Integration Two - 



Moreau Integration Two
11/16/2021

The Black and White but also the Grey

This first semester of Moreau has brought to light some serious questions and has helped
me to think about deeper things such as racism, faith, and friendships. Along with the natural
progression of the semester, this course has sparked self-exploration and introspection that has
shaped my outlook on life in college.

Throughout these last few months, some things have become more important, and some
things have decreased in value for me. The value of the relationships I’ve formed as well as the
ones I left back home have become more important. The time I can spend texting my siblings or
calling my mom has become something I cherish now that I can’t see them every day. I’ve
learned to make an effort to ask my brothers how their sports games went and check in on how
my sister is doing not simply out of a feeling of obligation, but because I genuinely want to talk
to them. Intentionally setting aside time to call friends from back home has been challenging but
worth it. Even though I’ve made so many amazing friends here, it is refreshing to catch up with
the select few who I know truly care about me and have known me for years. At the same time,
Emery Bergmann wrote, “You can’t clone your high school friends.” That week’s Moreau class
helped me to think about how my college friends are unique and how I value their friendship just
as much, if not more, than many of my high school friends. This doesn’t mean necessarily that
all of my friendships from back home have decreased in value (though some definitely have), but
that I have moved on to a new stage of life where college friendships often do take precedence. I
won’t stop investing time and energy into my old friends, but I have the opportunity to build
many new friendships while I am here, and that is a beautiful thing.

However, there is more to the people in college than just my friend group. As Palmer
wrote in his article, “The most common connotation of the word “community” in our culture is
“intimacy,” but this is a trap.” It’s been important for me to have the Gateway community in
general, especially with how tumultuous it has been this year with the housing crisis. I’ve felt
heard and understood by all of my classmates but also have really appreciated the support from
past Gateway cohorts. The community in general has been huge—I know that there are people
who I don’t even know who care about me, and that’s something that I hope to be for younger
students as well.

Another thing that has gained importance is the alone time I get to have. I’ve come to
cherish the moments alone in my dorm, or time listening to music while on the “holy hike.”
These times let me process my emotions clearly and help me to recharge, since otherwise I’m
around friends and peers almost constantly. Throughout this semester, I’ve learned to be okay
with taking time for myself to relax and watch a show on Netflix, even if I fear missing out on
what others are doing. I’ve learned the importance of setting aside this time to take care of
myself so that I can maintain my mental health, stay organized, reduce stress, and relax.

During my time here at college, some things have transitioned from “black and white” to
more grey—nuanced, complicated, and confusing. One thing that sticks out to me is my
relationships with guys. Throughout high school, I never had male friends, so it has been a
learning experience for me in college where I have a plethora of guy friends. I’m constantly
making sure that I’m not sending off the wrong signals or doing anything that might cause



issues. Additionally, I ended up dating a guy from Holy Cross for about a month, but things
ended abruptly. However, we are still in the same friend group and neither of us wanted to cause
any divisions or unnecessary drama. It has become a large grey area in my life as I try to figure
out how to act and navigate this odd situation—especially in a small environment like Holy
Cross, where it is virtually impossible to avoid anyone. While my relationship with him used to
be black and white before we were friends, things changed quickly once we got to know each
other and started dating. Then, after we broke up, the grey area has become more pronounced,
just in a different way. However, just as Kirsten Hegelson said in the video about the art of
Kinstugi, “There is beauty in brokenness.” I’ve come to embrace the emotions I’ve felt and the
interactions I’ve had to navigate as a learning experience that has made me grow as a person and
taught me more about what I want and need in a future partner. This break has made me stronger
and more beautiful in the end, just like the Kinstugi Hegelson makes.

On the other hand, my faith is something that was previously more ambiguous and vague
but that now holds more clarity. In the Screwtape Letters, a line that struck me is “Now it may
surprise you to learn that in His efforts to get permanent possession of a soul, He relies on the
troughs even more than on the peaks.” Through all of the struggles I’ve faced throughout this
semester, I’ve been able to rely on God to get me through it. My faith has grown because I’ve
had to make it my own, without the structure I had relied on at home. I used to be expected to go
to both church and youth group at home, but now that I am at college, I have to make more of an
effort. I’ve had to build my own schedule and prioritize church because it won’t just come
naturally anymore. Thanks to this, I’ve realized how much my relationship with Jesus really
matters to me and how much I need it in this life.

Throughout the course of this first semester of college, I’ve definitely grown, learned,
and changed a lot. While some things have grown more clear to me, others have become more
confusing or challenging. Thankfully, that is perfectly natural and is a learning experience in and
of itself. College is an amazing experience to prepare us for the transition from life at home to
life in the real world, and a big part of that is figuring out who we are, what we believe, and what
we want out of life. To do that, we must be okay with changing our perspectives on things,
people, and experiences, just as I am doing right in this moment.

References
(“Advice from a Formerly Lonely College Student” by Emery Bergmann - Moreau FYE Week
Nine)
(“Women Find Healing Through Kinstugi Workshop” by Grotto Network - Moreau FYE Week
Ten)
(“Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community” by Parker J. Palmer - Moreau FYE Week Eleven)
(The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis - Moreau FYE Week Twelve)

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/09/well/family/advice-from-a-formerly-lonely-college-student.html
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGJLJEqD8gg
http://couragerenewal.org/parker/writings/13-ways-of-looking-at-community/