himself undrest at the same time , and came to bed to me . i did all i could to conceal my vexation for his return , and to shew him by my feign'd embraces that his were not ungrateful to me . in the mean time andra●a came at the hour of assignation , and finding the door shut , which he thought to have found open , by the help of his valet he leapt over the garden-wall , where he had hop'd to pass the night with me . he has confess'd to me since , that his jealousie put him upon so hardy and dangerous a design ; that he did not doubt but that some happy and better belov'd rival enjoy'd that happiness , which i had promis'd him . these suspicions of his , that perhaps i diverted my self at his expence with another gallant , so inflam'd his anger , that he was resolv'd to use me ill , in case he found what he suspected to be true , and to revenge himself upon his rival to the last extremity . he crept up to the summer-house , where we lay together , as softly as he cou'd . the moon shone very bright , i saw him , and knew him as soon as he came in : he saw that i was very much affrighted , and made a sign to him to be gone . at first he cou'd not discern , whether the person , that was in bed with me , was my husband or some one else ; but observing in my countenance less fear than confusion and shame , and seeing upon the table the cloaths and plume of feathers , which he had seen my husband wear that very day , and which were as singular as they were remakable , he saw satisfied that it was don sancho , whom he saw a bed with me , and found him to be faster asleep than a gallant in all probability would have been . however , he drew near that part of the bed where i lay , and stole a kiss from me , which i could not well hinder , considering the fear i was in , lest my husband should awake . he had no mind to keep me longer in this fright , but went away , lifting up his eyes to heaven , shrugging his shoulders , and shewing all the marks of a man that was deeply afflicted at this disappointment , and leapt back again over the garden-wall , with the same facility as before . early in the morning i received the most passionate letter from him that i ever read , accompany'd with a pretty copy of verses upon the tyranny of husbands . he spent the remainder of the night , after he had parted with 〈◊〉 writing them , and next day when i receiv'd them , 〈◊〉 could hardly do any thing else but read them over and over● as oft as i could do it in private . neither of us sufficient●● reflected upon the hazard we had run , to make it a wanting to us not to expose our selves so any more . but altho● had not been inclin'd of my self to grant him all that ● asked of me , or had loved andrada less than i did , or had not yielded to the insinuating flattery of his letters , yet could not have resisted the perswasion of my chamber-maid who talkt to me incessantly in his favour . she repreach'● me with want of resolution , which had made me think no more of andrada , and talk'd of the passion he had for me with the same vehemence , as she could have told a sweet-heart of her own , what a kindness she had for him . by this i found that she was not to learn her trade now , and likewise saw of what importance it is to be careful in the choice of those persons , that are plac'd about those of my age and condition . but i was resolv'd to ruin my self , so that if she had been more vertuous than she was , she had enjoy'd a less share in my confidence . at last she over-perswaded me to receive andrada in a dressing-room near my chamber , where she lay by herself ; and we agreed that so soon as my husband was fast asleep , she should lye by him in my place , while i pass'd the night with andrada . thus we got him conceal'd into my dressing-room ; my husband fell asleep , and i prepar'd to meet my lover with all the emotions of one whose desires are violent , yet who has a great deal to fear , when a terrible noise of confus'd voices that cry'd out fire , fire , alarm'd my ears , and wak'd my husband : at the same time my chamber was all in a smoke , and i cou'd perceive the flames through my windows . a negro maid , that serv'd in the kitchen , had set it on fire being drunk , and it was not perceiv'd till it had taken hold of some dry wood , and the neighbouring stables , and now had seiz'd the boards of my apartment : my husband was very well belov'd : in an instant the house was full of neighbours that came to help us to quench the fire . my brother-in-law don lewis , whom the common danger had made more active and diligent than the rest , was one of the first that helpt us with his servants , and push'd on by his passion , made his way into my chamber through the flames , that had already seiz'd the stair-case . he was in his shirt , and had nothing over it but his night-gown , in which he wrapt me up , and taking me between his arms , who might more properly be said to be dead than alive , for the danger to which andrada was expos'd , rather than for my own ; he carry'd me to his own room , through the communication his house had with ours , and setting me down upon his bed , left me there , accompany'd 〈◊〉 some of my women . in the mean time my husband , and all that had concern'd themselves in this accident , that had 〈◊〉 us , bestirr'd themselves so notably , that the fire was ●ut out , after it had done a great deal of damage . andrada made his escape without difficulty among the crowd and 〈◊〉 of people that came to help us ; and you may imagine how joyful i was when marina told me the agreeable news . he writ to me a hundred foolish things the next day , which i answer'd with more transport than he had shewn ; and thus we made a shift by writing to one another to soften and relieve that pain , which absence gave us . after we had repair'd all the mischief that the fire had done us , and i had left don lewis's room to return to my own , andrada easily perswaded me to let him try the same way once more , which had not fail'd the last time but for so unfortunate and unexpected an accident . that very night we pitcht upon to make ourselves full amends for the time which the fire had made us lose , a cavalier of my husband's acquaintance , who was in some trouble about a duel , and had fled to an ambassadors house , where he did not think himself safe enough from the civil magistrate , was oblig'd to abscond somewhere else . my husband carry'd him privately to his own house , and took himself the key of the street door , which he caus'd to be lock'd before his face , lest any servant through treachery or indiscretion shou'd discover the place of his retirement . this order , at which . i was equally surpriz'd and troubled , was unluckily put in execution just as andrada made the signal in the street , which he had told marina of before . the poor maid was in a strange confusion , what to do , and made him a sign from a low lattice window to stay a moment . we deliberated upon the matter a little , and afterwards she went and told him in a low voice what new obstacle our ill-natur'd destiny had trumpt up to oppose our design ; so she propos'd to him to stay till all our people were gone to bed , and then he should try to get in through one of the kitchin windows , which she wou'd open for him . nothing seem'd difficult or dangerous to andrada , provided he cou'd satisfie his love . my husband saw his friend to bed , and went to bed himself in good time , after the example i set him ; all our servants did the same ; and marina , when she thought the whole family was fast asleep , open'd the little window for andrada , who with all the ease in the world got half way through , but so indiscreetly or unfortunately , that after several efforts , which rather did him a mischief than help● him , he stuck fast by the wast between the iron bars of the window , without being able to stir backward or forward . his valet could not help him from the street , no more cou'd marina from the place where she was , without some one else to assist her . so she went to call up one of the maids , in whom she cou'd repose confidence , and told her that she had been over-perswaded that night by her sweet-heart , whom she lov'd intirely , and was to marry in a little time , to try to let him in at the kitchin window , but that he stuck so fast in the iron bars , that there was no getting him out without filing them , or wrenching them out of their place . she desir'd her therefore to assist her in this extremity , to which the other readily consented , but for want of a hammer or some such iron utensil , andrada had not been a farthing , the better for the help of these two wenches , if he had not be thought himself of his ponyard , which did the business so effectually , that after a great deal of struggling and sweating the iron bars were by main strength wrested from the wall , and my gentleman deliver'd from the terrible fear of being found so scandalously wedg'd in a place , where he cou'd be taken for nothing else but a house-breaker . however , this cou'd not be done with so little noise but that some of the servants heard it , and look'd into the street , at the same time when andrada carrying with him the iron hoop , which inclos'd him about the wast , rubb'd off as hard as he cou'd drive , attended by his foot-man . the neighbours and our servants cry'd out stop thief after them , and made no question but that some villains had attempted to rob don sancho's house , especially when they saw the iron bar gone . in the mean time andrada got safe to his lodgings , and was forc'd to file off the iron bar , which grip'd him as close as a belt ; for notwithstanding all the tricks that his man and he play'd , there was no getting it off otherwise . this third accident put him in a very ill humour , as i came to be inform'd afterwards . as for me , i took it quite otherwise , and while marina , not yet recover'd from her fright , told me the story , i thought i shou'd have kill'd my self with laughing . however , i was no less concern'd than he , at this series of disappointments , which rather inflam'd than cool'd our desires , and wou'd not let us defer the happy minute of enjoyment any longer , than the very next day after this pleasant but unlucky adventure . my husband was in the city , endeavouring to make up his friends business for him , which in all probability would keep him there the remaining part of the day . i sent trusty marina to andrada's lodg●●gs , that were not far from my house , she found him a 〈◊〉 , still discompos'd with the fatigues of the last night , and 〈◊〉 dejected by these unlucky crosses in his amours , that ma●●na was partly scandaliz'd to see with what coldness he re●eiv'd the advances i made him , and to find him so backward 〈◊〉 give me the meeting , altho she often assured him , that 〈◊〉 was an opportunity that was not to be lost . to make short of my story at last he came , and i receiv'd him with all the transports of joy which a woman wholly abandon'd to her passion can feel . i was so blinded by it that i did not perceive , as well as marina did , with what indifference he made his approaches to me , altho it was too visible . however my embraces at last drew on his . hitherto our mutual joy could not be otherwise exprest than by our silence , and the thoughts of what each of us desired with so much ardour , put me into so great a confusion , that i cou'd not look andrada in the face , and by this means gave him an opportunity to attempt what he pleased , when marina , who like a discreet chamber-maid had gone out of my room to be upon the watch , came in all affrighted , and told me my husband was come home . she carried andrada into my dressing room , rather dead than alive , and seeming to be much more concern'd than my self , altho i had more reason to be so . my husband gave some orders to his people below before he came up into my chamber . in this interval i had just time enough to compose my self , and marina to empty a great coffer full of lumber , into which she put the despairing andrada she had scarce stow'd up her lover in this little sanctuary , when my husband came into my room , and only kissing me as he pass'd by , without any farther , stay went into my dressing room , where he found a book of plays and unhappilly open'd it . he lighted upon a place that pleas'd him , and had engag'd him to read longer , if marina had not advis'd me to go to him , and try to bring him into my chamber . my misfortune did not stop here , for don sancho , finding me strangely discompos'd and thoughtful , as i had but too much reason to be , endeavour'd by his own good humour to put me in a better . never in his life did he take so much pains to divert and please me as now , and never did he vex and importune me more . i begg'd him to quit my chamber , pretending to be so sleepy that i could not hold up my eyes ; but by an unseasonable fit of pleasantry which was not usual with him neither , he kept me company in spite of what i cou'd say to him , and tho he was the most complaisant man alive in his temper , yet he show'd so littl● of it then , that i was forc'd to turn him out . as soon as 〈◊〉 had lock'd my chamber door , i ran into my dressing room to deliver andrada out of his prison . marina open'd in a● hast the coffer wherein she had put him , and both of us had like to have died of fear and grief , 〈◊〉 we found him without pulse and without motion lik● a dead man , and so in effect he was according to all appearance . imagine to your self what terrible agonies thi● fight gave me , and what measures it was possible for me to take in so cruel an extremity . i wept , i tore my hair , i grew desperate , i believe i had resolution enough to stabb my self with andrada's ponyard , if my excessive grief had not so enfeebled me , that i was forc'd to throw my self upon marina's bed . this maid , altho she was concern'd to the last degree , yet preserved her judgment better than i did , in this our common misfortune , and bethought herself how to remedy it , which for my part i wanted strength to execute , altho my reason had not been disorder'd in the least . she told me that perhaps andrada was only in a swoon , and that a chirurgeon either by bleeding , or some other speedy relief might restore him that life , which he seem'd to have lost . i look'd upon her without returning her any answer , my grief having in a manner made me stupid . marina lost no time in asking me more questions , but went to put in execution what she had propos'd to me ; but no sooner had she open'd the door with this intention , but my brother-in-law don lewis pop't in upon us , and this second disaster was more terrible than the first . altho the body of andrada had not been expos'd to his view , as it was , yet the confusion and surprize he might read in our faces , wou'd have told him that we had been engag'd in some myssterious affair , which he wou'd not have failed to examine to the bottom , being so much interess'd in me as he was , both as a brother-in-law and a lover . i was therefore obliged to throw my self at the feet of a man , whom i had often beheld at mine , and relying upon the love which he had for me , and upon his generosity , the essential quality of every gentleman , to resign the dearest thing i had in the world intirely to his will. he did what he could to raise me up , but being resolved to continue upon my knees , i frankly told him , as well as my tears and sighs wou'd give me leave , what a sad accident had befallen me , at which i don 't at all question but he was pleas'd in his heart . don lewis , said i to him , i don't implore thy generosity now to prolong my life a few days : my misfortunes have made it so odious to me , that i wou'd take it away myself , were i not afraid that my despair cou'd not effect it , but at the expence of my honour , from which that of don sancho , and even his life are perhaps inseparable . thou may'st believe , that the disdain i have all along shown thee , was rather the effect of my aversion than of my virtue , thou may'st rejoyce at my disgrace , nay and glut thy revenge with it ; but darest thou reproach me with a crime , which thou hast so often tempted me to commit , and canst thou want indulgence for her , who has so often shown it to thee ? don lewis wou'd not let me go on , but madam , says he to me , you see that heaven has justly punish'd you for bestowing your affections upon one , whom you ought to have hated : but i have no time to lose , that i may convince you , by drawing you out of this premunire , that you have not a better friend in the world than don lewis . having said this , he left me , and return'd a moment after with two porters , whom he had order'd to be sent for . marina and i , in the mean time had put andrada's body again into the great coffer . don lewis lent a helping hand to put it on the fellow's shoulders , and bid them carry it to a certain friend's house , to whom he had discover●d this adventure , as he had before trusted him with the secret of his amour . here , after he had before taken andrada's body out of the coffer , he ordere'd it to be laid at full length upon a table , and while they were taking off his cloaths he felt his pulse , and put his hand on that part of his breast , where the palpitation of the heart is best to be discover'd , and found there were still some sparks of life left in him . he sent for a chyrurgeon in all haste , while in the mean time they put him to bed , and employ'd all the remedies that were proper to bring him to himself again . 〈◊〉 ●ort , he came to himself , and was blooded . a servant was left to attend him , and the company quitted the room to afford time to nature and rest to compleat that cure , which their remedies had so successfully begun . you may imagine how great andrada's surprize was , when after so long a deliquium he found himself in bed , and cou'd only remember what a fright he was in , when they put him into the coffer ; he knew not where he was , nor what he had to hope or fear . he was taken up with these mortifying thoughts , when he heard the chamber door open , and when the curtains were drawn , he saw by the light of some tap●● , that were brought into the room , don lewis , whom he very well knew to be my brother-in-law , and who having taken a chair , spoke to him as follows . am i a stranger to you signior andrada , and don 't you know , that i am brother to don sancho ? yes replied andrada , i know you well enough . and do you remember , cries don lewis , what happen'd to you to day at his house ? take my word for t , continues he , that if you pretend any more to carry on your intreagues with my sister-in-law , or if i ever see you more in our street , you shall sorely repent it ; and know that thou hadst been a dead man , if i had not taken compassion on a foolish and unfortunate woman , who has been pleas'd to put her life and honour in my hand , and if i were not fully assur'd , that thy criminal designs against my brother's honour have not been put in execution . change your habitation , continues he , and think not to escape my resentments , if you break the promise i expect you should make me . andrada promised him more than he ask'd , he made him the meanest and most abject submissions he cou'd think of , and protested to him that he ow'd him a life for saving his now . he was weak enough in all conscience to keep his bed , but his excessive fear gave him strength enough to get up . from that very moment he conceiv'd as great an aversion for me , as his affection before had been violent , nay he had my very name in horrour . in the mean time i was uneasy to know what was become of him , but i had not assurance enough to ask don lewis , nay not to look him in the face . i sent marina to andrada's lodging , where she arrived just at the same time as he came in himself , and had ordered his trunks to be got ready , in order to remove to another quarter of the town . as soon as he saw her , he forbad her to come to him any more from me , and recounting to her in a few words all that had pass'd between don lewis and himself ; he added that i was the most ungrateful and most perfidious woman in the world ; that he wou'd only consider me for the future as one that design'd to ruine him , and desired that i wou'd no more think of him than if i had never seen him . having said this , he turned marina out of his chamber , who was extremely surprized at his treatment : however her astonishment was not so great , but that she had presence of mind enough to dog him him at a distance , and observing the house where his trunks were carried , by that means came to know his new lodging . the vexation i felt to be accus'd of a crime , whereof i was innocent , and to be hated by the man , whom i loved so tenderly , and for whom i had hazarded my life and reputation , hindred me from taking so much satisfaction in his safety , as otherwise i should have done . i fell into a fit of melancholy , which threw me into a sickness , and my distemper , which the physicians cou'd not tell what to make of , was no little affliction to my husband . to compleat my misfortune , don lewis began to value himself upon the important service he had done me ; he incessantly importun'd me to grant him that happiness , which i had intended for andrada : reproaching me that i was in love with the latter , all the time i preach'd to him what i ow'd to my husband , and what he ow'd to a brother . thus being hated by the man i lov'd , lov'd by the man i hated , seeing andrada no more , seeing don lewis too often , and perpetually accusing my self for having been so ungrateful to the best husband in the world , who left nothing undone to please me , and who was distracted at my illness , when he had the justest provocations to take away my life : being thus troubled with remorse of conscience , of love , and hatred , two passions so contrary , i kept my bed for two months , expecting every moment my death with joy ; but heaven , it seems reserv'd me for greater misfortunes . my youth , in spite of my self , assisted me against this inconsolable grief . in short , i recover'd my health , and don lewis persecuted me much more than ever he had done . i had given orders to my women , and particularly to marina , never to leave me alone with him . enrag'd at this usage , and the resistance i made him , he resolv'd to obtain by the blackest piece of treachery that ever was known , that which i refused him with so much steadiness . i have already told you , that there was a way from his house to ours , through a door that was seldom shut . on the night he pitch'd upon for the execution of his damnable design , and at the hour when he thought every one was asleep both at his house and ours , he got in by this door , open'd the gate towards the street , then turn'd all our horses , out of the stable , that immediately ran into the court , and from thence into the street . the noise they made soon awaken'd the servants that looked after them , and my husband . he was very fond of his horses , as soon as he knew that they were got into the street , he immediately ran after them in his morning gown , swearing heartily at his grooms , and at the porter , who had forgot to shut the great gate . don lewis , who had hid himself in my anti-chamber , and saw my husband go down stairs , follow'd him into the court soon after , and having shut the street door , and tarried a little to give the greater probability , to what he had a mind to effect , came to bed to me , personating my husband so well , that 't is no wonder if i was mistaken . he was excessive cold with standing so long in his shirt . good god sir , said i to him , how cold you are ! 't is very true , answers he , counterfeiting his voice , i had like to have been starv'd in the street . and are your horses , i said to him , retaken ? my servants are gone after them , cries he , and then drawing nearer to me , as to warm himself , and embracing me very lovingly , he proceeded to betray me , and dishonour his brother . as heaven permitted this crime , perhaps it reserv'd the punishment of it to me , that so my honour might be retriev'd by my own hands , and my innocence known . having satisfy'd his wicked desire , he pretended to be in pain for his horses , so up he got , and open'd the street gate , and then retir'd to his own lodging , well pleas'd perhaps with his crime , and rejoycing in that which wou'd be the cause of his destruction . my husband came in soon after , and getting into bed crept close to me , half frozen and starv'd as he was , and obliged me by his caresses , which i thought were extraordinary , to desire him to let me sleep . he thought it strange ; for my part i was surpriz'd , and did not doubt but that some treacherous trick had been play'd me● cou'd not sleep a wink till it was day , i got up much earlier than i us'd to do , i went to mass , and there i saw don lewis in his finest cloaths , and with his countenanceas gay , as mine was sad and melancholy . he presented me with the holy water , which i receiv'd very coldly , then looking upon me with a malicious sneer , good god , madam , says he , how cold you are ! at these words , that were the same i spoke to him the night before , and made me no longer doubt my misfortune , i turn'd pale and then redden'd . he might easily find by my eyes , and the disorder these words gave me , how hainously i resented his insolence . i parted from him , without so much as looking at him , i pass'd all the time at mass very uneasy , as you may well imagine . i made my husband so too , when at dinner , and all the rest of the day , i look'd like a distracted woman , sighing incessantly , and showing that i was troubled in mind , notwithstanding all the care i took to conceal it . i retir'd to my chamber sooner than i us'd to do , pretending a slight indisposition . i thought of a hundred different designs to revenge my self . at last my indignation put me upon that which i resolv'd to put in execution . the night came , i went to bed when my husband did : i pretended to sleep to oblige him to do the same ; and when i saw him fast , and suppos'd that all our servants were so too , i got up , i took his ponyard , and wholly blinded and transported by my passion , i made a shift however , by the same door and the same way through which my cruel enemy had got to my bed , to find the way to his . my fury made me not do things at random . i grop'd out where his heart lay with my hand that was free , and discover'd it by its palpitation : my fear of missing my blow did not make the other tremble wherein i held the ponyard . i sheath'd it twice in the heart of the detestable don lewis , and punish'd him by a gentler death than he deserv'd . in the heat of my rage i gave him five or six hearty stabs more , and return'd to my chamber in that tranquillity and peace of mind , that convinc'd me i never did any thing with more satisfaction . i put up my husband's ponyard , all bloody as it was , into the scabbard : i drest my self in as much haste , and with as little noise as i cou'd ; i took with me all my jewels and money , and as much transported by my love , as i had been lately hurry'd by my revenge , i ran away from my husband , who lov'd me better than his life , to throw my self into the arms of a young man , who had not long ago taken care to let me know that i was become odious to him . the natural cowardise of my sex was so well fortified by the impetuous passions that reign'd in my soul , that tho it was midnight , and i all alone by my self , yet i walked from my own house to andrada's lodging with as much assurance , as if i had been going to do a good action in the day time . i knock'd at andrada's door , who was not at home , being engag'd it seems at play at a friend's house . his footmen , who knew me well enough , and were not a little surpriz'd to see me there , receiv'd me with a great deal of respect , and lighted a fire for me in their master's chamber . he came home soon after , and i suppose little imagin'd to find me in his room . he no sooner saw me , but looking wildly upon me , what has brought you hither , madam eugenia , says he ; and what have you to say to me of all men living , whom you design'd to sacrifice to the revenge of your brother-in-law and gallant ? how ! andrada , said i to him , do you put so ill a construction upon an an inevitable accident , which forc'd me to have recourse to the only man in the world whom i was most afraid to be oblig'd by ? and cou'd you pass so disadvantageous a judgment of a person , who had given you so many proofs of her affection ? i expected something else than reproaches from you , which you wou'd not have been in a condition now to make , had i not done that very thing for which you condemn me , and charge me with as a crime . alas ! if i have been guilty of a crime , 't is not against you , but against my husband , to whom i ought to have been faithful , to whom i have been ungrateful , because i wou'd not be so to you , and whom i have left to throw my self upon a cruel man that uses me ill . when your death , which i look'd upon to be real , had flung me into that despair , which how cou'd a woman avoid , that expected every moment surpriz'd by her husband ; and when don lewis found me in this deplorable condition , what cou'd i otherwise do than rely upon his generosity , and the love he had for me ? he has most treacherously betray'd me at the expence of his own honour , but it has been also at the expence of his own life , which i have just now taken from him : and ●tis this , my dear andrada , that has brought me hither . 't is necessary that i shou'd conceal my self from justice , till i find a proper time to inform the world what don lewis's crime was , as well as my own misfortune . i have money and jewels enough to maintain you with splendour in any part of spain , where you will think sit to accompany a miserable woman . i shall convince the whole world in a little time that i rather deserve to be pity'd than blam'd , and my future conduct shall justifie my past actions . yes , yes , cry'd he , interrupting me , i will go and take don lewis's place , now thou art cloy'd with him , and have my throat cut like him , when thou art cloy'd with me . ha! thou lascivious woman , continues he , how well does this last wicked action of thine confirm me in my belief that thou designedst to sacrifice me to thy gallant ? but think not to come off with reproaches only , i will rather be the punisher of thy crime , than the accomplice of it . he had no sooner spoke these words , but he stripp'd me by main force , in so barbarous a manner , that even his servants were asham'd at it ; he gave me a hundred blows , naked as i was , and after he had satisfy'd his rage till he was quite weary , he threw me into the street , where if i had not happily met with you , i had dy'd e're this , or faln into the hands of those who perhaps are now searching for me . when she had ended her discourse , she shew'd don garcias the black and blue marks in her arms , and those parts of her body , which modesty wou'd allow her to shew , and then resum'd it as follows . you have heard , generous don garcias , my deplorable history : tell me therefore , i conjure you , what measures an unhappy woman ought to take , who has caus'd so many calamitous misfortunes ? ah , madam , cries don garcias interrupting her , that i cou'd as easily advise you what to do , as punish andrada , if you wou'd give me leave ! don't rob me of the honour of revenging your quarrel , and don 't refuse to employ , ●n whatever you think fit to command him , a man who is 〈◊〉 less concern'd for your misfortune , than for the outrage that has been done you . don garcias pronounc'd these words with a heat , which convinc'd eugenia that he no less lov'd than pity'd her . she thank'd him in the most obliging terms that her civility and gratitude cou'd suggest to her , and ●●egg'd him to give himself the trouble to go once more to ●●er husband's house , to inform himself more particularly what people said of her flight , and of the death of don lewis . he happened to come there just at the time , as they were carrying don sancho to prison , together with his domesticks , and those of don lewis , who had depos'd that their master was in love with eugenia . the common door between the two houses which had been found open , and the ponyard of don sancho yet reeking with blood , were circumstantial proofs that he had murdred his brother , of which nevertheless he was as innocent , as he was afflicted at it . the running away of his wife , his jewels and money that were missing , so strangely surpriz'd him that he could not tell what to make on 't , and this troubl'd him infinitely more than his imprisonment and the proceedings of the magistrate . don garcias was impatient to carry this news to eugenia , but he cou'd not do it so soon as he desired . one of his friends , who had business with him , stopt him a long while in the street where his lodging was , that happen'd to be over against andrada's , from whence he saw a servant come out booted , carrying a portmantle . he followed him at a distance , accompanied by his friend , and saw him stop at the post-house . he came in after him , and found he had hired three horses , that were to be got ready in half an hour . don garcias let him go , and ordered the same number of horses to be ready at the same time . his friend ask'd him what was the meaning of this , he promis'd to tell him , provided he wou'd make one of the number , to which the other readily consented , without troubling himself what the matter was . don garcias desir'd him to put on his boots , and stay for him at his lodgings● while he made a short trip to his own . thus they parted , and don●● garcias went immediately to wait upon eugenia to inform her what he knew of her affair . at the same time he gave orders to his landlady , who was a woman he cou'd trust , to furnish eugenia with cloaths and other necessaries , and carry her that very night to a convent , the governess whereof was her relation and friend . after this he privately order'd his man to carry his riding coat and boots to the gentleman's lodgings , whom he last parted with , and having once more conjur'd the woman of the house to take care of eugenia , and conceal her from all the world , he went to call upon his friend , and walked with him to the post-house , where they had not been a minute but andrada came there . don garcias ask'd him whither he was going , he told him to sevil. why then , replied don garcias , we shall need but one postillion . andrada liked the motion , and perhaps thought don garcias and his friend were a brace of cullies , whom he might easily bubble of their money at play they rode out of valladolid together , and gallop'd a pretty while , without doing any thing else but gallop , for i think 't is agreed on all hands , that when men ride post they are none of the best conversation . don garcias finding they were now in a fine open plain , fit for business , and remote enough from any house , rode a little way before the company , then come back and bid andrada stop . andrada ask'd him what he would have . i must fight you , answer'd don garcias , to revenge if i can eugenia's quarrel , whom you have mortally injur'd by the most cowardly , and villainous action that ever was known . i don't repent me for what i have done , reply'd andrada to him fiercely , without seeming to be surpriz'd , but perhaps you may have occasion to repent of this insolence . he was a man of courage , and alighted from his horse at the same time that don garcias alighted from his , who would not vouchsafe him an answer . they were now coming up to one another with their swords in hand , when don garcias's friend told them that they must not offer to tilt without him , and offer'd to fight andrada's footman , who was a well shap'd young fellow , and of a promising countenance . andrada protested , that altho he had the best swordsman in spain for his second , he would only fight one against one . his footman not contenting himself with his masters protestation , protested likewise , that for his part he would fight no man whatever , for what cause whatever , at any weapon whatever . so don garcias's friend was forc'd to be an humble spectator , or if you please , godfather to the two combatants , which is no new thing in spain . the duel did not last long , heaven so much favouring the righteous cause of don garcias , that his enemy pressing upon him with more fury than skill , ran upon his sword , and fell down at his feet , losing his blood and life together . andrada's footman and the postboy , neither of whom were made for heroes , threw themselves at the feet of don garcias , who meant them no mischief . he commanded andrada's footman to open his masters portmantle , and give him all that andrada had taken from eugenia . he obey'd him immediately , and put into his hand a rich manteau gown and petty-coat , and a little box , which by its weightiness would have made a blind man swear that it was not empty . the footman found the key of it in his masters pocket , and gave it to don garcias , who bid him do what he pleased with his master's body , threatning to cut his throat if he ever saw him in valladolid . he commanded the postboy not to come back till the dusk of the evening , and promis'd him he should find the two horses , that he had hired , at the post-house . i suppose he was punctually obey'd by these two worthy gentlemen , who were ready to dye for fear , and thought they were exceedingly oblig'd to him , because he did not kill them as he had done andrada . history leaves us in the dark as to what his footman did with his body , and as for his moveables , 't is very probable that he kept them for his own use . our memoirs likewise are wanting to inform us how the post-boy manag'd himself in this affair . don garcias and his friend gallop'd it all the way to valladolid , and alighted at the imperial ambassador's house , where they had friends , and stay'd till it was night . don garcias sent for his footman , who told him that eugenia was in pain to see him . the horses were sent back to the post-house by an unknown person , who cunningly rubb'd off , after he had deliver'd them to one of the ostlers . as for andrada's death , the people of valladolid either talked nothing of it , because they never heard a word of it , or if they talk'd of it , they said no more but that a cavalier was kill'd by some unknown enemy , or by thieves . don garcias return'd to his lodgings , where he found eugenia drest in the cloaths which his landlady had taken care to provide for her . i am apt to believe that she took them up at a broker's , for in spain 't is a common thing for persons of quality , both men and women , to rig themselves in such places . he restor'd engenia her things again , and particularly her jewels , and inform'd her after what manner he had revenged her quarrel upon andrada . being of a sweet and tender disposition , she was extremely concerned for the unfortunate end of a person , whom she had once lov'd so dearly , and the thoughts that she was the cause of so many tragical disasters , afflicting her as much as her own misfortunes , caus'd her to shed abundance of tears . that day publick notice had been given at valladolid that no one should entertain or conceal eugenia , and two hundred crowns were offered by way of reward to any one that cou'd bring any news of her . this made her resolve to get into a convent as soon as she cou'd . however she pass'd that night in the lodging where she was , and slept as little as she did the night before . don garcias rose by break of day to go visit the governess of the convent that was related to eugenia , and promis'd to receive her , and keep her private as long as she was able . from thence he went to hire a coach , and order'd it to stop at a by-street adjoyning to his , whither eugenia came , accompanied by the gentlewoman of the house , both of them being covered in their veils . the coach carried them to a certain place , where they ordered the coachman to set them down , and there they alighted , that no one should find out the convent , where eugenia retired . she was courteously entertained there ; don garcias's landlady took her leave of her , and went to inform herself how matters were like to go with don sancho . she was told that things look'd with an ill aspect , and that the least they talked of doing to him was to give him the question . don garcias communicated this news to eugenia , who was so much concern'd to see her husband in danger of being punished for a crime , which he was no way guilty of , that she was resolved to surrender herself into the hands of justice . don garcias disswaded her from it , and advis'd her rather to write to the judge criminal to let him know , that only she could inform him who it was that kill'd don lewis . upon this the judge , who by good luck was related to her , went attended with several other officers of justice , to discourse her . she freely confess'd to them that she had kill'd don lewis , acquainted them with the just provocation he had given her to serve him so , and recounted to them the particulars of all that had pass'd between don lewis and herself , except what related to andrada . her confession was taken down in writing , and a report of it made to his catholick majesty , who , considering the blackness of don lewis's crime , the just resentment of eugenia , her courage and resolution , the innocence of don sancho and his domesticks , order'd them all to be set at liberty , and granted his royal pardon to engenia , at the instance of all the court , who appear'd in her behalf . her husband was not much displeas'd with her for the death of his brother , nay , if one knew the truth , perhaps he lov'd her the better for it . he made her a visit as soon as he was enlarg'd , and would fain have taken her home with him , but she would not consent to it , notwithstanding all his importunities and prayers . she did not question but that he took don lewis's death as he ought to take it , but she knew very well that he had heard something of what had pass'd between her and the portuguese cavalier ; that the least blemish in a womans honour may raise her husbands jealousy , and sooner or later untie the conjugal knot , let it be never so well ty'd . poor don sancho visited her often , and endeavour'd by all the tenderest remarks of kindness he could shew her , to oblige her to return home , and be absolute mistress of his estate and him . she continu'd inflexible in her resolution , reseruing for her self a pension suitable to her quality and fortune : but though don sancho could not prevail with her to go home with him , yet she behav'd herself so obligingly to this good husband , that he had all the reason in the world to speak well of her . but all that she did in the convent to please him , only encreas●d his concern that he was not able to get her out of it . this threw him at last into so deep a melancholy , that he fell sick , and his sickness brought him to deaths door . he conjur'd eugenia to give him the satisfaction of seeing her , before he must part with her for ever . she could not refuse this sorrowful pleasure to a husband who had been so dear to her , who had lov'd her so tenderly , and who still lov'd her so well . she went to see him dye , and had like to have dy●d herself with grief , to see him shew so much joy in seeing her , as if she had restor'd that life to him , he was going to lose . this goodness of eugenia did not go unrewarded : he left her all he had , by which means she found herself one of the richest and beautifullest widows in spain , after she had found herself upon the brink of being one of the most unhappy women in the world . her affliction for the death of her husband was as real as it was great . she gave necessary orders for his funeral , took possession of his estate , and return'd to her convent , resolving to pass the remainder of her days there . her relations propos'd to her the best matches in spain , but she was resolv'd not to sacrifice her repose to her ambition : and finding herself everlastingly persecuted by crowds of pretenders , whom her beauty and wealth drew after her to the parlor of the convent where she was , she would at last be seen by no one but don garcias . this young gentleman had serv'd her so opportunely upon so important an occasion , and with so much warmth , that she could not see him without saying to herself that she ow'd him something more than bare civilities and compliments . she discovered by his livery and equipage that he was not over-rich , and she was generous enough to offer him some assistances , which a person in ordinary circumstances may receive without shame from one that is richer than himself . in the little time she had been at his lodgings , and in the conversation he had often had with her , he made her sensible that he had a lofty soul elevated above the common rank , and entirely disengag'd from all fordid interests , and wholly devoted to honour . she was therefore afraid that she should affront him if she made him any present , which to be sure wou'd have been answerable to her generous temper , and on the other hand she fear'd that he wou'd have but a sorry opinion of her gratitude , if she did not give him some proofs of it by her liberality . but if don garcias gave her some pain upon the aforesaid occasion , she gave him no less on her side , and so was even with him . in short , he was in love with her , but tho the respect he bore her cou'd not have hinder'd him from acquainting her with it , how durst he mention the word love to a woman , whom love had so lately expos'd to such terrible misfortunes , and that at a time too , when the sorrowful air of her face , and the tears which trickl'd down incessantly , were evident demonstrations , that her soul was yet too full of grief to be capable of receiving another passion : among the rest that made their visits to eugenia , in quality of her thrice-humble slaves , in hopes i suppose to become one day her thrice imperious masters ; among the rest , i say , who had offer'd themselves to her , and she had refus'd , there was one don diego , who having nothing else to distinguish him , was resolv'd to signalize himself by his constant persecutions . he was as foolish as 't is possible for a young fellow to be , as unmannerly as he was foolish , as troublesome as he was unmannerly , and hated by all the world for being troublesome , unmannerly , and foolish . his body was of a peice with his soul , ugly and ill-fashion●d , he was as poor in respect of the blessings of this transitory world , as he was covetous to obtain them . but being descended from one of the best families in spain , and nearly related to one of the principal ministers of state , which only helpt to make him the more insolent , people shew'd him some little respect for the sake of his quality , altho it was not recommended by the least merit . this don diego , who was for all the world such a spark as i have describ●d him , thought that eugenia had every thing that a man cou'd desire in a woman , and hop'd to obtain her with ease by the credit of his friends at court , who and promis'd to make up the match for him . but eugenia was not to be so easily perswaded into an affair of that importance , as they imagin'd , and to favour a private man the court wou'd not commit a violence that must needs have disgusted all the world. eugenia's retiring into a con●ent , her resolution never to leave it , her positive orders to receive no more visits , the coldness of those that at first encourag'd don diego in his pretensions , made him despair of ever obtaining her without difficulty . for this reason he was resolv'd to carry her by main force out of her convent , ●n attempt the most criminal that can be undertaken in spain , and which none but a fool like himself would ever have dreamt of . he found for his money fellows that were as great fools as himself , and gave orders to have fresh horses left upon the road down to the sea-side , where a vessel lay ready for him ; in short , he forc'd the convent , carried off eugenia , and that unfortunate lady had become the prey of the most dishonourable wretch alive , if heaven had not rais'd up an unexpected champion for her , even then when she thought herself most abandon'd by it . one single gentleman , whom eugenia's cryes drew after her ravishers , oppos'd their whole body , and hinder'd them from passing farther , with so much valour that he immediately wounded don diego , and several of his accomplices , and gave time to the townsmen , who had taken the alarm , and to the civil magistrate to come down upon them with such numbers as to force don diego and his companions to surrender , ● else lose their lives upon the spot . thus eugenia was deliver'd , but before she would suffer herself to be carry'd 〈◊〉 her convent , she desir'd to know what was become of tha● valiant gentleman , who had so gallantly exposed his life for her sake . they found him wounded in several parts of his body , and he had almost lost all his blood as well as his sences . eugenia had a mind to see him , and no sooner 〈◊〉 her eyes upon his face , but she knew him to be don garcias● if her surprize was great , her compassion was no less , an● she gave such tender proofs it , that the standers by might have interpreted it to her disadvantage , if she had not a just occasion besides to afflict herself . she prevail'd with the● by her intreaties and prayers , not to carry her generous 〈◊〉 fender to prison , whom don diego , who was upon the poi●● of expiring , and his accomplices confess'd not to belong to their company , but to be the man that had attack'd the●● so he was carry'd to the next house , which happened to ● that where don sancho liv'd formerly , and now belonged 〈◊〉 eugenia , who had left all her furniture , and a few servan● in it . he was put into the hands of the chirurgeons be●longing to the court and city . eugenia retir'd to her convent , but was forced the next day to leave it , and return her own house , because a new order was issued out , whi●●● prohibited all convents of nuns to receive and seculars a●mong them . next morning don diego died , and his re●●tions had interest enough to hinder his process being ma● after his death ; but his accomplices scaped not so , 〈◊〉 were punish'd according to their deserts . in the mean 〈◊〉 eugenia was almost distracted to see don garcias out of 〈◊〉 of a cure . she implored the assistance of heaven , and offer'd to give the chirurgeons whatever they could demand ; but their art was exhausted , and they had no hopes but in heaven , and the youth of the sick party . eugenia would not stir from his bed-side , and attended him night and day so carefully , that she was in danger of bringing herself into the same condition , i mean , of wanting another to do the same offices for herself . she heard him often pronounce her name in the delirious fits of his fever , and among a thousand incoherent things , which his disturb'd imagination made him say , she heard him often talk of love , and discourse like a man that is afighting or quarrelling . at last nature , assisted by so many remedies , surmounted the obstinacy of his illness ; his fever abated , his wounds began to close up , and the chyrurgeons assured eugenia there was no danger , provided no unexpected accidents befell him . she gave them handsom presents for their pains , and order'd prayers to be put up in all the churches of valladolid . 't was at this time that don garcias was inform'd by eugenia that she was the woman whom he had sav'd , and that she came to be inform'd by him how he happen'd to come so seasonably to her relief , as he was returning home from a friends house . she cou'd not forbear to let him know how many obligations she had to him , and he cou'd not conceal his excessive joy for serving her so opportunely , but durst not presume to acquaint her with a thing of greater importance . one day when she was all alone with him , and conjur'd him not to let her be any longer ungrateful to him , but to make use of her upon some important occasion , he thought it a proper time to discover the real sentiments of his soul. he sighed at the very thought of what he was going to do , he look'd ●pale , and the disorder of his mind was so visible in his countenance , that eugenia was affraid that something extraordinary ail●d him . she ask'd him how his wounds fared ? alas , madam , answer'd he , my wounds are far from being my greatest misfortune . and what is the matter ? said she to him , very much affrighted . 't is a misfortune reply'd he , that is without remedy . 't is true , answer'd eugenia , you were unfortunate to be so dangerously wounded for an unknown person , who was not worth the while , for you to expose your life for her● but still 't is a misfortune that can't 〈◊〉 always , for your chirurgeons don't doubt but that you 'll be well in a little time . and this it is that i complain of , 〈◊〉 don gracias ; if i had lost 〈…〉 in serving you , con●●● he , i had died gloriou 〈…〉 i must drag a wretched life against my will , and live to be the most unhappy man in the world . with all the good qualities that you possess , i cannot believe you to be so unhappy , as you talk , replies eugenia . how madam , says he to her , don't you think that man very unhappy , who knows your value , who esteems you more than any one living , who loves you better than his life , and with all this , who cannot pretend to merit you , tho fortune had been as favourable as she has hitherto been averse to him ? you mightily surprize me , said she to him blushing , but the great obligations i have to you , give you a priviledge with me , that under my present circumstances i should allow in none but your self . only think of getting well , continued she , and rest assured that your misfortunes shall not trouble you long , when it is in eugenia's power to put an end to them . she would not stay for his answer , and by that means sav'd him a world of compliments , which fell out luckily for him , because he must have strain'd hard to make good ones , and that perhaps might have done him harm in his present weakness . she call'd to some of her servants that look'd after him , and went out of the room , just as the chirurgeons came in . satisfaction of mind is a soveraign remedy to a sick body . don garcias gather'd such hopes of the happy success of his amour from eugenia's words , that from the deep melancholy , wherein he was plunged like a despairing lover , he now gave up himself to joy , and this joy contributed more to his cure , than all the remedies of the chirurgeons . he was perfectly cur'd , and out of good manners quitted eugenia's house , but not his pretensions to her heart . she had promis'd to love him , provided he did not make any publick discovery of it ; and after all perhaps she lov'd him as much as he lov'd her , but having lately lost her husband , and been engaged in some adventures , which rendred her the common subject o● conversation in court and city , she thought it not adviseable to expose her self afresh to the malicious censures of the world , by a marriage so unseasonable , and against the rules of decency . at last , don garcias over came all these difficulties by his merit and constancy . he was so well made in his person , as to make any rival whatever despair . he was a younger brother of one of the best families of arragon , and altho he had not actually signalized himself in the wars , as he had very gallantly , yet the long services his father had done the crown of spain , might 〈◊〉 make him hope to find a reward of as great profit●● honour at court. eugenia could not defend herself against so many noble qualities , nor was she willing to be any longer in his debt , after she had received so many obligations from him . in short , she marry'd him : both court and city approved her choice ; and that she might not have any reason to repent of it , not long after it so happen'd , that the king of spain bestowed a commandery of st iago upon don garcias : and before that happen'd , it so happen'd , that our bridegroom convinc'd eugenia the first night of his bedding her , that he was another sort of a man than don sancho , and she found in him what she had not found in the portuguese andrada . they had abundance of children , because they took abundance of pains to get them ; and the people of spain to this day tell their history , which i have given you here for a true one , as it was given me . novel v. the generous lover : or , the man of deeds , and not of words . under a king of naples , whose name i cannot tell , however i suppose it might be alphonso , leonard de st severin , prince of tarento , was one of the greatest lords of his kingdom , and one of the most celebrated generals of his time . he died , and left the principality of tarento to his daughter mathilda , a young princess about seventeen years old : as beautiful as an angel , and as good condition'd as she was beautiful , but so extremely good condition'd , that those that did not know she had an infinite deal of wit , would have been apt to call it in question . her father long before his death had promis'd her in marriage to prosper , prince of salerno . this latter was a man of a haughty disagreeable temper , and the sweet and gentle mathilda , by virtue of being long accustomed to bear with him , was so well prepared to love and fear him , that never did slave depend more upon the imperious will of his master , than this young princess did upon that of old prosper . i think a man at the age of forty-five may very well be call'd old , when he is mention'd with one so young as mathilda . her affection to this superannuated lover may be said to proceed rather from custom than inclination , and was as sincere as his was interressed . not but that he was as fond of her too , as 't was as possible for him to be , and this was no more than what any man would have done as well as himself , for indeed she was all amiable ; but 't was not in the nature of the beast ( i beg his pardon , but 't is out ) to love very much , and he rather esteem'd a mistress for her dirty acres and unrighteous mammon , than for her merit and beauty . the truth is , he made love but awkwardly : however he was so happy , or , to express my self more properly , she was so easy to be pleased , that altho he did not pay her half the respect and complaisance which one might expect from a generous lover , yet for all that he was absolute master of her heart , and had brought her to such a pass as to submit to all his ill conditions . he found fault with all her actions , and plagued her incessantly with those musty advices that old men in their great wisdom so often inculcate to the young , and the other so little care for . in short , he would have been a greater thorn in her side , than a peevish malicious governante , if he could have found out any faults in her conduct . it is true , that when he was in a good humour , he would tell her stories of the old court , play on his guitarre , and dance a saraband before her . i have already told you his age , but to go on with his character . he was spruce in his person and cloaths ; curious in his pertiwigs , an infallible sign that his hair was none of the best ; he took mighty care of his teeth , tho time began to play tricks with them ; he valued himself . upon his lilly-white hands , and suffer'd the nail of his left little finger to grow to a prodigious length , by the same token he thought it one of the prettiest sights in the world . he was nice to admiration in his feathers and ribbonds , punctually twisted up his mustachio's every night , was always perfum'd , and always carry'd some tid bit in his pocket to eat , and some verses to read . as for himself , he was an execrable versifyer , was a walking magazine of all the new songs , play'd upon most instruments , perform'd his exercises with a grace , but his chief talent was dancing . he lov'd the wits that ask'd him nothing , had perform'd some actions in his time that were brave , and some that were otherwise , and as one might say , he had two buzzards to one hawk , or if you please , two blanks to one benefit . in short , i may properly apply to him a burlesque song of my own making , the latter part of which is almost worn into a proverb . song . here lies a sine wight , that cou'd sing you at sight , and dance like a sprite , and verses indite , and bravely recite . what 's more , he cou'd fight , ( i swear by this light ) like fury , or knight . he knew what was what , cou'd gallop and trot , and toss off his pot , and swear at the shot . yet with all he had got , it was the hard lot of this boaster , god wot , to be a damn'd sot . with all these fine qualities , one of the loveliest princesses in the world was desperately in love with him . 't is true indeed , she was but seventeen years old ; but our noble prince of salermo did not stand much upon that . there is no doubt but the princess mathilda , being so rich and beautiful as she was , would have had a hundred gallants more , if it had not been universally believed in naples , that her marriage with prosper was as good as concluded in her father's time , or if that prince's quality had not discouraged other pretenders , who ( tho they wanted his title ) were men of fortune and birth good enough to be his rivals . thus the greatest part of these lovers , either govern'd by a principle of fear or discretion , were content to sigh for her in private , without daring to speak . hippolito was the only man that had the courage to own himself in publick the rival of prosper , and the respective lover of mathilda . he was descended from one of the best families in spain , and came in a direct line from the great ruis lopez●d● avalos , constable of castile , who was so remarkable an instance of the inconstancy of fortune , since from the richest and most powerful grandee of his own country , he was turned out of it poor and miserable , forced to borrow money of his friends , and fly to the king of arragon , who took him into his own protection , and gave him a fortune sufficient at naples to support him according to his quality . this hippolito was one of the most accomplish'd cavaliers of his time : his valour had gain'd him reputation in several parts of europe , and all the world own'd him to be a man of the nicest honour . as i have already told you , he was an humble admirer of mathilda , and tho he could never hope to succeed , so long as she loved prosper , yet he resolved to love her on to the end of the chapter . he was liberal even to prodigality , whereas his rival was thrifty even to avarice . he omitted not the least opportunity to shew his magnificence to mathilda , and altho he carried it as far as his fortune would give him leave , yet she seldom saw it , for her tyrant prosper hindred her from giving any countenance to these gallantries of love , let them come from what quarter they would . our obstinate lover frequently ran at the ring before his mistress's window , often gave her serenades , and diverted her with tilts and tournaments . the cipher and colours of mathilda were to be seen in all his liveries : the praises of mathilda rung through all italy , in the verses he composed , and in the airs and songs he caused to be made ; but she was no more mov'd with all this , than if she had known nothing of it . nay , by the express order or the prince of salerno , she must go out of naples , whenever there was to be any running at the ring , dancing , or any gallantries of the like nature , which the amorous hippolito provided for her . to make short , she affected to disoblige him upon all occasions , with a cruelty that seem'd to be a violence upon her nature , and made all the world exclaim against her . this did not in the least discourage hippolito , and the ill treatment of mathilda encreas'd his love instead of lessening it . he did more than this : he shew'd that respect to prosper , which he did not owe him , and to please mathilda , paid him the same deference , which is usually shewn to persons of superiour quality , altho there was no other difference between the prince of salerno and him , than their estate . in short , he respected his mistress in his rival , and perhaps forbore to hate him , because he was belov'd by mathilda . but prosper was not so complaisant : he hated hippolito mortally , he made a hundred scurvy jests upon him , nay , would never have scrupl'd to tell lies of him , if he thought any one would have believ'd them . but hippolito was the delight of naples , and his reputation was so well establish'd there , that altho he had actually deviated from his character , he could hardly have destroy'd it . thus prosper was the happy man , and stood possess'd of mathilda's affection , tho he did nothing to deserve it . that beautiful princess did not think she saw him often enough , tho she saw him every day , when fortune all on the sudden threw her from the heighth of happiness , into the extremity of misery . she had a cousin-german by her father's side , who might have pass'd for a man of merit , had he been a man of less ambition and avarice ; he had been bred up with the 〈◊〉 was of the same age , and had insinuated himself so 〈◊〉 his good graces , that he was the sole manager of all his pleasures and sports , and the dispenser of all his favours . this roger de st severin ( for so he was call'd ) was posses'd with a fancy , that the principality of tarento belonged to him , and that a daughter could not legally inherit it , to the prejudice of the male line . he spoke to the king about it , who encourag'd him to claim his right , and promis'd to support him by his authority . the affair was kept secret ; roger made himself master of tarento , and had plac'd a good garrison there , before mathilda had the least mistrust of it . our poor princess , who had never been in any trouble before , was as it were thunder-struck with this news . no one but hippolito declar'd himself in her favour , who scorn'd to truckle to the king's favourite ; and prosper , who was more oblig'd to her than any man living , did even less for her than any man , whereas hippolito not only discharg'd his duty , but was carry'd by his zeal beyond it . he waited on her to offer her his service , but she durst not accept of it , for fear of disobliging her prince of salerno , who since her misfortune did not visit her so often as he us'd to do , when she was peaceable mistress of tarento . in the mean time hippolito talk'd boldly of the injustice that was done her , and sent a challenge to roger : for which he had guards placed about him , and was commanded to desist ; but as he was generally belov'd by all people , he might have easily rais'd a party in naples , strong enough to have made the favourite doubt the success of his ill designs . he made several attempts upon tarento , all which miscarry'd , by reason of the great care roger had taken to prevent all accidents of that nature . at last the breach between the two pretenders growing wider every day , and most of the italian princes interesting themselves one way or t'other , the pope imploy'd his mediation to procure a peace , made them lay down their arms , and prevail'd with the king of naples to refer the decision of the dispute between his favourite and mathilda , to judges of known integrity . the reader may easily guess what an extraordinary expence hippolito was at , being the head of a party , and so liberal in his temper ; he may likewise easily imagine , that mathilda , as much a princess as she was , was in a short time reduced to very pressing necessities . roger had possess'd himself of her lands . he had perswaded the king that she kept private intelligence with his enemies ; her rents were no longer paid , and no one durst lend money to the woman , whom the favourite had a mind to ruin . prosper ab●ndon'd her at last , but she still lov'd him so violently , 〈◊〉 she less resented his ingratitude , than his forgetfulness . hippolito would not offer her money , because he knew she wou'd refuse it , but went a more generous way to work . he sent her some by one of his friends , who took the honour of it upon himself , and without telling her that it came from hippolito , oblig'd that princess by oath never to talk of it , lest this kindness might draw upon him the indignation of the favourite . in the mean time the process came on , and sentence was given in favour of mathilda . the king was displeased at it , roger was enrag'd , the court was astonish'd , every one was vex'd , or rejoyc'd according to his own inclination or interest , but the generality of people admir'd and prais'd the probity of the judges . mathilda , who to her glory had obtained so important a process , sent a gentleman to prosper , with a transport that can hardly be imagined , to acquaint him with the happy success of her affair . prosper● rejoyced exceedingly at the news , and to testify it to this gentleman , he hugg'd and embrac'd him at a strange rate , and promised to serve him , whenever an opoportunity should present itself . hippolito knew nothing of it till after his rival , yet he bestowed a diamond ring of great value upon the man that brought him the news . he feasted all the court , prepar'd lists before mathilda's window , and for eight days together run at the ring against all people . gallantries of this nature generally make a great noise . several princes of italy , and most of mathilda's relations and friends were present at it , and signaliz'd themselves : nay , the king himself , who passionately admir'd this sort of exercise , was pleased to honour it with his royal presence . roger had interest enough with his master to have hinder'd him , but by a cunning fetch of his politics he had reconcil'd himself to mathilda , and declar'd to all the world , that unless he had really thought that tarento belonged to him , he would never have attempted to make himself master of it . the king was mightily pleas'd with him for so readily submitting to the sentence of the judges , and that he might recompence him for the loss of his trial , and his pretensions upon tarento , gave him one of the most important governments of the kingdom , besides the places he had before . hippolito perform'd wonders at running at the ring , and carry'd away the honour of it . prosper had a mind to dispute it with him , so all be-plumb'd and be-feather'd , that any one would have taken him for an american prince . but he was thrown the very first course , either through his own fault or that of his horse's , and was sufficiently bruis'd , or at least pretended so to be . he was carry'd to mathilda's house , who for vexation quitted her balcony , and curs'd the amorous hippolito a hundred times for his pains . he came to hear of it , and was so concern'd that he broke up the assembly , and retir'd in the greatest despair , to a fine house he had within a league of naples . in the mean time prosper was so enrag'd at his fall , that he treated mathilda after a most terrible manner , telling her that she was the cause of his disgrace , and reproach'd her with being in love with hippolito . mathilda , always gentle , always humble , and always blindly fond of her haughty tyrant , begg'd his pardon , and in short , was as chicken-hearted , as he was brutal . hippolito had a sister that was bred up with the queen of spain , and was lately return'd to naples , for reasons that i don't know , and signify nothing to our history . besides that she was beautiful to a miracle , she was a lady of extraordinary merit , that rendred her deserving of the vows of the best men in the kingdom . at her return from spain , she found her brothers affairs in so low a condition , that when he set up the running at the ring , she would not appear at court , because she wanted an equipage suitable for a person of her quality , but always kept at her brother's house , which was all that was left him of his estate , for he had parted with his lands . she came incognito to see the running at the ring , and observing her brother break up the company , and leave naples so abruptly , follow'd him home , and found him in the most lamentable condition that could be . he had broke his lances , tore his feathers and his hair , mangl'd his cloaths and his face ; in short , he was in such a distraction , that she would have despair'd of ever seeing him come to his senses again , had she not known very well , that a smile , nay an indifferent look from mathilda , would have made him forget a thousand ill treatments . she did all that lay in her power to bring him to a good humour , gave way to his passion instead of combating it , rail'd at mathilda , when he storm'd against her ; and said all the good things she could think of her , when after all his transports the scene chang'd , and she found him the most amorous lover that ever was . but the surly prosper had not the same complaisance for mathilda ; his fall still broil'd in his stomach , and he daily laid it to her charge , tho' she was by no means accessary to it . one day , when after having thank'd her judges , she went to wait upon the king to thank him likewise , altho he had been against her ; but a court 't is a point of indiscretion to speak one's real thoughts , or receive a denial otherwise than with fawning and cringing : one day therefore when she was in the king's anti-chamber , she saw the obsequious prosper come in . ever since his fall he had never made her a visit but to scold and quarrel with her for suffering hippolito to run at the ring under her window . nothing could be more unjust than prosper's complaints . it was not in mathilda's power to hinder a publick diversion , even tho it had not been design'd for her sake , since her palace took up one side of the great square : and altho it had been in her power , yet she ought not to have done it , unless she resolv'd to be thought a woman of no manners nor gratitude . prosper was the only man , who by his false way of his reasoning fancied that she had done him an irreparable injury , and his anger sowr'd him to that degree that he went no more to visit her , as if he had broke off with her for good and all . the poor princess was ready to run distracted about it , and no sooner saw this tyrant of hearts , who was just going into the king's chamber , but she threw herself in his way and stopt him . he endeavour'd to avoid her , and press'd forward : she caught hold of him by the arm , and casting a look at him that was enough to charm any one but this haughty brute , she ask'd him , what she had done to him that he should shun her thus . what have you not done , repli'd this prince arrogantly , and how can you ever retrieve the reputation you have lost by suffering the gallantries of hippolito . i cannot hinder them , nor hinder him from loving me , answers mathilda , but 't is in my power not to approve either his love , or his gallantry ; and i think , continues she , that i have sufficiently testified my dislike of them , when i went from my balcony , before the show was over . you should not have appear'd there at all , replies prosper , and the reason why you went a way at last was only because you saw all the company pointed at you for being there . but your love for hippolito has made you lose all your reason , and his gallantries have quite effac'd all the services i am capable of doing you . mathilda was vext to the heart to hear this , and was going to answer him , but he wou'd not give her time : besides the anger , that appear'd in his countenance , made the princess so afraid of him that she was perfectly speechless . when you were no more mistriss of tarento , said he to her , and the king order'd you to be apprehended , i had a mind to see how far your indiscretion and mean spirit would carry you , and whether adversity could cure your faults . for this reason i made no feasts like your gallant , nay i pretended to be no longer in your interesta . in the mean time hippolito made a mighty bustle , and did you little service , and your affairs for a long time seem'd to be in a desperate condition . then you cou'd condescend to make some advances towards me , in order to bring me back to you again , but this was only a copy of your countenance , since you still preserv'd your hippolito . your politicks i confess were not amiss : you drain'd this poor despicable gallant while he had a drop to part with , flattering your self , that after you had exhausted him to all intents and purposes , you should do me an extraordinary favour to take me in his room ; and you made account , that although you should lose tarento at your trial , yet your beauty would make you princess of salerno , when ever you pleas'd . but no sooner did a favourable decree revive your hopes , but you chang'd your maxim of state with your maxim of love. you thought that a young ruin'd prodigal would better fit your turn than me , and consider'd , that if you married the prince of salerno , you must expect to live with a master , authoriz'd by custom and the laws , whereas you would find in hippolito a supple slave , that would make it all his business to please you . imprudent princess ! continued he , durst such a poor needy wretch as hippolito pretend to make love to a woman of your quality , unless she gave him encouragement ; and can any one believe , that for bare hopes only , he would have put himself to such an expence , that he 's utterly beggar'd ; and so foolishly too , that he enrich'd , with one single present , the man that came from you , to bring him the news that you had gain'd your cause ? yet after all these testimonies i have of your indiscretion and infidelity , you are vain enough to believe that i love you never the worse for them . be happy if you can with your hippolito , but delude your self no longer that i will be unhappy with mathilda . he would have left her after he had spoke these words , but the princess still kept her hold , and once in her life had the courage to contradict him . ungrateful prince ! said she to him , one of the greatest proofs i can give thee that i yet love thee , is not to hate thee , after thou hast said so many disobliging things to me . they rather make against thee than me , and i cannot employ them better to thy confusion and my own advantage , than by confessing that they are true . yes , continued she , hippolito has lov'd me ; hippolito to serve me , neither fear'd the hatred of a favorite , nor the indignation of a king ; he respects me , he does every thing to please me . he would have protected me when i was abandon'd by all the world , nay , he has done more , for he has ruin'd himself for my sake . what didst thou ever do like this ? thou wilt tell me that thou lovest me ; how ! love me , and not show common civility to me ; thou who ought'st to have shewn it to my sex , altho' it was not due to my quality . and yet what ill-condition'd master ever treated a slave more unworthily than thou hast treated me , and who would have thus trampl'd on a person who loves thee so well as i do ? no , no , prince , thou hast no reason to complain , and thou art oblig'd to me that i don't . but i will go farther than this : i will own , if thou wilt have me , crimes that i never committed . i will never see hippolito more , nay i will be ungrateful to him , that thou mayst not be so to me . in fine , to regain thy heart , there is nothing so difficult but i will put it in execution . and there is nothing impossible to those bright eyes , says the prince to her , adjusting his perriwig . they have disarm'd me of all my anger , and provided they always keep their favourable glances for me , the too happy prosper will never adore any one but the beautiful mathilda . the amorous princess thought herself more than paid with these few compliments of her old gallant . in a less publick place perhaps she would have thrown herself at his feet , to thank him for this mighty condescension , but neither time nor place would give her leave to answer him . the king came out of his chamber : she begg'd of prosper to stand by her when she spoke to him , but he shrinking away from her , told her , that it was not convenient for them to be seen together , for some reasons that he could tell her . she perceived well enough , that he was afraid of making his court ill , but she was so near the king , that she had not time to reproach prosper , with being a better courtier than a lover . she presented herself to the king , paid her respects to him , and made her compliment of thanks . the king receiv'd her very coldly , and his answer was so ambiguous , that it might be interpreted as well to her disadvantage as otherwise but the sweet things that prosper had said to her , gave her such satisfaction , that his last ingratitude , in refusing to introduce her to the king , made no impression upon her mind , no more than the ill reception his majesty gave her , so much transported she was to be reconcil'd to her imperious lover . that day she was visited by all the ladies of quality in naples , who agreed to go a hunting the next morning a horseback , in a campaign dress , and caps set off with feathers . the greatest gallants at court were there , so we may easily imagine , that the prince of salerno , who was gallantry it self , made one of the company . this was not all ; he resolv'd to make the princess a present , which he had never done before . he sent her a most passionate letter , attended with a fine cap ; but to tell the truth , he himself sorted and order'd the feathers , by the same token that there was not one new feather amongst them . as i take it , i have already observ'd , that he had an admirable fancy at feathers . this was the only vanity on which he would lay out any money , tho' to do him justice , he husbanded his plumes to a miracle , for he would often diversify them , transplanting them from one cap to another , and as old as they were , knew how to make them appear fresh and new upon occasion , as well as if he had serv'd seven years apprenticeship to the trade . i am willing to believe that he sat up the best part of the night to put it in order , that nothing might be wanting to so magnificent a present . the princess receiv'd it as if it had been sent her from heaven , gave him a hundred more thanks than it deserv'd , and promis'd him in a letter she sent in answer to his , that she would honour herself with this miraculous cap as long as she liv'd . i will not tell you what sport they had in the chase , because the particulars never arriv'd to my knowledge . but we may reasonably suppose , that some of their horses founder'd , that the cavaliers were so well-bred as to wait upon the ladies , that prosper display'd all his gallantry , and that he engross'd the whole talk to himself , being the greatest talker of his age . our ladies were so well pleas'd with the chase , that they resolv'd to take their pleasure the next day ; and in order to change their diversion , they design'd to go by sea to puzzolo , where the princess mathilda promis'd to give them a collation and musick . they no less spruc'd themselves up for their voyage by water , than they had done the day before for hunting . the boats that carried them were finely adorn'd , cover'd with rich tapestry , whether of turky or china , i won't be positive , and the meanest cushions were of silk or velvet . prosper would needs go thither by land , and had none but his dear self to accompany him , either to save money , or because he was melancholy , for some folks are so out of pride . he was mounted upon his finest horse , had dress'd himself in his richest campaign suit , and loaded his head with the spoils of many an ostridge . hippolito's house lay in the road to puzzolo , near the sea , and the prince of salerno must of necessity ride just by it . he no sooner saw it , but a noble thought came into his head . he knew that hippolito was at home , and alighted from his horse to have a little conversation with him . hippolito receiv'd him with all the respect and civility that was due to his quality , altho' the other had not the manners to return it . prosper made him a very rude compliment upon his presuming to be in love with a princess , who was to be his wife . hippolito bore all his impertinence for a long while , and answer●d him with all the sweetness imaginable , that he ought not to be offended at his gallantry , which a love without hopes put him upon . but at last prosper's insolence forc'd him to change his language , and he had already call'd for his horse to go out and fight him , when word was brought him that the sea was very tempestuous , and that the boats wherein the ladies were , which they could behold from the shore , were in danger of being dash'd against the rocks . hippolito did not doubt but that these ladies were mathilda and her company , he perswaded prosper to run to the relief of their common mistriss , who excus'd himself upon his not being able to swim , and that he was not yet recover'd of the bruise he receiv'd when he run at the ring . the generous hippolito , detesting in his soul the ingratitude of his rival , ran or rather flew to the sea-shore . his servants follow'd him , threw themselves into the sea after his example , and by the assistance of some fishermen , who happen'd by good luck to be upon the coast , they made a shift to save mathilda's life , and the ladies in her company . their boats were overturn'd within a hundred yards of the shore ; and naples had bewail'd the loss of all its beauties at once , if it had not been for this seasonable relief . hippolito was so happy , that mathilda ow'd her life to him . his love made him soon distinguish her from the other ladies , whom the waves were going to dash against the rocks that bound the shore . while the fishermen and his servant help'd the first persons they found , he caught hold of the princess just as she rose above water , and holding her with one hand , while he swum with the other towards the shore , he happily gain'd it without any one to help him . mathilda found herself much more ill after her shipwrack , than the rest of the ladies that were sav'd with her . after they had vomited their salt-water , chang'd their cloaths and recover'd their fright , they were able that very day to take coach for naples . as for the princess of tarento , it was a long time before they brought her to herself . even then they much doubted her life , and hippolito and his sister ir●ne took all the care of her that was possible . he sent to naples for the ablest physicians , besides him belonging to the princess , and quitted his house intirely to mathilda , and to some of her domesticks that came to wait on her . he and his servants made a shift to lodge at a little farm not far from his own house , and sent every other moment to enquire how the princess did , when he could not go thither himself . as for prosper , very well pleas●d with the rough compliment he had pass'd upon hippolito , he left mathilda and the rest of the ladies to swim for themselves as well as they could , without troubling his head what became of them ; thinking perhaps , that since he was none of the fittest man to help them , he ought not to pollute his eyes with so 〈◊〉 a spectacle , and so jogg'd on gently to naples , expecting the doubtful event of the shipwrack , to rejoice at it or otherwise , according as it would have made him happy or unhappy . in the mean time mathilda , assisted by her youth , and the remedies that were given her , recover'd her health and beauty all at once , and was extreamly satisfied with the great care of hippolito and his sister , who dexterously insinuated to her , with what indifference prosper had beheld the peril she was in . mathilda did not discover the least mark of resentment in her face or discourse ; whether it were because her love master'd it , or because she dissembled her ill usage . the night before she design'd to leave hippolito's house and return to naples , she could not sleep , and call'd for a book and a candle . her women were gone out of her chamber to sleep or do something , else , when she saw prosper come into the room . we may readily guess what a surprize she was in , to see him at so unseasonable an hour , and how much she look'd upon herself affronted by so disrespectful a visit : she spoke to him of it with some warmth . prosper was warmer than she , and as if this princess had thrown herself into this danger of losing her life , on purpose to give hippolito the glory of saving it , he reproach'd her with her shipwrack , as a blemish to her honour , and tax'd her with infidelity , because she was in the house of one that was in love with her , lodg●d in his chamber , and lay in his bed. mathilda wou'd not condescend to shew him how unjust his reproaches were , but retorted upon him for not having endeavour'd to save her , and in a cutting way of raillery , complain'd of him for not being able to swim , as also for not being fully recover'd of his late dangerous fall . prosper redden'd with anger and confusion , treated her with opprobrious language , and told her he would never see her any more , since roger the king's favourite offer'd him his sister , and with her all the advantages he might expect from the alliance of a man in his post. mathilda could not hold out against so terrible a menace ; her blood curdl'd within her , and her love soon conquer'd her indignation . she had began to exert herself a little , but all on the sudden became a suppliant . he relented too on his side when he saw her humbl'd as much as he thought convenient , and according to his custom cajol'd her , and said the same soft things to her as he ought to have done , if in all the love qurrrels he had had with her , he had never trespass'd against the respect and tenderness he ow'd her . he made new protestations of love to her , and straining hard to surprize her by some topping compliments , he made very impertinent ones , for he wish'd her all sorts of adversities , that he might have an opportunity forsooth of convincing her , how much he was her humble servant for god's sake madam , said he to her , in a passionate tone , why are you not out of favour at court ? oh that you were still persecuted by roger ! oh that you were yet out of your principality of tarento ! that you might see with what zeal and ardour i would sollicite the king for you ! with what vigour i would espouse your cause against your enemies , and whether i should be afraid to venture my person , and all that i am worth in the world , to re-instate you in what was usurp'd from you . come , come , says the princess , there 's no necessity that i should be more unfortunate than i am , to give you the opportunity of shewing your generosity ; and i would not willingly put your love to so dangerous a proof . they were engag'd in this discourse , when a noise of confus'd and dreadful voices , that cry'd out fire , made them run to the windows , where they saw all the lower part of the house under them , vomiting fire and smoke , and at the same time the flames began to enter the chamber by the stair-case , and took from them all hopes of saving themselves that way , as prosper was preparing to do . the princess all in a fright , conjur'd him not to abandon her in so great a danger , and propos'd to him to make use of the sheets and hangings to get out of the window . the prince , as much affrighted as she , told her , that they would not have time to do it ; and measuring with his eyes the height of the windows , and considering which would be the best way to leap into the court , he told mathilda very plainly , that upon these occasions every one ought to shift for himself . but thou shalt not go without me , said she to him very resolutely , and i will run no danger here , which the most ungrateful and ungenerous man alive shall not partake with me . she had no sooner said these words , but she caught hold of prosper , and her indignation at his baseness gave her so much strength , that in spite of all his striving and struggling , he could not disengage himself from her . he swore , he call'd her names , he was brute enough to threaten to drub or kill her , ( i don't know which of the two it was ) and had certainly been as good as his word , if at the time as he was tugging with her , as rudely and fiercely as if he had been to deal with an enemy , the generous hippolito had not come into the room . the princess seeing him , left prosper at liberty , and came up to hippolito , who without giving her time to speak to him , cover'd her with a wet sheet , which he had brought on purpose , and taking her in his arms , he threw himself like a lion with his prey through the flames , which now fill'd all the stair-case . he had no sooner set her down in a place of safety , but was so generous to do the same service for his rival . 't is true , he burnt his cloaths , sing'd his hair and his eye-brows ; but i would fain know what signifies the burning of ones cloaths or the singing of ones hair , to a man whose heart was burnt to a coal by love ? while mathilda recover'd her spirits , and prosper got back to naples , without so much as thanking his deliverer , the other beheld his house burnt down to the ground , and with that his furniture and horses , in short , all that his former profuseness had left him : mathilda was afflicted at it , i will not say more than he was , for alas he scarce thought at all of it , but as much as if she had seen all that she had dear in the world destroy'd . she look'd upon herself to be the occasion of this misfortune to him , and indeed she was not mistaken . her cousin roger , who had reconcil'd himself to her with no other intention , but to accomplish her ruine more easie , had brib'd some of hippolito's servants , that were villains enough to take his money , to lay a great deal of combustible stuff in the vaults and cellars of his house , and set it on fire in the dead of the night , when all the family was asleep . this unjust favourite made no conscience to ruin a poor gentleman , nay , procure his death too , provided he could do the same to a relation , whose estate he hop'd by this means to inherit ; and as if her death would not satisfie him , which had most infallibly happen'd , in case his design had succeeded , he likewise endeavour'd to make her memory odious . at the time when hippolito's house was on fire , roger had manag'd his cards so dexterously , that messengers were order'd to search mathilda's palace , and opening her closet found some forg'd letters there , which seem'd to be written to the duke of anjou , and plainly convinc'd her of keeping a private intelligence with that dangerous enemy of the government . our unfortunate princess receiv'd this unlucky news , just as she was going to send to naples for her coaches to bring her home . she was extreamly troubled at it , and without staying a moment longer , ran to naples with all her servants a foot in the most lamentable condition that can be imagin'd . hippolito offer'd to accompany her , but she positively forbid him , fearing i suppose to disoblige her musty spark prosper ; and thus our unhappy lover saw her depart , and was infinitely more concern'd at this last misfortune which had befal'n the princess , and at her commanding him to leave her , than at the burning of his house . mathilda no sooner came to naples , but she was taken into custody . she demanded to speak with the king , but it was refus'd her . she sent to speak with prosper , but the old gentleman pretended to be wondrous sick , and thus mathilda beheld herself all at once abandon'd by all her friends , as if she had been infected with the plague . the very same day she receiv'd an order from the king to leave naples . her own domesticks basely and scandalously deserted her ; her creditors , without any respect to her quality , persecuted her most unmercifully : in short , she was reduc'd to so wretched a condition , that she could not procure coach nor horse , to carry her to a certain prince of italy , who was the nearest relation she had in the world next to roger , and who had always espous'd her quarrel against that haughty favourite . being thus forsaken by all her friends , destitute even of the necessaries of life , and uncapable of obeying so rigorous an order , she took sanctuary in a convent , where they would not receive her without his majesty●s permission for so doing , who granted it , upon condition that she should leave it that very night . she went out of it in disguise● and so secretly , that with all the search and enquiry hippolito cou'd make , he could not meet the least information which way she was gone . however , he resolv'd to follow her just as chance directed him , rather than sit still at home , and make no enquiry after her . while he was in quest of her , or at least fancied he was , she thought no more of him , and prosper thought no more of her . he represented her as a criminal of state , made his court very regularly to the king and his favourite : and as the generality of mankind use to alter their measures with the time , he made love to camilla , roger's sister , and begg'd of the king to help on the marriage . the king , who look'd upon it as an advantagious match for the sister of his confident , whom he lov'd the best of any subject in his dominions , spoke about it to his favourite , who always likes that which his master likes . this sister of roger was one of the most beautiful ladies of naples , and tho' she shar'd in her brother 's good fortune , yet she had no hand in his wicked designs . as she was look'd upon at court to be the best match in the kingdom , she look'd upon hippolito to be the compleatest gentleman of his time , and perhaps lov'd him , or at least would have lov'd him , if she had not beheld him so passionately in love with another . she took mathilda's misfortune so to heart , and was so generous in her temper , that if she had in the least suspected that it was all owing to her brother , she would most undoubtedly have reproach'd him with so black an action , and been one of the first to exclaim against it . she was so afflicted at hippolito's late loss , that not valuing what the world would say of her , she went to find him at his habitation that was burnt down to the ground , to offer him money , or whatever he wanted that lay in her power . she met with his sister there , who little expected such a visit , much less to be invited to take up her quarters at camilla's house . this beautiful lady could not refuse so obliging an offer , and went with her to naples . what better course could a young person of her sex and condition take , who found herself without a farthing to relieve her , without a house to cover her , without hopes of mending her fortune , in a country too , where she scarce knew any one but her brother , who was as good as lost to her , since as soon as he was inform'd that mathilda had left naples , he ran in quest of her like a mad-man , without knowing whether she was gone . that day on which camilla went to find irene at her brother●s house , with a design to carry her home with her , the king was pleas'd to honour her with a visit , and presented to her our gallant prince of salerno and all his gallantry . camilla , who had hippolito always in her thoughts , receiv'd prosper's compliments with as much indifference , as she express'd thankfulness to the king for condescending to see her . the sorrowful irene bore her company , and under all her affliction appear'd so charming to the eyes of the young king , that he fell in love with her . his love was violent in its very infancy . he approached her with as much respect and awe , as if she had been in his condition , and he in hers . he said a thousand fine things to her upon her beauty , and this lovely young lady , who demean'd herself neither with too much haugh●ness nor submission , discover'd at once so much wit , prudence and modesty , that he consider'd her from that very moment as the only happiness that was wanting to his fortune . he stay'd at camilla's house as long as possible he cou'd , and the pleasure he took in conversing with irene , was so much the more taken notice of , as the young king had alw●ys seem'd insensible to love , and behaved himself with great coldness towards all the most celebrated beauties of naples . irene was so charming that it was impossible for a man , tho never so little inclin'd to love , and never so uncapable to judge of her merit , to avoid falling in love with her . camilla before she knew her , intended to serve her for her brothers sake , but no sooner came she acquainted with her , but she lov●d her for her own . she easily believ'd that the king was in love with her , because she desir'd it , and far from envying her good fortune , as any other handsom lady but herself wou'd have done , she rejoyc'd at it exceedingly . she congratulated irene upon so important a conquest , and had without question flatter'd the vanity and hopes of any lady less presuming than her . but this modest damosell cou'd not be perswaded , but that the king was more a gallant than a lover , that he had no other design but only to divert himself , and that he wou'd think no more of her , when he was out of her sight . but she was mistaken : it was not long before the king came again to her to acquaint her with his passion , which was so impetuous that it wou'd not suffer him to be longer without seeing her than that very evening after he fell in love with her . he told the prince of salerno that he was resolv'd to go incognito after the spanish mode to make love to irene under camilla's balcony . prosper was mightily pleas'd to be made the confident of his master's pleasures , and accompany him in an amorous adventure . in all probability roger had been chosen for this affair , or at least had bore his share in it , but that very day he had taken his leave of the king to go to tarento , whither some important business call●d him . the night came , and the king accompanied by prosper , who was armed like himself after the italian manner , that is to say , with more offensive arms than a single man can be suppos●d to want , came under camilla's balcony , who had been before hand acquainted with his coming by prosper . she knew the method and good breeding of the court too well , not to leave the king at liberty to entertain himself with his mistriss in private . for this reason she retir'd to another balcony , notwithstanding all the intreaties of irene to stay with her . the king reproach'd this young lady for her uneasiness to be alone with him , and told her , that she ●ow'd at least some complaisance to a king , who had for her something above it . i should owe all to your majesty , reply'd irene , if i did not likewise owe something to my self , which i cannot owe to any one else . and what do you owe to your self , says the king , which you do not owe to my love ? why not to believe that you have any for me , answers irene . alas ! cries the king sighing , there is nothing so sure , and there is nothing i would not willingly do to hinder you from doubting it . if i could believe what you tell me , says she , i should have more reason to complain of your majesty , than thank you for it . how cruel damosel , answer'd the king , and can a passion so sincere as mine offend you . it wou'd be a honour to some great queen , replies irene , but it wou'd very much call in question the judgment of any one else . 't is true indeed , says the king , that you are no queen , but she that deserves to be one , is in a possibility of making one . i am not so vain of my own merit , answers irene , as to expect any such alteration in my fortune , and your majesty has more goodness , than to divert yourself longer at the expence of an unhappy creature . beautiful irene , says our amorous prince , i love you as much as 't is possible for the most passionate and faithful lover in the universe to love you , and if my tongue has inform'd you of what my looks and sighs cou'd not have acquainted you with in so short a time , don't think that i have any design to dispense by my quality any of the pains of a long servitude , or any of the services and cares which the most charming woman upon earth may expect from the most respectful lover . but so violent a pain as mine wants a speedy remedy , and you ought to be satisfied in my opinion , however scrupulous and rigid you may be towards a king , who is afraid to displease you , with this declaration of my love. he said to her abundance of things more passionate than this , which the person who overheard them unluckily forgot , as i can assure you he did . so i leave the discreet reader to imagin them within himself ; for to make a king of naples express himself so tenderly as ours did , and at the same time not to maim his thoughts , a man must be as much in love as he was , which i humbly presume is none of my business at present . irene always answer'd him with her usual modesty , and without shewing herself too hard , or too easie to be perswaded , she disengag'd herself so handsomely from so nice a conversation , that it increas'd the king's esteem for her , who parted from her infinitely more in love than he had been before . from that time there passed not a day over his head , in which he did not visit camilla and irene , nor a night but he came to that lady's balcony , where he employ'd all his amorous eloquence , to perswade her of the sincerity of his passion . one night that he had given orders to his guards not to attend him , he walked in a disguise through the streets of naples , accompanied only by the prince of salerno , and found so much diversion in this ramble , that the greatest part of the night was spent when he came to camilla's balcony . he found this post already taken up by two men , or at least they stood so near it , that they must needs have overheard every word of the conversation he hop'd to have with irene . one of these men parted from the other and went into camilla's house , and his companion tarried in the street . the king stay'd a while to see whether he would not go away of himself , and leave him the street free ; but finding that he stirr'd no more from the place than a statue , he grew impatient , and commanded prosper to go and see what the fellow meant by staying there , and oblige him to retire . the prince of salerno walked toward him , with as much difficulty as if he had been sent upon some dangerous exploit , and the other seeing him come up retired from him . prosper was resolv'd to see who he was , the other mended his pace , and seeing that prosper did the same , he very fairly betook himself to his heels , and the prince of salerno ran after him , and cours'd him into another street . in the mean time the king did not stir from his place , expecting every moment when prosper would come back , that he might send him to camilla and irene , to let them know that he expected them under her balcony , and in all probability he was wholly taken up with his amour , for a lover does nothing else when he is alone , when the man who had parted from him whom prosper pursu'd came out of camilla's house , and mistaking the king for his comrade : look calixtus , said he to him , here is your dispatch . the governour of cajetta will order you a vessel to carry you to marseilles . the king without returning any answer , receiv'd the packet of letters which ●e presented to him . calixtus , adds this unknown person , ●he rest depends upon thy diligence : and thou hast in thy ●●ands the fortune of the duke of anjou , thy master and ●nine . ha! ungrateful villain and traitor ! what wicked ●esigns art thou carrying on against me , cries the king , lay●ng his hand upon his sword. roger , for it prov'd to be ●im , distracted at his making so fatal a mistake , and hurried ●n by his despair to be more wicked than he was , thought of ●othing but losing his life , and taking away that of the king , who had lov'd him so tenderly . the reproaches which he so unjustly expected for his unparallell'd ingrati●ude and villany , affrighted him as much as the severest tor●●ents that cou'd be inflicted on him . he put his hand to ●is sword almost at the same time as the king did , who ●arg'd him with so much vigour and fury , that roger , trou●ed with a remorse for his crime , was for a long time forc'd to defend himself . at last , his rage filling him with new strength and courage , he push'd furiously at the king , whom he look'd upon now to be no otherwise than his enemy ; and by the desperate thrusts he made at his sacred person , oblig'd him likewise to defend himself . but kings , who may be valiant as well as other men , are usually assisted by a more powerful genius than that of ordinary mortals . roger , as brave and furious and desperate as he was , cou'd not have maintain'd his ground long against his incens'd prince , altho the clashing of swords had not brought several persons upon the spot , who could hardly be kept from hacking to pieces an execrable villain , who durst attack the life of his soveraign . his own domestics , and those of camilla were the first that came with lights into the street , and were strangely surprized to see their master engaged with the king. the unfortunate roger no sooner saw the light which exposed him to the terrible looks of his prince , but he was utterly confounded . his rage and his valour abandoned him both at once , and his sword dropt out of his hand . the king , who had the pleasure to see him wounded , after he had had occasion for all his valour to hinder himself from being wounded by him , seized him with his own hands , and gave him to the captain of his guards , who came luckily by with a party of soldiers , and had receiv'd orders to watch all night long the avenues leading to camilla's house . in the mean time prosper ran after his men , who , flying from him as fast as his legs wou'd carry him , unluckily fell into the hands of the watch , who were walking their rounds that night , as their custom was to prevent all disorders in the streets . he seem'd so astonisht , and falter'd so strangely in his answers , that they had certainly stopt him , altho prosper , who pursued with sword in hand , and had made himself known unto them had not commanded them in the kings name to secure him and to be answerable for his forth coming . he immediately sent back to acquaint the king with what he had done and if he was surpriz'd to see such a number of flambeaux i● the street , and the king surrounded by such crowds of people , he was much more so to find what had past between the king and roger ; and to see that favourite , who● all the court so lately ador'd , curst by all the company and in the hands of the guards , who were carrying him to prison . that night the king did not see irene , because 〈◊〉 wou'd avoid the sight of camilla , whom he order'd prosp●● to wait upon , and to assure her from his mouth , that 〈◊〉 distinguish'd her from her brother , whose crime should not in the least lessen his esteem for her . irene writ to him in favour of roger ; and to oblige camilla , did that which the repeated instances of an amorous prince could not obtain from her . the next day roger was examin'd , and found guilty of high treason , for maintaining a private correspondence with the duke of anjou , who had a great party still in the kingdom of naples . he had been inform'd by some of them of the insatiable ambition of roger , and having offer'd to him in marriage a princess of his own blood , with certain advantages , which he cou'd not hope from his present master , this ungrateful favourite , violating his faith and honour , had engag'd to receive the french in cajetta and castellamara , whereof he was governour . the same judges who convicted him of treason against his prince , discovered his villainous plot against the princess of tarento ; and now that mirrour of constancy the prince of salerno , who had abandon'd her when he saw her in disgrace , to offer his services to camilla , whom he saw in favour , no sooner did he find the king repent of the ill treatment he had given her , and resolv'd to re-instate her in her former honour and fortune , which had been unjustly taken away from her , but likewise to confer new ones upon her , but this generous lord , who had so lately importun'd the king to marry him to camilla , now humbly entreated him to dispense with his promise , and give him leave to carry on his pretensions to mathilda , and desir'd his majesty , who design'd to make enquiry after her , to leave the care of that to him , and give him a commission to go and find her where-ever he cou'd hear any news of her , in order to bring her again to court. the kings affection was too deeply settled upon the beautiful irene , not to think of her brother hippolito , and be concern'd that no body cou'd tell where he was . he dispatche courriers into all parts of italy , who had orders to enquire after him as they searched for mathilda , and in case they found him , to bring him to naples . he hoped by this means to convince irene , how cordially he espous'd the interests of her family , and how much it afficted him , that she knew not what was become of her brother , whom she lov'd so dearly . this amorous cavalier , after he had searched a long time for his princess with the utmost care and diligence , without being able to find her , resign'd himself to that blind guide chance , and ●ambl'd where-ever his horse carried him , making no longer a stay in any place than his horse and that of his servants , who we may suppose were not so sollicitous in the search of mathilda , had time to rest themselves . as for him , he enjoy'd no more repose than a condemn'd criminal , and after he had pass'd whole days in sighing on horseback , he spent whole nights in complaining to the trees and rocks of the cruelty and absence of mathilda , and quarrelling with the innocent stars , that generally lighted him to bed , because he lay in the open fields , and under the canopy of heaven . one day , when he was so taken up with his melancholy thoughts , that he did not consider that his servant and his horses cou'd not like himself , feed upon so slender a diet as love , he found himself towards sun-setting near a solitary inn , which rather look'd like a retreat for cut-throats and banditti , than a place to lodge travellers . hippolito rode beyond it , for your true lover is an indefatigable animal , when his valet inform'd him , that his horses were not able to jog on a step further , for meer lassitude and hunger , not to talk of himself , who wanted to eat and repose himself as well as they ; upon this our despairing lover condescended to alight , but the inn-keeper , who stood before his gate , with his wife and an ill-look'd fellow , who seem'd to be a soldier , told him rudely , that he had no place to entertain him in , and that his rooms as well as his stables were all taken up . hippolito was not much concern'd that he cou'd not get a lodging here , and his servant despair'd of getting one , when the soldier that stood by the inn-keeper , after he had whisper'd a few words in his ear , told hippolito in calabrian , that if he pleas'd he might come in , and that he should be very proud to lend his room to so fine a gentleman , and while hippolito made a scruple to accept so courteous an offer , the man of the house , that spoke so rudely to him a little before , came and held his stirrup , while he alighted , with a smiling cut-throat look , which shew'd he design'd to make a penny of him . thus hippolito was perswaded to come into the inn. he would not eat a bit , and having only drank a glass of water , ( for philosophers have observ'd that love and sorrow are very dry ) he walk'd out to take a turn or two , in a place very proper to entertain his melancholy contemplations , which he had observ'd , not far from the inn. in the mean time his valet sat down to supper with the landlord and his wife , and the civil calabrian , who had so obligingly parted with his chamber to hippolito . he fell on like a man that was half starv'd , and did not guzzle down so much wine as he cou'd have done , because he was forc'd to call upon his master to put him in mind of going to bed , which was a thing he frequently forgot . he went to find him among the rocks , where he found him feeding his melancholy , by reflecting upon the ill condition of his affairs and his love , and brought him back to the inn , where they shew'd a vile room , with a bed more vile than that , and which having no curtains , lay expos'd to the sun and wind on all sides . hippolito would not undress , but threw himself with his cloaths upon the bed , and his man upon another , where he slept so heartily , that it would have made any man but his master envy him , who for his part could not sleep a wink ; but a true lover would think he had committed an unpardonable sin , should he sleep like other mortals . in a short time all the people in the inn were got to bed , and every thing was hush'd , when some persons on horseback disturb'd their repose , and thunder'd at the gate , like men that were impatient to be let in . the man of the house , that got up to see what the matter was , knew them , and open'd the gate to them . soon after hippolito heard the next chamber to his open ; several persons went into it , and some of them went out again immediately , while the rest that stay'd talk'd to one another . he was too much taken up with his own private affairs , to have any great curiosity for those of other people , and he had not listen'd to their discourse , if one of them had not talked so loud , that he fancied he was not unacquainted with the voice . this made him desirous to know what they talk'd of , and at last he heard them speak the following words distinctly . yes , my dear iulia , i must once more say it , few persons of my condition have been treated worse by fortune than my self , she has plung'd me in miseries that are not to be parallel'd : but as great and vexatious as they are , they don't so much disturb me as the ingratitude wherewith the basest of men requites my affection for him ; and this ingratitude does not sit so heavy on me , as mine to the man whom i ought to love . i blame myself incessantly for it , and my inquietude on this score is infinitely more afflicting to me , than all the losses i have sustain'd , and all the calamities that oppress me . the other person that took up the discourse talk'd so low , that hippolito could hear nothing but a few incoherent words , that were frequently interrupted by sighs . he got up and crept to the wainscot which divided the two rooms , but the noise he made was heard by the persons whom he had a mind to listen to , so their conversation ceas'd , but not the sighs of the afflicted party , whose voice he imagin'd to resemble that of mathilda . the reader may easily guess how impatient he ●as to know whether he was mistaken , and to satisfie himself in so important a doubt , he was preparing to go out of his chamber , when all on the sudden the door open'd , and by the ●●ght of a dark lanthorn , he saw four men come into the room with their swords in their hands , among whom he observ'd the calabrian soldier and the master of the house . if he was surpriz'd at so unseasonable a visit from these men , who did not seem to come with any good design , they were no less so to find him up and awake , who they hoped was in a sound sleep . hippolito clapping his hand to his sword , ask'd them what they wanted in his chamber at such an hour and in such an equipage ; and he no sooner saw them put themselves in a posture to attack him , but he fell upon the first with such bravery and skill , that he soon made the room too hot for ' em . in the mean time his footman awak'd , follow'd the noise , and seeing his master set upon by so many enemies , seconded him very valiantly at that instant , when having wounded all those that had attack'd him , he had laid the most dangerous of them at his feet . these men defended themselves like fellows that did not value their lives ; but tho they had been more in number than really they were , yet they could not have resisted the valiant hippolito , seconded by so courageous a servant . he kill'd another of his enemies , and the two that were left very fairly betook themselves to their heels . he was so vex'd at a slight wound he receiv'd in his own arm , that he was resolv'd to pursue them , and in all probability had clear'd the world of them , as well as he had done of the other sparks , if these villains had not been so wise in their fear , as to make one leap of it down the stair-case , and shut the door after them . hippolito was a long while before he could open it , which gave the two murderers time enough make their ●●escape , so that he and his man return'd to the inn without them . he ran directly to the chamber , where he thought he had heard mathilda's voice , but found it open and no one in it , no more than in the rest of the rooms in the house , which he search'd with as much care as inquietude fulvio , said he to his man , i heard mathilda talk , i knew her voice , and no one but such an unhappy wretch as i am , could have mist her when she was so near him . he afterwards repeated to fulvio the words he heard mathilda speak , interpreted them to his advantage , as he had some reason to do , but instead of giving him consolation , they only ●●●●reas'd his affliction , for he thought this was a trick of for ●●●●e , to let him hear mathilda's voice , for no other end 〈◊〉 to make him more concern'd for not being able to 〈◊〉 her , or know what was become of her . he look'd a 〈◊〉 this princess in all the places thereabout , and was 〈◊〉 otted as to come back to the inn to search her there , 〈◊〉 a soul was to be seen , except only in the stable 〈◊〉 whence fulvio took four horses besides his own 〈◊〉 master 's . hippolito quitted this inn in the most pensive condition that can be imagin'd . fulvio propos'd to carry off the theives horses , as being lawfull prize , and represented to him , that perhaps they might find mathilda , and then they should want a steed to mount her on . hippolito did not hear what he said , or else would not vouchsafe to make him an answer , so strangely was he taken up with his melancholy thoughts . fulvio took his masters silence for consent , and tying the horses by the tail , drove them before him , designing , i suppose , to make ready money of them , the first chapman he could find , they rode part of the day together , without hippolito's answering so much as one of the many questions fulvio put to him , in order to divert him : they lost their way , and at last were got among a parcel of barren rocks by the sea-side that was hard by , and ended in a sandy plain . among these rocks , in a creek where the sea run into the land , as they came from a narrow lane , they fell upon a company of peasants , arm'd with all sorts of clubs and weapons , who where at first surpriz'd to see two men on horseback , followed with so many horses without any to ride them ; but taking heart of grace to see so few , and themselves so many , for there was at least a hundred of them got together , they encompassed them in a tumultous manner , and held the butt ends of their muskets against them ; some cry'd out , who goes there ? others , who are you for ? others , knock them down , and lastly , some more conscientious , who are ye ? hippolito could not answer so many questions at once , and these ill-bred clowns made such a confounded noise that there was no hearing of him . at last an old man of a tolerable good aspect , who afterwards discover'd that he commanded these formidable hero's ( for then every man set up for himself ) partly by speaking out a loud to them , which set him a coughing like an alderman at church , and partly by the rhetorick of a good oaken ●●dgel , made a shift to compose the mutiny . he asked hippolito peaceably and civilly who he was , and what business he had in so solitary a place , so remote from the great road. hippolito told him that he was a cavalier of naples , and that he had lost his way to ancona . he then asked the old spark what business brought so many people together , who inform'd him that some corsairs of barbary had ●anded a great number of soldiers , that had pillaged some places near the sea , and finding none to oppose them , and ●●ovetous of a greater booty , were so foolhardy as to march higher into the country . he added , that most of these men whom he saw arm'd , were robb'd , and that they resolv'd under his conduct to wait the coming of the enemy , and fight them as they came back with their slaves and the plunder of a neighbouring village , which in all probability they were gone to attack ; that 't was impossible for the moors to escape them , there being no other way for them to get back to the sea again but this , and that it was not so much the loss of their goods that had encouraged these peasants to attempt so bold a design , as that of their wives and children . hippolito offer'd to venture his life in their quarrel , and they took him at his word . the old man gave him the command of them , which he accepted , to the great satisfaction and joy of our boors , who promis'd themselves mighty matters from hippolito's military phiz . four of the likeliest among them , of which the old fellow was one , were mounted upon the four horses , which the provident fulvio had brought with him from the inn. hippolito divided his men into three parties . he posted one among the rocks , where they cou'd not be seen by the enemy , with orders not to fight them before they came up to them . he posted the second in a narrow passage that led towards the sea , to hinder the infidels from getting back to their ships , and he placed himself with his men on horseback at the head of the third , encouraging them to behave themselves bravely , and fall in with the enemy to make their arrows uneffectual . he had scarce given these orders , and posted his men , when the enemy appear'd to the number of a hundred and fifty men. they drove several horses before their main-body laden with booty , and the women and children they had made their slaves . being old experienc'd soldiers , they were not at all discourag'd to see hippolito and his troop march towards them , or perhaps they despised so small a number . i will not trouble my self to set down the particulars of this noble battle between the moorish corsairs and our peasants , altho' hippolito did abundance of gallant actions there , which deserve to be remembred . i will only tell you that his orders were well executed , that the arrows of the moors did them little or no harm , because they fell in with them so gallant●y , that he began their overthrow with the death of their captain , and concluded it by that of their stou●est men. our peasants when they were once blooded put all the moors to the sword , whether they cry'd out quarter or no , notwithstanding all the endeavours hippolito used to prevent this massacre , the dead were lamen●ed as much as the common joy would give them leave , and the wounded bound up their wounds . hippolito received a thousand commendations , and as many thanks from these poor people , who believed they should not have got the better if it had not been for him . they offered him the best part of the booty they recover'd from the enemy , which be refus'd , as likewise to go and make merry with them after the victory , when fulvio brought two women before him in the habit of pilgrims , one of whom had no sooner taken off a great hat which hid her face , but he knew her to be mathilda . he alighted , or rather he leapt from his horse , to throw himself at the feet of this princess , who embrac'd him with all the marks of tenderness that shew'd nothing of that disobliging treatment , which the tyranny of the prince of salerno had oblig'd her formerly to shew to hippolito . this faithful lover wanted expressions to tell mathilda how glad he was to see her , never did his eloquence leave him so in the lurch ; never did he so strain to declare his thoughts , and at the same time murder them . in short he did not know what he did , so great was the disorder of his mind . he was uncertain for some time whether he should inform mathilda of the pains he had been at to find her , so much did his excessive modesty keep him from valuing himself upon his services . however he gave her at last a true recital of his adventures , ever since he had left naples for her sake , and forgot not to acquaint her with what happened to him ●n the inn , where as he fancied , he had heard her voice . mathilda gave him abundance of thanks for these last obligations she had to him , adding that she looked upon herself to owe both her life and honour to him , since the defeat of the moors was entirely owing to his bravery and conduct . she own'd to him that it was she who was in the next chamber to him at the inn , promised to inform him by what accident she was carried thither , and in short to give him her whole history , when she had a convenient time and place . the other pilgrim that accompanied mathilda was one of her chamber-maids called iulia , who was the only servant that had fidelity enough to follow the same fortune with her mistriss , and bear a part in all her afflictions . 't is very probable that fulvio and she were ●●lad to see one another ; and for my part , i am apt to believe that they said abundance of fine things , and displayed their subaltern eloquence ( if i may so express my self ) very plentifully upon this occasion . our victorious peasants that observ'd with what concern hippolito and mathilda received one another , redoubled their courteous offers to hippolito , who made no difficulty to accept them for the princess's sake . among the rest the old man , who as i have already taken notice , led the peasants on to battel , before hippolito came to them , begg'd of him and mathilda that they would do him the honour to take a sorry lodging at his house , which they accepted . he sent one of his sons in all haste to get all things ready at home for the better reception of his guests , and now they prepared for their journey . mathilda and iulia were mouuted upon the two best horses they could find . among several women , whom they freed out of the hands of the moors , fulvio observ'd one , whom he thought he had seen somewhere , who avoided as much as she could his looking at her , as if she knew him , but had no mind to be known by him . at last he came up to her , and found her to be the inn-keeper's wife that design'd to murder them . he went to inform his master of it , and desired some peasants to look after her . towards the dusk of the evening they arriv'd at the village : mathilda and hippolito were receiv'd by our old man with all the marks of esteem and gratitude . the other peasants of the village went home to their own houses , to make merry after so notable a victory , and those that lived farther off , march'd home-wards likewise . hippolito commanded the inn-keeper's wife , whom fulvi● had apprehended , to be brought before him , and upon the very first threatning to deliver her into the hands of justice , she confessed , that their inn was a meeting place of bandities and robbers , that her husband kept a correspondence with all the thieves of the country , and tha● the reason why he at first refused to entertain hippolito , was because he expected a famous highway-man that night . companion to the calabrian , whom he had seen at the inn , to confer with him about some robberies they had in hand . she likewise inform'd hippolito , that the calabrian had a great mind to his horse and equipage , to rob him of which after he had whisper'd with her husband , and persuaded him to join in the action , he had lent him his room . history does not tell us what they did to this woman , after they had learnt out of her all that they desired to know hippolito and mathilda , the better to conceal their quality● made fulvio and iulia , the old man and his whole family , to sup with them . after supper ( i cannot tell whether it was a good or a bad one ) mathilda wou'd not suffer hippolito to languish any longer under his impatience to know her adventures , and inform'd him by what accident she came to the inn , and afterwards into the hands of the moors . after the king had commanded me , said she , to him , to quit naples , and by the great interest of my enemies , i had but one night allow'd me to put my self in a condition to obey so rigorous an order ; i implor'd the assistance of some gentlemen at court , whom i thought i had obliged enough to be my friends , but i found to my disappointment , that they were only friends to my fortune , and not to me . i had more reason to complain of my domesticks , who all abandon'd me in this extremity but julia. she had a brother married in naples , who had the generosity to leave his family at the entreaty of his sister , and to conduct me to the place where i design'd to steer my course . he bestirred himself so effectually , that the very night i was commanded to leave naples , i got every thing ready for my iourney , before break of day . we drest our selves in the habit of loretto-pilgrims , by which means we were not discover'd at the city gates . i walked that day as many miles as could be expected from one of my sex , who had never been used to travel before , and we jogg'd on peaceably several days , without any cross adventures to disturb us . yesterday a little before night , we were met in a narrow way by three men on horseback , that had the looks of villains . i design'd to avoid them , and did it in so much baste , and so unluckily , that my foot slipt against a piece of rising ground in the high-way , and so i fell at the foot of one of the horses that came thundering after me . my large hat which cover'd my face , and my head cloaths tumbled off with the fall , and my hair fell about my shoulders . my ill stars would so have it , that these men saw something in me that did not displease them . they talk'd a while together , then alighted from their horses , one of them seized julia , another caught hold of me , while the third attack'd julia's brother , who put himself in a posture to defend us , and whom we saw fall soon after , being r●n through the body . after so many misfortunes which had happen'd to me , and which from a happy princess , at least so in appearance , made me the most miserable woman in the world , i had some reason to believe , that all the prudence and all the precaution imaginable , signifie nothing against fortune , that we must e'en let her act as she pleases , and persuade our selves , that her inconstancy which makes us feel her hatred , then , when we thought our selves the most secure from it , will restore us likewise to her friendship , when we least expect it . thus i resign'd my self , continues mathilda , to my private destiny , and when i found my self stopt and seiz'd by these strangers , i submitted my self without any struggling , to be mounted upon one of their horses , because i knew they could otherwise have done it by main force , and altho' i was in their hands , yet death could deliver me from them , when ever their insolence should oblige me to have recourse to this last remedy . julia , who fell a screaming and crying out as loud as she was able , when she saw her brother drop , suffer'd her self to be carried off after my example , but still continued afflicted . at night we arriv'd at the inn , where you heard my voice . your engagement with the robbers troubled us exceedingly at first , but when you had driven them out of the house , and the noise was over , julia and i quitted our room . finding no body in the inn , we resolv'd to make our escapes out at the garden-door , which stood open , and the fear of being re-taken , made us double our speed . we walked all night and part of the next day , till the heat of the sun , and our weariness together , forc'd us to rest our selves among the rocks , not far from this place , where we found a convenient shade , and were taken asleep by the moors , whom you defeated . matilda concluded the recital of her adventures , with making fresh protestations to hippolito , that she wou'd never forget what he had done for her . however she did not tell him the name of the place where she intended to retire , and for his part , he did not ask her to do it , no doubt on 't , but it was to one puny prince or other in italy , in which cattel that country abounds , for any man that has money enough , may be made a highness , without any other qualification . i might easily have bestowed what name i pleas'd upon him , since history has been silent in the matter , but i found upon second thoughts , that his name would be no great ornament to the narration . hippolito offer'd to conduct her whither she had a design to go , but she would by no means suffer it , however she was forced at the repeated instances o● our officious cavalier , to take his servant fulvio with her and two horses for her self and iulia. i will not mortifie the reader with the melancholy parting between hippolito and mathilda , i will let her go in quiet to ancon● where she sold some of her jewels , and bring back the poo● hippolito to the sad ruines of his house , where he arriv'd without a farthing in his pocket , and all the earthly goods he had in this transitory world , was the horse he rode upon . he had scarce set foot to ground , when he met with a neapolitan gentleman , who was in quest of mathilda , as well as several more , whom the king dispatch'd to all parts of italy to find her out , and went just as chance directed him . he acquainted hippolito with roger's disgrace , after what manner mathilda's innocence came to be discovered , the orders the king had given to find her if possible , in short , with all that had happen'd at naples ever since he had left it , except his majesty's violent love of the beautiful irene , which was known to all the world ; however our gentleman conceal'd it from him , whether out of an excess of discretion , or for some other reason which i don't know . you may imagine , that hippolito , generous as he was , and loving mathilda better than himself , was extremely pleas'd to hear of so unexpected a revolution in her fortune , altho' at the same time , he came to know that his own condition was more desperate than ever . this gentleman assuring him , that the king had promised prosper , that he should marry this princess , as soon as she returned to naples . this last news hinder'd the wretched hippolito from going to court , it made his life odious to him , and he avoided all manner of company so carefully , that he was the only man in the kingdom , who knew not what a great ascendant his sister had over the king. in the mean time mathilda was no where to be heard of , altho' the gentleman that had accidentally met with hippolito , went to ancona , whither he told him she was gone , yet he could hear no news of her , notwithstanding all the enquiry he made to that purpose . a report ran of this princesses death , and some people pretended to relate the very circumstances of it , at last it came to hippolito's ears , and threw him into a fit of sickness , which had like to have cost him his life . but in short , his body recovered a little strength , in spite of the indisposition of his mind . he sometimes rode on horse-back along the sea-shore , and 't was in one of these melancholy freaks , that after he had made several reflections upon the misfortunes of his life , he resolved to go and end his days in the war which the grecian princes were at that time carrying on against the turk , who began to extend his conquests from asia into europe . at last mathilda was found , and hippolito was so ravished with joy , that he bestowed his horse , the only moveable he had left him in the world , upon the man that brought him the news . the same day his servant fulvio came to him , and was exceedingly astonished to find his master so melancholy , and in so bad an equipage , at a time when all italy talked of nothing but the great power his sister irene had over the king , and the love he had for her . he told hippolito the princes's name , where mathilda retired , he informed him in what manner prosper came to compliment her from the king , and conduct her to naples , and according to the laudable custom of servants , that always make hast to tell their masters ill news , he exaggerated to him the joy mathilda had discovered when she saw prosper , and the marks of affection she shew'd him . her passion for him is so increased , continues this indiscreet valet , that she has newly spruc'd up the old cap of plumes , with which prosper formerly presented her , which he has so often upraided her with , and which is so well known at naples , by the many iests that have been made on it at court. i can't imagine , says he , where the devil she had laid it up , to find it at so so critical a iuncture , but to be sure she must set a mighty value on it . after this rare trusty fulvio began to rail at the princess of tarento a little more than became him ; but hippolito bid him hold his tongue , and perhaps had cudgel'd him , if he had not given off , or alter'd his language . fulvio likewise told his master , that the princess desired him to come and meet her . how ! cries hippolito , and does she not sufficiently afflict me by not loving me , but to enhance my affliction , must she make me see how well she loves another , and will she caress prosper before me ? to give him i suppose the pleasure to see me die of grief , as if their happiness wanted nothing to compleat it but my death . but , continues hipoli●o , i must obey her , and see how far her injustice will go . he was in a good vein to complain of his ill treatment , and perhaps had effectually done it , as he had just provocation , when he saw afar off a body of horse , which fulvio assured him , came with the princess of tarento , who designing to see hippolito , wou'd needs pass by his house , in hopes to find him there . altho' the king had sent his coaches for her , yet she was resolv'd to make her entry into naples on horse-back , prosper looked as big upon his prancer , as a holiday-heroe , and being all over cover'd with feathers like an indian monarch , rode by her side . he entertain'd the princess with a world of treble resin'd compliments , and every other moment sung some amorous ditties to her , very methodically , and like a man of art. hippolito , who was out of sorts , both as to his mind and body wou'd fain have declined seeing his rival , and appearing before so much company , but mathilda , who knew him afar off , because perhaps she saw fulvio with him , who had parted from her so lately , rode up to him , and prosper and the rest of the company did the same . mathilda repreached hippolito in the most obliging manner that could be , that being her best friend , he had not done her the honour to meet her on the road , as some of the best quality in city and court had done . hippolito protested to her , that he had never heard of her happy return till now , and added , that altho' he had known of it , he had not presum'd to meet her , for fear such an unhappy wretch as he was , should infect and disturb the publick joy. mathilda assured him , that he had disturbed hers , if she had not been so happy as to meet him . she conjur'd him to come and take part in her good fortune , as he had done all along in her adversity , and added , that having a design to marry , because she had found by woful experience , that a young princess without father and mother , had occasion for a husband of power and interest to protect her , and that having cast her eyes upon the man she design'd to make prince of tarento , she desired him to do her the honour to assist at her wedding , which she wou'd not celebrate without him . prosper , as having the principal interest in this affair , joyned his prayers to those of his mistriss , and contrary to his custom , spoke abundance of civil things to his rival , and pretended to be overjoy'd to have his good company . a despairing unhappy man , interprets every thing to his disadvantage , as a sick man beyond all possibility of recovery , turns the best aliments into poison . hippolito took the civilities and obliging words of mathilda , to be so many cruelties she was minded to persecute him with . he could not conceive how she could have so hard a heart , as to make him be a spectator of the nuptial ceremonies . he could not tell what answer to make her , and looked upon her with astonishment . the faithful fulvio , who was as much scandaliz'd as himself , curs'd her heartily behind his master , and whispering him in the ear , desir'd him of all love not to go : swearing that she was a fury incarnate , to ask him to see her married to prosper . in the mean time mathilda redoubled her petition with so much importunity , that hippolito was not able to refuse her . she would have him that very minute get upon a horse that was brought to him , and perhaps it might so happen at that time , that he was not master of a pair of boots . thus we see hippolito mounted , very much out of humour , and out of countenance , by mathilda's side , who rode between him and prosper . the princess still continued to talk very obligingly to him : she exaggerated the obligations she had to him , and entertain'd the company with a recital of all the valiant actions perform'd by hippolito , both against the robbers that attackt him in the night , and against the moors , whom he attackt in the day , altho' they were much superior to him in number , with a small body of unexperienced peasants . she was interrupted by prosper , who with an impertinence peculiar to himself , must needs acquaint her with the miracles of that famous night , in which roger was taken , and with what swiftness he persued the above mention'd calixtus , who was privy to the correspondence , which that chief minister kept with the enemies of the state. mathilda did not bestow much attention upon his discourse , and still addrest he self to hippolito , altho' the latter seldom made her any answer . but prosper by telling the same story a hundred times over , made people listen to him , whether they would or no , and whatever happen'd to be talked of , he perpet●ally loaded the conversation with the important service he had done the king and government , in running after calixtus . he had mortified the company much longer with this important exploit , if the king had not appear'd , attended by all the topping persons of both sexes at court and city . prosper to shew what a fine figure he made , rode towards the king , and then without knowing why or wherefore , rode back again to mathilda , with full as little reason , and presented her to his majesty , altho' there was no occasion for it . she was received by him , as well as she could desire or expect : he excused himself for all his ill usage of her , laying the blame of it upon roger , and to make her some reparation for the injuries , which by the instigation of this treacherous favourite he had done her , he bestowed upon her one of the best preferments in the kingdom . mathilda thanked the king with a great deal of humility , but much more wit. i will not here pretend to set down , any of the fine compliments , that her gratitude suggested to her upon this occasion . i will only tell you , that they were admired , nay , and applauded by all the company , as i have been credibly inform'd . prosper likewise interposed to thank the king for her , but only repeated what she had said before . in the mean time irene rode up to hippolito , whom she knew behind some of the foremost , and seeing her self out of the king's sight , threw her self about the neck of her dear brother , who had made her shed so many tears , and drew some from her now . hippolito , who loved irene as much as so amiable a sister deserv'd , embraced her in so tender a manner , that it was enough to soften a heart of iron or marble , according as the reader pleases . the king who missed irene , and could not be long without her , looked for her in the crowd , and perceiving her with her brother , his amorous impatience must needs make him ride up to her . he did not receive hippolito as a bare subject , when she presented him to his majesty . mathilda prosper , and in short all the persons of quality about the king , observed that he talked to hippolito after such a manner , as made some of the politicians in the company then conclude , that this cavalier would make no little figure at court. but all the king's smiles could not cure him of that mournful air , which the gaiety of his rival occasioned in him , who appeared as jolly and well satisfied as if he had the whole world at his beck . all this while the sun who darted his rays very fiercely upon this noble company , warm'd most of their heads deliciously , but especially those that were bald . all the flies from the sea-shore , the gnats from the neighbouring places , those which the horses belonging to the king's retinue had brought with them from naples , those which mathilda's horses brought with them more distant parts ; in sine , all these buzzing insects , which we may call the parasites of the air , incommoded their faces exceedingly , tormented their horses cruelly ; and those poor tits were most exposed to these cursed flies , that had the least tails to whisk about them . i must own indeed that the umbrellas protected those that had them from the sun , but not from the burning reverberation of the earth , or from the clouds of dust , with which the si●tole and diastole of the lungs commonly called respiration , fill'd the throats of all the company , his majesty not excepted . in a word , the place was not tenable ; but to the great consolation of those who suffer'd most by the sun and flies , the king who was never weary where irene was , had not as yet told mathilda all that he had a mind to tell her , and therefore talking loud enough to be heard by those that were about him , he spoke the following numerical , individual speech to her , for it was faithfully repeated to me word for word . beautiful princess ! after the persecutions you have suffered from me , and in some measure by my orders , and after all the losses you have sustained , you would have little reason to be satisfied with me , and i should have as little to be satisfied with my self , if i did not do all that lay in my power to contribute as much to your happiness , as hitherto i have done to your misfortunes . 't is not enough that i have declared you innocent , that i have restored to you all that was taken from you ; nay , that i have encreas'd your fortune by my favours , if i don't see you married to the prince of salerno . by making you this present of the prince , i acquit my self in part of what i owe you ; and by rewarding him with so beautiful a lady as your self , i think i sufficiently require him for all the great services he has done the state. ah! sir , said mathilda to him , let your majesty take care that while you intend to be just to mathilda , you be not so to prosper . acknowledgment has its excess , as well as ingratitude . you will not give prosper all that he deserves , in giving him only mathilda , and in giving me the great prince of salerno , you will give me more than i deserve . i am as well satisfied with your majesty , as 't is possible for me to be ; and these last testimonies of your goodness , which i owe to my misfortunes , render them so dear to me , that they will be the most agreeable things i can think of as long as i live . but , sir , continu'd she , since your majesty is so religious as to pay what you think you owe , and since a subject ought to govern himself by the good example of his prince , will not your majesty give me leave , now you have put me in a capacity to pay my debts , to do it immediately upon the spot , and pay others in the same coin they have paid me . draw near therefore brave hippolito , said she to this cavalier , turning towards him , come and thank my gratitude , after you have had so much reason to complain of my unkindness . i owe you a love of many years , which is not in the least lessen'd by my illtreatment of you . i owe you , besides the expences wherein this constant passion has engag'd you , and besides the greatest part of your estate which you spent to support my quarrel , and your ●ine house , which was burnt all along of me ; i owe you i say , my honour and my life , that were in danger between the robbers and the moors , and i owe you likewise a life , which you hazarded in my deliverance . i will take care to acquit my self , generous hippolito , of all these obligations ; but those i have to prosper , being of the oldest date , are consequently the more pressing , and must be first discharg'd . hippolito look'd as pale as death at these last words of mathilda , and immediately redden'd after he had looked pale . prosper smil'd upon him , and gaz'd at mathilda with a very amorous look , who spoke to him as follows . prince of salerno ! you would make me believe that you loved me from my infancy , and indeed you have always treated me like an infant . you made your self to be fear'd by her , whom you called your pretty mistress , you have always amused her with sine complements and songs , or treated her with reproaches and reprimands , at the time when she expected the most important services from you . in fine , the greatest token of love you ever gave me , was a present of some of your old feathers , which i promised to keep for your sake , and have been as good as my word . with this she took the cap off her head , which prosper had given her , in the days of yore , and presenting it to him . at the same time , continued she , that i discharge my debt , by returning you the fair words and feathers you gave me , i bestow my self upon hippolito , and make him prince of tarento , to acquit my self towards the most generous of all men , whom i have always found to be a man of deeds and not of words . when she had said these words , she gave prosper his fatal cap with one hand , and with the other the took that of the despairing hippolito , who from that happy moment ceased to be so , and no more dream'd of this unexpected happiness , than prosper did of being repay'd with his cap. the king , as well as his courtiers , was not a little surpriz'd at this sudden turn of the scene ; but irene's great interest with him , and the justice as well as generosity of mathilda's action , made him approve it : and the commendations he bestowed upon the princess at the same time , kept the prince of salerno in his duty , who blushing with shame and confusion , could not tell how to behave himself , and we may suppose that if it had not been for the fear he lay under of displeasing his master , he would have quarrel'd with mathilda , according to his ancient custom , if the interest of his fortune had not been too prevalent for his natural arrogance . the king took pitty of him , and presenting camilla to him after he had talked a while in private with her and iren● , told prosper that so beautiful a lady with all her own charms , and her brother roger's estate might very well comfort him for the loss of mathilda . in the mean time all the court strove who should be most forward to congratulate this princess upon her just choice of hippolito , and to assure this happy lover how overjoy'd they were at his good fortune . they were most plaguily embarrassed on both sides , to find out compliments to serve them upon this occasion , and were forc'd to repeat the same things over and over again : but the king came very luckily to deliver them out of this trouble . beautiful princess ! says he to mathilda , you have taught me that we ought to discharge our debts when we are able . i therefore acquit my self of the debt i owe to irene's beauty and wit , and this day make her queen of naples . this unexpected declaration of his majesty surpriz'd , as we may imagine , the company infinitely more , than that of mathilda had done . irene throwing her self at the king's feet , testified to him by her respect and her silence , her humility and resignation . the king raised her up , kissing her hand , and from that moment treated her as he would have done the greatest queen in the world. all these strange adventures so took up peoples thoughts , that those that were most incommoded by the heat , complain'd of it no longer . in short they turn'd back towards naples , where all sorts of rejoicings began , till all things were prepar'd for the king's marriage , who caused that of hippolito and mathilda , as likewise that of prosper and camilla to be deferr'd , that the same day might be ●ignaliz'd by three such illustrious weddings . the king never repented of chosing irene for his wife . mathilda , who was of so loving a temper , that she loved prosper more then he deserved , for no other reason but because he happen'd to be loved by her first , loved hippolito exceedingly , who for his part loved her as much when a husband , as he had done when a gallant . only camilla lived unhappily with prosper . she durst not refuse him for fear of offending the king , who punished roger only with banishment ; and thus to save her brother's life , she render'd her own uneasy , being marryed to a covetous , impertinent , jealous prince , who while he lived was the scorn and laughter of the court of n●ples . finis . the booksellers to the readers . we shall not trouble you with a long harangue in praise of our author , he being known to be one of the wittiest men of his age , and husband to the great madam de maintenon , whose polities and wit have made her famous all europe over ; but to give you some account of this edition , we having observ'd that the comical works of scarron had been several times printed at paris , at amsterdam , and elsewhere , thought it would not be unacceptable to the english reader , if we got them translated and collected into one volume , which we were the more induc'd to undertake , because the third part of the comical romance was never in english , as likewise several of his novels and characters , and because part of his works had been translated near forty years ago , from copies neither so correct nor full , as this last paris edition , from which we had this translation . besides that , what was printed of our authers in english , was part in a folio volume , and partly an octavo , and so could not be bound together . some persons may object why is not the city romance here ? to which we answer , it was none of his , but only father'd upon him to make it sell ; and our design was only to publish his genuine works , which we have done from the best paris edition ; and as to the english , we hope the translators have done themselves and you iustice , several of these novels being interspers'd in the comical romance , we here add the names of them and page , for the ready finding of them , and remain your servants , &c. scarron's novels . the invisible mistress . p. . the history of destiny and mrs. star. p. . the impostor out witted . p. . the history of cave . p. . leander's history . p. . the iudge in her own cause . p. . the two rival brothers . p. . the history of the prior of st. lewis . p. . the two iealous ladys . p. . the capricious lady . p. . all these in the comical romance . avarice chastis'd , or the miser punish'd . p. . the useless precaution . p. . the hypocrites . p. . the innocent adultery . p. . the generous lover . p. . select letters of m. scarron . done into english by mr. brown. letter i. to the countess of fiesque . madam , you have not a better friend upon the face of the earth than fame . if you knew how many good offices she daily does you where'er she goes , you would own you have a thousand obligations to her . ever since the city of orleans has been taken — by a young princess , attended by two countesses , who wont give the wall to any two counts in christendom , this everlasting babbler has deafen'd all the world with the recital of your exploits . but 't is agreed on all hands , that 't is impossible for her to talk too much of them : so let us e'en leave her to prattle as she pleases , and not reproach her for being guilty of the sin of repetition . i confess , the action was noble and heroic , and my muse lies under a violent temptation to try how she can celebrate it , tho' i have laid an injunction upon her to be a mute as long as i live . how in the name of wonder ! what scale a city ? i defie our fiercest heroes to do more than your illustrious heroine ; even clorinda and camilla could not have behav'd themselves more bravely at the assault , than your ladyship and madam de frontenac . you are two bold-spirited amazons , and i will maintain you to be such , not only in f●ance , but all over the universe . neither la hire , nor poton , nor the gallant dunois , have carry'd their glory farther by following the steps of the old maid of orleans , that was burnt , than you have acquir'd reputation by imitating the modern one , who burns all that behold her : her charming eyes inflame the nation , and cause a general conflagration . in short , let the great prince , who will make her change her name one of these days , be as brave as he pleases , i question not but all the world will own , that the lady is in all respects as good as the lord ; nay , i dare almost swear , before i have seen america , whither my dog of a destiny will send me in my latter days , that at my coming there i shall hear the indians talk of the noble exploits , which her incomparable royal highness , attended by her brave lieutenant-generals , has perform'd for the party . i would expatiate upon this argument in verse and prose , if i concern'd my self at all in the affairs of europe : and besides , it would look ill in such an unfortunate wretch as i am , to pretend to meddle with any gay sub●ects . my meaning therefore in writing to you now , was only to thank your ladyship for being so kind as to remember my last petition ; for which i shall be oblig'd to you as long as i live , tho' the business does not succeed . i am your ladyships most humble , and most obedient servant , scarron . letter ii. to mademoiselle de nevillan . madam , altho' in the common language of the world we use to say damn'd poets and poor cripples , yet certainly there 's nothing like being one of the two or both ; since with these unhappy qualities , i have deserv'd a letter from madam de nevillan . however i will be so wise as not to boast of this favour ; for if i should , every coxcomb in town would fall a writing of verses , tho' he had no genius for 'em , and your ladyship would be perpetually persecuted by these wretched rhimers . in the next place a world of our well-shap'd beaus would immediately break their legs and arms , to put themselves in the same predicament with me , and that would really be a pitiful sight ; yet after they had done so , perhaps you would not write to them , and that would be the devll and all of a disappointment . for this reason i will not thank you in publick for the obliging letter you were pleas'd to write to me . i beg you to believe that i shall always be oblig'd to you for it , and that i am , madam , your most humble , and most obedient servant , scarron . letter iii. to madam de st. denis . nun. madam , the present you made me is very pretty , but the letter you sent me is infinitely more . i am resolv'd to wear your bracelets on all days of ceremony , and i will carefully preserve your letter among my richest curiosities . but 't is not enough to thank you in prose . your present , fair nun , has your vassal undone . to my sorrow i say it , he can never repay it . this i plainly declare , but you 'll force me to swear . why let fevers attack me , or rheumatism rack me . if this wo'n't suffice , you some oath must devise of a terrible size . l●t it be what it will , i 'll swear like a dragon , or gamester that loses , and has not a rag on . the spirit of versifying being spent , i return to my prose , to tell you that i am , madam , your most humble servant , scarron . letter iv. to monsieur sarrazin . you must certainly have little or no business upon your hands in your kingdom of bourdeaux , since you can condescend to write to such a mean fellow as i am ; or else madam de viger has got entire possession of your heart and soul , since you could put your self to the expence of so many lines , to let me know what famous exploits she has perform'd in peace and war. for my part , if she is so handsome as you tell me she is , i must freely own to you , that i would much rather break my leg , than have known her when i was able enough to lead up a country-dance ; and i would advise you , dear friend of mine , not to meddle there , since you have not much time to lose . but after all , is not this miracle of beauty purely fram'd in your own imagination ? for you tell me such strange● stories of her , that i protest i should not believe 'em , but that i know you too well to think you would say so many fine things for nothing . till you thought fit to undeceive us , 't was an article of faith with us at paris , that nothing at bourdeaux was capable to inspire love but m. guyonet : whose smiling looks and charming air , the hearts of ev'ry nymph ensnare . but since we have read your letter , we easily believe , that if madam de viger makes a right use of her charms , she will at least make as many slaves , as guyonet has made unhappy damosels , and will abundantly revenge her self upon the poor men , for all those ravages which that dangerous hero of bourdeaux has made on her own sex. but tell me dear friend of mine , fairly and honestly tell me , are you not afraid to make one of those slaves ; you that pretend to be such a servant to love ? as for me , were i now what you tell me you are , qualis eram bonae sub regno cinarae and were at this present writing upon the banks of the garonne , where she makes so many flowers spring under her feet , it would — let me see — it would at least cost me two or three thousand inquietudes , seven or eight hundred jealousies , the devil and all of restless nights and uneasie days , and numberless tuns of tears ; for you must know , i have as good a hand at crying as any man in the world , nay even as your self , tho' you can cry like any priest in a lent-sermon . but to return to madam de viger , 't is a thousand pities that she is wiser than solomon : to my knowledge there are abundance of men in the world , that would be content with all their hearts , to be as great fools for her , as the queen of sheba was for the aforesaid king of ierusalem . for instance , your humble servant , who does not pretend to be so wise as the son of bersheba , as she it seems tells you i am , tho' for my part i think her ten times more amiable than the queen of sheba , would immediately ride post to bourdeaux to see her , if i went to bareges , as i design'd ; but a confounded planet , that breaks all my measures , will force me in my own defence to set sail for america within this month. what fortifies me in this resolution , is , that we are eternally plagu'd here in town with a new crop of sots , who call themselves platonists forsooth , and are perpetually plaguing us with their damn'd airy doctrines . they● no longer trouble their heads to enquire whether a man is a man of honour , or worth , and so forth , but whether he is a wit of the new stamp , and can talk platonically . i don't doubt but we should soon see these platonick rogues hooted out of the world , but some of the most considerable among them give out , that they are countenanc'd by a certain great princess , whose wit in truth is equal to her high rank , otherwise these refin'd platonists , with a pox to them , had been hiss'd off the stage long ago . thus , my most witty frien● , i have laid before you , my reasons why i am resolv'd to go to the west-indies , i have been tempted too for a thousand crowns to enter my self in our new west-india company , which is going to settle a colony within deg● of the line , upon the banks of the lorillaine and the lorenoque . so adieu france , adieu paris , adieu ye she-devils in the shape of angels , adieu ye menages , ye sarrazins , and ye marignies : i take my leave of burlesque verse , of comedies , and comical romances , to go to a happy climate , where there are no affected beaus , no godly canting rascals , no inquisition , no rheumatisms to cripple , and no confounded wars to starve me . letter v. to madam de sevigny . i have liv'd the most regular life in the world , and have taken as much care of my self as a dying pope , and all in obedience to the commands you were pleas'd to lay upon me , not to die till you had seen me . but madam , with all my care and caution i find my self a dying , out of the impatient desire i have to see you . if you had better consider'd your own strength and mine , you would never have put me upon so unrighteous a task . you ladies , forsooth , with your charms and other merits , imagine that you have nothing to do but command , and carry all before you ; but we poor wretches forsooth cannot dispose of our lives just as you would have us . in my opinion now , you may content your selves to kill those gentlemen , that see you sooner than they desire , without obliging those to live , who are depriv'd of your sight , as long as you desire it . you may e'en thank your self if i cannot obey this first command of yours , since you have hastned my death : though one would have thought , that , to please your ladyship i should have had as good a stomach to live a hundred years as any man else . but madam , can you not change me this kind of death ? for if you cou'd , you 'd infinitely oblige me . these foolish deaths that come from love and impatience , are by no means proper for one of my age , much less are they things i have a fancy for ; and if i have wept a hundred times in my life for those unhappy gentlemen that dy'd of these distempers , pray consider how lamentably i shall bewail my self , who take it for granted , that i shall die this pretty death . but 't is impossible for a man to avoid his destiny , and whether i had been your neighbour , or liv'd a thousand miles from you , 't is all one , for i am fated to receive my deaths wound from you . what comforts me is , that if i had seen you , my death had been ten times more cruel than now it is like to be . i am inform'd on all hands , that you are a very dangerous person , and that those who look upon you without due care , grow sick upon 't immediately , and are not long-liv'd . therefore madam , i will keep to the death you have allotted me , and forgive you for it with all my heart . adieu , madam , i d●e your most obedient servant , and i pray to heaven , that your diversions in bretagne may not be spoil'd , by any remorse of conscience , for killing an honest fellow that never did you any harm : at least remember , fair ingrate , that if i die before i see you , heav'n knows it is no fault of mine . these are none of the best rhimes , that 's the truth on 't ; but at the hour of death a good christian rather thinks of dying well than rhiming well . letter vi. to the marquess de villarceaux for the discharge of my poor conscience , i am oblig'd to tell you , that your lordship did not know what you did , when you offer'd me your friendship , and demanded mine in exchange . as much accustom'd as you are to do generous actions , yet your wishing well to such an unfortunate fellow as i am , is a strain of charity more dangerous to put in execution than you wou'd imagine . for my part , i see but very little for you to hope , and a great deal to fear , tho' i am never so great a gainer by the bargain . this , and nothing in the world else , cost armenti●res his life in the days of y●re , and t'other week poor haucourt ; not to mention to you the lord knows how many more , whom i cou'd name , but you don't know them , who all dy'd suddenly and before their time , for no other reason , but because they had a kindness for me . wou'd you have me cite you other examples to convince you , that my unhappiness is contagious ? know then , that cardinal richelieu dy'd within a month after i had the honour to be introduc'd into his company and to please him . the late prince of orange no sooner show●d an inclination to be kind to me , but he fell ill of the small-pox , which carry'd him off . the president de mesme fell immediately into a consumption , after he had given himself the trouble to visit me in my quarters three story high . in short my friendship is so certain to hurt , and that speedily too , that i can't for the heart of me unriddle it , how our new cardinal de retz came to be promoted to the purple , against wind and tide as the saying is , at the time when he was so indiscreet , as to tell all the world that he had an esteem for me . now after all these fatal instances , if you are resolved to honour me with your heart , i surrender my self body and soul to your discretion . i am not such a coxcomb as to refuse happiness when it is proffer'd me , or slight the friendship of a person whom i passionately love , as well upon the score of his own shining qualities , as my own natural inclination . however , i can't help pitying you exceedingly , for once more i must tell you , that i am the unluckiest devil in the universe , and a certain fore-runner of mischief where-ever i come . i will tell you more of this matter to morrow , at madam de lenclos's , whither i will come in a chair about dinner-time , &c. your most humble , and most obedient servant , scarron . letter vii . to the queen of sweden . madam , to offer your majesty a play of my own composing , is to make you a present unworthy of your merit and quality ; but 't is my opinion , that every man ought to be tax'd according to his estate , towards the payment of that tribute , which all our present writers are oblig'd to pay you . the authors of the augustan age , paid the same tribute in verse and prose to that patron of wit , mecaenas of happy memory , whom your majesty knows much better than my self , by the testimony of all the poets , to have been a very generous gallant person . but notwithstanding all the noise that his name has made in the world , he has no other advantage over your majesty at present , than that of being born before you , and i durst lay every farthing i have in the kingdom of parnassus , that your majesty would have carried away all his practice from him , and made him as angry , as the great gustavus your father would have made his master augustus , if he had been to dispute the empire of the universe with him . but madam , if so inconsiderable a wretch as i am may be allow'd to put a few questions to so great a queen as you are , does not your majesty find your self sometimes incommoded by being so great a heroine ? even extraordinary merit has its inconveniences , and those solemn trifles call'd epistles dedicatory , which we poets , forsooth , would palm for incense upon the persons whom we pretend to deifie , are not always of the same value , nor have they the same effect . some of these druggs make a mighty smoke , but do not perfume ; and indeed i am not prophet enough to foretel whether what i now offer to your majesty will pass in your court for right spanish , or common essence . the late prince of orange thought otherwise of it , and found it to answer . if your majesty likes it , pray don't be sparing of it . i shall soon have a recruit and will keep it for your use , whom all the world unanimously owns to surpass in merit all the princes of former ages , to eclipse all those of the present , and to be the best example for all that come after you to copy . this is as true , as that i am , with the profoundest humility , your majesty's most obedient servant s — letter viii . to — you are taken ill of a tertian ague ; if it turns to a quartan , we must e'en expect to be plagued with it all this winter ; for you need not question but it will torment me as much as your self . pray be so kind as to inform me how many fits we have already had , and what the physicians say to them for you have them first , and 't is a very odd business , upon my word , that you should know all my news four or five hours before i my self do . 't is a sign i have a good opinion of my strength , since mortified thus by my own distempers , i can afford to bear so great a share in yours . i don't know whether i had not done much better to have stood upon my guard against you the first time i saw you : 't is plain , i ought to have done it , if we are to judge of things by their events . but who the duce would have thought that a young lady wou'd disturb the repose of an old fellow , and prove such a thorn in my side as to make me lament my unkind destiny , because i am not in a condition to revenge my quarrel upon her . jesting apart , i know you are very ill , but don't know whether the people about you take such care of you as they ought . this inquietude not a little augments my concern to see you so unhappy , and my self incapable of doing you any service . while you all naked in your bed those wanton roguy breasts display , where cupid do's recline his head , and sleeps his happy hours away . i toss and tumble 'till the morn , i pass the night in restless sighs : the god of sleep my pray'rs do's scorn , and fr●m my weary'd eye lids flies and all this i suffer forsooth for loving you more● than i thought to do . good heavens ! that i should not only love you , but that like a sot i should doat on you so vainly . od's life , how comes this about , that every moment of the day i should long to go to poitou , tho' the weather is so cold , that bears in their russian furs would scarce venture to peep abroad . is not this downright conjuration ? return madam for heaven's sake , return , since i am such a milksop as to disquiet my self for your absence , indeed i ought to know my self better , and to consider that 't is plague enough for me to be a cripple from head to foot , without being bedevil'd with that cursed disease , which our new weekly bills call the impatience to see you . 't is a confounded disease , that 's certain . don't i see how it racks and persecutes poor m — because he cannot see you so often as he would , altho' he sees you every day in the week . he writ to me like a man in despair , and i dare engage to you that this very minute i am talking to you , he 's on the side of the damn'd , not because he 's a heretick , but for loving you , and that 's enough in all conscience . however madam you ought at last to put a stop to your conquests , and suffer poor mortals to live in peace . command those eyes to leave off killing , if to oblige mankind you 're willing . 't were happy for you , fair lady , that you had nothing to do with me , for i shall certainly be even with you . perhaps you laugh at these menaces ; but know , imperious fair , that men will never be wanting to assert their rights , where the publick is concern'd . what! can you find no better employment than to kill and murder poor people ? tell me , my charming tormenter , are you a christian ? set your hand to your heart and resolve me this question . you are a turk , upon my honour , i know it full well , and one of the worst sort of turks too . your turks of the better sort are a good-natur'd honest people , and delight in works of charity ; but i know by experience that you are of a different temper , and would not do the least act of goodness for an empire , even to those that love you as their eyes ; therefore i must bluntly tell you that you are not worth a farthing , altho' your outside is one of the finest in the world , and you are made up of a thousand good and pretty ingredients . no one confirms the truth of the proverb so well as your self , that all is not gold that glisters . in short , you are as much a devil as you are fair. but after all this ( see what it is to be beautiful ) no man loves and honours you more than your most humble , and most obedient servant , s — letter ix . to — sir , i am inform'd by monsieur du pin with what generosity and readiness you offer'd to do me any good services with the king , which you may expect to succeed in , for a thousand reasons that shall be nameless : but if i should suffer you to combat with my ill fortune that has hitherto persecuted me , i am afraid you 'd have the dissatisfaction to see your self once in your life disappointed , in your generous designs . for this consideration , i would advise you not to pretend to oppose my unlucky destiny ; however , i have all those obligations to you for your kind offer , which a man ought to have , who has scarce the honour to be known to you , who never did you the least service , who is uncapable to do you any , and to whom , notwithstanding all this , you have offer'd your protection . this uncommon strain of generosity is so peculiar to you , that as far as i know you by your reputation , i should immediately have guess'd it to come from you , tho' m. du pin had conceal'd your name from me . i have a particular veneration for those persons that resemble you , and am vex'd , that the little time i have to live , will hinder me from knowing all your history , which i would have study'd with as much satisfaction , as i have done that of the most illustrious men. altho' nature never out me out for a good courtier , yet i am one of those persons , to whom the greatest men in the kingdom have oftenest made liberal promises , and oftenest broke their word . however , neither this misfortune , nor a thousand others that attend me , shall hinder me from being very well satisfy'd with my fate , while you believe that i am with the utmost respect , sir , your most humble and most obedient servant , scarron . letter x. to — why how now madam ! you are a lady of the most quarrelsome temper i ever met with . had you not some other good qualities to balance it , upon my word i should pass but an uneasie life with you . a very pretty business this ! to have all this noise and clutter about ones ears , because i was once worse than my word . why madam i can break my word with you a hundred times over , and yet not love you a jot the less . be satisfy'd , i love my friends so violently , so terribly and all that , that i am e'en asham'd on 't ; but then i must inform you at the same time , that there are some small trifling inconveniences to suffer from me . in the first place i am as lazy as the devil , and to convince you that what i say is true , 't is out of pure laziness that i cannot stir to my cabinet to look out the verses i promis'd you , altho i have as great a desire to do it as your self , however i will do it anon . when you rail at me next for this , you shall see with what a christian patience i will bear it ; and then i will leave you to judge , whether i am not at least good to be rail'd at , tho' i am good for nothing else . your nephew needs not give himself the trouble to set us at variance , for you and i will make a shift to quarrel between our selves like two furies , without any body's interposing ; but then we 'll be friends again in a minute , and that will be a diverting scene . adieu , madam , i am your most humble and most obedient servant , or may the old gentleman in black hurry me to his dominions . letter xi . to the bishop of mans. my lord , i am not dead , heaven be prais'd for it , as your eight canons , whose prebends you have dispos'd of , and yet you have made so free with your humble servant as to give away mine . i should be heartily concern'd if they were no more dead than i am ; not but that i love my neighbours very well , but if they were not dead , mons. costar and de ●eslèe , who perhaps are still my friends , would not be archdeacons and deacons . i can't tell how i came to stumble upon this word perhaps . perhaps i had not us'd it if i had thought better of the matter . the next time do my self the honour to write to you , i will have a foul copy by me , because i will do nothing against my conscience . but to return to my prebend , since you have given it away , you ought to give me another in recompence , nay , tho' it were only to make me amends for losing so much time in relying upon the promises of your late unkle of happy memory , and no performances . i need not inform you what you are to do ; but if i were in your place , i would bestow a good benefice upon one that wou'd be in mine : for● i know you never want means to make vacancies , without offending against good manners ; as an eunuch did , whose name was mortier , unkle to the abbot of evron , and who was himself of marmoustier , i don't mean eunuch but abbot . this jewel of a monk poison'd a score of priors once at a dinner , and thereupon writ a treatise , entitled , a method to make benefices vacant , publish'd by the right reverend father in god , such a one , &c. 't is a great sign that i grow old , when i set up for a teller of stories . but the clock has struck twelve , and the laverdins , who are great talkers , don't love those that talk as much as themselves , and as for my self , i am one of the greatest talkers i know . for this reason therefore , and because i writ this letter only to tell it you , i will conclude . however , i will make bold to add , that now you are in the kingdom of your fathers , you ought to remember , my friend menage , who with all his merit and learning , has got but little preferment in the church , and you would do well to give him a lift . i bethink my self likewise , that i have forgot to flourish my letter here and there with as many my lords , as are due to a prelate , but i will avoid this fault for the future , and never write to you without having a foul copy by me . i am , my lord , your most humble and most obedient servant , and what 's more , your dutiful canon , scarron . letter xii . to his eminence my lord cardinal de retz . my lord , you have made me rich in spite of fortune , in getting your self made cardinal in spite of your enemies . i hazarded all i was worth in the world , that you would be advanc'd to this dignity ; and if i have to do with gentlemen of honour , i shall be worth half as much again as i was before . i pray god that you may be able to say the same ; and let his providence bring it about as he shall think most convenient . 't is likely he will do it all at once , and your new purple will soon , i hope , be supported with every thing necessary to its grandeur , to show all the world , that the hand which made amboise and richelieu cardinals , has not yet shown all it is able to do . i hope we shall in a short time have the satisfaction of seeing this come to pass . in the mean time , my lord , i humbly entreat you to believe , that in france , in the indies , or wheresoever my unfortunate destiny shall carry me , i will always be , with the utmost zeal and respect , your eminence's most humble and most obedient servant , scarron . letter xii . to the duke of retz . my lord , you take a pleasure perhaps to be generous , but pray be undeceiv'd . 't is the greatest plague can happen to a person of quality , when he is so indiscreet as to show any favours to such an unfortunate fellow as i am . 't is not enough with us authors to be once oblig'd , for we are importunate duns to our patrons as long as we live . t'other day you gave me voiture's works , and am i not an impudent fellow to ask you a thing of greater importance ? i know some lords in the world that wou'd immediately change colour upon these words , but the duke of retz , i am persuaded , will read 'em without any dread , and i dare engage , that he is as impatient to know what i am going to beg of him , as i am confident i shall obtain it . the matter , in short , is as follows . a young gentleman of my acquaintance , who at twenty years of age has fought twenty duels , and all as noble as that of the horatii and curiatii , and who is as wise as valiant , has kill'd an impudent scoundrel that forc'd him to fight him . now he cannot get his pardon out of paris , and by his good will wou'd be in security there , because he has a natural aversion for hanging . i could make a shift to find him a lodging at a certain prince's palace , but then he would run the risque of starving there ; now i humbly conceive , that famine is rather worse than the gallows . if you will be pleas'd to afford him sanctuary in your house , i know he will have no reason to fear either one or the other ; and besides , 't will be no little satisfaction to you , to have protected a young gentleman of his merit . this is not all , for you 'll take the greatest pleasure in the world to see him snuff the candles with a pistol , as often as you have a mind to see the pastime . as you are the most generous person living , i don't doubt but you 'll thank for me giving you so handsom an occasion to exercise your generosity , and for my part i promise you it shall not rest here ; for as soon as you have granted me this favour , i will every day importune you to employ your own interest and that of your friends to obtain his pardon . the burlesque muse will not be silent of such a kindness , but will endeavour to show her gratitude , though till now she never engag'd in an affair of this nature . i ask you a thousand pardons for the length of this letter ; and as often kiss your fair hands , or such as they are . oblige with a few lines , my lord , your most humble and most obedient servant , s. letter xiii . to the queen of sweden . madam , i have sent your majesty some of my works , which perhaps you have not yet seen . if you find any thing in them to please you , i shall be as glad as 't is possible for a man to be , who after he has had the honour of seeing you , is now so unhappy as to be depriv'd of that blessing . nothing was wanting to compleat the calamities of my life , but that i should afflict my self for your majesty's absence , and at the same time envy all those that are near you . i don't know whether these persons are sensible of the happiness they enjoy , but i shall reckon them the most stupid of all irrational animals , if they entertain not the highest admiration and respect for your majesty . as for me , if i were in their place , and able to ramble from one country to another , i should immediately set up for a little orlando for your sake . 't is true , i should not with one single stroak of my sword fell so many thumping trees , or commit so many ravages as my brother hero in ariosto . my follies should give more diversion than his , tho' they were nothing near so terrible , and perhaps they would not excite less compassion . you see madam , i have made use of the permission your majesty gave me , as being a gallant of no consequence , to be that for the greatest queen that ever was , which this romantick blusterer was for a queen that was never in being . 't was well your majesty gave me this permission , for otherwise i might have taken it , and by refusing it , you might have seen your self dis-obey'd by one , who would not do it upon any other occasion , tho' it cost him his life . setting aside majesty , you are , madam , one of the most admirable women in the universe . whereever you go , your eyes make you more subjects than a great kingdom gave you , and as they do of themselves all those miracles we have seen them do , without your taking any pains to teach them , we must be forc'd to own , they are the finest and most charming eyes in the world , but withal the most dangerous . thus i behold nothing but rivals in all the persons that come to see me , and i behold no fewer rivals among the ladies , which is none of the least miracles your majesty has perform'd , i mean your makin● them so just to you , who are naturally envious to the 〈◊〉 their sex. i should fear madam , that i took too much 〈◊〉 with your majesty , if you did not know better than ●y one , that a great deal of icarus and ixion enters into the composition of a poet , and that the history of these two rash adventurers , tho' by the by , their end is not very much for the advantage of these traders in immortality , is of all fables that which pleases them most , and is of the greatest use to them . there is not a poet to be found , who would not prefer the reputation of being a modern ixion , to that of turning a stanza handsomely , and a happy boldness ( for so they are pleas'd to christen their love of contemplation ) to the laurel or mony , or both together . but madam , perhaps i begin to abuse the command your majesty laid upon me to write to you , if i have not already abused it . i beseech you therefore , that if you think fit to continue this honour to me , you would let me know how far my letters may be privileged with you , that they may never go beyond the respect i owe you . i am , your most humble , most obedient , and most dutiful servant , scarron . to the countess de brienne . paris , august . . madam , you had the curiosity to see me as well as the queen of sweden ; you ought therefore , like her , to give me leave to be in love with you , and allow me the honour of a passion , which now perhaps no longer depends upon your consent . if you are of opinion that i ask more than you ought to grant me , or that i undertake more than i am able to perform , i will content my self with being one of your friends , and conceal the lover from you . unless you think fit to allow me this favour , you must e'en discard me your service , which will be a severe mortification to me , for i have a furious desire to please you with all my might . after so frank a declaration , you may very well imagine , that i would not deceive you for all the world , i will therefore honestly acquaint you with all the good and ill qualities of the person , who is resolv'd to devote himself to you while he lives . his body , in truth , is somewhat ill-shap'd and out of sor●s , as you could not but observe when you saw him , and women with child are forbidden to make him any visits . as for his soul , he is so well satisfy'd with it , that he would not exchange it with any but yours . when he is in love , he loves with so much violence , that he is sometimes asham'd of himself for it ; and since all must out , although he is nicely punctual in discharging the offices of friendship , yet he is a little remiss in writing to his friends . but then he speaks well of them upon all occasions , with a sort of fury too , and sometimes so much , as to tire his hearers ; and when he is oblig'd to espouse a man's part whom he pretends to love , a lyon and he are one and the same thing . if you like me after this description , i am entirely at your service . thus expecting that you 'll pronounce either my good or bad destiny , i am , and always shall be , after what rate soever you think fit to treat me , your languishing ladyship 's most passionate admirer , scarron . letter vii . to the countess de brienne . paris , aug. . . madam , it was in your power , i own it , to chuse whether you would receive a declaration of love from your humble servant : but as it was not in your power to hinder him from being so bold and presumptuous as to make one , allow me to doubt , whether you have rejected it , till such time as you absolutely command me to believe the contrary . if you a common beauty were , one frown might make your slave forbear . but madam , who can you behold , made of nature's richest mould , a nymph so charming who can see , and not with love transported be ? and when with his resistless dart the little god has pierc'd the heart , what mortal can conceal the smart ? no , the poor wretch is forc'd to show it ; by sad experience i know it . come , let us go to confession , madam , and honestly own , that neither of us were so sincere as we ought to have been in the first letters we writ to one another , and that if it is impossible not to speak to you of love , being so beautiful as you are , 't is no less so for me , who pretend to an indifferent judgment , to content my self with only being one of your friends , as i intimated to you in my last . if the conclusion of your letter is as sincere as the beginning of it is otherwise , the good opinion you promise to have of me , will produce tragical effects at court ; and you will see hundreds of pretenders there cripple themselves , and all to rival me . for my part i can't help it if they do ; and tho' i shall strive by the violence of my passion to deserve what your natural goodness permits me to hope , yet i shall not be so love-sick neither , as to attempt to please you at the loss of my understanding . letter xvii . to the count de vivonne . june . . in vain , my lord , you post it away , and kill your brace of steeds a day , and o're the dusty plains come pouring , like husband for a midwife scouring , or winds the clouds before them driving , or parson scamp'ring for a living . you 'll come too late to see that * sight that do's two warlike realms unite , and in eternal friendship join the golden tagus and the seine : oh that the happy royal pair , ( and faith , my lord , they promise fair ) wou'd get this night a son and heir ! or , to compleat the peoples ioys , give them a brace of chopping boys . what shows , what triumphs wou'd be seen , how shou'd we bless and thank the queen ! how wou'd it scare both turk and persian , pox on 't , i want a rhyme for ersian . then since thalia jaded grows , i 'll throw up verse , and come to prose . to return then to my prose ; oh , brave count de vivonne , i come to tell you , altho' you know it as well as my self ; but i must write you a letter , and have but little or no matter to fill it with , i must tell you then that paris is exactly as it was when you left it ; that for one man of sence , you may see a hundred thousand that are not , and never will be , and that it is with the women just as 't is with the men. the young sparks of paris carry the world before them in the absence of the court ; wear their long perriwigs and swords , and set off every thing with an air of quality . there is scarce a quarter of the town but some poet , either good or bad , lives in it ; or a house that receives visitants but is plagued every day , at least , with half a score empty praters or conceited coxcombs . now i talk of houses , mine is the only house in france , where the merriest tales are to be heard , and where you have the greatest power . your health is often drank among us , and d'elbene rails at you like a dragon , when he and i are at our kickshaw repasts . as for me , i find my self daily decline , and go down the hill much faster than i cou'd desire . i have a thousand pains , or rather a thousand legions of devils in my legs and arms ; yet in this wretched condition have been so undaunted and rash , as to love you most inordinately . i can't tell how the freak came to take me in the head ; but this i know full well , that you are a great deal of friendship and esteem in my debt ; so that if you do me justice , i shall have reason to boast that i was so happy in the latter end of my life , as to make the most advantageous acquaintance i ever had , meaning your self . 't is true , my ambition , as great as it is , ought to stop here ; but you have told me so many things of monsieur manchini , that i am resolved never to release you of the promise you made me , to bring me acquainted with him ; provided always , nothing in this letter to the contrary notwithstanding , that he is not a man of mighty complements , and the reason is because i immediately fall a weeping whenever i hear 'em , or am forc'd to make 'em my self , and come off so sneaking and pitiful that you 'd laugh at me . in short , compliments are my aversion , as serpents and toads are that of all mankind ; and i am as much afraid of them as of a strong breath , or an old lady's hollow tooth , or a wou'd-be wit. that nothing of this kind may be laid to my charge , i will send my letter without making you one , that is to say , a compliment ; and will bluntly and roundly tell you , that no man in the world honours you more than , sir , your most humble and most obedient servant , scarron . letter xviii . to monsieur du rincy . feb. . sir , the proceedings at the town-hall to morrow will be another battle of pharsalia to me . i mean , my destiny will be decided there ; and i shall know in a few minutes whether 't is worth my while to live , or whether i must go hang my self . i therefore coniure you , oh gallant du rincy , to represent to the generous pelisson , that this is an affair of consequence , that he must now or never redouble the recommendation of his patron , before whom every knee bows , and get him to speak to the provost of the merchants , and the four sheriffs who are to meet on thursday morning about ten , at the town-hall . it will not be enough barely to desire them to do justice , for that they owe to the meanest scoundrel , but to beg a favour of them , if there be occasion for it : but between friends the affair is honest , and they may easily pass it without getting the ill will of one man in the city . letter xix . to monsieur de marigny . sir , to deal freely with you , i scarce know how to behave my self , after the prince of conde has done me the honour to remember me , and altho' i am the most wretched and melancholy man that ever was , yet i must publish my joy to all the world , since you send me word , that his highness is pleas'd to divert himself with reading my letters . i cannot imagine how you come to think them so pleasant at brussels , for the person that writes them at paris is to my knowledge sometimes so confounded splenetick and ill humour'd , that there 's no enduring him . and who , in lucifer's name , wou'd not be so under my circumstances ? 't is true indeed , the world sometimes seems to have an esteem for me , and often too think me worthy of their pity , but alas , that is all ; for they take no care to relieve me . each hour , alas ! i older grow , time on my temples sheds his snow . and as i find my self decay , and hasten to my mother clay , my past and present ills conspire to jade my muse , and damp my fire . when i consider that i was born well enough made , to have serv'd the respects of the bois-roberts of my time . that merry bant'ring priest , you know , who not a rag of sence can show , thanks to his noble front of brass , for a profound divine do's pass . when i bethink my self , that till the age of twenty seven i had a constitution strong enough to out-drink a dutchman ; that i am still so sound within , that i drink all sorts of liquors , and eat all sorts of meat with as keen an appetite as the greatest epicure of them all . when i consider , that for the faculties of my mind , i am neither dull , nor weak , nor impertinent ; that i am free from ambition and avarice , and that if heaven had been pleas'd to have left me the use of my legs , which in the days of yore could have made a shift to lead up a dance , and of my hands which once knew how to paint , and tickle a violin , and in short , my body strait and well-shap'd , i might have lived a comfortable life , tho' somewhat obscure . when these cruel thoughts come into my head , i swear to you , dear friend of mine , that if it had been lawful for me to make away with my self , i had long ago dispatch'd all my miseries with a hearty dose of poison ; and in my conscience i shall be forc'd to come to it at last . vnder those cruel pains i groan , wou'd force complaints from hearts of stone ; and cannot hope to find repose , till death my wearied eyes do's close . why should my barb'rous stars delight on me to shed their restless spight ? 't is plain , i suffer for the crime of trespassing in wicked rhime . to make you amends for this melancholy letter , wherein i was forced in spight of my teeth to unbosom my self to you , i send you six new stanza's which i have added to my baroncide . the novel call'd the spanish paralitic , which was trump'd up against me to out-do what i had done of that nature , as far as i can find , has done me no harm , but made the author ridiculous . spanish grammars did not sell for livres , as you sent me word , but they did not come much short of it . however that tongue was never so corrupted in this world as it has been of late years in paris . i am exceedingly obliged to you for the trouble you gave your self to procure me the spanish plays , and remain , &c. letter xx. to the same . aug. . sir , it vexes me that at the very time , when you tell me i might divert his highness , i cannot write to you with that gayety as i would , and that my hand rebells against my inclinations ; for to my sorrow i have been plagu'd with a cruel fit of the gout for this month last past as well as his highness ; as if i had not had miseries enough before to torment me . all i can do under this new indisposition and those other calamities my ill fortune persecutes me with , tho' i say it without boasting , is , that i swear as heroically , and with as good a grace as any man in france ; and i humbly conceive that if his highness wou'd now and then condescend , like other frail mortals , to swear a little , he wou'd find some relief and benefit by it . i wou'd by no means advise him to lay it on so plentifully as i do ; but if his highness would sometimes stumble upon an oath or so , without any wicked intention , but only to expectorate himself ; i fansie it would not be amiss . for my part i am sometimes so very mad , that if all the furies in hell came to fetch me away , i believe in my conscience , i should almost go and meet them half-way . this is the second melancholy letter i have plagu'd you with . if his highness were as well acquainted with the nonsensical stuff of our witty coxcombs as he is with military affairs , and every thing else that happens in the world , it would be some diversion to him to read this letter . madamoiselle de l' enclos , who supt last night with d'elbene and my self , told me she wou'd write to his highness to day● i sent to compliment monsieur de rochefort at the hostel d'estrée , but he took no notice of it ; but 't is ten to one i shall be even with the gentleman e're long , and quit scores with him at paris . my letter is of the shortest as well as yours was ; but next friday i will take care to make you amends . adieu . letter xxi . to the same . may th . sir , you oblige me in the most sensible part , when you write to me . i have no other comfort in this world but my generous friends ; and when you are pleased to assure me that you are still one of that number , you rejoice me infiniteély more than the general peace will do . this comparison at first sight , i suppose , will appear weak to you ; and indeed i must needs own that the affairs of europe may change a hundred times , and still for the better , whereas mine are in no likelihood of mending . but i have a wonderful desire to see your prince once more in france , if it were for no other reason , but because france has had a very ill hand at princes this year , altho' she has more of them than ever , and perhaps the succeeding years will be no better than the former , as likewise to embrace my fat , my plump , my jolly m — for i make no question but that the flemish double beer has improv'd his shape to a miracle . but is it possible that the great conde should know i am still in the world ? my friend guenault told me that he saw the second part of my comical romance lie upon his table , which has made me as proud as lucifer . these furious devils call'd hero's wou'd be worth their weight in gold , wou'd they but stoop so low as to have a little love for us poor mortals , who love them exceedingly . as for yours , one would swear that a hundred hero's at least went to the making of him , since he has put our invincible troops so often to the scamper . it may truly be said of him , that if he was a great prophet in his own country , which the scripture tells us no man ever was , he was a greater in a foreign country . if he takes the trouble to cast his eye upon the five letters i have sent you , pray let me know what he says of them . the melancholy letter comes just now from me piping hot , the rest were written last year . i will shortly send you a sketch or essay that has something of the spirit of satyr in it ; 't is my misfortune that 't is writ upon a rascal who is not known enough in the world. in short 't is a son of a whore of an extortioner that owes me six hundred pistols , and refuses to pay me . but , to drop this villain , i will tell you after what manner the third volume of my comical romance begins . there were not as yet any iilting females in the world , and these jansenists of love had not as yet began to despise mankind . our ears were not as yet persecuted with life of life , angelick fair , and charming goddess , when the little ragotin , &c. well , old tost , and how dost thou pass thy time ? tell me , bully rock , art thou still strong and iusty ? are the bona roba's kind , and will they venture a broad-side with one ? adieu , thou everlasting devourer of tarts , thou ocean of custards , and walking quagmire of butter . when the gallant persan comes to paris , 't will be his fault if we don't drink t'other pot of tea in my little room . pray give my humble service to him , and make a compliment in my name to those worthy gentlemen , bouteville and rochefort . take care in good time to inform the pretty lady , who you say is fall'n in love with me , that for the punishment of my sins , my person is become so hideous and terrible , that here in paris they forbid big-bellied women to come near me . to conclude , i must conjure you still to love me , by your — long and strong , i will not say — but such as providence has given it you . lazarillo de tormes . letter xxii . to the mareschal d'albret . aug. . my lord , you may conclude we have little news stirring here , when i am reduced to so low an ebb , as to tell you that boncaur and charleval are in normandy , and that madam de martel and her daughter came yesterday to town . if i must needs send you a long letter , and by the pains i take to divert you , must at least convince you that it was not my fault if i cou'd entertain you no better , 't is certain that in this present dearth of news i must bestir my self most notably . tho' the sights at the * greve , are none of the properest things to send to a person of your quality , yet i must inform you that we hang and break upon the wheel every day in the week , that the hangman is wearied with so much drudgery , and talks of taking in a partner ; and that madam — who next to monsieur de — loves nothing in the world so much as to see people die in publick , begins to be glutted with such sights , and if it were not upon st. ange's score , whom she desires to see broke upon the wheel whatever it costs her , she would forswear going to the greve this twelve-month . all these worthy gentlemen are natives of paris , most of them the sons of pastry●cooks and vintners , who robbed all the coaches and chairs that came in their way , and several gavottes , fanchons , and nanons , that have now stone doublets upon their backs , are in great danger of swinging in the air. i must tell you be way of digression that my countrymen the parisians are , generally speaking , valiant enough in all conscience , but they have a strange inclination to die in their shooes , and cut capers under a cross piece of timber . now i talk of violent deaths , i will tell you of one that is not altogether so scandalous as hanging , but full as terrible . before i enter into my story , you are to understand that at charenton , the next day after their sundays or holidays , the devil a jot of any thing you can get to eat there , and new bread is as hard to come by as a maidenhead at court. it was upon a monday , when the furious rincy , the eloquent pelisson , the never-to-be-too-much commended madam scudery , and the discreet madam bocquet , at half an hour after ten precisely in the morning , sent word to that pink of courtesy the noble izar , who had been about eight days at charenton to take the air , that they intended to dine with him , and that he needed to provide nothing else but a good soop and a dessert , because they would bring victuals along with them from the cook 's . izar and a man of the law , whose name was du mas , that kept him company in the country , set all hands to work , for the better reception of these illustrious guests ; for you must know the four persons abovementioned are not to be seen every day together . three pullets were thrown into the soop , with abundance of green pease ; and while a fellow was sent on horseback to bagnolet to buy strawberries , the most celebrated pastry-cooks in charenton were employ'd in making tarts and cheese-cakes . the garden was pitch'd upon as the fittest place to dine in , and both the table-cloth and the napkins , that smelt most daintily of lavender , were cover'd with a heap of new-gather'd flowers . at last our jolly company of wits arrives . rincy alights out of the coach , and immediately runs into the kitchin. the soop displeased him , and all the preparations that izar and du mas had made , and he delivered himself with so much vehemence and authority , that from that very moment du mas began to respect and fear him . he that had a mind to wash his hands , wash'd them . at last down to dinner they sate ; rincy made jests upon the country-soop , and was trying to cut a loaf asunder , but finding it hard and over-baked , he made no more adoe but flung it at a neighb'ring apricock-tree , by the same token he spoil'd it for ever bearing fruit more , by breaking its greatest boughs . he tries a second loaf , and finding it stale and hard as the former , with the same vigour and alacrity he discharges it at another tree . in short , with six or seven loaves of the same hardness with their predecessors , he knocks down as many fruit-trees more , to the exceeding vexation of the woman of the house , who ran to prevent the desolation of her garden , and made most horrible out-cries . rincy was not a jot moved by them ; he swore that no body should eat a bit till they got him some new bread. messengers were forthwith dispatch'd to all the houses that baked , and they found at last some bread just coming out of the oven . it was laid before rincy , who found it so terrible hot , that they were glad to pick up , among the broken boughs of the trees , those loaves that had been thrown away , but were much more eatable than this bread that burnt their mouths . rincy's blunt behaviour and talk exceedingly surpriz'd our counsellor du mas , and his imperious air no less affrighted him . from that very hour he had rincy always in his imagination . he could not sleep without terrible dreams , and these dreams were full of nothing but rincy . at last the fright that rincy gave him , threw him into a fever . this fever carried him off in less than fifteen days , and he died stark raving mad , talking incessantly of rincy . this is all i know at present , my lord , that is worth the while to communicate to you . madam scarron bids me tell you that she cannot resolve to write to you , till she sees something chearful and pleasant in your letters . this makes me reflect that if you suffer your self to be as much afflicted at p●●s as you were at paris , this letter of mine comes to visit you at a very improper season ; but time , and more-especially your reason , will i hope produce their ordinary effect upon a misfortune that is not to be remedied . i am , with the utmost respect , your lordships most humble , and most obedient servant , s — letter xxiii . to the same . febr. . . my lord , i can't tell whether you have receiv'd a letter twenty eight pages long , which i sent you the last post. that long tedious epistle shall atone for the shortness of this : for which reason i accompany it with my epigrams upon — till the baroncide is finished , which i hope to send you on sunday next . i likewise send you a ballad which is not contemptible , some verses of benserade that follow those he composed upon the peace , and a sonnet upon enjoyment , written by a young lady of about nineteen , whose name is — 't is a thousand pities that she is not so handsom as she is coming , and that her face is not so good as her intentions . i daily expect to see the effect of the promises of monsieur le sur intendant , as much as the iews do to see the messias . the devil on 't is , that a man is upon the rack all the while he hopes , at least he is uneasie , and delays in affairs of this nature , never do any good , but frequently hurt . as for me , i am so unlucky a dog , that i never had any good fortune befal me in the whole course of my life , but i was forced to break through a thousand difficulties first . you will pardon this melancholy reflexion in a wretch who is the foot-ball of destiny , and can scarce make a shift to keep soul and body together . i have been in this confounded predicament two months and upwards . we begin to despair of the recovery of the duke of o●leans . yesterday the duke of lorrain took post for blois . vilarceau lies still in the bastile , altho' those worthy gentlemen the m●reschals gave him hopes that he should only go in and come out again . this , my lord , is all the news the town at present affords . if any of my letters have not been employ'd to light fires , i beseech you to let me have them again . i may pick some fragments out of them , perhaps , that may serve to fill a new collection i am going to publish . letter xxiv . to the same . dec. . . my lord , since the pasty you were pleased to send me , i have received your excellent cheeses . for my part i believe you design to pamper me with the greatest rarities in the world. your liberality has extended it self to all my boarders , who are civil persons , i 'll assure you , and have drank your health very plentifully . if your great pasty was admirable , your cheeses deserve no less commendation , being as good as 't is possible for cheeses made of mortal milk to be . but not to rob your fine presents of the praises they deserve , you must permit me to say something of the letter you did me the honour to write to me , and to tell you that nothing could be more spritely and more gallant ; particularly as for that passage where you are pleas'd to tell me that you leave it to others to regale my wit , whereas you only pretend to regale my tast , i defie our finest writers to say any thing so happily upon such an occasion . by this , my lord , it appears that you are a person of insatiable ambition , and that you are not content with the glory you have acquir'd in the war by your arms , but you must triumph over us poor authors in the time of peace , win our laurels , and carry away the prize of eloquence from us . i wish i had any news to send you . all the talk of the town is about meniville who is dangerously sick . all our courtiers are return'd to paris except the mareschal de villeroy . so soon as any thing happens that is worth the writing , i will take care to let you see by so small and inconsiderable service as that is , and which indeed is the only one i am able to do you , with what zeal i am , my lord , your most humble and most obedient servant , scarron . letter xxv . to — my lord , it belongs in a peculiar manner to those of your family to carry their generosity and goodness as far as 't is possible to go . your brother the attorney-general has been pleas'd to give me a pension , without my asking it ; and your lordship has been pleas'd to come and see me at my poor habitation , without my solliciting the honour of a visit from you . this unparallel'd goodness , to express my self in the new language of my brother-writers , has engaged me most terribly to your lordship . i know full well , my lord , that 't is one of the meanest presents that can be made you , but i offer it with so good a heart , that yours must be very hard indeed if you will not condescend to receive it , and give me leave as long as i live to assume the quality of , my lord , your most humble , and most obedient servant , scarron . letter xxvi . to the attorney-general and sur-intendant of the finances . my lord , 't is not for so worthless and inconsiderable a wretch as i am to ask favours of you ; but i am already in possession of receiving them , and you have already given me so many proofs of your goodness and of your compassion for my misfortunes , that without applying my self to any other persons , who have more interest in your lordship , and honour me with their acquaintance , i have presum'd to rely on my own single credit with you , to beg a small favour of your lordship . 't is one of those favours you sometimes grant , as you may see by the petition i have sent with it ; and i humbly beseech you to have the goodness to read it . 't is for a relation of my wife , who has always been a faithful servant to the king , and who is perswaded that your lordship does me the honour to love me . it lies on your side , my lord , to let him see that he is not mistaken , as it will on mine to publish to all france that you are the most generous of all men , as well as you are the ablest minister of the age. i am , my lord , your most humble , and most obedient servant , scarron . letter xxvii . to the same . my lord , i knew not a syllable till yesterday , of your great loss , but in the little time i have had to afflict my self for it , i have as well acquitted my self as those who knew of it long before me . i have great reason to complain of monsieur de chaulne for not acquainting me with it sooner , that i might have had the honour of coming one of the first , to assure you how much i am concern'd at whatever affects you . 't is undoubtedly the effect of my constant ill fortune , which would endeavour to make me seem wanting in my duty to you , contrary to my inclinations , in order to make me unworthy of the favours i receive from you , and which i never received from any one besides . monsieur de mares who did me the honour yesterday to make me a visit , can tell you how much it troubled me that i should be a stranger to that which all the world besides knew . upon his encouragement i have compos'd a wretched sonnet , which i made some difficulty of sending to you , for fear i should renew your grief . but my lord , i had rather be blamed for coming too late , than give you the least umbrage that i am unconcern'd at any affliction , which has made such an impression upon you . i am , my lord , your most humble , &c. letter xxviii . to the same . my lord , i was , it seems , but too true a prophet , when i sent you word some time ago , that my ill fortune was never to be vanquish'd , but by a person of the same generosity and authority with your self . under my present circumstances , i cannot make a better requital to mons. pelisson , for his kindness in speaking to you of my affair , and acquainting me with the obliging answer you made him , than to send you the letter he writ to me on that occasion . it so truly discovers the profound respect he has for your lordship that i presume i shall not make his court amiss to you , in letting you know by this means , without his knowing any thing of the matter , what , perhaps , he is very desirous you shou'd know , but dares not say it to you . 't is a difficult thing to talk of you , though it were before your face , and not to praise you ; 't is no less difficult to praise and not to displease you , but 't is the most difficult thing of all for one to avoid praising you . for this reason i would have some body else tell you in my stead , that you are the most generous man in the universe , and that all the favours you have shown me , have far exceeded my wishes and expectations . but my lord , will you not be apt to suspect , that the good office , which i imagine i do my friend , is not altogether free from interest , and don 't you think , that my showing his letter and commending it to you , so frankly as i do , is a cunning trick to make use of his thoughts , in order to express my own to you , without running the hazard of trespassing against your modesty ? i must honesty own to you , that there is something of that in it ; but since i am not able to conceal it from you , judge by this free confession , how sincere i am in my nature ; and believe , that nothing is so true , as that i am more than any man breathing , my lord , your most humble and most obedient , and most dutiful servant , scarron . letter xxix . to the same . my lord , if a man did not find a satisfaction within himself when he● does a charitable action , i can't assign any reason why you should do so many to me . i don't pretend to be in the least serviceable to you , and i dare not desire that ever i may be so , for fear of wishing something that might be disadvantageous to you . neither can i hope to contribute much to your diversion , not being in a condition to wait upon you , nor to make my self any otherwise known to you , than all the rest of the world knows me , that is , for being an unfortunate abandon'd wretch , and for writing of books sometimes , that is to say , for being ( so my unlucky stars would have it ) one of the greatest plagues and nusances of humane life . but though i were master of better qualities , though an acquaintance of many years had gain'd me your friendship , and though i were in a capacity to cultivate it by a commerce of letters , yet the affairs of the ministry would not allow you time to read them . in truth , my lord , these thoughts give me no little uneasiness , as often as i partake of your liberality ; and i am much asham'd , that i have no way to preserve my self in your remembrance , but by some miserable productions of my mind , to which a body more miserable , and a destiny still more miserable than that jaded body , have , in a manner , deny'd all tranquillity . but , my lord , since i have hapned to make mention of my writings and all that , has my fable of hero and leander had the happiness to please you ? mons. de chaulne would fain make me believe it has , but perhaps he only design'd to flatter an unhappy wretch . i conjure you , my lord , either to give me your approbation of it under your hand , which i shall prefer to the testimony of all the academies in the world , or else to censure it , in order to make me know my self . i am , my lord , your most humble , &c. scarron . letter xxx . to the same . my lord , the goodness you were pleas'd to show me in not despising the comedy i presum'd to dedicate to you , is of it self obligation enough to make me devote my self to your lordship , although you had not engag'd me to do so , by overwhelming me with new favours . i flatter my self , that i thank you in some manner for them , when i honestly confess to you , that i cannot thank you enough , and that i better express my gratitude to you by this confession , than by all the complements in the world. i am , my lord , your most humble , &c. scarron . letter xxxi . to the same . i so little deserve the last favour you were pleas'd to confer upon me , that i should have been surpris'd at it , if i had not already receiv'd so many marks of your liberality , or if i were the only man in the kingdom who was ignorant that you are incessantly doing good to all mankind . i beg you to believe , that i have as grateful a sense of all your favours , as 't is possible for one to have . but , my lord , if 't is the greatest satisfaction to me to find , that all the pressing affairs of state , which you so wisely manage , can't hinder you from thinking of mine ; 't is no small affliction to me , that i cannot conceal your kindnesses without ingratitude , nor publish them without making the world suspect , that 't is less out of inclination than interest , that i have been all my life , my lord , your most humble , &c. scarron . letter xxxii . to the same . my lord , never was any sur-intendant in france so much esteem'd and belov'd as you are ; and indeed never was any man so generous and obliging . but i am of opinion , that it costs you not a little ; and that this fine reputation exposes you to a thousand importunities . as for me , i should have a continual remorse of conscience for troubling you all my life , and not being able to leave it off yet , did i not see at the same time , the wealthiest persons , and those of the highest condition , beg favours of you with more importunity than i do , although they have not such a right to pretend to your favours , as an unhappy wretch like me , whom you have promis'd to make easie . 't is , my lord , an undertaking worthy of you : and that i may give you the satisfaction of seeing it sooner over , i have made bold to recommend to you my interests in the affair of the debentures . you know very well , my lord , that you were pleas'd , at my instance , to grant the confirmation of them . the persons for whom i sollicited you , offer'd me a small part in the business ; but as i was never fortunate in my life , and could not tell what would be the success of it , i rather chose to accept the six hundred pistoles , which they promis'd me under hand and seal , upon the first sums they receiv'd . at present i have no manner of concern in the affair , neither have i receiv'd a farthing of the mony they promis'd me , in case i procur'd a grant for them . now one word from you to the party who has the management of it , would secure me either one or the other , or , perhaps , both together . i make no question but you 'll grant me this favour , since i am more than any one living , my lord , your lordship 's most humble , &c. scarron . letter xxxiii . to the same . my lord , i take the freedom to make a request to you with as much boldness , as if after a court of many years i had done you some important service ; but men of your quality , and generous to that degree as you are , not only oblige their friends and servants , but all those that want their help . they are incessantly busied to protect the unfortunate , and see justice done them ; and as for you , my lord , i believe there scarce passes a day over your head , but some knight or unhappy damosel comes to beg relief of you . i therefore conjure you , as being the most miserable man in the world , but one who honours you the most , to grant me a small favour . 't is , my lord , that you would be pleas'd to prevail with the provost of the merchants , that he wou'd n't oppose the establishing some offices in the city , the propriety whereof i have acquir'd . this affair may make me easie in the world , and be worth to me two or three thousand livres a year . but my constant ill destiny , which loses not the least opportunity to do me a mischief , has rais'd a busie , troublesome coxcomb against me , who , although he has not the least interest in this affair , has prepossest the provost of the merchants , and made him my enemy . i desired the president mons. de guenegot , to speak a good word for me , and he was so kind as to carry mons. de franquetot and my wife to him ; but his recommendation has signified little or nothing . i expect another sort of effect from one of your letters to him , which i humbly beg you to write , and send by one of your own people . when you once let him see that i have the honour of being known to you , he will soon draw this inference , that it will be worth his while to oblige me . but if you would farther be pleas'd to intimate to him , that i am not indifferent to you , he will make my business his own , since he will believe that 't is yours in some manner ; and you 'll receive this satisfaction by it , that the most zealous of your servants will not be likewise the poorest , and thus he will with more serenity enjoy the honour of your friendship . i am , my lord , your most humble , &c. scarron . letter xxxiv . to the same . my lord , although you are the most able minister of state we have , yet give me leave to tell you , that you did not know what you did , when you condescended to assure me by the most obliging letter in the world , that i had some share in your good will and friendship . the unfortunate , in which number i may justly reckon my self , are often troublesome against their inclination , and persons of the same generosity with your lordship , have sometimes reason to repent of their being so . after all these mighty things you have done for me , for which i shall be oblig'd to you so long as i live , altho the success of 'em does not answer my expectation , i should not have a pretence to importune you any more , if either my unhappy stars would leave persecuting me , or if 't was possible for your generosity to be wearied . but , my lord , you have made me too great promises to give me any apprehensions of asking too much : besides , that the affair i beg you to dispatch for me , is one of those that are seldom or never rejected at the council-table . 't is what i signify'd to you in my last , which in a little time will bring mony into the king's coffers ; and if it succeeds , i shall have as much reason to bless my fate for your favours to me , as i hitherto had to bless them for your extraordinary civility . but let things fall out as they will , i should be the most ungrateful man in the world , if i were not whilst i live , my lord , your most humble , &c. letter xxxv . to the same . my lord , don't i take too much freedom upon me to persecute you with my letters ? let me know your mind i beseech you , that if i have committed a fault , i may amend it for the future . to deal frankly with you , i cannot help being a little familiar with those persons whom i exceedingly love , nor be serious till i come to the end of my letter , though i begun it with my lord , in huge capital letters . i would not have you infer from hence , that i am ever wanting in my respect for your lordship : i will always acquit my self towards you , as i am in duty bound , and will attempt to write to you in the sublime stile when there is occasion for it : but this same individual man , my lord , that will sometimes place half a foot distance between your title and the beginning of his letter , who will lavish all his stock of hyperboles there , and will not forget the least of your qualities , to make his performance more solemn and authentick , will be sometimes so bold as to trouble you with trifles , and strive to cheer up a little that serious countenance , which , in my opinion , becomes you so well when you are making decrees . in short , he will sometimes endeavour to vn-cato you , if i may so express my self . he will not indeed presume to offer at this , when you are taken up with important affairs of state , and when you are attorny-general , sur●intendant of the finances , and minister of state altogether . mons. de chaulne will take you at a more seasonable time , and will not introduce me to you , but when you are plain mons. fo●quet , that is to say , the most obliging and generous man in the universe , when you shine by your own proper light , without borrowing that of your dignity and offices ; when having quitted the magistrates robe , you are walking in your chamber , either at st. man●é , or at paris , in a short coat , and almost the same equipage and humour scipio was in , when he gather'd cockle-shells on the sea-shore with his friend laelius . at such a time as this , my lord , if i had the happiness to be in your company , i would say every thing to you that came first into my head , and display my self with all the gayety that heaven has bestow'd upon me . however , i would not presume to make so bold with you , till i had your permission for it , as the late cardinal de lyon , upon asking , us'd to allow me ; and as i take without asking of the cardinal de retz , when he reposes himself just by me upon a little yellow couch , and we talk of something else besides politicks and religion . i may boast , that with these two eminences i have triumph'd over that formal gravity that uses to accompany the red hat. both of them formerly made me believe that they had a kindness for me . after such presidents , you may vouchsafe to afford me a little of your love without any shame , and by the extraordinary care i took to deserve their favour , you may judge with what zeal i am resolv'd to devote myself to you . your lordship wishes me well for no other consideration , but because i am unfortunate ; and you have done more for me in fifteen days , than a great number of noblemen even promis'd to do for me , ever since i have been condemn'd a perpetual prisoner to my chair . within these twenty years , there has scarce pass'd a year over my head , but some of those honourable peers , who come to see in my chamber just as people went formerly to see an elephant , out of curiosity , or who come to spend an afternoon with me , when they are disappointed in their visits , or have nothing else to do ; there has scarce pass'd a year over my head , i say since then , but some of these pretenders to generosity , and friends in masquerade , have made me most magnificent promises , and voluntarily offer'd to serve me , or any of my friends without my asking : whereas mons. the chief president , whom i never had the honour to see in all my life , sent me last year a considerable present by abbé menage , a little after i had dedicated a book to him ; whereas you , who did not know whether i was in the world , have honour'd me with your favours , and in a manner too more obliging than the favour itself . i presume , my lord , i ought not any farther to explain to you what i desire of you , though you have laid an injunction upon me to do it : i ought indeed to receive whatever kindnesses you think fit to confer upon me , with all imaginable gratitude , but i have no right to prescribe them to you , or to importune you for them . a person of your generosity needs not be instructed what he is to do . 't is enough for the comfort of my life hereafter , that you have been pleas'd to look down from the eminent station wherein you are plac'd , upon that wherein i am ; and i don 't at all doubt , after the obliging letter you did me the honour to write to me , and which i will carefully preserve , that i may justly apply to you , what a celebrated poet formerly said of his benefactor , deus nobis haec otia fecit . letter xxxvi . to the same . my lord , though i had been as ill receiv'd by the queen of sweden , as my reception has all along been otherwise , yet every time i order'd my self to be carried to the louvre , to divert her majesty , i was told that i should not be unwelcome if i now and then waited upon you , and paid my respects to the person , to whom i am more oblig'd than any man living . i had long before this gratify'd my impatient desire to see you , if my health had not oblig'd me to go to take the air within a league of paris , where i hope to finish a play , and the conclusion of my romance . in the mean time , my lord , i beseech you to remember the promise you made my wife , concerning the marquisate of her cousin de circe , and to permit mons. patriau to make a report of it to you . i confess , 't is a great favour we ask you ; but i think i have already told you , that you cannot grant small ones , and still i protest to you , that if i were not fully satisfy'd that this estate , for which we entreat your definitive sentence , is one of the most seigneurial in france , i would not have presum'd to speak to you about it , although all my wife's relations in poictou have daily importun'd me . but i will no longer trespass upon your patience . i am , my lord , your most humble , &c. letter xxxvii . to mons. pelisson . sir , you may read what my patron writes to me before it comes to my hands . after all the good offices you have done me with him , you may very well open the letters he writes to me , and i have some reason methinks to complain of you , for not reading that of to day's date before i had it 't is full of the kindest expressions that can be imagined ; it has warm'd my gratitude to so high a degree , and thrown me into so great a confusion , that if he should write me many more letters of the same strain , i believe that i , who ought to love him more than any man in the world , should at last go and stab my self at his feet , to express a resentment so sincere as mine is . i have sent you this letter , that you may confess with me , that nothing can be more obliging . send it me back i beseech you , for i will lodge it amongst my most valuable archives , as a pledge of that kindness , which the most generous man upon earth has been pleas'd to express for me . pray send me your opinion , whether you think he was diverted with the epigrams that i compos'd upon b — . unless i am mistaken , two of them are pleasant enough . letter xxxviii . to — sir , 't is almost impossible for one to be obliging as you are , and not to be very often importun'd . for my part , i am very sensible that i am troublesome to you , but importunities may in some manner be allow'd to unfortunate persons , in which number i am sorry to rank my self , and besides , you your self must needs think me a strange , unconsidering wretch , if i did not make some advantage of the honour of your friendship , and the kindness you have all along express'd for me . my servant left yesterday at your house , a memorial of my affair with mons. le tardif , who to be sure would never refuse you a matter of greater importance , and to whom i will communicate , whenever he thinks fit , the grounds upon which i build my pretensions . i beseech you , sir , to speak a word or two to him about it , and to give me leave to send somebody to him as from you to beg that of him , which you will find in the memorial i have sent you . 't is one of my friends at dreux that give● me this advice , and who has made me find my private advantage in it , besides the satisfaction of serving him . i am , sir , your most humble and most obedient servant , scarron . letter xxxix . to — . sir , 't is a mighty loss to me , that i am not so well known to you as you are to me : you would not then question , that i have all that due sense of your generosity which you can desire , and for the several obligations i have to you , all the gratitude that i can show or express . i was told to day by mons. tardif , what measures you intend to take to serve me ; and i have satisfy'd him how far all these obliging steps you make in my behalf are free from all suspicion of interest , since i am the most useless , insignificant wretch alive . i beseech you , sir , to continue them , and to compleat a work , which could only be undertaken by one that has as large a soul as your self . if you will appoint any day for it , i 'll take care to give due notice to mons. tardif . i am impatient to owe all my ease in this world to you , not so much to see my affairs soon establish'd , as that i may have more right to say , that i am more indebted to you than any one , and i beg you to believe , that this will always be the highest ambition of , sir , your most humble and most obedient servant , scarron . to — . sir , i wish i were able to write a letter to you that deserv'd to be shown to your patron , and would make him give a second order to mons. bruant . but is it possible for a man to write well , when he has not a farthing to bless him ? for my part , i was never so plaguily out with fortune as i am at this present writing . out of three lotteries i could get nothing but blanks , when madam scarron could get two silver cups ; but as they don't belong to my jurisdiction , they only make me envy her good luck , and rail at my own ill destiny . add to this , bois-robert and the corneill●s . whom your patron so sage , the maecenas o' th' age , in honour to wit , he the best iudge of it , so often invites to see him a nights . this , under the rose , disturbs my repose ; as the famous exploits of a grecian commander , inferiour in nothing to great alexander , kept nightly awake an athenian rake . by my troth i can't tell in what olymp'ad it fell , 't is without it as well . by this i find the good old proverb , a man's face is his best spokesman , to be one of the truest in the world. if i could go up and down like the rest of the two-legg'd creation , it would save you at least twenty troublesome letters a week , and i would certainly make my court in my own person , as deform'd and monstrous as it is . i have oft , on my word , try'd to visit your lord , and to make my best show , dress'd and prim'd like a beau. but the plague on 't lies here ; when i 'm put in my chair , my pains strait begin , both without and within , to make their attack , and maul me thwick thwack ; then i swagger and roar , call son of a whore ; ha! jernie , morbleu , and swear like a iew , or a porter at put , or beau at a slut , or a coachman at spark when bilk'd in the dark , or bully at dun , or german dragoon , or a sharper at play , or a seaman for pay , or a rake for a whore , or a priest for a cure. but i 've plagu'd you enough with this tragical stuff . that which i have hinted to you here in verse , the good people of narquois de bigot use to call being visited by the lord ; and i have frequently heard some priests and monks congratulate me , because the good lord visited me oftner than any one else , and they seem'd to envy me this happiness , which i would have quitted to them with all my heart , as great a step to salvation as they think it . in troth , i am at present so bad a christian , that i can hardly return my thanks for such visits , and want several rounds of the ladder , before i can mount up to so perfect a resignation of my self to the will of providence . in the mean time , i languish in expectation of what you have made me hope from monsieur bruant . i believe , as you send me word , that he is willing enough to oblige me , but i very much question , whether he will be able to do much for me . i am likewise of opinion , that he 's puzzl'd enough in all conscience to find mony for the beginning of the campaign ; but so small a sum would suffice to equip me for mine ; and what i expect from him would so little contribute to make him easie , that he may soon put an end to all my troubles without increasing his own . 't is your interest , i must tell you , to prevail with him to do it , that you may deliver your self from the persecution of my billets and epistles . now it comes into my head , i was yesterday put into bodily fear . word was brought me , that mons. meraut , master of the accounts , must speak with me . i expected some terrible business or other ; but he only talk'd of the repairs of his house , the overflowing of the seine , the affair of hedin , and above all , told me , i was a happy man to have so much wit. sir , your most humble , &c. scarron . letter xl. to — . sir , i am going to tell you a story that concerns you , and which will divert you , unless i 'm mistaken . about three days ago i happen'd to be without mony , an accident that befals me oftner than i could wish , so i sent my servant to mons. richmond , of whom i quarterly receive four hundred livres , which the sur-intendant is pleas'd to allow me , and pray'd him to advance me ten days payment of the quarter then running . there happen'd to be in the room one mr. — to whom i am an absolute stranger , and who censur'd this as a great fault in me , which however i believe i shall not correct in my self this pretty while yet . seeing my servant , says he to him , i don't know your master , he knows no body but mons. de lorme , and never dedicated or gave any of his books to me ; tell him that he shall not have a peny of his mony till the end of the month. you may see , sir , how this cursed , plaguy poverty draws contempt upon a man , and that although queens and princesses , and all the persons of quality in the kingdom have had the curiosity to see me , honour me with their visits , and excuse me from returning them , a rude whipster of a fellow shall impudently insult me . you may likewise see , that although you are esteem'd and lov'd by all the world , you are not able to escape the malice of some envious brutes , who are vex'd at your reputation . but i will no longer make the men of business murmur , who wait you in your anti-chamber , by amusing you to read a letter of so little importance . i am , sir , your most humble , most obedient , and most passionate servant , scarron . letter xli . to — . sir , i now send you the two letters i read to you yesterday , because i observ'd they did not displease you . in the mean time , i will order some more to be copied out for you , and likewise a few verses . at present i am wholly taken up with my play , because i have my chief subsistence from the theatre . this writing of plays is a confounded fatigue that does not turn to account , when a man spends a world of time and thought about them , and there is little or no reputation to be got , when they are made in a hurry . all other things require repose and tranquillity . a man can scarce enjoy either one or the other , when he is as ill in his health as in his affairs ; and for my self , i make no scruple to own , that i find my gaiety sensibly decay , since , like an unhappy workman , i am forc'd to write verses to get my bread. i find my self too not a little perplex'd in my thoughts about the attorney●general , for if i don't thank him as often as my gratitude prompts me to do it , he will suspect i have none ; and if i thank him as often as i am desirous to do it , i fear he will think i act wholly upon interest . i know well enough , that he is too generous to expect compliments from those he obliges , and that his judgment is too discerning not to know , that to give to such an useless wretch as my self , is properly charity ; whereas , to oblige a person who may requite us again in specie , is not doing a kindness , but downright trafficking and policy . in short , sir , there is a certain conduct i am to observe in this affair , which i can only learn from your self , who have known him so long . i did not think to write so gravely to you , but a man cannot help sometimes having clouds in his brain , which must have time to disperse . tell me the name of your friend , that i may certainly know to whom it is i am oblig'd . i am , sir , your most humble , and most obedient servant , scarron . xlii . a character . since drawing of characters is so much in fashion , i am resolv'd to attempt one : but having a just diffidence of my own talent , i will chuse a subiect so fertile , that my performance , although perhaps 't is ill executed , shall nevertheless find admirers enough . the person whom i design to paint , is a man of quality ; great by his birth , since he is descended from the blood of our princes , but much greater still by his merit . when but thirty years old , he was scarce thought sufficiently rewarded with one of the highest posts at court. he was made an officer of the crown , i don't mean one of those , who are only oblig'd to serve the king in a pair of silk stockings , and glitter at a court-masquerade ; but one of those who want but one step higher to arrive at the supreme command of war , and whom our kings may safely trust with the defence of our frontiers , and the conduct of our armies . but he is not as yet where he ought to be . if fortune leaves him where he is , 't is impossible for her to be more unjust , and if she should heap upon him all that 't is in her power to give , i can't tell whether it would be all he deserves . he possesses , without contradiction , all those shining qualities , that are requir'd in what we commonly call a hero or demi-god . he was so to me ever since i had the honour to know him , and will always be so to the rest of the world that have any discernment . the greatest heroes of antiquity were in no respect superior to him ; and of all those that have wore the sword ( for there are people that wear it in all professions ) i know none that have so gloriously employ'd theirs , as my hero has done both in france and flanders . in both these places , they take a pleasure to talk of his victories , as they formerly did in rome to relate that of horatius over the curiatii , and , if like that valiant roman , he has been prais'd for having always beaten his enemy , he cannot , like him , be blam'd for ever turning his back . but if he possesses in a more eminent manner than any man living , all the essential ingredients that enter into the composition of a hero , he has no less his mien . the charms of his person answer his other qualities , and by them he has triumph'd over the most formidable beauties of the court , as he has over the bravest by his valour ; and his victories in love equal those of war. it 's true , that he is accu'd for running incessantly after new conquests ; but the ambition of a conqueror scorns all bounds , and he that can vanquish with ease , can hardly forbear to make an attack . he is somewhat above the common size , but not too tall ; and by what we find his shape at present , we may easily guess that it has been one of the finest in the world. his head comprehends all the good sense we bestow upon grey hairs , without wearing their livery , and from the agreeable air it gives his face , and from that it receives from it , there results a noble masculine beauty , which , without having the delicacy of that of the women , has , notwithstanding , every thing that makes them be belov'd . i would not in so particular a manner draw the portrait of his visage , nor of his entire person , did i not fear to be reproach'd , for speaking only of his advantages , and haying a design to omit the rest . therefore , after i have said that he has fine teeth , a beauty that belongs to men as well as women , and without which , the most accomplish'd may give disgust . i will own , that his eyes , tho' lively and full of fire , are weak to see any thing at a distance , tho' they lose nothing of what they see near at hand , and that they are the sweetest in the world. some ladies impute to them the inconstancy which they condemn in him , and complain of him for suffering himself to be conducted by such treacherous guides , which make him run after every new object , and are frequently apt to make him go astray . but is it not their fault ? and the crime they accuse him of , does it not proceed from their bad example ? and do they practise those duties which they pretend he neglects ? a man may sometimes give his eyes leave to look upon objects that are unworthy of him , provided he does it only en passant , and as in my character , i have hitherto only drawn that which he may have in common with others , yet w●at he possesses above the ordinary rank of men , what he derives neither from his birth and fortune , but only from himself , is of a much greater price , and more difficult to paint . i mean his soul , that was never shaken by any accidents of fortune , his wit that equals the tranquillity of his soul , and his natural facility of expressing himself , that is , neither affected nor too study'd . a man may be sometimes allow'd to be inconstant in love , when he is , like him , the most constant man in his friendships . when i talk'd of the beauty of his shape , i forgot that of his legs , at a time when our great guns have conceal'd the defects of many of our ba●dy-leg'd courtiers , and when those who pretend to set up for handsome sparks , and are , in appearance , the best made , very often have none of the straitest . to — paris , iune th . . sir , i am going to give you a convincing proof , how much i am your friend , by bringing you to the knowledge of madam de mongeron's son , and by giving you an opportunity to oblige a lady of her merit in the person of her son , who really deserves , what for my sake you 'll grant him , a room in your friendship . you 'll give me a proof of your own , if you gratifie me in this particular , and for this piece of service to you and him , i expect abundance of thanks from both of you , before the campaign will be over . among the other good qualities that shine in this young gentleman . i will acquaint you but with one , that perhaps he would conceal from you . he plays upon the lute better than any man of his condition , and yet the time he has spent to acquire this skill , has not done the least prejudice to his other exercises , no more than it has hindred his studies , and his travelling into spain , germany and italy . tho' his modesty , i know , will incline him to conceal his own worth , yet a person of your judgment will soon discover what i tell you to be true , and much more , which we will talk of next winter . in the mean time , oh thou most passionate of all men , but the least punctual in every thing , except friendship , i am , sir , your most humble , &c. scarron . to — . sir , you 'll find me good for something , since i put an opportunity into your hands of obliging a very honest gentleman . 't is mr. r — . of whom i spoke to you t'other day . he is as much my friend as i can for the heart of me desire him to be . by this i design to let you understand , that he has a great deal of merit . for your own reputation you ought not to suspect that i don't know you ; i who know at first sight what you value , and who would buy your friendship at the highest price you can set upon it , were i able to purchase it . monsieur de rosleau will let you know the rest . i am , sir , your most humble , &c. scarron . to — . sir , my wife has inform'd me , what obliging designs you have propos'd to serve us . these new marks of your generosity , have added nothing to the good opinion i have had of you before . in that little time i had the honour of seeing you , i was sufficiently convinc'd of what your reputation long ago had given me the greatest assurances ; and i sincerely protest to you , that altho' the expectations i have built to my self upon your protection and friendship , should be attended with no good success , yet i shall only complain of my untoward destiny , and extol your generosity while i live . the world , i believe , does not take me for an ungrateful . fellow , and i can give you no better proof of it , than by desiring you to observe , that tho' i am the most useless insignificant man alive , yet several persons of condition and merit are my friends , or at least pretend to be so . but i must ingeniously own to you , that among those who appear the most zealous to serve me , not one has offer'd to do it at so critical a juncture as your self your time , as precious as it is , is less bestow'd upon your self than others ; and i am sensible , that i should make you lose too much of it , if i should here pretend to set down all that my gratitude inspires me with . till i have an opportunity to make you a publick acknowledgment of it , be pleas'd to take up with this sincere protestation i make you , of being , while i live , your most humble , &c. scarron . let. xliii . to — . most reverend father , you send me word , that father vavasseur has written a treatise against the burlesque sti●e . 't is well done of him ; i even envy him for so good a design , and you will exceedingly oblige me , to let me have a sight of a book , which deserves so well of the publick . if i were to write against any of the crying sins of the age , i would most certainly level my pen at burlesque verse : and you have a very ill opinion of me indeed , if you think i am angry with this worthy . author for his performance . next to a stinking breath , and to a dull rogue that always affects to be witty. i know no greater plague in the world , than this execrable sort of poetry : and since i am , in some measure , the occasion of its mighty spreading , i cannot take it ill of father vavasseur , if when his hand is in , he gives me a lash or two . those that told you i was angry with him , don't know me . for my part , i had not known at this very minute , that he had written against these insects of parnassus , these scoundrils of helicon , if you had not given me notice of it . the publick ought to return him thanks for this noble work , which i hope will effectually reform so enormous an abuse ; and you ought likewise to let me see him as soon as you can contri●● it , to make me amends for the wrong you have done me , in believing me capable of being displeas'd at so charitable a design . i am father vavasseur's and your most humble servant scarron . let. xliv . to — . madam , altho' my affair were wholly desperate , i should prefer it to the best fortune in the world , since it has been the occasion of my receiving a letter from you . 't is impossible for any thing to be written in a more obliging manner , and were i not a gallant wholly dead to this wicked world● i could hardly forbear growing vain upon so great a favour . perhaps , madam , you only thought to write me a civil letter ; you have gone much farther , and i must freely declare to you , that of the unhappiest of all men , you have so 〈◊〉 reconcil'd me to my fortune , that i look upon my self to be rather an object of envy than pity . in short ; the satisfaction your goodness has given me , employs all the faculties of my mind , and takes me up to that degree , that i don't know how to talk to you about my affair with mons. de la noue renart . but since you enjoyn me to do it , and 't is more reasonable i should obey you than follow my own humour , i will tell you , madam , that provided you 'll signifie to mons. de la noue renart , that madam scarron and i are so happy to have some share in your graces , 't is impossible but my affair must succeed in his hands , tho' he were as much against me , as i know him enclin'd to serve you . madam , your most humble , &c. scarron . let. xlv . to — . apr. . sir , i can't tell whether you are as effectually lost to your other friends as you are to me . for my part , i see you no more than if you were already one of the deans of the angelick choire , towards which place you are riding in post-hast . however , i think you are not ill provided for in this transitory world ; and in my opinion , twelve thousand livres a year in pure benefices , and a foolish estate of eight hundred thousand livres more , may easily reconcile a man to make a longer stay among us poor mortals . raillery apart , what is the reason i never see you ? is it because your hours of devotion take up all your time , or you are resolv'd to break off all commerce with so great a sinner as my self . this would be the true action of a pharisee , and you ought much rather to endeavour my salvation , as a thing to be fear'd , and not leave me off , till you saw the young saint of your own planting , sprout up and flourish . sir , your most humble , &c. scarron . let. xlvi . to mons. de segruis . sir , her highness does me a great deal of honour , to think that so worthless an insect as i is still in the world , and you do me no little honour on your side , to believe me capable of drawing a character as it ought to be . tho' i should be so vain , as to flatter my self upon this article , and my desire to please you should give me that to paint , yet the portraits which her highness has made , would wholly discourage me from attempting any thing of this nature . they are , as far as i am able to judge , the finest that were ever drawn ; and our wits would have reason to complain of this princess , for robbing them of the glory of writing well , if she did not make them sufficient amends , by the honour she does them to be of their profession . a good character is a much harder performance than one would imagine . a man ought to be very well acquainted with his subject , before he presumes to describe it ; but as far as i can see , we scarce know any thing well but our selves , and some of our intimate friends . now i will appeal to you , whether a man of breeding can commend himself without a great deal of vanity , and on the other hand , is he oblig'd to lay open his blind-side to others as he would to his confessor ? in like manner : can a man praise his friends without tiring them , or expose their defects without offending them ? there are no less inconveniences in praising those persons that are indifferent to us : for as a portrait ought to be of a known subject● and a man has no other way of making himself known but by his quality and merit , we run the risk of disobliging those whom we ought to respect and esteem , if we don't give them the praises they deserve . we are taken for impertinent fools , if we bestow false commendations upon them , and let us manage the panegyrick as nicely as we can , yet nothing , in my opinion , is more fulsome and tedious , either for him that receives it , or for him that gives it , or for those that hear it . besides these general reasons , which have made me take up a resolution not to draw any characters , i have some peculiar to my self , which i don't doubt but you 'll allow . an unhappy wretch as i am , that never stirs out of his chamber , can have no knowledge either of men or things , but by second hand from others ; and you 'll agree with me that this is a great disadvantage to a painter , who ought to have his imagi●tion full of a great number of idea's , that are only to be had in conversation and seeing the world. for my part , i find to my great mortification , that a man grows rusty at long-run in a chamber , as well as in the country ; and i am no less satisfy'd , that he ought to have as great a stock of wit and judgment● as the princess has , to be able to draw a character well , and to be of the same quality with her , to be able to praise and blame without incurring censure . i am , sir , your most humble , &c. scarron . let. xlvii . to the duke of elboeuf . i know well enough what i owe to one of your grace's dignity , and will never abuse it ; but 't is almost impossible for me to write to you without trembling , and to preserve my cheerful temper , in a letter which is to begin with a may it please your grace , written in huge gigantick letters , and the rest following it at half a yard distance at least . be not displeas'd that i take this opportunity to send you a thousand thanks for doing me the honour to think of me now and then , for all the pies you have presented me with , and particularly for the last which i just now receiv'd . we shall open it to morrow with more pomp and solemnity than lawyers do the term : there will be the messieurs de vivonne , de mata , d'elbene , de chastillon , and my self . we will drink your health most magnificently , and the honour of your remembrance shall fully comfort me for the absence of madam scaron , whom madam de mont● chevreuil has carried away from me . i am mightily afraid lest that debauch'd lady should make the wife of my bosom take a fancy to wine and women , and perfectly spoil her before she sends me her home again . as for you , my lord , let me advise you not to squander away all your radical moisture among the nymphs of picardy , but keep a little to comfort the poor damsels of paris , on questo . i am , of all your most humble and most obedient servants , the most dutiful and most zealous , scarron . let. xlviii . to mons. de villette . nov. . . sir , i was not in a condition to send you an answer sooner , by reason of a great defluxion in one of my eyes . since that time you have written to madam scarron , and likewise to mons. de nossac . your two letters are admirable in their kind , and deserve to be learnt by heart . a person of very good sense , to whom you are no stranger , told me when he read them , that he was confident you were in very good health , and that your affairs went well in the world , since you were able to write two such diverting letters . as for me , if i did not know that you writ both of them with all the ease imaginable , i would say of your fine compositions in prose , wherein you carry the prize , what the aforesaid mons. d'elbene said very pleasantly some time ago , of those people that are always aiming to speak witty things in company : that in truth , a man got a great deal of credit by always speaking fine things , but that by straining to do so , he put himself to a great expence , and that he had made it his observation , that such gentlemen did not live long . may heaven of its infinite goodness still preserve you in this secundity of wit , and indefatigability of hand , and may i fifty years hence be entertain'd with your happy productions . but this only by the by . madam scarron is very unhappy that she has not a coach and six , and a fine equipage , to go up and down where she pleases , when so great a happiness is offer'd her , as that of being invited to brouage by mademoiselle de manchini . tyber's rich present , and the pride of france . i hope she 'll make her self amends for so great a loss , so soon as the court returns to paris , and that then she 'll have the honour of being known to that incomparable roman lady , and have some share in her friendship . as for me , i would offer her my incense ( for you know that we poets must always have some divinity to bestow it upon ) but i no less distrust the merit of my present , than i am persuaded , that no person in the world deserves the richest figures of our poets better than she ; and you know well enough that our merchandize is slighted , when 't is given before 't is call'd for . paris is as empty as your brouage is full , tho' i am scarce sensible of it in my little habitation here ; for company so crowds upon us , that i have order'd my servants to tell all the princes , dukes , and officers of the crown that enquire for me daily , that i receive no visits . this makes people very ambitious to be admitted into our little society , and there is furious canvasing for it both in city and court. i don't say this with a design to insinuate , that we at paris pretend to enter into any competition with your deities at brouage , and with your other happy persons , that enjoy such instructive conversation there : but their true element is paris or the court , and when upon their leaving brouage , they leave you in your primitive nothing where they found you , you will be no better nor worse than country-bumpkins , and meer clowns . adieu , my hand akes with writing . let. xlix . to the count de vivonne . sir , i have found the foul copy of the letter which i writ to you , and must needs own to you , i think it very foolish ; but since you have a mind to see it , i send it you such as it is . 't is a wonderful satisfaction to me that you keep me still in your remembrance ; and indeed you do me but justice , for you are oblig'd in conscience to think sometimes of a man that esteems you so much as i do ; and i beseech you to believe that your retirement at roissy is not half so tiresome to your self as me , who should hope sometimes to see you at my poor quarters , if you were in paris ; i mean when you can find no body in the ruedes tournelles , or elsewhere , and you have nothing better to employ you . our neighbours should be the principal subject of our conversation , or , if you please , the burthen of the song , and to relieve the scene , we would sometimes tell merry bantering stories , without which , i positively maintain , that all conversation in a little time becomes insipid and languishing . mons. d'elbene and i , remember you frequently over our wine , and i wish with all my heart you were here to pledge us . monsieur , de mata is in xaintonge , and 't wou'd be well for me if he were in paris ; for then you would have less reason to fear being tir'd with impertinent chat , when you would be so good natur'd as to make a short visit to your most humble servant , scarron . let. l. to — . sept. . ● . sir , at last my affair is sign'd , and i owe all the obligation of it to you . i wish i were master of something better than complements , to testifie my acknowledgment to you , but they are at least valuable upon this score , that they are hearty and sincere ; and i beg you to believe , that i would not publish to all the world that i am the greatest admirer of mons. de guiche , and the most zealous of his servants , if i were not really so . scarron . let. li. to the marquess de villarceaux . sir , i am extremely oblig'd to you for refreshing me , when i walked this morning , with the agreeable vision of the two angels of your own making . 't is certain you had an excellent model by you when you made them , and that you must know something more of those happy beings than the rest of mankind . accident and chance never use to produce any thing so perfect as they are , especially in things of this nature , where a man must run it off hand in spite of his teeth , and where he must finish all at a stroke , or else give over . my friend roisleau said very pleasantly upon this occasion , that you ought to do nothing else but get children . to return now to yours , i confess they are admirable , and as every thing has its value , the greatest is , in my opinion the eldest of the two ; whether it be because he is more advanc'd than his brother , who likewise will have his admirers stand up for him in his turn : or because my inclination leads me that way and fixes me there , for which i can assign no reason . in short , both of them are very worthy of their father , and since you would have me tell you by their physiognomy what their fortunes are like to prove ; they will commit a world of ravages upon people of both sexes . it will not be long before the eldest will begin to push on his conquests , and perhaps will make an attempt upon some of yours● may heaven in mercy avert such a misfortune from your family , which may sow division between two brothers , and make father and son two irreconcileable rivals . there hapned to be in my room when they came thither , three or four gentlemen of very good judgment and sense , who agreed , that both of them were excellent , but were of my opinion , that the elder was the better of the two , and have given me their votes for him . in truth , i believe that one may justly say of him , his shape is divine , and so is his face , so in ●hort is all about him : and if his soul with his body keeps pace , what mortal alive can rout him ? let. lii . to — . i am infinitely oblig'd to you for your civility , and for offering to do me good offices with the queen . ever since i have been in disgrace , i never durst write to her majesty , to complain of my ill fortune , and make my innocence appear . the vexation it gave me , did not allow me the least intermission , till such time as you gave me to understand , that her majesty● had ask'd for some of my plays ; which makes me flatter my self that she still remembers such a wretch as i was once in the world. during the troubles of the regency , my unfortunate reputation made every thing that was printed at paris , whether good or bad , to pass under my name . this abuse still continues , notwithstanding all the pains i have taken to undeceive the world. some insolent libels against his eminence were father'd upon me , and the reason perhaps was , because another gentleman of the purple , who was of the contrary faction to his eminence , was pleased to honour me with his friendship , tho' i was both known and loved by him from my youth , long before his reputation began to sink at court. but suppose i had been so ungrateful , and so thoughtless , as to be wanting in my respect to her majesty and his eminance● may not a sincere repentance hope to find that from them , which it expects from heaven ? i am not so vain to ask to be admitted again into her majesty's good graces , which the unhappiness of the time , rather than any crime of my own , made me lose . i wou'd only beseech her to drop her indignation against an unhappy wretch , who has not long to live . this wou'd be worthy of the generosity of her soul , and if this great happiness should arrive to me , through your mediation and good offices , i shou'd be more obliged to you than any man living . i am , sir , your most humble , &c. scarron . to that pair of worthy gentlemen , and my dearly beloved friends , menage , and sarrazin , or sarrazin , and menage . gentlemen and dear friends , to dedicate the same book to two persons , is to kill two birds with one stone . i cannot tell whether i have any pretence to go upon this proverb , being a cripple in my hands and feet , and perhaps this is introducing a novelty in dedications , which my brother poets will never forgive me . but for my part , i never stood upon writing correctly in my life . 't is true , i might very well have saved my self the trouble of this preliminary epistle , having trepass'd in this kind too much already , and having business enough upon my hands , if i have constancy enough to finish my virgil tr●●estied . the book i dedicate to you , contains a thousand verses , so there is just five hundred a piece for each of you . i must confess you deserve ten times more , for which reason i design'd to have tacked a small romance to them , which i began some time ago , by the same token that it promised fine things at its first setting out . but by some cursed misfortune , or my own fault , i cou'd not for the heart of me hinder my poor hero from being sentenc'd to be hang'd : and this hanging came in so naturally , so prettily , and all that , that i could not change it into any other adventure , without spoiling the conclusion of my romance , and sinning against the light of my own conscience . the duce on 't , instead of expatiating upon your praises , after the laudable custom of most dedications , i have rambled so far from my subject , that i don't know how i shall be able to find my way home again . but not too much of the duce on 't neither . better late than never ; and besides , 't is in my power to make my epistle as long or as short as i please . stand fair then , gentlemen , i am going to — commend you as hard as i can drive . but oh my cruel destinies ! where shall i begin ? or indeed where shall i not begin ; for as when phillis to a garden goes to pluck a lily or a rose in order to regale her nose : the great variety she meets distracts her in her choice of sweets . ev'n so your praises come so quick , and crowd and justle in so thick , that , may i be for ever curst if i know which to mention first . well , i never was so damnably puzzled in all my life , that 's certain . you are the two finest gentlemen of the long robe and short cloak ; you are as much masters of the foreign language as the natives themselves . you know all the elegancies of your own to perfection . you are not to be matched either in verse or prose ; in short , you are more quick-sighted than all the criticks in the universe put together . one of you has an admirable hand at dancing , singing , and playing upon instruments , and tickles a lyre with a fist so divine , that all he●●ers combine his skill to admire . as for shooting , vaulting , jumping through a hoop , wrestling , &c. i will say nothing , though i wou'd not for a thousand pounds take my corporal oath that you know nothing of those matters . but as for conversation , all the world must truckle to you : people point at you as you walk in the streets . you are well humour'd and well made , and gracious , and courteous , and jovial , and liberal ; nay , you are valiant , and amorous , if it were put home to you , although your professions excuse you from the former ; and as for the second , i make no question but that in your youthful days , when your pulses beat high , and call'd you to toy , you were not so stupid as to quarrel with cupid . in short , you are truly virtuous , and that 〈◊〉〈◊〉 eminent a degree , that when any one has a mind to be thought so , he cries , i am just come from menage , i am going to see sarrazin . menage and sarrazin just now parted with me . and even i , who talk to you , when either of you , or both together come to see me , cannot forbear to acquaint all the world with it ; nay , sometimes i tell it the same man twice or thrice , which i must own to you , shews a great deal of vanity on my side . but don't i make you blush ? for i know you are as modest as the morning , you are gentlemen that will easily blush , and i love and respect you exceedingly for it . come , come , don't disquiet your selves , i will bring no scarlet into your faces . in short , i will persecute you no longer . altho a theme so fruitful do's inspire the dullest beast with gen'rous f●re : vndone by plenty , lost in store , i know not when i should give o'er . the next book i do my self the honour to dedicate to you , ( for if i am long above ground i shall trouble you with another dedication ) i hope you 'll own my stile is much alter'd for the better , by reading some of our modern epistle-mongers , whom i dare not name , for fear of plucking an old house upon my head. so good night to you gentlemen . i am with all my soul , my dear friends , your most humble , &c. scarron . to monsieur morreau , one of the king 's most honourable privy-council . sir , the reason why i presume to dedicate this book to you , is because you advised me to publish it ; and the reason likewise why i enlarge upon your praises , is , because epistles dedicatory are only calculated for the meridian of panegyrick . among your other excellent qualities that recommend you to the world , nothing belongs in a more peculiar manner to you , than your happy judgment in the choice of your friends . none can boast that honourable title , but men of worth and honour ; and to acquire such a character , 't is enough for a man to be often seen in your company , or to be able to prove by witnesses or otherwise , that he is honour'd with your friendship . i have not so little a regard to my reputation , but that i am very proud to take this opportunity to let the world know that you are pleas'd to love me . but that i may not be censured for commending my self too much , i am content that the world should likewise know , that i am only one of your friends , by way of courtesie , ( if i may be allow'd so to express my self ) who is inferiour to all the rest in merit , but not in the esteem and respect he will eternally preserve for you , who is , your most humble , &c. scarron . to that most courteous and complaisant quadrupede , the lady guillemette , my sister 's little greyhound bitch . my lady guillemette , i am an author , god help me , if a man may be said to deserve that title , whose name has appear'd more than once in a term-catalogue , and at the fag-end of a gazette , among stray'd horses , and now and then , dear madam , among some of your ladyship 's stray'd relations . 't is true , i came very cheap by this title , and am sensible that the little i have laid out upon it gives me in justice no higher a rank than that of a verse-wright , or a turner of burlesque-rhimes . having made this modest acknowledgement , i am confident that you will never lay the sin of vanity to my charge , and that you 'll hardly imagine ( if the proverb , which says , no man is a prophet in his own country , holds good in you dogs ) that a man whom you see every day in paris , where he was born , whose head always hangs on one side , and who never budges out of his chair ; in fine , one that was cast in a different mold from the rest of mankind , has courage enough to set up for a modern author . by apollo , guillemette , nothing can be more true ; and by the same apollo i swear to you , without any equivocation or reserve , that i have no wicked design upon the bays . for my part , i am so far from setting up for a wit , that i freely and frankly give the world leave to call my works rhapsodicks , or taylor 's cushions , or what they please ; because , to my great comfort , abundance of modern plays , and other productions of our second-rate wits , deserve no better a name ; which i value little more than i do a last year's almanack , wherein we may see , as well as in those plays , the death of some great man , a statesman discarded , phillis hanged in her garters , and such like noble catastrophes of the theatre . now these noble productions wou'd from their very infancy be employ'd to wrap up butter and tobacco , to line trunks and bandboxes , or make paper kites , if no country-chapmen came to paris ; or if they did not , make a shift to go off under the protection of some admirable plays , and some diverting romances , that enrich their authors , and so often raise a civil war among our booksellers . when we set no great value upon a thing , we use to say , that 't is scarce good enough to be thrown to the dogs . as your merit and beauty secure you from the scandal of this proverb , which was never intended for dogs of your eminent quality , so i only cited it to convince the world , what an humble opinion i have of my own compositions ; and altho' , madam , you are neither better nor worse than a brute , yet i rather chose to dedicate them to your ladyship , than to any of our topping noblemen , whom i should certainly disoblige by such a presumption . for i must tell you , guillemette , that an author with a book in his hand , is more formidable to one of these worthy peers ; and the very sight of him terrifies them as much , as a whole covy of creditors at their leveè : not but that we have some generous lords still left us , heaven be prais'd for 't ; but most of our modern authors are such idolaters of money , that they wou'd much sooner dedicate their works to a man , from whom they expect a round sum of guineas , tho' they don't care if he were hang'd the hour after , than one whom they love and esteem . these fordid imitators of virgil and horace , that adore a lord meerly for his title make no scruple to dub him a maecenas at first dash , and ascribe to him vertues he was never master of , and all to wheedle him out of a little money , if he has any one wou'd almost swear , that these prodigal sons of apollo had a wicked design to squander away the whole growth of helicon in one dedication : they bestow immortality upon the highest bidder , and will furbish ye up a demi god at a minute's warning , for a suit of cloaths and a long periwig . in short , these m●rc●nary scriblers plunder the illustrious dead of former ages , to trick up some living scoundril of quality with their merit ; which execrable flattery men of sense despise , as they ought to do the grossest affront . 't is some consolation to the few righteous and honest friends of the muses , that these fawning slaves are often bilk'd in their expectations , and that people have more guts in their brains than to part with their money for a few nauseous complements . even our noblemen have found out the trick to give them nothing , and yet give them no occasion to complain of them . some will cry to them , the god of verse protect and bless you in all your vndertakings . another will treat them with as much ceremony as they wou'd a foreign ambassador , and wait upon them down to the very street ; that is to say , see them fairly out of their house . some again pay them in the currant coin of 〈◊〉 giving them incense back again for incense , and flattery for flattery ; but the devil of a lord of 'em all will invite them to dinner , and this is enough to make a poor author hang himself in his garret . for this hungry wre●ch , that flatter'd himself in the morning , that he should cram his belly with my lord's kickshaws and ragoo's , or thought to treat himself most nicely at an eating-house , at the expence of his magnificent patron , is forc'd to return home to his quarters poorer than he went out , with being at the charge of binding his dedication , book in vellom or turkey-leather . then he exclaims , as hard as he can drive , at the horrid ingratitude of the age , or at the starving planet he was born under , according as he his more of the poet or orator in him . i forgot to tell you , right worshipful guillemette , that our authors , are sometimes pay'd by way of exchange , in the very same commodity they brought with them , and receive no other reward for all the fine complements they pass upon their patron , than an epistle for an epistle , or a sonnet for a sonnet : our persons of quality pretend they learnt this piece of conduct of the emperor augustus ; but this is a trick that is not to be play'd twice with people , who are so sharp as our authors generally are . i have therefore presum'd to dedicate my book to your ladyship for the above-mention'd reasons , or perhaps for others that i have no mind to let you know . i already fancy with my self , that i see you grawing the strings of my book , ●umbling it about , and tearing it in a thousand frolicksome postures , which please me infinitely more , than the cold reception of a supercilious lord , that won't so much as thank me for the present i make him , because he thinks i have the impudence to expect another from him . accursed be that poet , say i , tho' he was never so much a master of his profession , who first prostituted the productions of his brain to this infamous 〈◊〉 and baited his dedications with flattery , to make the court-●udgeons swallow them the easier ! ever since our authors have set up the noble trade of begging in prose and verse , an epistle dedicatory has been looked upon to be a sort of a challenge ; and if maecenas is not able to put by the thrust , he reckons the man that brings it to be no better than a pick-pocket , of highway-man , that bids him deliver . tho' an author presents his trash to his patron with a smiling countenance , yet the other looks as musty as a breaking merchant when a thundring bill is drawn upon him ; nay , some of them have been observ'd to look as pale as a ghost , at the very sight of a book that promis'd them nothing less than immortality . well , those wicked dedicators of books are most impudent raskals , to haunt those noble lords , even in their chambers , and put them in bodily fear , as they do . they should consider , that these cringing epistles , which ask where nothing i● due , are really as much to be dreaded as an execution upon coach and six : so that for my part , i don't at all wonder if 't is not so much pleasure to see his genealogy derived in a direct line from hector or sarpedon , as 't is a mortification to him to part with his guineas , to buy the author a new drugget-suit . however , i must needs own , that 't is wisely done of our authors , not to walk the streets in all those trappings , wherein we find them at the frontispiece of their books . for tell me , dear guillemette , wou'd not your ladyship fall a barking most inordinately , shou'd you see a man with one shoulder bare , and t'other wrapt up in humble drugget , and a crown of lawrel upon his head. yet 't is neither the fear of dogs , nor the hollowing of children that makes them decline this equipage , for they are only afraid of the surly fellow at the nobleman's gate . did they not take this course , the porter wou'd know them , who hates such as break in upon his own trade , and beg as he does , especially at this time of day , when one wou'd think our authors had bound themselves by an oath , never to set foot within an house that does not belong to a man of quality . there is nothing else hardly to be seen in the palaces of our great men , but a showl of half-starv'd creditors in one corner of the hall , and half a dozen mendicant rhimers in the other ; so that considering how the affairs goat present , i am afraid that we shall shortly see as many of them in our hospitals , unless the times mend , as wou'd be sufficient to set up a compleat academy : for alas ! the world is not so favourable to them as it has been formerly . i have known the time when there was not a p●●t in the whole kingdom , that did not hope to make his fortune by the muses , as well as the abb● des portes , and bois-robert , and several more of the poetical fraternity had done before him , who were advanc'd to bishopricks and abbeys , and the lord knows what , for their fine writings . with a pension of six hundred li●res a year they made a shift to wear good cloaths on their ●●cks , and powder themselves as extravagantly as the nicest 〈◊〉 of them all ; for which , dear guillemette , i must highly commend them , for their fancy was so warm and all that , that it made their heads sweat most excessively . some of them had silver spurs , and some kept a pad nag , with all its accoutr●ments , to keep the dirt from their boots . but at this present writing , both the ●uskin and the gambadoes are alike dirty , and some of our poets have abdicated parnassus for good and all , while others have fallen in with the players and booksellers . whether it be , that necessity is the mother of invention , or , that invention is an essential part of a poet , some of our high flown writers were for making friends in the treasury , and applied themselves to those worthy gentlemen , that part with their money as easily as they get it . i make no question but that these poetical merchants were so profuse , as to bestow all manner of vertues , nay even the military ones too , when their hands were in , on these liberal publicans , and at least derived their pedigree from him that was privy-purse to clodion the hairy ; or , because he was a pagan by religion , from the nephew of king clovis's first almoner . but these politicks , as i have been inform'd , only succeeded with those , whose works had been always received with universal applause , while other poor rogues , that were such fools as to imitate them , only got a good dinner among these sons of mammon , for their pains , and perhaps a surfeit afterwards for eating too greedily . there needs no more wit than what your ladyship is mistress of , i mean than what belongs to a dog , to tell me that i have practis'd what i condemn in others . 't is true indeed , dear guillemette , that i made bold to dedicate a play to a person of great merit and quality ; but 't is as true , that i had the honour to be acquainted long before that with mons. le baillif de souvray , and always respected him , both because he deserves it , and because he is my particular friend . 't is my misfortune that i am one of those unlucky men who are easily forgotten . when they are not seen . and if our most incomparable queen is still pleas'd to continue me the pension , which the mare●chal de schomberg's lady procur'd for me , 't is not because i have now and then been so happy as to divert her with my poetry ; but because i am the most miserable wretch alive , and afflicted with a cruel distemper , which will not terminate but with my life , no more than a confounded law-suit , on which my little all depends . this of itself is sufficient , without being possess'd with the devil of love , to hinder a man from sleeping , unless he took his hat full of opium before he went to bed. but 't is impossible for my good humour to maintain its ground much longer against these melancholy thoughts , that drop so unseasonably from my pen , and now begin to seize me . thus , dear guillemette , being weary of sitting with you so long , i must e'en conclude my dedication abruptly , without puzzling my brains to present you with some notable complement at parting , and remain in the common form , dear bitch , your four-leg'd ladyship's , &c. scarron . finis . notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a -e * an vnder-sheriff . * bed-side . * place to take the 〈…〉 coach , as hide-park . * at the ring in hide-park . * at much as to say the theatre-royal in london : * the french has it thirty hundred weight , but i fancy thirty 〈◊〉 sufficient to describe a woman menstrously fat. * caps which country men use , that button about their necke . notes for div a -e * the marriage of lewis xiv . of france , and anne of austria . * the place of execution at paris . wit for money, or, poet stutter a dialogue between smith, johnson, and poet stutter : containing reflections on some late plays and particularly, on love for money, or, the boarding school. this text is an enriched version of the tcp digital transcription a of text r in the english short title catalog (wing w a). textual changes and metadata enrichments aim at making the text more computationally tractable, easier to read, and suitable for network-based collaborative curation by amateur and professional end users from many walks of life. the text has been tokenized and linguistically annotated with morphadorner. the annotation includes standard spellings that support the display of a text in a standardized format that preserves archaic forms ('loveth', 'seekest'). textual changes aim at restoring the text the author or stationer meant to publish.this text has not been fully proofread approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. earlyprint project evanston,il, notre dame, in, st. louis, mo a wing w a estc r ocm

this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission.

early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : , : or : ) wit for money, or, poet stutter a dialogue between smith, johnson, and poet stutter : containing reflections on some late plays and particularly, on love for money, or, the boarding school. brown, thomas, - . fidge, george. [ ], p. printed for s. burgis, london : l . attributed by dnb to thomas brown, and by wing to thomas d'urfey and george fidge. dedication signed: critick catcall. items at reels : (wing d , cancelled in wing nd ed.), and : (wing cd-rom w a) are reproductions of the huntington library copy, and contain ms. notes on t.p. and t.p. verso, and ms. addition "t.(hos) d.(urfey)" to dedication, which reads, "to mr. t.d." the item at reel : as wing f (number cancelled in wing nd ed.), is reproduced from british library copy. reproduction of originals in the huntington library and the british library. eng d'urfey, thomas, - . -- love for money, or, the boarding school. d'urfey, thomas, - -- criticism and interpretation. shcnowit for money, or poet stutteranon. . b the rate of . defects per , words puts this text in the b category of texts with fewer than defects per , words. - tcp assigned for keying and markup - spi global keyed and coded from proquest page images - rachel losh sampled and proofread - rachel losh text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion

wit for money : or , poet stutter . a dialogue between smith , johnson , and poet stutter .

containing reflections on some late plays ; and particularly , on love for money , or , the boarding-school .

— good satyr's no abuse — mr. durfey — epil . to love for money . wit — is now us'd like a common slave , both by those that have none , as well as those that have . tho. durfey , gent. epil . to trick for trick .

london : printed for s. burgis . .

to mr. t ho s . d urfey . sir critick catcall sends greeting .

yov have shown your self so penitent after the poetical correction you received from me , that to retaliate ( tho late ) the honour you did me in chusing me for your patron , i return you epistle for epistle , and make you the patron of the following dialogue : it reflects on a certain namesake and country man of yours , and some plays of his lately launch'd out ; but that 's all one , since it may turn to as good an account to you as some of yours ; and your own practise of sacrificing your friends , to your own , and the town 's jests , justifies it .

indeed , i must confess , 't is a sad age we live in , since the applause of the town , from exalted box , to more exalted upper gallery , the routing the jacobites , stilling the criticks , and drowning their hisses , by the loud repeated claps of the lusty fisted champions of your party , able to have drown'd those of thunder it self , and all the kitts and fiddles of your antagonists of the nimble craft ; i say , 't is a sad age seriously , since all this cannot secure a man from censure , or a play from being taken to pieces , which altogether made so pretty a figure : 't is as uncharitable as the exposing the false hair , teeth , calves , eyes , and eye-brows , &c. of our antiquated beaux and ladies .

such is the malice of some prying envious persons , not having the fear of satyrists before their eyes , that they most feloniously , barbarously , and wickedly , like rival women , search for , nay , make and find faults in others , as industriously as they seek to hide their own but what shall i say to it ? alas ! 't is the general custom of you authors , ( the more 's the pity ) like mastives you bark at , claw and worry one another , whilst others cry hollow , and heartily laugh at you for your pains . other societies protect and shoulder one another , but you , like so many game cocks turn'd loose together , fall foul of the next you meet : or to speak more poetically , like cadmus's soldiers , cut and slash your fellows without mercy . is there no means to stop this fury ? from the cobler that mends your shooes , to the rich goldsmith that keeps your 〈◊〉 , there are halls for their corporations in london ; 't is pitty yours in beotia is not removed a little nearer , or that your master apollo doth not send from parnassus some deputy to govern you here , that being once united , as much as you are divided , the trade ( for by your leave , 't is now a trade as much as those i nam'd ) may flourish , and the proverb be a lyar , which bars poets from becoming aldermen . this would be very necessary at present that the indisposition of the laureat is like to spill as much blood as ink among you ; for from the modern play-writers , to the high toppers of the profession , i expect to find you all at daggers drawing ; should he be so civil to you to leave us in haste ( i hope he will not ) to make a visit to his brothers terence , and ben johnson , in the elizian fields .

the author of this mushroom hopes all this will attone for his presumption ; he desired me to recommend it to you to have it made into a play , and hopes you may prove as prevailing a patron , as your party was to get yours a name , and a third day , and hinder it from sinking under the weight of those who did not like it : some of whom were something sawcy , and us'd these words out of a play of a certain poet , who before the poll acts , used to write himself t. d. gentleman : that , should we not sometimes dive into the secrets of wit , and reprove mistakes , these rascally poets would grow insolent ; we should be perpetually tormented with lampoons . it was hard in them to reverse the saying upon its author , tho amongst authors , 't is no more than the reflections of lawyers against one another at the bar. it helps to make you famous , and i am much mistaken , if some of you would not be as thankful for a severe criticism in print , as for a copy of verses in praise of your works .

had my author attach'd your friend in his worst plays , he could have had a cheaper victory , and the other a greater overthrow ; but he has done as those generals who slight little weak towns to set down before the capital city ; which may please the party concern'd , as much as it would the governour of the town to see it attack'd on the strongest side . i need not then apologize to any of the fraternity for my friends observations on that score , but rather to the town , for telling them 't is dark at midnight , that crack'd skulls are not found , and that some writers vpper-rooms are unfurnish'd . this undigested product of a few spare hours , is as needless to some criticks , as a treatise of the bulk of the book of martyrs , to prove that maevius was a bad poet , or a lecture of war to a great commander . but tho they do not want to inform their iudgments , they may something to make chem merry , when they have as little to do as my friend when he writ it ; had he been master of leisure enough to have revised it , it would have appeared in a better dress , and have had less roughness in the style , and perhaps more in the satyr . the smoothness of your pen may redress the first , and if you think he has been too mild in the other , which i must confess was at my request , let me know it , and you will have no cause to complain to my knowledge , this being at the best but a rough-draught or the sketch of his poet. i think there is enough drawn to discover who sat for it , and tho the finishing strokes being wanting , it may well be said that the picture is somewhat unlike ; i dare say 't is after the way of our modern painters , and of you freeholders of parnassus , in the panegyricks of your patrons , and consequently not for the worse , my friend having us'd yours more kindly than your abdicated brother bays hath been , and made him speak a language he hath no cause to be asham'd of , tho perhaps he himself may .

i hope the name of stutter will no more offend than that of weesilion , poet belly , lady stroddle , coopee , &c. which bear your stamp , but if you think that of balladwright or maggot properer , you may new nick-name that worthy person , my friend not designing it as a mock upon any infirmity of speech ( a thing to be pitied ) but as a distinguishing mark of his hero , who stutters more in sence yet than in elocution .

the plot he leaves to you , who have such a collection of yours and other mens in your head , your invention seldom coming so short of your imagination , but that the supply of a good memory makes you amends : he knows you can as little want the addition of songs and dances to adorn it , as a scholar newly returned from the vniversity , his tropes and figures , or a girl just ween'd from the boarding-school her mennet or rigodoon .

here i should inlarge upon your merits , your indefatigable writing , in spight of all discouragements , the substance of your wit , the ingenuity of your conversation , your generosity in the profuse and continual distribution of your songs , the mildness of your satyrs , the solidity of your burlesque , the niceness of your politicks , your care in obliging both parties with your poems : but above all , the fluidity of your style , and your laborious industry in tacking together pieces and remnants of plots and humours , and making them your own for the diversion of those who had never seen them , in the state of their first creation . but all this were fitter from your own pen , and i hope you will not be so far wanting to your self , as not to oblige us with it one day , since no other pen yet ever dared undertake it ; tho i must confess , such salutes amongst authors , are as unnecessary as between men of war at sea , 't is but wasting powder which may be put to a more profitable use , therefore they may better be reserv'd for the future epistle to the patron of this embryo ; and who knows ( between you and i ) but it may hook in guinea's , if you cull your man right .

and now i think it high time to take my leave , for perceive my epistle is swell'd to a bulk , and it only belongs to such as can wire-draw them to the purpose , to hold us at the door as long as they please , for in an unknown scribbler 't is as unmannerly as a chamber-maids chat , when you are impatient to be admitted into her mistresses bed-chamber . for my part , i generally pass them over as some do greek when they don't understand it , with a transeat graecum est , they being as little to the purpose as the prologues to some of our plays ; but lest i be task'd with the fault of those , who with multiplicity of words blame others overtalk , i have done , and according to the form of letters , rest

your most humble and obliged servant , critick catcall .

wit for money : or , poet stutter . a dialogue . smith , johnson , and poet stutter . smith .

prithee , frank , give me leave to retire , i have a mind to read this afternoon .

johnson .

indeed , jack , you shall read men then — i wanted company and came to look for you , or any honest fellow , to spend it comfortably .

smith .

a good design , but hard to be compass'd , my friend , this season , when the best part of both sexes having taken the field , a man of sense , or a woman of fashion , are as hard to be met here , as a souldier in time of action , or a country attorney out of term time .

johnson .

but yet i hope the spring hath not swept the town so clean of good company , but the gleanings may serve you and i that are sharp set .

smith .

faith , that 's to be doubted of , except like platonicks , the pleasures of the mind make the whole feast ; for at this present hour i cannot tell what may make up the regalio — therefore i must center my happiness in my closet .

johnson .

what think you of a bottle — for i'm resolv'd not to part with you .

smith .

as i think of company , that which is good is hard to be met with , for i had rather sit with half a score shop-keepers smoaking and talking of trade ; or as many country petty foggers putting of cases , than be condemn'd to drink my bottle of most of the stum'd mixtures which your blue-apron'd retailers sell us so dear — besides two as they say's no company .

johnson .

let 's to the coffee-house then , we may meet a third man , or hear the news .

smith .

that is to say , lyes in abundance ; be plagu'd with the foolish reflections and inferences , which grave block-heads make about this or that ; hear them take a town , or relieve it in their cockle-brains ; or descant two hours upon the wagers , have been won or lost lately about mons : or what 's worse , by herding among them , be taken for one of our ( wou'd be ) politicians ; that medley of folly , laziness and knavery , who are continually in a ferment .

johnson .

ay , those whose pregnant heads seem like the mountains , so very big of great notions , when after the pangs they and their foolish hearers labour under , a poor silly mouse is the delivery .

smith .

no , i had rather sit out a whole long dull tragedy , or a second part of the three dukes of dunstable .

johnson .

and that were a torment not to be endured — but now you talk of plays , what thing you of going there now ?

smith .

they do not act to day ; besides if they did , 't is odds but 't is some silly new one doom'd to death , like a monstrous birth , as soon as it hath seen the light , and which , tho shoulder'd and propt up by a powerful party , to get the author a third day , must fall of it self after , to live in the booksellers shop , at the mercy of the worms , for want of other criticks , to gnaw it

johnson .

i wonder those fooleries dare appear in print .

smith .

oh sir ! as long as scribblers can find booksellers to buy them , and they fools to read 'em , they need not care , what the wiser part will say , they are case-harden'd , and you need not expect them to leave writing , till they leave dull flattery , whores their jilting , lawyers refuse bribes , or the house to act their plays , as i believe they will for the future , lest all others , tho good , fall into disrepute ; and the house be as empty at a new good play in winter , as it is at a bad one in the long vacation .

johnson .

but there are good old plays , which like stock-horses , must bear the dead weight and charge of the others .

smith .

ay , and there is need they shou'd ; but the town of late , have like true libertines , shunn'd faces and plays once seen , whether good or bad , and serv'd them all alike ; but there 's hopes they 'll recant , and after their roving fit , they may be more constant ; for to be tir'd with change , is the first step towards the settling our affections ; and since when we have been but one week in the country , we find so much the want of the play-house , that the very strowlers are then welcome to us . i dare say , the town can no more be without plays , than a brisk young widdow without a husband or a gallant .

johnson .

let 's go to the booksellers , and see what new books are sprung up since last night .

smith .

with all my heart : but methinks thou mak'st mushrooms of them : if some reverend author , or waspish satyrist heard thee , thou wou'd be in danger of a lash in his next weeks pamphlet .

johnson .

authors and satyrists do you call them ? scribblers , libellers , and lampooners , are more suitable epithets for many of them ; and for my part , i oftner take up their papers to pick out their nonsense , and laugh at it , than to find any thing worthy observation .

smith .

oh , i have found out another use for them ; formerly i cou'd not sleep , tho i desired it ; but having bought a book call'd the moralist , i began to read it one night , having no other by my bed side , when even opium cou'd not purchase me sleep , and before i had read two pages , i slept so fast , that i found the next morning my candle in the socket , and the book in the chamber-pot .

johnson .

and a very fit place for it , and all such dull , insipid , heavy , unweildy sustain .

smith .

i am not of your mind , when it may save a man half a-crown in opium . i want to buy another .

johnson .

you need not have that again , 't is but getting the weesil trap'd , the triannal mayor , collin's walk , butlers ghost ; ( and a very ghost indeed it is ) alias : the fourth part of hudibras , and half a score plays , by the same hand , cum multis aliis , of others , and they will have the same effect to a miracle ; experto crede roberto .

smith .

why , how came you to remember what all the world hath forgot ? —

johnson .

but the booksellers you shou'd have added — for i believe there is not ten men in the nation , besides the author , bookseller , printer and corrector , e're read them through . to tell you the truth , as mr. dryden sacrifices a bussy d' ambois to the memory of ben johnson , i sacrifice one of these yearly to the memory of shakespear , butler , and oldham ; but this is a booksellers — go in —

smith .

where is the last momus ridens ?

johnson .

here it is — the author hath left off , and when the bookseller is as weary of printing , as the town of buying a penny lampoon , 't is high time for the author , after the recruit of a third day , to leave you , without taking leave , and like the fox , to cry the grapes are sowre , when his pegasus a tip toes , cannot reach at the sweet copy money .

smith . reads .

we want but an vnion to make them all fools , and bid the starv'd armies to baise nos culs . like the kings of brentford , the author makes his momus speak french , but with this difference , that it does not much shew his breeding .

johnson .

oh! yes , 't is very pretty : why , to bid the french kiss his a — se must needs be very taking . for fear they should forget it , he hath bid them do it three or four times — but is not this very pretty , speaking of the french king — his wars have already exhausted such charge , their gentry for dinner scarce get a brown george .

smith .

as for their gentry doubtless some of them are poor enough ; but as for exhausted such charge , i cannot tell how to make sence of it .

johnson .

nor he , nor any man i 'm sure ; do you think he minds grammar ? he forgot it , or ne're learnt it at school . and as for exhausted such charge , he has been at such a charge of wit , that his stock is exhausted ; and that 's the reason he has left off — and let 's leave him off too —

smith .

prithee who 's the author of it ?

johnson .

poet stutter .

smith .

then i don't wonder 't is such — why , he can't write —

johnson .

what do you mean ? he was prentice to a scriviner .

smith .

i mean , he can't write sence .

johnson .

therefore he 's the fitter to write such things ; they only seem calculated for the meridian of the city coffee-houses , where sense is as great a stranger as amongst the true bred teagues , or the bethlemitish collegians ; who yet sometimes will drop you a witticism by chance . one while he rails at the priests , another at the french , laughs at the irish ; and in the whole , banters all , and the work 's done . they are all alike , from the first to the last ; i wou'd confine him to scotch songs , i mean such of them as our gay people of both sexes call scotch , tho' they want as much the dialect , as the sense of some of that country .

smith .

prithee why ?

johnson .

because , as i said , he much wanting sense , is the fitter to write them , it being an essential part of them to have none ; and the more , since his faculty of singing renders him the more capable to fit a horse to a saddle ; that is , words to a tune .

smith .

oh , yes , he 's not a little proud of that : i believe that in the elizian fields , he 'll hardly give the wall to horace , or any of the lyrick poets . he contradicts his notion of musicians , and gives his noted omnibus hoc vitium the lye , tho no man verifies it more than himself . indeed , he is a tolerable eccho , his only quality is a voice .

johnson .

that made a modern wit say of him , in a late preface , that a man of sense wou'd not do penance in his company , without the amends of his singing .

smith .

i have read it — but what 's here , the very book you spoke of — the moralist ?

johnson .

i 'll buy it — i see 't is a continuation of the weesils , tho the author hath left the style of reynard the fox ; to whose humour , and the malice and dangerous notions of his first libel , he ought , i think , to attribute its reception with some people , as much as his under-brothers of the scribbling herd , the sale of their parabolizing bears , puppies and magpies .

enter poet stutter . stutter .

gentlemen , your most humble servant .

johnson .

oh! your servant , mr. stutter , i was just a going to buy a piece of poetry here , 't is the moralist , is it worth reading ?

smith .

as much as any thing you have seen since sir william davenant's rational sceptick , it overthrows all the doctor 's vindications , and levels all the parson's arguments ; the hind and panther talk'd like parrots to this . let me see — there are more notions than the case does need . 't is true , much more than any one will read ; vnless he 'll sit six hours to doze and pore , and be as wise just as he was before : for , in opinion almost all the nation agree , it ne'er was writ for confutation ; but , for the profit , as the sale begins , to make your court —

johnson .

ay , ay , let me tell you this passage falls very heavy upon some body that shall be nameless — aside — his very self — to him again — 't is the very quintessence of hobbs and seneca , and beyond waller for smoothness . no scrutinous casuist ever solv'd a knotty point more clearly , nor wheadling town jilt use more flowing words to her amorous cully .

stutter .

ay , considering the subject , i think 't is well enough : the now-laureat never writ such a thing in his life .

johnson .

no , i dare swear he never did — aside — nor any one that hath a grain of wit. the dull coxcomb swallows flattery by whole-sale , faster than a half starv'd fleet-street plyer do's sack and bisket . — prithee dear poetry who writ it ? —

stutter .

an honest moralist , i faith , that shall be nameless ; you or i , for ought i know .

johnson .

then you pretend to morality ; but how do's it agree with it , to come on a man that hath a thousand aggressors already , and never meddled with you ; and what is more , is guilty of no other fault than you , that is , to have altered his principle — morality teaches us to use others , as we would be us'd our selves : what now if some one or other should stick to your skirts and expose you as much ?

stutter .

i fear it little , my emblem is the thistle , nemo me impune lacesset , 't would do me and my books a kindness , and like the sun after an eclipse , i should appear the more glorious .

johnson .

a very pretty simile , and much to the purpose , for phoebus the god of poetry , is the sun.

smith .

ay — but there is this difference , that the sun has houses , but our little phoebus here has not one . but my friend , how came you to write the weesil trap'd after the weesils ? and if i am not mistaken , the tryennial mayor , as well as the moralist . methinks their principles differ as much as a lay-elder and a lawn sleeve , or poet stutter in the two last reigns , and poet stutter in this .

stutter .

oh! you wrong me , i never chang'd my religion .

smith .

that may well be , because perhaps you never had any ; but for your principles , i am sure you have alter'd them more in two years , than the taylors have the fashions since the restauration — but that 's no newer thing to some of your profession , than to a true courtier in times of change —

johnson .

prithee don't be too severe , but remember all trades must live . why should not a writer sell to both parties his wit for money , as well as a vintner his claret , or a town woman her favours ? what if a man will exalt a weesil , and trap him afterwards , rail at the clergy in one place , and commend them in another , side with the grumblers in one thing , then lash them in the next , write trimming songs and panegyricks on the city magistrates in this reign , and wish them shamm'd , kick'd and damn'd , in the last : blame doctors for writing pro and con , yet do it one week after another . it doth not signify a farthing ( from whence it comes , ) 't is like musick , the different and thwarting parts set one another off . do you think rats and weesils , moralizing atheists , dull panegyricks , worse than lampoons and lampoons , more glorious to those they are meant to , than panegyricks by those hands ? songs , ballads , drolls and farces , signify a pin on either side ? no , to mind those things , is the business of those that have none ; and tho the authors of those mighty trifles strut it like turky-cocks , and think themselves wrong'd for want of a lawrel to rear their blockheads , dignify their nonsense , and hide their ignorance ; the wiser part let them go on , and write on still as the worst of punishments , and the best of rewards , for their teeming noddles , while like aesop's fly on the camels head , they think themselves men of mighty weight , as if they were the primum mobile of state affairs , and every revolution the influence of their verse , tho , like town jilts , 't is money they respect , and every party may be served alike , and laught at in their hearts ; this i mean of our ambidexters only .

stutter .

pray mr. — a — spare your self the pains to be my advocate ; on my word , tho you plead briskly , you will not deserve a fee at my hands ; do but hear my lord roscommon , he mitigates the matter much more . i pity , from my soul , unhappy men , compell'd by need to prostitute their pen ; who , lawyer like , must either starve or plead , and follow right or wrong , where guinea's lead . but because you are men of honour and sense , i shall not think an hour ill bestow'd to argue the matter a little farther with you ; this place is too publick , nor has it been without some sweat i have heard you and refrain'd my self : if you please , we will adjourn to the tavern , and with a sober bottle renew the argument , wine is a friend to the muses .

johnson .

i believe so , and wonder why poets are said to drink of the fountain hippocrene .

smith .

oh! sir , 't is to shew that all their thoughts must be clear as chrystal , their words flow easy , their design be natural , their matter innocent , not able to intoxicate our reason as wine , wine you know alters men , it makes the old young , the sad merry , the poor rich , the coward stout , the weak strong , enlivens the face , advises the wise — and also makes him mad ; i believe many of our plays have been written in claret —

stutter .

come , let 's go — and take a dose of it , since as you say 't is a pannacea , a cure for all evils , and the gentleman u●her to mirth and happiness . on my word , your notion is not amiss ( and by the way i 'll not forget it ) i will only give this sheet to the bookseller , and wait on you if you 'll tell me where .

smith .

don't go , we shall be tongue-kill'd with his stuff .

johnson .

prithee come , 't will be variety for once ; besides we 'll make him sing — let it be quickly then at the cross-keys .

stutter .

there 's such a noise there always , the pit on my first day , or billings-gate it self , might pass for quiet places to it . —

smith .

nay , one of your similes will serve , for i think the play-house was a billings-gate then .

johnson .

name your tavern then .

stutter .

let it be the rose , i am sure of a glass of the best there . —

johnson .

agreed — you 'll follow .

stutter .

presently .

smith .

i wonder how he ventures to the tavern with us , seeing how we have used him already ; i should as soon have believed he would have come at a lords mayors feast to sing his ioy to great caesar , or , london's loyalty .

johnson .

he is a better courtier than you imagine , and will endeavour to make you neuter if he cannot win you to his party ; not unlike the jesuites , who purchase all the books are writ against them , that they may not be read by other people ; or like those , who fee some lawyers not so much to use them , as to hinder them from pleading for their adversaries .

smith .

it can be no easy matter to reconcile me to the pro's and cons of such mercenary pens , they bring the whole body politick of poetry into disgrace and contempt , like drawcansir , they spare neither friend nor foe , provided there be something to be got by it ; and as the whores give love for money , they as meanly expose wit for money , till punk and scribbler grow as loath'd and common one as the other . the law hath provided a house of correction for the one , and since satyr is too mild to lash the others , 't is pity there is not some other means us'd to silence them , that the better pens , and the men of honester principles , may no longer suffer for the faults of those ; and when these torrents and inundations of the spurious , muddy , mingled stuff of those dabblers , which now drowns the town , is drain'd , wit and merit need not be asham'd to appear abroad , but flow in their natural channel .

johnson .

faith thou' rt in the right .

smith .

well , i am sorry we have ingaged our selves with this fellow , it were better to hear another rehearsal of bays , or another reading of his city mouse and country mouse .

johnson .

prithee do not be disheartned , we will have rare sport .

smith .

it will be dear bought if you have any ; it were a better bargain to hear merry andrew's insipid jokes , in hopes of a jest every half hour , court an affected senseless musician for a song , or humour an old peevish relation on the prospect of a legacy .

johnson .

why , thou art more splenatick than a mathematician disturbed in his calculations , or a poet whose play hath been damn'd before his third day . thou art a meer usurer of thy conversation , thou wilt not lend thine without a large interest of wit. come , jack , your stock is large , be a little more lavish on 't , to him 't is charity , he lives upon the scraps of such as you , and you need not grudge to see the brats of your brains father'd by another .

smith .

nor those of my body , frank , tho i should hate to see them ill dress'd or distorted , and such i guess his education will make any ones , when the best fancy or plot midwifd by him into the world , will either be crippled , or at the best look like a child half starv'd at nurse .

johnson .

do you take him for such an ill taylor that he cannot dress any wit as it ought to be ?

smith .

even so , witness his laying violent hands on shakespear and fletcher , whose plays he hath altered so much for the worse , like the persecutors of old , killing their living beauties by joining them to his dead lameless deformities .

johnson .

oh! if there be poetical justice to be had in the elezian fields , how he 'll be maul'd , and if in this world , he were serv'd like aesops jay , and every bird should claim their feathers , how naked he would be .

smith .

not so naked neither , he is voluminous enough with the leaves of his books ; like another adam to cover his nakedness , and tho most of our authors might well call their books pickt sentences , select lines , collections of fine things , and miscellanies of other mens thoughts , should one , chymist like , separate the different metals of which their compound is made up , there would remain of their own a great deal of substantial , weighty , solid —

johnson .

lead , you mean.

smith .

matter .

johnson .

then pray no more of that matter , we have discanted but too much on it already , let 's talk of something else till our poet after come , you 'll be sure of a belly full of it then .

smith .

let 's talk of what you will ; tho' , let me tell you , i would have my friend , like an ingenious preacher , extract a good doctrine out of a barren text. but here he comes .

stutter .

gentlemen , i hope i have made my word good ; i love to be as punctual to my friends , as —

smith .

an author to his bookseller , when he is to pay him his copy money ; a passionate lover to his first assignation , or a moneyless parasite to my lords hour of setting down to dinner , or —

stutter .

the sun to his appointed setting — and there i was before you . but what news do you hear , gentlemen ? —

johnson .

they say the armies —

stutter .

oh! i did not ask about warlike news : but news from wits commonwealth . what new lampoon hath the vogue ? what songs now fill the air ? what satyr bites the town ? or , to speak more largely , what new play puts the criticks to their old talent of finding fault ? or jacobite like , biting their fingers for want of power to bite others .

johnson .

why , tom , i should have expected such questions from thee , as little as from a court lady what 's the fashion , a seaman how 's the wind , or a watchman what 's a clock — what song , what lampoon , what satyr , or what play , in short , can please the town , but what is coyn'd in your mint ? i can go no where , but like air , you are still to be found . from wapping to tuttlefields , from southwark to shoreditch , you fill the nations mouth . the trudging carman whistles your harmonious poetry to his horse , the glass coach beau whispers them to his as senceless nymph , the grumbling jacobite mutters them in corners to his abdicated brethren , the coffee-house bard , his nose sadled with spectacles , pores over your comical remarks , as much as on the no less divertive observator . your ballads , when half asleep , from the street , in a high base and a low treble , wish me a good rest when i can catch it . the cookmaid and scullion listen to them , and the very coachmen ingratiates himself to the antiquated chamber-maid with them . they will not escape the quiet nursery , for there they rock baby asleep . in guild-hall , some of the anti-new raparees exalt them up to the very hustins , and from the philistine goliah , now make you their third giant . i see them on every post , and shoals of them at every booksellers , and must for a while have abdicated the play-house , had i not as much complaisance for them as i have had for some of the foregoing comical entertainments .

stutter .

sir , i hope you make that difference between their plays and mine , which the success of the one and the other claim : my play may live to bear the charge of theirs , and clear a brace of l. to the house .

smith .

oh , sir , i never judge of things by their success , the emperour of the moon , and other trifles , could brag of that if it were allowable .

stutter .

what , sir , compare my play to the emperour of the moon , when it makes the lawrel shake on one's head , and another despair of it again —

smith .

if one of the two you mean despairs of the lawrel , 't is what can't be help'd , but if it shake on the others head , i believe 't is when he laughs at some mens presumptions , tho' i 'm no mans champion , win it and wear it , tom , when you have writ as many good plays as they , and your tory ones are forgot ; perhaps you may be in a better way — tho' by the way i 'd advise you to write no more —

stutter .

how , sir , write no more ! what ca — ca — can you mean by this ? — speak — zoons —

smith .

oh , sir , if you are so furious , speak by your self .

johnson .

prithee , tom , hear him , he 's no foe to you , and to my knowledge brought a good party to clap swingingly on your first day ; which , by the way , was no small advantage to the play.

stutter .

oh , sir , i had a powerful party against me , tho' i would not give a farthing for a play that cannot stem the tide of a faction ; but what can be your reasons , mr. smith , for my leaving off writing ? —

smith .

why , sir , in the first place ; like the sun , to which you compar'd your self just now , this must be your meridian , and when things are at their highest , the next step is to decline . to deal more plainly with you , the town deserves not to be oblig'd by you , tho' you cou'd soar higher than mr. phoebus himself . i remember that in your dedication to the fond husband , you assure your patron it is your own , tho' some are pleas'd to doubt the contrary ; and it grieves me to tell you , mr. stutter , they cannot think this last yours neither , but rather that it was given you by some person of quality , who more modest yet than virgil , let 's you enjoy the honour and profit of it , without issuing out a sic nos non vobis .

stutter .

not mine ! then , sir , let me tell you , i have friends that know better , and i challenge any of the criticks , tho' my constant and inveterate enemies , to tell me of one single thing in the plot , or conversation of it , but what is genuine , my own , and no mans else . as for plot , sir , i 'll not yield it to any poet or politician ; and there 's my plotting sisters for one , which i 'll match with any play in europe : either she wou'd if she cou'd , squire of alsatia , soldiers fortune ; or any other —

smith .

so you may indeed , the putting out of candles , changing of gowns ; tables and traps are well enough imagin'd .

stutter .

well enough — ay , and so they are ; but pray what do they say besides ? — let me know all .

smith .

i will — they say that most of what takes in your new play , is gay farce , the rest is sad , whining , heavy love ; the one too brisk , the other too dull , and both in extreams . some say , that like the italian painter , who kill'd his friend the better to draw the agonies of a dying man , you have sacrific'd your hospitable acquaintance at the boarding-schools , to the improving the characters of your play.

stutter .

indeed , i have some acquaintance there , but they may rather than complain , thank me for not exposing them more — i could have made the thing look with a worse face .

smith .

that is — those whom you have lam'd , of a leg or an arm , may thank you for not killing them quite ; but to go on , they say the best of the plot is stolen .

stutter .

i steal a plot — give me patience —

smith .

out of a play of mrs. behns , call'd the city heiress ; that the humour and discourse between iilt-all and amorous , are much the same as between wilding , and diana his kept mistress , whom he tells his unkle is an heiress , to get money of him , when afterwards she , like your iilt , proving false to wilding , marrys his unkle , who finds himself at last cheated with a whore instead of an heiress .

johnson .

pray , mr. stutter , is not this something like your plot ?

stutter .

zoones , 't is much like it , i must confess , but wits jump — i vow i had forgot it , but it doth not signify a rush , the town has forgot that long ago . ( aside . ) pray heaven some other malicious prying book-monger may'nt find it out — besides , 't will never be acted again , 't was one of the tory plays , which won't do now the tide 's turn'd .

smith .

no more than your royalist , sir barnaby whigg , and the rest of your court plays , where passive obedience and ius divinum , are asserted as infallible doctrines , and all sins venial but desire of liberty .

johnson .

oh don't blame the royalist , if it were but for the sake of that devout gentleman , who duly every morning came to worship the royal oak , with as much devotion as the pilgrims at loretto .

stutter .

for gods sake , gentlemen , no more of it , they were little things writ , and suitable with the times , which i and my brothers may be somewhat asham'd of in these —

smith .

i believe 't is that throws you as much upon the extreams , as if nothing could attone but the counterpart , witness the lady addleplot , which tho her part is so short that it is hardly worth the dressing him that acts it , claws it off so smartly , that it put some in mind of your renegadoes , who ever prove severer task-masters , than your natural musselmen , and the worse turks of the two —

stutter .

well , let 'em take it among them that think themselves concern'd ; as for my new play , i 'm sure 't is good , and bar this thing in the city heiress , which by the by , i wou'd pray you to keep to your selves , 't is all my own , and like the file , it may defy the teeth of the criticizing snakes ; they may hiss and bite , but like true steel , 't will wear out their tongues and teeth : i am sure they cannot have the impudence to say otherwise .

smith .

oh but they have , mr. stutter , they are even so impudent as to say —

stutter .

wh — wh — why what the devil can they say ?

smith .

they say that the kid-napping of the heiress to the east-indies in your play , looks very much like some such thing in sir hercules buffoon , that your sir rowland rakehell hath the knavery of selden , with the humour and profaneness of sir hercules ; and your ramps are like innocentia , one of the heiresses there . and that the list which the lady addleplot reads of their party , is the same thing almost with that which the irish priest reads in the amorous bigott , and though the words are somewhat different , the humour is the same .

johnson .

what! more discoveries : what say you to this , little stutter , guilty or not guilty ?

stutter .

why , sir , in the first place , i say i never took a hint from any man ; in the next , that those characters you mention'd are like mine , i utterly deny —

johnson

aside . with the confidence of an actor , the sincerity of a poet , and the truth of an irish evidence .

stutter .

faces you know may be alike , but for all that they are not the same ; what has sir rowland to do with sir hercules ? or my ramps with his ramps ? — besides their dress , and the main drift of the action , is quite another thing .

smith .

that may be , and yet the character may be borrowed , for in humours and characters , it happens as with those german pictures , where a man or a woman are drawn so , that a dozen different dresses painted on izing-glass may suit to the same face ; and so it may be said the humour is still the same , tho you dress it another way ; it hath the same looks tho' it be disguis'd ; as your french man is , for though you have made him a jacobite french man , yet he is but a french man still , and such a french man as no beau will ever be fond of aping ; so that after so many excellent masters from whom you 've drawn your copy , and who have tired their pens , and then the town on that subject , 't is to be admired you have not drawn him better ; and as for crying up his king , we had enough of that in bury-fair . indeed the merry ( not to say the unthinking ) part of the audience were well pleas'd with him , and always will ; the enmity between the nations giving a relish to the part , even in bartholomew-fair , tho had he , who acted the part like a good fiddle , been well tun'd , he would have made better musick .

stutter .

sure the town will not be so barbarous as to deny me the drawing a french man right —

johnson .

't were hard they should ; i have heard you say your father was one . though i 've heard a friend of mine say , you speak french worse than your french-man english.

smith .

aside . no wonder then if he sings and saunters about so much , dresses like them , and talks as much . let me see , he hath a french face , lean and dun : all the true cast. hark you , little stutter , did not you draw it for your self ? come , confess amongst friends —

stutter .

zoons — ca — ca — ca — can any man have patience to hear all this ? gentlemen , here 's my club —

johnson .

pox , don't be angry tom , he 's but in jest . come , here 's t' ye , some of you writers are as high after your third days , as your whores with settlements , as you said . dear stutter , prithee let 's be merry ; put up your money , we know you have some — why ! there 's no arguing with you , your wit runs out in a passion like bottle ale in the dog days .

stutter .

' sblood ! 't would make even patience mad . but come , sir , you that are so critical ; can you make any more objections ?

smith .

not a word , sir ; i hate a noise , and regard your health and mine : tho' let me tell you , that those who refuse to hear of their faults , will remain in them , and be company only for fools and flatterers ; if they be real to know them is a means to mend , and if they ▪ be not , our sober arguing may undeceive those who before thought us in an error .

stutter .

there you are right , but to have the honour of inventing my characters and humours taken from me , is such a thing , as i am sure no author can bear ; the name of plagiary is more odious to me than that of whore to a virtuous woman , or the imputation of cowardise to a man of honour .

johnson .

ay , and the taking your plots and humours from you , a greater grief than the ravishing from a kind mother her dear beloved daughter ; tho' i confess , some people said that your nicompoop is just the very image of bisket in epsom-wells , who is a quiet humble civil city cuckold , govern'd and beaten by his wife , whom he very much fears , loves , and is proud of : she too calls him nicompoop and fumbler ; he courts her gallant to go to her , begs leave to go play at bowls , gets fuddled , and is alike reprimanded ; so that they said , you may well bragg in your epilogue that your cuckolds character is not ill drawn , when you had so good an original to copy after . but i believe 't is not so .

stutter .

some criticks have no mercy ; because they cannot take from me the humours between my dear granadeer and his son , what does one of them behind the scenes t'other day , but say 't is foreign from the main action , and hath no more dependance on it , than the scene between prince prettiman and tom thimble in the rehearsal hath to the two kings of brentford . and in short that i might as well have given him a mother and have a dozen children , and a father to the french-man , and to amorous , and to every one of them , and have made as many more walks , or plays in a play , as there are acts and scenes in this . —

johnson .

why 'faith that was unkind , they had as good say that topknots and cravat-strings are not necessary garniture . —

smith .

for my part i judge them to be no more necessary than shoulder-knots and feathers , of which fantastick mode , heaven be praised , the town is reformed ; and i wish those unuseful digressions on our stage , like overgrown branches , were lop'd off too .

johnson .

then you may cut off half the plays of some of our authors , much fuller of digressions , indeed , then some of our modern rhetorical sermons ▪ come , bays was not so much out when he said , what 's your plot but to bring in fine things . let your lean , envious student , who like the architect will have a rule to work by , and go by the compass and plummet , show us a better play of his own if he can ; here , my little friend , here 's to thee , and a good success to thy next .

stutter .

now i vow you 're obliging .

johnson .

and so you 'll be , dear stutter , if you 'll give us a song .

stutter .

i vow to gad i can't sing ; your friend here , mr. what-d'ye-call-him , hath put me so out of order . —

smith .

'prithee , mr. stutter , take what i told you the right way , you would not be flattered , would you ? but prithee a song . —

stutter .

oh sir , incense is odious to me ; besides i deserve none .

smith .

come , come , we know what you deserve , now you are unjust and wrong your self , but pray take no notice of what i said , 't was only à lusus verborum . i love arguing to my heart .

johnson .

ay , sometimes he and i will argue it for an hour or two .

smith .

wits disputing , like knives , grind and sharpen one anothers edge .

stutter .

a very quaint simile . — aside — and that shall be my own . you have a world of them mr. smith , for my part i don't overload my plays with wit : plot and humour are my provinces . tho i think they have been worse used by ill pens , than hungary by the tartars .

smith .

't is pitty they have been so depopulated : but prithee give us a song .

stutter .

indeed i cannot now : a man cannot sing at all times . reads . my answer to my brother horace's omnibus hoc vitium , and that which tunes the cobler tunes us all .

smith .

what tunes the cobler ? —

stutter .

why , a merry heart .

johnson .

well , prithee let the cobler alone , and give us a song .

stutter .

stay , i 'll begin it all , there is not above verses , i have it by heart , 't is my darling , — if this strange vice in all good singers were .

smith .

for god's sake a song . —

stutter .

well , i 'll skip some — i soon perceiv'd when i his version met , 't was more from prejudice than judgment writ . — aside — i perceive too by your own confession , that you make use of his version to converse with him .

johnson .

gad i will side to your brother horace if you don't sing presently .

stutter .

well , but hear my verses first .

smith .

we have read them , and will have a song first .

stutter .

but my verses —

johnson .

we 'll hear of your verses for every song you 'll sing us ; that 's very fair .

stutter .

no — that 's too little ; i have a new poem to desire your advice in , you are men of wit ; but i 'll have verses for every song .

smith .

i vow that 's too hard , you have no conscience ; but pass for threescore .

stutter .

have you seen an ode i translated from the greek of anacreon in my last collection ?

johnson .

no ; but pray let us have a scotch song , dear tom , i know thou art a devil at them .

stutter .

oh , sir , i will not thank the town for giving me the preheminence over all my contempo — po — po — raries in lyricks ; envy it self will give me that , tho' 't is a talent even horace the great lyrick poet wanted , or i am mistaken .

smith .

pray mr. stutter , seeing you understand greek , which by the way i am glad of , for your sake , the unkind town saying you do not understand latin , oblige me to explain this passage in euripides : 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 —

stutter .

let me see the book sir — pox of this heathen greek , it hath not the latin on the other side , tho' if it had 't would be much one to me . to himself .

smith .

well , how do you render that in english ?

stutter .

why ? i thought you were for a scotch song — and i have — fa la la la.

smith .

but the greek verse first . ( aside . ) i 'll confound him .

stutter .

what do you make of it , let 's see ?

smith .

i do not understand it very well , it talks of lethe , oblivion .

stutter ,

gad , so it may , and i believe i have drank of lethe's lake , for i have quite forgot it . pox of this greek , 't is only fit for pedants , and as unbecoming a gentleman as pedlars french.

smith .

you mistake sure , mr. stutter : euripides , sophocles , aristophanes , and the other greek authors , were ever esteem'd the fountains of dramatick poetry .

stutter .

for my part , i neither mind them nor aristotle , or longinus , my dear horace doth my business .

smith

apart . for which you may thank the translators .

stutter .

tho understand him and his rules , and follow them never so strict , you may miss the way to please the town , and your play be hiss'd off by the criticks , for all your rules , i'faith . for my part , i am of terence's mind , since 't is our business to please the court and town , and have a large audience . let 's write so as to please them and the major party . that hath been my rule , and i have found it successful , and i 'll not leave it for all the musty ancients , till i find one more profitable : but you shall have a song .

johnson .

had it not been to be rid of this greek , he would not have sung this hour .

stutter .

i reckon i have made some songs , ballads , and catches , besides madrigals , odes , and other lyrick copies of verses ad infinitum . are you for a new one ? i seldom am a day without making one or two .

johnson .

what you like best your self , tom , good songs are ever new to me .

stutter . abroad as i was walking upon a summers day , there i met with a beggar woman cloathed all in gray : her clothes they were so torn , you might have seen her skin , she was the first that taught me to see the golin , ah! see the golin my jo , see the golin . she took her bearn up , and wrapt it wee l in clothes , and then she takes a golin and stick between her toes , and ever as the lurden cry'd or made any din , she shook her foot and cry'd my jo , see the golin ; ah! see the golin my jo , see the golin . smith .

a very pretty tune indeed .

stutter .

but how do you like the words ? to praise the tune only , is commending a frame , and saying nothing of the picture .

johnson .

oh the words are singular ; odd — odd , mighty pretty odd words .

stutter .

ay , that see the golin , my jo , see the golin : gad , i wonder how i come by all these pretty things : i have a world of them .

johnson .

who but your self would have had such a pretty thought , my jo , see the golin ?

stutter .

ay , that golin , it seems there 's nothing in it .

johnson .

oh , but you are mistaken , 't is worth a whole epick poem .

stutter .

that golin — sir , you do me honour ; tho let me tell you , i had rather be the author of that golin than of absalom and achitophel .

johnson .

so had i , tho i look upon it as the best poem we have had these years .

stutter .

oh : i perceive you have not read mine on a late duke's going to america ; i 'll read it to you , 't is not above lines .

johnson .

'sdeath , he is at again — aside . — prithee first let me admire that ring on thy finger , if it be right 't is worth pounds . ah , rogue , i never saw you wear it before to day , nor that fine watch ; why those are substantial moveables .

smith

apart . yes , and may pawn for half their cost in the long vacation . why friend , you have laid out half your third day on that , i believe you have a mind like bias , one of the sages of greece , to say upon occasion , omnia mecum porto .

stutter

apart . now would i give any thing to know his meaning .

smith

apart . he is angry , i 'll turn it off , perhaps he doth not understand it . i would say , you carry all good things along with you .

johnson .

prithee let him display his jewels and be fine . to smith . 't will make him the more ridiculous ; what if like monsieur ragou , he hath a mind to lay out his whole stock in ribonds ? indeed , 't is a lovely ring , dear stutter , let me see it .

stuttter .

a tribute to the muses ; the grateful offering of a kind admirer of my works .

johnson .

i 'll say that for tom , that tho some of the men look upon him by the wrong end of the prospect , and the criticks for his satyrs would use him worse than his eldest brother orpheus was by the women , yet the kinder sex take a truer view of his merits . and tho dragon grows old , yet he keeps up among them , a song for cinthia , another for cloe , are worth jewels and gold , and many times better things .

smith .

that 's a pretty trade , i must confess , and much like the barters with the indians , an exchange of toys for pretious stones .

stutter .

by your leave , i reckon my toys as good as theirs , and if i receive their pretious stones , i seldom fail to return the gratitude in the same kind .

johnson .

ah , wag ! there thou' rt before bays for a dry bob , and i can but admire how ingeniously they are spread in thy play ; some of them are master-strokes of that kind , for that and good honest atheistical songs , andabusing the black-coat as thou call'st it , thou bear'st away the lawrel .

stutter .

oh , i am for things that are out of the way , and you shall no more see any thing of mine without something in 't , that 's stinging or odd ; than a sermon without quotations , a tragedy without bombast , and an almanack without lyes .

johnson .

nay , i 'll say that for thee , that tho some envious wits say thou' rt a drone , thou art as waspish as the best of them , and if they cannot perceive thy wit , 't is because 't is so very fine , that 't is very hard to be seen , tho i should esteem it as much the more for being so , as a machine in an opera for moving with a subtle wire .

stutter .

now you talk of ladies , let 's have their health ; the little rogues are so fond of me .

johnson .

why do you not secure some one of them , though it were but a lady dowager , her jointure would be better than a patrimony on parnassus .

stutter .

oh , i love to live at large , and the pleasure of the chase many times exceeds that of the quarry ; besides , i vow , i can never talk of for better for worse , but they desire me to sing t'other song . gad , i believe they are affraid 't would spoil my voice , and that the town should lose the benefit of my writing ; and they use me as your lords do their old servants , whom they never prefer , for fear of losing their good service . besides , i have always kept too many irons at work , and like a greyhound coursing two hares at once , i have had always the ill luck to miss both — but i intend to pursue close some one of them , i have half a dozen in my eye , and one of them will do , fa la la fa la.

smith .

i 'll say that for him , he is as fond of talking of them , — aside — as of his last song , or copy of verses . prithee sing tother song .

stutter . make your honours miss , tholl — loll — loll . now to me child — smith .

oh , prithee tom , let 's have another , i heard the ballad-singers at it in the streets already .

stutter .

a man would almost forswear making any thing publick , that rascally tribe invades it presently , and murders it as much as a bad irish actor a good part . i think my songs are like my mistresses , fated when they go from me to be common , but i 'll have an action against him who printed that without my leave .

smith .

thy leave tom ? why , i have heard the tune , and most of the words , these two years ; my dancing master told me who first made them , but i have forgot it .

stutter .

well , who ever made that whim first , if he can dance no better than he writes , he shall never cut a good caper : i am sure i added and alter'd much , besides the relish at the end of each stanza , and then few people know it . but how did you like my letter with the loaf and butter , was not that pretty ? ah ah ah .

smith .

ay , very pretty , 'thas made me laugh twenty years ago at school , tho i must confess , you have improved it as much as bussy dambois by your late alterations and amendments .

stuter .

ay , what a wretched thing it was before i mended it ; 't is pity tragedy doth nor take in this age , or else 't would overtop your all for love , oedipus , &c. but how did you like the humour of the dance of spirits ?

smith .

oh , 't was very necessary to inform the audience of the pistolling bussy ; i perceive you are not in that of mr. bays's opinion , tho you love to elevate , you hate to surprize .

stutter .

what think you of the comical part of the play ? that was all my own i assure you .

johnson .

i believe so ; 't is as diverting and natural as any thing you ever writ , principally the fencing masters with the bed-staffs : all that 's good in the play must be yours , and what 's bad chapmans .

stutter .

ay , i think the comical part is very well brought in , and much to the purpose , tho i ask'd one his opinion of it , and the ignorant fool told me 't was pretty farce : ah ah ah .

smith .

but pray , what did you bring the fencing master and the steward upon the stage for ?

stutter .

why to talk together and fence , what should i bring them there for else ?

smith .

i do not perceive your drift in it , for they never appear afterwards ; and i think a scene between monsieur and dambois , about the killing the king his brother , well wrought , and some others to prepare the events ( which are brought in abruptly ) and to avoid dull narrations had been more to the purpose ; it makes those that are judges say , that were it not for mr. m — fords excellent acting , which is the soul of the play , it would have been still-born . and to speak in your style , it now hath a world of spots , and could have been a world without spots , and have had nothing to do with heavens strait axle-tree , and the world of fustian you have either made or left in it . i have heard of the world turn'd into a withdrawing room , but never till now of heaven made a coach with its axle-tree . some criticks are as angry with you for that , as the dissenters with queen bess , for the relicks of ceremonies .

stutter .

being in haste , i overlookt some of the old stuff , and could not well avoid it , for had i taken it all out , there had remained nothing old in the play but the name , and i had done like the fellow who bought him a new outside to his lining , and a new lining to his outside ; tho i as much hate to wear an authors old socks , as to sing anothers words , a fault you 'll seldom find me guilty of . there is a great deal of art in altering a play for the better , and you may almost as soon make an old face look young again ; but i think no old author ever suffer'd much under my hands .

johnson .

but the audience did — aside — oh , no : one would think you had bath'd them in that fountain which turns decrepit age to sprightly youth : for when they have been as it were bedridden , and confin'd in closets to the dead letter half an age , you bring them on the stage singing and dancing like mad ; and like you , as full of bell air , and as spruce , as if they were just shot out of a bow from paris , and so rhetorical , that in a series of complemental phrases , verborum ambagibus , we are lost in amazement , before we can reach the middle of your periods ; you have found out the transfusion of wit and style , i think , better than the physicians have done that of the blood .

stutter .

oh! those things cost me nothing , my genius lyes that way , but the toyl lyes in teaching the actors , in martialling them right , and bringing them on ; 't is a sad drudgery , one must as it were clap them on the back , and spit in their mouths , to incourage them , tho they are marring a good thing , and murthering a part : i teach them like parrots , tho to deal plainly with you , i am affraid some of them most ungratefully , laugh at me behind my back , and are so us'd to counterfeit upon the stage , that they can no more leave it off when they are from it , than an irish-man his accent , a thorough-pac'd swearer his oaths , and your yea and nay quaking friend , his cant and formality . i believe 't is they have possess'd the town with the report of my want of wit ; they interlope in our trade as you know . now should i speak any witty thing to them , it may be ; as they have good memories , they would at night set it down to deck their plays , or treat every company they come into with it , and so make any fine thing common presently , and unfit to be us'd by me when i have company that deserves it ; for , like a hidden store , i reserve them for my friends , and always one finer than all the rest at parting , like a grace-cup , to leave a good relish of my sense when i am gone , as i observe that a good round jest at the end of a scene , commands a clap. indeed , those things , like coronation robes , are more for state than use , and must not be worn thredbare —

johnson .

so that sometimes , my friend , you take as much pains to hide your vvit , as you do at others to show it .

stutter .

and with good reason too , when i am with the players . gad , tho it were but before the candle-snuffer , i dare not utter one good word — who can tell but he hath a play upon the stocks , and ready to be launch'd next term.

johnson .

come , say no more of it , i am sure they have done you a great deal of justice , and i know some of them that deserve your esteem ; you must do like that king who would not remember the wrongs done him when a duke . and so the author of love for money , must forget the dejected and wrong'd duke of dunstable .

smith .

but pray , by the by , why from one gentleman of fletcher's , did you make three dukes ? methinks it seem'd too great an imposition on the sense of the audience .

johnson .

vvhy ? bays gave you two kings of brentford , and three dukes , i think , was more surprizing .

stutter .

i thank you , mr. johnson , for hitting my true meaning ; that was a good play ! but those scenes of basset , which gave offence to a very great lady , were the ruine of it , tho nothing could be prettier . and that with a great deal more , is my own : but now that lady is gone , i will have it revived before i oblige the stage with another play.

johnson .

so you may , as well as bussy dambois , and with as much justice have the banditti too ; i believe the one will take as much as t'other .

stutter .

now you make me sigh when you speak of the banditti , that poor play fell a sacrifice to the criticks , they envy me because i think my self as good as they , as in reason i am , and perhaps better too . they martyrized my play to pull down my reputation , which began to eclipse that of the most celebrated dramatick authors ; but i think i fitted them in my epistle dedicatory to the foreman of my partial jury , sir critick cat-call ; you have read it without doubt .

ionhson .

ay , ay , you puzzled them i 'm sure , with your visible and invisible patrons , and gave them three or four sheets of complements and vvitticisms they could not understand , nor have the the patience to read , without taking snuff .

stutter .

they had better ne'r have meddled with me , i stung them to the quick , and had i had no more wit than they , i had had more duels to fight than any desperate bravo , or quarrelsome gamester , e're fought or bragg'd of in their lives .

johnson .

how did you put them off then ?

stutter .

very easily i'saith : i told them that if fighting was their province , writing was mine . that i invaded no mens proprieties , but if they would attack me at my own weapon , i was ready to give them the satisfaction of an author , draw my pen in the quarrel , and give them dash for dash , but that i had too great a veneration for the ladies , to endanger any thing they were pleas'd to set a value on . and in short , at any thing else i begg'd their pardon , and was their humble servant — and this , with abdicating the coffee-house , and exchanging their company , for the society of the more sober and tractable gentlemen of the country and city , quasht the business . tho now i dare appear ; and tho a star of the first magnitude shines so bright among you , that even in its eclipse i fear'd , before , 't would shine brighter than i. now i think my boarding-school may make as great a blaze as his spanish frier .

smith .

have a care young phaeton , comets may blaze a while , as you , after a famous author have observed , but the unctious matter being spent , they must return to their first obscurity .

stutter .

my stock will blaze when others snuffs are out ; a rising star is worth two setting suns : and now that in the style of my siege of memphis , opportunity reaches forth her silver hairs and bids me hold . by dint of merit , i 'll the lawrel snatch ; i 'll not for it's reversion tamely watch , it 's fading green i 'll instantly revive , drones shall not eat the honey of the hive : to court i 'll hye , and claim it as my due , outdo them all ; nay , even my self outdo : i 'll write and sing , and write , till it will do . nay , rather than i 'll leave my cause i' th' lurch , i 'll — i 'll — i 'll —

[ scratches his head. ] smith .

fast , seem godly , pray , and go to church — the rhyme will be left in the lurch else . this was a smart fit of rhyming if it had but held out ; i see you have your poetical concordance in your head pretty ready . prithee what rhimes to jehovah , chimny , month , or to scurvy ?

stutter .

scurvy — humph — scurvy — stay — pox , that 's a scurvy rhime , and a scurvy question now : the nearest to it , is a very good friend of mines name , that begins with a d —

smith .

who is a scurvy rhymer . — aside .

stutter .

but waving that ; i 'll not be affraid of old worn-out rivals , impavidum ferient ruinae , as i remember monsieur lavardin said of his holiness pope innocent xi . in whose praise i writ a poem — a pox on 't , you have put me out , and spoil'd my rapture .

smith .

he hath his bits of latin as ready as a spanish monk his breviary , tho neither of them understand a word on 't but by translations . aside .

johnson .

well , go on and prosper , tom , you would be sure of success , were we ruled by laws such as those of the kingdom of the moon ; which , by the way , i think as well imagined as those of sir tho. moore 's utopia . they say that there old men honour and serve the young , as being in body and mind fitter for the service of their country . ' gad , i believe you had fared very well in that world , their language being all musick , and their money all verse .

smith .

but the musick must be good , and the verse bear the hall-mark , for like the late brass irish coyn , it does not go for what fools may take it , but for its real value ; and one stanza of spencer's there , may outweigh a whole quarles , or a verse of hudibras , a cart-load of his ghosts .

stutter .

sir , i have grafted of twig upon him , which i have called his ghost , and for all your opinion , i believe that if any man hath come to his heighth , 't is i have done it ; no author ever exploded my works , nor writ against them so as to come to particulars , which is no small pride and comfort to me , since the most celebrated pens have been often carp'd at , and examin'd , even in the best of their works ; and indictments of poetical thefts , murders and treasons drawn against them . no man was ever yet so bold as to answer me , so that sometimes i have been forced to answer my self , when my hand was in . i believe they have lookt on my poetry , as armies on those towns they dare not besiege ; i have had now and then a bomb thrown at me , but tho surrounded with enemies , none of them ever presumed beyond a blocade , for had they made a formal attack , they had certainly lost by it , and been repulsed worse than the turks were at vienna .

johnson .

without doubt it would have been a longer siege than that of troy , candia , or ostend , and their only way to reduce you would have been by famine ; for then being starv'd for want of sense , you could not have held out . the flying squadrons of your songs form'd into bodies of light horse , your ballads into dragoons , your lampoons into horse granadeers , and catches into volonteers , would have made work with them : your libertine and smutty copies of verses , had been your enfans perdus , the burlesque poems led the van , your comedies had made your main body of foot join'd with the book you writ in praise of archers , to darken the sky with its arrows , and all those plays you have altered had been auxiliaries , whilst you at the head of your boarding-school , mounted on a weesil , with an owl for your emblem display'd in your standard , a life guard of scotch songs , your satyrs for your artillery , the siege of memphis bringing up the rear , and your odes and other poems in the body of reserve , would have made altogether so bold , spruce , and numerous an army , that xerxes , darius , or the madianites , never muster'd the like , and he must have been more than a leonidas , an alexander , or a gideon , that dared encounter you .

stutter .

very prettily applied , mr. johnson ; i protest had you been general of an army , you could not have done it better . what think you of it , mr. smith ; you say nothing ? people may talk now of sir iohn suckling , waller and denham , for writing well , 't was easie for them , who never writ above an eighteen penny book ; but had they writ as much as i , ' ga● it had been worth speaking of . ah! mr. smith , do you think now , any author dare encounter me , and take my works to pieces ?

smith .

no , faith sir : de nihilo nihil dicitur , i think it would be as needless as sir nicholas gimcracks dissection of a cock lobster , or the answering all the impertinent questions sent to the athenian mercury ▪ and now , sir , i have answer'd yours

stutter .

you have sir — but what 's to pay , boy , call my man — ga — ga — gad — damn ye , run you dog ▪ his boy comes i● sirrah , get me a chair ; ' s●ud and guns , ma — ma — make hast ▪

exit boy johnson .

a pretty boy this ; how long have you kept him tom ▪

stutter .

kept him sir : zoons , is that a proper question to a gentleman

smith .

't is since his last play ; he has been invisible since the three dukes of dunstable .

stutter .

hell and furies ! what 's to pay ? here 's money ; farewel ▪

johnson .

prithee stay and put up your money , there 's nothing to pay . exit stutter . — thou wouldst be very unfit to make a courtier ▪ mr. smith , thou hast as little complaisance as manly in the plain-dealer , or stamford in the impertinents ; thou art a meer heraclitus , what diverts others puts thee out of humour .

smith .

who can be otherwise , and hear the insipid sayings , vain thoughts , and ridiculous boasts of a conceited , touchy , illiterate , pragmatical nothing , who seldom writes a line , but either dullness , false thought , or something amiss , appears in it , and searce says one thing but may be better said ; to hear another stutter half an hour for a good word , were a pleasure to this , but to hear him stutter nonsence is unsufferable .

johnson .

for my part , i cannot repent the having thrown away a little idle time in so facetious and odd a conversation , a daily course of this would soon bring a surfeit , but a small touch e●●passant , may be as much indulged as a meal of roots and fruit , when either we want better dainties , or their constant use hath rendred them unpallatable ; and when time is as heavy on my hands as it was when we met , i so little repent the expence of it now , that i may lay out as much more in chewing the cud , and committing to paper what we have said . and tho what hath been already printed , between us and bays , be indeed as much above this as he is above stutter , yet this may , perhaps , give as much satisfaction to the reader , since a spanish frior , 〈◊〉 an all for love , have nor always had as good an audience as a love for money .

finis .

notes, typically marginal, from the original text

notes for div a -e momus ridens n. . mor. th page of trick for trick .

familiar and courtly letters written by monsieur voiture to persons of the greatest honour, wit, and quality of both sexes in the court of france ; made english by mr. dryden, tho. cheek, esq., mr. dennis, henry cromwel, esq., jos. raphson, esq., dr. -, &c. ; with twelve select epistles out of aristanetus, translated from the greek ; some select letters of pliny, jun and monsieur fontanelle, translated by mr. tho. brown ; and a collection of original letters lately written on several subjects, by mr. t. brown ; to which is added a collection of letters of friendship, and other occasional letters, written by mr. dryden, mr. wycherly, mr. -, mr. congreve, mr. dennis, and other hands. voiture, monsieur de (vincent), - . approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : - (eebo-tcp phase ). a wing v estc r ocm this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) familiar and courtly letters written by monsieur voiture to persons of the greatest honour, wit, and quality of both sexes in the court of france ; made english by mr. dryden, tho. cheek, esq., mr. dennis, henry cromwel, esq., jos. raphson, esq., dr. -, &c. ; with twelve select epistles out of aristanetus, translated from the greek ; some select letters of pliny, jun and monsieur fontanelle, translated by mr. tho. brown ; and a collection of original letters lately written on several subjects, by mr. t. brown ; to which is added a collection of letters of friendship, and other occasional letters, written by mr. dryden, mr. wycherly, mr. -, mr. congreve, mr. dennis, and other hands. voiture, monsieur de (vincent), - . brown, thomas, - . dryden, john, - . congreve, william, - . wycherley, william, - . [ ], , [ ], p. : ports. printed for sam. briscoe ... and sold by j. nutt ..., london : . part has special t.p. and separate paging. imperfect: pages stained. reproduction of original in the huntington library. created by converting tcp files to tei p using tcp tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between and available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the , texts created during phase of the project have been released into the public domain as of january . anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. % (or pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf- unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p , characters represented either as utf- unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng letters. erotic literature. - tcp assigned for keying and markup - apex covantage keyed and coded from proquest page images - judith siefring sampled and proofread - judith siefring text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion familiar and courtly letters , written by monsieur voiture to persons of the greatest honour , wit , and quality of both sexes in the court of france . made english by mr. dryden , tho. cheek , esq mr. dennis , henry cromwel , esq jos. raphson , esq dr. — , &c. with twelve select epistles out of aristanetus : translated from the greek . some select letters of pliny , jun. and monsieur fontanelle . translated by mr. tho. brown. and a collection of original letters lately written on several subjects . by mr. t. brown. never before publish'd . to which is added , a collection of letters of friendship , and other occasional letters , written by mr. dryden , mr. wycherly , mr. — mr. congreve , mr. dennis , and other hands . london : printed for sam. briscoe , in russel-street , covent-garden , and sold by j. nutt , near stationers-hall , . to the honourable sir cha. duncomb , kt. sheriff of london and middlesex . tho' i am wholly a stranger to your person , i am not to your character ; for who can live in london and not see living instances of your charity and munificence ? you have been the sanctuary of the distressed , and even those unhappy wretches , who found no benefit in the public deliverance of the kingdom , have ow'd theirs to you . at your own proper expence , and by a generosity peculiar to your self , you have done that which has been reckon'd piety in the greatest monarchs and republics , and what princes have sent royal fleets into the streights to perform . you have rescued numbers of christian captives out of the cruel hands of tyrants , professing the same religion , and breathing the same air with themselves . you have redeem'd slaves in a country which abominates servitude , but by a strange fascination suffers its natives to enslave one another : you have deliver'd them out of an unwholesome nasty confinement , where they dragg'd a life wretched to themselves , unserviceable to the common-wealth , lamentable to their relations , only to gratifie the revenge or stupid malice of their haughty oppressors . in the best constituted and most generous government that ever appear'd in the world , to save the life of a citizen , was thought an action that deserv'd nothing less than a public reward . you have restored the lives of a hundred citizens , by restoring them to their health , their liberty and tranquility of mind ; for what is life without those blessings to make it supportable ? charity , by what stupidity it so happens i cannot imagine , has not that incense paid it , nor makes that figure in the world that heroism does . to lay a whole country in ashes , to destroy millions of poor wretches , has for several ages pass'd for a royal vertue , mankind has been so sottish , as to deifie those that have perform'd these noble exploits , and advanced themselves by the slavery or destruction of their fellow-creatures . but tho' the present age pays a servile adoration to heroes , yet posterity judges of them otherwise ; and accordingly we find , that caesar and alexander , who were treated as gods when alive , are now , when all occasions of flattery to their persons cease , treated as robbers and usurpers . it is otherwise with charity : whatever acknowledgements the time it lives in pays it , posterity is sure to reward and honour it ; age only serves to extend it the more , like a well-grown tree that enlarges its branches every spring . 't is true , it does not delight in noise and ostentation ; it flies from that applause which heroism courts ; it values it self upon no mute inscriptions and breathless statues . it erects to it self living images , and will be commemorated with gratitude , while there is such a thing as memory or gratitude in the world. the heroe may extort flattery even from the slaves he crushes , or purchase mercenary praise : but a charitable man is sure to have the voluntary prayers and blessings of those whom he relieves , and even calumny it self dares not attack him . thus we see you have the general acclamations and applauses of the people , for having done those actions which the greatest athenians or spartans wou'd have been proud of , in a city which in no respect is inferiour to sparta or athens . pardon therefore an unhappy man , who has laboured under affictions , which he might have prevented if he wou'd have gone upon dishonest methods , by which others have not only repaired , but improved their fortunes , and whose little all , if it had not fallen into dilatory , i will not say malicious hands , might have afforded him a retreat , if not a comfortable support : pardon him , i say , if having experienced hard usage in the world , he cou'd not forbear to pay his public acknowledgment to the patriot that has redeem'd so many sufferers , if he endeavours to celebrate that vertue which wou'd have kept him from sinking , and extolls that charity that may restore him when he is sunk . for this reason i have presumed to dedicate the following volume of letters to your self , which were given me by some of my friends , who , in commiseration of my hard circumstances , were willing to contribute something towards my assistance . it does not bccome me , who pretend to be no judge , to say any thing of the performance . the gentlemen who are concern'd in the collection are too well known to want my praises . i hope that they may serve to entertain you at your vacant hours , when you can unbend your self from the hurry of public business . at least i beg you to accept them as a testimony of my respect , which shall be ever paid you by your most obedient and most humble servant , sam . briscoe . the contents . mons. voiture's letters . made english by several eminent hands . to my lord cardinal de la valette . by mr. dryden , pag. to mademoiselle paulet . by mr. dennis , to mons. de caudebonne . by the same hand , to mons. de godeau , a billet from madam de saintot , to mons. de voiture , the answer of mons. de voiture , to his unknown mistress . by mr. dennis , ibid. to mademoiselle paulet . by mr. dennis , to the marchioness of rambouillet , in answer to a letter of thanks of hers , an imitation of mons. de voiture's letter to mademoiselle de rambouillet , to the duke of enguien , upon the taking of dunkirk , to the duke of enguien , upon his gaining the battel of rocroy , to mons. de balzac , to the marquess of pisani , who had lost all his mony and baggage at the siege of thionville , to mademoiselle de bourbon , a relation of the author 's being toss'd in a blanket . by tho. cheek , esq to madam de rambouillet . by jos. raphson , to the cardinal de la valette . by the same , to a young lady , maid of honour to her royal highness's daughter . by henry cromwel , esq to the marchioness de rambouillet , on absence . by the same , to mons. costart . by dr. — , to madam — . by the same , to the same lady , to diana . by the same hand , to the president of the houshold . by *** , to mons. d' emer , comptroler - general of the king's revenues . by the same hand , an abridgment of a letter to mons. d' avaux . by the same hand , to madam — . by henry cromwel , esq to mons. de chaudebonne . by tho. cheek , esq to my lady-abbess , to thank her for a cat , which she sent him . by mr. oldys , a comical letter out of the famous mons. de colletier , to mademoiselle de choux . by sir d. clark , kt. aristaenetus's epistles . translated from the greek , by mr. t. brown. two ladies that were conquer'd by a gentleman 's singing , a lawyer 's wife to her friend , complaining that her husband did not manage her law-case so well as he ought , a fisherman to his friend ; being a description of a lovely damosel that wash'd her self in the sea whilst he was fishing , an adventure with a harlot , a cure for love , from a filt to her serenading gallant , acquainting him that his mony wou'd charm her more than his musick , a relation of a maid that fell in love with her mistress's gallant , a letter of gallantry from a young gentleman to his perjured mistress , a love-letter to his mistress , an account of the ill success of his friend damon in his amour , a lady to gentlewoman to acquaint her , that she was in love with her husband , and she with her page , a relation of a lady that satisfied her longing with with her gallant before her husband's face , some select epistles out of pliny , jun. made english by mr. t. brown. to his dear friend romanus , lib. . to his dear friend geminius , lib. . to his wife calphurnia , lib. . to the same , lib. . to his dear friend ferox , lib. . to cornelius tacitus , lib. . to cornelius tacitus , lib. . to sura , lib. . letters out of mons. le chevalier d' her. *** by mr. t. brown. to mademoiselle de j — , upon sending her a boar in a pasty , who had liked to have wounded him at the chace , to mons. c — on the cartesian philosophy , to madam d — v — upon sending her a black and a monky , to the same on the death of the monky , to mademoiselle de c — upon sending her an extract of the church-register , original letters . by mr. t. brown. to dr. baynard at the bath , melanissa to alexis , being a defence of love against drinking , to a litigious country-attorney , to mr. moult , to the same a news letter , to the same , from the gun musick-booth in bartholomew-fair , a consolatory letter to my lady — on the death of her husband , to mr. moult , upon the breaking up of bartholomew-fair , to w. k. esq being a relation of a journy to london , a love-letter from an officer in the army to a widow whom he was desperately in love with before he saw her , an exhortatory letter to an old lady that smok'd tobacco , to sir w. s. on the two incomparable pieces , the satyr against wit , and poeticae britannici , by another hand , to a physician in the country , being a true state of the poetical-war between cheapside and covent-garden , by another hand , love-letters . by gentlemen and ladies . love-letters , written by mr. — to madam — to four love-letters to a young lady by another hand , to a letter from a lady to her lover in the french army , with a tuft of hair inclosed in it ; to madam c — ll's madam c — ll's answer , his answer to the foregoing letter , madam c — ll's answer , to mrs. — , by another hand , to my lady — , by the same hand , four love-letters to an old lady , to a lady that had got an inflamation in her eyes , madam — to mr. b — , being an account of a journey to exon , &c. the answer , to dr. garth , to his poetical friend , advising him to study the mathematicks . out of quevedo . by mr. savage , to w. joy , the strong kentish-man , from the lady c — , dropt out of her foot-man's pocket , and taken up by a chair-man in the pall-mall , letters of friendship . by several eminent hands . mr. dennis , to walter moyle , esq mr. wycherley , at cleave , near shrewfbury . by the same hand , mr. wycherley's answer to mr. dennis , to mr. wycherley . by — to mr. wycherley . by — mr. wycherley , to mr. dennis , to mr. wycherley . by mr. — mr. wycherley , to mr. — on the loss of his mistress , mr. — 's answer to the foregoing letter , mr. wycherley to mr. — mr. dennis to mr. wycherley , to mr. wycherley , that a blockhead is better qualified for business than a man of wit , to mr. dryden , to the same , mr. dryden to mr. dennis , my lady c — to her cousin w. of the temple , after the had receiv'd a copy of verses on her beauty , mr. — at will 's coffee-house , to walter moyle , esq to mr. congreve , to mr. congreve , mr. congreve to mr. dennis , concerning hemour in comedy , to mr. congreve at tunbridge , mr. congreve's answer six love-letters to his charming but cruel mistress , by mr. — to . to walter moyle , esq at the back in cornwal , mr. — to mr. congreve , mr. congreve to mr. — to mr. congreve at tunbridge , mr. — to mr. dennis , to mr. dennis , to the same . familiar and courtly letters , written by mons. voiture , to persons of the greatest wit , honour and quality of both sex , in the court of france . made english by several eminent hands . to my lord cardinal de la velette . by mr. dryden . my lord , i am satisfy'd , that you old cardinals take more authority upon you , than those of the last promotion ; because having written many letters to you , without receiving one from you , yet you complain of my neglect . in the mean time , seeing so many well-bred men , who assure me that you do me too much honour to think of me at all ; and that i am bound to write to you , and to give my acknowledgments , i am resolved to take their counsel , and to pass over all sorts of difficulties and considerations of my own interest . this then will give you to understand , that six days after the eclipse , and a fortnight after my decease , madam the princess , mademoiselle de bourbon , madam du vigean , madam aubry , mademoiselle de rambouillet , mademoiselle paulet , monsieur de chaudebonne , and my self , left paris about six in the evening , and went to la barre , where madam du vigean was to give a collation to the princess . in our way thither we found nothing worth our observation ; but only that at ormesson , an english mastiff came up to the boot of the coach , to make his compliment to me . be pleased to take this along with you , my lord , that as often as i express my self in the plural number , as for example , we went , we found , or we beheld , 't is always to be understood , that i speak in the quality of a cardinal . from thence we happily arriv'd at la barre , and enter'd a hall , were we trod upon nothing but roses and orange-flowers . madam the princess , after she had sufficiently admir'd this magnificence , had a mind to see the walks before supper : the sun was then just sitting in a cloud of gold and azure , and gave us no larger a share of his beams , than to supply a soft and pleasing light : the air was not disturb'd either with wind or heat ; and it seem'd that heav'n and earth were conspiring with madam du vigean , in her treating the fairest princess upon earth . after she had passed through a great parterre , and gardens full of orange-trees , she arrived at the entrance of an enchanted wood , so thick and shady , that authors conclude the sun , since the day of his birth , never enter'd it , till now that he waited on her highness thither . at the end of an alley , which carried the fight out of distance , we sound a fountain , which alone cast up a greater quantity of water , than all those of tivoli together ; about it were plac'd four and twenty violins , which had much ado to make themselves be heard , for the rumbling of the streams in falling : when we were got near enough , we discover'd , in a cetain nich , within a pallisade , a diana , of about eleven or twelve years of age , and fairer than the forests of greece and thessaly had ever seen : she bore her bow and arrows in her eyes , and was encompas'd with all the glories of her brother . in another nich , not far distant , was another nymph , fair and gentle enough to pass for one of her train : those who are not given to believe fables , took them for mademoiselles de bourbon and la priande ; and to confess the truth , they resembled them exactly . all the company was in a profound silence , admiring so many different objects , which at once astonish'd their eyes and ears , when on a sudden the goddess leapt down from her nich , and with a grace , impossible to be describ'd , began a ball , which lasted for some time about the fountain . ` t was somewhat strange , my lord , that in the midst of so many pleasures , which were sufficient to engage the whole attention of their spirits , who enjoy'd them , yet we could not forbear to think of you ; and it was generally concluded , that something was wanting to our happiness , since neither you , nor madam de rambouillet were present . then i took up a harp and fung this spanish stanza , pues quiso mi suerte dura , que faltando mi sennor tambien faltasse mi dama . and continued the rest of the song so very melodiously , and with such an air of sadness , that there was not one of the company , but the tears came into their eyes , and they wept abundantly : their sorrow had endur'd much longer , had not the violins struck up a sarabrand , with great speed and presence of mind ; upon which the company got upon their feet , with as much gayety , as if nothing in the world had happen'd , and fell into the dance ; thus leaping , capring , turning round , and hopping , we returned to the house , where we found a table already spread , and serv'd as if it had been serv'd by fairies . this , my lord , is one passage of the adventure , which is so stupendous that no words are capable of expressing it : for there are neither colours of speech , nor figures in the art of rhetoric , which can describe six several sorts of potages , which were at once presented to the sight . and what was particularly remarkable , that there being none but goddesses , and two demi-gods at the table ( viz. ) monsieur chaudebonne and i , yet every one eat as heartily , and with as good appetites , as if we had been neither more nor less , than plain mortals . and to confess the truth , a better treat could not have been provided . amongst other things , there were twelve dishes , besides other eateables in disguise , which were never seen before on any human table ; and whose very names have never been so much as mention'd in any history . this circumstance , my lord , by some disastrous accident , has been related to madam la mareschalle — , and though immediatly upon it , she took twelve drams of opium , beyond her ordinany dose , yet she has never been able to close her eyes , from that fatal moment . during the first course , there was not so much as one single cup went round to your health ; the company was so intent upon the present affair ; and at the desert , we quite forgot it . i beg your permission , my lord , to relate all things as they pass'd , like a faithful historian as i am , and without flattery ; for i would not for the world , that posterity should mistake one thing for another ; and that at the end of two thousand years hence , or thereabouts , posterity should imagine your health was drunk , when really there was no such thing in nature . yet i must give this testimony to truth , that it was not for want of memory : for , during all supper-time , you were often mention'd ; all the ladies wish'd you there , and some of them very heartily , or i am much mistaken . as we rose from table , the sound of the violins summon'd us up stairs , where we found a chamber so gloriously lighted up , that it look'd as if the day , which was now below the earth , had retired hither , and was assembled in one body of light. here the ball began again , in better order and with more grace , than it had been danc'd about the fountain : and the most magnificent part of it , my lord , was , that i footed it there in person . mademoiselle de bourbon , i must confess , was of opinion , that i danc'd aukwardly ; but she concluded , to my advantage , that i must be allowed to fence well ; because , that at the end of every cadence , i put my self upon my guard : the ball continued with much pleasure till all of a sudden a great noise , which was heard without doors , caused the company to look out at the windows ; where , from a great wood , which was about three hundred paces from the house , we beheld so vast a number of fire-works issuing out , that we verily believ'd all the branches and trunks of the trees had been metamorphos'd into guns ; that all the stars were falling from the firmament , and that the element of fire was descending into the middle region of the air. here , my lord , are three hyperboles tack'd together , which being valued at a moderate price , are worth three dozen of fusees at the least . after we were recover'd out of this great fit of extasie , into which so many miracles had plung'd us , we resolved on our departure , and took the way to paris by the light of twenty flambeaux : we pass'd through all the ormessonnois , and the wide plains of espinay , without resistance , and went through the middle of st. dennis . being plac'd in the coach by the side of madam — i said a whole miserere to her , on your behalf ; to which she replied , with much gallantry , and no less civility . we sung in our journey a world of songs , roundeaux , roundelays , lampoons , and ballads ; and were now half a league beyond st. dennis , it being two a clock in the morning precisely ; the fatigue of the journey , watching , walking , and the painful exercise of the ball , having made me somewhat heavy , when there happen'd an accident , which i verily believ'd wou'd have been my total ruine : there is a certain little village , situate , say the geographers , betwixt paris and st. dennis , and vulgarly call'd , la valette : at our going out of this place , we overtook three coaches , in which were those numerical violins which had been playing to us . hereupon , sathan entring into the spirit of mademoiselle , she commanded them to follow us , and to give serenades all night long to the poor innocent people of paris , who were asleep and dreamt not of her malice : this diabolical proposition made my hair rise an end upon my head ; yet all the company pass'd a vote in favour of it ; and the word was just ready to be given , but by a signal providence , they had left their violins behind them at la barre ; for which the lord reward them . from hence , my lord , you may reasonably conclude , that mademoiselle is a dangerous person in the night , if ever there was any in the world : and that i had great reason at madam — 's house to say , that the violins ought to be turn'd out of doors , when that pestilent lady was in company . well , we continued our way happily enough , but only that as we enter'd the fauxbourgh , we met six lusty fellows , as naked as ever they were born , who passed directly by the coach , to the terror of the ladies . in fine , we arrived at paris ; and what i am now going to relate , is indeed prodigious : cou'd you imagine it , my lord ? the obscurity was so great , that it cover'd all that vast city ; and instead of what we left it , not full seven hours before , fill'd with noise , and with a crowd of men , women , horses , and coaches ; we now found nothing but a deep silence , a dismal desart , a frightful solitude , dispeopled streets , not meeting with any mortal man , but only certain animals , who fled from the lustre of our torches . but the remaining part of the adventure , you shall have , my lord , another time . as boyando tells you , qui e il sin del canto ; e torno ad orlando , adio signor , a voi me raccomando . to mademoiselle paulet . by mr. dennis . madam , so great a misfortune as mine , wanted no less consolation than that which i lately received from you ; and i look'd on your letter , as a pardon which heav'n granted me after my sentence : i can call by no other name , the news which oblig'd me to return to this place , and i can assure you that sentence of death is oftentimes less rigorous . but since , in the midst of all my misfortunes , i have the honour to be remember'd by you , to complain would be ill-becoming of me : for methinks he may dispence with the favours of fortune , who is happy enough to obtain yours . this is the reason that i shall make use of to comfort my self , for the necessity of remaining here , and not that which you urg'd in yours , that it is better to be an exile in a foreign land , than to be a prisoner in one's own country : for , alas ! you know but one half of my misery , if you are not convinc'd that i am both together ; and if you judge of the matter rightly , you will find that a thing , which seems very inconsistent , is to be found in me , which is to be banish'd from the same person by whom i am kept a prisoner . you will find it difficult to interpret this riddle , unless you call to mind , that i have always been us'd to mingle a dram of love in my letters : for , if as you say , i am allow'd some liberty here , of which i should be depriv'd in france ; i beseech you let it be that of assuring you , that there is a great deal of passion mix'd with the affection which i express for your service . i should indeed be ungrateful , if i should discover but an ordinary friendship for a person who does such extraordinary things for me ; and i am obliged to fall in love at least with your generosity . i have been acquainted what care a gentleman and a lady has taken to enquire of my welfare , which is an additional obligation to one whom they had extremely oblig'd before . for all the rest , they have seem'd buried in so profound a silence , that for six months together i have heard not the least mention of them . whether this comes from their forgetfulness or from their prudence , i am unable to determine : yet forgetfulness may be allow'd an excuse for silence , but a dumb remembrance is without defence . i leave you to conclude , madam , how much lustre this reflects upon what you have done for me , and how much i am oblig'd to you for a long letter at a time , when others have been afraid to send me their service . therefore let me assure you , that tho' i am unable to make suitable returns to such goodness , i esteem it at least , and extol it as it deserves , and that i am as much as a man can possibly be , madam , yours , &c. to monsieur de chaudebonne . i writ to you ten or twelve days ago , and return'd you thanks for the two letters , which i have at length received from you . if you were but sensible of the satisfaction they brought with them , you would be sorry for not having writ to me oftner , and for not frequently repeating the consolation , of which i had so much need . madrid , which is the agreeablest place in the world , for those who at once are lusty and libertines , is the most disconsolate , for those who are regular , or those who are indisposed . and in lent , which is the players vacation , i do not know so much as one pleasure that a man can enjoy with conscience . my melancholy here , and my want of company have produc'd a good effect in me ; for they have reconcil'd me to books , which i had for a time forsaken ; and being able to meet with no other pleasures , i have been forc'd to taste and to relish that of reading : prepare then to see me a philosopher as great as your self ; and consider how fast a man must come on , who for seven whole months has studied , or has been sick : for if one of the chief things that philosophy aims at , is a contempt of life ; the stone-colick is certainly the best of masters , and plato and socrates persuades us less efficaciously . it has lately read me a lecture , that lasted seventeen days , and which i shall not quickly forget ; and which has often made me consider how very feeble we are , since three grains of sand , are sufficient to cast us down . but if it determines me to any sect , it shall not at least be that which maintains that pain is not an evil ; and that he who is wise is at all times happy . but whatever befals me , i can neither be happy nor wise , without being near to you , and nothing can make me one or the other , so much as your presence or your example . yet am i very uncertain when i shall be able to leave this place , and expecting both money and men , which are coming by sea , and which are two things that do not always keep touch with us ; i apprehend my remaining here longer than i could wish ; therefore i make it my humble request to you , that you would not forget me so long as you have done , and that you would testifie , by doing me the honour of writing to me , that you are convinc'd of the real affection with which i am yours , &c. to monsieur de godeau . sir , you ought to give me time to recover our tongue , before you oblige me to write to you : for it appears to me to be something absurd , that i , who have been now so long a foreigner , and but just come from breathing the air of barbary , should presume to expose my letters , to one of the most eloquent men in france . this consideration has kept me silent till now . but tho' i forbear to answer your challenges , i cannot refuse to return your civilities : by these you have found a way to vanquish me , in spight of all my evasions : in my present condition it is more reputable to you , to conquer me this way , than to overcome me by force : you would have acquir'd but small glory by vigorously attacking a man , who is already driven to extreamity , and to whom fortune has given so many blows , that the least may fatisfie to over-whelm him . amidst the darkness in which she hath plac'd us , we can have no defence ; but here all our art and our skill in parring are useless . the case perhaps might be otherwise , if you had set before my eyes the sun of which you make mention ; and as dejected as you see me now , i should grow daring enough to enter the lists against you , if the light of that were divided between us equally . 't is more to have that alone on your side , than all the rest of heav'n . the beauties which sparkle in all that you do , are only deriv'd from hers , and it is the influence of her rays on you , which produces so many flowers . nothing can ever appear more lively , than those which you scatter on every thing that comes from you . i have seen them upon the ocean's extreamest shores , and in places where nature cannot produce , no , not one blade of grass . i have receiv'd nosegays of them , which made me meet in desarts , with the choicest delicacies of greece and of fruitful italy : and tho' they had been carried four hundred leagues , neither the length of way , nor of time had in the least diminished their lustre . they are indeed immortal and cannot decay , and so vastly different from all terrestrial productions , that it is with a great deal of justice , that you have offer'd them up to heaven ; for altars alone are worthy of them . believe me , sir , in what i am saying , i speak but my real sentiments ; when my curiosity , as you say , had oblig'd me to pass the bounds of the ancient world , to find out rare and surprising objects , your works were the wonderfullest things that i saw , and africa could show me nothing more new , and no more extraordinary sight . reading them under the shade of its palms , i wish'd you crown'd with them all ; and at the very time that i saw , that i had gone beyond hercules , i found i came short of you . all this , which was capable of producing envy in any man's soul but mine , fill'd mine with so much esteem and affection , that you then took the place there , which you are now desiring , and perfectly finish'd what you think you are still to begin . after the knowledge which i have bad of you , how can i form such an image of you , as you are willing to give me ? how can i fancy you to be that little creature you say you are ? how could i comprehend that heaven could place such mighty things in so small a space ? when i give my imagination a loose , it gives you four yards at least , and represents you of the stature of men engendered by angels . yet i shall be very glad to find that it is as you would have me believe . amongst the rest of the advantages , which i expect to derive from you , i am in hopes that you will bring our stature into some credit , and that it is ours which henceforward will be accounted the noblest ; and that by you , we shall be exalted above those who believe themselves higher than we . as we pour the most exquisite essences into the smallest bottles , nature infuseth the divinest souls into the smallest bodies , and mixes more or less of matter with them , as they have more or less in them of their almighty original . she seems to place the most shining souls , as jewelers set the most sparkling stones , who make use of as little gold as they can with them , and no more than just suffices to bind them . by you the world will be undeceiv'd of that sottish errour of valuing men by their weight , and my littleness with which i have been so often upbraided by madamoiselle de rambouillet , for the future may recommend me to her . for what remains , the affection is very just , which you tell me , she has for you , and with her , six more of the loveliest creatures that illustrate the light. but i wonder that you should think to get mine by such a discovery ; and to gain it by the very means , which were sufficient to make you lose it . you had need to have a high opinion of my goodness , to believe that i can love a man who enjoys my right , and who has obtain'd the consiscation of my most valued possessions : but yet i am so just , that even this shall be no impediment , and i believe you to have so much justice on your side , that i do not despair but that we may accommodate ev'n this matter between us . they may very well have given you my place without your putting me out of it , and my room in their hearts was but very small , if it cannot contain us both . as for my part , i shall do my utmost , that i may not incommode you there ; and shall take care to take up my station so that we may not clash , since so powerful an interest cannot make me cease to be yours , you may believe , that in spight of the worst of accidents , i shall be eternally yours , &c. billet from madam de saintot , to monsieur de voiture . i have promis'd to bestow you , for a gallant , upon two fine women , my friends . i am confident that you will not find the exploit too many for you , and do not doubt but that you will confirm my promise , as soon as you have but seen them . the answer of monsieur de voiture . let me see what i love as soon as you can : for i die with impatience till that happy moment . and since , at your command , i have fallen in love , it behoves you to take some care that i am belov'd too . i have thought all night upon the two ladies that — in short , upon you know whom . i write this billet to one of them ; deliver it , i beseech you , to her , whom you believe that i love the more passionately of the two . in acknowledgment of the good offices which i receive from you , i assure you , that you shall always dispose of my affections ; and that i will never love any one so much as your self , till i am convinc'd that you have in good earnest a mind that i should . to his unknown mistress . was there ever so extraordinary a passion , as that which i have for you ? for my part , i do not know any thing of you ; and , to my knowledge i never so much as heard of you : and yet , i gad , i am desperately in love with you ; and it is now a whole day , since i have sigh'd , and look'd silly , and languish'd , and dy'd , and all that for you . without having even seen your face , i am taken with its beauty ; and am charm'd with your wit , tho' i never have heard one syllable of it . i am ravish'd with your every action , and i fancy in you a kind of i know not what , that makes me passionately in love with i know not whom . sometimes i fancy you fair , and at other times black ; now you appear tall to me , by and by short ; now with a nose of the roman shape , and anon with a nose turn'd up : but in whatever form i describe you , you appear the loveliest of creatures to me ; and though i am ignorant what sort of beauty yours is , i am ready to pawn my soul , that it is the most bewitching of all of them . if it be your luck to know me as little , and to love me as much , then thanks be to love , and the stars . but lest you should a little impose upon your self , in fancying me a tall fair fellow , and so be surpriz'd at the sight of me , i care not for once , if i venture to send you my picture : my stature is three inches below the middle one ; my head appears tolerable enough , and is decently set off with a large grey head of hair ; then with eyes that languish a little , yet are something hagard ; i have a sort of a cudden cast of a face : but in requital , one of your friends will tell you , that i am the honestest fellow in the world ; and that for loving faithfully in five or six places at a time , there is no man alive comes near me . if you think that all this will accomodate you , it shall be at your service as soon as i see you : till that long long'd for time , i shall think of you ; that is , of i know not whom . but if any one should chance to ask me for whom i sigh , don't be afraid , i warrant to keep the secret ; i would fain see any one catch me at naming you to him . to mademoiselle paulet . madam , there was only one thing wanting to your adventures , and that was to be a prisoner of state ; i have given you here the happy occasion of being such : fortune , who has omitted no opportunity of bringing you into play , will , in all probability , make her advantage of this . i know very well that i bring you into danger by writing to you ; yet cannot even that reflection restrain me . from whence you may conclude , that there is no risk which i would refuse to run , to refresh your remembrance of me , since i can resolve to endanger even you , you who are dear and valuable above all the rest of the world to me . i tell you this , madam , at a time , when i would not lye , no , not in a compliment : for i would have you to know , that i am much the better for the distemper which i have lately had : it has caused me to assume such good resolutions , that if i had them not , i could be contented to purchase them with all my health . i plainly foresee , that this will but divert you , you who are conscious to so much of my weakness ; and who will never believe that i can keep single resolutions , i who have broken so many vows ; yet nothing is more certain than that i have hitherto beheld the spanish beauties with as much indifference , as i did the flemish at brussels ; and i hope to grow a convert in the very place of the world in which the tempter is strongest , and where the devil resumes as glorious shapes as what he put off when he fell . the reformation is so great in me , that i have but one scruple remaining , which is , that i think too often of you ; and that i desire to see you again with a little too much impatience . i , who have moderated the rest of my passions , have been unable to reduce that which i have for you , to the measure with which we are permitted to love our neighbours ; that is to say , as much as we do ourselves ; and i fear you have a larger share in my soul , than i ought to allow a creature . look out , i beseech you , for a remedy for this , or rather for an excuse for it ; for as for a remedy , i believe there is none , and that i must be always , with utmost passion , madam , yours . to the marchioness of rambouillet ; in answer to a letter of thanks of hers . madam , tho' my liberality should , as you tell me , surpass the bounty of alexander , it would nevertheless be richly recompens'd , by the thanks which you have return'd me for it . he himself , as boundless as his ambition was , would have confin'd it to so rare a favour . he would have set more value upon this honour , than he did on the persian diadem ; and he would never have envied achilles the praise which he received from homer , if he could but himself have obtain'd yours . thus , madam , on this pinacle of glory on which i stand , if i bear any envy to his , 't is not so much to that which he acquir'd himself , as to that which you have bestow'd upon him , and he has received no honours , which i do not hold inferior to mine , unless it be that which you did him , when you declar'd him your gallant . neither his vanity , nor the rest of his flatterers , could ever persuade him to believe any thing that was so advantageous to him , and the quality of son of jupitur hammon , was by much less glorious to him than this . but if any thing comforts me for the jealousie which it has rais'd in me , 't is this , madam , that knowing you as well as i know you , i am very well assur'd , that if you have done him this honour , 't is not so much upon the account of his having been the greatest of mankind , as of his having been now these two thousand years no more . however , we here find cause to admire the greatness of his fortune , which not being able yet to forsake him so many years after his death , has added to his conquests a person that gives them more lustre than the daughters and wife of darius ; and which has gain'd him a mind more great than the world he conquer'd . i ought here to be afraid , after your example of writing , in too lofty a style : but how can the writer be too sublime who writes of you , and of alexander ? i humbly beseech you , madam , to believe that i have equal passion for you , with that which you shew for him ; and that the admiration of your virtues will oblige me to be always , madam , yours , &c. an imitation of monsieur de voiture's letter to mademoiselle de rambouillet : being an answer to that by which she had inform'd him , who was then with monsieur in exile , that the academy designed to abolish the particle car , [ for. ] that the reader may be diverted with this letter , he is desir'd to suppose , that there is a club of wits erected in london , for the regulation of the tongue , who have a design to abolish it . madam , for , being of so great importace in our tongue as it is , i extreamly approve of the resentment you shew for the wrong they design to do it ; and i must needs declare , that i expect no good from this club of wits , which you mention , since they are resolved to establish themselves by so great an oppression : even at a time like this , when fortune is acting her tragedies throughout all europe . i can behold nothing so deserving of pity , as when i see they are ready to arraign and to banish a word , which has so faithfully serv'd this monarchy ; and which , amidst all our english confusions , has always been of the side of those who were truly english. for my part , i cannot for my heart comprehend , what reason they can alledge against a word , whose only business is to go before reason , and which has no other employment than to usher it in . i cannot imagine what interest can oblige them , to take away that which belongs to for , to give it to because that ; nor why they have a mind , to say with three syllables , that which they say with three letters . that which i am afraid of , madam , is this , that after they have been guilty of this one injustice , they will not scruple at more ; perhaps they may have the impudence to attack but , and who knows if if may be any longer secure . so that , after they have depriv'd us of all those words , whose business it is to bring others together , the wits will reduce us to the language of angels ; or , if they cannot do that , they will at least oblige us to speak only by signs : and here i must confess , that your observation is true , viz. that no example can more clearly shew us the instability of humane affairs . he who had told me some years ago , that i should have out-liv'd for , i had thought had promis'd me a longer life than the patriarchs . and yet we see that after he has mentain'd himself for some hundreds of years , in full force and authority , after he has been employ'd in the most important treaties , and has assisted in the councils of our kings with honour , he is all of a sudden fallen into disgrace , and threatned with a violent end. i now expect nothing less , than to be terrify'd with lamentable cries in the air , declaring to the world , that the great for is dead : for the death of the great cam , or of the great pan , was , in my mind , less important . i know if we consult one of the finest wits of the age , and one whom i esteem with passion , he will tell us , that 't is our duty to condemn an innovation like this , that we ought to use the for of our fathers , as well as their sun and their soil , and that we should by no means banish a word , which was in the mouths of our edwards and of our henries . but you , madam , are the person , who are principally oblig'd to undertake his protection : for since the supreme grace , and the sovereign beauty of the english tongue lies in yours , you ought to command here with an absolute sway , and with a smile or a frown , give life or give death to syllables , as uncontroul'd as you do to men. for this , i believe you have already secur'd it , from the imminent danger which threatned it , and by vouchsafing it a place in your letter , have fix'd it in a sanctuary and a mansion of glory , to which neither envy nor time can reach . but here , madam , i beg leave to assure you , that i could not but be surpriz'd to see how fantastick your favours are , i could not but think it strange , that you , who without compassion could see a thousand lovers expire , should not have the heart to see a syllable die . if you had but had half the care of me , which you have shewn of for , i should then have been happy in spight of ill fortune : then poverty , exile , and grief would scarce have had force to come near me . if you had not deliver'd me from these evils themselves , you had freed me at least from the sence of them . but at a time that i expected to receive consolation from yours , i found that your kindness was only design'd to for , and that his banishment troubled you more than ours . i must confess , madam , it is but just , you should undertake his defence ; but you ought to have taken some care of me too , that people might not object to you , that you forsake your friends for a word . you make no answer at all to that which i writ about ; you take not the least notice of that which so much concerns me : in three or four pages you scarce remember me once ; and the reason of this is for : be pleased to consider me a little more for the future , and when you undertake the defence of the afflicted , remember that i am of the number . i shall always make use of him himself to oblige you to grant me this favour , and to convince you that it is but my due ; for i am , &c. to the duke of enguien , upon his taking of dunkirk . i am so far from wondring that you have taken dunkirk , that i believe you cou'd take the moon by the teeth , if you did but once attempt it . nothing can be impossible to you : i am only uneasie about what i shall say to your highness on this occasion , and am thinking by what extraordinary terms i may bring you to reach my conceptions of you . indeed , my lord , in that height of glory , to which you have now attain'd , the honour of your eavour is a singular happiness ; but it is a troublesome thing to us writers , who are obliged to congratulate you upon every good success , to be perpetually upon the hunt for words whose force may answer your actions , and to be ev'ry day inventing of new panegyricks . if you would but have the goodness to suffer your self to be beat sometime , or to rise from before some town , the variety of the matter might help to support us , and we should find out some fine thing or other to say to you , upon the inconstancy of fortune , and the glory that is gotten by bearing her malice bravely . but having , from the very first of your actions , rank'd you equal with alexander , and finding you rising upon us continually ; upon my word , my lord , we are at a loss what to do , either with you or our selves . nothing that we can say , can come up to that which you do , and the very flights of our fancy flag below you . eloquence , which magnifies smallest things , cannot reach the height of those which you do ; no , not by its boldest figures . and that which is call'd hyperbole on other occasions , is but a cold way of speaking when it comes to be applyed to you . indeed it is different to comprehend , how your highness each summer has 〈◊〉 found out means to augment that glory , which every winter seem'd at its full perfection ; and that having begun so greatly , and gone on more greatly , still your last actions should crown the rest , and be found the most amazing . for my own part , my lord , i congratulate your success , as i am in duty oblig'd ; but i plainly foresee , the very thing that augments your reputation with us , may prejudice that which you expect from after ages ; and that so many great and important actions , done in so short a space , may render your life incredible to future times , and make your history be thought a romance by posterity . be pleas'd then , my lord , to set some bounds to your victories , if it be only to accommodate your self to the capacity of human reason , and not to go further than common belief can follow you . be contented to be quiet and secure , at least for a time , and suffer france , which is eternally alarm'd for your safety , to enjoy serenely , for a few months , the glory which you have acquir'd for her . in the mean time , i beseech you to believe , that among so many millions of men who admire you , and who continually pray for you , there is not one who does it , with so much joy , with so much zeal and veneration , as i , who am , my lord , your highness's , &c. to the duke of euguien ( afterwards the great prince of conde ) upon his gaining the battle of rocroy . my lord , at a time that i am so far remov'd from your highness , that you cannot possibly lay your commands upon me , i am fully resolv'd to speak freely my mind to you , which i have so long been oblig'd to disguise , left it should bring me into the same inconvenience , with those , who before me , have taken the like liberties with you . but let me tell you , my lord , you have done too much , to let it pass without taking notice of it ; and you are unreasonable if you think to behave your self as you do , without being loudly told of it . if you did but know how strangely all paris talks of you , i am very confident that you would be asham'd of it ; and you could not without confusion hear , with how little respect , and how little fear of displeasing you , all the world presumes to discourse of what you have done . i must confess , my lord , i wonder what you could mean : you have shewn your self bold with a vengeance , and violent to the last degree , in putting such an affront upon two or three old captains , whom you ought to have respected , if it had been only for their antiquity : in killing the poor count de la fountaine , who was the very best man in the low-countries ; in taking sixteen pieces of cannon , the proper goods of the king's unkle , and the queen 's own brother ; and in confounding the spanish troops , after they had shewn so much goodness in letting you pass . i heard indeed , you are obstinate as a devil , and that it was not to much purpose to dispute about any thing with you : but yet i never thought , that your heat wou'd have transported you so far . if you go on at the rate you have begun , you will shortly grow intollerable , i assure you , to all europe , and neither the emperor nor the king of spain will either of them be able to endure you . but now , my lord , laying the man of conscience aside , and resuming the man of state : i felicitate your highness for the victory i hear you have gain'd , the most compleat , and the most important , which has happen'd in our age. france , which you have shelter'd from all the storms that it dreaded , is amaz'd to see that you have begun your life with an action , with which caesar would gladly have crown'd his own , and which alone , reflects more lustre upon the kings your progenitors , than all theirs have transferred to you . well , my lord , you have verified what has been formerly said , that virtue comes to the caesars preventing time : for you , who are a true caesar , both in wit and in knowledge ; caesar in diligence and in vigilance ; in courage caesar , and per omnes casus casar ; you have out-run the hopes , and surpass'd the expectation of men ; you have clearly shewn that experience is necessary to none but ordinary souls ; that the virtue of heroes comes by a more compendious way , and that the works of heaven are finish'd when but begun . after this i leave you to judge , how you are like to be receiv'd and carress'd by the lords of the court , and with what pleasure the ladies heard , that he whom they had seen triumphant in balls , had been victorious in armies ; and that the finest head of all france , was likewise the best and the strongest . there is not a man ev'n to mounsieur beaumont , who does not declaim in your praise . they who had revolted against you , are now reduced ; and they who complain'd that you were always laughing , have been forced to confess , that you have shown your self now in good earnest ; and ev'ry one 's afraid of being of the number of your enemies , since you have defeated such multitudes of them . pardon , o caesar , the liberty which i have taken ; receive the praise that is due to you ; and permit us to render to caesar , that which is due to caesar . to monsieur de balzac . sir , if it be true that i have always kept the rank , which you tell me i have held in your memory : methinks you have shewn but an indifferent concern for my satisfaction , in delaying so long to impart the pleasing news to me , and in suffering me so long to be the happiest of men , without dreaming i was so . but perhaps you were of opinion , that this very good fortune , was so infinitely above any thing that i could in reason hope for , that it was necessary you should take time to invent arguments , which might render it credible , and that you had an occasion to employ all the power of rhetorick to perswade me , that you had not forgot me . and thus far at least i must needs confess , that you have been very just , that resolving to let me have nothing but words for all the affection you owe me , the choice which you have made of them , has been so rich , and so beautiful , that , let me die , if i believe the thing they assure me of would be of greater value : this , at least , i 'm sure of , that they would suffice to counterballance any friendship but mine . i am only discontented at one thing , and that is , that so much artifice and so much eloquence , should not be able to disguise the truth from me ; and that in this , i should resemble your own shepherdesses , who are too silly to be beguiled by a man of wit. but indeed , you must excuse me if i am something inclin'd to suspect an art , which could invent commendations for a quartan ague , and an art which you have at more command than ever man had before you . all those graces , and that air of the court , which i so much admire in yours , convince me rather of the excellence of your wit , than of the goodness of your will. and from all the fine things which you have said in my favour , all that i can conclude , ev'n when i am inclin'd to flatter my self , is , that fortune has been pleas'd to give me a place in your dreams : nay , i know not if the very extravagancies of a soul so exalted as yours , are not too serious , and too reasonable , to descend so low as to me . and i shall esteem my self too obligingly us'd by you , if you have but so much as dreamt that you love me . for to imagine , that you have reserv'd a place for me amidst those sublime thoughts , which are , at present , employed , in recompensing the virtues of all the world , and distributing shares of glory to mankind ; to imagine this , would be extream presumption in me . i have too great an opinion of your understanding , to believe that you could be guilty of any thing that is so much below you ; and i should be unwilling , that your enemies should have that to object to you . i am perfectly satisfied , that the only affection which you can have justly for any one , is that which you owe to your self ; and that precept of studying one's self , which is a lesson of humility to all besides you , ought to have a contrary effect in relation to you , and oblige you to contemn , whatever you find without you . and therefore here let me swear to you , that without pretending to any share in your affection , i should have been very well satisfied , if you had preserv'd , with never so little care , the friendship which i have vowed eternally to have for you , and to have placed it , if not amongst the things which you value , at least amongst those which you are not forward to lose . but in leaving me here with that lovely rival , of whom you made mention of in yours , you have shewn , let me tell you , too little jealousie , and you have suffer'd her to gain so much advantage of you , that i have reason to suspect that you have conspir'd with her , to do me a mischief . and therefore i have more reason than you to complain , that she has enrich'd your self by your losses , and that you have suffer'd her to get into her power , that which i thought to have secur'd from her tyranny , by entrusting it in your hands . if you had been willing to have made never so little defence , the better part of my self , had yet been our own ; but you , by your negligence , have suffer'd her to surprize it ; and to advance her conquest at such a rate over me , that tho' i shou'd surrender to you , all that remains of me , you wou'd not have so much as one half of that which you have lost . nevertheless , let me assure you , that you have gain'd , in my esteem , as much as you have lost in my affection ; and that at the very time that i was beginning to love you less , i was forced to honour you more . i have seen nothing of yours since your departure , which does not go beyond all that you had done before : and by your last works , you have the honour of excelling him who surpass'd all others . it cannot therefore but appear strange , that when you have so much reason to be contented , you should yet be complaining , and that you your self should be the only great man who remains dissatisfied with you . at present all france is listening to you , and you are indifferent to no man , who has but learnt to read. all who are concern'd for the honour of their country , are not more inquisitive after what the mareschal de crequi is doing , than they are after what is doing by you . and you are the person who can make more noise in your solitude , than the most happy and most renown'd of our generals , at the head of forty thousand men. can you wonder then , that with so much glory , you should be obnoxious to envy ; and that the very same judges with whom scipio was criminal , and who condemn'd aristides and socrates , should not unanimously do justice to your desert ? the people can plead prescription for hating the very qualities which they admire in any one . every thing which transcends 'em , they think affronts 'em ; and they can better bear with a common vice , than an extraordinary virtue . so that if that law was in force amongst us , of banishing the most powerful for authority or reputation , i make no doubt , but that you would stand the mark of the publick envy : and i believe ev'n cardinal richlieu would not run greater hazard . but , for god sake , have a care of calling that your misfortune , which is but that of the age : and complain no more of the injustice of men , since all , who have worth , are of your side ; and that amongst them , you have found a friend , whom yet , perhaps , you may lose once more : at least , i shall do my utmost to put you into a condition of doing so . for every man's darling vanity , at present , is to be accounted yours . for my own part , i have always in so publick a manner profess'd my self so , that if thro' ill fortune i should not be able to love you so much as i have done , yet here let me swear to you , that you shall be the only man to whom i will dare to declare it ; and that i will always own my self to the rest of the world , to be as much as ever , yours , &c. to the marquess of pisani , who had lost all his money and his baggage , at the siege of thionville . the character of the marquess of pisani , was a man of honour , generosity , and courage ; but an extravagant , ignorant , obstinate , disputing gamester . sir , the man would be to blame , or i have been very much misinform'd , who should upbraid you with having had the mules to keep , at your camp of thionville : the devil a mule have you kept there , sir. they tell me , that upon the weighty consideration , that several armies have been formerly lost by their baggage ; you have made all possible haste to be disencumber'd of yours . and that having often read in the roman histories , ( this it is to be such a man of reading , look you ) that the greatest exploits that were done by their cavalry , were done on foot , after having voluntarily dismounted in the extreamity of the most doubtful battles , you took a resolution to dispatch away all your horses , and have manag'd matters so swingingly , that you have not so much as one left . and now , the important person stands on his own legs . perhaps , you may receive some small inconvenience from this : but let me die , if it be not much for your honour , that you , as well as bias , honest old bias , i warrent you know him so wonderous well , should be able to say , that you carry all that is yours about you . no great quantity i must confess of foppish accoutrements , nor a long train of led-horses , nor abundance of that which they call the ready ; but probity , generosity , magnanimity , constancy in dangers , obstinacy in disputes ; a contempt of all foreign languages , ignorance of false dice , and a surprising tranquillity upon the loss of transitory things : qualities , sir , which are properly and essentially yours ; and of which neither time nor fortune can ever deprive you . now as euripides , who was , as you know , or as you know not , one of the gravest authors of greece , writes in one of his tragedies , that money was one of the evils , and one of the most pernicious ones , that slew from pandora's box ; i admire , as a divine quality in you , the incompatibility which you shew for it , and look upon it to be a distinguishing mark of a great and extraordinary soul , that you are uneasie till you are rid of this corrupter of reason , this pois'ner of souls , this author of so much disorder , of so much injustice , and of so many violences . yet , i could heartily wish , that your virtue were not arriv'd at such an extraordinary pitch , and that you could be brought to some accommodation with this enemy of human kind , and that you might be persuaded to make peace with it , as we do with the great turk , for politick reasons , and the advantage of commerce . now upon consideration , that it is a difficult matter to be much at one's ease without it , and fancying that as i play'd for you at narbonne , you threw for me at thionville ; and that it is perhaps in my name , that you have pack'd off your baggage , i here send you a hundred pistols at present in part of payment ; and , that these may not meet with the same fate which befel their predecessors , i desire you not to defile your hands with them , but to deliver them to the french gentlemen who are with you , for whose sake i chiefly remit them . i am , &c. the end of mr. dennis's translation . to mademoiselle de burbon , a relation of the author 's being toss'd in a blanket . by tho. cheek , esq. madam , last friday in the afternoon i was toss'd in a blanket ; because i had not made you laugh in the time that was given me : madam de rambouillet pronounc'd the sentence , at the request of her daughter , and mademoiselle paulet . they had deferr'd the execution to the return of the princess , and your self ; but they bethought themselves afterwards , not to delay it any longer ; and that it was very improper to put off punishment to a time , which ought to be wholly devoted to pleasure . 't was in vain to cry out , and make resistance , the blanket was brought , and four of the lustiest fellows they cou'd get , were pick'd out for this service . i may venture to affirm to you , madam , that no man was ever yet in so exalted a condition as i was , and i did not believe that fortune wou'd ever have raised me so high ; at every toss they threw me out of sight , and sent me higher than a soaring eagle . i saw the mountains crouching far below me , the winds and clouds travel beneath my feet , discover'd countries that i n'ver had seen , and seas i n'ver had thought of . there can be nothing more diverting , than to see so many things all at once , and to discover half the globe at one view . but i assure you , madam , all this cannot be seen without some disturbance ; when one is in the air , and certain of falling down again , that which frightned me the most was , that , when i was very high , looking downwards , the blanket appear'd so small that i thought it impossible to fall into it ; and that i confess was some trouble to me : but , among so many different objects , which at the same time struck my sight , there was one which for some moments took away my fear , and touch'd me with real pleasure : it is this , madam , being desirous to look towards piedmont to see what pass'd there , i saw you at lyons , as you cross'd the saone ; at least , i saw a great light upon the water , and abundance of rays about the most charming face in the world : i cou'd not well discern who was with you , because at that time my head was lower-most ; and i believe you did not see me , for you look'd another way ; i made signs to you as well as i could : but as you began to look up , i fell down again , and one of the tops of the mountain tarara hindred you from seeing me : as soon as i came down , i told 'em that i had seen you , and , as i was going to tell 'em how you did , they all fell a laughing as if 't were a thing impossible , and immediately began to make me leap higher than before . there happen'd to me a very strange accident , which will seem incredible to those who have not seen it : one time when they had toss'd me to a very great height , in coming down , i found my self in a cloud , which being very thick , and i extremely light , i was a great while intangled in it , before i could fall down again ; so that they stayed a long time below , spreading the blanket and looking up without being able to imagine what was become of me . by good luck there was no wind stirring , for if there had , the cloud in marching would have carried me of one side or t'other , and so i must have inevitably fallen to the ground , which could not have happen'd without hurting me very much . but a more dangerous accident succeeded this , the last time they threw me into the air , i found my self amongst a flock of cranes , who at first were mightily surprized to see me so high ; but when they came near me , they took me for a pigmy , with whom , you know madam , they have perpetual war , and thought i came to 'em as a spy into the middle region ; immediately they fell upon me with great strokes of their beaks , and with such violence , that i imagin'd my self struck with a hundred daggers . and one of them , that had taken me by the leg , pursu'd me so furiously , that she did not leave me till i was in the blanket . this made my tormentors afraid to send me back to the mercy of my enemies ; who were now got together in great numbers , and hover'd in the air expecting me again . at last they carried me home again in the same blanket , but so dispirited as never man was : to tell you the truth , this exercise is a little too violent for one of my tender constitution . i leave it to you , madam , to judge how cruelly i have been dealt with , and for how many reasons you are obliged to condemn this action ; and to deal plainly with you , you that are born with so many commanding qualities , should think it of the highest consequence to begin betimes to hate injustice , and to take those that are oppress'd into your protection : i beseech you then , madam , in the first place , to declare this an outrage you by no means approve ; and for reparation of my honour , and my strength , to order a great canopy of gause , to be set up for me in the blew chamber of the house of rambouillet , where i shall be waited on , and magnificently entertain'd for a whole week , by the two ladies who were the cause of this misfortune ; that at one corner of the room they shall be continually making sweet-meats ; one of 'em shall blow the fire , and t'other shall do nothing else but put syrrup upon plates to cool , and bring it me as often as i have occasion . thus , madam , you will do a deed of justice , worthy of so great and beautiful a princess , and i shall be obliged to be with the utmost sincerity and respect , to madam de rambouillet . by joseph raphson , esq madam , how threatning soever your letter be , i could not chuse but admire its beauty , and wonder how you could joyn the obliging and the terrible stile with so much artifice together . you make me think of the gold and azure we find on the skins of our snakes , you do as it were enamel the sharpest reflections , with the liveliest colours of eloquence ; and , in reading them , i cannot forbear to be pleased with those very things which most affright me . you soon began to be as good as your word , when you told me that you would no longer smile , then fortune frown'd on me : in the same minute she seems to have granted me a little repose , you begin to disquiet me , and shew me , that tho' i have escaped the dangers of the seas and pyrates , i am not yet in safety , and that you are more dreadful than they . i could not have thought , madam , that for having refused a quarrel with your dwarf , i should have contracted one with yourself , nor that i should be obliged to answer a challenge , because i did a complement : if you think i fail'd in that , you ought rather to call it respect and fear , than contempt ; and believe that the same creature who difarm'd monsieur de m — of his sword , made my pen fall from my hand . altho' he might have some reason to complain , yet you had none to take his part against me ; and if you wish me ill for his sake , i may justly say you quarrel with me on the least occasion in the world. if you are resolved to persecute me , all the excuses i can alledge will signifie nothing ; and i can only wonder you take so much pains to find a pretence for it . it will be no advantage to me , to have come so far thro' so many dangers ; i shall find algiers , where-ever you are ; and tho' i am in brussels , yet i was never so near captivity , or being shipwrack'd . however , don't perswade your self , madam , that the flames of those animals wherewith you threaten me , can make me afraid . i have long since learnt to defend my self from those sorts of mischiefs ; and whatever you can say , i am more apprehensive of death from you eyes , than your hands . among all the passages of your letter , which seems to me admirable in all its parts , i take particular notice of what you say , how great a pleasure it wou'd have been to you , if i had been taken by the pyrates ; i can't but attribute it to your extraordinary goodness , that you cou'd wish i had been two or three years chain'd to an oar in the turkish gallies , that somy voyage might have been more diversified . 't was an ingenious curiosity , to desire to know how i could look after and dress the camels of barbary , and with what unshaken constancy i could bear bastinado's ! after the rate you talk , i suppose you would have been glad , if i had been empal'd for half an hour , to have satisfied you how it felt , and what i thought of it : but that which is yet more considerable , these kind wishes , you say , you bestow'd upon me , after you had reassum'd the mild form of woman , and were somewhat appeas'd , and become more humane ; neither can i any more reconcile to justice the quarrel you would pick with me about alcidalis : judge , madam , if being embark'd in the same seas with him , and in the same dangers , i could forget those perils which i suffered , to recount those he had gone through ; and while i lay under my own misfortunes , if i could amuse my self to write a history of his ? notwithstanding i did not omit it in the midst of my troubles , i writ above a hundred sheets of his history , and took a particular care of his life , at a time when i can swear to you , i had none of my own . but don't thence , madam , make an estimate of the care i take to please my friends . after i have render'd you all the imaginable services i can , those shadows can only shew you the least part of the passion i have for your concerns . if you would know that , consider it rather in the cause than in the effects . but your imagination , how lively and wonderful soever it is , falls short of that ; and if there is any thing in the whole world greater then your soul , and which is beyond its comprehension , it is the respect , affection , and esteem it has bred in mine . being no less sensible to acknowledge the obligations i owe to other excellent persons , you 'll think that the letter i receiv'd at the same time with yours , brought me an infinite satisfaction , as well as an extreme honour . you knew better than any other , the inclination and respect i have always had for the merits of the person who writ it , and you may remember in the time of the civil wars between you two , i have sometimes left your part to take his . but this last goodness of his has gained something afresh in my heart ; and since i have receiv'd it , pardon me , if you please , that i have esteem'd him for some moments above any other person in the world : but that you may not think , madam , that it is you who have procured me all the favours i receive from him , i assure you that on another occasion very lately he has done me a piece of service , without your being privy to it : altho' it is none of those i take the most pleasure in receiving , and it has given me a new subject of reflecting on my ill fortune , yet i esteem it a great honour to owe obligations to him , which i should be ashamed to do to any other , and i am glad to receive any marks of his generosity . he 'll swear , when you speak to him of it , he knows not what you mean ; and methinks i now see him telling you so : but you know his humour and temper , never to forget to do a good action , and never to remember it when it is done . since the honour of your esteem for me , has been the first motive to establish me in his favour , i humbly beg , madam , your assistance to return him those thanks i owe him , and that way to pay him at least as far as i can at present . i a thousand times kiss the feet of that incomparable person who was pleased to write with her own hand the superscription of the letter you sent me , and with four or five words , render that present inestimable , which was extraordinary precious before . you have a great deal of reason to call her the most charming and agreeable person in the world , who can relieve the distressed at such a distance . i with that she , who so well knows how to manage it , may once have all the happiness due to so much goodness , beauty and vertue together , tho' i know this wish is very extensive . i hear that the lady , which i used to call the morning-star , is become greater and more admirable than ever , and that it at the same time enlightens and burns all france ; although its beams scarce reach the dark shades where we live , yet its reputation does , and as far as i can understand , the sun is not so bright as it . i am glad the intelligence that animates it , has lost nothing of its force and light , and that there is nothing but the soul of madamoiselle de bourbon , that can make us doubt , whether her beauty is not the most perfect thing in the world. the manner , as i have seen in one of your letters , she condoles me in , appears admirably fine : indeed so many crosses i have met with , ought to stir up pity in her ; in her , i say , who is so well acquainted with my weakness , and who knows that from my cradle , i have not had one day of repose . it has been disturbed at the postscript of your letter addressed to king chiquito . in the hell of anastarax i found mine ; and there i wandered three nights and days , without seeing a jot of any thing . i am very sorry for it , for i desired above any thing in the world to have the comb of king georgia ; i have had a mind to it above these two years . but since you pretend to so much guessing , imagine if you please , madam , all i would farther say , if i durst make my letter longer . guess how much more i honour and esteem , you than i did two years ago ; and think with how much passion i am , madamoiselle , yours , &c. brussels . to the cardinal de la valette . by the same hand . my lord , i am apt to believe , when you writ me the letter , you were pleased to honour me with , that you thought the esteem i have always had for you , has acquired you some reputation in the world : that on all occasions , i had given you infinite testimonies of the honor of my friendship , and had for that reason lent you two thousand crowns on an extraordinary occasion ; and that at such a time when all your credit fail'd you else-where ; at such a juncture too , that otherwise your reputation must have for ever sunk . at least , after the rate you return your thanks , and speak of your self , and me , i have reason to believe , that in a dream , you have mistook the one for the other , and put your self in my place . otherwise , my lord , you would not write after that manner you do , unless , perhaps you are of opinion , that there is no greater good in the world than to do so to others , and think those oblige you , who give you an opportunity of obliging them , and imagine you receive the pleasures you give : certainly if it be so , there is no man in the world , to whom you are more obliged than to me ; and i deserve all the thanks you give me , since i have given you more occasions than any one else of exercising your generosity , and doing actions of goodness , which without doubt , are worth more than all the good you have done me , or all that you have remaining . among the great number of those i have received from you , and among so many favours you have been pleased to bestow upon me , i assure you , my lord , there are none i esteem so much as the letter , you have done me the honour to write to me ; and if among so many things which affected me with joy , there is any one thing that did so above the rest , i must needs beg your leave to tell you , it is that , where you mention the two persons , who deserve all the respect we can pay them , and to whom , if we compare them not one to the other , there is nothing under the whole heaven , they can be compared to . when i think that i am in their memory , for that moment my pains cease ; and whensoever , i represent to my self the image of either the one or the other , the very face of my fortune seems to be changed , and that imagination chaces from my spirit , the darkness which oppresses it , and fills it with light : but that which is still a greater happiness , is , tho' i am so far from ever having deserved the honour of their favour , yet i flatter my self that i have some share in it ; and i am so happy as to believe what you tell me concerning it . i know one , my lord , who would not be so easie to be perswaded , if he were in my place , and who after two years separation could not live in so much tranquillity , nor with so great assurance . in the satisfaction which that belief gives me , be pleased to judge if i am much to be lamented , and if there are not many whom the world calls happy , that are not so much as i : without this i could not defend my self from the general sorrow which is here on all sides , nor resist the melancholy of monsieur de c — , whom i am forced every day to contend with , and who is in truth much above what is commonly imagined of him . besides his fancy he has taken to let his beard grow , which already reaches down to his middle , he affects a tone more severe than ever , and which comes very near the sound of astolphus's horn : unless he were to treat of the immortality of the soul , or of the supreme good , and the most important questions of moral philosophy , he could not bawl lowder . if democritus should come again , though he was never so great a philosopher , he would not bear with him , because he was addicted to laughing ; he has undertaken to reform the doctrine of zeno , as too soft ; and is going about to make the stoicks turn capuchins . so that , my lord , you don't desire any advantage to that people , whose governour — you wish him to be . to a young lady , maid of honour to his royal highness's daughter . by henry cromwell , esq madam , having been ever sensible of the power of your eloquence , assist me , i beseech you , in returning my acknowledgements to the fairest , and most generous princess of the world : for , i swear , i have been opprest with her bounties , and must declare , that there is not any thing under heaven , so lovely , and so charming , as the mistress whom you serve ; i had almost said whom we serve : and , indeed what would i not give , that i might thus express it ? from the first moment that i heard her , i presently concluded that there was not in the world so great a genius as hers ; but the care she has been pleas'd to take of me , above all things amazes me , and i can not sufficiently admire , how , among such elevated thoughts , she can have room for any so trivial ; and how a mind , in all things else so high , can descend so low . the pastils which were presented me this morning , have had a wonderous effect upon me , and i can not imagine from whence this miracle proceeds , unless from a touch of her royal highness's hand ; for i find my self infinitely better , by having kist the paper only that inclosed 'em : this , as long as i live , shall be my antidote against all sorts of ills , and there is but one , for which so pleasing a remedy as this can have no cure : but lest you should too curiously inquire , what this is i mean , 't is much better that i should explain my self , and tell you , that 't is the trouble , to have so seldom the sight of her , and to be destin'd to live far from the only person who deserves to be adored ; if you reflect upon this , it will appear the greatest of misfortunes ; and 't is very hard to be a man of honour , and survive it . to the marchioness de rambouillet , on absence . by the same hand . madam , my lady , your mother , must excuse me ; but never any thing was so tiresom to me as rome : not a day passes , but i see something that 's wonderful ; master-pieces of the greatest artists that ever were ; gardens where there is an everlasting spring ; buildings that are not to be equal'd in the world , and ruins yet more beautiful than they : but all this that i tell you hath no power to divert me , and at the same time that i see 'em , i wish my self far from 'em : the most excellent paintings , sculptures , and portraictures of apelles , praxiteles de papardelle have no charms for me . i shou'd be amazed at this , were i not sensible of the cause , and did not well know that a person who has been accustom'd to the sight of you , cou'd never be easie when he did not enjoy it : for to tell you the truth , madam , i have the same sence of you , as of health ; i never so well know your value , as when i have lost you : and although , when i am near you , i manage not always so well as to maintain my self with you , yet from the moment that i behold you no more , i seek you with a thousand wishes . i call to mind that you are the most precious of worldly things , and i find by experience , that all the delights of the earth are harsh and disagreeable without you : i had more pleasure some time ago in two or three turns of the ruel with you , than i have had since , in seeing all the vine-yards of rome , or that i shou'd have to see the capitol , though in all its ancient splendor , with even jupiter capitolinus there in person ; but that you may know that this is no raillery , and that i am really as ill as i express it , 't is but eight days since , that walking in the morning with the chevalier de jars , i had fall'n all along if he had not received me in his arms ; and the next evening i swoon'd once more in the apartment of the mareshal de estree's . the physicians say that those are melancholy vapours , and that these accidents are not to be neglected ; as for me , since this has taken me two days successively , and that i was threatn'd with something worse , i have neither been stupid nor insensible ; but have taken some antimony which monsieur nerli gave me ; this has done me some good , and i 'll bring four doses with me , which i will perswade the dutchess d'ainguillon to take ; for there is no volatile salt which can have so good effect : and this we must be contented with , till he that hath given me it , shall find the receipt of the aurum potabile , which secret , as he says , he shall attain to in a year at least . i hope to leave this place in a week ; you will be amaz'd that i can continue so long in a place which i tell you i have been so tyr'd with ; but i have been kept here till now , by some things which i will acquaint you with , and which i have not yet been able to dispatch ; but i assure you once more , that i never in my life was so uneasie and so impatient to see you ; i humbly beseech you to do me the honour to believe me , and to be assur'd that i am much more than i can here express , rome . madam yours . to monsieur costart . by — monsieur , you will be surprized that i solicite your assistance in an affair on t'other side the mountains ; that i beg your succour against the romans : it is not the first time as you know , that they have disturbed the quiet of those that troubled themselves not with them . but i think they were never so unjust to any body as to me ; they never gave hannibal more vexation than they will me , if you do not help me : quorsum haec , i 'll tell you ; they have among them an academy of men , that call themselves humourists , which is as it were fantastical ; and indeed , they must be so to take a fancy to admit me into their number , and to advise me of it by a letter from one of their society . i must write him an answer of thanks in latin ; and this 't is puts me in such pain . but i have been eas'd from the moment that i thought of you , for this methinks is your true tallent , and a man that lives in poitou , and writes latin letters out of wantonness , can't refuse me one . their device is a sun raising vapours from the sea , which falls back again in rain , with this motto out of lucretius , fluit agmine dulci : pray try what you can say upon this , and upon the honour which they have done me , and my want of merit . monsieur pauquet will be sure not to fail us , and he knows more then either you or i : i leave this matter wholly to you two ; for i am no way capable of it , when you can do it if you please . me dulcis domine musa lycimnie , cantus , me voluit dicere lucidum fulgentes oculos , & bene mutuis , fidum pectus amoribus . she has been gone this nine days : poor lycimnia ! without lying , i love her better than my self , but not better than you , i am , monsieur , &c. to madam — to acquaint me with your sufferings , is the way to redouble mine ; and i , that have supported my own with so much patience , doubt whether i shall be able to bear up under yours . but whatever happens , i can't indure too much , since it is for love of you , and the two words which you have put in your billet , out of rank from the rest ; are enough to render any thing supportable , and make me cheerfully embrace martyrdom . i suppose you have no doubt of it , and that you are assur'd of my resolution , since after having warned me of the mischief you intend me , you expect that i should come and meet you : and that after dinner , i should voluntarily appear in a place where my pains are to be encreas'd . these menaces wou'd terrifie any other but my self , and make a wiser man than i , provide for his security : but whatsoever danger i foresee , it 's impossible for me to disobey you : or having the honour of knowing you so well as i do , to forbear being , madam . to the same . i have forgot all that i shou'd say to — to whom you wou'd reconcile me , and i assure you'tis not because i have slept since ; i am sorry to have so little concern for a person so well recommended to me , and that not being able to afford her any room in my affection , she had no more in my memory . it 's the part of my soul in which i may with most justice allow her a place , being that which is most opposite to the judgment , and wherein things past are laid up . but if i say any thing obliging to her after dinner , she shall not be able to complain that i talk to her by heart ; for i find that i 'm so much a stranger to all that i have to say to her , that if you do not quickly relieve me , you shall see that i know no more than you , either the words or time : i wish you knew no better that of your departure . for without lying , i have not courage to endure the bare thought of it , which stifles in me all others . when i think that to morrow you will be no longer here , i am surpris'd that i am to day in the world , and i am ready to confess to you that there is some faction in this love , which i testifie , when i consider that i yet breathe , and that my displeasure has not yet finished my days . others have lost their speech and confin'd themselves to inaccessible solitudes for less misfortunes than mine . i own that i could not go so far from you , to vent my grief , but i am methinks to be excused for not seeking a cell in the desarts of aegypt , since i hope for a place in that which you are making . it is this hope only , which keeps me in the world , and my life hangs only on this expectation . i know not whether all that i here say be within the bounds of a passionate friendship , but you cannot accuse me of speaking too intelligibly , since all my words will bear a double construction ; nor complain that i do not write to you in such terms as you desire , since i never met with the person that shou'd inform me what those are : so long as some allowance is made for my failings , and that i may tell you some part of my thoughts , i swear to you by the same affection that i did yesterday , that the only folly i shall ever be guilty of , shall be always to love the most aimiable person that ever was , and that i will be content to be hated by you , when ever i offer you my friendship . to diana . by the same hand . madam , if you be as sensible of the uneasiness of not seeing what you love , as i am ; if you suffer , during this absence , any thing like what i endure ; what considerations , charming diana , could prevail upon you , to be two days without seeing me ? why do not we rather hazard the other extremity , than this which our misfortune reduces us to ? is it reasonable , to hinder four or five people from prating and observingour satisfaction we should sacrifice it , and to prevent a little noise , endure so much misery ? no , no , my dear diana , the greatest misfortune that can befal us , is to be separated from one another ; i know nothing that we ought so much to fear : do not think that our love is a whit the more private , for the pains we take to conceal it ; the dejection which is visible in my countenance , speaks plainer than any body can do . let us then lay aside a discretion which cost us so dear , and give me , after dinner , an oppertunity of seeing you , if you would have me live . to the president of the houshold . by *** sir , madam de marsilly believes that i have some int'rest in you ; and i , who am vain enough to be thought to have it , have not inform'd her to the contrary . she is a lady esteem'd at court , and that may influence the parliament ; and if she succeeds in a cause to be heard before you , believing that i have contributed to her success , you cannot imagine the credit it will do me amongst the better part of the world : i can propose nothing to byass you farther than by putting you in mind of my interest , because you know your own can never engage you . to serve a friend , and to do justice , which is all we demand , are things the severest judges may be solicited for ; and i shall be sensible you do 'em both to me , if you continue loving me as much as you have done hitherto , and if you believe that i am yours . to monsieur d'emer , comptroler general of the king's revenues . by the same hand . sir , since you won't permit me to mention some of your letters , pray give me leave to take notice of that you writ to monsieur d' arses upon my account , and to tell you , there are very few in france , that can write in such a manner , particularly where you say that to accommodate my affair you 'll advance a sum of money ; you must pardon me , if i am of opinion that to offer twenty thousand livers to do a friend a service , is so gallant a way of writing , that there are few capable of expressing themselves in such a stile : even we of the academy of the beaux esprits , are not able to boast of any turn of thought equal to this . the abridgment of a letter to monsieur d'avaux . by the same hand . vis ergo inter nos , quid possit uterque vitissim , experiamur : no , i beg your pardon sir , apollo tells me i am overmatch'd , and i am resolv'd to take his advice ; nor am i concern'd that you have so far exceeded me in your last letter , because there you have even exceeded your self : i must tell you , i am jealous of the very praises you give me ; they are so artful and ingenious , that i shou'd be prouder of being capable of giving , then receiving them ; and the very words wherein you tell me how much i am above others , shew me how much more you deserve that compliment ; every line of your letter is extraordinary , especially the picture you draw of madam de longueville , which is so ravishing , that the sight of the original cou'd not have transported me more . you say 't is wonderful , that at a treaty for peace , you cannot be safe in munster , notwithstanding the pass-ports from the emperour and the king of spain ; that is , sir , you cannot be secure in munster because madam de longueville is there . when you upbraid me , that you have had but one letter from me in a whole year , and that i cannot hold out to write twice successively with the same force , i cannot but acknowledge that even your reprimands are not less obliging than your praise , except where you tell me i am fifty years old , and where you upbraid me with my spectacles and grey hairs . before i make an end of this letter , i must send you the compliment of madam de sable , and madam monthausier : i have shown them both these passages of your letter , where you speak of madam de longueville ; for the rest , fear not that any shall see it , especially that part where you speak of fifty year old . you must know , that here i am but forty seven , therefore pray let me be no more at munster . i had alomst forgot to tell you , those ladies commanded me to say , that if you speak but as well as you write , madam de longueville cannot be tedious in any place where you are . they swear there is no person upon earth has wit enough but your self , and i tell them that i have thought the same thing this five and twenty years ; but i must detain you no longer , ne me crispini scrinia lippi , compilasse putes . verbum non amplius addam . to madam — . by henry cromwell , esq madam , the letter which you desired to see , is not worth the least line of that in which you command it ; but you , who were yesterday so devout , do you make no scruple to write such things in the holy-week , and do you not apprehend the consequence of 'em , and what effect they may have ? i had set my conscience at rest , and for that reason had resolved never to see you more . but your letter has given me a new disorder ; and as well as another , i have suffer'd my self to be overcome by your pearls , and your four thousand livers . i could not have thought , that you wou'd ever have made use of such means , to regain a lover , or that these sort of things cou'd have had any power over me : and i assure you , 't is the first time that i have let my self be dazled with riches . so to tell you the truth , the pearls were never so well set as they are in your letter ; and your four thousand franks as you have manag'd 'em , are worth more than three hundred thousand : you are an incomprehensible person , and i can not sufficiently admire , how , without reading herodotus , and making use of the saturnalia , you can write such delicate letters : as for me , madam , i begin to imagine that you have deceiv'd us , i believe you are acquainted with the source of nilus , and that spring from whence you draw all these fine things , which you say , is much more secret and unknown : in fine , whatsoever your steward says , 't is not the marchioness d' sable , who is the finest person in the world : you have more charms in a corner of an eye , than there is in all the rest of the earth : nor have all the charms of magick a power comparable to those you write . to madam — . by the same hand . you may be assur'd that neither grief nor love will ever be the death of any person , since neither the one nor the other have yet kill'd me ; and that having been too days without the honour of seeing you , i have some appearance of life remaining : if any thing cou'd have made me resolve upon a distance from you , 't was the belief i had that death wou'd have been the only consequence , and that so great a pain as that wou'd not suffer me long to have languished : notwithstanding , i find , beyond all my hopes , that i last much longer than i imagine ; and whatsoever mortal wounds i have , i believe , my soul can not detach its self from my heart , because it sees your image there : this is the only pretence that i find not to tax it with cowardise , and the only reason that shou'd detain it so long in a place , where its sufferings are so great . from that hour when you saw me , dragg'd by four horses , and tore in pieces at my separation from you : i swear to you , that i have not yet dryed my eyes , and although they can no longer distinguish colours , or discern the light , yet will they serve more faithfully than ever , in assisting me to weep for your absence : tormented and languishing as i am , methinks i am left all alone upon the earth , or that i have been transported into that corner of the world , where the sun is not much oftner seen , than comets here with us , and where the shortest night is three months long : but this misfortune wou'd not be the worst that might befal me , if this present night of mine lasted no longer ; but i doubt if after so long time i shall see the light again : judge , i beseech you , to what extremity i am reduc'd , that being only at the entrance of so long and melancholy a night , i already begin to count the hours , and every lingering moment with impatience . oh! that amidst the darkness that overwhelms me , there were at least some intervals of repose , and that i cou'd sometimes have pleasing dreams , but whatever my waking dreams are , they are never so extravagant as to propose to me any thing agreeable ; and my thoughts are only reasonable in this , that they never promise me any good in this condition : i believe that i may swear to you , that the most unfortunate man this day in the world , is he who honours you the most ; and it were impossible that i cou'd have lived so long , had i not hoped that it would have soon dispatched me : i plainly see that i have but fifteen days more to deplore your absence ; and that my life and my misfortunes can endure no longer : this hope alone has made me suffer both , with less impatience ; and i believe you are not displeas'd at it , since all that i ought to hope , you are willing to indulge me ; at least i cannot explain the last words you said to me , more advantageously to my self ; and whatsoever way i take it , i cannot see , what better i have ever to expect : nevertheless , you , who are more discerning , and see much farther than i can , i beseech you tell me , if my passion ought not to have an event more fortunate than this , and what might have become of me if i had longer surviv'd it . to mons. de chaudebonne . by thomas cheek , esq sir , i write to you in sight of the coast of barbary : there is but a channel between us of about three leagues over ; tho' it is the ocean , and the mediterranean sea together : you would be surprized to see a man so far off , who takes so little pleasure in rambling , and who was in such haste to return to you . but the advice i receiv'd , that this season was very improper for navigation , by reason of the great calms , and that i should find it very difficult to embark before september , has given me at once an inclination , and leisure to pursue this voyage , for i chose rather to suffer the fatigue of travelling , than the laziness of madrid . so that after having seen at grenada all that remains of the magnificence of the moorish king's el alhambra , the zaccatin , and that famous place the vivarambla , where i had formerly imagin'd so many tilts and tournaments , i am just come to the point of gibraltar : from whence , as soon as they shall have equipp'd me a frigot , i hope to pass the streights , and visit ceuta , and coming back from thence , to take the road of cales , st. lucar , and sevil , and so to lisbon . hitherto , sir , i have not repented of this enterprize , which at this time of the year has seemed rash to all the world : andalousia has reconciled me to all the rest of spain , and having pass'd it in so many other parts , i should be sorry not to have seen it in the only place where it appears beautiful . you 'll think it strange , that i praise a country , where it is never cold , and where the sugar-canes grow : but in recompence , i can assure you , they have such melons , that 't were worth coming four hundred leagues to tast them ; and that country , for which a whole people wander'd so long in the wilderness , could not be , in my opinion , much more delicious than this is . i am attended here by slaves , who are hansome enough to be my mistresses , and it is permitted me every-where to gather palmes without conquest . this tree , for which all ancient greece has fought , which is not to be found in france , but in our poets , is here no scarcer than the olive-trees ; and there is not an inhabitant on this side who has not more of them , than all the caesars . you may behold at one view the mountains charg'd with snow , and vallies cover'd with fruit. they have ice in august , and grapes in january : summer and winter here are always mixt together , and when the year grown old in other countries , and whitens all the earth , here it is ever green with lawrels , orange-trees and mirtles . i confess , sir , i endeavour to make it seem as beautiful to you as i can ; and having complained to you formerly of the ill i have met with in spain , if i do not retract what i have said , i think i am oblig'd , at least , to represent to the best advantage , whatever i find that 's good in it : in the mean time you 'll wonder , that a man so much a libertine as i am , should be in haste to quit all this , to go and find his master . but i 'll swear ours is such a one , that there can be no pleasure , that ought to be preferred to the honour and satisfaction of serving him . liberty , which is esteemed the most charming thing in nature , is not so desirable as his highness : you know how little i am inclined to flattery ; and one of the most remarkable qualities which distinguishes my lord , is that he cannot suffer it . but it must be acknowledged , that besides the eminent virtues which are owing to the greatness of his birth ; his affability , his good nature , the beauty and vivacity of his ingenuity , the pleasure he takes in hearing witty things , and the grace with which he speaks them himself , are qualities which can hardly be found any where to that degree , as they appear in him ; and if it were only to see something extraordinary , that i ramble about the world , what need i give myself the trouble to go so far , when i should do much better to keep near his person . i examine every thing i see with more curiosity than i naturally have , that when the time serves i may give a satisfactory account to his highness : and i am well assur'd , that when i shall have once had the honour to discourse with him about these matters , he will know 'em ever after better than i do . the prodigious memory of this prince , has been a mighty comfort to me during my absence ; for having had the honour to be in it some time ago , i don't question but i have a place there still , because i can hardly imagine , that i am so unfortunate as to be the only thing he ever forgot . his highness , who never forgot a tribune nor an aedile , nor even a legionary soldier , who has once been named in history , will not , i believe , forget one of his humble servants ; and the whole globe being in his imagination better represented than in any map of the world , let me go never so far , i need not fear for that to go out of the honour of his remembrance . nevertheless , i humbly intreat you , sir , ( you who with so much goodness , procure me all sorts of honours and advantages ) to find an opportunity to tell my lord , how much i desire to have the honour to kiss his hand ; and the prayers i make continually for a life of so great consequence to all mankind . if after this i desire any thing more of you , 't is only that you would be pleased to take care that time shall diminish no part of what you have so liberally given me in your affection : but see , how far the excess of mine has carried me , that it makes me doubt the most generous man a live . you who know , sir , that in all those that love much , there are always some motions that are not conformable to reason , pardon , 〈◊〉 beseech you , this fear , and consider that 〈◊〉 am excuseable , being with so much passion . yours , &c. to my lady abbess , to thank her for the cat which she sent him . by mr. oldys . madam , i was so perfectly yours before , that i imagin'd you ought to have believ'd there was no need of presents to secure me to you , nor that you shou'd have contriv'd to catch me like a rat , with a cat. however , i must needs own , that your liberality has created in me some new affection for you ; and if there had been yet any thing in my soul that was stragling from your service , the cat you sent me has caught it , and now it is intirely your own . 't is certainly the most beautiful and jolliest cat that e're was seen : the greatest beau-cat of spain , is but a dirty puss compar'd to him ; and rominagrobis himself , who you know , madam , is prince of the cats , has no better a mein , nor can better smell out his interest . i can only say , that 't is very hard to keep him in , and that of a cat brought up in religion , he is the most uneasie to be confin'd to a cloyster . he can never see a window open , but immediately he is for jumping out of it ; he had e're this leap'd twenty times over the walls , had he not been prevented ; and there is no secular cat in christendom that is more a libertine , or more head-strong than he . i am in hopes , however , that i shall perswade him to stay by the kind entertainment i give him ; for i treat him with nothing but good cheese and naples-biskets ; and perhaps ( madam ) he was not so well treated by you : for i fancy the ladies of — don't suffer their cats to go into their cupboards , and that the austerity of the convent won't afford 'em such good chear . he begins to grow tame already ; yesterday i thought verily he had torn off one of my hands in his wanton addresses . 't is doubtless , one of the most playful creatures in the world ; there 's neither man , woman nor child , in my lodging , that wears not some mark of his favour . but however lovely he is in his own person , it shall always be for your sake that i esteem him ; and i shall love him so well , for the love i have for you , that i hope to give occasion to alter the proverb , and that hereafter it shall be said , who loves me , loves my cat. if besides this present you will give me the raven that you promis'd me ; and if you will send me an elephant in a hand-basket one of these days , you may as proudly say that you have given me all the sorts of beasts that i love , and ev'ry way oblig'd me to be , all the days of my life , yours , &c. a comical letter , out of the famous monsieur de colletier , to madamoiselle de choux . by sir d. clark , kt. madam , did you ever see an almanack in your life ? you 'll say this is an odd question . i 'll give you the reason then , why i ask'd it : there 's an odd sort of a fellow usually pictur'd in it , madam , with the devil knows how many darts in his body . and what of him ? cry you . why madam , he 's only a type of your humble servant , for that son of a whore cupid has so pink'd me all over with his confounded arrows , that , by my troth , i look like — let me think , like what ; — like your ladiship 's pin-cushion . but this is not all : your eyes had like to have proved more fatal to me than cupid and all his roguery : for , madam , while i was star-gazing t'other night at your window , full of fire and flame ( as we lovers use to be ) i dropt plumb into your fish-pond , by the same token , that i hiss'd like a red-hot horse-shooe flung into a smith's trough . 't was a hundred pound to a penny , but i had been drown'd , for those that came to my assistance , left me to shift for my self , while they sorambled for boil'd fish , that were as plentiful as herrings at roterdam . some of my fellow-sufferers i caught , of which i intend to make an offering to your ladiship , as well as of , madam , your most devoted slave , colletier . the end of the first part of voiture's letters . twelve select epistles , out of arist aenetvs , epist. . lib. . translated from the greek . i was a singing to my self one of the newest songs last evening in the piazza , when a very merry adventure befel me : two pretty young ladies in the bloom of their youth , and inferiour to the graces in nothing but their number , came up to me , and the elder of them , with a look that had nothing of the air of a coquette in it , was pleas'd to greet me after the following manner : whatever you may think of the matter , sir , you have made two conquests to night by your voice : love has found a way to our souls thro' our ears ; we are both subdu'd by your harmony , and have had a long debate with our selves , for which of us you intended this entertainment . my own vanity made me believe it was meant for me ; my companion here is as positive that the compliment was designed for her . thus not being able to decide the controversie among ourselves , which had like to have engaged us in a civil war , we both agreed to have it determined by yourself . why faith , ladies , reply'd i , to them , you are both of you very handsome ; but the duce take me if i am in love with either of you : therefore i wou'd advise you , as a friend and a plain-dealer , not to quarel about such an insignificant fellow as i am , but to let all acts of hostility cease , and live like good neighbours together : not but that i believe i cou'd be heartily in love with both , or either of you at any other time , but at present my heart is engaged else-where ; and i am confident you have more generosity and justice than to usurp the property of another , or to take up with the leavings of love. oh! cry'd they , this is a downright sham. there is not one handsome woman in this quarter of the town , yet you pretend to be in love ; 't is plain we have caught you in a story , therefore you shall swear that you love neither of us . i cou'd not but laugh at the proposal : why , ladies , said i , every thing i have is at your service ; but i have a tender conscience , and wou'd not willingly be perjur'd . that is as we would have it , said one of 'em ; we knew the truth wou'd come out one way or other , therefore resolve to come along with us , for we won't lose so fair an opportunity . with that both the damosels fell a tugging and hawling me forward ; they pluckt one way , and i pluckt another ; but you know the proverb , two to one is odds at foot-ball ; so i was forc'd to submit to my destiny , and go along with 'em whither they were pleas'd to lead me . so far the story may be read or heard by all the world , but what follows is a secret : in short , not to set your mouth a watering with a description of every particular , i was carried to a room , where we made an extemporary bed with chairs and stools ; so ingenious is love when it is put to its shifts . the two good natur'd nymphs were not disappointed ; and your humble servant went off well satisfied with his good fortune . glycera to philinna . out of the same , epist. . lib. . some ill demon certainly ow'd me a spite , ( by the same token he more than got out of my debt ) when i was prevailed upon to marry this dull flegmatick lawyer of mine ; for i 'll tell you after what a horrid rate he uses me : every night , when other husbands , as in duty bound , solace their poor wives a bed , my man of law sits up , pretending he has a conveyance to draw for my lord — and then , says he , i 'm to make a speech in the court to morrow for my client sir john — and if i have it not by heart , there will be the devil and all to do ; with that he walks about the room in a meditating posture , to make me believe he is in earnest , mumbling i know not what unintelligible stuff to himself . since he has not assets enough , as far as i can perceive , to discharge the debt of matrimony , why should he marry , i wonder , to inslame his reckoning ? why shou'd a man that doth not want a wife to humble his constitution , pretend to monopolize a young virgin to himself , especially when he wants either will or ability to do her justice ? did he chuse to make me his spouse only to deafen me with impertinent stories of executions , answers , ejectments , and impertinent decrees ? cou'd he think i cou'd ever prove such a supple slave , as to sit up all night to pore over a dull statute-book ? since i find he puts my bed-chamber to no other use , then to profane it with nasty petty-fogging , i am resolv'd for the future to have a separate bed by my self : if this won't reform him , but he still continues an incorrigible sot , drudging in other peoples business , and neglecting mine , i am resolv'd to shew him a rowland for his oliver , and to speak to some more able council to manage my law-case . this i hope is enough to make you comprehend my meaning ; you are a sensible woman , experienc'd in these affairs , and therefore a hint is sufficient . consider then , my dear friend , and tell me how i must play this game . you are a woman , and understand the necessities of our sex , and tho' i have not nam'd my disease to you in down-right terms , ( for my modesty wou'd not give me leave to do that ) yet since you know the nature of it , i hope you 'll be my doctress , and prescribe me a remedy . 't is but reasonable , i think , that you , who are my near relation , and besides have a good tallent at composing of differences , shou'd stand my friend at this juncture : besides , as you had a great hand in making this wicked match , you are obliged in honour , to make it supportable to me . but above all , it will be requisite to be very secret , for shou'd my litigious blade come to hear that i apply my self to other council , he may reject me for good and all , and so what i get in the hundred , i may lose in the county . cyrtion to dictys . out of the same , epist. . lib. . distracted between joy and greif , i write the following lines to you : yesterday i was at my old recreation of fishing by the sea-side , and as i was drawing a thundring fish out of the water , so very large that it made my rod crack again , behold there comes up to me a pretty damosel , with a lovely mixture of roses and lillies in her cheeks , tall and strait as a cedar that likes the ground it grows in . thought i to myself , i 'm a lucky dog to day , fortune favours me in both elements , and now i am like to get a better prize at land than i drew just now out of the water : honest friend , cries she , i conjure you by neptune , to look after my cloaths a little , while i wash my self in the sea. this request , you may imagine , was not unwelcome to me , because it wou'd give me an opportunity to see something . she had no sooner thrown off her rigging ; but , good heavens ! there was a sight enough to have spoiled the most virtuous resolutions of the severest philosopher : from between her hair , which was of a lovely black , and flow'd down in great quantity , i discover'd a pair of rosie cheeks , and an ivory neck , that wholly possest me with admiration and surprise : both these colours were in the highest perfection , but they deriv'd no little agreement from the neighbourhood of the black. to return to our nymph , she had no sooner undress'd , but she plung'd foremost into the waves . the sea was as smooth as a bowling-green , and when she appeared above the water , had i not seen her before , i durst have sworn she was one of the nereids , of whom the poets tell us so many stories . when she had washed as long as she thought fit , out she came ; and from such a sight as this , our painters , i suppose , were instructed how to draw venus rising out of the sea. i immediately ran to my lovely damosel to deliver her her cloaths , and when she was so near me , cou'd not forbear to touch her bubbies , and so forth . but to see what ill fate attends me ! the young gipsie blush'd and frown'd at me : but even her very anger became her ; it gave a fresh lustre to her beauty , and her eyes darted lightning at me . then in her indignation she broke my rod flung my fish into the sea , and ran away from me , as fast as her legs would carry her . imagine in what a confusion she left me . i lamented the loss of what i had taken with so much pains ; but the loss of her , whom i had as it were in my hands , afflicted me infinitely more . this disappointment , in short , so mortifies me , that i dare no longer trust my self with the cruel idea of it . philochorus to polyaenus . out of the same , epist. . lib. . last week hippias and i were taking a turn in the park , when on a sudden he thus alarm'd me : friend , says he , prithee mind that lady yonder that leans upon her maid's arm. how tall ! how strait ! how well-featur'd she is ! by heavens , 't is a miracle of a woman : let us e'en cross the walk and accost her . why , replyed i to him , you 're mad i think : unless i am mistaken in her outside , she 's a woman of vertue , and consequently no game for such as you and i : but if you resolve to proceed , let us view her a little more distinctly before we board her , for i love to look about me before i leap . my companion fell a laughing , as if he had been distracted , and striking me gently on the shoulder , thou' rt a novice , said he , i find in these affairs . take it from me , all the women in the world are made of sinful materials . one may have more hypocrisie than another , but if you put it home to her , i 'll engage you 'll find her made of true flesh and blood. but alas , you are a perfect stranger to the townintrigues , otherwise cou'd you imagine that any woman of honour wou'd be walking here at this time of the day , and dart her glances so artfully on all she meets ? prithee observe how she plays with her necklace , how slily she steals her pretty hand out of her glove ; and as if she went to reform some disorder in her dress , how dexterously she discovers her breasts ? from these and a thousand other indications i conclude that this lady won't let a man sigh at her feet in vain : but what is more convincing , i now tipt the wink at her , and she as kindly return'd it ; therefore let us go and board the vessel , for i dare ingage she 'll make no resistance . he had no sooner spoke these words , but he makes directly to the prize above mentioned , and finding a fit opportunity , he thus made his addresses to her : i swear by your beauty , the most sacred oath to me that can be , you have made your self in a moment the absolute soveraign of my heart ; and if you please to order that eves-dropping maid of yours , to retire to some distance , i have something to communicate to you , which perhaps you will not be displeas'd to hear . she accordingly commanded her attendant to file off , when the other in this manner persued his discourse , as i know that love is no camelion to live upon air , i am not so unreasonable as to demand any favours of you gratis : and , on the other hand , madam , i am sure you are too conscientious to put too high a price on ' em . gold , you know , may be too dearly bought ; but i hope you 'll comply with the running market-price ; i have madam , two things to plead for me , vigour and wealth , but i wou'd by my good will husband both of 'em so , as to make 'em hold out : come give me your answer . the lady's eyes sufficiently declar'd the consent of her heart ; she stood still and blush'd , and such a beautiful red streak'd her cheeks , as we find in the heavens when the sun is just a setting . when my friend found the bargain was now as good as struck , he turn'd about to me ; and what do you think now of my skill in these affairs ? you would have diswaded me forsooth , from this expedition , but now you see how i have succeeded ; for , at the expence of a few words and a little time i have brought the nymph to surrender . you alas , are such a heretick , as to believe there are women in the world above flattery , corruption and bribery ; but you are in a damn'd mistake ; follow me , and i 'll show you some sport : but in the mean time take this for granted , that there is no garrison so strong , and no woman so obstinately vertuous , but by one practice or other , both may be brought to take a new master . lamprias to philippides . out of the same , epist. . lib. . you remember me troubl'd with all the symptoms of love , and desire to know how i got cur'd of it ; i us'd to entertain my passion in the fields and solitary groves , which instead of abating , grew every day fiercer , and raged more violently in my breast . as i walk'd by the purling streams , may cupid , said i , and his mother , ( for they , and only they , know what torments i languish under , ) give me courage enough to make a declaration of my passion , which hitherto i have stifl'd within me . as love has transfixt with his darts this tender breast of mine , so i hope he will in the same manner , treat the fair insensible , who has given me so many cruel inquietudes . one day it happened that after i had amused my self with these contemplations in the woods , i found i had resolution enough to venture an interview with my mistress . i went accordingly to her house , and had a long conversation with her , wherein i found the beauties of her mind , to be not at all inferiour to those of her face : her looks wore all the bewitching marks of the most agreeable innocence ; i admir'd her hand , the whitest and softest in the world : i viewed with sacred horror , those charming eyes , that penetrate quicker and deeper than lightning . to compleat my ruin , she show'd me a delicious pair of breasts as it were by accident , on which the god of love himself , wou'd be proud to recline his head. all this while my tongue was tied with a religious awe , and i had not assurance enough to acquaint her with my pain . however , i was very intent on my mental devotion , and pray'd to cupid , that since he knew my imbecillity so well ( which i wholly imputed to himself ) he would so effectually touch my mistress's heart that she of her own accord , should own her affection for me . i had no sooner concluded these pious ejaculations , but i found the god had heard my prayers ; for my mistress , who look'd so coy and demure at my first coming into the room , on the sudden , smiled very graciously upon me , and gently squeez'd me by the hand ; and then no longer able to conceal the vehemence of her desires , she imprest so warm a kiss on my lips , that i was in good hopes , the seal wou'd never have pared from the wax : all the sweets of arabia the happy , all the fragrant odours of the eastern world , all the blooming beauties of the spring , and the wealth of summer : in short , all the incense that is offer'd on the altars of our gods , comes infinitely short of the natural sweetness of her breath . but here i will stop my narration , for what need i trouble my self to send every particular to you , who are old enough to imagine 'em of your self . only this i will add , that we strove all night long , which of us should express their love in the most emphatical manner ; and that , that sawcy intruder , sleep found us too well employ'd to offer to interrupt us . philomatia to eumusus . out of the same , epist. . lib. . this comes to let you know that we are not so bewitched to musick as you imagine , and that the best lute and guitar in the world will make but little progress , unless it comes attended with the more powerful harmony of mony. why then do you give your self and me the unnecessary trouble of so many serenades ? why must you employ your hands to shew the passion of your heart ? why do you persecute me with your sonnets , and sing under my windows ? since beauty's charms do hourly fade , and a scandal it is to be reckon'd a maid ; let not love's pleasures be delay'd . you are old enough , one wou'd think , to know that mony atones for all defects with us women , and that beauty and vigour have no merit with us , if they have no gold to recommend 'em : but you think me an easy , foolish , good-natur'd creature , who am to be imposed on by any wheedling stories . you fancy'd , i suppose , that i never had been initiated the misteries of our profession and that i wou'd immediately surrender to you , upon the first stroak of your violin , and the first touch of the lute ; but to undeceive you , know that i was bred up under the most experienc'd mistress of her time ; who formed my tender mind with wholsom precepts ; telling me , that nothing under the sun was sincere or desirable but mony ; and teaching me to despise every thing but that . under her instructions , and by her virtuous example , i have profited so much , that i now measure love , not by vain empty compliments , that signify nothing , but by the presents that are made me , and by the almighty rhetorick of gold , which will stand my friend , when a thousand such fluttering weather-cocks as you have left me in the lurch . terpsion to polycles . out of the same , epist. . lib. . to convince you how insensibly love gets admission into the most innocent hearts , be pleased to read over the following story : a young country girl , fell desperately in love with her mistress's gallant , and took fire herself , while she contributed to ease that of others . being obliged to keep watch upon the stairs , lest the lovers shou'd be surpriz'd , she cou'd not but often hear their murmuring and sighing : she saw 'em too folded in one anothers embraces , performing the ceremony of love ; and thus through the eyes and ears of this tender girl , the god of love , with his torch and arrows plung'd himself over head and ears in her panting breast . she bewailed the unhappiness of her condition , and accus'd her destiny for giving her a mind susceptible of the most tender impressions , yet , denying her the means to satisfy them : why shou'd not i , said she , participate pleasure with my mistress , since i have a soul as sensible as hers ? why shou'd love , that tramples over all distinctions of rank and quality , shew himself a dastard only in respect to me ? but she did not long afflict herself with these unprofitable complaints . venus wou'd not suffer her to lose the time in lazy wishes , for being sent one afternoon to invite the gallant to her mistress's lodgings , without any farther preamble or preface , she accosted him in this manner : sir , said she , i believe you to be a gentleman , and willing to ease the longing of a young virgin : if my face will go down with you , that , and the rest of my body are at your service . you know well enough what it is to love , and therefore will have compassion , i hope , on one that languishes under that distemper . the gentleman without farther ado , took her at her word , and was so courteous as to play the priest , since she was so willing to be the sacrifice . he soon eased her of that burden she complain'd of , and own'd that he ne'er received more pleasure in his life . the kisses of married women are generally insipid ; the kisses of mercenary harlots are fallacious and deceitful ; but those of an innocent , uninstructed virgin are true , and consequently delicious . our lovers had like to have fainted away under the violence of their agitation ; their souls hover'd about their mouths , but their uninterrupted kisses denied them a passage : while the golden minutes pass'd away in these transports , the mistress , who was seized with a fit of jealousie to see them stay so long , stole softly into the room , and surprized them in very criminal circumstances . the unhappy maid found the first effects of her indignation , whom she thump'd and beat , and dragg'd by the hair , but the poor wench intreated her to consider , that tho' her ill stars had sent her a slave into the world , which was none of her fault , she had as strong inclinations as the best of her sex : that love was an imperious deity ; and when he had once got entrance into a heart , wou'd not throw up his possession , as she her self cou'd not but know by experience . wherefore , madam , says she , in consideration of love , who is our common master , and whose yoak both of us carry , be pleased to forgive this indiscretion in me : which , after the worst gloss you can put upon it , was only the effect of a foolish curiosity , from which the best of women are not exempt . these complaints so innocently deliver'd , soon appeas'd her mistress's fury , who , taking her gallant by the hand , thus rallied him ; i find , crys she , you are of the humour of some people , who had rather gather sour grapes , than stay till they are ripe . what cou'd make you so foolishly trifle your time with a silly raw baggage , that is so far from knowing how to perform her part in the chorus of love , that she does not yet understand how to level her kisses aright ; which are but a prologue to the busier drama that follows . a virgin is dull and heavy , and unacquainted with the true management of a passion ; whereas , such a woman , as i am , that has tried many a fall with many a man in her time , needs not the instructions of any one , but gives the utmost satisfaction : in short , a woman gives , but a virgin only receives kisses , which makes a sensible difference between them ; and this , continued she to her spark , you know well enough ; but , if you want to have your memory refresh'd , come to me to night , and i will make you own i am in the right . what happen'd upon this , i can't tell , neither am i curious to know , because all men affect to govern themselves by their own peculiar palates , but especially in the business of love. a letter of gallantry , from a young gentleman , to his perjured mistress . out of the same , epist. . lib. . if you consider , madam , what ill treatment i have had from your hands , you are in the right on 't to believe that i hate you most mortally ; but then if you reflect what an absolute empire your beauty has gain'd over my soul , you can't but be sensible that it is impossible for me to harbour the least injurious thought of you . to convince you how far i interest my self in every thing that concerns you , i swear to you by that adorable face , which hath made so perfect a conquest of me , that next to the grief of losing you , i am in the next place concern'd to think what punishments heaven has in store for you , for affronting it by so open , so bare-fac'd a perjury . love has so effectually stifl'd all resentments within me , that i dare not entertain the least disadvantagious wishes against you . but tho' i am ready to forgive you , i am afraid least the powers above shou'd call you to an account for violating their majesty by a crime so provoking . if the thing wholly depended on me , you might fafely stare heaven in the face , after you have so often called down its vengeance on your head ; but my fear is , ( and my concern for you , obliges me to tell you so much ) that the gods will not be so ready to pardon you , as i have been ; and any misfortune of yours wou'd asflict me more , than to find my self neglected and forgotten by you . i impute my miseries to destiny , not to you , ( you see madam , i would rather judge injuriously of heaven than of your self ) and i will never cease to pray , that justice it self may be blind , that so you may escape the punishments you deserve , and rather than those bright eyes should suffer any thing , tho' they have caus'd my ruin. nay , if it should be your chance to trespass once more , and offend heaven again , i hope it will have a due regard to the weakness of your youth . i am content to sacrifice my pretensions to you ; i , who wou'd sooner part with the indies than your self , provided that you be no sufferer . farewel charming creature , farewel ; and may fate be as indulgent to you , as i have been : show me now if you can , a lover like me , who after such cruel usage ever writt so humble a letter . abrocomas to his dear delphis . out of the same , epist. . lib. . you 'll be angry perhaps at the frank confession , i am going to make to you . i examine with curious eyes all the women i see , i go to all the places of publick resort , and no female escapes me ; pray , madam , don't think i do this to carry on any intrigue with 'em ( for i wou'd not have you put so unjust a construction upon my expressions ) 't is only to see how much your beauty surpasses theirs , and to be able to do the more justice to your merits . yes , madam , by cupid i swear it , who never had a devouter votary then my self , you surpass the rest of your sex in dress , beauty , and the agreeableness of your deportment : your charms are so conspicuous and shining , that they need no artifice to set 'em off : a natural red adorns your cheeks ; neither do you lye under any necessity to load your head with that cumbersome attire , other women take a pride in . you have the loveliest hair in the universe ; who can behold so black a pair of eye-brows , in so fair and white a forehead , and not own himself your slave ? i dare not trust my invention , as fertle as it is , with venturing upon more particulars . in short , madam , all the perfections of your sex center in you ; and your empire is never so safe , as when you appear amongst our most celebrated beauties . your sight alone , as it creates our astonishment , so it commands our love ; and to make a new triumph , you need only appear to a new beholder . since my life is intirely wrapt up in yours , i wish you may live long and happy . all my inclinations , all my hopes and thoughts terminate in you ; and i earnestly beg of heaven , that i may always continue in this opinion . enjoy that conquest therefore which nature has given you , and i will everlastingly carry love's golden dart in my breast . neither do you endeavour to pluck it out from thence , for besides that , you are not able to do it , i don't desire to have it done , for i take pleasure in nothing so much as in my passion . may it always be the scope of my whole life to love delphis , and may it be my fate to be beloved by her , to be subdued by her beauty , and charm'd by her conversation . oceanius to aristobulus . out of the same , epist. . lib. . you desire to know what progress our friend damon has made in the affections of his mistress , whom he hath so long besieg'd , and i am sorry i cannot send you so good news as i cou'd wish : he threw himself down at her feet , and in the common strain of lovers ; will you not , says he , take compassion on my youth ? will you not pity one that dies every moment for you ? show at least some tenderness to the man , who never was conquer'd by any beauty but yours ? but she return'd him a compliment , as cold as if it had come out of the midst of tartary : leave persecuting me , says she , with idle stories of your passion , with your pretended darts , and your romantick flames , for you do but lose your time and labour . the youth was reduc'd to the last despair , when he found himself thus slighted , and as anger on these occasions generally succeeds to love , he said the most reproachful bitter things against her , that his indignation cou'd inspire him with . when his fury had spent it self , looking upon him with a scornful air , i know , says she , how to punish the insolences of your tongue : all your sex are perfidious and false ; you devour us , nay , you devour one another . the most savage beasts in the woods , unless compell'd by hunger , seldom attack the travellers , but when they are taken by you , and have been debauch'd with a domestic education , they prove erranter brutes than any in the forest ; to be short with you , your perjury and inconstance teach us to lay aside all pity , and treat you as you deserve : for in the first ardors of your love , you can lie all night at our thresholds on the bare ground ; you can say the most submissive things in the world ; you can whine and cry , and make goddesses of us ; you have oaths perpetually at command , and with those counters you deceive us ; but no sooner have we granted the last favours to you , but you grow insolent and haughty ; you make us the subject of your ill-manner'd mirth , and you disdainfully reject her , whom the hour before you adored like a divinity . you are all atheists as to love , and pretend that jupiter has other business on his hands , then to trouble himself with the oaths of lovers . thus the lady discarded the unfortunate lyco ; and , as partial as i am to my friend , i cannot but own there is a great deal of truth in her invective . chrysis to myrina . out of the same , epist. . lib. . you and i , my dearest myrina , have long languish'd under the tyranny of cupid , who is the most fantastical of all the deities . you are in love with my husband , and 't is my unhappy destiny , ( but who can resist the god who commands all the rest ? ) to doat on your page . what expedient will love , who uses to be no block-head when he is put to his shifts , what expedient , i say , will love find out , to put an end to our present sufferings ? you know i am a constant woman at prayers , and if a woman ever prays for any thing in good earnest , you likewise know , 't is when she prays for a kind gallant . now to be plain with you , i put up a fervent petition to heaven this morning , that it wou'd furnish a remedy for both our passions ; when immediately the following ing thought came into my head : i won't be positive , as our priests generally are , that this whimsie of mine is of heaven's inspiring ; but it seems so easie , so pretty , and so feasible , that i am resolv'd with your help to see it put in execution . the stratagem in short is this : do you pretend to be very angry with your page , upon what occasion you think most proper , whether for tearing your fan , beating your squirrel , or so forth , but be sure to turn him out of your house . the better to colour this business , i will give you leave to strike him a blow or two , but i article before-hand with you , that you shan't hurt him . upon this i know he will immediately run to me , as being your greatest acquaintance , and i will take care to dispatch my husband on an errand to you , under pretence of interceding for the boy , that you wou'd be so kind as to take him into your service again . by this means both of us will have a fair opportunity to satisfie our longings , which , for my part , i will see punctually perform'd , unless your page is a very ignorant devil indeed ; and i suppose you will not be wanting to your self . but , my dear myrina , remember to keep my husband with you as long as you can , for that you know will be for our mutual interest . i can tell you before-hand , that you will not be disappointed in my spark ; i that have so often experienc'd how well he performes upon duty , am satisfi'd he 'll out-do a heroe , when wickedness spurs him on . farewel . stesichorus to eratosthenes . out of the same , epist. . lib. . to see now what cunning gipsies these women are ! t'other day a certain woman of my acquaintance , walking in the market-place with her husband by her side , and a train of servants at her heels , saw a gallant of hers at some distance off , with whom she used to be familiar . she had a mighty longing to whisper something in his ear , and if possible to steal a kiss from him before her husband's face ; so to bring the matter about , she pretends to fall upon her knee , and her gallant , who as it seem'd , understood her design , charitably lent her his hand to help her up : then down she tumbles again , and our gentleman was forced the second time to give her his assistance . oh! my poor wife , cries the cuckold , in a strange consternation , i hope thou hast not hurt thy self . troubled with such cruel fits , cry'd she ; and then she made the third stumble . the gallant on one side , and the husband on the other did what in 'em lay to set her on her legs again , but as her fits still increast , the husband , with the help of the kind gentleman , was obliged to carry her to the next tavern : the gallant chafed her hand , and rubb'd her face ; and all the while the fellow thank'd him for the great pains he took with his wife : but finding her indisposition still increase , he ran down stairs like lightning to fetch a physician of his acquaintance to her , not daring to trust his servants with so important a message . in the mean time our lovers , were not wanting to administer mutual consolation to each other : so by that time the husband came back with his doctor , his wife was exceedingly refreshed . the gallant was complimented a thousand times for his civilities on this occasion : sir , says the man , i heartily beg your pardon for the trouble my wife has given you . lord sir , answer'd he , if it was to do ten times again , it would be no trouble . but indeed 't was too much , sir. i'faith , cries the other , i don't think i can ever do too much for her . i swear but you have , says the husband , i find she hath put you into a sweat with helping her . in short , they drank a loving glass together ; the wife pretended she was twenty per cent. better than when she set out in the morning ; the gallant was highly satisfy'd with what he had done , and the husband was the merriest man alive , to see his wife so miraculously recover'd . the end of aristaenetus's epistles . some select letters , out of pliny , junior . made english by t. brown , gent. i am to inform the reader , that in the following letters , i have not confined my self to a literal version . where i found any place so perplexed that no certain sence cou'd be made of it , or where it cou'd not be understood without a comment , ( which wou'd have looked ridiculous in such a collection as this . ) i have fairly omitted it , and sometimes i have made bold to alter a word or two to make my author more palatable to the english reader . as for the choice i have made of the letters , if they are not the best , i hope they will not displease . to his dear friend romanus . lib. . at your request , i have sent you the panegyric i lately deliver'd before our most incomparable * prince , altho' i had sent it to you whether you had desired it or no. now you have it before you , i must beg you to reflect upon the difficulty , as well as the nobleness of the subject . upon other occasions , the newness of the argument generally draws our attention , but here it was impossible for me to say any thing which all the world did not know before : for which reason , the reader having nothing else to employ him , will only mind the elocution , in which 't is a hard matter for a man to succeed well , when that , and only that , is esteem'd . i cou'd wish that the order , transitions , and figures cou'd be consider'd at the same time : for in the barbarous nations , you shall find several that are able to invent handsomely , and to express themselves magnificently enough ; whereas to dispose of things in their proper order , and to vary the figures with art and judgment , is only the talent of the learned . i am of opinion indeed , that the sublime and pompous stile is not alway to be used ; for as in a picture , nothing sets off the light so well as an artful disposition of the shades , so an oration is no less recommended by the simplicity than the majesty of the diction . but why should i trouble you with these things , who know them so much better than my self ? in the mean time i beg the favour of you , to mark what places you shall think want correction ; for i shall be the easier inclin'd to believe that the rest of the oration pleases you , when i find you dislike some passages in it . farewel . to his dear geminius . lib. . 't was the noblest thing you ever attempted in your life , to relate the dacian war in verse : for , besides the newness of it , what subject is more copious and fertile , what more poetical , and , tho' we all know it to be true , what more seemingly fabulous ? you will have a noble occasion to employ all the stores of your invention : when you talk of rivers commanded to take a new course , or bridled by new bridges , that before were hardly to be pass'd in boats , when you talk of armies encamp'd on the tops of precipices , and mighty kings who had grasped the whole universe in his imagination , not only despoil'd of his kingdom but his life : in short , when you come to describe two magnificent triumphs , both of which were celebrated for the reduction of a nation held invincible before : the only and greatest difficulty will be , to express all this in a strain equal to the dignity of the subject ; which even you , my friend , will find to be no easie task , altho' you have a towring , elevated genius , capable of the highest undertakings . some little trouble too you 'll find it , to soften the names of these barbarous people , and particularly of their towns , so as they shall not shock our ears , when they come into verse ; but there is nothing so harsh and dissonant but what may be made harmonious , or at least tolerable with a little care and alteration . besides , if it was lawful for homer to contract , to extend , and turn words , even of grecian extraction , for the better cadence of his verse , why shou'd not the same privilege be allow'd you , especially since it is not affected but necessary ? therefore , when after the custom of the poets , you have invoked the help of the muses , and especially of your heroe , their greatest patron , whose noble atchievements and actions you are going to sing , weigh anchor , put up all your sails , and if ever you did it upon any occasion , so now more particularly hoist your flag , display your colours , and bear down with all the force of wit. these metaphors perhaps may seem too daring for prose ; but why may i not be indulg'd to speak in the poetical language to a poet ? but this i bargain with you before-hand , that you shall send me your poem in pieces just as you finish it : nay , even before you have finish'd it , by which means it will come the more fresh , like fruit newly gather'd from the tree . you will tell me 't is impossible that small pieces shou'd please so well as an entire work , or that a sketch should be so well liked as a finish'd picture : i confess it , and therefore i will consider it as such , and you shall bestow the last hand upon it at your leisure in my library . to your other favours give me , i beseech you , this farther mark of your friendship , as to communicate to me what you wou'd let no body else see : for tho' i may the more commend and value your writings as i see them come out more slowly and more correct , yet i shall both love and honour your self infinitely the more , as you send me these things with most dispatch , in their undress . to his wife calphurnia . lib. . you send me word , that my absence does not a little afflict you , and that you have no other antidote against your melancholy but my letters : 't is no small satisfaction to me , that i am always in your thoughts , and that such trifles can contribute to your diversion . for my part , to let you see my case is parallel with yours , i am perpetually reading yours , and the oftner i read them , the more new they seem to me , and i still discover some fresh beauties in 'em , which i did not observe before . tho' this in some measure alleviates my pain , yet it sets me a longing the more for your company ; for if your letters are so sweet and entertaining , what pleasures may i not expect from your conversation ? therefore let me conjure you to lose no opportunities of writing to me , tho' , as i hinted before , at the same time this commerce delights me , it gives me some uneasiness . to the same . lib. . 't is impossible for me to tell you how much i regret the want of your good company , and i have several good reasons for it : in the first place , there is love in the case . then 't is to be consider'd that you and i never lived asunder , which is the reason why i pass the greatest part of the night in thinking on you . from the same cause it proceeds , that even in the day-time , at those hours when i used to visit you in your chamber , my feet of their own accord carry me to you , and then when i miss you there , i come back no less melancholy and sorrowful , than if you had turn'd me out of your room . the only time that i am free from these inquietudes , is when i am pleading in the hall , and drudging for my friends . judge then , what a mortified life i lead , when i am forced to find relaxation in labour , and comfort in care and misery . to his dear friend ferox . lib. . your last letter is a convincing argument that you study , and that you don't . you 'll tell me i talk riddles to you , and so i do , till i explain to you more distinctly what my meaning is . in short , the letter you sent me , shows you did not study for it , so easie and negligent it appears to be ; and yet at the same time 't is so polite , that 't is impossible that any one should write it , who did not weigh every word ; or else you are certainly the happiest man in the world , if you can write letters so entertaining , without care and premeditation . to cornelius tacitus . lib. . i return you your book which i read over very carefully , having marked all along in the margin what places i thought fit to be alter'd , and what struck out ; for i am no less inclin'd to tell the truth , than you are to hear it . 't is a plain case i believe , that no man suffers himself to be so patiently found fault with , as he that deserves the highest commendation . and now i expect my own book from you with your corrections and amendments . these reciprocal offices of friendship that pass between us give me no little satisfaction ; for if our posterity will have any concern for us , i am pleased to think that they will tell , with what amity , concord , and integrity , you and i have lived together . it will be a remarkable , and perhaps the only instance in history , that two men almost of the same age and quality , and of some reputation for learning , ( i am oblig'd to speak the more sparingly of you , because at the same time i speak of my self ) should promote one another's studies so unanimously . when i was but young , and you had justly acquir'd a high character in the world , even then it was my greatest ambition to imitate and follow you , tho' at never so great a distance . we had then at rome several persons of wit and learning , that were deservedly admired ; yet so great a similitude was there between our tempers and dispositions , that even then i endeavoured to copy after you . for this reason 't is no small satisfaction to me , that whenever there is any discourse about learning and learned men , you and i are still quoted together ; that when your name is mention'd , the company immediately mentions mine ; and that when they prefer a third man to one of us , they mean it of both . but 't is no matter to me , whether you or i are mention'd first , for if i am first , it is only because i am the next to you . i don't question too , but you have observ'd , that in the last wills of the deceas'd , unless there was some particular difference in the case , you and i have legacies of the same value generally bequeathed us . the conclusion i draw from all this is , that we have the greatest obligations that can be , to entertain the strictest amity ; since even our studies , our manners , our reputations ; in short , the united testimony of the world are so many arguments why the mutual friendship between us shou'd still increase . farewel . to cornelius tacitus . lib. . you desire me to send you an account of my uncle's death , that you may be the better able to relate it in your history . i am obliged to you for this favour , for i foresee my uncle's name will be immortal , if it has the honour to be preserv'd by your pen : tho' it was his fate to die , like great cities memorable for their calamities , in the universal desolation of the finest part of italy ; nay , tho' he himself has written several learned volumes , which will propagate his memory to future ages , yet that eternity which seems to be intailed on every thing you write , will not a little contribute to perpetuate his name : for my part i reckon those men happy , who by a particular indulgence of heaven are capable of doing things fit to be transmitted to posterity , or of writing works , that deserve to be read ; but i reckon those the happiest of all , who posses both these advantages : amongst the number of these latter i reckon my uncle , by means of yours , as well as his own writings , upon which account i am proud to comply with your desires . my uncle was then at misenus , with the fleet under his command in the harbour , on the th day of august , about one of the clock in the afternoon ; when my mother came to tell him , that she beheld afar off a cloud of an unusual magnitude and form. he was then hard at study , but calling for his slippers , he got up to the highest part of the house , from whence he might most advantagiously behold this prodigy . at so great a distance we cou'd not positively tell from whence this cloud arose , tho' afterwards we knew it came from mount vesuvius : nothing resembl'd the shape on 't more than a pine-tree does , for from a long taper trunk , it spead itself to a very large head , the reason of which i suppose might be , that when the wind that carried it up , began to fail , it s own weight made it run out into a great breadth . sometimes it look'd of a whitish , and sometimes of a black gloomy colour , according as it carried up with it earth , or ashes . my uncle thinking it impossible to make a just observation of this phaenomenon without coming nearer , commanded a gally to be got ready , and made an offer to take me along with him , if i thought convenient . i excused myself to him , and answer'd , that i wou'd pass that afternoon at my study ; and as it happen'd he had given me something to transcribe . as he was going out of the house with his pocket-book in his hand , the seamen affrighted at the present danger ( for the village lay under the mountain , and there was no means of escaping but by sea ) begged of him not to expose himself to so eminent a danger . this did not diswade him from his resolution ; and what he began out of a spirit of curiosity he perform'd with the greatest intrepidity . so he ordered the gally to put out to sea , and went himself aboard it , with a design to assist not only those of retina , but the neighbouring towns , for the country thereabouts is mighty populous : he steer'd his course towards those places , from whence the affrighted inhabitants ran away in great multitudes ; nay , he sail'd into the very mouth of 'em , and was so free from fear , that he took particular notice of every circumstance almost , relating to this eruption . by this time the ashes fell on the deck , falling the hotter , and in greater quantities , as they approach'd nearer to the shore , with a shower of pumice-stones . then he consider'd a little with himself whether he had best tack about , and sail homewards ( which the pilate advised him to do ) or make for pomponianum . in this place , tho' the danger seem'd to be at some distance from them , yet soon after came upon 'em , he order'd all his luggage to be carried on ship-board , being resolv'd to make his escape , tho' the wind sat in a contrary corner . but as it then blew directly for 'em , my uncle perswaded them to be of good courage . after this he bathed and was very cheerful at supper , or ( what in these dangers is full as great ) he seemed at least to be so . all this while the flames bro ke out in several places of the mountain vesuvius , which appear'd so much brighter in so dark a night : in this strange consternation the country people left their habitations , which in their absence were devour'd by the flames , and this my uncle urged as an argument , why it was not adviseable to quit the place where they were . after this he composed himself to rest : and slept very soundly , as those which were in the next room said . but the court-yard , thro' which there was a passage to the dining-room , was by this time so cover'd with ashes and pumice-stones , that there was no getting out of it for him , if he staid never so little longer ; so being awaked out of his sleep , he , together with the rest that sate up , made the best of their way to pomponianum : it was debated among 'em , whether they shou'd stay within doors , or venture abroad in the open air , for the earthquake was so violent , and the houses reel'd and stagger'd so , that one wou'd have thought they had been torn up from their very foundations . now they were in the fields , they had reason to fear the falling of pumice-stones , tho' they were light and porous , which however of two dangers were the least : with my uncle , reason overcame reason , with the rest , one fear overcame another , and they carried pillows on their heads to break the fall of any thing that might fall on ' em . in other places it was day , but here it was as dark as possible nightitself cou'd be , tho' it was somewhat lessened by the flambeaux and other lights . then it was resolved to go the sea-shore , and see how the sea stood affected , which still continued very tempestuous . here my uncle , lying along upon a parcel of cloaths , called once or twice for cold water , and drank it off . after this the flames , and a smell of brimstone , which used to precede the flames made the place too hot for 'em , so they waked my uncle , who being supported by two servants , got up ; but in an instant fell down again , being i suppose suffocated by the sulphureous vapours : three days after this , his body was found whole and intire , without the least hurt or mark upon it , and in the same cloaths he last put on ; in a posture too , that made him rather look like one that was asleep then dead . while this happen'd , my mother and i were at misenus ; but this is nothing to the history , and you desired to be inform'd no farther , then relates to the death of my uncle . i will therefore conclude , but before i do that , give me leave to add , that i have given you a true and faithful account of all the particulars relating to this accident , that have come to my knowledge . i leave it to you to pick out what you think most proper for your purpose ; for it is one thing to write a letter , and another to write a history ; one thing to write to a friend , and another to address himself to all the world. farewel . to sura . lib. . you and i are both at leisure , you to teach , and i to be inform'd ; i have for a long while earnestly desired to know , whether there are any such things in reality , as spectres , or whether they are only the results of a fearful imagination : for my part , i am inclined to believe the former , by what happened , as i have been told the story , to curtius rufus : he was walking up and down a portico towards the evening , when the shape of a woman appear'd to him , but much more bigger than the life , and much more beautiful : this unexpected sight strangely surprized him , when the phantome told him she was afric , and came to tell him his fortune ; adding that he was going to rome , where he should arrive to the greatest honours ; that he should return back to this province in quality of governour , and there die . every thing exactly happened as the spectre foretold . the story goes , that as he was sailing for carthage , and coming out of the ship , the very same figure met him upon the shore , upon which he fell sick , and remembring what it had formerly told him , gave over all hopes of recovery , before the phisicians thought his case dangerous . but what i am now going to tell you , as it is by much stranger , so it is more terrible than the other . there was a large and stately house at athens , but untenanted for the ill name it lay under ; for in the depth of night you might hear a noise like that of the dragling of chains , which at first seemed to be further off , but by degrees came nearer and nearer to you : at last the ghost appear'd , in the shape of an old man , lean and meager , with a long beard , and the hair of his head matted ; it had fetters about its legs and manacles on its hands , which it shaked and rattled . these strange noises disturbed the neighbourhood so , that few or none could sleep for them ; some fell sick with watching so long , and their fears increasing , died soon after ; for tho' the spectre was not visible in the day , yet their memory still represented it to their eyes , and one fear begot another : for this reason no one would dwell in the house , but it stood empty , and was left wholly to the ghost , to play his midnight-frolicks in ; however , there was a bill put over the door , to signifie that the house was to be let or sold , if by chance they cou'd meet with a chapman , who knew nothing that it was haunted . it happened that one athenodorus , a philosopher , coming to athens , read the bill , enquired after the price , and suspecting there was something extraordinary in the matter , because it was to be had so cheap , he informs himself of the neighbours , who fairly acquainted him with the whole business : he was so far from being discouraged by it , that it made him the more eager to strike a bargain . when it began to grow dark , he order'd a bed to be made for him in a room that faced the street ; he call'd for paper , ink , and candle , and ordered all his servants to withdraw ; he employ'd his mind , his eyes , his hands in writing , least his imagination , having nothing to take it up , might be at leisure to create visions and spectres : all the former part of the night the scene continued quiet enough , at last he heard the rattling of iron , and shaking of chains . our philosopher did not so much as lift up his eyes to see what was the matter , nor left off writing , but endeavoured all he could to neglect it ; the noise still increasing , and moving nearer , so that sometimes it seem'd to be within , and sometimes without the room , at last athenodorus look'd behind him and saw it , just as the neighbours had deseried it to him . it stood still , and beckon'd with its finger , like a man that calls to another . he on the other side makes a sign with his hand , that it should tarry a little for him , and falls to his writing again . all this while the spectre rattled his chains over his head as he writ , and he looking behind him , found that it beckoned to him as before , so he took up his candle in his hand , and followed it : the ghost walked leasurely along as if its chains did hinder it , after that it turn'd into the court-yard , and immediately vanish'd under ground . our philosopher took some leaves and herbs that he might know the place again , the next day he goes to the magistrates of the town and advised 'em to dig in the place where this happen'd : which they accordingly did , and found a parcel of bones wrapt about with iron-chains formerly belonging to a body , which time , and the earth together had putrified . these reliques were publickly buried , after which the house was haunted no more . i am inclin'd to believe this story , having had it so confidently affirm'd to me . — i earnestly intreat you to bestow a little consideration to inform me better upon this point . 't is a subject worthy of your deepest enquiry , tho' i confess i am not worthy to have you to communicate your learn'd thoughts to me . although you can plead on both sides , and manage an argument either pro or con , as the custom of the gentlemen at the bar is , yet i beg you not to employ that talent here , but fairly to determine the point , because i wou'd not be dismiss'd uncertain or left in suspence , since this is the reason of my giving you this trouble . farewel . the end of pliny's select epistles . letters out of mons. le chevalier d' her. *** made english by the same hand . to mademoiselle de j — vpon sending to her a boar in a pasty , who had like to have wounded him at the chase. madam , i have ran the greatest risk in the world , but at last my enemy is defeated , and now i send him to you bound to his good behaviour in pye-crust . i have ordered him to be well spiced and season'd with salt , to preserve the memory of my triumph . if i were acquainted with the secret of the antient aegyptians , i wou'd have embalm'd him , and made a mummy of his body : by that means he would have lasted numberless ages , but it unluckily falls out with us moderns , that we have no other secret but this of paste . imagine that this animal you see before you , had no great mind that i should kill him : as soon as he saw me , away he scamper'd as if the devil had been behind him , but on a sudden turn'd back upon me with a felonious intent to murder me . upon which i deliberated with my self what i had best to do . i cou'd not tell but you might have set him against me , for whenever i see any thing that is dismal or terrible , i immediately conclude that it comes from you . but after i had well examin'd the boar's countenance , i cou'd not find that he had so jolly an air , as even your rigours and cruelties use to be attended with . there was another difficulty still behind , and that was to know , whether i had not best die to put an end to those cruel torments you make me suffer ; but there was too much self-interest i thought to take that course , and i humbly conceiv'd it was for your ladiship 's honour , that a lover so faithful as i , shou'd live , altho' he did not find his account in it . thus the zeal that i had for your glory cost the poor boar his life , who little imagin'd he had to deal with an adversary that was animated by so powerful a motive . in short , i shot my gentleman dead upon the spot ; and his brother boars i presume will have more guts in their brains for the future , then to pick a quarrel with such as preserve their lives on purpose for you . i shou'd be the happiest man in the universe , madam , if you wou'd feed heartily upon him out of revenge , for having been so impudent to put me in peril of my life ; and if that consideration make him go down the better with you , i am , your most obedient , &c. to monsieur c — vpon the cartesian philosophy . and is it true sir , that you have lost your understanding ? i hear you are turn'd philosopher of late , and what is more , that you belong to that sect of philosophy , which is the oddest in the world. it seems you don't think there are such things as colours : you maintain that beasts are machines , and move by clock-work : in fine , you turn things topsie turvy after so strange a rate , that a man can't tell what to trust to . i spoke of it the other day to madam b — who is very much your friend , and is heartily afflicted , at the loss of your reason : i dare swear she wou'd strangle des cartes in one of her garters if she had him in the room ; for in short , his philosophy is not to be endured in a christian country ; it robs the ladies of their beauty , and makes 'em all as ugly as witches . if there is no such thing as colours , there 's consequently no such thing as a fine complexion ; and what will become then of the lillies and roses in the cheeks of our great beauties ? you 'll come off but scurvily , let me tell you , if you think to appease 'em , by saying that colours are in the eyes of those that look upon 'em , and not in the objects themselves . the ladies won't depend upon the eyes of other men for their complexions , but are resolv'd to hold it of themselves and not at the courtesie of every spectator . if there are no colours in the night , our friend mr. n — is finely brought to bed , who fell in love with madam l — merely upon the score of her fine face , and married her . it wou'd be a great mortification to him , after having believed that he has the finest red and white in the universe between his armes , to find there is no such thing as red and white in nature . but if the complexion is a cheat upon our sences , what will you say to those ladies that practise the mystery of painting , and lay on the carnation and the white as thick as plaister ? 't is certain nothing can be more real , and so these ladies will enjoy a priviledge above the rest of their sex , i mean that of having a true complexion ; however , all the world are of another opinion , and will positively tell you that theirs is not true . i desire you to answer this argument at your leisure ; but this is not all , for madam de b — and my self have found out another objection against your philosophy , which you 'll find it no easie matter to answer . you pretend that beasts are no less machines than watches ; now i dare ingage , that if you put a certain machine call'd a dog , and another machine call'd a bitch together in the same room , there will result a third little machine from their corresponding together ; whereas you may put two watches together as long as you live , nay , till dooms-day if you please , and they will never produce a third watch between ' em . now madam b — and i find by our philosophy , that all those things , that being two , have yet the vertue to make three , are of a class much superiour to that of machines . we give you time to consider of an answer to these objections , for we know very well that you must consult your books , before you 'll be able to do it . madam b — sends you word by me , that she will not receive a visit from you , before you have made some reparation to her complexion : as for me , i assure you , i am a piece of clock-work newly wound up , to go in your service , am your most obedient servant . to madam d — v — vpon sending her a black and a monkey . madam , afric has exhausted herself for you , she sends you too of the oddest creatures she produces , and nothing wou'd be wanting to make my present compleat , if i cou'd send you a crocodile to keep 'em company . both of 'em are in perfection , the black is the saddest dog of all blacks , and the monkey is the most malicious devil of all monkies . i can assure you , that one of these beasts , has a mighty respect for the other , and is a profest admirer of his ingenuity and great parts . you 'll soon discover that this admirer is the black. besides it is an article of faith among those of his nation , that the monkies have as much reason as themselves , but that they conceal it as much as they can , by not talking , for fear men shou'd clap pack-saddles upon their backs , and make them work for their living . this black , madam , has a particular esteem for the monkey , as having lived under the same roof many years with him , and has not a jot of understanding more than he has learnt in his long acquaintance with him . but i have one advice to give you , madam , and that is to look him frequently in the face : our blacks in france turn tawny , and become of an olive complexion , which is enough to scare lueifer out of his senses . the physical reason of this is , because the sun is not strong enough in our clymate to keep up that charming black which it gives 'em in afric ; but , madam , your eyes , that are so lively and piercing , will supply the defect of the sun ; and will not let him lose an ace of his primitive complexion . i am extremely glad that you will always have a slave in your presence to represent me ; he is not more yours than i am ; if he gives you any occasion to have him well cudgel'd sometimes , to put him in mind of his duty , he something resembles me , for the devil of rebellion often tempts me to revolt against you . as for the monkey pray don't be surprised , madam , if you hear sighs come from him , that are strong enough to turn about a wind-mill , if you see him pass whole nights without sleeping a wink , if you find him as melancholy as a horse in a pound , when he is not in your company ; in fine , if he eats little and can't divert himself in any thing , for i must tell you , madam , that like a trusty servant he has learnt all this of his old master , who is , your most obedient , &c. to the same . on the death of her monkey . i am told your monkey is gone the way of all flesh , at which i am exceedingly griev'd , for i am like to be a great loser by his decease , since i have no body now to put you in mind of me but the black. the unhappy creature i suppose broke his heart because he was not able to imitate me before you , as well as he desir'd : indeed there was nothing which he cou'd not handsomly counterfeit with infinitely more ease than my passion ; but may his destiny light upon all the rivals you make me who shall have the insolence to be the apes of my affection ; perhaps too the poor thing drew your displeasure upon himself , for endeavouring to imitate my passion , and so unluckily dy'd of despair . if it is so , i have nothing left me to do , but to imitate him in my turn , and to die after him . i am inform'd you have shed some tears for him ; it is something of the latest to repent for the ill usage you have given him , but regulate your conduct i beseech you by him , and don 't oblige me to die , if you must needs regret me after death . it is very probable that if you so heartily lament the party that imitated me , you 'll grieve ten times more for your humble servant . i am an original of tenderness , and if you lose me , you are not like to find my fellow in haste , but must ev'n content your self with very scurvy copies . but , madam , let me conjure you , not to use the black the worse because he is my representative ; it wou'd be very hard upon him indeed , if for that reason he must meet with the destiny of the monkey . can you suffer nothing to be near you , that has the misfortune to bear some resemblance of my fidelity and devotion for you , but you must kill it by your cruelty ? the tears i shed for the death of the monkey are better founded than yours , since his adventure teaches me what i am to expect . farewel , madam , but remember if you please , that you cannot restore the late defunct to life again , but that you have still the power to preserve your humble servant , &c. to mademoiselle de c — vpon sending her an extract of the church-register . madam , i can without vanity boast , that i make you to day a very considerable present : in short , i give you two whole years ; you thought you were twenty two years old , and i bring it you attested in a paper under hand and seal , that you are but twenty ; now i reckon that i give you these years which i take away from you , and indeed in those matters we never reckon otherwise . the two years you thought had past over your head , are still to come , and i do my self the honour to make you a present of ' em . i am ready to die for fear , madam , that you will not value them as they deserve ; but good heavens ! the man that were able to make such a present , to certain ladies that shall be nameless , what favours might he not expect from their hand ? where is the white and the red , and where are the fine dresses and compliments that can be put into the ballance with two compleat years ? it is but reasonable , madam , i think , that you shou'd employ 'em wholly upon me , since you are indebted to me for ' em . when they are gone and past ; you may do what you please , i shall then pretend to have no manner of right over you , but with submission , madam , from the present moment till you are compleatly twenty two , you wholly belong to me . after that , i leave you just as i found you , at liberty to break off , or continue the commerce , according as you see convenient ; but if i find you not at all inclined to do me justice , know , madam , that i will suffer no one to love you , upon the foot of twenty years where-ever i go i will tell the company , that in truth you had not been so old by two years if you had not been so minded , but that you refused to accept 'em from me , and that since you don't love me , 't is but requisite you reckon your self to be twenty two years old . you little imagine perhaps to what strange hazards you expose your self , by making me master of the secret of your age : for 't is a secret , madam , which those of your sex keep inviolably to themselves , and perhaps the only one a woman can keep . several ladies have trusted me with the affairs of their families ; nay , even with their love ; but i cou'd never yet meet with one so open-hearted to trust me with her age. there are a thousand women that will run up to the mouth of a cannon , that will hang or drown with as much cheerfulness as if they went to a gossiping , that will make you nothing to jump down four stories : but , i never found a woman , that had courage and resolution enough to tell her age. the truth on 't is , the older they are , the more sensible they become of what importance it is , that they had not lived so many years . as for you , madam , who have not plaid your cards so cautiously as you should have done , you don't know how you will tremble one day left i should tell any tales of you . your destiny will depend upon me , and there is nothing which i cannot force you to comply with , if instead of a ponyard i send you the extract of the church-register . i dare ingage that you laugh at my menaces at present , and that you think the time is so far off , that you don't believe i shall ever live to see it . i am afraid indeed you 'll prove a prophetess , for unless you are less rigorous , you 'll soon dispatch your most obedient , &c. the end of monsieur fontanelle's letters , under the borrowed name of the chevalier d' her. original letters . lately written by mr. brown. to his honoured friend , dr. baynard at the bath . july . . dear doctor , while here in town we are almost roasted by the hot weather , and the sun plays so warmly on us , that some people who were of no religion before , talk of turning adamites in their own defence ; i cannot but laugh to think what a blessed pickle you are in at the bath , where such crowds of you stew in so little a pipkin ; where you broil upon the earth , parboil in the water , and you breathe the composition of gunpowder ; or , were there nothing extraordinary in your soyl , your climate , or the season of 〈…〉 ne-year , where you have pretty ladies en 〈…〉 sons to set you all on fire , though you were 〈…〉 ples or three degrees more to the north than lapland , and i were writing to you now in the midst of january . this is the first summer since the revolution , that the sun has been pleased to dispence any favours to us , for hitherto we have had as little reason to complain of his benignity to us , as the politiques of our states-men . our fruits have ripen'd without the influence of the one , as our affairs have made a shift to rub on without any great conjuring on the part of the other . the sun that ripens the grape , will likewise ripen feavors , and other such generous distempers , to the great joy of the poets and physicians ; and phoebus , their common father , will incourage his own tribe , by raising up a new stock of wines and diseases . indeed , where you are , it is almost impossible for the gentlemen of the faculty to want business , for if our last advices from the bath , don't deceive us , you have almost as many doctors upon the spot as you have patients , that watch the coming in of every coach , as nicely as a young boy at the university do the return of the carrier , and ply at all corners of the streets , 〈…〉 egularly as the watermen do at the 〈…〉 ple stairs : but it has long ago been 〈…〉 ed of you , as of the lawyers , that they will find or make work where-ever they come ; and accordingly i knew a little town in essex , where the inhabitants , time out of mind , had lived in as uninterrupted tranquility , as the happy indians did in america , before the spaniards came to beat up their quarters ; but upon an attorney's coming to reside amongst 'em , the face of affairs was immediately alter'd , tenants conspir'd against their landlords , hostlers revolted from their masters , and the apprentices took up arms against their lawful tyrants : not a tithe-egg could be had without an action , nor a pig under a suit in chancery , a spirit of division had crept into every family , maids betray'd their mistresses , girls rebell'd against their grandmothers , and sweethearts deserted their confiding damsels ; in short , every man stood as much upon his own guard , as if he had been in an enemy's country ; these were the blessed effects of the lawyer 's living amongst ' em . now doctor , it were a very hard case , if having so much credit at the bath , you cou'd not do as much for your self , as the above mention'd attorney did to promote his own business ; if you cou'd not philosophically reason people into distempers they were never troubled with , like the fanatick parsons that fly-blow their hearers with scruples they knew nothing of before . if you cou'd not cure'em of ails they never felt , and leave behind you maladies , you never found upon ' em . but i am inform'd that the tub-preachers are very much dissatisfied that you invade their territories , and encroach upon their prerogative of hell. your hot and cold baths ( they say ) put their brimstone and ice out of countenance ; and 't is reported , that by the skilful management of your torments , by scalding your patients at the bath in july , and freezing them at islington in december , you 've broke half the retailors of the terrours of pluto's kingdom . but to come now to the news of the town , we have had an apparition lately here , stranger than any in glanvill or aubry ; for it has appeared in the streets at noon day , and thousands of people are ready to depose that they have seen it . by this strange apparition , i mean the white parson , so call'd for his wearing a white hat-band , scarf , and sursingle , by which he distinguishes himself from the rest of his brethren . i cou'd wish you had been here in holbourn t'other morning , to have seen his cavalcade : he rode up the hill as great as a prince , and like other princes signalized his entry with printed declarations , with a great rabble of loud-mouth'd hawkers , male and female , bellowing it on every side of him ; and 't is supposed by the learned in astrology , that he will keep this declaration as religiously as some other princes beyond sea have kept theirs : in short , he pretends to preach the gospel gratis , and indeed as he manages it , it is pity he shou'd have a farthing for it : he calls the rest of his cloth hirelings , tho' unless the fellow is bely'd , he wou'd accept of a pot of ale from a chimney-sweeper , and has preach'd a hundred times upon a joint-stool for a pickl'd herring and a poringer of burnt brandy . the rozinante , on which this don quixote rode , had a laurel-garland about his head , and i dare swear , deserv'd the bays as well as his master ; for the wretch , as i am inform'd , is troubled with a whore to his wife , and his muse is an arrant jilt , the latter is the more common prostitute of the two . but , dear doctor , news are as scarce in town , as fees at the bath and it falls out unluckily for you and me , that we must change places , to find what we want ; for i hear you have a mint at the bath for scandal , as we have here for money ; so that 't is but shifting the scene , and we may draw bills upon one another , to answer our several occasions , till when , i am . melanissa to alexis . give me leave , my dearest alexis ! give me leave , who love you better than my life ; and if i make bold to reproach you with your failings , you will easily forgive this freedom , unless i am mightily mistaken in the humour of my alexis , when you find it wholly regard your own interest and welfare . it is not without a sensible concern that i see you abandon your self so to the bottle of late : a young fellow , but especially one like alexis , ought to devote himself to another divinity ; old age indeed may be allow'd to supply its defect of warmth with wine , but youth as it needs it not , so nature advises it to pursue a more agreeable game . but can any thing in the world be so absurd as to surfeit our selves with cordials when we have not the least indisposition ? to convince you then that my complaint is neither junust nor unreasonable , i , who know so little of the world , and have nothing but nature to guide me ; i who am a stranger to language , and style , and consequently must maim my thoughts , for want of knowing how properly to express 'em , will endeavour to describe to you , a night as it passes away in the embraces of an agreeable mistress , accompany'd with all the transports and tendernesses of love , and the night as it is commonly spent by what the town call men of wit and pleasantry , at the rose or blew-posts : the play is now over , and the sparks who while it was acting , rallied the vizard-masques , laugh'd aloud at their own no-jests , censur'd the dress and beauty of all the ladies in the boxes ; and , in short , minded every thing , but the representation that brought them thither , begin now to file off , and gravely debate how and where the evening is to spent ; at last the tavern is pitch'd upon , the room taken , and our learned criticks in pleasures seat themselves round the table . the master of the house is the first person they send to advise with ; who , after a few cringes and scrapes , tells 'em , he has the best champagne and burgundy in town , and is sure to ask an exorbitant price for 't , tho' 't is a vile nasty mixture of his own brewing . after a long and foolish dispute , the rate is adjusted , napkins are called for , the muff , sword and periwigg nicely laid up , and now something-like business comes forward . when these grand preliminaries are settl'd , the next important debate is , what they must eat ; so the cook is sent for , who recommends to 'em something nice and dear ; this difficulty with much a-do got over , the glasses plentifully walk round , to blunt and weaken that appetite which they pretend to excite by it . and now their hearts begin to open , and their tongues to communicate their most secret thoughts . the topping beauties of the town are the first subjects of their conversation , and this is so ample a field , that they soon lose their way in it ; one boasts of favours receiv'd from a lady , whom perhaps he never saw any where but at the play-house ; another tosts a countess , whom he pretends to admire in a particular manner , and gives broad items of an intrigue between her and a certain gentleman that shall be nameless ; in short , 't is resolv'd by the board , nemine contre dicente , that there is not one honest woman in the three kingdoms , who has beauty enough to gain her a lover . when this argument is pretty well exhausted , the next thing they talk of , is the authors of the town , and what books and plays have lately appear'd : upon this head , every man in the company affects to discover a peculiar tast and judgment , and thinks he shews his witt by finding faults , where there are none ; the play , whatever it is , is taken to pieces , the plot upon examination , is found either to be stolen , or not to be well unravel'd , the scenes are languishing , the characters thread-bare , or not worth a farthing ; infine , the poet is sent to the devil for want of wit , as the pert critick thinks he shews his , by condemning what he doth not understand . all this while the ungodly brimmer walks incessantly round the table , the company soon dwindles into private cabals , every man talks busily to his neighbour , affairs of state are determin'd , this minister is displac'd , and t'other man put into his room ; the proceedings in parliament laid down before-hand , and 't is concluded what regiments shall stand , and what be broken ; after this punctilio's of honour come to be discuss'd , the freshest duels behind mountague-house , and chelsey-fields are learnedly run over ; such a man is a coward for suffering captain — to tread upon his toes in the pit , and not calling him to account for it ; damn you , cries another , jack — is as gallant a fellow as ever drew sword , and whoever says any thing to the contrary , is a son of a whore and a villain , and i 'll cut his throat ; with that a bottle is thrown at his head , the glasses goes to rack , the table is overturn'd , nothing but disorder and confusion is in the room , and all this mirth and jollity concludes in murder . or if the scene doth not end altogether so tragically , but they part friends as they came in , ten to one but a merry frolick is proposed : the quarters of some ill-natu-red coquet are to be beaten up , and her poor windows must feel the sad effects of their heroick valour ; but while they are carrying on this attaque with unparalelled vigour and gallantry ; behold the superintendant of the night , with his trusty guard of mirmidons falls upon their main body ; some of our heroes lie sprawling in the kennel , with their trusty and well-beloved periwigs lying by 'em ; the embroider'd coat is all over cover'd with dirt and blood , the well-adjusted cravat torn to raggs , the sword either broke or carried off in the tumult ; and thus , after a well-favour'd drubbing , our sparks make a shift to crawl home to their lodgings , if the nocturnal magistrate and his canibals , don't hurry 'em to new-prison or the round-house , the usual sanctuary for such adventurers . but suppose nothing of this happens , and our merry gentlemen get home safe from the tavern , without any disaster or calamity by the way ; yet the next morning calls 'em to a severe account , for the misdemenors and intemperance of the proceeding night : their head akes , their whole frame is in disorder , they are incapable of relishing either books or conversation ; even musick it self , with all its boasted efficacy , is not able to allay their pains , the most exquisite dishes are nauseous to 'em , they starve amidst the greatest profusion of luxury , and curse that extravagance over night that starves them the next day in the midst of plenty . 't is certain , that i have been favourable in this description , 't is certain that i have not set down half the disorders that accompany a debauch while 't is a making , nor half the ill effects that happen after it . let us now turn the tables , to find whether love can be reproach'd with any of these inconveniencies that use to attend drunkenness : let us see how the moments wear away in the embraces of a delicious mistress ; and then we shall soon discover on which side the advantages lie , and be able to decide this controversie . i know very well that i want eloquence and language , to describe the raptures and transports of love as they deserve ; however , i am so well assur'd of the goodness of my cause , that altho' i am an unfit advocate to defend it , yet i don't much despair of carrying my point . the long expected night at last arrives , when damon is to be made happy in the arms of his beloved armida , with his head full of a thousand delightful idea's ; ( for love is so good-natur'd , as to pay his votaries part of their pleasure before-hand ) he comes to the happy mansion , where the chief treasure of his soul resides , he knocks gently at the door ; the trusty maid conducts him by the hand in the dark , and leads him to his mistress's apartment . at the first interview , he is all wrapt up in silence and astonishment , his thoughts so croud upon him , that they hinder one another in the passage ; after he is a little recover'd , he endeavours to speak ; but , alas ! his eyes talk infinitely more than his tongue . on her part , the confusion is no less , and her joys equally tumultuous ; thus finding themselves unable to discourse , they tell their passion in sighs and glances ; they confirm it by repeated kisses , and at every kiss their fluttering souls meet at their mouths . damon squeezes that hand , which almost dissolves in the touch ; he presses those glowing breasts that wou'd warm the coldest hermit ; but all this is nothing but the prologue to the succeeding drama . love calls upon 'em for a more substantial repast , though they are undrest in a minute , yet this very minute seems an age ; and now they are a going to tast all that felicity , which love can bestow , or humane nature can bear . the candle is put out to hide the blushes of armida ; she finds her eager lover by her side , who cost her so many tears and sighs in private . the happy lover is lost in a labyrinth of pleasure ; sometimes he abandons her breast for her mouth , and sometimes her mouth for her breast , and is only uneasie he cannot kiss 'em both together . he faints , he grows giddy with the excess of joy : nothing but half-formed words and murmurs can come from him ; at last he approaches love's altar , at last he — but here my pen fails me , i am forced to draw a vail over those raptures , which 't is not in the power of mortal eloquence to represent . thus our happy lovers , after they have repeated oblations to love , lay intranced in one anothers arms , and act over in their busie dreams , the delicious scenes that so transports 'em waking . the morning approaches , the blushing morning awakens the transported pair . amintas is beholding to its light , for showing him the nymph , in whose embraces he so agreeably past the night . she charmed him in the dark , she ravishes him in the light ; and the only uneasiness that attends their happiness , is impatience to repeat the bliss . both the lovers rise equally satisfied , with having done their parts , with gayety in their looks , and satisfaction in their souls : parting gives them some pain , but that is sufficiently recompensed at their next meeting . thus i have endeavour'd , my alexit , to show what a vast difference there is between a night murder'd in the excess of wine , and a night consecrated to love. though no truth is more evident than this ; yet our youth , possess'd by what fatal stupidity , i cannot tell ; generally devote themselves to the wrong divinity . instead of following the dictates of nature , whom they ought to obey , they treat her like an enemy , and profane those altars , they ought to pay their devotions at . i know well enough , that you gentlemen , don't much care to be advised by those frail things call'd women , and perhaps too you will tell me , that interest has made me say all this . however , let me conjure you to consider a little upon what i have offer'd to you , and believe that no one loves you so dearly and tenderly as melanissa . to a litigious country-attorney . a letter of gallantry . worthy sir , that i am no stranger to your character ( tho' , i bless my stars for it , i am to your person ) you 'll soon find , if you 'll give your self the trouble to read the following lines : there is no great pleasure indeed in drawing monsters ; however , since it may be of publick advantage to have 'em described in their true proper colours , that others may avoid , and detest 'em , i have ventur'd at the task , that your self , as well as the world , may see by reflection what you cannot help to be . to accommodate my self to the dialect of your profession , i will begin my letter like a bond , with a noverint vniversi : and may all men accordingly know by these presents , that mr. m. c. is the veriest pettifogging rascal that ever scandaliz'd a green bag , or came within the walls of westminster-hall . i have often wonder'd , that providence shou'd be at the trouble and expence of disordering the whole fabrick of nature , when it has decreed to punish us with dearths and famines , since it may go a more compendious way to work , and effect all these calamities by the ministry of lawyers . give a true lawyer but pen , ink , and parchment , and i dare engage he will starve the country ten miles round him . the most odious animals , and the most contemptible insects , have some use or other , living or dead , or at least serve to diversifie the universe : toads , they say , suck up the venome of the earth ; snakes are useful in medicine ; but it wou'd puzle the wisest naturalist to find out any thing good in a lawyer , ( i mean such a fellow as you are ) who abhor honesty , and plain-dealing , as much as a miser does charity , and build your own welfare upon the destruction of those poor wretches who fly to you for justice . we see puny rascals , of a lower class , truss'd up every sessions , for petty roguries to thine ; for easing the hedges of some lousie linnen , for nimming of cloaks , stealing of supernumerary spoons , &c. when such a villain , as you reduce whole families to poverty , and set a county together by the ears , and are so far from being call'd to an account for it , that you get an estate out of the publick by rapine and extortion , nose the parson of the parish , and insult over all the neighbours ; and , tho' you have tricks and evasions enough to escape justice here , yet you pay cent. per cent. interest for your rogury in another world ; the devil never keeps a holiday in good earnest , but when an attorney of your stamp makes a perpendicular leap into his dominions ; and he will no more part with him , when he has got him into his clutches , than one of his own lawyers will refund a fee ; possession being eleven points of the law in hell as well as in westminster-hall . thus , sir , you see i have made a little familiar with you and your function , and perhaps am bolder than welcome : but , sir , i have a favour to request at your hands , and i tell you before-hand , that you must not deny me . what i have to propose to you is not unreasonable or difficult ; for i don't desire you to make restitution of what you have unjustly plunder'd from so many families , nor to build hospitals , ( unless it be one for your father , who grazes upon the common : ) no , sir , you shall find me the fairest , the easiest man you ever dealt with : i am informed your house stands by the side of a famous river , which looks as if providence design'd you for the end i advise you to : so , sir , if you please , one of these fine mornings to take a leap into it from your garret , it will be the best-natur'd thing you ever did to the world in your life ; you need not cram your pockets with stones or lead , to make you sink , for your own sins are pondrous enough to do your business without 'em , if the proverb don't secure you . but , sir , if this will not do , as perhaps it mayn't , ( for , as i told you before , you shall find me the most reasonable man in the universe ) why then , sir , i wou'd advise you to hang your self in your closet , in your wife's garters , or rip up your guts with a case-knife , or cut your jugulars with a razor , or take a good large dose of opium ; or lastly , knock your brains out against a brick-wall : but then , sir , take my word for 't , you must knock hard ; for , your neighbours tells me , you have a confounded thick scull . in short , sir , i shan't insist nicely upon the how , the where , the when , provided the thing be done in a reasonable time : and i promise you under my hand , that the bells shall ring merrily , as soon as it is accomplish'd ; and to encourage you to proceed in this affair , i can assure you you 'll oblige no less than a whole county by it , and particularly your unknown servant . to mr. moult . london , july , . dear sir , according to promise i had written to you last saturday , but that i was obliged to accompany some gentlemen that morning to richmond , in expectation of hearing fine musick , which never in the play-house had pass'd the censure of a pit-fop ; and drinking true languedoc , never yet debauch'd in a vintner's celler . but it happen'd quite otherwise with us : for the wine was such sophisticated stuff , that i told the company , it set drunkenness on the same level with swearing ; i mean by disarming it of all excuses : and as for the musick , it was so abominable , that half a dozen welsh-harpers met upon st. david's day , to make merry over a mess of leek-porridge , could not have tormented the ears of a purcel with more discording thrumthrum . i dare almost ingage , had the same fellows play'd upon the same instruments before the town of jerico , the walls would have paid the same compliment to their harmony , as they did to that of the levites , for nothing could have patience to stand still and listen to their performances . so , after this double disappointment , we were forc'd , very late in the evening , or very early in the morning , ( i wont be positive which ) to go back to our boat , and return for london , reflecting all the way as severely on our mispent-time , as a town-lady , who has oblig'd a poet with her favours all night , and gets nothing in the morning for her pains , but the copy of a new song for breakfast . when i had the happiness of seeing you last in town , i told you that you should not fail of having a letter from me every other post ; i am afraid i shall be better than my word , and persecute you more constantly then a city-vintner does a country parliament-man that chalk'd it plentifully last winter sessions . since i have no other way of conversing with you but by letters , you may depend upon seeing me twice a week at least , tho' were you in town i believe i should scarce vissit you so often . but , dear friend of mine , this is purely the effect of absence . i knew a certain gentleman , who , when he was at home with his wife , scarce vouchsaft to exchange a word with her once a week ; but being obliged to take a journey as far as york , he never fail'd of writing to her every post , and longer letters too , than a clergiman does when he recommends himself to his patron for a fat living . the reason of it is plain , because all blessings ( and such i say is mr. m — 's conversation to me and every one that knows him ) are never throughly understood when we have 'em in our possession , and are never so much valued as when they are at some distance from us . thus , my dear friend , for want of something else to entertain you , i have fallen the lord knows how , into making moral reflections , which was never my talent ; but if a man is to govern himself by the examples he sees in this wicked town , i don't know why i should not be allow'd to talk out of my element , as well as a thousand more which i cou'd name to you , were i disposed to be ill-natur'd : i cou'd tell you of a certain famous painter , who understands his trade and business , as well as most men living , and yet is perpetually new modeling the government , and harping upon politiques , which he understands just as much as the lord-mayor and aldermen do arabick . i know a city physician , who can dispatch his patients as fast as any of the colledge , yet in spite of nature and his own genius , will be always murd'ring of rhimes , and feeling the pulse of the muses : and another of the faculty near charing-cross , who instead of galen and hippocrates is perpetually puzling himself with daniel , and the revelations . i know a lawyer perfectly well versed in all mysteries of conveyancing , who , by his good will , talks of nothing in all companies but the merits of cows piss , and the modern dispute betwixt alcali's and acids . there is also a famous parson i cou'd mention to you near st. dunstan's , who preaches his parish fast asleep every sunday with the opium he puts in his sermon , yet over his coffee must be setling the affairs of europe , the succession of spain , and the union of the two east-india companies , of all which he talks more wretchedly than a poet or a beau does of religion ; though , by the by , this must be said in his justification , that he talks much better of every thing , than what he was educated to . i can't tell how you 'll relish such an insipid letter as this , but 't is my misfortune at present , that i can't furnish you a better treat : for my part , i had rather rob the spittle , or quote second-hand sayings , from a second-hand wit at will 's coffee-house , than be beholding to those dull rogues that writes the weekly news-papers : however , i hope to make you amends the next post ; and in the mean time beg leave to subscribe my self . to mr. george moult . a letter of news . august , . dear sir , having nothing of our own growth to entertain you with , i stole into a french coffee-house near soho this afternoon ; where a parcel of persecuted poor hugonots , who had just shifted off their rags , and crept into good cloaths , by the help of our english charity ; were railing against the tyranny of their quondam k — g , like so many alms-folks against the churchwardons of their parish , and express'd as great an aversion to their own native country , as a jew to bacon , or the scotch kirk to lawn-sleeves : amongst the rest was a parson , who calling for a dish of tea , the coffee-man , through good husbandry , had converted one of his wooden shooes ( which i suppose he came over in ) to the use of a sugar-box , which the preacher took up as a text , and gave us a very good afternoon's lecture , upon the miseries of his country men , in which the ungainly slipper was oftentimes made use of , as a very serviceaable tipe . this being over , i began to examine the foreign papers , to see what news . but europe , as large as it is , being from the farthest extremity of spain , to the remotest parts of muscovy , at least two thousand miles in length ( more than i shall ever be master off ; ) europe , i say , that contains two empires , fourteen kingdoms , and the devil knows how many principalities , dukedoms , marquisates and earldoms , with a pope at the head of it too , that loves mischief as dearly , as a fryer does nuns flesh , is not able at present to furnish out a letter for you ; but to satisfie you , that i have not been wanting , on my part , to hunt for foreign occurrences ; i have here sent you an abridgment of the most material passages in the outlandish gazets . our last letters from warsaw advise , that three poles were run through the guts by three german soldiers , and that some of the small diets are broke up in a heat ; but , alas , what are murders and mutinies in poland ? no more than simony in a welsh bishop . they talk too , that the cardinal primate , grumbles in his gizard , and is not so hearty to the king as he should be ; but when did you know a church-man in authority , and not endeavour to blow up the coals of sedition to the hightest aggravation , if it lay in his power ? i wish some one or other wou'd send him over bishop overhall's convocation-book . for certainly what help'd to open the eyes of the d — of p — 's can never fail of working miracles , in so enlighten'd a country as poland . madrid , july . the king of spain's health is much alter'd for the better of late , he eats and walks to a miracle ; for yesterday at dinner , he ravenously devour'd a whole lark , and without any one to support him , made a shift to walk threescore foot out-right . this re-establishment of his health , the priests , ten to one , will father upon some she or he-saint , that knows nothing of the matter ; but i heard a merry gentleman a day or two ago account for it otherwise . as monica said of her beloved son st. austin's conversion , that it was impossible for a son of so many tears ever to miscarry ; so 't is impossible , crys this gentleman , that a monarch , whose health is drank in all the taverns in christendom , which are not frenchify'd ; shou'd do otherwise then find in himself a sensible alteration for the better ; and i pray to god continually , that a certain person , who waits so impatiently for a certain dead man's spanish slippers , may go bear foot , and not have so much as a pair of french wooden-shooes to keep him out of the dirt. paris , july . the king's statue was lately set up here in the place de vandome ; 't is a perfect colossus , and mons. geriardin has made it appear , that our monarch has been drawn three times bigger than the life , not only by his parsons , his poets , and his historiographers , but by his statuaries too . the ceremony of the erection was very magnificent , several of the nobility , the counsellors of the parliament , and the principals of the citizens , assisted at it in all their formalities ; and if it had been the custom of the place , the city recorder had made a handsome speech to the figure . our letters from all parts of the kingdom informs us , that the poor hugonots are persecuted ten times more severely , if possible , than the witches in scotland , and 't is thought deserve it as little . rome , july . our last letters from hence advise , that mighty preparations are making for the ensuing jubile ; most of the charnel-houses and tooth-drawers shops have been disfurnished of late , on purpose to provide relicts for the great number of votaries we expect here . a carmelite fryer has brought a most valuable rarity with him from the holy-land , which he presented last week to his holiness : 't is the comb which belong'd to the cock that set st. peter a weeping ; and the pope , they say , designs to make a present of it to a peculiar favourite ; we are like to be over-run with strumpets from all parts of christendom , who flock hither partly to wipe off their old scores , and partly to begin a fresh tick with heaven . 't is found by a modest computation at present , that they are at least ten harlots to one church-man already . how will they be over-power'd then , when the whole posse is got to rome ? however it is hoped that we shall have a speedy reinforcement of brawney well-chin'd regulars , and seculars from the north , to keep the balance more even between the gown and the petticoat . this is the first time that a plurality of concubines was ever thought a grievance at rome . amsterdam , july . the magistrates of this place , lately took into their pious considerations , the reforming the abuses of the long cellar , and one of them proposed to have it lock'd up ; for which he had lik'd to have been dewitted by the mob , for a parsel of saylors hearing of it , gather'd in great numbers about his house , demolish'd his windows , and had proceeded farther in their out-rage , had not some of the topping burgomasters pacified 'em , by telling 'em the old immunities , and priviledges of the long cellar shou'd be continued to them and their heirs for ever . it was likewise proposed in our councel , to have laid some new penalty upon drankenness but it being represented to 'em , that it wou'd incense the people , and bring down the excise , for that reason they went no farther in it . last week four men and as many women came from the dutchy of juliers to this place , with a spick and span new religion ( as 't is reported ) the whole contents of which , may be carried in the compass of a snuff-box : they give out that it is the easiest and cheapest religion that ever was known , and have offer'd it to the states for the value of four thousand gilders ; if it be rejected , they design to embark for england , and see what market they can make of their new religion at london . two learned criticks of the university of leyden have had a long contest about the right spelling and writing the word idcirco ; and , at last , have agreed to referr the matter to dr. b — y , who being a person of singular humanity , 't is not doubted but he will do it to satisfaction . edenburgh , july . we have not had for these ten years last past so favourable a summer as now ; so that we don't doubt , but that our sloes will ripen ; and the kirk has appointed a general thanksgiving for it : fifty two witches are in custody in several prisons in this kingdom , and many terrible things are alledg'd against 'em , and some of them have been such silly jades to own themselves guilty , chusing to be burnt outright , rather than live any longer like witches . the chief discoverer of them is mr. sawney cockburn , who knows all the witches forms in the kingdom ; and with his kirk terriers will unearth you ten of 'em in a morning : we build great expectations upon our new coloney at darien , and talk of covering all the churches in edenburgh with silver in a very short time ; but others , who are not altogether so sanguine , are of opinion , that all these mighty pretences will fall to the ground : and now i am upon this article , give me leave to tell you , that i heard a polititian talk in the rainbow coffee-house yesterday upon this matter ; i am confident , says he , that the hand of heaven will appear very visible in the chastisement of the scots in this new project of theirs upon america . they have impudently bid defiance to fate , and opposed the decrees of providence , for as god almighty from eternity decreed the germans to be drunkards , the french to carry pack-sadles , the jews to be rascals ; so he predestinated the scots to be pedlars ; accordingly we find , the germans to this day get drunk before noon , the french carry pack-sadles to this day , and so will do in secula seculorum , the jews cheat on still , and the english rebel ; only the scots must kick against the decrees of fate , and instead of pedlars , a title their ancestours aquiest in for two thousand year and upward , set up for merchants , forsooth ; but if ever they make any thing on 't , says he , ( and if they are not at last reduc'd to their old ancient pedlarism ) i 'll forfeit my reputation of a prophet to you , although they have cheated king william out of an act of parliament , i believe they will find it a hard matter , withal their craft and cunning , to cheat heaven . thus , sir , i have sent you the most important occurrences i cou'd find in the foreign papers . but as to london , which used to be an inexhaustible magazine of news and scandal , it affords neither at present . our beaux are all gone down to tunbridge and the bath , in hopes to make conquests in both those places ; where i presume they will succeed as well as our dear brethren beyond the twede in their new caledonian plantation ; but a month or two hence they will return to town with their pockets as empty as their heads . the lawyers are gon down to their respective habitations to sow dissention amongst his majesty's liege people in the country , and will reap , no doubt on 't , a most plentiful harvest the next michaelmas-term . our old red-nosed claret-drinkers have now left us to recruit , by a vacation-sobriety , their decayed carcases , and enable 'em to sit up whole nights with the parliament-men the next winter . in short , the stock-jobbers have left the change , and the citizens are half of 'em gon to epsom , in order to cuckold one another , which is the best news at present from your assured friend , &c. from the gun musick - booth in smithfield , in the time of bartholomew-fair . aug. . . dear george , all things are hush'd , as law it self were dead , poor pensive fleetstreet , droops its mournful head ; smooth alcalies in peace with acids sleep ; the church and stage no longer difference keep ; the pulpit-drums don't beat . and now the spirit of versification leaving me in the lurch , i come to tell you in honest prose , i mean no more by all this rumbling stuff , than to let you know this is the long vacation , which lawyers , poor whores , and taylors , as well as many other trades , curse as heartily together as ingrossers of corn do a plentiful harvest , or cole-merchants a warm winter . yet tho' many are glad this penitential season is near expired , as for my part , i cou'd heartily wish , as a soldier does by the wars , or a woman by enjoyment , it would last much longer . you 'll tell me , that this is a paradox ; for why the plague shou'd a man desire to be in town , when it is a desert in a manner , when all the best company is gone to tunbridge , epsom or the bath ? all this may be true ; but before you and i part , perhaps i may bring you to be of another opinion , and reconcile you to the long vacation . in the first place : you must know , that i hate to be in a crowd ; for which reason i wonder , why so many wise gentlemen shou'd be so fond to go to the jubile at rome , where they are like to be throng'd and crowded as much as a spectator at a country bull-baiting , and with almost as bad a mob ( pardon the insolence of my expression ) for considering what a vast multitude of priests , fops and bigots are gathered together at rome , from all corners of the universe , i wonder how an honest man can think himself safe in so dangerous a crowd , or a wise man please himself with the sacred farces of a church rabble . in short , i love the long vacation upon the same account that some honest claret - drinkers love walking home at midnight , because the streets are clearer and not so incommodious as at other times . besides , london is at no time of the year so thinly peopl'd ( god be thanked ) but a man , with a little industry , may find company enough of both sexes , to the ruine of his health and consumption of his estate . but this is not all , a universal spirit of civility reigns over all the town , the tradesmen are more confiding and the harlots better natur'd . a vintner , who , in the hurry of michaelmas-term , is as difficult of access as a privy-counsellor , will now give you his company for asking , and perhaps club his bottle into the bargain ; and the very individual damsel , with whom a month or two hence , nothing below a senator will go down , or at least a man that will bribe as deep , is now so humbled by the emptiness of the town , that for the credit of being carried in a coach to her lodgings , and the expence of a bottle of wine , to treat her landlady , will put on a clean smock to oblige you , without so much as exacting mony to pay the landress . i cou'd say a thousand things more in behalf of the vacation , but i shall content my self at present , that it produces bartholomew-fair ; and when i have said that , i think it needs no farther panegyrick . if antiquity carries any weight with it , the fair has enough to say for it self on that head. fourfcore years ago , and better , it afforded matter enough for one of our best comedians to compose a play upon it : but smithfield is another sort of a place now to what it was in the times of honest ben ; who , were he to rise out of his grave , wou'd hardly believe it to be the place where justice over-do made so busie a figure , where the crop-ear'd parson demolish'd a ginger-bread stall , where nightingales sung balads and fat vrsula sold pig and botled ale. as i have observ'd to you , this noble fair is quite another thing then what it was in the last age , it produces opera's of its own growth , and is become a formidable rival to both the theaters ; it no longer deals in humble stories , of crispin and crispianus , of whittington's cat , with the merry conceits of king edward the fourth and the tanner of tamworth : it beholds gods descending from machines , who express themselves in a language suitable to their character : it trafficks in heroes , it raises ghosts and apparitions ; it has represented the trojan horse , the workmanship of the divine epeus ; it has seen st. george encounter the dragon , and overcome him . in short , for thunder and lightning , for songs and dances , for sublime fustian and magnificent nonsence , it comes not short of drary-lane or lincolns-inn-fields . but , to leave off this bombast , with which the booths have infected me , and deliver my self in a more familiar stile , you are to know , that , at this present writing , your humble servant is in a musick-booth ; yet , tho' he is distracted with a thousand noises and objects , as a maid whirling round with a dozen rapiers at her neck , a dance of chimny-sweepers , and a fellow standing on his head on the top of a quart-pot , he has both leisure and patience enough to write to you . smithfield had always the reputation of being a place of persecution , with this difference , that the women do that in this age which the priests did in the last , and make as many poor sinners suffer as by fire . cheap - side cits come to see horned beasts brought hither from all parts of the world , when they might behold the very same monsters at home , if they wou'd but be at the pains of consulting their own looking-glasses : the pious reformers of the city have been long endeavouring to put down this nursery of wickedness and irreligion , as they call it ; but the beloved wives of their own bosoms , and their vertuous daughters , better understand their own interest , than to lose any opportunity of getting abroad and planting cuckoldom and fornication , as their mothers did before ' em . certainly no place sets mankind more upon a level than smithfield does ; lords and bellows-menders , beaux and fleaers of dead horses , colonels and foot-soldiers , bauds and women of vertue , walk cheek by jole in the cloisters , and jostle one another by candle-light , as familiarly as nat. lee's gods in oedipus jostle one another in the dark . the poor vizard-masks suffer most unmercifully ; no sooner can one of this character shew her head within this priviledg'd place , but she is hurried into a corner , and a hundred several hands are examining at once whether she carries any contraband-goods about her . the woman's children in the maccabees , that chose rather to suffer than pollute themselves with swines-flesh , wou'd have died ten thousand deaths rather than so much as tasted a pig 's ear in smithfield , with a thousand of prince molach's subjects floating in the sauce about him . but i suppose our vertuous people swallow pig and pork so earnestly to shew their aversion to judaism . so much may suffice at present , for i am just now going to a puppet-show to see the creation of the world and noah's flood , which will give me more satisfaction , i don't question , than dr. woodward's hypothesis , mr. whiston's theory , or any new system of our modern vertuoso's . i am your most humble servant . a consolatory letter to my lady — on the death of her husband . madam , i was very much surprized to hear that your ladyship took so much to heart , the loss of your husband , that your relations should not be able to conquer so obstinate a grief , or that a person of your good sence and resolution should be so unfashionable and so weak , as to pay that respect to the ashes of the dead , which well-bred women now-a-days can scarce afford to the living ; i will not pretend to attack your grief in the common formes , i will not represent to you , that all flesh is grass , that nothing is exempt from the laws of fate , and that 't is in vain to regret a loss which it was not in our power to prevent ; these thread-bare topicks i shall leave to divines and philosophers , and shall content my self , to oppose your lamentations , with arguments better suited to your present condition . 't is true , madam , you have lost a husband , but what of that ? have not thousands done so before you ? but then consider , that his death makes room for a new election . a widow ought no more to afflict her self for the death of her husband , than a country corporation ought to go into mourning for the death of the member that represented 'em in parliament ; for without staying for a writ from the clark of the crown , she may proceed to a new choice as soon as she sees convenient . your husband , god be thank'd , has neither carried your youth with him into the other world , nor your joynture ; cou'd he have robb'd you of either of those blessings , you might have just reason to complain ; but i think a woman's condition is not very desperate , when her two surest friends , her beauty and her wealth stick close to her . as you have charmes , and money enough to procure you store of lovers , so in my opinion , it must needs be an agreeable diversion in your present sorrow , ( for i will allow you , madam , to keep up the appearance of it ) to observe the different stile and language of your admirers , one will tell you , that he adores the perfections of your soul , exclusive of all worldly considerations ; but , madam , have a care of these platonicks , for a man that makes vigorous court to the body , is worth a thousand coxcombs , that pretend to be in love with your soul ; another will tell you , that he is ready to hang or drown for your sake , and desires you to chuse what sort of death for him you think fit , if you deny him that blessing wherein his life can be only happy . be govern'd by me , madam , and take such a lover at his word , if he decently dispatch himself ; you may take it from me , that he lov'd in earnest , but if he fails to give you this testimony of his affection , you may conclude him to be a hippocrite ; a third perhaps will boast of his acres , and tell you what a large settlement he will make you , whatever you do , pray take care of these smithfield gentlemen , for not one in a thousand is honest at bottom . it will be a pleasant amusement to you , to manage these humble servants of yours so artificially , as to make all of 'em hope ; yet , at the same time jealous of one another , to steal a kind glance sometimes at one , and bestow a gracious nod sometimes upon another , and after you have thoroughly examined their several merits and qualifications , to proceed in your choice , as the cardinals do at the election of a pope , and pitch upon one , which , in all probability , is likely to make a sede vacante . thus , madam , instead of dwelling upon the illustrious qualities of the defunct , to the usual method of common comforters , i have made bold to lay down before you , the measures you are to take with the living . i confess i have venter'd upon a task for which i am no ways fitting : solomon has told us , that the hearts of kings are unsearchable ; which , i suppose , he knew to be so by his own case ; he might have added , when his hand was in , that the hearts of widows are past finding out : thus , madam , you are not to wonder , if the directions i have given you , are none of the surest ; however , such as you see 'em , they are at your service , as is likewise , madam , your most obedient and faithful , &c. to mr. moult , upon the breaking up of bartholomew-fair . sept. , dear sir , the glory is departed from smithfield , and intriguing has left the cloisters ; in short , bartholomew-fair is over , et voila mon ami les miserables effets d' une si grand● revolution . those very individual persons , who , two days ago , glitter'd in imperial tinsel , govern'd kingdoms in imagination , commanded legions , and talk'd sublime heroic in tragic buskins ; those very persons , i say , who put the sun out of countenance in his double capacity , both as the god of poetry , and the governor of the day , who , out-shone him at noon with their brighter bristol stones , and out metaphor'd all parnassus in the booth , who commanded respect from the inferiour mobb , and drew the eyes of the whole city , more than a lord-mayor at a publick cavalcade : — quis talia fando , myrmidonum , dolopumve , aut duri miles vlyssis , temperet à lachrymis ? are now , by a most wonderful revolution of fate , divested of all their splendour and magnificence , their troops , their armies , nay , their very guards have deserted 'em ; they are now reduced to the common obscurity of mankind ; instead of the most exquisite wine , that used to crown their glasses , we find 'em now burying the regret of their lost sovereignty in humble flip , or more humble anniseed ; and are glad to be trusted for a dinner at a boiling-cook's , and snore contentedly in a garret . and those charming dulcibella's , who , by the unparalell'd lustre of their eyes , forced monarchs to lay their scepters at their feet , who had the disposal of kingdoms and dominions , who stole away the hearts of all beholders , and , when ever they pleas'd , drew either admiration or pity from the spectators , are now , by their lik● inconstancy of fortune , oblig'd to return to the privacies of a less pompous life . they , whom yesterday's sun beheld so majestically secure , that they refused a gracious smile to prostrate princes ; nunc in quadriviis , & angiportis , glubunt magnanimos bruti nepotes . are now glad to dispence their utmost favours , for no higher a bribe than a silver-thimble , and a double-guilt brass-ring at most . they pollute themselves with the sorrowful embraces of their fellow-sufferers : in the day-time , foot stockings , wash foot-mens socks , and charitably make up breaches in old . muslin and lace ; regale themselves with a pint of milk at noon , and gray-pease at night , trudge it on foot from charing-cross to the change ; and , with their officious elbows , remind all the passers-by of their desolate condition : in fine , they , who so lately commanded the whole vniverse , are under perpetual alarms from watch-men and constables ; and , though they so often fee the savage justice's clark , are often forc'd to submit to the barbarous discipline of bridewell and new-prison . but tho' bartholomew-fair be dead , and buried for a twelvemonth , yet , it is some consolation to us , that it revives in both the play-houses . poetry is so little regarded here , and the audience is so taken up with show and sight , that an author need not much trouble himself with what he writes , so he is but in fee with the dancing-masters , and has but songs enough to lard his dry composition . one wou'd almost swear , that smithfield had removed into drury-lane , and lincolns-inn-fields , since they set so small a value on wit and sence , and so such trifles that have no relation to the play. to convince you , that i have reason for what i say , i will transcribe one of their own bills , that you may see what sorry entertainment they are now accostomed to . by the by , i am to tell you , that some of their late bills are so very monstrous , that neither we , nor our fore-fathers , ever knew any thing like them , they are as long as the title pages to some of mr. prin's works , nay , you may read the gazette , even when it is most crouded with advertisements , sooner than run over one of them . in the first place , here are to be seen , the mimick entertainments of mr. clinch of barnet , who makes a most incomparable consort with a pair of tongs , and a key . in the next place , there is to be a dance of bohemian women ; then the worthy gentleman that danced the cheshire-rounds , has been pleas'd , at the instance of several persons of quality , to shew his parts upon the stage . it were to be wished the war had continued , for then we had not been over-run with a parcel of fine light-heel'd messieurs , who are a greater nusance to our theatre , than the privateers were to our merchant-men in the chanel : we had mons. l'abadie , mons. balon , the famous burlesque dancers from paris , and the famous madam — las — that had the honour to dance before the duke of orleance , the daulphin , and the lord knows how many persons of honour : besides , i had lik'd to have forgot to tell you , that one of their bills promised us wonderful things , from a gentleman that sung like a turkey-cock . shortly , i suppose , we shall have all sorts of sights and shows here , as , jumping through a hoop ; for why may we not have that as well as mr. symson's vaulting upon the wooden-horse , dancing upon the high ropes , leaping over eight mens heads , wrestling , boxing , cudgeling , fighting at back-sword , and quarterstaff , bear-baiting , and all the other noble exercises , that divert his majesty's people at hockley i' th' hole ? not forgetting the witty pranks of punchinello , and the merry conceits of the little pickle-herring . what a wretched pass is this wicked age come to , when ben. johnson , and shakespear wont go down with 'em , without these baubles to recommend 'em , and nothing but farce and grimaces will go down ? for my part , i wonder they have not incorporated parson bu — ess in their society , for after the auditors are stupified with a dull scene , or so , he wou'd make a shift to relieve 'em : in short , mr. collier may save himself the trouble of writing against the theatres , for , if these lew'd practices are not laid aside , and sence and wit come in play again , a man may easily foretel , without pretending to the gift of prophesie , that the stage will be short-liv'd , and that the strong kentish man will take possession of the two play-houses , as he has done of that in dorset-garden . i am your humble servant . p. s. the only news we have at present , is , that the strong kentish man ( of whom you have heard so many stories ) has taken possession of the theatre in dorset-garden ; and how they 'll get him out again the lord knows , for he threatens to thrash all the poets , if they pretend to disturb him in his new quarters . mr. joseph hains , was his master of the ceremony , and introduced him in a prologue upon the stage ; and indeed , who was so fit to do it , as this person , whose breath is as strong , as the kentish man's back . i don't doubt , but that several of the ladies , who saw this prodegy of a man , long'd to try a fall with him in private , like the woman in ovid , that was desirous to lie with hercules , upon the score of his strength . her words , unless my memory fails me , were these , — subiit me magna cupido , ferre virum , tulerat qui prius ipse polum . she had heard that hercules had bore heaven upon his back , which set her concupiscence upon tiptoes , to bear so heavenly-minded a champion ; like citizens , that long to intrigue with the minister , in hopes to partake in his godliness . to w. k. esq being a relation of a journy to london . sir , you are earnest to know how i got to town , and what adventures i met upon the road. since you can condescend to entertain your self with trifles of this nature , be pleased to take them as they follow : as soon as i came to reading , i sent the man of the house , where i lay that night , to enquire what places were taken in the coach ; who brought me word , that only one place was taken , and that for a woman . i presently represented to my self some maid , wife or widow of nineteen , with black roguy eyes , cherry cheeks , narrow mouth , swelling breasts , and a breath as sweet as violets . i thanked my kind stars for this favourable opportunity , and with these pleasant imaginations passed away the night very agreeably . next morning , full of these charming idea's , i made hast to the inn where the coach lay : but , good heavens ! no sooner did i peep within the booted caravan , but i found my self the most lamentably disappointed that ever poor sinner was . instead of the beauty i had represented to my self , behold an old gentlewoman with formidable whiskers , her nose and chin as ready to meet as the two ends of a half-moon , and a dismal forehead-cloth into the bargain , cooled my courage . a man of more piety than my self wou'd have thanked heaven for being so favourable to him , and securing him from a temptation ; but , i'faith , i cou'd not find in my heart to do it . into the coach i stept , but with as much regret on my side , as a transport enters a virginia ship , and , without so much as bidding her ladiship good-morrow , i compos'd my self to sleep as well as i cou'd ; and , being pretty well prepared for it , by what i had been doing the night before , slept ten miles perpendicular , without the least interruption , till we came to maidenhead . here we took up a captain , and two gentlemen besides . the captain was one of the most agreeable entertaining gentlemen that ever could have atton'd for my former disappointment : he had been in the service ever since the campaigning at hounslow , since which he had seen most of the action in scotland , ireland , and flanders . our conversation at first ran upon politicks : religion succeeded to that discourse ; and , when we were weary with that subject , by one unanimous consent , we fell upon women . the captain , who , as i told you before , was a man of wit and pleasantry , diverted us extreamly upon this argument : he told us , that as other gentlemen devoted their time to geometry or musick , or any thing else which they fancied , he had made it his business to study women , and had arrived to so great a perfection in this noble science , that , after the first interview , he cou'd as certainly tell how many days a woman wou'd hold out , and when she wou'd deliver , as monsieur vauban cou'd tell when any town wou'd surrender . i compare , says he , a woman to a fortification ; in the first place , because it is in my own way . and , secondly , because there 's the greatest resemblance in the world between them . there 's no fortification so strong , nor no woman so vertuous , but , by open force or stratagem , may be made to yield . the world is at liberty to talk what it pleases ; but i positively maintain , that every woman is to be taken : they are either to be undermin'd by flattery , or won by bribery , which we military men call capitulation , or else ( but it does not happen once in a hundred years ) to be managed by downright strength . now all the art lies to know how to employ these expedients . some ladies will be flatter'd into love , whom all the bribes that stir about weminster-hall in a session can never move : and others , by far the greatest part of the sex , are to be managed by mony , who have too much discretion to be imposed upon by flattery . and there are others too great for bribery , and insensible to all the flattery in the world , that must be vanquished by force . tho' their inclinations , gentlemen , are as rampant as yours , nay perhaps fiercer , yet they wou'd seem to be forced ; they think 't is an excuse for their infirmity , and quarrel with you after you have obliged them . it was my fortune , gentlemen , about some eight years ago , to be quarter'd upon an elder , when some of our troops were in scotland : his wife , as to her beauty , was but indifferent , but she was young , and she belonged to the kirk , which were two extraordinary temptations , especially the latter . i offer'd her half a piece , which was a mighty sum in that country , but cou'd not prevail . then i laid out all my stock of rhetorick upon her , and made a goddess of this coquette , but to as little effect as before . at last it came into my head to take the following course ; i spoke well of the covenant , and railed at the bishops , after i found her communicative enough of her person . the next summer we were sent for over into ireland , and , after the decisive battel of the boyn , pursued the broken remains of k. james's army . in short , gentlemen , i have tried all the tricks in the world with them , and find , by long experience , that flattery does more than sincere dealing with them , and drink more than flattery , mony more than that , and religion , i mean the pretence of it , more than flattery , drink and mony put together . this you may take for granted , for spinosa and vanninus never made a quarter so many atheists , as love. since i am upon this argument , gentlemen , and we have nothing else to talk of , give me leave to tell you a short story relating to this affair : the scene lies in wales , or the borders of it , i wont be positive , but i dare swear it will divert you for want of a better : in the country above-mentioned lives a family , very remarkable for their godliness , by the same token that there were always three or four presbyterian divines , with as many young cubs of the schism , to keep the house in due order . from morning to night there was nothing but exhortation , and vse , and application was to be heard within the walls . the cook exhorted the butler , the groom gave spiritual advice to the gardiner : yet , amidst all this whining and praying , and singing of psalms , the devil , who owed the family a grudge , for making this mock-war against him , seduced my lady's praying-gentlewoman to commit acts of wickedness with one of the knight's praying-footmen : this zealous pair managed the matter with so little discretion , that their amour was discovered by some of their fellow-servants ; but godly people , you know , think themselves above scandal . at last , word was brought to the old lady , that they were actually in bed. at first she disbelieved the news , but finding it confirmed by other witnesses , she went to this scene of lewdness , taking with her a smith to break open the door , in case of opposition , and a nonconformist parson to awake their consciences for them , in case they found them impenitent . upon the first alarm that my lady gave them , the lovers wou'd not answer ; but when they found the smith began to break open the door in good earnest , the footman got up and open'd it . the old lady cou'd hardly forbear striking them , so much was her holy spleen provoked at the profanation of her house : but she thunder'd out judgments plentifully against them , and the divine that was with her did the same . in short , the footman had his livery stript over his ears , and the poor wench was sent home to her relations , by the same token that she attempted to drown her self by the way . this godly family was in a strange disorder to be defiled thus with fornication ; and the master of it , being then in london , this unhappy news was sent to him , withal desiring his advice to know what must be done upon this occasion . he order'd the bed , upon which this sinful action had been committed , to be carried out of the gates of the house , and there to be burnt . on the day when this was put in execution , the discarded footman chanced to come by , as fire was set to the offending materials , and being told the reason of it , my master , says he , might have let this bonefire alone ; for , to my knowledge , if he 's resolved to punish in this manner every bed that has been accessory to fornication , there 's not one in the house can 'scape him . the captain had just made an end of his story as the coach was got upon the stones . i took my leave of the company in the hay-market , being obliged , as you know , to visit mr. c — ; by whom i find , that there 's no stirring for me out of town this month or two . had not the end of our journy caus'd a separation of our company , i question not but the witty conversation of my fellow-traveller would have furnished me with something farther to have entertain'd you ; but since our different affairs robb'd me of the opportunity , i beg you to accept , at second-hand , what i have borrow'd from another to oblige you , and you will more than recompence the good intentions of your humble servant . a love-letter from an officer in the army , to a widow whom he was desperately in love with before he saw her . tho' i never had the happiness to see you , no , not so much as in a picture , and consequently can no more tell , what complexion you are of , than he that lives in the remotest part of china ; yet , madam , i am fallen passionately in love with you , and this affection has taken so deep root in me , that in my conscience i cou'd die a martyr for you , with as much alacrity , as thousands have done for their religion ; though they were as ignorant of the truth , for which they dy'd , as i am of your ladiship . this may surprize you , madam , but you 'll cease to wonder , when i shall acquaint you what it was , that not only give birth to my passion , but has so effectually confirm'd it . last week , riding into the country about my lawful affairs , it was my fortune to see a most magnificent seat upon the road ; this excited my curiosity to enquire after the owner of so beautiful a pile ; and being told , that it belong'd to your ladiship , i began that very moment to have a strange inclination for you ; but when i was farther informed , that some two thousand acres of the best ground in england , belong'd to this noble fabrick , together with a fine park , variety of fish-ponds , and such like conveniencies ; i then fell up to the ears in love , and concluded to list my self in the number of your humble servants : thought i to my self , the owner of so many agreeable things , must needs be the most charming lady in the universe : what tho' she be old , her trees are green ? what tho' she has lost all the rofes in her cheeks , she has enough in her gardens ? what signifies it tho' she be barren , since her acres are fruitful ? with these thoughts , i lighted from my horse , and on the sudden fell so inamour'd with your ladiship , that i told my passion to every tree in your park , which , by the by , are the tallest , straitest , loveliest , finest shaped trees i ever saw ; and have since wore out above two dozen penknives , in engravening your name upon their barks . i will now appeal to your ladiship , whether any lover , ever went upon more solid motives than my self . those who are wholy influenced by beauty , will infallibly find their passion decay with that ; those who pretend to admire a woman for the qualities of her mind , ought to consider her soul abstractedly from her body ; and he that loves not a woman for her flesh , as well as her spirit , is only fit , in my opinion , to make his court to a spectre ; whereas you need not question the sincerity of my passion which is built upon the same foundation with your house , grows with your trees , and will daily increase with your estate : for all i know to the contrary , your ladiship may be the handsomest woman in the world ; but believing you are so , but whether you are or no , signifies not a farthing , while you have mony enough to set you off , tho' you were ten times uglier than the present red-nosed countess of — , and older than the famous countess of desmond . i am a soldier by my profession , and as i fought for pay , so , with heaven's blessing , i design to love for pay ; all your other suitors wou'd speak the same language to you , were they as honest as my self ; this i will tell you for your comfort , madam , that if you pitch upon me , you 'll be the first widow upon record , from the creation of the world , to this present hour , that ever chose a man for telling her the truth . an exhortatory letter , to an old lady that smoaked tobacco . madam , though the ill-natured world censures you for smoaking , yet i would all vise you , madam , not to part with so innocent a diversion ; in the first place it is healthful , and as galen in de usu partium rightly observes , is a sovereign remedy for the tooth-ach , the usual persecutor of old ladies . secondly , tobacco , though it be a heathenish weed , is a great help to christian meditations ; for which is the reason i suppose that recommends it to our parsons ; the generality of whom , can no more write a sermon without a pipe in their mouths , than a concordance in their hands : besides , every pipe you brake , may serve to put you in mind of mortality , and let you see upon what slender accidents , man's life depends . i knew a country minister , who on fast-days used to mortifie upon a rump of beef , because it put him , as he said , in mind , that all flesh was grass ; but i am sure much more may be learnt from tobacco . it may instruct you that riches , beauty , and all the glories of this world vanish like a vapor . thirdly , it is a prety play-thing : a pipe is the same to an old woman , that a gallant is to a young one , by the same token they make both water at mouth . fourthly and lastly , it is fashionable , at least 't is in a fair way of becoming so ; cold tea , you know , has been this long while in reputation at court , and the gill as naturally ushers in the pipe , as the sword-bearer walks before the lord-mayor . i am your ladiship 's humble servant . to sir w. s — . january . i have , according to your order , sent you down by the canterbury coach , the satyr against wit , and the poetae britannici , two incompar able peices in their kind , and which will certainly give you a great deal of diversion , if you are to be diverted by dullness and defamation , or what is as bad as defamation , by vile , lowsie panegyric . the former of these two poems came like melchisedeck into the world , without father or mother ; i mean the author , for several reasons best known to him self , has not thought fit to set his name before it : however , he is not so conceal'd as he fancies himself ; for if there is any certainty in physiognomy , or the child to be known by resembling the features of the father , as they say the austrian family are by the lip ; it was undoubtedly written by the city bard , the same worthy gentleman , who about three years ago lampoon'd k. william in an heroic poem , by the same token , that he was knighted for it . i have been told he has disown'd the bastard in several companies , but that won't serve his turn : the grand jury at will 's have found the bill against him ; so now he must e'en take the brat home , and bring it up its father's religion , hypocrisie and backbiting . a friend of mine t'other day , sai'd a very pleasant thing , methought upon this occasion , a satyr against wit ; that is , says he , a satyr against every individual subject king william has in his dominions , for there 's never a man between st. michael's mount , in cornwal , and barwick upon tweed , but thinks himself a wit , whatever the world may think of him ; nay , i dare engage that the author himself , for all his aversion to wit , does not believe this satyr is without it . 't is the most fantastical mixture of hypocrisie and scandal you ever saw : the writer of it , ( which he shews by his scurrility and want of good manners ) sets up for an advocate of religion , and pretends that a confederacy is carrying on in covent-garden , to banish that and learning out of the world. by the terrible description he makes of some people , one wou'd be apt to think that the goths and vandals , who have been buried under ground for so many hundred ages , were newly sprung up in russel-street , and going with fire and faggot to set all our libraries in ashes ; and when that was done , to knock all the parsons in the head , and ravish all the women between temple-bar and white-chappel . but dr. otes's forty thousand pilgrims , with their black bills , and so forth , don't smell so much of romance . all the reason i know of he has to make this hideous out-cry , is , because the dispensary has made bold to expose the rumbling fustian of his two arthurs , and some honest gentlemen , that now and then use to drink a dish of tea at will 's , have been guilty of the horrid sin of speaking the truth , and condemning his rhymes . a strange thing this ? that a man must be an atheist , only for calling dullness by its proper name , and a rake , because he has too much honesty to flatter one of the most stupid execrable poems , that has plagu'd the world since the days of quarles and ogilby . as i told you before , the author of this incomparable satyr has been pleased to disown it ; but he has acknowledged enough to do his business . he has own'd to a person of the indelible character , who complimented him upon the writing of it , and told him , that an indelible mark was stamped upon all his works , that indeed he corrected and revised it ( if another had been to correct it , he would have done it with martial's vna litura ; ) but indeed did not write it : however , this is enough in all conscience , for next to the scandal of writing such a confounded satyr , that of correcting and revising it , deserves the next place . but in satyr and murder , there 's no such thing as accessories , but every man is a principal . it wou'd look like too solemn a confutation of such ribaldry , to say that the gentlemen , whom he has abused , have improved and cultivated our tongue , have obliged the world with several works that will be read with admiration , and remembred with gratitude , when his are forgotten , that they think it no disgrace to their learning , to accompany it with good manners , that they know when to unbend themselves to pleasure , and when to apply to business , that they don't affect a gravity which after all becomes none but mysterious block-heads , nor show their morals , by censuring those of their neighbours ; i say , it would look too solemn , to say any thing like this in their justification , since not only their own works speak for them , but they are sufficiently commended , by being made the heroes of his libel . among other merry doctrines he advances , he tells the world , that 't is impossible for a man to be a wit , and not a rake ; this i suppose he calculated for the meridian of cheapside , and for the consolation of his city-friends , whom all the world will clear from the imputation of being wits ; and yet , with all due respect to my lord-mayor and aldermen be it spoken , i believe there are as many of that character within the city-walls , as there are in covent-garden , and stupid senseless coxcombs too , that discredit pleasure , and murder that which was design'd to enliven conversation . he principally levels his indignation at mr. dryden , and among other sins , taxes him with flattery . if flattery is to be pardon'd in any sort of men , it certainly ought to be in the poets ; but for my part , i don't think them more guilty of it , than the rest of mankind , who all agree to make their courtship to wealth and greatness ; and if it is a sin to flatter greatness , they do neither better nor worse than all the world , who , perhaps , have not the same excuse . if man were minded to be ill-natur'd , he might easily turn the tables upon the church , and show that the parsons have flatter'd as much as the poets . if the latter in their epistles dedicatory bestow wit and learning upon block-heads , the former have bestowed grace , and the lord knows how many christian virtues upon those that never possess'd them . what makes it look worse in the parsons than the poets ? is it , that the latter are priviledged by function , whereas the former are men of grimace , and are supposed to deal in nothing but truth : but 't is a jest , that the city bard should fall foul upon any one for flattery ; he that has been guilty of the grossest , vilest flattery imaginable , and prostituted the dignity of an epic poem , more than any one before him . an epic poem is a noble magnificent composition ; the chief end of it is to excite men to virtue , by celebrating illustrious examples , and proposing them to imitation . 't is a public sort of a building , like that of a temple , or a town-hall ; now as a man that designs to build any such structure , if he intends to adorn it with statues , ought to set up those of celebrated men , of kings , or princes , or bishops , and not his barber 's because he trims him well , or his shooe-maker's , because he has got the length of his foot : so in epic poem , an author should only introduce men of figure into his work , and not throw away his incense upon mean or obscure persons , merely because they are his friends , and now and then drink a glass a wine with him at the three tuns . yet the author of the two arthurs , has not only done this , but has ( to his immortal credit be it spoken ) introduced satyr into an epic poem , which no one did before him , and i dare swear no one will ever attempt the like after him , except such a sordid imitator , as he that has burlesqued our saviour in heroic . but to return to our satyrist : you and i , and every body has been charm'd with the honourable mr. boyl's answer to a stiff haughty grammarian that shall be nameless , but is known well enough . never did wit and learning triumph so gloriously over dullness and pedantry , as in that noble book ; and never was any argument managed with that variety of learning , and those agreeable turns of wit. accordingly it had not only a kind reception in england , but elsewhere . the forreign journals , gave it the commendation it deserves , and all the polite judges in europe were pleased to see an arrogant pedant , that had been crouding his head twenty years together with the spoils of lexicons and dictionaries , worsted and foiled by a young gentleman , upon his own dunghil , and by his own criticisms . thus one would have thought that mr. boyl's merit and quality would have secured him from any scurrilous treatment ; and that his enemies , if he could have any such , wou'd be content to envy him in private , and never have the impudence to attack him in public . and yet the noble author of the satyr against wit , has villainously insinuated , that the gentleman i have been talking of , did not write the book , to which he prefixed his own name . i will appeal to you , whether 't is possible for any suggestion to be more malicious and base than this ; and whether the publisher of it can be used too scurvily , ought to be treated with any good manners , which he has so notoriously violated . they talk of squibbing him with epigrams ; for my part , i think 't is doing him too much honour , and making him more considerable than he deserves ; however , if they go on with it , i shall not be wanting to contribute my quota to so pious a design . 't is now high time to come to the author of the poetae britannici : i do the scoundrel too much honour to name him ; but since two or three advertisements have set him out in all his trappings , for once i shall condescend to mention him : his name is cobb , the same numerical blew-coatboy , that some years ago writ a merry pindarick upon the queen's death , which was presented for blasphemy at the old-baily . i can't imagine how it cou'd come into the head of so obscure a wretch , to think he cou'd do any honour to the persons he pretends to commend , or that his censure should be taken in prejudice of the meanest scribler in town . thus i have given you a short account of these two lampoons ; i should have made a scruple to obey your commands , ( the only time i was ever like to disobey you ) in sending them down to you , but that i consider'd with my self , that your worship in all probability has been a great transgressor these christmas-holidays , and trespast most enormously with your tenants in roast-beef and march-beer ; for which reason it may not be amiss for you to do penance , as i reckon you will most plentifully , if you can have patience to read over the city bard's and the blew-coat scriber's poem . i am , with all respect , your most humble servant . to a physician in the country . sir , we are almost barren of news ; the war betwixt the northern crowns , and the poetical physicians is the only subject at present ; holstein and riga , cheapside and covent-garden the scene of all our coffee-house debates . what passes in our two first , the publick prints will inform you ; the latter i shall endeavour to give you some account of : you are not ignorant of the civil war that is broke out amongst the subjects of apollo , and the disorders in parnassus . two brawny heroes , the sons of paeon , head the opposite factions ; both have signalized themselves extraordinarily one in four poems , which he has printed , and to'ther in a poem printed four times . the city bard takes arms , to drive out wit , as an evil counsellor from all the rellins of apollo . the covent-garden heroe rises in its defence , and maintains its services . this quarrel is so far spread , that it 's not like to be decided proprio marte ; each chief has his faction , the knight of the round-table has gather'd a body of mercenaries , to whom , on the other side , are opposed a squadron of auxiliary volunteers ; and thus , as in forty one , blew-aprons , and laced-coats are drawn up against one another , and the rable and gentlemen set together by the ears ; each side confident of success , that trusting to their multitudes , this to their courage and conduct . the pestle and mortar-men are drawn up against the esculapian band ; the first , who like taylors and women measure the goodness of every thing by the length , assert the good old cause of long bills , and long poems , against the jus divinum of efficacy and sense ; and think it infinitely more meritorious to write three or four folio's without wit , than to fill a small octavo with it , and prefer the art of swelling a bill , before the skill to cure a disease . the cheapside heroe , they say , devotes himself wholly to their service , and rhimes as well as prescribes to the use of their shops : however , this doubty chief , in the midst of his cheapside triumphs , has been brought under martial discipline , and forc'd to run the gantlet in covent-garden , and switch'd through the whole posse of parnassus , for fighting against the law of arms with false colours . those that favour his cause complain of the injustice and indignity of his punishment , alledging , he suffers for what he never did . they on the other hand defend their proceedings , and affirm they know him through his disguise , and that coming upon 'em in masquerade , he ought to suffer as a spy , or an assassin , and deserves no more quarter , than he gives to his patients . notwithstanding this , his party have rallied once more , and the mercenaries are brought to the attack , who hope to affect that by stratagem , that they despair of by plain force ; and , like the scots at the bass , since they can't reduce 'em by arms , attempt to poison them with stink-pots . at the head of those , is a mendicant rhymer , one that begs with a poem , like a pass in his hand , and with a sham brief , as a sufferer by poetick fire ; has collected the charity of well-disposed persons through all parnassus for above twice twelve months ; and like a true beggar , when he has tired 'em out , falls a railing : for a bribe from his balad-printer's not large enough to rob him of the benefit of the act of parliament , for the relief of poor prisoners ; and the promise of a dinner now and then from sir arthur , he has consented to libel his benefactors , and return to his old quarters , and subsist for the remainder of his life upon the basket. thus countenanced and encouraged , he lays about him most desperately , and like one not much concern'd for the success , draws his incense , and his ammunition from the same house of office. friends and foes are treated alike in compliment , he paints one with the same sir-reverence , that he aims to bedaub the other ; and when his hand is in , like the conqueror in hudibrass's ovation , bestows his ordure very liberally amongst the spectators . thus , sir , i have given you a true account of the state of the poetical war , headed on both sides by gentlemen of your faculty ; among whom , though here has been no bloodshed , there has been as much noise of slaughter and execution , as in holstein , or livonia . you may expect more on the same subject , for the quarrel is not like to drop , while h — ns can tell his fingers , or p — subsist on mumping in metre . i am , &c. love-letters , written by mr. — to madam — i had a mind to know , madam , whether you had quarrel'd with me t'other night , at the — or not ; and therefore , writing to you yesterday , i find now that you are angry at something ; but may i be discarded , if i know the reason : if you have made a quarrel on my approving — , i beg your pardon , and shall henceforth do violence to my own reason , and contradict mankind to agree with you : 't is hard to find any simpathy in hearts , where there 's such contrariety in opinions . i shall therefore , madam , henceforth square my sentiments to yours in every thing ; and if you will quarrel without a cause , i will oblige you , and do so too . your uneasiness , madam , wrongs either your own charms or my sincerity ; either of which is a sensible abuse to me . 't is a hard fate , that you can't love and be easie , and i can't desist and live : but i can die to make you happy ; an ill-natur'd line or two does the business ; for i cannot bear the spleen , the rheumatism , and your displeasure at once . so , madam , strike now , and for ever quit your self of an unfortunate man , who has but one hand , which he thinks sufficient , since he can thereby ever own himself yours . to the same . madam , sunday-morning , next to my prayers , i must address my devotions to you ; to you whom i have offended , and to whom i must offer a penitential sacrifice , if an oblation of a bleeding heart can make any attonement for my sin , i offer it freely . heaven is merciful , and so shou'd you be ; i dare not approach , without your permission : if you will sign my pardon in a line from your dear hand , expect me with all the joy of a repriev'd malefactor . i am , madam , happy or miserable , as you please to make me . to the same . what shall i say to the dearest woman upon earth ! were my thoughts common , how easily might they be express'd ! but the expression , like the enjoyment in love , is lost by a too ardent desire ; my soul plumes it self in the secret pride of being belov'd by you ; and upon so just a foundation of valuing my self , who can accuse me of vanity ? i can no more compliment what i love , than i can flatter what i hate ; and therefore when i tell you , that your charmes are more and more engaging , and my love improving , believe it for a truth ; hear my wish , and then conclude me happy : oh! cou'd i find ( grant heaven that once i may ) a nimph fair , kind , poetical and gay ; whose love shou'd blaze unsullied and divine , lighted at first by the bright lamp of mine : free from all sordid ends , from interest free , for my own sake affecting only me . what a blest vnion shou'd our souls combine ! i her 's alone , as she was only mine ; blest in her arms , i should immortal grow , whilst in return , i made my celia so . sweet generous favours shou'd our loves express , i 'd write for love , and she shou'd love for verse : not sacharissa's self , great waller's fair , shou'd for an endless name with mine compare . she shou'd transcend all that e're went before , her praises , like her beauty shou'd be more : my verse shou'd run so high , the world shou'd see , i sung of her , and she inspired me : the world shou'd see that from my love i drew , at once my theam , and inspiration too : blest in my wish , my fair , i 'm blest with you . i went abroad yesterday morning about seven , and return'd about one this morning , slept till past eight , then arose to tell you , that i dreamt of you all the time , and that i am your own . to the same . by heavens and earth ( my dearest ) i am ty'd neck and heels with wine , and company ! all the spells of love can't undo the charm ; besides , my dear , i am almost fudled ; i shall stay here at the rose till towards eleven ; it will be a tedious walk to go home to night , considering that you lie upon the same floor with the door : it is not impossible , methinks , for a man of so much love to slip in incognito . your — is with me , there will be a double pleasure in deceiving him , and being happy in my dear one's arms ; i shall call at the door , and see whether the coast be clear : however , this , if it succeeds , will make me the happiest upon earth — ; however , my dear , run no hazard that may expose you ; but consider , my dear , the eager wishes of the faithfullest , and most loving of mankind . to the same . if i did not love , i wou'd not beg , and if ever you loved , you 'll grant my pardon ; your letter , madam , has tormented me more than all the favors of your whole sex besides can please me ; if i have lost you , i have lost my self , and shall be lost to all womankind : my letter last night was written in heat of wine ; so men guilty of murder in their drink , repent it all their lives ; mine is a greater crime , for i have stab'd my self , pierc'd my own heart , and now it bleeds with anguish and despair . stab'd my own heart , and pierc'd your image , there the remembrance of the happiness i have enjoy'd , will now prove the greatest curse ; the melting sighs , the moving tears , the joys , the raptures that mounted me to heaven , now cast me down to hell : i shall now turn poet in good earnest ; and like poor ovid , banish'd from his rome , curse that destructive art , that caus'd his doom . in short , madam , i am mad , and if i think farther , i shall let the world see it . revoke that word , eternal silence , or you make me eternally miserable , for i am now the most disconsolate of mankind . to a young lady . by another hand . my dearest madam , for so i must ever think you , i hope you got safe to london , and that your indisposition is abated , which will be the means to make mine the more tolerable , since i can more easily bear mine own than yours ; you expect i should tell you , how i am ; and excepting a little melancholy , the reason of which you know , i find my self tolerable , my feavour , i think , did not think fit to visit me last night ; i ramble out of one room into another , now and then i let fall a tear. i design to come to london , on sunday next , that my heart and i , may be in the same place ; till then , believe me most entirely yours . to the same . i cannot help telling my dearest , how much i am hers , what pleasure i have in her company , what pain in her absence ; to love her , is but to see her ; and to value her , is only to know her : but pray , my dear mrs. — , forget not to drink some chocolate with me to morrow , that i may once say , i spent a sunday well ; i am sure i shall have some good thoughts in the morning , because i shall think of you ; and when i do so , i shall think of one that i passionately love , and that i hope is not unmindful of hers. to the same . to convince you , i am not given to change , regard but this piece of paper , 't is torn like my heart at taking leave , and is such a scribble as i usually write ; i am harsh in my stile , negligent of my ink , and not too exact in fashioning up my letter ; and cannot have the least esteem for my self , but when i reflect that i have the honour to be lokt upon as , madam , your most humble . to the same . dear madam , t is to you , i must always address to tell me how i do ; 't is no matter , tho' i shou'd find my self in health , if your frowns shou'd tell me otherwise ; know then , madam , i languish , or revive , as you smile or look out of humour ; and though , at present , one wou'd guess by my hand-writing , that i am just at the point of death ; yet , i doubt not , but i shall live tell to morrow evening , if you wou'd but promise , at that time , to come to yours . a letter from a lady to her lover , in the french army ; with a tuft of hair inclosed in it . out of the french. sir , i have sent you a pattern of what you formerly us'd to like so much , and cou'd wish the whole piece with you : i long to see you , and am sorry , that your honour is dearer to you , than your mistress , and that you prefer a lodging in a trench to her arms. i begin to complain of the length of the campagne ; but if it be true , that one of these inclosed in this letter , can draw more than six horses , i may have some hopes they 'll pull you hither to me ; at least all that 's left of you , for i suppose you are too much a heroe , to bring back all your limbs with you , or to have any thing entire , but your heart , at your return to yours . to madam c — ll . madam , it is not without some pains , madam , that i have gathered the following account , which if it proves not advantagious to me ; it is at least very satisfactory , to know why i am refus'd : because you don 't like me . a very substantial reason , i must confess ; and the only one i believe , on which the vertue of your sex is grounded : for , madam , i am satisfied , your fortress is not impregnable , and though you won't capitulate with me , though i offer your own terms , i know the man , to whom you would gladly surrender upon his . a song , or an amorous copy of love-verses , wou'd gain the point : 't is strange , madam , that you should be in love with the sons of the muses ; those poor rogues , that can only pay with empty breath , what i , with substantial gold , wou'd purchase ; and that used to be the most prevailing argument with your sex. adsheart , madam , half a crown damns a poet at any time , and for a shilling , you may buy what he has puzl'd his brains about half a year to collect ; then , pray where lies the curiosity ? now , i should think , a little money , or a little wit , clean linnen , and a sweet breath , might be every jot as acceptable . i may reasonably suppose , your husband , a very husband ; for women are generally in extreams , and your sickness of the fool is encreas'd to a madness for a wit. now , madam , i would advise you , to apply a medium for your cure , which you may find in your humble servant : i am neither ideot enough , to be call'd a driveller ; nor wit enough , to set up for a poet : yet , i 'll venture a wager , if you 'll try , i can leave you as substantial as either . consider , madam , on this advice , and heaven give you grace to put it in practice : i shall expect your answer , or you may expect the second part of the same tune . for in short , madam , i love you , and must , and will possess : i am resolv'd not to be uneasie thus , when 't is in your power to give me ease . i am , madam , or will be wholly yours , and i hope to find one day the same conclusion , in a letter from your dear self . madam c — ll's answer to — cou'd i value a man upon his fortune , i shou'd condescend to converse with a fool , though by your assurance and vanity , one wou'd take you for a wit : my conversation with the sons of the muses , is purely for my diversion ; if i thought you had sence enough to make me sport , i wou'd list you in the number . i 'm afraid the product of your whole life , wont amount to the value of what you reckon a poet 's half year's pains , unless it were to expose your self , which they can do better for you : you tell me , you have a sweet breath , but how can that be a sweet breath , which stinks so rankly of nonsence ? you propose a little mony , and a little wit ; but i scorn to be beholding to any man for the former , and the latter i have it already , without the arrogance of riches , and the ill manners of vanity . my husband knows me so well by my company , and you so well by your letter , that he has given me leave to answer it ; nay , commanded me , else i had left you a prey to your conceit and vanity ; which in a little time , will make you fit for the stage , and so make you good company for women of sence . sir , i advise you to make your valet transcribe your letters for you , for your own hand spells worse than a whore. his answer to mrs. c — ll . an answer , and by the husband's command too ; better still , i hope you have wit enough to make advantage of the liberty he gives you : your letter , madam , shews you a woman of sence ; and the scarceness of that commodity in your sex , renders you the more agreeable : and it ought to be taken into consideration by the parliament , to prevent the increase of fools , that no one man shou'd engross a person of wit to himself : you are very severe , madam ; but no matter , i had rather be the subject of your thought this way , than not at all ; for i may hope at last to convince you of the sincerity of my passion , and pity is essential to your sex. but , what am i doing ! this is labouring to be a fool indeed , and losing your opinion of my vanity ; if you 'll let me enter your list , madam , under what colours you please , i don't question coming off with credit . and if you don't confess i have made you as good sport as any of the parnassian family , i 'll give you leave to cashire me the next moment . i 'm glad to find such a reformation in your sex ; but , i doubt , madam , you 'll hardly perswade many of 'em to be of your mind . for i tell you , madam , gold is the womens god ; and there 's scarce a dutchess in this kingdom , that can't find an use for a superfluous sum. i deny your having wit without vanity ; if you mean in your self , good manners obliges me not to contradict you , tho' i have much ado to help reminding you of the following line , in the letter , 't is out , faith , before i was aware , your pardon for that : if you mean the lover , i must tell you , madam , that no poet is without the vanity of ten thousand a year , and i 'll warrant , to assert his own wit , wou'd venture to libel a parliament-man , for hissing his damn'd dull plays , though he had pick'd his pocket of half a crown . look ye , madam , i have no occasion to expose the product of my brain ; the product of my estate is sufficient to afford me necessaries ; and that 's more than your poetical friends can warrant from their spare diet and hard study . and to answer the postscript , good spelling is beneath a gentleman ; so much by way of answer . now , madam , i wish i knew of what metal , this good man of yours is made ; for i would fain be acquainted with him , 't is the best way of intriguing in the world : if he is a courtier , flattery makes him my friend ; if he 's a citizen , custom in his way of trade ; if he serves the king , a bribe may do the business ; if a man below these , a hard word , and a big look makes you mine ; and if i once had possession , you shou'd find i had courage enough to defend my own , though with all the submission to you imaginable . for believe me , madam , to be the sincerest of all your humble servants . an answer . i 'm very glad to hear , sir , that you are a member of parliament , for by that means you may prefer a bill in favour of my sex , that may provide against the troublesome suit of those we don't care for . pray sir , be kind to the d — of n — ; i don't think but an act of resumption , in ease of a wife may pass . if an act of parliament make a cuckold , it may be of dangerous consequence to all the husbands in the nation ; for the subjects will be for following the example of the higher powers . i imagine you to be of the court party , you understand a bribe so well ; but i can assure you my husband falls not in your road ; he 's no courtier , consequently no knave ; no soldier ; so not in your power to use ill ; no trusting cit to oblige your squireship's acquaintance ; nor fool enough to be frighted with the bray of an ass : thus much by way of answer to your wish . and now , sir , i tell you , i want much of your vanity to relish your flattery ; i have wit enough to distinguish the arrogance of a coach and six from the complaisance of a man of sence ; i despise your price , and nauseate your person ; and if you don't desist , i shall expose your name in print ; and your years will shew you bankrupt in love , as your letters does of sence and good manners ; and that you are deficient in 'em all , i believe the world will agree with , sir , your humble servant . to mrs. — by another hand . madam , i must acquaint you in short , that you must either pull out your eyes , or i must pull out mine ; either you must not be handsome , or i must be blind . yet though my passion is as violent perhaps as any man's , you must not expect i shou'd either hang or drown . i shou'd betray great want of sense , and little knowledge of your merit , to be willing to leave the world while you are in it . to deal sincerely with you , madam , i choose infinitely the happiness of living with you , before the glory of dying for you . besides , i have that good opinion of your sense , to believe you prefer the living lover to the dead ; the lips that are warm , to those that are cold ; the limbs which have motion , to those which have none . if i must die , madam , kill me with your kindness , but not with your cruelty : let me expire rather upon your bosom , than at your feet . if you shall be tenderly inclined to give me a death of this kind , i am prepared to receive it on any ground in the three kingdoms : appoint but your place , and i shall not fail to meet my fair murderer . to my lady — . madam , i am now at my lady — , where we have had a very warm debate : among many general things we happen'd to fall into a discourse of queen elizabeth , and a question arising what complexion she was of ; one lady said , she was fair , another maintain'd she was black , a third contended she was brown. the dispute was managed with very great heat , and little certainty on all sides . speed , baker , camden , were consulted ; but we found the historians either silent , or as much divided as the company ; at last , after a long debate , it was the unanimous resolution of both ladies and gentlemen , to refer it to your ladiship 's determination , as a person of greater antiquity , and consequently of better authority than our chronicles . if you shall do us the favour to give us some satisfaction in this matter , 't will be a general obligation to the whole company , and a particular honour done to , madam , your ladiship 's obedient servant . to the same . a love-letter to an old lady . madam , paying a visit yesterday to mrs. — , i was informed of your ladiship 's displeasure : what shou'd occasion your indignation , i cannot well apprehend : i do assure you , no man living has a greater veneration for your ladiship , or has been readier upon all occasions to testifie it to the world. to convince you of the truth of what i say , i will relate to you what happened last saturday ; by which it will appear , that i have been so far from ridiculing your ladiship , which is the accusation you fasten upon me , that no one could have given greater demonstration of his respect : for being in company , where mention was made of your ladiship , not so honourable indeed as i could have wished , or your quality and character might have required ; i took occasion to do justice to your merit : gentlemen , said i , you do my lady wrong ; for my own part i must profess , i think her a very agreeable woman . you cannot be serious sure , replies a certain gentleman , who had more malice than wit ; in my whole life , i never saw so hideous a complexion . sir , said i , 't is unjustly done , to find fault with a complexion , which is none of her own ; if her face displeases you , blame her woman who made it . but i hope , returned he , you will not deny , but that she is red-hair'd : with submission , sir , i do , to my certain knowledge she has not one hair on her head. but then her teeth , all the world must allow are execrable . i deny it , sir , for she has but one that is bad . but you must grant me her chin is too long by three inches . but do you apprehend the reason ? 't is because her neck is too short by two . i see , sir , said he , with some little heat , you are obstinately bent to oppose the power of truth ; but i hope you are not so far prejudiced , as to maintain her breath to be sweet ? that infirmity , sir , replied i , is the effect of the foulness of her lungs , and not of her mouth ; and , if her lungs are rotten , is it her ladiship 's fault , or nature's . and then her ga●e , says he , is the most disagreeble in the world. you have betrayed at once , sir , said i , both your malice , and your ignorance ; if you had the least acquaintance with her ladiship , you must have known better ; alas ! poor lady ! she has not walkt without crutches these ten years . but then her conduct , i hope you will not undertake to justifie that ; how does it become old eve , think you , to patch , and paint , intrigue , read romances , and love-verses , talk smuttily , look amorously , dress youthfully ; insomuch , that if it were not for her looks , you could not distinguish her from her daughter . under favour , sir , you mistake , 't is her grand-daughter you mean. and then to keep a young fellow of five and twenty to satisfie her brutal lust. 't is false , i have heard mr. — affirm a thousand times she was insatiable . he would have proceeded in his defamations , but i desired him to omit all farther discourse on that subject , for that i could not , with patience , support , that a woman of your ladiship 's merit , and virtue , and a woman for whom i had so particular an honour , should be so impudently vilified and blasphemed to my face . i hope by this time you are made sensible , madam , that i am quite another per-son , than you apprehended me to be , and that i am so far from having any disrespectful thoughts of your ladiship , that no one of your grand-children , the nearest relation you have remaining , could have gone farther in your vindication . but i would not have you attribute my defence of your ladiship , altogether to respect ; give it a tenderer , and truer name , and call it love. i say love ; for let me die , madam , if i have not a violent passion for your ladiship . i know you may very well suspect the truth of what i say ; for love in me , you will tell me , ought to imply beauty in you . but love , you know very well , creates beauty no less frequently , than beauty does love. and if by the help of imagination , i can find out charms in you , which no body else can discover ; i think i have reasonable foundation enough for my passion : there is something , i know not where to fix it , 't is not in your face or shape , or mien , or air , or any part of your body ; much less in your mind : but something there is so very agreeable , something i know not what , nor where , so bewitching that 't is not in my power to defend my heart against you . perhaps the malicious world will say you are old ; but we know old wine intoxicates more than new ; and an aged oak , is stronger than a young one . 't is with your ladiship 's beauty , as with old buildings when they fall , it destroys with its ruins . as i profess my self an admirer of antiquity , by consequence i should have no small passion for your ladiship : for i must tell you , madam , there are finer fragments of antiquity in your face , than any greece or italy can boast of ; and more beauty lies buried in one wrinkle of yours , than in the ruins of the most stately arches , or most magnificent temples . you cannot therefore question the sincerity of my profession , when i tell you i am , madam , with all reality , your ladiship 's most passionate adorer , and most obedient , humble servant . to a lady that had got an inflamation in her eyes . madam , you will hardly believe , perhaps , how much people talk of your indisposition . the late eclipse , when the sun it self was in labour , occasion'd not half the discourse , as the present distress your eyes are in , throughout the whole empire of your beauty , that is throughout the whole kingdom . nothing is more generally talk'd of , or more universally lamented . those beautiful eyes , which were wont to spread joy in all hearts , now diffuse sorrow in every breast : at the same time they raise different passions ; the women pity what they envy , and the men lament what they adore . 't is true , there are some discontented persons , that perhaps have formerly felt your rigour , who let drop bold expressions ; they say , your eyes are deservedly punish'd , for the many violences and barbarities they have committed ; that 't is but just they should be afflicted , who have made so many poor men suffer ; and that it seems a manifest judgment of heaven , that the distemper shou'd attacque you in the very place where you assault mankind . these are the murmurs of some few men , madam , whom we except from the multitudes who bewail the calamities of your eyes . sir thomas — , who you know speaks fine things , did me the honour of a visit yesterday , and commands me to tell you , that had he as many eyes as argus , to give yours one moment's ease , he wou'd pluck them all out , and throw them , as he wou'd himself , and his fetters , at your feet . for my own part , madam , who have but two eyes , one of 'em is at your ladiship 's service , the other i am unwilling to lose , because i am unwilling to lose the sight of you . your grave vnkle likewise gives his service to you ; 't was my fortune to meet him at my lady — 's lodgings , where your ladiship , and your present indisposition , being the subject of our discourse , the old gentleman , who moralises on every thing under the sun , lifting up his eyes to heaven , and laying his hand upon his sage breast , alas ! says he , see the vanity of all things here below ! see , ladies , see gentlemen , see how frail is beauty ! how uncertain its possession ! the finest eyes in the universe are in danger of losing their beautiful lustre ! how imperfect are the most perfect things ! alas , alas , vanity of vanity , all is vanity , says the preacher . when the oracle had ceased , sir , said i , ( with an affected grave look ) i remember well , you were wont frequently to tax your niece with pride ; don't you think providence design'd this present affliction as a lesson of humility to her ? does it not seem the very intention of heaven , by this indisposition , that those very eyes which may justly make her proud , shou'd teach her to be humble : that where she is strongest , she shou'd find her self weak : that where she is most divine , she shou'd confess her self mortal . very religiously and solidly reflected , says old solomon ; i profess i am surprized to find so much maturity in so much youth : go on in the ways of wisdom and prosper . thus , madam , like a faithful historian , as i am , i have related to you , what is the discourse of the world upon this infirmity ; but i am sensible , i have made your ladiship 's patience suffer , by the unfashionable length of my letter , which i fear will give your eyes , in the weakness they are in at present , too much pain in the reading . i shall conclude , with my advice and my wish : my advice , that you wou'd take care of the finest eyes in the world. my wish , that the flame were remov'd from your eyes to your heart . i am , madam , your ladiship 's most obedient servant . to mr. b — in covent-garden . an account of a journey to exon , &c. apr. . . as we have one good quality in our sex beyond what yours can boast of , that is , seldom to make a promise but with a design to keep it ; i have therefore been careful to let you see i cannot easily forget any thing which so great an obligation as my word hath engag'd me to remember : and as there was nothing needful but a bare remembrance of my promise to induce me to preserve it , so i hope , on your part , there will be nothing more requir'd to render what i have sent you acceptable than a willingness to receive it : i confess i have given you but a rude account of my journey , every part just scribled o'er with as much freedom as 't was acted , wanting leisure to put it in any other than a loose morning-dress , not questioning but it may please you as well without the formalities of stile as a pretty woman without stays may some of your acquaintance . in the first place i shall give you a rough draught of those discording mortals our company was compos'd of in the stage-coach , ( viz. ) a barrister at law , an attorny's clark , a cornish justice , a tailor , and a valet to a parliament-man that would be , but some dispute arising in the election prevents me fixing his title , that had i been travelling in a dutch scout or a gravesend tilt-boat , i could not have been treated with less manners , or teas'd with more im-pertinence the justice , notwithstanding the government 's care for the reformation of vice , was as drunk as a dutch captain before he engages , and , for the first day , talk'd of nothing but fox-hounds , march-beer , warrants , whipping-posts and vagabonds , hallowing as laudably in every interval of his nonsence , as if he had been riding threequarter-speed at the very heels of his beagles , larding his other qualifications now and then with a scrap of an old hunting song , with a hey down , ho down , &c. which gave me good reason to suspect he had been much more conversant with robin hood's balads than with keeble's statutes , understanding the latter i believe as much as a german jugler does necromancy , or a lord-mayor state-policy . the limbs of the law were much disturb'd at his bawling , for i conceive they love no bodies noise but their own . they desir'd him to sleep ; but he cry'd , zounds , sir , i win 't sleep ; i din't care a f — t for your anger , i 'm a justice of peace , and worth thirty thousand pound , and am the head man where i live ; and by g — d , if you come to lancton , i 'll give you a glass of the best march-beer you ever drank in your life : but i will make a noise if i please . i was in hopes of seeing law and justice fall together by the ears , but at last justice slept and the law got the better by surviving it . the tailor , had you seen him , you wou'd have sworn he had been broke by the jubilee beaus , for he had lines of faith in his face , and his clothes bore the marks of poverty ; he complain'd very much of trusting : i find 't is a common calamity , and ruins more families than the royal oak-lottery . the valet personated his master to a tittle , and was as arrogant and noisie as e'er a country ' squire in england . now , if i were to be hang'd , i can't tell who had most manners of all these : the lawyer slept dogs-sleep most part of the way , i suppose the better to ruminate on the causes he had in hand . the clark was as impertinent as a midwife at a gossipping , and i as dull as an old woman at a funeral . they fail'd not to eat and drink heartily upon the road , nor to make me club to the reckoning ; justice and law were both of a side in that particular ; and , the court of equity being very chargeable , i chose to submit upon any terms , rather than seek for remedy . after the fatigue of four days , which might serve for a reasonable penance for all the sins i ever committed in my life , i arriv'd at exon , where we met the judges entering the town in as much triumph as ever caesar did rome after a victory ; the high-sheriff rode in as much state as a colonel of the city train-bands , and much in the same order , only the sheriff march'd in the rear of his army , and the other in the front. the next day being sunday , call'd by the natives of this country maze-sunday , ( and indeed not without some reason , for the people look'd as if they were gallied ) i was wak'd by the tremendous sound of a horse-trumpet , i imagin'd some monster was to be seen , and , looking out of my window , i saw several sorts , the first were mrs. sheriff and her husband , ( for women rule in this climate , and therefore i give her the preheminence ) in a triumphant chariot ( erected on purpose for that occasion ) with dick and doll crouding to see their worships , as if it had been his czarish majesty ; the custom it seems is to conduct them in this manner to the most magnificent church of the place , where we will leave them to their several ejaculations . i am your oblig'd servant , you know who . the answer . madam , apr. . . i received your letter , and am glad to find by it , that you have got that by making a small journey to exeter , for which other people are forced to cross the alps , and beat the hoof to rome , i mean the remission of your sins , which you think you have made a reasonable attonement for , by suffering so much from the impertinence of the cornish justice and the two limbs of the law. but , madam , don't flatter your self , or think that your chalk will be so easily wiped out . you have been a great sinner in your time , and four days penance in a stage-coach will hardly attone for the sins you have committed : and , because we are too apt to be over-favourable to our selves , give me leave , madam , to awaken your conscience out of this dangerous state of security , by laying before you some of the many sins you are accountable for : imprimis , here are people in town that charge you with murders numberless ; and , unless you heartily repent of them , and promise to commit no more , i find but little hopes of you . yes , madam , you are charged with murder , with this horrid aggravation too on your side , that whereas other assassines only murder their enemies , or such as they suspect to be so , you make no scruple to kill your lovers that throw themselves at your feet , and wou'd purchase a single smile from you at a seven years service . in the next place , you are accused of theft . set your hand to your heart , madam , and do but consider how many of those valuable commodities you have stolen in your time , yet never had the conscience to restore them to the right owners . what makes the crime worse in you , you have added sacrilege to theft , and stole away peoples hearts at church , in the time of divine service , and in the sight of moses and aaron . you 'll tell me , perhaps , that this is no theft , and that if men will put their hearts upon you , how can you help it . but madam , some people gave them you , who had no right to dispose of them , as i cou'd instance in a thousand married men that sighed for you , and , according to the ancient proverb , the receiver is as bad as the thief , for they stole 'em from their wives to bestow 'em upon you . thirdly and lastly , madam , you have not only your own sins but those of other people to answer for . how many women have you made guilty of the horrid sin of detraction , and tell a thousand malicious stories of you , only because you were handsomer than they , and consulted with that wicked privy-counsellor , your looking-glass , to appear so ? how many men have you made guilty of perjury , and made them forsake their former vows , to sacrifice 'em to you ? thus , madam , i have made bold to lay some of your sins before you . should i undertake to send you a full catalogue of them , i should have as fine time on 't , as the commissioners , that are to inspect publick accounts . therefore never think that your exeter journy has compounded for them . i wou'd advise you this holy year of jubilee , to turn your face towards rome ; but , alas , you 'd spoil the devotion of all the pilgrims there , that according to our last advices , are above a hundred thousand strong . in short , madam , i don't know what course to advise to ; only don't stay long in the country , for that wou'd be to trespass against a positive text , and to put your candle under a bushel . come to town as soon as you can , and begin to make restitution in the place where you have done the most mischief . you desire , in my answer , i shou'd transmit you some news : i assure you , madam , there is not enough stirring about town to make an alderman's jaws wag , that the city news-hounds sit as hush over their coffee , as so many english-men in a tavern when the drawer has brought the reckoning : but however , for once , i will strain a point to oblige you . notwithstanding the late war in flanders , and the present year of jubilee , have rid the nation of abundance of fools , yet knaves are every term as thick in westminster-hall , and cuckolds every day as numerous upon change , as if they had still , without loss , preserv'd their ancient number . marriages this easter , by the computation of the clarks of maribone , pancras , minories , dukes-place , and knights-bridge , are decreas'd from the last year's account by several hundreds , to the great disap̄pointment of the clergy ; yet the number of maids , 't is generally believ'd , are as few as ever , to the discredit of the protestant religion , the dishonour of the nation , and the great scandal of the reforming-society . poetasters are grown as numerous in this town as quack-doctors at london , and every one so applies himself to the stage , that the white-fryars printers are quite beggar'd for want of balads : yet wit , i observe , is as scarce as 't was in the time of jeffry chaucer , when a distich of verses were worth a page of prose , and a song , with a fa-la-la chorus , was much more listen'd to than a sermon . discretion in married women , is here grown as scarce as modesty in maids ; they so forward their daughters , by their own foolish talk and example , that the pretty miss at seven , instead of a rattle , talks of nothing but a husband , and the young lady at eleven is as ripe in her thoughts and as pert in her behaviour as if her education had been in a brothel instead of a dancing-school . i know , madam , some of this news must seem strange to a woman of your vertues , but the more surprising generally the more acceptable , especially if it be true ; for which reason i sent it you to supply the scarcity of such as might have been more welcome , and therefore beg your acceptance of it in room of better , from , madam , your humble servant to dr. garth . whether your letter or your prescription has made me well , i protest i cannot tell ; but thus much i can say , that as the one was the most nauseous thing i ever knew , so the other was the most entertaining . i would gladly ascribe my cure to the last ; and , if so , your practice will become so universal you must keep a secretary as well as an apothecary . the observations i have made are these , that your prescription staid not long with me , but your letter has , especially that part of it where you told me i was not altogether out of your memory : you 'll find me much alter'd in every thing when you see me , but in my esteem for your self : i , that was as lank as a crane , when i left you at london , am now as plump as an ortolan . i have left off my false calves , and had yesterday a great belly laid to me . a facetious widow , who is my confident in this affair , says you ought to father the child ; for he that lends a man a sword is in some part accessary to the mischief is done with it ; however , i 'll forgive you the inconvenience you 've put me to . i believe you were not aware you were giving life to two people . pray let me have a consolatory letter from you upon this new calamity ; for nothing can be so welcome , excepting rain in this sandy country where we live . the widow saith , she resolves to be sick , on purpose to be acquainted with you : but i tell her she 'll relish your prescriptions better in full health : and if at this distance you can do her no service , pray prescribe her your humble servant , t. m. to his poetical friend , advising him to study the mathematicks . out of quevedo . at length , my friend , i begin to awake out of those dreams and visions , which the reading of verses and poems has so long plung'd me in . my middle years put all those delusions to a stand ; i have now some moderate esteem for other thoughts besides images and descriptions . i am not in my former extasies at every metaphor , and can almost bear the rapture of a fine turn . poetry , believe me , leads the reader , as well as the knight , into an enchanted world : the objects are all there drest in false colours , and nothing appears in its due proportion . but if it deceives us in all things abroad , what disorders and confusion does it raise at home ? by feeding the mind with delicacies , it makes it mad after pleasure , and lets all the passions loose upon us . our joys it blows up too high , and makes our griefs sit heavier ; and , what is yet worse , it kindles in us that foolish passion love , the ruine of our ease and dotage even in youth . whereas mathematics improves all our faculties , makes the judgment stronger and the memory take in more . the dull it teaches to perceive , and the giddy to attend . it distinguishes between true and false , and enures us to difficulties : besides , it gives us a thousand advantages in life . by this the miser counts his bags , and the country-man knows his times and seasons . this gives our cannon aim in war , and in peace furnishes every workman with his tools . how many noble engines has it invented ? in one the wind labours for us , and another turns bogs and pools into firm land. this builds us houses , defends our towns and makes the sea useful . nor are its effects less wonderful than advantagious . the mathematician can do more things than any poet e'er yet conceiv'd . he in a map can contract asia to a span , and in a glass shew a city from a single house , and an army from a man. he can set the heavens a thousand years forward , and call all the stars by their names . there is scarce any thing without his reach ; he can gauge the channel of the sea , and weigh saturn . he sees farthest into the art and skill of the creator , and can write the best comment on the six days work. be advis'd therefore to employ your self rather in the improving of your understanding , than debauching of your passions , and to prefer realities before appearances . in my mind , to make a dial is harder than to find a motto to it , and a prospect drawn in lines pleasanter than one in words . instead of descriptions of cool groves and flowry gardens , you may inform your self of the situation and extent of empires , and while others are wandring in elysian-fields and fancy'd shades below , you may raise your thoughts to the infinity of space above , and visit all those worlds that shine upon us here : think most of mercury when he is farthest off the sun , and mind little in venus but her periodic motion . to let you see i have got the start of you , i now follow the old rule of , nulla dies sine lineâ , and am so far advanc'd in geometry that i defie any man to make a rounder circle , or cut a line in two more nicely than my self . i am well vers'd in squares , am no stranger to the doctrine of proportion , and have transpos'd a , b , c , d , in all the mathematical anagrams they are capable of . my chamber i have survey'd five times over , and have at length found out a convenient place for a south-dial . i am at present about a bargain of pins , which you shall soon see dispos'd into bastions and counterscarps . i felt at first , i must confess a great confusion in my head between rhimes and angles , fiction and demonstration . but at length virgil has resign'd to euclid , and poetical feet and numbers to their namesakes in geometry and arithmetic . in short , i write altogether upon slate , where i make paralels instead of couplets and describe nothing but a circle . let me for the future therefore catch no poet in your hands , unless it be aratus or dyonisius , and follow my council , unless you can make one of these studies subservient to the other , your poetry wise and learn'd , and your mathematics pleasant and ingenious . i am , sir , yours , &c. to william joy , the strong kentishman , from the lady c — . dropt out of her foot-man's pocket , and taken up by a chair-man in the pall-mall . sir , i saw you yesterday , with satisfaction , exerting your parts in dorset-garden ; on that very theatre where i have frequently beheld the alexanders , the caesars , the hercules , the almanzors , the greatest heroes of greece or italy , of ancient or modern times , taking towns , sacking cities , overturning empires , singly routing whole armies , but yet performing less wonders than you. yet , i must tell you , it grieves me to see so noble a talent mis-employed , and that strength thrown away upon undeserving horses , that cannot reward your labour , which might much better divert the requiting woman . meet me therefore , thou puissant man , in another garden , on a better theatre , where you may employ your abilities with more profit to yourself and satisfaction to the expecting melesinda . the end of the first part. letters of friendship , and several other occasions : the second part. written by mr. dryden , mr. wycherly , mr. — mr. congreve , and mr. dennis . with letters written between mr. dennis and mr. congreve , concerning humour in ancient and modern comedy . london : printed for sam. briscoe , in russel-street in covent-garden , mdcc . to the right honourable charles montague , esq. one of the lords of the treasury , chancellor of the exchequer ; and one of his majesty's most honourable privy-council . sir , as soon as i had resolv'd to make this address to you , that the present might not be altogether unworthy of you , i took care to obtain the consent of my friends to publish some letters , which they had writ as answers to mine . when i look upon my self , i find i have reason to beg pardon for my presumption : but when i consider those gentlemen , i am encourag'd to hope that you will not be offended to find your self at the head of no vulgar company ; a company , whose names and desert are universally known , a company rais'd far above the level of mankind by their own extraordinary merit , and yet proud to do homage to yours . they are gentlemen , 't is true , who are divided in their interests , and who differ in their politick principles , but they agree in their judgments of things , which all the world admires , and they always consent when they speak of you . in presenting this little book to you , i only design'd to shew my zeal and my gratitude ; but they assure me unanimously , that i have likewise shewn my judgment . tho' indeed , sir , the number of the great , who cast a favourable eye upon human learning , is not so considerable , but that a man who would address any thing of this nature to one of them , may soon determine his choice . proficients in other arts are encouraged by profit , which is their main design , but he who bestows all his time upon human studies is incited by glory alone , and the world takes care that he should have no more than he seeks for . the enthusiast , the quack , the pettifogger , are rewarded for torturing , and for deluding men ; but humanity has met with very barbarous usage , only for pleasing , and for instructing them . the very court , which draws most of its ornament from it , has but too often neglected it ; there learning in general has been disregarded : for none but great souls are capable of great designs , and few courtiers have had greatness of mind enough to procure the promotion of science , which is the exaltation of human nature , and the enlargement of the empire of reason . our ministers of state have formerly behaved themselves with so much indifference , as if it would have lessen'd them to have taken any care of letters : they have shewn themselves as perfectly unconcern'd , as if not one had discover'd , that at a time when our neighbours are grown so knowing , the publick safety depends on the progress of learning , and that to patronize science , is to take care of the state. besides , too many of our states-men have been engag'd in unjust designs . most of our politicians have done their endeavour to encroach on the crown , or to attempt on the people . few have had capacity and integrity enough to keep the balance so steady , as to maintain prerogative at once , and assert privilege ; to serve the king zealously , and their country faithfully ; to possess at the same time the favour of the one , and the hearts of the other , to such a degree as to be courted by the people to serve as their representative , at the very time that they are employ'd by the king in mat●rs of the highest importance . instead of that , most of them have had reason to be afraid of the king or the commons ; and men who have been sollicitous for their own safety , have seldom appear'd concern'd for the good of others . few then have been and are in a condition to be protectors of learning , and therefore those happy few , deserve all the honours which we are able to pay them . of those , sir , you appear in the foremost rank , and are to the commonwealth of learning what you are to the state , a great defence and a shining ornament . you have warmly encouraged all sorts of studies , but have been justly and nobly partial to those , for which the state has made no provision : which is enough to gain you the esteem of all who have any regard for learning ; and to win the very souls of all , who , like me , are charm'd with the softer studies of humanity . for which your zeal has been so diffusive , that it has extended it self even to me , tho' a bare inclination to cultivate eloquence and poetry , was the only thing which could recommend me to you : yet even this has been encourag'd by the promise of your protection , and by the humanity of your receiving me : the access which i have had to you , has been the greatest obligation that you could lay upon a man who has still valu'd merit above all the world , and who has sought his improvement more than he has his advancement . when i have at any time approach'd you , i have found in you none of those forbidding qualities , of which they accuse the great : instead of those , i have found an attractive and a humane greatness , the generous sincerity of the man of honour , joyn'd with the grace and complaisance of the courtier , and a deportment noble without pride , and modest without descending . nature has made me something averse from making my court to fortune : but i am proud to attend upon real greatness ; and to wait upon you , since first you encouraged me , has been at once my duty and my ambition . the permission which you gave me to approach you , was so great an incitement to me , that i believe it might have brought me to write well , if i had not a very just reason to resolve to attempt it no more . you had given me one great encouragement before i had the honour to see you , and that was , by leaving off writing your self . for vanity is a greater incitement to poets than pensions , and even want depresses the spirits less than the thought of being surpassed . therefore while mr. montague sung , he sung alone . we admir'd indeed our conquering monarch , but we admir'd in silence . we rever'd the greatness of your genius , and neglected our talents . indeed the strength and sweetness of your voice was fit to charm us alone , and we , who followed , were only fit for the chorus . but you have left a province , which you have made your own , to the administration of those who are under you , and are gone on in your victorious progress to the acquisition of new glory . from which i am sensible that i detract by detaining you : for your actions are your best encomiums , and the loud consent of the nation your best panegyrick . it was a glorious one that was spoken to you by the people of westminster , in the request that they made to you to serve as their member in the present parliament , at a time when they were caballing all over the kingdom , and gentlemen were depriving peasants of their little reason , in order to obtain their voices ; mr. montague's merit , while he was silent , sollicited for him so importunately , that it prevail'd upon a number of considerable inhabitants of the politer parts of the town , to come and make it their humble request to you , to honour them by representing them , which puts me in mind of a saying of de la bruiere , that the people are then at their height of happiness , when their king makes choice for his confidents , and for his ministers , of the very same persons that the people would have chosen , if the choice had been in their power . this , at present , is our own case ; for doubtless the same people , who , without any brigue or the least corruption , came voluntarily to entreat you to suffer them to place you in the great council of the kingdom , would , if the choice had been in their power , have plac'd you in the privy-council ; and they who frankly offer'd to trust you with the disposal of the mony which is in their houses , would have trusted you , had it been in their power , with the intendency of that in the treasury . so that the peoples proffer to chuse you , seems to me to be a loud approbation of the choice , which the king had made before of you , and of your ministration upon that choice . but i injure the publick while i detain you : yet give me leave to end with my zealous wishes for you , that the happiness may be multiplied on you , which you so nobly seek to communicate , that you may encrease in riches and honours faster than you advance in years , till you arrive at that height of prosperity which may be answerable to your high desert , and till fortune may be said to pour down her gifts upon you , in emulation of art and nature : yet envy after all shall be forced to declare , that mr. montague sprung from an illustrious stock , and loaded with plenty and honours , is yet nobler by desert , than he is by descent , and greater by virtue than he is by fortune ; i am , sir , your most humble and most obedient servant , john dennis . to the reader . i once resolved to have along preface before this little book ; but the impression has been so long retarded by the fault of those who had the care of it , that i have now neither time nor humour to execute what i intended . i shall therefore only give a compendious account of what i proposed to have treated of more at large : i designed , in the first place , to have said something of the nature and of the end of a letter , and thought to have prov'd that the invention of it was to supply conversation , and not to imitate it , for that nothing but the dialogue was capable of doing that ; from whence i had drawn this conlclusion , that the style of a letter was neither to come quite up to that of conversation , nor yet to keep at too great a distance from it . after that , i determined to shew , that all conversation is not familiar ; that it may be ceremonius , that it may be grave , nay , that it may be sublime , or that tragedy mnst be allow'd to be out of nature : that if the sublime were easy and unconstrain'd , it might be as consistent with the epistolary style , as it was with the ditactique ; that voiture had admirably joyn'd it with one of them , and longinus with both . after this , i resolv'd to have said something of those who had most succeeded in letters amongst the ancients and moderns , and to have treated of their excellencies and their defects : to have spoken more particularly of cicero and pliny amongst the ancients , and amongst the moderns of balzac and voiture ; to have shewn that cicero is too simple , and no dry , and that pliny is too affected , and too refined ; that one of them has too much of art in him , and that both of them have too little of nature . that the elevation of balzac was frequently forced , and his sublime affected ; that his thoughts were often above his subject , and his expression almost always above his thoughts ; and that whatsoever his subjects were , his style was seldom alter'd : that voiture was eafie and unconstrain'd , and natural when he was most exalted ; that he seldom endeavoured to be witty at the expence of right reason : but that , as his thoughts were for the most part true and just , his expression was often defective , and that his style was too little diversifyed . that for my own part , as i came infinitely short of the extraordinary qualities of these great men , i thought my self obliged to endeavour the rather to avoid their faults ; and that consequently i had taken all the care that i could , not to think out of nature and good sence , and neither to force nor neglect my expressions ; and that i had always taken care to suit my style to my subject , whether it was familiar or sublime , or didactique ; and that i had more or less varied it in every letter . all this and more i designed to have said at large , which i have only hinted now in a hurry . i have nothing to add , but to desire the reader to excuse my bad performance , upon the account of my good endeavour , and for striving to do well in a manner of writing , which is at all times useful , and at this time necessary ; a manner in which the english would surpass both the ancients and moderns , if they would but cultivate it , for the very same reason that they have surpassed them in comedy . but methinks , i have a title to the reader 's favour , for i have more than made amends for the defects of my own letters , by entertaining him with those of my friends . a collection of letters . written by several eminent hands . to walter moyle , esq dear sir , you know a grave fellow assures us , that upon the cessation of oracles , lamentable cries were heard in the air , proclaiming along the coasts the death of the great pan : and have not you upon this dearth of good sence , and this cessation of wit ! tell me truly ; have not you heard these sounds upon the cornish shore , the sage , will. ur. — is no more ? gone is the universal lord of wit ! he to whom all the wits paid homage ; for whom his subjects set a tax upon words , and laid exorbitant customs on thoughts : he 's dead ; alas , he 's dead ! dead , i mean , sir , in a legal capacity ; that is , outlaw'd and gone into the fryars ; to go into which , is once more to outlaw himself : he has done it , sir , and ill fortune has brought him to be a felo de se that way . for since the law thought it but just to put will out of its protection , will thought it but prudent to put himself out of its power . and since the law could use him with so much contempt , as to declare to all the world that it does not care for will. vr — ; will , who is extreamly stout in adversity , has declar'd , by his actions , that he does not care for the law. virgil tells us in his sixth book , that the souls in hell were busied about the same things in which they were employed upon earth ; even so does sage will use the same nutmeg-grater , and the same tea-pot in the fryars , that he handled before in bowstreet . thus has he left the wits , without any sorrow , tho' he loves them , and without taking any leave of them . for will thinks they cannot be long from him ; and he says , he expects that in a very little time his old company should be constant at his new house . and dost not thou think that they too have reason to expect the very same thing ? for as the death of any man ought to put all his friends in mind , that he went before but to lead them the way ; so will 's departure from this miserable life , this lewd covent-garden life , and his ferrying from somerset-stairs to the infernal shore of alsatia , should be a memento to the rest of the wits , that he is but gone whither they all must follow . to leave off poetical similies , this body politick is in a cursed condition ; and cannot keep long together without a head. the members are at present in a grave debate how to get one . to morrow the whole house will resolve it self into a grand committee , to consult about ways and means of making provission for the common necessities . some talk of an excise upon may-dew , and rasberry-brandy : that there will be a poll , is strongly asserted , in which every man is to pay according to his respective condition . to morrow it will be known to how much each man 's quota amounts . as for example : how much a poet is to pay , how much a wit , how much a politician , and how much a critick . a critick , did i say ? i beg your pardon : they have voted nemine contradicente , that they will cess no critick till mr. moyle returns . i have given them my sentiments upon the forementioned poll , which were , that it was something hard to make a man pay for being call'd , wit , poet , or critick ; that they saw by experience lately in the state , that poor dogs grumbled to pay for their titles . how then could they think that people would be contented to be tax'd for their nick-names ? that in setling this tax they were to take a quite contrary method , to that which was taken upon setling a tax in the state. that in the state , sometimes a man paid for what he really had ; as for example , when a country ' sqnire paid for his land or his money ; and sometimes for what he really had not , as when a cit that is twice dub'd , knight by the king , and cuckold by his wife , pays for his honour , and for his children . the first of which is but as it were his , for it is really the king 's ; and the second of which are but as it were his , for they are really the courtier 's who help'd him to his title . in the state too a man is made to pay for something which he does , or for something which he does not . as a jacobite pays so much for swearing when he 's drunk , and so much more for not swearing when he 's sober . but that in our case , if we would be exactly just , we should make people pay neither for what they have , nor for what they have not ; nor for what they do , nor for what they do not ; but should oblige them to pay only for pretending to have what they really have not , or for offering to do , what they are utterly incapable of doing . that thus the tax would certainly fall upon the most solvent part of the body . for how ridiculous would it be to tax a man for having poetry and wit , when they are almost always signs , that he has not a farthing to pay ? on the other side , how absurd would it be to tax him for a bare want of those qualities ? since when a man is dull without pretending , 't is ten to one but he is poor , for riches make men vain , and vanity makes them affected . but he who is not much at his ease , is hardly at leisure for affection ; and i have often seen , that when vanity has thrown a fop out of nature , necessity has brought him back again : but a rich rogue will be sure to be always pretending . fortune takes pleasure in making those vain , whom nature before made impotent , and both of them often conspire to finish a coxcomb . thus i would have none pay , but they who put gravity upon us for wisdom , visions for politicks , and quibbles for wit ; and i would have no man at any expence for being call'd a poet , a wit , or a critick , unless it be by himself . it would be equally hard to lay a tax upon any one , for his ill fortune , or for his ill nature , since they are things of which no man is master . but what ? a sot cannot help his vanity . agreed : but then it makes him so much happier than he deserves to be , that he may well be contented to pay for it . i am your most humble servant , john dennis . to mr. wycherley , at cleve , near shrewsbury . sir , while i venture to write these lines to you , i take it to be my interest not to consider you , as i hitherto always have done , and as for the future i always shall , viz. as mr. wycherley , as the greatest comick-wit that ever england bred , as a man sent purposely into the world , to charm the ears of the wittiest men , and to ravish the hearts of the most beautiful women : no , sir , that in writing to you i may assume some spirit , i shall at present only consider you as the humble hermit at cleve ; humble even in the full possession of all those extraordinary qualities , the knowledge of which has made me proud. i must confess , that i have no great opinion of that which men generally call humility . humility in most men is want of heat ; 't is phlegm , 't is impotence , 't is a wretched necessity , of which they who lie under it , vainly endeavour to make a virtue . but in a man of mr. wycherley's make , 't is choice , 't is force of mind , 't is a good , 't is a generous condescension . and what force of mind is there not requisite to bend back a soul by perpetual reflection , which would be always rising , and eternally aspiring by virtue of its in-born fire ? yet yours , notwithstanding all its power , cannot wholly depress its self , nor descend in every part of it . at the time that your will vouchsafes to stoop , your understanding soars ; your writings are as bold as your conversation is modest , ( though those are bold , as this is modest with judgment ) and he who would do you justice , must needs confess , that you are a very ambitious writer , though a very humble man. yet your very ambition has oblig'd mankind : it has exalted humane nature , in raising your own by its most noble efforts ; and that without boasting preheminence . and surely it must be for this very reason that we feel a secret pride , when we but read the discoveries which you have made . thus i cannot say what you are without vanity , for never was man exempt from it ; but i can say , that you have made use even of vanity to humble you by way of reflection , and that you have avoided that dangerous effect of it , vain-glory , the rock upon which several great wits before you have been seen to split . for you have always wisely considered , that vain-glory in the vulgar may be supportable , nay may be diverting ; but that in great men it must be intollerable . that whereas in the first 't is want of discernment , 't is folly , 't is the extravagance and blindness of self-love ; in the last , 't is crime , 't is malice , 't is a secret and proud design to mortifie and insult over the rest of men , over whom they have so much advantage ; that it is for this very reason , that we so deeply resent and so severely revenge the mortal affronts we receive from it . great wits were by heaven predestin'd to rule , to rule the minds of others , the noblest empire ; but when they grow outwardly vain they grow tyrants , and then their discontented subjects rebel , and then they despose those kings as usurpers , whom before they obey'd as their lawful monarchs . but a moderate , a good , and a gracious prince , like you , commands their hearts as well as their understandings , and under one whom they love so well , they grow as proud , as they are pleas'd to obey . our violent inclinations make us belong to you , and therefore 't is the interest even of our pride , that you should long continue in the place which your extraordinary desert has attain'd . did we nothing but esteem you as much as we do , we should certainly envy you ; if we did not hate you ; for bare esteem is always forc'd upon us , whereas inclination is much more voluntary : besides , as a judicious french man observes , esteem is foreign , and comes from abroad , and is therefore received with grumbling ; but inclination is our own , and born in our breasts , and is therefore caress'd and cherish'd . i might add , that upon this account , it is hard to wish well to those whom we very much esteem , if they have not likewise the skill to make themselves be belov'd ; because barely to esteem depresses the spirits , as much as to love very much exalts them ; it brings the soul 〈◊〉 languid temper , and gives it at once 〈◊〉 horrid views of another's excellencies , and of its own infirmities ; but affection gives it agitation and warmth ; and in the view of a friend's desert , it takes too much pleasure , and too much pride to consider its own defects . 't is true , that you are esteemed at this high rate , you owe to your wit and your penetration ; but that you are esteem'd without envy , that you are with joy and gladness esteem'd , you owe to this , that while the force of your fancy and judgment makes all the world admire you , you remain yourself unmov'd by it ; that while your excellence fills all mouths but yours , you alone appear to be unacquainted with it . thus while by the merit of your extraordinary qualities , you are known to surpass all others , it plainly appears that you have beyond all this a greatness of soul , from whence you look down on your own merit . an infallible sign that the talants which we admire in you are no illusions , but real things , things that were born with you , and have been improv'd by you , and which you have not acquir'd : for men are found to be vainer , upon the account of those qualities which they fondly believe they have , than of those which they really have ; and hereditary greatness gives men 〈◊〉 to be humble , whereas preferment occasions pride . none but such real greatness as yours can capacitate a man to be truly humble ; for the soul , which by nature is not seated high , can hardly be said to descend . if i have insisted too long on this shining subject , a subject which is so conspicuous in you ; if you look upon this tedious letter , as one of those various persecutions which every eminent virtue provokes ; i desire you to consider , that i have so many obligations to this very humility , that i look'd upon my self as oblig'd by gratitude to say as much as i have done . for to what i owe the happiness which i have frequently received in your conversation ; to that i owe the present satisfaction which your permission to write to you gives me ; and to that i am indebted for the hopes of your answers ; when i have received them i shall then believe what you were pleas'd to tell me when i saw you last , that you are much more humble in the clear air on your mountain at cleve , than when you are in fog and sulphurous smoke in bow-street . but at the same time , the satisfaction of thinking that distance does not make you forget me , will render him very proud , who is at present , sir , your very humble servant , john dennis . mr. wycherley's answer to mr. dennis . dear sir , you have found a way to make me satisfyed with my absence from london ; nay , what is more , with the distance which is now betwixt you and me . that indeed uses to lessen friendship , but gives me the greater mark of yours by your kind letter which i had miss'd if i had been nearer to you : so that i , who receive no rents here , yet must own if i did , i cou'd not receive greater satisfaction than i had from yours , worth even a letter of exchange , or letters pattents ; for i value your friendship more than money , and am prouder of your approbation than i should be of titles : for the having the good opinion of one who knows mankind so well , argues some merit in me , upon which every man ought to consider himself more , than upon the goods of fortune . i had rather be thought your friend in proof of my judgment and good sense , than a friend to the muses ; and had rather have you than them thought mine . if i am as you say , at once proud and humble , 't is since i have known i have had the honour to please you ; tho' your praise rather humbles than makes me ( tho' a damn'd poet ) more vain . for it is so great , that it rather seems the railery of a witty man , than the sincerity of a friend ; and rather proves the copiousness of your own invention , than justifies the fertility of mine . but i fear i am forfeiting the character of the plain-dealer with you ; and seem like vain women or vainer men , to refuse praise , but to get more ; and so by returning your compliments , shew my self grateful out of interest , as knaves are punctual in some payments , but to augment their credit . and for your praise of my humility , ( the only mark of my knowledge , since it is a mark of my knowing my self , ) you have prais'd that to its destruction , and have given me so much , you have left me none . like those admirers who praise a young maid's modesty till they deprive her of it . but let me tell you , 't is not to my humility that you owe my friendship , but to my ambition , since i can have no greater than to be esteem'd by you , and the world , your friend , and to be known to all mankind for , dear sir , your humble servant , w. wycherley . postscript . my dear friend , i have no way to shew my love to you in my absence , but by my jealousie : i would not have my rivals in your friendship the c — s , the d — s , the w — s , and the rest of your tavern-friends enjoy your conversation while i cannot : tho' , i confess , 't is to their interest to make you dumb with wine , that they may be heard in your company ; tho' it were more the demonstration of their wit to hear you , than to be heard by you . for my own part , i am ambitious of your company alone in some solitude , where you and i might be all one . for i am sure if i can pretend to any sence , i can have no instruction or satisfaction of life , better than your example and your society . my service pray , to all my friends ; that is , to all yours whom i know : and be charitable ( as often as you can ) to the absent ; which you good wits seldom are ; i mean be charitable with your letters to your humble servant . postscript . pray let me have more of your letters , tho' they would rally me with compliments undeserv'd as your last has done ; for like a country esquire , i am in love with a town wit 's conversation , tho' it be but at a distance that i am forced to have it , and tho' it abuses me while i enjoy it . to mr. wycherley . dear sir , not long after i writ my last to you , i was hurried up to town by a kind of a cholick , which was ended in a destruction upon one of my feet . you know , sir , a defluction is a general name which some pleasant french men have given an infant gout , too young to be yet baptiz'd . but tho' the distemper rag'd in each hand , i would in spight of it , answer your admirable letter , a letter which i had certainly known to be yours , tho' it had been sent me without a name , nay and transcrib'd by a chancery-clerk in his own hideous manner of copying . but i must confess i was surpriz'd to hear you say in it , that you took the sincerity of a man who so much esteems you for railery , yet tho' you declare it , you can never believe it . i am willing to believe you exceeding humble ; but you can never be humble to that degree , unless your mind , which resembles your eye , in its clearness , its liveliness , and in its piercing views , should be also like it in this , that plainly discerning all things else , it wants a sight of it self ; but in this it does not resemble it : for it beholds it self by reflections , and like a lovely maid at her glass , is charm'd with the sight of its own beauty . this is a sight in which you take pride as well as pleasure ; but yours i must confess is a guiltless pride , it being nothing but first motion , which it is impossible for man to avoid . you have both the force to subdue it immediately , and the art and goodness to conceal it from us . that it plainly appears from what i have said , that you do not believe i had any design to rally you . i am confident that through all my letter there appears an air of sincerity . but that is a virtue which has been so long and so peculiarly yours , that you may perhaps be jealous of it in your friends , and disclaim some virtues which they commend in you only to monopolize that . you had given me , at least an occasion to think so , if the railery in yours had not been so very apparent , that even i had eyes to discern that you have been to blame in it , tho' i am doubly blinded with love of you and my self . yet if you writ it with a design to mortifie me , assure your self that i shall fortifie my vanity with that very artillery with which you have begun to attack it . if mr. wycherley rallies me , it is certain that i have my defects ; but it is full as certain , that he would never condescend to abuse me at such a distance if he wholly despis'd me . thus , sir , you see i am as reasonable with my friend , as a russian spouse is with her husband , and take his very railery for a mark of esteem , as she does a beating for a proof of affection . the very worst of your qualities gain our affections : even your jealousie is very obliging , which it could never be unless it were very groundless . but since your very suspicion is obliging , what influence must your kindness have on our souls ? the wish that i were with you in some retirement , is engaging to that degree , that i almost repent that i so eagerly desir'd your conversation before . for if it were possible i would augment that desire as a grateful return to yours . to be with you in solitude would make me perfectly happy . tho' it were in the orcades , i would not wish my self remov'd to any happier climate ; no , not even to that which contain'd my absent mistress ; all that i could do for her on that occasion , would be to wish her with me . in that retirement what should i not enjoy ? where i should be admirably instructed without trouble , and infinitely delighted without vice , where i should be glorious at once with envy and quiet . for what could be more glorious , than to be the companion of your retreat ! my very ambition instructs me to love such solitude . tho' , properly speaking , there can be no solitude where you reside : immortal company still attends you , and the virtues , the graces , and the charming nine , who love the groves , and are fond of you , follow you to remotest retirements . the comick muse is more particularly yours ; and it is your peculiar praise to allure the most ravishing of all the sisters after you into retirement : to make that goddess forsake the crowd with you , who loves it most of the nine : you have been constantly her darling , her best belov'd . thus in retirement with her and you , i should have the conversation of mankind ; i should enjoy it with all its advantages , without its least inconveniencies . in the philosophy of your actions and words , i should see the wise , the good , and the truly great ; in your observations , and in your railery , the men of sence , and the men of wit ; and in your satyr , severely pleasant , the fools and rascals expos'd by it . in the postscript to my last , i made an apology for usurping a style so foreign from this way of writing . i have once more run into the same fault in this , but the very thought of mr. wycherley spreads a generous warmth thro' me , and raises my soul to rapture . and when a man writes , his soul and his style of necessity rise together . in my next i have something with which i must trouble you , that will require another manner of writing . i am , &c. to mr. wycherley . dear sir , i have been very ill ever since i took my leave of you , so that i parted in one night from all that i value most , that is , from my health and you . however , nature was kind in not failing to supply me with vigour , till fortune had depriv'd me of your conversation , and i was got amongst people with whom i small occasion for vigour . yet even here in spight of sickness and absence i have made a shift to converse with you : for i thought that your works were the only things that could make me full amends for the loss of your company : by them you have been able to give me joy even in the midst of my pain . for , the country wife , and the plain dealer are stores of delight , which you have laid up by a noble charity , to supply the poor in spirit thro' all posterity . so that i believe that to be one of the reasons of fortune's pique to you , that you have put it out of her power for the time to come , to prosecute her quarrel to men of sence effectually : for by having recourse to you in your works , they are sure to become more happy than . fools , even at the time when they are less successful . but i can hold up my head no longer at present , as soon as i am better you may expect a longer letter from me . i am yours , &c. mr. wycherley to mr. dennis . dear sir , i have received yours of the th of november , and am glad to find by it , that however your friends are losers by your absence from the town , you are a gainer by it ; of your health , which every one you have left behind you , ( but ch — ) may be thought a friend to : and the more each man is your friend , the more he is satisfy'd with pour absence , which tho' it makes us ill for want of you , makes you well for want of us : your taking no leave of me ( which you would excuse ) i take to be one of the greatest kindnesses you ever shew'd me ; for i could no more see a departing friend from the town , than a departing friend from this life ; and sure 't is as much kindness and good breeding to steal from our friends society unknown to 'em , ( when we must leave 'em to their trouble ) as it is to steal out of a room , after a ceremonious visit , to prevent trouble to him , whom we would oblige and respect ; so that your last fault ( as you call it ) is like the rest of your faults , rather an obligation than an offence ; tho' the greatest injury indeed you can do your friends , is to leave 'em against their will , which you must needs do . you tell me you converse with me in my writings , i must confess then you suffer a great deal for me in my absence , which ( tho' i would have you love me ) i would not have you do ; but for your truer diversion , pray change my country wife for a better of your own in the country , and exercise your own plain dealing there , then you will make your country ' squire better company , and your parson more sincere in your company than his pulpit , or in his cups : but when you talk of store of delights you find in my plain dealer , you cease to be one ; and when you commend my country wife , you never were more a courtier ; and i doubt not but you will like your next neighbour's country wife better than you do mine , that you may pass your time , better than you can do with my country wife ; and like her innocence more than her wit , since innocence is the better bawd to love ; but enjoy my wife and welcome in my absence , i shall take it as civilly as a city cuckold : i was sorry to find by you that your head ak'd whilst you writ me your letter ; since i fear 't was from reading my works ( as you call them ) not from your own writing , which never gave you pain , tho' it would to others to imitate it . i 've given your service to your friends at the rose , who , since your absence , own they ought not to go for the witty club ; nor is will 's the wits coffee-house any more , since you left it , whose society , for want of yours , is grown as melancholy , that is , as dull as when you left them a nights , to their own mother-wit , their puns , couplets , or quibbles ; therefore expect not a witty letter from any of them , no more than from me , since they , nor i have conversed with you these three weeks . i have no news worth sending you , but my next shall bring you what we have . in the mean time let me tell you ( what i hope is no news to you ) that your absence is more tedious to me , than a quibbler's company to you ; so that i being sick yesterday , as i thought without any cause , reflected you were forty or fifty miles off , and then found the reason of my indisposition , for i cannot be well so far from you , who am , my dear mr. dennis , your obliged humble servant , w. wycherley . postscript . pray pardon me that i have not sooner answer'd your letter , for i have been very busie this last week about law-affairs , that is , very dull and idle , tho' very active . your friends of the coffee-house and the rose , whether drunk or sober , good fellows , or good wits , show at least their sence , by valuing you and yours , and send you all their service ; and never are more wits and less poets , that is , less lyars , than when they profess themselves your servants . for news , w — lives soberly , ch — goes to bed early ; d'vrfy sings now like a poet , that is , without being ask'd : and all the poets , or wits-at-wills , since your departure speak well of the absent . bal — says his ill looks proceed rather for want of your company , than for having had that of his mistress ; even the quibblers and politicians , have no double meaning when they speak well of you . to mr. wycherley . dear sir , the sight of your letter reviv'd me : it appear'd like the rays of the new sun , to one who has winter'd under the pole , and brought with it light , warmth , and spirit . the raillery in it was very obliging ; for the lust of praise is as powerful with men , as the itch of enjoyment is with women ; and it is as hard for us to think that our friends ridicule us when they commend our wit , as it is for them to believe that their gallants abuse them when they extol their beauty . yet generally in both cases , whatever is said , is said for the satisfaction of him that speaks it . but then , as he delights in deceiving , the person to whom he speaks is deceiv'd with pleasure , and both parties are satisfied . but mr. wycherley is to be excepted from this general rule , who commends his friend for his friend's sake . you never are witty to please your self , to whom wit has so long been habitual , that you are often hardly mov'd your self when you say those admirable things with which we are transported . not that i am so far betray'd by vanity , as to take your compliments at the foot of the letter , or to suppose that you believ'd all that you said ; but i am willing , for your sake , to believe that you meant something of it ; and that not being without kindness for me , ( which is only owing to the sweetness of your nature , that is , to your merit , and not to mine ; ) your reason , as the duke de la rochefoucaut says , has been bubbled by your affection . and here , sir , i have much the advantage of you ; for when i declare that i have the greatest opinion in the world of you , none will mistrust my sincerity , and all will applaud my discernment ; but you cannot express your zeal at so high a rate for any friend , but it must considerably lessen the world's opinion of your judgment . but if it is mr. wycherley's peculiar praise , never to have shewn want of judgment in any thing , unless in that only thing in which errour is honourable : how few are they who are capable of erring at your rate ! vellem in amicia sic erraremus , & isti errori virtus nomen posuisset honestum . and how happy is the man who has a friend so accomplish'd , that errour in him is virtue ? i am that happy man , and am so far exalted by my happiness , that i am never less humble , than when i subscribe my self , dear sir , your most humble and faithful servant . mr. wycherley's to mr. — on the loss of his mistress . dear sir , i have had yours of the st of march , to which i should sooner have returned an answer , had i not been forced to take a little turn out of town ; but your letter to me , brought me not more satisfaction than your last to mr. moyle gave me disquiet for you : since by that i find how uneasie you are . yet know , my friend , from one sufficiently experienced in love-disasters , that love is often a kind of losing loadam , in which the loser is most often the gainer . if you have been deprived of a mistress , consider you have lost a wife , and tho' you are disappointed of a short satisfaction , you have likewise escaped a tedious vexation , which matrimony infallibly comes to be , one way or another ; so that your misfortune is an accident which your true friends should rather felicitate than commiserate . you told me in your last , that you were no more master of your self : then how should i help rejoycing at the restoration of your liberty ? a man might as reasonably be sorry for his friend's recovery from madness , as for his recovery from love , ( tho' for the time a pleasant frenzy ; ) so that , your mistress's father , has rather been your doctor than your enemy : and you should not be angry with him , if he cures you of your love-distemper , tho' by a means a little too violent ; for next to his daughter's cure of love , his may prove the best . well , pray be not angry , that i can be pleas'd with any thing that can so much displease you : i own my friendship for you , has a little selfishness in it , for now you cannot be so happy as you wou'd in the country , i hope you will make us as happy as we can be in town , which we shall be as soon as we have your company : for know , my friend , change of air after a love-distemper , may be as good as 't is after a fever ; and therefore make haste to town , where a great many doctors have engaged to compleat your cure. your friends will do any thing to root out the remains of your passion . the witty club will grow grave to instruct you ; and the grave club will grow gay to delight you ; wh — will turn a philosopher ; and i will grow a good-fellow , and venture my own health , for the recovery of your good humour ; for i had rather be sick in your company , than for want of it ; who am , dear sir , your most unalterable friend , and humble servant , w. wycherley . postscript . pray pardon me for not writing to you before , or rather for writing to you so dully now , which i hope will be my best excuse for my not writing sooner . all your friends of the coffee-house are well ; and what is no news to you , are , in spight of your absence , your constant humble servants . the answer to mr. wycherley . dear sir , i have a colourable excuse for my silence , for when you went out of town , you gave me the hopes of receiving a letter from you , as soon as you arriv'd at cleve . besides , since that , i have been a month in northamptonshire . but the inclination which i have to converse with mr. wycherley , is too violent to receive any check from punctillo's . but , alas , i was restrain'd by too just an impediment : for ever since i saw you , i have been so rackt by a cruel passion , that i have had no power to do any thing but to to complain . and your portion of melancholy is not so small , that you have need to be troubled with another man's spleen . i would be sure to communicate my happiness to my friend , nay , i could be but half happy if i did not communicate it . as in love i never could be pleas'd to a height with my own pleasure , if i did not find that it added to that of my mistress . but i should impart my ill humour to my friend , if i found that it were not in his power to ease me , and that it were much in his inclination , with as much regret , as i should acquaint him with his own ill fortune , if i were clearly convinc'd that it were not in my power to assist him . you would not advise me to stifle this passion . you are too well acquainted with love , and me , to do that : you know that that would be to perswade me to a thing which you are already sensible that i am very willing and very unable to do . i blush while i show this weakness , but sure there is some force of mind requir'd to shew some sorts of weakness . you remember the maxim of the wise duke : la meme fermete qui sert a resister al'amour , sertauffi queque fois a le rendre violent & durable . if that be true , i beseech you to believe that this obstinate lover is a constant friend too , and unalterably , dear sir , your most humble servant . mr. wycherley's letter to mr. — dear sir , i lately received from you so kind , and so witty a reproach for my not writing to you , that i can hardly repent me of my fault , since it has been the occasion of my receiving so much satisfaction : but you have had a reasonable excuse for your silence , since you say i promis'd to write to you first , which is very true ; and i had kept my promise , but for my conjecture that you could not stay so long out of northamptonshire ; nor was i , it seems mistaken in that . but be assur'd , dear sir , i think there can be no better end , or design of my writing , than in its procuring me the satisfaction of receiving something of yours ; especially , since i have no other way left me now of conversing with you . but it seems , you forbear to relieve me out of charity , since you say your trouble was so great , that you were unwilling to communicate it to me to mine . i see your wit can do any thing , make an omission of a kindness a greater obligation ; and if you complain but to your mistress , as wittily as you do to your friend , i wonder not at her cruelty , nor that she should take pleasure to hear you complain so long . but , my friend , have a care of complaining to her , with so much true sence , lest it should disparage your true love ; and indeed , that i fear is the only cause you are suffer'd to complain so long , without the success which is due to your merit , love , and wit , from one who , you say , has her self so much ; which , with your pardon , i shall hardly believe , tho' you are her voucher , if she does not do what you wou'd have her ; that is , do you and herself reason as fast as she can ; since she must needs believe you a warm and sincere lover , as much as i believe you a zealous and a true friend . and i am so well acquainted with love and you , that i believe no body is able to alter your love , or advise your reason ; the one being as unalterable as the other infallible ; and you ( for ought i know ) are the only man who at once can love and be wise. and to the wise , you know , a word is enough ; especially since you gave me a caution against opposing your passion ; because it would be in vain . if love be in you as in other men , a violent passion , it is therefore a short frenzy , and should be cur'd like other distempers of that kind , by your friends humouring it , rather than opposing it . yet pardon me , if i prescribe the common remedy of curing one love with another . but whether you will let me be your doctor or no , i must at least wish you well , who am , dear sir , your most obliged affectionate friend , and humble servant , w. wycherley . postscript . pray thank my friend mr. w. — for putting his surtout of a letter over yours of a finer stuff , as the lining of a garment is often finer than the outside . pray give all the honest gentlemen of the coffee-house , of my acquaintance and yours , my humble service ; whom , with you i hope to see again , within this three weeks , at london . mr. dennis to mr. wycherley . dear sir , a man who has the vanity of pretending to write , must certainly love you extremely well , if he does not hate you after he has received from you such a letter as yours : and he must undoubtedly shew a great deal of friendship , when he assures you he does not envy you the very lines by which you commend him . a man had need be very well acquainted with the goodness of your nature , to be satisfied that you do not praise with a wicked design to mortifie . there are few writers so humble , whom mr. wycherley's commendation would not render vain ; but then there are few writers so proud , whom the wit that mr. wycherley shews in commending them , would not humble . so that a man , who did not know you , wou'd be apt to believe that whenever you write to phraise , you do but like a wrestler who lifts people up on purpose to throw them down , and the higher he raises them , makes their fall the greater . your commendation is to a modest man , what the second bottle is to a sober man ; it raises his vigour while he is swallowing it ; but the wit is as sure to make the one melancholy upon mature reflection , as the wine is certain to leave the other spiritless after the third concoction : but our infirmity cannot be your fault ; to whom we are oblig'd for your generous intentions , which give you such a peculiar distinction from ordinary men of wit. indeed , by a just and a noble confidence , which you may repose in your self , you may always very safely commend ; because you may be always sure to surpass . 't is prudent and noble at once in a conqueror to extol the conquered : to praise the excellence which he o'ercomes , is but to commend himself : besides , it wins the very heart and soul of him that is overcome , if he has but virtue enough to be so subdued ; and makes him willing to leave his last retrenchment . it would long since have had that effect upon me , if the rest of your good qualities had not prevented it ; which have so closely and so entirely tied me to you , that whenever i receive a letter from you , my vanity is sure to gain on the one side , what it is certain to lose on the other : for if i am mortified as to my own wit , i do not fail to value my self upon yours . i am , &c. to mr. wycherley , that a block-head is better qualified for business than a man of wit. dear sir , the last time i was at will 's , i had the mortification to hear , that our friend mr. — had met with a disappointment in — ; at which , some , who were present , were glad , affirming , that success would have thrown him out of his element ; for that a man of wit is not qualified for business so well as a block-head : i have since had some thoughts concerning that matter which i here send you , and of which i desire your opinion . upon reflection i have found out the following reasons , why block-heads are thought to be fittest for business , and why they really succeed in it . first , as their brains are a great deal colder , than those are of men of wit , they must have but very strait imaginations , and very barren inventions ; from whence it follows that they have but few thoughts , and that a few objects fill their capacities . secondly , it is reasonable enough to believe , that since they are uncapable of many thoughts , those few which they have , are determin'd by their necessities , their appetites , and their desires , to what they call their fortunes and their establishments . thirdly , it is not very hard to conceive , that since a block-head has but a few thoughts , and perhaps but one all his life-time , which is his interest , he should have it more perfect , and better digested , then men of wit have the same thought , who perhaps have a thousand every hour . fourthly , it is easie to comprehend , that since such a one has but a few thoughts , or perhaps but one , which by often revolving in his mind , he has digested , and brought to perfection , he should readily pass from thought to action . for he must grow weary of thinking so often of one and the same thing ; and since the nature of the soul requires agitation , as soon as his little speculation ceases , he must of necessity act to divert himself . fifthly , it will be certainly found , that as a little thought often makes a man active in business , so a little judgment often makes him diligent ; for he may well be eager in the pursuit of those things , on which , seduced by passion and vulgar opinion , he sets an exorbitant value ; and concerning whose natures and incertainty he is not very capable of making solid reflections . for tho' prudence may oblige a man to secure a competency , yet never was any one by right reason induced to seek superfluities . sixthly , penury of thoughts supposes littleness of soul , which is often requisite for the succeeding in business : for a blockhead is sordid enough to descend to trick and artifice , which in business are often necessary to procure success ; unless they are more than supplied , by a prudence deriv'd from a consummate experience , or from a great capacity . thus have i endeavour'd to give the reason , why a fool succeeds better in business than a man of wit ; who has a multitude of thoughts , and which fly at the noblest objects ; and who finds that there is something so pleasing , and so noble , in thinking rightly , and more especially in the sublime speculations of exalted reason , that he finds it intollerably irksome to descend to action , and abhors the very thought of being diligent in things , for which he has an extream contempt . thus you 〈◊〉 that in some measure , a fool may be said to be better fitted out for business , than a man of wit. but it is high time to distinguish : for , first , when i say that a block-head is fitted for business , i mean only for little business : for to affirm , that he is qualified for affairs that require extent of capacity , would be a contradiction in terms . secondly , when i affirm , that a man of wit is less capacitated for business , i mean that he is less so , as long as he keeps in his natural temper , and remains in a state of tranquility : but if once he comes to be thrown out of that by the force of a violent passion , and fir'd with zeal for his country's service , or enflam'd by ambition , and business can be made subservient to the gratifying of those passions , then i dare boldly affirm , that one man of wit will go further than a thousand of those who want it . of which it would be easie to give more than one instance amongst our present ministers . but i will be contented with putting you in mind , that none of the romans had more wit than caesar , and none of the french than richelieu . before i conclude , i must give you a caution ; which is , that by the word blockhead , i do not mean one that is stupid , but that i apply that word according to the language of you men of wit , to one who thinks but a little : and that on the other side , by a man of wit , i do not mean every coxcomb whose imagination has got the ascendant of his little reason ; but a man like you , sir , or our most ingenious friend , in whom fancy and judgment are like a well-match'd pair ; the first like an extraordinary wife , that appears always beautiful , and always charming , yet is at all times decent , and at all times chast ; the second like a prudent and well-bred husband , whose very sway shews his complaisance , and whose very indulgence shews his authority , i am , dear sir , your most humble servant , john dennis . to mr. dryden . sir , tho' no man writes to his friend with greater ease , or with more chearfulness , than my self ; and tho' i have lately had the presumption to place you at the head of that small party , nevertheless i have experienc'd , with grief , that in writing to you i have not found my old facility . since i came to this place i have taken up my pen several times in order to write to you , but have constantly at the very beginning found my self damp'd and disabled ; upon which i have been apt to believe that extraordinary esteem may sometimes make the mind as impotent as a violent love does the body , and that the vehement desire we have to exert it , extremely decays our ability . i have heard of more than one lusty gallant , who , tho' he could at any time , with readiness and vigour , possess the woman whom he lov'd but moderately , yet when he has been about to give his darling mistress , whom he has vehemently and long desir'd , the first last proof of his passion , has found on a sudden that his body has jaded and grown resty under his soul , and gone backward the faster , the more he has spurr'd it forward . esteem has wrought a like effect upon my mind ; my extraordinary inclination to shew that i honour you at an extraordinary rate , and to shew it in words that might not be altogether unworthy mr. dryden's perusal , incapacitates me to perform the very action to which it incites me , and nature sinks in me under the fierce effort . but i hope you will have the goodness to pardon a weakness that proceeds from a cause like this , and to consider that i had pleas'd you more if i had honoured you less . who knows but that yet i may please you , if you encourage me to mend my fault ? to which , if you know but the place i am in , charity would engage you , tho' justice could not oblige you : for i am here in a desart , depriv'd of company , and depriv'd of news ; in a place where i can hear nothing at all of the publick ; and what proves it ten times more a desart , nothing at all of you : for all who are at present concern'd for their country's honour , hearken more after your preparatives , than those for the next campaign . these last may possibly turn to our confusion , so uncertain are the events of war ; but we know that whatever you undertake must prove glorious to england ; and tho' the french may meet with success in the field , by you we are sure to conquer them . in war there are a thousand unlook'd-for accidents which happens every day , and fortune appears no where more like her self ; but in a combat of wit , the more humane contention , and the more glorious quarrel , merit will be always sure to prevail : and therefore , tho' i can but hope that the confederate forces will give chase to de lorge and luxemburgh , i am very confident that boileau and racine will be forced to submit to you . judge therefore , if i , who very much love my country , and who so much esteem you , must not with a great deal of impatience expect to hear from you . i am , sir , your most humble servant . to mr. dryden . dear sir , you may see already by this presumptuous greeting , that encouragement gives us as much assurance to friendship , as it imparts to love : you may see too , that a friend may sometimes proceed to acknowledge affection , by the very same degrees by which a lover declares his passion . this last , at first , confesses esteem , yet owns no passion but admiration : but as soon as he is animated by one kind expression , his look , his style , and his very soul are altered ; but as sovereign beauties know very well , that he who confesses he esteems and admires them , implies that he loves them , or is enclin'd to love them ; a person of mr. dryden's exalted genius , can discern very well , that when we esteem him highly , 't is respect restrains us if we say no more . for where great esteem is without affection , 't is often attended with envy , if not with hate ; which passions detract , even when they commend , and silence is their highest panegyric . 't is indeed impossible , that i should refuse to love a man , who has so often given me all the pleasure that the most insatiable mind can desire ; when at any time i have been dejected by disappointments , or tormented by cruel passions , the recourse to your verses has calm'd my soul , or rais'd it to transports which made it contemn tranquility . but tho' you have so often given me all the pleasure i was able to bear , i have reason to complain of you on this account , that you have confin'd my delight to a narrower compass : suckling , cowley , and denham , who formerly ravish'd me in ev'ry part of them , now appear tastless to me in most ; and waller himself , with all his gallantry , and all that admirable art of his turns , appears three quarters prose to me . thus 't is plain that your muse has done me an injury ; but she has made me amends for it : for she is like those extraordinary women , who , besides the regularity of their charming features , besides their engaging wit , have secret , unaccountable , enchanting graces , which tho' they have been long and often enjoy'd , make them always new and always desirable . i return you my hearty thanks for your most obliging letter . i had been very unreasonable if i had repin'd that the favour arriv'd no sooner : 't is allowable to grumble at the delaying a payment , but to murmur at the deferring a benefit , is to be impudently ungrateful beforehand . the commendations which you give me , exceedingly sooth my vanity : for you with a breath can bestow or confirm reputation ; a whole numberless people proclaims the praise which you give , and the judgments of three mighty kingdoms appear to depend upon yours . the people gave me some little applause before ; but to whom , when they are in humour , will they not give it ? and to whom , when they are froward will they not refuse it ? reputation with them depends upon chance , unless they are guided by those above them : they are but the keepers as it were of the lottery which fortune sets up for renown ; upon which fame is bound to attend with her trumpet , and sound when men draw the prizes . thus i had rather have your approbation than the applause of fame her commendation argues good luck , but mr. dryden's implies desert . whatever low opinion i have hitherto had of my self , i have so great a value for your judgment , that , for the sake of that , i shall be willing henceforward to believe that i am not wholly desertless ; but that you may find me still more supportable , i shall endeavour to compensate whatever i want in those glittering qualities , by which the world is dazled , with truth , with faith , and with zeal to serve you ; qualities which , for their rarity , might be objects of wonder , but that men dare not appear to admire them , because their admiration would manifestly declare their want of ' em . thus , sir , let me assure you , that tho' you are acquainted with several gentlemen , whose eloquence and wit may capacitate them to offer their service with more address to you , yet no one can declare himself , with greater chearfulness , or with greater fidelity , or with more profound respect than my self , sir , your most , &c. mr. dryden to mr. dennis . my dear mr. dennis , when i read a letter so full of my commendations , as your last , i cannot but consider you as the master of a vast treasure , who , having more than enough for your self , are forc'd to ebb out upon your friends . you have indeed the best right to give them , since you have them in propriety ; but they are no more mine when i receive them , than the light of the moon can be allowed to be her own , who shines but by the reflection of her brother . your own poetry is a more powerful example , to prove that the modern writers may enter into comparison with the ancients , than any which perrault could produce in france ; yet neither he , nor you , who are a better critick , can persuade me that there is any room left for a solid commendation at this time of day , at least for me . if i undertake the translation of virgil , the little which i can perform will shew at least , that no man is fit to write after him , in a barbarous modern tongue : neither will his machines be of any service to a christian poet. we see how ineffectually they have been try'd by tasso , and by ariosto . 't is using them too dully if we only make devils of his gods : as if , for example , i would raise a storm , and make use of eolus , with this only difference of calling him prince of the air. what invention of mine would there be in this ? or who would not see virgil thorough me , only the same trick play'd over again by a bungling juggler ? boileau has well observed , that it is an easie matter , in a christian poem , for god to bring the devil to reason . i think i have given a better hint for new machines in my preface to juvenal , where i have particularly recommended two subjects , one of king arthur's conquest of the saxons , and the other of the black prince in his conquest of spain . but the guardian angels of monarchies and kingdoms , are not to be touch'd by every hand . a man must be deeply conversant in the platonick philosophy to deal with them : and therefore i may reasonably expect that no poet of our age will pre-sume to handle those machines , for fear of discovering his own ignorance ; or if he should , he might perhaps be ingrateful enough not to own me for his benefactor . after i have confess'd thus much of our modern heroick poetry , i cannot but conclude with mr. rym — , that our english comedy is far beyond any thing of the ancients . and notwithstanding our irregularities , so is our tragedy . shakespear had a genius for it ; and we know , in spite of mr. r — that genius alone is a greater virtue ( if i may so call it ) than all other qualifications put together . you see what success this learned critick has found in the world , after his blaspheming shakespear . almost all the faults which he has discover'd are truly there ; yet who will read mr. rym — , or not read shakespear ? for my own part , i reverence mr. rym — 's learning , but i detest his ill nature and his arrogance . i indeed , and such as i , have reason to be afraid of him , but shakespear has not . there is another part of poetry in which the english stand almost upon an equal foot with the antients ; and 't is that which we call pindarique ; introduced , but not perfected by our famous mr. cowley : and of this , sir , you are certainly one of the greatest masters : you have the sublimity of sence as well as sound , and know how far the boldness of a poet may lawfully extend . i could wish you would cultivate this kind of ode ; and reduce it either to the same measure which pinder us'd , or give new measures of your own . for , as it is , it looks like a vast tract of land newly discover'd . the soil is wonderfully fruitful , but unmanur'd , overstock'd with inhabitants ; but almost all salvages , without laws , arts , arms , or policy . i remember poor nat. lee , who was then upon the verge of madness , yet made a sober , and a witty answer to a bad poet , who told him , it was an easie thing to write like a madman . no , said he , 't is very difficult to write like a madman ; but 't is a very easie matter to write like a fool. otway and he are safe by death from all attacks , but we poor poets militant ( to use mr. cowley's expression ) are at the mercy of wretched scribblers : and when they cannot fasten upon our verses , they fall upon our morals , our principles of state and religion . for my principles of religion , i will not justifie them to you : i know yours are far different . for the same reason i shall say nothing of my principles of state : i believe you in yours follow the dictates of your reason , as i in mine do those of my conscience . if i thought my self in an error i would retract it ; i am sure that i suffer for them ; and milton makes even the devil say , that no creature is in love with pain . for my morals , betwixt man and man , i am not to be my own judge ; i appeal to the world if i have deceiv'd or defrauded any man : and for my private conversation , they who see me every day can be the best witnesses , whether or no it be blameless and inoffensive . hitherto i have no reason to complain that men of either party shun my company . i have never been an impudent beggar at the doors of noble men : my visits have indeed been too rare to be unacceptable ; and but just enough to testifie my gratitude for their bounty ; which i have frequently received , but always unask'd , as themselves will witness . i have written more than i needed to you on this subject : for i dare say , you justifie me to your self . as for that which i first intended for the principal subject of this letter , which is my friend's passion , and his design of marriage , on better consideration i have chang'd my mind : for having had the honour to see my dear friend wycherley's letter to him on that occasion , i find nothing to be added or amended . but as well as i love mr. wycherley , i confess i love my self so well , that i will not shew how much i am inferiour to him in wit and judgment , by undertaking any thing after him . there is moses and the prophets in his counsel : jupiter and juno , as the poets tell us , made tiresias their umpire , in a certain merry despute , which fell out in heav'n betwixt them : tiresias you know had been of both sexes , and therefore was a proper judge ; our friend , mr. wycherley , is full as competent an arbitrator : he has been a batchelor , and marry'd man , and is now a widower . virgil says of ceneus , nunc vir nunc faemina ceneus , rursus & in veterem fato revoluta figuram . yet , i suppose , he will not give any large commendations to his middle state ; nor as the sailer said , will be fond , after a shipwrack , to put to sea again . if my friend will adventure after this , i can but wish him a good wind , as being his ; and , my dear mr. dennis , your most affectionate and most faithful servant , john dryden . written for my lady c — , to her cousin w — of the temple . by mr. dennis . after she had received from him a copy of verses on her beauty . cousin , i received yours with the verses inclos'd , and here return you my hearty thanks for the face , the shape , the meen , which you have so generously bestow'd upon me . from looking upon your verses i went to my glass : but , jesu ! the difference ! tho' i bought it to flatter me , yet compar'd to you , i found it a plain dealer : it show'd me immediately that i have been a great deal more beholding to you , than i have been to nature ; for she only form'd me not frightful ; but you have made me divine . but as you have been a great deal kinder than nature has been to me , i think my self obliged , in requital , to be a good deal more liberal than heav'n has been to you , and to allow you as large a stock of wit as you have giv'n me of beauty : since so honest a gentleman as your self , has stretcht his conscience to commend my person , i am bound in gratitude to do violence to my reason , to extol your verses . when i left the town , i desir'd you to furnish me with the news of the place , and the first thing i have receiv'd from you , is a copy of verses on my beauty ; by which you dexterously infer , that the most extraordinary piece of news you can send me , is to tell me , that i am handsom . by which ingenious inference , you had infallibly brought the scandal of a wit upon you , if your verses had not stood up in you justification . but tell me truly , cousin , could you think that i should prove so easie a creature as to believe all that you have said of me ? how could you find in your heart to make such a fool of me , and such a cheat of your self ; to intoxicate me with flattery , and draw me in to truck my little stock of wit and judgment , for a meer imagination of beauty ; when the real thing too , falls so infinitely short of what you would make me exchange for the very fancy of it ? for , cousin , there is this considerable difference between the merit of wit and beauty : that men are never violently influenc'd by beauty , unless it has weaken'd their reason ; and never seel half the force of wit , unless their judgments are sound . the principal time in which those of your sex admire beauty in ours , is between seventeen and thirty ; that is , after they are past their innocence , and before they are come to their judgment . and now , cousin , have not you been commend-ing a pretty quality in me , to admire which , as i have just shewn you , supposes not only a corrupted will , but a raw understanding : besides , how frail , how transitory is it ! nature deprives us of it at thirty , if diseases spare it till then : by which constant proceeding , she seems to imply , that she gives it us as a gugaw to please us in the childhood of our reasons ; and takes it from us , as a thing below us , when we come to years of discretion . thus , cousin , have you been commending a quality in me , which has nothing of true merit in it , and of which i have no greater a share , than to keep me from being scandalous . so that all i could have got by your kindness , if i had parted with my judgment , in order to reap the benefit of it , had been nothing but wretched conceit , and rediculous affectation . if i thought you had enough of the gallant man in you , to take what i say in good part , i would advise you to engage no further in poetry : be rul'd by a woman for once , and mind your cook upon littleton . rather pettifog than flatter : for if you are resolved to be a cheat , you will show at least some conscience , in resolving rather to chouse people of their money , than to bubble them of their understandings . besides , cousin , you have not a genius which will make a great poet , and be pleased to consider , that a small poet is a scandalous wight ; that indifferent verses are very bad ones ; and that an insipid panegytic upon another is a severe libal upon your self . besides , there will start up a satyr one day , and then woe be to cold rimers . old england is not yet so barren , but there will arise some generous spirit , who , besides a stock of wit and good sence , which are no very common qualities , will not only be furnished with a sound judgment , which is an extraordinary talent ; but with a true tast for eloquence and wit , which is scarce any-where to be found ; and which comprehends not only a just discernment , but a fine penetration , and a dilicate criticism . such a satyrist as this , cousin , must arise , and therefore you had best take care , by a judicious silence , that whenever he appears , he may be sure to divert you , and not afflict you . i am , &c. to mr — , at will 's coffee-house , in covent-garden . i received your panegyrick upon pun's , which i so approve of , that i am resolved to get it printed , and bouud up with erasmus his praise of folly. yet to confess a truth , i was something dissatisfied to see quibbling commended with so much wit : for nothing can be writ with more wit , than your letter to the reserve of the quibbles ; which i suppose you inserted amongst so many things which are so finely said , lest these should have render'd you too vain , or too much have mortify'd me : but pray , after this panegyrick upon quibbles , give me leave to ask you the same question that the lacedemonians ask'd the sophister , who harangu'd in the praise of hercules : by the way , did you ever expect to hear a quibble compar'd to hercules ? there 's a simile for you . i think , as novel says , that 's new. you , who are cry'd up for so great a wit , tell me , without envy , could you ever have thought upon that ? but to return to my question : here you have spent a great deal of time in the defence of quibbles . who said a word against them ? the devil a syllable did i mention of them in mine . it is true , i cited honest mr. sw — , but it is a hard case , if the quoting an author must be construed the condemning his works : i have a great respect and kindness for mr. sw — , as i have for all who have any excellence . and truly , i think that for the management of quibbles and dice , there is no man alive comes near him . and let me tell you , sir , for all your new emulation , he is a better quibbler than you . but it is high time to give over raillery : for if you were my father a thousand times , let me die if i would not rigorously examine that part of your letter which pretends to defend quibbling . you say that i am too nice , and that my aversion has something in it , that is very like affectation : but here you must give me leave to turn you own simile upon you : can a man be justly accus'd of niceness or affectation , because he appears offended at a stink ? when i tell you that quibbling is extreamly foolish ; you know it is foolish enough , you reply ; but it is a foolish thing that diverts . and do you think this knowledge of it will excuse the folly ? give me leave to resume the aforemention'd simile : suppose a fellow who beaks wind , should say to the company , while they are cajoling their offended noses with snuff , look you gentlemen , i know i am a brutal dog for this , this is very nasty , but begad it is very diverting : would the excuse , think you , be current ? a quibble diverts : right ; and so does a hobby-horse , which in my mind , for those who can be diverted without reason , is the better bawble of the two . a quibble diverts : jesu ! that this should be spoken at will 's ? can there be a more damnable satyr upon wit , than that so many gentlemen who have so very much of it , should be fore'd to play the fool to divert one another ? but , for god's sake , what do you mean when you say a quibble diverts you ? it makes you laugh , i warrant : why the greatest coxcomb about the town shall out-do you in laughing at any time . nature , who has dealt impartially with her children , and who has given them but two distinctions from beasts , reason and laughter , has , where she has bestow'd the more of the one , conferr'd the less of the other : and therefore a coxcomb will laugh at nothing . ay , that indeed , say you , is a sign of a fool. well , my dear friend , i have so much kindness for thee , that out of thy own mouth , thou shalt not be judged : for if a quibble is not wit , it is nothing . but it is at as great a distance from wit , as an idol is from the deity ; and i will no more believe nauseous equivocals to be wit , because some sots have admir'd them , than i will believe garlick to be god , because the aegyptians ador'd it : nay , it is a more damnable sign of stupidity in an english man , to make wit of a quibble , than it was in the aegyptians , to make a god of their garlick . but to return from whence i digressed ; i have never appear'd so much a stoick , but that i have been as much for diversion as any of you : but then am i for the diversion of reasonable men , and of gentlemen . if there be any diversion in quibbling , it is a diversion of which a fool and a porter is as capable as is the best of you . and therefore ben. johnson , who writ every thing with judgment , and who knew the scum of the people , whenever he brings in a porter or tankard-bearer , is sure to introduce him quibbling . but if punning be a diversion , it is a very strange one : there is as much difference between the silly satisfaction which we have from a quibble , and the ravishing pleasure which we receive from a beautiful thought , as there is betwixt a faint salute and fruition . but what would you have us do ? you cry . men of the greatest parts are no more to be found with wit always about them , than rich rogues with always the ready . why , look you , sir , as the first step to wisdom is to be freed from folly ; so the first approach to wit is a contempt of quibbling . if it happens at any time that you have not your wit about you , we will either have patience till such time as you have , or take good sence in the lieu of it : if you are not in a condition to delight us , we will be contented to be instructed ; we will make your instruction nourish our vanity , so turn even that to delight . nay , there is something noble in right reason , and consequently something delightful . truth is so divinely beautiful , that it must please eternally ; but falshood is base , and must shock all generous minds , and every equivocal is but ambiguous falshood , that is the pittiful'st , the basest of falshood . to walter moyle , esq dear sir , tho' you are already indebted a letter to me , yet i think fit to give you credit for another ; tho' perhaps you may little desire to run into debt this way : but it is for two reasons that i give you the trouble of this : for , in the first place , i am taking a turn for a little time into the country , and i design that the prevention of this should make some amends for the delay of my next . in the second place , i have made some provision of scandal , which i am willing to make use of , before it grow stale upon my hands . just after i writ my last , i threw my self into a detach'd party , which march'd from will 's to namure ; with the same design that the volunteers went to brest , to keep out of the fray , and be spectators of the action . however , before they were come to blows , i went amongst the tents , and had some discourse with major-general r — , whom i found to be father to mr. bays his parthenope . for the major-general is a very honest fellow , who sells ale by the town-wall : we had the satisfaction to see that the town was taken , and the whole siege was carried on as sieges generally are , with a great deal more noise than mischief . on monday last , which was the second of september , i travell'd into the city , where i had the satisfaction to see two very ridiculous sights . the first was a bawd carted for an action which had some relation to that memorable day : for she was convicted of being an accomplice in setting fire to an ancient and venerable pile of the city ; that is , she was found guilty of being instrumental in the clapping an alderman . i stood in a bookseller's shop to see her pass , which bookseller was packing up some scoundrel authors to send them away to the plantations . these authors are criminals , which being sentenc'd to be burut here , have at last found grace , and got off with transportation . you remember the terrible news that we heard at p — , which , as it sprung from a ridiculous occasion , that is , my lady mayoress's gossipping , has had a comical consequence . for the common council have made an order , by which my lady mayoress is dispens'd during the wars , from seeing those children born in the city , which are got in the suburbs ; that is , from being present at one of their wive's labours . but 't is time to return to the fair. last night i took a turn in the cloisters , where i was entertain'd with a great many dialogues between vizour and vallancy wig , upon which i leave you to be judge , whether my eyes or my ears were the better entertain'd of the two . for i heard a great deal of unintelligible language , address'd to a great many invisible faces . as if , because the women had resolv'd not to be seen , the men had determin'd not to be understood ; and had in revenge eclips'd the light of their understanding by fustian , as the others had obscur'd the lustre of their eyes by velvet . formerly the ladies made use of white and red to atract , but within these thirty years black has succeeded , and the devil is found more tempting in his proper colour . i have neither time nor place for any more : you shall have the rest by the first opportunity . yours , &c. to mr. congreve . dear sir , i have now read over the fox , in which , tho' i admire the strength of ben. johnson's judgment , yet i did not find it so accurate as i expected : for first the very thing upon which the whole plot turns , and that is , the discovery which mosca makes to bonario ; seems to me , to be very unreasonable . for i can see no reason why he should make that discovery which introduces bonorio into his master's house . for the reason which the poet makes mosca give in the ninth scene of the third act , appears to be a very absurd one . secondly , corbaccio , the father of bonario , is expos'd for his deafness , a personal defect ; which is contrary to the end of comedy-instruction : for personal defects cannot be amended ; and the exposing such , can never divert any but half-witted men. it cannot fail to bring a thinking man to reflect upon the misery of human nature ; and into what he may fall himself without any fault of his own . thirdly , the play has two characters , which have nothing to do with the design of it , which are to be look'd upon as excrescencies . lastly , the character of volpone is inconsistent with it self : volpone is like catiline , alieni appetens , sui profusus ; but that is only a double in his nature , and not an inconsistence . the inconsistence of the character appears in this , that volpone in the fifth act behaves himself like a giddy coxcomb , in the conduct of that very affair which he manag'd so craftily in the first four . in which the poet offends , first , against that fam'd rule which horace gives for the characters , servetur ad imum , qualis ab incepto processerit , & sibi constet . and , secondly , against nature , upon which all the rules are grounded : for so strange an alteration , in so little a time , is not in nature , unless it happens by the accident of some violent passion ; which is not the case here . volpone on the sudden behaves himself without common discretion , in the conduct of that very affair which he had manag'd with so much dexterity , for the space of three years together . for why does he disguise himself ? or , why does he repose the last confidence in mosca ? why does he cause it to be given out that he 's dead ? why , only to plague his bubbles . to plague them , for what ? why only for having been his bubbles . so that here is the greatest alteration in the world , in the space of twenty four hours , without any apparent cause . the design of volpone is to cheat , he has carried on a cheat for three years together , with cunning and with success : and yet he , on a sudden , in cold blood , does a thing which he cannot but know must endanger the ruining all . i am , dear sir , your most humble servant . to mr. congreve . dear sir , i will not augment the trouble which i give you by making an apology for not giving it you sooner . tho' i am heartily sorry that i kept such a trifle as the inclos'd , and a trifle writ extempore , long enough to make you expect a labour'd letter . but because in the inclos'd , i have spoken particularly of ben. johnson's fox , i desire to say three or four words of some of his plays more generally : the plots of the fox , the silent woman , the alchimist , are all of them very artful . but the intrigues of the fox , and the alchimist , seem to me to be more dexterously perplex'd , than to be happily disentangled . but the gordian knot in the silent woman is untyed with so much felicity , that that alone may suffice to shew ben. johnson no ordinary heroe . but then , perhaps , the silent woman may want the very foundation of a good comedy , which the other two cannot be said to want : for it seems to me , to be without a moral . upon which absurdity , ben. johnson was driven by the singularity of morose's character , which is too extravagant for instruction , and fit , in my opinion , only for farce . for this seems to me , to constit ute the most essential difference , betwixt farce and comedy , that the follies which are expos'd in farce are singular ; and those are particular , which are expos'd in comedy . these last are those , with which some part of an audiance may be suppos'd infected , and to which all may be suppos'd obnoxious . but the first are so very odd , that by reason of their monstrous extravagance , they cannot be thought to concern an audience ; and cannot be supposed to instruct them . for the rest of the characters in these plays , they are for the most part true , and most of the humorous characters master-pieces . for ben. johnson's fools , seem to shew his wit a great deal more than his men of sence : i admire his fops , and but barely esteem his gentlemen . ben. seems to draw deformity more to the life than beauty : he is often so eager to pursue folly , that he forgets to take wit along with him . for the dialogue , it seems to want very often that spirit , that grace , and that noble railery , which are to be found in more modern plays , and which are virtues that ought to be inseparable from a finish'd comedy . but there seems to be one thing more wanting than all the rest , and that is passion , i mean that fine and that delicate passion , by which the soul shews its politeness , ev'n in the midst of its trouble . now to touch a passion is the surest way to delight ; for nothing agitates like it : agitation is the health and joy of the soul , of which it is so entirely fond , that even then , when we imagine we seek repose , we only seek agitation . you know what a famous modern critick has said of comedy : il faut que ses acteurs badinent noblement , que son noeud bien forme se denoue aisement ; que l'action marchant ou la raison la guide , ne se perde jamma dans une scens vuide , que son stile humble & doux se releue a propos , que ses discours par tout fertiles enbons mots , soient pleius de passions finement maniees , et les scenes toujours l'une al'autre liee . i leave you to make the application to johnson — whatever i have said my self of his comedies , i submit to your better judgment . for you , who , after mr. wycherley , are incomparably the best writer of it living , ought to be allowed to be the best judge too . i am yours , &c. mr. congreve , to mr. dennis . concerning humour in comedy . dear sir , you write to me , that you have entertained your self two or three days , with reading several comedies , of several authors ; and your observation is , that there is more of humour in our english writers , than in any of the other comick poets , ancient or modern . you desire to know my opinion , and at the same time my thought , of that which is generally call'd humour in comedy . i agree with you , in an impartial preference of our english writers , in that particular . but if i tell you my thoughts of humour , i must at the same time confess , that what i take for true humour , has not been so often written even by them , as is generally believed : and some who have valued themselves , and have been esteem'd by others , for that kind of writing , have seldom touch'd upon it . to make this appear to the world , would require a long and labour'd discourse , and such as i neither am able nor willing to undertake . but such little remarks , as may be contain'd within the compass of a letter , and such unpremeditated thoughts , as may be communicated between friend and friend , without incurring the censure of the world , or setting up for a dictator , you shall have from me , since you have enjoyn'd it . to define humour , perhaps , where as difficult , as to define wit ; for like that , it is of infinite variety . to enumerate the several humours of men , were a work as endless , as to sum up their several opinions . and in my mind , the quot homines tot sententia , might have been more properly interpreted of humour ; since there are many men , of the same opinion in many things , who are yet quite different in humours . but tho' we cannot certainly tell what wit is , or what humour is , yet we may go near to shew something , which is not wit or not humour ; and yet often mistaken for both . and since i have mentioned wit and humour together , let me make the first distinction between them , and observe to you , that wit is often mistaken for humour . i have observed , that when a few things have been wittily and pleasantly spoken by any character in a comedy , it has been very usual for those , who make their remarks on a play , while it is acting , to say , such a thing is very humorously spoken ; there is a great deal of humour in that part. thus the character of the person speaking , may be , surprisingly and pleasantly , is mistaken for a character of humour ; which indeed is a character of wit : but there is a great difference between a comedy , wherein there are many things humorously , as they call it , which is pleasantly spoken ; and one , where there are several characters of humour , distinguish'd by the particular and different humours , appropriated to the several persons represented , and which naturally arise from the different constitutions , complexions , and dispositions of men. the saying of humorous things , does not distinguish characters ; for every person in a comedy may be allow'd to speak them . from a witty man they are expected ; and even a fool may be permitted to stumble on 'em by chance . tho' i make a difference betwixt wit and humour ; yet i do not think that humorous characters exclude wit : no , but the manner of wit should be adapted to the humour . as for instance , a character of a splenetick and peevish humour , should have a satyrical wit ; a jolly and sanguine humour , should have a facetious wit : the former should speak positively ; the latter , carelesly : for the former observes , and shews things as they are ; the latter rather overlooks nature , and speaks things as he would have them ; and his wit and humour have both of them a less alloy of judgment than the others . as wit , so , its opposite , folly , is sometimes mistaken for humour . when a poet brings a character on the stage , committing a thousand absurdities , and talking impertinencies , roaring aloud , and laughing immoderately , on every , or rather upon no occasion ; this is a character of humour . is any thing more common , than to have a pretended comedy , stuff'd with such grotesque figures , and farce-fools ? things , that either are not in nature , or if they are , are monsters , and births of mischance ; and consequently as such , should be stifled , and huddled out of the way , like sooterkins , that mankind may not be shock'd with an appearing possibility of the degeneration of a god-like species . for my part , i am as willing to laugh , as any body , and as easily diverted with an object truly ridiculous : but at the same time , i can never care for seeing things , that force me to entertain low thoughts of my nature . i don't know how it is with others , but i confess freely to you , i could never look long upon a monkey , without very mortifying reflections ; tho' i never heard any thing to the contrary , why that creature is not originally of a distinct species . as i don't think humour exclusive of wit , neither do i think it inconsistent with folly ; but i think the follies should be only such , as mens humours may incline 'em to ; and not follies intirely abstracted from both humour and nature . sometimes personal defects are misrepresented for humours . i mean , sometimes characters are barbarously exposed on the stage , ridiculing natural deformities , casual defects in the senses , and infirmities of age. sure the poet must both be very ill-natur'd himself , and think his audience so , when he proposes by shewing a man deform'd , or deaf , or blind , to give them an agreeable entertainment ; and hopes to raise their mirth , by what is truly an agreeable of compassion . but much need not to be laid upon this head to any body , especially to you , who in one of your letters to me concerning mr. johnson's fox , have justly excepted against this immoral part of ridicule in corbaccio's character ; and there i must agree with you to blame him , whom otherwise i cannot enough admire , for his great mastery of true humour in comedy . external habit of body is often mistaken for humour . by external habit , i do not mean the ridiculous dress or cloathing of a character , tho' that goes a good way in some received characters ; ( but undoubtedly a man's humour may incline him to dress differently from other people ) but i mean a singularity of manners , speech , and behaviour , peculiar to all , or most of the same country , trade , profession or education . i cannot think that a humour , which is only a habit , or disposition contracted by use or custom ; for by a disuse , or compliance with other customs , it may be worn off , or diversifi'd . affectation is generally mistaken for humour . these are indeed so much alike , that , at a distance , they may be mistaken one for the other : for what is humour in one , may be affectation in another ; and nothing is more common , than for some to affect particular ways of saying , and doing things , peculiar to others , whom they admire and would imitate . humour is the life , affectation the picture . he that draws a character of affectation , shews humour at the second-hand ; he at best but publishes a translation , and his pictures are but copies . but as these two last distinctions are the nicest , so it may be most proper to explain them , by particular instances from some author of reputation . humour i take either to be born with us , and so of a natural growth ; or else to be grafted into us by some accidental change in the constitution , or revolution of the internal habit of body ; by which it becomes , if i may so call it , naturaliz'd . humour is from nature , habit from custom ; and affectation from industry . humour shews us as we are . habit shews us , as we appear , under a forcible impression . affectation shews what we would be , under a voluntary disguise . tho' here i would observe by the way , that a continued affectation , may in time become a habit. the character of morose in the silent woman , i take to be a character of humour . and i choose to instance this character to you , from many others of the same author , because i know it has been condemn'd by many as unnatural and farce : and you have your self hinted some dislike of it , for the same reason , in a letter to me , concerning some of johnson's plays . let us suppose morose to be a man naturally splenetick and melancholy ; is there any thing more offensive to one of such a disposition , than noise and clamour ? let any man that has the spleen ( and there are enough in england ) be judge . we see common examples of this humour in little every day . 't is ten to one , but three parts in four of the company that you dine with , are discompos'd and startled at the cutting of a cork , or scratching a plate with a knife : it is a proportion of the same humour , that makes such or any other noise offensive to the person that hears it ; for there are others who will not be disturb'd at all by it . well ; but morose , you will say , is so extravagant , he cannot bear any discourse or conversation , above a whisper . why , it is his excess of this humour , that makes him become rediculous , and qualifies his character for comedy . if the poet had given him but a moderate proportion of that humour , 't is odds but half the audience , would have sided with the character , and have condemn'd the author , for exposing a humour which was neither remarkable nor rediculous . besides , the distance of the stage requires the figure represented , to be something larger than the life ; and sure a picture may have features larger in proportion , and yet be very like the original . if this exactness of quantity , were to be observed in wit , as some would have it in humour ; what would become of those characters that are design'd for men of wit ? i believe if a poet should steal a dialogue of any length , from the extempore discourse of the two wittiest men upon earth , he would find the scene but coldly receiv'd by the town . but to the purpose : the character of sir john daw in the same play , is a character of affectation : he every-where discovers an affectation of learning ; when he is not only conscious to himself , but the audience also plainly perceives that he is ignorant . of this kind are the characters of thraso in the eunuch of terence , and pyrgopolinices in the miles gloriosus of plautus : they affect to be thought valiant , when both themselves and the audience know they are not . now such a boasting of valour in men who were really valiant , would undoubtedly be a humour ; for a fiery disposition might naturally throw a man into the same extravagance , which is only affected in the characters i have mentioned . the character of cob in every man in his humour , and most of the under characters in bartholomew-fair , discover'd only a singularity of manners , appropriated to the several educations and professions of the persons represented . they are not humours but habits contracted by custom . under this head may be ranged all country clowns , sailers , tradesmen , jockeys , gamesters and such like , who make use of cants or peculiar dialects in their several arts and vocations . one may almost give a receipt for the composition of such a character : for the poet has nothing to do , but to collect a few proper phrases and terms of art , and to make the person apply them by rediculous metaphors in his conversation , with characters of different natures . some late characters of this kind have been very successful ; but in my mind they may be painted without much art or labour ; since they require little more , than a good memory and superficial observation . but true humour cannot be shown without a dissection of nature , and a narrow search to discover the first seeds from whence it has its root and growth . if i were to write to the world , i should be obliged to dwell longer upon each of these distinctions and examples ; for i know that they would not be plain enough to all readers : but a bare hint is sufficient to inform you of the notions which i have on this subject : and i hope by this time you are of my opinion , that humour is neither wit , nor folly , nor personal defect , nor affectation , nor habit ; and yet , that each , and all of these , have been both written and received for humour . i should be unwilling to venture even on a bare description of humour , much more to make a definition of it ; but now my hand is in , i 'll tell you what serves me instead of either : i take it to be , a singular and unavoidable manner of doing , or saying any thing , peculiar and natural to one man only ; by which his speech and actions are destinguish'd from those of other men. our humour has relation to us , and to what proceeds from us , as the accidents have to a substance ; it is a colour , taste , and smell , diffused thro' all ; tho' our actions are never so many , and different in form , they are all splinters of the same wood , and have naturally one complexion ; which tho' it may be disguised by art , yet cannot be wholly changed : we may paint it with other colours , but we cannot change the grain . so the natural sound of an instument will be distinguish'd , tho' the notes expressed by it , are never so various , and the diversions never so many . dissimulation , may by degrees , become more easie to our practice ; but it can never absolutely transubstantiate us into what we would seem : it will always be in some proportion a violence upon nature . a man may change his opinion , but i believe he will find it a difficulty to part with his humour ; and there is nothing more provoking , than the being made sensible of that difficulty . sometimes , one shall meet with those , who perhaps , innocently enough , but at the same time impertiently , will ask the question , why are you not merry ? why are you not gay , pleasant , and cheerful ? then instead of answering , could i ask such one , why are you not handsome ? why have you not black eyes , and a better complexion ? nature abhors to be forc'd . the two famous philosophers of ephesus and abdera , have their different sects at this day : some weep , and others laugh at one and the same thing . i don't doubt , but you have observed several men laugh when they are angry ; others who are silent ; some that are loud : yet i cannot suppose that it is the passion of anger which is in it self different , or more or less in one than t'other ; but that it is the humour of the man that is predominant , and urges him to express it in that manner . demonstrations of pleasure are as various ; one man has a humour of retiring from all company , when any thing has happen'd to please him beyond expectation ; he hugs himself alone , and thinks it an addition to the pleasure to keep it secret . another is upon thorns till he has made proclamation of it ; and must make other people sensible of his happiness , before he can be so himself . so it is in grief , and other passions . demonstrations of love , and the effects of that passion upon several humours , are infinitely different : but here the ladies , who abound in servants , are the best judges . talking of the ladies , methinks something should be observed of the humour of the fair sex ; since they are sometimes so kind as to furnish out a character for comedy . but i must confess i have never made any observation of what i apprehend to be true humour in women . parhaps passions are too powerful in that sex , to let humour have its course ; or may be by reason of their natural coldness , humour cannot exert itself to that extravagant degree , which it often does in the male-sex : for if ever any thing does appear comical or ridiculous in a woman , i think it is little more than an acquir'd folly , or an affectation . we may call them the weaker sex , but i think the true reason is , because our follies are stronger , and our faults are more prevailing . one might think that the diversity of humour , which must be allowed to be diffused throughout mankind , might afford endless matter , for the support of comedies . but when we come closely to consider that point , and nicely to distinguish the difference of humours , i believe we shall find the contrary . for tho' we allow every man something of his own , and a peculiar humour ; yet every man has it not in quantity , to become remarkable by it : or , if many do become remarkable by their humours ; yet all those humours may not be diverting . nor is it only requisite to distinguish what humour will be diverting , but also how much of it , what part of it to shew in light , and what to cast in shades ; how to set it off by preparatory scenes , and by opposing other humours to it in the same scene . thro' a wrong judgment , sometimes , mens humours may be opposed when there is really no specific difference between them ; only a greater proportion of the same , in one than t'other ; occasion'd by having more flegm , or choller , or whatever the constitution is , from whence their humours derive their source . there is infinitely more to be said on this subject ; tho' perhaps i have already said too much ; but i have said it to a friend , who i am sure will not expose it , if he does not approve of it . i believe the subject is intirely new , and was never touch'd upon before ; and if i would have any one to see this private essay , it should be some one , who might be provoked by my errors in it , to publish a more judicious treatise on the subject . indeed i wish it were done , that the world being a little acquainted with the scarcity of true humour , and the difficulty of finding and shewing it , might look a little more favourably on the labours of them , who endeavour to search into nature for it , and lay it open to the publick view . i don't say but that very entertaining and useful characters , and proper for comedy , may be drawn from affectations , and those other qualities , which i have endeavoured to distinguish from humour : but i would not have such imposed on the world for humour , nor esteem'd of equal value with it . it were , perhaps , the work of a long life to make one comedy true in all its parts , and to give every character in it a true and distinct humour . therefore , every poet must be beholding to other helps , to make out his number of ridiculous characters . but i think such a one deserves to be broke , who makes all false musters ; who does not shew one true humour in a comedy , but entertains his audience to the end of the play with every thing out of nature . i will make but one observation to you more , and have done ; and that is grounded upon an observation of your own , and which i mention'd at the beginning of my letter , viz. that there is more of humour in our english comick writers than in any others . i do not at all wonder at it , for i look upon humour to be almost of english growth ; at least , it does not seem to have found such encrease on any other soil : and what appears to me to be the reason of it , is the great freedom , priviledge , and liberty which the common people of england enjoy . any man that has a humour , is under no restraint , or fear of giving it vent ; they have a proverb among them , which , may be , will shew the bent and genius of the people , as well as a longer discourse : he that will have a may-pole , shall have a may-pole . this is a maxim with them , and their practice is agreeable to it . i believe something considerable too may be ascribed to their feeding so much on flesh , and the grossness of their diet in general . but i have done , let the physicians agree that . thus you have my thoughts of humour , to my power of expressing them in so little time and compass . you will be kind to shew me wherein i have err'd ; and as you are very capable of giving me instruction , so i think i have a very just title to demand it from you ; being , without reserve , your real friend , and humble servant , w. congreve . to mr. congreve , at tunbridge . dear sir , mr. moyle and i have impatiently expected to hear from you . but if the well which you drink of had sprung up from lethe , you could not have been more forgetful of us . indeed , as the tunbridge-water is good for the spleen , it may be said in some manner to cause oblivion . but i will yet a while hope that mr. moyle and i are not of the number of things that plague you : however , i am so sensible of your being mindful of me in town , that i should be ungrateful , if i should complain that you do not remember me where you are . mr. moyle tells me that you have made a favourable mention of me , to a certain lady of your acquaintance , whom he calls — but then to mortifie the old man in me , or indeed rather the young , he assur'd me , that you had given a much better character of him . however , for that which you gave of me , i cannot but own my self obliged to you , and i look upon your kindness as so much the greater , because i am sensible that i do not deserve it . and i could almost wish that your good qualities , were not quite so numerous , that i might be able to make you some return in specie : for commending you now , i do you but justice , which a man of honour will do to his enemy ; whereas you , by partial praise , have treated me like a friend . i make no doubt , but that you do me the justice to believe that i am perfectly yours ; and that your merit has engag'd me , and your favours oblig'd me to be all my life-time , dear sir , your most humble servant , j. dennis . mr. congreve to mr. dennis . dear sir , it is not more to keep my word , than to gratifie my inclination , that i write to you ; and tho' i have thus long deferr'd it , i was never forgetful of you , nor of my promise . indeed i waited in expectation of something that might enable me to return the entertainment i received from your letters : but you represent the town so agreeable to me , that you quite put me out of conceit with the country ; and my designs of making observations from it . before i came to tunbridge , i proposed to my self the satisfaction of communicating the pleasures of the place to you : but if i keep my resolution , i must transcribe , and return you your own letters ; since i must own i have met with nothing else so truly delightful . when you suppose the country agreeable to me , you suppose such reasons why it should be so , that while i read your letter , i am of your mind ; but when i look off , i find i am only charm'd with the landskip which you have drawn . so that if i would see a fine prospect of the country , i must desire you to send it me from the town ; as if i would eat good fruit here , perhaps the best way were , to beg a basket from my friends in covent-garden . after all this , i must tell you there is a great deal of company at tunbridge ; and some very agreeable : but the greater part , is of that sort , who at home converse only with their own relations ; and consequently when they come abroad , have few acquaintance , but such as they bring with them . but were the company better , or worse , i would have you expect no characters from me ; for i profess my self an enemy to detraction ; and who is there , that can justly merit commendation ? i have a mind to write to you , without the pretence of any manner of news , as i might drink to you without naming a health ; for i intend only my service to you . i wish for you very often , that i might recommend you to some new acquaintance that i have made here , and think very well worth the keeping ; i mean idleness and a good stomach . you would not think how people eat here ; every body has the appetite of an oastrich , and as they drink steel in the morning , so i believe at noon they could digest iron . but sure you will laugh at me for calling idleness a new acquaintance ; when , to your knowledge , the greatest part of my business , is little better . ay , but here 's the comfort of the change ; i am idle now , without taking pains to be so , or to make other people so ; for poetry is neither in my head , nor in my heart . i know not whether these waters may have any communication with lethe , but sure i am , they have none with the streams of helicon . i have often wonder'd how those wicked writers of lampoons , could crowd together such quantities of execrable verses , tag'd with bad rhimes , as i have formerly seen sent from this place . but i am half of opinion now , that this well is an anti-hypocrene : what if we should get a quantity of the water privately convey'd into the cistern at will 's coffee-house , for an experiment ? but i am extravagant — tho' i remember ben. johnson in his comedy of cynthia's revels , makes a well , which he there calls the fountain of self-love , to be the source of many entertaining and ridiculous humours . i am of opinion that something very comical and new , might be brought upon the stage , from a fiction of the like nature . but now i talk of the stage , pray if any thing new should appear there , let me have an account of it ; for tho' plays are a kind of winter-fruit , yet i know there are now and then some wind-falls at this time of year , which must be presently served up , lest they should not keep till the proper season of entertainment . 't is now the time , when the sun breeds insects ; and you must expect to have the hum and buz about your ears , of summer-flies and small poets . cuckows have this time allow'd 'em to sing , tho' they are damn'd to silence all the rest of the year . besides , the approaching feast of st. bartholomew both creates an expectation and bespeaks an allowance of unnatural productions and monstrous births : methinks the days of bartholomew-fair are like so many sabbaths , or days of privilege , wherein criminals and malefactors in poetry , are permitted to creep abroad . they put me in mind ( tho' at a different time of year ) of the roman saturnalia , when all the scum , and rabble , and slaves of rome , by a kind of annual and limited manumission , were suffer'd to make abominable mirth , and profane the days of jubilee , with vile buffoonry , by authority . but i forget that i am writing a post-letter , and run into length like a poet in a dedication , when he forgets his patron to talk of himself . but i will take care to make no apology for it , lest my excuse ( as excuses generally do ) should add to the fault . besides , i would have no appearance of formality , when i am to tell you , that i am , your real friend , and humble servant , w. congreve . letters of love . written by — dear madam , not believe that i love you : you cannot pretend to be so incredulous . if you do not believe my tongue , consult my eyes , consult your own . you will find by yours , that they have charms ; by mine , that i have a heart which feels them . recal to mind what happen'd last night : that at least was a lover's kiss . it s eagerness , its fierceness , its warmth , express'd the god its parent . but oh ! its sweetness , and its melting softness express'd him more . with trembling in my limbs , and fevers in my soul i ravish'd it : convulsions , pantings , murmurings shew'd the mighty disorder within me : the mighty disorder encreased by it . for those dear lips shot thro' my heart , and thro' my bleeding vitals , delicious poison , and an avoidless , but yet a charming ruine . what cannot a day produce ? the night before , i thought my self a happy man. in want of nothing , and in fairest expectation of fortune ; approv'd of by men of wit , and applauded by others ; pleased , nay charm'd with my friends , my then dearest friends ; sensible of ev'ry delicate pleasure , and in their turns possessing all . but love , almighty love ! seems in a moment to have remov'd me to a prodigious distance from every object but you alone : in the midst of crowds i remain in solitude . nothing but you can lay hold of my mind , and that can lay hold of nothing but you . i appear transported to some foreign desart with you , ( oh that i were really thus transported ! ) where , abundantly supplied with ev'ry thing in thee , i might live out an age of uninterrupted extacy . the scene of the world 's great stage , seems suddenly and sadly chang'd . unlovely objects are all around me , excepting thee : the charms of all the world appear to be translated to thee . thus in this sad , but oh , too pleasing state ! my soul can fix upon nothing but thee : thee it contemplates , admires , adores , nay , depends on ; trusts in you alone . if you and hope forsake it , despair and endless misery attend it . dear madam , this i send by the permission of a severe father , i will not say a cruel one , since he is yours . what is it that he has taken so mortally ill of me ? that i die for his daughter is my only offence . and yet he has refused to let me take ev'n my farewel of you . thrice happy be the omen ! may i never take my farewel of thee , till my soul takes leave of my body . at least , he cannot restrain me from loving : no , i will love thee in spight of all opposition . tho' your friends and mine prove equally averse , yet i will love thee with a constancy that shall appear to all the world , to have something so noble in it , that all the world shall confess , that it deserv'd not to be unfortunate . i will for sake even my friends for thee : my honest , my witty , my brave friends ; who had always been till i had seen thee , the dearest part of mankind to me . thou shalt supply the place of them all with me . thou shalt be my bosom , my best-lov'd friend ; and at the same time , my only mistress , and my dearest wife . have the goodness to pardon this familiarity . 't is the tenderest leave of the faithfulest lover ; and here to shew an over-respectfulness would be to wrong my passion . that i love thee more than life , nay , even than glory , which i courted once with a burning desire , bear witness all my unquiet days , and every restless night , and that terrible agitation of mind and body , which proceeded from my fear of losing thee . to lose thee is to lose all happiness ; tormenting reflection to a sensible soul ! how often has my reason been going upon it ? but the loss of reason would be but too happy upon the loss of thee : since all the advantage that i could draw from its presence , would be to know my self miserable . but the time calls upon me : i am oblig'd to take an odious journey , and leave thee behind with my enemies . but thine shall never do thee harm with me . adieu , thou dearest , thou loveliest of creatures ! no change of time or place , or the remonstrances of the best of friends , shall ever be able to alter my passion for thee . be but one quarter so kind , so just to me , and the sun will not shine on a happier man than my self . dear madam , may i presume to beg pardon for the fault i committed ? so foolish a fault , that it was below not only a man of sence , but a man ; and of which nothing could ever have made me guilty , but the fury of a passion with which none but your lovely self could inspire me . may i presume to beg pardon for a fault which i can never forgive my self ? to purchase that pardon , what would i not endure ? you shall see me prostrate before you , and use me like a slave , while i kiss the dear feet that trample upon me . but if my crime be too great for forgiveness , as indeed it is very great , deny me not one dear parting look ; let me see you once before i must never see you more . christ ! i want patience to support that accursed thought . i have nothing in the world that is dear to me , but you . you have made every thing else indifferent : and can i resolve never to see you more ? in spight of my self i must always see you . your form is fix'd by fate in my mind , and is never to be remov'd . i see those lovely piercing eyes continually , i see each moment those ravishing lips , which i have gaz'd on still with desire , and still have touch'd with transport ; and at which i have so often flown with all the fury of the most violent love. jesus ! from whence , and whither am i fallen ? from the hopes of blissful extasies to black despair ! from the expectation of immortal transports , which none but your dear self can give me , and which none but he who loves like me , could ever so much as think of , to a complication of cruel passions , and the most dreadful condition of human life . my fault , indeed , has been very great , and cries aloud for the severest vengeance . see it inflicted on me : see me despair and die for that fault . but let me not die unpardon'd , madam ; i die for you , but die in the most cruel and dreadful manner . the wretch that lies broken on the wheel alive , feels not a quarter of what i endure . yet boundless love has been all my crime ; unjust , ungrateful , barbarous . return of it ! suffer me to take my eternal leave of you ; when i have done that , how easie will it be to bid all the rest of the world adieu . dear madam , this is the third letter that i have sent you since i came hither : those which went before it were all the overflowings of a heart more full of passion than ever was man's before . it is impossible for me to be distant from you , but i must send to you by every occasion . and yet you can resolve to take no notice of all my tenderness : yes , my dearest , inhumane creature , you can . you have been sick , nay dangerously sick , and have never sent to me . have i left all the world for you , and could you resolve to leave the world without me ; nay , without so much as giving me the least notice of it ? christ ! could you resolve to leave me to despair and to endless misery , without expressing the least concern for me ! and can i persist in loving one so ingrateful ! is there such another ingrateful creature alive ! no , there lives not so ingrateful a creature , but there lives not one so charming . dear madam , can you be angry still with your poor penitent ? you cannot have the ill nature , sure ? yes , but you can , you say since he could have the presumption to be angry with you . but , my dearest , there is this difference betwixt your anger and mine ; mine was cau'd by the cruelty of your suppos'd infidelity ; and yours by the kindness of your lover's resentment : for if i had not been fond of thee to the last degree , i had not been so incens'd against you . yet even when i was most so , i could sooner have pluck'd out an eye , than have resolved to have parted with thee : nay , i could sooner have torn out both eyes , if the loss of both would not have for ever depriv'd me of the dear , the ravishing sight of thee . but if you still think that my anger had guilt in it , and that i ought to suffer for it , the means to punish me with utmost severity , and to make me my own tormenter , is to tell me , you love me : then i shall curse my self and my rage , and feel all the plague of remorse for having offended thee : i shall look upon my self as the basest , the most ungrateful of men for abusing thy goodness , and thy charming tenderness . i shall believe that i can never humble my self enough , and never suffer enough to deserve forgiveness . thus , madam , you have your revenge in your power . it is a false modesty which restrains you from taking it : in order to it , you have nothing to do , but to prove your self tender , and to shew your self grateful . if you must be asham'd , blush at your cruelty ; blush at your inhumanity : but gratitude is reason , and love is nature ; never be asham'd of those . do but consider , there was a time , when i was happy in your esteem ; yes , there has been a time , in which i was thought not altogether void of reason by you : how then can you blush at the owning a passiion , which you command with an absolute sway , at the very time that it tyrannizes over me ? dear madam , my friend's stratagem gave me an opportunity of seeing you , by finding fault with you . it must proceed from design or madness if i find fault with thee : thy lovely face is the very same that set all my blood in a flame ; and i am sure my heart can never be alter'd . how it trembled in my breast when i saw you last , and by its trouble confess'd its conqueror ! how it has burnt ever since with redoubled fury ! when i shall be free from this flame , heav'n only knows , for the hour of my death heaven only knows : 't is a flame that has incorporated with that of my life , and both will go out together . in vain i invoke my reason to resist my senses : my reason finds you more lovely than my eyes did before ; shews me all the graces of thy beauteous mind , and grows pleas'd and prides itself in its own captivity . you accuse me , they say , of some extraordinary crime : a crime against whom ? against you whom i love ! against you , for whom i could die ! strange accusation ! yet at the same time you refuse to see me , you refuse to receive my letters : and must i be condemn'd unheard ? robbers are allow'd to speak before they are sentenc'd ; murderers have the privilege to plead for their lives : and shall the tenderest love be denied the privilege which is granted to the blackest malice ? i have been guilty of nothing but too much love , if too much love be a fault . why have you given credit to my enemies , before you have heard me ? i may indeed be convinc'd of an error , but i can never be convicted of a crime against you . the man must be mad , nay , desperately mad , who can design to injure himself ; and thou art , by much , the better , the dearer part of me . give me leave to see you once more before i depart : let me see once more that face which has undone me , yet charms me even in ruine : o face industriously contriv'd by heaven , to fix my eyes and captivate my soul ! nay , i will see you , if it be but to upbraid you with your barbarous wish : if at the time that you made it , you had struck a dagger in my heart , you had given it a gentler wound . the only wish that i have to make , is to be happy in thee ; if that succeeds not , i have another , and that is , to lie at rest in my grave . the end of the love-letters . to walter moyle , esq at bake , in cornwall . dear sir , your long silence made me conjecture , that you are so intent upon being burgess of bodmyn , that you had forgot the citizens of covent-garden : at last i received an agreeable letter from you . you had best have a care of talking in cornwal , at the rate that you write to your friends . if you do , the cornish men may not think you rightly qualified to represent them . when you left the town , you talk'd of a critical correspondence between us : but idleness on your side , and ill humour on mine , have baulked a very hopeful design . but an accident has lately happened , which obliges me to provoke you : for there has just been a play acted , called , the mock-marriage , the author of which , whose name i have forgot , asserts , dogmatically , in his preface , that he who writes by rule shall only have his labour for his pains . i know not what this author can mean by this : for , whom does he pretend to perswade by this fine assertion ? not mr. moyle , and me at least . we know indeed very well , that a man may write regularly , and yet fail of pleasing ; and that a poet may please in a play that is not regular . but this is eternally true , that he who writes regularly ceteris paribus , must always please more , than he who transgresses the rules . nothing can please in a play but nature ; no , not in a play which is written against the rules : and the more there is of nature in any play , the more that play must delight . now the rules are nothing but an observation of nature : for nature is rule and order itself . there is not one of the rules , but what might be us'd to evince this . but i shall be contented with shewing some instances of it , even in the mechanical rules of the unities : and first for that of place ; it is certain that it is in nature impossible , for a man who is in the square in covent-garden , to see the things , that at the same time , are transacted at westminster . and then for that of time , a reasonable man may delude himself so far , as to fancy that he sits for the space of twelve hours , without removing , eating or sleeping ; but he must be a devil that can fancy he does it for a week . what i have said may evince a necessity of observing the unities of time and of place , if a poet would throughly write up to nature . and then the unity of action follows on course : for , that two actions that are entire , and independent , should happen in the same short space of time , in the same little compass of place , begin together , go on together , and end together , without obstructing or confounding one another ; this indeed may be done upon the stage , but in nature it is highly improbable . well then , since the rules are nothing but nature it self , and nothing but nature can please , and since the more that any play has of nature , the more that play must delight , it follows that a play which is regularly written , ceteris paribus , must please more than a play which is written against the rules , which is a demonstration . rule may be said to be a play ; what symmetry of parts is known to be to a face ? the features may be regular , and yet a great or a delicate air may be wanting : and there may be a commanding or engaging air , in a face whose features are not regular . but this all the world must allow of , that there can never be seen any soveraign beauty , where air and regularity of features are not united . thus is rea-son against this author ; but the mischief is , that experience is against him too : for all your dramatick poets must confess , that the plays which they have writ with most regularity , have been they which have pleased most . i must trouble you with another dramatical criticism , but not till the next opportunity . i am yours , &c. mr. — to mr. congreve . dear sir , i came home from the land's end yesterday , where i found three letters from mr. dennis , and one from you , with a humerous description of john abassus , since the dubbing of don quixote , and the coronation of petrarch in the capitol , there has not been so great a solemnity as the consecration of john abassus . in all the pagan ritual , i never met with the form of poetical orders ; but i believe the ceremony of consecrating a man to apollo , is the same with devoting a man to the dii manes , for both are martyrs to fame . i believe not a man of the grave club durst assist at this ridiculous scene , for fear of laughing out-right . w. was in his kingdom , and for my part i would have rather sat there than in the house of commons . would to god i could laugh with you for one hour or two at all the ridiculous things that have happen'd at will 's coffee-house since i left it , 't is the merriest place in the world : like africa , every day it produces a monster ; and they are got there just as pliny says they are in africa , beasts of different kinds come to drink , mingle with one another and beget monsters . present my humble duty to my new lord , and tell him , that i am preparing an address to congratulate his accession to the throne of the rabble . tell the lady , who was the author of the hue and cry after me , she might have sent out a hundred hues and cries before she would have found a poet. i took an effectual course not to be apprehended for a poet , for i went down clad like a soldier , with a new suit of cloaths on , and , i think there could not have been a better disguise for a poet , unless i had stol'n dr. b — 's coat . mr. dennis sent me down p — m — 's parodie . i can say very little of the poem ; but as for the dialogue , i think 't was the first time that m — suffered any body to talk with him , though indeed here he interrupts mr. boileau in the midst of the first word . my humble service to mr. wycherley . i desire you would write me some news of the stage , and what progress you have made in your tragedy . i am your affectionate friend and servant . mr. congreve to mr. — dear sir , i can't but think that a letter from me in london , to you in c — , is like some ancient correspondence between an inhabitant of rome and a cimmerian : may be my way of writing may not be so modestly compared with roman epistles ; but the resemblance of the place will justifie the other part of the parallel : the subterraneous habitations of the miners , and the proximity of the bajae help a little ; and while you are at b — let b — be cumae , and do you supply the place of sybilla . you may look on this as railery , but i can assure you , nothing less than oracles are expected from you , in the next parliament , if you succeed in your election , as we are pretty well assured you will. you wish your self with us at will 's coffee-house ; all here wish for you , from the president of the grave club , to the most puny member of the rabble ; they who can think , think of you , and the rest talk of you . there is no such monster in this africa , that is not sensible of your absence ; even the worst natured people , and those of least wit lament it ; i mean , half criticks and quiblers . to tell you all that want you , i should name all the creatures of covent-garden , which like those of eden-garden would want some adam to be a godfather and give them names . i can't tell whether i may justly compare our covent-garden , to that of eden , or no ; for tho' i believe we may have variety of strange animals equal to paradise , yet i fear we have not amongst us the tree of knowledge . it had been much to the disadvantage of pliny , had the coffee-house been in his days ; for sure he would have described some who frequent it ; which would have given him the reputation of a more fabulous writer then he has now . but being in our age it does him a service , for we who know it , can give faith to all his monsters . you who took care to go down into the country unlike a poet , i hope will take care not to come up again like a politician ; for then , you will add a new monster to the coffee-house , that was never seen there before . so you may come back again , in your soldier 's coat , for in that you will no more be suspected for a politician , than a poet. pray come upon any terms , for you are wished for by every body , but most wanted by your affectionate friend and servant , w. congreve . to mr. congreve , at tunbridge . dear sir , my business and my thanks for your kindness , you will find in the inclos'd , which i had sent by the last post , had not an accident hinder'd it . all the return that i can make you at present is , to acquaint you with such news as we have . our friend mr. — went last friday to the bath : he promis'd to write to me from that place , but it would be unreasonable indeed to expect it . for w — takes up his afternoons , and his mornings i suppose , are spent in contemplation at the cross bath . most of your friends of the coffee-house are disper'd : some are retreated into the country in hopes of some favours , which they expect from the muses ; two or three of them are retir'd in town to ruminate on some favours , which they have receiv'd from their mistresses . so that the coffee-house is like to grow into reputation again . for if any one gives it the scandalous denomination of the wits coffee-house , he must call it so by antiphrasis , because there comes no wit there . here are two or three indeed , who set up for wits at home , and endeavour to pass for wise at the coffee-house : for they hold their tongues there . indeed the coffee-house is generally the exchange for wit , where the merchants meet without bringing the commodity with them , which they leave at home in their ware-houses , alias , their closets , while they go abroad to take a prudent care for the vending it . but you are of the number of those happy few , who so abound in heriditary possessions , and in rich returns from greece and from italy , that you always carry some of it about you to be liberal to your friends of that which you sell to strangers . mr. — bables eternally according to his old rate , and as extravagantly as if he talk'd to himself ; which he certainly does , if no body minds him any more than i do : he has been just now enquiring , what sort of distemper the spleen is ; an infallible sign that he is the only man in covent-garden , who does not know he is an ass. to make him sensible what the spleen is , i could find in my heart to shew him himself , and give it him . if any thing restrains me from being reveng'd of his impertinence this way , 't is the consideration that it will make him wiser : this coxcomb naturally puts me in mind of the stage , where they have lately acted some new plays ; but had there been more of them , i would not scruple to affirm , that the stage is at present a desart and a barren place , as some part of africa is said to be , though it abounds in monsters . and yet those prodigious things have met with success : for a fool is naturally fond of a monster , because he is incapable of knowing a man. while you drink steel for your spleen at tunbridge , i partake of the benefit of the course ; for the gayety of your letters relieves me considerably : then what must your conversation do ? come up and make the experiment ; and impart that vigour to me which tunbridge has restor'd to you . i am your most humble servant , john dennis . mr. — to mr. dennis . namur taken , and a letter from mr. dennis , were two of the most agreeable surprizes i ever met with . and nothing but the reflection , how dear the conquest will cost us , i mean , the innumerable ill poems it will produce , could allay the pleasure . a — has watch'd for a victory a long time , and will not miss this opportunity to mortifie the day of thanksgiving , and scribble away the publick joy. the devil take will 's coffee-house : i could be the easiest man in the world under my calamity , if it were not for some of the company there ; who are now the greatest enemies i have in the world , worse than the company from which i am just now stol'n to write this letter . among the rest is a country gentleman who dictates politicks abundantly , for with us , as well as at old rome , we take dictators from the plow , but ours are such as ought never to remove their hands from it . i am yours , &c. mr. — to mr. dennis . while you are happy in the politicks of the grave club , and the puns of the rabble , you have no regard to the forlorn state of your poor friend . before i left london , i fained an hundred agreeable melancholy pleasures , with which i might fool away a retirement ; but now i detest being alone , and question whether mankind or solitude be the fitter subject for a satyr . of this , i am sure , that god almighty , rather than be alone , created the — ; and man , rather than be alone , chose a wife . whatever advantage i have lost by my country life , i believe , i have gain'd the gift of prophesie in the wilderness , for i foretold the poem with which a — has visited us . i am yours , &c. mr. — to mr. dennis . to your business hereafter , but first , le ts have a dance , as mr. bays says . when i came home from the west , where i had passed a fortnight , i found your three letters full of wit and humour . i was charm'd with the scandal you writ in the first , and enclosed in the last , viz. a.'s poem . i found the preamble before the poem to be like a suterkin before a dutch child . i read it over in great haste , in hopes to be pleased at last with the end of it , but this is the first time i ever dislik'd his conclusion . for he threatens strange things . i hope , 't is only in terrorem , if not , i hope god in his goodness will send us a peace , and prevent his songs of triumph . certainly , since the devil was dumb there never was such a poet. finis . errata in pliny's letters . page . instéad of eminent , r. imminent . p. . l. . instead of make for pomponianum , &c. r. go to his friend pomponianus , who was at stabiae , on the other side of the bay. p. . . . instead of he , r. pomponianus had . ibid , instead of tho' the wind , l. . r. had not the. ibid , l. . instead of but as it then blew directly for 'em , my unkle &c. r. but the same wind brought my unkle into the harbour , who , p. . l. . instead of made the best of their way to pomponianuns , r. joyn'd pomponianus and his company . these are the grossest faults , the rest , which are in no small number , by reason of the books being printed in the gentleman's absence , who was principally concern'd , the reader is desir'd to correct with his pen. notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a -e * trajan notes for div a -e a country poet. two covent-garden clubs . the weesils a satyrical fable, giving an account of some argumental passages happening in the lion's court about weesilion's taking the oaths. brown, thomas, - . approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; 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(eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) the weesils a satyrical fable, giving an account of some argumental passages happening in the lion's court about weesilion's taking the oaths. brown, thomas, - . [ ], , [ ] p. [s.n.], london : . satire in verse on william sherlock. cf. bm (compact ed.) attributed to thomas brown. cf. bm. reproduction of original in british library. created by converting tcp files to tei p using tcp tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between and available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the , texts created during phase of the project have been released into the public domain as of january . anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. % (or pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf- unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p , characters represented either as utf- unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng sherlock, william, ?- -- in literature. oaths -- great britain. - tcp assigned for keying and markup - aptara keyed and coded from proquest page images - emma (leeson) huber sampled and proofread - aptara rekeyed and resubmitted - emma (leeson) huber sampled and proofread - emma (leeson) huber text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion the weesils . a satyrical fable : giving an account of some argumental passages happening in the lion's court about weesilion's taking the oaths . i tell thee mufti , if the world were wise they would not wag one finger in your quarrels ; your heaven you promise , but our earth you covet ; the phaetons of mankind , who fire that world , which you were sent by preaching but to warm . mr. dryden in don sebastian . london , printed in the year . the weesils . the argument of the first section . husband and wife at variance are about the oathes , till female art informs his conscience , he must swear , and brings him over to her part . section near to an ancient famous house of prayer , where pious rules were taught for many a year ; where the knights templers lie with legs across , expecting what may never come to pass ; in a close cell , secure from storms of fate weesilion liv'd , in matrimonial state ; lucky , and learn'd , he bore no cross in life , unless mankind's domestick cross , a wife ; but in the lion's court was prosperous long , an awful bard , and reverenc'd was his song ; of stature tall , and of right weesil size , a grace to all his tribe , learn'd , pious , wise ; in favour with his prince above the rest , and had the knack of preaching with the best ; passive obedience own'd to legal power , and to defend it , true allegiance swore . it chanc'd the lion for oppressions laid on 's subjects , not long after was betray'd : sly foxes first the faction 'gan to spread , and then each free-born english brute made head ; tyrannick sway resolving to subdue , they turn'd him out , and strait set up a new . and now obedience in a second sphere , to their ador'd new monarch does appear ? conscience anatomiz'd in numbers was , for true belief , for quiet , and for place ; whilst others the new oaths would not receive , because the lion late depos'd did live ; and tho from pastoral office dispossest , thought perjury improper for a priest. amongst the learned ministerial crew weesilion was the first that thought this true , as suiting with the argumental lore , which to the world he often taught before ; and therefore as his tender conscience us'd still to direct him right , the oaths refus'd , as thinking he should else be much in fault , and contradict the doctrin he had taught : but his dear wife , whose heart was fond of gain , and known a weesil of another strain , whose worldly thoughts still rather did incline to temporal blessings than to grace divine , perceiving that her bacon did decrease , and that she miss'd her late supplies of cheese ; the pye-crust lost that feasted her before , and all upon his starving conscience score , resolv'd , as th' sex oft do to men most wise , to work upon his fond uxorious vice ; and thus as if she felt some mighty pang of sudden grief , began her first harangue . wife weesil . what signifies it , as our case now lies , that thou art thought of weesils the most wise , that through our large precinct art lov'd and fear'd . and my lord cat himself not more rever'd ; ( tho robes episcopal much reverence draw ) t' instruct and keep parochial mice in awe ? if conscience bounds the blessings of thy life , conscience may get thee fame , but starve thy wife : the malecontents may cry thee up for good , but i shall have the lesser store of food ; and the least vermin of the poorest race , whose husband swears , will make me give her place ; a thing that to our sex more trouble draws , than loss of life , religion , or the laws . hus weesil . take heed how solid judgment you disgrace , you must consider , dearest , on our case , what pains we take to tie our flocks to rules , and what hard shifts we make to bubble fools ; the wise begin to pry into our trade , and many see what blockheads they are made ; you must not then my cautious deeds revile , because our state is lessened for a while : for yet e're i recant , 't is fit i know whether the government will stand or no. wife weesil . your scruple in this case is plain and clear , the government well setled does appear , which by your own late tenets safe may bring your true allegiance unto any king. hus. weesil , opinions variously the wise endite ; ne're build too much , sweet-heart , on what i write ; thou art my own , and i may boldly say my pen can travel this and t'other way , and fallacies for truths to crowds make out , the ignorant are ever most devout . wife weesil . if profit be your aim , why won't you swear ? our wants are great , and you know winter's near . hus. weesil . tho my preferments i retrieve agen , my conscience tells me 't is a mighty sin . w. weesil . does not your conscience find the scripture saith , preserve thy self ? hus. weesil . sweet-heart , you must have faith. wife weesil . feed on your musty morals if you please , a little faith's good , with a little cheese . i love devotion well , as being your wife , but good white bread is still the staff of life . hus. weesil . can you then murmur ? wife weesil . 't is in vain to sit and think to feed upon your scraps of wit ; i must lay up against a rainy day ▪ and hoard a stock , lest you are snatch'd away ; as with your own diseases , and my draining you quickly may , for you 'r each day complaining ; and then perhaps at last you 'l have the grace to joynture me in your resistance case ; or else instead of treasure will bequeath some practical discourses about death ; but for a good support i may go seek , if puking conscience thus can make you squeak . hus. weesil . wouldst have a clergyman be such a wretch ▪ to have no conscience ! wife weesil . none that would not stretch ; to be cramp'd with it is a sordid fate , and a worse pain than wearing shoes too streight : conscience in all things should our comfort be , no wise man lets it starve his family . hus. weesil . yet job had patience . wife weesil . job was curs'd alone ; and tho he patience had , his wife had none ▪ the better part on 's family stood out , much more inclin'd to curse than be devout : and if i should my secret thoughts confess , i find my self a little in her case . how many savoury bits were mine before ? no weesil in the town i 'm sure had more : gammons and marrow-puddings my delight ; besides bribe-pyes when-ever you did write ; with visitants still throng'd , the hind , the hare , councellor fox , and my great lord the bear , but now no bruit of fashion e're comes here , unless a sullen male-contented crew , that having lost their tales , would have yours too . hus , weesil . 't is fit we should on providence depend , which in its own due time will succour send ; to that with modest patience let us fix . wife weesil . but the mean time i want my coach and six . the neighboring wives already slight me too , justle to the wall , and take the upper pew . hus. weesil . your heart , religion , to be humble , shews . wife weesil . a coach , a treat , a title , and fine cloathes , is all th' religion that a woman knows . therefore if my contentment you hold dear , redeem your loss , and if you love me , swear . hus. weesil . suppose i should , what would the subject say , that i thus long have seem'd to disobey ? wife weesil the subjects are a crew of little mice , rich drowsie moles , blunt rats , and bruits unwise ; you clergy top upon them all with ease , your name will quash a thousand when you please ; write 'em your reasons , pop some logick in 't , 't will get at least ten pound a sheet for print ? tell 'em your prudent part was then disarm'd , and that you 're ne're too wise to be inform'd . they 'le then agree you only were mistaken . hus. weesil . no , they 'l conclude i do 't to save my bacon . wife weesil . though that one reason is enough , by jove you 're safe , because 't is more than they can prove : why , is it strange you should past errors see ? to be infallible is popery . come , come , sweet-hart , you must resolve upon 't ; must i give place , is 't fit that i should want ? hus. weesil . consider if i should your wishes crown , what a strange noise 't would make about the town , how many galling censures must i bear ? wife weesil . what 's censure , to six hundred pounds a year ? hus. weesil . that 's true , but yet the headlong multitude ▪ seeing thee pass along may be so rude to point and laugh in scorn . wife weesil . i 'le take a chair , and shew my motion in an higher sphere , come , come , excuse is vain ▪ this oath must be , if you intend to live in peace with me . hus. weesil . how much unable was mankind decreed to contradict , when love and beauty plead ? strict conscience o're our souls has mighty power , but yet alas ! dear woman kind has more : i 'le do 't , and to excuse my error better , lay all the fault upon my human nature . wife weesil . not so , but use your sophistry agen , amuse the town with notions from your pen ; preach on , look gravely , that still credit draws ; if you own frailty , you give up the cause . at this weesilion with a close embrace seal'd his resolve upon her charming face ; and to oblige her , without more delay , resolv'd to swear allegiance the next day , which was perform'd , and round the lions court the news the beasts did variously report ; the bulls and horses shew their different sense , th' one spoke him perjur'd , t' other in 's defence : but on his spouse's side the cows and mares were resolute , as if the case was theirs ; who now ( preferments being all return'd ) no longer for her late misfortunes mourn'd ; but pleas'd and jocund flaunts it up and down , the happiest briskest weesil in the town . the end of the first section . the weesils . the argument of the second section . a weesil of his former flock , our convert's double-dealing shews , who patiently receives the shock , and lays the fault upon his spouse . sect . ii. and now weesilion was in prosperous state , and daily expectation to be great : his wife too , in her cock'd comode well drest , and richest silks , can rustle with the best ; when yet some weesils of a former herd , his neighbouring friends before he was prefer'd , perceiving that his doctrin different was , from what he taught 'em in another place , with daily grumblings vex , from time to time ▪ the wav'ring brute , for his apostate crime : all doubting much the safety of their souls , that had depended on his former scrowls ; 'mongst whom a weesil of a weightier brain than generally the party did retain , remembring what he late had heard him say , and now had seen him swear another way , a friendly visit made , to state the case , and find if he were utterly past grace . weesilion , tho he late had been much teiz'd , and was not with more disputants well pleas'd , yet with a chearful look invites him in , when thus the stranger does his tale begin . visitant w. what crack-brain'd whimsie have you lately done ? what can you mean by preaching pro & con ? strangely mistaking thus your reverend place , and bringing your whole function in disgrace : can you believe that you are grown so wise , to charm our senses , and blind all our eyes ; and that we are so stupid all of late , that none can see how you prevaricate ; and with slight sophistry and shallow rules top and impose upon us all like fools ; one while affirm , we may resist a king ; another , contradict the self same thing , disguising streight what now your sense unfolds , as if you plaid the jugler with our souls ; by which proceedings all we can remark , is , you design to leave us in the dark ; and to our judgments make those tenets vain in th' temple , which you taught in buttolph-lane ; else why this turn of humour ? hus. weesel . hear me speak , and then you will not think this turn a freak : 't is conscience which can never add to crimes , that makes our doctrins alter with the times ; th' unhappy land with blood might over-flow , if we should preach now as some years ago ; 't is our profession still to calm the vext . visitant ▪ w. and as the nation veers to turn your text. how e're unlike this your profession be , that 't is your topick now we plainly see ; you leave true sense and reason in the lurch , and yet pretend 't is to support the church ; that conscience prompts you to promote a peace ; you 'd better own self-interest in the case , and that you contradict your former rules , only because you took us all for fools . but who the devil , if this be your way , will ever value what you preach or pray ? for if your doctrin now in truth excels , by consequence the former must be false , and all the notions you did late avow , dash'd and exploded by your reasons now . how oft alas ! have i been one of those , on whom you long did formerly impose ? how oft have argued what you gravely taught , which you as gravely now prove good for nought ; altho' perhaps i 've laid my soul upon 't , eccho'd your stuff , and justified your cant ; and would have laid my wives and childrens too , on knotty points you ty'd , and now undo . hus. weesil . these angry things are fit for all to say , that are but little knowing in our way ; when once the flock can give the pastor rules , the ignorant are wise , th' instructors fools : we oft designs political must own , as well as pious rules , t' instruct the town ; your sense runs all upon soul-saving graces , ours is sometimes on titles ; and on places ; for if we must explain all things we do , we are not the instructors then , but you ; besides you err in your imagination , for tho my doctrins upon that occasion , with others are not rightly understood , they in one point agree , for all are good ; and you as wholsom rules might learn from thence , as the case stood , as from my reasons since . vis. w. there lies the fallacy with which you cheat , you never gave us your true reasons yet . you 'd have us think 't was conscience made you swear ; conscience , alas ! was the least motive there ; for conscience working when your cause was strong , no cause gave to defer the oath so long : another motive more your sense amuz'd , that ireland was in doubt to be reduc'd , the government not setled , and the scorn you 'd bear , if the late lion should return . conquest unsure made you refuse before , but when you found we were in hopes , you swore . hus. weesel let vulgar insolents think what they please , i best can tell what gave my conscience ease , i found one book that the case plain express'd . vis. weesil . faith , then let me advise , burn all the rest : if you have read thus long , and are taught now by one , what in this point you ought to do , leave off to study , and be rul'd by me , turn and begin again at abc . hus. weesil . should any think instruction out of season ? vis. wheesil . could any man of sense give such a reason ? especially where free-will is his own , no strict commands , nor impositions known ; the gracious lion lets our consciences lie close , or else dilated as we please ; when tho his power may remand a place , he never touches our spiritual case , but fairly lets us swear , or disobey ; stand out for conscience , or come in for pay. hus. weesil . altho he does not force , he may require . vis. weesil . ah , that 's a thing we find you all desire ; spite of devotion we can see an itch in sanctity , still longing to be rich ; and though the scripture has confirm'd it true , that no one can serve god and mammon too ; yet the long robe , in all their strictest zeal , i find by you the misers murrain feel ; gold on the craying bosom of a priest adorns his vrim and his thummim best ; and gold 't is thought by all your neighbours round inform'd your faith more than the book you found . hus. weesil . prithee no more , i 'm teez'd enough already . vis. weesil . your tribe should all be in opinion steddy . not turn and wind for title and for place , nor covet wealth , but in spiritual grace ; the gifts of mammon you should ne're implore , nor wish for gold , unless to give the poor ; it makes your trade contemptible appear , less follow'd too , and look'd into more near : for if all those that sell us paradice must have their shares of every human vice , they shall cant long enough e're i believe , or pin my soul's salvation on their sleeve . but come , to leave all fallacies and tricks , swear as if 't were upon a crucifix , declare , as you would merit to be bless'd , why you refus'd so long , why swore at last ; was not a female serpent in the case ? was 't not your wife ? hus. weesil . to say the truth , it was ; [ weeping . profit with argument my heart did win , fix'd my long wavering faith , and drew me in ; her flowing reasons mine in publick brought , vis. weesil . and to deal plainly with thee , so 't is thought ; her ebbing stores did this desire inflame , she wanted counters too to play at pam ; and toys and treats , and trappings for the head , these knacks set you a swearing . hus. weesil . yes indeed , the purest work of nature's artful hand winning my heart , did soon my sense command ; nor had i power to deny my eve , no more than he whom she did first deceive . vis. weesil . worst work of heaven's creation ! how much ill in every age is done by woman still ? born to destroy , by nature dress'd for sin , their soul 's their outward form , they 've none within : to be impos'd on by a female brain exalts your fault , and makes excuse more vain : to each proud dame you give example now , they 'd fain rebel , and you have shewn them how : they 'l always quote your reasons as sublime , and cuckoldom's entail'd upon your crime : courage , they cry , let 's make the men obey , mark how the d — r's wife has led the way . thus you not only disobedience draw from them , but set us up a salique law , but almost make us leave our souls in th' lurch , by bringing a just scandal on the church . hus. weesil . my reasons shall hereafter be more strong , scandal you know is ne're but seven days long ; tho pamphlets now the vulgar dare repeat , the tone will alter'd be when i am great ; and then i shall in a right posture be to do my friends some good , and some to thee . vis. weesil . if temporal good you mean , with all my heart , but i 'le ne're trust again your preaching art. pursue your work , gain the pontifick field , advance the mitre , and the crosier wield ; but may i be of all male rights disarm'd , if ever i come t' ye to be confirm'd . postscript . instead of a preface i only shall let you know , that i have a veneration for the church of england and monarchical government ; and only presume to give this little jerk to some , who , i am afraid , byas'd by interest , either wink at , or absolutely forget her admirable , tho plain principles . finis . familiar letters: vol. i. written by the right honourable, john, late earl of rochester, to the honourable henry savile, esq; and other letters by persons of honour and quality. with letters written by the most ingenious mr. tho. otway, and mrs. k. philips. publish'd from their original copies. with modern letters by tho. cheek, esq; mr. dennis, and mr. brown. rochester, john wilmot, earl of, - . approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : - (eebo-tcp phase ). a wing r a estc r this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) familiar letters: vol. i. written by the right honourable, john, late earl of rochester, to the honourable henry savile, esq; and other letters by persons of honour and quality. with letters written by the most ingenious mr. tho. otway, and mrs. k. philips. publish'd from their original copies. with modern letters by tho. cheek, esq; mr. dennis, and mr. brown. rochester, john wilmot, earl of, - . otway, thomas, - . brown, thomas, - . cheek, thomas. philips, katherine, - . dennis, john, - . the second edition with additions. [ ], , [ ] p. printed by w. onley, for s. briscoe, at the corner of charles-street, in russel-street, covent-garden, london : . title page is a . with an initial table of contents. with advertisment pages on a v, a v, and p. [ ] at end of text. reproduction of the original in the harvard university library. created by converting tcp files to tei p using tcp tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between and available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the , texts created during phase of the project have been released into the public domain as of january . anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. % (or pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf- unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p , characters represented either as utf- unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng english letters -- early works to . - tcp assigned for keying and markup - spi global keyed and coded from proquest page images - mona logarbo sampled and proofread - mona logarbo text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion advertisement . there is lately publish'd in latin , evangelium m●dici , se● m●dic●n● mystica de suspensis naturae legibus , siv● de miraculis . by dr. connor , of the colledge of physicians , and fellow o● the royal society . in octavo . t●e chief heads of the matters that he treats of are as follows : i. of the nature of a body , particularly an organical one , where the structure and natural state of the h●man body is explain'd . ii. how many ways the natural state of the human body , is said to have been supernaturally alter'd . iii. of the laws of motion , and of the three different suspensions of the same , in order to explain all miracles . iv. how it can be conceived , that water can be changed into wine . v. how it can be conceiv'd , that a human body can be invulnerable , immortal , and can live for ever without meat , as after the resurrection . vi. how a human body can be conceived to be in a fire without burning . vii . how we can conceive that an army can pass through the sea without drowning , or walk upon the water without sinking . viii . how it can be conceived that a man can have a bloody sweat. ix . of the different ways a human body can come into the world ; where is given an account of its g●n●ration by concourse of man woman . x. how we can conceive a human body can be ●orm'd of a woman without a man , as christ ' s. xi . how to conceive a human body to be made without man or woman , as adam ' s. xii . how to conceive a human body dead , some ages since , to be brought to life again , as in the r●surrection . xiii . how many ways it cannot be conceiv'd that a human body can be intire and alive in two places at the same time . xiv . of the natural state of the soul , and its influence upon the body . xv. of the supernatural , or miraculous state of the soul united to the body . there is in the press , and will be publish'd next trinity-term , a third volume of familiar letters , written by the late lord rochester , the duke of buckingham , and sir george etherege , which will be intirely theirs . if any gentlemen are willing to oblige the publick with any letters of those honourable persons own writing , they are desired to send them to sam. briscoe , in cov●nt-gard●n , who will print them in the next volume . familiar letters : vol. i. written by the right honourable , iohn , late earl of rochester , to the honourable henry savile , esq and other letters by persons of honour and quality . with letters written by the most ingenious mr. tho. otway , and mrs. k. philips . publish'd from their original copies . with modern letters by tho. cheek , esq mr. dennis , and mr. brown . the second edition with additions . london : printed by w. onley , for s. briscoe , at the corner of charles-street , in russel-street , covent-garden , . to dr. radcliff . i have presumed , tho' i knew at the same time how hainously i trespass'd against you in doing so , to inscribe your name to the following collection of letters . as you were no stranger to that excellent person , whose pieces composes , by far , the most valuable part of it , so i was satisfied that every thing , from so celebrated a hand , wou'd be acceptable and welcome to you ; and in that confidence , made bold to give you the trouble of ●his address . my lord rochester has left ●o established a reputation behind him , that he needs no officious pen to set out his worth , especially to you , who were acquainted so per●ectly well with all his eminent qualities , ●hat made him the delight and envy of both sexes , and the ornament of our island . in every thing of his lordship's writing , there 's something so happily express'd , the graces are so numerous , yet so unaffected , that i don't wonder why all the original touches of so incomparable a master , have been enquired after , with so publick and general a concern . most of his other compositions , especially those in verse , have long ago bless'd the publick , and were received with vniversal delight and admiration , which gives me encouragement to believe , that his letters will find the like reception . tho' most of them were written upon private occasions , to an honourable person who was happy in his lordship's acquaintance , with no intention to be ever made publick ; yet that constant good sence , which is all along visible in them , the iustice of the observations , and the peculiar beauties of the style , are reasons sufficient , why they should no longer be conceal'd in private hands . and indeed , at this time , when the private plate of the nation comes abroad to relieve the present exigences , it seems but just , that since the dearth of wit● is as great as that of money , such a treasure of good sence and language shou'd no longer be buried in oblivion . with thi● difference , however , that whereas our plate before it can circulate in our markets , mus● receive the royal stamp , must be melted down , and take another form , these vnvaluable remains want no alterations to recommend them ; they need only be taken from the rich mines where they grew ; for their own intrinsick value secures them , and his lordship's name is sufficient to make them current . as for the letters by other hands , that make up this volume , some of them were written by gentlemen , that are wholly strangers to me , and others belong to those that are so much better known in the world than myself , that i can say nothing upon this occasion , but what falls vastly short of their merit . but i cannot forbear to say something of mr. otway's : they have that inimitable tenderness in them , that i dare oppose them to any thing of antiquity ; i am sure few of the present age can pretend to come up to them . the passions , in the raising of which , he had a felicity peculiar to himself , are represented in such lively colours , that they cannot fail of affecting the most insensible hearts , with pleasing agitations . i cou'd wish we had more pieces of● the same hand , for i profess an intire veneration to his memory , and always looked upon him as the only person , almost , that knew the secret springs and sources of nature , and made a true use of them . love , as it is generally managed by other hands , is either raving and enthusiastical , or else dull and languishing : in him alone 't is true nature , and at the same time inspires us with compassion and delight . after this , i will not venture to say any thing of my own trifles that bring up the rear . some of 'em were written long ago , and now huddled in haste ; the rest had a little more care and labour bestow'd upon them . if they contribute in the least to your entertainment , which was my only design in publishing them , i have attain'd my ends : i have some others by me , which i may , perhaps , publish hereafter , if these meet with any tolerable success . i need not , and i am sure i cannot make you a better panegyrick than to acquaint the world , that you were happy in my lord rochester's friendship , that he took pleasure in your conversation , of which even his enemies must allow him to have been the best iudge , and that in the politest reign we can boast of in england . the approbation of so impartial a iudge , who was , in his time , a scourge to all blockheads , by what names or titles soever dignisied , or distinguish'd , is above all the incense that a much better hand than mine can presume to offer : shou'd i put out all the dedication sails , as 't is the way of most authors , i cou'd soon erect you into a great hero , and deliverer ; and tell how often you have triumph'd over inveterate distempers , and restor'd the sick to that only blessing , that makes life supportable . i cou'd tell how , by your single merit , you have ba●●led a faction form'd against you with equal malice and ignorance ; i cou'd tell what marks of munisicence you have left behind you , in the place that was honour'd with your education , and how generously ready you are to serve your friends upon all occasions . but after all , the highest thing i will pretend to say of you her is , that you were esteem'd , and valu'd , and lov'd by my lord rochester . 't is true , as there never was any conspicuous merit in the world , that had not , like hercules , monsters to encounter , so you have had your share of them ; but , heaven be prais'd , your enemies , with all their vain endeavours , have only served to six your interest , and advance your reputation : tho' i know you hear of nothing with more vneasiness , than of the favours you do ; yet i cannot omit to tell , and indeed i am vain upon it , that you have condescended so low , as to divert those hours you cou'd steal from the publick , with some of my trifles , that you have been pleased to think favourably of them , and rewarded them . for all which obligations , i had no other way of expressing my gratitude but this ; which , i am afraid will but inflame the reckoning , instead of paying any part of the debt : but this has been the constant vsage in all ages of parnassus , and , like senators that take bribes , we have antiquity and vniversality to plead in our excuse . but i forget that you are all this while in pain , till the dedication releases you : therefore i have nothing but my wishes to add , that you , who have been so happy a restorer of health to others , may ever enjoy it yourself , that your days may be always pleasant , and your nights easie , and that you 'll be pleas'd to forgive this presumption in your most humble and most obliged servant , t. brown . the bookseller's preface . having , by the assistance of a worthy friend , procured the following letters that were written by the late incomparable earl of rochester ( the originals of all which i preserve by me , to satisfie those gentlemen , who may have the curiosity to see them under his lordship's hand ) i was encouraged to trouble others of my friends , that had any letters in their custody , to make this collection , which i now publish . indeed the letters that were written by the abovemention'd honourable person , have something so happy in the manner and stile , that i need not lose my time to convince the world they are genuine . i may say the same of mr. otway's letters , that they are full of life and passion , and sufficiently discover their author . and that this collection might be compleat , i got some that were written by the fam'd orinda , mrs. katherine phillips , to be added to the rest ; together with others by some gentlemen now living , that the reader might have a variety of entertainment . our neighbouring nations , whom i don't believe we come short of in any respect , have printed several volumes of letters , which meet with publick approbation ; i am satisfied , that if the gentlemen of england wou'd be as free , and communicative to part with theirs , we might show as great a number , and as good a choice as they have done . it has been used as an objection against publishing things of this nature , that , if they are written as they ought to be , they shou'd never be made publick . but i hope this collection will disarm that objection ; for tho' the reader may not understand every particular passage , yet there are other things in them that will make him sufficient amends . i have only a word more to add : upon the noise of this collection , several gentlemen have been so kind , as to send me in materials to compose a second , which is now printed ; and , on the printing the second , i have procured as many of the lord rochester's the duke of buckingham , and sir george etheridge , which will almost make a third vol. which if i can compleat , it shall be publish'd next trinity-term ; and therefore those gentlemen that have any curious letters by them , written by those honourable persons , and are willing to oblige the publick , by letting them come abroad , are desired to send them to me , who will take care to have them faithfully transcrib'd for the press , and printed in the third vol. which will be intirely theirs , and no modern one mixt with them . sam . briscoe . a table of all the letters in this volume . several letters by the late earl of rochester , to the honourable henry savil , esq from p. . to p. . the earl of l — 's letter to the honourable algernoon sidney , p. . algernoon sidney's letter against arbitrary government , p. . two letters by another hand , to madam — from p. . to p. . love-letters by mr. otway , from p. . to . a letter from — to mr. g — p. . a letter to the duke of vivone , by the fam'd monsieur boiliau . translated by thomas cheek , esq p. . a letter by mr. dennis , sent with monsieur boileau's speech to the academy of paris , upon his admission , p. . monsieur boileau's speech to the academy . translated by mr. dennis , p. . letters of courtship to a woman of quality , from p. . to . a letter of reproach to a woman of quality , p. . a letter of business to a merchant's wife in the city , p. . letters by the late celebrated mrs. katherine phillips , from p. . to . a letter to mr. herbert , p. . a letter to c.g. esq in covent-garden , p. . to the perjur'd mrs. — p. . to the honourable — in the pall-mall , p. . a letter to my lady — p. . a consolatory letter to an essex-divine , upon the death of his wife , p. . a letter to the fair lucinda at epsom , p. . to the same at london , p. . to w. knight , esq at ruscomb , in berkshire , p. . to a gentleman that fell desperately in love , and set up for a beau in the th year of his age , p. . the answer , p. . a letter to his honoured friend , dr. baynard , at the bath , p. . a letter to mr. raphson , fellow of the royal society , upon occasion of dr. conner's book , entituled , physica arcana , seu tractatus de mystico corporum statu ; to be printed by mr. briscoe , p. . a letter to the lord north and grey , p. . to a friend in the country , p. . books newly printed for r. we●lington , at the lute in st. paul church-yard . a discourse of the nature and faculti● of man , in several essays ; with refl●●ctions upon the occurrences of human li●● by tim. nourse , gent. the lord rochester's letters , vol. i. the works of that excellent practical ph●●sician , dr. tho. syden●am ; wherein not on the history of acute diseases are treated 〈◊〉 after a new method , but also the shortest 〈◊〉 safest way of curing most chronical diseas● ovid travestie : or a burlesque on ovi● epistles . by capt. alexander rad●liff , grays-inn . the family-physician : being a cho●● collection of approved and experienced r●●medies to cure all diseases incident to h●●man bodies ; useful in families , and servi●●able to country-people . by george ha●ti●● se●vant to sir ken●hn digby , till he died . plays . anatomist , or sham-doctor . plain-deal orphan . oedipus . rover. spanish wiv● unnatural brother . younger brother , amorous jilt . where you may be furnished with most plays . familiar letters , by the right honourable , john , late earl of rochester . vol. i. to the honourable henry savile . dear savile , do a charity becoming one of your pious principles , in preserving your humble servant rochester , from the imminent peril of sobriety ; which , for want of good wine , more than company , ( for i can drink like a hermit betwixt god and my own conscience ) is very like to befal me : remember what pains i have formerly taken to wean you from your pernicious resolutions of discretion and wisdom ! and , if you have a grateful heart , ( which is a miracle amongst you statesmen ) shew it , by directing the bearer to the best wine in town ; and pray let not this highest point of sacred friendship be perform'd slightly , but go about it with all due deliberation and care , as holy priests to sacrifice , or as discreet thieves to the wary performance of burglary and shop-lifting . let your well-discerning pallat ( the best judge about you ) travel from cellar to cellar , and then from piece to piece , till it has lighted on wine sit for its noble choice and my approbation . to engage you the more in this matter , know , i have laid a plot may very probably betray you to the drinking of it . my lord — will inform you at large . dear savile ! as ever thou dost hope to out-do machiavel , or equal me , send some good wine ! so may thy wearied soul at last find rest , no longer hov'ring 'twixt th' unequal choice of politicks and lewdness ! maist thou be admir'd and lov'd for thy domestick wit ; belov'd and cherish'd for thy foreign interest and intelligence . rochester . to the honourable henry savile . harry , you cannot shake off the statesman intirely ; for , i perceive , you have no opinion of a letter , that is not almost a gazette : now , to me , who think the world as giddy as my self , i care not which way it turns , and am fond of no news , but the prosperity of my friends , and the continuance of their kindness to me , which is the only error i wish to continue in 'em : for my own part , i am not at all stung with my lord m — 's mean ambition , but i aspire to my lord l — 's generous philosophy : they who would be great in our little government , seem as ridiculous to me as school-boys , who , with much endeavour , and some danger , climb a crab-tree , venturing their necks for fruit , which solid pigs would disdain , if they were not starving . these reflections , how idle soever they seem to the busie , if taken into consideration , would save you many a weary step in the day , and help g — y to many an hours sleep , which he wants in the night : but g — y would be rich ; and , by my troth , there is some sence in that : pray remember me to him , and tell him , i wish him many millions , that his soul may find rest . you write me word , that i 'm out of favour with a certain poet , whom i have ever admir'd , for the disproportion of him and his attributes : he is a rari●y which i cannot but be fond of , as one would be of a hog that could fiddle , or a singing owl . if he falls upon me at the blunt , which is his very good weapon in wit , i will forgive him , if you please , and leave the repartee to black will , with a cudgel . and now , dear harry , if it may agree with your affairs , to shew yourself in the country this summer , contrive such a crew together , as may not be asham'd of passing by woodstock ; and , if you can debauch alderman g — y , we will make a shift to delight his gravity . i am sorry for the declining d — ss , and would have you generous to her at this time ; for that is true pride , and i delight in it . rochester . to the honourable henry savile . dear savile , this day i receiv'd the unhappy news of my own death and burial . but , hearing what heirs and successors were decreed me in my place , and chiefly in my lodgings , it was no small joy to me , that those tydings prove untrue ; my passion for living , is so encreas'd , that i omit no care of myself ; which , before , i never thought life worth the trouble of taking . the king , who knows me to be a very ill-natur'd man , will not think it an ●asie matter for me to die , now i live chiefly out of spight . dear mr. savile , afford me some news from your land of the living ; and though i have little curiosity to hear who 's well , yet i would be glad my few friends are so , of whom you are no more the least than the leanest . i have better compliments for you , but that may not look so sincere as i would have you believe i am , when i profess myself , your faithful , affectionate , humble servant , rochester . adderbury , near banbury , feb. ult my service to my lord middlesex . to the honourable henry savile . harry , i am in a great straight what to write to you ; the stile of business i am not vers'd in , and you may have forgot , the familiar one we us'd heretofore . what alterations ministry makes in men , is not to be imagined ; though i can trust with confidence all those you are liable to , so well i know you , and so perfectly i love you . we are in such a setled happiness , and such merry security in this place , that , if it were not for sickness , i could pass my time very well , between my own ill-nature , which inclines me very little to pity the misfortunes of malicious mistaken fools , and the policies of the times , which expose new rarities of that kind every day . the news i have to send , and the sort alone which could be so to you , are things gyaris & carcere digna ; which i dare not trust to this pretty fool , the bearer , whom i heartily recommend to your favour and protection , and whose qualities will recommend him more ; and truly , if it might suit with your character , at your times of leisure , to mr. baptists's acquaintance , the happy consequence would be singing , and in which your excellence might have a share not unworthy the greatest embassadors , nor to be despis'd even by a cardinal-legate ; the greatest and gravest of this court of both sexes have ta●ted his beauties ; and , i 'll assure you , rome gains upon us here , in this point mainly ; and there is no part of the plot carried with so much secresie and vigour as this . proselytes , of consequence , are daily made , and my lord s — 's imprisonment is no check to any . an account of mr. george porter's retirement , upon news that mr. grimes , with one gentleman more , had invaded england , mr. s — 's apology , for making songs on the duke of m. with his oration-consolatory on my lady d — 's death , and a politick dissertation between my lady p — s and capt. dangerfield , with many other worthy treatises of the like nature , are things worthy your perusal ; but i durst not send 'em to you without leave , not knowing what consequence it might draw upon your circumstances and character ; but if they will admit a correspondence of that kind , in which alone i dare presume to think myself capable , i shall be very industrious in that way , or any other , to keep you from forgetting , your most affectionate , obliged , humble servant , rochester . white-hall , nov. . . to the honourable henry savile . dear savile , were i as idle as ever , which i shou'd not fail of being , if health permitted ; i wou'd write a small romance , and make the sun with his dishrievel'd rays guild the tops of the palaces in leather-lane : then shou'd those vile enchanters barten aud ginman , lead forth their illustrious captives in chains of quicksilver , and confining 'em by charms to the loathsome banks of a dead lake of diet-drink ; you , as my friend , shou'd break the horrid silence , and speak the most passionate fine things that ever heroick lover utter'd ; which being softly and sweetly reply'd to by mrs. roberts , shou'd rudely be interrupted by the envious f — . thus wou'd i lead the mournful tale along , till the gentle reader bath'd with the tribute of his eyes , the names of such unfortunate lovers — and this ( i take it ) wou'd be a most excellent way of celebrating the memories of my most pockey friends , companions and mistresses . but it is a miraculous thing ( as the wise have it ) when a man , half in the grave , cannot leave off playing the fool , and the buffoon ; but so it falls out to my comfort : for at this moment i am in a damn'd relapse , brought by a feaver , the stone , and some ten diseases more , which have depriv'd me of the power of crawling , which i happily enjoy'd some days ago ; and now i fear , i must fall , that it may be fulfilled which was long since written for instruction in a good old ballad , but he who lives not wise and sober , falls with the leaf still in october . about which time , in all probability , there may be a period added to the ridiculous being of your humble servant , rochester . to the honourable henry savile . dear savile , in my return from new-market , i met your packet , and truly was not more surprized at the indirectness of mr. p.'s proceeding , than overjoy'd at the kindness and care of yours . misery makes all men less or more dishonest ; and i am not astonish'd to see villany industrious for bread ; especially , living in a place where it is often so de gayete de coeur . i believe , the fellow thought of this device to get some money , or else he is put upon it by some-body , who has given it him already ; but i give him leave to prove what he can against me : however , i will search into the matter , and give you a further account within a post or two . in the mean time you have made my heart glad in giving me such a proof of your friendship ; and i am now sensible , that it is natural for you to be kind to me , and can never more despair of it . i am your faithful , oblig'd , humble servant , rochester . bishop-stafford , apr. . . to the honourable henry savile , embassador in france . begun , white-hall , may th , . dear savile , 't is neither pride or neglect ( for i am not of the new council , and i love you sincerely ) but idleness on one side , and not knowing what to say on the other , has hindred me from writing to you , after so kind a letter , and the present you sent me , for which i return you at last my humble thanks . changes in this place are so frequent , that f — himself can now no longer give an account , why this was done to day , or what will ensue to morrow ; and accidents are so extravagant , that my lord w — intending to lie , has , with a prophetick spirit , once told truth . every man in this court thinks he stands fair for minister ; some give it to shaftsbury , others to hallifax ; but mr. waller says s — does all ; i am sure my lord a — does little , which your excellence will easily believe . and now the war in scotland takes up all the discourse of politick persons . his grace of lauderdale values himself upon the rebellion , and tells the king , it is very auspicious and advantageous to the drift of the present councils : the rest of the scots , and especially d. h — are very inquisitive after news from scotland , and really make a handsome figure in this conjuncture at london . what the d. of monmouth will effect , is now the general expectation , who took post unexpectedly , left all that had offer'd their service in this expedition , in the lurch ; and , being attended only by sir thomas armstrong , and mr. c — will , without question , have the full glory as well of the prudential as the military part of this action entire to himself . the most profound politicians have weighty brows , and careful aspects at present , upon a report crept abroad , that mr. langhorn , to save his life , offers a discovery of priests and iesuits lands , to the value of fourscore and ten thousand pounds a year ; which being accepted , it is fear'd , partisans and vndertakers will be found out to advance a considerable sum of mony upon this fund , to the utter interruption of parliaments , and the destruction of many hopeful designs . this , i must call god to witness , was never hinted to me in the least by mr. p — to whom i beg you will give me your hearty recommendations . thus much to afford you a taste of my serious abilities , and to let you know i have a great goggle-eye to business : and now i cannot deny you a share in the high satisfaction i have receiv'd at the account which flourishes here of your high protestancy at paris : charenton was never so honour'd , as since your residence and ministry in france , to that degree , that it is not doubted if the parliament be sitting at your return , or otherwise the mayor and common-council , will petition the king you may be dignified with the title of that place , by way of earldom or duked●m , as his majesty shall think mo●t proper to give , or you accept . mr. s — is a man of that tenderness of heart , and approv'd humanity , that he will doubtless be highly afflicted when he hears of the unfortunate pilgrims , tho' he appears very obdurate ●o the complaints of his own best concubine , and your fair kinswoman m — who now starves . the packet inclos'd in your last , i read with all the sence of compassion it merits , and if i can prove so unexpectedly happy to succeed in my endeavou●s for that fair unfortunate , she shall have a speedy account . i thank god , there is yet a harry savile in e●gland , with whom i drank your health last week at sir william coventry's ; and who , in features , proportion and pledging , gives me so lively an idea of yourself , that i am resolv'd to retire into oxfordshire , and enjoy him till shiloe come , or you from france . rochester . ended the ● th of june , . to the honourable henry savile . harry , any kind of correspondence with such a friend as you , is very agreeable ; and therefore you will easily believe , i am very ill when i lose the opportunity of writing to you : but mr. povy comes into my mind , and hinders farther compliment : in a plainer way i must tell you , i pray for your hapyy restoration ; but was not at all sorry for your glorious disgrace , which is an honour , considering the cause . i wou'd say something to the serious part ( as you were pleas'd to call it ) of your former letter ; but it will disgrace my politicks to differ from yours , who have wrought now sometime under the best and keenest statesmen our cabinet boasts of : but , to confess the truth , my advice to the lady you wot of , has ever been this , take your measures just contrary to your rivals , live in peace with all the world , and easily with the king : never be so ill-natur'd to stir up his anger against others , but let him forget the use of a passion , which is never to do you good : cherish his love where-ever it inclines , and be assur'd you can't commit greater folly than pretending to be iealous ; but , on the contrary , with hand , body , head , heart and all the faculties you have , contribute to his pleasure all you can , and comply with his desires throughout : and , for new intrigues , so you be at one end , 't is no matter which : make sport when you can , at other times help it . — thus , i have giv'n you an account how unfit i am to give the advice you propos'd : besides this , you may judge , whether i was a good pimp , or no. but some thought otherwise ; and so truly i have renounc'd business ; let abler men try it . more a great deal i would say , but upon this subject ; and , for this time , i beg , this may suffice , from your humble and most affectionate faithful servant , rochester . to the honourable henry savile . dear savile , 't is not that i am the idlest creature living , and only chuse to imploy my thoughts rather upon my friends , than to languish all the day in the tediousness of doing nothing , that i write to you ; but owning , that ( tho' you excel most men in friendship and good nature ) you are not quite exempt from all human frailty , i send this to hinder you from forgetting a man who loves you very heartily . the world , ever since i can remember , has been still so insupportably the same , that 't were vain to hope there were any alterations ; and ther●fore i can have no curiosity for news ; only i wou'd be glad to know if the parliament be like to sit any time ; for the peers of england being grown of late years very considerable in the government , i wou'd make one at the session . livy and sickness has a little inclin'd me to policy ; when i come to town i make no question but to change that folly for some less ; whether wine or women i know not ; according as my constitution serves me : till when ( dear harry ) farewel ! when you dine at my lord lisle's let me be remembred . kings and princes are only as incomprehensible as what they pret●nd to represent ; but apparently as frail as those they govern. — this is a season of tribulation ; and i piously beg of almighty god , that the strict severity shewn to one scandalous sin amongst us , may expiate for all grievous calamities . — so help them god , whom it concerns ! to the honourable henry savile . harry , if sack and sugar be a sin , god help the wicked ; was the saying of a merry fat gentleman , who liv'd in days of yore , lov'd a glass of wine , wou'd be merry with a friend , and sometimes had an unlucky fancy for a wench . now ( dear mr. savile ) forgive me , if i confess , that , upon several occasions , you have put me in mind of this fat person , and now more particularly , for thinking upon your present circumstances , i cannot but say with myself , if loving a pretty woman , and hating lautherdale , bring banishments and pox , the lord have mercy upon poor thieves and s — s ! but , by this time , all your inconveniences ( for , to a man of your very good sence , no outward accidents are more ) draw very near their end ; for my own part , i 'm taking pains not to die , without knowing how to live on , when i have brought it about : but most human affairs are carried on at the same nonsensical rate , which makes me , ( who am now grown superstitious ) think it a fault to laugh at the monky we have here , when i compare his condition with mankind . you will be very good-natur'd if you keep your word , and write to me sometimes : and so good night , dear mr. savile . rochester . to the honourable henry savile . harry , whether love , wine , or wisdom , ( which rule you by turns ) have the present ascendant , i cannot pretend to determine at this distance ; but good-nature , which waits about you with more diligence than godfrey himself , is my security , that you are unmindful of your absent friends : to be from you , and forgotten by you at once , is a misfortune i never was criminal enough to merit , since to the black and fair countess , i villanously betray'd the daily addresses of your divided heart : you forgave that upon the first bottle , and upon the second , on my conscience , wou'd have renounc'd them and the whole sex ; oh! that second bottle ( harry ! ) is the sin●●rest , wisest , and most impartial downright friend we have ; tells us truth of o●rselves , and forces us to speak truths of others ; banishes flattery from our tongues , and distru●t from our hearts , sets us above the mean policy of court-prudence ; which makes us lie to one another all day , for fear of being betray'd by each other at night . and ( before god ) i believe , the errantest villain breathing , is honest as long as that bottle lives , and few of that tribe dare venture upon him , at least , among the courtiers and statesmen . i have seriously consider'd one thing , that the three businesses of this age , women , politicks , and drinking , the la●t is the only exercise at which you and i have not prov'd ourselves errant fumblers : if you have the vanity to think otherwise ; when we meet , let us appeal to friends of both sexes , and as they shall determine , live and die their drunkards , or entire lovers . for , as we mince the matter , it is hard to say which is the most tiresom creature , loving drunkard , or the drunken lov●r . if you ventur'd your fat buttock a gallop to portsmouth , i doubt not but thro' extream galling , you now lie bed-rid of the piles , or fistula in ano , and have the leisure to write to your country-acquaintance , which if you omit i shall take the liberty to conclude you very proud. such a letter shou'd be directed to me at adderbury , near banbury , where i intend to be within these three days . from your obedient humble servant , rochester . bath , the d of june . to the honourable henry savile . dear savile , whether love or the politicks have the greater interest in your journy to france , because it is argu'd among wiser men , i will not conclude upon ; but hoping so much from your friendship , that , without reserve , you will trust me with the time of your stay in paris , i have writ this to assure you , if it can continue a month , i will not fail to wait on you there . my resolutions are to improve this winter for the improvement of my parts in foreign countries , and if the temptation of seeing you , be added to the desires i have already , the sin is so sweet , that i am resolv'd to embrace it , and leave out of my prayers , libra nos a malo — for thine is , &c. rochester . oxford , septemb . . to the honourable henry savile . harry , 't is not the least of my happiness , that i think you love me ; but the first of all my pretensions is to make it appear , that i faithfully endeavour to deserve it . if there be a real good upon earth , 't is in the name of friend , without which all others are meer fantastical . how few of us are fit stuff to make that thing , we have daily the melancholly experience . however , dear harry ! let us not give out , nor despair of bringing that about , which , as it is the most difficult , and rare accident of life , is also the best ; nay , ( perhaps ) the only good one . this thought has so entirely possess'd me since i came into the country , ( where , only , one can think ; for , you at court think not at all ; or , at least , as if you were shut up in a drum ; as you think of nothing , but the noise that is made about you ) that i have made many serious reflections upon it , and , amongst others , gather'd one maxime , which i desire , shou'd be communicated to our friend mr. g — ; that , we are bound in morality and common honesty , to endeavour after competent riches ; since it is certain , that few men , if any , uneasie in their fortunes , have prov'd firm and clear in their friendships . a very poor fellow , is a very poor friend ; and not one of a thousand can be good natur'd to another , who is not pleas'd within himself . but while i grow into proverbs , i forget that you may impute my philosophy to the dog-days , and living alone . to prevent the inconveniences of solitude , and many others , i intend to go to the bath on sunday next , in visitation to my lord treasurer : be so politick , or be so kind , ( or a little of both , which is better ) as to step down thither , if famous affairs at windsor , do not de●tain you . dear harry ! i am your hearty , faithful , affectionate , humble servant , rochester . if you see the dutchess of p — very often , take some opportunity to talk to her about what i spoke to you at london . to the honourable henry savile ● dear savile , if it were the sign of an honest man , to be happy in his friends , sure i were mark'd out for the worst of men ; since no one e'er lost so many as i have done , or knew to make so few . the severity you say the dutchess of p — shews to me , is a proof , that 't is not in my power to deserve well of any-body ; since ( i call truth to witness ) i have never been guilty of an errour , that i know , to her : and this may be a warning to you , that remain in the mistake of being kind to me , never to expect a grateful return ; since i am so utterly ignorant how to make it : to value you in my thoughts , to prefer you in my wishes , to serve you in my words ; to observe , study , and obey you in all my actions , is too little ; since i have performed all this to her , without so much as an offensive accident . and yet she thinks it just , to use me ill . if i were not malicious enough to hope she were in the wrong ; i must have a very melancholly opinion of myself . i wish your interest might prevail with her , as a friend of her's , not mine , to tell how i have deserv'd it of her , since she has ne'r accus'd me of any crime , but of being cunning ; and i told her , somebody had been cunninger than i , to perswade her so . i can as well support the hatred of the whole world , as any-body , not being generally fond of it . those whom i have oblig'd , may use me with ingratitude , and not afflict me much : but to be injur'd by those who have oblig'd me , and to whose service i am ever bound ; is such a curse , as i can only wish on them who wrong me to the dutchess . i hope you have not forgot what g — y and you have promis'd me ; but within some time you will come and fetch me to london : i shall scarce think of coming , till you call me , as not having many prevalent motives to draw me to the court , if it be so that my master has no need of my service , nor my friends of my company . mr. shepheard is a man of a fluent stile and coherent thought ; if , as i suspect , he writ your postscript . i wish my lord hallifax joy of every thing , and of his daughter to boot . rochester . to the honourable henry savile . harry , you , who have known me these ten years the grievance of all prudent persons , the by-word of statesmen , the scorn of ugly ladies , which are very near all , and the irreconcilable aversion of fine gentlemen , who are the ornamental part o● a nation , and yet found me seldom sad , even under these weighty oppressions ; can you think that the loving of lean arms , small legs , red eyes and nose , ( if you will consider that trifle too ) can have the power to depress the natural alacrity of my careless soul ; especially upon receiving a fine letter from mr. savile , which never wants wit and good-nature , two qualities able to transport my heart with joy , tho it were breaking ? i wonder at m — 's flaunting it in court with such fine clothes ; sure he is an alter'd person since i saw him ; for , since i can remember , neither his ownself , nor any belonging to him , were ever out of rags : his page alone was well cloath'd of all his family , and that but in appearance ; for , of late he has made no more of w●aring second-hand c — t s , than second-hand shooes ; tho' i must confess , to his honour , he chang'd 'em oftener . i wish the king were soberly advis'd about a main advantage in this marriage , which may possibly be omitted ; i mean , the ridding his kingdom of some old beauties and young deformities , who swam , and are a grievance to his liege people . a foreign prince ought to behave himself like a kite , who is allow'd to take one royal chick for his reward ; but then 't is expected , before he leaves the country , his flock shall clear the whole parish of all the garbage and carrion many miles about . the king had never such an opportunity ; for the dutch are very ●oul feeders , and what they leave he must never hope to be rid of , unless he set up an intrigue with the tartars or cossacks . for the libel you speak of , upon that most unwitty generation , the present poets , i rejoyce in it with all my heart , and shall take it for a favour , if you will send me a copy . he cannot want wit utterly , that has a spleen to those rogues , tho' never so dully express'd . and now , dear mr. savile , forgive me , if i do not wind up my self with an handsom period . rochester . to the honourable henry savile . dear savile , tho' i am almost blind , utterly lame , and scarce within the reasonable hopes of ever seeing london again , i am not yet so wholly mortified and dead to the taste of all happiness , not to be extreamly reviv'd at the receipt of a kind letter from an old friend , who in all probability might have laid me aside in his thoughts , if not quite forgot me by this time . i ever thought you an extraordinary man , and must now think you such a friend , who , being a courtier , as you are , can love a man whom it is the great mode to hate . catch sir g. h. or sir carr , at such an ill-bred proceeding , and i am mistaken : for the hideous deportment , which you have heard of , concerning running naked , so much is true , that we went into the river somewhat late in the year , and had a frisk for forty yards in the meadow , to dry ourselves . i will appeal to the king and the duke , if they had not done as much ; nay , may lord-chancellor and the archbishops both , when they were school-boys ? and , at these years , i have heard the one declaim'd like cicero , the others preach'd like st. austin : prudenter persons , i conclude , they were , ev'n in hanging-sleeves , than any of the flashy fry , ( of which i must own myself the most unsolid ) can hope to appear , ev'n in their ripest manhood . and now , ( mr. savile ) since you are pleas'd to quote yourself for a grave man of the number of the scandaliz'd , be pleas'd to call to mind the year , when two large fat nudities led the coranto round rosamond's fair fountain , while the poor violated nymph wept to behold the strange decay of manly parts , since the days of her dear harry the second : p — ( 't is confess'd ) you shew'd but little of ; but for a — and b — , ( a filthier ostentation ! god wot ) you expos'd more of that nastiness in your two folio volumes , than we altogether in our six quarto's . pluck therefore the beam out of thine own eye , &c. and now 't is time to thank you for your kind inviting me to london , to make dutch-m●n merry ; a thing i would avoid , like killing punaises , the filthy savour of dutch-mirth being more terrible . if god , in mercy , has made 'em hush and melancholly , do not you rouze their sleeping mirth , to make the town mourn ; the prince of orange is exalted above 'em , and i cou'd wish my self in town to serve him in some refin'd pleasures ; which , i fear , you are too much a dutch-man to think of . the best present i can make at this time is the bearer , whom i beg you to take care of , that the king may hear his tunes , when he is easie and private , because i am sure they will divert him extreamly : and may he ever have harmony in his mind , as this fellow will pour it into his ears : may he dream pleasantly , wake joyfully , love safely and tenderly , live long and happily ; ever prays ( dear savile ) un bougre lasse qui era toute sa foutue reste de vie , vostre fidelle , amy & tres humble serviteur , rochester . to the honourable henry savile . harry , that night i receiv'd by yours the surprizing account of my lady dutchess's more than ordinary indignation against me , i was newly brought in dead of a fall from my horse , of which i still remain bruis'd and bedrid , and can now scarce think it a happiness that i sav'd my neck . what ill star reigns over me , that i 'm still mark'd out for ingratitude , and only us'd barbarously to those i am oblig'd to ! had i been troublesom to her in pinning the dependance of my fortune upon her solicitations to the king , or her unmerited recommendations of me to some great man ; it would not have mov'd my wonder much , if she had sought any occasion to be rid of a useless trouble : but , a creature , who had already receiv'd of her all the obligations he ever could pretend to , except the continuance of her good opinion , for the which he resolv'd , and did direct every step of his life in duty and service to her , and all who were concern'd in her ; why should she take the advantage of a false idle story , to hate such a man ; as if it were an inconvenience to her to be harmless , or a pain to continue just ? by that god that made me , i have no more offended her in thought , word , or deed , no more imagin'd or utter'd the least thought to her contempt or prejudice , than i have plotted treason , conceal'd arms , train'd regiments for a rebellion . if there be upon earth a man of common honesty , who will justifie a tittle of her accusation , i am contented never to s●● her . after this , she need not forbid me to come to her , i have little pride or pleasure in shewing myself where i am accus'd of a m●anness i were not capable of , even for her service , which would prove a shrewder tryal of my honesty than any ambition i ever had to make my court to . i thought the dutchess of p — more an angel than i find her a woman ; and as this is the first , it shall be the most malicious thing i will ever say of her . for her generous resolution of not hurting me to the king , i thank her ; but she must think a man much oblig'd , after the calling of him knave , to say she will do him no farther prejudice . for the countess of p — , whatever she has heard me say , or any body else , of her , i 'll stand the test of any impartial judge , 't was neither injurious nor unmannerly ; and how severe soever she pleases to be , i have always been her humble servant , and will continue so . i do not know how to assure myself the d. will spare me to the king , who would not to you ; i 'm sure she can't say i ever injur'd you to her ; nor am i at all afraid she can hurt me with you ; i dare swear you don't think i have dealt so indiscreetly in my service to her , as to doubt me in the friendship i profess to you . and , to shew you i rely upon yours , let me beg of you to talk once more with her , and desire her to give me the fair hearing she wou'd afford any footman of hers , who had been complain'd of to her by a less-worthy creature , ( for such a one , i assure myself , my accuser is ) unless it be for her service , to wrong the most faithful of her servants ; and then i shall be proud of mine . i would not be run down by a company of rogues , and this looks like an endeavour towards it : therefore ( dear harry ) send me word , how i am with other folks ; if you visit my lord treasurer , name the calamity of this matter to him , and tell me sincerely how he takes it : and , if you hear the king mention me , do the office of a friend , to your humble servant , rochester . to the honourable henry savile . dear savile , the lowsiness of affairs in this place , is such ( forgive the unmannerly phrase ! expressions must descend to the nature of things express'd ) 't is not fit to entertain a private gentleman , much less one of a publick character , with the retail of them , the general heads , under which this whole island may be consider'd , are spies , beggars and rebels , the transpositions and mixtures of these , make an agreeable variety ; busie fools and cautious knaves are bred out of 'em , and set off wonderfully ; tho' of this latter sort , we have fewer now than ever , hypocrisie being the only vice in decay amongst us , few men here dissemble their being rascals ; and no woman disowns being a whore. mr. o — was try'd two days ago for buggery , and clear'd : the next day he brought his action to the kings-bench , against his accuser , being attended by the earl of shaftsbury , and other peers , to the number of seven , for the honour of the protestant cause . i have sent you herewith a libel , in which my own share is not the least ; the king having perus'd it , is no ways dissatisfied with his : the author is apparent mr. — , his patron my l — having a panegerick in the midst ; upon which happen'd a handsom quarrel between his l — , and mrs. b — at the dutchess of p — ; she call'd him , the heroe of the libel , and complimented him upon having made more cuckolds , than any man alive ; to which he answer'd , she very well knew one he never made , nor never car'd to be imploy'd in making . — rogue and bitch ensued , till the king , taking his grand-father's character upon him , became the peace-maker . i will not trouble you any longer , but beg you still to love your faithful , humble servant , rochester . to the honourable henry savile . harry , you are the only man of england , that keep wit with your wisdom ; and i am happy in a friend that excels in both , were your good nature the least of your good qualities , i durst not presume upon it , as i have done ; but i know you are so sincerely concern'd in serving your friends truly , that i need not make an apology for the trouble i have given you in this affair . i daily expect more considerable effects of your friendship , and have the vanity to think , i shall be the better for your growing poorer . in the mean time , when you please to distinguish from prosers and windham , and comply with rosers and bull , not forgetting iohn stevens , you shall find me your most ready and most obedient servant , rochester . the end of the late earl of rochester's letters . the e. of l — 's letter to the honourable algernoon sidney . disuse of writing hath made it uneasie to me , age makes it hard , and the weakness of sight and hand , makes it almost impossible . this may excuse me to every-body , and particularly to you , who have not invited me much unto it , but rather have given me cause to think , that you were willing to save me the labour of writing , and yourself the trouble of reading my letters : for , after you had left me sick , solitary and sad , at penshurst , and that you had resolved to undertake the employment wherein you have lately been , you neither came to give me a farewel , nor did so much as send one to me , but only writ a wrangling letter or two concerning mony , and hoskins , and sir robert honywood's horse ; and though both before and after your going out of england , you writ to divers other persons , the first letter that i received from you , was dated , as i remember , the th of september ; the second in november , wherein you take notice of your mother's death ; and if there were one more , that was all , until mr. sterry came , who made such haste from penshurst , that coming very late at night , he would not stay to dine the next day , nor to give me time to write . it is true , that since the change of affairs here , and of your condition there , your letters have been more frequent ; and if i had not thought my silence better both ●or you and myself , i would have written more than once or twice unto you ; but though , for some reasons , i did forb●ar , i failed not to desire others to write unto you , and with their own , to convey the best advice that my little intelligence and weak judgment cou'd af●ord ; particularly not to expect new authorities nor orders from hence , not to stay in any of the places of your negotiation , not to come into england , much less to expect a ship to be sent for you ; or to think , that an account was , or wou'd be expected of you here , unless it were of matters very different from your transactions there ; that it wou'd be best for you presently to divest yourself of the character of a publick minister , to dismiss all your train , and to retire into some safe place , not very near nor very far from england , that you might hear from your friends sometimes . and for this i advis'd hamburgh , where i hear you are , by your man powel , or by them that have received letters from you , with presents of wine and fish , which i do not reproach nor envy . your last letter to me had no date of time or place ; but , by another at the same time to sir iohn temple , of the th of iuly , as i remember , sent by mr. missonden , i guess that mine was of the same date : by those that i have had , i perceive that you have been misadvertiz'd ; for though i meet with no effects nor marks of displeasure , yet i find no such tokens or fruits of favour , as may give me either power or credit for those under●akings and good offices , which , perhaps , you expect of me . and now i am again upon the point of retiring to my poor habitation , having for myself no other design , than to pass the small remainder of my days innocently and quietly ; and , if it please god , to be gathered in peace to my fathers . and concerning you , what to resolve in myself , or what to advise you , truly i know not : for , you must give me leav● to remember of how little weig● 〈◊〉 ●pinions and counsels have bee●●ith you , and how unkindly and unfriendly you have rejected those exhortations and admonitions , which in much affection and kindness i have given you upon many occasions , and in almost every thing , from the highest to the lowest , that hath concerned you ; and this you may think sufficient to discourage me from putting my advices into the like danger : yet , somewhat i will say : and , first , i think it unfit , and ( perhaps ) as yet , unsafe for you to come into england ; for , i believe , powel hath told you , that he heard , when he was here , that you were likely to be excepted out of the general act of pardon and oblivion : and though i know not what you have done or said here or there , yet i have several ways heard , that there is as ill an opinion of you , as of any , even of those that condemned the late king : and when i thought there was no other exception to you , than your being of the other party , i spoke to the general in your behalf , who told me , that very ill offices had been done you , but he would assist you as much as justly he could ; and i intended then also to speak to some-body else , you may guess whom i mean : but , since that , i have heard such things of you , that in the doubtfulness only of their being true , no man will open his mouth for you . i will tell you some passages , and you shall do well to clear yourself of them . it is said , that the university of copenhagen brought their album unto you , desiring you to write something therein , and that you did scribere in albo these words , manus haec inimica tyrannis , ense petit placida cum libertate quietem : and put your name to it . this cannot chuse but be publickly known , if it be true . it is said also , that a minister , who hath married a lady laurence here of chelsey , but now dwelling at copenhagen , being there in company with you , said , i think you were none of the late king's judges , nor guilty of his death , meaning our king. guilty ! said you ; do you call that guilt ? why , 't was the justest and bravest action that ever was done in england , or any where else ; with other words to the same effect . it is said also , that you having heard of a design to seize upon you , or to cause you to be taken prisoner , you took notice of it to the king of denmark himself , and said , i hear there is a design to seize upon me : but who is it that hath that design ? est●e nostre bandit . by which you are understood to mean the king. besides this , it is reported , that you have been heard to say many scornful and contemptuous things of the king's person and family ; which , unless you can justifie yourself , will hardly be forgiven or ●orgotten : for , such personal offences make deeper impressions than publick actions either of war or treaty . here is a resident , as he calls himself , of the king of denmark , whose name ( as i hear ) is pedcombe ; he hath visited me , and offered his readiness to give you any assistance in his power or credit with the embassadour , mr. alfield , who was then expected , and is now arrived here , and hath had his first audience . i have not seen mr. pedcombe since ; but , within a few days i will put him in mind of his profession of friendship to you , and try what he can or will do . sir robert honywood is also come hither ; and , as i hear , the king is graciously pleased to admit him to his presence , which will be somewhat the better for you , because then the exceptions against your employment and negotiation , wherein you were colleague , will be removed , and you will have no more to answer for , than your own particular behaviour . i believe sir robert honywood will be industrious enough to procure satisfaction to the merchants in the business of mony , wherein he will have the assistance of sir iohn temple ; to whom i refer you for that and some other things . i have little to say to your complaints of your sister strayford's unequal returns to your affection and kindness , but that i am sorry for it , and that you are well enough serv'd for bestowing so much of your care where it was not due , and neglecting them to whom it was due , and i hope you will be wiser hereafter . she and her husband have not yet paid the thousand pounds , whereof you are to have your part , by my gift ; for so , i think , you are to understand it , tho' your mother desired it ; and if for the payment thereof your being in england , or in some place not far off , be necessary , as some pretend , for the sealing of some writings , i think that , and other reasons , sufficient to perswade you to stay a while where you are , that you may hear frequently from your friends , and they from you . i am wholly against your going into italy as yet , till more may be known of your condition , which , for the present , is hard ; and , i confess , that i do not yet see any more than this , that either you must live in exile , or very privately here ; and ( perhaps ) not safely ; for though the bill of indemnity be lately passed , yet if there be any particular and great displeasure against you , as i fear there is , you may feel the effects thereof from the higher powers , and receive affronts from the inferiour : therefore you were best to stay at hamburgh , which , for a northern situation , is a good place , and healthful . i will help you as much as i can in discovering and informing you of what concerns you ; though , as i began , so i must end , with telling you , that writing is now grown troublesome to your affectionate le — london , aug. . . the honourable algernoon sidney's letter , against bribery , and arbitrary government . written to his friends , in answer to theirs , perswading his return to england . sir , i am sorry i cannot in all things conform myself to the advices of my friends ; if theirs had any joint concernment with mine , i would willingly submit my interest to theirs ; but when i alone am interested , and they only advise me to come over as soon as the act of indemnity is pass'd , because they think it is best for me , i cannot wholly lay aside my own judgment and choice . i confess , we are naturally inclin'd to delight in our own country , and i have a particular love to mine ; i hope i have given some testimony of it ; i think that being exil'd from it is a great evil , and would redeem myself from it with the loss of a great deal of my blood : but when that country of mine , which us'd to be esteem'd a paradise , is now like to be made a stage of injury , the liberty which we hoped to establish oppress'd , all manner of prophaneness , loosness , luxury and lewdness set up in its heighth ; instead of the piety , virtue , sobriety , and modesty , which we hoped god , by our hands , would have introduc'd ; the best of our nation made a prey to the worst ; the parliament , court and army corrupted , the people enslav'd , all things vendible , and no man safe , but by such evil and infamous means as flattery and bribery ; what joy can i have in my own country in this condition ? is it a pleasure to see all that i love in the world sold and destroy'd ? shall i renounce all my old principles , learn the vile court-arts , and make my peace by bribing some of them ? shall their corruption and vice be my safety ? ah! no ; better is a life among strangers , than in my own country upon such conditions . whil'st i live , i will endeavour to preserve my liberty ; or , at least , not consent to the destroying of it . i hope i shall die in the same principle in which i have lived , and will live no longer than they can preserve me . i have in my life been guilty of many follies , but , as i think of no meanness , i will not blot and defile that which is past , by endeavouring to provide for the future . i have ever had in my mind , that when god should cast me into such a condition , as that i cannot save my life , but by doing an indecent thing , he shews me the time is come wherein i should resign it . and when i cannot live in my own country , but by such means as are worse than dying in it , i think he shews me , i ought to keep myself out of it . let them please themselves with making the king glorious , who think a whole people may justly be sacrific'd for the interest and pleasure of one man , and a few of his followers : let them rejoice in their subtilty , who , by betraying the former , powers , have gain'd the favour of this , not only preserv'd , but advanc'd themselves in these dangerous changes . nevertheless ( perhaps ) they may find the king's glory is their shame , his plenty the peoples misery ; and that the gaining of an office , or a little mony , is a poor reward for destroying a nation ! ( which , if it were preserved in liberty and vertue , would truly be the most glorious in the world ) and that others may find they have , with much pains , purchas'd their own shame and misery , a dear price paid for that which is not worth keeping , nor the life that is accompanied with it ; the honour of english parliaments have ever been in making the nation glorious and happy , not in selling and destroying the interest of it , to satisfie , the lusts of one man. miserable nation ! that , from so great a heighth of glory , is fallen into the most despicable condition in the world , of having all its good depending upon the breath and will of the vilest persons in it ! cheated and sold by them they trusted ! infamous traffick , equal almo●t in guilt to that of iudas ! in all preceeding ages , parliaments have been the pillars of our liberty , the sure defenders of the oppressed : they , who formerly could bridle kings , and keep the ballance equal between them and the people , are now become the instruments of all our oppressions , and a sword in his hand to destroy us : they themselves , led by a few interested persons , who are willing to buy offices for themselves by the misery of the whole nation , and the blood of the most worthy and eminent persons in it . detestable bribes , worse than the oaths now in fashion in this mercenary court ! i mean , to owe neither my life nor liberty to any such means ; when the innocence of my actions will not protect me , i will stay away till the storm be overpass'd . in short , where vane , lambert and haslerigg cannot live in safety , i cannot live at all . if i had been in england , i should have expected a lodging with them ; or , tho' they may be the first , as being more eminent than i , i must expect to follow their example , in suffering , as i have been their companion in acting . i am most in amaze at the mistaken informations that were sent to me by my friends , full of expectations , of favours , and employments . who can think , that they , who imprison them , would employ me , or suffer me to live , when they are put to death ? if i might live , and be employ'd , can it be expected that i should serve a government that seeks such detestable ways of establishing itself ? ah! no ; i have not learnt to make my own peace , by persecuting and betraying my brethren , more innocent and worthy than myself : i must live by just means , and serve to just ends , or not at all , after such a manifestation of the ways by which it is intended the king shall govern . i should have renounced any place of favour into which the kindness and industry of my friends might have advanc'd me , when i found those that were better than i , were only fit to be destroy'd . i had formerly some jealousies , the fraudulent proclamation for indemnity , encreas'd the imprisoning of those three men ; and turning out of all the officers of the army , contrary to promise , confirm'd me in my resolutions , not to return . to conclude , the tide is not to be diverted , nor the oppress'd deliver'd ; but god , in his time , will have mercy on his people ; he will save and defend them , and avenge the blood of those who shall now perish , upon the heads of those , who , in their pride , think nothing is able to oppose them . happy are those whom god shall make instruments of his justice in so blessed a work. if i can live to see that day , i shall be ripe for the grave , and able to say with joy , lord ! now lettest thou thy servant depart in peace , &c. [ so sir arthur haslerigg on oliver's death . ] farewel ; my thoughts , as to king and state , depending upon their actions . no man shall be a more faithful servant to him than i , if he make the good and prosperity of his people his glory ; none more his enemy , if he doth the contrary . to my particular friends i shall be constant in all occasions , and to you a most affectionate servant , a. sidney . a letter by another hand . to madam — i have news to tell you : you got a new subject yesterday ; tho' , after all , ( perhaps ) it is no more news to you , than it would be to the grand seignior , or the french king : for you ( madam ) either find or make subjects where-ever you go . it is impossible to see you , without surrendring one's heart to you ; and he that hears you talk , and can still preserve his liberty , may ( for ought i know ) revive the miracle of the three children in daniel , and call for a chamlet cloak to keep him warm in the midst of a fiery furnace . but really ( madam ) i am none of those miracle-mongers ; i am true flesh and blood , like the rest of my sex ; and , as i make no scruple to own my passion to you , so you ( madam ) without incurring the danger of being question'd by the parliament , may pretend to all the rights and priviledges of a conqueror . my comfort is , that all mankind , sooner or later , must wear your chainr ; for you have beauty enough to engage the nicest heart , though you had no wit to set it off : and you have so plentiful a share of the last , that were you wholly destitute of the former , as i have already found to my cost , you have but too much , you could not fail of harming the most insensible . for my own part , i confess myself an admirer , or , if you please , an adorer of your beauty : but i am a slave , a meer downright effectual slave to your wit. your very conversation is infinitely more delicious than the fruition of any other woman . thus , my charming sovereign , i here profess myself your devoted vassal and subject . i promise you eternal duty and allegiance : it is neither in my power nor will to depose you ; and i am sure it is not in your nature to affect arbitrary sway. tho' if you do , ( madam ) god knows , i am a true church of england-man ; i shall never rebel against you in act or thought , but only have recourse to prayers and tears , and still stick to my passive obedience . perhaps , madam , you 'll tell me , i have talked more than comes to my share ; but , being incognito , i assume the liberty of a masquerader , and , under that protection , think myself safe . but , alas , did you know how i languish for you , i dare swear ( my charming sylvia ! ) you would bestow some pity upon amyntas . to madam — i have never had the happiness of your conversation but once , and then i found you so very charming , that i have wore your lovely idea ever since in my mind . but it is not without the least astonishment , that i receiv'd the news of what befel you t'other day ; it still makes me tremble , and leaves a dismal impression behind it , not easie to be imagin'd . for heaven's sake , madam , what could urge you to so cruel a resolution , that might have prov'd irreparably fatal to yourself , and matter of perpetual affliction to your friends ? what harm have i , and a thousand more of your adorers done you , that you should so terribly revenge the supposed infidelity of another upon them ? or , why should you , whom beauty and wit have put in a capacity to subdue our whole sex , lay to heart the unkindness of one lover , who may proceed to a new election when you please ? if i had vanity enough to aspire to be your privy-counsellour , i wou'd e'en advise you to bury the remembrance of what is past , and either to punish all mankind , as you easily may , though i need not instruct you how ; or else to chuse some happy favourite out of the throng of your servants , and showre your favours upon him . if sincerity and truth may bid for the purchase of your heart , i can help you to one that thoroughly understands your worth , and accordingly values it ; that would be damn'd before he would abandon you for the greatest princess in the universe ; that would chearfully die for your sake , and yet only lives out of hopes , that he may one day merit your esteem by his services . i fancy , madam , you now demand of me , where this strange monster of fidelity is to be found ? know then , that he lives within less than a hundred miles of red-lyon-square ; and that his name is , ( oh! pardon the insolence of this discovery ) his name is amyntas , there is another letter that accompanies this , and was written a week ago ; which i had not courage enough to lay at your feet till now . love-letters , by mr. thomas otway . to madam — my tyrant ! i endure too much torment to be silent , and have endur'd it too long not to make the severest complaint . i love you , i dote on you ; desire makes me mad , when i am near you ; and despair , when i am from you . sure , of all miseries , love is to me the most intolerable ; it haunts me in my sleep , perplexes me when waking ; every melancholly thought makes my fears more powerful ; and every delightful one makes my wishes more unruly . in all other uneasie chances of a man's life , there is an immediate recourse to some kind of succour or another : in wants , we apply ourselves to our friends ; in sickness , to physicians : but love , the sum , the total of all misfortunes , must be endur'd with silence , no friend so dear to trust with such a secret , nor remedy in art so powerful , to remove its anguish . since the first day i saw you , i have hardly enjoy'd one hour of perfect quiet : i lov'd you early ; and no sooner had i beheld that soft bewitching face of yours , but i felt in my heart the very foundation of all my peace give way : but when you became anothers , i must confess , that i did then rebel , had foolish pride enough to promise myself , i would in time recover my liberty : in spight of my enslav'd nature , i swore against myself , i would not love you : i affected a resentment , stifled my spirit , and would not let it bend , so much as once to upbraid you , each day it was my chance to see or to be near you : with stubborn sufferance i resolv'd to bear and brave your power ; nay , did it often too , successfully , generally with wine or conversation i diverted or appeas'd the daemon that possess'd me ; but when at night , returning to my unhappy self , to give my heart an account why i had done it so unnatural a violence , it was then i always paid a treble interest for the short moments of ease which i had borrow'd ; then every treacherous thought rose up , and took your part , nor left me till they had thrown me on my bed , and open'd those sluces of tears that were to run till morning . this has been for some years my best condition : nay , time itself , that decays all things else , has but encreas'd and added to my longings . i tell it you , and charge you to believe it as you are generous , ( which sure you must be , for every thing except your neglect of me , perswades me that you are so ) even at this time , tho' other arms have held you , and so long trespass'd on those dear joys that only were my due ; i love you with that tenderness of spirit , that purity of truth , and that sincerity of heart , that i could sacrifice the nearest friends or interests i have on earth , barely but to please you : if i had all the world , it should be yours ; for with it i could be but miserable , if you were not mine . i appeal to yourself for justice , if through the whole actions of my life i have done any one thing that might not let you see how absolute your authority was over me . your commands have been always sacred to me ; your smiles have always transported me , and your frowns aw'd me . in short , you will quickly become to me the greatest blessing , or the greatest curse , that ever man was doom'd to . i cannot so much as look on you without confusion ; wishes and fears rise up in war within me , and work a curs'd distraction through my soul , that must , i am sure , in time have wretched consequences : you only can , with that healing cordial , love , asswage and calm my torments ; pity the man then that would be proud to die for you , and cannot live without you , and allow him thus far to boast too , that ( take out fortune from the ballance ) you never were belov'd or courted by a creature that had a nobler or juster pretence to your heart , than the unfortunate and ( even at this time ) weeping otway . to madam — in value of your quiet , tho' it would be the utter ruine of my own , i have endeavoured this day to perswade myself never more to trouble you with a passion that has tormented me sufficiently already , and is so much the more a torment to me , in that i perceive it is become one to you , who are much dearer to me than my self . i have laid all the reasons my distracted condition would let me have recourse to , before me : i have consulted my pride , whether a●ter a rival's possession i ought to ruine all my peace for a woman that another has been more blest in , tho' no man ever loved as i did : but love , victorious love , o'erthrows all that , and tells me , it is his nature never to remember ; he still looks forward from the present hour● expecting still new dawns , new rising happiness , never looks back , never regards what is past , and left behind him , but buries and forgets it quite in the hot fierce pursuit of joy before him : i have consulted too my very self , and find how careless nature was in framing me ; seasoned me hastily with all the most violent inclinations and desires , but omitted the ornaments that should make those qualities become me : i have consulted too my lot of fortune , and find how foolishly i wish possession of what is so precious , all the world 's too cheap for it ; yet still i love , still i dote on , and cheat myself , very content because the folly pleases me . it is pleasure to think how fair you are , tho' at the same time worse than damnation , to think how cruel : why should you tell me you have shut your heart up for ever ? it is an argument unworthy of yourself , sounds like reserve , and not so much sincerity , as sure i may claim even from a little of your friendship . can your age , your face , your eyes , and your spirit bid defiance to that sweet power ? no , you know better to what end heaven made you , know better how to manage youth and pleasure , then to let them die and pall upon your hands . 't is me , 't is only me you have barr'd your heart against . my sufferings , my diligence , my sighs , complaints , and tears are of no power with your haughty nature ; yet sure you might at least vouchsafe to pity them , not shift me off with gross , thick , home-spun friendship , the common coin that passes betwixt worldly interests : must that be my lot ! take it ill-natur'd , take it ; give it to him who would waste his fortune for you ; give it the man would fill your lap with gold ; court you with offers of vast rich possessions ; give it the fool that has nothing but his mony to plead for him ; love will have a much nearer relation , or none . i ask for glorious happiness ; you bid me welcome to your friendship , it is like seating me at your side-table , when i have the best pretence to your right-hand at the feast . i love , i doat , i am mad , and know no measure ; nothing but extreams can give me ease ; the kindest love , or most provoking scorn : yet even your scorn would not perform the cure , it might indeed take off the edge of hope , but damn'd despair will gnaw my heart for ever . if then i am not odious to your eyes , if you have charity enough to value the well-being of a man that holds you dearer than you can the child your bowels are most fond of , by that sweet ●ledge of your first softest love , i charm and here conjure you to pity the distracting pangs of mine ; pity my unquiet days and restless nights ; pity the frenzy that has half possest my brain already , and makes me write to you thus ravingly : the wretch in bedlam is more at peace than i am ! and , if i must never possess the heaven i wish for , my next desire is , ( and the sooner the better ) a clean-swept cell , a merciful keeper , and your compassion when you find me there . think and be generous . to madam — since you are going to quit the world , i think myself obliged , as a member of that world , to use the best of my endeavours to divert you from so ill-natur'd an inclination ; therefore , by reason your visits will take up so much of this day , i have debarr'd myself the opportunity of waiting on you this afternoon , that i may take a time you are more mistress of , and when you shall have more leisure to hear , if it be possible for any arguments of mine to take place in a heart , i am afraid too much harden'd against me : i must confess it may look a little extraordinary for one under my circumstances to endeavour the confirming your good opinion of the world , when it had been much better for me , one of us had never seen it : for nature disposed me from my creation to love , and my ill fortune has condemn'd me to doat on one , who certainly could never have been deaf so long to so faithfull a passion , had nature disposed her from her creation to hate any thing but me . i beg you to forgive this trifling , for i have so many thoughts of this nature , that 't is impossible for me to take pen and ink in my hand , and keep 'em quiet , especially when i have the least pretence to let you know you are the cause of the severest disquiets that ever touch'd the heart of otway . to madam — could i see you without passion , or be absent from you without pain , i need not beg your pardon for this renewing my vows , that i love you more than health , or any happiness here or hereafter . every thing you do is a new charm to me ; and though i have languish'd for seven long tedious years of desire , jealously and despairing ; yet , every minute i see you , i still discover something new and more bewitching . consider how i love you ; what would not renounce , or enterprize for you ? i must have you mine , or i am miserable ; and nothing but knowing which shall be the happy hour , can make the rest of my life that are to come tolerable . give me a word or two of comfort , or resolve never to look with common goodness on me more , for i cannot bear a kind look , and after it a cruel denial . this minute my heart akes for you ; and , if i cannot have a right in yours , i wish it would ake till i could complain to you no longer . remember poor otway . to madam — you cannot but be sensible , that i am blind , or you would not so openly discover what a ridiculous tool you make of me . i should be glad to discover whose satisfaction i was sacrific'd to this morning ; for i am sure your own ill nature could not be guilty of inventing such an injury to me , meerly to try how much i could bear , were it not for the sake of some ass , that has the fortune to please you : in short , i have made it the bus'ness of my life to do you service , and please you , if possible , by any way to convince you of the unhappy love i have for seven years toil'd under ; and your whole bus'ness is to pick ill-natur'd conjectures out of my harmless freedom of conversation , to vex and gall me with , as often as you are pleased to divert yourself at the expence of my quiet . oh , thou tormenter ! could i think it were jealousie , how should i humble myself to be justify'd ; but i cannot bear the thought of being made a property either of another man 's good fortune , or the vanity of a woman that designs nothing but to plague me . there may be means found sometime or other , to let you know your mistaking . to madam — you were pleased to send me word you would meet me in the mall this evening , and give me further satisfaction in the matter you were so unkind to charge me with ; i was there , but found you not , and therefore beg of you , as you ever would wish yourself to be eased of the highest torment it were possible for your nature to be sensible of , to let me see you sometime to morrow , and send me word , by this bearer , where , and at what hour , you will be so just , as either to acquit or condemn me ; that i may , hereafter , for your sake , either bless all your bewitching sex ; or , as often as i henceforth think of you , curse woman-kind for ever . mr. — to mr. g — dear g — , as i hope to be sav'd , and that 's a bold word in a morning , when our consciences , like children , are always most uneasie ; when the light of nature flashes upon us with the light of the day , and makes way for the calm return of thought , that eternal foe to quiet ; but , i thank my stars , i have shook that snake out of my bosom , and made peace with that domestick enemy conscience , and so much the more dangerous by being so — — but , as i was going to say , your letter has put new life into me , and reviv'd me from the damp , that solitude and bad company has flung me into ; 't is as hard to find a man of sense here , as a handsom woman : a company of country ' squires round a table , is like a company of waiters round a dead corps , they are always ridiculously sober and grave , or , which is worse , impertinently loud : wine , that makes the gay man of the town brisk and sprightly , only serves to pluck off their vail of bashfulness , a mask that fools ought always to wear ; and which , once off , makes 'em as nauseous , as a bare-fac'd lady of the pit ; they are as particular in their stories , as a lawyer in his evidence , and husband their tales , as well as they do their moneys : in short , as madam olivia says , they are my aversion of all aversions . you may easily imagine , i have too much of the men , but on my word , i have too little of the women : full of youth , vigour and health i lye fallow , and , like the vestal virgins , am damn'd to coldness and chastity in the midst of flames . god knows what hard shifts i use , my right-hand often does , what ( like acts of charity ) i 'm asham'd my left-hand shou'd know . as much as i despise the conversation of these fops , i court it out of an apprehension of being alone , not daring to trust myself to so dangerous a companion as myself . 't is in these cool intervals of solitude , that we conspire cuckoldom against our friend , treason against the state , &c. for the devil of lust and ambition , like other evil spirits , only appears to us when we are alone . the talking of the devil , puts me in mind of the parsons : i had the benefit of the clergy this week ; i mean the company of two honest unbigotted parsons ; i drank a bowl to the manes of our immortal friend , one that was as witty as necessity , and discover'd more truths , than ever time did : one that was born to unchain the world , that struggl'd with mysteries as hercules did with monsters , and , like him , too fell by a distaff . after so mournful a subject , i'gad i 'll make you laugh — the duce take me , if i did not , last week , assist at the ceremony of making a christian ; nay , more sir , i was , honos sit auribus , a godfather , who am your affectionate friend , and servant , &c. mons. boileav's letters , translated by tho. cheek , esq to the duke de vivone , upon his entrance into the haven of messina . my lord , know you not , that one of the surest ways , to hinder a man from being pleasant , is , to bid him be so : since you fo●bad me being serious , i never found myself so grave , and i speak nothing now but sentences . and , besides , your last action has something in it so great , that truly it would go against my conscience to write to you of it otherwise , than in the heroick style : however , i cannot resolve , not to obey you , in all , that you command me ; so that in the humour that i find myself , i am equally afraid to tire you with a serious tri●le , or to trouble you with an ill piece of wit. in fine , my apollo has assisted me this morning , and in the time that i thought the least of it , made me find upon my pillow , two letters , which , for want of mine , may perhaps give you an agreeable amusement : they are dated from the elysian fields ; the one is from balzac , and the other from voiture , who being both charm'd with the relation of your last fight , write to you from the other world , to congratulate you . this is that from balzac ; you will easily know it to be his by his style , which cannot express things simply , nor des●end from its heighth . from the elysian fields , june the d . my lord , the report of your actions , revives the dead ; it wakens those , who have slept these thirty years , and were condemn'd to an eternal sleep ; it makes silence itself speak : the brave ! the splendid ! the glorious conquest that you have made over the enemies of france ! you have restored bread to a city , which has been accustom'd to furnish it to all others : you have nourish'd the nursing mother of italy ; the thunder of that fleet , which shut you up the avenues of its port , has done no more than barely saluted your entrance ; its resistance has detained you no longer , than an over civil reception : so far from hindring the rapidity of your course , it has not interrupted the order of your march ; you have constrain'd , in their sight , the south , and north winds to obey you , without chastizing the sea , as zerxes did ; you have taught it discipline ; you have done yet more , you have made the spaniard humble . after that , what may not one say of you ? no , nature , i say , nature , when she was young , and in the time that she produc'd alexanders and caesars , has produc'd nothing so great , as under the reign of louis xiv , she has given to the french , in her declension , that which rome could not obtain from her in her greatest maturity . she has made appear to the world , in your age , both in body and soul , that perfect valour which we have scarce seen the idea of in romances and heroick poems . begging the pardon of one of your poets — he had no reason to say , that beyond cocitus merit , is no more known : yours , my lord , is extoll'd here , by the common voice , on both sides of styx . it makes a continual remembrance of you , even in the abodes of forgetfulness : it finds zealous partizans in the country of indifference . it puts acheron into the interests of the seine . nay more , there is no shade amongst us , so prepossest with the principles of the porticus , so hardned in the school of zeno , so fortified against joy and grief , that does not hear your praises with pleasure , that does not clap his hands , and cry , a miracle ! at the moment you are named , and is not ready to say with your malherb , a la fin , c'est trop de silence , en si beau suject , de parler . as for me , my lord , who know you a great deal better , i do nothing but meditate on you in my repose ; i fill my thoughts intirely with your idea , in the long hours of our leisure ; i cry continually , how great a man is this ! and if i wish to live again , 't is not so much , to return to the light , as to enjoy the sovereign felicity of your conversation , and to tell you face to face , with how much respect , i am from the whole extent of my soul , my lord , your lordship 's most humble , and most obedient servant , balzac . i know not , my lord , whither these violent exaggerations will please you ; and whither you will not find , that the style of balzac is a little corrupted in the other world ; however it be , ( in my opinion ) he never lavish'd his hyperboles more to the purpose ; 't is for you to judge of it : but first read , ( if you please ) the letter from voiture . from the elysian fields , june the d . my lord , tho' we poor devils , who are dead , do not concern ourselves much in the affairs of the living , and are not exceedingly inclin'd to mirth : yet i cannot forbear rejoycing at the great things you do over our heads . seriously , your last fight makes the devil and all of a noise here below ; it has made itself heard in a place , where the very thunder of heav'n is not heard ; and has made your glory known in a country where even the sun is not known . there are a great many spaniards come hither , who were in the action , and have inform'd us of the particulars . i see no reason why the people of that nation shou'd pass for bullies ; for i can assure you they are very civil persons , and the king sent 'em hither t'other day very mild and quiet . to tell you the truth , my lord , you have manag'd your affairs very well of late . to see with what speed you fly o're the mediterranean-sea , wou'd make one think you absolutely master of it : there is not at present , in all its extent , one single privateer in safety , and , if you go on at this rate , i can't see how you 'd have tunis and algiers subsist . we have here the caesars , the pompeys , and the alexanders ; they all agree , that you exactly follow their conduct in your way of fighting : but caesar believes you to be superlatively caesar. there are none here , ev'n to the alaricks , the gensericks , the theodoricks , and all the other conquerors in icks , who don't speak very well of this action ; and in hell it self ( i know not whether you are acquainted with that place ) there is no devil , my lord , who does not confess ingenuously , that at the head of an army you are a greater devil , than himself : this is a truth that your very enemies agree in . but to see the good that you have done at messina , for my part , i believe you are more like an angel , than a devil , only angels have a more ●airy shape , and do not carry their arms in a scarf . railery apart , hell is extreamly byass'd in your favour . there is but one thing to be objected to your conduct , and that is the little care , that you sometimes take of your life . you are so well belov'd in this country , that they don't desire your company . believe me , my lord , i have already said it in the other world , a demi-god , is but a very little thing , when he is dead ; he 's nothing like what he was , when he was alive . and as for me , who know already , by experience what it is to be no more , i set the best face on the matter i can ; but to hide nothing from you , i die with impatience to return to the world ; were it only to have the pleasure to see you there ; in pursuance of this intended voyage , i have already sent several times to find out the scatter'd parts of my body to set 'em together , but i cou'd never recover my heart , which i left at parting with those seven mistresses , that i serv'd , as you know so faithfully , the whole seven at once . as for my wit , unless you have it , i 'm told , 't is not to be found in the world. to tell you the truth , i shrewdly suspect , that you have at least the ga●ety of it : for i have been told here four or five sayings of your turn of expression , which i wish , with all my heart , i had said , and for which i would willingly give the panegyrick of pliny , and two of my best letters . supposing then , that you have it , i beg you to send it me back as soon as possibly you can ; for indeed you can't imagine how inconvenient it is● not to have all one's wit about one , especially when one writes to such a man as you are ; this is the cause that my style , at present , is so alter'd : were it not for that , you shou'd see me merry again , as formerly , with my comrade le broch●t . and i should not be reduc'd to the necessity of ending my letter trivally , as i do in telling you , that i am , my lord , your lordship 's most humble and obedient servant , voiture . these are the two letters , just as i receiv'd 'em : i send 'em you writ in my own hand , because you wou'd have had too much trouble to read the characters of the other world , if i had sent 'em you in the original . do not fancy , my lord , that this is only a trial of wit , and an imitation of the style of these two writers . you know very well , that balzac and voiture are inimitable . however , were it true , that i had recourse to this invention to divert you , shou'd i be so much in the wrong of it , or rather ought i not to be esteem'd , for having found out this way to make you read the praises , which you wou'd never have suffer'd otherways ? in a word , cou'd i better make appear with what sincerity , and with what respect i am , my lord , yours , &c. a letter writ by mr. dennis , sent with the following speech . sir , i have here sent you inclos'd , what i promis'd you by the last post , and i think myself oblig'd to give you some account of it . in the late appendix to the new observator , i find the author reasonably complaining of the corruption of history by the french , and giving a reasonable guess , how false the history of this age ( as far as it is writ by them ) is like to come out in the next . and particularly what monsieur pelisson's history of the present king of france is like to be , which is now writing by that king 's own order . monsieur boileau , who writ the enclos'd , has at least as great a share in that history as monsieur pelisson : and therefore you have in the enclos'd , in the which he has very artfully inserted a panegyrick of his prince , a pattern of what his part of the history will be . for having flatter'd his master in this small panegyrick , we have all the reason in the world to believe , that he will flatter him too in his history . and that he has flatter'd him here , you will plainly find ; not only by exaggerations , which are in some measure to be allow'd to an orator ; but in affirming things which are directly contrary to the truth . such are those two remarkable passages of the french king's offering peace to the late confederacy , for the general good of christendom , ( which not so much as a frenchman , who has common sense , believes ) and of his bombarding genoa , only to be reveng'd of its insolency and of its perfidiousness , which every man , who has heard the story of mr. valdryon , must laugh at . now since it is to be presum'd , that monsieur boileau will flatter him in his history , because it is plain that he has ●latter'd him in his panegyrick ; what are we to expect from monsieur pelisson , whose sincerity is by no means so much talk'd of as the other 's ? i thought to have concluded here : but it comes into my mind to make two reflections upon the panegyrical part of the enclos'd . the first is this , that since monsieur boileau , who is , in the main , a man of sincerity , and a lover of truth , could not but flatter lewis the fourteenth when he commended him ; we may conclude , that it is impossible to give him a general commendation without flattery . for , where a satyrick poet paints , what other man must not daub ? the second reflection is this , that since this panegyrick is scarce to be supported , notwithstanding the most admirable genius of the author , which shines throughout it ; and an art to which nothing can be added , ( remember that i speak of the original ) and beyond which nothing can be desir'd ; you may easily conclude how extreamly fulsom the rest of the panegyricks upon lewis the fourteenth must needs be , whose authors fall infinitely short of boileau's , either genius , or art , or vertue . the speech of monsieur boileav , upon his admission into the french academy . translated by mr. dennis . gentlemen , the honour this day confer'd upon me , is something so great , so extraordinary , so little expected ; and so many several sorts of reasons ought to have for ever excluded me from it , that at this very moment , in which i return my acknowledgments , i am doubtful if i ought to believe it . is it then possible , can it be true , gentlemen , that you have in effect judg'd me worthy to be admitted into this illustrious society , whose famous establishment does no less honour to the memory of cardinal richlieu , than all the rest of the numerous wonders of his matchless ministry ? and what must be the thoughts of that great man ? what must be the thoughts of that wise chansellour , who after him enjoy'd the dignity of your protectorship ; and after whom it was your opinion , that none but your king had right to be your protector ? what must be their thoughts , gentlemen , if they should behold me this day , becoming a part of this glorious body , the object of their eternal care and esteem ; and into which by the laws which they have establish'd , by the maxims which they have maintain'd , no one ought to be receiv'd , who is not of a spotless merit , an extraordinary wit , and comparable even to you ? but farther , whom do i succeed in the place which you are pleas'd to afford me here ? * is it not a man who is equally renown'd for his great employments , and his profound capacity ? is it not a magistrate who fill'd one of the formost seats in the council ; and who , in so many important occasions , has been honoured by his prince , with his strictest confidence : a magistrate , no less wise than experienc'd , watchful , laborious ; with whom the more i compare myself , the less proportion i find . i know very well , gentlemen , ( and who can be ignorant of it , ) that in the choice which you make of men who are proper to supply the vacancies of your learned assembly , you have no regard either to place or to dignity : that politeness , learning , and an acquaintance with all the more gentle arts , have always usher'd in naked merit to you , and that you do not believe it to be unbecoming of you , to substitute in the room of the highest magistrate , of the most exal●ed minister , some famous poet , or some writer , whom his works have rendred illustrious , and who has very o●ten no other dignity , than that which his desert has given him upon parnassus . but if you barely consider me as a man of learning , what can i offer you that may be worthy of the favour , with which you have been pleas'd to honour me ? is it a wretched collection of poetry , successful rather by a happy temerity and a dexterous imitation of the ancients , than by the beauty of its thoughts , or the richness of its expressions ? is it a translation that falls so far short of the great master-pieces with which you every day supply us ; and in the which you so gloriously revive thucydides , xenophon , tacitus , and all the rest of the renown'd heroes of the most learn'd antiquity ? no , gentlemen , you are too well acquainted with the just value of things , to recompence at a rate so high , such low productions as mine , and offer me voluntarily upon so slight a foundation , an honour which the knowledge of my want of merit , has discourag'd me still from demanding . what can be the reason then , which in my behalf has so happily influenc'd you upon this occasion ? i begin to make some discovery of it , and i dare engage that i shall not make you blush in exposing it . the goodness which the greatest prince in the world has shewn in employing me , together with one of the first of your illustrious writers , to make one collection of the infinite number of his immortal actions ; the permission which he has given me to do this , has supply'd all my defects with you . yes , gentlemen , whatever just reasons ought to have excluded me ever from your academy , you believed that you could not with justice suffer that a man who is destin'd to speak of such mighty things , should be depriv'd of the utility of your lessons , or instructed in any other school than in yours . and , by this , you have clearly shewn , that when it is to s●rve your august protector , whatever consideration might otherwise restrain you , your zeal will not suffer you to cast your eyes upon an● thing but the interest of your master's glory . yet suffer me , gentlemen , to undeceive you , if you believe that that great prince , at the time when he granted that favour to me , believ'd that he should meet within me a writer , who was able to sustain in the least , by the beauty of style , or by the magnificent pomp of expression , the grandeur of his exploits . no , gentlemen , it belongs to you , and to pens like yours , to shew the world such master-pieces ; and he never conceiv'd so advantageous a thought of me . but as every thing that he has done in his reign is wonderful , is prodigious , he did not think it would be amiss , that in the midst of so many renown'd writers , who with emulation describe his actions in all their splendour , and with all the ornaments of the sublimest eloquence , a man without artifice , and accus'd rather of too much sincerity than of flattery , should contribute by his labour and by his advice , to set to shew in a proper light , and in all the simplicity of the most natural style , the truth of those actions , which being of themselves so little probable , have rather need to be faithfully related , than to be strongly exaggerated . and indeed , gentlemen , when poets and orators , and historians , who are sometimes as daring as poets or orators , shall come to display upon so happy a subject , all the bold strokes of their art , all their force of expression ; when they shall say of lewis the great , more justly than was said of a famous captain of old , that he alone has atchiev'd more exploits than other princes have read ; that he alone has taken more towns , than other monarchs have wish'd to take : when they shall assure us , that there is no potentate upon the face of the earth , no not the most ambitious , who in the secret prayers that he puts up to heaven , dares presume to petition for so much glory , for so much prosperity as heaven has freely granted this prince : when they shall write , that his condust is mistress of events ; that fortune dares not contradict his designs : when they shall paint him at the head of his armies , marching with gigantick strides , over great rivers and the highest mountains ; thundring down ramparts , rending hard rocks , and tearing into ten thousand pieces every thing that resists his impetuous shock : these expressions will doubtless appear great , rich , noble , adapted to the lofty subject ; but at the same time that the world shall wonder at them , it will not think itself oblig'd to believe them , and the t●uth may be easily disown'd or mistaken , under the disguise of its pompous ornaments . but , when writers without artifice , and who are contented faithfully to relate things , and with all the simplicity of witnesses who depose , rather than of historians , who make a narration , shall rightly set forth , all that has pass'd in france , ever since the famous peace of the pyrenees ; all that the king has done in his dominions , to re-establish order , discipline , law : when they shall reckon up all the provinces which he has added to his kingdoms in succeeding wars , all the advantages , all the victories which he has gain'd of his enemies ; holland , germany , spain , all europe too feeble against him alone , a war that has been always fruitful in prosperity , and a more glorious peace : when pens that are sincere , i say , and a great deal more careful to write the truth , than to make others admire them , shall rightly articulate all these actions , disposed in their order of time , and attended with their real circumstances ; who is it that can then dissent from them , i do not say of our neighbours , i do not say of allies ; i say of our mortal enemies ? and tho' they shou'd be unwilling to acknowledge the truth of them , will not their diminish'd forces , their states confin'd within stricter bounds , their complaints , their jealousies , their furies , their very invectives , in spight of themselves , convince them ? can they deny that in that very year , of which i am speaking , this prince being resolv'd to constrain them all to accept of a peace which he had offer'd them for the good of christendom , did all at once , and that at a time , when they had publish'd , that he was intirely exhausted of men and money : that he did then , i say , all at once , in the low-countries , cause to start up as 't were out of the ground two mighty armies , each of them consisting of forty thousand men ; and that he provided for them abundant subsistance there , notwithstanding the scarcity of forrage , and the excessive drought of the season ? can they deny , that whil'st with one of these armies , he caus'd his lieutenants to besiege luxemburgh , himself with the other , keeping as it were block'd all the towns of brabant and hainault : that he did , by this most admirable conduct , or , rather● by a kind of enchantment , like that o● the head so renown'd in the ancient fables , whose aspect transform'd the beholders to stones , render the spaniards unmov'd spectators of the taking of that important place , in the which they had repos'd their utmost refuge ? that by a no less admirable effect of the same prodigious enchantment , that obstinate enemy to his glory , that industrious contriver of wars and confederacies , who had labour'd so long to stir up all europe against him , found himself , if i may use the expression , disabled and impotent , tyed up on every side , and reduc'd to the wretched vengeance of dispersing libels ; of sending forth cries and reproaches : our very enemies , give me leave to repeat it , can they they deny all this ? must not they confess , that at the time when these wonders were executing in the low-countries , our fleet upon the mediterranean , after having forc'd algiers to be a suppliant for peace , caus'd genoa to feel , by an example that will be eternally dreadful , the just chastisement of its insolence and of its perfidiousness ; burying under the ruines of palaces and stately houses that proud city , more easie to be destroy'd than be humbled ? no , without doubt , our enemies dare not give the lie to such known truths , especially when they shall see them writ with that simple and natural air , and with that character of sincerity and probability , with which , whate'er my defects are , i do not absoly despair to be able at least in part to to supply the history . but since this very simplicity , all enemy , as it is to ostentation and pageantry , has yet its art , its method , its beauties ; from whence can i better derive that art , and those beauties , than from the source of all delicacies , this ●am'd academy , which has kept possession , for so many years , of all the treasures , of all the riches , of our tongue ? these , gentlemen , are the things which i am in hopes to find among you ; this is what i come to study with you ; this is what i come to learn of you . happy , if by my assiduity in f●equenting you , by my address in bringing you to speak of these matters , i can engage you to conceal nothing of all your most secret skill from me : your skill to render nature decent and chaste at the very time when she is most alluring ; and to make the colours and paint of art , appear to be the genuine beauties of nature . thrice happy ! if by my respects and by my sincere submissions , i can perfectly convince you of the extream acknowledgment , which i shall make all my life-time for the unexpected honour you have done me . letters of courtship to a woman of quality . if it be a crime in me , madam , to love , 't is your fair self that 's the occasion of it ; and if it be a crime in me to tell you i do , 't is myself only that 's faulty . i confess , 't was in my power to have forborn writing , but i am satisfy'd i cou'd never have seen you , but the language of my looks wou'd have disclosed the secret ; and to what purpose is it to pretend to conceal a flame that will discover itself by its own light ? in my mind there 's more confession in disordered actions , frequent sighs , or a complaining countenance , than in all the artful expressions the tongue can utter ; i have been strugling with myself this three months to discover a thing which i now must do in three words , and that is , that i adore you ; and i am sure if you 'll be just to yourself , you cannot be so unjust to me , as to question the reality of this discovery , for 't is impossible for you to be ignorant of the charms you possess , no body can be rich , and yet unacquainted with their stores . and therefore , since 't is certain , you have every thing wonderfully engaging , you must not take it ill that my taste is as curious as another's , i shou'd do an injury to my own judgment if it were not ; i am not , madam , so vain as to believe , that any thing i can act or utter shou'd ever perswade you to retain the least kind regard , in recompence of the pain i suffer ; i only beg leave and liberty to complain : they that are hurt in service , are permitted to show their wounds ; and the more gallant the conquerour , the more generous is his compassion . i ventur'd last night to faulter out my misfortune , 't was almost dark , and i attempted it with greater boldness , nay , you yourself ( cruel and charming as you are ) must needs take notice of my disorder ; your sentences were short and reproving ; your answers cold ; and your manner ( contrary to your usual and peculiar sweetness ) was severe and forbidding , yet in spight of all the awe and chill aspect you put on , you must always appear most adorable to , madam , your most lost and unfortunate humble servant . by the same hand . you need not have laid an obligation on me of writing , who am so inclinable of my own accord , to tire yo● with let●ers ; 't is the most ag●●eable thing i can do , and cou'd wish you thought it so too ; but when i reflect upon the ●a●shness of my expressions , i must needs conclude , i have a greater regard to my own satisfaction in writing , than to your patience in reading ; the only way i know to make me write better , wou'd be to receive more frequent letters from you , which would instruct me to do it ; and i shou'd think it the greatest perfection of my pen to imitate even the faults of yours ( if there were any . ) i have the satisfaction left me , that i am writing to one , that , though her judgment be nice and discerning , her interpretation is easie and candid ; one that has not only the brightness of heaven to make me adore her , but also the goodness of it to forgive my offences ; else i shou'd despair of pardon for this too long letter . i confess , if i were to make a recital of your divine qualities , an age would be too small a time to be employed in the work : i shou'd indeavour to paint your gay airy temper , and yet shadow it with all the modesty and cautious reserv'dness ; you have an humour so very taking , that , as it fires the serious , and dull , so it checks , and restrains the too forward ; and as your charms give encouragement , so your wakeful conduct creates despair . if the paper and your patience wou'd not fail me , i cou'd live upon this subject ; but whilst i do justice to your vertues , i offend your modesty ; and every offence against you , madam , must be avoided as much as possible by him , all whose happiness depends on pleasing you , as does that of , madam , your humble servant . by the same hand . as i cannot reflect upon the melancholy appearance of things on sunday and munday last , without an affliction inexpressible , so i cannot think on the happy change without the most grateful pleasure . heavens ! how my heart sunk , when i found the tenderest part of my soul seiz'd with an indisposition , her colour faded , the usual gaiety of her temper eclipsed , her tongue faultering , her ayr languishing , and the charming lustre of her eyes setting and decay'd ! instead of kind expressions full of love and endearments , i could hear nothing but complaints , and the melancholy effects of a growing illness . 't is true , ( my dearest life ) tho' you are as beautiful as light , tho' sweet and tender as a flower in spring , tho' gay and cheerful as dawning youth , yet all these perfections , that captivate others , cannot secure you against the tyranny of distempers ; sickness has no regard to your innocence , but the same ruffling tempest that tears up the common weeds , blasts also the fragrant blushing rose : but now , to the eternal peace of my satisfied mind , ●he feaverish heat is extinguish'd , and your charms recover their usual heavenly brightness ; i am the vnhappy wretch that feels their force , and consumes of a feaver never to be extinguish'd , but with the life of , madam , yours , &c. by the same hand . this morning i discover'd the happy signal at your window , which was as welcome to me as a cordial to fainting spirits : heavens grant the design be real , love is never free from fears ; and my presaging mind bids me not be too confident . if there be any sympathy in our souls , as there is in our manners and humours , i am sure you must be very much indispos'd ; for , all night long , dreadful fancies haunted me , and drove all soft and pleasing idea's from me : the same rest which guilty despairing wretches and feaverish souls find in the midst of their agonies , was my lot all night long : i could not , durst not slumber ; and , as my love grew more outragious , my apprehensions about you were more distracting . i cannot be well till i see you , which , if it be with your usual charming gayety , i shall be the most bless'd of mortals : but if pale sickness sit upon your lips , heavens grant it may also freeze the blood of yours . by the same hand . if distraction be an argument of love , i need no other to convince you of my passion : all my past actions have discover'd it , since i had the honour to know you ; tho' not any so sensibly as my behaviour on sunday-night : my reflection on it , gives me more pain than i can express , or you imagin● ; tho' in my mind those actions may be forgiven , that proceed from excess of love. my letter will discover the loss of my senses , which i never had so much occasion for as now , especially when i presume to write to one of so much iudgment as yourself ; but you , my dearest creature , must look upon the infirmities and distress of a love-sick wretch , with the same candour and mildness that heaven does upon you ; and let all my faults be forgiven by your tender heart , that is design'd for nothing but compassion , and all the gentle actions of softest love. whil'st i am preaching up pity , i must remember to practise it myself , and not to persecute you with more words , th●n to tell you , that i love you to death , and , when i cease to do it , may heaven ●us●ly punish my broken vows , and may i be as mis●rable as now i think myself happy . but as the greatest passions are discover'd by silence , so that must direct me to conclude . yours . by the same hand . i am troubl'd , at the soul , to find my dearest life express herself with so much concern : i am sure , till death makes me cold , i shall never be so to one whose i entirely am , not so much by vows as by the sincerest passion and inclination . no , my kind dear , engaging creature , sooner than utter one sigh which is not for you , i would chuse to be the contempt of mankind , and an abhorrer of my own loath'd being . your person is too charming , your manner too winning , your principles too honourable , ever to let a heart escape , that you have once made entirely your own ; and , when mine is not so , may it fester in the breast of yours . by the same hand . to express the grateful sense of the obligation i have to you , cannot be effectually done , unless i had your pen. if you observe my style , you will have reason to conclude , i have not received your ingenious letter of yesterday , which shou'd have been a precedent to me , and a rule to write by ; i assure you i am as well satisfy'd of the r●ality of the contents of it , as i am of its ingenuity . your sense is clear , like your actions ; and that spirit that glows in your eyes , shines in your lines . i may venture to say , that writing is not the least of your excellencies , and if any thing cou'd perswade me to stay longer than friday or saturday here , it wou'd be in expectation of a second letter from you . 't is my greatest pleasure to hear you are well , and to have the happiness of possessing in thought , what is deny'd to my eyes ; desiring the continuance of them for no other end , than to gaze upon my dear conqueress , who , after a most engaging manner , has the way of kindly killing her humble and eternally obliged servant . by the same hand . i hope , my dearest life , will excuse this impertinence , tho' i received her commands not to write ; but when i tell h●● , that the tumult of my mind was so extream , upon the reflection of my late folly , that i cou'd not rest , till i had acknowledg'd my rashness ; i hope she 'll continue her usual goodness of forgiving one , that cannot forgive himself . when i think of my unworthiness , i rave . i have been treated by the dearest and best of creatures , with all the honour and sincerity imaginable , and my return has been brutality and ill manners . 't is you alone , madam , that have sweet engaging ways peculiar to yourself , you are easie without levity ; courteous and affable without flattery ; you have wit without ill-nature , and charms without being vain . i cannot think of all your heavenly qualifications , without upbraiding myself for making such barbarous and unjust returns . i cannot think of what i have done , without a just abhorrence ; i loath and detest myself , and must needs own , i ought not to subscribe myself by any other title , than , madam , your vngrateful . a letter of reproach to a woman of quality . madam , i am sorry i must change my style , and tell you i am now fully satisfied that your ladiship never will be so ; i always fear'd your desires wou'd exceed your returns : but when i heard you were supply'd by three nations , i thought you might have been modestly contented . and i have even yet good nature enough to pity your unfortunate condition , or rather constitution , that obliges half the town of necessity to decline all sorts of commerce with you ; i cou'd have wish'd you had had reputation enough left for me to have justified , tho' you have cruelly robb'd me of the joy of loving , without making yourself any reasonable advantage of it ; had your soul consulted my destiny , i should have had fairer play for my passion , and not have been thus sacrifi'd to your most egregious follies ; yet , since better late than never , take , madam , this time , now the town is disbanded , the season moderate , and your ladiship 's common practice prorogued , to consider if there be any way left you , in some measure , to save the confusion of yourself , and that of , madam , your real humble servant . august the th , . a letter of business to a merchant's wife in the city . madam , i can forgive you the difficulty you made of passing an ev'ning with me ; nay , even the affected indifference you entertain'd me with , when you might have imploy'd your time much better ; i knew your character , and guess'd what wou'd be the end of our first meeting , but desire it may not be the beginning of the second ; for the future , prithee , dear hypocrite , ( do not forget yourself ) and so often ingage me to love tenderly , and yet conjure me to hope for no return ; but do me the favour to make a better use of the next opportunity , lest your carry on too ●ar the unnatural jest , and contrive to force yourself out of the inclinations of , madam , your real humble servant . letters , by the late celebrated mrs. katherine phillips . the fam'd orinda , to the honourable berenice . your ladiship 's last favour from col. p — 's was truly obliging , and carried so much of the same great soul of yours , which loves to diffuse it self in expressions of friendship to me , that it merits a great deal more acknowledgment than i am able to pay at my best condition , and am less now when my head akes , and will give me no leave to enlarge , though i have so much subject and reason ; but really if my heart ak'd too , i cou'd be sensible of a very great kindness and condesc●ntion in thinking me worthy of your concern , tho' i visibly perceive most of my letters have lost their way to your ladiship . i beseech you be pleased , first , to believe i have written every post ; but , secondly , since i came , and then to enquire for them , that they may be commended into your hands , where alone they can hope for a favourable residence ; i am very much a sharer by sympathy , in your ladiship 's satisfaction in the converse you had in the country , and find that to that ingenious company fortune had been just , there being no person fitter to receive all the admiration of persons best capable to pay them , than the great berenice : i hope your ladiship will speak me a real servant of dr. wilkins ; and all that converse with you , have enrich'd all this summer with yours . i humbly thank your ladiship for your promise of mr. boyle's book , which indeed merits a publick , not view only , but universal applause , if my vote be considerable in things so much above me . if it be possible , oblige me with the sight of one of them , which ( if your ladiship command it ) shall be very faithfully return'd you . and now ( madam ) why was that a cruel question , when will you come to wales ? 't is cruel to me , i confess , that it is yet in question ; but i humbly beg your ladiship to unriddle that part of your letter , for i cannot understand why you , madam , who have no persons alive to whom your birth hath submitted you , and have already by your life secur'd to yourself the best opinion the world can give you , should create an awe upon your own actions , from imaginary inconveniencies : happiness , i confess , is twofac'd , and one is opinion ; but that opinion is certainly our own ; for it were equally ridiculous and impossible to shape our actions by others opinions . i have had so much ( and some sad ) reason to discuss this principle , that i can speak with some confidence , that none will ever be happy , who make their happiness to consi●t in , or be govern'd by the votes of other persons . i deny not but the approbation of wise and good persons is a very necessary satisfaction ; but to forbear innocent contentments , only because it 's possible some fancies may be so capricious as to dispute , whether i should have taken them , is , in my belief , neither better nor worse than to fast always , because there are some so superstitious in the world , that will abstain from meat , upon some score or other , upon every day in the year , that is , some upon some days , and others upon others , and some upon all . you know , madam , there is nothing so various as vulgar opinion , nothing so untrue to itself : who shall then please , since none can fix it ? 't is a heresie ( this of submitting to every blast of popular extravagancy ) which i have combated in persons very dear to me : dear madam , let them not have your authority for a relapse , when i had almost committed them ; but consider it without a byass , and give sentence as you see cause ; and in that interim put me not off ( dear madam ) with those chymera's , but tell me plainly what inconvenience is it to come ? if it be one in earnest , i will submit , but otherwise i am so much my own friend , and my friend's friend , as not to be satisfied with your ladiship 's taking measure of your actions by others opinion , when i know too that the severest could find nothing in this journey that they could condemn , but your excess of charity to me , and that censure you have already supported with patience , and ( notwithstanding my own consciousness of no ways deserving your sufferance upon that score ) i cannot beg you to recover the reputation of your judgment in that particular , since it must be my ruine . i should now say very much for your most obliging commands to me , to write , and should beg frequent letters from your ladiship with all possible importunity , and should by command from my lucasia excuse her last rudeness ( as she calls it ) in giving you account of her honour for you under her own hand , but i must beg your pardon now , and out-believing all , i can say upon every one of these accounts , for really , madam , you cannot tell how to imagine any person more to any one than i am , madam , your ladiship 's most faithful servant , and passionate friend , orinda . june the th , priory of cardigan . lucasta is most faithfully your servant : i am very glad of mr. cowley's success , and will concern myself so much as to thank your ladiship for your endeavour in it . to the honourable berenice . dear madam , i have been so long silent , that i profess i am now asham'd almost to beg your pardon , and were not confidence in your ladiship 's goodness a greater respect than the best address in the world , i should scarce believe myself capable of remission ; but when your ladiship shall know more fully than papers can express , how much and how many ways i have suffered , you will rather wonder that i write at all , than that i have not written in a week ; when you shall hear that my dear lucasia , by a strange unfortunate sickness of her mother's , hath been kept from me , for three weeks longer than i expected , and is not yet come : i have had some difficulty to live , and truly , madam , so i have , and more difficulty to be silent to you , but that in earnest my disorder was too great to write : dear madam , pardon and pity me , and , to express that you do both , be pleased to hasten hither , where i shall pour all my trouble into your bosom , and receive thence all that consolation which i never in my life more needed than i now do . you see , madam , my presumption , or rather distraction to leap from confessions into petitions , and those for advantages so much above my merit : but what is that , that the dear great berenice can deny her faithful orinda ? and what is it that orinda would not do or suffer , to obtain that sweet and desired converse , she now begs of you ? i am confident my lucasia will suddenly be here to , thank you for your charity which you will , by coming , express to me , and the obligation you will put upon her by it ; both which shall be equally and constantly acknowledged ( if you will please to hasten it ) by your faithfully affectionate friend , and humble servant , orinda . nov. . to the honourable berenice . i must confess myself extreamly troubled , to miss a letter from your ladiship in a whole fortnight , but i must beg you to believe your silence did not occasion mine ; for my ambition to converse with you , and advantage in being allow'd it , is too great for me to decline any opportunity which i can improve to obtain so much happiness : but really the box of gloves and ribbons miss'd a conveniency of going , and a letter that attended them partak'd in the same misfortune ; by this time and some days before it i hope they have reach'd you , for they were sent away above a week ago ; and if so , all that i can tell you of my desires to see your ladiship will be repetition , for i had with as much earnestness as i was capable of , begg'd it then , and yet have so much of the beggar in me , that i must redouble that importunity now , and tell you , that i gasp for you with an impatience that is not to be imagin'd by any soul wound up to a less concern in friendship than yours is , and therefore i cannot hope to make others sensible of my vast desires to enjoy you , but i can safely appeal to your own illustrious heart , where i am sure of a court of equity to relieve me in all the complaints and supplications my friendship can put up : madam , i am assured you love me , and that being once granted , 't is out of dispute , that your love must have nobler circumstances than mine , but because the greatness and reality of it must be always disputed with you , by me there must of necessity remain the obligingness of your love to weigh down the ballance , and give you that advantage over me in friendship , which you unquestionably have in all things else , and if this reasoning be true , ( as sure there are all sciences in friendship , and then logick cannot be excluded ) i have argued myself into handsom necessity of being eternally on the receiving hand , but let me qualifie that seeming meanness , by assuring you , that even that is the greatest testimony of my esteem for your ladiship , that ever i can give ; for i have a natural pride ( that i cannot much repent of ) which makes me very unwilling to be obliged , and more curious from whom i receive kindnesses than where i confer them ; so that being contented to be perpetually in your debt , is the greatest con●ession i can make of the empire you have over me , and really that priviledge is the last which i can submit to part with all , to be just done in acts of friendship , and that i do not only yield you in all my life past , but can beg to have it continued by your doing me the greatest favour that ever i receiv'd from you by restoring me my dear and honoured berenice ; this , madam , is but one action , but , like the summ of an account , it contains the value of all the rest , and will so oblige and refresh me , that i cannot express the satisfaction i shall receive in it ; i humbly thank your ladiship for the assurance you have given me , that you suddenly intend it , and that you were pleased to be accountable to me for your stay till christmas , which being now at hand , i hope you will have neither reason , importunity , nor inclinations to retard the happiness you intend me : really , madam , i shall and must expect it in these holidays , and a disappointment to me is the greatest of miseries ; and then , madam , i trust you will be convinc'd of this necessity there is of your life and health , since heaven it self appears so much concern'd in it , as to restore it by a miracle : and , truly , had you been still in danger , i should have look'd upon that as more ominous than the blazing-star , so much discours'd of ; but you are one of those extraordinary blessings which are the publick concernments , and are , i trust , reserv'd to be yet many years an example of honour and ornament to religion . oh , madam , i have abundance to tell you and ask you , and if you will not hasten to hear it , you will be almost as cruel as arsaces ; but you will come , and , if you find any thing in this letter that seems to question it , impute it to the continual distrust of my own merit , which will not permit me easily to believe my self favoured : dear madam , if you think me too timerous , confute me by the welcome experiment of your company , which , really , i perpetually long for , and again beg , as you love me , and claim as you would have me believe it ; i am glad your ladiship has pitch'd on a place so near me , you shall be sufficiently persecuted with orinda . i know you will pardon me , for not acquainting you with the news you heard from other hands , when i tell you , there is nothing of it true , and the town is now full of very different discourse ; but i shall tell you more particularly , when i have the honour to see you ; and , till then , cannot with conveniency do it . i easily believe dous factious ; but , in those disputes , i think he discovers more wit than wisdom , and your ladiship knows they are inseparable ; i shall lose the post , if i do not now hasten to subscribe , what i am always ready to make good , that i am more than any one living , your ladiship 's most faithful and most passionate friend and servant , orinda . decemb. . . to the honourable berenice . with the greatest joy and confusion in the world , i received , dear madam , your ladiship 's most obliging letter from kew , and thus far i am recon●il'd to my own omissions , that they have produc'd a shame which serves me now to allay a transport , which had otherwise been excessive at the knowledge that i am to receive , that notwithstanding all my failings , you can look upon me with so generous a concern : i could make many apologies for myself , and with truth tell you , that i have ventured papers to kiss your ladiship 's hand , since i receiv'd one from it , but really , madam , i had rather owe my restitution wholly to your bounty , than seem to have any pretence to it myself , and i will therefore allow myself utterly unworthy of having any room in your thoughts , in that i have not perpetually begg'd it of you , with that assiduity as is suitable to so great and so valu'd a blessing ; and i know that tho' a sea have divided our persons , and many other accidents made your ladiship 's residence uncertain to me , yet i ought to have been restless in my enquiries how to make my approaches to you ; and all the varieties and wandrings and troubles that i have undergone since i had the honour to see your ladiship , ought not to have distracted me one moment from the payment of that devotion to you , which● if you please , i will swear never to have been one jot lessen'd in my heart , as ill and as seldom as i have express'd it ; but now , that my good fortune has brought me once mor● so near your ladiship , i hope to redeem my time , by so constant and fervent addresses to you , as shall both witne●s how unalterably i have ever lov'd and honour'd you , and how extreamly glad i am still to be preserved in so noble and so priz'd a heart as yours ; and , that i may the sooner be secur'd of that and restor'd to your converse , i must beg your ladiship to find some occasion that may bring you to london , where i may cast mysel● at your feet , both in repentance of my own faults , and acknowledgment of your goodness , and assure you that neither lucasia , nor any other person , ever had the will , the power , or the confidence to hinder the justice of my most affectionate service to your ladiship , and though you fright me with telling me how much you have considered me of late , yet i will venture upon all the severity that reflection can produce ; and if it be as great as i may reasonably fear , yet i will submit to it for the expiation of my failings , and think myself sufficiently happy if after any pennance you will once more receive me into your friendship , and allow me to be that same orinda , whom with so much goodness you were once pleased to own as most faithfully yours , and who have ever been , and ever will be so ; and , dear dear madam , your ladiship 's most affectionate humble servant and friend , k. phillips . this was wrote but a month before orinda died . to mr. herbert . i receiv'd your two letters against hypocrisie and love , but i must tell you , they have made me no convert from , women , and their favourite ; for who like simonides , wou'd give nine scandalous origins to womankind , for one good one , meerly because the follies and vices of that sex deserve it , and yet hope ever to make your account of them ? or who , with petronius arbiter , would tell the lawyers , quid faciunt leges ubi sola pecunia regnat ? aut ubi paupertas vincere nulla potest , ipsi qui cynica traducunt tempora cena , nonnunquam nummis vendere verba solent , ergo judicium , nihil est nisi publica merces atque eques in causa qui sedet empta probat . thus english'd by mr. barnaby . laws bear the name , but money has the power ; the cause is bad when e'er the client 's poor : those strict-liv'd men that seem above our world , are oft too modest to resist our gold. so iudgment , like our other wares , is sold , and the grave knight that nods upon the laws , wak'd by a fee , hems , and approves the cause . that the bar is but a market for the sale of right , and that the judge sits there only to confirm what the bribe had secur'd before , and yet hope ever to escape when you come into their hands ? or what man that has his interest before his eyes wou'd tell this dangerous truth , that priests of all religions are the same ? no , no , plain-dealing must be left to manly , and confin'd to the theatre , and permit hypocrisie and nonsence to prevail with those pretty amusements , women , that like their own pleasure too well , to be fond of sincerity . you declaim against love on the usual topicks , and have scarce any thing new to be answer'd by me , their profess'd advocate , if by repentance you mean the pain that accompanies love ; all other pleasures are mixt with that , as well as love , as cicero observes in his second book de oratore , omnibus rebus , voluptatibus maximis fastidium finitimum est : in all things where the greatest pleasures are found , there borders a satiety and uneasie pain : and catullus , non est dea nescia nostri , quae dulcem curis miscet amaritiem : nor am i unknown to that bright goddess , who with my cares mingles a sweet pleasing bitter . but i take this pain in love to proceed from the imperfection of our union with the object belov'd , for the mind forms a thousand entrancing idea's , but the body is not capable of coming up to that satisfaction the mind proposes ; but this pain is in all other pleasures that we have , none of which afford that fulness of pleasure , as love , which bears some proportion to the vehemence of our desires : speak therefore no more against love , as you hope to die in the arms of sylvia , or not perish wretchedly in the death of a pumpkin . i am your friend , &c. letters by mr. tho. brown. to c. g. esq in covent-garden . may i be forced to turned news-monger for a wretched subsistence● and beat up fifty coffee-houses every morning , to gather scraps of intelligence , and fatherless scandal ; or , ( to curse my self more emphatically ) may i live the restless life of some gay younger brother's starving footman of the temple , who , between his master's debts and fornication , visits once a day half the shopkeepers in fleet-street , and half the whores in drury-lane , if i am not as utterly weary of hunting after you any longer , as ever statesman was of serving the publick , when the publick forgot to bribe his private interest . shou'd i but set down how many tiresome leagues i have travell'd , how often i have shot all the city-gates , cross'd lincolns-inn fields , pass'd the two tropicks of the old and new exchange , and doubled the cape of covent-garden church to see you , i shou'd grow more voluminous than coryat ; and you 'd fancy yourself , without doubt , engaged in purchase's or hackluyt's itineraries . as you are a person of half business and half pleasure , ( which the wise say , is the best composition in the world ) i have consider'd you in your two capacities , and order'd my visits accordingly . sometimes i call'd upon you betimes in a morning , when nothing was to be met in the streets , but grave tradesmen , stalking in their slippers to the next coffee-house ; midnight-drunkards , reeling home from the rose ; industrious harlots , who had been earning a penny over night , tripping it on foot to their lodgings ; ragmen , picking up materials for grubstreet ; in short , nothing but bailiffs , chimney-sweepers , cinderwomen , and other people of the same early occupations , and yet , as my ill stars contriv'd it , you were still gone out before me . at other times i have call'd at four in afternoon , the sober hour , when other discreet gentlemen were but newly up , and dressing to go to the play ; but to as little purpose as in the morning . then , towards the evening , i have a hundred times examin'd the pit and boxes , the chocolate-houses , the taverns , and all places of publick resort , except a church , ( and there , i confess , i cou'd no more expect to meet you , than a right beau of the last paris edition in the bear-garden ) but still i failed of you every where , tho' sometimes you 'scaped me as narrowly as a quibble does some merry statesmen i cou'd name to you . is it not strange , thought i to my self , that every paltry astrologer about the town , by the help of a foolish telescope , shou'd be able to have the seven planets at a minute's warning , nay , and their very attendants , their satellites too , tho' some of them are so many hundred thousand miles distant from us , to know precisely when they go to bed , and what rambles they take , and yet that i with all my pains and application shou'd never take you in any of your orbits , who are so considerably nearer to me ? but , for my part , i believe a man may sooner find out a true key to the revelations , than discover your by-haunts , and solve every problem in euclid much easier than yourself . with all reverence be it said , your ways are as hard to be traced as those of heaven ; and the dean of p — , who in his late history of providence has explain'd all the several phoenomena's of it , but his own conversions , is the fittest person i know of in the world to account for your eclipses . some of your and my good friends , ( whom i need not mention to you ) have cross'd the german ocean , made the tour of the low-countries , seen the elector of bavaria and prince vaudemont , and might , if they pleas'd , have got drunk with a dozen of german princes , in half the time . i have been beating the hoof up and down london , to find out you ; — so that at last , after a world of mortifying disappointments , taking a martial in my hands , i happen'd to light upon an epigram of his , address'd to decianus , a very honest gentleman it seems , but one that was as hard to be met with as yourself : and this epigram , suiting my own case exactly , i here send you a paraphrase or imitation of it , call it which you please . ne valeam , si non totis deciane diebus . lib. . ep. . in some vile hamlet let me live forgot , small-beer my portion , and no wine my lot . to some worse iilt in church-indentures bound , than ancient job , or modern sh — found , and with more aches visited , and ills , than fill up salmon's works or tilburgh's bills : if 't is not still the burden of my prayer , the day with you , with you the night to share . but , sir , ( and the complaint , you know , is tr●e ) two damn'd long miles there lye 'twixt me and you : and these two miles , with little calculation , make four , by that i 've reach'd my habitation . you near sage will 's , the land of mirth and claret , i live , stow'd up in a white-chappel garret ; oft , when i 've come so far your hands to kiss , flatter'd with thoughts of the succe●ding bliss , i 'm told , you 're gone to the vexatious hall , where , with eternal lungs , the lawyers bawl , or else stole out , a female friend to see ; or , what 's as bad , you 're not at home for me . two miles i 've at your service ; and that 's civil , but to trudge four , and miss you , is the devil . and now , if you are not incurably lost to all sence of humanity , send me word where it is you pass your evenings , or in one of your beloved catullus's expressions , demonstres ubi sunt tuae tenebrae . but if you think that too hard upon you , for i wou'd not be thought to invade your privacies , appoint some common meeting-place , the grffin , or the dog , where , with two or three more select friends , we may pass a few hours over a righteous bottle of claret . as you ever hope that heaven will be merciful , or sylvia true to you , let this happy night be some time this week . i am your most obliged servant , t. brown . london , june . . to the perju●'d mrs. — this morning i receiv'd the news , ( which , knowing you to be a woman , i confess , did not much startle me ) that is , spight of all your promises , your vows , and obligations , nay , and in spight of your interest too , ( which you women so seldom sin against ) you had sacrificed my worthy friend mr. — , and are to be married next week to that nauseous , that insupportable , that everlasting beast — . upon which i immediately repair'd to my friend's lodgings , and , because i knew but too well how nearly he had taken you into his heart , i carried him to that blessed sanctuary of dis●ppointed lovers , a tavern , the better to prepare him for the news of your infidelity ; i plied him warmly with the juice of the generous grape , and entertain'd him all the whi●● with the most horrible stories of your sex , that my malice cou'd suggest to me , which , heaven be prais'd , was fruitful enough upon this occasion ; for i don't believe i forgot one single instance of female treachery , from mother eve , of wheedling memory , down to your virtuous self . at last , when matters were ripe , i disclosed the unwelcome secret to him — . he raved and wept , and , after some interval , wept and raved again ; but , thanks to my pious advice , and the kind influence of t'other bottle , it was not long before the paroxysm was over . i cou'd almost wish you had been by , to see how heroically he threw off your chains ; with what alacrity he tore you from his bosom ; and , in fine , with what a christian self-denial he renounc'd you ; more heartily , i dare swear , than his godfather abjur'd the devil for him at his baptism . and now , madam , tho' i confess you have prevented my curses , by your choice of such a coxcomb , and 't is not good manners to solicite a judgment from heaven on every such accident at this , ( for providence wou'd have a fine time on 't , to be at the expence of a thunderbolt , for every woman that forswears herself ) yet so much do i resent the ill usage of my friend , that i cannot forbear to give you this conviction , how earnestly i can pray , when i set my self to 't . therefore give me leave , madam , to throw these hearty ejaculations at your head , now , since i shall not have the honour to throw a stocking at you on the fatal night of consummation . may the brute , your husband , be as jealous of you , as usurpers are of their new subjects , and , to shew his good opinion of your judgment as well as your virtue , may he suspect you of a commerce with nothing of god's making ; nothing like a gentleman that may serve to excuse the sin , but lowsie bush-begotten vagabonds , and hideous rogues in rags and tatters , or monsters that stole into the world , when nature was asl●ep , with ulcers all over them , and bunches on their backs as large as hillocks . may you never actually cuckold him , ( for that were to wish you some pleasure , which , god knows , i am far from being guilty of ) but what will serve to torment him as effectually : may the wretch imagine , you 've injur'd him that way ; under which prepossession may he never open his mouth , but to curse , nor lift up his hands , but to chastise you . may that execrable day be for ever banished out of the almanack , in which he does not use his best endeavours to beat one into your bones ; and may you never go to bed without an apprehension that he 'll cut your throat : may he too have the same distrust of you . thus may your nights be spent in eternal quarrels , and your nuptial-sheets boast of no honourable blood but what 's owing to these nocturnal skirmishes . may he lock you up from the sight of all mankind , and leave you nothing but your ill conscience to keep you company , till at last , between his penurious allowance and the sense of your own guilt , you make so terrible a figure , that the worst witch in mackbeth wou'd seem an angel to you . may not ●ven this dismal solitude protect you from his suspicions , but may some good-natured devil whisp●r into his ear , that you have committed wickedness with a bedstaff , and , in one of his frantick fits , may he beat out your brains with that supposed instrument of your lust. may your history be transmitted to all ages in the annals of grubstreet , and , as they fright children with raw-head and bloody-bones , may your name be quoted to deter people from committing of matrimony . and , to ratifie all this , ( upon my knees , i most devoutly beg it ) may heaven hear the prayers of , t. brown . to the honourable — in the pall-mall . sir , last night i had the following verses , which , for my part , i confess , i never saw before , given me by a gentleman , who assur'd me they were written by my late lord rochester ; and , knowing what a just value you have for all the compositions of that incomparable person , i was resolv'd to send 'em to you by the first opportunity . 't is indeed very strange how they could be continued in private hands all this while , since the great care that has been taken to print every line of his lordship's writing that would endure a publick view : but i am not able to assign the reason for it . all that you need know concerning the occasion of them , is , that they were writ●en in a lady's prayer-book . fling this useless book away , and presume no more to pray ; heav'n is just , and can bestow mercy on none but those that mercy show . with a proud heart , maliciously inclin'd , not to encrease , but to subdue mankind . in vain you vex the gods with your petition ; without repentance and sincere contrition , you 'r in a reprobate condition . phillis , to calm the angry powers , and save my soul as well as yours , relieve poor mortals from despair , and iustifie the gods that made you fair ; and in those bright and charming eyes let pity first appear , then love ; that we by easie steps may rise through all the ioys on earth , to those above . i cannot swear to their being genuine ; however , there 's something so delicate in the thought , so easie and beautiful in the expression , that i am without much difficulty to be perswaded , that they belong to my lord. besides , i cannot imagine with what prospect any gentleman should disown a copy of verses which might have done him no ill service with the ladies , to father them upon his lordship , whose reputation was so well establish'd among them beforehand , by a numerous and lawful issue of his own begetting . the song that comes along with them was written by mr. gl — of lincoln's-inn ; and , i believe , you 'll applaud my judgment , for seeking to entertain you out of my friend's store , who understands the harmony of an english ode so well , since i have nothing of mine own that deserves transcribing . i. phillis has a gentle heart , willing to the lover's courting ; wanton nature , all the art , to direct her in her sporting : in th' embrace , the look , the kiss , all is real inclination ; no false raptures in the bliss ; no feign'd sighings in the passion . ii. but , oh ! who the charms can speak , who the thousand ways of toying , when she does the lover make all a god in her enjoying ? who the limbs that round him move , and constrain him to the blisses ? who the eyes that swim in love , or the lips that suck in kisses ? iii. oh the freaks , when mad she grows , raves all wild with the possessing ! oh the silent trance ! which shows the delight above expressing . every way she does engage , idly talking , speechless lying : she transports me with the rage , and she kills me in her dying . i could not but laugh at one passage in your letter , where you tell me , that you , and half a dozen more , had like to have been talk'd to death t'other day , by — upon the success of his late play. for my part , i don't pity you at all ; for why , the devil should a man run his head against a brick-wall , whe● he may avoid it ? on the other hand , i wonder why you gentlemen of will 's coffee-house , who pretend to study pleasure above other people , should not as naturally scamper out of the room when your persecut●r appears , as monsieur misson tells us , the dogs in italy ran out of church as soon as ever they see a capuchin mount the pulpit . i find by you , that the abovemention'd everlasting babillard plagued you with his songs , and talked of outdoing don quixot of melodious memory ; so far i agree with him , that if he has any genious , it lies wholly in sonnet . but ( heaven be prais'd ) notwithstanding all the feeble efforts of his enemies to depose him , mr. d'vrfey still continues the only legal , rightful and undoubted king of lyricland , whom god grant long to reign over all his hamlets , and may no gallic attempts against his crown or person ever prosper . so wishes your most obliged servant , t. brown . to my lady — i found a letter of your ladiship 's own hand left for me last night at my lodgings . this morning a porter visited me with another of the sort , and just now going to dine with some friends at the blew-posts , you send me a third to refresh my memory . i vow to god , madam , if you continue to draw your bills so ●ast upon me , i must be forc'd to protest them in my own defence , or fly my country . but , with submission , methinks the language of all three was very surprizing : you complain of my absence , and coldness , and the lord knows what , tho' 't is but four days ago since i gave you the best convictions of my love i cou'd , and you flatter'd me strangely , if you were not satisfied with them : may i be as unacceptable to all womankind as an old eunuch with io. haynes's voice , if there 's a person in the universe whom i adore above yourself ; but the devoutest lover upon earth may sometimes be without an offering , and then certainly he 's excused by all love's cannon-law in the world , for not coming to the altar . there are people i know that love to hear the rattling of the boxes , and show themselves at the groom-porter's , when they have not a farthing in their pockets ; but for my part , i cou'd never endure to be an idle looker on . i have a thousand obligations to your ladiship , and till i am in a capacity to repay them , shou'd be as uneasy to see you , as any other creditor when i have no money to send him going . i am so very honest in my own nature , that i wou'd not put you off with half payments , and if i were not , your ladiship is so discerning , that i might much easier palm clipt mony upon a jew , than succeed in such a trick with so nice a judge . perhaps , madam , you are scrupulous in this matter even to a fault . 't is not enough for you , that your mony is parliamentary , and that other people wou'd be glad on 't , for if it is not of the largest size , or wants one grain of its due weight , you reject it with indignation . but , what is the hardest case of all , ( and you must pardon me , madam , if i take this occasion to reproach you with it ) you are for engrossing a man's whole cash to your self , and , by your good will , wou'd not leave him one solitary testar to distribute among the needy elsewhere , tho' you don't know what objects of charity he may meet abroad . this , in truth , is very severe usage : 't is the same as if the government shou'd only take care to pay off the soldiers in flanders , and suffer the poor seamen to starve . even the royal-oak lottery , who are fit to be imitated by you in this particular , never strip a man intirely of all , but let him march off decently with a crown or two to carry him home . if this example won't work upon you , pray learn a piece of tartarian-m●rcy ; they are none of the best bred people in the world , i confess , but are so civil when they come to a place , not to eat out the heart of the soil , but , having serv'd a present turn , shift their quarters , and forbear to make a second visit till the grass is grown up again . nay , a nonconformist parson , who is a kind of a rambling church tartar , but of the worser sort , after he has grazed a beloved text as bare as the back of one's hand , is glad for his own convenience , to remove to another . both these instances , you 'll say , look as if i advised you to supply my defect in another place ; i leave that to your own discretion , but really your humble servant's present exigences are such , that he must be forced to shut up his exchequer for some time . i have a hundred times wished , that those unnatural rogues , the writers of romances , had been all hanged , ( montague before me did the same for the statuaries ) for giving you , ladies , such wrong notions of things . by representing their heroes so much beyond nature , they put such extravagant idea's into your heads , that every woman , unless she has a very despicable opinion of her own charms , which not one in a million has , expects to find a benefit-ticket , a pharamond , or an oroondates , to come up for her share , and nothing below such a monster will content her . you think the men cou'd do infinitely more , if they pleased ; and , as 't is a foolish notion of the indians , that the apes wou'd speak , if it were not for fear of being made slaves to the spaniards ; so you , forsooth , imagine , that we , for some such reason , are afraid of going to the full length of our abilities . we cannot be so much deceived in our hopes of your constancy , as you are disappointed in our performances ; so that 't were happy for the world , i think , if heaven wou'd either give us the vigour of those brawny long-liv'd fellows , our ancestors , or else abridge the desires of the women : but , madam , don't believe a word , that those romance writers , or their brethren in iniquity , the poets tell you . the latter prate much of one hercules , a plague take him , that run the gantlet through fifty virgin-sisters in one night . 't is an impudent fiction , madam . the devil of a hercules , that there ever was upon the face of the earth , ( let me beg of you therefore , not to set him up for a knight of the shire , to represent the rest ) or , if part of his history is true , he was a downright madman , and prosper'd accordingly ; for you know he died raving and impenitent upon a mountain . both he and his whole family have been extinct these two thousand years and upwards . some memoirs tell us , that the country rose upon them , and dispatch'd them all in a night , as the glencow-men were served in scotland . i wont justifie the truth of this ; but , after you have tried the whole race of us , one after another , if you find one man that pretends to be related to this hercules , tho' at the distance of a welch genealogy , let me die the death of the wicked . therefore , madam , take my advice , and i 'll engage you shall be no loser by it . if your necessities are so pressing , that you can't stay , you must e'n borrow of a neighbour ; since cheapside fails you , a god's name , try your fortune in lombard-street . but if you cou'd order matters otherwise , and allow me a week or so longer , to make up my sum , you shoul'd then be repaid with interest , by lysander . a consolatory letter to an essex-divine upon the death of his wife . old friend , a gentleman , that lives in your neighbourhood , told me this morning , after we had had some short discourse about you , that you have buried your wife . you and i , doctor , knew one another , i think , pretty well at the college ; but being absolutely a stranger to your wife's person and character , the old gentleman in black take me , if i know how to behave my self upon this occasion ; that is to say , whether to be sad or merry ; whether to condole , or congratulate you . but , since i must do one or t'other , i think it best to go o● the surer side ; and so , doctor , i give you joy of your late great deliverance . you 'll ask me , perhaps , why i chose this party ? to which i shall only reply , that your wife was a woman , and 't is an hundred to one that i have hit on the right . but if this won't suffice , i have argument to make use of , that you can no more answer , than you can consute bellarmine . i don't mean the popish cardinal of that name , ( for , i believe , you have oftner laid him upon his back , than mrs. mary , deceased ) but an ungodly vessel holding about six gallons , which , in some parts of england , goes by another name ( the more 's the pity 't is suffer'd ) and is call'd , a ieroboam . — and thus i urge it . — mrs. mary , defunct , was either a very good , or a very bad , or an indifferent , a between hawk and buzzard wife ; tho' you know the primitive christians , for the four first ages of the church , were all of opinion , that there were no indifferent wives● however , disputandi gratia , i allow them here . now , if she was a good wife , she 's certainly gone to a ●etter place ; and then st. ierome , and st. austin , and st. ambrose , and st. basil , and , in short , a whole cart-load of greek and latin fathers ( whom 't is not your interest , by any means , to disoblige ) say positively , that you ought not to grieve . if she was a bad one , your reason will suggest the same to you , without going to councils and schoolmen . so now it only remains upon my hands to prove , that you ought not to be concern'd for her death , if she was an indifferent wife ; and publick authority having not thought fit as yet , to oblige us to mourn for wives of that denomination , it follows , by the doctrin of the church of england , about things indifferent , that you had better let it alone , for fear of giving scandal to weak brethren . therefore , doctor , if you 'll take my advice , in the first place , pluck up a good heart ; secondly , smoak your pipe , as you used to do ; thirdly , read moderately ; fourthly , drink plentifully ; fifthly and lastly , when you are distributing spoon-meat to the people next sunday from your pulpit , cast me a hawk's eye round your congregation , and , if you can , spy out a farmer 's daughter plump and juicy , one that 's likely to be a good breeder , and whose father is of some authority in the parish , ( because that may be necessary for the support of holy church ) say no more , but pelt her with letters , hymns and spiritual sonnets , till you have gain'd your carnal poi●t of her . follow this counsel , and i 'll engage your late wife will rise no more in your stomach ; for , by the unerring rules of kitchin-physick , which , i am apt to think , is the best in all cases , one shoulder of mutton serves best to drive down another . i am yours , t. brown . to the fair lucinda , at epsom . madam , i wish i were a parliament-man for your sake . another now wou'd have wish'd to have been the great mogul , the grand seignior , or at least some soveraign prince , but you see i am no ambitious person , any farther than i aspire to be in your good graces . now , if you ask me the reason , why i wish to be so ; 't is neither to bellow my self into a good place at court , nor to avoid paying my debts ; 't is to do a publick service to my country , 't is to put the fam'd magna charta in sorce : in short , madam , 't is to get a bill pass , whereby every pretty woman in the kingdom , ( and then i am sure you 'll be included in it ) shou'd under the severest penalties imaginable , be prohibited to appear in publick wi●●out her mask on . i have often wonder'd , why our senators flatter us with being a free people , and pretend they have done such mighty things to secure our liberty , when we are openly plunder'd of it by the ladies , and that in the face of the sun , and on his majesty's highway . i am a sad instance , madam , of this truth . i that , but twelve hours ago , was a free as the wildest savage in either indies , that slept easily , talk'd cheerfully , took my bottle merrily , and had nothing to rob me of one minute's pleasure , now love to be alone , make answers when no body speaks to me ; sigh when i least think on 't ; and , tho' i still drag this heavy lifeless carcase about me , can give no more account of my own movements , than of what the two armies are doing this very moment in flanders . by all these wicked symptoms , i terribly suspect i am in love. if that is my case , and lucinda does not prove as merciful as she is charming , the lord have mercy on poor mirtillo . to the same at london . madam , at last , but after a tedious enquiry , i have found out your lodgings in town , and am pleas'd to hear you 're kept by — who , according to our last advices from lombard-street , is rich and old , two as good qualities as a man cou'd desire in a rival : may the whole world ( i heartily wish it ) consent to pay tribute to all your conveniences , nay , to your luxury ; while i , and none but i , have the honour to administer to your love. don't tell me your obligations to him won't give you leave to be complaisant to a stranger . you are his sovereign , and 't is a standing rule among us casuists , that under that capacity you can do him no wrong . but you imagine he loves you , because he presents you with so many fine things : after this rate , the most impotent wretches wou'd be the greatest lovers ; ●or none are found to bribe heaven or women so high , as those that have the most defects to attone for . you may take it for granted , that half the keeping-drones about the town , do it rather to follow the mod● , or to please a vain h●●our , than out of love to the party they pretend to admire so , and this foolish a●fectation attends them in other things . i ●●●'d tell you of a certain lord , that keeps a chaplain in his house , and allows him plentifully , yet this noble peer is a rank atheist in his heart , and believes nothing of the matter : i know another , that has a fine stable of horses ; and a third , that valu●s hims●lf upon his great library , yet one of 〈…〉 ou● but once in half a year , and t'other never looked on a book in all his life . admit your city-friend l●ved you never so well , yet he 's old , which is an incurable fault , and looking upon you as his purchase , comes with a secure , that is with a sickly appetite ; while a vigorous lover , such as i am , that has honourable difficulties to pass through , that knows he 's upon his good b●haviour , and has nothing but his merits to recommend him , is nothing but rapture , and extasie , and devotion . but oh , you a●e afraid it will come to old limberham's ears ; that is to say , you apprehend i shall make discoveries ; for 't is not to be supposed you 'll turn evidence against yourself . prithee , child , don't let that frighten you . not a bribed parliament-man , nor a drubb'd beau , nor a breaking tradesman ; n●y , to give you the last satisfaction of my secresie , not a parson that has committed simony , nor a forraging autho● that has got a private stealing-place , shall be half so secret , as you 'll find me upon this occasion . i 'll always come the back-way to your lodgings , and that in the evening , with as much prudent religious caution , as a city clergyman steals into a tavern on sundays ; and tho' it be a difficult lesson for flesh and blood to practise , yet , to convince you , madam , how much i value your reputation , above my own pleasure , i 'll leave you a mornings before scandal it self is up ; that is , before any of the censorious neighbourhood are stirring . if i see you in the street , or at the play-house , i 'll know you no more , than two sharpers , that design to bob a country-fellow with a dropp'd guinea , know one another when they meet in the tavern . i 'll not discover my engagements with you by any overt-acts of my loyalty , such as drinking your health in all companies , and writing your name in every glass-window , nor yet betray you by too superstitious a care to conceal the intrigue . thus , madam , i have answered all the scruples that i thought cou'd affect you upon this matter . but , to satisfie your conscience farther , i am resolved to visit you to morrow-night ; therefore muster up all the objections you can , and place them in the most formidable posture , that i may have the honour to attack and defeat them . if you don 't wilfully oppose your own happiness , i 'll convince you , before we part , that there 's a greater difference than you imagine , between your man of phlegm , and such a lover as , mirtillo . to w. knight , esq at ruscomb in berkshire . dear sir , you desir'd me , when i saw you last , to send you the news of the town , and to let you see how punctually i have obey'd your orders , scarce a day has pass'd over my head since , but i have been enquiring after the freshest ghosts and apparitions for you , rapes of the newest date , dexterous murders , and fantastical marriages , country steeples demolish'd by lightning , whales stranded in the north , &c. a large account of all which you may expect when they come in my way , but at present be pleas'd to take up with the following news . on tuesday last , that walking piece of english mummy , that sybil incarnate , i mean my lady courtall , who has not had one tooth in her head , since king charles's restauration , and looks old enough to pass for venerable bede's grandmother , was married — cou'd you believe it ? — to young lisanio . you must know i did myself th● honour now and then to make her ladiship a visit , and found that of late she affected a youthful air , and spruc'd up her carcase most egregiously ; but , the duce take me , if i suspected her of any lewd inclinations to marry ; i thought that devil had been laid in her long ago . to make my visits more acceptable , i us'd to compliment her upon her charms and all that● where by the by , my dear friend , you may take it for a general rule , that the uglier your women are , and the duller your men , they are the easier to be flatter'd into a belief of their beauty and wit. i told her , she was resolv'd to act sampson's part , and kill more people in the last scene of her life , than other ladies cou'd pretend to do in the whole five acts of theirs . by a certain awkard joy , that display'd itself all over her countenance , and glowed even through her cheeks of buff , i cou'd perceive this nauseous incense was not unwelcome to her . 't is true , she had the grace to deny all this ; and told me , i rallied her , but dedy'd it so , as intriguing sparks deny they have lain with fine women , and some wou'd-be poets deny their writing of fatherless lampoons , when they have a mind at the same time to be thought they did what they coldly disown . i cou'd not but observe upon this , and several other occasions , how merciful heaven has been to us , in weaving self-love so closely into our natures , in order to make life palatable . ' the divines indeed arraign it as a sin ; that is , they wou'd make us more miserable than providence ever design'd us , though were it not for this very sin , not one of them in a hundred wou'd have courage enough to talk in publick . for my part , i always consider'd it as the best friend , and greatest blessing we have , without which , all those merry farces that now serve to entertain us wou'd be lost , and the world itself be as silent and melancholy as a spanish court. 't is this blessed vanity that makes all mankind easie and chearful at home , ( for no body's a fool , or a rascal , or ugly , or impertinent in his own eyes ) that makes a miser think himself wise , an affected coxcomb think himself a wit , a thriving gay villain think himself a politician , and , in short , that makes my lady court-all believe herself agreeable . but to quit this digression and pursue my story . on the day abovemention'd , this dry puss of quality , that had such a furious longing to be matrimonially larded , stole out of her house with two of her grave companions , and never did a country justice's oatmeal-eating daughter of fifteen use more discretion to be undone with her father's clark , or chaplain . gray's inn walks was the place of rendezvous , where , after they had taken a few turns , lisanio and she walked separately to the chappel , and the holy magician conjur'd them into the circle . from thence they drove home in several coaches , din'd together , but not a syllable of the wickedness they had committed , till towards night , because then i suppose their blushes were best concealed , they thought fit to own all . upon this some few friends were invited , and the fiddles struck up , and my old lady frisk'd about most notably , but was as much overtopp'd , and put out of countenance , by the young women , as somerset-house with the new buildings . not to enter into a detail of all that happen'd , this rusty gammon of bacon at last was dished up between a pair of clean sheets , soon after the bridegroom follow'd , going to act curtius's story , and leap alive into a gulf. let others envy his fine equipage , and brace of footmen , that think it worth the while ; as for me , i shall always pity the wretch , who , to fill his guts at noon , obliges himself to work in a mine all night . a poor knight of alsatia , that dines upon good wholsome air in the temple-walks , is a prince to him . i met lisanio this morning at the rain-bow , and whether 't was his pride , or ill humour , since marriage , i can't tell ; but he looked as grum as a fanatick that fancies himself to be in the state of grace . i have read somewhere , that the great mogul weighs himself once a year , and that the courtiers rejoyce or grieve , according as the royal body increases or diminishes . i wonder why some of our nice beaux that are married , don't do the like , to know exactly what depredations a spouse makes upon the body natural . as for lisanio , i wou'd advise him never to do it , because if he wastes proportionably to what he has done this week , a skeleton will out-weigh him by the year's end. but this is not half the mortification that a man must expect , who , to shew his courage , ventures upon a widow . though he mounts the guard every night , and wears out his carcase in her service , till at last , like witherington , in the ballad , he fight 's upon his stumps , yet he 's never thanked for his pains ; but labours under the same ill circumstances with a king that comes after one that is deposed , for he 's sure to be told of his predecessor upon all occasions . the second temple at ierusalem , was , without question , a noble structure , and yet we find the old fellows wept , and shook their heads at it : every widow is so far a jew in her heart , that as long as the world lasts , the second house will fall short of the glory of the first . and indeed i am apt to imagine the complaints is just , for a maid and widow are two different things ; and how can it be expected that a man shou'd come with the same appetite to a second-hand dish , as he brought with him when it was first serv'd upon the table ? and now mr. knight , i am upon the chapter of widows , give me leave to add a word or two more . a true widow is as seldom unfurnish'd of an excuse to marry again , as a true toper is without an argument for drinking . let it rain or shine , be hot or cold , 't is all one , a true son of bacchus never wants a good reason to push about the glass . and so a widow , if she had a good husband , thinks herself obliged , in meer gratitude to providence , to venture again ; and if he was a bad one , she only tries to mend her hand in a second choice . it was not so with the people of athens and rome . the former had a king that lost his life in their quarrel , and they wou'd have no more , because he was too good for them● as the latter , because theirs was an ill one . but common-wealths , you know , are whymsical things . i have only one thing more to say before i have done , which though it looks like a paradox at first sight , yet after you have consider'd a while upon it , i fancy you 'll grant to be true : 't is in short this , that a man is the decay of his vigour , when he begins to mistrust his abilities , had much better marty a widow than a maid , for , as sir iohn suckling has long ago observed , a widow is a sort of quagmire , and you know the finest racer may be as soon founder'd there , as the heaviest dray-horse . i am your most obliged servant . t. brown . postscript . i believe i shall see you in the country , before you hear from me again . lest i should come down a barbarian to you fox-hunters , i have been learning all your noble terms of art for this month ; and now , god be praised , am a great proficient in the language , and can talk of dogs and horses half an hour , without committing one solecism . i have liv'd as sober too all this while as a parson that stands candidate for a living , and with this month's sobriety in my belly , design to do wonders among you in the country . to a gentleman that fell desperately in love , and set up for a beau , in the th year of his age. i never was a predestinarian before , but now begin to think better of zeno and iohn calvin than ever , and to be convinc'd there 's a fatality attends us . what less cou'd have made — once the gay , the brave , the witty ( six months ago i shou'd have added the wise ) at the approach of gravity and gray hairs forfeit his character , fall in love with trash , and languish for a green codling , that sticks so close to the stem , that he may sooner shake down the tree , than the fruit ? 't is true , the foolish hours of our lives are generally those that give us the greatest share of pleasure , but yours is so extravagant , so unreasonable a frolick , that i wonder you don't make your life all of a piece , and learn at these years to jump through a hoop , and practise other laudable feats of activity . oh , what a conflict there is in your breast , between love and discretion● ●tis a motly scene of mirth and compassion , to see you taking as much pains to conceal your passion from the prying malicious world , as a bashful young sinner does to hide her great belly , and to as little purpose , for 't will out . — you must be a touchwood-lover , forsooth , and burn without blaze or smoke . but why wou'd you feel all the heat , yet want the comforter light ? such sullen fires may serve to kindle your mistress's vanity , but never to warm her heart . well , love i find operates with the grave , like drink with cowards , it makes 'em most valiant , when least able . but why 's the hair cut off ? can you dock any years with it ? or are you the reverse of sampson , the stronger for shaving ? if so , let me see you shake off these amorous fetters to shew your power . but you are buccaneering for a prize , and wou'd surprize a heart under false colours . take my word for 't , that stratagem won't do , for the pinnace you design upon , knows you have but a crasie hulk , in spight of your new rigging and careening . wearing of perukes , like advancing more standards than there are troops in an army , is a stale artifice , that rather betrays your weakness to the enemy , than alarms them : for tho' powder'd vallancee , like turkish horse-tails , may at a distance make a terrible shew of strength , yet , my dear friend , like them too , they are but very unserviceable weapons at a close engagement . after all , if you 're resolved to play a french trick , and wear a half-shirt in ianuary , to shew your courage , have a little of the frenchman's prudence too , and line it with a swanskin wastcoat : that is , if you must needs at this age make love to shew your vigour , take care to provide store of comforters to support your back . the answer . well , but heark you , friend harry ! and do you think now that forty years ( if a man shou'd ever come to it ) is as fumbling a doting age in love , as dryden says , it is in poetry ? why then , what will become of thee , who hast made such wicked anticipations upon thy nature's revenue , that thou art utterly non-solvent to any matrimonial expectations ? thou that in thy post-haste of town-riot and excess , overleapest all the measures of time , and art got to be fifty in constitution , before thy age writes thirty ! enjoy thy acquir'd iubilee , according to thy wonted course , but be assur'd no body will ever be able to enjoy thee . the woman - prodigals , feed upon husks , when they have any thing to do with thee , thou empty'd , raky , dry bones . my rheumatical person , as such , will be allow'd some moisture , and gray heirs only tell you , the sap is gone down to the root , where it shou'd be , and from whence thine has been long since exhausted into every strumpets cavern about the suburbs ; confound your widows , and put your own farthing candle lighted at both ends , under one of their bushels , if you please : i find i have prowess enough for the best maidenhead in town , and resolve to attempt nothing under that honourable difficulty . and so much for the women — to his honoured friend , dr. baynard , at the bath . my dear doctor , i have not writ to you these two months , for which i expect to be severely reprimanded by you , when you come to town . and yet why shou'd you wonder at such a poor fellow as i am , for being backward in my payments , if you consider 't is the case of lombard-street , nay of the bank , and the exchequer it self ( you see i support myself by very honourable examples ) at this present melancholy juncture , when , with a little alteration of mr. cowley's words , a man may truly say , nothing of ready cash is found , but an eternal tick goes round . however , to make you some amends for so long a delay , i come to visit you now , like noah's dove , with an olive-branch in my mouth ; that is , in plain english , i bring you news of a peace , of a firm , a lasting , and a general peace , ( for after this merry rate our coffe-house politicians talk ) and pray do but consider , if 't were only for the pleasure of such an amusement , what will be the happy effects of it . in the first place , this peace will soon beget good store of money , ( the want of which , though we are sinful enough in all conscience , is yet the most crying sin of the nation ) and this money will naturally end in a great deal of riot and intemperance ; and intemperance will beget a jolly race of brave diseases , with new names and titles ; and then , my dear doctor , you physicians will have a blessed time on 't . as for the lawyers , who , were it not for two or three noble peers , some of their never-failing clergy-friends , a few well-disposed widows , and stirring sollicitors , that keep up the primitive discipline of westminster-hall , wou'd perfectly forget the use of their lungs , they too will see glorious days again . i was told a melancholy story t'other day of two hopeful young attorneys , who , upon the general decay of their profession , were glad to turn presbyterian divines ; and that you 'll say is a damn'd time indeed , when lawyers are forced to turn peace-makers . but as the world grows richer , people will recover by degrees out of this state of laziness ; law suits will multiply , and discord make as splendid a figure in the hall as ever . head-strong squires will rebel against their lady mothers , and the church no longer connive at the abominable sacrilege of tythe-pigs and eggs converted to lay uses . and then , as for the honest good-fellows of the town , whose souls have mourn'd in secret , ever since the unrighteous abdication of claret ; how will they rejoyce to see their old friend sold at twelve-pence a quart again ? what matter of joy will it be to his majesty's liege-people , that they can get drunk with half the cost , and consequently with half the repentance next morning ? this will in a particular manner , revive the drooping spirits of the city sots ; for nothing goes so much against a true cheapside conscience , as an expensive sin. as times go now , a younger brother can hardly peep into a tavern without entailing a week's sobriety upon himself ; which , considering what occasions there may be to drink away the publick and private calamities , is a sad mortification . wine indeed is grown a sullen mistress , that will only be enjoy'd by men of some fortune , and not by them neither , but upon solemn days ; so that if these wicked taxes continue , canary it self , tho' a confederate of ours , is like to meet the fate of condemn'd criminals , to return to the dismal place from whence it came , an apothecary's shop ; and to be distributed about by discreet nurses in the primitive sneaking gill. 't is true , the parliament , as it became those to whom the people had delegated their power , thought to obviate these grievances , by the six-penny act , and laying a five hundred pound fine upon cellar-adultery ; but the vintners , an impudent generation , broke through these laws as easily as if they had been senators themselves ; nay , had the boldness to raise new exactions upon the subject : this obliged one half of the town , at least , to come down a story lower , and take up with dull english manufacture , so that half our wit lies buried in execrable flip , or fulsome nottingham . to this may be ascribed all those phlegmatick , sickly compositions , that have loaded of late both the theatres , most of which puny butter-prints , like children begot by pockey parents , were scarce able to endure the christening ; and others , with mighty pains and difficulty , lived just long enough ( a methuselah's age ! ) to be crown'd with damnation on the third day . but when money circulates merrily , and claret is to be had at the old price , a new spirit will appear abroad , wit and mirth will shake off their fetters ; and parnassus , that has made such heavy returns of late years , will trade considerably . it would be too tedious to reckon up all the other advantages that the kingdom will receive by this joyful turn of the scene ; but there are some behind , which i must not omit , because the publick is so nearly concern'd in them . we have a world of married men now , that , to save charges , take st. paul's advice in the literal sence , and , having wives , live as if they had none at all , and so defraud both them and the government ; but upon the happy arrival of peace , they 'll vigorously set their hands to the plough again , and the stale batchelors too will find encouragement to marry , and leave behind them a pious race of fools , that , within these twenty years , will be ripe to be knock'd in the head , in defence of the liberty of the subject , and the protestant religion . we hear there 's such a thing as new money in the city , but it only visits the elect , for the generality of people are such reprobates to the government , that they may sooner get god's grace , than a mill'd crown-piece . to inflame our reckoning , tho' there 's so little silver stirring in the nation , that dr. chamberlain is in greater hopes than ever of making his paper-project take , yet the world was never so unseasonably scrupulous . what an usurer wou'd have leap'd at in king charles's time , our very porters now reject ; which is full as ridiculous , as if in the present difficulty of raising recruits , a captain shou'd resolve to take no men but such as were eight foot high , or a gentleman in the last ebb of his fortune , when he can scarcely pay for small-beer , shou'd then , and never before , fall in love with champagen . the last year we had money enough , such as it was , merrily circumcised , the lord knows , however it made a shift to find us wine and harlots : now 't is all silenc'd , and in the room of it , ( but that too , will soon suffer circumcision ) faith passes for current , and never was there a time of more universal chalk , since the apostolical ages . this , among other evils , cannot but have an ill effect , my dear doctor , upon the gentlemen of your profession ; for people at present , are so taken up with the publick transactions , or their own losses , that they have no leisure , or are so poor , that they have no fancy to be sick. the generality of those that are , christen a distemper as they do shipwracks in cornwall , by the name of god's blessing , and tho' a legion of diseases invest them , don't think it worth the while to send for a physician to raise the siege : if they do , 't is for none of the college , 't is for some half-crown chirurgeon , who has cheated the world into an opinion of his skill , by putting greek into his sign , or for a twelve-penny seventh son , that preaches on horseback in the streets ; but in the case of chronical diseases , let the world rub , is the general language . men put off the mending of their bodies , as they do of ill-tenanted cottages , till they have money to spare . there 's a venerable bawd in covent-garden , that had her windows demolished last shrove-tuesday , and she won't repair them neither , till there 's a general peace . i believe no body in the nation will be averse to it , but only our friends in red , and these find their account so visibly in the continuance of the war , that if they ever pray , which , i believe , is but seldom , we must excuse 'em if 't is against that petition , da pacem domine in diebus nostris . some of 'em quitted cook upon littleton , and some abandon'd other stations to go into the service ; and these upon a change of affairs , must either turn padders upon apollo's , or the king 's high road , and either turn authors , or grands voleurs , in their own defence . but paul's will be built in a short time , and then a low-country captain will make as busie a figure in the middle isle , as ever his predecessors did in the days of ben. iohnson . some of them may fight over the battels of steenkirk and landen in ordinaries , or demonstrate how namur was taken , by scaling the walls of a christmas pye ; and others set up fencing schools , to instruct the city youth . the latter , indeed , will act most naturally ; for i observe , that when people are forc'd to change their professions , they keep to 'em as nigh as they can , tho' they act in a lower sphere : so for instance , a batter'd harlot makes a discreet bawd , and a broken cutler an excellent grinder of knives . as for the poets , i believe they are the most indifferent men in the kingdom as to what happens : they have lost nothing by the french privateers since the revolution ; nor are like to do , if the war lasts seven years longer , so it may be supposed they will not be angry to see the only calumny of their profession , i mean their poverty made universal ; and indeed , if to pay people with fair words , and no performance , be poetical , there 's more poetry in grocers-hall , than in parnassus it self . but , my dear doctor , after all this mighty discourse of a peace , for my part , i shou'd believe as little of it , as i do of most of mr. aubrey's apparition stories , but that we have not money enough to carry on this great law suit , much longer , ( for in effect , war is no other , only you must fee more council , and give greater bribes ) and the lord have mercy , say i , on a man that sues , or a prince that fights for his right in forma pauperis . this , and nothing but this , makes me imagine we shall have a peace , and not the christian piety of one or t'other side . and to say the truth , half the vertue in the world , if traced to the cradle , will be found to be the lawful issue of meer necessity . people lay aside their vices , to which their vertues succ●ed , just as they do their cloaths , sometimes when they are un●ashionable , but generally when they are worn thread-bare , and will hang about them no longer . a godly rascal of the city leaves off cheating , when the world will trust him no longer ; and a rakehell turns sober , when his purse fails , or his carcase leaves him in the lurch : and lastly , which word● i don't doubt , sounds as comfortably to you , as ever it did to a hungry sinner in a long-winded church ; 't is for want of more paper , more ink , and more candle that i persecute you no longer , who am your most humble servant , t. brown . to mr. raphson , fellow of the royal society . i send you by the bearer hereof , mr. aubrey's book , that you have so much long'd to see : 't is a collection of omens , voices , knocking 's , apparitions , dreams , &c. which whether they are agreeable to your system of theology , i cannot tell . and now i talk of dreams , i have often wonder'd how they came to be in such request in the east : whether their imaginations in those hot countries are more rampant than ours , or whether the priesthood , for their own ends , cultivated this superstition in the people , which i am rather inclined to believe ; yet 't is certain , that affairs of the last consequence , have been determin'd by them . an interpreter of dreams , was , in some sort , a minister of state in those nations● and an eastern king cou'd no more be without one of that profession in his court , than an european prince without his chaplain , or confessor . homer too , the father of the bards , had a great veneration for dreams . 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 . he makes them all iure divino you see ; had he liv'd in archbishop laud's time , he cou'd not have said more for monarchy , or episcopacy . if you can pardon this foolish digression , ( for which i can plead no other excuse than the dog-days ) i have something of another nature to communicate to you , which i am confident will highly please a gentleman of your curiosity . dr. connor , o● the college of physicians , and eellow of the royal society , hath now published in latin , his evangelium medici , seu medicina mystica de suspensis naturae legibus , sive de miraculis . he designs in this book , to show by the principles of reason and physick , as likewise by chymistry and anatomy , that the natural state of any body can never be so much over-turned , or the scituation of its parts so extreamly alter'd , but it may be conceiv'd in our mind . he treats of organical bodies , and the human in particular : but because some persons , who never gave themselves the trouble , to be fully informed of what he means , have been pleas'd to censure his undertaking as very extravagant , i have his leave to lay open his tenets before you , who are own'd by all that know you , to be so great a master in all parts of learning , and chiefly the mathematical . now the chief heads of the matters that he treats of , are as follows . i. of the nature of a body , particularly an organical one , where the structure and natural state of the human body is explain'd . ii. how many ways the natural state of the human body , is said to have been supernaturally alter'd . iii. of the laws of motion , and of the three different suspensions of the same , in order to explain all miracles . iv. how it can be conceived , that water can be changed into wine . v. how it can be conceived , that a human body can be invulnerable , immortal , and can live for ever without meat , as after the resurrection . vi. how a human body can be conceived to be in a fire without burning . vii . how we can conceive that an army can pass through the sea without drowning , or walk upon the water without sinking . viii . how it can be couceived , that a man can have a bloody sweat. ix . of the different ways a human body can come into the world ; where is given an account of its generation by concourse of man and woman . x. how we can conc●ive a human body can be form'd of a woman without a man , as christ ' s. xi . how to conceive a human body to be made without man or woman , as adam ' s. xii . how to conceive a human body dead , some ages since , to be brought to life again , as in the resurrection . xiii . how many ways it cannot be conceiv'd , that a human body can be intire and alive in two places at the same time . xiv . of the natural state of the soul , and its influence upon the body . xv. of the supernatural , or miraculous state of the soul united to the body . the doctor desires , and i am sure you 'll own , 't is a very reasonable request , that gentlemen wou'd be pleas'd to suspend their judgments , till they see his reasons , which he will ingenuously submit , without any presumption on his side , to their better und●rstanding . he is the more encouraged to publish his thoughts about these matters , because some of his friends , to whom he has communicated his reasons , have told him , that none but such as will not rightly understand him ( and people of that complexion , are never to be convinc'd ) cou'd deny what he maintains ; because his reasons are not grounded upon any metaphysical abstract , or hypothetical notions , but entirely upon the visible structure of the human body . when your affairs will permit you to come to london , you and i will take an opportunity to wait upon the doctor , who i know will give you what farther satisfaction you can desire . and now , mr. raphson , i hope you have finish'd in your country retirement , your treatise de spatio infinito , reali , which the learned world has so long expected from your hands . all your friends here earnestly long to see you in town , and particularly my self , who am your most obliged friend , and servant , t. brown . two letters by capt. ayloffe . to the lord north and grey . my lord , you seem to wonder , what should be the reason that men , in matters of gallantry , generally have incurr'd the censure of inconstancy , when women prove faithful even to an inconveniency . one reason i believe is , that we hate to be long confin'd , and their conversation soon palls ; tho' what may be assigned , with greater plausibleness , i think is , that those very favours a woman grants to her lover , increase and continue her affection , but withal lessen his . mens passion almost always extinguish with possession ; and what is the parent of a woman's tenderness is the paricide of ours : we seldom adore longer than we desire , and what we aim at most can be conferr'd but once . in our sex there is not that fatal distinction : but as a virgin , after yielding , has dispossess'd herself of that jewel which every one was willing to have purchas'd , and only courted her for . i believe the demonstrations of love from women , are more real than ours ; there being too frequently more of vanity than verity , more of study than affection in our pretences : but it 's no small wound in a woman's heart , that constrains her to speak , and i really am of opinion , that she can hardly love more violently , who confesses she loves at all . a word sometimes drops from their mouths , which , as it was undesign'd , gives a clearer evidence of a growing inclination , than all the elaborate actions and affected languishings , the greatest part of gallants put in practice . a lovely face is certainly the most agreeable object our eyes can behold , and the very sound of the voice of one we dearly love , is beyond the softest harmony : yet , by i know not what fate , i have seen the juncture when both were without any effect , and this more than once . the latitude ( i fancy ) which we take in our addresses , makes the impression but feeble : variety of objects distracts the choice , and we conserve our liberty while we are pitching upon a tyrant . the indulgence of one woman , who is not extreamly charming , makes some sort of reparation for the slighted vows we vainly offer'd to a cruel beauty . few men are so much in love , as to be proof against the continued scorn of the most agreeable phillis : we ask to obtain , not to be deny'd ; and he that can find the ●ame satisfaction in every place , will hardly ●e long confin'd to any one . not but that women , speaking generally , are not so perfidious as men ; and it is iniustice , as well as malice , in us to treat 'em as we do . they deserve really more than policy will permit us to shew 'em they do . your lordship 's humble servant , ayloffe . to a friend in the country . you have now , at length , left scouring the watch , and teizing the exchange-women , bid adieu to bourdeaux , and taken up with barrel-ale . you are all the morning galloping after a fox ; all the evening in a smoaky chimny-corner , recounting whose horse leap'd best , was oftenest in with the dogs , and how readily lightfoot hit the cooling scent , and reviv'd your drooping spirits with a prospect of more diversion ; which some men , who think themselves as wise in the enjoyment of this world , as all the men in oxford-shire , are pleas'd to term meer fatigue . and i believe your own footman would not ride so far and so hard to fetch a good dinner , as both of you do to see the death of a stinking beast . has not the rose as good accommodation as your catherine-wheel inn ? and does not a masque give a more christian-like chase , and conclude in more satisfaction than the animal you wot of ? i saw your letters to some of our club , and laugh'd not a little at the strangeness of your style ; it smelt of filthy tobacco , and was stain'd with your dropping tankard . you acquainted 'em at large with the scituation of your mansion-house ; how a knot of branching elms defended it from the north-wind ; that the south-sun gave you good grapes , and most sort of wall-fruits ; your melons came on apace , and you had hopes of much good fruit this summer . after all , in covent-gard●n market , we can buy , in one quarter of an hour , better plants than your's , and richer melons , for groats a piece , than you have been poring over this three months . you thank'd 'em for some news , that was so old we hardly could imagin what you meant , till tom , who has all the gazetts and pamphlets lock'd up in his heart , as david did the commandments , disclos'd the mystery to us . i pity your new state indeed : your gazetts are as stale as your drink ; which , tho' brew'd in march , is not broach'd till december . the chief topicks of discourse , ( for conversation you have none ) are hawks , horses , and hounds ; every one of 'em as much god's image as he that keeps 'em , and glorifies the creator in a greater degree , and to more purpose . this you call a seasonable retreat from the lewdness of london , to enjoy a calm and quiet life : heaven knows you drink more there , and more ignoble and ungenerous liquors than we in town ; for yours is down-right drinking : your whoring i will allow safer , but it is meer brutality too ; there is no such thing as intrigue in all your county , which is like an exquisite sawce to good meat , qualifying the palate more voluptuously . well , 't is six , and i must to the club , whereas we will pity your solitude , and drink your prosperity , in a cup that is worth a stable of horses and a kennel of hounds so adieu . the end of the first volume . books newly printed for and sold by samuel briscoe , in russel-street , the corner of charles-street , covent-garden , . polybius's roman history , translated by sir h. sneers : with the character and life of the author , by mr. dryden . letters on several ●ccasions : written by and between mr. dryden , mr. wycherl●y , mr. congreve , and mr. dennis : with a translation of vo●ture's letters , by mr. dryden and mr. dennis . the second edition . the world bewitch'd : written by b●ltaz●r b●kker , minister of amsterdam . translated into ●nglish from a copy approvd by the author . the history of the revolu●ion of sweden : translated by the ingenious dr. mitchel . the second edition . mrs. b●●●'s novels and historie● , in one vol. also her memoirs and life , by a lady of her acquaintance , with her pict●re curiously engraven on a copper-plate : wi●h love-le●ter● . the third edition , with novels never before printed . the cour●ier's manual : or the art of prudence : written by balta●●r gracian , one of the greatest wits of sp●in . translated into english by a person of honour . the select c●medies of plautus . transl●ted by mr. eachard . with critical reflections on the ancient and modern dramatique rule , by mr. eachard . there is in the press , and will speedily be publish'd , the annals and history of cornelius tacitus . tran●l●●ed into english by mr. ●ryd●n , and several eminent persons of honour and q●ality . wi●h historical and political not●s , by amelo● de la husa . in three volu●es , ●o . notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a -e * monsieur de besons . novus reformator vapulans, or, the welch levite tossed in a blanket in a dialogue between hick-- of colchester, david j--nes and the ghost of wil. pryn. brown, thomas, - . approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; 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(eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) novus reformator vapulans, or, the welch levite tossed in a blanket in a dialogue between hick-- of colchester, david j--nes and the ghost of wil. pryn. brown, thomas, - . [ ], p. printed for the assigns of wil. pryn ..., london : . reproduction of original in huntington library. attributed to thomas brown. cf. bm. created by converting tcp files to tei p using tcp tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between and available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the , texts created during phase of the project have been released into the public domain as of january . anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. % (or pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf- unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p , characters represented either as utf- unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng hickeringill, edmund, - . jones, david, - ? prynne, william, - . - tcp assigned for keying and markup - spi global keyed and coded from proquest page images - jonathan blaney sampled and proofread - jonathan blaney text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion novus reformator vapulans : or , the welch levite tossed in a blanket . in a dialogue between hick — — of colchester , david i — — nes and the ghost of wil. pryn. quid immerentes hospites vexas canis ignavus adversum lupos ? quin huc inanes , si potes , vertis minas , et me remorsurum petis ? hor. london : printed for the assigns of will. pryn , next door to the devil . mdcxci . the preface . it was the celebrated saying of a certain dutch minister at rotterdam , that to drink mum in a morning was the same thing in effect , as to put on one's night-cap in a morning . the gentleman's meaning , i suppose , was this , that mum was an heavy , dull sort of a liquor , that disposed people to be sleepy afterwards ; and of this nature , according to some persons , are all stupid treatises , and all insipid pamphlets . to read a page or two of 'em is literally and really all one with putting on one's night-cap ; they are true opiates , and ought to visit the world at first in the very same place , in which they generally take their farewel of it , viz. in a drugster's shop . but i , that could read over the late famous sermon of the vicar of bray , who , to his honour be it spoken , still keeps up the reputation of his place , and does not in the least degenerate from the noble vertues of his great predecessors ; and what was a greater tryal both of my patience , and the strength of my constitution , i that could read over mr. n — rris's essay about the vanity of humane learning , which he dedicates to a blind lady , with ichabod , the answer to the vox cleri , the mundus muliebris , the weekly observator , the rector of exeter's case penn'd by himself , the latin translation of milton's paradice , all the late plays , and other numberless compositions of the same stamp and dignity , and all this without the least inclination to take a nap , thought my self secure from the ill influences of one single sermon , tho' it were never so well stored with opium , and therefore made no difficulty at all of giving it a perusal . what gave me the greater curiosity to examine it at my leisure hours , was to see whether it deserved the mighty character , that abundance of people about the town were pleased to confer upon it . for to my own knowledge several persons commended it for a piece of great eloquence and ingenuity , that have not sense enough to distinguish between the no-language and no-rhetoric of baxter's everlasting rest , and the solid beautiful reasoning of the whole duty of man. and again , it past universally in dick's coffee-house for a discourse of great piety and sincerity , amongst an herd of men , who have no other way to shew their concern for the protestant religion , but by railing at the priesthood all the world over ; or their zeal for the present monarchy , but by perpetually asserting the deposing power ; men that without the greatest assurance imaginable can make no pretensions either to piety or sincerity , and who before this time could never endure any publique harangue that was guilty of having two such unpalatable ingredients in it . one would indeed wonder , if he could condescend to wonder at any particular passage in so strange an author , to find so tedious and impertinent a digression about pluralities and non-residence , and other clergy-sins , in a sermon that was purely calculated for a city auditory , and designed for another end ; unless the author was resolved before-hand to bilk his text , viz. the discountenancing of pride . a man that is altogether unacquainted with this pindarick way of preaching , would no more expect to find a long catalogue of levitical enormities in a discourse of that nature , than to meet a formal harangue against flattery in a book of heraldry , or a sober reproof of perjury in a plot-mongers narrative : or lastly , a caution against simony in a white-chappel treatise . i remember i knew a certain frugal gentleman some years ago , who was only master of one simile , and that serv'd him upon all occasions : so with him a man smoak'd like a dragon , and drank like a dragon , and eat like a dragon ; in fine , slept , walk'd , fought , rode , jok'd like a dragon , and did every thing you can name like a dragon . after the same manner there are several persons in the world of great malice , but barren inventions , that are tolerably well stored with one sort of satyr and invective , and this they very judiciously apply to all subjects , and use before all companies , tho' for the most part it comes as ill-favouredly and odly into the discourse , as charon and his boat into michael angelo's piece of the last iudgment . our author is one of this number . i dare engage ( for the reader must understand i am no stranger either to his person or character ) that if he were to preach before civilians , soldiers , tarpawlins , citizens or courtiers , at the temple , the spittle , wappin or whitehall ; nay , were it at a county feast , or at the head of a drum , or an alderman's burial , this same clamour about pluralities and non-residence would make up the better part of the entertainment with him . he treats his prelates with as little of his good breeding as jo. hindmarsh does his authors , and can no more forbear to rail at his superiors , whenever they fall in his way , than a barber at those gentlemen that trim themselves by their own looking-glasses ; or the city porters at the first projector of the penny-post office. this surly brutal principle is partly owing to the sowerness of his constitution , and has been since improved and advanced into an habit , by that just ill usage and universal contempt that his own arrogance and insupportable temper have drawn down upon him . i would not willingly be thought guilty of so much impertinence , as to pretend to advise a man of his invincible and stedfast obstinacy ; or otherwise i would counsel him , if ever he designs to plague the book seller with any more of his productions , and withal would pass incognito , to lay aside his celebrated talent of censuring and railing , for a while , and speak just as other men do when they have a mind to appear in publick : for this i can tell him for his comfort , he will be as effectually disguised in his civility and good manners , as an alsatian bully is by washing his face , and putting on a clean cravat . indeed , as he has order'd matters , i am afraid this conduct will be somewhat too late for him to use in the pulpit ; he has drawn an heavy rent-charge of scandal and railery upon himself , which now every body expects at his hands ; and the town will no more relish any of his doctrin without a good lusty invective against the clergy to recommend it , than they 'll endure to hear a mountebank's tedious cant , without the preceeding diversion of a farce , or a man of sense would do penance in d — rfy's company without the amends of his singing . his shoals of prentices , blew aprons , and other auditors of that noble figure are a severe sort of task-masters ; if they should ever hear that he has apostatiz'd from calumny , and suffer'd himself to be perverted and debauched into civil language , away they would go and abandon him for a reprobate : nay , if he should go about to disappoint , or rather to cheat 'em of never so little of their accustom'd portion in slander and back-biting , they would as certainly leave him , as they do the house , where they are denied a full-pot , and eleemosynary tobacco . for in short he has used them to this fulsom dyet , and now he is bound in honour to furnish his table with it still , which i confess he can do at a cheaper rate than any of his brethren ; people go on purpose to hear him for the sake of that defamation and ribbaldry he constantly provides for them , as the sparks of the other end of the town visit b — rgesse's coventicle to be diverted with tall metaphors and everlasting grimace , so that a sermon of his would no more pass without the usual ragoust of reviling and reproving , than a smithfield shew without a ghost or a devil ; and if he has ever a mind to change his stile , he must at the same time resolve to change his county . the truth on 't is , both the author and his sermon are of so low and inconsiderable a character in the world , that if it were not for the two following reasons i had never troubled my head either with the one , or the other . he is pleased to say pag. . of his sermon , that to let a man go unreproved , in his sins , is to flatter him : now because i would not lie under the severe imputation of flattering our author ( for i had much rather the world should think me guilty of all the seven deadly sins , than of that single scandal , ) i was easily prevailed upon to give him a chastisement , and that too in as publick a manner as his crimes deserved . in the next place , he had unhappily , i can't tell how , deceived some ignorant people into a great opinion of his probity and learning , and i was resolved to undeceive them . if he seriously designs the discouraging of vice , and the promoting of piety , why then does he amuse his auditors with things that have no relation to 'em , nay things that in all probability will render the rest of his doctrin of no effect ? or why does he busy himself in a province where he 's no more concerned , than our present unweildy elephant of a laureat in any of the city dancing-schools ? to pretend to reform mens manners , and yet instruct 'em how to rail at their pastors with a better grace , is as ill-contrived a piece of stupidity , as to encourage a boy in his books , and yet at the same time to tell him that his master is either a raskal or a blockhead . will his mighty bellowing against non-residence oblige the tradesman to a closer attendance of his shop , or make him visit the tavern less ? will his condemning of pluralities make the chirurgeon leave prescribing of physic , or deter the shooemakers from invading the corn-cutter's business , or fright the wicked coffee-man from dealing in cherry-brandy and vsquebagh ? will his arraigning the clergy for removing from a poor to a rich benefice , have that effect upon the mercers , and lace men , as to keep 'em in the city , and hinder them from exchanging pater-noster-row for the piazza's in covent-garden ? or lastly , will the perpetual reproaches that he bestows so liberally upon his ecclesiastical governors , perswade the republican party to sacrifice their old seditious principles , and talk with more respect of a monarchy for the future ? and now after all , if he has no farther designs in his head , than to be advanced to the next vacant curacy or reader 's place , since by his insufferable behaviour he has lost all his expectations elsewhere , i can only tell him he 's exceedingly out in his politics , and that he has taken as rude and unmannerly a course to get himself preferred , as the city marshals by keeping a horrid noise with their damned drums at people's doors , to make 'em remember their christmass-box . for my own part i must needs declare , that i look upon want of preferment to be the chief , if not the only reason of our young reformer's inveighing so zealously against the rest of his brethren : whatever the matter is , i could never entertain any great opinion of that man's sanctity , let his life be never so austere , and his pretences never so specious , that places the better part of his religion in libelling and traducing his superiours : besides 't is a true observation , that no one rails at pluralities so strenuously , as he that cannot arrive to one single benefice ; as we see no member of the house falls upon the court party with that heat and vigour , as the man that designs to be made a minister of state for his pains : and 't is an usual thing for those that are forced to trudge it a foot in the dirt , to wish the devil had all those persons that ride by in their glass-coaches . he quotes aristotle's rhetorick pag. the th , for that memorable saying of his , that riches make men haughty and insolent , ( tho' it seems , poverty has had the same effects upon himself ) and thus a st. bernard or a st. austin's name have been used in a country pulpit to prove that patience is an excellent vertue , or to justifie any of the most common received , notorious truths . but however with reverence be it spoken , a man that will give himself the trouble to read his sermon , would no more suspect that he was acquainted with aristotle's rhetorick , than that mr. h — rris or mr. p — wel , or any of the modern play-writing actors are acquainted with aristotle's criticisms upon poetry . there 's a continued vein of vicious language and reasoning that runs through all the discourse ; and were it not , that the whole sermon from the beginning to the end is exactly of the same piece and contexture , i would cull out some of the most remarkable passages in it for the reader 's diversion as well as his farther satisfaction . but now i think better on 't , we were not to expect any such thing as rhetorick from our author , for pag. . he very gravely rebukes all those ministers that come to church to make speeches , and to preach themselves , and turn the church into a theatre and the pulpit into a rostrum . we know well enough for whom this surly reproof was meant , but for this once let it fall upon our authors dearest friends the fanatick divines , for i am certain they deserve it best . those that now and then go to hear 'em , know that they make speeches , and fine ones too , if the hour-glass may be allowed to be iudge ; and that they preach themselves , especially towards the end of a quarter , when the people are to be reminded of their contribution-mony , and that to mr. betterton's loss , by their several ridiculous postures and actions they turn the church into a theatre ; and where 's the wonder ? for their devout forefathers used to turn 'em into stables . i must confess , i am no passionate admirer of any formal set discourses , where one meets a great deal of good language , but very sorry sense or thought at the bottom ; and yet i cannot endure to see a noble subject labour under the weight of barbarous expressions , nor can i possibly bring my self to be of the same opinion with the generality of the non-conformist ministers amongst us , who either out of ignorance or design lard their lean sermons with the most fulsom metaphors , and the meanest words they can meet , or if they have none of these ready to their hands , make no more scruple of coining new ones of the same quality ( such as nothingness , self-savingness , &c. ) than the modern souldiery of stamping one of their pewter buttons into a farthing . to think that the christian religion is profan'd by good language , or that clean eloquence in a discourse of piety is as insignificant as ( if i may borrow a simile from the apocrypha ) a scare-crow is in a garden of cucumbers , is a gross ridiculous piece of superstition ; and can only be excused by the sottish reveries of the capuchins , and other doting orders in the church of rome , who place the greatest part of their devotion in being nasty and slovenly , and fancy they dishonour god almighty by wearing a clean shirt . i have dwelt the longer upon our author in the preface , because i was resolved to allow him but a very small share in the dialogue . his two companions mr. pryn , and the blustering theologue of colchester , as they are too well known by their works to put any one to the expence of writing their characters , so they were persons of better sense and malice , and consequently more likely to entertain the reader with their conversation . when i was talking of the most memorable occurrences that lately happened , i cowd not forbear to enlarge a little about the merits of the comprehension , and when my hand was in there , to bestow a visit upon my old friend of white-chappel . no sensible man i presume will be angry with me , if i have not treated him with that respect and decorum that ought to be used towards persons of his function and station : for if this sort of style is criminal , it must be remembred that he gave the occasion and that i have only copied from his answer to the vox cleri . it would raise any man's indignation , that is not altogether composed of those two very bad monosyllables , phlegm and schism , to find him there so barbarously insulting upon the ashes of the late blessed royal martyr● , and insinuating that the immortal portraiture is a spurious piece ; but to our comfort be it observed , he has past the same censure upon st. ignatius's epistles . in the same book with his usual good manners and breeding he scurrilously reflects upon two as eminent men as any we have in the church , who are as much above his little invectives , as they scorn the little tribute of his panegyricks . and he likewise abuses two other great ornaments of our nation , after another way , that is , with a great deal of his nauseous thredbare flattery , in hope , i suppose , of being preferr'd by them . but this , in my opinion , is the most scandalous , and if i may so call it , the most vncanonical simony any man can be guilty of . for my own particular , i must needs confess , that as augustus was pleased to say of k. herod , that he would rather chuse to be his hog than his son : so in relation to the above-mentioned dr. i would rather chuse to be his adversary than his friend . as i was his adversary i could only lie open to the feeble efforts of his malice , which can injure no body : but if i were so unfortunate as to be thought his friend , i could not promise my self to be secure from his panegyricks , which , as they may render a man's reputation suspected , so they are the most dreadful terrible things in the whole world. if i have done any thing for which i am to beg the reader 's pardon , 't is for suffering so inconsiderable a trifle to sleep so long in my hands . not to conceal any of my infirmities from the world , i am sometimes possessed with the spirit of laziness as well as other people , especially when 't is my fortune to light upon a dull subject , and then i use to retard and delay the affair , as naturally , as a lawyer does an unpaying clients cause . but of all things in the world i should never desire to be forgiven for pursuing my argument with too much severity , if i had done it , as indeed i have not . for besides that some parties as well as persons i could name , deserve no quarter at an enemies hand , so a weak impotent performance is full as inexcusable in raillery , as it is in the business of love : and an adversary , let his character be what it will , is like a nettle ; if you touch him gently , he certainly pricks and stings you for your civility ; but if you squeeze him hard , 't is ten to one you hear no more of him . a dialogue between hick — and david , and pryn's ghost . pryn. bless me ! whereabouts am i ? have i mistaken my way or no ? well , i am resolved to enquire of the next man i meet , that i may be satisfied . see , here one comes , but he 's a levite i perceive by his garb , and they are a sort of people i never much fancied in all my life , no more than the rest of my profession . i 'll venture however to accost him — reverend sir , your humble servant . if your occasions are not very pressing , i wou'd desire the favour of you to satisfie me in a certain scruple that troubles me . hick . a very odd formal fellow this ! satisfie you in a certain scruple do you say ? come then , dispatch honest friend as soon as you can ; dispatch i say out of hand . for — pryn. nay , sir , 't will be soon resolved , there 's no great difficulty in the question , i can assure you . hick . prithee friend don't banter me with any of your assure me 's . i tell you my name is hick — of colchester , and therefore don't amuse me with any tedious , flourishes at your peril . if you have any scruple about the legality of the spiritual courts , why here 's my naked truth for you : or if your scruple has any relation to the liturgy , then make use of my ceremony-monger . pryn. no , i thank you sir , 't is nothing of that nature — in short sir , i wou'd only request you to inform me where i am , and what is the name of this place ? hick . sure this old fashion'd gentleman designs to put a trick upon me , but i 'll soon cure him of his jesting humor why really honest friend , this question of yours , as you told me , carries no great difficulty with it ; but what wou'd you say to me now , if i should give my self the trouble to beat you most immoderately , if i should pull you by your worshipful nose , or bestow a perpetual almanac upon you bones , before i go ? pryn. i deserve no such usage from your hands . upon my sincerity , reverend sir , i meant you no harm by my question . 't is not my way to impose upon any man. i am really ignorant of the name of this place , and must once more desire you to tell me where i am . i find i must give my levite good words . 't is a huge thundring two handed theologue . hick . aside . stay , let me consider a little . by that sanctified aspect , and formal band he should be none of those persons that use to make sport with people in the streets . 't is certainly some scotch minister or other that lost himself in a vision last night , and is not yet recovered . — well sir , i believe your intentions are honest , and that you had no design to put the doctor upon me , as the saying is . you must know then you are in london , but i profess i wonder in my heart how you cou'd be ignorant of it ? you are a stranger to this city without question . pryn. no sir , that is your mistake . i have a great deal of reason , i am sure , to remember it . i lived the better part of my life in this place , and i can never reflect upon it without the most sensible concern in the world. if you were acquainted with my name and history , you 'd say the same . hick . why this is stranger and stranger still . cou'd you pass the better part of your life in this town , and yet not know the name of it ? not to use any ceremony with you , honest friend , in my opinion you must be either drunk or mad , chuse which you please . pryn. neither sir , i am the ghost of william pryn , formerly utter barrister of lincolns-inn yonder , a man that made no insignificant figure in the world. i presume a person of your years and gravity cannot be unacquainted with my writings and sufferings here . judge you then , whether i have not reason enough to remember this city ; only the new buildings and strange alterations every where so surprized me at first , that i cou'd not positively determin where i was . hick . and are you the ghost then of william pryn of happy memory ? i profess i am ravished with joy to behold you . how can i ever thank my stars sufficiently for furnishing me with so favourable an interview ! tho' i have some business of great moment and consequence that calls me to the other end of the town , yet i am resolved to sacrifice it for this time to enjoy the happiness of your learned conversation . — well mr. pryn , i must needs own , you have reason enough in all conscience to remember this sinful wicked town ; here , unless the chronicle misinforms me , you lost a pair of ears to the indignation of a cruel persecuting arch-bishop : here you encounter'd with prelacy and superstition , and here you erected an everlasting trophy upon the demolished abomination of high places . 't is impossible for me to tell you , what an exceeding pleasure i take in seeing you ; and i am inclin'd to flatter my self , that my company wou'd not be altogether disagreeable to you , if you were better acquainted with my character . pryn. you 'll extreamly oblige me , dear sir , if you will be pleased to give me a relation of your life . but may a stranger make so bold as to request this favour at your hands ? hick . as i told you before , hick — is my name , and colchester is the place of my habitation . i have in my time wrestled with a mighty prelate as well as your self , and declaimed as heartily against the exactions of doctors commons , as ever you did against the illegal oppressions of the star-chamber . 't is true , the books i have wrote for the common cause are not as yet arrived to a cart-load ; but then give me leave to tell you they are full as tuant , and as well stored with invectives as any of yours . i have as great an aversion to episcopacy as your voluminous self , and never failed to bellow against the ceremonies and discipline of the church as often as i had an opportunity to do it . indeed as to the point of sufferings , i must own my self inferior to you , tho' that was none of my fault . a short imprisonment , a suspension and the formality of making a recantation . ( which i had the grace to disown the very next moment ) were the utmost of my punishment ; but then as for a hearty , through-paced inclination to the cause , i cannot prevail with my self to allow you the precedence . pryn. i am glad to meet with a person of my own complexion and humour : but sir , now we are here , between our selves , is it not unnatural and odd for a man of the indelible character , to rail at his brethren of the same profession ? does it not sound ill in the world , for a son of the church , and one that gets his bread by the church , to rail openly at his mother , and endeavour to undermine her settlement ? you know what the satyrist long agoe observed , parcit cognatis maculis similis fera . now as for my self , i was a lawyer , and we lawyers as all the world can tell you , could never set our horses with the clergy . we look upon you as a generation of men , that have established a distinct interest from that of the civil government ; for when ever you find any extremities from that quarter , you presently betake your selves to the sanctuary of your spiritual kingdom . besides , not to recount the quarrels we have to your civilians , and the managers of your ecclesiastical thunder , we hate all your tribe for spoiling so many good law-suits as you do ; by preaching up those old , musty doctrins of love and unity , and promoting so many references and arbitrations amongst the people , to the grief and prejudice of all the poor suffering sons of cook upon littleton . hick . i never expected such a reprimand from mr. pryn : if you were but tolerably acquainted with my history , i am sure you would never tax me with the guilt of propagating peace and unity in my parish . indeed if a pious endeavour to set all mankind together by the ears , is the way to advance peace and unity in the world , i will willingly submit to all the scandal of your imputation . but is it possible mr. pryn , that you are so far altered from what you were formerly , as to reproach me with following your own copy , that is , with railing at the discipline and ceremonies of the church , and siding with the fanatick party ? pryn. no , no , heroick sir , you have quite mistaken my meaning ; i only made bold to tell you , that it looks a little unnatural methinks , to see a clergyman expose the miscarriages of the men of his own order ; but at the same time i was very far from quarrelling with you in the least upon that score . you may take my word , ( and you have no reason to think that any of the dead would be guilty of flattery ) that i heartily caress and thank you for the good services you have done us ; for i was always of opinion , that there is no way so effectual to ruin the church , as by engaging some of her own members to carry on the design . hick . you say right , 't is indeed the securest way in the world to bring about such an undertaking ; for when any of the laity bestow their invectives very liberally upon the church , the people are apt to suspect that devotion and honesty have ● very little share in the matter , but that either a principle of malice , or some particular picque or other has imbitter'd them against the clergy : but now 't is a different case with those of my function ; if we reproach our brethren with their ignorance , we purchase our selves the reputation of learned , able men ; if we accuse 'em of a persecuting spirit , we are presently extolled for persons of moderation ; if we rail at them for their immoralities , o what a sober primitive minister is this , though perhaps he takes off his half dozen bottles of claret before he goes to bed. if we keep a great pother about pluralities and non-residence , why here 's a true labourer in the vineyard for you ; and if we tell our people that ceremonies are but foolish , impertinent things , and meer human inventions , the congregation immediately cries us up for pastors that have the power of godliness , and are disingaged from all the prejudices of superstition and will-worship . pryn. i find , dear sir , you are not to learn your trade from me ; you are infinitely above any of my poor instructions . hick . 't is true , the discerning part of mankind , are too wise to be shamm'd after this rate ; they are sensible enough , that 't is either want of preferment , or some private grudge that makes us take up the cudgels against our brethren ; but then their number is too small , and consequently too contemptible to be regarded ; and you know 't is our business to gain the hearts of the mobb , and not to angle for wise men. i am sure i have abundantly found the benefit of this conduct ; the people every where take me for an oracle , and what is ten times more surprizing , they are such invincible fools , as to cheat themselves into a belief of my great zeal and sincerity . thus i have so far compassed my designs , that the church is generally disrespected for my sake ; and that , i need not tell you , is no small advance towards its ruin. at the same time i am obliged to tell you , that i received no inconsiderable assistance in this affair , from a sort of men who are stiled in the modern language , sons of comprehension ; who if they had been permitted to have pursued the reformation they designed , had certainly ruin'd the established church , which thing you know the dissenters have been zealously driving at all this last century . pryn. sons of comprehension do you say ? i can't imagine what you mean by the word . is it then a spick and span new faction in the state , or an old one newly furbish'd up ? what do these men design , or to what church do they pretend to belong ? hick . why truly honest mr. pryn , they all of 'em give out that they are zealous members of the established church , and yet no men ever contributed more to the ruin and destruction of it than they have done . their business in short was this ; to remove some of those ceremonies that were eye-sores to the brethren ever since the reformation , ; to castrate the liturgy ; to abdicate the apocrypha ; to enervate the ecclesiastical discipline ; to reduce episcopal jurisdiction into narrower bounds , and extend that of the inferior presbyters : in fine , to leave it to the discretion of the minister , to read as few or as many of the publick prayers as he should judge convenient . pryn. well , i find miracles are not ceas'd amongst you here in this world ; but who could ever imagine that any of those gentlemen , who some years agoe defended every ceremony of the church with so much pains and zeal against the attaques of their adversaries , should be so strangely altered on the sudden , as to part with them freely , and thereby give an occasion to the ill-natured world , to conclude that they were all this while in the wrong , and their enemies in the right ? hick . nay , i cannot forbear laughing , as often as i think of the conceit : some of 'em were well-meaning men , and hoped by these alterations to bring over the most considerable part of the dissenters to church . others found their interest in this conduct ; for since the late revolution , the court , you must understand , seem'd to favour those persons who were for advancing the comprehension . lastly , others ( in which number i reckon my self , ) were willing to be revenged of the church for its ill-usage of 'em formerly , and now had as favourable an opportunity as men could possibly wish , to effect their design . thus you see that indiscretion in some , ambition in others ; but in the most a spirit of malice or revenge , promoted the affair . it would take up too much time to tell you with what intreague and vigour this blessed work , as 't was commonly called , was recommended to the pious care of the convocation that was conven'd for this purpose . one county petition'd to have tobit's dog lashed out of the church ; another presented their grievance against bell and the dragon . some were earnest to have the athanasian creed discarded ; some were for purging the service of matrimony from obscenity ; others desired to have a new set of collects , because the old ones were worn thread-bare with continual wearing ; some thought the prayers too tedious , others thought them too short . one quarrelled at the cross in baptism ; a second found out down right conjuring in the litany ; a third made his exceptions at kneeling at the sacrament . nay , rather than stand out , some were willing to play at such small game , as to pick faults with the calendar , and so desired to have st. george and the rest of his dreaming useless brethren turned out of their freehold there . pryn. 't is very surprizing , i confess , what you have told me . hick . all this while comprehension was the word in city and country . comprehension was still the burden of the song in taverns , and comprehension fill'd up all the idle , impertinent conversation of the coffee-houses ; 't was almost as bad as treason to speak the least ill word of the comprehension . nay would you believe it ? the very butchers on the other side aldgate had got the word amongst them , and made excellent sport with it ; if they happen'd to meet with a furly , morose , ill-bred sort of an ox , that was not over-forward to have any alterations made in his body , or to let a reforming knife strip him of his ceremonious hide , knock him down , cryed the whole fraternity of 'em , dash out his brains , cut his throat there ; 't is a prelatical ox , he won't suffer himself to be comprehended in a halter . pryn. if i were not a ghost now , in spight of my gravity , and the severity of my temper , i could half kill my self with laughing at these stories . hick . i remember i was once at a merry meeting at white-chappel , where you are to know this same business of the comprehension very was zealously set on foot ; and the master of the house who gave us the entertainment , represented the whole mystery of the comprehension in a bowl of punch . pryn. i have frequently conversed with some dutch divines in the other world , who were often talking of the great virtues of punch , and so i am not altogether 〈…〉 to the composition of that liquor : but pray inform me how 't was possible to represent the comprehension in it ? hick . listen then . says our friend , come gentlemen , you know i promis'd you a bowl of punch which that i may make secundum artem , as our doctor has it , and that you who are my acquaintance , may be likewise 〈◊〉 to do the same at any other time , pray take notice of the following prescriptions ▪ 〈◊〉 , here is a gallon of poor passive church of england water , a 〈…〉 , unedifying element , the lord knows , and good for nothing of itself , till there 's an union o● alliance made between it , and some other noble dissenting ingredients . into this , do ye mind me gentlememen , i pour one half pint of good , sharp , independent lime juice ; and afterwards add one pound of superfine addressing pensilvanian sugar . now , says he , lend me the sieve of election , and the ladle of accommodation , and you shall see what a noble sherbet i have made you . pryn. there 's more 〈◊〉 and 〈◊〉 i perceive , to build one of these bowls 〈…〉 it , than a man would at first imagine : i find he must be a master of his trade . hick . a pox on 't , crys our friend , this foolish , insignificant church of england water is too strong as yet for the independent lime-juice , and the pensylvanian sugar ; and therefore to correct , or rather to destroy the unpalatable relish of it for all intents and purposes ; i must , says he , according to our learned doctor 's method , pour in two quarts of lusty and potent presbyterian brandy . now give me , continues he , yonder well-grown anabaptist tost , a tost of years and discretion , a tost that can answer for himself , and so forth . but first of all , let us gently rub him over with the nutmeg of affability , and then dip him over head and ears in this regenerating liquor : 't is done gentlemen , the town 's our own ; but lord ( crys he ) how it rejoyces my heart to see how this powerful presbyterian brandy insults and rides upon the poor passive hierarchical water ! pray gentlemen , come and see this goodly sight , quickly , quickly , here ; so we all peep'd into the bowl , and laugh'd till we were ready to burst our hoops asunder with the conceit . pryn. nay , i cannot discommend you for it ; 't was a scene of mirth enough to divert the most heavy phlegmatick creature in the world. hick . as a certain spark in the room very well observed , we only wanted a consort of the sweet singers of israel , to have sung some spiritual latitudinarian hymn or other , to the tune of the gods and the goddesses , and our entertainment had been compleat ; but we supplied that defect in a manner by the choiceness of our healths ; for first we drank a good health to the scotch covenant ; then we remembred our friends of amsterdam , and all our trusty fellow-labourers near the lake lemane . after this we made a step to the other side of the globe , and there visited the poor churches in new england . lastly , we concluded all with health , wealth and prosperity to all the sons of comprehension , and all the daughters of latitude in christendom . pryn. well , but i forgot to enquire of you , whether the dissenting party gave any great encouragement to this project of the comprehension ; for unless they promised to come in , as soon as these alterations were made ; to what purpose was all this trouble taken ? they could not be so vain as to imagine that this conduct would be very acceptable to their own side , and therefore unless they had moral assurances of bringing over the dissenters , i think they reckon'd all this while without their host , not to take notice that they made themselves cheap and contemptible into the bargain . hick . what some few of the topping leaders amongst the dissenters might promise to do , in case such alterations were consented to , i cannot resolve you ; but as for the generality both of the pastors and the people , i don't believe they would have budged a foot for the matter . perhaps to two or three of their chief levites , a bishoprick of two thousand pounds per annum , with a very few amendments , might have become palatable enough ; but as then such choice blessings could not be distributed to all , and besides were few in number in comparison of more inconsiderable places ; so there 's all the reason in the world to conclude , that but very few would have quitted their station . pryn. i am clearly of your opinion ; for interest you know is the great business of all mankind . the fanatick divines for their part follow their own interest with as zealous an application as any other persons ; and i am assured , that if they found no advantage in the comprehension , they would never comply with it . hick . 't is very apparent that their interest advised them to continue where they were ; and i wonder why the other party were such blockheads , as to believe that they should be ever prevailed upon to sacrifice their old beloved principle ; 't was endeavouring to hedge the cuckoe , even according to the letter . can you mr. pryn believe , that a man of any tolerable discretion would ever leave his congregation , where he reigns as absolute as the mufti does at constantinople ; where he hangs , draws and quarters as he thinks convenient ; where he commands the people's consciences , and consequently their purses ; where he can melt them into tears as often as he pleases ; where he 's caressed and treated every day with as much ceremony , as a young heir is at the first moment when he comes to his estate : can you believe , i say , that he would quit all these mighty advantages , to come to a church where he is not secure of meeting half this respect and veneration ; where his tall metaphors and impertinent harangues will make no impression ; where his theatrical grimaces will be all exploded ; where he must renounce his extempore talent , and put himself to the severe expence of talking intelligibly , unless there were a certain prospect of a larger revenue to make him swallow all these mortifying considerations ? no , no , mr. pryn the dissenting ministers are masters of more discretion than for the sake of a foolish complement or two to relinquish their real interest , and quit so advantageous a post as they are already placed in . pryn. what you have observed of their divines , may i suppose be as reasonably concluded of the laity . as matters were ordered in my time , and i believe they are not alter'd since , the merits of the separation were but very superficially examin'd by the people ; for most of 'em considered that being of that party help'd 'em to a good trade , and what was more tempting helped 'em to the reputation of sanctity , with certain hopes of a saintship into the bargain , and so what wonder is it , if they continued firm to the interests of that church , where there was a good trade , and a good reputation , and a good saintship besides to be had at such reasonable pennyworths ? besides there 's a certain sort of a titillation , which only those who have experimented it can describe , in refusing to submit to whatsoever is publickly established . men love to indulge their own humors , and can't indure to have the government prescribe any rules to ' em . in fine , 't is the only sign of discretion and a mature judgment with some persons to dissent from all mankind , and carve for themselves . i had almost like to have forgot that when we meet in corners to worship , it looks as if we were the little flock of the elect that the heat of persecution had driven into those retreats ; but then all this mighty zeal and devotion that is kept alive by sweating and crowding , and being everlastingly bored by our neighbour's elbows , would certainly evaporate and expire in a large church . so upon the whole matter i find no ground to believe that the people wou'd ever have been inclined to leave their old way of worship , in case their ministers had forsaken them , and therefore 't is i confess a surprizing thing to me that the church of england should ever attempt to new model their constitution , when they could propose so little benefit to themselves from doing it . hick . they expected , you must understand , to have proselyted the whole body of dissenters , tho' you and i have sufficiently observed what an unpracticable ill grounded chymaera it was , and it would appear a thousand times more impossible to be effected , if we should take a full view of the other separatists , as quakers , independents , anabaptists , and so forth , whereas we have only been talking about the presbyterians . but however impracticable the design be , yet those persons who were engaged in the affair , either believed it to be very feasible , or else they would have persuaded the world that they thought it so . for in order to receive this vast number of people they expected , they were contriving how to enlarge the church-porches before-hand ; by the same token that i cou'd never hear any mention made of that project , but it immediately put me in mind of a certain remarkable saying of diogenes . pryn. what was that i pray ? hick . as the story goes , that itinerant phylosopher came by chance to a damned little raskally town in rhodes with a huge swinging pair of gates to it , so he ran to the market place , and cries as loud as ever he was able : good people lock up your gates , shut 'em i say immediately , for fear your town should take a frolick and run out of them . pryn. so you imagined then that if the church-porches had been widen'd , the congregation wou'd have presently run out at the doors , did you not ? hick . why truly mr. pryn i did , and i don't question but that if the comprehension had succeeded , i had been found a true prophet as to this particular . tho' i wish the design had taken effect , because i pray for the church's destruction , and don 't know any way so effectual ▪ to have produced it as what i am discoursing of , yet i cannot forbear to rail at the blindness and indiscretion of those people who laboured so mightily to bring an unavoidable ruin and scandal upon themselves . to quit a firm establishment and throw up the fences of a well compacted discipline , in order to get a little fulsome popular applause for a moment , and oblige some of iohannes de nubibus 's wise relations , was in my opinion as gross a piece of stupidity , as it wou'd have been in sampson , if he were now alive , to cut off his hair wherein his strength depended , and for no other design than to wear a perruque , and qualify himself for keeping company with the beaux of covent-garden . pryn. so it was ; but how came the business to miscarry at last ? hick . tho' we had several persons of great interest and authority that joyn'd with us , and besides the late turn of affairs seem'd very favourable to put this design in excution , yet the major part were of a different opinion . they pretended , that it was below the dignity of the church to alter establishments for the sake of those people , who had taken care to give the world invincible assurances of their being contented with nothing but a throwing up of the whole . that a faction within the church ( which they apprehended might arise in case the comprehension succeeded ) was infinitely more dangerous than the schism without . that if some concessions were made in favour of one party , as soon as that was done , another party might demand to have the like indulgence shewn to them , and perhaps with as much reason , or at least with as much pretence . in fine , that those alterations might have very ill effects with the members of their own communion , and oblige them to seek that steadiness and constancy in another church , which they cou'd not find at home . thus our plea was over-ruled at last , and that hopeful project which had employed so many sucking , sermon-printing authors to recommend it to the world , came unfortunately to nothing , to the great mortification and disappointment of several persons who had amused themselves with no ordinary expectations for their good services in promoting it . but sir , if you please , we 'll wave this subject , which gives me abandance of uneasie thoughts as often as i reflect upon it . — and now honest mr. pryn let me desire you to inform me , what weighty concern it is , that has drawn you from the peaceful mansions of the dead to revisit the world , was it only to indulge your curiosity , or is there a private intreague at the bottom ? pryn. nothing of that nature upon my word . i was desirous to know whether prelacy was abolished , and consequently the whole train of superstition banished and discarded ; how affairs stood with the sober godly part of the nation ; and lastly , what were the crying prevailing sins of the age. this was the true and only occasion of my journey , and i need not tell you , how far you wou'd oblige me by giving me a full account of all these matters . hick . alas mr. pryn , your are come in a very unlucky moment ! i am sorry that i have nothing of consolation to entertain you with . prelacy was never the darling of the people so much as at present ; it is too far own'd and supported by the government to be ever undermin'd or ruined . nay what is the most miserable case of all , it has so conspicuously deserved of the protestant interest in general , as well as of the particular liberty and property of the subject , that we cannot attacque it with the least colourable reproach or calumny . pryn. how ! and is it impossible then to trump the old card of popery , and so forth , upon them ? hick . why , truly mr. pryn 't is even so . we must take our everlasting farewel of that argument , it will do us no farther service i can assure you . it has been the perpetual cry of the saints , you know , ever since the beginning , that when ever a favourable opportunity shew'd it self , the prelates and all that party wou'd immediately list themselves in the service of the man of sin. pryn. i remember it very well , by the same token , that this aspersion did our cause no inconsiderable service in the late wars , when we traduced 'em all for being babylonishly affected ; by vertue of which scandal we made a shift to get an archbishop sacrificed on tower-hill , and the whole fraternity totally extirpated . hick . what you say is indeed very true . but alas ! i cannot think upon it without considering at the same time how unfortunate we their posterity are , who cannot presume to perform such glorious exploits . the only thing we can do , is to make a little clamor about prelatical persecution ; but even this pretence vanishes and makes no impression , as soon as people reflect upon the rigor and iron yoke of presbytery , when by the pious efforts of the parliament in forty three , it was advanced to the chair . but as i hinted to you before , we must take our everlasting farewel of our old dearly beloved topick of popery , for we cannot mention it without reproaching our selves to the highest degree , and doing them the greatest honour in the world. pryn. though i must confess i have an incurable hatred to episcopacy , as i believe all persons have that are deeply tinctured with my principles , yet i cannot forbear to acquaint you , that if what you say is really true , it would oblige me to abate a great deal of my old severity and prejudices against them . hick . the late king you must understand was a zealous bigot for the popish religion , and endeavour'd by all the ways in the world to introduce it into the kingdom ; and as this design was not to be executed , considering the posture of affairs at that time , without making use of an unlimited arbitrary power , and carrying the prerogative to greater heights than any of his predecessors had done ; so the only obstacle he met with , both in regard to popery and the dispensing power , was from the established church . not a single pamphlet appeared , either from the savoy or st. iames's , but immediately all its little artifices were laid open , and all the arguments answered with that perspicuity of thought , that beauty of language , that variety of learning , and above all , that respect to the sovereign then in being , that i , even i , who am a professed enemy to the whole tribe , and hate them as heartily as the apothecaries hate the chirurgeons that intrench upon their trade ; yet cannot forbear to do them this undeniable piece of justice . nay would you believe it ? seven of the prelates chose a voluntary imprisonment , rather than contribute the least either to the introducing of popery , or the slavery of their country ; so that that religion had in a manner abdicated a long time before its monarch . all this while the dissenters — pryn. — ay , what did they do ? for you know they use to smell popery at as great a distance as — hick . as they say a certain peer's horse can smell fire . pryn. and besides hate popery and all its wicked works as mortally . hick . as an itinerant begging levite does pluralities , or a griping old cit does a lecture against oppression . why all this while , mr. pryn. the dissenters sate as mute as a new sea-chaplain in an engagement ; and notwithstanding there were every day fresh advances made in behalf of the romish religion , yet they seemed to apprehend the danger of popery no more , than noah and his family did the conflagration , when they were stow'd up in the ark. pryn. you have certainly a design to amuse me with impossibilities , for in my time i am sure the dissenters were another sort of men ; rather than not find popery some where or another , they could then find it out in christmas-pies and plum-porridge ; and rather than not quarrel with idolatry , they could then quarrel with the will-worship of may-poles . hick . upon my word , mr. pryn , 't is every syllable true what i have told you ; you need not entertain any such ill-grounded a suspicion of me , as to imagine that i would slander them in the least . to reassume my discourse , i don't know of one single sheet of paper that was written either by any of their divines , or so much as a lay elder against the common adversary ; nor did i ever hear of the least inclination they shew'd to oppose popery by way of discourse , unless it were a certain minister of that stamp here in town , who as often as he mentioned king iames in his prayers , very honestly prayed that he might become the terrour of rome . pryn. what ? that a popish king might become the terrour of rome ; o incorrigible sot ! and why not as well that he might become the scourge of constantinople ? nay why did he not carry his ridiculous banter farther , and pray as follows ? viz. may he fall foul upon the skirts of the great mogul , and confound the devices of the cham of tartary . may the bey of algiers truckle to him , and the mad king of madagascar be his most humble servant . may his west-india plantations never fail to send his subjects the best tobacco , and his east-india factories never fail to send them the best spices to put in their bottled ale. all this stuff might have been as pertinently pray'd for , as that a popish king might become the terrour of rome . and was this all they did ? hick . you shall hear . instead of encountering our profest enemies , who were every day gaining ground upon us , the dissenters employ'd themselves in nothing else but charging the church of england with a spirit of persecution , tho' what they suffered was , between friends i may say it , rather upon the score of an open plain conspiracy , than for their religion ; and besides , was not to be named in the same year with what the episcopal party had without any pretence of equity , suffer'd under their dominion formerly . pryn. these undiscreet proceedings gave admirable sport and entertainment to the priests , without question . but pray proceed . hick . shortly after this , the late king for reasons obvious and evident enough , was pleased to issue out a free toleration to all his loving subjects of what perswasion soever ; and tho' the dissenters , if they had had but half the understanding of an humble-bee , might have easily perceived the drift and meaning of that indulgence , yet they either really were , or what is full as stupid , pretended to be altogether insensible of the design . you cannot imagine how dutifully they swallow'd this bait , tho' it scarce served to cover the hook. every gazette was so crouded wtth their fulsome addresses , that a man , unless he had a particular interest at court , could scarce prevail to get a stray'd horse , or a deserting prentice into the advertisements . you 'd almost have sworn , it had rained complements for a twelve month together , as livy says it rained stones before the punick war ; and such indeed these complements were , for they proved as fatal at last to the deluded prince , as the brick-bats did to st. stephen . no young fluttering coxcomb ever deified his mistress after so prodigal a rate , no hungry poet ever squander'd away so much nauseous flattery and rhetorick upon a liberal patron , as they did upon the mistaken monarch for his no gift of a toleration . in short , if they had had all arabia in their hands , it wou'd not have furnish'd them with incense enough upon this occasion : by their frequent correspondence with the other party , they were got too into their dialect , and so talked of nothing else but oblations and sacrifices . and what were their sacrifices ? even those goodly things called lives and fortunes . tho' by the by , mr. pryn , they sacrificed them as really , and as much according to the letter , as the roman priests do their saviour in the sacrifice of the mass. pryn. you have perfectly astonished me with your news . oh the degeneracy of this profligate age. their forefathers i am sure , were men of another kidney . they cou'd scarce be brought to acknowledge the lawful rights of princes ; and here their graceless unworthy sons pay a servile adoration to a confess'd arbitrary power . — well , i find , i must make all the hast i can to the other world , to converse again with the hero's of the last age ; for i have not patience enough to tarry a moment longer in this . hick . nay , nay , mr. pryn , prithee don't be so eager . if you 'll listen a while , you 'll see the dissenters are not a pack of such reprobate creatures , as you concluded them at first to be . the saints you know may sometimes have their back-slidings , and who can help it : but then the saints by virtue of a small repentance , may soon recover their reputation again in the world. to be short , mr. pryn , the dissenters as they are no raskals , so they are no fools ; they knew better things , than to stand by a dispensing monarchy when it came to the trial ; they believed , and still believe no more of the iure divino of king-ship , than they do of the iure divino of the alcoran ; and tho' they made so many specious repeated promises of sacrificing you know what , yet to their immortal honour be it spoken , when they came to consider cooly and soberly of the matter , they found there was rank popery in the word . indeed , if a man had not known them , and their principles somewhat better , he might have been apt to think the same thing of them , as the gentleman did of a certain rake-hell of a levite , whom he found very strenuously declaiming against leudness , viz. that they had been in earnest : but alas , mr. pryn , they designed nothing in the world but a jest , a meer jest , when they made so many solemn vows of their sincerity and allegiance ; and if their conduct in the late reign was a little obnoxious to censure , and so forth ; yet by their behaviour under this , they have made a sufficient atonement for it . since the late revolution they have asserted the deposing power with as much freedom and vigour , as ever they did between forty one and the restauration . the rights of our soveraign lords the people are publickly maintained ; and there 's ne're a pulpit-thrummer of that character here in the town , but has as often told his congregation , that kings are accountable to the subject for every miscarriage : as he has whisper'd to the women , that unless they rifle their husband's pockets to pay the minister , they are to expect nothing but fire and brimstone in another world. pryn. why this makes me some amends for what you told me before . hick . what is more , mr. pryn , all the bold publick spirited pamphlets that visited the world in the late blessed times of liberty and property , have been lately re-printed , and cried about the streets ; and scandal , god be thanked , is as much in fashion every where , as flattery and dissimulation at the court , or cheating in the city , as whoredom in venice , or an insensibility for one's religion in holland . secret histories are as ready money to the godly booksellers , as a secret reserve of claret to the vintner . the covenant begins to regain its credit with the world , and a commonwealth , or what is the same , a precarious monarchy , is not talked of so disrespectfully as formerly . nay , rather than want scandal to furnish our customers with , we have travelled as far as scotland to provide ourselves of so precious a commodity , and now we have enough upon our hands to supply all the markets in christendom . not to be tedious with you , mr. pryn , the dissenters are the very same men as to this particular concern , as ever they were ; and tho' , as in interest bound , they pretend to have the greatest veneration imaginable for their present majesties , yet to keep them in awe , and make them mindful of their stewardship , they treat their royal predecessors with as little ceremony , and as much freedom , as a man would a common porter or scavenger in the streets . their private failings and infirmities have been exposed to the world as publickly as the votes of the house , and what never fails to be done upon such occasions , they have lost nothing at all in the relation . pryn. that i believe . and now , sir , let me tell you , this latter part of your discourse has as it were revived me , if a ghost may be allowed to use such an expression . the truth on 't is , i have in the other world heard most of the things you have been pleas'd to relate to me ; but then the account of affairs that we have below is so very uncertain , and withal reported so differently , according to the particular genius and inclination of the relator , that one cannot tell whom to believe , or what news to depend upon . this was partly the occasion why i impos'd upon myself this troublesome journey ; and i shall always reckon myself indebted to my good stars , for giving me the opportunity to satisfie all my doubts , from the conversation of so worthy a person as yourself , whose sincerity i have no more reason to question , than i have to deny the great obligations of your civility to a stranger . hick . oh fie , mr. pryn ! i must desire you to forbear these complements . i vow to god , you 'll make me blush now , if you advance 'em any farther upon your humble servant . pryn. indeed i must needs own , it rejoyces me exceedingly to hear that our old friends have not apostatized from their ancient principles and tenets about government ; but what troubles me at the same time is , that they have dropt the old pretence and charge of popery , which is to my knowledge , the best jewel they have in their crown . their ancestors i am confident wou'd sooner have renounced their magna charta , and hopkins into the bargain , than have parted with so advantageous , and so popular a calumny . i remember those blessed times , and the remembrance of 'em is the greatest entertainment i have to relieve all my pensive moments in the shades below , when every thing in the world that was displeasing and offensive to the brethren , went under the name of horrid , abominable popish superstition . organs and maypoles , bishops courts and the bear-garden , surplices and long hair , cathedrals and play-houses , sett forms and painted glass , fonts and apostles spoons , church-musick and bull-baiting , altar-rails and rosemary on brawn ; nay , fiddles , whitson-ale , pig at bartholomew-fair , plum-porrige , puppet-shows , carriers bells , figures in gingerbread , and at last moses and aaron , the decalogue , the creeds , and the lord's prayer — hick . pass'd all for antichristian carnal devices , rags of popery , things of human invention , set up by the man of sin to scandalize the saints , and pervert the unstable . pryn. you say right ; and so was every thing you can name , except a black sattin cap. hick . because it savoureth of gravity . pryn. a sack-posset . hick . for lo ! it encourageth the minister in his ministry . pryn. a surloyn of beef . hick . because the saints are verily gross feeders . pryn. a long cloak . hick . because , like charity , it covereth a multitude of sins . pryn. a long prayer . hick . because widdows and orphans are not palatable without ' em . pryn. a long allegory . hick . for behold it is very refreshing to the white aprons . likewise except long ears , mr. pryn. there i think i have bobbed you . pryn. aside . an extempore sermon . hick . because extempore nonsence , is more excusable than studied nonsence . pryn. an ordinance of both houses . hick . because a king is virtually included in them . pryn. a fat capon and a bag-pipe . hick . because the one is a geneva dish , and the other a scotch covenanting instrument . lastly , mr. pryn , to sum up all the evidence together , because we wou'd not lose time , except committee-men and lay-elders , battle and murder , free quarter and famine , sequestrations and decimations , compositions and monthly excise : and all this was but necessary and requisite , in order to humble the prophane , to mortifie the ungodly , and pull down the pride of the wicked malignants , that so being sequestred from the vanities of this world , they might have nothing else to mind , but how to lick themselves whole in another . pryn. then my dear friend , we carried on the blessed work of the reformation , as far as zeal inspired with interest cou'd carry it . we reformed the almanacks , new christen'd the festivals , unsainted the apostles , set the chimes to psalm-tunes , and gutted the bible of the service-book and apocrypha . a crown , a cross , an angel and bishop's head cou'd not be endured , so much as in a sign . our garters , bellows , and warming-pans wore godly motto's , our band-boxes were lined with wholesome instructions , and even our trunks with the assembly-mens sayings . ribbons were converted to bible-strings . hick . and so were graces to long-prayers , and churches to stables . pryn. nay , in our zeal we visited the gardens and apothecaries shops . so unguentum apostolicum was commanded to take a new name , and besides , to find security for its good behaviour for the future . carduus benedictus , angelica , st. iohn's-wort , and our ladies thistle were summoned before a class , and forthwith ordered to distinguish themselves by more sanctified appellations . thus by the plausible appearance of our great piety , and our zealous performances in rooting out popery and superstition , we got an absolute ascendant over the hearts of the people , and managed them just as we pleased . but alas , these golden times are clearly gone , and i am afraid we are to expect 'em no more . hick . i told you before , mr. pryn , 't is to no purpose to charge the church of england with any more popery . what they did in the late reign has made such an effectual impression upon every body , that so ridiculous a calumny is never to be used , at least as long as this generation is alive . besides , to tell you the truth , the people are somewhat wiser in this age , than to take every thing for popery , which a formal thing in a little band , and a black cloak calls by that name . pryn. why then we must bethink ourselves of some other expedient . i remember a pleasant story of a fellow in my time , that had a show at a fair , so it seems the business in hand required a little snow : says the master of the booth to the fellow that managed affairs behind the curtain , why don't you snow there ? sir , says the fellow aloud to him , all the white paper 's gone . why then you blookhead , cries the master , snow in some brown paper . and therefore mr. hick — , since the old clamour about popery will be no longer serviceable to us , let us conjure up something else to promote our cause . hick . that 's well enough considered . and who so fit to draw up the indictment against the prelatick party , as the experienced mr. pryn ? your talent i am sure lies in scandal , and unless the other world has alter'd you for the worse , you are not unprovided of malice to encourage you to do it . pryn. what think you then , if we shou'd tax 'em with ignorance , and want of learning ? hick . it wou'd do very well , i confess , if you cou'd but perswade the booksellers to burn all the books and sermons they have printed within these twenty years ; for those are like to be so many speaking evidences against us : and then you must be sure to clap a padlock upon most of the conventicles here in town ; for if our enemies should take occosion to peep in there , 't is ten to one , but they 'll return the charge back again upon those that began it ; there 's first of all mr. burg — ss , yonder in covent garden , must be desired to hold his peace ; for you cann't imagine how strangly people talk of him , for the freedom he uses in his pulpit , and particularly saying , a sunday or two ago , that our saviour was the second edition of god almighty's will with amendments . then we must likewise silence poor mr. mayow , at colledge-hill , he that in the days of yore held a brew-house in commendam with a conventicle , by the same token that the ungodly rail'd at him for keeping pluralities , not knowing that the saints ought to have grains of allowance given ' em . and lastly the zealous mr. timothy cr-s-r must be serv'd after the same manner , a plain unaffected preacher , 't is true , and one that values himself as much upon the score of his being unacquainted with the fathers , as a jealous cheapside cit hugs himself for being unacquainted with any of the borrowing courtiers . he was haranguing the other day about the late rapes , and told his auditory , that so manifold and sundry were the rapes committed in and about the town , that it looked as if the great enemy of mankind the devil , had sown the city with rape-seed . this has sunk his reputation somewhat in the world. there are several others in the same predicament with these ; but it wou'd be as troublesome to enlarge upon their characters , as to acquaint you with all the variety of night-caps , flannel shirts , wastcoats , doublets , and upper-coats a certain noble peer wears in the winter . pryn. i find by what you have told me , it will not be so very convenient to muster up the charge of ignorance . but what say you now to the old imputation of debauchery and profaneness . hick . i am afraid , mr. pryn , this same business will do us as little service as the former , 't is a two-edged sword , and cuts either way . we still call ourselves indeed , the sober godly part of the nation ; for the same reason , i suppose , as the kings of england stile themselves kings of france , viz. because our forefathers were so : but they , a shame take 'em for it , wore their hypocrisie to rags , and so their sons were cheated of their inheritance , and have only the name to boast of . a pious sister can now pass by a church , even when the organ is playing , and yet fall into no fits , or be discomposed at the matter : and a moody brother can ride his horse by a may-pole , and yet the insensible beast never starts , or offers to throw his master ; even singing of psalms in private families is as much out of fashion , as paying of debts with the men of alsatia ; a man may go through the poultry , or any of the most sanctified streets about the town a hundred times , and hear none of the comfortable poetry of sternhold , and wisdom . lay elders send their daughters to dancing schools , and their sons wear long hair , and set up for sparks of the town . 't is a sad observation , mr. pryn , but a very true one , that as a miser generally begets a prodigal , so a saint begets a rake-hell . pryn. alas , i am sorry to hear it , and is there then ne're a publick spirited son of thunder in the whole tribe , that has courage and hardiness enough to lash the degeneracy of the age , and awake people to a sense of their duty ? hick . no mr. pryn , since you left the earth , we have been destitute of such brave , fiery , resolute patriots . there is indeed one mr. stephens a poultry-author , that has very lately attempted something of this nature , but through his too zealous management of the affair it happen'd to miscarry . he proposed to the parliament , to have the beginning or pledging of a health , punish'd with the same penalty as he sets upon swearing , which is the precise sum of twenty shillings , and in case of disability , to have those notorious offenders put in the stocks and whipt . so likewise , for any one that should presume to keep an organ in a publick house , to be fined l. and made uncapable of being an ale-draper for the future . but mr. st — did not think this punishment was sufficient for 'em , so he humbly requested to have 'em excommunicated into the bargain , and not to be absolv'd without doing publick penance ? pryn. and did so pious a project as this come to nothing do you say . hick . 't is very true , mr. pryn , it was nipt in the bud . not to be tedious with you , there are none of the dissenters that make any tolerable pretence to their ancient austerity but the quakers , and even they begin to decline by degrees from their primitive institution . they still make a shift to retain their distinguishing garb , their little cravats , broad-brim'd hats , short hair , and coats without pockets before ; but as for the rest of the separatists , they have clearly lost all their ear-marks ; you may meet with twenty and twenty of 'em in the streets , and yet not be able to distinguish 'em from the prophane part of mankind , by any exterior appearances . and to say the truth , their forefathers are to be blamed for it ; they wore their hypocrisie , as they say a welch-man wears a shirt , till it drop off from their shoulders ; they did not leave hypocrisie , but hypocrisie left them . pryn. well , i should utterly despair of ever hearing that presbytery wou'd make a figure again in the world , unless it were for some comfortable news that i have learn'd of a scotch ghost in the other world. he inform'd me of the miraculous turn of affairs in that kingdom , how episcopacy was abolished , and christianity in its puris naturalibus set up in the room of it ; and what is yet more material , how the covenant , the covenant of blessed memory is still looked upon as obligatory . so i am in good hopes our dear brethren there will cross the tweed , one of these days , to remove the accursed thing , to propagate the cause , and establish the great works of righteousness and truth . hick . take my word for 't , mr. pryn , that turn of affairs , as you call it , in scotland , is not so much for our advantage as you imagine . for my part , i 'm so far from thinking it will contribute any thing to our interest , that on the other hand , i fear it has broke the neck of our reputation , or rather of our juggling . they have carried on the reformation in that kingdom with so much heat and rigour , not to call it cruelty , that altho' their brethren of the same perswasion here in england have made a horrid noise about the persecuting spirit of the established church , and daily talk of moderation , and giving quarter to those of a different religion ; yet 't is breath foolishly spent , for every body believes they wou'd copy from their dear brethren of scotland , if ever they shou'd arrive to have the power in their hands . such an ill favour'd accident as this happen'd in the late reign : the jesuits were willing to wipe off some of the most popular scandal from popery , so they prevail'd with the king to grant liberty of conscience to all his subjects , and then they fell a magnifying the charity and bowels of the church of rome , after a wonderful manner . at the same time those of the society in france , were playing the devil at the expence of the poor hugonets ; so it was a very comical scene to observe with what flourishes the priests recommended love and unity , and forbearance to us here at home , when there daily came over such shoals of french refugee's to contradict every syllable they said ; and 't is no small diversion to our enemies without doubt , to hear our dissenting parsons talk of peaceableness and gentleness , and the lord knows what , when our streets are crouded with so many of the episcopal clergy of the other kingdom , whom the presbyterian moderation has forced to seek their bread in another climate . — but stay , who comes here , 't is one of my own cloath david j — appears . i perceive . i 'll say that for him , he 's a brave lusty well-built fellow . but he mutters with himself , like a bilked coach-man , or a disappointed projector , and looks as fierce and furious as if he had some strange design or other upon daniel and the revelations . david . what to be thus ridicul'd and affronted , for the sake of an innocent well-meaning sermon ! to be crost and tost from doctors-commons to fulham , and at last to have an ecclesiastical padlock set upon my mouth , 't is hard , nay barbarous , nay paganish , and unchristian . pryn. what does the fellow mean , i wonder . david . when sins do once begin to grow to an head , and to become in fashion , they are to be roughly and severely dealt withal . an ordinary concern in such a case , is no better than silence , and silence in such a case is no better than down-right flattery . and to hold our peace in such a case is all one , as to cry aloud , peace , peace . pryn. that is as much as to say , 't is all one to speak , and to say nothing . this young sir roger , i perceive , besides his other laudable qualities , has a pretty talent at quibling . david . but people will say , alas poor man ! these times will never bear it . but to these i answer , these times will , and must , and shall bear it , if i say the word . iniquity , let it be distinguish'd by what titles it will , shall feel the severity of my indignation , and prelates shall learn by my example , what vices to lash , and what sins to preach against . hick . bravely resolved , i protest : he 's one of us , i perceive , brother pryn , i' faith i long to be acquainted with him . david . to think that a little foolish admonition wou'd prevail with me so far , as to make me neglect my duty , and the salvation of souls ! 't was meer stuff . no , i 'll roar against sin louder than euroclydon in the acts , i 'll bestride the dragon upon bow , and from thence denounce perdition and desolation to the whole city . hick . nay , now i begin to melt . something within whispers me , that this young boanerges and i were cast in the same mold . 't is a tough brawny fighting carle i warrant him , he 'd make you nothing of a dozen porters or water-men at a time . i wish i had him at colchester to read prayers , and fight my battels for me . david . all mankind is my diocess , and every particular sin subject to my visitation : before the courtiers i 'll preach against false promises , and no payments . before the town-ladies , against hiring a friend to joyn 'em with some noted gallant in a lampoon , and carrying their patch-boxes , and pocket-looking-glasses to church . before the foot-guards , against building of sconces , and rubbing out of milk-scores . before the beaux of covent-garden , against lamblacking of signs , and bilking hackney-coaches . before the poets — hick . if you can get 'em into the church , i suppose , otherwise not . david . against stealing from one another , flattering their patrons , and shamming their booksellers . before porters , against whipping the snake , and squandering away their precious time at putt , and all-fours . pryn. just of my own humour and inclination , i vow . i can scarce forbear interrupting him . david . thus i 'll discharge my indispensable duty , without all fear or favour [ p. . ] . i 'll reprove the lawyers for prolonging their law-suits ; the physitians for prolonging their cures , the vintners for selling claret for barcelona , and the city-aldermen for forgetting their leather-breeches . hick . i find he 'll make his words good . he 'll visit all mankind before he has done . david . merchants shall find the severity of my wrath , for their taking per cent. military officers for making false musters ; the city-justices for conniving at fornication in sattin , and punishing it in grape : chamber-maids for telling tales behind their master's back ; gentlemen ushers for carrying such small pittiful legs about them , to the great scandal of their ladies , as if they had drained ' em . schoolmasters for suffering their boys to be meer arrians in grammar , and confound the three persons ; the two universities for neglecting aristotle , and preferring men of no merit ; and lastly divines for a whole cart-load , nay a multitude , nay an ocean of — hick . i can hold no longer an' i were to be hang'd . he has won the heart of me for ever . worthy sir , i am your most humble servant . my friend and i here made bold to over-hear your discourse , and are perfectly ravish'd to find , that there is a young man of such rare integrity , and boldness in the nation , from whom we are to expect such miracles and prodigies . david . sir , you are both strangers . i don't understand how — hick . come , come , dear heart , i know thy meaning as well as if i had been in the belly of thee . thou wast going to tell us , that thy parts do not lie much in complementing ; no more do mine , i 'll assure thee . why , child , i am of the same kidney with thy dear self . i am as gruff , and testy , and proud , and ill-natur'd a fellow as thou cou'dst wish for . but to let thee see , my young drawcansir , that thou art not fallen into bad company , that is the ghost of the famous william pryn , and i am the no less famous hick — of colchester . david . oh the unexpected happiness that my good fortune has thrown upon me ! that i shou'd be so happy , as to meet with two such celebrated persons at a time . and art thou then the ghost of the indefatigable , irrefragable , invincible mr. pryn , for whose writings and other vertues i have ever had so great a veneration . pryn. the very same , dear sir : and i shall not think my journey into this world ill bestow'd , since it has furnished me with the opportunity of seeing so accomplish'd a person . david . and art thou likewise the puissant , polemic divine of colchester , edm. hick — by name , with heart of oak , and lungs of leather ? oh thou true mirror of ecclesiastical chivalry ! hick . i am he , my noble son of thunder , for want of a better . and sha'nt we have one civil touch at fifty-cuffs , or so , before we part . odd i long mightily to exercise my hand . but dear rogue , we 'll only batter one another in jest . pryn. well sir , i hope you are satisfied with your company . not to amuse you then with any farther ceremonies , which is always needless and impertinent amongst friends , i wou'd willingly be acquainted with your present condition and circumstances . you may assure your self , i shall ever be ready to do you what service i can , which is to give you a good character before-hand , in the other world ; and as for my friend there , i don't question but he 'll employ all his interest for you , whenever he 's favoured with an opportunity . hick . ay , ay , you may swear i 'll do him all the kindness i can . i 'll make a dean , a bishop , an arch-deacon , the lord knows what of thee , one of these days , my dear lad. tho' may small beer , and no brandy be my portion , if i have interest enough to help him to any higher preferment , than to be chaplain to a market-boat . aside . david . truly gentlemen , i take you both for a couple of civil vertuous persons , men of my own complexion and temper , and therefore shall not conceal the least material passage of my life from you . — to begin then , wales is my native country . hick . i am glad to hear it , my bold britain , with all my heart . unless my memory fails me , we are indebted to that place for pelagius , and the more modern martin mar-prelate , besides thy heroick self . david . oxford the scene of my education , where i have still a small foolish trifle , which another man perhaps wou'd value , but i hate and despise . at present my residence is in london , where i design two things : first , to put in for the next vacant lecture , or reader 's place ; and secondly ; in order to that , to rail and bellow at all the visible and invisible vice in the nation . hick . very politickly contrived , dear heart . but may i make so bold with you , as to enquire , why the university is not honoured with your company ; especially , since to use your own expression , you have a certain trifle there , which one wou'd think , might oblige you to continue upon the spot , a year or two longer . david . sir , you have put a question to me , which it goes somewhat against the grain to answer ; but since i promised to conceal nothing from you , i must tell you then , that my life was so very uneasie to me there , that i wou'd much rather chuse to live in green-land , or a tobacco-plantation , than in the university . pryn. and what might be the occasion of that , my dearly beloved son. david . nothing in the world as i know of , but onely my plain dealing humour ; for if a doctor or so chanced to preach a dull sermon , i cou'd not forbear to quarrel with him upon that score : or , if a head of a house preferr'd an undeserving fellow , i was sure to make all the coffee-houses in the town ring with the news ; or if a professor made a publick speech , 't was ten to one but i found out either false latin , or no philosophy in it ; or if such a man used to take his bottle of wine before he went to bed , why 't is very likely i taxed him with the sin of drunkenness . in short , there was nothing acted in the university , either of a publick or private nature , but i according to the open frankness of my humour , made bold to examine , and generally to find fault with . the great men there , were too much conceited of themselves , to consult my advice , and so let 'em share the blame amongst ' em . but 't was none of my fault , i daily told 'em of their duty . hick . a very free plain-dealing sort of a temper this , as one may say . but to pursue the discourse , how hast thou spent thy time since , thou heir apparent to my prowess , and fortitude . david . after a year or two's continuance in the country , i removed to london , where i presum'd i might have a fairer opportunity of shewing my parts , than wales could afford . here i have preached for some time , as often as my friends would accommodate me with a pulpit , and tho' i say it , that should not , not without the general approbation of the people here in the city . but now i am afraid i must take my last farewell of preaching , for i can prevail with no body almost to lend me a pulpit . they are as afraid of lending it . hick . as a citizen is of lending his wife to a courtier . and sayst thou so dear heart ! 't is no great matter . i dare engage any of the conventicles here in town , wou'd be glad to receive a youth of such commendable qualities . but prithee , how comes it about , that people are so shie to venture thee in their pulpits . david . the same frank open humour that made me so remarkable at oxford , has attended me to this city . so if the clergy-man for whom i preach was famous for his talent of oratory , and so forth , i never fail'd to wipe him for preaching up himself , and turning the pulpit into a rostrum : or if he was a noble-man's chaplain , and visited the court but once a month , he was sure to be chastised for degrading the royal priesthood , for serving tables , and ascending downwards to temporal iudicatures [ pag. . ] . hick . a very ingenious expression that of ascending downwards to temporal iudicatures . david . well then , this is all , upon my word , gentlemen . hick . and enough in conscience . but after this open , free-hearted manner ( as erasmus tells us ) the mendicant fryars were used to serve the secular clergy . if the parish priest , of whom they begged a nights lodging , was so civil as to break the saturday-fast for their sakes , and give 'em a far capon for supper , to be sure these plain-dealing people requited him next morning for his hospitality , and acquainted the whole congregation with the story of the capon . david . i have likewise disobliged my brethren with a sermon that i lately printed ; but let 'em say what they please , i am sure there 's nothing in it , which a conscientious honest man may be ashamed to own — stay , let me see , i think i have a couple of 'em or more in my pocket . mr. pryn , will you condescend to accept so small a trifle from your humble admirer ? here 's another for you , mr. hick — hick . hold , what have we here ? a sermon preached at christ-church , london , nov. . . by david jones , student of christ-church in oxford . what , have we more still in the title-page ? published at the request of his friends . nay then it cannot fail to be an excellent one indeed . but pray , sir , what may be the drift , the meaning , and the design of your sermon ? david . to make all the clergy-men odious and contemptible to the laity . 't is no more than what they deserve you know . hick . why then your friends , at whose request it was published , are , i suppose , the dissenters , or some who would not be sorry to see all the parsons in the kingdom turned out of all , and reduc'd to beggery . david . 't is an universal , bold-spirited satyr , and touches the whole fraternity one way or other . imprimis , 't is a satyr against eloquence . hick . i love thee dearly for that : for i hate eloquence in a sermon as heartily as i do a citation from doctors-commons . i will certainly make thee heir to my old , trusty , serviceable cane , and my more serviceable concordance for this . david . in the next place , 't is a satyr against pluralities and non-residence . hick . well , i must needs say this , we pitiful sorry rascals , that have either no benefice at all , or what is as bad , a very small one , rail at pluralities with the best grace of any man breathing : and thus we rail at eloquence in other people , because we are not masters of it our selves . pryn. this same clamour about pluralities was ever used by the saints , tho' when they came to get the power in their hands they practised it themselves . for i remember honest mr. marshal inveighed very furiously against this sin , even when he carried three steeples in his pocket , as the wicked malignants observed . hick . however i commend thee dear heart for preaching against pluralities here in england , and not in thy own country ; for tho' it may be a sin here , 't is not so i am confident in wales . if holding of two benefices , where one of 'em does not afford a competent maintenance , is no crime at all , then in wales a man may tack half a diocess together , and yet not be charged with holding pluralities . a dozen vicaridges there , even with the sunday advantage of a bear and a fiddle , will scarce keep the minister , especially if he is married . david . lastly , 't is a satyr against eating or drinking in a lord's family , but especially against pride . pryn. and that is a sin , under the rose be it spoken , which we reformers are as much guilty of , as any men in the universe . but my dear son , are there no civil touches at ceremonies and superstition , and altars in your discourse . hick . hold mr. pryn , that 's no civil question . you know the old saying , nemo repente fuit , and so forth . come , come , rome was not built in a day , a man must have time to refine and cultivate himself ; mr. i-nes is a young man , and one of these days will have a fling at all those paw things you have named ; if he has not done it already . i think he has given us enough in all conscience for one single sermon . pryn. nay , there i close with you . the sermon by what account we have heard of it , is a very commendable worthy sermon , and so great a value have i for it , that as soon as ever i arrive at the other world , i design to communicate it to all my choice acquaintance there . david . that will be an extraordinary honour i can assure you . here 's another of 'em for you , and pray present it from me , to my country-man pelagius . hick . and when your hand is in , you may tell him , that the author of it will make as great a bustle in the world as ever he did . pryn. you need not question but i 'll perform my message very punctually . and now my dear son ( for by that name i must call you for the future ) to make you some small amends for this kind voluntary gift of a sermon that you have made me , i will make bold to give you a little advice ; 't is all i can do at present for you ; and to make it find the greater welcome with you , i must in the first place tell you , that 't is the very same advice that a late famous assembly-man gave to a nephew of his , a little before his going into the vineyard . david . with all my heart , honoured sir , i shall listen to it with a great deal of attention . pryn. it was a constant saying with this assembly man , that it was the principal part of a divine's office , to know how to manage hell well . david . manage hell well ! in the name of wonder what did he mean by it . pryn. you shall hear . as this learned gentleman well observed , hell consists chiefly in two punishments , roasting and freezing , and a minister ought to take special care when to terrifie the people with roasting , and when with freezing . for instance , says he : suppose a man in the heat of summer , when we sweat and drip , and are ready to faint away , should talk of the freezing or gnashing of teeth that is in hell , people wou'd be apt to conclude 't is no such uncomfortable place as they imagined , but mistake it for a grotto : and then again in the midst of winter , if he should indiscreetly talk of roasting and fiting , they would certainly think it neither better nor worse than a bagnio . by this means hell wou'd lose most of its terrour , and terrour , according to the doctrine of the triers , is the first motive of a man's conversion . therefore , nephew , says he , whenever you preach , that you may frighten your auditors into a true apprehension of the torments of the other world , be sure you always apply your roasting in the summer , and your freezing in the winter . hick . very pretty advice upon my word . but not to be behind hand with my brother pryn , pray take a little advice from me too . you tell us , my young drawcansir , that you have a design upon some preferment here in the city ; and 't is a very laudable design i own : so you may rail at the bishops and the clergy till your heart akes , and the cits will take thee for a cherubim incarnate . but then hark you in my ear , not a word of rebellion or oppression , or cheating or griping ; or devouring of widdows , or swallowing of orphans , as you love your self ; not one single syllable of all this , do you mind me . david . well gentlemen , i thank you heartily for your good advice , which to say the truth , comes very seasonably at present , to support me under the heavy load of my afflictions . not to make a tedious recital of my misfortunes , no man has suffered more than myself , and less deserved it . hick . fie , fie , my son of thunder , you a sufferer ? you an alderman as well ; what it may come to in time , if you still preserve your vertuous principles , i can't tell : but alas ! what you have already suffer'd , does not deserve a mentioning . what! you have been ill spoken of , i warrant ; and have not all your predecessors in the noble army of reformers been abused that way ten times more than yourself ? or has an ecclesiastical padlock , as you call it , been clapt upon your mouth ? why 't is easily removed with a little sham repentance . you had no estate to lose , and no preferment to forfeit . therefore if ever you talk of sufferers , then talk of me , and my brother pryn there . pryn. nay , now you are out of your road , brother hick . you are not to be named in the same year with myself , as to the point of suffering . the utmost you underwent was a small confinement and a small suspension , things really not fit to be call'd sufferings in any language . whereas i was fined and imprisoned , and to compleat my losses , lost my ears at length . hick . what you say is very true . you lost your ears indeed ; but what of all that ? you made the poor arch-bishop that ordered em to be cut off , to lose his head , and was not that a sufficient recompence ? for my own part , i protest to you ( and i dare swear the young reformer is of my mind ) that if i cou'd have half that revenge upon a certain prelate that shall be nameless , i cou'd willingly submit to lose my ears , nay , and be circumcised into the bargain . pryn. that may be . but my time is now expired , and i can tarry no longer . continue steadfast to your principles . farewell brother hick : dear son adieu . finis . notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a -e reflections upon the discarriages of the navy . printed by j. harris . page . of his sermon . pag. . miscellany essays upon philosophy, history, poetry, morality, humanity, gallantry &c. / by monsieur de st. evremont ; done into english by mr. brown. saint-evremond, - . approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : - (eebo-tcp phase ). a wing s _variant estc r ocm this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. 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ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf- unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p , characters represented either as utf- unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng - tcp assigned for keying and markup - aptara keyed and coded from proquest page images - mona logarbo sampled and proofread - mona logarbo text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion miscellany essays : by monsieur de st. evremont , upon philosophy , history , poetry , morality , humanity , gallantry , &c. vol. ii. done into english by mr. brown . iam senior , sed cruda deo viridisque senectus . london . printed for iohn cheringham at the star in ludgate-street ; and abell roper at the mitre near temple-bar . . to the right honourable , robert earl of sunderland ; baron spencer of wormleighton . my lord , 't is the fate of illustrious persons to be often visited by such importunate addressers . their quality , which priviledges them on so many other occasions , does but the more expose them to frequent persecutions of this nature . nay , their retirements are not able to protect them ; for a true town-dedicator will invade their most private recesses , and attacque them even in their solitude . as i own my self somewhat interested in the reputation of my author , i was resolved , that whatever injuries he suffer'd in the translation , he should have right done him in the choice of a patron ; and therefore to pitch upon one who was no stranger to his person or to his merit ; and who best understood his value , because he has the truest and most accurate judgment in the world. 't is true , my lord , he needs no patronage , as he shines in his native language , for there his own merit abundantly secures him ; but i am sensible , that after all the care that has been taken with him , he will stand in need of it , as he appears in ours : with this view , my lord , i have presum'd to give you the trouble of this bold address ; and perhaps your lordship is the first person in the world , that has suffer'd upon the score of being the friend of monsieur de st. evremont . but besides this , my lord , you have another title to this translation . we have long labour'd under a mean , but unjust character with our neighbours , who lye more to the southward , and are particularly obliged to your lordship for reversing it . for i don 't at all question but that your lordship 's extraordinary merit , drew from our author that ingenuous confession , which in his admirable discourse to the marescal de crequi , he makes does but the more expose them to frequent persecutions of this nature . nay , their retirements are not able to protect them ; for a true town-dedicator will invade their most private recesses , and attacque them even in their solitude . as i own my self somewhat interested in the reputation of my author , i was resolved , that whatever injuries he suffer'd in the translation , he should have right done him in the choice of a patron ; and therefore to pitch upon one who was no stranger to his person or to his merit ; and who best understood his value , because he has the truest and most accurate judgment in the world. 't is true , my lord , he needs no patronage , as he shines in his native language , for there his own merit abundantly secures him ; but i am sensible , that after all the care that has been taken with him , he will stand in need of it , as he appears in ours : with this view , my lord , i have presum'd to give you the trouble of this bold address ; and perhaps your lordship is the first person in the world , that has suffer'd upon the score of being the friend of monsieur de st. evremont . but besides this , my lord , you have another title to this translation . we have long labour'd under a mean , but unjust character with our neighbours , who lye more to the southward , and are particularly obliged to your lordship for reversing it . for i don 't at all question but that your lordship 's extraordinary merit , drew from our author that ingenuous confession , which in his admirable discourse to the marescal de crequi , he makes of the partiality and unjust prejudices of his own country-men ; your lordship's acquaintance has convinc'd him that colder climates than his own , may produce persons of as sprightly a wit , and strong a judgment ; and that politeness and elegance were not confin'd to france . thus our whole island , my lord , reaps the benefit of your noble qualifications . they have procured one of the most authentic testimonies in the world , to pass in its favour . no foreigner will urge our distance from the sun , or have the hardiness hereafter to impute barbarity to us . st. evremont has acquitted us from that imputation . st. evremont has own'd us not to be inferiour in wit to any of our neighbouring nations ; and 't is to your lordship that we stand indebted for so advantageous a confession . i said , my lord , one of the most authentic testimonies in the world. for i believe it will be agreed on all hands that since the declension of the roman eloquence and empire , there never was a truer or nicer judge of men and manners than our author , or one in whom a fruitful wit and a profoundnefs of reason were so happily reconciled . amongst his own country-men or indeed any where else , i find none that can dispute the prize with him but montagne ; who was in truth an extraordinary genius , and has left those remains behind him that will entertain and instruct , as long as mankind preserves any taste for wit and good sense . tho' he writ in a very impolite age , and his language derives an unhappy tincture from one of the worst provinces of france , yet there is something so forcible , so vigorous , and so masculine in his expression , that after all the considerable improvements the french tongue has received since his time , it still pleases , nay it charms and affects us . now as all this , and a great deal more , may deservedly be said in his praise , yet his warmest admirers ▪ must be forced to confess with me , that nicety was never his talent ; that amongst his infinite variety of citations ( for as our author says very well of him , he 's no troublesome host , but when his own conversation fails him , he has some friends to keep it up , till he has got breath again , ) some never deserved to be mentioned , and others are urged mal a propos ; in short , that his way of writing is too pindarical , and his excursions too frequent . 't is true , he is so complaisant to his reader , as never to leave him in any barren uncultivated places ; he gives him an agreeable vista of groves and meadows : the scene varies every moment , and consequently , must delight him ; but still he makes him wander ; still he leads him out of the way , or at least for the sake of one beautiful prospect carries him a mile or two about ; and this at long run cannot fail to disgust nice persons who are in pain till they arrive at their journeys end . on the other hand st. evremont is not only master of all the good qualities of montagne without any of his defects , but possesses several others , to which the former was either altogether a stranger , as gallantry and a delicateness of discernment , or else was but slightly acquainted with . to dismiss this comparison , he has a greater depth of penetration ; a greater justness in reasoning ; a better tast of polite learning , and a more exquisite knowledge of the world. not to speak of his language , which will admit no comparison . i cannot conclude this article without observing , that even in his misfortunes , our author has received an honourable elogy from one of the most judicious writers in france , but a member of that order , which is seldom guilty of paying incense to persons in disgrace ; and what is remarkable , an order to which he himself had exprest no great respect . but i humbly beg your lordships pardon , for dwelling so long upon a subject which your lordship better understands than any person whatever . i am sensible , i should commit the same solecism , should i enlarge upon all your several eminent qualities since they are as well known to the greater part of mankind , as st. evremonts character is to your lordship . that air of politeness which distinguishes every thing you say or do ; that unwearied generosity in extending your favours ; that greatness of mind , that admirable sagacity and experience in all affairs , are so readily ackowledged as well by those that have the honour to be admitted into your conversations , as others that behold you at a distance , and only view you in your character as it is universally established ; that as they cannot be set in a better light , so the proclaiming of them wou'd be no new discovery . and yet my lord , as in all ages of the world , it has been ( if i may be allowed the expression , ) the appennage of a conspicuous merit to meet with many enemies ; you have not been without your share of them ; but heaven be praised for setting such great odds between their discretion and their malice . 't was your lordships happiness that they charg'd you with things so disproportion'd and absurd , that none seemed to believe them , but those who receive every thing without examination , or those whose interest it was to spread them . for as it was impossible for them to say the least injurious thing of you without having recourse to fiction , they managed it so profusely , that like the old relators of heroic adventures , they destroyed that very belief they endeavoured to propagate . even that instrument , which by one of the most industrious agents of hell was designed to ruin your reputation with the rest of mankind , for which purpose no artifices of threats and promises were left unpracticed ; that very instrument , my lord , served to proclaim your lordships virtue to the world ; and never was innocence more triumphant , and never did truth gain a more glorious conquest . and now , my lord , if your candor has not been wholly exhausted in forgiving these injuries , i humbly beg you to employ it once more in pardoning the imperfections of this translation . my friends and i did our best endeavours , but found to our expence , it was equally difficult to imitate and translate st. evremont . the periods every where so harmonious and yet so unaffected , the language so comprehensive and yet so clear , so polite and yet so natural , that tho' we cou'd pretend to have reached his meaning in all places , which is no easy matter in an author so very nice and penetrating , yet we cannot without a sensible regret , observe how much we have fallen below the original . your lordship has received better presents from other hands , but this is offered with no less sincerity . and in this single presumption , i was glad of this occasion to declare to all the world with what zeal and integrity , i am , my lord , your lordships most humble , and most obedient servant , t. brown . preface . i had designed to have made some critical remarks and observations upon those chapters in the second volume of monsieur de st. evremont , where the occasion naturally required them . but the book happening to swell larger by several sheets than was expected , i have no room here to insert them . mr. dryden indeed , who in his excellent preface before the first volume , has given us a very good account of our inimitable author , seems to have spared me this labour ; but however , he has not so exhausted the subject , but that there is still a very ample field for those that come after him to cultivate . i shall here take no notice of what our author , both in his discourse to the mareschal de crequi , and in his letter to monsieur justel , the late learned library-keeper at st. james's , has advanced upon the score of religion . for besides that he has managed the controversie like a gentleman , and not en theologue ; 't is certain he drew his character of the reformed from the huguenots of france , a sort of people whom we are not obliged to justify . the first volume will speedily be reprinted , with great amendments , and additions ; where i shall have a proper opportunity to prefix dissertation , which i am forced for want of room here to omit . to monsieur the marshall de creqvi , who ask'd the temper of my mind , and my thoughts of things in general . by dr. drake . when we are young , the popular opinion sways us , and we are more solicitous to gain the esteem of others then of our selves . but arriv'd to old age , we are apt to have a less value for foreign things , and are most taken up with our selves , when we are ready to abandon our selves . life is like our other possessions , all vanishes , when we think our stock greatest : our measures are seldom rightly understood , till little remains to be managed . hence we see young men squander ( as it were ) their being , in which they think they have a long term of years to come . we grow more chary of our selves , as we grow nearer to lose our selves . the time has been , when my roving , uncontrol'd fancy rambled after every thing strange to it : at present my mind contracts it self to the body , and unites more straitly with it : nor is this out of any sense of pleasure from such an alliance , but out of necessity of the mutual succour and assistance , which they endeavour to afford one another . in this feeble condition , i yet retain some pleasures , but i have lost all sense of vice , without knowing whether this change be owing to the infirmity of a decay'd body , or the moderation of a mind better improv'd in wisdom than heretofore . i fear my age has a greater share in it than my vertue , that i have more reason to complain , than bragg of the obedience of inclinations . in vain should i ascribe to my reason the fower of subjecting my desires , if they are too weak to raise themselves ; and what wisdom soever men at my years may boast of , it is hard to distinguish , whether those passions , we now no longer feel , be subdued or expired . howsoever it be , when our senses are no longer touch'd with their objects , nor our souls mov'd by their impressions , it is properly no more then a state of indolence : yet is not this indolence without it's charms , to think himself exempt from all uneasiness , is enough to give joy to a reasonable man. the enjoyment of pleasures is not always required ; the privation of pain well used , renders our condition sufficiently happy . if any misfortune befall me , i am naturally little sensible of it , without dashing this happy constitution with any thoughts of constancy . for constancy is only dwelling longer upon our miseries . it appears the most aimable vertue in the world to those who are under no afflictions , but is truly a new load to such as are . resistance only fretts us , and instead of easing one grievance adds another : without resistance we suffer only the evils inflicted on us , with it our own improvements too . for this reason under present calamities , i resign all to nature ; i reserve my prudence for times of tranquillity . then by reflecting upon my own indolence , i take pleasure in the pains , i endure not , and by this means make happy the most indifferent state of life . experience grows with age , and wisdom commonly with experience : but when i ascribe this vertue to old men , i mean not that they are always masters of it . this is cerrain that they have always the liberty to be wise , and to knock off decently those fetters which prejudice has put upon the world. they only are allow'd to take things for what they really are . reason does as 't were plant every thing in our education ; which is afterward in a manner quite over-run by fancy . age only has the power to drive out the one from what she had usurp'd , and reestablish the other in what the had lost . for my self , i observe religiously all real duties . the imaginary i refuse or admit , as i like or dislike ' em . for in things to which i am not oblig'd , i think it equal reason to reject what does not please me , or to accept what does . every day frees me from one link at least of the chain , nor is it less for the advantage of those from whom i disengage my self , then me , who regain my liberty . they are as great gainers in the loss of an useless man , as i should have been a loser , by idely devoting my self any longer to ' em . of all ties , that of amity is the only one that has , in my opinion , almost irresistible charms , and were it not for the disgrace that attends no return , i cou'd love meerly for the pleasure of loving , even where i was not belov'd again . in love ill plac'd , the sentiments of amity entertain us purely by their own agreeable sweetness . but we ought to divest our selves of a just hatred for the interest of our own quiet . happy is that mind which can entirely deny some passions , and only unbend it self to some others . it would then be void of fear , sadness , hatred , or jealousie . it wou'd desire without violence , hope without impatience , and enjoy without transport . the state of vertue is not a state of indolence . we suffer in it a perpetual conflict betwixt duty , and inclination . now we do what disgusts us , and now oppose what relishes well : being almost always under force , both in our actions , and abstinence . that of wisdom is sweet and calm . it reigns peaceably over our movements , being only to govern well as subjects , what vertue combats as enemies . i can say one thing of my self , as extraordinary as true , that is , that i have never in my self felt any conflict between passion , and reason . my passion never oppos'd what i resolv'd out of duty ; and my reason readily comply'd with what my pleasure inclin'd me to . i pretend not that this easie accord is praise worthy ; on the contrary , i confess i have been often the more vicious for it . not out of any perverse disposition to evil ; but because vice cover'd the crime , with an appearance of pleasure . it is certain , the nature of things is much better discover'd by reflection on 'em , when past , then by their impressions at perception . now the great commerce with the world , hinders all attention in youth . what we see in others hinders us from examining well our selves . crowds please us at an age , when we love ( as one may say ) to diffuse our selves . multitudes grow troublesome at another , when we naturally recoil to our selves , or instead of numbers come to paucity of friends , who are more united to us . 't is this humour , that insensibly withdraws us from courts . we begin through that to seek some mean between hurry and retirement . we grow afterwards asham'd to show an old face amongst young fellows . let us not flatter our selves with our judgments : a brisk buffoonery will run it down ; and the false glittering of a youthful fancy will turn to ridicule our most delicate conversations . if we have wit , the best use of it is in private companies ; for in a crowd the spirit maintains it self but ill against the body . this justice which we are oblig'd to do our selves , ought not to make us unjust to the young men. we ought not perpetually to cry up our own times , or enviously always condemn theirs . let us not rail at pleasures when we are past them , or censure diversions , whose only offence is our incapacity . our judgments ought to be always the same . we may live , but must not judge by humour . there is in mine an odd peculiarity , which makes me measure magnificence more by its trouble than pomp . shows , feasts , and great assemblies , invite not me to the sight of 'em : the inconveniencies i must suffer , deter me . the elegant harmony of consorts engages not me so much , as the difficulty of adjusting 'em disobliges me . abundance disgusts me at my meals , and rarities seem to me an affected curiosity . my fancy cannot recommend any thing to my palate by my scarcity . my choice shou'd be of things easily to be had , that my delicacy may not be ruled by fancy . i am as fond of reading as ever , because it depends more particularly on the mind , which tires not like the senses . in truth , i seek in books my pleasure , rather than my instruction . as i have less time for practice , i have less desire to learn. i have more need of a stock of life than of methods of living ; and the little that remains , is better spent in things agreeable , than instructive . the latin authors afford me the most , and i read whatever i think fine , a thousand times over without being cloy'd . a nice choice has confin'd me to a few books , in which i seek rather found than fine wit ; and the true taste ( to use a spanish expression ) is ordinarily found in the writings of considerable men. i am pleas'd to discover in tully's epistles , both his own character , and that of those persons of quality that write to him . he never divests himself of his rhetorick , and the least recommendation to his most intimate friend is as artificially insinuated , as if he were to prepossess a stranger in an affair of the greatest consequence in the world. the letters of the rest want those fine turns ; but in my mind , they have more good sense than his , and this makes me judge very advantageously of the great and general abilities of the romans at that time . our authors prefer the age of augustus upon the account of virgil and horace ; and perhaps more yet upon the score of maecenas , who encouraged men of learning , than for those men of learning themselves . it is neverthelsess certain , that their parts as well as courages began at that time to decay . grandeur of soul was converted to circumspect conduct , and sound discourse to polite conversation : i know not what to think of the remains of maecenas , unless it be that they had something of grimace , which was made to pass for delicate . maecenas was augustus's great favourite ; the man that pleas'd , and whom all the polite , and sprightly witts courted ; now is it not likely that his judgment over-rul'd the rest , that they affected his air , and ap'd , as much as they could , his character ? augustus himself leaves us no great idea of his latinity . what we see of terence , what was reported at rome of politeness of scipio and laelius , the reliques of caesar , and what we have of cicero , with the complaint of this last for the loss of what he calls , sales , lepores , venustates , vrbanitas , amaenitas , festivitas , iucunditas ; all together make me believe , upon better consideration , that we must search some other time than that of augustus , to find the sound and agreeable wit of the romans , as well as the pure and natural graces of their tongue . it may be said , that horase had a very nice palate in all these matters ; which perswades me , that the rest of his contemporaries had not . for the nicety of his relish consisted chiefly in finding that of others ridiculous . but as for the impertinencies , false manners , and affectations which he laugh'd at , his sense wou'd not at this day appear so very just . i own that of augustus to have been the age of excellent poets ; but it follows not , that it was that of universal genius's . poetry requires a peculiar genius , that agrees not overmuch with good sense . it is sometimes the language of gods , sometimes of buffoons , rarely that of a civil man. it delights in figures , and fictions , always besides the reality of things , tho' it be that only , that can satisfy a found understanding . not but that there is something noble in making good verse ; but we must have a great command of our genius , otherwise the mind is possess'd with something foreign , which hinders it from the free management of it self . he 's a block-head ( say the spaniards ) that can't make two verses , and a fool that makes four . if this maxim prevail'd over all the world , we should want a thousand fine works , the reading of which gives us a very delicate pleasure ; but this maxim respects men of business , rather than profess'd poets . however , those that are capacitated for such great works , will not oppose the force of their genius , for what i can say ; and it is certain , that amongst authors , those only will write few verses , who find themselves curb'd more by their own natural unaptness , than by my reasons . excellent poets are as requisite for our pleasure , as great mathematicians for our use : but it is sufficient for us to be acquainted with their works , and not engage our selves in the solitary enthusiasm of the one , or to exhaust our spirits in meditation like the other . of all poets , comedians are most proper for the converse of the world : for they oblige themselves to paint naturally what passes in it , and to express after a lively manner the thoughts , and passions of men. how new an air soever , may be given to old thoughts , that sort of poetry is very tedious which is fill'd with similies of the morning , the sun , moon , and stars . our descriptions of a calm and a tempestuous sea , represent nothing which the antients have not done much better . now we have not only the same ideas , but the very same expressions , the same rhymes . i never hear of the harmony of birds , but i prepare my self for the murmuring of brooks ; the shepherds are always lolling upon fern , and you may sooner find a grove without a shade in its proper sight , than in our verses . this must necessarily at length be very tedious ; which cannot happen in comedy , where with pleasure we see our own actions drawn , and are touch'd with paralel motions . a discourse of woods , rivers , meadows , fields , and gardens , make but a very languishing impression upon us , unless their beauties be wholly new : but a discourse of humanity , its inclinations , tendernesses , and affections , finds something at the bottom of our souls prepar'd to receive it ; the same nature produces and receives 'em , and they are easily transfused from the actors to the spectators . the delicacy of love sooths me , and its tenderness touches me ; and as in spain they love the best of any country in the world , i am never weary of reading in their authors amorous adventures . i am more affected with the passion of one of their lovers , than i shou'd be with my own , were i yet capable of any . the very imagination of those amours raises in me certain motions for the gallant , which i cou'd never feel for my self . there is perhaps as much witt in the other writings of that nation , as in ours ; but it is a wit that gives me no satisfaction , except that of cervantes in don quixot , which i cou'd read all my life without being disgusted one single moment . of all the books i have ever read , don quixot is that , of which i shou'd be most ambitious to have been the author . nothing in my opinion , can contribute more to the forming in us a true relish of every thing . i wonder how cervantes cou'd , as it were out of the mouth of one of the greatest fools in the world , shew himself maiter of all the understanding and knowledge imaginable . i admire the diversities of his characters , which are of the most uncommon stamp in the world , and at the same time the most natural . quevedo indeed appears a very ingenious author , but i esteem him more for wishing all other books burnt , when he had read don quixot , than for having been able to read ' em . i am not acquainted enough with italian verse , to taste their delicacy , or admire their grace and beauty ; i meet with some histories in that tongue above all the moderns , and some treatises of politicks even above what the antients have written . as for the morality of the italians , it is full of conceipts , which savour more of a fancy that aims to sparkle , than of solid sense founded on deep reflections . i am very curious of every thing that is fine in french , and am very much distasted at a thousand authours , that seem only to have written for the reputation of being authors . i read not for the credit of having read abundance , and this is it which tyes me up to certain books , where i 'm assur'd to meet satisfaction . montagne's essays , malherbe's poems , corneille's tragedies , and voiture's letters have established to themselves , as it were , a title to please me during life . montagne has not the same success with others through their whole course . as he particularly lays open men , the young and the old are pleased to see themselves in him by the resemblance of their thoughts . the space intermediate to these ages , takes 'em off from nature to other professions ; and then they find less in montagne that fits ' em . the art military employs the general ; politicks the states-man ; divinity the church man ; and law the judge . montagne returns upon us , when nature has brought us back again to our selves ; and the approach of age , when we truly feel what we are , recalls the prince as well as his meanest subjects from his engagements to his function , to the more near and sensible interest of his person . i write not this out of any impulse of vanity , which urges men to make their fancies publick . i instruct my self by what i say , and understand my self better by expressing the notion i have form'd of my self , then i could by private thoughts , and internal reflections . the idea a man has of himself by simple attention to internal meditations , is always a little confus'd . the image which is outwardly express'd is much more exact , and gives us much truer judgment of our selves , when it is again submitted to the examination of the mind , after having been laid before our eyes . besides , the flattering opinion of our own merit loses half its charms , as soon as it comes into the light ; and the complaisance of self love insensibly vanishing leaves behind it only a disgust of its sweetness , and shame for a vanity as foolishly entertain'd as judiciously quitted . to equal malherbe to the antients , i find nothing finer then his own compositions . i wou'd only in his works retrench what is not worthy of him . it were injustice to postpone him to any one whoever . but he must bear with us , if for the honour of our own judgments , we make him give place to himself . almost the same we may say of corneille . he wou'd be above all the tragedians of antiquity , if he were not in some of his pieces much below himself . he is so admirable in what is fine , that he take saway all patience for what is indifferent . what in him is not excellent , methinks is naught ; not that it is bad , but that it wants the perfection of the rest . it is not enough for him to please us lightly , he 's bound to touch us to the quick . if he ravishes not our minds , they employ their utmost penetration , enviously to discover the difference between him and himself . some authors may simply move us . but those are petty ticklings , pleasing enough when we have nothing else to mind . corneille prepares our minds for transports : if they be not elevated , they are left in a condition more uneasie than languour . it is , i confess hard , always to charm : very hard at pleasure to raise a mind from its temper , to unhinge a soul. but corneille by having done it so often , has laid upon himself an obligation to do it always . let him expunge what is not noble enough for him , and he will leave us in a full admiration of those beauties which no one can parallel . i should not excuse voiture for a great many of his letters , which he ought to have suppress'd , had himself been the publisher : but he was like some fathers , equally kind and prudent , who have a natural affection for their children , and in secret cherish those that want worth , thereby to avoid exposing their judgments to the publick by their indulgence . he might have shew'd all his fondness to some of his works ; for there is something in 'em so unaccountably ingenious so polite , so fine , and so agreeable , that it takes away all taste of the sales attici ' and the roman ●rbanitas ; ecclypses quite the spirit and wit of the italians , and the gallantry of the spaniards . we have in french some particular pieces of admirable beauty ; of which number is the funerall oration of the queen of england by monsieur de meaux . there is a certain spirit diffus'd through the whole discourse , which gives as great an opinion of the author before he is known , as of his work , after 't is read . his character is impress'd on all that he says ; so that altho' i have never seen him , i pass easily from the admiration of his discourse to that of his person . nor am i less affected with the abridgment of general history done by the same prelate . such reach is there in his reflections : the sense so sound , so great a purity of reasoning ! what a capacity of mind must he have in one scheme to comprehend so great a variety of events , so far disjoyn'd both in time and place ? what judgment to reconcile 'em as he do's , and draw from 'em consequences so advantagious to the true religion ? how great soever the pleasure of reading is to me , yet that of conversation will ever be more sensible . the acquaintance of the ladies would afford the sweetest , if their charms did not put us to too much pain to defend our selves from doing homage to ' em . yet this is a violence i rarely suffer ; as my age renders me unacceptable , my experience makes me nice ; and if they can't be pleas'd with me , i am by way of return as little satisfied with them . there are some whose merits make a considerable impression on my mind , but their beauty has little influence on me . and if i am at any time surprized by it , i presently reduce my passion to a pleasing reasonable amity , that has none of the uneasinesses of love. amongst ladies , the most meritorious person with them , is the lover ; the next , the confident of their inclinations ; the third , he that ingeniously sets off all that is amiable in ' em . if nothing will win their hearts , we may at least gain their favours by complements ; for next to the lover , to whom all must give place , he pleases 'em most , that can make 'em please themselves best . when you converse with 'em , avoid carefully all indifference , they are from their souls enemies to such coldness , or love your self , or flatter what they love , or paint 'em so as to plunge 'em still deeper in love with themselves , for love of some sort or other they must have , it is a passion their hearts are never unfurnish'd with . direct a poor heart how to employ it . 't is true , some of 'em can have esteem , and even tenderness too without love ; and others there are as worthy of our confidence and secrets as the most trusty of our friends . i know some that have no less wit and discretion , then charms and beauty : but those are rarities , that nature wantonly bestows on the world , whether by design or caprice , and we can draw no consequences in favour of the generall , from things so particular , and from qualities so uncommon . women so extraordinary seem to invade the character of men ; and perhaps it is a kind of revolt from their sex , to shake off the natural conditions of it for the real advantages of ours . i confess i have formerly been more difficult in the choice of the men , with whom i convers'd , then at present i am ; and i think my self not so much a loser in point of delicacy , as a gainer in point of sense . i then sought for men that cou'd please me in every thing , i now seek every thing that may please me in any man. a man in all respects agreeable , is too great a rarity , and it is no wisdom to hunt for what we are hardly ever like to find . that delicacy of pleasure , which our imagination paints to us , is what we seldom enjoy ; the sickly nice fancy gives us a disrelish of those things , which we during the whole course of our lives might obtain . not that , to say truth , it is impossible to find such jewels , but it is very rarely that nature forms 'em , and that fortune favours us with ' em . my good stars made me know one of this rank in france , and another of equal merit in a forreign country , who was the whole delight of my life . death has robbed me of this treasure , and i can never think on that cruel day on which monsieur daubigny died , but i may with a sad and sensible regrett , say , — quem semper acerbum , semper honoratum , sic dî voluistis , habebo . among your other measures for the conduct of society , you must take care to apprehend the good things seperately ; beware to distinguish solidity from prolixity , good nature from want of sense , science from ridicule . you will find these qualities promiscuously blended , not only among those men whom you may at pleasure make choice of , or repudiate , but even among those whom your interest , or other tyes as obligatory , shall bind you to . i have seen a man of the gayest natural parts in the world , lay aside the happy facility of his genious , and engage in arguments of science and religion , in which he betray'd a ridiculous ignorance . i know one of the most learned men in europe , of whom one may learn a thousand things curious or profound , in whom nevertheless you will find an impotence of beleif in every thing extraordinary , fabulous , or exceeding credit . that great master of the stage , to whom the romans are more beholding for the beauty of their thoughts , then to their own wit or vertue : corneille who sufficiently discovers himself without naming , speaks like an ordinary man when he speaks for himself . he exhausts all his stock of thought for a greek or a roman : a french-man or spaniard abates his courage ; and when he speaks for him , he is quite dispirited . he racks his imagination for all that is noble to adorn his old heroe's , and you would say , that he debarr'd himself the advantage of his own proper wealth , as , if he were not worthy the use of it . if you know the world perfectly , you will find in it abundance of men valuable for their talent , and as contemptible for their failing . expect not they shou'd always display their good qualities , and discreetly cover their infirmities . you shall see 'em slight their vertues , and fondly indulge their defects . it rests upon your judgment to make a better choice then themselves , and by your address , to draw from 'em that worth , which they cou'd not easily communicate . for these ten years , which i have spent in a forreign country , i have found as much pleasure , and been as happy in the enjoyment of conversation , as if i had been all the time in france . i have met with persons of as great worth as quality , whose society has been the greatest comfort of my life . i have known men as witty as any i have ever seen , who have join'd the pleasure of their friendship to that of their company . i have known some ambassadors so delicate , that it seem'd to me a considerable loss , whenever the duty of their character suspended the exercise of their more peculiar excellencies . i have formerly thought that there were no man of honour but in our court ; that the effeminacy of warmer climates , and a kind of barbarity in the colder , hinder'd the natives from being rais'd to this pitch , except very rarely . but experience has at length convinc'd me , that there are such every where , and if i have not discocover'd it soon enough , it is because it is difficult for a french-man under long use to relish any but those of his own country . every nation has it's excellence , with a certain turn proper and peculiar to its genious . my judgement , too much wedded to our own air , rejected as faulty what was foreign to us . because we see 'em imitate us in the fashion of things exterior , we wou'd impose upon 'em the imitation of us , even in the dress of vertue too . in truth , the grounds of any essential quality , are every where the same ; but we endeavour to fit the extrinsicks to our humour , and those among us that pay the greatest deference to reason , must have with it something to gratifie their fancies . the difference which i find between the air of us and other nations , to speak ingenuously , is that ours is industriously affected , and that of other nations impressed by nature , as it were in an indelible character . in all my life , i have never known but two persons that were universally taking , and those differently . the one had agreeable qualities of all sorts ; for the ordinary sort of men , for the humorists , and even for the fantastical ; he seem'd to have in his nature , wherewith to please every body . the other had so many rare accomplishments , that he might assure himself of esteem where-ever vertue was rever'd . the first cou'd insinuate himself , and never fail'd to gain the affections . the second was somewhat morose and fierce , but commanded esteem . to compleat this difference , a man gave himself up with pleasure to the insinuations of the former , and submitted oftentimes with reluctance to the worth of the latter . i had a strict friendship with 'em both , and can say , that i never saw anything in the one , but what was agreeable ; or in the other , but what was valuable . when i want the company of men of conversation , i have recourse to the learned ; and if i meet with men skilfull in polite learning , i think my self no great loser by exchangeing of the delicacy of the present , for that of past ages . but there are very few that have a true judgment : polite learning is by most mens management rendered very nauseous . of all the men i ever knew , antiquity is the most indebted to mr. waller , not only for the nicety and fineness of his apprehension , which he employs to dive , even into the soul of the antients for their true meaning , but likewise for the beauty of his fancy , with which he embellishes their thoughts too . i have seen in few years abundance of criticks , and but few good judges . i affect not that sort of learned men , that rack their brains to restore a reading , which is not mended by the restitution . the whole mystery of their learning lyes in what we might as well be ignorant of , and what is worth the knowing , they never understand . they never imagine , never think nicely enough to taste the delicacy of the sense , or the elegance of a thought . they may serve well enough for expositors to grammarians ; they drudge the same way , and are made of the same lump : but they can never rightly apprehend any man of sense among the antients ; such a talent is diametrically opposite to theirs . in history , they neither mind men , nor matters ; they lay the whole weight on cronology ; and for the date of a consul's death , neglect the knowledge of his character , or of the transactions during his consulate . tully with them had been no more then a compiler of harangues , or caesar then a scribler of commentaries . the consul , the general slip by 'em without notice , the spirit that animates their works is unperceiv'd , and the principal matters they treat of unknown . i value infinitely a critic of sense , if the expression may be allow'd . such is the excellent work of machiavel upon the decades of livy ; and such wou'd be the reflections of monsieur de rohan upon caesars commentaries , had he peirc'd deeper into his designs , and expos'd to a clearer light the secret springs of his conduct . notwithstanding , i must own that he has equall'd , if not outreach'd the penetration of machiavel in his remarks upon the clemency of caesar in the civil wars . but we may see that his own experience of such wars , gave abundance of light to those judicious observations . after the study of polite learning ( for which i have a more particular affection , ) i love the science of those great lawyers , who might themselves be legislators ; who reascend to that original justice that rules humane society , that know what liberty nature permits in establisht governments , and what for the publick good , easies private men of the burthen of politicks . the conversation of mr. — affords these instructions with as much pleasure as profit . from hobbs , that great genious of england , we may receive these shining lights , yet not altogether so true ; for somethings he mistakes , others he pushes too far . were grotius yet alive , all things might be learnt of that universally learn'd man , who is yet more valuable for his reasonings than for his learning . tho' he is dead , his writings still resolve the most important difficulties ; and were justice only regarded , they might be a standing rule to all nations in points of war , and peace . his book , de iure belli & pacis , ought to be the chief study of soveraign princes , their ministers , and whoever else have any share in the government of the people . nay , even the knowledge of that law which descends to the affairs of private men , ought not to be slighted . but this is left to the care of the gentlemen of the gown , and denied to princes as a thing below-them , tho' every moment of their reign , they issue out warrants that extend to the fortunes , liberties , and lives of their subjects . they are only entertain'd with harangues about valour , which is only an instrument of destruction , and discourses of liberality , which is but a more regular method of squandering , unless it is bounded by justice . they ought indeed to suit the vertues they preach to the necessities of every ones temper : to infuse liberality into the covetous , to spur the unactive with the thirst of glory , and curb , as much as is possible , the ambitious with the reins of justice . but amongst all the diversity of tempers , justice is still most requisite ; for it keeps up order as well in him that does it , as in them to whom it is done . this is not a constraint that lessens the power of a prince , for in doing it to others , he learns to do it to himself , and so it is in him a voluntary act , tho' we necessarily receive it from his power . i read not in history of any prince , better educated then cyrus the great . they were not contented exactly to inform him what was justice in all respects , but they made him put his instructions in practice as often as occasion was offer'd ; so that they did at the same time imprint the notions of it on his mind , and establish an habitual justice in his soul. the education of alexander was of somewhat too large an extent : he was taught the knowledge of every thing in nature , but himself . his ambition afterwards diffus'd it self as far as his learning ; and knowing all , he grew desirous to conquer all . but he had little or no method in his conquests , and abundance of irregularity in his life for want of knowing what he owed to the publick , to private men , and to himself . no men whatsoever can take too effectual a care to make themselves just , for they have naturally too strong a biass the contrary way . justice is the foundation and the fence of all society ; without it we should still be strowlers , and vagabonds ; our impetuosity would soon reduce us to our primitive confusion , out of which we are happily extricated , yet instead of chearfully acknowledging the benefit , we find a regret to submit to that happy subjection it keeps us in , and still long after that fatall liberty which would be the unhappiness of our lives . when the scriptures tell us that the just are few , it means not in my opinion , that men are not yet inclin'd to good works . but it seems to intimate how little an inclination they have to 'em out of a principle of justice . indeed were mens good actions examined , they would most of em be found to have their source from the consideration of some other vertues . bounty , friendshi● , and benevolence are the ordinary spring● from whence they flow : charity supplies our neighbours wants ; liberality bestows , and generosity obliges . justice which ought to partake in all , is laid aside as burthensome ; and necessity alone gives it a share in our actions . nature endeavours to find a kind of self complaisance in these first qualities , where we act upon pleasing motives : but in this she finds a secret violence , where anothers right extorts from us what we owe , and we only acquit our selves of our own obligations , not lay any upon them by our beneficence . it is a secret aversion to justice that makes us fonder of giving than returning , of obliging than acknowledging . thus we see the most liberal , generous men are not usually the most just. justice includes a regularity that bridles 'em , as being founded on a constant method of reason , oppos'd to those natural impulses , which are the hinges upon which liberality almost always moves . there is something , i know not what , heroical in great liberality , as well as in great valour ; and there is a great analogy between those two vertues , the one raises the soul above the consideration of wealth , as the other beyond the management and desire of life . but with all these gay and generous motives , without good conduct , the one becomes ruinous , and the other fatal . those whom cross accidents of fortune have undone , are pityed by all the world , because it is a misfortune the conditions of humanity submit us to : but those that are reduc'd to misery by vain profusion , raise more contempt than commiseration ; because it is the issue of a peculiar folly , from which every man has the good conceipt to think himself exempt . but besides nature is always a sufferer little by compassion , and to relieve her self of an uneasie thought , she represents to her self the folly of the prodigall , rather than rest on the prospect of the beggar . all things consider'd , it is enough for private men to be benefactors . as this ought not to be meerly through a softness of nature which lukewarmly lets go what it has not its strength to keep ; i despise the weakness which we call ill plac'd bounty , and hate no less the vanity of those that never do a kindness but for the pleasure of boasting of it . there are not so many ungratefull men , as there are thought to be ; because there are not so many generous men as we imagin . he that in silence suppresses a favour receiv'd is an unthankful fellow , that deserv'd it not . but he that publishes one that he has done , turns it to an injury , shewing to your disgrace the necessity you had of him . i would have an honest man cautious of receiving obligations , and sensible of 'em when receiv'd : i would have him that obliges satisfyed with the generosity of the action , and not think of any acknowledgement from the party oblig'd . when a return is expected , it is no longer liberality ; it is a sort of trade , which the spirit of interest wou'd introduce into favours . 't is true , there are some persons in whose nature ingratitude is rooted : ingratitude is the main ingredient in their composition ; with that their heart their soul , and every part is season'd : then make no returns to love , not because they are hard and insensible , but because they are ingratefull . this ingratitude of the heart is of all the kinds of it the most opposite to humanity . for a generous man may be sometimes necessitated to banish the thoughts of a past kindness , to ease himself of the trouble that some obligations are apt to give . but friendship knitts , not fetters us together ; and without some extraordinary violence to nature , it is impossible to resist its tender engaging charms . the ingratitude of the soul is a natural indisposition to acknowledge a service , even without regard to interest . avarice may sometimes suppress an obligation , to avoid the expence of a return . but pure ingratitude is without farther design in it self averse to all acknowledgements . there is another sort of ingratitude founded on a conceipt of our own worth ; our vanity mistakes services done us , for dues paid to us . the ambition of liberty has likewise its ingratitude as well as vanity . the only subjection it allows is to the laws ; out of abhorrence of a dependance , it hates the memory of obligations that show a superiority in the benefactor . this makes republicans ingratefull . they think that a diminution of their liberty , which others impute to their ingratitude . brutus thought it meritorious to sacrifice his obligations to his liberty . all the kindnesses heap'd on him were converted to injuries , when he began to look upon 'em as fetters . he could kill a benefactor that aim'd to be his master . an abominable villany amongst the patrons of gratitude . an admirable vertue with the sticklers for liberty . as there are men purely ingratefull , out of a meer sense of ingratitude , so there are some meerly thankful out of a pure sense of thankfulness . their hearts are sensible not only of good turns , but even of good will too ; and have of themselves a propensity to acknowledge all manner of obligations . there is as great a diversity of thanks , as of ingratitude ; there are some poor spirits that think themselves oblig'd by every thing , as well as vain humours that do so by nothing . if self-conceipt has its proud ingrates , distrust of merit has its weak thankfull ones , that take common justice for an obligation . this diffidence of themselves gives 'em an inclination to subjection , and that obliges them to make another sort of acknowledgment . these persons as they are encumber'd with liberty , and asham'd of servitude , raise up chimerical obligations , to give an honourable colour to their submission . i will not reckon among the grateful , those poor wretches that think themselves oblig'd to us for not hurting ' em . they are not only slaves , but slaves that have not the courage to hope well . to these transported wretches all treatment that is not rigourous is favourable , and every thing that is not an injury , they think a kindness . i shall only now consider court acknowledgments , which have not so much respect to the past , as design upon the future . they acknowledge obligations to all that are in any post to oblige ; and by an affected gratitude for favours never done insinuate themselves into those , in whose power it is to do 'em , and industriously put themselves in the way of ' em . this trick of thanks as it is undoubtedly no vertue , so neither is it a vice but cunning , which it is lawful to serve our selves with , and guard our selves from . the great ones in requital have a trick as artificial to excuse themselves from doing kindnesses , as the courtiers can have to engage 'em to it . they reproach men with services never done , and complain of ingratitude , tho' they have hardly ever obliged any one , to draw from hence a specious pretence to oblige no body . but let this affected gratitude , and these mysterious complaints of ingratitude pass ; let us see what is to be wish'd in the pretences to , and the distribution of benefits . i cou'd wish in the pretenders more merit than address , and in the disposers more generosity than ofsentation . justice respects every thing in the distribution of favours : it regulates the liberality of the donour , and weighs the merit of the receiver . generosity thus circumstantiated is an admirable vertue : not so , it is the motion of a soul truly noble , but ill govern'd ; or of a wild ostentatious humour , that thinks reason a clogg to it . there are so many things to be consider'd in the distribution of kindnesses , that the safest way is always to observe strict justice , and consult reason equally about those we make the objects of ' em . but even among those that intend strict justice , how many are misguided by their tempers to reward or punish ? when we give way to insinuation , and yield to complement , self-love represents to us as justice a lavishness to them that flatter us ; and we reward 'em for the artifice they use to deceive our judgments , and prevail upon the imbecility of our wills. they cheat themselves yet more easily , that mistake a morose temper for an inclination to justice . the itch of punishing is ingenious in 'em to set an ill gloss upon every thing . pleasure with them is vice , and error a crime . a man must divest himself of humanity to escape their rigour . misled by a false notion of vertue , they think they chastise criminals , while they torment the miserable . if justice appoints a great punishment , ( which is sometimes necessary ) it is proportion'd to some great crime , but is never harsh or rigorous . severity and rigour are no part of it , but spring from the humour of those persons that execute it . as these sorts of punishments flow from justice without rigour , so likewise does pardon in some cases rather then from clemency . to pardon faults of error is but justice to the failings of our nature . i might proceed to several other particulars of justice , but it is now high time to think of religion , which ought to be our principal care . after the manner that i have liv'd in the world , people will not easily believe that i am very solicitous about salvation . yet i can safely aver , that no man e're thought of the next world with more application than my self . 't is stupidity to set up our rest in a life that may terminate every moment . meer curiosity will make us inquisitive to know what shall become of us after our death . we are too dear to our selves to agree to the irrecoverable loss of our selves . self love secretly opposes the notion of annihilation . we are desirous to exist always , and the soul as it is interess'd in its own conversation , improves this desire we have of receiving some light into a thing so obscure . yet the body finding by certain experience that it must die , and unwilling to die alone seeks reasons to involve the soul in one common state. but the soul which knows its actions are independant of those organs , is sensible that it can subsist without ' em . i have called all the light i could both from the antients and moderns to assist my reflections to dive into so dark a matter : i have read all that has been written on the immortality of the soul , and after i have done it with all my attention possible , the clearest proof that i find of the eternity of my soul , is my own perpetual desire that it may be so . i wish i had never read mousieur descartes's meditations : the great reputation of that excellent man among us gave me some hope of finding that demonstration he promises ; but there appears to me rather probability then certainty in his arguments ; and how desirous soever i was to be convinc'd by his reasons , all that i can do in his favour or my own , is to rest where i was before . i leave the study of metaphysicks to make an enquiry into religion , and looking a book upon that antiquity of which i am so fond , i find among the greeks and romans , nothing more then a superstitious idolatrous worship , or politick humane contrivances establish'd for the government of men. it is not difficult for me to see the advantages of the christian religion over all the rest ; and submitting my self the best i can with reverence to the belief of its misteries , i leave my reason to tast with pleasure the purest , and most perfect morality in the world. amidst the diversity of beleifs that divide christianity , the true catholick engages me as well by my own free election , were i yet to choose , as by the habitual impression it has long since made upon me . what we now call religion is indeed but a difference in religion , and not a different religion . i rejoyce that my faith is more sound then a hereticks ; yet instead of hating him for this difference , i love him because he agree's with me in the fundamentals . the means at length to agree in the whole , is always to commuicate in something . a desire of reunion can never be inspir'd till the enmity that arises from division be suppress'd . men may seek one another as sociable , but they never join with their enemies . besides , the difference of doctrine in some points affected in every sect , i remark , as it were , a sort of particular spirit that distinguishes ' em . the catholick tends particularly to the love of god , and good works . we look upon this first being , as an object soveraignly amiable , and tender souls are touch'd with the sweet and agreeable impressions it makes on ' em . good works follow necessarily from this principle ; for love once receiv'd within , actuates us without , and puts us upon endeavouring all we can to please him we love . all we have to fear in this case is , lest the source of this love , the heart , should be corrupted by the mixture of any passion altogather humane . it is likewise to be feared , that instead of obeying the ordinance of god , we should frame methods of serving him according to our own fancies . but if this love be real and pure , nothing in the world yields that true sweetness and satisfaction . the inward joy of devout souls rises from a secret assurance they have of being agreeable to god ; and the true mortifications , and holy austerities are nothing else but pious sacrifices of themselves . the reformed religion divests men of all confidence in merit . the opinion of predestination , which it dares not forgo , leaves the mind languid , unmov'd , without affection , under prerence of waiting with submission for the will of heaven . it is content barely to obey , and seeks not to please ; and in a set common worship , makes god the object rather of their regularity than love. the calvinists abstract from religion every thing that appears humane , to preserve its purity : but in endeavouring to debar man of what is humane , they frequently retrench too much of what is address'd to god. their dislike of our ceremonies , makes 'em industrious to refine upon us . yet when they have attain'd to this dry naked purity , they have not so much devotion . those that are pious among 'em , raise up a private spirit , which they think inspir'd ; so much dissatisfied are they with a formality that to them seems too common . there are in matters of worship two sorts of humours . the one wou'd be always adding to , and the other always retrenching what is established . in the first , there is a hazard of giving too much out-side to religion , and covering it with so many exteriors , that the real ground of it cannot be seen through ' em . in the other , the danger is least after having cut off all that appears superfluous , religion it self should be pared . tho' the catholicks have abundance of ceremonies , yet that hinders not but that men of understanding may see well enough through ' em . the reform'd use too little , and their ordinary worship is not sufficiently distinguish'd from the common occupations of life . in places where it is not tolerated , the difficulty heightens their disgust , and the dispute raises a warmth that animates ' em . where it rules , it produces only an exact compliance , as the civil government , or any other obligation might do . good manners among the huguenots are only the effects of their faith , and the subjects of their belief . we are agreed on both sides , that every christian is bound to beleive , and live aright , but our ways of expressing it differ : they say that good works without faith are but dead works , and we , that faith without good works is but dead faith. they that began the reformation accused us of corruption and vice ; and we now object against them our good works . those that reproach'd us with ill living , will now take no other advantage of us then that of an imaginary purer faith. we allow the necessity of belief , but charity was commanded by jesus christ , and the doctrine of his precepts is much more plain then that of his misteries . our faith is obscure , but our law is very clearly expressed . the necessary points of our faith are above the apprehension of abundance of men , but those of our duty are suitted to the capacities of all the world. in a word , god has given us light enough to do well ; and we would serve with it our curiosity of knowing too much ; and instead of acquiescing in what he is pleased to discover to us , we wou'd pry into what he has conceal'd from us . i know that the contemplation of heavenly things does sometimes happily disengage us from the world : but it is frequently no more then meer speculation , and the fruit of a vice very natural to mankind . the immoderate ambition of knowledge extends it self beyond nature even to inquire into what is most misterious in its author , not so much out of a design to adore him , as out of a vain curiosity of knowing all things . this vice is close followed by another : curiosity breeds presumption , and we as boldly define , as we rashly inquire , we erect a science of those things that are to us altogether inconceiveable . so depravedly do we use the will and understanding . we proudly aspire to know every thing and cannot ; we may religiously observe every thing and will not : let us be just , charitable , and patient according to the principles of our religion , and we shall know and observe all together . i leave it to our doctors to refute the errours of the calvinists , 't is enough for me to be perswaded that our opinions are the sounder . but if rightly apprehended , i dare say the spirit of both religions is differently grounded on good principles ; only one more extends the exercise of good works ; with the other , the cautions to avoid evill , take deeper root . the catholick with an active resolution , and loving industry is perpetually seeking some new way of pleasing god. the hugenot with all circumspection and respect dares not venture beyond a known precept , for fear by imaginary novelties of giving too much sway to his fancy . to be always disputing points of doctrine , is not the means to reunite us . arguments are inexhaustible , and the controversie will last as long as there are men to manage it . but if we wou'd leave these disputes , that only serve to exasperate us , and return without passion to that spirit that distinguishes us . i think it not impossible to find some general in which we may agree . let us catholiques bridle the restless zeal , that makes us act a little too much of our own heads . let the huguenots quit a little their unactive regularity , and animate their languour without departing from their submission to providence . let us do somthing in condescention to them , that they may return as much in complaisance to us . then without thinking of free will , or predestination , we shall frame insensibly a true rule for our actions , which will be follow'd by that of our opinions . if we come to a reconciliation of wills upon the good conduct of life , it will soon produce a good understanding in doctrine . let us do what we can to joyn in good works . and we shall not long be of separate faiths . i conclude from the little that has been said , that it is an ill method of converting men , to attack 'em by affronting their judgments . a man defends his notions either as truth , or as his own ; and however it be , he raises a hundred objections against the person that wou'd convince him . nature has given to every one his proper sense , and seems to have engag'd him to it by a secret fond iudulgence , he can submit to the will of another , tho' he be free : he can own himself inferiour in courage and vertue ; but to confess a submission to another mans sense , is what he is scandaliz'd at : and he is most naturally averse to acknowledge a superiority of reason in any one whomsoever . the chief advantage of humanity is to be born reasonable , and to hear another pretend more of it then our selves gives us the greatest jealousies . if we consult the conversions of antient times , we shall find that their souls were mov'd , but their understandings very little convinc'd . the first disposition to receive the truths of christianity is formed in the heart . things purely natural , the mind may conceive , and it's knowledge springs from it's relation to the object . with supernatural the soul is taken , it is affected , it adheres , and unites it self , without ever comprehending ' em . heaven has better prepar'd our hearts for the impressions of grace , then our understandings for illumination . it 's immensity confounds our narrow intellects . it 's bounty agrees better with our love. there is i know not what within us that secretly pleads for a god , which we cannot comprehend , and hence it is that to succeed in the conversion of men , we must settle a pleasing commerce with 'em , by means of which we may inspire 'em with the same movements : for in disputes of religion the mind in vain strains it self to make us see , what we see but too much . in a sweet and pious familiarity it is easie for the soul to infuse the same sentiments . to consider well the christian religion wou'd make one think , that god had depriv'd it of the light of our minds , that it might turn more upon the motions of our hearts . to love god and our neighbour includes all , says st. paul. and what is this , but to require a disposition of heart as well towards god as man ? it is to oblige us to do out of a principle of love , what the civil government enjoyns by rigorous laws , and morality requires by a severe order of reason . charity makes us relieve and succour , while justice forbids us to do wrong . the one with difficulty hinders opposition , the other with pleasure procures relief . those that have the true notions that our religion inspires , can't be unfaithfull to a friend or ungrateful to a benefactor . with these good sentiments a heart innocently loves these objects god has made amiable , and the most innocent of our love is the most charming and tender . look upon man in a civil society , if justice be necessary to him , yet 't is a restraint . in the state of nature , his liberty will have something of barbarity in it ; and if he govern himself by morality , his reason is austere . all other religions raise in our minds tempestuous thoughts , and troublesome passions . they erect against nature superstitious fears , and a furious zeal : sometimes to the sacrificing our children , like agamemnon , at other times to the devoting our selves , like decius . only the christian religion composes all our inquietudes ; softens all our feirceness ; sets all our tender movements a going , not only for our friends and neighbours , but for the indifferent , and even for our enemies . this is the end of the christian religion , and this was once the practice of it . if it be otherwise now , it is because we have let it lose its influence on our hearts , and given way to the encroachments of our imaginations . hence springs the division of our minds about faith , instead of the union of our wills in good works : so that what ought to be a band of charity betwixt men , is now become the subject of their quarrells , their jealousies , and their ill nature . from this diversity of opinions has arisen that of parties , and the adherence to parties has caused revolts and wars . many thousands have died in disputing the manner of takeing the sacrament , which they have agreed must be taken . this mischeif will last till religion quits the curiosity of our minds for the tenderness of our hearts , and discourag'd by the foolish presumption of our enquiries , shall return to the sweet motions of our love. him capable of perceiving his folly , and by this means to kill himself out of meer shame and despair . the greatest and most prudent of the goddesses favours scandalous passions , and lends her assistance to carry on a criminal amour . the same goddess employs all sorts of artifice to destroy a small hand-full of innocent people , who by no means deserved her indignation . she thought it not sufficient to employ her power and that of the other gods , whom she solicited , to ruine aeneas , but even corrupts the god of sleep to cast palinurus into a slumber , who so ordered affairs , that by his treachery the poor pilot dropt into the sea , and there perished . there is not one of these gods in these poems that does not bring the greatest misfortunes upon men , and set them on the most fatal attempts . nothing is so villainous here below , which is not executed by their order , or authoriz'd by their example , and this is one of the things that principally contributed to give birth to the sect of the epicureans , and afterwards to support it . epicurus , lucretius , and petronius wou'd rather make their gods lazy , and enjoying their immortal nature in an uninterrupted tranquility , than see them active , and cruelly employ'd to disturb our repose . nay , epicurus by doing so , pretended he show'd his great respect for the gods ; and from hence proceeded that saying which bacon so much admire . non deos vulgi negare profanum , sed vulgi opinionem diis applicare profanum . now i don't mean by this , that we are oblig'd to discard the gods out of our works , and much less from those of poetry , where they seem to enter more naturally than any where else . a iove principium musae . i am for introducing them as much as any man , but then i wou'd have them bring their wisdom , justice , and clemency along with them , and not appear , as we generally make them , like a pack of impostors and assassins . i wou'd have them come with a conductto regulate all matters , and not in a disorder to confound every thing . perhaps it may be reply'd , that these extravagancies ought only to pass for fables and fictions , which belong to the jurisdiction of poetry . but i wou'd fain know what art and science in the world has the power to exclude good sense ? if we need only write in verse to be priviledged in all extravagancies , for my part i wou'd never advise any man to meddle with prose , where he must immediately be pointed at for a coxcomb , if he leaves good sense and reason never so little behind him . i wonder extreamly that the antient poets who were so scrupulous to preserve probability in actions purely human ; violated it after so abominable a manner when they come to recount the actions of the gods. even those who have spoken of their nature more soberly than the rest , cou'd not forbear to speak extravagantly of their conduct . when they establish their being , and their attributes , they make them immortal , infinite , almighty , perfectly wise , and perfectly good . but at the very moment they set them a working , there is no weakness to which they don't subject them ; there is no folly or wickedness which they don't make them commit . we have two common sayings , which appear to be directly opposite to one another , and yet i look upon both to be true . the one is , that poetry is the language of the gods ; the other , that there is not such a fool in nature as a poet. poetry that expresses with force and vigour those impetuous passions that disturb mankind , that paints the wonders of the universe in lively expressions , does elevate things purely natural , as it were above nature , by the sublimity of its thoughts , and the magnificence of its discourses , which may justly enough be called the language of the gods. but when poets come once to quit this noble field of passions and wonders , to speak of the gods , they abandon themselves to the caprice of their own imagination , in matters which they do not understand , and their heat having no just ideas to govern it , instead of making themselves , as they vainly believe , wholly divine , they are in truth the most extravagant sots in the world. it will be no difficult matter to be perswaded of the truth of this assertion , if we consider that this absurd and fabulous theology , is equally contrary to all notions of religion , and all the principles of good sense . there have been some philosophers that have founded religion upon that knowledge which men may have of the divinity by their natural reason . there have been law givers too that have stiled themselves the interpreters of the will of heaven , to establish a religious worship without any concurrence of reason . but to make , as the poets have done , a perpetual commerce , a familiar society , and if i may use the expression , a mixture or hotch potch of men and gods , against religion and reason , is certainly the boldest , and perhaps the most unaccountable thing that ever was . it remains for us to know , whether the character of a poem has virtue to rectifie that of impiety and folly . now , as i take it , we don't give so much power to the secret force of any charm. that which is wicked , is wicked for good and all ; that which is extravagant can be made good sense on no respect . as for the reputation of the poet , it rectifies nothing any more than the character of the poem does . discernment is a slave to no body . that which is effectually bad , is not a jot the better for being found in the most celebrated author : and that which is just and solid , is never the worse for coming from an indifferent hand . amongst a hundred fine and lofty thoughts , a good judge will soon discover an extravagant one , which a great genius threw out when it was warm , and which too strong an imagination was produced in defiance of good ; on the other hand , in the course of an infinite number of extravagant things , this same judge will admire certain beauties , where the spirit in spight of its impetuosity was just and regular . the elevation of homer and his other noble qualities , don't hinder me from taking notice of the false character of his gods : and that agreeable and judicious equality of virgil , that pleases all learn'd men , does not conceal from me the least defects of his aeneis . if amongst so many noble things which affect me in homer and virgil , i cannot forbear to remark what is defective in them ; yet amongst those passages that displease me in lucan either for being too flat , or weary me for being too far carried on , i cannot forbear to please my self in considering the just and true grandeur of his heroes . i endeavour to relish every word in him , when he expresses the secret movements of caesar at the discovery of pompey's head ; and nothing escapes me in that inimitable discourse of labienus and cato , where they debate whether they shall consult the oracle of iupiter , ammon , to know the destiny of the common-wealth . if all the ancient poets had spoken as worthily of the oracles of their gods , i should make no scruple to prefer them to the divines and philosophers of our time , and 't is a passage that may serve for an example in this matter to all succeeding poets one may see in the concourse of so many people that came to consult the oracle of ammon , what effects a publick opinion can produce , where zeal and superstition are mingled together . one may see in labienus a pious sensible man , who to his respect for the gods , unites the consideration and esteem we ought to preserve for true virtue in good men. cato is a religious severe philosopher , weaned from all vulgar opinions , who entertains those lofty thoughts of the gods , which pure undebauched reason and a truly elevated wisdom can attain to . every thing here is poetical , every thing is consonant to sense and truth ; it is not poetical by the ridiculous air of a fiction , or by the extravagance of an hyperbole , but by the daring greatness and majesty of the language , and by the noble elevation of the discourse . 't is thus that poetry is the language of the gods , and that poets are wise . and 't is so much the greater wonder to find it in lucan , because it is neither to be met in homer or virgil. of retirement . by mr. brown . we see nothing more ordinary with old men than to desire a retirement , and nothing so rare with them as not to repent of it when they are once retired . their souls that are in too great a subjection to their humours , are disgusted with the world for being tiresome , but scarce can they quit this false object of their misfortune , but they are as angry with solitude as they were with the world , disquieting themselves where nothing but themselves can give them any disquiet . this infirmity in some manner is peculiar to old age : but 't is not impossible for a wise man to preserve himself from it . a wise man that knows what is really good in every thing , draws all the assistances and agreements which they have , as well in a retirement as in society . the essential reason that obliges us to withdraw our selves out of the world , when we are old , is to prevent that laughter and contempt which age brings along with it . if we quit the world to good purpose , we shall still preserve the idea of that merit , which we had there . if we tarry too long in it , we shall proclaim our own defects , and what we are then , will efface the memory of what we were . besides 't is a shame for a person that values his credit to drag about him the infirmities of old age at the court , where the end of his services occasions that of his interests and merit . nature does redemand us to liberty , when we have nothing more to hope from fortune . behold what a sense of decency , what the care of our reputation , what good manners , and nature it self require from us . nor is this all , for the world has still a right to demand the same thing of us . it s commerce furnished us with pleasure so long as we were capable of relishing it : and it would be the highest ingratitude to be a charge to it , when we can give it nothing but disgust . as for my self , i am fully resolved to live in a convent or a desert , rather than give my friends an occasion to pitty me , or to furnish those that are not so , with a subject for their malicious mirth and raillery . but the mischief is , that a man is not sensible when he becomes weak and ridiculous . it is not enough to know that we are wholly worn away , but we ought to be the first that perceive this declension , and like prudent men to prevent the publick knowledge of this alteration . not that every alteration that age brings along with it , ought to inspire us with the resolution of retiring . 't is true , we lose a great deal by growing old , but amongst the losses we sustain , some of them are recompensed by considerable advantages . if after i have lost my passions , the affections continue with me still ; i shall find less inquietude in my pleasures , and more discretion in the conduct of my life . and in respect of others , if my imagination diminishes , i shall not please so much sometimes , but i shall be infinitely less importunate for the general part . if i quit all company , i shall be less embarassed . if i come from large companies to the conversation of a few , 't is because i know how to make the better choice . besides this , 't is to be considered , that if we change , we do it amongst people that change as well as our selves ; men of equal infirmities , or at least subject to the very same and therefore i shall not be at all ashamed to search in their presence some relief against the weakness of age ; nor shall i be afraid to supply by art what begins to fail me by nature . the greatest precaution against the injury of time , the nicest management of a health that daily becomes more feeble , cannot scandalize any men of sense , and we ought not to trouble our selves with those that are not so . for to say the truth , that which displeases in old people , is not too affected a care of their own preservation . we should easily forgive them every thing that relates to themselves , if they had but the same consideration for others . but the authority they assume is full of injustice and indiscretion ; for they unadvisedly oppose the inclinations even of those that bear the most with their infirmities . their long course of life has untaught them how to live amongst their fellow creatures , for they show nothing but a spirit of rudeness , austerity and contradiction to those very men , from whom they are so unreasonable as to exact affability , condescension and obedience . all that themselves do , they imagine to be virtuous , and place amongst the rank of vices every thing that lies out of their power . in a word , as they are constrained to follow nature , where she is tiresome and offensive , they wou'd by their good will , almost always oppose themselves to her , where she is sweet and agreeable . 't is an envious humour that hates in other men the good we possess no longer , or a temper purely melancholy , that disposes the mind to find fault with every thing . there is no part of our life wherein we ought to study our own humour with more application than in old age , for it is never so difficult to be discovered as then . an impetuous young fellow has a hundred returns , when he his dissatisfied with his extravagances : but old people devote themselves to their humours as if it were a virtue , and take pleasure in their own defects , because they carry a false resemblance of commendable qualities . in effect , proportionably as they render themselves more difficult , they vainly imagine that they become more delicate . they take up an invincible aversion to pleasure , believing that they are justly opposing the current of vice. a serious air passes with them for judgment , phlegm for wisdom , and hence proceeds that imperious authority they allow themselves to censure every thing . they look upon melancholy to supply the place of an indignation against sin , and gravity of sufficiency . the only sure remedy , when we once have proceeded so far , is to consult our reason in the intervalls when she is disengag'd from our humour , and if by its assistance we can arrive to the knowledge of our defects , we ought out of that little force that remains in us to form a resolution of concealing them from the sight of mankind . 't is all that our wisdom can do at this juncture to hide them , and it wou'd be a superfluous labour to endeavour wholly to get clear of them . 't is at this point of our life that we ought to assign some time between it and death , and to chuse a convenient place to pass it in devotion if possible , at least with prudence , or with a devotion that gives us confidence , or with reason that promises us repose . when our reason , which is so serviceable for the world , is , if i may use the expression worn out with long useing , a wise man forms another out of it to serve him in his retreat , which of ridiculous sots , as we appear to be in conversation , makes us truly wise in respect of our selves . of all the retreats that a man can possibly make when he is old , i should infinitely prefer that of a convent to all the rest , if their rules were less severe , and mortifying . 't is certain that old age shuns a crowd out of a delicate and retired humour , that cannot suffer either importunity , or an embarrass ; and yet it avoids solitude with greater diligence , where it is delivered up to its own black disquietudes , or to sullen vexatious imaginations . the only remaining releif against all this is the conversation of an honest society : now what society can better agree with it than a religious one , where all manner of human helps are afforded with more charity than else where , and where their vows all unite to demand those succours from heaven , which cannot reasonably be expected from men ? i confess we sometimes meet a religious ( as the world calls them ) of inestimable merit , such as throughly know the vanity of the world which they quitted . they are your truly virtuous and truly devout persons , that improve the sentiments of morality by those of piety . they live not only exempt from the tyranny of their passions , but enjoy a most admirable serenity of mind . they are more happy in desiring nothing , than the greatest monarchs upon earth in possessing all — i cou'd wish that we had established societies , where honest gentlemen might commodiously retire after they have done the publick all the service they were capable to perform . when they were once entered here , whether out of a consideration of their future state , a dislike of the world , or a desire of tranquillity , which is to succeed the different agitations of fortune , they might taste the delight of a pious retreat , and the innocent pleasure of an honest and agreeable conversation . as for my self , i wou'd freely retreat to such a place from the delights of the world at an age , when a man's relish of pleasure is as it were extinguished ; but then i wou'd not be without the conveniences of it at this time , when we more sensibly feel whatsoever incommodes us , as in proportion we become more nice in the pursuit of what pleases us , or are less tender in relation to what affects us . these conveniences so desirable in old age ought to be as far removed from abundance , that occasions disorder , as from those anxieties that follow the heels of necessity ; and to explain my self more clearly upon this chapter , i wou'd have a true frugality rightly manag'd . i was formerly acquainted with a certain person that had several pleasant thoughts about this affair . how happy might a man live , said he , in any society where he disarms fortune of that jurisdiction she pretends to have over him . we sacrifice to this fortune , our estates , our repose , our years , and perhaps unprofitably , and if we arrive to possess its favours , we purchase the short-liv'd enjoyment , sometimes at the expence of our liberty , and sometimes of our lives . but suppose all our greatness should continue as long as we lived , yet it would at least expire with our selves : and what use of their grandeur have these great favourites made , who never beheld the course of their fortune interrupted ? don 't they seem to have acquired this mighty stock of glory , and to have heaped these prodigious riches for no other end , than to make themselves more sensible of the torment of being neither able to quit nor keep them . these were his usual sentiments , and this agreeable courtier , whose conversation gave the greatest delight imaginable to his friends , suffer'd himself to be intirely possest with this train of thoughts , sometimes judicious , but always serious . i truly acknowledge there is a certain time when the wisest action we can do , is to quit the world ; but as fully perswaded as i am , of the truth of this assertion , i should infinitely sooner be directed by nature to my retirement , than by my reason . hence it proceeds , that in the midst of the world , i live after such a fashion as if i were retired out of it . i still continue in it as far as i seek what pleases me , and am still out of it as far as i avoid whatever incommodes me there . every day i steal away from acquaintances that weary , and conversations that tire me . every day i establish a sweet commerce with my friends , and find the most sensible pleasure in the delicacy of their entertainment . after my way of living , i neither enjoy a full society , nor a perfect retirement . 't is only an innocent bringing of my self to that station which does most square with my inclinations . and thus i possess all those harmless sweetnesses that are most suitable to the repose of old age , and are justly fitted for the proportion of what i am able to relish agreably . when the last moments of our lives draw near , nature delights in innocence and ease : and she that ruffled the gay scene before , now whispers soft repose and holy peace . love once expir'd , our golden days are gone : but then our mind disarm'd of all wild passions , preserves its strength and vigour for its exit . we learn vain gaudy pleasures to despise , and justly in our own defence turn wise. a novel . by another hand . at the time that monsieur de comminges was ambassadour from the most christian king to the king of great britain , there came to london a phisitian , who called himself an irish-man : this person passed for a great philosopher , and a mighty performer of wonders , according to the opinion of the credulous , and his own perswasion ; and the way he made use of to cure the distemper'd , made him to be suspected in many places for a magician . some persons of quality having entreated monsieur de comminges to send for him to his house in order to see some of his prodigies , he was very willing to grant them that satisfaction , as well through his natural curiosity , as his complaisance for them . whereupon he sent notice to this pretended magician , that he should come to his house . upon the noise , which was every where dispersed of this news , the house of monsieur de comminges was soon filled with sick people , who came with a full assurance of their cure. the irish-man made them wait for him some time ; and after an impatient expectation , the sick and curious saw him arrive with a grave , but simple countenance , which carried in it not the least mark of an impostor . monsieur de comminges prepared himself to examine him nicely , hoping to be well enabled to enlarge himself at his pleasure upon all that he had read in elmond and bodin : but he could not effect it , to his great concern : for the crowd became so troublesome , and the infirm pressed on so eagerly to be cured the first , that they had much a do with menaces and even force to regulate their ranks . the irish physitian referred all indispositions to spirits , and all infirmities were , in his sense , possessions . the first that was presented to him , was a man oppressed with gouts , and certain rheumatisms , which it had been impossible for him to get cured of . which our wonder-maker observing , i have seen long since , says he , this sort of spirits in ireland . they are water-spirits which bring coldness , and excite superfluities of humours in these poor bodies . thou evil spirit , who hast left the habitation of the waters to come and afflict this miserable body , i command thee to abandon thy new abode , and to return to thy antient residence . this being said , the sick man retired ; and another supplied his room , who said he was tormented with melancholly vapours . indeed , he was one of those who are ordinarily called hypocondriacks and sick of imagination , altho' they are but too much so in effect . airy spirit , says the irish-man , return into the air to exercise thy trade in raising of tempests , and stir up no more hurricanes in this sad and miserable body . this sick person gave way to another who was disturbed , according to the opinion of the physitian , with a simple hobgoblin , which would not have force enough to withstand his discourse a moment . he suppos'd that he had sufficiently observed him by certain marks , which did not appear to us ; and smiling upon the assembly . this sort of spirit , says he , are seldom troublesome , and almost always diverting . in short , he pretended he was ignorant of nothing in matter of spirits . he was acquainted with their number , their ranks , their names , their employments , and all the functions to which they were destined ; and he made a familiar boast of understanding the intrigues of demons , much better than the affairs of men. you cannot imagin what reputation he gain'd in a very little time . catholicks and protestants came to him from all parts ; and you would have said that the power of heaven was lodged in the hands of this man , when an unexpected adventure , destroyed the wonderful opinion which the publick entertain'd of him . a man and woman of the country , who were married together , came to seek some relief in his miracle-working virtue against certain spirits of discord , said they , which disturbed their marriage , and ruined the peace of the family . it was a good gentleman , aged about years , who look'd like one of estate and quality . methinks i have the lady before my eyes . she was about years old , and seemed to be of a goodly make ; but one might already see in her face , that there had been formerly more delicacy in the features of her beauty . i have named the husband first by reason of the dignity of his rank ; yet the wife would speak first , whether it was because she believ'd her self to be more tormented with her spirit , or that she was only pressed with that ambition of talking , which is natural to her sex. i have a husband , said she , who is one of the best men of the world , to whom i give a thousand disquiets , and who gives me no less in his turn . my intention would be to live comfortably with , and i should always do so , if a strange spirit , wherewith i feel my self possessed at certain times , did not render me so fierce , and insupportable , that it is not possible to endure me : after these agitations are ceased , i return to my natural good humour , i then forget no care , nor no agreement that conduces to the obliging of my husband : but his demon possesses him , when mine forsakes me ; and this husband who has so much patience for my transports , has nothing but fury for my reason . and alas ! i have no less to endure from him , than he from me . here stopt a woman in all appearance sincere eenough , and the husband , who was no less , began his discourse as follows . whatsoever reason i have to complain of my wive's devil , i am however under an obligation to him , in that he has not taught her to lye ; and i must acknowledge , that she has said nothing but what is very true . all the time she appears to me to be in agitation i am composed , but as soon as her spirit leaves her in peace , mine torments me in its turn ; and with a new courage , and new forces , which i find myself stirred up with , i make her discern with all possible vigour the dependance of a wife , and the superiority of a husband . thus our lives pass either in committing or enduring mischeif : which renders us in a worse condition , than the most miserable . behold our torments , sir ; and if it be possible that you should know a remedy , i conjure you to be our deliverer . the cure of a distemper so strange as this of ours , will procure you no inconsiderable honour . these are neither hobgoblins , nor faries said the irish-man , they are spirits of the first order , and of the legion of lucifer : proud demons , great enemies to obedience , and very hard to expell . you will not take it amiss , gentlemen , pursued he , turning to the assembly , that i examine my books a little ; for i have occasion for words that are not of the common stamp . thereupon he with drew into a closet , in order to turn over his books and papers ; and after having made use of a hundred forms , as too weak against such powerful enemies , he fell at last upon one , that was capable in his opinion , of confounding and expelling all the devils in hell. the first effect of the conjuration was upon himself ; for his eyes began to rowl in his head , with so many grimaces & convulsions , that he might very well appear distracted to those who came to seek his assistance . after having turned his staring eyes on all sides , he fixed them at length upon this virtuous couple , and striking both of them with a wand , which was not without vertue : be gone , devils , says he , go ye spirits of dissension , and exercise discord in hell , and by your departure let that happy union be re-established , which you have impiously broken . then he approached softly to the ears of the pretended possessed , and raising a little the tone of his voice , i hear you murmur devils , at the obedience which ye are forced to render me : but were ye to burst with madness , ye must be gone . depart , depart , and you my friends , go and enjoy that repose , which ye have been deprived of so long . it is sufficient , gentlemen , i protest to you that i am all in a sweat with the labour , which the opposition of these obstinate devils has given me . i believe i have had to do with two thousand spirits in my life time , who all together have not given me so much pain and trouble as these . which being done , the irish-man retired , and all the company went out of the house , and our good people returned to their lodgings , with a satisfaction more wonderfull , than the prodigy which had been effected in their favour . when they were come home , every thing appeared agreeable to them by this new alteration of mind , which created a strange severity in their senses they found a smiling air in all things ; they lookt upon themselves with pleasure , and were not wanting in sweet and tender words to express their love. but , vain delights , how little dependence is there upon your duration ! and how unseasonably do persons rejoyce , that are born to misfortunes , when they obtain a small happiness . such was their tranquillity , when a lady of their acquaintance came to express to them the general joy of the town for their cure. they answered this civility with all the discretion in the world ; and the usual complements on this occasion being made and returned , the husband began a very pertinent conversation upon the happy condition they were in , after so long a train of miseries . our wife , either to cause a greater admiration of these wonders , or else to please her own malicious humour , enlarged her self with satisfaction upon the tricks which her devil had suggested to her , to torment her husband . upon which the husband jealous of the honour of this devil , or at least , of his own authority , gave her to understand , that she talked too much of things past , the remembrance whereof was irksom to him . he added that in the state wherein they found themselves re-established , she ought to think of nothing else , but that obedience , which a wife ows to her husband ; as he would only consider on his side , how to make a lawful use of his priviledges , in order to make their condition as happy for the future , as it had been unfortunate hitherto . our wife being offended at the word obedience , but especially at the cruel injunction to be silent , forgot no arguments that might serve to prove an equality in marriage , saying ; that the devils were not at such a distance , but they might be recalled , in case this equality was violated . this lady above mentioned , who was as discreet and judicious as any of her sex , wisely represented to her the duty of wives , not forgetting the conduct and good management , whereto husbands were obliged . but her reason instead of composing , did but incense her the more , and she became more insupportable than before . you are in the right , dear wise , replyed the husband , the devils were not gone so far , but they might be recalled ; or rather , you have been so kind to yours , that he was resolved to continue with you , notwithstanding the command which was given him to leave you . i am too weak of my self to be concerned alone with you and him ; which obliges me to retire , exposed as i am to such dangerous forces . and i likewise retire , say she , with this spirit , that will not abandon me . he must be a very ill humour'd , damn'd sort of a devil indeed , if he is not more tractable than so troublesome and so cursed a husband . then turning towards her friend . before i go , said she to her , i am glad i have an occasion , madam , to tell you with freedom , that i expected quite another treatment from your friendship , and that you have forgot the interest which obliges you , to take a wives part against the violence of her husband . 't is a very strange thing to see my self run down by one that should support me . adieu , madam , adieu ; your visits do me a great deal of honour , but one may very well dispense with them , if they do no more good than this . this good , but too discreet lady was extreamly amaz'd ; instructed by her own experience , that even wisdom has its excess , and that for the most part one makes an ill use of ones reason with those who have none . you may judge that she did not stay long alone in a house , where nothing was talked of but devils , and nothing done but what was of the highest pitch of extravagance . the husband passed the rest of the day and all the night in his chamber , ashamed of the short-liv'd joy he had received , vexed at the present state of his affairs , and reflecting upon what might happen to him from this sudden return of his wives distemper , with great anxiety of mind . as the agitation of the wife had been much greater , so it remain'd not so long ; so that return'd soon to her senses , she made sad reflections upon the loss of those pleasures , whereof she found her self depriv'd . there are certain tempers in the world , that after a few moments come to themselves again , and demand of their reason why they should sacrifice their interest and their pleasure to a foolish spirit of contention that does them no good at all . this consideration that sometimes prevails with women , and chiefly a nights when they cannot sleep , had its desired effect upon our lady , in so much that resigning her self up purely to the conduct of nature , she awaked her husband as soon as it was day , designing to ascribe all past disorders to a strange power , which was neither natural nor human. i know , said she , in the lucid interval i enjoy at present , that our spirits did not surrender themseves at the command of the irish-man ; and if you believe me , my dear , but too unhappy husband , we will return and ask him for a stronger and more effectual charm. the poor husband oppressed with grief , as he was , and fainting under the severity of his destiny , judge if he were not very glad to find so unexpected a calm , and tenderly affected with this amorous return of his spouses submission : let us bemoan , my dear , says he to her , let us bemoan our common misfortunes , and go a second time to search a remedy , which the first could not give us . the wife was agreably surprised at this discourse ; for instead of a troublesome demon whose insults she expected , she happily found a man tender and compassionate , who gave her comfort for the evil she had done him . they spent an hour or two in inspiring one another with a mutual confidence , and after having placed all their hopes in the vertue of the physician ; they returned to the house of monsieur de comminges , in order to seek a more powerful releif , than that which they had experienc'd before . scarce were they entered into the house , but the irish-man perceived them , and calling them pretty loud that he might be heard of all the company , come , says he to them , and publish the wonders which are effected in you , and make an acknowledgment to that all puissant virtue , which has delivered you from that miserable slavery under which ye groaned . the wife immediately replied without consulting , that instead of the testimony he demanded , they were ready to give him a very fine one of the obstinacy of the devils , and not of his skill . for in truth , venerable father , added she , since your fine operation they have tormented us , as it were out of spite , more violently than ever . you are incredulous ( cried out the good irish-man in a wonderful passion , ) or at least ungrateful , who maliciously deny those benefits ye have received . approach hither , approach ; that i may convict you both of incredulity , or malice . when they were come near , he nicely examined all the lines of their faces . he particularly observed their looks , and as if he had discovered in the apple of their eyes some impression of these spirits ; ye are in the right , says he , all amaz'd , ye are in the right , they are not yet dislodg'd . they were too deeply rooted in your bodies , but they shall hold fast indeed , if i don't turn them out by the virtue of a few words i am going to pronounce . leave , curst race , an habitation of repose too sweet for you , and go and rave for ever in places where dwell horrour , madness , and despair . 't is done , my friends , ye are most certainly delivered : but return no more , i intreat ye . i owe my time to all the world , and ye have had as much of it as ye ought to have . now our patients supposed themselves at the end of all their misfortunes : this day seemed to them as it were the first of their marriage , and the night was expected with the same impatience , as that of their nuptials had been formerly . this night so much desired came , but alas ! how ill did it answer their desires ? too much love causes the shame of lovers , and i leave to the imagination of the reader the great confusion of an adventure . where excess of desire , does extinguish the fire . 't was happy for the husband , that the wife accused the devils that were innocent ; but our physitian , somuch celebrated abroad , was no more in her esteem than a poor irish-man , who had not skill enough to conjure down an ignis fatuus . sometimes she imputed to her self this non-performance of her husband , after the examples of the spanish women , who attribute to themselves , in these occasions , the failings of their lovers , in regard of a perswasion they have , that the force of their charms ought neither to submit to the infirmity of nature , nor to the power of witch-craft . thus the wife , who accused the husband in every thing else , when he was most innocent , justifies him when he was most deficient in family-duties , choosing rather to impute a want of love in him , to a want of charms in her self , than to impute it to a real defect , which would prove eternally destructive of her pleasures . but as a lady doth not willingly entertain a thought that hurts the interest of her beauty ; she immediately recalled in her mind the malice of the devils , and turn'd her confusion into anger against the irish man , who had not been expert enough to cure them . it is a long time , said she blunty , and as if she had been inspir'd , it is a long time since the simplicity of the irish man has amus'd us , and i know very well , that we shall expect in vain our deliverance from him . but it is not enough to be undeceived ; justice obliges us to undeceive others as well as our selves , and to make known to the world , the vanity of these quacks . sweet-heart , replyed the husband , 't is undoubtedly true , that the misfortune of this night is the pure malice of our devils . the irishman had a mind to laugh at them , but they were resolved to ridicule him and us in their turn . you know me , and i know my self ; such a strange impotence cou'd not naturally happen , and behold how strangely conjuration has prevail'd upon us . as for the rest , sweet-heart , when you shall make your reproaches to this fine physician , take care that you descend not to any particulars of this nature ; and that you let nothing slip , i beseech you , which may tend to our shame . all family secrets ought to be concealed : but this in a more particular manner than any other . the wife was ready to be offended upon seeing her self suspected of such an indiscretion : but not to embroil things anew , that were tending to a good accommodation , she promis'd so to manage her self , that the irish man alone should find fault with her proceeding . we usually seek the night to conceal our shame , but the day here appeared to disperse it ; and these unhappy persons , who were not yet well recovered of their misfortune , got up with the sun , who enlivens all things , in hopes of a better success for the time to come . they rose out of their bed with more tranquillity , than they had remained there , and after a small break-fast and a little conversation to fortify their bodies , and reconcile their minds , they went in peace and good union towards the house , where they had been twice with confidence , and from whence they had twice returned without any relief . they received advice there , that the irish-man was gone to st. iames's to perform some wonders there , at the instance of monsieur d' aubigny . it was the same monsieur d' aubigny so well known of all the world , for the most agreeable man that ever was . behold then some of the prodigies which i remarked at st. iames's with less credulity than the multitude , and less prejudice than monsieur d' aubigny . already did the blind suppose they saw that light they did not see ; already did the deaf imagine they heard , and heard not ; the lame already thought they were grown well , and the impotent resumed in imagination the first use of all their members . a strong idea of health had made the sick forget their distempers ; and imagination which was no less active in the curious , than in the sick , gave the first , a false prospect out of a desire of seeing , as it did a false cure to the second , out of a desire of being cured . such was the power of the irish-man upon our minds : such was the force of our minds upon our senses . thus nothing was the subject , but prodigies ; and these prodigies came from so great an authority , that the astonished multitude receiv'd them with submission , whilst some more knowing persons durst not reject them by their knowledge . a timerous and slavish knowledge always pays respect to an imperious and authoriz'd errour : the soul was feeble , where the understanding was sound ; and they , who saw best in their imaginary cures , were afraid to declare their real sentiments amongst a prejudiced and inchanted people . such was the triumph of the irish-man , when our couple couragiously broke through the crowd in order to come and insult over him in all his majesty . art not thou ashamed , said the wife to him , to abuse the simple and credulous people as thou dost , by the ostentation of a power , which thou never didst enjoy ? thou hast directed our devils to leave us in repose , and they have only tormented us the more . thou hast commanded them to go out , and they persist to remain notwithstanding thy orders , equally deriding our sottish credulity , and thy ineffectual impotence . the husband continued the same reproaches with the same contempt , so far as to refuse him the name of impostor , because there was need of capacity , said he , for an impostor , and this miserable wretch had none . the physician lost his speech in losing the authority which made him venerable ; and this formidable power , establish'd only in a superstitious subjection of spirits , came to nothing , so soon as there appeared persons bold enough to disown it ; surpriz'd , nonplust , confounded , he withdrew , and went out at the back-door . his confusion extreamly mortified the assembly ; there being nothing that the mind of man receives with so much satisfaction , as the opinion of miraculous things , nor leaves with more difficulty and concern . as for monsieur d' aubigny , he soon plac'd this physician in the rank of others , whom he had tryed ; being resolved for the future to keep to those of the country , without an ambition to make use of new comers , meerly because they were strangers . all the company retired , ashamed of their easiness to be abus'd , and yet vexed at the loss of their error . our married couple , glorious and triumphant , enjoyed the pleasures of victory , without any further thoughts of the devils ; and monsieur d' aubigny , who passed from one opinion to another , with an incredible facility , quitted his former belief of our miracle-monger , to give himself the pleasure of laughing with me , at what had happen'd . at my breaking out into a sudden fit of laughter , the husband turned his head towards us , and perceiving mr. d' aubigny , he came civilly to excuse himself for what he had done at his house , without asking his permission . mr. d' aubigny replyed to him very civilly , giving him thanks not only for having disabused the publick , but also for having undeceiv'd himself in particular . the wife immediately took her part in the conversation , which did not render it less agreeable ; for altho' she was really extravagant , yet it was a sort of extravagance which did not proceed so much from her mind , as from her humour : but now she took care to conceal it ; and we talk'd of nothing but mirth and pleasantry , when mr. d' aubigny entertain'd them with the the gravest discourse in the world , which i little expected . i am a person of an acknowledging temper , said he to them , and i should be ungrateful , if i did not draw you from your error , after the obligation i am under to you for having drawn me from mine . is it possible that ye should have devils in reality ? as if it was not enough for your own minds to torment ye , and that there must be something else , besides a long marriage , to afford ye that trouble , which has harrassed you this pretty while . there is no man , but is sometimes at a loss with himself . the wisest are weary of themselves after they have been weary of others . and would ye have a husband and wife , who are almost always of different minds , and different humours , be able to live eternally together without disgust , without offence , and without disputes ? believe me , sir , of a hundred married couple , fourscore and ten at least are possessed , after your fashion , but without any intervening of the devil . the only difference i find between you is , that they suffer their misfortunes with patience , and conceal them with discretion , whereas you importune heaven and hell for yours , in accusing demons that are innocent of your unhappiness , and in going to seek a supernatural assistance when there is no occasion for it . that which was a great prodigy , was the alteration of the mind of the husband and wife upon the discourse of mr. d' aubigny ; they look'd upon themselves with astonishment , asham'd of having been their own devils , and to find nothing of possession , but the contrariety of their humours . the husband was the first who returned from his confusion to give a thousand thanks to mr. d'aubigny , for having given them the true knowledge of their misfortune . but , replyed the wife , doth this knowledge make us e're the less unhappy ? and have we not as much need of a remedy against the torment of marriage , as we supposed we had against that of the devils ? when i observed mr. d' aubigny just ready to say something pleasant upon a subject that was sufficiently so ; i had a mind to preserve to him the merit of a gravity , which was not ordinary with him . whereupon i immediately took up the discourse . of all the remedies one can seek against a troublesome marriage , i know none , said i to them , more sure , nor more wisely practised , than that of believing ones self more happy than others ; and to remain in this error , in case one is mistaken in it , you will like an english proverb , better than all the reasons i can alledge to you . he that lives in this world without being deceived , is an unhappy man. to see , sirs , how far the pleasure of deceit goes , the greatest of your enemies makes himself agreeable , when he imposes upon ye ; and the best of your friends seldom undeceive ye , but you are offended at it . monsieur d' aubigny , weary of his gravity , was now minded to end the conference ; and after the usual civilities at parting , every one returned to his home , extreamly well satisfied . mr. d' aubigny had afterwards a very particular conference with the woman , and in spite of the rules of marriage , she told him all that happen'd during their imaginary possession . a letter to monsieur d'olonne . by the same hand . as soon as i heard of your disgrace , i gave my self the honour of writeing to you , in order to testify my great concern for you ; and i write to you at present to let you know that you ought at least to avoid so troublesome a companion as melancholy is , at a time when it is not in your power to relish any joy . if such valuable commodities , as men of good sense are to be had in the place where you are , their conversation may in some manner repair the loss of the correspondences you have quitted . and if you find none there , books and good chear may be a great assistance to you , and give no ordinary consolation . i speak to you like a master that designs to prescribe lessons : not that i presume much upon the force of my reasoning , but i fancy i have some right to assume an authority over persons that are unfortunate , by the long experience i have had of misfortunes and unhappy revolutions . amongst the books you are to choose for your entertainment in the country , apply your self principally to those that strike in with your humour by their agreements , rather than those that pretend to fortify your mind by arguments and reasons . the last engage with your distemper , which is always done at the expence of the person , in whom this troublesome scene is acted ; the first makes it to be forgotten , and it is no hard matter to make a sentiment of joy succeed to an obliterated grief . systems of morality are only proper to set the conscience in good order , and retrieve it from confusion ; and i have seen several grave and composed men come out of its school , who were not over-stocked with the rules of a prudent behaviour . your true men of sense need not hunt books to read these lessons , but only to make lessons for themselves ; for as they know what 's good by the singular exactness of their taste , so they are disposed to it by their own voluntary motion . not but that there are certain occasions , wherein such assistances are not to be rejected ; but where it is a man's fortune to have need of its aid , he may easily deliver himself from these perplexities . if you were reduced to the necessity of having your veins opened , i would permit you to read seneca , and to imitate him : yet would i choose rather to fall into the carelessness of petronius , than to study for a constancy which is not obtain'd without a great deal of difficulty . if you were of a humour to devote your self for your country ; i would advise you to read nothing else but the lives of those romans , who courted a glorious death for the good of their nation : but considering your present circumstances , i think you lie under an obligation to live for your self , and to spend the remainder of your life as agreeably as you can . now things being in this scituation , leave off all study of wisdom , which doth not contribute to the lessening of your troubles , or to the regaining of your pleasures . you will seek for constancy in seneca , and you will find nothing in him but severity . plutarch will be less troublesome , however he will make you grave and serious , rather than sedate . montagne will instruct you better in what relates to man , than any other . but after all , this rational tool , this man with all his mighty stock of knowledge , which is usefull indeed in good fortune to teach him moderation , has nothing but sad and afflicting thoughts , which serve to deject him in the bad . let not the unhappy then seek in books to be disturbed at our miseries , but to rejoyce at our follies . for this reason you will prefer the reading of lucian , petronius , and don quixot , before that of seneca , plutarch , and montagne . but i recommend to you don quixot above all . what pressure soe're of affliction you have , the fineness of his ridicule will insensibly conduct you to the taste of joy. you will tell me perhaps , that i am not of so pleasant and easie a humour in my own misfortunes , as i appear to be in yours ; and that it is indecent for a man to afford all his concern to his own unhappiness , when at the same time he preserves an indifference , nay , and even a gayety for the misfortune of his friends . i should agree with you in that respect , if i behaved my self so : but i can affirm to you with reality , that i am not less concerned at your exile than your self ; and the joy which i advise you to , is in order to have a share of it my self , when i shall see you capable of receiving any . as for what relates to my misfortunes , if i have formerly appeared to you more afflicted under them , than i seem to you at present , it is not that i was so in effect . i was of opinion that disgraces exacted from us the decorum of a melancholy air ; and that this apparent mortification was a respect we owe to the will of superiors , who seldom think fit to punish us without a design to afflict us . but then you are to know , that under this sad out-side and mortified countenance , i gave my self all the satisfaction i could find in my self ; and all the pleasure i could take in the correspondence of my friends . after having found the vanity of that grave temper we learn from morality , i should be ridiculous my self , if i continued so serious a discourse ; upon this score i shall quit the subject , and give you some counsels that shall be less troublesome , than instructions . adapt , as much as possibly you can , your palate and appetite to your health ; 't is a great secret to be able to reconcile the agreeable and the necessary in two things , which have been almost always repugnant and opposite . yet after all , to arrive to this great secret , or mistery , we want nothing but sobriety and judgment ; and what ought not a sensible man to do , that he may learn to chuse those delicious dishes at his meals , which will keep both his mind and body in a good disposition all the remainder of the day ? a man may be sober without being delicate ; but he can never be delicate without being sober . happy is the person that enjoys both these qualities together ! he doth not separate his diet from his pleasure . spare no cost to obtain the wines of champagne , were you leagues from paris . those of burgundy have lost all their credit with men of good taste , and scarce do they preserve a small remainder of their old reputation with the merchants . there is no province that affords excellent wines for all seasons , but champagne . it furnishes us with the wine of ay , avenet , douillé till spring ; tessy , sellery for the rest of the year . if you demand of me which of all these wines i prefer , without falling into the several tastes , which are introduced by those who have a false sense of delicacy ; i will affirm to you that the good wine of ay is the most natural of all wines , the most wholsome , the most extracted from all terrene smell , and of the most exquisite agreeableness , in regard of its peach-taste which is peculiar to it , and is in my opinion , the chief of all tastes . l. x. c. v. f. i. and h. viii . had each of them their several houses in ay , in order to the more curious making of their wines . amongst the greatest affairs of the world , which those princes were concerned to disentangle , it was not the least of their cares to have some of the wine of ay. express but little curiosity for extraordinary dishes , and show much choice in what may be obtained with convenience . a good wholsome , natural pottage , which is neither too high nor too little seasoned , nor too much jelly is to be preferred for common use before all others , as well for the exactness of its taste , as for the advantage of its use . mutton tender and juicy , good sucking veal , white and curious ; your barn-door fowls , your fat quail taken in the country , your pheasant , partridge , and rabbet , all which have an agreeable savour in their taste , are the true meats which are able to furnish your table all the different seasons of the year . your wood-hen particularly , is estimable for its excellency , but is not to be sought after where you are , or where i am , because of its great rarity . if an indispensible necessity obliges you to dine with some of your neighbours , who shall have excused themselves from the arrier-ban either by their money , or their address , you may commend the hare , the stag , the roe-buck , the wild-boar , but eat none of them : let dogs , and nets partake of the same praises . of all black-meats , the snipe alone is to be commended , in favour of its taste , though it is somewhat prejudicial to health . let all mixtures and kitchin-compositions , called ragoo's , or out-works , pass with you for a sort of poison . if you eat but a little of them , they will do you but a little harm ; if you eat a great deal , it 's impossible but their pepper , their vinegar , and their onions must ruine your taste at last , and soon cause an alteration in your health . your sauces , if you make them as simple and plain as is possible , can do no great harm . salt and orange are the most general and most natural seasonings . fine herbs are wholsomer , and have something in them more exquisite than spices ; but they are not equally proper in all things . one must employ them with judgment in meats where they are most agreeable ; and distribute them with so much discretion , that they may improve the proper taste of the meat , without making their own discerned . after having discoursed to you of the quality of wines , and the condition of meats , 't is necessary to come to the most proper counsel for the agreement of taste and health . let nature incite you to drink and eat by a secret disposition , which is lightly perceived , and doth not press you to it through necessity . where there is no appitite , the most wholesome nourishment is capable of hurting us , and the most agreeable of disgusting us . where there is hunger , the necessity of eating is an evil which causes another after the meal is over , by having forced a man to an excess of eating . the appetite prepares , if i may so speak , an exercise for our heat in the digestion : whereas greediness prepares labour and pains for it . the way to keep us always in an agreeable disposition , is to suffer neither too much emptiness , nor too much repletion ; to the end that nature may never have wherewithal to fill it self greedily with what it wants , nor to ease it self with eagerness of its oppression . behold all the counsels that my experience has been able to furnish me with , in relation to reading and good chear ; i will not end without giving you a word or two concerning love. if you have a mistress at paris , forget her as soon as possibly you can ; for she will not fail to change , and it is good to prevent the unfaithful . a person aimable at court will be lov'd there , and where she is loved , she loves to the end . they who preserve a passion for persons that are absent , raise but little in those who see them ; and the continuance of their loves for the absent is less an honour to their constancy , than a scandal to their beauty . thus , sir , whether your mistress lov's another , or whether she loves you still , good sense ought to make you leave her as deceitful , or contemned . nevertheless , in case you live to see an end of your disgrace , you ought not to put an end to your love ; so short an absence excites passions , whereas a long one destroys them . what way soever your mind turns , give not a new weight to it by the ponderousness of too serious things . disgrace carries but too much heaviness along with it . do in your exile , what petronius did at his death . amove res serias , quibus gravitas , & constantiae gloria peti solet . tibi , ut illi , levia carmina , & faciles versus . there are some whose misfortunes , have rendered them devout by a certain compassion , and a secret pitty , which a man is apt to entertain for himself , proper enough to dispose men to a more religious life . never did my disgraces give me this sort of compassion . nature has not made me sensible enough of my own misfortunes . the loss of my friends might be able to excite in me those tender sorrows , and those nice afflictions , out of which the sentiments of devotions are formed in process of time . i will never advise any one to resist that devotion , which is formed out of compassion , nor that which gives us an assurance . both the one and 'tother agreeably touch the soul , and confirm the mind in a sweet repose ; but all men , and particularly the unhappy , ought to defend themselves with care from a superstitious devotion , least it should mingle its blackness with that of their misfortune . of the pleasure that women take in their beauty . by mr. brown . there is nothing so natural to persons of the fair sex , as to take a pleasure in their own beauty . they please themselves as much as 't is possible for others to please them , and are the first that discover their own charms , and fall in love with them . but the motions of this self-love are so sweet and so pleasing , that they are scarce sensible ; for self-love only flatters ; but love of another nature , when it comes to visit us , makes us feel it with a vengeance . this first sort of love is congenial to all women , it is naturally formed in them , and has themselves only for its object . the second comes from without , and is either caused by a secret sympathy , or by the violence of an amorous impression . the one is a good that only occasions pleasure , but yet it is always a good , and lasts as long as their beauty does . the other is capable of touching them more sensibly , but is more subject to change and alteration . to this advantage of duration , which the pleasure that the ladies take in their beauty , has above the influence of an amour , we may add the following one , viz. that a beautiful woman is more concerned to preserve her beauty than her lover ; and shews less tenderness for a heart already vanquish'd , than she expresses vanity and ostentation , in extending her conquests . not but that she may very well be allowed to be sensible for her gallant ; but in all probability , she will sooner resolve to suffer the loss of what she loves , than lose and ruine what causes her to be beloved . there is a certain sort of a pleasure , tho' 't is in a manner impossible truly to describe it , which we feel in deploring the death of one we love . our love supplies the place of a lover in the reign of grief ; and thence proceeds that affection to this mourning which has its charms . cease , thyrsis , cease , by an ill tim'd relief , to rob me of my best companion , grief . sorrow to me all lovely does appear , it fills the place of what i held so dear . but 't is not so with the loss of beauty . this loss is a full consummation of all other calamities ; it cruelly robbs the ladies of the hopes of ever receiving any pleasure as long as they live . as long as a woman is in full possession of her beauty , no misfortune can befall her , which she cannot in some measure alleviate . but when once that blessing has left her , all the other advantages of fortune will never be able to give her any tolerable satisfaction . where-ever she goes , the remembrance of what she has lost , or the consideration of whashe is at present , will give her a thou sand uneasinesses . in such a case , her best remedy will be to employ all her discretion to make her self easie under that unfortunate condition . but alass ! what an unpalatable remedy is it for a woman , who has once been adored , to abandon so dear a vanity , and come back to her reason . 't is a new and mortifying experiment this , after a person has been used to entertain her self with such agreeable thoughts . the last tears that beautiful eyes reserve , are spent in bewailing themselves , after they are effaced out of all hearts . the only person that still laments a lost beauty , is the miserable possessor . one of our best poets , endeavouring to comfort a great queen for the loss of her royal spouse , would make her asham'd of the extravagance of her affection , by citing to her the example of a certain princess in despair , who so wholly abandon'd her self to this weakness , that she reproached the stars , and accused the gods for the loss of her husband . boldly she charges every power above . ( so much her reason's govern'd by her love. ) with all that fruitful anger can inspire , when grief indulg'd , renews the glowing fire . but finding that the horrour of impiety was not strong enough to make any impression on a mind so disordered by grief ; for his last and concluding reason , he represents to her that it was her interest to be sedate , as if he had no better a remedy against this excess , but to put her in mind of the great injury it did her beauty . those charming locks the rudest hands would spare , and yet they suffer by your own despair . alass ! what crimes have those fair tresses done ? think what a train of conquests they have won . is grief so cruel , or your rage so blind , that to your self you must be thus unkind ? he excused the ladies for paying some tribute to their sorrow , but he never pardons them the sin of making themselves less amiable . this is a transgression that he imagins will easily create an horror in them , without urging any farther considerations . it had been mere impertinence to endeavour to reduce them by reason ; but to set before their eyes the interest of their beauty , was the strongest argument he could think of to oppose to the obstinacy of their grief , and he knew nothing beyond that , which was capable to reform this extravagance . that we may fully know how far the ladies are devoted to their beauty , let us consider the most retired and solitary amongst them . there are some in that station who have renounced all pleasures ; who are weaned from the interests of the world ; who endeavour to please no body , and whom no body pleases . but amidst all this coldness and indifference for every thing else , they secretly flattor themselves , to see they are still agreeable enough . there are others that abandon themselves to sorts of austerities ; yet if they accidentally happen to see themselves in a glass , you shall hear them sigh , to behold so melancholly an alteration . they do every thing that helps to disfigure their faces with all imaginable readiness , but can't endure the sight of them when they are once disfigured . nature that can consent to destroy herself out of love to god , secretly opposes it self to the least change of beauty , out of a principle of self-love that never dies with us . let a fair person retire into what place she pleases , let her condition be what it will , yet her charms and features are still dear to her . they will be dear to her even in the time of sickness , and if her sickness goes as far as death , the last sigh that passes from her is more for the loss of her beauty , than for that of her life . a letter to monsieur the count de b. r. by the same hand . you ask me what i have been doing in the country , and since the place cou'd not furnish me with agreeable conversations , whether i did not take great pleasure to entertain my self in contemplation . i will tell you then without affection , that i endeavour to divert my self as much as possible , where i am . every country has its rarities , which we learn not without satisfaction ; and the most savage places have their pleasures , if we are in a capacity to use them . it cannot otherwife happen , but that every thing must displease me , whenever i begin , i employ my self in meditation ; for to speak soberly upon the matter , we never fail to be tiresome to our selves , in too long and too serious a commerce with our own thoughts . solitude has this peculiar to its self , that it imprints upon us i don't know what sort of a mournful air , barely with thinking upon the wretchedness of our state. oh strange condition of man ! if he intends to live happy , he must make but few reflections upon life ; nay he must often depart as it were , from himself , and amidst the pleasures which exteriour objects furnish him with , steal from the knowledge of his own miseries . divertisements have their name for the diversion they give us from tiresome objects , to those that are pleasant and agreeable . which sufficiently shows how difficult a matter it is to overcome the hard-ships of our condition by any force of mind ; but that a man may turn them away from him by dexterity and address . in effect , chuse the firmest soul upon earth ; can she digest without regret the knowledge of what we are , and of what we shall one day be ? as for my part , i believe it is almost impossible ; but tho' by a long habitude and solid reasoning , we may arrive to such a pass , as to look indifferently upon all troublesome objects whatever ; yet they will at least give us an austere humour , far from any sentiments of pleasure , nay from the very idea of joy . 't is the distinguishing character of god alone , that he can view himself , and there find perfect felicity and repose . we can scarce cast our eyes upon our selves , but we there discover a thousand defects , which obliges us to seek elsewhere that which is wanting in us . glory , reputation , and fortune , are a mighty relief against the rigours of nature , and the miseries of life . thus we had wisdom given us for no other end , but only to regulate these goods , and to direct our conduct ; but let our stock be never so great , we shall find it stands us in small stead , when we are alarm'd with the pains and approaches of death . i know there are several persons who prepare themselves against it by solid judicious reflections , and by designs well concerted : but it generally so happens , that the extremity of pain dashes all these fine resolutions to pieces ; that a feavour throws them into a delirium , or that by doing every thing out of season , they are strangely fond of life , when they ought to take up a resolution of quitting it these empty pretenders , so vain and high flying , that preach up a constancy without relenting , resemble the fop , who as he lay dying , begg'd his maker to give him three years to repent in . all the circumstances of death regard only those that remain behind . the weakness , the resolution , the tears , the indifference , all is equal at the last moment ; and 't is very ridiculous to imagine that this ought to be considered as a great matter by those , who are going to be nothing themselves . there is nothing that can effectually conquer the horrour of this dissolution , but a firm perswasion of another life ; we must put on a spirit of confidence , and place our selves in such a scituation , as to hope every thing , and fear nothing . in truth , 't is impossible not to make some reflections upon a thing so natural ; nay , a man must be guilty of a strange effeminacy not to dare to think of it . we may say the same thing of sadness , and indeed of all sorts of grief ; 't is a chimera for man to wish to disengage himself absolutely from them . i may add , they are sometimes lawful , and i think they may be reasonably used on certain occasions . an indifference is perfectly scandalous in some sort of misfortunes . a tenderness is justly paid to the calamities of a faithful friend ; but then we are to observe , that as greif ought to be rare , so it ought to be soon laid aside . after having observed the greatest part of people that hunt after their pleasures , i have found four sorts of them , and i am apt to perswade my self , that i know all their sentiments exactly : they are the sensual , the hasty or choleric , the voluptuous , and the delicate . the sensual apply themselves more grosly to that which is most natural ; and like other animals , follow their own simple appetites that which touches the voluptuous , makes an impression upon the senses , which reaches as far as the soul. i don't mean that intelligent soul , from whence proceeds the light of reason , but a soul more mixt , and interessed in the body ; which the passions cause to languish , and which may be tickled with all manner of pleasures . the choleric have a more lively sense , and a more violent soul ; sensible of impressions , and full of heat in all their movements . the mind has a greater share in the taste of the delicates , than in that of others . to these do we owe our inventions and refinements in luxury ; without them gallantry had been unknown ; musick harsh and rude , and our eating mean and ill ordered . to these are we indebted for the eruditus luxus of petronius , and all the exquisite discoveries , the politeness of our age has made . but it must be confest , that if these persons are ingenious in preparing pleasures for other men , they are fruitful in disgusts for themselves , and having too great an idea of the perfection of things , are over difficult to be pleased . i have made some observations too upon the objects that please us ; and methinks i have remark'd very particular differences in them . there are a slight sort of impressions , that if you 'l pardon the expression , only glance upon the soul , and employ it for the time upon agreable things , where it is fixed with complacency , without the least invention of care to disturb it . this we call agreeableness ; and it is conformable enough to the humour of the most virtuous persons , who mingle this sort of pleasure with their most serious occupations . i have observed another , which the ancients called mollities , a soft voluptuous impression , that flatters and tickles the senses , and diffuses it self deliciously all over the soul. from hence arises a certain laziness that insensibly robs the mind of its vivacity and vigour ; insomuch that being once charm'd with it , 't is a difficult matter to shake off so sweet a lethargy . offensive disagreeable subjects are felt after a manner quite opposite to this . they do violence to the senses ; the soul is wounded by them , and this proceeds so far as to give a disturbance and inquietude to the mind . but the highest degree of merit in objects , is that which is touching ; which penetrates even to the bottom of the heart , which raises the finest images in our minds , and moves us after the most tender manner imaginable . it is hard to speak of it well , and there is no expression but comes infinitely short of what those persons enjoy that are affected by it . these transports and deliquiums proceed from the want of proportion between the objects and the soul that receives the impression of them . whether it is , because not being able to contain our selves , we are as it were , carried out of our selves by a sort of ravishment , or that overwhelmed with excess of pleasure , we faint away under the weight of it . i should never have done , if i were minded to pursue all the differences that are to be found in so copious a subject . the best way is to chuse what we find most conformable to our taste , to our inclination , or to our genius . let gay persons search after diversion and joy ; let the indifferent content themselves with what is agreeable ; let the delicate refine upon the most curious things ; let passionate souls suffer themselves to be touched with tender objects , provided that reason banishes all disorder , and corrects the excess of them . this is all i had to say to you , upon the article of pleasure . it now remains , that i say something of a mind which is restored to it self , and enjoys a perfect degree of tranquillity . we are not always possessed by our passions ; and it is to be feared , that instead of tasting true liberty , a lazy , unactive scene of repose , may throw us into a state of wearisomness . however that time which a man renders tedious to himself by his sullen humour , is no less placed to his account , than the sweetest part of life ; and those melancholy hours , we desire to pass away with so much precipitation , do full as much contribute to fill up the measure of our days , as those that escape us with regret . i am not of their opinion , who spend their time in complaining of their condition , instead of thinking how to relieve and sweeten it . vnhappy knowledge , source of all our woes , destructive of our pleasure and repose ; why , when some dire mischance has been sustain'd , should the ungrateful image be retain'd ? must we to grief this slavish homage pay , as sigh our best , our dearest hours away ? or to improve the pressures of our doom , must we bewail the past , and fear the ills to come ? i freely leave these gentlemen to their murmurs , and take what care i can to extract some comfort from those very things they complain of : i endeavour to entertain my self with an agreeable remembrance of what is past ; and furnish my self with pleasant ideas of what is to come . if i am obliged to regret any thing , my regrets are rather sentiments of tenderness than of grief . if in order to avoid any evil , we must of necessity foresee it , my fore-sight never goes so far as fear . 't is my aim , that the knowledge of feeling nothing that troubles me , and the consideration to see my self free and master of my self , shou'd give me the spiritual pleasure of good epicurus . i mean that agreeable indolence , which is not , as the vulgar imagine , a state without grief , and without pleasure ; but the sentiments of a pure and delicate joy , which proceeds from a repose of conscience , and a serenity of mind . after all , whatsoever sweetness we find in our selves , let us take care to keep it there as long as we can . 't is an easie leap from these secret joys to inward griefs ; and there is no less good husbandry required in the enjoyment of our own proper goods , than in the use of those that are external . who does not know that the soul is tired to be always in the same posture , and that at long run , it would lose all its vigour , if it were not awaken'd by the passions ? in short , a man must make but very few reflections upon life , if he designs to pass it happily ; nay , he ought to use a quite different conduct . he must often steal as it were from himself , and amongst the pleasures that other objects give him , forget the knowledge of his own misfortunes . a letter to monsieur d. l. you left me yesterday in a conversation that insensibly became a furious dispute . there was every thing said that can be alledged pro or con , either for the disgrace or advantage of learning . it is not necessary to acquaint you with the parties ; you need only know they were both of them interested very much to maintain their own cause . b. having little obligation to nature for his genius ; and n. might say , without being ungrateful , that he ow'd his talent neither to arts nor sciences . the occasion of the dispute was this . some body happen'd to commend the great variety of madam g — 's knowledge : when n. all on the sudden rose from his chair , and taking off his hat with a scornful air. gentlemen , says he , if * madam g. had known no more than the customs of her own country , she had continued there still . to learn our language and customes ; to put her self in a condition of making a figure eight days in france , she has lost all that she had . see what good is come of her knowledge and fine learning , which you boast of so much . b. seeing such an injury done to madam g. whom he esteemed so highly ; and to learning in general which he has so great a value for , lost all manner of consideration ; and beginning his discourse with an oath . one must be very unjust , answers he , to impute to madam g. for a crime the noblest action of her life . as for your aversion to the sciences , i don't at all wonder at it ; this is not the first time that you have made merry with them . if you had read the most common histories , you would then be sensible , that her conduct is not without example . * c. v. is no less celebrated for the renouncing of his kingdoms , than for his conquests . did not dioclesian quit the empire , and sylla the dictatorial power ? but all these things are utterly unknown to you , and 't is down right madness to dispute with an ignorant . to conclude , where can you find me any extraordinary man , who was not a man of letters , and exquisite knowledge ? he began with monsieur the prince , and went on as far as caesar ; from caesar to alexander the great ; and god knows how far the matter had gone , if n. had not interrupted him with so much vehemence , that he was forced to hold his tongue . in troth , says he , you do mighty feats here with your caesars , and alexanders . for my part , i don't know whether they were learned or unlearned , it does not signifie a farthing : but this i am sure of , that ever since i knew the world , no gentlemen were oblig'd to study , but only those that were designed for the church ; and now for the generality of them , they content themselves with the latin of the breviary . as for those that are designed for the court , or for the army , they go fairly and honestly to an academy . there they learn to ride the great horse , to dance , to handle their arms , to play upon the lute , to vault . then comes a little spice of the mathematicks , and that 's all . we have in france several thousand souldiers , and all of them men of honour . by this means , such and such gentlemen i could name to you , if i were minded , made their fortune . latin ! i thank mystars for 't , ever since i was born , latin has been thought scandalous for a gentleman . i know the great qualities of monsieur the prince , an am his humble servant . but i must tell you , there was a certain person of quality that knew how to maintain his credit in the provinces , and his interest at court , yet was not able to read ; with the devil a word of latin , but only good french on his side . it happen'd luckily for n. that his adversary had the gout ; otherwise he had revenged the quarrel of latin with something more effectual , than meer blustering and big words . at last the contest was renewed a fresh . the former being resolved to dye a martyr for his opinion , and the other still maintaining the cause of ignorance with great ardour and resolution . when a charitable father who chanced to be in the room , interposed to accommodate the difference ; being ravished to meet so favourable an opportunity to show his wit and learning . he cough'd thrice very methodically , and then turning himself towards the doctor , he thrice sneer'd ( as your men of the world use to do ) at our pleasant ignoramus . when he thought he had composed his countenance well enough , digitis gubernantibus vocem , he spoke after this manner . i must tell you , gentlemen , i must tell you , that learning adds to the beauty of nature ; and likewise that a natural genius gives a grace to learning . a genius of it self , without rule and art , is like a torrent that pours down irregularly : and knowledge without a natural talent , resembles those dry and barren fields that are so disagreeable to the sight . now , gentlemen , the business is how to reconcile what you have so unadvisedly divided , to re-establish an vnion where you have made a divorce . learning is nothing in the world , but a perfect knowledge , and art is nothing but a rule that directs nature . and wou'd you , sir , addressing himself to n. be ignorant of the things you speak of , and value your self only upon your natural force , which is irregular and far from perfection ? and you mr. b. will you renounce the natural beauty of the mind , to render your self a slave to troublesome precepts , and borrow'd knowledge ? come , come , replies n. very briskly , let us make an end of this discourse ; i wou'd rather bear with his knowledge than with the great harangue you have made us here . at least he is laconic , and i understand you no better than i do him . the good man , who was not of an irreconcileable nature , soon suffer'd himself to be sweetned ; and to quit scores with n. prefer'd his agreeable ignorance to the magnificent words of the father . a letter to madam l. how violent soever my friendship is , it has left me force enough to write to you with less concern than i used to do . and to tell you the truth , i am somewhat ashamed to send you country sighs , which have neither the sweetness nor delicacy of those you hear . but let them be what they will , i must of necessity hazard them ; and endeavour to make you remember me at a time when all the world endeavours to make me be forgotten . i don't question but that the interview of your pious mother , and the rest of your godly family was accompanied with abundance of tears to be sure to such a mother's tears , you paid a civil and respectful return like a well-bred daughter . but then you know the world too well to exchange a real tenderness for the grief of hyppocrites , whose virtue is nothing else but a mere artifice to deprive you of those pleasures , which themselves regret . 't is enough you show'd your obedience once , and sacrificed your repose to a complaisance , which perhaps you did not owe her ; she is unjust , if after she has exacted so severe an obedience from you , she pretends to regulate your inclinations , and constrains the only thing she has left in your power . we love that which pleases us , and not what is barely permitted to us ; so that if you must demand leave of your parents , before you are suffer'd to love , so well am i acquainted with their humour , that i dare assure you , you 'l have but a little occaon to be accquainted with that passion , should you live as long as a sibill. but perhaps this discourse may seem very impertinent to you , and considering your present circumstances , i ought rather to be apprehensive of those persons that counsel you to love , than those that forbid it . perhaps you may follow the advice i give you , and laugh at the reprimands of your mother . how do i know but that this poor mother of yours , to whom i wish so much mischief , may be in my interests ; and that to stifle a growing friendship in its birth , she does not give you the liberty to love a person so remote from you . hitherto i have had all the reason in the world to commend your constancy and resolution ; but i doubt whether a meer idea will be able to dispute it long against a face , and memory against conversation . i have too great a concern upon me , to leave the advantage of being present with you any longer , to those gentlemen that daily behold you and within a few days ; no manner of business shall hinder me from throwing my self at your feet . while you are expecting that i should come and entertain you with my passion , remember how many thousand oaths you have sworn to love me , and only me as long as you live. another letter to the same person . you imagine , madam , that i hate you , and so far you are in the right on 't , that if you consult the reason i have to do so , you may well believe that i hate you most abominably . but then if you consider what a mighty power you have always had upon me , you conclude rightly enough , that it is not in my power to hate you ; and to my shame i acknowledge it , that i still love and doat upon you , after all the cruel injuries you have done men. the difference between your and my way of procedure is extraordinary enough ; you wish me ill because you have been obliged by me ; on the other hand i wish you all the prosperity in the world , in spite of the ill treatments i have received at your hands . for god sake , madam , pardon me the injuries you have done me ; forget what i have done for you , and you will remove all the occasion you have to hate me . let us therefore , if you please , begin a new sort of friendship , where neither reproach , nor justification , nor quarrels , nor reconcilements , shall have any thing to do . the only motive of my friendship is , because you are lovely in all respects ; that of yours ought to be the opinion you now have , or at least , i desire you to have , that i am an honest well meaning admirer of yours . excuse my vanity . the practice and custom of the gascons could not give me a less share of it , and provide i keep my self here without making further advances , you & i are sufficiently even with one another ; but i will by no means promise to imitate those people in all things , particularly where you have any manner of concern . a letter to madam o. i remember , madam , that as i went to the army , i begg'd of you to love the count of b. in case i should be so unfortunate as to meet my death there ; in which particular i have been so well obeyed , that you do not hate him at all during my life , to learn ( i suppose ) how to love him the better after my death . madam , you have punctually obeyed my orders , and should i continue to give you the same commission , in all appearance you would see it carefully executed . you may imagine , madam , that i design to hide a real grief under a pretended grievance ; and being so well acquainted with my passion , you cannot without difficulty perswade your self , that i suffer a rival without jealousy . but do you not know , madam , that if i dare not complain of you for obliging me to love you too much , i dare complain of him , for your loving him not much less . and if you must of necessity make me angry , teach me whom i am to be most angry with , either the person who goes to rob me of my mistress ; or you who steal my friend from me . let the matter be how it will , you need not give your self much trouble to appease my indignation . my passion is too violent , to allow the least interval to my resentments ; and my tenderness will always make me forget the injuries , i have received from you . i love you , tho' you are perfidious and faithless , and only fear that a sincere lover is none of the favourites of heaven . farewell , let us enter i beseech you , into a new unknown sort of confederacy , and by a strange mystery , let his , let your , and my friendship be only one and the same thing . a letter to madam d. d. i thought you had utterly forgot me , but by the most ingenious , and surprizing conduct i ever saw , you treat me as if you only now began to know me . upon my integrity i never saw such a civil letter in my life , and at the same time so very little obliging as yours . you have found out a way to treat me with so nice , so delicate an indifference , that i cannot complain of you without regret , nor commend you without the just imputation of sottishness . generosity , gratitude , and obligation are the least words in all your letter . it seems for my sake alone , you have been at the expence of learning all the terms that are used in complements , and have forgotten all those that express the real sentiments of amity and friendship . i must frankly own to you , madam , that you imitate your mother's stile perfectly well . at first sight , i thought i had received some mark or other of her ladiships good memory : besides this , madam , that miserable iargon of calamities , and misfortunes , and destinies , with which it is all along stuffed , don't agree with your humour , but seems to proceed from some person that labours under some very mysterious discomposure indeed . as for your self , who as far as i can hear , never made a false representation of affliction , how came you to pitch upon me , a gods name , to tell your stories , and frighten with a relation of the miserable fair one ! what am i good for nothing in the world , but to be the confident of your melancholy thoughts and studied sorrows ? as it is impossible for you , madam , to become so indifferent to me ; as to my cost i find i am to you , i was asking m. n. after you , who told me that you danced to'ther day from morning till night , and that one could not be more agreeably diverted , then you did the whole company . adieu , miserable person , perplexed with a long series of misfortunes , full of gratitude and acknowledgement to those , who to'ther day take any part in your miseries . adieu more tenderly , a thousand times , than ver you writ civilly to me . i conjure you to believe that you have not civility enough to discourage me ; and that i would rather chuse to be all my life time the confident of your misfortunes , than to have no manner of commerce with you at all . a letter to a. n. you are upon the point of making a very sorry gallant of a very good friend ; and i perceive that what i call'd satisfaction , when i was last with you , is now become insensibly some sort of a charm. i don't speak this to ridicule you : the very same person who put his malicious imagination so much upon the rack , now discovers in you such touching qualities , that they even make him disgust your first agreements . you always appeared very amiable to me ; but i now begin to feel with emotion , what i was used to see with pleasure . to speak plainly to you , i am afraid i am in love with you , if you will suffer me to love you : for at this present writing i am in such a condition , that i can let it alone , if you don 't like it . you must not expect from me any fine thoughts , or any pretty passions . i am wholly incapable of them , and freely leave them to the admirers of madam c. let the ruells make their profit of them : at least , permit madam de n. to define love by her own fancy ; and don't envy those vain , but miserable creatures , who in the ruines of their faces , value themselves upon their wit that still continues with them , at the expence of their beauty , that has deserted them . perhaps finding me so brutal as to despise these pretty notions , you imagine i may make an atonement for it some other way ; pray hearken how the case stands with me . i am indifferent in every thing ; and neither nature nor fortune have done any thing for me but what is common . as i scarce see , without envy , those people that are sumptuous and magnificent in their expences ; so i cannot without some displeasure , behold those that are too much given to their pleasures ; and if i durst use the expression , i hate in some measure the v's and the s's , because i cannot resemble them . my affairs go always in the same track ; i never permit my self to use any irregularity , and i stand in need of a little oeconomy to make things even at the years end , and pass a winter's night . not that i am reduced to the last necessity neither . but to explain my self honestly , my expense is small , and my revenue indifferent . behold now the condition of my affairs ; behold the circumstances of my fortune . tell me now whether with these qualities i may presume to set up for your lover , or whether i am still to continue your friend ? as for my self , i am resolved to take what part you assign me ; and if i pass from friendship to love without difficulty , i am able , with as little violence , to return from love to friendship back again . a letter to madam de n. i am injustly accused for having too great a complaisance for madam de mazarin . there is no person that she has greater reason to complain of , than my self . for six months together i was maliciously spying out something in her which might displease me but in spite ; of all my endeavours , i cou'd discover nothing there that was not too lovely , and too charming . an ill-natur'd curiosity made me examine every lineament of her face , with a design to meet either some irregularity there to disgust me , or some disagreements to render me less her adorer . but how unluckily did i succeed in my design ? every feature about her has a particular beauty , that does not in the least yeild to that of her eyes : and her eyes , by the consent of all the world , are the finest eyes in the universe . her teeth , her lips , her mouth , and all the graces that accompany it , are confounded amongst the great and different beauties of her face ; if we compare them to those pretty mouths , that are the greatest charms about those persons whom we most admire . they extinguish , and efface every thing which is but little distinguished in them ; and don 't give us leave to consider what is most remarkable in others . the malice of my curiosity did not stop here ; i proceeded to find out some defect in her shape ; and i found , i know not what graces of nature so happily and so liberally scattered in her person , that the charms of other persons only seem to be constraint and affectation . when madam de mazarin pleased me too much in her negligent air , i counsel'd her to have recourse to art , hoping that her ornaments and her dress wou'd not fail to ruine those natural agreements . but scarce had she drest her self , but i was forc'd to confess that i never saw in any person , so great and so noble an air as hers . my ill nature was not satisfied with all this ; i had a mind to see her in her chamber amongst her dogs , her squirrels , and her birds ; hoping that the disorder of her dress wou'd make her lose the majesty of that beauty that astonish'd us at court. but here it is that she is a hundred times more amiable ; here it is that a more natural charm gives us a disgust to all that art and industry can do ; here it is that the freedom of her wit and of her humour leave none to the person that beholds her . what cou'd the greatest of her enemies do more ? i wish'd some sickness might invade her to undermine her graces ; but alas we had more reason to complain than she had in her pains . her very pains have a charm that does us a greater mischief than she suffers by them . after i had waited some time to see what wou'd be the consequence of her indisposition , i endeavoured to raise her some enemies , or to be of the number of them my self : with this design i purposely contradict all she says ; i excite her anger by some dispute ; i imagine she wrongs me at play : i insinuate to my self all the circumstances of my oppression , to furnish me with a pretence for a real resentment . but alas ! to what purpose is all this troublesome industry ? her ill treatment pleases instead of provoking ; and her injuries , more charming than the caresses of others , have so many charms that they engage me to her will. i pass from her serious moments to those of her gayety ; i was willing to see her serious , out of hopes to find her less agreeable ; i was willing to see her more free , thinking to find her indiscreet . when she was serious , she made me admire her good sense ; when she was pleasant , she made me love her judgment . she knows as much as any man can know ; she conceals her knowledge with all the discretion that a reserved woman ought to have . she has some acquired learning , which upon no occasion betrays the study that was employ'd to acquire it . she has some happy thoughts that are as far from an affected art that displeases us , as from a natural excess that offends us . i have seen some ladies that have got themselves lovers by the advantage of their beauty , and lost them again through a defect of wit. i have seen others that have engaged us to them by being beautiful and witty together ; and discouraged us from a farther pursuit by their indiscretion , and want of good conduct . but in madam de mazarin , pass from her face to her wit ; from the qualities of her mind , to those of her soul , you will find that every thing attracts you , that every thing fastens and binds you , and that nothing can disengage you . we defend our selves from the triumphs of other ladies by our reason . 't is reason that either frees us , or else subjects us to its power . our love begins or ends our reason . here our love cannot end , unless we lose our reason . what i observe to be most extraordinary in madam de mazarin , is that she daily inspires new desires ; and that in the habitude of a continual commerce , she makes us feel all the tender sweetnesses of a growing passion . she is the only person of her sex , for whom one may be eternally constant ; and with whom one may enjoy every hour the diversion of inconstancy . we never change for her person : we change every moment for her attractions . one relishes in some manner , all that new , that lively joy which unfaithfulness in love makes us feel . sometimes her mouth is abandon'd for her eyes . sometimes we leave her eyes to gaze at her mouth . her cheeks , her nose , her eye-brows , her fore-head , nay , her ears ( so much pains has nature taken to make every thing perfect in this beautiful body ) her ears attract our inclinations in their turn , and make us taste the pleasure of change. to consider her features separately , one would say that there is a secret jealousie between them , and that they are still busied to attract lovers . to consider them in conjunction , and as they are united and joyn'd together , we see they form a beautv , that neither suffers inconstancy for it self , nor infidelity for others . a conversation of monsieur de st. evremont with monsieur d'a — by the following discourse it appears , that our author was not over much a friend of the jansenists , whom he consider'd as the recommenders of too austere a morality , to pass with the generality of mankind . i am en passant , to inform the reader , that in the french copy , the word jansenists is not writ out at length , but only the first letter : however , since 't is plain the author meant them ; whatever reasons he had , not to name them at large , the translator did not think himself obliged to follow that conduct . having one day recounted to monsieur d'a — the conversation which i had with father c. — it is not reasonable , says he to me , that you should find more freedom amongst the iansenists than amongst us . take the pains to hear me , and i dare be confident you 'll find me no less a man of honour , than the reverend father whom you mention'd to me . i must tell you that we have a world of ingenious men that take the part of the iansenists in their works ; of vain impertinent discoursers ; that to do themselves the honour of being thought iansenists , and raise continual disputes in all houses where they come ; of wise able men , that prudently manage both the one and the other . you will find amongst the first great learning , a faith well enough principled , oftentimes too much heat , and sometimes a little animosity . in the second class there is much obstinacy and fancy . the least usefull of them fortifie their party by their numbers ; and those that are considerable , give it some credit by their quality . as for the politicians they employ each of them their talent to govern the machine , by ways and resorts unknown to the particular people whom they set on work . those that write or preach upon grace , that handle this question which is so celebrated , and has been so often discussed . those that place the councils above the popes ; who oppose themselves to innocent their pastor ; who defeat the great pretensions of the court of rome , act with a góod faith , and are effectually perswaded of the truth of what they say . our directors are but little concerned for the different sentiments of the doctors . their aim is to set catholic against catholic , and church against church , to make a great party in the church , and a great faction in the state. they are for making a reformation in the convents , but don't think of reforming themselves ; they exalt penance to the skies but never practice it ; they recommend the eating of herbs to those people that have a mind to distinguish themselves from the rest of their brethren , by a few singularities ; but at the same time , they are so complaisant to their own bodies , as to eat every thing that persons of the best rank use to eat . after all , our politicians , such as i have described them , do the jansenists more service by their directions , than our writers do with all their books . 't is their sage and prudent conduct that supports us ; and if ever monsieur de g. b. monsieur de l. monsieur de c. monsieur de b. fail us , unless i am mightily mistaken , we shall find a great change amongst the iansenists . the reason is , because our opinions will hardly subsist of themselves . they commit an everlasting violence upon nature ; they take away from religion all that comforts us , and in the room of it , place fear , and grief , & despair . the iansenists , who by their good will , would make every man a saint , are scarce able to find out ten men in a kingdom , to make such christians as they would have . christianity without question is divine , but they are men still that receive it ; and whatever measures we take , we ought to accommodate our selves to human nature . too austere a philosophy makes few wise men ; too rigorous a government few good subjects ; too harsh a religion , few religious souls , i mean , that will long continue so . nothing is durable that is not suited to nature . grace it self , of which monsieur a — speaks so much , accomodates it self to it . god makes use of the docility of our minds , and the tenderness of our hearts , to cause himself to be receiv'd and lov'd by us . it is certain that your austere casuists cause a greater aversion to themselves , than to wickedness . the pennance they preach up , perswades the ignorant to prefer the ease they find in continuing to be wicked , to the difficulties in getting free from vice. the other extream appears equally vitious to me . i hate those sullen , melancholy spirits , that fancy there is sin in every thing ; no less do i hate those easie complaisant doctors that admit it no where ; that favour the irregularities of nature , by making themselves secret partisans of evil manners . in their hands the gospel allows us more indulgence than morality does ; and religion as it is managed by them , opposes all manner of crimes more feebly than reason . i respect virtuous intelligent persons , that judge soundly of our actions ; that seriously exhort to what is good , and disswade us , as much as in them lies , from what is wicked . i heartily wish that a just and nice discernment wonld make them know the real difference of things ; that they wou'd distinguish the effect of a passion from the execution of a design ; that they wou'd distinguish a vice from a crime , and pleasures from vices ; that they wou'd excuse our weaknesses and condemn our disorders ; that they would not confound light , simple , and natural appetites , with wicked and perverse inclinations . in a word , i am for a christian morality , neither too severe , nor too indulgent . of friendship . by another hand . the first friendship which arises in the world , is that which is formed in the bosom of families : the continual habitude of being always together , and of considering our selves as being of the same blood ; the same opinions in which we are brought up ; the conformity there is between us ; the communication of secrets of affairs , and interests : all these things contribute as much to its production , as nature it self : they consecrate at least the name of brother , sister , and the rest , as much as the tye of the same blood. for whatever is affirmed of certain natural inclinations , which a man feels at the meeting of those relations , who are as yet unknown to him ; it is certain that the examples thereof are either aggravated , or extraordinary ; and that we should use them like meer strangers , if we were not accustomed to consider our near relations , as our selves . this therefore is the first conjunction of our hearts . it were to be wished that this first friendship would continue during life ni the same condition , wherein we find it in our first years . but it decay's insensibly . in the first place , by the great number of persons whereof a family is compos'd : for it is a certain principle , that friendship cannot long subsist between several persons . besides , a man leaves his family in order to establish himself in the world. he enters by marriage into new alliances , or by the profession of a particular piety , he goes out of his family without having the pleasure of adopting another . thus he contracts on one side , in some sort , an obligation to forget his parents ; and on the other , a duty of loving new ones . what shall i say of the interest which so often divides families ? admit a regulation of all these things , yet a single separation , lessens something of the first affection . during this absence , a man insensibly contracts particular manners , whether for the the conduct of his life , or for his fortune , or in relation to the government of his family . the first bond of friendship is scarce of any further use afterwards , than to express it self a little more , than we would do , if they were our rrelations ; to have a little more curiosity in their respect , and to behave our selves with care enough not to appear inferiour in any point to others . not but that when there happens any essential occasion of being serviceable to them , we take a pride in not being wanting therein . thus this first friendship , which is tender in the first years , which admitts some degrees of relaxation in the succession of life , appears notwithstanding always strong , when any important interest is in agitatiou . and as for me , i believe that of all sorts of friendship this ought to be managed with most care. there is a second kind of friendship , which has also its perfections and imperfections , as well as the first we have spoken of . it is that , which is between a husband and wife , when they enter without constraint into the state of matrimony , and preserve a good intelligence on both sides . it has somewhat of that friendship which is between a superior and inferior ; since the laws have declared that women ought to consider their husbands as their masters ; and that the civility of men obliges them to receive marks of respect from their wives ; only to quit them immediatly , and to depend on them by their own choice , as they depend on their husbands by the laws and customs . when people live together after this decent manner , they maintain a continual commerce of esteem ; they taste all the delicacies of love ; they have the pleasure of loving , and of being belov'd , and even make a glory of this friendship . i am of opinion that it is this mixture of tenderness , this return of esteem , or , if you will , this mutual ardour to prepossess one another by obliging testimonies , wherein consists the sweetness of this second friendship . i speak not of other pleasures , which are not so much such in themselves , as in the assurance which they afford us of the perfect possession of those persons whom we love. which appears to me so true , that i am not afraid to affirm , that if a man were assured of meeting the perfect affection of a wife else where , he wou'd easily support himself under the loss of his spouse at home ; and that they ought not to enter into the order of friendship , but as tokens and proofs that it is without reserve . few persons , 't is true , are capable of the purity of these thoughts . thus a perfect friendship , is rerely observed in marriages , at least they seldom continue long . the object of gross passions is not able to support so noble a commerce as friendship . after it has produced it , and maintain'd for some time the shadow and resemblance of it , indifference , contempt and other new passions , soon arise to efface it . even the constraint one is under , always to keep the same society , lessens somewhat the value of perseverance . we lose by degrees , the assurance we had of being loved : we enter into suspicions , jealousies , and disquiets , and can hardly conceal them in the necessity we lye under of living eternally together . from thence arise mistrusts , complaints and quarrels . the children are at that time , the only bonds which retain man and wife in their duty . these are the pledges and fruits of their first affection : 't is an interest that binds them at the very moment , when their hearts incline to a separation . but when a man speaks of friendship , or hears it every day mention'd ; he is not to understand it either of this first , or second kind . it is of a species altogether particular . the world would have it only between two persons ; that it requires whole years to form it self ; that virtue alone is the foundation of it ; that it continues for ever ; that it is a perfect communication of all things : in a word , that there is made of these two persons a metamorphosis so general , that they mutually transform themselves into one another . authors triumph upon this portraiture . they even give it finer colours than i do . notwithstanding i believe i may without rashness assert , that these ingenious painters , who afford us such illustrious coppies of friendship , never saw the originals . in truth , 't is natural for us to take a pleasure in exaggerating matters ; and the first moment we begin a book , or a discourse , we forget that our heroes are but men , and that we speak to men . but a man must avoid likewise to take for friendship i know not how many correspondences he meets in the course of life , which certainly deserve not this glorious title . to partake together in some diversion , to be engaged sometimes in the same conversations ; to meet often at court , or in the city ; such kind of obligations cannot assure one of a solid friendship . all these things generally happen by pure chance ; and 't is fortune that produces these different occassions . what share can the heart enjoy herein , but the interest of some pleasure ? and can this interest beget a truly perfect friendship ? 't is true , we love persons that may be useful to us , or such as are pleasant and agreeable ; we are delighted to be where they are , and give them a favourable reception . we have also more particular regards for those that have the reputation of having great numbers of friends ; of being men of intrigue , and of being able to serve us upon occasion . for to speak agreeable things , and to be capable of doing useful ones , are two great steps towards an introduction into the most inaccessible hearts . but 't is no less true , that those persons whom we only know upon this bottom , should not put that friendship we entertain for them , to too strong proof . a man will hardly purchase the pleasure which the conversation of a wit affords ; and it is ordinary enough to refer to others , the care of serving a person , who doth nothing but divert us . if we make but a little reflection upon this , we shall observe that it is this sort of friendship , which as imperfect and as common as it is , doth not cease to form a civility , by which our conduct is regulated , and which is as it were the foundation of the publick peace . 't is that which instructs us how to live ; and this manner of living comprehends an infinite number of small inferior duties , without which all things would be in confusion . a friendship more exact is prodigious ; whose examples are so rare , that a man may easily compute them . the character of madam , the countess of d'olonne . by mr. brown . i don't expect to be more successful at your character , than our painters have been at your portraiture , where i may safely say , the best performers have lost their reputation . till now , we never beheld any beauties so finished , but they were obliged to these masters ; either for bestowing some new graces upon them , or else for concealing some of their defects . only you , madam , are above those arts , whose peculiar character it is to flatter and embellish . they never took the pencil to copy you without a shameful foil to their skill , and doing an infinite injustice to the original ; in short , without making so accomplished a person as your self lose as many advantages , as they usually give to those that possess them not . if you have not been much obliged to the painters , you are much less i am sure to the curiosity of your dress : you owe nothing either to the skill of other people , or to your own industry : and may safely rely upon nature for the care she takes of you . as there are very few persons upon whom negligence sits well , i would advise them not to depend too much upon it . to say the truth , the generality of our ladies are not pleasing any farther than their habits make them so . every thing they employ to set them off , conceals some defect . on the other hand , the more you take from your dress , the more graces you display ; and it is as much your interest to return to the primitive simplicity of nature , as it is for their advantage to keep at a distance from it . i will not amuse my self with any general praises , that are several ages old . the sun shall not furnish me with a comparison for your eyes ; nor the flowers for your complexion . i might speak of the regularity and delicacy of your face ; of the charms and agreeablenesses of your mouth ; of that neck so well turned and polished ; of those bewitching breasts ; but after a man has made the most curious observations , there are a thousand things may be thought of in you , which cannot be well discribed , and a thousand things better perceiv'd than comprehended . take my advice , madam , and don 't repose the care of your glory on any other person ; for certainly you are no where so well as you are in your self . appear in the midst of your portraitures and characters , and you will defeat all the images that 't is possible to frame of you . after having well admired you , what i find the most extraordinary is , that you have as it were heap'd together in your self , the several charms of different beauties . you are mistress of those graces that surprize , that please , that flatter , that forbid , and affect us . your character , properly speaking , is not a particular character ; 't is that of all the rest of your sex. one man maintains his heart against an imperious , that suffer'd himself to be conquer'd by a delicate beauty : delicacy gives disgust to another , who was proud to surrender his heart to his imperious mistress . you alone , madam , are the foible of all the world. the ravished lover finds in you an unexhaustible subject for his transports : passionate souls find their tenderness and languishments . different spirits , different humours , contrary temperaments , all contribute to the largeness of your empire . in this confusion , you cause the unhappiness of persons between both ages ; you trouble the repose of the most serene , and the reason of the most advised . those persons that were born neither to give nor to receive love , preserve the first of these qualities , and unhappily lose the other . from hence it proceeds , that there is some resemblance between the heat of your friends , and the passion of your lovers ; that 't is impossible to love you without interest , and that the judgment of the most simple spectators is never free . from hence in short , it proceeds , that every one commences a lover that sees you , except your self alone , who continue still insensible . i beg your pardon , madam . something wou'd be wanting to your glory , if you continued such an insensible all your life . once , and only once , you may quit this indifference . but to make you quit your resolution of never being in love , we ought to find out subjects worthy of you . if there be any such , madam , i don't doubt but that drawn by your charms , and disgusted by the defects of others , they will soon sigh for you ; and then you must remember that cruelty has bounds , and that what ever goes beyond them , is rudeness and insensibility . hitherto i have paid one part of the duty i owe your beauty , and 't is none of your least praises , that i have been able to praise you so long . at present , 't is but just i should have some consideration of my self ; and that in speaking of your wit and humour , i should indulge my self to talk of my own . i will deliver nothing but truths , and least you should imagine them to be disadvantageous to you , i will begin with the charms of your conversation , which are not in the least inferiour to those of your face . yes , madam , we are no less affected with hearing you , than with seeing you . you may inspire love even when you are veiled ; and may make france resemble spain , in being the scene of the adventures of the fair invisible . never was there more politeness than we find in your discourse ; and what is surprizing , nothing is so lively and yet so just ; things so happy and so well thought . and to crown all , a quick understanding , and a vivacity of sense equal that of your wit. but let us conclude these praises , the length whereof is always tiresom , tho' they be never so true ; and now , madam prepare to suffer patiently a recital of what i have found to blame in you . if you cannot , without difficulty , hear your defects : i am sure i could not without greater difficulty discover them . to find out any faults in you , i was obliged to make very profound enquiries , and after a long but narrow examination , behold what faults i have remark'd . i have often beheld you too respectful , and condescending to ordinary persons ; and submit your judgment to that of others who were inferiour to you . i am likewise of opinion , that you suffer your self too much to make new acquaintances . that which at first sight you have rightly judged to be gross and dull , has after some time appeared to you to be delicate without reason ; and when you come to rectify these errours , 't is rather by a return of your humour , than by the reflections of your mind . sometimes , madam by a contrary motion you think too much , and pass by the truth in debate ; so that the opinions you form , are rather more strongly imagin'd , than solidly conceiv'd . as for your actions , they are equally innocent and agreeable ; but as you may very well neglect those little formalities , that are in truth , but so many fetters of life , you must expect to meet the calumnies of sots , and the ill nature of those people whom your merit has made your enemies . those ladies , who are your professed enemies , have been constrained to own to us that you have received a thousand advantages from nature . there are some certain occasions when we are obliged to own to them , that they might be better managed , and that you don't always make the good use of them , as others in your station might do . i shall end all with the unequalities of your temper , of which you your self have made an agreeable representation . they are afflicting to those that suffer undet them ; as for my self i always find something mortifying in this scene ; and i see that when we most complain of any one's humour , 't is then when we must interest our selves in the person . however it is , the more we are oblig'd to take any advantage over you , we are apt to take it without measure ; we easily disoblige you without thinking of it ; nay the very design to please you has more than once made us so unfortunate as to displease you . believe me , madam , a man must be very happy to find out your good moments , and very just to make use of them . what we may truly say , after we have well examined you , is , that there is nothing so unfortunate as to fall in love with you , yet nothing so difficult as not to do it . behold , madam , the observations of a spectator , who to judge the more impartially of you , has endeavoured to continue free . the means he took to keep himself so , was to shun you as much as was possible for him . 't is not enough for one not to see you , after he has once beheld you ; and this remedy which is elsewhere infallible , does not carry an intire safety with it in relation to your self . perhaps you will tell me that a man , whose sentiments are somewhat tender , is not generally master of so rigorous a judgment . but altho' you shou'd give your self the trouble to tell me what displeases you , i shall scarce take the pains to undeceive my self ; a discernment which does not seem advantagious to you , cannot subsist but in your absence ; for to repeat what i have already told you , do but appear , madam , in the midst of your portraitures and characters , and you will soon efface all the images the most fruitful imagination can form of you . a letter to madam , the countess of d' olonne , and sent with the foregoing character . i have here sent you your character , which tells you the general sentiments of the world concerning you ; and which will inform you , if you never knew it before , that there is nothing so beautiful in all france as your self . don't be so rigorous to your own merits , as to deny your self that justice which all the world pays you . the greatest part of ladies suffer themselves to be easily perswaded , and receive these sweet errours with pleasure ; and it wou'd be very strange indeed if you cou'd not be prevailed upon to believe the truth . besides the publick opinion , you have the judgment of madam d'longueville on your side . submit to so authentic a testimony without further scruple , and since she believes it , believe your self to be the most charming creature that was ever beheld . from your beauty , madam , i pass to the mischiefs it has occasioned , and to the infinite numbers of those that daily languish and dye for you . 't is not my design to render you compassionate ; on the contrary , if you will follow my advice , it shall cost one of your unfortunate admirers his life . our poets and authors of romances have too long entertained us with false deaths ; i demand a true one of you , which will be a new addition to your other atchievements . to counsel you only to love subjects that are worthy of you , is to reduce you to an impossibility ; and properly to counsel you never to love. nothing now remains but to excuse my hardiness in finding out your faults ; and indeed i cou'd hinder it , for otherwise i had gone against the rules of character , whose perfection consists in well separating the good and bad qualities . after all , i have infinitely more occasion to complain , than you have ; one quarter of an hour is time sufficient for you to read them over , but i passed whole nights to discover them . these were the first difficulties of this nature i ever met ; and for a mark of a very extraordinary merit one of our nicest criticks here in town has found my praises easie and natural . a letter to monsieur d. b. i don't know why you should admire my verses , since i don't admire them my self ; for i must inform you that in the opinion of a celebrated master in poetry , a poet is always the most affected with his own compositions . as for my self , i acknowledge abundance of faults in mine , which i might correct , is exactness were not extreamly troublesome to my humour , and did not take up too much time for a person of my age. besides this , i have another excuse in reserve , which you 'l admit too unless i am mightily mistaken . essays are not often the best master-pieces ; and my praises of the king , being the first true and sincere one i ever gave , you are not to admire if my success was not extraordinary great . your commendations of me are an ingenious irony , which figure i was so great a master of formerly , that the marshal d'clarambaut thought no one but my self capable to dispute the merit of it with you . you ought not to employ it against a man who has lost the use of it , and who is so much your humble servant as i am . you see i am sufficient proof against laughter ; and yet in spight of all my precautions , i cannot forbear to take in good part , the praises you give me upon the score of my judgment . 't is your interest it shou'd be good , just , and delicate , for the idea of yours , which i always preserve by me , is the rule of mine . that miracle of beauty which i formerly saw at bourbon , is the same miracle of beauty which i see at london . some years which have arrived to her since , have given her more wit , and taken away none of her charms . fair eyes so sweetly charming and divine , that cause such transports where you shine . oh! ne're to grief your christal treasures pay , your pearls on grief are thrown away . tears from those orbs let no misfortunes move , so rich a tribute's only due to love. a panegyrick upon the dutchess of mazarine . by mr. brown . i have undertaken to day a thing without president ; i have undertaken to make the funeral oration of a person , who is in better health than her orator . this will surprize you gentlemen . but if we are permitted to take care of our tombs , to order inscriptions for them , to give a greater extent to our vanity than nature has been willing to give our lives : if those that are alive may appoint the place where they are to lye , when they shall be no longer in the number of living : if charles the fifth caused his own funerals to be celebrated , and for two years assisted at them in person ; can you think it strange , gentlemen , that a beauty more illustrious by her charms than that emperour was for his conquests , is willing to enjoy the happiness of her memory , and hear whilst she is alive , what may be said of her after her death . let others endeavour to excite your sorrows for one that is dead , i will command your tears for one who is living , for a person who is to dye one day by the necessary misfortune of humane condition , and who ought to live for ever for the sake of her admirable qualities . weep gentlemen , and not tarrying to bewail a beauty till she is lost , afford your tears to the melancholy consideration that we must once lose her . weep , weep . whoever expects a certain and unviolable misfortune , may already stile himself unfortunate . hortensia will dye . that miracle of the world will dye one day . the idea of so great a calamity deserves your tears . yes charminng goddess you must leave us , death will remove the heavenly prize : and of those numerous charms bereave us , that now employ our hearts and eyes . let us turn our imaginations from her death to her birth ; that we may steal one moment from our grief . if your see her come into the world , you will immediately remember that she is to depart out of it . hortensia de manchini was born at rome , of an illustrious family . her ancestors were always considerable , but tho they had all of them governed empires , they had not brought her so much glory , as she reflects back upon them . heaven formed this great masterpiece by a model unknown to the age we live in . to the shame of our time it bestow'd upon hortensia the beauty of ancient greece , and the virtue of old rome ; let us pass over her infancy in silence , without stopping our discourse there . her infancy was attended with a thousand pretty simplicities , but had nothing of importance enough for our subject . gentlemen , i demand your tears , i demand your admiration . to obtain them i have both misfortunes and virtues to represent to you . it was not long before cardinal mazarine was sensible of the advantages of his beautiful niece , and therefore to do justice of the gifts of nature , he destin'd hortensia to carry his name , and to possess his wealth . after his death , she had charms that might engage even kings to court her out of love , and a fortune capable to oblige them to do it out of interest . but what occasion had you , madam , to become a sovereign ? do's not your beauty make you reign wherever you go ? there is no nation that do's not pay a voluntary submission to the power of your charms ; there is no queen that has not a greater ambition for your beauty , than you can possibly have for her grandeur . all climes and countries do adore her , fresh triumphs on her beauties wait . the world injustly calls her rover , she only views the limits of her state. in effect , what country is there which hortensia has not seen ? what nation has seen her that has not at the same time admir'd her ? rome beheld her with as great admiration as paris did . that city , in all ages of the world so glorious , boasts more upon giving her to the world , than producing such a race of heroes . she believes that so extraordinary a beauty is preferable to the greatest valour , and that more conquests were to be gained by her eyes , than by the arms of her citizens . italy , madam , will be everlastingly obliged to you for abolishing those importunate rules , that bring a greater constraint than regularity with them : for freeing her from a science of formality , ceremony , and civility mixt together ; from the tyranny of premeditated respects that render men unsociable even in society itself . 't is hortensia who has banish'd all grimace , and all affectation from thence ; who has destroy'd that art of trifles which only regulates appearances ; that study of exteriour things that only composes mens countenances . 't is she who has rendred ridiculous a stiff awkward gravity , which supply'd the place of prudence ; and who has triumph'd over a politick itch without concern and without interest , busied only to conceal the defects a man finds in himself . 't is she who has introduced a sweet and innocent liberty , who has rendred conversation more agreable , and made pleasure more pure and delicate . a fatality caused her to come to rome , and a fatality caus'd her to leave it . madam , the constable colonna's lady had a mind to quit her husband , and imparted this resolution to her sister . her sister , as young as she was , represented to her upon this occasion all that a mother could have done to hinder it . but seeing her unalterably fixt to execute her design , she follow'd her out of love and affection , whom she could not disswade by her prudence ; and shared with her all the danger of flight , the fears , the inquietudes , and the inconveniencies that always attend such sort of resolutions . fortune who has a great power in our enterprises , but a much greater in our adventures made madam the constable's lady wander from nation to nation , and threw her at last into a convent at madrid . right reason advised hortensia to seek her repose , and a desire of retirement oblig'd her to settle her abode at chambery . there she found in her self by her reflexions , by a commerce with learned men , by books , and by observations , all that solid satisfaction which a court do's not give courtiers , who are either too much taken up with business , or too much dissolved in pleasures . three whole years did hortensia live at chambery , always in a state of tranquillity , but never obscure . whatever inclinations she might have to conceal herself , her merit establish'd for her a small empire in spight of her , and made a court of a retreat . in effect she commanded that city , and all the country about it . every one acknowledged with pleasure those rights which nature had given her , even he who had them over all the rest by virtue of his birth , forgot them freely , and entred into the same subjection with his people . those of the greatest merit and quality quitted the court , and neglected the service of their prince , to apply themselves particularly to that of hortensia : and considerable persons of remote countries made a voyage to italy to furnish themselves with a pretence to see her . 't is an extraordinary thing to be able to establish a court at chambery . 't is as it were a prodigy that a beauty , which had a mind to conceal it self in places almost inaccessible , should make a greater noise in europe , than all europe together the most beautiful persons of every nation had the displeasure to hear a continual mention made of an absent fair. the most lovely women had a secret enemy that ruined all the impressions they could make . it was the idea of hortensia ; which was pretiously preserved in those places , where she had been seen ▪ and was formed with pleasure in those where she had never been . such was the conduct of hortensia , such was her condition , when the duchess of york , her relation , passed through chambery in the way to find the duke her husband . the singular merit of the duchess , her beauty , her wit , and her virtue inspir'd hortensia with a desire to accompany her , but her affairs would not permit her . so she was obliged to delay that voyage till a more favourable opportunity ; the curiosity she had to see one of the greatest courts in the world , which she had never beheld , fortified her in this resolution : the death of the duke of savoy determined it . this prince had the same sentiments of her as all people that had the happiness to behold her . he had admired her at turin , and this admiration madam of savoy interpreted to be love. a jealous black impression produced a behaviour very little obliging towards the person who hád caused it . there needed no more than this to oblige hortensia to depart out of a country , where the new regent was in a manner absolute . to separate herself from the duchess of savoy , and approach the duchess of york was but one and the same resolution . hortensia acquainted her friends with this determination , who imployed all their arguments to disswade her from it , but 't was in vain ; never was seen so great a profusion of tears . as for her own part , she was not insensible of the general grief that was occasioned by the thoughts of her departure . persons so lively affected as they were , knew how to affect her . in the mean time this resolution was taken up , and in spight of all their regrets she concludes to depart . what other courage but that of hortensia would have undertaken so long , so difficult , and so dangerous a voyage ? before she could accomplish it she must traverse savage nations , and nations that were up in arms ; she must sweeten the one , and make herself be respected by the other . she understood not the language of any of these people , but they understood her . her eyes speak an universal language , which causes her to be understood by all mankind . what mountains , what forests , what rivers had she not to pass ? what did she not suffer from the wind , the snow , and the rains ? what dissiculties of the ways , what rigour of the season , what mighty inconveniences had she not to struggle with , which yet did but little injury to her beauty . never did helen appear so charming as hortensia was . she had the air , the habit , and the equipage of a queen of the amazons ! she seem'd equally fit to charm , and to fight . it was said , she went to give love to all the princes , whom she was to meet in her passage , and to command all the troops which they commanded . the first of these things she had in her power , but it was not her design . she made some essay of the second ; for the troops received her orders more voluntarily than those of their generals . after she had travell'd more than three hundred leagues she arriv'd at last at holland . she made no longer a stay at amsterdam than was necessary to view the rarities of so remarkable and famous a city . after she had satisfied her curiosity she came to the brill , where she embarqued for england . an extraordinary tempest happened in this voyage , which lasted five days . the storm was as as furious as it was long ; and made the seamen lose all their conduct and resolution , and the passengers all their hopes . hortensia alone was exempt from lamentation ; less importunate with heaven to preserve her , than submitting and resigning herself to its will ; but it had decreed she should visit england . she landed there , and in a short time came safe to london . all people had a great curiosity to see her . but the ladies had a greater allarm at her arrival . the english who were in possession of the empire of beauty saw it lost , not without great regret , to a stranger ; and 't is natural to be sensibly concerned for the loss of the sweetest of all vanities . so considerable an interest was the only thing in the world that could unite them . old enemies were reconciled ; those that were indifferent now began to visit one another , and friends link'd themselves more strictly together than before . this was the first conspiracy i beheld in england . a conspiracy as fatal to the beauty of hortensia , as the the latter was to the arms of the king of france . these confederates very well foresaw their misfortune , but not being willing to advance it , they prepared to defend an interest , which was dearer to them than that of their country . hortensia had nothing to defend her but her charms , and her virtues . this was enough to make her apprehensive of nothing . after she had kept her chamber some time , less to recover herself from the fatigues of her journey , than to have her habits made , she appear'd at whitehall , fair beauties of whitehall give way , hortensia do's her charms display . she comes , she comes ! resign the day , she must reign , and you obey . from that day they never disputed the prize with her in publick : but they carried on a secret war against her within doors ; where all ended either in private injuries which never arrived to her knowledge , or in vain murmurs which she despised . the world now beheld an extraordinary turn . those that were the most violently transported against her were the first that imitated her . they would dress and apparel themselves like her : but this was neither her dress nor habit . for her person gave a new grace to every thing she wore , and those that endeavoured to take up her air and her dress , wanted the principal thing , her person . one might say of her what was said of the late madam , all the world imitates her , and no one resembles her . as for what regarded the men , she made subjects of all those judicious persons that beheld her . they were only men of ill palates and worse wit , that could defend the remainder of their liberty against her ; happy in the conquests she made ! more happy in those she did not make ! hortensia no sooner arriv'd to any place but she established a house there , which caused the rest to be abandoned . the greatest freedom in the world was to be seen there , and an equal discretion ▪ every one was more commodiously treated there than at home , and more respectfully than at court. 't is true they dispute often there , but then it is with more knowledge than heat ; 't is not done out of a spirit of contradiction , but fully to discover the matters in agitation : rather to animate conversation than to exasperate it . the playing there is very inconsiderable , 't is the diversion only that makes the play. you can neither discover in their faces the fear of losing , nor a concern for what is lost . some of them are so far disinterested , that they are reproach'd with rejoicing at their own losing , and afflicting themselves at their winning . play is follow'd by the best repasts in the world. one may there see every thing that comes from france for-the delicate , and all that comes from the indies for the curious ; and the common meats become rare by the exquisite sawces which are bestowed upon them . 't is not a plenty which may cause a dissipation to be feared ; 't is not frugality that shews either avarice or penury . they do not here love an oeconomy niggard and sullen , that contents it self merely with satisfying the necessities of life , and affords nothing to the pleasure of it . they love a good order that furnishes every that can be desired , and that wisely manages the use of it , so that nothing may be wanting . there is certainly nothing so well regulated as this family . but hortensia diffuses throughout the whole i do not know what sort of an easy air . something free and natural that conceals the administration of it . one would conclude that things moved of themselves , so secret is the ordering of them , and so difficult to be perceived . let hortensia change her lodgings , no man can know whether she has changed them . the difference of places is insensible . wherever she goes we see nothing but her ; and if we see her , we see every thing . the novelty , the alteration is not to be perceived . she alone attracts our eyes , and employs them . here no visits are made , properly speaking . these devoirs and respects to any one but her are mere slavery . the most regular visitants secretly reproach themselves for stealing from her the time of looking after her family . they never come soon enough , and never depart late enough . they go to bed with the regret to have quitted her , and they rise with the desire to behold her afresh . but how great is the uncertainty of our human condition ! at the time when hortensia seemed to enjoy her health the best ; at the time when she innocently enjoy'd all the pleasure which inclination desires , and reason does not prohibit ; that she tasted the sweetness to see herself beloved and esteemed by all the world ; that those ladies who had opposed themselves to her establishment , were charmed by her conversation ; that she had as it were extinguished self-love in the soul of her friends , every one expressing the same kind sentiments for her , which it is natural to have for ones self : at the time when the most lovely of the fair sex forbore to contend with her beauty ; that envy had concealed itself in the bottom of their hearts , that all repining against her was private , or appeared ridiculous as soon as she begun to appear . at this happy time an extraordinary indisposition seizes her , and we were upon the point to lose her , in spight of all her charms , in spight of all our admiration , and love. you were just a perishing , hortensia , and so were we . you through the violence of your pains , we through that of our affliction . but is was more than being simply afflicted . we felt all that you did , and were sick as you were . your unequal moments sometimes carried you to the brink of death ; and sometimes recalled you to life . we were subject to all the accidents of your sickness , and to know how it fared with you , it was not at all necessary to enquire after your health . we needed only to observe in what state we our selves were . praised be that universal dispenser of good and evil ; praised be heaven that has restored you to our vows , and given you again to your self . behold you are living , and so are we ; but we have not as yet recovered the cruel fright that this danger gave us , and a cruel idea still remains behind , which makes us more lively conceive what must one day befall you . nature will destroy this beauteous fabrick , which it has taken so much pains to frame . nothing can cxempt it from that lamentable law to which we are all subject . she who was so visibly distinguished from others during her life , will be confounded with the meanest at her death . and do you then complain , you that have only an ordinary genius , a common merit , or an indifferent beauty , do you complain that you must dy ? don't murmur , injust as ye are , hortensia will dy like you . a time will come ( oh that this infortunate time would never come ) when we may say of this miracle . she 's now resolv'd to common clay , she that did beauty's empire sway , fate , cruel fate would have it so , fate that governs all below . now vulgar souls learn to resign your breath , and without murmuring submit to death . in my opinion a funeral oration ought not to end without leaving some consolation to the auditors . after we have drawn their tears for a person who has quitted the world , 't is usual to tell them the party deceased is in heaven , that the idea of his happiness may form in us some sentiments of joy. let us pass , let us pass from grief to pleasure , we have already wept because we saw hortensia upon the point to dye . let us now rejoyce to behold her living . our sovereign is well . what can be greater ? what can we desire more ? there are but few reigns which we are not glad to see finished . the lightest chains are heavy to those that bear them . they appear easie to none but those that wear them not . your reign , madam , still continues , and we wish it may continue for ever . your subjects find themselves happy under your government . there is not one of them but looks upon his liberty at the greatest misfortune . set us rejoyce , our sovereign is living , and we live . to live is the chief of humane blessings ; and to live for her is the chief of them . 't is the sweetest and the best use we can make of our life . reflections upon the doctrine of epicurus , by mr. brown. every one knows that the greatest part of men condemn epicurus , and reject his doctrine , not only as unworthy of a philosopher , but what is more severe , as dangerous to the common-wealth : they solemnly declare that a man becomes vicious from the very moment he declares himself one of his disciples ; that his opinions are directly contrary to good manners , and thus they cover his name with all imaginable scandal and infamy . notwithstanding all this , the stoicks , who , were his greatest enemies , never treated him so ill : they combated his hypothesis , but never invaded his reputation ; and the books they have left us plainly discover in abundance of places the singular esteem and respect they had for him . from whence then proceeds this extraordinary difference ? and why don't we rather follow the opinion of the wise ? it is an easie matter to give the true reason of it , which is , that we don't do as they do . we don't vouchsafe to inform our selves of any thing , but blindly adhere to what is told us : without instructing our selves in the nature of things we judge those to be the best that have the most examples , and the greatest crowd of admirers ; we don't follow reason , but only the resemblances of it . we stifly retain our errors because they are countenanced by those of other men. we rather chuse to believe implicitly than to put our selves to the expence of judging ; and are so strangely injust as to conclude , that the antiquity of an opinion is a sufficient title to authorise us to defend it , even in defiance to reason it self . this , in short , is one of the causes that has made epicurus fall into the publick hatred , aud has prevail'd with almost the generality of mankind to discard him out of the number of philosophers . we have condemn'd him without condescending to know him , we have banish'd him without hearing him speak for himself ; nay we have deny'd him the justice to explain his own sentiments . but after all , in my opinion the chief and indeed the most plausible pretence that men have had to despise his doctrine , has been the irregular life of some libertines , who as they abused the name of this philosopher , so they have ruined the reputation of his sect. these people have recommended their own vices under the reputation of his wisdom ; they have corrupted his doctrine by their ill manners , and came over in vast numbers to his party , only because they understood that pleasure was mightily commended by them . all the mischief is , that they would not know what this pleasure was , and what these praises meant ; that they contented themselves with his name in general ; that they have made it serve as a veil to their debaucheries ; and that they quoted the authority of so great a man to support the disorders of their life . so that instead of profiting by the sage counsels of this philosopher , or correcting their vitious inclinations in his school , they have lost the only good quality they had left them , and that is , the shame of sinning . they have arrived to such a pitch as to commend those very actions they blushed at formerly ; they take a pride in those vices they had the discretion to conceal before ; and at last without the least remorse or shame , they blindly followed the pleasure they brought along with them , and not that which he would have taught them . in the mean time the world has passed judgment by these appearances , and observing that a sort of people who called themselves philosophers , were extremely debauched , that they made a publick profession of their crimes , that they cited epicurus to authorise their idleness , their impurity , and their lewdness , they made no difficulty to pronounce the doctrine of this philosopher to be pernicious , and to compare his disciples to the uncleanest animals in nature . — epicuri de grege porci . the affairs of epicurus had been in a very ill condition of some disinterested persons had not taken care to do him justice ; and freed themselves from the prejudices of the multitude , whose opinions are generally opposite to those of the wise . for some generous persons have been found , who have throughly informed themselves of this philosopher's way of living ; who scorning to be determined by the common belief , have penetrated farther into the matter , and after a due inquiry have produced very authentick testimonies both of the probity of his person , and the purity of his doctrine . these gentlemen have published in the face of the world , that his pleasure was as severe as the virtue of the stoicks , and that a man who had a mind to be as debauched bauched as epicurus , must also for his comfort be as sober as zeno. and to say the truth , it is highly incredible that a man to whom his country erected several statues ; whose friends inhabited all the cities of greece ; who loved the worship of the gods , and the prosperity of his country ; who was celebrated for his piety to his parents , his liberality to his brothers , and his sweet carriage to his slaves ; whose modesty hindred him from medling with state-affairs , and whose ordinary sustenance was nothing but bread and water : it is highly incredible , i say , that such a man should ever give precepts of debauchery , or teach his disciples the practice of those vices , which he naturally abhorred . on the contrary , as if this excellent person had been apprehensive , that the title he gave his philosophy might be so far abused as to encourage wicked inclinations ; and that men in after ages might calumniate this pleasure , wherein he placed the sovereign good : as if he had foreseen the unjust aversion of the following ages , and the irregularities of some libertines that would abuse his doctrine , he took care himself to make an apology for it , and satisfied the world , that the pleasure he speaks of was austere and sober . i am not so vain as to believe that my bare word will be taken for this , and therefore will produce one of his letters , wherein any one may be able to read his true sentiments . it is addressed to one meneceus , and now pray observe after what manner he explains himself . although , my dear meneceus , we say that pleasure is the end of man , we would by no means be supposed to speak of infamous lewd pleasures that proceed from intemperance and sensuality . this ill inference can only be made by those persons who are wholly ignorant of our precepts , or else combat them ; who absolutely reject them , or pervert the true meaning of them . by this single fragment one may perceive how careful he was to preserve the innocence of his doctrine against calumny and ignorance ; that he well foresaw that only these two things were capable to decry it ; and in effect , as we have already observed , they have ruined his reputation with the greatest part of the world. his life , as sober and innocent as it was , could not escape censure , or free him from an infinite number of lies and invectives : but those that have written it , after having recounted the several calumnies of his enemies , have immediately refuted them ; and at the same time that they published our philosophers , history , have likewise published his apology . as it is not my design to entertain you with a narration of his actions , but only to defend his pleasure , i shall send you back to diogenes laertius for the account of his life ; and shall content my self to philosophize upon the nature of this pleasure , that has created him so many enemies ; and examine whether it is of such a hainous character , that we ought to cashier those persons from the number of honest men that defend and follow it . to live according to nature , and not to feel any pain , is what epicurus calls living voluptuously . now i am of opinion , that there is nothing in this that deserves to be condemned ; that such a life as this does not merit censure ; that no republick in the world was ever so severe as to disapprove it . to live according to nature is to follow right reason . the bounds she prescribes us are those of innocence . there is nothing in her but what is equitable and equal . 't is not along of her that avarice came into the world. she industriously conceal'd gold in the entrails of the vilest element , and we have dug it from thence . she is not the cause of that ambition that torments us ; she brings us all equal into the world , and so she takes us out of it . we don't differ one from another , any farther than we corrupt her . do you think it is she that excites us to pleasures ? the poets themselves that have lodged all manner of extravagancies in heaven , that so they might sin with authority , and who have represented iupiter weak and vitious , out of a design to copy a god in their own irregular lives , were never guilty of the presumptien to do it . they have preserved its purity whole and entire ; and in describing her age , have not taken notice of the luxury that became so rampant in the following ones . hear what they say , and they will tell you , that acorns were then the nourishment of mankind , that rivers quench'd their thirst , that they dwelt in caves , that they had no apparel to defend them from the cold , and that they followed nature in all their actions . i know very well , that things did not pass after this manner , and that the first inhabitants of the earth never lived in this strange simplicity , which is more proper to the stupidity of beasts , than the politeness of men. the poets have carried matters too far , but their meaning was , that our extravagancies don't proceed from nature , that she never recommended them to us , that it is not she which says ; ales phasiacis petita colchis , atque afrae volucres placent palato quod non sunt faciles . that she did not invent vain gawdy equipages , purple habits , and a long train of lacqueys ; and in fine , that it is we who abuse the gifts of heaven , and the advantages we have over the rest of the creation . what then can be the meaning of living according to nature ? must we abstain from those things she has made us masters of ? i don't pretend that , but am rather inclin'd to believe , we ought to make use of them , provided it be done pursuant to the dictates of nature . we ought to use these things after such a manner , that we may easily part with them ; we ought to be masters of them , and not slaves to them ; we ought not impatiently desire to attain them , not to abandon our selves to despair upon the loss of them . let us quietly enjoy them as occasion serves , but not search after them with inquietude and pain . there is no condition that does not sit well upon a wise man. for this reason i shall never quarrel with a philosopher for living in a palace , but shall at the same time not excuse him if he can't content himself with a cottage . i shall not be scandalized to behold him in the apparel of kings , provided he has not their ambition . let aristippus possess the riches of croesus , it matters not ; he will throw them away as soon as they incommode him . let plato sit down at the table of dionysius the tyrant . sometimes he will eat nothing but olives . we don 't at all blame the possession of riches ; we only condemn those persons that are mere slaves to their wealth . poverty of it self will never make us wise ; it may indeed render us uncapable of committing certain disorders , but then there are others which it cannot remedy . the sordid eating of the cynics did neither contribute to their tranquillity , nor to their modesty . ambition follow'd diogenes into his tub ; and there it was he had the presumption to command alexander the proudest of all men. all external accidents will become indifferent to us , if we have moderation of soul ; that is , if we are wise , and follow the dictates of nature . i own 't is harder to follow them in abundance than in necessity ; and that our moderation has much less to apprehend from the miseries of adversity , than the snares of plenty : but then 't is infinitely more glorious to surmount them , and the loss of false joys does only recommend to us the possession of solid ones . a man does but faintly , if at all , relish that felicity which costs him nothing , and for which he 's obliged to mere chance . it is necessary that wisdom should give it us : nay sometimes it is necessary that pain itself should lead us to pleasure . one that enters the lists at the olympick games with a design to fight , in case no body offers to appear against him , may well enough be crowned , but for this does not deserve the title of victorious . storms and tempests give reputation to pilots . had the chastity of penelope been never put to the proof , it might have been said of her , that she wanted gallants to debauch her . let us not therefore fly the world ; let us not abandon the court ; let us not hide our selves in a desart , from whence philosophy drew the first men. let us possess riches , let us not refuse to enter upon publick offices . if we are wise , we shall enjoy these things without the least danger ; we shall steer safely by these rocks , we shall behold all these objects with an indifferent eye . and if they are taken from us , we shall testifie to all the world , by our not casting our eyes back upon them , that we despise them , and that we were never wedded to them . it is scandalous for a wise man to fly , and to be subdued by his desires , which as they are not in reality according to nature , so they can boast of no other credit , than what the depraved opinion of mankind bestows upon them . i have thus in part explained wherein the pleasure of the epicureans consists , what it is they mean by living up to nature , in short what their doctrine and true sentiments are . let us now consider whether this opinion deserves the hatred of mankind , or whether we have any reason to ridicule it . let us examine whether this pleasure favours debauchery and excess , or whether any thing in the world can be more sober and chast than it . if you enquire of epicurus what it is to live voluptuously , he will answer that it is to disengage our selves from too vigorous a pursuit of riches , to resist and suppress evil desires , to contemn honours , to make our selves masters of fortune ; and in a word , to enjoy an absolute and uninterrupted peace and repose of mind . all his precepts centre here , true sincere pleasure in only to be found here ; and in effect we ought only to search her here , ; not in a brutal satisfaction of the senses , nor in any violent emotions of the appetites . it is too pure to depend wholly upon the body ; reason is both the mistress and rule of it , the senses are only its servants : and therefore whatever mighty delights we may expect to find in good eating , or in the pleasures of the eye , or in perfumes and musick , yet if we don't come to these things with a calmness and tranquillity of soul , we shall find our selves miserably disappointed ; we shall abuse our minds with a false joy , and embrace a phantom , a mere appearance of pleasure for pleasure itself . consume , if you are so minded , all the odoriferous wood of arabia the happy , revel in the arms of venus , feed upon nectar and ambrosia , enjoy all the pleasures that the most fruitful poet ever formed in his imagination . all this will but create vexation and bitterness , if we feel the least inquietude within ; and our melancholy will force us to complain in the midst of these sweet entertainments . i will give you an example of this , that shall fully convince you how impossible it is for a man to relish pleasure when his mind is disturbed . you have without question read of the mighty feast which tigellinus made for nero , and therefore may recall this great scene of intemperance into your memory , the luxury and fame of which make no little noise even in our times . in all appearance it was the greatest effort that the most excessive prodigality , joyned to the most exquisite niceness , could make ; in short , it was impossible for sensuality to advance a step beyond it . agrippa's pond was more chosen to be the scene of this extraordinary feast it was kept on board a most magnificent vessel , which being drawn by an infinite number of others seem'd to move insensibly . all these vessels were curiously inriched with gold and ivory ; the rowers were so many beautiful boys , or to speak better , so many cupids or gods of love. the ocean furnished this entertainment with fish ; and the several provinces of the empire with a prodigious variety of other dishes . not to be tedious , the great plenty of it was only to be matched with the extreme choiceness of the provisions . i don't speak of the infamous houses erected on the banks of this pond , that were all fill'd with ladies of quality . i don't speak of the courtisans that were here beheld naked . the night itself contributed to the pleasure of this debauch ; its darkness was overcome by an infinite number of illuminations ; and its silence agreably disturbed with the harmony of several consorts . would you now know whether nero took pleasure in all these things , and whether he parted from the banquet satisfied and content ? you need only consider with your self that he carried the remembrance of his crimes , and the remorse of his conscience about him . having done this , you 'll soon conclude that despair accompanied him , that he suffered as much as the greatest criminal , and that although his outside carried the shew of a triumph , yet he was acting a terrible tragedy in his soul. if he felt any joy 't was that of frantick persons ; he owed his pleasure to his fury or his drunkenness , and was no longer happy than he was abandoned by his reason . i say the same thing of those sots that accompanied him ; for i cannot believe , that either seneca , or thraseas paetus , or bareas soranus , who lived up to nature amidst the universal corruption of their age , were in the number of his guests : without doubt he had none but such whom a life full as irregular as his own made him love ; who advised him to all his crimes , who were the executors of them , and before whom he might not be obliged to blush . a herd of such profligate wretches never aspired to true happiness ; there was not one wise man in the whole company ; now pleasure has no influence on minds that are corrupted and spoiled with all sorts of debauchery and excess . — quemvis mediâ erue turbâ aut ob avaritiam , aut miserâ ambitione laborat . hic nuptarum insanit amoribus , hic puerorum . in short , they lay open to all those passion that disturb the peace of the soul , and consequently were not in a condition to relish the pleasure we speak of . i could wish that fpicurus had been present at this assembly , and declared his opinion in the face of the world. i am confident he would have spoke the truth before nero himself ; that he would never have dreaded death , which was looked upon by him to be a thing indifferent , and am apt to imagine he would have explained himself after this manner : oh unfortunate prince ! how strangely art thou infatuated to believe , that pleasure consists in intemperance , which is as far removed from all excess , as thou art from the true felicity of life . thou draggest thy misery about thee wherever thou goest , and in spight of all thy endeavours , thou art not able to purchase one moments repose from thy conscience . load thy tables with the most exquisite dainties that were ever eaten ; drink the most generos wines that greece and italy can afford ; and after this wallow in all the most abominable varieties of luxury and incontinence . thou wilt find nothing there that can satisfie thee , and when thy body is surfeited with them , thy mind will still be upon the search after pleasure . these are not the things that render life happy ; it is prudence only which causes the sovereign good ; which will teach thee to regulate thy desires according to nature , and in this regular state thou wilt find what thou wilt never be able to find in these disorders . if thou wantest any thing cast thy eyes upon this common mother , and she will give thee wherewith to content thy self easily . art thou thirsty ? she has carefully provided rivers and fountains in every place to quench it . art thou hungry ? there is no part of the vniverse so barren , but thou mayst meet with fruits to relieve thy self : if thou canst not be satisfied with these things , much less shalt thou ever be satisfied with excess . pleasure is nothing but a privation of pain . consult thy hunger and thirst , and they will make thee find pleasure in the simplicity of nature ; and bread and water will supply the place of the choicest repast thou canst think of , when once thou hast need of them . at present thou art not in this condition , thou dost not allow thy stomach time to digest thy meat : thy intemperance daily lays in a new stock of crudities , and hastens that death which gives thee so many cruel apprehensions . thus thou sittest down at feasts without finding any pleasure in them , because thou dost commit a violence upon nature , and force her to obey thy desires : but know for a certain truth , that they are contrary to her , and that the irregularities of thy body darken the light of thy reason . don't imagine therefore to find any relish in those pleasures thou proposest to thy self : it is only to be found in those that are permitted by nature . the ambition of servants carries them to a fond longing after crowns . if they were once kings , they would then desire to be the only monarchs of the world ; and when arrived to that heighth they would be calling out for incense and sacrifices . the fable of the giants instructs us , that earth has presumed to dispute the pre-eminence with heaven . 't is the same in all other wild disorderly desires : no one is happy but the person that knows how to regulate them ; and as this can be done by no one but a wise man , whose peculiar talent it is , so it only belongs to him to command the vniverse . he , and only he , can extract pleasure from all things ; he alone uses these delights with sobriety , and despises them even while he possesses them . as for thee , who dishonourest the race of augustus , and who art the infamy of mankind , over whom the indignation of the gods has placed thee : do what thou wilt , thou wilt be always miserable , thou wilt always carry thy tormenters about thee : thou wilt never free thy self one minute from the horrors of thy conscience , and in the midst of the regale thou wilt not tast one drop of wine , which shall not represent to thy imagination the blood of those innocents , that thy cruelty has shed . behold , unless i am mistaken , what epicurus wonld have said upon this occasion . behold how he would have justified his philosophy ; behold how he would have reprimanded the vices of the emperour . but since it is utterly impossible that the mind , which is the judge of pleasure , should perfectly relish it , if the body , whose ministry it uses , does languish under any torment ; epicurus teaches , that all privation of bodily pain , as well as that of the mind , is necessary towards the consummation of that sovereign good , which he calls pleasure . and to say the truth , there is so immediate a communication between the mind and the flesh , that it is very difficult to separate their pleasures and their suffering . it is hard to comprehend how the soul can be perfectly happy , while diseases afflict its companion the body : how it can think of joy whilst the violence of pain extorts complaints from it , or how it can be sensible of pleasure , whilst it is present at all those places where the indisposition rages . let the stoicks boast as long as they please of the insensibility of their wise man , and of this rigorous virtue that laughs at pain . when they come once to the suffering part , they 'll find that their body is by no means of this opinion , and that although these discourses are really magnificent and lofty , yet for all that they are neither to be reconciled to nature , nor to truth . i will not justifie this proposition by the examples of the generality of their philosophers . i will not cite any name which they may have the least pretence to reject , nor urge any man upon them whose virtue may be called in question : hercules alone shall assert the truth of what i have delivered . this hercules , who is reckoned amongst the gods , whom so many exploits have made immortal , and whom the stoicks have chose for a perfect model of their strength and wisdom . let us a little reflect upon the dying behaviour of this heroe , and consider the last actions of his life . without doubt this invincible man will depart out of the world , as he came into it , by doing something heroical and great . to be sure he 'll not let a syllable drop from him that may dishonour his mighty exploits , or seem unworthy of his former character . we shall find our selves extremely mistaken if we are of this opinion . the force of his pain triumphs over his courage , his constancy yields to the rage of the poyson that burns him . he does not only complain , but he weeps , he cries , he stamps , he flings about — at circum gemunt petrae locrorum , & alta euboeae promontoria . and by these his last effects of rage and despair he quits his life to go and take his place amongst the gods. let the stoicks therefore come over to our party ; let them amuse us no more with their insensibility , let them not pretend that their wise man can be happy amidst his tortures , and let them not despise pain with their usual insolence since they see hercules himself could not support himself under the pressure of it . but if they answer , that the poet has been guilty of a great solecism in representing hercules after this manner , and continue to give other relations of this heroe contrary to the authority of books , and the consent of the theatre , posidonius heretofore one of the masters of cicero , and the greatest of all the stoicks , ( for so this celebrated disciple of his calls him ) will furnish us with a notorious example , and we shall see one of the strongest pillars of the porch shaken by a slight indisposition . the gout which at last attacqued this philosopher , proved to be the rock on which his constancy split . he complained of his pain with as much impatience as any ordinary man would have done : and tho he reproached it by vaunting that all its efforts should never constrain him to own that it was an evil , yet he could not forbear to afflict himself with it , to complain of it , and herein he testified more opiniatretè than constancy and reason . it seems that cicero was scandalized at weakness of this wise man , or at least that he was astonished at it . i have beheld , says he , possidonius the greatest man amongst the stoicks suffer the pains of the gout with as little resolution and bravery as my landlord nichomachus the tyrian , whom he esteemed but as an ordinary man. and indeed i am so far from believing that the felicity of humane life is compatible with pain , that i am of opinion it would be the action of a wise man to quit it , in case he were not able to set such an uncomfortable attendant as some distance from him . and although i have the memory of maecenas in great veneration , and think that no one ought to mention his name but with the profoundest respect ; yet i could wish , if it were possible to be done , that some verses of his were utterly lost , and that he had never inform'd us , that he was more fond of a wretched life than ( i don't say a philosopher ) but a man of the meanest courage ought to be . you cannot offer him life upon never so disadvantageous terms , but he readily accepts it . let him be deformed it signifies nothing , let him be crooked he still comforts himself that he is alive . let him endure all the united torments of the most violent diseases , he is still contented , if they are not mortal ; and though you should condemn him to the most cruel death imaginable , yet , by his good will , he would not be brought to quit his life , provided he could still preserve it amidst the most terrible punishments . debilem facito manu , debilem pede , coxâ , tubber astrue gibberum , lubricos quate dentes vita dum superest , bene est . hanc mihi vel acutâ si sedeam cruce , sustine . his effeminacy , no doubt on 't , dictated these verses to him , whilst he tasted all the pleasures of life . he had never experimentally known what pain was before ; and i dare boldly aver , that if he had found himself in this lamentable condition of his own chusing , he would have earnestly desired death to rid him of his torments . by this 't is an easy matter to conjecture that maecenus , was a man of pleasure , but not an epicurean ; since those philosophers had too elevated a soul to condescend to such ignominious conditions . they were less apprehensive of death than of pain , and sometimes renounced pleasure for the sake of pain . and the reason is , that epicurus very well judging that the generality of men , corrupted by the enjoyment of pleasures , and suffering themselves blindly to be hurried on by their appetites , would not be in a condition to foresee the griefs and afflictions , which would be the certain consequences of their irregular courses : and on the other hand , fearing that the love of ease , and an effeminacy of spirit , join'd to the fear of labour and pain , would oblige them to be deficient in their respective duties , and render them inserviceable in the whole course of their life ; he was of opinion that at some certain times , when a wise man had full liberty to chuse for himself , and nothing hindered him to pursue his full satisfaction , he might abandon himself to pleasure , and entirely remove himself from pain : but then that there were certain conjunctures , when the obligation of his duty , and the necessity of affairs , ought to incline him not to refuse pain , and to reject pleasure . it was this generous maxim that obliged cato vticensis to dye . for although he might have continued safe upon the ruins of his own party , and cesar would have been proud to have given him his life : nevertheless the shame to survive the loss of the publick liberty , and the infamy of servitude , would not permit this generous person to deliberate , whether he ought to chuse the pain of dying gloriously , to avoid the pleasure of living after a manner , which to him seem'd unworthy of a roman . it was this maxim that obliged regulus to deliver himself into the hands of his enemies , where the cruelty of his executioners was less sensible to him , than the remorse for having broke his word would have been . it was this maxim , which as it made fabricius despise the treasures of the king of epirus , so it made him despise those evil desires which attend the possession of riches , to preserve the repose of his mind , and the chief pleasure . in fine , it was this maxim which compell'd cicero to declaim against anthony , and to devote himself for the preservation of the republick , at a time when he might have lived peaceably at his own house , and enjoyed all the ease of life , and the diversions of study . there is nothing commendable in the world which cannot be reduced to this maxim ; and whatever heroick actions these great men have done , you will find that if they chose one pain it was to avoid a greater ; and on the other hand , if they have not practised certain pleasures , it was only to acquire by this abstinence others that were more satisfactory and solid . for to what other cause can you assign their illustrious actions ? do you imagine that they parted out of this world with so much indifference ? that they rejected the possession of gold ? that they drew dangerous enemies upon their heads , and did not at the same time think that what they did was either for their profit or pleasure ? don't let us do them this injustice . don't let us impute the effects of their wisdom to the efforts of their irregular minds . let us believe that in all these things they acted with deliberation ; and let us not represent them in a worse condition than the most savage animals ; which are never so strangely transported , but that we may easily to conclude whither the impetuosity of their motion tends . cato parted with his life ; it was become a burthen to him . he found much less pain to quit the world than to submit to cesar , whom he did not believe to be an honest man ; and much more pleasure in not living at all , than in living under an ignominious servitude . regulus returned back to carthage : had he not done so , he had been accused of perfidiousness . fabricius could not be corrupted by pyrrhus : in this he testified his integrity , he served his country ; and with the bare pleasure of refusing riches , satisfied himself infinitely more , than if he accepted them . in short , cicero publickly reproached antony , and declared himself his capital enemy . if he had no reason to do so , he deserves indeed to be blamed ; but if he designed to establish the tranquillity of the republick , though it were at the expence of his own ; if he endeavoured to ruin anthony that he might save rome : besides that by this conduct he contributed to the safety of his fellow citizens , wherein his own was in a manner wrapt up , so much more did he deserve the praises of all the world , and the love of the roman people . these great men , in truth of history , were not of the family of epicurus ; nay one of them , in some of his writings , has attempted to confute his opinions ; but 't is sufficient that the authority of their examples is to be found in the doctrine of this philosopher ; and that the world should be informed that virtue alone was not their chief motive , or at least that what they call virtue , ought to be named pleasure . not but that several persons of the greatest bravery have been bred up in this school ; who in a degenerate corrupt age have done actions full as vigorous , and noble , as those of the antient romans in the most flourishing days of their republick . under nero's empire the world no less admired the death of petronius , than they had done that of seneca . the emperour's tutor did not purchase any glory by dying , which his master of the revels did not afterwards acquire : and the common opinion was , that this stoick , who had all along preached up a contempt of life , did not quit it more generously , than petronius who studied all the pleasures of it . i am obliged for the honour of epicarus to enlarge somewhat upon the life and death of this courtier , who was one of his greatest disciples ; and it will be impossible for me to handle this subject without giving you a sensible entertainment . since you are not at this time of day to be made acquainted with the qualities of illustrious men , i am sure you will not be unwilling to allow petronius a place in this number , and to observe , en passant , the marks of his generosity and wisdom . this famous epicurean , far from resembling our modern debauchees , that eat and drink away their estates , made profession of a cultivated polite luxury , and minded nothing but refined pleasures . and as industry and diligence give a reputation to the rest of mankind , he was the only person in the world that acquir'd it by his ease , and sitting still . his words and actions were very free and negligent ; and as they show'd the candor and sweetness of his temper , and carried an air of simplicity , they were always received with a great deal of satisfaction and delight . nevertheless this excellent man , very well knowing that there is a time when a wise man ought to quit the repose and tranquillity of his life to serve the publick , abandon'd this happy way of living , when he was elected proconsul of bithynia , and afterwards consul ; and by acquitting himself worthily in these illustrious employs , he demonstrated by his vigour , and by his conduct , that he was capable of managing the greatest affairs . at his leaving these offices he betook himself to his old way of living , and afterwards happening to become one of nero's greatest friends , although this prince had none but vitious inclinations , yet he was so strongly enchanted by his merit , that he made him the arbitrator or comptroller of all his pleasures ; and believed that amidst all his affluence and plenty , he ought not to esteem any thing as sweet and agreeable , unless petronius first approved it . i speak here only of lawful pleasures , and virtuous delights for our epicurean was so far from having any share in nero's brutal excesses , that this prince was in a strange confusion when he knew they were arrived to the knowledg of petronius , who reproached him with them in some writings ; and caused silia to be punished , because he suspected that she had revealed them to him . from that moment tigellinus looked upon him as his competitor ; and fearing least by the means of this wise and honest pleasure , whereof he made profession , he might effect what seneca could not by the authority of his sect , that is , recal nero from the disorders of his life ; he resolved to destroy him , imagining there was no other way to establish himself but by ruining him . to this end he awaked that prince's cruelty , to which , as being his predominant passion , all his other pleasures gave way . he accuses petronius with being a friend to scevinus , who was in piso's conspiracy : he corrupts one of his slaves to impeach him , takes from him all means of defending himself , and gets the greatest part of his domesticks to be chained and imprisoned . in this condition , a man of less generosity would either have flatter'd himself with the prospect of his prince's clemency , or at least have prolonged his life to the last extremity . as for him , he does quite otherwise : he believ'd it was downright weakness or shame to bear any longer the torments of hope or fear ; and being resolved to die , he searched a way to do it with the same tranquillity wherein he had lived . so not being willing to quit life with precipitation , he ordered his veins to be opened , and afterwards to be bound up again ; and then taking the ligatures off as he pleased himself , he entertained his friends with agreable conversations ; not affecting to make any serious discourses before them , by which he might pretend to the glory of constancy . nor would he employ the last hours of his life in speaking of the immortality of the soul , nor of the opinions of the philosophers ; but having pitched upon a more voluptuous and more natural sort of death , he rather chose to imitate the sweetness of a swan ; and therefore caused some delightful moving verses to be repeated to him . nevertheless he reserved a few moments to dispose of his own affairs ; he rewarded abundance of his slaves , and some of them he ordered to be punished . then perceiving the hour of his death approached , after he had used a little exercise he laid himself peaceably down to sleep ; that his death , which was violent , might however resemble , as much as possible , one that was fortuitous and natural . people , if they please , may still talk of socrates , and mightily commend the constancy , with which he drank the poison . petronius is not at all inferiour to him ; nay he may justly pretend to have the advantage over him ; as having abandoned a life infinitely more delicious than that of this wise grecian , with the same tranquillity of mind , and the same equality of soul. but that you may better comprehend the great value of this pleasure , which i am here maintaining , i will give you the portraicture of a man , who perfectly possesses it , and by a representation of his counterpart , which i will afterwards give you , put you out of all manner of doubt , that epicurus's pleasure is to be infinitely preferr'd . imagine to your self a man in perfect health , plenty and affluence ; innocently enjoying the delights of this world ; his soul peaceable , serene and easie ; possessing always , and that in abundance , the most agreable pleasures of the body and mind ; being neither troubled with the presence , nor threatned with the fear of any grief whatever . what condition can you propose more excellent , or more desirable than this ? for before a person can arrive to this exalted state , it is necessary that he possess a force of soul proof against death and pain ; that his mind be entirely disengaged from all the false opinions of the vulgar ; that it be not disturbed with impertinent fears ; nay , that it suffer not the pleasures it has tasted to be lost ; but always entertain it self with a sweet remembrance of them . this is to arrive to the highest period of felicity ; where the defect of nothing can be pretended , as to the full consummation of humane happiness . on the other hand let us represent to our selves a man o'erwhelmed with all the evils that can afflict humane nature ; deprived of all hopes to see them ever diminished ; neither feeling any present pleasure , nor having ever tasted any , nor daring to promise himself any for the time to come : and after we have owned that nothing can be imagined more miserable than this condition , let us at the same time confess , that nothing can be more happy than the voluptuous epicurean . now if you think that this happy person , whose picture i have drawn , is no where to be found but only in my own imagination ; and that so perfect a scene of felicity cannot be among men , any otherwise than in idea ; i protest you have wrong sentiments both of humane condition and the goodness of heaven ; and i am obliged to draw you out of this errour , that you may no longer murmur at our misery , and the injustice of our destiny . i find this original done by the hand of one of the greatest masters , placed in the cabinet of one of the most curious authors that ever writ . it is felicity it self painted under the character of orata , for so do's cicero call him , and here follows a faithful translation of what he recounts concerning his happiness . nothing was wanting in orata , ( a man extremely rich , very polite , and very delicate ) of all that contributes to make a man live voluptuously , and to make him be loved , and to enjoy a perfect and entire health . for he possessed a very plentiful fortune in the finest country in the world ; he had always store of friends about him , serviceable , pleasant and diverting ; and he dexterously managed every thing to the best advantage of life . and to comprehend all in a few words , his designs met always as happy a success , and as favourable an accomplishment as man could wish . i don't believe that there is any thing to be blamed in this condition , provided no sudden change befalls it . we must therefore conclude orata to be perfectly happy , if he can still continue in the fortunate state , wherein we have shew'd him . thus i have given you , unless i am mistaken , a portraicture that very well resembles the first design which i was to lay before you ; and which you mistook for a work of fancy , and the product of mere imagination . now let us turn the tables ▪ and find out some miserable wretches to oppose to this orata . let us compare to him , if you please , some of those infortunate persons , whom we behold on the antient theatre ; one of whom judges himself too criminal to weild the scepter of the greeks ; who is afraid to dishonour the race of pelops , from whence he owns himself descended ; who dares not shew himself before men , who dares not enter the temples . let us compare to him another of the same rank , who making signs to his friends not to approach him , looks upon himself to be so unfortunate , that he is apprehensive , lest his very shadow should prove contagious . or rather let us think no more of atreus and thyestes ; let us forget their crimes , the remembrance of which still inspires us with horrour ; let us not cast our eyes any longer upon a family which has forced the sun to go backward ; and which has furnished hell with one of its most famous punishments . — occultè noxitudo obliteretur pelopidum . let us rather chuse heroes , but persons full as unhappy as the off-spring of tantalus . let the son of amphiareus make his entrance , frighted with visions , and demanding help against the furies that press him . what do i see ! whence do these flames arise ! from gaping tombs they seem to strike my eyes . oh help me to put out this cruel fire , in whose embraces i shall soon expire . at me their whips the restless furies shake , their angry snakes a dreadful consort make . see , see , they come ! i feel the pointed pain , and in my labouring soul unruly tempests reign . and after alcmeon has made us see the tortures of conscience , and pressures of the soul ; let philoctetes entertain us with the miseries to which he finds himself reduced ; let him speak , let him complain of his ill fortune . do's he not paint out a very wretched person when he says ? who e'er thou art , in what e'er country known , whom winds upon the lesbian shore have thrown . pity a wretch , abondon'd by his stars , who for the space of nine revolving years has been devoured by sicknesses , and cares . behold these cliffs , whose tops invade the sky : here tortur'd with my pains i piece-meal die . view but the frightful horrors of this place : the scene of all my sorrows and disgrace , where robb'd of glory , to a rock confin'd , i bear all plagues of body and of mind . and my keen arrows for the birds prepare : their plumes my raiment , and their flesh my fare . after this let him shew us the pains of the body ; when his ulcer being inflamed he despairs , he bemoans himself in these following lines : alass ! what friend to ease me of my pain , will kindly send me headlong to the main . now , now , quick shootings all my sinews tear , what racks , what torments can with this compare ? a raging vlcer angry heaven did send ; which an eternal feaver does attend . thus in complaints the day , in groans the night i spend . or if these misfortunes are not sufficicient , let us heap together , as ovid has done , all the plagues , all the calamities that old fables afford us ; and wish they may light upon one single person , and then judge whether his condition is happier than that of orata , or of the famous vatia , who merited heretofore this exclamation , o vatia , you alone know what it is live ; and conclude all with an exclamation of the like nature ; o epicurus , you and only you know how to philosophize . from all these evident truths it is an easie matter to conclude , that pleasure is not only worthy the commendations of all men ; but that it is the sovereign good , and only end . nevertheless , since this first proposition makes the principal point in the doctrine of epicurus ; and as it is the truest , so it is also the most contested ; since i say we have begun to undeceive the enemies of this proposition , we ought to conclude with instructions , and leave the truth of this opinion so well established in their minds , that they shall have no occasion to question it , without being guilty of the greatest injustice . that they may therefore submit to so catholick a truth , i only desire them to turn their eyes on the side of nature ; the effects of which are reasonable , and the experiences certain . they will not only find that it authorises what we have asserted ; but it will likewise give them such clear , such visible demonstrations of it , that unless they hoodwink themselves on purpose , they must be forced to submit to it . let them consider what this common mother does in the birth of animals ; that is to say , in its perfect purity and before its corruption . they will soon observe that it inspires them with the love of pleasure , and an aversion to pain ; that it carries them towards what pleases them , and teaches them to avoid what would hurt them ; that it instructs them ( if i may be allowed the expression ) both in what is good and what is bad ; and when they attain the former , she causes them to rejoice , and be satisfied with it . this is the reason why our philosopher following the dictates of nature , pronounces a voluptuous life to be the end of man ; but does not give himself the trouble to prove so obvious a proposition . as he imagined there was no necessity of force of reason to perswade people that fire is hot , that snow is white , and that hony is sweet , because they are all sensible things ; so he believed , that to make men comprehend the love of pleasure , which may easily be known by the effects of nature , there was occasion for no more than a bare observation of these effects , and an ordinary reflection . nevertheless , though we have nature on our side , that is to say , an infallible decision ; though we find in our souls a natural inclination to avoid evil , and to follow pleasure ; though the very beginnings of our desires , of our disgusts , and of all our actions , derive their original from pleasure and pain ; yet because some philosophers pretend that pain ought not to be reckoned amongst evils , nor pleasure amongst things that are good , and that to establish this opinion they bring abundance of plausible arguments , we must not so strongly rely upon our own opinions , as we ought to keep up to the simple truth . we must therefore produce reasons in behalf of epicurus's doctrine , and show that reason as well as nature is of his side . and in effect in those philosophers that have condemn'd this pleasure had well considered her before-hand ; if they had throughly known her before they attack'd her , they would easily have discovered , that it was not she they meant ; that they were mistaken in their invectives , and only rejected her out of a consideration of those pains that sometimes attend her ; they would have perceived that those pains did not proceed from her , but from the irregularities of those persons that use her ill . and then they had never decryed her after so furious a manner . for they must be forced to acknowledge , that there is not one single person in the world that hates pleasure , as it is pleasure ; or loves pain , meerly as it is pain . now because those that abuse the most innocent pleasures , do afterwards feel a great deal of torment and uneasiness , and that on the other hand , there are certain times when labour and pain produce and prepare some sort of pleasures : this hath been the reason , that these philosophers , who only considered the consequences of an ill managed pleasure , and the advantages of a profitable and necessary labour , have effaced the former out of the number of good things , and then placed pain amongst those that are desirable . but now it is high time to employ all our forces to carry our enterprizes . this is the hour we ought to combat in good earnest , that so we may obtain a glorious victory . it is not our business here to defend pleasure , nor to consider it as the sovereign good of humane life : we must elevate her above the throne of virtue itself that disputes this title with her ; and although we don't banish this virtue from it , whereof we make profession , we must nevertheless constrain her to resign the first place to pleasure . in short , as all the philosophers in the world are agreed , that the ultimate end a man ought to propose to himself here , is a quiet and agreeable life ; several of them have been mistaken in placing this life in virtue , and not in pleasure ; and suffered themselves to be led aside by the gaudy splendor of a name that imposes upon them , without considering a truth which nature it self forces them to own . for certain it is , if they would but consult and believe her , they would confess that these same virtues , which they are used to call magnificent and pompous , are no farther to be esteem'd than as they contribute to pleasure ; and consequently that not being courted for their own sake , they ought not to be preferred to the motive from which they receive all their merit , and all their value . 't is after the same manner that we approve physick , not upon the account of the art , but because of our health ; and the skill of pilots deserves commendation for no other reason , but the great utility of navigation . after the same manner we should not desire wisdom , which we may call the art of life , if it were not serviceable to us , and did not ●irectly lead us to the possession of plea●ure . there is no necessity to repeat in this place what this pleasure is ; or to desire you once more not to despise this name , which men have corrupted . you know well enough how severe epicurus makes it ; and you ought to own to me that it is no disgrace for wisdom to yield to it , and to be respected only for her sake . we will confess to you likewise on our side , that unless a man is a philosopher he cannot be happy , and that wisdom is the only way to arrive at pleasure . in a word , the weakness of humane of nature labouring under the ignorance good and evil ; floating generally between these two things , without being able to discern them , and often chusing with joy what it ought to have studiously avoided ; in so strange a blindness it so happens that men instead of the felicity they desire , get at a farther distance from it ; that they become miserable instead of finding themselves satisfied ; and that in exchange of the pleasures they proposed to meet , they plunge themselves in sorrows that torment and trouble them . it is necessary therefore that a right application of wisdom should draw them out of so miserable a condition , that its light shou'd direct them in this wretched darkness , that its force should deliver them from the servitude of wicked desires , unjust terrours , and rash opinions , and in imitation of hercules clear an open passage for them through so many monsters , and safely conduct them to pleasure . wisdom alone performs these great things like a faithful , generous guide ; she removes the difficulties of the way where she leads us . 't is not sufficient that we don't wander ; what is more , we must march in security with her ; and while the winds and the sea overwhelm those poor vessels that sail without her conduct , others that are steer'd by her enter the harbour without fearing the tempest . 't is in this harbour that a wise man finds pleasure . here it is that he quietly contemplates the pains of other men ; that he discovers all the impertinent errours wherewith their weakness is persecuted ; that he observes with what eagerness they strive to satisfy their passions ; that he sees them press forward in throngs towards him , that shall advance himself highest in power , riches , and fortune . certare ingenio , contendere nobilitate , noctes atque dies niti praestante labore ad summas emergere opes , rerúmque potiri . and that he crys out , having considered all these things , o miseras hominum mentes ! o pectora coeca ! qualibus in tenebris vitoe , quantísque periclis degitur hoc aevi quodcunque est ! as for himself , nothing disquiets , nothing molests , nothing troubles him . he is happy , he follows nature , he enjoys a perfect felicity ; and in this situation , gives thanks to wisdom , which procured him this pleasure . let us act like him , if we have a mind to be happy like him ; let us cast our selves into the arms of this wisdom , let us endeavour to arrive at this pleasure , let us suppress those ill desires that rob us of it : they are insatiable and dangerous ; they don't only ruin private persons , they destroy whole families ; they ravage kingdoms , they occasion hatred , division , discord , sedition , and war ; they tyrannize over those souls that nourish them , and if we carefully examine the poets , we shall find that by the torments of the damned they had a mind to represent those persons whom these inward plagues afflict . cui vultur jecur ultimum pererrat , et pectus trahit , intimásque sibras , non est quem tytium vocant poetae , sed cordis mala , livor , atque luxus . and thus , since by the only assistance of wisdom we are able to crush these vipers ; since she alone instructs how to resist fortune , and that through her means we arrive to obtain tranquillity , why should we fear to conclude that she is not desirable , but only as she creates pleasure , and secures us from pain ? we must say the same thing of temperance , and not desire her only for herself ; but because she preserves that peace , that serenity in our souls , without which we cannot be happy , and by the concord she inspires appeases our trouble , and gives us pleasure . 't is this virtue that always comes to the relief of wisdom : 't is she that puts in execution what the other does only resolve ; and as that shows us what we are to avoid , and what we are to follow , this stops us in our career when we go against the counsels of the other , and believe our senses rather than our reason . 't is the oridle that keeps us in , when we are posting towards any unlawful pleasure ; the hand that surely conducts us to the way of truth . in short , 't is the virtue without which we can neither be happy nor wise . and in truth what advantage is it to know what is good , if we are too feeble to put it in practice ? to what purpose is it to see a precipice , if we suffer our selves to tumble down it ? to give wisdom leave to speak , but not to permit her to act ? the generality of men are reduced to this pass . all of them conclude in favour of wisdom , but don't know how to live up to what they have concluded . they know that there are pleasures the consequences of which are dangerous , and severely prohibited by our epicurus : but they laugh at the prohibitions of this philosopher , and abandon themselves to the tyranny of their disorderly passions . they resemble the unfortunate phaedria in terence , and his character , as it is drawn by that excellent man , suits them all from the highest to the lowest . this outrageous lover is sensible that he should do a foolish action in endeavouring to set himself at rights with his mistress . he knows she 's a coquette , and that himself is miserable . this gives him disturbance ; this makes him uneasie . but to what purpose ? he does not amend his condition . he still suffers his love to controll him ; and at that very instant when he sees himself ready to perish , at that very instant he perishes deliberately . 't is certain that phaedria does not want wisdom ; he only want temperance . he knows well enough what measures he ought to take to be at ease , but does not put them in execution . he sees what is best for himself , and approves it , but for all that follows what is worse . behold now the manners of those men , whom we describe , admirably well exprest . behold an image of their thoughts and infirmities . behold how for want of true wisdom , it is impossible for them to find pleasure . you loose your labour when you tell them that the pleasure they pursue is unreasonable , that it is not necessary , that the privation of it does not cause any pain : in vain do you represent to them the sicknesses , the losses , the infamy that attend the enjoyment of it . in vain do you threaten them with the punishments of the laws , and the severity of the magistrates . you can tell them nothing but what they know , and what they are able to say upon occasion . what are they the better for all this ? they are slaves to that very folly they detest as well as you , and resemble the greek philosophers who were allowed the liberty to make a great parade of those very virtues they never practised . besides these , there is another race of men who in truth are not philosophers , but for all that manage their cause with a world of spirit and vivacity . these people , whom we may properly call the prophaners of the pleasure of epicurus , will by no means be perswaded to acknowledg temperance for a virtue , but after their imperious way pretend that all happiness depends on mere fancy . it is not worth the while to enter into a solemn dispute with such unreasonable creatures as they are . the severest return one can make them is to leave them at liberty to do as they desire . 't is sufficient for us to know that their opinion is false , and that true felicity consists only in those desires which flow from temperance . for 't is not only a miserable thing to desire what is dishonest , but 't is infinitely more advantageous not to obtain what we desire , than to obtain what we cannot desire without shame . in this view 't is better to be of the opinion of that antient , who passing his judgment of camillus that was banished out of rome , while manlius was master there , preferr'd the exile of the virtuous refugee to the splendor of the dishonest citizen . now in truth those that study temperance , and manage the fruition of pleasure with that discretion that they find no after-claps ; those certainly may call themselves happy , and deserve the title of wise men. their pleasures are durable , because they are regular ; and all their life is calm and serene , because it is innocent . they have no inclination to run after forbidden pleasures ; nay , their felicity consists in abstaining from them . they sometimes embrace pain , but then 't is done with a design to avoid a greater . the use they make of wisdom is by her means to attain to a state of tranquillity ; and this makes it clear , that there is no other way to enjoy this pleasure , wherein epicurus supposes the sovereign good to consist , but by the means of virtue . you would be amazed , and perhaps angry , if examining the rest of the virtues , and bringing them to the touchstone of pleasure , i should maintain that valour depends upon her no less than wisdom and temperance ; and that this virtue that dares encounter lions , that despises danger , and that without any concern or emotion could behold the entire ruin of the world , produces nothing illustrious but only as it regards pleasure , and flows from no other source than it . for in the first place we ought to take it for granted , that the fatigues we undergo , and the pains we sustain , have nothing in them to induce us to court them , if we view them simply , and separate them from other considerations : that industry and diligence , so much commended in affairs of life , and that valour itself , of which we are now talking , are never put in execution but for some design and motive . this is not all ; we may affirm , that these things have been introduced merely for the ease of life , and that the only reason we follow them is , that we may live without trouble and fear ; that we may free , as much as in us lies , our body and our mind from those maladies and vexations which may afflict it , and to taste with greater serenity that indolence which makes one part of epicurus's pleasure . and indeed how can you expect a man should live happy when he perpetually fears death ? how can you imagine the famous sicilian , whose name is upon record , should taste any pleasure in the midst of his feasting and musick , if he everlastingly dreads the falling of the sword , that threatens his head , and his diadem . is it not an aggravation of misery to faint under our pains , and not to have courage enough to suffer those misfortunes , which 't is not in our power to avoid ? this weakness of mind has it not led abundance of people to those extremities that are a disgrace and scandal to humane nature ? what was it in your opinion that gave occasion to the poets to turn hecuba into a mad bitch , but the grief that overcame her , and constrained her to imitate the fury of those creatures ? had she supprest and conquered her grief , or had she at least endeavoured to forget those subjects that occasioned it , without question she had never passed from tears to despair , and from despair to rage . listen i pray to the complaints she makes . observe how by representing to herself the miserable condition she finds herself in at present , and from what a heigth she is fallen ; how by this conduct , i say , she feeds her sorrow upon the stage , and of her own accord provokes the motions of that rage which is ready to seize her . oh the severe oppressions of my grief ! what place can give me refuge or relief ? to what far distant region shall i run the wild disorders of my soul to shun ? unhappy troy , our late delight and pride , by grecian fraud and malice lies destroyed . tell me , ye gods , where i my steps must bend ? who will a poor despairing queen befriend ? prest by my wants , wandring from place to place , while meager famine stares me in the face . see how th' insulting argive flame devours those shrines that once receiv'd the heavenly powers . if the proud flames their temples will not spare , but sacred piles the common fate must share . after this she remembers herself of the beauty of these structures , and the riches of asia , in order to raise her own grief , and that of the spectators ; for who is it that can avoid being sensibly touched with this discourse ? must ilium then , the scene of all my joys , must all this wealth be made a grecian prize . the rich aspiring mansions of the gods , worthy their names , their presence , and abodes , and glitt'ring roofs — or what heart would she not inspire with horror and pity , when she thus goes on ? all this i saw consum'd by impious fire , and priam by a barb'rous hand expire . ●ove's altar with the royal victim stain'd , and hector's blood by common dust prophan'd ; nor was this all . but my prevailing miseries to crown , from a high tower his son thrown head-long down . so that i don 't at all wonder if the people of rome were strangely affected when they heard these verses repeated ; or if when i read them my self i cannot forbear the tribute of a few tears . to say the truth , hecuba had great reason to complain of her ill destiny , she had lost her husband , her son , her kingdom and her liberty . if she had beheld these calamities without lamenting them , she had been insensible ; and we should be inhumane , if after so many losses we should hinder her tears . but then , after she had for some time wept , we should not be at all unjust to prescribe bounds to her grief , to regulate her complaints and her sorrow ; and lastly , to advise her to oppose strength of reason to that of despair . some persons that are touched with her complaints may perhaps alledge in her justification , that those who would limit her grief , and not suffer it to exceed its first motions , would resign themselves up to it till the very last moments of their life , if they once shared with her those misfortunes the weight of which they can only conjecture : and that our philosophy which speaks of nothing less than conquests and triumphs , would faint under such a pressure of calamities , if it saw them present and inevitable . now , for my part i wish a perpetual sunshine of prosperity to so tender , so melting a man as this is : for no doubt on 't , if any disgrace happens to him , he will discover his infirmities very plentifully : on this condition that by way of requital to me for my wish he will dispense with me for not believing what he says , nor oblige me to judge of the strength of philosophy by the weakness of his reason . for without losing any time to refute word by word this sort of reasoning , which can obtain credit no where but amongst effeminate men ; i shall content my self to convince those persons that make use of it by two known examples that ought to overwhelm them with confusion . these examples are drawn from two persons , whom their age and their sex ought to render extremely feeble ; but who notwithstanding all this weakness preserved such a presence of mind , that i shall despair to find the like among the philosophers . let us consider astianax and polixena as they are going to die : one is a boy , the other a young maid . the greeks had condemned both of them to death . observe vlysses , who advances first leading the former by the hand , and marching hastily to throw him down the precipice . but see the child does not follow him with less assurance . — sublimi gradu incedit ithacus , parvulum dextrâ trahens priami nepotem , nec gradu segni puer ad alta pergit moenia . — consider that amongst all those that accompany him and weep for him , he is the only person whose eyes are dry , and who refuses to pay tears to his own death . observe that whilst these barbarous executioners invoke the gods to this bloody sacrifice , he throws himself headlong from the tower , from the top of which they were to cast him , and voluntarily puts an end to that life which he had scarce begun . but now turn your eyes on the other side ; for by this time polixena is placed upon achilles's tomb , and only waits the fatal blow which is to appease the anger of the greeks , and to rejoyn her soul to that of her parents . admire her beauty that still appears so charming and so serene . her countenance is not at all changed with the apprehensions of death . on the other hand this sun , which is going to set for ever , seems to receive a new splendor at the last moments of its light . nay there is something in her air more bold and undaunted than her sex , and her present circumstances ought to promise . and to do her right she is not content to wait the blow , for without avoiding it she goes to meet it with an heroick bravery . conversa ad ictum stat truci vultu ferox . and when pyrrhus has given her the cruel stroke , it seems that her last action is an action of courage , that she does not suffer herself to fall upon the sepulchre of achilles , but with a design to make the earth lie more heavy upon him , and to revenge herself upon him even as she dies . tell me now freely , is it not a shame for hecuba to see her children more couragious than herself ? tell me whether it looks well for her to shed so many tears , when astianax and polyxena die without shedding any ? tell me whether you don't think these two persons infinitely happy in comparison of this miserable creature ? or if you have nothing to say for her , confess at last with us , that she has too little courage in her misfortunes , and that she wanted strength of mind to resent them less cruelly . now if it be true that weakness is the only thing that renders our misfortunes insupportable to us , and which causing us to abandon the helm in the most violent tempests makes us suffer shipwrack in those places where we might have rode securely ; ought we not to search after this strength of mind to serve us instead of an anchor , to oppose it to the fury of the wind and water , and preserve us from the violence of the storm ? we ought to sustain our selves by this pillar , which serves as the basis to pleasure , and to joyn this virtue to temperance and wisdom ; and that we may live in repose and in a privation of misery , believe that by her influence a couragious persevering spirit is above all pain and ill fortune ; since it despises death , and is so prepared for pain that it always reshembers itself that death is the remedy of the most violent ones ; that the lesser have abundance of good intervals , and that it is the master of the ordinary ones . matters being thus , we ought to say that we don't blame cowardise and weakness , as also that we don't practise temperance and valour for their own particular respect ; but that we are to reject the former , and desire the latter , because those foment griefs , but these preserve us from them . it only remains now for us to examine justice , and then we shall have dispatched the principal virtues . but these things one may say on this chapter are almost the same with the preceding ones , and justice is no less united to pleasure , than prudence , temperance and fortitude , which cannot be separated from it . in effect this virtue is so far from bringing any uneasiness to our mind , that by its influence and power it perpetually nourishes in them those sentiments that render them quiet , and never leaves us without this hope , that we can want nothing that nature desires , as long as she is not corrupted . and after the same manner that folly , intemperance , want of resolution incessantly torment , plague and afflict us ; so injustice no sooner enters the soul , but it throws her into disorder and confusion , and makes her unfortunate even when she does not make her criminal . for if an unjust man suffers himself to commit some wicked action , although he commits it after such a manner , that neither the sun nor men can give any testimony of it , yet he can never assure himself that it will be always kept private ; and for all the obscurity of the night that covered it , he will still be under terrible apprehensions that truth will at last discover it . suspicion commonly follows the actions of the wicked ; and though the judges should never concern themselves with them , yet their own conscience forces them to betray themselves . but if any person believes that their riches , their power and authority shall secure them from the injustice of men , and place them above the laws , and out of the reach of punishment , yet they can never cover themselves from the divine justice . they never lift up their eyes to heaven , but their conscience alarms them with horrour , and the cruel inquietudes that devour them without intermission , are the secret executioners of that punishment which the divinity makes them endure . for what power , what wealth , when they are injustly obtain'd , can so far diminish the difficulties of this life , but at the same time remorse of conscience , fear of punishment , the hatred of mankind augment them infinitely more ? these ill , these unlawful remedies don't they often turn to poyson ? and what we have sometimes chose to extinguish our sorrow , has it not made it burn with greater fury and vehemence ? are there not prodigious numbers of persons that don't know how to prescribe limits to their desire of being more rich , of having more honours , of reigning more absolutely , of living more voluptuously , of feasting more deliciously , and of carrying their evil inclinations too far ? and don 't we see that the mighty heap their extortion and their avarice has amassed together , instead of satisfying their unreasonable appetites , does but inflame them still the more , and that these people has more need to be corrected by the laws , than inflamed by remonstrances . reason therefore invites all men that have their judgment sound , to preserve justice which the laws have established . equity which derives its original from nature , and which may properly be called the knot of civil society , tells us plainly enough , that an unjust action ought never to be committed , neither by those that are weak , because they would attempt it without success ; nor by the powerful , because after the business is compleated , they would not find repose , nor this accomplishment of their desires . in short , she forces us to own that justice is not desirable for it self , but because it gives us a world of satisfaction , makes our life more assured , and our pleasure more accomplished . now if the praise of virtue it self , on which subject principally the other philosophers have employed their most magnificent discourses , produces no other effect than delight or pleasure ; and if this pleasure alone , which is the end of all the virtues , calls us to itself , and attracts us by its proper nature , we may fafely conclude , that she is the soveraign good ; and the most perfect of all other , and no longer doubt but that a happy life is that which epicurus has taught us . oh holy and severe pleasure ! o admirable philosophy ! what misfortune was it that decry'd you amongst men ? who is it that drew upon you the aversion of so many virtuous persons that knew you not ? who has hindered them to see that their virtues are owing to you , and that they speak injuriously of you , at the same time you contribute to their felicity . but happy the men who have been of the sect of that wise man that followed you : happy those who have imitated him : happy even those who being born in an age , when many believe that vice and the pleasure of epicurus are but one and the same thing , have had understanding enough to discover the contrary , and have at least force of mind sufficient to defend it , if they have not courage enough to practise it . chap. i. of the vse of life . by mr. savage of the inner-temple . that a man ought to apply himself to a diligent search after happiness , since it is wholly in his power to augment his ioys , and diminish his miseries . after having a long time reflected on the condition of men , i have found but two things that can reasonably deserve the care of a wise man : the first is the study of virtue , which makes a man honest ; and the second , the vse of life , which renders him content , if he can possibly become such ; or at least less unhappy , if he cannot deliver himself from his troubles . 't is true , that 't is but folly to think of soveraign good here below : all the idea's that ancient philosophers have given of it , are but confused images of that which might fill the vast capacity of our desires ; and the uncertainty of their opinions which varied so often on this matter , makes us easily see how doubtful this happiness was which they promis'd us nevertheless with so great pride and ostentation . in effect , the perpetual motion of things of this world , the continual revolutions of our minds , and the inconstancy of our passions , will not permit us to establish a fixt repose and tranquility of life : and when i consider the inability of objects to content us , and the weakness of our own senses to receive their impressions , then i renounce all vain pursuits of this false happiness ; and i am not very far from entring into a general neglect of all things . for what sweets are there in the world which are not mixt with bitter ? are not our senses often interupted in their functions by the disorder of our organs ? and has not our mind its unsteadiness from the same disturbance ? a disease , a winter , a bad day , and sometimes less than any of these , changes us , and all things relating to us : and tho' there were no alteration in us , or any thing about us , in the most easie scituation our soul can be plac'd in , and with the best constitution that a body can have , 't is certain we are incapable of tasting a pure and true content . neither the conversation of virtuous men , which gives us the most agreeable satisfaction ; nor the delicacies of a feast , nor the charms of musick , which create the most sensible pleasures , have ever had power to give me a greater relish of delight than my imagination promis'd me : and i may truly say , that amongst the greatest liberties of my senses , i have enjoyed the pleasure with so little confinement , that ordinarily i have meditated upon my most serious affairs . the divertisement of the theatre , whither we see so many people flock dayly , has it created any true delights in its most profest followers ? for my part , i could never see the most part of them without being tired ; and the best plays , which seem'd to ravish all the audience , have had no other power over me , than to make me grieve for the misfortunes of a heroine who suffered no more , what afflicted me ; or for those of some imaginary heroe , whose false griefs drew from me true tears , and filled me with indignation against my self . neither the beauty of the tuilleries which enchant all eyes , nor the magnificences of courts , adorn'd with the glorious confusion of haughty equipages , nor the most shining assemblies of the fairest ladies , nor shews , nor balls , nor art , nor riot , nor riches , can give a full satisfaction to any man in this world. those that frequent but seldom publick representations , are as it were forbid 'em , and cannot digest the hurly burly of these great divertisements ; those that visit 'em osten are insensible of 'em ; and both together through extasie or stupidity , cannot peaceably enjoy their charms . those who out of the abundance of all things flatter their minds with whatever is excellent , do not they give us marks of their melancholly amidst their pleasures , complaining ( as it were ) that excess of delights rendered 'em odious . but if ever any man desired to be happy , it must be granted 't was that great prince who had wisdom his lot , without ever burthening his mind with chimera's , he carried himself to the search of solid good ; his abilities gain'd him immediate possession . every thing succeeded according to his wishes ; and the enjoyment always followed close his desires : nevertheless he declared , that he found so much vanity in pleasures , that he could scarce forbear to hate life , and to have in abhorrence his very being . then we must conclude there is no perfect happiness for man here below ; and ought rather to think of defending our selves against the mischiefs that oppress us , than to sigh after a bliss that is out of our reach . but although it be true , that we cannot find in this life the imaginary happiness we look after , yet we ought not to wish for death , nor abandon our selves , as through despair , to our miseries : for thence springs our ordinary folly , to look for happiness where we cannot find it , and to overlook it when it is under our hands . our pleasures are short , 't is true , and they are not freed from gall ; but as they are pleasures they overweigh our sorrows ; and 't is one of the greatest vses of life , to manage 'em with address . as we ought to be capable to support the ill , so we ought also to know how to enjoy the good ; we ought to have it equally in our power to lull asleep our senses for grief , as to awaken 'em for pleasure ; for temperance is far removed from all excess : she is no less an enemy of excessive fasting , than excessive debauchery ; and he that should suffer himself to die with hunger , would as much offend her laws , as he that should choak himself with too much eating . madmen that we are , always complaining of the rigours of our birth , the uncertainty of our life , and the misery of our death ; nevertheless we every day add new miseries to the old ; and it looks as if we were only rational to render our selves the more wretched . this sort of conduct is very different from that of the wiseman we mention'd just before ▪ he made , as it were , an essay of all things of this world , for which we have the most ardent desires , and presently knew the vanity of them : but yet he did not suffer himself to go to a general disgust of all things that he had lookt after ; but remaining always in the same station , he enjoyed peaceably his pleasures . but let 's return to our subject , and see how we ought to manage the good and the evil for the vse of life . chap. ii. of the existence of god. when i make an exact reflection upon all my life , i acknowledg i have had sorrows and satisfactions according to the different opinions i had a mind to assume : my thoughts have as well created my griefs as my ioys ; and i have always found within my self the source of my miseries or happiness . i 'll not dissemble my thoughts , the persuasion of a deity , and the uncertainty of our condition after death , have many times very much intrench'd upon my repose ; and in these moments of confusion , i consider'd that all our watchings , all our knowledg , all our employs , our profits , and our honours , must end in death ; and that none of those things being eternal , we ought to search elsewhere for refuge . but i often suffered my soul to think licentiously of these things ; and not respecting enough the first truth , i met with nothing but doubts and difficulties about the immortality of the soul. and as i always relied in this affair , upon the reasons of other men , so i could never have certain notions ; and the confusion of the different opinions of our authors , gave me insupportable uneasinesses ; never were my mind and conscience of one opinion . i was constrain'd to suffer the shocks of these two parties which combated incessantly within me ; and nothing equal'd my disquiet so much , as the difficulty to resolve the question which was the subject . at length finding my self foil'd by all this forreign assistance , i was resolv'd to rerire within my self , and consult my own thoughts ; as those sick men do , who finding themselves abus'd by the ignorance of their physicians , undertake to cure themselves . 't was here i cut off commerce with all books , where i never found any thing but difficulties and uncertainties . 't was here i resolv'd to consider with my self , and consult my own opinion upon the structure of the universe , and the admirable order and symmetry which reigns in all things . and when i consider'd the heavens , the greatness of those wonderful vaults filled me with astonishment , and with i know not how awful a respect ! the beauty of the stars , the silence and the solitude of the night , pierc " d me with such a secret horror as dispos'd me insensibly to religion . can it be possible , said i to my self , that the motions of the spheres , so just and regular , should not have an intelligent being for their author ? if these wonderful globes know and govern themselves , are they not the gods who command the world as they please ? and if they suffer the controul of some superior power , who can sway these fearful machines but a supream hand ? who can move these huge bodies but an unaccountable force ? who can reconcile their various motions but an infinite wisdom ? this glorious sun , continu'd i , which shines equally upon all men , could it ever give us its light by chance ? and that exquisite proportion that we may observe in it , could it ever proceed but from an eternal wisdom ? after these meditations i consider'd the perpetual disagreement of the elements ; and i could never enough admire that happy war which entertains the world with so many wonderful motions . but above all , i made my reason give place , and my whole soul bend to that prodigy of the flux and reflux of the sea. the vast extent of waters amaz'd me . but when i came to consider , that the most threatning billows broke against the smallest rocks , and that having no sooner met 'em , but in despight of all their forwardness , they were oblig'd to return with violence into themselves ; 't was here that i cry'd out , transported with wonder , and seiz'd with astonishment : the sea eternally does roar , it s angry billows beat the passive shoar . but mounds of sand their might restrain , and force them to their watry realms again . neptune with indignation sees his waves ingloriously retreat : then from the conquering cliffs he flies , and murmurs at his shame , and sighs at his defeat . at last , when i had sufficiently consider'd of these objects , i took great pleasure to descend into my self , and there to observe the structure of an humane body , and to contemplate all the springs that move this admirable machine . i reflected upon the disposition of so many differing parts , and yet all necessary to the composition and conservation of our bodies ; as bones , nerves , muscles , blood and spirits . i consider'd the marvellous oeconomy of all these parts , and cry'd out with admiration , poor man ! who knowst not these things but by means of thy senses ; nevertheless , canst thou boast thy self author of so excellent a work , thou who understoodst it not till after 't was made ? and must all the parts be expos'd to thy eyes to give thee the least insight ? 't is certain , that the experience of many ages has made thee comprehend the cause of thy living , digestion , motion , &c. and yet in despight of thy most exact observations , thou dost not know it but after a very imperfect manner . on the other side , casting my eyes on the rest of creatures , i examin'd , with admiration , the different figures of animals , the scales of fish , the feathers of birds , the furs of beasts , and all those things which regarded without attention , represent nothing distinctly to the mind , but sensibly discovered to me the greatest wonders in nature : for , call that destiny , nature , knowledge , or divinity , which creates and governs all below , yet is it not always a soveraign power ? is it not always an infinite wisdom ? then i remain'd confounded , to think where i had been ; and i could never enough wonder at the malice of the wicked , or the blindness of the unbelieving : for a man must altogether forget himself , and lose the knowledge of all things , before he loses that of his creator . on whatever part we cast our eyes , we presently perceive the character of the divinity ; and whoever studies nature throughly , shall find sensible proofs of the power on which it depends . but we have some lazy would-be-wits now a-days , always bent to the imitation of others , who , without ever examining themselves , or considering of the matter , espouse the cause of impiety , only to be thought partners with some famous libertines . there are also some men , who by an extravagant reach of soul , will in nothing depend on their maker ; imagining , that the obedience which they should pay to this infinite majesty , would take away the freedom of their opinions . not but that we see sometimes the best and most knowing men in the world fall under some sort of incredulity or doubt . but these do not give themselves the trouble to discover an eternal intelligence by the order of the vniverse . their curiosity drives them to consider what is possible to be ; and after having stunn'd their understanding with those infinite qualities which the soul of man cannot comprehend , they oftentimes become incredulous , because they cannot reconcile the sentiments of their conceptions to those of their conscience . now as we ought to laugh at sots , and abhor the wicked , i think that we ought to have compassion for the last , and to pity 'em , only because they are miserable . some people are upon the rack to perswade themselves to believe that which they cannot comprehend . others attack heaven it self , through a fearful malice , and blaspheme a god whose power they do not understand : so as they are always in trouble and despair ; and after having been toss'd by the fury of impiety , they find themselves torn by the remorse of their own conscience , especially when the light forsakes 'em , and the company which upholds 'em , leaves 'em in the desart of solitude . there is no passion so tormenting but they feel the sting on 't ; fear , trouble , disquiet and madness torture 'em by turns . it were better for their quiet , if they never thought , than to have but the least commerce with their conscience ; for nothing equals the torments of the wicked . if some lewd blasphemies he pours , in endless pains he spends the conscious hours . hagg'd by the ghastly image of his sin , no safe retreat without , no peace within . he flyes the day , he fears the night , he runs from truth 's all searching light . his conscience too would leave behind , but in himself both iudge and torturer does find . the unbelieving , though they are not altogether so faulty , are not less miserable . tbey hunt after , with difficulty , a thing they never find , and at every turn accufe nature of being cruel only in regard of man. thence proceeded the complaints of that great man , who envy'd the advantage which beasts enjoy'd , of living in a commodious ignorance of all things , without disquieting themselves with a search after any truth . thence also proceeds the discontent of those men who cannot think , without envying those of other countries ; nor see any beast in the sweetness of his repose , without envying the tranquility that nature has bestow'd on him . it is then certain , that the belief of a god makes the best foundation of all pleasures ; and the opinion we have of him , never suffers a man to be without satisfaction in his prosperity , and comfort in his adversity . a mind well ordered does not only tast delights in the enjoyment of a good it receives , it also finds dainties to thank its benefactor for ; and every reflection it makes upon 'em is a new subject of satisfaction . 't is to god we must have recourse in afflictions ; and there is no anguish so great , but it may be sweetned by a total resignation to his providence . then let every one judge how much religion imports us , how much it advantages us to acknowledg god , and to submit our selves to his will , as well in consideration of our duty , as for the interest of our repose . chap. iii. that we ought to restrain the violence of our appetites , by considering the true worth of those things we desire . i find nothing more profitable , and more important to any one that has a mind to taste true content in this life , than to oppose his greatest inclinations , and reduce his desires to those simple motions which we call wishes . nevertheless , as there is no man but has some particular inclination and favourite passion , so it is not an easie thing to come to an indifference : but one may , notwithstanding , weaken ones chains ; for there are no bonds so strong which reason and experience cannot break in time . in effect , as the sweetest objects have their call , so there is no doubt but the heart looses much of the force of its desires by some disgust . at such a time a man lifts himself insensibly up above the world , the pleasures that he was wont to hunt after with so much earnestness , then appear insipid to him . he then sees how much it imports him to understand the true price of glory ; what pain , or what satisfaction one finds in knowledg , that so we may not attempt any thing we may repent of ; or expect any thing we cannot hope to enjoy . with these prospects , is there any man whose reformation one ought to doubt of ? he that has been always us'd to submission and obedience , shall not he raise his desires to the glory of command ? the needy , shall not they establish their happiness in abundance , tho' they have been opprest with want ? a sluggard that suffers the reward of his idleness , and the remorses of a bad life , shall not he reckon him happy whom he sees in the esteem of all honest and good men ? those that are embarrass'd with a crowd will they not with for the quiet of the private ? the court and its pomp tires us ; the woods and the fields become uneasie to us : but whoever has not tasted fully of vexation , cannot easily be persuaded of its strange effects . in short , we may disgust our selves with our condition , but not with those we have never experienc'd . and see here the manner we ought to make use of on this occasion , to find the vanity of all things . although one has not all the riches , all the merit , all the fair qualities ; yet one may reflect on them who have acquir'd them by fortune or virtue , and discover the anxiety they labour under . we may see them then opprest with the same maladies subject as we to the same diseases that nature afflicts us with . we shall see a wise man not able to defend himself from humour and folly : an heroe fe●ble , full of defects , and as much a man as they which are below him . and the greatest originals of europe , as subject to particular weaknesses as the lesser copies . we shall find in the end , that 't is impossible to renounce nature , and to raise our selves above the condition that god has plac'd us in . for in truth there are no great men , if we compare 'em one with another , but they are in themselves weak , unequal , and deficient in some part or other . pomp and splendor do not satisfy all those whom they surround . the excess of delights palls our appetites oftner than it pleases ; and all the advantages of nature and fortune , join'd together , know not how to create a full and entire happiness . this confideration moderates the fierceness of our desires , and it may be will destroy those inclinations we have to the most sensible and pleasing objects : and then we shall search after our content without disquiet , enjoy it without eagerness ; and lose it without regret . chap. iv. of repvtation . by another hand . there is no passion which makes more unhappy people than this , which almost all men entertain for an universal esteem : for excepting some persons of truly heroical minds , who act only for the satisfaction of their conscience , and perhaps too for the approbation of good men , all the rest do that for noise , which ought to be done for virtue , and suffer themselves to be inchanted with the shadow and appearance of a thing , whose real body doth not so much as affect them . they would have all their actions be esteemed virtuous , but not that they should indeed be so ; they wish nothing more than the applause of the people , tho' in the midst of such a crowd and agitation 't is almost impossible to discern the truth ; and without considering the opinion of the wise , they suppose that all things are to be decided by numbers ; and that the sentiments of learned men , whom they are pleased to call fantastical persons , cannot eclipse their fame . the most ingenious demonstrate on this occasion a sufficient siness in their conduct ; for being satisfied with themselves , and having had the luck to content honest men by some essential quality , they accommodate themselves in a gross manner to the humour of the people , and gain the vulgar by outward shew and appearance . they commit voluntary fopperies to agree with real fops : they appear without parts to the stupid ; subile with intriguzing persons ; generous with men of honour ; and in a word adapt themselves to all sorts of characters with so dextrous a compliance , that one would say , their humour is that of all others . but besides that , in this way of proceeding we betray our proper sentiments , and that we oppose ourselves to the design of nature , which has made us more for our selves than for other men ; i don't observe that these persons with all their good-humour and complaisance , with all their feints and their dissimulations , ever arrive at the point which they propose to themselves . on the other side , i have known it a thousand times by experience , that those men who are so greedy of reputation , almost always lose it by that very irregularity and greediness with which they seek it ; and that nothing so much interrupts their design , as their excessive passion to obtain it . in effect , shew me the man who has at anytime had merit and good fortune sufficient to acquire an esteem truly general ? who is he that was ever powerful enough to suppress the calumnies of all his enemies ? and who is he that has been able , hitherto , to stop the mouth of envy ? i can certify , that i have known some persons so very agreeable , and so virtuous , that a man could not converse with them without admiration , and love . they made partisans even of their own enemies ; and one must have been brutal even to excess , either to withstand the charms of their conversation , or not to be won by the goodness of their nature . yet for all this , i have seen some envious devils oppose their malice to so conspicuous a virtue ; and according as they had either address or power , stop the course of an esteem so just , and so well established . now , since it is impossible to ca●ch this flying vapour , after which i see the whole world runs , what folly is it to labour to obtain it with so much application , and pains so ill rewarded ! besides this , a fop that desires this esteem with passion , and does not deserve it , cannot long enjoy it . a good man on the otherhand , soon makes reflections upon the weakness and frailty of this little good ; and feeling his miseries even through the applauses which are given to his felicity , he suffers disquiets and uneasinesses , when the world cries up his advantages and his happiness . verae gloriae cupidi nullâ ratione quiescere possunt , cum non inveniant unde possint aliquatenus gloriari . in effect , have not we seen a vespasian , who amongst all his magnificence and splendor , tired with the tediousness of the triumph , and sensible of the vanity of that glory for which the people flatter him , appear melancholly and sad ; nay , in the very festivals that were celebrated to thank the gods for his fortune and prosperity ? have not we seen that great and formidable king of sweden despise the acclamations of the people ? and reject the panegyricks of orators ? the duke of candale , whom we lately lost , regretted by all good men , had not he as great an aversion for this kind of esteem , as our ordinary courtiers express a zeal to procure it ? it is then undeniably true , that 't is impossible to acquire it , and that tho' we should obtain , yet the possession of it wou'd be absolutely unserviceable ; that as it depends less upon our selves , than upon fortune , it is found liable to her inconstancies ; that it is a noise which strikes nothing but the ear , and which cannot form a sensible impression upon a noble soul. if we have a mind then to labour for our happiness , let us endeavour to satisfy the minds of the wise , who are , 't is true , but few in number , but from whom we may receive real approbations . hatilius would not have a wise man hazard his life for the repose of fools : but since we owe our services and our selves to the advantage of our countrey , and the good of our friends , we ought always to do actions worthy of publick applause , and to despise that very renown , after we have once perform'd them . i would not , at the same time , advise such a sort of disinteressedness as should extend to the finding no satisfaction in the esteem we deserve ; but as censures follow approbations close at the heels , let us rebate the edge of malice , by withstanding those false praises which render it the more sensible to us ; let us take advantage of a good reputation , and not to be so sottishly stiff , as to forbid our selves all sort of complaisance relating to our own merits : and if the publick has unjust thoughts of us , let us appear from their opinion to the iudgment of the wise , and so retire within our selves to receive comfort from the testimony of our conscience . chap. v. of vexations and displeasures . by the same hand . t is one of the greatest secrets of life to know how to sweeten our troubles , and if we cannot get rid of our afflictions , at least to weaken the influences of them . without this we must resolve to be often miserable ; for being exposed to an infinite number of misfortunes , there hardly passes a day but presents us with a tast of some new unhappiness . now , i don't know any remedy so effectual for this purpose as foresight ; and whoever makes an exact reflection upon the disappointments and crosses of humane life , will find himself consolable at least in his severest disgraces . for , as 't is natural for us to make a vigorous defence against a premeditated assault , the soul which prepares it self for resistance , through the consideration of danger , is much less shaken and concern'd at it . i would have every one then so to foresee and expect all kinds of misfortunes , that they may not be surprised at whatever happens . let a happy courtier enjoy the favour of his prince , and possess , as long as it shall please him , the delights of his good fortune ; but let the example of so many falls dispose him to mistrust the firmness of his scituation ; let him not always raise his eyes , because he is at the top of the wheel , but humble them sometimes ; let him regard the place from whence he began to rise , and consider the first degree of his fortune , as a precipice , to which he may every moment fall again . let not a general of an army be always secure of victory , nor be puffed up with the glory he has won , as much by the assistance of his troops , as by his own valour . one single day may determine his fortune ; but then after the loss of a battel , let not him , who was before encompassed with so many people , suppose himself to be destroyed with them : he must be unconcerned , he must return to himself , and enjoy himself again . let not a prince confide in his empire without reason , nor let the obedience of so many people rashly flatter his self-love : in four and twenty hours we have seen kings in the throne , and following a chariot . in the course of a few days , we have seen a prince triumph , and led in triumph . the revolt of the people , or the loss of a battel , may dispossess him of the crown , and put his scepter into a foreigners hand . and here i cannot forbear to make an open confession : i adore the romans , and believe they were something more than men. i cannot without a sensible emotion consider brutus and cassius , who knowing the frailty of humane greatness , agreed before the battel began how to dispose of their lives , and considering the uncertainty of the event embrac'd one another as if they were never to meet again . methinks i see them giving their last adieus with these noble sentiments of affection and courage . the vulgar imagine there is a timorousness in foresight , and as they are unable to conceive any sort of danger without fear , persuade themselves that a man cannot fall into it without blindness . but as 't is the fault of such weak reasoners , to venture upon many things they don't understand , and to renounce them as soon as they come to know them ; so it belongs only to men of sense to foresee the dangers that threaten them , and to sustain with the same equality of mind , the favours and disgraces of fortune . but 't is not sufficient for us to prepare our selves only against the loss of the prosperities of life , for there are many other proofs of our constancy : the death of our friends , and even our own , much more sensibly affect us ; and therefore we ought to expect it with a more solemn preparation , than a bare simple privation of extrinsic things , which ought to be indifferent to wise men. i am thinking every day how many things are dear to me , and after i have considered them as temporary and perishable , i then prepare my self to undergo the loss of them without weakness . when the sun begins to shine , i don't rely upon seeing the evening . the day and the moment wherein i shall die , will it not resemble that which i spend to day ? a man shall equally hear the hurry of the world , shall enjoy the light , and live after the same manner . now , since we must all die , and are in so great uncertainties as to the time of death , let us prepare our selves , from this day , to leave one another . there doth not pass an hour but somebody loses a friend , i may then likewise reasonably expect every moment to lose one of mine ; and whenever such a thing happens , the circumstances of his death will not encrease my sorrow nor my affliction . perhaps he will shed his blood upon a scaffold ; perhaps a fire will reduce him to ashes , or he shall be swallowed up in the sea : but don 't imagine that the circumstances of his death should redouble my grief , and that i should complain of nothing so much at his funeral , as the manner of his loss ; 't is he that i find wanting , and it is of no imortance whether he was taken from me by water , sword , or fire , not that i would be here so wretchedly misunderstood , as if i would have a man become a barbarian in order to exercise himself to constancy ; or that nature or friendship have not a right to extract tears from us , i am so far from advancing so brutal an insensibility , that i maintain on the other side , it would be inhuman to refuse them on certain occasions . we sigh and weep justly enough in the first motions of our grief , but a strong , vigorous soul ought soon after to retire within it self , and return to that happy scituation from whence the disorders of its passion had removed it . for can a reasonable man consider the unprofitableness of his tears , and the vanity of his regret , but he must of necessity blush at a long and violent affliction ? indeed in those cases where we are able to repair our ill successes , i am wholly of opinion that we ought to employ all sorts of remedies : but in a fatal accident which is never to be retrieved , pray tell me what is the service of a ridiculous affliction , and paying tears which are at best troublesome to those who shed them , and unserviceable to those for whom they are shed ? why do we sigh , or why complain ? all these tears are shed in vain ; deaf to our sorrows and our grief , the dead receive not this relief . besides this , we are to consider , that the most sensible persons in the world at length forget their tenderness ; and the soul which at first is afflicted to excess , soon makes a relaxation of this violence , and is not long in exhausting the whole stock of its sorrow . our complaints wear with our years , and as the object begins to remove it self from our imagination , our displeasure for its loss is insensibly removed from our mind . if we were wise then , should we not without reluctance resign up those sentiments of grief to our reason , which weakness at last is constrain'd to resign to the length of years ? a father who died but two or three hours ago , is as effectually dead as any of our ancestors ; and that which is no more for us , ought no longer to affect us . your father , summon'd by his fate , now mixes with his brother-shades below . not the least tittle of your state , your grief , or sorrow does he know . tho' but last night he lost his breath , yet since he 's in the hands of death , he 's full as dead as caesar , who we know died so many years ago . this reason alone is capable of sweetning our bitterness , and appeasing all the motions of our greif : he whom i lost but now , feels nothing , has no further share in the day , and enjoys no more life than those who were swallowed up in the deluge ; why then should i torment my self in vain after a shadow , that has neither voice nor thought ? wisely your vain complaints give o're , this foolish tribute pay no more . for empty shadows why should tears be shed ? let 's bury even the memory of the dead . we ought further to consider , that in this rigorous separation of soul and body , nature commits no more violence , and shows no more ill usage to us than she does to the rest of the world : of all these prodigious swarms of men which fill the earth , shew me one single person who is exempted from the cruelty of her laws . i very well know that every one has a sense of his affliction , and that those whose example i alledge here , relent and complain as well as we : for as we don't forbear to tast our own happiness , when we know the felicity of others ; so the knowledg we have of the miseries of our equals , deprive not us of the sense of our own misfortunes : and since private persons partake in the publick rejoycings , how should they otherwise than share in the general sorrow ? there are some common misfortunes which have a relation to all men , but every man has his particular sentiments of them , and so endures , in that sense , the whole weight of his affliction singly . let us confess the truth : that which affects us most in our disgraces , is to see no body bear a resemblance to us . we cannot with any patience behold our selves destined to suffer an unhappiness alone , which all the world may be affected with as well as we . and to speak soberly , nothing so much augments the sharpness of our afflictions , as the fierceness and pride of those who seem to brave and despise them . now it is not mankind alone that attends us to death ; all animals , of what species soever , arrive to the same end , and undergo the same law. that strength , dexterity and foresight which nature has bestowed upon them for the conservation of their life , is of no use and service to them at their death . the most insensible things have their end , which is a sort of death to them . those very ramparts that were proof against all the batteries of the cannon , and the violence of men , will sooner or later have their share in this universal ruine . the elements themselves , which compose all things , will be at last destroyed . the heavens will be turned topsy-turvy ; the sun and stars will lose their light ; and all the mass of the world will be confounded in a general ruine : can we then demand with justice the everlasting health of our friends , or of our selves ? and since we must dye of necessity , is it not a comfort for us to know , that all the things we have seen will perish , and suffer the same destiny with us ? the stars shall lose their glorious light ▪ the element shall jarr and fight , and all be buried in vast night . the great creator of this ball , master and sovereign lord of all ▪ who our of nothing did display , air , and earth , and fire and sea , will with the same almighty hand , to primitive nothing all command . and this great change , to our surprize , may happen e're to morrows sun does rise . but behold now an affliction , of which i am so sensible , that no arguments , no relief drawn from philosophy , can make me support it : 't is that concern which publick calamities inspire me with , in which my senses interest me in spite of my self . i am not able to hear the groans of the people ; i cannot understand their cries , nor behold their tears , without feeling my self affected with a real compassion . i cannot be a spectator of the disorders of my countrey , nor consider the ambition of its oppressors , without conceiving an invincible aversion for them . we likewise experience another sort of vexation , which invades us in the midst of pleasure it self : it is nothing else oftentimes but a disgust of abundance ; for our soul having not strength enough to digest it , suffers a mighty remission in the vigour of its faculties , and yields at length to the violence of these excesses . now for this , i find no better , and indeed , no other remedy , than to moderate our passions , and to manage our pleasures with a prudent and wise oeconomy . thus epicurus revived his appetite by abstinence , and avoided all excesses to shun the inconvenience of debauchery ; and as the continual society even of the best men , becomes at length tiresom or insensible , those persons that have a delicate apprehension of pleasure will voluntarily remove themselves from one another , to avoid the disquiet that threatens them , and to have a better tast of the charms of conversation , by a new vigour which they bestow upon their thoughts . there remains nothing more for me to speak of but another sort of vexation , whose cause i am not able to divine ; and as 't is extreamly difficult to know the real subject of it ; i find that it is hard to sweeten it , or to withstand it : it is a secret displeasure which hides it self in the bottom of the soul , and which we feel much better than we can discover . 't is that which goes to bed with us , which awakes and rises with us , which attends us at our repasts , which follows us in our walks , which we carry along with us , as well in a crowd , as in retirement , and which doth not forsake those whom it has once seized , till it has exhausted all its power upon them . i have had a wearisome experience of this malady , and have often felt the whole bitterness of it : i have gone with it to the play-house , and have come out with the same . i have carried it into the best conversations without any relief ; i have , during its excesses , used the most agreeable diversions , but was insensible to them all the while ; and in the midst of the publick ioy , have been constrained to shew my ill humour , and to appear disgusted 〈◊〉 the sweetest contentments of life ; and at last have found no other remedy to charm it , but the pleasure of good eating and good drinking . good cheer with our friends is the soveraign remedy against this sort of vexation ; for besides that conversation , which then becomes more free and pleasant , insensibly sweetens it , 't is certain that wine revives the forces of nature , and gives our soul vigour sufficient to exclude all sorts of melancholly . i know some morose , unsociable persons will , at least in outward shew and appearance , declare a great aversion for this remedy , whose delights notwithstanding they do not contemn . but let us banish all grimaces here ; i am little disturbed at their mistaken severities , since the most rigid philosopher of the world has prescribed us this very remedy ; since the severest of our illustrious men have submitted , if i may so express my self , their most austere virtues to the charms of this agreeable pleasure ; and since the best sort of persons disown not the use of it ; but are only content to condemn the excess . chap. vi. of pleasvres . by mr. manning of the inner-temple . the same hand with the former . after having discoursed of our disgusts , and the means of qualifying the bitterness of them , it is not improper to entertain our selves about the pleasures of life . although , to speak the truth , extrinsic things contribute much to our pleasures , and 't is not enough to have senses , unless we have objects to content them ; yet the multitude of them being almost infinite , as in effect we find ; it seems that our happiness depends in some measure upon ourselves , and that our greatest diversions are unpleasant to us , if our senses are not in a disposition to receive them . as for my self , i am of opinion that we should never debar our minds of those innocent pleasures which occurr , but live free from all those disquietudes that a consideration of what is past uses to infuse , as from the disturbance we conceive for what 's to come . the present time only is ours , and if we were wise , we should manage every moment as it were the last ; but nothing is more ordinary , than the evil use we make of that time which nature has allowed us . there are few men but would live long enough , if they knew how to live well ; but it happens for the most part , that when we are a dying , we complain of not having lived as yet . if we are destined to a long life , we disturb it by the fear of not arriving to it ; and when we are come to our limitation , we have nothing else left us but the concern of having manag'd it very ill . this pleasure which now presents it self , is perhaps the last i shall be sensible of ; an infinite number of pains may overwhelm me a moment after , who then shall hinder me from enjoying my self innocently , whilst i may ? must the difference of places , or the inequality of objects , keep me always in disorder , when i have power to live contented in all parts of the earth ? i grant that indeed certain persons are dearer to us , and more agreeable than others ; that as there are different subjects to divert us , so there are delights more and less affecting ; but for the sake of a pleasure which i earnestly hoped , am i to despise all others ? that life which slides away in the countrey , is no less mine than that i pass at paris . the days wherein i am wholly buried in grief , will be reckoned to me as well as my most joyful festivals ; and will contribute as much as they to make up the number which must confine my years . why then should the charms of my repose be troubled here by the remembrance of those pleasures i should have tasted , or by the imagination of those which i pretend to enjoy ? 't is an imprudence to be desirous thus to return to those places we had forsaken ; and to endeavour to be present in those , where we cannot be so soon . if the pleasures we find in the countrey are different from those of the court , let us endeavour to adapt our minds to them : for who can hinder us from exalting and humbling our selves in this manner ? we have here neither musick-meetings , nor balls , nor play-house ; but then we have no disgraces , no servitude to fear or undergo . conversation is not so agreeable here . admit it is not , a man may have commerce with himself , and with persons that however are not troublesome . cato entertain'd himself with children , after he had applied himself all the day to the service of the commonwealth ; and our best wits in france disdain not to hear a tale from one of their servants , after the most serious discourses . a man must endeavour to live easily in all places , and tast those pleasures which his respective abode can furnish him with . let us not play the philosophers so much , as to condemn by our austerity the magnificence of the court. i wish we could imitate the virtue of the ancient romans . let us be just , let us be generous as they were ; but we may very well neglect those extravagant maxitus , whose severity corrects fewer persons than it scares . if we have not wherewith to be splendid , let us not accuse others of an immoderate splendor ; for certainly one cannot condemn so much fine workmanship produced by human industry , without being fantastically severe . one may admire the pomp of a glorious city , very innocently ; one may partake of the delights of perfumes , and the satisfactions of musick ; in short , one may behold with pleasure the delicacy of painting , and yet not infringe the laws of temperance . if , by constraint , or inclination , we have established our residence in the countrey , let us there leave off admiring the labours of man , in order to contemplate the works of the creator , and the wonders of nature : let us remove our thoughts from the pride and glories of the court , and innocently tast the sweets which occur in solitary places . the heavens , the sun , the stars , the elements , have not they beauties enough to satisfy the mind that contemplates them ? the extent of plains , the course of rivers , the meadows , the flowers , the rivolets , have not they sufficient charms to enchant the sight ? the musick of birds , is that ever wanting in our groves ? and if it is true , that men have learnt theirs from the nightingales , what advantage may we receive by having so great a number of these little masters at our service , without being in our pay ? well , whate're sins by turns have sway'd me , ambition never reach'd my heart . it 's lewd pretences ne're betray'd me , in publick ills to act a part , let others fame or wealth pursuing , despise a mean but safe retreat , i 'll ne're contrive my own undoing , nor stoop so low as to be great . the faithless court , the pensive change , what solid pleasures can they give ? oh , let me in the country range , 't is there we breath , 't is there we live . the beauteous scene of aged mountains , smiling valleys , murmuring fountains , lambs in flow'ry pastures bleating , ecchos our complaints repeating . birds in cheerful notes expressing nature's bounty , and their blessing : these afford a lasting pleasure , without guilt , without measure . in a word , we may live contented in any part of the world , and we only change our pleasure , when we change the place of our abode . here the mind finds its satisfaction in the study of nature ; here our senses meet with their delights ; and whoever is capable of moderation , may find in all places but too fertile a scene for his contentment . neither the limits of solitude , nor the little space of a prison , can hinder a wise man from finding his tranquillity : he may meditate there , and with pleasure reflect on the good actions he has done , and comfort himself by the pleasing thoughts of his innocence . a man does not always lie under a necessity to enjoy the full extent of the fields in order to be happy . our happiness for the general part lies in our selves ; and as we sometimes find our selves uneasy under the full enjoyment of our liberty , so it may very well happen , that we may be satisfied even in those prisons in which we are confined . the most cruel tyrants in the universe could never yet find dungeons for our souls ; they cannot become masters of it , unless we are willing to enslave it ourselves ; their chains cannot bind it , and let the body be enclos'd in what place it will , it changes neither place nor habitation . thus we may find contentments every where ; let us endeavour only to enjoy them with moderation ; and rest persuaded that it is an error to condemn pleasures as pleasures , and not as they are unjust and unlawful . in truth , let them be never so innocent , the excess is always criminal , and tends not only to our disgrace , but to our dissatisfaction . a man that loseth his reputation by debauchery , very often loses his health too , and hurts his constitution no less than his honour . if we are insensible to the charms of pleasure , let us excite our tast and our appetite by a just consideration of those pains which are their contraries . let those who find themselves abound in the conveniencies of life , tast their happiness by the opposition of the necessities of others ; and let the thought of misfortunes make them deliciously enjoy that felicity which they possess . let a good man make reflections upon the state of his conscience , and rejoyce that he finds neither remorse nor anguish in the bottom of his heart . let health , which we ordinarily tast after the same manner as we do an insensible good ; let this rich present of nature , i say be felt more lively by the comparison of diseases and infirmities , to which so many others are liable . let a man of good health , esteem himself happy , not only in the enjoyment of his felicity , but let the thought of enduring nothing amongst so many troublesom objects that encompass him , render him still more undisturbed ; let him rejoyce not only for the good fortune which he enjoys , but likewise for the unhappiness he has not : let the pleasure which he tasts , and the pain which he suffers not , contribute equally to give him new satisfactions . as to what remains , let us banish that disorderly passion of envy , that vile infamous passion which corrupts all our pleasures . let not our eyes or ears become in the least concerned for possessions that don't belong to us ; but let us partake , without covetousness , of all the charms of those places which we go to see . every thing that is made for the pleasure of sight , doth it not belong to me , so long as it is exposed before mine ? the louvre , luxembourg house , and the tuilleries , as much belong to me , when i am gazing upon their beauty , as to those whose legally they are . for , to speak properly , nothing can be ours , but by an actual enjoyment . the conclusion which i infer from all these discourses , is , that we ought to rejoyce with moderation . to apprehend this assertion rightly , all that is done in the world , is done only for pleasure ; and tho we take different ways , yet we see all mankind incline to the same end . he that searches for reputation in the field , and breaks through all the dangers of fire and bullets to obtain honour , would not expose himself to the least danger , if he did not expect that satisfaction one finds in himself , or that which is derived from fame . he that grows old in his closet , amongst a parcel of mouldy , moth-eaten books , would not employ the least pains in the acquisition of sciences , if he did not receive some pleasure in the pursuit : all our actions have no real object , but pleasure ; without that the most laborious persons would live languishing and idle . 't is that alone which makes us active ; 't is that which stirs all bodies ; 't is that which gives motion to all the universe : let every one then follow that method which suits best with his innocent inclinations , and enjoy all delights that present themselves to him , when they are not repugnant to the true sentiments of honour , or conscience . to mademoiselle l. …a consolatory discourse upon the death of monsieur m… by mr. manning . i hear , madam , that you lament the death of monsieur m… and am sensible that it is your duty to lament it : he was a person of extraordinary merit ; he lov'd you tenderly ; he had done you great services : how cruel , how unjust , nay , how ungrateful would you be , if you did not bewail his loss ! i am so well perswaded of the greatness of it , that i am even in pain to know if you have been able to preserve your senses all this while ; i wish the abandoning of your eyes and mouth to sorrow may be the utmost of your affliction : what way soever you escape , you will give the world sufficient proofs of your wisdom , if you don't run mad. let others shed tears by measure , and proportion their sadness to the occasion of it , i shall not be surprised ; but it would be an amazing thing to see you afflict your self by rules ; you , who may so justly mourn , you , who have no other way to signalize your gratitude than by your lamentation . perhaps it may be represented to you , that you ought to weep with more moderation , and that your sex , your age , and your condition , exempt you from abandoning your self intirely to your grief : but believe me madam , don't for all that deprive your self of the satisfaction of weeping ; answer the duties of a just friendship to the full : mourn without constraint for a man , whose chast delights you were ; and without shame lament a man , who could not be but the delights of the chast. in dying he has set all your sentiments at liberty ; and his death delivers you from those scruples , which tormented you during his life . it would be in vain for slander to misinterpret your complaints : the relation that was betwixt him and you doth but too highly justify you . 't is apparent , as you were so nearly joyn'd in blood , nothing but a lawful correspondence could be established between you . you could find nothing in him but wit , honour and wisdom : these qualities , generally speaking , are not overmuch the favourites of our senses . they are fitter to raise friendship than love ; and to serve as a support for virtue , than to afford matter for passion . you could not be tempted , either with youth , beauty , riches or splendor : he had neither wherewith to purchase , or seduce you ; and nature and fortune equally conspired to deny him what might engage a lady of your merit to love , and what might engage himself to miscarry . alas ! who is ignorant that if you had been inclined to one of the two , either your love might have chosen demy-gods for its objects , or your wants might have found treasures for their recompense ? let them alone then , let them talk who have not the gift of silence : innocence and virtue are not a sufficient sanctuary against calumny . sanctity it self has not defended the pauls , the melanius's ; and if canonized friendships have been suspected , why should not yours , as untainted as it is , be brought into question ? besides , where 's the advantage of constraining your self ? you run an equal hazard , both by dissimulation , and by divulging your grief . if you divulge it , you will perhaps awaken the reproach ; but if you dissemble , you will undoubtedly encrease it : and as it is always sooner fastened upon concealed actions , than those that are above-board , it will impute your moderation to your artifice , and the serenity of your face to the easie submission of your mind . but , madam , i would have your grief keep to appearances , and take a superficial calm for a profound tranquillity . what will you advance by this conduct ? if it doth not find you too tender , it will find you too ungrateful . i leave it to you to judge , whether it is better to be accused of a vice , or of a passion ? and if it is more shameful to appear susceptible of love , than capable of ingratitude ? but why should i seek reasons to encourage your affliction ? can it be possible that you should fear to hazard your tears upon the death of your friends , and that you must be heartned against the attempts of calumny , to dispose you to pay the last offices to friendship ? in the mean time , what can my design be here ? and who obliges me to wish that your grief may be free and violent , instead of being moderate and constrained ? i would have it free , lest it should prove dangerous ; i would have it violent , for fear it should be of continuance : it might attempt some violence upon you , if you should keep it captive : it would be lasting if you should let it be moderate . i consent to have it make your tenderness appear ; but i pretend likewise to have it demonstrate your force of mind ; you will acquit your self of the duty of a good friend , in lamenting your friend ; as you will perform the duty of an heroic woman , in not lamenting too long . manage your self then in such a manner , that your grief may not be unworthy of him , and that it may be worthy of your self : lament then , if you please , as a heroe ; but lament him in the quality of a heroine . i allow you more than this ; abandon your self for some time to your affliction ; but take care to see it so well satisfied in that time , that it may require no farther a tribute from you . entertain it as long as you think fit , with the idea you conceive of your illustrious deceased ; represent to your self that noble countenance , that severe air , those venerable wrinkles ; in a word , that head of socrates , which denoted so well both the soldier and philosopher . then proceed to the qualities of his mind : reflect upon that natural elevation which rendred things of the greatest moment entirely familiar to him . consider with what clearness he pierced into the obscurest matters ; with what subtilty he examined the most curious ; with what fecundity he handled the most barren ; and with what solidity he made choice of the most important . from thence proceed , if you will , to the equality of his soul : consider what an absolute command he had over his senses ; and his moderation , that made him renounce all pleasures . then after you have considered the regularity of his manners , consider also how easie they sate upon him : what indulgence had he not for all those defects that might be supportable in a civil life ? did he not seem to believe that he singly was obliged to be wise ? and ( directly opposite to the rest of men ) did he not more easily dispense with the greatest infirmities of his friends , than the meanest of his own imperfections ? can you imagine any person to be more virtuous ? yes , without doubt , madam , his virtue went yet further , since he made it no less a scruple to discover the vices of his enemies , than to publish his own perfections . you know , madam , that one of the most powerful men of europe was his enemy , and proved the instrument of his ruine ; and yet you know , madam , that your friend never failed to pay the respect due to his quality , nor the discretion to conceal his defects . no doubt on 't but he was perfectly acquainted , and consummate in this wisdom of condemning no body , since he preserved it even in favour of those who oppressed him . how many thousands , in his circumstances , would have exclaim'd against the times and manners ! how many thousands would at least have reveng'd themselves of the injustice done them , by speaking the truth ! and in a word , sharpened their tongues to destroy their enemy , to discover the vices of his mind , and the disorders of his soul ; the baseness of his designs , and the iniquity of his actions ; the evil use of his authority , and the misemployment of his riches ; the indiscretion of his conduct , and the indignity of his person ! your friend was master of a soul too generous , as well as strong to evaporate his grief in complaints and invectives . he was convinced that nothing more discredits the violence of wicked men , than the moderation of the good . he knew well that persecutors never become more odious , than by the wisdom of those whom they persecute . he was contented to let his silence and reservedness declare him worthy of a better age. he would not say a word that might deserve his disgrace . he would not do an action , that might acquit the authors of it . in a word , he would oppose nothing to their ambition , but his modesty ; to their violence but his constancy ; to their authority , but his prudence : and without doubt the conduct which he preserved in his disgrace , was a perpetual exercise of these virtues . i am perswaded that he practised all the rest in prosperity : but although great souls are always great in both fortunes , i ever took more care to observe them in the bad , than in the good . i look upon them in the good , as in a carreer of exercises and sports ; i regard them in the bad , as in a field of hardships and battels . the virtues of a happy man are agreeable and easie ; the virtues of the unhappy are difficult and troublesome . in a word , the happy man has nothing else to do , but to give himself up to his virtues ; and the unhappy must even sacrifice himself to his . i look upon your friend then through the finest part of his life , when i consider him in his adversity : nevertheless i leave you the liberty to recall the most agreeable ideas , that ever his good fortune furnished you with . you may still do more , and you will undoubtedly : you will recollect all the marks of friendship which he gave you ; you will recall all his tenderness , and all his services . grief is too ingenious not to make an exact search after all : things that may be of advantage to it : it is accustomed to live at the expence of the memory , and as long as it can find any subsistence , i question not , but it will rake up all its corners , and put all the subservient faculties in agitation . but after all , there must be a time prescribed to this passion ; and indeed time it self will prescribe limits to it . i know there are some obstinate people in the world , who have swore an oath of fidelity to their grief , and contracted with it for their whole life . but what offence has nature done them , that they should thus throw themselves into the party of her adversary ? it is true , she has deprived them of what they loved . but what , if she makes us die without our own consent , can we take it amiss that she destroys others without our permission ? are not other people of less value to us , than our selves ? and since we must learn to dye without repugnance , should we not learn to see others dye without despair ? let us refer then , both our own death , and that of our friends , to the order of the vniverse . let us consider our friends , whilst they live , as good things we are obliged to part with . let us consider them ▪ when they are dead , as good things , which we were to enjoy but for a short space . thus we shall enjoy them without too much inquietude ; and shall lose them without too much concern . you will alledg to me perhaps , that precepts are of no service ; that enjoyment has always afforded pleasure , and that privation will always cause pain . but examin well , madam , whether you are not mistaken in some manner upon the publick faith. the greatest part of the world believes that the privation of a great happiness , is a great misfortune : the most judicious part believes the contrary ; great men , 't is true , have established this errour , but greater have opposed it . i make you the arbitrator . is it not certain that there is no medium between enjoyment and privation ; but that there is one between pleasure and pain , which is indolence ? how then can you pretend we are obliged to fall from pleasure into pain , just as we fall from enjoyment into privation ? the philosophers that have received no grief by their losses , and the saints , who have even extracted ioy from them , sufficiently justify , that privation is not a natural cause of pain . the blind , the cripples , and the infirm , whom neither their reason nor holiness has raised above sensibility , justify it yet more . we see them rejoyce like other men , yet they endure the most cruel of all privations . but we need not admire at it . nature teaches them to support themselves for the pleasures they have lost , by reflecting upon those which remain to them ; and they have always enough , provided their mind is not distracted with pain . observe then , if you please , that in privations the pain doth not always distract our mind ; that the cutting off of a hand , doth not hinder us from being voluptuous : but that a gouty-hand makes us insensible of all pleasures . for there needs no more to prove that pain must have a real cause , and by consequence cannot be the effect of privation . i don't disown , but that the loss of what has afforded us pleasure , does furnish us with an occasion of grief ; the experience of all mankind would contradict so fantastical an opinion . i should have against me the tears of all widows , the cries of all orphans , the mourning of all relations , and the voice of all the afflicted . but must be granted also , that privation is not a cause of pain ; otherwise pain would be eternal , as privation is . you know , madam , that there is no privation , but what is eternal ; and that there is no grief but what is transitory . so that if to prove privation to be a cause of grief , you alledg the example of all those , who mourn ; to prove that privation is but an occasion of grief , i can use for my own justification , the example of all those who are comforted . is it not true , that those who are comforted are in a state of privation , as well as those who are afflicted ? 't is therefore probable that privation is not precisely a cause of pain ; and that we must admit some other , which suffers degrees and variations . i am of opinion madam , it would not be improper here to discover to you this cause , and to let you see why it doth not act upon some particular minds : why it acts upon others : why it ceases or continues to act ; and in a word , why it acts with more or less violence : but as this discussion would engage me in too large a field , so it would put you to the expence of too intense an application , which perhaps in your present condition you are not capable of making . i would treat you as a lady of resolution and learning , and also as a languishing or a curious person ; i am for leaving to your she-friends the care of sweetning your affliction by their tears , and for reserving to my self the employment of engaging it with my reasons . but as i pretend to consine my self to useful things , i will apply my self only to what may be proper for your cure . to which end , madam , you need only make a short reflection upon the causes of grief : you know that all grief immediately proceeds from separation , and that there are two kinds of separation : ( for one relates to things continued , and t'other to things united , ) but you are perhaps still to be informed that the separation of continued things occasions the pain of the body ; and that the separation of things united , causes the pain in the mind . in the mean time , 't is of no great importance to dwell longer upon this cause , by reason it is not possible to hinder separation from producing pain , and that it is even impossible to hinder separations . we must ascend somewhat higher , and in that imitate the conduct of the physitians , who seldom have any regard to the nearest cause , but always apply themselves to that which is remote , because 't is that which seeds the distemper , and is the cause of ill humours ; and 't is chiefly against this that their remedies exert their vertue . the remote cause of the pain in the mind , is opinion . but what is this opinion ? some say that it is an undertermined iudgment . as for my self , i take it to be the evil choice of our iudgment . at least i don't apprehend how indetermination agrees with what one ordinarily calls opinion . there is nothing less indeterminate than that : for does it not principally proceed from the force of opinion that we expose our selves to dangers , to vexations , and to death it self ? wou'd we incur so many hazards for real benefits ? what likelihood then is there that opinion would engage us so far , if it was nothing but an undetermined iudgment ? i have here great discoveries to make to you , did i rather propose to my self to satisfy your mind , than to calm your heart . i would then endeavour to shew you after what manner opinion is formed , and how it moves the mind and the body : but when you have well considered , that opinion is the remote cause of grief , you will have almost all the knowledg , which is necessary for your cure. pleasure and pain are the sentiments which our soul has of what is agreeable or offensive to us : but because nothing can feel , if it doth not touch , nor be felt if it is not touched , it follows of necessity that what produces pleasure and pain must touch the soul ; it is certain then that all sensible beings necessarily touch it : but all beings are not necessarily sensible : there are none but those , which are delightful or prejudicial to us in themselves , that are so ; and these are the goods or evils of nature . the rest , which are called indifferent , are not so but when they lose their indifference ; and they never lose it , but when opinion fastens to them the idea of good or evil , and then they become the goods or evils of opinion . but the idea of good or evil is no sooner fix'd to an object , but the soul unites it self with it , or separates from it . this vnion is made by a kind of touch , which gives pleasure to the soul ; and this separation is made by a motion which gives pain to it , and which cannot be better expressed than by the word divulsion , which physick has appropriated to its own use . you see then , madam , that the separation of the soul from its objects , is the immediate cause of pain ; and that opinion must be the remote cause of it , since it is the cause of this separation . this principle being once established , it is easie to explain all the degrees and differences of pain , by the greater or lesser violence which the soul endures , in disengaging it self from those objects to which it was fastened . but we must pass to a more useful consideration , and observe after what manner opinion acts against us , that we may know how to act against opinion . i find then that opinion cheats us three ways ; sometimes it gives us an idea of good and evil altogether false ; oftentimes it gives us one that is false in part , and almost always misapplies their real idea to objects . it gives us an idea of good and evil altogether false , when it makes them pass with us for what they are not : it gives us an idea partly false , when it makes us conceive them to be less , or greater than they really are . it misapplies their real idea to objects , either when it applies it to an object , from which it disagrees ; or to an object with which it agrees less than with another , or to an object with which it agrees no more than all other objects of the like nature . thus , although existence and nothing , life and death , are neither goods not evils , yet opinion has made them pass for the greatest goods and the greatest evils in the world. notwithstanding health is the most valuable gift of nature , yet the covetous prefer the gifts of fortune to it ; and fear less to become indisposed , than to become poor . after that opinion has given us these ideas , either absolutely false , or false in part , or misapplied as to the objects , it wholly puts the soul upon possessing the good , or avoiding the evil , which it presents to it . it prepossesses it so much , that it hinders it from disposing it self to the contemplation and enjoyment of other goods ; and leaves it no leisure to beware of other evils , and to avoid them : insomuch that it seems the soul knows but one single good , and one single evil ; or at least but one great good , and one great evil. this state of prepossession is a kind of divorce that the soul makes from all other goods , in order to unite it self more strictly to the good it espouses . this good which proceeds from its choice , appears to be solely made for it , and reduces it to the necessity of being no longer happy , than by its possession . 't is for this reason , that too passionate lovers cannot partake of other pleasures than those which they receive from love. notwithstanding this good of opinion , the good of the choice of the soul , is not more solid , or more durable than the rest ; and as soon as it comes to fail , the soul which knew nothing else for the object of its felicity , no longer knows where to betake it self . it sees nothing that can make amends for what it has lost ; and till such time as it has formed another idea full as strong and as agreeable , it remains fixed in the contemplation of the change it finds in its object , or else it acts in the search of other objects . when it was fixed , its pain is stupid and dumb : when it moves , its pain is restless and complaining . to cure our selves of opinion , and consequently of the pain it occasions to us , we must do against it , the contrary of what it doth against us ; we must frame to our selves a true idea of good and evil : and either correct what is false in the idea we have ; or if we conceive a just one , to apply it well to objects . in order to frame a true idea of good and evil , a man has nothing else to do but to consult nature ; what it avoids is really bad ; what it searches after is unquestionably ▪ good . but we must take care , that there are things which it avoids or desires merely for themselves ; and likewise that there are other things which it avoids or desires to shun or obtain others . the first are pleasure and pain ; the second are those which may afford us pleasure and pain . we must also remark , that the things which nature desires for themselves , are those one may call good of themselves ; and that all others have but a borrowed goodness . examine , as long as you please , all the goods of the world , and you will always find them much more desirable than really they are , till you have enjoy'd them . examine likewise all the evils , and you will always , find them to be feared beyond what they ought to be , till you have made the experiment your self . you may demand of me here why virtue opposes pleasure , if pleasure is the good of nature ? and you may likewise add , that virtue ought not to be called a good , if it is contrary to the essence of good. but if you regard virtue near at hand , you will observe that it is not pleasure which it opposes , but only the species and excess of pleasure . you will also see , that when it opposes either the species or the excess of it , 't is only done in its favour , to render it greater , or more secure . all moral virtues are but means to preserve , both pleasure in nature , and nature in pleasure . might i assume the freedom here to make a little digression , i would make you sensible , that the severest virtues are but honest mediators between pleasure and pain . but what should we say of those christian virtues which have no other object , or at least no other allurement but pleasure ; and which conduct us to god no otherwise than as he is the source of eternal pleasures ? what shall we say of those expressions used by the prophets , who say that god will o'rewhelm us with a torrent of pleasure ? in a word , what shall not we say of the opinion of the greatest doctors , and the greatest saints , who believed . that the joy of seeing god , would make up the essence of our eternal felicity ? all these advantages would be of mighty use to establish pleasure for the single good of nature : but let us keep to the most simple and most evident reasons : and agree , that since there is nothing good but what affords pleasure , and nothing bad but what affords pain , it is certain that pleasure and pain , are really the good and evil of nature . all this being well understood , would you believe , madam , that a pretended prince of philosophers , has affirmed that nothing was the greatest of all evils ; and that death was the most formidable ? will not you maintain against him , that they are not evils , since they represent no idea of pain ? can nothing do an injury to what is not ? and can death prejudice what is no more ? nothing takes away the subject of pain ; death destroys it ; and neither of them can be the principle of it , since they are both nothing , and that to produce , there must be existence in the case . you see theu , that by forming to your self a just and natural idea of evil , you exterminate presently the two most formidable monsters , that opinion ever brought forth . i own there is an infinite number of things which we call evils . shall we then give the lie to mankind , or shall we force it to change its language ? no , madam , i know that the publick voice has right to impose names ; but have not we also a right to interpret the names which it imposes ? we may say then , that this name of evil , which properly belongs to pain , has been transferred to all things that may produce it . we have divided them into evils , of nature , of opinion , and of fortune . the evils of fortune and of opinion only differ in this , that all the evils of fortune , are evils of opinion ; and that all the evils of opinion are not evils of fortune : wheresore we may reduce all evils to those of opinion and nature . under this term of evils of nature , we understand all kinds of pains and distempers , and all natural inconveniencies . and we use to comprehend them in three conditions of life , in which it is as it were impossible to be without pain : and they are . indisposition of body , slavery , and poverty . but these three conditions sometimes leave us so much indolence and tranquillity , that one cannot so much call them the evils of nature , as evils of opinion . it is not enough for us to have a just idea of evil in general , we must also have a just one in particular ; and after having known that all evils are pains , we must know what are those pains which are called evils of nature ; and what are those , the world calls evils of opinion . it will likewise be of great service to learn how to regulate and put them in order ; to the end that we may not only avoid running the risk of taking evils for what they are not ; but also that we may be exempt from the danger of apprehending them for greater than they are . the evils of nature are those which , without our thinking of them , excite in us the sentiment of pain ; the evils of opinion are those which excite it only , when we think upon them . we may also say , that the evils of nature are those , which not only make themselves felt without our thinking of them ; but which make us even think of them , because we feel them : and that the evils of opinion , are those which we don't feel , but when we think of them , and because we think of them . upon this rule , it will be judged that hunger and thirst are evils of nature ; and that the death of a father or a husband , are evils of opinion . you may derive from thence four consequences , which will serve you to assign a difference and order amongst all evils ; to judge rightly of their greatness , and in a word , to regulate your sense of them . the first is , that the evils of nature , are but the evils of the body ; and that the evils of opinion , are no more than the evils of the mind : for they are only the evils of the body , that depend not upon our thoughts ; and evils of the mind , that depend thereon . the second is , that the evils of nature are in some sort the masters of our mind , since they compell it to be present at all their actions , and fall upon us , as it were , with full right ; but that our mind is master of the evils of opinion , since to remove our selves from them , we need only remove them from us ; and that they cannot act upon us but by a borrowed authority . the third , that the more the evils of nature are masters of our mind , the greater they are ; and that the more our mind can be master of the evils of opinion , the lighter they are . the fourth , that the evils of nature are sometimes so small , that they cannot rule over our mind , and then they are but as evils of opinion ; but that the evils of opinion are sometimes so great , that our mind cannot be absolutely master of them ; and then they hold the place of evils of nature : for which reason 't is said to be natural to bemoan ones father ; and when any one is too much possessed with the thought of a small indisposition , he is reproached with being sick of fancy . after having thus established an order between the evils of nature , is it not likewise possible to establish one between the evils of opinion ? but who can regulate what proceeds from so disorderly a cause ? is it not too adventurous a design to prescribe limits to the caprices of men ; and to endeavour to make out how far our grief should extend , when it goes beyond the evils of nature ? no , undoubtedly : and since our mind can be master only of the evils of opinion , 't is against them alone that it is not amiss to afford instructions . how is it , madam , that one comforts the afflicted ? don't we diminish the idea of their misfortunes in order to diminish their grief ? can that be done in the evils of nature ? can one deceive the sense of a man tormented with the cholick ? is it possible to make him believe that his gripings are but illusions ? can one even propose to render him attentive to such a discourse ? and if he could be capable of hearkning , what effects would remonstrances have , except it were to add anger to pain , and joyn a great passion to a great disorder ? the best method we can take in the evils of nature , is to cry out upon the greatness of the distemper , and the patience of the indisposed ; and 't is exactly the contrary of what 's done in the evils of opinion . it is true , there are some conmforters in the world who begin by the aggravation of evils ; but that 's only to obtain a free admittance in the mind of the afflicted , and to surprise their belief . thus we may artificially oppose the grief of feeble minds : but we openly and sincerely oppose that of stronger ones . we consider what is the source , the principle of their affliction , and attack it immediately . but which way soever we proceed , whether with the strong , or with the weak , either we don't comfort at all , or else we effect it by lessening the idea of the evils , and this is no where possible but in the evils of opinion . so that 't is no rashness to endeavour to establish some order amongst evils ; and to give certain precepts how to combat them . the order of the evils of opinion is not harder to find than the order of the evils of nature . for , if the greatest evils of nature are those which expose us most to pain , the greatest evils of opinion should be those which expose us most to the evils of nature . i see but two kinds of the evils of opinion , that expose us to the evils of nature . one is the loss of persons that are dear to us : the other is the loss of estates . i understand by these words of dear persons , both those whom we cherish , and those that cherish us . for the loss of those whom we cherish , and who don 't cherish us , is not an evil of much consequence ; and therefore no great strength of reasoning is necessary to comfort us upon this article . in the first of these losses we comprehend the death of relations , of lovers , and of friends . in the second we comprehend the loss of law-suits , storms , barrenness , fires , pillages , and all things that bring a diminution to our fortune . the last of these evils exposes us to poverty , but the first exposes us to all the evils of nature . wherefore we may allow it the first rank amongst the evils of opinion . if we happen to be sick , by whom are we relieved but by persons that are dear to us ? what are the cares of our physitians , and our chirurgions ? these mercenary cares are seldom confined to above a quarter of an hours useless presence , or hazardous operation ; blind advice , or frivolous conference . of what consideration , of what advantage can these cares be , in comparison of the charitable offices , the continual assiduities , and the kind disquietudes of our friends and our relations ? how often are we delivered by their indefatigable zeal from that quickness of of pain , wherein the insensibility or negligence of physitians often leaves us ? if we become slaves , by whom are we redeemed , but by persons that are dear to us ? do ordinary friends contributed towards our ransom ? do they undertake great journeys for our deliverance ? if we are reduced to poverty , who shares his fortune with us , but those dear persons ? the rest either abandon us to our misery , or assist us but sorrily , or only serve us out of vanity ; and whatsoever kindness they do us , it always costs us both some repugnance to demand it , and shame to receive it . a true friend , a passionate lover , prevents our necessities . they will not suffer us to perceive that we are miserable ; they employ all their addresses to avert our misfortune , all their force to oppose it , all their power to alleviate it , and all their discretion to conceal it . what have we then that defends us better from the evils of nature , than persons that are dear to us : and consequently what have we that can pass for a greater evil , in the order of evils of opinion , than the death of those persons ? but as indisposition of body , altho it is the first evil of nature , is no great evil , if it doth not expose us much to pain ; the death of persons dear to us , altho it is the first evil of opinion , is no great evil , if it doth not expose us much to the evils of nature . let us examine then at present what consequences the death of your friend draws after it : whether it abandons you to an indisposition of body : whether it gives you over to servitude : whether it reduces you to poverty . and i believe we shall soon discover that it draws down upon you none of the evils of nature . how should it abandon you to an indisposition of body ? your friend was old , and you are young. he could not have dispensed with your cares , tho you could have been without his assistance . he reached the end of his race , before you arrived to the middle of yours ; and the time of his death had much got the start of your infirmities . it is true , if it was not impossible for you to have an infirm youth . but all possible evils are not formidable . human prudence doth not look upon objects that are too wandring and too remote . we should not fear evils that threaten not , and we should not much fear even those that threaten at a distance . how should it give you over to servitude ? thanks to our religion , our laws , and our manners , we are free ; and if we except those whom the service of god and the state engage to cross the seas , there are scarce any but vagabonds that can become slaves . but tho by the revolution of human affairs , servitude should come and seek after you from one end of the world to the other , or should meet with you upon its own lands , would you not enjoy consolatory means enough in all your great qualities ? would you not easily attract the veneration of your masters ? and would not your masters employ all their power to hinder you from depriving them of your presence ? yes , madam , you might always render your condition supportable to your self . but in case it should appear uneasy to you your friend would never be capable of changing it . your ransom would exceed his power . your merit would obstruct your liberty ; and if they should exact your real value , it would be impossible for you to find redeemers . in fine , how should it reduce you to poverty ? your friend was not rich ; and it is hard that you should be poor . one cannot be so with the graces , the vertues , the sciences , and arts which you possess ; and the world is not yet become so insensible of merit , as to give you leave fo fear extremities which would dishonour your age. don't apprehend then , madam , any lamentable consequences from the death of your friend . nothing will be wanting to you in life , not even such friends as he , you have lately lost . there will arise some from the dust of him you lament ; and there is no man of equal honour and wit with him , but will love you as he did , and like him , will be devoted to your service . but you are in pain perhaps whether there are still such perfect friends to be found . make no question of it , madam . vertue loses nothing , no more than nature . the seeds of goodness circulate eternally , and pass without intermission from one subject to another , and the principles which contribute to the production of the wise , no more annihilate than those , which concur to the generation of men. your friend has made room for an infinite number of others to succeed him ; and 't is only your province to elect him a successour in the most numerous court , that ever sacrificed to the graces . you will find , that heaven will restore you full as much , as it has ' taken from you . how do you know but it will give you even more ? you will discover in him , you shall make choice off , all that was in him you have lost , and perhaps something more : possibly more youth , and a better meen : possibly a vertue less severe , and a friendship more agreeable . let the things we lose be of never so great , yet we must not abandon our selves to immoderate grief , when we only lose what we are able to recover . you need only defend your self from this popular mistake ; which makes us apprehend , in second friendships , either the jealousy of the dead , or the censure of the living . the dead are offended at nothing , and the living are affronted at all things . but the living are of a very scurvy humour , when they oblige us to sacrifice our selves to the dead . if the dead loved sacrifices , they would take the pains to demand them of us . they must needs have lost the tast of the things of this world , since they entertain no commerce with us . and if they are so unmindful of us , why should we be reduced to live only for them ? assure your self , madam , that their state is a state of insensibility , or a state of repose ; and that we can do nothing to make them either happy or miserable . what is it , in your oppinion , that has prescribed to us the duty of preserving fidelity to the dead , but the weakness and tyranny of the living ? every one would flatter himself with the thought of fixing another to himself , when he is no longer fixed to any one . our vanity is so great , that it exacts veneration for our ashes , and endeavours to make our shadows triumph over our rivals . it is not just , madam , to have regard to this fancy . at the moment we are buried , the world is quit of all obligations in relation to us . the duties of interment are called the last duties ; and beyond the funeral , all that is given to the dead , is taken from the living . lamentations , that are too long , not only hurt nature , but society likewise . they render us incapable of the duties of a civi● life : and one may say that out of complaisance to those friends we have lost , they make us wanting to those whom we still retain : observe all those people that indulge their sorrow , and seek to get reputation by their grief . is it not certain that their affliction seems to suspend their friendship , or at least that it dispenses them from acting in favour of the friends . nay , one may say that 't is an incivility to offer a petition to them , and request a service of them : so much doth grief devote them to the dead , and render them unuseful to the living . but what , must there be no lamenting for the death of our friends ? no , madam , there must be none , if it were possible . this passion is absolutely pernicious ; and if it were good in any respect , it would only be in demonstrating that we knew how to love. but if tears were certain marks of love , the greatest weepers would be the firmest lovers ; and we are sensible of the contrary . weak women cry more than those of stronger courages ; and the latter love more than the former . i am not surprised to find . tears were in so great reputation with the poets , and despised by the philosophers : poetry borrows its fineness from the passions , and the infirmity of nature : and philosophy derives what it has noble from the virtues and force of the soul. a poet represents to us a niobe , who melts into tears for the death of her children : a philosopher represents to us a cornelia , who beholds with dry eyes the death of all her family : the one is very tender , the other is very couragious : both are very mothers . whose part do you take ? without doubt you have an admiration for cornelia , and compassion for niobe . you pity niobe , and you commend cornelia . you have reason , madam . niobe submits to grief : grief submits to cornelia . we should pity those , whom grief overcomes : but commend those , who overcome grief . but if it is not possible for us to live without grief , is it possible for us to have as much of it , and as long as we please ? you put a great question to me , madam , but to excuse my self from returning such an answer as it deserves , i must tell you , that if we are not able to get rid of our grief , when we please ; we may however chuse whether we will retain it : it removes of it self , when we let it loose . i can tell you more than this , madam , we have the power of removing our selves from it , since we can transport our thoughts from impertinent objects , to those that are agreeable ; and all our afflictions depend upon the application of our thoughts . but in fine , is it decent to think no more of our friends , when they are interred ? i could tell you , 't is wholly indifferent to think , or not to think of them : however , not to sirike too severely against the sentiment of all the world , i will affirm to you , that at least it is not decent to maintain and feed our weakness by our thoughts . we decently remember the dead , when we remember them wisely ; and we remember them wisely , when we preserve an easy rememb●●●●● 〈◊〉 them . all that disturbs tranquillity , is not wise ; and whatever is not wise , is not decent . till such time then as one is accustomed to reflect with easiness upon the death of his friends , it is good to avert his mind from it , and to amuse it else where . wherefore 't is no consequence , that because there is a decency in loving , there is also in lamenting what one has loved ; since friendship is a vertue that cannot be but decent , whereas grief is a passion , that at most can be but excusable . why then , say you , are we told that it is becoming to be afflicted ; and why did the romans appoint a time for women to mourn ? hearken to one of your good friends of antiquity . our ancestors , says he , have given women a year to mourn in ; not that they should mourn all this time , but that they should mourn no longer . he adds , that they prescribed no time for men to mourn , because they can never mourn with decency . thus you see the wise men and law-givers of antiquity have not set too great a value upon tears : that they have in some sort prohibited them to men ; and that they only permitted them to women through a sort of precaution against their obstinacy , and through a kind of indulgence to their weakness . i leave it to your consideration whether this difference makes for the honour of women , and whether a resolute woman ought to make use of such a priviledg . a lady that has a true strength of soul afflicts her self like a discreet man : she lets fighs escape from her , rather than sends them forth : she suffers her tears to slide away , rather than pours them down : she gives something to nature , without taking any thing from reason . in a word , she employs the first days after the loss of her friends , so as to make it appear she is a woman : but she employs all the rest of her life , so as to make it appear she above these weaknesses . bohold , madam , how a lady of your condition ought to be afflicted . it is not possible but you must be concerned for the death of your friend : but then 't is possible for you not to resent it too long . you ought to consider , that you will do no kindness either to your self , or to him , if you consume all your days in lamenting his loss ; he is depriv'd of his sensibility , and no longer has a sense of yours . in spite of all romantick expressions , and all poetical fictions , there is no loving after death ; and we don't preserve fire under ashes . monsieur m … is no more , or at least is no more your friend . what service then do you propose to your self by persevering in a grief , which he is not obliged to you for ? what advantage will you gain by losing your best days , for which he will make you no compensation ? would you follow the example of ordinary women , who being unable to advance themselves by eminent virtues , would signalize themselves by vehement passions ? leave them to contrive snares for their lovers : leave them to bemoan the dead , in order to mollify the living : leave them to insinuate their friendship into those , whom they first convince of their grief . an amiable person , like you , is above their artifices ; she doth not weep to obtain love ; she will not owe to the reputation of her tenderness , what she can o'recome by the force of her merit . it is then of no service to you , madam , to be afflicted , but it is not easie to be not so ; grief is entred into you with a strong hand ; acknowledgment and friendship have introduced it into your heart ; you have not been able to dispense with your self from admitting it there . well! act your part , give up to grief all the tribute that acknowledgment and friendship require you to give : but act so , that reason may regulate what acknowledgment and friendship ought to require . take care , madam : they are often indiscreet ; and they will be so , if they suffer grief to reside too long in your soul : 't is enough they have had the credit of introducing it , they should leave you that of driving it out ; they have shewn you hitherto their power ; do you shew yours in your turn . it is near a month since your friend died , and it is near a month since you have been dying . what would acknowledgment and friendship demand of you ? would they encourage you to follow him ? reason will not . don't you observe , that heaven has not design'd to unite your destinies ? it is sufficiently shown by the interval , which it has put between your births . it gave you a a friend , already advanced in years , to instruct you how to live , and not to engage you to die ; and it was pleased to let you enjoy his conversation for some time , that we might enjoy your wisdom long . dispose your self then to follow the decrees of heaven ; put your self in a condition to improve the instructions you have received : honour your friend by your constancy , after having paid homage to him with your grief . imagine that you are to bemoan him in his presence , and don 't force him to disown your tears ; hitherto they have been becoming , but presently they will not be so . your grief appears somewhat long . the earth , which covers the ashes of your friend , is almost stiff . think upon recalling your firmness ; reason and decency do now oppose your grief : your friend opposes it himself ; and if you make use of his precepts , hereafter you shall be only free to extol his merit , to consider his relations , to cherish his friends , and to respect his memory . chap. i. of the true and false beauty of ingenious writings . by mr. savage . if the idea which all men have naturally of the true beauty of works of the mind , were not effac'd by the great number of false iudgments , there would not be so m●ny various opinions about their merit . for this idea would be a certain rule which every one would be obliged to follow ; unless one would expose himself to the universal censure of readers , who would easily discover when they were out of the way . i will not here take notice of the causes that have created in the greatest part of our writers , the common custom of giving so many wrongful opinions . some of them are general , which have so extinguisht the light of the soul upon all objects which are not exposed to our senses , that there are infinite errors in all sciences , and even reach to the distinguishing of good and evil. there are some other particular causes which are apt tohinder , of themselves , the knowing the true or false beauty of the works of the mind , when reason would be otherwise just , exact and clear. that which is must common is precipitation : for every one flatters himself that he is capable to judge , either through pride , not to be thought ignorant ; or through affection and hate , according as one is engaged in any party ; or through imitation , neither judging for or against , but only as one has heard the world talk ; or in fine , through caprice , chance , elevatition and sallie of humour , as happens oftentimes to persons of quality , who pretend that their rank gives 'em all the necessary illuminations , to know the price and worth of the gifts of the mind . but whatever these causes are , general or particular , the variety of opinions is too evident , to doubt the certainty of this truth , viz , that we don't judge upon the same idea , or by the same rule , tho' it be not certain there is one . 't is to form it in the mind , that rhetorick and poetry , and the art of writing history has been employ'd : but the more rules are invented , the more they seem to be neglected . and 't is a wonder that the most expert masters of the world , as aristotle , cicero , horace , quintilian , &c. should have so few perfect followers . it seems then , that we ought to forsake the way of precepts , and search elsewhere for sure and immutable guides , either to write well , or to iudge well of the merit of authors . to give ones self a just and exact idea , i think it would be necessary chiefly to examine any book , with some other which has acquired an universal approbation . malherbe in the late reign , excelled in the beauty of his odes , and they have preserved to this day the same charms to their intelligent and judicious readers . wherefore when you read any ode to the glory of this king , compare the stile with that of malherbe , and according as you find 'em agree , so you may venture to decide . but then the piece you compare it to must be of establish'd reputation , and which you must be sure is like to continue such ; we have seen several authors who have had very great applause , but it only continued for a very few years : during which the buzzing of the readers , and the suffrage of their friends , gave 'em their short-liv'd worth . there are but very few true modells : voiture himself is none , and much less balzac . the pretty conceits of voiture , and the flights of balzac , have both an affectation which naturally displeases ; the one endeavours to be agreeable , and make us laugh in whatever humour we are ; the other would be admir'd and esteem'd by the number of his words , and the excess of amplifications . the two letters writ to * monsieur de vivonne , imitating both their manners of writing are an excellent satyr on their stile , and easily discover the ridiculousness of these two authors , who were not long since so famous . it were easie to foretell that such will be the fate of a certain author , who composes his works upon the memoirs of the streets , and female fooleries ; who believes that all the beauty of a book , when the subject is the life of a saint , consists in bringing in some new term , or smart expression ; and is very well satisfied with himself , when the period , which has neither depth nor solidity , rowls agreeably to the point . but not to make any further offensive predictions , we know that seneca writ no otherwise , than scattering through all his works , points , antithesis's and paradoxes . he surprized his times with the arrogance of his decisions ; and there are some yet alive who hold him for a model of eloquence : but they must write very ill that imitate him , and they may be assur'd to tire those readers that have any taste or relish . 't is not with these extraordinary flourishes that nature explains her self : whatever requires a continual attention displeases , because the greatest part of men are not capable of it . there is a force and weakness in all writers whatever . this fantastical mixture makes us naturally conclude those works to be disagreeable , where we must have too intense a thought to conceive 'em ; or at least are so much below one , that they deserve not the least regard . nevertheless there are but few good writings , where the author excell'd so far as to stand for a model . we have homer and virgil for heroick poetry . horace is a perfect original of satyrs , epistles , and familiar discourses . i dont say the same thing of his odes , and i would explain my self farther , if the excellency of some of 'em did not oblige me to a respectful silence of the rest . if the * author of the long comments upon him disapproves my opinion , i will add , what may perhaps appease him : that those of anacreon are more lively , more sweet , more engaging ; and by consequence more perfect . let 's return to the authors of our own language : corneille and racine are admirable in tragedies ; nevertheless it were to be wisht , that the cleanness of expression in corneille suited with the variety , and abundant fertility of his thoughts . few authors can arrive to represent so many different characters ; to invent so many intrigues ; to make so many persons reason with so much connexion and solidity . we assist at the very action , whilst he does but represent it , and pass immediatly from the figure to the reality . 't is augustus that we hear speak in cinna . 't is the cid that we see in his first work , who cause so much talk in the court and the city , and was as it were the signal of the course , where he carryed away the prize . not but that the copiousness of his subject , the whole exttent whereof he penetrates his vast imagination , and his inexhaustible genius , sometimes has left in his expressions too much confusion , as if it were impossible to be profound and solid , and yet clear enough at the same time to be understood . but these faults hinder not , but authors of this reputation may pass for excellent models . if i were obligd to speak precisely , which of the two i would choose for a model , when i were to write for the theatre ; i would answer , that it were more difficult to follow the former , and that 't would be more sure to imitate the latter . so much shall suffice upon this subject ; and i do not think it necessary to tarry any longer upon the first head. at present i will make bold to add ; that instead of asking your self , would virgil have writ after this manner ? did malherb sing his excellent odes in such a tone ? or , if you please , is it thus that corneille , or moliere drew to their theatres , both the court and the whole kingdom ? ask you your self , is there any method more confus'd , than that of this work ? is there any design less ingenious ? the expressions , could they ever be more imperfect ? is there any imitation more low and servile than that of this book ? this is a fault very common , and it oftentimes happens , that one becomes a very bad copier of a very good original . we ought also to take a great deal of care not to fall into the whimsical design of that painter , who being to draw an extravagant picture of helena , which he design'd to represent perfectly beauteous , advis'd with himself to give her all the graces that he had heard commended in the fairest persons . in effect changing her lips into coral , her cheeks into roses , and her eyes into suns , and unskilfully joining 'em together , he made a figure like to that which horace describes in his epistle to the piso's . 't is certain he had a mind to laugh . but authors are serious people , they are careful of their reputation , and copy with gravity . but in short , whatever good a opinion an author may have of himself , 't is an easy matter to mortify his self-pride , which these people cannot forbear shewing to their friends ▪ by defying them to write worse upon the same subject . in such a case we ought to show our sincerity in the utmost degree , and to explain our selves with the greatest freedom , against the ridiculous opinionatrate of those scriblers , who never read , but to court your applause , and not your critiscism , how reasonable and just soever it may be . nevertheless , we ought to take care that we don't mistake implicity as where it is admirable for downright meanness . 't is the perfection of every work , and if i dare say so , the embellishment of beauty it self . horace has given us this advice , when he would have the manner of explaining our selves appear so natural , that thereupon an ordinary reader might judge it would be very easy to speak the same things , tho is nothing but a reflection upon all that is fine and delicate , discovers the difficulty to express our selves with the same good fortune . truth has nothing changeable in it . falsity imitates truth in all sorts of ways : we always find out the last , if we have recourse to the first , but are often cheated if we are not very diligent to discover the imposture . when we follow reason with steadiness , and arrive at thinking aptly , and expressing truly our thoughts , 't is impossible that the reader should not be mov'd , because there is in all men a natural propensity to truth so that what is really false , cannot please any longer than we are dazled with the appearance of truth , under which only it shews it self . upon this score , if the expression be mean , it will present without trouble , a great number of the like to your mind : but if it be simple , do what you will , it will please you , and you will think it the finest thing you ever saw , if your wit is not much superior to the author's , and your experience in the art of writing much more advanc'd than his . for this simplicity has different degrees of perfection as all other objects have , that present themselves to us . but it we have a mind to profit by the two rules we have already propos'd , we must necessarily have some knowledge of the defects that are to be found in the most perfect authors : for it is not my design here to instruct ordinary persons , but make some remarks for the entertainment of the curious . the first is , that one ought not to make use of metaphors too often , nor too longe : we are very much wean'd from it in this age ; and since the world has taken a new measure of the taste of true eloquence , all this pompous heap of glittering falsities has disappear'd . the learned men of the last age , who were fill'd with it by reading some of the antients , be liev'd their stile was adorn'd and set out by metaphors ; there was then ▪ as strange a caprice in eloquence , as in their other opinions . at the vanishing of that profound darkness , wherein the foregoing ages were as it were lull'd asleep , we wak'd suddenly , and then knew not distinctly enough which was the better side . the use of figurative and metaphorical expressions was first abolish'd from that minute , when we begun to discern more clearly what we ought to say . the french genius , which is lively , natural , and sincere , cannot endure these languishing , artificial and embarras'd discourses . nevertheless , we have some metaphors still left ; and it does not displease us to see * flames in anger and love ; but these expressions are become proper and literal , and can deceive no body . the second remark is ; that 't is an inexcusable fault to pass from one metaphor , by which we have begun , to a new one , and so to connect images which have no agreement amongst themselves . when a man is careful to write well , he knows how to continue , and support the same idea ; i pitty him , says the author of the characters , i give him for lost , he is cast away . it is not thus that we ought to make use of the wind , to arrive at the delightsome port of fortune . you see he takes care to mix nothing that is foreign with the first image he gave us to express what the rich think of the conduct of philosophy . this person is represented as it were upon the sea. the rich man saw he would be ship-wrackt . he saw him out of the road . he judged that 't was not so , that he ought to make use of the wind , and that he would never arrive at the port of fortune . there is not here one term which is not ally'd with the rest . but the author had committed an unpardonable solecism , if after all these expressions taken from navigation , he had hapned to say , it is not thus one ought to bear against the wind , and build his fortune . this new image of building , joyn'd to th●●e of the sea , which preceded it , would have produc'd a disagreeable effect ; whereas all being united , the discourse becomes clear and easy . the third remark resembles this , and chiefly consists in advising that we ought never to pass from one person to another in the same period . the same we may also say of the numbers , and of all that the grammarians term moods and tenses of verbs . i will give an example of this fault , taken from an author who is extraordinarily regular in his subject and stile . all that is here below , says this excellent writer , has no long duration . he should have stopt here , but he was resolved to carry on his period . wherefore he adds , and this perpetual motion of creatures , ( you may take notice already that he passes from a subject indefinite , all that is here below , to one which is determin'd ; and this perpetual motion of creatures , which have no other apparent connexion but by the conjunction , and none at all in the sence . he continues , which succeed one another . ( this adds an image altogether unnecessary , since it was sufficiently remarkt by the defect of duration , and the perpetual motion ) render as it were a continual homage to the immutability of god , who alone is always the same . i say , that these tailes of periods render 'em intricate , confused , and superfluous ; and that this is truly the stile , not of an orator , but a declamer . one might have expressed the same thing after this manner : all that is here below , has no duration , and renders as it were a continual homage to the immutability of god. i know there are some people so extreamly exact that they will not permit one to joyn an affirmative proposition with a negative so close together . i say nothing of this homage that motion renders to immutability . it is a point which signifies nothing to my design . but to quit this digression ; if authors of the most accomplisht exactness fall under these sort of faults , what must vulgar authors do ? these remarks will appear to them too severe , because they are sensible , it may be , that they are not in a condition to practise ' em . all that i can do at present in their favour , is to propose no more of ' em . our general discourse is about observations upon our tongue . and we go no farther than barely to examine , if a term be well us'd , and how long it has been in vogue . tell me , i beseech you , may not your discussion go farther . can a work be said to be perfect , when 't is only compos'd of choice words ? if this is your opinion , you are easie to be contented ; but there are a great many men more difficult , because they are more delicate . chap. ii. of the cleanness of expression . by mr. manning . i was formerly too indulgent , and perhaps am now become too nice and severe . in the heat of youth , and those first ardours of passion , a man is not acquainted with the discreet coldness of a life somewhat more advanced ; we observe with pleasure , that authors who have been admired both by the ancients and moderns , have embraced the same follies , which our inclinations recommend to us . the licentiousness and debaucheries of petronius's stile , have nothing then that shocks our nature : it is without any disturbance to our modesty , that we still represent its irregularities ; and as if there was not obscenity enough in his fragments , we regret the loss of what is wanting with as lively a concern , as if we had lost the only discourse that could preserve decency and manners amongst men. i bethink my self , too late perhaps , to make these reflections ; but it usually happens , when we have arrived at our journeys end , and are talking of our travels , and the road we followed , that then and only then we perceive our going a stray . this is one sort of going astray , and i don't know if there be a grosser , than to address ones self to all ones contemporaries , nay , to all those who shall come after us , without having any thing but what is highly undecent and unseemly to tell them : and this proceeds from ignorance . they don't know , at least they don't consider that there is a secret pride in the bottom of the soul , which obliges us to take exceptions against too licentious a conversation , as a want of respect . to this pride we are obliged , that those splendid names of glory , decency , and publick civility are still preserved . but tho pride were silent , and somebody had found out a mystery to make it hold its peace , which i confess is a very difficult task , yet virtue would not be silent ; she has not as yet so utterly abandoned man-kind , but that they still pay a great respect and veneration to her . the modesty of one whole sex will be always armed for her defence ; and the greatest part of the employments of men are only taken up for her sake . pleasure it self , i speak of lawful and indifferent pleasure , dishonours whosoever seeks it with affectation , or who procures it for another . thus , i know no satyr , included in one word , more stabbing than that of being call'd the comptroller of nero's pleasures . since i declare so freely against my self , by disowning the praises i have given to petronius , no one will expect that i should spare the raillery of cicero in his oration for coelius . i freely own , that he was brought up in business , and knew the world ; that he raised himself by his merit , much above his birth ; that he was equal in dignity to pompey and caesar. but certainly he forgot himself , when indulging his natural propensity to raillery , he reproached , in full senate , clodia , for making her younger brother lie with her , propter nocturnos quosdam metus . a man may easily find out the equivocation ; but i wonder that so great a man should tax caelius with so great a crime only by way of irony , if he believed it to be true ; or that he should give himself the liberty to accuse him of it , if he believed it not . it were to be wished , that what has been required of orators , were likewise required of all authors , and even poets . virum bonum oratorem esse oportet . we have mightily neglected this precept in our language . our old french poets were almost all guilty of writing obscenely . desportes is the man that fell into this vein , with the greatest affecta●ion and impudence imaginable . but since voiture , who had a refined genius , and who conversed with the politest company carefully shun'd this sordid , this ungentleman like way of writing ; the theatre it self has no longer suffered our authors to write any thing too licentious . thus all this liberty is no more supported even in the most familiar conversations ; and if our age is not more chast than the preceding ones ; at least it knows how to manage the outside , and to set it self off with the appearance of virtue . our niceness goes yet further ; and we cannot ●●dure now adays to see the description of any object that is apt to leave a bad idea behind it . all that we can suffer a sick man to do , is to tell his distemper : we give some ease to his indisposition , in hearkning to him with some little attention : but this complaisance which we express to his infirmity , is no excuse for it ; especially if he descends into too long a relation of particulars . but , except this occasion , 't is not possible to make a description of things , for which we have naturally an aversion , without offending the company ; notwithstanding this has been the defect of many authors . buchanan has described a dream with all the luscious figures of rhetoric . st. amant has discovered a world of debaucheries with all the plainness peculiar to his stile ; but upon such subjects , both rhetorick and plainness are unseasonably lost . let us return to cicero . now ought this consul , when he was declaiming against piso , in the presence of the senate , to have made use of terms , which in so lively a manner represent the most beastly circumstances of drunkenness ? his discription is charged with particulars , which must needs be very nauseous and disagreeable . catullus also might have given to the annals of volusius another term , than that of cacata charta . this poet , who pretended to a purity of stile , should have abstained from an epithet so gross and so licentious . martial found out a by-way to commend the cleanliness of his mistresses lap-dog , yet for all that he has faln into a very unseasonable expression , gutta pallia nec fefellit ulia . it had been more proper to have said nothing of it . without doubt these authors were corrupted by their bad morals . there was in their times , how fine soever we may represent them , so total an ignorance of what the laws of true decency require from us , that they have not produced one author who has observed them with exactness . but , in endeavouring to avoid this fault , be cautious least you fall into another , very common in our days . passions and vices are described to us in such pretty colours , even in the pulpit , that a man can hardly perceive what deformity they have in them . there are those persons that know how to conceal the impieties and extravagancies of the most pernicious manners , in order to hide what conformity they maintain to the weakness and frailty of our hearts . we should be too much startled to know the impiety thereof . no body would draw down upon himself the vengeance of heaven . we are too much humbled in a severe examination of our extravagancies and no one has a mind to be ridicuous . but to be frail , to be subject to infirmities , this is no more than being born man ; and no one thinks he ought to be ashamed of his birth , or of his destiny . i should therefore rather chuse a description which would faithfully represent things , than those flattering pictures which fortify men in their false opinions , or in their usual disorders . however , don't follow iuvenal's footsteps , or assume the liberty to make the grossest representations of the greatest irregularities : in vain doth an author so abominably licentious and impudent persuade me to hate the excesses of messalina , i hate him even more than i do her ; and the lewdnesses of his wit that are sufficiently discovered in the boldness of his stile , scandalize me infinitely more than those of the most abandon'd women , who are blindly transported by the fury of their passions . i love his translator better than him : he took great care to preserve the cleanness of his stile in such ill company . he has omitted nothing in the satyrs of his author , but what might hinder the secure reading of them . his fine indignation at the vices of rome , his fire , his vivacity , even to the tone of declame , which was the true character of iuvenal , he has preserved entire . and let it never be said that satyr divested of these excesses , is less agreeable ; for 't is certain , that nothing but the salt of acute raillery makes up the whole entertainment in that sort of poetry ; and that on the other side , grossness of expression and thought , cannot fail to displease those gentlemen that have the least delicacy . which is easily justified by the example of monsieur * despreaux ; for do we read any of the ancients with greater satisfaction ? and yet can one carry further , than he has done , discretion and reservedness . his muse always chast , always modest , knows how to pursue vice , and to condemn it , as virtue it self uses to do , by its light , and by its vehemence : for we should overstretch things , and push them to the utmost rigour , should we say , he had done better if he had afforded no room for the la neveu in his works . what he says in that respect is so short , that he deserves to be excused , if it be a fault ; and if not , we must acknowledg that he has taught us , that a man may speak sometimes of such a person , provided he observes the temperaments of this author , in one or two words , and yet never infringe the rules of decency . but lucretius neglects this conduct at the end of one of his books : a man must certainly have his veins kindled with the flame of love , a burning aetna in the bottom of his soul ; or , to leave these great expressions , a man must be a madman , as in effect he was , to tire his reader with a long description , and that in the most extravagant and nasty circumstances , of the dreams and illusions of a young man. the more i consider of this passage , the less i discover those reasons which make people generally so fond of so violent , so imperious an author : when he would act the serious man , and the reasoner , 't is then he 's utterly lost , and knows not what he says : witness that verse which i have often heard so impertinently quoted . primus in orbe deos fecit timor . that is to say , fear induced men to believe , that there were gods. for if one should ask him , who is it that produced this fear ? would not he have been obliged to answer , that it is the natural idea which men conceive of a divinity ? for fear , and other passions , are no otherwise raised in us than by the objects which excite them by the means of the imagination or thought . but if i find in my self the idea of a divinity , before i find that fear which i ought to have for it , this fear then is the effect , and not the cause of the thought i conceive of it . a man needs but very little penetration , and extent of mind to make so obvious a discovery ? if he has a mind to descend from this state , which doth not suit with his talent , why must he go throw away fine expressions , to represent impertinent things , to insist upon them so long , and not to leave , till he had exhausted it , so ridiculous a subject , as that of the dreams of an age , which performs nothing , even in the day time , that deserves our attention ? if this is beauty , or delicacy , or learning , i heartily congratulate the grossness of our days , which certainly would near bear so irregular a freedom in any author whatsoever . i wish with all my heart i could excuse ausonius , that illustrious consul of gaul ; but the consequence of this remark carries me in spite of my self , to speak of him , nay , and to speak ill of him , what can be finer than his thanksgiving to the emperor upon the subject of his consulship ? pliny the d , would have envied him this work . what can be more ingenious , than the punishment of cupid in the elisian fields , and those sufferings and reproaches which the heroines made him undergo , who had all of them some cause to make their complaints of him ? he must , for the misfortune of his reputation , amuse himself in that employment , which of all things in the world is most unworthy of a learned man : judge what time he lost in busying himself to pick up sometimes a beginning of a verse in virgil , sometimes an end ; and tack all these different parts together , in order to compose a poor wretched cento . what shall i say of those expressions of virgil , which tho they were innocent as they lay in him , yet as ausonius has managed and sorted them , they are conscious of all the indecencies that imagination can possibly form to it self ? behold now a strange description of this man. he that was author of a serious work , which he addresses to a great emperour , who has wit and learning , as we may sufficiently see in many other places of his books , is notwithstanding the same that prostitutes his muse , and composes an infamous poem out of several pieces of poetry very harmless in themselves . to condemn all these insolences , doth not argue too great a sowrness of spirit ; many persons would be pleased to see even virgil himself condemned for the interview of eneas and dido in that cave of the th of the eneids . speluncam , dido , dux & trojanus , eandew , deveniunt . — nor would they be less willing to condemn homer for what passed between iuno and iupiter , upon the mount olympus . these two great and illustrious authors have avoided a thousand occasions , wherein any other person would have lost himself . if paris and helena converse together in the iliad , 't is only to reproach one another . calypso , circe , the syrens of the odysses , contain nothing that offends modesty . vlysses doth not abuse the favours of the princess nausicaa . a man who has a truly great soul , elevated and noble ; a vast genius , and an imagination clear and well disposed , will never stoop and descend to that meanness which i here condemn . or any method . i will tell you , with all sincerity , what the desire to satisfie you , rather than study or experience , suggested to me upon this subject . the first step that a man makes into the world , generally determines all the rest , and is the foundation of his reputation , and best presage of his fortune ; and , from the first marches that he makes , those that have had experience , will tell you how far he will advance . 't is then very necessary to make this first step with a great deal of caution , and to signalize ones entry by something that is glorious and great . there is a great deal of art in gaining the publick esteem , and to make ones talents appear so to advantage , that the world shall never disgust , or be glutted with ' em . the means to preserve ones reputation , is to produce something more and more excellent , and to provide a fresh nutriment for the general admiration , which seems always to grow up equal with our merit . the great actions we do , promise something greater ; and the good ought to be follow'd by better . a great man ought not then to suffer the depth of his capacity to be sounded , if he will be always esteem'd by the vulgar : he ought , on the contrary , to behave himself after such a manner , as never to discover all that he knows , and that no man may have it in his power to assign limits to his learning . for , let a man be never so learned the opinion we have of him , when we know him but by halves , goes always farther than the idea we conceive of him , when we are wholly acquainted with him . therefore let him take care not to discover his ability all at once , but make an absolute use of his cunning. he should always to manage himself with caution , that he may be able to disengage himself from the inconveniencies he may fall into ; and , to have a hidden reserve , where he may command suitable succours , to repair his greatest mistakes , and to retrieve him from his greatest oversights . as the success of the most judicious undertakings depends upon the meeting of a multitude of conjunctures , many of which chance can only reconcile ; an excellent man ought not ever to commit his reputation to the risque of a conversation , a dispute , or an interview ; for , if it does not succeed with him , he never recovers it : and no man can be sure not to fail in an essay or a tryal ; since nothing is more common , than to find ones first projects disappointed . he ought then to expose his reputation to the hazard of the enterprize , whatever advantage he may promise himself from its success . on the contrary , the great art of all consists in not discovering all one knows at once , but to unfold it ( if i may speak so ) by degrees , and always to nourish and excite curiosity . the magazine should always answer the occasions ; and the piece should not belie the pattern : in fine , a man ought always to keep exactly to what he promises . 't is upon this consideration only , that great masters never discover the whole mystery of their art in their lessons to their schollars , and by that means they remain always the masters ; the source of their instructions never dries away , and as 't is not communicated but by proportion and measure , they never exhaust that fund of knowledge , whence they draw continually both to satisfie the expectation of others , and to keep up their own reputation . there is one thing more that i would recommend to an ingenious man , and that is , to be seen as seldom as may be ; for as his presence diminishes the esteem one has of him , so his absence and distance augments it . fame every day encreases objects , and the imagination goes much beyond the sight . we ought not then to be lavish of our selves ; we ought to make ourselves expected to be truly welcome . the desire any one has for us , is commonly the measure of the esteem they have of us : happiness is better tasted when it has been a long time expected ; and the pleasure that costs one something , is much more ardently sought after , than that which is easie : so the nicest people find in hunger a sauce that all the ragouts could not give to their victuals ; and 't is a refining of epicurism not to satisfie our senses and appetites but by halves . a man should never make himself familiar with the vulgar , least he lose that air of dignity , which a retreat and serious life bestows on those that shew themselves but seldom : for presence brings to light those defects which absence would conceal . the most pretious things lose their worth as soon as they become common . those great inclinations we have for rarities are chang'd into scorn , when we find 'em to be had every-where ; and the mind is much more delicate and difficult to satisfie than the senses , which are glutted with the most delicious and exquisite viands , when they are made their daily food . thus we may see the farther a learned man is from us , the more we wish for his company ; the more he absconds the more we look after him : not that he ought to render himself inaccessible ; nothing but a mean genius ought to be difficult to come at , being conscious that his merit would not bear too near a scrutiny ; there is in this a medium that consists between a haughtiness that despises others , and a familiarity which makes ourselves cheap . there are many other things might be said upon this matter , and the more i endeavour to measure the extent of 'em , the less i discover their bounds . let us proceed then step by step : let us clear , if we can , this confusion of idaeas , which present themselves in crowds to the mind , and follow some sort of order , which may hinder us from fruitless wandering . the first thing , in my opinion , that a young man ought to do , who has a mind to settle himself with success in the world is , to know his planet , for there is no body but has one , and 't is want of being acquainted with it , that an infinite number of people have not made their fortune as they might have done in the world. how many men do we see in favour , who have not thought it possible they should be known by great men , yet they have been so by the effect of their destiny ? and as soon as they have made an entry , and are setled in their posts , they need but ordinary capacities to maintain ' em . therefore we ought to search with care our predominant destiny . he that fails at the court , perhaps , may succeed in the city : and , he that finds himself the jest of the town , may set up for a wit , and be admir'd in the country . in a word , no man is a prophet in his own country . 't is necessary then to know how to transplant onesself . many great men had never been known , if they had always tarried in the place of their birth . some men must stand in a good light , to appear in their true lustre . we see every day several persons that would have been the scandal of their order , if they had continued in it , yet forsaking it , they have become the honour of another . men succeed oftentimes better in one condition than in another , altho' they have not a better genius for that which they have undertaken , than that which they leave . 't is to nothing but their fate that we ought to attribute the rise or fall of most great persons : wherefore every one ought to look into his lot , to content himself with it , and follow it ; for , to think to make ones fortune by any other means , is , to have a mind to sail against wind and tide . the second thing that is necessary for a young man to do , is to know his good and ill qualities ; for every thing in the world is mixt with good and evil. there is no man but has something good in him , which may become excellent , if it be cultivated . such a one would have become a great man , if he had known his strength , and perfected his best talents . but the most part force their genius , and lose the reward of their course , because they drive beyond the posts that should bound their career . he ought also to know his predominant defect , for every body has one , which counterballances in a manner his excelling good quality ; and if one takes a resolution to destroy it , one may infallibly succeed . but one ought to take it in good time , and to labour with a great deal of courage and perseverance ; for 't is not a small matter to destroy a vice that is born , and has grown up with us . when a young man is arriv'd so far , he ought not to think , that he must presently enter upon upon the world , and embark in some employ ; he must reflect upon it a long time first ; he must consider his abilities , provide himself of patrons , and measure the height of the undertaking he pretends to : he ought , if i may be allow'd the expression , to feel the pulse of his affairs , and to wait a long time , if it be necessary ; for it belongs only to wise men never to precipitate , and be impatient for any thing . he that never grieves , or puts himself in a passion , shews that he is an absolute master of himself ; and when once a man is master of himself , he is not long after of others also . there is a certain term to bring great designs to maturity ; those that can expect it , are commonly paid with usury for their patience ; for , in many things delay does more than force . precipitation ruins the best-laid enterprizes ; whereas patience ripens the most difficult designs , and renders the execution of them easie . not but that it becomes a young man , to tempt fortune by some bold and couragious action ; for , on the contrary , this way seldom fails of success , and the character of attempting is almost a certain pledge or security for the success of any enterprize whatsoever . nothing more resembles sottishness than cowardise ; whereas a little bravery supplys oftentimes the want of ability . we ought not then to be afraid so much of the merit of others , nor suffer any idea we may have of it to give us any disturbance before 'em ; for , how much soever one is possess'd in favour of a man of great reputation , he shall not have a long time convers'd with him , before he finds a great deal to be abated of the excess of his reputation ; and that every one has his weaknesses , which level him with the vulgar , as much as he is removed from 'em by his merit . a man that is upon the rise dazles us if we regard him at any distance ; but let us come near him , and his personal defects will immediately moderate the foreign gloss that he but borrow'd from his rank and dignity . let us then be upon the guard , against a power that an imagination too favourably byass'd usurps over our reason . it no more becomes a learned man to be fearful , than an ignorant to be bold . we ought to know how to undertake seasonably : 't is not enough to begin , we ought to know how to proceed in an undertaking . there are a great many men who are only good to broach an affair , but are absolutely unfit to finish it : 't is from this default that many great battels have been gained without any great advantages to the conquerors , because they tarried behind to reap the fruit of the victory , when they should pursue the advantages . and 't is from the same principle that a statesman , in publick affairs , commits the same solecisms , as a private man does in those of his family . if a man after having taken his measures on all sides , happens to succeed in any thing , let him take a great deal of care not to suffer himself to be overcome with the flattering design , which self-love inspires those with , who have too much satisfaction in any happy success : for there is need of as much moderation not to be corrupted by one's good fortune , as patience not to be cast down at the bad : besides , one ought to have the power to stop one's self in the middle of one's most favourable enterprizes : the torrent of prosperity ought not to carry us away against our wills. 't is often times necessary not to desire one's victory as far as one might ; a wise retreat is no less glorious than a couragious attack ; 't is by retiring from the world in good time , that we can secure the glory we have acquired in it ; and 't is the character of a consumated merit , to be able to live in a retreat with honour , after having liv'd in the publick with lustre . see here , my lord , in what manner it seems to me , that a young man who would maintain an illustrious figure in the world , ought to begin , proceed , and finish his actions . i am very well assured there are many other things might be said upon this subject , but in the little i have writ upon this occasion , there is enough to make me understood to one , that has had so much experience as your lordship , and whose thoughts are so much elevated above those of other men. reflections upon what a man ought to do to live happy . 't is a great advantage towards the tranquility of life , to behold it through the most agreeable part of it : a thing must be very adverse indeed , that one cannot draw some profit from ; we grieve oftentimes , and give ourselves abundance of trouble for something that in a little time becomes of itself easie to us . . satyr may give us a great deal of pleasure , whether we write it our selves or hear it from another ; but this pleasure should not inspire us with a kind of melancholy , that is to be seen in the conversation of some people who are seriously concerned at the follies or extravagancies of other men ; who are not pleased with the condition they find the world in , and do not consider disagreeable objects , but to be displeased with ' em . what good did it do heraclitus to sigh and grieve ? did he by those means reform the abuses of the age ? the wisest side is to take care of one's self , and to leave to others the managing their own persons : has not every one enough to do with his own affairs ? . when a man is in trouble , he ought to remember that he has had some favourable minutes , and impute to his good fortune all his former happiness ; in short , one is less unhappy when one can charm one's sorrows either by a remembrance , or an hope of a condition more happy . . the greatest part of mankind look upon the honours , riches , and pleasures of others , as adulterers do upon other mens wives , in despising those they enjoy : cannot a man make use of life with pleasure without possessing all that may belong to it ? why should we make a necessity of an hundred things without which we may live content enough , providing we be but a little reasonable . . although ambition oppose this , yet we are more at quiet when we consider those that are below us : she would have us aspire to the first rank , and despise this petty sort of tranquillity ; but had she any better recompense to put in its place ? . the measure of our happiness ought to be taken from that of our passions : he that has the fewest desires , hopes , or such like other motions of the mind , without doubt will be the most content . . there is nothing except the desire of vertue , which ought to be limited , if one would live happy : for in fine , how many vertues are there incompatible ? how many undertakings which are not proper to all sorts of people ? it ought to suffice us that acquit ourselves in the employ wherein we are , and there to bound all our duty . . that man 's truly miserable who goes to search for sorrows in futurity ; 't is an abiss so profound that the prospect from above is enough to fright one . to make use of the present good is a very rare secret : but not that a man ought to be prepar'd for the different accidents of life . this may shield us from the insults of fortune . no misfortune can happen to us when one has a sufficient fund of patience and reason to overcome it . . 't is very much to misunderstand one's self , to be troubled and frighted when one has done amiss . a man must have a great deal of vanity , not to know his weakness . but if he knows it , at least he may gain this advantage by it , to remain in a calm condition after any frailty whatsoever . . there is nothing more frights the world than death , as if it were not a passage to a better life . live well , and the thoughts of death will but create in you an excess of joy. . let not your soul , prevented by any austere maxims , hinder you from taking the innocent pleasure of life . there are some men that build themselves up a merit , by refusing the smallest , and most natural sweets that heaven has been pleas'd to mingle with the bitters of life , to render them supportable . . solid content proceeds from a good conscience ; without that , there is no pleasure which does not become uneasie , for there is no body that receives more satisfaction or uneasiness , than either to be in good or bad circumstances with himself . now 't is the thought that we have performed our duty , that makes us be content at home ; and on the other hand , nothing gives us more pain and inquietude , than the mortifying reflections we make on the ill disposition of our hearts . . happy is the man who knows to make a right judgment of what is truly good , and truly evil ; for there are a thousand false scruples , that nevertheless give us true vexations : and therefore , if we desire to regulate them , we must by no means reject the natural instincts we have of all that is really good. the quiet of those persons who have lost their conscience , is a lamentable lethargy , that leads to infallible destruction . of logick , by the same hand . instead of a great number of precepts , of which the logick we learn at the college is wholly compos'd , and which are for the most part , either unprofitable , or too intricate ; it seems to me , that these four only may suffice to all those , who have a mind to conduct their reason surely in their search after truth . . we ought not to determine , that a thing is , or is not , without having a reason for it , that is explain'd in so clear terms that it may naturally convince the mind . . for fear of suffering one's self to be carry'd away by a precipitancy of mind , or prejudice , to which we are so obnoxious , we ought to examine all the terms in which any reason is laid down , dividing it into as many parts as we can : for it is not possible for us , having our minds so confin'd , to judge well of a thing , unless we examine it peice-meal . . moreover , we ought to establish an order in all the thoughts that a subject is fill'd with . that which is the most simple , most general , and most easie to be understood , ought to precede that which is most confus'd ; because there is nothing which is a greater help than this order , to know if one be not deceiv'd in reasoning ; that is to say , in making one thing follow another . . in fine , we ought to take a great deal of care , to make so exact an enumeration , that we may be assur'd , that nothing is omitted . if but one thing be forgot , 't is impossible there should not be some defect or other in what we propose . to comprehend in fewer words these four maxims , remember , . not to judge of any thing which is obscure , or without proof . . divide the thing you are to judge of . . take care to have a method in your thoughts . . that the enumeration you make be entire . of the multitude of words , or the number of books . i cannot well explain my thoughts upon this subject , without making use of this question , viz. whether it be not true , that those who divine , or conjecture upon any private affairs , do not speak much more , and say many more things than those who know the secret ? what is not daily said about affairs of state , when 't is the prince only that knows the mystery ? one word from his mouth would explain better all the different faces of things , than all that the politicians commonly babble . hence it seems to me , that a man may well think , that the more books he sees upon a subject , the more he may conclude we know nothing of the matter . of every thing there is but one truth to be known ; but for want of this knowledge , there is a multitude of groundless conjectures . of moral philosophy . moral philosophy ought to endeavour to conduct us in the search of good , as logick guides us in the search of truth . so then , that of the college is not truly moral philosophy ; for 't is certainly true , that it only proposes some unprofitable questions , concerning the idea that one ought to have of the order of things that create our happiness , of the number of our passions , and other metaphysical points which serve for nothing else but matter for a dispute . the true moral philosophy ought to teach us , . what it is truly to act like reasonable creatures , that is to say , with liberty ; it therefore first treats of humane actions , that is to say , rational , or free . . after having suppos'd , that nothing but free actions are good , or evil , it inquires what this goodness , or evilness of our actions is ; or if there can be any indifferent . . for this reason as the goodness of our actions depends upon their rule , and their end , it inquires what is the certain rule , and the certain end. . then it teaches us , that we have not her rule but the law of god , which it considers two ways : . as it is written in the books of moses , &c. and the gospel , interpreted according to the fathers of the church . and , . in every man's conscience . . as to what concerns the end , it shows that it consists not in vertue only , which the pagans sought after with so great a passion , but that god only ought to be the object , upon which all our love is employ'd , of which it discovers to us the absolute necessity . . next , considering that the passions are a certain obstacle to it , it does not so much teach us to know them , as how to tame them . . in fine , because men are obliged by the necessities of life , to live together , it speaks of the duties of justice , which we owe to one another , whatever condition we are in . it seems to me , that , if every one followed these rules in the study of morality , one might make a much greater progress , and find more pleasure , than in the insipid systems of the phylosophy of the schools . maxims of morality reason , which obliges us to be oftentimes irresolute in our judgments , because the greatest part of objects do not present themselves to our minds with proof enough to make them well understood , obliges us not to be so in our actions ; for being to live with one another , 't is necessary to chuse at last some sort of conduct , which we should constantly observe , till we can find a better . for in the same manner , as a man who pulls down one house to build up another , makes choice , by way of provision , of some place where to stand while he builds it ; so when a man would examine with care his thoughts , and reform his soul from the prejudices it may have imbid'd , he ought to provide himself , after the same manner , of a morality which may serve him for a rule . this morality may be reduc'd to four maxims : . to obey the laws and customs of the country where one is born , and to follow in all things , the most moderate opinions , without disapproving , or condemning any person . . to be so constant in this conduct , that one has chosen , as not to have any regard to whatever may be said , to put us out of conceit with it : like in this to travellers , who finding themselves in a forrest , ought not to wander this way , or that way , but go as directly as they can in the same path , and not to change it , for idle reasons ; for at last they must come to some end , wherein all probability , they will be better than in the middle of the wood. . to deliver themselves from all those disquiets , which are wont to move those feeble and staggering spirits , which suffer themselves to be turned inconstantly by all sorts of examples : for these agitations , and these unprofitable , and confus'd reflections amuse the mind ; and take away from it all the force it should have . . of all the kinds of morality , we ought rather to make use of that which teaches us to vanquish ourselves , than that which has no other end , but to triumph over fortune , and to change our desires , without pretending to change any thing in the order of the world. i believe this was the secret of thosej philosophers , who , inspite of the incommodities of life , were able to dispute happiness with their gods : but it is impossible to experience this secret , unless one be throughly perswaded , that there is nothing truly in our power , but our thoughts , and our desires . with these few maxims one may observe a regular conduct , till one has formed another from long experience , if it be possible to find a better ; life being short , and the occasions of improving it very rare . to the earl of ormond all men have a mind to be happy . this desire leaves us not , during the course of our lives ; 't is a truth wherein all the world are of one opinion . but to render our selves happy with less trouble , and to be so with security , without fearing to be disturb'd in one's happiness , we ought to act in such a manner , my lord , that others may be so with us ; for , if one pretends to take care only of himself , he will find continual oppositions : and when we will not be happy , but upon condition , that others may be so likewife , all obstacles are removed , and all the world agrees with us . 't is this management of happiness for our selves and others , which we ought to call honesty , and which properly speaking is nothing but self-love well manag'd . honesty ought then to be consider'd , as the desire of being happy , but after a manner , that others may be so too . let us look into , let us examine all vertuous actions , and we shall find they are all of this nature , and that they all move upon the same principle . to possess this honesty in the highest degree , we ought to have a sound understanding , and our hearts honest , and both to agree together . by the power of our understanding , we know what is most just , and most reasonable to say and do ; and by the honesty of the heart , we never fail to be willing to do , and say the same . when a man has but one of these two , he cannot pretend to compleat honesty ; for the power of the former does vainly comprehend reason and justice : if the integrity of the heart ben't on its side , nothing is executed , nothing is done . and in like manner , if the integrity of the heart be alone , and the assistance of the soul be wanting to guide it , it will blindly feell out its way , without ever knowing exactly the road it ought to take . these two things are essential to make an honest man ; and since 't is so rare a matter to see them separately , how much ought it to be more rare , to see them together ? but , my lord , when they meet in the same person , what greatness do they not show , what justice , what charms , and what reason ? a man of this character compleats equally all his duties , however extended , or different they may be . he is a good subject , a good father , a good friend , a good citizen , a good master : he is indulgent , humane , assisting , charitable , and sensible of the misfortunes of another . he is circumspect , he is modest , he doth not act the man of censure , or pride ; he takes notice of another's faults , but never talks of them , nor does seem to have seen them . he is not in the least interess'd , but , as he knows the necessities of life ; his conduct is always regulated , and he never lives in disorder . he is not mov'd , but by true merit . that which is call'd grandeur , authority , fortune , riches ; all these do not enchant him , and 't is this which hinders him from taking sometimes the way to fortune . although he be agreeable , and of good converse , yet he is enough retir'd , and loves not a crowd : so we may see he seldom endeavours to show himself upon the theatre of the world : but if his birth or fortune are pleas'd to place him there , as he has a vast wit , as he is prodigiously apprehensive , penetrating , expert , and what not , he performs his part esxceedingly well . the honest man makes a great account of wit , but yet he makes a greater of reason . he loves truth in all things ; he would willingly know all things , but is not vext , if he knows nothing . he takes care of all , examines all , knows the worth , force , and weakness of all . he esteems nothing , but according to its true value . the nicest errors and disappointments do not impose upon him , nor make any impression upon his mind . the honest man , in short , says nothing , and does nothing , which is not agreeable , just , reasonable , and which does not lead to the making all men happy . 't is then evident , my lord , that to make the world happy , 't is necessary to establish honesty in it . but to bring this about , 't would not suffice to know in what condition it is at present in ; 't is necessary also , to know how it ought to be , and how it would be in effect , if all men were reasonable . in the present estate of the world , every thing is almost out of order : honesty has no place in it , and honest men live in it , as it were a strange country . the re-establishment of honesty amongst men , would be easie for kings ; and to accomplish this great work , they would have nothing else to do , but to prefer good men , and punish the bad . if all men were reasonable , there would be nothing among us , but our natural infirmities , as sickness , old age , and death . nevertheless , we have a thousand others , as prevention , madness , ambition , perfidiousness , ignorance , and the contempt of knowledge . there is nothing else in the world that attracts the eyes and esteem of all men , but great birth , and the glory of war ; all other deserts , if i may speak so , are sad and languishing , and not taken notice of . 't is very just that the merits of war should be consider'd ; the fatigues , wounds , and death itself , to which the brave are so often expos'd , ought yet to be more taken notice of then they are : nevertheless , if one compares the honours that are bestowed upon 'em , with those of persons dignify'd in other arts , we shall find that they are enough rewarded . there is this unhappiness in the merit of the mind , that few people understand it , and that even in this small number there are some who have no great esteem for it . it is not the same with riches ; all the world esteems them , the poor as well as the rich : the other gifts of fortune have the same advantages ; the men of the lowest birth aim at greatness , and do what they can to raise themselves , &c. maxims for the vse of life . men never commend freely , and without interest : some advantage must come to 'em , or it must cost him something considerable that has a mind to be well prais'd . those that are of high birth are continually respected , their name alone is a great elogy ; there is not a greater priviledge amongst men. the conditions of the most unfortunate are the most despised ; their miserie 's alone are not enough , but there must be added to 'em shame and scorn ; men are in truth very cruel . one must never say , citizen , country boor , and such like . all these names are injurious , and words of contempt ; one must endeavour to avoid 'em , for they do but create malice amongst men : but we must preserve the names of knave , traytor , ungrateful fellow , and others of such nature , on purpose to cast a shame on those that deserve it . we ought not to despise those that are in want , but rather on the contrary give 'em some marks of our esteem : and as contempt is , it may be , one of the greatest misfortunes of poverty , we may sweeten in some manner their troubles , by declaring , without affectation , that we do not esteem 'em less , however unhappy they be . one must be affable and courteous to one's domesticks , and by this behaviour comfort 'em in their conditions . 't is the work of fortune that they are so low , and that we are above'em . we must not be rigorous in what regards our own interests : nothing becomes a man better than to release a little of his priviledge . one must avoid great play , 't is a divertisement too dangerous ; anger , heat and quarrels accompany it always ; it procures a man often times bad nights , and at long run it perpetually incommodes him : nor is this all , he must be always upon his gard ; lest he be cheated , and 't is but an uneasie condition to be always as in an enemy's country . a man ought not to have any thing remarkable or too gay in his habit , discourse , or manners : it seems to me that the modest air becomes one better than that which they call the bel-air ; 't is good to have in one's countenance something great , that procures both esteem and respect ; but the courteous , and honest air does not create less good effects ; 't is from thence that we make our selves belov'd : for the fierce air that is so much esteem'd , in my opinion , is only proper for war. we ought to learn not to disquiet our selves , and to study well this lesson . the court , if i may say so , is an epitome of the whole kingdom ; whatever is most exquisite and pure , is there met with . the manner of speaking , the the modes , the air , and the customs are there excellent . the greatest part of these things are not learnt , but by the success , as physick is not well understood , but by experience : however , it seems to me , that one ought to endeavour to know them by their causes , which would be the best and surest way . and to this end , we ought to know the nature of those things which please , and be skill'd in the hearts of men. there is no other study , but how to please in the courts of princes , because there a man makes his fortune by rendring himself agreeable . hence it comes , that courtiers are so polisht . on the contrary , in towns and republicks where men manage their affairs by labour , the the last of their cares is to please , and 't is that which renders them so clownish . that which we call the last in a figurative sence , is a very rare thing , and is found but in very few people . one can scarce learn it , or teach it , but it must be born with us . exquisite knowledge seems to be above it , and carries a greater latitude ; but in truth , for the commerce of the world , and most affairs of life , a true judgment equals its worth , and possesses its place . when we have got this advantage , we ought not to despise those which have it not . to be agreeable , and good company , a man ought to think discreetly , and readily upon all that is said in conversation ; and this cannot be , if one has not an excellent wit , a great deal of memory , and an imagination suitable . one ought also to be master of one's language , by knowing all the niceties , beauties , and delicacies of it . we ought to suit ourselves to the capacities of those we converse with , and to take in some manner , the heighth , and the degree of their wit. we ought to take a great deal of care not to affect the vanity to be the head of the company . one makes himself more agreeable , when one hears willingly , and without jealousie ; and susters others to have wit as well as himself . there is no subject so barren , upon which there may not be something well said ; but even when the subject affords nothing , a man of sense has always in reserve , some agreeable manner of speaking , of which he is an absolute master , and which can never fail him : apt words are rare , and depend upon time and chance . narratives and stories do not always succeed ; we ought not to make use of them often ; but when we find ourselves engaged in them , we must take care that they be not long , and that there be always something particular and diverting , to surprize the company . one must avoid repetitions . we care not to hear what we know already , and we can reap no more benefit by , things that are new , great , universal , and those which have the air of great persons , are always pleasing , because men are curious ; because they despise those things that are limited , and of small consequence , and are commonly very much affected with grandeur . 't is for this reason , that what comes from the country , from little towns , and private quarters , is but indifferently received . we are apt to imagine , that politeness , and a good tast is not to be found there . the same reason occasions also , that figures d●●wn from war , hunting , and the sea , are so well receiv'd ; and that we cannot endure those that are taken from mean professions ; of which the world makes but small account . one must not expect , that conversations should be always equal ; they depend upon chance , as well as other things . a man can't become learn'd , or agreeable , if he does not love reading ; without it the best natural parts are commonly dry and barren . he ought to behave himself so , that in his actions , discourse , and manners there may be always a certain air of politeness , that never forsakes him : nothing is more shameful than to be ignorant . politeness is a mixture of discretion , civility , complaisance , and circumspection ; accompanied with an agreeable air scatter'd throughout , whatever one says , or does . and as so many things are essentially necessary to acquire this politeness , it is no wonder if it is uncommon . whether it is , that women are naturally more polite , or that to please them , the spirit raises , and embellishes itself ; 't is principally from them , that this politeness is learnt . a letter to monsieur justel . by mr. savage . i am over-joy'd to see you in england . the conversation of a man so knowing , and so curious as you , will give me a great deal of satisfaction . but permit me to disapprove of the resolution you have taken to quit france , so long as i see you maintain for her so tender , and so loving a memory . when i see you doleful and desolate on the shoar of our thames wishing for paris ; you put me in mind of the poor israelites bewailing their jerusalem upon the banks of euphrates . either live happy in england , in an entire liberty of conscience , or accommodate your self to the catholick religion in your own country , to enjoy the advantages you thirst after . is it possible , that images , ornaments , ceremonies , and other such like things , upon which you establish so many ill grounded disputations , and which you make so unreasonably the subject of separation ; should trouble the quiet of nations , and be the cause of so many great misfortunes which happen to men. i confess , 't is a good thing , to search god in spirit and truth . this first essence , this soveraign intelligence deserves our most purifi'd speculations . but when we have a mind to disengage our soul from all commerce with our sense , are we assur'd , that an abstracted knowledge is not lost in wandring thoughts , and does not create more extravagancies than it discovers truths ? whence , think you , comes the absurdity of so many sects scatter'd through the world , but from deep meditations , where the mind , as it were in a dream , meets with nothing but its own proper fancies ? forget sir , this melancholy disgust you have to our images . images stop in a manner , this spirit so difficult to be fixed . moreover , there is nothingmore natural to man than imitation ; and of all imitations , there is nothing so lawful as that of a picture , which represents to us only what we ought to worship . the idea of vertuous persons creates in us a love of vertue ; and produces a just desire to attain that perfection which they have arrived to . there are emulations of holiness , as well as jealousies of glory ; and if the picture of alexander animated the ambition of caesar to a conquest of the world , the image of our saints may well excite in us the ardour of their zeal , and inspire us with that happy violence which ravishes heaven . i allow you , that the old testament did not permit us to form any thing that looked like the resemblance of god. this god painted himself in the great work of the universe . the heavens , the sun , the stars , the elements were the images of his immensity and power . the wonderful order of nature exprest his wisdom to us . our reason , which would know all , finds in her self a kind of idea of this infinite being ; and this was all that could be figur'd of a god , who did no otherwise discover himself to men , but by his works . but it is not thus in the new alliance . since that a god is become man for our salvation , we may well make to our selves images of him , to stir us up to the knowledge of his goodness and love : and in effect , if those are condemn'd as hereticks , that deny'd his humanity , is not it a strange absurdity to call us idolaters for loving to see it represented ? you are commanded to think always of his passion , to meditate always upon his sufferferings , and it yet is made a crime in us , to have figures that should support the remembrance of them . they would have the image of his death always presented to our souls , but won't allow of any before our eyes . your aversion for the ornaments of our priests has no better foundation . do not you know , sir , that god took the pains himself , to ordain even the fringe of the habit of the high priest ? and do you find that our pontifical habits are very different from those under the jewish oeconomy ? you are not less forward to deny us our musick , than to condemn our images . you ought to have remembred , sir , that david recommended nothing frequenter to the israelites , than to sing the praises of the lord , with all sorts of instruments . the musick of our churches exalts the soul , purifies the spirit , inspires the heart , and rectifies , or augments the devotion . when a mistery , or a miracle is treated of , you understand nothing but sense and reason . in natural things , which lead to purity , sense and reason are your enemies . there you give all to nature , here to grace ; there one can alledge nothing supernatural but you laugh at it : here one says nothing of humane to you , but you think it prophane , and impious . contrarieties have lasted but too long . agree with us about the lawful establisht customs , and we will write with you against the abuses that have been introduc'd . as to the doctrine of our church , touching the real presence of the body of jesus christ , in the sacrament of our altar , you have no more reason to dispute it . you say , that it is difficult to agree with us about a body without figure and extension ; but is it more easie for us to agree with you about your spiritual eating it ? after this manner , who eats really the substance of this same body ? the difficulty of comprehending the mistery , is it less great on your side ? and is not a miracle as necessary to your opinion , as ours ? so that , if in spite of all this , the love of a separation still possesses you , and that you cannot disengage your self from the prejudice of your sentiments ; do not complain of that which is taken from you as an injustice , but rather be thankful for that which you have left as a grace . melancholly muttering , and opposition , will rather hurt than serve you . whereas a conduct more respectful , and an interest more discreetly manag'd , than violently maintain'd , might hinder the design of your ruine , if it were thought on . one of the chiefest points of discretion , and the oftenest recommended , is to respect in all countries the religion of the prince . to condemn the belief of the soveraign , is to condemn the soveraign himself at the same time . a protestant , who in his discourse , or writings , taxes the catholick religion of idolatry , accuses the king by a necessary consequence to be an idolater ; and makes an assault upon him in his own dominions ; which the emperours of rome would never suffer . i know well , that i exhort you to no purpose , in the humour you are at present . a sentiment as it were natural , which is form'd in our first impressions ; the inclination one has for ancient customs ; the difficulty that one suffers to quit a belief , one has been born in , to embrace another which one has always oppos'd ; a delicacy of scruple , a false opinion of constancy , are bonds which will not easily be broken . but then at least leave to your children the liberty of chusing that which your long engagements will not suffer you to do . you complain of the edict , that obliges them to choose a religion at seven years old ; now this is the greatest favour could have been done them ; by that they are restor'd to their country which you robb'd them of ; it returns them into the bosom of the common-wealth , whence you drag'd them ; it makes them capable of honours and dignities , that you had excluded them from . do not envy them sir , those advantages that you will not benefit by ; and keeping your opinions and misfortunes to your self , remit the care of their religion to divine providence , which shews itself so visible in such a conduct . where is the father who does not inspire the zeal of his party , as well as his religion , into his children ? and what does any one know what may happen from this zeal ? whether it will proceed to fury or piety ? if it will produce crimes or vertues ? in this uncertainty , sir , remit all things to the disposition of a law , which has no other end , then the publick good , and the particular interest of your family . a letter to monsieur the count de c. by the same hand . as i interest my self infinitely in all that concerns you , the particulars of your gallant actions have created in me a sincere pleasure . persons that have been perfectly acquainted with 'em , have taken the pains to send me an account of 'em ; and i should be ready to complain to you , for concealing them as a secret , if i did not fear to disturb a joy so great as yours , by reproaches of friendship . how truly glorions are you , sir , after having so often given proofs of your valour against the enemies of the state , to have vanquish'd , amidst the delights of the city , the most merciless creature , in the world , and who had defy'd all the earth ? i know that charming person in whom beauty , wit , and manners seem to dispute which shall gain her the greatest esteem : lovely , delicious , and now , for you only becomes a lover . in truth , sir , i enter into those very transports which have made you forget all the world , to imprint in your soul only the idea of a person so accomplisht : i pardon your abandoning yourself wholly to her ; and i conceive it is difficult for you to have any kindness left for madam de l. who is so much below her in charms of body . but at length , sir , your forgetting and abandoning , excusable in the beginnings of so great a fortune , would be so no longer if they should last always : you know that madam de l. has a merit very much distinguisht : you know all that you owe her . she loves you as much as ever any lov'd : ought not her love then to take place of beauty ? and this acknowledgment , with which you were smitten so much heretofore , does it not oblige you to some manner of return ? for my part , i confess to you , that the description she makes of your insensibility , and of her griefs , is so lively and touching in the letter she writ to me upon this subject , that i cannot avoid entring into her interests : suffer then , sir , i beseech you , my remonstrances ; you owe this to our friendship , and i owe them to the confidence that an unhappy lady has repos'd in me . i do not mean here that you should forsake in favour of her , this . beauty that so bewitches you : you have nothing more to do than to give yourself the trouble to deceive madam l. you will do it easily because she 'll assist you herself . and i believe you will not pretend to so squeamish a conscience as to make a scruple of it . you are not ignorant that your new love will be mixt with some confusions and coldnesses : you may allow those intervals to madam l. and she 'll be content with 'em ; and you may make use of her to re-inflame the fires of t'other , that unlucky accidents or a meer cessation may extinguish . yet once more , sir , do not despise a woman that a great many others would be glad of : permit her to think that she has yet some place in your breast . alcibiades did not disdain to eat course bread and black porridge with the lacedemonians , after he had tasted the delights of athens ; he came out of the arms of the lovely aspasia , the most charming creature of all greece , where he enjoyed all the spirit and delicacy of a tender love , and yet submitted himself to the embraces of the queen of sparta , whose manners were fulsom , and who was very far from having the charms of aspasia . see here , sir , an example to follow ; consider also with a little attention , the character of alcibiades , and you may find it throughout to have much resemblance with yours ; which i presume will not be thought disadvantageous . a letter to madam d. d. b. c. by the same hand . from what i understand , madam , you 've a mind to become a religious ; i thank god for it with all my heart ; having more need in your conversation of the purity of sentiments , you are about to have , then all those you may be inspired with from the conversation of men. i conjure you , then in the name of heaven , to take up a sincere devotion ; and to render it such as it ought to be , take care to avoid the defects which that of other people is so often accompanied with . there are some men who think they have the ardour of a lively zeal . there are some who enjoy themselves in a good and solid piety . there are others who could be able to die for god , through the sentiments of a couragious faith. but in truth there are very few who can live according to the laws of the gospel and religion . you may expect all from their heat , where there is occasion to employ it : but you must hope almost nothing from 'em where there is need of constancy and discretion . let us see how they behave themselves in things which god requires from their submission : and when they show a rule in their manners , a modesty in their conversation , a patience in injuries , then will i be convinc'd of their devotion by their conduct . govern yourself , madam , by the errors of others ; and having a mind to give yourself to god , let that less enter into your devotion which you love , than that which pleases him . if you do not take care in this , your heart may bear its inclinations to him without receiving the impressions of his grace , and you will be altogether your own , when you think you are altogether his . not but that there may be an holy and happy agreement between his will and yours : you may love what he loves ; you may desire what he desires ; but we do commonly by a pleasing and secret impression , that which we desire of ourselves ; and 't is this which ought to render us more attentive and inclin'd to do nothing but by a consideration of what he enjoyns . you need not nevertheless for this reason subject yourself wholly to the conduct of those directers , who make use in their maxims of a certain spiritual niceness which you do not understand , nor perhaps they themselves . the will of god is not so conceal'd but it may be discover'd by those who have a mind to follow it ; and generally speaking you 'll have less need of inspiration than submission . those things which have relation to your desires , are easily understood , and easily follow'd : those which encounter your inclinations explain themselves enough ; but nature resists , and an indocible soul defends its self from their impression . i should desire then , madam , two things of you , in the devotion you are about to engage your self in : the first is , that you would take care not to raise your heart to god , because you believe it more proper for the passions of men. the second is , that you would not disguise your animosities under an appearance of zeal , or prosecute those you with ill to , under a false pretence of piety . a relation of a dispute between the mareschal of hocquincourt , and father canaye , a iesuite . by m. d. s. e. as i din'd t'other day , with the mareschal d' hocquincourt , father canaye , who din'd there also , let fall the discourse insensibly , upon the submission of the spirit that religion requires of us ; and having related to us many new miracles , and some modern revolations , he concluded , that we ought to avoid more than the plague , those head-strong spirits , who would examine all things by reason . to whom do you talk of head-strong spirits , says the mareschal ? and who has known them better than me ? bardouville and st. thibal were the best of my friends ; 't was they that engag'd me on the side of monsieur le comte , against cardinal richelieu . if i were acquainted with many more of these head-strong wits , i would write a book of all they have said . bardouville being dead , and st. thibal retir'd into holland , i entertain'd a friendship with lafrete , and sauve beuf ; these were not head-strong wits , but brave men. lafrete was a gallant man , and my very good friend , and i think that i have sufficiently testifi'd my self to have been his , in the distemper that he dy'd of . i saw him die of a small feaver , which would have scarce killed a woman ; and was enrag'd to see lafrete , that lafrete who fought bouteville , go out , neither better nor worse , than a farthing candle . we were concern'd , sauve beuf and i , to preserve the honour of our friend , which made me take a resolution to kill him with a pistol-bullet , that he might dye like a man of courage . i clapt the pistol to his head , when a certain bougre of a jesuit pusht my arm aside , and hinder'd my design . this put me in so great a rage , that presently i resolv'd to become a iansenist . take notice , my lord , says the father , take notice how satan is always lying in wait for us . circuit quaerens quem devoret ; you conceive a kind of displeasure against our order , which he takes occasion of to surprize and devour you ; nay , worse than devour you , to make you turn iansenist : vigilate , vigilate ; one cannot be too much upon his guard against the common enemy of mankind . the father 's in the right , says the mareschal ; i have heard , that the devil never sleeps . we must have a good guard , a good foot , and a good eye upon him . but let 's leave the devil and discourse of the things i love . i have lov'd war above all things , madam de monbazon next to war , and such as you see me , philosophy after madam de monbazon . you have reason to love war , replys the father , and war also loves you ; she has crown'd you likewise with honour . don't you know that i am also a warrior ? the king has given me the direction of the hospital of his army in flanders : is not this enough to be a warrier ? who would ever have believ'd that father canaye should ever have become a soldier ? i am such , my lord , and do not render less service to god in the camp , than i did in the college of clermont . you may then love war innocently ; to go to war , is to love one's prince ; and to serve one's prince , is to serve god. but as for what concerns madam de monbazon ; if you have lusted after her , you must permit me to tell you , that your desires were criminal . you should not lust after her , my lord , but love her with an innocent friendship . what , says the mareschal , would you have me love like a sot ? the mareschal of hocquincourt has not learnt in ladies chambers , to do nothing but sigh . i would , my father , i would — you understand me well . i would — oh how many i would ? in truth , my lord , you rally with a good grace . our fathers of st. louis would be astonisht at these i woulds : when one has been a great while in the army , one learns to bear all . no more , no more , you speak this , my lord , i suppose to divert your self . there is no such divertisement in 't , father : do you know for what design i lov'd her ? vsque ad aras , my lord : no , aras , my father . look here , says the marshal , taking a knife , and grasping the haft fast in his hand , look here , if she had commanded me to kill you , i would have buried the blade in your heart . father canaye surprised at this discourse , and more frighted at the transport , had immediate recourse to his mental devotion , and prayed god secretly , that he would deliver him from the danger wherein he found himself . but not trusting altogether to prayer , he leap'd insensibly out of the marshal's reach , by an unperceivable motion of his buttocks . the marshal followed him in the like manner ; and one that had seen his knife always lifted up , would have sworn , that he was going to put his order into execution . my ill nature made me take pleasure a while in the fears of our reverend spark ; but fearing at length that the marshal in his transports , might render that scene melancholy which was before only pleasant , i caus'd him to remember , that madam de monbazon was dead ; and told him , that fortunately the father canaye had nothing to fear from a person that was no more . god does all for the best , replies the marshal : the fairest woman in the world began to play the fool with me when she dy'd . there was always near her a certain abbot de rauce , who talkt to her of grace before people , and entertain'd her with other things in private . this made me forsake the iansenists ; before i never miss'd a sermon of father desmarez , and never swore , but by the gentlemen of port-royal . i have always been at confession with the jesuits since that time : and if my son has ever any children , i am resolv'd they shall study at the colledge of clermont , upon pain of being disinherited . oh , how wonderful are the ways of god! crys out father canaye : how profound is the mystery of his justice ! a little weather-cock of a iansenist , to follow a lady whom my lord wisht well to . the merciful god made use of jealousie to put the conscience of my lord into our hands ; mirabilia iudicia tua domine ; wonderful are thy judgments , o lord ! after the good father had finisht his pious reflections , i thought it might be permitted me to enter into the discourse ; and i askt the marshal , if the love of philosophy had not succeeded his passion for madam de monbazon ? i have lov'd philosophy but too well , said the marshal , i have lov'd it but too well ; but i have at length left it , and will trouble my head with it not more . a dog of a philosopher had so puzzled my brain about our first parents , the apple , the serpent , terrestrial paradise , and the cherubins , that i was about to believe nothing of the matter . the devil take me , if i believ'd any thing then ; but from that time , i would have crucify'd myself for my religion . 't is not that i see more reason in it now , but on the contrary , less than ever : but i cannot help telling you , i would nevertheless have sacrific'd myself without knowing wherefore . so much the better , my lord , replies the father , with a tone of nose very devout , so much the better ; that shews they are not humane motions , but that they proceed from god. no reason ! that is the true religion which has no reason . what an extraordinary grace , my lord , has heaven bestow'd upon you ? estote sunt infantes ; be as infants . infants have yet their innocence , and why ? because they have no reason , beati pauperes spiritu , blessed are the poor in spirit : they sin not ; the reason is , that they have no reason . no reason , i cannot help telling you wherefore . oh excellent words ! they ought to be writ in letters of gold : 't is not that i see more reason in it , but on the contrary less than ever . in truth , this is divine for them that have any tast of heavenly things : no reason , what an extraordinary grace , my lord , has god bestow'd upon you ? the father had gone on farther with his invectives against reason , but that letters were brought from court to the marshal , which interrupted so pious an entertainment . the marshal read them softly to himself , and afterwards he was pleas'd to tell the company what they contain'd : if i had a mind to seem a politician , as others do , i should retire into my closet , to read dispatches from the court ; but i always act and speak with an open heart . the cardinal sends me word , that stenay's taken , that the court will be here in eight days ; and the command of the army , which made the siege , is given me , to go and relieve arras with turenne and la ferte . i remember well that turenne suffer'd me to be beaten by monsieur the prince , when the court was at gien ; perhaps i may find an occasion to do him the like favour . if arras were reliev'd , and turenne beaten , i should be content ; i 'll do what i can ; but i say no more . he related to us all the particulars of his combat , and the subject of his complaint , that he thought he had against monsieur turenne : but we were advertised , that the convoy was already far enough from the town , which made us take leave sooner than we meant to have done . father canaye finding himself without an horse , desir'd one to carry him to the camp : and what horse will you have , father ? says the marshal . i will answer you , my lord , says the father , as the good father suarez did the duke of medina sidonia , upon the like occasion , qualem me decet esse , mansuetum . such an one as i ought to be , gentle and tractable , qualem me decet esse mansuetum ; i understand a little latine , says the marshal ; mansuetum would be fitter for sheep than horses . let my horse be given to the father ; i love the whole order , and am his friend , therefore let them give him my best horse . here i went to dispatch a few affairs , but staid not long , before i rejoyned the convoy . we jogg'd on prosperously , but not without some fatigue . as for the poor father canaye , i met him upon the prance , on one of the best horses of monsieur d' hocquincourt ; 't was a mettlesome fiery horse , restless and always in action ; he chew'd his bit eternally , always went on one side , neigh'd every minute , and that which shockt most the modesty of the father , he very indecently mistook all the horses he met for mares . and , what do i see my father ? said i , coming up to him . what horse have they given you ? where is father suarez ' s nag that you askt so earnestly for ? ah sir , says he , i can sit him no longer . he was about to continue his complaints , when a hare cross'd the road , and an hundred horse immediately hurried away in confusion after the course , and we heard presently more discharges of pistols , than at a skirmish . the father's horse being accustom'd to fire under the marshal , carried a way his man , and made him charge instantly through their confus'd ranks . 't was a thing very pleasant , to see a jesuit at the head of all this company , against his will. happily the hare was kill'd , and i found the father in the middle of thirty horse men , who all gave him the honour of a chase , which one might have better call'd chance . the father receiv'd their commendations with apparent modesty ; but in his mind he despis'd very much the mansuetum of good father suarez , and was rais'd to the best humour in the world , in reflecting on the miracles that he fancied he had done on the marshal's courser : yet he was not long without remembring that good saying of solomon , vanitas vanitatum , & omnia vanitas . he was no sooner grown cool , but he felt an uneasiness which the heat had conceal'd from him , and false glory giving place to true grief ; he wish'd for the repose of his society , and the content of a peaceable life , which he had quitted . but all these reflections signified nothing , he must go to the camp , and he was so tir'd with his horse , that i saw him ready to abandon his bucephalus , and walk a foot at the head of the infantry . i comforted him for his past fatigue , and exempted him from any future inconveniences , in bestowing on him the easiest nag he could have wisht for . he gave me a thousand thanks , and was so sensible of my civility , that forgetting all regard of his profession , he convers'd with me more like an honest sincere fellow-traveller than a jesuit . i askt him what opinion he had of monsieur d' hocquincourt ? 't is a good lord , says he , 't is a good soul : he has quitted the iansenists ; our order is oblig'd to him : but for my part , i think i shall never eat at his table again , or borrow horse of him . being much pleas'd with this first freedom , i had a mind to try him farther . whence comes , continu'd i , the great animosities between the iansenists and your fathers ? does it proceed from the difference in opinion about the doctrine of grace ? what folly , what folly , says he , is it to think that we hate one another for not having the same opinion about grace ! 't is neither grace nor the five propositions that have raised these animosities between us . the jealousie of governing consciences , is the true reason . the iansenists found us in posession of the government , and they have a mind to dispossess us . now to effect their ends , they have made use of methods quite contrary to ours . we employ gentleness and indulgence , and they affect austerity and rigour . we comfort souls by the examples of the mercies of god , and they frighten them by those of justice . they make use of fear , where we make use of hopes . they would ride those that we would have to be our subjects . not but that both of us have a mind to save men , and each has a mind to have the credit on 't . and to speak freely to you , the interest of the director goes almost always before the salvation of him who is under the direction . i speak to you after another manner than i did to the marshal ; i was purely a jesuite with him , but with you i use the freedom of a soldier . i commended very much the new liberty which his last profession had made him take , and it seem'd to me that the commendation pleas'd him . i had continu'd it longer , but as night began to approach , we were oblig'd to separate ; the father being as much contented with my proceeding , as i was satisfied with the confidence he reposed in me . motives for a general peace in the year . if it be a difficult matter to discover the origine of winds and subterranean fires , 't is no less very often to dive into the hidden causes of the greatest part of our wars ; sometimes ambition and avarice keep those designs long conceal'd , that the least pretence discovers . the declarations of the pretended cause , for the most part , are only calculated to amuse the people ; and oftentimes so dexterously , that the true reasons of state and policy are covered with some appearance of justice . they never scruple to ruin the foundation , and violate the most sacred rights of nature . don't let us look for any fresh instances of this in the unhappy war which at present oppresses all countries of christendom ; let us conceive for the princes who are the cause of it , a respect which perhaps posterity will not subscribe to ; let us suppose , that they do all out of a good meaning , and that justice is the rule of so many destructive actions . it seems at least , that they have not forgot all impressions of equity , since they have agreed to chuse mediators to decide their differences ; and that those who are chiefly concerned seem willing to accept his intervention , whom the god of peace hath made his lieutenant upon earth . but as it may happen , that these princes are not all equally dispos'd to accept of a speedy peace , 't will be necessary to remember them , that they are obliged to it by the motives of glory , interest and a good conscience . glory is nothing else but an high esteem which is acquired amongst men , and which passes down to posterity . we may say , that there is nothing more glorious for a prince , than to make his people happy . * the glory of storming towns and acquiring victories is common even to barbarians . but to conquer one's self , and renounce one's own interest ; to give repose and peace to the world , is the proper character of an hero. the people of france will never cease to give a thousand benedictions and a thousand praises to the memory of philip the good duke of burgundy ; his hate and his vengeance appeared just , since he armed against the murtherer of his father : glory and the reasons of state seemed to forbid him to think of a peace , since he might promise himself assured conquests by the union which he had made with a puissant monarch . yet for all this , out of a pious consideration of the publick calamities , he stifled his resentments , and by one so great a mercy , he rendred himself a thousand times more glorious than his son , who was so terrible and who fought so many battels . many conquerours have thought to gain immortal glory by their arms , who in the next age have been treated as * robbers and pyrates . war is never truly glorious , but when it is founded upon justice ; which also ceases when one may have a reasonable satisfaction without it , and when the interest of the state demands a peace . it would be no difficult matter to prove that even those princes who are at present most concern'd in this war , will find their truest interest in a peace , if they have any regard to that of their own subjects , which is the only a true interest of state. misery is general , we are a alike ruin'd by friends and enemies : to take any place you must shed the bloud , as it were , of all the people , who being seduc'd to the last extremities , mourn secretly amidst the songs of triumph that are publickly commanded . in effect , they are so far from being the better for the conquests of their prince , that they are more burthen'd with taxes , and imposts , than ever . the towns and conquer'd provinces do not afford for the most part half the necessary expence to fortifie , and desend them . they must pay contributions to their enemy , furnish free passage and quarter to souldiers , who almost every-where live like licencious robbers . the present posture of affairs seems to give us some indications of the approach of the day of judgment , whose knowledge god hath reserved wholly to himself ; that it will be the last war of the world , foretold us by the scripture , and which will for ever take away the power from princes and people , of insuring and supporting each other . yet this is not all , they must either receive souldiers , or pay winter-quarters , which destroys all they saved from the pillage of the campaign ; perhaps they commit all these excesses , to teach the people not to fear death , in robbing them of all they have to keep them alive . but it is to be feared , that this despair in the end may produce some b ill effects ; that it may set the people upon looking for ease from their burthens elsewhere ; or at least that in this conjuncture , when the pope labours for a peace , they will second his good intentions in spite of their masters who would oppose them . when the popes heretofore made use of the ecclesiastical thunder for their temporal interest , the greatest part of the world never heeded it , because their power ought to be employed to edifie , and not to destroy : but if at this day the holy father would make use of the church censures against the most obstinate opposers of peace , which is the source of all impieties , 't is to be presumed , that so holy an action would draw down the blessing of heaven , and procure the applause of all mankind . it may be objected , perhaps , that the interest of state , and prudence does make princes defer peace , in order to weaken a growing enemy , whose power , unless prevented , may occasion a common disadvantage : as for example , the allies seem to have some reason not to accord so soon with france , hoping that time may give them some advantages , to reduce her to such a condition , that she may not be in a capacity to hurt them . but this reason alone is not sufficient to continue the war , no more than it would be to begin it ; 't is from divine providence , and not from violence , we must expect a remedy against the fear of an uncertain evil c whatever interest we may have in a war , and whatever justice we have to take arms ; we ought seriously to desire peace out of a pure principle of conscience , though we are employed in the justest war. 't is indeed the last reason we have mentioned , but it would be the the first and strongest , were it not for the universal depravity of the world. heretofore it was a doubt , whether christians might make b war ; but not to raise any difficulty upon the argument ; it is certain , they may not , but upon those conditions which have been seldom or never observed . 't is a strange thing , that a private man shall be put to death , if he kills another who with-holds his estate from him ; and yet a prince for the least occasion shall be permitted to lay all in bloud and flames : we know the difference between them ; and that a private man has not the power to do himself justice , as soveraigns have ; but nevertheless , they ought to prescribe bounds to their pretentions and revenge ; a they ought to make it appear , that they seek peace and its effects , and not a pretence to destroy their neighbours . but let us go on farther , and show in what case a war , though never so just , may injure a prince's conscience ; a . 't is first when his enemy is as potent as himself , and thereby engages his subjects in great hazard ; and when he sees that the war will cause them more prejudice than advantage b if we make a reflection on the success of parties who are at present engaged , 't will be hard to determine which will have the better ; nevertheless , we may see , that there is none that do not do more mischief to themselves , than their enemy ; and that like the soldiers of cadmus , in the fable they devour themselves . the second reason which ought to incline a prince to peace by a motive of conscience , is that he that is responsible to god for all disorders , and damages , that his soldiers occasion in a friend's country : first , when they commit them for want of their pay. this is the opinion of all the divines ; a and indeed of all those that have written about politiks , obliges him to make a reparation . 't is but too often seen , that the greatest part of soldiers pretend a license for want of being paid ; and that all parts are much embarras'd at present , to furnish their troops with subsistence , and that they will be more for the future . . when a prince suffers , or permits rapines , and the violence of soldiers , he isobliged to make 'em good : we may alledge here , what heretofore b gerson said in the presence of the king of france , tu ea non agis mala , verum est sed ea fieri permittis & suffers . sic deus judicabit ●●●strate , & dicet , non te alii , sed infernales diaboli te cruciabunt . how then can these soveraigns that make this present war dispence with these obligations , or punishments ? they know well enough , that where-ever their troops pass , nay , tho' it be in a friend's country , that they leave nothing behind them , that they can carry away ; that they mow the corn when it is green , and plunder both women and children , and commit oftentimes crimes yet more enormous . perhaps it may be objected , that all these disorders do not come to the knowledge of the prince ; but yet he is not less guilty before god because he ought to inform himself exactly , and remedy the same by his presence . with what hopes can a prince offer his prayers to god , when he knows , that in quitting a point of chimerical honour , he might prevent pillage , violence , burning , and sacriledge ; that he might put all christendom in a state of peace , and defend her from the assaults wherewith the common enemy threatens her ; that he might establish the glory and worship of god , so much prophan'd by the violations of war ; and that he might hinder an infinite number of innocent people from being expos'd to the last extremities and insupportable outrages . it is not possible but that such prevalent reasons must move the christian princes to search after peace . but 't is not enough to have bare inclinations towards it ; piety obliges them to establish it with industry , and to take the most proper and ready measures for so great and good a work. the best and most assured method that can be found on both sides , is to speak freely their grievances and pretentions , without losing the time in the discussion of preliminaries and formalities ; and not pretend an indisposition on purpose , or some default of the equipage of a plenipotentiary , to retard the effect of his commission . every one ought to do himself justice in the tribunal of his own conscience , as well as his enemy , and offer him a reparation of the wrong he has done him ; after the example of that holy prince , who having broken an alliance which he had made with an idolatrous king , was not asham'd to condemn and submit himself to render a just satisfaction . which was the cause that god , who had punish'd him for this breach , afterwards heap'd upon him infinite prosperities . after the rate that the ministers assist at the assembly of nimeguen , they seem to be very far from entertaining so pious an intention . they are so slow in coming thither , that in all probability they will not be slower in moving questions , and yet they may be more slow in resolving them . they may make it last , if they please till the diet of ratisbonne ; and perhaps amidst these delays there may happen some accidents that will exasperate their spirits so much , that they 'll break it as they did the treaty of colen . whenever there is sincere inclination to treat of peace , the points are always propos'd before , by a secret and private mediation , and concluded in the cabinets of princes : the sending of embassadors and plenipotentiaries , and publick conferences serve for nothing else but show . this appears by the most important treaties of this age , and particularly that of the pyrenees ; so that we may easily see that nimeguen , where they know not yet what they mean to propose , will cause us a long time to expect a peace ; during which every party endeavours to make the best advantage of the present conjuncture , and flatter themselves with successes they think to find over the rest . the allies imagine perhaps , that france in the end will be distress'd by the vast numbers of its officers and soldiers ; and that the poverty or natural inconstancy of the people will cause a speedy reverse of its prosperity . on the other side , france confides in the union of its forces , in the good fortune she has always hitherto had , and in the dissention she endeavours to spread among her enemies ; and in fine , trusts to the revolution of affairs , that the port or poland may produce in the north and the empire itself . all these conjectures are very ill grounded , both on one side and t'other , but especially through the ill conduct of one party . these three years they have been framing them to no purpose , and accordding to the judgment of the best politicians , each side has more reason to fear than to hope . in the mean time , for these uncertain hopes , all christendom undergoes infinite devastations , which can never cease , but by the end of the war. we must expect peace from god only , and believe ; that at last he will move the hearts of these princes to hearken to his voice and the groans of the people . finis books printed for john everingham , at the star in ludgate-street . an enquiry into several remarkable texts of the old and new testament , which contain some difficulty in them ; with a probable resolution of them . in two parts . by john edwards , b. d. sometimes fellow of st. john's college in cambridge . octavo . . a discourse concerning the authority , stile , and perfections of the old and new testament : with illustrations of several difficult texts of scripture . by john edwards , b. d. sometimes fellow of st. john's college in cambridge . octavo . . miscellaneous essays . by monsieur st. euremont ; translated out of french , with a character . by a person of honour here in england ; continued by mr. dryden . octavo . . a new family-book : or the true interest of families ; being directions to parents and children , and to those that are instead of parents ; shewing them their several duties , and how they may be happy in one another ; together , with several prayers for families and children ; and graces before and after meat : to which is annexed , a discourse about the right way of impreving of our time. by james kirkwood , rector of astwick in bedfordshire , with a preface by dr. horneck ; the second edition corrected , and much inlarged . twelves . . the divine art of prayer ; containing the most proper rules to pray well ; with seasonable prayers for soldiers , both in their majesties armies and fleet. in twelves . . the true royal english school for their majesties three kingdoms : being a catalogue of all the words in the bible ; together with a praxis in prose and verse ; and variety of pictures , all beginning with one syllable , and proceeding by degrees to eight , divided and not divided , whereby all persons both young and old , of the meanest abilities , may with little help , be able to read the whole bible over distinctly , easily , and more speedily than in any other method , with directions to find out any word ; together with an exposition of the creed . by tobias ellis , late minister of the gospel . octavo . . an answer to the brief history of the unitarians ; called also socinians . by william basset , rector of st. swithins , london . octavo . . monarchia microcosmi , the origen , vicissitude and period of vital government in man ; for a farther discovery of diseases incident to humane nature . by everard maynwaring , m. d. twelves . books printed for , and sold by abel roper near temple-barr . . new poems , consisting of satyrs , elegies , and odes : together with a collection of the newest court-songs , set to musick by the best masters of the age. all written by mr. durfey . . the princess of cleve ; as it was acted at the queen's theatre . written by nat. lee. . the amours of anne ( queen to lewis the xiii . ) with the chevalier de roan , the true father of the present lewis the xiv . king of france ; in which the whole cabal and intriegue of raising this heir to the french crown , is fully detected and exposed : together with the engines and instruments of that grand impostor . written by a person of quality . . a week's exercise , preparatory towards a worthy reception of the lord's supper . in meditations , prayers , and ejaculations , before , at , and after the holy communion : also rules and exercises how to live well after it . by w. w. dedicated the princess of denmark . . the state of innocence , and fall of man ; an opera , written in heroick verse ; dedicated to the dutches. . an historical dictionary of england and wales ; in three parts . i geographical . ii. historical . iii. political . . sir anthony love : or , the rambling lady . a comedy , . advice to a young lord , written by his father . . the complete constable . . the distressed innocence ; a tragedy . written by mr. settle . . the heroes of france ; being a dialogue between monsieur louvois , colbert , motchevril , sarsfield , and prince waldeck ; wherein is contained the present state of affairs in europe . . the wary widow : or , sir noisy parrat . a comedy , acted at the theatre-royal . written by henry higden , esq . the rules and maxims of pleading ; which will be published this term. finis . notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a -e * i am apt to believe from what follows , that the famous christina is here meant , who , as all the world knows , was a woman of great learning , and abdicated the crown of sweden . * he means charles the fifth . notes for div a -e * by monsieur boileau , where they are to be found at the end of his satyrs . * i suppose he means monsieur dacier . * that is , where metaphors are natural , and the ideas obvious ; they may be safely employ'd in our author's opinion . * we know him better in england under the name of boileau . notes for div a -e reflect . . notes for div a -e * nulla major principis gloria , quam fecisse felicem & satisfecisse inopi . * as alexander has been by seneca , lucan , and quintus curtius . a salus populi superma lex esto . b maxime metuenda desperantium audacia , tanquam acerrimi morientium belluarum morsus . c illud vero minime ferendum est , quod quidam tradiderunt , j●re gentium arma recte sumi ad imminuendam potentiam crescentem , quae nimium aucta ●●cere posset 〈…〉 vim pari posse ad vim inferendam jus tribu●t , ab omni aequitatis ratione ab horret . gror. li. . cap. . sect. jure . bell. & pacis . b non militandum christiano , cui nec litigare quidem liceat . tertul. lib. de ●●●● . a bellum ita suscipiatur ut nihil aliud nisi pax quaesita videatur . cicero de offic lib. . a in poenis quoque exigendis illud maxime observandum est , ne unquam eo nomine bellum suscipi atur in eum cui pares sunt vires , nam ut judicem civilem ita qui armis facinora velit vindicare , multo esse validiorem altero opertet , neque vero prudentia tantum aut suorum caritas exigere solet , ut bello periculoso abstineatur , sed saepe etiam justitia rectoria scilicet , quae ex ipso regiminis natura , superiorem non minus ad curam pro inferioribus , quam inferiores ad obedientiam obligat . grot. de jur. bell. & pacis . c. . b quod si plus damni evenit reip . quam compendii ex bello suscepto etiam justo , princeps debet resticuere detrimenta . this is the opinion of the casuists , and even of the jesuit diana , panormit . de regular . part . . pract . . de bello reg. a puto regem , qui quae debet stipendia militibus non solvi● , non tantum militibus teneri de damnis inde secutis , sed sub●●●is suis , & vicinis quos inedia coacti milites male habuerunt . gret . de jur. bell. & pac. lib. . cap. . secr . . num. . b tom. . cap. . heze'iah , kings . ch , . the clarret drinkers song, or, the good fellows design by a person of quality. oldham, john, - . approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; 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(eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) the clarret drinkers song, or, the good fellows design by a person of quality. oldham, john, - . brown, thomas, - . sheet ( p.) [s.n.], london printed : . in verse. caption title. attributed by wing to oldham; also attributed by nuc pre- imprints to thomas brown. imprint from colophon. reproduction of original in the harvard university library. created by converting tcp files to tei p using tcp tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between and available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the , texts created during phase of the project have been released into the public domain as of january . anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. % (or pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf- unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p , characters represented either as utf- unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng - tcp assigned for keying and markup - aptara keyed and coded from proquest page images - mona logarbo sampled and proofread - mona logarbo text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion the clarret drinker's song : or , the good fellows design . by a person of quality . apox of the fooling and plotting of late , what a pother and stir has it kept in the state ? let the rabble run mad with suspicions and fears ; let 'em scuffle and iarr , till they go by the ears ; their grievances never shall trouble my pate , so i can but enjoy my dear bottle at quiet . what coxcombs were those , who would barter their ease , and their necks , for a toy , a thin wafer and mass ? at old tyburn they never had needed to swing , had they been but true subjects to drink , and their king : a friend and a bottle is all my design , h 'as no room for treason , that 's top-full of wine . i mind not the members and makers of laws , let 'em sit or prorogue as his majesty please ; let 'em damn us to woollen , i 'll never repine at my lodging when dead , so alive i have vvine . yet oft in my drink i can hardly forbear , to curse 'em , for making my claret so dear . i mind not grave asses , who idly debate about right and succession , the trifles of state ; vve've a good king already , and he deserves laughter , that will trouble his head with who shall come after . come here 's to his health , and i wish he may be as free from all care and all trouble as we . what care i how leagues with the hollander go , or intrigues betwixt sidney and monsieur d'avaux ; what concerns it my drinking if cazall be sold , if the conquerour takes it by storming or gold ; good bourdeaux alone is the place that i mind , and when the fleet 's coming , i pray for a wind. the bully of france , that aspires to renown , by dull cutting of throats and vent'ring his own : let him fight and be damn'd , and make matches and treat , to afford news-mongers and coffee house chat : he 's but a brave wretch , whilst i am more free , more safe , and a thousand times happier than he . come he or the pope , or the devil to boot ; or come faggot and stake , i care not a groat : never think that in smithfield i porters will heat : no i swear mr. fox pray excuse me for that . i 'll drink in defiance of gibbet and halter , this is the profession that never will alter . finis . london , printed . amusements serious and comical, calculated for the meridian of london by mr. brown. brown, thomas, - . approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : - (eebo-tcp phase ). a wing b estc r ocm this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) amusements serious and comical, calculated for the meridian of london by mr. brown. brown, thomas, - . [ ], p. printed for john nutt, london : . reproduction of original in cambridge university library. created by converting tcp files to tei p using tcp tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between and available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the , texts created during phase of the project have been released into the public domain as of january . anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. % (or pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf- unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p , characters represented either as utf- unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng london (england) -- description and travel -- early works to . london (england) -- social life and customs. - tcp assigned for keying and markup - aptara keyed and coded from proquest page images - olivia bottum sampled and proofread - olivia bottum text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion amusements serious and comical , calculated for the meridian of london . by mr. brown . london , printed for iohn nutt , near stationers-hall , . amusements serious and comical . the preface . amusement i. the title i have confer'd upon my book , gives me authority to make as long a preface as i please ; for a long preface is a true amusement . however i have ventured to put one here , under the apprehension that it will be very necessary toward the understanding of the book ; tho' the generality of readers are of opinion , that a preface , instead of setting off the work , does but expose the vanity of the author . a good general of an army , is less embarrass'd at the head of his troops , than an ill writer in the front of his productions . he knows not in what figure to dress his countenance . if he puts on a fierce and haughty look , his readers think themselves obliged to lower his topsail , and bring him under their sterns : if he affects an humble sneaking posture , they slight and despise him : if he boasts the excellency of his subject , they believe not a syllable of what he says : if he tells them there is little or nothing in 't , they take him at his word ; and to say nothing at all of his work , is an unsufferable imposition upon an author . i know not what success these papers will find in the world ; but if any amuse themselves in criticizing upon them , or in reading them , my design is answer'd . i have given the following thoughts the name of amusements ; you will find them serious , or comical , according to the humour i was in when i wrote them ; and they will either divert you , instruct you , or tire you , after the humour you are in when you read them . t'other day one of the imaginary serious wits , who thought it a weakness in any man to laugh : seeing a copy of this book ; at the opening of it , fell into a passion , and wrinkling up his nostrils like a heated stallion that had a mare in the wind , said , the book was unworthy of the title ; for grave subjects , should be treated with decorum , and 't was to profane serious matters , to blend them with comical entertainments . what a mixture is here says he ! this variety of colours , said i to my censurer , appears very natural to me ; for if one strictly examines all mens actions and discourses , we shall find that seriousness and merriment are near neighbours , and always live together like friends , if sullen moody sots do not set them at variance . every day shews us , that serious maxims , and sober counsels , often proceed out of the mouths of the pleasantest companions , and such as affect to be always grave and musing , are then more comical than they think themselves . my spark push'd his remonstrance further : are not you ashamed , continued he , to print amusements ? don't you know , that man was made for business , and not to sit amusing himself like an owl in an ivy-bush ? to which i answer'd after this manner . the whole life of man is but one entire amusement : vertue only deserves the name of business , and none but they that practise it can be truly said to be employed , for all the world beside are idle . one amuses himself by ambition , another by interest , and another by that foolish passion love. little folks amuse themselves in pleasures , great men in the acquisition of glory , and i am amused to think that all this is nothing but amusement . once more , the whole transactions of our lives , are but meer amusements , and life it self is but an amusement in a continued expectation of death . thus much for serious matters : let us now make haste to pleasantry . i have a great mind to be in print ; but above all , i would fain be an original , and that is a true comical thought : when all the learned men in the world are but translators , is it not a pleasant jest , that you should strive to be an original ! you should have observed your time , and have come into the world with the ancient greeks for that purpose ; for the latines themselves are but copies . this discourse has mightily discouraged me . is it true then that there is such an embargo laid upon invention , that no man can produce any thing that is perfectly new , and intirely his own ? many authors , i confess , have told me so : i will enquire further about it , and if sir roger , mr. dryden , and mr. durfey confirm it , then i will believe it . what need all this toyl and clutter about original authors and translators ? he who imagines briskly , thinks justly , and writes correctly , is an original in the same things that another had thought before him . the natural air , and curious turn he gives his translations , and the application wherewith he graces them , is enough to perswade any sensible man , that he was able to think and perform the same things , if they had not been thought and done before him , which is an advantage owing to their birth , rather than to the excellency of their parts beyond their successors . some of our modern writers , that have built upon the foundation of the ancients , have far excell'd in disguising their notions , and improving the first essays , that they have acquir'd more glory , and reputation , than ever was given to the original authors : nay , have utterly effaced their memories . those who rob the modern writers , study to hide their thefts ; those who filch from the ancients , account it their glory . but why the last should be more reproach'd than the former , i cannot imagine , since there is more wit in disguising a thought of mr. lock 's , than in a lucky translation of a passage from horace . after all , it must be granted , that the genius of some men can never be brought to write correctly in this age , till they have form'd their wits upon the ancients , and their gusts upon the moderns ; and i know no reason , why it should be their disparagement , to capaciate themselves by these helps to serve the publick . nothing will please some men , but books stuff'd with antiquity , groaning under the weight of learned quotations drawn from the fountains : and what is all this but pilfering . but i will neither rob the ancient , nor modern books , but pillage all i give you from the book of the world. the book of the world is very ancient , and yet always new. in all times , men , and their passions , have been the subjects . these passions were always the same , tho' they have been delivered to posterity in different manners , according to the different constitution of ages ; and in all ages they are read by every one , according to the characters of their wit , and the extent of their judgment . those who are qualified to read and understand the book of the world , may be beneficial to the publick , in communicating the fruit of their studies ; but those that have no other knowledge of the world , but what they collect from books , are not fit to give instructions to others . if the world then is a book that ought to be read in the original : one may as well compare it to a country that one cannot know , nor make known to others , without traveling through it himself . i began this journey very young : i always loved to make reflections upon every thing that presented it self to my view : i was amused in making these reflections : i have amused my self in writing them : and i wish my reader may amuse himself in reading them . some will think it another amusement to find a book without a dedication , begging the protection of a mighty patron , and by some fulsome kind of flattery , expose the great man , the author intended to praise ; but that i have avoided , by sending the brat naked into the world to shift for it self . it was not design'd to give any man offence . innocent mirth , compounded with wholsome advice , is the whole burthen it travails with ; and therefore the author flatters himself with the hopes of pleasing all men : which is a pitch if his book arrives to , will be the greatest amusement in the world. amusement ii. the voyage of the world. there is no amusement so entertaining and advantageous , as improving some of our leisure time in traveling . if any man for that reason has an inclination to divert himself , and sail with me round the globe , to supervise almost all the conditions of humane life , without being infected with the vanities , and vices that attend such a whimsical perambulation ; let him follow me , who am going to relate it in a stile , and language , proper to the variety of the subject : for as the caprichio came naturally into my pericranium , i am resolv'd to pursue it through thick and thin , to enlarge my capacity for a man of business . where then shall we begin ? in the name of mischief what country will first present it self to my imagination ? he bien ! i have hit upon 't already : let 's steer for the court , for that 's the region which will furnish us with the finest lessons for our knowledge of the world. the covrt . the court is a country abounding with amusements . the air they breath there , is very fine and subtile ; only for about three parts and a half of four in the year , 't is liable to be infected with gross vapours full of flattery and lying . all the avenues leading to it are gay , smiling , agreeable to the sight , and all end in one and the same point , honour , and self-interest . here fortune keeps her residence , and seems to expect that we make our addresses to her , at the bottom of a long walk , which lies open to all comers and goers . one would be apt to think at first sight , that he might reach the end on 't , before he could count twenty ; but there are so many by-walks and allies to cross , so many turnings and windings to find out , that he is soon convinced of his mistake . 't is contrived into such an intricate maze and obscure manner , that the straitest way is not always the nearest . it looks gloriously in the country , but when you approach it , its beauty diminishes . after all the enquiry i have made about it , i am not able to satisfie your curiosity , whether the ground it stands upon be firm and solid . i have seen some new comers tread as confidently upon it , as if they had been born there ; but quickly found they were in a new world , where the tottering earth made them giddy and stumble : for tho' they knew good and evil were equally useful to their advancement , yet were so confounded , to know which of the two they ought to employ to make their fortunes , that for want of understanding only that pretty knack , they made a journey to court only to go back again , and report at home they had the honour of seeing it . on the other side , i have seen some old stagers walk upon court ground , as gingerly as upon ice , or a quagmire : and with all the precaution and fear imaginable , lest they should fall from a great fortune by the same defects that rais'd them : and not without cause , for the ground is hard in some places , and sinks in others ; but all people covet to get upon the highest spot , to which there is no coming but by one passage , and that is so narrow , that no ambitious pretender can keep the way , without justling other people down with his elbows : and the further mischief on 't is , that those that keep their feet , will not help up those that are fallen : for 't is the genius of a true courtier not to lend a hand , or part with a farthing to one that wants every thing ; but will give any thing to him that wants nothing : or rather will lay up for a rainy day , because what he sees befal another to day , may be his own turn to morrow . he a stout heart should have , and steady head , that in a dangerous slipery path does tread ; and 't is the court that slipery place i call , where all men slip , and very few but fall . the difficulties we meet with in this country , are very surprizing ; for he takes the longest way about , that keeps the old track of honesty and true merit ; for where the address of some , does not help to make the fortune of others , immediately to eclipse his desert , calumny raises the thickest clouds , envy the blackest vapours , and the candidate is lost in the fog of competitors , and must hide himself behind a favourites recommendation , if ever he hopes to obtain what he seeks for : so that vertue is no longer vertue , nor vice vice , but every thing is confounded and eaten up by particular interests . a new comer , with his pockets well lined , is always welcome to any court in christendom , and every thing is provided for him without his own trouble . he neither acts nor speaks , and yet they admire him as a very wise man : first , because he is so foolish to hear them talk impertinently , and next because there is no little wisdom in his modesty and silence ; for had he acted or spoke never so little , they wou'd soon have found out the coxcomb . he that holds a courtier by the hand , has a wet eel by the tail. he no sooner thinks he is sure of him , but he has lost him . tho' you presented him in the morning , he will forget you at night , and utterly renounce you the day following . a profest courtier , tho he never aims at the peace of god , is past any man's understanding . he is incomparably skill'd in modish postures , and modeling his looks to every occasion : profound and impenetrable , can dissemble when he does ill offices , smile an enemy to death , frown a friend into banishment , put a constraint upon his natural temper , act against his own inclination , disguise his passions , rail against his own principles , contradict his own opinion , and by a brillant humour , convert a friendly openness and sincerity , into a sly chicanry and falshood . is it not a great amusement , that a man which can subsist upon his own , should throw himself into the two great plagues of mankind , expectation and dependance , and spend his life in an anti-chamber , a court-yard , or a stair-case , where he finds no advantage or content ; but is also hindred from finding it elsewhere . is it not strange , i say , to see a great man that lives and is respected in his own country like a prince , haunt the court to make himself little by comparison , and bow to those little animals at the palace , whose creeping , cringing , and long services , are all the merits they can pretend to . let the courtiers value themselves upon their refined pleasures , their power and interest : their being able to do good by chance , and evil by inclination ; yet he that is under no necessity of living precariously , or mending his present circumstances , 't is an amusement to see him dance attendance for a single office at court , that has so many at his own disposal in the country . and now let 's take our leave of all the courts in europe , and hoist sail for london ; the chiefest city in all christendom ▪ where we shall find matter enough to amuse our selves , tho' we should live as long as mathusela . amusement iii. london . london is a world by it self . we daily discover in it more new countries , and surprizing singularities , than in all the universe besides . there are among the londoners so many nations differing in manners , customs , and religions , that the inhabitants themselves don 't know a quarter of them . imagine then what an indian wou'd think of such a motly herd of people , and what a diverting amusement it would be to him , to examine with a traveller's eye , all the remarkable things of this mighty city . a whimsy now takes me in the head , to carry this stranger all over the town with me : no doubt but his odd and fantastical ideas , will furnish me with variety , and perhaps with diversion . thus i am resolv'd to take upon me the genius of an indian , who has had the curiosity to travel hither among us , and who had never seen any thing like what he sees in london . we shall see how he will be amazed at certain things , which the prejudice of custome makes to seem reasonable and natural to us . to diversifie the stile of my narration , i will sometimes make my traveller speak , and sometimes i will take up the discourse my self . i will represent to my self the abstracted ideas of an indian , and i will likewise represent ours to him . in short , taking it for granted , that we two understand one another by half a word , i will set both his and my imagination on the ramble . those that won't take the pains to follow us , may stay where they are , and spare themselves the trouble of reading further in the book ; but they that are minded to amuse themselves , ought to attend the caprice of the author for a few moments . i will therefore suppose this indian of mine , dropt perpendicularly from the clouds , and finds himself all on the sudden in the midst of this prodigious and noisy city , where repose and silence dare scarce shew their heads in the darkest night . at first dash the confused . clamours near temple-bar , stun him , fright him , and make him giddy . he sees an infinite number of differenr machines , all in violent motion . some riding on the top , some within , others behind , and iehu in the coach-box before , whirling some dignify'd villain towards the devil , who has got an estate by cheating the publick . he lolls at full stretch within , and half a dozen brawny bulk-begotten footmen behind . some carry , others are carry'd : make way there , says a gouty-leg'd chair-man , that is carrying a punk of quality to a mornings exercise : or a bartholomen . baby beau , newly launch'd out of a chocolate-house , with his pockets as empty as his brains . make room there , says another fellow driving a wheel-barrow of nuts , that spoil the lungs of the city prentices , and make them wheeze over their mistresses , as bad as the phlegmatick cuckolds their masters do , when call'd to family duty . one draws , another drives . stand ap there , you blind dog , says a carman , will you have the cart squeeze your guts out ? one tinker knocks , another bawls , have you brass pot , iron pot , kettle , skillet , or a frying-pan to mend : whilst another son of a whore yells louder than homer's stentor , two a groat , and four for six pence mackarel . one draws his mouth up to his ears , and howls out , buy my flawnders , and is followed by an old burly drab , that screams out the sale of her maids and her sole at the same instant . here a sooty chimney-sweeper takes the wall of a grave alderman ; and a broom-man justles the parson of the parish . there a fat greasie porter , runs a trunk full butt upon you , while another salutes your antlers with a flasket of eggs and butter . turn out there you country put , says a bully with a sword two yards long jarring at his heels , and throws him into the channel . by and by comes a christning , with the reader and the midwife strutting in the front , and young original sin as fine as fippence , followed with the vocal musick of kitchen-stuff ha' you maids ; and a damn'd trumpeter calling in the rabble to see a calf with six legs and a top-knot . there goes a funeral , with the men of rosemary after it , licking their lips after their three hits of white , sack , and claret at the house of mourning , and the sexton walking before , as big and bluff as a beef-eater at a coronation . here 's a poet scampers for 't as fast as his legs will carry him , and at his heels a brace of bandog bayliffs , with open mouths ready to devour him , and all the nine muses . well , say i to the indian ; and how do you like this crowd , noise , and perpetual hurry ? i admire and tremble , says the poor wretch to me . i admire that in so narrow a place , so many machines , and so many animals , whose motions are so directly opposite or different , can move so dexterously , and not fall foul upon one another . to avoid all this danger , shews the ingenuity of you europeans ; but their rashness makes me tremble , when i see brute heavy beasts hurry through so many streets , and run upon slippery uneven stones , where the least faise step brings them within an ace of death . while i behold this town of london , continues our contemplative traveller , i fancy i behold a prodigious animal . the streets are as so many veins , wherein the people circulate . with what hurry and swiftness is the circulation of london perform'd ? you behold , say i to him , the circulation that is made in the heart of london , but it moves more briskly in the blood of the citizens , they are always in motion and activity . their actions succeed one another with so much rapidity , that they begin a thousand things before they have finish'd one , and finish a thousand others before they have begun them . they are equally uncapable both of attention and patience , and tho' nothing is more quick , than the effects of hearing and seeing ; yet they don't allow themselves time either to hear or see ; but like moles , work in the dark , and undermine one another . all their study and labour is either about profit , or pleasure ; and they have schools for the education of their stalking-horses , which they call apprentices in the mystery of trade . a term unintelligible to foreigners , and that none truly understand the meaning of , but those that practice it . some call it over-witting those they deal with , but that 's generally denied as a heterodox definition ; for wit was never counted a london commodity , unless among their wives , and other city sinners ; and if you search all the warehouses and shops , from white-chappel bars , to st. clement's , if it were to save a man's life , or a womans honesty , you cannot find one farthing worth of wit among them . some derive this heathenish word trade from an hebrew original , and call it over-reaching , but the iews deny it , and say the name and thing is wholly christian ; and for this interpretation quote the authority of a london alderman , who sold a iew five fat 's of right-handed gloves , without any fellows to them , and afterwards made him purchase the left-handed ones to match them , at double the value . some call trade , honest gain , and to make it more palatable , have lacker'd it with the name of godliness ; and hence it comes to pass , that the generality of londoners are accounted such eminent professors ; but of all guessers , he comes nearest the mark , that said trade was playing a game at losing loadum , or dropping fools pence into knaves pockets , till the sellers were rich , and the buyers were bankrupts . about the middle of london , is to be seen a magnificent building , for the accommodation of the lady trade and her heirs and successors for ever , so full of amusements about twelve a clock every day , that one would think all the world was converted into news-mongers and intellingencers , for that 's the first salutation among all mankind that frequent that place . what news from scandaroon and aleppo ? says the turkey merchant . what price bears currants at zant ? apes at tunis ? religion at rome ? cutting a throat at naples ? whores at venice ? and the cure of a clap at padua ? what news of such a ship ? says the insurer . is there any hope of her being cast away , says the adventurer , for i have insured more by a thousand pounds , than i have in her ? so have i through mercy , says a second , and therefore let 's leave a letter of advice for the master , at the new light-house at plimouth , that he does not fail to touch at the good-win-sands , and give us advice of it from deal , or canterbury , and he shall have another ship for his faithful service as soon as he comes to london . i have a bill upon you , brother , says one alderman to another . go home , brother , says the other , and if money and my man be absent , let my wife pay you out of her privy-purse , as your good wife lately paid a bill at sight for me , i thank her ladyship . hark you , mr. broker , i have a parcel of excellent log-wood , block-tin , spiders brains , philosophers guts , don qnixot's windmills , hens-teeth , ell-broad pack-thread , and the quintescence of the blue of plumbs . go you puppy , you are fit to be a broker , and don 't know that the greshamites buy up all these rarities by wholesale all the year , and retail them out to the society every first of april . hah , old acquaintance ! touch flesh : i have have been seeking thee all the change over . i have a pressing occasion for some seeds of sedition , iacobite rue , and whig herb of grace , can'st furnish me ? indeed lau , no ; saith the merchant . i have just parted with them to the several coffee-houses about the town , where the respective merchants meet that trade in those commodities ; but if you want but a small parcel , you may be supplied by mrs. bald — n , or da — y and his son-in-law bell and clapper , and most booksellers in london and westminster . da , da , i 'll about it immediately . stay a little mr , — , i have a word in private to you . if you know any of our whig friends that have occasion for any stanch votes for the choice of mayors or sheriffs , that were calculated for the meridian of london , but will serve indifferently for any city , or corporation in europe , our friend mr. pars — l has abundance that lie upon his hands , and will be glad to dispose of them a good pennyworth . enough said , they are no winters traffick , for tho' mayors and woodcocks come in about michaelmas , they don't lay springes for sheriffs till about midsummer , and then we 'll talk with him about those weighty matters . there stalks a sergeant and his mace , smelling at the merchants backsides , like a hungry dog for a dinner . there walks a publick notary tied to an lnkhorn , like an ape to a clog , to put off his heathen-greek commodities , bills of store , and charter parties . that wheezing sickly shew with his breeches full of the prices of male and female commodities , projects , complaints , and all mismanagements from dan to beersheba , is the devil's broker , and may be spoken withal every sunday from eleven in the morning , till four in the afternoon , at the next quakers meeting , to his lodging , and not after ; for the rest of his time on that day he employs in adjusting his accompts , and playing at back-gammon with his principal . there goes a rat-catcher in state , brandishing his banner like a blackamore in a pageant on the execution-day of rost beef , greasie geese , and custards . and there sneaks a hunger-starv'd usurer in quest of a crasie citizen for use and continuance-money , which the other shuns as carefully as a sergeant , or the devil . now say i to my indian , is not all this hodge-podge a pleasant confusion , and a perfect amusement ? the astonish'd traveller reply'd , without doubt the indigested chaos was but an imperfect representation of this congregated huddle . but that which most amuses my understanding , is to hear 'em speak all languages , and talk of nothing but trucking , and bartering , buying and selling , borrowing and lending , paying and receiving , and yet i see nothing they have to dispose of unless those that have them , fell their gold chains , the braziers their leathern aprons , the young merchants their swords , or the old ones their canes and oaken-plants , that support their feeble carcases . that doubt , quoth i to my inquisitive indian , is easily solved , for tho their grosser wares are at home in their store-houses , they have many things of value to truck for , that they always carry about them : as justice for fat capons to be delivered before dinner , a reprieve from the whipping-post , for a dozen bottles of claret to drink after it . licences to sell ale for a hogshead of stout to his worship ; and leave to keep a coffee-house , for a cask of cold tea to his lady . name but what you want , and i 'll direct you to the walks where you shall find the merchants that will furnish you . would you buy the common hunt , the common cryers , the bridge-master's , or the keeper of newgate's places ? stay till they fall , and a gold-chain , and a great horse will direct you to the proprietors . would you buy any naked truth , or light in a dark-lanthorn ? look in the wet-quakers walk . have you occasion for comb-brushes , tweezers , cringes , or complements , a la mode ? the french walk will supply you . want you old cloaks , plain shooes , or formal gravity ? you may fit your self to a cows-thumb among the spaniards . have you any use in your country for upright honesty , or downright dealing ? you may buy plenty of them both among the stock-iobbers , for they are dead commodities , and that society are willing to quit their hands of them . would you lay out your indian gold for a new plantation ? enquire for the scotch walk , and you buy a good pennyworth in darien : three of your own kings , for as many new hats , and all their nineteen subjects into the purchase , to be delivered at the scotch east-india office , by parson pattison , or their secretary wisdom webster . if you want any tallow , rapparee's hides , or popish massacres , enquire in the irish walk , and you cannot lose your labour : but i am interrupted . look ! yonder 's a iew treading upon an italian's foot , to carry on a sodomitical intrigue , and bartering their souls here , for fire and brimstone in another world. see , there 's a beau that has play'd away his estate at a chocolate-house , going to sell himself to barbadoes , to keep himself out of newgate , and from scandalizing his relations at tyburn . there 's a poet reading his verses . and squeezing his brains into an amorous cits pockets , in hopes of a tester to buy himself a dinner . behind that pillar is a welch herald deriving a merchant's pedigree from adam's great grandfather , to entitle him to a coat of arms , when he comes to be alderman . but now the change began to empty so fast , i thought 't was time to troop off to an eating-house ; but my indian pull'd me by the sleeve to satisfie his curisioty , why they stain'd such stately pillars with so many dirty papers . i told him , they were advertisements . why , says he , don't they put them into the post-boy ? can't the folks in this country read it ? pray let me know the contents of some of these serawls . why first here is a ship to be sold , with all her tackle and lading , there are vertuous maidens that are willing to be transported with william penn into merriland , for the propogation of quakerism . in another is a tutor to be hired , to instruct any gentleman's , or merchant's children in their own families : and under that an advertisement of a milc-ass , to be sold at the night-mans in white-chappel . in another colume in a gilded-frame was a chamber-maid that wanted a service ; and over her an old batchelor that wanted a house-keeper . on the sides of these were two lesser papers , one containing an advertisement of a red-headed monkey lost from a seed-shop in the strand , with two guineas reward to him or her that shall bring him home again with his tail and collar on . on the other side was a large folio fill'd with wet and dry nurses ; and houses to be lett ; and parrots , canary-birds , and setting-dogs to be sold. they way to my lodging lay through cheapside , but dreading the canibal man-catchers at the counter-gate , that suck the blood , and pick the bones of all the paupers that fall into their clutches ; nay , are worse than dogs , for they 'll devour one another ; i tack'd about , and made a trip over moor-fields , and visited our friends in bedlam . a pleasant piece it is , and abounds with amusements ; the first of which is the building so stately a fabrick for persons wholly unsensible of the beauty and use of it : the outside is a perfect mockery to the inside , and admits of two amusing queries : whether the persons that ordered the building it , or those that inhabit it , were the maddest ? and whether the name and thing be not as disagreeable as harp and harrow ? but what need i wonder at that , since the whole is but one intire amusement : some were preaching , and others in full cry a hunting . some were praying , other cursing and swearing . some were dancing , others groaning . some singing , others crying , and all in perfect confusion . a sad representation of the greater chimerical world , only in this there 's no whoring , cheating , nor sleeping , unless after the platonick mode in thought , for want of action . here were persons confined that having no money nor friends , and but a small stock of confidence , run mad for want of preferment . a poet that for want of wit and sense , run mad for want of victuals , and a hard-favour'd citizens wife , that lost her wits because her husband kept a handsome mistress . in this apartment was a common lawyer pleading ; in another a civilian sighing ; a third enclosed a iacobite ranting against the revolution ; and a fourth a morose melancholy whig , bemoaning his want of an office , and complaining against abuses at court , and mismanagements . missing many others , whom i thought deserved a lodging among their brethren , i made enquiry after them , and was told by the keeper , they had many other houses of the same foundation in the city , where they were disposed of till they grew tamer , and were qualified to be admitted members of this soberer society . the projectors , who are generally broken citizens , were coop'd up in the counters and ludgate . the beaus , and rakes , and common mad gilts , that labour under a furor uterini in bridewell , and justice long 's powdering-tub ; and the vertuosi were confined to gresham-college . those , continued he , in whose constitutions folly has the ascendant over frenzy , are permitted to reside , and be smoaked in coffee-houses ; and those that by the governors of this hospital , are thought utterly incurable , are shut up with a pair of foils , a fiddle , and a pipe , in the inns of court and chancery ; and when their fire and spirits are exhausted , and they begin to dote , they are removed by habeas corpus into a certain hospital built for that purpose near amen-corner . walking from hence , i had leisure to ask my indian his opinion of these amusements , who after the best manner his genius would suffer him , harangued upon deficiency of sence , as the only beneficial quality , since the bare pretence to wit was attended by such tragical misfortunes , as confinement to straw , small drink , and flogging . hearing a noise as we approached near cripplegate church , my curiosity lead me into the inside of it , where mr. sm — ys was holding-forth against all the vices of the age , but whoring and midwifery ; for such a stretch of extravagancy had lost both his own and his wifes fees at christenings , and stuffing their wembs at churchings : and you know none but poets and players decry their own way of living . he was very heavenly upon conjugal duties and chastity , for a reason you may imagine : press'd filial obedience and honesty , with as much vigour , as if his own sons had been his auditors : but above all , laid out himself as powerfully in exciting his hearers to be charitable to the poor , as if himself had been the iudas and the bag-bearer . now i that am always more scared at the sight of a sergeant , or bayliff , than at the devil and all his works , was mortally frighted in my passage through barbican and long-lane , by the impudent ragsellers , in those scandalous climates , who laid hold of my arm to ask me , what i lack'd ? at first it made me tremble worse than a quaker in a fit of enthusiasm , imagining it had been an arrest ; but their rudeness continuing at every door , relieved me from those pannick fears ; uterini in bridewell , and justice long 's powdering-tub ; and the vertuosi were confined to gresham-college . those , continued he , in whose constitutions folly has the ascendant over frenzy , are permitted to reside , and be smoaked in coffee-houses ; and those that by the governors of this hospital , are thought utterly incurable , are shut up with a pair of foils , a fiddle , and a pipe , in the inns of court and chancery ; and when their fire and spirits are exhausted , and they begin to dote , they are removed by habeas corpus into a certain hospital built for that purpose near amen-corner . walking from hence , i had leisure to ask my indian his opinion of these amusements , who after the best manner his genius would suffer him , harangued upon deficiency of sence , as the only beneficial quality , since the bare pretence to wit was attended by such tragical misfortunes , as confinement to straw , small drink , and flogging . hearing a noise as we approached near cripplegate church , my curiosity lead me into the inside of it , where mr. sm — ys was holding-forth against all the vices of the age , but whoring and midwifery ; for such a stretch of extravagancy had lost both his own and his wifes fees at christenings , and stuffing their wembs at churchings : and you know none but poets and players decry their own way of living . he was very heavenly upon conjugal duties and chastity , for a reason you may imagine : press'd filial obedience and honesty , with as much vigour , as if his own sons had been his auditors : but above all , laid out himself as powerfully in exciting his hearers to be charitable to the poor , as if himself had been the iudas and the bag-bearer . now i that am always more scared at the sight of a sergeant , or bayliff , than at the devil and all his works , was mortally frighted in my passage through barbican and long-lane , by the impudent ragsellers , in those scandalous climates , who laid hold of my arm to ask me , what i lack'd ? at first it made me tremble worse than a quaker in a fit of enthusiasm , imagining it had been an arrest ; but their rudeness continuing at every door , relieved me from those pannick fears ; and the next that attack'd my arm with what ye buy , sir , what ye lack ? i threw him from my sleeve into the kennel , saying , tho' i want nothing out of your shops , methinks you all want good manners and civility , that are ready to tear a new sute from my back , under pretence of selling me an old one : avant vermin , your cloaths smell as rankly of newgate and tyburn , as the bedding to be sold at the ditch-side near fleet-bridge , smells of a bawdy-house and brandy . smithfield would next have afforded us variety of subjects to descant upon ; but it being neither bartholomew-fair time , nor market-day , i shall adjourn that view to another opportunity ; and now proceed to , amusement iv. westminster-hall . a magnificent building , which is open to all the world , and yet in a manner is shut up , by the prodigious concourse of people , who crowd and sweat to get in or out , and happy are they that don't leave their lives , estates , nor consciences behind them . here we entered into a great hall , where my indian was surprized to see , in the same place , men on the one side with bawbles and toys , and on the other taken up with the fear of judgment , on which depends their inevitable destiny . in this shop are to be sold ribbons and gloves , towers and commodes , by word of mouth : in another shop lands and tenements are disposed of by decree . on your left hand you hear a nimble tongu'd painted sempstress , with her charming treble , invite you to buy some of her knick-knacks : and on your right , a deep-mouth'd cryar commanding impossibilities , viz. silence to be kept among women and lawyers . what a fantastical jargon does this heap of contrarieties amount to ? while our traveller is making his observations upon this motly scene , he 's frighted at the terrible approaches of a multitude of men in black gowns , and round caps , that make between them a most hideous and dreadful monster , call'd pettyfogging , of which there is such store in england , that the people think themselves obliged to pray for the egyptian locusts , and catterpillars , in exchange for this kind of vermin . and this monster bellows out so pernicious a language , that one word alone is sufficient to ruine whole families . at certain hours appointed , there appears grave and dauntless men , whose very sight is enough to give one a quartan-ague , and who says this monster on his back . scarce a day passes over their heads , but they rescue out of his greedy jaws some thousand of acres half devoured . this cursed petty-fogging is much more to be feared than injustice it self . the latter openly undoes us , and affords us at least this comfort , that we have a right to bewail our selves ; but the former by its dilatory formalities , rob us of all we have , and tells us for our eternal despair , that we suffer by law. justice , if i may so express my self , is a beautiful young virgin disguis'd , brought on the stage by the pleader , pursued by the artorney , cajol'd by the counsellor , and defended by the iudge . some pert critick will tell me now that i have lost my way in digressions . under favour , this critick is in the wrong box , for digressions properly belong to my subject , since they are all nothing but amusements ; and this is a truth so uncontested , that i am resolved to continue them . by way of digression , i must here inform you , that in all those places of my voyage , where the indian perplexes me with his questions , i will drop him , as i have already done , to pursue my own reflexions : upon this condition however , that i may be allowed to take him up again , when i am weary of travelling alone . i will likewise make bold to quit the metaphor of my voyage , whenever the fancy takes me ; for i am so far from confining my self like a slave to one particular figure , that i will keep the power still in my hands , to change if i think fit at every period , my figure , subject , and stile , that i may be less tiresom to the modern reader ; for i know well enough , that variety is the predominant taste of the present age. altho' nothing is durable in this transitory world , yet 't is observ'd , that this saying proves false in westminster-hall , where there are things of eternal continuance , as thousands have found true by woful experience , i mean chancery suits . certain sons of parchment , call'd sollicitors and barristers , make it their whole business to keep the shuttle-cock in motion , and when one hand is weary of it , they play it into another . 't is the chiefest part of their religion to keep up and animate the differences among their clyents , as it was with the vestal virgins in the days of yore , to maintain the sacred fire . 't is a most surprizing thing that notwithstanding all the clamour , squaling , and bawling there is in the courts , yet you shall have a judge now and then take as comfortable a nap upon the bench , as if he was at church ; and every honest christian has reason to pray , that as often as a cause comes to be heard , the judges of ancient times were awake , and the modern fast asleep . however this must be said for them , that they are righteous enough in their hearts ; but the devil on 't is , that they can't tell which way to take to instruct themselves in the merits of the cause . the contending parties are suspected by them , the solicitor embroils them , the counsellor deafens them , the attorney importunes them , and ( is it not a sad thing ? ) the shee-sollicitor distracts them . well! let what will happen on 't , give me for my money the female sollicitor . a certain judge in the days of yore , made his boasts one day , that the most charming woman in the world , was not able to make him forget that he was a judge . very likely , sir , said a gentleman to him ; but i 'll lay twenty to one on nature's side . the magistrate was a man before he was a iudge . the first motion he finds is for the shee solicitor , and the second is for iustice. a very beautiful countess went to a morose surly judge's chamber , to prepossess him in favour of a very unrighteous cause , and to sollicite for a colonel , against a tradesman that sued him . this tradesman happened that very moment to be in his lordship's closet , who found his cause to be so just , and clear , that he could not forbear to promise him to take care he should carry the day . the words were no sooner out of his mouth , but our charming countess appear'd in the anti-chamber . the iudge immediately run as fast as his gouty legs would give him leave to meet her ladyship . her eyes , her air , her graceful deportment , the sound of her voice , so many charms in short , pleaded so powerfully in her favour , that at the first moment he found the man too powerful for the iudge , and he promised our countess , that the collonel should gain his cause . thus you see the poor judge engaged on both sides . when he came back to his closet , he found the tradesman reduc'd to the last despair . i saw her , cries the fellow as it were out of his wits . i saw the lady that solicits against me , and lord what a charming creature she is ? i am undone my lord , my cause is lost and ruin'd ! why , says the judge , not yet recovered from his confusion , imagine your self in my place , and tell me if 't is possible for frail man to refuse any thing that so beautiful a lady asks ? as he spoke these words , he pull'd a hundred pistols out of his pocket , which amounted to the sum the tradesman sued for , and gave them to him . by some means or other the countess came to the knowledge of it ; and as she was vertuous even to a scruple , she was afraid of being too much obliged by so generous a judge , and immediately sent him a hundred pistoles . the colonel full as gallant as the countess was scrupulous , paid her the sum aforesaid ; and thus every one did as he ought to do . the judge was afraid of being unjust , the countess feared to be too much obliged , the collonel paid , and the tradesman was satisfied : or according to our old english adage , all was well , iack had ioan , and the man had his mare again . shall i give you my opinion of this judge's behaviour . the first motion he found in himself , was for the charming sollicitrix , which i cannot excuse him for ; and the second was for iustice , for which i admire him . while i thus amus'd my self , my traveller is lost in a fog of black-gowns ; let us go and find him . oh yonder he is at the farther end of the hall , i call to him , he strives to come to me , but his breath fails him , the crowd over-presses him , he 's carried down the stream , he swims upon his elbows to get to shoar . at last half spent , and dripping from every pore in his body , he comes up to me , and all the relation i could get from him of what he had seen , was ; oh this counfounded country ! let us get out of it as soon as possibly we can , and never see it more . come , come , says i to him , let 's go and refresh our selves after this fatigue ; and to put the idea of the hall out of our heads , let 's go this evening into the delicious country of opera . amusement v. the play-house . the play-house is an inchanted island , where nothing appears in reality what it is , nor what it should be . 't is frequented by persons of all degrees and qualities whatsoever , that have a great deal of idle time lying upon their hands , and can't tell how to employ it worser . here lords come to laugh , and to be laugh'd at for being there , and seeing their qualities ridicul'd by every triobolary poet. knights come hither to learn the amorous smirk , the ala mode grin , the antick bow , the newest-fashion'd cringe , and how to adjust his phiz , to make himself as ridiculous by art , as he is by nature . hither come the country gentlemen to shew their shapes , and trouble the pit with their impertinence about hawking , hunting , and their handsome wives , and their house-wifery . there sits a beau like a fool in a frame , that dares not stir his head , nor move his body , for fear of incommoding his wig , ruffling his cravat , or putting his eyes , or mouth out of the order his maitre de dance had set it in , whilst a bully beau comes drunk into the pit , screaming out , dam me , jack , 't is a confounded play , let 's to a whore and spend our time better . here the ladies come to shew their cloaths , which are often the only things to be admir'd in or about ' em . some of them having scab'd , or pimpled faces , wear a thousand patches to hide them , and those that have none , scandalize their faces by a foolish imitation . here they shew their courage by being unconcerned at a husband being poison'd , a hero being kill'd , or a passionate lover being jilted : and discover their modesties by standing buff at a baudy song , or a naked obscene figure . by the signs that both sexes hang out , you may know their qualities or occupations , and not mistake in making your addresses . men of figure and consideration , are known by seldom being there , and men of wisdom and business , by being always absent . a beau is known by the decent management of his sword-knot , and snust-box . a poet by his empty pockets : a citizen by his horns and gold hatband : a whore by a vizor-mask : and a fool by talking to her . a play-house wit is distinguish'd by wanting understanding ; and a iudge of wit by nodding and sleeping , till the falling of the curtain , and crowding to get out awake him . i have told you already , that the play-house was the land of enchantment , the country of metamorphosis , and performed it with the greatest speed imaginable . here in the twinkling of an eye , you shall see men transform'd into demi-gods : and goddesses made as true flesh and blood , as our common women . here fools by slight of hand , are converted into wits . honest women into errant whores , and which is most miraculous , cowards into valiant hero's , and rank coquets and iilts into as chaste and vertuous mistresses , as a man would desire to put his knife into . let us now speak a word or so , of the natives of this country , and the stock of wit and manners by which they maintain themselves , and ridicule the whole world besides . the people are all somewhat whimsical , and giddy-brain'd : when they speak , they sing , when they walk , they dance , and very often do both when they have no mind to it . the stage has now so great a share of atheism , impudence , and prophaneness , that it looks like an assembly of demons , directing the way hellward ; and the more blasphemous the poets are , the more are they admired , even from huffing dryden , to sing-song durfey , who always stutters at sence , and speaks plain when he swears g — dam me . what are all their new plays but damn'd insipid dull farces , confounded toothless satyr , or plaguy rhiming plays , with scurvy heroes , worse than the knight of the sun , or amadis de gaul . they are the errantest plagiaries in nature , and like our common news-writers , steal from one another . when any humour takes in london , they ride it to death before they leave it . the primitive christians were not persecuted with half that variety , as the poor unthinking beaux are tormented with upon the theatre . character they supply with a smutty song , humour with a dance , and argument with lightning and thunder , which has often reprieved many a scurvy play from damning . a huge great muff , and a gaudy ribbon hanging at a bully's backside , is an excellent jest ; and new invented curses , as stap my vitals , damn my diaphragma , slit my wind-pipe ; rig up a new beau , tho' in the main 't is but the same everlasting coxcomb ; and there 's as much difference between their rhimes , and solid verse , as between the royal psalmist , and hopkins and sternhold , with their collars of ay 's and eeke's about them . 't is a hard matter to find such things as reason , sense , or modesty , among them ; for the mens heads are so full of musick , that you can have nothing from them but empty sounds ; and the women are so light , they may easily be blown up or down like a feather . amusement vi. the walks . we have divers sorts of walks about london , in some you go to see and be seen , in others neither to see nor to be seen , but like a noun substantive to be felt , heard , and understood . the ladies that have an inclination to be private , take delight in the close walks of spring-gardens , where both sexes meet , and mutually serve one another as guides to lose their way , and the windings and turnings in the little wildernesses , are so intricate , that the most experienc'd mothers , have often lost themselves in looking for their daughters . from spring-garden we set our faces towards hide-park , where horses have their diversion as well as men , and neigh and court their mistresses almost in as intelligible a dialect . here people coach it to take the air , amidst a cloud of dust , able to choak a foot soldier , and hinder'd us from seeing those that come thither on purpose to shew themselves : however we made hard shift to get now and then a glance at some of them . here we saw much to do about nothing ; a world of brave men , gilt-coaches , and rich liveries . within some of them were upstart courtiers , blown up as big as pride and vanity could swell them to ; sitting as upright in their chariots , as if a stake had been driven through them . it would hurt their eyes to exchange a glance upon any thing that 's vulgar , and that 's the reason they are so sparing of their looks , that they will neither bow nor move their hats to any thing under a duke or a dutchess ; and yet if you examine some of their originals ; a covetous , soul-less miser , or a great oppressor , laid the foundation of their families , and in their retinue there are more creditors than servants . see , says my indian , what a bevy of gallant ladies are in yonder coaches ; some are singing , others laughing , others tickling one another , and all of them toying and devouring cheefe-cakes , march-pane , and china oranges . see that lady says he , was ever any thing so black as her eye , and so clear as her forehead ? one would swear her face had taken its tincture from all the beauties in nature ; and yet perhaps , answered i to my fellow traveller , all this is but imposture ; she might , for ought we know , go to bed last night as ugly as a hagg , tho' she now appears like an angel : and if you did but see this puppet taken to pieces , her whole is but paint and plaster . from hence we went to take a turn in the mall . when we came into these pleasant walks , my fellow traveller was ravish'd at the most agreeable sight in nature . there were none but women there that day as it happened , and the walks were covered with them . i never , said he to me laughing , beheld in my life so great a flight of birds . bless me , how fine and pretty they are . friend , reply'd i to him in the same metaphor , these are birds to amuse one , that change their feathers two or three times a day . they are fickle and light by inclination , weak by constitution , but never weary of billing and chirping . they never see the day till the sun is just going to set , they hop always upright with one foot upon the ground , and touch the clouds with their proud toppings . in a word , the generality of women are peacocks when they walk ; water-wagtails when they are within doors , and turtles when they meet face to face . this is a bold description of them , says my indian . pray tell me , sir , says he , is this portrait of them after nature ? yes , without question , answer'd i , but i know some women that are superior to the rest of their sex , and perhaps to men also . in relation to those , i need not say much to distinguish them from the rest , for they 'll soon distinguish themselves by their vertuous discourse and deportment . nothing is so hard to be defined as women , and of all women in the world none are so undefinable as those of london . the spanish women are altogether spanish , the italians altogether italians , the germans altogether germans , the french women always like themselves ; but among the london women we find spaniards , italians , germans , and french , blended together into one individual monopoly of all humours and fashions . nay , how many different nations are there of our english ladies . in the first place there is the politick nation of your ladies of the town . next the savage nation of country dames . then the free nation of the coquets . the invisible nation of the faithful wives , ( the worst peopled of all . ) the good-natur'd nation of wives that cuckold their husbands , ( they are almost forced to walk upon one anothers heads , their numbers are so prodigious . ) the warlike nation of intriguing ladies . the fearful nation of — , but there are scarce any of them left . the barbarous nation of mothers-in-law . the haughty nation of citizens wives , that are dignified with a title . the strowling nation of your regular visitants , and the lord knows how many more : not to reckon the superstitious nation that run after conjurers and fortune-tellers . 't is pitty this latter sort are not lock'd up in a quarter by themselves , and that the nation of cunning women are not rooted out that abuse them , and set them upon doing some things , which otherwise they would not . i have suffer'd my self to be carried too far by my subject . 't is a strange thing that we cannot talk of women with a just moderation : we either talk too much , or too little of them : we don't speak enough of vertuous women , and we speak too much of those that are not so . men would do justice to 'em all , if they could talk of them without passion ; but they scarce speak at all of those that are indifferent : they are prepossessed for them they love , and against them by whom they cannot make themselves to be beloved . they rank the latter in the class of irregular women , because they are wise , and indeed wiser than they would have them be . the railing of the men ought to be the justification of the women ; but it unluckily falls out , that one half of the world take delight to raise scandalous stories , and t'other half in believing them . slander has been the product of all times , and all countries ; it is very near of as ancient standing in the world , as vertue . defamation ought to be more severely punish'd than theft . it does more injury to civil societies , and 't is a harder matter to secure one's reputation from a slanderer , than one's money from a robber . all the world are agreed , that both one and the other are scoundrels , yet for all that we esteem 'em when they excel in this art. a nice and a witty railer is the most agreeable person in conversation ; and he that dexterously picks another man's pocket , as your quacks and attornies , draws the veneration even of those who live by cutting of purses . when one observes in what reputation both of them live , one would be apt to say , that'tis neither defamation , nor robbery , that we blame in others ; but only their awkardness and want of skill . they are punish'd for not being able to arrive at the perfection of their art. come , come , says my indian , you ramble from your subject ; you speak of back-biting in general , whereas at present we are only talking of that branch of it which belongs to women . i would bring you back to that point , which puts me in mind of certain laws , which was heretofore proposed by a legislator of my country . one of these laws gave permission for one woman to slander another ; in the first place , because it is impossible to prevent it ; and besides , because in matters of gallantry , she that accuses her neighbour , might her self be accused of it in her turn , pursuant to the ancient and righteous law of returning a rowland for an oliver . but how would you have a woman quit scores with a man , who has publish'd disadvantageous stories of her ? must she serve him in the same kind ? by all means : for if men think it a piece of merit to conquer women , and women place theirs in well defending themselves , she that gets a lover sings a triumph ; and she that loves , confesses her felf to be conquered . if it were true , that the ladies were more weak than we are , their fall would be more excusable ; but i think we are weaker than our wives , since we expect they should pardon us in every thing , and we will pardon nothing in them . one would think that when a man had got a woman into a matrimonial noose , 't was enough for her to be wholly his : and by the same reason should not the man be wholly hers ? what a tyranny is this in the men , to monopolize infidelity to themselves ? but if men will be slandering women , let them vent their fury against those only that are ugly , for that is neither slandering nor calumniating , tho'it be a crime the ladies will never forgive ; for the generality of them are more jealous of the reputation of their beaties , than of their honours , and she that wants a whole morning at least to bring her face to perfection , would be more concern'd to be surpriz'd at her toilet , than to be taken in the arms of a gallant . i am not at all surprized at this notion , for the chief vertue in the ladies catechism is to please ; and beauty pleases men more effectually than wisdom . one man loves sweetness and modesty in a woman ; another loves a jolly damsel with life and vigour ; but agreeableness and beauty relishes with all humane pallats . a young woman who has no other portion than her hopes of pleasing , is at a loss what measures to take that she may make her fortune . is she simple , we despise her : is she vertuous we don't like her company . is she a coquet , we avoid her : therefore to succeed well in the world , 't is necessary that she be vertuous , simple , and a coquet all at once . simplicity invites us , coquetry amuses , and vertue retains us . 't is a hard matter for a woman to escape the censures of the men. 't is much more so to guard themselves from the womens tongues . a lady that sets up for vertue , makes her self envied ; she that pretends to gallantry , makes her self despised ; but she that pretends to nothing , escapes contempt and envy , and saves her self between two reputations . this management surpasses the capacity of a young woman : those that are young and handsome , are exposed to two temptations : to preserve themselves from them they want the assistance of reason ; and 't is their misfortune that reason comes not in to their relief , till their youth and beauty , and the danger is gone together . tell us why should not reason come as soon as beauty , since one was made to defend the other ? it does not depend upon a woman to be handsome ; the only beauty that all of them might have , and some of them , to speak modestly , think fit to part with , is chastity ; but of all beauties whatsoever , 't is the easiest to lose . she that never was yet in love , is so asham'd of her first weakness , that she would by all means conceal it from her self : as for the second , she desires to conceal it from others ; but she does not think it worth the while to conceal the third from any body . when chastity is once gone , 't is no more to be retriev'd than youth . those that have lost their chastities , assumes an affected one , which is much sooner provoked than that which is real : of which we had an experiment in the close walk at the head of rosamond's pond , where for one poor equivocal world , a brisk she was ready to tear a gentleman's cravat off ; who after a further parley , discover'd her self to be sensible of some things which she ought to have been ignorant of , to have maintained her affected modesty . a lady of this character was sitting on the side of this pond upon the grass with her younger sister newly come out of the country , to whom a spark sitting by , entertain'd her with a relation of an amorous adventure between my lord — , and my lady love it ; but expressing himself in such obscene ambiguous terms , that a woman that did not know what was what , could as soon fly with a hundred weight of lead at her heels , as tell what to make of it : the more obscurely the gentleman told his story , the more attentively did our young creature listen to it , and discover'd her curiosity by some simple harmless questions . the elder of the two sisters desirous to let the gentleman , and others that sate by them , understand that she had more modesty than her younger sister , cryed out , oh fie , sister , fie ; can you hear such a wicked story as this without blushing ? alas , sister , says the young innocency , i don't yet know what it is to blush , or what it is you mean by it ! the gentleman soon took the hint , and whispering the elder sister in the ear , she immediately sends home the young ignorant creature by her footman , and trig'd away hand in hand with the gentleman . her cunning management , shew'd her an experienc'd coquet , who observ'd a sort of decorum , to usher in a greater liberty . every thing is managed in good order , by a woman that knows her company , and understands her business . he that loses his money out of complaisance , yields place to him who lends the lady his coach to take the air in . the young heir begins where the ruin'd cully ended . he that pays for the collation , is succeeded by another that eats it ; and when my lord comes in at the gate , poor sir iohn must scamper out at the window . the green walk afforded us variety of discourses from persons of both sexes . here walk'd a beau bare-headed by a company of the common profession in dishabilie , and night-dresses ; either for want of day cloths , or to shew they were ready for business . here walk'd a french fop with both his hands in his pockets , carrying all his pleated coat before , to shew his silk breeches . there were a cluster of senators talking of state affairs , and the price of corn , and cattle , and were disturb'd with the noisy milk folks , crying , a can of milk , ladies ; a can of red cows milk , sir. here were a beavy of bucksom lasses complaining of the decay of trade , and monopilies ; and there vertuous women , railing against whores , their husbands , and coquettry . and now being weary of walking so long , we reposed our selves upon one of the benches , and digesting several dialogues between the modest ladies and coquets , made this observation . that tho' the coquets were despised by the generality of ladies , yet they immitate them to a hairs breadth in their whole conduct . they learn of them the winning air , the bewitching glance , the amorous smirk , and the sullen pout . they talk , and dress , and patch like them : they must needs go down with the stream . it is the coquets that invent the new modes and expressions ; every thing is done for them , and by them ; tho' with all these advantages , there is a vast difference between the one and the other . the reputation of vertuous women is more solid ; that of coquets is more extended . but i am sensible i have made too long a stay in this part of my voyage . a man always amuses himself longer with the women , than he is willing . well , since we are here , let 's shew our indian the horse-guards , the country of gallantry . in our way thither , was nothing worth our observation , unless 't was the bird-cage , inhabited by wild-fowl ; the ducks begging charity , the black-guard boys robbing their own bellies to relieve them , and an english dog-kennel translated into a french eating-house . gallantry . let's enter into this brave country , and see — : but what is there to be seen here ? gallantry and bravery which was formerly so well cultivated , so flourishing and frequented by many persons of honour , is at present desolate , unmanur'd , and abandoned ! what a desert 't is become ! alass , i can see nothing in it but a disbanned soldier mounted upon a pedestal , standing centinel over the ducks and wild-geese , and to prevent an invasion by o — 's spanish pilgrims , or webster's darcinus . why , says my indian , is that a soldier ? he has ne'er a sword , and is naked . i suppose , reply'd i to the indian , since the peace he has pawn'd his sword to buy him food ; and for his being naked , who regards it ? what signifies a soldier in time of peace ? pish , a soldier naked , is that such a wonder ? what are they good for else but hanging , or starving , when we have no occasion for them ; as has been learnedly determined by the author of that original amusement , arguments against a standing army . our god , and soldier , we alike adore , iust at the brink of danger , not before ; after deliverance , they are alike requited , our god 's forgotten , and our soldier 's slighted . come , this is a melancholy country , let 's leave amusing our selves about gallantry and bravery , and all at once , like men that have nothing to do , nor nothing to have , take a trip into the land of marriage , and see who and who are together : but first , what are those soldiers doing ? they look like brave fellows . they are , ( says i ) drawn up to prayers ; and would be brave men indeed , if they were half as good at praying , and fighting , as they are at cursing and swearing . amusement vii . marriage . t is a difficult task to speak so of marriage , as to please all people . those who are not noos'd in the snare , will thank me for giving a comical description of it . the grand pox eat this buffoon , says the serious wary husband ; if he was in my place , he wou'd have no more temptation to laugh , than to break his neck . if i moralize gravely upon the inconveniences of matrimony , those that have a longing to enter into that honourable state , will complain that i disswade them from so charming a condition . how then shall i order my discourse ? for i am in a great perplexity about it . a certain painter made a picture of hymen for a young lover . i wou'd have him drawn , says this passionate gentleman , with all the graces your utmost skill can bestow upon him : above all , remember that hymen ought to be more beautiful than adonis : you must put into his hands a flambeau more brillant than that of love. in short , give him all the charms that your imagination and colours can bestow . i will pay you for your picture , according as i find you use my friend hymen . the painter who was well acquainted with his generous temper , was not wanting , you may be sure , to answer his expectations , and brought him home the piece the evening before he was married . our young lover was not at all satisfied with it . this figure , says he , wants a certain gay air , it has none of those charms and agreements . as you have painted him , he makes but a very indifferent appearance , and therefore you shall but be indifferently paid . the painter who had as much presence of mind , as skill in his profession , took a resolution what to do that very moment . you are in the right on 't , sir , said he , to find fault with my picture , it is not yet dry : this face is soak'd , and to deal freely with you , the colours i use in painting , don't appear worth a farthing at first . i will bring you this table some months hence , and then you shall pay me , as you find it pleases you : i am confident it will appear quite another thing then . sir , your humble servant , i have no occasion for money . the painter carried his piece home ; our young lover was married the next day , and some months went over his head before the painter appear'd . at last he brings the picture with him , and our young husband was surpriz'd when he saw it . you promis'd , says he , that time wou'd mend your picture , and you are as good as your word . lord , what a difference there is ? i swear i scarce know it now i see it again . i admire to see what a strange effect a few months have had upon your colours ; but i admire your ingenuity much more . however , sir , i must take the freedom to tell you , that in my opinion his looks are somewhat of the gayest , these eyes are too brisk and lively : then to deal plainly with you , the fires of hymen ought not to be altogether so bright as those of love ; for his is a solid but heavy fire . besides , the disposition of your figure , is somewhat to free , and chearful , and you have given him a certain air of wantonness , which let me tell you , sir , does not at all sit well upon .. … in short , this is none of hymen . very well , sir , said the painter ; what i foresaw is now come to pass . hymen at present is not so beautiful in your idea , as in my picture . the case is mightily alter'd from what it was three months ago . 't is not my picture , but your imagination that is changed : you were a lover then , but now a husband . i understand you very well , says the husband interrupting him , let us drop that matter . your picture now pleases , and here is more money for it than you could reasonably have expected . by no means says the painter , you must excuse me there ; but i will give you another picture , wherein by certain optick rules and perspectives , it shall be so contrived , as it shall please both the lovers and the husbands , and perform'd it accordingly , placing it at the end of a long-gallery , upon a kind of an alcove ; and to come to this alcove , one must first pass over a very slippery step. on this side of it was the critical place where the piece look'd so lovely and delicious ; but as soon as you were gone beyond it , it made a most lamentable figure . if you understand how difficult a thing it is to paint matrimony to the gust of all people , pray suspend your censure here , i am going to present my picture , chuse what light you please to view it in . to come back to my travelling stile , i must tell you at first dash that marriage is a country that peoples all others : the commonalty are more fruitful there than the nobility , the reason of which perhaps is , that the nobility take more delight to ramble abroad , than stay at home . marriage has this peculiar property annext to it , that it can alter the humours of those that are setled in it . it frequently transforms a jolly fellow into a meer sot , it often melts down a beau into an errant sloven ; and on the other hand it so happens sometimes , that a witty vertuous woman will improve a dull heavy country booby , into a man of sence and gallantry . people marry for different motives : some are lead by portion , and others by reason ; the former without knowing what they are going to do , and the latter knowing no more , but that the thing must be done . there are men in the world so weary of quiet and indolence , that they marry only to divert themselves . in the first place the choice of a woman employs them for some time : then visits and interviews , feasts and ceremonies ; but after the last ceremony is over , they are more tired and weary than ever . how many hundred married couples do we see , who from the second year of their coming together , have nothing more in common than their names , their quality , their ill humour and their misery . i don't wonder there are so many unhappy matches , since folks masry rather wholly of their own heads , or wholly by those of others . a man that marries of his own head , not seeing that in his spouse , which all the world sees in her , is in danger of seeing much more in her , than others ever did . another that has not courage enough to trust his own judgment , fairly applies himself to the next match-maker in the neighbourhood , who knows to a tittle the exact rates of the market , and the current price of young women that are fit to marry . these marriage hucksters , or wife-brokers , have an admirable talent to sort conditions , families , trades , and estates : in short , every thing together , except humours and inclinations , about which they never trouble themselves . by the procurement of these experienc'd matrons , a marriage is struck up like a smithfield bargain : there is much higling and wrangling for t' other ten pound . one side endeavours to raise , and the other to beat down the market price . at last , after a world of words spent to fine purpose , they come to a conclusion . others that have not time to truck and bargain so , go immediately to a scrivener's to find out a rich widow , as they go to the office of intelligence to hearken out a service . it is not altogether the match-makers fault , if you are deceived in your woman . she gives you an account of her portion to a farthing ▪ you examine nothing but the articles relating to the family and the fortune ; the woman is left in the margin of the inventory , and you find her too much at long run . after all that i have said , i am not afraid to advance this proposition ; that 't is possible for those that marry to be happy . but you must call it trucking or bartering , and not marrying , to take a woman meerly for her fortune , and reckon her perfections by the number of pounds she is like to bring with her . not is it to marry but to please one's self , to choose a wife as we do a tulip , meerly for her beauty . it is not to marry , but to doat at a certain age , to take a young woman only for the sake of her company . what is it then to be marry'd ? why , 't is to choose with circumspection , and deliberation , by inclination , and not by interest , such a woman as will chuse you after the same manner . besides other things in common with all the world , the country of marriage has this particular to it self ; that strangers have a desire to settle there , and the natural inhabitants wou'd be banish'd out of it with all their hearts . a man may be banish'd out of this country by certain things call'd separation ; but the true way of getting out of it is by widdow-hood , and is much to be preferred before separation ; for the separated are savage animals , uncapable of the prettiest ties of society . the usual causes of separation is assign'd as the fault of the wife , but often the husband is the occasion that the wife is in the fault ; and he himself is a fool to proclaim to the world that his wife has made a false step. it will be expected now , that i speak a few words of widdowhood . 't is a copious and fertile subject that 's certain ; but a man may burn his fingers by medling with it . for if i describe them but as little concern'd for the death of their husbands , i shall offend the rules of decency and good manners , and if i exaggerate their afflictions , i shall offend the truth . whatever our railers pretend to the contrary , i say there 's no widdowhood without a sprinkling of sorrow in it . is it not a very sorrowful condition to be obliged to counterfeit a perpetual sorrow ? a very doleful part this , that a widdow must plhy , who would not give the world occasion to talk of her . there are some widdows in the world so mightily befriended by providence , that their sighs and tears cost them nothing i know one of a contrary temper to this , who did honestly all that in her lay to afflict her self ; but nature it seems had denied her the gift of tears . she desir'd to raise the compassion of her husband's relations , for her all depended on them . one day her brother-in-law , who lamented exceedingly , reproach'd her for not having shed one tear. alass , reply'd the widow to him , my poor heart is so over-whelm'd with this unexpected calamity , that i am , as it were become insensible by it . great sotrows are not felt at first ; but i am sure mine will kill me in the end. i know very well , said her brother-in-law to her , that griefs too great don't make themselves at first to be perceived ; and i know as well , that violent griefs don't continue long . thus , madam , you will be strangely surprized , that the grief of your widdowhood will be past before you are aware . another widow was reduced to the last pitch of despair , nor was it without a very sorrowful occasion . she had lost upon the same day the best husband , and the prettiest little lap-dog in london . this double widdowhood had brought her to so low a condition , that her friends were afraid of her life . they durst not speak to her of eating and drinking ; nay , they durst not so much as offer to comfort her . 't is a dangerous matter , you know , to combat a woman's grief . the best way is to let time and their natural inconstancy work it off . however to accustom our widdow by little and little to support the idea of her two losses , a good friend spoke to her first of her little dog. at the bare name of dony , there was such a howling and crying , such tearing of hair , and beating of breasts ; in short , such a noise , and such a pother , that one would have thought heaven and earth had been coming together ▪ at last she fainted away . well , says this prudent friend of hers , god be prais'd i was so happy as not to mention her husband to her , for then she had certainly died upon the spot . the next day the name of dony set her tears a running in so great plenty , that it was hoped the spring would stop of it self , and the above-mentioned zealous friend , thought she might now venture to administer some consolation to her . alass , says she , if the bare name of dony gives you so much affliction , what might we not fear from you , should we talk to you of your dear husband ? but god forbid i should do that . ah poor dony ! to be mow'd down thus in the flower of youth and beauty ! well , madam , you 'll never have such another pretty creature again . but 't is happy for the dog that he 's dead , for you cou'd never have lov'd him longer that 's certain ! is it possible for a woman to love any thing after she has lost her husband ? after this manner it was that this discreet gentlewoman very dexterously mingled the idea of the husband with that of dony , well knowing that as two shoulders of mutton drive down one another , so two powerful griefs destroy one another by making a diversion . she observed that at the name of dony , her tears redoubled , which stopt short at the name of husband : it was without question , a sort of a qualm . every body knows that tears are a tribute we owe , and only pay to ordinary griefs . however it was , our poor afflicted widow passed several days and nights in this sad alternative of weeping for her dog , and lamenting her husband . at last her good friend enquired all over the town for a pretty dog ; and it was her good luck to light upon one much finer and prettier than dony of happy memory , and presented it to our widdow , who burst into a fresh stream of tears as she accepted it . this beautiful new-comer , so strangely insinuated himself into her good affections , that within eight days he had got the ascendant of her heart , and dony was no more thought of , then if he had never had a being there . observe now what a consequence our widows friend drew from it . if a new dog has put a stop to her tears , perhaps a new husband will have the same operation upon her qualms . but alass , the one was not to be so easily effected as the other . the new dog so play'd his cards , that he effaced the memory of his predecessors in eight days ; but it was above three long tedious months , before our widow could be brought to take a new husband into her bed. now tho' i left my self full power to drop my indian traveller as often as i saw convenient , yet i have no intention to lose him out of my sight ; for i have occasion for him to authorize certain odd fances that come into my head , concerning philosophy and physick , which are the next countries i design to visit . amusement viii . the philosophical , or virtuosi country . in this country every thing is obscure , their habitations , their looks , their language , and their learining . 't is a long time ago since they undertook to cultivate the country of science ; but the only thing they have made clear and undeniable , is , that one and one makes two : and the reason why this is so clear , is because it was known by all men before they made a science of it . their geometricians work upon so solid a foundation , that as soon as ever they have well laid the first stone , they carry on their buildings without the least fear , so high as the atmosphere ; but their philosophers build those haughty edifices they call systems , upon a quite different bottom . they lay their foundation in the air , and when they think they are come to solid ground , the building disappears , and the architects tumble down from the clouds . this country of experimental philosophy , is very amusing , and their collections of rarities exceeds that of iohn tradusken , for here are the galls of doves , the eye-teeth of flying toads , the eggs of ants , and the eyes of oysters . here they weigh the air , measure heat , cold , dryness , and humidity , great discoveries for the publick advantage of mankind . without giving our selves the trouble to make use of our senses , we need but only cast our eyes upon a weather-glass , to know if 't is hot or cold , if it rains , or is fair weather . tempted by these noble curiosities , i desired the favour of seeing some of the gentlemen they called improvers of nature , and immediately they shewed me an old bard cutting asp leaves into tongues , which were to be fastened in the mouths of flowers , fruits , herbs , and seeds , with design to make the whole creation vocal . another was dissecting atomes , and mites in cheese , for the improvement of the anatomical science , and a third was transfusing the blood of an ass into an astrological quack ; of a sheep into a bully ; and of a fish into an exchange-woman , which had all the desired effects ; the quack prov'd a sot , the bully a coward , and the tongue-pad was silent . all prodigies in nature , and none miscarried in the operation . in another apartment were a curious collection of contemplative gentlemen , that had their employments severally assign'd them . one was chewing the cud upon dr. burnet's new system of the world , and making notes upon it in consutation of moses and all the antidiluvian historians . another was reconciling the differences among learned men , as between aristotle and des cartes , cardan and copernicus , william penn and christianity , mr. edwards and arabick : determining the controversy between the acidists and alkalists , and putting a period to the abstruse debates between the engineers and mouse-trap makers . if any one ask me , which of these disputants has reason of his side , i will say that some of them have the reason of antiquity , the other the reason of novelty ; and in matters of opinion , these two reasons have a greater influence upon the learned , than reason it self . those that set up for finding the north-west passage into the land of philosophy , would with all their hearts , if it were possible , follow these two guides all at once , but they are afraid to travel in a road where they talk of nothing but accidents and privation , hecceities and entelechias . then they find themselves all on the sudden seized with hot and cold , dry and moist , penetrated by a subtile matter , encompassed with vortexes , and so daunted by the fear of a vacuum , that it drives them back , instead of encouraging them to go forward . a man need not lay it much to heart that he never travel'd through this country ; for those that have not so much as beheld it at a distance , know as much of it almost , as these that have spent a great deal of money and time there ; but one of their arts i admire above all the rest , and that is , when they have consumed their estates in trifling experiments , to perswade themselves they are now as rich , and eat and drink as luxuriously as ever ; they view a single shilling in a multiplying glass , which makes it appear a thousand , and view their commons in a magnifying glass , which makes a lark look as big as a turkey-cock , and a three-penny chop as large as a chine of mutton . before i let my traveller pass from this place to physick , 't will not be amiss to make him remark , that in the country of science and the court , we lose our selves ; that we don't search for our selves in marriage ; that in the walks and among women we find our selves again ; but seldom or never come back from the kingdom of physick . amusement ix . physick . the first thing remarkable in the country of physick , is , that it is situate upon the narrow passage from this world to the other . 't is a clymaterick country , where they make us breath a refreshing air , but such a one as is a great enemy to the natural heat , and those that travel far in this climate , throw away a world of money in drugs , and at last die of hunger . the language that is spoken here , is very learned ; but the people that speak it are very ignorant . in other countries we learn languages to be able to express what we know in clear and intelligible terms ; but it looks as if physicians learnt their gibberish for no other purpose , than to embroil what they do not understand . how i pitty a patient of good sence that falls into their hands ? he is obliged at once to combat the arguments of the doctor , the disease it self , the remedies , and emptiness . one of my friends , whom all this together had thrown into a dilyrium , had a vision in his fever which sav'd him his life . he fancied he saw a feaver under the shape of a burning monster , that press'd hard upon a sick man , and every minute got ground of him , till a man who look'd like a guide , came and took him by the wrist to help him over a river of blood. the poor patient had not strength enough to cross the stream and so was drown'd . the guide used means to get himself paid for his pains , and immediately run after another sick man , who was carried down a stream of carduus posset-drink , barly-broth , and water-gruel . my friend advised by this vision , discarded his doctor , and 't was this that did his business ; for when he was by himself , there was no body to hinder him from recovering . the absence of physicians , is a soveraign remedy to him that has not recourse to a quack . these gentlemen of the faculty , are pensioners to death , and travel day and night to enlarge that monarch's empire ; for you must know , notwithstanding distemper'd humours make a man sick , 't is the physician that has the honour of killing him , and expects to be well paid for the job , by his relations that lay in wait for his life to share his fortune : so that when a man is ask'd how such a one died , he is not presently to answer according to corrupt custome , that he died of a feaver or pleurisy ; but that he died of the doctor . see a consult of them marching in state to a patient , attended by a diminitive apothecary , that 's just arse high , and fit to give a clyster . how majesterially they look , and talk of the patient's recovery , when they themselves are but death in a disguise , and bring the patient's hour along with them . while the patient breaths and money comes , they are still prescribing ; but when they have sent the patient hence , like a rat with a straw in 's arse ; they 'll say his body was as rotten as a pear , and 't was impossible to save him . cruel people , that are not contented to take away a man's life , and like the hangman , be paid when they have done ; but must persecute him in the grave too ; and blast his honour , to excuse their ignorance . it were to be wish'd that every physician might be obliged to marry ; for its highly reasonable , that those men should beget children to the state , who every day rob the king of so many of his subjects . in this land of physick they have erected themselves a college , for the improvement of the mystery of man-slaughter ; which may be call'd their armory ; for here are their weapons and utensils forged , and a company of men attending to kill poor folks out of meer charity . in one part of their convent , is a chymical elabaratory , where some were calcining calves-brains , to supply those of the society that wanted . some fixing volatile wits , and others rarifying dull ones . some were playing tricks with mercury , promising themselves vast advantages from the process ; but after they had resolv'd the viscous matter , and brought the materia prima into the coppel , all went away in a fume , and the operator had his labour for his travel . in another place were apothecaries preparing medicines . the outsides of their pots were gilded , with the titles of preservatives , cordials , and panpharmacons ; but in the inside were poysons , or more nauseous preparations . however of all our late pretended aschimists , commend me to the apothecaries , as the noblest operators and chimists ; for out of toads , vipers , and a sir reverence it self , they will fetch ye gold ready minted , which is more than ever paracelsus himself pretended to . here were also chirurgeons in great numbers , talking hard words to their patients , as solution of continuity , dislocations , fractures , amputation , phlebotomy , and spoke greek words , without understanding the english of them . one of the gravest among them , propounded this question to the rest . suppose a man falls from the main-yard , and lies all bruised upon the deck ; pray what is the first intention in that case ? a brisk fellow answers : you must give him irish slate quantum sufficit , and embrocate the parts affected secundum artem . at which i seeming to smile , another reprimands me , saying , what do you laugh at , sir , the man 's i' th right on 't . to whom i reply'd , with reverence to your age and understanding , sir , i think he 's in the wrong ; for if a man falls from the main-yard , the first intention is , to take him up again . among all these people every thing is made a mystery , to detain their patients in ignorance , and keep up the market of physick ; but were not the very terms of art , and names of their medicines sufficient to fright away any distempers , 't is to be feared their remedies would prove worse than the disease . that nothing might be wanting in this famous college , there were others that like porters and plaisterers stood ready to be hired , as corn-cutters , and tooth-drawers . the one of which will make you halt before the best friend you have ; and if you do but yawn , the other knaves will be examining your grinders ; depopulate your mouths , and make you old before your time , and take as much for drawing out an old tooth , as would buy a sett of new ones . an ill accident happened while we were viewing the curiosities of this college . a boy had swallowed a knife , and the members of the college being sitting , he was brought among them , if it were possible to be cured . the chirurgeons claim'd the patient as belonging to their fraternity , and one of them would have been poking a cranes bill down his throat to pluck it up again , but the doctors would not suffer him . after a long consultation , one of the two remedies was agreed on , viz. that the patient should swallow as much aqua fortis , as would dissolve the knife into minute particles , and bring it away by seige ; but the other remedy was more philosophical , and therefore better approv'd , and that was to apply a loadstone to his arse , and so draw it out by a magnetick attraction ; but which of the two was put in practice i know not , for i did not stay to see the noble experiment , tho' my particular friend dr. w — d was the first that proposed that remedy , and he is no quack i assure you . not but that there are some quacks as honest fellows as you would desire to piss upon . this foreigner here for instance , is a man of conscience , that will take you but half a crown a bottle for as good lambs-conduit water as ever was in the world. he pretends it has an occult quality that cures all distempers . he swears it , and swears like t. o. on the right side of the hedge , since this very individual water has cured him of poverty , which comprehends all diseases . 't is with physicians in london , as with almanacks , the newest are the most consulted ; but then their reign like that of an almanack , concludes with the year . when a sick man leaves all for nature to do , he hazards much . when he leaves all for the doctor to do , he hazards more : and since there is a hazard both ways , i would much sooner chuse to rely upon nature ; for this , at least , we may be sure of , that she acts as honestly as she can , and that she does not find her account in prolonging the disease . i pardon those that are brought to the extremity of their lives , to resign themselves to the doctors , as i pardon those that are at the extremity of their fortune to abandon themselves to poetry , or gaming , amusement x. gaming-houses . gaming is an estate to which all the world has a pretence , tho' few espouse it that are willing to keep either their estates , or reputations . i knew two middlesex sharpers not long ago , which inherited a west-country gentlemen's estate ; who , i believe , wou'd have never made them his heirs in his last will and testament . lantrillou is a kind of a republick very ill ordered , where all the world are hail fellow well met ; no distinction of ranks , no subordination observed . the greatest scoundrel of the town with money in his pockets , shall take his turn before the best duke or peer in the land , if the cards are on his side . from these priviledg'd-places , not only all respect and inferiority is banish'd ; but every thing that looks like good manners , compassion , or humanity : their hearts are so hard and obdurate , that what occasions the grief of one man , gives joy and satisfaction to his next neighbour . the gracians met together in former times , to see their gladiators shew their valour ; that is , to slash and kill one another ; and this they called sport ? what a cursed barbarity was this ? but are we a jot inferiour to them in this respect , who christen all the disorders of lansquenet by the name of gaming , or to use the gamesters own expression , where a parcel of sharks meet , to bite one anothers heads off . it happened one day , that my traveller dropt into a chocolate-house in covent-garden , where they were at this noble recreation . he was wonderfully surprized at the odness of the sight . set your self now in the room of a superstitious indian , who knows nothing of our customs at play , and you will agree that his notions , as abstracted and visionary as they may seem , have some foundations in truth . i present you here with his own expressions as i found them set down in a letter which he sent into his own country . the fragments of an indian letter . the english pretend that they they worship but one god , but for my part , i don't believe what they say : for besides several living divinities , to which we may see them daily offer their vows , they have several other inanimate ones to whom they pay sacrifices , as i have observed at one of their publick meetings , where i happened once to be . in this place there is a great altar to be seen , built round and covered with a green whachum , lighted in the midst , and encompassed by several persons in a sitting posture , as we do at our domestick sacrifices . at the very moment i came into the room , one of those , who i supposed was the priest , spread upon the altar certain leaves which he took out of a little book that he held in his hand . upon these leaves were represented certain figures very awkardly painted ; however they must needs be the images of some divinities ; for in proportion as they were distributed round , each one of the assistants made an offering to it , greater or less , according to his devotion . i observed that these offering were more considerable than those they make in their other temples . after the aforesaid ceremony is over , the priest lays his hand in a trembling manner , as it were , upon the rest of the book , and continues some time in this posture seized with fear , and without any action at all : all the rest of the company , attentive to what he does , are in suspence all the while , and unmovable , like himself . at last every leaf which he returns to them , these unmovable assistants are all of them in their turn possest by different agitations , according to the spirit which happens to seize them : one joyns his hands together , and blesses heaven , another very earnestly looking upon his image , grinds his teeth ; a third bites his fingers and stamps upon the ground with his feet . every one of them , in short , make such extraordinary postures and contortions , that they seem to be no longer rational creatures . but scarce has the priest returned a certain leaf , but he is likewise seised by the same fury with the rest . he tears the book , and devours it in his rage , throws down the altar , and curses the sacrifice . nothing now is to be heard but complaints and groans , cries and imprecations . seeing them so transported , and so furious , i judge that the god they worship is a jealous deity , who to punish them for what they sacrifice to others , sends to each of them an evil demon to possess him . i have thus shewed you what judgment an indian would be apt to pass upon the transports he finds in our gamesters . what wou'd he not have thought then , if he had seen any of our gaming ladies there . 't is certain that love it self as extravagant as it is , never occasion'd so many disorders among the women , as the unaccountable madness of gaming . how come they to abandon themselves thus to a passion that discomposes their minds , their healths , their beauty , that ruines — what was i going to say ? but this picture does not shew them to advantage , let us draw a curtain over it . in some places they call gaming-houses academies ; but i know not why they should inherit that honourable name , since there 's nothing to be learn'd there , unless it be slight of hand , which is sometimes at the expence of all our money , to get that of other mens by fraud and cunning . the persons that meet are generally men of an infamous character , and are in various shapes , habits , and employments . sometimes they are squires of the pad and now and then borrow a little money upon the king's high-way , to recruit their losses at the gaming-house , and when a hue and cry is out , to apprehend them , they are as safe in one of these houses , as a thief in a mill , and practise the old trade of cross-biting cullies , assisting the frail square dye with high and low fullums , and other napping tricks , in comparison of whom the common bulkers , and pick-pockets , are a very honest society . how unaccountable is this way to beggary , that when a man has but a little money , and knows not where in the world to compass any more , unless by hazarding his neck for 't , will try an experiment to leave himself none at all : or , he that has money of his own , should play the fool , and try whether it shall not be another man's . was ever any thing so nonsensically pleasant ? one idle day i ventur'd into one of these gaming-houses , where i found an oglio of rakes of several humours , and conditions met together . some that had lost were swearing , and damning themselves , and the devil's bones , that had left them never a penny to bless their heads with . one that had play'd away even his shirt and cravat , and all his clothes but his breeches , stood shivering in a corner of the room , and another comforting him , and saying , damme jack , who ever thought to see thee in a state of innocency : cheer up , nakedness is the best receipt in the world against a fevor , and then fell a ranting , as if hell had broke loose that very moment . what the devil have we here to do , says my indian , do's it rain oaths and curses in this country ? i see gamesters are shipwrackt before they come to understand their danger , and loose their clothes before they have paid their taylors . they should go to school in my country to learn sobriety and vertue . i told him , instead of academies , these places should be call'd cheating-houses : whereupon a bully of the blade came strutting up to my very nose , in such a fury , that i would willingly have given half the teeth in my head for a composition , crying out , split my wind-pipe , sir , you are a fool , and don 't understand trap , the whole world 's a cheat. the play-house cheats you of your time , and the tradesmen of your money , without giving you either sense or reason for 't . the attorney picks your pocket , and gives you law for 't ; the whore picks your purse , and gives you the pox for 't it ; and the poet picks your pocket , and gives you nothing for it . lovers couzen you with their eyes , orators with their tongues , the valiant with their arms , fidlers with their fingers , surgeons with wooden legs , and courtiers and songsters , empty your pockets , and give you breath and air for it : and why should not we recruit by the same methods that have ruin'd us . our friends , continued he , gives us good advice , and would fain draw us off from the course we are in , but all to no purpose : we ask them what they would have us do ? money we have none , and without it there is no living : should we stay till it were brought , or come alone ? how would you have a poor individuum vagum live ? that has neither estate , office , master , nor friend to maintain him : and is quite out of his element , unless he be either in a tavern , a bawdy-house , or a gaming ordinary . no , we are the men , says he , that providence has appointed to live by our wits , and will not want while there is money above ground . happy man catch a mackeril . let the worst come to 'th worst , a wry mouth on the tripple tree , puts an end to all discourse about us . from the gaming-house we took our walk through the streets , and the first amusements we encountred , were the variety and contradictory language of the signes , enough to perswade a man there were no rules of concord among the citizens . here we saw ioseph's dream , the bull and mouth , the hen and razor , the ax and bottle , the whale and crow , the shovel and boot , the leg and star , the bible and swan , the frying-pan and drum , the lute and tun , the hog in armour , and a thousand others that the wise men that put them there can give no reason for . here walk'd a fellow with a long white rod on his shoulder , that 's asham'd to cry his trade , though he gets his living by it ; another bawling out todd's four volumes in print , which a man in reading of , wou'd wonder that so much venom should not tear him to pieces , but that some of the ancient moralists have observed , that the rankest poyson may be kept in an asses hoof , or a fool 's bosom . some say , the first word he spoke was rascal , and that if he lives to have chldren , they will all speak the same dialect , and have a natural antipathy to eggs , because their father was palted with hundreds of them , when he was dignified on the pillory . other amusements presented themselves as thick as hops , as moses pictur'd with horns on his head , to keep cheapside in countenance . bishop overal's convocation book carved over the dean of st. p — l's stall in that cathedral . here sate a fellow selling little balls to take the stains out of the citizens wives petticoats , that should have been as big as foot-balls , if applied to that purpose . under that bulk was a prejector clicking off his swimming girdles , to keep up merchants credits from sinking . a pretty engine to preserve bankers and ensurers from breaking , and prevent publishing it in the gazette , when they are broke ; that they will pay all their debts as far as it may stand with their convenience . in that shop was an indebted lord talking of his honour , and a tradesman of his honesty , things that every man has , and every thing is , in some disguise or other , but duly consider'd , there are scarce any such things in the world , unless among pawn-brokers , stock-jobbers , and horse-coursers ; so that the lord and tradesman were discoursing about nothing ; and signified no more , than the parson 's preaching against covetousness to the maim'd , blind , and superannuated soldiers in chelsey-college , nor dr. salmon's prescribing cow heels to a married couple , as a conglutinating aliment . but there the weaver had the afcendant of the doctor . as we pass'd along , i could not forbear looking into some of the shops , to see how the owners imployed themselves in the absence of customers , and in a barber's shop i saw a beau so overladen with wig ▪ that there was no difference between his head , and the wooden one that stood in the window . the fop it seems , was newly come to his estate , though not to the years of discretion , and was singing the song . happy is the child whose father is gone to the devil , and the barber all the while keeping time on his cittern ; for you know a cittern and a barber is as natural as milk to a calf , or the beares to be attended by a bag-piper . in the scrivener's shop i saw a company of sparks that were selling their wives and their portions , and purchasing annuities ; and old ten-in-the-hundred-fathers , damning themselves to raise their posterities . in the tobacconist's shops men were sneezing and spawling , as if they were all clapt , and under a salivation for the cure on 't . they that smoak'd it , were persecuting others to follow their example , and they that snuff'd it up in powder , were drawing upon themselves the incommodies of all age , in the perpetual annoyance of rheum and drivel . pursuing my voyage through the city , and casting a leere into the shops of the rich drapers , mercers , and lacemen , i saw them haunted by many people in want , especially young heirs newly at age , and spendthrifts , that came to borrow money of them . alas , said the traders , times are dead , and little money stirring . all we can do , is to furnish you with what the shop affords ; and if a hundred pound or two in commodities will do you any good , they are at your service . these the gallants take up at an excessive rate , to sell immediately for what they can get ▪ and the trader has his friend to take them off underhand at a third part of the value , by way of helping men in distress . these are they that inveagle unthinking animals , into all sorts of extravagant expences , and ruin them insensibly under colour of kindness and credit : for they set every thing at double the value ; and if you keep not touch at your day , your persons are imprisoned , your goods seized , and your estates extended . and they that help'd to make you princes before , are now the forwardest to put you into the condition of beggars . among other amusements , let us speak a word or two of lombard-street , where luxury seems to carry us to peru , where you behold their magazines , ingots of gold and silver as big as pigs of lead ; and your ladies after they have travell'd thither with some liberal interloper , carry home with them more than their husbands are worth , and drag at their long tails the whole substance of a herd of creditors . here are jewels and pearls , rubies and diamonds , broad pieces , guineas , lewis d'or's , crown pieces , and dollars without number : nay , in some of their shops is nothing to be seen , or sold , but great heaps of money ; that would tempt a man to think , the whole indies were emptied into one single shop 't is so full of gold and silver ; and yet it often happens , that he that is possest of all this vast treasure , is not worth a brass farthing . to day his counters bend under the weight of cash , and to morrow the shop is shut up , and you hear no more of our goldsmith , till you find him in a gazette , torn to pieces by a statute of bankrupt : and he and his creditors made a prey by a parcel of devouring vermin , call'd commissioners . the neighbouring country is stocks-market , where you see a large garden , paved with pibble stones in all the beds and allies ; indifferently open to all comers and goers , and yet bears as good herbs , fruits , and flowers , as any in the world. here is winter dress'd in the livery of summer . every day a crop is gather'd , and every night are stockt up in baskets , till the next days sun does open them . about this garden great numbers of nymphs reside , who each of them live in their respective tubs : they have not only that in common with diogenes , but like that philosopher also , they speak out freely to the first comer whatever comes uppermost . a further description i would give you of their parts , and persons , but that i cannot endure the smell of the serjeants at the counter-gate , who stink worse than old ling , or assa faetida , and would poyson the country , if this pleasant garden was not an antidote against their infection . and therefore i 'll go back again into the country of coffee-houses . where being arriv'd i am in a wood , there are so many of them i know not which to enter . stay , let me see ! where the sign is painted with a woman's hand in 't , 't is a bawdy-house . where a man 's , it has another qualification ; but where it has a star in the sign , 't is calculated for every leud purpose . every coffee-house is illuminated both without and within doors ; without by a fine glass-lanthorn , and within by a woman so light and splendid , you may see through her without the help of a perspective . at the bar the good man always places a charming phillis or two , who invite you by their amorous glances into their smoaky territories , to the loss of your sight . this is the place where several knights errant come to seat themselves at the same table , without knowing one another , and yet talk as familiarly together , as if they had been of many years acquaintance . they have scarce look'd about them , when a certain liquor as black as soot , is handed to them , which being foppishly fumed into their noses , eyes , and ears , has the vertue to make them talk and prattle together of every thing but what they should do . now they tell their several adventures by sea , and land. how they conquer'd the geand , were overcome by the lady , and bought a pair of wax'd boots at northampton , to go a wooing in . one was commending his wife , another his horse , and the third said he had the best smoak'd beef in christendom . some were discoursing of all sorts of government , monarchical , aristocratical , and democratical . some about the choice of mayors , sheriffs , and aldermen , and others of the transcendent vertues of vinegar , pepper , and mustard . in short , i thought the whole room was a perfect resemblance of dover-court , where all speak , but no body heard nor answer'd . to the charms of coffee , the wiser sort joyn'd spirit of clary , usquebaugh , and brandy , which compleatly enchants the knights : by the force of these soporiferous enchantments , you shall find one snoaring heartily on a bench , another makes love to beautiful phillis at the bar ; and the third as valiant as orlando furioso , goes to signalize his valour in scouring the streets . i should never have done , if i should attempt to run through all the several countries within the walls of london ; as the long robe , the sword , the treasury . every state , in brief , is like a separate country by its self , and has its particular manners and gibberish . here you may view the fruitful country of trade , that has turn'd leather breeches into gold chains , blue aprons into fur gowns , a kitchinstuff tub into a gilded chariot , a dray-man into a knight , and noblemen's palaces into shops and ware-houses . here is also the barren country of the philosopher's-stone , inhabited by none but cheats in the operation , beggars in the conclusion , and now is become almost desolate , till another age of fools and knaves do people it . to this may be added the cold country of the news-mongors , that report more than they hear , affirm more than they know , and swear more than they believe , that rob one another , and lye in sheets for want of a coverlid . the hot country of the disputers , that quarrel and raise a dust about nothing . the level country of bad poets , and presbyterian parsens : one of which is maintain'd by a good stock of confidence , and by the other flattery and canting . the desert uninhabited country of vertuous women . the conquer'd country of coquets , and an infinite number of others ; not to reckon the lost country inhabited by strowlers , who aim at nothing but to lead others out of their way . they are of easie access , but 't is dangerous to traffick with them . some of them have the art to please without management , and to love without loving . but how have i forgot my own dear country , that is consecrated to bacchus ; that abounds with nectar , the wonder working liquor of the world ; that makes a poet a prince in 's own conceit ; a coward valiant , and a beggar as rich as an alderman . here i live at ease , and in plenty , swagger and carouze , quarrel with the master , fight the drawer , and never trouble my self about paying the reckoning , for one fool or other pays it for me . a poet that has wit in his head , never carries money in his breeches , for fear of creating a new amusement . in leicester-fields , i saw a mounte-bank on the stage , with a congregation of fools about him , who like a master in the faculty of lying , gave them a history of his cures , beyond all the plays and farces in the world. he told them of fifteen persons that were run clear through the body , and glad for a matter of three days together , to carry their puddings in their hands ; but in four and twenty hours he made 'em as whole as fishes , and not so much as a scar for a remembrance of the orifice . if a man had been so bold as to ask him when , and where ? his answer would have been ready without studying ; that it was some twelve hundred leagues off in terra incognito , by the token , that at the same time he was physician in ordinary to a great prince , that dy'd about five and twenty years ago , and yet the quack was not forty . all these subjects , though very amusing , were not equally edifying , and therefore in my voyage towards the city , i call'd in at a quaker's meeting , where a fellow was talking nonsence as confidently , as if he had had a patent for it , and confirm'd the popish maxim , that ignorance is the mother of devotion . the women were the oddest creatures in the world , neither flesh nor fish ; but like frogs , only their lower parts were man's meat . from thence i sailed into a presbyterian meeting near covent-garden , where the vociferous holder-forth was as bold and saucy , as if the deity and all mankind had owed him money . he was shewing the way to be rich when taxes rise , and trading falls , and descanting upon all humours and manners . he ( says the tubster ) that would be rich according to the practice of this wicked age , must play the thief or the cheat ; he that would rise in the world , must turn parasite , or projector . he that marries , ventures for the horn , either before , or afterwards . there is no valour without swearing , quarrelling , or hectoring . if you are poor , no body owns you . if rich , you 'll know no body . if you dye young , what pity 't was they 'l say , that he should be cut off in his prime . if old , he was e'en past his best ; there 's no great miss of him . if you are religious , and frequent meetings , the world will say you are a hypocrite : and if you go to church , and don 't make a liberal contribution to us , we say you are a papist . to which i make bold to add , if you are gay and pleasant , you pass for a buffoon ; and if pensive and reserv'd , you are taken to be sour and censorious . courtesy is call'd colloguing and currying of favour : downright honesty and plain-dealing , is interpreted to be pride and ill manners : and so i took my leave of dr. — and peep'd into a fine church in my way to fleet-street , where a huge double belly'd doctor , was so full of his doubtlesses , that he left no room for one grain of scepticism , and made me so perfect a dogmatist , that i made these innocent reflections . the doctor is very fat , doubtless he is rich. he looks very grum and surly , doubtless he is not the best humour'd man in the world ; but i soon gave over these remarks ; for being a stranger to his worship , doubtless i might have been sometimes in the right , and doubtless i should sometimes have been in the wrong ; and therefore i removed my corps to another church in my road to london . here a very genteel reader , to shew himself frenchify'd , instead of reading porage , after our old honest english custom , gave it an a la mode turn , and pronounc'd it pottaugsh ; whereas to have been more modish in his tongue , as well as his othr parts , he might have called it a dish of soop . before sermon began , the clark in a slit stick ( contrived for that purpose at a serious consult by the famous architects and engineers , sir c. w , and col. pickpeper ) handed up to the pulpit a number of prayer-bills , containg the humble petitions of divers devoto's , for a supply of what they wanted , and the removal of their afflictions . one was a bill from a courtier , that having a good post , desired he might keep it for his life , without being call'd to an account for neglect , or mismanagement ; and that he might continue without controul , god's servant in ordinary , and the king 's special favourite . a young virgin , apprehensive of her wants , and weaknesses , being about to enter into the holy state of matrimony , prayed for proportionable gifts and graces , to enable her for such an under-taking . some pray'd for good matches for their daughters , and good offices for their sons ; others beg'd children for themselves : and sure the husband that allows his wife to ask children abroad , will be so civil as to take them home when they are given him . now came abundance of bills from such as were going voyages to sea , and others that were taking long journeys by land ; both praying for the gift of chastity for their wives , and fidelity for their prentices , till they should return again . then the bills of complaint coming in thick and threefold , humbly shewing that many citizens wives , had hard hearts , undutiful husbands , and disobedient children , which they heartily pray'd to be quit of ; i discharg'd my ears from their attendance on so melancholy a subject , and employed my eyes on the variety of diverting faces in the gallery . where you might see in one pew , a covey of handsome , bucksome , bona roba's , with high-heads , and all the mundus muliebris of ornament and dress about them , as merry as hawks in a mew , as airy as their fans , and as light as a beaux head , or his feather . in another pew was a nest of such hard-favour'd she 's , that you would have blest your self . some with their faces so pounced and speckled , as if they had been scarified , and newly pass'd the cupping-glass ; with a world of little plasters , large , round , square , and briefly cut out into such variety , that it would have posed a good mathematician to have found out another figure . they employ'd themselves while the bills were reading , about — hush , hush . the wou'd be bishop is beginning , and 't is a sign of a clown , as well as an atheist , ludere cum sanct is ; for tho' i expose the foppery of persons , i have a great veneration for holy offices . our doctor , i grant it , has some of the qualifications of an all-souls candidate , bene vestiti & mediocriter docti ; and in good earnest fills a pulpit very well ; but that he so often hauls in his common-place book by neck and shoulders , that he cloys his auditors with that unpalatable ragoust , called in latin cramben biscoctum , and in plain english , twice-boil'd cabbage ; for having in every harangue , let the subject be what it will , marshal'd his discourse by the help of the warlike josephus , and by the assistance of the learned grotius , and pious dr. hammond our own countryman , puzzled aquinas , confuted bellarmin , and baffled origen , pass we on ( says he ) to the next thing as considerable . the clark is such an affected c. c. c — , that he sings out of tune , says out of order , and does nothing as he should do : for instead of saying , amen , he screams out a main , which had like to put me into a confounded fit of laughter ; for a spark who had been over-night at or , falling asleep in the church , and being waked by the noise of a main , he starts up , and cries out aloud , i 'll set you half a crown crowding to get out to breath my spleen at this adventure , i put the bilk upon a pick-pocket ; who measuring my estate by the length and bulkiness of my new wig , which ( god knows ) is not paid for , he made a dive into my pocket , but encountring a disappointment , rub'd off , cursing the vacuum ; and i as heartily laughing at his folly , that could think a poet ever went to church , when he had money to go to a tavern . poets are better principled than to hoard up trash ; and could they as well secure themselves from the flesh and the devil , as they do from the world , there would not be a hairs breadth 'twixt them and heaven . now i cross'd the way to a booksellers , in hopes to get a dinner and a bottle ; but the stingy curr pop't me off with a dish of coffee , and the old talk that trading was dead , that they suffer'd for other mens works as well as their own ; and in short , finding not a penny to be screw'd out of the prig , i pursued my voyage to the city ; but it happening to rain , to shelter my self from it , i run my face into a heralds office. here was a confounded noise of descents , pedigrees , genealogies , coat armour , bearings , additions , abatements , and a deal of that insignificant jargon . while i was listening to this gibberish , in comes a fellow with a role of parchment in his hand , to be made a gentleman , and to have a coat of arms finely painted to hang up in his dining-room till his wife died , and then to be transported on the outside and front of the house , to invite a rich widdow to marty him . my father , says he , has bore arms for his majesty , in many honourable occasions of watching and warding ; and has made many a tall fellow speak to the constable at all hours of the night . my uncle was the first man that ever was of the honourable order of the black-guard : and we have had five brave commanders of our family , by my father's side , that have served the state in the quality of marshal's men , and thief takers , and gave his majesty a fair account of all the prisoners that were taken by them : and by my mothers side , it will not be denied , but that i am honourably descended ; for my grandmother was never without a dozen chamber-maids and nurses in family . her husband wore a sword by his place , for he was deputy-marshal ; and to prove my self a man of honour , i have here a testimonial in my hand , in black and white ; and in my pocket brave yellow-boys , to pay for a coat of arms : which being produced and finger'd by the herald , he immediately assign'd him a coat , viz. a gibbet erect , with a wing volant . a ladder ascendant . a rope pendant , and a marshal's man swinging at the end on 't . i am sandalized , says my indian , at your custome in london , in making every saucy iack , a gentleman . and why are you not as well offended , reply'd i to my indian , to hear almost every gentleman call one another iack , and tom , and harry they first dropt the distinction , proper to men of quality , and scoundrels took it up and bestowed it upon themselves ; and hence it is , that a gentleman is sunk into plain iack , and iack is rais'd into gentleman . in days of yore , a man of honour was more distinguishable by his generosity and affability , than by his lac'd liveries ; but too many of them having degenerated into the vices of the vulgar fry , honour is grown contemptible , the respect that is due to their births , is lost in a savage management , and is now assumed by every scoundrel . the cobler is affronted , if you don't call him mr. translator . the groom names himself gentleman of the horse , and the fellow that carries guts to the bears , writes himself one of his majesty's officers . the page calls himself a child of honour , and the foot-boy stiles himself my ladies page . every little nasty whore takes upon her the title of lady , and every impudent broken-mouth'd manteau-maker , must be call'd madam theodosia br — . every dunce of a quack , is call'd a physician . every gown-man , a counseller . every silly huff , a captain . every gay thing , a chevalier . every parish reader , a doctor : and every writing clerk in the office , mr. secretary : which is all but hypocrisie and knavery in disguise ; for nothing is now called by its right name . the heralds i see have but little to do , honour and arms which used to employ all men of birth and parts , is now almost dwindled into an airy nothing : let us then go and see how the world wags in the city circle . amusement xi . the city visiting-day . i have given my traveller walking enough from country to country , let us save him the trouble now of beating the hoof , and shew him the rest of the world as he sits in his chair . to be acquainted with all the different characters of it , it will be sufficient for him to frequent certain numerous assemblies , a sort of city circle , they are set up in imitation of the circle at court. the circle in foreign courts is a grave assembly , but ill seated upon low stools set in a round . here all women talk , and none of them listen . here they make a pother about nothing . here they decide all things , and their most diversified conversations ons are a sort of roundeaus that end either in artificial slanders , or gross flattery , but this being in no wise applicable to the english court , i shall wave a further description of it , and come to the city circle . which is a familiar assembly , or a general council of the fair and charming-sex , where all the important affairs of their neighbors are largely discuss'd , but judged in an arbitrary manner , without hearing the parties speak for themselves . nothing comes amiss to these tribunals . matters of high , and no consequence , as religion , and cuckoldom , commodes and sermons , polliticks and gallantry , receipts of cookery and scandal , coquettry and preserving , jilting and laundry ; in short every thing is subject to the jurisdiction of this court , and no appeal lies from it . a venerable old gentlewoman , call'd madam whimsey , whose relations are dispersed into all corners of the earth , is president of this board . she is lineally descended from the maggots of the south , an illustrious and ancient family , that were a branch of the wag-tails of the east , who boast themselves descended in a right line from madam eve. here are to be found as many different opinions as there are heads in the room . the same judge is sometimes severe , and sometimes indulgent , sometimes grave and sometimes trifling , and they talk exactly there , as i do in my amusements . they pass in a moment from the most serious , to the most comical strain ; from the greatest things to the smallest ; from a duke , to a chimney-sweeper ; from a council of war to a christning , and sometimes a sudden reflexion upon a womans head-dress , hinders the decision of a case of conscience under examination . in this country twenty several sentences are pronounced all at once . the men vote when they can , the women as often as they please . they have two votes for one . the great liberty that is allowed in the city circle , invites all sorts of persons to come thither to see and to be seen . every one talks according to his designs , his inclination , and his genius . the young folks talk of what they are now a doing ; the old fellows talk of what they have done in the days of queen dick ; and your sots and coxcombs of what they have a design to do , tho' they never go about it . the ambitious rail at the sluggards as a company of idle fellows that take up a room in the world , and do nothing ? the sluggards return back the compliment to the ambitious , that they trouble all the world with their plots to advance themselves and ruine others . the tradesman curses war from the bottom of his heart , as that which spoils commerce , depopulates countries , and destroys mankind ; and the soldier wishes those that had a hand in making the peace , were at the devil . the vertuoso despises the rich for making such a bustle about so foolish and pale-faced a mettal as gold. the rich laugh at learning , and learned men , and cry , a fig for aristotle and des cartes . your men of gravity and wisdom forsooth , rail at love as the most foolish and impertinent trifling thing in the world ; and the lover fattens himself with his own fancies , and laughs at wisdom as a sower and severe thing that is not worth the pursuit . those that are unmarried fall foul upon the jealous-pated husbands , as men that create their own troubles . and those that are married justify their own prudent conduct in endeavouring to prevent their own dishonour . a young forward puppy full of vigour and health , seem'd to intimate by his discourse , that he thought himself immortal . well , says he , i have drank my gallon of claret every night this seven years , and yet the devil of a feaver or any other disease dares attack me , tho' i always keep two or three sins going at once . before george i think our family 's made of iron . there 's that old prig my father ( a plague on him ) turn'd of seventy , and yet he 's as sound as a roach still . he 'll ride you forty mile out-right at a fox-chase . small-beer be my portion here and hereafter , if i believe he 'll ever have the good manners to troop off . a grave old gentleman offended at this rude and frothy discourse gave his whiskers a twirl , and thus repremanded our saucy whipper-snapper . know boy , cries he to him in an angry tone : know , sirrah , that every age stands upon the same level as to the duration of life . a man of fourscore is young enough to live , and an infant but of four days birth , is old enough to die. i apprehend your meaning , old gentleman , says our young prig to him , well enough . you are young enough to live to day , and old enough to die to morrow . those whom you have hitherto heard , talk'd only to let the company see what they were : the rest both in their conversation and manners , appear'd directly contrary to what they were . you admire the gay noisy impertinence of that country wit yonder , that tells of many pleasant stories , and sets all the company a laughing . don't be mistaken in him , he 's the dullest rogue alive , if you strip him of what he has plunder'd from others . all his jests and repartees he purloin'd from his fathers chaplain ; they are the effect of his memory , and not of his invention . that other spark there sets up for a wit , and has some sence to 't . pray mind that worshipful lump of clay , that inanimate figure that lolls in the elbow-chair ; he takes no manner of notice of what is said in the company . by his plodding starch'd solemn looks , you would conclude that business of importance , and affairs of state , took up all his thoughts , and that his head was brim full of dispatches , negotiations , decrees , orders of council , and the lord knows what . i 'll tell you what ; he 's the emptiest , dullest , shallowest monster , within the bills of mortality . he 's equally incapable of business and pleasure : he 'll take you a nap over a game at cards , and yawn and stretch at the most diverting comedy : nay , under the pulpit when the parson has preach'd all the dogs out o' th' church . he dreams as he walks , and the sot when he 's a sleep , differs from the sot when waking , as a nine-pin when it is up , differs from a nine-pin when it s down . he has a considerable post in the government , and a pretty wife , and minds them both alike ? 't is pity he has not a deputy to officiate for him . that young creature there by the window , at the bare mention of the word love , starts , and trembles , as if a demi-culvirin were shot off at her ear. her vertuous mother has told her such terrible stories about it , that the poor fool believes she hates it . and do you think , sir , she 'll hate it to the end of the chapter ? that 's not so certain , i dare not engage for it . a woman that hates love before she knows what it is , is not in danger to hate it very long . perhaps i explain things after a freer manner than i ought , and unmask too many faces in my circle ; but if i were never so much inclined to spare them , and they themselves had address enough to conceal their own defects : i see a lady of great penetration coming into the room , who will decipher them more unmercifully than i can . now she has seated her self . observe what a modest air she has ? how critically she draws off her gloves ? how artfully she manages her fan ? and if she lift up her eyes , 't is only to see whether other women are as handsome and as modest as her self . she has so much vertue the world says , that she can't endure any that have a less share on 't than her self . what is harder still , those that have more vertue than she , do equally displease her . 't is for this reason she spares no body . i ask'd a lady of the same character t'other day , how it came to pass that her exhortations were half godliness , and half slander ? bless me , crys she , slander ! what mean you by the word ? 't is enough to give one the spleen , or an augue fit. the truth on 't is , i am sometimes obliged to accommodate my self to the taste of the world , to season my remonstrances with a little satyr , for the world expects we should make every thing agreeable , even connection it self . we must sometimes give a little slip from morality , to bring in a few strokes of satyr . speak more honestly , madam , says i to her , and confess that you bring in one stroke of morality , to countenance the making of a thousand scandalous reflexions . very well , replies the indian to me , i find the londoners are as comical in their garbs , as affected in their discourses . they would think themselves dishonour'd to appear in a suit they wore last year . according to the rule of fashions , this furious beau the next year must make but a scurvy figure ; but i pardon them for following the custom of their country . i put so ill a construction upon their curiosity , i will not hereafter judge of the hearts of women by the steps i see them make . as for that beau yonder , i have a great curiosity to know whither his inside answers his outside . not a word has drop'd from him as yet ; but surely the oracle will open anon. the ladies that encompass him , said i to my curious traveller , are as impatient to hear him talk , as you can be . therefore let us listen . they all compliment , and address their discourses to him . what answers does he make them ? sometimes yes , and sometimes no , and sometimes nothing at all . he speaks to one with his eyes , to another with his head , and laughs at a third with so mysterious an air , that 't is believed there is something extraordinary meant by it . all the company are of opinion that he has wit in abundance . his physiognomy talks , his air perswades , but all his eloquence lies in the fine outside he makes ; and as soon as the spark has shew'd himself , he has concluded his speech . 't is a thousand pitties that nature had not time enough to finish her workmanship ▪ had she bestowed never so little wit upon an outside so prepossessing us in his favour , the idlest tales from his mouth wou'd have pass'd for the most ingenious story in the world. but our ladies now begin to be weary of holding a longer discourse with their idol , all of 'em resolv'd , if they must speak , to speak with some body that would answer them again , and not with a statue . our beau retires into the next chamber , intent upon nothing but how to display his charms to the best advantage . he is at first view enamour'd with a pretty lady whom he saw in the room . he besieges her with his eyes , he ogles at her , he prims and plumes himself , and at last he boards her . this lady is very reserved , and tho' our gentleman appear very charming to her , yet she is not surprized at the first sight of him . 't is nothing but her curiosity which makes her hazard meeting him in the field . with this intention she listens to what our adventurer has to say to her . in short , this was the success of his affair with her . he found himself mightily at a loss how to cope with this lady . she had an inexhaustible source of wit , and would not be paid with gracious nods and smiles , but as we see there are a hundred witty women in the world , that are not displeas'd with a fair outside ; our confident spark flatter'd himself , that if he cou'd but once perswade the lady that he was in love with her , the garrison wou'd immediately surrender . to effect this he employ'd the finest turns of eloquence , and the most touching expressions of the mute language ; but this fair lady made as if she did not understand him . what should he now do to explain himself more clearly to her . he had a diamond-ring of a considerable value upon his finger , and found himself put to 't to contrive a piece of gallantry a la mode , to present it to her . thus playing with his hand , and holding it so that he might shew his diamond more advantageously to the eyes of the fair indifferent , he plays with it : she turns her head , first on one side , then on the other side . this unconcernedness mortified him extreamly ; yet still he kept on his shew , which is always the last refuge of a coxcomb . he is astonish'd to find a woman insensible to such a beau as himself , and to such a diamond as his was ; but this made no impression on the lady , who still continued inexorable and cruel . at the very moment he despair'd of his enterprize , this cruel , this insensible seiz'd him hastily by the hand , to look nearer at the diamond , from which she first turn'd her eyes : what a blessed turn of the scene was this to a dejected lover ! he reassumes his courage , and to make a declaration of his passion for once and all , he takes the ring from his finger , and after a thousand cringes and grimaces , presents her with it . the lady takes it in her hand , and holds it close to her eyes , to view it more carefully : he redoubles his hope and assurance , and thought he had a right to kiss that hand , that had received his diamond . the lady was so taken up in looking at it , that she was not at leisure to think of being angry at this freedom ; but on the contrary smiled , and without any more ceremony put the ring upon her finger . now it is that our lover thinks himself secure of victory , and transported with joy , proposes the hour and place of meeting . sir , says this lady coldly to him , i am charm'd with this diamond ; and the reason why i have accepted it without scruple , is because it belongs to me . yes , sir , this diamond is mine ; my husband took it from off my toilet some three months ago , and made me afterwards believe he had lost it . that cannot be , replys our fop , it was a marchioness that exchang'd it with me for something that shall be nameless . right , right , continues the woman , my husband was acquainted with this marchioness , he truck'd with her for my diamond , the marchioness truck'd with you for it , and i take it for nothing ; tho if i were of a revengeful nature , my husband very well deserves , that i should give the same price for it , as he received from the marchioness . at this unexpected blow , our fine thing stood confounded and astonish'd ; but i can now forgive his being mute upon so odd an occasion . a man of wit and sence could hardly avoid it . that great lord yonder , was bred and born a lord : his soul is full as noble as his blood , his thoughts as high as his extraction . i esteem , but don't admire his lordship ; but the man , who by his merits and vertues raises himself above his birth and education , i both esteem and admire . why then should you , whose virtues equal your fortune , conceal the meanness of your original , which raises the lustre of your merit ? and as for you that have no other merit to boast of , but that of advancing your fortune ; never be ashamed to own the meanness of your former life : we shall better esteem the merit of your elevation . look , yonder goes a man , says one , that takes upon him so much of the lord , that one would think he had never been any thing else . it often happens , that by our over-acting of matters , the world discovers we were not always the men we appear . while i made my reflections , my indian was likewise busie in making his . he did not so much wonder at the man in the embroidered coat , who did not know himself , as at the assembly , who likewise seem'd not to know him . he was treated with the respect due to a prince ; these are not civilities , but downright adorations . what cannot you be content , says our indian , cannot you be content to idolize riches that are useful to you ? must you likewise idolize the rich , who will never do you a farthings-worth of kindness ? i confess , continued he , that i cannot recover out of this astonishment . i see another man of a very good look come into the circle , and no body takes the least notice of him . he has seated himself and talks , and very much to the purpose too , and yet no one will vouchsafe him a hearing . i observe , the company files off from him by degrees , to another part of the room , and now he is lest alone by himself . wherefore say i to my self , do they shun him thus ? is his breath contagious , or has he a plague-sore running upon him ? at the same time i took notice , that these deserters had flock'd about the gay coxcomb in the laced suite , whom they worshipp'd like a little god. by this i came to understand , that the contagious distemper the other man was troubled with was his poverty . oh heavens ! says the indian , falling all on the sudden into an enthusiastick fit , like that wherein you saw him in his letter ; oh heavens ! remove me quickly out of a country , where they shut their ears to the wholsom advice , and sage instructions of a poor man , to lissen to the nonsensical chat of a sot in gawdy cloathes . they seem to refuse this philosopher a place among men , because his apparel is but indifferent , while they rank that wealthy coxcomb in the number of the gods. when i behold this abominable sight , i cou'd almost pardon those that grow haughty and insolent upon prosperity . this latter spark a little while ago was less than a man among you , at present you make a sort of a deity of him . if the head of their new idol should grow giddy , he may e'en thank those who incense him at this abominable rate . there are among us in my country , continues he , a sort of people who adore a certain bird , for the beauty and richness of its feathers . to justifie the folly wherein their eyes have engaged them , they are perswaded that this proud animal has a divine spirit that animates him . their error is infinitely more excusable than yours ; for in short , this creature is mute , but if he could talk , like your brute there in the rich embroidery , they would soon find him out to be a beast , and perhaps would forbear to adore him . this sudden transport , carry'd our well-meaning traveller a little too far . to oblige him to drop his discourse , i desir'd him to cast his eyes upon a certain gentleman in the circle , who deserved to have his veil taken off with which he covered himself , to procure the confidence of fools . examine well this serious extravagant . the fool 's bawble he makes such a pother with , is his probity , an amiable thing indeed , if his heart were affected by it ; but 't is only the notion of it that has fly-blown his head. because , forsooth , it has not yet appear'd in his story , that he is a notorious cheat and falsifier , upon the merit of this reputation , the insect thinks himself the most virtuous man in the world. he demands an implicite faith to all he says . you must not question any thing he is pleas'd to affirm , but must pay the same deference to his words , as to the sacred oracles of truth it self . if he thinks fit to assert that romulus and remus were grand children to iohn of gaunt , 't is a breach of good manners to enquire into their pedigrees . if any difference happens , he pretends his word is a decree , from which you cannot appeal without injustice . he takes it for a high affront , if you do but ask him to give you the common security . all the universe must understand that his verbal promise is worth a thousand pounds . he would fain have perswaded his wifes relations to have given him her in marriage upon his bare word , without making a settlement . he affects to be exactly nice to a tittle in all his expressions , and if you think it impossible to find a model of this impracticable exactness , he tells you that you may find it in him , all his words you ought to believe to a hairs breadth : nothing less , and nothing beyond it . if ever he gives you liberty to stretch a little , it must be in his commendation . let the conversation turn upon what subject it pleases , be it of war , or of religion , morality , or politicks , he will perpetually thrust his nose into it , though he is sure to be laughed at for his pains , and all to make a fine parade of his own good qualities and vertues . a certain lady for instance , after she had effectually proved that all gallantry , and sincerity , was extinct among the young fellows of this age , corrected her self pleasantly in this manner . i am in the wrong gentlemen , says she , i am in the wrong , i own it . there is such a thing as sincerity still among the men : they speak all that they think of us women . upon the bare mention of the word sincerity , our gentleman thought he had a fair opportunity to enlarge upon his own . every man , says he , has his particular faults my fault is to be too sincere . soon after this , the discourse fell upon other matters , as want of compassion and charity in the rich. what an excess of barbarity crys our man of honour , is this ? for my part , i always fall into the opposite extream . i melt at every thing , i am too good in my temper , but 't is a fault i shall never correct in my self . to make short , another who towards the conclusion of his story , happen'd accidentally to let the word avarice drop from him , found himself interrupted by our modest gentleman , who made no difficulty to own that liberality was his vice. ah sir , replied the man coldly , who was interrupted , you have three great vices , sincerity , goodness , and liberality . this excess of modesty in you , which makes you own these vices , give me to understand sir , that you are masters of all the contrary vertues . in my opinion now , this was plucking off the vizor of our sir formal . this was discharging a pistol at his breast : one would have thought it wou'd have went to the very heart of him . in the mean time he did not so much as feel the blow ; the callus of his vanity had made him invulnerable , he takes every thing you say to him in good part . call him in an ironical manner , the great heroe of probity , he takes you in the litteral sense . tell him in the plain language of t. o. that he 's a confounded rascal , oh sir , says he , your humble servant , you are disposed to be merry i find : thus he takes it for raillery . these raillers have a fine time on 't you see , to iest upon a man of so oily a temper . what a vexation is it to your gentlemen that speak sharp and witty things , to level them at so supple a slave . all the pleasure wou'd be to touch him to the quick , to confound his vanity . wit does but hazard it self by attacking him in the face , there 's nothing to be got by it : vanity is a wall of brass . but i find nothing will be lost . there sits a gentleman in the corner of a quite different temper , who takes every thing upon himself , that was meant to another . he blushes , he grows pale , he 's out of countenance ; at last quits the room , and as he goes out , threatens all the company with his eyes . what does the world think of this holding up the buckler , they put but a bad construction upon it , and say that his conscience is ulcerated , that you cannot touch any string , but it will answer to some painful place . touch a gall'd horse and he 'll wince . in a word , he 's wounded all over , because he 's all over sensible of pain . these are two characters that seem to be directly opposite ; however , it were easie to prove that these two are the same at bottom . what 's this bottom ? divine it if you can : one word wou'd not be sufficient to explain it clearly to you , and i am not at leisure to give you any more . i perceive a man coming into the room whom i am acquainted with , he will interrupt me without remorse . i had better be beforehand with him , and hold my tongue . silence gentlemen , silence , and see you shew due respect . you will immediately see one of those noble lords who believe that all is due to them , and that they owe nothing to any body . when my lord enter'd , every one put on a demure look , and he himself came in with a smiling look , like a true polititian . immediately he makes a thousand protestations of friendship to every one ; but at the same time that he promises you his service , he looks as pale as a scotchman , when he offers you his purse . he is scarce sate down in his chair , but he embroiles the conversation . he talks to four several persons about four several affairs at once : he puts a question to one man , without waiting for an answer of another : he proposes a doubt , treats it , and resolves it all by himself . he 's not weary of talking , though all the company be of hearing him . they steal off by degrees , and so the circle ended . the publick is a great spectacle always new , which presents it self to the eyes of private men , and amuses them . these private men are so many diversified spectacles , that offer themselves to the publick view , and divert it . i have already as it were in minature , shew'd some few of these small inconsiderable private spectacles . my fellow traveller not content with this , still demands of me , that i should speak a few words more of the publick . amusement xii . the pvblick . the publick is a prince of which all those hold , that aim at honour , reputation and profit . those sordid mean-spirited souls , that don't take any pains to merit its approbation , are at least afraid of its hatred , and contempt . the right we assume to our selves to judge of every thing , has produc'd abundance of vertues , and stifled abundance of crimes . the publick has a just , a solid , and penetrating discernment : in the mean time , as 't is wholly composed of men ; so there 's a great deal of the man very often in its judgments . it suffers it self to be prepossessed as well as a private person , and afterwards prepossesseth us by the ascendant it hath had over us for many ages . the publick is a true misanthrope , it is neither guilty of complaisance , nor flattery ; nor does it seek to be flatter'd . it runs in crowds to assembles , where it hears truths of it self , and each of the particulars that compose the whole body , love rather to see themselves ieer'd , than to deprive themselves of the pleasure of seeing others ieer'd . the publick is the nicest and most severe critick in the world ; yet a dull execrable ballad , is enough to amuse it for a whole year . it is both constant and inconstant . one may truly affirm , that since the creation , the publick genius has never changed . this shews its constancy ; but it is fond of novelties , it daily changes all its fashions of acting , its language and its modes . a weather-cock is not more inconstant . it is so grave it strikes a terror upon those that talk to it , and yet so trifling that a band , or a cravat put the wrong way , sets the whole auditory a laughing . the publick is served by the greatest noblemen : what grandeur is there ? and yet it depends upon those that serve it : how little it is ? the publick is , if i may allow my self the expression , always at man's estate , for the solidity of its judgment , and yet an infant , whom the errantest scoundrel of a iack-pudding , or a merry-andrew , shall lead from one end of the town to the other . 't is an old man , who shews his dotage by murmuring without knowing what he would have , and whose mouth we cannot stop , when he has once began to talk. i should never have done , were i minded to set down all the contrarieties that are to be found in the publick , since it possesses all the vertues , and all the vices , all the forces , and all the infirmities of mankind . let us reassume our gravity to consider the real grandeur of the publick . 't is out of it we see every thing proceeds , which is of any consideration in the world : governors to rule provinces , iudges to regulate them , warriers to fight , and heroes to conquer . after these governors , these judges , these warriers , and these heroes , have gloriously signaliz'd themselves in all parts , they all come to meet again at court ; where interpidity it self trembles , fierceness is softned ; gravity rectified , and power disappears . there those that are distinguish'd in other places , like so many sovereigns ; among the crowd of courtiers , become courtiers themselves ; and after they have drawn the eyes of so many thousands after them , think it their glory to be look'd upon by one from whom those illustrious stars derive their splendour , and are never so near their meridian , as when the monarch , that spring of glory , shines upon them , and communicates some beams of his magnificence to them . as his very looks raise the merit of the greatest actions , every one is jealous of him who endeavours to attract them to himself ; but for all that , they are so complaisant , that they don't neglect to caress the man of whom they are jealous . however , there are some elevated souls that have infinitely rais'd themselves about those court infirmities . real heroes and brave men indeed ! who are no more grieved at the glory of others , than to share the light of the sun in common with them . i own indeed , says my indian , in taking his leave of me , that england produces some of these perfect englishmen , whose reputations have reached our parts of the world ; but it was to see something greater than this , that i undertook this voyage ; and consider how i reason'd with my self as i pass'd the ocean . england abounds with illustrious men , and tho' there may be animosities among them ; yet they all unanimously now agree to reverence and respect the king alone : and must not he be an extraordinary man ? finis . physick lies a bleeding, or, the apothecary turned doctor a comedy, acted every day in most apothecaries shops in london : and more especially to be seen by those who are willing to be cheated, the first of april, every year : absolutely necessary for all persons that are sick, or may be sick / by tho. brown. brown, thomas, - . this text is an enriched version of the tcp digital transcription a of text r in the english short title catalog (wing b ). textual changes and metadata enrichments aim at making the text more computationally tractable, easier to read, and suitable for network-based collaborative curation by amateur and professional end users from many walks of life. the text has been tokenized and linguistically annotated with morphadorner. the annotation includes standard spellings that support the display of a text in a standardized format that preserves archaic forms ('loveth', 'seekest'). textual changes aim at restoring the text the author or stationer meant to publish.this text has not been fully proofread approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. earlyprint project evanston,il, notre dame, in, st. louis, mo a wing b estc r ocm

early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) physick lies a bleeding, or, the apothecary turned doctor a comedy, acted every day in most apothecaries shops in london : and more especially to be seen by those who are willing to be cheated, the first of april, every year : absolutely necessary for all persons that are sick, or may be sick / by tho. brown. brown, thomas, - . [ ], - p. printed for e. whitlock ..., london : . reproduction of original in the huntington library. eng shcnophysic lies a-bleeding, or the apothecary turned doctorbrowne, thomas . b the rate of . defects per , words puts this text in the b category of texts with fewer than defects per , words. - tcp assigned for keying and markup - aptara keyed and coded from proquest page images - olivia bottum sampled and proofread - olivia bottum text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion

physick lies a bleeding , or the apothecary turned doctor . a comedy , acted every day in most apothecaries shops in london .

and more especially to be seen , by those who are willing to be cheated , the first of april , every year .

absolutely necessary for all persons that are sick , or may be sick.

— vmbricius artibus , inquit , honestis nullus in urbe locus , nulla emolumenta laborum — vbi pharmacopola est . grammaticus , rhetor , geometres , pictor , aliptes , augur , schenobates , medicus , magus : — juv. sat. .

by tho. brown .

london , printed for e. whitlock , near stationers-hall ,

the names of the principal actors . iohn galen . dr. of physick , and fellow of the royal college of physicians london . tom gallypot . an apothecary by trade , but practises physick , as a doctor , near — garden . lancet pestle . an apothecary by profession , but boldly undertakes to be a physician , and surgeon also , to all his patients that want the assistance of either ; living in — market . retorto spatula d' vlceroso . an apothecary in — lane , but pretends to be a great doctor , surgeon , and chymist , valuing himself much upon his foreign birth , and education . iack comprehensive . an apothecary living in — street who professes himself only to be a doctor , surgeon , chymist , druggist , distiller , confectioner , and ( on occasion ) corn-cutter , &c. trueman . a gentleman of honest principles , endeavouring to shew each person their faults , and perswading them to act in their own sphere only . messengers , glyster-pipes , mortars , saws , forceps's , boxes , bolt-heads , crucibles , &c. and other attendants .

the scene apothecaries hall.

the epistle dedicatory , to that worthy and ingenious gentleman dr. j. b. doctor ,

i am heartily glad that a person of your learning and parts has taken up the cudgels against the whole college of physicians ; and notwithstanding your great modesty have set your face against so learned and ingenious a society . i must confess , i have a prety good stock of confidence my self , and perhaps dare attack any single person whatever , nay even mr. bays himself , but to attack such a body of men of learning and sense , i must yield is a task only fit for your management , who i dare boldly say can rail as bluntly as any oyster-wench at billingsgate . therefore as you have began to make 'um appear a parcel of sots , and perjured villains ( as your witty queries seem to import ) i beg the favour of you to go on without any consideration ( as you have done already ) and perhaps in time you may prove 'um all whores , and rogues , vagabonds , persons that had neither fathers , or mothers , and what not ? for if any can prove it , i believe it must be you , no body else daring to attempt to prove matters of so great consequence , because they want your learning and knowledg to go through with it . take only this caution , dear doctor , in the management of your affairs : let not the multitude of business distract your regular thoughts ( your head being a little out of order sometime ) lest you grow apt to forget what you have said of 'um before , and as you have in the lump call'd 'um a parcel of perjur'd villians , so don't publickly talk and say that the're about , or honest fellows amongst ' um . this w'ont do my friend ; to say they are all rogues , and some of that all are honest men , is a little illogical , neither doth it savour much of an university education , thô it may suit well enough perhaps with yours . the irish evidence that ignorantly swore a person of quality into the popish plot , thought he could make no juster retaliation to him than by swearing of him out again . now if you intend to follow the steps of this worthy evidence , and as you have stigmatized the fellows of the college with abundance of hard names , so to make 'um amends you will endeavour to give 'um as good characters as moral honesty and christianity obliges you to do ; i think you propose a fair method of reconciliation , and perhaps even against their own inclinations , out of meer compassion , and not respect to your merit , they may vouchsafe to admit you into their society . this advice , my friend , i think is very seasonable , and were i a member of the colledge i would endeavour all i could to procure your admittance upon your submission : but if you will still continue in an obstinate and perverse humour of railing , i think you will justly forfeit that good opinion which indifferent judges have of the hardship of your case ( if any such there were ) and be fit only to be bray'd in that necessary instrument of your former profession , a mortar . these are the real sentiments of ,

your loving friend t. b.

physick lies a bleeding , or the apothecary turn'd doctor , &c.

act i. scene i. enter dr. galen and trueman . trueman .

doctor , good morrow , what news do you hear about the plot ? who are taken up ? who are evidences ? are there any persons of quality concern'd in it , d' ye hear ?

dr. galen .

i mind no plots not i , but a plot to get good store of patients , if i can , but i think they never were so healthy .

tr.

so , what ? you seem to speak a little concern'd , and look as if something had vexed you , what 's the matter doctor ?

dr. matter ?

let me tell you , mr. trueman , i have been a physician in london almost forty years , and i never knew so little business to do in all my life-time . 't is a damnable healthy town grown since i knew it first . i have known the time when i could go out and pick up or l. in a morning , come home to dinner and empty'd , so out again after to replenish . but i am sure the times now are so hard that if my good father had not conveniently step'd aside , i could no more have brag'd of living by my wit , as some men do , than the d — s of n — can of her chastity .

tr.

pray doctor , not too severe . why damnable healthy ? do you wish the nation a plague , or an epidemick sickness , purely to promote your own private interest ? such expressions , methinks , become not men of your education , nor indeed savour much of religion .

dr.

what do you talk of that to a physician ? i thought you had known the world better than so . is not every body for their own interest , be religion what it will ? do's not the greatest pretenders to holiness cheat with yea , and nay , as oft ( if not oftner ) as he that says dam me it cost me so much , when he knows that he lies at the same time he swears ? and all this to promote a trade . all the excuse being , a man must live , customers always expect some abatement of what we ask . nay i have known an apothecary set down s. d. for a specifick bolus , when it has been about a farthing-worth of crabs-eyes in a little london-treacle .

tr.

ay , doctor , that may be . that 's s. for the word specifick , and d. for the bolus . pretty cheap on my word . but this is not to the purpose to explain what you mean by damnable healthy .

dr.

why , sir , are you always teazing me to explain my meaning ? then if you will have it , i 'll tell you . you know that every body wishes well to themselves ; now health is the greatest enemy to our interest and profit that can be .

tr.

but ye take care sometimes to subdue that enemy of yours , i believe .

dr.

good mr. trueman don't make reflections upon our profession , when the apothecaries after a long siege have batter'd down the walls , then the world says we destroy'd the town ; what reason is there in this ?

tr.

troth very little , i confess , if it be so ; but however i hope , doctor , you won't be angry at a jest.

dr.

no , no. but to go on . i call that damnable health ( thô i know it bears another sense ) when the sickness is not great enough to require the skill of a physician , but every ignorant apothecary assumes the cure , and pretends to know more than the learned'st physician of us all .

tr.

what then , you would not have the apothecaries recover peoples health ? would you ?

dr.

yes , but i would , by all means , only let 'um do their part in their own sphere , and within their own limits or bounds . for when men have no lawful authority to act , that action may be call'd damnable , that is , such an action as may justly be condemned by all wise-men . now 't is plain that the apothecaries have no lawful commission to do what they do often , and consequently they may be justly condemn'd for doing such an action . so that if the patient dies under such an one's hands , the law judges him a bold empyrick ; and all men of reason , the patient a fool , especially if he were able to pay .

tr.

nay , doctor , now you are grown grave . we will let this nicety of examining words alone ; i see you are angry with the apothecaries for invading your province . however , you have one comfort left that your good father broke , and left you an estate .

dr.

broke , sir ? how d' ye mean ?

tr.

how ; why did not you say just now , had not your good father step'd aside . what 's that but broke ? and so compounded his debts to support you with the cheat.

dr.

truly mr. trueman you run a little too fast now . when i said my father step'd aside , i meant , into his grave , and left me some estate .

tr.

o , sir , i beg your pardon , i thought you had meant otherwise , because i hear all your whole estate is mortgag'd to pay the old knights heir some thousand 's o' pounds .

dr.

what he has on my estate , i 'll not tell you ; but i can tell you that he has no more on it than what i am able to pay , thô perhaps more than i am willing at the rate of such unreasonable demands . come let 's talk no more of that , we had rogues and knaves for our ancestors , who brought us in debt , that 's all can be said . you know the old proverb , happy is that family that has no whores or rogues belonging to it .

[ tom gallypot peeps in , with a glyster-pipe in one hand , and a cordial bolus in t'other . ] tr.

come in , come in , we were no sooner talking of rogues but enters an apothecary : prethee , tom , where hast been that thou com'st with the accoutrements of thy profession thus ?

tom g.

truly , sir , i have been at your house ; your lady was not very well to day , and she sent for me to — to — to — canonade her posteriors : you know by my instrument what i have been doing . and now i have done that , i have prescribed a specifick bolus for her to take after it .

tr.

a pox of your specifick bolus , and you. my wife is never well but when she 's taking physick , i think . prithee , mr. gallypot , what will be the charges of this morning's work ?

gallyp.

o , sir , but little , you never stand upon that i am sure for your ladies good ; she must also have a pearl julep , and an anodyne draught : and then i hope she 'll be very speedily well again .

tr.

a pox had you with your cramp names . tell me what all this will cost ? i am sure i left her well not above an hour ago .

gallyp.

[ starts back . ] good sir , be not so unreasonably passionate , and i 'll tell you . sir , the pearl julep will be six shillings eight pence ; pearls being dear since our clipt money was current . the specifick bolus s. and d. i never reckon less ; my master in leadenhall-street never set down less , be it what it would . the antihysterick glyster , s. and d. ( a common one is but s. d. ) and the anodyne draught s. d. that 's all , sir , a small matter and please you , sir , for your lady . my fee is what you please sir. all the bill is but eighteen shillings .

tr.

very fine , i'faith , d' ye make a but at it ? i do suppose to be genteel , i must give you a crown .

gallyp.

if your worship please ; i take it to be a fair , and an honest bill .

tr.

do you so indeed ? but i wish you had call'd a doctor , perhaps he would have advised her to have forbore taking any thing , as yet at least , so i had saved s. in my pocket .

gallyp.

o sir , call a doctor ; we never do that , at least very , rarely till we have done all we can with the patients : and when we can't tell what to do with 'um , then we oblige a doctor and call him in .

dr.

very fairly confessed , mr. gallypot , i believe you never spoke a truer thing in your life . i am glad to hear your confession to mr. trueman ; and am very sorry the state do's not think fit to handle you a little for your unreasonable practices . i see you have impudence enough to demand a fee too , but do wonder you should do it before my face .

gallyp.

truly , doctor , i did not mind you . however , i hope , i may take what gentlemen please to give me .

dr.

pleased to give you ? faith , i am ashamed to see gentlemen so imposed upon by ye mrs. doctors .

gallyp.

troth , doctor , that was a lucky thought of yours , we are but mrs. thô they commonly call us doctors . and now you put me in mind of it , ha'nt you seen my paper , set out march , ? wherein i make above half the college of physicians masters , thô they are call'd doctors among themselves ?

tr.

how ! mr. gallypot ; how do you do that ? that 's a trick and an half , pray let 's know it .

gallyp.

o lord , mr. trueman , can't you guess how ? if the doctor pleases , i 'll tell you immediately .

dr.

with all my heart , if you make it out , i believe you will be a man of admirable sagacity .

tr.

faith so you will , for i can't readily guess , thô i am sometime as good at guessing as another , if you can prove that they are no doctors , who have taken degrees in the universities , then you 'll certainly be in the right .

gallyp.

prove ? i can infallibly prove more than that if i once undertake it . you must know that i own none to be doctors but those who have regularly done their exercises for physick in one of our universities ; that 's plain . but hold a little , here 's my brother pestle of king-street coming in , he can be a witness of the whole . i gad , i have so ferreted and humbled 'um , that i 'll spoil their association against the apothecaries ; for they have associated by the names of doctors , and i 'll prove above half of 'um to be but masters at best .

[ enter lancet pestle , with a plaister-box in his hand . ]

brother pestle , i am glad you are come in , in this nick of time ; i was just a telling mr. trueman how i have humbled the college of physicians , has'nt thee read my paper of queries i put out march , ? do'st not see how smartly and finely i jerk ' um ? hey .

pestle .

ay brother , i must needs say you have done your part very handsomely , thô i don't hear any body took much notice of what you said .

gallyp.

true , that may be . and do'sn't that show their want of understanding the more ? none but a block-head would slight such smart reflections . o that i could think of a short saying in the classicks relating to this matter . i vow 't was a smart one , i remember it in english.

tr.

what was it mr. gallypot ? can't i help you out ? what did it relate too ?

gallyp.

't is a saying in latin , all which i have now almost forgot , except physick-latin ; i remember 't was a piece of a verse out of tacitus , or suetonius , i can't tell which .

tr.

come , come , mr. gallypot , let your two poets alone , perhaps you may think of ovid , or horace .

gallyp.

ay really so 't was , but 't is a long while ago , so i had forgot their names on a sudden .

tr.

what! perhaps it was . pudet haec opprobria nobis , & dici potuisse , & non potuisse refelli .

gallyp.

i troth that 's the very saying . i thank you that you have help'd me out . now is that not plain to the purpose ? horace was a fine fellow , i vow he was mr. trueman . thô i don't well know whether ovid , or he said it ; yet they were both fine fellows .

pestle .

ay so they were , i believe , brother . but i am in haste , and must go to blood an eminent citizen in tower-street . so , i am in haste .

tr.

hold a little , mr. pestle , one word with you before you go . blood , mr. pestle ! i thought you had been an apprentice to an apothecary .

pestle .

so i was , sir , but i thank god , and my own industry , i have by my diligence perfectly acquired the whole knowledg of surgery . i phlebotomize as well as the best surgeon in london , thô i say it that should not say it . i 'll tell you how i came to be so dextrous in performing that operation in particular .

tr.

well now am i fairly hope up , between two of ye , one endeavouring to prove all his doctors to be masters , and t'other showing his dexterity in phlebotomizing , as he calls it . what a pox , were not both of ye bred apothecaries ?

gallyp. and pestle .

sir , pray be not so passionate . yes we were both of us bred apothecaries . but knowledg —

enter messenger . mess.

is dr. pestle here ?

pestle .

yes he is . what d' ye come from sir thomas in tower-street ? what do's he want to be let blood immediately ?

mess.

yes , sir , he do's , and stays for you .

pestle .

good lad , well , i 'll come presently . [ exit . messeng. ] now i know he will be blooded by no body else ; i have perswaded him that all the surgeons are blunderers , as to bleeding . sir thomas is a good-natur'd gentleman . he believes that no body understands the curing a disease , or an ulcer , or indeed any thing , but an apothecary . faith he is one of the honestest gentlemen in england .

tr.

you make him a fine gentleman indeed . honest ! for no other reason as i see but because he suffers himself to be made a fool of by such as you .

pestle .

but , mr. trueman , assure your self , he 's a man of very good sense : all the apothecaries in town say so , and then i am sure it must be true . he pays well , and takes physick freely ; besides i particularly know his constitution : after bleeding he must take a purge or two , then some cordial powders , dulcifiers of the blood , and two or three odd things more , but as i was saying , this sir thomas has a vein as fine , and as small as the finest silk you can imagine : i 'll tell you what i did to learn to let him blood , i took a fine , nay super-fine cobweb , and pick'd out of it one of the smallest filaments , or threads i could find : this filament or thread of the cobweb , as i told you , i lay upon a convenient place , as i remember upon a piece of white paper , then i took my lancet , and without the least hesitation , divided it soquickly , all the whole length , to the great admiration of the standers by , that —

tr.

this was very admirable indeed , and almost like the virtuoso's learning first to swim on a table in order to swim in the water . but suppose this true , do's this make you a compleat surgeon , so as to undertake the cure of any ulcer , or wound ?

pestle .

puh ! mr. trueman , i tell you 't is an easy thing for a man of parts to be a surgeon ; do but buy a lancet , forceps , saw ; talk a little of contusions , fractures , compress and bandage : you 'll presently , by most people , be thought an excellent surgeon . especially — d' ye mind me — lord , you nod , methinks , as if you were sleepy :

tr.

o , sir , i hear you : but i sate up late last night , and am a little drowsy . but i heard you say you were a man of parts , i think , and that you had two familiar acquaintance compress and bandage : i grant it , sir , ( rubbing his eyes ) but still how do's this make you a surgeon ? you may as well say my keeping company with a bishop may make me a good divine .

pestle .

alas ! poor gentleman , i find you did not sleep well last night . hah ! hah ! i can't but laugh at your mistake . my two acquaintance ! hah ! hah ! hah ! a pretty mistake ! — but true enough : for a man must be acquainted with his business indeed ; now compress and bandage being a part of it , you may term them my familiar acquaintance , if you please , mr. trueman . — lord , i think the devil 's in you for drowsiness , and gaping .

tr.

pray , mr. pestle , pray say something then that may divert me and keep me awake , for i protest to hear you talk of skill in surgery will never do ; for my part i am for employing every man in his own way , the doctor for advice , the apothecary for medicines , and the surgeon for wounds , &c.

pestle .

now , how you are mistaken again , don't you think that one man , being an apothecary , may understand perfectly and thorowly all three parts ?

tr.

o , sir , being an apothecary indeed he may understand very much , as you say , especially if he be a man of great learning .

pestle .

learning ? that signifies but little in this age , nor ( i thank our kind stars ) had ever less encouragement ; if you but profess your self an apothecary , and then undertake any thing whatever , ( as we dare do ) no body questions but that you are an able doctor , and a good surgeon , at any time .

tr.

very fine , on my word ; and do you think the world so blind as to believe it ?

pestle .

faith , mr. trueman , they generally are . i my self have turn'd out several doctors out of families , because they would not prescribe physick plentifully , and in large quantities . i have perswaded my patients , that they did not well understand their distemper ; so have brought in another who has swingingly dos'd ' um . i could tell you of a sir harry that paid an l. for physick in six weeks , and i accepted it , being a friend , without requiring one penny for my own fees. — you don't know the mystery of trade .

tr.

in plain english , i know not what you call mystery , but i now know the roguery of that doctor and you too . what an l. in weeks ? bless me , what did she take ? i believe she swallow'd guinea's made into bullets for the gripes , so discharg'd 'um again for the gold-finders . for i hear guineas are grown so cheap that ladies begin to think that they can take them cheaper than apothecaries doses .

pestle .

o abominable ! do'st hear brother gallypot ? i protest , mr. trueman , you scan peoples actions too narrowly . wou'dn't you have us live ?

tr.

the same question may be as well ask'd by an highway-man , or a pick-pocket . live upon honest gains , come do , and then it will wear well .

pestle .

well , sir , i go to sir thomas , and wait on you again presently .

[ exit tr.

nay , if you must be gone , e'en let 's all go for the present , and discourse the rest over to morrow .

[ exeunt omnes .

act ii. scene ii. being the representation of several apothecaries , weighing rich mens brains in their scales , by scruples . enter dr. j. galen and trueman . dr.

mr. trueman , methinks 't was a pretty diversion yesterday , to hear the apothecary brag of his skill in surgery and physick ; i could not imagine what he had to set up with , but a large stock of impudence : i know all his medicines in his shop did not cost above fifty pound , and in six weeks time has he made an hundred pound of one part of it ? such reflections as these wou'd make a man burn his books , and curse the gentility of his education . it seems indeed wonder to me , that so many gentlemen who serve in parliament , and have oft-times many younger sons to provide for , do not find out a way to suppress these griping empyricks , and quacks , that their children may be the better able to support themselves in a genteel profession , answerable to the expence they have been at in their education . in troth 't is a thing worthy consideration .

tr.

truly , doctor , i am of your opinion , but in such points our english gentlemen of what sect soever are generally of the same temper with those they call church of england-men , that is , lazy and slow in prosecuting a publick interest , but active enough to promote their own private advantage . and this , to give you but one instance , is evident enough in the choice of a parliament-man , where the active dissenter generally gets the day , because the lazy church-man won't stir to manage a publick cause and choose honest representatives , tho' his own private interest may be often promoted by the assistance of such a publick friend .

dr.

we have an english saying that do's a great deal of mischief , which is this , that which is every bodies business is no bodies business . therefore i wonder that the college of physicians don't petition the parliament for a remedy in this case , and make it their particular business .

enter tom gally pot hastily . t. gallyp.

college of physicians ! what of them ? by your leave , doctor , i think the company of apothecaries very substantial men , and are able to buy twice your college . they are monyed-men ; and have an interest almost every where . college of physicians ! they are learn'd men they say , but what 's that to money ? hah ! hah ! hah ! .

dr.

look you , mr. trueman , i suppose you know this gentleman is an apothecary by his carriage , and rude behaviour .

tr.

know him , doctor ? ay very well , but i suppose he has been taking a large whet this morning .

gallyp.

no , sir , but i ha'n't , i understand the regulating my health better than so ; i that have practis'd physick now near years know better things than whets , as you call ' um .

tr.

nay , tom , if thee wou'lt have no excuse made for thy uncivility , i have done . then for ought i know impudence is as necessary an ingredient to an apothecary , as sugar of pearl for your pearl cordials , with a pox.

gallyp.

sir , you are my patient , so you may say what you please . but saving the doctor 's presence , i hope you remember what i said yesterday about my paper that i put out march , . wherein i cut out half the college from being doctors .

dr.

i have no patience to hear this fellow 's prating .

tr.

nay , but prethee doctor , stay a little longer .

dr.

i beg your excuse , i 'll wait on you to morrow .

[ exit . gallyp.

ho! i know he wou'd'nt stay to hear my reasons against their worthy society .

tr.

nor indeed do i desire it . but if i must of necessity hear them , prethee put me out of pain as soon as you can .

t. gallyp.

why i 'll tell you now . some of them took their degrees at leyden , some at padua , some at vtrecht , some in scotland , others incorporated at cambridg , or commenced doctors , as an honour conferred on them , being in the retinue of some great person , as ambassador , &c. now all these in reality are no doctors ; and consequently every member of the college that is such cannot rightly be called doctor .

tr.

why not , good mr. gallypot , is not a doctor of physick bred in foreign universities as much a doctor as one bred at our universities ? as to their titles i see no difference .

gallyp.

but i hope you will allow it to be more honourable to be educated regularly in one of our own universities , and so commence doctor in one's turn .

tr.

suppose that were so , yet i hope they are doctors still ?

gallyp.

but , sir , i say they are not properly doctors . for then an apothecary , or farrier may go to leyden a year or two , come afterwards to that free and unquestioning university of cambridg to be dubb'd doctor , and straightway be admitted into the college of physicians .

tr.

i suppose you mean by properly doctors , such qualifications as you require , they want . else i should ( as in other cases ) think they were properly so . for a church is properly a church , so and so built , and consecrated . and a logger-head arguing very silly is properly a logger-head . besides i doubt such remarks come home upon your self .

gallyp.

well , sir , then let 's bar reflections , e'en let it be so as you say . come , i hate arguing . but let me tell you under the rose , i can write a prescription as well as any of 'um all , i learn'd that the first thing i did , by reading doctors bills in my shop .

tr.

so , i am glad i have brought you to a good temper : and i do believe you had better been an apothecary still . for to speak properly , as you call it , you are a mr. doctor , or dr , master , which you please . but enough , hold , who is that coming hither so gravely ? what 's his name ?

enter retorto spatula d' ulceroso . gallyp.

i can't call him readily to my mind , but i know him very well by sight . i use to meet him at apothecaries-hall .

tr.

sir , your humble servant . pray , don't you belong to the spanish ambassador ?

retorto .

[ stroaking his whiskers ] no , sir , but i am an italian born , my name is retorto spatula d' vlceroso ; i was bred in italy what you call an apothecary , by which i attained to the knowledg of physick , both the theoretick and practick part : i also exercise the art of chyrurgery , as scarrifying , cupping , stupes , rollers , and bandage , &c. besides , i can by chymistry extract the quintessence of the four elements , and tame the red dragon : and in fine , i can make up a cordial , bolus , or pills , according to the best mode in foreign countries , as you may see in my shop in — lane .

tr.

hold , sir , not too fast ; after all with your hard names , i believe you are bred an outlandish apothecary ; and they , forsooth , make up things far better than our english apothecaries do theirs .

retort .

o , sir , infinitely better , in my shop i should be ashamed if my pills look'd not like true gold ; tho' but gilt , my bolus's are put up all in gilt paper , cut in fine shapes and figures : a quire costs me s. the cutting ; besides the paper is pure venice-paper : my cordials are all put into venice-vials , &c. and all this alamodo d' italiano , to make the physick taste the better , work the better , and look the better . o fine italians !

tr.

now you say something , look the better ; but to taste the better , or work the better , i don't well understand . will a vomit work the better for being in a fine venice-glass ? i think a little nastiness for a vomit makes it work the better . i knew a doctor that used to stir it with his finger , before he gave it , to make it nauseate the more .

retort .

o , sir , that be very unhandsome . no english-man can do so finely as i can .

tr.

then i must beg your pardon , i believe they can all do as well as you pretend ; but i should look on it as a needless piece of foppery if they all should do as you do . and i am sure the patient must pay more sawce for his medicines .

retort .

o , sir , that 's very true ; a good cook will be well pay'd for his sawce , you know sir.

tr.

a pox , but this is paying sawce for the use of dishes , like a young oxford-scholar's treat , if he spends five pound in meat , 't is odds but he pays or l. for the use of dishes and linen .

retort .

sir , notwithstanding all this , i never reckon for a little bolus above or s. made of very good diascordium , very good gascoin-powder , and a little pearl .

tr.

no , on my word that 's mighty kind , to take not above s. for all your fine dressing , and a groats-worth of medicines . and do you take any apprentices ?

retorto .

yes , sir , i do , for about l. a lad.

tr.

faith , and very well worth it too , and a great deal of money saved , if you teach him all your trades ; for the devils in 't if one don't hit . for the education of a son to be a regular doctor is reputed l. charge at long run . any surgeon of note will have l. or more , an apothecary l. or more ; a chymist perhaps as mnch . now if you will teach my son all these arts and sciences , i think i have a very good bargain .

retort .

i 'll certainly do it sir , never doubt it .

tr.

well , agreed : i 'll send my eldest son to you , and when he is out of his time , i 'll bind all his younger brothers to him , so each will have trades or callings , won't they mr. retorto ?

retort .

d' ye doubt it ? i thought you had known an apothecary better than to disbelieve him in his own calling . nay , sir , to be free with you , i 'll teach you how to multiply medicines so fast upon a patient , that in a weeks time he shall get ten pound in some cases , when the doctor shan't get above s.

tr.

that 's a rare art indeed , then i suppose you must attack your patient with a quadripartite army of medicines drawn from all quarters of your four sciences .

retort .

i can do it , and will ; and if you don't think this enough , here 's my brother comprehensive a coming .

[ enter comprehensive . ]

he can besides this teach him to make all sorts of sweet-meats , buy and sell drugs , distil all sorts of strong-waters ; nay cut corns for a need to persons of quality .

tr.

o , sir , then he is a corn-cutter only to persons of quality .

retort .

no , not unless he pleases .

tr.

nor any thing else , unless he pleases . however , i am content my son shall only learn your four arts , or sciences , as you call them . i think that 's enough for one , especially if he learn throughly the last , that is , to multiply medicines so as to get ten pounds to the doctor 's twenty shillings .

retort .

that , assure your self , i 'll teach him perfectly : for all the apothecaries in town now understand it pretty well ; and , i think , i understand it exceeding well .

tr.

well , sir , i thank you for your kindness ; but i 'll see ye all at the devil first , to learn how to swallow assafoetida , before ye shall have the education of my son. i think , if it be possible , ye have less honesty than a lawyer that has but one cause in a year to keep him , and his family , out of —

compreh .

sir , by your leave , this is not fit language for a gentleman apothecary to bear : he 's a brother of the quill , and an honest man , i 'll justify it . he was master of the company not long ago .

tr.

that may be , and never the honester man , if he teaches his apprentices that cheat. but , by your leave , i suppose you are an apothecary too by your talk. pray , what may i call your name ?

compreh .

my name , sir , is iack comprehensive , originally a north country-man , and brother apothecary to this worthy gentleman , mr. retorto spatula d' vlceroso , apothecary , surgeon , chymist and doctor .

tr.

ay , sir , his titles i knew before ; and pray , sir , how many have you ?

compreh .

sir , i am , in short , generally call'd doctor only , but i also profess my self a surgeon : an apothecary , i should have said first , then surgeon , chymist , druggist , confectioner , distiller , &c. and , to persons of quality , corn-cutter . and —

tr.

hold , sir , pray a little , 'till — i 'll take out my table-book , lest i should miscal you , and not give you your right title .

compreh .

o , sir , no matter , sir , to give your self that trouble ; i answer to any one of them .

tr.

sir , i am glad you do , for fear of giving offence . then pray , mr. corn cutter of quality ( that was the last title i heard ) tell me , since you have so many trades , which of all these were you bound to first ? or were you bound to 'um all at once ?

compreh .

corn-cutter of quality ! what , could you pick out none but that ? i told you i was usually call'd doctor , and nothing else . i won't tell you what trade i was bound to . one would think you had sense enough to guess i was an apothecary .

tr.

good sir , pray don't be so angry . how should i guess so many trades to center in one man ?

compreh .

then i see you don 't know the town . i thought you had told me you had been in town above years .

tr.

truly so i have , and have known apothecaries call'd doctors , which is but two names ; but you are apothecary , doctor , chymist , distiller . — hold , call my man to give me my pocket-book out of — o! i have it by me in my pocket . faith , you must excuse me , i can't remember all your titles .

compreh .

't is no matter , sir , remember but doctor , that 's enough , i 'll answer to that , if you please .

tr.

mr. comprehensive the apothecary's a better name , in my mind ; it do's not please me to call you doctor .

compreh .

then call me what you please ; i am sure some of the greatest men of the nation honour us with that title , and value our skill above a physician 's often .

tr.

i am sorry they do ; and do think it a great fault in our government that men of liberal and ingenious education —

enter dr. galen . dr. galen .

hold , let me go on . i heard what you were upon : — i think you were saying the government wou'd do well to suppress such cheats , quacks , and empyricks .

tr.

no , doctor , they were not my words . but i was saying that i thought it a fault in a government that men of liberal and ingenious education should not have the countenance of that government under which they live , so far as to have a power granted them to punish men who act out of their sphere , and invade the rights and privileges of their neighbours : this is what i was about to say , but you interrupted me .

dr.

i beg your pardon . when i hear these apothecaries talk of their practice , their skill in diseases , and medicines , their taking of fees , and pretension to even the most difficult diseases , it puts me into a passion , then i am apt to call 'um cheats , and quacks .

[ pestle and gallypot peep in . tr.

hold a little , doctor , yonder are the other two a coming ; if you talk at this rate , they 'l bait you to death : i advise you to retire .

compreh .

now , doctor , you highly value your self for your title ; brethren come hither , come in .

[ beckoning to pestle and gallypot . the doctor hastily runs off . p. and g.

what 's the matter ye look so angry ?

comp. and retort .

angry ! why the doctor has most abominably abused all apothecaries ; he calls us quacks , and cheats : as if an apothecary could be a cheat , or knave .

p. and g.

did he so ? wou'd we had come time enough ; we wou'd a rounded his doctorship .

tr.

now , gentlemen , i see ye are all four together , i 'll leave ye a little , and go see if i can reduce this doctor to a better temper . — your servant .

[ retires only behind the hangings . t. gallyp.

come , gentlemen , now we are got by our selves , let 's talk a little about trade : how stand affairs ? is there any business stirring ? we ought to have a meeting every now and then , to settle what ought to be the prizes of our medicines . pray how do ye at your end of the town prize a dose of common purging pills ?

retort .

why , brother , about eighteen pence , sometime two shillings , with an haustus after them of three and six pence .

pestle .

and can you live so ? i believe all the things cost you at least a shilling out of pocket .

retort .

no , god forbid ! how could i live then ? indeed they cost me about six pence , and i take but five shillings and six pence , sometime less , and i think that 's honest gains . hey brother !

i. compreh .

o very honest ! very fair ! there 's nothing can be fairer in the world ! shall i tell ye gentlemen ? i not long ago had a patient , who accidentally had a robust heavy fellow tread on a corn that grew on his left toe , which put him into some pain . i perswaded him he was a little feverish , so blooded him , and apply'd a caustick to his toe ( as i told him ) to eat out the corn : but unluckily eat to the very bone , and made a pretty handsome ulcer . then i blister'd him , and distilled some antifebrifuge drops , specificks for him only , and good for no body else besides . in short , he lay ill of this but eleven weeks , and what do'st think he wou'd have paid me for the cure ?

t. gallyp.

faith , i can't tell , perhaps l. but why did'st not call in a surgeon at last for a dead lift ?

i. compreh .

o pox man ! i saw i cou'd do it my self , tho' but slowly . but faith , i thank my stars , i have learn'd now to use them like the doctors , never call in either , but when i can't tell what to do my self .

t. gallyp.

right , so have i , but what had'st at last ?

i. compreh .

what do'st talk of forty pound ! indeed as an apothecary not above thirty pound a month , or so , was enough ; but as doctor ( and saving thereby many fees ) and surgeon also , i ask'd him but l. s. d. and he scrupl'd to give it me .

tr.

[ peeps in from behind the hangings . ] and , faith , if he had paid you the odd s. and d. i think he had paid you too much : a parcel of canary-birds , now your rogueries and cheats come out .

retort .

prethee who was that peep'd in and talk'd so , was it not mr. trueman ? well , i like that man's company very well , were he not too censorious upon a man for getting an honest livelyhood .

t. gallyp.

ay , he is well enough but he has that disobliging humour in him .

tr.

what a pox , if i tell ye that ye are knaves and cheats , when ye are so , this ye call a disobliging humour : leave of cheating then , and practise fair in your own sphere .

pestle .

cheats , and rogues , and knaves ! that will bear an action i am sure . let 's at him at law , and maull him : have none of ye a lawyer clapt , or ( to speak more modestly ) has the high scurvy ; let us employ him : as we take his money , let him take ours : i warrant ye we 'll out-do him in making a bill of costs .

i. compreh .

that , brother , i don't question : besides you know if a man be a knave 't is an hard matter to prove him so . let 's put him upon the proof of any one apothecary in town . if he should at last prove it , why 't is but one maungy-hound in a whole pack .

retort .

soft and fair brother . for suppose he should prove you , or me , brother , to be that very knave ye talk'd of . don't venture proofs . come let 's threaten him with it , and he 'll hold his tongue a course .

t. gallyp.

gad , i won't venture it , not i.

pestle .

nor i neither . come let 's talk of something else .

retort .

ay ; prethee , brother comprehensive , tell me , did'st abate him any thing of the bill .

i. compreh .

yes , faith , i did ; being an old customer , i abated the odd l. s. and d. and took a goldsmith's note for the other .

retort .

on my word pretty well paid too . i suppose he had a good estate , and was a knight at least . but prethee deal ingeniously with me , what did it cost thee out of pocket ?

i. compreh .

some body will hear me , or else i would : i cast it up to a penny to satisfie my self what really i gain'd by my medicines .

t. gallyp.

no , no , here are none but friends , prethee tell us , i know you deal with lords , ladies , and knights ; who sometimes pay , and sometimes not : but when they do pay , besure you mount'um .

i. compreh .

to tell you the truth they cost — hold look if no body be near us —

pestle .

no ; i 'll look my self ( looks ) there 's no body .

i. compreh .

then , to be plain , the prime cost was six pound s . d . farthing , or near that : so i got in the weeks clear gains not above l. of one patient . that 's all .

t. gallyp.

wou'd i had half a score such : i cannot for the life of me make above sixteen pound in twenty clear gains ; i mean not reckoning in my by-fees of ten shillings , and five shillings , or so .

i. compreh .

no! come that 's pretty well too , considering you are only doctor , and apothecary . but i am surgeon , and chymist , &c. you know .

enter trueman from behind the curtain . tr.

is the doctor here ?

all.

yes , yes , and all run to him to know what 's the matter .

tr.

hey ! i find ye are all doctors . o , tom gallypot , go call dr. galen , and bid him go to my wife , she 's fall'n ill again .

t. gallyp.

sir , he'ant at home ; can't i do it ? sir , 't will save you fees.

tr.

how d' ye know he'ant at home ? go i say , i send for him because i would save money . i know last time how i saved money by you indeed .

t. gallyp.

well , if you will have the doctor , i 'll wait on him to your lady .

[ offers to go out . tr.

stay a little ; now ye are all here together i must tell you , with the rest , before you go , that there was some body behind the curtain , when the medicines cost but six pound seventeen shillings and six pence ; and an hundred pound was paid for them .

all.

o the devil ! what are we betray'd ?

tr.

betray'd , d' ye call it ? no ; but ye have told your rogueries , and cheats , in private , and i 'll publish 'um to the world , with my own sentiments about the practice of physick .

t. gallyp.

ay pray do , so you don't reflect on us ; you use to do things very fair sometimes .

tr.

well , tom , my advice to a patient is as soon as he is ill , to send for some doctor of the lower rank , of whose learning and skill in physick he has an opinion ; and in case he grow worse , to send for one of greater fame , reputation , and vogue in the world to joyn in consult : for the diligence of the one , who has less fame , and vogue in the world ( tho' perhaps equal in learning and skill really , tho' not thought so in the eye of the world ) may , and oft do's make amends for the supposed greater skill of the other physitian , by which means the patient may more reasonably , and upon juster grounds expect a cure. besides the hurry , and multitude of business that distracts the heads of men in great practice , and makes 'um either forget what they did formerly in the like cases , or at least write but cursorily , and as they say , iust for their fee , would by this means be a little tempered ; and by the constant attendance and observation of the diligent physician , the supposed great man may be put in mind of using some more proper medicines for the patient , which perhaps he would otherwise forget . these , gentlemen , are my real sentiments .

t. gallyp.

now , master , i like your discourse very well , seeing you make no remarks on apothecaries . besides perhaps it may open peoples eyes to employ me the sooner , for tho' i am an old apothecary , i am but a young doctor . for i visit in either capacity , either as an old apothecary , which is as good as a young doctor , or as a young doctor , and that 's as good as t'other again .

tr.

but i thought you had left off shop , and stuck only to your doctorship .

t. gallyp.

so i do openly , but privately i keep a shop , and side in all things with the apothecaries against the doctors ; i am , and will be to such families , as yours , an apothecary still , that pay well .

ay , tom , l. in l. is good gains . your apothecaryship , i believe , out do's your doctorship .

t. gallyp.

what. sir , i believe you heard me jest a little among the rest . but pray no more reflections , i beseech you .

tr.

well , i 'll say nothing to you about your degree , for to me you are an apothecary still , and no other ; to you as such , and to ye all i direct my speech , 't is my opinion that ye all ought to be forced to take moderate prizes , and be content with honest gains .

pestle .

so we are : what wou'd you propose ?

tr.

in troth , mr. pestle , my proposal will signify but little i know ; but were i to advise the law-makers , they should make a law that no apothecaries bills should be paid till first taxed by two or more doctors , appointed in every district , or division , in and about the city of london .

pestle .

that 's very fine indeed : how is that practicable ?

tr.

why not ? as well as the attorney's bills by the prothonotories .

pestle .

that 's only when the client thinks himself over-rated .

tr.

so should this be , when the patient thinks himself over-rated in medicines . this would prevent the extravagant cheats put upon the patient oft , and be decided without the unnecessary suits of law. i am well assured that very oft 't is cheaper to see a doctor and pay you for medicines , than employ one of ye as doctor and apothecary too .

pestle .

very fine again : you , and your politicks , you wou'd make the doctors our governours , wou'd you ? good mr. trueman , we beg you excuse , we are his majesty's free-born subjects . and after all , pray , mr. trueman , how do the doctors understand to make medicines ? how do they understand the prices of drugs ? puh ! you talk you know not what . come , let 's leave him .

tr.

mr. pestle , by your leave a little . how did all the apothecaries learn to make medicines at first ? 't is very probable that men of learning , study and industry ( such which the world has call'd physicians ) first found out the use of herbs , minerals , &c. out of these , proportionably mixed , formed compound medicines ; and their prescriptions taught the apothecaries the general use of these medicines : which made the apothecaries use these weapons first formed against all diseases ( as i beg leave to call 'um ) peculiarly against the first inventor , to destroy him root and branch if possible . like the spaniards in the west-indies , who thought it good policy ( tho 't was neither honesty nor christianity ) to destroy the natives wholly ; to make the possession of their countrey more quiet and secure . the gentility of their profession , i confess , has been a great hindrance to them in reaping those advantages as they might ( and with more honesty than any of ye ) otherwise have done .

pestle .

e'en let 'um be genteel still . i don't think 'um indeed such fools , as that they cannot make medicines if they will ; but why can't they keep their learning and gentility to themselves , and let us alone ?

tr.

o , sir , i am glad you allow 'um to be capable of learning to make medicines if they please . now , mr. pestle , to tell you the plain truth , i hear they have actually made several good medicines at the college , and continue so to do ; neither do i think it so very difficult to understand making compound medicines , and prizing of them : for if i know the price of every simple , sure 't is very easy for me to guess what the whole mass cost , and so consequently by a farther calculation tell you what an ounce , half an ounce , or a dram of that mass may be sold for : thus i have made it plain that they can make medicines , and prize 'um too .

pestle .

how can they tell tho' when a medicine is good ?

tr.

very easy , mr. pestle , they have taste , and sight to judge by as well as ye , by which they discern the goodness of simples that make every compound , and the goodness also of that compound . besides , if ever they have bought good out of your shops , ( and yours is always right prime good , ye know ) or have made good , they may , and i believe can make the like again .

pestle .

suppose all this true , tho' i am resolved i won't believe it true ; who after all shall give attendance to observe the operations of medicines ?

tr.

who shou'd but the doctors themselves ? they are paid for attending their patients .

pestle .

hah ! hah ! hah ! attending ? i mean adminitring physick ; how i should laugh to see a doctor giving a glyster , and the bladder break and bespatter all his velvet jacket : hah ! hah ! hah !

tr.

i find you wou'd be merry at such a mischance as that ; but that 's but idle to object , because every nurse do's that office acourse , and all that ye pretend to about sick persons , or else are but sorrowful nurses . as for bleeding , the surgeon ought to be employ'd . as for chymical medicines , the chymist is at hand ; and so for all others .

pestle .

methinks your head is full of projects , can't you find out one to serve them in ?

tr.

i don't pretend to be a projector ; but i think the college would do very well to make all sorts of medicines themselves , and sell them out at easy rates . what they design by forming a fund by subscription , i profess i at present know not , but one of 'um told me t'other day that they design to make that a fund for buying in drugs , &c. and making of all sorts of compound medicines necessary for the sick , selling them out again for small profit , sufficient only to pay about a dozen servants , and the prime cost of the medicines , with a penny in the shilling over-plus to the college . by which means the doctors will be sure to have such good medicines , and so well prepared as to rely on them , not to be sophisticated ; or , for want of any one prescribed , to be supply'd by another in the room of it , as you apothecaries oft do : if you han't one thing , you in your mighty wisdom will put in another in the room of it ; so that the physician may prescribe till dooms-day , and the patient will be never the better , if ye substitute what medicines ye please , and after that put what prices ye please .

pestle .

prices sir ? i sell as cheap as any apothecary in town ; i never have above s. and d. for a pint of pearl cordial in my life , an you go to that .

tr.

not so passionate , good mr. pestle , i believe you sell as cheap as your brethren , but all damn'd dear , and much to the oppression of the poor . to remedy which they propose to sell a pint of good pearl cordial for eighteen pence , or thereabouts . a cordial bolus for a groat , which ye reckon sometimes s. d. and sometimes s. a quart of bitter drink for s. for which i my self have pay'd s. and d. and so proportionable for all other medicines .

pestle .

puh ! what if they do ? our old customers won't leave us .

tr.

what if they do ? why then the poorer sort of people will buy of them , because they are sure of good and cheap medicines . the better sort will think it prudence to save s. in s. and d. if they can , to help pay taxes , and not have a bill after a great sickness brought in , enough to renew their sickness again . even the richest of all will be apt to be influenced by their physicians , when they tell 'um that there are the only medicines prepared which they can rely on . in short , every body will be willing in their illness to go to such a place , where they can with great probability be assured of good and cheap medicines .

pestle .

good mr. trueman , you may e'en prate about ●●●ling the practice of physick till you are weary , i warrant ye , let 'um do what they can , we 'll easily perswade people that we are all very honest men. — we always said you were always a prying , busie , inquisitive man , pretending to understand things , i am sure you don't understand ; you have a mighty opinion of your self . come let us leave him .

all.

ay come , come let 's leave him .

[ exit . apothecaries whistling in glyster-pipes . tr.

't is an old saying , si populus vult decipi , decipiatur , if people will be cheated e'en let 'um be so . — i have done what lies in my power to open their eyes ; and by telling the truth have gain'd other men's hatred , but

i ne'er to flatt'ry was , or will b' a slave , he that loves truth is generous and brave , and scorns the wealthy and the thriving knave . exit . finis .

the moralist, or, a satyr upon the sects shewing some disputing passages by way of dialogue, between a well-principled lay-man, and a professor of theology : with reflections upon some modern writings and actions, particularly the late absconding of a certain b--- / by the author of the weesils. brown, thomas, - . approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : - (eebo-tcp phase ). a wing b estc r ocm this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) the moralist, or, a satyr upon the sects shewing some disputing passages by way of dialogue, between a well-principled lay-man, and a professor of theology : with reflections upon some modern writings and actions, particularly the late absconding of a certain b--- / by the author of the weesils. brown, thomas, - . [ ], p. ; cm. 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ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf- unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p , characters represented either as utf- unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng - tcp assigned for keying and markup - apex covantage keyed and coded from proquest page images - judith siefring sampled and proofread - judith siefring text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion the moralist : or , a satyr upon the sects . shewing some disputing passages by way of dialogue , between a well-principled lay-man , and a professor of theology . with reflections upon some modern writings and actions , particularly the late absconding of a certain b — . by the author of the weesils . london , printed in the year , mdcxci . the moralist . the argument of the first section . the pastor proves his case is good , the reasons much too strong to fall ; the moralist declares they should be plainer shown , or not at all . section . pastor . of all good works that tend to heavenly rest , and peace of souls , instruction is the best : and writing was by providence design'd , that blessing to distribute to mankind . thus none of ignorance can fairly plead , since those that cannot hear the truth , may read ; and if in childhood are in letters learn'd , the law 's so plain it needs must be discern'd . mor. the laws of truth we know should all be plain , no impious fallacy disturb the brain ; but be in th' bosom of the priesthood worn naked and innocent , as babes new born . church-writers should be just too in their station , and virtue teach without prevarication . the golden robe ne're should for pompous show , but sacrisice , before the altar bow ; pride should be routed , avarice expell'd , symony scorn'd , and lust of greatness kill'd : and when all this your work divine we see , you may pretend t' instruct the world and me. pastor . earths dazling joys , alas , your reason blinds , instruction is not proper for all minds . thistles and weeds upon the soyl are grown , your garden must be dug before 't is sown . you , that with shallow sophistry withstood those tenets i late offer'd for your good , can never of much fertile judgment boast , and so by consequence instruction's lost ; my reasons else had satisfied your doubt : moral . what sir , before you make your reasons out ? the world was ill-contented with your first , and to attone , your second are your worst . thus you , like horses floundring in the mire , by strugling are less able to retire : for till your reasons can to magick rise , our understandings charm , and seal our eyes ; till by your art you can our senses win , to think all dreams that we have heard and seen , some wise observers will ( you need not doubt ) detect , and make your contradictions out . past. those contradictions which you think extream , were only doctrins on a different theme , which duty , and a tender conscience too , oblig'd me at their different times to do . thus tho in former days the theme was plain , 't is wisely alter'd in the present raign . allegiance now must guide us what to do , moral . so reason then must not be reason now ; because the heavens have sent another k — the church of england is not the same thing , but must her tenets change in every case , to get her son a title , and a place : this is your theme , your zeal too springs from hence , more than your great allegiance to your prince . past. you might an inference more just have chose , nor ought to draw conclusions from suppose , which since all false — an obvious proof must be , of your absurd defect in loyalty . did you your monarch's cause and country's take , you 'd then believe i swore for conscience-sake . moral . no more than i believe at the church-door , all that is gather'd , given to the poor . and yet with humble heart , and soul sincere , the easie yoke i , of subjection wear . still wish our soveraign's glory more sublime , and that his happy days may out-last time. my country too i wish a happy chance , and to crown all , a conquest over france . nor do i in despite , or mov'd with spleen , against your reverend order use my pen ; in base contempt , or as by hell inspir'd , to make your sacred function less admir'd ; but only rally what i read of late , and which you since so weakly vindicate . and as it is your province to expose , and swinge our vices with spiritual blows : to lash the atheist for his non adoring , and the whole town for drinking and for whoring . so where i find a hypocrite in black , that does not his own preaching councel take , neglecting duty , idly wast the day amongst the sons of vice in wine and play ; or if i find out one that in pretence of doctrin , shall impose upon my sense ; help'd by fallacious arguments , make out things that are false , and leave my soul in doubt ; affirm sound systems of divinity , and e're three years are past the same deny ; only to such its rage my satyr shows , to all the rest with humblest duty bows . past. through the thin veil of your discourse i see , that you particularly aim at me . my conscience is the butt at which you shoot , and my late writings urge you to dispute : possest with malice which the crowd does sway , you cry me down before my cause you weigh . my reasons else could vanquish any one , moral . your reasons , what ? for writing pro and con ? for altering former scrolls in later days , and preaching on one text two different ways ? these are the reasons that you shou'd have shown , and not for swearing , that 's already known . past. my vindication then you think a fault ; moral . faith it 's so dull , it is not worth my thought . you by the town were counted weak before , for giving any reasons why you swore . and whosoe're bad reasons worse de●ends , rather than gain , does often lose his friends . past. did you find nothing there that could surprize ? moral . yes , twenty thousand strong tautologies , to make the treatise swell to twelve pence price . the convocation-book to atoms torn , the case 'twixt princes made , and princes born ; with jaddus , jehu , joash , athaliah ; extend the utmost bounds of your sophia . past. what you think sophistry in my intent , is proper to the rules of argument : for if we history should cease to quote , to vindicate the passages we wrote : our propositions would be ne're approv'd , and less the reader 's understanding mov'd . moral . for all your quoting and industrious pain , i find your writing not a jot more plain ; unless you would our approbations raise , for torturing one poor word ten thousand ways : as lately you have us'd the convocation , past. that secret should be publick to the nation . that more than sacred book first made me wise , reliev'd my conscience , and unseal'd my eyes ; inform'd my soul what i before ne're heard , and taught my feet the path to be preferr'd : instructed , and with influence divine , from fortune's ills secur'd both me and mine . this caus'd my reverence of it , besides fames extollment , and the credit of king j — . who took peculiar notice of the matter , as i have quoted from the * observator . from which fam'd piece my first good hint did come ; moral . you might as well have had it from tom thumb . past. thus when ill arguers in topics fail , the humour turns , and they begin to rail . moral . no , i can rather laugh at what you say , and your quotation with derision pay . he that can slip so many authors o're , so fam'd for controversies learned power ; who reason to her highest throne do lift , to stoop so low and make so poor a sbift : as well may scribble in the second place , the legend of the scots from chevy-chase ; or through the world the business of each state , from the mean trifling heads of a gazett . past. your criticisms i oft have weigh'd before , but can have patience ; pray go on , what more ? mor. the next that from my spleen did laughter draw , is your ridiculous jargon about law ; as for example , legal powers declare , that powers with law-concurring legal are : but then there are strange different kinds of law , which not confirm'd , whoever legal saw : and when we speak of law and legal powers , unless we know what law that law assures . we never shall from thence conclusions draw , nor judge of legal powers from powerful law. past. as you have made i● , 't is strange stuff indeed , you 've quite exchang'd my flower , and brought a weed . mor. if with this sense you think to baffle ours , and your tautologies must pass for flowers , ' take this as from a friend , where e're they grew , t is the worst nose-gay e're deck'd your pew . past. true controversie in each line appears , and every paragraph sound judgment bears . there are more notions then the case does need ; mor. 't is true , much more then any one will read : unless he 'll sit six hours to doze and pore , and be as wise just as he was before . for in opinion almost all the nation agree , it ne're was writ for confutation ; but for the profit as the sale begins , to make your court , and treat your spouse with pins . past. your railery turns spite and nonsense now , that i can argue , all the town allow . and tho my logick bears too deep a sense , it will confound , if it can ne're convince : dispute's a gem to which i 've long pretended , mor. defending too , what cannot be defended , is equally your talent ; for let him that e're had sense and reason in esteem turn o're the pages , and observe each place , 'twixt your allegiance and resistance-case . and let me be the idiot of the nation , if e're he thinks 't is fit for vindication . past. always one tone is an ungrateful hearing . mor. t is this i strike at , i ne're mind your swearing . past. already i have stated plain my case , i wrote according to the time's distress ; perhaps my judgment was erroneous too . mor. right , and perhaps it is erroneous now : our souls mean while are in a happy station , to fix on what you preach for our salvation ; the canons of our church too well are known , tenets and methods are too plain set down , to cause mistakes in a fair shiny day in him , who long has travell'd the same way ; and if base int'rest like a cloud comes on to shade that light which like a planet shone : the case is obvious , and must be thought not as the doctrin's , but the doctor 's fault . past. self-preservation the great law of nature , gives us a fair excuse upon this matter , which at all seasons will not let us do , nor write the things we yet confess are true . moral . how much beyond you were the ancients then ; when th' sacred priesthood , those immortal men , rather than from their pious morals swerve , would die a thousand deaths , burn , hang and starve , firm conscience trusting in their great creator , thought preservation the worst law of nature ; but some of you think to attone for sins , you must your selves indulge , and save your skins : let 's please our selves , ye cry , whilst we 're alive , t is our best moral to submit and thrive . past. tho 'mongst the famous ancients some there were that did their martyrdom with glory bear ; tho some disdain'd a king or conquerors frown , others there were that did allegiance own , and like me to submit , themselves dispose , when e're they found 't was senseless to oppose . so jaddus in his pontisicial robe , the conqueror having half subdu'd the globe , his glittering mitre veil'd , and homage paid , nor more his late unhappy prince obey'd ; but worship gave , as all the rest had done , like a true persian to the rising sun. mor. tho with the brave that gain'd but small esteem , the case is somewhat more excus'd in him ; since in a vision at his time of need th' almighty told him how he should proceed : sacred decree ! the action did allow , and providence in whispers taught him how , from whose commands obedience right he knew . did any saint descend to whisper you ? past. tho angels mix not with our human life , yet i had whispers too . mor. from whom ? past. my wife ; sweet as when beauty did at first appear , a thousand charms were sounding in my ear ; her close endearments all my senses fir'd . her tongue , her touch , her every part inspir'd ; nor could i cease , but must in judgment joyn , crying , ah love , my sense and soul is thine ! mor. and so this fondness and uxorious passion produc'd your reasons first , then vindication : hot blood in nonage of our time may rage , but should methinks be calmer at your age ; for sure a man of learning and of wit , that had been bred at wise gamaliel's feet , should well have weigh'd the censure of the town oh his first error , e're a second shown ; and not in tedious prose unprofitable , fit only to amuse and dose the rabble ; publish a jest to all the men of sense , and ban●●● those it never can convince . the wise theologist half angry now , was answering sharply , when the maid below inform'd him in the room that 's next the street rogers staid for him to correct a sheet ; the bus'ness of importance well he knew , and from his teizing disputant withdrew : but how the rest o' th' the argument went on , in the next section shall at large be shown . the end of the first section . the moralist . the argument of the second section . the pastor whips the vicious age , and to a pious life directs ; the moralist diverts his rage , and th' errors blames of differing sects . section ii. and now the disputant with speed return'd , whilst glowing rage within his bosom burn'd , which tho he stifled to appear more wise , the strugling flame yet sparkled through his eyes ; perplex'd to see his blunt antagonist against him thus in argument persist ; and now perceiving that he had mistook the text , in vindication of his book , thought it the wisest way to shift the scene , and tune his mazor on another strain , t' attack his opposite ; and thus begins to discipline with pious rage his sins . past. in coveting the name of moralist , your mean thoughts of the priesthood is express'd , partly through ignorance , and partly pride , your own opinion excels all beside ; and tho' 't is rather atheistical , then tends to true morality at all , since you usurp that title for no cause but thoughts that in our doctrin you find flaws , which though is as erroneous as your sense , and th' wise or pious never can convince ; yet the bare name you think will win the day , and the weak judgment of the vulgar sway , whilst the mean time 't is only a disguise , to cover ( to the church ) your prejudice . mor. you vainly now your breath in error waste , i have no prejudice , tho some distaste , receiv'd from some opinions lately found , whence i perceive you daily losing ground : to stick to morals then most safe must be , when pastors juggle with divinity . past. what you call jugling is no worse offence , then that our doctrin does not suit your sense ; vice in your depraved hearts so rooted is , that even despairing of eternal bliss : to carp at trifles you take each occasion , and th' only reason is your reprobation ; and tho upon a title you insist , and guild the atheist with the moralist ; were your offences throughly understood , i doubt there 's little room for moral good. mor. kind charity becomes a churchman still . past. and too much , gives encouragement to ill ; 't is oft our charity that whets your spite , and makes you think that we our duty slight ; unhappy times ! when such as scarce are fit to be call'd men , brutish , and grown degenerate with sin , so learn'd in all hell's catalogue of ills , that no new mischief can corrupt their wills , should purge our souls , and teach the priesthood grace , when in their own no goodness e're took place , and if i said were reprobate , 't is true . mor. and reprobate they may be still for you , conversion lately takes so slow a course , they have no will , and what you teach no , force ; the fault is somewhere , you are learn'd and wise , your cause so good it cannot want disguise , general your knowledg , and your method rare , and have the knack of preaching to a hair ; and yet 't is thought by more than half the nation , that you have lately lost some reputation . past. some few ill-wishers to the government , that shew their spite . mor. no , something else is meant ; their common interest that thought controwls , it must be something that concerns their souls . past. the care of souls claim'd my serenest thought , whom with my utmost skill and sense i taught ; nor surely was my labour ill bestow'd , since to salvation is one common road , where when morality does trudge along , faith and good works can never guide us wrong ; this daily was my theme , this still i teach , this text with candor and good conscience preach , and by this tenet all that err convince . mor. but will you hold this tenet three years hence ? if heaven thought fit to make a change again , would you not waver in another reign ? as late you have ( 't is thought ) from th' churches rules , for interest sake , and to confirm us fools , who to your principles did altars raise , and eccho'd what you taught in former days . past. my judgment in the function of a priest takes off desire of worldly interest ; a simple plainness , and a soul sincere in my converse and well-spent life appear ; the vulgar talk indeed of my great hopes , of myter'd crowns and pontificial copes , as if my best celestial thoughts could prize the gilded trash of sublunary joys ; but dimly do their eyes my heart behold , or see my scorn of wealth , my hate of gold ; and till my pen has fix'd me in this state , 't is vile to say it does prevaricate ; let me the honour , e're they rail , receive , when it does happen i can give 'em leave . mor. 't is thought indeed you aim at dignity . past. meer spight , i find your aim is not at me alone , but at our whole fraternity . mor. you know i have denied that once before , my satyr lashes none because they swore , but as i sound base gain their senses lead , for that convine'd , more than the book you read ; the sacred sons of true divinity untouch'd , shall always be rever'd by me ; but where i with a pamper'd dielate meet , contriving treason without fear or wit , that to promote rebellion shall be drawn , and in the nations ruin stain his lawn ; that shall pretend the apostles to succeed , yet follow 'em in no one vertuous deed , in prayer unweildy , and too fat to preach , neglect his function politicks to teach , state-butcher turn , endeavouring all he could his hapless country to involve in blood. a reverend hypocrite , whose sighs and tears , staining the awful sacred robe he wears , as perjur'd sinon the trojans did of old , poys'ning the crowd with hopes of fame and gold , shall wish his country to a tyrant sold. when such a sanctity in masqacrade is found , and to the nation publick made , the ephod , and the sattin , ●hat before adorn'd the fiend , shall be in pieces tore ; whilst o're his head its lash the satyr rears , and th' abus'd crosier breaks about his ears . pastor . where such you find , your worst abuse is right . moral . or where i see a canti●● , hypocrite , with whites of eyes turn'd up , and s●eaking tone , haing and humming like a bag-pipe drone , that nonsence shall for three long hours rehearse , and divine worship turn into a farce . that shall like b — gis in the pulpit say , where are my pretty ladies all to day ; in bed i warrant , sluggards as they are ; oh fie upon 't , would i were with 'em there , i 'd read a lecture should their zeal renew , and make them mind the church more than they do . then round the room , his gogling eye-balls throw , whilst stiff devotion warms him from below . monsters like this who can forbear to hate , or if i sind 'em meddling in the state , and steepled churches to their tribe run down ; because the houses were they cant have none : offend true doctrine with malicious harm , and rail at orthodox religious form ; contemn the law , and the church liturgy call by the hated name of popery , and by the curse of stubborn will increase vile faction , and disturb the publick peace , till ruine does their native land o'reflow , and private fewds ingenders common woe ; on such as these the lash should reach the blood. past. 't is equal reason , and i own it should . moral . or if i see a crew of sullen brutes , in wisdom idiots , and in action mutes ; that ne're can vent abhorrency of sin , till the spirit first is conjur'd from within ; but being mov'd with horrid tone shall gabble , and with incongruous stuff amuse the rabble ; for simple plainness greedy to be priz'd , tho nothing else but villany disguis'd , and sneaking phiz by nature stigmatiz'd . for should court honour send her proud command , or profit beckon with her golden hand ; the groaning saint straightway a fiend appears , and hells broad mark upon his forehead wears , almighty gain his reason does trapan , gain charms both inward and the outward man ; and honesty is always valued best , when most concurring with their interest : interest the supream blessing of their souls , that even the joys of providence controuls , provokes the spirit , rarifies the sence , enlightens some , and others does convince ; for this they cheat , lye , snuffle , pray and cant , this hour act belial , and the next a saint ; to lash this tribe heaven does my muse inspire , and moral justice knots the vvhip with vvire ; for tho religion is sincere and plain , their comick methods are absurd and vain . past. all this is right , and praises should belong to such sound truths , if from another tongue ; but who instruction can from you receive , that weighs well how licentiously you live ; your erring soul o'regrown with vanity , ruin'd , does like unweeded gardens lye , choak'd with impiety and rank offence , the tares once sown were never weeded thence ; what vice is extant that you have not known ? whose crimes more vile and numerous than your own : in all the deadly catalogue , who e're with weighty sins had burdens more severe ; how then without a blush , a lasting red , our little venial crimes can you upbraid ? which seem , if with your own you them display , but as a drop of water to the sea. moral . i own the errors of my human nature , and know some of your tribe are little better ; only your envy , avarice , and pride , under the black robe you may better hide , and open crimes have still a less degree , than those hid under base hypocrisy . past. then you believe your self a moralist . moral . that i pretend to 't shall appear in this , justice and honour with regard i prize , and virtues laws have still before my eyes ; and tho offences cannot be withstood by the frail government of flesh and blood , yet reason daily glittering in my sight , still makes me take in folly less delight . i would not wrong my neighbour of his coin , nor with the tyrant in oppression joyn ; th' unhappy poor i would not rudely treat , nor let vain pride affront the man of wit. pursue my foe with an unmanly hate , nor to be great , be factious in the state ; rebellious tenets too i would not try , nor swear to things i could not justifie : my oath as sacred to my soul should be , as my devotion to the deity ; and since regard which to my soul is due , must principally be consider'd too , to my creator with an awful care , i would confess my sins , and pay my prayer ; reflect on the srail bliss of mortal station , and never seek by proxy for salvation . humanity is frail , your sacred gown in all obedience i allow and own ; revere the morals of the pious sort , and take their counsels with a thankful heart , but since the general error of mankind , as well your tribe , as ours , may chance to blind , since you but weakly can your selves desend from vices , which you dayly reprehend ; i must believe an interest may be made in heaven , and souls be sav'd without your aid . past. without all scruple , moral vertue is a great step to the souls immortal bliss ; but why you should believe our help to bring you there , is an unnecessary thing , i can't imagine , if you don't confess , 't is done to make the priesthoods fame the less , for when by heavens decree , priests first were made , 't was doubtless thought , some souls might want their aid . moral . the brood of priests first were of aarons strain , their sence refin'd , their doctrines wise , and plain , a soul might reach seraphical degree , without being banter'd by sly sophistry . what once they preach'd was orthodox they knew , no convocations lack'd to prove it true , but solid reason guiding their designs , instructed all and made 'em true divines . past. are they less skilful then , in these our days ? moral . yes , if 't is true . what half the nation says . past. the people still have some by-ends for railing , some other sect that hopes to be prevailing , in expectation to exalt their own , unite their force to throw our fabrick down ; which yet will hardly fall at their command , some pillars yet have strength enough to stand ; and the high building firmly will sustain , spite of the power that would the conquest gain . of jarrs , and civil strife , this is the cause , 't is this our country to its ruine draws ; moral . if th' church occasions this intestine rout. pray grant me then , to save my soul without , if from your tribe , instead of righteous peace , curs'd feuds and animosities increase ; if still about your worship , and your forms , the tortur'd nation is involv'd in harms ; and proud preheminence is still the thing , that to us all does this confusion bring ; which tho it shews much malice , and more pride , the jarring party never can decide , i think to stick to true morality , as precious a soul-saving grace must be : and i , as soon to heaven , may find my way , as if i fram'd my heaven from what you say . for doctrine oftentimes erroneous is ; faith and good works are certain rules to bliss . past. your argument , because it looks like sense , may tempt the rabble , and much ill commence ; and atheistical opinions be , drawn from your tenets of morality . for if the people , what you say , should own , 't would be a means to cry our function down : thus he that stiles himself a moralist , will vilely think he does not need a priest , and argue why our stipends he should pay , since he to heaven has found an easier way . moral . to hinder that , take heed still what you do , look what you preach , and what you write , be true . be not to pride nor avarice inclin'd , but give a good example to mankind ; consider you are always look'd upon with more regard than any other man , and any vices that appear in you , look much more horrid than in us they do . but above all , write less ; yet if you cant forbear , tho now you no such profit want , for our instruction , henceforth , use your pen , and if you 'd rank amongst the prudent men , ne're try to vindicate your last agen . postscript is only necessary , at present , to let the reader know , that tho the moralist makes bold to censure a certain learned and religious pastor , for wasting his precious time , about the worst piece of work ( as most people believe ) that ever he took in hand , yet i must inform him , it was not the only reason for setting his morals against the others arguments ; nor , indeed , could that alone , give cause enough for the solid design of morality , tho it might , for matter of dispute and argument . but to deal genuinely , there was a double reason for writing this satyr , first meeting with the vindication of some logical , divine , and historical tracts , at first ill enough stated , and then worse resolv'd , especially by leaving the main matter unanswered , of which that author is principally accus'd , viz. the reconciling the case of resistance with the case of allegiance . and in the second place , having the misfortune , lately , to observe some , who pretend to be sons of the church of england , so negligent of their duty , and careless of their great office , that they are rather sit to be exposed as scandals to their holy mother , than to serve at her altars ; particularly one , that i am sure will find himself out when he views this page , and whom i could uncase like a rabbet , and shew his hypocrisie bare and naked to the world , if the respect i had for some others of the reverend , and the coat in general , did not , through good manners , hinder my intentions , for where i am sensible that a preacher abounds in malice , detraction , pride , lust , and hipocrisie , 't is very difficult for me , that profess my self a satyrist , and know my self wrong'd , to spare him upon the account of good breeding , or think him a good teacher of the congregation , in general ; that i , as well as others , have observ'd to make a whole sermon for no other purpose but to influence a pretty young gentlewoman how necessary it was for her souls salvation to cleave to him and his feeling doctrine . now what the rest of his flock had to do with his amours , i leave the reader to judge , who i know will only laugh as the lady did to see him make his grimaces , and tell an out-of-the-way story , so little satisfactory to the people , and so very insignificant to her . i confess , i cannot well follow that toping country vicars advice , who bid me not do as he did , but do as he taught . for my own part , i love a good example , and such , to the great disgrace of the church , 't is believ'd , have been very much wanted of late ; those that do show it , are not concern'd here , i 'm sure , and those that do not , 't is reason should have a gentle reprimand , for 't is that which causes our enemies to get so much ground , and makes religion so little esteem'd ; and 't is this chiefly , not malice nor impiety , that has drawn this from the pen of the moralist . finis . notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a -e * vid. vind. page . vid. vind. page . vid. vind. page . the salamanca wedding, or, a true account of a swearing doctor's marriage with a muggletonian widow in breadstreet london, august th, : in a letter to a gentleman in the country. brown, thomas, - . approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; 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ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf- unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p , characters represented either as utf- unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng oates, titus, - -- caricatures and cartoons. - tcp assigned for keying and markup - spi global keyed and coded from proquest page images - jonathan blaney sampled and proofread - jonathan blaney text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion the salamanca wedding : or , a true account of a swearing doctor 's marriage with a muggletonian widow in breadstreet . london , august th . . in a letter to a gentleman in the country . sir , the only news of importance i have to communicate to you at present , is , that the famous and never-to-be-forgotten dr. o — t s was married the beginning of this week . you know , for a person of his constitution , that always expressed , and perhaps inherited an aversion to the fair sex ; and ●esides , had found out a back door to bestow his 〈◊〉 and strength elsewhere , 〈◊〉 himself at last to the and duties of matrimony , is as unnatural 〈◊〉 unexpected a change as for an old miser to turn prodigal ; and this perhaps was the surprising revolution which most of our almanacks both at home and abroad threatned us with in the month of august . i remember i happened to be at garraway's , when a gentleman came in , and told us the news . immediately all other discourse ceased , east-india actions , the price of pepper , and rising of currants ; not a word of our army in flanders , or the seige of belgrade , the turky fleet , and the battle at landen were not mentioned in two hours after . nay , the duke of savoy , who is now working miracles for us in piedmont , was wholly laid aside . every body stood amazed , and it was a considerable time before they could recover themselves out of this astonishment . at last , an old gentleman at the upper end of the table , broke the silence , and made himself and the company very merry at the doctor 's expence . says he , i remember i have somewhere read , that when erasmus heard that martin luther , of blessed memory ; was married , he should say in a j●sting manner , that if , according to the old tradition , antichrist was to be got between a monk and a nun , the world was now in a fair way to have a litter of the sort . not that i would by any means ( continues he ) apply this story to the doctor , for god forbid that we should ever live to see a brood of sucking antichrists come out of the doctor 's loyns . my meaning is only this , that since the saviour of the nation has joyned his saving faculty with a damming talent ( for you are to understand his lady is a muggletonian , and those people pretend to have the power of damnation ) we may now expect to see a motley race of half saviours and half dammers . hold you there , crys another gentleman , you ought to have said half dammers and half saviours ; for since the mother's is the surest side , if the doctor lives to have children , they 'll damm in all likelihood before they 'll save . the doctor ( as i have been acquainted by several of his intimate friends ) had two reasons to incline him to marry in his old age. the first was his great grief and concern to see the noble army of evidences defeated , bedlow , dugdale and dangerfield , sleeping with their fathers ; viz. the witnesses that swore against sus●nna , and those that stoned st. stephen . fuller , who with good management , would have made a clever fellow , buried alive in a prison , etcoetera young , his virtuous companion , routed , past all hopes of rallying . others , at the sight of a pillory , or whipp●ng-post , utter●y discountenanc'd , and ashamed of their profession . so the doctor finding the whole hopes of the family of evidences centring in himself , and that if due care were not taken the species would be intirely lost , resolved , as far as in him lay , to prevent its utter extinction , and to raise up seed to the popish plot himself . in the second place , the doctor was touched in conscience for some juvenile gambols that shall be nameless . it seems , though he had quitted the other corruptions of popery , yet he still fancied cardinalism . now all the world knows conscience is a sad terrible thing . what says the doctor 's friend st. austin ? why , conscientia mille testes , conscience is a thousand witnesses . is it therefore to be admited if the doctor , who , make the be●● of him , is but one single witness , and scarce that , sound himself forced to yeild to a thousand ? so then , as i said before , his conscience perpetually alarming and disturbing him , the doctor at last , merely for his own ease and quiet , made a vow to sow his wild oats , and not to hide the talent which god had plentifully given him , in an italian napkin . no sooner was this pious resolution communicated to his friends , who were mightily pleased at the news , but they looked out sharp to find him a proper yoke-fellow . it was represented to him that a maid was by no means for his turn , the d. was fat and pursy , a maidenhead was not to be got with out much drudging for't ; and besides 't was now just the dog days , and who knew but the d. reins might receive great damage in case of a violent encounter . at last an independent minister advised him to mrs. margaret w — of breadstreet ( whose former husband was a muggletonian , and she continued of the same perswasion ) urging this argument in her behalf , that in her the d. might have open and free ingress , egress and regress as oft as he pleased , that as he might enjoy her without the sweat of , so he might eternally live with her without the least peril of his brows , she being no charmer , and consequently would not equip him with a pair of horns , which he knew the d. abominated , as being marks of the beast , and all together popish . the d. liked the proposal , and at the first interview , was so extremely smitten with the gravity and goodness of her person , that he could neither eat ( which was much ) nor drink ( which was more ) till the business was concluded . a comical passage happen'd at the commons , which i think very well worth the sending to you . the d. going thither for a license , two scurvey questions were asked him . the first was , whether he would have a license to marry a boy or a girl ; the second whether he would have a license for behind or before . at this the d. lost all patience , held up his cane , and thundered out you raskal as thick as hops , till upon the proctor's crying pecavi , the sky cleared up again . the articles of marriage were as follows . imprimis , the d. promises in verbo sacerdotis , to keep ne're a male servant in his house under sixty , and to hang up the picture of the destruction of sodom in his bed-chamber ad reficandam memoriam , and to teach his children to swear as soon as they can speak , item , the d. promises that he will never offer to attack either in bed , or couch , jointstool , or table , the body of the aforesaid mrs. margaret w — à parte post , but to comfort , refresh , and relieve her à parte ante , giving the aforesaid mrs. margaret w — in case he offends after that manner , full leave to make her self amends before , as she pleases ; as also upon a second trespass , to burn his peacemaker . however with this proviso , that whenever the aforesaid mrs. margaret w — happens to be under the dominion of the moon , that is to say , whenever it is term-time with the aforesaid mrs. margaret w — then the abovementioned d. shall have full power , liberty and authority ●o enter the westminster-hall of her body at which door he pleases . this last clause was not obtained till after a stiff dispute on the d's part , who threatned to break off if it were denied him . the other articles a● less considerable , i pass over , to come to the main business in hand , the marriage . on the th of this present august the dr. was new washed and trimmed , with a large sacerdotal rose in his 〈◊〉 ▪ and all his other clergy ●●●page , came to the house of an anabaptist 〈◊〉 in the city ▪ where in 〈…〉 of a numerous a●sembly , consisting of all 〈◊〉 divisions , and sub-divisions of protestants , he was married to 〈◊〉 . margaret w — the d. was observed to be very merry all dinner time , 〈…〉 of his face , meaning his chin , moved 〈◊〉 . there stood 〈…〉 against him a mighty surloin of beef , to which he sh●wed 〈…〉 to the 〈◊〉 in the reign of the p●●t . after dinner six fifth monarch-men , larded with as many ranters danced a spiritual jig , and a dozen sweet-singers of israel employed their melodious qu●il-pipes all the while . but madam salamanca ( for so we m●st now ca●l her ) seemed not to be much affected with this diversion , but looked very disconsolate and melancholly . one of the sisterhood asked her why on a day of rejoycing she expressed so much sorrow in her looks ? to which madam o. after two or three deep sighs , answered , that she very much doubted ( like the staffordshire miller that m●unted king charles after worcester fight upon one of his sorry horses ) whether she should be able to bear the weight of the saviour of three nations . thus the time was agreeably spent till ten , at which time a bell rung to prayers , and afterwards ( his spouse , after the landable custom of england having gone before ) the d. resolutely marched towards the place of execution . there was no sack posset , nor throwing of stockings , both those ceremonies being judged to be superstituous , and things of mere human invention . the bed continued in a trembling fit most part of the night , which i suppose occasioned the report of an earthquake , which the next neighbours said they felt that 〈◊〉 night . 't is not doubted but the d. behaved himself with great gallantry , 〈◊〉 madam o. told her midwife that is to be , that the d. fought out all his ●●inger , and she already begins to puke , and be out of order , like women in a breeding condition . an astrologer 〈◊〉 morefield , having been consulted upon this occasion , has prophesied it will prove a boy , which makes the d. take up all the hebrew genealogies in the old testament , to find out a pat name for him . finis . london , printed in the year . heraclitus ridens redivivus, or, a dialogue between harry and roger concerning the times brown, thomas, - . approx. kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from -bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : - (eebo-tcp phase ). a wing b estc r ocm this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons . universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase , no. a ) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set ) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, - ; : ) heraclitus ridens redivivus, or, a dialogue between harry and roger concerning the times brown, thomas, - . p. [s.n.], oxford : . l'estrange is "represented as confessing to his pamphleteering rival henry care ... a sense of remorse for his assaults on the dissenters." cf. dnb. caption title. written by thomas brown. cf. dnb. imprint rom colophon. created by converting tcp files to tei p using tcp tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between and available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the , texts created during phase of the project have been released into the public domain as of january . anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. % (or pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf- unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p , characters represented either as utf- unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng l'estrange, roger, -- sir, - . care, henry, - . - tcp assigned for keying and markup - apex covantage keyed and coded from proquest page images - mona logarbo sampled and proofread - mona logarbo text and markup reviewed and edited - pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion heraclitus ridens redivivus : or , a dialogue between harry and roger , concerning the times . qui semel verecundiae fines transierint , eos oportet gnaviter esse impudentes . cicero . harry . oh sir , i am glad to see you : what anno aetatis suae . and yet so brave and lusty ? having not of late seen any thing from you , i was afraid that the difficulty of finding out self-murderer , had tempted you to make upon your self some fatal experiment ; like the philosopher , when he could not solve the motion of the sea , threw himself into it . roger. i must confess , harry , i have been of late ( but much against my inclinations ) very useless ; my talent and the present current of affairs are diametrically opposite : had the church of england men been our own , i could have run divisions upon the dissenters ad infinitum ; i would have proved them a pack of rebels for a whole century ; i would have made the last to be of a plece with this ; and the invincible armada should have been believed to be no more than a phanatick conspiracy . har. nay the dissenters are not at this time to be provoked . rog. that i am very sensible of , and therefore i have endeavoured all i could to bring my self to speak for them ; but i find i do it so aukwardly , that you would as soon cure the rickets in one of my age , as bring any thing of mine into shape that pleads for them : my answer to the letter to a dissenter , i hope , was an ample specimen of my good will ; bút my wit lay so much the other way , that my answer was looked upon to be the worst of the four and twenty ; besides my printing of the letter at large , made me in danger to be brought in as a disperser of the libel . har. i must tell you , sir roger , that answer with some other late writings of yours , has a little atton'd for your old sins ; and tho the dissenters do not look upon you as their best friend ; yet it has in some measure allayed the enmity between them and the serpent . rog. now you put me in mind . i think i have given the dissenters in some of my last observators a very pleasing farewel : if i be not mistaken , i spoke notable things for the toleration ; and were it not for the reproach of self-contradiction , i could have said twenty times as much . har. what need you fear self-contradiction so much ? cannot you say , that upon a change of circumstances , a man may likewise vary his judgment as to toleration , with a respect to hic & nunc ; [ r. l's . answer to the letter to a dissenter , p. . ] and what was abominable in one reign , may be law and gospel in another ? rog. you speak right ; to alter one's opinion , tho at threescore and twelve , i think , is no very great blemish : but i that have so often challeng'd the world to discover two clashing sentences in all my writings ; that have carried my matters always so even , that to discover one flaw in me , was as difficult as to find out sir edmund-bury-godfrey's murther : for me to speak home for toleration , would make it a harder task , to find an agreement between my works , than it would be to reconcile the two churches . har. what is 't you have so unluckily said , that will make it so heinous in you to write for toleration ? rog. o i have spoke against the dissenters such hard words , that now i could willingly eat them ; but withal they are so full of gall and bitterness , that should i swallow them , they were in danger to come up again . har. 't is but gilding them then , sir roger ; a sew , presents from the dissenting party , i suppose , will make 'em run down easily : but what are these cutting expressions ? rog. why among other things , i have said , that liberty of conscience was a paradox against law , reason , nature and religion : [ obs. vol. . numb . ● . ] and should i now unsay all this , the wags would make such work with me , as i formerly did with richard and baxter . har. have you never an old distinction then left to help you out at a dead lift ? i remember when i had occasion to consult your writings , distinguishing was the best part of your talent . rog. that you must know i have already attempted , when i perceived that an indulgence was a brewing ; i thought it was high time for me to draw back , and pull in my horns ; and therefore i immediately fell to work ; and split the hair . i artificially divided an indulgence , into an indulgence granted and an indulgence taken ; into an indulgence that shall owe it self to the favour of the prince , and an indulgence that shall be got by the importunities of the people : [ observ. vol. . numb . . ] by thus nicely distinguishing the matter , i was in hopes to rescue the present toleration from the stroaks of my former animadversions ; and in my answer to the letter to a dissenter , my telling the dissenters that the declaration of indulgence ran to them , and not they to the declaration , [ answ. to the letter , p. . ] i think was a full comment upon the text as it stands thus divided . har. methinks , sir roger , this distinction is very ridiculous , and i can compare it to nothing more , than to a decree of the council of constance , which , i remember ever since i writ my pacquet , runs thus : upon the debate about the communion in one kind , it was ordered , that when the laity desired the cup , it was by all means to be denied them ; but if they would submit to the non obstante to our saviour's institution , and not desire it ; then they might be allowed to partake of it : so that , ask and ye shall receive , it seems is a rule that will by no means hold in the case of toleration . rog. i must confess i was there hard put to it , and you may be sure , that 't was not willingly that i took my leave so abruptly of the observator , and went trailing , like a blood hound , after the murder of sir e. b. g. har. let murder alone , when all comes to all , 't is but saying that he was a heretick , and then killing you know is no murder . our business must now be to get off the penal laws . rog. penal laws ! had my endeavours succeeded , they should have been kept up to the end of the chapter , ay and as tight too as any fiddle-string : cou'd i but have brought over the church of england men , our business had been done ; and i think i drew as good a scheme for accommodation , as ever cassander did , or the bishop of spalato : had that project took , the penal laws wou'd have been as useful to us as the inquisition ; and then i had boldly affirmed , that neither the church of england , nor the members of the church of rome , cou'd be joyn'd in a toleration with the phanaticks , but with the certain ruin of both . [ obs. vol. . num. . ] har. these church of england men are very obstinate . rog. ay , and perverse too ; insomuch that you would as soon perswade the pope to part with the franchises , as bring them to pray to the people in an unknown tongue . t'other day a friend of ours ( i suppose after reading my project of accommodation ) asked a church-man ; in case the church of rome should give up transubstantiation , what would the church of england part with in order to a reconciliation : and what dost think the church-man offered in exchange ? har. why , the nine and thirty articles , i suppose . rog. i protest only passive obedience ; and i wou'd no more take that principle from them ; than i wou'd unshackle a mad-man . passive valor is a virtue i love in an enemy ; and 't is as necessa y for our preservation that they hold this doctrin , as 't is for the grand seignior that a bassa believes that of fatality , when he is to undergo the disclpline of the bow-string . har. i give the church of england men for lost ; and therefore for my part , my province shall be to gain the dissenters , i think the wind blows fairest from that side . rog. prithee , harry , how cam'st thee to be either beloved by the papists , or believed by the dissenters ? i am sure you have spoke as severe things of the papists , as ever i did of the phanaticks , and yet by a sudden turn you are become as gracious , as if you were a convert of some considerable standing . har. i perceive you don 't understand the virtue of holy water ; this powerful sprinkling will immediately restore a man to the state of innocence : had adam but known this easie receipt , he would never have been at the expence of fig-leaves . you must know i have all my old sins forgiven me , and i am now as clean as if i had been over head and ears in iordan . rog. but all thy washing will not clear thy contradictions ; thy pacquet of advice and the weekly occurrences are as opposite as fire and water ; and i wonder how thou canst so shamefully prevaricate , without one single blush to alter thy complexion . when i was press'd hard with my former opinions , i set off the false coin with some plausible varnish , and alwaies distinguished where i could not sairly deny , but thou wou'dst fain cheat even in spite of daylight ; thy juggle is so easily detected , that by thus openly publishing thy shame ; one wou'd think this task was given thee , not so much that thy masters had need of thy pains , as to oblige thee to a penance . har. puh , sir roger , you know words are wind , and why should one no more than t'other be tied to one point of the compass ; he that can turn and double upon a stage , is alwaies applauded for his performance ; and why may not a dexterous change of opinion be as much commended for the activity of the brain , as the other is for the agility of body . rog. in troth , harry , i must confess thy brain is of a very singular constitution , and thy late writings are such originals , that for my part , i think thou deservest to have a patent for scribling ; thou art of late the very darling of the papists , and thou carriest on the business of rome so vigorously , that i do not doubt in a short time to see thee secretary to the conclave . har. why , i believe i do them no small service with my occurrences ; i take from them the odium of persecuti●n , by fixing it upon the church of england ; i fill the peoples heads so full with penal laws , that there is no room left for the inquisition ; and if any one blabs about q. marys days , i immediately stop his mouth with the thirty fifth of elizabeth . rog. but you are very frugal in giving instances of the severitities of the church of england , not above one in a paper . har. you must know he that has not much butter , must spread it thin ; i must make the most of what i have , for i am afraid hereafter i am not like to have from that side any more examples : but if you observed , i manage matters to the best advantage : when once upon a time , there was taken from a quaker a warming-pan for the church dues ; i put in a notable innuendo , and hinted that 't was then cold weather ; what think you , may not that be called the warming-pan persecution ? rog. ay that was indeed hot and firy , to take a warming-pan from a quaker , was a little too unchristian , whom not only the season , but his religion obliged to frequent fits of shaking . har. and now you talk of your distinguishing , i think i have had lately a notable fetch that way too : when i had in one of my occurrences accused the clergy of london of cheating the poor of sion colledge , in keeping from them the charity of their founder . [ occur . numb . . ] and the malice and falshood of my accusation being unluckily published , i was hard put to it to avoid the charge of evil speaking , lying , and slandering ; therefore in my next paper i did protest , that in my former story , i did not intend to reflect upon the london clergy : [ occur . num. . ] so that here is the clergy of london , and the london clergy make up a very serviceable distinction . rog. your occurrences then i perceive are to insult over the church of england , and thereby to divert the papists and gain the dissenters . har. you are in the right on 't ; this church of england you know is our greatest obstacle ; it vexes me to think that an heretical church shou'd be by law established ; these laws are such unlucky ways of fortifying , that they stand more in our way than walls and bastions . could we but once level their works , you would not find it long before we fell to storming , and i think we have already made some considerable advances . rog. and do the dissenters come on kindly ? har. why truly some of them are pretty forward , and we favour them accordingly ; we do as the patriarch did of old , he that comes in first receives the blessing ; if they promise fairly , then we place them in convenient stations , we put them in such posts that are something for their honour , as well as for our use . rog. i must confess for my part , i am not for advancing the dissenters too much ; and tho i cannot but approve of their present behaviour , yet i am not for trusting them too far , for they are slippery creatures . har. trusting them quoth a ! why who does ? have you ever seen a dissenter at the head of a regiment ? have you ever heard that any of them was made lieutenant of the tower , or governour of a garrison ? the offices they are generally put into , are places of expence and not profit . if any of them has a mandat to be mayor or alderman of a town ; he is so precarious in his office , that he dares not make one false step upon pain of another regulation : and withal they commonly act in conjunction with papists ; so that they are no more than under-workmen , they are only employed , not trusted . rog. here is a dissenter coming ; i guess he comes to beg your assistance , harry , either to present an address , or to get a commission to regulate some stubborn corporation . he looks as if he had a spite to the tests and penal laws . har. let me alone , i 'll warrant you i manage him to advantage , and if i do not make him as rank a repealer as any is in england , i 'll forseit all the gain of my occurrences . rog. well i 'll take my leave of you ; and at our next meeting shall expect an account of your transactions , and in what forwardness affairs stand for a parliament . farewel . enter an honest dissenter . dissenter . gentlemen , i am sorry i have disturbed you , and that i should be the occasion of breaking up so choice and select a meeting . my business is only with you , harry , and not so urgent neither , but that i can retire , and call upon you at your leisure . harry . sir , you are heartily welcome , i am never so engaged , but that i am always ready to wait upon a person of your character . your's i am sure is publick business ; and since i have not of late seen your hand to an address , i doubt not but you come now at least some hundreds strong . diss. that is not at present my business . you must know , there is a small place in his majesties service lately fall'n vacant , which lies so conveniently in my neighbourhood , that as it may not be of such advantage to another , so no one perhaps can so easily attend the duty with so much diligence as my self ; and therefore since i am told , that now all offices are disposed of without distinction ; i hope by virtue of former acquaintance , i may beg your interest on my behalf . har. before i can appear your friend , you must answer me first to some few questions ; for no man must expect his reward , before he can say his catechism . will you , whenever there is a parliament call'd , endeavour to choose such men as will take off the tests and penal laws ? diss. what is the meaning of this ? har. you must know then , that no one is to be either promoted to , or continued in an office , who will not answer affirmatively to this question . diss. why this is encountring test with test , setting one nail to drive out another ; if a man be not qualified for an office but upon such conditions : you seem to set up as hard things as those you would have abrogated . for what is the difference between your obliging a man to abjure the test , and the laws requiring him to renounce transubstantiation ? but only this , that for my part i think renouncing transubstantiation to be the more innocent . har. there is a greater difference than you may imagin : for the declaration that is required by the law is a violence to a man's conscience ; 't is obliging him to renounce an article of his faith ; whereas the tests are matters purely political : they were promoted by a faction , and designed only to gratifie a party , which is pleased to call it self the church of england . diss. hold there , harry , these words are something too severe ; let me tell you , you cannot make the enacting of these laws to be the business of a faction , without putting the late king and his parliament at the very head on 't ; and it does not become you to speak so irreverently of a crowned head , thô it lies in ashes . but suppose a man shou'd believe in his conscience , that the tests are a great security to the protestant religion , and that the consequence of repealing them will be the introducing of popery ; ( as i must necessarily think of those many noble and worthy gentlemen , who lately lost their employments upon this very question ) is not the turning of such a one out of his office , which perhaps is his whole subsistence , for not consenting to repeal these tests , not only a privative , but according to your wise distinction , a positive inflicting of penalties on the score of conscience ? [ occur . numb . . ] for is not he that thinks his whole religion to be in danger , as much concerned in his conscience , as another that is so tender of one single article ? har. but these are groundless apprehensions : the protestant religion will be secure without these tests ; and i have over and over proved that they are but mud-walls . surely you have never seen my occurrences . diss. ay that i have , and at the same time that i could laugh at your jests , i was offended at your scurrilities : and now you put me in mind , i have seen your pacquet of advice from rome too : there i remember you say , that no mortal man can embrace or countenance the popish religion , but either a designing knave , or a cajol'd self-will'd fool. [ pacq. vol. . p. . ] now i cannot believe that you look upon either of these characters to be very honourable . har. i wou'd have the papists be admitted into offices as well as other subjects ; and they may sometimes happen to have better abilities to serve their king and country , than those that wou'd exclude them . [ occur . numb . . ] diss. certainly , harry , thou art made up either of knavery or forgetfulness ; thô i am afraid knavery is the chief ingredient in thy composition . have not you said in your pacquet , that you cou'd wish we were fairly rid of two and fifty thousand papists , and yet you believed , and durst undertake to prove the king should not lose one good subject by the bargain . [ pacq. vol. . p . ] har. you shou'd not so spitesully recollect my former opinions ; you shou'd consider not so much my old faults , as my present arguments ; and if my carriage at this time may make you entertain any hard thoughts of my person : thô you may not believe the man , yet i hope you will be convinced by his reasons . diss. why truly whenever i see a forehead of brass , i am apt to believe , that what is within is of no better mettal . to be always false and shifting , is methinks a temper so mean and creeping , so very like the race of the serpent , that to be overcome by such a one's insinuation , is not to be perswaded but betrayed . har. is it not unreasonable that the papists should be debarred of those priviledges and advantages which they are born to ? and since they are under an equal obligation of duty with other subjects , why should not they have the same right ? as 't is in other countries , where protestants and papists have an equal share in the government . [ occur . numb . ] diss. prithee shew me but one country where there are but four papists to one protestant , and the protestants allowed to enjoy equal priviledges with the papists : if this cannot be done , why then should the papists of our nation look upon it as unequal dealing in this government to keep them from offices , when their number is not as yet perhaps above one in two hundred ? unless they assume some extraordinary priviledges to their persons , as well as their religion ; and pretend that their very civil rights are catholick . har. but these test-laws are unjust : they set up an inquisition into mens thoughts , put their souls on the rack ; so that a papist must either starve or violate his conscience . [ ibid. ] diss. i perceive , harry , your compassion leans much on the popish side ; and you do not seem much concerned , whether a protestant dies in his bed , or on a dunghill , for if the loss of imployments be an infallible symptom of starving ; i am afraid there will be found of late more church of england men put into those uneasie circumstances , than there are papists of any note in the whole nation . and since you would perswade us , that the grand project is to employ all men equally , without any regard to their perswasions ; methinks it does not at all become you in policy , to give such early instances of partiality . har. are not there church of e●gland men preferred as well as other men ? do not you see them daily made deans , and bishops , &c. diss. so have i seen bulls and bears wear top-knots ; but i presume they would never have gone to the expence of adorning the brutes , were it not on purpose to expose the fashion . prithee , harry , there are knaves of all persuasions , and the church as well as the barn breeds vermin . har. why are you so much afraid of papists being put into publick employments ? i 'll assure you they are not such men as you doe imagine ; and whosoever says they are bloody and cruel , foully misrepresents them , and does not draw them in their proper colours . diss. pray , harry , how long have you had such a favourable opinion of their good nature ? what , are all the holy candles out , that you formerly told us , were made of protestant grease at the irish massacre ? [ pacq. nov. . . ] are there no popish fires but that which burnt the city ? or have the french protestants think you , left their estates and come over only for the advantage of a collection ? these are too bitter things , harry , to be so easily digested : and if i be not much mistaken , i can shew you that some of them are bound by oaths to give hereticks no better quarter . har. surely there is no such thing ? diss. i do assure you i had it from a very substantial author . har. pray who is it ? i 'll warrant you one of our modern misrepresenters . diss. no i 'll assure you ; i had it from the worthy author of the pacquet of advice from rome ; and certainly he must needs know best what was done there , where he kept his weekly correspondence . 't is the oath , which all popish bishops take at the time of their consecration : my author has it at large , but i shall here only give you the clause of it . and all hereticks , schismaticks , and such as rebel against our lord the pope , or his successors , i shall to the uttermost of my power , persecute , impugn , and condemn . so help me &c. [ pacq. jan. . . ] har. and does not the church of england with her penal laws come upon you and your brethren with the same severities ? diss. pray where is a church better seen than in her articles and canons ? and if these are to be looked upon as the standards of her doctrin ; to give the church of england her due , she in her . canon requires her bishops and ministers to endeavor by instruction and perswasion to reclaim all recusants within their respective limits : and if some of her communion , did put the laws in execution against us with too much rigour ; the present promotion of several of those instruments of our miseries , wou'd tempt a man to believe , that what they did was not so much out of mistak● , as by order . har. but now you have a commission to enquire , into what money was taken from you upon the account of your religion ; and so in some measure you may make your selves whole again . diss. prithee harry , why dost not send us to the spanish wrack to dive for gold and silver ? on my conscience i believe it wou'd be to as much purpose . if you will procure us all that was returned into the exchequer , that will indeed encourage and enable us to sue for the rest ; and surely you do not think that the exchequer ought to thrive by oppression no more than a private gentleman's pocket . har. if you consent to take off the tests , you do not know what may be done for you ; and methinks you of all people shou'd be ready to comply , since you are so much obliged for the toleration : and you know one good turn always requires another . diss. suppose the church of england men had complied to take off the tests , dost think then we shou'd have been such favourites ? i find it was our turn to be asked last : we have somthing of original sin that still sticks to us ; and i am afraid when popery comes in , we that have no foundation , and are as it were strangers in the land , must expect that this liberty will onely encrease our future risk , and put us further into the house of bondage . har. you shall have a magna charta for liberty of conscience ; and that you know , is like the laws of the m●des and persians , unalterable . diss. i must be a fool by thy own maxim , if i believe thee ; for have not you said in your pacquet , that he is only fit to be recorder of goatham , who does not foresee thát if ever the papists prevail , magna charta and the bible must down together . [ pacq. nov. . . ] but now i think on 't , how will this magna charta , and the magna charta of the council of lateran stand together ? which is so far from giving liberty of conscience , that it will not allow hereticks the common priviledge of living . har. has not sir roger cleared that difficulty sufficiently ? when he told you , that when they are rightly distinguished , they may very well stand together ; for the decrees of the church of rome are religious , this liberty you are offered is a civil point . [ answ. to the letter to dissenters . p. . ] diss. well now i find true , what i always suspected ; that this liberty was grounded upon a trick of state ; and not upon a religious conviction of judgment . so that when the government shall not stand in need of such arts ; that is , when popery is too powerful to submit to such condescensions ; we must expect to be thrown off , and sink again into the state of suffering . har. i do assure you , it has been the constant judgment of papists , that men all ought to have liberty of conscience : and they are very ill men , and you ought not to joyn with them who wou'd perswade you to the contrary . diss. divide & impera , i know is the papist's rule , as well as the politician's . prithee harry , he that is but eight and twenty years old , has lived long enough to see their methods of destroying the protestant religion : and it is mostly by playing fast and loose with the dissenters . sometimes the dissenter is a heretick and a rebel , and all the cry must be , crucifie him , crucifie him ; at another time he is all innocence , what harm has he done ? we 'll release him and let him go . thus by intermittent fits of ease and rigour , they endeavour to shake and undermine that foundation ; against which their arguments have not strength to prevail . har. but this indulgence was so frankly offered you , that you cannot choose but make sutable returns for such unexpected civilities . diss. proffered service in some case is not only unacceptable , but nauseous ; for when all the arguments of reason and religion could not prevail ; to find an unexpected fit of affection , makes the kindness something suspicious , and all the endearing expressions may proceed not so much from love , as dissimulation ; a politick design may be in the bottom , and a snake may lie in the grass that looks so fresh and flourishing . har. i find you still continue in your groundless suspicion of the papists : methinks they are the most reasonable men alive ; for if they do repeal your laws , they promise you equipollent securities . diss. i must tell you harry , the papists are the worst men in the world to pretend to insure the protestant religion from fire and faggot : their love to hereticks , we know , is generally hot and flameing , and 't is rarely that any of them vouchsafes to kiss , but when 't is to bring in others that come with swords and staves . and what is this equipollent security to be ? an act of parliament ? har. yes , but such an act that shall be unalterable , and not in the power of future ages to revoke . dissenter , hold , not too fast there , you will ruine the dispensing power else ; for if the king may not suspend that act too at pleasure , what will become of those officers , who have made so bold with the laws in being ? for the consequence must reach all acts alike . har. ay , but these tests are in their nature unjust , and dangerous to the government in their consequence ; and so no matter what becomes of them . diss. and will not that law , think you , be unjust , which cramps the king 's natural and inherent right of suspending acts of parliament ? so that this law or the mighty prerogative of suspending immediatly falls to the ground : and which do you think will most likely get the better on 't ? besides that law , if it be equipollent , must exclude all romish priests from officiating in any publick church or chappel within the kingdom : now if it be , according to you , so impious to exclude papists from serving the king in publick offices ; what a monstrous piece of impiety will popish judges interpret that law to be , which excludes the priests from serving god in his publick worship ? and therefore the apparent consequence of repealing our laws to me will be this ; that hereafter we shall have all popish governours both in church and state ; and to us will be left the merit of obedience , and the glory of suffering ; onely i am afraid we shall much eclipse that glory , upon some melancholy considerations that we have had a hand in our own execution . har. well i perceive you will not give me a categorical answer to my question . you will have the same more formally put to you ere long , and i do not doubt when you have taken time to consider , but you will return a very satisfactory answer . diss. to be short with you then ; the sum of my opinion is this : that i consider my self as an englishman as well as a protestant ; and whatever i conceive may directly or by consequence prejudice my religion , or civil rights , i think my self obliged not to consent to it , as i am to answer it to god and my country . so farewel . oxford : printed in the year .