32101 076892643 rrft '■7~"f Y , jUibraxnof -KVtget: "!Sub Ihimin*'' Tfitituei&a Hmtorsriijr. I X Ji LONDON: PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET \Sl> SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLER*. 188]. v ■; ■XWDON: UtADBCRV, AONEW, & CO., FR1NTCH& WHITOTUAM. Jdlt 2, 1881.] Hi PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHA.RTVARI. <• TTTELL, Gentlemen, I 'm very glad to see you both," 6aiJ the genial and sportive Sage, pushing a box of picked TT Tremendidos towards his distinguished guests, "and I shall be delighted to hear your best news. How have things been going with you?" The host eyed his visitors benignly as he addressed them, and Tuby sat up all attention. The visitors looked at each other with a smile, aud there was a short pause. Then the American spoke. "Wal," he said, stretching himself out with comfortable iatisfactiou, "1 am inclined to think, Sir, that the business I have been doing is not burstin' bad. That there hoss I sent to your Epsom Downs I guess would do credit to a Greased Lightning Company, of which the Chairman had not been officially got at." "He would," said Mr. Punch, heartily. "Imq ois is a fine creature, and his form at the finish on the cele- brated First was splendid." Toby, wagged his tail approvingly. "You air a generous people, and no mistake," replied Uncle Sam, acknowlelgiug the high compliment with an affable bow. "And I think we are not less so," interrupted the Frenchman, with a placid smile. "Did we not greet your Foxhall with oorahs, unmixed with the chagrin natural to defeat?" "You air the politest nation of cusses outside Wall Street on settling day that I have had the pleasure of meeting," returned the transatlantic courtier gracefully, with a sly twinkle in his eye. "We arc," replied the Frenchman, with confidence. "And what is more," threw in the Sage cheerily, "you have among you, Monsieur, those to whom defeat not only brings, to use your own phrase, no chagrin, but to whom it is positively salutary." "Yes, Bitters is real grit; that's 6ure," continued the American, reflectively; "and the worst-mannered Opossum that I ever knew intimately, had had his training mostly on neat Molasses." "There was not much stay in that crittur, I calculate," rejoined Mr. Punch, relapsing into the purest Bostonian accent, with good-humoured urbanity; "yet the best judges will sometimes put their money on strange brutes—eh. Monsieur le President f" Monsieur le President! \ ^ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [July 2, 1881. There was a general laugh, and Toby barked merrily. "Well," said the hero of Cahors, accepting the sally with genial dignity, " I admit, to use the language of your turf, that I may have dropped heavily with Scrutin de Liste; but I have something in my stable with more stay in him. Out, Monsieur, I tell you I stand to win the plus grand prix of all, with Dktateur. Come, voyons, will you give me your odds?" He pulled out his tablets as he spoke. The American produced his book. "Stay," said Mr. Punch, intervening, as they were preparing their pencils for business. "Put those things up, and make sure of your money. Whatever odds you give or take, there '11 be a loss somewhere." "Parfaitement," responded the coming President. "You are right, Sir," echoed Uncle Sam. "Why, cert'nly," rejoined Mr. Punch, with much confidence. "I have had some little experience in book- making, for I have a settlement every six months; but, whatever events may have come off in the interval, I invariably win largely." The host rose, and took from the pocket of a sporting-coat a package carefully done up in silver paper. His distinguished guests watched his movements with respectful interest "You do invariably win?" asked the President of the Chamber, in a tone of thoughtful inquiry. Ho was answered by a Parisian bow. The American nodded his head in cute approbation. "Then, Sir," he said, "I calculate that that there book of yours is always a certainty?" The Prince of Book-makers smiled, and unfolded his parcel. "Always," he said, disclosing something very attractive in green and gold as he spoke; "and, if you would like to see how I manage it,—here you are!" And so sayirg, the now radiant Sage produced his (Eigjjticljj Wmut! i/ 'jt\ >.- - PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1881. I IVcomuer 18,1MO. "PHYSICAL GEOGBAPHY." English Auqhr (on this side of the Ticeed). "Hi, Donald ! come over and help me to land him—a 20-poondeb I 'll swear—" l!ightaiuler'(on the other). "It wui.l tak' ye a lano Time to lan' that Push too, d'ye ken, Sir, whatever !—Ye hae heuket the Kingdom o' Auld Scotland!" MOORE MODERNISED. "Quaint and Queku were the Gems she Work" (Ala—"Rich and ra»v were the get.it «he wore") Qcaint and queer were the gem3 she wore, A golden "pig" in each car she bore; She'd flies and beetles and snake- shaped bands, And the rnmmiest rings on her snow-white hanJs. "Lady, why dost thou spoil, I pray, Thy loveliness in this loathly way / Can modern lovers be bought—or sold, By snakes in silver or swine in gold?" "Sir Critic I I feel not the least alarm; For a porte-bonhcur or a pendant charm, The entomological's quite 'the thing,' And a reptile is beauteous as bracelet or ring." On she passed with a radiant smile, Adorned in this very ophidian style; For it's one of Fashion's funniest rigs To deck our maidens with snakes and pigs! Forecast for February. — The month opens cold and raw. 5^i An enTSti>Tn Latid Agent. "I SAT, Dennis, what's this I read aboct a set op Rckflans nearly killing Lord Scarecm's Agent at the Cross-Roads near here?" Waiter. "An, shure, they bate him wid Sticks." Ixind Agent. "Did they beat him badly?" SPARKLERS. (Being short dining-out Stories, carefully selected by our (hen Out-and-Out Diner.) As the Premier, one morning last week, was quitting the Stuffed Birds Department of the British Museum, the guardian directed his attention to a peculiar kind of Eastern goose, the advent of which on any coast was always, he said, " supposed to denote bad weather. Fortunately," added the official, bowing out his dis- tinguished visitor, "it is, as the Latin Grammar has it, Sir, a rare bird, and one, therefore, that we have no wish to see added to the European family." — "I under- stand," replied the Premier, quietly handing his umbrella- ticket to the attendant. "As my friend Lord Beaconsfield would say, it's a case, then, of 'Monte- nigroquc Simillima Duke'igno^" COLWELL HATCHNEY RIDDLES FOR THE Y'EAR. Why does the description of a proud but illiterate paterfamilias showing his wife, Jane, the ex- terior lower regions of a recently built house resemble the First Month? Because it's "Jane—new airey" {January !) Why might theappropriate nick- name bestowed upon a cost-pro- ducing solicitor called Henry by his Cockney associates resemble the Second Month? Because it might be "Fee-brew 'Arry !" (February .') Dwmber 11 1H» ] PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1881. CHEERY MEMS. By an Habitual Growler. AUTHORS. Monday.—De Fob stood in the pillory. Tuesday. — Chattebtox committed suicide. Wednesday. — Milton sold Paradise Lost for £5. Was Milton' rather more sold than the book? Thursday.—Otway died of starvation. Friday.—Fielding was thrown into a sponging- honse. Saturday.—Addison sold up Steele's house and fur- niture. SPARKLERS. (Being thort dining-ovt Slori'S, cirtfttlly nehcted by our Oioti Otlt-and-Otit Diner.) Lord Stbathnairn's habit of Bending round a Five-Act Tragedy, which he wrote when a mere boy, regularly to every stage- door in London, as soon as he supposes that most of the regular dramatic au- thors are at the sea-side, is well known to his inti- mates. The piece, however, has never yet been accepted; but on a report reaching Homburg the other evening that it was at last going to be done at a matinee, at King's Cross, a literary "STRTJTT'S SPORTS AND PASTIMES.' o ;gM Peer, who had himself a play or two of his own on hand, commented with some satire on the fact, that the work had again been "dug out" of its resting-place. "Ah !" said Lord Chelmsford, who happened at that moment to look in for a glass of water, "if that's the case, and it is going to be re- hearsed at last, I hope there will be room enough for the Author himself in the vehicle!" January. CHEERY MEMS. By an Habitual Growler. BUTCHERS. Monday.—Cattle disease broke out. Tuesday.—American beef was first imported. Wednesday. — John Jones was fined for selling bad meat. Tliursday. — Co-operative food stores were started. Friday. — John Jones was imprisoned for selling bad meat. Saturday. — The Great Eastemwaa hired to deliver meat in England at eight- pence the pound. Riddle for Ocean Roveb&— Q. Which is the properest place to cast your theet-anchor in? A. The Bed of the Sea. "BEAUTIFUL FOR EVER "—ALAS! 'On, Mamma, bun it and chaxgc your Gown noon anybody comes!'' "Why, what's the matter?" 'Well, you're only Enamelled for a Square Hodv, vou know, and your Maid has put you on a Lo^v-NECKED Dress I PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1881. [December 13,1 Sr>. THE ECONOMICAL ENTER- TAINER. (For the Use of Small Householders.) How to give a Tlti Hansant.— Ask a hundred and fifty people to occupy looms holding about six- teen with comfort. Pack your guests tight in all your reception- rooms, including the staircase, and put the band on the window-ledge outside. You need not supply any refreshment, as there will not be elbow-room for eating. How to enjoy a pleasant After- noon.—Give an alfresco party in your kitchen-garden. Fix a lawn- tennis net in the cabbage-beds, and lay out a small banquet, con- sisting of sponge-cakes and a few gallons of what you may call "claret cup," under the goose- berry bushes. Should your guests be sufficiently numerous to en- danger the safety of the vegetables, shift them to the front area. Hon to Organise a little Music. —Issue cards for an "At Home," and get any amateurs of your ac- quaintance to sing your guesta as many songs as they will listen, to. When they grow tired of this amusement, let your eldest boy (aged fifteen) give them, vocally, "Nancy Lee," and your youngest daughter (just turned twelve) as many variations as she can re- member of " Home, Sweet Home!" upon the pianoforte. Horn to Entertain your Friends at Dinner.—Ask the richer of your acquaintances to honour you with their company at a banquet given "to celebrate your birthday. If you take proper care that the entertainment is not too costly, the presents you will receive from your guests ought to repay the outlay half-a-dozen times over. How to combine Self-supporting Hospitality and liencvolence.—Get up Amateur Theatricals in your bock drawing-room—for acharity. Tay the expenses out of the pro- ceeds, charging for the tickets, and you may lay a large audience under heavy obligations, without being at any cost for supper, band, or any of the other expenses of a ball or soirie. CULTURE. 1881. Mistress. "As tou've never been is Service, I'm afraid I can't enoaoe tou without a 'Character."" Young Person. "I have three Bchool-Board Certificates, Ma am Mistress. "On, well—I buppose for Honesty, Cleanliness" Young Person. "No, Ma'am—for 'Literatoor," Jooor'pht, an" Free Aot DbawrihM" MOORE MODERNISED. "As the Sun on the Back OF THE RAIN-CLOUU MAY CLOW." (Air :—".4* a beam o'er the face of the waters may glow. ) As the sun on the back of the rain-cloud may glow, Whilst the world is all darkness and dampness below; So the country may bask in warm Phoebus' smile. Though the town is the thrall of the Fog-fiend the while. One fatal infliction, one nuisance that throws Its shade o'er our eyes, and its curse on our nose; To which Science naught of abate- ment can bring, The pall of our Winter, the shroud of our Spring. Oh 1 this thought in the midst of June sunshine will stray, '■ Will the demon long leave us e'en Summer's bright ray?" The beams of the Sun-god play o'er him in rain, Shall the year be all given to Fog's ruthless reign? '. !TT,.r. T • ■" Vnrrwi TSjwt-ct niimivr flnpny PArsTR a Portrait of T.ady Midar. and rises thf.reet TO FAME AND AffHTKSCE. DwmbCT 13,1890.] PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1881. CHEERY MEMS. By the Disappointed Tragedian. ACTORS. Monday. — Shakspeare was a failure as the Ghoit in Hamlet. Tuesday. — Garrick wrote his own press notices. Wednesday.—Drury Lane was burnt down. Hiursdai/.—Covent Gar- den was burnt down. Friday. — Covent Garden was burnt down again. Saturday. — The Ghost didn't walk. COLWELL HATCHNEY KIDDLES FOR THE Y'EAR. Why does the French •'petit nom" bestowed by an indifferent linguist ou his wife resemble an animal peculiar to the Third Month? Because it's a " Ma cJtire" k March hare.') Why does the Fourth Month resemble a profes- sional pugilist suffering from a severe attack of malignant measles? Because it's a'P. R." ill! yApril!) Painless Dentistry.— Filing the teeth of a saw. STRTJTTS SPORTS AND PASTIMES." SPARKLERS. (Being short dining-oat Stories, carefully nehcted by oar Own OutandOut Diner.) "What I the European Concert play a piece to- gether!" said the Sultan, who is very fond of an English joke, and never moves about without a handsomely bound edition of Ollendorff in his pocket, "Why, they don't even yet know the value of their own Xotes." When tho Sheik-ul-Islam had this explained to him later by a couple of dragomen, he was obliged to postpone his evening prayers. CHEERY MEMS. By a Rejected A ddresser. Monday.—Breach of Pro- mise first instituted. Tuesday. — The Divorce Court was opened. Wednesday.—Mr. Buown poisoned his wife. Tftursday.—Mrs. Buown poisoned her huBband. Friday.—Judicial separa- tions were granted in Police Courts. Saturday. —Wife-beating was noticed to be on the March. April. a Dourly Good Game. —Tennis. Twice Fives. TABLEAU VIVANT. Bridegroom (to hit tittle SUter-in-Lan' at trie Breakfast). "Well, Julie, you've got a new Brotwkb now" Julie {"enfant terrible''). "Ye.s; and Ma' raid the other Day to Pa', she didn't thlsk he was MUCH ACCOUNT, on'y it looked like Lottie's last chaste!** [drcat eUtfter of Knives, Fork:*, and Spoons. PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1881. I December IS, 18*1. MEN AND MOTTOBS. Lord Sherbrook (spilt off broken bicycle)— "All the wheels of being Lowe." Tennyson'. Oranrille (looking at kit minority in the Lords)— "Regard the weakness of thy Peer*." Tennyson. Irving—" Follow his strides." "Would he were fatter." "My native English must 1 now forego." Shakespeare. Sir Wilfrid Larnson (holding Permissive BUD— "Thy sole delight is sitting still With that oold dagger of thy 6/7/." Tennyson. "And Buch wet circumstance of waterish words." Swinburne. Lord Honghton— "The Lord of lute and lay.'—Praed. Gladstone (with budget)— "The complete sum and secret of my Will" Swinburne. "Idle old man. That still would manage the authorities That he had given away." Shakespeare. "Oh, well for him whose Will is strong." Tennyson. Wagner— "You shall not bob us out of our Melody." Shakespeare Mr. Smith, M.P.— "The Smith a mighty man is he." Longfellow. Mr. Ibrtter— "And try your hap against the Irish- men." Shakespeabe. Tennyson— "The shadow cloaked from head to foot." Tennyson. "The Idyll singer of an empty day." W. Morris. NINCOMPOOPIAKA. (.1 Test.) Tlie S'ptire. "I believe it's a Botticelli." Prigtbf. "Oh, no! Pardon me I It is HOT a Botticelli. Before a Botticelli I am mlte!" [The Si/uire n-i. op w Bed all snco an' comfer'ablf., while we Sailors has to oo out in the 'owlino Winds an' ragin' Storms to resky poor Fellows trom droundin'. Why, this "KRRY Spy-Glass "(Shows inscription.) "But there "(Modestly saying no more about it.) PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1881. (December IS, JSSR. SPARKLERS. (Beinrt short dining-out Stories, carefully stUctcd by our Own Out • and - Out Dintr.) The peculiar fancy the Duke of Cambridge has for turning up unexpectedly in odd places — a fancy which he is never so fond of indulging as during the height of the dull season—led him, the other morning, quite by chance, into a capital bit of repartee. Haying determined suddenly to Bee the sun rise from the top of the Duke of York's Column, he found himself inside the cage that crowns the monument, whiling away the few hours that precede the Sawn naturally enough over a little political and social gossip with the custodian on duty. The conversation happening to turn on the Prince's recent acceptance of the presidency of the yachting interest, the official, looking hard at his august visitor, said, re- spectfully, "Your Royal Highness professes to like a canter in the Row at this time of year. I should have thought you would have found a more agreeable Ryde opposite Spithead." The Duke smiled, looked thoughtfully for a few moments, and then pointing to the milk-stall beneath, quietly replied, "You don't understand, my good man. "What pleases me best is to lounge here comfortably in sight of Cores." When this mot got down to the Solent, the Com- modore, who chanced to be on the spot, and is never slow in recog- nising a really good thing when he hears it, had every flag in the place run up half-mast high for a couple of days. THE LAST RESOURCE. lighted Customer. "Hum !—Then you don't think tou "ve any stronger than ^3EY 'BE HARDLY" [He had tried every pair in the shop. Look at the pile on the counter. Short-tempered Optician. "Pom my Word, Sir, then I don't see what there is tor you bit a Dooan'string—{emplwtically)—Doo and String, Sir 1" Shortsighted Customer, these? MOORE MODERNISED. "The Plate that Once through Fashion's Halls." (Air :—" The Harp that once through Tara's Halls.") The plate that once through Fashion's halla Esthetic rapture shed, Now hangs upon the kitchen walls Its ancient glory fled. So pass the fads of former days. So Fashion's whim is o'er. Old China that was once the craze Now " fetches" fools no more. No more State-chiefs and ladies bright The Crockery-mania takes; Besty Blue - China breaks, — no fright The tale of ruin wakes. Thus Fashion plays queer tricks with taste, Not long Art-hobbies live: For what their thousands Suniph3 would waste Not twopence now they 'd give. (N.B.—TJi* poet—teste Carlyle— is also seer, and this poem is prophetic.) Thought for the First of April.—The return of the Anni- versary of All Fools may serve to awaken the reflection that the worst of all our fellow-creatures' follies are those which put our- selves to inconvenience and ex- pense. Classic Jotting for July.— Dog Days, why so called? Cur, why? BO'SEN JAMES AND THE GREAT SEA-SARPINT. Three bold Sailormen all went a-saiUu' Out into the Northern Sea, And they steered Nor'-West by three-quarters West Till they came to Norwegee. They was three bold men as ever you 'd see, And these was their Christian names: There was long- leggedBlLLand Curly Dick, And the third was Bo'.sen James ;— And they went to catch the Great Sea-Sarpint, Which they wished for to stop his games. Long - legged Bill was in the main-top a- watchin' For Sea-Sarpints, stem and grim. When through the lee-scupper bold Curly Dick And he says, says he," That's him!" Then quick down the rattlins the long-legged 'un slid,— Which pale as a shrimp was he,— While Dick he rolled forrard into the Cuddy, Where Bo'sen James happened to be, For James he was what you 'd call the ship's Cook, And he was a-makin' the tea. Then says Curly Dick, says he, "Bless my peepers!" (Which his words was not quite those,) "Here's the Great Sea-Sarpint a-comin' aboard, With a wart upon his nose I Which his head 's as big as the Jolly-boat, And his mouth's as wide as the Thames, And his mane's as long as the best bower cable, And his eyes like blazin' flames— And he 's coinin' aboard right through the lee- scupper!" "Belay there 1" says Bo'sen James. Howsever, bold Bo'sen he went down to leeward, While Curly Dick shook with funk; And Long-legged Bill he hid in the Caboose, A-yellin' "We'll all be sunk!" You might a'most heard a marlin- spike drop As Bo'sen James he looked out. Then down through the scupper his head it went, And there came a tremenjous shout, "Sea-Sarpint be blowed, ye darned landlubbers! Who's left this here mop hangin' out?" ONE OF BEN TROVATO'S. Everyone who is anyone in the theatrical world knows Mr. Dion Boucicault by sight, liaven locks, jet moustache, and a beaming eye like Lesbia, or, to be strictly accurate, he has the advantage of Lesbia in possessing two beaming eyes. Judge, then, the surprise of an acquaint- ance of his coming across him suddenly, on the stage of the Adelphi, with grey hair and white moustache. "Heavens! that can't be DlON I" exclaimed the visitor. "Yes," returned the eminent Dramatist and Actor, " it's a lot of Dye on." In fact, he was just going on the stage in a new character, and was "made up." "' Made up!' Like what?" Why—like this story. [Exit. Thing not generally imagined. — That Rowland's Macassar Oil is the best dressing for salad. [December 13, l«o. Dtcdber 1J, !».] PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1881. CHEERY MEMS. By a Communist. ROYALTIES. Monday.—Charles the First of England was exe- cuted. Tuesday. — Louis the Sixteenth of France was executed. Wednesday. — The Em- peror Paul of Russia was murdered. Thursday.—Edward the Second of England was murdered, Friday. — HENRY THE Third of France was mur- dered. Saturday. — Henry the Fourth of France was mur- dered. COLWELL HATCHNEY RIDDLES FOR THE Y'EAB. Why do the lupprntio veri and the suggestio falsi of a money-lending gentle- man of the Hebrew per- suasion resemble the Seventh Month? Because they 're a Jew lie! (July!) WH Ydoes the loud breath- ing of a half-starved car munching a bare bone re- semble the Eighth Month? Because it's a gnaw gust (August.') CHEERY MEMS. By a N'agnostic. CLERGYMEN. Monday—The Rev. Dr. Dodd was hung. Tuesday.—The Rev. Lau- rence Sterne died in a garret. Wednesday. — The Rev. Nicholas Ridley was burnt at Oxford. Thursday.—Huss burnt —but not 'Us, thank Good- ness. JrYiday.—The Rev. Thos. Cranmer was burnt at Oxford. Saturday. — A Meeting was held of the Disestab- lishment of the Church Society. ASTRONOMY FOR BEGINNERS. High-diddle-diddle, the Sun in the middle Of the Planets, the Earth, and the Moon; The little Boy laughed to hear such truth, As 'twas told by a great Buffoon. A Truth for Thinkers. —Homoeopathy won't cure herrings. A Pessimist Proverb. —" Tis a good wind that blows nobody ill." THE LATEST THE SIXTEEN (OB FIFTEEN P) STONE PUZZLE. HOW WILL HE MANAGE IT? Mems. on Mountaineering.—There is no rapid act of climbing to compare with running up a bill. But mind, and beware of a precipice when you get to the top. Climbers, accept this caution from the Land of Ben Lomond. Winteb Leaves.—"Now the New Year has come," people say, " I shall turn over a new leaf." Not at all a seasonable resolution. There are no leaves whatever at this time of year on any of the trees except evergreens. An Appeal from the Police.—A Clown at a refreshment-bar calls for a glass of sherry, and pays for it; drinks the sherry, pockets the glass, and argues that he bought the glass, as well as the sherrv. What does the Bench sav? PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1881. I December 13, leQd NUT- MR. PUNCH'S GUIDE-BOOKS IN A SHELL. [For the us: of those w)w run too fait to read.) No. 1.—Exhaustive Guide-Book to Francs. Asniires.—Resting-place of the Insane on Seine. Boating in all its branches. Correct costume of native "Yott's mans " — hunting-cap, flannel shirt, jack-boots, spurs, and a French horn. Boulogne. — Pronounced "Bo-long,'' because the im- pecunious English residents of the past used to draw the " long bow" here when talking of their lost posses- sions. Motto of the Visitors addressed to the Munici- pality, and founded on the well-known characteristic of the quay—" What's Porto to you is death to us." Chartreuse.—A noted spot for reuses of all sorts. Good place to go to after dining well in Paris, to get a cup of black coffee, a cigar, and a liqueur. Travellers acting upon this advice, should appropriately order the green variety of the pleasant cordial. Dieppe.—On account of the excellent bathing, usu- ally called by the English, "Dip." As the natives make a number of articles out of ivory, our countrymen allude to the place as "tris bone." En.—A. town delightfully situated two and a half miles from Treport. Cardinal Richelieu is reported once to have observed to his Sovereign a propos of the charming site—"Just the placeforEuandme." Louis the Thirteenth smiled at the wit of his Minister, but never forgave the sarcasm. Ibix.—When visiting this mediaeval town (which is 51 miles from Toulouse), the traveller should not forget to take with him his "pink" and "tops." According to the other Guide-Books, it is said that the place can be approached by perplexed voyagers by "pedestrian routes through the moun- tains." This is perfectly true. One of the most popular sports in the South of France is " Fo(i)x-Hunt- ing." Granville. — Not to be confounded with the har- bour of Kamsgate or the Peer of the Cinque Porta. The "Granville Express" associated with this town is a steamboat, and not a despatch-box. Although intimately connected with foreign affairs, it starts from Jersey, and not from Downing Street. Ham. —Thirty-six miles" from Amiens. Savoury pie3 may occasionally be obtained at the "Hotel de Ville et Ham." In 1846, Napoleon the Third escaped from the walls of Ham, and (not unnaturally) never arrived at Sandwich. Itsoire.—In Auvergne. A very small town, much snubbed by its larger neighbours. Is so(i)re in consequence. Le Mans.—A citv ten miles from Rennes. The maids, who admit, in their quaint broken English, "that they like to be near Le Mans." Macon.—Supposed to be of Scotch extraction. A very melancholy spot. The people are univer- sally known by their wines. Nice.—Not to be confounded with the neigh- bouring Monaco—which is naughty. This is Nioe. Orleans.—Excellent place for buying every sort JRoucn.—A city between Havre and the capital. In the neighbourhood the Abbey Church of Can- teleu is much out of repair—unquestionably on the road to Rouen. Sens.— Seventy miles from Paris. It is said Thomas a Becket took refuge here. The Archbishop had a great respect for the intelli- gence of the inhabitants. He is supposed to have considered them the most sensible people in France. Uriage.—A hydropathic establishment 1360 feet above the level of the sea. It is scarcely necessary to repeat, for the thousandth time, the derivation of the name. All the world knows that youth is allowed by the inhabitants ample time for a bath, but that veterans are treated with harsh irrita- bility. Hence the un- enviable title, 'Urry age I Vichy.—The last town on the present list. A rather used-up bathing-place. For this reason it is sometimes called, by disgusted Cock- neys, " Vichy vashy." Bailit ilcScrcm (Jo Smith, who u on a short visit to the North). Mester Smeth?" »•_!_« Smith. "Tomorrow? Oh, nothing particular. I ve so Engagement, DaUic. "An' the next Nicht?" Smith. "Ah! on Friday I've promised to Dine with the Browns Bailit. "Man, that's a petty! Aw was gai'N t' aihk ye to tak' yer of manufactured article. The Maid of Orleans has ever been famous for goodness. Paris.—Branch establishment (in France) of Leicester Square. From the earliest days to the present time Venus and her well-dressed sex have bowed to the Judgment of Paris. The Bois de Boulogne is not properly in the city, but is close to the fortifications, as close as the ivy to the oak. And yet, in spite of this assertion, the spot can be SPARKLERS. (Bang short dining-out Stories, carf/t'tly selected by our Own Out-und-Out Dtlier.) The Duke of Richmond and GOKDON'sweaknessfor calling public attention to his connection with the Four-in-Hand Club, by send- ing his own coach every morning round the now deserted Park, crowded with any celebrities he can get together on the roof, is well known. The other day, just as the team were being taken, at a sharp canter, across the ornamental shrubberies that divide Albert Gate from the Row, one of the leaders, who was a little fresh, got his off foreleg over the iron bar reserved for the passage of water-carts, and, by his struggles to extricate it, for a few moments threatened the safety of the vehicle and its occupants. There being among the latter several Colonial Bishops, a distin- guished vendor of patent medicines, the Lord Chan- cellor, the two Aquarium Giants, the Turkish Ambas- sador, and Mr. Mathew Arnold, the repartee, when it was suggested that some one "ought to get down," was fast and furious. The merriment somewhat sub- siding, Mr. Arnold, who had hil.herto kept his counte- nance, turned to Lord Sel- borne, and, in his quietest manner, said, " I think, my Lord, this is your business. YCA already know what it is to be called to the liar." '"Yes," was the prompt and witty reply," but for all that I am not a Mrr Tighter/ When, by the common consent of toe party, they drew up a little later opposite the Knightsbridge Barracks, and repeated this mot to the Duke, who, as was his wont, was riding rilone inside, with the shutters up, he got out and walked home. Saying by a Spendthrift.—" Save not, lose er wi' us o' Friday :;. CHEERY MEMS. By an Ex-M.P. .Vonday.— Mr. PARNELL was elected. Tuesday.—The Sandwich Commission was opened. Wednesday.—Mr. 0*D0N- xell was elected. TJinrtday.—The Oxford Commission was opened. Friday. — Mr. Biggar was elected. Saturday.—The Maccles- field Commission was opened. COLWELL HATCHNEY RIDDLES FOR THE Y'EAR. Why do the words imme- diately following- " nothing left" in a carefully accurate description of the remain- der of a bnrnt-out wood fire resemble the teehnical names bestowed upon bar- rels of table ale brewed during the Ninth Month? Because they are "except ember" (XSeptember!) Why would the conver- sion of a light Rhine wine into a popular malt beve- rage containing alcohol re- semble an alteration in the title of the Tenth Month 1 Because it would be changing " Hock to beer 1" {October..') "STRTJTT'S SPORTS AND PASTIMES." CHEERY MEMS. By the Leviathan De PhauUer. RACING MEN. Monday.—Capt Welsh was born. Tuesday.— The St. Leger Favourite was nobbled. Wednesday. — Running Rein won the Derby. Tliursday.— Brown was warned off Newmarket Heath. Friday. — Jones was warned off Newmarket Heath. Saturday. — Robinson was warned off Newmarket Heath. WISEACRE'S WEATHER WISDOM. On Michaelmas Eve if the Goose should crow, In December expect neither frost nor snow; But at Michaelmas Tide, an the donkey bray, It may freeze and snow both upon Christmas Day. September. October. Medieval Medium.— On sale at all Alchemists— Elixir Vita;. A Financial Guy I Fawkes. — A Man of Straw. THE PHOT0PH0NE. NmMtur Victor (Villa dela Fatal*, Boulogne). "Oh, charmaste Mow! 'ave adjusted ze Vinder or TOCB Chambahe! Oh! mus Angelina!!" At last 11 Kin Angtllna (TV Z>m Fotlftone). "Hish, Monsieur Victor I—not so loud ( Remember that Anna Maria bleeps in the next Room!!" PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1881. [December 13, Hsn. Biiln- Jones the. Magnificent, with Stranger. "A little Surprise for you, Mrs. J,! COME AND TRY POT-LUCK WITH UK; AND I HOPE YOU WON'T STARVE HIM, HAY, MY LoVE?" Mrs. Janes (curtseying). "There's no fear of TffjT, MR. Wiooiss. I oot my husband's Telegram in time I IMPROVED RELATIONS. (lion-Political.) In Paterfamilias* Opinion.—A Materfamilias leas fond of holi- days, parties, and curtain lectures; sons more enamoured of economy, and daughters less devoted to dress. In Materfamilias' View. — A Paterfamilias less liberal of grum- bles, and less conservative of cheques; sons prompter at "get- ting on," and daughters readier at "going off;" rich uncles and opulent aunts who do not "make fools of themselves"—by marry- ing. According to "The Boys."—A "Guv'nor" more squeezable, a "Slater" less fussy, sisters less exacting, and (she) cousins more kissable. According to "llic Girls."—A Papa more like Danae's lover; a Mamma less resembling Argus; brothers less chary of little services and introductions to "eligible" male friends; younger sisters less sharp and saucy ; (he) cousins with nattier moustaches, and greater aptitude for harmless flirtation; uncles less oblivious of birthdays, and maiden-aunts less given to lay-sermons. Ina Bachelor Uttcle'iOpinioit.— Nephews and nieces with " bumps" of reverence much more strongly developed, and "organs" of de- structiveness far less so. In a Splatter Aunt's Opinion.— Married sisters more tolerant of the disinterested advice invidi- ously called "interference ;" married brothers less blindly trust- ful of the domestic economy of Let me introduce Mr. WioorKS, whom I have persuaded to take his chance, and their wives; nephews that never play tricks, and nieces never im- patient of homilies. In a Mother-in-law's Idea.— A son-in-law whose roof is always over her head and whose wife is entirely under her thumb. «DE MINIMIS." Old Gentleman (musical). "Have you any Plane-Tree Wood »" Timber Merchant (trliose hopes are raised in anticipation 0/ a good order these hard times). "Yes, Sir—pray walk in, Sir—as fine a Stock as any' in Town, Sir, Would you prefer it in the Plank or in the—ah—Loo?" Old Gentleman. ''Oh, thanky", I'm not particular. I Want a Bit for a Fiddle- Bridge 11" MOORE MODERNISED. "When He who now Bores Thee." (Air :—" When he who adores thee.") When he who now bores thee has left but the fame Of his one little weakness behind, Oh! say wilt thou smile when they mock at his name,— I7tou, to boredom so sweetly resigned? Nay, weep, and however my face may condemn Thy tears shall efface their decree; For though I have often been shut up by them I have always found patience in thee. To buttonhole thee was my con- stant delight, Every cock-and-bull story was thine, Each mare's nest I found I exposed to thy sight, To my twaddle thine ear thou'd'st incline. Oh! blest be thy kindness which hearing would give To my fulsomest fiddlededee. The great race of Buttonhole-Bores could not live, Were it not for Pill-Garlics like thee! IMtaberM.ueoo PUNCH'S ALMANACK.FOR 1881. CHEERY MEMS. By one of the Wooilcn. Heads of Old England. SAILORS. Monday.—H.M.S. Dun- derhead went aground. Tuesday.—H.M.a Stupid and H.M.S. AW Thencame into collision. Wednesday.—n.W.S. In- competent was wrecked. Thursday.—H.M.S. lllun- derer surrendered to the Americans. Friday.— H.M.S. Daudk taken by Van Tkomp. Satunlay. — H.M.S. Pot Yuliant surrendered to De ECYTER. COLWELL HATCHNEY RIDDLES FOR THE YEAR. Why might the last Two Months cause perfectly groundless apprehension in the mind of an absurdly superstitious hypochon- driac? Because their initials supply two-thirds of "end," and their finals commence '• ber-eavement!" (X-ovcin~ ler and D-ecemhcr I) [»,• Colwell Hatchney Correspondent having been kicked into the middle of next week, now writes to cay, that he is a century in advance of his time, and wishes to remain there. "STRTJTT'S SPORTS AND PASTIMES." CHEERY MEMS. By a Deputy Portsokcn. TEETOTALLERS. Monday.—Hops were in- troduced into England. 1'aesday. — Bass was elected a Member of Par- liament. Wednesday.—Pitt drank three bottles of port. Thursday.—Allsopp was elected a Member of Par- liament. Friday.—Fox drank three bottles of port. Saturday. — Guinness was made a Peer. November. December. DARWIN'S LAST. In his latest production of philosophical research, Mr. Darwin demonstrates that no hard and fast line can be drawn between plants and animals, and shows them to be shaded by definite gradations into each other. He adduces many remarkable illustra- tions of the sensibility to light exhibited by some subjects of the vegetable kingdom; but amongst these instances, he makes no mention whatever of any approach to vision dis- covered in the eyes of po- tatoes. Hawker's Evening Potion.—Punch. Hem York Milliennairesfa «'»»<< I" start for Evnpc. Then arc atudijiit'j—nnt Murray and Baedtker—ck, dear, no !—hut Burlt and Dclrctt, and taking note of all the unmarritd rcers. Clara can Ikxpnbtck. "What a pitv thev dos't publish their Photographs as weil ai their Aues and titles! PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1881. [T*crmt*r \ 1?J». THE BATTLE OF THE STYLES. "Deabest, do you know you grieve me More than I can well express, You are lovely, but believe me, Something 's wrong about your dress. It may be the height of fashion, What in fact is always worn, But—don't get into a passion— Change it ere the 'morrow morn." Then she wore a jersey fitting Like an eel-skin all complete, With a skirt so tight that sitting Was an agonising feat. Cried she, with supreme conviction "This, I think, will suit the men i It was not a benediction, That he breathed upon her then! Like a kind obedient lady, Straight the good wife went, I ween. Robed herself in vesture shady, Faced him in a sad sage green. Quoth she, bowing to correction, "Here's the last aesthetic ' fad ;'" Said he, with wild interjection, "Bless me, dear, you must be mad." Still she kept her temper sweetly And with aggravating smiles. Dressed herself—and did it neatly In a mixture of nil styles. Modern, classic, Dolly Varden; —Then she brought him to his knees I For he cried, "I beg your pardon. Dress in future—as you please I" ^H "V^V^ LOST! HER HAT, HIS HEAD! Scene—During a run with the Nanlshire Hounds. Zlttle Flurry hentling Oracle Dash her hat, ket at the jump.—She. "Oh, thanks, Mr. Flvbry, so MITCH!" lie. "Xut at all—don't mention it. I'» spue you 'd do the bi.mk fob me I r Januabt 8, 1881.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI ALL ABOUT IT. [From Our IrritabU Catechist.) Question. Well,—have yon Been the Queen's Speech yet t Answer. I have. Here you are :— My Lords and Gentlemen, 1 have received really handsome Christmas Cards from Mr. Parnell and nearly all the other Great Powers of Europe. Gentlemen of the House of Commons, You mil have, whether you like it or set, as usual to pay for everything. My Lords and Gentlemen, My Government will submit to you a proposal for the more comfortable settlement of Irish landowners in the Cannibal Islands. They are also preparing a measure which will enable me to cover the whole of this discontented portion of my empire with wood pavement; an arrangement which I confidently trust will, under the superintendence of an experienced Stage Manager, afford to popular agitators ample and agreeable room for their frequent performances. You will also be called upon to consider the nature of fog. —And that's all. Q. Thanks. And now, who on earth are the Boers? A. Half Dutch; but in their present attitude just equal to Double Dutch; and evidently on their own Dutch mettle. Q. What do they want? A. More Potchefst-room. Anything. Everything. How should I know. Perhaps Bartle Frere'b head! Q. Dear me, you surprise me. By the way, who is Sir Bartle Frerb? A. An escaped South-African Emperor who has written to the Times. In early life he was a Mastodon Minstrel, but now he is to be seen daily, from ten to four, anywhere for nothing. Will that do for yon P Q. Thank yon, capitally. And now can you telTme Mr. Forstbr's very last joke about the withdrawal of Lord Chief Justice May P A. Certainly. He said that though justice in Ireland had often been measured out to order, he had no wish himself to see it ready may'd. Q- Quite so. And on the point of this being fully explained to the Premier at the last Cabinet Council by all the Members in turn, did he see it and laugh P • A. No, he didn't. * Interrogator. Thank yon. And now I think that that will perhaps be enough for this week! TEMPERANCE AND TRUTH. Dh. Edmunds in a letter to the Times, has advanced the claims, and notified the merits of the London Temperance Hospital, to which he is Senior Physician. The rule enforced in this institution, although "the medical staff are in no way restrained from the use of alcohol," as an exception, is that of the entire disuse of spirituous and fer- mented liquors in both food and physic; in fact, the practice of Total Abstinence. Now, "Temperance" is "moderation opposed to gluttony and drunkenness." As synonymous with Total Abstin- ence, and opposed to Moderation, the word Temperance obviously conveys the insinuation that Moderation is Intemperance. All possible success to the London Temperance Hospital, and to a similar Charity about to be established in the Hampstead Road; but let things be called by their right names, and not anything by a name which implies an illogical fib. Unseasonable Announcement. The Times' City Artiole the other day contained the statement that— "There has been more business done in Minoing Lane than usual so noar Christmas." Of course, for the mince pipe, of which, perhaps, many more than usual were eaten. Good! BY NEW YEAR'S EVE. A Gentleman of whom we hear a great deal to-day is "Tom Orrow." VOL. LXXX. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 8, 1881. OPENING OF PARLIAMENT. introduction or A fifth party. _ Thereis one member^of this'establishment who, with'the excep- tion of a little work done in the Christmas week, has passed 7a long life of idleness. We allude to Toby, and will add, that we noUonger intend that he shall bear the reproach of being a lazy dog. Casting about for some means of occupying his time with credit to himself and benefit to mankind, we have determined to make him a Member of Parliament. He will represent us chiefly; but as prejudice must be respected, and it is necessary for Members having seats in the House to derive their title from some recognised constituency, we have determined to return him for Barkshire. Of course, it would have been equally easy for us to have sent him to Parliament for Punchestown, the Isle of Skye, or even the Isle of Dogs. But apart from the circumstance that these places are not enfranchised, a county is more respectable. Toby wul, therefore, sit for Barks, which we give notice to Parliamentary humbugs of all sorts, will not be worse than his bite. In politics Toby has strict instructions to be a Punchite —that is to say,ne will speak what he thinks, regardless of Whig or Tory, Radical or Conservative, Home- Buler or Fourth Party. "Tros Tyriusque mihi nuUo discrimine agetur " will be his motto, to the disappointment of superficial persons who will at once suppose it would be Cave canem! Toby has already been favoured with notes from Mr. Gladstone and Sir Stafford Northcote, informing him that Her Majesty has been pleased to fix the Sixth of January for the assembling of Parlia- ment. It is added, that ":business~o£the[first importance will at'once be proceeded with," and it is hoped.it may suit Toby's convenience to be in his place on the dayTnamed. Toby begs to inform his dis- tinguished correspondents that it certainly will. But it may save trouble and postage-stamps if, on the eve of taking his seat, the Whips on either side are once .for all advised that they need not send to the Fifth Party reminders to be present and vote on occasions, great or small. He will always be in his place, and will vote as he pleases, being animated solely by a sense of his duty to his world- wide constituency and his life-long master. It is a general practice for the Whips on either side to assist in the ceremonial of introducing new Members. In the case of the Member for Barks, an arrangement has been come to which will, we trust, prove satisfactory to all, and will clearly stamp his position of perfect independence of party. He will be brought up to the table to take the oath, by the Leader of the House, and the Leader of the Opposition. As this is a circumstance unparalleled in Parliamentary history, it has been found desirable to have a rehearsal of the scene, which enables us in advance of the meeting of Parliament, to furnish a sketch of the historical incident. We shall next week publish our first extracts from Toby's Diary, which, under the usual heading " Essence," will be continued from week to week throughout the Session, and will probably throw a fresh and cheerful light on Parliamentary Proceedings. January 8, 1881.] PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A CRY FROM THE HEART. iitffe Durcce {looking up suddenly from her History book). "Oh, Mummy SA.ni.ixo, I do so wish I 'd lived under James THB Second!" Mamma. "Why?" Little Dunce. "Because I see here that Education was very much neglected in his reion!" MORE FROM MADEIRA. Sib.—1 am making a tour of the world, which I dare say you mayn t know is round, and have only just got the papers of a year and a half ago. In one of them I rind that you have informed a Correspondent, by means of a post-card, that in your opinion " the office of Gentleman Usher of the Black Rod might conceivablv be dispensed with without entailing the destruction of the Empire.1' Now, Sir, as I am not in my place in the House of Lords to im- peach you for this atrocious language, and as I don't think that Lord Salisbury would undertake the job if I were to write and ask him, I am forced to tell you that a Minister of your high gifts of eloquence cannot be supposed to be indulging in idle platitudes. You were not on your first hustings, nor indeed on any hustings at all, when you made this ominous remark. You were then, little though you might think it, inaugurating a levelling and destructive policy, incompatible alike with your duty to the Crown and your fame as a politician. I will not go into history, as doubtless you would be unable to follow me there; and as I only happen to nave with me a sixpenny abridgment of Mrs. Markham, Dut I could show you that the office of Gentleman Usher of the Black Rod is indissolubly bound up with all that is high and holy in our Constitution. I will only add that I conceive in all humility—a quality which is, I hope, conspicuous throughout this letter—that a Minister of the Crown is bound to show respect to any and every office and institu- tion in the land,—the bad as much as the good, if not more. You may perhaps urge that this would render all reform impossible, and all proposals of reform treasonable, and so it would. Why should you reform anything? I 've written to J. B. of Rochdale. Haven't seen the papers, so don't know if he has replied. I am quite happy here, and will only indignantly subscribe myself Your obedient Servant, C-BN-BVOJC. The Sight Hon. W. E. Gl-dst-ne. RESOLUTIONS FOR 1881. {Proposed and Carried Unanimously.) 1. To pay cash. 2. Not to" stay so long at the Club. 3. To give up everything that disagrees with me. {Mem. First find out exactly what does disagree with me.) 4. To cut down my consumption of cigars. 5. To take the girls and mamma abroad, instead of sending them to Ramsgate, and going to Homburg by myself. 6. To have no opinions as to the favourite for any race. 7. To wear out my old clothes. 8. To cultivate a modest opinion of my ability as a whist-player. 9. To eschew suppers. 10. To ignore hansoms, aad patronise the Underground Railway. 11. To hear old stories with a smile. 12. To know the aristocracy without mentioning the fact. 13. To let the girls stay for the last dance at a ball. 14. To believe that I am sometimes wrong. 15. To improve what mind I have left. 16. To agree with my wife on all subjects. Impossible Inconsistency. Sir Wilfeid Lawson has, of course, not thought it necessary for him to repudiate the declaration ascribed to him in divers reports of a recent speech of his:— "Rather than see mv fellow-subjects in Ireland drenched in blood and crushed down by the military, I, for one, will heartily go in for a separation from England." It must appear to anybody far too absurd to be credible, that the idea of a possible Repeal of the Union could ever have been contem- plated in any circumstances by the President of the United Kingdom Alliance. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 8, 1881. FROM THE RANKS. I. "Badged and Badgered." Sib,— You '11 excuse me intruding but as I 'm a bit of a scholard for my rank in life (which mustn't be confounded with the "Load of Hay" at Paddington, where I 'm usually to be found). I 've bin asked by my pals to put it to you straight that there are other noosances about town to tidy upbesides cabbage- stalks. We London Cab- bies are a useful body of men who ought to be con- sidered, and maybe, just to begin the New Year with, if you 'd take our part, we should be more respected and less nagged at. There's no end, Sir, to the aggravations we 're ex- peoted to accept smiling. And we do smile a won- derful deal considering— but let's just shovel our eoals on, and thinlr out our subject proper. ,. . ,. . , . We've bin told the com- pany of horses was demoralising, therefore we 're all a bad lot to- gether perhaps; but I never heard that engines were depraving, did you? But, bless your heart, what's the use of argifying f I never argue when an old lady waves her umbrella at me. I only admire the prospect on the other side of the road. I 'd just like to have a bit of chinwag with you on the quiet about the true and real troubles of a Cabby, and if you '11 promise to help to put 'em right, I '11 be flad to drink to luck at your expense. Grievances! There are eaps of 'em, surelie; some false, some a deal too real. Think o' the long winter nights, with no one to talk to and nothing to drink and nobody to carry, and nothin' to think of but the last little row with the Missus: and then there's the police, who are our natural enemies, and stalk us as they do the stags up north, and enjoy the stirring of us up when we 're doing no harm whatever; and the fares who have no consciences and no millr of human natur, and are disgracefully ignorant of distances but pretend they 're not; and the old girls who want to be called " milady," and would like a footstool and a glass of water and an inspection of all the sights between fc>t. i'aul s and the South Kensington for a tanner; and the ramshakle cabs and broken-down horses we 're given by our masters to earn an honest living with. Now I 'm out of breath, bein' wheezy There now—that's grievance No. I., tho' you won't think much of it, I daresay. People talk of masters and servants, and how they ought to work together like doves in a cage. With us it ain't pos- sible, I say; for tho' we 're servants we ain't paid wages as your foot- man is in that swell house of yourn. I know it, for many a set down have I had at that there door. "We pay the guv'nor so much a day tor the loan of a clarence or a shoful and a pair of horses and what- ever we make over and above that we keep. And oh the dreadful tumble-down things that some of us get from these cruel heartless men! Shave-drivers I calls 'em. My master's name is "Old Skjnnum," which is short for Skin-em-alive-oh !—(his yard is out Kennington way)—and he do skin us, that's a fact—the Vampire. It s like being sent to dig in a field with a broken spade. "I must ave my money," he says, "whether you 've any to take 'ome or not. You re a lazy scoundrel, for the Inspector's passed the trap, and he ought to know." What does he care so long as he can get the Inspectors to pass the shandrydans and hoodwink the Cruelty to Animals Society? And then besides him there 's the horsekeepers— a set of harpies—who won't clean up the rotten harness unless they ve yard-money, or take the mud off the crazy carriage without being paid for it. And the publio, when they git in a fourwheeler as smells like a family vault as hasn't been opened for a centurv and reeks with disease m its greasy cushions, and catches 'em bv the throat and chokes 'em, don't abuse those who've passed it just to make themselves agreeable like to old Skinnum, but they take it out of me by cutting off the extra sixpence as makes all the difference at the end of the day. And upon my word, I 've not the sperit some- times to have it out with 'em. A jolly good wrangle is good for all of us, now and then. It keeps the blood flowing and the lunirs in order and the wits straight. But if poor I'm proud, Sir, and don't like sneers. I object to chippin'. Jeers I abominate, though a fawning f ellow-oreature I despise. If I 'm set to drive a slap-up lot 1 m as pleased as the gen'leman on the outside of your paper, Sir, and can Rive and take and keep the ball a-rolling when I rattle like gTeased lightning by a pal in the street; but when Old Skinnux owes me one (when I've made a joke for instance about his red nose and cheeks full of holes like crumpets, and he 's overheard me), whv then 1 hang my head—I do, honour. Sir—and choose all the meanest and most roundabout streets while the fare 's a cussing inside, lest a pal should be ungenerous, and chaff. Just at this present time I 'm in bad luck, Sir, for (and it breaks my heart to think of it) I'm driving as second horse a beast that makes me blush and look t 'other way, which leads to awkward collisions sometimes, and accidents, and then people say I 'm drunk, while, may be I 've not earned so much as would permit me to stand at a publio bar with honour. If t other ohaps are standing drinks, of course I '11 do the same, or else 1 snouldn t have no business to be there. For if poor I has manners. Wo, bir—it isn t drink as does it. It is that the sight of that bony back and them drooping ears give me the horrors like—a kind of trimming—and so I don't always see what's coming when my eyes are shut. The father of that horse was a mat, and his mother was a nosebag, I know; and I get insulted by the gentlefolk when I stop where two streets cross, and put up a finger with an appealing grin, as a man must condescend to do in the dead season or starve—how- ever haughty he may choose to be, with a flower in his buttonhole and a straw in his mouth, and his nose in the air, and a nobby white hat with a narrow black band in June and July—and the people toss their heads and giggle, while the Bobby roars, "MoTe on!" with a snigger of contempt as if to say that me and my shabby lot ought to be swep from the face of the earth. And I 'm not prepared to say he s wrong ; but is it my fault, I 'd like to know, if my master's spite turns me out a laughing stock; and if after grinning and holding up a finger all day, till the water gathers in my eyes to think there's another brat a coming, I get home wearied out by nightfall, with a sad heart and nothing in my pocket to buy bread with for the precious kids, and my figure-head as long as a shoful-whip? Oh! The way I 've bin treated by some of my fares, who I looked on as honest,—but that s another grievance, and I 'm trespassing on your valuable space, and so will tell you all about them blackguards another time. Yours respectfully, Thoxas Hograk [Better knoicn in the trade as TOMMY THE Toff). "THE (UN)-FORTUNATE ISLE." A Masque {after the fashion of Ben Jonson and Inigo Jones), arranged by Will Gladstone and Ben D'ticon for perform- ance at St. Stephen's on Twelfth Night, 1881. Scene—Without the portals of St. Stephen's the Masquers, mustered, are being marshalled by Punohius, Master of the Revels. Punchius. Ho! gentles all and gallants, welcome! Sir Will (fetching a deep sigh). Thanks! Yet could we spare some players from our ranks, Whose motley wild would mar the gayest masque. Ben B'ymion. Aha! my Frankenstein, your Imp may task Its ill-advised Creator's utmost skill. Punchius {genially). Gentles, it is the season of good-will. Sir Cecil (grimly). Marred by a Wnx that's bad, beshrew him! Squire Randolph (eagerly). Yes! Ben D'tmion sole ne'er made so crass a mess Of Masqiiing. The MacaUum More (acidly). C'est son mttier! He's a mummer Born to the motley. Would the moon of Summer On Latmos kissed him to as lasting sleep As bound the spooney shepherd! Squire Randolph. Well, Ben's sheep Follow his crook, at least, but t'other flock Punchius. Gentles, we 're here to masque, and not to mock. Lord of Misrule (gesticulating wildly). Whirroo! Who prates of the Unfortunate Isle? Behold its Lord! The Welsh Knight (mournfully). Too true! I Gazes reproachfully at Sir Broadbrim. Sir Will (making the best of it). But for awhile, Ere the Masque ends there's one I need not name Shall play the new St. Patrick, and your game, 0 motley Anarch! stopped, the Isle shall be At onoe from you and from misfortune free, And need new naming. Ben B'ymion (sardonically). Ah! may I suggest Inew Anticyra P Mother Shipton. Faith, a subtle jest! Well hit, Ben D'tmion! Sir Cecil, Helleboreiat least Is wanted in the West as in the East To purge such policy. ,• January 8, 1881.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Squire Randolph. And collyrium too. Sir Broadbrim. Young springald, herb o' grace might better you. Welsh Knight [offering a stoup). Try some Madeira. You look something hot. Sir Broadbrim [icily). Nay, good my Lord, the liquor likes me not Lord of Misrule [advancing with fantastic flourishes and loud yells). Hurroo! Make way there! Mine this Masque, and mine The honours of this Twelfth Night muster! Sir Will [haughtily). Thine t Lord of Misrule [stcaggering). Let the Isle's voices say! [Pushes towards portal. Sir Will [repulsing him). Back, braggart, back! Too long, perchance, a tether something slack Hath let your noises lord that Isle, which yet Hath other voices than Misrule's. You fret, But shall not foil. Punchius. Exactly so. Give way! Your shindy wearies; list another lay! Song. "Wake, Albion, Ruler of the Seas, Holding of many ports the keys, And to your Neptune tell That Erin, greenest of the Isles, Shall greet us yet with loyal smiles, Content with us to dwell. Chobus. Then think it not a common cause That to such early muster draws The Swells of Parliament. Together let them tune their notes, Or answer to the Public Votes That Members hither sent. Blend all the wisdom of the Whigs, And all the Tories' nous; Rads' rare restraint from o'er rash rigs, The patience of the House; Add all the favour of the Court, The Public's interest, and, in short, Mingle all wits 'gainst Anarchy's assaults, That none may say Justice's Triumph halts, Swear Law goes lame, or pitifully smile On hapless Erin as the Unfortunate Isle I The Masquers dance their Entry. The Revels follou). HOTES FROM THE DIARY OF A CITY WAITER. "We had rather a grand Night on Toosday at Mer- chant Tailers All, wen we made Sir Fre- derick Roberts a Freeman and a Tailer, and proud he must ha' felt at the honor. We are jolly per- tickler we Mer- chant Taylerses is who we makes free of our Kraft, and no wunder, considerin as we has no less than 4 Monnerks amung 'em. We hadareglar swell Cumpenny in- cludin the Lord Mare, Lord Lyt- ton from Ingy, (who Brown wanted to pur- gwade me was only a Poet, but I warn't quite so green as to believe that rubbish.) 3 or 4 Judges lots of M.P.s 5 Masters of Cumpennys and no less than 6 Aldermen! That was sumthink like a Gompenny that was. The Song Book told 'em the old story about " God save the Queen," how it was composed by Dr. John Bull and written by Bbn Jonson for the Merchant Taylers' Cumpenny, just after Guy Fox's little job was found out. I wunder now many on 'em be- keved it! As if eVry fool didn't know as we hadn't got no Queen CHERRY UN-RIPE. Suggestion by a Younq Artist (at Home for the Holidays) for a Graphio Companion Picture to Mr. Millais' charming "Chsrry Rips." when Gtrr Fox was blowed up. The Master when he proposed Genral Robebts's health, told him that not only was he now a Free quit' thought he wood, and returned thanks as carmly and as coollie as if he'd Deen a Lord Mare, instead of a mere General. I never heerd a man talk so little about hisself. It was all about his Soljers, what brave nobel fellers they was, what short commons they enjured without no complaints, and what temtashuns they withstood without a murmer. Why I 've heerd Majors and Captmgs talk away all about theirselves, and what they did, and what they meant to do nex time, that beat Sir Frederick holler, and even Captings of Wollenteers goes on sometimes in a way that estonishes even us Waiters, about what they means to do when the Ennemy lands, and offen talks louder and longer than he did. — Lord Lytton spoke out Tike a reel Lord, and called us a Wenerubel Cumpenny, which it's quite a new name to me. I hope as nobody ain't goin to worry us. "And so say all of us." We then went thro' the usual Rooteen of buttered Toasts, and then they all got up and went away, Sir Frederick leavin on his plate some of the finest grapes as I ever tasted. Ah, what a different world it would be, and what different people lots of people would be, if all that's said in after-dinner speeches was Trew! Real Ass-asa-ins. In the Times, Friday, Dec. 31, 1880, we read :— "A Correspondent states that the donkey on which Lord and Lady Lans- Downe's little children were in the habit of riding when they wsre at Dereen Home, Kenmare, has been mutilated, and in ears cut off." Perhaps before our comment appears Lord ShalPEBSBUBY will have retracted his latest opinions on the Irish question. If not, this wanton outrage on one of his protigis should reuse his righteous indignation. 10 [January 8, 1881. PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI. OUR MERRY-GO-ROUNDER AT THE CHRISTMAS SHOWS. "The children are at home for the holidays," says jolly old Paterfamilias Punch, "let's give 'em a round of amusements and the pick of the Pantomimes." So here goes for all the fun of the Fair, or as much of it as we can compress into a limited space. First, of course, comes Old Drury. Here the children's old friend, Mr. E. L. Blanchabd has illustrated the story of La Belle au Bois Dormant (as the playbills have it] in a grand Christmas Annual. With such a present, "The Lane" should be a long one "without a turning" from success. A young lady called Little Addie is Mother Goose, and is more than an Addie-quato representative of that frisky matron. Mr. Ridley is "the Goose"—no end of a Goose in fact—and that there is not a Greater Goose in all Pantomime Land, we can Ridley believe. As to scenery, the audience has full change for its money. Nothing could be better than Mother Goose's Farm in Lowther Arcadia," with its Dance of Dolls by the "Children of the National Training School." Good again is the Royal Nur- sery with "working pictures." Miss Kate Santley discourses most excellent music, and dances with the grace of a fairy and the assistance of a Roberts and a J ui.ii:>' Gerard. Splendid scenery, good acting, and a capital "book." Mr. Alfred Thompson is to be congratulated on the costumes, bright, fanciful, and novel. Covent Garden—Valentine and Orson.—Magnificent! The Lane has The Goose, but the Garden has The Taylor, that is, Mr. James Taylor, who is invaluable as King Pippin. And then there is The Goose Step and a Little One Addie'd. The Covent "Garden Parti." Master Laurj, who represents a Young Bear, and is the very cleverest of Cubs. When Orson is "endowed with reason," he insists on this Cub being shaved like a poodle, and then dressed as a gay young dog about town. "Cupid's Home in Watteau Land" is emphatically the most magnificent picture ever presented on a stage. If Mr. Beverley had not been covered for nearly half a century with a perfect forest of triumphant evergTeens, this scene would give him enough laurels to serve him for a couple of hundred bowers. The Hall of Chivalry, with its hundreds of brilliantly attired Knights and Ladies, can scarcely be surpassed; and the glade in "the New Forest," where Covent Garden is turned into a perfect Bear-Garden, is the very acme1 of scenic deception. Bravo Hicks! Here the Vokes family appear to the greatest advantage. Vic- toria is a gallant Valentine, singing, dancing, and playing as well as ever. Mr. Fawdon is eccentric as usual, and as for Mr. Fred, there is no necessity to say that he has fallen upon his legs, and is, therefore, excellently "supported." To finish with, Mr.' Fred Payne is a really humorous Clown. The Surrey.—Hop o' my Thumb, or, Harlequin Nobody, Some- body, Busybody, and the Wicked Ogre with the Seven League Boots, a title, which in its crispness, reminds one of the old days of the Prince of Wales's Theatre. (By the bye, the Wicked Ogre with the Land League Boots wouldn't be a bad name for an Irish Panto- mime.) The juveniles of the audience will be enchanted with the Hollanders. chorusses of infantile harvesters, jolly waggoners, blithe and gay milkmaids, huntsmen, brewers, and poachers. In the same scene is given a very pretty and novel ballet of gleaners, clothed in straw, and poppies, and cornflowers. Good fun is contributed by Mr. Frank wood, and the Brothers Wems. Miss Maud Beverley wins several encores for her songs, and "Miss Queen Mab," works the house into an ecstasy of delight by her hornpipes. The leading idea of the piece is the conflict 'twixt Ogre-at-Arms and Hop o' My Thumb. To say the former is played by Georoe Conquest Jun., and that the Pantomime has been looked after by the George Conquest, is suffi- cient to indicate the excellence of Ogre. He is eleven feet high, with a mouth as large as Regent's Park, and such a wicked, winking' eye! Hop o' My Thumb is played by Master Charlie Adeson, who wnile fighting the Ogre, finds time to woo and win Daisy, played by Miss Edith Adeson. The two combined might be six feet high, and these little ones are the stars of the piece. Bright, pretty children, deserving every round of applause that greets them, and the only answer to the vociferous encores of " Lah di Dah, is their being carried off the stage by Mr. Holland, for young voices are not strong, and encores are simply cruelty. And the scenes run on merrily until we are in a glade of trees. The time is winter. The band plays that melody the authorship of which is vexing dramatic critics. The Ogre enters. He is attired in evening dress; the only Opre on record who has worn such a cos- tume, and the effect is ludicrous in the extreme. But see, here comes Mr. Lrvino—I mean Master Charlie Adeson—likewise in evening dress. Coats and waistcoats are taken off. Handkerchiefs— the Ogre's is large enough to serve for a table-cloth to a family of thirteen—are arranged, and the fight with penny swords commences. The Ogre breaks his, but no matter, Hop o' My Thumb cracks his across nis knee, and with daggers bound up in the aforesaid hand- kerchiefs, does the duel go on. The Ogre is slain, and away we go to the Abode of Chloris and Vacuna, and then the tremendous cheering and clapping of hands prove that Mr. William Holland has scored another success at the Surrey. The Alhambra.—A ballet oVaction called Hawaia, a capital dish, with dressing by Mr. Alfred Thompson. Spirited music by the experienced M. Jacodi. Scene—somewhere.in Spain, exterior of a ohurch. Ballet-dancers at play. Enter a sort of Archbishop with banners —one blesser and two banners—who gives the ballet his benediction in pantomime, and so illus- trates the genuine good feeling existing at this particular period of Spanish history between the Church and the Stage. Enter suddenly Mile. In. De Glllert as Somebody — a young gentleman, name unknown. She plays a game of 'dumb crambo' before the Archbishop, who cleverly guesses the word, and then retires from the world. Then a flirtation dance between Miles. Pertoldi and Gil- lert. They go away and are wrecked. The Queen of Hawaia falls in love with the charming youth, but as his heart is true to Poll — we mean Mile. Pertoldi—the Queen orders him to be tied up to a tree. He is liberated . . by a noble savage, and to rescue Mile. Pertoldi, he, by the aid ot a rope, leaps across a cloud of vapour, which is apparently ascending from a steam-laundry somewhere below. Decidedly a success. The Imperial. —Le Voyage en Suisse. The whole entertain- ment is just the thing for Christmas. What does it matter that the "Peaceful "Village of Linneton, Devonshire" [sic] is backed by a range of mountains, twenty-two thousand feet high if they are an Showino a-Gillert-y. January 8, 1881.] 11 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. inch? What, too, does it matter that, within sound of a railway whistle, the male part of the population of this favoured locality- are habited with a scrupulous attention to minor detail in the cos- tume of the latter half of the reign of James the Second? The Hanxon Brothers and their capital coadjutor, Mons. AGOtrsT, are marvellously artistic pantomimists. Every movement intelligent, every gesture expressive, and the whole so perfectly rehearsed, that The Hanlon-leks making a Hit. the most outrageous situations, succeeding each other with an in- credible rapidity, appear as mere ordinary incidents of daily life, the only peculiarity of which is that they are not met with even more frequently. The Forty Thieves at the Gaiety in three Acts is full of good things. Place aux dames! Miss Nellie Farren is all "go ' as Ganem, Ali Baba's son, who is "(jetting a big boy now," and dancing Morgiana is, of course, Miss Kate Vaughan, whose singing of " You are such a wicked young man, you are .'" ad- dressed to Hassarac (Mr. Rotce) when his attentions are too demonstrative, is the most spirited bit of vocalisation Miss Kate has given us since, as Beauty at the Princess's, she sang " Oh my, fie for shame !" to a some- what similar melody. Miss Connie Gilchrist is Abdallah, the fascinating Lieutenant of the Thieves, who represent the three F's as "Fair, Fine, and Forty." Mr. Terry is very funny as Ali Baba, who, under the most trying circumstances, is always making execrable puns, and exclaiming: "We're a merry family!" His Turkish trousers are literally "immense," and his imitation of Chaumont's singing of La premiere feuille is a real hit. One of the best things is the genuine bur- lesque duet and dance to the tune of "He's got 'em on!" by Miss Nellie Farren and Mr. Terry. The " Fifteen Puzzle" song, capitally sung by Mr. Dallas, was deservedly encored. Altogether it is a sparkling Christmas Extravaganza. Clever Miss Lottie Venn is now here, "Bong Jou-eur! Mekry Family!" and will, no doubt, soon assist in keeping alight "the sacred lamp of burlesque " at Mr. John Holltngshead's Theatre. The only addition to the Lyceum Entertainment is written by Alfred Tennyson, and entitled The Cup. It sounds sporting. According to the latest betting, Miss Ellen Terry is decidedly First Favourite for The Cup. More anon—when we 've seen it. MONTGELAS AND MYSTERY. Constantinople, April 1.—Received letters in cipher from Lord Gr-nv-lle, Mr. Gl-dst-ne, Sir C. D-lke, several other Members of the Br-t-sh C-b-n-t, and a Distinguished Personage, requesting ample information as to probable policy of Embassy. Cheques on account. Payment of balance to be by results. To bed thinking it out. April 2.—Let my Chief down a well in a bucket, with Sandwiches to last him six months; carefully placing a dummy at his window, with no hat on, leaning over a hand at cnbbage to hide his face and disarm suspicion. Then off to London by night Mail, with all the furniture of the Embassy in waggons, disguised as an independent gentleman. London, May 15.—Attended meeting of Cabinet. Insist that I ought to have more than fourpence a pound for Archives. Muoh unpleasantness over this. Went to Madame Tussaud's. Kicked out of six Clubs. To bed, thinking it over. Constantinople, Nov. 5.—Back in Constantinople. Furniture re- placed. Inquiry for Archives. Know nothing about it. Invitation to Vienna. Kicked out of Embassy. Kicked out of Constantinople. To bed, thinking it over. Vienna, Dec. ZO.—Kicked into Vienna. Can't make it out. Deter- mine to tell whole story, with names, in next number of Police News. Some talk of kicking me into a fortress! Mem. Tell all this to D. T. Correspondent. To bed, thinking it over—and kicking. SQUIB MOTTOES FOR TWELFTH-NIGHT CRACKERS. For Greece. The violet waits the sunshine. Hint emphatic, An Attic emblem that is emblematic. For Mr. Tennyson. Laureate, thy lyrics seldom sweetness lack, And thy disoreetest worshippers will say The schoolboy motto, that is bad for Jack, Is good for Alfred—" All work and no play!" For Thomas Carlyle. Long, long, true Thomas, you your peace have holden, Yet can we scarce esteem your silence golden. Your silver words midst brazen babble cease. Heaven bless your silvery age with golden peace! COUNSEL FROM CONGRESS. Sr/eOESTION FOR Pockets,"—Hands. Lb Follet. — January—"Pretty things in A well-meant Resolution is about to be proposed in Congress by Mr. King, Member for Louisiana, that the American Secretary of State "be instructed to inform her Britannic Majesty's Government that it is highly expedient reforms should be introduced immediately tending to the permanent pacification of Ireland, and be prosecuted in a kindly, considerate, and pacificatory spirit." It is earnestly to be hoped that an amendment, obviously requisite, on this resolu- tion, will be moved by some competent American Statesman. Mr. Gladstone and his colleagues do not want to be informed how ex- pedient it is for them to introduce in as kindly, considerate, and still rather in as pacificatory spirit as they can, reforms imme- diately and effectually tending to the pacification of Ireland; what they do want to know is, what reforms are likely ever to succeed in effecting that end. Perhaps some Member of Congress, with a wiser head on his shoulders, than even Mr. King's, will, in a well- worded improvement upon that gentleman's motion, let them know. From the Greek. Imagine the delight of Lord Mayor Mac Arthur at receiving the telegram from Greece, informing him that a " Victorious Pallas" had just been unearthed, and was considered a genuine work of Phidias. His Lordship, who would have insisted on paying for the telegram, had not the expense of the message been already defrayed, observed that he shoula have liked to decorate somebody for the discovery of this work of Art. had it not occurred to him that to show any preference would be an in-Phidias task. (Oh, your Lordship! Oh!) FRESH FROM THE CASK. When a very thirsty man requires some Beer, what musical instrument will he call for ?—The Bass soon! 12 [January 8, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SUBTLE DISCRIMINATION. r Ethel (to Jack, wlu> has been put into t/ie Corner by the new Gorcrncss). "I'm so SORRY FOR YOU, JACK I" Jack. "Bosh ! who cares! This ain't a real Corner, you know!" «» E of LoRUb. I was disappointed with the Irish speaking. There was a great deal of it, but it was dolefully dull. Where through these long speeches were the humour, the wit, or the eloquence which I have heard are parts of Irish speech? A person named Finnioan spoke for nearly an hour in a style I have not been accustomed to hear, though it is true I belong to an earlier development of race. A sullen hatred of England and of all things English burned through his speech. Yet no one was a penny the worse, or indeed seemed to pay any attention. The only thing English that Mr. Finnioan loves is the English language, over the shorter syllables of which he lingers with a touching affection. As he would say, "he ree-grets to rec-linquish " his hold on its shortest syllables. This has an odd effect, undesirable because it lengthens his speech. The speech of the evening [was delivered from the Gallery. It was brief and to the point, and why the Hon. Gentleman should have been so promptly and ignominiously expelled passes my com- prehension. Perhaps, like Sra Hardinge Giffard when last elected he came up to be sworn in, he had forgotten to bring his papers with him. On Friday the Lord Mayor and Corporation in their robes en- livened us with a little bit of colour, and then came the debate on Irish affairs, when Parnell was pleasant and Forster firm. "All right up to now," but can't report progress. FROM THE RANKS. II.—"A Weather-Eye." sn't it "Bilks," Sir, as I was to palaver about to- day? Well! I could go on upon that subject till doomsday, and not have done then. A Cabby must be a wary fowl, and a shrewd judge of character, and be able to reckon people up straight off while they re getting in, and make no mistakes, and handle 'em as a clever jockey does his horse, giving way a trifle, then giving his rein a sharp twist. It's the young dri- vers that get into rows, and lose their tempers, and get had up before the beak for abusive language. An old Btager never loses his temper —he knows his way about, and oan tell at a glance what line to take. When my eldest takes to driving, I shall draw up a set of rules for him like that gent did, who wrote letters to his son about manners. I shall say to him, "Never carry a lady, or a pair of ladies, if vou oan get agent; for ladies noddle their heads affable-like, but they always try to cheat you in the end, and if you object, sing out like one o'clock for the coppers—that 's the police—and kick up a bobbery. Ladies have no compassion for a poor man with a family, for they always think they 're bein' done. Never let anybody get out (I January 15, 1881.] 21 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. shall tell my hopeful) at the Burlington or Lowther Arcade without paying, not even if he's a Bishop in gaiters, for memory's short, and the Arcade has two entrances as are tempting to save a shilling. Never run up bills with anybody, or open accounts, except with young Guardsmen. Encourage them as much as you like, for they grumble at having to part with gold out of their pockets, but two or three' pounds more or less on a cheque doesn't ruffle.their feathers. Be suspicious of country;parsons, for I've taken*many a bad half-crown from a parson. He.'sibeenjdone, and don't know bad money from good." The worst bilk I ever got, was once when I took a Lady and a Gent to Croydon. It makes me feel all goose-skinny when I recall that humiliating day! It was a youngish gent, with cheeks like apples, and a middle-aged lady. I was driving a shoful then, and peeping down the trap, I saw her cuddling of him dreadful, and patting bis hands, while he sighed and looked peevish, being green about the gills, and up-all- nightish. When we got to Croydon he woke up a bit, and seemed more cheerful, and ordered a private room, and a nice little dinner, and then came into the stable to have a chat with me. He was an un- common pleasant gent, with a sweet voice, and white hands, and a manner as if to say, "Tho' I'm your betters, yet you're a fel- low-man. and I won't treat my species like dirt." So we got on first-rate, and he asked me what I thought of the Lady, and when I said she was a crummy bit of goods, he laughed in a quiet way, and grew less green about the gills, and invited me to dine with 'em. I tried to excuse myself, for I know my place. Gents have oftentimes asked me in to pick a bit, social-like, but I don't feel at home with ladies, somehow. But, how- ever, he would have it so, and to make a long story short, we had a nice dinner and some churn., and dessert,—pineapples and expen- sive things, all topping—and grew quite jolly. And the Lady said that the Gent was a going to marry her as soon as he could settle up some business as bothered him, and he looked grave and green again at that, but didn't deny it, and I wished 'em joy, and then he passed the bottle. And then we had a smoke (shilling cigars) and a stroll, and came in again for tea, and while the Lady was making the tea, the Gent went away for a minute. I didn't think much of that at first, but the tea grew cold and the Lady nervous, and then I went out to look for him. Imagine my surprise and horror! Here was a kettle of fish! He 'd bin and borrowed a saddle, so the horsekeeper said, and, leaving a note, had gone off on. my prad. I took the note up to the Lady, and she fainted right away. What a scoundrel! In the note he said that he was obliged to fly the country, and had chosen to take the train at a distance from town, because the London stations were all watched. And so he 'd borrowed my horse to ride upon, he said, but (as exchange was no robbery) had left me the Lady instead, as he didn't think, on consideration, he was worthy of such a blessing, and he'd noticed as I admired her. You may judge of the mess I was in. Miles away from London, with a middle- aged Lady in hysterics, and a cab and no horse to draw it, and a swingeing bill for dinner and private room, and champagne, and what not—and only three-and-sixpence between the two of us! That was a lesson to me, Sir. But they don't catch me again at the tome game. Respectfully yours H. {alias Tommy xhi the Toff). THE PUBLIC SCHOOL-BOY. Mamma. "I am dreadfully disappointed with your Report this Term, George! Why, at your age—thirteen—dear Papa had won two Scholarships; and a few years later he was Senior Wrangler!" Dear Papa {waking out of stupor). "Yes, my Boy, and if I 'd been a lazy Dunce like you, I should have grown to measure over Six Feet in height, and Forty-eiqht Inches round the Chest (as you will); and by this time I should have been Lord Chief Justice at least (as you may, if you only qo on); whereas" [Sighs Juiavily, and relapses into stupor. THE LOWER-HOUSE MAID. It appears, from a recent announcement in the London Gazette, that "the situation of Housemaid in the House of Commons'' has been'' added to Schedule B of the Order of Council," but that no applicant will be required to pass any particular Civil Service Examination. This is an oversight, for the duties of the post are distinct and peculiar. The sooner, therefore, some such paper as the following is issued, with a view to qualification, the better :— 1. How do you answer a Division bell f 2. If ordered by the Speaker to get him some beer, would you object to fetching it yourself from the bar of the House? 3. If you have been in a situation where you have taken your meals with the Governess, do you think you can conduct yourself properly if you have to dine with the Usher? 4. Can you, if requested, make a Cabinet pudding? If so, do you mix it on the notice- board, and flavour it with the Mace? 5. Ministers have sometimes to be whitewashed. Describe how you would set about cleaning the great. 6. Can you keep a Sergeant-at-Arms at arm's-length P 7. You will not be expected to entertain the policeman in the Lobby. Reconcile this with the conduct of a Government that expects followers. 8. Do you object to Irish Members? 9. The House is in the habit of adjourning for the Derby. Is this the day you would wleot for the Sweep? 10. Are you sufficiently good-tempered to put up with the Cross benches P 11. When private Members call with their "little bills" at inconvenient moments, what answer would you give them? 12. Is the umbrella-stand the proper place for a Government Whip? If not, what is? Answer the above questions carefully, and lastly, say whether you are prepared to fill a situa- tion where everything is noticed, and a couple of tellers are continually employed on the establishment. 22 [January 15, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON'CHARIVARI. THE GREAT BEASTERN RAIL- WAY AND EPPING FOREST. Heaven made the country, and the Areh-itect enemy of man's happiness planted it with " Semi- detached Villas." That no "spe- culative builder" has been hanged at the entrance of one of nis hideous settlements, says much for the forbearance of the multi- tude. Wherever there is a spot of beauty within reach of London, the covetous hand of the demon is stretched out to grasp it. To- day High Beech is threatened; to-morrow it will be Burnham Beeches, and the next day the small remaining portion of Hamp- stead Heath. The Corporation of London, once the opponent of forest an- nexation, is now the ally of the Great Beastern Railwav, which wants to make High Beach " more accessible." Who are the land- jobbers at the bottom of this scheme, or the squatters in "eli- gible mansions," who wish to have a railway running into their bed- rooms? Mr. Bedford, who de- serves so well of the people for his work in Epping Forest, must look to this also. People who are afraid to walk or drive two miles in all weathers, should live in Harley Street, Gower Street, Vic- toria Street, or some other London penal settlement,—they are not fit for foresters. Foot and Mouth Disease.- Gout from Gluttony. PUNCH'S FANCY PORTRAITS.-No. 14. FLOWERS OF "CULTURE "; OR, A SWINBURNE-JONES CUTTING. PROVERBIAL REFORM. The weekly Bills of Mortality present, at the conclusion of the last and beginning of the present year, a great decrease of the average death-rate. Hence is in- ferred the fallacy of the old say- ing that " a green Yule makes a fat kirk-yard." It would seem rather that a mild Christmas makes a thin cemetery. How many more of our good old pro- verbs will have to be reversed in this way? "A stitch in time costs nine." "The worm picks up the early bird." "Late to bed and late to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise." The observance of this rule would probably make him so wise that he would alter his mode of life within six months. "Waste and never want." "Nothing venture, everything have." What is one man's meat is another man's medicine." "Every one to his liking, as the young man said when he kissed his partner under the mistletoe." "No smoke with- out fire" must be Tead "No fire with smoke." May these be re- garded as examples of the amend- ments which progressive enlight- enment will require to be made on the aphorisms we' have hitherto fondly imagined to express the wisdom of our sagacious ancestors? Marginal Note.—{By an An- tiquary.)—The Art of Illumina- tion was brought to perfection just exactly when it was most needed—i. e., in the Dark Ages. THE GROS-VENEER GALLERY AT A GLANCE. {By Our Artless Critic.) Painting and decorative designs "by Living Artists" on view daily. This announcement outside was a great attraction. "Living Artists!" All alive oh! Walk up! Walk up! Being such an artless thing, I expected to see the "Living Artists" actually at w%. PernaPs like those al fresco geniuses who execute the most brilliant decorative designs on our street-pavements—an idea, by the way, which seems to have struck some of their more fortunate aesthetic brothers of the brush whose works appear on the walls of the Gros-veneer Gallery. I was disappointed. There were no " living artists " at work, and I regret to see that one of the "living artists" is described in the Catalogue as "The Late Mr. So-and-So^'—as my readers can see for themselves. So now for the pictures and walk round. Nothing much from No. 1 to No. 35, when your attention must be arrested by No. 36. "Cypris," painted by a foreigner, G. Dubuke, which might be appropriately translated into English as Du Buff. Pass on to No. 60. Birch Trees. J. Whaite. Dedicated, of course, to Sir W. V. Harcotjbt. Were there a few more of such landscapes bv Mr. Whaite the G. G. would not be over-Whaited bv them. It should be hung next to Mr. Knight's, No. 52, a dozing dunce, as the birches might make him jump up and show us if those legs really belong to his body or not. N°- 90. An English Landscape. J. W. North. South by North probably, judging by the eccentric perspective, and the horse evi- dently painted from a tenpenny model in the Lowther Arcade stables. No 98. Twilight. E. Wake Cook. Wake Cook by all means, tor this is sleepy enough. No. 101. Battledore and Shuttlecock. E. T. Poynter, R.A. Slippery marble floor, and lota of bric-a-brac about. There '11 be an accident with this game before long. The girl is striking, but not so striking as the marble columns. No. 115. The Parting. P. R. Morris, A.R.A. Two such very WAto^-eokwry persons, that a good storm would wash them right out oi the clever landscape. No. 141. Morning in Tuscany. Miss E. Pickering. It would be rude to suggest a lady's age, but, judging by this work, it might be quite five and a half, if not a little more. Good for a beginner. Hope somebody will give the young ladv a new box of paints as a New Year's present, and take away her toy houses and trees. No. 146. "As it Fell upon a Day." R. Bateman. Petit Prix de Colney Hatch. (Not the Grand Prix de Hanwell which is reserved for works of more pretension.) No. 158. The Gentle Craft. C. G. Ejlbtone. Girl fishing for compliments. No craft in sight, and the gentle is invisible,—so why the title? No. 200. Lovers' Leap, on the Dart. Deron. W. H. Mann. Nasty point to drop on—the Dart. No fall is shown—only a river. No. 221. A Normandy Caloge. J. M. Donne. Good, sketchy, or half Donne. No. 225. Early Morning, Belfast. C. H. Cox. Belfast is evidently a misprint for "Breakfast." No. 230. On the lire, Yorkshire. T. Orrock, who has also painted No. 238, Near Aysgarth, Yorkshire : or lire another! No. 235. Cecily George, and No. 236. Margarent Bum George. A.Stokes. See silly George? I do. Margaret burn George t>y all means, and then go into the next room and burn Jones. No. 241. Irises. Miss L. V. Blandt. Charming flowers of speech. But, my dear lady, excuse me, "/ rise," not ' I rises." However, Genius is above Grammar. No. 270. The River Mole. A Morgan. Will he give us its companion, The Water Bat. No. 272. The Miniature. F. J. Skill. What's in a name? Skill. It is also shown in the picture—I mean in the signature. No. 275. Corfe Castle. J. C. Robinson. A black and white dose. Corfe no more, Robinson. No. 283. Studies in Greece. G. F. Watts. Well, of all two mere dashes, their presence here only to be explained by a probable extract from a possible letter—" Haven't time to send more. Dashed off in a jiffey. Call 'em whatever you like. Stop—why not Studies in Greece f Sounds well j and my studies in Greece are quite as valuable as my paintings in Oil. Yrs., G. F. Watts, R.A." Then we come to the Burne-Jonesian works. No. 326. A Sea Nymph. Intended probably for a picture out- side a caravan where a real live Mermaid was being exhibited, but rejected by the Proprietor as calculated to injure his property. January 15, 1881.] 23 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI. No. 328. A Wood Nymph. A wooden nymph; stumped! These two and Cupid's Hunting Ground, of course, obtained the Grand Prix de Hanwell. Mr. Burne Jones has been hard run by- other competitors, including Messrs. Holi- day, Walter Crane, and Richmond. No. 337. Design for a Frieze. Walter Crane. One young person naked between two others in gauzy drapery. It's more like a "Design for a violent chill" than "for a Frieze." What a reaction there will be on the part of those children, when they grow up, whose nurseries have been covered with these semi-a;sthetic wall-papers all about Boy Blue, Bo Peep, and Song of Sixpence! Nos. 367 and 368. Decorative Panels, by T. Muckxey are admirable. No. 369. Coloured Design for Mosaic in the House of Lords.^ E. A. Poynter, B..A. Will probaoly be introduced there when some eminent Mosaic is raised to the Peerage. I haven't patience for any more Gros- veneer Gallery. Farewell, Burne Jones & Co.! I leave you there, and take a little Holiday—which is quite enough for me. PLAYERS AND PAYERS. II. "Flowing Fees." Sir—there is another grievance, notwholly unconnected, as Mr. Micawber would have said, with the pocket, which I look on as altogether monstrous, and without the shadow of an excuse. And here, I think, even Sir Gorgius himself may go with me: for I have a notion, that, though like his great Patron, George the Fourth, of pious memory, he may care not how many, and how large, are the cheques to which he subscribes his august name, he has a fond regard for his small change. The grievance I allude to, is that series of petty extor- tions, which may be generally classed under the head of Fees. Let it be in fairness allowed, that at many of what we are vaguely accustomed to style our best theatres—using the phrase, I sup- pose, in the same sense as we talk of a drawing-room, where there are always to be found the best people—at many of these, I say, this iniquitous tax has been wisely abolished. The little High-and-Mitev, as it was the first to set one bad example as to prices, so it was the first to set another good one as to fees, and the latter, I am happy to say, has been followed, though not so largely as the former. At the Palace; the Mayfair; the Great Whig Theatre, where the memory of Prrr is nightly held up to execration; the Gigglety, which, is, as far as one can judge from the auditorium arrangements, as well managed as any play- house in London; the Colisseum, where the Eminent One presides, as rigorously as did Keats of old, over his little band of Eton boys; at the little High-and-Mitey itself, alas! not Lancelot, but another—at all these places of entertainment, this vile custom is honoured only in the breach. Here the victim is not subjected to slow torture; here he is not plundered piece- meal. He pays his half-guinea, if he can, and, as Hamlet observed on a somewhat different occasion, this ends it. But what are these among so many? 'Tis human nature, all the world over, to copy only too faithfully the worst points of our model; the bad example that the leading Managers have set, has been fol- lowed T>y their less splendid brethren with EDUCATION. Lady (paying her Christmas Milk-Bill, complains of the inatiention of the Carriers). "And I SHALL BE OBLIGED TO WITHDRAW MY CUSTOM IF IT CONTINUES" Milkman. "I'm really very sorry, Ma'am, and I'll endeavour that it sha'n't occur again. But you see, Ma'am, it 's their Ionorance.—(Confidentially.)—Now, you and me's Ejicated—Ejicated 1'eoi'le won't carry Milk—and so we 'ave to employ the Lowest Sort!" a unanimity that would have delighted Mr. Puff's heart, but the good has been eschewed with equal resolution. These latter have raised their prices, but they have not abolished their fees. Even at the Phoenix, which has sprung from its old ashes, a remarkably smart bird, and which has its own little band of Etonians, though selected, I am afraid, from a lower remove, this hateful custom still nourishes. I sav it is a vile practice; what Policeman X. would most justly have styled "a iniquitious Jobb." And what makes it viler still, is that it has been commonly entrusted, with a fiendish cunning, to the hands of lovely woman, against whom no man, though persecuted beyond all control, may venture to lift his hand, save it is for the purpose of putting sixpence in hers. To be plundered under the guise of courtesy, with a smiling face, and apretty welcome—this is too impudent a jest! Let "us take the little Bandbox Theatre down in the Strand as an illustration. Heaven forbid that I should "take" a Theatre at all—I mean let us visit it and observe. Well,— 24 [January 15, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. having disbursed your half-guinea, and made your way through the crowd of Gilded. Youth—a little rubbed, perhaps, some of that gild- ing now—who are wrangling over the rival charms of Miss Boling- bboke. Miss Lochiel or Miss Campebdown, you mount the stairs flushed with anticipation of the "unprecedented success" you are about to witness. As you reach the lobby a bevy of smiling damsels comes forward to greet you. "Pretty creatures!" you murmur—I am supposing that you are for the nonce, Sir, a bachelor —and are much touched by the compliment. Poor fool, you are soon undeceived. With outstretched hands and hungry looks these be- ribboned daughters of the Horse-Leech are round you. One thrusts a programme into vour face, and demands sixpence. Another requests you to hand over to her your hat, coat, stick, goodness knows what, and as the stalls at the Bandbox would scarcely be considered roomy by General Mite or Mademoiselle Zaeate, you Erobably in your ignorance consent to be relieved of these encum- rances—and of more sixpences Consider, my dear Paterfamilias, for a moment seriously. Suppose you decide on treating yourself and Mrs. P., with young Hopeful, home for the holidays, and pretty Miss P., still radiant from the triumphs of her first ball, to a visit to the Bandbox, or any ono of the theatres for which the Bandbox may stand for a speoially un- comfortable sample. First come the Stalls, four at half-a-guinea a-piece, two guineas; programmes,—though on pleasure bent, I know you are of a frugal mind, and will content yourself with two, one shilling; attendance of the Houris on the party, say half-a-crown, and you may think yourself lucky if you get off for that; then there are the refreshments if you choose to take them, not forgetting the waiter who never has change; and then there is the man who calls a cab, for Miss P.'s pretty shoes were not meant for the muddy streets, and Master P. is careful of his boot-varnish. A very small exercise of that financial skill, for which you are so justly remarkable, will give you, my dear P., a pretty good guess at the cost of your night's pleasure. In this matter I say the remedy is in our own hands by flatly refus- ing so much as a single farthing for any civility on the part of the attendants. They are worthy of their hire, no doubt, like all other labourers whatever their labour may be, but that is a matter between them and the person who has hired them, and in such a theatre as the Bandbox we already pay him more than enough to enable him to settle that little matter by himself. Whether you may flatly refuse payment for your programme I am not enough of a lawyer to decide, and possibly you may not care to have that issue tried at your own expense. But should the law prove to be against you, and Themis, we all know, is a great wag in her way, there stiU remains one unfailing remedy, and that is to carefully Bhun all those theatres where these iniquitous extortions are still practised. You will very likely have to pay no more for entrance into those houses which have given them up : you wiU certainly And greater comfort, greater civility, and, in most instances, far better entertainment. THE COUNSEL OF PALLAS. (A Nco-Classk Fragment.) [At the opening of the New Tear, information was telegraphed to the Mansion House that a statue of Pallas Victorious, supposed to be the work of Phidias, had been discovered at Athens.] "012 'ISA. 'OAE." The Original Inscription found on the Fallot of ITn-truth, or the Fer-Fhidias Greek Statue. • ••••• To whom'the"Goddess:—" Mortal, canst thou hear A well-timed counsel with a willing ear P Pallas Victorious owed her victories quite As muoh to policy as power of fight. Born in full panoply, I scorn alarms Which shake the timid at the shock of arms, But Mars is a brute blunderer, coarse and crass, E'en Homer limns him as a blatant ass, Heady in onset, howlinfj in retreat, In victory vaunting, childish in defeat. Take my particular tip, and trust him not, He backed the Trojans, and they went to pot. Don't fight—if you can help it. 'Tame advice From bold Minerva'? WeU, a little ice Is good in scarlet fever. I could urge Young Diomed to valour's very verge What time occasion smiled.t and yet dissuade The God of War himself from his own trade When Jove and Fortune frowned.J There's warmish work Cut out for you if you attack the Turk. Best bide your time, and let kind Europe play The part of Mentor. Pericles to-day Would teU Tbicocpis that the Violet Crown, Thrown as a gage too violently down, Might get mire-trampled. Phidias, when he posed Pallas Victorious, knew that in me closed Statecraft with valour, pluck with patient nous; Facts which, perchance, in London s Mansion House May have been missed by that high Civic cove Who read the tidings of the treasure-trove With much-awed mind and slightly muddled brain, Hovering 'twixt Lcmpriere and Mincing Lane. And though the treasure-trove should prove a hum, You '11 find in Peace your new PaUadium. A doubtful omen? Well, of this be sure, If PaUas rule you, her sage sway may cure More ills than ever ohecked by hasty wars And the hot headship of all-marring Mars!" * • • » » ♦ t Iliad, Book V. J Iliad, Book XV. '' Nigger'' Emancipation. There is still a prejudice against the black man in Scotland. The Rev. Mr. Bissett^ of the Free South Church, Peterhead, has resigned his Presidency of the Temperance Society in that town, because thirteen mem- bers played at "Christy Minstrels" at the Annual Festival. He thought they ought to have "appeared in their natural state. How few of us, even in the pulpit, appear in our natural state, and why not extend a little toleration to the harmless if dirty Christy? A man who puts soot on his face must, at least, wash himself thoroughly after the performance, and cleanliness is the neighbour of something better than narrow-mindedness. "Disturbed Ireland." Under this title Messrs. Macmiixan & Co. publish the interesting letters written by Mr. Bernard H. Becker, the Special Correspondent of the Daily News, where these letters have recently appeared. The same publishers brought out a volume about the Rebecca Riots. This new volume should be its companion—" The 'Beeker Riots." Motto for Macmtllan,—' Keep up your Becker!" HW To Cobbmpoitdehtb.—The Editor doe* not hold himself bound to oxknovUdgc, return, or pay for Contribution*. stamped and directed envelope. Copies should be kept. In no ease can these be returned unless aeeompanied by a January 22, 1881.] 25 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Croodle's Cordial. SUCCESSFUL "BOYCOTTING" AT THE ST. JAMES'S. Authors and Actors are to be congratulated on the success of The Money. Spinner, an interesting two-act play by Mr. A W. Pineeo. Mr. KENDAilhasIrarely been better suited than with Lord Ken- gussie, Mr. Hare revels in the Baron Croodle, and never since All for Her has Mr. Clayton given us such an artistic performance as his Harold Boycott—a most unfortunate and risky name just now. Had the piece been weak and the acting indifferent, one voice from the fallery, where the old gods are not yet ead, shouting out " ' Boycott' him!" -would have been fatal to the chances of a first night. Luckily no malicious deity was present, and even had he been there, the strength of the piece and the excellence of the acting ^ would have been too much for him. As Jules Faubert, Mr. Mackintosh took us by surprise. The character is perhaps a trifle overcharged, but it must be borne in mind that he is placed in three distinctly strong melodramatic situations, and above all, it must be remembered that Jules Faubert is a Detec- tive, and therefore, bound by all stage rules to be perpetually "dissembling," and so to be always exciting suspicion and attracting attention. Taking this conventional view of the Detec- tive into consideration, and remembering also that it is a French Detective who is being represented to an English audience, great allowances must be made for exaggerated action, where so much— unhappily for truthful art—would be expected. Those who are familiar with M. Lecocq. the real French Detective at the head of his profession as drawn by Gaboriau, will at once recognise what a subtle performance Mr. Mackin- tosh might have given us—for he has the power—had he ana the Author only dared to brave the conventional theatrical tradi- tion. As it might have been, it would haye been perfect; and taking it for what it is, and judging it by the usual standard, it is as good as it possibly can be. Mrs. Kendal's Milticent Boycott is faultless: even her little mannerisms are part and parcel of the character. She is the lady mentioned by the poet, who— "Makes sunshine in a shady place." And, truth to tell, the dramatis persona are a very shady lot indeed. But of this —more anon. As Dorinda, Miss Kate Phillips is a strong contrast to her sister. But the vulgarity is just a little too markedly "cockney" for a young woman who has been all her life in Paris. Mrs. Gaston Murray is a good international concierge; and the very small part of the French porter, by a real Live Frenchman, M. De Verney, is intensely appreciated by everyone among the audience who has been for at least two days to Booking, and still more so by those who haven't. And now comes the wonder—namely, that an author should have chosen such materials for a Dorinda, ths Merry Spinster, and Milli- cent-per-cent, the Money-Spinner. piece, have managed them so skilfully, and have had the luck to get it so per- fectly played as to cause its objectionable character and its wrong moral to be lost sight of in the real in- terest awakened by the personages in the short drama. The story briefly is this: —HaroldBoycott, to rescue his father from some diffi- culties (probably in Ireland as he is never seen), robs his employers. A Detective is set to watch him, dis- covers the felony, and Harold will be a lost man when his master returns next morning. Mrs. Boycott remembering how she used to be called "the Money- Spinner' at her father's gaming-table, determines to win the money MlLLY HU-MILLY-ATED; OR, CHEATINO NBVER PROSPERS LONQ. from Lord Kengussie, her former lover now engaged to her sister, at icarte, and unable to do.it by fair means, she cheats, and is dis- covered by the Detective. This leads to an all-round explanation. Kengussie, for her sake, makes up her husband's defalcations; the Detective gets a " slap side o' the head " from Boycott for insinuat- ing that his wife cheats, never receives an apology for the violence when his charge is proved, loses his case, and is virtually kicked out of the house. Let us take the moral worth of these characters: Lord Kengussie, or Kengoosie—not such a fool as he looks—while still evidently deeply in love with his old love, now Mrs. Boycott, engages himself to her sister, and naively asks, "Is it very wrong to marrv a person because she resembles some one else, with whom I have" been, and shall always be in love?" These are not the exact words, but they convey the true idea of the motive. Harold Boycott we may dismiss at once as an unprincipled man, who, at the first temptation, robs the till. Of course, the basis is weak( but the Author cares very little for that, as long as he secures his strong situation. Baron Croodle. is sunply a thorough old swindler, who is colour-blind to morality, with his eye on the main chance and his mouth to the brandy-flask. Mdlicent has all the makings of a genuine Becky Sharp, and after being' found out in her first attempt, it is impossible not to mistrust her altogether. When Lord Kengoosie, on leaving,? gives her that Kengoosie boycotting Boycott—" Let me Kiss her for her Sister." kiss by Boycotts permission, she takes it 'so demurely, and has previously'evinced such evident admiration for this young spooney, that no wonder her sister feels a pang of jealousy, and Boycott looks uncomfortable. Were there a sequel to this play, we should see the vulgar Dorinda—who is delighted to catch a Lord, even though she knows that he only takes her because he can't get her sistei—an utterly unfit wife for Kengoosie, whose home would be miserable, whose relations would haye cut him, and who would probably go off with Mrs. Boycott,—while Harold, sunk deeper and deeper in the mire, would play the role of Raicdon Crawley when he surprised my Lord Steyne with Mrs. Becky. All these are miserable creatures, unhappily true to nature, "as were Thackeray's characters who were never quite bad all at once. The only upright honourable man is the French Detective who, faith- ful to his employers, conscientiously discharges his most unpleasant duty and suffers for it. But apart from the admirable acting, which might have carried an inferior work, the faithful portraiture of the wife's weakness under strong temptation enlists our sympathies and makes the Buccess. As to the construction, easily as the action moves after the first mauvais quart d'heure, yet the opening is so awkward, the explanations so forced, and the introduction of characters so abrupt, that it seems as if a pre- fatial Act, olc- j necessary to a clear understanding of the plot, had been lost. This First Act should have shown Baron Croodh's gambling saloon, and .presented the Croodle family and the Detective to the audi- ence. • Our artist paid a second visit to Mother Goose, and sends us— General (Arthur) JRoberts, Prince Florizel, and the E-leo-trick Heel. theatricals at st. Stephen's. Lord Randolph Churchill (by kind permission of Mr. Jacob Bright) will appear in Woodcock's Little Game. VOL. IXXX. 25 [January 22, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE DIFFUSION OF /ESTHETIC TASTE. Mrs. B. (after Visit to PUture-Gallery). "What is a Nocturne, Mr. B.?" Mr. B. (vaguely). "A Nocturne is—ahem !—a—a sort of Night Music, I BELIEVE, MY DEAR." Mrs. B. "Then you may depend upon it that mysterious Black-and- Yellow Smudoe we couldn't make Head or Tail of meant the Waits I" THE WRECK OF THE "INDIAN CHIEF." Outward bound in the Indian Chief, with skipper, and pilot, a Northern man, Thirty all told from the Yorkshire coast, we sailed for the Channel, to', make Ja Icily cold from the nor'-nor'-east, the wind like an arrow went whistling by; The stars stood sharp by a frozen moon; and the moon stared white in a frosty sky; And the skipper he cried, as we changed the watch, "Keep a good look-out—do you understand P We must strain our eyes for the bright Knock light, and clear the surf of the Goodwin Sand. I 've sailed on a fouler night, my lads, but many a vessel has come to grief, In spite of the light of the ' Kentish Knock.' Still, here's good luck to the Indian Chief!" It seemed so strange that a starlit sky, should look so calm on a seething sea; And a crueller wind never shivered the skin, or made the mast like a bending tree. We were well within sight of the Bamsgate Pier, and our course set clear of the Kentish Knock, When the ship gave a shy like a frightened horse, and then came a crash and a sickening shock; We knew what it meant when, without any fuss, the skipper and pilot folded hands, And the rockets went up in the pitiless sky—we had struck on the bar of the Goodwin Sands! What was the use of the compass now, or sail or rudder? No treacherous reef, Could ever imprison with firmer grip, than the sands that swallowed the Indian Chief! It didn't take long for the end to come, when the waves washed savagely over our deck, So wo lighted a flare, as a desperate chance, to guide brave men to our hopeless wreck. The pilot, the skipper, his brother the mate, and the thirty odd souls in a desperate plight. Crept into the masts in the searching cold, looking death in the face, on a New Year's night. One by one, as the masts gave way, they dropped like birds from a frozen tree, When the skipper, who clung to his brother the mate, sang out, ''Thank God! There's the Lifeboat! See!'' We thought him mad, with his fingers stretched to a distant speok, like a floating leaf; "'Tis a branch of olive !" the pilot cried, and the message is "Hope for the Indian Chief!" Lashed to their oars, in the blinding storm, out they had come in a steamer's wake, Ramsgate men, with never a care for a sailors death, for a sailor's sake. Out there followed from Clacton coast, Aldborough, Harwich, a score of hands, When the tidings travelled, "An English ship is breaking her back upon Goodwin Sands." 'Twas a race for life, and the Bradford won! But when the boat from the tug was cast, The sea stood in front of the Ramsgate men, as they heard the shrieks from the sinking mast. Shouts of succour across the waves, and cries of agony past belief, What is the use of a Lifeboat manned, when the sea has a prize in the Indian Chief f The skipper lay dead by his brother the mate, with a smite on his face for the wife at home, And the morning broke to the moan, "How long?" and the endless cry, "Will the Lifeboat come?" • V • • • But the evening closed on a conquered sea, and masts where never a sailor clings; And they run to the end of the Ramsgate Pier, to see the prize that the Lifeboat brings. It isn't in money, or gold, that's paid the terrible debt of the enemy sea, But flesh and blood of a shipwrecked crew is a richer reward, you '11 all agree. Many a ship, as the year rolls on, with skipper, and pilot, and faithful hands, Will sail from home on a winter sea, and drift to death upon Goodwin Sands. But w-hen the plea for the Lifeboat comes, there '11 not be many to grudge relief To the men who answered to duty's call, and stood by the wreck of the Indian Chief! JACOBINISM. The Member for Manjester — he should have said Manchester—presents his compliments to Mr. Punch, and in consequence of the recent success of his humorous lapsus lingua, is willing to become a Sub-jester — he should have said Sug-gestor of facetious slips for various M.P.'s. Inclosed are a few samples:— Hon. Evelyn Ashley. I have listened with attention to the soft and persuasive tones of the Hon. Member for the Op—ha! na! I should say, Isle of Wight! Mr. Biggar. An apology is certainly due from the Hon. Member for Cave-in—ha! ha! I should say, Cavan! Mr. CalUtn. We surely have had enough of the long and monotonous rhapsodies of the Hon. Member for Mouth—ha! ha! I should say, Louth! Mr. Donald Carrie. To be pleasant and good-tem- pered to both sides is the object of the Hon. Member for Mirth—ha! ha! I should say, Perth! Mr. Daly. Of course, only a grunt of dissatisfaction could be expected from the Hon. Member for Pork— ha! ha! I should say, Cork! Baron de Worms. I trust I shall not be considered guilty of disrespect when I say we all know the gammon of the Hon. Member for Spinach—ha! ha! I should say, Greenwich! And so on, and so on! How's that, eh? On the Edge op It.—Herb Gascher has been sud- denly placed by the Porte at the head of its foreign secretariat department. If this does not look like war to the knife, wnat 's in a name? January 22, 1881.] 87 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. rx-rnACTEO lion THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. Tuesday Night, Jan. 11.—Strolled back to the House after dinner, and found Mr. Chaplin on his legs. I suppose I am not naturally tender-hearted; but I was deeply touched at the evident signs of woe with which the Hon. Gentleman had surrounded himself. He had, as it were, Bat down by crownless and weeping Erin, and only constant calls upon his manhood prevented him mingling his tears with hers. Mr. Chaplin's voice and figure admirably lend themselves to an aspect of woe, and he was all crape to-night. For my own part, I felt as if we; the Commons of England, were assembled at the graveside over which had already been lowered the British Constitution, and that this was the Chaplin delivering the funeral oration. Perhaps his remarks lost something of their force from the fact that they were not all audible. This was due to occasional bursts of emotion which swept across the tall figure attired in sombre black, and sunk its voice to a whisper, like the wailing of wind round many tombstones. Some Hon. Gentlemen on the Ministerial benches affected to laugh; but it was a very hysterical kind of mirth. Mr. Nbwdeoate produced a very large red pocket-handkerchief, and unaffectedly dried his eyes. Lord Randolph Churchill nervously toyed with his moustache. Mr. Wabton took prodigious pinches of snuff in a vain attempt to hide his emotion; and Mr. Biggab wiped away the unbidden tear with the back of his cuff. As for me, after withstanding the impulse as long as possible, I threw back my head, and gave vent to my feelings in a prolonged and melancholy howl, such as you may occasionally have heard in the dead unhappy night, when the rain is on the roof, and there is a newly-chained dog in your neighbour's back-yard. The Sergeant-at-Arms came over to me, and, gently leading me out, explained that that sort of thing is unparliamentary. It seems we can make all sorts of noises save this particular one. "We may laugh contemptuously or hilariously; we may caU out, "Oh! oh!" like Mr. Wabton; we may grunt like the late lamented Admiral; we may pipe a shrill "Hear! hear!" like Mr. Biggab, or emit a highly-pitched and sonorous " Yah! yah!" like Mr. Monk; or we may even go out behind the Spbakeb's Chair, and erow thrice, like Her Majesty's former Judge Advocate-General. But the line must be drawn somewhere, as Captain Gosset says; and it is fixed at rather an awkward place for me. Mr. Chaplin's touching oration was on the Amendment to the Address, which we have been debating four nights now, and appear to be a little further off the end than when we began. It seems to me the debates on Irish subjects are like the claret at the farmers' dinners. You take a great deal, but you " get no forrader." 11 p.m.—There is enormous excitement in the House. Everyone is running after everyone else to tell him. One hears the news echoing in the Hall and rumbling through the corridors. Mr. Jacob Bright has made a joke! Everyone says that the Hon. Member didn't know it, hadn't intended it, and couldn't help it. But that is just the way with a 28 [January 22, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Ma. BiooAa (to himself). "Joey B. is sly." new planet when it is discovered. It didn't mean it, didn't know it, and couldn't help it. But there it is, and astronomers watching on distant heights flash to each other the glad intelligence. Jacob was slowly and painfully mounting his Ladder of proof that coercion was a very had thing, when he had to make incidental reference to Lord Randolph Churchill, who, as everyone knows, sits for Wood- stock. Mr. Jacob Bright in the exaltation of the moment tripped over a syllable, and alluded to the young statesman as "the Noble Lord, the Member for 'Woodcock." It was not precisely a flash of wit. But there was something irresistibly comical in its concurrence. The last man in the House from whom a joke is expected is the Member for Manchester. One of three men whom the House most dearly loves to poke fun at is Lord Randolph Churchill. The conjunc- tion coming on a dull night, one of a series, was received with hilarious gratitude, and the sorrow of a nation is temporarily eclipsed by the lingering delight with which men dwell on what will probably hold a place in history to the remotest time as—" Jacob Bright's joke." Wednesday.—The air is full of electricity to-day. The political storm-signal is run up, and presently we shall have gales from N.N.E., backing to E., accompanied by snow and sleet. The busi- ness is beginning perhaps a little early. I am told that when Mr. Gladstone came into power in 1868, it was quite two years before Gentlemen below the gangway began actively to work in the direction of bringing back the Tories. * Now scarcely a year has passed, and the work is already merrily going on. There are private meetings upstairs and downstairs, and in the young ladies' chamber where tea is dispensed. The gentleman whom everyone here calls "Peter," but who is known at Burnley as Mr. Rtlands, has been walking about with long strides, looking unutterable things. "Peter is the stormy petrel of politics," Mr. Bright said, just now. 'Whenever I see him walking busily about the House, with long strides and right arm swinging at ihis side, I know there is something up, and we on the front bench had better look out." As far as I can make things out, it's all about F. At first I thought the initial letter was intended to represent Fudge. But it is worse than that. It seems they want three F.'s. Why, I don't know, and have not yet been long enough in Parliament to have acquired the habit of talking on matters of which I am absolutely ignorant. What I am certain of is, that, up to now, people seem to have got along pretty well with one F. Even in China, where labour is cheap, and where they have two thousand letters in the alphabet, they have only one F. But now Peter and the rest will have three F. s—or Blood shall Flow. The worry is very plainly telling on Mr. Gladstone. He is a great man, and can do almost everything but take matters quietly. He sits all night in his place, listening anxiously, and won't go home and be put to bed by twelve o'clock as he should. He passed me in "Peter" ttib Great— a bv shin'. the(Corridor just now, looking five years older since the Session opened. "Toby," he said, wearily, "what would you do if your tail tried to wag you?" "Sir,1' I replied, "I would sit on it." That's not a bad idea," the Premier said, walking off with fresh vigour m his stride. Thursday Night.—I like Sir Patrick O'Brien's Speech, as far as I can understand it. Perhaps some objection might be taken to his oratorical attitude. I don't suppose Demosthenes was accustomed to address his countrymen with both hands in his trousers'pockets, if indeed, he wore any garment that precisely answered to the modern pantaloon. Nor was Mr. Gladstone ever known to restrain the force of his gestures by the limits of his pockets. Mr. Bright, sometimes, in tho easier passages of his oratory, will have one hand so disposed, and Lord Beaconsfield, when working out a perfectly impromptu joke, has, I am told, been known to have both his hands behind him, elegantly disposed in his coat-tail pockets. These examples, how- ever, do not go all the way to excuse Sir Patrick's preference for his pocket, or render classic his favourite attitude. But the Speech is the thing, and the Speech was magnificent. It was like a picture of Turner, all haze and fragments of objects animate and inanimate. Regarded in detail, and with embarrassing intention to look up the sense of things, it was perhaps open to criticism. You begin here and finished there, or round the corner, or in the next parish, or in the furthest planet. But as no one would take a fo»t-rule and an Ordnance map to check off one of Turner's pictures, so none but a pedant would too curiously inquire what Sir Patrick might mean by this emphatic and luminous speech delivered at midnight. It was a poem rather than a speech—such a poem as we might expect from Mr. Robert Browning if he set up his pulpit in Parliament. Sir Patrick himself saw it all clearly. His whole figure trembled with indignation, as he denounced somebody or something. His face flushed with honest indignation as he regarded the depths of infamy into which something or somebody had fallen; and each listener examined his own heart to discover whether it was possibly he at whom the Hon. and eloquent Baronet, with stern visage and corrugated brow, pointed the finger of pitiless scorn. Mr. Newdegate (who, I am glad to see, nas got over the effects of his little nap in the House the other night) tells me a pretty story about Lord Althorpe, whom he remembers, as he knows a man whose great great grandfather's father-in-law was in Cromwell's Parliament. It seems, that one day Lord Althorpe, being Chan- cellor of the Exchequer, had occasion to make a certain statement, which he had intended to bear out by some figures he had tabulated. Coming down to the House in a hurry, he had forgotten his papers, and mentioning this circumstance to the House, added, that they must take his word for it that if he had his notes with him they would demonstrate his case. The House believed in Lord Althorpe, as it believes in Lord Hartinqton, and at once accepted his statement. Thus it is with Sir Patrick O'Brien. Sense and consecu- tive meaning he has omitted to brin£ with him. But the House listening to his rounded periods, noting his earnest manner, and vaguely sharing his moral indignation, takes these for granted, and fully believes all he is understood to have meant to say. Saturday, 1.30.—It is over at last! The division has been taken, and by 43S votes' to 57. the House of Commons has declared its preference for the Queen s Government, as against the Government of the Land League. It has been a fearsome week, and though no one that I can hear of has got the three F.'s, we have all felt the in- fluence of the three D.'s. Doleful, Dreary, Dull. Poor Mr. Forster has scarcely had heart or time to brush ms hair, and has sat on the Treasury Bench night after night, in a condition of accumulated depression. As the three Mind mice ran after the farmer's wife, to remonstrate with her on the misapplication of the carving knife, so these mysterious and omnipotent three F.'s have chased Mr. Forster through the dull hours of the week. The joy of deliverance is shaded by the knowledge, that on Monday, as early as possible, we shall begin it all over again. Scarcely had the roar of departing Members in search of cabs died out of the House, when Mr. Justin McCarthy was on his feet, moving the adjournment of the debate with deadly intent to renew it on Monday. Everything runs in threes just now, and naturally there are three Amendments to the Address; also we should have three editions of this debate, which seems to answer the question, whether life is worth living. For my own part, reviewing the long hours of tie week, and venturing to slightly alter the eloquent phrase of Mr. Gray, which so delighted the House just now, I should say that three-quarters of it was certainly not, whilst one half is only partially so. THE ROMANCE OF WAR. (Coming Edition.) • • • t f I The mightiest campaign that United Europe had. witnessed for six centuries was over at last. The struggle was ended. On they marched, the thin but heroic battalions that but a fort- night since had sped down that self-same thoroughfare, with blithe- some step and full-numbered ranks, amid the frantic acclamation of a misguided but sanguine people. It was an ovation I Then there is a terrible nush of respect, as the one living repre- sentative of the glorious 196th, an officer with the rank of Major, whose fresh and glistening uniform gleams like a beacon of fame in this river of pent-HP fire, with head erect and brightening eye, passes between the seething masses of his fellow-countrymen. "The only survivor! He must have fought like a lion!" cries one. The Major, the great survivor, has faced the Presence, and received the reward. A veteran, who remembers Wellington, overcome, is speaking thickly to him. "Ha!" he said, trying to compass the marvellous escape, "I see! You were not mounted: for had you had to keep your seat under such conditions" "Keep me seat. Sorr!" rejoined the other, quickly—"why, bless you, I've nicer been out of it! Bedad, Sorr, don't ye know that I'm a Parliamentary Major!" January 22, 1881.] 29 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Suy! "A BIT Cy MEAT." A Back-Street Ballad. Here's your quality, Ladies!" Now, were I a bit of • BEED "Bur! Buy.1 a wag, And not merely a butcherman's tout, I could lahgh at my cry.*5* Pretty " gag"i To go calling out customers " ladies," poor souls! Well it don't do to feel. I have got to be sharp as my carver, and well nigh as hard as my steel. Bless your heart, if I gave way to pity, those "pieces" might go at a price That would rough up old Buffles' sleek hair like a porkypine's. En! Don t loot nice r P'raps not to the quality eye, but the poor aren't pertiklcr, you know. You should just see the women a-swanning around 'cm when prices rule low. Wouldn't quite suit a dalicot fancy to see how they handle and sniff; Have to shout at 'em sharp pretty "often; they think I 'm a regular griff; But one woman did come round me, somehow. I 'vo never regretted itj—no. But I wouldn't have Buffles to hear it, not for the best beast in the Show. Pinched figures, pale faces, and coughs 'mongst the women I serve, aren't so rare That hers shoula have fetched me so sudden; but somehow her soft pleading stare, Her thin tight-drawn shawl and clenched fingers, all trembling, and blue, and the sigh With which she held out that three ha'pence, upset mo—I hardly know why. I suppose if she hadn't been pretty,—we 've all a soft corner for that, Rather rough on the dowdy ones, ain't it ?—I might have refused her plump flat. "It is all I have got, every bit,—and my husband, Sir" here she Droke down. And I tumbled quick into her basket what cost me a level half-crown. /squared it with Buffles, oh! trust me, no doing the kind on the cross; But I think that the look which she gave me made up for the bit of a lbss._ "This may just save my husband," she said, with large eyes in which gratitude shone • . Like those of a half-starved street cur when you fling him a scrap of ft bone. I saw him that evening, her husband, I mean. Such a broken-down waste. Three months out o' work, six weeks ill, and he 'd pined, so she said, for the taste Of a bit o' fresh meat, after slops and short commons so long. That, you know, Is a longing the poor often have, sick or well, when the money runs low. There's heaps of 'em scarce ever have it, not twice in a twelvemonth. I 'm told Nature wants it in climates like ours—working hard in the wet and the cold. Well, I know Nature don't always get it, and so you mayn't wonder, perhaps, That their women-folk swarm round our trays of what you 'd call unsavoury scraps. They made that poor soul a rare meal. I sat watching him eat it, I did: Seemed.to string up those limp shrunken limbs stretched out 'neath the old coverlid. Enjoyment? I 've seen swells a-feasting, but never a sight to compare With that bricklayer's supper of scraps m that garret dim-lighted and bare. He died in a fortnight from then; too far gone, don't you see. Were all known "Starved to death were a frequenter yerdick than some folks are willing to own. For a strong chap can starve right enough upon slops, bread and scrape, and such tack; And when death isn't sudden or public'the crowner don't get on the track. But there's hundreds of "natural deaths" as cheap meat might prevent, and cheap meat Has been promised the poor pretty often; but butchers are rum 'uns to beat. I could tell some queer tales if I cared to. D'ye think Buffles cares one brass button, So long as "prime" prices are fetched, how he robs the poor man of his mutton r Foreign stuff was to bring down home figgers, but then, don't you sec, if it's sold As genuine British, top price, why the poor gets left out in the cold, Whilst old Buffles bags extry shiners, and chuckles at night o'er his till, And eager-faced woman must bargain for tainted block-ornaments still. Now Yanks and the Big Ship, they say, mean to lower our prices all round, And lay down prime Texas m England at something like threepence a pound. Old Buffles cries "Walker!" and winks. Trade m trade, as he says, but fair's fair, And I know what " the odd copper " means too when there's only a copper to spare. No gammon, Sir. You should ha' seen that poor Brioky a wolfing his treat, Should know what it means, that same longing o' such for a bit o' fresh meat; Should see the hugged shawl and clenched ha'pence, the half-hoping gleam of the eye, In women for whom but too oft there's mere mock in the butcher's "Buy! buy!" OUR LITTLE GAMES. La Grasse. Bounders. "FORTITER OCCUPA PORTUM." It appears there has been a Sanitary Inspection of the Port of London. The information comes from the Shipping Gazette, so it is apparent what port is meant; but why should there not be a sanitary inspection of port wine. What a fine field of labour would lie before the Sanitary Committee which undertook such a task. The revelations which it would make, would, no doubt, be painful, but the information gained could not fail to be of value. It would discover, perhaps, that such un- considered trifles as sugar, logwood, elderberries, litmus, beet-root and rhatany, entered into the composition of port wine, varied with carbonates of potash, soda and lead. The flavour so much appreciated would be found to be due to tannin, and the bouquet to laurel water, while the wine would give conclusive evidence of forti- fication with raw spirit of the lowest class, ordered by the British wine merchant, who, as a high authority states, is chiefly to blame for " all the corrupt practices pursued in the sophistication of wine." The unhappy Committee would also discover that many absolutely spurious ports were in the market, which are made with a beautiful crust, while a venerable appear- ance is cleverly imparted to new corks. Somebody must drink such counterfeits, or they would not be made, and therefore somebody suffers. It is probable also that the Committee would suffer, and the family doctor would be in request after every tour of inspection. But still we might hope to find a gradual improvement in what Christopher North called a "sonnd constitutional episcopal" wine; and even Sir Wilfrid would hardly object to that, for be it noted, that adulterated stimulants never yet did anything for the temperance cause. The Advantages of Flunkeyism.—As the day the King of Greece went to the City to take up his freedom was the only day in 1880 when the Strand was cleared of its mud by the local authorities, the inhabitants would do well to get another King to go to the City. The Scavenger in this thoroughfare is as extinct as the Dodo. 30 [January 22, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE FAMOUS PORTRAIT. Lady Midas. "Now for your opinion', Dear!" Ernest Raphael Sopely. "Yes—your candid opinion, Mrs. de Tomkyns. Oorgius Midas, Junior. "As a friend of both Parties, you know—hay, Mrs. T.?" Mrs. Ponsonby de Tomkyns (equal, as usual, to the occasion). "Well—as a mere Work of Art, it surpasses ANYTHING I havf. EVER SEEN EITHER BY TlTIAN, REMBRANDT, OR VELASQUEZ, AND WILL LIVE FOR EVER! BUT—AS A LlKEXESS OF UY DEAREST LADY Midas, it is—you will forgive me for saying so, Mr. Sopely?"—{the Artist bows)—"a Libel/" [Exeunt all to dinner, in the best of spirits, and just as E. R. Sopely is on the point of offering to paint Mrs. P. de T. for nothing. Sir Oorgius gives him a Commission for two full-length Portraits of that admirable woman, one for her, and one for himself and '"«■ Ladyship." LILLIPUT TO THE RESCUE! There was a little man Had a little Party clan, Of which he was regarded as the head, head, head; Neither Tory quite nor Whig, Nor numerically hig, Oh, how hravely, how consummately 'twas led, led, led! This little man was young, But he had a little tongue, Which glibly and audaciously he 'd wag, wag, wag. And his followers—there were tiiree !— Cheered his talk with noisy glee, And the Universe defied their mouths to gag, gag, gag. And the Universe looked on, Rather tickled at the fun; Puck-Demiurgus really wasn't in it, in it, in it. Like four Minnows amidst Tritons Dwelt that quaint quartette of Crichtons, And the Tritons were not troubled for a minute, minute, minute. Then a crisis there arose, And, as one might well suppose, The little man that crisis rose to meet, meet, meet; Gave his locks a defter curl, His moustache a tighter twirl, And pitched his vocal pipes to accents sweet, sweet, sweet. With one hand upon his hip, And the other with a grip On his little—very little—sword of lath, lath, lath, He thrasonically cried, "Titans, Jam on your side; So you needn't fear the lions in your path, path, path. "Though you look so tall and strong, You 're good giants quite gone wrong, And you really, really are not a success, cess, cess. 1 rom your simmering and surging, I 'm afraid that fear is urging You to measures that will land you in a mess, mess, mess. "But there, don't you be afraid! Jam coming to your aid, If you '11 only up and do the thing that's right, right, right. Just you range yourselves behind me, And come on! By George, you '11 find me A much more than modern Malbrook in the fight, fight, fight. "On! There's nothing I won't dare! Can you hear my voice up there? I must get a pair of stilts—yes, that's the plan, plan, plan! Dont be frightened! Trust to »ie 7 Why, I '11 call up my brave Three, And we four will right for you—aye, like one man, man, man'" Then those Titans twain looked down— They were giants of renown— At that perky, pigmy Paladin below, low, low, And one of them gave a puff Of derision. 'Twos enough. Lo! the Lilliputian vanished with the blow, blow, blow! Hints for "Blair's Sermons" (latest Wigtown or Torytown Edition).—" Cursorary " est orare. Jierenons a ?ios moutons. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— January 22, 1881. WHm j' THE GIANTS AND THE PIGMY. The Little Foubth Paety. "HAVE NO FEAR, VALIANT SIRS!—BEAR IN MIND THAT YOU HAVE MY SUPPORT!!" January 22, 1881.] 83 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Confidential Friend (to elderly and not unattractive Spinster). "So, Dear, you 'ye GIVEN UP ADYOCATINO WOMEN'S KlOHTS?" Elderly Spinster. "Yes, I now oo in fob Women's Lefts." Confidential Friend. "Women's Lefts! What 's that?" Elderly Spinster. "Widowers, my Dear!" THE CORRUPT PRACTICES BILL. Sis r Henry, you 're hard on the British Elector; In future a vote wiR be not " worth a rap;" Of bribery you 're a ferocious detector, And publicans even must turn off the tap. If this Bill should pass, a man's outjof his senses, Whoever a Candidate's views may.promote; Why, hang it, you won't allow pay or expenses,— So, pray, what's the use of an Englishman's Vote? The days are all fled when the free, independent Elector gratuitous grog could imbibe; His law-ridden son and unhappy descendant Will go off to prison for giving a bribe. Time was when the Candidate's affable manners Were nought without gold, and a vote was a boon. No more can we charge for our poles and our banners. Farewell in the future to " Men in the Moon." No more will elections be festival seasons, But dull as the water that lies in a ditch; And Members won't bribe, for the best of all reasons— Your penalties—making the poor like the rich. Oh, England, my country! in silence and sorrow I blush for your state, and your woes I bewail. I 'U give up my right to the franchise to-morrow, For what's a Vote worth if it isn't for sale? For Value Received. From: The Academy we learn that Lord Suffolk's famous La Vierge aux Hochers by Leonardo, has been secured for the National Gallery for £9,000. Bravo! Exactly one thousand less than Messrs. Longmans are said to have paid for Endymion. What will be the value of Lord Beacoxsfield s work when it attains the age of Leonardo's picture? Give it up: incalculable. JUVENILE OFFENDERS. As the clause concerning flogging has virtually dropped out of the Whiteboy Act, Sir W. V. Harcourt's new Bill, into which such a clause, must be introduced for the benefit of the dirty mischievous gamins, might be called, for all purposes of allusion and quotation, "The Blackboy Act.'^ SCHOOL-BOARD PAPERS.—No. 3. The object of all education, as yon are doubtless aware, is to soften your maimers and suffer you not to be brutal. The kind, good, and patient ratepayer, who finds the money to refine you, is under the impression that he or his children will reap the benefit of this refinement in a decrease of criminality, or rather illegality, and its consequent expenses. Let him not live and die under a false impression. Soften your manners to the consistency of pap. Never let your angry passions rise beyond the level of genteel indignation; never let your more or less little boots, and the more or less little feet that are in them, be found jumping on a sister or a mother. Check unruly speech. Your little tongues were never formed to make disrespectful observations about each other's eyes. I say check unruly speech. I may go further, and say never use language that is not largely diluted with water. Never say you loathe a thing, when you have such a harmless word as dislike. Never call people vicious when you can describe them as faulty. Never accuse a man of impudence when you can say he has a little too much confidence; never say he is headstrong when you have such a word as venturesome. Remember that nothing is atrocious, it is only notorious; that no one is callous, he is only unsusceptible. Remember that no one cheats, he only beguiles; that no one is criminal, he is only illegal; that no one commits a blunder, he is only guilty of an error of judgment. Things that coarse people would call trash, you must speak of as trifles; things that coarser people would call filthy, you must speak of as dingy; things that both would call gaudy, you must speak of as glittering. Never forget that people are not fools or foolish, they are simply simple; that they are not vulgarly fat, but pleasantly adipose; that no one gorges, but only fiUs himself; that murder is softened into despatch; that lies must always be called fibs, and the man who creates lies must be called a fibber. This is only general politeness, which you will show to all sexes and all classes; in the case of ladies you are bound to be even more careful. Let me impress upon you that a woman is never ugly, she is only homely. If she is accused of being forward, you must say she is progressive; if they go further and say she is free and easy, you must alter these words to liberal and unrestricted; and when the Poet (I think it is Shakspeare) insists upon giving her the name of frailty, you must alter this offensive word to imperfection. Do all you can to so regulate your speech that no one will notice or care to remember what you say; and, above aU, avoid the abusive lan- guage which I am sorry to say is creeping even into once respectable journals. I need do no more than allude to the disgraceful attacks which have been made in Punch on that great and good man the Duke of Mudford.* When such an ornament of the vegetable kingdom is held up to unmerited ridicule, we naturally ask what next, and next ?—and pause for a reply. • And may be made again.—Ed. The Conspirators in Bombay. When the Professional Magicians employed by the Indian Con- spirators failed to bring up money out of the earth by their charms —they were evidently not young lady magicians—they very wisely recommended another way of raising money, i.e., by subscription. They would have proved themselves better conjurors had they begun with this method, which the cookery books would call "another and a shorter way." New Phrases.—"Boycotting a Landlord" is now accepted. To describe the means used to prevent citizens from serving on a Jury, or to intimidate them when they had once been sworn, the phrase "Em-parnelling the Jury " might be used. For a witness perjuring himself under intimidation, we might have as an expressive phrase "taking his Half-a-Davitt." 34 [January 22, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. OUR NEW BOGEYS. One is called a Fenian; the other a Nihilist. The Fenian is the most dreaded, as ho is a Home or domestio demon. He causes water-pipes to burst, tho Thames to oversow, and the gas to burn badly; he creates the fogs to choke and blind us, and the mud to spoil our clothes. He corrupts cabmen and makes them abuse and overcharge us, he makes ser- vants insolent, and theatrical at- tendants rapaoious. He encou- rages the Billingsgate fish-ring in their dirt, and the Duke of Mudford in his obstinacy and obstruotiveness. _ He inspires the Meddlevex Magistrates with re- strictive notions and contempt for Magna Charta and the Bill of Rights. This may seem Anti- Fenian, but it is a peculiarity of Extremists to be a little incon- sistent. He upholds the Water- Monopoly and their extravagant demands, and he stands in the way of author and fair and sen- sible copyright. He does all he can, in fact, to make life not worth living. The Nihilist is a foreign demon, with a curious passion for clock- work. He is credited with many offenoes of which he is probably not guilty. He is accused of placing dynamite on railways, of setting fire to Custom-houses, and other outrages; and he and his brother Bogey, tho Fenian, have caused the Volunteers to look sharply after their arms, and the policemen after their truncheons. New Department at Scot- land Yard.—The Criminal In- stigation Department. PUNCH'S FANCY PORTRAITS.-No. 15. CAPTAIN SHAW-THE FIRE-KING. "Through fire I do wander everywhere." Midsummer NigfU's D>-eam. "Oh, did you never hear of a jolly young fireman ?"—Ballad adapted. A NEW IRISH MELODY. (As Sung by the Premier.) Am—" Break, break, break.'" Talk, talk, talk, In thy cold calm tones, 0 " P."! And I would I might utter the language That sometimes occurs to me! 0 well for Lord B. that he sits As a Peri among the Peers! 0 well for the Radical "Reds," With their "warnings," and worry, and jeers! And the stately Whigs go on Demanding a moderate Bill. But 0 for a prison for Parnell and Dillon, That the Land-Leaguers' voice may be still! Talk, talk, talk, In thy cold calm tones, 0 " P."! But the tender grace of your style just now Shall never bamboozle me! A Capital Title. A meeting of West Kent Farm- ers was held the other night at Bromley in Kent, "under the auspices of the Farmers' Alli- ance, in support of Mr. Inder- wick's Bill to amend the Ex- traordinary Tithes Act." This Tithes Act "imposes a tax upon improved cultivation of the land." It certainly has, in a sense, the advantage of an extraordinarily good name. As an Act discou- raging Agricultural improvement, the Extraordinary Tithes Act must bo allowed to be an extraor- dinary Aot indeed! Such an Act should be amended altogether. OUR OWN CITY COMMISSION. (Sittings Resumed after Christmas Holidays.) The Beadle. Our Commissioner. Pray, Sir, what are you? Beadle. I am the Beadle of the Worshipful Company of Bellows- Menders. O. C. What are your principal duties? B. They are so numerous as to be rather difficult to describe. O. C. More numerous than important, perhaps. B. That, Sir, will be for you to judge. O. C. Describe some of them. B. I have to deliver all notices of meetings to the Master, War- dens and Court of Assistants, and occasionally to the whole of our Livery. O. C. But could you not send them by Post? B. It has never "been the practice of the Worshipful Company of Bellows-Menders to employ mere Postmen, except in very extreme cases. O. C. And why not, for goodness' sake? B. We shouldn't consider it consistent with our dignity. O. C. Ah, I see! Proceed. 2?._ I live at the Hall, and have to see that it is kept in proper condition, and the rooms prepared for all customary meetings. O. C. Don't you keep any servants then? B. Oh, yes, plenty of 'em, but I superintend them. O. C. Proceed, Sir. B. I have to arrange with our Contractor for our various State Banquets, and to act as taster on those important occasions, so as to be able to vouch, from actual experience, that the early peas, the early strawberries, the early sparrowgrass, and the early jrapes, are what they profess to be. O. C. Dear me, that must be a very trying duty. B. It is so, Sir; but it is a duty from which I never shrink, and never will. Why, I have sometimes paid as much as two guineas a pound for Grapes, so I am obligated to see we are not imposed upon. O. C. Two guineas a pound for grapes! B. Yes, but they were remarkably fine, and a Royal Dook even praised them. O. C. Did he indeed! What else? B. I have to get the cheques changed into £5 notes and half-crowns for the Court's Fees. O. C. Why in that particular form P B. They eaoh receive a £5 note and two half-crowns. It used to be the custom to put the half-crowns into the Poor Box, but, some time ago, ono of them moved that £50 should be put in at Christmas, out of the Company's Funds, instead of the half-crowns, so now they wrap them up in their £5 notes, and quietly pocket the lot. O. C. From what I gather from the Master and from you, the Company seems to have an enormous income. B. Fortune has smiled upon the Worshipful Bellows-Menders. O. C. So it seems. Can you give me any special case? B. Yes, Sir, I can. The one Member of our Company whose name we reverence above that of all other men, is Simon Slodge, who, as I have often heard our Reverend Chaplain say, "in the true spirit of a patriotic Bellows-Mender," left us £20,000 "to enjoy ourselves," and, as our Worshipful Master would say, we devote every shilling of it in accordance with the will of the pious Donor. O. C. No doubt of it. B. We hold a Grand Festival on St. Simon's Day every year, and drink in solemn silence to his pious memory. On one occasion, I remember, when we had a rather unlearned Master, he made a curious mistake, and actually proposed the health of St. Simon! O. C. Some of your Masters are, I suppose, what are called self- made men. B. Yes; but I always take charge of them at dinner, keep them straight with the Toasts, and never leave 'em till it's all over. O. C. Havo you any singular customs in connection with your Company? Januahy 22, 1881.] 35 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. B. "Well, we hare one that is rather strange. _ One of our Liverymen, who lived in the reign of that most religious and gra- cious Monarch, King Henry the Eighth, of blessed memory, wishing to show his ex- treme repugnance to the unnatural custom of Fasting, left a certain sum of money to the Company, the interest of which is to be devoted to a magnificent Banquet to be held during Lent, and it is certainly one of our very best, though we do call it our "Lenten Entertainment.' Ah, Sir, men adopt va- rious ways of showing their pious opinions; but where, I should like to know, outside a Livery Company, would you find such a combination of earnest zeal and a capital dinner? O. C. Is there no distinction whatever made on this rather unusual occasion P B. Oh, yes; we are rather particular in regard to the music We draw the line at Comic Songs. O. C. Ah, well, that's something. Pray what is your Salary? B. Something under £200 a year. O. C. Any perquisites P B. A few fees of quite insignificant cha- racter. O. C. Are you boarded as well as lodged? B. Oh no, oertainly not; but the Court always have a copious Lunch, after their frequent meetings; and it would be con- sidered derogatory to return any portion thereof to our Contractors. O. C. Ah, I see. I should think upon the whole yours must be a particularly comfortable position. B. I make no complaint, Sir. I am one of those fortunate men who are easily satis- fied. I seek no change, for it might be for the worse. _ I do my duty as a Beadle, I enjov my rights as a Liveryman of London, and 1 have my full reward in a clear con- science and a good digestion. | L 0. C. You may retire. [He retires triumphantly. A BRADLATJGHABLE AFFAIR. Mr. Bradlaugh's decisive refusal to accept M. Laibsant's challenge having, for the moment, terminated the "incident," the following further correspondence on the subject may be confidently expected:— Gentlemen, If the difficulty is Mr. Bradlaugh's modesty in naming a couple of friends to represent him, we write to say that me shall all be delighted to act in that capacity, and are prepared to arrange for a meeting on any terms forthwith. We are yours, Ac., Two Hundred and Seventy Three Members of the House of Commons. Gentlemen, We were confident that chivalry was not dead in your great country. On what terms do you propose that the en- counter shall take place f Be assured, &cv Camille Pelletan, Chief Editor of "La Justice." Louis Gulllet, Deputy of the Isere. Gentlemen, As the provocation seems to us, we frankly admit, to have been most grave, we should suggest butcher's hatchets tied on to broomsticks; the duel to take place in a diving-bell, in the dark. We are yours, The Two Hundred, &c. Gentlemen, Though at present unfamiliar with this method of conducting an affair of DISPLACEMENT. Old Gentleman (Military man, guest of the Squire's, conversing with smart-looking Hustle). "Wounded in the Crimea were you? Badly?" Rustic. "The Bullet hit me in the Chist, here, Surr, an' came out at me Back!" Old Gentleman. "The deuce I Come, come, Pat, that won't do! Why, it would have gone right through your Heart, Man!" Rustle. "Och, faix me Heart was in me Mouth at the thoime, Surr!!" honour, our principal is so keenly sensible of the insult passed on him by Mr. Bradlaugh, that he is prepared to wipe it out in the manner you indicate. Be good enough to inform us when you propose the enoounter should take place, and Be a^ured, &<.., Camtlle Pelletan. Gentlemen, At the very earliest moment possible. Thanking you most sincerely for your kind assistance in this matter. y?e KK> xhe Two Hundred, &c. Legal Receipt.—How to make a Lord Chief Justice of Queen's Bench.—Take a Lord Chief Justice of Common Pleas,'and a Lord Chief Baron; mix well, roll into one, and serve up as Lord Chief Justice of Queen'B Bench. 3G [January 22, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. DIGNITY. Pretty Cousin. "Well, and how do you like Woolwich, Bobby?' Bob Sywo/cer (Gentleman Cadet). "Oh, it ain't bad!" Pretty Cousin, "And when do you go back?" Bob. "A—at Woolwich we don't 'go back,'—we—A—join!" TAKE CARE OF YOUR COMMONS. Most Excellent Me. Punch, You have always found Toby a good house- dog, and will doubtless hnd him a good House-of-Com- mons dog. What is very much wanted in that House, is a suitable dog to do the work of a watch-dog. The purpose for which a watch-dog is requisite in Parliament, and especially the Lower House, is that of keeping a look out on Private Bills, which very often get smuggled through it to the privation of the Public. Amongst those Bills, some of the most objectionable and injurious Bills are Railway Bills, through which Public Land is expropriated by Private Associations. Attention is due to an alarming statement, which you may have seen, that divers Railway Companies design to obtain Acts enabling them to annex, or encroach upon, sundry Commons in the neighbourhood of London. In particular, Wimbledon Common is named as one of the Commons threatened by Railway Companies with spoliation. A sharp, thorough, wide-awake parliamen- tary watch-dog is needful to protect that most beautiful of the Commons and most valuable of the open spaces about the Metropolis from devastation. It is to be hoped that Toby will not have too much else to do than keep his eye as a watch-dog on Private Bills. His two eyes are as good as a hundred, and there is no other dog equally endowed with optical organs, up to snuff, and vigilant, except indeed your Ancient Canine Friend' Cerberus. P.S. Guard well against every attack on the Lungs of London; or, considered as open spaces radiant with enjoy- able sunshine, we might call them, London Lights. Charon Kennel, Hades House, Styxshire. A'OT "IDLE HANDS. The Prince and Princess of Wales, and a "Select Party "—(who's this?)—have been staying at Oakham. It shows a strong bias in H.R.H. the Prince towards active employment, that having so many charming country residences, sports, and pastimes to choose from, he should go into the country and pick Oakham! Lowtuer-Arcadia.—Ireland under the Right Hon. James Lowtheh, according'to his own opinion. THE AID TO CHIME. Scene—A Paicnbroker's Premises. Dramatis Persona—Mr. William Sikes, Burglar; Mr. Aabon Skzto Moses, Paicnbroker. William Sikes. Are you the guv'nor of this 'ere shop? Aaron Sezto 3foses. Ycth, I m the proprietor of these spathious premithes. W. S. That's right, as I 've got a little job in your way; goin' to put a bit o' summat up the spout, yer know. A. even when backed up by the guardians, to deprive a pauper of his liberty. In defence it was urged that the master had the riirht under the provisions of the Act 65 Geo. III., cap. 157, sec. 6. Ihe Magistrate however, said that neither that nor any other Act empowered a workhouse master to imprison a pauper, and accordingly fined the defendant 40,». and costs. Thus was an official philanthropist fined for a slight over- exertion of true benevolence; a benevolence during the late incle- ment weather peculiarly seasonable. And so Virtue was punished. Henevolence is a virtue vulgarly much mistaken. It does not consist in merely giving. There is a Positive Benevolence, which gives, and a Negative Benevolence which denies. The latter is the Benevolence with which Political Economy requires Paupers to be treated, for the good of others-the Ratepayers, and for a warning also to others on the other hand—the labouring classes, .therefore, the Poor Law forbids pipes to Paupers, old or young, -tobacco is an anaesthetic. The narcotic influence of a pipe blunts a paupers sense of his situation, and alleviates the discomfort to which, he has been charitably condemned for improvidence in not having effectually taken thought for the morrow. Negative Benevo- lence denies the pauper a pipe, precisely as justice orders the garotter a flogging. Allow the pauper tobacco t As well let the garotter be flogged under chloroform. But might not paupers reduced to want by pure misfortune be, without prejudice to politico-economical principles, permitted the occasional solace of smoking? Negative Benevolence says decidedly "No." The least culpable of the inmates of a workhouse must not be elevated into an order enjoying an indulgence not conceded even to first-class misdemeanants in a gaol. These are the uncompro- mising views and sentiments of Mr. Bumble. ECHO IN THE CITY. Q. Can we to Corporation look for help in time of snow? A. No! Q. What is the last thing they can do, who should from misery shade us? A. Aidus. Q. Who is the real Autocrat at any glacial crisis? A, Ice is. Q. How shows the management of our big-wigs of bulky salary? A. All awry. Q. What is the only answer comes when one has for a Cab sent? A. Absent.' Q. What are they, these officials high, who Jack Frost's freaks should bridle? A. Me! Q. And what the great Panjandrums who bring London to such passes? A. (sotto voce). Asses! AT THE PRUTCE OF WALES'S THEATRE. "The Colonel," says the Olobe, "is well mounted." So he ougnt to be, as he commands a cavalry regiment. Theatres next week. February 12, 1881.] 71 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI STEADY!" Citizen (who had been dining with hie "Company"). "Here, Cabma', lk' me drive!— I'll uld'take to make him go! Cabby. "No, no, Sir—not if I know it! D'you wast to cet us botii 'Warehoused'?!" BEAUTY NOT AT HOME, A Back-Street Ballad, dedicated to the Kyrlc Society. The ceiling was cracked, and the walls were bare, There was mud on the floor, there was ice on the bed; For "the tide had been in," and, in piteous scare, The mother and bairns from their "home" had all fled." And he stood, midst the wreck of his flooded-out dwelling,— 'Twas fourteen feet square and three feet underground, And few cellars more dirty or evilly smelling In London, the dull and unlovely, are found. He was only a labourer, brawny and coarse, He 'd been trying to sweep out the slime from his floor, An 1 perhaps 'twas the damp that had made him so hoarse; But a spick-and-span person who peeped at the door, And who looked like an angel who 'd folded his wings Under broadcloth, lisped forth, "Now this really might give A suggestion to those who love Beautiful Things. How—how can our dear poorer brethren—a—live Lives so unaisthetic, so shorn of True Beauty? Now here is a capital opening for them, Who—like our Society—hold it their duty To bring Beauty home to the People.—Ahem!" The labourer lifted his head at the grunt— For a Kvrle'd darling's cough 'tis perhaps a coarse term— And exclaimed, " "Wot's your game ?"—these low men are so blunt- "Here ain't nothink to tempt yer, onless ver a worm. If yet partial to mud, like a wriggler, all right; You '11 find lots on it here. I don't like it myself. I would say ' Take a seat,' as is only perlite, But ver can't axe a gemman to sit on a shelf." Then the Kyrle man stepped in. all a-tiptoe, and stood "With a crook in his neck, and a kink rn his waist, And he said, "My poor friend, I would fain do you good. I 'm a humble apostle of Cultchaw and Taste." "Wot's them?" asked the labourer—" Summut to eat? Or likely, this weather, to keep out the cold?" Said his visitor, "Ah! They give Light, they are Sweet!" "Oh! like flres'and rum with, if I may be so bold," Said that fustian-clad Philistine; "don't sound arf bad. Why, I took yer for one o' the kind I cuts short,— Meaning Tracks!" Sighed the Kyrle Man, " This really is sad! "What would Postlethwaite make'of a scene of this sort?" Th^n aloud, "Friend, the worst of this terrible scene Is its uttah unloveliness. Beauty's a boon That makes even the desert of Poverty green. Now a dado, you see, or a simple-sweet toon, Were it only ' Bo-Peep' on a comb, don't you know, At this moment would make all this misery melt Into raptchaw, and banish this odour,—although I must own 'tis the nastiest ever I smelt. Take a sniff at this Lily, or only a look,— We can lice upon looks, if directed aright. I will leave it you, friend, with Miss Hill's little book. What you want's mural paintings, and Sweetness and Light. Lilies would not grow here, though there's plenty of mud, And for frescoes your walls, I admit, are scarce fit; But just think of the Beautiful, not of that flood, And you '11 grow quite resigned to things—after a bit. Has your wife, now, a good Peacock's feather? What, no? Oh. there 's comfort untold in a fine Peacock's feather! 'Twill make her forget the high tide, the deep snow, And the wreck of her home, and the state of the weather; Believe me "But here, from a sound that ensued, The Muse very much fears that Kyrle man got kicked out. Were the poor not such Philistines, boorish, and rude, He 'd have done, oh! a great deal of good Were—no doubt! Parliamentary Legacy.—We have heard a great deal lately of "The Will of the House." Is Parliament moribund? If it calls in its legal advisers and makes its will, it will, of course, leave every- thing to the Speaker. The "Will" of the House, however, just now seems to be William Gladstone. 72 [February 12, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ENCOURAGEMENT. Jones {who has just added the last finishing touch to his Picture). "Well?" Smith. "Well, you've just cot it into a capital state to BEGIN' WORKING UPON!" VERY CIVIL WAR! (A Page from the Diary of a British Officer in the Transvaal.) Monday— Received instructions to " treat prisoners with courtesy, but not to afford'them the rights of belligerents." What on earth does this mean? Looked up the Queen's Regulations and the Articles of War. Can't find anything to meet the case. Seems to me that a fellow must be either a rebel or an enemy. Powder and shot for the one; soda and brandy for the other! Hope I shan't take a prisoner. If I do—hanged if I know what I shall do with him! Tuesday— Everything going on all right. Playful skirmish with enemy. Query, are they enemies, or rebels, or what? Give it up— never was good at answering conundrums! Fortunately they rode away before we got up to them. In consequence, no prisoners on either side. Had another turn at the authorities, and went to sleep over them. Write this before turning in. All right up to now. Wednesday.—As I expected! In for it! Just before ending an uneventful, and consequently cheerful day, a prisoner was taken by an over-officious colour-sergeant! Should like to break the fellow for his folly, only I suppose it was his duty! Nice mess though! What am I to do now? Decided not to see the prisoner to-night. He wiU keep—or rather, wc shall have to keep him—until to-morrow morning. Thursday.—The prisoner was brought before me. Not half a bad tellow. He had strayed into our lines by mistake—wish he had made another mistake, and had strayed out again! He speaks hnghsh fluently, and appreciates my"jeu de mots about " What "a Boer! He has read all the London papers. He knows my instruc- tions, and feels for me. Asked if he would mind being handcuffed, he says, Not at all—to oblige me." Apologised to him, but ex- plained I was in no end of a fix. Awfully good fellow! Saw him to his cell. Gave him my sofa, and lent him a dressing-gown. Awfully cheery fellow! Knows a lot of fellows I know. Looked up the Articles of War, to see if I could make him an honorary member of the Mess. Friday—Deal old Peter (my prisoner) had breakfast with me. Asked him, as a friend, what he thinks I ought to do with him? He doesn't know. He is, however, under the impression that I should be going too far if I shot him. So am I. He quite sees my diffi- culty, and wants to help me. He suggested that he might keep up the spirit of the thing by picking some "oakum. He says that he believes " that is the proper penal servitude form." "With some rope and an old pair of kid-gloves," he says " he will be quite the cheer- ful convict!" Awfully good fellow, Peter! The most obliging chap I ever met! Looked him up in the evening. He says " oakum- picking not half bad fun." No more it is! Tried some myself. Bet Peteb I would pick a pound before he got through eight ounces. Won, by Jove, in a canter! Peteb (awfully good tellow, Peteb !) paid up like a man! Saturday.—Glorious news! No end pleased! Peteb escaped this morning! Got a letter from him later in the day, telling me that he thought it would save us both a lot of trouble if he bolted. He added that he had got shot through the arm by a sentry. It was only a scratch, and he was going on all right. Not to be bothered about him. Thanks for all my courtesy and kindness. Had had a very jolly time with me. and was sorry he was obliged to be off. *' Ta! ta! and love to all old pals!" Dear old Peter, one of the best fellows I ever met! Shall certainly put him up for my Club when I get back home! in iMemoriamt {Monumental Brass for St. Stephen's.) Hereunder Sleeps (With one Eye wide open) THE LONG-ESTABLISHED PROCEDURE OF PARLIAMENT, Curious, Cumbersome, and Characteristic; Yet, owing its gradual Development To a jealous Watchfulness over the Liberties of the Many Rather than To a boundless Consideration for the Licence of the Few, It gave, for all Time, Hampden, Pitt, and Palmerston To the Worship of a Grateful Country, And consigned, one Tuesday Morning, Mr. BIGGAR To the Custody of the Sergeant-at-Arms. Thus, while fulfilling simultaneously The Purpose of History, The Duties of the Policeman, And, Sir Michael Hicks Beach being lulled to Slumber, The Functions of a Narcotic, It nevertheless Handed over to several courteous Gentlemen from Ireland, Apparently absolutely and for Ever, The Legislative Machinery of the Three Kingdoms, The Contents of the Tea-Room, And the Nervous System of Mr. Brand. Inaugurating, therefore, Within the Walls of the House of Commons, The Production of Pantomime, The Installation of Torture, And the Extinction of Debate. It Collapsed, After one-and-forty Hours of dozing Dignity, Summarily and sweetly, On the Appearance of Mr. Gladstone, Who, Having slept and breakfasted, Hurled it suddenly, To the Delight of the Reporters, The Consternation of Mr. Parnele, And the Jubilation of Everybody, Into the Depths of that Official Avernus, Where, Mourned by a Discreet but entirely Elegant Minority, It is earnestly to be hoped It will rest undisturbed In Imperial but permanent Peace. A Buy Word.—Cash. o he spouted against it, a Radical hearty, And once more deserted the Liberal party. But "Canny Newcastle" can't quite un- derstand The way that he plays his political hand. Can it be into Office he 's trying to dance P— For that's often the aim of your rabid Free Lance. Let us hope, if he is, he will find it no go, And that Gladstone will blandly remark, "Not for Joe!" A DANGEROUS PET. A man may keep almost any kind of pet so long as he is not a nuisance to his neigh- bours. He may harbour cats or cobras, mice or monkeys, he may take to his heart the gentle giraffe or the amiable armadillo, may teach the festive flea to perform feats of strength, or keep an elephant in his back garden. But he may not keep living Colorado beetles, and for the very simple reason that they are liable to escape, and might bring a terrible plague on the country. Thus it happens that a farmer in a benighted village in Devonshire known as Tealmpton, has been fined for having twenty of these dangerous insects in his possession, and we are told he frequently exhibited them, so that nothing was more probable than the escape of one or more of these pests. He has been very properly punished -; and agri- culturists with scaratoean proclivities had better henceforward curb their yearnings for living specimens of the Colorado beetle. A Chieftain to Childers. Thebf. has been considerable excitement lately about "Breaches of Privilege" in Parliament. The Irish have raised the cry; but the Scoteh will not be silent when there is a question about touching their distinc- tive Tartan, which, I 'd have you to recol- lect, Sir, must be ranked under the same titk. Think twice before you venture on abolishing the Tartan, which my country- men have gloriously worn in time of war or in time of Trews. 84 [Februaby 19, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. TENDER Fair Little Stranger {suddenly). CONSIDERATION. 'What a clever Artist you are!" [Our Artist is bashful, and blushes in silence. Fair Little Stranger (after a long pause). "Do you mixd being called an Artist I" {Our bashful Artist blushes deeper still. TWOPENCE-HALFPENNY REWARD. Wjs live in an age of revolvers. The world began it by revolving on its axis, and now every pickpocket is armed to the teeth with Brummagem five-shooters, sold wholesale, retail, and for exportation at less than five pounds a dozen. Every shopboy is fitted up like a pirate or the captain of a press-gang, and it would probably not be safe to assume that even a pew-opener is unprovided with the fashionable weapon. This being the case; it is not surprising that the ordinary area-sneak, the prowler about unfinished houses, includes a revolver among the implements of his trade. The only persons who are astonished at this are Mr. Howabd Vincent and the Defective Police, who live in an atmos- phere of panic and ignorance. The wretched creature who shot a policeman and a postman at South Kensington is not an isolated ruffian, as the Defective Department of Scotland Yard seems to suppose, but is simply a sample of a hopeful crowd of would-be burglars, who are not to be captured, reformed, dismayed or exterminated by a reward of Twopence-Halfpenny. It may not be advisable to trust the police with firearms, so that they can return shot for shot, but it is certainly advisable to show a determination to stamp out crimes of violence. A chandler's-shop policy in Scotland Yard and at the Seldom-at-Home Office will not do this, but will encourage the thieves, in the same way as Irish crime and obstruction were lately encouraged. If well-paid officials think they owe no duty to the public in this matter, they had better say so at once, let the public take care of themselves—which they are quite capable of doing,—and not waste print and paper in offering rewards that are disgraceful and ridiculous. In tho meantime, it would be as well if they proteoted their humble instruments, the police, who are not paid to be shot down in the execution of their duties. A Westminster Hall Dialogue. (In re the abolition of the two Chiefthipe.) Friend. Hallo, old boy, what's the matter? Junior (aged sixty, still waiting his opportunity). Matter! Why a fellow has no chance now! They 've taken away the two great prizes of the Profession I []$xit Junior, moodily. A KYRLEY TALE. Air—"A NorribU Tale." Oh a curious tale I am going to tell Of the singular fortunes that befel A family which late resided In a slum by High Art much derided. They never dreamed of the Weird Intense, Though a family of undoubted sense, Till a Kyrle Man came with his lyre and lily, And drove that unfortunate household silly. He came, soft carolling "Lo! I come! My mission's the bringing of Beauty home!" And he opened the door, and he led her in, A weariful damosel pale and thin. With eyes as dusk as the veil of Isis, Like an incarnation, she seemed, of Phthisis. When in he ushered this spectral Psyche, The family's comment all round was " Crikey!" But the spell was on them, they stood and gazed Till their souls grew dim and their sight grew dazed; From the youngest child to the father burly Their views of life, straight before, grew Kyrley, The father—he was a hearthstone vendor— Strove to make Mb street-cry as subtly tender As a Chopin Nooturne, and pined to a shade, And ruined his voice, and lost his trade. The mother—she used to go out to "char "— Fell madly in love with a Japanese jar, The pot, with cold scraps, in her basket left, And was quodded for taste, which the law called theft. The eldest son—and he carried a hod— Yearned his ladder to mount with the grace of a god In Attic story, but failed and fell From the attic story, and ne'er got well. The eldest daughter—a work-girl plain— Would touzle her hair and wear gauze in the rain j Caught cold, sought cure in a peacock's feather, Anddied of High Art and the state of the weather. And the other ohildren, of whom there were nine, For Consummate Beauty did peak and pine; To the Kyrle Man's goddess they clung, and quickly, Like her, grew flabby and false and sickly. One sunflower grew in their bare back-yard, One boy—a boot-black—essayed the bard; That spidery blossom be-hymned and cherished, And, when cats killed it, he paled and perished. Beefsteak another disdained to bite, Because not " precious " nor " awfully quite "; E'en the youngest quarrelled with bread-and-butter, Because, though wholesome, it was not "utter." So man, and woman, and boy, and girl, They victims fell to that Man of Kyrle. For Beauty languid and lackadaisy Drives people crooked, and sick, and crazy. And to bring her home to the poor man's shanty, A pallid scarecrow in garments scanty, Is feckless folly foredoomed to fail,— That's the straight tip to the Kyrley tale. "Privilege." Wheu the more or less honourable Members for St. Giles's rise in their places, and take exception to news- paper abuse, we may at least ask that in and out of Par- liament they will moderate the rancour of their tongues. An Irish Member or an English Member is not a sacred being above and beyond criticism; and if in these hot- headed times a little mis-statement creeps into newspaper articles, it is encouraged by the violenoe of men whose skin appears to be too thin for the business they are engaged in. Synonym fob Mb. Speaxeh.—Mr. Silencer. To •n-fll BiUar dote not hold hiMKtf bound to acirnowUdge, return, or pas for Contribution. In no com tan thtm be rammed unlet accompanied Of • itamped and directed envelope. Oopiei •kovid be kept. February 26, 1881.] 85 PUNCH, THE LONDON CHARIVARI. JUST T'OTHER WAY! Dramatist. "I thought you might have forgotten that Review of my Com" Critic. "My dear Fellow, I'm just writing it down" Dramatist (shuddering). "Phew !—No, no! For Goodness' sake don't do that! Write it up, dear Boy !—Write it up!!" THE GOOD CITIZEN'S DIARY. January.—Send to the parochial authorities, and ask them for particulars of the rates they require for the year. Send to the Surveyor of Taxes for similar information. Take out dog licence; pay insurance, and receive dividends (if you have any to receive), less Income-tax. February.—Balance your books, and make a liberal estimate of your profits a year in advance—a date about six months after the threatened destruction of the world, so as to send in a good return to the Income-tax Commissioners. March.—Receive an assessment from the Surveyor of Taxes with Christian humility, although it puts your profits at three times the amount of your return. Tax-collectors always assume that they are dealing with a nation of liars. April.—-Pay the year in advance assessment of the Surveyor of Taxes, without appealing, and send a little conscience money to the Chancellor of the Exchequer. Do this on the First, if possible. May.—Pay second assessment of Local Rates. June.—Pay General Taxes—Inhabited House Duty, &c. Receive notice from parochial authorities as to the pavment of rates, &c. July.—Pay Fire Insurance, Water-rates, &c. Pay Poor-rates before 20th to preserve your right of voting. August.—Prepare for Autumnal assessments. September.—Communicate with parochial authorities as to increase of assess- ments under the heads of School-Board, Metropolitan Board of Works, &c. October.-—Pay increased assessments without appeal. Notember.—After paying Highway-rates, prepare to remove your own snow and mud. December.—If you have any cash left, send a little more conscience-money to the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and after that pay rent and look over your tradesmen's bills. V ia Gieton and Newnham.—The nearest approach to women wearing the ^-ahem—unmentionahles—is when a Girtonian or a Newnhamite goes in for Smalls." Our girls are getting along wonderfully. DADO! A High Art Comic. Song for the Common People, pub- lished under the auspices of the Kyrle Society. Air—" Doo-ia!" Oh, sweet adornment for a cottage wall, Dado! Dado! Oh, poverty's sure solace whatsoe'er befall, Dado! Dado Da! To dream of thee all night, To gaze on thee all day, Is the proletariat's Bupreme delight— i Dado! Dado Da! Though the floor be dirty and the walls be damp, Dado! Dado! Though thy lines be litten by no High Art lamp, Dado! Dado Da! Thy "tones," thy tricksy twirls, Will make the workman gay, His boys will polish, and refine his girls— DadoF Dado Da! When the grate is empty and the cupboard bare, Dado! Dado! When the Briton's tugging at his wife's back hair, Dado! Dado Da! How rapturous to mark Where Thy grades of green or gray, the farthing dip dispels the den's dii Dado! ira dark- Dado Da! When the penny bloater's on the breakfast board, Dado! Dado! And the weak washy coffee from the cracked jug's poured, Dado! Dado Da! To watoh the blob-eyed fish That on thee dive and play, Must add a relish to the morning dish, Dado! Dado Da! When sickness haunts the den on mud-swamp built, Dado! Dado! And the chill damp striketh through the tattered quilt, Dado! Dado Da! Thy lilies lank and wan. Each stork, each sunflower spray, Must come as cordial to the starved sick man, Dado! Dado Da! "Arrangements horizontal" in the Japanese style, Dado! Dado! And vertical vagaries that might make a Trappist smile, Dado! Dado Da! Will lend aesthetic grace To the garret grim and gray, Though there's hardly any furniture at all about the place, Dado! Dado Da! Oh, excellent invention of the " Utter" school! Dado! Dado! Philanthropy most palpably to thee is but a fool. Dado! Dado Da! Whilst sanitary sense And Science must give way To thee, oh final outcome of the Cult of the Intense— Dado! Dado Da! Limited Subscription? An advertisement lately put forth in the Times, noti- fying that the Resident Secretaryship of the Charing- Cross Hospital would shortly become vacant, inform'il those whom it might concern that "Candidates must members of the Church of England." This has been justly represented as equivalent to the intimation that "No Dissenter need apply;" but, of course, the Governors and Committee of Charing-Cross Hospital are in consistency prepared also to announce that No Dissenter need subscribe." Only perhaps they consider that announcement sufficiently implied by the other. A Fox's Sentiment.—" No Followers." JOU LXXX, 86 [Fkbruabt 26, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. INSULAR PREJUDICE. "And in France, you know, Parker, they speak French. Instead of saying ' Yes,' for instance, they say ' Wee.'" "Lor, Miss! How paltry 1" This misguided Asiatic* was" constantly making proposals to the Emperor—proposals that His Majesty repudiated with loathing, hatred, and contempt! The Emperor regrets that the late Ameer should not be now in a position to corroborate His Majesty's solemn declaration. But as Mr. Punch, is aware His Majesty's words are as good as his bonds—if not better! As to the retention of Candahar, the Emperor will be glad to discuss the matter fully with Mr. Punch, if that Gentleman will be so good as to meet His Majesty by appointment—in Siberia! [Post Mark, Constantinople.) The Sultan hastens to thank Mr. Punch for the handsome douceur which reached His Majesty at a moment when it was more than usually serviceable. Mr. Punch is quite right in believing that the Sultan is always ready to exchange a State Secret for a pecuniary- consideration. His Majesty knows a great deal about the Cabul affair—more than the Czar, the late Ameer, and even Sir Lewis Pelly himself. For the present, His Majesty would only hint that the Sultan has been offered half British India and the whole of Afghanistan in exchange for Constantinople. His Majesty is fully aware that he has only to make this known to the Government of Her Britannic Majesty to receive compensation for the very consider- able monetary loss his indignant refusal entailed upon the Imperial exchequer. His Majesty nas already mentioned the matter to Mr. Goschen fa singularly agreeable person), who has kindly pro- mised to see what can be done for him. The Sultan, in conclusion, would point out that he is in posses- sion of a vast number of diplomatic secrets nearly affecting the reputation of every Crowned Head and Prime Minister in Europe. His Majesty has also in his collection several deeply interesting stones about the Emperor of Brazil, the Mikado of Japan, and General Grant of the United States Army. In justice to himself, however, the Sultan has been forced to adopt as his Imperial motto, "No more pay—no more startling disclosures!" MORE CANDOUR ABOUT CANDAHAR. The following replies have been received at 85, Fleet ^Street, in answer to some letters:— (Post Mark—Bis-tnark—Berlin.) Of course I will tell you all I know about it! Sir Lewis Pelly shall not give vie a lesson in frankness! As you are aware, I always play with my cards on the table, and am incapable of deceit! You ask. Can I give any information about the Russian negotia- tions with Shere Ali, and what do I think about the retention of Candahar? Beati possidentes as regards the last! Must have my joke, you know—no offence? As to the first part of your question, I got the whole story out of my friend and colleague, the Russian Chancellor, who made me roar over it! It was such a capital anec- dote that I could not help retailing it to that arch -farceur, Beacons- field, who declared it was the best thing he had neard in his life! I told him the story from beginning to end one evening at Berlin, as we sat listening to the nightingales under the linden! Your face- tious compatriot suggested that the narrative was incomplete with- out a sequel. He said he would add the sequel himself—and did! Now you know all about it! yourg affectionately, The Busy B. '{Post Mark, St. Petersburg.) The Emperor presents his most gracious compliments to Mr. Punch, and has the greatest possible pleasure in explaining the misapprehension that seems to have arisen about Cabul. His Majesty has been more than annoyed at the malicious spreading of so many false reports. Shere Ali (who, His Majesty regrets to say, forged all the documents recently published), spent the whole of his life in attempting to create ill-feeling between England and Russia. A NEW DICTIONARY OF QUOTATIONS. On a Pork Pie— "I arise from dreams of thee in the first sweet sleep of night." Shelley. For an Invalid— "Be thou chaste as ice and pure as snow thou shalt not escape calomel." Shaksfeare. On an Actor— "His soul was like a star, and dwelt apart."—Wordsworth. For a Greedy Boy, after visiting a Confectioner's— "In such a moment I but ask that you '11 remember me."—Bvnn. On Burlesque Dramas, at the Gaiety— "Not harsh and crabWd, as dull fools suppose, But musical as is Apollo's lute."—Hilton. A PRIOR CLAIM. "ThoughIMt. Prior," says a contemporary, commenting on that gentleman's appointment to a vacant Inspectorship of Factories, has received a sound elementary education, yet, as he has not mastered those higher sciences in which Factory Inspectors have to pass, application has been made to the Privy Council for an order to dispense with certain portions of the customary examination." Why? If an acquaintance with the "higher sciences" is essential to a proper discharge of the duties of a Factory Inspector, why appoint Mr. Prior to the post without it? In these competitive days everybody is examined, and some standards of merit must be fixed; and if fixed, adhered to. To insist that the Beadle in the Burlington Arcade must be prepared to "take up" "deportment, dancing, single-stick, rhetoric, and a familiarity with the minor poets," and then to dispense with a good half of these accomplishments, is at once to open a broad question. Possibly, familiarity with minor, or even major poets, may be no more necessary to an Arcade Beadle than the higher sciences" are to a Factory Inspector. But if this be the case, why insist on either? Anyhow, if the Privy Council mean to "dispense" any- body, they had better turn the matter over. The claim of Mr. Prior may be a reasonable one, but a precedent once set on foot for its extension, the Privy Council may confidently look to a lively time of it. scarcely appropriate. A Leader in the leading journal expressed his opinion that "Ob- struction is scotched, not killed." "Scotched!"—very Irish this. TnE New Rules.—" The bearings o'these obserwations lays in the application on 'em."—Commander Bunsby-Gladstone. February 26, 1881.] 87 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. Monday Night, Feb. U.—Had a chat this evening with Mr. Bigoar, in whom I find fresh resemblance to some of our great men. I am told that upon closer acquaintance it has been discovered that Richard the Third was quite a mild and placable personage, and that Oliver Cromwell was not nearly so black as he has been painted in Ireland and elsewhere. Similarly, upon closer acquaintance, I find Mr. Biggar genial, affable, and well-informed. At first a little misunderstanding arose owing to my ignorance of foreign languages. I was standing in the Lobby, wondering what Sir Charles Iorster was looking for, when Mr. Bigoar passing me, with a friendly smile, said, Voot alley beeang f" "Sir," I said, with what I flattered myself was a manner cal- culated to take an Irish Member down, "I shall submit the question to the Speaker whether it is Parliamentary, even in the Lobby, to address to another Hon. Member such a remark. When a dog has lived so long without acquiring a bad name, you may as well not hang him." But it was all a mistake. Mr. Biggar explained it with great clearness. It was French, and meant, "You re pretty well, aren't you?" I asked Mr. Bigoar not to talk in foreign languages any more, I being wholly ignorant of them, and he said he would not. It appears he has been to Paris, whence this fluency. He told me a good deal about the city, how the Tooleyrees are still in ruins; how they call the streets Booleyvards, and how at least one is nearly as wide aa Sackville Street; how the shops are open on Sundays, and the churches every day; how nice-looking girls go about their busi- ness in black dresses and no bonnets; how some of the cabmen wear white-glazed hats, and none are able to understand French. In fact, this last was a peculiarity which seems to have struck Mr. K \N ^ ieu, qu'il est bete! (Aloud.) Mais attendez. I 'ave 'aa zis 'orse for tree monts in my starble, 'ave ridden him frekently, and never found 'im faulty. (Aside.) ,l Pour acheter ou louer un cheval." Ou trourerai-je des questions politiques? Parnell (aside). The sooner I am out of this the better. (Aloud.) Sir, you there! Avey voo lay sonartes der Beethoven pour piano, avec accompanemong der violong etderflute ? (Aside.) Begorra! that s a "dialogue with a Musician. Rochefort. Take ze first street to ze left that vill bring you into ze square crossover. (Aside.) "Pour demanderson chemindansune ville." Quellivre! Parnell. Mercy, bookoo. Ould Ireland for ever! Bong jour, Mossewer.' Rochefort. Je suis tout a fait de voW avis, moi. Monsieur, au plaisir! [Exeunt severally, the one to blow'jtp O'Kelly for not being ready with some correct French phrases; the other to evolve from his inner consciousness an account of the political discussion betwixt himself ai*d Mr. Pabneix, and to pen those libellous words, "Mr. Parnell can read, write, and understand French, but cannot speak it." As Item of Abut Reform.—New Regiment to be called the R.A.'s, or Royal Artfuls, to be composed entirely of " Old Soldiers." THE LAW COURTS' CLOCK. The First Commissioner of Works promises a new time-piece for the New Law Courts—not " vun as has no vurks in it," like Mr. Weller's piano, but one that will be really useful, supplied with works from the First Commissioners' own office. It is to be in its place in that vague time known as " The course of the year." Name the exact date, Mr. Shaw Lefevre, and tell us the exact time. In the meanwhile we present the public with the tune— "A good time coming, Boys!" There's a good Time-piece coming, Boys, A good Time-piece coming, With hands, and wheels, and lever, From Mr. Shaw Lefevre, This Time-piece coming! Other clocks may chime ding-dong, This will chimo ding-donger, Such a clock you all will see— Wait a little longer! Yes (spoken); and when it has come, let us hope it will go. The sooner the present dummy goes the better. And when it is up, then, as some one says in the old melodrama of One o' Clock; or, The Wood Demon :— "The clock shall strike, and you shall hear it." And when you do hear it, you can join in chorus. Chorus. There's a good Time-piece going, Boys, A good Time-piece going; It's suited to the place, We can clearly see the face Of a Time-piece going; And its works are very strong— Nothing could be stronger (Suddenly interrupted by the First Commissioner.) First Commissioner (solo)— Time is not yet up—s'cuse me— Wait a little longer! "CAUGHT IN THE 'ACT.'" "Mr. MtNDELLA said that 'Colorado Beetles were in his department."' ] How doth the little busy bee- tle Devon's fields infest, But longer he Bhall not be free— Here goes for his arrest. just A3 it should be. At a recent meeting on a question of Army dress— the changing of tartanB in Highland regiments—the chair was appropriately taken by the Macintosh of Mac- intosh. This whiskey-and-waterproof chieftain must be the very man to provide against a rainy day. 9J [February 26 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAPJVAKI. A NARROW ESCAPE. (Todeson very nearly becomes a Conservative again.) The Dacliess (suddenly recognising T.) "Oh, how d'y'do? I'm so olad to meet you, Mb.—Mister—a" Todeson (hastily dropping Mrs. Crumps, wife of the Radical Member for Spitalficlds). "On, Duchess! How kind of your Grace to say go!' The Duchess. 'A—I can't ske my Footman anywhere. Will you be so good as to find out if the Carriage has come?" [Exit poor T. in search of the Ducal conveyance. THE BOYS' OWN HISTORY. a thbue chain of iytnts. {Revised by The O'lfacaulay.) The crisis came at last. Vindictive as had been the mood in which the majority had left the House, the mood in which they returned to it was more vindictive still. The debate had. only reached its seven- teenth night. But the Government in the meantime had not been idle. Davitt was on the rack at Portland. Pabnell had been sent to the Tower in thumb-screws, and shown, with the crown jewels, on the payment of an extra sixpence. Labouchere was hiding among the figures at Madame Tussaud's. Cowen had had to consult a solicitor. Nor was this all. Biggar had been detected after dusk letting out the carnivorous animals from the Regent's Park collection with a false key. Twenty-seven were met, the next morning, by a policeman in Soho Square, and brought before the presiding magis- trate at Marlborough Street. The excitement in court was tremen- dous. Biggab. was warned, and fined a shilling. The news spread like wildfire. At four that afternoon, as the Speaker was about to leave his dressing-room, an intruder, hysterical and covered with mud, burst, without knocking, into his presence. It was Gossett. The tale was soon told. In another minute, both the great officials were shaking each other's hands in silence, and had fallen, weeping like children, upon each other's necks. But the House was waiting. Brand was a man of some parts, had taken lessons in deportment, and forty years ago had been known on the pier at Margate for his knowledge of punctilio. To-night he mounted the step leading to his chair with a Turkish towel in his waistcoat pocket, a hair-brush in each hand, and his wig reversed. The House was in no mood for satire. Smarting from former sleeplessness, drunk with recent triumph, burning with implacable resentment, confident of irresistible strength, it rose, as one man, to its feet, and roared. The Speaker was equal to the occasion. He "named" the whole House. Nobody heeded him. There were some feeble cries raised for "Gossett." But it was whispered in the lobbies that Gossett was already in a four-wheeled cab, well on his way to Wapping. Men who remembered the first French Revo- lution shook their heads. Those who did not, looked out of window. But all were unanimous on one point. It was clear that the Executive was coming to the end of its tether. And a remarkable circumstance had led to this. It had long been known to the Prime Minister that the Duke of York's Column had been mined, and was but waiting the signal that was to witness its swift and complete destruction. The plot was diabolical, but com- prehensive. An accident revealed it. A member of the Beefsteak Club found a fifty-ton dynamite revolving detonator, fully wound up and in motion, in the umbrella-stand of the establishment. He had just paid his subscription, and had come to dine. He did not hesitate what to do. He sent the infernal machine, by a messenger, to Downing Street. The parcel arrived in the middle of a Cabinet Council. It was hurriedly dispatched, with a bag of buns, to the water-fowl in the neighbouring Park. But the Ministry clearly saw that the outrage had given them an opening. And they determined to take it. That night Habcourt was smuggled, with an empty marmalade pot, a pair of scissors, and a jug of hot water, into the General Post-Oftice. The success which crowned this manoeuvre was not less marked than the daring that originated it. Harcoubt was a known lam- poonist. His love of frolic was immoderate. He came down to the House shaking with laughter and covered with gum, and was seen whispering earnestly to Mr. Speaker. Before half-an-hour had gassed, two-and-forty Irish Members, together with Gossett, who ad been captured in Thames Street, were removed in a furniture- van to Newgate. And this was the beginning of the end. THE LONG AND THE SHORT OF IT. General Bombutte* Fusbos ... Mb. Ch-ld-bs. Artaxominons . . . Johx Bill. The CoMMANDEB-itr-CnrKF. j , ,„, { (**•**«•){ . SHORT" OR 'LONG SERVICE' IS TO US THE SAME! "—Bombwttss fttrtoso. So. 1. Ok.*™ vr. ) ,. J "IN SHORT, SO LONG AS WE YOUR FAVOUR CLAIM, February 26, 1881.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 93 "MASKS AND FACES." A Piece more perfectly placed on the Stage than Messrs. Tom Tati.or and Charles Keade's Mask* and Faces at the Hayinarket it would be difficult to imagine. It is, we venture to say, perfect down to the slightest detail, and each character, however small, acquires in the present revival an importance that years ago it would have been impossible to obtain. The costumes have been most artistically designed by the Hon. Lewis Wingfiet.d. The outline of the story is this:—Mr. Ernest Vane— a very weather- cocky young man from the country, where he has left his wife, Mabel, comes to Town, and, meeting the fascinating Actress, Peg IVofhngton, im- mediately, that is, from1'1 When first he saw sweet Peggy" —falls over head like that of the House of Commons, not a quarter large enough for its visitors. In Triplet the poor Author, Mr. Bancroft, gives us a touching portrait of a broken-down Gentleman of education—a Jack-of-all- trades, yet never master of one—who, by force of circumstances, A Vane Arrt'AL to A Speaking LiivF.ne.-s. and ears in love with her, and she with him. Poor Mabel, charmingly played by Miss Marion Terky, arrives unexpectedly, learns the true state of affairs and interviews In. Woffingtpn. imploring the Actress to give up her husband—as if he were a riddle, which he isn't a bit. Peg is deeply touched by the wife's pleading, and decides to restore to its lawful owner the property which she cannot legally keep. Not without a struggle, she rightly concludes that Ernest fane's heart is net worth keeping; and perhaps she is so certain of her hold over him, that— "She knows when she likes she can whistle him back," as, having once had the smallest taste in life of the pleasures of the town, he will probably soon weary of provincial monotony. How- ever this may be, Mistress Margaret Woffingtondismisses him, embraces Mabel as a sister, and comforting herself with the reflection that there's very little valuable ore in that Vane, renounces him for ever, and sobbing as if her heart would break, rests her aching head on her poor friend Triplet's shoulder. Mrs. Bancroft, as the Peg on which the whole plot hangs, is charming in her double character of actress and true woman. Through the artificial airs of the accomplished comedienne she has to allow her good woman's heart to show itself, and when she would give much to yield to her best impulses, she has to disguise them and assume the mask of Comedy. The best instance of this is in the Second Act, where she foils Sir Charles Pomander's design by her own ready wit. The piece is full of real comedy situations, but the best of all are, to our thinking, her scenes with Triplet and with the Triplet Family, none of which can be seen by anyone who is not ashamed of a silent tear trickling down the side of his nose, without that uncertain sort of qui- vering sensation in the throat and eyelids which, in sensitive natures like our own, results in a very evi- dent application of the pocket - handkerchief to the nasal organ, under cover of which movement we, like the soldier who "leant upon his sword" — "wiped away a tear" —intact, several tears, which annoyingly followed each other, tickling and trickling down our furrowed cheeks. At aU these scenes in Masks and Faces, you are, we mean tee were, either crying or laughing, or doing both together, and were delighted when, at the end of the Act, we were led away by a friend to the enjoyment of coffee and a cigarette in the smoking-room, which, we may take this opportunity of stating, is and the Old Colley. has como to be a literary hack, writing comedies in a garret, while his children are about him crying for bread, and Ms wife is a helpless invalid. "We have given honesty every chance," he cries, in despair. "No, Jakes," replies his wife, "not yet—not till we have died as we have lived." Then comes in the merry lady, Peg, and the little black page with a pie, and the children are fed, and the wife is comforted, and there is sunlight in the house, and we are warmed by that touch of nature which makes the whole world kin, and wmieh in this scene alone would secure Messrs. Reade and Taylor's comedy to the Stage for any time to come. Triplet, as represented by Mr. Bancroft, and as drawn by the Authors, reminds us forcibly of Newman Noggs in Nicholas Nickleby. "I was a gentleman once,'f says poor Noggs; and Triplet, in taking leave of Mabel Vane, hopes that "throughout the interview he has behaved as a gentleman." Space will not permit of further details. The performance all round is as good as it can be. Mr. Conway as Tomandci; Mr. Smedley as Colander, the exquisite Sir Charles, and the imitation exquisite gentleman's gentleman ; and, finally, the admirable miniature portrait of Colley Cibber given us by Mr. Arthur Cecil. What a marvellous old beau! Taking The Running Footman (to go with the Run of the Piece), and the Happy Valet, oe Cool-hander. A Peg-topper! on Meo's Diversions. for granted that our neighbour in the stalls knew all about Ctbbe^ we whispered to him, " Isn't ARTnuB Ckctl wonderfulas Colley? Whereupon our intelligent friend replied, "What;, that old idiot Colley f Then I don't wonder there's such a mess m the Iransyaal. We have not yet seen Mr. Cecil as Tripkt and consequently, as they alternate the parts, we have not seen Mr. Bancroft as Colley Cibber. This necessitates another visit to the Haymarket, to which we look forward with considerable interest. It To all "Dear Boys" Who remember the days of old at Evans's, consule "V^v?-" has come to our knowledge that a daughter of our good old rriend is, through no fault of hers, in absolute want. lerb. mp._Pu>- scriptions will be gladly received here, addressed to the Lditor, Punch Office. 94 [February 26, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MODERN DINNERS. The new arrangement of din- ners is excellent. First, soup, re- commended by Sir Henry Thomp- son as a sort of prelude which "soothes the savage breast," and, like the culture of the fine arts, "softens the manners, and does not allow us to be any longer ferocious " — then, next course, Fish; and then, without any inter- mediate flirtation with entrees, comes the piece de resistance, the Joint. It comes exactly when it is most wanted. The hungry man has not frittered away a good appetite on "kickshaws," and is ready to tackle his beef or mutton with a will. Then follows a tiny kickshaw, if you will; a separate course of vegetables, certainly; then a bird with a salad. Cheese to finish. Sweets superfluous. One thing more, — let the "Menu" be the "Bill of fare." and let everything that can be in English be in English. So go it, ye Gourmets! As it Ought to Be. Last week, Mr. Dronsfield, Mill-owner, at Oldham was charged with "employing a number of women after legal hours," but as he had personally taken every precaution to prevent any in- fringement of the law, his Man- ager, the real culprit in this in- stance, was, by a provision of this Act, substituted as defendant and fined 50s. and costs. The right man in the right place for once; and the Factory Act is so far, at all events, a Satis-factory Act. PUNCH'S FANCY PORTRAITS.-NO. 20 CURIOSITIES. The Athenceum informs us that the concluding part of Dr. In- gleby's Shakespeare: the Man and the Book, will contain an essay on " The Tongue of Shak- speare." Odd subject to choose, but then we notice that the author is a Doctor. The same journal also announces that "Prof. Ledoek will deliver next week the first four of a series of recapi- tulatory lectures upon the solar system at the Urcsham College." Does "the solar system at the Gresham College" differ from the solar system elsewhere? If it is a better one, why shouldn't it be universally adopted? "Refreshers." Dear Mr. Clabon,— The In- corporated Law Society wants to abolish "Refreshers/' What, Sir! if you are virtuous, are there to be no more cakes and ale? Isn't the very raison d'etre of a Uar a constant supply of Refresh- ment? Nomanobjectsto" Corrupt Practices" more than I do; but if I can stand these corrupt theories, dash the legal wig of yours truly, Henry J amis. CAPTAIN GOSSETT. The Sergkant-at-Aums representing "Superior Force. Telephonic. — The Burglar's objection to telephonic communi- cation between private houses and the nearest police-station is that "The Telephone will tell of one." But they needn't be in the least alarmed, as a Paternal Govern- ment, by heavily taxing inventive genius in this direction, thought- j fully protects its worst children, j the Burglars. A RUM STORY. "Nothing like leather!" Pannuscorium? No. You cannot get out of Pannuscorium what you can get out of leather—shoe-leather; old shoe-leather. By some of the latest accounts from America, there is, among certain 'Curious Industries in New York," a particular industry pursued in the collection and utilisation of old shoes, especially those found lying cast about the streets in New York and Brooklyn. Some of those old shoes are patched, if needful, and if needful also, matched. Of some old pairs one partner only is worn out; that pair is divorced, and the shoe that still has wear in it assorted with another similar old shoe, paired and repaired both, in case they want mending. The odd old shoe unfit for matching is cut up for patching, and some residual old shoes are applied to a purpose to which you can't apply Pannuscorium. The matchable and patch- able having been patched and matched— "Next, the shoes not worth patching are cut into pieces: the good bits are used for patching other shoes, and the worthless bits are converted into Jamaica rum by a process known only to the manufacturers. It is said they are boiled in pure spirit, and allowed to stand for a few weeks, and that the product far surpasses Jamaica rum made in the ordinary way." The footings for a superior Jamaica rum thus furnished by effete old shoes must at any rate contribute to the constitution of a rum spirit. This can hardly however be said to be a compound of spirit and sole, as it is apparently prepared from the "upper leathers." Sherry Cobbler has long been celebrated as an American drink, but who has hitherto ever heard of Old Shoe Rum? The proof of the rum is of course in the drinking; and rum consisting of proof spirit flavoured with old shoes may be delicious, but one would think that even a Professor Porson would hardly drink it if he knew it, although the Professor did once drink the contents of a naphtha- n?f? sEmt-can> not knowing it, but taking it for whiskey. The Temperance League the other day interviewed Lord North- brook with a view to ameliorate the lot of our sailors by procuring the stoppage of their pittance of grog. In the endeavour to wean Jack Tars from grog, the Admiralty might perhaps hope to succeed by issuing grog-rations composed of American Ola Shoe Rum. Only, if " that product" really "far surpasses Jamaica rum made in the ordinary way," few seamen would be likely to be deterred from drinking it by being told the manner of its production. The gene- ralitv of sailors would too probably recommend their informant to "tell that to the Marines," and would go on drinking the so-called Old Shoe Rum, as the saying is, "like Old Boots." MR. SPEAKER'S VERY OWN. Being positively the last Instalment of the new Supplementary Rules. Proceedings op Mr. Speaker in Private Committee. 1. That, on all previously devised methods of giving effect to a declaration of "urgency" failing, it shall be competent for Mr. Speaker to arrive early at the House, close the doors in the face of all the Members, and, sending the Mace to Mr. Attenborough's, order the Sergeant-at-Arms to supply him with such refreshment as he may require for the evening, through one of the ventilators. Suspension op Constitution without Consideration. 2. That the legality of the above proceedings being questioned by a majority of not less than nine-tenths of both Houses, assem- bled for the purpose in the adjoining lobbies, he shall forthwith invest himself with the Garter, place the Sergeant-at-Arms upon the retired list, suspend the Constitution, and, announcing this delicately through the keyhole, get out of a back window quietly with his Chair, and repair to Scotland Yard. Progress of the Chair. 3. That, on a Motion still being made that "Mr. SrEAKER do now leave the Chair," he decline to do so; but that again reinvesting himself formally with all deliberative, legislative, and executive functions, he shall avail himself of such Parliamentary trains as he think fit, and travel about with the Constitution in his pocket, reporting his own progress, till further notice. February 26, 1881.] 95 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI A TESTAMENTARY DISPOSITION. Pater. "Now, my Boy, I 've been making my Will, and I 've left a very large Property in Trust for you. I merely wish to ask you if you 've any Suggestion to offer?" Son. "Well, I don't know that I have, Sir—unless—hum"—(Ponders.)—"Quesu'n is-as Things go nowadays, wouldn't IT BE BETTER TO LEAVE THE PROPERTY TO THE OTHER F'LLAK, AND—AH—'PPOIXT ME THE TRUSTEE?!!" THE CHANT OF THE CHAPERON. I am old, and I 'm bound to confess that I 'm grey. And the talk of the ball-room'seems vapid and thin; Yes, I queen'd it myself, but I 've long had my day, And I watch how the debutantes gaily begin. As I sit by the side of the ball-room, I see Who is likely to win in the warfare of life; All the moves on the board are made—careless of me, And I watch the fair combatants arm for the strife. Here's a face that should ever be covered with smiles, But how jealously darkens that brow with a frown; There I recognise those too professional wiles, That have made yonder Beauty the talk of the Town. Here's the catch of the season—a gallant young Duke, Who has just come of age, and has thousands a year; How they angle for notice, with none to rebuke, Till the first flush of morning begins to appear. And it seems to me now that the girls of to-day Are far faster than those that I laughed with of old; There is more calculation—will this or that pay? And more mad is the rush both for titles and. gold. While the forms that I see at the concert and ball Are as fair as the lady who rose from the foam. They seem made, to my thinking, without hearts at all. There's my charge Yes, my dear, I'm quite ready for home. MORE MUD AND LESS WATER. There is compensation in all things. A river has disappeared in Derbyshire, but a bog has again made its appearance in the Strand. The mud is a foot deep on the roads and pavements. Will some King kindly come over and go to the City P CONSOLIDATION. The Incorporated Law Society, in its recent address to the House, says:— "That your petitioners regard with satisfaction a proposal which is now under discussion in Parliament to abolish the offices of the Lord Chief Justice of the Common Pleas and the Lord Chief Baron of the Exchequer. "Your petitioners desire to express their opinion in favour of the abolition of the offices referred to, tending as it does to consolidate the various Divisions on the Common Law side of the High Court of Justice into one Division, thereby placing the whole under one Presidency, which your petitioners consider to be in conformity with the object and intention of the Legislature on passing the Judicature Acts." Excellent notion! But why "consolidate" in only one depart- ment? Why not "consolidate" eveywhere? Let us go on con- solidating." Instead of any number of Judges—roll 'em all into one. Instead of hundreds of Barristers, let there be only one Barrister. Let the entire Army he "consolidated" in one soldier: and the same for the Navy. The Police Force could be consolidated into one Policeman, and the Criminal Classes be consolidated into one Burglar. Then let 'em fight it out. The Consolidated Burglar would—if captured—be tried before a Consolidated Judge, prosecuted and defended by a Consolidated Counsel, found guilty bv a Consolidated Juryman, and the sentence of transportation for life could be consolidated into hanging. Only—if the burglar wasn't captured? Perhaps the Incorporated Law Society will suggest a remedy for this difficulty. NOVEL APPLICATION. Instead of "Treason-felony." the name for the Irish species of this crime against the state will, under theCoercion Acts, be called "Biggar-my." 93 [February 26, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. AN ANTIDOTE. "Who 's that Fellow talking to Aunt Julia, and giving himself such awful alrs?" "Oh, Jack! Why it 's Mr. Postlethwaite! He 's me greatest l'oet that ever lived!" "Who told you so?" "A gentleman called Maudle." "Well, even if he is, that 's no reason nE should give himself airs! Look at Rundell, now ije don't give himself aiks, and he's tub captain of ovr flfteby 1" PARNELLITES IN PARIS—PERSONALLY CONDUCTED. {Leaves from a Home-Ruler's Diary.) Saturday.—-Gave the thirty-five detectives the slip at the Calais buffet Have good reason to suppose they are now diligently track- ing a party of antiquaries to excavations under Thermopylae pass. No public reception at Nord Station—given Egan instructions to prevent any; hut created some little effect by knocking our hats in, and pulling our coat-tails off, and explaining that that was the con- dition in which Irishmen invariably escaped from the House of Commons. Great bore—O'Kelly 's the only one speaks French: put us down professionally in hotel-books as "agitateurs;" and they made us pay in advance for table d'hote. Discussed invest- ments in evening, and almost decided upon starting a cafe chantant. Biggak says he has a good voice. Sunday.—Not nearly such a hospitable city for democrats errant as we thought. Asked to make it convenient to leave hotel: O'Kelly been telling the waiters that we wished to abolish all land- lords. Landlord of hotel sent in our bill at once, and said he didn't want to be abolished. Explained that we didn't mean hotel landlords, and paid him something on account. Landlord only half satisfied. Hang landlords! Got Dillon to take a two franc fifty French lesson: O'K. not being by any means 0. K. as a translator. Breakfasted with Louise Michel. Afraid we can't introduce her to the Misses Parnell. Founded a couple of Branches at Belleville in the after- noon, and dined with Citizen Trinquet at the marehand de tin at the corner of the Rue Traversiere. Toasts red and wine blue. Biggar would go to Bullier. Morulay.—Biggar stiff: says rheumatism; suspected to have been dancing the Cancan! Breakfast with Rochefort, and founded a Branch at Montmartre. Rather disappointed to find League generaUy looked upon as a kind.of humorous freemasonry. Refused invitation to dinner with reactionary Gaitdetta, and had quiet chop, coming to forty-four francs a-head at Cafe Anglais. Sugges- tion that it should henceforth be culled Le Cafe Irlandais. Nobody seems to see it. Dillon disappeared: have reason to suspect Folies- Bergeres. Decided to invest funds in a comic Intransigeant. Tuesday.—Called on Grf,vy. Not at home. Left card. CaU again on return. Breakfasted with staff of La Guillotine en Per- manence ; charming fellows, but garlic rather prominent, and blouses and sabots a trifle startling at first. Didn't teU 'em I 'd called on Grevy. Wednesday—OR to dine with Hugo. * * * * Capital dinner. Beginning to talk fresh—I mean French like native—First-rate chap, Hugo. He knows whiskey when he tastes it. Hoorush! . . . . Bed. N"ext Day.—Headache. Hugo's headache. Land Leaguers sent to say they don't subscribe for us to be enjoying ourselves in Paris. Off by next train. Jolly time of it. THE MANIFESTO OF VICTOR CTHUGO. The illustrious Poet having found it necessary, owing to Mr. Parnell's ,imperfect command of French, to take some notes as a guide to him in his forthcoming composition, "L' Oppresseur et L' Opprime," has coUected the following to start with :— _ Boycotte.—Premier Roi d'Irlande tue a la bataille d'Astings. La Valuation de Griffiths.—(Espeee de torture, en usage par Charles the First, George the 1 ourth, Sir Brand, et Mister- Speaker), phrase de Shakspeare. Le Habeas- Corpus.—Nom de plume de le Lor Maire. Biggar.—President du 'Ouse (nn Monstre). Rackrenting (Jcu National) .—La Crickette Irlandaise. 'Ome-Rule.—Fantaisie de Gladstone, approuve par le Prince de Galles et "the Members of the Royal Society." Gossett.—Nom du Dragon tue par St. George. "Ear! 'ear! "—Cri des Fenians(supprime par le Magna-Charta). Black Bod.—Connetable do la Tour de Londres. (Amie de Due de Cambrigge, et Chevalier du Land-League.) "Report Progress."—Bon mot politique du Lord ChanceUor; et Coercion BilL—UesmQ supports par M. Parnell et 58,000,000 de ses Compatriotes. The following sketch of the Poet's forthcoming manifesto, written in a curiously unsteady hand, was found near the Avenue d'Eylau the morning after the dinner given to Messieurs les Home-Rulers:— Yes, I pronounce with all my heart for Ireland! I welcome with all my strength every invitation that reaches me to tread the tail of a coat! Man must perform his mission! It is the mission of man to tread the tail of a coat! It is grand—possible—" intirely illi- gant!" In the name of France I welcome Ireland! The Absinthe of Gaul embraces the " Vhiski Toddi" of Erin! They fraternise, they revel, they mix! What the Shillelagh of the Patriot has com- menced, the Pen of the Poet shall finish! Yes, I have dined weU, very well, gloriously weU! I have drunk many "grogs," danced many '' j igues,'' learned many Irish words! And what is my duty? My duty is to denounce England! I do denounce England! I swear that the descendants of the Anglo-Normans shaU be crushed, shall be ruined—in a word—shall bo "bothered intirely!" I register a vow! When a vow is registered it is sacred. Not only sacred! It is also registered! Where am I? "Bedad!" (" Soyez Pere!"—e'est tin idiome Lrlandais.) The language of the Celt is grand, solemn, unique! "Bedad!" Also, "be aisy!" Likewise, "look there now!" A time comes for all things! A time has now come for further refreshment! D * * » » * * "Vhiski Toddi" grand! Magnifique! Pyramidal! Vivent les Home-Rulers! Vive le potheen! Vieent VOppresseur et VOpprime! Non—c'n'est pas qa. Je me sens tm pen opprime —moi qui parle. Je vais me coucher. Hurroo! Le tire-bottts otc est-ilf Les miserables—apropos de bottes—ha! ha! Hurroo! Ould Oireland for ever! Je me couche chausse. DELICACIES OF THE SEASON. Tlw Armed Burglar's Menu.—An entree (burglarious), and a piece de resistance (six-shooter). State of Affatrs in the Transvaal.—Melan-CoLLEY. $f To Co»EHrosD«HTs.—The Editor ioet not hold himtelf bound (o acktumlcdge, return, or pay far ContrUndiont. itampcd and directed envelope. Copitt should be kept. lit no case can thete bt returned unku accompanied 6» • March 5, 1881.] 97 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE "BUSY B" AT THE GAIETY. It is the fashion with some learned Critics of the present day to deplore the absence of true Comedy from the modern stage, and to recommend to our present Dramatic Authors the study of the fine old crusted Comedies, which, like good port, ought to be all the better for keeping—if not kept too long. Miss Litton, inspired by a happy thought, has undertaken to put a series of these venerable and highly estimated compositions before our eyes, and has chosen as her theatre the temple where the sacred fire of burlesque is constantly kept burning by night, while the afternoon is consecrated by our fair High Priestess to keeping alive the dying embers of the "Light of Other Days,"—or the Light Comedy of other days,—and fanning them —without any puffing^—into a flame. Miss Litton and Mr. John Hollingshead have given the playgoing public, critics, and drama- tists the opportunity of seeing what had Deen so much talked of, so little studied, and so highly praised. Their efforts have been, we trust, crowned with success. Playgoers and players, some critics, and most authors will thank her for the revelation—specially those authors who, in this degenerate age, have been bold enough to describe their comedies as comedies, and their comedies in which the farcical element has predominated, as "farcical comedies." Let us take Susannah Centlivee's "Comedy," The Busybody, capitally played at the Gaiety. Had it been the work of a modern dramatist, the characters would had been pronounced " impossible," the plot and situations "outrageously farcical,"and the "business," as' savouring more of pantomime and the hot poker than of true comedy." Much of the dialogue might have been described as "sparkling," and much more as tedious; while the occasional breaking into blank verse and rhyming couplets would have appeared more in place in an eccentric entertainment of the Pinafore pattern, or in a burlesque. The scene with the dumb lady—admirably performed by Miss LrrTON, Mr. Ktele Bellew (not of the Kyrle Society), and Mr. Howe—is utterly farcical. The Fourth Act, where the lover secretes himself first in the chimney, then behind a door, then behind a screen, might have been legitimate in such a piece of modern tom- foolery as Betsy, but would have been condemned as a blot on any play of the present time presuming to style itself a Comedy. The perpetual whackings bestowed on Marplot (Mr. Brough) by the various characters, "have anticipated, some critics would have said, "the pantomime season; the old men are mere Pantaloons, one of the lovers a Harlequin who jumps through a window, and Marplot himself simply a Clown, without the sausages and the butter- slide." But because all this occurs in an "old comedy," it is admir- ingly described as "bustling." Farcical improbability in old comedy is " easily condoned," but in a comedv de nos jours it is unpar- donable. The construction would have been justly blamed as faulty, as, owing to certain omissions which curtail the time of representation but confuse the action, the last Act of this version Exercise with a Dumb Belle. seems rather the commencement of a new play than the finish of the so-called Comedy. Dramatic Authors have reason to be grateful to Miss Litton, and may continue with a safe conscience to style such of their works as have as much hiding and "practical business" as this Bust/body "Comedies," though probably any one of the fraternity would have honestly qualified such a piece as "farcical." The French include all laughable pieces, except bouffies, under the head of ComSdie. As there are Comedians and Low Comedians and Eccentric Comedians, so are there various species of the genus Comedy which cannot be classed under either farce or burlesque. The Busybody is well worth a visit. With the exception of Sir George Airy, none of the characters, male or female, are supposed to belong to the high society in which Lord Ogleby or Sir Peter Teazle moved. Sir Francis Gripe (Mr. Howe)'is an old " hunks" of a moneylender; Sir Jealous Traffick apparently "something in the City,' vaguely interested in some Spanish commerce—onions, perhaps; Marplot is, according to Mr. Brough's view, a kind of Tony Lumpkin: and Miranda a ready-witted, artful young woman, who gives very little evidence of a polite education. The great merit of Miss Litton's performance is that she lets us see at once how natural gifts shine through her defective training, and what a genuinely good wife she might become in the hands of a good man, though her future career as my Lady Airy is doubtful. No better representative of Sir George Airy could have been found than Mr. Kyhle Bellew, both as to appearance and acting; his only fault being too much real earnestness for such a butterfly gallant. Mr. Howe is very good as Sir Francis Gripe; Mr. Everitt quite bilious and snarly enough for Sir Jealous Traffick, though what may be his position in life it is difficult to determine What they do in a "bustling' "Pantomimical,' old Comedy, of course. Not at all from his manner, dress, or style of residence, of which the exterior resembles a barn converted into a dwelling-place, and the interior, to our intense surprise, a veritable mansion. However, one must never judge by exteriors, and this is a case in point. Mrs. Inchbald, in her preface to The Busybody, informs us that "this comedy, which has survived one hundred years, was, by the Actors who performed it, expected to die on the first night." Again Modern Dramatists have much to be thankful for. She adds, that "Marplot is the sole support of this comedy;" which is not the case with the present version, in which Marplot is a droll but cer- tainly not a strong part. The performance pleasantly occupies two hours—from three to five. We trust the series will not be discon- tinued. She Would and She Would Not has been announced—but perhaps " she would not," and so it has been deferred sine die. THE ROYAL MARRIAGE AT BERLIN. To the Editor. Prince Frederick William Victor Albert, boss Of quiet furnished chambers in a Schloss, Marries Augusta, also called Victoria, Say, shall we see her likeness by Du Maurler? (Reply.) For likeness of Victoria and Prince Victor See News and Graphic,—both will have a pictur'. AN ENTR'ACTE DIALOGUE. Time—After the Third Reading. ScEKE—The Smoking-Room of the House. Conservative M.P. (condescendingly). It was necessary for us to assist the Government in Coercion against Obstruction. Liberal'M.P. (beaming). And'-our combined forces have been victorious. Toby, M.P. (Independent). Better say Wig-tory-ous. {And they agree to say so in consequence. Victor Hugo, on his birthday, to be re-christened Victor Ego. vol. lxxx. 98 [March 5, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. HARE AND HOUNDS-AND MAY THEIR SHADOWS NEVER GROW LESS. Mrs. Minircr. "How exhausted they look, toor Fellows! Fancy doing that sort of thino for mere pleasure!" Little Timpkins (his bosom welling with national pride). "Ah, but it's all through doing that sort of thing for mere PLEASURE, MIND YOU, THAT WE ENGLISH ARE—WHAT WE ARE/" [Bullyfor little Timpkins I THE SULTAN'S^DIARY. Monday.—Mr. Goschen called upon me. He was rather reserved, but declared " that England had no arriere pensee." Then he asked me if I could suggest anything. On the spur of the moment I hinted that a pension of half-a-million sterling a year out of the British Civil List and the reversion of the Crystal Palace, might serve as'a basis for further negotiations. He said he would consider it. Was astonished to find that he had not a spare fifty-pound note about him which he was able to lend for a month! Tuesday.—Asked Goschen to lunch. He was still very reserved. He said that ho was sure that the House of Commons would ob- ject to my suggestion about the British Civil List Pension and the reversionary interest in the Crystal Palace. Still, he was most anxious to make the '' solution of the question sat isfactor v, as far as possible, to both parties." Upon this I proposed that I should surrender all my rights in Egypt (with the exception of those attaching to the tribute) to the lung of the Hellenes, on condition of receiving, as an equivalent, the whole of Greece. Before we parted I was amazed to learn that he had not a spare twenty-pound note about him which he could lend for three weeks! Wednesday.—Asked G. J. Goschkx to dejeuner d la fourchette. He came late, and said that he had already lunched! Unhandsome! He was more reserved than ever, and. seemed depressed. The Egyptian suggestion emphatically would not do—had I anything else to propose? With a smile I brought out a map, and pointed out the frontier line on it, to which I said I would agree. On finding that I had given him an old chart of South America with the title erased, he was much annoyed. G. J. G. has no appreciation of genuine humour! Before taking leave, he informed me abruptly that he was quite sure he had not a spare ten-pound note about him which he could lend for a fortnight! Thursday.—George Goschen paid me a visit. I don't go to him, as I object to paying anything—even a visit. I told him I was pre- pared to adopt the King of the Hellenes. He would, he said, see what could be done. In the meanwhile, I was grieved to learn that he had not a spare five-pound note about him which ho could lend for ten days! Friday.—Georgie Goschen looked in. Told me that the adoption idea was impossible. Asked him confidentially as a friend if he could suggest anything. He proposed that the King of Greece should have three-fourths of our united sovereignties. 1 immediately consented, on the condition that I should be allowed nine-tenths of the same territory. George appeared to think that there might be some mathematical difficulty in carrying out this sensible arrange- ment. Finally agreed to see him to-morrow. In the meanwhile, was rather hurt at discovering that he had not a spare guinea about him which he could lend for a week! Saturday.—The person I had grown accustomed to regard as " my dear old friend George," looked in as usual. Admitted the solu- tion of the mathematical problem had been too much for him. And yet he calls himself a financier! At his invitation made further suggestions. Here are three of them:—Things to be restored to the condition in which they were before the Turko-Kussian War: the Great Powers to pay the Turkish National Debt in consideration of the recognition of the neutrality of Athens by the Sublime Porte: a free gift to be made of the whole of Asiatic Turkey in exchange for the propert y and goodwill of the Banking Combination at Monte Carlo. He objected to everything! He actually refused point blank to lend me the ridiculous sum of seven-and-sixpence, to be repaid punctually by half-past eleven o'clock on Monday morning! I have consequently broken oil all further communication with him in disgust! More about the Tartan. The Daily Telegraph, speaking of the dress of the 74th High- landers, says that Lieutenant-Colonel Luabd's "own preference seems to have been for the trews over the philibeg^." Heavens! What an extraordinary dress! The trews over the philibeg! Well, philibeggars mustn't be choosers, but it is to be hoped that by no inducement from Colonel Luard will any Highlander be al-luard into wearing so absurd a costume. The Funny Man at a wedding-breakfast, looking at the jellies, said—" Come where the aspics quiver." March 5, 1881.] 99 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. Lord Shaftesbury. "The dear Archbishop was quite right when he said that Battersea Park ok a Wet Sunday After- noon was far more enjoyable than the British Museum." Lord Cairns. "If we could but get a drop of Hot Gin-and-Water somewhere!" Duk* of Argyll. "Or Whuskey!" Monbat Night, Feb. 21.—Gone through another crisis to-night. The question was, whether the Opposition were going to stand by the Government in carrying Gladstone's Resolution, whereby, at the stroke of midnight, Obstruction should disappear much after the way in which ghosts in story-books vanish at cock-crow. Opposition apparently not quite made up their minds. Earthquake in the Fourth Party, reducing it to Randolph. "You're quite a quar- termaster now," I say, pleasantly. But Randolph only twisted his massive moustache, and looked into space. Curious how obtuse he is sometimes. Irish Obstruction again scotched, which shows how useful was the Union, j It was very pretty at midnight to see the way business 100 [March 5, 1881. PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHAEIVAEI. began to move. Impossible Amendments voted on straight off, and so got rid off. Irish Members fighting to the last. When poor Lyon Playtair (nearly dead with fright at having incidentally proposed to report progress instead of .to report the Bill) wanted to leave the "Division." Chair, his work being finished, they would not let him, and took a division on the question, as indeed they did on everything else. But when Mr. Gladstone is resolved there is no escaping his Resolution: and at twelve o'clock Obstruction was within measurable distance of temporary extinction. Business done.—Protection Bill through Committee. Tuesday Night.— Looked in at the House of Lords. Much more lively here than in the Commons. Great gathering of Bishops in late evening dress; almost night-dress, being chiefly composed of white linen gown boldly puckered at the elbows. Thought at first it was a Confirmation Service, but it was only a Motion by Lord Dunrvven to open Picture Galleries and Museums on Sundays. Bishops dread- fully shocked. Sat together all in a heap to the right of the Wool- sack, with the palms of their hands gently closed, finger tips slightly touching, and eyes cast down. This, whilst Lord Dunraven was speaking. Smart man, for a Peer, Lord Dunbaven. Made an effec- tive speech, though he thought it necessary to play a little to the gallery of Bishops. Rosebery made capital speech. No Tattenham Corner in the course of his oratory. Made straight for the post riding over prejudices and misrepresentations as if they were blades of heather. Shaftesbury sanctimonious, Cairns cau- tious, Argyll Presby- terian. Saw an Archbishop for the first time in my life. Can't understand, why Syd- ney Smith should have crumbled bis bread as he sat in company of one at dinner. Dr. Tait is a mild, affable Gentleman with his hair parted down the middle. Looks as if he could not hurt a curate. Touchingly tender in his solicitude for impetuous youth like Dunraven and ROSEBERY. Dizzy there aU the while, saying nothing, but looking sermons. What a splendid Archbishop he would have made! To-night his face is a study; grieved when Dunraven orated; pained Justin McCarthy— makino His Story that a man who had mar- ov Our Own Times. ried a Rothschild should „™*i, jvo . speak as Rosebeby did; soothed by SHATTESBimY; comforted by Calbns; soul elevated by the Archbishop. When the Duke of Arqyll came forward a ™Z? fUfj>d «» «°«1 "■»'» brow. But memories of old ani- mosity faded as the Duke went on showing how shocking a thing VhJ^FVT1 "? jer a ceTrtain:income to see pictures on a Sunday Wfam the Duke sat down, Dizzy took out his pocket-handkerchief, tCto&YLL!^ eyeS' ^ *" Wd t0 ™». "B1- onl^T"evJre-^M^0U rlje^ by ¥ votes ■*"»* 3i- Majority the doors ofthyP'pHtlUIV^d °f the7^»e »r been iMertod ^tween Sen on SulK e y' J ^Shortly N prized Wednesday.-^. Gladstone catching sight of me as he crossed the Lobby just now, stopped to inquire after the health of my great master, Mr. Punch, as he never fails to do. "And how are things going on here P" he asked, after expressing pleasure at my report. 'Same old game," I said, pull Parnellites, puU Forster.'^ "Ah," said W. E. G., "they 're a busy lot. Reminds me of the bees you read of in your Virgil. But— Hi motus animorum, atque haec certamina tanta Pulveris exiguijactu compressa quiescent." Hear! hear! hear!" I cried (not because I understood this, but because I had noticed that when Mr. Osborne Morgan, or any other great scholar introduces a tag of Latin, Mr. Macdonald always leans forward in his seat and vigorously cheers). • I' NuWJ m going to tarow tlle dust- " saia tne Pkemter, moving into the House. Followed and heard him give notice that to-morrow if vi mo^e that **' deDate not over by seven o'clock, the Speaker shall turn it off—as if it were the gas in a lodging-house and the hour bedtime. Suppose the foreign language used in the Lobby was Latin for the Resolution. Thursday—Sometimes I have felt a little out of my element here. Cannot orate, dare not howl, and to bark I am ashamed. But when it comes to legislation by racing through the Lobby. crest rises, and begin to feel that this will be a proud day for Barks. Nine laps to- night in hundred and ten minutes, and I came in first in every one. Lots of matches made. In the matter of handicapping, think I did it handsomely. Gave T. B. Potter a start half-way. Passed him in a canter at the third writing table. Could not give quite as much to Brown of Wen- lock. These heavy Guards- men are often in training. But he had a good start, and handsomely admits he was nowhere at the finish. Incidentally we passed the Protection Bill through stage of Report, and made a dash at the Third Read- ing. Awfully duU. Same old speeches scarcely wrapped up. 'Handed in as it were with bits of the old brown-paper wrappers sticking to them. Stumbled over Major Nolan just now standing in the doorway looking out into the Terrace with his hat off, a wet cloth round his head. "Heard bad news,.from your battery, Major?" I said, for he looked so woebegone I thought he was in trouble. "No," he replied, wearily. "Worse than that. I've heard!'. P. O'Connor's eightieth speech since Monday at four o'clock." Business done.— Protection Bill reported. Third Reading moved. Friday Night.—Never saw Fobster so hopelessly rumpled. Looks more than ever as if he had gut up in the dead of the night to move an Amendment on the Protection Bill, and put on the wrong man's clothes. The «nd is near, but the road still thorny. Nothing to equal the wealth of similitudes which the other side find for Fobster. Last week he was like General Haynau; to-night he pleasantly recalls to Mr. Cowen's mind the late Mr. Robesplebre. Pity Dr. Renealy is not alive now. This is the sort of game at which he would have beaten everybody hoUow, Beresfobd Hope (a great reader) tells me Kenealy once wrote a play in which there were more nice names on a page than you could hear in Billingsgate in a week. Here's a couplet he remembers: "Spatch-face, horn-head, cockatrice, codger, low're a pretty first-floor lodger!" In Dr. Kenealy's absence we get on as well as possible. Mac- donald misty, but magnificent. Language glowing, ideas other people's, arrangement mixed. If this is a.fair sample of the working- man on whom we trample, let us go on trampling. "Thank Heaven for a House of Lords !" says Ashmead-Bartlett. "Thank Heaven for Mr. Burt!" the working-man may say when he thinks of his representative in Parliament. Fobsteb almost speechlessly angry with Cowen. Wrath blazed all the more because he could not find Cowen below the.gangway to fix him with his eye whilst he rasped him with his tongue. Looked down the front bench whence Cowen had spoken, glared angrily up and down the benches behind it, Cowen all the time sitting quietly in the shadow of the gallery just behind the Treasury Bench, trying to look as if it wasn't him. Business done— Protection Bill through at last! "Ayes to the Right, Noes to the Left." BILLS. Y DOES IT. I 'M COMING IN TO WIN!" READY, AYE READY!" Friend {who lius kindly caught the Sporting Hector's horse). "I say, I shall tell your Parishioners you 've turned Baptist, AND GONE IN FOR 'TOTAL IMMERSION ' I" Sporting Hector {just out of it). "They won't believe you, as I shall be 'High and Dry' before you get back." SECRET CORRESPONDENCE. What Sir William Harcourt really found in the Post-Office. Dear P., Office of President of Board of Trade. Congratulations on your French trip. Don't be^alarmed about the detectives. We must send some.after you, just to keep up appearances, don't you see? Perfectly safe men—come from the Criminal Investigation Department; never discovered anything in their.lives. Capital speech of yours^at Clara. That's it—give it the landlords hot. Cabinet (all except Whigs and Reactionaries) with you to a man. When shall we start our English Land League r No end of fun. Fancy Hartington, Selborne, &c, when they hear of it! They '11 be furious! Let 'em be! Bright looking over my shoulder—quite agrees—" force no remedy "—capital joke. Bright says, must humour poor old Forster a little, but he '11 take care none of our friends touched by Coercion Act. Now for Land Bill! It will be a sweeper. Your fine is to say it's not half strong enough—then it'll look moderate. Last reports of Davitt, quite comfortable, enjoys his new sofa, also cigars and champagne Govern- ment sent him; doesn't think much of Miss Braddon's last—would be glad of some really amusing literature. Sent him Cabul papers, and Argyll's speech about'em. He 's screaming over it. JSomore at present. JEntre nous, Gladstone didn't want Fixity of Tenure— except in office, ha! ha! Bit of a Whig about Gladstone; he got a bit of a wigging, too, I can tell you, from me and Bright, and soon gave in. Dilxe's and my kind regards to Rochefort when yon see him. Only initials now, as Harcourt—fussy, fidgety fellow, Harcourt— wilt open the wrong letter sometimes. Yours devotedly, J. C. Dear Kruger, Downing Street, February ilth. Thanks for your last wire per Brand. Glad you were all So amused by my joke about "repudiate." Chamberlain 's juBt done a screamer—begs me to send it you. ".When's a_Rebel not a Rebel?" Answer by next post, if you can't guess it. Now to business. Very sorry to have had to shoot any of your men, but Colley is so^impetuous. Won't you give us peace now? You 've beaten us badly so far—why not take qualified independence, right to flog your own Kaffirs, British envoy at Pretoria, and have done with it? Would otter, complete independence at once, but papers here wild about "resisting Uueen's authority." Kind regards to Pretorius, &c. No, our Speaker no relation to President of Free State. Have wired Colley to accept any terms you otter, so don't be too hard on us. Yours unofficially, W. E. G. DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND. "The Serjeant"—Serjeant Ballantlne of course—was never in better form than when cross-examining witnesses in the recent case of Diamond v. The London and North Western. His "eye of a hawk "—clearer even than the eye of a Hawkins—detected a fatal flaw in the evidence when he ventured to distrust an account of events current in August 1679 entered, at Hie time of occurrence, in a diary for 1880! The Serjeant is to be congratulated on his having lately recruited his forces to some purpose, and the Incorporated Law Society will be delighted to notice the invigorating effect of Refreshers on the learned Serjeant's constitution. His appearance in Court suggested a trifling alteration of a stage-direction in Mac- beth. "Lnter a blooming Serjeant." As Malcolm says— "This is the Sergeant Who like a good and hardy soldier fought" And we finish with Malcolm's salutation, "Hail, brave friend!" Duet from "The Maid of Honours." ■"Where are you coming from, my pretty Maid?" "Coming from Girton, Sir," she said. "Then I will not marry you, my priggish maid." "Nobody asked you, Sir," she said. She was a Senior Wrangler. 106 [Marcii 5, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SUNDAY "POPS." A gbeat success has been achieved in Paris at one of the "Sunday Classical Concerts " by an Austrian violoncellist, one M. Popper, enthusiastically ap- plauded in the performance of a fantasia, "La Eanse des Elfes," composed by himself. In Lon- don the proper observance of Sunday, as by Law prescribed, shuts up all places of intellectual and spiritual recreation like Concert-Rooms, so as entirely to preclude the possibility of any such entertainments as Classical Concerts on that holiday; but there is no just cause to debar us from the pleasure of hearing M. Popper, ere long perhaps, at the " Monday Pops/' Those Concerts also consist mainly of Classical Music, which, as peculiarly tending to refine and elevate the mind and feel- ings, is esteemed particularly suitable in England to any day of the week except Sunday, and may therefore be performed by M. Popper at the "Pops" either of Monday or Saturday without the slightest im-Popper- iety. PIO-CULTAR PEOPLE. The Germans examine every American pig to detect its Trichi- nosis. Do they adopt a similar plan with the unoffending Jews, and persecute the race on account of its striking noses? Imperial Britain.—A country on which the sun never sets—and seldom rises. PUNCH'S FANCY PORTRAITS.-No. 21. MISS M. E. BRADDON. "Just as I am!" THE DUNRAVEN IX THE HAPPY FAMILY. "We are surprised that a noble- man of Lord Dunra yen's ability should have made a more or less organised attack upon the Sab- batarian liberty of Club life, and should have been seconded by the Earl of Rosebeby. Lord Dun- raven and Lord Rosebery may not care to visit Clubs on Sunday, nor to use them for the purpose of billiard and card-playing, but why should they attempt to force their views upon numbers of per- sons who hold differentopimons and act upon them? Why this passion for proselytism and uni- formity? A Club is a large place, and may easily afford shelter to the Puritan Nincomformist and the sinner. Lord Shaftesbury and other philanthropists who have paved London — especially the East-End—with good inten- tions, were quite right to oppose and defeat such a movement. It must be clear to the meanest ca- pacity that if Clubs were closed on Sunday, the working-man would have to labour seven davs for six days' wages, instead of labouring five days, as he does at present. A Voice from the "Waste- paper Basket. Cynical and Waggish Friend {to Editor). I suppose you often get good things sent you? Editor {incautiously). Occa- sionally. Cynical Wag. Ah!—but they never appear. [Chuckles. Editor. So disappointed Con- tributors always tell me. \_Extt separately. THE GOOD EARL'S HOLIDAY. (Being MS. of an Entirely Original Comedy, recently picked up in the Lords' Lobby.) "And yet the very men to whom these places are accessible for the cultiva- tion of their minds, the training of the heart, and the elevation of the human being, are the men who burnt the H6tel de Ville and the Tuilerics, and com- mitted many other excesses. So much, then, for the influence of science and art on Sunday upon the cultivation and improvement of the mind of a people."—Lord Shaftesbury. Scene—A delightful and refreshing hack-street in the neighbourhood of the Mile End Road. Time—A few minutes before the opening of the public-houses on Sunday morning. Groups of highly re- spectable British working-men walking about with their families, merrily brushing away the soot-flakes that fall in showers on their upturned faces, as they try, now and then, to get a glimpse of far-off blue sky through some rift in the leaden volume of stifling atmosphere that hangs, like a pall, about the reeking and battered chimney-pots of the locality, and shuts out all sunshine, light, and life from those who grope beneath. As Curtain rises, a cheery church clock chimes the hour of one: when the door of an attrac- tive Gin Palace opens, and discovers the proprietor, ready on the step, offering gallons of adulterated alcohol gratis, to any who will only seek some trifling relaxation on his premises. As he does so, several Model Sunday-observers turn away in polite disgust. _ First Model Observer. No, no, my good Master: spite the attrac- tive prospect you present to us of being made both very drunk and very ill for nothing, we must decline your allurements. {Surveying the scene.) Here are at hand vigorous delights, compared with which, coloured potato-spirit, though excellent in its way, is a mere bagatelle! Is it not so, my mates? All. It is! [They turn away and inspect the gutters. Publican {despairingly).—But surely a little gossip at the bar, a look at the back numbers of the Police News, and later, perhaps, a free fight, in the Bottle and Jug Department,—this, with pewter pots? Surely, this, at least, might tempt ye! Second Model Observer. Nay, Mr. Publican, I grant you it is an attractive picture. But you forget we have stronger attractions elsewhere. (With feeling.) Think you, on this, the one holiday of our toiling week, we can tear ourselves from our dear dirty, damp, dismal old Street! Never! All. Never! [They retire up and wipe away a furtive tear. First Model Observer. No, indeed not! For after the grinding strain of six days of constant labour, what more delicious, more exhilarating, nay, more respectable method of spending our one interval of rest, than by loafing about listlessly in the grime and filth of our beloved locality! Second 3Iodel Observer {brightly). Staring at the dark walls and smashed panes of our stifling nomes! Third Model Observer {with enthusiasm). Watching our Missuses and young 'uns,—heaven bless 'em!—growing as limp as putty, and as white as paste-pots for want of a breath of fresh air! First Model Observer. And singing the praises of the good Earl of Shaftesbury, who has done so much to secure us a permanent enjoyment of this blissful life, by saving us from the moral, social, and intellectual degradation awaiting us surely beyond the portals of a Sunday Museum! {A blaze of fire, and shouting of mob with- out.) Ha! This is most apropos. Just as the good Earl hinted. See, these people have poured a tin of petroleum upon the neigh- bouring church, chased the good Vicar into the wrong end of a fire- escape, and are now prepared further to uproot Society. (A rabid mob rushes in.) You are, are ye not, my friends P Mob. We are! First Model Observer. Quite so. And I presume^ this is the result of inspecting stuffed animals instead of drinking inferior gin P Mob. It is! Second Model Observer. And even now you may be purposing a visit to some collection of oil-paintings? Nodoubt, at this moment you all of you carry vouchers for private admission to the Grosvenor Gallery in your waistcoat-pockets? March 5, 1881.] 107 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. HAPPY THOUGHT. Street Boy (appropriately applying the popular phrase to a "deserving object "). "He's got 'em on!" Mob [producing them). We do! Down with everything! [They proceed to wreck the public-house and murder a stray policeman. First Model Observer (mournfully). Alas! Dunrayen has much to answer for—very much! All. He has! He has! First Model Observer. Indeed, he has, my friends! But as I see it is now close on two, and we have enjoyed six hours usefully doing nothing on the flags we hoast without, what say you to getting through the other ten, as cheerily employed, amidst the squalor that waits us within? All (with a shout). That's the ticket! First Model Observer. It is, my worthy mates ! f So now, wishing each other a long continuance of this ennobling existence, let us retire to our battered tenements, with a cheer for the name of Shaftesbury! Third Model Observer. Yes; and an admission that of all the rational, edifying, instructive, hopeful spectacles Second Model Observer.—There is nothing at all to touch First Model Observer.—The Good Earl's Holiday! Curtain. Mem. not Undated. Is the Report of the meeting of the Date Coffee Company, which appeared as a prodigious advertisement in the Times—the papers have been inundated by them lately—a shareholder is represented as asking;— *' Whether there was likely to be any fear of competition from a mixture which, it was rumoured, was to be made from figs?" Such a question, if not satisfactorily answered, as it was by the Chairman, might have brought all the Shareholders to their legs with one great cry of—" In the name of our Profit—Figs!!" We understand making money, but not coffee, out of dates. In fact, we do not see the raison date of this Company's existence; but then—N.B.—we are not Shareholders. CABINETS AND CATALOGUES. M. Tubqttet, Under Secretary of State for Fine Arts, is establish- ing at Paris a Museum on the "Model of that at South Kensington, and, to have something to put in it, as a start, has conceived the happy idea of emptying the Government offices of certain "old cabinets and furniture," which a contemporary alleges are at the present moment entirely "thrown away on Ministers and subordi- nates, who would actually prefer modern and less artistic fittings." The conception is excellent, and if Officialism on this side of the water is only in the mood for "new fittings," steps should be taken immediately to give it some practical shape, for a Ministerial "col- lection" at Brompton would be invaluable. (1) "Waste-paper basket, used by Mr. Gladstone after reading the Turkish Despatches,"—for instance: or (2) "Gum bottle and hot water-can, supplied to the Home- Secretary during his raid on the General Post-Office," and (3) "Extra wig prepared for the Speaker, in case of riot in the House of Commons on promulgation of the New Pules," are interesting items that at once suggest themselves as a good " go off " for any Catalogue. There is practically no limit to what might follow: for anything from a common office poker, waved in triumph at a Cabinet Council, down to a patched, re-covered, and worn-out woolsack, would have a special historic interest. The idea is capital. It is to be hoped something will come of it. Paddy's" Daughter. We beg to thank publicly the senders of several subscriptions, which we have privately acknowledged, for this sad case. If all the "Dear Boys " who at every visit used to help themselves out of Paddy's cheerily offered snuff-box would now help our good old friend's daughter, they would, indeed, be proving themselves true friends at a pinch. Address Cheques or Post-Office Orders to Editor of Punch, 85, Fleet Street, E.C. So E.C.—we should say, so Ea-sy —to do. Bis dat, &c. 108 [March 5, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. *U#' A CAPITAL CHOICE. yet what Profession Cousin Amy. "So you haven't made up tour mind you'he ooinq to be when you grow ur, Bobby?" Bobby. "Well, yes! I don't exactly know what it 's called, you know, but it 's living in the Country, and keeping lots of Horses and Dogs, and all that!" [Bobby's Papa is a Curate, wilh £200 a-year. THE FATE OF THE FOUR. A WOEFUL BALLAD OF LORD WOODCOCK. Air—"Hans Bre'Umann gife a barty." Loud Woodcock had a Party, Of high heroic strain.; They held that the Liberal lot were naught, And Gladstone's vauntings vain. They had principles of the patriot type, True Neo-Tory Blue, And when in muster full they met They numbered—just twice two! Lord Woodcock had a Party: Those Four were ever found In the deadly breach with vote and speech, When the word for fight went round; The cockiest Four in all the House, There was Balfour, Wolff, and Gorst. When Woodcock led those three to war, Their foes might dread the worst. Lord Woodcock had a Party; Those Four were void of fear, And, when they rose, sore shrank their foes, Whilst their friends felt parlous queer. But when they slanged the Treasury bench The Tory host would roar, And swear so stout a Party Had ne'er been known before. Lord Woodcock had a Party, Which, led with nerve and nous, Was Gladstone's flail, Sir Stafford's cross, And the terror of the House. They called old Tories fogies, All discipline they 'd decline, And franklv go for the free-lance lay, And the Ishmaelitish line. Lord Woodcock had a Party, But oh, that Party split; Small bond have they, alas! to-day, Save the bench on which thev sit. The ribald Rad laughs loud and long, Sir Stafford smiles to see The Four, for solidarity, Too numerous—by three! Lord Woodcock had a Party,— Where is that Party now? Where is the hyacinthine crop That decked young Dizzy's brow? Where is Adullam? where Bob Lowe, That star of free-lance fight? All gone with the flash of Yesterday's " fizz" Away " in the ewigkeit.' The Defective Police.—In the Army it is customary to emblazon shields and inscribe flags with the names of victories; in the Police it ought to be the custom to record failures in a sjprilar manner. We should write Blooms- bury, Cannon Street, Coram Street, Hoxton, Euston Square, Burton Crescent, and Harlcy Street. Shall we have to add Chatham to the list? Most likely. "YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE!" Although the obstructive representatives of St. Giles's will raoceed in stopping all domestic legislation during the present Ses- sion of Parliament, there is one thing they cannot stop, and that is Taxation. We are always sure of a Budget—the governing classes will light for that, if for nothing else—and we are fortunately in a position to anticipate what is called the "financial statement." The Post-office will be reformed, and instead of trying how much money it can make by "sweating" its servants, it will be taught that a Government Department is not exactly in the same position as a Hounsditch Slopseller. Several highly paid and ornamental servants of the Office will be discharged—without a pension—and the money will be divided amongst the people who do the work. The Income- Tax will not only be reduced, but re-adjusted, and temporary and perishable incomes will not be taxed at the same rate as properties which last for ever. The Local Commissioners will be abolished, and it will no longer be in the power of the elevated cheesemonger, or the sanctified grocer to pry into his neighbour's profits and losses. A little more consideration will be shown to the noble army of pub- licans—who subscribe nearly one-third of the National Revenue—in spite of the attacks made upon this body by the Nincomformist Party in Parliament. The embargo on the free circulation of goods and men will be removed by the abolition of the Railway Passengers Duty, the Hackney Carriage Tax, and similar imposts, or imposi- tions. All taxes on food and temperance will be repealed, and tea, coffee, chicory, cocoa, dried fruit, &c, will be at last thoroughly free. The probate duty now levied unfairly only on personal property, will be extended to real estate, and the legacy and succession duties will be dealt with in a similar spirit. The Customs, especially those more honoured in the breach than the observance, will be overhauled, and the thirty-seven Cus- tom-Houses in which nearly thirty thousand a year is spent to collect about fifteen thousand, will be at once let out as sailors' lodging-houses. The free-born and sea-sick Briton, who has the costly privilege of belonging to a kingdom on which the sun never sets, will be spared the humiliation of having his dirty shirts and socks examined on his return from less privileged countries, while he is kept standing on a slimy gangway in a tempest of wind and rain. To -JV B.lilirr tea ntt hold hivutlS bound to aclcnemUdot, return, trvay/mr Contriliutumt. J» %» t ttatnjxd and directed envelope. Coput tkould be kept. l thent b* returned unlets mettmpmitt 6» • March 12, 1881.] 109 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A NOTE AND QUERY. Wife {given to Literature and the Drama). "George, what is the meaning of the Expression, 'Go to !' you meet with so often in Shakspeare and the old Dramatists?" Husband {not a reading Man), "'Don't know, I 'm sure, Dear, unless Well,—p'raps he was goino to say but thought it wouldn't sound proper!" THE SONG OF PAHTAHQUAHONG. "The Rev. Henry Pahtauquahong Chase, hereditary Chief of the Ojibway tribe, President of the Grand Council of Indians, and missionary of the Colonial and Continental Church Society at Muuoey Town, Ontario, Canada, has just arrived in England, on a short visit. —The Standard. Straight across the Big-Sea-Water, From the Portals of the Sunset, From the prairies of the Red Men, Where Suggema, the mosquito, Makes the aggravated hunter Scratch himself with awful language; From the land of Hiawatha, Land of wigwams, and of wampum, Land of tomahawks and scalping, (See the works of J. F. Cooper,) Comes the mighty Pahtahquahong, Comes the Chief of the Ojibways. Wot ye well, we'll give him welcome, After manner of the Pale Face, Show him all the old world's wonders, Griffins in the public highways, Gormandising corporations, And the Market of Mud-Salad. Show him, too the dingy Palace, And the House of Talkee-Talkee; Where the Jossakeeds—the prophets— And the Chieftains raise their voices, Like Iagoo the great boaster, With immeasurable gabble, Talking much and doing little, Till one wishes they could vanish To the kingdom of Ponemah— To the Land of the Hereafter! We will show him all the glories Of this land of shams and swindles, Land of much adulteration, Dusting tea and sanding sugar, And of goods not up to sample; Till disgusted Pahtahquahong, Till the Chief of the Ojibways, President of Indian Council, Missionarv swell, and so forth, Cries, "Oh, let me leave this England, Land of Bumbledom and Beadles, Of a thousand Boards and Vestries; Let me cross the Big-Sea-Water, With Keewaydin—with the Home Wind, And go back to the Ojibways!" FRAGMENTS FROM AN TJNPTJBLISBED BLUE BOOK. From Somebody in Command Abroad to Nobody Responsible at Home. I think it my duty to inform you that there are signs of disaffec- tion in this Colony, that may, if not met soon by a prompt and energetic display of force, possibly lead to serious consequences. On good authority, I hear, that if the situation becomes acute, we may expect fully 6,000 well-armed men in the field against us. As I have at present under my command but one company and a drummer-boy of the 260th, a mountain gun, the ammunition for which has not yet arrived, and five men of the Naval Brigade, I should be glad to know that Her Majesty's Government realised the gravity of the situation. From Nobody Responsible at Home to Somebody in Command Abroad. Your ridiculously alarmist despatch to hand. How often shall I have to impress on you that what you describe as the "gravity of the situation " abroad, must depend solely on the look of the Estimates at home? We are, you must be thoroughly aware, pledged not to spend money. The arrival of your communication is, therefore, all the more untimely, as orders had already been issued for the return of half the company, together with the gun, now at your disposal. I trust by the date this reaches you that the sensational rumours will have been satisfactorily dissipated. Somebody in Command Abroad to Nobody Responsible at Home. I regret to inform you that I was attacked yesterday by an over- whelmingly superior force, and am in consequence now holding this Colony, as well as I can, in Her Majesty's name, with the assistance of my Aide-de-Camp, the drummer-boy, and a couple of friendly natives. I really must impress on yon the necessity of sending out some reinforcements. Nobody Responsible at Home to Somebody in Command Abroad. Your despatch inexplicable. It simply means another £100,000 on to the Estimates. This is most annoying. However, as the situation seems embarrassing, you will be strengthened at once by the re-despatch of the half company, an additional drummer-boy, and the ammunition for the mountain gun. Somebody in Command Abroad to Nobody Responsible at Home. I regret to have again to inform you, that I have been over- whelmed by superior forces, and after being utterly routed, am now holding this Colony, in Her Majesty's name, by myself, disguised, in a ditch. I attribute this result to the difficulty I experienced in persuading the enemy that the force I have hitherto had at my dis- posal, represented, in reality, the tremendous might of an Empire that could, hold its own, if necessary, against half the civilised world. I shall be glad of reinforcements. Somebody [vice Nobody resigned) at last Responsible at Home to Anybody in Command Abroad. Crisis fully appreciated by H.M. Government. You will have 15,000 men at your disposal within three weeks, and a further 10,000 (if necessary) whenever you wire for them. This will cost the country not a penny under Ten Millions. But never mind. We should like, though, to know (in confidence) who is to blame for the miserable dribbling system which has led to all this disaster, and now colossal outlay. Anybody in Command Abroad to Somebody (at last) Responsible at Home. Thanks for the reinforcements. We can now probably effect with twenty thousand men what, three months since, we could have managed with four. In strict confidence (I don't wish this to go further), Nobody was really responsible for the miserable dribbling to which you refer. TOL. LXXX. 110 [March 12, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. AT A SCHOOL FEAST Teacher. "Now, you three little Girls, are not you going to sit down and have Tea?" Sararann, "No, Teacher. We always have late Dinner, at 'alf past Six with Par and Mar!" ANOTHER CRY TROM CLERKDOM. The following is assumed to be the form of letter addressed to a successful oandidate for the post of Telegraph Clerk under Government; and Mr. Punch need scarely say it is received with tears of honest gratitude by the father of a family of seven, who, having half starved himself to educate his children, sees his eldest lad, the young hopeful of the family, appointed to a position oi respectability and trust: — Sib, I am directed by Her Majesty's Postmaster-General to inform you that you have been selected from several hundred candidates, after a competitive examination in which the rudiments of scientific telegraphy are included, to till the post of Telegraph Clerk, and you are required to take up your duties immediately. In order distinctly to mark the difference between your position and that of the ordinary members of the Civil Service in general, your hours of daily attendance will be eight instead of seven; you may be expected to be called upon to continue to serve at the office, whether fatigued or not, at the close of your ordinary labours; your Sundays and the ordinary holidays of the year, such as Christmas Day, Bank Holidays, &c., must be cheerfully accorded to the State that so graciously employs you; and it is expected that your services will be available on ordinary days from seven o'clock in the morning until eleven o'clock at night. Your position differing so entirely from the ordinary Artisan who has so many interruptions in his labour, and who spends the whole of Saturday in dawdling, drinking, and getting paid, you will have no holidays at all throughout the year, and as payment m cash for overtime is considered derogatory to your position, your overtime will be occasionally credited to you as leave to be taken at hours most convenient to the Service and not to yourself. As your official superiors are anxious to avoid repre- sentations of inefficiency by means of grumbling letters in the public papers, you will be liable to instant dis- missal for the slightest inaccuracy caused by the hurry of business and the illegible handwriting of transmitters of messages; and as you will be constantly harassed by seductive bribes for revealing information to news- paper touts and private detectives, you are warned that penal servitude is the consequence or any breach of official trust. On occasions of jjublic rejoicing and national emer- gency, when provisions are dear, and beds at a premium, you may be ordered down to a distant part of the country to aid in the transmission of news, speeches, and de- scriptive reports, in which case you will be necessarily compelled to leave your wife and family, and your subsistence allowance will be twopence an hour. Being deprived of any holiday, and compelled to work in unhealthy offices, and in a stifling atmosphere, you may be liable to sickness, in which event, unlike the other members of the Civil Service, you will only receive two-thirds of your pay. By reason oi the _possession of special qualifications such as honesty, integrity, and punctuality, you will be paid at the rate of £65 a year for eight years—less wages than that of a common labourer, and after twenty years' service, when you may expect to be married, settled, and educating your children, your honorarium will be £160 per annum. You will be required to affix your signature to these conditions, and understand that any complaint, agitation, united meeting, or conference will be treated as a breach of discipline, and render you liable to instant dismissal, and the stigma attached to removal from the Public Service. T anl) gjr) yours obediently, TnEOPHiLUS Dockett {Secretary). On handing this death-warrant to the promising lad, the father of the family congratulates himself on freedom from an incubus, and hails one of the many blessings of a paternal government. THE WEATHER. (By One who is much affected by it.) What made me careless, cheery, gay, What made me throw ten pounds away, And cheerfully some large bills pay ?— The Weather! What made my head feel iron-bound, AVhat made me kick my favourite hound, Quarrel with wife and friends all round ?— The Weather! What made me open wide my coat, And get into a penny boat, And talk of Springtime like a " Pote ?"— The Weather! What made me suddenly feel ill, Wrhat gave me such a fearful chill. That I went home to make mv will ?— The Weather! Disaffected Dialogue. (After the first report of the Accident to Mr. Gladstone.) First Fenian [delighted). Bedad then, "Coercion Bill" 's got it this time. He's shot. Second Fenian (contemptuously). Shot! Man alive! divil a bit! He's only had an ugly fall, and he's all right again. First Fenian [positively). I tell ye he 's shot! Didn't I hear them say now he was wounded in the head, and that the last bullet in was got out yesterday, and there wouldn't be another? A Matter for Regret. "Home education in Paris is, as a rule, impossible."—Daily Newt. Amongst the Parisians, wherever we roam, For Girls' education there's no place at home. —:—:---l: Mabch PUNCH, LONDON CHARIVARI. 111 ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. Jloxp.ir NigM, Feb. 28.—Great thing to have a man in the House like Walter James—a man who will sacrifice the possible pleasures of a whole evening to the service of the State. To- night, after closely surveying the position, he went home, carefully dressed nimseff in black, put on a white necktie, parted his hair in the middle, sedulously brushed it till every hair was straight, and then Buddenlv appearing below the gangway, denounced Obstruction. Plan cleverly conceived, admirably carried out. Business of the evening, Army Estimates. Childers taken up impregnable position on the Treasury Bench, m laager composed of red leather Treasury box and bundles of papers. But he never got a chance to open fire, and, inspanning at twenty minutes to twelve, began to trek. Fact is, business of the night being Army Estimates, naturally suggested to Mr. O'Donnell the question of bail for Prisoners in Ireland; to Mr. McCoan the present condition of the Irish Magistracy; ana to Mr. Dawson, the law relating to the application of fines and fees in Petty Sessions. If this had not been enough, Mr. Biooak was ready with a few remarks on the flora of the Mountains of the Moon. Won- derful accounts, by the way, Irishmen bring over of their fellow-countrymen, perhaps a trifle monotonous, the sole variation being in respect to precise kinds of infamy. Irish gentle- men holding the office of Magistrate are, it seems, venal, vindictive, and occasionally drunk. Magistrates' Clerks steal the fees, and of course, Dublin Castle is a sink of iniquity. All this very sad. But fancy, if I were an Irishman, I would leave to others the exposure of the hope- less character of my countrymen. Just on the stroke of half-past twelve, when Walter James came in and made the import- ant and surprising discovery that Irish Mem- bers had been engaged in wilful obstruction. At this insinuation Mr. Healy shocked, Mr. Arthur O'Connor surprised, Mr. Sexton wounded to the quick. This made three more speeches; but, as the work was done, Childers bowled out, the Government spited, the House flouted, the natural curiosity of the Army baffled, and the night wasted, they were short. Business done.—Absolutely nothing. Tuesday Night. — Abandoned by Balfour, having shown the Wolff to the door, and having given up the Gorst, Randolph still preserves a light heart. It is said that since he must be a Party, and since the original founda- tion has been broken up, he is "going for" Mr. Parnell's place. Randolph leading the Irish regiment, supported by Lieutenant Biggar, Adjutant Finioan, and Captain Realy, would be a pleasing sight. Fancy there must be some- thing in it. At any rate Randolph looked very much at home to-night standing at the corner of the front bench below the gangway, once consecrated to sweet communings with Ms earlier Party, but now deserted save for the gallant Dawson. Behind were ranged the Par- nellites pleased with the propinquity of a live Lord, and generous, not to say riotous, in their applause. In times past the Fourth Party have made it a point of honour to listen to each other's speeches, as well as to back each other's Bills. It was odd to see Randolph standing ■ ■ here alone. "Like Casabianca on the burning deck," said Sir Wilfrid Lawson. "Like Witherington in 'Chevy Chase,' " said Earl Percy (who prides himself on his personal resemblance to "the stout Erie of Northumberland," and is said to wear armour in the recess); 'Wttherington, don't you know, the Party who fought on when he had lost the members that supported him: SOLO—L-RD B-C-NSF-LD Air—"La-di-da!" splendid jewel in her Can-da-har! Expensive Afghan jewel in her crown, Can-da-har! She wears a crown, If we give it up, there's ftuetta, (Lytton owns) as good or better; But then—where's our Imperial renown? Can-da-har! But then, where's our Imperial renown? i' For Witherington needs must I wayle, As one in doleful dumpes, For when his legs were smitten off He fought upon his stumpes.'" "Like his impudence!" Harcourt growled; for Randolph was girding at him lustily. 112 [March 12, 1881, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAPJVARI. Smart speech for Randolph. But not nearly so good as_ the Speaker's, delivered two hours later, when he said the Division must be taken forthwith. Business done.—Arms Bill read a First Time, by 188 votes against 26. Wednesday.—Talking etymology with the Home Secretary just now, he tells me of a new word added to the English language. It conies from Ireland, whence we have the verb "to Bovcott." New verb, "to Parnell.* "To parnell," Harcoubt explains, is to get people into a mess, and then to clear out yourself for fear of personal conse- quences. A man who "par- nells" is a man who clears out at the right time. "For ex- ample," Habcoubt said, kindly desirous of making it quite clear to me, "supposing the engine-driver of a passenger- train takes it into his head, that instead of slowly entering a busy station, he .will dash through it at full speed. When he comes within sight of the station he dexterously drops off, sending the train along. That is 'to parnell.' Much easier than saying he jumped off, and giving all the particu- lars." Second Heading of the Arms Bill moved. Went over to the Lords, and saw the Royal Assent given to the Protection Bill. Most exciting. Two Peers in plain clothes on the right-hand benches, two more on the left, and five in red gowns and wigs playing charades on a bench before the Throne. Thursday Night.—Gladstone back again. Came in holding his hat in his hand, and wearing on his head a black skull-cap. Re- minded me a little of a blind man I have somewhere seen in the same attitude. Everyone glad to see him back. Take him for all in all, he is the most important and comprehensive Bill introduced into the House of Commons for forty years. Irish Members, thinking he had been dull at home, obligingly got up a little row for him. By special permission of the Dublin Land League, John Dillon appeared at Theatre Royal, Westminster, for this night only. Fine dark-eyed, black-haired conspirator is John. Looks as if he really meant business. Healy more than ever vulgar The Speaker ''Taking' Chair. A Moment op Suspense. Tlte Judge then assumed the Black Cap, and sentenced Mr. Jlealy to be— suspended. by comparison. Everyone quite glad when Speaker laid Healy by the heels, and he was firmly but gently shown the door. When the critical moment arrived, the usual difficulty about the book containing the terms of the resolution of expulsion. All sorts of volumes handed up to the Premier by exerted colleagues near him, including a copy of Cavendish on Whtst, which accidentally lay on the table. At last proper book forthcoming. Quite touching to see the Premieb put on the Black Cap and sentence Mr. Healy to be suspended. House divided, Mr. Healy voting for himself. Showed no disposition to withdraw when the will of the House was declared. Captain Gosset began to feel for his sword, and the six elderly attendants (who are drilled day and night in one of the courtyards) put themselves in battle array. But no blood was shed. Mr. Healy, ordered by the Speaker to withdraw, rose, and, as'he passed the Chair, gave the Speaker a friendly nod, such as costermongers greet each other with on ceremonious occasions, and vanished, by the doorway. Glad to see no one has ventured to lay a hand on Mrs. Dawson. Gather this from finding Mr. D. here as eloquent as ever. It has already been officially announced that should anyone find irresistible impulse to lay a hand on his wife, they would have to take their pleasure sadly over the dead body of the husband. An Hon. Mem- ber says, one might stride over Mr. Dawson's dead body without knowing it. That does not affect the argument. Mr. Dawson not only here, but alive and speaking; would be A Corse if contingency above alluded to had happened; argal, Mrs. Dawson stiU safe, and Mr. Dawson lives to welcome Mr. Chaplin to "our ranks." Mr. Chaplin blushes with pleasure. The House roars with delight. Business done.—Mr. Healy suspended. Saturday Morning.—The daughter of the Czar is rich, and pro- bably is not to be tempted by a small coin of our realm, otherwise should be glad to give a penny for her thoughts as she has sat all night listening to the debate on Lord Lytton's Motion. By her sits the Duchess of Teck, with tiara of diamonds flashing in her hair, and pendant from her neck, another stream of light sparkling adown her black dress. Princess Mary, like score of Peeresses opposite, evidently thinks whole thing a bore. The Czar's daughter lis- tens eagerly, loses no word of the thun- derous eloquence of Lord Cranbrook, of the lighter raillery of Lord Dunraven, and of the'dark sayings of Lord Beacons- field. Perhaps with greater pleasure Her Royal Highness heard the Duke of Argyll demolishing everybody, and the gently-spoken but incisive speech of Lord Granville. Must have been pleasing to hear some of the things said about Russia and things Russian. But only keen in- terest could make possible sustained at- tention to these stupendous orations. Noblesse oblige! Lord Cbanbrook's speech was longer than the average oration of Mr. Biggab; and the Duke of Abgyix put Mr. Arthur O'Connor's verbosity to shame. But the success of the evening happened in the morning. As noble Lords streamed back into the House after the Division' cack- ling with delight as if they had laid an egg" (vide the works of a great novelist), Dizzy, his head in the clouds, by reason of this great triumph over the powers of the evil one, and musing on the coming restitution, when Benjamin shall have his own again, walked slowly to his old seat on the Ministerial Bench, whence but a year baek he, the mightiest Minister in Europe, was wont to speak. "An Omen! an Omen!" the Bishop of Petebbobough cried. It was worth stopping up till this hour of the morning to see the old warrior laugh when he discovered bis mistake. Business done.—Peers passed vote of censure upon Eastern policy of the Government by 165 votes against 76. 'The House Bose." "VIANDE DE CHETAL." It was decided long ago that horse-flesh was good to eat, and ever since the ingenious M. Geoffroy St. Hllaire brought it under the notice of his countrymen, it has been constantly eaten in France. In Vienna, Berlin, Hamburg, and Vilvorde in Belgium, horse is consumed in large quantities, but the taste for it does not seem to spread here; and a shop opened some years ago in Pimlieo as a restaurant wherein " Viande de Cheval" could be consumed, was a failure. True, at one or two big dinners given here and in Paris, gourmets spoke enthusiastically of "Potage au Consommi de Cheval," " Saucisson de Cheval^ "Cheval d la Mode" "Filet de Cheval," and even of "Salade Romaine a I'huile de Cheval," which last dish we should be inclined to hold, as Mr. Sapsea did himself, "in abeyance." But the taste for horse-flesh did not spread, nor is it likely to do so when the flesh of the noble animal is once more introduced to the public after the fashion adopted by a Mr. Bridge, a butcher of Man- chester. This ingenious individual was not content with offering horse-flesh for beef, but the animal had unfortunately died from disease of the lungs, and the carcase was unlit for food. This brought the enterprising experimentalist upon the digestions of the men of Manchester under the notice of the police, and Mr. Bridge has been condemned to the seclusion of a prison for the space of one calendar month. There in the intervals of hard labour he may ponder upon the old axiom that " honesty is the best policy;" and when next he tries to sell horse-flesh let him kill a fresh animal, and call it by its proper name. March 12, 1881.] 113 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. FROM THE RANKS. V.— Un-hansom Treatment. Sir, —There's a smart young chap who's known in the trade as "Vel- veteen Bob," because he 's a dandy, and sports swell togs. He was helped to a gorgeous new shoful - cab one day — a Forder with patent sashes and plated lamps, and a looking-glass in- side, and a flashy German silver tray for cigar -\ ash, which cost a \ ' Tirtim/1 nyirl lq pound, and is worth about ten- pence — topping, slap-up, and very expensive — and on the strength of it he mounted a crest upon his panels, to which he had no right, and invested in a new rug and a macintosh like driven snow (excuse poetry, because apt to a driver). All the old Ladies in Piccadilly waggled their umbrellas at him; but, bless you! he wouldn't take no notice. Down St. James's Street he trundled, in hopes of landing the Prince of "Wales at least, and loitered opposite White's. There was a fat swell, with wavy hair, in the bow-window, recovering himself with B.-and-S.. who stared at him with eyes like oysters. Presently, when he felt better, he came out, climbed into the cab, and sat there, speechless. "Where shall I drive, my Lord ?," aBks Bob. (He knew he was a Lord— his boots were so shiny.) But his Lordship was not well, and really didn't care. He took a dyspeptic view of life. "To any Club about!" he muttered faintly; and so he spent his after- noon. And so he spent all the rest of that season, Sir. Bob was ordered every day at eleven, at the rate of two guineas per dieni, and no night-work, with the option of putting up in his Lordship's stables till wanted, when the wind was too cold for his horse. You'll scarcely believe me, Sir, I daresay, when I inform you that Bob sat smoking his pipe in them stables sometimes till it was time to take my Lord out to dinner at eight p.m.! His cab had had no wear and tear, his horse had been gently exercised up and down the aristo- cratic thoroughfare, and fed on his Lordship's oats, while Bob had a cosy feed on his own account in the housekeeper's room. Hot, with cheese and celery, in a overgrown wine-glass. And this not once or twice, but four days out of six. Wasn't that a good berth to tumble into? And there are many of the smart, good-looking young fellows who have jobs like that. But in Bob's case he had too much of it. And we middle-aged coves as can't quite say we 're young or good-looking, were not so sorry as we ought to 've been. His Lordship went so hard at his London life that he broke down—got seriously ill—and collapsed like a spent balloon—could not get out at all. But like many invalids, ne liked to coax himself into the idea that his qualmish- ness would pass off, and that he 'd be better by-and-by. The cab wasn't allowed to stop in the stable now. It had to be a standing in front of the hall-door in all weathers—rain, snow, or sleet—lest my Lord might take a fancy, all of a hurry, for a drive, and Bob got sick a pacing up and down for ever. He spelt thro' the newspaper, read a book, with an occasional beseeching glance at his Lordship's bedroom-window, in hopes that he might really be coming out, or send him away. But there was my Lord crouched all of a heap, more goggle-eyed than ever, wrapped in a blanket, sipping gruel. Sometimes a pal would whisk by, and, jealous of the job, would jeer out, "Why, Bob, how's this? Are you cemented to that there paving-stone?" And then Bob, driven mad by the chipping, would ring the bell, and ask if he might go. Not a bit of it! His Lordship liked to see the cab, and there the cab must stand for his friends as came to sympathise to stare at over the window-blind. So in course of time Bob got the horrors—just as I do when I look at my second horse—and wanted to turn it up. The wurkuss would be a pleasant change from the monotony of this. He knew by heart all the stains upon the flags, all the grime-spots on the portico; watched the old milkwoman over the way growing stouter and more bald about her parting. He felt getting like Rip Van Winkle in the play I once saw when a gen'leman gave me an order for the gallery—moth- eaten and mossgrown and withered—and he didn't dare look up at his Lordship's window as time went on, for his Lordship was getting thinner and thinner and whiter and whiter, and more hollow-eyed as summer gave way to autumn, and the leaves came dribbling down. It seemed like some awful nightmare, and the poor young chap became quite melancholic and in a decline-like from mere depression of spirits, and terror of this slow death, and groaned every morning when it was time to get up, instead of springing out of bed as fresh as a daisy, and grooming the old horse as if it was a pleasure, and rubbing up the brass furniture till it winked again. His life was a burthen in spite of the two guineas per diem, and the grub tasted like bran—for there was my Lord fading, fading, like a crumpled-up ghost, and he felt it would be a relief if the colhn was to come round the corner with the mutes—let alone the sneers and the chips of his brother cabbies who were envious. But he wasn't such a fool as to give it up. He had lately married, and, just as a beginning, did all that his pretty young wife asked of him. She liked the cheque for twelve pounds every week, and spent a good deal of it on bonnets and baby-linen. Unfortunate coves like me, who, with a disreputable old growler, can't manage to scrape together more than fifteen shillings a day, out of which Sktsnttm wants eleven, must not think of bonnets, and must trust to the Firish for the linen when required; and so, in a friendly sort of way, told him not to quarrel with his porridge, or make too wry a face if it burnt his mouth a bit. And there he is still—grown serious and worn. You may see him any day—wet or dry—pacing up and down in front of that gloomy family mansion, blowing his fingers or whistling, or stamping with his feet—the miserablest man on the face of all creation—while his Lordship looks though the glass of the upper window, mumbling his cadaverous jaws over his gruel, or puffing at a little cigarette, gathering his blanket round with shrivelled fingers, as he looks wistfully down at the slap-up shoful that he 'I! never get into any more, and wonders at what hour he '11 go out. Respectfully yours, T. H. {alias Tommy the Toff). "-^ .£?■ "***.>v,, RARE BIRDS. Ornithoioqical "Hop" given to celebratf. tiie comino into Operation of the "Wild Birds' Protection Act. Chaffinch "not in it." "Welcome, Little Stranger!" A new journal, called the Cuckoo, is announced, to which we wish every success, at the. same time that we clear up a few misconcep- tions regarding its character. It will not be a " word of fear, nor particularly unpleasing to the "married ear," as its reports of Divorce and similar cases will not be as long and not half as minute as those of some of our contemporaries. It is quite time that the name of a bird should be given to a journal, when so many news- papers are busy earning the title of parrots. As there are old birds that are not to be caught with chaff, we hope this young bird will not be irritated by badinage. ARM! REFORM. Corporal Punishment is to be abolished, but every inducement is to be held out to Privates for obtaining the Stripes. 114 [March 12, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. INVERTED MAXIMS. "In the good fortune of our best friends we always find something which is not pleasing to us."—Roctefoucaui.d. Jim. "Ullo, Jack 1 Haven't seen you for an age, old Man. Tsll me, who is that lovkly Girl?" Jack. "Miss Bellingham Goldmore." Jim. "What, the great Heiress!" Jack. "On, it's only Twenty or Thirty Thousand a-year! But she 's as Clever as she's Beautiful, and'as Good as she 's Clever!" Jim {wlu> has lately married one of the Strong-minded Sisterhood). "IsayI He 's a lucky Chap that gets hsr, hay, old Man?" Jack. "I 'm glad you think so. She 's just engaged to be my Wife!" Jim. "I t I I I t I I I I I I" ON THE MANJUBA HILL. "They in vain tried to withstand that awful hail of lead. . . . Our poor fellows broke, and rushed for the crest in the rear."—Timet' Correspondent. They broke! All in vain that long climb through the night, Mute and breathless, o'er donga and boulder; In vain the stern stand and the desperate fight Of our Highlanders, shoulder to shoulder. The foes, five to one, and as brave as our best, Stormed up the steep ridges and crowded the orest. They broko! Clean and close shot the Dutchmen, and fast, Right and left, fell our men, dead or dying. What flesh could stand firm 'gainst that fierce fiery blast, That hot hail of bullets straight flying? They broke, sturdy Britons led blindly to death, Their thin lines swept flat as by Azrael's breath. They broke! Dauntless Stewart, stout Fraser in vain Their torn ranks might rally and muster; In vain did they gather again and again, Teeth set, in fierce knot and close cluster. They broke! Ah, the pain of that pitiful rush, Down the Spitzkop's steep ridges o'er boulder and bush! They broke! Whose the fault? Gallant Colley lies dead, Brave, generous, loved,—all men sorrow. To-day we must praise the slain heroes he led, We 11 portion the blame on the morrow. 'Tis scarcely disgrace to such foemen to fall. 'Tis pity such foemen are foemen at all! THEATRICAL NEWS. Mr. Booth, the American Tragedian, is to join Mr. Irving at the Lyceum, whore this programme is under consideration :— THE CORSICAN BROTHERS. Fabien dei Franchi I Mon., Wed., and Friday ) Mr. Irving. Louis dei Franchi , 1'ues., Thitrs., and Saturday \ Mr. Booth. mi m , r t ■ \ Mon., Wed., and Friday 1 Mr. Booth. The Ghost of Louts { j^,' ThursndSaiurday ) Mr. Irving. To be followed by Morton's celebrated Farce, entitled BOX AND COX. John Box {a Journey-) Mon., Wed., and Friday) Mr. Ikying. man Printer) \ Tues.,Thurs., and Saturday \ Mr. Booth. *Z2l&£r\ On the aoore nights J ^; Booth. Mrs. Bouncer .... Miss Genevieve Ward. Mr. Dillon's Speech. (Thursday, March 3.) His speech about Devoy was full of treason, Devoid alike of argument and reason. When Members cry "Divide!" the word employed By devoytees will t>e " Di-voy'd! Di-voy'd |' "Pauca Verba."—Trichinosis Notice.—" Pig-Stickers Beware!" PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—March 12, 1881. THE PIG THAT WON'T "PAY THE RINT!" March 12, 1881.] 117 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE PILOT AND THE PURL. ^SMmMMi TlMKINS THINKS HE 'LL "GIVE THE EMPRESS A LEAD! This is how he does it! LES AMBASSADEURS S'AMUSENT. (See the Times, March 3.) Francs. But who was she? Russia. I don't know from Eve, but she was the prettiest woman I have seen in this place. Greece. Is this business? Germany. Yes, of course it is. We mustn't do things in a hurry. Don't you think a little tobacco would help ns in our deliberations? Italy. Most certainly. I intend to have a cigar now. England. Is that one of those Cavours one gets in Rome P Italy. Not likelv. Try one of mine. England. Thanks. France. Don't you think that Turkish tobacco makes the mouth very dry P Russia. Turkish business does. [All laugh. Turkey. Then let us have some sherbet up! England. I haven't tasted sherbet since I was at senool, but if my memory serves me it is very nasty. [Sherbet is brought. Greece. The claims of the Greeks, Gentlemen, from the days of Homer England. Oh, don't go on that tack! If you had been flogged over Homes as often as I have, you would loathe his very name. Italy. Is anything more dreary than his catalogue ot the ships? Homer exists for schoolmasters. Germany. Of course. What wretched weather we 've been having! Turkey. It is consoling to reflect that it is worse elsewhere. Greece. Gentlemen, the descendants of Themistocles Italy. Oh, that was the man who held the pass of Thermopylae, or saw he did, wasn't he? England. No, surely he was an orator, or am I mixing him with Euripides? Germany. No, Euripides was the orator; Themistocles wrote plays. At least I think so. But you, Greece, can tell us. Greece. How on earth should 1 know? (Privately to England.) Do let us get to business! England. WeU, Gentlemen, I suppose we can knock off work for the day P I say, Greece, come in and take pot-hick one night this week. No ceremony, you know. Ta! ta! [Exit England. Greece (privately to Russia). What are you going to do for us? Russia. You '11 see. Don't be in a hurry. Look in any time you are passing. Good day! [Exit Russia. Greece (privately to Italy) . What is going to be done for us by you? Italy. What do you think? as Goschen says. Always something on in the middle of the day. Remember that. [Exit Italy. Greece (privately to France). You '11 of course be on our side? France. Do you know that it is four o'clock? By the bye there is always a spare seat at breakfast. [Exit France. Greece (privately to Germany). Will it be men or money? Germany. Ha! ha. Why don't you bring out a book of conun- drums? Well, good bye. Come and try that wine. [Exit Germany. Greece (privately to Turkey). Are you going to do anything? Turkey. Certainly. Greece. WeU. What? What? Turkey. Go home and have a nap. Good bye. That sherbet makes one feel sleepy. _ [Exit Turkey. Greece. I am hanged if I think one of these men is in earnest. I must write to Gladstone and call him Homer. It will please him, though I am blowed if I don't think he reads the Ihad with a crib. I must wire the Lord Mayor of London, and call him Themistocles. That will make him happy, though I am blowed if I think if he knows, any more than I do, who Themistocles was. What a lot of humbugs! [Exit Greece in a rage. 'Arry 'ad—for Once. Scene—Exterior of St. James's Hall on a Schumann and Joachim Night. 'Arry (meeting High-Art Musical Friend, who has come out during an interval, after assisting at Madame Schumann's magnificent reception). 'Ullo! What's up? What are they at now? Iligh-Art Friend (consulting programme). Let me see. They've done " Op. 13." Ah, yesf They 've just got to "Op. 44." 'Arry (astounded). 'Op forty-four! St. James's 'AH got a dancinMicence! Hooray 1 I 'm all there! I 'H go in for 'Op forty- five. What is it, a waltz or a polka? [Rushes to the pay-place. Sunday Pops.—If you want Sacred Husic, go to—Chappell. 118 [March 12, 1881, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. WHAT IS A "RUN"? This is not a Sporting Co- nundrum: no Fox hunter need reply. We allude to a The- atrical " Run." An eminent Musical Com- poser, an equally eminent Dramatist and Author, a Joint-Stock Company, a num- ber of distinguished Mana- gers and Actors, a Chancery Judge, and a host of Chancery Barristers, have been spend- ing much time and money within the last week, in trying to discover the exact meaning of the theatrical term "run." Dictionaries were searched in vain, and no wonder, as the theatrical profession has a jar- gon of its own. "Run" is a word used in dramatic circles to signify the number of consecutive per- formances of a certain piece at a particular theatre. It is used to represent as of equal importance the most dispro- portionate results. It is ap- plied to one hundred nights at a theatre not much larger than a furniture van, in the same sense that it is applied to one hundred nights at a theatre the size of a Roman forum. If the stage appealed to the imagination behind the curtain, as it sometimes ap- peals before the curtain, the poetical drama would not be such a rarity. PUNCH'S FANCY PORTRAITS.-NO. 22. ^» I Mr. John Dillon thinks that he will be one of the first to.be arrested under the Peace Preservation Act. His friends, it is said, share his present conviction. We hope they won't share his future one. V . \J^ .ti\.v THE EMPRESS OF AUSTRIA. We welcome her Majesty to England, while a plaintive Voice is heard in the distance, singing, "Come back to Erin, Mavourneen, Mavournecn!" A FEW PENANCES FOR LENT. Mr. Gladstone.—To super- intend the enforcement of the Irish Coercion Acts. Mr. Forster.—To assist in the forthcoming evictions. Mr. Bright.—To consent to the sending of further rein- forcements to the Cape. Lord Beaconsfield.—To read Endymion from beginning to end. Lord Shaftesbury.—To visit Hampton Court Palace on a Sunday. Lord R. Churchill—To re- constitute the Fourth Party. Prince Von Bismarck.—-To ;et well when he wants to be Mr. Goschen. — To make things pleasant between Tur- key and Greece. M. Rochefort. — To learn English. Mr. Parnell. — To under- stand French. M. Victor Hugo.—To keep his eightieth birthday seated in a draught at an open win- dow over again. Sir Evelyn Wood.—To wel- come Sir F. Roberts on his arrival at the Transvaal. Sir F. Roberts.—To explain matters satisfactorily to Sir Evelyn Wood. And [worst of all) the Irish Obstructionists. — To stay in their native country! CONSCIENTIOUS. Of course Sir Garnet Wolseley avoids any Churoh on Sunday where there's a sermon besides the usual morn- ing prayers. He still objects to long service. WITH THE WYNNSTAY. Punch to the Empress of Austria. A welcome to the Kaiserin, who rides so straight and well, -No other lady in the hunt from her may bear the bell; From Austria's old Imperial halls she comes to English land, And not a rider in the field has lighter bridle hand. So gallantly she races on through all the livelong day,— And who would shirk his fences when an Empress leads the way! The meet was fixed for Cloverley, the hounds were Watkin W ynn's, vSJ^JSS ftx was 9™^ found- and "Yo'icki!''awaVhVspins for Wilkesley like the wind, Past Ightfield on to Hall he ran iu But there upon the Course at Ash the hounds were close behind; &Ste**S7 m°' befo™ ««m "ed the fleet fox for his life-' In sooth it was a "crowded hour" of not inglorious strife. ™Sv™ith the ^22** Hlmt' and ever in tho van, Though Mlddleton and Bulxeley rode, as English sportsman can tEwI if fTan(l0Llh0urse ^ard Time*< *he Express sail'daway' The dark-blue habit shone for us an Oriflamme that day: 7' KSiSSJFrt fence--she flT the brook,-now sound the fox's knell And dot the cap, and hand the brush, the Empress wins so well I On the menu for Victor Hugo's banquet,—Irish Stew d la fran- Vise, sans Parnell Sauce, but with GrH-y. Not teth together. A TRIAL BY JURY. (By Our Own Illegal Reporter.) Author and Composer of R.M.S. Pinafore r. Opera Company, Limited. This was a peculiar ease. The Plaintiffs having made joint arrangements for a pleasant "run" together, were suddenly tripped up by the Defendants. They had not liked it, and so had brought the present action. On the case being called, Mr. Justice Fry, who took Ins seat on the Bench amidst several rounds of applause, which he acknowledged with repeated bows, notified his intention of taking the evidence on either side with proper musical accompaniment. . "*? C. Russell, O.C.. on behalf of the Bar, thanked his Ix>rdship in a few feeling and well-chosen words, for the suggestion, which, he a' he,th°u£ut would materially assist the progress of the case." A grand piano was then brought from the Exchequer Division, and, after a little good-humoured badinage in the well of the Court, was finally placed on the bench by the side of the Judge. Mr. Justice Fey.—I think if Mr. Sullivan will step up here, he can give me some substantial assistance: for while I weigh out justice^he can provide me with the scales. [_Laughter. Mr. W. S. Gilbert.—You want him, my Lud, I suppose, to teach you your own Notes. \_Roars of laughter. A Juryman here rose and said that if the Plaintiff would not only mind his own business but undertake also to teach them theirs, they would be happy to sing an opening chorus. Mr. Justice Fry (addressing the Foreman).—Then you propose to supply_ us with a musical box t Well, Gentlemen, I am quite agree- able; but I think, if you '11 permit me, I may as well first tell you How I came to be a Judge. Mr. North, Q.C., on behalf of his clients, objected. They came there prepared to tell the Bench how they came to be producers of Comic Opera. Mabch 12, 1881.] 119 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. STRANCERS i lllll!||| ii\ ill ! il.iiiljiuniili'.l S TO|i}iM!|i;iP^!f!i|i!l1,!l!?:!!i' A LOOPHOLE." Visitor (who'is leaving). "But I see here— (pointing to bill)—that it's strictly forbidden!" Waiter (for Self and Page, ifcc). "An, but we never made no Stranger of you, Sir, 'm sure, Sir!" {Usual result I Mr. Justice Fry.—Very well, brother North. (Laughter.) I am not in very good voice, so am quite agreeable. By all means, let Mr. Sullivan take his place at the piano, and Mr. Gilbert stand on the Clerk's table, and give us a verse or two. [Prolonged applause, during which Mr. Sullivan teas assisted over the Counsels' heads, on to the Bench, while Mr. Gilbert mounted the table amidst some vociferous banter from friends at the back of the Court. Mr. W. 8. Gilbert said:— When we, good friends, discovered that " Fame" Spelt " impecunious party," We winked to each other, and said, "This game Is a vast deal too High-Arty." So we turned in our minds to Ages Ago, And to Serjeant Bouncer's fury, Cut Handel and Shakspeaee, and stormed Soho With a new sort of Trial by Jury. The Plaintiffs were about to proceed with a second verse when Mr. Russell interposed. He said he did not see the good of con- tinuing this. They were met there this morning for the sole pur- pose of having a good stare at a whole host of theatrical celebrities, and he was most anxious for his part to produce his thirty odd like- nesses at once. Mr. Justice Fry.—Certainly, Mr. Russell; let them all stand in a row on the Bench. I should like to have a look at them myself. Which is Mr. Bancroft? Mr. Russell.—You shall see him, my Lud. (2b the Usher.) Show Mr. Bancroft to a Public Box. [Loud laughter. Mr. Bancroft then entered the witness-box. He said a company of Walking Gentlemen could manage a run between them. He had seen it done. One of the best runs he ever had was with a Hare at the Prinoe of Wales's. Cross-examined.—Yes, he had known a run cut short from simply doing his duty. He did not mean absolutely his own duty—but somebody else s. A volcano in the pit of a theatre need not stop a run. All the manager would have to do would be freely to admit paper into the crater after seven, and send down the prompter with the book in a fire-escape. Mr. Justioe Fry.—Excellent. Now let's look at somebody else. Mr. John Hollingshead was then examined. He had never stopped the run of a piece in his life. On the contrary he had acted on the principle that a piece that couldn't run, and wouldn't run, ought to be made to run. He managed that very simply. He never, if he could help it, allowed a piece to try to run without legs. (Laughter.) Mr. Justice Fry.—I suppose, Mr. Hollingshead, you see no 'arm in that? \_Roars of laughter. Mr. Arthur Sullivan was the next witness. He said he was first led away from the paths of virtuous High-Art oratorio-writing by a gentleman who did the libretto of Cox and Box. He would Erefer not to mention names. Regretted it exceedingly. Yes, he ad. not stopped there. Meeting with his brother Plaintiff in the present proceedings, they had gone step by step further away from the Albert Hall. (Here the Witness was visibly agitated.) Had, he admitted, found this " descensus Averni" remunerative. Oratorios, as a rule, did not run anything like five hundred nights, and so were never very satisfactory to the composer. He should say that the market-price of a first-class oratorio, fully scored, with the band parts copied out, would be about £4 10*. [Sensation. Cross-examined.—It was easy to stop the run of an oratorio. H you didn't pay the band, and the chorus, and the organist, and the principal singers, and the conductor, an oratorio would not run long. Being asked whether, notwithstanding this, he was sorry to have met with Mr. W. S. Gilbert, the Witness burst into tears, and, amid a scene of indescribable confusion, was carried out of Court. After a few minutes' consideration, the Jury returned a verdict for the Plaintiffs. Mr. Justice Fey.—Well, Gentlemen, that will be sixpence to each of you! ,. Upon the verdict being known, all concerned in the proceedings joined in a break-down dance and patter-chorus, the Plaintiffs handsomely announcing their intention of giving the Jury a cold luncheon on the damages. 120 [March 12, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SEASONABLE ADVICE TO ALL. Says Aaron to Moses, "I 've got Trichinosis!" Says Moses to Aaron, "You shouldn't Pork fare on." THE MILITARY CORRESPONDENT OF THE FUTURE. Me. Punch, feeling the full weight of the recommendation of H.R.H. the Duke of Cambridge, that Newspaper Correspondents at the seat of war should reveal no secrets of military importance, has engaged his "Own Special Special." That Gentleman has been requested to send only such intelligence as can be given to the public tcitlwut injur;/ to British interests. The following is the first communication that has been received from him :— Head- Quarters. Here I am. I cannot tell you exactly where, because that would be playing into the hands of the enemv; nor can I give vou any date, for the same excellent reason. Doubtless you would like to learn the number of forces under the General's command. But then, '' which General?" you might ask, and I certainly should be unable to satisfy you. So if I cannot give you the name of the chief officer, it woula be absurd going into details about the force he has the honour to command. In this I am sure you will agree with me. You want to know, no doubt, how we are off for infantry, and I frankly admit that I have means of gratifying your curiosity to the utmost. But then patriotism steps in and bids me hold my pen. If I gave you our "field state," it would be published in the morning in London, to find its way over here before the close of the same evening. So you see that I should be guilty of a great breach of duty if I said a single word upon the subject. I may hint, however, in the most guarded manner possible, that perhaps we have one battalion, perhaps two hundred dozen. I must leave you to decide which number is most likely to be with us. This will be a little exercise for your intelligence and ingenuity. As to cavalry, you can scarcely expect me to say much about them. As you know the duty of mounted soldiers is to act as scouts. In a pitched battle they sometimes charge. Of course such a force would be useful here, as it would be useful anywhere. But have we such a force? And here you press me too closely. I must respectfully decline to say another word on the subject. I trust you will appre- ciate -this reticence. If your readers are disappointed, they must console themselves with the reflection that what Tdo is done for the best. Artillery, too, is not an uninteresting topic. There are many, no doubt, who would like to learn whether we have any guns with us. Perhaps we have, perhaps we have not. If we have, our cannon can scarcely fail of securing attention sooner or later. Sooner or later, I repeat; and heartily hope that by fixing this date I have not been guilty of indiscretion. Should you have any doubt upon this point, please show my despatch to a military expert, and. be guided by his opinion upon the subject. You will not offend me by cutting the passage out. Send remittances—which are "the Sinews of War "—addressed to me Paste Restante, Rue Jean Jacques Rousseau. I will take care that it shall reach me safely. In the meanwhile do not be surprised at finding the envelope of this letter bearing the Paris post-mark. As I have already told you, and as I tell you again, my chief object in life is to puzzle the enemy! OUR ADVERTISING WEATHER FORECASTS. Monday, Daytime.— Bright, clear, and sunny. Temperature delightful for out-door exercise in London and oountrjr all day. Same on coast. Same everywhere. (N.B.—Fine opportunity for tailors' and dressmakers' adver- tisements—Cut your cloth according to your weather.) Evening.—Capital wea- ther for going to theatres, whether walking or driv- ing. (N.B.—This should be a good opening for theatrical advertisements. Accommodating weather forecasts being guaranteed, so that everyone can book a month in advance.) 2'uesday, Daytime.—A trifle unsettled. Showery. (N.B.—Here could come in umbrella-makers' adver- tisements. Open to com- petition. Also waterproof- coat-makers and mackin- toshists can apply.) Evening.—Queer. Dirty under foot. Slippery. Occasional pelting storms, wetting you through in a second. (N.B.—This is just to show what we could do if we liked. Theatrical Managers, beware !) Wednesday, Daytime.—Dull in town, but delightful at Brighton, Ramsgate, Margate, Sunbury, Putney, Surbiton, Kempton Park, &c, &c. (N.B.—First-rate opportunity for advertising excursion trains, race meetings, &c, &c.) Evening.—Murky and unpleasant in London. Charming at Crystal Palace and Alexandra. (N.B.—Evident chances for advertisers.) ROYAL PRACTICAL JOKE. We are delighted to see that our beloved Queen is in excellent spirits. Nothing, for a long time, has given us greater pleasure than reading in the Court Circular of Thursday last how Her Gracious Majesty assembled a Counoil at Windsor, and then, when the gravest possible business was being transacted,— "Her Majesty pricked the Sheriffs at the Council." How those Sheriffs (bless 'em!) must have jumped and roared again! and how Earls Spencer, Sydney, and Mr. John Bright— who were "aU there "—must have screamed with laughter. Ah! to quote Mr. Terry, in AU Baba, "We are a merry (Royal) Family—we are !—we are!' FROM THE LOBBY. If the Solicitor-General for Ireland is, according to Mr. Dawson, "The Junior Freshman of the Ministry," Sir W. V. Haroourt, it is said, has already come out as " Senior Wrangler." Academical.—Combine the two Colleges, Girton and Newnham, under the title of "The Sister University." £3T To CoRnirsrownwrs.— The Alitor dfies not hold htiiself boun>t to actnovtedat, rtrun, or pan for Contributions. stawixil and directed envdopt. Copies thou Id be kept. In no cast can these be returned unless accompanied >j • March 19, 1881.] 121 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. FAUST AND FURIOUS. (A NidU uiC Btrlioz, and an AfUrnoen with Three Popular Performers.) The Musical Public is now paying Berlioz nothing more than what it barely owes him. His Faust is a grand work. Why in Oratorio or in the musical rendering of a Dramatic Legend is it necessary for the performers to keep the words-and-music-books in their hands r Of course, singers are required to hold their notes, but not in this way. Is their memory so very defective that, no matter how often they may have sung their parts, they cannot get on without these partitions f Is it a greater effort to remember a dramatio legend, or an Oratorio, than an Opera? Fancy on the operatio stage the Artists going through an Opera holding the score of each Act before their eyes, or Mr. Irving, Mr. Booth, and Miss Ellen Terry playing Othello with books of the play in their hands! The book of a Dramatic Legend which is to be sung and not acted, should not be inter- spersed with Stage directions. For example :— Part I., Sc. 1—" They disappear in the air." They—Messrs. Lloyd and Santley—don't do anything of the sort: they sit down quietly on each side of Mr. Halle. Again— They are borne through the air upon Faust's cloak. This applies to the same gentlemen, who simply resume their seats, and the only air they are taken through is the one conducted by Mr. Halle, and played by the Orchestra alone; and a most balmy air it was. The Hungarian March is effective; the " Gaude- amus igitur!" disappointing; and there is nothing to equal Gounod's Soldiers' Chorus. Miss Mary Davis, charming as Marguerite, is the only one of the performers who appears in proper costume. If not quite the Mar- guerite dress, it was a sufficient indication of it, and the idea might be adopted by Mr. Lloyd and Mr. Santley, who, in future, could suggest a notion of the characters they are assuming by appearing in a portion of the appropriate costume. As Mephistopheles, Mr. Santley could be in evening dress as far as the waistband, and then he could be continued in tights a la Mefisto; and Mr. Lloyd as Faust might reverse the notion, and come out in dress trousers, with doublet, cloak, and collar. A propos of costume, in the present libretto Faust is evidently particular as to his dress, the Author having made him ask Mephistopheles, "What boots to-morrow, Fiend?" To which inquiry, however, his diabolical companion returns no answer, implying by his silence that the To-morrow will come— never. The most stirring, most dramatic, and, we should say, the one Ma. Santley as Mephistopheles. "The Prince of Darkness is a gen- tleman." — Lear, Act III., sc. 4. St. James's Hall6 condtjcttno Mephistopheles And Faust THROUGH THE AlR. song likely to achieve permanent popularity, is the diabolically reck- less serenade of Mtphtstopheles. It was magnificently given by Mr. SunxET—that is, it was magnifl-santley sung. Mephistopheles in evening dress really gave this serenade with such an infernal relish that it would not have surprised us had he afterwards hopped about the platform, like Barnaby JRudge's raven, shrieking out at the top of his voice, "I 'm a devil! I 'm a devil! I 'm a devil!!" There was, indeed, a sort of satanio eagerness displayed by Mr. Santley as Mephistopheles, in run. ning off the platform after Mr. Lloyd as Faust, which, though no doubt only the effect of their botn Madame Schumann and Herr Joachim doino together. being in a hurry to catch a last train, or to a+oid the crush, sug- gested something terrible at the finish. Probably Mephistopheles caught him up at the door, and said, "I'm going your way; I'll take you." The last part is the best of all, barring the serenade above-men- tioned. The wild weird ride is thrillingly exciting. Then comes the climax:— Mephistopheles. His soul is mine for evermore! Faust [naturally enough). Oh horror! [" They plunge into the abyss"—I.*., Messrs. Lloyd and Santley sit down comfortably, the former occupying his time agreeably enough in talking to Miss Davis. The Dramatic Legend ends with an Epilogue and a chorus of Celes- tial Spirits, followed by loud acclamations from a delighted audience. Last Saturday Madame Schumann gave us " her last appearance (but six) "—to quote the advertisement, which reads like a sort of stage "aside." Were the line written dramatically it would be— High Art-hur Chappell (ahud). Her last appearance !!!—(wink- ing aside)—but six. [Exit slily. Her reception was enthusiastic, as usual. Yet there is always a certain shade of melancholy that must tinge the pleasure of any one who assists at a concert of celebrities, arising from the fact, not of it being their last appear- ance bar six (why not "bar six" when speaking of musicians, Mr. Chappell, or is it too sporting ?)—but of being present for the sole purpose of witnessing their execution! Boldly, yet modestly, Ma- dame Schumann, Herr Joachim, and Signor Piatti stepped on to the scaffold— we mean the platform—and their execu- tion was as glorious a triumph as that of any Martyr of Penzance—no, Mr. Sul- livan, we should have said Antioch. The Martyrs of Penzance would be a Ritualistic Opera. The selection on Saturday deserved to be murdered rather than justly executed, it being about the dullest thing we 've heard for some time. By way of relief, a pale young gentleman of feeble appearance, but with a fairly strong voice, sang Handel's light and airy trifle, "Revenge Timotheus cries, which had quite an enlivening effect. We recommend everyone to go to all "the Last Appearances but Six "—(why stay away from the six, though? eh, Mr. Chappell ?)—of the gifted pianiste, Madame Schumann. A Little Afternoon Pi- atti—Small and Early. The Voting Market. What are called the "legitimate expenses" of elections yield some curious results, and show that the cost of Voters varies like the cost of beef or labour. At Oldham a good substantial Liberal voter could be had for \(ul., while a Tory cost 1«. Grf., and the same artioles at Wolverhampton cost respectively 2s. 2d. and 16*. Id. At Hackney Radicals were as low as 10[d., and Conservatives as hig i as 8«., and in nearly every borough the Tories were considerably higher in price than the Liberals. The nearest approach to an equality was at Manchester, where the Liberal fetched 4*. 2id. and the Tory is. lljrf. These are the lowest ready-money prices for the political article, and no reduction is made on taking a quantity. vol. lxxx. 122 [Makch 19, 1881. PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE APPALLING DIFFUSION OF TASTE. Much as he hales a joke, Sir Pompey Bedell has a still greater loathing for Nature, Poetry and Art, which lie chooses to identify with Postlethwaite, Maudle, «. K VN ^» Svi a. w c \ «s> ^ Monday Night, March 7.—Sir "William Harcourt in charge of the Arms Bill in Committee to-night. Had evidently made up his mind to falsify designing rumours current to the effect that he is of a rasping disposition. People say that he would sacrifice the Minis- try for the success of a joke, and that if the passage of a Bill in which he was concerned depended upon his smothering a retort, he would let the BUI perish. "It is my business as Home-Secretary," he is reported to have said, "to put down crime. Homicide, fratricide, matricide, and suicide, I punish; and shall I myself commit jokicide?" This is an invention of some enemy. As to the character sketched above and assigned to Habcottrt ail a mistake. He is the mildest mannered man that ever had charge of a Coercion Bill. Mr. Forster by comparison looms through the lurid light of Irish denunciation as a relentless tyrant. Sir William brought down with him to-night a delicate little cough which played a large part in the proceedings. When Mr. Healy accused him of having never been in Ireland, he gently coughed, as who should say, "How can you expect a man with a delicate chest like this to cross the Irish Channel ?" _ When he was not speaking, he sat with hands folded before him and head leaned backwards, so that he_ might.with sweet expression, regard the illuminated roof that reminded him of a home far away, where the meek and long-suffering shall find rich reward. If he had to refuse any of the many demands made, he did it with an expression of pain that showed how deeply it wounded him to hurt an Irish Member. If he gave, he gave with both hands, adding grace to bounty. Whether speaking or silent, standing up or sitting still with this far-away look in his eyes, he was a touching spectacle, a sight that softened even Mr. Healt. As for Mr. Bigoar, he was simply spell-bound. Sat silent, staring at the Right Hon. Gentleman, and never so much as opening his mouth—in itself no small victory. Some talk of Irish Members signini at the rules there. Business done.—Aims Bill in Committee. First Clause agreed to. uum—in jLscii iiv sin.in *iuiui> . uviiik: Ulltv Ul jliadu JUHUWB iga petition to the Premier, asking him to place Mr. Forstsr j Home-Office, and give to them the gentle creature who now 124 [March 19, 1881, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Tuesday Night.—Never saw such a row in my life. Yes, once before, when I paid an official visit to a hospital for dogs, and they howled, barked, and whined with envy to see me walking about without a chain or other bondage, and apparently in good health. Mr. Finigan began it. When he rose, for the two-hundred-and- oneth time, Members opposite gave vent to their feelings in a pro- XlIB (JBOSS BiNOHHS. rh. Mr. Finigan, highly sarcastic and effusively polite, this break in their silence, which he alliteratively and longed sigh welcomed tl Dan-O'Connelly described as "beastly bellowing." Then up rose the Chairman, and his battle-cry " Arder! Arder!" rang through the House. Mr. Finioan more polite than ever. If he could oblige the Chairman he would withdraw; but what i—any particular word the Chairman fancied? If so, here was Mr. Finigan. with his head persuasively on one side, and his syllables longer and more sweetly drawn out, ready to withdraw. Then up jumped Mr. Callan, as if shot out of a catapult. Came up with loss of breath and a little indistinct in speech. Up jumped Mr. O'Donnell, also Mr. Healt; whilst in the background Mr. Biggar observed, shouting at the top of his voice, and with outstretched hand attempting to still the tumult, so that Joseph Glllis might oome to judgment. Also the Chairman on his feet answering Mr. Biggar's signals with similar deprecatory waves of the hand, and lustily calling out " Arder! Arder!" as if it were an incantation. All through which the Home Secretary sat medita- tively stroking his chin, and looking on reflectively. Members in Irish quarter constantly popping up and down. Presently all elected to stand, and shout together. Finally gave way whilst Mr. O'Donnell faced the Chair, unflinchingly receiving at short range the persistent ory of " Arder! Arder!" In the end, or in the middle, or three-quarters along, or some- where or other, no one oould say exactly where, Mr. 0'Donnell was "named," and the Hoke Secretary promptly moved the Resolution for his suspension. Then the fight began again. Irish Members, by way of change, remained seated, putting on their hats and shouting away in chorus at the Chairman, who, thanking Heaven for the length of the table between him and them, bene- volently regarded them through his spectacles. Mr. Biggab wanted to shout with his hat off, but that, it appears, would be an offence against the Constitution. Mr. Biggar did not care a hat for the Constitution. But his friends, careful for the possibility of his continued at- tendance on Parlia- mentary duties, in- sisted upon his having a hat. Then fresh difficulty arose. Nobody's hat would fit Biggar. All too small; pressed them down—wouldn't go; ■ n a «m • ,, -r stuck on one side- fell off. Where is Mr. Leahy t Great rush for Mr. Leahy. Captured his hat; stuck it on. Almost total disappearance of Mr. Busbar. From under the canopy, with the rim of Mr. Leahy's hat resting on his nose, Mr. Biggar heard shouting, "Mr. Playfaib! Mr. Playfalr!" Sir Charles Forster, wakened by the row, thought he had tumbled into the hat, and wanted Chairman of Com- LOSINO HIS 1U.IU A Itrtrait if Mr. Biggar in tAit tiU. mittees to drag him out by the legs. Didn't offer to go to the rescue. At last O'Donnell comfortably suspended, Mr. Finigan renewed his remarks at the precise place where he left off when, as he says, " an un-tow-ard circumstance a-rose." Business done.—Mr. O'Donnell suspended. Thursday Night.—Speaker rather spoiled sport to-night with his objections and rulings-out. Thirty-three Amendments on the paper and promises of as many divisions. If they had all come off the Aquarium would have been nowhere. Unhappily less freedom here than over the way. No one interfered to rufe particular glass balls out of order, and the shooting went on as per programme. Here the Speaker ruled out more than half our amendments, and by conse- quence deprived us of as many divisions. But on the whole can't complain. See now whence word "legislation" derived. To-night our legis- lation began with legs and ended there. T. B. Potter fell out early. Says he is out of training, and, indeed, has never been the same man since he went to America and ate so many dinners in the interest of Free Trade. Briggs, on the contrary, in at the finish. Says he is half-a-stone lighter since Coercion Bill was brought in; calculates he will be quite thin before Third Beading of Land Bill. Rather hot in the lobbies. Service of attendants with buckets of iced water and sponges with which they wiped our faces as we passed in the successive laps, very acceptable. Mr. Leahy says he has ordered tights for the Land Bill. Aluch cooler and better for walk- ing in; only question as to whether Speaker will " take notice " of the costume in the House. Speaker so very particular. But Irish Members never at a loss for Amendments. Mr. Leahy will add to the original Resolution a long, loose cloak, in which he will envelope his graceful form on entering the House after a division. "Prevent him getting cold, too," he says. Gladstone did not miss a lap, and never far out of the first flight. Cast off flis black skull- cap as he warmed to the work, and has not since put it on. On Tuesday he threw the Lord Advocate into a condition of speechless terror by suddenly appearing on the Treasury Bench without his cap and with streamers of sticking-plaster waving on his crown. Had run in hurriedly when the row commenced about O'Donnell, and forgot to put on his cap. To-night streamers have been decently nipped off, and the Premier looks so little like as 2 he had ever felt a wound, that we expect >rHE Sekoeant-at. every moment to hear him jest at scars. Arms; on Black All over by midnight. Then affecting scene Beadle o'n the between Parnell and Home Secretary. A Floor of the sucking dove quite a ferocious creature as House. compared with Parnell. Home Secretary visibly affected. Thinks of residing some part of every year in Ireland. Business done.—Arms Bill as amended reported to the HooM. Friday Night.—Thought we were to go home as soon as the Coer- cion Bill was passed. We have been at it nine weeks now, and one gets to feef a little tired. But as soon as the figures in the final division are announced, and everyone wants the Protection of the Arms of Morpheus, here is Sir John Lubbock, rising with calm and murderous intent to discuss ancient monuments. My ideas a little mixed with hearing so many speeches, and my.legs a little stiff with ?oing through so many divisions. But gather, generally, that Sir ohn's back has been put up by remarks made about the Griffin. Wants to see it preserved, and hints that Chancellor of Exchequer should pay up for some extra policemen. Gladstone says no objec- tion to their preserving the Griffin, especially if they will put it m a jar and hide it away on a shelf. At present it jams the traffic in the highway. Mr. Stanhope fiercely attacks Mr. Gladstone. Peter appears as mediator. Mr. Sergeant Simon lets out that he thinks the Giants' Causeway is an ancient monument, and eloquently pleads against its disturbance by a railway being driven across it. House crumbles away like one of the most ancient of monuments, and when the division is taken, it is found the majority is against the Premier. Wild cheering from the Opposition. Sir Stafford Nokthcote with great difficulty prevented from immediately taking his seat on the Treasury Bench. Business done.—Arms Bill read a Third Time. Ancient Muuu- ments supported by 79 against 56. a voice from a veteran. What is the use, demands an " Old Soldier" of year MWiaagiM Army Organisation? Wait till you are drawn into an European war, and then let your Army be licked into shape. March 19, 1881.] 125 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. NOTES FBOM THE DIARY OF A CITY WAITER. "Whenever I sees a poor Chairman, as I sometimes do, a strug- gling in vane to get out a few simple sentences, and looking so hot and nervous that all we Waiters quite pities him, it reminds me of my own feelings when I once attempted the post of Toast Master. It happened this ways. Arkeh was took ill, and sent word at the last moment that he couldn't come, so I kindly wolun- teered, and pretty ner- vous I was, to be sure. My first slip was in giving out Grace, whioh I did by saying, "Crave silence for John Jobis!" Oh, didn't they laugh. However that was a slip any waiter might make, for we 're not supposed to know French. But, as ill luck would have it, when I had to call for silence for the Chairman, I had rolled up the long list of toasts and was flourishing it about, as I had seen Aeker do, when just as I said, "Crave silence for the Chair," I brought my roll down with a bang, right upon the Chairman's shining bald head, so smartly too that it made quite a report! I was soon bundled out, and didn't show myself there again for many a long day. It wasn't of much consequence in a purfessional pint of view for it was only the Butchers' Gill, and the Butchers isn't quite A 1. They acshally sumtimes asks their friends to dinner and gives 'em nothink but beef stakes, yes, beef stakes, cooked in every possible way, and in almost every impossible way, and some on 'em nas the face to say they really likes it. It's astonishing what things people will say at the dinner-table. Even the most particular of men seems to allow theirselves a large amount of sauce peckont on these occasions, espeshally over very old Port. I think Port's a much wickeder wine than Claret. {Signed) Robert. WHO WILL HAVE IT P "A Vacancy in the Office of Black Rod is expected before long," says Truth, and as the post is one of the few good things" left, there will probably be an ugly rush for it. The place, however, is by no means a sinecure. In addition to the necessity he is under of wearing black silk stockings in winter, cleaning the brasswork of the Throne on Saturdays, teaching deportment to Peers under sixty, and sharing any perquisites he may pick up in the Strangers' Gallery with the policeman on duty and the Sergeant-at-Arms, Black Rod is expected to know the cab-fares from the House to every part of the Metropolis, the latest odds for the Derby, and, when they are in season, the price of oysters. Add to this, that he is not allowed to drink beer in the lobby, and that when the Lord Chancellor dies on the Woolsack, he is called upon to pay the whole of the funeral expenses, and provide suitable mourning for the Junior Bar, it will be seen that £7000 a year, if an adequate, is not an out-of-the-way figure for the duties of the office. Anyhow, whoever gets the post. Sir William Knollts "being well over eighty, and very feeble, bis retirement at least seems judicious. Parliamentary Politeness. It is doubtful whether any Government can be successfully carried on in a tone of pompous sarcasm, and certainly the Seldom-at-Home Secretary would do weU to use the word "Convict" a little less fre- quently. No one knows better than he does that it is not a term to yjply to political prisoners. There are many people who might call Charles the First a gaol-bird, but then they speak with no weight of official authority. "Rugged Independence."—{A definition suggested by some recent Reminiscences.")—The habit of mind induced by the failure to secure a genteel independence. OUR LITTLE GAMES. Cress (Checkmate). Tbav and Bawl. EVELYN'S DIARY. {Advance Sheet.) March 10.—Reinforcements on their way! Started! Hooray! Celebrate the news by a breakdown by myself behind a donga. Caught by my Aide-dc-Camp. Never mind. Feel I shall have my chance at last. Must look up details. Meantime, Mem.—to learn a few phrases which I can air at champagne lunch with the Dutchmen to-morrow. Hope they understand meaning of "Armistice." Wonder what it is in Dutch? How about stoppenshoots f March 15.—All details out! A pretty go this! No chance for me, after all. Roberts coming. Well, anyhow that's a nasty one for Sir Garnet. But they might have kept Newdigate out of it. What's the good of being a local Major.-General? However, every- body very kind, specially the Dutchmen. Asked 'em a riddle about it at lunch. Q. What's the emptiest handed thing in the Service? A. A full Colonel. Explained this to a friendly Kaffir later. He roared. Still, haven't yet got over the details. To sleep, hammering out verses of a new Comic of my own,—title, " The Morse Ouardi Job." March 16.—Wake up singing chorus— For the Duke does La-di-da, And sends out fighting Hob; So you don't know where you are With your Horse Guards' job! Translated this after breakfast to friendly Kaffir. Roared, it is good. Shall try it on Boer Commissioners to-morrow. Suppose Strange reports, by home mail, about possible "pacific attitude." Don't like this. Where will be my chance, I should like to know, if we have to knock under. Newdigate was bad. This is worse. April 1.—Hooray! Roberts at last! Splendid sight, the advance. But what have they done with their bayonets? Olive branch in the muzzle of every rifle! Look like the fellows who came after Macbeth! Explained this to friendly Kaffir. Roared. 'Ask Roberts what it means. Only winks. But there,—they can't have sent out * E. G.'s joke won't say. chance! The Modern "Speaker's Assistant."—Mr. Playfair. 126 [Maecii 19, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. LADYZTGATHEREMALL AT HOME. {Informal Introductions are beat—especially when formal ones are not forthcoming.) Ponsonby de Tomkyns (to Mrs. P. de T., who is artfully protruding a tiny foot). A. Bat. He'll only tread on it!" Mrs. Ponsonby de Tomkyns. "1 m "What 's the oood? His All Serenity 'a as blind , Ponsonby de Tomkyns. "I mean him to!" Ponsonby de Tomkyns. "What for?" Mrs. Ponsonby de Tomkyns. "Why, he'll have to apolooise, you Goose, and then But there, leave it all to me, {The august foreigner falls into the pretty little trap, and success croums Mrs. P. de T.'s endeavours'. there '■ a Darling!' AEMY ESTIMATES. General Foozle. What, do away -with our Colonelcies? May I never go to sleep again after my dinner at the Senior in an arm- chair, if the Service is not going to the dogs I—going to the dogs, Sir! Colonel Snooks (Shoreditch Highlanders). Quite right to give us the kilt! Hope they will quarter our men in Scotland some day. Should like to see our native country for onee in our lives! Major Muddle. What, make me resign because I am a Militia Major of seventy! Too bad! And when I expected to be a Colonel by 1890! Well everybody will go if this is passed! How can the Service get on without us? Captain Grey hair. Good! I'm to get my promotion at last! I see—six Field Officers instead of three! I suppose they will tell me off—to command the Band! Lieutenant Curleywig. Very proper. Quite so. Turn the Militia into Reserve Battalions. Gold lace instead of silver! Yes! Much prettier at a fancy ball! Fine force! Glad 1 belong to it I Sergeant-Major Fortyyears. Increased pay—increased position! No need to take a commission. Far sooner belong to my own mess! Sergeant Boneandsinews. Pension insured! Civil employment to follow! Shan't give up the Service for the present! The Army is looking up! Corporal Tenterfour. Going to make a couple of dozen of us K.C.B.'s! And why not? See what crack-shotshave done in South Africa! The Army is essentially a force of Volunteers! Private Thomas Atkins. Corporal punishment abolished! Well, I never cared to get hit stripes l Hang it if I desert until I have had another try! Maybe they will abolish the Defaulter's Book next! Well done our side! 5Foe Sale.—Second-Hand Gloves: only the Lefts can be guaran- teed. An instance of what Shakspeare calls " Maimed Rites." BEWARE OF THE WEED! "Collidine, the new alkaloid existing in tobacco, is a liquid a9 poisonous as nicotine, the twentieth part of one drop sufficing to paralyse and kill a frog." —The Times. The Chemists are at it again! Though the weed may be sweeter than manna, There still may be seen what they call nicotine In cigars that are made in Havannah. And now here 's a new aUxaloid, Collidine is the name,—it's surprising; 'Twill finish a dog, and, when ta'en by a frog, It will kill, after first paralysing. Away with the fearsome cigar! ^ And yet, stop! Collidine has been in it For years, if you please, so I '11 smoke at my ease ;— Give me back that havannah this minute"! An Astrological Hit. Some people continue to entertain doubts of Astrology. They should read Zadkiel's prophecy for the conclusion of last month :— "Parliament meets under favourable auspices, and farmers will benefit by measures of reform." Compared to the foregoing, perhaps, even among Zadkiel's " ful- filled predictions" there never was one which, in point of fulfil- ment proved so thoroughly out-and-out. M. Gambetta is a lover of harmony. It is rumoured that he intends producing an important musical"work on pianoforte studies, to be entitled, Le Scruttn de Liszt. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—March 19, 1881. SWW ll~ - A DIFFICULT PART. W. E. G. {at Hamlet). "THE TIME LS OUT OF JOINT ;-0 CURSED SPITE, THAT EVER I WAS BORN TO SET IT RIGHT ! "-Act I., So. 5. March 19, 1881.] 129 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Messrs. Crawl and Funker. "Where 's there a Bridge?" Second Whip {rather in a hurry). "Hain't niver a one for Miles /—Coom up, *Oss!" NO THOROUGHFARE. The complaints about the filthy City ditch called Lowest Thames Street have been uttered for twenty years without avail, and now the Corporation have invented a new line of defence. They refuse to remove or abate the nuisance, and seem to claim the power of removing the public. They contend that Lowest Thames Street is a market, and not a thoroughfare, and that Billingsgate must endure for ever, according to the sacred law of Vested Interests. This is a brilliant idea for the Duke of Mudford to copy. If the public complain—as they do complain—of Mud-Salad Market and its obstructions, the answer is, find other thoroughfares, as these are private property. When the reputed owners of markets have closed half the streets with muck, and the Black Sabbatarians have closed all the taverns, and when the Metropolitan Board of Works has ruined all the ratepayers in constructing fancy thoroughfares, the greatest city in the world will be a charming place to live in! HOW THE MONEY GOES. The Supplementary Estimates are out, and comprise some odd amounts. Why has the F. O. overshot its figure for telegrams by £13,400? That is a stiff sum, and means a good deal of talk. Is it possible that some friendly person at home has been preparing the Sultan's replies!' Lord Duffebin, too, seems to have been quite out in his ''furnishing" estimates. He goes beyond his mark by £1,800. His Lordship should evidently have fallen back on the "hire system." But the most mysterious item is Lord Cowper's "Equipage Money," amounting to £2,770. This looks like the capital of a Circus company, and a question on the subject might well be asked in the House. Indeed, all the items are curious. It is nevertheless satisfactory to find that with much judgment, no charge has yet been made for the feather-beds and fresh straw- berries supplied to imprisoned Land-Leaguers, and that neither Sir William Harcourt's Post-Office kettle nor Captain Gobbet's steel under-shirt figure in the list. The Fall of Wolseley. [Sir Garnet 'Wolsblby is to be banished to the Houm of Lords for thi remainder of bis natural life. Vide Public Prats.] "If I had served my country with half the zeal that I have served my Chief, he would not have pceraged me in middle-age." A PROSPECTUS. The utter want of a solely aesthetic paper having long been felt, it hath seemed good to certain Anti-Philistines to conceive a journal that shall fill the gap so long empty. Its name shall be The Lily. The proprietors will exclude from the columns of the Lily all that is known as "News;" also law and police-reports. The dreary verbiage called "The Debates," will be rigorously sup- pressed. Should, however, an appreciative rural nook choose to send one of the proprietors of the Lily to Parliament as its representative, that proprietor will be entitled to report his own speeches, at what- ever length he likes, according to the tariff of the Lily's advertise- ment columns. Each proprietor will be at liberty to contribute drawings, articles, and poetry to the Lily, and will reserve the right of criticising the same himself. The Lily, though meek and drooping, will wage a war of exter- mination against the scoffing, scurrilous journal known as Punch. It is finally resolved that the Lily shall be the only paper allowed to lie on the tables of the Oxford Union. "De Mortuis," &c. Thomas Carlyle is dead and buried. Dean Stanley called him a prophet, when he might have called, him an inspired Jingo; and Carlyle is said to have called Dean Stanley an old body-snatcher. Carlyle used the English language with a force and eccentricity that was happily peculiar to himself, but it is more than doubtful if he said half the things which were attributed to him in his lifetime. If he did say them, it would certainly be better now to let them be forgotten. He had a very poor opinion of George Eliot's powers. Carlyle was something more than a rude old gentleman, with a powerful tongue, who passed half his time in making people uncomfortable. high art below-stalrs. The modern Jeames of Bukley Square is going in for iEstheti- cism and Cultchaw. In his pantry he sits gazing on a lily in as old cracked blacking-bottle. He calls it the " Lily of the Valet." "Not in it."—Mr. Bradlacgh, M.P. for Nothingham 130 [March 19, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. "DUCKS" AT DURHAM. Cambridge is going to admit Ladies to the Tripos Examina- tions, and Oxford 'will one day have to imitate the liberality of the sister University by the side of the sluggish Cam. But more startling news comes from the North. Cambridge is not going to grant degrees, so that the "Sweet Girl Graduate" would be an unrealised dream, were it not that Durham has come to the rescue. The little University nestling under the shadow of that gTeat Cathedral of St. Cuthbert which looks so majestically down upon the Wear, is chivalrously coming forward to allow the young lady of the day to write the magic letters "B.A." after her name, and in due time, we suppose, to proceed to a Master's degree. An application has been made to the Senate of Durham University to allow women to compete for entrance Scholarships and to take a degree in Arts. If this is carried out, and it is said that there is every chance of it, we shall see a reform indeed. Saint Cuthbert's rest will be dis- turbed by the silvery laughter of lady Undergraduates, and the ghost of the venerable Bede will be on the look-out to prevent flirtations between the fair scho- lars and their masculine competi- tors. And when the Ladies go to Durham, won't there be a large increase in the number of male Undergraduates? Fortunate Tutors! Lucky Dons.! Happy Durham! OXFORD .SSTHETES. Undergraduates going in for the Peacock's Feathers must re- collect the fate of the Daw in the fable. He was plucked. PUNCH'S FANCY PORTRAITS.-NO. 23. PROFESSOR HUXLEY, LL.D., F.R.S., L.S.D., Professor of Natural History, Naturalist, Inspector of Fisheries, etc. "There is more in heaven and earth, 0 ratio, than is dreamt of in your philosophy" {so perhaps he '11 find it in the rivers). THE GO-TO-BED QUESTION. It is a great relief to Londoners to hear that the new Licensing Bill, said to be cut and dried in a pigeon-hole of the Home Office, is officially stated to be a rumour "without foundation." A new Licensing Bill that would ho- nestly grapple with a great social question, that would destroy the worship of the Sacred Jackass at Clerkenwell, and take the regula- tion of public amusements out of the hands of a mob of reactionary Nincomformists, would do some- thing for the most Dismal City in the world. Such a Bill, however, was never stated to have been in existence. Our governors were said to be contemplating another curtailment of personal liberty under which no London tavern was to be kept open after eleven o'clock at night. A return to the curfew-bell system would, no doubt, be agreeable to certain Nincomformist fanatics, but the country, we hope, is hardly in the humour for more Puritanical restriction. The Liberal Party will probably find out, one of these days, that the Nincomform- ist party are not their best allies, and that people want to do some- thing more than pay taxes and go to bed. A Return much. Needed. The Postage-Stamp Savings' Bank scheme of Mr. Fawcett is an acknowledged success, and a vast amount of money—the result of small thrift—has been depo- sited with the Government. We question whether any of this money has been deposited by the Post-Office servants, and espe- cially by the telegraph clerics. Perhaps some Hon. Member will ask the question? THE KAISERINN WITH THE CHESHIRE CAT HOUNDS. {By the Veteran.) It has been hard work, Sir, recently for the Old Man, keeping up with Her Imperial and Royal Majesty, Elizabeth Am auk Eugenie, Empress of Austria and Queen of Hungary, over the whole county of Cheshire, to say nothing of the Dukeries, the "Weald of Kent, the Lake Country—(ah! what a splendid run that was over Scarsdale Fell, and Rydal Mount, till Master Reynard craftily took water, and swimming right across Windermere, left us all, including myself and the Empress, like Lord Helvellyn in the ballad, lament- ing)—Dartmoor, Cannock Chase, and the Valley of White Horse. The "Veteran and the Kaiserinn (strange that the names of both should so nearly rhyme !) have been all Dut ubiquitous. But they are both game, Sir: and to be " gamy" is to attain the height of sucoess, as my good friend, the Cellce vinarue curatoris vicarius (fine old monastic term*J says (downstairs) at Combermere Abbey. Ah! I remember the heroic old Field-Marshal well! How he '' Cottoned'' tome! "Veteran," he said to me one night after dinner, "pass the Chateau-Lafitte. I never spare my Chateau-Lafitte." "You spared it, my Lord Field-Marshal," I answered, with a low bow, "in 1814 when you marched through the Bordeaux country with your divi- sion of Peninsular heroes." Aha! I had him there! Fine old Chateau-Lafitte! Fine old Field-Marshal Lord Com derm ere! Fine old times! Fine old Veteran I But touching self and the Empress. I and her Majesty have scarcely bean out of the pigskin during the last month. I cannot answer for the Kaiserinn; but the Nestor of the Chase has frequently * For an under-butler? gone to bed in his boots lately. So well known is my hunting cos- tume in the Cheshire Cat county that they call me " The Globe," because I'm "the Pink'un." Ha! Ha! Not so good, though, as that joke of mine about the Chateau-Lafitte. The young 'uns are not in it, Sir,—not in it. Nothing more thoroughly superb and bang-up, and highgeewoa- rollicking, than the run which the Evergreen, the Empress, and one of the finest shuffled, most carefully cut, and most neatly spotted packs in England (I need scarcely say that I allude to the Cheshire Cat Hounds, of which my old and highly respected friend, Sir Hila- rious Giuymalkin, Bart., is Master) had last Tuesday. The run itself was of the cheeriest X have ever known; and we woke up the saltpits, I can tell you, considerably. I headed the first fox for at least four miles. I could hear the din of the couteaux de chasse, the hoarse shouts of the Empress's Pandour, Magyar, and Tsigam grooms, the language, (unfit for publication) of the fox, the yelping of thepack, and a passing remark (in the prettiest plattDeutsch) from Her Majesty. "I compare the Veteran and his grey horse, she said to CountBraddlescroggshetm 0'Shindy (he is a descendant of ancient Irish Kings), "to the moon; the longer and faster I ride, no nearer can I get to either." I heard another voice (surely it was not that of the M.F.H.) roaring, "Will nobody give that dash Tailor who has ridden over the hounds, a dashed good double-thonging, and run him out of the dashed field." Whom could Sir Hilarious have meant? I saw no Tailor in the field. Her Majesty's graceful com- pliment touched me, I need scarcely say, to the double quick. Yes: my mount was indeed a spick-and-span, out-and-out, nobby and Corinthian one: none other, indeed, than Buster by Bunkum out of Bogus, and a lineal descendant of the Date Coffee Arabian, the Polish Barb, the Unspeakable Turk, and the Teetotal Mare. Such a magnificent "prad.' Head like a violoncello-case. Beef to the heels, like a Mullingar heifer. Crest all covered with mottoes. March 19, 1881.] 131 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE SERVANTS." sation Novel). "Surely, N Nurse. "Oh, Lob', yes, 'M. She doesn't disturb my Reading a bit, 'MM" MaUr/amilias J&q WS •// (OV A TIME FOR EVERYTHING. Cockney Sport»man {eagerly, to Huntsman, busy with his Hounds, about to draw a covert). "Hi! I say, Mister—Hi! Give us Tn' Tip, WHEN 's IH' PROPER TIME T' HAY 'VOICES !'" AN ASTROLOGER'S FLUKE. Our friend Zadkiel, however, has very nearly made a good shot. His " Voice of the Stare" for March predicted that :— "The Czar will be in some personal danger about the Cth instant." This, if Zadkiel in his Almanac had said nothing further about the Sovereign assassinated on the 13th instant, would certainly have looked like, at least, not a very wide miss of the bull's eye. But the Stars Bay more in Zadkiel's prophetic pages. Hear their "Voice" again vaticinating in May:— "The Czar of Rissia will gain by the transit of Jupiter over his sun's place, but Saturn is hovering near the same place also; hence danger will attend any advancement conferred by the greater fortune." In the meanwhile the Stars of Zadkiel had omitted to mention that the Czar of Russia they referred to the second time would be not Alexander the Second, but Alexander the Third. More- over, they aver that in June :— "Saturn transits on the 13th instant, the place of the Sun at the birth of the Czar, and Mars squares his ascendant on the 28th; this will be a dan- gerous month for the Autocrat; his armies will meet with defeat." They next announce a " Conjunction of Mars and Saturn " to take place in Taurus on the 6th of July, and declare thereof:— "To the Czar of Russia it is ominous of defeat and personal danger, and he will do well to prepare for the dread summons." Lastly, Zadkiel prevents any doubt whatsoever touching whom he calls the " Czar of Russia " by publishing in his Almanac, page 58, page f of 1 yember. To these he adds " Transits'in 188i "; the first of which is remarkable indeed :— "April 1st, Saturn in sextile to the Moon's radical place." Let the First of April by all means be the/e comfortably and substantially 'urnished, so that the chairs and >enches cannot be broken, with 10 fire-irons, heavy books, or nkstands lying about, while sur- •ounding the principal apartment here should be a number of small ladded rooms into which any gentleman might be locked who vas in danger of hurting himself >r others in the heat of debate. To this supplementary saloon to he House of Commons, the Irish klembers might be escorted by Captain Gosset whenever they 'elt Obstruction coming on very >adly, and only allowed to return vhen they had worked it off on ?ach other. Here is a hint for the lew proprietors of the proposed milding, which, if acted upon, vill earn them the eternal grati- ude of the " faithful Commons." PUNCH'S FANCY PORTRAITS.-No. 24. "BLACK" ART. The Atmospheric Novelist coming out with "Sunrise," in which he does not thy to "point a moral," but "a dawn A Talb." A BALLAD FOR BRADFORD. "A meeting of Yorkshire farmers was held to consider the best means of alleviating the present depression in the Bradford trade. The meeting came to the resolution to appeal to Her Koyal Highness to countenance, by her example, an effort to change the fashion in favour of the Bradford goods. . . . Samples have been already forwarded to Her Koyal High- ness."—Timet. Sad it was to see it dwindle, All the work for loom and spindle; Yorkshire then took heart of grace, Rose the farmer in his place, And from all the bills and dales To the fair Princess of Wales Came petition she would care Frock of Bradford wool to wear; If the fairest in the land Donned it, all would understand 'Twas the fashion. Not in vain Did they plead, for she wiU deign To wear wool of chosen sample. Ladies, follow her example f Change of Name. It is said that the Hon. Fel- lowes-Wallop, second son of Lord Pobtsmouth, is about to contest North Hants in the Liberal interest, and try to wrest this division from the hands of the Tories, who have held it firmly for many years. We wish him success, and hope he will be known in future as the Hon. Wallop-Toby-Fellows. Enthusiasm.—The Artists' Vo- lunteer Corps will offer to serve seven years with the colours. OPENED BY MISTAKE. (Gum and Kettle Department, 0. P. 0.) The Earl of B-c-nsf-ld to Sir W. V. II-rc-rt. My deah Sib William, Since circumstances, as much beyond the limits of my onception as outside the region of my control, have consigned me o the decorous dulness of the "illustrious and ancient House," I lave, believe me, watched the progress of one career in that " other •lace," the memory of which I still respectfully cherish, with a ympathy and solicitude frequently as decisive as they have been □definite. But why should 1 fall back, in a private communication uch as this, upon the phantasmagoria of phrase? When making ay exodus from that crowd, where the brutalities of debate, if bvious, were at least sufficiently spiced with some personal pun- :ency, 1 began to fear that I had entered into the dignity that raited me above without remembering to let fall my mantle upon ther shoulders as I passed from below. But I am immensely rc- ssured. The vigorous and malignant satire, once supposed to be my pecial possession and privilege, has, so my parliamentary reading ni'orms me, by no means passed away, as the powerful poetaster low rising among us expresses it, "like an evil dream." If I was nee the Nepaul pepper of the Commons, you are now their Can- harides. My dear Sir William, let me congratulate you. My aantle has not merelv fallen on your shoulders—it has enveloped 'our head. And this brings me to the subject-matter of my letter. You have, I take it, been paying me that highest court—the court if imitation; and flattered as I am to the full by this sincere homage, cannot I feel more exhaustively acknowledge the compliment than iy adding a few hints that maybe beneficial to you in your new role. .o begin with, My dear Sir William, remember that if you are harp you may, at least, be shallow: and that to be accurate is not o essential as to be acute. I do not know whether, the exigencies f party being eliminated, we differ deeply—say on the question of Kandahar; but, diverging or in sympathy, we can, at least, take it s an illustration for instruction. What do I know of Candahar P I know that in the columns of the daily papers it is usual to spell it with a " C," but here my intimate acquaintance with it begins and ends. I have heard of Ghuznee. I have heard of Merv. Nobth- ueook tells me that I must not confound the latter with Margate: and there is some reasonableness in this suggestion. I cannot say that I have ever confounded it absolutely with Margate: but I should be sorry to have to point out its exact position on the shores of the Caspian. And do Iknow in the least where the Caspian is to be found? What bounds it on the North? Certainly not. Why should I? I can refer to Balkh; to Herat; and to—what is that other place? —I forget its name—but no matter—and rattle "the key of India" effectively in the ears of those who look to me for the frontier, the Scientific Frontier, which that City dinner presented to me suddenly as a revelation, and in which, Lytton, the anchorite and enthusiast of geographical rectification.ihas believed devoutly and divinely ever since. I nave, I think, in the respectable rhapsody of a Lords' de- bate, referred to Candahar as the Gibraltar of the Indus. This was when I had pictured it washed by the, blue waters of .the Sea of Aral. Now that I hear it is about four hundred miles from any- where, I should rather describe it as the Rosherville of the Caucasus. Some day I may come across it in a map, and then some new dis- covery as to its precise location may inspire me with a fresher and flashier phrase. The Billingsgate of Bokhara sounds well. But do not let me, my dear Sir William, be misunderstood. I am not be- yond facts. I am only above them. I would rather ape the man- nerisms of a matured mystic than attain mediocrity as a master of mere matter of fact. We may diverge politically; but we have much in common. We both have succumbed to the seductive plea- sure that may be summed up in those two words "to startle and to sting." There is an ancient Assyrian proverb that says—but never mind. I think we understand each other. Meantime, should you doubt my candour, let me re-assure you. Let me put my " Scientific Frontier" on paper. Here you are:— Explanation.—(1) Bridge of Boats leading to Herat; (2) Monthly Maga- zine; (3) Site for the Statue of Empress; (4) Projected Military Koad; 1.3) Bathing Machine; (6) Supposed position of Ghuzuoe; (7) Spur of the Hindooh-kooeh P March 26, 1881.] 143 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. TEMPORA MUTANTUR AT THE MUNCHING HOUSE. Isn't it far better for Members of the Corporation to be treated to Tea and Muffins, instead of guzzling Punch and Port and gorging Turtle and Venison? Bokhara? or the Steppet ? or Possessions of Emir of Thingummy? Oxus Cabul^ +3 \ • QutTTA Be guided by me. Next Thursday, strike and shine. But if you must, in the interests of the newest poetaster, be able and accurate, forget not, Sir William, whose mantle has fallen upon you, and, at least, be icy and acute. Tours encouragingly, B. BELL-METAL "WANTED! Canon Gregory wants a Big Boll for St. Paul's, For the means of compounding bell-metal he calls. His proposal seems fair, for there's reason to think That he '11 find you the chimes if you find him the chink. Of a good quid quo pro you can't have any doubt, If you let him take toll, he '11 re-payment toll out. His appeal in the City will rest on good ground, He invites your investment in something that's sound. As for metal he's got all the needful within But twice three hundred pounds of the requisite tin. You may_ trust what he tells you, designing no sell; "Only Bii hundred pounds more, and up goes the Bell." "Why would it be dangerous to ask one of the Midgetts home to dinner? "What! Dine-a-mite in the house! Impossible! LENDING THE MILLIARD. Scene—The Ministere des Finances. Crowds, stretching in queues into the next department, and waiting patiently for a week or two to pay their money and take their stock. Minister of Finance besieged night and day, and bombarded every otlier hour with five-franc pieces. 'Arry (in Parry) surveying "them forring ways" scornfully. Minister (within). No, Usher, it's 'no use your bringing me the Duo d'AuMALE's card and compliments, and would I let him subscribe a couple of millions? Why, I have just had to refuse Capoul! And there's Rocitbfort been raging for three hours in the back drawing-room, wanting to lend us all the subscriptions to the Intransigeant up to next Christmas! Chorus (without) of Victor Hugo, Theresa, Dumas fits, MMahon, and the Proprietors of the " Prtntemps" (advancing with stockings full of specie; ensemble). Take, take our gifts, great Minister! Usher (advancing sternly). Go and make queue. Even /couldn't get His Excellency to take more than a hundred thousand francs of my savings. 'Polyte (in the queue). Week's provisions beginning to get scarce; and I 'm only two thousand off from the pigeon-hole. Pickpocket. Forty-third watch! By the time I get to the bureau I shall De able to take up five hundred thousand francs' worth. Marquise. MLUe pardons, Monsieur; but one is really so bewild- ered after four days and nights in the queue. Do you think there '11 be a million's worth left for me P Chifonnier. Not likely. My stockbroker has just sent to me to say that there is no use in getting ready more than a hundred thousand francs, for the Government will try to please as many lenders as possible. Communard. Disgusting! There's a policeman taking advan- tage of his position to invest a hundred thousand out of his turn! 'Arry (from'Olhorn). They are a rummy set! Dashed lot of labourers chucking their coin away on Consols! Give me the manly British sport of backing Fiddlededee for the Battersea Park Plate! Ill [Mahch 26, 1881, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ALL IN THE DAY'S WORK. John Thomas. "Did toxj Ring, Sir?'' Surgeon (just arrived at Country House). "Yes. Why have you laid out y Surgical Instruments on the Dressing-table?" John Thomas. "Surgical Instruments, Sir? I thought them things 'AS WHAT YOU DRESSED FOR DINNER WITH!" QUARTER DAY. Friday, March 25. Rent due again! Yes, by Jove, it is Quarter Day, And I must stump up as soon as I like. I, for my part, think it should be called Martyr Day; Why can't a tenant go out upon strike P This March 'tis Friday, next year 'twill be Saturday; Each brings the landlord's importunate call; One day I vow I '11 be off to the Latter Day Saints—that is, Mormons—and not pay at all! Rent due again! Yes, of course, it is Lady Day. Why should the Quarter so frequently come? Though the sun shine, this must still be a shady day, In that I feel so uncommonly glum. Did I possess half the City, a jolly day This would become, for I 'd pocket the pelf; Xo , as it is, it's my landlord takes holiday, While my poor cheque puts a check on myself. Rent duo again! Yes, indeed, it's a trying day; How to get money I scarce can divine. This is far worse than to laundress a drying day, When the rain falls on the clothes on the line. I can't imagine a darker or sadder day: Cash is by no means so easy to find; Hares, they say, go mad in March, and a madder day I can't conceive, for I 'm out of my mind! "OH, PRAY DOH'T MANSIOH IT I" The Mansion House escaped a shaking last week. Suspicion fell on a disappointed! Turtle Souper, who had at- tempted revenge with a few pounds of strong Gun- powder Tea. A Common Councilman suggested that if it wasn't Gunpowder it might have been Cotton. What is the next object marked out for destruc- tion P Better increase the guard of Constables about the Griffin. Let Policeman X be Treble X and double stout. These are merely precautionary measures. PROS AND CONS. Reasons for "Keeping the Transvaal at all hazards," by Captains lasher and Crasher, and Messrs. Fluster, Bluster & Co.:— 1. Because, by George, Sir, the beggars will think we 're frightened E 'em if we give it back, 2. Because, although we may possibly have acted unjustly in an- exing the place, we have annexed it now, and, if we don't keep i, right or wrong, where is our prestige likely to go to? 3. Because I 've read that Boers take young Kaffirs as paid appron- ces, and that looks like slavery, and slavery is wrong. 4. Because it is always right to stop wrong wherever you see it, ven if you have to annex a large territory to do it. 5. Because the only wrong that it isn t always right to stop at ace is the wrong that we do ourselves. 0. Because, if we leave the Transvaal, Russia will invade India. 7. Because England, having utterly defeated and decimated the ulus, and the Boers having defeated England, the danger of the ulus some day reviving and then defeating the Boers, and then lvading Natal, is a permanent menace to England. Reasons for "Giving back the Transvaal and Entire Independ- nce —the 'whole hog or none' to the Boer "—by Messrs. Wary, Tigglee, Paring, M.P. & Co.:— 1. Because nothing is so convincing a proof of the wickedness of le annexation as the fact that we have been temporarily defeated in rying to enforce it. 2. Because if we go on, we may possibly be defeated again. 3. Because annexation is vexation, and taxation is as bad. 4. Because a spanking Budget covers a multitude of repudiations. 5. Because England is so strong, that she prefers being defeated. 6. Because the Boers are such awfully good shots. GOSSIP A LA MODE. It is rumoured that a certain weU-known Banking Firm of European fame have made arrangements to stop payment on Tuesday next. WTiat is this story I hear about a Right Honourable having accused a noble Lord of picking his pocket in the Division Lobby? If it be an ascertained fact that "the Major" cheats at cards, he ought to be turned out of that Club, or—left alone in it. The report that the lovely Countess had eloped with her groom is without foundation. It would more probably be with a certain ex- Parliamentary Whip. I have much pleasure in announcing that it has now been finally decided not to charge poor dear old popular " Bunks," as the General is familiarly called in society, with the murder of his first wife. I have this information, I may add, on the General's own authority. An "Eau-de-Colonial Bishop" will shortly appear, so it is said, in the Divorce Court. ▲ Woolwich Infant. "On the Hth March, at 14, Montague Place, Russell Square, tha wife of Michael Gunn of a son." He may be by nature the mildest of boys, But it's easy to see he must make a great noise: May he live to be loaded with honours well won! Here's health and long life to this son of a Guuir! t3T To ConRE?ro*T>it:TTs. — T/ie Editor dnet not hold hi me'f botnvl to acliiowledac, return, or pan for Contri'ndiont. In no cate can then i»e returned unlet* accompanied by < »Utmi*d ami directed mvi lopt. CVjkc. Joi Id tte Ujil. Aran. 2, 1881.] 145 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A DRAWING-ROOM DRAWN BY A LIVELY DEBUTANTE. Ift %?. 7 A.M.—Woke at fire. Called by Elisb two hours later. 9 a.m.—Breakfast. Mamma nervous about asthma and draughts in Palaoe. 10 A.M.—Hair-dressing commenced by Elise. An arrangement in feathers. 11 a.m.—Still dressing. Arrival of train. Late train. Last hint about carrying it. Noos.—Imposing procession to draw- ing-room. 12*15 p.m.—Arrival of oousin Charlbb (who is to accompany us) in gorgeous yeomanry uniform; splendidly miser- able. Sword, telling, but inconvenient; spurs aggressively oojectionable. 12'30 p.m.—Visit of Mamma's inti- mate female friends to see "how we looked." Verdict satisfactory. Charley apologetic for spurs—and sword. 12'45 p.m. — Carriage announced. Descent of ladies and train-bearer. Notice Charley's waddle occasioned by having to go down-stairs in a pair of spurs. Packing of carriage a matter of difficulty and danger. Obvious ques- tion, "Where shall we find room for another?" 1 p.m.—Arrival at Club. Introduction of Papa in Deputy Lieutenant's uniform. Charley's spurs and Papa's sword both voted unnecessary nuisances. T15 p.m.—Stoppage in the Mall. _ In- spection of party by mob. Free criticism forcibly expressed. 1"30 p.m. — Blinds drawn down by Charley on one side—sudden appear- ance of mob on the other. Blinds on both sides drawn down. Iiowls. Feel (to myself) like Marie Antoinette among the revolutionists. Personal altercation between coachman and populaoe. 1 "45 p.m.—Happy thought! "Lunch." Basket. Pleasant pic-nio. Charley amiable, Papa beaming, Mamma conver- sational. Forget Marie Antoinette. 2 p.m.—Grand move of about four inches. Excitement. Blinds up. Dead stop; mob more critical than ever. 215 p.m.—Several jerks of four inches, accompanied by dead stops. Carriage fairly on its way at the rate of a State funeral procession. Running commen- tary of jocular spectators as wo pass. Again feel like Marie Antoinette, only less so. Occasional bursts of derision at Papa's spectacles and plumed cocked- hat. They do not go well together. t£ l 2-30 p.m.—Sudden sharp arrival at Palace. Hurried reception by Somebody —a Marshal I fanoy Charley tells me, or a Marshalman. Not*.—When I hear of Marshal, I oan't help thinking of Snelobove. 2-45 p.m. — Resignation of cloaks. Presentation of cards on entrance. Rapid ascent of staircase. Exoited ar- rival in first room, and dead stop for an indefinite period. 3 p.m.—General move. Awful crush. Calm imperturbability of Gentlemen- at-Arms. Polite fight for empty chairs on arrival in each new room. 3'15 p.m.—More moves, dead-locks, and crushes. Gradual progress through State Apartments. Very cold near the doors, very hot near the fire-places. Sounds of military bands occasionally heard in the distance. Recognition of friends. In pauses of conversation, ample time for the examination of historical portraits, the gorgeous sofas, and the pretty landscape-gardening seen through the windows. 3-30 p.m.—Fearful excitement! Sud- den disappearance of Papa and Charley. Have they got into difficulties with their spurs and swords? Thought they would. Single tile formed by Dowagers and drhutantes. 333 p.m.—Cards passed from hand to hand. Trains extended by officials in Court-dress. Invitation to proceed. 3"35p.m.—Acardread. Alowoourtesy. A smile from Her Gracious Goodness. 3"36 p.m.—General view of other Illus- trious Personages. Vague reminiscence of the dazzling group at Madame Tus- saud's. Pass on, and please not to touch the figures. All over I 3"40 p.m.—Feeling of gratified but in- tense relief. Mamma delighted. Char- ley and Papa also satisfied. It appears I managed my train splendidly. I tell them they managed their swords and spurs beautifully. 3'45 p.m.—Chat with friends before departure. Everyone in good spirits. 4 p.m.—Coming down. Arrival of carriage. Re-packed hurriedly; oar- riage-paid. 5 p.m.—Return. Day-dreams of the coming Season. Suggestive fantasia on the pianoforte, "Hume, tweet Hume!" —with variations; lively ones, and plenty of 'era. VOL. LXTX. 146 [April 2, 1881. PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHAPJVAEI. "SI NON E VERO," &c. Old Lady. "Oh, Mr. Hackles, you've stuffed Mr Parrot vert badly! All the Feathers are coming out already!" Taxidermist. "Why, Lor' bless yer, Mum, that 's the puffeotion o' Stuffin'! You know the Moultin' Season 's now a oomin' on, Mum!!" THE UBIQUITY OF AXCOHOL. "The Earth is a Toper," sang Poet of old, Nor of water alone does she drink, we 're now told. Something else Mother Earth drinks, .like Mynheer Van Dunk, Something less to be sure though, without getting drunk. Monsieur Muntz, a Professor and Chemist profound, Has got absolute alcohol out of the ground. He finds some of it even in soils that are poor, But from rich and fat mould has extracted much more. He detects it in river, in spring, and in rain, Not only in cistern, but likewise in main,— That is, in the waves of the'ooean, you know. He has alcohol found present even in snow. He says that he thinks, though he can't as yet swear, That as vapour 'tis like to exist in the air; In short, he makes out, go wherever you will, You '11 at hand have materials for working a still. From it none but the purest spring water is free, Wherewithal shall Teetotallers, then, brewtheir teaP So the spirit which Nature pervades, as divine Bards and Sages have said, is the spirit of wine. To matters organic it owes its production, Through decomposition in states of destruction. From various causes of chemical action, Whence comes fermentation—in short, putrefaction. As the microscope, showing a water-drop rife, In minute animalcules, with animal life, Disgusted the Brahmin, how Chemistry must Any scrupulous Total Abstainer disgust! The Right Move at Last. A xnniR of Ladies and Gentlemen in the unwieldy parish of St. Pancras have decided to do their own paro- chial work, and instead of delegating their authority to a set of ignorant and rapacious jobbers who make Bumble- dom a trade, they offer themselves as their own Guardians of their own property. There are_ times in the adminis- tration of domestic affairs when it is necessary for the Master and Mistress to descend to the kitchen, and clear out the scullions. DIARY OF A REPORTER. "Additional precautions have been taken for the safety of the Houses of Parliament from the misdeeds of unprincipled persons. An order has been issued requiring any visitor or stranger carrying bags or parcels to submit to an examination of the same before entering the precincts of either House. All arrangements are made under the personal supervision of Sir Edmund Hen- derson, between whom, Mr. Leonard Courtney, and the chief of the detective police in Manchester, a conference took place last night."—Daily Paper. 4 p.m.—Just got down to the House. Wonder why there are so many respectable elderly gentlemen loafing about. A short man in spec- tacles knocks up against me, begs pardon, but says he wanted to see if I had any dynamite about my person! Short man in spectacles I find to be a detective from Manchester. I notice a person, evidently from the country, with Murray and Dickens' Dictionary of Lon- don in his hand, apparently examining Houses of Parliament. By rapid and adroit movement of his umbrella he knocks my hat off. Pick it up, and remonstrate angrily. Person from the country says it's all right—obliged to do it—Sir Edmund's orders. I ask him if he is a detective from Manchester. "No, from Birming- ham," he says, and just wanted to see if I had a case of nitro-glycerine ooncealed under my beaver. Smiles pleasantly, and says it's all right. What an idiot! Tell him I am a reporter. He laughs, and says, "So they all say." Why, can't the Scotland Yard fellows do this sort of work? They would know who I am. 4,15.—Got into House at last, thank Heaven! Have been thoroughly searched twice already. Feel rather funny in my new costume, which Sir Edmund says all Reporters must now wear: silk tights, gaiters, and strait-waistcoat. As Sir Edmund says, I couldn t blow up the House now if I wanted to. Usher just oome to The Head-hitter and his Staff. search me thoroughly again—ordered to do it every five minutes. I ask Usher if he takes me for a Nihilist? He winks, and says, "Plenty of 'em about." I reply, angrily, that I 've been a Reporter for fifteen years. He says he knows I have, and begins to cry a little, "but Mr. Courtney's so suspicious." Good fellow, Usher. Shall remember him at Christmas. 5-0.—Take out a parcel of sandwiches from inner pocket. At once seized, handcuffed, and led out of Gallery in charge of Usher (crying bitterly) and five detectives in plain clothes. Notice person from country still reading Murray in Strangers' Gallery. What a hypocrite! I am led off to private room of Speaker.. Speaker sent for. Conference between Speaker, Sergeant-at-Arms, Black Rod, Mr. Courtney, and Sir Edmund, all about my sandwiches. As far as I can see, they are tossing up as to who will open them. Finally decided that Sergeant-at-Arms shall open them to-morrow morning. Meanwhile I am taken in custody to a damp dungeon underneath the Thames. Sir Edmund says I shall save a lot of trouble by confessing at once. I ask what he expects me to confess. Does he take me for a housebreaker? Sir Edmund says something about a Mansion-housebreaker—Usher very much amused. I tell them I 've come to report the debate. Mr. Courtney in background, taking down all my answers in shorthand. Pooh! Have Ministers nothing better to do? Thoroughly searched again, and left till morning. Shall certainly write to papers to-morrow. The Pet of Portumna. "The Hoyal Humane Society has voted its Silver Medallion to Miss Jennie Coatxs, of Portumna, for rescuing her sister from drowning." The Humane Society properly votes Ite Silver Medallion to Miss Jennie Coates; And the folks of Portumna may say, "We 're in luck, In possessing a girl of such excellent pluck." April 2, 1881.] 147 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVAEL ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. m^^ 1 A. Y»* THE TWO OBADIAHS. Says the Young Obadiah to the Old Obadiah, "lam shy, 0 my Sire, I am shy!" Says the Old Homer-buyer to the Young Obadiah, "So was I, at your age, so was I. MbjrvAT Night,_March 21.—Late Home Secretary disclosed a re- markable chapter in the secret history of the last Government. Only shows how liable we are to misunderstand people. At a time when in the House of Commons Sir Richard Cboss was trumpeting forth the great battle-cry of "British Interests," there was a fearsome skeleton in the cupboard at the Home Office. When I say there was a skeleton in the cupboard, I mean there were two feet of sewage in the cellars. Whilst we were thinking of the Home Secretary in Cabinet Council arranging with his colleagues the fate of Empires, he was actually sitting in his office with a large bottle of smelling- salts under his nose, inditing a note to the Treasury, informing them that, if they did not look after the sewage, he would take lodgings elsewhere, and charge them with the rent. This seems to nave brought them round. Eminent engineers called in. Sniffed all about; sure it was sewage. Architect said "impossible." Surveyor (at £1200 a year, with private praotioe) For with such a big chance as Debate on Candahar, And against' that Boy of Northcote's '—I '11 shake hands with hU Papa— Tou 've merely to be modest and in earnest—there you are." Says the Young Obadiah, " I am fly!" (Old 0.) "He is fly!" said " incredible." At last 'decided to look. Looked accordingly, and found the slight sediment mentioned above. Now we know what is meant by the "policy of sewage " which the late Mr. Disraeli once announced. It means to arrange matters so that instead of the house-sewage running into the town-drain, the town-sewage runs into the house. So original, and quite worthy the occasion. Ordinary house may more or less proceed on ordinary principles; but when you come to the Home Office, the head of the social government of the country, the embodiment of all its practical wisdom, then it is necessary to strike out a new line, and give a new turn to your sewage. Everyone delighted with the discovery. All going home to make arrangements for the introduction of the new principle into our own houses. Business done.—Numerous Votes passed in Committee of Supply. Tuesday Night.—Conservatives have great eye for spectaoular effect. Liberals nowhere compared with them in this respect. For 148 [April 2, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 1 RoU.ND ABOUT MY C'ARDliN*. weeks they have been arranging an assault on flank of garrison with- drawing from Candahar. ^Notices of motion riven, questions asked, and two nights' debate promised by way of wind- ing up the week. Then, just on the eve of the debate, when Liberals, steeped in sense of false security, think nothing would be done till Mr. Stanhope began to pipe- then amid dead and im- pressive silence they bring Sir Robert Garden- to the front, and confound the em battled host opposite with this imposing'Presence. Alderman does not often speak in the House. Con- tent to sit and look wise. "Speech is silvern, but silence is venerable, he said to Ashmead-Babt- lett, when that great Statesman invited his concurrence in an attack on the Treasury Bench touching Russian designs ., „ , ... , upon Epaphoditus. "Be- sides, he added, after a pause, " I don't know what paffyditiei are." But to-day there has been a meeting of the Citizens of London, to discuss Candahar, and Sir Robert presided. Meeting highly respectable. Letter of apology from one Duke, and one Lord (Llcho) actually present. Hot from this exciting gathering, Alder- man came to the House, bearer of a petition. "A Petition in favour of Candy'ar," he announced, with unspeakable gravity, and nearly fabulous venerableness. "Where is Candy'ar?" Mr. LaBOUCHERe asked him, later in the evening, in pursuance of a new phase of prize-puzzle recently introduced in our Courts of Law. "I decline to answer that ques- tion, 'the Alderman said, 'aughtily. But subseqnently he told me that this answer was not given owing to ignorance. "Of course, Toby," he said, " I know very well that Candy'ar is a place in the East, where sugar-candy first came from, as Banbury cakes come from Banbury, and Everton-toffee from Everton." Very affable man the Alderman when off the bench. Thinks of taking up foreign politics and joining Ashmead-Babti.Btt in the formation of another "New party." Special object to look after foreign affairs, growl at Granville, dictate to Dilke, and smooth the way for the return of Salisbury. This over, went into the dead-meat trade with Mr. Chaplin, and had rather a eheerful evening with the foot- and-mouth dis- ease. Sir Wal- ter Babttelot came out very impressive. Emphasis breaks out in his speech in unexpected places just like cattle - disease among what he calls our flocks ami herds." As a rule comes down heavy on conjunctions, prepositions, and compara Mansion House, and sends the pistol per post to the House of Commons. Haecoubt acted with great presence of mind. "Send hither Inspector Denning," he said, as soon as his eagle eye alighted upon the disguised glove-box. "D,EN^ITNe.".he said, when that able and accomplished officer ap- peared, 1 am in the frequent habit of receiving anonvmous testi- monies to my worth. Sometimes it is a box of cigars, occasionally a sovereign done up in cardboard, once it was a threepenny bit I am a-weary of these tributes of a people's love. I am rich • I am honoured. 1 have noticed your civility and attention to your duties, lake this box, Denning; make its contents your own. It mav be a sovereign, or it may be a threepenny bit. You must take your cnanee. 1 erhaps you had better open the box in your own room, and, by the way do it quietly and carefully. It mav be a china vase." I hen the Home Secretary went out, took the pennv 'bus over Westminster Bridge, and stood listening on the other "side of the river, with his eyes fixed on the Houses of Parliament. An hour later when, nothing having happened, he came back and met Mr. Denning, he was quite surprised to hear that the box contained a pistol. I jot the story down just as it was told to me by a credible person, who, if not actually present at the interview, was in the House at the time it took place. Business done—^cond Reading granted to Mr. Chaplin's Bill to Amend the Agricultural Holdings Act, and to Mr. Rod well's ditto, on specihe ground that they are worthless for the purpose designed. 'No Room fuh Smokinu—miscall'd Smuking-Koom Mostt SAD-DEjrxrxo/ other Is NO ONE TO PAY FOR THIS? Bur the p,STOL CAME jf^jfjr 0F Cbarqb, tiTeTy Tmniate- MosTGLAD-^i,-.v/.ve/" rial parts of of earlier study. "Take care of your prepositions arid conjunctions! ttalter an eminent elocutionist once said to him, "and vour nouns and verbs will take care of themselves." This advice the .Baronet follows, occasionally with startling effect. Business done.—llr. Chaplin's Motion rejected by 205 against Ul. ■ ^'.'^%.-4A^o«*.-What seems to me peculiarly alarming in Imglish JSihilism. is its range. Sort of Nasvmth hammer, that crushes a rock or cracks a nut. Nothing too high, or too low: too great, or too small. The other day it began with the Loed Mayor and now it has come down to the Hoiis Seceeiaby. Fiendish humour about it too. Leaves the powder oa the window-till of the Thursday Night.—Great match on to-night between two young game-cocks, one named Northcote and the other Gladstone, each backed by his illustrious father. Fine crowd to see the match, though the arrangements were kept quiet, and young Northcote was in the ring, feeling round with his spurs, before the affair got wind. Young Gladstone observed on the bench immediately opjxaite, leaning forward ready for a spring. Then everyone saw what wag up, and from Lobby and Smoking-Room and Dining- Roont Members rushed in in scores. Young Northcote has, strongly marked, all the failings and. excellencies of family oratory. Speaks in a low voice, without any gesture, unless a constant endeavour to twist one leg round another may be regarded as such. Seemed to have a good deal to say, from the mass of papers in his hand; but did not get it off in very- sprightly fashion. Young Gladstone a much showier game-cock. Dashed in in fine style. Made several good points; heard all over the House, and encouraged by frequent cheering. Pretty to sec the desperate efforts the illustrious parents alter- nately made to appear unconscious of the fact that the Hon. Member speaking was his son. Sir Stafford sat immediately in front of his heir, with hands thrust up his sleeve, and an air generally depreca- tory of paternal pride. The Premier feigned sleep, though it was not difficult to tell, from the flush on his cheek, that he was prouder of these cheers for his son than of the thunderous applause with which the Senate is wont to greet his own rising. Business done.—Candahar debate commenced. Saturday Morning, 2 A.M.—My Lord Hartin6ion has mad» a speech that will add to his reputation. Rather difficult to speak at all at the fag-end of such a debate. Hartington came up (not exactly smiling) at half-past eleven, and hammered away for an hour and. a half. Every blow a nail in the coffin of Lytto3TS glittering poliey in our Empire in the East. Tremendous slogger, Habxlkgtox. Not that you see much upheaval of the hammer. But there is no mis- taking when it comes down, and no resisting its successive blows. Hartington speaks as if he were himself convinced. A little detail this scarcely worthy of mention, but goes a long way with, the House. Busi*eudone.—No Confidence Motioa defeated by Literal majority of 120. April 2, 1881.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 149 THE CENSUS. April 4,1881. An! Postttmub, truly the "anni fugaces" Glide by and, old friend, we no longer are young, A new generation brings fair and freshplaces,— The wrinkles now show on the girls that we sung. In vain 'gainst attaekf of old age doctors fence us. Though bravely wo combat its aches and its pains, The Registrar-General conies with his Census, To show us we 're nothing but fossil remains. The young folks to-day proudly put down their ages, The future is theirs to enjoy and explore; We 've written our record and turned down the pages, For good or for evil, 'tis there evermore. Yet one consolation may still recompense us, Thouirh Hennikeb shows us that time travels nn. We've lived and have loved-laughed and wept, and the Census • ,.,,.,, -n i Must leave us at least the indelible M THE PLEASING BIRTHDAY BOOK. Instalment for April. A Fool!"—As ***%%\ B*er. "It was 'Nek or Nothing;' so I gave him the Nick, cot his Nbw Stamp Receipt." AND I'VE Foe Anybody on the— For a Secretary. For a Novelist. For a Director of a Gas Company. For a rich Relative. For a Tobacconist. 1st. "A Fool I You Like It. 22nd. "But oh, what damned minutes tells he o'er." — Shak- 8PEABE. 2ith "Story! God bless you! I have none to tell, Sir."—Canning. 26th. "Light, more light!" Goethe. 29th. "Thou art going to the grave! but we wiU not deplore thee."—Hebeb. 30th. "My dank and dropping weeds."—Milton. CANDAHAR-BY JINGO! Air—" There you are, don't you know." These is an Afghan City, whence to souttle were a pity; Can-da-har, don't you know I In case of any shindy a true Master Key to India; Can-da-har, don't you know! For England, to be safe and great and dominantly strong. Must collar everything she wants, and never «ym,«h« ■ Y^fl. And to that end there's one more spot to England must belong , Can-da-har, don't you know! Mr. Booth's style of acting seems to us" to be «™«^*fe behind the time. Chables Youkg and the Kembles wouiant CHRISTOPHER SLY AT THE PRINCESS'S. Hebb we witnessed such an indifferent performance of The Mer- eha^of Venice as might do for a Booth, anS would if often repeated, "do" effectually for a first-class London theatre, lhe American tra- gedian halhTaamirers, and it seems that Mr. Ibving is one of them as he has engaged his Transatlantic cousin to play with him at the Lyceum The prices are to be doubled; it strikes us they.should be hahXand a liberal discount for cash allowed to everyone visi ing the theatre when Mr. Booth plays either Hamkt, or Shylock^xPetruchxo. tt Waks. our fate to witness the greater part of Kathenne and Petruch*. Heavens ! what an extravagant, pantomimical, senseless, absurdity! Only Hanlon-Lees, the Pantomimists, and a couple. ot very ordinary biirlesque actors, could do justice to this creation of the Ba/d's, whicl, had it been " tho work' rfamotojiamtcmrthor, would most assuredly have been hissed off the stage. But af tei all, perhaps, Shakspeabe only intended it for Christopher Sly s delecta- tion; and he went to sleep in the middle of it. Mr. Booth as Petruchio reminds us forcibly both in face, and voice, and manner, of the late Mr. Dewab when made up, not for Captain Crosstree, but for some part in a domestic comedy. One merit we must concede to Mr. Booth, he is a master of dis- guise. It was almost impossible to recognise in £*™/"<>$e »££ who had but twenty minutes before appeared as Shylock. We wish it had been somebody else. But professional entertainerscan rival him in this, and at the Gallery of Illustration the two .Aubid»- Meesrs. Reed & Bishop—can do as much, and more. A Shak^varian Comedy mttW* by Christopher Sly tho Tu.kvr. Sri, «538S:«a »,k..™«. of «2j.j-»j*; 150 [April 2, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE LATEST FASHION IN MUSIC AT HOME. "By Mendelssohn, is it not, Miss Prigsby ?"—" We believe so." "One of the 'Songs without Words'?"—"Possibly. We nevah listen to Mendelssohn." "Indeed! You don't admire his Music?"—"We do not." "May I ask 'why?"— "Because there are no Wrong Notes in it!" . [Our gallant Colonel is " out of it " again. TAPPING THE WIRES: APRIL 1st. Sir F. R-b-rts, off Natal, to L-d K-mb-rl-y, Colonial Office. Come, now; what on earth is the meaning of this? Here have I ome out the whole way to the Cape, troops and all, and got every- hing ready to land, when Wood signals Go home again!" Never ras so chaffed in my life. I insist on knowing what's up. Is Sir Iabnet meddling? Answer paid. Am waiting reply on the beach. L-d K-mb-rl-y, to Sir F. R-b-rts. What? You haven't guessed it yet? Why, I couldn't have imed it more nicely! Don't you see! First of April, Sir Frede- ick, First of April! Ha! ha! I thought I 'd nave you! lie V-c-r-y, Simla, to the Marquis of H-rt-ngt-n, India Office. What have you been doing with those despatches? Do you mean > say they never turned up? Most important, some of them. Minute y Rivers Thompson shows whole thing in quite new light. Surely, it W. H. hasn't been opening that by mistake, and forgotten to cim it up again! Please explain. Hot here. Irritable. 'he Marquis of H-rt-ngt-n, India Office, to the V-c-r-y, Simla. Well, I suppose I 'm clumsy. But can't you divine, my dear R.? Tiat 's the date? Eh? Come, you may find it hot, but why louldn't we have our little joke? Don't be irritable. Ha! ha! at this explanation ought to reach you—on the First of April.' Prince B-sm-rck, Berlin, to the S-lt-n, Stamboul. Now, you twirling whipper-snapper of a dervish, what's this new olery? You had my orders to carry the thing through. Hatz- !Ldt now wires " Sultan laughing over a cup of coffee. Nothing me." If this means any backsliding, within three days of your tting this, I '11 let 'em all loose on you, and in less than a fortnight iu'11 be walking about the Caucasus without your boots, and gging for figs. The S-lt-n, Stamboul, to Prince B-sm-rck, Bei-lin. Kismet! Hi cockolorum! Don't be angry with me. It was all the Sheik-ul-Islam. I 've burnt both the Treaties, and made the Map into spills. Didn't you know what I wanted was a small advance? Terms and Conferences! Oh, you April Fools! Ha! ha! You didn't know I could be so funny, did you r Meantime, a P.O.O. for a Turkish pound, by return, just to show there's no ill-feeling, will oblige. Hi cockalorum! GOSSIP A LA MUD. So an Eminent Judge wouldn't recognise an Eminent Entertainer last week! What is this I bear of some difficulty about a "trick wig " P Surely mere hair-splitting oughtn't to part old friends. Is it a fact that the engagement between the sporting Captain —we need not mention his name—and a beautiful and noble heiress has been broken off owing to a dispute about settlements. Why does Jo Miller wear a white hat? I think a certain fair equestrian in the "Row" can answer this question. If (as it is whispered) the late popular Baronet committed bigamy when he married his acknowledged widow, it seems probable that there may be a change in the succession to the Estates. A story is going the round that the stout Major-General, whose face is so familiar at the B. & S. Club, ran away from the enemy and concealed himself in a ditch until the lighting was over, at the battle for which he received one of his most cherished medals. The Committee of the B. & S. Club should look into this. There are reasons for believing that an eminent physician, a leading Q.C., M.P., one of the most brilliant ornaments of the Bar, and the genial ana deservedly popular Head Master of one of our most ancient scholastic establishments, will retire immediately from the labours of their professions. It is said that softening of the brain is the cause of this sudden abandonment of their active duties. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Apbil 2, 1881. i ( MEASURABLE DISTANCE." Me. Bull {Owner). "HOW 'S HER HEAD, PILOT?" Will Gladstone. "STRAIGHT FOR THE LAND-BILL, SIR!" Apbil 2, 1881.] 163 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. BOTES FSOH THE DIARY WAITEB. its pride of his father's Art is my eldest son "William. A promising lad, Wil- liam is. He was sent last week with a letter to a Mr. Gub- B in « in Cheapsideon the 4th floor. The gentle- man give him Is. and told him to make haste back. Wil- liam has pot a great ob- jection to stairs, Wil- liam has, he inerits it from me, so what did he do? When he found out the house, he waited in the passage, :md asked every Gent as went up stairs, or cum down stairs, if he was Mr. Gubbins, and in less than an hour he hit upon him, and so saved 4 pair of stairs up and 4 pair down. When he cum back, the Gentleman asked him wliat made him so long, and he said Mr. Gubbiss was so very busy he couldn't be shorter. The Gent then said he hoped he 'd grow quicker, but William said he hoped he shouldn't or he might out- grow his strength. The Gentleman laughed and aeshally gave him another shilling. I 've known him wait at the corner of a road for nearly an hour, noping something would cum by and give him a lift, altho he had only about a mile to go. That Boy will do. He has all the rekisites for a first-class Waiter. We think of dressing him like a Page, to assist me, and his Mother thinks it would be a pretty idear to put sixpences on his jaoket instead of buttons; she thinks they would be so suggestive. William's maxim is, never be in a hurry, there's plenty of time for everythink. is;gtleci) Robebt chic-agony. Sabah is the Tenth Muse and the Fourth Grace, with a good deal of Madame the Admirable Crichton thrown in; but really her manners are not improved by travel. Compelled to give "levees'' a la Martin Chuzzlewil, in order to attract people to her Art-exhibi- tions (one bust, one statuette, and two paintings'), she revenges her- self by roundly abusing, in French, all the sightseers who cannot understand the language. Her friend and fellow-traveller, the Cor- respondent of the Voltaire, chuckles patriotically over her remark to a Chicago merchant who gave her a diamond: "Not bad for a butcher!" and the gracious consolation offered to a poor enthusiast who had half-killed two horses driving thirty miles to see her: "Perhaps the old hunks thinks I am going to feplaoe his screws." But the fact that " Meess Been abd herself does not understand English, much less American, suggests the possibility of two playing at that pretty Chicago game. A few verbatim notes of this kind might wholesomely correct the inflating effect of those other notes the Sarah tour produces:— Seal Remarks of Admirer who gave the Carriage-and-Four.— Dress A1 at any rate, though I du think the gold-lace fixings out of place on a walking-dress on a cold day. But, Jeehosophat! what a ligure I And conceit! And pictures altogether rubbish; temper ticklish, and mouth, rabbitty. But gave a steam-yacht to Double- Headed Nightingale, so can't do less than a buggy for her. Fine Speech of Poet who tried to commit Suicide for her sake.— On the whole she 'a simply—odd; and the way she kicks her skirts back's a caution. Travelled all through the continent without noticing anything or anybody. Doesn't notice me. Yes, noticed the cookery—and cursed it. fcstill, might as well try a blank cart- ridge: it would sell the Songs of Satanic Cynicism, at least. HAPPY THOUGHT. "A—sees the Midgets, Miss Venables 1 "—" Yes." "A—the Man sats they 'll nevah get any bigoah!" "Really!" "YES—A—WONBAH IV THE LITTLE BeOOAHS HAVE GOT SOULS?" "AH! BY THE DYE ! YOU MIGHT HAVE ASKED THE MAN I" THE CHANT OF THE CONSPIRATOR. Yes, there's a keg of dynamite, and near it may be seen A pretty little tin that's full of nitro-glycerine; They 're very useful in their way, and yonder, on the shelf, You '11 find some blasting gunpowder I ve patented myself. My new Orsini bombs arc quite the best that can be made, AU other deadly missiles they throw quite into the shade; Some small gun-cotton hand-grenades are useful too, you '11 say; They '11 shatter glass and open doors in quite a playful way. And there's a neat torpedo you can pop into a box,_ Which when exploded gives a man two different kinds of shocks. It blows him high, and when he drops, before he can complain, It gives another awful bang and sends him up again. Machinery by clockwork moved explodes some dynamite, 'Twill wreck a ship on Monday week, or say on Tuesday night; You 've only got to name the day, the works begin to run, You pop it quietly on board, and then the deed is done. It's quite a scientific trade, is ours—it is indeed, For every new explosive's made quite public for our need; You'll take a drink—no, not that cask,—that's poison! What s that noise? And, by the way, I wouldn't smoke among theae pretty toys 1 English Tragedian's Motto.—" Bum spiro Shak»-spero." 154 [April 2, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. FILL, PHILHARMONIC! Bbavo, Mr. Cusins! though you 're not a German Herr, or an Italian Signor, but simply Mr. Cusins of the Philhar- monic. A good selection last Thursday, including two sonfjs by Mr. Sims Reeves, who, it will scarcely be believed, didn't sing. We sincerely pity our great English tenor for having such thoroughly English bron- chial tubes. The public loses by bis being so unfortunately delicate; and, be it remem- bered, so does he. Probably up to the last moment he is going to make an effort, but foresees that if he does the result may be serious. Is it absolutely impossible to an- nounce that Mr. Sims Reeves will "positively " sing on such and such a night? Instead of a Simmer we got a Boyle, who was highly satisfactory, though he didn't sing anything from his well-known Court Guide. House crammed. Couldn't procure anv programmes, Mr. Cusins. Perhaps you'll say you couldn't get one yourself. if so, you are in the same boat with a large party of our re- spectable relatives—"So did our Uncles, and our Cusins, and our Aunts." Listen to this appeal, or next time while you are har- monious Cusins above, there'll be unmelodious "cussins" below. At "Westminster. — Canon Farbar's sermons, are, they say, "strong meat for men. They sound more like Farrar- naceous food. PUNCH'S FANCY PORTRAITS.-No. 26. H. LABOUCHERE, M.P. "II Cigaretto per esser felice.' MUD-SALAD MARKET AGAIN. The parochial authorities, who appear to be unable to remove a notorious nuisance like Mud-Salad Market, have at last succeeded in making it a little more profitable to the parish. The disgrace of light and unfair assessments on Drury Lane Theatre, Covent Garden Theatre, and other Sroperties of the Duke of [udfokd, still exists, but the head-quarters of London muck—the Market, or Muckit, as it is called, is now, after a long struggle, taxed at some- thing like a reasonable amount. For years it was let off too cheaply at a so-called rateable value of £4200 a-year, and now it is assessed at a still too moderate rateable value of £10,000 a-year. This is not much for a central area like Mud-Salad Market, and no- thing is charged for the use of a mile or two of public tho- roughfares, whioh for three days a week, in the best part of the day, are blocked up with waggons and vegetable refuse. Dialogue in the Stalls. First Theatrical Critic {High Artful and serious). I admit I 'm a laudator temporis acti. Second T. C. {slightly frivo- lous and purely modern). So am I. First T. C. {astonished). You! Second T. C. Yes. I go in for being laudator temponsacti —if the Aot isn't more than forty-five minutes. ONE-SIDED KULE. The Meddlevex Magistrates, having strangled dancing, more or less, within the wretched limits of their more wretched jurisdiction, are now turning their attention to more sacred things, and doing all they can to smother the Messiah. There are animals that have ears for everything but music, and the animal with the exceptionally long ears, whose effigy ought to stand on the top of the Sessions-House, Clerkenwell, has been known to bray wildly in the presence of harmony. Even the decorous dulness which generally dis- tinguishes oratorios has failed to have a soothing effect upon the Six Hundred Irresponsibles, who usually sympathise with dulness, and they have issued an official warning that if any "sacred music" is plaved in any building, licensed by them, on Good Friday, that building will in future be deprived of all authority as a concert or music-hall. Luckily for the cause of sobriety, and decent recreation, the area misgoverned by the Six Hundred Irresponsibles, is not the whole of London. While more sensible counsels prevail in Surrey and Kent, there is a building called the Albert Hall, which boasts of a Royal Charter. Here the Messiah, shut out of Middlesex, will find resting-places and audiences, and fifty or a hundred thousand people at the Crystal Palace, will show their northern neighbours that the rule of the Middlevexers is strictly limited to one side—the Fools' side—of the river. A New Novel. — "Mamma." said Miss Ramsbotham, while reading a list of new novels, have you heard anything about Queenie's Whimf" "Well," replied Mrs. Ram, "I know I went one day with the Tompkenses to see Miss Beckworth swim, but they didn't call her Queenie." "MERRY ISLINGTON." Scenes" in the House are mild compared with some recent doings of the Board of Guardians last Thursday, as reported in the Islington Gazette of March 25. There was a dispute as to whether a certain pauper woman was or was not a lunatic. Amid consider- able confusion the following climax it appears was reached:— "Mr. Beown said the Chairman, after hearing that the woman had been confined in an asylum, had been running about London with his hat in hi* hand. "The Chairman (excitedly). No, Sir, on my head: and I don't mind what you say, you little bantam-cock. I know you to be a little venomous wretch. {Confusion.)" By way of arriving at some conclusion.the Chairman subsequently offered to second a vote of censure on himself. After some further comparatively tame discussion, the Board proceeded to the next business, which happened to be a question of providing a Hot-water apparatus. Not much necessity for that, we should say, or Islington itself will soon be too hot to hold these valiant Vestrymen. What is wanted in that quarter just now is apparently personal self- government. We shall look out for another field-day at Merry Islington. Ob. Ware and Oh Ware! Oh, and such Ware too! Nowhere is there to be seen any ware more splendidly represented—we announce it warily as you may be already aware yourself—than in the Book of the Keramic Art of Japan, recently issued by Messrs. Henry Sotheban & Co. Any Collector of Plates will find twenty, in the Two-Guinea Edition, superbly coloured, which, though they may be torn from him by force, are warranted not to break. The Keramic Art of Japan, as a beautifully illustrated book of reference, is as useful as it is orna- mental—and to say this is to speak volumes in its praise. April 2, 1881.] 155 PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI. RHYMES FOR A REASON. "Atlas," in last week's World, said, a propos of the forthcoming Gilbert-Sulli- van eccentrio sesthetio opera, that there is a rhyme in it to totally "quite worthy of Gilbert." This intrigued us. What could it he? So, as our Office Boy is a rhymes- ter, we gave him the office, and in less than ten minutes he had suggested the following probable rhymes to "totally," commencing thus:— "Want a rhyme to tally With the word ' totally It*' This we at once told him might have suited Budibras, but wasn't worthy of The Pirates. A trifle abashed, he resumed— "Huntsman cries 'Ho tally Ho ! '—Rhyme to totally." Better, we admitted; but couldn't he get beyond the huntsman? The youthful Laureate at once replied— "How a line ends— Well—much depends On what's before in the song. If I said ' wrote a lie' Might rhyme to ' totally,' Would I be totally wrong P" Better; though, of course, this rhyme too must be determined by the arbitrary pronunciation of "totally." "The ^Esthetics," suggested our dear Boy, "are in a wherry, and sing— 'Utterly, Totally,— Down the stream boatily!' "Then on the lawn their repast is laid out, and they say— 1 We 're not mistaken totally In serving it table d'hote-tly.' "Or Mr. Sullivan may complain of a tenor1— 'He who sings tbroatily Spoils my song totally.' "Again," cried the juvenile Chatterton, "if directing a traveller who had missed his road— 'If you would go to Lea, You are wrong totally!' "Mr. Toole might say that a horn was played Tootle-ly wrong; or Mr. D'Oyley Carte steerer of the Opera-Comique Gunn- boat, might suggest an alliance with another Captain of another gun-boat— 'Tours with my boat ally, We '11 beat 'em totally!' "Miss Dinorah will sing— 'Down here my goat '11 lie Satisfied totally.' "An Irishman would ask— with his hair fuzzied 'Tell me what coat '111 Put on? I 'm totally, Utterly puzzled.'" "Or," exclaimed the Boy, his eye in frenzy rolling, "An inspiration! I emphasise the last two syllables, make it 'to-tally,' and then—listen!" And in a jubilant voice he sang out— fine can "Mister Halle In a chalet, Lit a' tally.' Then with Sally And his valet Gene-rally Danced a ballet. Out the' tally.' WeDt diB-mally. They wer In ther Dark to-tally." At this point we jumped on him, and sat on his head till a Composer came round. He is now composed. As the new G. and S. Opera is to satirise the .(Esthetes, instead of a ''patter " song, the Author should write a " Pater" song. PRIVATE INQUIRY. Surveyor of Taxes {to Literary Gent). "But surely you can arrive at some estimate of the amount received by you during the past Three Years for example. Don't you keep Books?" Literary Gent (readily). "Oh dear no. I write them!" Surveyor. "Ahem—I mean you've got some sort of Accounts" Literary Gent. "Oh yes, lots"—(Surveyor brightens up)—"Unpaid!" NEAR—NOT FUR. The Daily Telegraph's brilliant Special, writes from Russia, March 22nd :— "As I had left London in so desperate a hurry as to be unable to provide myself with a fur pelisse, and as all the furriers' shops were closed throughout Saturday, in consequence of the procession, I may be excused for hinting that I shivered considerably between one and three on Sunday afternoon." Why didn't the Proprietors of the Journal with the " Largest Circulation" provide their own Special Journeyman with one of their own "stitched wrappers?" In icy'regions it would have been well worth their while, if only to keep up the Circulation. When We send Our Special, the Courier of St. Petersburgh, on six horses, he shall be wrapped in the furriest furs that furriners can provide. Alas! jjoor Special! when he started he couldn't sing with Hecate, "Now I 'm fur-nished for my flight!" But he ought to have been. J 156 [April 2, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MASCULINE INCONSISTENCY. "After all- It 's his Cha- Lovelacc de la Pocr Spinks (his usual soliloquy it/ore his glass) rr 's mot a Man's personal appearance Women care for. RAOTER. IT 's HIS INTELLECT, IT '8" [Proceeds, as usual, to squeeze his neck inlo a collar which prevents him from turning his head, his feet, into tight boots which prevent him from walking, and his waist into a belt which prevents him from drawing his breath. 'ARRY ON WOMAN'S RIGHTS. Deae Chablie, I 've bin to a lecture! Now lectures, yon know, ain't my mark; Too Blow and dry sawdusty mostly, but this was a bit of a lark. "Woman's Sights and that moonshine, my pippin. Thinks I, "There's a bamey on here," And whenever there's hens on the crow, 'Abet 's good for a hinnings,—no fear I Needn't tell you my views on the subjeek. The petticoat* want keepin' down, Like niggers and Radicals, Chaelik; but spouters in bonnet and gown. While they haven't got votes, are amusing. They can reel it off and no kid; Though I hold their right line is to marry, bile taters, and do as they 're bid. Oh, I 'd suffrige 'em! Slap agin Nature, yer know, wrong end huppards, in short. To a man as is really a man it's disgustin'! But, looked at as sport, This yere Shrieking Sisterhood lay ain't 'arf bad: though the duffers down there Who woted 'em right—ten to one !—made it 'ardish to keep on one's 'air. They called it a Liberal Club, sort of cellar-like hunderground den, With two hundred cheap cane-bottomed chairs, and three fidgety-looking young men— That's all when J hentered—a-shifting the seats and the platform about, Till the people began to pour in, when the three looked alarmed, and poured oat. But they toddled back arter a bit with a curly old joker in tow, And the three Woman's Rightists, in bonnets*, who perched on a form in a row, Like three fowls on a fence; ftnd Old Ringlets, who looked like a bantam in breeks, Tipped the mag with as much bellows-blowing as though he 'd two tongues in his cheeks. Cheek P Bath chaps ain't in it, my pippin! I gave him ohy-ike once or twios, But he napped me as sharp as a needle, and all the room roared, which warn't nice; And the fidgety three "sung out "Border!" as though thoy meant " hices or stout!" And a rum little gingercove heyed me as if he'd a liked , me chucked hout. Then the birds on the fence fluttered down oae by one, and each cackled her bit. I am not nuts on argyment,—fogs me. They spua it off slick, I admit; Women's wotes was to be like 'op bitters, and put us all square like a shot. Didn't understand 'arf wot thoy said, but of course it was all blooming rot. Wy, we carn't keep the run on 'em now! What with ink-flinging, hart, and all that, They 're a-besting us fast, my dear boy; wus than Germans. Yes, that's "where's the cat." And now they 're connivering round arter wotes, I sez "Wide-on's "the word, Or us men won't be in it at all,"and I arsk yer if that ain't absurd! Oh, they 're regular soorohers, these women, when fair on the job, don't yer know. There was one or two chaps in the meeting as did 'ave a bit of a go,— Tried the lofty pooh-pooh, but lor' bless yer, them fe- minines chopped 'em up fine, And old Corkscrews he chaffed 'em no end, and the honly fair "brayvo !" was mine. Little Ginger kep fussing with papers, and dodging all over the shop, And a fierce-looking party, all elbows, was likeways a deal on the 'op. But the ladies was easy as mittens, and put it that mealy and mild, That I felt I should jest like to smash 'em, but "couldn't. It did make me wild. Talk of justice, and petticoat culteher, and trainin' up women o' sense? . Bosh! The fillies are tired of the paddock, and mean popping over the fence. That's the size of it, Chaelie, old man, and they show so much mettle and pace, We must keep 'em well 'andicapped down, or I 'm blowed if they mayn't land the race! Made mc mad to see fellers a-backing 'em; one in per- tikler I saw, A sewere-looking bloke, with a beak and black 'air, like a genteel jackdaw, Woman's Rightist right down to his boots, and he limbed little Ginger like fun, 'Cos he didn't appear quite so sound on the goose as he ought to ha done. No, this lot didn't shriek or wear gig-lamps; but jest you imagine a wife As could argue your 'ead off like they could! It adds a new 'orror to life! Two of 'em MM Missises too! Well, if ever I'm tempted to marry, 'Tain't no Woman's Rightist, you bet, as will nobble Yours faithfully, 'Aery. Fenny-wise and Pound-foolish. The Natal Colonists think that Mr. Gladstone has been really pound-foolish in not pounding the Boers, but Colonists like to have all their fighting done at the Mother Country's expense, and to make a profit besides by selling horses and provisions. The British house- holder, who pays ninety-five per cent, of the national taxation, thinks that Mr. Gladstone is more.than penny- wise in promising (indireotly) a penny off the Income- Tax, and feels that he would have been threepenny-wise if it had not been for the Afghan Five Millions. A Vocalist often mentioned in Sporttng Ctbcxes. —The Even Tenner. Quite British Climate.— March in the Transvaal. Came in like a Lion, and went out like & Lamb. To Cobrbsfondksts.—The Editor doet not hold himself bound to cuknovltdgt, return, or pan for Contributions. In no cate can these be returned unless accompanied by t stamped and directed enth lope. Copies should be kept. Apbil 9, 1881.] 157 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MR. PUNCH'S GUIDE TO THE UNIVERSITY BOAT-RACE. Preliminary.—"Tie intimo" should be the golden rule. As the contest is fixed to come off before any one is up, you had better not go to bed on the previous evening-. By this means you will secure a very good place. No doubt you 'will find plenty of room on the towing-path a little before three a.m. on the morning. You may safely invest in this bank — there is no chance of its breaking. Or, if you prefer it—you can make yourself really comfortable by camping out on some one else's property. All you will have to do in this instance is to get "an easy couch and a foot-warmer. You can take the latter from anywhere, and the Police will supply the hot water! The Start.—The earliness of the hour will pro- bably drive away the old fog-eys—they will not be missed! By permission of the Dean of Arches (seated officially on Putney Bridge) the boats will be ordered to pull away by the Bishop of London. To emphasise the command, his Lordship will take a Canon charged under the Church Discipline Act —and let him off! This "bang" maybe safely relied upon. Original remark to make when the boats take the water—" They're off!" As the betting men would say, "A case of taken and offered!" The Star and Garter.—Blue Riband of the Thames kept here in watered silk. Appropriate title to be used after lunch for this hostelry (from which the race commences), " Gar and Starter." Craven Cottage.—At this point one of the repre- sentatives of the Dark Blue will show signs of fear. To encourage him his coxswain will observe, "We mustn't have a cow-ard from Oxon!" The crew will pause to indulge in mirth. The stroke will advise his comrades to take it easy. The Cam- bridge eight will consequently disappear. The Oxford stroke hereupon will observe, "We have missed them! Well, we are getting on 1 A miss is as good as a mile." "As a smile, the coxswain will retort, as he attempts to control his laughter. And on they will go again! The Crab Tree-—First pause of the Cambridge eight under the spreading boughs of the Crab Tree. Ten minutes allowed for refreshments and catch- ing crabs! Oxford will subsequently join in the piscatorial amusement. How to catch crabs? With a heavy feather! The Soap Works.—On reaching these magnifi- cent buildings both crews will stop spell-bound by the sublimity of the prospect before them. The Press-steamer will then approach and supply both team3 with plenty of soap. The sliding seats having by this means been sufficiently lubricated, the race will start afresh. Motto of the Cockney spectators stationed in front of the Soap Works, ,f So-'appy.'" Hammersmith Bridge.—As usual, the coign of vantage will be reserved for the police. The stall-sellers will, however, declare that the posi- tion brings a coin of 'vantage to nobody. Good thing to say of the aspect of the river from here— "a view by Constable." The Doves.—The most charming spot on the Thames! The sweetest of public-houses—the most coquettish of taverns! Capitally suited for a poet enjoying his honeymoon. Advertisers and.lovers will tell you that the Doves offers unchallenged adaptability for " billing and cooing." A Member of the Kyrle Society would revel in the place—for a consideration. The Oil Mills.—Another pretty riverine retreat rich with suggestive savours. Famous as the Head-Quarters of the Peace Society. On the day of the race the Members of the Association will celebrate the event by throwing oil on the waters —when none is looking. At this point the crisis of the contest will take place. Here Oxford will either lead or fall into the second place. If the cognoscenti are right in this conjecture, the Can- tabs may be confidently expected to spring to the front, or to rest satisfied with a less prominent position. Betting 20 to 1 on the winner! Obstruction No. 1.—A barge! Idleness, Im- pudence, and Ignorance found in the same boat. Obstruction No. 2.—A tub (as Mr. Toole would say) "tub be sure!" The persons connected with this tub richly deserve a good towelling! Chiswick Ait.—Evident opportunity for saying something "vastly amusing about one of the Eights. For instance—the Eight left behind— the Chiswick Ait! Jokes such as this may be made by the reel not only by Scotchmen but by Englishmen also. Corney Reach.—On a recent occasion Lord Chief Justice Coleeidge wanted to know "what the celebrated Mr. Cobney Ghaut was?" It is scarcely necessary to point out that here his Lord- ship could easily find out for himself the things within the Corney Reach!" Very entertaining!" as Mr. George Geossmith would observe, if questioned on the matter. Barnes Bridge.—Scene of one of the cruellest outrages of modern times. Each of the University coxswains will here shoot the bridge! Verdict of the Public, on noticing that neither gentleman in his flannels is wearing jewellery—" Not Guilty!" The Brewery.—Convenientlv situated near a Malt Lake, or, as it is incorrectly spelt nowadays, "Mortlake." Recognition of the Crews by the Brews. Song of welcome of the Chief Tapster on noticing the heated complexions of the coxswains —" Oh, ruddier than the beery!" The Finish [added by Mr. Punch's oxen par- Nnl Ho'lar Prophet).—Is it necessary to state now \<§V. the great contest will end? No! a thousand times no! for idle curiosity should never be en- couraged! And yet it is so obvious, so self- evident that one of the Blues must win, that it seems almost cruel to withhold what (by proper management) may be valuable information. Then the secret shall be revealed. Away with techni- calities! Away with professional jargon about "clean feathering," " sliding-seats," and the rest of it! In a case such as this one word will suffice! Either Oxford or Cambridge? Cam- bridge or Oxford? Yes; for a "dead heat" is next to impossible! The issues are narrowed. Which is it to be? I will tell you! As sure as I am writing, as sure, in point of fact, as eggs are eggs, the winner of the great Inter-University Boat-Race of 1881 will be ([Continued in our next.) VOL. LXXX. 158 [April 9, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A NARROW ESCAPE. "Back at last from Ireland, dear Sir John! We have missed you!" "So have my Tenants, thank goodness I" SOMETHING FOR THE MONEY. [From the Playgoers' Conversation Book. Coming Edition.) I have only paid three guineas and a half for this Stall, but it is certainly stuffed with the very best hair. The people in tne ten-and-sixpenny gallery seem fairly pleased with their dado. I did not know the call-boy was at Eton. The expenses of this house must be enormous, if they always play Box and Cox with a rasher of real Canadian bacon. How nice to know that the musicians, though out of sight under the stage, are in evening dress on velvet cushions! Whoever is the author of this comedy, he has not written up with spirit to that delightful Louis the Fifteenth linen cupboard. I cannot catch a word Macbeth is saying, but I can see at a glance that his kilt would be extremely cheap at seventy pounds. I am not surprised to hear that the "Tartar's lips" for the cauldron alone add nightly something like fifty-five- and-sixpence to the expenses. Do not bother me about the situation when I am looking at the quality of the velvet pile. Since the introduction of the live hedgehog into the domestic drama obliged the Management to raise the second-tier private boxes to forty guineas, the Duchess has gone into the slips with an order. They had, perhaps, better take away the champagne- bottle and the diamond-studded whistle from the prompter. Ha! here comes the Chorus of Villagers, provided with real silk pocket-handkerchiefs. It is all this sort of thing that elevates the Drama, and makes me so contented to part with a ten-pound note for an evening's amusement. Our Thames Bill. Oh, did you never hear of the Jolly Free Watermen, Who on the River Thames used for to ply? They feathered their nest with such skill and dexterity- But now they will find that their time has gone by. By Our Heathen Chinee.—Opium-smoking in China is thoroughly poppy-lar. ADVICE GEATIS. Advice to Playgoers. When you enter a theatre without having previously booked your seat, and are told that the house is full, insist upon having chairs put in the gangways, and turn a deaf ear to any Managerial objec- tions. When told that the Lord Chamberlain has issued orders forbidding such obstructions, tell the Manager, or his representative, to go to Jericho, and take the Lord Chamberlain with nim. When the footlights flare above the glasses, or there is the slightest smell of burning paper or linen, stand up in the body of the house and shout "Fire! as loudly as possible. Having created a panic, and being directed to outlets that are not altogether familiar to you— some of them labelled " Exit to be used in case of fire "—insist upon going out by the entrance or entrances you always come in at, and insist upon going out in the most disorderly manner. Knock over as many seats as you can find unfixed, upset people who are smaller and weaker than yourself, and do not hesitate for a moment to trample on them if thev are foolish enough to lio on the floor. If you get out safely, and find you have lost a shirt-stud or a pocket- handkerchief in the struggle, insist upon going back to search for it, and if anything happens to you, lay the blame upon the Manager, who is supposed to be "personally responsible." Advice to Managers. Block up your passages with lumber and pot-house bars, and traps for catching shillings in the shape of coat-rails, umbrella-stands, opera-glass counters, book-stalls, &c. Put the gas-lights as near the wall and the ceiling as the lath and plaster will bear without break- ing out into an immediate blaze. Suspend a chandelier in the middle of the house over the people's heads, and forbid anyone to examine its fixings oftener than once in a quarter of a century. Build a car- penter's shop over this chandelier, and fill it with plenty of inflam- mable materials. Choke up your cellars with shavings, bits of old scenery, rotten properties—anything that will burn with the slightest encouragement. Dress up a super in a fireman's uniform to comfort the eye of authority, and hang up ten or a dozen quart buckets in a prominent part of the theatre, to comfort the publio and the Insur- ance Companies. Let the publio smoke, if they like, in the lobbies, and the workmen smoke, if they like, in the cellars. Always keep a fiddler on the premises in case of fire, so that your building may perish in a classical manner. Advice to Journalists. After the destruction of a theatre in any part of the world, do all you can to create a general panio. Take no trouble to verify your statements, but assert boldly that no theatre is a bit safer than the crater of Vesuvius in the middle of an eruption. When you have frightened away half the paying audiences from half the theatres, apply boldly for wholesale free admissions. Advice to the Licensing Authorities. Respect vested interests, and never interfere with any old theatres, however badly constructed. With regard to new theatres, give a licence of exactly the same value to a capitalist who spends £20,000 to make his theatre comfortable and safe, as you give to a capitalist who expends less than half that amount. Advice to Insurers. Look into the statistics of theatre-burning, and find how many houses have been destroyed in the middle of a prosperous run or the height of the dramatic season. Millennial Measure. There is now before the House of Commons a project of legisla- tion, which promises to put an end to pauperism, empty all the workhouses, and. preclude all necessity for any allowance whatsoever whether of in-door or out-door relief. Evidently at least all these objects ought to be effected by the enactment of a measure so extremely comprehensive as the Exemption from Distress Bill. April 9, 1881.] 159 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAFJVAEI. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROtf THE. DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. "Here stands a Post!" Monday Night, March 28.—How varied are the works of nature, and yet how uniformly beautiful! To think that a single family could produce two brothers like the Home Secretary and the Member for Oxford- shire. Am told the Colonel is the elder. But apart from looks and almanacks, should have thought he was the Home Secretary in an earlier stage of development. He has about him all the rich store of wit, poetry, and eloquence which flashes forth with easy force when the Home Secretary comes in contact with anybody oi anything. Only it is oddly undeveloped. You can see that the thoughts burn' but the Colonel cannot get them easily to breathe. I believe that in his own room, or standing at the Club window, ho makes speeches that would beat the Home Secretary's nollow. Such subtle turn of phrase, such scathing sarcasm, such blinding wit, were rarely imagined. But when he opens nis mouth they aU fly out inarticulate. The Colonel makes notes on a small card which he holds in the palm of his left hand. These are the keys which, touched, should make perfect melody of speech. The Colonel touches them rightly enough; he punches them, wrenches them, and wrestles with them generally. But only fragmentary noises, in nowise musical, is the result. Still the intention evident and design clear. Most excellent speech in everything but words. Dim notion that by practice the Colonel wiU get hold of the words right end up, and wiU by process of development become equal to the Home Secretary. At present, in respect of weU ordered fluency, he falls a trifle short. But the arrangement might be much worse. On the whole, prefer a man with ideas too big for his words to one with words too many for his ideas. KY\^«N^*k 160 [April 9, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Business done.—Mutiny Bill read a Second Time; Colonel Har- court's Motion, to make the State pay half the cost of main roads, defeated on a division hy 159 votes against 145. Tuesday Night.—Mr. Biggar wandering about the Bar to-night making feigned advances on the Chair, suddenly rising and as abruptly resuming his seat, and by other devices causing to grow pale the cheek of Mr. Ashton Dilke, and to add more grey hairs to the beard of Mr. Stevenson. These two Gentlemen have been looking up Decimal Coinage, and have tremendous speeches on hand, or rather in hat. Mr. Stevenson in particular supplies fresh illus- tration of what "a working hat" may be, by bringing his down literally stuffed with papers. What with the speech burdening his mind, and this apparition of Mr. Biggar with constant threat of a Count Out, Mr. Dilke more than usually lugubrious. "Looks as if he had lost a shilling and found a franc," Sir "Wil- fred L.awson says. But Mr. Biggar was only funning. Finding time hang heavy on his hands, it occurred to him that he might agreeably spend it in this way. He meant no harm, and though he might have counted the House out at any time between seven and ten, he forebore. Perhaps ho knew what was coming, and thought to pay off old scores with an assembly that has sometimes manifested a passing disinclination to hear him address it. 40-37 minutes of Mr. Dilke, immediately fol- lowed by 35-87 minutes of Mr. Stevenson, go a long way towards settling a balance of penance. Then there was Mr. Hubbard. Curiously aggravating juvenes- cence about Mr. Hubbard. Feeling of grievance^ on public grounds that a man of his years should insist upon going about in an indecorous shooting - coat, and should array himself in parti- coloured neckties, just as if he were forty-five. Mr. Ramsay, a gentleman of vast research, hints, in a blood-freezing way, that there is some mystery about the Lord- Advocate. It's all very well, he observes with an appalling nod of the head, to say that the Gentle- man who recently retired from the representation of Edinburgh was the father of the Right Hon. Gentle- man who now sees that Scotland stands where it did. "Don't tell me," Mr. Ramsay says angrily (which, indeed, I never did). Let the two stand together, and you will see at a glance which is the father and which the son." Mr. Ramsay not a man given to joking. Fancy there must be some- thing in this. Mr. Arnold fond of asking questions. Set him to ask the Home Secretary. Son or sire, and if so, why? Much the same thing about the two Hubbards. Member for City currently regarded as Father Hubbard, but in appearance and manner quite a chicken as compared to the son. Business doni.—Proposal for Select Committee on Decimal Coinage negatived by 108 to 28. Discussion on the Sale of Benefices. 1'hursday Night.—Implacable, race the Scots, when once their blood is up. So sudden too. Everything going on peacefully and gently, when, lo! The Anderson (George), or The Colebroke (Sir Edward), pulls a dirk from his stocking, The Dalrymple produces the fiery-cross from his coat-tail pocket, and Bannockburn was nothing to what follows. Fiery-cross out to-night; dirks dinging, claymores clashing, the air full of guttural sound. Left the House for a few minutes at half-past eleven; everything quiet, even dull. Back at a quarter to twelve, and found the fiery-cross already half-way round. Harcourt grasping Lord-Advocate firmly by the wrist, to prevent him jumping up with intent to place one foot on the table and the other on the Treasury Bench. What was the matter? Had The Gordon (Sir Alexander) turned up in the kilt he tells us he has worn, and had some rash Saxon pre- sumed to tickle his legs? Or had the market for pease-meal brose been rigged? No use asking questions. Everyone too excited to answer. Gather from reference to the Orders that business on hand is Second Reading of the Teinds (Scotland) Bill. Don't know what teinds are. Fancy they are a sort of haggis. "But, whatever, there was a row," as The Donald Currie said. Gathered by degrees that it commenced with the Lord-Advocate. Had moved the Second Reading of the Bill, and then Mr. Richard Peddie (don't know him well enough to call him Dick) suggested adjournment. Lord- Advocate, as gentle in love as he is fearful in war, acceded to this innocent-looking suggestion. Whereupon pibroch sounded, Scotch melting Fine Specimen of " Chelsea," out of a well - known Cabinet Collection. Members stooped as one man for their dirks, and it was then the Lord-Advocate would have bounded on the table like the picture in the Penny Illustrated of Lord Colin Campbell at Stafford House when there was question of abolishing the tartan. No one can say what would have followed, but for the presence of mind of the Home Secretaby. The Orr Ewing, in tones none the less terrible because their passion was suppressed, denounced pro- cedure in general, and the Lord-Advocate inparticular. More in this than meets the eye, the Chieftain said. Liberation Society at The Fot'R-TELLEns afteii the Event. the back of it. Church in danger; Constitution undermined. (Strange, this last charge. Always heard Scotchmen say haggis most wholesome food.) The Dalrymple even more fierce. Mur- mur of the clansmen in the distance; horrible noise of the surrep- titious grinding of dirks; elderly English Members with large families begin to beat strategic retreat. "I suppose you've heard of Glencoe?" Mr. Hopwood whis- pered in Mr. Rylands' ear as he passed out. Peter rose hastily, and left the House. Just as the onslaught seemed about to begin, the Lord-Adyocatb gave way, the Motion for Adjournment was withdrawn, the Second Reading was agreed to, and the necessity for numerous elections to fill vacancies in Scotch counties and burghs averted. Business done.—Mutiny Bill passed through Committee. Teinds Bill read a Second Time. Friday Night.—Last week in dead-meat trade, to-night in the butter business. Next week hope to embark in the hide-and-skin line, and eventually shall reach the treacle trade. Astonishing to find how much everyone knows about butter. Not surprising, of course, to find Arthur Arnold discoursing learnedly on the com- ponent parts of a tub of butter. Few things he doesn't know, and none he is not ready to discourse upon. Wallowed in the butter- tub to-night, and told us how nasty it is. Chamberlain showed singular grasp of the butter question, but everything sunk into insignificance beside the erudition of Lyon Playfatb. Business done.—Arrived at conclusion that, on the whole, butterine better than butter. STANZAS TO SPRING. 0 balmy Spring, that brings upon the breeze Colds and bronchitis and the influenza, The thrush sings loud amid the budding trees, And we throw in a cough as a cadenza. We 're thankful that the Winter time is past, And thoughts of soft Spring days are surely pleasing, "What mean these snow-nakes whirling on the blast, "While mad thermometers sink down to freezing. 'Twas very well for Kingsley erst to sing He liked the North-East wind, but who supposes, That ordinary folks enjoy a Spring— "With gelid and exacerbated noses. Burst not, 0 buds, though April sims shine out, Back to the earth rash snow:drop and poor crocus; The seasons have got mixed without a doubt, Spring's turned to Winter by some hocus-pocus. eastern telegrams. Porte crusted: Greece waxy. Later.—Porte generou*: Greece April 9, 1881.] 161 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ■vj A MAUDLE-IN BALLAD. To His Lily. My lank limp lily, my long lithe lily. My languid lily-love, fragile and thin, With dank leaves dangling and flower-flap chilly. That shines like the shin of a High- land gilly! Mottled and moist as a cold toad's skin! Lustrous and leper-white, splen- did and splay! Art thou not Utter? and wholly akin To my own wan soul and my own wan chin, And my own wan nose-tip, tilted to sway The peacock's feather, sweeter than sin, That I bought for a halfpenny, yesterday? My long lithe lily, my languid lily, My lank limp lily-love, now shall I win— "Woo thee to wink at me r Silver lily, How shall I sing to thee, softly, or shrilly? What shall I weave for thee—which shall I spin— Rondel, or rondeau, or virelay? Shall I buzz like bee, with my face thrust in Thy choice, chaste chalice, or choose me a tin Trumpet, or touchingly, tenderly play On the weird bird-whistle, sweeter than sin, That I bought for a halfpenny, yesterday? My languid lily, my lank limp lily, My long lithe lily-love, men may grin— Say that I 'm soft and supremely silly— Wnat eare I, while you whisper stilly; What care I, while you smile P Not a pin! While you smile, while you whisper—'Tis sweet to decay 1 I have watered with chlorodine, tears of chagrin, The churchyard mould I have planted thee in, Upside down, in an intense way, In a rough red flowerpot, sweeter than sin, That I bought for a halfpenny, yesterday! POPULAR FALLACIES. That One never loses anything bt Politeness.—Beware in a March Wind. NOTES FROM THE DIAEY OF A CITY WAITER. Mr wust fears is Kealeycsed 1 The Lord Mare if not quite a Tea Toeteller is suttenly a Tem- prancer. He wanted to have for his Chapling Doctor PimcH'EM the Welshlean, and to ebolish his Trumpitters, but the Court of Alder- men came to the reskew. They sed, and werry properly, "You must draw the line sumwhercs, my Lord, and we draws it for you at Chap- lings and Trumpits." Brown says, "Why not at Chapling and Horns," but he's always saying sum rubbitcn or other. After giving the matter dew considerashun, I 'm inclined to think as a Chapling is about as good a judge of a dinner as anyboddy I knows on, let alone even a Alderman. But then of course there's Chaplings and Chaplings. A Lord Mare's Chapling is all werry well for the 12 short munse as he lasts, but only to think of the awful change wen he returns to his own Homely Fair! whereas a Chapling to a grate Citty Gill is a Chapling for ever, and lives like one all his life. They allers gives me a smilin nod of recognishun knowing as I shall pay 'em special attension. But to return to my Lord Mare. Well, I 've bin engaged in my perfeshnal dooties now for a good many years, but I never sea such things at the horsepital Manshun House as I 've seen lately. We 've had one of them pfettyest of all pritty sites a Children's Party, without no dancing. We 've had dredful dull dinners without no ladies to sing, and sollem evenin partys without nothink to eat but Tea! And on every occashun such a lot of reverend-looking Gents, without no Shirt fronts in pertickler, that everybody seemed quite afraid to larf. Of course if the gents of my rjerfeshun who's engaged there, likes a change, they 've suttinly got it, but I dowt if they quite apreshe- ates it, or we should never have heard of such a downright awful staggerer as this. Two on 'em has acshally applied to be made into Messengers to the Commissioners of Sewers! Oh, what a tumble down-stares was there my Countrymen! And, as if to add hinsult to hiniury, even the Sewers wouldn't have 'em! Is {here a skellington in the Manshun Ouse cubberd, and is its name Dullniss 't I pores for a ripply. SONGS OF THE SCIENCES.—V. MEDICINE. Oh, would you study medicine, get learning anatomical. First fill your mind with all the lore of muscles and of veins; The names that they can boast of sound, you'll say, extremely comical, But you must learn them ere you try to ease our aches and pains. To grin derisively you use the Mttsculus risorius, The Sterno-cleido-mastoid serves to turn the head away; We '11 land upon Eeil's Island, nor will think the work laborious, To cross the Pons Varolii a many times a day. In course of time you '11 learn, no doubt, the laws of Physiology, With all that Foster, Carpenter, and Huxley well must know; We '11 hope you '11 pay attention to Professors of Pathology, And gaze on all the wonders that the microscope can show. You '11 find how_ blood goes through the lungs, and how they 're oxydising it: How certain foods can do us good, while others do us harm: The body's like a steam-engine, 'tis really not surprising it Should take a regular amount of fuel to keep warm. With Chemistry, and Pharmacy, and Surgery, and Botany, And Jurisprudence Medical, I fancy you will find Enough to fill a busy brain—that is, if you have got any; You cannot cure the body till you 've amply stored the mind. You '11 come when we are ill, like some benevolent inquisitor; Or gallant feats of Surgery shall startle all the town; While plunging into Lunacy you may become a Visitor Appointed by the Chancellor, like Dootor Crichton-Browne. Here, surely, is a grand career—to cure our poor humanity Of all the ills to which our flesh is heir—a noble strife To wage against each fell disease, disorder, and insanity— To wrest the victory from death, and give the patient life. And when you 've studied all you can, in order categorical, When vou have worked at every branch of science under sun, You '11 find—the illustration's not my own, but is historical— You pick up pebbles on the shore,—you 've only just begun! 162 [ArjRtL 9, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. AN IMPARTIAL STATEMENT IN BLACK AND WHITE. ESTHETIC LADY AND WOMAN OF FASHION. WOMAN OF FASHION AND ESTHETIC LADY. SOMETHING LIKE A PUNISHMENT! Sword and Umbrella Department. Sentimental Order, No. 24,000,000,487. The "Cat" having been happily abolished through- out the British Army, the following regulations for dealing with serious offences will come into force immediately:— 1. A Soldier who has misbehaved himself in the face of the enemy by abject cowardice, or by being drunk and incapable when acting as a sentry on active service, shall be liable to oarry extra articles on the line of y. march under certain specified restrictions, that is to say— A. He shall be authorised to have someone told off to help him when he complains of fatigue. B. He shall be allowed strong beef-tea and other "hospital comforts" on making application to the doctor. C. The weight of the extra articles shall be fixed by a Com- mittee of Lady Members of the Royal Society for the Preven- tion of Cruelty to Animals, and other kindred institutions. 2. A Mutineer who has escaped to the enemy, and been recaptured, may be tied to a cart or a horse in cases of supreme emergency. When this particularly harsh course is pursued, however, it must be clearly understood— A. That the prisoner may demand that a large easy-chair shall be carried in the cart for his private use when suffering from fatigue. B. That he shall have permission to ride on the horse to which he is attached, whenever he pleases. C. That the speed of both cart and horse shall be at all times strictly regulated by the prisoner's wishes. It is to be hoped that when the above humanitarian regulations (so thoroughly calculated to maintain discipline in the Army) have been firmly established, that the British Public will at last be satisfied.' By order of the Civilian M.P.'s. April 1st, 1881. {Signed) tf®N«HB, Registrar. A BIT FOR BULL. Cheer up, Bull, good dog! Not so bad after all. You are sick of short commons? No wonder, old boy. Your snacks for so long have been scrappy and small, That a jolly good feed you 're prepared to enjoy. There, don't be too eager, nor wag that old tail With a joy that's excessive, perchance premature, For Great Expectations you know often fail, Of what vulgar dogs call a " blow-out" don't be sure. That brace of herce fowls are as ravenous quite As the brazen beaked harpies old Hercules slew; Can't drive them off yet, lad, nor " pot" them outright, As the demigod did that Stymphalian crew. But cheer up! They 're provided for pro tern, at least; Can't promise your platter, old boy, will be full, But when they and their like have been fed, though your feast Won't be rich, you may find there's a bit left for Bull. PARIS AT PUTNEY. {Notes by our own Jules.) Le Coach— Admiral a Cheval (" in sportmans language," Le Coach-man). Le Crab.—Fruit special de la Course {eueilli du fameux Crab- Tree). . Cornet-Reach.—Maison de Campagne de M. Corney Gram. The Umpire.—Personage important {ordinairement le Lor Maire, en costume de "Boatswain '). Le Dead Heat.—Mort sur la Course ("of the two Crews together ") evenement ordinaire du " struggle.' Training.—Facon d'arricer a Barne-hridge; par 1st Class, 2nd Class, 3rd Class. Return Teekets." And The Odds.—Sobriquet Britannique ("coarse joke ) pour les Etrangers—les " lookers-on." PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—April 9, 1881. *mu/Ti INTERCEPTED. April 9, 1881.] 165 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ffh The Barrett-tone and the Prick-Fighter. COURT CARDS. Madame Modjeska's Juliet is just the sort of experienced young person one would expect to result from the early neglect of a vain, weak, handsome mother, Lady Capulet (Miss Giffard), who had shirked her maternal responsibility by confiding the child to such a repulsively wicked elderly woman as the Nurse, whom Miss Le Thiere has contrived to divest of any redeeming quality of humour. Whether Shakspeare meant to incul- cate "Spare the nurse, and spoil the child" as the moral to mothers from this play of Romeo and Juliet is not mentioned ,by his commentators, and may probably, therefore, be the point of the piece since so many erudite muddle-heads have overlooked it. Genius being above rules of con- struction— so much insisted upon nowadays, and so little understood— the action of this play is wearisome, and Madame Modjeska does little to relieve it. Her art is evident; she is all actress; self-conscious, incon- sistent, disappointing. Once, iu the- atrical slang, she " gets a curtain," but it is a bed-curtain which she brings down with a run after drinking the potion that ought not to have caused her a pang, but which clearly gives her such fits as to excite in the audience a feeling of resentment against the respectable Friar Lawrence (Mr. Rydee, of course), or rather against what seems to be Friar Lawrence's "Sell." Mr. Forbes Robertson, though decidedly good in a great^deal, makes Romeo too much of a hybrid between an effeminate aesthete, and the modern "Good Young Man" of Exeter Hall proclivities. How so gay and gallant a ruffler, so witty and dashing a man- about-town as Mercutio could ever have "consorted " with such a mawkish, die-away, priggish, badly-dressed youth as this Romeo, it is difficult to imagine. With the exception of the Rev. Mr. Ryder, known in stage religion as Friar Lawrence, Mr. Wilson Bar- rett's Mercutio is the best played part in the piece. Of course this character is always popular; the more so, as, strangely enough, he is not absolutely essential to the plot; indeed, he seems to have been thrown in either because there was an actor in Shakspeare's company who would have been getting a salary for walking about and doing nothing unless provided with something in the new piece, or the Bard was inspired with the Queen Jtfab idea, and had to create a person in whose mouth the lines might be appropriately placed, who could make his mark as an eccentric character part, and be then killed off to the great regret of all who had seen his chivalrous bearing, and heard his bril- liant discourse. "Whom the gods love die young." But—that scoundrelly Ty- balt (Mr. Price) to light so unfairly, to pink this pink of fashion, and then to run away! That fight is badly man- aged, and so is the entire "scrimmage" scene, which, but for Mercutio making a first-rate end and "dying game," would be singularly ineffective. If Mr. Wilson-Babrett suggests the stout heart and the pluck of Mercutio in his dying moments, his thoughtfulness for his page is a touch of the man'B kindly nature. Mercutio was a "real good fellow,"— and his slightly impatient "A plague o' both your houses" sounds rather like a regret for his own meddling than a re- proach to Romeo, through whose fault he has met his death, and who has nothing more consoling to say to his dying friend than that A "Pint" op Cooper—"She does make me so wild!" Juliet beings down the Curtain, but not the House. "he did it for the best!" Oh, these " Good young men!" Tak< away his sword and dagger, and give him a peacock's feather and e lily. Mr. Clever Cooper is capital as old Capulet. Ah! frivolous as my lady his wife appears, she must have had a trying time of il with that comic but peppery old idiot. Mr. Anson plays Peter, and then doubles the Apothecary,—Peter and re-peater. The Apothecary ii evidently improved by the process of "doubling," as, instead of being a thin, half-starved, pitiful, sneaking creature, he is as lusty as a butcher, and has somewhat the air of a brawnj blacksmith temporarily out of em- ployment. .Romeo-Maudle looks lik< a mere lily-fed lanky aesthete by the side of this burly, sledgehammer- fisted, murderous-looking, musculai chemist. What a thankless part ii this Apothecary's.' Why this tradi- tional fuss about its importance? Ii it worth the first low comedian's trou- ble for the sake of the "makeup," oi saying "Who calls so loud?" and oi the exit speech about his "poverty" and "not his will"? The piece is well placed on the stage, and is worth a visit foi the sake of Friar Ryder, Mr. Robertson in the Balcony Scene Madame Modjeska in the bedcurtain, and Mr. Wilson-Barrett speaking soft and dying hard as Mercutio. Mr. Anson "Doubling" the Apothecary,—A Chemist and Druggist rolled into ONE. ELECTIONS IMPROVED. Legislation dealing with Corrupt Practices is about to be proposec by the Attorney-General, in connection with Mr. Carbutt's Bil for closing public-houses on the day of an Election. It will possiblj be improved by the adoption of the arrangements following:— Pending the time of polling, not only public-houses to be closed but likewise restaurants and confectioners' shops, at most of which also, strong liquors can be obtained; whilst treating to buns anc pastry may be practised at all, and any Venal Elector can sell hii birthright for a basin of mock-turtle, or other soup. The Licensed Grocer's, of course, to be shut up as well as th< Licensed Victualler's. All the other shops to be closed for the sake oi equity. Every Election Day to be made a Bank Holiday for th< electoral district. Every Voter, on presenting himself at the polling-booth, to b< tested as to sobriety by an officer in attendance, who shall not pas: him to deposit his ballot-paper unless he find him able distinctly t< enunciate the appropriate words, "British Constitution." Th< Elector incapable of articulating these words quite plainly, to b< held drunk and incapable of exercising the elective franchise. A Spinster on the Census. The Census is past, and how hard it appears, When I 've been thirty-five for the space of ten yeara, To find out, while my relatives heartlessly roar, That I 've had to confess to an honest three-score. A Mitey Little Joke. The Midgets were immensely delighted with their evening a' Mr. Labouchere's. "General," said Mr. Ufneh, on leaving, "I guess you 'd like t< come here as offen as possible? The General instantly replied, " Guess I 'd like to come here mucl Uf'ner."—[This was not in " Truth.") reid's entire. Captain Matne Reid, with Mr. John Latet, junior, edits thi New Journal for Boys. Of course, under such direction there '11 b< nothing in it they Mayn't read. The Boys are quite e-Latey'd. Polytechnic. Easter Novelties. Dr. Lyon Playfair will lecturi on Oleo-Margarine, illustrated by magic-lantern butter-slides. Hii comic assistant, Mr. Hashmeat-Tartlett, will perform a solo oi the Butterine. Concluding with Sir Sherbet Smackswell's ccta brated "Soapstone Chorus.' Prize for "Slade School" Students.—The Nude-i-get. 166 [April 9, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SaiTARE AND UNFAIR. Ora friend Jeames of Buckley Square took up his Morning Post and read as follows:— "If Mr. James's Bill were pressed to its logical conclusion, its ultimate end would be, that all the squares in London would be thrown open to the general use of the public." (i "Evins!"exclaimsMr. Jeames, can t b'leeve my eyes! Buck- ley Square thrown hoping to the hoypolly, as the French sav I And to think as this should be the pro- posal of anyone baring the hon- nerd name of ' Jeames '!" PUNCH'S FANCY PORTRAITS-No. 26. Lancashire v. Ireland. Ireland must really look to its laurels, or Lancashire will soon surpass it. The other day a man was kicked to death at Old- ham; and a few days afterwards another man was kicked to death at Wigan. The Wigan outrage took place at a house that had already been celebrated as the sceno of two murders. Perhaps if amputation could be inflicted as a punishment, the crime of kick- ing would not find so many sup- porters? Mr. E. E. Kay, Q.C.-the strict i.—was maae a Judge last week. Excellent appointment- quite "0. K." Forecast prom the Trans- vaal —Cloudy. More Suzerainv weather. National Anthem for the Boers.-"Pretty See-uze-rain, don't say No.'" j^*t . wu HON. EVELYN ASHLEY, M.P., First-class Chairman op Railway Rates and Fares Committee. MORE DIRTY WORK! The Liberals are particularly unfortunate. They have had to clean up an Indian mess which was left by their predecessors; they have been worsted in an Lmpire-at-any-price war which was prepared for them by Shep- stone, Frere, and Wolselet- and they have had to meet Irish obstruction by knocking holes in Constitutional Government. This is not all. They are now com- pelled to interfere with the liberty ot the Press, and to seize, printers, editors, and type in a way that must remind people of the much- abused French Empire. A Parochial Reminder. As the London Season is just commencing, it is as well to re- mind our parish rulers of their duties as road-menders. Pall Mall, Regent Street, Piccadilly, St. James's Street, and other im- portant thoroughfares ought to be closed at once, even if the work of re-paving is not commenced for a fortnight. Care should be taken not to apprise the Gas or Water Companies of this work, so that the new paving may be immediately torn up again for the supply of bad gas and worse water. what it will comb to. Brown. Where are you going to this summer? Jones. Nowhere. I 'm going to take the wife and girls to the Mem. from Evehrn's Diarv —" The M„ri- r„„ n i. theatre twice, and to the Opera slacken speed on SiAvatS line" ^ JSgwe" °Ught *» once thb ,«»«m, and after that-U _ | can t afford anything else. (No. 1.) ruRPs, r LETTERS TO A "HANGER." i I*SfI&*&?%?0a pre8e.nts her compliments to Mr. i~\K-A- Lady Iitz-Blushrose has a young■ vroteare aid to be the Miaoulis. Why not call it the Sea-Mew t 168 [April 9, 1881, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. LIGHT AND FRIGHT. AN ELECTRIC SHOCK IN THE CITY. Scene—London at 8-30 p.v. on the 31«< of March, 1881. Gog {excitedly). Hi! Magog! Wake up, you confounded old snorerI Wot's all this here blaze P Magog {rubbing his eyes and blinking). It's a reglar horoarer! Gog. Wot's that P Magog. You are ignerent. Lor! it's quite blinding! Gog. Some blessed new noosance; they 're always a finding Fresh sorts o' disturbance. Magog. By Jingo, I know! It Is March thirty-first. The Electric Light!! Gog [viciously). Blow it! Magog. You can't, Gog, wus luck! Gog. Wot a shame! wot a pity! I 'm sure we don't want no more light in the City. I 'ate it, a radical, scurvy Magog. Percisely. And where is the call for it? Things went so nicely When all was kep quieter, snuggerer, dimmer. Gog. Ah! sweet as the old common Parish light's glimmer; The quiet old oil-lamp by science unaided. The light of them old " other days" has quite faded, Its glory is past! Magog. Bother Jablochkoff, Siemens, And Brush Gog. A new broom! Yah! Delirium tremens It gives me a'most! Ugh! The scheme is to frighten meant: When the City gits light it will soon git enlightenment. Magog. Our fears for the future a werry large class shares— Gog. Wake up then! Come down—and let's buy all the gas shares. [Exeunt both, cautiously. THERE AND BACK; OR, SOMETHING IN STORE FOR HIM. The highly successful ruse of sending off Sir Frederick Roberts to the Cape in time to arrive there for the First of April, coupled with the still threatening and uncertain state of affairs, has led to the following arrangements on the part of the authorities. It will be seen at a glance that though of a provisional, they are not of an unpractical character. (1.) On Sir Frederick's approach off Plymouth being notified, he will receive, by signal, the K.G.C.B., together with a copy of the words of a Life on the Ocean Wave," and be ordered to return to the Cape forthwith without landing. (2.) As soon as Sir Frederick's fresh arrival off Durban is again uinounced at the Horse Guards, he will receive, by cable, a nigh :avalry command in the Marines, be requested to learn " Ye Mariners >/ England" unofficially, and hold himself ready to return home, igain without landing at a moment's notice. (3.) Sir Frederick, having once more been telegraphed "off Ply- noutn," his elevation to the House of Peers and his nomination to an Sonorary Lordship of the Admiralty will be intimated to him by ■ockets. He will, however, be under immediate orders to depart igain for South Africa, without Betting his foot on shore; and be requested to familiarise himself with the easier portion of the horn- pipe on the way out. (4.) Sir Frederick being now again once more well south of Natal, it will be broken to him gently by cable that a life passage, out and home, on one of Messrs. Donald Currie's finest vessels has been secured for him; and that in consideration of the moral effect pro- duced by his long and honourable service on board, he will now be created a nautical Earl, and expected to remain permanently at sea. GRAND JUBILEE UN1TEESITY PBOCESSION. Heads of Houses with Outrigger Sculls. The High Jumpers. The Two Skippers. The Broad Jumpers. "The Man in the White "The Man with the Red Hat." * Tic." Postmasters of Merton with four-posters. Oxford Dons, in Spanish costume. .a H A Bunch of Caius Men. Odd Fellows (Cambridge) ns Riquets with Tufts. Presidents of the University Triposes and Unions. % Smith's Prizeman, in Cap and Pinafore. Doctors of Music, singing notes out of the University Chest. Hi a" e p 3 The Craven Scholar, tied to bis M.A.'s apron- strings. Mr. Macmillan, M.A.,in Scotch-Italian or Mac- Millanese costume. The Senior Wrangler, supported by Props, and preceded by Riders. Bull Dogs. Specimens of " Cats." Bacca-laureates, with pipes. Maids of Arts. Eights, in Gloves, with their Stretchers. The Poker. Mr. Punch, D.C.L. The Wooden Spoon. NEW COINAGE. If a Sovereign is twenty shillings, what is a Suzerain P _ Not exactly a Sovereign, and not a Guinea. Is it the same as "a quid" P If so, pro quo f Improved Drill and Discipline.—"Eyes Right!"—but no Lashes. I3T TO CoKKKSrOMDESTS.- ■TKe Editor does not hold hl:nse!/ bound to aek-nowUdge, return, or-panfor ContrViuhons. stamped ami directtd envtlopc Copies should be kept. In no com can Ihete be returned unless accompanied »» a ArRiL 16, 1881.] 163 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. EASTER, 1881.—YE BATTLE OF BRIGHTON. Charob of y* Landladies. Heroic Defence of t« Volunteers. [Section of New Grand Panorama.] DOMESTIC REGULATIONS FOR THE EASTER VOLUNTEER REVIEW. 1. Landladies will prepare to r' t. . *> *. V- . ,.»,. N^O. . Monday Night, April 4.—My first Budget night; Mr. Glad- stone's eleventh. Got down early to he in at the beginning, hut found every seat taken. Have to be there at prayers, you know, to secure seat. Great access of devotion on days like this. Every man feels drawn towards the Chaplain, and would sooner miss his dinner than his prayers. Was curious to see what happens on Budget night. Understood we all got a bun and a glass of Cape Sherry as we passed out, like the Blue Coat boys on Somebody's anniversary in the City. Gladstone a minute or two late. Looks very well; nicely brushed up, collar and necktie carefully attended to. Spoke for two hours in plain, busi- ness-like fashion, more in Stafford Nobthcote's way than Glad- stone's. Lingered when it was all over, but neither bun nor sherry. Suppose the custom is obsolete, like many other good things. Gladstone himself took refreshment in most unblushing manner. Saw it as soon as he came down. A pomatum-pot of the sort they used to sell bear's-grease in. Brought it out of his coat-tail pocket, and placed it on table beside him. New game this, thought to my- self: going to stop half-way through the speech, and oil his hair. Could not be his own, though. Perhaps brought it down for Fobsteb. Presently, when half-way through the speech, seized the pomatum-pot, put it to his lips, and took a big pull at contents. New way this to oil your hair; but evidently did Gladstone good. Effect plainly seen in the ferociously oily manner in which he "most humbly, mildly, and modestly" asked Sir Walter Babttelot and Mr. Wabton to suspend their judgment on affairs in the Transvaal till they could be properly discussed. Business done.—Budget Resolutions agreed to. Army Discipline Bill read a Third Time and passed. Tuesday Night.—Charged against Irish Members in present Par- liament that they fall short of reasonable expectation in the matter of humour. Cannot be denied that for eleven months this charge has appeared reasonable. Triumphantly dissipated to-night from most unexpected quarter. Absolutely last man expected to see a 17* [April 16, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. GORST M.tr.OHSTEn (JHAVT-llUFF AND Can't-olt-awayo. WITH Kin a joke, much less to make one, is Arthur O'Connor. Arthi-r was, 1 am told, brought up in the vestry line of publio business. Certainly a good deal of the vestry style of eloquence in his Parliamentary manner. Always making interminable speeches about twopence, which descanted upon by the hour at a time in a level voice, ami with imperturbable manner not exciting. House owes Aktht/k long grudge, but cleared off to-night. Hap- pened at dinner time. O'Donnell on his legs descanting at large on the iniquities of the Government. Not a single Member on the Treasury Bench. Elsewhere Benches conspicu- ously empty. Members supposed tu be comfortably seated at dinner. Great joke to disturb them. Bring them in just when soup on, or fetch them out at a critical moment when delay would spoil the lish. Not quite an original joke. Often tried with immense suc- cess by Mr. Bigoar. "Joey B. dev'lish sly," Colonel Colt hurst says. "Gets his dinner at one o'clock, wallows in buttered muffins and sugared tea at six, and at eight, when Gentlemen are sitting down to dinner, comes in and has the House counted, fetching them all trooping in." It may be Mr. Biggar's original joke, but it was greatly improved upon by Arthur O'Coxnob. Huv- ing calculated the precise moment when Members might be supposed to have the tish in, he called the attention ot the Spkaker to the fact that there were not forty Mem- bers present. 0' I>0N.\lll, who was feeling his way round the ques- tion, abruptly sit-t down. Bell rings, door flies open, Joey B. rubs his hands in glee, thinking of the lish exposed to the east wind. Mr. HkaLY smiles grimly, and Abihcr ()'Con,\or looks as if he deserved well of his coumry. It will take ten minutes to count, which will be so much time lost. A h und red to a hundred and fifty English Gentlemen will be inconvenienced. Foesteb will be brought back; per- haps Gladstone will be interrupted in some import- ant business. The moments passed in pleasautantiuipation. Doors wide open, bell ringing, nobody coming. Joey B. begins to look anxiously towards the door; Mr. O'Connor also feverishly straining his eyes in that direction. One or two Members straggle in, but where is the rush of interrupted diners? Another moment gone; sand nearly run out of the glass; only twenty-live present. Joey B. doesn't quite understand it. Mr. Healy scowls; Arthub O'Connob, the great original jokist, who never performs out of Westminster, sits staring at the duor, a strange pallor gathering over his face. Sand run out; no more come in; Speaker counts; forty nut present; O'Donnell's speech spoiled; Irish debate cut bhort. House up. "He! he! he!" said A rthur O'Con- nor, laughing hysterically, "a joke, don't you see 'r" No; Mr. O'Donnell didn't see, nor did Joey B., nor did Mr. Healy, nor did half-a-dozen other Irish Members who had speeches ready. Gathering impres- sion amongst Irish Members that they will have to get Abthub O'Connor re- elected on a vestry. His humour is too fine drawn for the House of Commons. llumnets dune.—Huuse Counted Out at Half-past Seven. Thuii'iay Aight.—Everyone grieved and shocked to discover that designing men have been imposing upon the simpli- city of Randolph. If Randolph has a fault it is the tendency to submit his judgment to that of other men. So retiring, modest, and ingenuous! Just the sort of man to be taken in by a tale of simulated sorrow or a narrative of fabricated grief. LlSTENINO F0K Two HoUBS ON THE S'l'UETCH. Physical Iorje-teh. It appears that a short time ago distinguished Conservative agent palled and told RvNDOLrH that Sir Charles Dilke and Mr. Brassey were at the back of the Freiheit. Mr. Bkassey had temporarily ham- pered his considerable fortune by ad- vances, whilst Sir Charles Dilke had been ohliged to smoke smaller cigars of an inferior brand. "Dear me," said Randolph, his ingenuous eyes wide open with amaze- ment at this information. "This must be looked into. Members of the Ministry. Left wing. Radical plot. Bradlatjgh in it, I daresay. Part of a Government scheme to remove Crowned heads, and dock perpetual pensions." A month ago Randolph would have issued a summons for a Cabinet Coun- cil, and the whole powers of the Fourth Party would have been brought to bear on the case. No Fourth Party now. Bill for the Limitation of Recovery of Small Debts broke that up. Randolph had to decide for himself. First im- pulse to go and ask Dilke was it true. Knows him well; might be even the right thing to do. But private friend- ship cannot stand in the way of public duty. If Dilke gotwindof thediscovery, Brassey had already left the country, saved." said Randolph, meditatively The Decouaiiyk 1'arnei.l IN THK llo'.SE. KaTIIEB a Selhet Slimno Pau- NhLL JUsT NOW. Please not to touch the (Sik) Stupfsd Figurb in the Atti- tude of the Oppo- sition. Painful to observe the he would burn his papers. "Our Capitol must be feeling in the wrong place for the end of his moustache "It was saved once before by cackling. I will cackle." So the dear boy came down to the House, and ca*t into its unsuspecting midst notice of a question on the subjeot. House, which knows Randolph, laughed; Ger- many, which knows him not. looked grave. Now to-night turns out to be a ridiculous hoax. Randolph can afford much from the wealth of his nature, but he cannot afford to be laughed at. Resolves to turn over a new leaf. This ingenuous mind, this modest mien, this hesitating speech, this deference to elders, and this readiness to assume thatpeople know better than he, will not do. Randolph is glad Recess is coming just now to cover his discomfiture. When the House meets again he will be a changed man. Business done.— Irish Land Bill intro- duced and read a First Time. Friday Night. - Macullum is no More. Came down to-night to the House of Lords and formally announced his resignation. placidity with which_the House of six Members takes intelligence which Nature has appro- priately preceded by so terrible an earthquake. Immediately after Lord Stbatheden and Camp- bell proceeded to discuss Turkish affairs. S. and C. not nearly so refreshing as B. and S. Earl Gban- ville rather sorry he got rid of the gout in time to hear this speech. Sits with face wearily turned towards S. and C. Salis- ijlby, sole occupant of front bench opposite, turns his back on him. S. and C. sustained by frequent pulls at a glass of water which he stows away in his hat, drones on, finally (1 roningthe Lords into the Easter Recess. Commons also adjourned. Met Gladstone ooming out. "Good-bye, Toby, he said; " I am off for a spell of holiday at Hawarden." "Sir," I sail, "I should have thought your life was already a sufficiently hard 'un." Hut I don't think he saw it. JiuiineU dune. - -Parliament adjourned for Eastw Recess. Lises. April 16, 1881.] 173 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. NOGGINS OF NECTAR. [A Song of the Smock-Frock.) I" Besides what I have said on their case, I must also refer to another ease to the case of those who are b t er known as Burton brrwers, to whom we an indebted for providing us with one of the best beverages ever produced sinoo nectar went out of fashion."—Mr. Gladstone on the Seer-Tax a* affecting Brewers] Bill Gladstone all we, mates, med prize and exalt, Consider'n twuz he took the dooty off Malt. "Wnat naaishun fools we wuz!" the Torees must swear, "Fur to let un gie we chaps the goo-by, so, there 1" The love o' malt liquor Bill owns to; for hear In his Budget spauhe how a cried up Burton Beer; Said we owed them there Brewers a beveridge about The best ever perdooced sence when Nectar went out. What wuz 't a called Nectar is moor nor I knows; But some sart o' strong Beer I be led to suppose: Good old English homebrewed 'tis most razon to think. 0 the days that be gone and 0 likewise the drink! Where now's the stone jug as once foamed wi' mild ale? Tis a Beer that's been banished by Bitter and Pale. Not a word in these days 'bout the Nutbrown of yore And nobody never names " Stingo " no more. Him as turns up his nose at prime Allsopp or Bass, 1 wun't noways gainsay but what that man's an ass. But the best of all beers that there be under bung, They ben't half like them there I remembers when young. No wonder when now, wi' folks' new-fangled wavs, 'Stead o' barley they brews out o' wutts, rice, and maize, And sugar, and serrup, and stuff sitch as that, Whereas, farmerly, ale used to sparkle, 'tis flat. From tavnrn to tavurn in vaain we med roam. 'Twur the best plan to brew for our own selves at whom, And drink health to Bill Gladstone, for malt duty-free, In what I calls Nectar—the Nectar for me. Not none of your Clarrut, whereof, true to say, You no forrader gits when you drinks it all day. But sitoh Beer in my boyhood as used to pervail, Long afoor either Bitter was thought of, or Pale. HOW IT WAS SETTLED (?) (From a History of Europe to be Published in 1980.) The statesmen were assembled for the last time. There were six of \ u o* Frenchman pined for his dominoes. The German thirsted for the Bavarian beer, which he assured everyone was not to be ob- ™ in. Constantinople. The Russian missed his gentle gambling. The Italian and Austrian were both asleep. The Englishman alone seemed to be interested in the subject under consideration, but even he murmured something that sounded like "Want to go back to London to attend to business." "What shall we do?" at length asked the Briton, after a very long pause. A universal vawn was the only answer. At last the Frenchman, who had been exhibiting signs of impa- tience, took the initiative. , "9°Ue2£u*}#. Ct'pies should be kepi. April 23, 1881.] 181 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE BALACLAVA CHARGE-ONE SHILLING- PANORAMA. TTraysTlLES to right of them, Turnstiles to left of them. Go the Six Hundred Thousand!—at a shilling a head. The entranee to the Panorama is suggestive of something between a heathen temple (with turn- stiles), a theatre, a music-hall, a church (with turnstiles, of course), and a mausoleum. You are not allowed to go straight before you, but have at once to turn to the left and descend. Be careful of the steps. Why go down to a Panorama t This is the first mystery. After the first twenty steps there is a refreshment- stall, apparently let into the wall. Here a military person, in uniform, with medals, was regaling himself; but unless positively fatigued by your exertion so far, you had better delay refreshment until your return, when you may need it. The military veteran is, I fancy, retained for past services on the establishment, and may be inclined to afford information of considerable interest to a very civE civilian. At the bottom of the steps there are two passages open before you, one to "the right of them" and one to " the lett of them." Which to choose ? is the question. I suspect that the veteran whom I passed on the landing above ought to be here prepared to receive visitors. In the absence of this distinguished sentinel from his post, take the left and you '11 choose right. Along tortuous melancholy passages, until, if you happen to be alone, you are about to give up finding the Panorama at all, and are beginning to feel like a Babe in the Wood without the other babe, when you come upon a heavy oriental curtain, which you lift ner- vously under the impression that you have lost your way, and wandered somehow out of the Panorama into a Turkish Bath. You are not quite sure also that you won't turn up in a Linendraper's establishment next door, and suddenly appear from a trap-door under the cashier's desk, or shoot up behind a counter in the back shop. However it is all right, lou lift the curtain; you pass beyond the mystic veil; you ascend—thank heaven, at last you ascend!—and far off—up abovo vou a voice is heard, shrilly and clearly, "Book of the Panorama, Six-pence / Panorama and Guide, Six-pence!" Then another voice adds, "This way down; this way down"—and blessing your stars that there is at least one sweet little cherub who sits up aloft to keep watch for the visitor, you cheer up and reach the top—only to see nothing at all, except a lot of people crushing each other against some obstacle, and looking at something which you hope is the Charge of Balaclava. The first point is where to begin. Go straight before you, elbow every one out. Here you will be wedged in by several other people with elbows aa energetio and powerful as your own, and here vou will have to remain until you fight your way to another position. Take care your hat is not knocked off into the sham battle-field. To find out who is who in the picture is difficult. A French General taking off his cocked hat and saluting the audience as though he had just finished a " scene in a Circus on a trained steed," attracts the attention at once as a figure both natural and graceful. Lord Cardigan can be recognised without trouble; his Lordship is in a very flourishiug condition, and apparently calling out to the Artist, "Here! hi! look at me/ I'm the fellow for you to take!" The Artist took him, which is more than the enemy could do. Sir George Wombwell is down in the plan of the picture, but 1 couldn't find him anywhere. Happening to inquire of some one where the popular "Sir Jabge" was in the Panorama, 1 was informed that he had just left. No wonder I couldn't find him. The information given me was, I subsequently ascertained, strictly correct, as at that precise moment the missing warrior was talking to a friend in Regent and 1 cannot blame him for not being in two places at once. Unfortunately I dropped my Guide-Book into the field of battle, where it disappeared for a second among the property cannons and waggons, only to reappear in the stuffed hand of a dummy Russian in remarkably thin-soled boots, where, unless it has been since swept up by the charwomen on duty, it may be taken for a military despatch, or a code of secret signals just tumbled out of the soldier's pocket. Owing to this loss I have somehow got into my head that the Artist's name is Sfoilpot—or something like it. The general idea suggested by Messrs. Sron.roT & Co. seems to be, "' O let me like a soldier fall,' only be sure there's an Artist there to see me." The military actors in the scene seem to have done deeds of theatrical dai ing with one eye on the enemy and the other on the Artist. But for all this—'tis a clever picture, and—there's money in it. In consequence of this success there will, of course, be a surfeit of Panoramas; and already there is one advertised for Oxford Street, and another for the Crystal Palace. Shall we go hack to Dioramas and Cosmoramas P C< the happy days when we were young! THE REAL CITY CENSUS. The Corporation seems waking up. Not content with the great experiment they are trying with so much success with the Electric Light, they have deter- mined to set an example to the Govern- ment, and show them what a Census ought to be. They seem to say, Who cares where a man sleeps? we want to catch him when he's wide awake, and not only up, but up to everything, from Peruvians to Consols, from Tea to Tallow. So every ?;ood Citizen will be asked, on Monday he 25th, a few questions of quite a ditferent character to those just answered by the rest of Her Majesty's subjects. These said questions have been under the consideration of the City Officials for months past. The Engineer drew them up, the Comp- troller controlled the operation, the Acting Remembrancer acted his Eart to perfection, and saw that nothing was forgotten. The Town lerk made so many Minutes of their proceedings that they occupied several hours. The Chamberlain in full Court Suit introduced them to the City Solicitor, who solicited a copy for his especial perusal, "perusing Eame, 13». 4d." We have been unable to obtain a Proof of the proposed Census Paper, ours being under proof and under censure, so we sent a mes- senger to the Foreign Office to ascertain how these things are managed, but his reception was so uncommonly warm that he left hurriedly. However, having a slight acquaintance with a certain Compositorj in a certain office, named Rogers, we administered such a composing draught to him, that he furnished us in return with a draught of his own composition from Rogers' Pleasures of memory. A few extracts from this may be acceptable;— Questions to be answered in full. Who are you P What are you P Where are you when you are at home P What is your Wife's name P What was your Wife's name P What will your Wife's name probably be some day? What was her age 10 years ago? What is it now? Have you a Mother-in-Law? If not, why not? What age is your Elder Brother, and how long has he been your Elder Brother? Is he anybody else's Elder Brother? Does he belong to the Elder Brethren of Trinity House? If so, why? How many people do you employ, and do you call them all Em- ployes, or only those who cau speak French P What is the average age of the oldest among them? Do they sleep on the Premises after dinner t State with great particularity the largest number of Persons that ever passed your door on one day, taking as an average, say, Lord Mayor's Day? State thoir average ages and occupations? What annual amount of Profit do you make P What amount do you return to the Income Tax? Are you on friendly terms with the Assessor? How many Horses does your Father keep? What colour are they? Does he bruise his Oats P How many Beans make five? How many Horses pass your door from sun-rise to sunset, distin- guishing those in single harness from those in double harness? Explain why those in double harness require more harness than other Horses. When you are out, does your Mother-in-Law know you 're out? How many Persons have entered your Premises during the last twenty-four hours? (N.B.—This is the important question. By counting every visit as a separate Visitor, and carefully mani- pulating say, the two men and a boy of your establishment by send- ing them out all day on short errands for very trifling matters, you can swell up the number of Visitors to something almost too awful. Moderate energy would raise your number to at least 500. As there are about 10,000 houses in the City, if all the inhabitants follow your example, the people in the City on the eventful 25th will be proved to amount to about Five Millions, which is exactly what the Day Census is intended to prove.) Change of Name.—Since the groundless attacks upon Mr. Bbas- set and Sir Charles DmcE, in connection with the Freiheit new> ■ paper, they call him Lord Rajtdom Churchill. VOL. LXXX. 182 [April 23, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARL LADY GATHEREMALL AT HOME. Sfiss Midas. "You're the first Commoner I've ever danoed with, Captain Pretttman!" The Captain. "No, really? MONERS TO AVOID?" Why, what is there about tou for Com- THE BRIGHTER DAYS OF BANKRUPTCY— A CONTRAST. Yesterday. Why do all the assembled Creditors look so miserable? Ha! that must be the Debtor's Solicitor dancing a fandango by himself in his private room! How quaint that that suspicious-looking man without a shirt-collar should have been appointed Trustee! Though the debts in this liquidation are proved to the amount of £5374 9*. 6rf., as the assets are set down at £122 10»., everybody, one feels, will get a little. Did I understand you that the Trustee, the Solicitor, and the insolvent Debtor are finishing the evening to- gether at the Criterion? How strange that, 'though three years have passed, nobody has yet got anything! It grieves me to hear the Trustee say he "will punch my head well" if I don't mind my own business. Considering all things, the insolvent Debtor is now really looking remarkably well. To-moreow. I am not surprised that the beautiful statement of the Bankrupt has moved the Court to tears. Give the highly-respectable Solicitor, who has managed the whole business, his well-earned Six-and-eightpence, and let him go. If the Taxing-Master has all this good news broken to him at once, ne will certainly go offhis head. Look! Somebody has paid One-and-fourpence into the Bank of England! I thought the sudden announcement that there might possibly be a small dividend would send the Creditors into hysterics! This straightforward, honourable, manly insolvenoy is positively refreshing. Ha! there goes the Trustee into the water off Waterloo Bridge! This dividend of Ninepence in the Pound leaves the proud, upright Bankrupt without a shadow of a stain upon his character. Ha! I thought so. The Judge himself has just an- nounced his intention of "going through his own Court like a man." A NEW ATTACHMENT. In consequence of the many mistakes discovered in the procedure in the Lord Mayor's Court (to wit " Foreign Attachment," &c), this wonderful "palace of justice" will be known in future as the Lord Mare's Nest. BILLINGSGATE MARKET AGAIN! Probably most of Mr. Punch's many- readers thought that the statement quoted by him the other day, from the proceed- ings of the Court of Common Council, with regard to telegrams being sent by Billings- gate Salesmen to their consigners to the following effect, "Send no more fish at any price," r'Market glutted," &c, was of a rather staggering description, considering how scarce and dear fish is and has been, but what will be thought of this :— "A system which allows the vans, whose con- tents ought to he on sale, to describe continous and interminable circuits in crowded thorough- fares under a summer sun, is especially unfavourable to the buyer, but not so unfavourable to the salesman. It avoids, to a certain extent, a glut: and a glut is the salesman's difficulty, but the buyer's opportunity. "The vans which arrive first at Billingsgate may contain fish for which there is no particular demand; instead, therefore, of being unpacked, they are forced to move on and thread their way through the crowded thorough- fares of London, till they are ablo to obtain a fresh place in the line. One van, whose caso was exceptionally unfortunate, returned in this wav, not merely time after time, but .lay after day for eleven days! The fish wh"ich it contained was, of course, ultimately condemned." Mr. Punch is quite prepared to believe that these statements will be received by all who read them as something not only incredible, but utterly absurd m their extravagance, and yet they are literally "Sole Oh!" true, and are quoted in the Citizen, as forming part of an official Report on Billingsgate Market, just sent by Mr. Spencer Walpole, the fish inspector, to the Home Secretary! No wonder poor Londoners are longing in vain for cheaper and fresher fish, and the almost incredible statement just quoted is another proof of what shameful waste and shameful neglect are allowed to exist where the interests of the many are sacrificed to those of the few. Of course, it is the poor who suffer, as usual. The poor plaice and the humble herring must make way for the princely salmon and the lordly turbot, and go on their weary round getting staler and staler and flabbier and flabbier, till even the Billingsgate inspector coa- demns them as too bad even for the poor. A Rhyme with, a Reason. Your skill as a painter of portraits bids fair To become the town talk. (Please pronounce it as talc, 0 Holl !) Your health! May your pictures be found everywhere— Ubiquitous,—just as Herr Muntz declares alcohol. The Ki-bosh-for-us. Turkish Official (at '•I T> -1 I TT? Lighthouse, hailing English Vessel). Hi! Bechesm! Kismet! What the deuce are you doing? Here! British Sailor {on the look-out). What the deuce are we doing? Doing the dues. (*.* But if this is so, this sort o' thing won't due.) Apbil 23, 1881.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. lillllllllllllWiSillllllllli ■EAST." SOU'-WEST." TO THE NORTHERN TERROR.—AN APPEAL. "When hate is hushed, and hot-tongued clamour dies, "Wisdom speaks forth. Not hers the vengeful shout Of Mobs or Monarchs, whose conflicting cries Clash like cold blades in some barbaric rout With the bloodthirst upon them. Ringed about By olouds of strife, she fixes steadfast eyes On Truth's unshifting pole-star. Dread and doubt, Power's fierce wrath, Revolt's loud revelries, Shake not calm Thought, which high above the tumult flies. Only the heart will ache. So long, so sore The blind contention; hate that still breeds hate; Bloodshed that never better fruitage bore Than profitless reprisal. He who late Shook the serfs' fetters loose, and did the State A more than princely service, shattered falls, A prey to sleuth-hound malice—harshest fate That e'er struck kindly heart—while frenzy calls In menace to the heir in his Imperial halls. Dark menace, and with purpose vague of form E'en to its frantic framers; like the rage Of sightless Polyphemus. Hearts will warm To patriots who open warfare wage Boldly against the tyrant of their age; But mole-like Murder mining, blind as sly, Its ruthless way, with indiscriminate gage Hurled against good and evil, low or high, Is treason to the cause of ordered Liberty. She must disown the lurking fiends who 'd blast A blameless legion in her sacred name, And from her roll of honour coldly cast The assassin—branded with the assassin's shame. When he, the gentlest of his line, whose fame Was the Enfranchiser's, so foully fell, All generous hearts ilune back the lying claim To hail his murderers heroes, knowing well The hate that prompts such deeds is set on fire of hell. And now the vague vast Terror takes a voice Of human sort, nor all inhuman tone, Proffering Power a peremptory choice. Out from the dark it comes, of source unknown As that which moaned Pan's requiem through the lone Arcadian woods; yet better thus than still Mine on in murderous muteness 'neath the throne, A creeping death, a cold and cruel will. Sworn blindly to subvert and bloodily to kill. Put manhood in your wrath, nor foul the work Ye call divine with demon ruthlessness. No longer poison-fanged and snake-like lurk On the hard path which Power awhile must press, Although of will the thralls to free and bless Whose galling chains were forged in earlier time. Not ermined Power alone should bear the stress Of the world's strife, nor take the stain and slime Of all its age-old wrong, and many-centuried crime. Kings have their heritage of shackling ill As well as Peoples. He enthroned to-day Lifts with the crown the chain; patriot good-will Would grant e'en Kings the vantage of fair-play. Hate is a hound o'er prompt to track and slay, But 'tis the work of dogs, not men, to rage Red-fanged yet still insatiate for prey. Let human ruth inhuman wrath assuage, And leave in History's roll one unensanguined page. "Spoons!" The not very numerous, and rather useless class, who are .born with silver spoons in their mouths, are not the most enthusiastic admirers of Mr. Gladstone's Budget.. They objeot to suck away threepence an ounce every year for six years, until at last their spoons have lost nearly ten per cent, in value. Possessors of the family tea-pot are also dissatisfied, and Maiden Aunts are unable to Bee why their little property in plate should be slowly and surely depreciated. 184 [April 23, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Mrs. Bernard Beere. Not at all a half-and- half Bort of person. Low soul'd, but high- heel'd. MICHAEL STROGOFF; Ob, None are so Blind as Those who Wox't See. Mkhasl Stroooff is the very piece for the Adelphi. The English version of Messrs. D'Ennert and Jules Verne's drama has been thoroughly well done hy Mr. H. J. Byron, who has put into his own part plenty of what the old Greek Actors—or the old Grecian actors-were wont to term, professionally, "(par." Prologue.—VLt. Fernandez, disguised as an old something (Plate 1), accompanied—he doesn't sing, but still he is accompanied by Sangarre, Mrs. Bern'ard-Beere, who looks decidedly handsome as a sort of niece of Azucenu the Gipiy in II Trovatore, with lots of jingling coins and very fashionable high- heelea boots,—obtains a " pass for two " from a very gentlemanly official, of whom they speak between themselves 6omewhat fami- liarly as "the Guv'nor." These two, Ivan Ogreff and Sangarre travel together throughout the piece, and as he is always appearing in some new dress, and she is perpetually in this fancy Zingara costume with the high-heeled boots, it seems as if they only wanted some little encourage- ment and a tambourine to induce them to give their first-class entertainment consist- ing of national airs and dances. But whether on account of her having left her tambourine at home, or from any lack of specu- lative energy, or from their not hav- ing had "an agent in advance," and having been "well billed," the result is that they never do anything at all, at least, not in this line, and so far are perpetually disap- pointing the public. If we reject this theory of their in- tending to come out as duettist enter- tainers, the reason of their travelling to- gether is not at first sight apparent. The Guv' nor wants to get a secret des- patch conveyed to the Grand Duke. Whom can he trust? "Michael Strogoff," suggests Mr. T. A. Palmer, representing the eminent General Kiezoff, who doesn't reappear after this bit of advice—so "We are a Merry Family, we are!" Charles the " A Warner!" and Miss Gerard, who is not cheered up by Mrs. Hujimin' Whbezin. After the Battle. Appearance of the Sole Survivor, the Artist, Mr. Beverley, who was, of course, on the Bpot. much for Kiezoff and he'» off. Enter Michael Strogoff. Here the dialogue is conducted on the Ollendorff plan. We forget the exact words, but this is the idea:— The Guv'nor. Who will take this letter? Michael. I will take this letter. The Guv'nor. To the Grand Duke? Michael. To the Grand Duke. The Guv'nor. You will see your mother? Michael. I will see your mother. No —I will see my mother. The Guv'nor (a little irritated). You will not speak to your mother? Michael. I will not speak to your—I mean my mother. The Guv'nor. You swear it? Michael. I swear it. [_Salutet mechanically'jtnd exit abruptly. FlGURrS of Fun-andez. Penny Plain, or Twopence Coloured. l'Ute 1. Mr. Fernandez as Oi/rrff. (1st dress.) J lite 2. Mr. Fernandez as Ogrtff. (2nd dress.) Piatj 3. Mr. Fernandez as Ogrtff. (3rd dress.) Plate 4. Mr. Fernandez as Onreff. (4 th drosi.) Then the guests enter and the Curtain descends. The prologue finishes with a brilliant fete given in the Guv'nor's grounds, which bear a striking resemblance to Cremorne in its best days. We should have mentioned that everyone in the Prologue seems bound for Yarkootz, or Airkootz, or Earkootzk; but of their precise destination we are still uncertain, as there was a pleasing variety about the pronunci- ation. For ourselves, we rather fancy that, on the whole, the weight of authority, without reference to the Russian Brad- thaw, was in favour of Airkootzk. ACT I. — Here stands a Post House. A very droll scene follows between Mr. II. J. Byron, as C'( >mic Correspondent of, we should say, the Family Herald, and Mr. Irish, who represents the equal- ly comic French Correspondent of some Parisian paper, say the Journal pour Hire, and the fact that it is "pour rear" will account for his always allowing his brother journalist to be getting before him with the news. All the scenes between these two are very funny, and prevent the piece, which mainly relies upon spectacle, from ever becoming dull. H. J. B., the Comic Correspondent of the Family Htrald, and the Ameer or Emir. "Woa Emir!" After the Burning of the Town in lbs Lust Act they "take it hazy." Nadia Fedor (Miss Gerard), an interesting young lady travelling alone to visit her father, tells her touching story to Michael, who asks her to travel with him as his sister, to which she cheerfully consents. Why not f A charming companion. Mr. Fernandez (Plate 2) enters with Azucena's niece and has a row with Michael. More Ollendorff dialogue :— April 23, 1881.] 185 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI. Ivan. You will not fight me? Michael. I will not fight you. Ivan {who hat evidently seen Box and Cox). Then come on! [" Comes on" by himself, thrashes Michael, and goes off with Azucena's niece in Michael's trap. Michael and Nadia follow hoto they can, and on we go again in the direction of Airkootzk. ACT II.—Telegraph Office near some place that is much spoken of as " Coaly Van." Another funny scene between the Comic Cor- respondents. First appearance of Mrs. Vezin, Mrs. Strogoff {MichaeVs mother), a"very troublesome person, while Mrs. Bernard- Beere, still as Azucenas niece in high-heeled boots, whispers to somebody whom she can trust, " Observe everything and say no- thing," whioh seems to be her own rule of conduct, as she stops in corners looking unutterable things and striking attitudes, which, remarkable in themselves as specimens of poses plastiquet, lose some- thing of their value by not being connected with any particularly definite meaning. Mrs. Strogoff gets her son into trouble for the first time. The place is blown up, and discovers a battle-field after a successful engagement. This scene alone will show that Mr. Beverley's pencil can draw all London. ACT III.—Mr. Fernandez in another costume (Plate 3), tries to terrify the Comic Correspondents, who are then brought before the Ameer, with whom Mr. Byhon is jocosely familiar—the scene being most intensely absurd from its utter improbability. Roars of laughter. Mrs. Strogoff gets her son into further difficulties. Of this troublesome but well-intentioned old lady Michael Warns)— an association of names from Dickens's Battle of Life by the way— might say:— Who was it met me with a «hout, Who was it nearly got the knout, And made me get my eye* put out P My Mother! So his eyes are put out at the cruel' Ameer's command, and Mrs. Strogoff swoons. Here the Act should end, but it doesn't, and A Well-Mounted Piece. Michael, apparently blind, leaves his mischievous mother for dead (no such luck), and is led off by Nadia, who now kindly undertakes the part of the blind man's dog. ACT IV.—None are so blind as those who won't see, so Michael turns out not to be blind at all, and his mother to be as lively as ever and ready to get him into another difficulty, which she does forthwith. They are relieved from aperilous situation by the Comic Correspondents, who shoot all the Tartars and take them away— still towards Airkootzk—on an inconveniently crowded raft. Ivan sets the river on fire, and we are shown another grand scene by Mr. Beverley, representing the town after the conflagration. ACT V.—At the Grand Duke's. Enter Mr. Fernandez (Plate 4), terrifio struggle between Michael and himself: triumph of Michael and consequent end of piece. What hod become of Azucena's niece we did not learn. Perhaps she was somewhere about, still conscien- tiously posturing in corners on the stage, but hidden from the gaze of the audience by the smoke which lingered fondly on the scene; or perhaps in the interim she had obtained a good engagement at the Opera House at St. Petersburg; but no one particularly cares, and all ends smokily but happily. The acting, where there is any, is good, but decidedly the Comic Correspondents have far and away the best of it. Altogether a decided Attraction Engine. A CONTRACT UNDER SEAL. First Letter, addressed to a Cabinet Maker. Dear W. E. G., Of course I was very much obliged to you when you made me a Peer. Still, the position has its disadvantages—it is difficult to find anyone to quarrel with, and I have been obliged to give up my bicycle. Under the circumstances, therefore, I think you owe me reparation. In a word, pay your debt by making me Privy Seal. I am sure I could make more of it than the Budget, and I am satis- fied to leave Vernon Harcourt at peace (?) in my old quarters at the Home Office. I will promise not to play the fool this time. Yours (always the same), {Signed) Bob, Second Letter, addressed to a Cabinet Maker. Dear and Right Hon. Sir, I have not addressed you for some time, because I have felt that I have not been altogether fairly treated in the matter of Military Reform. If you will be so kind as to carry your memory back to a few years ago, you will recollect that it was I who invented the now celebrated Army Territorial mixture. Mr. Chil- deus at the time, I believe, was all at sea at the Admiralty. But let that pass. I would merely hint that I believe I can do as much for the re-organisation of the Privy Seal as of the Soldiers—perhaps re-organise it away altogether! Need I say more? I write myself, more in sorrow than in anger, {Signed) An ex-Cabinet Minister in the Lords. Third Letter, addressed to a Cabinet Maker. Dear William, "Without being guilty of presumption, I think I may fairly suggest that my reign at St. Martin's-le-Grand has not been quite unsuccessful. Now it seems to me that there is a natural transition from handling a letter to using a Seal. I have noticed that the "post" (as we would say at my office) of Keeper is vacant. I think if I am appointed I may very shortly be able to supply the Public with the article at a rate unprecedented for cheapness. I would willingly resign the Telegraph Clerks too to other hands. But do not hesitate to say " no" if you think it advisable. You know from experience that /can wait. Sincerely yours, {Signed) Henry. Circular Reply to the above. My Dear , Is it necessary to say that you are the very man for the position of Keeper of the Privy Seal? I really think not! But you know how dearly I love a good practical joke! When I am in a rollicking mood, I cannot refrain from doing something to make everybody laugh! So I have offered the Privy Seal to Carlingford! And the best of the fun is—he has actually accepted it I But here comes the pith of the jest I I have told Carlingford that he must carry the Irish Land Bill through the House of Lords! Poor Carlingford, it is rather hard upon him I But you must admit it is a splendid pleasantry! Yours, most cordially and hilariously, {Signed) W. E. O. A Club Dialogue. Excited Club Member {to a friend). I say, wasn't that Tompkins who just went out of the Club? Friend. Yes. Tompkins, (J.C., now he's just taken silk. Excited Club Member. Taken silk 1 Yes, and left me cotton. He's just taken my umbrella. Here—hi! [Rushes out after him. SPARKLERS. By Our Own Diner Out. Mr. Toole and Sir Frederick Leighton, whose well-known love of net-fishing often leads them into exciting adventure, were, one afternoon last week, intent on their favourite pursuit on the parapet of the Thames Embankment, when Sir Frederick suddenly tumbled head-foremost into the water. There was the usual rush to the side, and the President, striking out lustily, and crying for help, shouted out that he should be drowned. "No, you won't," rejoined his witty colleague, watching his struggles with evident humour. "You won't be drowned. You're bound to be hung, you know. When this was repeated by the crowd to the Thames Polioe, who came up five-and-twenty minutes later, they laughed so im- moderately that they could scarcely pull the distinguished Acade- mician out. "Rectification of frontier at Tunis, indeed!" said Lord Cairns the other dav, meeting Captain Gosset suddenly in the Lowtner Arcade. "How are they to do that, Sergeant, eh P' "Well, my Lord, they have already got the ' Bay into Straits."" was the quiet, but brilliant reply. Lord Cairns smiled, but has not been the same man since; but who he supposes niinsell to be nobody knows. 183 [April 23, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVAEL A SECRET. "My dear! She 's fearfully got up! No wonder she looks Youno I" "My dear I I 'm told she always goes to Bed the whole Afternoon, when she '» coming out in the Evening. SHOULD LOOK LIKE THAT, IF WE TOOK THE SAME CARE OF OURSELVES!" We THE DIARY OP A HOLIDAY. Monday.—Came down to Hawarden to spend the Easter Recess quietly. Delighted to (jet away from the House and all its worries. Think I shall enjoy myself. Given orders that under no consideration whatever shall letters be forwarded on to me from Whitehall and Downing Street. Consequently greatly annoyed at receiving a tele- gram from Howard Vincent, telling me that "the Fenian Skir- mishers had sentenced me to death." Replied that the whole story had been declared a canard. _ This Howard Vincent admitted, but hinted that " he was still going to take proper precautions to secure my safety." Knowing my man, 1 wish he wouldn't! Tuesday.—As 1 expected! When I came down to breakfast this morning found no tea-urn. Detective apologised. He had seized it, thinking that it might be an infernal machine! At lunch when 1 put my feet under the table they came in contact with a Police Constable! The man confused. Admitted that he was acting under the orders of Howard Vincent! Really this kind of thing is intolerable! Wednesday.— Took a walk in the Park. Thought I heard footsteps and turned round. Came face to face with a whole Division (inclu- sive of the Reserve) of Metropolitan Police! Very angry! Super- intendent apologised. They were obeying the instructions of Howard Vincent! They had been told to follow me about everywhere. Asked if I had any objection to their band accompanying them! Lost my temper! Thursday.—As I would not be bothered any more, determined to keep my bed. As the air was chilly, ordered a fire to be lighted. Result—brought down a Detective who had been keeping guard in the chimney! Friday.—Still in bed. The only place where I can secure peace and quiet. Clumsy footman bringing in the luncheon tray fell down and broke all my best crockery T Very much annoyed! On threatening to dismiss him, the man confessed that he was a dis- guised policeman! Howard Vincent means well, but I do wish he would mind his own business! Saturday.—Tired of bed. Such a lovely morning, that I could not refrain from getting up to have a little wood-cutting. Dressed myself and went into the Park. Had just taken off my coat and waistcoat, when I was suddenly seized, gagged, and handcuffed. Before I could expostulate 1 was hustled into a special express train with iron blinds all down, thence into a prison van and driven off at a gallop to Scotland Yard. When I got there (late at night) 1 was taken at once into the Private Room of the Director of Criminal Investigation. Howard Vincent profuse in his apologies. He said that there had been some mistake. The fact was his men, seeing me with an axe, and knowing that there were Fenian Skirmishers about, had taken me for Exploded!!! A CHANCE GONE. If Patience is a Virtue, and if Virtue is its own reward, how much money are Messrs. Gilbert and Sullivan likely to make out of Patience f By the way, what a much better name for it wouM b« The Dado. Wouldn't Lord Coleridge have rushed to his Lempriert, and consulted his Labouchere in order to find out who Dado was r Queen Dado!—a lovely title! And what a chorus, "Dado, Dido, Dodo!" Clearly, Messrs. G. and S. have lost a chance. There would have been a Lady Da-do born on a Quarter Da-do, and so forth, who, in the Author's best style to the Composer's best music, would tell us " How I came to be a Dado." There would be a venerable Dado alluded to as " Kind Old Dad-o.'" Then a quaint madrigal, "As it fell upon a Da-do," with a plaintive refrain of "Well-a- day-do!" In short, the opportunities, or, to quote Professor Joseph Miller, the opera-tunities were enormous; and only such a prolific pair as Messrs. G. and S. could have afforded to neglect them. couplet prom: an eastern extravaganza. Porte {eyeing Britannia curiously). Say, wiU you interfere in any way? Britanr.ia (bashfully). Sultan! I can't—hem!—" not before th» Bey!" PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— April 23, 188L TWO "SUZERAINS." Poktk. "FRANCE WANTS TO ANNEX TUNIS! BEY APPEALS TO ME! WELL-I 'M HIS SUZERAIN, DONT- CHERKNOW P" BMTAiraiA. "OH, I'M THE LAST PERSON IN THE WORLD FOR ANNEXING ANYTHING. BESIDES, I'M A 8UZERAINE MYSELF!!" April 23, 1881.J 189 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKIVAFJ. FROM THE RANKS. VI. Sir,—I'm a night-oabman, ana see rum starts at times when you 're do- ing your bit of shut eye. As I sit on the box, hour after hour, listen- ing to the clocks a striking, and s winging my legs, with an occasion- al whistle to keep up my pecker, I thinks to myself of who and what that last fare was that I 've just took to bed, and reckon up his little ways and manners. lie wasn't a real gen- tleman, I make up my mind, for ho used my own lamp to see whe- ther the coin he held was a florin or half-a-crown. That was a mean trick, you '11 allow; and while I think of it 1 nip down and blow out those lamps, which are no better than a noosanoe, tho' the light does cheer a man in his solitude. By the cut of his jib I set him down as a lawyer—an Old Bailey lawyer without a doubt, for he nodded to Jem Biles, the noted pickpocket, who was mouthing about at the corner of the Haymarket as my swell went in to buy a a bacca. And then all the waiters at the Criterion grinned at him, and I know more than one Old Bailey practitioner as has no office except for show, and a sort of hutch for the grubby clerk, and chooses to do all his business standing at the bar of the Criterion. Bless you, yes. There's one I 'm thinking of who was generally to be found there when not in Court; turning a compliment for the bar- maids just to keep his hand in, and practise the toothy smile which he always used to put on when he d just tumbled a witness into perjury. I've seen young gents rush in there, all pasty-faced and anxious, of an evening while waiting for a job, and have a word or two with him in whiskers, and pluck up courage, and order drinks, and be quite rowdy again and imperent under influence of the rosy, till to-morrow's headache brought a sense of their position. And ladies, too, we watched arriving in broughams, with veils down, who 'd creep in trembling and rubbing up agin the doorpost as if they wished they could git between the hinges, and who d make a signal and crawl out agin, with him follerin' and gettin' into the brougham with 'em to have a long palaver, he looking like a hawk, while they cried like anything. I carried him reg'lar once, so I 'd every advantage for watching the game. There he used to stand over the bar, waving what he called his " forensic finger" (whatever that may mean), and chatting and laughing with hat at back of head, as if there was no sioh thing as care, and all the folks crowding round, with great guffaws, to hearken to Ms spicy jokes. And then praps one of the veiled ladies would show in the doorway, or else his grubby clerk would shamble in and mutter somethin' whilst eyeing the drinks sideways out of the corner of a wishful organ, and passing his dry tongue around his leathery lips, and standing on one foot, with the other on the instep, just as I 've seen cranes do at the Zoological. And when that grubby clerk came (looking so queerly out of place among the tiptop swells and gaudy decorations and glittering glasses and bottles), the joke—whatever it might be—would be snapped in two like the swinging of a convict's door at Millbank—(don't poke your fun at me, and sav as how I 've no business to know about Millbank doors) —and the nat would take a turn, and come down all of its own accord over the domineering frown, and he 'd ask that grubby clerk, in a voice as sharp as a City waiter s knife that's cutting ham, what was up? and his eyes would glitter like hot coals, and he 'd scratch his stubbly grey pate, with the other hand under his coat-tails ■ and the admiring audience would take a swig at their drinks, and. per- litely look the other way while my bloke considered the case over and the clerk was nearly mad with envy of the liquor. What a rum fish he was, to be sure, and what a life he led! You never could tell where to take him. One minute he 'd be like ile, the next he 'd blow your head off. I fondly believe that nobody knew him so well as I did. Certainly not his wife; as certainly not his clerk. He had no friends—real friends I mean; tho' he was smothered with acquaintances, and tormented out of his life by clients. Maybe he was so deep-versed in other people's crime that he never knew genuine peace—was alway fermenting, as it were, like wine, with bad stuff that wouldn't keep at the bottom. Any- way, he got into a habit of going about hisself as if he 'd murdered some one, whose skillington was a rattling. He was a perambulating riddle. Nobody was to know where he lived, and he was never at his office, and yet he had more shady cases on hand than any lawyer breathing; and he could be so jolly and familiar and light and gay when he wasn't pulling your heartstrings out in court. Many a time he's said to me, "John" (my name's William), "I shall want to sleep in your cab to-night, so go home with this note, and fetch me some warm things." The note was open, and it didn't seem to matter who read it—me, or the Missus, or the maid. What a start! And then I 'd bring back a rug and a greatcoat and a travelling cap and muffler, and he 'd bid mo drive him to a secluded Bpot where no one passes by of a night, and he 'd call the night-Bobbv, and give him a shilling or two not to disturb his rest, and coil liimself up like a dormouse, and there was an end of him: while I trotted up and down the livelong night, and at a given hour I 'd wake him, and he 'd have a cup of coffee at a stall hard-by, and an easy shave and wash-up for a penny, and then Bit reading, reading great long briefs and things, and hail a hansom when the time came, and rattle oft to plead, as fresh as paint and as smug as a parson! Whatever did he do it for? I used to wonder. Was he afraid to go home? Why F If he could show himself in Court, why should he not sleep cosily in bed as free-hearted Christians do? Was it one of the peculiar crooked fads which we 're all subject to, and which show we 've a bee in our bonnet somewhere? or had he a cause for slinking so? I believe Nature meant him for an eel. Be that as it may, I never cleared it up; and now he's dead and gone, and has left it all a queer London mystery. But I must beg pardon, Sir, and say good-bye for the present. Your humble Servant, W. Pidditoot {Known in the trade as Billy Gooseberry). MOORE MODERNISED. THE CHAUXD OP THE C0CKXEY SWELL. Am—" This Life is nil Chequered with Pleasures and Woes." This suit is all chequered with crosses and stripes, Which I wear as I walk by the wide winkley deep. I am one of the tourist world's toppingest types, And I purchased these togs in Cheapside on the cheap. So closely they fit to my elegant shape, That the fall in my back every optic may see; And, if you should take an Apollo, and drape Him in chocolate tweed, he would look much like me. Just tottle me up! I 'm all in it, dear boy, With tile ever shiny and boots ever tight; Like all Things of Beauty, for ever a joy, The envy oi toffs, and the ladies' delight. When I stroll on the sands all the girls try to count The number of pockets my garments display: There are twenty, all told,—'tis a tidy amount, Though there isn't much in them, I'm sorry to say. There are many like me who in youth would have tasted The fountain of Pleasure that "flows by the brine, But their precious small " Bcrews" they on tipsters have wasted, And left all their pockets as empty as mine. But let's have a liquor! 'Tis jolly good fun To do the cheap toff in the Hall by the Sea 1 Though I mayn't sport a mag when my holiday'» done, Go it stiff while you can, is the motto for me! How to Travel by the Daylightful "Daylight Route." Dress yourself in a real suit of chain armour. Provide yourself with a revolver, a life-preserver, and a bowie- knife. Carry a fog-horn, a waterman's rattle, and a steam-whistle. Lay on a telephone wire between you and the nearest police- station. Surround yourself by Detectives. And then possibly you may journey in a third-class carriage on the Metropolitan District Railway without much fear of being sub- jected to molestation! 190 [April 23, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. BANKRUPTCY FOR THE MILLION. There was a time when the rich had a monopoly of all the luxuries, and the poor had to he content with the leavings of the rich. Many years of free-trade, liberal government, and penny news- papers have changed the order of things, and now the most vene- rated delicacies are brought within the reach of the multitude. Early strawberries, plovers' eggs, as- paragus, ortolans, and green peas are as plentiful as blackberries— more plentiful, we are glad to say, as we never relished blackberries; and even bankruptcy, which was once the exclusive luxury of the aristocratic trader, is now to be as common as excursion trains or fourteen shilling trousers. Mr. Chamberlain has brought in a Bill which proposes to give a creditor for the paltry sum of £20 the power to issue a flat, and which also proposes to abolish the special protection accorded to Members of Parliament. A debtor who cannot or will not pay his tailor's bill is now to be treated with as much consideration as a "merchant prince," and unpaid milk-scores are to rub shoulders with the greatest financial swin- dles. The blue-blood of insol- vency ought to rise against such insolent Radicalism, before the Church, the House of Lords, the Lord Chamberlain, and the Meddlevex Magistrates are swal- lowed up in the general vortex. PUNCH'S FANCY PORTRAITS.-NO. 28. UNHEALTHY OCCUPATION. The work of a Reviewer. At the best, his condition is always critical. LORD CARLINGFORD, Fiat Jvstitia, ruat Who takes the Duke op Argyll's Post, Privy C(SLUit 1 A BLESSED BABY. Who wants "an addition to his domestic happiness "? Here is an advertisement which offers him the means on moderate terms:— "The Yankee Rubber Baby.— A Startling 1*. Novelty.—Goes in the waistcoat pocket. Blows out to life size. Is washable, durable, and un- breakable. Resembles life—for, like the real article, it coos at pleasure, yet screams awfully if smacked. Even experienced fathers are deceived by these laughter-producing infants, and no home can be a really happy one without their cheering presence. In long white dress complete, boys or sirls, fourteen stamps; twins, post free, 2s.—Address, &c, &c." Here is domestic happiness— Smelfungus observes—for child- less husbands, and for single men. Here is an addition, or a contri- bution, to domestic happiness, even better than the real thing. The Rubber Baby makes a horrid squeaky noise, is easily blown out. and'then goes pop,—quite a little Poppet. What an advan- tage to poor mothers to be able to pop a Baby! Tell this to the School-Boara. The Rubber Baby is of course able to play whist from its earliest infancy, and has therefore a natural provision against a melancholy old age. LEICESTER SttUARE DIALOGUE. Indignant Illiterate Youth (to a Friend). I say. look 'ere! this 'ere's a swindle! They calls it the Penny-rammer, and they arks me a shillin' to go in. 'Ere, I say —where's the Perlice? Friend (seeing a Member of the Force). 'Ere! [Exeunt both swiftly. WHAT DOES IT MEAN? _ During the Recess we instinctively turn to the adver- tisements in our daily papers for healthy recreation and amusement. And among the theatrical amusements alone do we find that pure English, that frank candour, that ingenuous modesty which are so dear to us all. But among the advertisements now appearing there is one which we confess puzzles us. Here it is :— ST. JAMES'S THEATRE.—Notice.—In deference to a generally expressed wish that some performances of THE K\ LADY OF LYONS should bo given at this theatre, the itanage- ^^ ment begs to announce that this favourite play will be pro- duced on EASTER MONDAY NEXT, and repented on each alternate night with Mr. A. W. I'ineho's successful comedy of THE MONEY-SPINNER. What is " a generally expressed wish?" In the country when we see that " by desire of the garrison The Clergyman's Daughter will be performed," we understand that some mature syren has succeeded in making a gallant officer a greater idiot than even nature intended him to be, When we see "by desire" in London, we know that the Author has got hold of the Manager, and over a cigar has suggested. "Why don't you put up that piece of mine for a bit, old man?" But the above advertisement fairly floors us. How is a wish gene- rally expressed? Does an occupant of the Gallery arise, and having caught the Manager's eye with any missile handy, proceed, "Hi! you there! Just chuck that up! We are sick to death of it. You play the Lady of Lyons, or I 'm blowed if I come here again." Or does the proud owner of a box throw a bouquet on to the stage, in which is artfully concealed a note, "No more flowers for you unless you play the Lady of Lyons." Does the Pit rise as one man, and " generally express a wish "? Or do the Stallites wait at the stage-door, and having taken forcible possession of the Manager, threaten there and then to take his life unless he immediately pro- duces the Lady of Lyons t Again we ask, How is it done? THAT ACROSTIC. We hate Acrostics, and would send Across Styx the inventor of these fearfully absorbing puzzles, but having undertaken to supply the answer to the Acrostic in last week's number, we hasten to inform the two thousand and one excited Correspondents that they are anything but "all right up to now," and that the real solution is— Bbatkb. Spoilt. EuS. EggfliP. AkimbO. Verdi. Ephemeral. RegreT. But what is the object of the Acrostio device still remains, and ever will remain, a hopeless puzzle to us.—Ed. 2nd. Note.—On second thoughts, as we do not understand any- thing about the matter, and as, in these Nihilist days, we may pos- sibly be the victim of some dreadful plot, we beg to state that the correctness of the solution is not guaranteed; but we only hope and trust it is all right. If it isn't—"Revenge, Tlmotheus cries!"— and Timothy means what he says.—Ed. Accounted For. "The Bey immediately despatched a Note on the subject to the Austrian and Italian Representatives."—Foreign Correspondencr. "' The European Concert' vain? The discord much too soon is. And what's the cause?" "Well, come, that's plain,— Why, this Note out of Tunis.'" THE LONG AITD THE SHORT OF IT. "Back at once from the Cape! When I so longed to fly at it!" "That's short service, Sir P.—and you 've had the first shy at it I." April 23, 1881.] 191 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. -"•». This is a Q^AiN't way of putting it. To CoiBIsroiTDIirra.—The Riitnr dries not hold hi:melf bmaut to aetnotclrdpe, return, or pan for Contribution!. llamjictt and directed cnvtlopt. Copies should be kepi. In no cote can theu U returned tmltu accompanied »j a April 30, 1881.] 193 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. PRESENCE OF MIND. Tommy. "Oh, kiss us too, Janet!" Janet (conscious tf Mamma's approachingfootsteps). "Don't »AY ' Kiss me Two,' Tommy. Sat, 'Kiss me Twicb!'" TO LYDIA'S GLASS EYE. "From particulars supplied to the reporter of a Chicago paper by a denier in gl.iss eyes in tnat city, it appears that there are as many as a thousand wearers of these eyes in Chicago. . . Twenty years ago there were sold many mure dark eyes than light . . . about twenty light eyes are now sold to one dark."—lime*. Wink at me only with glass eye, And I '11 respond with mine, And smile not when the harmless fly Goes crawling over thine. I care not for the colour there, Dark brown, or black, or blue, Or even if you wink, ma chere, With eyes of different hue. I sent thee late a new glass eye, Impervious to the tear, Tinged with some new jesthetic dye, And quite " too utter" dear. You '11 wear it, won't you, when you think How faithful it must be. For it is warranted to wink At nobody but me? Sisters in Art. The Princess Louise, Marchioness of Lorne, contri- buted some admirable sketches to a recent exhibition of the Society of Painters in Watercolmirs, and now her eldest sister, the Crown Princess of Germany, has sent a very clever drawing to the Institute. It is a study of a head, and would do credit to a professional artist. By the way, when are all the watercolour exhibitions going to amalgamate and let us have a Watercolour Academy, at which this essentially national English Art would be worthily represented? It has been talked about often enough, when are we to see the " Meeting of the Waters" realised f Great Britain P The Government has published a Parliamentary return in which it is obliged to admit that 101 persons died of absolute starvation last year in the Metropolitan distriet. This disgraoef ul record might be doubled or trebled if Coroners had the courage to call deaths by their right names. MONA-SYLLABLES. Just a few words about Mona. Is the Licensing Act in the Isle of Man only a local law? The other day at Douglas, Mr. James Tati.oh. landlord of the "Clarendon Hotel," was charged by the Police with keeping those premises open during a time when that Act directed them to be closed. Mona's Herald proclaims that— "P. C. William McLaughlin deposed that on Sunday, the 3rd inst., he went into defendant's house, and saw Mr. Nicholls (of the Imperial Vaults) and his wife there." The presence of Mr. and Mrs. NicnoLLS—the former, besides being Mr. Taylor's brother in business is own brother to Mr. Tay- lor's wife—constituted the whole head and front of Mr. Taylor's offending. "His Worship then asked Defendant what he had to say to the charge? "Defendant snid: 'Last Sundiy Mr. Niciiolls and his wife, and ine and my wife, went out into the country together. When we came back they called in to my house. '1 hey had nothing to drink, 'lhey are the only friends we hare in Douglas.' "In reply to his Worship, Witness said he did not see any drink before them." Presently his Worship observed:— "You will hare your own way next Sunday. "Inspector Jloyd. Only for relations. "His Worsh'p. Theu everybody will be able to go in next Sunday—they will alt be relaiions. "Inspector ISoyd. Oh, no. The relations are defined. By the New .Act. Mr. Nicholls can go in, as he is Mrs. Taylor's biother; but Mis. Nicholls cannot. If she does she will be subject to a penalty. "A fine of 6s. and costs was imposed." Queer Manx Law this. Sure, such a pair was never seen so justly formed to meet by nature as this Dogberry and Verges of the Isle of Man. THE CONFERENCE ON COIN. The Monetary Conference is sitting, but as far as one can see, it doesn't seem likely to hatch anything particularly golden in the shape of a financial panacea. The three or four waggon-loads of pamphlets on the Currency take a good deal of time to sleep over, and the specialists with a scheme for extinguishing national debts, have a trick of extinguishing their audience to begin with. But one or two decisions have been definitely arrived at; and the Universe can pay its income-tax in full confidence that it will be muddled away according to the most ingenious systems. The objection to bi-metalism evinced bv countries which only possessed bronze and copper was soon overruled; and the suggestion of the San Fandango Anarchy that promissory notes would torm a nice handy medium of circulation, met with a somewhat undiplomatic reception, which led to an interchange of coinage specimens in oroide, Dutch metal, and zinc, which was not internationally courteous. Post-obits payable on assassination of South American Presidents are not to obtain currency on this side of the Atlantic. The Turkish motion on the subject of compulsory lending is only expected to be brought forward the next week, and the spirit of the Conference is so commercially coarse that three nations will meet it with a direct and even indignant negative. Francs and sous seem to be first favourites with the great majority of the Conference; but we have not noticed as yet any insurmount- able objection to British sovereigns—even on the part of French Republicans. "Words! Words! Words!" We welcome the re-appearance of an old friend, Household Words, which comes to us wearing a new wrapper, cut somewhat after the respectable pattern of our beloved Family Herald. Omit the "notes and the fashion-plates and the remainder is excelL .t. We wish the periodical "Edited by Charles Dickens" every suoo ;ss. VOL. LXXX. 194 [April 30, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. \ r **\ THE CAMPBELLS ABE GOING, "OH DEAB! OH DEAB!» A REAL RADICAL CAREER. Born in a library in the Adelphi—a working literary man's working room, surrounded by working books; transferred to " Merry Islington " for purer air, and lodged in an old-fashioned house in the Upper Street (No. 215) looking across the pleasant fields of Canonbury; sent to a dame-school in Colebrooke Row, Islington, kept by a Miss Salmon—a Row in which Collet Cibber died and Charles Lamn lived; meeting at this school young Master Rose, who was afterwards to be his great friend and business adviser; sent to Walthamstow to a Unitarian minister for further educa- tion, and coming home for the holidays to find his father dwelling in a fine old house in Bloomsbury Square (No. 6), with a grand square hall supported on stone columns, a broad stone staircase, and a sitting-room with a lofty marble mantel-piece supported by massive caryatides; apprenticed to a lawyer in the Old Jewry, and sitting on a high stool inventing romances while supposed to be mastering the dry details of a dry profession; budding into a popu- lar and mysterious author, and taking the town by storm; becoming the curled darling of fashion; entering Parliament after one or two rebuffs, and making an apparent failure in a,"maiden" speeoh; uttering something very like a prophecy, and trying again; becoming a great debating if not a constructing power in the House of Com- mons; finding a stupid and obstructive party without a leader of commanding intellect, seizing that leadership, and maintaining it for nearly a quarter of a century in spite of aristocratio sneers and aristocratic prejudices; rising to be the most trusted adviser of the Crown, and the most notable and important Peer in the House of Lords; and dying at last, peaceably, full of years and honours, admired and regretted by all parties, as the Right Honourable the Earl of IiEACONsrrELD. This is a real Radical career—a career that is barely possible in any other country than England, and only partially possible in America; a career that every low-born, clear-headed, determined boy may have in his school-bag. At the Prince of Wales's. Nervous Old Lady {to Box-Offi.ee Keeper). I've come to take places for The Colonel—{hesitates)—but I won't—unless you assure me that there will be no firing. (The assurance is given—Old Lady still hesitating.) I hope you 're not deceiving me. I really am afraid, as the'name sounds so military.' 03jhj Apml 30, 1881.] 195 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI- SORRY HE SPOKE." Bulky Old Gent [making the twelfth inside). "Phew! Dreadfully stuffy these 'Busses!!" Strong-minded Slim Lady {severely). " Wb did not remark it till you came IN, Sir 1" 2 0 0 PUNCH'S PROPOSED RAILWAY RATES. Per Mile. Dk in old Ladies who are amiable and chatty . . . . £ 0 0 04 Venerable ana cross Females with less than six packages . . 0 Ditto, ditto, with more than six packages . . . . . 0 Ditto, ditto, who object to smoking, and refresh themselves in tun- nels 2 Agreeable Spinsters of mature age . 0 Disagreeable Old Maids ... 0 Ditto (with pet animals) 5 Pretty Girls 0 Ditto (who are engaged) 0 Old Bachelors (who smolce) 0 Ditto (who object to smoking) 10 Crusty old Gentlemen, and Babies, Is. 6(/. a pound, per mile, as luggage. Precautionary Measures— In the event of a continuance or return of last week's unseatonaiie weather, for those about to inaugurate the Cricket Season. Fob costume, a heavy Ulster, tucked into fishing-boots, with Siberian travelling-cap of lynx fur to match. Hot cricket-balls fresh from the oven; hot-water bottles for pads; and the "field" should be supplied with revolving sentry-boxes. Each eleven should contain not less than five medical advisers, with a .sufficient supply of comforters, cough-lozenges, bonfires, and blisters. The match may then be commenced without grave indiscretion. 10 0 0 01 12 0 I) 0 0 Or 3 0 0 9 10 0 "See what a rent the envious Casca made." "Bedad, then, I envy the envious Caskjsb, whoever he was," observed an Irish Landlord, who was not well up in the Bard. HONOUR TO THE BRAVE! Mistub Punch, Sue, The Canteen. I WRIGHT to you as I knows as ow you wont let the British Army go for to be slighted! Not you! Look ere Sur! There wos a chap as called imself a " speshchul" as came over to the Afghan Wor. Is name it wos Archibald Forbes. And wot did c Jn? Wv e saved a kupple of chaps lyves by bynding up thare woundes under fyre! Wot o that? E was a Sivilyun r Well now I was never under fyre in my ole life and yet I sports the Afghan Wor Meddle ke vite proper! But i" am a Sodger and e arnt! That maykes all the dutfrance! And yet this chap—Archibald Forbes— wornte the meddle two! I never eard such cheke! And after being mentinned in Dispatches two—as if that wornt enuff to sotusn the likes of e! But in corse the Sukkatary of Stait for Injy as refused im! Kevite proper! Stoopid cove, if e wornted the meddle wy didnt he ware a red cote? If e ad e 'd a ad the Wor Meddle given im like a burd! Wots more for saving the lives of them coves e would ave ad a Wictoria Kross two I But for a Sivilyun to arsk for a meddle! Well I never—its dounryght stoopid! I remane Mr. Punch Sur, Yore afi'eshnuth frende his {Signed) Thomas + Atkins mark. P.S.—I arnt responoibul for the horthoggruffy of the cove who rut this—cos wy! I karat wright or spel miself! You 're Another! Mr. J. F. B. Fikth; M.P., has accused the City Corporation of disgraceful jobbery in their dealings with Epping Forest, and Mr. Alderman Fowxeb, M.P., without disproving Mr. Firth's assertion, or answering our queries of a fortnight ago, has delicately called him a story-teller. Mr. Firth's accusation may be foul, but the Alderman's is Fowler. 196 [April 30, 1881. TUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. POSTERS FOR POSTERITY. A recent trade-announcement furnishes us with the welcome in- formation that:— "Mr. Hubert Herxomer, A.R.A., has executed a large design for a Pictorial Advertisement (size lift. 6in. by 9ft.), in reference to which an article «ill appear in the Magazine of Art for May, under the title of ' The Streets as Art Galleries.'" "We have not yet come across the Article in question, hut we lose no time in hailing the admirable idea suggested by its title. Once give the Koyal Academicians and their Associates the run of all the The Art-Treasure Hoardings; or, Hoarders punctuallt attended to by h. herxomer, a it. a. advertising hoardings in the Metropolis, and there will be no mors need to foster culture by Kyrle and other kindred societies. Indeed, culture will instantly become universal, and a mere ride outside a twopenny omnibus, even without a catalogue, will, in itself, afford an artistic treat of the very highest order. Meantime, we are most anxious to know in what direction" Mr. Hekkomer has made his first great advertising move. A sewing- machine, for instance, or a new relish, would seem to require much breadth of treatment, and very vigorous handling, when the space at the command of the Artist has to be taken into consideration. Yet such proportions as "lift. 6in. by 9ft.," necessitating obvi- ously recourse to some strongly tragic or domestic subject, and the spirited introduction of several striking figures, would seem to point at once to nothing less than an ambitious effort on behalf of a firm of advertising tailors. If this should prove to be the case, thousands will be looking out for the appearance of the new advertisement with the keenest interest, and it could scarcely be otherwise. To be moved possibly to tears opposite one of Mr. Herkomer's monster posters, and at the same time be induced to purchase a " reversible guinea Ulster as advertised," will be to many, jaded with work and unaccustomed to refining recreation, not only a novel but a pleasing experience, and it is to be hoped that the work will not hegia and end with Mr. Hemomer. Just think of what Sir Frederick Leichton could do with a frontage of thirty feet, his scene "Olympus," and his subject "Pears's Soap "! Or imagine Mr. Munis let loose, in his happiest vein of contemporary portraiture, on the "Statesman's Seven-and- Sixpenny Hat"! Nor need the new artistic departure be confined to Burlington House. Mr. Burne-Jones could effectively push a Patent Medicine by throwing all he knows into one of his charac- teristic damosels, and writing under her the brief but significant legend, "Before I took it"; while Mr. Whistler would t>e sure, with equal facility, to make a fortune for any Mustard Company under the sun. Outsiders, too—the rejected of the Galleries—might it last find a market for their best allegorical and historic work. "Cromwell looking at the Furnished and Unfurnished Houses in his own Road" would make a capital subject for an enterprising House- Agent, and something advantageous to a well-known West End firm might be got out of the legeud of "Edgar listening to his dying Swan's Song of the last Season s Novelties at Reduced Prices." It is on the whole, therefore, impossible not to look forward with lively excitement to Mr. Herkomer's forthcoming essay. By the way, as when affixed to his boards these Taluable works of Art will become the property of Mr. Willino, will he some day present them to the nation Y And if he does so, what, some day, will the nation he likely to do with them? Her* is a question for the umbrella-taker at the National Gallery. SHAKSPEARE AMENDED. Mr. Furnivall is of opinion that the text of Hamlet known to commentators as "The First Quarto," furnishes a far better and mere compact acting play than the modern stage-version. He, and "a strong body of amateurs," essaved, on the afternoon of Saturday, the 16th April, at St. George's Hall, to convert the public and the critics to their view of the case,—apparently with indifferent success. Mr. Furnivall has sent to the Daily tfews what he calls "a hasty try to set right" the celebrated soliloquy, " To be or not to be," in the Quarto No. 1. Mr. Furnivall's version is, of course, a thing of beauty; yet is it hardly so jerky, creaky, spasmodic, inco- herent, scansion-proof,—in short, so Utter, as in the interests of the Bard might be desired. Here, therefore, is "a hasty try to set right," Mr. Furnivall himself. To be, or not to be? There you are, don'tcherknow! To die, to sleep! is that ail? Forty winks? To sleep, to dream! Ah, that's about the size of it! For from that forty winks when we awake In the undiscovered cotton-nightcap country From which no passenger ever took a return-ticket Why—ah, yes—humph!—exactly—very much so! Who, but for what the vulgar call " blue funk," Would bear the rough and tumble of the world, Be down'd on by the lich, plagued by the poor, M an ied by widows, and by orphans worried? Who 'd bear April's east wind or June's perpetual rain, The Income-tax, Lord Randolph Churchill's questions, Middlesex Magistrates, Mud-Salad Market, Crass commentaries on Shakspearian quartos. And all earth's ills, from Furnivall to toothschs, Whan that himself he might his gruel give Iu half a jiffy? Who 'd put up with it, But for the thought of worse things turning up In the Micawber Limbo—By-and-by? Quits so! 'Tis bother, doubt, hope, fear, sant, gush, The fads of noodles ana of nincompoops, Fogging the brain and flooring common seas*, Which make us grin and bear the ills ws hav* Rather than, li la r urnitall, to make "A hasty try to set 'em right." Ah, yes, 'Til uo-.ulii.om makes cowards of us all!!! SOLDIERS AND SHOTS. So now, in consideration of experience in South Africa, dearly bought at the hands of those pestilent sharp-shooters, the Boers, British troops "are in future to be exercised in firing at moving objects at an unknown distance." Hooray! Military authorities have at length discovered that in serious warfare as well as in sport, it is requisite to be able to shoot flying, in order not to waste powder and shot. They might have suspected that practice at butts forms no preparation for making a bag at a battue, and that nobody learns to,be a dead shot at game on the wing, or on the run, or on the hop, by firing at a stationary target. That is, if the idea had occurred to their thinking minds. But that, in fact, the conditions of successful shooting are actually the same on the held of battle as on the moors, or at the cover, or in the stubble, or the turnips, or at Hurlingham or Wormwood Scrubs, besides being of quite as much csnsequeace— before the unfortunate but instructive affair at Majuba Hill, wko would have thought it! However, a lesson has been learned in the musketry-school of misfortune, and experience has made the heads at Head-quarters wiser than they were. April 30, 1881.] 197 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. "ANOTHER FINE OLD COMEDY." Here 's your fine Old High Comedy, not farcical—oh dear, no! nor pantomimical like our modem nonsense. Oh dear no, of course not. The " business " in it is nearly as elegant as in Shakspearb's Taming the Shrew, which, because it is the Bard's, must be an ex- cellent comedy. But—no matter. Any notice of Mr. Irvtng's performance intended to convey an idea of this Actor's peculiar cha- racteristics should be lengthy. "We regret our inability to give him "L.L.D." on our distinguished come- Act II.—Mr. Irving, "L.L.D.," in The Beaiuc Strctchergym-nastics. sufficient space this week, it being as much as we can do to get his legs in comfortably—" Those too utterly precious legs!" as the JEsthetio Misses Postleth wattes gushingly exclaim. All we are able to dopro tern, is to record his successful reappearance as Dori- eourt in The Belles Stratagem. By the way, it is reported that the University of Dublin is about to confer the degree of dian. Why "L.L.D."? "L.L.L." is nearer the Dublin mark. But per- haps it has something to do with the present part, as "D." stands for Dot j- court, and "L.L." the Long Lanky supports which step out so effectively in the minuet. Suffice it to say of Miss Terry as Lcetitia Hardy, that The Belle, to use an old Blang phrase, looked "quite up to the knocker." We could hardly refrain from repeating to ourselves thedyinghero smemorable words,'' Kiss me, Hardt!" Of course we added "Latti- tia" softly. She is quite Too Too! In fact, the Tooest Too Too we ever did see. "Why.sutt'nly!" says Colonel Coghlan, U.S. Cavalry. Mr. Irving in his mad scene gives an imita- tion of himself as Math ins,—quite "The Bellt'" Stratagem. A New Word for the New Dictionary. They call it a "Scare," and apply it freely to all forms of whole- some competition. The Gas Companies have used it glibly at their recent meetings in connection with the electric light. When gas superseded bad oil, the prophets of 1807 had a similar word of con- tempt; and, when steam-locomotives were introduced in 1830, the prophets of the period were not deficient in language. Where are they now? "More Kicks than Halfpence." This ought to be the Motto for Lancashire. The other day Wigan followed the example of Oldham, and kicked a man to death: and to-day Preston has followed the example of Oldham, and kicked a man to death likewise. Do the local newspapers try to check this disgusting brutality, and do the local Clergy, of all denominations, ever preach against it from their pulpits? THE CITY COMPANIES' COMMISSION. Saturday, the 30th, being the day named by the Commission for the returns of the several Companies to be sent in, a meeting of the Officials of several of the more influential of them was held at Bellows'-Menders| Hall on Friday, the 1st inst. Before proceeding to business, the company partook of a most elegant luncheon, served in their best style by Messrs. Sing and Rhymer, Mr. M. Milxes providing the dessert. The Worshipful Master presided. He commenced by assuring his hearers that the selection of the special day on which they were meeting was a mere fortuitous cir- cumstance, and not, as the ribald jester might think, the result of careful thought and consideration: and as they were about to discuss matters of rather a solemn and disagreeable character, he thought perhaps before commencing that they had better have just one glass round of the fine old Madeira, named from that monarch after their own hearts, the lamented George the Fourth. This having been supplied, the Master continued. He had no doubt the difficulty experienced by his Company in answering some of the impertinent questions of the Commissioners had been shared in by all. ("Hear! hear.'") They had got on very well with the " Foundation and Objects of the Company. Of course the Foundation was laid a precious long time ago by some king or other, and the objects were to get jolly good feeds and jolly good fees. (A laugh.) Then as to their " Constitution and Privi- leges," the first was of course very good and healthy, and the last very comfortable; but when'they were asked how much they got for their services, they considered the question ungentlemanly and inquisitorial—(loud cheers)—and their first answer had been, "As much again as half." But thinking perhaps that might be thought somewhat equivocal, their clever Clerk had suggested they Bhould say "that it varied." (Cheers.) And the same answer would of course apply to their overworked and underpaid officials. (" Hear.'") Then came a question that they had found it very inexpedient to answer, namely. "What's your Income P" The first manly answer that would suggest itself to every true- born and true-hlue Englishman was What's that to you f" (Cheers.) But here again Prudence, in the shape of their clever Clerk, stepped in and suggested that, as there were about 130 questions with regard to their property, he thought he could answer at least 100 of them without conveying any information of the slightest importance, and these he should propose to answer very fully indeed, so fully indeed that he should be very much surprised, as they would have to be read by Government officials, if they would hear anything more about them for years to come, and anything might happen in that time. (Laughter.) Their one really great difficulty was this. They had, as he might mention in the strictest confidence, an income of about £40,000 a-year; £25,000 of that they could easily account for, but they were fairly puzzled how to explain satisfactorily, to prejudiced minds, what they did with the rest. (Sensation.) They, no doubt, all of them sympathised with him in that statement, but he trusted, with the help of their olever officers, they might reasonably hope tho- roughly to myBtify—he would not say " bamboozle —the most vexatious, inquisitorial, and unconstitutional Commission that had ever met outside a Star Chamber! (Loud cheers.) The meeting, after partaking of another glass of the old Madeira, then separated. A REAL APRIL PASTORAL. Not by Mr. Austin Dobson. He. Whither away, fair Jessauy, She. I go by a big fire to sit. (Shivert.) He. Stay, let us stroll and spoon a bit. I 've such a cowd I scarce oad see. The cowslips dapple all the lea. I wudder the poor thigs dote freeze. Come, sing an eclogue, sweet, with me. I cad do nothig else bud sdeeze. Dost thou not Know it is the Spring t Is that the blackbird loud whist/t'njr t Do,—the East wid. It caddot be. Farewell then, Sweetheart! Farewell now! Farewedd! Where—aitchoo.'—goest thou? (Shuddering.) Te—crouoh by a big fire, like thee! She. He. She. He. She. He. She. He. She. He. "The Rear Column marched from Condahar this morning — (Time* Telegram, April 23)—the troops, for a little change of air, accompanied by their band sang the Gaiety Ali Saba chorus as they marched away, over the left,— "We'll nebber come back no more, boys, We '11 nebber come back no more!" 198 [April 30, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. saw FAINT PRAISE. JEslhctic Lady. "Is not toat Mrs. Brabazon, whose Photograph is in all the Shop Windows?" The Professor. "It is. She is Handsome, is she not?" ^Esthetic Lady. "Well, yaas—but—a—MaSMJfTULLr a Woman of tub Nixetssnth Century l" IN ME MORI AM. JJenjnimn gisraelr, (fori of Jeaeoitsficlb. Bohn, Decembeu 21, 1804. Died, AritiL 19, 1881. Disraeli dead! The trappings of late days, The Coronet, the Garter, slip aside, The Peer's emblazonment, the Victor's bays, The pageantry of prido, Triumph's mere symbols, badges of success, Who weighs, who marks them now when all is said In simple words, low-breathed in heaviness ?— Disraeli 's dead! So all have known him from that earlier time Of meteoric and all-daring youth, And through the season of his*dazzling prime; And so to-day, in sooth, . "lis Benjamin Disraeli all will mourn, Nor he the less unf eignedly whose lance Against that shield and crest full oft had borne In combat d outrance. The fearless fighter and the flashing wit Swordless and silent! 'Tis a thought to dim The young Spring sunshine, glancing, as was fit, Bright at the last on him, Who knew no touch of winter in his soul. Holding the Greek gift yet in mind and tongue, And who, though faring past life's common goal, Loved of the gods died young. Like the Enchantress of the Nile, unstaled By custom as unchilled by creeping years, A world-compeller, who not often failed In. fight with his few peers. Success incarnate, self-inspired, self-raised To that proud height whereat youth's fancy aimed Whom even those who doubted whilst they praised, Admired, e'en whilst they blamed. No more that fine invective's flow to hear, That buoyant wisdom or that biting wit! To see him and his one sole battle-peer Sharp counter hit for hit. No more to picture that impassive face, That unbetraying eye, that fadeless curl! No more in plot or policy to trace The hand of the great Earl! How strange it seems, and how unweleome! Rest, Not least amidst our greatest! Who would dare Deny thee place and splendour with the best Who breathed our English air? Peace, lasting Peace that strife no more shall break, With Honour none may challenge, crown thee now Wherever laid, not Faction's self would shake The laurel from thy brow. And England, who for thy quenched brightness grieves, Garlands the sword no more to leave its sheath, And, turning from thy simple gravestone, leaves A tear upon the wreath. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—April 30, 1881. i+AlTsc ** du a nx? PEACE WITH HONOUR." April 30, 1881.] 201 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE FIRST OF MAY. Jack-in-the-Green Festivities celebrated by tiie ^Esthetic Ramoneur Society. [.V.5.—Suggestion here for an Aesthetic Pantomime next Christmas. SILK-WORMS IN SPRING. "New Queen's Counsel. — Mr. Huoh Shield. M P., of the North-Eastern Circuit; and Mr. Whitbhobne, Jlr. W. W. Kahslake, Mr. J. Righy, and Mr. It. Komer, of the Chancery liar." It begins with the "Shield amang ye taking notes"—nothing under eleven livers at a time—and finishing with what the periumers call "apowerful but pleasant R-Romer." cvvv An .^Esthetic Rondeau. I am Utter! Men may say That I 'm void of brains and beauty; That my feet are huge and splay, That I 'm limp from crown to thoetie; That my taste's mad fad full-blown, That my talk is maudlin splutter; But the Philistines must own I am Utter! substitution. Instead of Mr. Toole's "It does make me so wild!" an annoyed iEsthete now exclaims, "Oh, it does make me so Oscar!" SCHOOL-BOARD PAPERS.—No. 1. Scene—Police Court, Queer Street. Time—2 p.m. April 1, 1881. Present—The Magistrate, Clerk, Usher, School-Board Officer, fyc, British Public in the back-ground. The Usher. School-Board summonses! Call Jeremiah Tomkins. [_A Poor Woman comes forward from the crowd. The Clerk. What is your name .■' Woman. Martha Tomkins, Sir. Clerk. Are you the wife of Jeremiah, and did he ask you to attend? Martha. In course he did. My old man is at his work, and couldn't afford to lose a day's wage; and as for the matter of that, I lose a couple of shillings myself by coming here to-day. School-Board Officer (to Magistrate). Your Worship, this person has a boy named Tommy, eleven years old. . Martha. In course I have. t School-Board Officer. Your Worship, this boy has not attended school for this last six weeks. Martha. And you know very well why. He had no boots to his feet, and we 've no money to buy 'em, and six feet of slosh in the streets, and Magistrate (aside to the Clerk). School without boots, and in foul weather! (Aloud.) My good woman, I am afraid that is no excuse. r Martha. Well then, it ought. Look you here, your Woship, there was my old man out o' work for two months at Christmas—laid up in hospital with sepelis in the head, and me at home with four childer, of wich Tommy is oldest, and Jemimar Ann down in the measles. And we owes three weeks' rent, and landlord says as how if we don't pay on Saturday he '11 sell us up and put us in the street. And the School-Board men comes a bullying and a talking about "stanard this" and "stanard that" when there isn't a bit of bread in the 'ouBe. School-Board Officer (sternhj). Your Worship, I see this boy constantly playing about the streets. Martha. Playing about the streets! Then why don't ye summon Mealface the cheesemonger as lives round the corner. His brats are never off the streets, and plays pitch and toss on Sundays, and Magistrate (to School-Board Officer). What do you say to that? School- Board Officer (superciliously). The person she refers to is not on our books. He pays a rent of £50. Martha. Look here, your Honor! Do you call this justice? Isn't there one law for the likes of us as hasn't a shoe to our feet, and another law for gentlefolks and cheesemongers? School-Board Officer. We must draw a line somewhere. Magistrate (aside to Clerk). That is what the Barber in Nicholas Nickleby said when he refused to shave the coal-heaver. He said he did not go below bakers. I suppose the School-Board draws the line at cheesemongers. (Aloud to School-Board Officer.) Has this boy passed any standard? School-Board Officer. Not yet passed the third. He reads and writes fairly, but is behind in arithmetic. He has not done the rule of three. Magistrate. Tommy Tomkins is not singular in that respect, for I am credibly informed that George Canning, though he came to be Prime Minister and Chancellor of the Exchequer, oould never do the rule of three; so that distinguished man could never have passed the third standard. I think you have now increased the number of standards to six? School-Board Officer (cheerfully satisfied). That is so. Magistrate. Well, Martha Tomkins, I am sorry for you. I have no doubt you are verv poor, and may not have the means of buying boots for your boy. But I am bound to tell you that that is no legal excuse for his non-attendance. I am bound to see that the law is obeyed, and your husband must pay a fine of five shillings, and as you are poor people, there will be no costs. Martha. Five shillings! You might just as lief ask him to pay fifty pounds. School-Board Officer. I must ask for a distress-warrant in this case. Martha. Aye, Aye, distress enough, I warrant you. But it doesn't much matter whether von or the landlord sells us up. How- somdever, we does owe him the rent. But what we owes to you or the likes of you I 'm blest if I know. [Exit. Usher. Call on next case! Yorkshire Relish. Whatever this may be, it is not music with beer, at least in Leeds. In the city of musical festivals a publican has been fined for allowing a man to play a piano in a tap-room. Malt, but not melody; hops, but not dancing. In this country we strain at gnats and swallow Jackasses. A disgraceful pose plastiqtte exhibition was unmolested in London for several years, because it was beyond the reach of licences, and therefore the grip of law. One day a harmless boy was heard playing a more harmless accordien within the walls of this Walhalla. Then outraged authority asserted itself, and strove to punish—not indecencv—but people buying and selling music without a licence. A mad world, my masters! 202 [April 30, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. WHAT 'SIN A NAME? Being at a loss for a pre- cedent the other day, and, therefore, not exactly know- ing how to address the brand new "King of Roumania," M. Geevy nit on the happy expedient of trying a little chaff, and, with much quiet humour, commenced his letter of congratulation with the words r' Great Friend." Of oourse, as the respected Pre- sident never met His Majesty in his life, suoh a style of address must be taken only as personal, and as refer- ring, no doubt, to some physical peculiarity in the direction of obesity. How- ever, the fun was received with such "enthusiasm" at Bucharest, that a new de- parture in such communica- tions may be confidently looked for. A letter to the ruler of Turkey, for instance, might begin with "Fraudu- lent Foster-Brother," while the Italian King could very appropriately be greeted with Suspicious Second Cousin." Our Most Gracious Queen would figure very fairly as "Sensible Sister,'' while the German Emperor, from a purely French point of view, would not be fitted badly with " Grabbing Grandpapa." Then the Austrian Kaiser could]be capped with " Unre- liable Uncle, and the young Czar encouraged as " Not half bad Nephew. On the whole, President Geevy's new move deserves decided encourage- ment. Ninon de L'Enclos. — A lady not very popular at Bur- lesque Theatres. PUNCH'S FANCY PORTRAITS-No. 29. MR. EDMUND YATES. Edmundus,—Ed. Mcndi. "The World mine oyster." ABOVE PROOF. [Mr. Taylor's Standard.) How am I to know that William the Conqueror did not come over with Madame Tcssaud? Men talk to me of the Beadle in the Burlington Arcade, but who is to prove to me that he ever existed P I simply deny that Grif- fiths is the " Safe Man." I certainly consider Lord Randolph Chuechill a very pleasant young man indeed/or a small tea-party. It is an incontestable fact, in my opinion, that a tinned American oyster is a rich and rare luxury. Take a cab from the Bank to the further end of the Cromwell Road, and give the man eighteen pence, and see whether he will not thank you with tears in his eyes. Need I further remark that Vaccination is not the slight- est protection against small- pox. TURN IT ON! Tey the Electric Light in the purlieus of Drury Lane, Soho, and the courts and alleys of the Seven Dials. Throw it stronglv on to the slums be- tween Trafalgar Square, Lei- cester Square, and Tottenham Court Road. Let the owners of this property of squalid tenements, dirty dens, cellars, and rookeries, visit their ten- ants at night by the aid of this powerful light, and see for themselves what ought to be done to make it clean, wholesome, and less of a dis- grace to our civilised City than it is at present. SCOTLAND FOR EVER! {By that dear old Veteran.) Faithful to your instructions, Sir, and fortified by the handsome cheque accompanying your last esteemed favour (it was a crossed cheque, but my genial host, Fred Rummit, of the Blacking Brush Fox," Melton Mowbray, changed it in a jiffey, with the light-hearted observation that he should like to have a lot more from the same shop), I came up to town from the Shires, where I have been Boer- hunting with my good friend. Sir Ajax Highlowgame's pack of bloodhounds—only the Boers didn't see it, and gave us no end of trouble—in order to inspect Mrs. Elizabeth Thompson-Butler's picture of "Scotland for Ever!" otherwise the Charge of the Scots Greys at the Battle ot Waterloo. Charge! It is something like a Charge that the gifted lady-Artist has so splendidly dashed on in the true helter-skelter, head-over-heels, bang-up, "Go-as-you-Please," flash-of-lightning style. Our gallant troopers are charging so heavily that you might almost mistake them for so many Scotch hotel- keepers attacking a body of tourists from the South. A grand picture, Sir. I regard it as one of the most sumptuous examples ever produced of what I may call the 'Ossification of the Art of Battle-painting. There are some wretched creatures, Sir, who call themselves Art- Critics, and who have had the presumption to maintain that either the heads of Mrs. Butler's dragoons are too small, or that the heads of their horses are too large for their bodies. I should like to get one ef those Art-Critics into the hunting-field. / 'd teach him how to 'ware pictures. As I hinted to my distinguished friend, The Mac Swill, who, with L«rd Alexander Mac Eddon, and the great financier and collector, Mr. Julius Macabecs, was contemplating with an expression of rapt ecstasy this truly tip-top, slap-up, boot- and-saddle work, I have often been told by Sir Edwin (he painted my rat-catching terrier, Bob), by Hereing, Senior (you know his picture of my pink roan, Bloater, which should have won the Derby in 1842, but was disqualified, owing to the perjury of a miscreant stable-boy, who declared that Bloater was really an over-aged horse called Old Soldier), and by Harry Hall of Newmarket, that the head of a horse, especially if he be a Scots G>rey one, cannot be too large. Again, these caitiff critics (I should like to have 'em to myself in the Shires and ask them what they think of a hunting-crop) appear to forget (if the Cockneys ever knew) that, in the technique of Art there is, besides the science of foreshortening, another, called "forewiden- ing," or "forebroadening." The heads of Mrs. Butler's steeds are all forebroadened. So are their hoofs. Besides, everybody ought to know that the Scots Greys have always been mounted, not on ordi- nary troop-horses, but on cart-horses—regular broad-wheeled waggon cattle, Sir. That is why one of the words of command peculiar to this gallant regiment is Woa!" and another, "Gee up, Dobbin!" When the corps was first raised the men wore smock-frocks (of shepherd's-plaid) over their uniforms, and haybands instead of high boots; and it may not be generally known that the prodigious steeds which dragged the funeral car of the Great Duke of Wellington were all Scots Grey horses dyed black and led by non-commissioned officers disguised as undertakers' men. Who drove the historic team on that memorable day it does not become the Veteran to say.# But the Old Man can say this, Sir, that he is an adept in Veteri- nary High Art criticism. He studied it, Sir, under such masters as Ducrow, Foaley, Horsley, Baron Maeechetti, Sangee, Batty, and Poneyatowski. The anatomy of the donkey he learned from Dr. Ahn. Military draughtsmanship he acquired from Park's Characters, "one penny plain, twopence coloured." The Red Rovers, Sir, and the Red Cross Knights, who are Bhouting "Scotland for Ar-niL 30, 1881.] 203 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. HARD TIMES. Tom Tu/to (to Duke of Smallborough). "Do you have the same Box you had last Year, Duke?" Duke. "Well, you see they 've kaised the Prices; and what with remitting Twenty-Five per Cent, of my Rents in England, and getting nothing in Ireland, the Duchess says we must Economise, so" T. T. "Oh—Stalls 1" Duke. "Ahem !—No! We 've been looking at this Plan, and I 've a strong Idea myself of the Gallery! Airy, you know, and comparatively Cheap!" Ever!" and wildly charging (one shilling admission each person) at the terrified civilians in an upper room of the Egyptian Hall, Picca- dilly, are, emphatically speaking, All There. They are all over the shop, Sir; and the Veteran pronounces that horses and men are all right—as right as the nimhle ninepence. Of course unmingled praise is as fulsome a thing as would be a meet of the Slow Coaching Club without a spill or two, or forty- seven foxes trotting out ot one cover (a cover bound in pink and buckskin, ha! ha!) when a " southerly wind and a cloudy sky pro- claim a hunting morning." Tally ho! That there are faults in this inimitably bang-up picture at the Soho Bazaar—I mean at the Egyptian Hall, I will not for one moment deny. It would be better, perhaps, for a little more morbidezza and desinvoltura and corpodi- bacco, and that kind of thing. Her chiaroskewero is scarcely equal to her pothooksandhangerso. Brico, Mrs. Butler always excels in; but I should like to see her go in more pluckily for Gruyero and Camemberto in her middle distances. Nor does she put sufficient putty in her glazings, which, nevertheless, are very plummy. She should read Payne Knight on the art of pictorial glazing. These, however, are only spots on the sun—or rather spots on the nose of the Apollo Belvedere. Mrs. Elizabeth Thompson-Butler is an Artist of true genius; and the Veteran raises his hat to her in sincere and unstinted admiration. And, finally, Sir, it does me proud to be able to vouch, personally, for the unimpeachable historic accu- racy of every detail in. "Scotland for Ever!' from a cairngorm to a bootjack, from a pibroch to a sporran, from the " burn " m which the Scots Greys are "paidling, to the" are pulling. For a' that, and a' that, And considerably more than a* that, burn gowans fine " which they The Veteran's the chiel that knows: Hech! Sirs, ye mauna' fa' that. So poor dear Bobby Burns used to sing. But how do I know, you may ask, that the whole of Mrs. Butler's mise en scene—(" Bury me," said the Great Emperor in his will, "on the banks of the M\se en Seine, among that French people whom I humbugged so well")—is historically accurate; acourate to a toothpick, accurate to a Scotch fiddle, accurate to the steeple of Allowav Kirk—I mean the Chateau of Hougoumont? Sir, on the Eighteenth of June, 1815, there was somebody else present on the battlefield besides Welling- ton and Napoleon, Blucher and George the Fourth (under the nom de plume—three ostrich plumes—of Colonel Pumpernickel, of the King's German Legion). Are you quite sure that Shaw the Lifeguardsman, after he had killed nine Frenchmen "to his own cheek," was really run through the heart by a Polish Lancer? Are vou perfectly certain that the name of the intrepid agent of the Rothschilds, who sped on the bare backs of five horses from the field of victory to New Court, St. Swithin's Lane, London, buying millions of Four per Cent. Consols as he sped, was really Tompkins? If the Veteran was not at Waterloo, I should very much like to know who was present at that Battle of Giants. What did Napoleon say to me just before his contemptuous order to the Old Guard, "Sauve qui pooh pooh" f "Veteran," he remarked, closing his Negbetti and Zambra's telescope, "le gibier est en haut! Ces terribles Chevaux Gris ontfrappe mon armee dans un chapeau a trois comes. II est temps de coupernotre baton. Boltons!" And we—no, I mean he, Nap—bolted. What did Cambronne say to me ?" The Guard dies !" exclaimed the fiery old warrior, "but its heart has still the Largest Circulation in the World." And to whom, if you please, did Wellington utter the immortal words, "Oh for Night, that I might take off my Bluchers !"? Who held Hougoumont against the Young Guard? Who filled up the Hollow Road of Ohain? Who cut down (with his good sword) all the hay in the Haye Sainte f Who rang the tocsin at the Belle Alliance? Who debouched into the Forest of Soignies? Who would have cried, "Up, Guards, and at 'em!" but that his friend and comrade, the Duke, had just said so before? Who, in fine, mounted on his fine old charger, Baron Munchausen (by Mendez Pinto out of Sapphira), was the first to cry, "Scotland for Ever ! — Admission One Shilling!"? I need say no more. I hear applauding millions cry: "Go where Glory waits thee!" I go. I hear the joy-bells—the area-bell. The (under) Butler invites me. Mat 7, 1881.] 205 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. "Listening with a wooden face." ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DUET OF TOBY, M.P. Mondat Nieat.—House met again to-day after the Easter holi- days. Great excitement outside, funereal dulness within. The gloom of the darkened rooms at Hughenden pervades this gaslit chamber. House of Commons cannot readily forget the man who has been an intimate part of its daily life as far back as memory goes. The old business goes on in the old way. There are the old faces about, and the old forms in operation. But the gloom and the sadness are evi- dent. They will pass away to-morrow, and by Thursday the dead hand will no longer rest upon the House, numbing the pulsation of its life. To-night the feeling is unmistakable, and must find record here. Pretty bit of comedy by-and-by designed to divert the mind from mournful thoughts. Gibson opened Debate on Second Heading of Irish Land Bill in a speech that would have been twiee as good if half as polished. House likes good things, but prefers to have them at least look as if manufactured on the premises. Gibson declaims many impromptus, but should bring them down written out on some- thing less palpable than brief paper. Mr. Rich- ardson followed, but nobody ready to succeed. Everybody waiting for somebody else. Speaker rose to put the Motion. The Attorney-General for Ireland still regarded passing events with that total absence of faoial movement which Mr. G0R8T subsequently described as "listening with a wooden face." Debate about to collapse. General consternation. Sir Richard Cross conveyed agitated signals to Mr. Warton to do something. Mr. Wahton thought 8ir Richard wanted the loon of his snuff- box. Handed it over. Renewed excitement on the front Opposition benoh. Three ex-Cabinet Minis- ters violently nodding their neads at the same time at the Member for Bridport. At last picked up right due, and proposed the adjournment of the debate. Someone must speak to carry on debate till ten; but who? Somebody said" Villiers Stuart." Everybody said Villiers Stuart. Sir Stafford Northcote protested that the one unfulfilled aspiration of his life was to hear Villiers Stuart. Mr. Forster trembled all over his shoulders and down his legs with the energy of his protestation that Villiers Stuart was the only man to throw light on the subject. V. S., blushing under this unwonted interest in his opinion, at length induced to commence speech. Whereupon everybody rushed off to dinner, leaving him literally an audienoe of a single Member. But the debate was saved. Business done.—Second Reading of Irish Land Bill moved. Tuesday Night.—Some talk in town, I hear, of a minuet through which the legs of Mr. Henry Irvtng gracefully flash, but will under- take to say our minuet to-night beats anything on any other Stage. Mr. Bradlauoh runs a little more to flesh than the great tragedian. But his vigour and superior phy- sical strength carry him through. It was an elaborately- constructed performance, though simple in general effect. First, Mr. Brad- lauoh enters, and exe- cutes a. pas seul before the_ Mace. Immediately he is joined by the Sergeant- at-Arms, and the two polka down the centre till they reach the Bar. Then Bradlauoh, break- "Old Daddv Longlegs wouldn't say his prayers, Take him, lilac k Beadle, and chuck him down- stairs." ing away from his part- ner, rushes down the stage and strikes an attitude oefore the foot-lights. His partner, Captain Gosset, trips gracefully after him; the two embrace, then retire a few paces, joined by five other members of the ballet, when the minuet commences. First, with slow swinging motion, the new- comers hang on to Mr. Bradlauoh, disclosing glimpses of white under-clothing as they playfully threaten to tear his coat off his back. Then Mr. Bradlauoh strikes an attitude after the manner of an ancient Roman. Mr. Bradlauoh advances a few paces with one of the other members of the ballet clinging to either hand, whilst three others securely hold him by the coat-collar. Then he, affecting to struggle desperately, retires two paces, draws right foot up so that the heel rests on the instep of the left, and. throwing his head back towards his left shoulder, mutely but eloquently demands of 'igh 'eaven what would they P What they would is evidently a further dance, and the whole corps, still entwined as described above, advance a few paces, retire again, revolve rapidly, and finally Mr. Bradlauoh and the Sergeant-at-Arms are left standing at the Bar § anting for breath, but bowing gracefully in response to the thun- erous applause which greets the performance. Business done.—First night of the Bradlaugh Minuet. Wednesday.—Here is Mr. Bradlauoh standing at the Table again, and subsequently pirouetting back to the Bar in company with the Sergeant-at-Arms. Reminds me of a distant relative of mine, one Snarleyow, whose history Captain Marryatt put into a novel. S. was killed on various occasions, shot, hanged, drowned, and buried under three feet of earth. _ Always turned up a day or two after, wagging his tail as if nothing particular had happened. Thought we had finished with Mr. Bradlauoh last night. But here ho is again, and, I Buppose, presently we shall have the corps de ballet and the minuet once more. In the meantime, Peter Rylands is on his feet, alternately stretching out his hand to indicate Mr. Bradlauoh standing at the Bar, and shaking heavy forefingers in minatory manner towards the placid Leader of the Opposition. If Mr. Bradlauoh were a wax figure, or a three-headed man just imported, and if Peter were his proprietor, the attitude of the two could scarcely be varied —Mr. Bradlauoh standing passive in full view at the Bar, and Peter at the corner seat below the gangway, with hand I out- stretched, indica- ting him. An Eminent Person on the Trea- sury Benoh will have it that Peter is most of all like Mr. Pumblechook. "I expected every moment," the E. P. says, "to hear him come out with the very words Pum- blechook used when he dragged out Pip for inspection and consideration. 'Now, Mum, here is this boy. Here is this boy whioh you brought up by hand. Hold up your head, Boy, and be for ever grateful unto them whioh so did do. Now, Mum, with respections to this boy.'" Business done.—Mr. Bradlauoh further considered. Thursday.—Mr. Gladstone begins to wish he had not so greatly stirred Colonel Tottenham to come back for the Second Reading of the Irish Land Bill. The Colonel has brought a speech with him, whioh he began early in the evening, and is now (11*15 p.m.) probably half-way through. In point of length, Tottenham Court Road is nothing to it, even with Hampstead Road added on. The Colonel is also making jokes. No one suspected him of this, and it was quite some time before anybody laughed. Mr. Warton discovered the intention first, then 8ir John Hay, then the deep thunder of Alderman Fowler's laugh caused disturbing vibration among the ventilating apparatus beneath the Chamber. Next Mr. Gorst's countenance was observed to be curiously distorted, and in the end the jokes proved quite a success—at least, I suppose there will be an end. Will look in to-morrow and see. Business done.—Colonel Tottenham debated the Second Reading of the Irish Land Bill. Friday Night.—Colonel Tottenham finished, and Pease and peace descended on the House. Curious to note how far-reaching is the effect of opium. None od the premises that anyone knows of. Lyon Playfaih, when he lectures on oleo-margarine and other pleasing compounds, may have little pots of samples all over the table for illustration of Ms lecture. No such privilege accorded to Mr. Pease when he brings on his Resolution denouncing the Opium Traffic. Nevertheless, when he begins to talk, Members placidly fold their hands, stretch out their legs, close their eyes, their heads fall upon their breasts, and before Mr. Pease has been speaking for three- quarters-of-an-hour, there is not a man awake except Lord Hart- ington, sole occupant of the Treasury Bench, who has to reply with Ministerial responsibility. Business done.—Budget Bill read a Second Time. Loan Elcho and thb Ghosts. 'Shades of evening gather round" VOL. LXXZ. Mat 7, 1881.J 207 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SPEECHES AT THE R.A. BANQUET. The Prince of Wales knowing that'' Man (after dinner) wants but little . . . nor that little long," was a model of effective brevity. The Duke of Cambbidqe boomed, then fizzled away to nothing. Lord Nobthbbook, suffer- ing from blight, faded prematurely. The Phemieb preached. Sir Fbedebick Leigh- ton, P.R.A., supplied head, highly-finished tail, and polished links, withblasi eloquence. The other Sir Fbedebick, i.e. Robeets, was smooth and bright as steel, with a sharp- pointed home-thrust at W. E. G. Lord Sel- boene good. Lord Mayor McGbtffin, more fortunate than Dogberry, had reporters there to " write him down, &o." Seb W. Gbove was greatly applauded—when he had quite done ; and Mr. Matt Arnold was all Mouth and Moaning on this Jaw-full occasion. The Old, Old Song. (As sung by Bend Or, April 27,1881.) Air—" Nancy fancied a Sailor.*' Backebs fancied Buchanan, Backers fancied Poulet, Backers fancied Ambassadress, But she couldn't stay, Backers fancied Peter, Whom they didn't see;'' They fancied a horse who could not go the course, But never could fancy me. HIS OWN OPINION. Op all the pulpit orations on the Earl of Beaconsfield delivered by "celebrities," the most Christianly reticent was Canon Liddon's; the most contemptibly common- place was Canon Fabbab's. None of the preachers called to mind Lord Beacons- pteld's epigram in Endymion :— "Sensible men," said Waldershabe, "are all of the same religion." "And pray what u that ?" inquired the Prince. "Sensible men never tell." HOW TO SEE AND BE SEEN AT A PRIVATE VIEW. Take toub stand exactly opposite one of the Pictures of the Year, with your Back to the Picture. MORE REMINISCENCES. Mb. Fboude, while admitting that Mr. Cablyle warned him that the Reminiscences would require "anxious revision," says, further, that he has printed them with " only a few occasional reservations. He tells us. too, that he accepts the entire responsibility, and there- fore, as what has been published has given great pain to many worthy people, has hurt the living and maligned the dead, and caused a once venerated philosopher to appear as a spiteful and discontented old personage, a reviler of every man and woman in a better position than himself, Mr. Fboutje must be congratulated on the delicacy and good taste with which he has edited the Reminiscences. He has, indeed, left so much in which ought to have been omitted, that it is a pity he troubled himself to edit at all, and people are asking what was taken out. Is it possible that the "occasional reservations" only referred to Mr. Fboude himself P Were the " requisite omis- sions " anything like this:— "In London among the blockheadisms again. Saw Gladstone, one of the fooliBhest, most conceited, ever-babbling blockheads I can remember to have met. And Scotch too, for is it not Gledstanes, and yet there was a poor idiot who hung about "Rob Scott's Smithy" at Ecclef echan, who was more unspeakably beautiful to me. With nim was Lord Shaftesbuby. Insuperable proclivity to rum shrub in poor old Shaftesbury, and .a ghastly wit, which She answered by a cheerful native ditto: and chawed up (American fashion) the pseudo-philanthropist." "After an interval of deep gloom and bottomless dubitation, we walked in Hyde Park, and there, amid the poor gaping sea of Pru- rient Blookheadism, two-legged creatures with but a thimbleful of brains, I was but a cipher. Walked home thinking how much greater was the son of my brave old father [ein tapferer) than al that crowd, and yet not one of them knew it. Our evening sittei that night was Froude, dull, babbling 'foot-licker,' as I die intrinsically regard him, his talk contemptibly small, emblem el imbecility, much better had been non-extant. This man Fboude full of historical inanities, had indeed produced volumes to luu trunks, but was totally inadequate to grapple with such questions with no utterance worth noting. One of the rotten multitudinous canaille, full of human baseness. Dim suspicions in our minds thai fatuous Fboude came on brain-sucking errand, that was Hei criticism on him after inconclusive and long-winded talk. A nighl of boring, marked to this hour with coal." "Met 'Geoboe Eliot' writing woman so-called, dull utterlj and dry, nose decisively Roman, whose books, much bepraised bj critical blockheads, seemed to have nothing in them for us. Alfbei Tennyson, too, stringer together of jingles and rhymes, no authentii man, but an utterer of pun and persiflage. Brain-sucker Fboudi there also, breaking out into oblique little spurts of spite, wclcomi to me at that moment, for the accursed hag Dyspepsia had got m< bitted and bridled, and was riding me nowhlther. Looked down oi the welterings of my poor fellow-creatures, thinking, " Which o: you could do as I have done" ? with an inner smile that the mud- gods of London were as nothing to my brave father and the authen- tic idiot of Ecclefechan. Poor economy practised towards hackney- coachman in shape of questionable shilling, which was, in plair English, a hum." Force of Habit.—A friend asked Colonel Charles Coghlan oi the P. 0. W.'s T.—" Going to Epsom this year usual way by Sutton, eh ? "—"Why, Suttonly I" answered Colonel Coqhlan. 208 [Mat 7, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SLirPBB-Y! OUR GUIDE TO THE ACADEMY; Or {in some instances), the Academy Ouy'd. "Open. Sesame!" Sesame opens accordingly. "Now," says Sesame, let'shear what they says-o'-me." By all means. Walk up! Where shall we begin? At the beginning. Again, by all means. Place aux dames 7—make way for the " Gals!'—so let us commence with Gal. No. I. No. 1. London in Cotton Wool. Probably during the Mayoralty of Alderman Cotton, M.P. Vincent P. Yolesias. %* Prize given by President of tho Academy to anyone pronouncing this name right first time. No. 2. Envy, Hatred, and Malice, or Gone to the Dogs. Bbiton Riviere, A. No. 4. Wood-rovers. Real rovers, not wood at all, but wood- pigeons, naturally and appro- priately by Jay. Is it evening, afternoon, or "Jay's morn- ing"? No. 13. Oorse Cutting. J. W. Oakes, A. Whereas Oorse cutting P There are men cutting, o' gorse we see that. If some sell is intended, everyone will say of the pic- ture, "It's a regular Oakes." No. 14. "For Better for Worse." W. P. Frith, R.A. Well, we 've seen far better and far worse than this. Stay, Traveller, stay, and regard this pioture thoroughly. See how it tells its own story. Look at that spire, that little pigeon-hole window high up in the spire, and look at the crimson slipper that has evidently just been chucked out of that little win- dow? And who is the ehucker-out hidden from observation? Why, the lovesick, bashful Curate, the unfortunate "rival who has stolen his ritualistic rector's ecclesiastical slipper—used in some solemn and picturesque rite—has ascended to that lofty window in the spire, and thence by a sudden in-spire-ation has taken one shot for luck at the figure of the bride now lost to him, alas, for ever, or a lass now lost to him for ever, and has then fallen back senseless, and got stuck somehow in the belfry, where he will remain until they shall have harnessed a horse to the bride's brougham, a most complete turn-out, all but that item of the horse, which, in the hurry of the moment, has been somehow forgotten and left behind in the livery stable. The Artist's deep symbolism of "A-spire in the Distance " and "A Spyer up a loft is suggestive of a new ballad, "Maria and the Spire!" And what will be the end of that love- stricken, slipper-throwing, invisible Cu- rate? He nas been a Spyer, he will enter a severe Order and become a Pry-er. Mr. Frith, we thank thee. We wipe away a tear and pass on. No. 43. "The Road to Mecca"-nism. Frederick Goodall, R.A. Here's your fine Mecha-nical Camel! As the Dolls' Dressmaker says, "We know your tricks and your manners." It's a scene in a Circus, this. Ben Sli Boddi and his performing Camel. Carpet down, Ben giving the Camel a back,—music, overture from " The Bronze Horse"—now, then, "Over I" Over! Yes, and over and over again as long as there's a single Camel's hair left to paint with, Mr. Goodall. But, nang it—or rather don't hang it, Mr. Goodall— aren't we just a trifle tired of Camel? Toujours Camel! No. 50. "Bock Agen!" Same Artist. Same Camel. Same road, same mile,—a dose of Camel- mile. Twopence more, and up goes the baby 1 No. 43. The Performing Camel. Where is the Coffee-room? Is it " Long's" soon after the landing of the Romans, when Bond Street was first built? No. Our informant being gone, we consult the Catalogue. Oh! picture " by Mr. Long, A." The martyr who won't incense the statue. Quite right. But that person who said simply it was "Long's" has in- censed us very much, so we will return to this when (though not a picture ourselves) we are in a better frame—of mind. No. 113. The Bishop brought up before the Beaks. H. Stacy Marks, R.A. No. 119. This is a portrait of Sir Frederick Leigdton, President, by himself—all t>y himself. It seems to be a design for a Maskeltne and Cook advertisement, representing the talking head appearing out of a wall, and separated from tho body below. In "this Exhibition there are several portraits of the President, representing, as it were, the "Worship of Laton-a;" but it is for us to point out that each picture conveys a douMe-barrelled compli- ment, as it is impossible to represent the present President on canvas without painting the portrait of a Late 'un. So on we go to Gal. No. H. No. 86. "Simple Simon met a Pieman." John Everett Millais, R.A. The Pieman is not in the Picture. First-rate portrait: evidently full of cha- racter. No. 97. Before we have time to refer to the Cata- logue, somebody who knows all about it informs us that " This is Long's." Impossible. If so, at what period? Not since we 've known it P Where's the Head Waiter? Gal. No. III. James Sant, R.A. No. 191. The Lady Fanny Marjoribanks. The Artist has evidently taken Lady Fanny by surprise, and caught her ex- Eression as she waa saying, "Ha! Some- ody coming! I must put these pictures baok again as quickly as possible. 1 know I oughtn't to have been looking at them." But it was only the Artist who had come to take her, so after all she was on the wrong Sant. No. 197. Iih/1. Sir F. Leighton, P.R.A. Two thinly-clad, loungingmaidens and a young man with "nothing to his back" out for a blow on his own pipe. Iilvl! I very idle. No. 270. Cinderella. John Everett Millais, R.A. Lovely little girl! Charming! Perfect! An heiress worth £3000, but—why Cinde- rella? Why the peacock's feather in her hand? When Cinde- rella was this age, long before she was forced to work at kitchen- grate oleaning, her mother was alive, and she was a well-dressed, well-cared-for child, as happy as the day was long. But when her father married again, she was nearly of a coming-out age, and quite old enough, at all events, when the right time came, to marry the Prince. Consequently, why Cin- derella f It might as well be Umber-rella, or any other "rella; " and the accessories gene- No. 270. — Warming her Back; or, Logs-a-Mussy! - Kf *A!'^R?| No. 614. "Hoarder! Hoarder! Turn'im hout!" rally, like the name, are irrelevant—say Cind- erella-vant. In fact, it might as well be "Polly put the kettle on," for there are the logs, smouldering, and the absence of the kettle could have been explained in the Kettle-log. Gal. No. VII. No. 514. The Hoarder. Solomon Hart.R. A. Oneof thegemsof the Exhibition. Pityit wasn't a hidden gem. Hoarders come in gratis, but there is generally this restriction on all theatrical free-tickets, viz., " Hoarders not admitted after seven." Now this is long after seven—and why admitted at all P By the way, the title is hardly fair to Mr. Herkomer's scheme for "Hoarders" in our Art- Gallery streets. This is not a specimen of " Hoarders neatly exe- cuted." We like to think of the Academy as a noble, generous body; but can we continue to hold this opinion when it hasn't got a good Hart? Happy Thought! — here's a subject for Hart, poor deer I— Stagg and Mantle f There is something of the Hoarder in that, eh, Mr. Hair Comber? And a good suggestion for— The Hart that once in B.A.'s halls. No, that was "the Harp"—Moore. We won't continue to harp, so no more. And hoping that no one will take this to Hart," we pass on to No. 554. Samson and the Lion. E. Armttage, R.A. The ad- vantage of this work seems to be that if hung upside down it would No. 564. Design for a pump and handle. Mat 7, 1881.] 209 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. be The Lion and Samson. Placed as it is, it] seems to suggest an idea for a model for an ornamental pump, the tail being the handle and the spout the mouth. Evidently the Artist had bravely set himself the task of depicting Sam son and the Lion, and having finished Samson, he was about to send it off, when his boy said, "Please, Mr. Armitage, Sir, you've been and forgot the lion." "Bless my soul!" exclaimed the R.A., "bring i^-SsJ i* back, and go out and get the Hl/^1 ■""'■BKJliS nearest lion you can—the President himself if possible. One must draw the lion somewhere "—and so he did—somewhere and somehow. So far so good—or rather pretty good; but, on the whole, it is a disappointing Exhibition to a per- son who complains that, "after going the round, there is really nothing he can carry away with him." A THEORY ILLUSTRATED. "A new and beautiful shade of blue" is called Marguerite; a vivid red is named Faust. Among the fanciful names are 'Bottled Cloves,' 'Softened Sighs,' 'Queen's Hair,' ' Indiscreet Murmurs,' 'Heavy Eyes,' and 'Needless Regrets.* High Art colours predominate."— Weekly Paper. My dress is new: its pretty hue Is christened Heavy Eyes ;" My dainty gloves are Bottled Cloves ;" My shoes are "Softened Sighs." These bows I wear are " Ladies' Hair;" Here "Murmurs Indiscreet" With "Vain Regret" are meetly met, And Faust witn Marguerite: Such titles strange for Fashion's range Of tints we 're forced to find, Since but of late, as sages state, The world was colour-blind. So when at last, with pigments fast And palette on her thumb, High Art arrives to charm our lives, She finds us—colour-dumb! TAKING HIM EASY. Sow to do it discreetly; from Gosset's Own Guide. If the offending Member refuses to stir on receiving a tap on the shoulder, say to him, in an earnest whisper, unofficially, "Now, do come along with me, there's a good fellow, without a row, and we '11 have a nice little dinner together somewhere afterwards. If he talks of "privilege," and gets behind the Speaker's Chair, follow him sharp up with a good-humoured " Thought you had done me that time, didn t you!" and then try to hand-cuff him play- fully. If he gets on to the table, seizes the Mace, and flourishes it, defy- ing the authority of the House, still keep up the sportive vein, with some such remark as " Well, now, you do fill me with a-mace-ment," and, at the same time, catch hold of his legs. If, to avoid you, he makes a sudden dash and gets under the table, stoop down comically as if you were looking at a naughty boy hiding and say pleasantly, "Ha! ha! He! he! Come, come, now! Gos- 8ET sees you!" If, after this, he makes a chace of it, and, climbing up into the Strangers' Gallery, looks down, and calls out, "Yah! Catch me tf you can.'" don't take the slightest notice of him for the rest of the evening. And, finally, if he stands half-way between the table and the bar, and refuses to yield except to force, prepare for your best pantomime scene t>y summoning five ushers to arrange a humorous scuffle with you on the floor of the House, and so maintain both the authority and the dignity of Parliament. Music Hall Motto {for a Club Card-Room).—" You 're always are to catch 'em with a whist, whist, whist!" SCHOOL-BOARD PAPERS.—No. 2. Scene—Police Court, Queer Street. Magistrate [to Usher). How many School-Board summonses are there to-day? Usher. Only thirty, Sir. Magistrate. Very moderate indeed; are they ready? Usher. Yes, Sir. Call Bridget O'Brien. {A Wotnan comet forward, leading a Young Child by the hand.) Clerk {to Bridget). You are summoned for not obeying an order of this Court requiring you to send your daughter, Nelly O'Brien, to the Omnium Gatherum Board School in this district. School-Board Officer. This a bad case, Sir, the girl has not at- tended once since the order was made. Magistrate. How old is the girl? School-Board Officer. Eleven years old. Bridget. Don't belave him, yeer Honor, she'll be thirteen in October. School-Board Officer. Eleven is the age in the books. Bridget. Your books indeed! D 'ye purtend to know the child's age better than her oune mother? Magistrate. Can you tell in what year the girl was born? Bridget. I 'm no scholar, yeer Honor. But she was born in Dublin thirteen yeare come Michelmas Day. School-Board Officer. She can prove this by a copy of the Register. Bridget. Register indeed! Am I to trudge off to auld Ireland, and cross the stormy ocean, maybe to be shipwrecked, and Magistrate. No, no. You needn't yet run any such risk. Your girl, you say, is only twelve, and the law says she must go to school. Why don't you send her P Bridget. I '11 just tell ye, yeer Honor. I 'm a poor lone widow. My ouldest boy, as purty a boy as ever wore hat, cap, or bonnet, was killed fightin thim Dlack divils of Zulus in the East Ingies, and I have four young ohilder at home of which the ouldest is Nelly, and there's Pat, and Mixe, and little Biddy, as is here before yeer Honor {pointing to the Child by her side); and who's to look arter the darEnt if I 'm out the whole blessed day wid my barrow and Nelly at the school P That is just the reason, yeer Honor, that I don't sind her. She has to tend the childer at home when I am out at work. Send her to school indeed! And some fine day find little Biddy in'the water-butt or Mike burnt to a oinder. Magistrate. Has this girl passed any standard P School-Board Officer. Yes. She is a very fair scholar. Bridget. A fair scholar! I believe ye f She's as good at her book as the parish priest. Ye should hear her, yeer Honor, of a Sunday mornin read all about Michael Davttt. and Home Rule, and Ould Ireland. And how we 're all to get a bit o' land at last, and to pay no rint to the landlord, but the landlord to pay rint te us. Och, it's just beautiful to hear her! Magistrate. Is there any reason to doubt the truth of this woman's story, that she is out all day with her barrow, and that the girl Nelly O'Brien is kept at home to look after the younger children? School-Board Officer. I believe her story is substantially true, but your Worship is aware that there is no provision in any of the Acts as to cases of this description. Magistrate. I am aware of it, and very sorry for it. I don't see how a girl of this class could be better occupied than in attending to her domestic duties. You say she is a fair scholar. School-Board Officer. Yes. And that is the reason, no doubt, that the Board wisn her to continue at school up to the prescribed age. Magistrate. What more would they teach her? School-Board Officer. I cannot say. Perhaps some foreign lan- guage, or geography, or geology. Bridget. If ye plaise, yeer Honor, will ye ax the gintleman to spake Inglish. Magistrate. Patience, my good woman. {To School-Board Officer.) I see now it is, this girl is clever, and you wish to push her on, to send her to Girton College, perhaps to become a female wrangler. Meanwhile, I am asked to punish this poor woman, not because she has neglected her daughter s education, out because she is compelled from necessity to keep her at home to look after the'younger children. I think, although, as you say, the case is not provided for by Act of Parliament, that her excuse is a reasonable one, and I shall take upon myself to dismiss the summons. Bridget. Long life to yeer Honor! Biddy, darlint, kiss yeer hand to the gintleman. [Exeunt. School-Board Officer. Your Worship will grant a case for the opinion of a superior Court. Magistrate. Oh, certainly. Call on next ease! , 210 [May 7, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Laura has once been told that it suits her style op Beauty ro BE extremely animated—SO SHE IS ALWAYS on the sparkle— even though Brown is telling her, in broken accents, that "when he saw the Judge put on the Black Cap, he nearly fainted away," &c, &c, &c. SIRENS, AND THEIR LITTLE WAYS. Whereas Maud knows that her great Charm lies in a cer- tain HUNGRY LOOK OF INEFFABLE YEARNING TOWARDS THE INFINITE, and plies it on slr charles, who is assuring her that "all he got to eat in spain was f.vt pork stewed with garlic and Broad Beans, and jolly scrumptious too!" YE INFANTRY OF ENGLAND. A MILITARY ODE. IMITATBD FROM CAMPBELL. "Fas est et ab hoste doceri." Ye Infantry of England, Supposed to guard our shores, Who made a precious mess of it In trying to pot the Boers, Your ready rifles take again, And try another style; Nor fool by old rule While the foreign critics smile, Whilst the Dutchman chuckles loud and long, And our foreign critics smile. Brttannia needs instructors To teach her boys to shoot, Fixed targets and mere red-tape drill Have borne but bitter fruit. Our blunders are a standing joke, The scandal of our Isle, And the Boer loud doth roar, Whilst our foreign critics smile, Whilst the Teuton guffaws loud and long, And our foreign critics smile. The cartridges of England In waste terrific burn; In sighting and in snap-shots, we From foes have much to learn. Then come, ye pipeclayed Infantry, And go to school awhile, Till the fame of your aim Shall no more make foemen smile: Till the Dutchman's chuckle 's heard no more, And your foes have ceased to smile. ENGLISH PROPERTY EXAMINATION PAPER OF THE FUTURE. (To be set to Students of the Inns of Court.) 1. When and under what circumstances has a tenant the right of expelling his landlord? 2. Give the rules regulating abatement of rent. Can the land- lord appeal when the abatement reaches more than seventy-five per cent, f 3. When was distress for rent abolished? Give the date when the landlord practically lost the right of re-entry. 4. Explain the provisions of the Tenant Land Annexation Act. Trace the differences between this Act and the Act for the Total Abolition of Title Deeds. Explain how the sanotion of the House of Lords to these measures became unnecessary by the exercise of the Royal Prerogative. 5. Give a short biography of Griffiths, and describe how the valuation associated with his name was applied to England in the same manner as it had been applied to Ireland. 6. Give the name of the measure by which Boycotting was formally legalised. Give examples of other acts of intimidation and pressure also sanctioned by special statute. 7. A. obtains Blackacre by purchase, and lets it for a term of years to B. At the expiration of B.s lease B. contends that A. has no right of re-entry, because B. has refused from the first to pay any rent. A. has been accustomed from time to time to send in furniture to Blackacre, which B. has used. B. claims the furniture. Has A. any remedy against B. ¥ Giveyour reasons for your answer. 8. Define Real Property. How long has real property ceased to exist in England P To Lohd Shaftesbury on the Celebration of His Eightieth Birthday Last Week.—The Factory Act should be remembered as one of the most satis-factory Act* of his Lordship's life. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Mat 7, 1881. THE SCHOOL OF MUSKETRY. E..FB {to F.-il. H. R. H. TnE Cojtilindek-iw-Chief). "I SAY, DOOK! YOU DON'T HAPPEN TO WANT A PRACTICAL 'MUSKETRY INSTRUCTOR,' DO YOU f" Mat 7, 1881.] 213 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE NO-THOROUGITFARE PARTY. The death of Lord Beacons- field having deprived the great Deadlock Party of the charmer who made them caper to Liberal tunes, it may be well for them to consider the advisability of pre- serving the spirit he infused into their policy. These are not the days to go backwards, or to pre- sent an obstinate front to changes merely because they are changes. If the Tories or Conservatives had not opposed every social reform which has been carried during the present century, they would not have languished so long in the cold shade of Oppo- sition. If they had welcomed gas, railways, cheap bread, cheap newspapers, and other material improvements, instead of doing all they could to strangle them, they would have beaten the Libe- rals easily on their own ground. It is always more respectable to be a Conservative than a Radical, and this is a country in which respectability is a great motive power. Asylum. Holders of brief authority in various parts of Europe are dis- pleased that England exists as a safe harbour for political refugees, forgetting that the day may not be far distant when they may be glad to claim for themselves what they now wish to withhold from others. It is not many years since that a great King fled to this country under the name of "Smith," and ten years ago a greater Emperor might have been seen hobbling across an English common. PUNCH'S FANCY PORTRAITS.-NO. 30. HIS GRACE THE DUKE OF BEDFORD, K.G. Observe bis Grace in an Idyllic Covent Garden, so it is the Fanciest of Fancy Portraits. His Grace has bad bis yacht, The Claymore, refitted; why not have this Mud-moor made sweet and clean, and kept so? NO, MRS. JARLEY! At a celebrated "Wax-work Show there is a Chamber of Hor- rors and a Valhalla of European Celebrities. It is in the interest of the exhibition to keep pace with the times, but is it in the interest of good taste or good feeling that Mrs. Jarley, in a quiet country town, on the occasion of the pri- vate funeral of a great Statesman, should display handbills and pla- cards—drawing attention to the fact that "a Portrait-Model" of the distinguished dead has been added to the collection? It is not quite the thing to put a funeral and an execution on tho same footing. His Successor. There is no royal road to the leadership of a great Party; no power of purchase, no hereditary claim, and while those who pro- bably think otherwise arc strug- gling for the honour of succes- sion, the real Leader is silent and undiscovered. When his time comes, he will make himself known—perhaps a man without title or position or family preten- sions; and the crowd of Dukes, Earls, and lordlings, who are now trying on the clothes of the dead giant, will at once recognise their master. "r-ADDY GREEN'S DAUGHTER." "We beg to acknowledge the receipt of generous subscriptions from India. The senders will be glad to hear that the result of our appeal has been most satisfactory. Present distress has been alle- viated, and some provision made for the future. HASH-WEDNESDAY AT CLERKENWELL. Meddlevex Magistrates have got over their pre- judice against Handel, Haydn, Mendelssohn, and others, and have withdrawn their illegal man- dates against the performance of Sacred Music in the unfortunate places at present under their con- trol on Ash-Wednesdays, Good Fridays, Christmas Days, and Sundays. This was not done, of course, without a large amount of public and private pressure—indignation meetings in Hyde Park, and movements on the part of a few of the younger Magistrates. The Seldom-at-Home Secretary also contributed to the result, his sluggish attention having been drawn to the scandal so prominently that he actually caused a letter to he written by one of his private Secretaries! Who can grumble at paying One Hundred and Twenty Millions a year for so much watchful and energetic government P The Chairman of the Bench explained that his suspicions had been aroused as to the infamous character of the entertainments provided at Music—Town—and Concert Halls on the prohibited days, by seeing a handbill announcing a Lecture on Ancient Rome, with pic- torial illustrations, and the lime light. Knowing the extremely suspicious character of the lime-light, to say nothing of Rome, he placed the matter in the hands of the police, and the police having failed to discover the last twelve or fourteen murders, immediately brought all their powers to bear on this degrading exhibition. It is needless to say that after this, the whole Bench united in a vote of unlimited confidence in their Chairman. Sabbatabian Cantabs, i.e. " Sims," object to the University Botan- ical Garden being open on Sunday. A Sim can be sad, can he not be Sym-pathetic? No,—at least so it Sims. A PADDED SELL. At Colney Hatch last Wednesday there was given a Fancy Dress Ball. We are requested to state that none of the following people were present disguised as the undermentioned characters:— Lord Randolph Chttrchill as The Leader of the Opposition. Mr. Solomon Hart, R.A. Mr. E. Lawson . Mr. Augustus Harris Mr. Bhadlaugh Mr. Oscar Wilde Mr. Lauouchere, M.P. Mr. Edmund Yates Mr. Alma Tadema Mr. Healy . Baron Grant Mr. John Hollingshead Sir William Gull Sergeant Ballantine . Mr. Alfred Thompson Captain Morley, M. M. Major Lyon, M. M. Murillo. M. Paid de Cassagnac. David Garrich. An Early Christian Martyr. Mr. Martin Tapper. Edmund Ironside. Henry the Truth. The Flying Dutchman. Hubert Emmett. Sir Walter Scott. William Shakspcare. Dr. Hahnemann. Don Juan. 'The Great God Pan-orama. Dogberry. Verges. The Genii of the Ring. 'The sporting fraternity have made a discovery which promises to add a new delight to the excitement of horse-racing. They have found out that during a race on Epsom Downs the police are too few and too powerless to keep the peace, and, acting on this knowledge, they have organised a series of prize-fights. The camp-followers of the Turf have always included all the representative rowdyism of great cities, and now the thimble-riggers, cockshy men, and comic singers are reinforced by what remains of professional pugilism. 214 [Mat 7, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. *<&~ CULTURE! ~>ur (lUg'lar) Dustman {on first Monday in May). "Now, Betsy, vich is it to be, my bear I —the Hahr-Hay, or the Gruv'nor?!!" Gen. Order, 29,432,721. MEMS. FOE THE MILITIA. Meddle and Muddle Department, H.G., W.O." h/^r^V^f^w^ the *•£!*!? ^.commenced, it has been considered advisable by hi ^n 7v, ♦ bt&tt (after consultation with the Obstructor-in-Chief) to explain some of he changes that are about to be made in that body. M;l^lbV" ntt y?de!?*°^ that although the Service will shortly lose the time-honoured f^^rfk ♦l.^^tttl0,5,1 F-0Ve> **"* wiU under no consideration whatever be ESSS£ «.- wj"*^ and V™M<* of their Comrades in the Line. To effectual^ mphasise this regulation they will wear a large "M" on their shoulder-straps, which STJfc,— °t-mean Mutlnfer>T "Muff." or anv other title of a similar character that a ril^iTf natl?n ^yawot- It must further be comprehended that the Militia will not e allowed to make a selection between "M or N, as the case may be," as such an indulgence would be contrary to the spirit of these provisions. By a recent general order it will have been observed that certain Regiments of Militia have been ordered to reinforce the Line without the smallest regard to sur- rounding oircumstances. Thus the Reserve Men of some Regiments will be sent to Win- chester to act as rifles, while their comrades at Head-Quarters are in London attached to the Guards. This little arrangement is expected to break the monotony of military duty by causing some very amusing con- fusion. Again, in some of these cases the uniform will bo scarlet, in some green. In the first instance the Reserve Men will in- troduce a not unpleasing variety in the appearance of the Corps to which they are affiliated • while in the second, the officers will quickly assume a remarkable resem- blance to Bicyclists, Park Keepers, and Commis8ionnaires. As it has been represented that the Royal Londoners are believed to enjoy special privileges as successors to the Train Bands, it is not impossible that the Musicians of this regiment will be permitted to travel by Underground when not in uniform at the customary fares. It must be understood, however, that if this concession is made to the battalion in question, the act of grace must not be regarded as a precedent by other and less favoured regiments. It is not unlikely that the Mess Property of the Militia will ultimately become the Mess Property of the Line. In return for this, no doubt the Militia will be permitted to share the vietories obtained by the Line. These victories will be inscribed on the colours of the Militia—when new colours are issued to the Militia! Finally, it is quite admitted that by the New Regulations the Militia will lose much of its prestige and most of its traditions, that its Commanders will be put to great expense, and its rank and file to consider- able inconvenience. However, the Autho- rities feel assured that ample compensation has been afforded to all concerned by allow- ing the officers to wear gold lace! By Order, [Signed) Toby, Adjutant General of the Service Going to the Dogs. SONG OF THE SENSITIVE ONE. "Sir Stafford Northcote wrote a polite private letter to Mr. Bradlauoh to explain his public protest."—Parliamentary News. Nay, think me not morose, unkind, Revengeful, rabid, rude. A smart good story I don't mind- Believe me, I 'm no prude. And though to deal in big big D's Myself I may be loath, Pray use them freely, if you please— But, oh, don't take your Oath! Yes, though your language may be strong, Though Gosset you may curse, May greet him with a comic song, I 'II smile at every verse: Sit mute while you affirm—declare, Do either, or try both. But like a trooper / shall swear, If you 're to take your Oath! "ACEOSS PATAGONIA." Patagonia henceforth to be known as Dixie's Land," by the kind permission of Lady Floeence. Mat 7, 1881.] 215 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. LET US LIVE UP TO IT! C.L.3. Vtt/vtLrf. a. H05-SUT H/r DESIGN FOR AN ^ESTHETIC THEATRICAL POSTER. BETWEEN THE LINES. (By the Man who knows how to read there.) Take my word for it, the dramatic ring in that speech of Lord Elcho's the other night shows what he has been doing. I '11 bet ten to one he has got a five-act piece coming out at the Surrey. Apropos of theatrical matters, if the interchange of characters proves a hit at the Lyceum, the spirited Manager will put up Mac- beth, and take a turn with everybody all round. His first venture will be the Armed Head, in which he will be supported by Mr. Booth's Apparition Kings, which I have heard are a creation. All doubts about the destination of the vacant Garter are dispelled. It goes to the Bey of Turns, and the insignia will be sent him in Easte. He will have permission to wear the ribbon "anyhow he kes." I happen to know that little Lord R. Chubchill is "badly disappointed. Gosset managed to get Beadlaugh to the bar, the other day, with five ushers. "I '11 have fifteen, next time," said the lively Sergeant to Sir R. Cabden, who has been giving him lessons in wrest- ling, "and then we '11 see who's afraid. Since Bradlaugh heard this, he has sat under the gallery with a life-preserver. Mr. Gobst's witty onslaught on the "wooden faces " of the Trea- sury Bench has not been unproductive. He has been entrusted with a commission to furnish designs for all the big heads in the next year's Drury Lane pantomime. The high prices at the Opera have improved the character of the ten-and-sixpennygallery. The other night I counted no less than five-and-twenty Duchesses in a row in the slips. REPLIES TO THE BEY. Russia. If you must get into hot water, come and stay at the Winter Palace. That will wake you up, I promise you. France. 'Pon honour, the expedition means absolutely nothing. Why not abdicate, and live in the Champs Elysees? Ever heard of Chaumont? Italy. Go it, my pippin! Italy gives you—moral support. England. Take it quietly. H worst comes to the worst, you may safely count on an engagement at the Aquarium. Austria. You're a troublesome old savage. Bother you! Germany. Don't you listen to anybody but me. When the war is over you shall nave as much of Africa as you like, Boers and all. Turkey. Kismet! Send me elevenpence in stamps. Don't cross 'em. That's the sort of Suzerain I am! A Free Luncheon-Table. Edward Twenttman, Excise-Officer, is a gentleman who com- bines the spirit of Fouche with the tastes of Epicubus. In order to effect the conviction of T. Philpot, of Henry Street, St. John's Wood, for trading without a refreshment-licence, Twentyman con- sumed one dozen oysters, with bread, beer, &c. For supplying this repast Philpot was fined £1 and costs. In future we may expeot to hear of champagne-luncheons, turtle-soup, and pate defoies grot. Why stop at oysters? Hundreds of men should follow the example of this Twentyman. 216 [May 7, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SPUR1US SHAKSPEARIUS AT DRURY-O'LANUS. When, in Great Expectations, Pip and his friend went to see Mr. Wopsle, they expressed their opinion of that great man's Hamlet as heing "massive and concrete." So, when in great expectations we went to see Mr. M'Cullough as \ irginius, the best description of his performance we can give is, that it is massive and concrete"—only that for "concrete" we should substitute something more appropriate,"and say,'' massive with Roman cement." Thank goodness, the Actors, merciful to the public, have shaped this pinchbeck Shakspearian drama into a good acting play; have cut it to something like reason- able limits, and, there being weight enough during the Acts, they give us no "waits" be- tween them. Still, it is faulty. There is exuberance of language where action is mainly required, and not a line to inspire the Actor where action is neither wanted [nor suggested. With much against mm—the play itself to begin with—Mr. M'Cullough's performance is dignified and impressive, with- out any old-fashioned gasp- ing, eye-rolling, grunting and twitching; without the slight A Youthful Member of the Eoman Harristocracy. Captain Appius Croittreiut. I must possess her! Comic Client Claudius. All right, noble Captain, you shall! est Yankee twang, but occasionally with just the least taste in life of a classic Milesian brogue that marks Mr. M'Cullough as a fit exponent of the plays (should they'ever be revived) of that eminent classic Irish author, Terence. Ho is the best Tragedian we've had over from America as yet. Mr. Augustus Hahris would be the verv picture of the gallant young Roman gentleman, Icilius, were it not that his light Cam- bridge blue toga, his lavish dis- play of limb, his painfully fasci- nating smile, his evident anxiety never to be caught by anybody out of profile, and his perpetual struggle into some graceful posi- tion from which he may start into a dance on his own account at the shortest possible notice, are, on the whole, rather suggestive of an overgrown Cupid who has given up his wings as childish, and who has been taking lessons from a Parisian ballet-master. Mr. Harris seems so nervously conscious of his bare arms, and so surprised at perpetually coming suddenly, as it were, across his own legs with no trousers on, that his attentions to Virginia have the air of being generally apologetic for his appearing in this costume at all, and his assump- tion of earnestness is consequently spasmo- dic. He will, no doubt, play it admirably when the fact that the Ro- mans did not wear trousers has oeased to startle him; and his passion will rouse the sympathies of the au- dience when he has quite forgotten to copy that Parisian ballet- master so closely as ho does now; when he is able to denote the irrepressible character of his energy without stamping his foot petu- lantly as if he were starting the galop at the end of the Lancers, or urging some tired coryphees to come up in time for a last Terpsiohorean effect. Without these slight draw- backs, Mr. Harris's Monsieur Icilius would probably be a fine per- formance. The Roman Mob comes out strong; every man"with a stiok; indeed "The Virginians." An Awful Stick on the Stage. we never remember having seen so many sticks on the stage together at any one time, not even at a Drury Lane benefit; and there seemed to be a depth of meaning in that experienced old stager, Mr. Ryder, as Ten- Taters, addressing this crowd of sticks, and telling them how to act. Well, rater Ten-Taters is the noblest Roman of 'em all. Mr. Barnes is the classic Captain Crosstree to the life, and the villainy of Mr. de Lange, the Comic Client—evidently out of a bur- lesque with the song and dance omitted —would thrill the audience with horror if it had not just the contrary effect of tickling them amazingly. Miss Cowell, as Virginia, is a quiet, nice little un- assuming person, decidedly popular. Mrs. Arthur Stirling, as Servia, has doubtless some high classical authority for her costume, but it seemed to us rather like what one might suppose would be worn by a poor relation of Hamlet's mother, when not in mourn- ing, than by a Roman Matron. Her view of the costume for this character might be considered as supported by those of Virginia's uncle, a disreput- able-looking person called Numitorius, from beneath whose decidedly seedv- looking second-hand Roman robe, the rim of a grey trouser (one of a pair probably) was from time to time distinctly visible to the stalls. A Fight for Life—drama in three Aots, by Messrs. Savtle Clarke and Du Terraux, founded on a novel of the same name by Mr. Moy Thomas, has been given at two Gaiety matinSes, and achieved a decided success. Mr. C. Kelly capital. See Kelly. Mr. C. Kelly, Posed Dramatic-Kelly. HOW TO GET UP AN EXHIBITION. Act I. Railway Director. Business is very bad indeed. Where the people go to I don't know. Here we have the best train-service in the world, the finest steamboats on the Channel, and yet nobody will come by our line to the Continent. What's to be done I don t know. Enterprising Journalist. But I do. Pictures! It. D. There are more pictures than enough in the place already. E. J. But not new ones. Think of the hundreds of pictures that must be hung perdus in old farmhouses! Let us get up a Loan Col- lection, and advertise it as the biggest thing of the century. R. D. Bless you, my dear boy! [Suggests luncheon. Act II. Enterprising Journalist. Hi, you there! Double Dutch Farmer. Hi! E. J. Vous avez—I mean du hast, you know, Borne fine pictures. D. D. F. Rosbif, portare-beer, Transvaal run away. E. J. But you have the tableaux. D. D. F. Oh yes, I have plenty tableaux. E. J. Ah, I see, that is a grand. Gerard Dow; that is an unmis- takable Rembrandt; there is a genuine Jan Steen, and what a superb Holbein! Will you lend them for a collection? D. D. F. I lend you? I only too glad to get rid of zem altogezer. [Suggests schnapps. Act III. The Magnifioent Loan Collection of Old Masters Now on View. See what the Traveller says! See what the Thunderer says! See what the Great Art Critio says in these Journals. Return Tickets at Reduced Rates. Act IT. Mr. Punch. Although the " Great Loan Collection of Old Masters" contains the sorriest lot of daubs it has ever been anyone's misfor- tune to see, there is no reason, now that the Spring is upon us, for anyone declining to visit that cheery, pretty old town, the Hague. SOLECISMS AND SNOBBERY! Mr. Tennyson, or any adequate writer of a poem under tfce super- scription of his famous elegy, deserves a legal remedy against offenders who profane solemn verses by vulgarising monumental words. IN MEMORIAM.—Mrs. Snobbier, under Royal Patronage, professed Memoriam Writer for tombs, cards, births, weddings, or complimentary." "Memoriam Writer" Faugh! In the same spirit an Advertising Undertaker prefaces his frequent puff with " Earth to Earth." Pah! Bnt Pecunia non olet. To CoiRSsrOOTiirrg.—The JuIUor does not hold hi-nse[f'bound to aek-noteledne, return, or pay for Contribution*. In no com can these be returned unlets accompanied, bje t ttanpt I antl dirteitd rnvlovt. Copie, tlnr.ld be kept. May 14, 1881.] 217 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI. OUR GUIDE TO THE ACADEMY; Or, sometimes, Our Academy Guy'd. Don't speak to the man at the wheel—the turn- stile—but walk right in, and this being your second visit, go at once to— No. 9. "Here we go round the Mulberry Bush." W. F. Yeames, R.A. Children dancing round a cannon, not a mulberry bush. It evidently ought So. 9.—Infantry and Artillery. to have been entitled . "Infantry and Artillery." For re-christening the picture, note this in Yeames's Diary. No. 16. "We have re-arranged this picture, "The Cheetah Hunt," by J. T. Nettleship. Our version is the correct one. No. 18. Trying a Quack Remedy on a Child. Ernest ZIMMERMAN. No. 21. "Of course I can Dance a Hornpipe! Heady f Off!!" Sydney Hodges. Hodges' best. Real spirit. No. 29. The Genius of the Family. J. B. Burgess, A. First of humanity. No. 16.—Stop Thief! Or tho Chceter Hunt. ROX a"d «°^ solemnly, as if not wishing to commit himself by entire and unreserved assent.) Let me see-um- wnich is Sappho? n,%ile T°an9 JudSei^°kipg toiler than ever, and conscious of an Optical Lady. Which? The man? ■Jfebn nTf.& {™ry cleverly pretending to be suddenly short- "ff/Ate.y- ,0?' " that a man f I didn't see exactly alsoln'kl^^J^ '*"**? \" hr belief in the Wise Youth, and R„? ri^r/ A?™t V an Arf%^- Ah-yes-it is a man, I tliink. woW? V V aU °ng%nal idea^~was Sapi>ho a man or a . Wise Young Judge (cornered). We]l-(painfully conscious of utter iZZCeonnht/0m> ^rT at % Sfl™ *fm of aTaudieTe hanging on his lips for instruction, tries to turn it off vlavfullv and says smilingj-Ah-was Sappho a he or a she? V pla^uU^ Optical Lady (not to be put off). Which is it? He or she? thec7tal^^A{dr'-Ven *° **'Mf one despairing glance at /£,„? i 9 ' .■ obt?>ntna n° inspiration from that, says, with a ,fa{?nSUmpt""1 f Wy' a,Jf enable'to account for an odd ?JjL~JlemaryL1&UTreaUy-? for?et wh»t Sappho was (Audience, disappointed, breaks up and leaves, when he is suddenlv Thr^Mu^. ^ th0U9kt) 0i' °f ^^e was one of the Critical Lady (quite happy now). Oh, of course! _ Wise Xoung Judge (raising his voice, as if to recall the audience). Yes-don t you recolleot ?-the Isles of Greece, the Isles of Greece- where Burning 8APPH0-(Ae«tafes)-where Burning Sappho-(/ot- gets the rest, and finishes airily)-ii& something or other-wept and sung, or something of that sort. Critical Lady (with suddenly revived belief in the Wise Young Judge). Oh, yes, I remember perfectly. How stupid to forget! \_They pass on to other pictures. SHAKSPEARE ON THE "FREE LIST." In one of the earlier folios (we forget which, but probably Mr. *urnivaxl knows) the following passage occurs, showing that the great Dramatist, who was Actor, Author, and Manager, was occa- sionally pestered for free admissions, and that the '^free list" in those days was just as melancholy, dissatisfied, and ill-dressed as it is at present. "'Tis not alone our scarlet cloak, good Mother, Nor rusty evening suits of dingy black, Nor the dejected haviour of the visage, Together with all forms, modes, shows of grief, That may denote us truly. These indeed seem The husks and actions of the fools who pay; But we have that within* which passeth show,f Spite of our trappings and our Buits of woe." * Query-" Within our hands." t Query—" Shows "—meaning that their Orders passed two to the Boxes. Free Sale and Purchase—The Irish Land Bill comprises a scheme for enabling Tenant Farmers to buy their holdings. This will probably satisfy Pat—if the State finds him the money. Mat 14, 1881.] 227 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. "Me itoy the Property, Sorr? GROUND FOR OBJECTION. Me be a Landlord and be shot in the Back I —we 're all goin' to be Tinnants!" Shttre there 's to be no more Landlords! LONDON VERSUS MONACO. [A Legend of the City—purely imaginary.) "There is but one thing to be done," said the Stockbroker deci- sively. "Your Lordship must leave London for Nice—the Justice- Room of the Mansion House for the Casino of Monte Carlo." The Lord Mayor shuddered, and turned pale. "But how will the City get on with- out my hospitality?" he murmured. "Scores of Common-Councilmen will languish, deprived of the Lord Mayor's tea. They love to revel upon muffins and buttered toast." "True," said a short, dapper-looking man in a red opera-hat. "Still, you have a duty to perform, and you must not shirk it. I tell you, my Lord Mayor, that unless you go yourself to Monaco, the curse of gambling will attach for ever to that lovely spot. Presiding at public meetings and receiving petitions is not enough. As a book-maker attending every race-meeting in England and else- where, I assure you there is but one course to pursue. Go; and three to one you put down the tables in less than two-twos!" "Done with vou—in ponies!" cried the Stockbroker. '" Well, Gentlemen," replied the Lord Mayor, "be it as you will. This evening I leave for the Continent." "You take with you the best wishes of two earnest men," said the Stockbroker and Betting-man, dropping on their knees. "The scandal is unbearable! Fortunately, England is free from all sorts They left, and in the evening the night-mail steamer from Dover to Calais carried across a gentleman bearing a remarkable resem- blance to Mr. Toole. It was the Lord Mayor! A week had passed, and yet nothing had been heard of the Chief Magistrate of the City of London. It was known that he had reached Monaco safely, and it was whispered that he [attended the gambling-saloons regularly. "With all the arguments at his fingers' ends, he must convert them," said the Stockbroker. "All honour to the Lord Mayor for undertaking such a mission!" The Betting-man agreed with him, and then the two friends talked of the chances of the favourite winning the Derby, and that possi- bility of a further rise in Mexicans New. As they conversed to- gether a letter was brought them bearing the Nice postmark. In a moment they had mastered its contents. The Lord Mayor was making his way—he had already seen the tables at all times, and was well known to many of the croupiers. He hoped soon to abolish gambling in all its branches. "This is as it should be!" cried the Stockbroker, enthusias- tically. The words were scarcely uttered ere a footman hurriedly entered the room, bearing a Telegraphic Despatch upon a massive gold salver. "What is this!" cried the Stockbroker, as he read the pink paper. "All is lost! Our la6t hope is gone!" Hum!" said the Bookmaker, looking at the telegram. "Let us see what he says "— Lord Mayor, Monaco, to Secretary, Anti-Gambling Association, London. "Have found out infallible system. Lost all Lhad with me putting on the pot. Must win next lime. Send all the money you can scrape together!" "Horror!" exclaimed the Stockbroker, "he has fallen a victim to the plague he went to cure." "This comes of leaving the pure moral atmosphere of the im- maoulate City of London, because there is nothing to reform over here! We might have expected it!" And shaking their heads sorrowfully, the two men of business departed—one to Capel Court and the other to Epsom—to carry on their usual very innocent avocations! PUNCH, [May 14, 1881. LONDON CHARIVAEI. ■ '-Vi U '. v , III ■' Alderman. You say if we send your boy to school, we must send you to the workhouse? Mary Smith. That's just it, your Honor. It's hard livin as it is wi' the nine shillin that Tom brings in, but without it we 'd starve. Alderman {to School-Board Officer). It seems a hard case. School-Board Officer. The Board, your Worship, has no option in the matter. The boy has not passed the standard prescribed by the Act of Parliament. Alderman. Is the boy's employer here? [The Master of the Boy comes forward. Master. Your Honor, he has been with me for over three months. A steady boy, writes a good hand and very good at accounts. School-Board Officer. Not passed the fourth standard. Alderman. That may be law, but it ain't common sense. I was earning money myself before I was fourteen, and I ain't ashamed to own it. I have no doubt that what the woman says is true, that her boy's earnings are the chief part of her income, and you ask me to take it from her, not because he is not up in the three R.'s, but, I suppose, because he can't tell the meaning of the three J.'s, or some equally good reason. In any case, I don't feel justified in depriving this poor family of their daily bread; and whatever be the con- sequence, I shall dismiss the summons. School-Board Officer. Your "Worship will grant a case for the opinion of a Superior Court? Alderman {aside to Clerk). Superior Court! What does the fellow mean? Clerk. He has a right to appeal. Alderman. >So be it. More law, more expense; and all for the sake of sending this poor woman to the workhouse, and thus imposing a double tax on the rate-payers. First the cost of the appeal, and then the cost of maintaining her if it succeeds. What is the next case? SIR G. M. GOES IN FOR CULTURE. "Look 'ere, Clarke. 'Appy Thought! I 'll make this little ROOM THE LlBERY, YOU KNOW; 'AVE A LOT O' BOOKS. MlND YOU ORDER ME SOME." "Yes, Sir Gorgius. What sort of Books shall I order! "Oh, the best, ok course, with Binding and all that to MATCH I" "Yes, Sir Gorqius. How mast shall I order?" "Well—let me see—suppose we say a couple o' 'itndred yards of 'em, hay? tliat '8 about the size of it, i think!" SCHOOL-BOARD PAPERS.—No. 3. In the City—before Alderman Goodfellow. Present—The Alderman, Clerk, Usher, School-Board Officer, Police Officers, fyc. Usher. Call Mary Smith. [iSAe comes forward. The Clerk. You are summoned, Mrs. Smith, for not sending your son Thomas to school. What have you to sav? Mary Smith. I 've just to say, Sir, that the boy is over thirteen year old, and has had book larnin enough, and is now at his work and earnin nine bob a week. Alderman. Is the defendant a widow? School-Board Officer. Yes, Sir; she has three children besides this boy Thomas, who, as she says, is regularlv at work? Alderman. And that is his offence? And is he earning nine shillings a week? School-Board Officer. Yes, so his master tells me. Alderman. And you prosecute the mother of this boy because he is earning his own bread? School-Board Officer. Your Worship is aware that the Act of Parliament makes no exceptions. The boy must attend school until he is fourteen. Alderman. Mary Smith, you have three other children, and this boy is the eldest r Mary Smith. Yes, Sir; and a better boy there isn't in theparish; brings his nine 6hillin to me every Saturday reglar. Your Worship, nine bob a week mayn't be much to the like o' you; but take it from us, and you may just send us to the workus at once. THE WAY WE TALK NOW. {From the Coming Conversation Book.) "With the introduction of the Electrophone, distance will disappear, the intermediary will vanish, and, at one stroke, every method of communication be revolutionised."—Scientific Gossip. Really, the first act of this new piece at the Francais has gone capitally; and, here in Pimlico, in my shirt sleeves, sipping milk and soda, with my feet on the mantelpiece, I am enjoying it im- mensely. The arrangement by which the whole 652 Members of the House of Commons can now sit in the midst of their respective constituents, and all talk at once, seems to me quite admirable. My Serious Aunt is certainly right. It is foolish of me to have touched the wrong stop, and have turned on a matinSe at the King's Cross Theatre instead of the Cathedral Service! As the sermon has now commenced, will you oblige me with a cork? It is most delightful to hear Mr. Irytng's speeches as Synorix issuing from the teapot when I choose to open the lid. Yet I miss his wig. Will you just give a hint to the Premier that it is not the sound of feeding-time at the " Zoo " that he is listening to with such a pleasing smile, but a personal communication from the Emperor of China on the subject of international pomade. The page's waggish "I see you!" shouted into the Solicitor's reoeiver, has, 1 find, been charged to me on seventeen separate occa- sions at six-and-eightpence. I wish I had not made that proposal to elope with Eukyanthe, to her fire-eating uncle in the Dragoons. Good gracious! That must be the voice of Lord Randolph Churchill! Turn off the current, and say I 'm at Kamschatka. Uncharitable Opposition. The motion for a public statue to the late Lord Beaconsfield is being opposed in the House of Commons. This, to say the least of it, shows a want of charity. There are dead Ministers whose work spread over a period of forty years has left so many substantial monuments in the shape of beneficial legislation, that they require no stone effigy to keep their memory green. With every respect for the unexceptionally brilliant career of the late statesman, we can hardly think that he stands in this position. Let him have a statue. To CouiaFOnnn.- Tlu Editor does not \obi *«.««'/ bound to ttehnoxltdgt, return, or pay for Contribution: stamped and directed envelope. Copies eboi'ld be kept In ** com can thru bt returned nnUu oeewnpanieti ty • Mat 21, 1881.] 229 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. FRUSTRATED SOCIAL AMBITION. Collapse of Postlethwaite, Maudle, and Mrs. Cimabde Brown, on beading in a WIDELY-CIRCULATED CONTEMPORARY JOURNAL THAT THEY ONLY EXIST IN Mr. PlVCH's VIYID IMAOINATION. THEY HAD FONDLY FLATTERED THEMSELVES THAT UNIVERSAL FAME WAS THEIRS AT LAST. SCHOOL-BOARD PAPERS.—No. 4. In the City—before Alderman Buncombe. A Woman is Standing Present— Chrk, Usher, Police School-Board Officer, Solicitors, §-c at the Bar. Alderman Buncombe. Who is this Woman? School-Board Officer. Her name, your Worship, is Jane Jones, and she has been summoned for not sending her son John Jones, aged ten years, to school in terms of the Act of Parliament. Alderman. And if not, why not? The Hact is a hexeellent one, and 'eaps of money have been spent on it. I 've always gone in for eddication, and so long as I 'old this hoffice I '11 see that the Hact is obeyed. A Solicitor rises in Court and addresses the Magistrate. ^olicitor. Please your Worship, I have been requested by a lady client of mine to appear °n- u \T • • p00T woman- *ut permit me, with all respect to say that I agree entirely with the opinion your Worship has so eloquently expressed as to the advantages of education, and of which your Worship is so excellent an example {here the worthy Alderman draws himself up with much dignity); and I may say at once, without circumlocution Alderman. Ain't that rather a long word? Solicitor. I admit it, and apologise accordingly, as I well know the value of your Worship s time. I may further say at once that Jane Jones admits her boy has of late been somewhat irregular in his attendance at school. Alderman. She pleads guiltv, don't she? Solicitor. Far from it, your Worship, she has, I submit, a good answer to the summons, ine tact is, her boy, being enticed by other boys—and boys, your Worship, will be boys— occasionally plays truant. Alderman {chuckling). Lor! I 've done so many a time myself! ■ ^""titor. And so have I, and so have all of us in our time. And would it not have been intolerable, your Worship, if your respected mother, or my mother, or anybody else's TOL, LXXi, X i mother, had been dragged into a police- court, because you, or I, or anyone else had preferred a game of cricket to school? That, your Worship will admit, would have been a hard case, but the case of this poor woman is infinitely harder. She is a laundress, and out at her work all day long. She sends the boy to school every morning, and pays his school fees. I con- fidently submit, therefore, that she has done her duty and obeyed the law. School-Board Officer. The boy attends very irregularly, your Honour—stays away sometimes whole days. 1 believe what the gentleman says, that it is not his mother's fault. Solicitor. Then I ask your Worship upon what principle of law or reason you can punish one person for the offence of another? If A. commits a murder, can you charge B. with the crime? Alderman. Well, it ain't a question of A. or B., but of A B C. {Loud laughter in Court, in which the worthy Alderman joins.) What does the lor say on this 'ere point? {Addressing the Clerk.) Chrk. The Act, your Worship, clearly makes the parent responsible for the child's attendance in all cases. Solicitor. But the law could never mean that this poor woman should remain all day at school watching her boy while he is being taught. Alderman. You mean for to say that she would starve while he 's being a-crammed! {Loud laughter in Court, in which the worthy Alderman again joins.) Solicitor. Ha! ha! Tour Worship has stated my argument much better than I could myself. But to be serious-if this poor woman is kept dancing attendance on her boy all day, she must neglect her work and starve. Alderman. That is all very well, but you see we don't make the lor, do we? {Addressing the Clerk, the latter shakes his head.) If we did make the lor, I think we could turn out better work than some folks I know. {Some one in the crowd laughs aloud.) Usher, turn that man out, and I 've a great mind to fine him for contempt of Court! Imperence! {Ad- dressing the Defendant, he continues.) Now we 've 'eard all that can be said for you, but I 'm bound to tell you that it amounts to nothink. The lor must be obeyed. We 'ave no hoption in this 'ere matter. You must pay a fine of ten shillings. Clerk. Five shillings, your Worship, is the maximum fine under the Act. Alderman. Jane Jones, you must pay a fine oljive shillings. Jane Jo?ies. Your Worship, I haven't five shillings in the world. School-Board Officer. I must apply for a distress-warrant in this case. Alderman. Very good. Now then, look sharp! Call on the next case. A Forcible Reply. The Great Conservative Deadlock Party say the country is being ruined by what they are pleased to call the "Kevolu- tionary Party." The country replies in the most unmistakeable manner by send- ing up Consols to 102j—the highest figure reached during the present century. Con- sols are peculiar, almost to the verge of rudeness. When Lord Palmebston died, they went down two-and-sixpence; ant when Lord Beaconsfield diea, even th s slender compliment was denied to him. 230 [May 21, 1881 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. "OPTICS." Lecturer. "Now let anyone gaze steadfastly on any Object—say, for instance, his Wife's Eye—and he 'll see himself looking so exceedinoly small, that" Strong-minded Lady (in Front How). "Hear! Hear! Hear!" "CHARITY" COVERS A MULTITUDE OE SINS! (A Fragment from the Diary of our paid Philanthropist.) His appearance moved me strangely. He had a pale cheek, a bloodshot eye, an air of chronic depression. And yet he had evidently moved in the best society, had fared upon the choicest viands of the pastrycook's art. I continued our conversation. "You have met the Duke or Loamshire?" I suggested. "Frequently," he replied. "In fact, we are always dining together. You must know him—little man, with Jewish nose, who stutters fearfully." "No," I admitted humbly; " I confess I have not the honour of his Grace's acquaint- ance. And I think you said that you had come aoross Mr. Cabinet Seat, a distinguished Member of the last Government P" "Certainly. He bothers me by always getting upon the subject of figures. I do bo wish he would try to forget that he once was Chancellor of the Exchequer." "And," I oontinued, in a tone of awe, " I believe you said that you had dined with His Royal Highness the" "On more than one occasion," he inter- rupted. Then he oontinued carelessly, but yet with a tone of some little pride, Yes, His Royal Highness certainly has a very food audience when I am dining with him. laugh at all his jokes, and ' Hear! hear!' all his statements." I could not help wondering how such a man could be on terms of Buch easy fami- liarity with so illustrious a personage. Per- haps my ears had deceived me. I would test them. "You said, I think, that your name was Snooks?" "Quite right," he replied—"Snooks of Pattersea, tallow-chandler and philanthro- pist." "And—pardon me—knowing all these grand people—Princes of the Blood, States- men, and distinguished Men of Letters— you are not happy?" "No," he said, mournfully, "they bore me out of my life, but I have grown so accustomed to them that I can't leave them off. But it's killing me—it's killing me!" "What's killing you?" "The watery soup, the uncooked salmon, the tepid entrees, the undrinkable Cham- pagne.' "Why not partake of simpler fare?" I asked in a tone of consolation, as I saw that he was very deeply moved. "I must do as they do," he replied with a sigh. "And yet it must be very bad for both of us." I did not quite understand him, and told him so." "It will tell upon the Prince in the long run," he exclaimed, excitedly: "and I am sure it will kill the Duke. Why, he looks as ill as I do!" I waited for more. "And the hour too! Fancy dining at six or half-past six o'clock! But that reminds me, it is time that I should be off to dress! Farewell!" I could not let him leave me so abruptly. He had thoroughly excited my curiosity. Besides, I had a duty to perform—to investigate mysteries for the benefit of humanity. "Stay!" I said firmly, but not unkindly, "I must speak plainly. You are plebeian by birth, education, and employment. Yon do not possess any charm of manner or conversation. And yet you are constantly meeting the cherished members of the highest society!" ?l But I pay for it! "he cried. "Oh, the watery soup f oh, the uncooked fish! oh, the undrinkable Champagne! But I must be gone—the hour grows late—it is time that I should dress! Unhand me! let me go!" "Never!" I cried, fiercely, "until I know your secret! Snooks—plebeian Snooks !— now do you manage thiB?" "Look at my wasted figure, my careworn face, my weary expression! Is not your question answered? And he sighed heavily. "No!" I replied, sternly. And then I repeated, "How do you manage to meet these illustrious men r" "By feeding every night of my life at a guinea charitable dinner!" And he sobbed like a child! "Alas! unhappy one!" I exclaimed with a burst of indescribable emotion, as the Doomed One drove away in a hansom. I have never seen him since! I can only suppose that the philanthropic Champagne has Killed him! Mat 21, 1881.] 231 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED I'llOM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. "A FRIGHTFUL STATE OF THINGS Monday Night, May 9.—Mr. Gladstone having by strategic retreat avoided the shock of Mr. Ashmf.au Babtlett's attack on Friday night, and having on more than one recent occasion shown himself rebellious under the control of Mr. "Wabton, Mr. Cavendish Bentjxcx determined to take him in hand. Right Hon. Gentleman arrived about midnight, having escaped the wearisome details of Irish Land Bill. Crossed the floor with, that stately deliberate step peculiar to him. Carefully dressed for the occasion. Artfully rumpled his hair, disarranged his shirt-front, got his white necktie a little awry, and generally presented the appearance of Tony Lump- kin after dining in unaccustomed garb at the Squire's. All this pure art, designed to throw Mr. Gladstone off his guard. Lure him into indiscretion under the impression that he has no one more terrible to deal with than Tony Lumpkin. C. B. will not take the seat on the front Opposition Bench to whioh he is entitled as having held high judicial-military office under the Crown. He will not accept any extraneous aid derivable from position. Takes up place below the Gangway, and thence, with ter- rible eye fixed on the Premier, proceeds to indict him for having !" (See Royal Academy Catalogue, No. 71.) continuous Morning Sittings. Never heard of such a thing before Morning Sittings never commence till the end of May or the begin- ning of June. The Premier, meeting art with art, pretends to be writing whilst C. B., his words tripping up each other in their haste to be out, fulminates in this manner. Also, the Premier smiles softly to himself, as if he knew of a joke somewhere. C. B. sits down, apparently in the middle of a sentence, and then the hardened Pbemieb rises, and with wreathed smiles and graceful inclination of his head towards the ex-Judge-Advocate-General, he points out how, through successive years of the Administration of which the Right Hon. Gentleman was so distinguished and important a member, there were Morning Sittings in April, and even in March. C. B. thinks there is a mistake somewhere, and with the same firm tread. straight as an arrow from the bow, he makes for the doorway, and does not return. Business done.—Monument voted to Lord Beaconstield by 380 votes against 54. Tuesday Night.—The Bradlaugh Minuet, down on bill for to- night, did not come off. It was a pity, since I am told Mr. Newde- 232 [May 21, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI gate intended to join in. He has been practising the step for some time, and had a little "business" with the red pocket-handkerchief which was calculated to bring down the House. Easy to imagine how great an improvement this would have been on the original perform- ance. Captain Gosset and Mr. Bbadlaugh would probably have been partners, as they have had a good deal of practice, and know each* other's step. Mr. Newdegate could have faced Mr. Bead- laugh; and those who have seen him bowing to the Chair can Eomance Ilere 's Mister Dillon, As i'ris'ner of Chillon. Reality. And here's Mister Dillon, A Bmokin' an' swillun'. easily picture the stately grace with which he would have conducted himself, and can call up some faint adumbration of the grace of the red pocket-handkerchief waving to the slow motion of the dance. Mr. Bhadlaugh, who owes Mr. Newdegate a grudge in respect of some action in a Court of Law, spoiled the sport by showing him- self as meek as a calf. Came up in the ordinary style to the table, which with us answers the part of the footlights in other theatres. The Speaxer gave the signal for the minuet. Cap- tain Gosset advanced in the usual style, claimed, his partner as before; Mr. Bradlaugh retired backward to the Bar. Then he should, according to directions followed on last occasion, have broken away from his partner, and coyly tripped forward to the footlights. Then Mr. Newdegate would have stepped, forward from the wings, and the thing would have gone all right. But Mr. Bbadlaugh stood in depressed attitude at the Bar, and in plaintive voice protested against mankind. After this he was walked off. Tremendous clamour; people demanding their money back; House suddenly shut up, and by nine o'clock all the lights out. Business done.—Mr. Bbadlaugh expelled, House adjourned at ten minutes to nine. Wednesday Afternoon.—Randolph sometimes vexes the House, which has an old-fashioned hankering after the tempering of youth Set Sau-lisbury; or, the " Use of Sarum." with modesty. But to-day this feeling vanished in an access of sym- pathy. Randolph has lost his Little Bill. He died this afternoon Quietly and without a struggle, insensible, it is to be hoped, to the jibe which that Parliamentary sapeur, the sitting Member tor North- ampton, flung across its death cradle. The Little Bill never was a healthy child, and immediately after his birth he received a blow on the head from one of his reputed parents, from which he never recovered. When Mr. Goest thus unnaturally spurned and forsook him, Randolph took him up, and has nursed him gently for many months. But he was hopeless from the first. Perhaps he was a little overweighted at the font. No infant, save of exceptionally strong constitution, could survive such a name as he was fondly dowered with. Perhaps Randolph is more capable of assisting in the massacre of other people's innocents than in the rearing of his own. However it be, the little one died this afternoon, and the House observed with respectful sympathy the parental anguish. Frail offspring of concentrate thought, Called hence by early doom; Came but to show how weak a flower In such strong soil might bloom. Business done.—Lord Randolph, after debate, withdraws the Recovery of Small Debts (Limitation of Actions) Bill. Thursday Night.—Another sleepy night with the Irish Land Bill. Mr. Shaw justified Lord Elcho's one good thing in an hour's speech. He is, as my Lord said, among Irish Members the three S's—Sober, Sensible Shaw. A fresh and welcome contribution from Ireland in Mr. Macnaghten. The Member for Antrim has the peculiar facial quality noted by Mr. Goest (under correction from the Pbeslteb) in another Ulsterman. Mr. Law. He is essentially "wooden-faced." But this adds greatly to the salt of his humour. He says odd things in a dry voice and with expressionless face. His jokes have about them the quality of surprise which would be occasioned by a few sen- tentious remarks from one of the stone figure-heads carved about Westminster. A Gentleman speaking from behind the Treasury Bench. Thought it was Traddles—David CopperfieWs friend, "a shy, steady, good-natured man, with a comical head of hair, and eyes rather wide open, wnich give him a surprised look, a hearth - broomy sort of expression." But it was only Sir John Ramsden, who wished to inform the House that he had "great difficulty in swallowing the Bill." Should not have thought, looking at his face, that his diffi- culties would lie in this direction. Mr. Mitchell Heney ran amuck at the Parnellites, letting Mr. Paenell have it straight. Mr. Plunket mercifully intervened between Mr. A. M. Sullivan and the Member for Galway. When, later, A. M. found "\V. E. G. playing the Spin-it. his chance, Mr. Mitchell Heney absent. "Gone to seek that repose," said A. M., "in which the House was sunk during the earlier part of his speech." Business done.—Land Bill further debated. Friday Night.—Loed Geoege Hamilton succeeded in probing beneath the thick covering of imperturbability which Lord Haettnq- ton usually wears. It takes a good deal to do this, and Lord Gkorge did a good deal. Went back to old questions of delay in producing papers before debate on Afghanistan. Once before question raised on Conservative Benches, and plain intimation given of suspicion that Lord Haetington had deliberately kept the Minutes back for party purposes. His Lordship flared up then with such blazing wrath that the Opposition protested, with one voice, that they had meant nothing. Lord George, forgetful of this lesson, mildly in- sinuates the old scandal. Lord Haetington down on him in a twinkling. Takes him between his teeth and shakes him as a mastiff might shake a terrier. (All this, of course, strictly in Parliamentary sense.) The Government should pay someone to "rile" Haetington from time to time. Very good when he is roused. Business done.—Minister of Agriculture promised. A BEMINISCENCE OF CHESTEB. "You have now seen Windsor," said a well-known backer, after Sir John Astlei's horse had won the Chester Cup. "And now," uttered the affable Welsher preparatory to a hurried flight, "you will see what are known as the Windsor Slopes." MOTTO FOE THE REJECTED AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY (suggested by one of the Forty).—" Hanging's too good for them!" May 21, 1881.] 233 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. AN IDYLLIC DUET. (A New Version, as Sung under the Gallery with the Greatest Success by the Sergeant-at-Arms and the Junior Member for Northampton.) "Wheee are you going to, my stubborn head? "Where are you going to, my stubborn head?" "I'm going a-swearing, Gosset," he said; "I 'm going a-swearing, Gosset," he said. "Then I must come after you, my stubborn head; Then I must come after you, my stubborn head." "You may come if you like, Old Gosset," he said; "You may come if youUike, Old Gosset," he said. "Now you 're tempting your fortune, my stubborn head, Now you 're tempting your fortune, n»y stubborn head." "Why,—my Oath is my fortune, Gosset," he said; "Why,—my Oath is my fortune, Gosset," he said. "Then, I don't think much of you, my stubborn head, Then, I don't think much of you, my stubborn head." "Nobody axed you to, Gosset," he said; "Nobody axed you to, Gosset," he said. {Dance up the middle, touch shoulder, and dotcn again.) SUGGESTIONS FOE A MODEL RAILWAY. (Respectfully Submitted to the Select Committee now Sitting.) Stations.—To be furnished with a view to comfort of the rich and the Art-education of the poor. The Platform and First-Class Waiting-Room to be given over for decoration to the Kyrle Society. First and Second-Class Waiting-Rooms to be luxuriously uphol- stered by leading firms wishing to exhibit their choicest wares. Young Women in Refreshment Department to be "intense." Lilies to be always ready for iEsthetio luncheon parties. Station-Master to pass an Art-examination before receiving appointment. Carriages—First- Class.—To be supplied with leading periodicals of the day. Station-Master to preside at excellent circulating library. Punkahs for summer, hot- water pipes for winter. Band of soft music (stationed in luggage-van) to be laid on by special telephonic wire. Sofas, arm-chairs, lounges, &c, to be suspended by silken cords to roof of car- riage, to prevent vibration. Conserva- tory (with working fountain), billiard- rooms, tanks (well stocked for those who like fishing), and Turkish baths to be attached to every compartment. Second-Class.—To contain good Re- ference Library. Comforts in every way suitable to a middle-class home. Me chanical Piano for use of passengers with musical tastes. Chess, bagatelle the race game, and other amusements of a kindred character. Third-Class.—Popular Educator in every compartment, at the service of "backward" travellers. Accomplishments—French, German, the rudiments of drawing, and the use of the globes. At intervals, interesting discourses (by staff of skilled Polytechnic Lecturers), with "brilliant experiments," during the day. Dissolv- ing-views, illustrating country traversed, during the night. Works of Art lent from the South Kensington Museum, &c, to be changed at the end of every journey. General Arrangements.—Each train to be accompanied by obliging Directors anxious to afford information on every subject when questioned. Telegraph-wires to be used for displaying the notes of new pieces for the benefit of musical amateurs. Whistling on the engine to be done on the pipes of a deep-toned organ. Names of Stations to be sung in harmony by a choir of porters with carefully selected voices. Arrival of trains to be announced during' the day by the sound of distant joy-bells, and at night by grand display of fireworks. Tunnels to be illuminated with the electric light tem- pered by rose-coloured glasses. Every Junction at which the Public have to wait to change a train, to be supplied with good shooting and other seasonable field-sports. "Amusing rattles" to be ob- tained on application to accompany a dull party of three or more. Mesmerists to be furnished to wakeful passengers wanting to go to sleep. Ill-natured old maids and troublesome children to oe carried to their 'destination in mineral trains. Punctuality to be insured by hanging the Traffic Manager whenever there is the slightest cause for complaint. An Edition de luxe of Bradshaw's Guide, translated into intelligible English, to be commenced immediately. And Accidents—lo be entirely abolished! OUR LITTLE GAMES. r~~ Cricket :— carrying oct his bat. High, Low, Jack, and Game. AT ME. GANZ'S CONCERT. He. We are very late, but we are in time for the Fourth Part of this marvellous Symphonie Fantastique." A wonderful man is Berlioz. She. Oh, charming! So original! I hope he '11 write many more Symphonies. He (with a vague idea that Berlioz is no more). Yes, yes! He was a Russian, wasn't he, by the bye? She (equally fogged). It is a very Russian name. He (looking at programme). Now for it! Ah!—(pretending he knows it by heart)—this movement illustrates a deep Bleep accompa- nied by the most horrible visions. How admirably those loud sounds of the violoncello express one's idea of adeep sleep! She (not to be outdone at this game of "Brag"). Yes, yes! Listen! Now he thinks he is being led to the scaffold to the strains of a solemn march. How gloomy, how awe-inspiring are those pizzicato touches on the violins! He (having got another bit by heart). Grand! Grand! Just hearken to the muffled sounds of heavy footsteps! It is finished! Oh, massive! Oh, grand! Like a reverie in some old cathedral! She. It almost moved me to tears. Nothing more exquisitely doleful have I ever heard! Third Party (leaning over). How do you do P How are you? I saw you come in. How late you were I But you were in time for that third lovely movement. He and She. Oh, grand! Magnificent! Superb! Solemn! Third Party. The light rustling of the trees moved by the wind was so wonderfully expressed! He (amazed). En? Third Party. Yes, you noticed it, of course. Did it not conduce to bring to your heart an unaccustomed placidity, and to give to your ideas a more radiant hue? She (confounded). What? Third Party. Why. the Third Part. He and She. Oh, the Third Part! Third Party. Yes; and now you'll hear the Fourth Part.. Now you will hear a deep sleep accompanied by the most horrible visions. Ta! ta! [Exit, and their enjoyment is gone for the Concert. Lynching iy Excslsis.—Suspending a Constitution. 23 i [May 21, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS. THE MUSICAL DUCHESS. Behold her Grace rehearsing for an Afternoon Concert at Mrs. Ponsonby be Tomkyns's, before an appreciative Audience, which consists of the Host and Hostess, and a few Professionals who have been retained to play her Grace's Obliqato Accompaniments. Her Grace always sinos her own Words, set to her own Music. Her Compositions are endless ; and when once she begins, she doesn't like to leave off in a hurry. the worst of it is, her grace's Music invariably drives all the other Duchesses away—only Mrs. P. de T. is not yet aware of this. FASHION REPEATS ITSELF. "He (M. de Girardin) promoted with ardour the expedition to Tunis. . . He also thought that France was growing too tume-spirited, too like a barn- door fowl, and that the burning of a little powder would stir her blood and strengthen her fibres."—Baity News. France {trying on Casque) loquitur— Becomes me! La Bepublique c'est la paix? Oh yes, precisely. And yet this Mars-like headpiece, I must say, Fits rather nicely. Revanche? La Ouerre? La Gloire t Powder and Steel? Oh never, never! I do thank Heaven that I no longer feel War's scarlet fever. I chose this fashion, and have no desire For hasty changing, Only just now and then dress does require Some re-arranging. J grow pugnacious? Such reports are wild, Mendacious rumours; Although of course I 'm not to be reviled By rascal Kroumirs. Fancy! I 'm not a Caquet Bonbec quite, A barn-yard scrateher; And if la France had a desire to fight, How few could match her! That Bey's a bit too bounceable; he '11 find Swelling brings dizziness. The Powers? Perhaps they will be pleased to mind Their proper business. Confound But stay—no temper; that an old Imperial lune is, But which of them will have the cheek to scold Concerning Tunis? The notion stirs my blood, makes my tint turn, My voice swell louder; They think me tame? Then I shall have to burn A little powder. A shot or two perhaps might tend to strengthen My moral fibres, And cause the physiognomies to lengthen Of foreign gibers. Eh? What? That Circular of Si. Hiiaire Causes hilarity? Disgusting! Foreign critics, I declare, Are void of charity. I 've been a Saint in patience all men know— Almost too saintly; Astonished Europe thinks my blood must flow Feebly and faintly. Let those who doubt me read the declaration Of mon cher Ferry. "Respect for law, strict justice, moderation "— True, true—oh, very! Annex? Ft done! I solemnly proclaim 'Tis false, completely. ■ Well, this jaunty headpiece all the same Becomes me sweetly. {Left admiring herself.) But- Land and Game Law.—Some advanced Land Law Reformers wish to substitute a Peasant for a Pheasant Proprietary. New Song for tiie Foreign Bondholder.- Bey of Tunis Owe f" What does the PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—May 21, 1881. "VIVE LA GLOIRE!" OR, FASHION REPEATS ITSELF. Mat 21, 1881.] 237 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. UTILE TRISTI; OK, HOW TO MIX IT. The Vicar of Hughenden's "practical memorial suggestion has not been slow in producing its fruits. The Beaconsfield Memorial Committee have already received the following propositions :— s of paint for the interior of the Duke of 1 ork s Col umn, Three co&ts proposed by the Clerk of the Works. , A new line of omnibusses from Mile End to Anywhere, suggested by a Tory job-master. . The laying down of a memorial wood pavement in the Borough Road moved by several constitutional rate-payers. The floating of a National Memorial Bath and Wash-house Lom- pany, set on foot by a few staunch Conservative promoters, directors, and solicitors. . , ... , . , , . The placing of a memorial leathern porters chair at each end ot the Burlington Arcade, suggested by the Beadle. And lastly, the memorial blowing-up by dynamite of Colney Hatch, urgently recommended by several imperial members of that estab- lishment. OUR GUIDE TO THE ACADEMY- Or, sometimes, Our Academy Guy'd. No. 141. Instru- ments of Torture {including the Bag- pipes), Annie Ayr- ton. Annie other subject but this! No.149. St. George's Haul. Sir J. Gil- bert, R.A. A design for the German Reeds' Entertain- ment. No.lGl. AW'Cou- hurdeRose." Philit H.Calderon. Fancy design for Covent Garden Flower Mar- ket as it should be. Dedicated to the Duke of Bedford, just to give him " a Philip(Calderon) in the right direction." No. 196. The Earl of Wharncliffe—A Brown Study. E. J. Poynter, R.A. A capital likeness of the noble sportsman thinking when he '11 go to get a good shot at something or other. His pointer was with him at the time and—took his portrait. No. 213. Lion before a Spring. Heywood Hardy. Too near to be pleasant. No. 273. A Tile Off; or. Catching Cold. Randolph Lehmann. So stupid to come out without his hat. No. 279. Tlie Eastern Question No. 279. —" Who Broke The Eastern Question that Jar t" J. B. Burgess, A. No. 294. Near Relations. Marcus Stone, A Father and Father as they come nearer and nearer. No. 161.—Rose-cullers; or, a Plucky Design. No. 213. "Legs Tail-Lionis." Observe the A situation in the oid drama of Married for Love, cleverly and touchingly treated. No. 336. r' Take care! Here's Sir Vernon Hare-caught coming!" C. S. Lldderdale. No. 370. Vanity Fair; or, the Little Game of Bowles. Theobald Chaetrau. Capital portrait of the Editor and Proprietor of V. F. Very characteristic, with one notable excep- tion that T. G. B. is represented with his eyes shut, yet not asleep. He doesn't go through life like this—or stay—yes—herein is the very subtlest touch of the Artist's skill— T. G. B. is "dissembling"! He is not looking up, he is looking "downy." Let us steal away before he catches us. No. 402. "Love me, Love my Bog." Britow Riviere, A ■ No. 370. Vanity Fair. pint of the picture lies in the recent application of it to bis lips. Every thirsty soul will be interested at once— "Homo sum: humani nihil a me alienum pewter." I.e., "I am a man, I am: and there's nothing so humanising as another pot o' beer." The empty pewter pint has been thoroughly finished by Mr. Briton Riviere, who, despite his French surname, is evidently a true Briton. No. 407. Astley's J. E. Millais, R.A. No—not "Sanger's, late Astley's," by WestminsterBridge —but a life - like Sirtrait of "The ate," i.e., Sir John Astley. It was painted in three sittings, and so may be described as "Mate in Three Moves." "Cheque- mate," said the Artist as he put the finishing touch and pocketed the coin. Nos. 431,432,433. Cabin-it Portraits. RobertA. Muller. View of a little Prince and two little Princesses, as seen looking through the port-holes on board the Royal Steam-Yacht. The style and form are a mistake ;—a mistake even tor Nos. 431-2-3.—Ship-Shape; or, Cabin-it Portraits. a Muller. No. 453. Fancy Design for a Pigeon House. Clara Montalba. Observe pigeons and the little pigeon-holes. No. 470. itiss Necklace Neckleby; or, Jaundyce v. Jaundyce. G. A. Story, R.A. A Dickens of a pretty girl. There was evidently some story about her. Is it jaundice or jealousy? No. 472. Our Boys: the Sons of J. C. Parkinson, No. 470. 'ADark'Un.' No. 453. — Pigeons and Pigeonholes. Sons of J. C. Parkinson, Esq. Comley Vivian. A Comely pair, and as like as two P.'s ought to be. No. 484. Sir Frederick Leighton, P.B.A. G.F. Watts, R.A. Here we are again! SONGS OF THE SCIENCES—VI. HERALDRY. Come back, O days of chivalry, and times of old romance, Of blazoned shield and crested helm, and tournament and lance; The Herald's " gentle science " now demands the poet's praise, Neglected sadly, be it said, in these degenerate days. Who recks of Or and Argent now, of Chief, and Fesse, and Bar, The simple Charges which erst shone above the tide of war. Frank Osbaldistone bowed beneath Miss Vernon's mocking speech, Confessing that he knew not aught of heraldry she 'd teach: And many a lady in the land might learn from Mistress Lh, Of all heraldic science tells, and mysteries that lie In Metals, Colours, and in Furs, the pleasant lore of old; And where the Tressured Lion ramps upon the shield of gold. Let metal not on metal stand, except on varied field, Although the golden crosses lie on Godfrey's silver shield: In marshalling vou quarter arms; or should you take a bride, You bear the lady's coat per pale, your own on dexter side: But if that wife an heiress be, her friends will take offence Unless you place her arms on an escutcheon of pretence. Fair shines the shield that's blazoned well, while knightly crest and helm, , . , . Combine to show the bearer's rank and place within the realm; And Royal heraldry will teach, how in old days 'twas said That "Leopards Courant" flashed in gold on England's shield ot red: And how heraldic science still ye well may understand, Throws light upon the history and legends of the land. The FROM "THE gPORTINa AND DRAMATIC KXWS. Messrs. Irving, Booth, McCuixough, and Childs have taken a Moor for the season. 238 [May 2!, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARL BETWEEN THE LINES. {By the Man who knows how to Read There.) At the election of the two new R.A.'s at Burlington House, the other day, there was the usual Bcene, and the proverbial hat, election papers, and Secretary's table were knocked over in the scuffle. The objection was to Mr. Riviere's Frenoh origin. Just as the police were about to be sent for, the President wittily remarked, "A French- man, Gentlemen,—why, he is the best Briton of us all!" In an instant there was hand- shaking all round, and the new It.A. was elected. The Laureate looked over the poems sent in for the Cal- deron Ode to the Spanish Am- bassador ; and, finding not one worthy of the prize, snook his head. "Well, then, perhaps I shall have a chanoe," said the smiling Diplomatist, hand- ing in a copy of his own lines, and earnestly pressing the dis- tinguished judge to stay to dinner. But the Laureate merely scanned the paper, and rejoined " Verse and verse." When this ban-mot was tele- graphed to the young King at Madrid, he instantly replied, "Give the man who made that five pounds, and return me the balance." "Quite Too Too! "—In the present crisis in Art, may a man who does not understand "Esthetic " language be de- scribed as " one who can't put two and two together " P PUNCH'S FANCY PORTRAITS.-No. 32 JS^S.«.\ <^vl THE EARL OF DUFFERIN, P.C., K.T., K.C.B., G.C.M.G. A Man of (man?) Letters from Hioh Latitudes. "Again he urges on his wild career—to Turkey!" PRINCE BISMARCK'S PREVISION. A bet of twenty-five bottles of Champagne is said to have been made so long ago as 1833 with an American by Prince Bismarck, that Germany would become a united country in his time. If Bismarck laid, he has certainly won, a wager which instances his farsight, and attests his foresight, not only of his country's future, but likewise of his own, and that of the other party also; the destiny of both himself and that other to live, the former to win, the latter to lose, the five-and-twenty bot- tles of Champagne. Five-and- twenty, by the way; not two dozen, the ordinary bet of bottles, but two dozen and one. There is said to be "luck in odd numbers." The Great Chancellor is credited with a belief in luck. Does this explain his wager? Take your Physic. The House of Commons, in its dealings with Mr. Brad- laugh, is like a naughty boy who quarrels with his physic. The boy knows he must swal- low his jalap, but fights against it as long as possible. Mr. Bradlaugh represents a prin- ciple, and, however nasty, the House must take him. Note on a New Book.— Toe Evolutionist at Large. All right. The theory of Evo- lution may be wild indeed; but that is no reason why, except by disproof, even an Evolutionist should be shut up. THE STAGE IN MOURNING. Theatrical Managers are the most imitative race of beings under the sun. A foreign Actor, named Salvini, discovered an old play called Othello—a play that is far less coarse in Italian than in English. He had a magnificent voice—like a church organ, and represented the title character (usually called a role) like an inspired butcher. He became the rage. A brother foreigner, named Rossi, followed, and became a failure. Mr. Irving followed, and was not a success. Mr. Booth arrived from America, and hardly succeeded. Again Mr. Irving tried Othello, this time with Mr. Booth, each Actor alternating the parts of Othello and Iago. Mr. McCullough, just arrived from America, must black his face at Drury Lane, and an amateur, who evidently thinks the part mere Child's play, must take a theatre to do the same thing at matineis. Three OtheUos in London in one week, and probably more to follow! Who shall say that this is an age which despises antiquity? Heads and Tails. (A Query for Mr. Darwin.) [A Medical Gentleman at Manchester expresses his absolute conviction— based on the testimony of hatters, who find increasing demand for hats of a smaller size,—that the adult human head is in course of diminution.] Make answer, 0 Science, for courage quite quails At a prospect which fills us with tremors and dreads: If Apes became Men by slow loss of their tails, What will Men become by slow loss of their heads? THE MODERN TORTURE OF THE BOOT. Mr. Bushby, in sentencing a ruffian for the too free use of that popular institution the British Boot, remarked that there was an amount of savagery about the act of kicking which he always visited with the utmost penalty provided by law. Quite right, Mr. Bushbt, and if the law provided a much severer penalty for this particular offence, honest men would rejoice the more, and helpless women might suffer less. Ex pede Herculem may now be freely translated, "The Brute is known by his Boot,"—or his use of it; and if the Eapers continue to be as full of cases of cowardly kicking as they ave been of late, public opinion will demand that the hulking Hercules of the slum shall have bis hide—the only sensitive part or him—as urgently appealed to as though he had had an nour's experience of the effeots of Nessus's shirt. Where the Brad-Laugh Comes In! Brown. How uncommonly well the Tories have treated Brad- laugh! Jones. Eh? what?—treated him well? They don't allow him to go into the House! Brown. Exactly so. They spare him all the boredom of debates, but they let him into the lobby, and the smoking-room, and the dining-room, where all the fun is. Hang me, if they haven't treated him too well. AKIN TO COCKTAIL. A Certain Wine is advertised under the name of Ruster. This is a Hungarian Wine. It is oommended as especially valuable in "sleeplessness." American Cousins might call it" Rooster." Mat 21, 1881.] 239 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A WET BLANKET." The Young Ladies (about Ike neio Curate). "Isn't he Good-lookino? Such ax amiable expression, and such A nice Voice! Hope Pa 'll ask him to stay to Dinner. &c, &c." Aunt Pen, (who had bided her time). "Yes, my Deaks, and I hear from his friend the Doctor that he's engaged to a Girl in the North, and mustn't flay at Lawn-Tennis!!" [Confusion. NOTES FROM THE DIARY OF A CITY WAITER. There's one thing as I misses more than I thought I should, and that's my Old Bailey Dinners. They has been done away about two years, to my great regret. We always used to dine the Judges, and the Sheriffs, and the Lawyers, and a lot of people once a month at the Old Bailey, and one of the Aldermen used to take the Chair, and the Newgate Calender Ordinary used to be the Vice, and I 've heard some of the best jokes and bits of real fun at these dinners as I ever heard anywheres. The only thing they never had, in my time, *vas Champain, and that arose, Bbown told me, from the popping of the corks having been sometimes heerd in Court. Many a time have I heerd one of the Judges a telling a jolly good story, or a chaffin one of the counsil, I think they calls 'em, about his speech, and everybody laughin away like fun, when just in the midst of it, in would come the Husher, and say in sollen tones, "Please, your Lordship, the Jury's ready!" Oh, to see the sudden change in his Lordship as he put on his Judge's robe and his Judge's face, it was as good as a play, and a good deal better than many on 'em. It was somethink like acting that was. I used to think as they used to pass their sentences a little quicker if they hadn't quite hnisht dinner, but I dessay I were wrong. All I do know is they was all very serious for about ten minutes after the Judge came back, but it soon wore off and they were all as merry as before. There seems precious few things as we can't get used to, but I should ha' thought that giving a poor fellow seven years, best ..„ Dinner! It the world was a just world it would pay more respeck to two of the most useful klarses of the whole kummunitty—Cooks as cooks our dinners, and Waiters as serves 'em. (Signed) Robebt. A TURN OUT AT TIRNOVA. (Leaf from H. S. H. Prince Alexander's Diary.) 1879.—Tried Crown on for first time to-day. Fits capitally with a piece of blotting-paper at the back. New Constitution arrived in evening from Printer. Read it through. Capital. Nothing left out. Prerogative, Upper and Lower House, trial by jury,—every- thing there. My Coronation Oath, quite too lovely! Took it freely. Had my first two years' salary in advance. Enthusiasm indescribable! Feel quite the popular Prince." Evidently I 'm in for a good thing. 1881.—Can't stand this any longer. Won't. Had to open Par- liament myself with the back-door key. Not a Minister to be seen. Cabinet busy appearing in a Negro entertainment at Casino Gar- dens. Everything at a dead-lock. Went down to Treasury with a carpet-bag, but found Lord Chancellor had already got hold of that. Feel this kind of thing ought not to go on. Happy thought—coup d'etat.' Have appeared at Palace window, and proclaimed myself Dictator! Nobody cares. However, here goes to put the Consti- tution on the kitchen fire! And to-morrow we'll just have a look in at the National Bank. To bed quite lively. Marvels of Science. A Contemforakt reports that at the annual reception given recently by the President and Council of the Royal Society, amongst a variety of scientific instruments, objects and apparatus:— "Some relics of Sir William Herschel's work were exhibited, ono of the points of interest in connection with them being that no one could say why they were made or what they were for." Omne ignotum pro magnifico. That was one of the points of interest. But what were the others? 240 [May 21, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE CAP-AND-BELL BALLADS-No. 1. A Plain Man. He was a Briton, therefore brave and bold, ('Tis the first law in Patriotism's code), His firm-cut chin displayed a triple fold, His name, in full, was'UaHTHRBD Bantam Blode; His port was calmly proud, his standing stable As that of Atlas in the classic fable. For classic fable, I should here remark, He had a solid and supreme disdain, He wholly scorned the nonsense vague and dark Of what is known as the " poetic strain." "While as for bards, and their pernicious bunkum, In the Red Sea—like ghosts—he would have sunk 'em. Indeed, the ruling idiosyncrasy Of U. B. Blode was judgment stern and summary For trivial things like Taste, or Poetry, Art, Sentiment, and all such foolish flummery, His only greeting was a Jovian frown, His simple ultimatum—" Put 'em down!" You see he had put down so many things, His wife's desires, his children's wants and whims, All that the heart or fancy warms or wings, Higher than week-day sums and Sunday hymns That he began to deem his crowning duty "Was putting down what idiots called " Beauty." He oast about for the most ready mode Of furthering this philanthropic plan— "Let's see!—I have it! "i es!" cried U. B. Blode, "That drivelling, Lordly-Palace-building man In Mister Tennyson's limp lyric twaddle I '11 quite surpass, but on a different model. "' Palace of Art!' Preposterous! I'll rear A Plain Man's Palace, nome of Common Sense, It shall hold nothing picturesque or queer, The fudge called prettiness' on no pretence Shall be admitted there, from tile to knocker— It shall conform to the stern rules of Cocker." He hired an Architect. The man was poor: He shuddered at the scheme, but sighed, I '11 try. I 've planned suburban villa blocks; what more By way of training to the hand and eye In solid tastelessness could well be looked for? Lead on! I '11 buckle to the task I 'm booked for." ***** Four-square it rose upon a spacious flat Of what had been suburban market-ground, Smooth and symmetric as the British hat, Euclid in brick and stucco. Schoolboys found, As they in passing haply paused to con it, That they could work out all his problems on it. Big as a barracks,—U. B. Blode was rich, Cold as an iceberg,—IT. B. Blode was British, Smooth as a bald head, dull as a Dutch ditch, Blode with triumphant joy grew almost skittish; "^ But soon as the bare carcase was erected, Blode met with obstacles he 'd not expected. Beauty looked in one morning. Blode with rage Grew pickled-cabbage colour. Beauty smiled. Said she, "Since utter war with me you wage, I must accept the challenge. Don t look riled, Nor beck your Man in Blue, with thick-shod feet, He '11 own that Beauty is not on his beat." Poor Blode! As well have set all Scotland Yard To apprehend a ghost as run her in. His vigilance was vain, and he tried hard To dodge, evade, exclude her, or to win That bald Batavian barren bit of waste Entirely from the sway of her and Taste. The house grew hideous enough to please A City Architect, or Dragon builder; Its furnishings a white bear's soul might freeze, He drove his paperhanger and his gilder Mad with demands for things which nothing owed IIIIIII 81111111 L_ To Beauty, e'en from Tottenham Court Road. And Beauty foiled him; hero her finger laid Upon a cornice, there upon a fender, Lending to fabrics of Philistine trade Chance touches of the graceful, comely, tender. And Blode discovered, with dismay and dolour, Beauty was there,—lurking in Form and Colour. Things would look pretty somehow, here and there; The picturesque itself cropped up in places. And then his wife,—she had soft auburn hair, His very children some stray childish graces: Grass grew, trees budded, and, with no apology, Beauty stepped in,—disguised as Meteorology. Blode, baffled, beaten, took the blow to heart, And pined away, and perished prematurely, Resigned with such a foolish world to part Where Ugliness can never reign securely. "Did I live longer," sighed the luckless elf, ""Who knows?—I might grow Beautiful self.'" my- ART UTILITARIAN EXAMINATION-PAPER. [For Royal Academy Students of the Future.) "Wall-Painting, &c. 1. "Write a short essay upon the best way of advertising by Slacards in four colours,—(a) a new soup; (o) a personally con- ucted trip round the world; and (c) a patent fat producer. 2. Give a rough design for the paper of—(a) a bar-parlour; (J) a scullery; and (c) a cabman's shelter. 3. Scheme an appropriate Bhop facia for a local country branch of a large Metropolitan Co-operative Stores. 4. How would you convert a stucco-faced suburban villa into a Queen Anne's mansion? "Would you paint the front-door pea-green? Give reasons for your answer. 5. Given a hoarding one hundred yards by ten. You have to introduce double-crown posters extolling the success of—(a) a new naval melodrama; (6) a patent umbrella; (c) an ./Esthetic oorkscrew; and id) some transparent soap. How would you set to work to satisfy the Public, the Advertisers, and the Art-Critics? 6. Given an acre of clay and a pound of grass-seed. "What would you require further to construct grounds of a park-like character? 7. How would you introduce a lawn-tennis net into a forest with- out disregarding the rules of landscape gardening? 8. Invent an Esthetic bonnet, and harmonise a peacock's feather with a billycock hat. Sculpture. 9. Model a cow suitable for a dairyman's window. 10. Point out objections to the Griffin at Temple Bar and the Angel of Victory at "Waterloo Place. Could either De made suitable for reception at the Chamber of Horrors at Madame Tussaud's? 11. Invent designs for the trademarks of—(a) a spectacle-maker; (5) a sewing-machine manufacturer; and (c) an advertising dentist. 12. "What principles should guide you in constructing (a) a jelly- mould and (J) a pat-of-butter stamp r 13. Sketch, a fancy Bath bun suitable for a side dish at a wedding breakfast. 14. "Write a memoir of Dyk "Wyn Kyn of T.R.D.L. as an intro- duction to a short essay upon pantomimic " big heads." 15. Model the statue of a typical Alderman who has been knighted for opening some water-works. Architecture. 16. Given a town hall (Early Norman), a row of houses (Stucco Italian), and a red brick Methodist chapel (nothing in particular), what sort of a village pump should be placed in the centre to har- monise with the surrounding buildings? 17. How would you treat the south front of the Railway Station at Charing Cross in a manner that would satisfy Professor Ruskin and the shareholders P 18. If St. Paul's were burnt down, how would you rebuild it? 19. Upon the lines of Inigo Jones design a four-wheeled cab. 20. and lastly. Improve Covent Garden Market—if possible off the face of the earth! literary announcement. A Lady, who has devoted a large portion of her life to shopping excursions in London, is about to publish her experiences under the appropriate title, Babylon's Bye-ways and Buy-ways. tS~ To Co*IB»»OFDiBTi.—Tlu SUitor dim not hold hi-mtif bound to achnowUdft, return, orpavfor Contribvtiont. In no eau can thtu bi nturmi untat aetompaniei *| • Uampsd and dirictat tnttlapt. Copiti ikm-Ubt ktiA. May 28, 1881.] 241 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. NW *» «*r Au Cafe de la Tats. No. 911. PARIS: SALON AND THEATRES. "Pariqi! O cara,"—0 dear Paris! Yes, not dearer than London, and what matter when we had determined to give Burlington House Academy a rest and to let the gay Parisians flash on us for few brief moments like bright ap-Parisians in their own Elysian Fields P Two francs in the morning to see the Salon. This keeps it select, cool, and comfortable up to midday, when in comes the crowd which gives a franc opinion. The Authorised Salon Cata- logue, illustrated, is most inter- esting as a memorial of the visit. Why does not our Academy do likewise? Is it because there is a difficulty of selection? If so, how is this overcome by the Committee of the Paris Salon? Mr. Henry Blackburn's Aca- demy Notes supplies a want; but an authorised edition, care- fully got up, and on sale at the opening of the Aca- demy, might be a valuable work of Art in itBelf. Let us take the first morning at the Salon:— No. 911. FotJBEM. La Source. "Not'Sauce,'" said'ARRT; "it's chic." Any visitor referring to the original will see that we have added a little dress- ing of our own to this Source. No. 1123. Heill. Uh Suicide par Amour. A young lady who has evidently "thrown herself away." The dress is rather short, and she is only waiting for a train to finish it. But why not "Entrainee" f That would have been the simpler title. No. 1126. HBNXER. Saint Gerome. It seems to have been suggested by Gounob's "Funeral March of a Ma- rionette" — this being the Marionette at its very last kiok. This exactly describes Mr. Henner's view of what Saint Jerome ought to have been, only in a Henner-vatea condition. Whether the Artist is quite right, "according to Cocker," as the saying is, we don't know; but of course it is correct according to Hettner. Woa, Henner! Advice to those who will pro- bably be in Paris for the Grand Prix:—Don't fail to see Let Pouptet de L'Enfante at the Folies Dramatiques. It will, of course, be done in London, but it never can be played and sung so perfectly as it is here. Mile. Simon-Girarb as Mariana^ and Mile. Franbtn as her lover, Manoel, are the most fascinating pair we 've seen for some time. Let Pouptes is void of all offence, and is far better in every way,—this important particular included,—than La Mascotte at the Bouffes. We will now pay our second visit to the Salon :— No. 1212. Jazet. Le Boute-telle. "Shall I give you a or, The Merciful Man is merciful to his Beast, may be elevated by a couple of hands. No. 1126. lift?" It shows how a horse No. 1212 No. 1396. Lehoux (P ■A.-P.) It is called Mart, but the Acrobatic Professor and his trained troupe of performing birds and animals. He carries a property-head for some particular Circus business, in a trick to be called "Two Heads better than One." No. 1517. Manet. Portrait de M. Pertuiset, le Chatteur de Lions. It'» a wonderful picture this. The artful lion lying behind the tree in a dog-sleep is just going to show M. Pertuiset what it is to be a Chasseur de Lion. An immor- tal work—e'est a dire " Liter-a 'picta' Manet." But we wouldn't recom- mend such a lion as M. Manet to put himself within range of Le Chasseur's gun. No. 1823. Perret (A.) Ex. Le Semeur; i. e., The Sower. We have seldom seen a so-so-er picture, but as this is a Sower subject with the Artist, we will only say that if we had had to describe the picture without any guide-book, we should have said it represented "a man practising roundhand bowling in an open field, while his wife in the distance urges forward the wild career of a perambu- lator." The title in English would have been "Tom Bowling." (N.B. Not "Tom Bowles," of Vanity Fair, whose portrait is in our Academy.) Those whom Providence has blessed with affluence, we strongly recommend No. 182S, to take seats at the Francais for Le Monde ou Von s'ennuie. The Comedy is mainly a satire on a olique-ish Mutual-Admiration Section of Society formed of pseulo-philosopherg, men and women of "culture," neglected poets, gushing journalists, interested toadies and the uninteresting but influential toadied, of which the very counterpart probably exists in every great capital. We certainly have it here, both with the Pseudo-^Estnetics and Pseudo- Scientists; the former, on account of their high-art absurdities in manner and costume, being more en Svidence among ourselves just now than the other idiots, who of the two are perhaps the most mis- chievous. The tendency of the Pseudo-Esthetes, chez nous, is towards the cultivation of a sickly sentimental paganism; while that of the Pseudo-Scientists is towards a stupid, contemptuous, self-satisfied materialism. It is difficult to satirise the latter on the stage; they are easier dealt with in a book. Of plot Le Monde ou Ton s'ennuie has very little. The original cast, with Cooteltn in it—he iB away now—was perfect, with the exception that M. Delaunay has more the air of a "got-up"old beau than of a veritable jeune premier. Yet, for how many vears has he not been accepted as our "first young man" at the Francais? And, after all, who is there among the youngsters can make love with tears in his voice like the ever- green Delaunay? Mile. Sasiari is admirable as the inaSnue, and Mme. M. Brohan's impersonation of the tpirituelle old Legitimist Duchess, is the very perfection of refined dramatic art. The stage management of the Second Act might be improved. The Francais Company are not all in one line, each having a line of his own—and when they are so arranged the effect is decidedly bad. Daubray and Celine Chaumont have been playing Dirorcons at the Palais Royal for the last four months: but to those who have not yet seen it, we strongly recommend the first two Acts. The third is plotless, spun out, and unnecessarily broad. The two Acts are simply a development, with a modern application, of the old pieoe known here as Delicate Ground, a great favourite with amateurs. But oh, those horridly uncomfortable Parisian Theatres! If there were a fire, the scene would be something fearful. Already the Authorities are beginning to consider whether they can't improve them a little. But material improvement is absolutely impossible without entire reconstruction. In the most recently-built theatre, I.a Com6die Parisienne, all the old stereotyped inconveniences have been repeated. Even the seats at the Francais offer no exception to tho rule of discomfort; and everywhere the nuisance of the attend- ants rushing at you for your coat and hat, and with a "petit banc pour Madame?' is intolerable. When will they inaugurate the system of " No Fees," and give regular "bills of the play," with full cast of characters, as we do neTe, instead of allowing the visitor to chance the purchase of an Entr'acte, an Orchestre, or a Paris Spectacles t On the stage at the leading theatres they have the advantage in most oases (scenery excepted) over us; but in the front of the house they are miles behind every one of our West End Theatres, except, perhaps, tho Strand. A Fresh Phrase.—Gentle Sir Stafforb darkly denounces t'u- present Government as " a Soda-and-Brandy Administration." D picture rather suggests the triumphant entry into the village of an he hope that it may result in what topers call a "split" and a "go"? VOL. LXXX. i42 [Mat 28, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE PROFESSION OF BEAUTY. Business-like Mamma (to fashionable West-End Hosier). "Now, what would be your charge fob exhibiting a couple of my daughter's photographs, with her Name in full, in your Window for a couple of Months or so?" MORE IMPRESSIONS. By Oscu.ro Wildegoose. La Futte des Oees. To outer senses they are geese, Dull drowsing by a weedy pool; But try the impression trick. Cool! Cool! Snow-slumbering sentinels of Peace! Deep silence on the shadowy flood Save rare sharp stridence {that means "quack"), Low amber light in Ariel track Athwart the dun (that means the mud). And suddenly subsides the sun, Bulks mystic, ghostly, thrid the gloom (That means the white geese waddling home). And darkness reigns! (See how it's done f) Slow but Sewer. The City Authorities are at last stirring in the matter of Billingsgate Market. The ditch called Lowest Thames Street is in such a condition that the Highways Com- mittee have refused to recognise it any longer as a respectable thoroughfare, and have handed it over to the Court of Sewers. The Court of Sewers have accepted the trust. This is not much, but it shows that the position is beginning to be recognised. Apropos. No more appropriate time could have been chosen for bringing out Mr. Sidney's Book of the Horse than just before the Derby. He appears to have got a very good book on the horse. But which horse the public must dis- cover for itself. Messrs. Cassell, Petter, and Gaxpln, the eminent bookmakers—no, we mean publishers—are to be congratulated. We hope the book, like the horse, will go at a Gal'pin pace. "Juana "—Wills's Court Mixture—" Don't put that in your pipe and smoke it," says Mr. Wilson-Barrett. "I triett it, and it doesn't draw." THE BEY INTERVIEWED. Knowing, fortunately, the Major Domo of the Palace, who had been garcon-en-chef at a restaurant I used to patronise in the neigh- bourhood of Leicester Square until I was compelled to leave there on account of their insisting but no matter—the doors of the Palace were open to me. The Bey was seated on a divan—you know what a divan is, of course—nothing like a luggage-van, but a sort of well, if you know you know, and if you don't, explanation would take too long—so there he was, seated on his divan, smoking and sipping the fragrant Mocha from Mecca—(it's pronounced; here "Mucca," and when Mahometans perform a pilgrimage to the shrine it's called "going a Mucca'0—as sulky and despondent as he oould be. "0 Bey!" I began, saluting him orientally with what is called here a noddi. "0 Bey!" "Shan't!'' he muttered, sulkily. "I didn't mean o-bey," I explained, courteously. "Thought you did," he growled. So I began again. "0 Bey "but he interrupted me with a twinkle in his eye as he said,— "Get out wid you, you thief of the World. I 'm not an Irishman." I was astonished at his familiarity with the mellifluous language of Old Erin. He too was a little taken aback by my familiarity, but we soon got over that when I had seized his idea of humour, and had addressed him with— "Bedad theH, Misther O'Bey," which tickled him immensely. I then told him that being here for a quiet but serious chat—my influence he knows would help him in certain quarters—we would have no " chaff" however " wheaty " it might be (he roared at this, and booked it—free of charge), and I would at once come to business. First, then, I inquired in diplomatic Latin, "Quomodo sit vestra 'Mater'f' He is a first-rate Latin scholar; and so am I, as you see. "' Mater' is a nuisanoe," he replied, in rather free and easy Egyptian, which I translate for your benefit, "and might as well be a ittafer-in-law.'' "Pas de blague," said I, in the free-est and easiest French. He started up. "By the Piper that played before Mahomet," he exclaimed—and this is an awful oath—" don't use that tongue here, or" At this moment General Breard—"Bray-'ard" I called him, which gave the Bey fits—with his staff, a thousand strong, was announced. "You needn't go," he said. "Conceal yourself behind the arras." I am not fond of playing Polonius, but to oblige the O'Bey I did it. As I secreted myself, a sudden thought struck me. It was irre- pressible, and I was obliged to whisper it into His Highness's ear. "Bey, I said, "0 what a Dey we 're having!" "Hush!" he returned, nearly choking in his endeavour to stifle a roar of laughter. "I never saw such a fellow as you." "Yes," I said, "I 'm All-jeers in Tunis." I couldn't refrain from pointing this yet* de mot by a dig intended for his ribs, but, taking a bod anatomical shot, I caught him in what they call here his "Bey-window," and doubled him up. As the step of the Frenchman was heard on the landing, the Bey, recovering himself slightly, sighed aloud, "Ah! he expects to return to France crowned with laurels." "Cheer up, gros Bey-bey," I whispered, as I disappeared behind the drapery. You won't be deposed: and he can't get his laurels without the Bey leaves." Never saw a man chuckle so in all my life! He was in fits; but suddenly recalled to a sense of the situation by the clank of the French General's spurs and sabre, he had the presence of mind to turn two somersaults and come down on the divan, right end upper- most, in a really dignified attitude. What I heard from behind the arras—an emb-arrasing position— I cannot tell—at least, not on the usual terms. Yours truly, Qm AaRAg< PROVERBIAL ECONOMY. The increasing sucoess of the scheme for receiving savings-bank deposits in postage stamps, attests the sapience of the once if not still popular Baying, "Penny-wise and pound-foolish." Another good old saw gone wrong. Mat 28, 1881.] 243 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAPJVAKI. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. "SINK OR SWra."-CHAPij»'s Text. House of Lords, Monday Night, May 16.—The Earl of Galloway cannot make out what is the matter with noble Lords. The question which the gallant Earl has brought before the House relates to pro- posed alterations in the titles of Regiments of the Line and Militia. Lord Galloway has turned his mind largely upon the subject. He has waded through Blue Books, and made voluminous extracts therefrom. These he has brought down to the House, and has been reading for the space of an hour. He is not a very good reader, and. apart from its intrinsic importance, the subject is a little dry. _ The House is not quite so full as Lord Galloway had pictured to himself when, in the recesses of Galloway House, Garhestown, he commenced the composition of this remarkable work. So far from being crowded, the benches are (not to put too fine a point upon it) almost entirely tenantless. On the front benoh site Earl Gban- vtlle, looking as if a bad attack of the gout had suddenly returned. On the bench below the orator site his distinguished relative, the Marquis of Salisbury, who from time to time tosses about on the seat as if there was scarce an inch of it free from protuberant pins. On the cross-benches frets the illustrious warrior-Duke, who, as Commander-in-Chief of the Forces, has something to say on the subject. H.R.H. fingers his notes angrily, and from time to time turns upon the eloquent Earl of Galloway with a right royal stare, calculated to make any other than the Colonel of the Royal Ayr and Wigtown Militia sink into his boots. 214 [May 28, 1881, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. These things I note quite plainly from the Bar. But the Noble Earl observes them not, or misunderstands their purport. H.R.H.'s occasional stare he accepts as a sign of reawakened interest. Earl Granville's restless movement is due to a conscience touched by that last "point." His noble relative below him, he perceives quite clearly, can hardly contain himself for joy at this terrible wigging of a reckless reforming Government. The Earl looks regretfully at his notes. He has now only been an hour and a half, and much fears that there is A Busy Time in the Upper House. not more material than will carry him over another three-quarters of an hour. Then Earl Granville rises and blandly suggests that ho is reading his speech. H.R.H. looks at his watch, and finds he has just time to rush off and dress for dinner. Other Members have gone before, and when Lord Galloway at the end of two hours Bits down triumphant, he finds he has argued all but five Peers clean out of the building. Business dons in Commons.—Resumed Debate on Second Reading of Irish Land Bill. House of Commons, Tuesday Night.—Mr. Balfour, who hath as pretty a wit as his uncle and is less explosive in its flashing forth, professed to be much affected to-night by the divergence between those two eminent men, Mr. Dilwyn and Mr. Rylands. Reminded him, he said,' of the parting between Fox and Burke. It was truly touching, and should have drawn a larger circle of spectators. Peter's judicial air, his desire not to wound the susceptibilities of his hon. friend below him, and his patronage of the Government were, as they say, quite too too. Not a bad joke that of Mr. Balfour. Peter, in the ecstasy of his enjoyment of his own banter bent low over the head of Mr. Dilwyn who sat on the bench beneath, and discussed what he called "his psychological development." "Rather thought," said Mr. Balfour, "he was making examination of his phrenological development." Quite cheering to hear Mr. Bekesford Hope explode with laughter. Mr. Balfour missed another rupture between friendly powers even more striking than the break between Peter and Mr. Dilwyn. To-night an alliance of long standing has been broken by what looks like an act of perfidy. Ran- dolph had a Motion on the paper which might come on at some late hour. Randolph has a fine Bense of a due division of duty on Tuesday nights. Goes off to dine, and saunters through the gilded saloons till midnight; then returns, expecting House to be sitting, and opportunity given him for a few remarks. Duty of Government to see House kept on Tuesday. Gladstone should be in his place, or Bright, or, at least, Harcourt, or perhaps Hartinoton. Firmly believing that after what he had said about laBt Tuesday the offence would not be repeated, Randolph went off to spend the evening. Mr. Biooar, observing the absence of his ally, determined to count out the House. Pretty to see Joey B. gliding in and out, standing at the Bar counting Members. Looked in at half-past seven. No chance. At eight; more promising. Mr. Fay tried to forestall him; moved a Count, and defeated. Joey B. (deVlish sly) waits till Speaker goes out and House empties. Moment Speaker takes the Chair, before Members are back, J. B. moves Count. Only twenty-five can get back in time. House up. Joseph Gillis, walking with long strides across Palace Yard, softly smiling to himself as he thinks of what Randolph will say when he comes down and finds the House up, was a sight worth living for. Business done.—None. Wednesday Aftsmoun.— Most deliriously exciting afternoon. Scotch Educa- tion Bill. Dr. Cameron moved Second Reading in a speech only an hour and a half long. Full of sparkle and subtle humour set off with natural eloquence and appropriate gesture. Then Sir Edward Colebrook poured forth a flood of soul-stirring speech. Sir Stafford Northcote was in his place whilst Sir Edward's melodious voice filled the Chamber. He feigned sleep, but his lips moved, and these near him might have heard him mutter, "Wednesday Afternoon—the Scotch have their fling. "Now more than ever seems it rich to die, To cease upon the midnight with no pain, Whilst thou art pouring forth thy soul abroad Id such an ecstasy!" After Sir Edward there^were others, alllScotch and all eloquent. The debate lasted up to a fuarter to six, drinking it all in, losing not a word. But I feel I have been too bold. All very well once in a way, whilst Youth is at the prow and Sir Edward Cole- brook at the helm. But I must moderate my appetite. I must dissemble —more especi- ally when there is a Scotch de- bate on. Business done. —Free Educa- tion (Scotland) Bill discussed and withdrawn. Thursday.—Debate on Second Reading Irish Land Bill finished at last. Mr. Chaplin up to-night, and up for nearly two hours. Beautiful speech. Full of the loveliest, longest, and most alliterative assortment of adjectives. Then Mr. Stansfeld, not nearly so loud, but equally well satisfied with himself. Sly man, Mr. Stansfeld. Wants to get women into Parliament, and by way of making the House used to the notion, wears his hair long, parts it down the middle, and makes long speeohes in a mincing manner understood by the bachelors of the House to be peculiar to women when arguing. Best speech of the Debate made by Lord Richard Ghosvknor after the Division on Lord Elcho's Amendment. "Ayes to the right of them, 352; Noes to the left of them, 176." This means that the Second Reading is passed, by a majority of two to one. Friday Night.—The two new Members for Knares- borough, Mr. Tom Collins and his Umbrella, arrived to-night. One took its stand in the Cloak Room, the other came to take his Seat in the House. Sir "Wilfrid Lawson lying in ambush be- low the Gallery. Tom Col- lins brought up by two highly respectable Members, whose white hair and beards gave the proceedings quite a cathedral air. At the cry of "Broke away!" Sir WrL- fuitj on his feet waving a scroll of paper generaUy un- derstood to be a copy of the Shorter Catechism, which he designed to put to Mr. Col- lins. Tom steadily pressed on to the Table, disregard- ing Sir "Wilfrid. Opposi- tion roaring; Sir Erskine May standing at the Table holding out the Oath as one might hold out a plank to a drowning man. Tom clutched it with great fervour, and be- fore the recitation was quite through, bestowed a resounding kiss upon the paste- board, signed the Roll, and grinning with delight, shook hands all down the long row of Ministers till he reached the Speaker, on whom he bestowed a friendly smile. After this took his seat below the Gangway, where he listened critically to Sir "Wilfrid's speech. Business done.—"Count" Collins took his seat. Irish Members denounced Mr. Fohstek for the space of five hours. Tho Deputy-Sergcaut retires to enjoy a Forrester's F4te. Mat 28, 1881.] 245 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. DUKES AND DIRT. Muck begets muck, and carters and market-gardeners accustomed for years to the filth and overcrowding of Mud-Salad Market, can hardly be blamed if their natures are subdued to what they work in. If they bring the food of London to market in the same carts in which they carry manure back to the country; if they play- fully upset this manure down the areas of the Duke of Mudford's unfortunate tenants; if they injure the far too costly vegetables with encrusted filth, and do all they can to poison the blood of buyers and sellers, they are only acting according to their lights; they have never been taught anything better. Parochial fussiness and sanitary activity are paralysed in the presence of a great Duke, and the blotches of mud upon his escutcheon are regarded as marks of honour. Our friend and fellow-worker, the Lancet, wonders that any people out of Bedlam can be responsible for the scheme of bringing a new Hospital within this centre of noise and muck; and we also wonder that a space having been once cleared is not dedicated, at any cost, to an extension of the Market. The Parisians nave a place which is a credit to their city, and which they call the "Market of the Innocents." Our Mud-Salad ducal slice of London is not one-sixth the size of theirs, though our Innocents are more than three times as numerous. Our Innocents in this case—we might almost call them Idiots —are the population of London. HAMLET ON VACCINATION. To vaccinate or not, that is the question, Whether 'tis better for a man to suffer The painful pangs and lasting marks of smallpox, Or to bare arms before the surgeon's lancet, And, by being vaccinated, end them. Yes, To feel the tiny point, and say we end The chance of many a thousand awful scars That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wished. Ah! soft you now, The Vaccinator! Sir, upon thy rounds Be my poor arms remembered! .ESTHETIC KOTES. The most JEsthetic line in Shakspeare is, "Oh, that this Too Too,—solid flesh," &o. What great Singer is "quite Too Too?"—Evidently, Faure. FAUTE DE MIEUX." Customer. "Gie ma the Huntly Express." Johnny A'things. "They're a' deen." Customer. "Od ! that 's a pbety! But aw 'll tak' the JPsoplb's Journal.' Jthnny. "They 're a' deen tee!" Customer. "Well, then, gib's a Pennyworth o' Conversation Sweeties!' THE WATERLOO WAGS AGAIN. There is a proposition before Parliament to establish a new line, to be called the Guildford, Kingston, and London Railway. It must not, indeed, be supposed that Q0SK1NQ OFT. either Guildford or Kingston has hitherto been without steam communication with the Me- tropolis. On the contrary, the London and South Western Company has, after its dear old doddering fashion, looked after the interests of these towns, and has, as usual, succeeded in disgusting the great majority of its passengers by its creepy- crawly trains and its rabbit- hutch Stations. The very idea of the new route has, however, actually warmed our friends, the Wags of Waterloo, into something like energy. Mr. Archibald Soott, has in all earnestness promised that "the line shall be widened," and has caused the High-Level station at Kingston "to be altered." Hooray! Rome wasn't built in a day. But when Alderman Gould, Mayor of Kingston, describes the carriages provided by the Wags as "filthy." and "the traffic interruptions, especially on race days, as serious;" when Lord Lovelace, Lord-Lieutenant of Surrey, says that there " is a great desire for improved railway accommoda- tion ; " and when Lord Onslow, one of the largest landowners in the county, describes the Guildford shed as "one of the worst stations in England," it may reasonably be supposed that the merry Directors of the L. and S. W. R. have not engaged all sympathies for the screaming farce which they have played for so many years. It seems indeed that an indiscriminating and. ungrateful public prefers new management, if the fact be token into account that out of ten thousand inhabitants of Surbiton, only one hundred and seventy signed a petition in favour of the Wags. When the Hungerford and Southampton scheme is carried out as well as the Kingston Line, then perhaps the Great Autocrat Monopoly will put his house in order and look after his customers. It is won- derful what a wholesome tonic is provided for his sluggish system in the unrivalled Competition Bitters. THE MODERN MAY QUEEN. (The result of Hie First Fortnight.) Don't wake and call me early, pray don't call me, Mother dear, To-morrow may be the coldest day of all this cold New Year; Of all this wintry year, Mother, the wildest, stormiest day, And we have had fires in May, Mother, we have had fires in May. 1 sleep so sound at night, Mother, that I don't want to wake, With the horrid thermometer standing at what seems a sad mistake; But none so wise as those who read the weather forecasts, they say; Shall we have more fires in May, Mother? must we have more fires in May? A storm is coming across, Mother, the New York Herald has said, And, if you please, 1 'd rather lie as long as I like in bed; So bother the knots and garlands. Mother, and all the foolish play, If we 're to have fires in May, Mother, why—we must have nres in May. Latest BettdiO.- freely taken. -Odds on Vaccination. Jennerally offered, and 246 [May 28, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A CONSCIOUS MARTYR. "Why are you 80 cross, Angela ?"—"Oh! because I hate selfishness, Aunt! and they 'rk all of them so selfish/" "What have they done?"—" Why, they all want to oo on the River, just when / want to play Lawn-Tennis I" "Well, you needn't oo with them !"—"Of course I needn't; but how am I to play Lawn-Tennis all by mtselpI" SCHOOL-BOAED PAPEKS.—No. 5. In the City—before Alderman Bouncer. Usher. Call John Jones. [He comes forward. Alderman. I see, John Jones, you are summoned for not sending your boy Thomas to school. "What 'ave you got to say? John Jones. I have to say, Sir, that I don't send him to school because I prefer to teach him myself at home. Alderman. And so you set yourself above the lor? School-Board Officer. Your Worship, the Act says the boy shall attend an efficient school. Alderman. And he goes to no school at all? John Jones. No, Sir, and I will tell you the reason why. Alderman. Reason! There can't be any reason in the case. You set yourself above the lor. You think yourself wiser than Queen, Lords, and Commons all of an 'eap. An' I am sorry to say there are, now-a-days, a good many folks of your way o' thinkin'. But they 'ave got to learn, and you 'ave got to learn, that the lor must be obeyed. John Jones. I am perfectly aware of that, Sir, I wish only to explain Alderman. Explain! What 'ave you got to explain? The lor says your boy must go to school, and you don't and won't send 'im. School-Board Officer. I have had a great deal of trouble about this case, Sir. Alderman. No doubt; no doubt; but 1 am quite willing; to 'ear what the gent 'as got to say. I am 'ere, am 1 not, to administer justice between man and man, and between man and woman too, and even between woman and woman, which is the 'ardest work of all. John Jones. All 1 have to say, Sir, is that instead of sending my boy to a Board School, I prefer teaching him at home. He is, as you may see, a delicate boy, and not a very clever boy, and I know from my own experience, for 1 have been a teacher myself, that such boys at a public school are apt to be neglected by the masters, and bullied by the other boys. When he is a year or two older, he may be better able to rough it. But at present, with all deference to you, Sir, I think he is much better athome. School-Board Officer. He has passed no standard at all, Sir. John Jones. How could he, when he has never been tried? I wish you yourself, Sir, would put some questions to him; not too hard, for he is only seven. Alderman. Very well, let the boy stand forward. [Boy comes forward in front of the Alderman, looking rather frightened.) Let me see now. We 've heard a good deal of late about Dulcino. Where is Dulcino, my boy? Boy. I don t know. Sir. Alderman (aside). No more do I. (Aloud.) I see he is not well up in his jography. Let us try his spellin . How do you spell Halderman? Boy. A-1-d-e-r Alderman. This is too bad, he don't know where Dulcino is, and he can't spell Halderman John Jones. With all deference to your Worship Alderman. No, no, this is wasting the time of the Court. I 'ave 'eard all you 'ave to say, and you must be fined to the full amount with costs. John Jones. Well, Sir, I will pay the fine rather than have my furniture sold by the School-Board. But before paying the money, 1 would respectfully ask under what section of the Act I am to be fined for not sending my boy to school, when my neighbour in the next street, who happens to pay more rent than I do, is never troubled by the School-Board at all, and may either educate his children at home, or not educate them at all, as it may please his fancy. I much fear, Mr. Alderman, that in this country, as in all other countries, there is one law for the rich and another for the poor. Alderman. Nothing of the sort, Sir. I've a great mind to 'ave you fined for contempt of Court. What is the next case P [Scene closes. Motto foe the Patriotic Gaul.—" Nemo me in Tune laeessit." Mat 28, 1881.] 249 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SIMILIA SIMILIBUS CURANTUR. In consequence of the prospective success of the Amateur Bur- lesque, it is proposed to establish (for one night only) an Amateur Music-Hail, when the undermentioned Artists may, or may not, appear, and contribute the following Programme :— The Premier [especially com- 1 posed for him by Sir St-ff-rd / N-rthc-te; words expressly\ "Hang up the Flag behind the written for him by Sir J-hx l Door." H-lk-r; and dedicated to \ W. E. G. without permission . J Mr. Herbert Gladstone, M.P. . "The young Cock cackles as the old Cock crows." Mr. "Wilson Barrett . . . "OJuanna, don't I cry for thee!" Mr. Plimsoll . . . . "All on Account of Eliza." Major Lyon . . . . "Three old Magistrates went to the Aquarium." M. Barthelemy St. HlLAIRB . " Oh! quei'aime Its Militaires," and Selections from L'Afri- caine. Mr. Fred Archer ) ( " Oh, who will o'er the Downs so Mr. G. Fordham } [Part Song) < free? Mr. T. Cannon .) (Oh, who will Winners ride?" Sir Wilfrid Lawson (Recitation) "If I were only long enough, A soldier I would be." Mr. Bradlauoh . . . . "We may be happy yet." Mr. Marwood . . . . "The Last Cord" Mr. Dillon, M.P. . . ." Black Maria and the Squire." Earl of Lytton (as the Upper J "There's another jolly row down- Ten Swell) ... J stairs." E^1FS°peSM-P:1 ^ i "^e Two Gendarme," Mr. Edmund Yates {Reading) . "The wide, wide World." Mr. Froude "Carlisle awa'!" KfSHntoRE : :j "The Whale and the Torpedo." Marquis of Salisbury (Leader) Sir S. Northcote (First Violin) >■ Grand Selection from Patience. Earl Cairns (Big Drum) AN UNSENTIMENTAL JOURNEY. {By a Traveller after using Mr. Gladstone's Locomotive Refreshment Bars.) Victoria Station.—Great nuisance! Hot day—Sunday—can't get anything to drink anywhere I So thirsty! Happy Thought.—Qet something in the train. Take a ticket for Battersea Park, and there you are! Capital idea of Gladstone to give spirit licences to rail- way carriages. Not that I want any spirits. Oh no. Only a glass of ginger-beer. Got ticket for Battersea Park. Herns Hill.—Hallo! Never expected to come here! Fact is, crowd of people round the Refreshment Bar confused me. I must have missed getting out at the right moment. Ginger-beer very nice. Think I was right to oorreot the acidity in the usual manner. Still very thirsty. Think I shall just have time to get something— say a little lemonade—before we start. Hallo! we are off! Wonder where this train is going to? Hope to Battersea Park. Horsham.—Don't know how I got hero! Fact is, fancy I must have been to sleep after that pint of champagne. Horsham seems a nice sort of place. Bather a headache. Happy Thought—Bottle of soda-water, and then get out. Find my tioket. All right! "First-class to Battersea Park." Why—here! I say! Stop! We are off! Happy Thought.—Brandy in soda-water: take off chill. Arundel.—Very astonished to find myself here. Never intended to come, but suppose I forgot to get out at any of the intermediate stations. Wish I had taken that soda plain. Will just have a lemon squash, and then Why—hi! Stop! We are off again! Ford Junction.—Grot out at last, and found train waiting. Walked into carriage with American Bar. Happy Thought.—Praotise at American Bar. Which shall I take, a ''Corpse Reviver," or a "Lady's smile"? Happy Thought.—Trial at Bar. Try both. While matter is under consideration, train starts, and I have forgotten to ask if it goes to Battersea Park! Portsmouth.—Now I do call this annoying! Those American drinks are a mistake. If they hadn't expected me home yesterday to an early dinner, I shouldn't have been so put out! However, as I am here I suppose I ought to go over the Victory. Will this train carry me to Harbour? Happy Thought—Ask at Refreshment Bar. Weymouth.—Why am I here? Odd. Sherry nearly undrinkable. Must ask Station Master how to get back to Battersea Park. Honiton.—Soda-water, please. Wake me at Battersea Park. Cheltenham.—Refreshment person's fault. Journey done me good though. Feel better now. Ask for Cheltenham waters—with some- thing in them. I've always heard "there's something in them." If there isn't—Happy Thouqht—put it. Cognac? "Why cert'nly." Address Uncertain.—Really jolly! Capital port! Always lilted port! Don't in the least know where I am! Fancy somebody said to somebody just now that we were in the night express for Glasgow! All right! Why not? Hang Battersea Park! On we goes to China—Anywhere—Champagne—Happy Thought—Hooray gener- ally! GROUNDS FOR COMPLAINT. My dear Punch, A year ago I purchased a yacht and joined a Yachting Club. My object was simply unaUoyed enjoyment. This past week I received a letter bear- ing the crest of my Club. A dinner, I thought, or a cheery cruise, and I opened the missive with consi- derable glee. The letter was to the effect that, as "the Sailing ,Committee recommended the formula I -^ I as a rule of measurement, a general meeting of the Club was to be held to discuss it." What the above means, I am proud to say I have not the remotest idea, but I wish you would take the matter in hand, and expose it. If life is to be rendered a burden by algebraical questions, I shall give up yachting and go into the Church. Yours truly, Bucephalus Smith. Yacht " Squeaker" off Gracesend. The Way wo Live Now. "Schoolboys," remarks a dear old-womanly contemporary, "are not what they were. They drink champagne where ginger-beer once sufficed, and scholarship is a thing of the past." If this be so, we suppose the next new Latin Grammar will read like this :— Old Style. Positive, Magnus. | Comparative, Major. | Superlative, Maximus. New Style. Pos. Bottle. | Comp. Magnum. | Sup. Jeroboam. One for Sir Wilfrid. "Let anyone who was going into the Army be looked upon as if he were going into an equivocal profession, the same as if he were going on the Stock Exchange or going to keep a pawnbroker's shop."—Sir Wilfrid Lawson at the Peace Society. Sir Wilfrid, it seems, most insultingly jeers At the Army, which well may disdain his wild sneers; Or the soldier, indignant, might answer full soon That his calling beats that of a witless buffoon. NEW NAUGHTYCAL MUSIC. We notice that Mr. J. L. Molloy has produoed a new song called The Boatswain's Story. Glad to hear it, and still more glad to hear that J. L. M., for whose music we have a sincere regard, is continuing the series with The Mate's Whopper, The Swab's Suppression of Fact, The Cabin-Boy's Crammer, The Lie of the Land-Lubber, The Second Lieutenants Abominable Falsehood, The Coxswain of the Captain's Gig's Disgusting Perversion of the Truth, and The Mate's Mendacity. Will any of these be ready for Mr. Santley's Concert on "the night before the battle, Mother," i.e. the 31st, or eve of the Derby. Good subject for a Lady's song, "The Eve of the Derby." Music by Adam. Mr. Sullivan is writing The Box-and-Coxswain. FLUKE FOR THE FARMERS. The last number of the Journal of the Royal Society of England reports an investigation of the recent losses by nuke in sheep. Evi- dently merely a matter of chance. But are we to depend on Aus- tralia? No, not for mutton, and as for beef—well,—good beef needs no bush. Bill and Will.—Allowance is made in the Irish Land Bill for the "value of the Tenant's good-will." The Tenant's " good-will" in Ireland, however, is priceless. Lucky the Landltrd who possesses it. 250 [May 28, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE WRONG TIP. Brown. Hullo, Jones. What's the matter? Jones. Oh, nothing. Had my eye knocked out yesterday; my wife lost three front teeth last week; my son got a nasty knock on his left ear, and will probably be deaf on that side for life; and my little daughter's nose was broken this morning. Brown. Dreadful! And how— Jones. Why, from our square there runs a very frequented thoroughfare, which we all use daily, and near there is a Board School, and the children play in that frequented thoroughfare .... at Tip-cat!! [It is no exaggeration to say that Borne of the most respect- able thoroughfares are at certain times of the day impassable owing to the nuisance of Tip-cat. In the ophthalmic ward of St. Thomas's Hospital lies at the present mo- ment a little girl who has perma- nently lost the sight of her right eye. She is a victim to Tip-cat. Now where is that Policeman Sir Edward Henderson, eh ?] Avis. "Kara Avis" we should say. Figurez-vous, Messieurs— CALAIS-DOUVRES. Magnificent upper deck accommodation, with luxurious arm-chairs. Splendid sa- loon above deck. Handsome ladies' cabins, with stewardess, &c. &c. Cabins full of handsome ladies, with stewardess—handsome also, of course. No chance of having an ugly passage. PUNCH'S FANCY PORTRAITS.-No. 33. "Thought-Reading."—Great success. Try our "Happy Thought Reading." Re-issue. Cheap Series. COUNT OF MONTY GUESTO, M.P. Who's always asking questions to set his mind at rest? Tis the subject of this picture :—so tho answer must be Guess'd. SARAH'S RETURN. Sarah has landed at Havre with the eight hundred thousand franes_ landed in America. The Municipality turned out together with the Orpheonists, the Pom- piers, the Custom House Officers, and other local autocrats; and M. Grevy is reported to have said that if he had ever been re- ceived in that way, he should have felt vain. But Sarah could not feel vain; and she kissed the reporters all round in the most modest and unaffected fashion. In addition to her cheque-book. Donna Sot—who is now gene- rally called Dollar Solidi—has brought back materials for an- other book, the scathing frank- ness of which the Great Republic is not expected to survive. It is to be hoped that the gentle Frou-Frou will not stop there. With her universal talents, she ought to caricature her chief pa- trons in lead and oil—though the oil she struck was productive of gold; in the way of poetry, one or two stinging lampoons, say on Miss Fanny Davenport, Lei- cester Wallace, &c, would be in good taste. In sculpture, a fine group of " Le Gfenie chez les Trogiodites" would be finely em- blematic ) and if, as composer, the Inimitable gave us variations on "Yankee Doodle" d louche fermie et net considirdblement ouvert, the States ought to feel completely grateful for Sally's gratitude. When Shaksfeare makes Othello allude to "the harmless necessary Cat," theBard could not have had an Elizabethan boy's "Tip-cat" even in his mind's eye, or he wouldn't have called it "harmless." OUR FUTURE HISTORY. {By Sir John Joker, M.P.) Intending Candidates for Examination, who are not yet up in the appalling future of Communism, anarchy, and revolution, that, according to the late learned Attorney-General, waits this country shortly after the passing of the Irish Land Bill, may find the fol- lowing advance paper of questions of considerable use:— 1. Give the name of the last Lord Mayor who was guillotined privately, and had his head put, at his own request, on a pole at the top of the Temple Bar Memorial. 2. Who were the seventeen Bishops and Archbishops who were flung together into a tank at the Aquarium, and rescued, after some difficulty, by Miss Beckwith and the Assistant-Manager? And was this outrage repeated twice on Saturday? 3. The following are the seven post-Jacobin Emperors:—Brad- laugh, Churchill, Gosset the First, Gosset the Second, Gosset the Third, Marwood, Barry Sullivan. Give some aocount of the foreign policy of eaoh, and say in whose reigns were introduced, respectively, the compulsory " Wearing of Cham-Armour on Sun- days," "Trial by Torture/" County-Court Hanging," and " Shak- spearian Readings to Conviots." 4. Describe the falling of the Duke of York's Column by order of the Convention. How many years was it allowed to he in the smoking-room of the Athenaeum? 5. Analyse the following passage, and mention what similar crisis in Roman history it recalls:— "Then came the great day of action. The train was fired. Before noon the Houses of Parliament, St. Paul's, the Abbey, Somerset House, all the Government Offices, and five-and-twenty public buildings had been shot up simultaneously into the air in a thunder of exploding dynamite. Public feeling was somewhat appeased, but at a little before three it was hinted that the National Anthem had been sung by some one at the Beefsteak Club. The place was sur- rounded. Only the Secretary and the Steward were on the premises, but they were taken to the Tower. They made their escape that night to North Woolwich Gardens. But King William Street wa» doomed. At a quarter past eight the whole neighbourhood was sud- denly left a smoking ruin. It happened that the Folly Theatre had not long commenced its performance. The audience were dissatisfied. The temper of the times, however, was not one of compromise. Mr. Toole refused to return them their money. The effect of this an- nouncement was electric The next morning three millions of people assembled at Charing Cross and thanked him publicly for 'not having despaired of the Republic.'" 6. Give the now historic words in which Mr. Labouchere, en having the Dictatorship, together with the Mace, Crown jewels, half the contents of the Bank of England, and the promise of a publio funeral pressed upon him by a deputation, showed them the door and referredthem curtly to his solicitors. 7. Give some account of the last days of the House of Peers at Fiji. And (8) describe the gradual stages of the decline and fall of the British Empire, commencing with the passing of the Irish Land Bill, and culminating in the opening of the Isle of Dogs on Sunday. The Salle Volatile. _ I should like to see the two great Sarahs together in some English piece," said an orchestra-stall-wart young man at the Gaiety. "What two Sarahs?" asked his friend. "Why, Sal Bernhardt and Sal-Yini. They're both coming, aren't they P" Mat 28, 1881.] 251 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. "TO WHAT BASE USES," &c. Constable (at Gait of Militia Barracks). "Hullo! what 's this Cab here foe, blocking up the Street? Where 'b your Horse? I won't have it! Off tou go!" Cabby (deferentially). "All bight, Sir. I'm a waitin' for this 'ere Hadjutant's Charger, Sir!" VERSES FOR VEGETARIANS. [The Members of the Vegetarian Society met on May 18th in conference. It wm reported that the Society had twelve restaurants, in one of which 700 persons dined daily; the aggregate being 3000 diners every day] Bring hither'the leek, for its flavour is dear, With cabbage that always provides us good cheer; Let onions be cooked, and the artichoke too, While rosy tomatoes loom fair on our view; And give me the water-cress fresh from the bed, With beetroot that blushes a beautiful red. The spinach looks well with some eggs on the dish: There's parsnip, which gourmets serve up with salt fish: The sea-kale and brocoh merit our praise, With tender asparagus cut in spring days: Both carrots and turnips are toothsome, and still The cucumber woos us to eat 'gainst our will. There's parsley, which serves as a garnish; and dry Your lettuce and endive ere salads you try; The pea has its merits, and everyone leans To one merry meal off a dish of broad beans: With celery, rhubarb, and pears, and the rest, The gay Vegetarian lives on the best! The Mansion-House and The Muses. The Chancellor's Medal, at Cambridge, due to the best English verses written by an Undergraduate, has been adjudged to Mr. Abthuh Reed Ropes, Scholar of King's, for a poem composed on the subject of "Temple Bar." The Lord Matok and Aldermen, in recognition of a performance worthv. no doubt, to rank as a civic In Memoriam, should constitute Mr. Ropes (with an adequate official salary) Poet-Laureate to the City of London. N.B.—This is suggested by " One who knows the Ropes." PAY AND PLAY. The Times gives us these interesting particulars about the Theatre Francais:— "The royalties paid to authors during the past five years averaged annually more than 200,000f. (£8,000). Two years ago Hemani was reproduced with such success that the author 8 royalty for three months amounted to 50,000f. (£2,000)." Bravo Victor Hugo! Vhomnxe qui rit! But this is the system for sucoess and. for the encouragement of original and carefully constructed plays. No matter what the author's standing, he must receive his per-centage on the receipts, after a certain nightly deduction for charity. The French Dramatic Authors' Society can enforce its rights as a legally authorised body on behalf of the very weakest of its members. With such results French Authors can afford to bestow more time and care on their work than most of their English confreres can give. Hide-bound in Russia. "He jests at Czars who never felt a wound " inflicted by Nihilists. General Ignatieff should be written General IoNrrErrF, as pro- bably there is no one more capable of re-lighting the smouldering fires of revolution. Hidebound in old Russian prejudices, he thinks Siberia a cure for every evil. SARCEY CRITICISM. M. Francisque Sarcey, the bumptious dramatic critic, lately received a challenge for speaking disrespectfully of M. Got, the aotor, but avoided fighting by giving an explanation, which, translated, amounted to, I 've not been Sarcey, and I won't Go out." Bets for the Derby—Nearly everybody's " got 'em on." 252 [May 28, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MORE EASILY SAID THAN DONE. "Come and sit on Grandmamma's Lap, Darling!" ME AND THE MISSIS OX ENTERTAINMENTS FOE THE r-EOPLE. I Doy'r like bein' labelled! If I was luggage or a doctor's shop it might sme nateral, but I ain't and it don't. Therefore entertainments or what not cketed "for the People "don't pertikler fetch me, not as a rule they don't. ?iio are the People ; or, if it comes to that, who aren't they? If the party— ith "This is a Working-Man" on it. Similarly when clergymen or caterers dwertise their little affair as bein' "for the People," I 'm mostly inclined to iy, "You're another,"—and stop away. But we do give 'em a turn—Mo and the Missis—now and agen, and a good deal mused we are, sometimes, though praps not perciselyin the way we 're expected ) be. "Expected to be," ah! that s where they make the mistake. People, ith a big or a little "p," can't be amused by simply being told to be. "Amuse ud instruct" us, is what they want to do. All serene. I've no objection, inly dull goodvgoody won't do it, for one thing, nor yet what I shall wenture 5 call rum-faddiness. Likeways we don't care to have it poured into us with a poon, like physic, nor yet spelt out to us in synnables, like the big words in a oung 'un's oook. Me and the Missis went one Sunday afternoon not long ago -> an exhibition of what I should describe as Artistic oddcomeshorts out White- hapel way. Pictures, old china, tapestry, and what the Missis calls jigamarees l general. High Art they said it was, high Art for the People, and a high old )ke the people seemed to And it. Fogged silence and faces as long as from ere to yonder was the order of the day. Praps that's the nateral result of igh Art; if so she '11 have to come down a trifle before she elewates me worth lentioning. Somebody—a rayther topsawyerish schoolboy I should nail it—had pinned rritten " explanations " in the Mavor's Spellin'-book style, on to all the pictures n cetrer. The pictures fogged me, but the explanations riled me. All my arsty temper, the Missis said. Praps. Only the drop-it-down-nice-and-easy- o-'em style o' thing does put my back up, somehow. What's the objeck of all his here, John? says the Missis in a whisper,—nobody seemed to like to peak out loud. "To bring Beauty home to the workin'-classes," says I. "Oh! nd is that Beauty ?" says she, pointing to a lady with a long chin and a bad attack of the internal spazzums, who seemed to have got herself mixed up with a laurel bush and some miscella- neous laundry. Spose so," says I. Then says the Missis, "I '11 take it kindly if she '11 stop away, for she makes me feel as miserable as she looks." "Ah! got a jor onto her, ain't she?" says a greasy lookin' chap as overheard us. "Turn the Sunday milk sour, I should say." Beauty didn't seem to come home to him, somehow. Taking tother extreme, Me and the Missis went lately for an evening at the Victoria Coffee Musio Hall, which is the disreputable but jolly old Vic turned teatotal and —well thundering dull, / say, and chance it. I 'm not so set on tipple myself, that I can't take my amusement without it. Only it's got to be amusement. At the V. C. M. H. it wasn't,—not to Me and the Missis at least. "Here you are," says I, pointing to a seat. "Oh, John," says she, "rfo let's take a form where somebody else is sitthV." You see two in the Stalls, and about twenty in the Pit want a lot of keerful distrybution to make things snug and cosy all round. The entertainment was third-rate Music Hall, and dull at that; and when the applause came, which wasn't often, it sounded as weak as a whisper on Salisbury Plain, and as ashamed of itself as a snore in sermon time. A quotation from Shakspeare on the programme said that music was good for "doleful dumps." Not that of "a refined serio-comic" with a cheep-cheep-chuckabout sort of a voice, nor yet that of a "baritone vocalist" like a broken-down waiter with a cold in his head. Leastwavs Me and the Missis didn't find it so. So we thought we M try what seedy cake and Sparkling Rubine would do. "Always as lively as this, Miss?" savs I to the attend- ant at the bar, when a boy in a red Mouse like a boot- black had woke her up with the 'eavy end of a water- bottle. "No," says she, hunting for a corkscrew, "this is about as ba—a—a—a "I didn't quite see how many synnables that yawn was agoin to run to, bo I turns it up sharp and asks no more questions. No doubt they mean well, both "nobs"andthe "coffee pots," but they haven't quite got the hang of it. I hear there's some talk now of starting what they call "At Homes" for the People. Whatever that may mean, what they 've got to do first is to make the people feel at home. Long-chin'd Beauty and lackadaisycalness won't do it, nor yet dead-alive dulness and Gingerette. Straight! "THE MILLING EXHIBITION." This instructive ex- hibition, we regret to sav, closed last week. Millers came from all parts of the Kingdom and from the Conti- nent. The accompany- ing drawing represents two of the Prize-Millers. We hope the Show will be repeated; or, if not precisely the same, at least an entertainment of a si-miller character. FINISHED AT LAST. The Revisionary Committee of the 0. & N. T. have finished their work, and a new version of the Liber Librorum was presented to the Archbishop of Canter- bury in Convocation last week. On all hands the result seems to be pronounced a very qualified success, if not an absolute failure. It was at best more a visionary than a re-visionary undertaking. In no irreverent spirit, but as a matter of philological interest, we should very much like to know what were the suggestions for improvement made by our American cousins r If they at all corre- sponded to the English popular idea of Americanisms we do not wonder at their rejection. We leave it to our readers to conjecture—we should say to guess—what the Transatlantic notions might have been like. A Colourable Conceit.—Poets have described the Mediterranean as dark blue. Politicians are afraid that the occupation of Tunis will convert the "dark blue sea" into a French lake. To Cohbbsvohdimto.— The Editor dote not holrl himself boumi to acknowledge, return, or pa>t Jor Contribution*. eiamped aud directed envelope. Copies ihoi, Id be kept In no cote can then be returned *nku accompanied erf m June 4, 1881.] 253 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE DERBY-SKETCHED AND HEDGED. The day was a glorious one—not too cold nor yet too warm. Now would the sun emerge from the clouds and flood all nature with a perfect bath of glory. Now the rain would pour in torrents. Now the Bnow would fall lightly upon thousands of ulsters and sealskins. And yet these changes were so brightly blended that there were Borne who did not see the sunshine, some who did not feel the rain, some who did not notice the Bnow! How to get to Epsom was the first thought of many a Londoner on that ever-memorable "Wednesday. Those who liked leisurely progress went by road—those who preferred speed betook themselves to the Railway Station. It has been reported that many had to wait at the booking- office at Waterloo Station several seconds before they could secure a ticket. It has been also rumoured that, on more than one occasion, the vehicles on the road had to walk slowly, on account of the crowded appearance of the thoroughfare. The incidents on the way down having been now fully and exhaustively described, the aspect of the Course and its surroundings claim attention. Something not unlike the scene witnessed on Wednesday June the First had been gazed upon before. This may appear a bold assertion when it is remembered how unlike ono Derby-Day is to another, and yet such indeed was the fact. For instance, there were several persons on the Grand Stand, and the UiU could not be justly described as deserted. Here and there luncheon was eaten on tho top of a drag, and amongst the crowd were recognised, now and again, a perambulating Ethiopian sere- nader. Those who listened attentively, too, could hear dis- tinctly the sound of voices. But as it may be objected that the above remarks are almost of a too general character, it may be as well to enter into particulars. Nothing could have been more interesting than the group collected on the Epsom Downs on Wednesday the First of June. All the celebrities of the day, deserting the Grand Stand and the drags, paraded by mutual consent on a secluded portion of the Hill. Wishing as much as possible to fall in with the desires of Sir Wilfrid Lawson, they determined to treat the great race of the year with sovereign contempt. Thus, when the finish was over as follows:— 1, The Winner; 2, The Derby Dog; 3, Policeman X; and the remainder of the field nowhere, the most illustrious of our Lords and Gentlemen were disporting themselves with their backs turned to tho Course in the most delightful man- ner. It was at this the supreme moment that Mr. Gladstone engaged in a friendly contest with Sir Stafford Northcote in the exciting game of "knock-'em-downs." The Conservative Leader was supported by Sir John A&TLBY and Mr. W. H. Smith, while Mr. John Bright bravely took odds about "the Striker." Mr. Chaplin, forgetting all Earliamentary animosities, generously officiated as stake- older. It was at this moment too that Lord Salisbury, seeing Sir Stafford engaged "in another place," stealthily invited a gipsy to tell him his fortune in his character of " a pretty gentleman"—the Duke of Richmond, sumamed the "Disappointed," regarding the group thus formed with a feeling that it would take volumes to adequately ex- press. Then Sir William Harcourt, always knowing more about everything than anyone else, discovered the King in the celebrated Card Trick to the admiration of all beholders. Following the lead of H.R.H. the Prince of Walks and Lord Alfred Paget, Lords Carrinoton and Rosebery determined to have nothing to do with the race, and walked away from the Downs as the horses passed the winning-post. So splendid an act of self-denial was so greatly appreciated by Sir Wilfrid Lawson, that the teetotal Baronet immediately celebrated the event in a foaming glass of Zoedone, to the languid astonishment of Mrs. Wheeler, Miss Ellen Terry, and Mrs. Langtry, who evidently mistook the unvinous but cheering beverage for genuine champagne. Then Mr. Irving glanced at the race to see if he could obtain from it fresh inspiration for the character of Ot/milo; while Cete- ■wayo made a noted ^Esthete perfectly Wylde. Such was the scene on the Hill, which might have been witnessed by anyone—knowing where to find it! But, after all, the Derby was the event of Wednesday tho First of June. It cannot Dut be felt that no account of this remarkable twenty-four hours would be complete without tome report of the running. Several of the horses appeared in the Paddock—nav, all except those that were saddled at the starting-post. As the papers have published a full list of the probable starters and jockeys, it would be a waste of time, if not an evidenco of Dad taste, to give the names of those that actually put in an appearance. Such a catalogue would be invidious in the last degree, and might lead to a great deal of disappointment. Suffice it to say that all the horses that were intended to run were brought before the starter several minutes before he lowered his flag. And here it would be well to Btop, were it not that in an ante-dated report it is more than usually interesting to spot the winner. Well, then, they are off! They pass Tatten- ham Corner! It is all over, and the race has Deen run in more than a minute, and less than half an hour. There has been a First, a Second, and a Third! The name of the First is the most important— and 6ee, there is the N umber on the Board. Refer to your card, and all—yes, all—is revealed to you! *&> VOL. LXXX. 251 [Join 4, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ~9* Yt\ THOROUGHNESS. Aunt Matilda. "And do you study Geography, Janet?" Janet. "Geography. I should think so, indeed!" Aunt Matilda. "Where 's Glasgow?" Janet. "Glasgow? Oh, we haven't got as far as that. We've only jot as far as Asia." DERBY AND JONES. (IVilh Convivial Compliments lo Mr. James Molloy.) The Derby's here, and I 'm getting grey, By Jove, I 'm fifty if I 'in a day; But through dust and sun, I like my fun As the cab rolls on. So we, that is Jones my friend and I, Have each, to our wives, made this reply: "Yes, we 're going,—like two staid elderly men, But don't mean, my dear, to do it again." And it's always the same! Serious tones,— Then a nice little game with my old friend Jones. A nice little game with my old friend Jones. Arm-in-arm, after lunch that day, Arm-in-arm,—well, we made our way: And everything spun round and round like fun As the cab bowled on! Arm-in-arm, we managed to slide, Though the streets and lamps all took the wrong side; And we never could quite tell how or when Each of us got safe home again! Always the same!—Banjo and Bones— Always the same with my old friend Jones. Always the same with my old friend Jokes. LEOPOLD IN LEAR. The Queen has been studying the Bard lately with a view to the performance of King Lear at Windsor. Heb Majesty has only settled one character in the cast and given it to Prince Leopold, or Prince Leak-pold, to whom this line lias been graciously addressed. "And you, one no less loving son of Albany." The title is not derived from the sets of bachelors' chambers in Piccadilly, called The Albany, or we might expect the creation of some other titles such as the Duke of Arcadia, Baron Flats, Lord Hankeymansion, Sir Claeence Chambers (Haymarket), and so on. A city confectioner said he was delighted at such a graceful compliment being paid to his trade as was implied in the creation of a Duke of All-bunny. Owners of rabbit- warrens mav make the same remark. A CASE OF CONSCIENCE. A DERBY DAY DRAMA. Scene I.—House of Commons, shortly before Derby Day. Conscientious Radical M. P. [warmly). Approve of the House ad- ourning over tho Derby Day? Certainly not.' Most ridiculous and vrong. Shall decidedly vote against it if it comes up. We are here >ir [swelling) to do the Nation's business, which is shamefully in rrear—shamefully—and to waste a day in the middle of the Session ust because a few thousand fools are going to see some horses com- lete at Epsom is frivolous, infra dig. monstrous, unworthy in the lightest degree. I never go, but even did 1 desire to do so, I should lot think of closing the House and stopping public business just to ive me an opportunity of indulging a personal taste which is cer- ainly trivial if it is not debasing. No, Sir! [Strikes an heroic village-Hampden altitude, with elevated chin, and thumbs in his white waistcoat sleeve-holes. Easy-going Conservative M.P. [languidly). Aw, think so? Don't itch it quite so high myself, /never go, never, too low and noisy; ut if other fellows want to, I don't see why they shouldn't, I m are. Better fun than Biggar, I dare say—and quite as likely to dvance "public business." By the way, what's Peregrine's itest price? Conscientious Radical, M.P. [eagerly pulling out paper). Why, ang it, I see— [recollecting himself)—hut there, look for yourself. 've no interest in it! [Saunters out to get later edition. Scene II.—The Downs on Derby Day. Conscientious Radical M.P. [on a drag with dolls in his hat). By ove, this is better than Bigoab,! Pass the Lobster Salad. [3/unches.) hampagne with you? [Gurgles.) Ten to one against Limestone? •one! [Books it.) H'm! Wonder whether Gladstone could put lis book straight. I can't. Stand to win fifty-two—no, three—or it sixty-three? (Gurgles again.) Or to lose one hundred and what the doo Oh, hang it! what's the odds on Geolo— I mean so long as you 're happy? Enter Easy-going Conservative M.P. with a cocoa-nut, which he surreptitiously drops under the drag. Easy-going Conservative M.P. Hillo, Pbag, you here 't Why, I thought you never Conscientious Radical M.P. And I thought you never-^ Easy-going Conservative M.P. Well, you see, I don't,—as a rule, but—well, fact is I got somehow dragged—that is—a—a sort of a duty, don t you know Conscientious Radical M.P. Ah, yes, quite so. Same here. Bore, but must make the best of it, I suppose. [Does so. Easy-going Conservative M. P. By the way, did you vote against the adjournment? Conscientious Radical M.P. [severely). Most certainly. As I said before, to sacrifice the progress of important public business to a sort of Carnival Pio-nic and foolish Saturnalia of so-called Sport, is one of the most indefensible, undignified By Jove, here they come! here they come! Hooray! Geologist, Limestone, Pere who--o—o—o [Left shouting. Four-in-Hand Club. May 25th. Scene— The Serpentine. Weather—" Tempt de Demoiselle." The Duke of Beat/fort leads; sans dread of wet, All follow him—a perfect " Summer set." No Bookworm.— Cavete ab homine unius libri. Mind what you are about with a man of one book. Particularly when, as often happens, that man is a Bookmaker. Seasonable [by Our Sporting Botanist).—Horse-chestnuts como out strong in the Epsom week. Junk i, 1881.] r.b5 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHART V A HI. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED TKOM THE DIARY OF TOBY, 31.P. Madame France (to Mr. Bull). "Your old Ticket won't do. The Management's going to raise the Prices." Monday Night, May 23.—Of our Parliamentary day, whether the first or the sixth, it may truly be written, "And the morning and the evening were Randolph." Our young friend has of late de- veloped a pleasing habit of coming down before dinner and having a little flutter with Her Majesty's Ministers, much in the same way that idle young men in Paris, I am told, cheer their flagging spirits about the same hour by a glass of absinthe. Moreover, just as some other young men of equally loose habits dwelling in another metropolis, are accustomed towards midnight to wind up with a tumbler of soda and brandy, so our young Statesman, repre- sentative of an important borough, is good enough to look in at the House on his way home to create fresh discord. To-night Randolph's absinthe was Lord Hartinoton; his soda and brandy Mr. Gladstone. The absinthe he found a little bitter. If a man minds being held up to his associates and the world out- side as one who eagerly seizes upon a bit of "lying and calumni- ous gossip," and seriously uses it in the endeavour to damage a political opponent, Randolph could not have been very happy after Lord Hartinoton had finished with him. Hartinoton not often roused from his ohronic condition of passionless indifference. Randolph, amongst many other charming qualities, possesses the secret of moving the Marquis to astonishing exhibitions of sledge- hammer contempt. Apropos. Mr. Cotes, who sometimes finds leisure in the lobby to say 25G [Junk 4, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. witty things, has a little conundrum on this matter of the douceur of Sir Frederick Roberts:—"What is the difference between Randolph's authority and Randolph himself?" "One is Vanity Fair and the other Unfair Vanity." The Soda-and-Brandy was, regarded seriously, a somewhat sad affair. Lord Hartington is voung and strong, and if he thinks it worth while to catch and crush a moth, the effort gives him no trouble. But for Randolph, after spending an agreeable evening in the service of his country else- where, to come in at two o clock in the morning, and begin to bait Gladstone, who had been already sitting, with brief inter- mission, for nine hours, strenu ously wrestling with the Com mittee in moulding his Budget scheme—for Randolph to do this, suggests reflections which perhaps it would not be polite to reflect. Business done.—Budget Bill considered in Committee. Tuesday.—Heard somewhere of "the good man struggling with adversity." Saw him this afternoon standing at the Table VEnfant Terrible (reciting). "My 3"?% lef\ ?n4.arms contorting name is Kandolph," &c. m ™™& tashJon- Adversity Lord S-l-st-ry. "He 's a wonderful on the Benches below the Gang- Bo-o-y! And he's alive, alive, alive!!" wa7 opposite, exceedingly enjoy- ing the struggling. Mr. FoRSTEH, not perhaps the most passionately beloved man in the House. A trifle too self-assertive and self-satisfied. At first House not insen- sible to certain enjoyment in Beeing him wrestling with the Irish Members. He undertook the post of Chief Secretary with so mani- festly light a heart, and with such cheery determination to show Great Britain and Ireland how the thing was to be done. Also some secret chuckling at the spectacle of Mr. Biggar, with his thumb in the arm-hole of his waistcoat, calmly advising Mr. Forster to retire from a post for which he is notor usly unfit." Things are past a joke now. The sympathy of the House entirely with Mr. Forster, as he makes an indignant stand against the violent vituperation and unmannerly attacks made uponliim night after night. They do him no harm in the estimation of those who hear and see. There may or may not be something in the case which Irish Members desire to present. What is certain is it will never be listened to from the men who assume to represent Ireland under the leadership of Mr. Paknell. They have so often shown themselves incapable of distinguishing between fact and fancy, truth and Boasting the Police Force-ttT. deliberate lying, that men with other business to attend to cannot spare time to listen on the chance of hearing a few facts. All very well this, and very true. But hard for Mr. Forster to take this philosophical view, and to sit unmoved whilst Mr. O'Donnell slowly gimlets him, and Mr. Healy, lying in wait behind a corner, heaves half a brick at him, and then runs off to shelter himself behind "Privilege." To-day he has it out with them. He trembles in every limb with honest indignation, whilst the Irish Members sit and watch him as the audience in a theatre sit and watch the champion dancer who gyrates for their amusement. The Chief Secretary's will may be law at the Castle; but there is sweet revenge to be taken at Westminster. Business done.—Mr. Forster baited by Irish Members. Wednesday.—With twenty minutes to six comes Mr. Biogar. He has not been in the House throughout the Sitting, and business has gone on without distraction. The unfortunate Members who have Bills on the Orders which they might get advanced by a stage, know very well what he means. If they didn't, they would soon learn. As soon as a quarter to six strikes and Debate stopped, Speaker rises and proposes to go through the Orders. Reads out title of Bill. "I object," says Mr. Biggar. Another Bill and another objection, sometimes shared with Mr. Warton, with occasional stray bits for Mr. Heait. But the guiding spirit is Joseph Gillis, by the side of whom Mr. Waeton becomes monotonous and common-place. Many efforts made from time to time to inveigle J. B. from the precincts of the House at this hour. All failures. Joseph's eagle eye flashes through the strategy, and calmly he advances to a seat above the Gangway, placing himself directly under the Speaker's left ear— "just as if he were the knot in the rope," says Alderman Fowler, who in his time has been a Sheriff. Business done.—Nothing particular. Thursday.—Great and graceful entry by Mr. Ecroyd, just elected for Preston. The whole business dramatically arranged. New man introduced by Law and Order: Law, Sir John Holker; Order, Colonel Stanley. Sir John ad- vances towards the table with all the languid grace that is part of his Par- liamentary manner. Peli- t tics have always beenquite too-too for honest Jack. If they would only let him run amuck at the enemy, Parliamentary life might be endurable. But what with talk about expedi- ency and references to re- sponsibility, Jack thinks Parliamentary life scarce (3&^^ tdr^Si worth living. Sometimes comes down after dinner, Sheriff Thames Water-low objecting to Thames and if no one on the front Eiver Bui. bench, has a little dash in, taking care to clear out before Northcote or any of them come down with their "What's this?" their "Dear me!" and their "Now, really, don't you think, Holker?" Sir John got rid of his charge as if it were a badly-backed brief, sheering off when he had come near enough to point out the Mace to the new-comer. Then strolling off with the look of half-sleepy, wholly ineffable weariness that is so touching. Mr. Ecroyd simply delightful. Tories cheered like mad. Alder- man Fowler kept it up till his face looked like " the purple-headed mountain" of which the poet sings. Mr. Ecroyd accepted atten- tions with due measure of dignity and satisfaction. Advancing with light and graceful step he impartially turned his head to right and left, changing the expression of his face with great skill. He had "A tear for those who love him, A smile for those who hate." Impossible to say which was better done, the smile that he turned towards the silent Liberals, or the softening expression of unalterable regard and friendly protection which he bestowed upon the elated Conservatives. Business done.—House got into Committee on the Land Bill. Friday Night.—This Government not going to be beaten by the last in anything. Stafford Northcote made a great hit witn his Confidence Trick. Gladstone determined to show that ho is an equal adept in juggling. Selected the Hat Trick for the performance. In some respects not quite so striking as the Confidence Trick, which required the audi- ence to produce Six Millions out of their own pockets and hand it to the conjuror. Mr. Gladstone wanted nobody's money. The only article he desired to borrow was a hat, and. this was obligingly furnished by the Solicitor - General. Performance com- menced at six o'clock precisely. House crowded: pit full; boxes bursting; strangers turned away in hundreds from the Gallery. The Premier got up and stood before the table holding out his hand to show that there was no deception. People roared with applause, and demanded an encore. Premier again rose, hold- ing out nis hand as before, again demonstrating that there was no deception. Now there were cries of " Hat! Hat!" Gladstone sat down again. Solicitor-General handed up his hat. Premier put it on his head, or rather on half his head, for it would not go on farther, and then dexterously balancing it as another conjuror might balance a feather on his nose, he said a few words amidst thunderous applause. Business done.— Committee on Land Bill. June 4, 1881.] 261 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A TRILL TO A NIGHTINGALE. Once more do we gaze upon a Songstress famous in old days; Quite a perfect prima donna,^ Winning every critic's praise. List to " Dolce pensiero. Altered for her, if you please, By Rossini. How they stare, Oh! How the roulades come with ease. Here's the figure neat and natty, Bowing to the hrilliant throng; Here's our " Philomela" Patti, Here's the foremost Queen of Song! 'Now then, Ladies, here GREAT ATTRACTION. Scene—Derby Race-course. 's yer chance I Th" werry 'Oss 'er Royal 'Iqhness rode last Derby I" Tennis Testimonial. The suhscription towards a Testi- monial to the Inventor of Lawn- Tennis might he appropriately in- vested in some game of Fives on the Stock Exchange—say American Fives—or Turkish Fives,—the latter being a game depending less on skill than chance. Whatever form the Testimonial is destined to assume, the subscribers have 'pledged them- selves to " stand the racket." The Hellenic Stabt.—On Tues- day last week the convention for the final settlement of the Greek Frontier was signed at Constantinople. May the regeneration of Greece now pro- ceed apace—go on at a gallop—per- haps for one thing fc result in the revival of the Isthir-'an Games, to whieh the late Lord Palmerston so happily compared the Derby. NOTES FEOM THE DIARY OF A CITY WAITER. "Robert" on the Derby. I have bin offered a werry liberal engagement for Epsom nex "Wensday, but I don't think I shall except it. It's all werry well for your young swells with more money than branes, and more sperrits than they can carry soberly and strait, but for respekable people, like myself, who go in for respekability afore evcrythink, it's a awful low plaice. Most of the men seems to try and look as low and as horsy and as blaggardy as they can, and many on 'em succeeds admirubbly; and as for the Ladies, no doubt they 're as bootiful as Howeries, as I thinks the Turkeys calls 'em, but their conduck is that free and easy, as is rayther astonishing to a respekable father of seven. I 've seen all the fun of the Fare! I 've lost my money at Thimbel Rig, which still remanes to me one of the Missterrys of Life. I was once injuiced to put on the Gloves with the Tipton Slasher, outside his Booth, and acshally had the honor of hitting him on the nose, and then of being knoct down as flat as a pancake, and then asked if 1 should like any more, and all for the small charge of a shilling. I 've had my pokkit pikt of every penny I had about me, and had to pledge my dimund pin to a Jew for Is. 6d. to get home with, but as I had bort it at a Pornbroker's in Wite- chapple for a shilling, Mr. Moses didn't get much out of that little job. There was a time wen I used to go as reglar to the Darby as I now goes to the "Albion " or the "London," and for just the same reeson, perfeshnal engageminx. Why in my time I 've bin on quite intummit turms with most of the principle Jockeys, and have had lots of strate tips from 'em, sum on 'em reel 'uns. I even remember wunce having quite a frendly nod from the "Demon "! I also remember Custance, I think it was, telling me, in quite a confedenshal moment, that there was one certain way, and only one way, of spotting the Darby winner. I never could quite remember it, most likely from its being rather late at night, and after a good deal of frendly confidenBe and rum Punch, of which we was both partickler fond, but I know it was Bumthink like this here. Take the first letters of the names of the horses, and those that make up a word are sure to contane the winner. So as P. I. G. spells Pig, I profesys Peregrine, Iroquois, and Geologist as the first 3 to pass the cheer. (Anyone winning a pot of money by means of the above tip, will "Please remember the Waiter!)" I wunce went down on a Dook's Drag, when it went down early and empty, as I know'd one of the Grooms, and didn't I cock my At, and fold my arms, and wink my eye at the Galls, like the best on 'em. I warn't a bad looking fellow then, tho' not much of a Don Jew'em to look at just now: None on us is, I thinks, much arter 50. I 've druv down with my old Gal in a one horse Shay, but that was in my Greens and SaUad days, when I lived with my Father the Green Groser; and I 've gone down with four of us on a Koster Monger's Barrer! and I think that was about the jollyist of the lot, speshally when we had to get down and ease our nice little oss by pushing behind up the ills. . u Ah, them's jolly times when one's young and harty, and isn t obligated to be so werry pertiklar about aperiences as wun is wen wun gets on in the world. . Putting the 2 thinx together it's rayther doutful witch is best, to be yung and poor and jolly, as I was then, or to be forced to be care- ful wot you does and wot you says and how you looks, as I am now. They both has their charms and they both has their drawbax, like most things in this here rum little world of ours. Times ain't as they used to be when Prime Ministers like Lord Parmerston and Lord Darby, ran their horses, as all real Gentle- men should. Frank Butler oust told me that Lord Darby onst told him, as that he 'd sooner win his Blew Ribbon off the Turf than off his Garter. I don't quite know what it means, but I think it was werry credditabbel to his Lordship. , I don't think I shall quite make up my mmd 'till the werry last moment, for tho' it ain't wot it used to be before there was not no Rails, still after all, it's a wunderful sight, what I think the Reporter calls a reel Satannailyer! and to me its alleis werry grati- fying to see the lower orders, or as my french frend calls em the can-oil, injying of theirselves. Robert. Good for Trade. On the Queen's Birthday a party of Commercials at Reading drank Her Majesty's health, and then Bent a congratulatory telegram to Balmoral, which was graciously acknowledged by wire. Inis was displaying a sample of their loyalty. M. Gambetta going to Labors was also saluted by a Band of Bagmen; but this of course was as a Fellow Traveller. 262 [Jcne 4, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A DERBY DREAM. Sir,—A friend of mine knew a Man whose Wife's Aunt once dreamt that a convict had carried off all the plate from Knowsley. Tlie nejrt day West Australian won the Derby! Of course had the lady but followed the dictates of Fate, she would have netted an enormous fortune. But, such is human perversity, she did not. Now, Sir, strange to say, on Satur- day morning: last (I believe about 2'30 p.m.) after having consumed a most modest supper of dressed crab and champagne, I also dreamt a dream, which I am certain is nothing more nor less than a certain tip for the great event. I distinctly saw a king waving a red flag, attached to a oattle-axe, to an Arab in a Scotch cap. That vision has been a source of drink and desolation to me, for I am neither Joseph nor Cagliostro. My business is neglected, my wife and children cannot persuade me to eat. I have learnt Mother Shipton's prophecy by heart, and yet I am unable to solve the mys- tery. In the faint hope that some one of your readers may be more fortunate, I am. Sir, Yours despondently, A Gone Coon. A Site—to be Taken. The place said to have been se- lected by Prince Christian for a house is called The Mount Hanger Hill. But what a ready-made and appropriate name for the resi- dence of Sir Frederick Leighton, President of the Royal Academy. The Mount for a pioture; and then Hanger Hill—it's perfect. PUNCH'S FANCY PORTRAITS.-No. 34. OUR "ROSEBERY PLATE." MORE STATIONERY. The House of Lords has asked for a return of the exits from the London Theatres, and the Lord Chamberlain has collected this return and presented it. The Lord Chamberlain does not say a word to the Legislature about & clumsy and restrictive Act of Parliament under which the Gaiety, Criterion, Britannia, and many other theatres are deprived of their most valuable exits, be- cause they are not allowed to communicate with premises used as licensed public-nouses. The Managers are supposed to be re- sponsible for exits that are not unbolted, but they can hardly be responsible for exits that are bricked up by legislative folly. Sum Good from It. To the Amateur Bnrlesquers playing in Heme the Hunted, at the Gaiety, Mrs. Cecil-Rosina- Vokes-Clay lent her invaluable assistance. The Amateurs did enough to show that step-dancing, banjo-playing, comio- singing, pantomime rallies and leaps, and the power of delivering punning dialogue, are not the exclusive property of the profession. The burlesque cost many hundreds to get up, but the Artists' General Benevolent Institution is to re- ceive £500 from the players, who have done their best to Heme it. cricket intelligence. Cambridge is likely to show a bold front adorned with three Studds. FIZZIOLOGICAL TACTS. The plea put forward by the accused in a recent libel case, that he had been driven to the commission of the offence by an excessive resort to Zoedone, suggests an entirely new departure in connection with "temperance" and other aerated beverages. Crime has not hitherto been directly associated with soda-water, but if it is to be so, then let us take a sample of the Fiction of the Future:— The Duke whimpered on the hearth-rug, and once more tried to sharpen the carving-knife on his boots. He had taken the pledge. But still he sharpened that terrible knife! "I can't do it, Chesterton," he said, swallowing a tumbler of Wilhelmsquelle as he spoke—" I can't do it. When I think of her pretty yellow little neok, reposing in sweet unsuspicion on the blue satin above, I feel I can't do it." Conscience awoke as with a convulsive wrestle. The Butler saw it, and sneered; then he paled a little, and approached the cellaret. "Knows your Grace of no friend able to nerve his arm, when" "Stay !" thundered the Peer, recalling an orgy with Friedrichs- hall, and now livid with rising resolution, "and bring it me. I will have a whole one." He held out an empty celery-glass as he spoke. The Butler had been drinking deeply of Hunyadi Janos, and there was an awful glitter in his eye. He poured the hissing; contents of a huge bottle into the extended vase. Quick as lightning the Duke gulped down its terrible contents, and, with one last flash of his carving-knife, leapt up the marble stairs—a raving Teetotaller! There was a ghastly struggle for one hour and fifty minutes. Then a cry—and then the opening of another bottle! And after that there was silence. The awful work had been done only too well! Heaven help the Duchess! The Duke had had two Magnums of Apollinaris ! 1 • * » • « And so "on. What does Sir Wilfrid say to it? Local Option can not last for ever. GUSH ABOUT THE BARD. Did we say that Shakspeare, though the greatest of Poets,_" could not write a tolerable play for a nineteenth century audience " P "Why, certainly." We did say it, in a notice of Othello at the Lyceum, and we stick to it. Of course he '' could" do so, and would, were he alive now; but that's quite another thing. Is there a single play of Shakspeabe's of which there is not "an acting edition "? The late Tom Robertson, Actor, Author, and excellent Stage Manager, used to say, "I should like to see a modern Manager's face as he sat listening to Mr. Shakspeare (a recently successful Author) reading his manuscript play of Macbeth." The very first lines in the first Scene would stagger him, even though the nervous Dramatist might read it in his most impressive manner. Wouldn't he at once suggest cutting out the "hurlyburly," " Graymalkin," and "Paddock"? Perhaps he might leave this last in, if produced in the Derby week. And when the Three Witches turned up again in Scene iii., worse than ever, wouldn't the practical Manager ask what on earth "the sailor's wife who had chestnuts in her lap " had to do with the plot t And wouldn't he say that the audience would roar at " the rat with- out a tail" and " the pilot's thumb," and that in fact these Witches would play the deuce with the piece? Mr. William Shakspeare, Poet, Dramatist, Actor, Manager, and the greatest Genius of his own or of any other age, feathered nis nest very comfortably by writing for a sixteenth century audience, and he would very soon re-arrange his plays so as to suit them to the taste of "a nineteenth century audience," whioh, having scenery, cos- tumes, and attractive heroines, wishes that aB little as possible may be left to its imagination—as was nearly everything in Shakspeabe's time—and that the whole " Show" should be compressed into three hours' entertainment at most. Re-viewing It.—"Lord Salisbury," savs the World, "is the ideal of a Quarterly Reviewer." We should rather have said that his Lordship is a Give-no-Quarterly Reviewer. Joke 4, 1881.] 263 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. COACHING." Our Bus-Driver. "'Stonishin' the amewsment the Arry-stocracy finds in it, Sir! But p'rhafs it 's a good thing, y' know, Sir—gives 'em Fresh Air, an' occypies their Minds, an' keeps 'em out o' the Public-'ouse—leastways the Clubs, I mean, Sir!!" AN IMPROBABLE STARTER. A Horse has been named for the National Prosperity Stakes, against backing which we oaution the public This horse is an animal now called Reciprocity, and saidT to be by Depression (or Emergency) out of the foreign-bred Tariff. The market is being insidiously but assiduously rigged in its favour by a certain " ring, of shady antecedents, who believe they see a chance of landing a nice little stake at the public expense. Without being exactly a popular favourite, Reciprocity is not altogether without genuine support in some quarters, and many who have a sneaking penchant for the discredited stock, rather fancy its chance, and are backing it guietly. We are convinced, however, that the animal is a rank impostor, and sailing under entirely false colours. In fact, we have reason to believe that this so-called Reciprocity is none other than our old friend—or enemy—Protection, under a new name. Protec- tion at one time was a great favourite, but proved to be a non-stayer and an arrant rogue, and having broken down badly, was scratched at the last moment for the race ultimately won by that "horse of the century," the stout and speedy Free Trade, by Bobby Peel, out of Political Economy. Since then we have heard little of him, but we more than suspect that the discredited Protection turns up again "with a fresh coat of paint" in this dark Reciprocity, about whose antecedents there seems so much mystery, and the proceedings of whose stable are open to such strong suspicion. Even if the brute should start, he could not possibly win, as his stock never show staying powers over a long course, and invariably " cut it" at the pinch. But, beyond this, we believe that he will be disqualified before the day of the race, and we strongly advise backers to have nothing to do, on any terms, with the horse or its supporters. Verb, sap. "A horse," observed a Scotch Vet., "may have a very good appe- tite, and yet be unable to eat a bit." "Ah," said 'Aery, "there's the difference between a 'oss and a ostridge, which could eat bit, snaffle, curb and all." A WARNING TO THE WAGS. This being the Derby Week, it may not be out of place to point out the fact to the Waterloo Wags. That a race-meeting was about to occur would of course be self-evident to any other Railway Com- pany interested in the transport of holiday-makers to the great Equine Carnival; but judging by past years, this event (and indeed all others of a like description) comes as a complete surprise to Mr. Archibald Scott and his merry Masters. The London and South Western ought perhaps to be accustomed to a pressure upon its traffic, for it is directly occupied in providing trains for meetings at Epsom, Sandown, Kempton, Ascot, Egham, Windsor, Stockbridgo, Hampton, Salisbury, Weymouth, Southampton, Winchester, and Aldershot, and also for the Oxford and Cambridge Boat-race. In the matter of raising prices the L. & S. W. R. is sufficiently alert, remembering the good old adage, that " None but the brave deserve the fare. Here, however, the valour ends, as the Wags coasign tho entire management of their manoeuvres on these favourite and field days to their favourite commander, General Block. And, strange as it may seem, there are those who, ignoring the advantages of communism in compartments and tickets, of stop- pages at Nowhere Station, and of unutterable confusion at Some- where Station, do not appreciate this particular Block System. The Aye has It! "Pronounced as one letter and written with three" Is the place that he sits for. pert Lord Randolph C. "All my Eye," he may call it, young cock o' the walk, And in that it extremely resembles his talk. The Member for Eye has some sparkle and flash, But he doesn't look pretty when under the lash. Becoming his perch ill and bearing the birch ill, "Ware Hartington !" 's surely the " tip " for Lord Churchill. A Racing REroBM~MT/CH Needed.—Scrutin de List. 264 [June 4, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. "Been to Board-School, my Boy?"—"Yes, Sir!" "Passed out with Certificate?"—"Yes, Sir!" "Well, look here! Four Pounds of Sal- mon at IJalf-a-Crown a Pound— what would that be?"—"Ten Shillings, Sir!" "(,'uite right, my Boy. Here's Sixpence for you. But stop a moment! avhat would twenty pounds of salmon at fourfence-half- penny be?" —"Why, stinking, yer jolly old Stupid! 'Olesale it's ElOHTEENPENCK!" THE DERBY. {By the Veteran's Uncle.) "He who goes once to the Derby by road, does so as an experiment; he who goes twice is a fool," did not some maundering dotard say with no go or fun about him? He who would go by road when he can go by rail, deserves to be treated in the American fashion, and "rode on a rail," as I remarked once at Delmonico's, in New York, a real snappy restaurant; though for a f ourteen-year-old-mutton-cnt -and - come - again- old- port- and -carried - up - to - bed-by-the-Boots sort of house, give me the "Old George" at Eanksborongh Gorze. I like the road with its quaint ways and antiquated tricks. Give me the pea-shooter-didn't the Bishop—he and I were "boys, merry, merry boys" at Eton on the nill together—just jump when I pinned him with a real stinger on his off calf? Give me the bags of flour—you should have seen the Dukers face when I landed him one on the near optio. But he and I have heard the chime3 at midnight, when we haven't been asleep, often together, and after a quarter of an hour's hearty, genial swearing at me, and threatening to break every bone in my body, he went off as if nothing had happened. But there, where can you match our British Aristocracy? Once more in the Paddock. The prettiest sight, after all, is to see the horses paraded. What have we here? Why, the favourite !" Any good?" asks our popular Prince, who always comes to the Veteran of Veterans for the straight tip.( "How about his feet P 'f "Sir," I said, "though ridden by Webb, he is not web-footed." H.R.H. took the tip, and went off screaming with laughter. || What do you think of my chance?" asks Tom Cannon. 'You are up on Geologist?' I replied. "Well, a geologist breaks stones, and if you get stone broke, why "But he wouldn't stop for the finish; and why he didn t fall off with laughing, puzzles me now. "Ha, ha!" I say, as 1 recognise Mr. Legh. "You are the best dressed man on the course; but with a Teddy Weevee to train, and a Tommy Glover, Six Buttoned Glover to ride, you ought to be well groomed." When he hadrecovered I said, "Be careful about your horse Sir Charles, he ii if he don't win, you will be out of prosperity too.: is out of Prosperity, and That knocked him fairly. "Dame Durden is an old catch, my Lord," says I, "and if Cameliard or Town Moor wins, it will be-a great catch for the Durdans," but though I hit "Rosey" in the ribs with my umbrella, he did not see it. He is a Scotchman. "So you are going to pink us Britishers," is my cheering remark to Pinct/s, the American trainer. "We are going to court fortune with Iroquois and Barrett, and ." "You are right! Court fortune? Why Wilson Barrett's fortune at the Court ," but he was off, and has probably telegraphed my quip to the New York Herald by now. Hats off to the Duchess of Montrose! Hooray for the All Scarlet! "Duchess, what is the mystery about St. Louis f" I ask. "What is the secret P" "Lady Audley's Secret," replies her Grace. "Lady Audky, I may as well say, is the dam of St. Louis." "Your Grace," I said, "I don't think St. Louis ever said such a word in his life." She was about to reply when They're off! They're off! Capital start! First- rate! Now Gentlemen! Hate off, hats off! Archer close to the rails! Bravo pink and black-cap! No; chocolate and red cap wins! Orange jacket, purple belt and cap romps in! Why blue straw facing, blue cap simply rolls in! It is a hay-stack to a hen on cherrv. black hoops on sleeves, black cap and gold tassel! White ana blue spots wins in a canter! Primrose hoops, rose cap wins for a million! All scarlet wins. All scarlet wins! And the great race is over, and the first to congratulate the Duchess on winning another Derby is the Veteran of Veterans, the first to shake hands with Lord Rosebery and say how glad he is that "Rosey" has done it at last, is the V.V., the first to embrace Mr. Legh upon having effaced his Sir Joseph fiasco, is the Veteranest, the first to cry "Bravo, Mr. Gretton!" is the V.V., the first to cable to America giving the glad news that the Yankees have won their first Derby is the Veteran of Veterans, if his nephew hasn't got there before him. THE MEETING OF THE "WATERS." How do the Waters come down on the Public? Here they come bouncing, All rivals denouncing, "Untradesmanlike falsehoods " tremendously trouncing. Swearing that hurt is meant By foe's advertisement; Publio ear stuffing, And rubbish be-puffing. Greek meeting Greek—in the crackjawish names of 'em; Polyglot rot setting forth bogus claims of 'em. Loquaciously gassing Of merits surpassing, Phosphates and carbonates, jargon empirical Blazoning each pseudo-medical miracle, Taunting and vaunting, Their praises loud chaunting, And bothering and pothering, And boasting, and posting On hoardings and boardings Their pictures and strictures, And much advertising, And circularising; Till one wishes the roar Of these Waters were o'er, And votes the whole business no end of a bore. Name! The religious world has been again lecturing the thea- trical world, evidently under the impression that they are converting the Heathen; and the theatrical world is rather offended at this want of respect for their calling. The theatrical world might probably command more respect for itself if it showed, in one important point, a better ex- ample. While eminent actors and actresses are ashamed. to play except under assumed names, the profession they follow so ably but timidly must not grumble if it is occa- sionally misunderstood and misrepresented. The alias is generally used only by the criminal classes. Con. from Tunis. — Q. What colour would Frenoh sport-men bet against just now ?—A. The Bey. EST To Cosbbsfosdijis.—Tin EdUor dot* not hold himself bound to aehumledge, return, or pay/or Conlriliviioni. In no com can theu H returned unlas aaompaxitd by • stamped and directed envelope. Copies should be kepi. June 11, 1881.] 265 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ROO-"TOO-TOO"-IXG IT. "G. A. S." in his Echoes tells us an anecdote of what two little black-stocking-s said when seeing the ^Esthetes at the Prince of "Wales's Theatre. Here's an- other nannygoat. Mamma and two daughters, all quite too ut- terly Too-Too, sat in the Stalls, and after expressing a languid monosyllabic interest in the play, said, one to the other, " Such too absurd people can't possibly exist in what we know as ' real life.'" Mamma observed that Mrs. Mur- ray as Lady Tompkins, was a "monstrous abnormalism." The youngest ventured to remark that she had heard of a certain de- signing person called Mr. Du Maurier, who caricatured " The Beautiful" in a Philistine jour- nal called Punch: and then the three having settled, during the entr'acte, that the entire dra- matis persona were but " the gro- tesque reflections of a deformed, cracked, and blurred mirror," composed themselves to listen to the remainder of the piece with painful, joyless pleasure. The Bee-Division. A swarm of bees appeared in the Strand last week, and col- lectedclose to the stage-door of the Gaiety Theatre. Mr.TEGETMEiER was sent for, and he succeeded in hiving them with little difficulty. Later on in the evening the usual swarm of stage-door loungers assembled at the same place, ob- structing the traffic and causing a public scandal. The police au- thorities were sent for—not for the first time—and they declined to remove the nuisance. Negotia- tions are pending with Mr. Teget- meter to restore the bees, mixed with a few wasps and hornets. PUNCH'S FANCY PORTRAITS.-NO, 35. "A HALL! A HALL!" Borneo and Juliet. Quotation from the Bard ap- plicable to Mr. Charles Hall, the Prince of Wales's Attorney- General for the Duchy of Corn- wall, lately added to the splendid collection of Legal Silk Worms, and made a d.C. Aha! "How dost thou, Charlfs?" vide the Bard—toujour* the Bard —in As You Like It. But Wil- liam did not write the following lines, which just now are far more appropriate:— "And ye shall walk in silk attire, And siller ha'o to spare." Would that, for the sake of the Bar and the Duchy, the author of this had been Bab-ry Cornwall. That woidd have been perfect. But it cannot be so—'tis too late —he hien, voild tout! e'est a dire,—That's Hall! THE MARQUIS OF WATERFORD. And did you never hear of a jolly young Waterford? Ask at the Carlton, and then you will know; A thorough good sportsman—he can time and thought afford As Judge of the horses at Islington Show. Elegance with. Economy. The Rational Dress Society has great raison d'etre. What can be much more reasonable than trying to promote individual taste, in the choice of attire; to improve feminine costume with respect to health, comfort, and beauty; and to limit the fashions to changes requisite on those grounds alone? Fathers and husbands, and bache- lors also of moderate means who would fain marry but fear to, think how considerably domestic happiness would be cheapened by the success of the Rational Dress Society—granted its real ration- ality and the entire difference of its Associates, in that point, from those ancient Bloomers whose grotesque attempts at Dress Reform were as blossoms nipped in the bud. NOTES FROM THE DIARY OF A CITY WAITER. Robert on the Thames. I don't think I was ever so thorowly disapinted and disgusted in all my life as I was last week, and I reelly was not so shoct as I no doubt ought to ha' been, when I herd a werry rispectable but egsited Waterman observe, "if this sort of thing's a going to be aloud, the sooner we has a sangwinary revolution the better! A werry old friend of mine is what I should call a reglar desperate fishmonger. I don't mean a Billingsgate cormorant nor a Charing Cross Grove, but a man who gives hisself up art and sole to catching fishes in the water. Well, he asked me the other day to go and have a day's fishing with him, witch of course I was only too glad to except, as a change of life is always agreeable. Well, we went by train to a nice clean little plaice quite beyond Stains, and there we hired a Punt, and off we set, and my friend having arranged all the tackling, there we sat for about 2 hours, watching the flotes, I think they calls 'em, bobbing up and down in the water, and 'tho' it warn't howdashusly egsiting, as we didn't get more than 2 nibbles and 1 bite, yet still, as the sun was a shining like one a clock, and the banks of the river was that lovely that you might almost think that it was just a little bit of Paradise left out as a sample, specially as Ned hadn't forgot to put an Amper on board with lots of cold beef and a gallon of beer, I enjoved myself quite as much as if I 'd din a dining off the Poultry near Cornhill. Well, about 4 o'clock it begun to cloud over, and then it begun to mizzle, and I natrally thort that, as the wulgar say, we should mizzle too, but Ned said oh no, that was just wot we wanted to make the fiBh bite, for it seems they are such precious fools that they think that no sensible fellow would ever be Buch a Ideot as to set in a wet boat in the pouring rain just for the chance of catching a few her- rings, and a moral certainty of catching cold. And so it turned out, for by the time we had both got jolly well wet through, the fish began to bite like fun oh, and I had iust hooked my first 'un, quite a beauty, nearly 6 inches long I should think, when a Gent, on one of the lawns that runs down to the river, shouts out to us, "Now then, you fellers, just you be off with you, or I '11 spile your sport for you." Of course we treated him with all the contemp one can manage to show when one 's wearing a Sow Wester and is wet through. So what did he do but calls up a large New Foundling Dog, and throw- ing a stick into the water close to our punt, sends in the Dog to fetch it out! Well, to shorten my tail, there was no use our fishing no more after that, so, wet as we was, we iust showered a few blessings on that Gent's honerd head, to which I added a pious ope that I might some day have the honner of waiting upon him at dinner, wen p'raps he 'd hardly know which was the reel waiter of the 2, and so to town, just in time for a grand Bangwet at the Fishmongers Haul. This is a plane unlackerd tail of wot took plaice only last week, and now comes the only little bit o' consolashun I has in eluding to it. I sumtimes hears, but oftner reads, a tax upon the old Coppera- tion: with that of course I 've nothink to do as it isn't in my Hue, and I 'm naterally predejuiced in their favour from my perfeshnal avacations. But I'm axshally told by Brown, who has it from a Mr. Ledger (he ort to be a Marchant or a sporting man with that name he ort) that the Copperation has promised as they Tl look into this matter, and if any amount of trubble, or money, or law, can put a stopper on it, or rayther as I should say in it, it shall be done. Well, if that's how they spends their leisure time and their sur- plice cash, fust in saving open spaces and then in saving open rivers, why all I can say is, I believes there are tens of thousands of Lou- doners who will jine me in saying, "More power to their elbow!' (Signed) Robert. vol. lxjlx. A 4 .266 [June 11, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE FOURTH OF JUNE AT ETON. jfL & Ot- ^j^jjr^bp-Ty-w. 2M WM ML 5 7t ,*S!? are-once more! After many roving years, how sweet it is to come to"—yes, my dear-tins beautiful spot, "by the side of a murmuring stream, where an elderly gentleman sat"— pSt,W wiST T mi mJ daAy' ,maJtn, 8ex? \ am.in high sP""its and Poetical" to-day-ihis is the Playing Fields Lovely!! Aye, rather! Under that shady avenue we used to take our tea. I "La V* !?y de".,pccause it comes naturally-as a matter of fact, you had nothing to do with it, T^HtJ? means "we boys." "Did I take tea there?" Yes, I did. Nc-I tell aTfib-I did not I carried tea there, and hot water, and rolls and butter. "And didn't eat them?" No, I did not 3"1' J*&> do n»r Jud«e ^e boy by the man the man is son to the boy, I admit, but the boy was a fag, and it was his master's tea, and rolls and butter, and iced strawberry mess. Sybarites I ShonHn^Fi?lLVOr1^llty;1,lt " m *■ /& Pen P?*..my dear' is the Cricket Ground-the Uppe bnooting 1" lelds, 1 think thev were called: thnmrh nf tliU <,»,z>m !_^;>*„„„„ „f *: t _.;n _.,. _f.r for it. Hero we .Eleven?" No, I .„ llnh *J£L K°b' n°* I ?TY ?°t f w lid£ ^eitb:er *»" ^mo^t "nor thir^'oncera'an' Tobe a~Dry Bob, was to be a cricketer; to be a Wet Bob, was to go in for the river. "And you did?" I did: m every way In all the school my dear, there was no better fellow at a rat's-header off the von™e?dder tf Cuoko° Ware than was your own Junius^ Ware7? 1FSffltil!T? * l»Sf^ Wa? " "J"1811, tributary <* the Thames. Why " Cuckoo »iwti i, i Sju*6" SweetJ9ne. Know then, 'tis now some three hundred years ago • JES „f r l^W dld y°» 85yu? Very 7eU then' no tower °n earth shall induce me to unfold the situated W^ hTTe' my d°ar' arT 9" HWfr Sh«^ Fields' *here SixpCy waS ?remhfd? W„ 7tWP? Y?A ^^^ m7 J"1"1 * d?Jn0t kmW' but here We used to fight. You tremble? Nay-there is no danger now. I never did want to fight, but, by jingo! if I had-how- £™i M° n°t intend commencing pugilism at this period of my existence; no, notthougha hundred lowest boys from the lowest depths of Lower School should rush forth to dare me to the rni&Tfi^JTr».?ered**11Ttiie Head Master-: here the Provost and Fellow8- There is the College Library (I beheve-for I have never seen it myself)-" What! not studious! » Mv dear pprfeoH-T'wt^3 * bouf.htthe«i. This door is open: come through the cloister.* Isn't this perfect!!! Isn t this monastic! I Look at that little monk of fourteen in turn-down foliar the June 11, 1881.] 267 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. neatest possible jacket, and an undeniable tall hat. "Were ever turn-down collars, tall hats, and short jackets brought to such perfection as they are at Eton? Never. But taste tliis lovelv cold water from the College Pump! Ah! how often have I been "fagged" to fetch water from this pump for my master's butter and refreshment! Hark! the Guards' Band is discoursing Olivette in the Playing Fields—the Music-playing Fields. Let them throng thither. I have something to show thee, my dear —something mysterious! Come I Come! Ah I the School-yard !—the boys with their admiring sisters! Here 's Henry's Holy Shade in the centre, surrounded by iron railings. "Which Henry?" Let me see .... I ought to know; but I confess I don't, unless I first look at the inscription, which, I regret to say, is in Latin. "But you learnt Latin I" Of course I did; and Greek, too ... . and "what is the result"? Why, my dear, I '11 show you, entre nous, what often was the result, if you'll just step—nobody's looking—inside here—this little door. This is " Chambers." No, not where Cham- bers' Journal was first brought out. A very different sort of journal was kept here. But step up-stairs—softly, quietly .... Do you see that cupboard? . . . . hush .... you tremble? Yes, we are Fatima and Anne—and I 'm Fatima with the key—and—you don't see anyone coming, do you? Good—so—hush!—" What amldoing?" You shall see—there There is the Blue Chamber!! "It's only a cupboard." No, it isn't. Peer in. Closer—closer—don't be afraid. Horror! You faint! Ha! What have you seen? Fifteen birch-rods, all in a row.'.'.'. . . . Hush .... Shut it—quick !— Has the key changed colour ?—No There—we breathe and smile again; and now—one step more .... to the Block. "I 've seen the Block in the Tower ;" and you 've read of the Block in the House of Commons, and of Mr. Gladstone's Axe. This is some- thing more terrible. The punishment for the full-grown traitor on that historic block was the exact opposite of the punishment of the youthful villain on this. Do you understand me, Madam? In Elizabethan days the exe- cutioner with one cut on the neck .... I see' I need not explain any further. "Who is the Executioner here?" The Head Master. . . . My dear, there is a deep irony in the name .... Come, let us through this door. We are in the Upper School Look—come quick, or there will be thousands crowding round the spot, and you will never be able to see what now you can behold at your ease—your husband's name carved on the wall the night before his being led to the Block!! See, 'tis on the Middle Desk! .... To that spot there will be pilgrimages, and cheap trains for New-Zealand excur- sionists. Now for lunch. Open House everywhere. Hospitality, thy name at this present moment and for us is James. Then we will lounge, and I will tell thee more stories of my boyhood. Here is "The Wall." Here is Barnes Bridge. "Why 'Barnes?'" I don't know, except that I always connected it with a pastrycook of that name, who, haying a shop within the precincts of Eton College, built this bridge to connect his business with the town. It may not be spelt " Barnes," it mav be "Barns," or it may be "Bairns Bridge;" i.e., the Boys' Bridge. I know not. Here are ilSock" Shops. ''Sock" means sweeties, and stuffing generally. The verb "to Sock" is active and passive: never neuter, and seldom reflective. You andl have "Socked" at James's. Here is "Tap "—where we weren't allowed to go, and went. Here is the "Christopher," in an excel- lent state of preservation. No—I have nothing to tell you about this—there are no Tales of my Landlord (or my Landladies) just now—as we must hie to the Brocas, and see the splendidly-attired boys start in the boats for Surly Hall. "Why ' Surly'?" Don't know, any more than I did about Barnes, as there is nothing surly about the place, as everything is jovial there, and it is only associated with festivities. There was a sulky water- man on the Thames called Hall, invariably chaffed by the boys as "Surly Hall "—but I don't think he gave his name to this property; indeed I fancy it must have been the other way. Off they go! Off we go! Fireworks to finish a glorious day, the last of a glorious week! Back again to Town—and alas!—to worse "Fagging" than ever one went through at Eton. So—Floreat Etona! DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS-THE WAY TO PLEASE THEM. Miss Lavinia Sopchj {to the Hon. Fitz-Lavcnder Belairs, who, at her urgent request, has just been explaining how, in spite of his tender years, he has come to be- in her estimation at least, the greatwt Painicr, Poet, and Musician of his time). "Oh, MOKE, MORE, MORE ABOUT YOURSELF!" Place fob ^Esthetes to Live.—Too-Too-ting. PROFESSIONAL UGLIES. A contemporary—we need not mention its name, but when we state that it is generally acrid and spiteful, we have said enough—in speaking of the Anti-Bradlaugh Demonstration at Exeter Hall, says that "the followers of Mr. Bbadlaugh were at once known by their demoniacally ugly faces." Mr. Bradlaugh's warmest adherents cannot claim for him the possession of beauty, and in that respect his comparing himself to John Wilkes was singularly felicitous. But we trust that when we pick up open papers'in future, we shall not read:— Mr. Gladstone entertained a party to dinner last night, composed solely of Radical Members of Parliament. This could easily be told by the greedy, hungry faces of the guests, their unbrushed hair, and their badly made trousers.—Standard. Lord Salisbury entertained a party of Conservative Politicians at Hatfield yesterday, who were generally mistaken by the intelligent for a private lunatic asylum out for a holiday, so vacant and vacuous were their faces. Of course, Lord Salisbury knew his guests, and his guests knew Lord Salisbury; but for our part, if Lord Salisbury were to ask us to Hatfield, and substitute for the well-known silver, electro-plate, we should knock Lord Salisbury down.— Daily Neics. "HEADS, WE WIN!" In looking over the Metropolitan figures of the last Census, it is satisfactory to find that "slums," if not absolutely abolished, have been much reduced in number and population. St. Giles's, Holborn, the Strand, Shoreditch. White- chapel, St. George's-in-the-East, and Westminster show a considerable reduc- tion of heads compared with 1871, while the half-rural suburbs of Hackney, Bethnal-Green, Mile End, and Poplar, show an enormous increase in this direction. London has grown a round million during the last twenty years, and has over three millions and eight hundred thousand inhabitants. With a popu- lation nearly equal to that of the whole of Ireland, it has hardly one-tenth of the Irish Parliamentary representation, and on every question affecting its domestic comfort—the hours of closing and opening its taverns, the licensing of its amusements, and the brightness or gloom of its Sundays—it is out-voted by every miserable puritanical Little Peddlington, which returns one, and in some cases two Members for a few hundred voters. This is what is called Legislation in the English language—a language that has no equal for elasticity on the face of the globe. 2C8 [Junk 11, 1881. PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI. IROQUOIS. The Yankee came down with Ions; Fred on his hack, And his colours were gleaming: with cherry and black. He flashed to the front, and the British Star paled, As the field died away, and the favourite failed. Like the leaves of the summer when summer is green, The faces of Peregrine's backers were seen; Like the leaves of the autumn when autumn is red, Flushed the cheeks of the Yanks as their champion led. Iroquois. !!!—then the shoutings shook heaven s blue dome, As the legs of the Tinman safe lifted him home. Oh, A was an Archer, A 1 at this fun. And A was America too,—and A toon! And B was the Briton who, ready to melt, A sort of aj'e ne tais {Iro)-quois felt, To see his Blue Riband to Yankeeland go, B too, none the less, was the hearty " Bravo!" Which, per Punch, he despatched to "our kin o'er the sea," Who, for not the first time, get the pull of J. B. The Brokers of Wall Street are loud in delight, And the belles of New York grow more beamingly bright; Fizz creams like the foam of the storm-beaten surf, To Jonathan's triumph on John's native turf. And Punch brims hit beaker in Sparkling Champagne, Your health, Brother J.! Come and beat us again! And cold grudge at a victory honestly scored , Melts away like the snow when the wine is outpoured. Where every detail is supposed to be fixed by the weightiest authority, we confess we were very anxious to see what the Meiningen School made of Shakspeare's direction for Scene 2, Act II., "Thunder and lightning. Enter Ccesar in his nightgown." The very first lines show that the Bard meant that Julius—we had very nearly written Sir Julius—had just got out of bed hurriedly, his rest having been spoilt by Calphurnia s talking in her sleep—so very annoying; granting, however, that the "night-gown" was the robe de chambre, yet to our eagle eye there wasn't much difference between it and his day-gown, and it was of such a briUiant colour as must have given Calphurnia fits on seeing it for the first time. But why did Julius Ccesar go to bed in his crown of golden laurel-leaves? Was he such a conceited snob that he couldn't bear the idea of being taken at a disadvantage by some indiscreet domestic, and of not being always a hero, even to his valet de chambre? Why did he sleep in that crown? Hasn't the Bard expressly said, "Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown," and no wonder Julius couldn't get a wink of sleep with that stupid thing on his head, let alone Calphurnia talking blank-verse in ner sleep. The finishing scenes were weak, and actually people yawned over THEORY AND PRACTICE. "Sir Wilfrid is quite right. It is demoralising, it paralyses the business of the country, it provokes thirst, it encourages intoxica- tion." Such were our old friend Jones's sentiments on the Monday before the Derby, in the presence of his dear wife—who had brought him a fortune and was a trifle older than himself, which had brought wisdom; she was also a member of a strict Scotch Presbyterian Temperance Society, which suggested prudence. "Besides, my dear," he added, "I have business of the utmost importance to attend to on that day, and so," &c, &c. • ••••• We saw him again—only once. "We saw him for a moment, But methinks we see him now," with a false nose on, three dolls in his white hat (smashed), and trying to play a tin trumpet as an accompaniment to two other idiots similarly attired, in a broken-down fly, lying by the roadside on the way home from the Derby, June 1. The nose fell off, and we recog- nised our old friend Jos es. "Always the same—Banjo and Bones !— always the same—with your old friend Jones!" he tried to sing out as we passed and left him under the watchful eye of the turnpike- keeper and a policeman. GOING TO THE BARD-IN GERMAN. The Theatrical Event of the past week has been the appearance of the Meiningen Company at Drury Lane. The mise-en-scene of Julius Ccesar was very nearly perfect: marred only by the two interiors, Scene 2, of Act II., in Ccesar's House, and Scene 3, Act IV., in the tent of Brutus, the latter especially belonging to that peculiar branch of theatrical art known as Skelt's Scenes for Toy Theatres, twopence coloured, familiar to childhood's days. Had it been the Dutch Com- pany instead of the German, the taste for "the Skelt " style would have been intelligible—at least, such is the opinion of his Excellency Le Baron Osr d'Anvers, who may be considered a thoroughly im- partial critic. In the scenes where what the Bard calls "the rabble" are shown, the Meiningen stage-management is simply admirable, and the effect in the celebrated funeral-oration situation was really thrilling. Great praise is due to Herr Baenat (is he an Irishman in disguise't there's a sort of bedad twang about "Barnay" that sounds sus- picious) for his acting throughout this scene from first to last. Ccesar (Richakd), and Cussius (Teller), were both good, specially Cassius. The one idea of these Actors in this piece, excepting always Misther Barnay (more power to his elbow! though the wish is superfluous) is evidently—Happy Thought—" when in doubt, strike an attitude. We are nothing if not classical and strictly correct." The assassination of Ccesar was very impressive. It had the appearance of each of the conspirators wishing to whisper a good joke to Ccesar, and separately enforcing the point with a dig in the ribs from a stick or an umbrella or whatever might come handiest. But all the killing and suiciding—and there's plenty of it in Herr Shakm'eare's play—is awkward and ludicrous. The fine bold Roman Hand. the Bard!! Positively some left soon after Mark Antony's great scene, but these were evidently among the poor uneducated occupiers of the Stalls who shouted enthusiastically for " Author! Author. And in response, Herr Barnay—a broth of a boy, this Babnay, and ready for any divilment, begorra!— brought in a small gentleman in evening-dress, being the nearest approach to Shakspeabe who could be found handy and without a costume at the shortest possible notice. Those who did not believe that this was Shakspeare himself —who had been translated—as- serted that it was the Duke of Saxe - Meiningen, and cheered him to the echo. For ourselves, we frankly confess to not having the remotest notion who it was, and we didn't care—but we ap- plauded wildly. In the last Act, when there was evidently going to be some nasty fighting at Philippi, an elderly lady sitting just behind us. seeing the soldiers rush out excitedly, put both her hands to her ears as she murmured nervously to a gentle- man, " Oh, I do hope there won't be any firing!" The gentleman, a well - informed person evidently, replied that "he didn't think there would be any firing,"—but his tone was neither confident nor reassuring. _ _ We saw 'Twelfth Night performed by the Meiningens, but, as we didn't think anything of it, we shan't say anything about it. 2 propos of Authors, a new one made his debut, M. Charles Buet (who made his de-but, eh f) at the Porte St. Martin last Saturday week, with the drama of Le Pretre, which is within an ace oi being a very great success on account of the telling situation in the last Act but one, and the powerful though somewhat exaggerated acting of MM. Taillade and Laray, as Patrice the Priest, and Jiobert "Author! Author!" June 11, 1881.] 269 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. rassassin du pere de Patrice. The female interest is, however, weak, and the comic portions should be cut out wholesale. Mr. Byron's Punch at the Vaudeville is disappointing. When he got this Punch in his eye, our clever and popular Author was expected to do something with such a favourite subject that would surpass or at least equal his Our Boys, Upper Crust, and so forth. But, good as Mr. David James is, and capital as is much of the dialogue, there is really so little story, so little interest, and so little distinctive "Punch-and- Judiness" about the play, that, except for the title, the hero might have been a "galanty- showman," the proprie- tor of a "peepshow," a conjuror, or a provider of fireworks. Mr. James as Profes- sor Mistletoe—with his delightfully character- istic "Mistletoe bow," which he makes with a jerk of the head and a kick of the leg,—and Mr. Fabben as the self- made man, are simply Mr. Middlewick in two—a split B. and S.—only the soda is in excess of the spirit. The tour de force at the end of Act II. shows Mr. James at his best, and this is the success of the piece. La Boulangere is bright and sparkling at the Globe. Miss Amadi good as the Bakeress; Miss Wadman (from the Gaiety) coming out strongly as a singeress; and Miss Maud Taylor the most perfect little Louis Quinze, about whose per- formance there is something so fresh, graceful, and refined, that it is well worth a visit to La Boulangere to see a small part played by a small person of whom there is so little that an audience Professor Mistletoe saluting his Brother with- out the politeness of a "Mistletoe Bow." LA BoULANGERB. A French r6lt — rather "Crummy." Toinette and the pretty little King; or the Fifteenth Loo, and rendy to take Miss. can't make too much of her. She has a dangerous rival, in Paris at the Folies Dramatiques, who also plays the same little King in Les Poupees de VInfante, an opera which, we suppose, will be produced here in the course of the year. Mr. Toole is amusing tout le monde—" Toole monde," of course— at the Folly with his new absurdity, Welsh Rabbits. A provos, as we have a French Company, a German Company, and two Italian (Opera) Companies, why not a Welsh Company'( Shakspeare in Welsh! Now, Mr. Ap-Habbis, advertise that for 1883, and we may be 'Appy yet! Whether in German or English, if Julius Casar were a modern play by a modern Author, would it stand a chance of any Manager undertaking its production? Is it a play " for a nineteenth century audience?" No; it is a Chronicle in action for a sixteenth century audience. And a nineteenth century audience says with Christo- pher Sly, "Avery excellent piece of work, Madame Lady, would 't were done," and. then nods in his Cobbler's Stall. Well, perhaps it 'a "Bard taste" on the part of the nineteenth century. A SELF-EVIDENT SELL. On the Derby Day was laid the foundation-stone of a College at Cambridge in honour of Geobge Augustus Yes! the surname begins with "S." Of course everyone who reads the Illustrated London Netcs guesses—eh ?—the name is ... . Selwyn! A SENATORIAL DIARY. (Very much in the Future.) Vabious London Correspondents of provincial newspapers have been lately publishing " rumours emanating from authentio sources," to the effect that Mr. Gladstone contemplates resigning the post of Chancellor of the Exchequer to Mr. Childebs or Sir W. Habcouet, and accepting a Peerage. In profound horror at the thought, Mr. Punch feels bound to publish a prospective page from the future diary of the Pbemieb in the Senate. Monday.—Go down to the Peers for the first time. Brimful of subjects; have just composed a capital Peroration to my speech on Thames Water Bill: also evasive and diplomatic answers to (pro- bable) questions on Transvaal, Afghanistan, Ireland, &c.: also my list of arguments for the new scheme for making repentant burglars eligible for election to the Upper House of Convocation. 6 p.m.—Arrive at House. Doors shut! Ask policeman why. Policeman very respectful: says House has risen an hour ago: and it only met at four! I ask, what has happened to Thames Water Bill? Policeman doesn't know, but rather thinks Lord Redesdale "put it under the Woolsack: " offers to lend me even- ing paper to see what did happen to Bill. Accept offer with thanks. Bill read a Second Time without discussion! And this is called a Deliberative Assembly! Wonder if Granville did the diplomatic and evasive answers. Drop into Peers' Gallery of House of Commons. Splendid and refreshing shindy going on. Randolph more perky, if possible, than usual. Paenell badgering Forsteb. Habtjngton hitting out splendidly with his left. Wish I were there! Find myself constantly catching Speakee's eye: must really get over this habit. Leave House, and go to see Ieving in Othello instead. Tuesday.—Take luncheon down to House, as I am determined to be in good time to-day: old lady sweeping out the Gilded Chamber, seems surprised to see me sitting here. 4 p.m.—Question-time, but no questions! Feel inclined to ask myself a lot. This comes of there being no Home-Rulers in Upper House. Who is it who says, " Oh, for one hour of Dandolo!" Don't know, think it was Byeon. Oh, for only Aa^-an-hour of Healy! Wonder if Healy would accept a Peerage on condition of coming down here and badgering me with questions every evening. Must sound him about it. Is that a Bishop that I see fast asleep a long way off at the end of that empty bench r Am just thinking of making a personal explanation, or asking a few questions (without notice) of Lords Salisbuey, Ceanbrook, Lytton, &c, when—House rises! I ask Geanville, bitterly, if Peers are always like this. He smiles, and says something about "a pleasant change after worry of Lower Chamber." Hopes it will give me "mental repose!" To Peers' Gallery of Commons again. Dear old Chaplin making no end of a shindy. Should hardly have known Sir Stafford: he has become ever so much more vivacious since I left House. Find myself crying silently several times when I think of my House of Commons days. Can't stand it any longer. Go off to Exeter Hall, and preside over a Children's Tea-Party: "to such base uses," &c. Several times on the point of calling the Superintendent of the children "the Right Honourable Lady!" Must really conquer this habit. Thursday.—Note from Editor of Nineteenth Century: another from Editor of Contemporary. Both say "my articles very good, but too many of them. Ask me to send them "not more than one article a week," as their space is limited. Happy Thought—Write a Novel. Will think about it, and try. Another letter—from Lytton. Promises to ask me a question to- night about ftuettah! Good fellow, Lytton! Wish I hadn't opposed him so about Candahar, &c. 5 p.m. — House. Attendance as usual — scanty, but dignified. Thanks to dear old Lytton, have got out my diplomatic and evasive reply about Afghanistan at last. There were quite three Peers lis- tening to it,—a more than average audience, Granville assures me. We all three then go off to dinner, and House rises for another fort- night. 7 p.m.— Can't help it. Back in Commons—Peers' Gallery—as before. Fancy Habttnoton doesn't like my being here and sending him constant tips as to what answers to give, arguments to use, &c. Does he feel in a position of greater freedom and less responsibility when I 'm not here, I wonder r Don't know. Chaplin sparring with Harcourt to-night. Does it gloriously. Find myself saying, "Go it, Chaplin 1 " aloud every now and then. Usher doesn t seem to like it. Know I shall get up and address the House before long. Query, would Gosset turn me out if I did? Listen to Chaplin for two happy hours. Never thought I should get to like Chaplin as much as I do. Would he accept Peerage, I wonder? Next Morning, or soon after.—Have resigned Peerage! Hurrah! Never felt so happy. Couldn't stand it any longer. "Better fifty hours of Healy, than any amount of the Upper Chamber. Pass on title to Herbert, go a trip in Grantully Castle, give up Nineteenth Century and Contemporary, stand for Northampton, and there I am! 370 [Jlkk 11, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. (Dinner hasjiuit been announced.) Hester and Billy (sadly). "Good night, Sir. IFs'yz got to qo to Bed." Distinguished Professor (who is taking doom the Hostess). "All, MY dear.", that 's WHERE we 're ALL WisuiNO WE WERE!' THE "BETTING" LAND. (Xew Version of " The Better land.") I tikar thee speak of the " Betting" Land,— Thou callest its dwellers a sportive band. Is it where the turf is all worn away, And they stand upon stools and shout numbers all day? Is it where all the crowd carry bags and books, Are so loud in their dress and so wild in their looks? Where the men, like the legs of their trousers, seem " tight," And the language is much the reverse of polite? Where they blend manhood's favourite "Dig big D," With that friend of our infancy " bouncing B "? Is it where they all talk—be these " figures of fun " ?— Of " fifties to hves," "two-to-one-bar-one," And other obscure arithmetical larks? Where one's fogged by their idiomatic remarks About " welching " and " roping" and " putting the pot on," And "laying their shirts," which all seem of striped cotton? Is it where rustic joskins and shop-boys crowd, And where even the women for tips" are loud? Where, in fact, all the world appears utterly mad, Whether frenziedly joyous or savagely sad r It is there, it is there, my child! Derby Dialogue. "Beautiful view!" exclaimed a novice at the Derby as he stood on the hill-side, "but it's curious that one doesn't see any gentle- men's residences about; no country seats, no ""Take my glasses, my boy!" interrupted his sporting friend; "look straight across, and you '11 see Ajucheb's Seat and Abcher's Mount. That's good enough for me." PAID JUSTICE'S JUSTICE. If Mr. Vattgtian, the Police Magistrate of Bow Street, were to go to Evans's, which is absurd, as Evans's is closed, and while eating his supper there was called names, pulled by the nose, and playfuUy tapped over the head with a walking-stick, what would nappen? This. If the Proprietor of Evans's were to take Mr. Vacghan's part, and on behalf of quiet and order were to eject himself or com- mand his servants to eject the bullying disturbing person or persons, the reward he would meet the next morning at Bow Street would be a severe reprimand for taking the law into his own hands, and for not having called the police in. If Mr. Newton, the Police Magistrate of Marlborough Street, were to go to the Restaurant du Globe, in Coventry Street, which is absurd, for all Magistrates go home to their tea as soon as their work is done, and, while eating his supper there, was seized by his whiskers, hit in the eye, and kicked over the shins, what would happen? This. If the Proprietor of the Restaurant du Globe were to take Mr. New- ton's part, and on behalf of quiet and order were to ask the police to eject the bullying, disturbing person or persons, the reward he would meet the next morning at Marlborough Street would be a severe reprimand for calling the police in, and for not having taken the law into his own hands. The above are deductions from facts reported in the columns of the Daily Telegraph of May 8, 1879, and May 25, 1881, respectively. Moral.—Is there one? WeU, to be kindly after the Derby, sup- pose we say that the moral is not to be too hard on unpaid Magis- trates while two such instances of self-stultification on the part of Stipendiary Justices are on record. Let us be charitable! Fashions no Rations.—Certain battalions of the Militia are about to " be assimilated to battalions of the regular Army as regards lace and frogs." Are "frogs" to be on the menu of every mess? Ah! Waterloo is avenged—or nearly. June 11, 1881.] 273 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ta^L'W VACCINATION." (A Derby Week Reminiscence.) City Clerk (reading letter to Office). "Sorry to say that, havinq been Vac- cinated, I AM COMPELLED TO KEEP MY ARM IN A SlING. THE DOCTOR HAS RECOMMENDED PERFECT QUIET, AS FEVERISH SYMPTOMS HAVE DEVELOPED. So IT IS WITH GREAT RELUCTANCE, &C, &C." Friend. "All eight! That 'll do. I 'll call tor you early, and we 'll be off by an early Train!" "A "WORM AT ONE END, AND A" (Vide Dr. Johnson.) We read in the columns of a suburban—not to say- country—contemporary:— "Those who have tho patience to angle for trout can now have an opportunity of exercising their skill, as there are two very nice fish to be captured, one opposite the Eel Pie Island Hotel, and the other, the larger of the two, opposite Poulett Lodge, the residence of Mr. J. E. Mebk." This is a practical carrying' out of the old tale— "No use your fishing in that river. Sir; it was caught yesterday. And if, thanks to Billingsgate and other idiocies, our fish continue to decrease as rapidly as they are now doing, we shall soon have the sorrow to read :— Brighton.—A fine sole was seen off here this morning. A special train will be run to-day for the convenience of Anglers. So good a chance of sport has not been known for years, and the ardent fishermen of the town are in high spirits. Bournemouth.—BrLL Stokes, the fisherman, says he saw a conger-eel off the Pier yesterday; but as he has not been sober for six years, and is the most mendacious f>erson in this town (which is saying a good deal), very ittle trust is placed in his assertion. Mamsgate.—Messrs. Paternoster and Plummett, the celebrated tackle-makers, declare that while sailing off the North Foreland yesterday, they disturbed two whiting pout. A whole flotilla of boats has set sail, and Messrs. P. & P. have sold out their stock-in-trade at a handsome profit. (Later by Telegram.)—Nothing having been seen of the two fish, a suspicion is growing abroad that their existence is entirely due to the men- dacious statements of Messrs. P. & P. We hope, for the honour of Kamsgate, that none of her tradesmen would have resorted to such a strategy to promote business. (Latest News.)—The mob have wrecked Messrs. P. & P.'s shop, and are now proceeding to duck the proprietors in the harbour. Tenby.—This town has been thrown into a state of wild excitement by the fact of one of our summer visitors having captured a splendid dab weighing at least 3 oz. The church-bells were set ringing, and the Vicar made a touching allusion to the event in his sermon on Sunday, an allusion he will probably consider premature when he discovers that the visitor, whose name is unknown, has quitted Tenby without paying for the beer of the bell- ringers. Rum Reflection on the Rum Tax.- Exchequered existence! -Ah! we lead an NET PROFITS. Something about them—from a Turbot's Diary. "Mr. J. T. Bedford contended that Billingsgate was a melancholy failure from a public point of view, and said that when originally created a market there was no railway, or it would never have been erected at the river-side. He cited instances of deliberate tricks and artifices on the part of the trade to enhance the price of fish, and as an instance of how cheap tish was, he men- tioned the fact that a public orphanage in Kent was supplied direct from Grimsby with assorted fish in season, including cod, at a price of less than twopence per pound."—Report of Meeting of Court of Common Council. 3 a.m.—Like a fool, came up for a spin in the upper current this morning, and managed somehow to get into a net. Hauled in with a large take, and was tumbled with the rest of them into the bottom of a smack, and kept there while they wired up to London to know how many of us were wanted to rig the market properly. Heard some- one say, "Why, Bill, if the Guv'ner wos to send up this 'ere haul, the whole of it,—bless me if they couldn't sell the finest fish you like to pick out at tuppence a pound, and make a good thing of it, too, at the figure." Wonder whether they '11 do it. 4 a.m.—Telegram arrived. Four-fifths of the take to be pitched back into the water. Well, whoever does go back won't get over it, that's all I know about it. Feel melancholy. Catch someone saying, " WeU, a wicked waste I calls it; with meat at elevenpence a pound, and thousands a-starving, to throw away good food like this 'ere!" Say good-bye to my great-grandfather, fifty stray uncles, and the rest of my family (all of 'em done for), and am suddenly packed into a basket and hurried off to a railway-station. 7 a.m.—Find myself in a two-horse waggon, jammed up in a dirty back street, blocked up with carts, barrows, trucks, and vehicles of all kinds, the proprietors of which are all struggling and swearing at each other. Am landed at last opposite a red-brick bazaar. Never was in such a pandemonium before. Pick up from a Stale Sole that it's Billingsgate. Immensely disappointed. 8 a.m.—Am wondering, in low spirits, what I 'm going to fetch a pound, when I find I 've been bought up already with a lot of other fullows, by a sort of recognised brigand, that they call in these parts a "Middleman." As far as we can make out, he has managed to collar the whole lot of us at about threepence a pound, and has sold us to a leading West End tradesman,—no doubt, at a profit. Still keep wondering what I shaU fetch ultimately. On my way West, go up Bond Street, and am chaffed by a lobster in tremendous spirits, who says that he has nearly split himself with laughing at the thought that when he's boiled, he'll fetch seven-and-sixpence. 3 p.m.—Arrive at my destination. Hope I shall cut up well. Am about to be sliced, when I 'm sent off to " Stucco House," wherever that is, for an eight o'clock dinner. Get out of a red mullet, who says he ought to be "three a penny," but has just been entered in the book at one and ninepence, that I am supposed to be "scarce" to-day, and figure at half-a-guinea. Proud, but sad. Pass a hungry beggar on my way, and wish I could let him have a couple of my uncles for fourpence. 8 p.m.—Come to table. Am well walked into by highly distin- guished company—mostly City men who think that, though 85 per ceDt. of all the fish that comes to London is conveyed by train, "Billingsgate does very well where it is." Am put into the larder and finished, suddenly by the cat. Curious. A highly instructive day. To Chaos reflecting. Irish Paradox.—Guilt de facto, and acquittal dejure. 274 [June 11, 1881, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE DERBY OF 188!. (To a Melody popular with the Winners.) Yankee Doodle came to Downs, Iroquois for pony! What a feather in nis cap! And I 've won my money! ^w e Kicking no Murder. This North-Country abomination has extended to London, and Justice, probably unaccustomed to such brutality, has treated it with astounding leniency. A drunken ruffian killed his wife with a kick at the back of her head, having first knocked her half-senseless into the road. The ruffian had the presence of mind to snivel when he was taken into custody, and this weakness possibly recommended him to the mercy of the Judge who tried him. Anyway, he escaped with a few weeks' imprisonment in place of amputation of the feet and five years' penal servitude. It is astonishing what a difference there is in the law when administered by a Coleridge instead of a Hawkihs! Junk 11, 1881.] 275 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. AT THE "PANORAMA." Spectators [delighted). "Beautifully Painted, isn't it! Look there! Who is it? Why, it 's the—of course—what 's-his- Kim the Times Correspondent!!" [Pa's new Hat had fallen down, and he would go and get it I ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. extracted from THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. Monday Night, May 30.—Mitchell Henry not usually reckoned among the dangerous classes of Members of Parliament. He is too plump in person and too uncertain of his grasp on sentences to be formidable. Not infrequently comes down in nis war-paint, and makes ready to run amuck at somebody. But usually very little bloodshed, and much good-humoured laughter owing to his jokes breaking out in the wrong place. To-night showed that it is never safe to disregard an adversary. Mr. Parnell little thought Mitchell Henry would bring him to grief. But he did, hitting out some very smart raps at the proprietor of the Irish Vote. De- lightful air of innocence and absence of intention to mean anything particular by his reference to "gentlemen who, in moments of danger, hide in London and give out that they are in Paris." Ail about Pat Egan, who has been writing a letter denouncing O'Connor Power and other Members as blacklegs, because they did not do as bidden by Mr. Parnell. So ridiculously sensitive, Irish Members! This is only Pat's way of expressing a difference of opinion with his countrymen, and marks the advance of civilisation. A few years ago Pat would have brought his Bhillelagh down on the head of Mr. 0 Connor Power. Now he is content with calling him a blackleg; and. still Mitchell Henry is not happy. O'Connor Power made a fine manly speech, creating some con- sternation in the Land League camp by the production of telegrams, showing how prominent Land Leaguers, whilst abusing the Govern- ment at the top of their voice, whisper solicitations for appointments to Government offices. Curious to notice how the end of it all was that Mr. Parnell posed before the House and Ireland—particularly Ireland—as a down- trodden martyr. Accusations haa been made against hinij and he had been refused a hearing; this after making two speeches, in which he said very little about Mr. Pat Egan, but lamented the untruth- fulness of the Home Secretary. Very clever device this, though growing tedious by reason of repetition. Business done.—Private Bill one hour. Questions two hours. Irish row two hours. Land Bill three hours and a half. More Irish row with incidental voting of Supply two hours. Tuesday Night.—House getting a little aweary with Randolph. Beginning to doubt whether his humour is anything more than impudence, and asks whether, if his father had been a butcher instead of the titled descendant of a great soldier, he would have been tolerated so long. To-night the House hailed with great delight the temporary extinction of his lordlingship by the Solicitor- General. All the more welcome, because unexpected. Mr. John- son, like all his official colleagues who have anything to do with Ireland, has a subdued manner indicative of much mental suffering and reminiscent of many encounters with Mr. Healy and Mr. Callan. Therefore, when to-night Johnson showed that he had in his Dictionary materials for a smart retort, the House surprisingly elated. Randolph had come down to talk about potatoes on a matter-of- fact and well-meant Motion by Major Nolan. Talked for an hour, but chiefly used up the potatoes to shy at Ministers. House bored to death. Tried once or twice to get itself counted out. Speaker interposed with dignified rebuke. Randolph having been chattering for half a hour in phrases connected only by vituperative denuncia- tion of the Government, the Speaker observed with touching dignity, "I understand the Noble Lord rose to Second the Motion; he has not yet approached it." Enough this to shut up an ordinary man. Randolph not an ordinary man. So long as he can keep clear of the penalties which the Speaker may enforce, doesn't care a copper for his rebuke. But he winced when the ordinarily down-trodden Solicitor-General for Ireland "regretted that the Noble Lord had not taken advantage of his travels about Ireland at other people's expense to acquire that knowledge of the subject of the potato which he had taken upwards of an hour to show that he did not possess." Randolph begins to think he must keep his eye on the Solicitor-General for Ireland. Another nuisance of the House's own creation put down to-day. 276 [June 11, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Extinguisher and Snuffer. Mr. Wabton getting a little too noisy of late. No one to blame but the House, which has a tendency, derived from ancient monarchical institutions, to keep its own butt on the premises. Mr. Wabton is a not very intelligent and not always good - mannered person, whom the House tole- rates because he sometimes makes it laugh. But there is laughter and laughter. The House laughs icith some peo- ple, at others. The Member for ISridport in the latter category. Mistaking his precise position, he sometimes attempts to be funny, with disastrous consequences. Interposed to-day with a wooden joke about Wilfrid Lawson having a bet on the Division about the adjournment over the Derby Day, and therefore incapacitated from taking part in the discussion. A most elaborate joke. Doubtless cost him several hours' labour. But the House didn't see it, and the Speaker warned the saddened humorist that there is, after all, a limit beyond which the dignity of the House may not fall. Business done.—Committee on Irish Land Bill resumed. House adjourned over Derby Day. Thursday Night.—If there is a man on whom Mr. Gladstone thought he might count for orderliness and general good conduct, it is James Howard, Member for Bedfordshire. Not without a pang the Premier discovered him at half-past live this afternoon beaming upon the astonished House with a Motion for the Adjournment at Question Time! These irregular Motions always moved "in con- sequence of unsatisfactory answer received from Ministers." Odd thing that the Member invariably knows in advance that the answer will be unsatisfactory, and is able to produce a sheaf of notes, on which he has written down what he shall say thereupon. Mr. Howard had a dreadful story of murder to tell, and opened in quaint old-fashioned style. "Some seven years ago," he began with complaeency and deliberation, as if he were Scheherazade, and the House of Commons were the Caliph of Bagdad, snugly made up for the night to hear his story told. The way Mr. Howaud warmed to his work; the increasing sunny- ness of his counten- ance as he dwelt upon the horrors of "life under the Crown ;" the way in which, in the excitement of the moment, he gradually worked himself out on to the middle of the floor, contrary to all rules, and was relentlessly dragged back by Mr. Dilwyn, only to begin again his advance; the way in which he took the Irish Members into his confidence, when they waggishly called out "Shame!" and "Scandalous!" at portions of his re- cital: the way in which everybody living on this down-trodden estate, dies at ages varying from seventy-six to eighty-five, in- cluding the murdered man; the thrilling nature of the biographical details of Mr. Howard's connection with the Rural Sanitary Autho- rity; the way the House incredulously cried "No! No !" when he mentioned how somebody had "pulled down (or up) twenty or thirty cottages ; " and the burst of cheering which rose when plant- ing his knuckles on his hips, and thrusting his right leg forward, "We must dissemble." (A Scene at Epsom.) he asked whether tenants were to be treated as vassals, and, forsooth! by a Liberal Government," were all delightful to see and hear and almost compensated for the loss of half an hour. Business done.—Committee on Irish Land Bill. Friday— Quite a cheerful afternoon before the holidays. The O'Donoghue began with further interesting inquiries about Lord Kenmare and his tenants. Wanted to make a speech in extension °f his question. Speaker objected; so he moved the adjournment of the House, and got his way. Then Colonel Tottenham appeared on tho scene, and brought his shillelagh down on the head of the Land League. Wanted to know whether there had not been three attempts to murder in the same locality, all attributed to the action of the Land League. Mr. T. P. O'Connor rose to order. No one so anxious for order as an Irish Member. Trembles at the slightest breach. Strong language shocks him, especially and indeed exclu- sively in the mouth of an English Member. Of course it is different with an Irish Member: so T. P. denounced Colonel Tottenham as "mendacious ;" obligingly substituting "inaccurate" in deference to the unaccountable scruples of the Speaker. The O'Kelly, shocked at this weakness, rose and substituted, for "inaccurate," "lying and calumnious." Tho O'Kelly straightway suspended. Room thus made for the gentle Gohst and the rampant Randolph, who danced a wild fling on the floor, dragging the patient Sir Staf- ford round and round, till they made him, too, say bad words. Randolph called the Attorney-General for Ireland a "log," but subsequently explained that he had not meant anything person- ally offensive. A pleasant, useful, dignified sort of an afternoon, ending up at night with some dreary denunciation from Irish Members, and so adjourned for the Whitsun Recess. Business done.—None. Pro Bono Publico. Ere yet you legislate on Local Option 'Tis well to pause. In Westminster, suppose A case which might result from its adoption, Were every Public House compelled to close. High o'er each House of Call, wherein carouses The Working-Man, the House of Commons towers; That biggest of all British Public Houses, The Public House which keeps the latest hours. The Fittest. A listener to Sir John Lubbock's last lecture at the Linnsean Society, said that the Honourable Entomological Baronet ought cer- tainly to be the next Liberal Chancellor of the Exchequer. Pressed for a reason, he replied, "Because he is plainly the greatest living authority on fine ants!!!" ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. Brutus.—"You are wrons," writes Brutus, "in quoting "The harmless necessary cat' as out of Othello. It's from Tht Merchant of Venic: Every idiot knows that." One docs, evidently. Toto.—"The harmless necessary cat"—is undoubtedly to be found in Tht Merchant and not The Moor of Venice. It is almost certain, however, that SHAKsrEAns himself wont to Venice and there became acquainted with both the Moor and the Merchant, which, as is suggested by the frag- ments of tho Half-Folio, was in all probability the title of his first series of Venetian Plays—(1) The Moor and the Merchant; (2) The Moor; (3) The Merchant, of which only the two last have come down to us. Now in these fragments, with which it is a pity students are so imperfectly acquainted, The Moor and the Merchant, "the "tail-less [not harmless] necessary cat" is mentioned by the Moor who wishes to obtain a high price for such a rarity, as was one of the Manx species in those days, from the Merchant Shi/lock who would have given anything to his favourite daughter Desdemona, while he was cruel to his younger child Jessica. The Moor had brought the cat straight from Barbary, into which country its ancestor had been imported by an Englishman, one Richard Whit- tinotoh. The Merchant is frightened, and then the Moor explains that the animal in question is "harmless," and repeats the remainder of the line. The subject is interesting, and when there is so much Moor about just now, we are not surprised at a little wandering. Tommy Toddles.—" The Member for Woodstock is not Ashmead-Bart- lett, and Lord Randolph is not the Member for Eve, as you said he was last week. Was there a little muddle about on the ftill-side on the Derby Day, eh, Old Man?" We repudiate Tommy's insinuation with scorn. The Epigram in question came out before the Derby Day, and our excellent epigrammatist, who went for two fish instead of one, got his lines entangled somehow, and being annoyed with tho obstruction caused by the Members for Eye and Woodstock, evidently lost his temper, and confounded them both. They deserved it. Arcades ambo. But he is better now, and was last seen in an iced punt off Teddington, doddling for chub. 13T To CoTmK^T-oxDXirTs.—The Editor doei not hold hvnxctf bound to acknowledge, return, or pavfor Contributions. In no ease can then be returned unless vKOnipanitd by i stawi*.! and directed envelope. Copies «Ao< Id be iept. June 18, 1881.] u 1 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. sary to refer to them. Charming toilettes, lovely faces, ■well-ap- pointed turn-outs were to he seen as much this year as on any of its predecessors. The crowd assemhled; some of the smaller events were settled; lunch was commenced,—and then came the race of the day. It was an anxious moment for me. I had arranged the apparatus with the assistance of the police to keep off the crowd, but my sensi- tive plates were rather behind-hand. Although prepared on very simple principles, they have to undergo several processes, and in their manufacture there had been several mishaps. For instance, one had been broken by a steam Nasmyth hammer, acting with rather too much force. Another had suffered from inferior Dronze being used in one of the castings, and a third had been ground to dust in the Marble Polishing Department. In spite of these and many other little accidents, I was able to secure one plate which was in tolerably good order. The supreme moment arrived. Built up on its portable iron and granite pedestal, the Nitro-Galvanio Telescrophone was certainly a striking object. I stood just under the principal lens, with the chain in my hand, ready to pull the lever. All was ready. I saw a flag fall in the distance. On came the horses galloping at full speed. I could hear the cheers of the spectators. There was a shout. The winner was passing me! I pulled the chain! There was a loud explosion, a flash of light, and I and the Nitro- Galvanic Telescrophone went up into the air together! # * • # * • After some little trouble I have found the result, which I forward SUPERFLUOUS! "And so you learn Dancing, Bob! And now do you like Valsing f" "Oh, it's not bad! I can manage very well by myself; BUT I THINK A GlBL'g RATHER IN THE WAY!" ASCOT IN THE CAMERA. {By Our Scientific Reporter.) Acceding to the request of thousands that I would try the effect of my Nitro-Galvanic Telescrophone instantaneous portrait-taker at Ascot, I took my stand on the Race-Course. The reader must know then, that the Nitro-Galvanio Telescrophone (as, indeed, its name would denote) is a machine for producing historical scenes in their true colours—material and mental. By a simple contrivance I have avoided that air of repose which spoils so many sun-pictures, and substituted for it a kind of artistic vivacity which must be seen to be appreciated. The frame of my machine is constructed exclusively of ivory, steel, ebonite, pewter, walnut wood, glass, papier mache, iron, buffalo hide, and bamboo canes. With these simple materials I have made a kind of casket, which resembles something between a beer-barrel and a balloon. It has all the strength of the former, with many of the characteristics of the latter. It can be easily transferred from place to place, being extremely portable. All that it requires in ordinary circumstances is a few waggons and a couple of traction-engines. Of course com- mon prudence would dictate the choice of a tine day for one of these journeys, as the mixture of gun-cotton and paraffin (used in the preparation of the sensitive plates) is apt to get a little out of order when exposed to untoward atmospheric influences. However, with proper care the Nitro-Galvanic Telescrophone is as easily managed as anything else requiring a trifle more than ordinary attention—say a rogue elephant, a wounded tiger, or a damaged fish-torpedo. It is worked by electricity and portable hydraulic pumps. Arrived at Ascot, I selected the turf in front of the Judge's chair, as the scene for my instantaneous picture, as it occurred to me that the portrait of the winner of the chief race would be more interesting than any other memorial. I therefore rejected the causerie on the lawn, the Royal Procession up the Course, the group of drags at the luncheon-hour in favour of the incident I have above specified. The salient features of Ascot are so well known that it is unneces- to you. It is not quite what I intended, but there are all the'mate- rials in it for a good picture. On second thoughts, I select some'of these materials, and com- pile what evidently must be a por- trait of the winner. Here it is. I should have sent it to you before, if I had come down earlier. I am now staving a few days with the Great Panjandrum, who is not allowed to bet in his own country, which, strangely enough, is called Thibet. He is over here in disguise, and we have rooms to- gether at the Grand Hotel, Hanwell. Tub \ inner. (7?y new Instantaneous Process.) Illustration; of an Expression.—" Reading between the Linns." —This must be Reading (Berks), which is between the Great Western and South-Western Lines. VOl. IHI, ijb 278 [June 18, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. AN ESCAPE. BarnickU (the most adhesive old Bore in Town) clutch him)—" I 've something particular" Brown {just clearing him). "Ah, Barny! Can't stop! Street. Ta-ta! See you soon." (Aside.) "How lucky!" [Saunters to next turning, and off like a shot I "Oh, stop a minute, my Boy"—(triesto Just lounging down Bond |9e €&m £>&am Baprs of <®lbt. (A Lay of Modern London.) East, "West, South, and Some energetic persons Resolved—perhaps they swore— That their new block at Chelsea Should want for funds no more; Resolved—more likely swore it— And, one ten-shilling day, By putting all their powers forth, They startled East, West, South, and North, In quite a novel way. For, staring, North Poured in,—almost too fast, As canvas tower and village Absorbed the trumpet's Dlast. Shame on the shy patrician Who rather stays at home Than comes to flit about in silk Beneath the Albert dome. The smiling British public Is pouring in amain, And, in the in-door "market-place" Though jammed, does not complain. For round about fair ladies, Whose heads it scarce divines, Display their wares,—and so it stares, Gets hot, but not repines. For names and titles work a spell, The British heart to sway;— And where there's dressing up as well, There's nothing it won't pay. And if 'tis asked, fresh butter, mats,— Live porcupines "to try,"— And asked, in satin, silk, and smiles, What can it do but buy? Then growled the ancient May-pole, That sulked above in state, "I wonder if these swells are bored As I am by the fete! Yet, how can they work better Than selling ends and odds, Stared at for hours in stage get-up, By tiers of shilling gods? "But talk of the ' ryghte merrie' dance, We once had in the Strand? Why, just about my gay-decked feet There's scarcely room to stand! And British snobs are struggling To part with all their gold,— And might, with wife, or limb, or life, Such is 'Ye jamme of olde!' "And though some stoutish parties Get now and then irate, And the great men snub the small, And the small men kick the great. Though not one useful thing is Dought, And everybody's sold; Yet, duped and done, they like the fun Of the three sham days of old. "For Briton jostles Briton Quite freely at the show, And Putney stares at Eaton Square, And Mayf air cheats Soho: And though, with glass at forty-five, 'Ye anciente frocke' is cold, A bright idea, 'tis pretty clear, Are the three sham days of old." What though old English diction Gets hard up for a word, And Tudor times embrace with ease The reign of George thb Third; What though, spite several yards of street, The Albert Hall's " all there," You 've but to close your ears and eyes To realise a " Fayre." Then let the Maypole grumble! He won't abash the crew Who, for a Charity, would start A *' Fayre " at Timbuctoo! For, in the name of Charity, The mildest " Knyghtes" grow bold, And " Dames" do things they didn't do In the grave days of old. So now the "Fayre " is over, And everyone is hit, And people have bought lots of things They '11 never want a bit; When in suburban circles Their wares they still disclose, And kittens, cups—weird things of wool— Are ranged in endless rows; When the goodman from his office Comes home to five hours' doom, As his good wife's chatter ceaselessly Goes flashing round the room; With much Court Journal gossip The story still is told, How Chelsea had good cause to bless "Ye three sham dayes of olde." June 18, 1881.] 279 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. FISH ALL ALIVE OH! SEVEN FARTHINGS A POUND!" That would be something like news for poor Londoners! but un- fortunately London has a magnificent Fish Market, erected lately at a cost of £270,000, at a place in the very heart of the City, called Billingsgate, perhaps, all things considered, the worst possible place that could be note selected for such a purpose. But from a letter read by Mr. Bedford at the Court of Common Council on Thursday, it appears that at Farningham in Kent, where fortunately there is no Billingsgate Market, the "Little Boys" at their admirable "Home " there, are supplied weekly with beautiful fresh fish from Grimsby, at an all-round price of seven farthings per pound, including carriage by passenger-train! This letter, which, in the classical language of Billingsgate, may be fairly called a staggerer, produced such an effect, combined ni it was with other statements as to the astonishing and almost incred l ule scenes of muddle and confusion to be witnessed daily in that locality, that the aroused Common Councilmen at once took the Bull by the horns, or rather perhaps one should say, the Codfish by his head and shoulders, and referred the whole matter to a new and independent Committee, independent, that is to say, of Salesmen whose interests are in direct antagonism to those of the Public, and of loud-tongued Patriots who may possibly have pecuniary interests in the locality in question. Mr. Punch bestows his cordial approval on this wise step, and wishes every success to the new Committee in their Augean labours. From an .ffisthetic Correspondent. Dkar Ms. Punch, "What about those people who say that the endeavours to implant a love of the "Intense in the breasts of the humbler beings in this land will be wasted? How utterly wrong are these Philis- tines! Why, only the other day, while gazing on a lily in a glass of water at a wayside hostel, I heard a couple of men, of the eoster- monger class, call for "Two-Twos" of some sweet spirit. The landlord informed me afterwards that formerly (before the existence of the Kyrle Society, of course), these same individuals always used to ask for a " quartern." Yours diaphonously, Gwendoline. "Old English Fair!" No, Sir, we prefer a Young English Fair. Real " Old Englyshe Fayre " is Beef and Plum-pudding. 280 [June 18, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVAKI. An Eastern Question to a Partial Pacha. IL SERAGLIO;" OR, PITTMAN'S PEGASUS. No form of entertainment ever tickles our sense of humour so thoroughly as genuinely serious Italian Opera, specially when inter- preted by Italians. Taken from this point of view, comic Italian Opera, being intentionally funny, fails to amuse us in the same way; and so, while delighted with Mdme. Sembkich, pleased with Mdlle. Vaixeeia, charmed with the melodious Mozartiness of this thoroughly Mozartian opera, II Seraglio, and sufficiently entertained with the conventional humour of M. Gutlhakd, we should have had only a mild evening but for the English Itbretto supplied by the present Poet-Laureate of the establishment, Mr. J. Potman, whose work, far from being a mere servile translation, evinces much original thought and rare poetic power occasionally rising to the reckless freedom of true genius. The story of H Seraglio—as the advertisements spell it, or II Serraglio as Poet Potman's book has it—is of the simplest and weakest kind. Two ladies of un- certain nationality called Constance and Bionda are in the power of Pacha Selim and Osmin, his .... Gardener!! Why the Gardener? Is there some hidden joke about "guardin' her "? However, joke or no joke, this Osmin acts as the Pacha's chief adviser and major domo, but it is evident to everybody, except the amiable ,, , , though misguided Mahommedan, that this Osmin is merely a Pantaloon in Turkish trowsers. The Pacha never having seen a pantomime, is easily imposed upon, and does not discover a fraud which is so palpable to an English audience. These two ladies are about to escape from Pacha Potman's -Ser- rano with one Belmont, a fat French lover, looking like Raoul out of The Huguenots after a course of indolence and ood-liver oil, and Pedrillo, his Spanish servant, who, in Turkish costume, has also imposed on the credulity of this weak-minded Selim Pacha—what a set of characters!—when they are intercepted by the Gardener, condemned to death by Selim, and immediately afterwards pardoned by the same amiable autoorat. Instead of "II Seraglio, the title of the story should have been, in true Eastern language, "Bosh." However, something like a century ago it furnished Mozabt with opportunities for the display of his genius, and so.let us be thankful. The rondo in Act First, the quartette, the drinking duet, Constance's solo and Biotida's sparkling song in Act Second are the gems of the music. Now let us leave these gems, and descend with our Pot- man into the mines of Librettist ore. Osmin, speaking of Pedrillo to Belmont, exclaims violently— "That scoundrel! may his neck be broken!" Whereupon Belmont, the fat French lover, remarks, aside— "How rude! His tongue ho won't unfetter." Isn't " how rude " delicious? So mild! Pedrillo says to Belmont, who is anxious about Constance— "Be patient. Shortly your Constancb, With the Pacha, will return home From a sail on the water. Belmont. Great Heav'n! With him, she i" There's fire for you! The Italian is " Con lui, oh pena !" but Poet Pittman s Pegasus bore him above mere commonplace rendering. Osmin asks Pedrillo about Belmont— "Who 's this 6tranger? Pedrillo. By permission of the Pacha, he's admission." And Osmin, instead of prosaically returning "Is he?" replies. poetically— *' "That I care not, out must stay you." Constance, the heroine, thus grandly rejects the Pasha's suit :— "I '11 yield thee ne'er, in vain thou wouldst dismay me I" and continues apostrophising her absent lover— "Love knows no transgression, My heart's full possession Thou, Belmont, shall have! Constance doth swear thee By Heaven above," &c, &c. This is very fine. The oomio scene where Pedrillo makes old Pantaloon Osmin drunk in less than half a brace of vocal shakes, finishes with these two lines, which are quite worthy to rank with any "exit oouplet" spoken by either of the JDromios in The Comedy of Errors or by the burlesque low- comedy characters in The Taming of the Shrew :— "Pedrillo. Let's go, lest the Pasha, our master, Might see us, to us would hap disaster." All hail, great Pitt- man! for these are abso- lutely Shakspearian. Pedrillo and Belmont venture to hint their sus- picions as to the fidelity "Viva Backo!" of their sweethearts while in the Pasha's Seraglio, whereupon the energetio Bionda replies to her lover— "Thou rascal, durst to throw Such stain upon my virtue?" while the gentler and more lady-like Constance, addressing Belmont, reproachfully adds— "Belmont, you hardly know My feelings how now hurt you!" Aha! There's rhyme and reason, too, for you! Then, all being forgiven, they sing this quartette :— "Now that love prevails again, May jealouBy never Our sweet union sever. May love live tor ever, For e'er on us reign." Hooray! Potman on Pegasus wins in a canter!! Shakspeaeb second! Tennyson nowhere! Space forbids our heaping up more treasures from the Potman diggings, so we will give Selim Pasha's concluding benison on the happy pairs, and drop the curtain on the brilliant finale .— "Selim. Go hence in freedom. Be happy you for ever! Tour friend, Selim Pacha, forget you—Never!" And then the chorus, commencing "Great Selim," for which, however, we venture, with the utmost deference, to substitute Great 11* ',biitfdra»va fl v \V«ill!lUt\ "A1 'M ii Harem-Scarum Finale. Poet—meaning, we need hardly explain, the Covent Garden Lau- reate, and dedicating his own lines to himself— "Great Poet, we, grateful bending, Hail thee e'er, thy praises sing; Far and wide thy name's extending Through the world on Fame's bright wing." We trust the sale of the "book of the words" may be largely increased by our present notice. Poet and Profit should go nana in hand. Should anyone rashly imagine that he can rival our Laureate Librettist, we warn him— "Porta naicitur, nonfit," man; Which is quite true of Mister Pittman. June 18, 1881.] 281 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. HARMONY. Brown (Philistine). "I heard it was all 'off' between you and Miss ROWESHKTT." Wobbinson (JEstlietc). "Ya-as. Incompatibility of complexion!—she DIDN'T 8UIT MY FURNITCHAR ! I" "THE NEW DEPARTURE." Archbishop Croke has made a great sensation By teaching the Land-Leaguers moderation. He warns ' the Boys " in serious solemn tones 'Gainst "dangerous pastimes"—"hooting," "throwing stones." And you did not prefix, good Dr. Croee, An " s" to "hooting "—that's heyond a joke. Your Grace is right, let "dangerous past-times" cease, And we may welcome present times of peace; Treat dangerous past times now with such severity As will yield future times of safe prosperity. Could Celt and Saxon but go hand in hand, This true Land League would benefit the land. None but a foe such union dare sever— No Croaker, Croke! Old Ireland for ever! A DISGRACE TO THE METROPOLIS. Let anyone in a hurry to reach Waterloo Station be- tween eight and eleven on a Saturday morning, attempt to do so vid Bow Street—supposing this to be ordinarily his shortest and cheapest route, as it would be for anyone from St. Pancras and the Bloomsbury district—and he will then experience what the word " obstruction" really means. The street crammed, jammed with vegetable, fruit, and flower-carts, while the police look on as amused but uninterested spectators of the scene, with an it's- nothing-to-do-with-me and monarch-of-all-we-survey- in-this-neighbourhood sort of air which is to the last degree irritating. "Bless your 'art," observed a coster- monger, lolling by his barrow, and addressing an un- happy voyageur blocked up in a helpless hansom— "Bless your innocent 'art! if you wants a short cut of a Satterday morn'n, you'd better by arf go round by Trafalgar Square and Cherrin' Cross to get to Waterloo!" We nave attacked the disgraceful state of Covent Garden Market over and over again, and "the authori- ties" (who are they, your Grace of Mudford ?) won't stir a single cabbage-stump to help us. The nuisance becomes worse and worse. If ever Urgency were to be voted to overcome Obstruction, it is wanted here and now. Wake up, 0 Gracious Mudford, E.G., Duke of Bar- riers, and instead of enjoying the sea-breezes on board your charmingly-appointed and luxurious yacht, just step down among this slush and refuse and sniff the salubrious air of your own dear Mud-Salad Market. WHAT DOES IT MEAN? "It is somewhat surprising that Lord Salisbury should fail to discern that the importance of the Irish Land Bill is determined not by its political pedigree so much as by the actual and present circumstances of Ireland." Timet. Sir, I read the prints diurnal, and of course the "leading journal" I look upon as prophet and adviser. I peruse its news with pleasure, and its dogmas always treasure; As a father I have been an advertiser. But for once I make confession that I 'm beat by an expression (Which, no doubt, however, wiser people see), And that's why I write these rhymes, to inquire what the Times Means (politically) by a " Pedigree "? Does it mean by this assertion that Bill's father was Coercion, Who his FoRSTER-Mother married willy-nilly? Does it mean in years gono by. in some record deep and dry, Lived the Ancestors of this Hibernian Biily? Does it mean (I 'm only guessing) that slow and sure progressing, They eventually reared a Fam'ly Tree, And by this gradual process Bill by legal diagnosis Has (politically) got a "Pedigree" r Does it mean—but there, I 'm muddled, and I might say almost fuddled By this lineage—in metaphor 'tis hazy— I'll defy Sir Bernard Burke, let alone Debrett to work Out this problem, Sir, without their getting crazy; For I 've been, I own with sadness, driven by it nigh to madness, As I brooded on this subtle jeu d'esprit. So don't spurn this exhortation, but please give an illustration Of (politically) "What's a Pedigree "? {Extra.) Most politically yours, A. Daft, M.P. NAMES AND ADDRESSES. Everybody caring for the preservation of memorials of famous men must very much applaud the Society of Arts for what they have done in having just placed six new memorial tablets, on so many historic houses, the abodes, in time past, of so many Buch characters. One of these, to be sure, was a personage of no more account than Peter the Great, who, however (as Russians may think), once honoured 15, Buckingham Street, with his residence. At any rate, he lived there, and his name is now on the door. But the other names and addresses are those of Sir Robert Walpole, 25, Arling- ton Street; Richard Brinsley Sheridan, 14, Savile Row; Sir Isaac Newton, 35, St. Martin's Street, Leioester Square; William Hogarth, 30, same Square (become the site of Archbishop Tenni- son's School) ; and James Barry, Painter (not also "Plumber and Glazier"), 36, Castle Street, Oxford Street. The door of each of these dwellings is now distinguished by a porcelain plaque, which will give the intelligent passer-by a sensation—and sometimes per- haps occasion an agent, a collector or solicitor of subscriptions, mendicant, or other impostor, to knock and inquire if the supposed occupant is at home. Thanks, also, to the excellent Society of Arts, tablets affixed in former years denote, as sacred to memory, the dwelling-places of Burke, Byron, Canning, Dryden, Faraday, Flaxman, Franklin, Garrick, Handel, Johnson, Napoleon the Third, Nelson, Reynolds, and Mrs. Slddons. Dt Manes defend them from enter- prising tradesmen, speculative builders, and the Metropolitan Board of Works! Victorious Sarah.—" L'Interdit est enfin leve: Sarah Bern- hardt va jouer La Dame aux Camillas," joyfully writes Jules Prevel of the Figaro. Le Demi-Monde and Le Mariage d' Olymnc being permitted, the Lord Chamberlain very evidently thought thatne could not Btrain at gnats and refuse to swallow camclias. ••--- I - ■—■ 282 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [JUNE 18, 1881. i!pi WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY. 1 What '* Asoot, Mabel ?"—" Oh, Akcot? It 's a Cup that Horses race for before ttie Prince of Wales and Suite." "Whose Suite?"—" Who 'a 'sweet? Why, the Princess, of course!" THE IRISH DEVIL-FISH. {Slightly altered from Victor Hugo.) It is difficult for those who have not seen it to believe in the existence of the Irish Devil-Fish. It is the Improbable incarnate! It is the Vague visualised! It is the Perverse, de pro/undis! It is the Aggravating1, in excehit! De profundus! In excehit! Ah! From the depth of despair to the height of absurdity. Voild! Yet the Preposterous is also the Possible. The Devil-Fish exists! The Possible is a terrible matrix. But the Abominable has also its raiton d'etre. It is certain that the Wrong-doer at one end proves the existence of Wrong at the other. At one end English wrong, at the other the Irish Devil- Fish! Again, Voild! What then it the Irish Devil-Fish? It is the Hibernian Vampire. It is the Death's-head at the feast of Conciliation. It is one of the Amphibia of the shore which separates the "Wrongful from the Remedial. Every malignant creature, like every perverted Intelligence, is a Sphinx propounding terrible riddles. The riddle of this particular Sphinx is hard, but it must be answered. By Courage, Patience, Promptitude. By Courage, because, in face of the Sphinx-Chimoera, failure of resolution is fatal. Patience, because to strike prematurely or with ill-aim is as useless as not to strike at all. Promptitude, because not to strike when the moment for striking sounds, is defeat. The creature is formidable, but there is a way of resisting it. The Devil-Fish, in fact, is only vulnerable through the head. A vague mass endowed with a malignant will, many armed mis- chief at the service of central watchfulness, the Evil Eye, secret and sinister, guiding Briareus hands—subtle, far-reaching, swift-strik- ing; what can be more horrible? But the Horrible is not arbitrary, nor self-gendered. Chimteras are the issues of unholy relations, the Devourer is at once the Nemesis and the Sexton of all systems. In our world of twilight Wrong breeds Monsters. Right alone can banish them with a blow. The blow must be just, it must be firm, it must be opportune, it must strike through the head to the heart. Then the struggle is ended. The folds relax. The Monster drops away like the slow detaching of bands. The Devil-Fish is dead! AT THE HORSE SHOW. The Horse Show at Islington all men must own is A good show, to give the promoters their due; The fun of the fair was the leaping of ponies, Dittingue, and Mike, and unlucky Frou-Frou. When ponies and lads at the water-jump failing, Fell in, how the crowd was convulsed with delight; While gaily the hunters topped hurdle and railing, As if a stout fox and swift hounds were in sight.. And there were the ladies, the sheen of whose dresses Made all the arena and galleries gay; The Princess was present, and little Princesses, And leaders of fashion in gallant array. In England the horse is a popular idol, And so it befell that the show had its charms; In fact, we might hint that a saddle and bridle Should one day be placed on the national arms. "' Reai Jam' Satis."—The Crush at the Fine Old English Fair on the first day. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—June 18, 188L THE IRISH DEVIL-FISH. 'The creature is formidable, but there is a way of resisting it • * • The Devil-fish, in fact, is only vulnerable through the head." Victor Hugo's Toilers of the Sea, Book IV., Ch. iii. June 18, 1881.] 285 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHABIVAPJ. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. BXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. Thursday Niobt, June 9.—House supposed to be back to-day after the Whitsun holidays; but many empty benches, bcores ot the boys begged off till Monday. Head-Master back, looking as if he hadn't had much of a holiday. Also Head-Usher Harcoubt, who, in the continued absenoe of Mr. Fobster, undertakes the Irish class. Amongst the odd boys here is Berespord Hope. Bather thinks that young Balfour is going to say something, and would not hubs it for the world. Old boy in highest spirits. "How did you enjoy your Wetmonday, Toby?" he asked me just now. ., My! how he chuckled after this. Most remarkable man at a smile. Quite reverses the order of Nature as displayed in thunder and lightning. When B. H. smiles, you hear the thunder first and Bee the lightning after. ,. Never forget the first time I heard him smile. He was standing just above the Gangway, at the end of the front Opposition Bench, where he now sits so as to make room for his nephew in the corner seat, below, an arrangement which Ranbolph disturbs by appropriat- ing it for himself. He was making a speech on some serious subject- either the National Gallery, or the admission of parsons or women to Parliament. He had his shoulders well up, his head on one side, his left hand extended, with the fingers of his right beating into the palm of it, driving home arguments. Suddenly there was heard in the Chamber a most extraordinary sound, something between the click of a gun and the gurgling of a dark pool in which a strong swimmer had just sunk. The flow of B. H.'s speech had stopped. I looked Merry Andrew. The Chamberlain, in Triumphal Car, driving four Useful Screws. up quickly, fearing apoplexy. There he Btood, in exactly the same attitude; but gradually following the remarkable explosion, his aiuuiue: out grouuituy iimuwmg wic ""■"*■'»"" "P'™"."! — mouth widened, his eyes twinkled, his whole body shook with joyous convulsion. B. H. was laughing! % There was a joke somewhere. He had not arrived at it yet, but, like the watchman at Lizard Point, who flashes inland the news of ships sailing up out of the waste of the Atlantic, he saw it coming in the far distance, and this was the accustomed signal. The House, more used to this sort of thing, began to laugh. Then B. H. grew more expansive about the lower part of the face, more twinkling about the eyes, and more convulsive in the neighbourhood of the stomach. The House roared. The symptoms on the part of the orator increased in intensity, and for some minutes this continued— he standing there inarticulate, with left hand outstretched and the fingers of the right hand resting in the palm, shoulders well up, head on one side, mouth miraculously stretched, and eyes twinkling, whilst Members tossed themselves to and fro on the benohes in uncontrollable laughter. We never reached the joke, which was quite forgotten by the time B. H. had wiped his eyes and the House had recovered from the paroxysm of laughter. But we had a good smile, and perhaps, on the whole, it was wiser not to wind up with the joke. Got questions over unexpectedly early, and had the advantage of hearing a short address from Mr. Monk. Not quite a cheerful manner, Mr. Monk's. Believe his father was a bishop, or a dean, or a verger. Certainly something in the Church. However this be, Mr. Monk always brings a strong flavour of the pulpit into the ordinary details of the House of Commons' conversation. "Tell you what, Toby," Sir Chabxes Dilke said, as we smoked a cigar on the Terrace just now, "I never hear Monk ask a ques- tion in the House but 1 fancy I have a Prayer Book in my hand instead of a copy of the Orders, and I instinctively look at it expecting to find written, 'In quires and places where they sing here foUoweth the anthem.'" Believe that our hard-working Chaplain, after performing the duties of the Sitting, always stays when Monk is going to make a ,„,. , ,_ he never gets such a good sleep. Makes him feel quite at home, or rather at church. To-night Mr. Monk lost some sheets of his notes, and floundered into "fourthly" before he had quite disposed of '"twothly." "Serves him right for not bringing his sermon down properly sewn together in a black cover," says Mr. Onslow, whose political affec- tions are divided between publican and parson, and who is quick to resent an apparent slight to either. . After Mr. Monk had reached the application and dismissed the congregation, the House re- solved itself into Committee of Supply, when we had Sir Anbbew Lusk with his pretty childish ways and his quite touching entreaty for informa- tion. Sir Anbbew is always "wanting to know, you know." Particularly anxious to-night to ascertain full details about some spirits which are stored for scientific purposes in the neighbourhood of the Depart- ment of Science and Art at South Kensington. "What sort of spirits are they?" Sir Anbbew plaintively asks, indicating by a subtle drooping of the left corner of his mouth a preference for Scotch whiskey. When it was , explained that the spirits were taken outwardly by^reptiles and other disagreeable phenomena, Sir Andrew was quiet for the rest ot "Never heard of such a thing in my life!" he said in a hushed whisper, as he walked out. "£1,700 for a new building to keep reptiles in spirits, whilst there's many a man at the East end ot But he was gone. Begins to think he will curb his curiosity, since it may spring upon him such fearful disclosures of wilful waste. Business (tone.—Money voted in Supply. Friday.—Mr. W. Fowleb, discussing the law of entail by the light of the electric lamp, Bhows how regardless a Radical House ol Commons is of the dramatic proprieties. Subject would have been better treated, methinks, if the House had been lit up with tallow candles, or, at best, with oil-lamps. As it was, twelve squares ot glass flashed electric radiance on the pleased Member for Cambridge as he related to a limited but inte- rested audience how he had drawn up marriage-settlements where fortunes of £100,000 were involved. These reminiscences lent a touching inte- rest to the story. But perhaps the chief hit was where Mr. Fowleb referred to the case of "a man with six or seven thousands a year and as many children." House roared, and Mr. Fowleb testily explained that "what he meant was that the man had as many children as he had thou- sands," which made the meaning a little clearer, though not pellucid. Now we have the electrio light, science must really go a little further, and give us machinery by which water can be laid on the premises and drawn at will. Am told the piping buUfinch . , . is able to draw its own water. Why should tie piping Member ot Parliament have to go in search of a tumblerful in remote recesses ot the House? This necessity brought about sudden collapse ot debate. Arthur Abnold having spoken on every topic coming before the nouse, besides having a question or two, began to feel the need ot refreshment before undertaking to instruct the House on the Law of Settlement. Sent Passmobe Edwabbs for the water, and began what promised to be an instructive and interesting lecture, borne one noting this preparation, and feeling he really could not stand any more of Arthub in the current week, moved that the House be counted, and counted it was—out. Business done.—More votes in Supply. The Old House Beetle teaches the New Deputy his Drill. "YOUNG GIRLS' HATS ABE VERY BECOMING AT PBESENT." Be they Tuscan, French, or English, of whatever shape or size, With a fair young face below them and a pair ot watchet eyes, When they 're set on heads o'erflowing with a wealth oi sunny curls, Wot ye well hate are becoming to our fresh young English Chris 1 2S6 [June 18, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAPJVARL ROBERT AFTER THE DERBY. I hate received werry arty congratulashuns on my Darby Prosef y, and sum of the win- ners has kindly sent me pro- misses to think of me after settlingem day, which is of course werry kind of 'em, and I dessay I shall hear further from 'em, but I don't think it was a gennelmanly thing to do as a Mr. H*. Walkek did, who sent me a check sined by hisself and drawn on Messrs. Aldgate Pump & Co. for £1010s. Of course I couldn't find no such Bank. But that wasn't so bad as the Gent who inclosed me a bad harf crown! I mite ha' been tempted to do as the poor Labrer did last week, and put it in the plate at a Mishnary Meetin and taken out 2 shillings, and then ha' got 18 munse ard labour! Wot a awful punishmeant for a Waiter! The reason I wasn't right in all my hosses was a silly blun- der I made. I remember now that Custance said that when the eneeshals of the names of the hosses makes more than one name, take the best, so in- stead of P. I. G. pig, I should have taken P. I. T. pit, and then I should ha' been righter than any other Profit of all the sportin press. I went down arter aU and had my adwenturs like other folk, but by this time my Tail of the Darby would be a twice told Tail, told by an Ideot, full of sounds and furies and sig- nef yin werry little to nobody! READING THEIR THOUGHTS. (Confidential Pennyworth from Our Own Special Medium.) The Czar. I wonder whether I could back out of all this, and be off quietly to Margate— or anywhere. Midhat Pasha. The worst of it is I believe they '11 bow- string me, and then say I hung myself with a boot-lace. Mr. Bradlaugh. Fancy I'm not quite so popular as I was. Captain Gosset. I 'm pre- cious glad it didn't come to a struggle. I do believe he would have floored the whole seven of us! LordR. Churchill—I rather think /know a thing or two. The Sultan. I wish I could borrow a few millions of any- body on my note of hand at ninety per cent. But there's no chance. The feeling of nice honour among gentlemen seems dying out. And yet my word is as good as my bond. Mr. Booth. He's good—but can't touch me in either of em. Mr. Irving. Not bad—but /have the decided pull of him in both. AS BOLD AS BRASSEY, M.P., Who went bound the World on a Sunbeam. An Amputation Act. The necessity for an Act of Parliament legalising this new Sunishment, increases every ay. _ The kicking mania is growing. A couple of Derby- shire ruffians (twins) dragged their father out of bed at mid- night, and nearly kicked him to death. The town disgraced by this outrage is Bakewell. SCHOOL-BOARD PAPERS.—No. G. Police Court, Queer Street, 2 p.m. Man (stepping into the Witness Box and addressing the Magis- trate). It you please, Sir, I have an application to make. Magistrate. This is not the time for hearing applications, you should have come in the morning. Man. I could not, Sir. I had the brokers in my house. Magistrate. I suppose you owed rent. We cannot interfere between you and your landlord. Man. No, Sir, I owe no rent. But I have been out of work for two months, and I owe some fines to the School-Board, which I can't pay, and they have taken out a distress and got all my goods Magistrate. I am very sorry for you, but I have no power to inter- iere in the matter. (Addressing School-Board Officer?) Do you know anything of this case? School-Board Officer. No Sir. Matu I think he does, for all that. But I wish to ask you, Sir, have they a right to take my tools as well as my poor furniture? Magistrate. They have no right to take your tools. There must aboutTt6"" * 'I BhaU have SOme Wnirj made Man. Thank your Worship. r Vrit Usher. Call Michael Flanioak. L Flanigan. Here, Sur! H^W 0ffi^er- This man is snmnMraed, Sir, for not sending his daughter Mart Flamgan, to school for the last six weeks. flanigan. Ihat is as true as the gospels, yeer Honor, and 1 '11 just tell veer Worship how it is. le see, my ould woman, hir mother, has been laid up wi' the roomaticks for two months and more. It's as true as I stand hero, yeer Worship she cudn't put her fut to the flure to save hir sowl, and in coorse, her daater mun keep the house and look arter the younger childer. The gintleman ower there knaws all about it. (Pointing to the School-Board Officer.) He knaws my missus hasn't sturred a fute out o' the house for many a long dav, or night either for that matter. School-Board Officer. 1 know that this man's wife has been ill for some weeks, but I submit that that is no reason why the girl should not attend school. Flanigan. She's a very good scoller already, yeer Worship. You should try her in the New Testament, either the Ould Varsion or the Aew Varsion, and that, folks say, is a bit hard to understand. Magistrate. Are you a Protestant? Flanigan. Shure, and I am, and born and bred in the County Down five-and-forty yeer ago. Magistrate (to School-Board Officer). I have some doubts about this case. You say you know that this girl's mother has been ill for some time. School-Board Officer. But the girl is quite well herself. The law says that sickness shall be a valid excuse for non-attendance, but that must mean the sickness of the child. Magistrate. I am not sure of that. Flanigan. Look here, yeer Honor, I don't want to be hard on the gintleman, but if he '11 purvide a housekeeper to take my daater's place, and pay her boord and wages, I promise my daater shall attend schule reglar, and niver miss a day. If that'b'ayn't a fair offer, my name's not Mike Flanigan. Magistrate. I 'm afraid the gentleman will hardly agree to your terms. How old is your daughter? Flanigan. Twelve year old, Sur; and faith, I think she's had schulin' enough. Magistrate. I have some doubt about this case, and I shall adjourn it for a fortnight. Flanigan. All right, yeer Honor. And yeer Honor will just till the gintleman to pay me my day's wages I 've lost in coming to this Coort. Magistrate. He can if he pleases, but I don't think he will, on next case. Call Jtok 18, 1881.] 287 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. GIVE US BOOM! The years roll by, and the population increases. London grows half-a-million bodies every ten years- people with stagnant souls and puny spirits, who are content, up to a certain point, to take things as they find them. The greatest city in the world has the finest cross-roads from East to "West or West to East that any centre of civilisation can boast of, but when we look to its thoroughfares from North to South, or South to North, we find them in the same state as in the bag-wig and square-cut-coat time—the days of the Four Geoeges. From the Royal Exchange to Hyde Park Corner there is not a clear, wide, unbroken thoroughfare that is worthy of the name which brings the high grounds of Surrey into communication with the high grounds of Middlesex. Obstructive Dukes, City Companies, "Vested Interests, Vit Inertia, Divided Authority, Parochial Jobbery, Jackass-Worship, Poco-Curantism, and a variety of other causes explain this toleration of No Thoroughfare. Landlords support tenants, and tenants support land- lords in maintaining little centres of monastic seclusion in the very centre of London, and stopping the free passage of goods and men from one side of the great city to the other. There are only two solutions of this diffi- culty—one peaceable, the other inevitable—a Parliamen- tary Committee, by which compensation is given for rights destroyed—a principle recognised when the first railway was driven through the lands of reluctant land- owners: or the rough and less legal proceedings of the Welsh Rebeccaites. London with its four millions of people, and the coming paralysis of traffic, cannot remain as they are, and the sooner these facts are recognised by Bumbledom and Officialism the better. Jonesiana. "He 's a snob, my dear," observed Jones to his wife, speaking of that fellow De Wiggyns, who had offended Mrs. J. mortally, "and worse, he's a poor snob." "But I think you might have spoken to him plainly and strongly. He deserves to be set down sharply for his rudeness." "My dear, De Wiggtns is nobody, and hasn't got a sixpence," returned our old friend Jones. "In fact, xpe: he s not worth a rap even on the knuckles." AN EXCELLENT IDEA. Oct op consideration for the Young Ladies' Dresses, Mrs. Si-arkbury tomlinson provides each of her dancing young men with a snow-white Bib, and a ditto Sleeve-Guard for the Right Arm. TRAPS TO CATCH COCKNEYS. The summer has now commenced, and with it the usual—perhaps more than usual flood of country paradises which are offered to the panting Cockney. . Proprietors and house-agents combine to paint the lily and adorn the rose. Gushing advertisements appeal to that love of nature which the Londoner either has, or fancies he has, from the middle of May to the end of August. Rickety tenements are run up in square patches of stony garden, and offered to him as "replete with every modern convenience," or old houses deserted by everything but rats, are offered to him as "hallowed by historical associations.' A rank field is described as a " paddock "—a mangy grass-plot is dignified with the name of " lawn," a green and foetid pond suggests 'fish- ing," an ague-breathing marsh is softened by " wild duck shooting," and any distance within four miles of the sea, gives the right to the title of "sea-side residence." The dulness of stupidity or decay is described as "quiet retirement and seclusion;" a run of faded gravel and stones with a side view of a pig-stye and a water-butt, is called a " carriage-drive," and anything in the shape of a wilderness is called a. "shrubbery." The word "acre " in these advertisements is an elastic quantity, that means anything or nothing, and any sheds are described as "coach-house, stable, &c." The soil is always "gravel," the situation " salubrious ;" the station is always within a few minutes " of the house, and the trains are always " frequent." After the unfortunate Cockney has spent a week and several pounds in "viewing" these eligible Edens, he generally comes to the conclusion that lying is not a lost art, and that London is not quite such an unbearable place as the first rays of sunlight had led him to imagine. ELECTRIC HEELS!! No more Launches! No more Steamers! No more Rowing! No more sailing! No more Exertion or Exercise! No more Railway and Steamboat Companies! Every man his own Electric Traveller!!! Portable apparatus for electrio travelling fitted to the meanest capacity of the waistcoat pocket, can now be obtained of the Makers, Flash, Dash, & Co.; the simple battery can be fixed into the spur- box of an ordinary Wellington boot, and the wearer, once having started, can by a simple process moderate or increase his speed by road or river, or over the heads of the people (which objeot this in- vention has in view) guiding himself with a simple strong umbrella, price twenty-five shiUings, which may be had (to begin with) at the same establishment. The apparatus will work a boat, a barge, a launch, a yacht, a man-of-war, and will upset every mechanical arrangement for furthering progress hitherto in use. Sell out your railway shares! steam is doomed! and apply instantly for shares in the New Electrio Heel Co., Limited. Address, Manager, Edison Electric Light House, Flamborough. Motto.—" One for his Electric Heels." SOMETHING IN A TITLE. Wasted, by the Head Master of Eton, "A Chip of the Old Block." Any boy bringing a chip of the old block—which was recently cut up and destroyed—to the Chambers before eleven o'clock school, will be handsomely rewarded. Evert trade and industrv has its own particular journal. We have just received No. 4, Vol. VII., of The Miller. But what a wealth of subject the title of The Miller for a journal would natu- rally embrace! The Facetia? column under the direction of Joe Miller, Junior: the Sporting column could give histories of Cele- brated Champions of the P.R., and their Famous Mills: the serious portion could be devoted to the consideration of the Philosophy of Mill and Calculations as to the Millennium: the Musical Critic would be " The Miller of the D-," and when very severe he could call himself " The Miller of the big, big D," and grind the hones of composer, singer, and orchestra. In short, every subject could be treated in a fa-miller way. 288 [June 18, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. OUR GUIDE TO THE ACADEMY: Or, sometimes, Our Academy Guy'd. No. 247. A Hero en Retraite. Henry Gibbs. Evidently the Diver from the Polytechnic retired into private life. "With his helmet by his side, No longer on his brow." he Bits there enjoying the repose gained by well-earned threepenny bits, and the helmet will be a relio in the family. No. 328. A Couple of Blacklegs. Philtp H. Calderon, R.A. This sounds ominous for the portrait of Miss Daisy—a very bright and pretty specimen of a Field Daisy, and may she never go to Girton and be plucked! And it is hardly complimentary to Mr. Cal- deron to say that he is quite equal to a pair of blacklegs; but he is: very real legs too, and deceptive. No. 335. Gymnastics at Sea: or, People "Who don't Know the Mopes." William No. 328. Small. N.B.— To prevent confusion, "Small" "is not a nom de plume for "Pettie." No. 339. Mr. W. T. A. Bac- Cani. Looks more like Mr. M. T. No. 391. At Last! Arthur Stock. Military subject comes natural of course to A Stook. It illustrates the old story of the Artilleryman and the Granny Dear. No. 452. Sarah Bernhardt In- terested in Watching a Boiled Lobster Swimming Across a Lake. Val. C. Prinsei>, A. Excellent —but then we are very fond of boiled lobsters. No. 136G. "An Un-ornamental Tile; or, What a Shocking Bad Hat!" Presentation Portrait. John Everett Tg Millais, R.A. Portrait of a respectable clergv- trl man, hiding his hat behind him as if thoroughly fetj ashamed of it. This being a presentation portrait, ■jffi he ought to have presented himself with a better ^| n hat. However, the Catalogue tells us he is a Bishop, IU|U not a Presenter. J3 As No. 1384. Portrait of a Gentleman. W. W. ■ K' Ouless, lt.A. We take Mr. Ouless's word for it. laNBLLI Of course, he ought to know. In allusion to the difficulty the gentleman in question has evidently had with his hair, we should, label it " Parting is such Pain." But perhaps this is partly Mr. Ouless's fault, as, if he had a brush in his hand to do the gentleman's hair with, why didn't he send for a comb? No. 1393. Oh, the Little Beers! C. Burton Barber. Returning to Paris for another short visit to the Salon, we select .the following, and refer those unable to see the originals to the excellent engravings in the authorised edition of the Catalogue Illustre1.— No. 181. Beyle. Pecheuses de. Monies au Pollet, i.e., Polly and another flsherwoman, with any amount of muscle. No. 452. No loSli. No. 181. No. 293. No. 293. Breton. Lcs Vieux Sanies, a Wtssant. Poor old Souls, or Wizen'd Willows. An Author not quite "Too-Too."—Mark Twain. A MATCH. (Watched.) If I were Anglo-Saxon, And you were Japanese, We 'd study storks together, Pluck out the peacock's feather, And lean our languid backs on The stiffest of settees; If I were Anglo-Saxon, And you were Japanese. If you were Della-Cfuscan, And I were A.-Mooresque, We 'd make our limbs look less in Artistic folds, and dress in What once were tunics Tuscan In Dante's days grotesque; If you were Della-Cruscan, And I were A.-Mooresque. If I were mock Pompeian, And you Belgravian Greek, We 'd glide 'mid gaping Vandals In shapeless sheets and sandals, Like shades in Tartarean Dim ways remote and bleak; If I were mock Pompeian, And you Belgravian Greek. If you were Culture's scarecrow, And I the guy of Art, I 'd learn in latest phrases Of either's quaintest crazes To lisp, and let my hair grow, While yours you 'd cease to part; If you were Culture's scarecrow, And I the guy of Art. If I 'd a Botticelli, And you 'd a new Burne-Jones, We 'd doat for days and days on Their mystic hues, and gaze on With lowering looks that felly We 'd fix upon their tones; If I 'd a Botticelli, And you 'd a new Burne-Jones. If you were skilled at crewels, And I, a dab at rhvmes, I 'd write delirious u ballads," While you your bilious salads Were stitching upon two ells Of coarsest crass, at times; If you were skilled at crewels, And I, a dab at rhymes. If I were what's "consummate," And vou were quite " too too," 'Twould be our Eldorado To have a yellow dodo, Our happiness to hum at A teapot tinted blue; If I were what's "consummate," And you were quite " too too." If you were what "intense" is, And I were like "decay," We 'd mutely muse or mutter In terms distinctly utter, And find out what the sense is Of this Esthetic lay; If you were what " intense" is, And I were like " decay." If you were wan, my lady. And I, your lover, weird, We 'd sit and wink for hours At languid lily-flowers. Till, fain of all things fady, We faintly—disappeared! If you were wan, my lady, And I, your lover, weird. EUAT JUSTITIA! Scene—A British Court of Justice towards the close of the Nine- teenth Century. Judge, Jury, Counsel, and Prisoner discovered engaged over conclusion of Trial on a charge of Manslaughter. Judge (finishing up). And though the fact that the woman whose hair you first tore out in handfuls, and subsequently kicked to death, happened to have been your wife would natur- ally have told much in your favour, and have enabled me to take a lenient view of your con- duct, still human hair and human life are valuable things, and these cases are, I am surprised to see, getting rather common. I must therefore pass on you the severest sen- tence the law enables me to inflict. You will be imprisoned for the space of ten calendar days. [Sensation, during which the Prisoner is rem when the next case, one of common larceny, is called on, and being rapidly disposed of, results in another verdict of guilty. Judge (once more finishing up). And now there remains nothing more for me to do but to assign to you the punishment for your crime which it so richly deserves. Tou have been found in unlawful pos- session of a Bmall quantity of false hair, of which you can give no satisfactory account. And about your case I oan discover no miti- gating circumstances. You have not secured it by violent assault. You are not married, and you cannot, therefore, allege as a plea for mercy that you have torn it freely from the head of your half- murdered wife. It is false hair, taken possibly from the very counter itself, and worth, I should presume, tenpence to an enterprising barber. Yours is, in short, a grave and heinous offence. The sen- tence is that you be kept in penal servitude for a period of fifteen vears- Tableau. Curtatn. "The Storage of Electric Force" is a subject very much to the Fanre just now. "Chorus, Gentlemen, if you please!" cries Sir William Thompson, and then he leads it with, "Faure—he's a jolly good fellow!" t3T To CnsnBsroiroiTns — Thi Editor doex not hold hi-tuel/ bound to acknonledite. return, or pay for Contribution!. In no com (an then bt returned unlen accompanied bj * ttamped and directed envelope. Copies ehould be kepi. Juke 25, 1881.] 289 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. DRAMATIC AND OPERATIC. M*KY people say that "Bard's the best "—in German. Many people are welcome to their opinion since Providence made him an Englishman. As Mr. W. S. Gilbeht in an inspired moment wrote— He might have been a Prussian, A—(something and soruthing the, w> forget what, and won't risk it)—a Kusaan, Or an I-ta-li-an; Put, in spite of all temptations To belong to other nations, He (Shaksi'eake) remains an Englishman CAarui.—But in spite, &o. A Winter's Tale showed the Meiningen troupe at their unit»d best and their individual worst. The Trial Scene was a masterpiece "MoTement in Court"—Trial Scene in Winter's Tale. of military stage-drill, but the Statue Scene was very tame and commonplace. Nobody acted particularly well; and the comic ehiracter Autolycus—who was such a difficulty in evidence during a recent trial—was a very heavy personage. The eomio business was of the olown and pantaloon order. The idyllic portion of the play is delightful, and there is a babble of green fields, and Stre- phons and young Chloes, and pipes and tabors, and a smell of sweet hay. syllabubs, and an all- among-the-barley atmo- sphere, which is refresh- ing to the thirsty soul on a hot June night in London. As to Schiller's Snbhert. it belongs to our Victorian Drama Era —we mean a« the drama used to be represented at "The Vic." The Meiningens will do better to stick to Shakkpeare, so that the critics may "Schiller have to spare." As to Die Ahnfrau, they might as well expect an English audience to enjoy a revi- val of The Castle Spectre, or One o' Cluck; or, the Knight and the Wood Demon. Dofia Sal working the Lord Chamberlain. Just now, in this summer weather, when the glory of asparagus has departed, when broad beans—may they be as long as they are broad! —have appeared, when, in fact, Richmond, Gravesend, Purfleet, Greenwich, Epping Forest, Hampton Court, all offer attractions to the Diner-ont-of-T( town, we own that- "We 'd rather be a Dining 'un, Than a Dreary Lane-ing Meiningen." (n So here's all their very good healths, and may they live long and "brosber!" "I've gone wrong for the sake of Sarah.'" mieht the Lord Cham- berlain now sing, had we not to thank him for permitting Mile. Bernhardt to appear as La Dame aux Cornelias, in which she is at this moment absolutely unrivalled. We are not among her gushing admirers, but the most hardened Anti-JEsthetio Un-sentimentalist could not witness this performance of hers without a silent snivel and —Sniveller suggesting Swiveller—t. sub:-equent vearning for a "modest quenener." Poor Marguerite! better for young Armand had you stuck to the Cafe du Helder, and never troubled the "Maison Duval"! Opera-goers, who haven't yet heard and seen Madame Albani as Mignon, have a treat in store. She was most oharming in that delightful Opera by AiiBRorsE Thomas. Altogether, it was capitally played and sung by Valleria, Trkbelli, Gailhard, Ciampi, and Vergnet. As to the book, we miss the master-hand of Poet Pittman, the translation (a very good one, we regret to say) having been made by the late T. J". Williams. When M. Veronet, as Ouglielmn, the Tenor, Fair, Fat, and Forte, first enters, the stage-direction tells us that " he appears to have come off a journey." He ought to have been "dusty and travel-stained"; but not a bit of it. His hair was neatly powdered, his wristbands and collar were of the snowiest white, and the only sign suggestive of any careless hurry in his t oil et was conveyed by the peculiar flesh-pink tint of what ought to have been his unmention- ables, which gave him the sppearanee not so much of having come off a journey (for he couldn't have travelled like that), but of haying spent so much time on the arrangement of his hair and spotless linen aB only to have left himself a second for drawing on his nigh patent leather boots, forgetting in his hurry that portion of his costume the omission of whioh would in most civilised countries be considered as incompatible with good breeding or sanity, and would probably result in a visit to the nearest police-magistrate. If Monsieur Mignon on Reflection Utters a Note of Admiration. A "Tenore Robusto"—Robusto il JUtavolo! The King of Trumps in the tolly 1'atK of Artful Cards. Veronet could only "see himself as others see him," he woull recognise the force of our remarks; and, if he knows the quotation, would utter the couplet commencing " 0 ye gods and little fishes!" The stage arrangements generally are unworthy of the Italian Opera, and what should be "the sensation fire scene" at the end of the Second Act is nothing more than a mere house-warmiDg, ren- dered hopelessly ludicrous by the stupid stage business. But we can forgive everything for the sake of the principals—Albani, who was forced to repeat her great tour de force, and Trebei.LI, all but Treb'ly encored in the celebrated gavotte song, " In veder Vamata stanza." Fattre-Warned Fattre-Armed.—Great excitement at Scotland Yard on hearing that " A New Force" was coming into operation! The Police storage of force is wonderful, as where the force is stored it is impossible to say, the greatest diffioulty having always been to find any member of the Force when particularly wanted. TOL. LXXX. cc 290 [Junk 25, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE CHOICE OF A SCHOOL. Mrs. Beresford Midas. "I 'm so olad we 've put down Plantagenet's name for Eton, Beresford! Here 's the Newspaper says there are more Lords and Baronets there than ever!" Beresford Midas, Esq., J.P. (Brother and Junior Partner of Sir Oorgius). "Ah! but only one Dook! Pity there ain't a few more Dooks, Marla!" Mrs. Beresford Midas. "Perhaps there will be when Plantaoenet 's of AN AOE TO 00 THERE." Mr. Beresford Midas. "Let's 'ope so! At all events, we'll put down his name for 'Arrow as well; and whichever 'as most Dooks when the time comes, we'll choose that, yer know!" OUR DRAG. First Day. Brown, Jones, and Robinson. Hot! Very hot! Thundering hot! Thirsty day! Very thirsty day! Thundering thirsty day! Broicn. Backers have started well. I laid odds on Cradle for the Trial Stakes and brought it off. Jones. So did I. Rather a rook for the King, I fanoy. Robinson. So did I. But what could the King expect from a Cradle but a rock. [Drinks cheerily. Brown. Don't care for this Maiden Plate so much. I backed the favourite, Scotch Whiskey, and Kingdom has won. Jones. That's an omen that to-night Sir Wilfrid Lawson will smash Scotch Whiskey through the Kingdom. Robinson. I hope not. [Drinks doubtfully. Brown. Hang it all! I have laid three to one on Peter for the Gold VaBe, and see there he has stopped to kick! Robinson. Why doesn't somebody stop to kick him? Does nobody know how much I have got on him? Jones.' Hooray! hooray! Ambassadress wins. Bravo, Lord Faxmouth! Bravo, Mat Dawson! Bravo, Fordham! I always follow old George. Broicn and Robinson. Smash you and old George too! [Drink gloomily. Brown. Three cheers for the Americans! The betting over the Prince of Wales' Stakes settles the pronunciation— 5 to 4 | On Iroquois.' Jones. And what a bore We couldn't get more. Robinson. I have won a score. And—a—well,I will have something to drink. [Drink exultantly, and lunch till Ascot Stakes. Brown. Teviotdale wins! No, Retreat wins! Brought off another winner! Jones. No, you have not! There's an objection on account ef a cannon. Robinson. But Cannon was on Exeter. Jones. You idiot! Ha! ha! The objection 's sus- tained. The race goes to Teviotdale, and I win. Robinson. I knew it would be the moment Macdonald raised his whip. Brown. How on earth did you know? Robinson. Because he raised his whip to beat Retreat, and when you beat a retreat Brown. 1 wish I hadn't come out with you. [Drinks angrily and sulks till the finish. Brown. Now for this match between Lord Rosebehy and Mr. Leopold de Rothschild. Why, it's off! Jones. Of course a matoh would go off! Brown. You! Robinson. Lord Rosebeby loses a hogshead of claret. Jones. Then "Leo" will gaze on the wine when it is rosy and has been "Rosey'b." Robinson. You 1 [Drinks moodily and off to town. Second Day. Brown, Jones, and Robinson. What will win the Hunt Cup f — never mind about the little races to-day. Brown. I took a long shot about Peter Jones and Robinson. Ha! ha! You 're out of your misery already. What an unluekv duffer you are! Brown. I may be unlucky; but if you call me a duffer [Drtnk irritatedly. Brown, Jones, and Robinson. They 're off! Brown. Peter is off too. Jones and Robinson. But he has stopped to kiok. What a donkey you must be to back such an animal! Brown. But Arches has set him going again. Come on, Peter! Jones. He won't oatch them up! Brown. He will! Robinson. He hasn't caught them. Brown. He has! Oh, bravo, Archer! I would baok a jackass for the Derby with the Tinman up! Who said I was an unlucky duffer? Who said I was an ass? Which of you two addlepated idiots called me a donkey f I would have backed him for "a wilderness of monkeys." That's Shakspeare, and shows the Bard knew how to put the pot on! Hooray! [Drink uproariously. Third Day. Brown, Jones, and Robinson. Oh, something the rain! It has spoilt the walk in the Paddock, it has made the ladies cover up their dresses, it has spoilt our new white hats, and rendered Cup Day a failure. It has taken all the pluck out of us, and we not having the courage to lay 9 to 4 on Robert the Devil, which every plunger with the spirit of a mouse ought to do, have backed Foxhatt, Petronel, and Exeter, not one of which has got a 1000 to 1 chance. [Drink deeply. Fourth Day. Brown (solus). Shan't go to-day. Have got a bad head-ache. Shan't get up till late, don't think I shall get up at all. Jones and Robinson can go by themselves. Jones (solus). I don't see my way to settling over these three days, let alone another. I shan't go. Shown and Robinson can go by themselves. Robinson [solus). Hang the racing! Let Brown and Jones see to it. Shall take my wife to the British Museum I AFTER LAUNCH. New Song for the Polyphemus (not by Handel, but by Screw): Oh come along o me, ana be a Rollicking Ram.' And here's another suggestion for a Classical Music Hall series (first instalment, to be continued in our next)— Air—Aaron to Moses. Says Romulus to Remus, Talking of the times, Says Romulus to Remus, Let us make some rhymes. Thev 've launched a Ram-torpedo— Why call it Polyphemus? Is he safe to have his eye put out P" "That's where it is, says Remus. June 25, 1881.] 291 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Bizzy Bookmaker. "I 've been hit bathes heavily lately, Gammy." Gam-bettor Man. "Oh dear, so have I! I 'm almost Ca-hoks ds Cons at J' CHARITABLE FRIDAY FIXTURES FOR JULY. t.—Tight-rope dancing by Professional Beauties at the South Kensington Museum, in aid of the funds of the Retreat of Distressed Washerwomen. 8th.—Sook race between Dukes and Marquises in the Reserve Inclosure of St. James's Park, in aid of the funds of the South- West Diddlesex Hospital for Decayed Donkeys. 15th.—Aristocratic Leap-frog (allowance to Ladies) at the Royal Horticultural Gardens in aid of the funds of the Infant Robbers Association. 22nd.—Grand swimming competition of Dowager Countesses in the Serpentine, in aid of the funds of the Almshouses for Needy Millionnaires. 29th.—Grinning through horse-collars by Distinguished Amateurs, in aid of the funds of anything and everything. BRINGING FISH TO A NICE MARKET. The well-fed, perhaps over-fed, supporters of Billingsgate will probably not be shocked to hear that, during the merry month of May, about six thousand pounds of fish-food a-day were con- demned and destroyed.at this ill-regulated and totally inadequate market. Eighty-three tons of fish corrupted and annihilated in a month, and representing brain-power enough to furnish half the Corporations, Vestries, and Parliaments in the universe!_ If the hungry and starving poor could reach this food before it is spoilt by human wickedness and folly, the Metropolis would be saved from at least two horrible scandals. But the Commission of Inquiry will set this right. At least, let us hope so. Go it, Mr. J. T. Bedford. You owe it to yourself and the public to show that you detest anything like a nuisance or an obstruction. So—away with the Billingsgate as it is, and let us Bee what it is to be in the future. 292 [Jcnb 25, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. KXTUACTKD FBOM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. THE FORMS OF THE HOUSE." (Jfy EUttri* Light.) Monday, June J.4.—Pretty bit of oomedy between Mr. Parnell and Mr. Biuoak. Latter had on the paper an Amendment to the Land Bill. Moved it in due course and a luminous speech. Some- thing about subdividing farms, and, as the Premier gently pointed out, had been already debated through one or two nights. That, of course, was a matter of no consequence to Joseph Gili.Is. In fact, it added something to the charm of the undertaking. When Premier down, Parnf.lt. up, and ceremoniously alluding to J. B. as "my hon. friend," besought him in the interests ot the Bill, and with the object of expediting its progress, not to persist in his Amendment. Perfectly delightful to see Jolt B.'s sternly judicial air whilst lis- tening to his friend's appeal. In his ingenuous countenance one could behold the reflection of the struggle going on in his breast. On one side were the interests of his country as represented by prevent- ing the House of Commons doing anv work. On the other was the appeal of his leader. Of course, the little scene had been arranged beforehand. But what true artist allows his representation ot a character to suffer because he has attended rehearsals P When Paknki.i. resumed his seat, having played his part very well, Joseph Gillis rose, and with his thumb in the capacious arm-pit of his waistcoat, gently chid his hon. friend for putting him in the dilemma where duty combated personal inclination. He "differed from his hon. friend," he said, and stated his reasons at length. But it was not for him to stand up against his leader. Therefore he would withdraw his Amendment; which, with a stately wave of the hand, he instructed " Mr. 1'layfaik, Sir," to do. Later in the sitting an attempt to imitate this perfect scene was made with Tom Collins in the place of Mr. Parnell, and Lord Randolph Churchill in the role of Mr. Biooae. Tom is pretty well, there being a rugged honesty in the cut of his trowsers, an unimpeachable integrity in the fit of his "Bluchers." But Ran- dolph is not to be compared, in this character, with Joseph Gili.is. He lacks the fine air of mastering the situation from the very first grasp. Nor has he the gift which J. B. possesses in the highest degree, of delicately shading off his various duties of being genial towards his hon. friend, snubbing the Prime Minister and terrifying the Chairman of Committees. Business done.— Land Bill considered in Committee. Tuesday.—There has, it appears, been a great wave of interest at Frome, impetuously rushing forward with desire to hear Mr. Henri Samuelson's views on the Liquor Traffic. Am bound to say the feeling is not shared to any maddening extent by the House. But this is a mere 1 ride, easily explicable. Mr. Samuelson knows very well all about it. He is aware of the tendency in the human breast to be envious of young and gifted men who come prominently to the front at political crises, and sway the multitude at Frome and other busy centres of oivilisation. Mr. Samuelson by no means anxious to make a speech. But private inclination must yield to public duty. Accordingly he temporarily dispossesses Mr. Dilwtn of the corner-seat below the Gangway, whilst he states his views before a hushed senate. Perhaps he might have managed to speak from whatever place he usually occupies. But on an occasion like this, with Frome anxious and the solar system disturbed, it is necessary that he should occupv a promi- nent position in the House, and there is none better than the seat for which the late Mr. Roebuck used to struggle with the Member for Swansea. Spoke for a long time with easy grace and self-possession. Opened his heart to the House; showed how laboriously he had thought out the question. Most anxious that the listening world and the dislo- cated solar system should not misunderstand the precise length to which he was able to go in support of the happy and highly- favoured Baronet in charge of the Resolution. Every opportunity afforded the House of comprehending his views. But not for the first time in history Wisdom cried aloud in the streets, and none listened. A oheerful group of country gentlemen in the neighbour- hood of Sir Walter Barttf.lot listened only to jeer. When Mr. Samuelson related how he and "a friend" had driven two miles out of London, and had been struck with the number of public- houses on the way, ribald references were audibly drawn; and when he went on to state, with accustomed detail, that at any given place on the road they " could see three or four public-houses at the same time," some one asked in a stage-whisper whether this was towards the end of the journey P The coarse suggestion which underlay this question, and the fancy picture of this able young man driving for a day out, dropping in with a "friend" into public-houses on the way, and at the end of a two miles' drive seeing double or treble, was much enjoyed by middle-aged gentlemen who ought to have known better. Business done.—Local Option carried by 196 votes against 154. Wednesday.—Sir Wilfrid Lawson, moving last night his Local Option Resolution, made only one joke, and that, -in the opinion of the House, halted in the last syllable. Speaking of Mr. Warton and his friendly habit of indiscriminately "blocking" Bills, Sir Wilfrid said he was "the greatest blocker of the age." Perhaps there was a slight accidental halting over the last syllable of the word. But when Members opposite inquiringly said "Blockhead " P Sir Wilfrid answered, "No, no. you know what I mean—blooker." Waeton not present at this joke. Seems to have heard of it since, and a usually placid temper is disturbed. Comes down to-day and looses off his " accumulated thought" on the Welsh Sunday Closing Bill. His thought a trifle turgid, and his delivery a little loud. Runs Alderman Fowler very close in the matter of volume of voice. Now denounces at top of it people who prefer water themselves and object to others drinking whiskey. Only if Mr. Warton could say all this without raising his voice as if he were stranded by St. Thomas's Hospital and were addressing the House on the other side of the River, it would be a personal convenience to those near him. Business done.—Patents Bill passed. Thursday Night.—It's all very well for people to shoot out the Up and wink the eye at Randolph because he sent a friend to Lord Hartinoton with (as malicious people say) as certain assurance of getting a safe answer as if he had conveyed a cartel to the Monu- ment. But see how it works to-night. Someone having moved to report progress at midnight, Randolph rose and in really bland terms—" the most oourteous way I oould," as he subsequently de- scribed his interposition—supported the Motion. The Premier, in opposing it, turned a little rough on Randolph, perhaps for the first time in his life without provocation. The fact is, Mr. Warton had a few minutes earlier been shouting across the House at the Peskier, whose eye when he rose accidentally lighting upon the submissive figure of Randolph, he instinctively fell upon him and rended him, upon the principle that if he didn't deserve it now he had a short time ago, or would presently. Almost with tears in his eyes, Kandolph protested against thiB taunt, which he truly said he had not deserved. There the matter might seem to rest. But a significant movement June 25, 1881.] 293 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. on the part of the 0'Gorman Mahon towards the neigh- bourhood of Randolph suggested ulterior oonsequences. The O'Mahon deeply resents the preference shown to Captain O'Shea. "If there is business about, I 'm the boy," he says. "I was out three times before O'Shea was born." Perhaps the Premier's quick eye noted all this. Whe- ther or not, when House cleared for Division, he hastily crossed over, explained to Randolph that it was all a mistake, and begged him to think no more of it. Pretty to see the group—the Premier explaining with animation, Randolph listening with due admixture of deference and doubt, and in the background the O'Mahon growling like a dog that sees a toothsome bone, almost within his reach, suddenly and unexpectedly withdrawn. Business done.—Clause One of Land Bill passed. Friday.—Something serious will have to be done shortly with Mr. "Warton. His natural sense of humour was not originally fine, and by too frequent flashing is apt to grow monotonous. It consists wholly of interrupting speakers by bellowing (the word is parliamentary)— C*Hear! hear!")—at incongruous moments. The House, weary to death of the incessant buzz of its own voice, gratefully leaps at opportunity for laughter. Whilst it has the keenest eye for true humour, it will laugh loudly at jests that in ordinary conversation would be met with a polite stare of inquiry. It must always have someone in cap and bells. Mr. Warton, uncon- sciously at first, was an early candidate for the office, and it was promptly bestowed upon him. The only funny thing about Mr. Warton was his unconsciousness. Now that he has set up as a professional humorist he has become unbearable. Loud in voice, boisterous in manner, and of dullest intelligence, he, being hitherto unchecked, frequently succeeds in bringing the House of Commons momentarily down to his own level. Honourable Gentlemen near him are largely respon- sible for this. It is not a role they would like to under- take themselves. But since it annoys Mr. Gladstone, and occasionally brings about disorder to the detriment of business, they egg on the Member for Bridport; and it is not altogether his fault if he is beginning to assume the position of the representative of the Conservative Party. Mr. Warton was at best a poor joke. He is now played out, and, for the credit of the House, should be snuffed out. Business done.—Clause Two of Land Bill passed. "RATIONAL DRESS." [A "Rational Dress Society" has been formed under the Presidency of Viscountess Hakherton, which recommends the adoption of a "dual garmenture," or "divided skirt," exactly like the old Bloomer costume.] Nothing succeeds like a little variety, Novelty still is the craze of the day; Here is the latest, the newest Society, Bidding folks dress in a sensible way. Formed upon principles quite international, Viscountess Harrerton taking the Chair; Dress, it declares, must henceforward be rational, What then are Ladies in future to wear? Surely reform comes with too much velocity, Bloomers, it seems, are to startle again; Skirts be divided, Oh, what an atrocity! To " dual garmenture " folks must attain. True that another skirt hides this insanity Miss Mart Walker in old days began; Yet it should flatter our masculine vanity. For this means simply the trowsers of Man! Very Likely. The evening of the Grand Prix the elated Americans in Paris wanted to revive at Mabille the sort of row that used to take place every Derby Night at Cremorne. The name "Foxhall" was so suggestive of the ancient Royal Property, the Thousand Additional Lamps, and of Cre- morne! The evening, however, passed oft respectably enough, the American division contenting themselves with chorusing a French-Italian adaptation of the tenor song in Rigoletto— "La Donna a Mabille." And so hem* to enjoy " that sweet repose which inno- oence and virtue only knows." N$*f A BLANK DAY. Old QerU (greeting Friend). "Hullo, Jorkins! 'Been Fishing you catch! Jorkins (gleomily). "Ha'-past Six Train home!" t What did CHRONICLE OF THE WEEK. (For the Use of Strangers to Town and Friends at a Distance.) 20th. Monday.— Queen's Accession. In commemoration of this event Her Gracious Majesty is peculiarly gracious all day, and is bound by her Coronation Oath to accede to every request that is made to her by anybody. State Apartments open to everybody with or without distinction from 1 a.m. till midnight. Cates and ale (free; in the Butteries at Buckingham Palace. Dance of Sentries at 11 a.m. Torchlight procession. Largesse given away freely from 2 to 4. N.B.—We regret that this didn't appear sooner, as so many loyal subjects might have availed themselves of the information. Several theatres on this occasion threw open their doors to the public. 21st. Tuesday.—Longest Day. Grand fete in celebration of this anniversary kept at Long's Hotel, Bond Street. No charge for admission. Come as you are. 22nd. Wednesday.—Musio on the Water. Great.contrapuntist match on the Serpentine, for two pounds a side, between Sir Julius Benedict and Dr. Sullivan. An amalgamation of the French and German Theatrical Companies, known as the " Forrin' hand Club," will drive round the Park. Mile. Sarah Bernhardt will swim Miss Beckwith from the Gaiety to the Aquarium, Mr. John Hol- lingshead to hold the Stakes. Numbers of the Hyde Park Powder Magazine given away gratis. 23rd. Thursday.—Annual holiday at the Zoological Gardens. All the beasts let out. Admission free. In the evening Fireworks and Rejoicings. 24th. Friday. — Lecture at the Royal College of Surgeons, by Sir Henry Thompson, on "The Humour of the Scottish Language," illustrated by various interesting surgical experiments. Thames Yacht Club Ball for Skippers only. Cold wheel for supper. Full dress, thimble-rig permitted. 25th. Saturday.—Exhibition of Loan Collection of curious I.O.U.'s and other documents at South Kensington. 10 a.m. Drummers reviewed by the Master of the Rolls in St. James's Park. The United All England Dentists' Cricket Match at Lord's. Stumps drawn for nothing all day. Shooting for cocoa-nuts begins in Epping Forest. Racing Proverr (after a successful Derby, Oaks, and Ascot).—1' Don't cry till you 're out of the Good-wood." 294 [Jtraa 25, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. %' REMOVAL OF ANCIENT LANDMARKS. Lady Gwendoline. "Papa says I'm. to be a great Artist, and exhibit at tub Royal Academy!" Lady Yseulte. "And Papa says I'a to be a great Pianist, and play at thb Monday Pops!" Lady Edelgitha. "And I 'm going to be a famous Actress, and act Ophelia, and cut out Miss Ellen Terry! Papa says I MAY—THAT IS, IF I CAN, YOU KNOW!" The New Governess. "Goodness gracious, Young Ladies! is it possible His Grace can allow you even to think of such things! "Why, my Papa was only a poor Half-pay Officer, but the bare thought of my ever Playing in public, or Painting for hire, would have simply horrified him !—and as for acting Ophelia—or anything else—gracious good- ness, you take my breath away!" A GIANT IN GERM; OK, WHAT WILL HE COME TO? Coal. Humph! That the prodigy? Do not think much of him. Steam. Rather a mannikin, eh, alter all? Coal. "Who says we 're doomed to collapse at the touch of him P Steam. Who says his avatar heralds our fall? Coal. We look Like giants now, regular Titans, eh? Steam. Something like Forces; but this is a child. Coal. Still, he's a sort of an expression that frightens, eh? Steam. Funking again? Now you do make me wild! 8hort time ago you were seared by old Jevons, Sir; That little fright you 've contrived to survive. Keep up your pecker, do? Coal. Yes, but good Heavens, Sir, Isn't he sucking, and doesn't he thrive? Heroules once, you know, lay in a bassinet. See what he came to! Steam. "Well, what must be, must; Don't let us croak; there is something so crass in it. We 've done good work, and may still do, I trust. Cual. Humph! Perspiration I feel down my neck trickle At the bare thought of King Coal on the shelf! Couldn't we strangle this Infant Eleotrical Ere he Steam. Now would you have liked it yourself? You had your youth, though 'twas always a grubby one. Coal. You 'd ne'er have had one at all, but for me. Steam. Pooh! But this Infant's a regular chubby one. Bottle-food seems with this babe to agree. Coal. Coal. Portable potency 1 Steam. Energy potable! Fattre's Feeding Bottle! A cleverish scheme. Coal. Yes, I admit that the notion is notable. Steam. Ah! how the world is beginning to dream! Ere this young Titan is my age or ycur age, "Wiser than me it would puzzle to tell "What may result from Eleotrical Storage Thus of Dynamical Energy. Well, Sportsmen its chances would lay more than evens on. Men are ungrateful! Why, just at the time When they are making a fuss about Stephenson Steam. 'Tisn't for us to count Progress a crime. We have our faults. You are dirty, incurably, Uglify Nature and nullify Art. Coal. You now and then carry on unendurably, Bounce and blow up and Steam. Ah well, for my part, If this young spark, as is fancied by Thomson, Turn out a true Titan-Ariel-Puck, Who, without mischief, will carry huge romps on, All I can say is, the world is in luck! Parliamentary Presumption. A good old lady happened to hear that a Select Committee is now sitting on a Rivers Conservancy and Floods Prevention Bill. "A Floods Prevention Bill!" she exclaimed aghast. "What next'r An Earthquakes Prevention Bill, I shouldn't wonder. Awful 1" PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—June 25, 1881. a WHAT WILL HE GROW TO?" June 25, 1881.] 297 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Sprightly Damsel. "Oh, Major Gkeen, how is it you are not Dancing?" Major Green (Staff—late Lieutenant 4Sth Plungers—who, by the way, never passed out of the Siding-School). "Oh—ah—you see—the Fact IS I NEVAH DaUNCP. NOW. SlNCE I LEFT THE SERVICE, I FEEL QUITE ABBOAD WITHOUT MY SPURS, YOU KNOW I" A RISE IN TURKS. (An Extract from the latest Advertisement.) The Sultan presents his compliments to the Crowned Heads, Nobility, and Gentry of Europe, and bees to say that he has made up his mind to turn over a new leaf. His Imperial Majesty is pre- pared, to deal in a spirit of the greatest possible liberality with his good and honest friends the Bondholders. He has determined to make many concessions. He will chat the matter quietly over with anybody. Further, to England he will give the security of Cyprus; to France, Tunis; to Austria, Bosnia; and to Russia, Merv. These guarantees are a proof (if one is needed) of the good faith that will characterise for the future the dealings between the Sublime Porte and all foreigners. The Sultan, moreover, has determined to order the Khedive of Egypt to pay any sums of money that henceforward may be advanced to His Imperial Majesty. In conclusion, in return for all these valuable concessions, the Sultan would ask the same civilised world to advance, on His Majesty's personal security (and the Sultan's word is as good as his bond—if not, indeed, better), the unimportant amount of half-a-dozen Millions sterling. Or—would take £1000 dotcn and have done with it, ^Esthetics at Ascot. Philistine Sportsman (quoting the odds). "Two to one" on Robert the Devil, you know. Sweet She-JEsthete. Did he really? How delightful! What a quite too awfully utter name for a Jockey! Philistine Sportsman (puzzled). Beg pardon, I—ha—don t quite understand— Stceet She-Esthete (surprised). Why, did you not say that Too Too icon" on—the horse you mentioned? BEANS AND BACON. A Gastronomic Ode, lovingly dedicated to a Modern Amphitryon. Amphitryon, thine honoured head had schemed A dinner some new I'm; his fame might stake on. Apicius? Pooh! The Roman never dreamed Of Beans and Bacon! A banquet for the Gods! At their high feast When had thejr '40 port their thirst to slake on? Or could Ambrosia hold it in the leaBt With Beans and Bacon? Such Beans! As tender as the budlings green When Spring her verdant vesture first doth take on. She feedeth nut on blushful Hippocrene, But Beans and Bacon! Such Bacon! Marrowy, melting, mellow, mild, See it the cautious trident curl and flake on! All's vanity,—after a plate soft piled With Beans and Bacon! Bucolio P Bah! The rusty, adipose. Clown-fodder, the coarse " broads'' churl molars ache on, Resemble but as ruddle does the rose, Such Beans and Bacon! Arcadia? Verily, but plus Caremc. Theocritus his Hybfa had forsaken Had he but known, and fluted forth the fame Of Beans and Bacon! Simplex munditiis! Of all dishes best! But 'twould o'ertax a dithyrambic Lacon la compass brief to sing the beauties blest Of Beans and Bacon! Amphitryon veritable oii Von dine, (And still would dine) Pindaric fire should Wftke on The lyre for thee, of hosts the true four fine,— And Beans and Bacon! REAL SPORT. CATCHING A FIVE-POUNDER. Surprise of the Quiet Ang- ler on hooking the Fish Tor- pedo, lost tit the Thames near Woolwich ten days ago. A Reward of Five Pounds was offered for its recovery. More Government. The Scotch, very naturally, are beginning to be jealous of the amount of government bestowed upon Ireland, and are asking, as ft first instalment, for a responsible Minister. The demand, coming from the Earl of Fife, is put as gently as possible to a Ministry who are hopelessly involved in the toils of Irish Legislation, but backed, as it is, by strong national feeling, it wiU be urged by less con- siderate advocates before many Sessions have passed. It Will have to be conceded, and why not faoe it at once? 298 [Junk 25, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARL THE WORMS HAVE TURNED. The chief art of Govern- ment is to do nothing with an air of doing much. The best administrators are those who have thoroughly mastered the axiom that zeal is a crime, and who are clever at sitting upon troublesome questions. Un- fortunately there are questions that will not be sat upon, and the grievanoe of the Telegraph Clerks is one of them. The Go- vernment have "considered" this grievance so long and so dreamily, that at last the dis- contented Clerks have threat- ened to strike. They may not at present have the organisa- tion and the command of funds of the "working-man," who is always on the verge of striking, but these will come in the fulness of time. The Government have roused a spirit of self-reliance in these over-worked and under-paid servants of a money-grubbing department, which no tardy concessions can destroy. The patronising, not to say fatherly articles in some of the news- papers will encourage this spirit, for under the tone of warning is an ill-concealed fear that skilful telegraphists are not to be obtained from the fields and gutters. How much better it would have been to have "considered" less and acted more, and have yielded gracefully. COLDSTREAM AND COLD WATER. Among recent Regimental Festivities the principal, of course, was the annual dinner of the Nulli Secundus Club. The name of this distinguished Society may seem to imply that, as nobody could fight if nobody could find a second, it LI II, PT1 302 [July 2, 1881. PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHAEIVAEI. CONSIDERATION FOR OTHERS. Master Tommy. "I say, it'll be jolly, if Cambridge wins! That is, I think it 's jolly, of course, because my papa was at cambr1dqb, you know. Which was your Papa at, Cook—Oxford or Cambridge?" A PORTE 5IN A STORM. The Sultan (seated toith Mb. Punch. Pipes and coffee for two). Glad to see you, Mr. Punch. You 're an exception; but (plaintively) why can't they leave me undisturbed? My territory has become "small by degrees, and beautifully less." Mr. Punch. As Cox sweetly sings to Sergeant Bouncer! But what have you to compbiin of? The Sultan. "Well—England has occupied Cyprus. Mr. Punch. And a nice pleasant place it is! The Sultan. And France has pacified Tunis. Mr. Punch. And consequently delighted the Italians! The Sultan. And Austria has annexed Bosnia and Herzegovina. Mr. Punch. Without, of course, firing a shot or losing a soldier! The Sultan. And Greece has claimed Epirus and a large part of Thessaly. Mr. Punch. And has had her claim readily admitted and immediately satisfied! The Sultan. Yes, yes, I know you will have your joke! But, in plain English, they 've taken nearly all the limbs of my empire; and if you don't get the Anti-Vivisec- tion Society to interfere, I shan't have a leg left to stand upon! And now what have you to say to that f Mr. Punch. Well—ahem! You see, as a Bondholder— (suddenly—Sappy Thought)—I will leave the matter in the hands of this gentleman! [Introduces Lord Duffebtn, and exit. 11 Politics and Pbog. — The distinguished American Ambassador and Humorist, the Hon. J. R. Lowell, told the patrons and promoters of the National Training School for Cookery, assembled, the other day, at Devon- shire House, that:—" He had seen many instances in which a man's views on great political questions had been decided by the state of his appetite." As, for instance, when the question is whether or no a nation shall eat humble pie. But Mr. Lowell has always seen that question decided in the negative—at home. GOOD NEWS FOR US ALL! An old proverb tells us that when a certain class of persons fall out, another class of persons get their rights. It is therefore very good news for hungry Londoners to learn, as they do from the Citizen, that certain Salesmen of the various City Markets are quar- relling in the most glorious manner. It appears that the Chairman of the Markets Committee of the Corporation is a Fruit Salesman, and, for reasons best known to himself, bitterly opposed the Billingsgate Fish Market inquiry; but it being resolved upon in spite of him, he, in a fit of anger and pique, gave notice that the inquiry should be extended to ascertain- ing the reason of the high price of Meat, whereupon a Meat Salesman gave notice to include in the inquiry Fruit and Vegetables! So, thank3 to the good feeling that originated the inquiry why Fish is so scarce and so dear, and the bad feeling that extends the inquiry to Meat and Fruit and Vegetables, we may fairly hope the whole matter of the Food Supply of the Metropolis will be thoroughly and heartily inquired into. When we remember, too, what was stated by one Common Coun- cilman as a rumour, and confirmed by another Common Councilman as a fact, that the concentration of the Meat Supply of the Metro- polis into one market raised the price twopence per pound upon the 220,000 tons that enter that market yearly, which means an increase of cost to the inhabitants of the Metropolis of more than four mil- lions sterling per annum, it will be seen what gigantic proportions the new inquiry is attaining. Upon this Mr. Punch ventures to remark that whereas on the one hand it is almost impossible to hold up to sufficient contempt the man who enters public life solely to serve his own private interests, so, on the other hand, no one deserves more thoroughly the respect and support of his fellows than he who devotes very much of his time and all his intelligence to an endeavour to cheapen the food of the poor. The new Committee, therefore, must not be daunted by what may be a subtle attempt to overweight them, but proceed to a thorough inquiry, feeling assured, as they may fairly do, that their labours will be watched with sympathy and goodwill by all whose goodwill is worth obtaining. Mr. Punch also hopes the inquiry will be a public one. PAROCHIAL PRODIGALS. By accounts from Oldham it appears that the Poor Law Guardians there have reoeived what every orthodox believer in Political Economy must consider a merited Bnub from the Official Auditor of the Local Government Board. In auditing their accounts he disallowed a sum of some £9. This expense had been incurred for flower-vases, which the Guardians said they had provided because they desired "to relieve the dingy appearance of the place." Ah! They did not know their duty, which, of course, was to relieve, not the dingy appearance of the workhouse, but the pockets of the ratepayers, by reducing parochial relief to a minimum. Rebuking their unprincipled, not to say sinful extravagance, the faithful official of the Local Government informed those unbelieving spendthrifts that "flowers were not necessary for the relief of the poor; and the rates could only be applied in the relief of distress." He went to the root of the matter. Had he merely demurred to a Eayment of £9 for flower-vases, on the ground that flower-pots would ave done as well, and that poor's-rates were not meant to be squandered on blue china, he would have said less than enough. But he proved equal to the occasion. His point was that flowers are a superfluity which the inmates of a workhouse ought not to be allowed. Because the only relief of distress proper for paupers is such as will just suffice to keep body and soul together. _ It is mon- strous to think of relieving the dingy appearance of their surround- ings. Of course! Bumble for ever! Away with Heaven's bounties! "The House " was intended for labourers past work, or unable to obtain employment. Poor devils like these mustn't reside in a Garden of Paradise before their time. No, no, says Bumble, no Paradises for Paupers here below, if you please. To the Billingsgate Bunglers. Youe waste of fish-food, and its brain-feeding phosphorus, In stomach and mind is now plainly pure loss to us: You, food-spoiling pack. Merit bowstring and Back, And to stick-in-the-mud—not of Thames, but the Bosphorus. 304 [July 2, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVAEI. No. 73— As it Ought to be. THE G. G. G, OR GR0SVEN0R GALLERY GUIDE. No. 37. Sisters. By Mrs. Alma Tadema. One sister in bed, the other bothering her by tickling her face:— 'Tis the voice of the sluggard, I hear her complain, I must my small mug guard, Don't touch it again. No. 56. Endymion. G. F. Watts, R.A. Mr. Watts is going in for sport. Here's another. He calls it Endymion, but the ligure of Diana stooping to conquer is clearly intended for Bend- Or. No. 67. Leafy June. W. B. Gardner. We 've heard of " Ikey Mo," but, Mr. Gardner, who the diggins is Leafy Jewne? No. 73. Village, §c. By Edgar Barclay. It is not Barclay's Entire, the Artist having evidently been pressed for time, and com- pelled to foreshorten a figure in the foreground. We complete it as it evidently ought to be, and dedicate it (as Barclay, of course, originally intended) to Perkins. No. 79. The Balance of Forces. By Walter Maclarem. Pig mealy 'un and Gal-a-tea-ring along. No. 102. "Breezy England"— brown and white horses, a hne windy sky and rain cloud. P. R. Morris, A.R.A. A much more simple and appropriate title would have been llnrses and Bains. No. 111. "Evening." R. C. Minor. "Shades of Evening," in C Minor, re-set by permission of F. Clay. No. 146. The Bt. Rev. Lord Bishop of Salis- bury. W.B. Rich- mond. "The use of Sarum" to an Artist. No. 149. B. H. Hebiouir, A. R. A. The merit of this pic- ture is that it will look equally well upside down. The Gloom of Jdwal turned topsy-turvy re- presents Pre- A da mite Bat Asleep in the Rocky Mountains, on having it our own way. No. 263. ''Bashful." G. H. Barrable, she 'd be un-Barrable. Just nice. No. 2C3. A Study in the New Forest. No. 149.—" Quite the Beverse." We prefer it like this. We insist Not too Bashful—or rJiT '£££& ': ".■* No. 286—Toby or not Toby? Newton Benett. Queer place to have a study. Where are the writing- table and bookshelves? No. 272. The Full Moon. J. C. Farrer. Full? It looks empty: but it's a " Farrer goot pioture for a' that. No. 278. "Study of a Head." A. Ward. The head has evidently been touched by a skil- ful brush. This is our A-Ward. No. 286. Puzzle Pic- ture. By D. Murray. Find Punch, Toby (?), and Sarah Bernhardt. No. 288. "Greet- ing." By the Hon. Mrs. Boyle. Lot of little Boy Cupids; quite Boyle-like. No. 302. Ghosts of the Past; or, Frogs Buried in a Pond. By J. T. WHITE. No. 302.—Frog-moor. This is enough for one morning's exercise on our "Gee-Gee." Let us refresh our artistic palate and enjoy a cigar that draws perfectly. Might be better M.-P.-Lloyd. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED PROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. Monday. June 20.—Why won't the House let Mr. Morgan Lloyd speak to it? I 'm sure he is a very nice gentleman, and must be learned, since he is a ft. C. But sure as ever the sound of his voice is heard, everybody says, "Oh!" and "Agreed!" Perhaps his voice is a little reedy, and there is something about his accent reminis- cent of an Eisteddfod. This is Mr. Gladstone's notion. "Ever been at an Eisteddfod, Toby?" he said, when, having watched Sir Charles Forster out of the way, I dropped in on the Treasury Bench for a bit of a chat; "I was once ; and the moment I hear Morgan Lloyd, there comes back to me a smell of damp people, and a sense of the rain trickling through holes in a canvas tent. It always rains at an Eisteddfod, you know. I see a bard reciting an englynion, and I have a presentiment that there will be a row presently when the prizes come to be distributed. Curi- ous, these associations of memory always happen when I hear Morgan Lloyd." This is all very well for Glad- stone, who can go through any- thing. But as a very small per-centage of surviving Members can have been at an Eisteddfod, that doesn't account for the general move- ment. I think it must be the lawyers and ft. C.'s, angry because Morgan has been made as good as them, whilst the stuff-gowns are envious for lack of Morgan's silk. Business done.—Clause Three of Land BiU passed. Tuesday Night.— Looked in at the House of Lords to-night to see ray Lord of Salisbury balancing himself on the tight-rope. Really a performance of exquisite skill and stately grace. Don't know much about Imperial politics myself. But understand generally that the Marquis is rather in a mess on this Tunis business. It was to come again to-night, and how would he deal with it? My Lord preternaturally grave, even subdued, under the weight of patriotic apprehension for the fortunes of the Ministry, and the safety of national interests. Now, as on previous occasion, ignored with nonchalance the circumstance of his conversation with M. Waddlngton, and subsequent letters, of the subject even by most distant reference. But since he had therein distinctly declared that British interests were not affected by French greed of Tunis, he now threw the oegis of his protection and approval round the Government "up to a certain point." The certain point reached, Lord Salisbury's gloom deepened, and the solemn shaking of the nead made the blood run cold. There was nothing in his secret treaty with M. Waddlngton about the appointment of M. Roustan as Foreign Minister of the Bey. If such a thing had been proposed, of course Lord Salisbury would have exclaimed "Perish Cyprus!" and would have withdrawn from his bargain at Berlin. This was the certain point; and the portentous manner in which Ix>rd Salisbury, leaning his elbow on the table, and shaking his head over the unconscious inkbottle, gradually brought this to the front, leaving the rest farther and farther in the background, was highly creditable to him. Noble Lords, who had formerly been led to think rather well of Lord Granville, began to look upon him with suspicion. He had been right up to a certain point; why had he not stopped there? When Lord Salisbury resumed his seat, crossed his hands at the wrists, drooped his head a little on on« side, the usually hard ex- pression on his face softened, and something like a tear gathered, m his eyes. He was truly sorry for the Government. He would be so glad if he could continue to give them the undivided support vouchsafed in the speech by which he broke the long silence follow- ing the unfortunate discovery of his last secret treaty. But this Did not treat that part Hip-se Dixit; or, The Attitude of the Opposition. July 2, 1881.] 305 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. certain point was too much for him; and everyone felt that the next time he speaks it will be a great deal more, and that he will be prepared with increased regret, but undiminished vigour, to denounce the whole policy of the Government in Tunis. Wednesday Afternoon.—Bound to say that no one looking in at the House of Commons this afternoon would guess how grievously driven we are for time to do our work. Serjeant Simon on his feet charging the Jury, who are eighteen in number, and nine in sleep. Incidentally, Brother Simon, who is a man of wide accomplishments, gives us another definition of respect- ability. Talking about a man, who was condemned to be hanged, and wasn't, Serjeant said, "He is now a most respectable man, the father of a family; 1 think," he added, hesitating, feeling he was on his oath, and not inclining to admit too much—" a grandfather." This, I suppose, is the comparative of respectability, and the superlative would be greatgrandfather. "Like a man who keeps a gig is respectable," Sir William Habcotibt observes, one who keeps a carriage and pair is more respectable, and the man who keeps an omnibus is most respectable. This was only a flash in private conversation. When addressing the House, Sir William most decently dolorous, most artistically depressed. His speech added delightfully to the prevailing gloom. Debate all about a Bill, brought in by Mr. Pease, to abolish hanging. "You 're against capital punishment?" I said to Mr. Beioht. "In theory, yes; but in practice I'm not quite sure how it would be if I could name my own men; and the eye of the great Tribune, wandering over the Opposition Benches, rested with lingering glance upon Mr. Wabton, Mr. Healt, and Lord Randolph Chubchill. Business done.—Mr. Pease's Bill rejected by 175 votes against 79. Thursday.—Lord Folkestone obligingly shows me some of the sketches he makes during melancholy mo- ments with the Land Bill. Just as in a very poor story I had read somewhere, one, Madame Defarge, is always knitting, whatever else may be going on, so Lord Folke- stone is always sketching, and has a wonderfully fine collection of the heads of the people opposite and below the Gangway. "Here's T. P. O'Connob," my Lord says. "But I must do him again in crayons, as I can't get with a lead pencil the precise shade of that well-made snuffy-brown suit. It's wonderful stuff, looking not a bit the worse than when Paenell wore it in February. Very clever retort too on spiteful people. They say that Paenell keeps his young men at the Westminster Palace Hotel, paying their bills out of Land League funds. Well, that's not true. But the suit is unmistakeable, and the economic principle most commendable.—Yes, I must do T. P. in crayons." And in the meanwhile my Lord dashed off on the margin of his orders a striking profile of Petee. Committee on Land Bill very quiet till after midnight, when they got on the question of public-houses on agricultural holdings. Colonel Tottenham mentioned the existence of a village of twenty houses where there are ten public-houses. Odd to see the sudden brighten- ing up of Mr. Callan, and the alacrity with which he rose to inform the Committee that " he knew that vil- lage." But why should the Committee laugh in this uproarious manner? Business done.—Still on Fourth Clause of Land Bill. Saturday Morning.—And the morning and the even- ing were a dull day. Don't know which the duller. At Morning Sitting, the Colonels on Childebs' Scheme; in the evening, Petee on Foreign Politics. At one o'clock this morning, when he ought to have been in bed, Gladstone flogging the dead horse of the Anglo- Turkish Convention, and slaying the stiff and stark foreign policy of Lord Salisbubt. Business done.—Much talk. THE PARKS FOR "THE PEOPLE!" (Yes—but what Sort of " People " f) Whene'ee I take my walks abroad, How many sots I see, And though I never speak to them, They often speak to me. I do not heed their coarse remarks, But with their playful cusses They frighten from our healthful Parks The Children and their Nusses. ON THE BISE. The Land-Bill Balloon is gradually going up to the Lords. Everyone will be delighted when the last grand ascent of all is announced—i.e., the Royal Assent. EN PRINCE! (Being a Leaf respectfully extracted from Somebody's Journal.) 3 a.m. to 9 a.m.—After distressing dream that somehow I had been persuaded to become permanent and hereditary chairman at a perpetual dinner in aid of the funds of the Indigent Lord Mayor's Mutual Orphans' Society, wake, fancying I am opening the "Atlantic Tunnel." Open my own eyes quite unofficially. Think of what I have to get through to-day. Breakfast sharp. Send for Francis Knollts. Reads me all the European papers through in seven lan- guages as quick as he can. Not much in them. Letters. Five hundred invitations to various places in the three kingdoms. Answer all. He tells me there are twenty-seven Foundation-stones down for next Tuesday. Wish they would club together, and build a wall of them all, somewhere in the Park. Off to a Studio or two. Open a couple of Bridges on my way. Photographed. Ask Fbancis what comes next?" Fbancis ! 'y "Anon, anon, Sir!" Recollect that in Shakspeare— Prince Sal in Henry the Fourth. 9 a.m to 3 p.m.—Business talk with my Attorney-General about Duchy, in Cornish. Language new to him. Amusing. Off to meeting of Royal Acade- micians. Look in at Match at Prince's. Half hour with the Four-in-Hand. Express to Regatta at Henley. See the finish of an event, and up again in time to open Docks at Greenhithe. Take the Astronomer Royal and Comet on my way. Explains new theory of Sunspots quickly. Interested, but obliged to catch the Epileptic Bazaar at Camberwell. Get two kittens and a rosebud for £176. Look in at a few more Studios. Sit for bust—then to lunch with Benchers at Inner Temple. Hurry away to declare new wing of Hospital open. 3 p.m. to 9 p.m.—Levee. Very full. Wish they would come by tens; or stand in a row and march past. Go to Horticultural Fete. Ride. Drive. Make calls. Back for quiet cigar over Punch. Refreshing. Off again to Hurling- ham. Open a Suburban Museum, new Park, another Hospital, and two more Bridges on my way back. Photographed again. Lispect design for new central Artificial Sea-Water Baths. Send for Fbancis again. Decline invi- tation to open International Raw Produce Exhibition in Patagonia. Dictate 360 letters. Skim five dozen new books. F. K. in again with evening papers. Reads them all through. Nothing in them. Tells me three publio dinners down for this evening. Get up speeches while dressing. Go to them aU, wishing I could stay at home quietly with the children. 9 p.m. to 3 a.m.—StiU listening to speeches. Make] nine myself. Subscribe generally to everything. Look in at both Operas and' a theatre or two. . Catch close of lecture at Royal Society on " Storage of Energy." Think there 'a some- thing in it. Dispatch a few Continental telegrams. Hear very latest news from Knollts. Nothing in it. Look over to-morrow's programme. To rest. dreaming that I am discussing with a distinguished Fellow of the Royal Society the possibility of "storing the London Season in a box two feet by four," and hiding it where Knollts can't find it. 336 [July 2, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 'l ill HAPPY THOUGHT FOR THE DANCING SEASON. Raised Seats all round this Eoom tor Chaperons, so that they may See and be Seen. ; I 'm sure it's the best way. thinks he should have trade BOYCOTTED. Mr. Julm Bull {General Dealer, surveying his large and growing Stock of Wares). They do not go off! How precarious trade is! Buy! Buy I Buy! Buy! Here's your quality, Ladies! Mrs. Columbia {derisively). Quality? Pooh! We can beat you out "West way. First Miss Colony. I deal near home Second Miss Colony. Quite so. He monopoly From San Francisco to say Trinchinopoly. Third Miss Colvny. Ah! The world's markets he can't rule or rig now. Fourth Miss Colony. Poor Father Bull! Doesn't look quite so big now. Mr. Bull. Stuck-up young minxes! Thev once used to scare if I talkod of retiring or raising my tariff. / taught 'em business, and now Madame France {ironically). They are teaching you. Mr. Teuton. Nemesis, Bull, I imagine is reaching you. Mr. Hull. Buy! Buy! Buy! Buy! No reserves, no restriction here; No economical follies or fictions here. Mrs. Columbia {turning up her nose). Buy? See him bankrupt first. Madame France {making a moue). Buy? Pat si bete. Bull. Mr. Teuton. Customers scarce? That's a sorrowful fate, Bdxl, After your run of trade! [Chuckles, and cuts. First Miss Colony. Oh! we 're all in it now. [Sniggers, and slopes. Mr. Bull {indignantly). Ingrates! I taught you the game, and Second Miss Colony. "We win it now. [ Guffaws, and goes Mr. Bull {solus). Buy! Buy! Buy! Buy! Well I 've treated 'em. This is too bad. Had I bullied and cheated 'em, Kept up my tariffs, refused to go snacks with 'em Oh! 'tis no use to get into a wax with 'cm! Loaves from mv book thev have taken, good store of 'em, Perhaps by-and-by they '11 be taking some more of 'em. well RULES AND REGULATIONS AT HENLEY. 1. That representatives of American Universities be treated as mechanics, inasmuch as the Henley Authorities only recognise three universities in the world—Oxford, Cambridge, and Dublin. 2. That any American, having succeeded by fraud in obtaining an entry at Henley, be compelled to row in an m-rigger. 3. That should any American, having complied with the above rules, start for any race, he be handcuffed, and be compelled to wear heavy irons on his legs. 4. That should any American complying with the above rules, win a race, he be immediately taken to the nearest tree and hung. 5. That no member of the Press shall write any descriptions of races, shall give any times of races, Bhall criticise any style of rowing or sculling before his manuscript shall have been carefully examined by the Authorities. 6. That any member of the Press declining to fall down and worship every member of the Henley Authorities shall, in the first place, be excluded from Henley for ever; shall, in the seeond place, on the receipt of an apology, be allowed to visit the Regatta gagged and blindfolded; and shall, in the third place, on writing a word disrespectful of the Henley Authorities, be thrown into the river. 7 (and last). That anyone using the words "a lot of frightened hunks," "a set of conceited asses," "a body of snobs," "a gathering of self-appointed self-conceited cads," an irresponsible body, which brings disgrace on Old England's reputation for fair play ana courtesy," be kept as far away from the Henley Authorities as pos- sible, inasmuch as the above phrases apply to them a little too olosely to be pleasant. Champagney Literature. A tala's Angel. By Anthony Teollope. If anythingKke the wine of that name, it ought to be a sparkling production. What will he give us next? A political novel entitled The Private Sec.; or, the Loves of Pommery and Greno t Dry reading for thirsty souls. There should be Imperial Quartos of such literature in every well- ap-pinted library. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—July 2, 188L GOING UP!!—TO THE LORDS. July 2, 1881.] 309 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKI. "II DEMONIO;" OR, THE D AFTER TAMARA. Il Demonio, dull opera, music by Rubinstein, brilliant English translation of Libretto by our own Pitman. ACT I.—Scene 1.—A Wild Place (of course we quote throughout the Pitman stage-directions).—At right a huge rock advancing with practicable summit. We 've got no doubt it was there, but we didn't see it "advancing with its practicable summit." By the way, we regretted to observe that the Poet's stage-directions seemed to be systematically disregarded. "Frequent flashes of lightning show the Demon crossing slowly at the back of the stage from left to right." The frequent flashes, however, only showed a stout person in black on a wire descending from Right to Left—which perverse ignoring of a clear plain-flying order must have riled the Poet considerably. A " General chorus of created things" is decidedly noisy, as might have been expected. The Evil Spirits conclude with—" Eh! Demon' why tarry t —which sounds rather Scotch. The Demon—a respectable person, not unlike Hamlet without the hat and feathers—"seats himself on the edge of the advancing rock at the right," Bays Pitman, imperiously; but, as a matter of fact, the Demon stands bolt upright on the stage-left, roundly abusing the World, with which, up to this time, we had always thought II Demonio was on peculiarly friendly terms—but perhaps Mr. Pitman has had a hand in the "Revised Version,"—and winds up with— "'Tis dull, indeed, insane and void, Thy mi an less boast that end hath never!" Then, from a hole in a rock below, out pops Mme. Tbebelli as an Angel of Light, though looking anything but a light angel, in full feather as far as wings go, and after a musical argument with Rubinstein carried away by II Demonio, while the Economical Angel won't even take a fly to follow him. II Demonio, in which the Angel gets decidedly the worst of it, both disappear, and we come to Tableau II., when we see "Tamara's playmates" descending the rock from the castle. The "Playmates." consisting of a party of forty or fifty well- matured but skittish Caucasian spinsters, whose united ages amount to something over a thousand, sing a rather melancholy-playful ohorus till Tamara (Mdme. Albani) appears with her "Governess," a well-preserved person, who still adheres to the style of doing the hair which may be found by the curious in such matters to have Deen popular in the Keepsake Annual and the Books of Beauty of half a century ago. The Demon appears, and falls in love with Tamara. The Governess tries to rouse her with a weak-minded song—of a somewhat Gregorian character—about a'' Dauntless" Cavalier, whose "Bridle and saddle are stud with rare gems." How can a "bridle and saddle" be "a stud "? But this is poetic- Pittmanic licence ;— "Golden the bit is the charger that stems." Ah! our head still aches with trying to disoover the Poet's mean- ing. It is indeed a golden bit from the poetic treasury! The Demon makes love to Tamara from the top of a rock in a dreary field- preaching sort of way. As II Demonio is really out for a lark, his sombre costume is a mistake. He ought to have been "In his Sunday best," when "His jacket was red and his breeches were blue," with the arrangement for "carrying his tail" described by Coleridge. Before its repetition at Covent Garden, Signor Tas- liafico and the costumiers might arrange this; and don t let them forget a good moving tail. There must be one in the house, left behind by one of the Imps in last year's Pantomime. "Tableau III. Wild Rocky Pass in the Mountains of the Caucasus."—"Old Servant" in a furry white hat, suggestive of his having become fraudulently possessed of a Caucasian donkey, accom- II Jhmonio delivering a lecture before Tamara mourning. panics the Prince of Sinodal, and sings to him too, for the matter of that. The Prince arrives on horseback, more a Circassian than a Caucasian; he also evinces a melancholy taste for infusing a little Gregorian tone in his love-songs. He is on his way to marry Tamara, when the Demon incites the Tartars to fall on the whole lot, who, after a "twopence - coloured" hand - to - hand combat, are all slain with the exception of the Old Ser- vant. So, much for the Prince of Sinodal, who has had a short operatic life, and not apparently a very merry one. ACT II-The Play- mates again. Bridegroom expected. Rejoicings, consisting of heavy chorus and stupidly wearisome national dances. Old Servant arrives with the melancholy intelligence, and foreseeing that his reputation for honesty must be somewhat shy on account oi that white hat tradition, he brings the body of the Prince as evidence of his veracity. The human Love interest, such as it is, being now at an end as far as the Principals are concerned, we were glad to detect a sneaking partiality on the part of the Old Servant with the white hat for the ancient Governess who had once been a professional beauty. It was clearly love at first sight; for from the moment they met until the end of Act II. he never left her side; and even at the most serious moment, when the Court went to prayers, Old Slyboots' wicked old left eye was on that ancient Governess who was clearly flattered and fluttered by his atten- tion. Nothing came of it. Neither of 'em appeared again. Perhaps they eloped soon after the com- mencement of Act III., after Tamara had retired to a con- vent, when the last thing we heard of the fraudulent Old Servant with the white hat was his voice "without" —(they wouldn't admit him within the walls of a convent, even in the Caucasus, not if they knew it)—singing, *' Best ye, Christians, rest." And then, by way of carrying out the idea of sending all the inmates to sleep, the stage-direction is, "He strikes the gong," which, to say the least of it, sounds like a practical joke of Poet Pitman's. II Demonio pretends to be converted from the error of his ways— quite Origen-al this—and tries to induce Tamara to accept him as a husband. She refuses. This does make II Demonio so wild! Then the lamp of the Oratory flares up, the Angel with a few friends happening to be passing by, looks in, and the ghost of 'Sinn gets himself mixed up with it somenow—that is, he ought to have done so according to the strict stage-direction, but from either having some other engagement, or from a disinclination to interfere with what no longer was any business of his, he did not come up to time, and " Tamara falls dead on the ground." II Demonio, according to the Miltonic-PrrMAN, "sinks into the abyss." The Demon, however, did nothing of the kind, preferring to walk off quietly. Composer, Angel, and Devil appeared before the Curtain—let us hope they supped together—and we only regret that we saw and heard so little of Mme. Trebelli, though as she played an Angel, her visits were, as we might have anticipated, few and far between. Of oourse there was a great Demon-stration in favour of H Demonio; but the Opera is so heavy, that we found it impossible to carry any of it away with us, and so—let us leave it as it is. The Old Servant and the Governess; or, Lovers yet! Mobe than Pbobable.—Inquiry into Turkish Finance, if not stifled, will certainly be Bourke d. 310 [July 2, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE LATEST ARRIVAL. (i?y Our Own Jntervietcist.) The new Comet arrived'Jast Wednesday evening just in time for the Night Fete at the Botanical Gardens. Our As- tronomer, Mr. Hind, from head-quarters telegraphed to a friend this characteristic remark—" What a long tail our Comet's got!" Mr. Henby Irving at once wanted to engage the brilliant visitor for a week to succeed Mr. Booth and share the leading business, but the Comet po- litely refused to go in for any- thing except the very lightest performances. The Comet visited the House of Commons, and expressed himself much interested in the Brush-light experiment. His medical at- tendants fear that, in conse- quence of excessive travelling and late hours, he is in a gradual decline. Our Illus- trious Guest says there are plenty more of his sort where he comes from, but they are being re-tailed for exporta- tion. He evidently holds Dar- winistic opinions, and thinks it highly probable that Man was originally an Ape, then an Actor, then a Star, and will end by becoming a Comet, and so completing the last link in the magnificent tail. Fashion is changing. The forehead fringe, which, ar- ranged in the morning, was "Fringe before breakfast," is to disappear in the snip of Fate's shears. This is, indeed, taking the present time by the forelock. Place of Refreshment foe Officials of the Scotch Kirk visiting Paris.—The SStel du Helder. PUNCH'S FANCY PORTRAITS.-No. 38. THE NEW WORD. Punch. What do you think of this glass of Curacoa and brandy? Gilded Youth. It is very snappy. Punch. That's a nice-look- ing girl over the way. Glided Youth. She is very snappy. Punch. You had a thousand to twenty about Peter for the Hunt Cup at Ascot, hadn't you? Gilded Youth. I had. It was a very snappy bet. Punch. May I ask you what is the meaning of the word "snappy"? Gilded Youth. It is the Enjtlish for cheek. Punch. Cheek? • Gilded Youth. Yes, the French word "cheek." Punch. Ah.chic' "Snappy" is an American word, I be- lieve. You have been in America? Gilded Youth. No; but the Editor of the Sporting Times has, or ought to have been, as he introduced the word into England. Punch. And what's the etvmology? Gilded Youth (puzzled). Eh? Ettie, Molly — who? Don't know her. Is she snappy? Have a drink, old chappie, and— {sings) — " Let us be Snappy together!" ^ ^_ SIR E. W. WATKIN, M.P. Now, how came Sir Watkin, whose talent wo all know, As a light on the Railway to shine? Why, the way it was done doth this picture clearly show, He trained himself up in the rail-way he should go By studying " Lino upon Line." Parliamentary Notice.— Mr. Caine to ask questions about Vacant Seats and Magis- trate's Corrupt Practices— when? Evidently when Caine is able. Economic Dress Question BY A FAIH ANGLO-PaBTSIENNE. —Is knowing Worth worth knowing? A "RARA AVIS." There are some advertisements which speak for themselves, and the following from the Spectator of June 18, appears to us to be one of these:— A GENTLEMAN desires OCCUPATION, anywhere, with modern and noble-thinking men, who aim at promotion of human progress, as much as at money. Aged 40, slightly nervous (hyperesthesia vasomotorii). Has been physician; has given up; cannot work hard; cannot bear heavy sky. Understands languages, but not music; no calligraphy, no drawing,— Address, &c. Perhaps he may have been snapped up—suoh a " snappy " gentle- man I—before our readers see this announcement in our pages, and the chance will have gone—for ever! American Products. The Americans have reared the Skunk, the Colorado Beetle, and the Fenian, and they are now trying their hands at a crop of Tich- borne Claimants. One of these gigantic bores and impostors at a time is not enough for our young and vigorous cousins. The last one cost the country and the Tichborne family about One Hundred Thousand pounds, and the Americans will probably underseE us, as usual, by supplying two at the same figure. A small Company will no doubt be formed to "run" these inflictions, who will take the place in our newspapers of the Irish Land Bill. Legal Sceutin de Liste.—Taxation of a Lawyer's Bill. ANOTHER MONSTER. Another Dockyard Monstrosity has been launched, the cost of which to the British taxpayer will never probably be thoroughly arrived at. This thing is called the Polyphemus, and, like its pre- decessors, is warranted to "whop all Creation." Its predecessors, unfortunately, have generally whopped no one but their inventors and directors, and some have gone to the bottom in a perfect whirl- fool of self-destruction. The people appointed to manage these nfernal Machines may have the courage, but do they possess the scientific knowledge for such exceptional duty? The Worms Triumphant. The Telegraphists, after several years' agitation and discontent, have partly carried their point, but not before they imitated their Manchester fellows, and threatened to strike. The Government, of course, gave in like a body of whipped schoolmasters, and lectured the Telegraphists upon the sins of disobedience. It said something about the duty of economy, and watching over the public purse, for- getting that it often wastes as much money in an English Dockyard in a single day, as will give these ten thousand underpaid publio servants their increase of salary for a whole year. "Storage of Foece." — The Home Secretary tells Colonel Henderson that this must mean " concealing a Policeman under the kitchen-table." tW To CoisiarosDBira.—The Editor dots tut hold hinuilf bound to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contribution), M m com can IKtu be returned unleu accotnpanied tjr ■ etamped and directed envelope. Copiet ehould be kept. July 2, 1881.] 311 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Above Proof. 202 Academical Dialogue (An), 226 AdTios Gratis, 168 After Launch, 290 Alter tbe Scare, 74 "A Hall I a Hall I" S65 Aid to Orime (The), 36 Alderman Robin Hood, II.P., 122 All about It. 1 All Froze Out. 46 Amputation Act (An), 286 Another Cry from Clerkdom, 110 "Another Fine Old Comedy." 197 April; or. The New Hat, 1&0 Army Estimatea, 126 'Any on Woman's Rights, If 6 Art Utilitarian Bxamination-Paper, 240 Aaoot in the Camera, 277 .(Esthetics at Aaoot, 197 Astrologer's Fluke f An), 141 Athlete and .Esthete, 122 At Last I 66 At Ji r. Ganz's Concert, 238 At the Horse-Show, 282 Aye has it I (The), 263 Balaclava Charge (The) 181 Ballad for Bradford, 142 Bankruptcy for the Million, 190 Beans and Bacon, 297 Beauty not at Home, 71 Bet-Division (The), 266 Bell-Metal Wanted 1 141 '' Dot tine " Land (The), 270 Between the Lines, 216, 288 Beware of the Weed ! 126 Bey Inter viewed (The), 242 Btllingfgato Market Again 1 1S2 Bit for Bull 'A), 162 "Bit o' Meat" (A), 29 Blessed Baby (A), 190 Boycotted, 306 Boya' Own History (The), 90 Bradlsughable ASair (A), 36 Brighter Days of Bankruptcy (Tbe), 182 Bringing Fish to a Nice Market, 291 Brunswick's Fated Chieftain, 49 Bull and Bear Company (The), 191 Busy B. at the Gaiety (The), 97 Cabinet* and Catalogues, 107 Cap-and-Bell Ballads (The), 240- Case of Conscience (A), 164 "Caught in the 'Act,' " 89 Cenrua (The), 149 Cera Pereuuins, 204 Chanca Goue(A). If'3 Chant of the Chaperon, 95 Chant of the Conspirator (The). 163 Chant of the Crinol.tte (The), 308 Charitable Friday Fixtures ior July, 291 "Charity " covers a Multitude of Dins I ISO Chiosgo-ny, 153 Child s Remonstrance (A). 62 Christopher Sly at tbe Pilncesa's, 149 Chronicle of tbe Week, 293 "ClippingI" 64 Cloture in Parliament (The), 87 Coldstream and Cold Water. 298 "Colonel " in a Nutshell (The), 81 Common Dialogue (A), 192 Conference on Coin (The), 198 Consolidation, 96 Contract under Seal (A), 185 Corrupt Practices Bill (The), 83 Counsel from Congress, 11 Counsel of Pallas (The), 14 Court Cards, It-J Cross Purposes, 221 Cox and Box at Berlin, 82 Cup and Bail at the Lyceum, 13 Curiosities, 94 Dado I 86 Dangerous Pet (A), >3 Dean of the Arches (The), 37 Deeper than the Snow, 40 Derby and Jones, 254 Derby Dialogue, 270 Derby Dream (A). 262 Derby of 1881 fThe), 874 Derby Sketched and Hedged (The), 253 Darby (The), 264 Diamond Cut Diamond, 105 Diary of a Holiday (The), 186 Diary of an III Wind, 169 Diary of a Reporter, 146 Diary of the Premier on Shore, 49 Dignity of Debate (The), 179 Di*graoe to the Metropolis (A), 281 Dissolving View of the Polytechnic (A), 132 Domestic Regulations for the Easter Volunteer Review, 169 Don't let's Dream again, 138 Dramatic and Operatic, 289 Drawing-Room Drawn (A), 145 Drink Bills and Land Bills, 174 "Duoks" at Durham, ISO Dukes and Dirt, 245 Duoraven in the Happy Family (The), 106 Earth revolves on its Taxes (Tbe), 141 Easterly Blast for Moddtevex Magistrates (An), 204 Echo in tbe City, 70 Elections Improved, 162 Eleotric Heels, 287 Elegance with Economy, 265 End of It (The), 59 English Property E xaminatfon-Paper of the Future, 210 En Prince 1 305 Essence of Parliament, 15, 27, S9, 4c Evelyn's Diary, 125 Farrwei l to Festivities, 57 Fashionable Intelligence, 68 Fashion repeats Itself, 234 Fate of the Four (The), 108 Faust and Furious, 121 Few More of Them (A), 179 Few Penances for Lent (A), 118 Fill, Philharmonic. 164 Finished at Last, 252 "Fish all alive ohl Seven Farthings a Pound I" 279 Fittest (The), 276 Fizzlological Facts, 262 Forcible Reply (A). 229 "Fortitur Occupa Portum," 29 Four-in-Hand Club. May 25, 254 Fourth of June at Eton (The), S66 Fragments from an Unpublished Blue- Book, 109 Friend at a Pinch (AX 188 From the Ranks, 4, 16, 57, 6c Fussy Activity, 178 Gallant Array of New A. R. A.'a (A), 70 "George Eliot," 12 G. G. G., or Grosvenor Gallery Guide, 300 S04 Giant in Germ (AX 294 Give us Room I 287 Going to tbe Bard—in German, 2(8 Golden Age (The), 217 Good Citizen's Diary (The), (5 Good Earls Holiday (The), 106 Good for Garfield, 167 Good News for us All I 8)2 Gossip a la Mode, 144 Gossip a la Mud, 150 Go-to-Bed Qui stinu (Tbe), ISO Grand Jubiiee University Procession, 168 Great Beantem Railway and Epping Forest (The), 22j Griffin I Going 1 going 1 (The), 63 Gros-Veneer Gallery at a Glance (Tho), 22 Grosvenor Gallery (Tbe), 218 Grounds for Complaint, 249 Growl (A), 60 Gush about tho Bard, 262 Hamlet on Vaocination. 245 Happy Herefordshire, 191 Hash-Wednesday at Clerkenwell, 213 Heads and Tails, 828 "Heads, we Win I " 267 High Art Below Stairs, 134,177 Higher Education of Burglars (The), 62 His Own Opinion, 207 Honour to tbe Brave I 195 How It was Settled (?), 173 How the Money Goes, 129 How to Get Up an Exhibition, 216 How will they Doit? 191 Idyllic Duet (An), 233 "II Demonio;" or, The D after Tamara, 309 "II Seraglio;" or, Pittman's Pegasus, 280 Impossible Inconsistency, 8 Improbable Starter (An;, 263 In Memoriam, 72 In Memoriam—Benjimin Disraeli, 198 Io Triumphe I 69 Irish Devil-FishlThe), 282 Irish Jurymen (The), 86 Irish Parliament (An), 142 Iriah Question (The), 222 Iroquois, 268 Jacuiusi-m. 26 "Jerry Building," 138 Juvenile Offenders, 83 Kaiserinn with the Cheshire Cat Hounds (Tbe), 130 Kicking no Murder, 274 Kyrley Tale (A). 84 Lancashire v. Ireland, 166 Latest Arrival (Tbel, 810 Law Courts' Clock (The), 89 Lending tho Milliard, 143 Leopold in L ar, 2.4 Les Ambassaiieurs B'Amusent, 117 Letters to a " Hanger," 166 Light and Fright, 168 Lillinut to the Rescue I 30 London Paved with Gold, 132 London versus Monaco, 227 Lower-House Maid (The), 21 Making the Most of It. 167 Making the Very Most of It. 2(X> Manifesto of Victor Hugo (The), 96 Marvels of Science, 239 "Masks and Faces," 93 Match (A), 288 Maudle in Ballad (AX 161 Me and the Missis, Ik., 262 Meeting of the Waters (The), 264 Mems. for the Militi i. 214 "Merry Islington," 164 Michael Strogcff. l St Military Correspondent of the Future (The), 120 Millais-nium in New Bond Street (The), "Milling Exhibition " (The), 262 Misrepresentatlve Government, 12 Moan of the Member (The), 14 Modern Dinners, 94 Modern May Queen (The), 245 Modern Torture of tbe Boot (Tho), 288 MontKelas and Mystery, 11 Mona-SylLbles, 193 Moore Modernised, 177, 189 More Candour about Candahar, 86 More Dirty Work, 166 More from Madeira, 3 More Impressions, 242 More Reminiscences, 207 More Stationery, 282 Mr. Punch's Guide to University Boat- Race, 157 Mrs. Johnnie Gilpin in Rotten Row, 221 Mr. Speaker's Commentaries, 66 Mr. Speaker's Very Own. 94 Mudford Flowor-Show (The), 298 Murt-Salai Market. Again, 164 Mufti no More, 42 My Kirby Green, 62 Name I 264 Names and Addresses, 281 Near—not Fur, 165 Noat and Appropriate, 46 Net Profits, »7S "New Departure " (The X 281 New Dictionary of Quotations (A), 86 New Game (A), 226 New Irish Melody (A), 34 New Naughtical Music, 249 New Rules of Procedure, 73 New Word (The), 310 "Nigger Emancipation," 24 Noggins of Nectar. 178 No Pipes for Paupers, 70 "Not before the Boy," 191 Notes from the Diary of a City Walter, 9, 65. 125, Ac ** Not for Joe I " 83 No Thoroughfare, 129 No Thoroughfare Party (The), 218 Obstructive Paddyism, 42 "Oh, pray don't Mansion it I" 144 Old Friends, 68 Oloo-Margarine, 174 One for Sir Wilfrid, 249 One-8ided Rule. It 4 On the Manjuba Hill, 114 Opened by Mistake, 142 Opening of Parliament, 2 Our Advertising Weather Forecasts, 120 Our Booklog-Office, 65 Our Drag, zvl Our Future History, 250 Our Guide to the Acidemy, 2(s, 217, 237, to, Our Merry. go-Rounder at the Christmas Shows, 10 Our New Bogeys, 84 Our Own City Commission, 34,77,187, &o. Out of Tune in Tunis, 170 Padded Sell (A), 213 "Paddy's" Daughter, 107 Paid Justice's Justloo, 270 Paris at Putney. 162 Paris: Salon and the Theatres, 241 Pamellites in Paris, 96 Parochial Prodigals, 302 Pay and Play, 2.1 Philistia Defiant, 221 Players and Payers. 23, 41 Pleasing Birthday Book (The), 78 Porte in a Storm (AX 802 Posters for Posterity, 196 Prince Bismarck's Prevision, 238 Princess's and Foliy, 173 Prior Claim (A), 86 Pro Bono Publico, 276 Professional Duelling, 220 Professional Uglles, 267 Pros and Cons, 144 Prospectus (A), 129 Proverbial Reform, 22 Punch's Proposed Railway Rates, 195 Quarter Day, 114 Questions for the Kyrle Society, 49 Kacey, 2.-6 "Rational Dress," 293 Reading their Thoughts, 286 Real April Pastoral IA), 197 Real City Census, 181 Real Radical Career (A), 194 312 [July 2, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Reasons against the Proposed Monument, 325 Recent Marvels of Science, 82 Remittance (AV 298 Replies to the Bey. 216 Resolutions for 1881, 8 Retaliation, 268 Rhymes for a Reason, 155 Rise in Turks (A), 287 Rites and Wrongs. 134 Robert after the Derby, 2S0 Romance and Reality, 45 Romance of War (The), 28 Roo-" Too-too "-ing it, 265 Rough's Railway Guide (The), 178 Round about Town. 60, 801 Royal Marriage at Berlin (The), 97 Royal Practical Jeko, 120 Runt Justitia I 288 Rules and Regulations at Henley, 806 Hum Story (a.), "1 Ruae a la Russe (A), 78 Sanitary Millennium (A), 70 Sarah's Heturo, 250 Scandnlum Maguatum, 192 School-Board Papers, 12, 14, 33, 4o. Scotland for Ever 1 202 Seasonable Weather, 48 Secret Correspondence, 105 Senatorial Diary (A), 269 Shakspeare Amended. 196 Bhakspoare on the "Free List," 886 BhockiDg Occurrence f A), 61 Similia Similibus Curantur, 249 Site—to be Taken (A), 262 Six to One, 178 Soldiers and Shots, 196 Something for the Money, 158 Something in a Title, 287 Something like a Punishment, 102 Song for Singers (A), 299 Song of Pahtaquahong (The), 109 Song of the Seusitive One, 214 Bongs of the Sciences, 47, 62, 287, be. Sparklers, 185 Spurius Shakspearius at Drury OT.nnus, 216 Square and Unfair, 166 Squib Mottoes for Twelfth-Night Craok- ers, 11 Stage in Mourning (The), 288 Stanzas to 8prlng. If 0 Strangling the Monster, 54 Strictly Confidential, 78 Successful "Boycotting" at the St. James's, 25 Suggestions for a Modol Railway, 283 Sultan's Diary (The), 98 Sum Good from it. 262 Sunday "Pops," 106 Sunderland or BlunderlftndT 61 Take Care of your Commons, 80 Taking Him Easy, 209 Talk for the Tunnel, 67 Tapping the Wires—April 1st, 150 Telegraph Monopoly (The), f8 Telephone (The), 179 Temperance and Troth, 1 Tennis Testimonial, 201 That Acrostic, 1! 0 Theatre Royal. St. Stephen's, 53 Theatres (The), 45, 53 Theatrical News. 114 Theory and Practice, 268 Theory Illustrated (A), 209 There and Back, 168 There Is much Virtue In Ifs, 178 Thomas Carlyle, 61 Thr:e R's in East Suffolk (TheX 204 To Lydla's Glass Eye, 193 To the Northern Tenor—an Appeal, 183 Transraalidity, 47 Traps to Catoh Cockneys, 287 Trial by .lury (A), 118 Trill to a Nightingale (A), 261 Trying Wait (A), 68 Turn Out at Tirnova (A), 289 Twopence-Halfpenny Reward, 84 Two Stars; or. Booth Together, 225 UMQUlTYof Alcohol (The), H6 Uncharitable Opposition, 228 "(Un)-Fortunate Isle " IThe), 4 Un-herring Instinct, 188 Unsentimental Journey (An), 249 Utile Tristi, 237 Valkntines, 65 Verses for Vegetarians, 251 Vtry Civil War, 72 Very Likely, 293 "Viande de Chcval," 112 Voice of the Turtle (The), 74 Voting Market (The), 121 Warning to the Wags (A), 263 Waterloo Wags again (The). 245 Way we Talk now (The), 228 Weather (The), 110 What Does it Meant 190, 281 What is a "Run"? 118 What Really was Said, 89 What 'a in a Name? 202 Whistler's Wenioe, 69 Whistling lor Cabs, 88 Who will Have It? 125 With the Wynnstay, 118 *' Worm at one End and a "'AX 278 Worms have Turned (The), 298 Wreck of the " Indian Chief " (TheX 28 Wrong Tip (The), 260 Ye Infantry of England, 210 Ye Three Sham Dayes or 01.lo, 278 "Your Money or your Life I" 108 LARGE ENGRAVINGS. Block on the Road (The), 253, 219 "Boycotted," 48 "By Your Leave I" 189 Difficult Part (A), 127 End of Act I., 175 German Iago(A). 247 Giants and the Pigmy (The), 8t Going Up I !—to tho Lords, 807 Intercepted, 162 Irish Devil- fish (The), 283 "Irrepressiblo Nigger I " (The), 79 Latest " Trick " (The). 271 Long and the Short of it (The), il "Measurable Distance," 151 On His Way, 18, 19 ParU and the Pippin, 223 "Peace with Honour," H9 Pig that won't " Pay the Rint ' (The), 115 School of Musketry (The), 811 Stable Companions; or, the Two Bills, 102. 103 Strangling the Monstor, 55 Twelfth-Night at St. Stephen's, 6, 7 Two " Suzerains," 187 "Urgency I" 67 "VtvelaGloirel" 235 "What will He Grow to?" 295 SMALL ENGRAVINGS. £bteiktb and bis Furniture (Au), 281 .Xsthetio Matrimonial Prospects, 78 Esthetic May-Day Festivities, 201 .-Esthetic Theatrical Poster (An), 215 Angela's Ineas on Selfishness, 246 Antonius Troilopi.is, 68 Artist and his Friends (An), 170 Bizzy Bookmaker and Gambettor-Man, 291 "Black" Art, 112 Blank Fishing Day (AX 298 Bobby's Choice of a Profession, 108 Bob's Valsing, 277 Boer and his Receipt (The), 149 Bradlaugh Jack-in-the-Box, 204 Brassey. M.P., 286 Bright Prospeots for a Growing Dunce, 21 'Bus-Driver's Opinion on '' CoacbiDg," 263 Cabby and the Adjutant's Horse, 251 Cab-Hiring after Snow-Storm, 69 "Campbells are Going " (TheX 194 Captain Gossett, 94 Captain 8haw—the Fire-King, 34 Catching the Fish-Torpedo, 297 Centaur Iroquois (The), 274 Charge of Brighton Landladies, 169 Cherry Un-rlpe, 9 Choosing a School by its Dukes, 290 Churchill's Freiheit Charge, 171 Collapse of the Esthetes, 229 Colonel Henderson, 82 Colonel on Candahar Question, 107 Condition of Jones's Pictuio, 72 Coster and Swell Coachman, 83 Count of Monty Guesto, 61. P.. 250 Cremation and Family Jars. 132 Dairyman and Frozen Pump. 98 Dingers of the Metropolis, 201 Derby Course (The), 253 Destroying the Obstruction Nest, 68 Dog's Parliamentary Petition (The), 39 Dramatist and Critic, 85 Dr. Lyon Play fair, 70 Duke of Bedford, K.G., 213 Duke going to Gallery Seats, 203 Duke's Daughters Choosing Professions, 294 Dustman takes his Wife to see Art, 214 Earl of Dufferln (The), 288 Elephant and tho Tree (The), 219 Empress of Austria (Tire), 118 'Kr Royal Highness's 'Oss, 261 Escaping from an Old Bore, 278 Escaping the Census Paper. 174 Fair Little Stranger and Bashful A r t i -1, 84 Fishmonger-Boy's Arithmetic (AX 204 Foratar and the Three Blind Mice, 27 French Language Paltry (The), 80 "Frightful State oi Things " (A), 281 Gentlemen's Bibs and Sleeve-Guards, 287 Gladstone's Life-Belt. !43 Gog and Magog at Billingsgate. 279 Goiug in for Women's " Lefts," S3 Grandmamma's Lap, 262 G*-eat Painter meets his Early Love, 818 Griffin and the Obstructives (The), 61 Hare and Hounds, 98 H. Labouchere, M.P., 154 Hon. Evelyn Ashley, M.P., 100 How to be Seen at a Private View, 807 Hunters wanting a Bridge, 189 Hunting Rector's Immersion (A), 105 Inebriated Citizen and the Cabby, 71 "Irish Blagyard " for the Commons, 73 Irish Tenant Cheating the League. 299 Jack's Contempt for the Corner, 12 Jaok's Luck, Jim's Surprise, 114 Janet's Goography, 864 Janet's Presence of Mind, 198 Jeamea and the Morning Post, 137 Jews and Trichinosis, 120 John Thomas and Surgical Instruments, 144 Lecture on " Optics," 230 "Lefevre," 40 Lord Carlinglord, 190 Madame France and Mr. Bull's Ticket, 255 Major cannot Danoe without Spurs (TheX 297 Mam ma and her Daughter's Photographs, 242 Maria's AtUck of JStthi ticn, 177 Marquis of Waterford (The), 265 Master Tom objects to Old Masters, 49 Mature Siren and Skating Gentlemen, f4 Handle's Opinion of Mrs. Brown's Bon, 62 Meaning of "Go to "(The), 109 Meddlevex Magistrate (Trie), 178 Milkman on Education (A), 23 Misa M. E. Braddon. 106 Miss Midas and the Captain, 182 Missed by Ir.s Tenants, 158 Miss Sopely and Distinguished Amateur, 207 Mies Sopely Studying Jones'B Palm, 37 Mr. B.'s De6nition of a Nocturne, 26 Mr. Edmund Yalta, 202 Mrs. de Tomkyns and Lady Midas's Por- trait. SO Mr. Sims Reeves, 226 Mrs. Johnnie Gilpin in Rotten Row, 821 Mrs. P. de T. traps an August Foreigner, 126 Musical Duchess (The), 234 Music with Wrong Notes, 150 New Curate, who must not play Lawn- Tonnis, 239 Nor'-East and Sou'-West. 183 Northcota Caricaturing Gladstone, 15 Nursing and Reading, 181 Old Jinks and the Foot-Warmer, 01 Old Lady and 8tuffed Parrot, 140 Old Masters "Qdte Too Tool" 138 Opinions on Jewish Persecution, 48 Oscar Wilde, 298 Our Little Games. 29, 125, 283, Ac. Our " Rosebery Plate," 2e2 Papa'a New Hat at the Panorama, 875 Pat declines to become a Landlord, 227 Perpetual Motion Coerolon Toy (The), 87 Polar Bears and English Skaters, 60 Politeness in a High Wind, 161 Portrait-Painter. Aunt, and Niece, 42 PosllethwAite's Objection to Bathing. 14 Prefesaor Dubois and Sir Pompey Bedell, 66 Professor Huxley, ISO Professor's Opinion about Bed (A). 870 Question about Midgets' Souls, 163 Raised Seats in Bali-Rooms, 306 Rare Birds, 118 Reason for Living under James II. (A), 8 Return to Crinoline (Th«), 808 Royal Academy Banquet, 206 Scene at Johnny A' Things' Shop, 245 Scene in the Suow, 47 Sobool-Captain ». A Poet (A), 90 School-girls' Late Dinner (The), 110 Seoiet of Good Looks (A), 186 Senior and Junior United*. 180 Sirens and their Little Ways, 210 Sir E. W. Watkin, M.P., 310 Sir Gonius Midas's Library, 228 Sir Pompey Bedell at Grigsby's, 122 Sleepers in the Parks, - 06 Smith's Foreign Hotel Inspection. 228 Spiuks'B Soliloquy before the Glass, 166 Statue of Pallas (The), 24 Story with s Moral (A). 134 Stout Old Gent in Omnibus, 195 Street-Boy salutes Handcnflbd Burglar, 107 Stud Groom in Artist's Studio, 191 Sweeo and Butcher's Badinage, £9 Swinburne-Jones Cutting (A), 22 Tax Surveyor and Literary Gent, 155 Tea and Muffins at Mansion House, 14S Throo Poera out on a Wet Sunday, 99 Timkius gives the Empress a Lead, 117 Toby introduced to Parliament, 2 Todeson sent fur the Duchess's Carriage, 90 Tommy and the Cook. S02 Tommy and Uncle Dick, 192 Vaccination iu the Derby Week, 273 Vit-itor not a Stranger (A), 119 What au Elderly Coquette wished to hear, 74 "When 's tho Time to say ' Yolcks,' " 141 Which to bo—Heir or Trustee, t-5 Who could attend to tho Donkey, 179 Whv the Bullet missed Pat'« Heart, 35 Woman of the Nineteenth Century (A), 1st Women of Fashion and .-Esthetic Ladies, 162 Woolwich Cadet on "going back" (AX 86 Young Ladies discussing Ascot, 883 LpNDOS : BRADBURY, AONEW, $ CO., PRINTERS, WHrTI»EIA««. VOL LXXXL LONDON: PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. 1881. LONDON' •. BKADBL'RV, AUXICW, & OO., rillNTEIU, WIUTKFIUAIU. December 31, 1881.] in PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. TiTK. PUNCH entered the Cave. "Take a rock," sa:d -flioLus, his face brightening as the radiant presence of his Visitor lighted up the gusty recesses of his abode, "take a rock; do—and make yourself comfortable." The genial Sage sat down. "I had been hoping you might look in," continued the aged Custodian, hospitably producing an imperial pint of bottled Boreas as he spoke; "for, to tell you the truth, though Winds is no'.sy company, it's dull work up here all by one- self. There hasn't been one of 'em at home, for ever eo long." His Visitor gave a knowing nod of acquiescence. "So I should say," he replied, "judging from the amount of blowing and blustering that has been going on outside pretty well everywhere else of late." "Been as bad as that, has it?" asked 2Eolus, reflectively. "Well, I know they will give themselves airs ; but, bless you, whatever Lemphiere says about my proper business, what's the good, I should like to know, of my keeping 'em all boxed up here? Why, what would you do in a fog without 'em? Smoke abatement dodges, indeed! Gammon !—that's what I call them. Give me a stiff Sou'-Wester." "An excellent refresher in its way," replied Mb. Punch, approvingly, " saving the presence of the Underwriters, who have latterly, I fear, been singing, 'Oh, blow the gentle Gales I' to some purpose. But, for the matter of that, reports from other points of the compass are not much more exhilarating." "Hum!" rejoined his Host, giving a gloomy look rouud at the Cavern's mouth; "how about the East?" "Bad at Wapping, but worse at Constantinople; and, from what I hear, likely to give a severe chill or two to some- body in the Mediterranean befotc it has done its biting business. A wind that never brought good to a Britisher yet! Call that Eastern cuss in, my venerable Custos, as soon as you like; and into your nethermost cupboard with him!" Mb. Punch gave a significant wink, and Toby turned his tail contemptuously in the direction of Egypt, in sign of intelligent approval. "Well, come, the West's all right, anyhow. You 've nothing against that?" continued their Classic Interlocutor, with somewhat diminished confidence. "Ireland lies West," replied the Sage, curtly. "Well—South, then?" "Africa—and that is big enough to hold Kroumirs and Boers; which means plenty of room for a Cyclone. You ask PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [December 31, 1881. Eoustan and Evelyn Wood. The one is at home already, enjoying himself, and the other is on his way. They '11 tell you all about it." Mb. Punch rose. His Host looked puzzled. "Hum. Anything to say against the North?" he asked, somewhat sulkily. "Nihil," responded Mb. Punch, promptly, at the same time talking a little Latin, as a graceful compliment to the classical antecedents of his Host. "But for further particulars I must refer you to St. Petersburg." Again Toby set his tail contemptuously N.E. by E. The disconcerted Guardian of the Winds looked distressed. "Then it seems that they 're a downright ill lot, that blow nobody any good," he said. "Not even capable of starting a Fair Trade wind!" "A little impudence and a good deal of ignorance, and that breeze is soon set in motion," responded the Sage. "But if they are on the look-out for a real chance—there's a Free Trade wind that wants a bit of raising just now; and the sooner it gets it the better. I commend that very cordially to your attention." "It shall not be neglected," was the more cheerful reply. "A Puff? Ha! ha! I fancy I know how to contract for that. Why, if you only knew the amount I had made out of a very popular and exalted department of Art alone, my dear Sage and Philosopher, even you would stare. Call this the Cave of the Winds? Why, regularly every Saturday it's so full of Theatrical Managers that I have to order up a dead calm, and clear it by threatening a frost." "Quite so," heartily responded the Great Visitor. "But meantime, while pegged up here, it is something, I opine, to be able to know which way the wind blows. Would you like me to enlighten you?" "Rather!" said JEolus. "But how? By presenting me with an AbriJged Edition of the Library of the British Museum?" "That is the idea," said Mb. Punch, at length perfectly radiant, producing at the same moment a very handsome presentation tome from a piece of costly silver paper. "For in this book you will find something more than the condensed wisdom of all cycles." "And that book is? "asked the now dancing Custos. Toby wagged his tail to all points of the compass. Then Mb. Pdnch gave a final wink, and presented his— €\$i-$mi Witme! July 9, 1881.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. HENLEY EEGATTA. How to do Henley t The real proper way is to have one's house- boat towed up f orthe week, to do Henley from the muslin curtains, cut flowers, hot-house grapes, Pommery tree lee, light print, straw'hat, blue eyes, golden hair, "I '11 ne'er forget that night in Jooon upon the Henley river," after-dinnerish sentimental flirtation point of view. Live for the week at the rate of sixteen thousand a year. There is nothing jollier in the world than living at the rate of six- teen thousand a year, no greater fun than stopping for an unlimited period with a man who lives at the rate of sixteen thousand a year, provided always you get out without having your own chattels seized as "a lodger's." But this luxury was not for me this year. The only man I know that lives at the rate of sixteen thousand a year certainly asked me to join his party, and added, "Tou won't be dull, as we are going to play ten-pound Nap all night and every night. Nobody is fonder of innocent yet amusing tricks at cards than myself, but a house-boat is just the sort of thing one might fall into the water out of, especially if there were a hulking disagreeable lot of bad-tempered men on board, who had lost their money to you. What a week of parsons this has been! Talk of the May Meetings, why, the Oxford and Cambridge Match and Henley combined can give Exeter Hall any amount of Btart. This way of writing may sound frivolous, but it is nautical. The beauty of a parson is that you can call him " a self-opinionated idiot," and without his hitting you in the eye, on account of his cloth. On second thoughts, I am not quite certain whether it isn't the other way round, and he may call you names, and you mayn't hit him on aocount of his cloth. On third thoughts, this doesn't seem to be the beauty of a parson at all. If all I have been told by the clergy this week be true, there were thirty-three men in the Cambridge Eleven of 1864, since pro- moted to good livings, who knocked the Oxford bowling to pieces on this very ground, Sir ;" and in the University College Oxford Eieht, which won the Grand Challenge Cup at Henley in 1863, at least there must have rowed seventeen men who are now distinguished in the Church. But why be hard on our fellow mortals; you Bhould hear some of my University, the University of Heidelberg, stories which would take even a buyer of shares in the Aly Sahs Wyndoll Gold Mine all his time to believe. At last! Am I a Member of the Press? As a rule I am; but with those handouffs, leglets, gags, and strait-waist coats which the Stewards have provided for members of the Press, I sink my connec- tion with journalism, [and seek the Thames banks as one of the general public. Why, it is Ascot!—lobster-salads and champagne! But no; nobody cares who is winning, or pays any attention. Why, it's Lord's on the Publio Schools Match days! But no; niggers, gipsies, merry-go-rounds—why. it is Ascot-cum-Lord's, with Epsom and the river thrown in, and a Regatta just for the fun of the thing. No, I have not lunched. Is there a race going on? Dear me, I believe there is! Mayonnaise? "Why, certainly." Why are they making all that row? Oh, Cornell! Hail, Columbia! But you 're not in it this time! Tou can't do everything. Hip, hip, hurrah! Just one glass of sherry. Thanks! Really, they are vei^ noisy 1 What! a German has won this heat; hot work, very. H#w well iced this wine is! The second heat for the silver ]roblets. Capital, capital! Whoever designed this pie is an artist. What a row over—what are they making a row over ?—eh, a row over Well, it is against my practice, but just one liqueur. Thanks, very much!—and now, 1 suppose, we ought to see some of this. What's everybody going away for? Oh, nonsense, it can't be all over! It is, eh? Oh, if they are mild, I will. I have some matches, thank you. Awful fraud. Never rained the whole day. Henley without rain, why, it's monstrous! Shan't come to-morrow —will go to Stockbridge instead. Henley without rain! Bah! bosh!! rubbish!!! HER EXCELLENCE. [Sits from a Blue Book bound to come.) To Foreign Secretary, Washington.—{Confidential.) Had the interview you desired with Lord Gkanville, who was charming; and such a sweet baby that last one of his—he had it sent over to the Foreign Office by a Queen's Messenger on purpose. Could not say much about those Fisheries, because I mistook the documents for curl-papers last night (I am now doing my hair a la Bykon1 or our more illustrious Ada Menken). But I have promised something or other, which I daresay you will hear of. P.8.—Sir Charles, who is quite smitten, poor fellow! has brought me something to Bign—an excuse for calling. It gives up our right to Newfoundland fisheries; but they say there weren't any pearls to be got there. (Signed) _ Semtramis K. SpiFfKiNS, U. S. Minister Plentpo. To Foreign Secretary, Washington.—(Private.) What 's the use of saying "Sound Gambetta," when I haven't got a dress to put on? And you never sent those waffles and mis- cellaneous candies, you mean thing! I didn't mind seeing Bartle Hilaire, for he's too old to notice how women are dressed. I had to give two waltzes to the Due d'AuMALE, although you said it was impolitic. He was in stich a state, stupid man! But those dresses—those dresses! I can't see G. twice in the same one! And —and last time he was on the brink of—an offer! If they '11 take the embargo off our pork, I '11 accept him. P.S.—No time for despatches—garden-party and fancy bazaar o . So send you the papers. They '11 tell you all about everything, and one of them is so nice about my brocade with the sunflowers.—S. K. S. VOL. LXXXT. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [July 9, 1881. THE CHILDREN'S CRY. Before the beautiful year grows old, and sunlight fades upon sea and land, "Whilst fields have colour and gardens gold, and holiday crowds move hand in hand; When over the meadows they toss the hay, and poppies appear in the waving wheat, When the silent forest is passing sad, and the breath of summer is piercing sweet; When a sigh goes forth from the working town, and a whisper comes from the fields and hills, And the whirl of wheels for an instant stops, and the pace is over that cures or kills; 'Tis then, my Brothers, and Sisters too, we each of us owe a tremen- dous debt, When we hurry away from the London roar, and leave the eyes of the children wet _: A debt we owe, and it must be paid to the utmost letter—I '11 tell you why. The summer brings sorrow to way-worn feet,—and this is the reason the children cry! Three children sat in a London Square, in front of a house with the blinds drawn down, "Are they dead," said one, "in the rooms up there?" "No," answered the other; "they 're out of town! They 've hurried the dear little family off with their spades, and pails, and their seaside hats. They 've locked the garden and left us here with the empty cabs and the starving cats. It isn't for us to be pale and thin, when we 're given in charge of the sweltering streets, For they give us a peep, between bars, at trees, and permit us to huddle on doorstep seats. If it wasn't so dreadfully wrong to ask, we 'd like to know where the roses grow, And if it be true there are distant hills away in a wonderful land, you know, Where it's green as far as the eye can see, where the wind blows sweet and the fields are wide. Will nobody say where the country is?" As nobody answered, the children cried! July 9, 1881.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. Jinks. "A—have I had the—a—pleasure of sating Good-byk to Yov, Miss Mary?" ~ u = "I think I know where the country is," said a fair little child, whose breath came short, "I heard it once from a rickety lad, who came to live in our dingy court. It is where they find some wonderful waves, and lovely water all green and blue, And they pour it over the weakly limbs, and they seem to grow; do you think it's true? I should like to look at this beautiful sea, and touch it just once; for listen to me— I 've a brother at home who is fading away, and I think he might live by the beautiful sea. I wonder if I were to knock at this door, and ask the old woman to show me the way To the place where they dig on the sands and bathe, and children like us are permitted to play, Would she push me away after slamming the door, or tell me some more of the waves and tide. It isn't so much for myself as for him "—and the poor little sister unconsciously cried! "But why was this beautiful country made ?" thought a curious child in a doorway nook, "It doesn't seem fair that a few should taste, and many be never allowed to look. Was it made for the women who every day buy baskets of flowers and set them down, And allow us to peep whilst they are asleep in the blinding heat of the dusty town? Was it made to separate rich and poor, to give us hope and our neighbours health? Are fields and flowers grim poverty's ban, and sun and shadow the prize of wealth? Do you think that summer was made for death, to soften sorrow and sweeten loss? That flowers were given for children's graves, and born to die on a funeral cross? Is it true that the men at whose doors we sit, can leave such weeds in the streets to die? Can turn their eyes from our faces pale, and close their ears to the children's cry?" 'Tis easy to follow where fancy leads, believe me or not, but never forget 'Tis a terrible thing if a kindly world refuses to cancel the children's debt. The lovely summer too soon takes wing, the changing seasons divide and part; But a shilling may buy us an infant's smile, and a pound can borrow a thankful heart: A day in the air that we love to breathe, an hour or so by the changing sea, A song of happiness under trees, when the air blows soft and the heart is free— It sounds so little to those who go, hut oh! so much to the many who stay, With indolent feet dividing the dust, whilst happier lips are drinking the spray! Come, open your purses, turn them out, and let the little ones dive down deep In many a pocket to find a spell that may silence sorrow or purchase sleep. One feather the less in a bonnet or hat wouldn't ruin the look of the prettiest miss, And many a woman would gladly change a flower or fan for the children's kiss, A little less dinner, my epicure friend, a smaller regalia after lunch, And the difference send to Bouverie Street, post haste directed to iHr. laSlXC^. MEININGEN MELODRAMA. At Drury Lane, seeing "Das Kdthchen Von Ileilbronn." First Old Fogey. The Pleasures of Me- mory—in German! Second Old Fogey. Memories of the Coburg and the Vic, eh? Oh, to he a boy again, and understand it all! First O. F. Don't jou? Second O. F. Well, I think I begin to grasp the meaning of Kdthchen's reiterated "JSfein, mein hoher Jferr!" She # has nein'd nine times in the last nineteen lines. A "Grand Historical Drama of Chevalery" they call Von Kleist's masterpiece, in the English Synopsis. First O. F. "Chevalery," pour rire, Reynoldsian romance dramatised. That tenebrous subterrene Court of Justice, those black-masked myrmidons, those torch-bear- ing catchpolls, do I not know them as well as Second O. F. German? Well, it's splendidly put on the stage—dresses, arms, attitudes, all superb! Skelt glorified, in fact. Look at steel-clad Count Wetter there! Have I not seen him. "a penny plain, twopence coloured," with a distant tent seen through his heroically straddling legs, a hundred times? First O. F. How many more pages is he going to declaim? Why does he shout so? Second O. F. They are all Stentors— Orafvon Strahl, his foe First O. F. Or foe—to— Graf, eh P {Chuckles. Second O. F. {wishing he had thought of it). Faugh! They don't fight well, though: spit and toasting-fork stvle of sword-play! Irving and Terbiss could do it better. First O. F. Contest between the peacocky Kunigunde and the cushat-like Kdthchen for the hand and heart {not the head—he hasn't one) of that mailed lout, Count Wetter. Don't I know Coburg ethics and Skelt charaoter P Kdthchen s in love. Second O. F. Love is a Kdthchen com- plaint. First O. F. Bah! See! Castle in flames, Kdthchen to the rescue. Fall of burning walls! Fine scenic effect! Second O. F. And Kdthchen palpably oremated before our eyes! First O. F. Not at all. Bead your Synopsis:—"Kdthchen appears uninjured, protected by a cherub "iff There's a lime-lighted cherub who dwells in a turret, Keeps watch o'er the life {and the pretty petti- coats) of poor KUthehen. What's that Wetter '\in doing now? Second O. F. Pumping Kdthchen, who has a habit of talking in her sleep, concern- ing her passion for himself. Nice knightly sort of thing to do! First O. F. Ingenious! Second O. F. Nor less so the Kaiser, suddenly finding out that Kdthchen is his long-lost daughter. One misses the straw- berry mark, though. First O. F. No matter, we have the three V's, Vio. Virtue Victorious! The Teutonic Transpontine only too well mounted, and plaved for the quality of the stuff. Second O. F. Yes — Thia melodrame of media- -val sham they 're scarcely shining in; Shakspearian drama seems to be Far fitter for this clever Tbe- -atrical troupe from Meiningen. A bad rhyme, but not worse than Canning's. [Exeunt Old Fogeys. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [July 9, 1881. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. Br-dl-gh. McL-r-n. Sir R. C-rd-n. S-i-K-tit-atArms. J. C-w-n. SirC. D-lk». P-t-r R-l-nds. SirW. Lws-n. SirB. Cr-s*. MORE "FORMS OP THE HOUSE." (By EUclric Light.) P-rn-U. Ch-ld-n. Monday, June 27.—The Irish Members are, to quote one of their lational poets, "blue-mouldy for want of a bating." Came down ;o-night determined to have a row with someone. T. D. Sullivan, is being innocent-looking, put up to reconnoitre. T. D. S. wants to know why someone in Mullingar has been detained in prison, when someone else of the same place has been acquitted. Argument irresistible on the face of it. But Mr. Forster, who is often obtuse, ioes not see it. The O'Kelly dashed in, and next The O'Donnell. But nothing worse came of this incident. Then The O'Donnell attacked Lord Frederick Cavendish on tho Question of the Telegraph Clerks. Rather hard on a deserving olass that they should be thus made the shillelagh for Irish patriots to swing over the heads of English Ministers. Lord Frederick, capital subject. Shrinks from a row. Nervous and excited. In calmest moments his words tumble out fourteen to the dozen. In the practised hand of The O'Donnell, they pour forth like the water at Lodore, bumping up against each otner without the smallest appreciable interval of space. "All his parts of speech are conjunctions," Harcot/rt said, look- ing with curious interest at " Fwed " as he stood trembling in every limb and pouring- forth his torrent of stumbling speech. Excited by The O'Donnell's triumphs, The O'Connor (Arthur) next tackled Childers about the reprisals very properly taken at the Curragh against cabmen who had Deen in league with the.Land- Leaguers. Lastly, the whole pack set upon Forster, and The O'Donnell, rushing in, trampling on The Healt in his haste, moved, the adjournment of the House,whilst the Chief Secretary was baited about the harmless City of Waterford. This being apparently the last opportunity of the day, the Irish gentlemen made the most of it. look up an hour of the time that might have been given to the Land Bill. "But it's of no consequence," as Mr. Toots observed, when he accidentally sat down on Florence Dombey's bonnet. Ireland, doubtless, is as downtrodden as represented, and the Land Bill a matter of life and death to the people. But Irish gentlemen must have their sport. Business done.—Clause IV. of the Land Bill passed. Tuesday Night.—Fresh injustice to Ireland. After several recent Morning Sittings Mr. Bigoar has exercised his genial influence in the direction of bringing about Counts-Out. To-night Irish Mem- bers have Bill which they want to pass. Don't know the name of it, and forget what it's about. Sure to be asking for a grant of money. Mr. Healt interested in it, and goes about looking up forty friends to make a House. "They '11 be harder to find than the ten righteous men in the City of the Plain," Ton Collins said; "I needn't wait." Nor did he. But Mr. Warton was on the spot, to do what was needful at nine o'clock. Tom Collins very hard on the Irish Members just now. Some kind friend has told him Mr. Bigoar's bon mot, which rankles in his chaste bosom. Thomas, it is well known, is very careful in the matter of dress. Not originally in the matter of seleetion. But from the date the clothes once become hit, are never cast off. They may drop off, but that is their affair. Tom's umbrella is a famous appendage. Always a throng of Members round it in the Cloak Room, regarding it with the interest Antiquity possesses for the intelligent mind. "Noah used to walk about with it before the rain made it really too wet to go out," Sir Wilfrid says. Since he returned to town, Thomas has had many invitations to dinner. Found the necessity of introducing a variety on his well known morning dress. Carefully selected from a large assortment a suit of evenmg clothes that really lit him very well considering. Only it is no use paltering with the truth. Thomas, when thus arrayed, undoubtedly is reminiscent of one of those respeotable gentlemen seen at Lord Mayor's feasts and elsewhere in the City, who hand you soup over the wrong shoulder, the plate being held between finger and thumb delicately covered with white cotton gloves, always worn loose. This necessary to explain Mr. Biggar's joke. "Iom's been earning three-and-sixpence again," Mr. Biggar says, when the Hon. Gentleman appears about midnight, in evening dress, after having been absent three or four hours. Business done.—Land Bill in Committee. Clause V. Wednesday.—My colleague, Mr. Walter, often reads me bits from the Times. Says there's nothing like it for improving the mind, making it move easy on the pivot, and taking an all-round view of things. To-night he skips the leading articles and reads me this paragraph:— "Sir Charles Forster has left London for a week, being paired from June 27 to July 4, with Lord March and Mr. E. Hicks." Capital idea this. Wonder it never occurred to the other side. Supposing Randolph were to turn his great mind to the subject, and paired off a hundred of his men against two hundred of the other Bide, the Ministerial majority would be swept away, and the Land Bill might be greatly improved. Sir Charles Forster, unquestion- ably a personage of exceptional importance. His speech the other night on petitions, a masterpieoe of cogent reasoning, brilliant fanoy, scathing wit and easy grace. But he has not a monopoly of these recommendations. Randolph has as much claim to be paired off with two from the other side as Sir Charles. Quite certain that if proposals were made for Randolph, Mr. Gorst and Mr. Warton, to pair against six Liberals, the party would cheerfully sacrifice the three votes on a division that would be lost by the transaction. Business done.—Land Bill in Committee. Thursday.—Lord Stratheden and Campbell brought on ques- tion of the Greek frontier to-night. It was settled some time ago, and the speech was a little late. But that an objection of which his Lordship takes no account. All very well for flippant persons like Lord Granville and Lord Rosebert to arrive at a deoision that shall keep pace with events. They have not much mind to move, and when the progress is accomplished it does not greatly matter. "You know, Tobias, ah "my Lord said to me, thrusting out his chest, and making a gesture as if he would put his hand in his bosom, but, on reflection, decided not, " It's very easy—ah—to put a perambulator in motion. But when you—ah—try to start a six- wheeled locomotive, it is—ah—different. My Lord started at last; but moves slowly, pausing at brief inter- vals for reflective interjection, and as he turns slowly round as on a pivot, making incomplete gestures, sometimes as if he would fold bis arms across nis bosom, anon as if he would bury bis right hand in his waistcoat. Never completes either of these motions. Pro- bably means to finish them next time he speaks. His oratorical style excites a good deal of envy in the breasts of his peers. July 9, 1881.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. "A tableau vivant representing the mountain in labour," Lord Gban- tille says, with one of those gentle smiles which feather his darts. "Lord Pompous and Ponderous" is the Marquis of Salisbuby's friendly play on the double-barrelled name. "A coronetted Askmead-Babtlett," says the Duke of Abgtix. But none of these things hurt my Lord, who knows that true great- ness of soul has ever been the target of little minds. Land Bill in Commons. Friday.—Glorious fun to-night. Exquisite iokes. Rare humour. Since ten o'clock (and it is now past midnight) been " baiting old Gladstone." _ Everything in our favour. He is pretty old at any time, but to-night is more than a week older than on Monday. Five dayB with the Land Bill would tell on anyone. But when we have a man like Gladstone, who throws all his energies into the slightest controversy, a week of this sort of work at 72 is no joke. Moreover it is hot and close to-night. He has been at it with brief interval since two o'clock in the afternoon, and one can see by his restless movements that he is out of health and out of temper. Nothing could go off better, and a right pleasant evening we 've had. Badger-baiting nothing to it. Cock-fighting not a patch on it. Teething a young terrier on a rat not nearly so pure a joy. Chaplin leads off; Randolph takes up the game. "When he is tired, Gobst can always be counted on for dropping a few elaborately acid remarks, whilst Mr. Wabton is in great form, laughing insolently whenever Gladstone speaks, crying "Oh! Oh!" and Hear! Hear!" and otherwise representing an intelligent constituency. An excellent game in which of course we win. Gladstone loses his temper, snaps at Randolph, glares at Wabton, is ferociously sarcastio with Chaplin, flings Gobst on his knees and makes him apologise, and insists upon taking divisions all round. limitless done.—{Morning'Sitting). Discussed Land Bill. [Even- ing Sitting.) Baited Gladstone. THE PENNY POST. From Jeames's Point of View. Sib Haloebnon! Sir Haloebnon! I can't believe it's true, They say the Post's a penny now, and all along of you; The paper which was once tne pride of all the Swells in Town, Now like a common print is sold for just a wulgar brown. It's very well for Standards and for Telegraphs and wuss, To sell for pennies to the folks as goes outside a buss; But them as rides in carridges did always use to boast They took a more expensive print—the genteel Morning Post. All fashionable noos was there delightin' you and me, With sometimes verses by a Lord—his name was Winchelsea! And Mister Jenkins did nis best to keep it com-il-fo; But what on earth can we read now ? that's what I want to know! These social dimmocrats will find as Lords is up to snuff, They won't 8o and demean themselves with buying penny stuff: Why even Licensed Wittlers beats the Peerage now, they '11 say, They have an orgin of their own that's thruppence every day! A Host Miserable Business. Herb Most has been sentenced to sixteen months' hard labour. In his most wretched paper, and in most wretched articles, he advo- cated the cowardly assassination of those more than most unhappy persons whose misfortune it is to be called kings. The Judge who tried him spoke of imprisonment with hard labour for the most part as if he had experienced it himself. Either the Judge's English was most wretched or his sermon was most wretchedly reported: and whether Most got the least or the most punishment that could be given, it was a most miserable business altogether. LITEBA-CHBWEB AT THE MTTNCHING HOUSE. It was very kind of the Lobd Matob to ask us, and to provide a number of noble Lords to talk prettily to us after dinner; but many of us would prefer to be poor old Doctob Johnson, eating his food behind a screen, than a crowd of nobodies honoured for nothing by a public banquet. THE LTCEtTM PROGRAMME. Tarn BelWt Stratagem, and the Bells without the Stratagem. Quite a Casus Belli. Why not finish with Jingle f "It'« difficult enough to pick out a 'winkle with a pin," said an unsuccessful Sporting Prophet as he sat at his tea, "but it's nothing to.picking out a winner." The Dean. "Well, I 'm olad tou 're getting on well in toub new Place, Jemima. When I 'm in London I will call and see tou." Jemima. "Oh, Sir, Missus don't allow no Followers I" ANOTHER MARKET MYSTERY. BEAL AMERICAN WELSH MUTTON! Accobdino to an official Report on the Metropolitan Meat Market at Smithfield, it appears tiat 25,000 tons of American Meat were sent into that Market last year, and at the Court of Common Council held last Thursday, a very un-common Councilman with evidently an inquiring mind, and, in this oase one would say, not a thirst, but a hunger for knowledge, boldly asked the question what became of it? There are in that Court we are told, Meat Salesmen and Fish Salesmen, and Poultry Salesmen and Fruit Salesmen, and all other kinds of Salesmen, but not one of them could answer what seems so simple a question. 25,000 tons of American Meat enter the one wholesale market of London, and not a pound of it is ever to be found in a Butcher's Shop! Of course Mr. Punch laughs to scorn a rumour that has reached him, but which, if true, would account for the greater part of the mystery; but perhaps he may as well repeat it, in order that it may at once receive the indignant official denial that he of course antici- pates. It is said, then, that this American mutton is sent from London by rail to just within the borders of Wales, is there submitted to certain artistic manipulations to conceal its base origin, is then carefully paoked in Welsh cloths, sent back to London as real Welsh mutton, and sold as such to us poor Londoners, the gain on the transaction being about threepence per pound! Mr. Punch, the Publio protector, serenely awaits the receipt of the indignant denial above alluded to. CRAMMINO. In order to mitigate the expenses of cramming for the Army and Civil Service, a Society of Crammers is to be formed on Co-operative principles, to be called " The New Coaching Club." PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [July 9, 1881. Hawker. "Book o' thb Words, my Lady. Mrs. Jones {for the benefit of the bystanders). UNDERSTAND THB PLAT I" BRITISH PROPRIETY. iiortherised copy. the dam o' cameleers!" 'Oh no, thank you. We 've come to see the Acting, we do not wish to POLICE PRECAUTIONARY REGULATIONS. Dealing with Suspicious Circumstances.—Rightly speaking, no cir- cumstances are genuinely suspicious. If, for instance, you meet a costermonger leaving the dining-room window of a residence in Belgrave Square, with a silver tea-urn, five dozen forks, a fish- slioe, two teapots, and a crow-bar, at three o'olock in the morning, try, if you can, to look the other way. If, however, you are too late to do this, go up to him. in a friendly way, and ask him if "he isn't the Butler taking the things to have them cleaned before breakfast." If he says " No, you bloke: why carn't yer see I 'm the Dook a-going to leave 'em at my Banker's round the corner?" wish him a very good morning, and wait patiently till he comes back. Guarding a Suspected Charge.—Make yourself quite comfortable about this, and don't take a narrow view of the matter. Treat your charge with every confidence, and remember that he deserves it. If he wants you to come down to Folkestone, and then, jumping on board, says, " Look here, I should like to have a look at Boulogne "— let him. Be quite sure he '11 come back by the next boat—or by the next but one. If he happens to have somebody else's drawing-room clock in his hat, is gashed from head to foot, and has nothing at all about him beyond this to excite suspicion, treat him with gentle- manly tact. In short, manifest a generous trustfulness, and thank- fully act upon any of his suggestions. Offer a reward for him; set the public by the ears; arrest several wrong people, and so shed lustre on the Defective Department generally. Absit Omen !—Success to the future of New Leadenhall Meat Market I A Gentleman bearing the respected name of Whitting- ton officially assisted at the ceremony. The name is unfortunately suggestive of Cat's meat. Recent Police Failure.—At whatever station on the Brighton Line he got out, he certainly accompanied the Police on purpose to Baulk 'em. PLAYGOER'S DIARY FOR 1882. Monday.—To the Haymarket to see the Fiji County Court Com- Sany play the Lady of Lyons. Business and War-whoop of Second nicer excellent. House crammed. _ Tuesday.—Just got the last Stall at Her Majesty's for the Bulga- rians in Box and Cox. The Mrs. Bouncer quite the feature of the evening. Not a vaoant seat. Wednesday.—To theLyceum to see the Tunisian Company's version of the Colleen Bawn. The Miles-na-Coppaleen of the Bet, weak; otherwise, a very fair all-round performance. Full. Thursday.—French plays at Covent Garden. Les Quatre Maris, L'Indiscretion de Orand-papa, and Madame s'Amuse. Didn't understand a word of it. First-rate. Friday. — Saw the Chinese Macbeth at the Folly. Fight A 1. Apparition Kings on Dragons, effective. Borrowed Ollendorff of a Critic, but couldn't follow the Witches for the life of me. House full to the roof. Saturday.—To Matinee at Gaiety to see the Kurdish Sheikh Obeldullah in Turcoman version of The Colonel. Paid a guinea for a chair in a passage. The whole thing killing. The Soldom-at-Homo Secretary and the Police. Sib William Vernon Harcourt has given the Metropolitan Police a character which is not altogether undeserved. For good, straight- forward hob-nailed boot business few countries can show their equals, and none their superiors. The Seldom-at-Home Secretary was wisely silent as to their intelligence. Perhaps he felt that they were not paid for intelligence; perhaps he felt that if he praised them for this rare and expensive quality, he would have been compelled in common fairness to speak strongly in favour of the criminal classes. If our Police are the best in the world, our criminals must also stand pre-eminent for skill and cleverness; as in all great crimes, they are too much for Scotland Yard and the Seldom-at-Home Secretary. July 9, 1881.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MR. PUNCH'S PROGRAMME OF THE ROYAL REVIEW. lHii m £fl ^ ■r S*iH'V Btf l^ The Supreme Dead of the Intelligence Department requests that the following regu- lations will bo strictly observed by all ranks, during the forthcoming gathering in the Great Park at Windsor. 1. The Volunteers will rise early on Satur- day the 9th of July, partaking of a breakfast sufficiently hearty to last them the whole day, as it is probable that the Commissariat wag- gons, when their presence is needed with their respective battalions, will be found either jumbled up together on the shores of the lake at Virginia Water, or lost some- where between Datehet and Kew. 2. The Volunteers in marching to the Railway Station en route for Windsor, will take care to have plenty of music. Should half-a-dozen bunds play different tunes simultaneously within ea*y hearing distance of one another, a most martini result will be produced. If the noise drives friends of the movement to distraction, the effect upon the enemies of the nation may be easily con- jectured. 3. As the South-Westcrn Railway Com- pany is remarkable for the punctual despatch of its trains at all times, a moment's delay in the starting of the engines is not for a second to be anticipated. Still, should a pause of an hour or so in the carrying out of the arrangements by any chance happen, the battalions Buffering from the accident will bear their misfortune manfully. They must remember that if they look discontented they will forfeit that reputntion for patriotism, discipline, and soldier-like bearing that it should be the object of every true Volunteer constantly to maintain. 4. On the ground the Volunteer Regiments will regard any mistake by a Regular officer as a personal compliment. Thus, should they be sent to the wrong rendezvous by an aide-de-camp, or ordered to "retire" into the ranks of another regiment by an error of judgment on the part of a short-sighted general of brigade, they will accept the situa- tion with cheerful alacrity. It must be borne in mind that a critical smile or a whispered expostulation will certainly be regarded at the Horse Guards as evidence of that want of proper subordination which so invariably characterises a " military mob " when placed under the command of trained soldiers. 5. As the Volunteers have been entirely overlooked in the M New Territorial Scheme, it will be as well that their civil capacity should be more than usually emphasised. Thus the following regiments will march past as detailed below. Hon. Artillery Company.—Commanded by the Lord Mayor in person. Every private to carry a pint of turtle soup in his water- bottle. As they claim to be representatives of the Train Bands, the Hon. Artillery Com- panions, before arriving at Windsor, will be detained rather linger than absolutely neces- sary in the railway carriages. London Scottish.—Lending company to be composed of members of the wooden brigade from the enuff-fhops. In compliment to the schemes of the Regulars, each private will be furnished with a ''mull " of his own. London Irith.—In sympathy with the re- forming notions of II.R.H. the Field-Marshal Commanding-in-Chief, this corps will be headed by a select band of " Obstructives." Innt of Court.—Commanded by the Lord Chancellor in wig and robes. As it is well known that every Member of the Junior Bar is overburdened with briefs, and has no time for anything beyond his practice, the official uniform of Westminster Hall and the Old Bailey will, of course, be tolerated. Should Colonel Bullwer, Q.C., desire to address his men during the march past (as it is expected he will), his speech should be as "brief" as usual. Civil Serviee.—In deference to the notion that the Servants of the Crown "play from ten to four," members of this gallant regiment will march past reading the papers. The public will thus have a proof that, even in moments of relaxation, Government Clerks give a strict attention to business. Artiste.—As it is a thoroughly well-estab- lished fact, that an artist under no circum- stances whatever can dress like an ordinary gentleman, the members of this corps will appear in the traditional slouch hats and long hair, so characteristic of their calling. Unless this regulation is observed, the public will disbelieve that they have got the genuine article. The first to appear—in spite of his name—will be Colonel Leiohton. Royal Naval Artillery Volunteers.—Super- intended by Sir Thomas Brassey, who, of course has been made a K.C.B., on account of the twenty vears he has so gallantly served as Commnnrfing Officer of a regiment! As this splendid corps has nothing whatever to do with the Army, being under the orders of the Admiralty, "My Lords" will send nautical recruits to represent them. There will consequently be a special meeting of Members of the Fenny Steamboat Company. Other corps will be similarly distinctive. 6. After the march past, the Volunteers will get home as soon as they can. In per- forming this manceuvre, "patriotism, &<•. will be greatly needed." As before, the Authorities will " expeit the Force to remem- ber that their reputation," &c, &c, can only be maintained "by cheerfully submitting to," &c, &c. 7. No military band of returning Volunteers must play on any consideration whatever be- tween 3 a.m. and 12 noos before the windows of 85, Fleet Street. 8. In conclusion, the Supreme Head insists that the above regulations 6hall be strictly observed by all concerned; and if they are not—why, he wilt know the reason why / Given at 85, Fleet Street, July, 1881. By Order. (Signed) Tody, Adjutant-General. m % u w -~. ^2» 10 [Jult 9, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. WAGGISH EXAMINERS. It is no doubt necessary that officers Bhould be to a certain extent practised in English com- position, so as to be able to write reports, despatches, and the like. No wonder, then, that questions in composition are set at the ex- amination for admission to the Royal Military College, Sand- hurst. But surely the following questions, which were set at the examination on June 30, are not a little ridioulous. There were only three of them, as follows:— "1. A visit by Sir Roger de Cover- ly and the Spectator to Lord's Cricket Ground. "2. The best means of improving the Water Supply of London. "3. Memorandum by Sir John Moore, the night before the battle of Corunna, containing instructions for his successor, in case he falls in the aetion, and a vindication of his own memory." Candidates were kindly told on the paper not to attempt more than one subject, and that "Your Essay will be valued by its quality rather than its quan- tity." there is a fine satire about that which is quite in keep- ing with the childish nature of the questions. Fancy asking a Cadet to write a parody on the Spectatorj or to make a suggestion on a subject which has puzzled the most eminent Engineers of the day. Some exouse may be made for the last question, though it is clumsily worded, and is rather an exercise in Military History than English Compo- sition. The Examiners seem to have been intent on exhibiting their waggery at the expense of the unhappy Candidates before whom they placed this extraordi- nary paper. PUNCH'S FANCY PORTRAITS.-No. 39. HIS GRACE THE DUKE OF SUTHERLAND, K.G. The Iron (Rail) Duke finishing his great American Ride of Twentv Thousand Miles, and returning "as fresh as when he started." A NEW AXE-HIBITION. The Gold Axe of Ashantee is a relic of ancient glories. The Ashantees believe it to have been used as a battle-axe by one of their old kings. They reverence it as we should reverence, if we possessed, the battle-axe of Richard Cceur-de-Lion. They think it signifies wealth, and symbolises courage. Their pre- sent king accounts it a sacred em- blem of the highest sovereignty. Nevertheless, he is declared to have givenjit up, and made a pro- pitiatory sacrifice of it to the Ma- jesty of England. The Gold Axe of Ashantee that was, then, has become an appurtenance to the British Crown. Has it? Du- plicity being characteristic of barbarians, the possibility of a duplicate suggests some hesita- tion in accepting that axiom. Are you sure that the golden axe sur- rendered by the King of Ashan- tee is genuine? Of course, as we 've axecepted it, it will be axe-hibited somewhere — say in the district of St. Mary-Axe. The Wooden Heads of Old England. The Old Women of England will have enough to occupy their attention for the next ten years in the tunnel being constructed to unite England and France. All the good old Bogie arguments will be trotted out from day to day, and the French and Italians will be pitied for allowing the existence of the Mont Cinis sub- way, and Europe for cultivating a through system of railways. The Worst General at Pre- sent in France.—General Tariff. DOMESTIC ECONOMY CONGKESS. The Annual Meeting of this Congress took place last week at the Rooms of the Society of Arts. It had originally been intended to hold the Meeting at the Coal Hole Tavern; but the ghost of the late Chief Baron Nicholson objecting, on the score that he had never been domesticated and did not like economy, an adjournment was made to the Adelphi. The Dowager Marchioness of Drifplngpan was in the Chair; and, on the platform we notioed, among others, the Countess of Coldstream, Virginia Lady Waterworks, Viscount Duster, Sir Sweepington Tealeaves, Mr. Molly, the Rev. J. Kitchen- stuff, Miss Brown Birch (Member of the 8chool-Board for London), Dr. Toutwell BarkeRj Mr. Whiskerley Watkrrat, M.P., Mr. O'Bedad, M.P., Captain Bilgewater, R.N., the Rev. Almond Rock, the Rev. J. McItchtn, Mrs. St. Vitus, Mr. Albert Biscuit, the Rev. Ebban Flow, Mr. Doubledummy, Mrs. Mofin Bellsize, Major O'De Veb, Mrs. Buxifer, Mrs. Blabberdyce, Miss Bantam Cox, Miss Fytte, Miss Manyge, Miss Takely, Miss Niobe Onions, Mrs. Martin Marall, Mr. Bogryne (Member of the Association for the Advancement of Social Science), and Miss Yelp. Sir Silk- stone Wallsend, K.C.B., in the absence of the Rev. the Vicar of Bray, acted as " Assessor." The proceedings were opened with psalmody, Dr. Arne's tasteful triptych of " Down among the Coals, being beautifully sung by the audience in unison. The noble Chairwoman opened the proceedings by asking the "Assessor" to say something. Prior to his rising, however, Mr. Flimsy of the Morning Dram, representing the gentlemen of the Press present, begged that reporters should be excluded from the meeting. He and his colleagues were family men; and he was sure they could not bear it. The noble Chairwoman said, Certainly not; all the speeches must be reported verbatim. The request was a most impertinent one; and she should desire her under-butler to complain to the Editor of the Morning Dram, who would be instructed to reprimand his reporter. That was done in the case of another man, who died. If the Editor failed to do so {cries of " What t"), no more of his beer would be taken at Dripping-pan House. Mr. Bogryne rose to order. What, he asked, were they there for ?_ What was Domestic Economy? Miss Yelp, interposing, produced from under her mantle the Original Little Dustpan, smote Mr. Bogryne over the head with the article in question, playfully remarking that that was Domestic Economy, and asked him how he liked it. Miss Brown Birch observed that if the intrusive gentleman had any children, and would send them to a Board School, she would take oare that they were fundamentally instructed in the principles of Domestic Economy. Sir Silkstone Wallsend, after withering Mr. Bogryne with a look, proceeded to deliver the Inaugural Address. Domestic Economy, he said, meant a variety of things. It meant himself. It meant all our mothers-in-laws (sobs),—it meant marriage. It meant hearth- stones. (Cheers.) Lived there the man with soul so dead who never to himself had said, This is my own—my native hearthstone? Domestic Economy meant brooms—("Hear, hear."' from Miss Brown Birch),—therapeutics, pneumatics, pickles, calisthenics, Buchan's Domestic Medicine, pancakes, the stomach-pump, homoeo- pathy, humbug, corsets, cosmetics, warming-pans, cricket, tea, tracts, staircarpets, theology, macaroni, grand pianofortes, mutton- chops, metaphysics, Dutch cheese, Rowlands' Macassar Oil, aesthe- tics, and blackbeetles. (Loud cheers.) Mr. Bogryne rose to order. AR the subjects, he contended, men- tioned by the Assessor belonged to the Social Science people. What were the Social Scientists to do if the Domestic Economists left them nothing to talk about? Sir Silkstone Wallsend replied, severely, that the speaker was July 9, 1881.] 11 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. another. He, the Assessor, was the inventor of Domestic Economy. He was the inventor of many things—Cookery, Astronomy, Thought-Reading, Electric Advertising, the Drama, and the Od Force. Miss Yelp said that it was all very well; but she wanted to read her friend Mrs. Skinflint's paper on the necessity of teaching the Philosophy of Foreign Ex- changes to Pauper Children. This she proceeded, to do amidst considerable uproar. Sir Silkstone Wallsend continuing meanwhile the delivery of his address, and Mr. Bogkyne shaking his fist promiscuously. At this stage of the proceedings a member of the Kvrle Society was discovered in the act of surreptitiously distributing peacock's feathers, tiger-lilies, and ox-eyed daisies among the audience. When rebuked by the noble Chairwoman for his misconduct, the hardened man replied that the daisies were only an "oxide," and as "such would assist the chemical and physiological functions of the Congress. Miss Niobe Onions moved that the Eyrie man's hair be cut. The Kyrle man replied that he would sooner Die. Mr. Booetnb rose to order, Was this Domestio Eco- nomy? Miss Yelp, suddenly producing the Original Golden Canister, and smiting the speaker on the head, replied, "No; but that was. Did the gentleman like canister- shot P" She would now proceed with the reading of Mrs. Skinflint's paper. Miss Niobe Onions said the Congress had had quite enough of the literate and loquacious lady's verbosity. She herself had a much more interesting paper to read on the Necessity of Inflicting Corporal Punishment on Servants. [Loud cheers.) This she proceeded to do. Sir Silkstone Wallsend continuing the delivery of his Inaugural Address. Other papers were then read on the Utilisation of Cherry-Stones, the Bi-Metallic Qualities of " Hanover" Sovereigns, the Durability of White Satin Slippers, the Chemistry of Soft Corns, the Qualitative analysis of Ginger-Beer, the Physiology of Crinoline, the Nutritive Properties of Burnt Cocoa-Nut Shells, the Electro-Biology or Bath Buns, the Reformation of Tax- Colleotors, the Advantages of Borrowing Broughams, the Art of Coming Back from the Dogs after You have Been There, the Immorality of Mixed Pickles, and the Eco- nomy of Lighting the Drawing-Room Fire from the Top. As all the ladies and gentlemen, however, read their papers simultaneously, and Sir Silkstone Wallsend continued the delivery of his Inaugural Address, the task of reporting the proceedings was not unattended by difficulty. The Congress separated at 4 r.M. In the evening an adjourned meeting and conversazione took place at the Horticultural Society's Gardens. The effect of the electric light on a magnificent display of Scotch broom and rod-odendrons contributed by Miss Brown Bibce, was very striking. A selection of musio enlivened the discussion, comprising the well-known moreeaux, " Oh, there's Nothing Half so Sweet in Life as John Stuart Mill"; Haydn's " My Mother Bids me Bind my Books lest Dogseared they should Grow"; "Those Airy Belles.' those Airy Belles.'" "Dear Old Adam Smith.'" "McCulloch's the Man for Me ".- "Said the Young Jerry Bentham to the Old Jerry Bentham your Writings were always rather Dry"; and " Non mi Ricardo"—the last sung by Signor Poverissimo from Leather Lane. Many more papers were read, including one from Professor Sockdollooer of Hoshkosh, Michigan, U.S.A., on the Domestic Economy of the Bowie Knife, and a very sterling Essay by Pegwell Bey (Nine- teenth Secretary, Ottoman Legation), on the Relative Value of Turkish Coupons, Mexican Bonds, Confederate Hundred-Dollar Bills, the Poyais's Loan, Texan Shin- plasters, and Obliterated Postage-Stamps. Sir Silkstone Wallsend continued the reading of his Inaugural Ad- dress; and the Congress broke up about midnight. Mr. Toole did not officiate as Toast and Water Master. Change of Title. They now call him the Duke of Mullborough, not because he is the owner of "Woodcock," and the father of Lord Random Chubchtll, but because he gave the former to the latter to represent in Parliament. Lord Random sits on, but hardly for "Woodcock," and really represents the "Cocky" side of London impudence. He would be idolised by a constituency of Sim Tappertits. TRUTH FOR (IRISH) TOURISTS. Landlord of Ballyblathercm Hotel (writing to the London Papers). "Is it Dis- turbance, tiiin? Nivir belave 'em, Sorr! The Counthry here 's as quiet as a Pig in a Puddle, the River's fairly aloive wid Fish, and there's ilegant Shooting of ivery kind—sarrin Landlords." (Aside to disconsolate Waiter.) "There, Barney, that'll fitch the Saxon spalpeens, and give ye something better to do than Boycottino the Floies wid yer Napkin!" SATIRE AT SOUTHAMPTON. The Southampton Town Council, at a recent Session, adopted a recom- mendation, thus chronicled by the Hampshire Independent, relative to *' A 'well-filled' Town-Seroeant.—The General Purposes Committee recom- mended the appointment of William Francis Masters, an Assistant Inspector of Nuisances, to fill the vacant office of Town-Sergeant and Water Bailiff, his duty being to attend all Corporation processions and banquets; and that he be provided with a coat and hat, and be paid £2 '2s. per annum for his services." Two guineas a year, and his victuals—occasionally perhaps when he attends the Corporation banquets, if his duty is also to partake of them. Yet so the Town-Sergeant will only be well filled now and then, at the Town's expense; for civic banquets at Southampton nre less frequent than they were. Mr. Masters, however, is naturally well filled—described as "a good portly man, well filled out," and, as such, expected to "do credit to the office " designed for him. He had need be, apparently. But now, what did the Committee mean by suggesting the appointment to attend Corporation banquets and processions, of an official whose special antecedents were those of "an Assistant Inspector of Nuisances "? The inference that, therefore, Mr. Masters is specially Quali- fied, as Logo says of himself, "to spy into abuses "? Economical satire ( Be that as it may, let us hope, for the credit of Southampton, that the full Town- Sergeant's office will be equally well filled; and that, in his additional capacity of Water Bailiff, he will succeed swimmingly. "A mad world, my Masters!" Telegraphic Bees and Drones. The Telegraphists, by agitation, have compelled the Treasury to do some- thing, and tie Treasury have shown their indignation by attempting to "do" the Telegraphists. In the new scheme proposed by Mr. Fawcett and Lord Frederick Cavendish, the working men, women, and children are to get* penny, and the drones of the hive—the Superintendents—something like a shil- ling. Liberal or Tory, Radical or Conservative, it is always the same. No man can touch Red Tape without being defiled. 12 [July 9, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE G. G. G., OE GBOSVENOB GALLEKY GUIDE. Nos. 20 and 23. Two Portraits. By W. G. Wilis, the Dramatist. The Dramatist is better in the Gallery than on the stage. He can draw two girls, but can he draw a house? Yes, he did,— lots of 'em—with the Charles the First and Olivia pencils. No. 54. Misgivings. "Walter Maclaren. We like Miss Givings. Mas- ter Givings is a funny little chap too. No. 57. Arcadia. By G. F. Watts, B.A. Arcadia can't be a very nice {)lace, judging from the action of this ady. She is evidently saying to herself, "It has bitten me on the shoulder." "Flee, Flea-'ence, Flee ! "—Macbeth. No. 60. "Draped Figure at a Foun- tain." So Mr. Armstrong calls it, and very good draper the Artist is. As the lady is at the tap, and is draped in yellow, standing against a background of orange-trees, and in a yellowish light, the title would appropriately have been " Tappy-ochre." So. 64. Mist Givings (and her little brother). Wal- TKR M ACLAHE.V. Ill r3?eto. t/^^^sS ^3 ■Mr Jrar 1 M f jm No. 80. The Staggrite; or, tin Horns, Kennington (called Green Old Age). By Thos. I he land. No. 96. Singing Lesson. Karl Sen loess kh'. Quite in the High- tailian style. No. 103. Sir IT. James, Q.C., M.P. Miss Ethel Mortlock. A portrait of a Jem, and a Gem of a portrait. No. 109. The Last Look- Scene at the Foundling Hospital in Pome. R. Leh- mann. Strong: anything but a limp production from a Lame 'un. We are sorry to see that Mr. Blackburn, in his interesting "Notes," terms this "a low-toned picture." The tone is de- cidedly hiirh, the moral sen- No. 97- Venice—Xoon. H. Cook. View of Cook's Tourists conspiring against their conductor. No. 120. The Laidly Worm. By Walter Crane. Or " The Early Bird (Crane) Catches the Lately Worm." timent perfect, and if the tone of this pioture is low. to what a stupendous height Mr. Blackburn must have risen! Why, he will soon be in a painted window in Westminster Abbey in the attitude of an Angular Saxon. Nos. 121 and 126. Portraits. By Carlo Pelegrini, whose show in Vanity Fair is justly celebrated. One is of G. F. White, Esq., which C. P. was in-whited to paint; and the other is of Thomas Blanford, Esq. "Very like, very like," as Hamlet said when the Ghost was described to' him by Horatio. And as we haven't seen the originals, we are in a similar position to Hamlet when he made that celebrated remark. No. 123. Clement Godson, Esq., M.D. By A. Stuart Wortlet, who is to be congratulated on naving stood Godfather to such a Godson, and having given him such a handsome mug. What a kind Godfather! No. 132. The Mill in the Gloaming. C. Napier Henri. This must be some notable exception, as the Mill was generally in the morning. The gloaming, however, is not a bad time for any merry meeting that has to be kept dark. "Bobby! Bobby! Bobby!" Exeunt omnes. OVERHEARD AT THE HORTICULTURAL. Between Daiilia Variabilis and Cactus {Knotted Monslruosus). Dahlia {to Cactus). Well, of all the horrid, hideous, misshapen mon- sters that ever called themselves flowers, you are the worst. [Shudders. Cactus {to Dahlia). Bah! Rosa Matilda criticising the Dan- tesque! Characterless chit, you are the type of a conventional Miss, all frills and no feelings. Dahlia. You are a perfect ogre. What Flora can see in you, / can't think. And as to wasting culture on you Cactus. Don't make an idiot of yourself by talking about Culture! Culture can't improve the inane, any more than it can conic sections or coloured diagrams. Why, a common Sunflower has more of the Utter in it than you. The most Consummate Member of the Kyrle Society could not lunch, or even " snack" upon contemplation of a Dahlia! Dahlia. You nasty, deformed-looking abusive, old horror! Don't point your poisonous spines at me! Why, I'm the very "flower and quintessence" of Culture. Cactus. Yes; like a bread-and-butter Miss "finished off" at a fashionable boarding-school. Pray be silent, and leave me to the contemplation of the Colossal-Grotesque. Dahlia. Shan't! You 're a spiny impostor. I heard a pretty girl in pink say that your ugliness gave her the shudders. Cactus. And I neard a soulful creature in snake-bronze remark, that prolonged contemplation of you would mechanise the spirit of Swinburne himself. Dahlia. Your soulful creature was a morbid Gusher. Cactus. Your pretty girl was a frivolous she-Philistine! Dahlia. Pooh f Pretty girls will be popular when the fad for the Hideous Intense has gone the way of all fads. Ugliness has tried hard and artfully for an innings; but Nature and the Truly Nice will soon bowl it out. Cactus. The Truly Nice t Niminy-piminy noodle! "Nice" is the Shibboleth of Silliness, which calls everything it feebly likes "nice," from poetry to strawberry ices. You are nice! [Snorts. Dahlia. And you are nasty.' [Sniffs. Cactus. Abuse from imbecility is a tribute to unconventional merit. Like Irving's acting, or Bowdewow's Ballades, my weird charm is repellant to stupidity. But who with a soul above cut- paper camellias cares for you? Dahlia. I 'm sure Lord Holland wrote some vastly pretty verses about me. Cactus. Lord Holland's taste, like his name, was Batavian. Whereas Zola Dahlia. Silence, Sir! Are you not ashamed to mention his name to a respectable flower like me? Zola, like you, is a monster, and Cactus. Oh, you know something about him, then, Miss Pro- priety? Dahlia. You are a type of the gross morbid Realism he loves. _ Cactus. And you of the smooth, formal, pretty-pretty, spurious Idealitv he hates. Dahlia. Look at that darling in a Crinolette hat, how she is admiring me! Cactus. See that superior spirit with the prominent chin, how raptly she is gazing at me! Dahlia. Are you aware that you look like an Incarnation of Ele- phantiasis? Cactus. Would you be surprised to hear that an ear-wig is crawling out of one of your painted Dutch-metal petals? [Left squabbling, like the Schooh they typify. The Bronze Horse at the Alhambra sounds heavy. Led Horse,"—but it needn't be. So does " a CV To Co»B«sro»Drrrs — Tit Bditor diet not hold hi-nttlf bound to acknowledge, return, or pan/or Contriliulioru. In no com MR tneee bt returned unlat accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope. Caput thou Id bt kept. July 16, 1881.] 13 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SHUT UP! "Yon 'rb veey Bald, Sir! Havi you tried our Tonic Lotion J" "On yes. Birr that 'a not what 's made all my Hair fall off!" NOTES FEOM THE DIARY OF A CITY WAITER. ROBERT AT EPPING FOREST ON WHIT MONDAY. Having herd a good deal said at sum of my dinners about the many Beautys in the Peeples Forest of Epping (how that name brings baok to fond mem'ry thoughts of savery sausages such as we never gets now!), I wisited that charming locality on Whit Monday to spend a nice quiet day in its silver glades, I think they calls 'em. I never new 'till that ewentful day why it is called Wit Monday, and I don't exacly no now, but I think it must be because of the fun the Railaway people has with you. For instance, I started by train from Liverpool Street for Ching- ford about 12 o'clock, with a party of 6, all werry comfortable in a fust class carridge, tho' we 'd only paid for third, and all congrater- lating ourselves on our good luc, but that didn't last long, for at every station as soon as we became stationery, and even afore that, there was quite a rush of most common people into our beautiful carridge, until when at last we enterred Chingford, we had no less than 23 passengers, includin 2 werry powerful-looking ladies ewe- dently fresh from Billingsget, if anything fTom Billingsget ever is fresh, and with all the pecoolier erroamer of that charming place full upon 'em, and also a pore little Baby that was put up in the Basket over our eds and held there by his principle parient with an ocky stick, but who didn't seem mnch to enjoy his elewated persition for ne screemed all the way. It took us a pretty considerable time to get out, and wen it came to my turn, and the werry plensant-looking Station Master, who I herd somebody call Mr. Staggs (of course only as a Epping Forest joke), asked me how many more? and I sed, with some sewerity, only 8, he axshally blusht, and muttered sumthink about holliday time. Well, I walked out of the Station with all the dignerty beooming a fast class carridge, to have my quiet stroll in a silver glade, when, as the Poet used to say when I was a boy, "0 wot a site met my view!" I think I never was so astonished in all my life excep when a Royal Prinse gave me a Sovrei'gn for his At. Silver glades? Silent forest? Bounding Dears? No! but Bartlemv Fare as I remember it in my youthful childhood, and Grinnidge Fare as I knowd it in my herly manhood. Is this, thort I, wot I come all this ways with 23 insides for to see? Swings and Bounderbouts, and Koker Nuts and Arnt Sallys, and Donkies and plenty on 'em, and Ginger Beer Bottles lying about, and lots of dirty paper and mess! I was that disgusted and disapinted that I was amost a good mind to go home, tho' that's about the last place we ever thinks of going to for an olliday, but luckily for me there was the beautiful trees, only just a little ways off, looking so quiet and green and inwiting, that I tuoked up my trowsers, as it had been raining like fun, and leavin all the noise and the mess and the wulgarity behind me, plunged boldly slap into the Forest. Ah, what a change! How any living man or woman or infant child can waste the preshus hours of their seldom come hollidays, a swinging and a Koko Nutting and all that rubbish, when their own butiful Forest is just by, is far more than a mistery to me, it's redly somethink almost strange. Well, I wanderd on and on in a perfect rapsher of delight, for I 'd never seen a reel Forest afore, excep Hornsey Wood, and that wasn't a bit like a Forest excep its name, when presently I meets a Gent drest summet like one of Robbing Hood's merry men, as I 've seem 'em on the Stage, and we soon got into conwersation, and he told me as he was a Keeper, of course I looked round to see where his Patience was, but he larfed and said he was a Forrest Keeper and not a Mad Keeper. He told me he used formally to carry a gun, but as he wasn't aloud to shoot nothink, he soon got tired of carrying it about all day, and so they never shoots now except in the Autum, when they goes a Buck-hunting for the Lord Mare's Wenson. He says that's about the best bit of fun he ever has, for the Com- mittee comes down from London looking so dredful sleepy at having to get up so early, that it's a sight to see, and as they knows no more about shooting than the babe unborn, and that can't be much, the Keepers drives the poor Dears close up to 'em, and then they all bangs away at 'em, and of course misses 'em, and the Dears gallops away, and then they all has to begin over again. He tells me no Committee man has ever 6hot a Dear but wunce, and then the Hed Keeper stood behind him and fired at the same time; and one of 'em hit it, and the Keeper said it wasn't him; and I have heard it said that was the best day's work as the Hed Keeper ever had. It don't seem a werry pertickler hard life as those Keepers lives, but not awdaciously exsiting. I don't think it 'nd suit me, for let alone the want of hardly no place for refreshment, or shelter when it's wet, the hutter habsense of all that constitutes the reel poetry and charm of life, or in other words the turtle and wenson of egsist- ence, such as Toasts and Speeches and Loving Cups and all that, must be somethink awful! I had a good 3 hours stroll thro' the beautiful Forest all the way up Eye Beach, and saw hundreds and thousands of appy faces, and I thort to myself if I was Lord Mare of London, which there don't seem much chance of my being just at present, I'd ha' had a good long drive on that werry day thro' that there Forest that the people owes to the Copperation, and ha' seen how thorowly thousands on 'em was enjoying it, and I 'd be bound he 'd ha' had such a reception as would ha' sent him home a wiser and a better and a jovialler and a hungrier man. (Signed) Robeht. A FALSE REPORT. Sad was many a heart in England when the news came o'er the wave, That a gallant Royal Middy 'neath the sea had found a grave. Many a mother's heart in anguish throbbed with sympathetic pain For the Realm's adopted daughter, for our winsome Royal Dane. Terrible indeed the tidings, had the fair young sailor died; But there came a consolation, as of old 'twas Rumour lied. Bon voyage! the Nation wished them when the Princes sailed away, And the cheery words are echoed in a million hearts to-day. May the vessel that they sail in be by prosperous breezes f ann'd, Till once more their Mother clasps them, safe and sound, on English land! =======c=== Ortonian.—A new TicnnoRNE Claimant en route. It is said ho can speak and write French perfectly. "Ah!_" says Mrs. GAlir, "we shall soon 'ave another nobleman languaging in prison." VOL. LSXXI. H [July 16, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL THE COMET'S FAREWELL. S N^ £s Yes, Punch, I 'm off I As I shan't be back this wav for a few thousand years, I drop your preposterous old planet a line or two, P.P.C. To you, old friend and fellow luminary, it's only au revoir, of course; but for the rest, things will be a bit changed before I make my next call. At least I hope so. Really, Punch, with a fixed star like yourself always steadily shining on them, men ought to do better. Evidently the Earthites consider themselves quite the Metropolitans of the Solar System, but I can assure them that, from a Comet's point of view, they are very very provincial, and amazingly behind the Age. The true Cosmic Age I mean, which is not measured by your little terrestrial Time-ticks. A Comet's tale—if I 'd time to. spin it—would rather astonish the mannikins, for, in fulfilling my extensive round of engagements, I witness performances which would show your Shaxspeare that if "all the world's a stage," it's a very penny-gaffish affair in- deed after all, mainly given up to coarse sensation and screaming farce. Whether your political burlesque or your social spectacle be the absurder, 1 hardly know. St. Hilaibe perorating round amidst the Abstract Virtues is side-splitting: Bismarck trotting out Political Economy is as funny as Polyphemus on a spotted horse; an Irish orator slanging the Saxon might make a nebula shake like champagne jelly; and as to little Lord Randolph baying the moon at midnight, ha! ha! ha !—had he known that a Comet who had seen not only "men and cities" but constellations and galaxies, was "takin' notes " of his nonsense for the amusement of o Centauri, the consciousness might have put his conceit out of countenance and his moustache out of curl. I 've made some mems during my short stay with you, which will send Aldebaran into paroxysms, which I fear may interfere with his parallax. Bull's Eye, your clowns call him. Pity John Bull's eye isn't as keen. In some things it's as dull as—say a Detectives. Relieve your constables of their bull's eves, dear Punch, and equip them more fitly with Dogberry1's dark lanthorn. Artless Holmes would run Verges very close. And those Aldershot idiots are not much better. I, innocently, helped to make it hot for the poor soldiers; do you of set purpose make it hotter for the dolts who dispose of them. Tell them that Army management does not mean treating the Regulars like salamanders, and throwing cold water on the Volunteers. The Red-Tape-worms will eat the heart out of J. B's Constitution if he doesn't mind. 'Ware Windsor! "Thy forest, Windsor, and thy green retreats," sounds cool and comfortable. But the Sua—highly Conservative old Cockalorum Sol—rile him sometimes by calling him Aldebaran, because he's 'alf a Tory fa Tauri)— the Sun I say is about as discriminating as—a Royal Duke. Green retreats may perhaps July 16, 1881.] 15 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. be read as antithetical to "Verdant advances," and your amateur strategists are equal to either blunder. Sol, naturally, is not over sweet upon me, thinks me Bohemian and eccentric. He's a steady time- keeper, and always comes home to tea, whilst I summer with you, and winter somewhere out Arcturus way. Summer with you I say advisedly. I 've been with you a full fortnight, and, thanks perhaps to me, you've had rather more than the usual three days, and a' thunderstorm, already. It's a broiling day brings nobody pleasure. Ask your young Cricketers! Lord's looked lovely; so did the Ladies. Your pretty girls and their dresses are none so dusty. At least, they were dusty, in the literal sense, but delighted and de- lightful. "They credit me with improving the quality of wine; I fancy I have increased the consumption of olaret-cup and lemon-squashes. Tennis, too. Always fun where the " flying sphere" is, Cricket-ball, or Comet. Not sure I shouldn't like Cricket myself, with blue space instead of green turf and rival constellations for oppos- ing teams. I should never make a long stop, though, eh? Yes, my Punch, your girls would do credit to a less ridiculous planet. Only no Crinoline, as they value the respect of a Space-wanderer! I've seen a lot of folly in a fortnight; you must have a nice lively time of it, keeping things square all the year round. Driving a team of frisky young Comets with various orbits and conflicting tails would be a trifle to it. Men have doubtless learnt a thing or two_ since I saw them as Chaldean shepherds, but as to real improvement they are disappointing. You can quiz me through telescopes, the electric light promises well, the telephone I shall have to tell many a billion-leagues distant star about, and that storage of force notion may considerably revolutionise the face of old Terra ere /look on it again. Shall I give you a few hints, eh? "Well, War's an expen- sive little lunacy for a world supposed to have sown its wild oats, so's Protection. The fads for sea-green girls and senseless slang are about equally stupid. You ought to abolish street-pests and Fashionable Beauties. As to those limp, long-haired noodles who languish over lilies, if you could tie 'em to unbroken Comets, like maudlin Mazeppas, and send 'em all to explore the Utter Inane, you 'd do a good thing—not to the Comets. The dirtiness of vour streets and your fashionable novels would discredit the Anthropophagi; and Mud- Salad Market—well, you can't be as far as you fancy from dragons and the primeval slime when you tolerate that and the Griffin. While you can't prevent your wives and daughters from tight-lacing, the "subjection of Woman " sounds like satire. Your Society Journals and four-wheeled Cabs want improving off the face of the earth, Agony-point Amusements, Bumbledom, Billings- gate Bunglers, Show-Charity, Chimney-pot Hats, Parlia- mentary Palaver, and Street Blocks all await the final kick of indignant Common Sense. Room for improvement everywhere except at 85, Fleet Street. Hope you '11 have a "better report when I look in again—say about 6000 a.d. To our next merry meet- ing in a bumper of Comet port? Why, sutt'nly. How's time? Phew! I 'm due at my aphelion in half a jiffey —say 1500 years or so. Au revoir! GARFIELD. "He was, Dr. Bliss said, the very best patient he had seen in the course of his surgical practiced' So fit to die! With courage calm Armed to confront the threatening dart. Better than skill is such high heart, And helpfuller than healing balm. So fit to live! with power cool Equipped to fill his function great, To crush the knaves who shame the State, Place-seeking pests of honest rule. Equal to either fate he '11 prove. May Heaven's high will incline the scale The way our prayers would fain avail To weight it—to long life and love! An Irish Quittance.—A Tenant Farmer's Rent is due at Midsummer, and he pays his shot. A SKETCH AT LORD'S. Eva [for the benefit of Maud, who is not so well-informed). "—AND those up- right STICKS TOU SEB ARE THE WlQKZTa. HARROW 'S IN AT ONE END, AND Eton 'b in at the other, you know!" OLD PARR'S "PARS." Some great man has said—very safe that, and a capital introduction to one of your own stories—that everyone should carry a note-book and a pencil wherein and. wherewith to record on the spot all the good things he hears, and all the bright thoughts which occur to him. I mentioned this some six months ago to Brown, who is a Drysalter, and lives at Clapham, and he jumped delightedly at the idea. He told me the other day that the chief merit of the advice, as far as all the good things he heard, and all the bright thoughts which occurred to him was, that after any space of time his note-book was as clean and fresh as when he bought it, and his pencil did not require cutting. The art of keeping a note-book is a most difficult one to acquire. I gaze sadly on an entry in the one that lies before me. It is " Birmingham be hanged. Eliza a widow." Now that is the key-note to one of the best stories I was ever told. I laughed at that till the tears ran down my cheeks. I made the above memorandum, which sufficiently indicated the point of the story to me. And now I have forgotten every word of it. I can't go about asking my friends " Do you know a story in which the hanging Birmingham and the widowhood of Eliza occur?" And the man who told me the story is dead. "How is Jones?" asked Robinson of Brown. "I never see him now. I don't want to. He was too much; borrowing a fiver one day, getting you to cash a dishonoured cheque the next. I couldn't stand him any longer. In the language of the turf, ' I cut it.'" "Or rather, in the language of the Ring, you threw up the sponge." A severe reprimand from the Committee will, it is thought, meet the justice of the case, albeit the majority of the members are clamouring for Robinson's expulsion from the Club. Consuming tobacco through the medium of cigarettes is the most unwhole- some and deadly manner of enjoying the deleterious herb. I notice that the young men in the stalls of our theatres, the young men who talk all through the performances, and give biographies of the ladies on the stage to their friends, smoke nothing but cigarettes. This goes far to render a visit to the theatres in this weather not only bearable but positively enjoyable. 1G [July 16, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. ifoypAr, July 4.—Mr. Chamberlain, who, amid absorbing labours finda time to smoke large cigars and instruct the mind of the young, sometimes walks up and down the terrace with me, and tells me stories out of Natural History and the works of popular novelists. There is one interesting story about a little boy named Pip, who had an uncle named Pumblechook, who, among other pleasing and endearing habits Was accustomed to ruffle the boy's hair the wrong way, as a preliminary to putting him through the multiplication table. I don't know whether" Mr. Cavendish Bentxncb: has an uncle Pumblechook, but he certainly reminds me of this little story about Pip. He is the rumpledest man I ever saw, and when be comes down late, as he did to-night, with his shirt front broken out of bounds, his hair vehemently brushed the wrong way, his arms and legs twitch- ing, and his face a little flushed, one would think, but for the absence of blood and the non-appearance of a watchchain peeping from his shoe, that he had been making a journey down to Brighton in company with an old gentleman and a countryman. Am told that C. B. used to take a much more prominent part in politics than now. Mr. Ramsay says that in the last Parlia- ment he was one of Her Majesty's Minis- ters, a combination of military and judicial authority. But Mr. Ramsay is such an inveterate joker. To-night C. B., having fidgeted about for a long time, watching Randolph at his old game of "baiting Gladstone," felt a call to speak. Jumped up convulsively, and was welcomed with hilarious cheers from the Opposition. With tragic gesture denounced Her Majesty's Govern- ment as the authors of all the woe of the world since the com- mencement, including the momentary block of the Land Bill, which most other people attributed to Randolph's vivacity. "Should show more respect to the Opposition," says C. B. in his loftiest style, "an Opposition which is largely composed of English gentlemen." House roared, and C. B. grew more rumpled as he marvelled what he could have said. Gladstone presently informed him, when, in that bland and polished style too rarely adopted, but which sits so well upon him, he pointed out to C. B. that having alluded to the Opposition as "largely composed of English gentlemen," there remains with him the disagreeable necessity of accounting for the rest. Business done.—Still on Clause VII. Tuesday.—Talked with Alderman Fowler to-day of men and things, more particularly of Debate on the Land Bill, who has made a position, and who lost ground. Alderman emphatically of opinion, that to us« the Aldermanic words, "Chaplin has greatly enhanced his position." Alderman always suspected Chaplin of great talents, but was not prepared for the fertility of resource and the volubility of Bpeech, displayed during the past six weeks. Alderman says that in this matter of eloquence we are too much slaves of pre- judice. Get accustomed to regard Glad- stone and Beioht as the greatest orators of the House. One man says it, another repeats it, and we all go on clamouring it. When a man with a good presence and loud voice, together with a capacity for stating a case in plain language, rises from the corner seat behind the front Opposition Bench little heed is paid to him. But the Alderman has not a narrow mind. He is thinking of Chaplin and the common impression, scarcely yet dissipated, that Gladstone in point of oratory is superior. "Look what a fine voice Chaplin has." he says. "Sometimes when he is describing the depth to which we have sunk, and the certain and imminent destruction of the Empire, I can scarcely say 'Yah- J'aA-Yah!' for the choking feeling in my throat. Then how bold he is! Starts out on a sentence with no particular mean- ing, but wonderful for sound. Piles up big adjectives till you don't know where you are, nor does he. But the effect marvellous. See A Dissenting Chaplin. ] how Warton cheers, and how quiet Sir Stafford Northcote looks, thinking it oyer, and wishing that Heaven had gifted him with even a little of this power of speech. I am getting on in years now, have heard many healths proposed at dinners in the City and elsewhere, have listened to some of our best speakers in the Common Council, and I declare that nothing moves me like a good speeoh from Chap- lin which he has had time to prepare. Then his perorations! Did you ever know a man so rich in perorations? Gladstone can't do more than one in a speech, whereas Chaplin has from thirty to seventy according to the length of the oration. No, no, Toby, it's all mere prejudice. We talk about Gladstone's oratory, and shall do so to the end of the chapter. But give me Chaplin." Most intelligent man the Alderman. Shall cultivate his acquaint- ance. In the House of Lords question about Review at Aldershot on Monday with the thermometer at 124°. Twenty poor fellows carried off the shelterlessplain and six since died. "Hot!" said H.R.H., genially joining in the conversation with Lord Camperdown and Lord Morley; "no such thing. Never in my life saw so few men falling out. Assure your Lordships I have been in places where it was fifty times as hot." Fifty times 124 is 6200. An unusually high reading of the ther- mometer in these regions. Duke of Somerset says there is only one place where such degree of heat is possible, and that George, though well known as a Ranger, cannot have been there yet. Business done in Commons.—Five Clauses of Land Bill passed. Thursday—Last Session a middle-aged gentleman, of bald head and pensive countenance, was accustomed to make frequent visits to the House of Com- mons. He must have been a Peer, since he satin their gallery. He was probably a Prince, since he occupied the seat over the dock. Actually he was more, for he was a Ranger and Prince Christian. Result of his stu- dies of House evi- dently not flatter- ing. Having sat by the hour watch- ing the many hu- mours of the assem- bly, Prince Chris- tian arrived at the conclusion that the House of Commons is of no account. Think a good deal of them- selves, but a Prinoe, a Christian and a Ranger, will, when opportunity serves, show what he thinks of them. This our Prince from over the sea has done. House wanted to know whether it might not, as on former occasions, have special enclosure whence to see Volunteer review. "Certainly not, says Prince Ranger; "there are enclosures for the servants of the Royal Household, and the Four-in-Hand Club have been provided for. But Peers and Commons must get on as they can in the crowd." This is admirable, and may have wholesome effect in curbing the haughty Barons, and checking the insolent Commons. We are too much accustomed to the courtly good-nature of our Albert Ed- ward, and other English-born Princes of Royal blood. A little change wholesome and desirable. Some of the Members say that they will have it—with respect to the management of Windsor Park. But we shall see. Stirring times at hand. In my mind's eye can see Prince Christian enter the House at the head of a body of sub- rangers and demand that Mr. Schreiber, Mr. Labouchere, and T. P. O'Connor (who have presumed to ask questions on the matter), should be handed over to him. There would be no diffi- culty about T. P. The House, generously inclined at the outset of the young man's career to encourage youth and modesty, has had its confidence grievously abused. T. P. will be oheerfufly handed over. But for the rest we should expeot Mr. Brand to make answer as Speaker Lenthaix did at a former crisis of Parliamentary history. Business done.—Reached Clause XIX. of Land Bill. Friday.—Crisis averted. State saved. Revolution postponed* A space has been roped off at Windsor for the use of the Members: 500 tickets have been issued, and, what is still more gratifying, a special train has been provided, for which Members of Parliament only will be privileged to pay. A great weight lifted from the minds of lovers of order. Instructions immediately given to stop preparations for throwing up barricades in the lobby. Also the secret drilling intermitted, and no more pikes are to be sharpened at the lord Spencer addressing the "Spectral Parliament." Via* P.M.O. July 16, 1881.] 17 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. back of the Speaker's Chair. It has been a terrible time, and only shows how careful our hereditary legislators ought to be in the dispensation of their power. After this proceeding with the Land Bill in Committee quite tame. Members never can settle down to ordinary business after being wound up to this pitch of excite- ment. Mr. Gladstone rather likes the look of the Committee. "The more empty benches, the fewer wagging tongues!" he says. Mr. Chaplin resting from his labours. Randolph also easing off a bit, though he comes back at eleven o'clock, and expresses his in- dignant regret at the passion displayed T>y the Prime Minister tor refusing permission to withdraw amend- ments. Home Secretary beaming. Bubbling over with geniality of jocosity. If he nad caught Lefroy with his own hand could not have been in better humour. Business done.—Passed five Clauses of Land Bill. "WHO COMES FIRST? (Revised order of Precedence, from H.R.H. Prince CBRrsTiAir's own particular list.) The Ranger of Windsor Forest. The London General Omnibus company. Gatekeepers of Cumberland Lodge. Small Tradesmen of the Royal Borough. The King of the Sandwich Islands and friend. The Finsbury Ragged School children. Members .of the Meiningen Court Troupe. The Chairman of the Woking Cemetery. The Beadle of the Burlington Arcade. Representatives of Colney Hatch and Hanwell Lunatic Asylums. The Piccadilly Midgets. Knights of the Garter. Ticket of Leave men. Dukes in their own right. Inhabitants of the Isle of Dogs. Archbishops of Canterbury. Habitual Drunkards, and Members of the House of Commons. Gai! Gai! Gai: Mlle. Guanieu has achieved a genuine triumph as La Belle Lunette, and M. Joly is immensely funny in Offenbach's sparkling opera. The French tenor, with the English name of Cooper, might be own brother to our M. Marius of the Strand, so closely do they resemble one another in voice. Mlle. Mily Meyer as Marcel- line is most decidedly "chic;" but the Blanchiseuses are not particularly " snappy,"—in fact, as to the ensemble, it is only a short time since that our London Opera-tives would have been their pupils; but now on a change tout eela, and as far as operas-bouffes go—and they do go quite far enough—we manage these things better in England. Conscience—a Vaunt! (Rondeau by a Robust Radical.) Conscience rules me. That explains My cantankerousness and crudeness, Scorn of courtesy which restrains Party wrath or private rudeness. Chivalry? A weak-knee'd fad, Shibboleth which ne'er befools me! Call me churl, or call me cad, Tart, intolerant, but add— Conscience rules me! Fact for Farmers. The preliminary abstract of the Census for 1881 enumerates the comparative density of the population of the counties. Lancashire and Middlesex have each a density of over 1,000. The great manufacturing shire and the metropolitan county are the densest of all. Heretofore it had been imagined that the agricultural counties were the most remarkable for the density of their populations, but the clodhoppers are evidently less dense than the cotton-spinners and the cockneys. GROUND GAME!" First Sportsman. "They 're fust-rate roasted I Second Ditto (getting hungry). "Ah !—oh, I say, in anticipation)—"the Cracklin'!!" 'Arry "—(smacking his lips A PLEA FOR PADDINGTON PARK. Ninety acres in the heart of North West London saved from Bricks and Mortar, and dedicated to Turf and Trees! That is the Midsummer Day's Dream of the projectors of Paddington Park. An excellent dream too, that ought to be straightway realised; or at least, made a possibility of the not too remote future, ere it is too late, which it soon may be. The Metropolitan Board of Works is no Puck, neither is it a Fortunatus, but it is believed that if the Public (which when it pleases, is Puck and Fortunatus in one, with a touch of Peabody thrown in) would subscribe £100,000 towards the £273,000 estimated as the extreme value of the space, the Metropolitan Board of Works would be willing to purchase the land, and so secure it for Beauty and Health and the Public Good, against Ugliness and Sickness and the Speculative Builder. Now then, British Public, amiable but sluggish FoBTUNATUS-PEAiODY-Pr/CK, here is a task that is worthy of your co-operative wealth-magic, being big, beautiful, and beneficent. Upwards of Nineteen Thousand Pounds already promised! The privilege of swelling that sum readily ^obtainable on application to H. F. Pooley, Esq., 91, Portsdown Road, W. What a chance! And what a life Mr. Pooley and. his postman will have after perusal by the B.P. of its old friend Punch's appeal! The North-West London people want a Park, a "lung," as it is the fashion to call an open-breathing space. And the North- West London Rough? Well, our Parks, for all the smoothness of their swards, are often, in a sense, made Rough-places, by sprawling, bawling, dirty, semi- drunken, howling, and horse-playing ruffianism. "The People," clamorous for breathing-room, must learn to keep its "lungs" clear, and make good use of Nature's beautiful gifts and philanthropy's costly dowers. But Parks mean prettiness, and prettiness means polish, even to the Rough, in the long run, though his coarse grain may not readily take it. So, British Public (to parody an old song),— For to beautify North-West Babylon, Aim subscriptions at the murk Of pretty, pretty Pooley, Treasurer For Taddington Park! Interesting- to Chiropedists.—The Corn Returns Bill cannot be passed this Session. So, in the meantime, cut and come again. 18 [jult i6, is8i. Punch, or the London charivari. THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. Hostess. "What, leavinq already, Mr. Mivers I I 've scarcely seen anything of You the whole Evening!" Mr. Afivcrs [who goes in for the Courteous Manners of the Olden Time). "That, Madam, is entirely my Fault!" [Exit gracefully, but remembers as lie goes downstairs that lie meant to say "Misfortune," not "Fault" MY MAN! [Lobby Ballad, sung to himself with the greatest success, daily, by the Scrgeant-at-Arms.) How on earth shall I manage to take him? Will he turn up in the afternoon P Shall I have by his collar to seize and shake him? I don't know yet,—but I shall very soon! Will his speech be round and smooth as a sonnet P— Or will a stout horsewhip be part of his plan? Is he dodging me somewhere—he I would bonnet,— He, I must " go for "—My Man, My Man! I will not fancy him large-boned and stately, Showing a strong disposition to fight; Nor dream, as I touch him politely,-sedately, That suddenly he may let out with his right. Yet, if with a teste that I '11 merely call " shady," He hopes to break into the House with his clan, He '11 find that, although I am not in my hey-day, I 'm more than a match for My Man, My Man! So I shall be courteous, humble, and lowly, Nor Bhow him the claw that is veiled 'neath my glove; And he may come up with a rush, or quite slowly— I shall care no more than the Strangers above! For what with ourselves,—the reserves that we 're keeping Hid under the benches,—then, outside, a van,— Trust me—though Labby swear, and Northampton be weeping- /'// manage to bonnet My Man, My Man! ET APHES? "Forwards!" cried the Greek troops, and then they marched Arta-wards. A COMPARISON. What a difference between journeying from London to Man- chester, vid Great Northern from King's Cross, five hours, and travel- ling from Boulogne to Paris, also five hours 1 On the former the time for stopping varies from three to seven minutes, always uncer- tain, neither guards nor porters being able to afford any reliable information; so-called refreshment-places with nothing worth men- tioning ready to hand or mouth, except buns, sandwiches, and a compound called "claret-cup"; but no ioed ginger-beer, no iced water. Of course the traveller, being hopelessly in the dark as to how long or how short a time ho may have to wait, has to do the best he can in a hurried way, and return to his dusty carriage with its skimpy wiggle-waggle blinds, useful as worriers of the temper, either unrefreshed or none the better for bis very hasty snack. Why can't the Continental system be introduced? Where is the impossibility of one fifteen minutes' pause in the course of five hours (between 12-30 and 5 "30—we were twenty minutes late, so it brought it up to 5'50)—for refreshment—bouillon, chicken and salad, a pint of tin ordi- naire, and iced water—which should be ready and waiting for the poor creatures who have, as a rule, insufficiently breakfasted or inadequately lunched? Let us have a Travelling-in-Comfort-by- Rail Commission of Inquiry, and let's have the evidence of Messrs. Spiers and Pond and other caterers for buffets. Seasonable Dialogue. Scene—Neighbourhood of Margaret Street. Time—Afternoon of "Eton and Marrow" at Lord's. Two old Schoolfellows meeting—both Clergy- men; one a Ritualist, and the other a Broad Church. Ritualist Curate [sweetly). Ah, my dear Simpktnson, on your way to Margaret Street? Going to Vespers? Broad Church Parson. Vespers F No; off to Lauds. Here! hi! Hansom! PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—July 16, 1881. THE BILL-STICKER. July 16, 1881.] 21 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Katin' Uoy at Lord's. ETON AND HARROW-SPECIAL. We don't know anything about Cricket ourselves, except Dickens's on the Hearth, so we chartered an experienced person—at least, he said he was an experienced person—and this is his report of Eton and Harrow. "We fancy somehow it is not quite right, but then we really do not understand technicalities. Here it is:— Eton and Harrow are two public schools. Eleven of Eton play Eleven of Harrow. This is as it should be, and quite fair. The wickets were better pitched than usual. This was a wise precaution, as pitch- ing renders them water- proof, and there was a good deal of rain about, one way and another—but mostly one way. Damp is bad for matches, and the Eton and Harrow is no exception. They strike only on their own bats. Hadow, who batted capitally overnight — as a bat he comes out strong at night—was soon out next day. He is a musician, as I hear he scored " Eighty-One," but I don't know the opera. I remember somebody's "Ninety-Nine": Offen- bach's, I fancy, but 1 always fancy Offenbach. The Bowlers have plenty to do, and there there is no rest tor the wicket. The only person who keeps quiet the whole time is the Umpire. As Louis Najoleon observed, "L' Umpire c'est la paix." Louis was a first- rate Cricketer. When on the second day the match commenced, the Batsmen were not at home. They were immediately sent for, and promised to come at once. The Cricketers' favourite songs are "Batti Batti!" and " Willow Willow!" Mabtineau drove Lascelles very hard, and quite upset him. The corner men were in excellent form, Bones being particularly funny. There were a great many Ladies present—what the exact number was I could not ascertain; but 1 know there was exactly one more than had been expected, as she was rather rudely alluded to throughout the day as The Maiden over." I did not see her myself. I also heard of " a splendid catch." She was pointed out to me on a perfectly appointed drag, where she sat eating pigeon-pie and drinking champagne. I am looking out for this sort of thing (about £50,000 a-year. paid quarterly), but failed to obtain the necessary introduction. Very sorry. As the losing Cricketers say, '' Batter luck next time." At 11'23 a.m. Harrow registered 180 in the sun. and Eton was about 165 in the shade.. I stayed outside on the ground the whole time, which 1 have since regretted, as several people told me "the play was capital." It might have been, but I could not for the life of me find out where the play was going on, as none of the officials (officials are such idiots) could tell me where the theatre was situated. "The Play's the thing," I said, appropriately, and I really should have liked to have witnessed a Matinte by the United Dramatio Eton and Harrow Company. Why don't they put up "this way to the theatre. Play just about to begin!" The Eleven have all of them square legs, but they oome round afterwards. Harrow won easily, and I had a very pleasant two days, though I still regret not having seen the Play of which everyone speaks so highly. I have seen no notice of it by any Dramatio Critic. Was the Play a classic one? However, next time I go to Lord's I '11 take precious good care to Bee everything, and if the entertainment is Classic or Shakspearian, I shall provide myself beforehand with a book of the Play. Yours faithfully, Noddi Pasha. Another Guy. There is no law to prevent a tradesman putting up his own statue in his own shop, but it is always more effective to support it with other statues. If Mr. Popkins is in the iron trade, and he or his admirers wish to glorify the name of Popkins, the best way would be to have three statues representing Ceawshai, Bessfmeu, and Popkins. This places Popkins in good company. On the grand staircase at Covent Garden Theatre there is a counterfeit present- ment of the late Lessee, but the visitors look in vain for Rossini or Mexerbeek. or even Vebdi or Donizetti. This is a mistake in every way. The inventor even more than the dealer is entitled to the doubtful honour of a statue. STORAGE OF FORCED LABOUR. A Memorial has been addressed to the Home Secretary by Sir Abel Handy, F.R.S., wherein that distinguished natural philosopher and scientific experimentalist embodies a practical suggestion for the economical storage of force, which might be adopted with the aid of Government. Premising the consideration already recognised, that water-power, where available, will, equally with steam-power, serve to generate electricity, so, likewise, Sir Abel points out, would human bodily power. As a waterwheel might be employed to turn a dynamo-electric machine, so might a treadwheel. Sir Abel Handy, therefore, urges Sir William Harcourt to effeot the utilisation of convict labour, by establishing in every prison throughout the United Kingdom a treadmill so arranged as to work a machine for the de- velopment of electro-magnetism, connected with an apparatus such as that lately invented by M. Faure, in which the electric force thus obtained might be received and stored up for all the various uses to which it is applicable, especially the purpose of illumination. In this way. Sir Abel observes, every convict gaol in these dominions, instead of being, as it were, a blot upon the face of the land, would be converted into a centre of enlightenment to the surrounding neighbourhood. When on this principle we see a truly Model Prison—a model "Quod"—we can apply the formula Quod erat demonstrandum. HOW TO TREAT THE ARMY. Select the hottest day you can possibly find for a perfectly use- less sham-fight, and send the men out with the heaviest, clumsiest, most antiquated, and unseasonable head-gear. When a few of them perish, as a matter of course, of sun-stroke, express the utmost astonishment that anybody can die from such a cause in such perfect uniform in a temperate climate. HOW TO TREAT THE VOLUNTEERS. Encourage fifty thousand men to attend a Review, and then tell them coolly that your military organisation is quitennequal to the task of giving them a day's food, though the thing is done a dozen times in the course of the year at places like the Crystal and Alex- andra Palaces. As they are nearly all respectable middle-class members of Society, give them a shilling a-piece to take care of themselves, and trust to their sense of decency not to abuse such extraordinary liberality. Wisdom for the War Office. If a recent telegram from Berlin can be trusted, the present Czar of Russia is no fool:— "All unnecessary and gaudy ornaments in the Russian uniforms are to be abolished, the Czar having ordered that the utmost simplicity shall be ob- servable in the outward appearance of the Army." But how utterly unwise and absurd, as well as mean and shabby, the ideas of the Czar on the tailoring department of "Military Organisation" must appear to the Authorities who regulate the British Army! . Some New and Light Reading. Better than any one of 'em, or any Twain of 'em just now, is Mr. Chandler Harris in his Uncle Remus. Difficult reading at first, on account of the nigger spelling, but well worth mastering. To read this Unci* Remus—do not deem us Too pressing, if we beg you with " O-rtmui." Chandler Harris is a lad o' wax; and the others, in this style of thing, can't hold a candle to him. "THRIFT, THRIFT, HORATIO! A Column of news contains a statement that "it has been resolved to raise a fund of one thousand pounds, with which to develope the work of the National Thrift Society." For the promotion of that object very many peoplewill probably prefer setting an example of economy by not subscribing. LE PETIT DUC At a Fancy Ball given at Bestwood Lodge, Nottingham, the Duke of Albany, a few nights since, " appeared as Louis the Fifteenth.' A professional gentleman, not unknown to fame at the Lyceum, expressed his gratification at the Duke having appeared as the author of The Bells, Leopold Lewis. f22 [July 16, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAElVAHt. PRESENCE OF MIND. Visitor (in Cathedral Tovm, desirous of information and willing to pay for it, to rcspectable- looking Party, w/iom he takes to be a Verger). "I suppose now these Cloisters "—(slips florin into his hand)—"are not older than the Sixteenth Century?" Respectable Party. "Well, Sir, I'm sure I"—(pockets tlie coin)—"thankt, Sir—can't sat, Sir; 'cause I 'm a Stranqer 'eke myselp!!" {Exit hastily. Tableau! A HEARTH-AND-HOME SECRETARY MATTER. The Royal and Parliamentary Burghs of Scotland have memorialised the Government, praying for the introduction of a Bill legalising Marriage with a Deceased Wife's Sister, or for facilities for passing such a measure this Session. The Seldom-at-Home Secretary has received this, and it is now " under consideration." The Burghs' Memorial states that so many more persons than usual are going abroad to avail themselves of the advantages offered, for example, in Switzerland, where the minimum of residence is required. A voyage to our own Colonies is too long and expensive, or the ceremony could easily be performed within the British Dominions, though it is an absurd and cruel anomaly that Miss Smith, the natural guardian of her deceased sister's children, the little Browns, after becoming legally the wife of Mr. Brown in Australia, should on her return to her native land, with her lawful wedded husband, find her- self still Miss Anna Maria Smith, spinster unattached. All the old-fashioned illogical and un- substantial arguments against the legalisa- tion having been long ago refuted and disposed of, the sooner Common Sense settles the question now "under consideration," the better for everybody, except, perhaps, Mr. Cook & Co., who will lose some marry- time excursionists, and especially for Sir W. V. Harcourt who, by doing his level best for this petition, will earn for himself the Hearth-felt title of the " Home Sweet Home Secretary." CAEMEN CULINARIUM. "Our populace and our Philistines must have more civilised conceptions of life hefore they can learn to cook, and they must learn to cook before they can understand the enjoyment of life."— Saturday Review. Lady mine, since you are rich in Charming culinary lore, Let me enter too the kitchen, Where I never was before. Teach me arts of frying, boiling, How to make the Pot-au-feu; I shall be contented toiling— There with you. Teach me to dress_ dainty dishes, Soups, and curries with their rice, How you crisp those little fishes Known as whitebait, in a trice. You make omelettes that would lure a Hermit into wild excess; You 're a neat hand at a Pure"e, All confess. Men may come, and also men go, As the Laureate has told, But with fowl a la Marengo, Will affection ne'er wax cold: Slices of a Severn salmon, Well may serve to fan the flame; Sweetbreads of the tender lamb on Sauce supreme! Better far than arts (esthetic, Crewel-work and peacook fans, Are these studies dietetic. Carried on mid pots and pans. This is woman's true position, In the kitchen's inmost nook, And a lady's noblest mission Is to cook! The Sad Sea Wave. The sad sea wave is rendered much sadder when it forms the practis- ing ground of Naval Artillery. Taxation with the chance of being shot is not a pleasant adjunct to the pickling season. Putting danger aside, the most happy-go-lucky tax-payer hardly likes to lie upon the beach and hear the reports of distant guns which cost from five to forty pounds an explosion. It was thoughtless to take the King of the Sandwich Islands to the Tower, and show him the Beefeaters. When he went to Richmond, the coachman carefully avoided Ham. He has expressed his admiration for our English "Bread-and-butter Misses" just home from school. July 16, 1881.] 23 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. CALLED TO THE BAR- PARLOUR. As Coroners' Inquests mostly have to deal with the solemn sub- ject of death—death by accident, death by suicide, or death by murder—it would only be decent if the country provided some other place for hearing evidence more suitable than the eternal pothouse. To enter through a more or less gaudy bar, to as- semble in a room which may be covered with sawdust, and is sure to be adorned with varied adver- tisements of Gin and Beer, and to be regaled with the stale fumes of last nighl's tobacco, beer, and rum, will not stimulate that judi- cial spirit in which "Crowners' Quests " are generally so lament- ably deficient. The wandering garrulity of the bar-parlour may naturally be expected in such an atmosphere. Instead of confining the investigation to the cause of death—was he killed by accident t did he commit suicide? or was he murdered?—all kinds of irrele- vant evidence is received and en- couraged which ought to be left to the Police and the Magistrates. Scotland Yard requires more work than it gets, though it does its work very badly, and it does not want to sit idle for a week while a medico-legal functionary is flooding the newspapers with talk, and probably constructing an untenable theory. PUNCH'S FANCY PORTRAITS.-No. 40. PUECIJVI A Note and Comment. Mks. Ramsbotham's niece read out the advertisement of Dore's picture, " Moses before Pharaoh." "Dear me!" exoiaimed the dear old lady, "Before Pharaoh! I always thought they lived at the same time. But, she added, after a moment's reflection, "I dare say it's been altered in the Revised Version." A STRANGE PERFORMANCE. The Licensing chaos makes one acquainted with strange play- fellows. At Hengler's Circus, in order to give a quasi legality to a Promenade Concert, it is thought advisable to represent an Operetta on a table. This is not an inven- tion of a Circus clown, but a regu- lation of the Lord Chamber- lain's. There is no time to erect and clear away a stage, so the performance takes place in a space that is not much larger than the back of a good old am- bling circus-horse. This dramatio make-shift is supposed to cover the substantial Concert which follows, and which ought to be licensed by the Meddlevex Magis- trates. At Covent Garden Con- certs are given without a licence, because Covent Garden claims to be a patent theatre; and at Chel- sea the Magistrates would license both the Music and the Drama, because the Lord Chamberlain's authority only reaches to Pimlico. The next Home Secretary will probably look into this chaos; the present one is quite above such petty parochial details. *H*-w:.\&.,, C. E. HOWARD VINCENT, 1 Directeue des Affaires Crimineli.es de la Police Mktro- K>LITAINE I)E LONDRES; MeMBRE BE LA FAUULTE DE DROIT ET DE LA SOCIETE Ge.NERALE DES PRISONS DB PARIS" AND YET When there 's practical detection to be done, To be done, This Director's lot is not a happy one, Happy one. A Boon. Air—" Charley Mount." On Town is not a pleasant place On a Sunday in July; We hope this will not be the case With Sundays by-and-by; For Herbert, R.A., Has improved the day With the Hanover Gallery, Mem.—Historians have clearly proved that the Great Duke never exclaimed, "Up Guards, and at 'em!" We think it highly pro- bable he said, "Up Guards!" but as to the remainder of the sentence, there's not an " at 'em" of truth in it. THE DIAEY OF A MODERN DETECTIVE. MoifDAT.—Got a circular from the Director of the Criminal In- vestigation Department, with one of Gaborian's Novels translated. The Director wants me to be " on the alert." Always am. Am to keep a sharp look-out for a man with one eye, one arm, and one leg. There's a task for you! Man has got green hair and dark-blue complexion. Have written for further particulars. Am studying the novel. Very interesting. Tuesday.—Further particulars arrived. The man only speaks a language consisting of one word, "Jamerangtong," and is dressed as a Chinese Tartar. These details may help me. Capital novel! Wednesday—I believe I am on the track. Have been told that the man who is wanted Bmokes a pipe. Saw a person smoking a pipe to-day. Arrested him, and carried him to the police-station. He is believed not to be the man, because he has his full complement of arms, legs, and eyes. Moreover, he speaks several languages fluently, has brown hair and a white complexion. Advisahle to detain him. The cells being full, we made room by dismissing a prisoner who had been arrested by mistake. The prisoner arrested by mistake had one eye, one arm, one leg, green hair, and a dark- blue complexion. He was dressed as a Chinese Tartar, and could speak only a language consisting of one word, "Jamerangtong." Went home; read novel. What chances Gaborian's Detectives had! _ Thursday.—Prisoner arrested yesterday and kept in the cells all night, not the man. We are rather sorry we allowed the other man to go, as he certainly resembled the kind of person wanted in some particulars. Found that the liberated man had cast his skin on leaving the^coUce-station. Carried away with me the costume of the Chinese Tartar. Shall wear it for a change to-morrow. This is what one of Gaborian's Detectives would have done, and our Director will bo pleased. Friday.—My disguise saves me from Police interference. Have been chasing a man all day. He is always giving me the slip. To secure his confidence I have dyed my hair green, and my complexion dark bl no, and have closed one eye, after tying up a leg and an arm. Surely this should bring him near me now that a reward has been offered. No. Whenever he sees me coming he runs away! Saturday.—At last, when he was not looking, I crept up to him! I rushed at him! I closed with him! And then came my surprise I In self-defence he arrested me! He is a Detective too! _ We have just heard that a person exactly answering the description of the person wanted is staying at 22, Araminta Villas, East, five minutes walk from where this diary is written. He has paid his bill up to to- day, Saturday, and has told his landlady that he is going to quit Eng- land secretly this evening. He starts at a quarter past eight, and it is now half-past seven. We must really look into all this on Monday. *»* Some person in no way connected with the Police (confound his impudence!) has given information at Scotland Yard, and the man is arrested. This is uncalled-for ofnciousness. Why interfere with the Police when in execution of their duty? It's disgusting. What's the good of being a Detective if we 're not allowed to detect in our own way? Why be in such a hurry? But there it is—a handsome Re- ward (which an oflioial mayn't earn) does all the mischief with the outside publio, and we 're not in it." Returned novel to Director. New Title for Her Gracious Majesty.—The Saturday Reviewer. 24 [July 16, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A NEW HUNTING GAME. "Whin a particularly atrooious murderer has vanished into space owing to the syBtematio urbanity of the polioe, get a fancy por-~ :* of the criminal—the rongher the better—and publish it broadci rtrait cast in Portraits of Persons taken up as losely resembling Lefroy." As the picture will resemble a journal of enormous circulation, many thousands of people in various parts of the country, these victims will be " chevied" for several days until the crime is Bup- planted by a new sensation. GUIDE TO WIMBLEDON CAMP. (For the Use of Country Cousins.) Morninq.—Difficult to get up. Easy enough to get down. Go from Waterloo to Putney by the London and South-Western Rail- way, unless you prefer walking. But of course the best way is to borrow the horse of a friend leaving town (say starting on a yachting cruise), and using him. If you want to make a little money, harness your friend's horse to an omnibus (when everybody's attention is engaged elsewhere), and ply for hire. Half-a-dozen journeys should be easily managed the first day. On the second day you can settle profitably with the knacker. Arrived at Wimbledon you can obtain admittance gratis to the Camp by appearing in the full uniform of a Volunteer. The " full uniform of a Volunteer" mav mean anything from a forage-cap to a cocked-hat and epaulets. If you are wearing knickerbockers, a deer-stalker, an Inverness cape, an umbrella, and a sword-belt, you will be allowed to pass. In this case the sword-belt will represent the " full uniform." If there is the slightest difficulty, claim to be a member of the Press, and hint that you have come down to look into the marking. If this does not cause Captain St. John Mildmay and the Council to tremble in their spursj nothing will. Gnce inside, produce your Army List (with which, of course, you have provided yourself), and prepare for action. Find out the locale of a regimental camp, and carefully examine the names of the officers appearing before the tents. Compare those names with the names in the Army List. Having discovered an absentee, imme- diately ask for him, when the following dialogue will take place :— Officer in Tent [mixing champagne-cup, and arranging sumptuous lunch). No, Tupman does not join until to-morrow. Yourself. Oh, thank you so very much. Ah! I daresay I have made a mistake in the day. Thank you. Oood morning! Officer (seeing you still wandering feebly in his neighbourhood). I say—look here. Can't I do anything for you? Yourself. Oh nOj thank you. Captain Tupman asked me to lunch. Will you kindly direct me to the Refreshment Tent f Officer.—Oh, it's over there—somewhere! (Noticing once more that you are lingering.) But look here, I say (after some slight hesitation), let me represent Tupman. I am just going to have a biscuit and some potted meat myself. Won't you join me? Yourself.—(With alacrity.) Certainly! And there you are, don't you know! By a little ingenuity of this kind, you should get everything you want, and make yourself universally popular. By the way, remember that those gallant Highlanders the MacBbown, the Mac Jones, and the MacRobinson, of the London Scottish, are intensely national, so be careful to say nothing to offend their prejudices. If necessary, recollect that you came across the MaoBrown tartan in the Isle of Skye, and a MacJones piper somewhere near Inverness. When you address the MacRobinson call him " Laird," and you will certainly please him, and if you discover that you all know Snooks, constantly allude to him as " Snooks of that ilk." On the other hand, if you visit the camp of the London Irish, be careful to bear in mind that a gentleman with a brogue, a long upper lip, and a tnste for whiskey is invariably an Englishman, especially when he happens to have been born in Dublin. If you look in on the Inns of Court, you should say, "Why how dul you find time to escape from West- minster?" And if you meet a member of the Honourable Artillery Company, you should politely ask after the Noble Lord "whois good enough" to command the Light Cavalry. Nothing like making yourself agreeable all round! Having established yourself a universal favourite, you may enjoy yourself at your leisure. Walk into the Club Tent as if it belonged to you and read all the papers. Lounge near the band and listen to the music Sleep in anyone's quarters you please. Select the tent which has the most easy chairs, and the best supply of tobacco. Be the friend of all men to all their brother officers. Praise Lieutenant Pokker for his poetry, Captain Tombs for his oheeriness, Major Wagoe for his thorough devotion to business. Everybody will ask you to mess. Pick out the one with the best menu. In returning thanks for the guests, intimate that you may come down to see your hosts every day for a week. This announcement will create the wildest enthusiasm. Finally, having done everything (and every- body), you had better retire through the Camp of the Police, as the safest way of escaping detection. GALLANT COMPANIONS. "The undernamed Companions were introduced, and received from the Queen the decoration of the Order of the Indian Empire, viz., Deputy Inspector General of Hospitals Charles Morbhead, M.D., Deputy Surgeon General Norman Chevers, M.D., Surgeon Major Edward John Waring, Brigade Surgeon Oliver Harnett."—Standard, July 2. The Indian Empire Order may right well the guerdon be, Of gallant men who worked full hard beyond the Eastern sea: And Doctors do stern duty there a thousand dangers sharing. So here's a health to Mobehead, Chevers, Babnett and to Waking. EXCESSIVE HEAT. Last week the heat in London was so intense that several Partnerships were quite dissolved. Very hot at Constantinople just now. Sultan awfully worried by stinging in- sects of all sorts. He has succeeded in crushing a Pasha or two, but probably they are only "scotched, not kilt. Italian, French, and Spanish insects are buzzing about his ears; Bondholder flies are annoying, and the North African Marabouts are peculiarly troublesome. On the whole, the Porte is not having a cheerful time of it just at present. Why not chuck it all up, take a pension guaranteed by the European Powers (who will look after the Bonds), and start a new Hammam in Piccadilly where there's a fine site to be let? With so many Illustrated Papers eager for subjects, every Cricket meeting of any importance is likely to be a "drawn match." "THE CHILDREN'S CRY." Mb. Punch begs to thank the generous British Public for the very hearty and practical response to the appeal ad pockeium made in "The Children's Cry" last week. All donations accompanied by name and address have been acknowledged. The sum will be so divided as to afford some substantial addition, where most needed, to the various funds already subscribed for the Children's Day in the Country, and if ever pounds, shillings, and pence were well spent in giving happiness to others, it will have been on these occasions. "Come, open your purses, turn them out, and let the littlo ones dive down deep In many a pocket to find a 6pell that may silence sorrow or purchase sleep. One feather the less in a bonnet or hat wouldn't ruin the look of the prettiest miss, And many a woman would gladly change a flower or fan for the children's kiss. A little less dinner, my epicure friend, a smaller regalia after lunch, And the difference send to Bouverie Street, post haste directed to Mr. Punch." To CoaBispownairru.—The Editor dote not hold hiiuel/bound to acknowledge, return, or pav/or.Contri'mtions. In no ease can these be returned unless accompanied by a stamped and directed nivtlope. Copies $ho"ld be kept. July 23, 1881.] 25 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ROUND ABOUT TOWN. The Theatre Royal, Back Drawing-Room. ., i , h, I No matter where and when. It is enough that I found it. I had been invited with hundreds of other sufferers to assist at some amateur theatricals. The usual fare on such oocasions was 6et before us. Many of the stars of the unprofessional world were to give their valuable servioes. We were to have the More-than-Middle-Aged Representative of the young maidenhood of do- mestic drama, whose performances are so admirable that she has travelled all over England to exhibit them before our country cousins. The Low Comedian, whose forte lies in imitating the late Mr. Buckstone and the present Mr. Toole so nearly that, if you close your ears and eyes, you can scarcely tell one from the other, was also to appear. The name of the Original of the late Mr. Charles Matthews and Mr. Phelps was included in the cast. This did not prevent (strange to say) his great rival, the Gentleman who has played lovers' parts for nearly half a century, from lending a helping hand. And to show how kind everyone was inclined to be to everyone else, the well-known veteran militaire, who is so extremely mirth-provoking when he attempts to represent the " busi- ness" of Mr. Tebkt, had promised to appear in a burlesque. Perhaps the most interesting part of the entertainment was the audience. The Lady who had not been able to play (because a dear friend of hers had been invited to take the part which she has so completely made her own that she can play no other), was well to the fore. She had a great deal to say about her dear friend. She was never tired of praising her amiability and excellent heart. She was even tolerant of her little faults. If the dear friend did leave her children alone for weeks together, while she attended rehearsals, whose business was it to comment upon the proceeding? Certainly no one, save her husband, who (dear, easy man!) seemed to get on very well without her! And if he was satisfied, surely everyone else might be contented? As to the dear friend's reading of her part, the Lady was contemptuously silent. It would have been quite too absurd to have discussed such a matter! Then there was the poor unlucky father of daughters who had been "out" so long a time that they never seemed likely to go in again! He was a good-natured old Gentleman, who bravely converted nis yawns into a kind of spasmodic smile. Then there was the popular Amateur Author, whose piece would no doubt some day be pro- duced at a West End Theatre: for did he not know Irving, and Bancroft, and Bare, and had they not heard his work several years ago, and liked it very much indeed ?—who gave more attention to the play than the players. Over and over again he informed his neighbours that the dramatic writers of yesterday and to-day wrote sad trash. However, there was a brilliant to- morrow in store, when his comedy would take the world by storm, and make the fortune of the Manager lucky enough to secure the right of its production. So he was, on the whole, contented, and smiled occasionally to himself, as he considered the great share he was evidently destined to take in the much- needed regeneration of the British Drama. And there were the usual number of evening loungers and professional diners and supperers-out. Altogether a very goodly company. At last the curtain rose, hut I am sorry to say that I have a very faint idea of what the piece was about. This, no doubt, was my fault, as I am sure the prompter s voice was unusually distinct. Certainly on one occasion that all-important official deputed his duties to an amateur, when disaster was the immediate consequence. But even this afforded amusement, for in his despair to find the right place, at the urgent entreaty of the performer "fishing for a word," the well-mean- ing person emerged from the wing, and gave an ad- mirable illustration of "anxiety combined with incompetency." I suppose the play must have dealt with the manners and customs of some period prior to the Nineteenth Century, as I imagine most of the com- pany appeared in fancy costumes. The Ladies seemed to be at home in their dresses, but the Gentlemen appeared to be weighed down with the well grounded conviction that they were looking extremely foolish. _ And so thev did, poor people! as they tumbled over their swords, and did not know what to do with those superfluous, not to say those obtrusive appendages—their hands! Of course, there were brilliant exceptions. The life-like Imitator of the late Mr. Buckstone, and the present Mr. Toole, was very confident. He pretended to catch flies when the villain of the piece in a nervous whisper was sen- tencing the aged lover to death, and was enormously funny with a telescope when the same aged lover was bidding, with rather a "plummy" voice, the More-than- Middle-Aged Heroine " good-bye for ever!" Then the Original of Mr. Charles Matthews and Mr. Phelps showed how badly those lamented histrions had managed to imitate him. Still, in spite of their failure, he was full of self-possession, and clearly proved that the stage upon which he was then performing was exftotly seven sizes too small for him! Then, if a fair representative of a beggar girl was a little indistinct in her utterance, she gave clear evidence of her complete comprehension of the character she was assuming, by wearing every stone of her mother's family diamonds! Lastly, if the daughter of the house in the concluding French proverbe, pronounced the foreign language in which she spoke with a slight accent more suggestive of Brompton than the Bois de Boulogne, the fault lay rather with the Gallio tongue than with herself! Because, after all, had our lively neighbours been wise, they would have simplified mat- ters by keeping to English! But all in all the perform- ance was most successful. Evervone expressed huge delight at the pleasure the play had given. One enthu- siastic old Gentleman (who it appeared afterwards was deaf) was so pleased with the efforts of the performers, that he applauded a very nervous person in the cos- tume of George the Second so heartily, that for the moment the actor was dumb with confusion, and seemed to be wandering about in search of a revivifying "hiss" to set him to-rights! And at length-the best feature of the programme was kept for the last—it tame to an end! TIPS ON TENNIS. (Wimbledon, July, 1881. Benshaw v. Hartley.) Tip for the Thirsty.—" Renshaw's Smash" is not a new summer drink, like Lemon Squash. Hint for Reporters.—the Times says Mr. Renshaw was served by his great natural ability. Not at all; he was served by Mr. Hartley, to the extent of hit great natural ability. New Reading for Proverbial Philosophers.—The cou • e of a true Love game never does run smooth—for iho loser. VOL. LXXXI. 26 [July 23, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. I, -1 I (' ;. 9] Cn Oi, ;ulse of "»»." and rose of flame." Moreover, a great many of the titles are in Latin, which show conclusively what a cultivated person our poet is ~n L $f 6nd 0t lhe >ok' .he P°»tively *&* into Greef, which V~Lw t!le„sain,e ^ect on the multitude as "that blessed word Mesopotamia" had upon the old woman, in the sermon. „„7in;fU^1Ce °AUr- WlM,E' T T11 give a potation from his poems, 2u t refder can make head or tail of it, all we can say is he ought to make a fortune at guessing double acrostics. This is all one sentence, as will be seen from the punctuation: and we print it like prose to save space, and with the hope of making it a little easier of comprehension:— 8 livn °J"?k? the L°dy and tho SPirit one ™th M "gnt things, till no thine and Erlbof n,Xn £ T^ b„ut ? 8WCet unison wiih every pulse of H nnfJ J„; » , • • ■ vS,0Ui ln- flawle8a eesenco mSh enthroned, against all of thiZ »^Ck VTS'bly JW?' mark with 6erene impartiality the strife SJ££S ' ? . } ' b° comf.ort*<1. knowing that by the chain causality all hoCnra?-!6 T? "" 7^° °ne 8upreme "hole, whose utterance is joy or tllJi I l V 6>Ureuyihls w-ere governance of Life in most august omni- presence, through which the rational intellect would find in passion its Vx- pression, and mere sense, ignoble else, lend fire to the mind, and being joined Z L?r„^7h0-ym0re,mySt,cal than th"t which binds the stars planetary, t",™ma< £ SeVt",1..t??e8 ?™.oct*v° ehord whose cadence being measure! w thTts Jl ir?gh all,the cu-cllng spheres, then to its Lord return refreshed with its new enpcry and more exultant power,-this indeed could we but reach it were to find the last, the perfect creed." rt,!F£is aS w -t joke' not a Bham quotation made to throw scorn on «.iuJm?'£ut ll ls- T,?*^ ^Production of four stanzas of a poem (!) l?Jihi If"l"amt?d" Ihere are other compositions equally unintel- ligible and there is a most objectionable one which ought to have been omitted altogether, lo sum up: these outpourings of our testhetic bard must bo pronounced poor and pretentious stuff. Mr. Wilde tells us that— „ „ , „ . -._.,... We shall be 1 art of the mighty universal whole, And through all (eons mix and mingle with the Kosmic Soul." Pending that eminently undesirable arrangement, however, time maybe more profitably employed than in reading these warblings. Ihe Jtosmic Soul "—which sounds like the name of either a music- hall singer or a cooling drink—and the rest of these effusions, will no doubt be pronounced by the Poet's admirers to be Utter—to which we are afraid that the disgusted Philistine will add the expressive monosyllable—Bosh! July 23, 1881.] 27 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. "POLY." {A New Ballad of the Fleet, sung by a British Tar a propos of the "Polyphemus.") "Air—Polly." Do you want to know the ugliest craft That ever put from port r "Well that's the Poly, the steel ram'd Poly, And she's a rare rum sort. Open your peepers and look my lad9, She s lobbing: agen the quay, The sootiest craft afore and abaft That ever shamed the sea. Afloat, afloat, d'ye call her a boat? Black deck, no white sails furled! Poly, grim Poly, Tame as " loblolly" The ugliest craft in the world! Do you want to know the latest thing To make a true tar dull? "Well, that's the Poly, this precious Poly, And darn her dirty hull! Come, you '11 see the horror a lyin' there, Like a porpoise heavy with grog; lier sides full of rivets, her turret of guns, Her hull like a lifeless log. Afloat, afloat, like a leaky boat, Low down, no sail unfurled; Poly, grim Poly, Our nautical folly, The ugliest craft in the world I Do you want a toast to-night, my lads, Afore we says good-bye r Well, here's short life to the lumbering Poly, And blarm her hulk, says I. Fill your grog-glasses high, my lads, Drink in sepulchral tones: "May a storm soon send this confounded Poly To supper with Davy Jones." Afloat, afloat, is she worth a groat, When the waves in heaps are hurled? Poly, black Poly, Fraud melancholy, The ugliest craft in the world! SUNDAY STAGNATION. The petitions in favour of Sunday closing of taverns have been so numerous, as to astonish and impress the Legislature, at least, so we are told by the friends of wholesale restriction. There are some bodies that are very easily astonished and impressed, and probably a Legislature that does everything but legislate is one of these. The Little Mcddlingtons throughout the country, probably boasting a Member to every two or three hundred voters, have as much power of impressing and astonishing the weak, as great struggling cities which do all the work and pay all the taxes, and are only allowed a Member to three or four thousand voters. There is a certain kind, of intellectual activity, found mostly in large towns, which is not content merely to pay taxes and go to bed, and to have one seventh of its life destroyed by Act of Parliament. A Chance. The Pkesidekt of the French Republic has decorated M. Michel Pebrin, the Director of the Theatre Fran^ais. "We have no exact equivalent for this honour, but the Manager of our National Theatre (which we believe is called Drury Lane) might be permitted to appear at Court wearing any of his own Orders, with the legend, "Not ad- mitted after seven. Evening dress indispensable." This would be a delicate compliment to the enterprising Herr Harris, in whose Augustan era the Meiningens produced Julius Casar, One foe J. E. Holland, D.C.L.—A well-informed person suffering from dyspepsia, ordered The Digest of Justinian under the impression that it must contain some valuable cure^for his complaint. "Jus- tinian's Digest J" exclaimed a Scotch friend on hearing of it: "I '11 have a bottle of it, for it's just inions I 'm suiferin' fra' myser 1" 28 [July 23, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Dawson defying the Saxon. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. Monday, July 11.—Hope Mr. Dawson, -when he becomes Lord Mayor of Dublin, won't be too much ocoupied to look in here sometimes. Irish humour too rare a quality in the present repre- sentation to see without regret withdrawal of its richest mine. Since the Major retired to look after his estate, no Member for Ireland approaches Mr. Dawson. His is the rich rare humour which is wholly unconscious. When amid the thunderous cheers and up- roarious laughter of the House he, a few weeks ago, announced— a propus des bottes— that if any man would lay a hand on Mrs. Dawson he must step over his dead body, he had not the slightest notion that he was saying anything funny, or uttering anything but a noble sentiment that would recommend him to the House, and warn loose men off the domestic premises. Mr. Gladston ■ had recently cried, "Hands off, Aus- tria!" and no one had laughed. Why should Hon. Members literally kick their heels withecstasy of laughter when Mr. Dawson, drama- tically flashing a rolled-up copy of the Orders, cried, "Hands off Mrs. Dawson "? Can't expect every week to hear anything so good as that. But Mr. Dawson excellent to-night. The shadow of the coming oivic mantle rests upon him. He feels its majestio folds upon his person, and strikes attitudes suitable. As "a Member of the Municipal Cor- poration of the Metropolis of Ireland," he stands forth and protests against the insult passed upon civio dignity by the arrest of a Councillor at Cork. If I could move Europe to hear me!" says Mr. Dawson, standing with folded arms and frowning brow, musing not without anger on the immobility of a Continent. He cannot move Europe. But he swiftly moves the House of Commons to inextin- guishable laughter, which breaks forth again when, in a dramatic narrative impressively beginning, "I saw a man driving a horse," he eloquently denounces "the police sniffing the breeze to see if there is any treason." We cannot spare Mr. Dawson to Dublin. Why don't they make Mr. Hevly Lord Mayor, or T. P. O'Connob, or Daly of The Voice? In quite another style Mr. Richabdson emitted a great flash of humour. By way of showing their anxiety to get the Land Bill passed, and the condition of the tenant - farmer improved, Irish Members for two hours abused Mr. Fobbteb. Mr. Richaedson, defending him, complained that in Ireland they had u associated the Right Hon. Gentleman's name with ammunition." That is perhaps the most delicate periphrase ever heard in the House, Business done.—None. Tuesday.—Lord Lymington be- gins to wish he had never been to Manitoba. This question of emi- gration suggested to him an op- portunity of delivering a few fragments of a lecture, (originally addressed to admiring constituents at Barnstaple) on the advantages ot emigration to Canada. They hardly fitted in with the course of debate, and had most remarkable effect upon The O'Kelly. The 0 ItfcXLY has a store of articulate language arranged somewhere in the neighbourhood of his boots. It is more like gunpowder than the Eng- lish language, and is accustomed to go off at the slightest notice, and upon unexpected occasions. Lord Limingxon, when he rose, had not the remotest thought of The O'Kelly, nor The O'Kelly of what was going to happen to him. But scarcely had the noble Lord mincingly pronounced the word "Manitoba," than The O'Kelly went off with a great explosion. Springing to his feet, a succession ot loud reports was heard. The Chairman preserving presence of mind amid the general alarm, asked what he wanted. 'I want information," roared The O'Kelly. Mr. Playfaib suggested this was not the time to have it. The M What might have been. 'ippy 'Arcourt. O'Kelly dragged down. Presently Lord Lyminoton mentioned Manitoba again. Fresh explosion below the Gangway. "Just like a letter padlock," says Major Nolan, who, being up in this sort of thing, was watching the experiment with great interest. 'You bring a letter into position, and the padlock opens. Lymington savs 'Manitoba,' and off goes O'Kelly.'' Interesting to watch Lord Lymington manoeuvring when he discovered the secret of his strange influence over the Member for Roscommon. Whenever he came near the necessity of mentioning Manitoba, he approached it by a circuitous route, referring to it as "this fine province," "this rich province," "this province described by Lord Duffekin," and so on. There were slight vibrations in the O'Kelly torpedo at these allusions, but nothing more, and the curious scene ended without anything bursting. Business done.—2ith Clause passed. Wednesday.—Evidently no use trying to deceive Mr. Biggae. Sees the designs of the Government at a glance, and speaking, as he says, "with some plainness," does not hesitate to disclose them. The whole gist of the Land Bill is in the Emigration Clause. Govern- ment mean to solve the Irish difficulty by getting rid of the Irish people. Thus Mr. Bjui.au, with his thumb in the armhole of his waistcoat. "A good deal in it," savs Sir William Hajrcouet, meditatively stroking his ohin. "A judicious scheme of compulsory emigration would lift the load that weighs down Ireland and makes her perennially unhappy. We might begin with Mr. Biggae. Then Mr. Healy might carry his great abilities to a con- tinent more proportionately suited to their display. I should think even the Irish Members would be glad to get rid of T. P. O'Connob. Then there 's the lazy, shuffling lot who howl sedition and cry for blood around public platforms in Ireland, instead of being in field or shop earning their living. If these were weeded out, Ireland would speedily be another country." "Yes," said Sir Chakles Dilke, who was one of the group of three, "and it would get us at the F. 0. over this difficulty about Free-Trade and Protection. If what is called a retaliatory policy were to take the shape of exporting a few score Healys and Biggaks to France or the United States, we should soon bring them to terms." Gladstone disclaims Mr. Biggae's interpretation of emigration clause; but it's evident there's something in it. Business done.—None. Thursday Night—the King of the Sandwich Islands looked in to- night. Made up his mind suddenly, whilst toying with his evening meal. Has now been absent from his native soil for some months. There came over his savage breast a strange yearning for home and home scenes. Sick of civilisation, he sighed for some of those scenes of savage manner among which he had been bred. Having heard of what Mr. Jesse Collings calls the "goings on" of the Irish Mem- bers, a happy thought struck him. "My island home is far off," he said. "I will go to the House of Commons." Dilke tells me as soon as he arrived he asked for me. "That Gentleman in the horse-hair wig," said Sir Charles, who was showing him round and standing cigars, "is the Speaxee; and that's Gladstone in the summer suit; and that's" "Yes, yes," said Kalakaua; "but where 's Toby?" Didn't at first like this urgency. It looked suspicious. But Dilke told me the King had never cared for dog in that way, and besides, he had dined. So went up to the gallery, and had a long chat. "Where's the Major P" the King asked, in his monosyllabio manner. "He's gone away," I said. "Cut up?" said the King. "Ah! I 've heard he was nice and fat." Majesty s lips evidently watering. In the interests of Ireland drew his special attention to Mr. Healy, T. O'Connoe, and Biggae. Thought I would yet do Ireland a good turn Bhould Dublin selfishly insist upon having only one Lord Mayor, and the emigration scheme fail. But the King turned up his nose. Mr. Leahy was the only Lrish Member he cast a lingering eye upon. Also T. B. Potteb, seated on the opposite benches, his white waistcoat glistening in the gaslight like the mainsail of an old East Indiaman, attracted his favourable attention. Didn't stay very long • but left a little refreshed, after seeing and hearing Mr. Callan. Inhospitable I know; but truly grateful to July 23, 1881.] 29 PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI. get his Majesty away before, an hour later, T. P. O'Con- kok woke up Mr. Gladstone. King would probably not have understood the Premier's magnificent denun- ciation, and would have' thought that T. P. was an average specimen of an Irish Member. Business done.—Sat all night carrying 26th Clause of Land Bill. Friday.—Mr. MacIvek going to settle matters for us. This day four weeks he will call attention to the state of public business, and will show that its lamentable con- dition is due to the action of a Government that stands by the antiquated principle of Free Trade. Thoughtless Members laugh, heedlessly thinking that this day four weeks the state of public business will be of less conse- quence than the state of the tide. Mr. MacIvek smiles pleasantly through his glasses mpon the hilarious assembly. But he is quite in earnest. Business arrangements must be readjusted. Then, and not till then, will he and Mr. AsHMEad Baetlett consent to take the reins of office from the trembling grasp of on impotent and imbecile Administration. In the meantime we have galloped through 14 Clauses of the Land Bill, which makes a fair average with yesterday. MAUNDERINGS AT MARLOW. (By Our Own ^/Esthetic Bard.) The lilies are languid, the aspens quiver, The Sun-God shooteth his shafts of light, The ripples are wroth with the restless river; And O for the wash of the weir at night.' The soul of the poet within him blenches. At thought ot plunge in the water bright, To witness the loves of the tender tenches: And O for the wash of the weir at night! The throstle is wooing within the thicket, The fair frog fainteth in love's affright; The maiden is waiting to ope the wicket; And O for the wash of the weir at night! The bargeman he knoweth where Marlow Bridge is, To pies of puppy he doth invite; The cow chews the cud on the pasture ridges; And 0 for the wash of the weir at night .' So far from the roar of the seething city, The poet reposes much too quite, He trills to the Thames in a dainty ditty; And O for the wash of the weir at night.' "THREE BOB AND A KICK." Tee meaning of this mysterious slang expression has at length been made tolerably clear. It comes from Oldham (pronounced "Oud'am") in Lancashire, where the Magistrates have arranged something like a definite tariff of charges for the fa- vourite assault of the county. A kick, running or otherwise, can be had for three shillings (pronounced "bob"), but in case of excessive damage, to the person the charges are higher. An active ruffian the other day had to pay fifty shillings for kicking out four of an oppo- nent's teeth: not that the Magistrate tjtr set much value upon teeth, as teeth, but because the assault was considered "murderous." Probably if he had maimed his oppo- nent's feet, and so decreased the county power of Kicking, his fine would have been much heavier. At the Trial of the Pyx. Smith (airing his Lempriere classics). Money, my boy, is the modern Pactolus. Its source Brown [hastily). Reminds one of early lamb, doesn't itP Smith (staggered). Early lamb! Why? Brown (chuckling). Because it is Mint-source, to be •we. [.Departs satisfied at having shut up that pedantic idiot Smith for once. ROUNDING ON HIM." Grumbling Hansom Cabby (to little Wagslaffe, who has overpaid him for a three- mile-and-a-bitjourney). "Rather a lono Half-ceown, ain't it?" Wagitaffe (innocently). "Lono? Oh deak no. Quite bound!" [Exit, chuckling. FREE AND EASY TRADE DEFINITIONS. Reciprocity.—A system under which the millions of consumers in two countries get the best of everything produced in each country at the lowest possible price. Free-Trade.—A system which tries to promote reciprocity, but which declines to tax one body of consumers because the others are foolish or obstinate, and leaves producers—a small and active class—to do what they are quite capable of doing—take care of themselves. Retaliation.—A determination to pay through the nose for what you want, because your neighbour sets the example. Coast- Guard Stations.—Castles of Indolence in which able-bodied Seamen continually waste their time by looking through telescopes at imaginary rum and tobacco. Custom-Houses.—Places where officers are kept in costly idleness to rummage the dirty linen of sea-sick travellers. The Race for Water. "To cool the lips of Liverpool," and fill her tubs and P*ils. Great valleys, so the Times remarks, will be blocked up in Wales; And Manchester to Thirlmere goes. How is it then we find That in the race for water London only lags behind? Harcourt's Own at Windsor. The reports of the Volunteer Review at Windsor have not done justioe to one important corps—the seven or eight hundred police who were sent down by the Selaom-at-Home Secretary. '' Habcockt's Own" distinguished themselves, as they always do in dealing with crowds, and if they cost about eight or nine shillings a man, while the Volunteers cost a shilling, the Seldom-at-Home Secretary has undertaken that the Ratepayers shall not grumble. In all future toasts of a patriotic character, the Police should be coupled with the Army, the Navy, and the Volunteers. ^^ .-.. — ~. ---■J..-- J-- _■-■•--,- 30 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [July 23, 1881, "PONSONBY DE TOMKYNS BEGINS TO ASSERT HIMSELF. P. de T. (uho has had a little too much—Mask). "Look herr, M'ria! Blest if I can stand that Foreign Rowdy of yours ANY LONGER! HE '8 ALWAY8 PITCHING INTO ENGLAND, BY GEORGE, WHERE HE MAKES ALL HIS MONEY! He YaWNS AND Whistles, and Picks his Teeth, and looks at iiimsele in the Glass when Ladies are talking to him. Doesn't care wbat he says before Ladies! Look at 'em all fanning him, and licking nis Boots! Makes me sick '! Half a mind to kick HIM DOWN-STAIRS!!!" Mrs. P. de T. "No, no! Hush, Love! He 's a Qexws! He plays the Flageolet better than any Man litikqI The Princesses would never have been here to-niuht, bct for hut.'/—and kemejibkk, Ponsonby, ns Plays to vs fob KotbikoI 11" THE BILLINGSGATE FISH SUPPLY INQUIRY. This Guildhall Committee seem to be pushing their pertinent, or, as some of the Witnesses seem to think, their impertinent inquiries right home, and the evidence, when published, will be as instructive as amusing. Mr. Punch purposes giving occasionally a few sam- ples, leaving the bulk of the evidence for his bulkier and heavier contemporaries. The following extracts are verbatim:— "I have often and often had 5rf. per pound sent me for my Soles, when the Fishmongers were ohargiug 1*. 6d. "I once sent Four Trunks of Turbota to London, and they returned me 2\d. per pound for them, I telegraphed for them to be Bent back, and the reply was that the Market had risen to Itl.!" "We often throw away forty to one hundred Tons of Fish that we cannot ■ell at Billingsgate, for want of accommodation." "I have tried to see my fish sold, but they are too sharp in Billingsgate for me; there is too much confusion and bustle, and we cannot get in, let alone seeing our fish Bold." "' The Trade' at Billingsgate object to be burdened with too great a supply!" There are two other matters that it would be difficult to give as extracts, but which our own Special submits as deductions from a large amount of conflicting and confusing evidence. No. 1 is not by any means specially applicable to Salmon; but it seems only natural that the "king of fish should receive the first consideration. The division of the Bpoil enumerated below is somewhat arbitrary, but the fact that what costs nothing to produce as an article of food ultimately costs the consumer 40*., admits of no doubt. I.—The Unnatural History of a Salmon, weighing, say, IQlbs., from the River to the Kitchen:— No. 1, the Catcher, takes him out of the river, and is paid £ s. d. by the Fish Lessee, say 0 0 6 £ s. d. 0 10 0 1 0 0 1 5 0 1 10 0 2 0 0 No. 2 puts him in a box, and sells him to No. 3, the Sender, for about No. 3 sends him to London, pays Is. railway carriage and other charges, and sells him to No. 4, the Salesman, for about No. 4 sells him to No. 5, the Bommaree, for about No. 5 sells him to No. 6, the Fishmonger, ,, No. 6 sells him to the Consumer ,, . . And the Consumer is sold as well as the Fish. II.—Conger Eels are caught on the Irish coast. The people will not eat them, so they are iced, and sent to London. A fearful whisper went round the room as to their ultimate destination! When it reached the ears of the two Aldermen present, they were seen to turn pale, and one of them presently left. It is to be feared that what follows will be terrible news to the Lord Mayor and bis Corporation, but the truth must out, be the internal consequences what they may. Read, then, O Masters and Wardens, Aldermen, Sheriffs, and Common Councilmen, and tremble while you read '.—, The awful-looking Object that the poor hungry Irishman disdains to eat, is, when the demand for your especial Luxury is great, and the supply small, MANUFACTURED INTO REAL TURTLE SOUP! ChampionomaSTa.—According to the Irish Agricultural Statistics just published, the Champion Potato is flourishing everywhere. "Champions" of every imaginable sort are—in a sense-^'*nourish- ing" everywhere just now, but many of them, in spite of their "flourishing," seem to be " very Bmall potatoes" indeed. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—July 23, 1881. HAMLET AT BILLINGSGATE. Fish Salbsman {indignantly). "DO1 YOU KNOW ME, MY LORD?" Hamlet. ." EXCELLENT WELL! YOU ARE A FISHMONGER!" Fish Salesman. "NOT I, MY LORD." Hamlet. "THEN I WOULD YOU WERE SO HONEST A MAN!!" July 23, 1881.] 33 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. '•*>' / i 7' V J ^ P/i Mamma (to Mabel, who has expressed a desire to see the boundary of Sussex and Surrey). "Now, Mabel, you are in Sussex." Mabel {disappointed). "It is sot PixkI" [Expecting to find it coloured like the County Map. = BOWLED, SIR! (At Lord's—Gentlemen v. Players.) Gusher. Ha 1 our bold Cricketers Cynic. Yes, but I '11 trouble you To spell it in this instance with a " w." A bit too bowled, I think. Gusher. Pray put your scorn by. Cynic. "Bowled Bablow, 1," must dash your dashing Hornby. Gusher. "The power of Geace" Cynic. "Well quoted. All the same I '11 cap it with "the magic of an aim, Peate's, namely, at his wicket. Gusher. Peate it killing. A Peate fire of such balls, backed up by Pilling, Might try the Polyphemus. Cynic. Just so. Steel Seems not quite shot-proof. Gusher. _ Ultett does not feel Inclined to slog sharp sixes and swift sevens. Thanks to that Oxford A. H. Cynic. A. II.! Good Evans! Gusher. The Gentlemen have won, though, after all. Cynic. Well, in the mighty contest, Bat v. Ball, Ball Bcores to-day all round. Gusher. And in such weather! Cynic. You see there's nothing, after all, like leather! The Intense Heat. The Comet did it. It has left us all in a comet-ose state. Now 'g the time to cultivate shady society. While sipping an American drink I dimly see some joke about a cobbler and the last—but this is not my last cobbler by any means. ... It's the last straw that breaks . . . if it does, then take the cobbler without it. More light, more light—drink, iced, well iced. King Pommery for ever! No more from me. Youh Exhausted Contrtbutoh. A CHIAROSCURO COMPANY. Seldom, if ever, has any living writer had paid him the compli- ment implied in the proposal announced in this information:— "A Browning Society is about to be started for the study and discussion of the works of the poet Bhownino, and the publication of Essays on them and extracts from works illustrating them. Students and admirers of Mr. ISuuw.s iMi who are disposed to join such a Society, are requested to write to Mr. Furmivall, 3, St. George's Square, Primrose Hill, N.W." Besides writing to Mr. Furnivall, a student and admirer of Mr. Browning, desirous of thoroughly understanding Mr. Browning's works, wherein are some things not very easy to understand, might perhaps also write to Mr. Brownino himself, and beg explanations, unless afraid that such a request would be rather too great a liberty to take with an illustrious poet. Could JEschylus, or any other ancient Greek dramatist, or bard, be bodily got at, and could scholars consult the original personally about the construction, say, of a orabbed passage in a choral ode, would they prefer conjectural discussion to appeal by post? But there, to be sure, JSschylus even, if he could be asked, would perhaps confess himself in some places unable exactly to understand his own meaning—as one of our own poets owned that he seldom could when he would be very fine. So said Bteon — what says the other B.? A Browning Sooiety had far better go and enjoy itself at the sea-side—plenty of Browning there. Thursday, July 21.—Royal visit of their Royal Highnesses the Prince and Princess of Wales to Queen Brighton. Their Royal Highnesses will be received at the Terminus by the two Representa- tive Piers. Brill's Baths will be illuminated brilliantly. Their Royal Highnesses will examine the Bathing Machinery of the town. Further particulars in our next. A Fruitful Session !—When it dies full of age, but empty of honour, hated by most people and respected by none, they may write this over its obscure grave, by the kind permission of the Irish Members—" It reformed receipt stamps." 36 [July 23, 1881 PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE G. G. G„ OR GROSVENOR GALLERY GUIDE. No. 133. Europa; or, "Bully for You." By Walter Crane. No. 135. Gay, Daughter of Sir A. B. Paget, K.C.B. By Mrs. A. Murch. We like it murch. No. 143. Budley Water. Same Artist. Sorely a misprint for Puddley Water. No. 157. Within and Without By Miss Amt Hughes. A com- fortable interior, and an uncomfortable exterior; or Warm Within and " Cold Without." No. 159. The Roman Acrobat. By J. R. Weguelin. Give her enough rope and hang her—in the G. G. No. 165. The Adversary. A small dark picture by Sir N. PatoW, R.S.A. Everyone remembers the old rhyme about the " Missionary," here 'a another on the same plan suggested by the picture— Once I saw a Cassowary Tip-top swell of Timbuctoo, Till he saw an adversary, ill in Ban .'ii .i ■ I i ' i pn i v , Who was quite a trim buck to*. No. 175. Cockle- Gatherers, J. Parker. Of course an adver- tisement pioture for the celebrated patent medioine which Colonel Burnaby tried so successfully on the Native Chief during his Bide to Khiva. Observe the action of the Cockle-lorums gathering for Pil- Iingsgate Market, No. 175. Cockle Gatherers. J. Parker. Dedicated to Dr. Cockle and Colonel Fred. Burnaby. Mr. Pabxer had better not be proposed for any Club where the medical element is powerful, or he is safe to be "pilled." No. 192. Breezy England. P. R. Morris, A.R.A. It represents a rider trying to manage two horses on a blowy wet day. He should have called it Horses and Rains. No. 197. Halcyon Dale by Murmuring Stream. J.' W. Buxton Knight. Lovely country, and a nice young lady. What on earth has the stream got to murmur about? No. 200. The Finding of Moses. Mrs. Kate Gardiner Hastings. In- tended for a Law Court Cartoon. The Finding of Moses would be a com- panion to The Judgment of Daniel. Moses seems to have been knocked into a cocked hat. Moses was a great law- giver, and yet there is only one "find- ing of Moses " left on record. No. 222. A Portrait Bust in Terra Cotta. Did it! All we can say is that "after the explosion" Miss Montalba has very cleverly put the pieces to- gether, and the result is admirable. No. 200. Finding of Moses in a Cocked Hat. An In- fant Moses without any 'Air-on. Mrs. Kate Gar- diner Hastings. How well the Artist would do a portrait of Miss Ellen Terr* in Terry-Cotta. This bust is really life-like, and among the very best thingB in the Gallery. Such busts ought to make a great noise in the artistic world. No. 238. "Mittagsschlaf- chen." By Arthur Hughes. Are there hues? Rather. "Thereby hangs a tail." Which our Artist has caught. No. 257. Quit*, a Little Holiday. SHOT OFF. Dr Cabver challenged anyone to shoot him for £500 a side. Says Mr. Archie Stuart Wortlet, "Taken! Dr. Carver," curtly. And then the amateur, dis- tinguished in portrait paint- ing and burlesque dancing, offered to make the stakes a thousand. Stakes are high this weather. But Dr. Carver found he had an important engagement on the Continong, and instead of staying to be shot, Carver cut. Let us hope he will "come again" with Christ- mas; or, perhaps, as he's a shooting star, he may return with the Comet. Shooting off a Tie. A BIBULOUS COMET. Here is some news that will be very distressing to Sir Wilfrid Lawson. We know that the Comet, to judge from his appearance, is a rollicking blade who only comes out at nights, and like all his friends he is of very roving, not to say irregular habits. But who would have thought that he was addicted to habits of intemperance! Such is the case, however, as we gather from the report of a French astronomer, M. Thollon, whose investigations are communicated to Nature. He sayB " The spectrum of bands furnished by the Comet, so resembles that given by the blue spirit flame, that I consider them identical." Blue spirit! The Comet is evidently addicted to "blue ruin," for his spectrum is that of alcohol. After this, no respectable person will be able to take the slightest interest in our visitor. KING KALAKAUA. He 'g really a most intelligent wight, Who's looked on many a wonderful sight, And travelled by day, and eke by night, O'er rivers and seas and dry lands; But wrongly, it seems, his name we say, And print it too in a horrible way. He ought to be called King Kalakaua, This King of the Sandwich Islands. Change for a Sovereign. "Travel where you will throughout the civilised world," remarks a Times1 writer on the Trial of the Pyx, "the British sovereign is always recognised and willingly received whenever ten- dered." Quite true even in the Transvaal, although there they call the Sovereign a Suzerain. Sandwich and Stout. Dialogue at Derby. "Cheese and Butter are natural foes."—Times. Cheese. Bosh! you 're a fraud, a failure—vile and utter. Butter. You rank impostor! Prove it, if you please. Cheese. You 're tallow, caul-fat, everything but butter. Butter. And you decidedly are "not the cheese." No. 238. "Mettagsscldafchen;" or, the Last of the Pigtails. Arthur Hughes. Musical.—The Parepa-Rosa Gold Medal at the Royal Academy of Music was awarded to the best of four candidates, Benjamin Davtes. A great deal of P'reparation was necessary. "THE CHILDREN'S CRY!" Mr. Punch announces with the greatest possible pleasure that the contributions to this fund for assisting poor children everywhere in London, to an " outing," amount at the time of writing (July 16) to close upon one hundred and thirty pounds. Contributions of pence, of shillings, and of pounds go to make up this gratifying total, and all have been accompanied by the kindest, most generous, and most touching expressions of real interest in this good work. Mr. Punch begins his distribution with the very poorest and the most necessi- tous. Immediate attention is paid to every appeal as soon as made; and each contribution, when the address is given, is promptly acknowledged. Even the heat of the weather is not greater than the generous warm-heartedness of Mr. Punch's contributors; and for years there have not been better contributions to Punch than these occasional notes" for the benefit of our poor London-smoked, London-choked school children. OF To CnBEXRroiTDf «x» — Tht Sditor dot* not \otd M-nssif bound to ark'noie'.edoe. return, or pavfor Contributions. ttnmped ami direct*! envelope. Copie* thou Id tie icpl. In n» com ran Uuse it rttwrntd unless accompanied »» • July 30, 1881.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. FOR THE HOT-HEADED. Dk. D. G. F. Macdonald writes:—" If men -would place ferns, or cabbage leaves, in the crown of their hats, or plait rushes, vetches, or green herbaceous substance of some kind around their headgear, there would be fewer cases of sun-stroke. This preventive is within the reach of the poorest peasant, for it costs nothing." Japanese Fan-cy l)rc«s. The Watering-rot Hat. The Refrigerator Costume. In-fern-ally Lot! The Borage, or Insider- Cup Hat. Mr. Leafy. A LAST WORD ABOUT EVANS'S. Evans's has been gradually disappearing, now it has gone. So too, alas! have vanished the days of our boyhood when, on the even- ings of the Public School Matches, we in Eton jackets visited Paddy Green, and were treated to potatoes in their jackets too, which latter were not eaten. Talking of the skins reminds us of the celebrated Skinner, model of head-waiters, standing at the door in his shirt- sleeves, and conducting a strict and searching inquiry in the following style :— "What have you had, Sir?" "A chop and potatoes," replied the guest. "Chop and potatoes, two-and-three. Any stout?" "Yes," the guest would reluctantly admit, " I had a glass or two of stout." "Two stouts is eight, chop and potatoes three-and-two, and eight is four-and-four, said Skinner with the rapidity of a calculating boy. "Any liquors—brandy, whiskey?" Here the guest would hesitate, and then it occurred, to him that he had had two glasses of whiskey. "And water?" demanded Skinner, severely, as if it were no good attempting to deceive him. "Yes, and water," replied the guest, quite alarmed at his questioner's intimate knowledge of his doings. Skinner went ahead faster than ever. "Chop and potatoes, four- and-three; two stents—eight, five-and-four; two whiskies-and- water, that's eight-and-four; and,"—as an after-thought,—" any Dread?" "No, the victim would reply, triumphantly, as though he had him there, and he was wrong for once. "No, no bread." "No bread," echoed Shutter. "That's nine-and-two exactly. Half-a-sovereign? Thank you, Sir; much obliged. Good night. Sir," and the guest was pushed forward by the eager crowd of customers waiting to settle with the indefatigable Mr. Skinner. Funny place in old times was Evans's; the supper was good of its kind, the comic singing was not the best of its kind; but the real harmonies of the evening, "The Hardy Norseman" "The Chough and Croto," "My Gabrielle" sung by the choristers, men and boys, were most enjoyable. When Eve was allowed to enter that Paradise, there was an end of the little Evans's below. A French Eviction. "It is supposed that Don Carlos was ordered to quit France in consequence of his attitude at a religious ceremony on St. Henri's day." What was his attitude? Probably agenouilie, but not to be tolerated by a Republican Government, which, were it strong and popular, could permit twenty such Pretenders to remain in France. Communists avoid such "attitudes," and so are not interfered with. Poor Don Key-arlos! RULES OF THE RIVER. (As they Are, and ought Not to be.) Steam Launches. As you will go faster than anybody else, you can chaff those you pass by to your heart's content. Compliment rowers on their cos- tume, ask them where they get their hats, and how much they paid for them; give them a few hints on rowing, such as "That's the real military style of pulling." "Now then, Hanlon, look alive!" "Jerk it out, old Beefy!" and "Time, Gentlemen, time! Look sharp there No. 2!" Should any Gentleman be rowing with his wife, or sisters, or cousins and aunts, you, still on the going-faster-than-they theory, must pay them those attentions which are so dear to the opposite sex. Smile affably at the Ladies, wink, kiss your hand, ask them whether they enjoyed themselves at the Aquarium last night, and invite them to throw old Stiok-in-the-Mud over, and come on board with you. Waste nothing. Even a cherry-stone deftly shot between the thumb and first finger at an oarsman's face, may, if it hit him hard enough, animate him in his efforts and cause him to aocelerate his speed. And the joy with which the patient angler regards an empty cham- pagne bottle hurled at his float for ground-bait is, as a rule, too great to be expressed in words. You cannot be too cautious. Yon are compelled to whistle while roundinga point, and before approaching a lock. But don't stop then. Whistle the whole time you are in a lock. Whistle when yon pass a church, provided it is Sunday and there is service going on. Whistle at all pic-nic parties. This will cause them to think that their boats are being run down, and the rapture which will follow on the discovery of the safety of their craft, will well repay you, specially if the wind is in the right direction, and the men very ill-tempered. Never go too fast. In the daytime the river is crowded with boats, therefore, for their sake, never exceed six miles an hour. At night- time, however, when the river is empty, go as hard as you can. Should anyone complain that his starboard scull is broken, and his boat stove in, give him the address of the nearest place where the Royal Humane Society's drags are kept, and tell him, with that in- effable politeness which should always distinguish you, that you would be only too delighted to stop and pick nim up yourself, but you must eaten the 10"15 train from Hampton Court. Be very select in your company. Avoid rowdiness. Fill your launch with quiet, gentlemanly persons, who wear white hats with black bands on the side of their heads, who will toss for "a bottle" at ten in the morning, and will take 6 to 4 about anything so long as the proper price is even money. Be yet more careful about the Ladies you ask for your trip. Let them be vividly golden as to their hair, and their faces protected from the river breeze by a positively lavish use of bismuth, kohl, rouge, and poudre de riz. Sailing-Boats. Says that capital little work. The Mowing Almanack, published by our friendly contemporary and contemporaneous friend, The Field, "A row-boat must give way to a sailing-boat." So must a steam- launch. Therefore you can do as you darn please. Row-Boats. As soon as you approaoh the river leave all vestiges of decency behind. At home you may be, and probably are, on in-bed-by-eleven young man, and never-get-tight young man; but forget that. Row in a costume which, if you bathed in it in France, would bring the police down upon you in fifteen seoonds. "Sasiety is sasiety," said Thackeray. Belong to a good Club, and never mind whether it is a rowing one or not. The colours of I Zingari are tasty. Wear a cap and jacket of them. Should any- one ask whether you are entitled to do so, ask him whether that is his business. The primary object of rowing is health. Therefore pull up to every public-house on the river-side, where you will immediately take another long pull, and a strong pull. Remember that every doctor admits that with hard exercise you can take far more stimu- lants than are admissible to one engaged in sedentary occupations. Rowing is a sedentary pursuit, by the bye; but still it is a pursuit. It is a pursuit of health. You are always trying to come up with health well ahead. Seventeen pots of shandygaff, and a variety of stimulants, can do no one any harm who is in good condition. Be winning in your ways with Barmaids; and as " swagger" gives you an air of real importance, go in for "side"—river-side, of course. (7b be continued.) A. pbopos du Temps.—An unusually hot knight,—Sir Donud Ctrrie. VOL. I.XXXI. 38 [July 30, 1881, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. denial Sost (meaning to plead for poor Jenkins, who has complained that he can't find a Partner). "Let me introduce Mr. Jenkins to you, Miss Jones. I'm sure your Card oan't be full!" THE IRISH SOCIETY. The Honourable the Irish Sooiety of the City of London, seems'to be a very fine specimen of an Institution, that having done a good amount of work in its time is now rather worse than useless. Founded some 280 years ago to restore the County of Londonderry from the state of desolation and misery to which it had been reduced by Civil War, they appear to have set to work with hearty good will, and to have thoroughly accomplished the somewhat difficult task set before them. But, having done all they were created to do, they seem to have dawdled on for some years past, coddling up the prosperous City of Londonderry, and the thriving Town of Coleraine, as if they still needed in their mature manhood, the same kind of nutriment and grandmotherly nursing that was so necessary to them in the days of their adversity. Fancy subsidising the Mayor and Corporation of Londonderry with a few hundreds a year towards their expenses, poor fellows, as if thev could not afford to pay for their own Turtle Soup, especially as Conger Eels are so plentiful in their neighbourhood, and subscribing five pounds to this School, and four pounds to that Boat Club and three pounds to a flower show, and eighteen pence a week to two or three poor widows, and of course finding it absolutely necessary that some 20 or 30 of their number should go all the way to Londonderry every year to distribute these and similar miserable doles, and thereby pauperising the whole community by relieving them from the duties incident to their prosperity. _ To such a pitch of degradation was the Corporation at one time reduced by this miserable and contemptuous treatment, that it is stated by the Governor of the Society, that they actually pawned their Mace, and the Irish Society were silly enough to redeem it for them! However, a better spirit seems to be coming over them: and if they go heartily and thoroughly into the new scheme that is being submitted to them, Mr. Punch, with his accustomed generosity, wiU condone the past, and look hopefully to the future. It appears that some £5000 of their annual income is derived from their Salmon Fisheries; and, by one of those "Happy Thoughts," for which Mr. Punch is so celebrated, but which he disdains to monopolise, it is proposed to dedicate that amount annually to developing the fisheries on the South and West Coasts of Ireland. It is said by those best qualified to know, that at Baltimore, and off the neighbouring island of Cape Clear, fish swarm in almost incredible quantities. Hundreds of vessels from numberless parts of Europe visit the coast every year to reap the golden harvest. The poor Irish labourers, who exist on the produce of their little patches of land, are unable to share in it for want of boats. A few have been supplied by the kindly help of a gracious Lady, whose very name breathes of charity, and supplied in so careful and so wise a way, as to take from the welcome help any taint of degradation. The monev is lent for ten years, without interest, repayable by instalments of one- tenth per annum. No one man so assisted has ever failed to pay his amount when due, and, Cape Clear, which a very few years ago was a nest of paupers, is now inhabited by a population of prosperous and happy and contented people. Not only are they better educated, better clad, and better fed, but such a change has come over their habits as makes them altogether a different race of people. Well now, Gentlemen of the Irish Society, you have such an opportunity of condoning past offences as comes but seldom to public men who have wasted, if not abused, the trust confided to them. Your predecessors nobly performed the difficult and important task committed to them. You succeed to their goodly heritage without their grave responsibilities. Show yourselves worthy of your name—the Honourable the Irish Society. It is not honourable to waste trust-funds in absurdity or extravagance. It is honourable, most honourable, to assist in a noble work which, while increasing the supply of wholesome and delicious food for the hungry poor of London, will at the same time enable thousands of poor Irishmen to raise themselves from the degraded state of poverty and misery in which the people of Cape Clear existed a few years ago, to the comparative comfort and contentment they now enjoy. May this Honourable Society prove itself worthy of j its appellation, and by so doing reap a rich reward in the blessings of those they will have benefited! THE COMING MAN! The School Board Boy, who, according to the Times report, gave this as an answer in examination:— "Magna Charta was ordered by the King to be beheaded. He fled to Italy, but was captured and executed "— ought to have received a special prize. He is clearly a Genius; for genius is above history, and above all rules. Is this a youthful Milton, a coming Shakspeake, or the greatest Romancer that England has ever seen'( We shall watch his career (if we 've time and opportunity) with deep interest. He is a Genius; and being so, what an awfully school-bored Boy he must be! Sentimental Music-Hails. The Coffee Music-Halls Association are paving the New Cut, Lambeth, with good intentions. Like most well-meaning people who go into a peculiar business they know nothing about, they nave sunk the greater part of their capital. They ask for more, and propose to carry on the Coffee Music-Hall without any Music-Hall features. If the "Vic" is to become a Temperance Lecture- Room, it would be as well to say so at once. Lam- beth has already a Music-Hall where better coffee and no spirits are sold, and where a more popular entertainment is given to a working-class audience. It is not managed by a Committee. Jult JO, 1881.] 39 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. TENNYSON AT BILLINGSGATE. Take! Take I Take! Oh grabber of swag from the sea, And 1 shouldn't quite like to utter The thoughts that occur to me! Oh, ill for the fisherman poor That he toils for a trifle all day, And ill for the much-diddled publio That has through the nose to pay. And the swelling monopolist drives To his villa at Haverstock Hill, But it's oh for the number of poor men's lives Food-stinted to plump his till! Take! Take! Take! Oh grabber of swag from the sea. But you 'U render a reckoning one of these days To the public and Mr. P. THE WATER FAMINE IN PARIS. Reflections of a Parisian. We have a Water Famine. Paris thirsts. When Paris thirsts all the world is thirsty. C'est terrible! Mais c'est magniflque! The Municipal Administration counsels one not to waste water. It arrives then that I do not wash myself. N'importe! I will cheerfully sacrifice myself for the good of my country! Royal Academy Holiday. Some of the leading Royal Academicians contemplate a yachting trip. There is some talk of purchasing, if the owner will sell, or hiring, if the owner will let, the well-known yacht Latona. It will be re-christened the 8ir Frederick Leigh ton a, and then the Late Owner will have nothing to do with it. "It's a beautiful sea vessel," writes Mr. E. L. S-mb-bke, R.P.A., "only it goes so Rowley." THE ANTI-SEMITIC MOVEMENT. Distinguished Visitor {asking the Bogs a few Questions in Sacred History). "Can YOU TELL ME ABOUT THE PLAQUES OF EoYPI? NOW WHAT WERE THEY?" Small Boy {promptly). "Jews, Sir! DIPLOMACY IN THE DOG-DAYS. France to Germany.—Dearest B-sm-bck, how funny, to be sure, it seems to be addressing you in terms of endearment! Suppose I shall get used to it in time! How about Tripoli? You don't object to me annexing it, do you? It doesn't matter a straw about England—but how about Russia, ehP Germany to France.—Go it, my boy! Annex the Great Sahara, if you like. Quite right, who cares about England? Russia says she feels bound—ahem!—to respeot independence and integrity of Ottoman Empire, but still you need fear no stupid opposition from her at Tripoli. Can she do a revolt in Roumelia for you, to keep 8ultan quiet? France to Germany.—A thousand thanks, man cher ami! M. tuicsTAV ordered to pick a quarrel with Tripoli at once. Troops all ready. How can we ever repay you? Germany to France.—Well, of course you'll let ns take Belgium, won't you? And give us written promise not to interfere with Elsoss and Lothringen again, eh? France to Germany.—Elsoss! Lothringen! Don't know suoh places. Promise not to interfere! Belgium to be yours! A thousand furies! Pardon me, 'tis the hot weather; but we must stop this correspondence at once. Gaxbbtta agrees. Troops for Tripoli countermanded. Orders to wait on Alsatian frontier instead, ilave just made offensive and defensive alliance with England. What do you say now? Vile beer-swilling Teuton I Vandal! Goth! Germany to France.— Sorry to discompose you, but don't you wish you may get Elsass book again? Alliance with England 1 Why, we've got one too— made by Lord S-l-sb-ky when he was at Berlin! Where are yon now, eh P Frog-eater! Austria to Russia.—So glad to hear that you 've determined to ■nub England. How about her fleet, though? Well, never mind. How about Italy, too P Never mind, again. Shall we take Bulgaria and Salonica at once, or wait a few months? Russia to Austria.—Our entente cordiale delightful! Such a sell for England! Germany auite approves. What was that you said about Bulgaria and Salonica P Austria to Russia.—Why, naturally we want a good slice of Turkey! You can have Constantinople, you know—that is, if you can get it, of course. Russia to Austria.—Salonica yours! Bulgaria, too! Never! That's what you 've been aiming at, is it? Let me tell you, we 've just completed alliance with England and Germany against you! reel rather out of it now, eh? Vile Teuton-Magyar-Czech-Croat Mixture! Army-corps ordered to your frontier. Austria to Russia.—Slav villain! Alliance with England and Germany against us! Why, we 've got private letter from Lord S-l-sb-hy, actually inviting us to waRc into Salonica. We '11 do it now. Germany is only deceiving you. We 've got alliance with her, too. Where are you now, eh? You can stew in your own bear's- grease, Muscovite tricksters! Troops ordered to meet yours at frontier. Au revuir! THE WAY WE DANCE NOW. {From the Ball-Boom Conversation Book—latest Knightsbrklge Edition.) I will never believe the Duchess paid only £10,000 for these flowers. The refreshments are certainly excellent, but I am sorry to hear the Earl has had to cut off the entail. Pretty idea that to give you a five-pound note for a hat-ticket. Surely that is the man in possession waltzing with the hostess 1 Considering the success of the fete, I think it would be a great mistake were the Duke to finish by blowing his brains out. I am not surprised to hear that every one of the couples standing up for this quadrille have had to put down their carriages. The recollection of such a charming cotillon cannot fail to console the Baronet in the Bankruptcy Court. There,—come into supper, and never mind the mortgagee. Yes, it's a fact; this entertainment has cost the subscribing hosts only a hundred and sixty guineas a-piece. 40 [July 30, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. G. II. B-me H. Gl-dst-n«. A. M. S-ll-v-n. T. P. O'C-nii-r. Sir H. J-m-s. U. L-b-ch-re. G. 0. M-rg-u. J. Ch-mb-rl-n. mJ. L-hjr. Just-nMcC-rtliy. F. H. O'D-nn-U. II. F-wc-tt. MORE "FORMS OF THE HOUSE. (By Electric Light.) Monday, July 18.—T. P. O'Connor improves as the weather grows hotter. To-night, after a preliminary shout at question time, has a fling at Her Majesty's Judges. "Thinks," he says, "time has come for him to tell the House what he thinks of those ermined partisans." "Curious," says Sir William Harcoubt, "what antipathy a certain class of people have for a judge. If they 're in the dock they throw their boots at him; out of it (and in a safe place) they howl at him." Pity, I say, that a young fellow like this should throw away his chance of becoming a respectable mediocrity. "Yah, young innocent!" says Mr. Briggs, who rather imposes on the accidental circumstance that he was in the House a Session before me. He is always coming to me reciting nursery rhymes, to improve my mind, as he says. But let Briggs beware. 1 never condescend to that sort of thing myself; but I have a friend at Chelsea who knows how to select the softest part of a human calf, and to mutter between clenched teeth 'Vy tun etj'y reste." This, by the way. "Yah, young innocent! T. P., is not such a fool as he looks. He's going to the States to lecture in the autumn, and he knows that there could be no better advertisement than a little bullying of the House of Commons." "What's he going to lecture on? Good manners?" said Walter James. "No, Bashfulness." t I wonder now if this is true. T. P.'s growth in rowdyism cer- tainly seems to want some explanation, and a man must want a big price to purchase such a character as this. It's not nice, and it's not clever. Any costermonger could do it better, and would come cheaper. As Sir Wixfrid Lawson says, "T. P. O'Connor shouts at Fobster as if the Chief Secretary had led him to believe that he was going to buy aU the carrots in his barrow, and had finally announced that he didn't want any." Business done.—Got on with the Land Bill up to Clause 40. Tuesday.—Glad to see Mr. Chaplin get a regular ovation to-day from the Ministerialists. They are, as a rule, a little hard on him. When he pipes, with whatever melancholy air, they refuse to dance. He prophesies unutterable things, and they laugh. He treats them to a coruscation of perorations, and still they are not happy. To- night, when he rose at the appropriate hour of midnight, with his suit of Babies showing under the mockery of his summer dress, there was the accustomed groan of despair. "Jeremiah with afresh chapter of Lamentations," said Mr. Woodall, his customarily cheerful countenance growing suddenly saddened. But the anticipatory moan was changed to a shout of triumph, when Mr. Chaplin, in solemn tones, and with depressed manner, said, "1 will raise my protest once for all!" At the prospect here presented, the spirits of the House went up, much after the manner of the thermometer in recent times. Speaking metaphorically, it may be said that they stood at 96 in the shade. Exhilaration only temporary. Presently discovered that this was only a figure of speech. "He's like that confounded raven on the pallid bust of Pallas that went croaking 'Nevermore I'through 1 don't know how many verses," said Mr. Chamberlain. "His ' once for all' will certainly last till the end of the Session." All this very hard on Mr. Chaplin, who is understood at New- market to be one of the chief orators of the House—one who might any day step into the shoes of Mr. Gladstone. Of course there is a difficulty about Mr. Chaplin leading Liberals. But this little dis- tinction not clearly visible from the Heath. Lord Rosebert tells me that there is always a flutter among the jockeys, whether at New- market or Epsom, when the stately figure of the Member for Mid- Linoolnshire is observed. Also there is much shaking of the head and melancholy foreboding in the Ring. "He 'U be a blooming Premier some day," the jockeys say to each other as they turn to watch him. "He '11 never care for 'orses any more. He's one of them gents as might be anythink. He might be Admiral of the Fleet, or he might turn out the Dook of Cambridge. He comes amongst us cos it's gentlemanly. But he '11 be a blooming Prime Minister, and will turn up his nose at sport." AU this of course I hear at secondhand, and it makes a pretty picture to think of Mr. Chaplin carelessly walking about the Heath or watching the horses at Epsom or Doncaster, and aU these eyes, full of sad forebodings, turned upon his unconscious figure. But I fancy Lord Harttngton must be speaking metaphorically when he says the jockeys bring themselves down to weight by simply lying in bed at night thinking of the inevitable separation. Business done.—Last Clause of Land BiU reached. Wednesday.—House begins to understand the meaning of Mr. Gladstone's recent visits to the Durdans. He spent the Whitsun holidays there, and on another occasion found the peaee of the Sab- bath-day by the deserted Downs. This happened some weeks ago, and hitherto no trace discovered of results of his new studies. But to-day he comes forward and, slapping the deBpatoh-box, offers to "lay 10 to 1" on Lawson against Rathbone. "A good start for a young 'un," Mr. Chaplin says, looking with generous sympathy on the novioe entering on a pathway which he himself is about to quit. "He '11 be setting up an umbrella and a large hat next, and.with a money-bag with ' W. E. G.' stamped on it will do a good business at Epsom." Mr. Wakton has his doubts on the question of law. The House of Commons is not licensed for betting purposes, and even the high Btation of the Premier does notput him above the law. "8 & 9 Vict. c. 109," Mr. Wabton explains to Mr. Whitley, "makes it penal for any person betting in any street, road, high- way, or other open public place. Such person would be deemed a rogue and a vagabond, and fined, or imprisoned. Now this is an open and public place, and here's Gladstone trying to lure Northcoik into a bet by offering him large odds. Why should he get off when a poor man would be fined? 1 '11 give notice of a question." And Mr. Warton, snuffing violently, goes off to write it out. Business dime.—Clean through Land Bill in Committee, except new Clauses. Friday.—Quite interesting to watch the greetings of Sir Wil- liam Harcoubt and Mr. Forstek through successive evenings on the Treasury Bench. Young Hebbert Gladstone, who sits imme- diately behind them, tells me he hears them softly singing the little hymn from Dr. Watts, beginning— "And are we still alive. And sco each other's face?" It must be a dreadful thing to have correspondence of the kind ad- 'dressed to those eminent men. On the whole, Forsteb's oemes a little July 30, 1881.] 41 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. cheaper. With Haecouet animosity takes a concrete form. Miniature coffins cunningly carved in wood, are what the trusty postman brings him, or rusty pistols, in which the darkling eye peering adown the Darrel, could beholda " something." Postage on these not being paid in advance came a little heavy. _ Foestee has merely letters, though not of a pleasant kind. "Now is our time: Foestee to live, or I to die," writes the sanguinary-minded Hickie. "If he doesn't mind," says Foestee, "I would as soon live." "Yes," says Habcoubt, who, even in these circum- stances of sad comradeship, cannot put matters pleasantly, '' yes; but this sort of fellow does mind." Business done.—Considered new Clauses in Land Bill. Bean £>tanlep* Abthub Penbhyn Stanley, Bobn Dec. 13, 1815; Died July 18, 1881. With clear, calm eye he fronted Faith, and she, Despite the clamorous crowd, Smiled, knowing her soul-loyal votary At no slave's altar bowed. With forward glance beyond polemic scope, He scanned the sweep of Time, And everywhere changed looks with blue-eyed Hope, Victress o'er doubt and crime. But inward turning, he, of gentle heart, And spirit mild as free, Most gladly welcomed, as life's better part, The rule of Charity. FROM OUR OWN DODDERESS. I heae that there is likely to be a change in the per- petual dark-coloured perambulators for babyettes. I nave noticed several of late which have been painted in light and gorgeous tints. This is a step in the right direction. Why does not somebody patent a new feeding- bottle? Really, the present ones in use are very dowdy and old-fashioned. Surely some more romantic sub- stance than india-rubber could be utilised for the stem of these valuable additions to a bachelor's house- hold. The fashions of girlettes' snoods remain unaltered. I am hard at work on my little manual, The Rules of Skipping-Rope for the Nursery, so no more this week from Yours girlettelishly, Selina Anne. A WORD WITH ALDERMAN NOTTAGE. Mb. Aldebman Nottage remarked the other day, when trying a case, that he "was aware that asking a Police-constable for his number was like holding a red flag to a bull," and he seemed to think that was quite a sufficient excuse for a Policeman taking a Gentleman into custody for demanding his number. Now if a Policeman is rough or impertinent, bullies some poor little street Arab, or otherwise misconducts himself, the only way in which to bring him to justice is to take his number, and so ascertain who he is. That is the reason such a proceeding is like a red flag to a bull, and it is a crying scandal that such should be the case. It is a scandal also that an Alderman, acting in a judicial capa- city, should encourage and not severely condemn such a feeling among Policemen. Ninety-Seven in the Shade. Philosophees say heat's a means of motion, And so no doubt it may be, but, methinks, Man's not a steam-engine, so I 've a notion I '11 just lie quiet, and have forty winks.* • Tea, but be won't lie quiet after forty 'winks—that is, if 'winks are as unwholesome as most shell-fish. But perhaps this is not our contributor's meaning.—Ed. THE CHEAP /ESTHETIC SWELL. (Showing 'ow 'Arry goes in for the Intense—'Eat. Therm. 97° in the Shade. Twopence I gave foe my Sunshade, A Penny I gave foe my Fan, THEEEPENCE I PAID FOE MY STRAW,—FOBRIN MADE— I 'm a Japan-Esthetic young Man! LUMPS OF TURKISH DELIGHT. A simple-minded Bondholder, at the meeting convened to express confidence in Mr. Boubke prior to that Right Hon. Gentleman's departure for Constanti- nople, wanted to know "when the Turkish Government would pay four per cent.?" Mr. Punch has much pleasure in answering the question. When the Turk gives up his fez, and appears before the Sultan in a billy- cock hat. When the Ladies of the Harem accept situations as nursery governesses in quiet families in Clapham. When Constantinople is lighted with the electric light, and all the street curs are sent to the Home for Lost Dogs. When the proceedings against Midhat Pasha are quashed, and the case is reheard (by the request of the Sublime Porte) in the Central Criminal Court. When Real Turkish Sherbet," at a penny a glass, from the New Kent Road, is successfully introduced into Stamboul. _ When Penny Steamboats are started in the Bosphorus by a Company the Managing Director of which shall be the Sheik-ul-Islam. When the Sultan sells off his jewels, gives up his Civil List, and patronises exclusively the Civil Service Stores. When, in fact, the leopard changes his spots, the negro becomes white, and the sun exchanges places with the moon in ruling over the night. Then, but not until then, will a Bondholder receive four per cent, interest on the Turkish Debt! Solving a Problem. A Thoughtful Contributor raised a question last week, which he seemed utterly unable to answer. It puzzled him to know why "italics should be to print what rouge is to women." An Anonymous, or Anonyma correspondent writes thus:—"If the italics occur in a pretentious leading article, then, like the rouge, the intention is to draw attention to the cheek. Now, then, stoopid!" "Stoopid," of course, is not addressed to us, but is evidently applied to our Thoughtful Contributor, the Author of " Old Parr's Pars." He will like it. 42 [July 30, 1881. PtJKCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI A SUBTLE DISTINCTION. Jones {who ia of an inquiring mind). "Ain't you getting tired of hearing People say, 'That is the beautiful Miss Belsize I'?' Miss Belsia (a Professional Beauty). "On no. I 'm getting tired of hearing Peoi'LE say, 'Is that the beautiful Miss Belsize 1'' THE HAUNTED MINARET. A Whisper from the Pavilion. It was the most eventful moment of the eventful afternoon; and He was nowhere to be found. "Where is he?" cried, with his usual impetuosity, the Mayor of Brighton. "Wherever can He be?" cried the Mayoress. "Where is he J" thundered Sir Albert Sassooit to the Twenty- Sixth Footman. "Oh, where is He ?" wailed, in doleful concert, the Ladies who were being rapidly converted (by the heat) into water souche at the Aquarium. "He isn't here," observed the stout man in the jersey, at Brill's Baths. "Haven't seen him this quarter of an hour," grumbled the great army of Special Correspondents. "I have not the least idea where he can be," urbanely remarked Mr. J. P. Knight, General Manager of the London, Brighton and South Coast Railway, to Messrs. Hollond and Marriott, M.P.'s. "He hasn't been Acre," observed Mr. Cheeseman, of the West Pier. "Nor here!" ejaculated the Manager of the Grand Hotel. And then all the Brightonians, and the Hovites, and the Hittites (Members of the Brighton Cricket Club), and the Arthur Wagnerites, and the Volunteers, the flymen, the fishermen, the bathing-machine women, and the governesses and pupils of nine hundred and ninety- nine Boarding-Schools for Young Ladies (commonly called Ashby Sterryites), all burst out crying and sobbing, and repeated in despairing unison— 'Oh'. where and oh! where Can H-8 K-y-1 H-ghn-ss beP He isn't on the land, And he isn't on the sea. To him wo 're all divouis. Can hi' be with Herr Kuhe? He isn't on the beach— Oh! where iB H.K.H.?" But Punch knew where H.R.H. was. Who but he? There is, among the domes, the cupolas, the pinnacles, the pilasters, the buttresses, the pediments, the architraves, the intercolumniations, the rhomboids, the astragals, the friezes, the caryatides, and the carrycoalides, the tetrachords, and the harpsichords of the Royal Pavilion a oertain tall Minaret—the very tallest in the entire Pastry- oook 8 Palace, which causes the architectural critic to Nash his teeth with rage every time he gazes upon it; and that Minaret Punc h knows to be Haunted. Who but he? To that Minaret Punch despatched a Little Bird; and this is what the Little Bird saw and heard :— Scene—The Haunted Minaret. F.nter the Ghost of H.R.H. G E, P.R. Curly brown wig as curly as ever, but a little the worse for wear. Smile as sweet as ever, only a little ghastly. Ghost of G e, P.P. Doosed hot! Think I '11 take off my wig. Rather trying, these white kid inexpressibles. Wish I 'd brought nankeens. How well he looks! Doesn't seem to mind the heat a bit. Plucky fellow. Then they all cheered! Strange that the mob didn't hiss him. They used to hiss me. Confounded Radicals! Hope he '11 follow me up here. Tipped him the wink while the Recorder was reading the Address. Hallo! here he is. Enter H.R.H. Alb-rt Edw-ed. Prince. Hope I don't intrude? Seventeen hundred and eleven steps. Rather trying. (To Ghost, bowing.) I don't think we have ever met until to-day; but [stalling) I think I may be entitled to say, "0, my prophetic soul, my Grand-Uncle." Ghost. You are right, Grand-Nephew. 1 am your Grand-Avuncular. And—ahem! the Finest Gentleman in Europe. So hot! (Clearing his voice.) My Lords and Gentlemen, 1 continue to receive from Foreign Powers assurances of amity and esteem; but I regret to have to announce that the exertions of the Emperor of Austria against the ambition and violence of France have Prince (interrupting). I fully see the force and appropriateness of your remarks, Sir; but I might, perhaps, be allowed to remark that 1 am beginning to feel rather dry. 1 've come a long way upstairs, to have the honour of meeting Your R-y-1 H-gh-ss. it's rather hot. Ghost (sighing). And I from a very much longer way downstairs. It is hot! Doosed hot! Prince (sticking to his text). But some slight amount of refresh- ment PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—July 30, 1881. SUSPENSE! HIBEBNIA WATCHING FOR THE GOOD SHIP LAND ACT. July 30, 1881.] 45 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Ghost {pettishly). There; you '11 find a cold roast chicken, and a decanter of cunujoa on a side-table. The Master of the Household has orders to place oold fowl and curaijoa in all the rooms of the Pavilion every day throughout the year. [Two minutes for refreshment. Prince {calmly lighting his Laferme, and handing nis case to Ghost). Have a cigarette, Grand-Uncle! Ghost {indignantly). Good gracious, Sir! "What do you mean? Smoke! A nasty, ungentlemanly habit! I wouldn't make Dr. Pare a Bishop because he smoked. Leigh Hunt used to smoke, like a shocking Radical, as he was! Prince. Ah I I remember Leigh Hunt's Legend of Florence being played in the Rubens Room, at Windsor, before my Father and Mother when I was quite a boy. Ghost {horrified). Leigh Hunt, at the Royal Castle at Windsor! Prince {laughing). Yes, poor old Leigh! He called you a Fat Adonis once in the Examiner. Ghost {excitedly). He didn't! He dared not say I was Fat, Sir! I wasn't fat. He said I was an Adonis of Fifty. And I was an Adonis. But Vicaby Glbbs trounced the rascal with an ex officio, and Ellenbobouoh sent him to Horsemonger Lane Gaol. Was the scamp hanged, eventually? Prince {gravely). Not at all, Sir. Leigh Hunt died in the receipt of a handsome pension from the Crown—a graceful recognition of his genius, and a slight compensation for his sufferings. Ghost. Fiddlestick! Give me a pinch of snuff, Grand-Nephew. My nerves are quite upset; and I 've left my box down-stairs. Prince {waggishly). We don't take snuff in the England of to-day, Sir. We consider snuffing to be a nasty and not too gentlemanly practice. Ghost. I am sorry for you. However, I hope you still put away your couple of bottles after dinner. Prince. A glass or two of champagne at dinner; a glass of claret, or so, after dinner; perhaps a little Apollinaris and Something as a nightcap before we go to bed. That is our way of doing things in England nowadays. Sir. Ghost {disdainfully). Which accounts for the fact that England is going to the Doose. Castlereagh told me so yesterday; and Billy Pitt and Old Bags agreed with him. Let us change the conversa- tion. Who's the Champion now? I don't mean Dymoke, the man in armour who rode on horseback into Westminster Hall, between Wellington and Anglesea, when I was crowned ; but the Corinthian Champion. Prince {puzzled). The what. Sir? We have Rowing, Cricketing, Wrestling and Lawn-Tennis Champions; but I know of no Corinthian one. Ghost {amazed). Good gracious, Sir! Is the Fancy dead? Prince. Not at all. I 've been to at least a dozen Fancy Bazaars within the last month; and very neatly have the Pr-nc-ss and I been fleeced there. That " Old Englyshe Fayre " was a caution. Ghost. I care nothing about your bazaars. I mean the Ring. Prince. Ah! I see. Well, Tattebsall's Ghost {stamping his foot). Confound your Tattebsall's! The Prize Ring, Grand-Nephew, the Prize Ring, immortalised by the glories of Tom Spring, Gully, Mendoza, Lanoan, Aby Belasco, Dutch Sam, and Molynrux the Black? Prince {gravely). Prize-fighting, which had degenerated into a ruffianly exhibition of fraud and blackguardism, has long since been prohibited by Act of Parliament. Ghost {much disturbed). And cook-fighting, dear old cock-fighting? Prince {in his most sensible manner). Cook-fighting has gone the way of prize-fighting; and bull-baiting, badger-drawing, and rat- killing have followed suit. Ghost {sarcastically). Indeed! A most elegant and refined Eng- land yours must be. And pray, Grand-Nephew, now that the prin- cipal sports oommonly indulged in by English gentlemen in my time have been abolished, may I ask what you do? Prince {coolly, and lighting another cigarette). Well, I have a good deal of hard work and a good deal of amusement. I go to all the races and all the theatres. I dine out continually. I go to Private Views. I hunt. I shoot. I take the chair at public dinners, and am awfully bored; but I get through the speeches as well as I can. I lay first stones and open hospitals. I travel a good deal; and, with the exception of Australia, I may say I have been all over the world. Ghost {incredulously). All over the world! Why, I never was in Paris in my life; and I was nearly sixty when I first landed at Calais on my way to Hanover. Aren't you afraid of the Radicals playing the Doose with things while you are away? Prince. We are not afraid of anything to speak of, just now, in England. Ghost {angrily). Oh, I see! The admirable system of policy so long pursued by my Eldons, my Castlebeaghs, and my Livebpools is no longer the fashion. The Reformers have got things their own way, I perceive. I suppose you all eat Cobbett's corn and drink Hunt's Roasted Corn Coffee? There, there, young Sir, I have de- tained you too long. You and I have nothing in common. Prince {drily). Little enough, Grand-Uncle. Ghost {waxing more wrathful). Go, Sir! Go to your cigars and your cigarettes, your Apollinaris and your Wilhelmsquelle, your Private Views, Smoking Concerts and your Fancy Bazaars, your Polo and your Lawn-Tennis. {Softening a little.) Well, give me your hand, Bebtie. You 're not a bad fellow. Autres temps, autres mozurs, I suppose. I won't keep you from your Brighton any longer; but—{eagerly)— just one word before we part. Do they still like them Fat, Fair, and Forty? Prince {laughing). Here is a packet of the last photos of the Beauties of the Day by Bassano, Elliott, and Fby and Downey. You can look them over at your leisure. Ta-ta! Grand-Uncle! Ghost. Bye-by, Grand-Nephew! [ Vanishes with a Melodious Twang, attentively examining Photographs as he disappears. LATEST FROM BULGARIA. Sistova, July 22nd.—Prince Alexandeb has just this moment issued A New and Revised Edition of his Address to the People. It will be seen that it contains some most important new passages:— My Beloved People,—I recently thought it my duty to put to you the rather important query, Shall I go or stay? You have now answered that question at the polling-booth, where perfectly disciplined, and utterly illiterate Russian soldiers were stationed, so as to make it impossible for you to return any answer but the right one. Bless you, my People! I will stay! To guard against the slightest chance of an adverse verdict, I took the further precaution to nave some of tho advocates [of your free Constitution imprisoned, while others, entirely without my know- ledge or approval, were shot and stabbed in the public streets. Under these circumstances, I am truly pleased to congratulate you all on the almost complete unanimity with which you have chosen to aocept a bad copy of a Russian despotism in place of those Parliamentary Institutions, which enlightened Europe, allotted to you at Berlin. A thousand thanks, my own devoted subjects, for relieving me of that oath to respect your Constitution which I took at my corona- tion, and which had become really a trifle irksome to me of late. Every year it will be my agreeable duty to convoke the Represen- tatives of this country, and tell them how I want them to vote, whereupon they will immediately proceed to vote accordingly. Energy and perseverance will be the distinctive characteristics of my Government. With a view to carrying out this object, I have ordered the State Prison at Sistova to be furnished with an extra supply of underground dungeons for inconvenient patriots. You might perhaps have expected that England, which has an objection to Bulgarian Atrocities, would have felt a little hurt at the suppression of Bulgarian liberties by my autocratic violence. Not a bit of it—witness the most satisfactory presence of the British Consul to add eclat to this pleasing scene, when a People yields up to the persuasions and bayonets of its loving' Prince the freedom which it never deserved and is too cowardly to defend. Alexandeb. JULY NOTED. Cup Day at Goodwood. Small and Early. Irish Poverty. Sarah Bebnhabdt has been in Dublin, and has received an "ovation." An ovation may be a shower of rotten eggs thrown at an unpopular candidate, but the ovation in this case was far more agreeable. Sarah Bernhardt has been in London, in Brighton, in Birmingham, in Liverpool, in Manchester, in Glasgow, and other important towns, but m no towns have her receipts equalled her receipts in Dublin. This is entirely owing to the poverty and down- trodden condition of Ireland. Seasonable Enjoyment.—Ocean cum dignitate. 46 [July 30, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SALOON CARRIAGES. The great advantage of Saloon Carriages in securing the Bafety of passengers from murderous attacks nas been made manifest in America. Murders take place in that happy country, as they do in England, but there is no pri- vacy, no mystery, no sneaking ruffianism about them. What is done, is done in the broad light of day. A band of six or more marauders enter a saloon carriage, and begin by shooting the guard or con- ductor. To stop the train they shoot the driver, and then they request the passengers to give up their property. Unless irritated by some tra- veller who turns his back upon the ruffians with contempt, they abstain from further murders, and leave the train of saloon carriages at the earliest possible opportunity. The beauty of this system is that the officers of justice know what they have to do, and do it. When they come up with the ruffians, they pro- bably shoot them then and there, and, in any case, they do not tell them that anything they may say will be brought iu evidence against them. Every ruffian who is alive twenty-four hours after the outrage, will live like a hunted tiger. This gives the news- papers very little material to play with, but it delays the passengers the least possible time on their journey. The Irish Land Bill.— Three Commissioners at £3000 per unn. = £9000. Not yet paid. PUNCH'S FANCY PORTRAITS.-NO. 42. SIR HENRY THOMPSON. Great Artist-Surgeon, who so well is able To point a Pencil and adorn a Table f First in the Ranks of Men of Light and Leading, Our Best Authority on Food and Feeding. REVERSE THE ENGINE I This is now the great pa- triotic cry. We have all been going forward a little too fast. Let our cry now be Back- wards! Free-trade has not done all that was expected of it. Let us return to Protection. Protection was good and kind. It gave the landlords rent, and the manufacturers bounties. England is not strong enough to run out of leading-strings. Gas has not behaved well. Let us return to oil-lamps and tallow candles. Railways have much to answer for. Let us return to stage-coaches and the peaceful waggon. Tele- graphs and Telephones have destroyed the art of letter- writing. Before the English language is a thing of the past, let us return to quills, Bath- post and twopenny postmen. Newspapers—the cheap ones- have done more harm than good, and are multiplying in a way to alarm the thoughtful. Let us go back to Stamp Acts and Paper Duties. England was something like a country when it was content with Punch, John Bull, and the Morning Herald, price six- pence. If we can only revive the Tory Millennium, who knows what may happen? The United States may return to their allegiance, apologise for Bunker's Hill, and help us to put a little life into our rickety colony, Canada. Thought on contempla- ting an Obese and Osten- tatious Billingsgate Sales- man.—" Oh fish, fish, how art thou fleshified!" WHAT SHALL WE DEINK? Dear Punch,—During the late "hot snap" everybody has been asking this question. People generally seek something palatable as well as thirst-quenohing. No, Sir, if we must drink at all, let us drink something nasty. Do you favour a sharp drink? Try tepid water in which sorrel has been steeped. I have walked miles on it. To those who dislike aoidity one pinch of salt is an improvement. Magnesia, again. Nothing is more cooling than magnesia. Taken in skim-milk it will assuage the most raging drouth in the twirling of a mophandle. I always row on magnesia and skim-milk. Weak toast-and-water with a dash of treacle is an excellent thirst-killer. Keep it by you wben you have to work in a close room on a hot day, and you won't drink half as much of it at you would of iced claret cup! Oatmeal and water is inexpensive, but three split peas steeped in a pint (some prefer a quart) of rain water makes a wholesome beverage, of which you may drink any quantity without serious results, save perhaps a little temporary stomachic revolt, which prejudiced peo- ple are apt to call nausea. It is a great mistake to condemn a drink because you don't like it. Drink on till you do. When I have to work extra hard (say at solving acrostics) and the thermometer is above 100,1 concoct a beverage which I call potato-squash. It con- sists of a scraped potato steeped in a bucket of soapsuds, and flavoured with a pinch of Bnuff. It is most cooling and stimulating, and I have Bolved more Society puzzles on it than on anything else. I hope. Sir, that these hints may be of servioe to toilers, pedestrian and otherwise, in this torrid weather. ■When the mercury rises high and the eyes in sun-glare blink, We hear a voice which says, ".Drink, thirsty creature, drink!" But shun as you 'd shun sun-stroke the cold insidious ice. And never whatsoe'er may chance, drink anything that's nice. Yours, &o. N. Oodle. A GLUT OF GREAT NAMES. Either a Parliamentary grant of money, or, if that be denied by patriotic economists, a public subscription must soon be requisite for the purpose of affording a chapel-of-ease to Westminster Abbey. This, not indeed, to accommodate any excess of congregation above- ground, but to provide room for the remains and statues of the illus- trious defunct, with both of which the interior of the national place of sepulture and commemoration is already inconveniently crowded. The glut of soldiers, statesmen, historians, poets, and other distin- guished writers, serious as well as comic, whose mortal relics, and immortal memories, go on accumulating so copiously as to render the payment of sepulchral and monumental honours to them a difficulty of space, is such a credit to the nation as to reconcile Englishmen to the expense. But wouldn't cremation assist us P A niche in the Abbey would then mean simply a few inches for a small urn with a label on it. How it Strikes TJs. '* The reports from the iron districts have become favourable without an exception. . . . The men employed at three of the largest iron-works in Cleveland have struck."—Daily Faperi. The Iron-works prosper, on all sides one hears, That pig's much in demand, and trade better appears; But the men have gone out—they remember we wot. In the face of such weather, to strike while it's hot! Lobd Cloncubry, the Captain of the Lords at Wimbledon—a peer among his peers—made "fifteen bulls." Not bad, even for an Irish- man. There's a Landlord for you! But, being such a mighty fine shot, wouldn't he make an illigant Tenant P July 30, 1881.] 47 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE SERVANTS!" Footman out of Livery (to Coadiman). "Well, Smithers, how ake you getting on? You 'be off boon, I suppose?" Coachman. "Well, no ; I 'm a-ooin' to send ouk People 'abroad' at the end o' the Month, and then we shall have the 'Ouse to ourselves, and—WE shall see SOMETHINK of yer pebhaps?" [Her Ladyship making her appearance—Tacetl TRILLS FOR TEETOTALLERS. (Inscribed to Sir Wilfrid Lawson.) "What 's the best drink in hot weather? 'Tis a most momentous question, And a full investigation might result in indigestion. Natheless 1 go forth undaunted to indite a Bacchic hymn. And to try whate'er is tempting in the form of Summer "stim." Hobace by Bandusian fountain sang the praise of water bright, But he added " digne mero," and methinks the bard was right. I 've a great regard for water; it has value to my thinking As a cool means of ablution, not for purposes of drinking. There's a happy combination makes a most seduotive thing— Gin and soda, ice and lemon—euphemistically "sling." While a liquid quite teetotal will go down as soft as silk: Let the soda's effervescence foam upon a glass of milk. Brandy-smashes, whiskey-cocktails—all in turn are pleasant, very; And Apollinaris Water goes extremely well with sherry. If preferring humbler fluids, you a mighty bowl would quaff, Beer and ginger-beer commingled will result in " shandy-gaff." Ginger-beer, too, mixed with cider, as our Volunteers can tell, Makes the pleasant cup called "Bull's-eye," Wimbledonians know so well. At the Oval they make "Hatfield" to reward a clever catch: Wot ye well its imbibition often makes or mars a match. Lemonade, with just a dash of Angostura, quenches thirst; One ice-cream dissolved in soda is of coolers not the worst. Yet, amid a thousand liquids in which thirsty souls delight, "Apurrov piv SJwp,"—Pindar very possibly was right! A PROTEST. We, the undersigned, being in all probability the largest con- sumers of Ileal Turtle Soup in the whole City of London, hereby most emphatically—we had almost written greenfatically—protest against the terrible insinuation contained in your last number. Our long and large experience enables us to say, with a degree of assurance, the result of earnest, nay, solemn conviction, that there is a certain exquisite scrumptiousness and goloptiousness about ileal Turtle, that never has been equalled—cannot be equalled now, and, in all human probability, never will be equalled; and to endeavour to persuade us that, in seasons of scarcity and consequent tribulation, we are imposed upon by such a truly awful substitute as Irish Conger Eel, is to stab an almost mortal blow to the highest form of enjoyment of which our nature is capable. You can be but little aware, Sir, of how much your terrible suggestion has interfered, with what constitutes to us one of the principal charms of life, nor how much internal discomfort has already been caused. Whether the highly distinguished gentlemen who contract with us for our usual copious supply of Fine Lively Turtle, will consider it desirable to consult counsel upon the matter, will, we believe, depend upon your insertion or not of this solemn protest. (Signed) Benjamin Gobbel, Alderman and Pavior. Slymie Woollktung, Ex-Sheriff. Owen Wotnott, Clerk to the Worshipful Company of Bellows Menders. I wilfully indawses these Fax, countersined, "Robert." MILK ABOVE AND MILK BELOW. The Aylesbury Company began business as milk-dealers, and now they advertise that, as manufacturers, they are prepared to supply a very nutritious imitation of human milk. r Perhaps, before long, they will supply the milk of human kindness? 48 [July 30, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. BREAKING THE ICE. Alderman Qolbiiis (toith friendly wink, to our Youthful Poet). "I SAY, you don't horfen git Turtle Soup, younc: Max, / know!" ON THE LAWN. (Goodwood, 1881.) Mrs. Lankaslre Gayte. Pray enioy yourselves as well as yon can, good people. But, dear me! Goodwood is not what it was. It is quite invaded by tho lower orders—by the canal. Miss Hurley. Bad as our dear hostess's English is, it is better than her French. Mr. Albany. It couldn't be worse. But in this case the mistake was pardonable, for her father was a bargeman on the Basingstoke Canal. Miss JTarley. Really! I always thought he had been a convict! How did he make his money? Mr. Albany. Thieving, of course. No man can make a quarter of a million honestly. But what are our fellow-guests saying? Miss Torrington. Dear, dear Goodwood! I think I "chiefly like it because it is the end of that dreadful " season." And really Society exacts so much from one nowadays that it will be quite a comfort to be actually able to sleep, and not have to dress more than four times a day. Miss Harley. She is a niece of old Gatte's, and what Society has exacted from her has been to drop in once or twice in the evening after her aunt's dinners, a picnic given by a third-rate solicitor at Burnham Beeches, and a couple of dances at Willis's. As for dressing four times a day, if she had four dresses worth looking at, she would think herself nearer heaven than she is ever likely to be. Mr. Albany. Well, she is well enough dressed to-day. That cool cream and delicate olive-green are Miss Harley. Tottenham Court Road, if not Edgeware. But no man will ever understand the mysteries of dress, fhave heard men say to their wives, "Mv dear, I saw a lovely dress in a shop-window marked thirty-five shillings." What they thought was fl lovely" was the thirty-five shillings. Fancy a dress out of a shop-window! Mr. Albany. All the same, it is wonderful how the lower middle class girls do make themselves so well-looking. But whj is Miss Tobrington here? • Miss Harley. Loo Torrington? Because Loo Torrington is twenty-six, and her aunt wants to get her married. Mr. Albany. Money? Miss Harley. Not a penny. Her father is in the Custom House, opens your trunks, I suppose, and rumples your pet things if the man of your party is too mean or too foolish not to give him a sovereign to pass your luggage, and she is one of eight, and all the boys have gone to the bad. Of course, if she marries, which some- how those women with red hair and green eyes— What? you thought her like Ellen Terry? She is more like that jockey there—manage to do, it will be one less for her aunt to keep. I don't know why it is, but one has to look after one's relations. Mr. Camden. It is our national sport. The love of horse-racing is inbred within us. I adore it. My Mecca, my shrine, the town I love beyond all others is Newmarket. Mr. Albany. Where a Civil Service clerk with a hundred and thirty pounds a year is naturally in the habit of going. Mrs. Portsdown. Of course you were at Ascot < Mr. Camden. Would I miss it? Rather would I forfeit my life than be absent from Royal Ascot,'though perhaps it would have been better if I had, for we poor plungers suffered terribly, and had it not been for the Jews, I don't know where my monkey on Monday would have come from. Mr. Albany (sotlo voce). From Somerset House, if you had happened to be coming out. A monkey! He wasn't at Ascot at all, and he had one sovereign on Petronel for the Cup. Mrs. Portsdown. I near, Mr. Camden, that you are a dreadful gambler. Mr. Camden. I can't help it. It is the fault of our family. Mr. Albany. Camden with a family! He will talk of the family crest next. Mrs. Lankastrc Gayte. Law, dears, here is the Prince! How well he is looking! Mr. Camd-en. Did you see his bow to me? He has a wonderful memory for faces. Miss Harley. He has had so many opportunities of seeing Mr. Camden's—or ones like his—in hairdressers' windows. Oh! there's the beautiful Mrs. Alderney! Mr. Albany. Pretty woman, I always think. Miss Harley. I admire none of the professional beauties; but she would look very nice, or, to use the new word, very "snappy" on board a yacht. Mr. Albany. You mean that her superb figure in a jersey—i— Miss Harley. No, I mean that she would make one feel so safe; for in case of a wreck, six or seven people could easily be accommo- dated in one of her boots. Mr. Albany. Feminine jealousy. You would give your soul to be in her place. Miss Harley. Having received a higher education, and been taught to believe that I have no soul, possibly I would give what I haven't got. Mr. Albany. There's the horn! Miss Harley. I suppose we must get up an interest in this stupid racing. Thanks. \ es—three dozen to one in long gloves. FROM OUR ASTRONOMER. What news of the second Comet? I 've got none, Sir. Yon asked me to go out in the evening and be sure take a good glass. I did both. I took several flasses: strong ones. I 've een out night after night and taken my glasses stronger and stronger, but I can't see that second Comet. Where is it? I tried to see it from Green- wich, where the Observa- tory is, also the Trafalgar. As I couldn't dine at the Observatory, I was com- pelled to try and see the Comet from the Trafalgar. Tried it also from Pur- fieet: delightful fish curry at Wingeove's, quite as hot as the Comet. Glasses not too strong here. Pommert, I think, '74 or thereabouts. Delightful evening, saw'a lot of things from that balcony, but not the Comet. Tried experiments at Hampton Court. Sadler's Pommery glasses here: rather stronger, but though we took it in Magnums, I missed the second Comet, and the last train. Where is the second Comet? Let me know directly you hear. lively weather for the river and sea-side. Shall try and get a glimpse of it from the sea-side. "THE CHILDREN'S CRY." The Punch Fund for this thoroughly deserving object now amounts to over two hundred pounds. Mr. Punch has the greatest pleasure in announcing that he has been enabled to afford material aid towards the expenses of an "outing " for the schools in the most populous and the poorest quarters. At St.. Jude's, Whitechapel, they have tried what appears to be an excellent plan of outings. To all interested in such matters, we recommend the Reverend Milks Atkinson's Pamphlet on the subject. He manages to give a Stay in the country instead of a Day. But, in this weather, if it's only a day, what a real holiday to the children! IT To roaiKnr-OTDisTS.— The Editor doa not \otd hime'f bound to acknowledge, return, or pay for ConlrUndiont. In no cau can theet be returned unltu accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope. Copies eliotdd be kepi. August 6, 1881.] 49 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. WEATHER PROSPECTS. Rather Fresh—Cloudy and Glass Rising—a Light Breeze, Glass Falling—Stormy, with Cool, but Threatening. with some Showers. much Rain. Very Sultry—Electrical dis- turbances of the Hair. A Strong Galo, then settled. Dull, with marked depres- sion—Cool and Fair. RULES FOR GENERALS ON THE RETIRED LIST. (1.) They will be allowed to retain the seats they have ocoupied for years past in the Service Clnbs, and will be permitted to grumble as much as ever over the decadence UUl IV Lll LUGJT "I.". 1U ( lhCt| I'VJ \.l_ (l.Tl. L" "V1H I i: 111.11' I. 1 11 I'W'.'IV wouldn't have allowed it, Sir, and they wouldn't have dared to try it on in Aw day, Sir!" (3.) They will not be restrained from joining; the Board of any new Company of Limited or unlimited liability, that is in want of really capable, useful, and practicaLDirectors. (4.) They will not be debarred from.writing to the papers laudatory letters of one another. (5.) They will .be permitted to become county magistrates to the great delight of wife- beaters, and to the abject terror of starving pilferers of half-pennyworths of carrots and mangel-wurzel. (6 and lastly.) If they find their ample leisure very wearisome, they will be permitted to learn, as a novelty, something of the rudiments of the science of the profession of which they were once ornamental rather than useful members. DRAMATIC NOTES. Flats, at the Criterion Theatre, by Mr. Sims, is very ingenious, a trifle confusing perhaps, but excel- lently played, and full of bustling fun, from the base- ment to the attic. By the way, how good the perform- ance in the orohestra is here. Why not change the name of your Theatre, Mr. Wyndham? Call it the Laughterion Theatre, and^omit the " Cri " altogether. At the Gaiety the full band of the Forty Thieves nas returned to town: the Foreigners have'left, and the Farren-ers have resumed their places. Kathleen Mavourneen—we mean Kate Ma-Vaughaheen—reappears, of course, as Morgiana. Imprudence, at the Folly, we ve not yet seen. Messrs. Meeeitt and Harris's Youth comes out next Saturday. He ought to have been out now, so he's a backward Youth. NOTES FEOM THE piARY OF A CITY WAITER. As we was rather slack a few weeks ago, I was left in charge of one of the nicest tho' smallest Tawerns in the City. I never menshuns no names, fabbylus sums has been offerd to me to do so, but no, so long as, by your kindness, I am red in the face of all Urope, so to speak, I shall decline to give up Litterytoor and take to Lying in the shape of puffs. Well, I was just aranging our comfortable little Coffee Room, when a Forren Gent comes in and says to me, says he, " Can I have a nice reel English dinner for 4 in a nours time?" "Yes, Sir," I says, "that you can." "Very well," says he. "then I leaves it all to you, but everythink must be of the best." All right, Sir," says I, and away he goes. Well, 1 sits myself down afore the Fire, as I always does when 1 wants to think deeply, and then down I goes to the Cook and gives him my orders. At 6 o'clock sharp in they all 4 comes a talking and a larfing together, but not one word could I understand. Well, down they sets and I gives 'em reel Turtel Soup, and then a lovely Turbut and then such a reel English Rum Stake as no Frenchman ever seed in his own Country, with about 3 duzzen reel English Native Oysters, and I gives 'em only jest a nice slice apiece out of the middle, and then a second Stake just off the Fire just as they was reddy for it, and then lots of Game. They had Punch with their Turtel, and a bottle of Joe Hanny's Berg with the Fish, a bottle of our oldest Shampayne with the Stakes, a bottle of Burgundy with the Game, and just one glass apiece of our 47 Port with their cheese. I gave em for Desert, 2 grand bunches of lovely English Hottus Grapes, and a dish of reel English Wornuts and 4 a duzzen Peers. Good grashus me! how they did talk and how they did eat, and how they did larf and how they did drink! They had 3 more bottels of the 47 Port with the Desert, had a cup of Corffee and a glass of green Charterhouse, and then the Head Gentleman says to me, Bring the bill if you please." I am afraid I looked just a little reddish as I gave it to him, for it come to £10. 5. 0.! He just glanced at the footof it and he says, says he, "Waiter, what 'syour name?" "Robert. Sir," says I, rayther in a tremble. "Well, Mr. Robert," says he. allow me to shake hands with you, and to say that you have given us the best dinner we ever had in all our lives." And then he acshally shook hands with me! He then said some gibberish to his friends and they all stood up and shook hands with me! and one of 'em said " Robber twa cur shame!" I think he must have been a sort of Scotch Frenchman, like Squinting Durward, as my hoy William was a reading about last week. Of course I didn t know a bit what he meant, but this I know, that the Head Gent took out his purse and gave me two £5 notes and a suwerain, and throw- ing the Dill back said, "I don't want that, and keep the change for your trubbel!" and away they went, larfing away just as they had dun all dinner time. Well, it's bin my good fortun to wait on hundreds of the gratest men in the country, Lord Mares by the duzzen and Aldermen and M.P.'s by the score, but, to my thinking, the finest spesemen of a Reel Gent, one of Natur's Nobbleems, was the Forren Gent as not only shook hands with me, a poor umbel Waiter, but gave me 15/- as he said for my trubbel. Ah what a World it would be if all Gents was like that Gent! {Signed) Robert. SMOKE! "Dr. Siemens moved a resolution declaring that the present smoky con- dition of the atmosphere of London had an injurious effect upon the health and happiness of the community, besides destroying public buildings, dete- riorating perishable fabrics, and entailing unnecessary expenditure."—Times. If you ask me why I pine, Why so pale this cheek of mine, Why I never feel quite well, Dr. Siemens bids me tell, Loss of health, and that's no joke. Comes from all this nasty Smoke! If you note my pensive mood, Why I oft refuse my food; While my gown, like my poor face, Loses tone and wears apace; Blame the city's inky cloak— All this mischief comes from Smoke! If you see yon fair Town-hall Crumbling to its final fall; While repairs for which we pay More expensive grow each day; Little wonder that we croak, All that ruin comes from Smoke! Men of Science! now we plead, Help us in our urgent need; Clear the smoke-clouds off which fall Round us like a sable pall: Savants.' we your aid invoke, Save us from this plague of Smoke! "A Word with Alderman Nottage.' The Clerk to the Justices at Guildhall writes to say, that the De- fendant (in the case we mentioned in our last) was "not taken into custody for asking a Policeman for his number," but " for resisting a Police Officer in the execution of his duty." Possibly the sai e idea—to the Policeman. J But "Justice to the Magistrate," by all means, as he can't have too much of it. VOL. LXXXI. 00 a w 5 o M B Pi O a o 12; Ph I id X t- DC o o: cr UJ ui x I- August 6, 188L] 51 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. &m+y 1**~Cy /&9f» THE CLYDE. BEAUTIES OF SCOTCH SCENERY AS SEEN BY OUR ARTIST. A PROTEST. Deab Me. Punch, Did you see the picture iu last week's Illustrated London News, called A Midsummer Night on the Terrace of the House of Commons"? Young and old Members enjoying themselves with ladies who, I am perfectly sure, are neither their wives nor their sisters—they may be convenient cousins—and only one elderly Chaperone, who ought to be ashamed of herself. Tumblers of iced drinks with straws in them—it's the hwt straw that shows which way the wind blows—coffee, cigars, and, i" think, one of the cousins with a cigarette in her hand. I can't see it, but it is suggested by the attitude, and / am sure it'« there. Pretty goings on, indeed! Is this what keeps them so late? Are these ladies the real obstruc- tionists? I 'm disgusted. Was it for this that my husband, M.P. for Stow-in-the-Hole, sent me down to our country house and regretted his inability to accompany me because he couldn't "find a pair" f But the Illustrated has done us poor wives good sendee. It ought to have called itspicture " Pairs." "Pairs," indeed !— more like apples, I mean " The Forbidden Fruit." But not another day do I remain at The Moated Grange, Stow-in-the-Hole, as sure as my name 's Maeiaka. A PROMISING PLANT. The suggestion made by the World, that somebody should turn Baker Street into a Boulevard, is excellent. And in the recent hot weather no idea could have been happier. That a Londoner should be able to sit out and enjoy himself anywhere in the hot evening air, save on his own doorstep, seems to open up whole vistas of new social enjoyment. But why stop at Baker Street? Why indeed stop at a Boulevard? Why not let half-a-dozen military bands play every day in the Parks and Gardens of the Metropolis f Why not illumi- nate the" Zoo" and the " Horticultural." and give good musio at cheap prices in the Continental style? So plant the trees in Baker Street as soon as possible. If in a day or two, as will probably be the case, it should be impossible to sit out after seven without a hot water bottle and an ulster, what of that? Let the wax figures from Madame Tussaud's have an airing. Anyhow, let the movement commence, and who knows but before long the note of the nightin- le^may itot be heard in the Lowther Arcade, and even the City be mercifully covered up in ivy? PREPARING TO RECEIVE BRADLAUGH. {Extract from the Diary of the Sergeant-at-Arms.) Monday.—Up early. Practised with dumb bells. Walked two miles. Had half-an-hour with the gloves and the Professor—an ex-member of the P.R. Missed my guard, and got a nasty one. The Professor doubts whether Be-dl-gh is up to the dodge. Hope he isn't. Rub down. Training-diet. Had a turn with Cornish Professional Wrestler. Threw me every time. The' Rest of the', Week.—Improving. Biceps firmer and firmer. On Wednesday propped the Professor with an upper cut that made him see stars. Gave him another, just as he was recovering, that made him see comets. We shook hands. He says I 'm his prize pupil. Be-dl-gh hasn't a chance with me. Experientia Gossstt. Thursday afternoon threw the Cornishman twice, and gave my Westmoreland Professor much better than he gave me, with a curious back-fall over the left hip, which is an invention of my own. If Be-dl-gh tries this, he's nowhere. Regret I can't teach my talented assistants in the House, but I 'm afraid they 're too old to learn. Gave 'em a set-to on Friday, just to see what they were made of, but they all fell about like ninepins. They '11 do very well to pick up my man, when 1 drop him, and their united efforts may carry him down-stairs (unless I 've previously saved them the trouble by sending him down flying—to t>e left in Westminster Hall till called for), and convey him to the Clock Tower, where he might feel inclined for a " wind-up," which would finish him. Keep up my training and my pecker till Be-dl-gh appears, and then, Uke the two gendarmes in Genevieve de Brabant— "I '11 run him in, I '11 run him in, For I am the Sergeant-at-Arms 1 Sergeant! did I say? Why by this time, with my biceps as hard as steel, and in my splendid physical condition plus my professional knowledge, I *m the Ser-^a«<-at-Arms, and I advise Daddy Long- legs who won't say his prayers to keep the SeT-gSant at arm s length, or I '11 take him by both legs, and .... but there—why boast ?—he won't be "in it" with me. After my easy victory I shall walk round and show my muscle. The Home-Rulers will tremble. Might exhibit Indian club-practice with the Mace. All in good time. At present I am prepared to receive Be-dl-gh. Me. O'Donovan Rossa's Motto.—" Dyna-mite is Right." r>2 [August 6, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED PROM THE DIARY OP TOBY, M.P. Monday, July 25.—Great Transvaal Debate to-night. Michael Hicks-Beach led off in speech of immense length and profound depth. The speech prepared some months ago, and not im- proved with keeping. It has lived night and day with Michael, and, naturally, has had most depressing effect. He will be better to-morrow, as a man is after he has been cupped. But it has been a Sheet Lightning. terrible visitation, and shows the malignant lengths to which politi- cal animosity may be pushed. The House had the speech for only an hour and a half, and withered under it. Yet they permitted the Government to compel Michael to go about with it for months, refusing him deliverance. No wonder his cheek has grown hollow, his eye glassy, and his step languid. Old Man of the Sea a trifle to it.(» But all over now; orator and speech doing well. "Reminds me of childhood's happy hour," Forster said whilst the Right Hon. Baronet was droning along. "Had a wicked nurse who threw a sheet over her head, put a phosphorus match in her mouth, whitened her face, and coming into the nursery in the dim twilight, made fearful inarticulate sounds rather alarming than pleasing to the infant mind." Really gives a very good idea of Sir Michael's style. Quite re- assuring to hear Alderman Fowler cheer. Been rather quiet of late. Am told that Baron De Worms and one or two other Members Bitting near have; represented to him the necessity of moderating his transports. But to-night a great occasion, and the Alderman in full cry. Also Colonel Makins, who, as Wilfrid Lawson says, has in him the makings " of a great orator, only he rarely gets beyond Hear! hear!" Mr. Warton absent during the early part of the debate, but came in in time to settle the Premier. In line form to-night. Full of exquisite humour. Joke is when Gladstone is making a point, to break in with cries of " Oh I Oh!" or with the loud laugh which Mr. Goldsmith says speaks the vacant mind. So successful to-night, that the baited Premier appealed to the Speaker. This looked serious; and Mr. Warton was thenceforward dumb. But had done enough to establish his oharacter as wit and humorist in the mind of Mr. Whitley, and one or two others, who sit near him. Business done.—Tote of censure on Ministerial polioy set aside by a majority of 109 in favour of vote of approval. Tiiesday.—" Come on, Toby; there '11 be wigs on the green pre- sently. 'It was the voioe of Mr. Trevelyan, who passed on, hurrying into the House. I followed, marvelling. Lord Edmond Fitzmaurice is what is called a Whig. But he was not on the green. Simply on his feet. I suppose it was a quotation. Wish I had laughed, instead of looking stupid. Always laugh, or smile knowingly, when literary m" Young Swell (off-liandedly). "I ?—Oh, I 'm on the Stock Exchange." D. D. 0. L. "Ah ! the Stockixq Tradx I And a very good Tkade too!" OFFICIAL PROGRAMME OF THE INTERNATIONAL MEDICAL CONGRESS. First Day.—Grand Banquet. Interesting experiments with various wines. Confidential exchange of experiences after the thud bottle. Second Bay.—Grand Dejeuner. Surgical operations on cold fowls and raised pies. General investigation of "mixing." Valuable results obtained by taking a combination of champagne, sherry, port, claret, pale ale and chartreuse vert. Third Day.—Garden Party. Examination of the action of the muscles in the game of Lawn Tennis. Close study of strawberries and cream and cham- pagne cup. Supper experiment at the Albion. Extempore lecture upon the benefits to be derived by taking whiskey and water internally before retiring to bed. Fourth Day.—Select Dinner Party of savants interested in Food. Careful consideration of the effect upon the system of turtle soup, curried whitebait, canvas-backed ducks, and an entirely new and original with-your-cheese Eick-me-up made of sardines, olives, truffles, cayenne pepper, tomatoes, capers, erring-roes, fowls' livers, and tarragon vinegar. Human capacity for absorbing champagne in extra large doses practically tested. After the termination of the experiments, a long consultation with the Police. Fifth Day.—Psychological Pic-nic. Exercise of the nerve power of the lower limbs to the sounds of a Military band. Interesting operation of a quadrille, a polka, and a waltz. Day finished with a scientific supper. Pre- parations of different kinds of meat. Practical lectures upon the anatomy of the fowl, the duck, and the turkey. Experiments in wine temperature. Claret seventy, and champagne four degrees below zero. Perambulating difficulties, and optical delusions. Exercise of the vocal chords:—Subject —" We will not go home till morning." Sixth and last Day.—All the foreign doctors ill in bed, sending for all the English doctors. General prescription—Large doses of soda-water! Suggestion.—Why not revive, at the Grand Opera, Paris, the celebrated Italiano in Algeria? Just the time for it. Dangerous Babbel Organs.—The Dynamite came over from America in ; barrels labelled "Cement." The skirmishing Irish Nihilists have a playful l idea of cementing the friendship between the two countries. We should like ; to pile Pelion on Rossa, and shut him up effectually, if it be true that it is he I who has set in motion this infernal machinery. 54 [August 6, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. COMPARING NOTES. "A Doll Season? I think not! So many People have given Dancbs, you know!' "Not in our Set, at all events—for ws'tr not been asked to any!" THE C/iVTORSAKEN. Air—" The Forsaken." He stood beside St. Stephen's gate, His feet were near the portal's sill, And much he mused upon the fate Like to befall his cherished Bill. It entered. Mellow as a bell, His sweet voice followed in a song; "He will return, I know him well; He will not leave me here for long!" And there he stood as hours on rolled, Mindful of every groan and cheer; He heeded, not the heat, the cold, But Cairns's wrath and Salisbury's jeer. He heard the boom of the big bell, And still he piped the same sweet song— '' He will return, I know him well; He will not leave me here for long!" "He '11 never stay. In vain the hope They '11 let him pass unchallenged there. Amendments—changes—will he cope With all, in Carllngford's fond care? Would J were there, his foes to fell! But, weakened, or still stout and strong, He will return, I know him well. He will not leave me here for long!" Another Eastern Question. We have received a prospectus of the New Mustapha Hotel in Algiers. "The necessity for such a place," Bays 'Arry in Algiers, "is quite evident from the name, 'Mutt 'are a 'Otel.'" We haven't any interest in the " spec," but we hope shareholders will. NOTES FOR RIVER CURRENCY. Dramatic Authors find it difficult to invent a good title for a piece, and more difficult to get a good tag. Try Tagg s Island on a beauti- ful Sunday afternoon in summer-time. Sure to have an Inn-spira- tion, and plenty of it. Select company here: only the Tagg, very few of the Rag, and no Bobtail. In Charles Dickens's (Charles the Second's) generally excellent Guide to the Thames he, though a close observer, has not hit on the following remarkable fact:—When the weary and parched rower wants to find out that third-o'-the-way house where he may slake his thirst (" Slake " is a nice word—slaking with cider cup is an icerer) he has only to look out for somebody on the bank fishing, and behind that solitary fisherman is safe to be a public somewhere concealed. Land boldly, ask him, don't spare his blushes, and he '11 tell you. A Guide to the Thames.—Bravo, Mr. Charles Dickens! But why should Old Father Thames want a Guide at all! Let us consider "why." Well, Charles my friend, perhaps it is because he wanders. But he's not old—look at him now in this weather. Father Thames! Young Brother Thames! Sister Thames! See our " River Plate " this week. Who wouldn't like to be one of those Trespassers! As we look at them—and there are more where they came from, and a lot more hidden away on thiB Enchanted Isle—we feel—you feel— everyone feels—that he could go on trespassing until the shades of evening gather round, and we then cry out, " Beware! beware—of Rheumatics!" Trespassers Afghanistan. Latest News (by Russian wire).—Herat. Here-at-it again. Question to be asked by Mr. _Ashmead-Bartlett, M.P.—Can we apply to Abdurrahman to return the guns and rifles we gave him, when we presented arms to him as Ameer, as he has no further use for them. Question to be asked by anybody who has nothing better to do. —1b "A Durham Man" in England likely to sympathise with Ab-durrahMan, late of Candahar Y PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—August 6, 1881. a AU REVOIR! V W. E. G. (outside the House of Lords, sings confidently). "HE WILL RETURtf-I KNOW HIM WELL" {HE WILL—BUT HOW ?-P-xcn. August 6, 1881.] 57 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SEA-SIDE-SPLITTERS. ^2* Taking a Dip, and getting a Blow. A High Sea over the Bar. Mr. Woburn {dubiously) want rest and change. Certainly. {Conciliatory.) ,We all A UNITED FAMILY. {The Woburns talk over their Holiday.) Mrs. Woburn. You have not forgotten what I was Baying to you last night, Heitby P Mr. Woburn {jocosely). I have tried to forget most of what you said to me last night, my dear, and on the whole with considerable success. Mrs. Woburn {meaning business). The twenty -seventh of July is too late in the year for what you consider witticisms, which, as far as I can make out, are mainly repetitions of remarks made by omnibus-drivers to their conductors. George Woburn {aged nineteen, starting a subject suddenly). Tour ideas on the subject of breakfast, Mater, are limited in the ex- treme. You seem to think that with eggs, bacon, and ham you have exhausted the gamut. Louise Woburn {aged twenty). And a very good breakfast, too. You might remember how many poor people there are who are starving. George. Of all the senseless and idiotic reasons for giving a man bad food, that is the most senseless. How on earth should Ido any harm to a starving man by having a cutlet for breakfast! Mr. Woburn. Don't wrangle, George. It is a bad habit, and the sooner you get out of it the better. Your sister was perfeotly correct. We should think of those in poverty. I am delighted to see that Punch has got over two hundred pounds to take the poor children into the country; and I have not been bo proud for a long time as I was yesterday when I received an acknowledgment from the Editor for my modest donation. Five pounds is not much, but it will make many a little one happy. Louise. Five' pounds! And I had to decline Mrs. Russell's launch trip to Cliveden Woods, because I had got nothing to wear? Oh, Papa! George. Oh, you are selfish! I say in this case, Bravo the Governor! Louise. Perhaps you have given five pounds too? George. I most certainly should have, had Prudhomme won the Goodwood Stakes. Louise. Oh, spare us that horse-racing! Captain Nobbanck was only saying the other night, that at no time was stable talk pleasant, but that when it came from the lips of innocent children like you, it was positively dreadful. Mrs. Woburn. Of course, I am nobody in my own house, but when you two young people have quite finished snouting at each other across the table, perhaps you will let me ask when your father gave, what I must call for a man in his position, this munificent, this princely donation? Mr. Woburn. Why at Lodge the other night we all made a sub- scription. Mrs. Woburn. I thought so. You spent five pounds each on your dinner-— Mr. Woburn. Five pounds! The dinner cost five-and-twenty shillings a head, wine included. Mrs. Woburn. And a nice dinner it would be for a price like that! I see: and after that you all got very .... sentimental, and threw away your money. So what it comes to is, we shall not have that holiday. Mr. Woburn. What holiday? Mrs. Woburn. What holiday! As if at the end of July there was any use asking " What holiday?" Are we going to remain in London all August, like beggars? Mr. Woburn. Beggars, my dear, is not exactly the term to apply to the Houses of Lords and Commons, who are most certainly going to remain in town all August. 3frs. Woburn. That's so like a man's way of argument! But they 're paid to do it. Mr. Woburn {in a superior manner). Hired legislation is not yet a feature of English political life, I believe. Mrs. Woburn. Oh, they will be given offices and made Post- Office clerks if they stop. Well, never mind. I thought we four were going to have a nice pleasant holiday together. George. I won't"say anything about rest, though with Loos tongue going'all day the probabilities of that seem remote; but as for change, what change will there be in us four being together r As Jimmy Finchley , , , Louise. Is that the boy with the big feet, and with a perpetual cold in his head, who is always coming here with you? George. When I was a child, it was considered rude to make personal remarks. Louise. Ah, there have been lots of alterations in the last six weeks, the Comet's gone, and all sorts of things.! George. Well, Jimmy Finchley says, that the great secret of a holiday is to get away [from one's family. He has chucked over his people. I mean, they are going to the sea-side, and he's going to run over to Holland for a fortnight, and has asked me to go with him. Mr. Woburn. If he can afford it you can't. Louise. I forgot to tell you that I received a letter from Cissie Cubzon last night, asking me to Btop with them in Norfolk for a month. . « «. Mrs. Woburn. You will write this morning, Louise, and decline the invitation. I dislike Miss Cubzon excessively. {To her husband.) Now, when shall we start, dear? Mr. Woburn {hesitating). Ah, my darling, you will have to go before me. (With a more decided air.) You see business is so un- settled just now that I might be summoned at any moment to the Continent. {Persuasively.) If you were to run down first—— Mrs. Woburn. {with determination). Henby, out of this house neither I nor my children stir without you. You are the head of the family, and your proper position is at the head of the family. Are you anxious to get rid of us? Mr. Woburn {much hurt—evidently). My dearest, how can you talk so? (Pleasantly.) When will you be ready to start r Mrs. Woburn. This day week. Mr. Woburn. That means in a fortnight. Mrs. Woburn. It means this day week. Mr. Woburn. And where are we going? Mrs. Woburn. Where we have often talked of going—perhaps you can guess. George. The Workhouse? . Mrs. Woburn. How can you be so silly! North Wales. Mr. Woburn. A very good idea, indeed. {Aside.) It is a deuced out-of-the-way place, but there must be some route from there to Paris. I must see old Dick Gobbon about it. George. We ought to have some very good fun there. {Aside.) I can lose my way and get over to Holland with Jimmy somehow. I '11 look him up to-night. Louise. It ought to be very jolly, Mamma, and I can have such capital sketching from nature. {Aside.) I '11 write to Cis and tell her I will manage to come down to Norfolk. [Exeunt severally to make their own separate arrangements. CARICATURISTS DUELLING. M. Alfbed le Petit, the French caricaturist, having drawn Italy pour rire, has had to draw swords and encounter Signor Makfbebo Bassetti and other enraged Italians in a series of duels. M. Le Petit remains, up to our latest information, victorious—quite a Petit Maitre-d'armes. In view of this fashion, of the caricatured challenging the caricaturist, reaching England, Mr. Punch ha* insisted on all his Artists at once taking lessons with various kinds of weapons, rapiers, broadswords, bayonets, quarter-staves, (to crack knaves' costaTds withal") pistols and bowie-knives. Mr. J-hn T-nn-el, our eminent Cartoonist, can already snutt a candle at ten paces, and pink his man so as to leave him quivering on a daisy in something less than five seconds, the salute included. He has also a special weapon for making a big cut. Mr. K.L. S-mb-rne, is gradually acquiring proficiency in the use ot the battle- axe, in case he should be challenged by the Right Honourable W. E. Gl-dst-ne, who will be touched by the courtesy that selects his own favourite weapon. It is a pretty sight to see Mr. E. L. 8-mb-bhe s experiment with an axe on a wood-block. Mr. G.Du M-b-r has selected a blunderbuss of ancient pattern; his idea being to scatter his enemies and make them fall. Mr. C. K-ne is in the country, exercising a chariot with scythes attached to the wheels: this will be really formidable. The rest are employed practising cute—^the unkindest cute of all—in every direction. Motto for the Artists generally, " Draw—and defend yourselves!" Ramsbothamiana — Mrs. Ramsbotham told her Niece that she had heard there was to be "An Exhibition of Eccentricity" in Pans this month. It's not improbable, in view of the French Elections; but the excellent Mrs. R. meant "Electricity." Dangerous place, Paris, though, for this sort of thing. 58 [August 6, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. AN. ILL-USED INVENTOR. An ingenious Austrian re- cently invented a new soporific which he appropriately called the Bandiger or "tamer," as a few drops sprinkled on a man's head completely stupe- fied him. But instead of being hailed as a benefactor of his species, this unfortunate che- mist was warned that if he did not give up his experiments, and if he communicated his secret to a living soul he would be treated as a criminal. Why doesn't this ill-used genius come here and bring the Ban- diger along with him? It must be a sublime invention! Think of the glorious effect it would have on Messrs. Healy and Biggab, on Lord Ran- dolph Churchill, and Sir H. D. Wolff, on certain mem- bers of the Corporation of London, on London and Pro- vincial Vestrymen, on Beadles of all kinds, and even on pri- vate bores, who meet us in Society and at Clubs. Let this Austrian bring the Bdn- diger here as soon as he likes, it is much wanted in this country. Topical Heat. The weather lately has been more Topical than Tropical. The excessive heat has ex- ceeded anything ever regis- tered in Iceland, and has necessitated extra furs and warm under-clothing. Pro- vision merchants and cooling drink manufacturers have not been the only sufferers. Seve- ral thousand magazine and newspaper articles and jokes, to say nothing of illustrations, have been thrown on the hands of the producers. INDUCEMENT TO PURCHASERS. The Index to Treyelyan's Life of Lord Macaulay is published, and the price is a little more than the cheap edition of the entire work! PUNCH'S FANCY PORTRAITS.-No. 43. MR. W. S. GILBERT. But in spite of some Temptations To Translations and Sensations, He remains A SoRCEB^s Young Man, A Pinafore Pirates Man, a brilliant what i call quite idi-yacht-ic'al Ballady Bab Young Man. MARKETS AND MUSEUMS. It matters little what con- clusion the City_ Corporation may arrive at with regard to Billingsgate and the Fish Supply. London has deter- mined to have more markets better distributed; and as everything goes to South Ken- sington, the first effort in. this direction will be made in the kingdom of King Cole. It is only the other day, when the New Central College for Tech- nical Education was founded, that the City Guilds were charmed out of something like £80,000 for this favoured neighbourhood, and the first rival of any importance to Billingsgate will probably be an artistic structure, standing not far from the so-called Haughty-cultural Gardens, where the somewhat rough persons engaged in the pur- chase and sale of fish, will be brought within the range of the most refined and refining educational influences. A New Hide-a. The Serpentine—so called, because it is about as straight a river or pond as anyone can find with a Cook's Universal Excursion Ticket—is the great washing-tub of Whitechapel during the Summer months. Bathing, before an uncertain hour in the morning, and after an uncertain hour in the even- ing, is there conducted with such primitive simplicity, that the place must in future be called Hide Park. Recent A-r-h-y Classi- fication.— Mr. Childebs' revised scheme is published, and it involves a free use of the Alphabet. There are the I.O.U. South-West Infantry, theR.S.V.P. Eastern Artillery, and the P.P.C. North-Eastern Light Cavalry. Let us hope that they will all turn out XXX. RULES OF THE RIVER. [As tluy Are, and ought Not to be.) Row-Boats [concluded). Both OuruAand Oscar Wilde are agreed that " the world is very old and sad and sick, and there is no laughter left upon it," save what may be derived from the perusal of the pathetic portions of the ■works of the above talented authors, therefore do your little best to j *? -ltB n"rtn> Relate loudly and affably how you were having'' gins and bitters all over the shop" yesterday afternoon, and you were wholesomely "screwed" when you dined at the Criterion, and had no end of lush" over at the Pavilion .where you heard Macdermott and Ahthub. Roberts—give imitations of both—and then had a jolly row, and nearly got " run in," at the top of Waterloo Place; and that after that you are hanged if you know how you got home. It is almost a proverb that the faithfully kept diary of the dullest man's life wul be found full of interest and amusement; and despite Sir Ueorge Dasent's attempt to falsify this aphorism by the publica- tion of Anna!* of an Uneventful Life, lots of people still believe in it, and will gather from your fragments of autobiography much to cheer what might otherwise have been long and dreary nours. When camping out or pic-nicking, always choose the best kept grounds for landing on. This will show you appreciate their owner's taste and his gardener's labour. And the latter's little boy will thoroughly enjoy olearing away the empty bottles, greasy bits of paper, meat-bones, legs of fowls and fragments of straw, which you will of course leave behind you. Be affable in your intercourse with strangers. Anything is fun in the country, and a great fund of amusement will be imparted to a pic-nic party, by your informing the oldest and staidest member of it that his gas has been cut off in his absence. Narrating to a Gentleman who is accompanied by a Lady that his wife is coming up after him in a steam launch, or that her big brother is waiting for him at the next lock with a thick stick, will throw a fresh sensation into their probably jaded careers. And it is a positive sin to leave the poor solitary angler alone. Both he that throws the fly, and he who watches the float, will be enlivened by such remarks as "Hullo, Isaac Walton Junior, you are making a mess of it," or "How much a pound for salmon?" or " My eye, old cove, you just missed that whale." Rowing isa sport which costs money, but the poor man can enjoy it equally with the millionnaire. Say you are a poor man: you hire a boat at Shepperton or Hallif ord, and pull down to Ta«r s Island; there you land, go away, and say no more about it. This saves a lot of nasty disagreeable wrangling as to how long you have been out on the water. Should any proprietor of boats want money in advance, immediately withdraw your patronage from him. Verb. tap. pro tern. August 6, 1881.] 59 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. "SUPPLY." Parish Clerk {at Vestry Meeting on the Question of Organ-Blower's Salary—the Hector in the Chair). "You 8KB, Sir, IT isn't as if these was only the hymns, but there 's the comin in, and the goin' out, and the 'sfonses, and the prayers, and they Psalms take a won'erful Deal o' Wind!" SOMETHING LIKE A (BANK) HOLIDAY. Model Dwelling Houses, August 1st, 1881. Dear Molly, You know as how I don't like to break a promise when I have once made it, though I am a bit done up. So here goes to tell you how I 've been enjoying of myself these twenty hours and more. Relaxation—that's what I 've been having—genuine relaxation! And welcome too after the out-of-doors knocking about me and my mates have to get through everyday of the blessed year—barring Sundays and these here Bank Holidays. I am sure we are very much obliged to Sir John Lubbock, and we only wish the other "barts " were more like him! You may bet that I was up betimes this morning. As I was out of bed a good while before the excursion started for Brighton, I thought I would do a little bit of digging in my garden plot—which is likely to get forgotten when I nave other jobs on hand. So I turned the ground about before breakfast. But that didn't prevent me cleaning up and being down at London Bridge just before they closed the barriers. If I didn't get a seat in the train what was the odds? There was a lot of chaps that had to stand too, as the train was a bit crowded. But the hours passed as quick as thought, what with the songs, and the jokes, and the laughter. When we got to the coast, as a matter of course, I took a stroll into the Aquarium, and the Pavilion, over the Downs, and to the Devil's Dyke and back. Then, after walking on the two Piers, I thought it was about time to have a dip in the sea. I had a good swim! But I was Boon out of the water and on it, a pulling a select party of twenty for half an hour or so. When we landed, who should I see but cousin Jim, who, although he's settled at Brighton, still keeps his hand in at crioket. Thinking I shouldn't mind a game myself, I stood for a chap who didn't turn up as Square Leg, and the balls being lively, did a good deal of running before it was dinner-time. When I got to Jim's I found I had lost the half of my return ticket! Here was a pretty to-do! But it didn't matter much, as Jill had a bicycle which he said I could take back to London, to wait for him there until he had time to ride it back. So up I got as fresh as paint, and spent the next five hours a going up hill ana down dale, and through a lot of villages. When I got home, who should I find waiting for me but Bob, who belongs to our Volunteer Corps. "Jack," says he, "you ain't turned up these three weeks—come and do a bit of Battalion Drill to please our blessed Adjutant." "Anything for a quiet life," says I, and I puts on my uniform, and joins Bob in a regular field-day 1 By this time I was a trifle done up. So I tells Bob that I wouldn't go to the Music Hall this time, for I remembers too that I had promised to write to you. So here I am with the blessed paper before me a telling you all about it! So as I am a bit tired, no more for the present from Your Affectionate Cousin, Jack. P.S. I only hope you have enjoyed your Bank Holiday as much as I have. I don't know what we labouring folk would do with our every-day hard work, if we didn't have a little real rest sometimes! CONVERSATION-BOOK FOR TRAVELLERS FROM NEW YORK TO LIVERPOOL. What is that peculiar fizzing sound going on inside that barrel labelled" Cement"? Our Captain has only found seventeen Infernal machines to-day, stowed away among the luggage. Why have they placed that large box containing "Best American Granite—with care," so close to those fires in the engine-room? My new anti-dynamite fire-and-water-proof suit of protective armour seems just a trifle heavy on deck in a broiling sun. Next time I shall certainly go to Europe vid San Francisco, India, and the Suez Canal. I should feel much safer if Mr. O'Donovan Rossa were on board. Now that we have got to the Liverpool Landing Stage, why are five policemen and a detective from Scotland Yard examining the inside of the baby's perambulator? 60 [August 6, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE DEFECTIVE POLICE. The seizure of infernal machines at Liverpool has been so clum sily and openly effected, that all traces of the ruffians who would doubtless nave claimed, them are probably lost. It is one thing Our s idea of Infernal Machines. to receive information, but another thing to know how to use it. A little less undisciplined energy, and a little more caution, would have done the State more service. The one ruffian, who, being beyond the reach of English law, avows with true Irish courage his connection, more or less, with these Bneaking attempts at wholesale murder, has been promptly "interviewed" in New York. How any respectable reporter can sink to the level of questioning such a crea- ture, and how any respectable journals can sink to the lower level of publishing his answers, is one of the mysteries of newspaper com' petition. THE TOURIST'S ALPHABET. (Railway Edition.) A is the affable guard whom you square: B is the Bradshaw which leads you to swear: C is the corner you fight to obtain: D is the draught of which others complain: E are the enemies made for the day: F is the frown that you wear all the way: G is the guilt that you feel going third: H is the humbug by which you 're deterred: I is the insult you'll get down the line: J is the junction where you '11 try to dine: K is the kettle of tea three weeks old: L are the lemon drops better unsold: M is the maiden who says there's no meat: N is the nothing you thus get to eat: 0 is the oath that you use—and do right: P is the paper to which you dorit write: ft are the qualms to Direotors unknown: E is the row which you '11 find all your own: S is the smash that is "nobody's fault:" T is the truth, that will come to a halt: TJis tie pointsman—who's up the whole night: Vis the verdict that says it's "all right." W stands for wheels flying off curves: Xfor Express that half shatters your nerves: Y for the Yoke from your neck that you fling, and Z for your Zest as you cut the whole thing! Culinary Martyrs. "In order to relievo the funds of the Land League, the 'suspects' im- prisoned in Ireland have determined in future to accept the prison fare at all meals except dinner."—Times, July 29. We 're not as wo should like to be, each day becoming thinner, And so we '11 take the prison tea, and give up eggs and toast; The breakfasts and the suppers here shall serve us, but for dinner The League must Btill supply the funds,—for soup, and fish, and roast; "With just a little entree, then a salad and cheese fritter. The courage of a martyr must be kept up to the point; To noble souls imprisonment is always very bitter, But think of dining every day, and always having joint! Hoe Dear \—" Shall Drake have a statue P" Yes, if we hoe him one, at the Hoe, Plymouth. Its in the very fitness of names. The hoe and rake, and the debt's paid !—Yours, Baron d'Hanwell. LAYS OF A LAZY MINSTREL. The Letter. Dear Punchy,* My boy, are you crazy? Why write in these bright Summer days, And reproach me for being so lazy? You pay me on purpose to laze! My Pegasus won't bear a bridle, A bit, or a saddle, or shoe. I 'm doing my best to be idle, And sing from my bass-wood canoe! The Lay. Oh Summer is sweet, and its skies are so blue— The days are so long, and my heart is so light, When drifting about in my bass-wood canoe! I 'm skipper, and pilot, and cargo, and crew. The breeze is so pleasant, the sun is so bright— Oh Summer is sweet, and its skies are so blue! I glory in thinking there's nothing to do. 1 moon and I ponder from morn until night, When drifting about in my bass-wood canoe! My face'and my hands are of tropical hue. In spotless white flannel my limbs are bedight. Oh Summer is sweet, and its skies are so blue! But oh itis pleasant to dream the day through, Half-hidden by rushes, and well out of sight, When drifting about in my bass-wood canoe! I orush the white lilies, 'tis almost "too too ;" I dream to the song of the dragon-flies' flight— Oh Summer is sweet, and its skies are so blue! I know that my " copy" is long overdue; But who but a tyrant expects me to write? When drifting about in my bass-wood canoe! So, if you want verses, send quick, I pray you, An iced short-hand writer, and bidliim indite. Oh Summer is sweet and its skies are so blue! Somewhere on the Thames, I can't give you a clue, Be able to find me, he possibly might, When drifting about in my bass-wood canoe! And if he is pleasant, and I 'm in the cue, Through azurine smoke he may hear me recite— Oh Summer is sweet, and its skies are so blue, When drifting about in my bass-wood canoe! The Libation. Your health, dear old Punchy, I heartily quaff In bountiful beakers of shandean-gafi! * This is familiar. We only wrote to the Minstrel Buoy at the Nore, or wherever he was, saying, " Now, Lazy Bones, wake up!" We called him '' Bones," though we admit " Guitar" would have been more elegant. Being evidently a wanderer, or a Bohemian Boy, there is something of the " Gitafio" about him.—Ed. Naturalistic Information. "The Worm will turn." So will milk, if it's only kept long enough. A Correspondent, signing himself "The Little Natu- ralist," writes to say, a propos of this proverb, that "he has never yet seen a Worm turning, though he has a lathe on the premises." On the strength of this proverbial authority, we firmly believe that Worms will turn if they 've only got the chance. But we can positively swear to having seen one "join;" and all by itself, too! Gas and Water. When the weather is exceptionally foggy and dark, there is always a cry of "No Gas!" and when the weather is elocutionally hot, there is a cry of " No Water!" The only cry we miss in excep- tionally dark or exceptionally hot weather, is the pry of " No Divi- dends!" However much the poor, ill-treated, under-paid, and muoh-abused Gas and Water Companies may suffer, they never complain. kW To OoiBjWTonnn»- ■Tkt Sditor doe removed only in the case of all nations, from China to Peru, simultaneously agreeing to adopt them. 4. A very moderate duty to be levied upon all schemes for clogging tho wheels of the Juggernaut of Progress which may emanate from foreign countries, the same being admitted free from all parts of our own Empire prepared themselves to adopt them. This League is to be affiliated with the National Fair Trade League, an Association formed on similar principles but with more limited scope. A donation fund of £10,000 a-year is to be raised for five years, so as adequately to fight the battle of Anti-Progress. A large portion of this is to be in the hands of a Special Partington- ( ommittee, to be expended in the purchase of mops and brooms for sweeping back the tide of Improvement. Among the larger sub- scriptions to the fund are £2000 from Mr. S. Ticklnthemud, Han- well, £1000 from Mr. E. C. Crawle, the Treasurer, and £500 each from Sir Timothy Stoppem, Bart., and Mr. Blocker, M.P. August 13, 1881.] 63 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. "THE LITTLE VULGAR (SCOTCH) BOY. It was a little vulgar boy, exceeding sharp, and Scotch, At Westminster Aquarium he stood the fish to watch. He willingly had got at them, but, helpless so to do, Indulged, like little vulgar boys in general, in " Yah-boo!" He was a very cock-nosed boy, which tempted him. no doubt, "To put his thumb unto that nose, and spread his fingers out." Says he, "0 yus, you look 0. K." (the boy meant " Orl Korreot") "You fanoy you 're big whales and things with backbones, I expect. Yah-boo! you flabby, flopping, floundering flats, as limp as small, You 're only helpless jelly-fish, with not no spines at all!" The creatures in the Tank appeared his cheek to quite enjoy, But took no other notice of that little vulgar boy. A REVISED VERSION. "Approbation from Sir William Harcoubt is praise indeed." Quotation from an adaptation of A Cure for the Heartache, to be called A Cure for the Marcourt, by the Right Hon. W. E. G. ONE OP BEN TROVATO'S. "After the Session," said the D-ke of Abg-ll, "I shall stay at the sea-side." "Another Sea-session'" exclaimed Prof. Th-e-ld R-q-rs. The D-ke smiled, and went jelly-fishing at a pastry-cook's. G4 [Augdst 13, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED PROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. Monday. August 1.—House of Lords full to-night, but chiefly of words. Wonderful what tremendous long speeches noble Lords make when they get a chance. "Don't often get one," Lord Cbanbbook says; "only about once in three years, when something's going to be destroyed. Then have the privilege of the Dying Gladiator, and are permitted to salute C^jesab in a few words before finally caving in." The few words grow into many. Doesn't seem to bo the thing in the Lords to speak under an hour. Lord Denman and Lord Stbatheden and Campbell look on, and shake their heads mourn- fully whilst the Marquis of Wateefobd pours forth a level torrent of illimitable speech. "They never listen to me like that," Lord Stbatheden says, "although I changed the cut of my coat to meet their prejudices, and though the topics I deal with are much more important. "And once they counted me out," says Lord Denman, with a tear in his voice. "And when I do speak, the newspapers never say anything more than ' After a few words from Lord Denman.'" Lord Wateefobd certainly is making the most of his innings. Seems that somebody is going to give somebody else "a lease for ever:" but that's no reason why his Lordship should go on for ever. Benches rapidly thinning. Lord Salisbuby solitary on the front bench, and Deginning to wish he had let the Duke of Richmond take the place of Leader. A garland of Ladies runs round the sombre House. "They sit there like Patience in the Gallery yawning at Watee- foed," Lord Duneaven says. Comicallest effect on the steps by the Throne where sit Staffoed Noethcote, W. H. Smith, and Lord" John Hannebs. Noethcote in the middle. Steps are low, and the three sit motionless with their knees curiously huddled up, staring vacantly into space. Fancy they're asleep. Very pleasing at first to ears aweary with the eloquence of Gladstone, and affronted by the constant cheering of the majority, to come into this place and hear without contradiction, how bad is the Bill, and how black the outlook. For first hour or two enjoyed themselves thoroughly. Then a sense of peace and rest stole over them, and like three storm-tossed mariners wrecked on Lotos Land, they wrapped them round with the poppy and the mandragora distilled from speeches two hours long, and sleeping, dream that Mr. Bbadlaugh is running off with Mr. Gladstone on his back, that Randolph and Mr. Healt have gone on a provincial tour with a cheap-jack establishment, and that the Irish Land Bill has been withdrawn. Business done.—Second Reading of Land Bill in the Lords. Wednesday.—Came down a little early to-day, thinking to bring up my •orrespondenc«,with my [constituents before Speakeb took the Chair. Curious coincidence; same idea ocourred to every- body else. The lobby, which at this hour on ordinary Wednesdays, is a wilderness, crowded with Members; all standing about chatting and thinking that, well now, they'll go into the Library and bring up their corre- spondence with their con- stituents. Just as I was going, who Bhould enter but Mr. Bead- laugh! Haven't seen him lately. Walked in with hasty step towards the door. Oddly enough here was Mr. Ees- xtne, ;Deputy-Sergeant-at- Arms, on his way to nis room, I suppose, to write up his cor- respondence. Also half-a- dozen messengers, and as many Police wrapped in silent meditation, wondering why, amid all this bringing in of Bills, no one introduced a measure permitting Police in uniform to buy postage-stamps at the rate of thirteen for a shilling. Mr. Bbadlaugh stood stock still in the middle of the Lobby, folded his arms, threw back his head slightly on one side, as if he were about to have his likeness taken. "Looks like Napoleon crossing the Alps," said Mr. Montague Scott, who, after looking all about the Lobby for a sycamore .tree, had climbed up one of the pillars and surveyed the scene at his ease. Mr.SnodgrassBradlaugh"aboutto begin." ( Vide Tickwici, Ch. xiiv.) No use going to write letters now. Speakeb be here in a minute. Everybody waited. Presently came the Speakeb, bowing right and left to the parted throng. Captain Gosset carrying the Mace with one eye shrewdly fixed on Bbadlaugh, who may have called for it. But Mr. Bbadlaugh smiles with friendly recognition on the Sergeant with whom he has had many a pleasant promenade up and down the floor of the House. Looks as if he would shake hands with the Speakeb, and finishes by bowing bareheaded like the rest. Speakeb gone in; prayers going on. But congregation remain outside. Per- haps we 'D go and write our letters yet, and it's no use disturbing the House by entering and leaving. "Mr. Speakeb in the Chair!" Then Mr. Bbadlaugh makes a forward movement. Mr. Montague Scott begins to wish he hadn't got on the pillar. He has cried "Oh! Oh!" against Mr. Bead- laugh; he has voted against him, and has consorted with Randolph and Waeton, and other eminent devotees. What if Bbadlaugh is now going for him with intent to lift him off the pedestal and per- adventure walk off with him? Much relieved to see him make for the door and the Deputy-Sergeant-at-Arms. "Ebsktne 's paid for it, dontcha," as Montague said, when subsequently relating his per- sonal experiences. The door dosed and barred. Mr. Eesktne stands squarely up, and Mr. Bbadlaugh continues his advance. Whereupon the messengers, roused from their meditation, fall upon him. The policemen, for- getful of their unfinished correspondence, close in upon him, and before Mr. Scott could scramble off the pedestal, Mr. Bbadlaugh was hustled towards the door, through which he disappeared, the centre of a mass of flushed faces, clenched hands, disordered neck- cloths, and stumbling feet. "Such a gettin' down-stairs!"—Alas! poor Messenger! No use now to go and write letters. Members stream into the House, others go pell-mell down the staircase after the intermingled mass of limbs, above which the red face of Mr. Bbadlaugh burns like a beacon. In the House matters go on with a pretty affeotation of there being nothing the matter outside. Someone asks a ques- tion about the Transvaal. The Peemiee replies amid a murmur of voices. Then Mr. Bbadlaugh's faithful colleague brings forward the matter on a question of privilege; and whilst the Speakeb is delivering his judgment on the case submitted, we can hear the sullen roar of the multitude outside who have just caught sight of their hero panting, hatlesa, dishevelled, with his coat torn, and his stylographic pen broken. Mr. Biggab's prophetio eye looking into the future, beholds the possibility of an unaesirable precedent being established. All Mr. Biggab's social and religious principles are hostile to Mr. Bbadlaugh. But statesmen must take a broad view of questions, and Mr. Biggab, with his thumb in the arm-hole of his waistcoat and his right hand extended to command attention, speculates on the probability of this hustling of an obnoxious Member becoming "a precedent." The House placing itself with its accustomed quickness at Mr. Biggab's Eoint of view, beholds in the dim future that estimable Gentleman orae shoulder high down the staircase by four messengers and a fringe of policemen. A hearty and prolonged burst of laughter breaks in upon the proceedings which, to tell the truth, had been a trifle tragic and a little sombre. Business done.—Mr. Speakeb's action re Bbadlaugh approved. House in Committee on Supply. Thursday Night.—The Lords have got the Land Bill all to them- selves now, and are gnawing it as if it were a toothsome bone. After weeks of anguished watching from the gallery in the other House, after seeing without power of protest all sorts of restrictions on August 13, 1881.] 65 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. the right of a man to do as he pleases with his own, the landlords have a fierce joy in playing with the Bill, and making it dance to their piling. Earl Gran villk brought in in a chair, and dropped on the Ministerial Bench; where he sits, genially smiling as it there were no such things as gout or Tory majorities. "The dear boys!" he said to Lord Carlingfobd, who was getting uneasy at the wreckage made of the Bill, "don't disturb them with regrets. It amuses them, and it won't permanently hurt the Bill." Business done.—Land Bill in Committee. His " deadly feint "—a Bright Idea. Friday.—House of Lords gone through Land Bill like a Malay goes through a crowd of his wife's relations. Lord Granville still sits smiling on the Ministerial Bench, with his legs bound in swaddling clothes and laid on a leg-rest. Curiously irritating effect this facial arrangement has upon Lord Salisbury. "What's Granville always grinning at?" the Marquis said gloomily to Lord Caikns. "Doesn t seem"to me that there's anything to laugh at in the way we 've chopped up the Land Bill. Looks as 2 he knew some joke that we should hear of presently. Hate a man who smiles when he ought to look cut up." Business done.—Land Bill passed through Committee. HISTRIONIC HOLIDAYS. They have given us cause for laughter and for tears that follow after, They have raised supreme emotion by their histrionic art; So, the London Season over, many an actor is a rover. And for Continent or sea-side taey are blithe to make a start. Bancroft goes to Pontresina with his wife, who oft has been a Star when acting there for Charity, and Irving sails away: Ellen Terry, rest much needing, to some quiet nook is speeding, Till the provinces will welcome them in many a famous play. Hare and Kendal too have left us, and the holidays bereft us Of bright Mrs. Kendal's presence; Booth has crossed Atlantic wave; But it seems as if The Colonel were to have a run eternal,* And Charles Coghlan still delights us with his manner cool and suave. All the Meininger have vanished, Sarah Bernhardt has been banish'd To provincial towns astonished at her weird expressive face; And there's Toole, that mighty mummer, rushed away to see if Summer Still exists in merry England in this present year of grace. And right well they 've earned their holidays—we trust they may be jolly days, They havo given us hours of pleasure, may their days as pleasant be. No rehearsals now can bore them, and no night-work loom before them, As they wander by the mountain or the ever-voiceful sea. • "Why cert'nly." Charming lines. Nice man this poet. So sensible, too.—Ed. Internationally medicated Notes. "The Largest Circulation in the World " was discovered by Har- vey. Dr. Virchow defends vivisection as necessary to Science. Bravo, Doctor! You need no praise from us, as " Virchow is his own reward." Says the same authority, "Every cell in the human frame is a seat of life." Ergo, the sum of all little cells must be one great cell. What is Life P One great " Bell." Nunc est bibendum. THE IRISH SOCIETY AGAIN. Mr. Punch a short fortnight ago descended from his high estate, and, thinking he saw a great probability of a great good being achieved by very simple means, condescended to address that very unimportant body named, somewhat doubtfully, the Honourable the Irish Society, and urged them to seize with avidity the opportu- nity the Court of Common Council had offered them, of at one and the same time assisting in the noble work now being done by a gracious Lady, in developing the Fisheries on the South-West Coast of Ireland, increasing the supply of Fish to this hungry Metropolis, and using for this purpose funds they are at present employing in a manner worse than useless. It appears, however, by the accounts of the extraordinary proceed- ings at the Court of Common Council last Thursday week, that the members of the Irish Society, who are all members of the Corpora- tion, mustered in great force, and, assisted by those Councilmen who hope to be members of the Society during the next year or two, practically rescinded the generous Resolution previously passed, and went home rejoicing in the prospect of still wasting their, funds as before, and themselves sharing in the spoil. As it seems from their published accounts that these very con- scientious Trustees have what they call a Visitation to Londonderry every summer, on which is expended nearly £800 out of the TruBt Funds they nave to administer for the benefit of Ireland, and actually expend for their attendance, fees, &c, nearly £600 more— the &c. being understood to include the cost of banquets for them- selves and their friends—the reasons for their otherwise inexplicable conduct are easily understood. The money proposed to be dedicated to as noble a purpose as money can well be dedicated to, might have somewhat entrenched upon the funds used for summer excursions and winter banquets, and so, on re-consideration, the Committee's favourable Report was at once negatived. At the same meeting, a resolution of thanks from the Grand Jury of the County of Galway, thanking the Corporation for their generous resolution of the previous week, was read, and the conscience-Btricken Common Councilmen refused to allow it to be printed in their Minutes! Mr. Punch feels that his disgust at these pitiable proceedings will be shared in by all his readers, and that they will with one voice agree to hold up to public contempt and derision this peculiarly Irish Society, seeing that it prefers pauperising a rich Irish City and a prosperous Irish Town by miserable doles that are as.useless as they are degrading, and dealing with other portions of their Funds in the way above alluded to, rather than expend some part of them in a great and noble work, the memory of which would linger long long after they, and their now worse than useless Society, haye for ever passed away. "Only the actions of the just Smell sweet, and blossom in the dust!" The following letter speaks for itself, and must prove rather disagreeable reading for those Members of the Corporation who, after raising the hopes of these poor fellows so high, have now so cruelly blighted them :— To Mr. Punch. Sib,—Our good Priest has told us all here of what the nobla amd generous Corporation of London has agreed to do for us poor Peasants of Baltimore. All, Sir! if you could come among us, if it was only for a day or two, and see how easily hundreds of us poor fellows could be raised from what we are, to what our fellow countrymen have become in the Island of Cape Clear, close by, we are sure, Sir, you would join heartily with us in invoking blessings upon the noble heads, and peace and joy to the kindly hearts of those who hare so generously resolved to come to our assistance. With our little bits of land we can only just manage to keep body and soul together when God gives us a favourable harvest, out at other times our sufferings and those of our poor wives and little ones are bo severe as to be almost past belief. But if we were enabled to share in the golden fish harvest, that begins early in March, and lasts on to the end of June, we should be able to do as the fishermen of Capo Clear have been enabled to do, and that is, turn our poverty into plenty, ana our miserable hovels into comfortable homes. We hope—oh, so fervently!—that all will be ready by March, and then our first prayer will be for the noble Corporation who have so generously come to our assistance; and our best and heartiest wishes to you, Sir, for bo powerfully helping the cause of your truly grateful friends, Tin; Poob Peasantry of Baltimore. Baltimore, July 26,1881. bklles without rings. It is proposed by a party in the States, says the Standard, to do away with the wedding-ring, substituting a bracelet with a clasp, which the Lady can snap as an occasional reminder for her husband. Snapping turtles, these f The whole idea is a Snappy Thought. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL A PIOUS FRAUD. Emily.. "Really, John, I don't think it Nice, just as the People .are coming out of Church, for you to Sit like that, with a Pipe in your Mouth, and your Hat at the back of your Head, and your Clothes anyhow I" John. "Bosh. Emily! I am doing no Harm, and therefore I don't care Who sees me, or what AsyboHy thinks!" Emily. "Well, John, you know best. Br the bye, who do YOU THINK WERE IN CHURCH, OF ALL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD? THE DucnEss of Stilton and Lord Archibald! Here they come!" John {hastily getting off his perch, buttoning his Coat and Waistcoat, and thrusting his Pipe behind his back). "Good Heavens, Emily! —WHERE—WHERE '< / CAN'T SEE THEM!" A CANTERBURY TALE. [From the Notes of a Pilgrim Fattier.) Went to Canterbury. Came late on the ground. Crowd looking at a match. Couldn't see match on account of crowd. Believe it was cricket between theGentlemen of Kent and the Gentlemen of England, who, I always thought up to now, lived at home at ease, and how little do they think upon the danger of M.C.C.'s. But this wasn't M.C.C. Never having been on this ground before, didn't know the ropes. Soon made their acquaintance, however, by tumbling over a perfect network of them attached to eaeh tent. Never saw so many tents. Decidedly most vEsthetic People—all in-tense.'— ahem!—but most intent on the cricketing. Unfortunatelv found I had arrived in a general way too late. Everything was finished exoept the match, and that was coming to a rapid conclusion. Hospitable people. The In-tents Ones, and in carriages too, deeply regretted my not having arrived in time for luncheon. So did I. Very hot': very dry work. "What, no soda-waterP So he died, and she very im- prudently," &c. Sawthe " Old Stagers." They appeared j>re-occupied and troubled. One was learning an Epilogue; and his wife, deeply interested in its success, remarked that she was afraid of its being too long. That Old Stager was indignant: it was a libel on his memory, and— [Happy Thought—iancy a wife libelling her husband's memory during his lifetime. Didn't say this, but thought it.] "My dear! exclaimed that Old Stager, indignantly, "it's not a bit too long for me." "No, dear," returned his wife innocently, with an idea of soothing him—"No, dear, I only meant it might be too long fur the audience." Taking one consideration with another, that Old Stager's lot was not a happy one—happy one. Dined at "The Rose." Rose, Brothers, Rose! Delightful Bcent of dinners. {Happy Thought.—With the same amount of cooking going on, the Rose by any other name would smell as sweet.) Joined by three other Canterbury Pilgrims. Dined well and wisely: '' passed the rosey": everything couleur de rose. Then we rose from table and left " The Rose" as crowds were entering the rows—of stalls at the theatre to see that latest theatrical novelty, A Thumping Legacy, played by the Old Stagers, with, I fancy, another equally new piece entitled Tit fur Tat (I think—but at this distance of time—the morning after—I can't distinctly recollect—but—Happy Thought— What a good advertisement it would be if you recommended a Hotel on account of its excellent liquor, and headed it " Tip for Tap " !)— well, as I was saying—in the stilly night while all was fevered ex- citement in Canterbury, four Pilgrims might have been observed in a trap—bat and ball being left to the Cricketers—pilgriming towards Ramsgate, and leaving Kent about 11*15, arrived in the Me of Thanet 11"154—a wonderfully quick passage. Ten minutes or so allowed for refreshment at Sarre. Tip for Tap, the Crown, where Mr. Pay makes the Sarre Cakes, much patronised by the local superior clergy, who, kept in tin by their parishioners, and preserved in the sweet Isle of Thanet (easily obtainable here), are celebrated everywhere as the real Sarre Deans. To adopt the inimitable style of Uncle Remus, which everybody ought to read, "De cake good, so de wiksky, which make Brer Fox, Brer Rabbit, Brer Possum, and Old Man Bear burst out a larfin, while Brer Fox he hab dry grins." Then the Pilgrims cigar'd. and Mr. Pay pioed. and the piper being paid, the Pilgrims resumed their journey. The Pilgrims sought their couches—and luckily found them—and" the rest is silence "—at least, it would have been, but for the snoring of the Pilgrim Brothers. Song—" And the snoring on my own hearth was the only sound I heard.' Exit. Suggestion to the Cowardly "SKiiiMis-nERS."—In future call the Dynamite for your Infernal Machines, "Demonite." PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—August 13, 1881. ^E=- THE RIVALS. August 13, 1881.] 69 PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVAEI. WORK AT THE SEA-SIDE. (A Holiday Task.) "The great wave of Democracy which" What on earth is that old man looking at through a telescope? Is it a wreck? No, it is too calm for that, and the Ladies don't bathe there. Wonder if he sees anything? Don't believe he does. Who was it used to collect crowds in Trafalgar Square — not Beadlatjgh, long before his time—by looking at the Lion on Nor- thumberland House? That old man has heard of this, and is trying it on. Idiot! Still, I wish I knew what he was looking at. "The great wave of Demo- cracy which came rolling over the Continent" Yachtsman taking a Sun from Cowes. Pretty from here. Wonder if it is worth while taking a turn on the Parade, where she probably isn't pretty from. Her voice settles her; it is not worth while. White dress, Gretna hat, dogskin gloves, flower; a man has to look twice at a girl in that rank of life before making out whether she is a lady or not. Wonder whether a woman is taken in the same way. Look at her companion. Deoentish sort of fellow very likely—saves out of his wages, keeps sober, and is very fond of her; yet he wears a frock-coat and a pot-hat. What is there in the cad's composition which always prompts him to assume on a holiday a pot-hat and a frock-coat? Ho takes her arm— another peculiarity of the lower middle classes, the great partially washed. Good name that! These two fat women with bright blue sand-shoes ought to be given in charge of the police. "The great wave of Democracy which came rolling over the Continent, arising in the far East, reaching its highest point" How children must hate the sea-Bide, that is children possessed of sanitary mothers. Look at that poor little brat. Of course he is frightened at the sea. That's right, dip him under it, he hasn't got his breath, dip him again, he howls and kicks, that's right, slap him, harder, harder, that's good, under again, more shrieks, more slaps. Other women look on more or less approvingly, other children are nnfeignedly glad at one of their own order coming to condign grief. Ah! human nature!—but I must get on with this article:— "The great wave of Democracy which came rolling over the Con- tinent, arising in the far East, reaching its highest point midway between What's that band playing in the next square? Lum, turn, turn, turn, tiddlity turn, turn. What is it? La la tumty tumpty la la la. Oh hang it, what is it? Curious I can always remember tunes, but never their names. Wonder if composers are ever like that. Suppose a composer were to write a dashing sparkling drinking chorus, and then forget its name and label it Messe Solennelle, and play it at the funeral of a Yery dear friend. What would the mourners say? Or rather, it would be of more importance to the composer to know what the mourners would do. "The great wave of Democracy whioh came rolling over the Continent, arising in the far East, reaching its highest point midway between Berlin and Vienna" What was I saying? I Bhall miss the post. I won't look out of window again. Why will people come just opposite my rooms to talk? I don't want to hear the details of their squalid lives. What does that red-faced, bulbou3-nosed, painfully habitual drunkard mean by bawling out to that emaciated ghoul on the seat? What does he say that there is a great swell on the outside, and the people coming by the boat are certain to be very sick.' Why, there's the smoke from the funnel! I am off!! [And so he was. And a despairing, mad, sad Editor, who had only that morning received a letter, "The sea is doing me no end of good; I can do twice the amount of work that I can in town," sat late that night, and tore what little hair a life of continual disappointments had left him, at the non- appearance of the promised article. And may the above lesson be taken to heart by all Contributors now taking, or about to take, holidays. Don't dis- appoint an Editor. Tell him fairly and honestly that while you are away from town you don't intend to do a stroke of work, and stick to your word even as this Contributor has said, and means sticking to it.] A PBETTY GOT. 'Abbt was reading that M. Got had been publicly decorated with the insignia of the Legion of Honour. "Ah!" oned the Irrepres- sible," he's Got 'em on, eh?" FISHY EVIDENCE. I.—The Conveniences of Billlnosoate. Carriers. Vans are delayed on an average four hours! We get fish from Yarmouth in less time than it takes to get it into Billings- fite. Sometimes a van is delayed eight hours in getting from London ridge Station into Billingsgate! Costermongers. Sometimes we can't move, we are treading on the top of one another. If you want to get to where a bit of fish is being sold, you are tearing one another to get round to it. A decent coat would, be torn off your back. You 're shoved all over the place. Fish Porter. The present system murders the trade. Everything is thrown on the top of each other, the fish lies out in the broiling sun, and the Public gets it half rotten! If Billingsgate remains where it is, you will never have cheap fish, II.—The Peice of Fish. Sender. I sent last year about 340,000 packages of fish to Billingsgate, and the average price I receive all the year round for turbot, soles, haddocks, whiting, plaioe, &c, is one penny and one third of a penny per pound! SaUsman. There is really no fault to be found. My income as a Fish Salesman and Ice Merchant is from £15,000 to £20,000 a year. Consumer. A short time ago I obtained from Plymouth for one shilling and fourpence a small supply of different kinds of fish, turbot, whiting, Co., including carriage, of which I calculated the retail price would have been eight shillings. Fishmonger. 1 am quite satisfied with things as they are! III.—The System. Fish Meter. Not more than one-third of the fish ever gets into the market at all! Not half pays toll. Salesman. I believe Billingsgate and the parties who do business there to be almost immaculate! Fishmonger. There is no Ring in Billingsgate, such a thing is unknown. Sender. I believe there is a Ring, and a very substantial one too, and it contains the cleverest men in the fish trade. Their ordinary commission is five per cent., but they often take off twenty from the price they sell at. They so distrust each other that they exchange account sales in open envelopes, so that A. reads, seals, and posts B.'s sales, and vice rersd! Thev would ruin an independent man, who acted honourably to his senders, in about six months! C0JTVERSATI0N FOR THE MEDICAL CONGRESS. (For the Use of Young Ladies—to be Translated into French, Oerman, and Italian.) At a Gaeden Paety. Aee you quite certain that it is not danger- ous to sit under the trees? . . . Tell me all you know about the affections. . . . You are sure that it is wise to stroll towards that shaded walk? . . . Why as a Dootor do you think it well to avoid a crowd? . . . Do you always speak to a Patient alone? . . . Is it necessary to subject my eyes to so much ex- amination? . . . What you say has distinctly inoreased the pulsation of my heart! . . . Why do you want my hand? Is it to. feel my pulse r At a Dinnek. It is so pleasant to have someone near me to adviso me what to take! . . . No, I meant the dishes. Men can always take care of themselves. ... I did not say I wanted an adviser always near me. . . . Don't you A Royal Guardin' Party, like an application of cold water to your ideas? Then you are not a Hydropathist. . . . What an absurd idea! Love is a fever I do not understand in the least. . . . You have made it a special study. Your Patients must be very much obliged to you. . . What ?—only during the last half hour! Then your experience can be of .little value. . . . What? a Patient suffering from it yourself! Y'ou will soon get over it; if you don't—consult a colleague. At a Ball. From a medical point of view, is a "round" better than " a square?" . . . What do you want with a flower from my bouquet? To make an experiment? . . . No, I am not engaged to anyone. But surely that is scarcely a scientific question! . . . Oh, Doctor, it is for you to say whether I could live as happily abroad as in England! ... If you really want to know anything more, Alphonse—well—yes—you may ask Papa! 70 [August 13, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI. SUPPRESSIO VERI. Small Boy (construing). "But the Crocodile" Schoolmaster. "I am sure you got 'Crocodile' out ok a Crib. Small Boy. "No, Sir! Indeed, Sir, I didn't." Schoolmaster (severely). "I know you did. And as you've told a Lie about it" [Prepares cane. Small Boy (terrified). "No, Sir—indeed I didn't tell a Lie, Sir! Please, Sir—it 's 'Allioator' in the Crib!" [Tableau. Cane comics down heavily. A WAKNING TO SWEEPS. The death of George Wethebxy ought to be a ■warning to all those who follow dirty trades. He fell off a house-top in the middle of his work, and though his ribs were fraotured, the Hospitals refused to take him in because he was so very black. No doubt, from the cleanly-godly point of view, the Hospitals were right, and when the present race of Sweeps dies out (and the Hospitals will, of course, help to exterminate them), let us hope that no degraded creatures will come forward to supply their place. Every householder ought to cleanse his own chimneys. THE LORD OF BURLEIGH. (Slightly altered from the Poet Laureate.) To the Bill he whispers gaily, "Land Bill, I the truth must tell— You 're a nuisance; but believe me That I really love you well!" She replies, that Irish Maiden, "No one I respect like thee." He is Lord of ancient Hatfield, And a simple Land Bill she. So most kindly he receives her Merely with two hours' reproof, Leads her to the Lords' Committee, And she leaves her Gladstone's roof. ".I will strive to guard and guide you, And your beauty not impair; Only add a few amendments. Prune a seotion here and there. Let us try these little clauses Which the wealthy Lords Buggest; No connection with Fitzm aubice, Or with Heneage and the rest!" All he tells her makes her queerer, Evermore she seems to yearn For her Commons and her Gladstone, And the moment of return. And while now she wonders wildly Why she feels inclined to sink, Proudly turns the Lord of Burleigh, "I have drawn your teeth, I think!" Then her countenance all over Pale and (emerald) green appears, As he kicks her down the staircase, 'Mid their Lordships' wicked jeers. But her Gladstone looked upon her, Lying lifeless, worn, and spent, And he said, "Your dress is ragged— These must be arrears of rent. Deeply mourns the Lord of Burleigh, No one more distressed than he, When the Premier moved the Commons With the Peers to disagree. And they gathered softly round her, Did the Commons, and they said, "Bring the dress we sent her forth in. That will raise her from the dead!" THE ADJUTANT'S HOSS. (A Diary Picked Up in Militia Training Quarters.) July.—Came off duty and went to the sea- side. Spent a pleasant month within the shafts of a bathmg-machine. August.—OndutyatBlackheath. Rather hard work on Sundays and Bank Holidays, being let out at a penny a ride. September.—Sent to work at a mill. October.—Employed as an extra horse in cheap funerals. Made to wear a false tail on these melancholy occasions. November.—Used as a leader in pleasure vans until sent home by an Officer of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. December.—Stealthily worked as a second horse for a night four-wheeler. Discovered and disallowed by the Police. January.—Bought by a Costermonger. February.—Tried in a Circus, but found unequal to learning how to take a glass of sherry with the Clown. March.—Acquired by an Artist as model for the principal figure in a picture to be called ,f Starved to Death in the Desert." April.—Sent to knackers, but returned. May.—Exhibited as a living skeleton. June.—Hurray! On active service again! Hired by Adjutant of 3rd Battalion Royal Blankshire Regiment (Militia), to carry him on parade during training! August 13, 1881.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ORGANISED ROBBERY. There are many who hold that mad-houses contain all the really sensible people, and that the only lunatics are the crowd at large; and we might go farther and say that the prisons contain all the honest folk, while the thieves are left untouched. Those who regu- late, manage and thrive on the food supply of London, are cer- tainly not marvels of fair dealing, and the Fair-Trade League will do well to spend their Fifty Thousand Pounds in reforming these incorrigibles, before they even dream of touching foreign tariffs. Owing to our scanty and disgraceful markets, London pays nearly double what any other important town in England pays for its fish and vegetables. Be- tween the City Corporation and the Duke of Mudford, the me- tropolis is made to suffer more heavily in health, patience, and pocket, than any other city in the civilised world. The Best Club in London. If the House of Commons this Session has done little work for the English and Scottish public— the great taxpayers of the country —beyond the reform of Receipt Stamps, it has looked after its own comforts. It has overhauled its refreshment department, threatened to discharge its caterer, and proposed to install a new sup- plier of food with the appropriate name of Tuck! Fry-er Tuck 'i A Reporter on a very hot dav, doing very hard work, says "There 's many a cup 'twixt the lip and the slip "—before the slip appears in the journal. PUNCH'S FANCY PORTRAITS.-No. 44. RIGHT HON. G. JOACHIM GOSCHEN, M.I>. This is a Joke-'im Goschen Picture of a Wise Man from the East, at present ascertaining which way the Wind blows. AN OPENING FOR HIM. Mr. Bradlaugh's recent per- formance in the Lobby will open up a new line to him, so that he will not have to come on his Constituents or Mr. Newde- gate for "Maintenance." The Managers of Melodramatic Thea- tres will be delighted to hear from him, and there will be a rush to offer him engagements for the Leading Heavy business. Mr. Bradlaugh as Ajax defying the Lightning would bring the house down—though it didn't bring down the House of Com- mons, except as that other hero, Samson, brought down the house, i.e., on himself. By the way, was Samson an ^Esthete—for he was most certainly anti-Philistine,— not that this has anything what- ever to do with the eminent tragedian Mr. Bradlaugh. "Fair is Foul, and Foul is Fair." A so-called "National Fair Trade League" has been founded, with a capital of Fifty Thousand Pounds, and a Committee includ- ing a Banker, a Manufacturer, and a Brewer. These capitalists coolly propose, amongst other things, to tax the food of the people, of course for the people's good, and the half-fed millions will equally of course appreciate the benevolenoe of these dis- interested benefact-urers. Female Suffrage in France. —Is M. Gambetta an advocate of Woman's Rights? As the can- didate for Belleville, he ought to be a Ladies' Man. THE WISE MAN FROM THE EAST. There was a Wary Man lately home from out the East, Where high-jinks Ambassadorial he had led, led, led, He 'd a brain as broad and big As you 'd find in any Whig, And a crisis never knocked him off his head, head, head. And this Wise Man from the East, coming back to join the Crew That on special secret service he had left, left, left, Found the Vessel's courses set On a tack untravelled yet, And demanding novel trim and steering deft, deft, deft. And this Wise Man from the East cast his weather-eye aloft, And says he, "Now I should rather like to know, know, know, If it's safe all sail to crack On this same uncharted tack, And which way the wind is likeliest to blow, blow, blow. "As a 'candid friend' of G.'s, I 'm disposed to think these seas Are a little bit more risky than I like, like, like. 'Fore a favouring wind to run Is, no doubt, exciting fun, If on hidden rocks or quicksands you don't strike, strike, strike." So this Wise Man from the East takes no hand at sail or rope, But he gives his snowy slacks a hitch behind, 'hind, 'hind, And in silence standing by, Cocks aloft his weather-eye, Like a wary salt a-watching for a wind, wind, wind. Says the Skipper, " Dash my Whigs! I dislike these shirking rigs. Shall he up andjoin the Scotchman? 'Twere a rise, rise, rise! But he may doubt on promotion, To the real Land of Goschen, If the Wise Man from the East was quite so wise, wise, wise!" A BAD BAR-GAIN. Mr. Serjeant Wigley {finishing his story in Benchers' Room at dessert). Ha! ha! ha! And so of course 1 got my refreshers, when poor young Phunkt had to whistle for his fees! Chorus of Benchers. Capital! Profession too crowded! Mr. Purple Bagge, Q. C. [helping himself to wine). By the way, I see Solicitors want to be called after a year's dinners. Mr. Serjeant Wigley. Why not? Fact is, I 've got a young nephew in my brother's firm, who's going to join us. Now it seems to me awful shame to make him go through three years of bad dinners for nothing, eh? Mr. Purple Bagge, Q. C. _ Quite so. Can't see what the Junior Bar object to. Free trade—right principle. [Genially.) Pass the port. Mr. Serjeant Wigley, [continuing his argument). And don't see how it can hurt us! We are safe enough. Publio believe in us. Know our names, and the rest of it. So it won't hurt the Profession. We shan't lose prestige by it. Serious thing if it affected us!— serious thing I mean, of course, for the Profession. Mr. Purple Bagge, Q.C. [examining wineglass before drinking). Exactly! Really think the more we throw open the door to Solicitors the better. Nothing like competition. Sound wine this. Mr. Serjeant Wigley, [more argumentative than ever). Then the Junior Bar, if they have brothers and fathers in the other Branch of the Profession, will be looked after by—in point of fact—their brothers and fathers. And if Junior Bar haven't brothers and fathers in the other Branch of the Profession—they had better marry into the other Branch of the Profession or—try something else! Mr. Purple Bagge, Q. C. Exactly! Nonsense for young men without fees to make a fuss. Confoundedly unprofessional! By all means admit everybody anyhow! Chorus of Benchers. By all means! [Scene closes in—upon Mr. Briefless! 72 [August 13, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SOCIAL SUCCESSES. Mrs. Ponsonby de TomJcyns at Home—Small and Early. Brown (who is fighting his way in—to Friendly Party, who holds out his hand). "Ah, how d'y'do, Mr.-kr—I skem to know your Face. Often met you HERB BEFORE, I FANCY, HAv'n'T I?" Friendly Parly. "Very likely. My Name's Ponsondy de Tomkyns!" FRAGMENT OF A BRADLAUOHABLE BALLAD. Air—" Lord Lovel." He strode and he strode till he reached the landing, And then he couldn't " strode " any higher, And there he saw Mister Inspector DEXtyixG, Who asked him at once to retire—'ire—'ire. Suggesting that he should retire. He tackled the Serjeant and his deputee, A Messenger too in the Lobby. When in came a lot of Constabularee,— Mister Bradlaugh he collared a Bobby—'obby—'obby; But was collared too by that Bobby. They fought and they tussled away down the stairs, With many a gasp and a guggle, And poor Daddy Longlegs, who won't say his prayers, Lost his collar and tails in the struggle—'uggle—'uggle. Lost his temper and tails in the struggle. Who profits by this? The reply's not remote, Not the Rough, nor the Bobby, nor Gaoler, But as Mister Bradlaugh must have a new coat, 'Tis a capital thing for his tailor—'ailor—'ailor, A very good thing for the tailor. Two Words about Wages. By accounts from Ireland we learn that, at a meeting of Irish Labourers lately held at Drogheda, a resolution was "adopted declaring that a fair day's wage Bhould be given tor a fair day's work." It was natural of Irish Labourers to adopt that resolution; which, how- ever, to improve their condition at all, obviously requires to be adopted also by Irish farmers. Query for the next Social Science Congress:—In a climate like that of Ireland, or England either, are a fair day's wages sufficient remuneration for a wet day's work Revival of the TJnfittest. The custom of having a prize-fight as a supplemen- tary amusement to horse-racing, which originated this year at Epsom, has been continued at Goodwood. The patrons oi this entertainment were all "well-known to the police," but were too distinguished to be prosecuted. There is all the difference in the world between those who fill the Court Guide and those who live in Alleys. Interesting publication an Alley Guide would be. Many of the residents would prefer an Alley-bi. THE REWARD OF MERIT. (An Imperial Tragi-Comedy—sot adapted from the French.) "Tho Civil List Pensions are a miserable recognition of the claims of Literature, Science, and Art on the part of the richest nation in the world." ACT I. Scene—A Public Banquet. Distinguished Literary Celebrity dis- covered in Chair, supported by Highly Enlightened Minister, and surrounded by brilliant gathering of Social and Artistic Notabilities. Much enthusiasm. Highly Enlightened Minister (concluding the speech of the evening). And now, as 1 am resuming my seat, let me make one brief but very sincere avowal. Flattered as I am by the generous welcome that you have accorded to my unambitious remarks, honoured as I feel by association at this banquet with the cultured, the learned—I may say the splendid—company I see around me, believe me, to me the great, the unique privilege of my present position is the distinction it confers on me in allowing me, in ever so numble a way, to support the illustrious philosopher, sage, and genius who, on this occasion, has condescended to adorn our Chair. (Loud and prolonged cheers.) Yes, my Lords and Gentlemen—and that hearty expression of sym- pathy gives me the courage to confess it—whatever may be my ulti- mate bourne in the Walhalla of official renown, no event of my public career will impress me with a deeper Bense of dignity unwor- thily conferred, than the proud, the supreme moment in which I had the honour of shaking hands with the great President around whom we are assembled to-night. [Tremendous cheering, during which the toast is drunk "three times three," amidst indescribable enthusiasm. ACT II. Scene—An official room. Highly Enlightened Minister, discovered looking over papers, and giving general instructions to Well- informed Private Secretary. An interval of twelve months has been supposed to elapse between Acts I. ana II., during which Distinguished Literary Celebrity hat been carried with much honour to a suburban cemetery. Highly Enlightened Minister (concluding morning's social gossip). Yes, and the Old Earl behaved handsomely all round. The butler has been pensioned off; and all the old dependants have been generously treated. And quite right, too. Good service should have its meet reward,—eh? (turning over several documents). Talking of service, I hear that that capital cook at Dtnoveb's only gets a hundred a year. Well-informed Private Secretary. Dear me; and he's worth five! Highly Enlightened Minister. Quite! (Selecting a paper). Ha! Here we are. Old What's-his-name's daughter: why, it's only a year ago I met the old fellow somewhere—some public dinner (turning paper over). Hum!—the claim is backed strongly—so, I suppose she must have a slice (refers to note). Ah? I see it 'a settled; so you may as well write and let 'em know. I dare say somebody 's anxious. Well-informed Private Secretary (taking papers). Thanks. (Looks at them.) You didn't mention the figure. Highly Enlightened Minister (already deep in something else). Fifty. (Still reflecting.) Fancy Dinover's cook only a hundred 1 Why, it isn't the salary of a crossing-sweeper! Ha! ha! That it isn't I [ Goes on with his business, while Well-informed Secretary offici- ally removes " somebody's anxiety " as Curtain falls. 'To Co»l»srOTtT>lwT«.- ■The Rlitw 'f'V* nnt fcflM Miuilf hound to asbno'pUdne. return, or pavfor Conirl'nctiont. In no com ran thtu bt rtturntd unllu aceompaniti ojr • August 20, 1881.] 73 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED PROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. JntmC^JU Lord Ch-nc-11-r. Earl Gr-nv-lle. Duke of Arg-U. Lord C-nu. Duke of R-chm-nd. Marqnls of S-1-sb-ry. Lord Sh-rbr-ke. MORE "FORMS OF THE HOUSES." (By Electric Light.) The Bishopi. E«rl of D-rby. Monday Night, Augttst8.—Great thing to have in the House a Member with a good voice, an impressive delivery, and an orderlv mind. For the_ large class of Members who do not follow up all questions, a plain statement from a man of this kind is of inestimable value. Here's the Goffin case, for example. Been before the House on and off for some 8essions. Confess that up to to-night, having on hand muoh business for my constituency, didn't know what it was all about. Had a notion that Mr. Goffin was the gentleman who kept a dust-heap and Mr. Silas Wegg. But Mr. Ramsay, who knows Sir Walter Scott's romances by heart, tells me that was Boffin. Gave Coffin up with the unredeemed sorrowb of Secoceni, the unmitigated labours of Llangabelele, and the story of the wrongs of Mr. John Clare, who invented several things, amongst others, various opportunities for Mr. Biooab to occupy the time of the House. Now know all about Mr. Goffin and his case. Sir James Clark Lawrence, standing well out on the Bench behind Ministers, and lifting up his full voice, has put the whole matter in a nutshell. It seems that Mr. Goffin was formerly employed at the Home Office; fell siok; took leave of absence; Doctor saw him. and reported that he was malingering; consequence was, discharged, losing his position and chance of pension. On what ground did the Doctor attribute malingering? Ha! here's where the story begins to get exciting. He had. states the Doctor, prescribed for Mr. Goffin, who, at this stage of the story it turns out, had something the matter with his foot. On examining the foot one morning, found traces of iodine. Doctor knew he had not ordered iodine, therefore, clear case of malingering. Hence report and dismissal of Mr. Goffin. "Years roll on." (Wish I could enter in my diary Sir James's voice and his impressive gesture.) Some papers disturbed. Whether they were Mr. Goffer's, or the Doctor's, not quite sure. But there hidden away, not a will, but the original prescription; and what do you think was found? Why, a direction to apply iodine, which the Doctor had ordered and forgotten! This proved no malingering, just as the iodine had proved the offence. Mr. Goffin made appli- cation to the Home Office to be reinstated. They replied—and here again the diary loses the advantage of Sir James's flexible voice— We never undo what we have done." This is the case of Mr. Goffin,_ who very naturally objects to being charged with malingering, since it is now proved that the Doctor prescribed iodine. Am so pleased at having fathomed this case, that I go about asking Members if they understand the case of Mr. Goffin; and when they say " No" (as most do), I tell them. Told Mundella, who says I have made a mistake, and that this thrilling story related by Sir James, has nothing to do with Mr. Goffin, who is a schoolmaster, and is charged with too great anxiety to get his pupils on. Sir James, Mundella explains, just remembered it in the middle of his speech, and thought he would tell the House. But I know better. I listened to every word of this beautiful speech, and this is what I make of the case of Mr. Goffin. Business done.—Talked till two o'olook to-morrow morning; then began to deal with the votes. Tuesday.—Don't think I ever saw a lot of men so completely knocked over as the crowd in the Smoking-Room, when at half-past ten to-night someone came in and announced "The Black Beetle on the floor of the House is killed!" The notion that our own good Gosset was no more, that we should never look on his cheery face again, or watch the graceful twinkle of his manly legs as he bore the Mace to and fro, or danced the stately minuet with Mr. Brad- laugh, was overpowering. Members sat dumb for a moment, and then, out of the turmoil of troubled thoughts, broke exclamations of, "When?" "Where?" "How?" Had there been an tmeute in the Irish quarter? Had Mr. Healy "gone for" the Sergeant? or had Biggar pinked him from behind as he sat slumberous in his Chair? Or was Mr. Bradlaugh's bad arm a ruse designed to draw off attention, and, whilst the Police thought he lay sick at home, had he covertly entered the House, treacherously seized the companion of his saltatory exercises, and slain him before the Maoe P Immense relief to find it was not our own Black Beetle, the linea- ments of whose figure Mr. Punch has distributed over the civilised world. It was a Cockroach of ordinary and exceedingly ignorant kind. Often heard its old father say that Parliament prorogued in the first week in August. Of Conservative tendencies; thought what had been still was. Like Mr. Lefrot's landlady at Stepney, didn't take in the daily papers. Knew nothing of the Lords' Amendments; was not aware House was sit- ting. _ So strolled upstairs, meaning to have a snooze in Speaker's Chair. Instead of retiring as soon as it found out its mistake, walked up the floor of the House as if it were about to take the oath. Outraged all the Orders of procedure; crossed between Mr. Parnell and the Chair, when the former was on his legs; stood about on the middle of the floor after the division when order had been called; behaved in the most insulting manner to the Leader "When Greek meets Greek!" of the Fourth Party; ostenta- tiously strolled in the direction of the seats below the Gangway, on the Conservative side amid immense excitement: Land Bill forgotten; Lords' Amendments as nothing. Was the Fourth Party about to receive a recruit, even so late in the Session? Dreadful moment of suspense for Randolph, who sat nervously stroking his moustache, and looking as if one more or less were nothing to him. Black Beetle stopped and surveyed the Party; looked scornfully at Randolph; winked at Wolff; turned up its nose at Mr. Gorst, and then, before tho watching Senate, turned its back, and made straight for the rising hope of the State, the compact party sitting below the Gangway opposite, in company with Wisdom, several of the Talents, and all the Virtues. Here it was slain by the ruthless foot of a passing Member, having created more visible excitement in the crowded Senate, than did the introduction of Mr. Heneage's Amendment. a Business done.—Black Beetle Slain. Lords' Amendments con- sidered. Wednesday.—Cavendish Bbnttnck in grsat form to-day. When I say " to-day" I mean this morning towards cock-orow. House discussing Lords' Amendments dealing with restrictions on gam■'. Attorney-General for Ireland a little mixed; shows a disposition to VOL. T.TTTT. 71 [August 20, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. '" DENUDATION." Niece (after a header). "Oh, Aunt, you're not coming in with your Spectacles on?" Aunt Clarissa (who is not used to bathe in the "open.") "My Dear, I positively won't take OFF ANYTHING: MORE, I 'M DETERMINED!!" regard hares as wild fowl. Cavendish bursts into the controversy, and is received with prolonged and hilarious cheers. Cavendish seems to think the Premier, (who hasn't spoken since C. B. came in) has been saying something, and turns upon him, with lofty assumption of superiority in all that relates to wild fowl. But C. B. is generous, even among his political animosities. Premier knows nothing about wild fowl; why shouldn't he learn r C. B. holds out the wing of friendship, and suggests that under its cover he should run down and see a little wild-fowl shooting. As' in nis mind's eye he beholds the picture of himself and the Premier out on the lonely moor or adrift on the sedgy stream duck-shooting, with only stars for companions, he grows positively enthusiastic, and his words tumble out over each other in the haste of their hospitable intent. Happy thought this. Gladstone wisely varies the labours of the week by spending Saturday to'Monday in some rural spot. He has been to The Dnrdans, and must be getting tired of Mill Hill. "Why not go out for a quiet Sunday with Cavendish, hunting the snark and other wild fowl dealt with in the Act 27 & 28 Vict. c. 27? Wandering arm-in-arm over the moist land of Hampshire and Dorsetshire, these two eminent men might become better acquainted. Business done.—Lords' Amendments further considered. Friday Night.—Great excitement in the lobby of the Mouse of Commons, and in the corridors joining the two Houses. Houses themselves pretty placid. In the Commons Mr. Ritchie and Lord Sandon talking Protection and Water. In the Lords, to all outward appearance, equal placidity reigns. Couple of hundred gentlemen engaged in scratching out the Commons' Amendments to the Land Bill. Quite a game of nine- pins. The Lords, in their playful way, knock over three-fifths of the Bill as it left theCommons. TheCommonspainfullyrein- state them. To-night, the Lords, more than ever playfully, knocking them all over again. "I'll show 'em how to steer and sail a ship!" says my Lord Marquis. "Stir up the fire, pile on the wood, get up the steam, and I '11 sit on the safety valve. Business done.—The Lords' '' gutted" the Irish Land Bill. DEMORALISING EFFECTS OF THE HOLIDAY SEASON. Most of Mr. Punch's Young Men are "onthewing." Our Bilious Contributor de- clares that he is on the (liver) wing, having a bake-on the sands. A rasher attempt at a pun we do not remember being made, even by him. Another writes to say that he is down by the Dee-side, and Dee-sidedly means staying there for some time. This is how he puts it:— I live, a Mill-cr hale and strong, Beside the river Dee, I lounge and smoke from morn till night. (What a lark to be sure, dear P!) And this the burden of my song For a month I mean to be:— I care for nobody, no not I, And^the public may go to—the Dee! (He adds, incidentally, that the Public couldn't do better.) A third Y. M. informs us that he finds Dawlish so Dawlishous that—but here we tore up his missive in disgust. Three or four of our younger Young Men (whom the gods evidently do not love) are "gone yaohting," which appa- rently is the nautical equivalent for "away in the eungkeit." One sends us (from no- where in particular that we can see) the following unintelligible (but we suspect impertinent) piece of doggerel:— Sammy would a yotting go, Whether bis Punchy would let him or no. With his Rowley—bowl-along bowsprit and Spinnaker, Teo-ho! says Rowley! Another informs us' that he is as sick of hearing Mynheer Van Dunk cited as a type of bibulousness, as ever the Athenians were of hearing Aristides called "Just so." (Here he gets a little unhistorical.) He is therefore off to the neighbourhood of the Zuyder-zee to take the shine out of the Dutchmen at deep-draught potations. < The few Contributors who do remain in town are sulky, and as crabbed in their "copy" as in their tempers. When our Poet is not venting bilious strictures, He's as busy with his Bradshaw as can be. When our Artist isn't adjectivising pictures, He is brooding glumly o'er his A. B. C. They swear that town 's all swelter, smoke and smother, They vow the rambling chaps have all the fun. No: take one consideration with another, The Sage's life is not a happy one! During the Holiday Season at least, and the sooner it's over the better, both for Mr. Punch and his beloved — though bothersome—Public. Augcst 20, 1881.] 75 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE SWEETS OF LEARNING. Punch to the Vice-President. "Progress unbroken, continuous, steady"! Bravo, Mundella! Our praises are ready. "Per-centage of passes is 81 "2," Sir? Well, that, for the present, will probably do, Sir. "Four millions now on the rolls." 'Tis a number Which shows that the Lord of " Three R's" does not slumber. True " sweets of learning." John Bull will "stand Sam.'^Sir, With pleasure, all round, only don't orer-cram, Sir. This fight for the Standards" is gallant as any, And wiser than most, but—well, don't raise too many. Verb, sap., modern guard of the spring called Pierian: And here 's to your health, Sir ; long life, and a merry 'un! A Timely Warning. These are the days in which the advertisements of house-agents, house-proprietors and house-letters are rampant, and it may be well to warn the too trusting Cockney of one or two signs by which he may infallibly detect the hidden Irap. Advertisements beginning "lo lovers of fruit," "A perfect paradise," "Opening of the plum seaton," &c, are to be carefully avoided, and any advertisement beginning with Pvs in Urbe should be classed with the " Confidence Trick," or the "Three Card Trick" in the railway carriage. Absolutely Perfect! The Criminal In(ve)stigation Department has issued its annual report, and the Defective Police is declared to be absolutely perfect. No allusion is made to the undiscovered murders in Bloomsbury, Cannon Street, Coram Street, Hoxton, Euston Square, Burton Crescent, Harley Street, &c. &c. The Chief of this Department, like the rest of the world, is doubtless bent upon holiday-making. Let us suggest Chatham. The murderer of Lieutenant Koper is still at large, and a thousand pounds is ottered for his discovery. 70 [August 20, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE PLEASURES OF "YOUTH." Drury Lane has got a hit that will last as long as The World- even with two comets about. Messrs Harris and Meritt are to be congratulated, especially Harris. The piece is of the Formosa type, only without the Formosa epigrams. It depends upon its action rather than on its dialogue, on good situations, striking tableaux— they're always "striking" the tableaux—and, above all, strict and careful drill, and intelligent rehearsal. Act. 1.—Exterior of Beeohley Church—not at all a beechly church to look at. Service with organ of course (never without an organ in stage-worship) going on within. Mr. Etdrb appears as the vicar. The last time we saw him was as a Mendicant Friar, but he has now settled down as a prosperous Anglican Vicar, with, we Bhould say, judging from the cut of his coat, decidedly High Church views. Were the height of his views to be measured by that of his hat, they would be beyond anything at present known to Ultra- Ritualists, but the notorious fact that these latter religionists never wear tall hats, but have a weakness for black wide-awakes and a olerical pot hat with very broad brim, which might be worn by a cardinal in mourning, saves him from such an imputation. Unlike Mr. W. S. Gilbert's Vicar in the Sorcerer, who sings of old Loves— "Ah me, I was a pale young Curate then," the Rev. Mr. Darling- ton has only to look back to his pre-ordination days, when, from his own showing, he did go it rather, and knew his way about slightly. It is rather hard on him twenty-three years after he has given up his wicked ways, and become a Vicar'd man with a wife and one son, that he should be suddenly confronted by Mrs. Wat- singham (Miss Louise Willes), whom, in his pre-clerical days (we hope it did happen be- fore he was a pale young Curate, though he never distinctly states the fact) he had—not to put too fine a point upon it— ruined and deserted. Mrs. Walsingham starts, and calls him " Joseph!" —he starts, exclaiming Hester ! "—whereupon she becomes Hester-ical, but soon pulling herself together, asks him very practically to let her the cottage she was born in, in this very village of Beechley. Just think of that: — and Mrs. Darlington—whom, probably the schoolboys (capital schoolboys they are in Aot. I., and quite capable of any lark of the sort) call " Old Mother Darlington,"—within a stone's throw! And what stones! what throwing there would be! The Rev. Joseph foresees it at a glance, and thinks to himself "Not for Joe!" Mrs. Walsingham's request being refuted, she, true to her name, vows that she '11 lead him a pretty dance. Alas! poor Joe.' Then she leaves him—"old Joe kicking up ahind and afore, and the yellow gal a kicking up behind old Joe!" But the Rev. Joe has brought it on himself, and the audience to a woman^are'down on Tableau 1—The Vigorous Vicar and the Vickar'd old Voman. "After many changing years, how swe»t it U to oome," &c. Tableau 2.—Very Moving. A Change of Scene strongly recommended by the Faculty. "Striking " effect. i!™i um th^ *■ tave D0 symPatny for him from this time forth, think him a jolly old humbug, deride his excuses, and howl at his gentiments. No matter what he says, religious, moral, or purely sentimental, the audience " Joey" him, and form themselves into an anti-humbug society on the spot. If the Rev. Joseph had only behaved handsomely—if he had been "handsome Joe " in that early amour—all might have been well; but he was "stingy Joe," and by his own confession as mean a cuss as ever stepped, and so down comes Mrs. Walsingham as his Nemesis. Poor Joe! he can only look back and say, "She was werry good to me, she was;" but he was werry bad to her, he was. So his son Frank (Mr. Augustus Harris) goes wrong with Eve de Malvoisie (Miss Marie Litton)—some relation perhaps of the Sieur de Framboisie so celebrated under the Empire—and after a scene in a canoe, and a good deal of canoodling in the Boat-Cottage Garden, he marries her. But Eve is an adventuress, and really in love with a Major Randal Reckley (Mr. W. H. Vernon), who is a thorough-paced villain, and can't aot cor-reckly on any occasion. At any moment we were prepared for this nefarious person's being killed by some one (probably the comic convict, Mr. Nicholls), who would exclaim, "Die-reckley!" and would then and there shoot him. But no, he lived to the end, to be duly punished with the other wicked people. Poor Frank is run into fearful extravagance by Eve—they live in what the Authors modestly term "Rooms," which show us what, in the opinion of Messrs. Gillow & Co., who de- signed and fur- nished them, a young man's ''Rooms" should -Frank's Rooms—perhaps in Buckingham Figures to Scale. A Black Business. be. We question Tableau 3.- the policy of this Palace, advertisement on the part of this eminent Firm. "Heavens!" any parent will exclaim on seeing this small portion of a palatial Japanese residence situated somewhere overlooking the Serpentine—though we never remember to have noticed it—" My boy mustn't go to Gillow for his rooms and furniture if this is the sort of thing! Why, the lad's only got a hundred-and-fifty a year; and if this is tne eminent Firm's idea of Apartments Furnished in a Model Lodging-House, why I Bhall be a Flat myself to let him go there!" The Rev. Darlington visits Frank, gives him coin, confides to him that he has been a young dog himself once on a time, and boasts that in those dog-days he had never trained a young gazelle to glad him with her bright blue eye, but what, when she came to love him well, he could always leave her at a moment's notice without the slightest compunction. Heartless old Joe.' His morality receives a severe shock when he hears that his son has actually married Eve. Then Frank is condemned for a forgery which the Reckless Reckley had committed, serves his time as a convict, where we see him in prison condemned to the hard labour of, apparently, making mud-pies on a tray, the proceedings being varied by a great deal of conversa- tion and a murderous assault on a warder—which involves one of the Tableau 4.—Mr. Harris embarks on hia successful Stage-Manager-Ship. best hand-to-hand realistic struggles between Mr. Harris and Mr. Estcourt that we 've seen for a long time. Frank gets a ticket-of- leave, enlists, goes off to India—in spite of Reckley, wno lndi-reckley tries to stop him. August 20, 1881.] 77 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. The Embarkation Scene is excellent—that's where the Stage- Manager-Ship of Mr. Harris comes in—and goes out; and the Lessee of Drury Lane may pride himself on possessing not only the largest share in the Theatre and the Piece, but the Biggest Property in the world—and yet the Publio will see this " Vast Property for Sail" for many a night to come. We were glad to recognise our old musical friend and Composer, Mr. Arthub Matthison, as the Colonel—no, not at the Prinoe of Wales's—but as Colonel Dalton, and we folly expected a song. But he didn't. Once there was just a chance of it—during the Embarkation Scene, at a very critical moment, when that villanous Major Reckley wanted to overhear what Mrs. Darlington was say- ing to her son Frank. Mr. Arthur Matthison took him aside, and at that moment the band struck up a plaintive melody, so that it seemed as if the military musician, out of consideration for the Darlingtons, had just said to the Major, "I'll hum over a little thing—air and words all my own—while the band does the aooom- paniment." The Major perhaps objected to the Minor, and the Tableau 5.—Hawk's Point. Daring Bravery of British Troops. Extraordinary Escape of an Artful Afghan. subject was dropped. At Hawk's Point Colonel Matthison again distinguished himself, by making a splendid declaration about the "sacred flag," and then, as far as we could make out, he got care- fully behind everybody well out of danger, standard and all. t The Afghans may be a very artful people, deceiving us with false signals, but they are a feeble folk, ana the first of them who entered while the British soldiers were firing away like mad, appeared to be simply a harmless deaf old gentleman bearing a strong resemblance to the venerable Indian who still sweeps a crossing in Regent Street, who, having somehow lost his way, was prepared to apologise for the intrusion, and was quite surprised, in fact, at there being anyone about at that time. But this was, of course, only his artfulness, as in another second he was followed by a very stout Afghan, and several other Afghans vaguely waving their swards without any visible effect on any- body, and all, _ like the first, strongly resembling the aforesaid crossing-sweeper, so that they might nave heen an army of crossing-sweepers. Who was victorious we couldn't quite ascertain; but the Comic Conviot had his sins forgiven him by Colonel Matthison, without which oeremony, he averred, he couldn't die comfortably, and Mr. Harris was wounded while gallantly doing something or other which, in the last Act, was the cause of his appearing deco- rated with the Victoria Cross, or, as it may appositely be termed on behalf of his collaboraleur, the Order of Meritt. Anyone applying for another Order of Meritt, must be informed of the necessary conditions on which alone it can be held:—" Evening dress indispensable, and Not ad- mitted after seven." Of course all the bad 'una are punished, the good rewarded, and the last Act is short, for everyone wants to get out, quaff the "flowing bowl," wash the gunpowder of Hawk's Point out of their throttles, drink success to the Play, and, if there are any faults, put them down to the follies of Messrs. Harris and Mebitt's Youth. And may it be Youth-full for months! ■^ i/V Tableau C—Captain Augustus Harris, decorated with the Reward of Meritt, bows his acknowledgments. NOTES FROM THE DIARY OE A CITY WAITER. I was "a setting on the Sands the other evening a watching the waves bobbing up and down, and thinking what a lot of useless trouble they was a taking, and how much they was like a man making a long speeoh when nobody wanted it, when a Gent and a remarkable pretty young Lady with very large blue eyes and a very pale face, came and sat near me, to have, as I heard 'em say, a good took at the sunset. What folks can find to admire in a sunset, I never could make out. However, there 's no accounting for taste, as I often thinks when performing my perfessional dooties, and seeing what some people actually refuses. Well, my two young friends sat there a gazing and a gazing at the sun, and just saying a word now and then, as if they was in a perfect rapshur, when, just as the sun went down, she leant her head on his shoulder, and she said. "Charley dear, it 'a so lovely it almost makes me ory. I wonder if I shall see many more as lovely as this F" And then he gives her a hug, and wraps her shawl round her, and says something that wasn't meant for me to hear, and so up I gets and goes home, like a sensible fellow as I hopes I am, and has my Tea. Now, if that Gentleman should happen to cast his eye on this here page, and wouldn't dispise a kindly word from a umble Waiter, this is the advice I should give to him. Don't go a taking that butiful young thing on the damp sands of a evening, to see the sun set, and make her cry, but take her home, just before that time, and give her for her Tea just a small piece of nice juicy Rum Stake, a leetle underdone, and about half a dozen of oysters and half a pint of Stout, and then let him read his Punch to her. and he 'd see such a diffrence in her in about a week that he 'd hardly know her. Sunset and sentiment and spooning is all very well in their way, but depend upon it, Young Ladies, the first thing a sensible young fellow looks for in a wife, is good health. No objection to beauty and good temper to follow, but good health indispenserble. So don't dispise a homely stake now and then. There's a wigour and a witality and a sustaining power in it, that's somethink wunderful, and if anybody ought to Know I ought. The first requisite for a good appy life is a good appytite. It may be any man's fortune, who Knows, to beoome a Alderman or a Master of a Gill, and then where is he without this greatest of human blessings r Literally Nowheres! Fancy a Great Corporation without a good appytite. How long could it last? Brown says, "it would get small by degrees and beautifully less," till it disappeared altogether, and then, what's left behind P {Signed) Robert. SUMMERY PUNISHMENT IN THE ARMY. The new rules for punishment in the Army are called summery, because they certainly do not err on the side of severity. A refrao- tory soldier, duly convicted by a Court Martial, may be imprisoned in a field, but the field must not be planted with onions or anything else likely to cause annoyance to the prisoner. When the prisoner, through being lightly pinioned in fetters or handcuffs, or in both, is not able to cope successfully with wasps, cock-chafers, gnats, and bees, the raw recruits of the Army are to be in attendance with fans, or other implements. In brushing away the pests they are, on no account, to strike the prisoner, and a pri- soner receiving a blow under these circum- stances—however inadvertently—is entitled to claim his immediate discharge from custody. When in irons, the prisoner may be at- tached for a period or periods not exceeding two hours in eaoh day to a fixed object, but care must be taken that this object is not one likely to cause useless irritation in the prisoner. If the object is artistic, it must be selected according to the prisoner's taste; if it is not artistic, it must be neutral in both form and colour. No part of a summery punishment shall be inflicted in such a way as to leave any mark on the offender that cannot be immediately removed by soap and water. An Isle of Goats. Cyprus is reported to be overrun with goats, which, browsing upon the ligneous vegetation, devour the young plants and trees. Goats seem to have been troublesome in Cyprus long ago. Othtllo says to Ludovico— "Tou are welcome, Sir, to Cyprus—Qoata and monkeys!" Nowadays, however, we hear no complaints of the monkeys, which, as well as the goats in Cyprus appear to have exasperated the jealous Moor, according to the divine Williams. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Atjocst 20, 1881, SIR GORGIUS ON THE CONTINONG." Sir O. Midas {to his Younger Son). "Thk.uk 'a A Glass o" Champagne for yer, 'Enry! Down with it, my Lad—and thank 'Eaven you 'be an Englishman, and can afford to drink it!" THE INTERNATIONAL PLUNDER COMPANY UNLIMITED. DIRECTORS. Signor Fra Diayolo. t M. Cartouche. Stopman Pasha. | Jeremy Diddler, Esq.* Secretary.—Jacques Strop {pro tern.). Abridged Prospectus. Now that the British Government have notified to the Gentlemen Brigands of Europe and elsewhere, that the National Treasury will not be available for the payment of the ransoms of Englishmen captured in the ordinary way of business, it seems probable that the Bandit Profession on the Continent will gradually pass into decay, and perhaps altogether disappear. This being the case, it will be patent to the meanest comprehension that a great deal or first-rate talent will be available for developing other branches of the same industry. It has occurred to a financier who has enjoyed a lifelong experience of swindling in all its ramifications, that the Gentlemen Brigands who have recently been so greatly successful in Italy, Greece, and Turkey, would be willing, nay anxious, to connect themselves with an undertaking kindred in character to that which has hitherto been their sole occupation. Fortunately a business is ready to hand, and only requires to be suggested to be immediately adopted with enthusiasm by those brave spirits who are ready not only to die but to " do." For many years the Hotels of Europe have worthily com- peted with the mountains for pre-eminence in the great science of extortion. Where the Brigand has demanded a traveUer's money with a knife, the Inn-keeper has made the same request with a bill. On the whole (although both have been successful in obtaining the object of their mutual desires) the Inn-keeper has had the best of the bargain, as he has had nothing to fear from the gens d'armes and other unpleasant officials. He has had neither to fight nor to bribe. Uf * Who will join the Board after the shares have been allotted. late years, however, the Proprietors of Hotels have added in some cases physical to moral force, to obtain the accomplishment of their demands. An instance of this kind may be found in the treatment of some travellers a short time since in Switzerland, who had the audacity to ask more than once for a bed in a mountain hostelry. In the case referred to, although the waiters acted with admirable promptitude^ the assistance ot a Professional Brigand would have been simply invaluable. It is believed that the present Hotel Proprietors will welcome the new blood with the utmost heartiness, and make common cause with their more unconventional colleagues. The objectof this Company will be to acquire the goodwill, &c, of the highest-priced establishments in Europe, with a view to strength- ening their management with the above specified recruits. Mr. Jeremy Diddler has kindly consented to act as Managing Director when he shall have joined the Board. The only agreement that has at present been made is one between Signor Fra Diayolo, on the part of the Company, and Mr. Diddler on behalf of himself. The paper (provided by Mr. Diddler) bears a sixpenny stamp, and the signatures have been written in blood at the instigation ot Signor Fra Diavolo. Copies may be seen, (per- sonally,) in Deadman's Cave, Southern Italy, ana (on epistolary application) to A.Z., Post-Office, Seven Dials, London, England. Lamb's Fry. Said rash Miss Lamb to Parson Fryer, "To marry you is my desire." Said Parson Fryer unto Miss Lamb, "Not much in love with you I am." Thereafter he reflected, "Zounds! That's cost me just a Thousand Pounds!" Stout Conservatives.—Men of Weight in the City. August 20, 1881.] 81 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. QUALIFIED APPRECIATION. Sculptor. " I DELIGHT IN MODELLING YOUR FACE, BROWN! THERE 's such immense variety IN it "—{Brown begins to smile pleasantly) —"ONE BIDE OF THE FACE IS SO UTTERLY UNLIKE THE OTHER, YOU KNOW." [Brown's smile extends to the wrong side of his mouth. WILLS AND BEQUESTS. {From the " Willustrated London News.") The will of the late Mr. Prometheus, C.E., of Vulture Chambers, Beak Street, was proved on the 1st instant by the executors, Messrs. MiGfioi and Braxnworm. Some difficulty was experienced in obtaining probate, owing to the circumstance of one of the executors being temporarily resident in Colney Hatch Lunatic Asylum, and the other an inmate of St. Fancras Workhouse. The testator leaves his once valuable but long since expired pawnbrokers' duplicates of his Cross of the Legion of Honour and numerous other foreign decora- tions, his deceased wife's wedding-ring, his theodolite, mathematical instruments, and aluminium watch to a Grateful Country. To Sir Plutus Potboiler, Bart., of the firm of Potboiler, Gkxndnose, and Ktllbobin, of Leadenhall Street, E.C., who purchased from the testator for six hundred pounds all his patent rights in a machine for darning silk stockings, from which the Leadenhall Street firm are now making fifty thousand a year, he leaves a letter from the Secre- tary of the Charity Organisation Society, to whom Sir Plutus Potboiler had referred the testator's application for a loan of five pounds, Btating that, under the circumstances, the Society could not recommend that such loan should be granted. To any ingenious Americans who may like to take them up, and claim them for their own, he bequeaths his perfected inventions and models for Aerial Navigation, the Prevention of Shipwrecks, the Abrogation of Railway Accidents, the Storage of Sunshine, the Transmutation of Metals, the Manufacture of Diamonds, and the Production of Leading Articles from Mealy Potatoes. His heart (broken) he bequeaths to the Society of Hearts, and as much as is left of his liver to the Royal College of Surgeons. He commends his orphan daughter (a cripple) to the kind care of the Believing Officer. The will, with thirty-five codicils, of the late Fibebrass Netherby Millstone, Esq., of Old Broad Street, E.C., and Portland Place, was proved on the 3rd instant by the executors, the Earl of Flint and the Master of the Skinners' Company. The personal property was sworn under one million sterling. To eaoh of his executors he leaves twenty pounds; to the Society for the Propagation of Epidemio Diseases, £5,000; to the Society for Promoting the Vivisection of Art-Critics, £5,000; to the Society for the Suppression of Sunday Bands, £2,500; to the Society for the Persecution of the Jews, £1000; to the Society for the Encouragement of Corporal Punish- ment, £1000; to the Society for Putting Down the Poor, £10,000; to the Asylum for Decayed Bill-Discounters, £500; to the Association for Promoting Rheumatism amons; Night Cabmen, £500; to the Associate Institute for Preventing Discharged Criminals from obtain- ing Employment, £500; to the Scottish Widows' Snuff-Denial Corporation, £100; to the Anti-Vaccination Society, £100; to the Trustees of the Ugly Club, £1000. There are numerous other bequests to uncharitable institutions. To his only 6ister, Tabitha, he bequeaths £100 in Turkish Bonds, £100 in Mexican do., £100 in Spanish do., also his Portrait by Mabcus Stone, A.R.A., and his copy of Gisbokhe's Duties of Women. To his only son, Thomas (who married without the testator's consent), he leaves the sum of one shilling sterling. The residue of his property, both real and personal, he leaves to the Provost and Bailies tor the time being of the royal burgh of Butterscotch, N.B., in trust and for the endow- ment of Almshouses for Superannuated Directors of Bankrupt Banks and Penitent Writers to the Signet. The will of Major Timothy O'Deae of Ballyshindy Castle, County Cork, sometime M.P. for County Smithereen, was offered for pro- bate on the 10th instant by The 0'Dunbilk, M.P., and Captain the Hon. Looney MacTwolter. The property, for reasons subse- quently to be mentioned, was not sworn under any specific sum; but it was understood to be Immense. The testator bequeathed £10,000 to the Royal Humane Society, and legacies of tie same amount (all free of legacy duty) to the Royal Society for the Preven- tion of Cruelty to Animals, to the Ladies' Work Society, to the Royal Hospital for Women, to the Hospital for Sick Children, to the London School of Medicine for Women, to the Asylum for Idiots, and to the Cabmen's Benevolent Institution. Legacies of five hundred pounds were bequeathed to the Roval Literary Fund, to the Freemasons' Girls' School, to the British Orphan Asylum, to the Home for Jolly Old Boys, and to the Trustees ol' the Whiskey Drinking League. All the testator's numerous nephews and nieces (ho died a bachelor) were handsomely provided for. The diamond-hilted rapier presented to him by the late Bang of Aueucania he bequeathed to Mr. Henry Irving; his unrivalled collection of four-leaved Shamrocks to Miss Ellen Terry; his gold snuff-box, studded with emeralds (the gift of Prinoe Sneezoff) to the Committee of the Beefsteak Club; and the whole of his valuable stock of Dunville's Whiskey, with a silver flask bearing the touching inscription, "It is never too late to mend," was bequeathed to Sir Wilfrid Lawson. The entire residue of his real and personal property, comprising estates in County Smithereen as aforesaid, New River Shares, GreatNor-Nor-WesternDebentures, Preference Shares in the London and Domdaniel Line, pictures by the Old Masters, portraits by Mr. J. E. Millais, R.A., of the young Missuses, plate, jewels, horses, carriages, and a library of thirty thousand volumes, including ten first folios of the works of Shakspeare. all with the poet's autograph, the first edition of Don Quixote, in Spanish, with an autograph letter from Cervantes to hia washerwoman asking for time, he leaves to his old and beloved friend, Mr. Punch, of 85, Fleet Street, E.C., "as a slight recogni- tion of the debt of gratitude owing by all Irish hearts, to the most beneficent, the most munificent, and the most unselfish Philanthro- pist of the Age." Unfortunately, on inquiries being made, it was dis- covered by the executors that Major O'Dear had Deen thrice bank- rupt, and that he departed this life in a condition of complete insol- vency. i What He Meant. "Ladles turned Bicyclists?" oried Smith to Jones, "The very notion chills me to an icicle!" "Don't funk!" replied his friend, in airy tones, "A 'round of shopping' is the Lady's .Buy-cycle." ON THE WRONG) SCENT. "A Tbue-Blue Tory," seeing it announced that Lord Mount- Temple presided at a meeting of "The Commons Preservation Society," thinks that in these revolutionary times, he would have been better fulfilling the maxim Noblesse oblige by starting a Society for the Preservation of the Lords. Gratuitous Insult.—Asking a bald-headed man to join tha Society for the Preservation of Open Spaces. The Proper: Thing for Abdub-Rahman.—Abdux-cation. 82 [August '.0, 1881. PUNCH, Oft THE LONDON CHAFJVAK1. THE REINS OF GOVERNMENT." Conductor. "Any Gbn'lbman ridb Outside to oblige a Lady?' Stout Wife of small Methodist Parson (promptly). "I certainly won't allow this Gentleman to go Outside! There 's an East Wind, and he 's very subject to^—" [Conductor bangs door, and the other Passengers (Ladies) look quite gratified! "ALL A CROWE-ING, ALL A BLOWING!" (At the Covcnt Garden Concerts.) The Classical and Miscellaneous Nights at Covent Garden offer (rreat attractions to the " Contingent Remainders" in town during the Augustan era of the great grouse time, which to so many offers "metal moor attractive than metropolitan amusements. The Floral Hall as a huge smoking-room is a first-rate notion: here the "Miscellaneous" can enjoy the fragrant weed while the " Classicals" are having it all to themselves in the Concert, and vice vend. Miss Orridge is as charming as ever, which we feel is an Orridge- inal observation. Her " Star vicino albel idol" by Salvatoh Rosa —some relation, we were informed (not being well up in these things) of Cakl Rosa's—was deliciousiy given and enthusiastically encored, as was also Miss Elly Warnots in " Crepuscule." That funny man, Jack Wagge, who was in the box—" Jack-in-the-box," as he said, which threw us into tits—said that he was absolutely nuts on Miss Warnots, and several other good things of the same kind whioh might have been expeoted from a recognised joke- cracker when he gets suoh a name as " Warnots" to crack. The Overture to Der Freyschiitz was an effective finish to the first Eart on Wednesday last; and in the Miscellaneous portion the solos y Mr. Radcliff on the flute, by Mr. Hadfif.ld on that elephantine instrument the trombone—(should like to hear a trio between trom- bone, banjo, and tambourine)—and by Mr. Egerton on that melan- choly Wandering Minstrel's instrument the clarionet, were warmly applauded. Mr. A. Gwyllym Crowe go on Crowe-ing, by all ARRLERE PEN8EE. "I say," said 'Aery, to a friend, "do you know what the idea of keepin' 'Ounds is in French?" "No. What is it P" "Why, a ' Harrier Fonsay,' of course." THE BALLAD OF BACILLUS. Dedicated to Professor Virchow. "The same Bacillus as that found in hay was produced. On the other hand, the innooent organism found in hay might, by a different method of cultivation, be made to acquire virulent properties. Fed on a vegetable diet, it was tame and harmless; but, transplanted to another soil and given unimal nourishment, it became savage (verwildert) and virulent."—Vihchow's Address. On. merry Bacillus, no wonder you lay Quiescent and calm when at home in your hay; You never meant evil in hayfields, no doubt, Till cruel experiments worried yon out. An innocent germ on a sort of probation, Oh, why did pathologists try cultivation? We hear you were harmless and charmingly tame, So why did our Virchow besmirch your fair fame; Why should he transplant you, with infinite toil, To new and to wholly unnatural soil; When food vegetarian kept you so quiet, Why tempt you to fury on animal diet? "Verwildert!" says Virchow, who surely must know, You are, when transplanted, and cause us much woe; So prithee, Bacillus, don't travel so far As us, but stay peacefully just where you are. You 're innocent now, and have no wish to ravage, And we 've no desire, dear, to render you savage. Fictile Affairs.—Another "Movement" is announced, and another " Pan; " the former under the name of the latter—an united effort at the regeneration of the Ottoman Empire, entitled " Panis- lamism." Opinions may differ as to Pananglicanism; and Pan- slavism may or may not prosper; but there can be little question that Panislamism is a pan pretty sure of going to pot! August 20, 1881.] 83 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. CRUMBS OF COMFORT. A gkeat many people have left town, and many more are preparing to take holiday. In a great majority of cases, too, arrangements nave been made for repairs, papering and the like to be executed during the vacation. How sweet a thought then for the holidays is suggested by the evidence given in a burglary case the other day. It appears that the chief accomplice of a gang of burglars was a car- penter, whose share of the swag was earned by the in- formation he gave as to the fastenings of the doors and windows on premises where he had been employed. "He also kept a general look-out," it was said, "as to where the valuable property.was kept." "We should be curious to know whether there are many men of this stamp keeping a " general look-out on plate-boxes and jewel cases, and with an eagle eye to the spoons. How plea- sant for Paterfamilias when taking his ease by the sea to reflect that the British work- man at home is picking up information regarding the doors and fastenings, and keeping a " general look-out" as to the situation of the strong box! Such a case ought to make people quite comfortable when they go away from home, and leave the carpenters in possession. A Shoottng-Box. fernal Machine! -An In- [PUNCH'S FANCY PORTRAITS-NO. 45. OUIDA. "O fie! 'tis an unweeded garden."—Hamlet, Act I., Scene 2. POLICEMEN AT PLAY. Local Hampshire papers record an event no less aus- picious for all whom it con- cerns than a Police Crioket Match; a game recently played at the Southampton Cricket Ground between the members of the Borough Police force and those of the Metropolitan (Portsmouth Dockyard) Police. This, too, was a return match, the first having taken place at Haslar. Not only, therefore, on one day but on two days, and that during the present year, the Portsmouth Dock- yard Police and the South- ampton Borough Police have had sufficient leisure to admit of eleven of their number on either side being told off to exercise their muscular ener- S'es in manly sport. Happy ookyard, and happy Bo- rough, in which the dangerous classes require so little looking after that, at least on two distinct days, there was no occasion for anybody to crv "Where are the Police P" and receive for answer, in- cluding both sides, "Twenty- two of them gone to play Cricket!" A Sally by a Scot. — The Militia, as well as the Regular Arm}', said Lord Morlet, in the House of Lords, will be sub- ject to summary jurisdiction. Even, observes Atjldjo, during the Autumn manoeuvres. The End of the Seas-on. -Getting to Calais! HOW A BREACH OP PROMISE WAS AVERTED. (A Story with a if oral to it.) The church was crowded with townsfolk eager to witness the ceremony. The bride looked sparkling and triumphant. And Hogsbrizzel, the German animal-painter, who was then engaged on a series of scriptural frescoes for the ancestral home of Mr. Lewis Moss, the agreeable money-lender, declared that never until he saw the Rev. Adolphus Spoonley's countenance at the altar, had he been exactly able to do justice to the face of a sheep, at the moment that that meek animal was being sacrificed. The happy pair departed for their honeymoon, and the honeymoon was eclipsed by their return home. With love on neither side, hilarious domestic happiness was scarcely to be hoped for. The Curate found himself growing younger, instead of older, every day. Seven-and-twenty when he married, he was four-and-twenty at the end of the honeymoon. "When he endeavoured to become master in his own house, he sank back to the age of nineteen. When he would attempt to argue with his wife, he knew himself to be a schoolboy. Instead of a wife he had married a step-mother. He was afraid to ask twice for tart, lest it should look childish, and was more than once discovered by a churchwarden gazing in at a pastrycook's window. He had been noticed for playing a neat hand at whist, but he gave up that game. Not at the request of his wife solely, but because he felt that he would be more at home with marbles. The Sonatas, which had been his delight, he now found dry, and he would secretly whistle " Hilly Barlow," and " The Dark Oirl Dressed in Blue," melodies which had been popular in his youth. He suffered no more from his liver, and a weak heart gave him no concern, but he was nervous by apprehension of the measles, and painfully afraid of the mumps. The younger he grew, the older became his wife. The loss of spinsterhood had given her a good ten years increased age, the fact of her being mistress in somebody else's household another five. When they entered a friend's drawing-rooms together, the husband timidly followed behind. At the Rector's Adolphus had nearly told a new butler to announce them as "Mrs. and Master Spoonxey." She took up fads. At one time it was ferns, which she dried in her husband's best folios of Divines, at which he felt that he had been painting the engravings in the choicest gems of his grandfather's library. Then it was dogs, and when her poodle bit him in the leg, he was as obsequious to the animal as he would be to a Bishop on whose toe he had trodden. Then it was photography, and he looked in the pulpit as if he had just rushed away from St. James's Hall to do a second "turn," without having the time to get all the black off. Then it was nerves, and he longed for a quiet pipe in the Powder Magazine. Then it was neuralgia, and he envied those of his parishioners who laid in a good headache on Saturday night at the '' Bull and.Bottle." Then it was sleeplessness, and he sat up all night, till he wished he was the parish doctor, administering Boporilics. Then it was a wrong bottle, and then it was a coroner's inquest. "Of course," said young Flashley, in the billiard-room of the "Spotted Leopard," the verdict was accidental death. He didn't mean to poison her, being a Clergyman, but if it had been one of us" "Wars and rumours of wars, "said old Beown, thinking that something biblical was demanded of him for the occasion. Canon Spoonley is one of the most deservedly popular men in the Church. His wife, whom he married for money, is a charming companion, and a most able helpmate. He has risen high, the atten- tion of a great personage having been called to him after the delivery of his touching sermon on the death of his first wife, and gossip Eoints him out as the next likely Bishop. He is beloved by his ock, on whom he inculcates the beauties of youthful marriages, and he is never bo severe, so caustio, as when a breach of promise case comes under his notice. Toast for Ireland.—" May the Land Bill (when passed) super- sede the principle of laissez-faire by the rule of fair rent." 84 [August 20, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. CROQUIS" BY DUMB-CRAMBO JUNIOR. Hunting the Slipper. A Too-toorist. A Carry-Kate-tourist. Moorings, Jetty. Going to Margate (Market?). TOO-TOO AWFUL! A Sonnet or Sorrow. By Oscuro Wildegoose. "According to the Cape Argus, the Town Council of Gra- hamstown lately had a serious discussion on the subject,' What is a Dado?' and the Mayor vaguely conjectured that it was possibly ' an ecclesiastical term.' Dabs Continent? Yea, truly dark as Styx, And blind as bat noctivagant. It shocks The soul to find this noodle rout of Nox Floundering in such an ignominious fix. Is life worth living? Mailocx, no! Blank nix Symbols its worth in nescience bo complete, Dull to high Light, unsapient of the Sweet. Back to the days of lanthorns and rush-wicks Prone plunges palsied fancy at the thought Of that crepuscular Council. Life is nought Till Culture's crescent grows full plenilune. "What is a Dado t" Weep till all is blue, Te who had hoped to see our planet soon Lapped in the Elysian Limbo of Too-Too! Lord Rosebery. Now that the Seldom-at-Home-Secretary has got a young, active, and reforming lieutenant, in the person of Lord Rosebbby, there is some chance of a little parochial legislation. The Meddlevex Magistrates, Mud-Salad Market, the Defective Police, and other subjects that are not grand or heroic, or within the domain of Universal Politios, may possibly get a little attention. Lord Rose- beby has started well. He has resigned his connection with the Greeks. FOR GAMBETTA OR WORSE? (A few opportune hints to French candidates, picked up under the table of a Belleville Restaurant.) Befobe soliciting a suffrage or giving a vote, remember that the (Ian of yesterday may carry your programme of to-day much further than you expected to-morrow. If it does this, do not forget your duty to your unified country, which is your duty to yourself: Go with it! If you are an elector, bear in mind that the platform shibboleth you least understand is that to which you should most devotedly pin your faith. If a great, illustrious, and singularly disinterested Statesman, who never passes a week without "saving'the country," tells you to vote for the candidate who will ensure yon the "solidarity and indivisibility of the Republic," go blindly to the ballot-box, and await the future with the calm confidence of an easily satisfied patriot. Do not forget the aphorism of your great countryman, "a Frenchman if you will,—but first a fool." If you are a candidate for eleotion, see that your qualifications are adequate. The authorship of a few scurillous articles in an obscure provincial paper, should prove to you a valuable recommendation in the eyes of the electors. But be quite sure you have not studied politics for more than a fortnight, and keep before you continually the vital fact, that the less you are practically acquainted with them the better qualified you will be to direot, and possibly complicate, publio affairs. If possible, be at the mercy of some wire-puller. This will make you even still more useful to the vast Genius that controls the destinies of your country. And above all, speak without reflection or reserve, remembering that the true, that is the successful politician, does not court the intelligence, but natters the whims of his audience. If warmly cheered, speak in one sense: if faintly, in another: and impress yourself with the conviotion that that policy alone is sound, which, promulgated by you with applause over the soup, you are prepared to execrate and to hoot with the dessert. Finally, all of you, candidates and electors, remember your last duty to I!(tat. Need I remind you who personifies that f The Medical Congress. This gathering of all the talents from all parts of the medical world, has probably not broken up a day too soon. The Doctors have enjoyed themselves immensely, but, in the meantime, what has become of the unfortunate patients f There are some patients who get better, and some worse, when their family Doctor leaves them. In the first place it is bad for the Doctors; in the second it is bad for the patients. "A DAY IN THE COUNTRY." [According to Mr. W. Fowler.) Oh, it was a dreadful sight! Here was a noisy roysterer of some six summers (and as many winters), wickedly sucking a demoralising sugar-stick! There was another infant (equally reckless) deeply drinking a foaming goblet of maddening sherbet! Who could behold such things without a shudder! And see, the Van approaches! It has stopped, before entering the forest, to—(oh, the shame of it!)—to water the horses! And the result? The abandoned children (abandoned in every sense) have actually been treated to corrupting buns and heart-destroying lemonade! Nay, more! Amongst that giddy, delirious throng there are those who have partaken freely of that malignant beverage, ginger-beer! Oh dear! Shame! shame! shame! As it has already been written (in a letter from the House of Commons to the Times), "it is shocking, even to the easy-going parent, to see children thus 'treated,' and that great 'reverence which is due to the young, apparently forgotten by those who are for the time in the parents' place." Oh yes! Shocking! shocking! shocking! And it is far better to denounce these horrible things (even when the denunciation is printed in an obscure corner of a back column on "our outer sheet") than to send a contribution of a widely different kind to a Fund giving thousands of poor children one happy day a year in the country! A Revelation. I doted, I 'm free to confeBS, on her hair, It was wondrously long and so charmingly fair; And so when one evening we walked on the Pier, I whispered the tenderest words in her ear. Then a strong wind uprose, and she blushed rosy red— As it blew all that beautiful hair off her head: She was bald as an egg, and I blest that hard breeze, For disclosing that fact by the shimmering seas. EPISCOPAL METHODISM. Ow Wednesday, last week, the Bishop of St. Aibas's consecrated a new parish church, replacing an old one, at Wesley, near Colchester. Oysters! Fancy a Bishop consecrating a Weeleyan edifice! To r/jimromm, — The Bditor ion not hold himulf bound to ackno-alrdge, relura, or pay for Contributions. M m com can that bt rttwrntd unltu innftnU *» • ttantped and directed enwelope. CopUs thotild bt kept August 27, 1881.] 85 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. PLETHORA." TO FAIL in your 'Exam.'? I Coach. "Dear, dear! How came you THOUGHT I HAD CRAMMED YOU SUFFICIENTLY "Phtckid." "Ah—FACT IS—YOU crammed me so tight, that I couldn't GET IT OUT!" BOUND IN KUSSIA. [From a Correspondent who ha* got due North.) When you travel in Russia you are supposed to leave Western civilisation behind you, and so you do. You leave the Channel-boat, a vessel which a cynical writer said was constructed to diminish the distance between pitoh-and- toss and manslaughter; you leave such a triumph of French ingenuity as Calais Station, which is like a railway terminus of the Middle Ages; you leave Mich a German Bedlam of lost, stolen, mislaid, Custom-House-worried, and useless travelling lumber-luggage as Cologne; and you leave the ill-paved, overgrown village of Berlin, across whioh for several miles you have to be bumped in a hack-cab in order to catch your northern train by the skin of your teeth. For two days and a night after leaving Cologne you pass through a country that is like slices of swampy Essex laid between slices of smoky Lan- cashire, until you reach the frontier of Russia, or rather another part of the stolen and divided kingdom of Poland. Here the passport and Custom-House system is a reality and not a sham, and you feel like a criminal as you stand at a bar and watch a small army of inquisitors examining your papers." A member of the Secret Police probably walks round you on the platform, or accompanies you in the train to St. Petersburg. There are few or no news- papers on the bookstalls, as most of them have been suspended, but there are plenty of naughty French novels. The stalls, however, are open at all hours of the night, which is better than the nine to six arrangement in England. When you leave Western civilisation behind you, you find other changes. The refreshment-stations are like good, foreign hotels, and the waiters meet you in clean, full evening dress, ana serve you in white gloves. There is no bustle and no hurry. The train travels at the express rate of from fifteen to twenty-five miles an hour. There are few junctions, and no cross traffic. You seem to pass no trains, and no trains seem to pass you. A child might toddle across the line in safety. No one perspires; no one seems flurried. The car- riages are divided into little rooms for two or more persons, and there is every accommodation for sleeping. It is only incurably dirty travellers like myself, who go round the world with a woollen shirt and two paper collars, who are not as presentable on a platform after forty-eight hours in a train as they would be at a Flower Show. It is hardly fair, perhaps, to call it a train; it is more like a travelling monastery. The bells at the Stations make the faintest sounds, being a combination of the English muffin-bell and the Belgian chimes. They seem to ring you drowsily to a meditative service, and not to a journey. You look calmly out of the window, and have ample time to study the country. You see the peasant proprietor tilling his ground, and raising patches of pro- ductive agrioulture amidst acres of bog-land and fir- forest. Some of the low-roofed wooden villages are like collections of Indian wigwams. There is no excuse for dilapidated walls and roofs in a country where plenty of wood can be had for nothing; but, such as they are, they are not as bad as the turf huts in the West of Ireland. It is the old story—drink. A revenue as large as that of England is drawn even more largely from spirits. Russian financiers are not the wisest people in the world; they eat their candle at both ends. LAYS OF A LAZY MINSTREL. THE PINK OF PERFECTION. With manly step and stalwart stride, The Minstrel paced the pier at Ryde! And as he shook those hoary locks, He gazed upon the pink, pink frooks! And while his merry banjo rang, 'T was thus the Lazy Minstrel sang! With frocks and their wearers to dazzle my eyes Their glories, I scarce dare to sing 'em: I timidly gaze and I glance in surprise. At beauties in cambric and gingham! A Paris I feel in this Garden of Dress, And, had I to make a seleotion— The Apple of Gold, I most freely confess, I 'd give to the Pink of Perfection! ir. It must not remind you of raspberry ice, Nor cheek of a milkmaid or cotter; A lobster-like redness is not at all nice, Nor feverish glow of the blotter; It Bhould not recall a Bardolphian nose, Nor yet a pomegranate bisection— Throughout the whole garden you'll scarce find a rose, A match for the Pink of Perfection! A strawberry crushed, almost smothered in cream, Nearly matches the colour it may be: The Jungfrau iust flushed with the earliest beam, The hue of the palm of a baby: The faint ruddy tone you may see in a shell, The rose in a young girl's complexion— All or any of these, it is easy to tell, Will pass for the Pink of Perfection! IV. This frock when it's made with most exquisite taste, And fits like a glove on the shoulder; With yoke and full pleats and a band at the waist, Will gladden the passing beholder! With lace and with buttons of mother o' pearl— You '11 say, on maturest reflection, The best of all garbs for a pretty young girl, No doubt is the Pink of Perfection 1 Then if such a dress you meet down by the sea, And find, when you 've carefully eyed it, In make and in fashion 'tis good as can be, With a neat little figure inside it; And a sweet little face peeping over a ruff, Which laughs at your lengthy inspection, I think y»u'll admit I have said quite enough— You've found out the Pink of Perfection I vol. lxxxt. S6 [August 27, 1881. PUNCH, OH THE LONDON CHARIVARL W^. ,! V TO ARTISTS. The best kind of Easel in a High Wind. A LEAF FROM MR. BRIGRTS DIARY. Monday Morning, I was in tously in the seductive pastime of fly-fishing. When I awoke, found myself grasping towel-horse firmly in one hand, and—imagining it to be attached to a line—was endeavouring to throw into the centre of a delicious pool for trout! Consequence was, nearly threw it into washhandstand basin. This dream makes me long to be on my native heath. Why will Parnell persist in troubling, and when will the Tories be at rest P If I wasn't a Minister and a Right Honourable but there! After reading one or two of Cobden's Free-Trade Speeches, a chapter from one of the Minor Prophets, and an oration of Demo- bthenes (Bohn's useful edition), go down to breakfast. Letter from a foolish person who signs himself "An Inquiring Yorkshire Youth." Inquires about the "Fair-Trade League," and wants to know my opinion of it. A well-meaning and evidently nervous young man. Says " his mind is disturbed on the question." Allusion to his mind obviously absurd. Leave breakfast to write scathing answer at once. My family send in to beg me not to kick the furniture about quite so much. I explain that I am only giving arguments about Free Trade. Family retires, apparently satisfied with explanation. (Find afterwards that family conceal all letters addressed to me with post-mark from any Yorkshire or Lancashire town. Also find the most valuable articles of furniture removed from my study. Can only kick a second-hand sofa and iron-legged chairs now!) Resume breakfast, and peruse my reply to the "Inquiring York- shire Youth " with much satisfaction:—"Those dunderheaded and irreclaimable idiots who presume to talk on a subject which their feeble brains could never hope to comprehend "—that will show the Inquiring Youth the advantages of Free Trade, I fancy. Person- ally, I like this vigorous style of controversy. Produces same effect on my mind as mountain air—(" Bonny Scotland" again)—on my body. My friends think it a little violent. I oall it simply bracing. In the .Hbiwe.—Find that fifteen returned convicts are trying to break in down chimney in Speaker's private apartments. Go and look on. Observe that, as Inspector Denning pulls them out one after another, they seem disappointed, and somewhat disarranged owing to the narrowness of the flue. It appears they wanted to steal the Mace! Oo back to House and think about making im- passioned speech—as matter of Privilege—on the "deathly pallor" of the fifteen returned convicts, and advisability of giving the Mace to the poor fellows, to be melted down, by way of compensation. Conclude not to do so, and go off home early instead. Tuesday.—Examine my flies in bed before rising. The old red hackle the best after all for salmon. Read a bit of Isaac Walton, and to breakfast. 5 p.m.—House again. Very empty. Most of the Members have gone off to Scotland! They are not Right Honourable*. Feel irri- table, and am just rising to remark that I consider Lord Salisbury a Demoniac Peer, when Gladstone pulls me down by the coat-tails, to remind me that I am a Right Honourable. Very provoking! A sent in the Cabinet has its disadvantages. Fortunately have brought my fly-rod with me. Spend rest of evening in showing Forster how 1 hook a twenty-pound salmon, in quiet corner behind Speaker's Chair. Wednesday.—Second and last letter from "Inquiring Yorkshire Youth." Thinks my arguments exceedingly unsatisfactory, and has in consequence justioined " Executive Committee of National Fair-Trade League. Wliat an idiot! In House again.—Lords still amending Land Bill! Chamber- lain tells me privately he feels very much harassed about French Treaty. French won't buy Bradford cotton. What would Cobden say? Poor Chamberlain never knew Cobden. Rather afraid Cham- berlain has been got at by Sir Edward Sullivan, Mr. Ecrotd, and perhaps—who knows ?—by the Duke of Manchester! Feel sure Chamberlain wouldn't yield to any Protectionist short of a Duke. Midnight.—Owing to continued impossibility of getting off to "Bonny Scotland," nerves out of order. Make rather impetuous speech, Gladstone being temporarily absent. Don't remember any stronger expression in it than "feeble and futile opposition of a pampered aristooracy." Thursday.—Hurrah! Letter from W. E. G. Says he feels sure I want change of air. Won't I go off to Scotland at once? I will! August 27, 1881.] 87 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE GATHERING OF THE CLANS. 1 r>\ .t i -n*. From many a strath and moor they come, that's fanned hy Norland breeze, From where the wild Atlantic breaks upon the Hebrides; From Fifeshire, where the golfers play beside the foaming Forth; From Sutherlandshire, where the winds come howling from the North; From Perthshire and from Lanarkshire the gallant troops will press, And Aberdeen will fraternise with lads from Inverness. They gather at the Queen's command wl era Arthur's Seat looks down, A couchant lion keeping watch o'er all the ancient town; They show that Scottish faith is leal, and Scottish hearts as bold, As when, beneath Saint Andrew's Cross, they warred with us ot old. But lo! the ancient feuds are o'er, and Scotch and English ride Together, 'neath one banner now, to battle side by side! 88 [August 27, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHiRIVARI. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. Prince of W-l-s. Earl of R-a-b-i Duke of t'-mbr-dge. ry. Lord Crnbr-k. Bishop of P-t-rb-r-gh. Duke of Ab-rc-rn. lord Ch-lmsf-ri. Earl Sp-uc-r. Earl of K-mb-rl-y. Lord C-rl-ngf-rd. Earl of Sh-ft-sb-ry. Arcubiabop of C-nt-rb-ry. MORE "FORMS OF THE HOUSES." (By Electric Light.) Monday, August 15.—Mr. Macdonald came down to-night deter- mined to ride upon the whirlwind and direct the Btorm. "Toby," he said, turning back the skirts of his coat, and thrusting forward his swelling chest just as I have seen a pigeon do, "this is a case where the people's moving, and I 'm Vox populous. Burt 's too quiet, and that there Bboadhurst 's trying to cut me out. But I '11 snow 'em to-night who's who." So he did; only House seems to have known it before. Fine opportunity for a modest man to come out. Great heart of the country raging because my Lords have been coming the Marquis over the Land Bill. Great heart even now beating against the rail- ings of Palace Yard, or as near to them as a vigorous police, in good practice, will allow it to come. House crowded; expectancy written on every face, and a copy of the Lords' Amendments in every hand. Presently hear a sound like the beating of the sea on a distant shingly shore. "They're cheering Gladstone," Habcourt says, comforting himself under this misappropriation of popular esteem by softly stroking the swelling of his chin. Presently Gladstone comes in, looking a little flushed. Cheer taken up from Ministerial Benches, and rings out again. Lord Lansdowne, seated in the gallery over the clock, looks down, mar- velling. Had no idea of this sort of thing. Marquis of Water- ford, who had recently occasion to believe accepted view of his career a mistake, and that he really is a statesman, begins to doubt. "Thank heaven," said Lord Brabourne, who has studied all Mr. Disraeli's sayings, "that there's twenty feet between us and the Commons!" All the while Macdonald "wisibly swellin." Excited with the cheers outside, demented by the oheering within, gets a curious notion that it is himself all the enthusiasm wells up around. Now is the time to strike. The Hour demands the Man. Perhaps if he doesn't make haste, Gladstone will be up claiming to have some- thing to do with the matter. So Macdonald rises, and standing well out on the floor, so that he may be seen of men, "wants to know whether it is comp'tent to any Hon'ble Member to move the rejeotion of the Lords' Amendments as a whole at once." Why this ribald laughter? Wherefore this snub from the Speaker? and why this hearty reception of Gladstone, when they had only laughed at him? ,rHenvy, Toby, henvy," said Mr. Macdonald, with a sigh. "It's all very well them sayin' they like the workin' man. But let a workin' man's Member show that he can dress as well as them, wear watches and chains and rings like them, use words even bigger than them, talk about his ' noble friends' like some of them, and show hisself ready at any moment to lead the House, and then you '11 Bee where they '11 be. As Shakspeabe says, Scratch a Corsack and you '11 find a Tartar." Business done.—Lords' Amendments to Land Bill knocked over again. Tuesday.—Quite an affecting parting with Mr. Rylands just now. Peteb has gone home a sadder and a wiser man. Not even the excitement of pairing for the rest of the Session with Randolph has raised his spirits. The Session has been a blank to him, broken at the last by two acute disappointments following sharp on each other's heels. When the Liberals were in opposition, Petes had rather a good time of it. No week passed but he had some tremendous Resolution on the Orders, and frequently made a speech. Now, with his party in power, he is evilly entreated when he would table a Resolution, and howled at by his neighbours when he would make a speech. All this he bore with great patience, though he tells me, with tears in his eyes, no one knows what he has suffered. But he saw reward almost within reaoh. When Grant Duff went to India, Peteb felt that the only uncertainty was whether Gladstone would offer him the Under-Secretaryship at the Colonies or in the Home Department. Peter rather fancied the Colonies, as offering a wider field for an Imperial mind. Went and looked over the Colonial Office in a casual manner to make some inquiry, and thought Grant Duff's room very pleasant. Dreadful blow when a faithless and forgetful Minister passed kirn by. Fresh gleam of hope when orisis arose with Land Bill. Rumoured that if the Lords stuck out, Gladstone would make a fresh batch of Peers. "How would 'Lord Bubnlet' look?" Peter said to me only last Friday night. "Or do you like 'Baron Thelwall' better?" Didn't know what was in his mind at the moment. Thought they were alternative titles for a novel. But all clear now. The Under - Secretaryships are filled; there are to be no more Peers; and Peteb wearily wends his way homeward meditating on man's ingratitude. It was in this humour that Randolph, who knows about Mephis- topheles and Faust, got hold of him and opened friendly negotiations by proposing to pair. Fancy from something Peteb said we shall hear more of this next Session when the Fourth Party may appear with a notable recruit. Business done.—Lords accepted Commons' Amendments to Land Bill. Wednesday.—Singularly pleasant man, Sir William Habcoubt, when he is pleased with himself, a thing which often happens in spite of ill-natured remarks to the contrary. Came upon him this afternoon with a piece of paper before him, softly smiling to himself, and gently caressing his cnin. "What do you think of that, Toby f" he said, showing me the paper. 1 thought a great deal of it. Really a capital idea. Sir William at the Lord Mayor's banquet made some beautiful remarks about Mr. Gladstone, full of tender feeling, high appreciation, and enthu- siastic personal devotion. Am told several Aldermen wept when they heard it. Some discriminating person has had the passage reprinted in letters of gold, and sends Sir William a few spare copies. "Beautiful!" I said, "admirable! touching! But don't you think it would be nice and appropriate to add, perhaps in letters of silver, the few remarks you offered about Mr. Gladstone in the early months of the Session of 1875, when he appeared to be in such low water that there seemed never a chance of nis holding his head up again P Don't you remember how you turned upon him as he sat by your side on the front Opposition benoh, and how the Tories cheered, and how" But he was gone, after giving me a look as black as thunder. Suppose I must have said something. Always putting my foot in it. Business done.—Mr, Pabnell moves Vote of Censure on Mr. FOKSTEB. August 27, 1881.] 93 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Thursday Niphl.—Alwswa have thought it would he a delightful thing if the Irish Members would make their speeohcs in their native language. They could say what they liked, and no one could call them to order. T. P. O'Connor's got hold of my idea, and partially worked it to-night. Talking about Mr. Forster s rule in Ireland, he said, "it was, without sahn-frars, tyranny." Don't know what this means. But it sounds picturesque. Asked Sir Charles 1)i lke. Under Secretary for Foreign Affairs must know foreign languages, including Irish. Sir Charles evidently tickled at something, but too polite to laugh. "It's not Irish, tnon on»»V' he ■■Hjl." though it would be too much to say it's French. T. P. has read in Oulda's novels, or perhaps in the London Journal, about something being said 'tans phrase.' The 'with- out' is tautological; but the intention was good." I suppose this is all right. But I believe it was Irish. Business done.—Mr. Pahnell's vote of censure nega- tived by 83 votes against 30. Saturday.—Irish Members had their last entertain- ment to-day. Opened last night; kept at it from five in the afternoon till close upon four this morning, and began again at noon. Grows a trifle dull, and a little monotonous. Find it possible to have too much of Healy, and a great deal too much of T. P. O'Connor. Rumoured in the House to-day that A. M. Sullivan is worse. Everyone, that is the dozen or score here, un- affectedly sorry to hear this. The death of A. M. Sulli- van would be a loss equally divided between Ireland and England. Has shown through his too brief Parliamentary career, how an Irishman may be unflinchingly true to his national politics, and yet preserve the courtesy of a gentleman. -Inflexibly honourable, stubbornly honest in his political relations, witty, humorous, eloquent, and skilled in fence, Sullivan: with one or two others, has succeeded in keeping the intellectual fame of Ireland from being swamped Dy the stagnant waters of olownish medioority, whioh for seven long years have sapped its foundations in the House of Commons. Business done.—Irish Votes in Supply. "OUT OF THE WOOD." At last! Long hid from heaven's free light, Fared stoutly on the adventurous Knight, With firmly-poised lance. Through gloomy glade, through tangled fret Of thorn and bramble closely set To stay his bold advance. Nor these alone, but shapes of fear Peopled the vistas dim and drear Of that enchanted wood; Ear-vexing voices boding ill, And spectral sprites of wicked will, And ghouls, a gibbering brood. Yet on fared he, though checked, unstayed; Though shocked, unshaken; all arrayed In proof from heel to crest: And now, though pale from perils past, Victor the Knight comes forth at last From that amazing quest. With lifted hand, with eyes aglow, And, seated at his saddle-bow, Safe and unshackled, she, The leaguered Lady whom to aid He braved that black wood's boding shade And baneful mystery. Good Knight! Though grey, of strength and truth Which shame the force and faith of youth, A triumph won right well! Oh, may it bring long peace and rest To her tor whom thine arduous quest Was urged 'gainst sword and spell! THE PEERS ON THE LAND BILL. English Noble Lord. Think it's all right. Irish Noble Lord. Not all right, but a good deal better than if it had been any worse! A CRITERION INDEED! Brown. "Hampstead salubrious? I believe you, my Boy! Why, I came here three months ago a perfect wreck from dyspepsia, and now, i 'm blessed ip i can't eat the whole of a three-and-slxpenny lobster fob Supper, and wake up next day without thinking unkind thinqs OF ANrOlfE, NOT EVEN MY WIFE'S RELATIONS !! I" "INFORMATION RECEIVED." Professor Muddlehead says he has discovered a small planet b 41, which no one else can see, and don't want to, in the latitude of Jupiter, not far from the perihelion of Saturn, and outside the apogee of Urania. Mr. Selfe Puffe, the Author of Dialogues of Dustmen, the racy style of which was apparent to no one save the Author and a few friends whom he asked to dinner, will shortly bring out a companion volume, Conversations of Coster mongers. Mr. Mahlstick, who painted a portrait of Mr. Bright last year, though we think he called it Gladstone, but it was as like one as the other, is engaged on a portrait of Mr. Bumptious, a leading member of the St. Pancras Vestry. The paupers are at last avenged. Mr. Meteorological Officious writes to us to say that last Tuesday was the hottest day he has known since 1839. As Mr. Meteorological Officious was born in 1841, this information is of great value. Mrs. Mary Boodles, the eminent Lady Doctor, is bringing out another edition of her work, Juvenile Diseases and How to Cure Them. We regret to learn that all her children are down with whooping cough. Mr. Lycurgus Draco, Q.C., whose book on The Practice of the Divorce Court, is a standard ono, and a manual for all law students, will shortly appear, we hear, as a co-respondent. We understand that the MS. of Mr. Weighty's Epic on the Seventeenth Cen- tury, in twenty-four books, has been totally destroyed by fire. If his publishers are half as glad as we are, they '11 ask us to dinner. A Liberal Interpretation. "Now, you surprise me I " says Mrs. Muddlemarch, listening to thenews- paper account of the latest extensive discoveries just made in Upper Thebes. What, in the very self-same tomb, along with all them Royal Mummies, no less than fifteen Whigs! And you call Egypt a fust-class Conservative Power after that '< Go along with you I" The Stopper to Ireland's Improvement.—Cork. Augcbt 27, 1881.] 95 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI. "SPORTING." Cabby (on the Rank at the top of our Square.) "Beg your pardon, Miss !—'takin' the liberty—but—'ow does the Game stand now, Miss? 'Cause me and this 'ere 'Ansom 's got a Dollar on it!" At last we draw near the Amarintha. A tall man, chiefly in flannels, and with a decidedly un-nautical hat—(by the way, IIallsher is the only really correctly nautically-attired of the party—and, to any one unaccustomed to naval costume, he might be anything from an admiral in undress_ to an elderly midshipman. N.B.—Are there elderly midshipmen? or are they really mis-called, and remain only boys, midship boys, but "men" by courtesy?)—is shooting on board. Is he near-sighted too? Because he doesn't seem to see us approaching, but continues shooting until the nautical men, whom I subsequently find are the Captain and the Mate, come up to him, and I suppose point out to him the danger of shooting at a boat approaching with people in it. What is he shooting at? It sud- denly occurs to me that to-day is August 12th, the festival of St. Grouse, in the North, and we are in Scotland—that is, off the coast of Scotland. Still, grouse don't fly over the sea like gulls, and I don't as yet observe anything flying away from him, or tumbling dead into the water. "We find that he is shooting at a bottle in the sea, and I point out to him before being introduced, that he should never fire at a bottle in the sea, as, in case of hitting it, which in his particular case seems a remote chance, it might contain despatches of importance, or letters from shipwrecked mariners, or, perhaps worse, fatally-lost mariners, who at the last moment have found time and opportunity to write letters home to their friends, and then got a bottle to post them to the nearest shore. The shooter, affably and with the utmost good-humour, explains that he has himself chucked the bottle in, and he adds, with a hearty laugh—I have seldom heard so hearty a laugh at the best ioke ever made—that he intends to "crack a bottle or two before Dreakfast." At this, having, I feeL rather interfered where I had no sort of business to say anything, I also go into a hearty laugh—a friendly, peace-making laugh—and so does Hailsher, who, I fancy, has been a little nervous at my venturing on giving the shooter a lecture before being introduced to him. Cullins the Composer also laughs, but not loudly nor heartily, nor, as it $eems to me, intelli- gently. Indeed, I am sure, were I to ask Cullins, in the words of a well-known song, "At what is the old man laughing?" he would be unable to give a satisfactory account of it. Already the sea seems to have affected him. He tells us that he will be all right "after a wash;" from which we conclude that he is all wrong before it—that iB, at the present moment. It turns out that, years ago, I have had the pleasure of being introduced to the tall shooter. He is a Dean of a College, and if build goes for anything, he is both a High and Broad Churchman, being at least six-feet-two in height, and of proportionate breadth and stoutness. We shake hands heartily, as if we 'd been separated by a cruel fate for years, and had at last come together in spite of all difficulties. We are so glad to meet one another, it is perfectly delightful to witness. Our host asks us if we (Cullins and myself) wouldn't like to go below, and take a bath before breakfast. Happy Thought.—Bath. Accepted with thanks. We descend "the companion," which Cullins, who seems depressed, insists on speaking of as "the stairs." I am rather proud of calling things by their right names on board the Amarintha. I don't know many things, Dut those I do I take every opportunity of speaking about. I recognise "the rattlins," the "shrouds," the "sheets," the "main sheet,"—but am a little uncertain as to the boom-spanker or the boom-spinnaker, or the spinnaker-boom—not being quite clear how to pronounce them, and being utterly vague as to the spelling, if required. Delightful yacht! C ulllns and myself are to share the same cabin. Hailsher announces this to us in his politest and kindest manner, so as to anticipate and do away with any sort of obj ection on our part to one another's company. We express our immense delight at the arrangement, and eye one another askance as the first thought occurs to each of us, "Does the other one snore?" "I think you'll be good stable-companions," says Hailsher, in the pleasantest possible manner, as he retires and leaves us to the Steward, only popping his head in again to observe that breakfast will be ready in half-an-hour. Now for the bath. The Steward raises a trap-door in the floor— just like discovering a hidden treasure, or giving a hunted-down man in a melodrama the means of escape by a secret way leading down to the caves on the shore—and shows us something unpleasantly suggestive of a sort of amateur coffin on board, and which he points out to us with pride as "The Bath!" 96 [August 27, 1881, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. DUMB-CRAMBO DRAWINGS. Itfracombe (IU-for-a-comb) Deal. Blackpool. DETUK DIGNIORI. (A few more Presents to follow the Arm-chair.) Lord Granville.—A gallon of Golden Syrup. Sir Stafford tforthcote.—Old English Cabinet (key missing). Lord Kimbcrley.—A Dutch Oven (self-acting). Lord R. Churchill.—A Cuckoo Clook (quite out of order). Mr. Labouchere.—A Refrigerator. Sir W. Harcourt.—A set of Vinegar Cruets, and a Policeman's Rattle. Mr. Biggar and a few Friends.—A very pretty Kettle (with fish complete). Sir W. Lawson.—A mechanical Piano (playing one tune}. The Speaker.—A Housekeeper's Apron and an Order- Book. Mr. Bradlaugh.—A Dumb Waiter and a packet of Beetle Poison. Lord Salisbury.—An Oriental Screen. Sir Drummond Wolff.—A Chinese Gong. The Duke of Argyll—A Cab WhiBtle. Mr. Childers.—A new Broom. The Sergeant-at-Arm*.—A front-door Key, with chain, catoh, and alarm-signal, as advertised. Mr. Parnell.—An American Rocking-Chair (balance damaged). Mr. Fawcett.—A Four-Poster. Lord Carlingford.—A Lift (unexpected). Mr. Ashmead-Bartlett.—A set of Skewers. And— The Cabinet.—A Harlequin Tea Set. The End or the Polytechnic.—" Instruction com- bined with amusement." LANDBILLIA. [Fragments of a Lay sung in lite Via CeUra the week after the great Battle between the proud Patrician Furius Oecilius Salburius, and the Tribune Billius Oladstonius, great Champion of the Commons andfrainer of Agrarian Laws.) Ye good men of the Commons, with sturdy souls and true, Who stood by brave Gladstonius, as he had stood by you, Come make a circle round me, and mark my tale with care, A tale of what the Plebs have dared, and yet again may dare. • • • • » • Of all the Upper Ten whoso brows the Strawberry Leaves have prest, Cecilius of the acrid tongue was proudest, haughtiest. He stalked about the Senate like King Tarquin in his pride, And most of the Patrician host were marshalled on his side. And the Plebs eyed askance with doubt, which well he hoped was fear, That swarthy brow, that curling mouth, that ever seemed to sneer. That brow of black, that mouth of soorn, looked signs of iron will, And none believed Ceciltus wished the Commons aught but ill. • ••••• Up from the Commons briskly the fair Landbillia came. Offspring of great Gladstonius, that Plebs-loved son of fame. And up the Senate stairs she passed, and, as she danced along, Gladstonius warbled cheerily words of the good old song, "She will return, I know her well!" thus the fond Sire out-sang, And through the Senate's portals his mellow accents rang. Cecilius heard that stout old voice, he saw that bright young face, And hated both with the fierce hate born of his race and place. Quoth he, "If I don't make him pipe another sort of song, And if, when she returns to him, he deems her not ' gone wrong,' May I be "Here he turned on heel, and up the stairway strode. Whilst rang a word upon the air which sounded much like "blowed. The fair Landbillia back returned. Why doth her grey-lock'd Sire Look sadly on her P Why so shake the Commons all with ire? Limp, plume-lopped, drooped Landbillia, sore shorn of half her charm, So well Cecilius kept his word who vowed to work her harm. "Back, Plebs-born chit! if we can't ban intruders such as you, What profits our Patrician blood, as hot as it is blue?" So spake the swart Cecilius; and deep stern anger came On all the people, and they cried on the Gladstonian name. For he was the great Tribunc; who spake with words of might Which make the rich man mind his eye, and guard the poor man's right. Greater than Spurius Cassius who shaped th' Agrarian Law, Valerius and Hobattus were far less stout of jaw. Licinius and Publiltus, who the Patrician hand Slackened from its all-grasping grip upon the Publio Land, Were not so Plebs-beloved as he, whose voice as strong as dear, Poured thick and fast the burning words the Parties quaked to hear. Straightway Gladstonius took the maid a little way aside, And touched her up, and smoothed her down, and gazed on her with pride, And softly, blandly spake he, but they who knew his style, Could see the steel beneath the silk, the teeth behind the smile. "Go! and if sour Ceciliub again should prove unkind, I rather think Ceciliub will wish—well, never mind." So he; the Commons heard him, and raised such thunderous cheer, That underneath his strawberry leaves Cectlius quaked with fear. Then for a little moment the People held their breath: Should it be yielding here or there, or battle to the death t And in another twinkling forth brake a general grin, For out stepped sour Cecilius and quietly—caved, in! So passed the fair Landbillia to those high halls above, Where proud Patricians bowed to her they something less than loved. So triumphed great Gladstonius, who rather grimly smiled, As sour Ceciltus once more led forth his cherished child, Uninjured from the ordeal stern; but, smiling, dropt his blade, And those two doughty champions, so late for fight arrayed, Like Boxus and like Coxus each on other's shoulder fell, What time the Commons chuckled, and the Plebs cried "AU is well!" FAVOURITE QUOTATION FOR THE ' FAIR-TRADE LEAGUE." "He that is taxed, not seeing how you tax him, let him not know it, and he's not taxed at all." Another for their Opponents.—" Customs more honoured in the breach than the observance." DEAR FOOD, AND WHY? Trre potato in Mud-Salad Market is from three to four times as dear as the same potato in Leeds, Manchester, and Sheffield. This is, of course, not the fault of the Duke of Mudfosd and his tenants, but arises from the fact that the Lancashire and Yorkshire towns above-named are such essentially agricultural centres. «r To ConuvnrojKTS — The Editor dnu not hold hi-niilf bound (o acinmcltdne, rtt'irn, or favfor Cmtri/ntimu. In n» cnu tan thtu t>4 rtturnrl irUu t«oi.r*'.iti »» a itamptd arut direcltd mtrelopi. Copitt tho-. Id ht kept. September 3, 1881.] 97 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. DEPENDS." Customer. "I don't know how it is, but my Clothes never fit me NICELY. NOW YOU ALWAYS MAKE MY FRIEND CAPTAIN StOLLERT's COATS TO SIT BEAUTIFULLY!" Tailor. "Yes, Sir, but he 's got Shoulders to hang 'em on! If a Gentleman 's made like a Champagne-Bottle, no Tailor can fit niM!" [Exit Customer in dudgeon. \ SUMMER NUMBERS. (A Song of Memories by an Elderly Singer.) Suecease of toil, still solitude, soft sun, Far from the motley mob's gregarious run, The fogey seeks, whose care is Number One. A solitude a deux, spooned softly through, Leaf-screened beneath the unbetraying blue, Is the elysium of the amorous Two, A dancing boat and moonlight on the sea, Taste-measured mirth, wave-mellowed melody, And company may e'en be found in Three. Clear Thames soft echoing to the pulsing oar, The eddy's ripple and the weir's loud roar, Gladden the ears of a hard-pulling Four. Nor shall the sunniest, sweetest girl alive, Prattling, as through the wave the blue blades drive, Stern-seated, spoil the crew by making Five. A woodland pic-nic! Could a Cocker fix (Unless as dull as the dim shores of Styx) Ton gleeful gathering at less than Six f Or brand the odd less blissful than the even, (Seeing her watchet eyes are so like heaven), If one arch sylph should swell the band to Seven t Nay, "stretch an octave." Who, with heart elate, Beating the nut-hung woods, would joy abate Because the scattered echoes numbered Fight f Nay, skirting the green vineyards of the Rhine, Four girls, four lovers, and a sleek divine, Who 'd murmur at the Muses' number, Nine? Charmed numbers? Let dull seers stale fables tell, Are not all numbers magic in their spell, With Youth, Love, Joy, and Jest assorted well? Yet Two, for choice! Some prejudice yet cumbers His soul in whose grey head Romance soarce slumbers, The baldish Bard who lisps in (Summer) Numbers. A LrBEBAi, Appointment.—Mr. Herbekt Gladstone the other day took his seat as an extra Lord of the Trea- sury, appointed without salary. No charge for extras. FROM A COURT JOURNAL. (Notpublished every Saturday.) 1st.—Back from Balmoral. What a relief! So pleasant to be near something civilised again. Dear L called early, and wanted me so much to make a pleasant day of it. It would have been so nice. Private view of some lovely frescoes to begin with. Then a quiet little luncheon together, and, after that, to Lady 's, de- lightful place, to have some lawn-tennis, perhaps a little boating, and then finish with a drive back to town in the cool of the evening. Of course, / couldn't be spared. So, rest of diurnal programme as usual. WaLked with Mamma. Had luncheon with Mamma. Drove with Mamma. Dined with Mamma. On the whole, rather a mono- tonous day. 2nd to 9th inclusive.—Nothing particular. Walked daily with Mamma. Had luncheon daily with Mamma. Drove daily with Mamma. Dined daily with Mamma. So, the fifteen pressing invi- tations for various things this week, had, of course, to be declined. Never mind: I got on with my etchings; but the next book / illus- trate shall be called The New Cinderella. Dear me! if I could only get somebody to write it, couldn't I make a capital picture of the young maid s delight at finding her wretched State-coach changed suddenly into a lovely pumpkin! 10th.—A very eventful day. Some Indian potentate, with a pecu- liar turban, was made, by Mamma, an honorary Member of Knights of the Third Class of the Order of St. Michael and St. George. I attended. As usual, it was all over in three minutes. I wonder whether he could have taken a walk with Mamma, stayed to luncheon with Mamma, had a drive with Mamma, and have dined with Mamma, if Mamma had thought of ordering him! But there was no opportunity. The gentleman, too, who brought him, seemed so very anxious to get him baok to Claridge's Hotel as quickly as possible. Perhaps he feared the honour might be too much for the Asiatic mind. N'importe! Ah! happy Indian potentate, breathing the free air of Claridge's Hotel! 11th to 13th.—More walking with Mamma, taking luncheon with Mamma, driving with Mamma, and dining with Mamma. Some Germans to dinner once or twice. J shall learn Chinese. And that reminds me. I wonder whether Aladdin's Princess, with her tiny little feet, managed, after all, to get better about Pekin than I can about London. 19th Osborne.—Dear A , came with the children and pressed for me to be allowed to join them on the yacht, and see the regatta, and have a real sail, and spend a quite too lovely day! No use; so she went back, and I took a walk as usual with Mamma, had luncheon as usual with Mamma, and dined as usual with Mamma. Everything very much as usual. Stay, though; I am forgetting. I must add a two hours' steam up and down on the Alberta, a mile and a half away from everything, which the Court Journal will no doubt describe as " witnessing the regatta" with Mamma! 20th to 21th.—The usual Osborne routine. Of course, I am per- fectly happy doing nothing else but walking, taking luncheon, driving and dining continually with Mamma; though I should like to be able to get away a little now and then. In one of our drives round the island, we passed several groups of happy girls enjoying themselves, in the society of their relatives and friends, in various healthful and innocent ways (with the permission of their Mammas). Yes, I must take in hand The New Cinderella! 2Uh to 29th.—OS again to Balmoral, without waiting for the State ball on the 30th. Journey full of novelty. ZOth.—Once more in tho bonnie Highlands! Attend the Servants' Ball, and wonder why, while they may enjoy a dance, I mayn't. Wonder how the State Ball is going on. Go to rest wondering, and finally dream that I am walking, taking luncheon, driving, dia i g and making immense progress in Chinese, simultaneously, with Mamma till further notice! VOL. lxxsi. 00 H £ u as M ««lt — The Bdilor dots not hold hirnulf bound to ucknovUdgc return, or pavfor Comri'jutxtmt. he no com can thorn >H myunud u-. i.u aeevmparurf ty a etamjud and directed envrlojH. Cojnee t^i*-. Irl be kept. September 10, 1881.] 109 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. WALTON'S COMPLETE iBUNGLER." "CONFOUND IT !—AND THE FlSH BISINQ 80 NICELY!" PARALUNE. A POE-TIC FEAGSTENT. [A new moonshade, called a Paralune, has been introduced to preserve Ladies' complexions from the alleged injurious effects of moonlight.] Then I looked round for Sukey, and missed her; But back she came bounding right soon; And I said, "What's the matter, sweet Sister?" She pointed at once to the moon, To the silvery sheeny full moon. "Hang it, Sukey," I cried, "you're a twister! What's that t To explain were a boon." She replied, "Paralune! Paralune! 'lis the moonshade, the new Paralune." Then she said, "She 's a danger, is Dian, A satellite Ladies mistrust, To the skin she is terribly tryin', And makes one's complexion like dust. Red, freckled, or dingy as dust— Nay, tanned like the tawny-maned Lion." What nonsense !" cried I, in disgust. Sukey sobbed, "You 're unjust, you 're unjust! And carry a moonshade I must! ■* Then I melted, and tried to look pleasant, And tempted her out 'neath the moon, Explained the full disc and the crescent, Each scoriae rock and lagoon; And her moonshade she dropped very soon; But next morning her nose was rubescent, Her temper was much out of tune; And she wailed, " Paralune! Paralune! 'Tis the fault of my lost Paralune!" Telegram from ike Lazy Minstrel, on the same subject as our other Poet has chosen .— Oh, how pleasant 'tis to spoon, Shaded by a Paralune! Hang September! Wish 'twere June, That would rhyme to Paralune. Also wish I knew a tune For a song on Paralune.* * He is evidently becoming a Paralunatic.—Ed. SCIENTIFIC SOUCHET. {A few more Notts from Our Deluged Ark-ecologist.) TintsDAr.—Result of getting drenched on journey down, and hunting for hotel in thunderstorm on arrival yesterday, is that I can't move a joint this morning. Rain still pouring everywhere in cataracts. Ask Waiter whether it's always like this at Malvern P Says it is " mostly," and that two inches and a half at a time " ain't nothing round the 'ills"! Tell him I had always heard Malvern was the driest place in England. Stares. Says with mournful surprise that he had "never'eared that before;" but that "the Doctor" will be with me presently. Why the Doctor f Find I 've got into an "Establishment" by mistake. Never mind. Glad of it. Doctor can give me a pick-me-up, and I shall be all ready for a regular go in at the antiquities to-morrow. Doctor clean and melancholy. Looks at me, and shaking my hand, says, I 'm a "curable case," and that " the paok" will do wonders for me. Adds, almost with a smile, "in six months you won't know yourself. Explain I want to he quite all right to-morrow morning. Give him his fee. Pockets it sadly, and says if I can't stay in a "paok " for six months, I had better take a glass of stiff brandy-and-water. Order up a bottle. Capital brandy. Still pelting. Let it. Think the brandy is really doing me good. Excellent light reading, Danvers's Prehistoric Substructures. Funny set of beggars those ancient Britons. To sleep, fancy I 'm walking about in a suit of tcoad, talking to the Doctor in two feet and a half of rain-water. Wednesday.—Still pelting. Cold symptoms better, but tendency to headache. Brandy clearly indicated. Try it. Feel better at once. Look at programme. Nothing in it. Half-a-dozen Abbeys, Maner- House of Fourteenth Century. Somebody or Something's "remains" on the top of somewhere, and place where Margaret of Anjou took Bhelter.'r Evidently she had enough of the "Hills," but couldn't get an umbrella. Excellent hint. Buy one for myself at York, Decline to join several invalid antiquarians in a pleasure-van, to look at " remains," with a hot bottle or two and plenty of blankets before I start. Fly to station. Porters wet through, and still in low spirits. Try to cheer them up by alluding to "the Hills the flesh is heir to. They don't smile. Facetiously ask Book-stall man whether he isn't afraid of leaving shilling razors about. Sighs heavily, and says, "He wishes he wos." Off, getting up particulars of Roman York in a sixpenny history, with my feet ireezmg. Thursday.—Drenched last night again. Never mind,—brandy will soon set that all right. Busy still getting up materials. Queer sortof name, Eboracum. Wonder how itgot into York, from" Ewer- wyk." Perhaps after dinner (N.B.—Suggest that to Association.) Much interested in "indulgence cup" of Archbishop Scrope, "bearing a promise of forty days' indulgence to those who drunk from it. Wonder whether there was a regular dead set at it by pious but convivial Danes. Want awfully to see the "Plotting Parlour," and Ghost of a Monkey visible between ten and four daily (at least, I think so) in Clifford's Tower. But feel chilly. Better stick steadily to brandy-and-water. Have it a little stiffer. Do, and feel I 'd better cure the thing at once. Excellent brandy. Wish I 'd got a French novel. Bother Clifford's Tower and Archbishop Scrope. Don't believe in 'em. Who does P Who comes to York to see Arohbishop Scrope—I'd liket' know? Never mind, here's his health. Then Charles the First? Go-long with vou. Call him an antiquity? Not bit of it. Real antiquity of York is Dick Tubpin—Brown Bess and Shylock—no, I mean Isaac of York and Re-becca-my-Neighboui—see Scott's lot. York 'am. Ther'y'are! York cheese—ther'y're again. Look't Shakspeake! "'Las poor Yor'ck!" That's goo'. Tell that Sir John Lubbock t'morrow. No, I won't. Tell 'im—t'night. Wonder whether— there's billiard table in th'ouse. Th'ris! that's-all-righ'. Play Sir John TrraprN—that's t'shav—Sir John Lubbock, best out three— bottle stiff-brandy-water. Why not throw in 'dulgence cup P Will. British 'Schoschation great'st humbug in world. Write Times— suggest Brandy-water 'Soschashun. That's th' idea. Here's Dick Lub'cks joll' good health. Thatsh goo'. All-ri' goo'-nigh'! Saturday.—Up to town again, after a very interesting week, and finished my article, "Our Ancient Landmarks and their Influences on Modern Culture," in time for press. TOL. LXXXI. no [September 10, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SCIENTIFIC ACCURACY. "Better let me 'old yer Cigarette, Sir. Hevkry Houses tells!" 'ARRY ON FASHION. Deah Chahlie, 'Ow are you, old 'ermit? Ain't dropped you a scrawl for a age. I pity you, boxed in the Midlands, jest like a old owl in a cage. I send you the pattrens I promised, from Kino's, the very last chiee; The one with a pin through, 's your mark to a touch, if you '11 take my advice. I've got a new suit on it, Charlie, I 'm nuts upon yaller and green. The dad calls me mustard-and-creese, but a nattier thing I ain't seen; It stood me two-ten, which is stiff, but yer see—oh, well there, I ain't vain; But the way as it fetches all eyes on me, only one thing can explain. It's the pink of the Fashion, my pippin. Ah! Fashion's a rum 'un, old man; She bothers the best on 'em, Charlie—can't snaffle her, try 'ow they can. 'Tain't no use a 'owling or spouting. The D. T. is now on that lay, And reels off the awfullest kibosh, two columns or more every day. 'Arf ikey of course, put-up bizness, a tap as they mostly turn on When the M.P.'s 'ave run out their slack, and the toffs to the briny are gone. But what gives me fits is their notion of arguing gurls into sense By talking of patriotism, or yarning of taste and expense! Lor' bless yer, they don't know the ropes, these old mivvies don't, more than a mug. You fie-fie a cat about cream, and then give 'er a chance at the jug. And jest see where your hgic '11 land yer. It's ditto with dress. Do vou think You will moralise gurls iato brown when their fancy has potted on pink? Brown nicer, becominger, cheaper? Ah! that's where you 're right off the rails. It's Fashion they want, and not fitness: what odds if it's feathers or scales? A angel as ain't a lah mowed is a dowdy a shopgurl 'ud pish, While if mermaids led off, gurls would follow, and trot out arf bare and arf fish. I tell you we've got to be in it, all there like, or go to the wall. .Test fancy me out of the fashion, now picter it, Charlie, that's all. Not up to the nines, not 0. K., with a last Season's tile on my chump! Why where would my form be, old man 'i I should drop to a cad at a jump. 0 Scissors! it makes a chap shirty, it do s'welp mo never, dear boy, To think peopl ain't got more savvy than what these inkspillers enjoy. If stripes is the fashion for bags why I goes in for stripes, it s good biz: But if nobs 'as a run upon spots, there you are don't yer know,—spots it is. That's "form" in a nutshell, my boy. It's the same with the women all round, From Countesses down to machine-gurls; at least that '8 what I've always found. They mean being in it, you bet, 'ook or crook, and you won't break the rule By putting up prigs or a Peeress to chat about morals or wool. Don't blame 'em. I know what it is. You must wear what is worn or stand out, And trade, taste, and text-books are trifles gurls don't care a broomstick about. A.s to 'ow fashions start, that's a corker, a mist'ry as licks us all 'oiler, Come'permiskus, I fancy, like'measles, but when they 're once off we must foiler. Patriotic? Well, them as talks Muggins like that to our gurls must be milks, If it means British woollens all round when they're sugar on showy French silks. 'Tain't " York" by a lump, such soft chat, nor it won't choke the females off Parry, "The last sweet thing out, and blow Bradford"'s the motter of women, and 'Ajlrt 'ARRY IN 'OLBORN. A Writer in the Daily Telegraph informs us that among the houses marked out for demolition on the site of the future First Avenue Hotel is the one in whioh lived and wrote the composer, Fkasz Joseph Haydn. What would "Haydn's Surprise" be a little later on oould he revisit the glimpses of the moon and see the completion of the Hotel, which is to be worked on the American principle of (as the above- mentioned authority informs us) "four dollars a day for bed and board"; and whether the bedder and boarder be first or sixth floor it matters not, there being always—(What! all night?)—a friendly porter at hand to give him a Lift. When our 'Ashy heard the new title, he was immensely delighted. Somebody told him it was to be the First Avenue Hotel, whereupon he ex- claimed, "A 1 name! Of course you must First 'av a new 'Otel before you give up an old one." What old one 'Arry at present honours with his patronage he didn't mention; and when we became sentimental about Haydn, he replied simply, that he "'aydn't 'eard of him." There 's no getting on with 'Arky—nor without him just now. THE BAT IN BATAVIA. Wickets have been pitched for the first time in Holland. An English Eleven played Twenty-two Dutch- men at the Hague, and won by an innings and sixty runs. The Twenty-two in the first innings scored fourteen among them, sixteen of them making ducks," not unnatural, perhaps, for the country of " Canards," In matters of cricket the fault of the Dutch Is hitting too little and missing too much— at present. But in the field, we are told, they are better, being regular "Flying Dutchmen" after a fast ball, though occasionally making a "Dutch-drop" in the shape of a muffed catch. Bully for you, Mynheer Van Dunck; you ought in time to make a good "all round" cricketer, and "wield the willow" as well as vou can grow it. May we live to see what my Lord Beaconsfield might have called a "Batavian Grace," making his three-figure innings at Lord's. And when we say a Bat-tman Grace, we mean But do matter. (•September 10, 1881.] ill PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. KING STORK; OR. THE LOCAL GOVERNMENT BOARD. (Dedicated to the. President, J. O. Dodson,—not of "Dodson and Fogg") SLIPS. Thls doesn't read badly for a Temperance gathering:— "The meeting terminated with a considerable amount of spirit." Did the Teetotallers wind up the proceedings by getting screwed? "The Chairman remarked that if they should be in want of funds, they might safely go to the public." Which "public "? Why "safely " P Would the publicans at once permit them to run up a tick simply on the score of their tem- perance P We pause for a reply from Sir Wilfrid, Mr. Richard, and. the Principality generally. A JEM" IN A NEW SETTINO. By a Loicther Arcadian Poet. North Lincolnshire, there's a Conservative note there, Majority saying, "There's nothing like Lowther." "Order! Order!" The Speaker is the very last man who requires a G.C.B. decoration to remind him of the Order which he will always have to keep. The "Bath " too! it does suggest getting into hot water, a sitz-bath of course, or at all events putting his foot in it. Ab-sitz Omen! Here's to you, Sir Henry Boitverie Street Brand—(we confer that intermediary title on him, as we can't write Bouverie without putting Street after it—mere force of habit) and may you live long and prosper. Prosit! Vee Victuallers! The Closing Act of the Session was—the Welsh* Sunday Closing Act. The Vivacious Victuallers of Cardiff have objected strenuously, and have passed a resolution censuring the Government for this rash Act. Quite right, Victuallers, don t you be guided by "Poor Richard's" maxims. Provide for a rainy day and a dry Traveller. May the Welsh Wittlers be Wictorious! 112 [September 10, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ON BOARD THE "AMARINTHA." {Extracts from a short Holiday Log.) Ojt shore at Stranraer. Feeling like invaders or missionaries in disguise (very much in disguise!, with, however, the consciousness that we have a boat within hail to take us away should the inhabitants object to our presence. We agree that Stran- raer reminds us all of Ireland—that is, as we express it vaguely, it has a de- cidedly Irish character. On reflection, I fanoy this is because we associate shoelessness and hatlessness—especially in children—with Ireland, at least in pictures, and in a stage crowd. (Inserted afterwards in my log.)— "My Uerth is noble!" ■& propos of the above observation, I notice subsequently the peculiar tendency of our party, generally led by the Dean who is a very much travelled man, to pick out all along the coast strikingly picturesque or pecu- liarly beautiful spots, as vividly reoalling some totally different place either in Italy, or Switzerland, or Norway, or Germany, and so forth; so that at last there is absolutely nothing of Scotland itself left worth mentioning. They 've seen it all before somewhere else. "It's very like Switzerland," says the Dean, " only," he hastens to explain, with the air of a man accustomed to the highest society in the way of mountains, "of course these Scotch ' Bens' are merely mountains in miniature." Happy Thought.—'' Little Bens." After all, the Biggest Ben isn't in Scotland.—it's at Westminster. Whenever the Dean eatohes sight of a pointed roof, a promontory, or a ruin with a background of fir-wood, ne at once exclaims, "Ah! Isn't that like the Jungerwaus (or whatever the name may be that oocurs to him 'at the moment) as one sees it from the O&etwazen Pass, eh P" The inquiry is usually directed to Hailsheb, who has once accompanied the Dean on a walking-tour—the latter having been, as far as I can make out, generally several, miles ahead, and taking giant strides. The Dean says he can't get on without a walk. With a walk he can get on—at about six miles an hour. Happy Thought.—Dean. Swift. Eailsheb observes, with his usual suavity, that " A walk is the only time when he can't get on with the Dean;" whereat Bolby, who, as he is taking a good holiday at some one else's expense, is determined to enjoy thoroughly everything said at his own, shakes with laughter, as he recalls with true British satisfaction some wonderful feats he has accomplished at home and abroad. Hailsheb sometimes differs from the Dean about the similarity existing between certain places, and points out that what reminds the Dean of Switzerland, reminds him of Italy, while the Composer invariably sticks to Germany and various views_ in the neighbour- hood of Leipsic, with which nobody else is acquainted. What strikes CraiiNS above everything else is not the picturesque effect of changing light and shade on coast and sea, but that he himself should be there at all, "among," as he says with an air of intense perplexity, "the very names one used as a boy to see on the map at sohool!" He can't get over this. "What s that plaoe?" he aska. That's Arran, or Bute, or Colonsay, as the case maybe, is the answer. Whereat his astonish- ment is unbounded. "Why," he exclaims in a tone of annoyance, "why that's in the map. I remember it well." He almost seems inclined to quarrel with his host for not taking him to some place which he has not been familiarised with on the map in his early childhood. How painfully Geography must have been impressed upon him! Or, has he thought up to now, when his education is being completed by a yachting trip, that maps were merely the product of a romantic and fertile genius who invented the plaoes and names, and that, in fact, Geography was a myth alto- gether, merely intended "for the use of schools," but having no practical value in after-life P After this discovery, which he makes on our second sailing day, he is thoughtful and subdued for hours. It is as if another boyish illusion of his were dispelled for ever. Happy Thought.—I propose to the Composer a retrospective geographical song, inspired by the first sight of Arran, Bute? &c., to be entitled, "Them Mappy Days." This playful suggestion is met crustily with "Oh, bosh 1" Collins the Composer, when he has a musical idea which he is working out in his brain, is not a man to be trifled with: only it is difficult to tell, from any outward sign, the exact time when he it working out an idea. When he is peculiarly orusty, and retorts, "Oh, bosh!" it is pretty safe to assert that he is in a state of active composition. When he gradually, but vacantly, smiles, as if he were seeing angels somewhere .... (Pretty idea this. Would suggest it to him, only he's not smiling at the moment, when I 'm making this note in my pocket-book) .... he is beginning to unbend, evidently dis- missing the idea, politely with a bow as it were, asking it to call again when he can bestow more attention on it,—then, he may be spoken to cautiously, yet with safety. From Stranraer we make an excursion to a pretty place, whose name I can't distinctly catoh, but which is so much talked about that I feel inclined to christen it—— Happy Thought.—Loch Jaw. Back to yacht. As, with the exception of the host, none of us have got exactly our own sea-legs on, but each one of us has, so to put it, got somebody else's, which even in this gently undulating movement he is not able to control, we seem naturally to take to sofas and siestas before dinner. We have sent telegrams (we have experienced a perfect mania for sending telegrams when on shore), we have prooured a Scotsman—invaluable journal to the English tourist—and we have been unable to purchase either tomatoes or vegetable marrows at Stranraer. We never take such things in this town," replies the Green- grocer, gravely; and we retire from the shop as if we 'd inquired for something which can only be mentioned with anything like propriety in an Act of Parliament for the Preservation of Public Morals. What that Scotch Greengrocer's idea of tomatoes and vegetable mar- rows was, we failed to make out; but they were evidently somehow or other things which we ought to have been ashamed of ourselves for venturing to ask for in Stranraer. I never was so crestfallen in any shop, not to mention a Greengrocer's! Imagine going in, as a perfect Btranger, to a Greengrocer's, and asking mildly, "Have you got any tomatoes r" and then seeing everyone turn away—the girls running precipitately into the back parlour, the wife fainting, the lady-purchasers blushing, and the gentlemen customers frowning, and, on repeating the question timidly, the Greengrocer himself, a stern and severe'man, probably an Elder of the Kirk, administers to us the grave and dignified rebuke, "We never take such things in this town!" We begged his pardon, and sneaked out. We didn't say, "We '11 inquire somewhere else "■—we only looked at one another —Hailsher and. myself, Hailsheb blushing painfully, being a man who wouldn't hurt the feelings of a Thug if he could possibly avoid it, and stammering something to the effect that" he didn'tknow—and only thought''—and so we stumble one over another, abashed and ashamed, into the street. The sooner we are on board the boat the better. N.B. For North Britain generally.—Never ask for tomatoes and vegetable marrows unless you see them in the window. I believe we only narrowly—or marrowly—esoaped the violenoe of & justly, though to us unreasonably, incensed population. Now I think of it quietly, what oould we have said to offend them? Tomato, the Dean suggests, is associated with "Sauce;" but this is treating the matter too lightly. So we return to the yacht. Won't go on snore again. Make a note to this effect, seconded—harmoniously seconded for once —by the Composer. "We must ask Hailsheb to get on and sail- not to stay in the bay." Happy Thought.—Great opportunity I point out to Cr/iLiHS for a song—" Here we stay, in the Bay"—but he aays it's been done. I compliment him by saying, "But not as yoH d do it." He replies to this "Oh, bosh!" Note.—Clearly mustn't be fulsome with a Composer; and then he is going to share my cabin for the next ten days. However, we agree to ask Hailsher :—" Please to sail With the gale From the Bay Where we stay," &c.; or, "else," Bays the Composer, grum- blingly, as we toilette together in our cabin, previous to dinner, " I shall go baok." Happy Thought (commercial idea).—" Sail or Return." Composer appreciates this, as he once published a song on those terms. He says he never heard of its sale, and he never got any return. Is he a disappointed man? And does the sea air bring, as it were, the grumblings out of him? Steward opens door, and says, "Dinner!" Henceforth I stick to the yacht. "Never go back to Shore," song for Composer. Also, historic song, "My Pretty Jane Shore .'" What a lot of ideas I give him! He pretends he won't have 'em; but I think he goes into corners, and notes 'em down when I 'm not looking. A "SWEET BOON." There is no greater convenience for people who do not possess carriages of their own, than the Railway Omnibu9, which takes your luggage, family and servants, at a fixed charge to the train, or waits for you on its arrival and conveys you home. It obviates the necessity of having two or three cabs, with the inevitable disputes as to fares. The driver is civil and obliging, and will come at any hour, no matter how early in the morning, and indeed the whole affair is as poor Abtemus Ward called the Tower of London, "a sweet boon." No wonder then that omnibus drivers and cabmen have protested against it. But it is to be hoped that no one will listen to their outcries. A Note from Auberon.—Clever letter of Aobkbon Rkrbk&ts in the' Times.' What does he want? And which party is going to make a new "Overture to Auberon f" September 10, 1881.] 113 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE WEATHER AND THE CROPS. (By a "Forestaller and Regrater") Saturday.—Wretched night, listening in vain for the longed-for rain that wouldn't come, ltain comes down. Prices will go up. My " Spec" in wheat will pay enormously. Sunday.—A nice heavy shower wetted us all thoroughly while going to church, and quite raised my spirits. Clergyman read occasional prayer for fine weather! Thought I should nave fainted. Hadn't the audaeity to say Amen, "why could I not say Amen?" Amen stuck in my throat! Monday.—Fine but cloudy; another chance of good soaking rain. Wish I hadn't speculated. Tuesday.—Nice wet morning, took a long country walk, all in the rain, to examine the crops of wheat again. All jolly wet, and some evidently " sprouting," I think they call it. What was Barnaby Budge'» Raven always crying out ?" I 'm a Devil 1 I 'in a Devil! I begin to hate my Spec," and compose the following:— THE FORESTALLER'S WALK. (After Southcy—and after a bad night.) From his restless bed at break of day The Forestaller walking has gone. To visit the half-ruined farms for his mirth, And see how the crops get on. And over the hills and through the wet fields He walked, and over the plain, And outward or homeward he heard the long tale Of the ruin caused by the rain. And how was the Forestaller drest? Oh, not in his Sunday best; His coat it was black and his trowsers were blue, But they looked rather shabby from being wet through. He Baw a Widow with Orphans three Go up to a Baker's door, But she had to leave the loaf untouched, For he wanted a penny more. And he grinned to think how that penny more, Would fill his coffers with gold, For every grain of his mighty store, Should still remain unsold. Just then the Sun's bright burning face, He saw with consternation, And home pell-mell his way did take; For the Forestaller thought 'twas a great mistake, And it filled him with indignation! Wednesday.—Wake up in a cold perspiration, the effect of a most awful dream! I dreamt that a whole host of Farmers' Widows and Orphan Children surrounded the house, and begged in meroy just for a few hundreds of the million of half-quartern loaves that I had stored up in every possible and impossible place, with a steady deter- mination not to sell one under a shilling! It was all in vain that I denied the statement, and in their rage at my refusal they were just about firing the house when I awoke. Wrote to Brown, Jonks & Co., to say I 'd sell at a profit of £900. Friday.—Received reply, "Letter received, and contents noted." Met Gusher Greek, who told me that there was an awful panic in Mark Lane that morning among the Corn Speculators. "Ami serve 'em jolly right too," he added. "A set of scamps speculating on the misfortunes of their poor neighbours! Pretty nice sort of Christians they must be! I fancy I see such a scoundrel walking in the poor Farmer's wet fields, and gloating over the soddenea corn! I wish they would revive the old laws against Regraters and Forestallers, and then they would either have their ears cuts off or be stood in the Pillory. In the latter case I 'd help 'em to an egg or two!" Said good-bye to Green, coldly. Saturday.—Wrote to Jones' firm for information and advice, the awfully fine weather and Green's report fairly frightening me. Sunday.—Terribly sunny day again. Received answer, that "things were very bad in consequence of the sudden change of weather." After a truly wretched day of doubt and hesitation, wrote to the Firm to sell at once at any price, "and then to supper with what appetite I may!" .., Monday.—Received telegram, sold in accordance with instructions, particulars to-night. This coming during my absence, my wife unfortunately opened it! I draw a veil over the explanation and subsequent scene. Tuesday.—Received Brown, Jones [& Co. s little account as follows :— Loss on transaction in Wheat . . . £750 0 0 Commission at li per cent 168 0 0 Telegrams, &o 10 0 918 10 0 By Deposit . i 500 0 0 To Balance . . . . . . . £418 10 0 Cheque for which will oblige. I did as requested, and so ended my first and certainly my last transaction of this kind, which will cost me just about a thousand pounds! and If the matter gets wind, as it probably will, I shall for the rest of my existence be dubbed by my friends, and especially by Gusher Green, as a heartless and cruel Fof estaller and Regrater. LAYS OF A LAZY MINSTREL. "Send forthwith a poem on Ti _ rhyme."—Imperious Telegram froni AFTER! BREAKFAST. 8 of the Day, containing reason and r. Punch. Oh, who wtrald wear a tall hat? Or buttoned in frock coat, Would countless places call at, When he might moon in boat? Exploring river reaches, And doing nought at all, Orplucking juicy peaches That ripen on the wall! I put just what I please on, I take no heed of time: It '* itiuch too hot for reason, And far too warm for rhyme! My thoughts all run together, Regretfully I find; They're melted by the weather, To shapeless mass of mind! t It's much too hot for thinking, Too sultry 'tis to chaff; For eating or for drinking, Too torrid e'en to laugh! I know this sounds like treason— I do not oare one dime— It '* much too hot for reason, And far too warm for rhyme.' The ruddy ripe tomata,* In china bowl of ice; And grouse worth a sonata, Undoubtedly are nice! A pint of sound Bocheimer, A dainty speckled trout; Suffices for the Rhymer, To break his fast no doubt! I WAtch the busy bees on The leaf beneath the lime: It's much loo hot for reason, And far too wdrmfor rhyme! 'Tis hot as in the tropios— I can't tell what to say— I little know of "topics. And less know of " the day I" No matutinal journal Has reached me—Do I fret? 'Neath leafy shade supernal, I smoke a cigarette! I eare not for the Season, Trade, Politics, or Crime: It's much too hot for reason, And far too warm for rhyme! * "Tomata "—thought it was Tomato. What U the Lazy One arter? But the Poet may be right, and he may mean a feminine gender'd Tomato. As it's the choice between "Tomato" and "Sonato," or "Tomata" and "Sonata," we prefer the latter. "So," as Uncle JRemus saya, " we '11 leave it at dat.''—Ed. t Mass of what ?—Ed. AN ALDERMAN ON HIGH ART. It went to the heart of worthy Alderman Lcsk to have to punish a man for knocking off the head of a plaster figure, value one shilling, on the Temple Bar Memorial. The temptation was placed within the British 'Aery's reach, and would have been, we gather, irresistible even to the Sweet and Light heart of Alderman Ltjsk, who recommends that all works of Art should be put " out of reach." Well, they are - out of reach of most persons with limited in- ^^ comes. But evidently the statue at the top of the Duke of York's Column, the Wellington and Nelson Statues, and the Pineapple at the top of the Monument, are the Alderman's idea of genuine High Art. IN MEMORIAM. CHARLES LAMB KENNEY. Died, August 25. Gobson of Lamb, and foster son of France, Their whim and wit less in his work than play; But, sayer of good things, his happy chance Left only good things to be said to-day. * • * He too has gone ! kind, witty Charles Lamb Kenny, my Friend—he nad none but friends, and not one enemy. "Standard Gators."—Greengages as big as Apples and as juioy as possible.—(From the Jampot Journal.) -~— ■— 114 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [September 10, 1881. AN UNREASONABLE PREJUDICE. Ancient Mariner {from France). "Pardon, M'sieu! Mais pourriez-vous nous dire quelle heure il est?" Captain I'rcltyman. "Certainement, mon Ami! Il est Onze Heures moins vinqt-cinq." Laura. "Did you hear, Tom? Captain Prettyman speaks French with quite a pure Parisian accent!" Cousin Tom {who is ratlicr jealous). "Does he? What beastly affectation"!" THEATRICAL. Close time at the St. James's Theatre; see Hare and Kendal's Act. Only you can't see them act just now—at least not in town. A new Bill will be brought in next Session—we mean next Season. "What will they do with itf" La Mascotte at the Royalty. Messrs. Keece and Farnik are adapting it; and it does want a precious lot of adaptation to make it ht for ears polite. More new theatres. The cry is still "They come!" and will be as long as the public will go. Good thing for our dramatic Authors and for the French, as, in spite of some complaints recently pub- lished, the French Authors are represented here by an agent, and do get their fees. Monsieur Moi-qui-parle (here) and Monsieur Mox (Thomas)-qui-parle (in the Daily News) know it for a fact. The two Wills's have produced a piece. This is real Wills's Mixture, and none other genuine. Sadler's Wells was chosen by them for its production, and they will, as joint Authors, advertise themselves during the run as "The Sadler s Wills." Haven't yet seen Sedgemoor, but we believe there's good sport to be got out of this Moor at all events. But, bless us I we 've not yet seen Impru- dence, nor Claude Duval—not " Clawed," but Duval was Scratched Duval for what had been announced as its first night, but was sub- sequently produced with, as we hear, great success. More on this next week. New title for the Olympic, Maison Duval. The Opera Comique is still playing Patience, which is to go to its now home, the Beaufort Theatre, when the Carte is ready to take it. May we be there to see! New scenery, new dresses, and appoint- ments, and no dis-appointments. Poor Mr. D'Oyley Carte has been so busy personally superintending his builders, that he has caught cold, and scarcely recovered his lovely tenor voice. This is an advantage to him perhaps, as he is now Carte and hoarse all in one. Geo up! But he can t reach " G " up. He 'd better go down to "D "or " B," either of which is by the C-side. A Military Correspondent writes, d propos of the Prince of Wales's Own Theayter, to say that " it will very soon be a question for the Authorities at the Horse Guards to decide as to what is to be done with a Colonel who runs." One of the new Theatres is Mr. Sefton Parry's. This, we sup- pose, will be devoted entirely to French pieces, so that we shall save ourselves the time, trouble, and expense of going to Paris by merely going to Parry's. It's getting on, comparatively, as fast as the Beaufort, Parry passu. Box and Cocks.—Get a box seat at Her Majesty's to see the Cock-fight at 10 p.m. between a Haverley Minstrel and a real trained Bantam. The latter is a wonderful little bird, more amusing than even his companions the real Nigger Minstrels, who, as the game bird "wheels about, and turns about, and does just so," ought to christen him the veritable Jim Crow! Passage from Lord Grey's Elegy. IIads toll the knell of England's passing day: The low dull herd will land her " up a tree." Why will they not send Gladstone's gang away, And leave the world to Whigdom and to Me '< Between the Lines. Books to be read between the Lines—not when a train is coming, of course, but when, after leaving the Brighton and South Coast Line, you intend going by the London, Chatham and Dover—are Mr. Somers Vise's (beautiful name! quite a raisin d'etre in itself for anyone) Iron Roads, or Panoramic Guides, well illustrated and full of interesting information, which every respectable traveller will be delighted to hear, is " quite correct," and indeed so truthful, that Mr. Vine might adopt as the motto on the title-page, " In Vino Veritas." Tite " By-Elections" will probably prove " Sell-Elections." PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—September 10, 1881. XWAWic A TIFF. Madame La Fbance. "/ DON'T WANT YOUR DIRTY COALS!" Mr. Bull. "WELL, IF IT COMES TO THAT, I CAN GET ON WITHOUT YOUR SOUR CLARET!" [Exeunt severally. September 10, 1881.] 117 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MORE FROM THE MOORS. [Sketched by Dumb-Cramto Junior.) Shooting over an Extensive Moor. Laree Burs. 4j4*- ft * A Small Corey. Cheepers. MY FIRST SESSION. [From the Diary of Toby, M.P.) Been in Parliament eight months now. Let me think it over, and see if it's worth while to leave my old Clnb in Bonverie Street and my old companions, for Westminster. Must admit, in the first plaoe, that the Club premises here are a little better. But the companionship decidedly varied. Tlvere was wit, and fancy, and courtesy,—things not lacking here, but sadly mixed. If all Sessions were to be like my first I should apply for the Chiltern Hundreds, or even more, if more would help one to leave at once. We have been spectacular rather than legislative. We have had dancing on the floor of the House, wrestling on the stair- case, and the Irish Members always. "Why will they always do it?" the Solioitor-General for Ireland said the other night with querulous voice and injured manner, as he looked across at the young men below the Gangway opposite. H aucoukt, who had just made a meal of Mr. McLaren, looked at Johnson for a moment, as if thinking whether he should not shoulder him also out of office. "Why will they do it ?" he said, tartly, " because it's their nature to. Did you ever see High Life Below Stairs? That's what Healt and Arthur O'Connor and T. P. O'Connor play at here. If yon were to get some of the messengers from outside, give them a short course at Codgers' Hall or a Parliamentary Debating Sooiety. and then turn them in here as Members of Parliament, you would nave much the same thing. They 'd catch the style of address, and talk about'the Hon. Gentleman, and 'the Noble Lord,' and would call each other 'my Hon. Friend.' But they 'd be messengers still, and would act accordingly." Harcourt always grumpy about the Irish Members, Feels personally their habit of occupying the whole time and preventing others from shining-. When he has had a chance, he has gone for them with great delight. Others may speak them fair, ana allude to Fenianism only by periphrase. Harcourt calls ft spade a spade, and delights in tracing the birth of the Land League in hotbeds of Fenian Organisation in America. Then there's a tremendous row below the Gangway opposite. Few things so remarkable as the sensitiveness of these gentlemen to attack. After abusing Fohsteh or others all through the night, bringing odious charges against their own countrymen, and otherwise disporting themselves, they howl for the interposition of the Speaker, if anyone discusses them in ft few plain words. Habooubt's manner, though hot without its recommendations, is not a Parliamentary success, The object being to get business through, it is not furthered by bringing up the whole company in the Irish quarter with angry and indignant protests against insinua- tions and personal charges. The best man lor the Parnellites is Lord Hartington, and the worst Mr. Gladstone. Hartinoton never goes out of his way to aggravate them, though on occasions, he sends out straight from the shoulder a left-hander whioh temporarily staggers impudent vulgarity. What they cannot stand, is his Lord- ship's simple and unaffected attitude of absolute indifference. He is to them what Beachy Head is to the waters of the English Channel in a gale of wind. The waters beat about it madly and tumultuously, breaking themselves to pieces against it. But Beachy Head looks straight forward, as if it really didn't know there was all this commotion going on at its feet. That's how Hartinoton sits on the Treasury Bench when T. P. O'Connor is lashing himself into impotent fury, and Mr. Healt is grinding his teeth at the Saxon. These gentlemen know moreover, that if Lord Hartinoton happens to .be left in charge of the House, he is capable of taking action In emergencies that may prove highly inconvenient. Mr. Gladstone, on wie contrary, is like the sea itself, and they the storm. The meanest and least capable of them can at pleasure move the Premier to some manifestation of passion or impatience. They know this, and make constant habit, when he is in his place, of talking at him, misquoting his speeches, or misrepresenting his motives, with the certainty that he will presently rise and correct them. Mr. Fobster is a little less satisfactory to deal with. More particularly of late, he refrains from retorting on the mad and malicious insults and insinuations heaped upon him from the safety of a seat in the House of Commons. But sitting_ with hands folded, and chin sunk upon his breast, he presents a picture of Conscious Merit Maligned, which is very funny, and shows that he is listening. One of the few men who have come out in the Session with added credit, is Mr. Law, the Irish Attorney-General. Law is such a quiet and modest man that people marvel to find he is also capable. Highly successful in his attitude towards his countrymen opposite. Not indifferent like Lord Hartington, not emotional like Mr. Gladstone, not cast down like Mr. Fobsteb, not provoking like Sir William Habcoubt, Law sits and regards his countrymen with a smile of genuine and kindly amusement. It is as if he were sitting in the stalls at St: James's Hall, watching a performance never to be seen out of London. It is not of the highest class in Art, but it is well- meant, and is done with a good deal of vigour. Law thinks to him- self with pardonable pride that none but Irishmen could do this. These are his own countrymen, and he looks upon them—even when they are, not obscurely, hinting that before he helped to frame the Land Bill he was privy to the death of an aged female relative—with something of an air of proud proprietorship. Often seen him, more particularly when Mr. Biggar is on his feet, look round at the faces near him as who should say "What do you think of this P You must go to Ireland to equal this." Really believe the Irish Members like Law, as much as is possible to them to like any of their countrymen who is more prosperous than themselves. "Don't know what I should have done without Law," Gladstone said to me one night in Committee. "Has every line of the Land Bill at his finger-ends; never loses his temper nor is short of_ an argument. Worst of him is when he's on his legs almost impossible to get him down. I remember the late Sir William Hatter (father of the eloquent Member for Bath) told me onoe that Lord John Russell had a great advantage over Lord Paimehston as leader of the House. When the Whip was ready for a division, and found Johnny Russell on his legs, he would tug at his coat-tails, and John immediately pulled up short. Palmbrston, on the contrary, would always have nis speech out; and that's the way with Law. I sent him a new coat the day the Bill was read a Third Time with my compliments, and an expression of regret that I should, in the interests of the Land Bill, have worn out one of his coat-tails by pull- ing him down. And would you believe it, Toby, he tells me he never felt me tugging! But he's a good fellow is Law." Terribly monotonous Session, hardly anything between the Bradlaugn breakdown and the Irish jig. Hard lines on old stagers and new-comers. Peter, as he told me the other day, has gone home broken-hearted. Mr. Dilwtn has made one or two appearances in his famous character of the Constitutional Member. But Mr. Monk's carefully selected voice has scarcely been heard this Session • and what merry nights these three nsed to have in Committee of Supply! Even Randolph has been comparatively shut up. On the front Opposition Bench Stafford Nobthcotehas restedinplacid silence, only occasionally galvanised into aggressiveness. Where- upon Gladstone has incontinently fallen upon him. Mr. Gibson comes to the front a good deal on the Land Bill. Personally he would be more acceptable if his station were in the rear, where he would be heard with perfect ease. As it is, he bawls his arguments at the top of his voice, as if they were cabbages, and controverts Gladstone across the table as if he was hailing a passing ship. But the House is quiet enough now. The echoes of voices low or loud have faded, and the Speaker has left the Chair till next Session. ^^ Both great Political Parties just now are anxiously watching to see which way the Fair Trade winds blow. Septemder 10, 1881.] 119 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEL OUR YACHTING EXPERIENCES. Old "Salt" at the helm. "Rattlin' fine Bueeze, Gen'lemenI" Chorus of Yachtsmen (faintly). "Y—yes—d'lightful!' screeching and bellowing and cat-calling. It smote the Black Leg with the stunning thud of a dozen steam-hammers, and sent her, broken up into fire-wood bundles, with every nail started, staggering topsy-turvy in the trough of the sea. Then all around came in grim earnest the fury of the tempest. Clouds, masts, sealskin-jackets, crew, cabin furniture, lighthouses, and driving cattle were pounded up as if by some irritable giant, and scattered, like well-prepared salad, hither and thither through the night in infinitesimal shreds. The whole heaven, too, emptied nimself suddenly upon the starboard quarter in one sheet of black drenching ink. This finished the business for the underwriters. Instantly she sprung a leak—then fifty. Her hold was a well-stocked kitchen-garden. A certain imperious personage stamped her foot. '"' I will just have the discreetion to tell ye.a 'good one,'" observed the Laird, who had been washed up the cuddy stairs, irons and all, and was now firmly fixed, upside down, in the main-brace. But at this moment a most curious thing happened. The whole seething blackness of the heavens seemed to roll itself up suddenly into a corner like a piece of cheap-priced carpet. It was a most remarkable phenomenon. Yet all the time the glass was rising to the lips of our now observant King. It was a strange sight he saw. The"whole vast plain of the Solent, stretohing away as far as Ports- mouth, lay helpless on its back, a lake of liquid rum. Here and there its surface was broken by the outline of smart yachts reeling on their belaying-pins, and in this wondrous calm, unable to get more than half-seas over. Then came a beautiful ochre mist out of the South, and the coves, that had been sleeping it off along the island shore, got up and staggered home, as Ryde, provided, in the mysterious tints of this peculiar sunset, with two piers, both light- headed, began itself to revolve and mingle with the waving land- scape beyond. Above, the scene was still more striking. In that swaying expanse were no pale magenta clouds, changing, as usual, first to sap-green and sepia, and fading, by delicate gradations, through the ton colours of a Society of Arts ninepenny box, into the purest of Reckitt'8 blues,—but a couple of rainbows, bounding head over heels and turning double back somersaults whenever they could get a chance. In the far distance the prostrate horizon lay black and Winking:. A strong glass of something hot and water stood near in on the leeward quarter, empty, when the cable tumbled overboard with a quiet chuckle, and the Black Leg swung round on to the top of a sunken bathing-machine. "Helm hard a-starboard!" said somebody. But there was no attention paid to the order, and the bottom of the hired yacht came gently out. Then we knew that our little Summer outiDg at fifteen and sixpence a ton was over. WHY? "Why is the sky blue? And why are the sunrise and sunsrt crimson and gold? "—Sir John Lubbock before the British Association at York. War t Subtle and sardonic sage, You mutt be poking fun At us of this grey-clouded age Whd seldom see the sun. Why are skies blue? As wisely ask Why winter is so green; Why in our sweltering March we bask In Sol's most sultry sheen 't Why English June's so jolly hot, Its August days so dry? Crimson and gold? 'Twere eye's delight, If 'twere not all my eye. What skyey influence rules all Who read your learned Paper? Month in month out, a dismal pall Of lumpy leaden vapour! Why are skies blue and sunsets gold? Ironic queries jar so. You surely need not to be told They never are so! Dr. Bbadi.ey, a good scholastic authority, says the best translation lie knows isliis own from Oxford to Westminster. 120 PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [September 10, 1881. A DIP INTO ASIA. A eight line is defined as a line which lies evenly between its points, and this definition applies to the railway between St. Peters- burg and Moscow. It was made by one Ruler with another. The Emperor Nicholas took a ruler and ruled a straight line, and this is the iron road from the old capital to the new one. I use the term "railway ft advisedly. Strictly speaking, Russia has no railways, and is content with tramways. The carriages com- municate with each other by means of a narrow passage, and first second, and third-class passengers can and do use this moving thoroughfare—but Russia is a despotic country. There is nothing to prevent a Btupid, drunken, or half-sleepy passenger walking out of a train in the middle of the night. Children travel freely, and most mothers are accompanied by babies in arms. You enter a train on Friday in the middle of the night, and make yourself comfortable, with the full knowledge that you will pot leave it till the following Monday or Tuesday. Every five miles—more or less-there is a tea and corn-brandy Station; every ten miles there is a steak and potato Station; and every twenty miles there is a breakfast, dinner, or supper Station. The Russians are fond of "snacks " and devoted to meals. The waits vary from five minutes to three-quarters of an hour. The slow speed is accounted for by the bad construction of the tramways, and the bad construction is attributed to official pecu- lation. Russia has many enemies, who rob her first and abuse her afterwards. Every Russian appears to travel with a bundle of bedding and two teapots. They pass their time in making tea and drinking it, getting the hot water at the Stations, and using one of the teapots as an urn or kettle. They are not burdened, like the English, with mountains of luggage, duly labelled and duly lost. Ihey have awonderful power of sleep, and a natural horror of open windows. When in the hot summer you see the high wooden rail- ings being erected along the lines to protect the train from the winter snow-drifts, you can account for this prejudice against the English- man's air-bath. Like most cities at which you arrive by railway, the first view of Moscow is disappointing. The house-tops of Bermondsey must often have chilled the foreign traveller just entering London from the Continent. The Moscow roads are like English sand-pits and stone- quarries, and the houses like wooden bungalows. It is not till you get to the outer or second wall of the Citadel, that you realise the strange wild character of the place. Though up to your neck in Asiatio filth and dirt, you are astonished to find a city that has obstinately refused to be Frenchified or Germanised. Amidst amber and cnniBon walls, sea-green roofs, gold and silver cupolas like gilded inverted balloons, jewelled Bhrines, and gaudy [images, you turn your eyes to the right or left down narrow lanes, and see a surging mass of Jews, Russians, Tartars, Poles, Cossacks, Circassians, and Finns haggling violently over the most tattered remnants of human clothing. The Jews are in the majority, and it is not uncharitable to suppose that the dealers are accompanied by hosts of those small, faithful, but troublesome parasites, who were let into the Ark by Noah in a moment of mistaken kindness. Covered alleys of dark arches—the "Bazaars" of the East—filled with merchandise of all kinds, run off the chief thoroughfares, where the merchants make their calculations by the aid of the abacus. The whole picture is a curious mixture of Petticoat Lane, Houndsditch, and an Eastern spectacle at a great theatre in London or Paris. The shops, like the shops in St. Petersburg, are covered with pictorial emblems of trade, presumably for people who are not strong in the art of reading. Pigeons, a sacred bird in Russia, cover the roads and pavements, saunter under the carriages, or stroll into the shops. Occasionally a drunken Russian workman is driven by in a drosky lying .like a bundle on the floor of the vehicle, and exciting the contempt of the Tartars and Orientals. The gilt of the Moscow gingerbread, however, is found in its Churches. Outside the chief gate of the Kremlin, in a sandy plain stands an extraordinary Temple, called St. Basil, but which, with' more justice, might be called St. Nightmare. Many stories are told about the architect of this building. He is said to have built it under the orders of Ivan the Terrible, to have made no two parts alike, and to have had his eyes put out after the work was done, so that he could never bless the Muscovite or any other world with another copy. The colours, as in all Russian decoration, are taken wholesale from the signboard of an oil and colourman. The design must have come to the architect after a surfeit of musk-melon, water-melon, cabbage-soup and beefsteak, garnished with potatoes, beans, carrots, and cauliflowers,—a favourite dish in Russia. It suggests sweetstuff, fruit, vegetables, and indigestion, and Btands a shining example of Byzantine gone mad. Very different is the view from the grand terrace of the Kremlin. Imagine yourself standing on the towers of Windsor Castle, with a light and brilliant city beneath your feet, backed by wooded hills that would not disgrace England. Thousands of cupolas, domes, and spires are spread before you in a circle, some shining with gold, others with silver some blue, some green, some red, some pink, and some studded with stars. x' Bright crescents surmounted by bright crosses spring from the domes, and between them and around them lies the forest of slopine ICrJFw1 ^V^t i?ver.the oitr of Moscow. You forget all about Houndsditch, Petticoat Lane merchandise, vermin, sand-nit roads, stone-quarries and hucksters, and dream that the Russians have not onlv seized Constantinople, but have brought it bodily into the centre of their gigantic country. OUR WHETHER WE LIKE IT OR NOT CHART. See what we 're in for :— To which Mr. Punch appends his General Forecast of the best way to face a British Summer, carefully compiled from notes taken tinder an umbrella during the last fortnight :— Meteoeological and Therapeutic Office, 85, Fleet Stbeet. j Hot baths, flannels, fomentations, treat- 0. Scotland, N < ment for ague and intermittent fever ( generally. 1. Scotland, E Same as No. 0. 2 England N E J Veet in mustard-and-water and head in "( compress, backing to blisters later. I Short stroll in lined ulster and bearskin 3. England, L < overalls. Some local glasses of hot ( brandy-and-water. ( Chest protectors, cork soles, tarpaulin, 4. Midland Counties < life-buoy, and hot bottles. Swimming ( apparatus generally. 5. England, S. (London ) c _ w i a£d Channel) $ Same as No. 4. i Kilt and Solicitor with directions for 6. Scotland, W < making will, backing to mental de- ( rangement later. England, N.W. (and I Fourposter and Turkish-bath, with a North Wales) I good deal of gruel towards evening. i. England, S.W. (and ( W.mt£r c?othinS> umbrellas, and refuge South Wales) ) Engine-room. Some bad language '( increasing m force subsequently. I. Ireland, N Same as No. 6. ». Ireland, S Pick of any of above generally. Warnings.—No use issuing any. Depressions approaching across Atlantic signalled off for want of room, and sent back. / o,-„_„j\ rr» (bignea) Tobv. 7. "Isn't she painted!" said Smith." said Jones; "worth about a million." returned Smith, who knew all about her. She's an heiress, though," "Ver-Milion you mean," And Jones retired. «T To C'onnisrnxDE.f IS. — T>,e Editor does not holrl M me'/bound ii aetnnulednt, return, or pan/or C .ruri'ivlumt. In no case can these be returned unlets accompanied 4y a stamped amt dmctai cuvtlope. Copies ikoi Id tie Ij;i< September 17, 1881.] 121 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ^feP. ON BOARD THE "AMARINTHA." Still in harbour. Why? Because "the Captain says," &c, &c. As yet I have not seen the Captain. He is to me, up to this time, a sort of Madame Benoitojt, as whenever I say insinuatingly to HaiIsher. that I should like to have a talk to the Captain, Hailsheb replies that he hasn't seen him to-day, and the Steward, who is the intermediary between Hailsher_ and everybody in the foo'sle (this, I believe, is the correct way of spelling and pronouncing Fore- castle—where the Captain resides when at home, and where he iB not to be disturbed by anybody— Happy Thought—Nautical Proverb: an English Skipper's house is his Forecastle. N.B. Get up a new edition of Nautical Proverbs, and publish them at every Marine Library in the kingdom)—and the Steward, after going through the very evident farce of disappearing for a few seconds, and hiding himself behind a door, returns with, the answer that the Captain has just gone on shore. I can't make out when he coines back. I never see him come back; so I presume he must choose an1 opportune moment, either when we are at dinner or at one of our meals—which are not few and far between—and, as it were, duietly "board" lis, take his rations— [Nautical phrase "rations" — "a sailor is a ration-al being." This will go to my Collection of Rough Material for Nautical Proverbs, to be subsequently worked up under the motto, "Let who will make the songs, but let me do their Nautical Pro- verbs." But the Composer can itiake the songs—will suggest it to him when he 's in a good temper.] —and then quietly slip off again in the " Dingy,"—[Name of little boat—why "Dingy?" Origin of nautical terms and phrases would make an Appendix, or as Milbttbd would say, all Up-on-decks to my Handy Volume of Nautical Proverbs; only Milburd would spoil the whole thing by calling them "Naughty-gal Proverbs"—I know him—anything senseless as long as it's a jeu de niof] — while we are siesta-ing, and then back again and into his berth-or bunk—[Why "Bunk?" Is it Dutch? "Mynheer van Bunk"—no, that was "Dunk"]—when we are carousing in the saloon, or when we've retired for the night. So that we are governed by an Invisible Captain. "A good subject this," I say toCtnxms, the Composer, "for you. Like the Flying Hollander. The 'Invisible Captain,'eh?" "Don't see it," replies Cullies, curtly. Hatlsher pleasantly adapts the well-known line from The Critic by way of softening down the Composer's asperity, and says, "The Invisible Captain he cannot see, because he is not yet in sight." Whereat the Dean roars heartily, and then looks about the breakfast-table to see what more he can devour, finally settling on everything the Composer had thoughtfully selected for his own consumption. But we are tired of doing nothing, lying at anchor in Loch Ryan, while according to the Invisible C iptain the stormy winds do blow outside. We begin to feel mutinous. The three guests, after darkly talking the matter over "aft," determine to represent the case to Hailsheb, whom the sailors speak of as " the Governor." They call the Captain "the Skipper." [Why "Skipper?" Sounds like a playful name for a flea. J Hailsher conceals his annoyance under an appearanoe of listless- ness. Except the Dean,—who makes believe he is taking violent exercise by dressing in flannels, walking up and down the deck, then going below, putting on a shooting coat and deer-stalker hat to play at going out shooting, which he does with his rook-rifle at bottles tied to the stern,—we are all becoming depressed, and pining for movement at all hazards. Now, for the first time, I can appreciate the full force of a passage at the opening of some chapter in our National History which (if my Bchool memory serves me right) began— "The fleet had now been inactive frr some months, and both officers and men began to express the very generally felt opinion that they ought to be doing something if they were "to attack the enemy at all before the advent of the winter Beason rendered alt operations at sea impns4ble, or at least, highly dangerous for the ships, and disastrous to the English prestige." That's just our case: specially mine. I want to be off: somewhere, anywhere. "Anywhere, anywhere, out of the Loch!" To be up ana doing: something, anything! And so say all of us. We begin to murmur: we murmur to the Governor in the hope that he will bawl to the Captain, the Invisible Captain. "And when the Captain comes for to hear of it"—it is to be hoped he '11 give the Word to pipe all hands, hoist tails, and put out to seft. Afternoon in Harbour.— Shooting bottles becomes mdnotohous. The Dean and myself congratulate one another on our excellent aim —and when we succeed in knocking one over, which we do on an average about onoe in twenty-five times, one of us says to the other with a knowing sportsmanlike air, "Ah, I don't think a rabbit, sitting, would have much chance with us now?" Privately, I don't think he would, if he only sat lonq enough. [Happy Thoyght.—What chances an animal painter must have with a rabbit sittiiig!] We both agree, however, that bottle-shooting is "excellent prac- tice,"and, aswegoon, wetell each other stories arranged on a Gradually ascending scale of thrilling interest, about what we have individually done in the way of rabbits, hares, grouse, and game generally. I never knew till this afternoon, when I am backing myself against the Dean, what a first-rate sportsman I have been unto now, and what a vast experience I suddenly seem to have got. Where does it come from? I 've only been out really shooting twice in my life, and I can't have done it all then. Yet I am not conscious of absolutely telling untruths: I am perhaps embellishing, and am dividing the twice I went out (which being for two days was, say, altogether sixteen hours' shooting) by eight, so that I can give a varied ex- Eerience. Wonder if the Dean is doing the same? I don't think so, ecause he has got a gun of his own and I haven't. I notice there is one sort of shooting we both avoid mentioning, and that is the only one we're likely to get on our yacht; i.e., wild fowl, and sea-birds. With this exception we draw the line at Deer; that is before we come to Deer. Neither of us ribk any anecdotes about Deer. The Dean's biggest success on land appears to have been with "Babbits sitting." Mine I know has been so, with my gun well- rested over a gate, and about five minutes to take steady aim, when such was the destructive character of my Bhot, that, by the time the smoke had cleared away, nothing was left of the unfortunate rabbit but two front teeth, some scattered remains, and a lot of fluffy fur. Of this I make no mention to the Dean, but express (what I really feel) my opinion, that "to shoot rabbits sitting is cruelty, or at all events unsportsmanlike." Whereupon the Dean says, apologetically, that he has only done it once or twice as a pot-Bhot with a rifle, but that as a rule he always shoots them running. I sav " So do I"—but I mean shoot at them running, which is all the difference—to them. About fifteen bottles fall to an expenditure of three hundred cartridges, and Hailsher, who privately con tides to me that his head aches with the perpetual popping, most pleasantly and with great apparent consideration for the Dean's future amusement, advises hira to "cease tiring," as perhaps he won't be able to get any more cartridges, and he may want them for sea-fowl. Dinner.—Joy! joy f the Captain has been seen at last. He has been interviewed by the Governor, and has made up his mind, come what come may, to sail to-morrow morning. We drink his health in a bumper of Pommery. Hatlsher offers a prize of an extra glass for a rhyme to Pommery. Here it is— One glass of Pommery Makes little Tom merry. The prize is mine, and once more I drink the Captain's health. "I hope we shan't start till after breakfast," says the Composer, who observes that " he hasn't yet got his sea-legs "—as if he were expecting them to be sent home the first thing to-morrow, so that he may try them on while dressing to see how they fit. The Evening.—We pass it hopefully, cheerfully, gleefully. The Composer, who till now has held aloof from the piano with a sort of "don't-know-you" and "never-seen-you-before " Bort of air, now seats himself, gives a few preliminary flourishes, and begins, as I observe, to warble. "Wobble, not warble, you mean," he says, for the first time pleasantly, "for the notes seem going up and down." "The piano hasn't got its sea-legs on," says the Dean, who is just recovering from a short fit of despondency, consequent on his not having been able to find a rhyme to Pommery. We are all specially polite to the Composer. The reason of this oozes out later. Each one of us has a song he wants to sing (for his own personal and peculiar delectation) and each one of us will be disappointed should Ctjllins refuse to accompany on the piano. Happy Thought.—Sweeten the Composer. Keep him sweet. Shades of evening gather round us as the sounds of harmony ascend from our saloon on board the Amarintha. To-morrow we sail—with the gale, from the Loch of Ryan, oh! I make the following notes :—Rough Malerialto be worked up into ft fie* collection of Nautical Proverbs :— "An English Skipper's house is his Fore-castle." "One Skipper doesn't make a "(what ?—word wanted here.) "Cry Hammock and unblip the cords " — {From the Nautical Shalspeare). "The Early Fish catches the Worm," or "The Early Worm catches the Fish." N.B. Are worms used at sea for bait? If not, substitute whatever is used. A bit of tin is used as bait for Mackerel. So—" The early bit of tin catches, &o."; or—Happy Thought.—" All that glitters catches the Mackerel." This will be a valuable work. Mrs. Ramsbotham says she is sorry she can't attend the Economic i1 Methodist Conference, as she could give them several hints mi Economy and Method. vol. xxxxi. 00 00 a X s ed O o O ►4 W a o o to PL, o O Ql o a s be: H i; * 02 K H * *• B o ■ is Kb 2 - * a „ K ° 5 f- - » * g s H 3 I- _ St g 6 8 SE Id p •a H K 3 H 31* SEPTEMBER IT, 1881.] 123 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 'ARRY EXHIBITS HIS RECENT PURCHASE TO A HORSEY BUT CANDID FRIEND. 'Arry (with pride). "There, my Boy! What do you think of that? Not deae at Forty Guineas, rh?" Friend. "Dear at Forty Shillings! Why he must ha' been tried for Sausages and sent back!" GREEN AS EVER. Earliest picked specimens of the Great Gooseberry Season :— Suspicious Circumstance.—Yesterday some curiosity was excited by the appearance in the midst of the reserved squadron, now moored in the Solent, of a long, olipper-built fore-and-aft-raked craft of about 12,000 tons burthen, carefully picking her way, with loaded runs, and no name or signals showing, towards the Admiral's Flag- snip. On being suddenly challenged, she instantly launched a couple of torpedoes, and withdrew rapidly round the corner behind the Needles. The local authorities insist on regarding the whole incident as a well-executed practical joke. Curious Scare.—The evening before last no little oommotion was caused in the neighbourhood of Clapham Common by the discovery, in the front garden of a detached villa, of an enormous creature of the rhinoceros species, measuring full twenty-seven feet in length, breaking down the front of several houses by charging at them with its powerful head. An explosion of dynamite being adroitly contrived under its back legs, the now furious creature, much to the amuse- ment of the bystanders, instantly turned, and, making a terrific rush, cleared away at a bound the whole of the brick wall and iron railings of the entire row. The brute, by this time much exhausted, felL At a later hour the creature was claimed by a Collector of Curiosities at Camberwell, who took his lively " specimen " home. Supposed Earthquake.—Last night, between twelve and one a.m. the inhabitants of Heme Bay were suddenly awakened by their houses falling, with a noise of thunder, about their ears, as the ground opened in several large chasms, and at the same time swallowed up the new jetty, the marine library and the whole of the sea front, leaving, this morning, not one stone standing on another. The phenomenon, comparatively unusual in the locality, is attributed to a alight shock of Earthquake. [And so on ad lib. Shxkspeabje on "Potato CuiTURE."—" Tuber or not Tuber, that is the question "—after an excessive rainfall. THE COMING FORCE AND ITS COROLLARIES. A Hint for the Would-Be Mummy Revivers. [At a banquet given to the Members of the British Association at Whitby, Sir George Elliot, M.P., referred to electricity as the probable motive force of the future.] Quite likely, Sir George. 'Tis a thing you should think on, Talk over with him who's just in for JSorth Lincoln. A go-ahead force is this same Electricity; Say, is the prospect unchequered felicity r Pray what do you think—you should think. Sir, at your age— The functions will be of Electrical Storage? To put, like Jem Lowther, the hands on Time's clock back? Or help to hold Progress's tide with its shock, back P To warm up old ghosts, quicken Mummies to Bogies, Or otherwise comfort old Women and Fogies? Dear Sir, not a bit of it; pray don't imagine it, Things, like Protection, dead as Plantagenet, The great Coming Force will not rouse. Just as easy a Ray might bring Chaos its Palingenesia, No. Vis Inertia's foe you will find. Sir, Will scarce prove a friend to the halt, deaf, and blind, Sir. Just lay this to heart. It will save lots of bother, To friends of Reaction like you and Jem Lowther. Mrs. Ram understands French better than she speaks it. Her Niece read out a dish on a menu, " Canard aux Tomates." "Good gracious!" exclaimed Mrs. Ram, "I can't eat a mechanical duck!" She's not bad at Latin too. Speaking of an intemperate person, she remarked that he drank, as they say, "ad lipitum.' Mr. John Bright is inclined to throw the blame of any absurd reactionary feeling in favour of Protection, on the weather. The Sun, he says in effect, doesn't understand politics. Evidently the Sun isn't Bright. 124 [September 17, 1881, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MISTIMED PLEASANTRY. FtMtiou* Dentist. "Oh, my dear Sir! There 'a no necessity to open your Mouth so 'wide. 1 can do it from the Outside easily, I assure you I" [But this sally was quite thrown away on his Patient I BY THE SEA. Four new German bands are playing, All in different tnne and time, Opposite to where I 'm staying, Till I feel impelled to crime. Is the Rhine watch kept no longer, That those Teutons follow me, And their brazen noise grows stronger, By the Sea. In the early morn my slumber's Broken by a hideous roar, What the fiend calls " fresh oucumbers' Are suggested at my door. Worse than nightly caterwauling With my matutinal tea, Shrimps and lobsters men are bawling, By the Sea. Recommended peace and quiet, I go out to take a stroll, On the shore a hideous riot Comes to vex my troubled soul. Here's that old eternal "'Abet," From whom I had hoped to flee, And methinks he means to tarry— By the Sea. On the shore when I lay back, it Seems as if the children then Came and made by far more racket Than they do near other men. And the boatmen's objurgations On the wind come foul and free, When I make perambulations By the Sea. So in sadness and in sorrow, I resolve to fly the shore; I '11 go back to Town to-morrow,— Better London's ceaseless roar. For there comes a fell reminder Of the weird that I must dree, Yes! it is an organ-grinder, By the Sea I Reciprocity, or "Give and take," means nothing and taking everything you can get. giving PREPARING FOR PREMIERSHIP. SCENE— The North of France, the South not having proved suffi- ciently amenable to unreason. Deputies, Prefects, Mayors, Generals, and Port-Admirals discovered. Chorus of Workmen, Sailors, Peasants, Journalists, and other small fry. M. Tirard. Well, if the ex-President of the ex-Chamber has quite finished his forty-ninth declaration of principles, I should like, in my mean capacity of Minister, to say a feeble something about that insignificant subject, Commerce. Prefect. Only one of the Cabinet. Order! Port-Admiral. Sabord et Tribord! Tell it to the marines! General. Nnm d'une bombe! Where are the gendarmes? Chorus. Where's our Gambetta? Give us back our Gambetta. We haven't heard him for eleven minutes and a half. Gambetta {from a tar-barrel). Here I am, Citizens or Messieurs (you may take your choice, I'm not particular), always ready at the call of duty to frame a new programme or knock daylight into an old one. Constans [humbly). But the Government thinks Prefect. "The Government"? What's that P Mayor. "Thinks"? What's that t Gambetta. I was about to sav, fellow-countrymen,—(aside) safer than Citizen or Monsieur; shall stick to it,—{aloud) when the disorderly egotism of a factious executive interrupted me, that, on the whole, I approve of the Elections. [General sigh of relief. Telegrams flashed all over the two hemispheres. Stocks go up, together with the spirits of a good many people who ought to be sitting in some. Local Deputies embrace in the Market-Place, and Armand de x'Arii'.ge says "Bless ye, my chi-i-ilderen ! "] Gambetta {from a balcony). Superficial non-subscribers to the Mont-Arentm thought me rather discomfited than otherwise. Said it looked like a licking. Not to the Statesman's Eye. (Glaring at Ministers.) Isn't the result a signal triumph for the Republic Y As a recognition of this triumph, and as a reward for those who prooured it, I—(Pauses impressively. Topmost tiptoe of expec- tation general attitude)—I consent to govern you. {Linmediate disruption of audience into Radicals and Respectables, and pitched fight.) Yes; and I am going to giye the Free-traders another Commercial Treaty—{Like Napoleon, yah.'); the Radicals a thorough revision of the Constitution— (Sellevillois, fa.'); the Centre, the abolition of the Income-Tax— {Bourgeois, pah!); and everybody, War. Constans. I 'm afraid we can't offer that variety of entertainment. We shall have to give up management. Chorus {throwing things,—and wreaths). Dictator! Despot! Deliverer! Humbug! Genius! Mountebank! FiKeGAttBETTA 1 Gambetta (from an elevated position). Thank you. You know my programme; and with a homogeneous and enthusiastic majority like you, I am sure to carry it out. Compensation; or, "'lis True 'tis Chitty." [Mr. Justice Chitty, distributing the prizes at the meeting of the High- clero-Park Lawn Tennis Club, said "he supposed that his lawn-tennis days were altogether gone, owing to the responsible office he had accepted.]' Yotrahealth, Justice CHiTir.athletic, wise, witty! i hotter; -more's the pity- vufliicmiu, nuatiuc vmni, uuiieuu, wise. Will To turn up your Tennis no doubt, is a botner; But if you don't "serve" in one Court- At least you will "rule " in another! "Sour Grapes." From some papers—" The Queen has given Princess Fred eric a the Hampton Court Vine." From other papers— The Queen has not given Princess Fbedeeica the Hampton Court Vine." What does the Princess herself say? Why, naturally, "My dear, I wouldn't have that Vine as a gift." September 17, 1881.] 125 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. HERE'S THE DUVAL" TO PAY! Claude Duval, or Love and any Lass—no, beg pardon, Messrs. Solomon and Stephens, H.P., we should have said "Larceny"—is a bright, sparkling- opera, and, like the hero himself, who comes in on horseback, it is well mounted. Claude of course was a thorough scoundrel, and deserved the hanging he got, but he has always Deen a fasoinating Highwayman with novelists, dramatists, and artists, and has been, consequently, -jz^A Act I., Tableau.—Claude Duval FniTHeriug away Ms time. drawn and hung over and over again, and now he is most comfortably Quartered at the Olympic, where he represents both musio and 71 drawing." Mr. Solomon's music hath charms to soothe the savage Critio, and must be heard more than once to be thoroughly appreciated; for it does not merely consist of the quadrille-band compositions of the imitation- Offenbach-opera-bouffe school (very backward pupils in that school), or the catching tunes of our Music-halls, but professes itself to be the music of genuine Comic Opera. It would be untrue to say—(so of course we couldn't say it—" what a good boy are we ! ")—that it is up to the standard—(good musical Critio on the Standard—Alfred Whatsunname, isn't it P— but that's not the sort of standard we mean)— which probably the Composer has set up for himself, and which is generally recognised as that of Comic Opera, but Mr. Solomon, belong- ing to an ancient family which has had a marvellous musical reputation for the last few thousand years or so, ever since—(but odi profanum, and for further particulars consult Master Solo-mon con- the Memoirs of Hiram, King of Tyre, and ducting himself Hiram Abiff—address, Temple Gardens, just properly at the on the square, &c, &c, "Freemasons, please Olympic. copy ")—has done well to enlist under this banner, and to whisper to his collaborateur, as Mr. Sam Weller said to Blazes in the presence of Mr. John Smaulker of Bath, "We '11 try a better next time." King Stephens is a worthy peer, and his story has in it something more than that of the needy knife-grinder's; in fact he has got so much to tell that there are in the plot materials for a Five-Act Melodrama and two Farces, which the necessities of a Three-Act oompressed Opera have rather jumbled up, so that the events, like Mr. Nupkins the Magistrate's ideas, and he was "full of 'em," come out rather knocking one another on the head. The story might have been a trifle clearer—or stay —might we have been a trifle clearer when we tried to follow it, and it distanced us (because some well-informed person would come and talk to us while, we believe, it was progressing) leaving us asking "why and wherefore," when we found ourselves at the end of the Second Act? We must see it again, or have our office telephone put in connection with the Prompter's box and enjoy it that way. No more going to theatres, no more hasty dinners, no more coughs and colds, no more fees, no more wait- ing for cabs that won't come,—try our Dramatic Telephone. on old Telephone I We don't quite know with whom Miss Edith Blande, who ap- peared as Ruse, one of McOruder's nieces, was in love with, and we couldn't absolutely make out which was McGrudtr. Miss Harriet * Artist's address can be had at our office, but he is a crack shot, and has been " out" several times,—when anyone called on him. A Fire-eater, and a Teetotaller. Gigantic combination !—Ed. Mr. H. P. Stephens—a noun of multitude. The double-headed, or Two-to-One-on- him Librettist.* Turn Covenet was very funny as McOruder's sister, Mr. F. H. Celli, gallant and gay as Claude, and Charles Lorrimore—Charles his iff Edith Blande-ishment. 1 Linked sweetness long drawn out." Claude and Lorrimore exchange cloaks. The long and the short of it. Perfect disguise, of course. friend—looked as much like an "adherent of Lord Claeendon" as it was possible for Mr. George Power to do. The way in which he went on adhering to Lord Clarendon throughout t,h.e Opera was charming! How he adhered! Quite the sticking- plaster Gent in his power of adherence. As Constance, Miss Marion Hood, looked like a pretty Soho-Bazaarian or Arcadian Doll, and with about as much mechanical action, but standing out amongst the other little maids of Bur- lington Arcadee representing the Happy Villagers on the Village Green of Mill- dew—no, Milden—Manor. We did like their Miiden manner! What a delight- ful village. Imagine them going to their work, milking the Milden cows, feeding the Milden pigs, toying—mecha- nically toy-ing with the musical pet baa-lambs—four-in-a-bar lambs—and listening to the swains as they pipe beneath the trees 1 Our Tee- Doll and Dolly. Landscape representing Happy Village where the Peculiar Peasant Maidens reside.—After Claude (rfw Yet). total Artist oouldn't restrain his emotion, and has drawn an ideal picture of The Happy Claude du Valley Village. Mr. Arthur Williams is capital as Sir Whiffle Whafflex and his song " My Name's Sir Whiffle Whaffle" is, with the refrain of the aforesaid Village Maidens, one of the many hits of the Opera. "William is sure to be right," another good song not gone wrong, is well given by Mr. Fred Solomon, and generally receives three or four encores. We fancy there was a sort of political idea about it that gave it a go; at aU events, the encores were unanimous, there was no obstruction, and nobody dissented from the proposition that '' William was sure to be right?' Is it dedicated to the Premier f Author and Composer have an eccentric bouffe piece coming out, when Patience goes to Mr. D'Otlet Cartels new Theatre, The Beaufort, or the Saveloy, or whatever its name is to be. And we wish them another success, which, to give the Duval his due, they seem to have achieved at the Olympic. We 're inclined to stoop to Folly, and go in for a little Imprudence next week. Very successful revival of Never Too Late to Mend at the Adelphi, which we can do no more than allude to here, as it's never too late to mend-tion it. . . ■ .... from danzio. What did the meeting of the two Emperors mean P Nothing—or Nihilism? Prince Bismabce was in Russian uniform, with Russian leather boots. This looked well, but looks bad —for Russia. 126 [September 1?, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. TRYING IT ON. iScrn'e—A Laboratory. Enter, in search of mischief. Master Geobqe Elliot and Master Jem Lowtheb, the latter a "pickle" of the purest type. Master Oeorge {chuckling). Oh! here we are again! Master Jem {pirouetting). "All among 'era once more," as old Dabs the fisherman says when he drops upon a school of roach. Master Oeorge. Didn't expect to have a chance again so soon. What larks, eh P Master Jem. Rather! But what shall we be up to now we are hereP Master George. Let's nail up the globe so that it won't turn! Master Jem. And paint the map of England all blue! Master George. And put wrong figures into those reckoning-tables! Master Jem. Mix up the chemicals, and raise glorious stinks. Master George. Pop a spider into the telescope, or pour treacle down the microscope! Master Jem {dissatisfied). Ah! but we 've done all that over and over again. Getting slow, don't you know. Can't we hit upon some lovely new lark? Master George. Explosions are good fun. Master Jem. Yes—if you don't blow yourself up. I did last time I tried, and it wasn't nice. Blew me bang out of my seat; and what with that and the birching I got—oh, my! [_Pantomimic demonstration dposteriori. Master George. Well, but we must do something. Master Jem. Something that'll rile old Glassy, and upset his arrangements and calculations and things. He's out now—won't be back for ever so long, so now 's our time. Master George. But how about old Staffy? He's knocking round somewhere, I 'm sure. Master Jem {grinning). Oh, him! Who's afraid of him t Ask Randy Chubchxll. Besides, I don't believe he half dislikes a bit of a bust-up, so long as you don't tell him beforehand!!! Matter George. Well, perhaps not. But what shall it be P Master Jem {musing). Let—me—see. Oh, 1 have it. Twig that old Mummy there? Master George. Yes. What of it P Master Jem. Let's give it a shock with the Electrical Machine! Master George. Why, what's the good of that? It's as dead as Pharaoh and all his host. Master Jem. Is it? How do you know? Did you never read Esgar Poe's tale about the Galvanised Mummy P Master George {dubiously). Ye-e-s. But that's only a story, don't you know. Master Jem {derisively). Story P Well, you are a prosy chap! Wouldn't dear old Dizzy have been down upon you for pooh-poohing stories P Don't know what you can do till you try, even with a Mummy. Master George. Well, I 'm game; only it does look so dreadfully dead. Even Dizzy said so. Master Jem. Dead! What does that matter if we can only make it look alive—even for a little while? Do splendidly for a Bogey, anyhow. Master George. By Jove! It would be a lark, eh P Master Jem. I should say so. Lor! it 'd be the making of us with our lot, and regularly dumfog those other fellows who are so cocky with their Gospel according to Cockek, and their facts and figures and things. Master George. Splendid! And won't it scare old Gladby if it begins to stir, and make a horrid noise, and roll its eyes about,./tw< as if it were alive, don't you know? Master Jem. 1 believe you, my boy. Come, let's fix the wires and grind away like winking. Master George. Right you are! Hooray! Hoo ah! but I say, suppose the confounded thing were to—ahem!—were to come alive again, really, and no larks, like, like that horrid Frankenstein thing, you know. Awkward for us, eh? {Hesitates.) ling, Ma Master Jem {recklessly). Boh! Who's afraid? Go it blind and fast, is my motto. Let s wire in! [ They do. "Old Staffy" {behind). Humph! Wild lads. Rather rash experi- Staffy" {behind). ment. Suppose I ought to interfere. out. Think I '11 wait a bit and see. But—I wonder how it will turn [ Waits a bit—and will see. A Trio.—Imagine the delight of Gog and Magog at hearing that one of the new Sheriffs is to be Alderman Ooo. Ogg, the King of Basin-of-Turtle. f= CO 31 3 o 1 w w H o A t-1 i—i I—( H O o M M O 3 H O g i W RtrM Puncheon P Look hete, don't you know, you magnanimous old marlin spike! Avast! your tomatoes! Belay! Toil gibberingold jib-boom! You and Goto! Go to-iriato. Why don't you say tommy- toes at once? Why not Tom martyr P Eh, you sapient old sprit-sail P* Were I not Troppo carricata, [ 'd sing a ballata, Or play a toccata, In praise of Tomata! The Poet—Crabbe! For Tomata, I maintain it is, you benighted old binnacle. See the famous case of Bardell v. Pickwick. Said Mr. Serjeant Buzfus, " Gentle- men, what does this mean ?—'Chops aid Tomata-sanoe. Tours, Pick- wick,' Chops! Gracious heavens'. And Tomata-SQL\ice." Besides this, I 've taken out a poetic licence, and shall, if I please, sing even about a Potala. Tata, you comic old cringle. Tours tautomata-cally, On board the " Shuttlecock," The Lazt Minstkel. No end of latitude, and no longitude to speak of. * We'd got as far as this, when we thought we 'd look at tho signature. Oh, from the Lazy One is it? In his poem (?) list week we queried his "Tomata." Either it is a feminine noun, or a neuter plural from Tnmatum, liko Pomatum or Teetotum, which would make "Pomata" and " Teetota." He adduces JJuzfuz as his authority! AVhat the dickens—we mean what the adduces—no—we'll think it over.—Ed. THE PIC-NIC OF THE PERIOD. A Pic-nic! Now the lady of the Hall, Or Rector's wife, will issue invitations, That, answered with due courtesy, recall The agony of ancient aggravations; Of thunder-clouds that did the sun eolipse; Of sheets of rain 'twiit Medmenham and Marlow; Of what had brought strong language to the lips Of Sandford's and of Merton's Mr. Barlow. A Pic-nic—salmon, lamb, and huge game-pies, Consumed when lazily on rugs reclining; The hapless ant within the gravy dies, And wasps and slugs are, self-invited, dining. This at some strange hour when no sane man eats, With indigestion's pangs you well remember; Tet here's an invitation to cold meats— A luncheon out of doors in drear September. 'Tis very well for girls and beardless boys— Toung lovers rise superior to the weather— But even then stern fate will mar their joys, For ofttimes the wrong couples get together. So. view it with a calm sagacious eye, The fuss and worry of the preparation, The culminating horrors of cold pie, And own a Pic-nic 's ah abomination. Slips of Moms. CocrcttEYS of Cockaigne will be glad to hear that the old Cock Tavern is not coming down. Jolly Old Cock! It might " come down" in its prices, as, though we say it affectionately, it is rather a Dear Old Cock. What a jolly Cock crew of old Cock Cro-hies used to fore- gather there! Keep your pecker up, Old Cock, you 're not going td be frightened away by what The Globe calls that " scare-crow" the Griffin. Gallus hard lines if you Were, after all these years of crowing popularity. fiy the Wat, why not put aplacard of " Visitors art; requested not td toilch the figures " on the Griffin's pedestal P 'To Ooi««ro»TU«T* — :U Editor doa not U hi-nutf bound (e aclnunritdot. rttxrn, »r pnvfor Conlribulim. In nt €•« can tluu r§ a tiiunvtd and directed envelope. 'o.. - U be kept- September 24, 1881.] 135 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. BREAD UP! With Covent Garden Mar- ket to give us dear vegetables, with Billingsgate to give us dear fish, and with the " Fair Trade" agitators to give us dear bread, no one can say that England, and especially London, is showing any signs of Radical decadence. If we pay four pence for potatoes that are worth a penny, who shall say that a Duke of Mudfobd is not cheaply purchased at the money r If we pay the price of roast beef for fish that is only worth about twopence a pound, we have in exchange the ancient Corporation of the City of London, with all its turtle-dinners and historical associations — the benevolent "Uncle " who lent that Merry Monarch and jocular financier, Charles tee Second, what he required for his personal wants, on security which taxed some of the necessaries of life for centuries. And if the Fair Trade League suc- ceed in taxing corn, in raising the price of the four-pound loaf, and in taking daily a slice of bread-and-butter out of the mouths of hungry children, they will give us in return the blessings of a Tory Government—a Government that will double our taxation, tie our Budgets into Gordian Knots, but will fool us to the top of our bent with cock-a- doodle-doism. To Girtonians.—Wanted, for the prospected Holloway's College, a few Female Private Tutors. No Male '' Coaches'' need apply. PUNCH'S FANCY PORTRAITS.-No. 50. W. HARRISON AINSWORTH. TO THE GREATEST AXE-AND-NeCK-RoMANCER OF OCR TlME, WHO IS QUITE at the Head of his Profession, we dedicate this Block. Ad hvltos AsNoa I A WORD FOR THE CITY. The City of London was once destroyed by fire, and stands a very good chance of being so destroyed again. Its local fire-brigade consists of two engines and thirteen men —neither a lucky nor a suffi- cient number to cope with an outbreak like the one which destroyed half-a-million of property the other day in Cheapside, and provided the gaping public with something to gape at. Captain Shaw's organisation is perfect as far as it goes, but he cannot be in two or more places at once; and if he was half-an-hour in reaching the fire, the fault lies with those who transferred his head-quarters to Southwark. The Metropolitan Board of Works is very anxious to reform the City, but it ought to take care that something is left to reform. Even Bil- lingsgate, as it is, is better than no Billingsgate and a heap of charrea ruins. The City is not London, but it is the most important part of London, and the payment of one-seventh of the Metropoli- tan rates ought certainly to insure it better treatment. "Wht, Cert'nly ! "—Ima- gine the delight of Mr. Edgar Bruce, now on tour with his own Company—the only occa- sion when a Manager, unlike most men, is not dull, i.e., left alone with his own Company —in the land of Bruce (N.B.), at hearing of the success of The Colonel in Egypt. He at once wired to the Khedive to arrange terms. A LANCASHIRE NOVELIST. {Interviewed at Home by Our Own Special Stranger.) "Nothing had delighted me more than to be styled the Lancashire Novelirt."—Mr. Harruon Aintworth at the Manchettcr Banquet. It is no ordinary footman who has at length appeared in answer to our thirty-five minutes' effort to make our advent known by "wind- ing a horn thrice," as requested on the brass plate above the rare Toledo knocker. The door has been swung mysteriously back by a retainer handsomely caparisoned in rich Damascus doublet, russet jerkin, and arras trunks, relieved with the heraldic emblazonment of the house, a Tower of London reversed or, on a somersault double quevee gules,—and we are in the hall. At a glance we take in the taste of the owner. Demi-limes, battle-axes, culverins, stuffed beefeaters, death-warrants, piles of rare old unopened tapestry, ■ackbuts, and other musical instruments of torture, almost bar our way to the reception-chamber. But we reach it at last. We have scarcely time to take in that we have been ushered into an ancient Elizabethan hall of vast proportions, dimly lighted by the flickering blaze of a huge yule log, when a sudden spring made at our throats by several recumbent blood-hounds, whose presence we had not hitherto noticed among the massive mediaeval furniture, brings our host courteously to his feet. With a "Back—Northumberland! Off—Sir Catesby!—down, traitors!" and a cheery "Gramercy. dogs,-^an' would ye throttle your Master's honest interviewers!" he quickly rescues us from our somewhat embarrassing position. With a low ominous bay the hounds skulk off into dark recesses, and our host continues— "I see you are a couple of perfect strangers, over the eldest of whom some sixty summers, at least, must have swept;" he says, brightening, "And. believe me, nothing could please me better; for I am always 'out to friends and acquaintances. It is only the strangers who inspire romance: and I like them always to call, a couple at a time; and, if possible, without leaving their cards, in the setting sun. See!" he adds, suddenly touching a quaint Venetian handle as he is speaking, "We can always turn any amount of that on here!" and, as if by magic, a flood of crimson light pours in through the mullions and trefoils of the great stained oriel window, and bathes the ancient chamber in a soft ruddy glow. "You'll crush a flagon or two of good Malmsey sack, I warrant me," he proceeds, with a genial wave of the hand, and, in a few minutes, steaming bowls of the mixture are being handed round by stalwart henchmen. As we throw ourselves luxuriously on to a wrought-iron lounge, one of Matsys' masterpieces, we notice that our host has resumed his place on a peculiarly-shaped seat, somewhat resembling a solid music-stool. "Staring at this?" he asks, good-humouredly. "It is the original block from the Tower; and I have had a back and arms added for comfort. Nothing like inspiration!" We laugh, and take another deep draught of the well-spiced golden mixture, that seems such an appropriate accompaniment to the whole scene. "We should like to hear something about yourself," we at length suggest, emboldened; as to gather a little information about our illustrious host is, in fact, the object of our mission. He meets us by another challenge to "about of honest sack," which we gra- ciously accept. The bloodhounds seem to know that they may now safely quit their hiding-places. Bowls are once more filled. Then he begins:— "How did I come to be the Manchester Novelist?" he asks, oollo- quiaUy. "Well,—I will tell you. Mine is a somewhat strange history," he continues, as if trying to recall some incident in the remote past; "and, if I remember rightly, I was born in the Tower of London, somewhere about the time of the Great Plague,—let us say roughly, the year a.d. 1715. I remember those early days well. 135 [September 24, 1881, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. They were passed with the Duke of Northumberland, Jack Shep- pard, Cranmer, some of the Gunpowder Conspirators, and my dear old friend George Cruikshank. It was a stirring period altogether, and we went with the times. I was as wild as the rest, and after having had a hand in the Fire of London (I helped James the Second to light Old St. Paul's myself), I hired a hearse hack, and under the assumed name of Dick Turptn, rode to York in two hundred and seventy-six hours. It was a daring feat, and coming, at the rate of two and sixpence an hour, to a pretty considerable sum, got me into such trouble that my friends determined to send me to Oxford, and entered me as an undergraduate at Auriol. "Here I let the reins go pretty freely. I lived like a Spendthrift, kept a hunter and frequently rode—yes, it was to Heme Bay and back, making heavy bets on each event. This got me into sad straits: so, finding myself with scarcely a flitch of bacon to live on, and known unfavourably at most of the local billiard-rooms I frequented as ' Rookwood,' I determined to make a plunge for it at anv cost,— and without more ado, I married a Miser's Daughter. That was my turning point. Old George was my best man, and I remember him slapping me familiarly on the back after the ceremony, and saying, 'William, my boy, you might be let loose among the Lan- cashire Witches now, and you would conduct yourself like an Admirable Crichton.' "He was right. There were lots of money, and I bought Oving- dean Grange. The Vicar, the Rev. Mervyn Clitheroe, is my most intimate friend. I am honoured and respected. People point me out in St. James's, and there's always a knife and fork ready for me at Windsor Castle. You see, my friends," he said, rising, with an agreeable self-complacency, "I have some interesting materials for the autobiography I referred to the other night at Manchester." We bow. "And now," he adds, "having greeted you as strangers, let me place your cards on my rack—the self-same instrument, the original one from the Tower, on which so many of my friends have been gibbeted." With a cheery farewell he shows us to the now glimmering street. The bloodhounds give a final spring, but in another minute two strangers, once more safe and sound, are to be seenTwinding their way slowly through the dusk to the' neighbouring cab-stand. And so ends our interview with the Great Lancashire Novelist. A DIP INTO ASIA. The Volga river in length and breadth is the finest in Europe, but it is not a tourist's river. You can float or steam down it for two or three thousand miles, if you are satisfied with sandbanks and slopes, which scarcely rise to the dignity of hills. A Volga steam- boat is a large and comfortable vessel, with a dining-saloon, sleeping cabins, a table d'hote, and an upper and lower deck. The fore part of the boat is devoted to second and third class passengers, and the latter lie upon the lower deck in one closely packed heap, consisting of men, women, children, baskets, bedding, and tea-urns. Small rough seats and tables are fixed at the sides near the port-holes, on which the men drink tea, 'eat vegetable soup, and play at cards. Persians, Jews, Russians, Circassians, Tartars, Merchants, Peasants, and others, form the living cargo, and the children amuse themselves by climbing to the highest peak of bedding from which they can command a view of the engine-room. When they are tired of this they swarm on to the upper-deck, and little bare-legged, bare footed Tartar and Russian urchins, danoe freely over the sacred limits which separate the first from the lower class passengers. Russia, as I have said before, is a despotic country, and the English, as I have said bofore, have much to be thankful for. Travelling in Russia is a family ceremony. The activity of the children is fortunately not shared by the parents, who are kept quiet by that wonderful power of sleep which is a leading national characteristic. In two days from Nishni you reach Samara, the head-quarters of Russian corn, and the iEsthetio sunflower. The Russians do not worship the sunflower, like a certain sect in England; they grow it for seed, and nothing more. A Samara inhabitant will speculate as a grower of sunflowers in no higher spirit than a love for filthy lucre. The wharves at Samara would be a disgrace to Khiva. A sloping desert of sand, mixed with decayed vegetable matter, and all kinds of muck, half covered with wooden sheds in every stage of ruin, that would hardly shelter a decent English pig, is all Samara has to show for its river-side market. Each stall-keeper has a family, who roll in the dust, and look on while the Samarese buy fruit, nuts, or musk- melons. And yet Samara is a wealthy town with ninety thousand inhabitants, and Russia has a great engineer like Todleben, and more than a million of soldiers doing worse than nothing! A short distance outside Samara, on the road to Orenbourg, is a small ditch, which the Empress Catherine the Second, commonly called the Great Catherine, decided was the boundary between European Russia and Asia. Catherine was a great Empress, but a very small geographer. [*»* No space—more illumination from this "IJip" next week. This "Dip " is a Rush-ia light.—Ed.] Comfortable Sensation Scene ■ or, "Letting him down easy." N.B.—When the victim drops into the Canal, salt is thrown up to represent the effect of the splash. 'Salt and battery. THE NIGHT-LIGHTS OF LONDON. To judge Mr. G. R. Sims according to his Lights, we should say that his new melodrama has decidedly thrown all recent productions of the same class into the shade. Of course, the author will follow up The Lights of London with The Heart of London and then The Lungs of London. "The piece," as a Lady next to us observed, "seems like a success; " to which we immediately replied, Shakspearianly, "Sims, Madam, nay Vis. I know not Sims,"—which is personally true, though we profess great admira- tion for his work. The dialogue is excel- lent: rarely on stilts, never flat, and generally easy, epigrammatic, and, above all, perfectly natural. Strange to say of a genuinely successful melo- drama—and it thoroughly deserves its success—the weakest part is the central sensation scene, which borders dangerously on the ludicrous in repre- sentation; and, still stranger, the female in- terest of the story is so feeble, that, on calm con- sideration, the real heroine of the piece is the comic old woman, played as only Mrs. Stephens can play such a part. Bess Marks, intended for the heroine, is throughout fatigued, fainting, or half-dying, and therefore, of course, not much talk can be expected from her in these conditions; and then she is perpetually being carried about or embraced by Mr. Wilson Barrett, who is invariably either soothing her, or consoling her, or sending her off to sleep, or keeping her quiet in a general way, which is not conducive to much development of speech on the part of the unhappy Bess Marks, most sympa- thetically played by Miss Eastlake, who makes the most of her single opportunity of giving the villain a bit of her mind at the end of the piece. As to the other girl, Hetty Preene, Miss Emmeline Ormsbt, she is very soon out of it altogether. Mr. Wilson Barrett, as the unfortunate The Real Heroine of Harold Armytage, enlists the sympathies of the Drama, the audience from first to last, never over- doing it except once when, as the escaped convict, he insists on cuddling and mauling Jarvis, the itinerant Theatrical Manager, who, judging from the lifelike portraiture of the character, as represented by Mr. George Barrett, would have speedily resented such liberties, and have knocked the convict down then and there. This cuddling of the Showman suggested, naturally, that Cuddling's the man, not Short" —and the shorter this becomes the better it must be artistically. But these are mere trifling details, and could not be insisted upon for a moment, were not all the rest so exceptionally good. The villain's part, though conceived, as is the story itself for the matter of that, on old lines, is sensibly written; every word is true to the character. Clifford Armytage, like the Prince of Darkness nimself, is a gentleman to all outward appearance, a sharp, cynical, reparteeish, swellish, deep double-dyed scoun- drel—just, in fact, the sort of blackguard we should like to be if we took up that line pro- fessionally. The other villain, Seth Preene, is well played by Mr. Walter Speakman. But there is one touch, which is worth the whole piece put together —and very well put together it is—when in Act ill. Mr. WrLSOH Barrett, the innocent escaped convict, finds his wife in Jarris's ^*s W, " We are not on in this Scene," and the three steal out on tip-toe. This is a bit of the true pathos of comedy which may be put side by side with Robson listening to his son's letter being read to him in the tist Act of The Porter's Knot. Act I.—Army- tuge Hall.—Resid- ence of Mr. Armi- tage} a country , ( . Squire. He is a widower, and his late wife's name was Ruth, so as he has behaved very badly to his son, and is a very hard, unforgiving old man, he may at once be called the Ruthless Squire. He keeps his deeds and jewels in a nuge refrigerator, near the one large open window of his study, not twenty feet from the high road, ana facing a sort of aviary, m which his Lodge-keeper and his daughter are supposed to have built their nest. For the sake of these deeds and jewels he is soon knocked on the head by Seth Preene, and the audience are delighted to know that they won't have a chance of seeing this prosy Ruthless old man again. He is the only old bore in the piece, and Mr. Sims must have felt a consi- derable weight off his mind when he was finally disposed of. "Now," Mr. Sims must have said to himself, "now we can get along." For this felony Harold, who didn't do it, is sentenced, and his cousin enjoys the property. Seth, in Act. II., hands over certain deeds to a Solicitor, which prove that the stupid and Ruthless Squire has left Harold his sole heir. This Solicitor doesn't appear again until he turns up in a police station in the Borough, on Saturday night—though how he got there isn't clear, unless he is on a visit to the Inspector, or out, by the end of this month, which is a hint to anyone anxious to be amused by three Acts of Imprudence. Act I.- -The Ruthless Squire's Uncomfortable Study. Aviary Lodge and Birdcage Walk. Imprudence and Folly. &r THE MEETING OF THE EMPERORS. (From Our Own Correspondent.) Dantzig was selected as the place of meeting by the Emperor of Russia, who feels more secure at sea, and has a horror of railways. The German Emperor would have preferred the meeting at one of his military camps. Like Angelina'in the comic song he is "very fond of soldiers," so is the Crown Prince; so is Bismarck; so is Moltke. cadging for business among the night charges—but again, we will not be impertinently curious, and after all there he is when he's wanted, and if we ask "Who brought him?" the reply is "Mr. Sims"— which must satisfy every right-minded person, well, this Solicitor turns up as a deus ex machind, produces the deeds at the critical mo- ment when Seth confesses his crime. When the guilty and the innocent Armytages are summarily dealt with by a Police Inspector, entrusted by Scotland Yard with special powers for this night only, and all ends, as it ought to do, happily. The crowd in the Borough Scene and the fight are admir- ably managed. For the Stalls Last Act.—The Fearful Struggle in the Boom over the Shop, as it appeared to our Artist in the Stalls. the contrivance for showing " another jolly row up stairs," is rather too suggestive of but see our Artist s notion of this. Mr. Caete's Theatre, The Saveloy, is not yet opened. "Patience," and all will be well. At the Folly.—That the publio should go to Mr. Toole's Folly to laugh at Mr. Pinero's Imprudence is natural enough, seeing that Im- prudence gives excellent scope for Mr. Righton's peculiar drollery, while Mr. Wood is very funny as a sort of malicious Captain Cuttle, and Mr. Clifford Coopee droll as a repulsively selfish old Anglo- Indian. "Safe," but not particularly novel situations, evoke roars of laughter. Miss Compton is a dashing representative of the gay Mrs. Parminter Blake. Miss Kate Bishop, and Mr. Carter, represent the more serious interest, such as it is, of the play. Doby the board- ing-house waiter, and Mattiet the drudge of the establishment, are two small character parts capitally worked up by Mr. Redwood and Miss Laura Lindon. On account of the coming improvements in the "auditororium," as Mrs. Jarvis calls it, the workmen will be in, and this company Dantzig is a quaint old port—a full description of which you will find in Murray or Baedeker. It is celebrated for a drink called spruce, which is very popular in Whitechapel. Bismarck was the first to arrive with his dog and his shorthand writer. The dog bit a railway porter, and the shorthand writer made a note of it. Moltke was invited, ibut refused to come unless Bismarck could assure him that it meant " business." Bismarck declined to commit himself, and Moltke remained at home. The Emperor of Prussia, commonly called the Kaiser, arrived, and was told that the Emperor of Russia, commonly called the Czar, was detained at sea by the fog. The Kaiser was visibly affected. When asked if he would sleep at Dantzig, he gave an evasive answer. The Czar arrived at last, and the meeting between the two Emperors was simply touching. They embraced each other with tears _ in their eyes. The Nihilist journals may talk about historical kisses, but, as bystander, I say the interview was simply touching. I could have kissed—but no matter, I was alone. Dinner had been ordered at one place, but another dinner was hurriedly ordered at another. I do not feel at liberty to state the reason for this change. It had nothing to do with cookery. The conversation began with general topics. The Kaiser asked after the Livadia, wishing to show some interest in naval matters. "A tub," answered the Czar. "I thought so," said the Kaiser, though he had never seen her. "We are breaking her up, and shall never build another." "Quite right," returned Bismarck, "the sea is not your element, nor ours." "You have abolished passports, I hear?" said the Czar. "For years past," returned the Kaiser. "You find no ill effects from your system?" "None whatever. When we had passports, every blackguard coming into Germany possessed one without a flaw: now we have none, we are no worse off, and have ceased to worry respectable people." The Czar ruminated. "Time is precious," said Bismarck, "and perhaps we had better come to the point at once." "Exactly?' returned the Kaiser, quite obediently. "I have Todleben, and a million of soldiers." said the Czar. "And I have Moltke and another million," replied the Kaiser. "As strangers are present," interrupted Bismarck, "we had pro- bably better continue this discussion in another room." Though this was spoken in German, I understood it perfectly, and politely withdrew. As I was, quite accidentally, passing the door of their consulting-room, I fancy I heard the words, "Constanti- nople," "Porte," "Khedive," "Anglo-French," "Tripoli," "Tunis," "Italy," and something above a whisper about "maintaining the peace of Europe," which seemed to involve some splendid joke, as they all laughed heartily. I should have just popped in genially with " I hope I don't intrude," had not my attention been attracted by a deep growl just at my toes, when I suddenly perceived Bis- marck's dog on the door-mat. So I retired quietly. I shall see the Bizzy One privately, and will communicate the information. 138 [.September 24, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ■ LASCIATE OGNI SPERANZA VOI CH'ENTRATE!" As Botticelli Brown said to his two Friends, as, tired and thirsty, they came into a Welsh Watering-Place on a Wet Sunday! CORNERING THE "CORNERERS." "What is a " Cornerer "? The question, may perhaps be asked by many, because honest men are not generally well up in " Thieves' English"—until the thieves force the unpleasant knowledge upon them. Well, the term " Cornerer" is one of the many euphemisms for a greedy knave which Trade has found useful since it took to the tricks of the gambler. The "Cornerer" is "a sharp fellow." Tricky Trade takes that as a compliment. The "Cornerer" is a conscienceless speculator who buys up cotton-crops in advance, in order to plump nis pockets by forcing up prices to a factitious level, reckless of the damage he may do legitimate trade and laborious in- dustry. Speculating in "futures," that is, buying the crop before even it is sown, he secures for a time a virtual monopoly on nis own terms, and the spinners have to pay the piper. What the Fore- staller and Regrater is with respect to Corn, that is the "Cornerer" with regard to Cotton. His venture is looked upon as a " legitimate speculation" by those who would think it legitimate to speculate in food at the risk of famine, or in physic at the cost of epidemic and plague. Men not inspired by piratical principles regard it as ruth- lessly selfish scoundrelism, well meriting the pillory, which in other days would have been its punishment. The Lancashire Cotton Spinners, with a view to cornering the Cornerers, have agreed to stop their Mills for a time, of course at the cost of loss to them and distress to their operatives. Whether all the Spinners themselves have been free from that reckless spirit of speculation which now in so many quarters reduces Trade to the level of none too honest gambling, is a question that some of the present denouncers of the "Corner" might profitably consider at their leisure. But Mr. Punch sympathises with the real sufferers from the Cotton Shylocks. His Pillory is not disestablished. To see this rascally " Ring" smashed, the Cornerer " hoist by his own dirty device, tossed high in a sheet of penance, and "broke by the fall," is what all honest men would desire. As "a nation of shopkeepers," let us at least look well to our weights and scales, and purge the mart of those cruel and nefarious "tricks of Trade" which alone make com- merce a bye-word and a reproach among men of heart and honour. "MARY ANN." "The Scissors Trade at Sheffield is becoming as notorious for coses of rat- tening as was the Saw Trade, over which the notorious Broadhead presided some years ago,"— Standard. Bad news comes from Sheffield in quite the old way: They ratten the grinders of scissors to-day; The bands are all broken, the wheels are at rest, The workmen are idle who laboured the best; And sad is the heart of each hard-working man, At the murderous threats that are signed Maey Ann." Come out, Men of Sheffield, from all the old town, And dare with strong hand to put rattening down! Time was when a Broadhead, of infamous name, Made Hallamshire honour a byeword of shame: Take the brutes by the neck, strike as hard as you can. And you '11 soon hear the last of the vile "Maby Ann "! Shocking Foolery. Zoba, the "wonderful chair manipulator," who, performing at the Aquarium, tumbled off the top of a tall column of chairs, but did mot kill himself, is said to have suffered no worse injury than a "shock to the system." Stupidity supports a system of giving performances of which the enjoyment chiefly consists in seeing the performer risk breaking his neck. It would be well if Zora's fall gave a conclusive shock to such a system. She Didn't Mean It. Miss Bbown of London—good address this, and her other address which she made to the Trade s Union Assembly was not quite so vague —said " There ought to be no Rings." Oh, Miss Bbown of London! No Rings! and—no legal Unions, eh, Miss Brown of London? As the song says, "What will Mamma say! What will Papa say!" PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—September 24, 1881. WHAT WE SHOULD LIKE TO SEE. Chorus op Operatives. "SERVE HIM RIGHT IF HE'S BROKE BY THE FALL!; September 24, 1881.] 141 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. JOYS OF THE SEA-SIDE. Broum, "What beastly Weather I And the Glass is going steadily down!" Local Tradesman. "Oh, that's nothing, Sir. The Glass has no effect whatever on our part of the Coast!" "YOUR SONG AND SENTIMENT!" "In acknowledging the receipt of a political song sent him from Sheffield, Sir Stafford Northcote writes:—' There was a wise man of old who said, " Give me the making of the people's songs, and I will give you the making of their laws." I cer- tainly accept the doctrine so far as to believe that good songs will do a great deal more than speeches.' "—Yorkshire Post. Bravo, Sir Stafford! You cannot be wrong; Never mind speeches, but give us a song. Views on Free Trade may be hazy or strong; Bother orations, and give us a song. Speeches are wearisome often, and long; Why should you make them, but give us a song. Let your opponents go at it " ding-dong "— Spare us your speeches, and give us a song. Though folks to wild declamation may throng, Never be tempted, but give us a song. Thoughts upon trade from New York to Hong Kong Often are prosy, so give us a song. Others may speechify loud as a gong, You have a wiser plan,—give us a song. Though you may feel the political thong, Carol out sweetly, and give us a song! WORCESTER SAUCE. Oi*e Special Musical Critic, engaged on purpose, wires this:— "Could not go to hear Elijah. So it's their Prophet and your loss." We fancy he has been taking a few bars' rest on the road; and, as to his utter, not to say profane, frivolity in his other note to us, mixing up this Oratorio with a well-known air from the eccentric opera, Billee Taylor, beginning " All on account," &c, it leaves us more in sorrow than in anger; and he will find that he won't have anything on account of his expenses for this special occasion. We 're not going to be Worcester'd— we mean worsted—like this. from a stable companion. The Hunters of Belhus Write to tell us, "They 're going to sell us." Nice set of Fellus! EGYPTIAN CRISIS—SECRET HISTORY. Ordinary Telegram from Colonel Flutter Bey, Egyptian Infantry, Cairo, to Messrs. Bull and Bear, Stock Exchange, London. Please sell at best price possible fifty thousand of following Stocks :—Egyptian Daira, Domains, Preference and Unified. Ordinary TeUgram from Messrs. Bull and Bear, Stock Exchange, London, to Colonel Flutter Bey, Egyptian Infantry, Cairo. Received esteemed order. Operation will take two or three days, as the market must not be flooded. Cipher Telegram from Flutter, Cairo, to B. and B. London. Have waited forty-eight hours. Going to demand a Constitution at the head of the Army. This ought to send down Egyptians fifteen per cent. Leave it to you. Sell as much as you like over the fifty thousand. Will go halves in last operation. Cipher Telegram from B. and B., London, to Flutter, Cairo. _ All right about halves. We will stand in. Demand of Constitu- tion not enough. Can't you take the Khedite prisoner P It would have an excellent effect. Cipher Telegram from Flutter, Cairo, to B. and B., London. Shouldn't know what to do with him. Will make as much row as possible. English Controller away. Can't you get at the Sultan Y Cipher Telegram from B. and B., London, to Flutter, Cairo. Sultan not to be relied upon. Won't pay commission in advance, our terms for doing business with him. However, you might have a shot at him. Why not set fire to the Pyramids, or blow up the Nile f Keep things moving. Cipher Telegram from Flutter, Cairo, to B. and B., London. Pyramids won't burn, and everybody accustomed to overflow of the Nile. Have written to Sultan. Shall we insult the French Consul? Cipher Telegram from B. and B., London, to Flutter, Cairo. No. Insult to French Consul wouldn't suit books of our Corre- spondents in Paris. Is the Khedive standing in with anyone over here? Cipher Telegram from Flutter Bey, Cairo, to B. and B., London. Don't know. Think the Ministry's in the swim. Have received answer from the Sultan. He doesn't care to touch it. Believes he can get more out of Bondholders. Coward! Humbug! Sneak Cipher Telegram from B. and B., London, to Flutter, Cairo. Told you Sultan was no good. Don't think we can send Egyptians lower. Time to buy back. Bismarck in for the rise. Have realised on our joint account. How about you ?—private, fifty thousand? Ordinary Telegram from Colonel Flutter Bey, Egyptian Infantry, Catro, to Messrs Bull and Bear, Stock Exchange, London. Please buy at lowest price possible, fifty thousand of following stocks. Egyptian Daira, Domains, Preference and Unified. Ordinary Telegram from Messrs Bull and Bear, Stock Exchange, London, to Colonel Flutter Bey, Egyptian Infantry, Cairo. Received esteemed order, and have bought to close account. Cheque to hand at settlement. [Extract from Money Article in Daily Paper.) No doubt the announcement of the complete submission of the Egyptian Colonels to the Khedive, (which will be found in another part of our columns) had the effect of sending up all Egyptian securities yesterday. We have received a lengthy letter from Messrs. Bull and Bear, the eminent brokers, complaining that so financially Bound a country as Egypt should be made the means of Stock Exchange gambling. We cordially concur in the sentiments of our respected correspondents, and exceedingly regret that want of space alone prevents our publishing in extenso, their extremely interesting communication. 142 [September 24, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. -»A^*N5 •».^ AN EGYPTIAN BOND. France and England (duet). "Yes, we together!" Gratitude! [Speaking before the Land League Convention in Dublin, Mr. Parnell, for the hundredth time, repudiated the idea of " gratitude" being due to England or to any English Minister.] Gratitude? No, Sir! Though handicapped badly By wrongs of the past, we are striving for right. As to thanks for our labours, we leave that quite gladly To justice and time; knowing surely, if sadly, No gratitude comes from Unreason and Spite. The poor little Guys who have been compelled by unthinking parents to walk about in long skirts, antique cloaks, and coal-scuttle bonnets, have caused so much laughter that the dress is now called the "The Grinaway Costume." Words of Command for the Egyptian Army. "Move to the right in Echelon upon the Palace!" "Form hollow square on the Khedive I" "Prepare to receive bribes!" "Advance arms for ' Backsheesh'"! "At the word 'One,' fix bayonets; at the word 'Two,' present petitions!" "Take (everything you can find in) open order!" "And, lastly, at the caution 'Somebody 's coming!'—run awayI" Historical Parallel.—King John signing Magna Charta in the presence of the Barons, and the KnEDrvE giving a Constitution to the Colonels. This Colonel idea came out of our own Artist's Nut. "The state of the approaches to Billingsgate Market," says a City Father, "has been something too offal!" [The Mud-Salad district hasn't sensibly improved.] September 24, 1881.] 143 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. BlRDS ARE VERY WILD. "SO NEAR AND YET SO FAR!" ToMKlNS, WHO IS NOT IN GOOD CONDITION, HAS FOLLOWED THI8 COVEY OVER FlVE FIELDS. SAYS, HE CAN'T OET NEAR 'EM. TnEY SEEM TO HEAR HIM COMING! Somehow, he ON BOARD THE "AMARINTIIA." "A Nicht tct' Cullins "Still at Anchor—The Eve of Departure. It turns out that the Composer has brought a supply of nautical songs, all well known in a vague traditional sort of way, and once highly popular and probably soul-stirring." Coming across many of these ballads causes in us—or at all events in me—a sensation of surprise similar to what Culltns himself experiences whenever he discovers we are in sight of Borne small island with which he has been familiar years ago on the map. This sudden recognition of places is a constant source of excitement to the Composer, as, with a map spread out before him on deck, and his finger on it at some- where about the spot where we ought to be, he keeps looking up at the island (or whatever it maybe), frowning as if in excessive annoyance at its obstinacy in remaining there, and then referring to the little dab with an almost illegible name which is its representa- tive on the map. The idea whioh appears to be worrying the Com- poser throughout these geographical surveys seems to be, "Why does this place make so much of itself when it is so utterly insignifi- cant on the map?" So when we, the three of ns, first hear of these old nautical songs, we enthusiastically beg him to "give us them all," and hail with delight the mention of the "Saucy Arethusa" and the " Bay of Biscay" with two or three other equally well-known titles; and we are very naturally disappointed on discovering that the words invariably, and the tune occasionally, do not realise the, as I may term it, deferred expectations of a life-time. We had all of us heard of these national nautical airs from our boyhood up, and now well we are all very much obliged to the Composer, but, as Hail- sher politely puts it, "Isn't there another version of those songs?" Cdtlins doesn t think so, he replies, in a tone which leaves us to imply that he wishes us to understand that if this version is good enough for Aim we oughtn't to grumble, But we feel we have been taken in. The " Saucy Arethusa" for example, has this couplet, supposed to be heroio, as describing the strength of the enemy's orew, whioh the Saucy One was going to utterly rout and defeat:— "On deck five hundred men did dance, The stoutest they could get in France." Now isn't this a reflection on the gallantry of our former .Tack Tars, for what possible glory could there be in defeating and taking prisoners a crew consisting of five hundred dancing I rench Daniel Lamberts? Notoriously, when a Frenchman is stout he goes to twenty-two stone in a very short time, and if these were the stoutest they could get in France, i.e. the very pick of all the stoutest French- men in the whole nation,—the very fat of the land, so to speak,— what a helpless set they must have been, except for dancing, by way of exercise, just to keep it down a bit! and what accommoda- tion they must have had on board that French vessel! Fancy five hundred of the stoutest Frenchmen of that period, in five hundred hammocks! "And," observes the Dean, meditatively, " When they were in the rigging what easy targets they must have offered to our Marines!" He is evidently regretting that he was not born in time to be on board that rfaucy One with his rook-ritte and three hundred cartridges. Whether there is any law of copyright in Dibdin's or anybody else's music and words, which prevents a modern publication being exactly truthful, none of ns are aware, and the Composer is unable to inform us; but with this version which the Composer has got, and which, it occurs to us all at once—when by common tacit consent we give one another a rapid glance and suddenly drop the subject— may be his, Culuns's, own, we ore discontented: as when the tune is right as we popularly knew it, the words, after a familiar start with the old lines, go utterly wrong; or, when the words are correct, the tune deceives us, and it we attempt, which we do, in our first true British-tarrish ecstasy, to unite in chorus, we are sure to find ourselves differing from the music at a critical part of the air, when the accompaniment takes the Composer by surprise, who shouts "Hallo!" retraces his steps—we watching him with strained eyes, and with the right notes quivering on the tips of our tongues—and then says, as if to himself, "No—that's right," and finishes the tune according to the version before him, leaving us gasping with an unfinished chorus on our hands. There is one tune he plays which, up to a certain point, is so Ui [September 24, 1881. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. provokinelylike the "Say of Biscay," and. so irritatingly dissimilar afterwards, that the Dean, in sheer despair, throws himself back on a sofa and groans. Hailsher smiles dubiously at a soda-water bottle, as though he were revolving a problem as to how he could throw it at the Composer's head without infringing the ordinary rules of politeness, or chuck it in such a manner that Cullins should, on the whole, consider it rather as a.compliment than other- wise, and be, if possible, on terms of more enduring friendship with our courtly host than ever. Hailsher, however, adopts a far better method. Directly the nautical-impostor-ballad is finished, he at once tenders his (Hail- sher's) best thanks to the Composer for his performance—we allow him to be accepted as spokesman for our sentiments, which we keep to ourselves—and with the sweetest smile and the most deferen- tial manner that a pupil, sitting at the feet of a Master-Mind, could possibly assume, begs him to play "that little thing of his" (the Composer's) own, of which he (Hailsher) is so desperately fond, but the name of which at this moment, curiously enough, escapes his memory. On being asked by the Composer (who, of course, can't be expected to remember such a trifle out of the two thousand and any number of flashes of genius that are constantly occurring to him), "to give him some idea of how it went, how it began, or something like the motive," Hailsher is unable to dq more than make a subdued humming noise with his lips closed, which reminds me of a ventriloquist giving his well-known popular imitation of a bee in a bottle, and certainly does not assist his own recollection, as he gives up that method of recalling it to the Composer's mind, and substitutes a plan which, I believe, forms the basis of Mr. Stokes's celebrated artificial memory, of trying to associate the lost tune with an event, a name, a place, or a person. "Don't you remember," Hailsheh slowly begins, still with a deeply pained and puzzled expression of countenance, addressing the Com- poser, as if he were commencing the song of " Sweet Alice, Sen Solt." Don't you remember yoursinging it at Lady Scrumpsher's?" "What particular evening at the Scrumpshers P" asks the Composer, resolving chords with his left hand as he half turns towards Hatlsher, "because I go there so often"—which rudely seems to imply that his host doesn't,—not because he won't, but because he hasn't been asked. "I know you do," returns Hailsher, meekly, with the air of a man who reads the Court Circular regularly, and of course is well up in the movements of so distinguished a public character as the Com- poser. "I know you do," he repeats. "But I mean that night when Prince—dear me—Prinoe "—and again his memory fails him— "so annoying" "Oh—yes—yes "the Composer says, resolving another chord. "Yes," replies Hailsher, brightening up a little, and apparently as satisfied as if Cullins had mentioned the name— and Count the Austrian, you know" "Oh yes—old "and the name is lost in another chord, as the Composer turns full round to the piano again, and suddenly glides into a melodious warble, whioh in less than two seconds Hatlsher recognises with joy, and nods triumphantly to us—to me on one sofa, and to the Dean on another—as much as to say—" There, you see, I've caught him—he's at it—I've turned him on, and now you '11 hear something very much to your advantage." At all events we are all pleased that the Composer's private and peculiar version of celebrated nautical songs is shelved for the present, while Hail- sher lights a pipe, fills himself a glass of soda-and-brandy, politely and considerately stifling the pop in a corner, and. then appears absorbed in the performance, to which he had led up with sucn con- summate tact. It is a very good song, and very well sung—"Jolly companions, &c, &c."_ Once started, Cullins gives us more "where that came from,"—i.e., his own head. Thus passes one musical evening—there are others to come, duly noted in my log; and the Composer, having exhausted his good- nature with the effort, rises abruptly—Genius is often abrupt— [Happy Thought—"Write an Essay on the Peculiar Manners of Gemuses-^-specially Musical Geniuses J—declares " he won't play any more "—like a boy who fancies himself cheated or unfairly treated at some game—and is leaving the piano open, as much as to hint to us that ' we can go on if we like, and see what we make of it," with a sort of "apres moi le deluge'' sniff and toss of the head, when the Dean, who has been rousing himself gradually, and who has got into a sitting position reading what we thought up to now was an old number of the Pall Mall Gazette, but which turns out to be a piece of music, asks the Composer, in a very diffident manner, if he is acquainted with " My Fair One, my Fond One," words by _Oh yes," answered the Composer, "Why P" And then, in trying to imitate Hailsher's habitual politeness, which is unnatural to Cullins, he falls into the hopeless mistake of inquiring " if what the Dean has there is the song in question P" Of course it is. The Dean is up on his legs in an instant. So is Hailsher. So am I. The Composer—weak again—the momentary weakness of Genius— has placed it on the music-stand, and is actually trying it! Appa- rently, he rather likes it. It seems to suggest something else to him. (N.B., notice, generally, that everything "suggests something else" to a Composer.) But, at all events, one thing it does suggest is that he should ask the Dean, "Do you sing this ?" probably expecting the Dean to reply, "No; that he had only brought it for the Composer to try." But no such luck. Does the Dean sing it P Doesn't he, rather! Hasn't he got the Composer in his toils for once? Won't he now repay him tenfold for the Composer's rude remarks about his shoot- ing, or about his appetite, or about any other subject on which the Dean may happen to be a little tender? The Composer, temporarily subdued, sits down to accompany this song; and the Dean, opening his chest, begins the serenade in a voice that fetches the Invisible Captain out of his berth, that makes all hands rush up on deck, and utterly drowns the Composer's piano accompaniment. There are five verses, and he won't let the Com- poser off. He urges him on by raising disputes as to what the composer of the song exactly meant in the following verse—which thereupon he sings, and his victim is forced to follow him. Then be appeals to Cullins's cultivated taste and operatio ex- perience as to "how" the two lines in the next verse should be given—and Cullins, a bit flattered, but really struggling to get away, finds himself playing that too. And. having got so far, of course Cullins goes on to the end—then rising hurriedly, says "Yes —a very good song, but it hardly suits your voice" and dashes up the companion, when we fully expect to hear a wild, agonising shriek, a flop in the sea, and then a cry from the night-watch of "Man overboard! "—but it's all right, he is aft, wrapped in an ulster, silent, collapsed, and trying to revive himself with the sooth- ing pipe. Happy Thought.—Piping his bird's eye. There are other musical evenings on board the Amarintha, but this does not occur again. So I note it, for it is a memorable night in Loch Ryan—our last night here—for to-morrow we are actually away. "Par, far upon the sea, The good ship is bounding free," I sing to the Composer, quoting Henry Russell's popular old song, as we turn in. "' Bounding free,'" grumbles the Composer from his berth. "I hope it won't. There s a deuce of a breeze getting up outside. However it will be better than stopping here doing nothing, except . . . . But the Dean doesn't catch me again," he murmurs, as he turns over on his side with his face to the wall. When I say, lightly and pleasantly, "turn in," meaning thereby my getting into my berth, I convey an inadequate notion of the difficulty. Getting into a berth is putting yourself away on a shelf— like a standard work in a library, but the standard work has the ad- vantage of being carried up by somebody and carefullv deposited there. But the process of mounting into the best of berths is not easy. First I get on the sofa below and examine the bearings. I see two little brass fastenings. If these are undone won't the bedclothes all come out, or can I fasten them up when I 'm once in and remain in an unrumpled nest P After grave deliberation I decide against undoing the fastenings, and upon taking the extra three inches step up which this entails, in doing so I find, that while elevating my right leg,—putting, that is, my best leg foremost,—before giving myself, as it were, "a leg up," my left foot treads firmly on the border of my classio robe,—[Night Happy Thought.—"I am more an antique Roman "—in my undress.]—and my right leg, being quite uncon- scious of what the left leg is doing, gives a heave up on its own account, when cr-r-r-ack goes the drapery that Julius . Cj:sar might have worn without frightening Calphubnia. Happy Thought.—Classic and Shakspeare. "See what a rent the envious Casca made." _ I am the Casca—being envious of the Composer's slumbers. He is fast asleep. Not even the tearing of the classic robe has aroused him. He has fallen asleep as suddenly as people do on the stage, in a melodrama, when something awful s going to happen. Something awful has happened—something awfully uncomfortable at least to me—but I roll myself up in my berth, and then come my Night Thoughts.—Will he snore? He appears a little restless. Perhaps this is always the case with a Composer when he's composing himself to sleep. Shall I wake him up, and tell him P No—I '11 think :—We sail to-morrow—hooray!—glad when we 're off—queer sensation in the berth—"snug, pernicious snug," as somebody says in Nicholas Nickleby—the slightest motion—pleasant rather than otherwise—but shouldn't like to be always in harbour— or in a lake—wonder—wonder—if—ah—yes—I think I '11 wonder—if he snores . . . because if he snores ... I shall I am startled by a loud and angry voice:— "Hullo! Hi! Hang it, wake up! You do snore so confoundedly I can't get a wink of sleep!" It is the Composer addressing me!! England and France [inter alia).—Free Ports and free Clarets. "Open Docks whoever knooks!" Vivent Dtlke and Silk! *3T To CosBXSFoirDzirra- 'The Editor doet not hold hi:iiwt/boun/l It aeknotcUdpe, vetvrn, orprvtfor Cmtrt'ivliing. ttampeO. and d