Looking Back and Moving Forward Integration 2 Looking Back and Moving Forward What have I encountered and how will I respond? Wow! What a big question to ask. I have encountered a dizzying array of events since starting college in August. I guess I respond di�erently in each situation. Most of my strategies and focuses in high school and in my hometown have now shifted or blurred since coming to school. I cannot tell if that is a good thing or not. I hope it is for the good, but I guess only time will tell. Can the people around me see how I am changing and growing or is it all in my head? I had a great time being home over Thanksgiving Break. Laughing at movies, telling stories at dinner, and playing games outside with my family was ine�able. Five days felt so short, and I enjoyed feeling like a kid again; like I was not in charge of every aspect of my life and like I had the time to let go and have fun. But it is not the same: I eat what I want, when I want; I set my own curfew; I hang out with my friends at all hours of the day; I choose how I spend my time. Finding that balance at home and since coming back after break has been di�cult. My mom thinks she can see a change in me that she does not like. That supposed change is the same thing my friends at college praise me for. Now I seem to feel uncomfortable sometimes both at home and at school, because I cannot figure out how I feel about the person I am. As I sit here writing this paper, I am with my friends and yet I feel out of place. I wonder the same thing Elizabeth Cox does: “Why can’t so many of us shake feelings that our ideas and skills aren’t worth others’ attention?”1 I guess I also wonder whether imposter syndrome can be solved by spending time and reaching out with the people closest to me, or if I need to spend some time reflecting by myself? I think I am scared to spend time reflecting on myself because I already know that my problem is opening up and being vulnerable with the people closest to me. I love when my friends and family are vulnerable with me, and I always try to make them feel comfortable and supported with their feelings. Despite feeling comfortable in these vulnerable situations, I resist being vulnerable with the people close to me. I guess that is where my brokenness exists: the gap between being in vulnerable situations and being vulnerable. I logically know that being vulnerable and sharing my 1 “What is Imposter Syndrome” by Elizabeth Cox - Moreau FYE Week Nine https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQUxL4Jm1Lo emotions and inner thoughts is healthy for myself and enriching for the relationships I want to foster. However, I have spent too much time investing myself in some relationships and with some people that were not worth it, to commit to being vulnerable after knowing these college friends for less than four months. I am a big believer in “mind over matter” and I personally prefer to take care of others instead of having others take care of me. I hope that “the things [I’ve] experienced — the good, the bad, the ugly”2 are things I can grow forward from. I want to work on being vulnerable with the people I care about, but I just think it is just going to take some time. Parker J. Palmer claims that “hard experiences [are] not the death knell of community: they are the gateway into the real thing.” 3 Like I mentioned earlier, I think he might be right. I think the biggest thing I learned from COVID is the importance of having real experiences and connecting with amazing people. Though I had a great time during COVID making memories with my family, the memories I have made here at college so far are like no other. I believe that we are the beginning of the next “Roaring ‘20s.” Our generation is tired of sitting around and getting lost online; we want to go out into the world and live. This Gateway community is my “gateway to the real thing.” I know that these people are the ones I want to have next to me for the next four years and the next few decades after that. I have great friends at home, but few are like the amazing people I have met here. I have seen them fall and get back up and grow and ask for help and cry and laugh and so much more. I want to make sure that they see me do the same. I am not used to sharing my none happy and positive experiences with other people, but I think that my community here will hold me and help me with the many things I go through. This Catholic community is full of genuine, honest, kind people. We hold ourselves to high standards morally. We work hard to fight o� demons that “tempt and destroy human [values].”4 Sometimes, I wonder if I fall short of the person I want to be. Most of the time, God is the only one who sees it and the only one who knows. I had an experience a couple weeks back, that up until coming to college, I did not know was considered bad in the eyes of the Catholic church. Though I do not want to repeat my actions, I am struggling with how to feel about myself and my faith. However, I have hope that my community can help me heal and find my way as I create my opinions 4 “A Brief Introduction to the Screwtape Letters” by C.S. Lewis - Moreau FYE Week Twelve 3 “Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community” by Parker J. Palmer - Moreau FYE Week Eleven 2 “Women Finding Healing Through Kintsugi Workshop” by Kirsten Helgeson - Moreau FYE Week Ten https://canvas.nd.edu/courses/28124/files/192751?module_item_id=109544 http://couragerenewal.org/parker/writings/13-ways-of-looking-at-community/ https://grottonetwork.com/make-an-impact/heal/find-healing-through-kintsugi-art/ and learn to balance between my faith, my feelings, my experiences, and myself. I am excited to move forward into the new year with a deeper understanding of myself and the way I approach and respond to the experiences I encounter. I think I can grow in many ways that will make me proud of myself.