Wonders worth the hearing VVhich being read or heard in a winters euening, by a good fire, or a summers morning, in the greene fields: may serue both to purge melancholy from the minde, & grosse humours from the body. Pleasant for youth, recreatiue for age, profitable for all, and not hurtfull to any. Breton, Nicholas, 1545?-1626? 1602 Approx. 53 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 16 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2004-03 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A16814 STC 3714 ESTC S115952 99851169 99851169 16432 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A16814) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 16432) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 1541:01) Wonders worth the hearing VVhich being read or heard in a winters euening, by a good fire, or a summers morning, in the greene fields: may serue both to purge melancholy from the minde, & grosse humours from the body. Pleasant for youth, recreatiue for age, profitable for all, and not hurtfull to any. Breton, Nicholas, 1545?-1626? [32] p. Printed [by E. Allde] for Iohn Tappe, and are to be solde at his shop on Tower hill neere the Bulwarke gate, London : 1602. Dedication signed: Nich. Breton. Printer's name from STC. Running title reads: Merry wonders. Signatures: A-D⁴. Some pages marked. Reproduction of the original in the British Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. 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Understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of TCP data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. Users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a TCP editor. The texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the TEI in Libraries guidelines. Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Curiosities and wonders -- England -- Early works to 1800. English literature -- Miscellanea -- Early works to 1800. 2003-10 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-10 SPi Global Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-11 Olivia Bottum Sampled and proofread 2003-11 Olivia Bottum Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-12 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion VVONDERS VVORTH THE HEARING . VVhich being read or heard in a winters euening , by a good fire , or a summers morning , in the greene fields ▪ may serue both to purge melancholy from the minde , & grosse humours from the body . Pleasant for youth , recreatiue for age , profitable for all , and not hurtfull to any . LONDON , Printed for Iohn Tappe , and are to be solde at his shop on Tower hill neere the Bulwarke gate 1602 To my honest and kinde louing friend , Ma. Iohn Cradocke Cutler , at his house without Temple Barre : health , hearts-ease and eternall happines . YOur affection to all good spirits , and mine the worst of many , hath made me preferre your knowne kindne● , before the shadow of idle showes● a Scholler I holde you none ; but I know you vnderstand English , and can conceipt an honest meaning , better then a braine full of more busines : and therefore in my loue , haue giuen you this fruite of my thoughts labours : In which , since Diuinitie is too deepe , Vertue will not ●ell ; Law is cost●ie , and Poetrie is too common ; Histories are tedious , State matters are too high , and loue is growne a laughing iest ▪ ● haue thought good ( leauing all idle humours ) to ●all on●ly vpon a few wonders : In the discourse whereof ( I doubt not ) but you shall finde a little glimmering of the light of my better loue : To the assurance whereof , without fraude or further delay , I haue heere unto set downe my name , thi● 22. of December . 1602 Your affectionate poore friend . Ni●h ▪ Breton . To the Reader . I Wonder with what tytle to fit you gentle , wise , or fonde and scoffing Reader , but in hope of the best , I w●ll begin , with ; Gentle Reader , let me intreate you not to wonder at me for writing of Wonders , for there is nothing common , that is currant , but money , and that is growne so scant with a number , that many a one wonder what kinde of thing it is : but , because I haue little to doe with it , I will speak● little of it , and onely tel you that it was my hap to light on a few odde Wonders , that being vnhappily set downe , might passe away a little idle time to looke on . Now , hoping that some mad-head in the world , might haue as much ley sure to read as I haue had to write : I haue thought good , to those good people , to co●mit the perusing of this little wonderfull peice of worke : wherein , if they finde nothing that may please them , I shall wonder at my wit : if any thing doth like them , I shall wonder what i● is , and thinke the bet●er of it when I know it . In the meane time , least you wonder too much at me , to make such a doe about nothing : I will leaue my wonders to your coni●ctures , and my loue to your kinde fauours : and so rest as I haue reason . Your friend , N. B. Merry VVonders . GRéene rushes M. Francisco , it is a wonder to sée you héere in this Country : why , I was afraide that you had been so out of charity with your enemyes , that you had beenalmost out of loue with your frends : but I am glad , that hauing wished for you so long , I shall yet enioy you at last . Fran. Master Lorillo , I doe wonder at your wondring , for though I am contented to be helde a man , yet I would be loath to be worse natured then a dogge : for I am in charity with al the world , though I am not in loue with mine owne shadowe : but to your purpose , can you eyther fell what loue or a friends is ? Lor. Indeed they are two Wonders in this world , for men are so full of malice , and women haue so little faith , that a friend is like a Phoenix , and a faithfull woman like a blacke Swanne . Fran. Now fie man , you are too much to blame , to make a wonder of nothing , for friendship is the grace of Reason , and loue is the ioy of life : and therefore rather wonder at reasons disgrace , in the breath of friendship , and at the nature of life without loue , then to see a true friend or a faithfull louer . Lor. But , is it not then a wonder to thinke what should be , and s●e what is , for loue is become a riddle , and friendship a dreame , where hee may wonder at his fortune , who findes that he lookes for . Fran. Well , I perceiue it were a wonder to remooue you from your wondring at these wonders : but is there nothing to be wondred at , but loue and friendship ? Lor. Nay , would you not rather say , that I wonder to heare of so much , and finde so little ▪ But leauing to trouble our selues longer with these toyes , which are become such wonders , as are too s●ldome to be seene : let me intreate you a little to discourse of such wonders as you haue met withall , in your last trauaile abroad : and what I haue seene at home ( that may be wor●h the hearing ) I will tell you . Fran. Content is pleased and therefore not to burne day-light , you shal heare : at my first arriuall in a certaine count●y ( which for some causes , I will omit to name ) it was my hap to come into a very faire towne ▪ or rather Citty , where I saw the houses strong and beautifull , the shops richly furnished , handsome men , and faire women , well apparelled and well countenaunced , so that there was almost nothing wanting that might seeme to make a happy state : but ●t is wonderfull to thinke , what a world of vnhappines liued within the walles of this Citty : for wealth , which should haue made men bountifull and charitable , made them so proude and miserable , that the poore wretches were merrier with a crust , then the rich with a world of treasure : the faire , which promised much grace , were so enuious , so proude , and so vitious , that I wonder how so great a beauty to the body , should breed so foule a blot to the soule ? Lor. Alas , nature is subien to weaknesse , and therefore beare with a little i●●e●●ertion : age will tea●h repentance , and sorrow is a sa●ue for sinne : and therefore pray rather for the correction of reason , then wonder at the corruption of nature : but o●wa●●s with the rest of your wonders . Fran. Oh Sir , excuse is no satisfaction , though contrition be gratious , the sinne of you●h makes the shame of age , and he that is bountifull at his death , is better in the graue then in the world : but I will leaue to argue further vpon the case , & goe onward with my course . When I had wondred a whi●e at particular points , in particular persons , I began to wonder at the state of the gouernment : for so farre as I could ●euill at it with the eye of my s●mple iudgement , the ●hiefest matters were wonderfully well ●uled , lawes were executed according to the estate of the offenders : If he were poore , hee was made an example : if rich , hee was made a profit , a profit to the common wealth , to take away the riches of one that might haue been hurt to many : and the poore , an example to the poore , to take warning rather to worke then to want , for feare by such offen●e to r●ceiue the like punishment of like presumption : But w●en I considered of the conscience that was charged with the burthen of bloud , I wondred how the hang man could sleep for feare of the deuill at his elbow : An● againe , I wonder not a little at the folly of the wilful , to bring their wittes to such confusion , that neither reason nor obseruation could take more place in their apprehention ? Lor. Oh Master Fraunces the misery of this time is great , and lawes had need of exe●uti●n , for else the begger with his ●ré●ping , and the ●hu●le with his bribing , w●uld so cousen pitty with cunning , that Iustice should become a Iest , and common wealths would be ouerthrowne ▪ and since penury to the rich , is as great a plague , as death is to the poore , let the churle whine and the begger hang , or both learne to be honest men : but to the purpose , if you haue not borne Office your selfe , speake not of a Magistrate , least your wonder prooue a triflle , when the secret is well considered . Fran. True , but who would not wonder to sée wise men so foolish , the wealthy so mad , and the poore so desperate , that the false God of gold should so bewitch the hart of man , as to make the sentence of law to cut off the lyne of life ? But to confesse a troth , I thinke God hath his working in all things , and therefore it is but a folly to wonder at any thing : and therefore leaue all thinges to his will , who doth all things to his glory , and to goe on with my wonders , I will tell you : It was my happe to trauaile into a country towne , or pretty village , where I lodged in an Inne , at the signe of the wilde goose : where , walking in the backe side , I saw a dozen of pretty fine chickins , when looking well vpon them , an vnhappy boy ( meaning to play the knaue kindely with me ) tolde mée , that in the morning all those chickins would be Lambes : Goe to boy quoth I , doe not lye I pray thée : In truth Sir ( quoth he ) it is true : at the first ( a little concealing my displeasure conceiued against the boy ) I wondred at his spéech , but in the morning I found it true : and was not this a wonder ? Lor. No mary Sir , it is no wonder that the goodman of the house being called Lambe , but the chickins should be all Lambes : but since you are entr●d into merry wonders to beguile you● friends with a iest , let mee se●l you a littl● of some of my home wonders . Fran. With all my heart : the more the better , ●ne for an other . Lor. In the towne where I dwell , we haue a pretty Corporation , where among many poore Officers , M. Constable is no meane man , especially vpon a Festiual day , when he hath his Tipstaff in his hād , & the Stockes at his doore : Now , it fell out one day that the chiefe of the Parish hauing a meeting at the Church , this honest man ( at least , so reputed of the simple sort ) putting on his best countenance , and taking his place amongst the best of his neighbours : it fell out , that in hearing of a controuers●e betweene two sorrye fellowes , about the pounding of a white Mare , whither by law it might be done or not , one giuing his opinion vpon the one side , and the other vpon the other : at last the Constable giuing a sore spéech against the poore men ▪ that the one for his cruelty , in that he had almost starued the Mare in the pound , and the other for his folly , to let her stray into his neighbors ground , should be set in the stockes , and the●e to stay till they were made friendes , without farther trying of the law : had no sooner ended his spéech , but from a man became a Hog : and was not this a wonder ? Fran. A great one , but that Lawrence Hogge , if it b● he that I take it you speake of , who was the last yéere Constable of your Hundreth , was euer a good ryder , and therefore had euer more pitty on one good paced Mare , then two roaned curtalles : but if your Trenchmore bee done , let mee heare if you haue such another daunce ? Lor. Nay by your leaue sir , I will first heare you as good as your word , one for an other till the Sunne goe downe , and then put vp . Fran. Content , wel remembred , then let me tell you : in a certain Port towne , where it was my hap to lodge for some fewe dayes , it was my chaunce diuers times to méete with a strange creature , in the shap● of a man , of whome one day standing at a doore all alone , I tooke good notice : of stature , hee was neyther aboue the Moone , nor beneath the Earth , but in the middle region of the proportion of man , mary for his face it was made like one of the foure windes in a Mappe , that should blowe ouer the stoutest May-pole in a Country : a payre of staring eyes , that would looke three myle beyond Mount Noddy , and a mouth hell wide , that would sweare like a deuill : but for that he would not be troubled with too much hayre , hee had forsworne a beard : of complection , like rusty Bacon , and nosed like the s●oute of an olde Beare : necked like a Bull , shouldred like a Miller , and legged like the Mill-poast : and for an arme , had it not beene iniur●d with a rewine ( that he tooke with a hot seruice in a moorish Country ) hee had beene able with a little helpe , to haue throwne a lowse ouer his shoulder : apparelled he was like a decayed Souldier , and yet kept a march in the streete , as though hee had ledde more then ment to follow him : Now this lus●y gallant , that gaue the wall to no man , but vpon condition of a quarrell , nor put off his cap to any man , but of whome hee ment to borrow money : hauing passed a fewe dayes in such a pride , as fewe of good fashion could away withall , wanting meanes to supply his wantes , fell in hand ( after many shiftes ) to try the trade of the high way : where hauing made so many happy purchases , as would haue paide for ● good Coppy-holde , would not giue ouer his ●h●se till hee was taken napping in his hunting : it fell out , that being ouer taken in his match , or ouer-matched in his taking , hee was taken holde of by the Officer and brought before a Iustice for a Fellon , from whome to the prison , and so by degrees to the gallowes : now , where before that time he● was helde for a gallant fellow , and a proper man , hee no sooner came to execution , but hee became presently a Wolfe : and was not this a great wonder ? Lor. True , if it had not béene Haukin Wolfe , th● swaggering rascall of hempe Alley , but I wonder hee liued so long vnhanged , who had deserued it so often : but t is no matter , let him goe , I am sure you are lyke to heare as good a Morris daunce from my Pype , and therefore haue at you : In the Citty where I vse to make my housholde prouision for the yeare , it was my happe in the Inne where I lay , to bee lodged next wall to a minikin girle , broder betwixt the eyes then the héeles : This dainty come-to-it , thinking her brasse good siluer , in an humour ( twenty yeeres short of her age ) would forsooth ( to continue or encrease her beautye ) vse all the arte , that eyther the Phisition or the Paynter could helpe her for her auayle : and to note the variety of the countenaunces , shee would in a glasse , teach her ill fauoured face to put on ( it was a wonder to thinke vpon ) one while she would looke as demurely , as a Rabbet that had newly washed her face in a deawy morning : by and by shee would drawe the great lippes of a wyde mouth so neere together , that it was very much like the necke of an Oxes bladder , and yet with that face would shee so simper it , as though shee would put the Millers Mare quite out of countenance : by and by , she wold leere a side like a Beare whelp , and with a trice she would frowne , as though she were sicke of the frets : turne her head , and she would laugh , as if she had béen tickled in the lower ribbes : but after many of these faces , she would at last stand a tip-toe , and vaunt it like the Quéene of Spades : but if she tried to mak a curtsie , why maid● Marian in a Maurice daunce , would put her downe for a fiddle faddle : This Mistris Needens ( as I said before ) nothing faire , but faced very ill fauouredly , wickedly witty , but nothing wise , s●w at her window a Gentlewoman sitting at her doore , with a white Sparrow pearching on her finger , which birde skipped from thence vpon the ruffe of a fine yong Gentleman that sate by her , and there tooke bread out of his mouth : Now what humour this wicked creature had , héerupon to be transformed , I know not , but wishing that she might be in this Sparrows place , shee no sooner came out of her house , but she became a Sparrow indéed : and was not this a wonder ? Fran. Yes , and that no small one , but that I thinke Meg Sparrow of Kent-stréete , was the gentle mistris that you made your wonder of : but to quit you with the like strange matter , you shall heare : in a certayne thorough faire towne , where it was my hap to lodge for a night or two , at a strange signe , mine Hoast of the house being a Bailiffe of the hundreth : Lor. Oh then he was like to be an honest man. Fran ▪ Yea , and so he was I may t●ll you , for he played the honest man many a time , to he●pe many an honest man to his money , that many a knaue would haue run away with , if he had not béen , and help● many a wen●h to a father for her childe , that could not else haue tolde how to haue done for the kéeping of it : But to goe on with my tale , this gallant Sir , being for his capacity able to iudge betwixt blacke and white , horse or cowe , whosoeuer were the owner : and for his person ; as good a Picture as might haue serued for a néed , to haue hanged at his signe poast , standing commonly in his doore like a Bearard , that was acquainted with all the dogs of the parish , standing as I say with a Sarazins face , his nose too long for his lips , his chéekes like the iawes of a horse , his eyes like a Smithes forge , and his haire all besprinckled with a whore frost , this S. Christopher shouldred swad , that fed on nothing but browes , and ●appy Ale , hauing more cappes of poore men , then eyther crownes or pence to relieue them , fell ( sauing your reuerence ) in loue , with such a péece of horse-flesh as you spake of , & notwithstanding that he had a pretty pincke to his own wedded wife , that could answere her guests at all weapons , and at all houres , yet he● as a wicked Ramme that would follow a s●abbed shéep , fell in hand with this rotten Ewe ; whome ( his wife being at the market ) he got into his garden , where néere vnder my window I might sée him sloute her in such sort , and wiping his driueled beard , clapt her on y ● lips so stoutely , as if the deuill and his damme had met vpon a close hellish bargaine : Now , after a hobby horse turne or two , in they came into the house , where he conuayed his welfauoured mistris into a place of priuate conference , where long he had not tarryed , but in commeth my Hostesse , who knowing by her Ouen where cakes had been a baking , méeting her gooseman with this his pretty ducke in his hand , began with a note aboue Ela to sing them such a solfa , that what with knaue and whore , and a great deale more , had not I and some other of her kind guests perswaded her to patience : Iealousse wold haue made her nailes to haue bin indited of bloodshed , but as it fell out when she had chid her selfe blacke in the mouth , and at the last with a little little patience sat her downe , with , out of my house whoore , & by cockes stones , bones I would haue said , I will not beare it : after shee had cryed a little for curst heart , and wipte her nose of a little rewme , with these woordes shee made an ende : oh thou olde mangy , fiery faced , bottle nose , horse lipped , Oxe Iawed rascall , thou towne Bull , and common Bore , that seruest for all the S●ine in the Parrish , a poxe take thee , doost thou thinke to make me take the leauinges of thy Trulles ? thou shalt bee hanged first , goe hang thy selfe , get thee to them where thou wilt , for thou shalt not make my hous● a Stewes , nor me a bawde any longer I warrant thée . I haue heard that in olde time men haue beene turned into Beastes , I would thou wert so too : and truely it is a sore matter that may fall out vpon an euill tongu● , especially an euill womans , for you shall see what fell out vppon this wicked creatures curse : the man amazed at her madnesse , and not able ( for all his Office ) to take order with her tongue , glad ( after he had shipped away hi● ware ) to bee got himselfe out of her sight : no sooner turned his backe to goe out of doore , but hee became presently a great Bull : and was not this a strange wonder ? Lor. Not a whit so long as I know Thomas Bull of the Rammes horne at the nether end of the market place , as you ride through Cuckoldes Ende , a myle from Twattoxbury : but if you will giue mee leaue a little , I will quit you with as good a tale . It was my happe in an odde village , where for a few daies , I ment to recreate my self with my go●d friends , to come forsooth to a Country wedding : which being vpon a poore Saints day , for eyther it was a poore Saint , that they meant so poor● an honour to , or the parish was very poore , that the people had no better cloathes to put on : for sauing that it was whole and cleane that little that they had , there was neyther waste of stuffe , nor finenesse to be found fault withall : yet as it was , let me tell you : the manner was worth the marking : For first and formost went the Bride , for fleshe and bloud as fowle a creature as might fit the Inuention of an Inuectiue against Beauty : who though she were squinte eyed , Swine s●outed , wry bodyed , and splay footed , yet had shee such a garlicke b●●ath , that they had néede enough of Rosemary , that ledde such a weede by the wrist : but let her passe , she with her hayre about her shoulders , drawne out like a horse tayle with a Mane-combe , in a home-spun russet Petticoate , that should serue her many a fayre day , with a payre of strong Calue-skinne gloues , that her good man had drest for the purpose , holding out her chinne and dra●ing in her mouth ( lyke Malkins olde Mare ) went simpring betwixt two olde Constables : and after the rowte of such a fight of Rascals , as one would ●ake hell for such a rabblement , followes the Groome my young Colt of a Cart bréed , led betwixt twoo girles for the purpose , the one as like an Owle , the other as like an Vrchin , as if they had béene spitte out of the mouthes of them : Nowe thys sweete youth , sauing that hee had the shape of a man , there could bee little sayd in his commendation : for as he was headed like a Gian● , so was h● faced like an olde Ape , stumpe footed , and wry legged , and withall , his lower limbe● of such sma●nesse , that he went in great daunger of the winde : mary for his breath , his Bride and hee were both Rabbets of one Laier : yet being in this disgrace of nature , these well matched Hog minions , it was a sport to sée the weake iudgement of their poore wits , who were content to perswade themselues , there was matter in them of sufficiency : for she , if one saluted her with faire Maide , shee would looke downe vpon her new shooes , with such a smile as would mak a horse laugh to see hércountenance : and if hee were but called lusty Lobkin , hee would fetch you such a friskall , that a dog woul● not lye downe to looke vpon him : Now as I tell you , to a blind Chappell in stéede of a Church , went these couple to their merry méeting : where , how they agréed vpon the match I know not , but they no sooner came out of the Church hand in hand , but of a handsome youth and a pretty damsell , they became both Buzzards : and was not this a pittifull wonder ? Fran. Not at all , for Hodge Buzzard and his best beloued , at the blew Crowe and the red Owle can ●el you the meaning of this riddle : but now to quit you againe haue with you . It was my hap in a market towne neere vnto the crosse , to méete with a coarse , carried vpon mens shoulders in a coffiin , no great solemnity there was to be noted , for there was not a Herald of Armes , nor any mention made of him more then that he was dead ; and was carried to bee buried : for more then that men wore blacke in good Cloakes for him , I saw no signe of sorrow to be thought on : yet for that there w●re many that accompanied the coarse , I demaunded of some that I durst be bolde with , what hee was ▪ h●s name , his state , his condition , and his death ? Now o● all that I asked , or of all that I spake to , I could not heere so much as a good word spoken of him , his name was Di●es , hee was a rich man , his condition wicked and malicious , his quallity ledge●●●●●aine , with which hee would coozen a whole country ▪ his state mightie by his purse , his life like a Hog , and his death like a Dog , but that hee scape● hanging , which hee deserued too often : hee was beloued of fewe , and hated of many : vndid a number in his life , and now onely bestowed a little Charitably at his death : many did curse him , and fewe that prayed for him , more then that they might heere no more of him , and all that I could heere or see written of him , was an ●pi●●ph that some conceited friend did bestowe vpon him ▪ the wordes whereof we●e these : Heere lie● one that was borne and cried : hee l●ued threescore year●s , and then fell sicke and died . Now séeing no more matter to be considered , but down right Dog , with his head in the po● , and yet such a deale of a doo in carring hm to church , I thought I would see him throwne into the earth , but when the carkasse came to bee laide in the g●aue , hee that in his life was said to be a iolly square fellow and indifferent handsome man , became a most vgly Beare , and was not this a wonder ? Fran. No , not any wonder at all , when Barnabye Beare of Bul End by hogge downe was the most rauening Wolfe , and deuouring wretch of his neig●bours goods that liued in a whole countrie : but if hee be gon , no doubt hee hath left heires , and so let him goe : and now let me tell you of another wonder : In a certaine Cittie where it was my chaunce to make aboade for some few monthes , I espied one day among a company of Cittizens , a little remote from the company , a couple that for serious c●●se of conference had single● them selues together , where walking néer vnto a bench where I sat , I might heare a little of their discourses : of which , before I spe●ke any thing , let me a little describe you the persons : First , the young man , being about the age of some two and twenty , a handsome man of reasonable good shape , smooth faced , and demure countenanced , his apparell most Silke and Veluet , his cloake and his hat well brushed , his ruffes well set , his stockings wel gartered and his shooes wel blacked , a sprinke youth , that as farre as his mon●y would serue him , did pricke toward the Marchant : the other somewhat more stept in yeares , and faced somewhat like a Bull , sauing that hee would léere like a Lyme-hound , his apparell nothing costly● , nor very comel● , cloath and fustian , and that of ●is wiues spinning , his daughers ●a●ding , and his cousens Weauing , his hat well worne and vnlyned , his ruffe but a length of home linnen , his shooes the best of the hyde , as well for warmth as wearing , his girdle of Buffe leather , a dagger with a dudgion haste , a greasie ●ouch with a ru●ty ring , his st●●kings of exce●ding course wooll , and his shooes soundly cobbled : this was all that I could note in his outside , now for his inside , let me tell you , there was shrewde matter to muse vpon as you shall heare : for th●se two ( age and youth ) thus pacing the stréete with a close measu●e , I followed till they came to a Tauerne doore , wh●re going into a priuate roome , with the doore shut to them , I clapt mee into an odd● seate neere vnto them , where calling for a pinte of Wine , leauing an idle errand at the Barre , that if Iohn a Sul●●came to aske for Tom a Hedge , hee should bee presently brought to me , sitting munching vpon a crust , and sipping ●ow and then of a cup of Wine , I heard all their confe●ence , which was as ●olloweth . The olde 〈◊〉 it séemed ) thicke o● hearing ● b●cause ●e would be 〈◊〉 spoken to , spake very lowde vnto thi● youth ▪ when the first that I coul● heare was this ▪ well sonne , you would hau● money , and I could well part with it , if I sawe ●eason to perswade me● ▪ how eyther ●o benefit my selfe or you by it : for it is a Birde that flyeth fast forward , but ●t sildome comes so fast home againe : and if you chaunge him into an other shape then his owne , hee doth often loose much of his vertue : if you put him into any thin● hee may happen turne to nothing . For ( let mee see ) you would haue foure hundreth p●undes , let mee heare to what profitable vse you would imploy them ? The young man ( with as soft voyce as could serue his thicke eare● ) mad● him this answere . Si● , I would put one hundreth pound in cloath , which I will aduenture beyond the Seas , or fell at home , to my great aduantage . Stay quoth the olde man , cloth is good ware , so i● be wel ma●e , & wel bought , but if you haue no skill in wool● , you may be cousoned in your cloth : besides , if it be good , and you aduenture it ( mark me wel ) the sea is no brooke , & windes are wauering , stormes are perilous , rockes and sandes are mischieuous , Pirats are villanous , and what ship but may catch a Leake ? but say that winde , weather , ship & saile , were as prosperous as heart could wish , to make a happy voiage , yet the goods on shore , the charge of custome , the time of vent , the expence of carriage , may make the commodity so little , as without the better stocke , may quickly kill a yong Marchant : And againe , if y ● Creditor prooue banckrout , or the Factor a s●endthrift , then Summa totalis makes but a sorrowful reckoning : Now at home , if they be stretched vpon y ● tentor-hooks , burnt in y ● dying , spoil'd in y ● dressing , or any other false matter fall vpon thē , & you sell thē for good , y ● buyer is cousoned , and your conscience is touched , and ●od will one day haue it answ●red , and therefore I doubt you will doe little good with it in cloat● : With that the young man replyed : oh sir , nothing v●●ter nothing haue , therè is no fishing to the Sea , the gaine of one voyage wil beare the losse of many , and a Factor ▪ of credit will neuer trust but vpon assuraunce : and therefore the vndoing of one man must not be the hindrance of a hundreth : if I liue among men I must doe as men doe : & for home sale , if all things be not as they should be , they must bee as they may be : euery one mus● line by his trade , for in these daies he that stands vpō conscience may looke after commodity , & c●me not néere it by an armes length : why quoth the old man , do you get so much by meating ? thē you do not meane to go to heauen for you measure : Alas Sir quoth the youth , in the Church perhaps wee heare of heauen , but in ●ur shops wee haue so much of the world to looke to , that wee haue almost no leasure to thinke of heauen nor hell : but yet I hope so long as wée pitch and pay , and follow the trade or occupation we were brought vp in , wee shall not goe to hell for a a small matter . No quoth the olde man , but for a great matter you may , and you that should loue your neighbour , to betray him as a ●udas , how euer you thinke of it , I feare it will fall foule with you one day : but since I sée you are giuen to thriue , though I would be loath to take part with you in your course , I care notif I deale with you for one hundreth poundes , to bee imployed in cloath : but what say you to the second ? to what vse wil you put t●e other hundreth ? The other hundreth quoth the young man , I would put in wines , an excellent commodity , and ready money , and quick returne . Alas quoth the olde man , it is pitty the returne is so quicke , for I thinke there is more money wasted in drinking to healthes , till all health be turned to sicknes , then is employed in many necessary good occasions : but let euery man answere for his owne sinne ▪ my sorrow can helpe little : and therefore if you be sure of good wines ▪ spéedy vent and good chapmen , I thinke it be not the worst ware that you can deale withall : but if your wines be small hedge wines , or haue taken salt water , and you ●ither by brewing them with milke water , or other trumperies , or by mingling one with another , and so marre both to help one , and yet get money into your hands , giue day , and protest friendship , and all to cheate a simple man , whose taste and his wit , are both a like for his bargaine : oh how can you drinke wine , but you must thinke of your wickednes ? and then howe it goes downe God knowes , and I feare some of yée feele too well . Well Sir quoth the young man , I tell you as I tolde you before , euery man must looke to himself , and therefore if you will deale with onely men of conscience , you may kéep your money long enough ere it will doe you any good : and therefore since it is an ill winde that bloweth no man to good , let the drunkard make himselfe poore , and the Uintiler rich , and the Marchant vent his commodity , as hee may continue his Traffique : I cannot stand vpon ●e●nies , for your money you shall haue securi●y , which if you like not , let me be without . Nay soft quoth the olde man , for kindreds , ●akerou●en , I would not sticke with you vpon your owne bond , but that we are all mortall , and if you dye , your suer●y may be the more carefull of your discharge and his owne to : and therefore Cousen , I pray you in kindenesse tell me for your third hundreth ▪ howe you will imploy it ? Sir quoth he , at your request I am content to tell you , in an Office : An Office quoth the old mā , in the name of God mā what may it be ? why sir quoth he , the kéeping of a Iayle or prison : for if I liue but a fewe yeares , I will make mine Irons , and my Tap-house , quickly put my money in my purse , with aduantage : and besides my ordinary gaines of my dyet , my fées allowed , besides priuy commodities , will soone multiply my hundreth to a greater summe then I will speake of : Oh but Cousen quoth the olde man , when you see the misery of the poore , and thinke on the sorrows of the distressed , how can you sleepe in your bed , to thinke of the day that is to bee looked for ? Oh Cousen , be sure this world is but a picture , where pleasure or paine , is but as a shadow of that which is to come ● remember my good cousen what will be spoken at the latter day , when you may well say you haue visited the sicke , for you see your prisoners for your owne safety : but how you haue fed the hungry , or cloathed the naked , I pray God your conscience doe not come against you : In briefe , cousen I had rather giue thee a hundreth pounds to leaue it , then lend thée a penny to take it : Sir quoth the young man , I thanke you , but patience rather then pitty , hath béene euer the way to profit : the small grasse of the field fils the barne full of hay , and the poore mens money fils the rich mans purse : he that will not kill a shéep because hee will not see his bloud , may hap to be without meate for his dinner , and why should I pitty him that hath no pitty of him selfe ▪ yet pe●hap● I may make that gaine of the wilfull , that néede not come neere me y ● may make mee comfort them that cānot goe from me : corruption you know hath a part in ●ur nature , whose infection bréedeth diuers effectes of euill ▪ and who liueth without sin ? and therefore if rich men will be beggers , and beggers make rich men , giue me leaue to take my course , I will leaue you to your good conscience . Oh cousen bee not a bloud sucker , there is other meate then Mutton , and therfore pray not vpon Lambes , & if you can , endure the cry of the miserable , yet in what you can be comfortable , and if the wilfull be wofull , yet be not you ioyfull , but to all distressed be pittifull , and put away that corruption , that may bréed an eternall confusion : put not the poore to his Irons , least they eate with sorrow into his soule , nor detaine the wofull in misery , leas● you be shutte out of the gates of mercy : howsoeuer Iustice commaund execution , vse you commiseration : and so since I see your intent , I will not put you from your purpose : but to the last hundreth deale ( as plainely ) what will you doe with it ? In briefe Sir quoth the young man , I will put it out vpon interest , where ( by such plots as I can worke ) I will get foure score in the hundreth , and perhaps my hundreth againe : that were a wonder quoth the olde man , but is not this intérest you speake of plaine vsury ? No sir quoth the youth , not plaine , but in plaine truth , where there is no truth , it is priuy ▪ Usury : As how quoth the olde man ? Why sir quoth the youth , when my petty Brokers , séekers for young spend-thriftes ▪ heare of a youth new come to his land , that is ready to sell it ere hee know the rent of it , vpon him goe they : to me they come for some commodity , eyther an Artificiall stone , that must passe for an Orientall Iewell : a rare péece of Silke , that will scarse holde the cutting out : a lame horse though stand right for a little way : and these with ●any other such trickes must be foysted into a little money to make vp a hundreth pounds , for which he shall be surely lapt in bondes sufficient to hold him fast : then ere hee come to haue his money , my Broker must haue his share , his Seller must haue his share , and the S●riuenor must haue more then for his writings for his share , out of al which shares I must haue a share , besides the cōmodity of my money , & badware , & yet I must séeme an honest man , & of good cō●cience , that wil not take aboue y ● Statute for any thing : but thus wee share the Spend-thriftes money amōg vs , & if he breake his day , as it is ●ddes he wil , then new double bōdes , and newe shares for the forbearaunce : till thus with our sharing , we leaue him but a little to share from vs : Alas quoth the old man why you were as good take his purse by the high way ▪ oh no she quoth the youth , it is ●arre better and easier thus to méete with his money by a by way : wee that thus ●éede vpon the folly of youth , are but ordained to bee tho scourges of Prodigality : and when auerice hath once bewitched the minde with wealth , it is but labour lost to perswade reason to leaue it : and therefore Cousen , though by your countenance it agrée not with your conscience , beare with me to tel you truely my intent ▪ Oh cousen quoth the olde man , truely this last part is the w●●st of all the play , and therefore since I sée your intentin euery one of these courses , rather to deceiue the simple , then to make an honest gaine , I had as lieue kéép my money in my purse , as imploy it to such kindé of profit ▪ if I may sée a good bargaine wherein you may honestly benefit your selfe , without cheating or wicke● cunning , vpon your owne bon● without suerty ; I am for you for a hundreth poundes . Sir quoth he , I thanke you , but if you be so scrupelous , I meane not to ●roubl● you : that is as you please cousen quoth the olde man ▪ so ca●●ing for a reckoning of a Pint of Muska●ine , or such a matter , out they goe together : who no ●ooner w●re out of doores , but they became both Gurne●ds : and was not this a wonder ? Fran. Yes if t●●y had béen sowst , but as they were , it was no wonder 〈◊〉 ol●e William Gurnerd of Frinsly Borough , and hi●●ousen Henry Gurnerd of Arnix with him , the one as honest and kinde an olde Farmer , and the other as fine ●nd wise a youth for his time , as one shoul● méete w●●h among a thousand : but since the Sunne growes ●ow , I will quit you with one wonder of mine , and so giue ouer till we méete againe . Lor. Con●ent , ●se your discretion , as time and my memory serueth , I will either giue ouer or requite you . Fran. Well then you shall vnderstand , that it was my ha● in a kinde of house , betwixt a Tauerne and an ●lehouse , where all sortes of people might haue ware for their money , Lor. Oh by your leaue a little , was it not a kinde of a Burdell , a brothell , or a baudy house ? Fran. Fie man you speake too broad , for where a man may be merry for his money , is there no meate thinke you but laced Mutton ? and if a kinde wench play the good fellow , must Master Constable needes be angry ? it is a heauie hearing . Lor. Yea when the belly growes so bigge , that the burthen must lye vpon the parish . Fra. Away man , that is the w●rst , but if men were not hard hearted , women might be better dealt withal . Lor. Come , you will one day be catcht napping for your fine humour : but I pray you on w t your wonder . Fran. Why I will tell you : sitting in this foresaid tipling tapling house , gnawing vpon a crust , longer then I had néed , and making many sips o● a pot of Ale , hauing a faggot before me , which I meant to sit the burning out of , I heard in the next roome ( somewhat closer then where I sat ) two or thrée laughing very hartely , and as through a creuice in the boords I might espye them , I saw a fat queane with a double chin , set betwixt a couple of léering companions , at the least crafty knaues : where laying mine eare a little to the wall , I heard all their chat , which was as I will tell you : Cousen quoth one of them ( to this Fubs ) by this drinke ( and then he fecht me off a whole Can , that his eye● stared with his draft ) this money was well got : why I got forty shillings of M. you wot who , for only telling of him where the widdow of the Eagle dwelt , setting her out , to bee all in the pinners papers , in the thousandes at least , and a house so furnished , it would doe ones heart go●d to come in it , and for a Wife the world had not a kinder creature : now , to her I made a trayne by her cousen my neighbour , to bée so acquainted with her , that after I had got into a little ●hat with her , I set her in such a gogge for a husband , with setting out this Gentleman to bee so gallant a man , so goodly a man , so fine a man , so kinde a man , so louing a man , so courteous a man , so proper a man , and so braue a man , that besides his liuing which was more then hers by a great deale , his creadit was such with the great ones , that she should go in her Hood euery day , and leade a life like a Lady at the least : Now when with these words , I had set them both in such tune , that I knew how to haue the drawing of both their purse stringes , when I had so long plumed vpon his feath●rs , that they began to growe too fast for getting off , then finding an olde Archer instéed of a Sutor , that noting my acquaintaunce with the Widdow , would make a profit of my trauaile , to him fell I , and giuing ouer my young gallant , fell aboord with his bounty , and hauing him in bond ( beside his dayly liberality ) that ●f hee gat the widdow , I should haue the hundreth poundes , to worke went I with my wittes , to bring this world about : and one day sitting with the widdow in sad talke , after she had asked me of my youth , ( with a sigh ) I answered that he was well , and if that shee would bee secret , I would acquaint her with that which should make her thinke mee an honest man : she not caring what she sayed , to heare what I would say , promised secrecy : whereupon I began to play my part kindly : Alas widdow quoth I ( to deale plainely with you ) my friend and I must be two , for whereas I thought him the most honest , and stayed kind Gentleman , and good husband in the world , I find he is a wencher , & a spend-thrift , and so hasty that nere a friend hee hath but is weary of his company , & withall ( I may tel you ) he is in debt , truly I haue bin sorrie at my hart , that I wa● was so deceiued in him , to open my mouth in his cōmendation , especially to a woman of your worth , who it were pitty that he should liue , to looke vpon more then as a stranger : but I hope there is nothing so far past but may be called backe againe ? No quoth shee I warrant you , I will looke to that well enough , and I am glad I heare of it so soone , and I thank you with al my hart : oh these yong men are dangerous to deale withall : indéed ( as they say ) they will make much of one , for they will make as much of one as they can , and then leaue vs to make our prayers at whining crosse , but I will leaue them all and bee ruled by my friendes , I am not so young , but I can make much of an olde man , and loue him to , if hee vse mee well , for I see by my neighbours , it is better being an olde mans darling then a young mans worldling : say you so Mistris quoth I , and truly if you be so minded , I warrant you I will fit you with a gentleman for your turne : one , that though hee bee somewhat in yéeres , yet is he as staite an olde man , and as neate in his apparell , as if he were but twenty yéeres of age : one that loued his olde wife out of cry , hee hath but one daughter , and shee is marryed , so that hee hath no charge to trouble him : and for his wealth , hee knowes no ende of his goodes : Yea quoth the widdow , such a one were worth the looking on , and for the honesty that I haue found in you , I will thinke the better of you while I knowe you , welcome to me at all times , and bring your friend , it may bee he shall not mislike his entertainment : with these good wordes , I tooke my leaue , and after many thankes , making her beléeue wonders , about my villany went I , and being well acquainted with a cousen of hers , who was to pay her a summe of money , which should be forgiuen him by this olde man , if he could get her , we made such meanes , that with the good helpe of her kinsman , who lent this Cunny-catching cunning companion , both money and wares for his furniture : we found such times , and made such méetings , that we clapt vp a wicked bargaine : and for my paines ( what care I for the vndoing of her and him , & twenty more , to serue my turne ) I gat these crownes , and will haue more to them ere it bee long : and bee hang'd you will quoth goodwife Bumble Bee , but sirra worst thou what ? I le tell thée as pretty a tale : in my house ( thou knowst ) I haue them , that will carry meate in their mouthes , and not loose a bone for a shaddow : now vpon some month a goe , I entertained a young gossip , that was not such a baby , but she knew how to but●er her bread , and yet the vilde baggadge ( because she was somewhat snowte faire ) would be a little proude and foolish withall , she would be for no Churle , nor Chappes , she was a minion for a Champion : yea but daughter quoth I , we cannot kéep house with faire lookes , wee must haue money , and the Churle at home will be liberall abroad , and the Chuffe wil bring better prouander thē Chaffe , where he meanes to baite : be content , a purse of golde is worth ten pipes of Tobacco , please an olde mans humour , and haue his hart : these youths of the parish , that are so spruse in their apparell , haue little money in their purses , and their verses and their tales , are not worth a pudding for our trade : the basket with cakes , the pee●es of stuffes , the Iewels , and the gold , this is it that maintaines the matter ▪ talke is but winde , there is nothing to be borrowed on it , leaue your idle humor , or you will liue but ill fauouredly : Now sir , how she listned to me I know not , or how shee profited in my instruction , but an olde Widower comming to my house ( instéed of the common course that he might haue taken ) fell into so great a liking of her beauty , that leauing to fall aboord with her for , and so forsooth , began to tell her how great a pitty it was that so swéet a creature , in face and body , should haue so foule a minde : and if that rather néede of maintenance , then wicked delight , did driue her to this lewde kinde of life , and that he might be perswaded of her loathing and leauing her ill course , his wealth was sufficient : children he had none , and to bring her to good hee cared not to spend halfe that hee had , shee should be wife , childe , loue , and perhaps heyre to the best part of that he had : this sound in her eare , so went to her heart , that by such meanes as he wrought , my girle was got away , and my house almost ouerthrowne by it , for I may tell you she was a diamond wench , for colour and countenance , and wit at will : but when this Widower had wedded her , and she began to looke about her , she was so turned honest , that it was a wonder howe shée could hit on it : but to be short , one day ( not past a wéeke a goe ) she sent for me , and her good man being abroad , she gat me alone with her into a chamber , where after a showre of teares : oh quoth she , leaue leaue your wicked and hellish life , it may last a while , but the end wil be nought : Virgins virginityes , yong mens patrimonies , olde mens wealthes , lost , solde , and wasted , bodies diseased , mindes troubled , hearts agréeued , and soules tormented , hel in the house , & the deu●l in euery corner : take ho●de I say of a faire warning , let the shame of nature , the hurt of reason , the abuse of time , and the offence of grace , make you loath this vilenes , & leaue this villany , deuised by the deuill , & enacted but by his angels : God is where he was , he hath called me home , follow me to him , breake vp your ill company , and fall to your prayers , if you want come to mée , I will not sée you want , but if you will not take this kindly , & follow it soundly , I wil leaue you vtterly , ha●e you deadly , and persecute you most cruelly : Now , when she had made an ende , she stung me so to the heart , tha● I was not able to answere her a word a good while , but at last comming to my selfe , I did thanke her ▪ and tolde her , that she should sée I would thinke on her , whereupon she gaue me this golde , and by this golde so I haue , for I haue put two away , and the rest shall follow as fast as may be , for I wil turne christian , and doe thou Hodge too , and in good earnest if thou wilt doe as I will doe , wée will strike a bargaine : thou hast béen a knaue , and art sorry for it , I haue béen a drab , and am ashamed of it , let vs leaue al knauery and sweare honesty , wee shall doe more good with them that know vs when they sée vs , then a thousand of them that looke vpon vs , and will not beléeue vs : Well Madge quoth the Cheator , thou hast almost turning my heart in my belly with this talke of thine , & truely I will soone come home to thée , when it shall be thy fault if wee iumpe not vpon the maine point , but what meanes my Cosen Rainolde to change colour and sit so sad ? Oh cosen quoth hee , I heere you talke of a mendment , and reioyce to heare it , but when I thinke withall vpon mine owne wickednes , it prickes me to the heart to remember it : Oh the false and counterfet wares y ● I haue sold to simple chapmen in the country , where as well in losse of wares , as by imprisonment for breach of payment , I haue vndone a number , and the goods of diuers honest men that I gat into my hands , and then closely ( to cousen my creditors ) played banckrout without neede : Oh Cousen when I kept Shoppe if a poore Gentleman had broke day with me but for forty shillings , I would haue defamed him , with shifter and beggar , and I know not what , but when I had vndone I know not how many , and yet all would not thriue with me , what shall I doe ? Why Cousen , aske God mercy for your sinnes , of that which you haué , pay as far as it will goe , or employ it to such good vse , as may in time make satisfaction , no doubt but God will be mercifull , you will thriue and prosper , and your conscience will be at quiet : say you so Cousen quoth hee , I thanke you with all my heart , and since I haue neither wife nor Children , if yee two make a match , I care not if I spend the residue of my life in your company , I will be a lodger in your house , and we wil liue & die like friends : vpon this they clapt hands , called for their reckonings , and departed , when going out of the doores , the men were both turned to Plouers , and the woman to an Howlate : and thinke you not this a wonder ? Lor. No it is no wonder , that William Plouer and his cousen Roger of Mallets moore , and Sib Howlate of Nilcocks Marsh , should meete at Bulley Market , and drinke a Pot of Ale at the Mag Pie : but for the wonder it was in their talke and turning honest , if the tale bee true as you tell it , but looke you , the Sunne goes lowe , it is time to bee walking , let vs keepe the rest of our wonders till our next meeting . Fran. Content , and it shall goe hard ▪ but I will bee for you : in the meane time farewell . Lor. A●ue . FINIS .