Moreau Integration Two
3 December 2021


Big Growth in Small Time

	I’ve had a lot of personal development in a short time, and I attribute some of that growth to my experiences in Moreau. In the time I’ve spent reading and reflecting on the themes Moreau introduced each week, I became aware of how far I’ve come, whether starting from the beginning of college or at other times in my life. One of the questions that came up for me again while engaging with Moreau was, ‘what makes a good leader?’
	When I was applying to college I reflected on many of my leadership experiences as part of putting together my application. That process included getting feedback from some of my teachers and mentors about their perspective on my leadership, like when I served as drum major in my school marching band. When it came to discussing leadership this year in Moreau, there was a quote that stood out to me from Parker J. Palmer’s essay on community. He wrote that “Leadership for community requires authority, a form of power that is freely granted to the leader by his or her followers. Authority is granted to people who are perceived as authentic, as authoring their own words and actions rather than proceeding according to some organizational script” and this quote resonated with my experiences with leadership (“Thirteen Ways of Looking At Community” by Parker J. Palmer - Moreau FYE Week Eleven). Whether it was as a leader myself, or my experience with leadership as part of an organization, when authority was not freely granted by the followers in the community, the organization failed to function as designed. I have had a positive experience with leadership in the band while at Notre Dame, because the students who lead us are capable, and most importantly, are given authority by the band members and directors. We just recently held auditions for the new drum majors, and the band was a large part of the decision making process. We dedicated an entire rehearsal to practicing with and evaluating the candidates and every member was given a vote in who they thought should be elected. The granting of authority from the community is one of the aspects of a good leader that I think is easily overlooked.
As a result of coming to Notre Dame, I now have placed an increased importance on caring for myself. While everyone has basic needs they expend some focus on, now that I am living independent of my parents, I’ve discovered areas where I need to exercise care that my parents used to take care of for me. I think this is a continuation of a gradual increase that I’ve been experiencing since the onset of my chronic health issues, which forced me to focus much more on myself and my physical well being than I had before. I tend to be someone that spends more of my energy and time on the needs of others, and neglect my own needs. As Fr. James B. King articulates, “adversity does, or at least can, make people stronger and prepare them for harder challenges in the future” which has absolutely been my experience with my chronic pain, especially since it is still undiagnosed (“Hope - Holy Cross and the Catholic Education” by Fr. James B. King, C.S.C. - Moreau FYE Week Twelve). Through this class and the focus on personal development and reflection, I’ve been able to take time to sit with myself and focus on my needs and beliefs.
	Something that I’ve also discovered in this first semester at Notre Dame is a new challenge to my belief, or more accurately, lack of belief, in God. This came not from a theology class, but from my philosophy class. In metaphysics and epistemology, we were discussing arguments for and against a belief in God, and I came across an argument that was significantly convincing in arguing that the universe was likely designed by an intelligent creator. It didn’t go so far as to prove to me the existence of the God described by the Catholic Church, which was the faith tradition I was raised in, but it did make me question whether or not the universe was designed. In Fr. Jenkins’ address to the graduating class of seminarians in 2012, he described that “we in this country are in the midst of a social crisis, a harsh and deepening split between groups that are all too ready to see evil in each other. Each side has never been more eager yet more unable to dominate the other. Both sides call for change, but each believes it’s the other side that must change” (“Wesley Theological Seminary 2012 Commencement Address” by Fr. John Jenkins, C.S.C. - Moreau FYE Week Ten). In philosophy class, I found a much better way to examine beliefs than the deep split that often exists between the religious and non-religious. Both are often very firm to their convictions, and I would find that arguments made in support of their viewpoint don’t really address the concerns that the other side has. However, in philosophy the arguments presented all got to the heart of the issue when it comes to faith, and I stumbled into a more complicated view of the universe that I’m still figuring out.
	On the other hand, I’ve discovered clarity in another part of my life, relating to my career choices and what I feel called to do. When I began looking for a place to go to college, one of my requirements was that it was a university, with enough variety in majors that I could have different options to choose from and discern what career path I want. Midway through my senior year, I settled on theatre as my chosen major, a tentative choice that I wasn’t sure of yet. I love both theatre and film, and I hope to be a director of either medium (or both) as my career. Part of the reason I chose Notre Dame was because of the opportunity to take both film and theatre classes in the same major. I entered Notre Dame as an FTT major, and now at the end of the semester I feel confident that this is the place for me to be. I took film classes in high school, and was successful, including placing in an international film contest, but suffered from imposter syndrome around my skill and success in film. As Elizabeth Cox describes, “people who are highly skilled or accomplished tend to think others are just as skilled. This can spiral into feelings that they don’t deserve accolades and opportunities over other people” and that has been my experience with my accomplishments for almost as long as I can remember (“What is Impostor Syndrome?” by Elizabeth Cox - Moreau FYE Week Nine). It’s been something I’ve been trying to work on for a long time, but I finally experienced some results with it when I got to Notre Dame. I received feedback from professors about my work and my insights that encouraged me to feel proud and like I belonged in this field. That it wasn’t just luck, or a result of my small class that I was achieving; that I actually have skill. I have much less frequent feelings of imposterism now, especially related to my skill in film and theatre.
	Overall, I feel fortunate to have had this class and the opportunity to engage in so much personal development in such a short period of time. I’ve found more confidence in myself and also areas for new discovery. I look forward to more growth in the next semester and beyond.