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HERMIT IN PHILADELPHIA.
Joseph Perot
725
THE
CONTAINING SOME ACCOUNT OF
SECOND SERIES..
YOUNG BELLES AND COQUETTES; ELEGANTES AND
SPOILED CHILDREN; DANDIES AND RUFFIANS; OLD
MAIDS AND OLD BACHELORS; dandy SLANG AND LA-
DY-SLANG; MORNING VISITS AND EVENING PARTIES;
DRESS AND ORNAMENTS; FEMALE SLANDERERS AND
MALE EXQUISITES; LONG BRANCH LETTERS AND
PRICES CURRENT; LOTTERIES AND QUACKS; BIL-
LIARDS AND PHARO; GAMBLING AND SPORTING;
ELECTIONS AND AMUSEMENTS; THEATRICALS AND
HORSE RACING; WIFE SELLING AND BETTING; BOX-
ING AND COCKING; DOG FIGHTING AND BULL BAIT-
ING, &c. &c. &c.
66
You speak o' the people, as if you were a God to punish,
not a man of their infirmity!
Coriolanus.
You think this cruel?--take it for a rule,
No creature smarts so little as a fool.
<6
Se
BY PETER ATALL, ESQ
Robb Waln
EDITOR OF THE HERMIT IN AMERICA," AND AUTHOR
દ
OF AMERICAN BARDS" AND SISYPHI OPUS OR
TOUCHES AT THE TIMES.
·
99
Pope.
викресть
PHILADELPHIA:
PUBLISHED FOR THE AUTHOR BY J. MAXWELL AND MOSES THOMAS,
AND BY HALEY AND THOMAS, NEW YORK.
1821.


THE NEW YORK
PUBLIC LIBRARY
:
168380
ASTOR, LENOX AND
TILDEN FOUNDATIONS,
1000.
*372AU7 /A YAM VN 14.
IRT
1
VRASSLI


CONTENTS.
Preface.
CHAPTER, 1.
Coquettes,
Dandy Slang,
2.
3. Female Slanderers,
4. Fashionable Conversation,
5. Philadelphia Amusements,
Spoiled Children,
Elections
6.
7.
8. Lotteries and Quacks,
9. Letters from Long Branch,
10. Foreign Follies,
Page.
7
20
32
47
63
83
98
112
127
146


1
1


PREFACE.
My venerable friend, the Hermit of Gui-
ana, has not yet returned from the arctic
expedition in which he so rashly engaged,
nor have the English discovery ships thrown
any light upon the subject. It is a reason-
able conclusion, that he has succeeded in
reaching the entrance of an interior world,
at the North Pole, and been prevented, by
the reclosing of the passage, from return-
ing to that in which he was born.
In memory of him who may at this mo-
ment be in another world, without death or
decay, I have arranged a portion of exten-
sive notes taken at various periods, and of-
fer them to the public, under the title of
the Hermit in Philadelphia;-promising-
should the path thus marked out by my old
friend, be adorned with the flowers of be-
nevolence, and smoothened by the kind-
ness of encouragement,-to pursue it so
B


vi
PREFACE.
long as it may afford a moment of amuse-
ment, or a mite of instruction.
If it can cheat from the heart of sorrow
one pang of its misery, or beguile the hours
of sickness with one moment of forgetful-
ness,- -but, above all, if it can point out
to youth, the follies and seductions of
fashion, it will afford a full recompense to
the labours of the author, and a soothing
reward to his heart.
PETER ATALL.


THE HERMIT IN PHILADELPHIA.
CHAPTER I.
COQUETTES.
O! that deceit should dwell in such a gorgeous palace!
Shakespeare.
Away,-away,-you're all the same;
A flattering, smiling, jilting throng!
Oh! by my soul, I burn with shame
To think I've been you're slave so long! Moore.
THERE is not a being in society, however
destitute may be his condition, who does
not, at some period of his life, look forward,
with anticipated delight, to the enjoyments
of matrimony;-and I do not admire the
cold heart, that in its progress towards ma-
turity, has never felt the pangs and the en-
dearments of love. Bachelors are never
formed by nature: if we could penetrate the


8
COQUETTES.
secret annals of those solitary men, and lay
open the various causes that have influen-
ced their destiny, a black catalogue of fe-
male heartlessness and depravity would
stand forth in their vindication. We
e are
indebted to the female sex alone, for the
great body of bachelors, although individu-
al character, depressed circumstances, and
cold blooded temperament have all had a
similar effect, in a more limited degree.
When the young blood flows in our veins,
like the spring-tides from the mountains,
every drop is impregnated with the nectared
succulence of love:-woman is the fairy
form that delights and brightens the visions
of our youth; we feel that
--
'The world was sad-the garden was a wild,
And man the herinit mourned till woman smiled;'
we gaze upon her as upon a superior
being; we honour her as the last, best gift
of God's creation-we love her as the guar-
dian of our childhood,—the fountain of our
hopes, the day-spring of our happiness,—
the solace of our misfortunes. She is the
guiding-star that brightens the gloomy vis-
ta of life; our hearts would sicken without
the balm of her affection, and our veins beat


COQUETTES.
9
feebly without the impulse of her love.
Without her, sickness would assume new
horrors, and sorrow clothe itself in new tor-
ments; happiness would live only in the
grave; and the joys of this world be but the
anticipations of a better. We look towards
her as to a blessed asylum planted by heaven
in the wilderness of the world, to which we
may flee in the days of our affliction.
Such is woman adorned with the loveli-
ness of her purity;-such are our early as-
sociations, when the mind slumbers in con-
fidence, free from the canker of suspicion,
and resting in the bliss of its ignorance: too
noble to raise the veil that covers her de-
formity, the day-dreams of our happiness
are not shrouded by the horrors of its re-
ality.
But-in an evil hour-that veil must be
withdrawn, and lo! Coquetry springs forth
clothed in a bright garment, glittering with
tinsel; honey hangs on her pouting lip,-
wormwood and gall rankle in her heart; her
step is soft and light as that of Flora wooing
Zephyr o'er the enamelled lawn; her eyes
are brightened with the seducing fires of
love, or clouded in languishing fondness;
the brilliancy of the rose spreads its tempt-
B 2


10
COQUETTES.
ing lure on her dimpled cheek, or it is tin-
ged with the soft shades of affected sensibi-
lity. She bears in her white hand a slen-
der net, woven from stratagems and in-
trigues;-casting it among a swarm of de-
luded worshippers, they fall prostrate at her
feet, overwhelmed with madness, slavery
and despair!*
When the veil is thus removed, is it won-
derful that the soul of man is palsied by the
contemplation of her deformity?—that the
fountains of affection no longer flow, and
the fires of love are quenched forever?
Coquetry is the formation of Célibataires:
in many hearts, the feelings that flow in
unison with love, like the blood of our veins,
are paralysed by one atom of pollution, and
no stimulant-however active-can ap-
ply warmth to their inactivity. To learn
to hate, we must first learn to love; the
chords of our affections must be expanded
in bliss, and snapped in the perfection of its
enjoyment. When the flowers of love are
trodden down, they wither in hopeless pu-
trefaction; blighted in their bloom, their fra-
grance ripens not into maturity; no seed
* Altered from the French.


COQUETTES.
11
falls to the ground, and gives life and ani-
mation to the germe of expectancy. The
temple of our hopes crumbles into dust, and
the ruin of its altar is the companion of its
violation.
When the feelings of man are thus agi-
tated, they too often subside in invincible
hatred towards the objects that proved the
creation and destruction of his happiness:
he looks upon the whole sex as agents of
desolation, and abandons the heartlessness
of their affections for a life of solitary de-
privation.
Celibacy in a man, therefore, proceeds
in a great degree from the depravity of the
other sex; and that depravity principally
arises from Coquetry, a crime lightly esti-
mated in fashionable life, but pregnant with
evils and corruption. I will not proceed so
far as a worthy old bachelor, who,-tracing
almost every worldly evil to the wiles and
influence of Coquetry,-positively declares
that it has done more than fire, famine, or
the sword, to retard the progress of civiliza-
tion, by restricting that of population!—but
I conscientiously believe, that light and tri-
fling as it may appear amid the glare of a
ball-room, and the fascinations of fashion, its


12
COQUETTES.
destroying influence has overstep'd the boun-
daries of this world, and condemned its vic-
tims to the torments of eternity. Often has
the malefactor in his cell, traced the germe
of his destruction to the soulless blandish-
inents of woman;-
-often has the crimi-
nal on the scaffold, mourned over the mad-
dening artifices that gave the first impulse
to his guilt; and often has the victim of
intemperance, in the horrid moments of
self-possession, cursed the overwhelming
deceit that drove him into guilty forgetful-
ness.
Miss Heartstone ranks among the num-
ber of my acquaintance, and some twenty
years ago, was the most beautiful belle, and
most determined Coquette in Philadelphia.
Two score years have revel'd on her charms,
and the frost of as many winters has nip-
ped the bloom of her beauty. She antici-
pated the common course of nature, and be-
came-in effect,-an old maid at five and
twenty. Gifted with talents to command,
and beauty to allure, she passed the youth-
ful years of her seclusion in acquiring the
embellishments of art; her best days were
consumed in giving to her natural charms
a pliancy and polish to dazzle and destroy.


COQUETTES.
13
:
The induration of her heart kept pace with
the embellishment of her person;-every
smile studied before her mirror, every at-
titude practised on her ottoman, gave new
hardness to that moral petrefaction.
At length she burst forth like a new light
upon the world of fashion; the moment of
triumph came that was to repay whole years
of labour; the stream of fashionable pilgrim-
age flowed to her feet, and crowds of wor-
shippers flocked to the shrine. They found
'more bitter than death the woman, whose
heart is snares and nets, and her hands as
bands.' Universal encouragement begot
numberless admirers, who gave vigour to
her vanity, and incitement to her pride: the
fires of ambition gained new force by the
universality of success, and every new vic-
tim gave a correspondent momentum to her
agaceries.
Many fell at her feet,-vowed eternal at-
tachment,-were positively rejected,-and
never troubled themselves more about the
matter. Others were transformed into pup-
pets, of which she guided the wires, and
threw them into the most ludicrous or awk-
ward shapes, according to her caprice: she
rejected their protestations with affected


14
COQUETTES.
sensibility, and encouraged their renewal
with the sweetest smiles;-she paralysed
them with the frowns of her displeasure, and
elevated them with the artful glances of be-
nignity. Others pursued a manly course of
conduct, and conscious of the rectitude of
their own minds, confided securely on the
honour and virtue of their mistress: they
were discarded and became-bachelors.
Four times was Miss Heartstone induced,
by the depravity of her disposition, to sur-
render her counterfeit affections to the im-
portunity of her lovers, and four times did
she burden her own soul with the guilt of
their destruction. I knew Mr. Trustall
well. He was a young man, to whom edu-
cation had given a noble mind, and nature,
a manly person. An affectionate son,-a
kind brother,—a steadfast friend,—a boon
companion, and an upright man, he wor-
shipped Miss Heartstone with all the energies
of a justifiable idolatry. The day of union
was appointed, and he looked towards it as to
the hallowed epoch of his happiness;-it
never dawned for him. The night previous
to that long-wished for day, a projected re-
volution took place in the affections of Miss
Heartstone, and Trustall was discarded: rea-


COQUETTES.
15
▬▬▬▬▬
son resisted the shock in vain, and the fren-
zied lover rushed into eternity. The tor-
ments of the suicide,-the curses of the mo-
ther, the despair of the father, the agony
of a desolated family,-rest upon the Co-
quette!
Of the remaining accepted lovers, all
formed to adorn the brightest circle of so-
ciety, one abandoned the sorrowful scene of
his despair to become a wanderer on the
face of the earth, and the others plunged
headlong into the vortex of dissipation to
drown the pangs of disappointment in the
debauchery of despair. Their follies,-
their miseries,--and their crimes,—rest upon
the Coquette!
-
There are few passions more ungoverna-
ble than love, and none more ridiculous:
however afflicting may have been our own
experience, we are always disposed to ridi-
cule a fellow-sufferer, and, forgetting the
extent of our own feelings, despise the un-
manly excess to which he may be driven.
How formidable a weapon, then, is this
passion in the hands of an unprincipled
Coquette!-for, where there is Coquetry
there is no good principle: a virtuous Co-
quette is a contradiction in terms. By its


16
COQUETTES.
agency, she not only destroys happiness, but
confers contempt; she not only sports with
the best feelings, but throws them open to
the ridicule of the world.
But the fate of Coquettes is as fixed as
their crimes; there is an ebb and flow in
the opinion of the world that cannot be re-
sisted, and Miss Heartstone found herself
gradually gliding towards the ocean of insig-
nificance. The death of Trustall comple-
ted her downfall, and she found herself alone
in the meridian of life: hated by the envi-
ous,---pitied by the good,--laughed at by
the thoughtless, and despised by all,----her
only refuge was obscurity, her only compa-
nion, unavailing remorse.
Such are the consequences of a crime,
now comprehended among the accomplish-
ments of the fashionable world, and--if my
young friend Dashall is worthy of belief,-
absolutely reduced to fixed rules and prin-
ciples!
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
There are particular allurements, accor-
ding to this authority, adapted to the vari-
ous habits and temperaments of the sub-
jects to be operated upon. If it is a timid,
bashful youth who requires a large share of
encouragement, he is assailed with the smile-


COQUETTES.
17
direct, the tip-of-the-fan-positive, and the
squeeze-of-the-hand-absolute:-but, if it is a
forward, self-important "Ruffian" he is co-
erced with the answer-laconic, the shake of
the head doubtful, and the frown emphati-
cal!
Not less system is developed in the grand
act of enticing a new dangler: the Coquette
then throws her beautiful form into the fa-
vourite position, assumes a most interesting
melancholy, and clouds her pretty face in a
languor la plus touchante. Having reclined
long enough to attract the attention of the
new gudgeon, she begins to throw out the
bait: a pretty, neat, little foot and ankle peep
out from beneath furbelows and flounces;-
a white kid glove is drawn off to display a
perfect arm of polished ivory;-a riband is
loosened, and the most enchanting curls fall
in profusion over her snow-white bosom.
She contrives continually to meet his eye,
as it were by accident, and her own are as
often cast down in modest confusion, while
her lovely cheeks are suffused with blushes.
These stolen glances generally prove suc-
cessful, but in case of failure, new schemes
are adopted. The belle springs from the
couch, assumes an air of the most lively
C


18
COQUETTES.
animation; decks her features in fascinating
smiles, chatters with every body, laughs at
nothing, trips gayly across the room, and
drops her glove en passant at the foot of the
hero! Such a ruse-de-guerre is usually de-
cisive; but if the seducing smile that accom-
panies the "Positively, sir, I am afflicted to
trouble you," is only answered by a cold
bow, the case begins to wear a very alarm-
ing appearance. The Harp, or the Piano,
is the next resort, and if the pointed looks,
that accompany the languishing expressions
of an Italian canzonetta amorosa, produce
no effect, the attempt is considered abso-
lutely desperate, without the vulgar and mor-
tifying alternative of a common, formal, un-
solicited introduction: some obliging friend
furnishes the means, and once in actual
contact, the new cicisbeo speedily becomes
a slave.
But the great desideratum among Co-
quettes is to alienate the affections of gen-
tlemen contracted in marriage, particularly
if the objects of their choice be affected
prudes; or, in other words, modest and
unassuming in their manners. Every al-
lurement that can possibly pass through the
lenient ordeal of fashionable opinion is cal-


COQUETTES.
19
led into action, and every minor considera-
tion swallowed up in the primary object of
success: if crowned with conquest, nothing
can exceed the delight and exultation with
which they look down upon the beings,
whose hearts they have rendered desolate.
The sorrows of the subject impart a me-
lancholy hue to my feelings, that can only
be obliterated by the contemplation of wo-
man in her purity. Yes! I must pay them
the tribute of this truth,-that they are
the soul of all social enjoyment, and that
every thing languishes beyond the sphere
of their delightful influence.*
*
But, to the mother, and to the father,
and to the poor deluded child, let it be a
solemn consideration, that whosoever blasts
the happiness of her fellow creatures, shall
not only suffer punishment in this life, but
in that which is to come. Wo to thee
that spoilest, and thou wast not spoiled;
and dealest treacherously, and they dealt not
treacherously with thee! When thou shalt
cease to spoil, thou shalt be spoiled; and:
when thou shalt make an end to deal trea-
cherously, they shall deal treacherously
with thee!'+
*Van Braam.
Isaiah, Chap. 23, V. 1.


CHAPTER II.
DANDY-SLANG.
Here are a few of the unpleasantest words that ever
blotted paper.
Shakspeare.
Fops may have leave to level all they can,
As pigmies would be glad to top a man. Dryden.
THE game of billiards is an innocent and
healthful recreation, invented by the French,
and popular throughout all parts of the
world where Americans or Europeans have
become domesticated; in Canton, we even
find Chinese players and markers. It re-
quires a cool temperament and a steady
hand, which are, perhaps, sufficient reasons
to prevent general excellence. As success
is little dependent upon chance, it bears a
character infinitely more respectable than
the more common---because more conve-
nient---games of dice and cards: the same
power to defraud does not exist, because


DANDY-SLANG.
21
every player knows the strength of his own
game, and can easily discover that of his an-
tagonist; there is no dependence upon ha-
zard, by which good fortune may place the
inexperienced on a footing with the more
expert. In some of our sister-states, this
amusing pastime is regularly licensed, but
in this virtuous city it is placed beyond the
pale of the law: nothing can more strongly
mark the folly and inutility of such a prohi-
bition, than the great numbers which exist,
unofficially but not unknown.
The main objection is the danger of
leading young men into habits of idleness,
drunkenness, and gambling, and if no other
existed, it is conscientiously sufficient to
warrant a relative prohibition. But distinc-
tions should be made, by which the inno-
cent might escape the destruction of the
guilty. There are many rooms into which
boys are never admitted, although others
could be pointed out, crowded with children,
who seem to have stepped from the nurse-
ry into the billiard room. Merchant's clerk's,
school-boys, and apprentices abandon their
own duties, and the interests of their mas-
ters, to loiter and gamble away their youth
among sharpers and billiard-markers:----
-
c 2


22
DANDY-SLANG.
puffing tobacco, sipping toddy, and playing
pool, when they should be casting up ac-
counts, solving problems, or making shoes!
These tables ought to be suppressed.
Among the records of thirty years ago,
we find, in a periodical publication, a sati-
rical attack in commendation of the virtues
of a billiard table, characterised as 'a new
refinement' in the 'manners of our city."
"There is something,' says the moralist,
in it, peculiarly adapted to the happy po-
litical constitution of the state. It reduces
all to a public level. The sot, merchant,
cobbler, captain, blacksmith, spruce gallant,
pick-pocket and jockey, are all hail fellow
well met, and agreeable to the true spirit
of republicanism, merit is the only true cri-
terion of eminence.' This description is
adapted, without alteration, to many rooms
now existing in this city.
My cousin, Tom Dashall, volunteered
his services as a guide to the most fashion-
able rooms, where there are no low tables
expressly adapted for children, none being
admitted excepting those who are full-grown.
It is my favourite amusement, and I felt
some curiosity to observe the manners of
the company, which--he took care to in-


DANDY-SLANG.
23
form me--consisted entirely of 'regular
built kiddies.' Tom is one of the fraterni-
ty, a little addicted to the bottle, more to the
slang, and, according to his vocabulary,
' up to any thing.'
6
C
I warrant the bang-ups have crooked
their elbows' quoth Tom, as we walked down
Chesnut Street, about eight o'clock in the
evening; all been in for a dinner-party;
blue as razors no doubt;-drunk as wheel-
barrows,-fuddled,-and corned.'
6
I knew Tom to be, in some respects, a
temperate bang-up: this specimen of ver-
bal moderation was therefore well calcula-
ted to increase my desire of hearing the
dialect of the ultra-fashionables.
We arrived: the rooms were crowded
with gentlemen, but a great proportion of
the company appeared to be connected.
My companion was joyfully saluted:
C
Tom my old boy, tip us your daddle.'
'Tom, my old crabby, give us a shake.'
Tom, my old hearty, hand us your paw.'
"Tom, my old cock, lend us your finger.'
'What the devil's the matter, Tom?
look pale about the gills;-under the hatches,
ch?'
you
'No, Jack;-regular as a book.'


24
DANDY-SLANG.
'What say you to a whet, Dashall?----a
little cup of the creetur?-some of the doc-
tor?-a stiff flip?----Come, don't sham
Abram;----down with the heel-tap.'
I was now formally introduced-one of
the party handed me a chair.
6
--
Come, Sir;----bring yourself to an an-
chor;----all free and easy here;----been out
to dine; a little blue;-regular blow-out;-
head-ache in the morning;-no harm to
cogue a few.'
My attention was soon attracted by the
voices of the players.
-
'I'll take my bible-oath that was a fair car-
rom;-Hole the white'- Beat all hollow'
"Cut the light red fine in the side, carrom on the
white, and make five in the corner'—'D—n me,
that stroke went against the grain'-' Always
under the land, by Saint Patrick'→ Look
out for your apple-cart-Up a slim pine,
by Jupiter-Up a gum-tree, by Jove'--
'Lord! just saved my bacon' Jumped out
of the pocket, by heavens'- Boh! that's my
eye, Betty Martin'- An elegant six'---- AÏl
luck, by old Harry'---- I boned you there, my
boy' You stand no more chance than a cat
in-
without claws'----Dead hazard'----
6
6
'Mark up nine' Now you walk the
---
-


DANDY-SLANG.
25
"
chalk Follow up the deep red'---- Beau-
tiful stroke'---- Common as a barber's-chair,
or a turnpike-gate'-'The jig's up'--' Ha!
you burnt your fingers' Overboard! by
Moses' Now you may go to grass'-
'Walk in and see the bear dance'-' Come,
my cock of the walk, play on Cock par-
ticular stroke, I should say--- Don't' claw
off, Bill'---'That's a cooler'-'Don't crow
yet'-'That's a damper Lord! what a
scratch' It's all Dickey with you'
That's the dandy'-'I'm dish'd,-done-up'
-Any man that holes such a ball, would
rob a church! You want more elbow
grease-Lord! how he nicks'em'- 'I hav'nt
got the gage'-' James Price, what a stroke'
Gingerly there to work'-' O!
you hav'nt
caught a gudgeon;-I'm no flat Sharp's
the word' Very like a whale'—' Poh!
you've no gumption' Bear a hand'-'It's
time to hop the twig; I'll draw in my horns'
"
-
C
I caught you napping- Beat you be-
fore you can say Jack Robinson; done up
in a jiffy'-' Here's a pretty kettle of fish!"'—
'What a swinger! Now you're keel-haul-
ed' Come, knock under-Take care
you don't change your note'--' In for the
plate, by all that's lovely'-'Blast it! I must
1661
—
-
----
————


26
DANDY-SLANG.
rub up' You've caught a Tartar-
Game, by Jupiter;-never play with old
stagers-down with the Spanish--down
with the derbies-down with the dust-
rouse out your gelt---out with your goldfin-
ches--out with the shiners--out with the
chink;---Lord! how I fleece young pigeons.'
The loser ripped out a volley, deposited
his stakes, and with a very genteel oath,
swore he had the snuffles,-could'nt play
worth a d-n-and must go home and live
on Adam's ale and Aqua Pumpaginis!-
'Devilish sorry for it tho!-had an assig.
with a Quicunque Vult--a snug little cinder-
gabbler-a pretty respectable sort of a slew-
er!-must look out for a barrel fever;-
winter caterwauling cursed unhealthy;---
too cold to study astronomy---D. I. Ó!----
The blood made his leg and staggered out
of the rooms.
'He lifts his hand to his head, pretty of
ten;' said one.
C
He has a rum phiz;' said another.
'He looks like a Body of Divinity bound
in black calf;' continued a third.----(The ab-
sentee was dressed in a full suit of mourn-
ing.)
---


DANDY-SLANG.
27
'He squints like a bag of nails;' said a
fourth.
3
He grins like a basket of chips;' cried
a fifth.
'He always seems as busy as the devil in
a high wind, or a hen with one chicken;' vo-
ciferated a sixth.
C
'He's a cunning shaver'---- A little cut
over the head'---- A poor dab'---- Looks as
pleasant as the pains of death'---' Always a
drop in his eye---- Drunk as an Emperor.'
Fortunately for this respectable charac-
ter, another of the Bang-ups,--recollecting
an eng gement with a tormentor-of-cat-gut
who was to select him a new cremona----left
the rooms.
▬▬▬▬
C
،
C
'Dick's off too!--- Half seas over, I fan-
cy' --- Looks as if he had been fed with a
fire shovel; always sporting his ivory'-
Knowledge-box very small Idea-pot
cursed empty!---- Always putting in his
oar' Wants pluck' A regular guz-
zler Always hard at it'---- A blue green-
horn'---- A frequenter of hot-water conven-
ticles A drinker of scandal-broth'---- A
hanger-on to bracket-faced, carotty-pated,
gravy-eyed ape-leaders!---- A mutton head-
ed Aminidab---- In love with Miss Graveairs;
C
C
"
6
BUS
----


28
DANDY-SLANG.
looks as if butter would'nt melt in her mouth,
yet I warrant cheese would'nt choak her!!
6
A little goose-berry eyed or so;'---' All the
crack, pon honour----promised to call in the
cushion thumper when Dick sowed his wild
oats.'
———
Some poor damsel, who had offended the
honourable fraternity by refusing to dance
with one of its members at that time barely.
able to stand, afforded the next subject of
conversation. In the opinion of some she
was affectedly decent in her dress;----others
swore the major part of her body was not
covered at all! One declared she danced
like a ditch-digger--another, that she mo-
ved like a parson! She was red haired----
snub-nosed----gimblet-eyed---rake-toothed----
chicken-breasted-eel-shaped---baker-kneed-
--
mammoth-ankled-and club-footed!!—with
a parchment-skin, scraggy-fingers, and a
cracked voice! Such a volley of epithets
seldom before came from the lips of man,
interlarded with the most fashionable and
popular oaths---which I cannot repeat:
Bacon-faced-Bran-faced-Brazen-faced
-Weasel-faced-Cribbage-faced---Beetle-
headedBottle-headed-Buffle-headed,--
and Chuckle-headed!!! And, finally, they


DANDY-SLANG.
29
31
all agreed that she was half-horse, half-alli-
gator, and a little bit of a steam-boat!
،
C
Billiards at length became fatiguing.
There was a fine looking young gentleman
stretched on a sofa behind me, picking his
teeth, and slapping his new Coronation Pan-
taloons with his glove; another sat at the
opposite end, puffing a cigar and half-asleep.
What do you say to a flirt?' said the
first. 'Pharo?' inquired the other. Ay,
----old Flirtaway's----let's have a flyer if
you're flush.'----That fellow's an old bruiser;
he'll wet his thumb and slip a card like light-
ening;----I hate to be bubblea; ---every time
I buttered a bet, it was a Flemish account;---
besides I've other fish to fry, and can't go
the company; we're nuts for the bank.'
'Nonsense!' replied the first; I put it
into 'em handsomely, the other night;--walk-
ed in with an odd ten, counted the bank,
and eyed the banker devilish sharp;-sat
down;----smacked it into Pot----turned up
doublets and lost half-turned up six and
lost all;---down with another;----won;----
touched him a parolet behind the Knave,
----won;----gave him a Sept et le va,----won;
----a Quinze; et le va,won;----a Trente
et le va,----won----d----d near losing in hock-
D


390
DANDY-SLANG.
ley;----gave the cards a flirt and a cut;-
risked all for a Soixante et le va!----won!----
Broke up the bank in one deal and a quar-
ter, and marched off with a cool six hun-
dred in my pocket! What do you think of
that? Was'nt that a bone-setter, my boy?'
Well, let's be off;'----and away went
the pigeons.
C
---
"Rouse out your fidlers' money, and knock
off the score;' said a spruce young blade,
throwing his cue on the table.---- Now for a
swig-must keep up the steam:- -Who'll
raise a breeze? kick up a dust? and play
the d-l?----Come, boys, for a cruise? no,
flats in Co.--all up to a thing or two----ripe
for fun----hot-water conventions or Ballum-
Rancums.'
T
This proposition precisely coincided with
the general disposition, and the whole bevy
departed, talking about Tivoli, Vauxhall,
South-Street and Female-Gas-Inhalers.
Tom, with great difficulty, was permitted to
accompany me home to supper: he was de-
clared to be a cow-hearted flincher who
would rather provide for his bread-basket,
than risk his noddle in a row!----a stuffing
night of the trencher, who would rather eat
Welch-Rabbit than swig blue-ruin;----and a


DANDY-SLANG.
31
chicken-hearted renegado, who would snore
it quietly in bed, while there was a chance
of having his peepers plumped by a bully, or
his calabash cracked by a Watchman!!


CHAPTER III.
FEMALE SLANDERERS.
Whose gall coins slanders like a mint.
Shakspeare.
The flour consumed, the best that now I can,
Is e'en to make my market of my bran.
Wife of Bath.
I was sitting, the other morning, in the
parlour of Mr. Single, a bachelor about five
and forty years of age, according to rational
calculation, and about five and thirty ac-
cording to his own. He is a determined
hater of children, an enthusiastic admirer of
women, a sworn foe to matrimony, some-
what testy, a moderate petit-maitre, but
withal, a sensible man: his distinguishing
error is an unbounded veneration for the
opinion of the world.
'I must sell off!' said he;-'I can never
endure house-keeping another year; there


FEMALE SLANDERERS.
33
is perpetual discord among the servants,
and a house keeper is as bad as a wife;-
old, ugly and crabbed!'
"You should make a more agreeable se-
lection.' 'And afford a dish of scandal for
every tea-table in Philadelphia?—I should
be the tittering-stock of every young lady,
and the target of every old one in the com-
munity! With such a house-keeper as you
recommend, every handkerchief I might
purchase would be transformed into bibs and
tuckers, and every piece of muslin, into ba-
by-clothes! If I were dying I should be
afraid to summon a doctor, and if I were
naked I should be afraid to buy linen!--No,
no, Mr. Hermit, if you would escape the
argus eyes of our antiquated virgins, or the
Bohea animadversions of our prying ma-
trons, it is impossible to be too vigilant: a
pretty young house-keeper would destroy
the reputation of the most immaculate
bachelor in town; our only safety consists in
positive deformity or hopeless antiquity.'
The bell rung, and a blooming young
damsel was ushered into the room.
—
'I am informed, Sir, you wish to hire a
chamber-maid.'
D 2


34
FEMALE SLANDERERS.
'Sit down, child:-but I always require
good recommendations.'
'I have never been out to service as yet,
because I always lived at home, Sir.'
"At home? where is your home, child?'
'In the country, Sir;-but times are get-
ting hard, and I came to town for work,
Sir.'
'No recommendation, eh?—are you sure
you are sober?'
'Not always, Sir.'
'Not always!'
6
No, Sir, I can't help laughing sometimes;
-but I am always sober in church, Sir."
< And honest?
"The little country girl fingered the cor-
ner of her handkerchief.
'Why,
yes, Sir; John promised to
marry me next week.'
'Going to be married!-go,-go, child,
we can never agree:-never, never!"
The disappointed girl withdrew without
further remark.
Is it possible, Mr. Single,' said I, 'your
only objection to this girl is her intended
marriage?'
Yes, Sir;-if I engage that servant, a
man, of whom I know nothing, will become


FEMALE SLANDERERS.
35
in part, if not wholly, domesticated in my
house; and, if I keep her long enough, it
will be over-run with children!-With child-
ren!! by Jupiter, think of that, Mr. Her-
mit:-squalling and bawling from morning
'till night-pap-cups, cradles and rocking-
chairs!-a second Pandemonium! And what
think you the world will say? What oceans
of tea will be quaffed to the manes of my
reputation! What mountains of buttered
toast will be destroyed for my destruction!
What myriads of old maids will hold forth
in my condemnation!'
'Really, Mr. Single, you attach too much
importance to the bad opinion of the world: it
is, at best, but an uncertain criterion, too
often founded upon rumour or malevolence,
and always warped by prejudice.'
The bell sounded again, and a large black
negro-wench bounced into the room.
Master, want a maid?'
6
The usual routine of questions was pro-
posed, and ended in the production of a
soiled piece of paper, purporting to be a re-
commendation of Dinah- to the office
3
of house-maid.
'What is your other name, Dinah?
'I always goes by the name of Dinah,


36
FEMALE SLANDERERS.
Sir; when I were young, master called me
Dinah Sleek, but when I went to live with
John, I went by John's name, Sir; and when
John went to sea, I took Peter's, Sir----and
when Peter died, Timothy and me was
married, Sir, after a way, Sir.'
What way was that, pray?,
'We swore to be married, Sir."
C
And where is Mr. Timothy at present?'
'Poor Tim is put to picking oakum, Sir,
on suspicion of stealing, Sir!-and I was
cleared, Sir.'
1 really believe Mr. Single was disposed
to engage this hater of matrimony accor-
ding to the rules of the church, when our
ears were assailed with the loud cries of a
child, near the door of the room. Mr. Sin-
gle seemed electrified; the yell of an united
body of Choctaws, Cherokees and Chicka-
saws, or a band of Chinese Musicians or a
Dilletanti Horn Blower, could not have
pro-
duced a more astonishing effect.
"What-what-what's that?' he at length
vociferated.
'It's only Nell,' tranquilly replied the
sooty damsel; 'I always takes my child
wherever I goes to sarvice.'


FEMALE SLANDERERS.
37
'Woman! begone!' roared forth the ba-
chelor in tones of thunder, that drove the
poor girl trembling to the door.
'A child! Mr. Hermit;' said he, in some
degree regaining his composure; 'a black
child! Lord, Lord! what would they say to
that? Don't I look black in the face alrea-
dy? Have'nt I got a wooly kind of a sheep-
ish look?-O! how tender is the reputation
of man!
"This infatuation, Mr. Single, is abso-
lutely farcical, and the more you indulge in
it, the more ridiculous and miserable you
will become. Why, Sir, I would rather laugh
the world to scorn, and set the whole tribe
of tea-drinkers in utter defiance, than be so
preposterously fettered. I would rather sport
a dozen mistresses, be the father of twenty
children, and place one of them at the elbows
of the twenty most determined old-maids
in Christendom! I would rather scour the
world for the prettiest house keeper in ex-
istence, and make my house the rallying
point of beauty! If your reputation is firm-
ly established, you have nothing to fear:
those who delight in scandal, if truth fail,
will resort to falsehood; and those, whose
opinions you ought to value, are sufficiently


38
FEMALE SLANDERERS.
assured of the fact, never to give credit to
these tea-drinking-juntos, even when they
happen to speak the truth. If the reputa-
tion of a man is subjected to the examina-
tion of a body of disappointed old women,
it will always be condemned: if his charac-
ter is faultless, ingenuity will furnish de-
fects; and if he sins at all, his errors will be
magnified into crying crimes, and distorted
into the most hideous shapes: no acknow-
ledgment of guilt, no reformation, however
sincere, will weigh one scruple in the ba-
lance. They ferret out and hunt down the
whole sex, to revenge on their descendants
the bad taste of those forefathers, who con-
demned them to sip solitary tea in this world,
and lead apes in the next.'
'But, Mr. Hernit, I am an unfortunate
instance of worldly persecution: in my ear-
liest days, if a fracas occurred at the Thea-
tres, I was pointed out as its author, al-
though an unconcerned spectator;—if some
baby-faced boy reeled home from a dinner-
party at which I was present, his indignant
mamma branded me as the seducer of her
soft headed son;-if a supper-party termi-
nated in boisterous and ungentlemanlike
riot, the whole fault rested on Pilgarlic;-


FEMALE SLANDERERS.
39
if a noise was heard at midnight in the
streets-if a watchman's head was broken
-if bells were rung-if knockers were
sounded-if windows were smashed-if
squibs and crackers were let off-if signs
were torn down-if rattles were sprung,-
Jack Single was always the delinquent; if
some overgrown calf lost his weekly allow-
ance at sixpenny loo, and sneaked home
blubbering to his papa, he was solemnly
cautioned to avoid Jack Single;-if chance
or politeness bade me escort some fair
damsel from an evening party, and I inno-
cently offered her my arm, the proposal was
distorted into serious professions, and I was
thenceforward denied admittance into her
house! If I looked at a lady, her mother
trembled,-if I spoke to her, she fidgetted,
-and if I danced with her, she took her
home! If I entered a book-store for a new
publication, it was to purchase cards, and if
I joined a dinner-party at Rubicam's, I was
a frequenter of taverns.-If I was seen in
the street at an early hour in the morning,
I had not been at home all the night,—if I
made my appearance late in the evening, I
intended to remain out 'till next morning,-
and if I only appeared at meridian, I had


40
been dissipating all the previous night, and
sleeping all the morning! I became at last
even a bug-bear to frighten children, and
my horrid name superseded all the estab-
Ilished horrors of the nursery;-If I made
two morning-calls at the same house, the
cautious mother eyed me with suspicion,
and one evening visit was fatal in all cases.
Nay! if I walked with a young lady in
broad day-light, her afflicted parents enter-
tained serious ideas of sending her imme-
diately to the Magdalen Asylum!—you may
ask me what monstrous crimes I had com-
mitted to merit such aversion? I answer,
NONE; many follies, but no crimes. It was,
however, my unfortunate lot, to be selected
as a fit subject for maiden and matronly dis-
section: I was served up amid Parfait
amour, Noyau, Cognac, Holland Gin, Mac-
abau, Pecco-Souchong, and Buttered Rolls,
at all the scandal-festivals in the city. The
French never cooked eggs in as many
shapes as I appeared upon the tea-tables:-
Madame Parisot never cut the pigeon-
racter was cut up:-Monsieur Marinot
wing' with as much dexterity as my cha-
ever hashed sausage-meat with as much
cety as my reputation was hashed!
It
FEMALE SLANDERERS.


FEMALE SLANDERERS.
41
was peppered and salted-smoked black-
fried to flinders-stewed to tatters-fritter-
ed to flitters-boiled to rags-roasted un-
mercifully, and devoured voraciously! The
toothless gums of the operators seemed to
imbibe a new maxillary impetus, and no
cannibals ever regaled with more savage
delight. At length the dish became stale,
and new food being obtained, I was per-
mitted, mangled and torn, to enjoy a por-
tion of rest. Time poured its balsam into
my wounds, and many heads of families,
who had been led astray by the Blue-Stock-
ings, began to think I had been abused.
They found their daughters were as im-
maculate as ever, that their sons were
not ruined,—and that other people, besides
Jack Single, played cards, drank cham-
paigne, and made noises in the street: they
discovered, moreover, my positive aversion
to matrimony; that the bare mention of mar-
riage made me shudder--that I positively
groaned at the idea of a christening,---and,
that the cries of a child were to me aversion
upon aversion; a cheese,----a cat,---- a breast
of mutton,----the grinding of knives, and the
snuff of a candle!'----Owing to this revolu-
tion of opinion among the least prejudiced
6
E
-


49
1
FEMALE SLANDERERS.
matrons, I gradually regained the situation
which I now hold in society; and my per-
secutors were, at length, compelled to chime
in with the general voice, and reinstate me
in their favour. But I am regarded by
them as a culprit whose reformation has ori-
ginated from necessity,----liable and willing
to relapse: every eye is on the alert, and the
slightest pecadillo would destroy me. Ne-
cessity forces me to be the slave of centena-
ry viragos, and resist all selfish considera-
tions to deprecate their wrath. Whatever
may be my inclination, I am obliged to at-
tend morning, afternoon and evening ser-
vice on the Sabbath, lest I should be ana-
thematised as an unbeliever. If my cur-
sed stars produce a rencontre with one of
these antique virgins in the street, I must
parade by her side, whilst every body we
meet thrust their tongues in their cheeks,
or their handkerchiefs in their mouths, to
avoid laughing in my face! Fifty times have
I been dragged into an apothecary's shop
in search of lavender compound, mint-
water or stomachic elixir! Often have I
sneaked into a perfumer's to purchase a pot
of pomatum, or a grisly frizette! and still
nore frequently our only purchase has been
A


FEMALE SLANDERERS.
43
a row of pins at a milliner's, or a penny-
worth of rappee at a tobacconist's!----And
then I am obliged to dance attendance at
their evening levees;---to bellow into the
ears of deafness 'till my own are deafened
with the noise;----to stare at the viscous
eyes of deformity 'till streams flow from
mine own, in very sympathy;----to listen to
some phthisicky septuaginarian until I
wheeze like a broken-winded hack-horse!
-to hear toothless mumbling till my own
teeth chatter in symphony!--to pat lap-
dogs--talk to parrots---wind cotton-stir
the fire-play with monkeys-ring the bell
-fill pin-cushions-stroke cats-thread
needles-snuff candles-read the bible-
and play chess!-Sometimes the penance
is still greater, and I am unmercifully con-
signed to purgatory in company with three
of the sisterhood at a whist-table! No
imagination can fancy its horrors; one
shaking like an aspen leaf, with the palsy;
-the second groaning with the dyspepsia;
-and the third black in the face with a
church-yard cough! All adorned with snuf-
fy mustachios, smelling of Hollands, and
mumbling out gutturals with a vile twang of
the nose! And such select conversation;-


44
FEMALE SLANDERERS.
each vieing with the others in the extent,
and danger, and disagreeableness of their
several complaints, and extolling their fa-
fourite remedies. 'Patent specific oint-
ment,' Circassian eye-water,' 'Mahy's
plaster cloth,' 'Dr. Robertson's celebra-
ted stomachic elixir of health,' 'Dr. Ro-
bertson's celebrated gout and rheumatic
drops' and 'Dr. Robertson's patent sto-
machic bitters,' 'Dr. Dyott's anti-bilious
pills,' 'Dr. Godbold's vegetable balm of
life," Vegetable nervous cordial,' and
cordial of all kinds;-pills, potions, lotions
and boluses,—all are expatiated upon. Food
of every description is analysed, condemned
and recommended;-some is heating-some
chilling, and some indigestible!-Can you
wonder then, my dear Sir, that I am misera
ble?'
<
6
'I am indeed astonished,' was my reply:
'not more that a man of sense should be so
inconceivably deluded, than that any being
in the world, however destitute of capacity,
should surrender his ease and happiness in-
to the hands of superannuated slanderers,-of
wrinkled mummies, and senseless, toothless,
heartless, old women. Do you believe the
opinion of society is grounded upon their
assertions? Or, if you are in fact innocent,


FEMALE SLANDERERS.
45
that the croaking and chattering of a gang
of shrivelled spinsters can filch one atom
from your good name? No, Mr. Single, if
you continue under the guidance of this in-
fatuation, you will assuredly become con-
temptible; in the early part of your life, you
have committed errors sufficiently notor-
rious to give probability to reported failings,
of which you were actually innocent: at pre-
sent, female machinations cannot prove in-
jurious for want of an impetus. Abandon
these detractors at once, and confine your
associations to that great and happy majo-
rity of ladies, who have benevolence enough
to overlook the foibles of youth, and sense
enough to respect the reformation of riper
years. Follow this course, and you may
defy the whole host of Blue-Stockings: let it
no longer be said, that any man breathing
is humble enough to pin himself to the
apron-string of a peevish, testy, dissappoint-
ed old maid! I would have every petti-
coat-pensioner thrust out of manly society,
and every slave to public opinion consign-
ed to a rice swamp;-for, believe me,
however miserable the alternative, I would
rather be a slave inthewes and sinews'
than in soul.'
E 2


46
FEMALE SLANDERERS.
Mr. Single, as I rose to depart, promi-
sed reformation, with a discouraging shake
of the head.


CHAPTER. IV.
FASHIONABLE CONVERSATION.
Now, God help thee, poor monkey.
Our sensibilities are so acute
The fear of being silent makes us mute.
Shaksp.
Cowper.
THE chief aim of Fashion is to create
distinctions by which her children may be
separated from the canaille; and this en-
deavour has not only been exercised in the
nomenclature of dress, and the invention of
peculiar terms for the benefit of particular
associations, but in the general conversation
of society. It must be affectedly laconic,
extensively vapid, and extremely incompre-
hensible: the ancient meaning of words, or
that appropriated to them by Johnson, and
other vulgar lexicographers, must be, as
much as possible, distorted, and so introdu-
ced as to give a signification entirely differ-


48
FASHIONABLE CONVERSATION.
ent from the one thus established: for the
sake of elucidation, I extract a few items of
a Fashionable Glossary published in a pe-
riodical magazine:
AT HOME-The domestic amusement of
three hundred visitors in a small room
to yawn at each other.
NOT AT HOME-Sitting in your own draw-
ing room.
BORE-Every thing that a person dislikes:
it also means any person who talks of
religion.
COACH-MAN-A great or accomplished gen-
tleman.
DRESS-Half-naked.
DAY-Night: or strictly speaking, from 10
P. M. to 6 A. M.
HUSBAND--A person to pay your debts.
HOME-Every one's house but your own.
HONOUR-Standing fire well.
HIGHLY-ACCOMPLISHED-Reading music well;
painting flowers for the border of a
screen, and a talent for guessing
charades.
MATRIMONY-A bargain.
MODEST-Sheepish.
RELIGION-Occupying a seat in some gen-
teel church.


FASHIONABLE CONVERSATION.
4.9
DINING-OUT-Getting drunk.
LOVE-Dollars and Cents.
These are but a small proportion of the
various significations attached to certain
words in the Glossary of Fashion.
Pronunciation is even more important than
the due observance of the new meaning of
words. The acme of this Art is to give
every word a slight foreign utterance, such
as in the letter A, which should always be
pronounced broad, as AW: it is better, in
this respect, to follow the Italian method.
Every sentence must be pronounced in a
slow, drawling tone, which may be readily
acquired by visiting the theatres; as,
• Iee
sauighe fore the pleesures ofe an ex-cur-sion
toee the buor-ders ofe the o-ce-an.'
There are certain words,-a few of which
I subjoin-which must always be pronoun-
ced according to fashionable rule:-viz:
Duty
Tune
Sky
Master
Can't
Fortune
Kind
Now
Djuty.
Tshune.
Skeei.
Mauster.
Caunt.
Fortshin.
Keeind.
Neauw.


50
FASHIONABLE CONVERSATION.
Girl
New
Guide
Geeirl.
Neeuw.
Geeide.
Interesting Intristing.
Speerete.
Tirrant.
Birron.
Spirit
Tyrant
Byron
Moore
More.
Southey Sutthy, &c. &c.
With attention to these suggestions a
belle may soon make herself unintelligible
to the vulgar classes.
A novel proposition has been made by a
modern writer in England, which might be
adopted very beneficially in this city: he ad-
vises an addition to fashionable phraseology
altogether new and delightful. Having no
doubt witnessed the voracity with which
fruits are, generally, devoured, he recom-
mends a nosological arrangement by which
the fair sex may allude to all species of
fruits, without the vulgar necessity of as-
similating their expressions to those ap-
pellatives used by market-hucksters and
green-grocers! As for example: Will
you allow me, madam, to help you to a
cramp in the stomach?'-I insist, Sir,
upon your trying some of that cholera mor-


FASHIONABLE CONVERSATION.
51
bus.'- Do let me send you some of this
summer-complaint.'- Colonel, there is a
fit of the gout before you; do help yourself."
-My dear, you will find that stomach-ache
delicious'--&c. &c. &c.
Nothing could be more novel and unique
than this new language, which would also
serve as an effectual mark of distinction be-
tween gentility and vulgarity! In France
communications are made by means of
flowers, and it is certainly time that fruits
should assist in upholding the Temple of
Fashion.
Conversation in the street, in these 'dull,
piping times of peace,' is reduced to a regu-
lar system: the same questions and answers
pass and repass, and there is always the
same solicitude to escape from-as there was
a few years ago to meet with a fellow
lounger. At that time our gallant tars on
the ocean, and our bleeding heroes on the
land, afforded a buoyancy and animation to
their countrymen at home, which created
absolute surprise, and gave a charm to the
des@uvrement of fashion, which seemed al-
inost unnatural. Our Dandies skip'd nim-
bly about the streets, and boldly accosted
each of their acquaintance with an inquisi-
станда


52
FASHIONABLE CONVERSATION.
C
tive Have you heard the news?'— but now
(with the exception of a slight impulse given
by the Influenza, and the Queen's Trial;)
street conversation has reverted to the old
channel, and is, in substance, as follows:
ADAMS and BROOKS (meeting.)
A-(Advancing as if he could not help
it.) How d'ye do Brooks?
B.-Very well, thank'ee; how do you do?
A.-Very well, thank'ee;-Mrs. Brooks
well?
B.-Very well, I'm much obliged t'ye.
Mrs. Adams and the children well, I hope.
A.-Quite well, thank'ee.
(Here Brooks, having to speak next, gives
his neck-cloth a twist, and looks about a lit-
tle.)
B.--Rather pleasant weather to day.
A. Yes;--but it was cold in the morn
ing.
B.-Yes, but that we must expect at this
time o' year.
(Another brief pause;-neck cloth twist-
ed and switch twirled.)
A.-Seen Smith lately?


FASHIONABLE CONVERSATION.
53
B.-No, I can't say I have. (This can't
say is a very characteristic phrase in En-
glish discourse: implying that the speaker
prefers truth even to the comfort of having
an answer to give, and that he wishes to
heaven he could say it.-Brooks luckily re-
collects, that if he has not seen Smith, he
has seen Thompson.)
B.--(In continuation.) But I have seen
Thompson.
A. Indeed! and how is he?
B.-Very well, thank'ee.
A. I am glad of it.Well-good
morning.
B.-Good morning!
C
Having thus recorded the truly fashiona-
ble conversation of the Streets, it may be
useful to give a slight sketch of those visits,
fashionably called Morning Calls.' The
uninitiated believe, with great simplicity,
that whatever they may happen to see or
become acquainted with during a morning
call is the result of accident alone!--for
how could it be otherwise, as the ladies are
not acquainted with the precise time at which
their visits are to be made? Alas! the cre-
* English Magazine.
F


54
FASHIONABLE CONVERSATION.
dulity of the world! Can any being, admit-
ted into the circles of fashion, believe that
when he surprises a Belle in her morning
dishabille, she is not fully apprised of its
advantages? Or, if he sees more of a pret-
ty neck and a beautiful arm than is usual
in such cases, that their possessor is not
entirely conscious of their effects? Or, if
he discovers the elegante at her piano, that
she is not well aware of her superior exe-
cution and melody of voice?--Yet some of
my elderly acquaintance have been ridicu-
lously deceived by these appearances, and
one of them, in particular, actually made
an abrupt retreat, from the laughable idea
that he had mistaken the hour of the day, and
his fair hostess had only half completed the
labours of her toilet!
(
The fact is, that among truly fashionable
people, there is almost as much preparation
for morning-visits as for any other descrip-
tion;--at least as much as for Thes Dan-
sants,' if not Bals Parés.' Their nature
depends entirely on the whims or accom-
plishments of the ladies. Beautiful work-
boxes are arranged so as to convey the idea
of domestic industry;-a half-finished Card
Rack, or a Cottage Sketch, lies in an enti-


FASHIONABLE CONVERSATION.
55
cing situation on a table covered with fan-
ciful designs, crayons, and paint-boxes;-
a beautifully written piece of music orna-
ments another table, together with a Dou-
ble-Flageolet, a Lute, or a Guitar;-the
Whole Duty of Woman, Glass's Domestic
Cookery, Blair's Sermons, and the last new
Novel, are scattered over the ottoman;—the
Harp is so arranged as to endanger the
neck of whoever enters the door, and the
Piano stands open, decorated with the last
fashionable Bravura. The Belle--when the
knocker sounds-has a gold thimble on her
finger, and is working most assiduously a
beautiful flounce with a golden-eyed-needle
-One sister flies to the Card-Rack-
another seizes the music-a third rushes to
the Piano-a fourth accompanies her on
the Harp---and their good mamma begins
most devoutly to read the sermons of Dr.
Blair!--At this moment the visitant is ush-
ered into the room, and finds himself in the
midst of the most industrious, interesting,
accomplished, and moral of all domestic cir-
cles. He admires the open-stitch-work of
one, extols the painting of another, praises
the musical excution of a third and the mu-
sical voice of a fourth,-and, above all, re-


56
FASHIONABLE CONVERSATION.
verences the religious solicitude of the care-
ful mother. He departs with these flatter-
ing impressions:-the work boxes are stow-
ed away, the Harp set in its corner, the
Piano shut down, Dr. Blair tossed into the
novel-closet, and the flounce, the card rack,
and the music carefully disposed of till the
next morning;-as they are all destined, for
at least one season, to serve as standing or-
naments, and inanimate aids-de-camp du-
ring such morning-calls as may occur with-
in that period.
The conversation of morning calls is also
arranged and conducted with proper order
and regulations, of which the following is a
comprehensive detail.
(Mrs. and Miss Fixwell discovered, the
former reading 'The Abbot,' and the lat-
ter working a lace-cap.)
Enter Mr. Sheepish
(He makes a bow and sits down.)
S.-Hope you have been well, ma'am,
since I had the pleasure of seeing you?
MRS. F.-Extremely well, Sir.
S.-And you, Miss Fixwell?
MISS F.-Very well, I thank you, Sir.
(A short pause.)


FASHIONABLE CONVERSATION.
57
MRS. F.-Your mother is well, I pre-
sume, Sir?
S.-Very well, I thank you, ma'am.
MISS. F.-Your sisters all well, Sir?
S.-Very well, I'm much obliged to you.
(Another pause.)
S.-Have you had the prevalent Influen-
za, ma'am?
MRS. F.--A slight attack, Sir;-it is a
very disagreeable complaint.
S.-Yes, ma'am.
-
MISS F. Have you escaped it, Sir?
S.—No, ma'am; I had it severely for se-
veral days; but I hope you did.
MISS. F.-No, Sir; I was not so fortu-
nate.
(A long pause, during which Mrs. F. fin-
gers the leaves of her book, Miss. F. makes a
few stitches, and Mr. S. plays with his watch-
chain.)
S. Very fine weather, ma'am.
MRS. F.--Extremely so:---but I am
afraid we shall have some rain.
MISS. F.---I certainly hope not.
(Mr. S. now begins to be very uneasy,
looks frequently towards the door, and cros-
ses his legs alternately.)
F 2


58
FASHIONABLE CONVERSATION.
MRS. F.I expect, Sir, the theatre will
open in a few days.
S.-Yes, ma'am.
MISS F.-I understand it is beautifully
ornamented.
S. So I understand, ma'am.
(Another tremendous pause;-just as Mr.
Sheepish has summoned resolution enough
to rise from his chair, Mrs. F. speaks and
he sits down.)
MRS. F.-I presume, Sir, we shall have
a gay winter, owing to the number of mar-
riages.
S.-I presume so, ma'am.
Miss F.-Do you go to Miss Danceit's
ball, next week?
S.-I hope to have that pleasure, ma'am.
(Miss F. now begins to look astonished,
and Mrs. F. yawns audibly; Mr. S. re-echoes
it from sympathy.)
MISS F.-Were you at any of the Wa-
tering places last summer?
S.---At Long Branch, ma'am, for two or
three days.
MRS. F.--Which do you propose visiting
next summer, Sir?
S.----Positively, ma'am-not yet decided.
+


FASHIONABLE CONVERSATION.
59
(At this critical conjuncture new visitors
arrive, and Mr. S, taking advantage of the
bustle, makes a bow, and exit.)
The conversation of evening parties is so
diffuse, owing to the size of those assem-
blies, that it would be impossible to con-
dense it in a dramatic shape; this diffusion
consists, however, more in the expression
than the nature of the subject. In one cor-
ner we hear a dissertation on Long Branch,
Yellow Springs and Schooley's mountain,
and having escaped into another, are edified
with remarks on Bedford, Balston, and Sa-
ratoga. One talks of Passaic Falls, and
another of the Falls of Niagara;- -the
convenience of the Delaware steam boats
is applauded by one gentleman, and the ac-
commodations of the Hudson steam boats
by another; some canvas the merits of the
last new fashion, while others form conjec-
tures of that which is expected;-one lady
talks of the author of Guy Mannering, and
another of the author of Waverly;-some
admire the fineness of the day, others pre-
dict a storm on the morrow, and all make
the weather the leading subject of conversa-
tion;-On one side you hear a discourse
concerning 'fugitive pink for occasional ef-


60
FASHIONABLE CONVERSATION.
6
fect;' on the other, 'beautiful carmine for
morning bloom;' before you is an élégante
elucidating the advantages of attitudini-
zing,' and behind you are a few damsels
whispering about Circassian corsets for re-
forming busts.'-One prude is shocked by
the lowness of the upper part of one lady's
dress, and another condemns the height of
the lower part of another's;----one group of
exquisites expatiates upon the merits of a
famous trotting mare, and another ap-
plauds the performances of an equally fa-
mous running-horse;--one body of belles
are delighted with the concert of Miss Bou-
det, another talk in raptures of Mrs. French,
and a third chatter in amazement about the
wonderful little Lewises;----Here a snug co-
terie are ridiculing the petticoat-trousers of
the gentlemen, and there a band of ruffians
are quizzing the light drapery of the ladies;
in one place, the dissipated and immoral
character of Mr. Soakit undergo strict scru-
tiny, and in another, Miss Flirtal is con-
demned to a like examination;-at one end
of the room it is announced, that Mrs. Burn-
well's house had nearly taken fire, through
the negligence of a servant, and in less than
five minutes, you are informed at the other
(


FASHIONABLE CONVERSATION.
61
މ
end, that the house was totally consumed,
and that Mrs. Burnwell, her six small child-
ren and her favourite lap-dog, perished in
the flames!! A new comer mentions a
report of Bonaparte's escape from St. Hele-
na, and in a few moments, you are confi-
dentially informed (from undoubted authori-
ty,) that he is seated on the throne of
France! A quidnunc hazards the idea,
that the conviction of the Queen would be
attended with serious civil commotions, and
you can barely walk across the room, be-
fore you are positively assured, that a revo-
lution has taken place in England, George
the fourth been beheaded, and Mr. Broug-
ham appointed protector of the Common-
wealth!! If a lady mentions the marriage
of a friend, you are speedily informed that
fortune has crowned the bliss of the affec-
tionate pair in the shape of a lovely child;-
if you excuse the absence of an individual
on the score of a slight head-ache or tooth-
ache, in a very short time you are surprised
to understand, that he is at the point of
death,' and 'not expected to live 'till morn-
ing;'--and if a belle be confined with indis-
position to the house, she is without delay
consigned to the tomb of her fathers.
<
――――


62
FASHIONABLE CONVERSATION.
Such are the leading topics of tea-party-
conversation, and such the delights of tea-par-
ties; they may assuredly rank among the
worst gradation of miseries that afflict the
sons and daughters offashion. So much, howe--
ver, has been said about fashionable squeezes
and routs, that it is unnecessary to argue
in favour of large parties and small rooms,
which is a great desideratum: the Goule of
the désert is not more frightful to the Per-
sians than a small tea-party to the votaries
of fashion. When we consider the nature
of these squeezes as well as their conversa-
tion, we may well exclaim with Madame
de Stael, Dans vos routs le corps fait plus
de frais que l'esprit.'
6
With respect to the superior volubility of
the female tongue at all parties, we have
very satisfactory information: in Buxton's
Hebrew Lexicon, Chap. 9. p. 228, (accor-
ding to a friendly adviser,) it is recorded
that Eve's name is derived from a word
which signifies to talk; and, according to
the opinion of the Rabbis, there were twelve
baskets of chit-chat which fell from the hea-
vens, and the women picked up nine of
them!'
6
1


CHAPTER V.
PHILADELPHIA AMUSEMENTS.
Sweep on, you fat and greasy citizens, 'tis just the fashion.
As You Like It.
Ha! then comes thronging many a wild desire,
And high imagining, and thought of fire!
Then, from within, a voice exclaims' Aspire!'
Rogers.
THERE is perhaps no city in the world,
of equal extent, more deficient in public pla-
ces of amusement than Philadelphia: their
introduction has been greatly retarded by
the tone of sentiment introduced with the
primitive settlers, which has to the present
time continued to produce a decreasing ef
fect; but it will hardly be denied, that every
successive aberration from the manners,
customs, and morals of our forefathers, has
been attended with a correspondent decline
in the virtues and happiness of society.


64
PHILADELPHIA AMUSEMENTS.
In those happy days of primitive simplici-
ty, every family, in itself, was a theatre of
enjoyment; fictitious excitements were not
wanting to increase the pleasures of society,
because every individual relied upon his
own resources, or the family circle to which
he was attached: the domestic fire-side was,
to them, a never failing source of pleasure,
where the whole family assembled, with great
regularity, in the evening, to knit stock-
ings, enjoy religious conversation, and read
a chapter in the Bible. If it became neces-
sary to pay a neighbourly visit, every indi-
vidual joined in the unusual exertion: the
visitation commenced at 10 o'clock of the
morning, and ended with the going down of
the sun. At 9 o'clock the whole city was
wrapt in profound slumbers.
Tempora mutantur, et nos mutamur cum
illis: our present young gentlemen retire to
rest about the time our forefathers were
accustomed to rise; breakfasts have usurped
the place of ancient dinners in the same ra-
tio as the latter have taken the stations of
ancient suppers. Broad-brim hats have got
into disrepute, and buckram suits come to be
very pleasant objects of ridicule; plain long-
eared muslin caps, high neckerchiefs, and


PHILADELPHIA AMUSEMENTS.
65
long drab petticoats, afford vast amusement
to our present race of damsels, twenty of
whom might very decently (par comparai-
son) be clothed with one single maidenly
dress of the olden time.'
6
At that blessed epoch it was little less
than profanity, even to offer an ear to the
public gaze, excepting through the doubtful
texture of leno-muslin; now, the main test of
fashion is the greatest exhibition of the natu-
ral surface of the body, without any defending
covering at all. Long sleeves, and sleeves of
all descriptions are nearly extinct;—white
sattin has been substituted for linsey-wool-
sey, and sky-blue gauze for snuff-coloured
bombazet. In fashionable life, neckerchiefs
are by no meaus indispensable, and even
the main article of female dress has suffer-
ed very material diminution.
However great may be these changes,
nothing has deteriorated more than the
manners of young people, as connected with
courtship. In ancient times, when a youth
imbibed a secret yearning towards a dam-
sel, he arrayed himself in his Sunday suit,
lengthened his features to a due degree of
solemnity, put a bible into his pocket, and
sallied forth to the mansion of his beloved;
G


66
PHILADELPHIA AMUSEMENTS.
every thing then depended on a sonorous,
well-modulated voice, and an orthodox twang
of the nose; if he succeeded in preaching
himself into the good graces of the young
woman, (there were no ladies in those days,)
he took unto himself a wife; but if all his
efforts proved unavailing, he betook him-
self home, and studiously endeavoured, by
family practice, to make himself competent
to renew the attack with more probability
of success. The course pursued by mo-
dern Dandy suitors is radically different; so
far from being burdened with a pocket-bible,
a bare allusion to such an article would
prove decisively fatal. He anoints himself
with double distilled lavender water," puts
on his most enchanting smile, claps his
right hand to his heart, breathes a soft sigh
and a preparátory hem! and begins a long
course of disconnected, common-place, silly
rhodomontade, which is continued until the
lady is wise enough to laugh in his face, or
foolish enough to offer him her hand. In
the first instance, he whistles a cotillion,
wishes her a very good morning, and d-ns
her thenceforward on all improper occa-
sions: If he marries, he becomes her slave


PHILADELPHIA AMUSEMENTS.
67
during the honey-moon, and makes her mi-
serable during the remainder of her life.
It would require a volume in itself to
trace the long series of changes which
have taken place since the foundation of our
city, and at length originated, among other
luxuries, the desire of fictitious pleasures,
emanating from public spectacles and
amusements. There are few institutions of
this nature which do not, in a greater or
less degree, affect the purity and morals of
society. Our citizens, however, have not
yet acquired that depravity of taste, which
can endure those of the worst nature, and,
fimited as the number fortunately is, a great
proportion of our exhibitions produce little
or no evil effect.
At the present time two Dramatic Com-
panies exist in Philadelphia;-the winter
Tivoli theatre, and the theatre, Walnut
Street. The former consists principally of
performers too inferior to be admitted on
the boards of more regular threatres, or too
well satisfied of their own abilities to be de-
graded in the capacity of mutes and scene-
shifters, whilst they may figure as first-rates
in Prune Street: this minor institution, al-
though fitted up with peculiar taste and


68
PHILADELPHIA AMUSEMENTS.
neatness, is in fact adapted, both in quality
and price, to those classes, without whose
support it would entirely fail in opposition
to the Walnut Street theatre.
The splendid preparations made by the
managers of the latter establishment, and
the anticipated arrival of Mr. Kean, will
afford attractions to the lovers of the drama,
during the ensuing season, little less invi-
ting than those arising from the masterly
delineations of George Frederick Cooke.
To the introduction of stage-players our
worthy progenitors were particularly oppo-
sed, and many obstacles were encountered
before they became perfectly naturalised
amongst us: it is a question of much doubt
whether the amusement or instruction de-
rived from their introduction are sufficient
to compensate for its attendant evils.
The Fair Penitent' and Miss in her
Teens' were the first theatrical performan-
ces attempted in Philadelphia, on the 15th
day of April, 1754. A building, originally
used as a store-house, was the place of ex-
hibition, situate on the east side of Water,
near Pine Streets. Another, better adapted
to the purpose was soon after erected, by
the same company, at the southwest corner


PHILADELPHIA AMUSEMENTS.
69
of Cedar and Vernon Streets. Great influ-
ence was used to prevent a continuance of
theatrical exhibitions, and many petitions
were presented to the legislature upon the
subject. Friends (Quakers) were uniform-
ly opposed to them: in 1754, the synod of
Presbyterians united their influence with
the popular prejudices, and petitioned the
governor and legislature to prohibit all thea-
trical performances.*
The sons of Thespis enjoyed a humorous
and satirical revenge, by immediately an-
nouncing for exhibition the Tragedy of
Douglass, by the Rev. Mr. Home, minister
of the Kirk of Scotland.'+
Mr. Hallam, (commonly called the father
of the American stage,) in conjunction with
Mr. Henry, erected the South Street thea-
tre, some time before the revolutionary war:
during the latter period, the whole theatrical
corps sought refuge in the West Indies, but
on the declaration of peace returned to this
country. No exhibition, however, took
*In the year 1818, visiting theatres, as well as public
balls, gaming and horse racing, were forbidden by the con-
vention of the Protestant Episcopal Church of Virginia.
† Picture of Philadelphia; et seq.
G 2


70
PHILADELPHIA AMUSEMENTS.
place for a number of years, owing to pro-
hibitory state-laws.
In 1791 the new theatre, Chesnut Street,
was founded, and, when the building was
completed, a company from London under
the direction of Mr. Wignel, commenced
their career in the winter of 1793-94. In
1805 it was considerably enlarged and im-
proved, and in 1820 burnt to the ground.
The existing company, under the direc-
tion of Messrs. Warren and Wood, have
consequently been compelled to engage the
Olympic Theatre, Walnut Street, as the only
building suitable to the purpose; it was built
in 1809 by Messrs. Pepin and Breschard, and
adapted solely to equestrian performances;
in 1811, it was greatly improved by the ad-
dition of a theatre to the circus, after the
model of Sadler's Wells, and the depth of
the building increased from one hundred
to one hundred and forty feet: its dimen-
sions on Walnut Street (eighty feet) con-
tinue the same. The present alterations,
by which it is fitted for dramatic represen-
tations alone, are said to be honourable to
the taste and enterprise of the managers:
the amphitheatre is converted into a spacious
pit, the heavy dome has been removed, and


PHILADELPHIA AMUSEMENTS.
71
the stage been considerably enlarged. As
the losses incurred by the destructive fire
in Chesnut Street have not diminished the
exertions of the managers, it is reasonable
to anticipate an extensive display of fashion-
able patronage, during the ensuing season.
،
A curious evasion of the law prohibiting
theatrical performances, was made use of
in Boston, before its repeal in 1793, about
which period the first theatre was opened
in that city. The performers published bills
of the following description: On Monday
evening will be delivered at the exhibition
room in Broad Alley, a Moral Lecture, en-
forced by the affecting history of Jane Shore,
which will be alternately recited, by Messrs.
Harper, Powell, &c. &c: the evening's ex-
ercises to conclude with an Amusing Lec-
ture in the facetious narrative of Chronon-
hotonthologos!'
Concerts rank next to theatricals in fash-
ionable estimation, although we certainly
have but a moderate proportion of Catali-
nis: political orations, in this land of the
Patriot,' are also fashionably attended.
'Cotillion parties,' strictly speaking, are
not of a public nature, as subscriptions are
sought by invitation, and not demanded by


72
PHILADELPHIA AMUSEMENTS.
right: the gloominess of the times, spread-
ing over every section of society, has even
annihilated, for the present winter, those
agreeable assemblies.
Vauxhall and Tivoli constitute the gar-
dens of the city; they owe no support to the
patronage of fashion, and are consequently
in a languishing condition.
The Museum, Chesnut Street, is a fa-
vourite resort among strangers, during the
day, but owing to the heterogeneous nature
of the visitors, it is in general avoided by
the better class during the evening.-That
in Market Street, is well enough adapted to
the company by which it is supported.
There is an exhibition occasionally offer-
ed to the public, at which many fashionable
gentlemen are to be seen: it consists in wit-
nessing the follies of our fellow-creatures in
a state of intoxication, not occasioned by the
inordinate use of ardent spirits, but the more
effectual fumes of Nitrous Oxyde Gas.
According to hand-bills circulated through
the city, the fair-sex has imbibed a portion
of the exhilirating-mania, and those who
are philosophical enough to be the nightly
witnesses of its marvellous effects on the
constitution of man, may now have an op-


PHILADELPHIA AMUSEMENTS.
73
portunity of forming a comparative estimate
of its results on the constitution of woman:
it will be necessary, however, to enter a den
of iniquity, and view the 'last, best gift of
God' in the congregated odiousness of her
depravity. Have the constitutional autho-
rities no power to check public scenes of
immorality in whatever shape they may ap-
pear?
Mr. Southey said-foolishly enough-he
supposed the air of the highest heaven to be
composed of Nitrous Oxyde: if such actual-
ly be the case, there is not a sensible man
who has witnessed its effects in this world,
who can feel any desire to undergo them in
the next. This poisonous preparation sets
in motion the worst, or the most ridiculous
passions of the heart, manifested either in
turbulence and violence, or in simple laugh-
ing, and finical dancing! It overturns the
rational faculties, and takes away all self-
possession; its pleasures consist in a state of
forgetfulness similar to that produced by
excessive intoxication:-in one word it
transforms a reasonable being into a fren-
zied maniac.
The Academy of the Fine Arts, Sully
and Earle's gallery, West's painting, the


74
PHILADELPHIA AMUSEMENTS.
Court of Death, the Capuchin Chapel, the
Danae, Ariadne, and in general such tran-
sient works of art as may happen to possess
merit, or provoke curiosity, may be added
to the number of attractions operating up-
on the world of fashion.
1
Ladies of ton frequent few other public
places-excepting the streets-than those
already enumerated. Public balls, howe-
ver, (restricted to invited subscribers,) usu-
ally close the festivities of the 22d of Febru-
ary, a day sacred in the annals of our his-
tory.
This meagre catalogue of amusements
comprises the whole resort of fashionable
circles, during the winter months, indepen-
dent of private parties, which are sufficient-
ly numerous, and, owing to the limited
sphere of the first classes, generally compo-
sed of the same individuals.
The Atheneum is a favourite resort for
gentlemen: the greater part, however, con-
fine their literary researches to the columns
of the newspapers, which are collected from
all quarters of the continent, as well as from
Europe. The trial of the Queen of Eng-
land has given new attractions to this thri-
ving institution, in the shape of English


PHILADELPHIA AMUSEMENTS.
75
newspapers, containing the most indecent
and offensive examinations that ever disgra-
ced the annals of a British Parliament. In
our plebeian estimation, it is a most impu-
dent attempt to repudiate the wife of such a
man as George the Fourth, on the score of
inconstancy; and I think few disinterested
persons on this side of the Atlantic will re-
fuse to agree with an Eastern Editor, that
if the criminality of the Queen is incontesta-
bly established, it will precisely qualify her
for the company of her royal consort.
A
re-union might possibly create some confu-
sion in the domestic arrangements of the
Marquis of Hertford, but it is more probable
a family understanding would take place,
resulting in the appointment of Count Ber-
gami to a distinguished situation in her
majesty's house-hold. He might be no-
minated first lord of her majesty's bedcham-
ber, and perform the duties of his station,
without fear of a Milan commission, or the
non mi ricordos of perjured Italians. On
the other hand the king would be relieved
from the dread of encountering new lord
Yarmouths in the new perambulations in
which he would be compelled to engage!


76
PHILADELPHIA AMUSEMENTS.
The Philadelphia Library would be a
fruitful source of amusement and instruc-
tion to the fashionable circle, if literature
had not, in general, been denounced as 'ex-
cessively vulgar,'-always excepting works
of fiction and the Drama: in some instances,
however, La Belle Assembleé and Acker-
man's Repository are translated from the
black cases of the Library, to the satin wood
table of a belles boudoir.
But the extensive dissemination of know-
ledge and praise-worthy habit of reading,
originating from this useful institution, have
been of immense consequence to a great
proportion of our citizens. The plan of
the Library was suggested by Dr. Franklin,
and carried into effect in the year 1731.
The trifling sum of one hundred pounds,
collected by subscription, was the foundation
of the present library, now containing-to-
gether with the Loganian-about thirty-
thousand volumes! a charter of incorpora-
tion was obtained from the then proprieta-
ries of Pennsylvania in 1742, and a coali-
tion took place in 1769 with various other
detached library-companies, existing in Phi-
ladelphia.* The funds arising from the an-
*Preface to Catalogue.
1


PHILADELPHIA AMUSEMENTS.
77
nual payments of stockholders are devoted
to the purchase of American productions
of merit, and the importation of foreign
books, under the direction of gentlemen,
whose activity and intelligence have great-
ly contributed to promote the interests of
the institution. In all societies, however,
there are busy, meddling men, who are never
satisfied without obtruding themselves into
public notice, however ill-qualified they may
be to undergo public examination; rather
than remain in the safety of obscurity, they
encounter the dangers of popular ridicule,
and by dint of perseverance, positively con-
pel their fellow-citizens to recollect there
are such beings in existence;
'Half wits are fleas, so little and so light,
We scarce could know they live, but that they bite.**
This spirit has been, on several occasions,
excited in opposition to the present directors
without having produced any effect on the
good sense of the stockholders, who are too
well satisfied with the flourishing condition
of the institution, and the long tried ïntegri-
ty of their delegates, to gratify a petty ambi-
* Dryden.
H


78
PHILADELPHIA AMUSEMENTS.
tion, by hazarding a change in the direc-
tion.
Cocking, to which English ruffians are
so generally addicted, is limited to a very
small number of Philadelphia fashionables:
several cock-pits, however, exist in the
neighbourhood of the city, under the super-
intendence of men, who have nothing further
to dread from the opinion of the world.
Towards a certain quarter, there is one of
higher rank, to which some of our aspi-
rants have the misfortune to belong: this
barbarous predilection subsides with the
rude passions of youth, and I do not know
one veteran Cocker to disgrace the charac-
ter of our city.
The savage pleasures of public pugilism
would probably agree with the creed of
fashion, were it not for the benevolent in-
tervention of the law: Philadelphia has
never yet been disgraced by a regular Set-
to, and since the disappearance of Benson,
the art itself has not been supported by a
resident professor. I am not included among
those fastidious gentlemen, who are virtual-
ly opposed to the whole science of pugilism:
on the contrary it is, in my view, a manly
exercise, conducive alike to safety and


PHILADELPHIA AMUSEMENTS.
79
health. The lower orders of society, by ha-
bits of labour and education, are compara
tively gifted with a muscular strength, which
cannot be obtained in the lap of luxury and
indolence; to this corporeal superiority is
too often joined a low-bred insolence, and
a disposition to insult and abuse those who
are their superiors in all other respects.
The dissemination of the pugilistic art, not
attainable by the lower classes, would in
the course of time, gradually place the
weak on a footing with the strong, and final-
ly extirpate, by means of manual examples
suited to the capacities of the delinquents, the
overbearing impertinence of hack-drivers,
wood-sawyers, carters, and dray-men. To-
bacco-smoke would not be puffed in the fa-
ces of our ladies at every corner, nor white-
silk-stockings jostled into the gutters, by
every athletic and malicious porter. The
aristocracy of fashion and gentility would
be more clearly recognised, and the farce
of relative republican equality cease to or-
nament every ragged vagabond with the
same attributes as a gentleman. Stump-
orators may persuade the outlaw or the re-
negado, that the moment he sets his foot
upon our shores, he is made equal to the


80
PHILADELPHIA AMUSEMENTS.
best blood of the land, but in all civilised
societies, an aristocracy must and will ex-
ist, either founded on letters, family, or for-
tune: it is either a de jure, as existing in
Great Britain, or a de facto aristocracy, as
existing in this country; and the power thus
enjoyed by blood, by riches, and by learning,
is as extensively exercised, and produces as
great an effect over the minds of the lower
orders of people.
Horse racing is interdicted by law, al-
though the respective courses at German-
town and Bristol have, within a few years,
been devoted to that amusement;-perhaps
innocent and serviceable in itself, no feel-
ings of gratification, no improvement in the
breed, can at all compensate for the wide
encouragement to intemperance and gam-
bling afforded by the sufferance of turfs-
men.
Private trotting matches are more fre-
quent, being confined, in general, to thriving
butchers, industrious bakers, designing ta-
vern-keepers, and gentlemen horse-jockeys.
Hunting is quite incompatible with the
delicacy of high life, although a club of en-
terprising gentlemen formerly supported a


PHILADELPHIA AMUSEMENTS.
81
kennel of fox-hounds in the neighbourhood
of this city.
Sporting, which is decidedly too fatigu-
ing to be endured by the pampered frames
of our exquisites, is more generally known
in theory than in practice: Platina-bushed,
double-twisted barrelled, patent-breeched
fowling-pieces, with water-proof, rolling
locks, hair-triggers, and all other modern
improvements, patent double shot-pouch-
es, beautifully ornamented two-pound-
powder flasks, and capacious game bags,
with all manner of apparatus, are generally
included among the paraphernalia of a Phi-
ladelphia blood. He is followed by a brace
of lazy, fat, pampered pointers, branded of
course, and talks most knowingly of right-
and-left shots, winging grouse, and earthing
partridges: but this constitutes the extent of
his knowledge, and if the necessity of pre-
serving some degree of consistency, or the
charms of a sporting frolic-which are most
powerful-force him annually into the field,
he always contrives to associate with more
experienced marksmen, and practical sports-
men, who are benevolent enough to sup-
port his credit by concealing his defects.
Although he may not have bag'd a single
H 2


82
PHILADELPHIA AMUSEMENTS.
bird, he returns home loaded (according to
sporting rule,) with his proportion of the
general prey, talks most valiantly (according
to sporting rule,) of having missed but one
bird in fifteen successive shots, and does
not (contrary to sporting rule,) recover from
the exertion of following his companions,
for some weeks to come: the whole appara-
tus is then carefully deposited in a secure
place, until the next annual excursion.
Such is a brief outline of a portion of
those amusements, by which the idle child
ren of fashion are relieved from the con-
stant empire of ennui, and which contribute
to the important object of Killing Time.'
6


CHAPTER VI.
SPOILED CHILDREN.
Shaksp
Let me have a child at fifty.
As with soft accent round her neck he clings,
And cheek to cheek her lulling song she sings,
How blest to feel the beatings of his heart,
Breathe his sweet breath, and kiss for kiss impart.
Rogers.
CHILDREN are pretty much the same all
over the world: it is in their education alone,
that a great variation is originated, which
grows with their growth, and strengthens
with their strength. Separate a Chinese in-
fant from its parents at the moment of its
birth, nurture it in a christian country, con-
fer upon it a careful education, and it will
be in vain to search for any characteristic
marks of its nativity; indeed, the change of
climate, of manners, and of customs, would
in some degree destroy even the singularity
of personal distinction.


$4
SPOILED CHILDREN.
It is doubtful whether-laying aside con-
stitutional defects,-one being is brought in-
to the world, gifted with higher powers than
another; or, what is precisely the same thing,
ordained and predestined to excel when it
has just reached the threshold of life. Poeta
nascitur non fit is, according to my view,
a very absurd maxim, notwithstanding the
counteracting testimonies of Bloomfield, or
Hogg, or Cleveland, or Clare: some pecu-
liar infantine association of ideas, perhaps
not clearly comprehended by themselves, are
the acting principles which form Poets of
nature; at an age when the mind is suscep-
tible of every impulse, and open to every
impression, it may receive, from a particu-
lar conjunction of circumstances, a distinct
bias which will remain its distinguishing
feature through life;-but its origin is not in
the womb.
The bodily disposition has a material ef
fect on that of the mind; nor is it confined
to the infant alone, which is often destined,
through the defects of its parents, to eke out
a life of miserable inutility. But this is con-
fined solely to whatever effect may be pro-
duced by the inheritance, or casual posses-
sion of bodily indisposition, acting upon the


SPOILED CHILDREN.
85
mental feelings of the infant through the first
stages of nature, and acquiring strength as
it progresses towards maturity: a youth of
suffering seldom fails to produce a melan-
choly, a testy, an impatient, or, perhaps, a
criminal disposition. Yet the mental tem-
perament of the parent can have no influ-
ence over that of the child; it might as well
be said that a highwayman and a murderer
produce highwaymen and murderers,-that
a judge produces a lawyer, or a professor of
physic, a young apothecary: all these off-
spring may, in all probability, follow the
steps of their fathers, naturally receiving a
pre-disposition to embrace the course of life,
in the daily contemplation and knowledge
of which they have been educated. The
sons of seamen generally become sailors,
and a flourishing cordwainer bequeaths his.
stock, customers, and talents to his posteri-
ty;- -yet cabin-boys and shoemakers are
made, not born. But, notwithstanding the
universality of this bias, it may be super-
seded by others, sufficiently powerful to over-
come every obstacle to their expansion, and
force the possessor from the paternal path;
it is confined to no particular station, and
equally sways the peasant and the prince,-
-


86
SPOILED CHILDREN.
the maker of kingdoms, and the maker of
shoes. It is originated by a peculiar series
of impressions, adapting the tone of, and
operating upon minds, free from counter-
vailing dispositions.
This inclination of the mind, so myste-
riously received and so powerful in its ope-
ration, is the acting principle that enobles
or degrades man; it leads him along the
path of fame and virtue, or seduces him in-
to the by-ways of shame and wickedness;
it bids him plod along through life without
an effort, or urges him to rise above the level
marked out to him by the situation of his
progenitors; it makes him happy or misera-
ble, great or insignificant. The offspring of
the wisest men have been consigned to the
cells of a hospital, or loaded with the curse
of hopeless idiotism; the children of the best
fathers have perished in the gloom of a pri-
son, or amid the horrors of a public execu-
tion. The sons of parents "broad-blown in
crimes," have shaken off the seeds of corrup-
tion, and stood forth in the loveliness of vir-
tue; and the unlettered boor, or the mechanic
without one idea elevated above his handi-
craft, have given life to constellations of the
first magnitude in the sphere of literature.


SPOILED CHILDREN.
87
If we look back to the early days of Gifford,
the elegant translator of Juvenal, the ac-
complished satirist, we find he was a shoe-
maker! If we look among the dramatic
writers, we find that Holcroft was a shoe-
maker! If among the poets, Bloomfield was
a shoemaker! If among the stars of oriental
literature, Dr. Carey was a shoemaker!
However difficult it may be, either to par-
ticularise the exact period of acquired pre-
disposition, or analyse the secret operation,
or describe the almost imperceptible causes
that influenced the adoption of a mental bias
so opposite to their actual situation in life,
and induced them to encourage, by subse-
quent education, the propensities of their
minds, it appears more probable that such
was (and ever will be) the case, than to be-
lieve it accompanied them into the world.
Such is the importance of early attention
to the education of children, and such are
the solemn duties attached to the situation
of a parent
I have been led to make these observa-
tions after a short visit to a young cousin of
mine, with a good husband, a fine looking
boy, and a charming little girl. I love chil-
dren, and their innocent prattle, and can


88
SPOILED CHILDREN.
make all due allowance for the vehemence
of their uncontrolled passions; but if there is
any thing in human nature, calculated to
strengthen the vows of a bachelor, it is a
spoiled child!
My cousin Harriet, some six years ago,
was the soul of gayety: she was not quite
eighteen, beautiful as Hebe, and as much
admired as Penelope. Her life had been a
soft dream, in which bright and happy vi-
sions floated in endless succession before
her: she trod upon flowers, and lived upon
their fragrance. Sorrow was known but in
name, happiness revelled in continued re-
ality: her sparkling eyes had never been
quenched in tears, nor her blooming cheeks
blanched in suffering. She was the centre
of attraction-the toast of the town-the
focus of admiration-the rallying point of
fashion. Her power was undisputed, and
crouds of suitors bowed before her.
--
These were the halcyon days of her life,
when the buoyancy of youth was rendered
more elastic by the animation of unruffled
spirits, and the invigorating influence of uni-
versal admiration.
She married:-and a brighter dawn never
ushered a happier pair into the morning of


SPOILED CHILDREN.
89
life. Adored by each other, beloved by all,
and revelling in riches, they entered the
matrimonial career.
But I pass over the earlier stages of their
happiness: so blissful was their existence,
they scarcely seemed to live: it resembled a
long trance, opening to their view the beau-
ties and the holiness of a better world. When
the beautiful Harriet placed a lovely babe
into the arms of its fond father, one might
have thought that the spirits of angels had
descended among the little group, so per-
fect was their happiness. Alas! that it should
have been the germe of its destruction.
Little Alfred was the delight of his young
mother, and the pride of his young father;
he was a prodigy in size,-a miracle in
beauty; such blue eyes had never been seen,
and such fat cheeks had never been created.
Half a dozen aunts found as many distinct
marks of personal excellence, and thrice the
number of cousins recorded their testimony
in favour of the incomparable baby. Such
a heavenly disposition had been hitherto un-
known: if he fretted, he was certainly sick,
and if he laughed, he was certainly dandled
and pestered until he fretted. Whether
awake or asleep, his anxious mother was in
continual apprehension: if he would not sleep
I


90
SPOILED CHILDREN.
at the usual time, some horrible accident
had deranged his nervous system, and if he
would not wake, an unnatural torpor was
apprehended. If the door was opened in
July, he was guarded by a Cashmere shawl-
if in December, by the addition of two fur
mantles: if he sneezed, he was imprisoned in
the nursery
for a week, and if he coughed,
two physicians were immediately called in!
Time passed along, during which the once
gay and fashionable Harriet was a voluntary
prisoner in her own house, subjected to a
thousand needless alarms, and dispirited by
a constant succession of maternal, but mis-
placed anxiety. Confinement blighted the
bloom of her cheek, and sleepless nights
dimmed the lustre of her eyes: she seemed
alive only to the health and safety of her
first-born; fancied ills created a regular state
of apprehension, but when sickness actually
appeared, her feelings were frenzied.
Alfred, however, survived the attacks of
disease, and-still more astonishing-the
kindness of his nurses: during this period
he triumphed over the measles, and the
hooping-cough-was vaccinated-had the
croupe twice, and the mumps once-sneez-
ed and coughed sundry times-cried al-


SPOILED CHILDREN.
91
ways-and had several attacks of pain in
the stomach. The fond mother has enabled
me (in common with her acquaintance,) to
be thus particular, as the plague in London,
the cholera morbus in Bengal, or the yellow
fever in Philadelphia, are not more reli-
giously remembered, or solemnly alluded to,
than the sufferings of little Alfred.
Young as he was, he had occasioned much
domestic disquiet. A dozen nurses had ad-
ministered to the wants of the precious in-
fant in as many months. One was discharged
for giving him burnt pap;-another for
scratching his arm with a pin;—a third, for
treading upon his silver rattle, which occa-
sioned a severe fit of crying, supposed to
have caused a slight inflammation in one of
his eyes;--a fourth, for immoderate eating,
supposed to have imparted a gross habit to
the infant, and occasioned a small pimple
to appear in the corner of his mouth;-a
fifth for permitting the child to cry several
minutes without calling its mother;-a
sixth, for crossing the street with Alfred in
her arms (a carriage being in sight,) contra-
ry to express orders;-a seventh, on account
of the ugliness of her face, which might
convey a correspondent impression to the


92
SPOILED CHILDREN.
susceptible features of the baby;--an eighth,
for a visual obliquity, which Harriet ima-
gined little Alfred sometimes endeavoured
to imitate;--a ninth, for having been crossed
in love, and thereby rendered unfit to afford
that cool and refreshing sustenance adapted
to the preservation of health;-a tenth, for
having drawn a prize in a lottery, producing,
from excess of joy, an equally prejudicial
effect; the eleventh died of a consumption,
brought on from sudden change of diet from
fat pork, raw cabbage, and dough dump-
lings, in the country, to water-gruel, panado,
and chicken-broth, in town, at that time
considered indispensable in promoting the
health of the child;-and finally, the twelfth
was turned out of doors, for removing a
white-damask-double counterpane from the
cradle, one hot evening in August!
Nor were these evils limited to the nurses:
several footmen were discharged on various
accounts; one for slamming a door and irri-
tating the baby's nerves;-another, for ne-
glecting to remove a boot-jack, which might
have overturned the nurse had she passed
at that time with Alfred in her arms;—and
a third for washing the outside of the win-
dows while Alfred was in the room.
One
-


SPOILED CHILDREN.
93
cook-maid was dismissed for having over-
loaded the child's stomach with a mint-drop,
and a poor coachman lost his place, because
he suffered a pair of young mettlesome horses
to break their walk while Alfred was in the
carriage. Even his mother's sister had near-
ly fallen into disgrace, because she would
not permit him to play with a new lace veil,
and his uncle Jack was hardly forgiven, for
refusing his jewelled chronometer.
It was a general rule, as he advanced in
years, to allow him to follow his own will:
he had every thing he cried for, and he cried
for every thing. His young mother esta-
blished it as a principle, that opposition
would only increase the violence of his tem-
per, and that concessions would tend to pro-
duce that happy equanimity attendant upon
gratified desires; besides which, violent fits
of crying were destructive to health, and
sudden gusts of passion might rupture a
blood vessel.
The father is a sensible man, and after the
lapse of three or four years, the first burst
of paternal feeling having considerably sub-
sided, he began to consider the necessity of
imposing a salutary restraint upon the head-
strong passions of his son. The task was
I 2


94
SPOILED CHILDREN.
difficult, and when, after repeated efforts,
he absolutely forced himself to apply manual
chastisement, the fond mother looked upon
him with horror and disgust: the sobbing
child was taken to her bosom, loaded with
maternal regrets and caresses, which at
length were re-echoed by the repentant fa-
ther, and was thus encouraged by every
thing but words, to commit the same faults
for which he had been punished. New out-
rages, however, called for a repetition of
chastisement: the father corrected, the mo-
ther consoled, and the child sinned again.
At length the birth of a daughter furnish-
ed new claims to the attentions of Harriet,
who, by occasional punishment, had already
begun somewhat to coincide in the opinions
of her husband, relative to the management
of her son.
But before this union of senti-
ment was effected, the ungovernable boy
had inflicted many a severe pang in the
breasts of his parents. They-who loved so
affectionately, that their very existence seem-
ed to centre in each other-were not proof
against the frailties of our nature. Often did
the big tear roll down the cheek of Harriet,
as her husband expatiated upon the folly
and criminality of indulging the way-ward


SPOILED CHILDREN.
95
passions of youth, and the heavy responsi-
bility attached to the mother, who nurtured
and fomented the evil seeds of her child's
disposition; and often did the contracted
brow of the father frown upon the wife,
whose maternal solicitude deprecated the
cruelty and inutility of infant correction.
But those moments were like black clouds
passing over a bright moon; for a moment
all is dark, but light bursts forth again in
renovated splendour.
But alas! the clouds grew darker and less
fleeting. The daughter was educated in the
footsteps of the son; her sex demanded the
most careful attentions, and as a “first
daughter," she was most dear to the heart
of her mother. The father remonstrated,-
the mother was inexorable. The son now
callous to punishment, peevish in his dispo-
sition, ungovernable in his passions, regard-
less of truth, eternally in mischief, an annoy-
ance to the whole household, the dread of
visitors, was in vain pointed out as a warning
beacon. The disposition of a female would
preclude the possibility of a like result; her
sex would not endure a mode of treatment
that might have been advantageously ap-
plied to the son: and in fine, the father, more
-――


96
SPOILED CHildren.
than half disposed to indulge his newly
awakened feelings, surrendered in part to
the arguments of Harriet, and the little
Amelia bids fair to become a second Alfred.
But this continued mismanagement was
not conducted without repeated altercations,
and the happy couple, who once looked up-
on a difference of opinion as beyond the
regions of possibility, are now involved in
the most trifling disputes.
Poor Harriet casts many a lingering
glance towards those youthful days, when
her will was absolute, and the lustre of her
smile was reflected from a thousand admir-
ing adorers; when one glance from her blue
eye, or one word from her coral lips, were
gifts precious as the mines of Potosi! Hang-
ing over the couch of a sick child, or sooth-
ing the passions of a spoiled one, she often
meditates on the "olden time," when free
as the breeze of heaven, she laid down to
rest only to awaken to a new day of happi-
ness and triumph.
The lustre of her eye is fled; the rose is
withered on her cheek; her lip is pallid, and
neglect has fixed its empire in her whole
person. Spiritless and wretched, the morn-
ing of her days is wasted in unavailing re-


SPOILED CHILDREN.
97
pentance. The affections of her husband
gradually weakened, the offspring of their
union converted into sources of discord and
desolation; the past, all felicity, and the fu-
ture, all pain, the once blooming belle is
but the shadow of her former self.
——
I leave this subject to the serious consi-
deration of all parents, confident as I am,
that it is oftentimes in an early stage of
childhood, that the mind of man receives
that important pre-disposition, commonly
called a natural faculty, which is to be his
ruling star through the night of this world,
and lead him to distinction or disgrace. "He
that spareth the rod hateth his son; but he
that loveth him chasteneth him betimes."


CHAPTER VII.
ELECTIONS.
Thy frank election make; thou hast power to chuse.
Shakspeare.
So did this town, with steadfast zeal,
Weave cobwebs for the public weal,
Which when completed, or before,
A second vote in pieces tore:
They met, made speeches, full long-winded,
Resolved, protested, and rescinded:
Addresses signed, then chose committees,***
M'Fingall.
WHEN the passions of party are excited,
the annual election in Philadelphia becomes
a scene of violent commotion.
A large proportion of our citizens being
opposed to the late system of non-intercourse,
the embargo, and subsequent war with Great
Britain, the contemporary elections were at-
tended with peculiar animosity, and not sel-
dom disgraced with fighting and bloodshed.
Mobs composed of the dregs of each party,
1


ELECTIONS.
99
and encouraged by more respectable parti-
sans, paraded the streets, and too often
transformed the theatre of elective franchise
into a reversed aristocracy, where the su-
preme power was lodged in the hands of the
mobility! Peaceable citizens were driven
from the ground, or quietly surrendered their
privileges, rather than hazard the dangers of
the fray.
At that time if men cried aloud for peace,
they were "traitors;" and if they opened
their mouths in support of war, they were
"war-hawks:" French interest swayed the
man who cursed the Orders in Council, and
British gold lined the pockets of him who
condemned the Berlin and Milan decrees.
Those troublesome times have gone by,
and our elections are now conducted with
a goodly proportion of moderation, manually
speaking; but verbal altercation and abuse
suffer little or no diminution.
Curiosity has often tempted me to exam-
ine into the whole routine of elections: with
the view of accomplishing this object, I at-
tended the preparatory ward meeting, voted
at the ward election, and pursued my final
researches at the general election in Octo-
ber. It was a fatiguing task, but patience
168380


100
ELECTIONS.
and perseverance bore me along; not a few
patriots have gained a seat in the Common
Council itself, by following, during some
eight or ten years, the very course I have
adopted; indeed I received a pretty broad
insinuation from a respectable foreigner,
that a few years perseverance might place
me in the road to preferment, in the capacity
of a member of the committee of vigilance.
Pursuant to public notice, I attended the
meeting of citizens residing in our ward, at
the house of Mrs., and was ushered
into a room somewhat larger than an ordi-
nary clothes-press. The meeting had been
organized, and consisted of the chairman
and secretary, together with two quiet look-
ing gentlemen, modestly seated in a corner.
The chairman having stated the object
of the meeting, expatiated at considerable
length upon the proud rights of American
freemen, and the glorious immunities of uni-
versal suffrage, during which the secretary
fell asleep, and the two gentlemen went to
the bar to talk with the landlady, over a pot
of beer. He at last came to a conclusion in
the following words:-"Yes, gentlemen, it
is indeed a proud source of congratulation,
that in this favoured land of liberty, every


ELECTIONS.
101
individual, acknowledging allegiance to the
government, is interested in the appointment
of its officers; that every office, however
important, is either directly or indirectly fill-
ed by the mighty will of the sovereign peo-
ple: therefore, gentlemen, it becomes my du-
ty to submit to this respectable meeting, the
appointment of two Inspectors and one As-
sessor for this ward."
The violence with which his fist-clench-
ed in oratorical energy---came in contact with
the table, roused the meeting, and the ab-
sentees, finding the oration was concluded,
returned to their stations among the citizens
of the ward.
"Il a traité cela bien au long;" said the
Frenchman, taking a pinch of snuff.
"Who shall nominate the Inspectors?"
demanded the chairman.
"The chairman," quoth the secretary.
I mentioned the name of an old and re-
spectable inhabitant, but the chairman shook
his head significantly. A decent pause en-
sued, when the chairman nominated the
secretary: another decent pause, and the
secretary nominated the chairman.
"Shall these be Inspectors for the ward?"
said the chairman.
K


! 102
ELECTIONS.
One of the meeting nodded his head, and
the other chimed in.
"Who shall be Assessor?" again inquired
Mr. Chairman. Not a word!-the question
was repeated; still not a word; and for three
very sufficient reasons. One of the meeting
was an Irishman, who did not know an in-
dividual in the ward, the other was a French-
man, who did not comprehend a syllable that
was spoken, and as for myself, the bad suc-
cess of my first nomination gave me no en-
couragement to hazard a second.
•
At length the secretary nominated the
chairman's brother, and the appointments
were complete, excepting a committee of
vigilance, consisting of fifty! It required con-
siderable exertion of memory on the part of
the chairman and secretary, but they at
length filled up the number, among which
were my two fellow citizens: the forward
spirit I had manifested at the commence-
ment of the business deprived me of the
honour of an appointment.
Cigars" the never failing accompani-
ment of all American assemblies"-and a
bottle of wine, had been called in, and the
Monthly Magazine.


ELECTIONS.
103
officers of the meeting ought, in all con-
science, to have liquidated the bill: the mer-
ry son of Erin, however, (upon a motion
for adjournment, made by the secretary, and
carried by the chairman) finished the bottle,
while the ex-president deposited the remain-
ing cigars in his pocket.
"Helas!" cried the citoyen, “notre pays
ici se trouve dans une situation affreuse;-
mais, enfin, c'est un pays de cocagne!"
The next morning at breakfast, I observed
the proceedings of the preceding evening in
the papers, comprehending an analysis of
the chairman's address, delivered "to a large
and respectable meeting of the inhabitants
of Ward!!" I afterwards learned the
same address had been annually delivered
for many years, by the same worthy chair-
man.
The steps of the common political ladder
in this city, are, to a certain height, gradual
and easy of ascent: a wide gap then inter-
venes, which few adventurers are able to
surmount; the great majority fall through
into their original nothingness, or if they
gain a precarious grasp, are readily shaken
off by the next more competent competitor.
After reaching the acme of city legislation,


104
ELECTIONS.
this unfortunate gap opens before a seat in
the legislature of the state, and the next
breach becomes almost impracticable.
The progress of a Philadelphia politician
is guided by system: at an early age the ad-
venturer becomes the constant attendant of
constable's elections and ward meetings-
comes to be a member of committees of
vigilance is the most industrious ticket-
folder on the committee-parades the elec-
tion ground with placards-distributes tick-
ets-rides about in carriages papered over
with caricatures and party manifestos-bul-
lys his adversaries, and contrives to get a
black eye or a broken head!-After a time
he attracts the attention of the incumbents,
who from time immemorial, have annually
filled the offices appertaining to our city dis-
tricts, and comes to be a clerk and a secreta-
ry: his views now begin to expand, and he
is racked with all the torments of political
jealousy: he takes especial care to be first
comer at all public meetings, that he may
possess at least that claim to the office of
secretary. If a rival succeeds, he passes a
sleepless night, and if his ambitious projects
are realised, he rises at day-light to see his
name in the morning papers.
-


ELECTIONS.
105
"
He now possesses an excellent chance-
provided he is a bon vivant-of becoming a
clerk of the general election and dining in the
State-House-Hall; and should any of the in-
cumbents happen to leave this world of mi-
sery, he may possibly step into their shoes
as a judge of the ward election or inspector
of the general.
There are now two courses to be pursu-
ed, equally calculated to promote the end
in view.
Should the aspirant, be a prudent young
man, he assumes a sanctimonious exterior,
writes religious tracts, and prates about the
abolition of slavery. He attends all chari-
table meetings, becomes a member of the
Orphan Asylum, and a distributor of wood,
subscribes to the house of industry, and
ladles out soup to the poor: he ferrets out
families in distress-furnishes them with
petitions and subscribes his own name in
large characters at the head of the list: he
becomes guardian of the poor, manager of
the alms house, and contributor to the hos-
pital. He insinuates himself into all chari-
table associations as manager, secretary, or
treasurer, and manages to appear continu-
ally in the daily prints in some benevolent
K 2


106
ELECTIONS.
capacity: he contributes to all beneficent
purposes of a public nature, if he has any
money, or contrives to become the collec-
tor, if he has not where-withall to make
himself munificently notorious. He will
kick a beggar out of his house in private,
and take him by the hand in the street.
All this appearance of sanctity readily
imposes upon the religiously-inclined mem-
bers of society, who are pretty generally
more conversant with the mysteries of the
next, than the wisdom of the present world.
The influence of a moral and religious man
is secretly felt even by the profligate, and
however unwilling he may be to acknow-
ledge the ascendency of virtue, he is more
or less guided by it in his public demeanour.
The political candidate having procured
the support of the better part of the com-
munity, finds himself in the broad road to
preferiment, and (provided his hypocrisy
continues undiscovered,) becomes a law-ma-
ker in the capitol at Harrisburg, or a city
regulator in the state-house at Philadelphia!
The other method is of a contrary na-
ture, and should either be prefered, is per-
haps most likely to ensure success. The
candidate must then frequent ale-houses, be


ELECTIONS.
107
6
a constant attendant at taverns, and not
even consider himself above Water-Street
oyster cellars and tippling shops: he must
become the boon companion, and hail fel-
low well met' of every blackguard in South-
wark, Moyamensing and Penn:-learn to
become an expert dog-fighter, and delight
in bull-baiting;-canvass the merits of an
ox with every butcher in Spring garden,
and talk about cattle-fodder and calves with
every booby in the Neck;-he must study
the History of the four kings,' and be
'cheek-by-jowl,' 'cap-in-hand,' and 'hand-
to-fist,' with every black-leg in the city;
-he must attend scrub races, wink
at his neighbour's wives, fondle his friend's
daughters, and swear like a trooper!-
A knowledge of cock-fighting is indis-
pensable; he must be an old cocker,-
know how to handle his cock,-fight half-
a-dozen mains per week,-be his own
matcher and feeder, keep a regular stive,
-and talk about gaffs and slashers, bloom-
ing stags and Shropshire reds like the ma-
nager of the cock pit royal! He must be
a bruiser' withal, and up to all the slang of
the fancy!-mill his man, fib his nob, spill
claret, darken day-lights, and plump peepers!
C
C
--
-


108
ELECTIONS.
-He must furthermore learn to play all-
fours, checkers, chuck-penny, snake, and
shuffle-board,--lose with a pleasant oath
and never win when he can avoid it. He
must attend all political meetings, and, if he
be a lawyer, never fail to make a speech; if
he be not gifted with ideas to compose, or
⚫oratorical powers to deliver an oration, he
must cryAy' to every thing in a sono-
rous tone of voice, and on proper occasions,
Hurra! like a Cossack.-In fine he must
laugh with fools, talk with scoundrels, shake
hands with every body in a shabby coat,
and walk arm in arm with every body in
shirt-sleeves!'
By these various means he gains an as-
cendency over the dissolute and idle, which
is skilfully and by degrees extended to het-
ter classes, and finally secures to him an
office of honour, or,--what is more enviable
-of profit.
At length the day appointed for the ward
election arrived, and I attended punctually
at 2 o'clock to assist in choosing its judges;
the real minority proved triumphant, owing
to the introduction of auxiliaries, drawn off*
from the over-plus of a neighbouring ward.
Nothing material occurred during the day,


ELECTIONS.
109
excepting the close examination of persons
who had never lived out of the ward, and
the easy acceptance of others who had never
lived in it. My two old acquaintances plied
their tickets at the door, jabbering their
respective tongues with a consequential vi-
vacity.
The second Tuesday in October ushered
in the day of the general election, when
every man entitled to record his vote, or
likely to be accepted, abandons his daily vo-
cation to regulate the affairs of the nation.
It is a scene of bustle and animation: the
healths of the favourite candidates are quaf-
fed as long as their names can be pronoun-
ced, and politicians expatiate on their me-
rits, as long as they can find any one to lis-
ten to them. Flags are displayed at the
various rendezvous, where any man may
get drunk gratis-provided he votes the
right ticket:' placards surmounted with lu-
dicrous and slanderous caricatures are post-
ed up at the corners, directing their abuse
according to the principles (I mean politi-
cal,) of the inventors; one tears down, whilst
another posts up--and both are knocked
down in the scuffle: the best invented false-
hoods are published in manifestos, as they


110
ELECTIONS.
excite more irritation from their plausibi-
lity.
*
The man, whose wife and children de-
pend upon the daily, labours of his hands
for support, leaves them without bread to
discuss the domestic vices of some unpopu-
lar candidate;—the drunkard hiccups forth
a moral lecture on his dissipated course of
life, and the official defaulter proclaims the
rottenness of his political principles. The
deeds of his childhood, the errors of his
youth, are all set forth in terrible array;
beardless politicians magnify into crying
crimes, faults that were committed before
they were born, and gray headed office-
hunters condemn errors in which they par-
ticipated. Patriotic Americans, born in all
the countries of christendom excepting
America, convert the theatre of election in-
to a lively representation of the Tower of
Babel.
"
As there appeared to be no serious dis-
turbance, I mingled in the crowd, and soon
found myself among a knot of politicians.
By the powers! and it's the land of fra-
dom, any how.'
'Parbleu! you may say dat, mon ami;-
it is de country of l'indépendence.'


ELECTIONS.
111
#
"Cot pless her! this is the crand tay for
the free-porn people!'
'If sic a day as the like could shine i' the
north of England, it would mak the blude
o' the borough-mongers a wee bit colder,
I'm of opinion.'
C
Hurra! fur Fintlee!-mit goot mens on
de dicket, and goot offishers in de stade,
we are de habbiest beebles in de worlt.'
'Hand the most brave and honourable!
-Ou would we hever ave hasserted hour
hindependence, hor umbled the hovergrown
hinsolence of hold Hengland with-hout bra-
very and honour?
Libertad y Indépendencia para los
Americanos!'
'Richessa, Felicita e Fama per sémpre!'
-French,--Welch,-Scotch,-
Irish,-
Dutch, English, Spanish,--and Italian
Americans!-
I registered my vote in
favour of the old Revolutionary Patriot, re-
turned home, retired to bed, and dreamed
of a CUCKOO'S NEST.
-


CHAPTER VIII.
LOTTERIES AND QUACKS.
Then is an ape, a doctor to such a man.
Shalesp.
Go teach eternal wisdom how to rule-
Then drop into thyself and be a fool. Pope.
As it regards the spirit of the crime,
Quack medicines are as much instruments
of murder as the dagger of an assassin, and
lotteries as much gambling as pharo or
vingt-un. In fact there is more probability
of escape in the first instance, and less
chance of loss in the second. The man
who undergoes a course of quack-medi-
cine, might as well swallow aconite, or ar-
senic; and he who adventures his capital
in a lottery, might as well cast it into the
high-way. Their food is the lives and for-
tunes of men.


LOTTERIES AND QUACKS.
113
Lotteries are the only legalised species
of gambling in this city, solely excusable by
the end for which they are instituted; but
the end cannot justify the means. Is that
church holy, which is built upon the hard
earnings of seduced and disappointed po-
verty? Can that monument be an honour-
able memorial, which owes its elevation to
the mite of the poor man, wrenched from
his suffering family, by the seductions of
its projectors?-Better would it be that not
canal should ever flow through our state,-
that no monument should ever be instituted,
-that no church should ever be erected,
than that it should be done at the expense
of public morals and private happiness.
İf, therefore, we examine minutely into
the nature of lotteries, we find the only plea
that can be advanced in their justification,
is the beneficial purposes for which they
are created. But the admission of such a
doctrine would subvert all our established
principles of equity and morality, because-
if once admitted-its circuit cannot be res-
trained, and it would operate with equal
force in all cases. False reasoning may
build up plausible excuses for the commis-
sion of every species of vices and crimes.
L


114
LOTTERIES AND QUACKS.
"
The evils of horse racing, and the immoral-
ity of turf-gambling are palliated by the im-
provement of the breed;-bull-baiting im-
parts new juiciness and tenderness to the
food of man;-and even cocking, the most
barbarous of all amusements, is gifted with
hypothetical advocates: Weighed, howe-
ver, in the balance of reason and fact,' says
Mr. William Henry Scott,' it is attended
with the least cruelty of all our diversions; I
shall be very expeditious with my proof.
The game cock is kept in a state of happi-
ness and comfort, until the day of battle, he
cannot then be forced, but in fighting is
actuated by his natural instinct--is, in fact,
gratified; and if he fall by his adversary's
weapon, he is the sooner out of the sense of
pain!*-Infanticide may find its supporters
among followers of the Stagyrite, and paren-
ticide be an act of mercy towards the gray
hairs, and venerable feebleness of our fa-
thers! Any individual might feel himself
justifiable in imitating the cobler of Messi-
na, who reformed the morals of the city by
assassinating all those who, according to the
test of his own judgment, were deserving of
Scott's British field sports.


LOTTERIES AND QUACKS.
115
punishment. In fine, the attainment of a
beneficial object would be sufficient to jus-
tify the means, however morally flagitious
they might be.
From those who are conscientiously oppo-
sed to gambling in a general sense, I would
demand, In what peculiar principles does a
lottery disagree with the worst species?--
The primordeal features are the same, the
progressive interest is at best equal, and to
a certain extent, the consequences are uni-
form: But the question naturally arises, if
such be its unison with the worst species of
gambling, in what degree is it excelled by
the best?
Such is the extent and variety of this
vice, that a graduated scale of games and
gaming, scientifically arranged in distinct
classes, could alone convey an idea of the
various degrees of guilt attached to its com-
mission. The dowager who plays picquet
for an eagle, cannot be compared to the fa-
ther of a family who gambles for a thousand:
the gentleman who wins a few dollars at a
loo-table, must not be estimated by the stan-
dard of the sharper, who entices youth, re-
vels upon inexperience, and sends ruin and
desolation to the mansions of happiness!


116
LOTTERIES AND QUACKS.
The arguments in favour of fair gaming
when opposed to lotteries, consist,-1. In
the respective chances-2. In the want of
correspondent inducements, and-3. In
the comparative limitation of its effects.
Firstly, with regard to the chances, on
which point little need be said. The risk
at fair gaming is equal, or if it vary, it is
attributable to superior skill or science: in
certain games, strictly speaking of chance,
there is no distinct advantage. In lotteries
the chances are, in general, as two or three
to one against the adventurer, (embracing
the whole body of minor prizes,) and as the
drawings proceed, a progressive increase in
the value of the stakes continues that advan-
tage; but laying aside those minor prizes,—
the gaining of which incurs the loss of a
high per centage on the original stake, and
which are, in fact, almost invariably re-in-
vested with additional loss,the chances
against success are almost incalculable.
With respect to the second objection, our
daily papers are crowded with overwhel-
ming evidence: every allurement that can
be supposed to operate upon the good and
bad, the old and young,-the rich and
poor,--the male and female,--is thrown out;


LOTTERIES AND QUACKS.
117
the bait is gilded with all the fascinations of
false reasoning and buffoonery, to attract
the wise man and the fool: even the sanctity
of the scriptures is made subservient to the
cause of legalised gambling;' Cast thy bread
upon the waters and after many days thou
shalt find it again!'
The third argument is equally unanswer-
able. The vice of illegal gaming is, from
its nature, limited in extent; but legalised
lottery gambling insinuates itself into all the
ramifications of society;-ten, fifteen, or
twenty thousand individuals are interested
in the sortilege! There is no boundary to
its influence; it enters the palaces of the
rich, and the cabins of the poor;-it leads
the man of fortune into temptation, and
adds new pangs to the delusive anticipa-
tions of indigence;-it originates and fo-
ments, under legislative sanction, a spirit of
gaming which gradually extends itself into
the most prejudicial forms;-it entices the
inexperienced into speculative trials of the
doctrine of chances, proved and tested in all
the manifold shapes of gambling;—it de-
ceives the indigent, and leads them to de-
pend upon hopeless expectations, for that
support and sustenance which should spring
L 2


118
LOTTERIES AND QUACKS.
from the industry of their habits, and the
labour of their hands.
If we look around among those fortu-
nate adventurers, who have gained the prin-
cipal prizes of a lottery, how few do we find
resolute enough to resist the sudden shock
of their good fortune! Riches easily attain-
ed, are heedlessly squandered: the man who,
never having possessed fifty dollars, finds
himself the master of fifty thousand, looks
upon it as a mine of wealth which can
never be exhausted; accustomed to subsist
by the earnings of daily toil, he possesses
few mental resources to relieve the ennui
of an idle life, and resorts to the gaming-
table for a continuance of good fortune, or
to the bottle for amusement. Elevated, in
point of fortune, to a sphere beyond the li-
mits of his manners and education, he strives
to outrival those, who owe to their birth the
advantages which he does not possess; he
endeavours to emulate in magnificence and
prodigality, the example of the great: he
becomes the prey of designing satellites,
who revolve round the sun of his riches.
At length his treasures become exhausted,
he is abandoned by the sycophants of his
prosperity, and sinks below his original level,


LOTTERIES AND QUACKS.
119
corrupted in morals and in health: the de-
cline of his fortune increases the irregular-
ity of his habits, and he becomes the vic-
tim of ebriety and disease. Such are the
rich, that have abundance and enjoy it
not.'
These remarks are not intended to injure
individuals: lottery brokers are not those, to
whom they are adapted; they are only the
instruments by which the machinery of le-
gislative gambling is set in motion, and con-
sequently objects of secondary considera-
tion; there are among that class, as amongst
most others, many estimable men.
I am thank heaven!-little skilled in
pharmacy, and utterly unable--for which
I am less thankful,-to distinguish quack
mixtures from regular physic;-poison by
courtesy from poison by law!--but I verily
believe the title of M. D. is not, in all ca-
ses, an absolute obstacle to empiricism, and
that there are in the world many physicians,
with diplomas in their pockets, not more
worthy of trust than a German horse-doctor,
or a London veterinary surgeon!
With this lack of knowledge, it would sa-
vour of presumption, to stamp the character
of quackery on all the infallible remedies


120
LOTTERIES AND QUACKS.
which are offered to the world; I have there-
fore resolved, without hazarding a judgment
upon their merits, to select as proper instru-
ments of elucidation, such stuffs as are not
officially recognised by the university pro-
fessors, and owe the major part of their
renown to the circulation of the newspa-
pers.
Let us exempli gratia--select a certain
Patent Specific Ointment, (price $1) which
may nevertheless be a very successful reme-
dy; according to certain certificates, with
certain names in due form attached, it ought
to be classed amongst the most invaluable
treasures of the pharmacopolist. It cures
the worst felons or whitlows in 48 hours!
and is, moreover, "a certain remedy for
those obstinate diseases, some of which have
so long baffled the skill of medical science,"-
chilblains, burns, scalds, tetters, sprains,
bruises, rheumatism, tumors, sore legs, ul-
cers, and white swellings!
But a few certified facts are worth whole
volumes of words. It has carried happiness
and health into the most unfortunate fami-
lies: a hapless housekeeper had a wife with
a "mortification in her arm," a son with a
"mortification in his ear," a daughter with


LOTTERIES AND QUACKS.
121
66
"scalded arms and hands," a boarder with
a sore leg," and withal, a neighbour with
a burnt child!" What a congregation of trou-
bles! But behold the result: the all-powerful
unguent was applied, and the wife's arm
cured, two or three plaisters saved the
son's ear, and in fifteen minutes the daugh-
ter recovered the use of her hands! The
boarder's case was more desperate; his sore
leg was of long standing, and had baffled
every application that had been made; so
hopeless, indeed, was it, that he actually
"offered to serve his master one year over
his time, if he would by any means get it
cured!" Luckily for the master, he had
heard of the Patent Specific Ointment,—and
less than "one pot" made the leg "perfectly
sound in a short time!" The cure of the
neighbour's child was not less wonderful;
its neck and shoulders were dreadfully scald-
ed, so that "in taking off its linen, the skin
adhered to it in several places:" a plaister
was applied, and in "ten or fifteen minutes".
it was "perfectly easy and resumed its little
play!"
But the sphere of its usefulness has not
been circumscribed to any particular family.
A certain farmer had been afflicted with


122
LOTTERIES AND QUACKS.
6
6
6
'an ulcerated sore leg' for more than fif-
teen years,' and three boxes of the Ointment
made it sounder than ever! Another sufferer
was troubled with a painful ulcer,' origi-
nated from a severe fit of sickness, expe-
rienced about 20 years before;' less than
two boxes cured him! A third patient was
attacked with a 'violent rheumatic pain in
the ankle,' (which his physicians shrewdly
'suspected to be the gout,') and one plaister
cured it in a few hours! 'A black man'
chanced to be somewhat worsted in combat
with some man of his own colour,' who so
grievously ill-treated one of his knees,' that
he was obliged to take to his bed,' where
the poor man'lay six weeks without ever
moving the affected limb: his physician
'nearly gave him out,' and he was in 'a
hopeless condition;' his master at length pro-
cured a few boxes of this grand restora-
tive, which, (of course) soon effected a cure!
A fifth example of complete restoration, was
a man 'violently attacked with what he sup-
posed to be a large number of biles,' but
his physician, being of a different opinion,
'called them carbuncles:' every body who
saw him, thought he must certainly die, as
he had been dealt with for a length of time by
6
(


LOTTERIES AND QUACKS.
123
physicians! One box of the ointment, how-
ever, enabled him in a few days,' to pro-
secute his usual employment in perfect
health! The little son' of a gentleman,
'burnt his hand badly with a hot shovel;'
the ointment was applied, and in the course
of two minutes, the pain left his hand, and
the skin never came off nor blistered!"
،
But it is useless to multiply examples: the
following certificate alone would afford the
most satisfactory evidence of its sanative
powers.
6
SIR-Iran a large pitch-fork through my
foot, which, from the loss of blood, and pain,
disabled me from walking. I immediately
applied your ointment, which enabled me to
go to work next day.**
"
Far be it from me to disparage the authen-
ticity of these miraculous certificates: on the
contrary, I take honour to myself, for pro-
pagating, according to the best of my abili-
ties, the knowledge of the Patent Specific
Ointment.
It would require considerable time and
labour to analyse the system of puffing,
adopted by those medical gentlemen, who
*
6
Copied verbatim.


124
LOTTERIES AND QUACKS.
are too independent to encounter the irk-
someness of collegiate studies, and to whom
nature has been sufficiently lavish to obviate
the necessity of a collegiate examination:
but in very truth-if that quality appertain
to all the puffs in question,—our weekly bills
of mortality must be swelled out by the igno-
rance and incapacity of regularly educated
physicians! From what other cause can
consumption,' (that scourge of the human
race,) claim its melancholy precedence,
when we have a surgeon-dentist, within the
very walls of our city, who never failed in
'the most hopeless cases' to effect a per-
manent cure in THIRTY-FOUR DAYS?'-Why
should the cholera morbus claim so many
victims, in the very teeth of Dr. Robertson's
celebrated Stomachic Elixir of Health? Why
is not death stripped of its prerogative by
Dr. Godbold's Vegetable Balm of Life? If
the college of physicians, for the sake of
supporting and perpetuating the profession,
criminally unite in opposition to the earthly
immortality assured to us by the physicians
of nature, not for all this land would I be
guilty of so deep a sin.'
To descend to matters less important than
life and death, I would seriously demand of


LOTTERIES AND QUACKS.
125
all old maids, (worth $2) by what fatal
chance they permitted the bloom of their
cheeks to fade, having it in their power to
possess the fragrant Balm of Iberia? And
alas! the cruelty of mothers, who can tran-
quilly confide the sufferings of their children
to the frail prescriptions of the family physi-
cian, when they might buy a box of Dr. Ro-
bertson's Infallible Worm Destroying Lo-
zenges!
The tooth-ache may no longer afflict that
patient man, who reads the learned essays of
B. W-11--ms, or purchases the Infallible
Tooth-ache Drops of Dr. D-tt! Midnight
students, armed with a bottle of Circassian
Eye Water, may no more dread the suffer-
ings of a visual inflammation; and all Scot-
land may experience a glorious constitu-
tional revolution, through the medium of
Patent Itch Ointment.
There is a species of genuine quackery-
for, ignorant as I am, I do not pretend to
assimilate that quality with the remedies al-
luded to-which cannot be justified either on
the score of decency or truth, set forth in
hand-bills posted at the corners, and staring
our wives and daughters in the face, with
monstrous capitals and shameless expres-
M


126
LOTTERIES AND QUACKS.
sions. I make no remark on the bare-faced
extent of their professions, and the melan-
choly results of their ignorant prescriptions.
it is the notorious impudence, and knavish
impertinence, which thrust their vile impo-
sitions into notice, and transform the co-
lumns of our papers, and the corners of our
streets, into agents for the propagation of
immodesty and deceit, to which I call the
attention of the father, the husband, and the
brother. I know not whether such impos-
tors are worthy of legislative consideration;
whether our city legislators should suppress
the publication of their vulgar placards, or
whether the knaves should be sentenced to
a horse-pond, and drummed out of the city
by the verdict of the posse mobilitatis: I
make no exceptions, from the fortunate
practitioner, who rolls in his chariot, and
deals out wholesale destruction, to the ped-
dling pedestrian who travels with his physic
on his back.
I might now deliver a serious moral lecture
on the guilt, and the dangers of quackery;
but I am contented with saying unto those
who are deluded by its seduction, In vain
shalt thou use many medicines, for thou
shalt not be cured.'
6


CHAPTER IX.
LETTERS FROM LONG-BRANCH.
Too much of water hast thou, poor Ophelia!
Shakespeae.
Not youthful Kings in battle seized alive,
Not scornful virgins who their charms survive,
Not ardent lovers rob'd of all their bliss,
Not ancient ladies when refused a kiss,
Not tyrants fierce, that unrepenting die,
Not Cynthia, when her mantle's pinn'd awry,
E'er felt such rage, resentment, and despair,
As thou, sad Virgin!
**
Pope.
By one of those rare chances, which some-
times guide the destinies of things as well as
men, a number of epistles written at Long
Branch, have found their way into my hands:
of those which I have selected for my present
purpose, one was addressed to my cousin
Dashall by a brother "blood,"--a second, to
Dashall's sister, by a charming "belle,'
a third, to a maiden aunt, by a sister suf-
ور


128 LETTERS FROM LONG-BRANCH.
ferer, and a fourth, to my friend Positive,
by the father of the family.
FROM HARRY WILDAIR TO DICK DASHALL.
MY DEAR DICK,
Writing, you know, an't exactly the thing--
always find it curs'd hard work to get
through-never wrote but three letters in
my life; one to the old-man, from college, to
show my hand-writing, and get some cash-
(could'nt read it by-the-by;)-another to
old Tom Stirrup, about a gray 'racker'-
(had to call tho' to know what it meant)—
and the third, about love to a young lady,
who thought it was a quiz!-Devilish good,
eh? was'nt it?
We came to an anchor at Renshaw's about
a week ago, two days sail from Trenton;
turn'd in at Parker's, mess'd at Colt's Neck,
and brought up here at 8 o'clock in the even-
ing;-old chariot rumbled like a thunder-
gust-not quite so quick as lightning-two
miles and a half an hour by Roskell!-Tra-
velling with women a devilish bore--mothers,
sisters, and old aunts, the very devil--fathers
not over agreeable. Aunt Tabitha groaned
the whole way about a box of anti-bilious


LETTERS FROM LONG-BRANCH.
129
pills, left by mistake at Trenton;--sister
Frank had a touch of the sea-sickness from
riding backwards; and the old gentleman,
not over-pleased with the expedition, bawled
out every five minutes to the coachman to
drive slower!
Had to carry aunt Tab's lap-dog-fell
asleep-let it fall overboard-yell'd like an
Indian-darn'd sorry it was'nt killed--no
more bore. Took another nap while auntee
roused out a lecture. Trod on the old man's
gouty toe-gave me a d-n, and told me I
ought to be ashamed to irritate a parent, and
cause him to make use of improper lan-
guage!-thought it was queer, but can't ar-
gufy.
Nothing to do--opened a bundle-pulled
out a greasy night-cap-aunt Tab's:-saw a
pair of tight woollen drawers-sister Frank's:
All asleep-fair chance-peep'd again. One
bottle peppermint water, asthmatic elixir,
magnesia, anti-dyspeptic drops, rappee snuff,
pack of cards, flannel petticoat, rheumatic
tincture, new wig, false teeth, two love let-
ters from Philip Gobble, dated 1779, pocket
razors, shaving soap;-aunt Tab's!-Hoff-
man's Anodyne, opium pills, laudanum, eau
de Cologne, Windsor soap, corsets, whale-
M 2


130
LETTERS FROM LONG-BRANCH.
bone, pot of rouge, pommade double à la
rose, tooth-brushes, tooth-picks, and tooth-
powders, tweezers, false-curls, visiting-cards,
lip-salve, court plaister, huile-antique, eye-
glasses, eye-water, milk of roses, oil-cloth-
cap, dimity jackets, small-clothes;-sister
Frank's! Saw some books: Pocket Hoyle,
The Christian's Companion, Joe Miller, The
Book of Common Prayer, Cooke on Apo-
plexy, Carlisle on Old Age, The Devil upon
Two Sticks, Colebs in search of a Wife,
Buchan's Domestic Medicine;-aunt Tab's!
Roderick Random, Memoirs of Lady Ha-
milton, Little's Poems, Ovid's Art of Love,
Dream Book, The Victim of Sentiment,
Spirit of the Book, Philip's Speeches, Maid
with Seven Lovers; sister Frank's! Auntee
woke-caught me with a strengthening-
plaister in one hand, and a row of false teeth
in the other!-regular blow-up--pretended
to fall asleep, and so came off second best.
*
And so, Dick, we dragg'd along and
brought up safe at the Branch. Curs'd stu-
pid-girls too shy-married women most
agreeable--privileged characters--leave their
brats at home, and go to watering places
to flirt with the young men-send their hus-
bands back to take care of the children.--
pla


LETTERS FROM LONG-BRANCH.
131
Comfortable thing to be matronised by mar-
ried ladies-no scandal, and hear all the
young ladies' secrets.
No amusement here; will you believe it,
Dick? not even a billiard table! Hardly kill
time-can't bathe-water too cold, and surf
curs'd terrifying; can't walk on the beach-
sand shocking, and monstrous fatiguing.
Watch for the white-flag-ladies in the
surf-peep over the bank to see 'em dip-
horrible objects-quite shocking, Dick, I
aver!--oh! entirely offensive!-look more
like Macbeth's witches than nymphs of the
ocean--(learn'd that at the play-house) Bath-
ing too masculine for ladies-inakes the hair
harsh--lips too pale--deadens the eye! Look
like chamber-maids walking down to the
beach-no corsets-loose gowns---soiled
stockings-old shoes-no ruffles--callico
shawls-ordinary bonnets--O! Dick, it is
positively affecting to see the metempsycho-
sis--I mean metamorphosis, or some such
word!
In the morning take a touch of loo; poor
sport-no high-flyers----hang out at the co-
lony to keep clear of the old-ones----must
take a mint-julap---sea air requires it. Din-
ner bell rings-fat lobsters-lean crabs-


132 LETTERS FROM LONG-BRANCH.
horrid oysters-excellent fish-no sheeps-
head-bad beef-good mutton-so-so Cla-
ret, and d-d fine Madeira!
Women sit too long-want a cigar and
can't go it-drink a bumper all round-get
a little blue-girls want a frolic-jump into a
Jersey fish wagon-rattle off to Deal, Black
Point, Edenton, or the Light House-get
back an hour after sun-set-old ones look
black- -young ones look wise-devilish glo-
rious, Dick, to be knocked about in a hard
going wagon with a spirited girl along-side.
Tables cleared away-ball opens-few
dancers-no band-one poor Blackey, half
barber, half fiddler!-Only think of that,
Dick, and weep!-shaves and scrapes in the
morning, and scrapes half shaved in the
evening!-Dancing poor work in hot wea-
ther ladies look à la graisse-perspire
shockingly-spoils gloves--moistens cra-
vals-don't feel comfortable-too much eva-
poration-soon done-up. Ten o'clock-la-
dies retire-devilish glad-club meets----re-
gular chairman-hold court-make speech-
es--try offenders--quiz green-horns-no
skulkers-no bed-goers-Committee of Dis-
turbance rouse 'em out-sing songs-no ex-
cuse-a song or six bumpers-punish the


LETTERS FROM LONG-BRANCH.
133
bottle--smoke cigars-drink brandy--get
tight-kick up a row-break chairs-slam
windows-huzza!-play the devil, and go to
bed at four o'clock in the morning!
Yours
My old Cock,
HENRY WILDAIR.
FROM FRANCES WILDAIR TO ANNA MATILDA
DASHALL.
DEAREST ANNA,
It appears to be an age since I parted from
the dear companion of my youth; every mo-
ment of absence more strongly proves how
miserable and wretched I should be without
you. Do tell me how your brother Dick is?
and what he is doing? Dick is a sad fellow;
but I dote upon wild young men to distrac-
tion; they always make good husbands.-
How extremely happy should I have been
with the society of my dearest Anna; what
a terrible disappointment, that your old aunt
should die at such a time!-if she had only
died last fall we should have been so hap-
py!—I did think, however, my dearest girl,
that when we arrived at Long Branch, there
would have been attractions sufficient to en-


134 LETTERS FROM LONG-BRANCH.
tice your brother Dick to that place,-he is
such a friend of Harry's you know! Don't
for the world tell Dick that I have mention-
ed his name: I am sure, if I did not know
your love for the best of brothers, I should
never have thought of him!
Do tell Dick this is the most agreeable
spot on the face of the earth;-a million
times pleasanter than Philadelphia: The
young men are in raptures! Tell him they
have a regular club which meets every night
at 10 o'clock, where they enjoy themselves
excessively in smoking and singing, if one
may judge from the noise and laughter.-
O! I have the strangest thing to tell you
about a song that we overheard one of the
gentlemen sing! Indeed, the one we learned
at Boarding School is nothing to compare
to it! and what makes it the more surprising
is, that the singer is the most timid-bash-
ful-modest young man in the house, and
can scarcely speak to a woman. Lord! I
wonder what he is afraid of!
You cannot possibly imagine the exqui-
site delight there is in bathing: we huddle
on any old things-nothing but a gown and
shawl, and a pretty large bonnet to hide one's
face you know, and walk through the midst


LETTERS FROM LONG-BRANCH.
135
of the gentlemen down to the Bathing House:
I often take a sly peep, and they seem as if
they would look through one! Then there
is such laughing, and quizzing, and giggling,
while we are arranging our bathing-dresses;
such hints, and witty remarks about every
thing under the sun: and when I enter the
surf, I am in an agony of delight! The water
comes up-and up-and up-and feels so
queer, you can have no idea of it without
taking a dip: and then we go in with a man!
nothing on earth on, but our bathing-dress-
es!-but they always fix upon some old
good-for nothing married man: is it not
enough to provoke a saint, when there are
so many fine, active young men, who would
volunteer their services in a moment? I of-
ten remain a whole half-hour in the surf, for
no earthly purpose, but to watch them peep-
ing over the bank! Don't you think Dick
would delight in it?
I have not time, at present, to tell you
all about our delightful excursions through
the country in pleasant little Jersey wa-
gons; three on one seat, gentlemen and
ladies! And our agreeable balls, and a
thousand million things,-in my next
•


136 LETTERS FROM LONG-BRANCH.
Believe me, my dearest Anna, such is the
devotedness of my attachment, that I could
write to you forever-but I am obliged to
quill a ruffle for the dance this evening, and
must therefore conclude.
Your adoring friend,
FRANCES WILDAIR.
N. B. You cannot imagine how atten-
tive a fine young gentleman from New York
has been to me this afternoon. I am quite
certain, if I thought you would mention this
to Dick, I should not sleep a single wink!
P. S. I open my letter to inform you it
is confidently whispered that Miss-
and Mrs.-
-, purposely walked to the
beach while the gentlemen were bathing!
I wonder how Dick would look in the wa-
ter!
F. W.
>
FROM TABITHA TWIST TO DEBORAH DOLITTLE.
DEAR DEBORAH,-
What will this world of sin and transgres-
sion come to at last? Alas! Deborah, in
the days of our youth, the restraints of mai-
denly decorum were the sure safeguards of
our sex, but in this degenerate time they
are laughed at and destroyed.


LETTERS FROM LONG-BRANCH.
137
·
The blood will run coldly through your
immaculate veins, while I relate the awful
accident that lately occurred to your unfor-
tunate friend; never shall I forget it: No! so
long as memory holds her seat, the horrors
of that moment will shed their gloom over
the evening of my life! Three long days
have elapsed, and my nerves still remain in
a most lamentable condition: *** with
a trembling hand I confide my sorrows to
your condolence.
Innocent as the tender lamb, and confi-
ding in virgin simplicity, I was seduced by the
entreaties of the young women to venture
into the rolling waters of the ocean, and ac-
companied a large party to the bathing
house, for that purpose. In arranging my
bathing-dress, the unhallowed gaze of youth
mantled my cheeks with burning blushes,
and I stood trembling amid the tittering of
youthful depravity. I was led to the brink
of the ocean by a tall, muscular woman,
and soon found myself enveloped in its wa-
ters; I had not ventured to raise my eyes
from the ground during our passage from
the bath-house, for O! Deborah! those feet
which never before had seen the light of
the sun, were now polluted with insinuating
N


138 LETTERS FROM LONG-BRANCH.
sand before a numerous assembly, in broad
day-light!!! But the feelings of self preser-
vation at length prevailed over the modesty
of nature; every wave that rolled over us
augmented the intestine congregation of salt-
water, and respiration became difficult not
being able to articulate, I cast a supplica-
ting look towards my hardy companion, and
-saw the beard of a man!!!! Gracious
heavens! Deborah, I was in the arms of a
man! I was half-covered with water in
the embraces of a man!-Nay, I had been
concealed from the light of day amid the
darkness of the waves, in the company of a
man! not decently clothed in the starched
head-dress, and maidenly attire of a draw-
ing room, but crowned with an oil-cloth-cap,
and covered with a green-baize chemise
loosely fastened around my throat! Heavens
if that-but I forbear;
*
*
*
*
*
Imagine, O! Deborah Dolittle, the horrors
of that moment! You know (for we were
born in the same year,) that from the days
of my infancy, no man but poor Philip Gob-
ble has ever laid his profane hands on my
person: how often has my mother declared,
that in the moinents of childhood, I scream-
*
*
*


LETTERS FROM LONG-BRANCH.
139
ed with virtuous violence, if any man dan-
dled me in his arms, excepting my father
or my brother! For sixty years have I been
a terror to all men but Philip Gobble!
Alas, poor Philip! he died of a broken heart
occasioned by excessive drinking brought
on by his misfortunes, and my maiden heart
lies entombed with him in Christ Church
burying ground!
But to return to my narrative. Had it
not been for the cold water I should cer-
tainly have fainted: desperation gave me
new life; I sprang from his arms,-rush-
ed out of the water,-flew to my chamber,
-threw myself on the bed,-and burst in-
to a flood of tears! During the remainder
of the day, I remained alone, endeavouring
to wipe off the contamination of the body
by the purification of the mind; I carefully
read the 7th Chapter of 1. Corinthians, es-
pecially the 34th verse, and particularly ex-
amined Dr. Bolus on Sympathetic affec-
tions, and Corporeal Contagion.
However, at the earnest solicitation of my
neice, I descended to the sitting-room in
the evening, and joined a whist-table, after
having recruited my spirits with thirty-three
and a third drops of laudanum. My ears


140
LETTERS FROM LONG-BRANCH.
whizzed with water, my lips tasted of salt,
the old rheumatic affection appeared in my
right hip, and I was considerably incommo-
ded with a slight attack of the asthma. I
entered the room with unbending dignity,
and cast my eyes around with the proud
consciousness of insulted virtue: all the pert
Misses tittered at the poor object of my
wrath, who stood with his face in part co-
vered, while streams of penitence rolled from
his eyes! This affecting sight only increa-
sed the mirth of the thougthless young sin-
ners, but as he never omits showing the
same symptoms of repentance, whenever
we chance to meet, I think it proper, after
a suitable trial, to extend to him the mercy
of my pardon. If it were not for the me-
mory of poor Philip Gobble, I might almost
be induced, in order to quiet the conscien-
tious scruples of my own heart, and the
scandalous insinuations of the world, to re-
sign to him the whole of that person, which
was innocently polluted by his embrace!
I attempted to remonstrate with brother
Anthony on the impropriety of the mode of
bathing adopted by the young women, but
he instantly flew into a violent passion, and
finished a most barbarous lecture by telling


LETTERS FROM LONG-BRANCH.
141
6
me I was an old fool,' and had no reason
to be afraid of a man, in or out of the wa-
ter! Such is the cruelty of brothers-in
law after the death of their wives: if poor
sister Betty had lived, he would not have
dared to treat me so abominably.
It was my intention to give you an ac-
count of the stupid balls, and the insuffera-
ble conduct of a mid-night club, established
at this place, but must defer it to another
opportunity: it is really surprising what plea-
sure can arise from jumping about the floor
on a hot August evening, to the tune of a
cracked fiddle; or why rational beings do
not prefer resting comfortably in their beds,
to sitting up all night singing and carou-
sing. Indeed it is almost impossible to rest
quietly at night, and if we do not speedily
return home, I certainly anticipate an attack
of the nervous fever, or diagnostics of hypo-
chondriac affections: the continual aid of
hypnotics has alone enabled me to sustain
nature, but they will speedily fail, unless I
am supplied by your kind attention to the
enclosed list of articles, which you will be
affectionate enough to despatch by the first
fish-wagon. Your friend,
In years and in love,
TABITHA TWIST.
1
N 2


142
LETTERS FROM LONG-BRANCH.
LIST OF ARTICLES ENCLOSED.
30 Opium pills-2 grs. each, (in case of
sickness!)
6 Bottles genuine aqua vitæ, (for the
cholic!)
1 Case containing 12 bottles Hollands,
from the large closet in my bed-chamber.
(for brother Anthony!)
2 Quarts Irish whiskey. (for punch for
Harry!)
2 Bottles noyau. (for Frances!)
1 Pound macabau. (for myself!)
A razor-strop. (to sharpen scissors!)
The last new novel. (for Frances!)
Taylor's sermons. (for myself!)
6 Packs playing cards. (for the compa-
ny.)
T. T.
FROM ANTHONY WILDAIR, ESQ. TO PETER P.
POSITIVE, ESQ.
ESTEEMED PETER,
Your's of 29 ulto. came regularly to hand,
and contents noted.
The aspect of affairs in this quarter of
the world is by no means on a par with that
of Philadelphia; the exchange is decidedly
for the worse.


LETTERS FROM LONG-BRANCH.
143
The chief commodity of this market ap-
pears to be fresh fish, although there is
something doing in black-berries and whor-
tle-berries; of course I except the agricul-
tural interest as a distinct and irrelative con-
cern. Philadelphia is the chief vent for the
staple article of commerce, to which place
it is exported in wagons, which sometimes
return, freighted with various articles for
home-consumption; in most cases, however,
the returns are made in specie. The quality of
the fish, upon arrival at your market, prin-
cipally depends upon the luck of the fisher-
man here, and the time occupied in trans-
portation; large fish are most in demand,
and fresh-fish command the highest price.
Any orders you may be good enough to favour
me with, shall be punctually fulfilled, and
the highest possible discount obtained for
cash payments.
By the steam boat from New York, I
have received papers to the 2d. inst. inclu-
sive, by which I observe no material change
has taken place in that market.
Enclosed you have Prices current to
which I beg your attention, and have this
day drawn on you at sight, favour of Robin
Roughhead for $165 22, say one hundred
and sixty-five dollars and twenty-two cents,


144
LETTERS FROM LONG-BRANCH.
which be pleased to honour, and place the
same to account of
Your obedt. humb. servant,
ANTHONY WILDAIR.
LONG BRANCH PRICES CURRENT.
Very abundant and vora-
FISH-Sharks, cious particularly the fe-
males.
Young and abundant.
Poor and plenty.
A plentiful supply of all
ages.
Of strong flavour.
Black-fish,
Crabs,
Fat and numerous.
N. B. These fish are all kept alive at this
market.
FLESH-Belles,
piece
Widows,
Sheepshead,
Toad fish,
Flat-fish,
Old maids,
piece
-
Married women,
Chamber maids,
House maids,
Cook maids,
Nurses, &c. &c.
820 to 50.000 per
In demand.
$5 to 10.000 do.
plenty,
25 cents per
Very plenty.
Cheap.
according to quality.
A good supply.
1


LETTERS FROM LONG-BRANCH.
145
Dandies,
Married men,
stocked.
Bachelors,
SUNDRIES.-Dinners,
Breakfasts, 50
50
All in market
damaged.
50 cents per piece
middling.
ditto-good.
ditto-middling.
25 per bed-excellent.
$30 per 1000-bad.
$2 per bottle-middling.
ditto-good.
none in market.
$3
Long Branch, August 1820.
ANTHONY WILDAIR.
Suppers,
Lodging,
Segars,
Claret,
Madeira,
Fiddlers,
·
·
-
A mere drug.
Completely over-


CHAPTER X.
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
What, quite unman'd in Folly!
How arts improve in this degenerate age!
Peers mount the box, and horses tread the stage!
Whilst waltzing females, with unblushing face,
Disdain to dance but in a man's embrace!
Shakspeare.
Sheridan.
THE prevalent disposition to imitate the
manners of Europe, has caused the introduc-
tion of many frivolous customs and amuse-
ments into our city; and a continued desire
to vie with the fashionable folly of high life,
is kept alive by the puppyism of finical fo-
reigners, as well as the correspondent habits
of those 'monkeys who have seen the world,'
and return home to instruct and ridicule 'the
natives.**
* It is, however, highly honourable to the character of
our city, to find these travel'd gentlemen, in general, free
from the vicious morals and manners of the old world,


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
147
But, notwithstanding the desires of the
beau-monde, there is still sufficient sense
existing among the community at large, to
prevent the introduction of foreign folly in
its full extent. Ridicule is a powerful cor-
rective of fashion, and it is only by gradual
steps towards the pinnacle of exquisiteness,
that it can be avoided: too sudden advances
cannot be endured in this city, although a
slow progress may be made with impunity.
As this will, beyond all doubt, eventually re-
sult in the wholesale importation of fashion
and folly in all their manifold shapes, it may
not be uninteresting to take a slight view of
those, which will probably be among the
first to be domesticated.
Notwithstanding the spring fashions of
Miss Tardy, or the fall nouveautés of Ma-
dame Beauchamp, there is great room for
improvement in our magazins-de-modes. Our
men-monkeys of the millineries have much
to learn, not only in the art of selling, but of
naming their commodities; they are not yet
acquainted with the importance of a name,
through which an Ivanhoe cap of black tulle,
and geranium sattin might command double
the price of the same article with a less
emphatic appellation.


148
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
Highwaymen, and house-breakers have
invented a language of their own,-turfs-
men, cockers, and pugilists have their dis-
tinct dialect,-dandies and ruffians possess
their appropriate slang,-and belles and élé-
gantes enjoy the mysterious expressions of
Mistress Bell, the presiding goddess of the
great London magazin-de-modes. The know-
ledge of the latter tongue has not kept pace
with that of the preceding in this country,
but its gradual introduction affords good
grounds of belief, that our ladies will soon
be endowed with a faculty of speech, so ex-
clusively devoted to their benefit: notwith-
standing my years, I may yet witness the
refinement attendant upon a female slang
vocabulary.
I expect to enjoy those happy days, when
a belle caunot ride in her landau vis-à-vis,
without a beautiful shagreen gros de Naples
pelisse of a pale pink colour, trimmed with
narrow marabout down, and lozenge puffs
of pink sattin!-when she cannot promenade
without a bonnet trimmed with a double row
of cockle shells cut in bias, real Norway doe-
skin gloves, and Polonese half-boots lined
with silk plush, and trimmed with Astracan
fur!-when her walking-coat must be a
Turkish pelisse-coat of lavender sattin, lined


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
149
with chincilla fur, and trimmed with white
swan's-down, or a Levantine pelisse of violet
colour trimmed with feather silk!—when she
cannot enter a ball-room without peach-blos-
som sattin, carreaux à la Chinoise, fastened
with pagoda buttons, or tuckers of white crape
in folds, fastened in puff divisions by bows of
white love!!-when her pretty feet must be
ornamented with white sattin sandal slippers,
and her pretty shape with a Corsage à Luis
Quatorze, or an Arcadian jacket!-when
her white neck must be adorned with an
English antique triple ruff of white crape, or
a Chinese collar with pagoda points!-when
her parasol must be of Neptune blue, her
hair en Camille, and her person covered
with Henrietta points and Mosaic gauze!!-
when she dare not appear in the side-boxes
without an Opera toque turban of ponceau
velvet, or a Theatre cornette of fine figured
blond net and sattin!-when, in fine, the
covering of her head must be a Caledonian
cap with a Westminster College crown, or a
Mexican turban with the Peruvian border
plume of the brightest scarlet!
What a brilliant display of fashionable
phraseology will then attract the gaze of
votaries: instead of the vulgar, comprehen-
sive name of bonnet, we shall have Madras,
0


150
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
Sultana, Batavian, Cleopatra, Venetian, and
Flora turbans! Persian, Mary-Stuart, Flo-
ralia, Vevai, Tyrolese, and Aladdin caps!
Prussian, Virginia, and Sicilian Vesper
hats! Flora wreaths, Cornettes à la matrone,
Chapeaux à la Comtesse, Oriental diadem
head dresses, and Czarina coronets!-Bon-
nets will no longer be known, excepting
among the ignorant canaille.
The hymeneal pelisse of Mrs. Bell will
attain undoubted popularity,--and our artists
be favoured with a classification of colours
hitherto unknown;--Cerulean, Ethereal, La-
pis, Castillan, Celestial, Royal, and Queen's-
eye Blue! Canary Yellow! Spanish Snuff!
Pomona Green! Persian Lilac! Peach-blos-
som! Red-Currant! Morocco Brown! Lon-
don Smoke! and Dead Leaf!
If, in the application of these abstruse
terms, I have committed errors, let the im-
possibility of procuring a Lexicon of Fash-
ion plead in my behalf: like the Creole of
the West Indies, the jargon of Yorkshire,
the jabbering of Gascony, or the tongue of
the Cherokees, it is only by personal in-
struction that a philologist can be initiated
into the mysteries of the language. Under
such circumstances, if my 'doing into En-
If


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
151
،
,
glish' has in some instances been erroneous,
I am not to be adjudged equally culpable
with the sapient author of La Cuisiniere
Bourgeoise, who in his enumeration of En-
glish dishes, includes Rosbif-de-Mouton à
Anglaise, and Rosbif-d'Agneau à l'An-
glaise!'-Nor am I equally reprehensible
with a translator of the same nation, who
transformed Love's Last Shift, into La
Dernière Chemise de l'Amour!-Nor with
that London'doer into English' of a French
Chemical Work, who made Persian Preci-
pitate out of La précipitation per se!--Much
less can I be compared with that literary
German, who declares in his translation of
the French Dictionnaire Biographique, that
the anniversary of the death of Charles the
first is still observed in England by a young
General!!! (In the French it is Par un
jeûne général;-by a General Fast!)--Nor
am I on equal ground with the erudite edi-
tor of the Courier François, who in ac-
knowledging an extract from the Indepen-
dent Whig, called it 'Peruque l'Indépen
dente!
But to return from this long digression;
the time may yet arrive when we shall soar
above European examples, and become bo-


152
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
+
na-fide inventors. Our Washington Crape
à la Veuvage, Mississippi Caps á la Bour-
geoise, and Fur Mantles à la Chickasaw,
may, at no distant period, furnish models to
Mrs. Bell herself! We have as choice a
collection of sonorous appellatives as all Eu-
rope can produce; let us have our Monon-
gahela Corsages, our Rappahanock Cor-
nettes, and our Ompomponoosock Diadems!
The first step of our progress towards this
desirable object may be traced in The La-
dies' Pocket Book for 1821: not only are
the fashions for that year' set forth in a pre-
fatory plate containing four female figures,
but the beau-monde is officially made ac-
quainted with the fashionable Waltzes and
Country (Contra) Dances for the present
season: among these I joyfully recognize the
Philadelphia Steam Boat, The Cadets, North
Point, Washington Hall, Return from Bals-
ton, and Trip to the Shore, as well as others,
which may vie in nomenclature with the
most polished effusions of English Mâitres-
de-Danse: such as The Blinker, The Grass-
hopper, The Cat and the Kettle, Love and
Luck, Bulls and Bears, Shuffle and Cut,
Charley Chuff, and Moping Muggins!
•


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
158
We may even open a new path in the
gardens of Fashion, despise all the funda
mental rules of the boudoir, and emulate the
example of the noted Cherubina! Our belles
may fold themselves in rolls of transparent
drapery, without drawing-strings, without
hooks, and without pins! And why should
we not establish a Mourning à les Etats-
Unis? Must we forever dangle at the skirts
of European fashions? Is not the mourning
of Syria, Cappadocia, and Armenia, sky-
blue? that of Egypt, yellow? that of Ethio-
pia, gray? and that of China, white? Why,
therefore, should we be restricted to the
black habiliments of Europe, when the in-
habitants of every other continent in the
world, have their peculiar and characteristic
drapery of wo? Let us then have orange,
fawn-colour, lilac, buff,--or any thing but
black!
Diderot says, 'when writing on women,
we should dip our pens in the rain-bow, and
dust each word with the powder of a butter-.
fly's wing;' but Diderot and myself being,
in certain cases, of a different opinion, and
rain-bows as well as butterflies, somewhat
scarce at this season of the year, I may
be
allowed, without profanity, to use the com-
o 2


154
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
mon implements of writing. Indeed, I very
much question whether Monsieur Diderot
himself would have been at such considera-
ble pains, in describing the naked Snake
Women of Japan, the Almehs of Grand
Cairo, the destroying mothers of the Jare-
jahs, or the nymphs of Covent-Garden!
Let us now proceed to a brief examina-
tion of the various fashions, and fashionable
articles, which are yet to be introduced upon
a large scale, into our happy metropolis.
In the first place, our Ladies-for many
of them actually require it-should without
delay patronise the Armenian Divorce Cor-
set, which according to the inventress, pos-
sesses the following attributes: 1. It gives to
the bust, grace, elegance, and ease:-2. An
effect to dress, unknown in this, or any other
country, and a form to the back, most sur-
prising:--3. It is devested of the trouble of
lacing:-4. It may be put on and completely
adjusted momentarily, and without the aid
of any individual!-The latter quality is in-
valuable, as it respects our male exquisites,
who may now wear Corsets without even
the knowledge of their body-servants.
The Ladies Chapeau-Bras, and English
Witzchoura might also be introduced at the


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
155
same time, and those dames who are unfor-
tunately très embonpoint would find great
relief in the Bandage Corsets, or the Elastic
Supporting Belts.
Foreigners have always abused the bad
complexions, and bad teeth of American
women: even that 'little Esop of love,' that
'sprite of a man,' that 'little luxurious hum-
ming-bird of his species'-Thomas Moore,
Esq. indulged in a personal attack, not-
withstanding his own dwarfish stature,
weak eyes, and aukward demeanour.'
C
'What pity, blooming girl!
That lips so ready for a lover,
Should not beneath their ruby caskets cover
One tooth of pearl;
But like a rose beneath the church-yard stone,
Be doom'd to blush o'er many a mouldering bone!*
The attack on our Belles' complexions is
more general and quite as abusive.
The only feasible method by which these
satirical assaults can be avoided, is without
delay to introduce the invaluable works of
Epistle to Lord Forbes;-a ridiculous medley which
the fame of its author cannot rescue from contempt. The
ensuing note is appended: 'Polygnotus was the first painter,
says Pliny, who showed the teeth in his portraits. He would
scarcely, I think, have been tempted to such an innovation
in America.'


156
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
art, which uphold the superiority of the fair
sex in Europe. Let our Belles abandon the
use of vulgar Charcoal, and all other denti-
frices of domestic manufacture: let Vegetable
Tooth Powder, Aromatic Tooth Paste, and
Malabar Dentifrice be forthwith imported
from London; if these do not suffice, let
Asiatic Powder, Oriental Vegetable Antiscor-
butic Dentifrice, and Verdigonian Odorife-
rous and Abstersive Tooth Paste, be added
to the order: and, to those who are in want
of those necessary articles, I would recom-
mend an immediate application to Monsieur
Faleur, or Monsieur De Lafons, of London,
who can supply them with Improved Mine-
ral Teeth, of the very first quality. Artificial
Palates may also be procured from the same
ingenious dentists!
If my countrywomen follow this advice,
Thomas Moore, Esquire, will be compelled
to say, in the words of a much better poet:
Her breath was sweeter than the morning gale
Stolen from the rose, or violet's dewy leaves;
Her ivory teeth appear'd in even rows,
Through lips of living coral!'
To insure the truth of the first part of this
quotation, it would be adviseable to procure


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
157
a respectable supply of Cachou-de-Rose, and
Acidulated Rose Lozenges.
The want of brilliant complexions, calcu-
lated to rival those of European ladies, is
wholly inexcusable, considering the facility
of attaining them. It is incomprehensible
to me, that a single freckle should exist,
since the composition of Lily Paste, Milk of
Roses, White Imperial Powder, and Eau
Aromatique de Montpelier!-Or that any
morphew should be seen, since the promul-
gation of the Rouge de Sultane, the Botanic
Cream, and the Chinese Fluid! If our ladies
want bloom on their cheeks, it is the result
of their own negligence; can they not pro-
cure the Sicilian Bloom, and the Botanic
Bloom, and the Bloom of Ninon? the Liquid
Bloom of Roses, and the Imperial Liquid
Bloom of the East? But even should all these
resources fail, they may place implicit reli-
ance on the Fleur-de Sultane, 'for creating
an instantaneous, lasting, and enchantingly
youthful colour on the cheeks and lips.'
'
This invaluable and unrivalled production,'
besides approximating beyond parallel to
the perfection of nature,' and 'giving the ap-
pearance of the most exalted beauty,' main-
tains its envied appearance in the greatest


158
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
perspiration in the most heated assem-
blies!!!-When we join to these numerous
advantages, the Ambrosial Soap, the Abys-
sinian Flower Soap, and the Elysian Balsa-
mic Compound Soap, all so easily attained
by our élégantes, it will be impossible ever
again to pardon chapped lips, or a freckled
face! Indeed, the time may arrive, when our
heroic countrywomen, like the celebrated
actress, (Mrs. Oldfield,) shall, amid the ago-
nies of dissolution, order their waiting-maids
to paint their faces, that they may not shock
the spectators after their deaths! Or be as
fashionably collected as Madame de Charo-
iais, a lady of the same profession in France,
who when dying was with great difficulty
persuaded to take the sacrament without
rouge; not being able to resist the solicita-
tions of her confessor, she at last consented
to wipe it off; but in this case,' said she to
her women, 'give me some other ribbons;
you know how horribly ill yellow becomes
my complexion!'
C
As there is not a reasonable termination
to the long catalogue of artificial beauties,
which have so lamentably depreciated the
appearance of American women, when op-
posed to those of Europe, I will confine my


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
159
further remarks on the subject to the HAIR,
which constitutes an important part of fe-
male general beauty. In the fashionable
circles of Great Britain there are few la-
dies, and perhaps not a single truly exqui-
site gentleman, with Red Hair!-but in this
country, we are continually shocked by its
outré and fiery appearance. Good heavens!
Ladies! for what purpose was Grecian Wa-
ter, or Persian water, or vegetable dye, or
chemical cream, or poudre unique, or l'olio
novello, or indelible fluid, or Rowland's es-
sence of Tyre, composed, if you refuse to
change that terrific colour into a beautiful
brown, or an enchanting black,' and 'com-
municate to the ringlets a beauty, lux-
uriance, and duration, before unknown?"
(
To those who are already in possession
of hair of fashionable colours, let me serious-
ly recommend Atkinson's fluid, extract of
roses, Macassar oil, and Verdigonian oil of
Persia, together with Pommade Régénéra-
trice, and pommade divine, and the constant
use of P. Burgess and Co's superior im-
proved patent penetrating hair brushes! It
is the application of these valuable articles,
which gives to British hair its enviable su-
periority; and the easy communication be-


160
FOREIGN FOLLIES,
tween the two countries affords every oppor-
tunity to our ladies, of possessiug similar
advantages.
There is one great misfortune, which
often mars the beauty of the prettiest faces
and necks in the world, by placing on those
surfaces an undue quantity of hair: a female
with a beard is a kind of lusus natura, and
can hardly be endured in the paths of fash-
ion. Such things are unknown in Europe,
praised be the moretian tablet, and the gen-
uine roseate powder of Mr. Hubert! Let us
never again behold a shaggy neck, or a
bearded chin, among the belles of our city,
for should the specifics already pointed out
fail in effect, Trent's Depilatory will remove
the deformity in a few minutes,' or the
poudre subtil in ten minutes at most'!!
C
C
Let me conclude this subject with Mr.
Rowland's eloquent address
TO THE FAIR SEX.'
'Say, what does most adorn the fair?
A copious, charming head of hair;
Ringlets form'd with taste and grace
Which spread a lustre o'er the face,
Produced without much care or toil
By using Rowland's fained Macassar oil,
Which as revolving years go round,
More excellent and good is found.


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
161
Illustrious Sussex- -royal Caroline,
As patrons to this oil combine,
And with Imperial Russia's mighty lord,
Their splendid, gracious patronage afford;
And when the hair is red or gray,
Which all approve not to display,
Rowland's essence of Tyre's efficient power
Will change the colour in an hour!"*
Having thus given a brief outline of the
improvements that are necessary to place
our ladies on a level with those of Europe,
who
**** to surprise us spread
The borrow'd flags of white and red,?
let us examine a portion of the general cus-
toms and amusements of the haut-ton, in
which we have not yet been wholly, or at
all, initiated. But let it not be supposed,
that because I have particularly alluded to
the fair sex, I entertain the slightest desire
* For the benefit of those immaculate donna attempatas
(who will not sit next to a man at table lest he should touch
them with his knee) I cannot forbear pointing out the
means, by which they may repair the miseries occasioned
by tight shoes, during their youth. They may at once get
rid of those maidenly evils yclept corns, bad nails, callosi-
ties and bunions, by the application of the anti-callosity, or
Russian corn and Bunion plaister; or by a communication
(enclosing a one pound note) directed to that eminent Chi-
ropedist, Mr. Laidlaw, number 9, New North Street, Red
Lion Square, London.
P


162
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
to debar the other, from the advantages of
innovation: far from it; a change depends
as much upon aspiring maccaronis-those
neat, little men of très grande espèrance-
as upon female élégantes: they must annihi-
late Scratches, and let curling locks, and
soft, smooth, exquisitely blooming cheeks,
be their manly passports into the society of
fashion.
With regard to public amusements, our
taste and variety are lamentably deficient.
Even our theatrical exhibitions are dull, va-
pid, and uninteresting when compared with
those of Europe: instead of four-footed va-
rieties, we are compelled to slumber over
the dull representations of Shakspeare, and
when we might have elephants, camels, well-
trained dogs, and dancing bears to enliven
the scene, we are pestered with the morali-
ty of Young, or the long speeches of Otway!
Why do we not emulate the Thespian plea-
sures of Europe? At the Franconi Circus
in Paris, Macbeth and Othello have been
converted into Pantomimes!-and in ano-
ther town of that kingdom, The death of
Abel' was advertised to be performed in
the costume of the times! Whether this
exhibition ever took place, does not appear,
.


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
163
but a piece performed in puris naturalibus
would indeed be a novelty, worthy of emu-
lation.
In Europe, any notable occurrence is
speedily represented on the boards of a
theatre, and if it is one, by the recollection
of which the feelings of affection and kin-
dred are harrowed up, it inevitably proves
profitable. The celebrated murder of
Fualdes was not only dramaticised on the
French Theatres, but produced at Covent
Garden under the title of Proof Presump-
tive, or the Abbey of San Marco.' Our
own monster of the deep has had the ho-
nour of being represented at the Surrey
Theatre, by the name of 'The Sea Serpent!
or Harlequin Yankee.' Let us then follow
these examples: if the son, or brother, or
father of any affectionate family in this city
should be assassinated, let us keep the re-
membrance of the deed in the minds of his
weeping relatives, by its representation in
Walnut Street! Let every circumstance of po-
pular notoriety be adapted to the stage, and
let the Harlequin Yankee' be surpassed
by a farce called the Milan Commission,
or Royal Adultery:'-The villa d'Este, or


164
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
the Happy Courier;- The Mysterious cor-
ridor, or the two bed chambers!'
6
Let us no longer endure the exhilirating
gas of Dr. P-
-n, or the leger-de-main
of Mr. Stanislaus, but cause to be imported
the more refined amusements, attendant
upon Fire-eaters' and Human-salaman-
ders.' Every body has heard of the famous
Mr. Powell---of Senor Lionetti, or the incom-
bustible Spaniard,and of the more mo-
dern wonders of Signora Girardelli, and
Ivan Ivanitz Chabert. I feel mortified that
our enfans-de-mode should soberly sit gaping
at Incombustible Fire Works, or the manu-
facture of a Pan-Cake, without heat, in a gen-
tleman's hat, when they might be delighted
with the supernatural powers of Monsieur
Chabert. When they might see that extra-
ordinary Fire Proof" forge a bar of red
hot iron with his feet-undergo the torture
by fire as used in the Spanish Inquisition-
drink boiling oil-drop burning sealing-wax
on his tongue-eat burning charcoal-inspi-
rate the flame of a torch-bathe his feet with
boiling lead-pour it into his mouth with his
hand--pour the strongest aqua-fortis on steel
filings, and trample on it with his bare feet
-rub a red-hot shovel on his arms aud legs
،


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
165
-pour vitriol, oil, and arsenic into the fire,
hold his head in the flame, and inhale the
vapours-eat of a lighted torch as if it were
sallad and, finally, pour aqua-fortis on a
piece of copper in the hollow of his hand!!
Yet John Bull has witnessed these things!
So numerous, in fact, are the improve-
ments that our circle of fashion must attain,
and not only attain, but support by its coun-
tenance and example, that it would be a
hopeless task to attempt a regular detail:
the only method that can be adopted is to
present a general, and in part disconnected,
outline of those which happen first to present
themselves before me.
C
Horse-racing requires little comment, as
it is already as extensively practised as the
lenity of the law will admit of; but we are
wofully deficient in a knowledge of horse-
flesh,' and it will require a long series of
years before we can hope to rival the Earl
of Coventry or Mr. Weston, who, though
unfortunately blind, were the two best
judges of horses in the kingdom of Great
Britain! They not only bought their own,
but selected the horses of their friends: 'of
the figure and anatomy they correctly judged
by feeling, and of the several paces by their
·
P 2


166
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
quick sense of hearing!! These gentlemen-
jockeys have completely distanced even
Miss McEvoy of Liverpool, who although
totally deprived of sight, astonished honest
John Bull, by distinguishing colours by the
touch! But they have not equalled their ex-
traordinary countryman William McGilvray,
who although entirely sightless, informed the
owner of a fine horse that the animal was 'blind
of one eye,' although he (the owner) with
all his visual faculties had not been able to
discover it!+
Our ladies should soar above the vulgar
exercise of Chesnut Street Promenades,
and either learn the broad sword exercise
from Mrs. Williams, or despatch a mission
to Signora Chili the celebrated Roman fe-
male fencer, who actually vanquished the
most expert amateurs at 'Mr. Angelo's
rooms in Bond Street,'-For the benefit of
the lower classes they ought furthermore
to institute regular Smock Races,' or, if
they are ambitious enough, by a bold step,
6
* This wonderful lady is said to feel the hour of the day
through the plate of a watch-glass, and to distinguish colours
and objects reflected by a mirror;' thus having an optical
organ in the skin of the fingers, hands, &c. &c.!'
·
Monthly Mag. January, 1817.
1
1


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
167
to outdo even the élégantes of London, con-
tend for the prize themselves. Such a pas-
time affords infinite amusement, not only
by the graceful and interesting appearance
of females in the attitude of running, but by
occasional falls, calculated to add conside-
rably to the interest of that appearance: I
have little doubt, after a few trials, it would
become all the rage,' and that Patent
Bounding Corsets, Winged Bonnets, and
Atalanta Robes would speedily rival the va-
rious nouveautés, which I have enumera-
ted.
C
Our belles are also deficient in Donkey
Riding, Horse-Racing and Hunting: as pat-
terns by which these accomplishments may
be acquired, I would recommend Brighton
or Margate Visitors in the first instance,-
lady Thornton* in racing,-and the countess
* This enterprising lady was not at all fastidious, either
in the choice of place, or competitors; on the contrary she
rode over public courses; and against common jockeys. At
the York race course, (after having put four hogsheads of
Côte Rotie' into her wine-cellar, and added about $13,000
to her pin-money, by Mr. Bromford's declining to ride,')
she started against Mr. Buckle, the jockey, well known
at New Market, as a rider of the first celebrity,'- - push-
ed forwards,'—and ‘came-in in a style far superior to any
thing of the kind ever before witnessed, gaining her race
by half-a-neck!'—She rode ' Louisa, sister to Kill-Devil, by
6


168
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
C
of Derby (said to be the most dashing fe-
male rider' in England) in hunting.
I have already said, that our only hope of
being able to compete with transatlantic re-
finement, is to model our habits and man-
ners according to the European standard:
we have examples suited to all classes of
society, and to all ages. Our most venera-
ble and dignified judges on the bench, if
they are real followers of fashion, will lose
nothing of their dignity, even if they should
be induced to array themselves in petticoats!
Did not lord Erskine, once lord chancellor
of England, at 70 years of age, elope in a
pelisse, a large bonnet, and a veil, to Gret-
na Green, with his housekeeper? And is
not this one patrician example enough, in
all conscience, to vindicate à like measure
in a plebeian?'
Our reverend divines may certainly pos-
sess the same privileges as their brethren in
Europe: 'Here,' says the Monthly Review,
Pegasus, out of Nelly,' and (for the information of our la-
dies,) was dressed in a purple cap and waistcoat, nankin-
coloured skirts, purple shoes, and embroidered stockings:'
it was no doubt necessary, to produce effect, to have the
latter, (as the most prominent article of dress,) of the finest
texture and materials.
1
▸
I


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
169
'hunting-parsons, shooting-parsons, and even
boxing-parsons are by no means rare:' And
have they not the example of that christian
divine, the Rev. W. B. Daniel, who publish-
ed a large book in three volumes octavo, pp.
1627, price 5l. 5s. title 'Rural Sports'
about hunting, shooting, and fishing?'
6
Our military heroes ought to emulate the
honours of colonel Thornton, and write a
splendid Sporting' quarto, as a relief from
the sterner duties of war: like him they might
issue 'general orders' every morning to their
sporting suite, and record, with circumspect
fidelity, the various actions of the day.
6
6
The practice of introducing a woman in-
to society as your wife, which confers the
double benefit of saving the nuptial expenses,
and being able to get rid of her without dif-
ficulty, also remains to be generally intro-
duced: but cannot a commoner' be shel-
tered by even one Corinthian' example?
Lord Hawke publicly declared a certain la-
dy, whom he led into the circle of fashion,
to be the bona-fide lady Hawke, when lo! a
'public notice' appeared in the papers, stat-
ing the soi-disant lady Hawke to be actually
one Mistress Corri, the wife of a musical
composer!'


170
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
C
In vocal music, also, we are but miserable
proficients, as may be better learned from
the history of Mr. Francis Hughes, a gen-
tleman belonging to the royal chapel, who
had a very strong counter-tenor voice, and
could with ease break a drinking-glass by
adjusting his voice to the tune of it, and gra-
dually increasing it to the greatest possible
degree of loudness!! Such is the powerful
effect of concord in Great Britain!--In this
country, according to the Quarterly Review,
we 'tolerate no music except psalm-singing,
and love no poetry above the pitch of a ta-
bernacle hymn!' Mr. Gifford probably re-
ceived this information from the veracious
Mr. Weld, who, among other American
monsters of various species, describes the
miraculous moschetoes which bit through the
boots of general Washington!
There is an important fashionable amuse-
ment, which, although partially adopted, has
by no means attained a respectable footing
in this country: it is technically termed
BIBLIOGRAPHY, or BIBLIOMANIA. Bibliogra-
phy,' says a writer in the New Monthly
Magazine, 'so much the vogue now in this
country, does not appear to have made a
corresponding progress in America:' of the


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
171
nature of this amusement, a correct idea
may be better formed by an example select-
ed from among the noble peers of Great Bri-
tain, which I trust my fellow citizens will
see fit to follow--as far as their fortunes will
allow.
At the sale of the duke of Roxburg's li-
brary, a warm contention was entered into
between the marquis of Blandford and earl
Spencer, which should be the fortunate pur-
chaser of Il Decameroni di Boccacio, the
only perfect copy known to exist, being there
offered for sale. The dispute occasioned
great anxiety, when the marquis having bid
2260 pounds sterling, ($10,044,44!) the no-
ble earl gave in,' and the former came off
in triumph." To use the narrator's own
words, the engagement was very fierce, and
at its termination, there was a GENERAL
HUZZA! The marquis afterwards declared,
that he then had in his possession a copy of
the work, but as it wanted five leaves, 'it
was his intention to have gone as far as 5000
pounds,' rather than not obtain a complete
one!--The marquis of Blandford, and earl
Spencer are both descendants of the great
Marlborough, who, being likewise accus-
tomed to fierce engagements,' has thus
(
6


172
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
transmitted the blood of the Mirabels' to his
posterity!
There is a certain method of getting rid of
a troublesome wife, which, if introduced into
this country, would save the time of the le-
gislatures, as well as the trouble and uncer-
tainty of praying for divorce. It has stood
the test of many years trial in England, as
may be seen by a few among the numerous
examples which have occurred in that hap-
py country: these are selected at nearly
stated intervals, although I have not thought
it necessary to retrograde more than the
fourth part of a century. I am aware that
much opposition may be expected from some
part of our female votaries of Senta, but
there is still a respectable proportion, who
would be nothing loth to experience the
benefits of the custom.
On the 12th of June, 1797, a man who
had been two months married, offered his
wife for sale at Smithfield market, then and
there fastened with a rope to the railing: a
dealer in flowers having bid two dollars and
a half, he became the purchaser, and re-
ceived, together with the woman, 20 pounds
in bad half-pence!


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
173
"
On the 11th of March, 1803, another dis-
contented husband, led his wife to Sheffield
market, with a rope fastened around her
waist, and publicly announced that he want-
ed to sell his cow! A butcher officiated as
auctioneer, and knocked her down for five
dollars!
On the 27th of March, 1808, a third dealer
in human flesh, sold his wife at the market
house in Brighton, to a fisherman, for four
dollars and forty-four cents, and a blunder-
buss!
On the 11th of April, 1817, the exhibition
of the sale of a wife took place at Dartmouth,
where a brute dragged his wife to the pub-
lic quay for sale. She had been married
twelve months, was not quite 20, and could
scarcely be sustained from fainting, as her
husband dragged her along: she was pur-
chased for ten dollars by her 'first sweet-
heart!'
In May, of the present year, (1820,) we
find by the Monthly Magazine, that the prac-
tice remained in full force: Lately, at the
market cross in Leeds, a man led his wife
* in a halter, and sold her for one shilling and
six-pence,' or about thirty-three cents!
Q


174
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
It would be an easy matter to multiply
examples, but as they are only intended to
instruct American husbands, and teach them
the European mode of divorce, those alrea-
dy recorded will prove amply sufficient. It
may be well, however, to remark-lest I
should be accused of offering the worst fea-
tures of the case-that from the records of
Westminster Hall, and the periodical works,
newspapers, &c. &c. published in England,
within a single year, THIRTY-NINE cases of
wives exposed to public sale, like cattle at
Smithfield, have been collected, as well as
FIFTY-TWO cases of what used to be politely
termed in former times, a téte-à-téte, EIGH-
TEEN of which were of titled ladies,-to-
gether with SIXTY-EIGHT elopements!* How
many sales of wives by private contract,
According to the fashion of Mr. and Mrs.
Trent, in Fielding's Amelia, occurred during
the same period, cannot be ascertained.
I do not, however, pretend to affirm, that
no instance of this highly useful custom has
happened in these States: on the contrary,
there have been few better markets for white
females than our own independent presiden-
* United States and England, p. 59.


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
175
tial nursery! In the first days of that colony,
' on the motion of sir Edward Sandy, trea-
surer of the company in London, NINETY
GIRLS, young and incorrupt, were shipped
off in one consignment, by the grace of God,
and in good condition' to Virginia, and 'sold
for the benefit of the company, who had
never speculated in so marketable a com-
modity. The price of a wife was at first an
hundred pounds of tobacco,--but rose by de-
grees to an hundred and fifty; tobacco being
worth three shillings a pound: a wife, at that
time, was consequently worth precisely one
hundred dollars!
But--to descend to modern times--we find
with surprise, that some Tennessee wives
are about equal in value to the far famed
Circassians, and worth, upon an average,
about one hundred and fifty times as much
as a Smithfield beauty!-A Persian prefers
the charms of a Georgian, and examines
her 'points' with great minuteness; he se-
lects a slave with a rosy, or carnation tint
on her cheek,-dark hair,-large, black,
Antelope eyes, and arched eye-brows,-
small nose and mouth,--white teeth,-long
neck,-delicate limbs,—and small joints: for
--


176
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
a young one of this description, he pays
about 350 dollars. I venture to say, that
western speculators would have no objec-
tion to select their purchases by the same
standard, although I have not the means of
ascertaining whether the object of the fol-
lowing paragraph was actually gifted with
similar inducements; it is given on the au-
thority of the Monitor, a paper printed in
Franklin county, Tennessee: A few days
since (August 1818;) a man sold his wife in
this county for 325 dollars!
Various, indeed, is the value of woman,
dependent upon the whims and peculiarities
of time and country. One individual adorns
them with
ㅋ
​'Amazing brightness, purity and truth,
Eternal joy, and everlasting love,'
whilst another declares they are only fit
"To suckle fools, and chronicle small-beer!'
A Chinese beauty of number one, is worth
about $1000;-of number two, $500;-of
number three, $100;—and an ugly, or de-
formed woman, only $50: if they are blessed
with small feet they will command 50 to 100


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
177
per cent. advance!* The women of the Mar-
quesas are bartered for old iron;—the primi-
tive damsels of Virginia were valued at one
hundred dollars;--a Tennessee lady brought
three hundred and twenty-five;-Georgian
beauties sell for three hundred and fifty;-
a good, robust, well-formed, black, breeding,
Congo-ess is, perhaps, equally valuable;-
the ladies of Nicobar may be purchased for
a leaf of tobacco;-those of Thibet for pure
civility; and those of Smithfield for two
shillings and six-pence sterling, or fifty-five
cents and an half!-Such are the fluctua-
tions in price with regard to this valuable
commodity.
There are three 'bang-up' amusements,
which it is absolutely necessary to domesti-
cate before we can conquer the desoeuvre-
ment of high life, or be at all worthy of
European fashionable consideration. These
are, 1. Betting: 2. Cocking: and 3. Boxing.
*I do not include the higher Mandarins, nor principal
Hong merchants, who often give an enormous price for a
beautiful, or highly accomplished concubine;-but these are
the current prices, received from an intelligent Outside
merchant. In China, young girls of beauty are selected and
purchased by regular traders, who educate them for the
use of the powerful and opulent. Vide Voy. a Pekin, tome
2, p. 292-Van Braam. vol. 2, p. 181, Staunton, vol. 2, pp.
366, 512.-Barrow, pp. 145, 519, 595,-Du Halde, vol. 1.
p. 205.
Q 2


178
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
BETTING, with the exception of cards, is
almost exclusively confined in this city to
elections, probably because betting on the
result of an election is prohibited by an ex-
press law. I am rejoiced, however, to be
informed, by the following extract from the
Sporting Magazine, that an occasional in-
stance of spirited betting does occur in Phi-
ladelphia:
'BOLD BETTING.'
'A person in Philadelphia bet 500 dollars
that he would go into the Mayor's house,
give him a blow, and retire without molesta-
tion! Having told him his object, he gave
him a smart slap on the shoulder, and was
committed to prison!*
A few more examples of this nature would
gain us some respectability in Europe,-for
is it not shameful, that all the bets won and
lost in the city of Philadelphia since the re-
volutionary war, do not equal the amount
paid in ONE DAY at Tatersall's? 'It is sup-
posed by the best judges on the turf, that
300,000 guineas (one million and an half of
dollars!) were won and lost at Epsom, and
paid at Tatersall's on the following Mon-
day! Is it not afflicting that all the stakes
Sporting Magazine.
www.
*


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
179
deposited in all sections of the United States
during one year, does not, perhaps, amount
to one half the sums betted in the city of
London alone, during the same period, which
(according to Mr. Colquhoun) have amounted
to 31,111,111 dollars and 11 cents, besides
13,933,333 dollars and 33 cents, for fraudu-
lent insurances on lotteries ?*
*By the following information, derived from the Biblio.
theque Historique, we find that our French rivals are not
less triumphant:
BUDGET DES JEUX PUBLICS.
ETAT DES FRAIS ANNUELS DES JEUX DE PARIS.
7 Tables de Trente-Un.
9 de Roulette.
-
1 Passe Dix.
1 Craps.
1 Creps.
1 Biribi.
20
periodon
These 20 Tables are distributed about Paris; the established
stake varies from a Napoleon to a sous, so that every man
may find a table suited to his fortune.
Current expenses of these establishments
'Bail' to the government
Bonus for the bail'
"
·
Leaving a clear profit of
-
It appears from documents, that the average gain
of the tables is 800,000 francs per mo. or
·
·
Francs.
1,551,480
6,000,000
166,666
7,718,146
per annum. 9,600,000
Francs 1,881,854
And


180
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
6
Let us then imitate these brilliant speci-
mens of bon ton,' and instead of our Ren-
shaws and Rubicams, our Strattons and
Sixtes, forthwith establish models of the
far-famed Brookes and Boodles, and Tater-
salls and Whites of London!
It is a fact which no sophistry can invali-
date, that until we are enterprising and spi-
rited enough to hazard bets on the most
outré and novel experiments, we can never
cope with our English rivals: even in the
common art of pedestrianism we are but
ignorant tyros. Let a few examples bear
witness to the fact.
The celebrated pedestrian, Mr. Barnet
walked 1500 miles in 32 days; and not sa-
tisfied with this feat, actually completed the
distance of 1000 miles at the rate of 1 1-2
miles per hour, commencing at the first of
every successive hour!
A Mr. Eaton gained 1500, by walking
2000 miles in 2000 half-hours, beginning
at the first of every successive half-hour!
Mr. Edward Miller walked 100 miles in
And yet, in spite of this unanswerable logic of figures and
facts, there are every day fresh victims, who are infatuated
enough to believe that it is possible to counterbalance the
advantage which the bank possesses, by a judicious manage-
ment of the power the player has of altering his stake.-
Vide The Diary of an Invalid, p. 506.


FOREIGN FOLLIES
181
23 hours 54 minutes!-and a Mr. Wilson
walked the same distance in 24 hours, with
ease, at Yarmouth races, for 500 dollars!
A champion pedestrian' has offered to
stake 12000, that he would walk 4000 miles
in 2000 successive hours!-(This feat would
require 83 days, and 8 hours for its perform-
ance!)
Crisp the pedestrian walked backwards
seven miles in one hour and ten minutes!
On the 24th April, a boy ran nearly 60
miles by the side of a stage-coach in 6 hours
25 minutes, having performed eleven miles
in the first hour!
But some of our scrupulous exquisites
may object-in principle! to following ex-
amples emanating from the canaille; to dis-
sipate these honourable scruples (which,
however, need not prevent betting on the re-
sults,) let us select one or two from among
British military pedestrians.
Captain Barclay performed 1000 miles in
1000 successive hours, at one mile the hour,
and gained such universal fame, that he is
immortalised by the nomenclature of that
particular feat, thenceforth called the great
Barclay match!**
* This immortal pedestrian has elicited new scintillations


182
FOREIGN follies.
Lieutenant Brooke of the royal regiment
of horse guards, a famous pedestrian, walk-
ed 50 miles in 9 hours 58 minutes, and
ceeding 50 miles further, performed the
100 miles in 24 hours and 18 minutes!
pro-
The delicacy of our aspirants may there-
fore be conscientiously dispensed with.
C
It cannot be denied, as in the subjoined
instance, that fatal accidents will occasion-
ally happen, but such individual misfortunes
cannot be put in competition with the general
gratification of society: Mr. Graves, aged
21, landlord of the Lamp Tavern, under-
took for a wager of 120, to walk eighteen
miles in three hours; on his return he was
unable to proceed when within 3 miles of
completing his task, and within 35 minutes
of the time allowed. He was immediately
conveyed to a tavern, and medical aid was
obtained, but to no effect; he died the next
morning!
As to betting performances in general, a
great deal depends upon their variety, with-
out which they cannot be considered 'ex-
actly the thing:' a few brief examples will
of betting genius; he undertook for a large wager, to BEG
during six weeks as a common mendicant!


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
183
serve as a guide to the uninformed on this
side of the Atlantic.
Mr. Pheps Medley, a respectable trades-
man, bet 120 to 15, that he would drag half
a hundred-weight of iron 1400 yards up a
hill with a rope of that length, in the space
of six hours, which he performed in two
hours! A good deal of money was lost on
this occasion.' This was a very novel idea
of the respectable tradesman,' and betrays
a mind well versed in betting ingenuity.
¿
The hostler of the Dragon Inn at Har-
rowgate also elucidated talents of this na-
ture, not expected from a man in his situa-
tion: he undertook for a wager of one gui-
nea, (moderate enough!) to drag a heavy
phaeton three times round the race course
in six hours, and performed his arduous
undertaking in 2 3-4 hours!
Lord Gwydir had a French cook gifted
with like accomplishments. He won a con-
siderable wager by rolling a piece of wood,
like a trencher, four miles in ninety-nine
starts!
Two countrymen in England also invent-
ed a betting novelty. They placed 100 po-
tatoes separately in a row at one yard dis-
tance from each other, and stationed a bas-


184
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
ket at one yard from the first potatoe; which.
ever could gather up his 100 potatoes first,
by depositing each one separately in the
basket, to be entitled to the stakes, being 5
guineas. The conqueror completed his
task in 38 minutes having gone nearly six
miles! To how much better purpose might
our farmers employ their time in thus gath-
ering a few hundred potatoes, than in plant-
ing, weeding, and hoeing whole acres!
Mr. Usher, clown to the theatre, set off
in a machine like a washing tub, drawn by
four geese, from below Southwark Bridge,
and passed under four bridges to Cumberland
Gardens; the geese were harnessed to a
pole. On his arrival he offered to bet 100
guineas that he would return in the same
manner.
Two noblemen, oppressed with the ennui
of travelling, at length resorted to a novel
amusement, by betting 11000 on two drops
of rain rolling down the glass of the coach!
One of these Peers, a few days before lost
12000, on a MAGGOT race.
A respectable gentleman of Cambridge un-
dertook, for a considerable sum, to walk 12
miles on stilts, his feet being elevated one


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
185
1
yard from the ground, which he performed
in 3 hours and 53 minutes!
I will conclude these specimens of varie-
gated betting with the feats of certain gen-
tlemen of the medical faculty.
Two medical gentlemen undertook to
walk a certain distance in three hours, stop-
ping at every public house on both sides of
the road, (22 in number!) and drinking half-
a pint of porter at each, which they per-
formed within five minutes of the time al-
lowed, having swallowed ten quarts and two
pints of beer!
Mr. J. B. Gilbert, surgeon in his majes-
ty's service, for a wager of 31 guineas, un-
dertook to take out 18 teeth, more or less
carious, from patients selected for that pur-
pose, without the aid of any instrument_or
force, with his fingers only, and unattended
by pain, in 24 minutes! He completed his
task in seven minutes!
This is acknowledged by all to be one of
the most novel and ingenious bets ever of-
ficially recorded; but, when I consider the
professional skill in itself, I am almost wil-
ling to believe the newspaper-professions of
our dentists and surgeon dentists.
R


186
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
With respect to COCKING we have much
to learn, but as the rudiments of the sport
are pretty well known, and there would be
little difficulty in acquiring its practice in
the neighbourhood of Spring Garden, or the
purlieus of Feather Hall, the only thing to
be recommended is its general introduction
under the sanction of the civil authority,
according to the custom of England, where
- cock-pits exist, in various towns and cities,
under the immediate patronage of the res-
pective corporations;-for example, the cor-
poration cock-pit of Metropolitan Canterbu-
ry!-I believe, however, that interesting
scene of destruction, The Welch Main, has
not been got up in any of our private cock-
pits. As it will be the first step towards a
permanent domestication of this amusing
and humane pastime, and is, moreover, the
very essence of fashionable cocking, a brief
description will be necessary: 'It usually
consists of eight pair of cocks, who fight
till one half are killed; the conquerors are
then pitted against each other, 'till only
four being left alive, these are again match-
ed, and two being slain, the survivors are,
by an excess of barbarity, again set to fight;
so that of the WHOLE SIXTEEN there remains
but ONE ALIVE! We must, at least, respect


FOREIGN FOLLIES
187
the tender feelings of this writer, notwith-
standing he is so outré as to stamp a Welch
Main with the stigma of barbarity! In the
sight of fashion it is unequivocally the most
delightful and interesting amusement, with
the exception of prize boxers; we naturally
feel more gratified when the actors are hu-
man beings, like ourselves!
Of all the resorts to which British fash-
ion owes its present superiority, PUGILISM
possesses the greatest claims to our atten-
tion; not that private pugilism, which might
be useful in self-defence, but public prize
boxing, an art of such mighty power, that
it elevates the coal-heaver, the publican, the
porter, or the negro,—who happens to pos-
sess muscular strength, large bones, and a
thick skull-into the society of rank and
fashion. Crib and Molineux, by virtue of
this art, could ride in the coaches of nobili-
ty, and hang upon the arms of titled ' Co-
rinthians; yet Crib was a tavern-keeper,
and Molineux a black-man! However, in
some cases, it was very doubtful which
par-
ty was most disgraced by the association.
Let us then arouse from our inactivity,
and become followers of The Fancy: let us
become knowing-ones, learn how to hedge
off, and make ourselves proficients in sets-


188
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
to. Let us peel for action,-make play,-
throw about our handfuls of bones,-make
our adversaries kiss their mother earth with
their crupper-bones,-thump them in the op-
tics,--find out their victualling-offices,---cross-
buttock 'em neatly,---give it to 'em in the bread-
basket,-knob 'em, fib 'em and mill 'em,-
be bang-up to the weaving-system,—and per-
fect adepts in ruffianing bouts!
Laying aside the gratification arising from
prize boxing, it ought to be encouraged from
patriotic motives: Mr. Windham, the Par-
liamentary advocate* of bull baiting, box-
ing, and other sports of similar features, at-
tributes the support of British courage to
the general influence of ferocious customs:
-and the great lord Wellington derives the
origin of good swords-men from cudgel
playing! A grand match of single stick
playing took place at Sallford, 'principally
-
-
This illustrious statesman,' whose matchless elo-
quence caused the benevolent bull baiting bill of Sir
Richard Hill to be laughed out of the House of Commons,'
supported the pugilistic art on christian, humane, and na-
tional grounds, as a substitute for maiming encounters, and
the stiletto of other countries! But what says the Quar-
terly Review, a few years after the circulation of this so-
phistry? Assassination has become dreadfully frequent
among us.*
Qu. Rev. July, 1813.
C


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
189
C
at the suggestion of the illustrious duke of
Wellington,' who declared that it had ma-
terially tended to promote and establish the
great superiority of our gallant countrymen in
the use of the broad-sword: 'it was conse-
quently determined by many distinguished
characters to make it an annual meeting:'
nineteen heads were broken on this occasion!
C
There can be no doubt that the frequent
recurrence of scenes, such as I will now pre-
sent, will be attended with the most saluta-
ry consequences, by strengthening the feel-
ings of the rising and risen generation, and
making them familiar with suffering and
blood, without which they can never be good
soldiers, or great heroes: the battle of Wa-
terloo might have been lost but for the indi-
rect assistance of bull-baiting, boxing and
single-stick!
Let me now present a few pugilistic ex-
amples:
The first battle of Tom Oliver, a renown-
ed pugilist, was with a Stone Mason, who,
after a year and a half suffering, DIED from
the injury he then received!
But the murdered Mason at length found
an avenger in the person of one Carter, who
entered the lists with the redoubtable Oliver,
R 2


190
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
'
In the 32nd round, he (Oliver) was taken
out of the ring in a kind of stupor, and com-
pletely deprived of vision. The swelled ap-
pearance of his head beggared all descrip-
tion, and his body and back were shockingly
lacerated all over, from his struggling so
much upon the ropes: he was taken and put
to bed at Longtown, four miles from the ring,
and in consequence of the vast quantity of
blood he had lost, added to his exhausted
state, the surgeons who were called in, deemed
it highly dangerous that he should be bled!"
Randall and Turner, two professors of the
fistic art, afforded the Fancy considerable
amusement in the neighbourhood of London,
in December 1818; there was some disap-
pointment, however, excited by the death of
the queen, on which account the exhibition
was postponed from Tuesday to Saturday!
Notwithstanding it was only 21 miles from
London, as Saturday is a day of business
in town,' it was only attended by about twen-
ty thousand people!! At the close of the
7th round Randall showed such specimens
of an English bull-dog, and so exchequered
Turner's head, that it exhibited ONE MASS OF
CLARET!!! This crack specimen of an En-
glish brute, continued his advantage in the
C
1


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
191
C
next round, and split the bridge of his adver-
sary's nose;' after this he made another
tremendous right-handed hit upon the nose,
and the blood flew up to a tremendous height,
and scattered about on the outside of the
ropes!" In the 19th round, poor Turner was
bleeding copiously inwardly,' but manfully
'stood up until the 38th round, when Ran-
dall finished him by a flush knock-down blow,
in two hours and twenty-two minutes!'
6
According to the fickleness of fortune,
which in the first place revenged the death
of the mason on Oliver, we now find that
this same Mr. Turner had fully compensated
for the sufferings he underwent through the
last mentioned battle in 1818, by not only
defeating, but absolutely beating one Curtis
to DEATH, two years before! After a most
dreadful encounter, Mr. Curtis was at last
reduced to a wretched condition; 'on being
placed on his second's knee, his head lolled
on one side, he was in a state of darkness
and insensibility, and unable to come again.'
In a few hours HE DIED! and an inquest was
held upon the body; the surgeon who had
been employed, declared that his patient
was totally insensible, his head a complete
mass of blood, and not a single feature


192
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
•
distinguishable! What was the result? In-
stead of being manacled, and confined in
the cell of a murderer, the prisoner was ad-
judged guilty of manslaughter only, after a
consultation of twenty minutes, and suffered
to go at large under the care of an officer.
What a delightful resource would a simi-
lar occurrence prove-in the vicinity of Phi-
ladelphia! It would give animation to our
morning-calls, and evening conversaziones
for a month! Our newspaper editors would
receive great benefit in the shape of moral
reflections, religious thoughts, epigrams, and
epitaphs, our lawyers would be amused-
and our judges enlivened with an interesting
case of public murder!-Let us then have
our Mendozas, our Gullys, our Cribs, and
our Carters!
Such is one of the main supports of Bri-
tish courage, according to Mr. Windham
and his followers, which concurred to uphold
its invincibility during the late war, more es-
pecially at New Orleans, Baltimore, on the
frontiers of Canada, and the high seas in
general.
In our present state of barbarity, pugilism
in this country scarcely ranks above that of
Italy;


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
193
Their hands fair knocks, or foul, in fury rain,
And in the tempest of by-blows and bruises,
Not a stray fisticuff descends in vain,
But blood from eyes and mouth and nostrils oozes:
Nor stop they there, but in their phrenzy pull at
Whatever comes to hand,--hair, nose, or gullet."*
There is, however, one practice in vogue
among a few miserable wretches on the
banks of the Ohio, called GoUGING, which is
patriotically believed to be of domestic ori-
gin. I am sorry to destroy even this slight
claim to originality; but a certain Dr. Bards-
ley, of Manchester, has unfortunately com-
posed an Essay, which entirely destroys our
claim to that decisive invention: it was writ-
ten for the express purpose of recommend-
ing the art of boxing, as the best means of
preventing the prevailing practice of biting,
GOUGING, mutilating, and murdering.'t-The
Quarterly Review and Dr. Bardsley are de-
cidedly at variance, as the former has de-
fined gouging to be a diabolical practice,
which has never disgraced Europe, and for
which no other people (but Americans) have
6
a name.'
The gouging system of our Kentucky
brethren has been described by many travel-
* Rose's Letters from Italy.-Trans. of Battachi.
+ Port Folio, 1816. et seq.


194
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
C
lers. That arrant fugitive, squire Janson,
declares, that he actually saw a crowd ap-
plauding a fellow while he held up his an-
tagonist's eye in his hand!"* According to
Weld, the traveller of moschetoe-memory-
'the combatants pride themselves upon the
dexterity with which they can pluck out an
eye, bite off a nose, (vide the Manchester bat-
tles,) or break a jaw (remember Molineux!)
with the kick of their foot!' Ashe chimes
in; 'In roughing and tumbling, it is allowa-
ble to peel the skull, tear out the eyes, and
smooth away the nose!' The Rev. Mr.
Morse swells out the chorus; 'In coming to
close quarters, each endeavours to twist his
fore-fingers in the ear-locks of his antago-
nist. When these are fast clenched, the
thumbs are extended, each to the nose, and
the eyes gently turned out of the socket! A
writer in a periodical work of this city, for
May 1787, thirty-three years ago, affirms
that he saw one man throw another down,
and in an instant thrust his fingers into both
eyes, pluck them out, and throw them upon
the ground!" The sufferer-of course-had
C
* Stranger in America, p. 302.
+ Weld's Travels, vol. 2, p. 300.
Ashe's Travels, vol. 2, p. 28,
-


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
195
'a wife and six small children,' solely de-
pendent upon the labour of his hands.'-
Finally, Mr. John Palmer, who had much
better avoid a second tour through that sec-
tion of the Union, makes the following re-
marks. The question is generally asked,—
"Will you fight fair, or take it rough and
tumble? I can whip you either way, by
G-d!" The English reader knows what
fair fighting is, but can have little idea of
rough and tumble; in the latter case, the
combatants take advantage, pull, bite, and
kick, and with hellish ferocity strive to
gouge or turn each others' eyes out of their
sockets!
6
'
The inhabitants of England, however, are
not quite so ignorant of rough and tumble'
as Mr. Palmer pretends to believe. 'In some
parts of Lancashire,' says Dr. Bardsley,
man-slaying is a common practice. The
object of each combatant in these disgrace-
ful contests, is to throw each other prostrate
on the ground, and then with hands and
feet, teeth and nails, to inflict, at random,
every possible degree of injury and torment."'
In very truth, these men of Lancashire bear
a strong resemblance to the gougers of Ken-
tucky!


196
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
(
6
At one assizes, no less than nine persons
were convicted of manslaughter, originating
from these rough and tumble' encounters,
a specimen of which I now offer, that com-
pletely sears the laurels of our western boat-
men. It appeared in evidence, (at the Man-
chester sessions) that two persons upon some
trifling dispute at a public house, agreed to
lock themselves up in a room with the land-
lord, and "fight it out," according to the
Bolton method. Their contest lasted a long
time, and was only terminated by the loss of
the greatest part of the nose, and a part of an
ear belonging to one of the parties, which
were actually bitten off by the other, during
the fight. The sufferer exhibited at the trial
part of the ear so torn off; and when asked
by the counsel what had become of that part
of his nose which was missing, he replied
with perfect naïveté" that he believed his
antagonist had SWALLOWED IT!!"-Such
are the words of Dr. Bardsley, who further
declares, that he has witnessed, in more
than one instance, the picking up in the
streets, lacerated portions of EARS and FIN-
GERS, after these detestable and savage
broils!'


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
197
In the lively amusement of cruelty to-
wards animals, we have made considerable
progress. Our city councils authorise an
annual massacre of our faithful and affec-
tionate companions and protectors, the dogs;
and at other times their ears and tails are
lopped off according to the taste of the
owner: our butchers are admirably skilled
in tormenting calves and sheep before they
are slaughtered, and our rising generation
well versed in hunting cats, and shooting
into flocks of ortolans and black-birds. But,
not only from the evidence of our own
senses, but the testimony of English writers,
our greatest improvement in this branch has
been confined to the Horse. Of the truth of
this position, we may, in a certain degree,
judge for ourselves, by inspecting the oyster
equipages at Spruce street wharf, the rozi-
nantes of the wood-carts in all quarters of
the city, and the miserable display of hack-
horses in Dock street: but, considering the
authority, we should be cautious in admit-
ting the whole truth of the subsequent state-
ment, relative to this topic. Extravagant
praise sometimes borders upon irony, and
we ought never to permit our self-love to get
the better of our senses; as we are quickly
S


198
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
approaching the elevated situation of our
mother-country in this important particular,
we have no need of foreign encouragement
to hasten our advance.
"This instance of more than savage cruel-
ty was exercised on a poor horse, which the
Americans had made use of all day in cart-
ing their plunder, and in the evening, whilst
still tackled to the cart, tied him to the end of
a dwelling house then in flames, and amused
themselves in looking at the poor animal
making vain efforts to get loose: but there he
was burnt, and his bones seen there by the
writer of this account!
'Oh! horrible! Oh! horrible! most horrible!' '
Shakspeare.
When, where, or by whom, this exqui-
sitely original cruelty was performed does
not appear, but I cannot refrain from ex-
tracting the remarks of the writer, (or rather
author,) as a burst of eloquence, the more
astonishing as it is found in the pages of the
Sporting Magazine!
'Gracious Heaven!-(a pause:)—it har-
rows up our very soul to reflect on such dia-
bolical barbarity, that men should have wa-
ded so far in blood, (of a horse,) as to treat


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
199
all moral feeling with contempt-to tie a
useful animal to the stake*-to exhibit all
the outward signs of pleasure-to exult
with ecstasy on witnessing the horrid and
appalling convulsions, which nature vainly
made to escape from being burnt to death!
--Such wretches ought to be scouted from off
the face of the earth, and branded with the
opprobrious name of Infernal, to proclaim
their passions to those nations (in the other
world) who shall receive such abominable
delinquents!!!! Bless me!-this must have
been written by Counsellor Phillips! It re-
minds me of our own martial Parollo, who
offered a resignation to his commanding of
ficer, concluding in the following words:
'And when this mortal part shall be clo-
setted in the dust, and the soul shall wing
its flight to the regions above, in passing
by the pale-faced moon, I shall hang my hat
on brilliant Mars, and make a report to
each superlative star! and arriving at the
portal of heaven's high chancery, shall de-
mand of the attending angel to be ushered
into the presence of WASHINGTON!!'-This
is very like Irish eloquence.
* The orator has here committed a discrepance, as the
original place of torture appears to have been a house.


200
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
But alas! we are compelled, in almost
every particular, to succumb to British su-
periority. One might have thought that
roasting a horse would form a very inge-
nious climax to cruelty, and that our coun-
trymen had, at length, succeeded in surpas-
sing their transatlantic rivals: but no!-our
Roasted Horse vanishes before a ROASTED
MAN!! How difficult indeed is a positive
approximation! If we gouge the eye of one
man, they bite off the noses and ears of half
a dozen!-if a semi-savage on the frontiers
shoot the Indian assassin who has burnt his
dwelling and murdered his family, the roads
of England swarm with high-waymen who
will blow out one's brains for half-a-guinea!
--if an ill-bred, unfeeling carter overloads
his wood cart, the Prince Regent's fox-
hounds are 'blooded' by dislocating the leg
of an innocent deer!-if we roast a horse,
they roast a man!!
The history of the horse is recorded with-
out name, date, or location, but the history
of the man is contained in Blackwood's
Edinburgh Magazine, of which the follow-
ing are the precise words:
'On Friday (April 1818.) the deceased
called Borrowman, having approached the


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
201
spot in the muir of Dumbarton where some
men were engaged in smuggling, they at
first gave him whiskey, which he drank in
large quantities. They then stripped him
naked, and having rubbed his body with whis-
key, THEY SET HIM ON FIRE, and tortured
him in the manner of the American Indians.
He survived only 24 hours!"
Respecting the treatment of the horse in
England, lord Erskine declared, in the
House of Peers, that he could bring the
most unexceptionable testimony to their lord-
ship's bar, to prove the existence of such
practises as were a disgrace to humanity,-
to a civilised nation; one barbarous practice
was the cutting and tearing out the tongue
of so noble an animal as the horse.' He also
observed that they were bought up by deal-
ers in horse-flesh, not to be killed at once
for their skins and flesh, but to be literal-
ly starved to death, that the market might
be gradually fed!"-in the mean time the
poor animals even 'gnaw each other's manes
from hunger!-Even the Sporting Maga-
zine, that official organ of fashionable cru-
elty, declares, that the places of these deal-
ers are ' dens of famine, animal misery, and
C
$ 2


202
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
torture, which might make humanity WEEP
TEARS OF BLOOD!"
Nothwithstanding the progress of this re-
finement, it is, in our country, generally
confined to the lower classes, but if I pro-
duce no less an example than the mighty
monarch who now fills the British throne,
our men of the ton' can have no hesitation
in extending its improvement.
<
Some years ago, the Prince Regent's fox-
hounds were taken out to be blooded to their
new game: two couple of the stag-hounds
accompanied them. A stag was turned out
from a cart, whose leg had been dislocated,
in which agonising state he ran an hour and
three quarters, and was taken beyond Hart-
ford Bridge! This account may be found
in that same sensitive Sporting Magazine,
which contains the marvellous history of the
roasted horse.
IN DOG-FIGHTING, we have many black-
guards and butcher's-boys who take great
delight; but-except in private places, where
no general gratification is afforded, nor bet-
ting carried on, there are few gentlemen
independent enough to patronise that noble
amusement, so well calculated to improve
the breed, and add new strength and valour


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
203
6
6
to the canine defender of man! In Eng-
land such effeminacy of taste is not the
fashion.' A desperate battle took place at
Ridgeway, near Plympton, Devon, between
two celebrated bull-dogs, severally belong-
ing to Colonel Berkeley, and Mr. Benjamin,
umbrella-maker of Plymouth. After a fe-
rocious contest of one hour, in which Mr.
Benjamin's dog was nearly torn to pieces,
the victory terminated in favour of Colonel
Berkeley's dog. The Colonel went to the
ground in his coach, drawn by four grays,
accompanied by three or four gentlemen, and
a LADY!! and Mr. B., attended by a friend,
followed in his gig. The scene of battle
was thronged by a great assemblage of dis-
tinguished characters!"
BULL-BAITING has, of late years, fallen
into disrepute: I perfectly remember the fre-
quent occurrence of this delightful sport,
near the turnpike gate on the Ridge Road,
and can only account for its annihilation in
two ways, -fear of the law, and the
want of fashionable impetus. I, however,
trust, when we consider the superior fla-
vour afforded to our beef-steaks by the
emollient exercise of Bull-Baiting, together
with the pleasures of witnessing the hercu-


204
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
lean defence of that noble animal, that our
legislature will at least, (according to Eng-
lish custom) wink at its commission, and
our young men institute regular associa-
tions for its support.
The more I examine into the subject, the
greater becomes my national jealousy, while
witnessing the guilty supineness of my coun-
trymen, and the mighty superiority of Great
Britain. Let us take example from the
Annual Bull Runnings, and Bull Baitings
of Tutbury and Stamford;-let us emulate
Caleb Baldwin, Bull-Baiter, of Tothill-
fields, Westminster!
But it will be necessary to describe the
Tutbury and Stamford customs to which I
allude, commencing with the former, and
making use of all possible brevity.
The Tutbury custom is of great antiquity,
being connected with the endowments of
the priory, the superior of which was obli-
ged on a certain day, on the morrow af-
ter the assumption of the blessed Virgin,'-
to deliver either a bull or 40d. in money to
the 'King of the Minstrels,' who was ac-
companied by every minstrel in the honour
of Tutbury,' which comprehends the coun-
ties of Stafford, Derby, Nottingham, Leices-


FOREIGN FOLLIES
205
6
ter, and Warwick. After the dissolution
the custom was entailed on the possessors
of the priory. On the appointed day a bull
was turned out from the gates of the priory
having the tips of his horns sawed off, his
ears and tail cut off, his body smeared all
over with soap, and his nose blown full of
beaten pepper! If any of the appointed
pursuers cut off a piece of his skin before he
could reach Derbyshire, he became the pro-
perty of the king of the minstrels, but if he
reached there sound and uncut, he again
reverted to the lord-prior. In the first case
he was collared and roped, and so brought
to the Bull-Ring in the High Street at Tut-
bury, and there baited with dogs.**
C
Many alterations in this usage took place
at subsequent periods, and it was a few years
ago, entirely abolished by the Duke of De-
vonshire, the grantee of the priory estates.
The Stamford bull running and baiting
is still continued, (1816) of which the fol-
lowing is a concise account: A certain earl
of Warren in the time of king John, hav-
ing accidentally witnessed the confusion and
uproar occasioned by the hunting of a mad
6
*Popular Pastimes, p. 22.


206
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
bull through the streets, was so pleased with
the sport,' that he gave certain meadows,
in perpetuity, to the butchers of the town,
C upon condition that on the anniversary of
that day, viz, exactly six weeks before
Christmas, they should forever provide a
mad bull for the continuance of the sport.'
'In the modern practice, the shops and
houses are all shut up, and all the avenues
of the town closed, when the bull is turned
out; the poor animal is then pursued by
dogs, men, women and children, with a din
that might rend 'Heaven's concave,' till
with their bull-clubs, sticks, staves, &c. THE
SKIN AND FLESH are literally separated FROM
HIS BONES!
6
Such are the English butchers' of Stam-
ford, and such is the amusement of which
we are deprived by our own inactivity! O!
that one of our members of Congress would
imitate the example of that enlightened
statesman'-William Wyndham Esquire-
and cause boxing, bull-baiting, and bear-
baiting to be considered essential in form-
ing the character of the people, and giving
strength of feeling, and valour to the rising
generation! Without this, we can never
cope with the children of Stamford.
<


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
207
I cannot close the subject of bull baiting
without recording a most novel improve-
ment, invented by the men of Staffordshire;
let us extract the words of Dr. Bardsley him-
self, from Nicholson's Philosophical Maga-
zine for 1806: at a bull-baiting in Stafford-
shire, after the animal had been baited with
single dogs, he was attacked by numbers let
loose upon him at once. Having escaped
from his tormentors, they again fastened
him to the ring; and, with a view either of
gratifying their savage revenge, or of better
securing their victim, they actually cut off his
hoofs, and enjoyed the spectacle of his being
worried to death on his BLOODY AND MAN-
GLED STUMPS!!'-Well may we repeat the
quotation of the historian of the roasted
horse,
'Oh! horrible! Oh! horible! most horrible!'
I have already written enough to show
the vast difficulties that must be encountered
before we can reach the pinnacle of Euro-
pean fashion, and the prospect is positively
disheartening.
Why do we not abandon our gum-ticklers
and phlegm-cutters,-our cocktails and clear-
comforters, our anti-fogmatics and gall-


208
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
breakers,* and get drunk as they do in Eng-
land at a 'jockey' or a 'tally-ho club?' or dine
like lord Byron, on the wing of a partridge,
* I cannot resist the introduction, in this place, of an ex-
tract from the Lecture of Dr. Mitchell, a dignified profes-
sor of physic in New York, who has thus ridiculed the va-
rious denominations and classifications of drinks,--with a
true professional accuracy and dignity.
ANTIFOGMATICS, &c. &c.
Popular remedies against external and internal foggi-
ness.
Genus 1st. GUM TICKLER warms the gums, and removes
bad taste from the mouth, after sleeping.
Species 1st. GLASS OF GIN.
2nd. DRAM OF BITTERS.
3d. RAW SLINGS, or any other good stuff.
(Alcholic.)
4th. SMALL HORN of distilled cordial.
To be taken immediately on awakening, or at farthest,
on getting out of bed, to be repeated pro re nata. Should
there be no fog in the morning, take the preventive, lest
there should be one in the course of the day.
Genus 2d. PHLEGM CUTTER, for cleansing away the mu-
cus that lines the throat, and removes thickness and hoarse-
ness from the voice, and renders breathing and swallowing
easy.
Species 1st. EGG-NOG made pure.
2nd. MINT-JULIP stiff.
3d. BRANDY-SLING, pretty well to the northward.
4th. HOLLAND TWIST, not too weak, lest the wa-
ter should curdle the phlegm.
To be taken as the fog may indicate, toties quoties, be-
tween dressing and breakfast.
Genus 3d. GALL-BREAKER, challenges the grand enemy
the bile, or calls the bitter foe to health to come forth from
his lurking hole to a place where his forces may be broken
in fair action.


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
209
and two bottles of Port? or-for either ex-
treme is equally 'the go'-feast, like a lord
Mayor on green fat, calipash, and calipee,
moistened with prince-regent?* Let our
sober members of congress evince some
scintillations of spirit, and emulate the hic-
C
Species 1st. GROG (rum and water) one to two, to over-
come the insipidity or bad taste of the water.
2nd. FLIP (rum and beer) heated with the red
poker until it foams.
3d. SAMPSON, rum and cider stewed over the
coals.
4th. TODDY, grog and sugar with pulp of roasted
apples.
5th. PUNCH, toddy with lemon juice, not too
strong of the water.
6th. BISHOP, rum and wine, for the benefit of
both.
7th. DOCTOR, rum and milk, diffusible and per-
manent stimuli.
8th. COCKTAIL, rum and honey, to combine
sweetness with strength.
To be taken as the state of the weather may require,
during the continuance of the fog.
Genus 4th. CLEAR COMFORTER, employed when the fee-
bler agents fail to resist sufficiently the intensity of the fog,
without and within.
Species 1st. TINCTURE OF BARK, by the gill.
2d. SPICED WINE, with ginger, hot, and qualified
by whiskey.
3d. CURE-ALL, rum and brandy, 4th proof, equal
parts, heated so as to simmer, and stewed with
a spoonful of red pepper to take off the chills.
Whiskey punch, so named from the fondness of 'an
illustrious personage' for that liquor; if the same rule of
T


210
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
cupping honours of Pitt and Dundas, in the
House of Commons!
Our ladies, too, have a glorious opportu-
nity of signalising themselves, by encourag-
ing the art of Painting, after the fashion of
The Water Cress Girl, and lady Hamilton:
instead of these novelties, among the fair
sex, we are pestered with Dr. M-l's eru-
dite account of the somniferous Rachel Ba-
ker, or a prosing editor's history of that won-
derful old spinning woman-Sally Babb!
Heavens! what a contrast-lady Hamilton
and Rachel Baker!-The Water Cress Girl
and Sally Babb!
If our ladies could be induced to follow the
footsteps of the British fair, we might have
our Erskines and our Garrows, our Cur-
rans, and our Phillips' and be amused with
the horrors of a fire-side desolation, or laugh
when the bright temple of anticipation falls
smouldering into the burning whirlpool of
reality!!
christening were extended in the ratio of the 'fondness,'
we should have but one name for all the liquors in the
world--but water!
'Who holds more wine than others can,
I count a hogshead-not a man.'
Randolph.


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
211
I am well aware of the difficulties that
oppose the introduction of many fashions
from one country into another, arising from
the different feelings and manners of nations;
and that causes which originate them in
England might have a very different effect
in this country. A queen of France dis-
covered a flea upon her arm, and a king of
England, a more troublesome insect on his
plate; but mark the different effects pro-
duced at St. Cloud, and at St. James. The
French belles immediately invented a fash-
ionable couleur-de-puce, but all the attend-
ants on English majesty were compelled to
wear wigs!
Our English origin, similarity of language,
and above all, our determined taste for Bri-
tish inventions, tend to destroy such obsta-
cles.
If our belles are so unfashionable as to
plead the opposition of their worthy MAMMAS,
as an effectual obstruction to fashionable
notoriety, they may with perfect propriety,
not only advocate their wishes on the broad
ground of an improvement in the state of
society, but refer such unconscionable pa-
rents to the days of their youth, when they
were decorated with broad-hoops,' and
C


212
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
"bell-hoops, high-heads' and 'low-heads!"
When--according to a writer of that time,-
'the wool which might cover the legs of
hundreds of the poor, was deviated from that
use, and manufactured into odious BUST-
LERS!''The bustler must yield to the feel-
ings of humanity;' continues the indignant
moralist, excepting, with due charity, the
cases of aged matrons and antiquated vir-
gins,' on account of their 'frigidity."
After premising that this fashion reigned
in the good city of Philadelphia about thirty
years ago, let me describe the origin of Bust-
lers, for the sole benefit of those young ladies
who are subjected to the censures of their
mothers, either for immoderate lacing,-for
using steel supporters instead of whale-
bone, or for wearing corsets at all. In the
year 1783, a German Luchess visited Lon-
don, adorned with a jutting magnificence,
which engaged the attention of the ladies of
that court, who forthwith put the inventions.
of their mantua-makers to the torture, to
discover some habiliment which might con-
vey a correspondent protuberance to their
own persons. A woollen bolster, called The
Bustler, was accordingly manufactured, be-
ing named after the fashionable duchess
-


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
213
who had been gifted with natural endow-
ments to excite the envy of the British fair;-
and our mothers soon introduced the fashion
into this country.
C
The old critic who abuses our ancestors,
also attacks their enormous hats bedizened
with a profusion of ribands and feathers,'-
so that upon the whole, (as the reviewers
say) our élégantes may, with great success,
vindicate the symmetrical perfection of cor-
sets, by reviling the horrid rotundity of bell-
hoops and bustlers.
If their mothers, according to immemorial
usage, preach about the growing degeneracy
of fashionable customs, let their daughters
remind them of ancient fashions; not only
of the old ludicrous accoutrements of a Phi-
ladelphia belle, but of all anterior customs.
Let them call to their remembrance the gay
ladies of the fourteenth century, who (ac-
cording to Knyghton) were used to dress
in parti-coloured tunics, one half being of
one colour, and the other half of another;-
their lirripoops or tippets, very short;--their
caps remarkably little, and wrapt about their
heads with cords;-their girdles, and pouch-
es ornamented with gold and silver, and
wearing short swords, called daggers, before
T 2


214
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
them, a little below their navels!' Sometimes
these damsels wore head-dresses enormous-
ly high, rising almost three feet above their
heads, in the shape of sugar-loaves, with
streamers of fine silk flowing from the top
of them to the ground!'
If any unfortunate 'bang-up' has an ill-
natured, old-fashioned, preaching, PAPA, let
him justify his exquisiteness by referring to
the reign of Edward the third; for, although
in all human probability he never before
heard of such a person, he may be assured
that I do not magnify the fashionable oddi-
ties of that period. A beau then 'wore long
pointed shoes, fastened to his knees by gold
or silver chains;-hose of one colour on one
leg, and of another colour on the other;-
short breeches which did not reach to the
middle of his thigh, and remarkably tight;-
a coat one half white, and the other half,
black or blue;-a long beard;-and a silk
hood buttoned under his chin, embroidered
with grotesque figures of animals, &c. gold,
silver, and precious stones.' What reasona-
ble father can now impugn the moderation
of the present day?*
* I of course allude to the moderation of all countries; for
however strange may be the garniture of an English fop


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
215
The origin of many fashions, which might
otherwise have been ridiculous enough,
pleads forcibly in their behalf. Are we not
patriots enough to admire the fashionable
gentlemen of that court, who with one ac-
cord arranged their heads in such a position
as to assimilate to, and conceal the defect of
his majesty, who had a wry neck? or those
faithful subjects who instituted high cravats,
because their royal master had a scrofula in
the neck? Should we not admire the be-
nevolence of fashion, which (in the invention
in 1820, it is somewhat less ridiculous than that of the
'olden time.' To prove this assertion, I take advantage of
the following extract from the letter of an American lady in
London, descriptive of a dandy lord, and dated about two
months ago.
I was in Hyde Park on Sunday. It was crowded with
fashion. Lord Petersham is the blood of the day. He is the
most complete show I ever saw. He wears large musta-
chios, a beard or tuft on his chin, very high collar to his
shirt, a black cravat tied in a large bow where the ruffles
should be, a white dress, resembling a carter's frock, and
over that a black jemmy coat, almost off his shoulders, with
his coat sleeves turned half way up his arms, his wristbands
covering his hands. He wears a very small hat, with a very
low crown, and a small rim, just to cover the top of his
head, and a bouquet before him completes this object. He
has a little footman, in white livery, by his side. He bawls
out, "how are you," so loud, you can hear him almost over
the Park. His face is as yellow as a pumpkin. He at-
tracts general attention, and whenever he stops, he is sur-
rounded.'
(
$


216
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
of large bonnets,) coincided with the views
of an unfortunate countess, who, with a most
enchanting mouth and chin, had lost an eye
by the small-pox? and with exemplary kind-
ness, followed the example of a noble lady,
who, being afflicted with a swelled face, in-
clined her bonnet till one side touched the
shoulder, and thus concealed her deformi-
ty?-Our ladies may, therefore, with impu-
nity, institute such novelties as they please,
without fear of subjecting themselves to ri-
dicule from the other side of the water.
The invention of woman is so varied, that
I do not pretend to dictate any new method
of attaining fashionable pre-eminence; but it
is only by a decided revolution of established
rules, that permanent fame can be acquired.
For example, let our belles condemn cor-
sets, and symmetry of form; they will have the
whole faculty of physic to support them in
the first measure, and no less a personage
than the king of Great Britain as an ally in
favour of embonpoint! They are fortunately
in possession of the means of acquiring it,
according to the custom of fattening Turk-
ish beauties: they must use no exercise, live
in dark narrow rooms,' lie on soft cush-
ions,' eat nothing but maize soup,' and
"


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
217
keep 'strict silence!' The latter would, of
itself, be enough to hand the memory of the
taciturn inventress down to the latest pos-
terity!*
With domestic concerns, our true élégan-
tes should never interfere; it is a pre-emi-
nent token of vulgarity. Let Rubicam roast
Canvass Back Ducks, broil Bull-Frogs, and
stuff Ortolans; and let kitchen-wenches beat
trifles, strain jellies, and make blanc-monge;
-let Mrs. Glass, or Mrs. Carter, or Mon-
sieur Viard-Le Cuisinier Impériale'-
dive into the mysteries of Gastronomy, but
never let our Belles be transformed into
femmes-de-bouche and cook-maids! For
myself, I would rather never behold a roas-
ted turkey at Christmas, or a plum pud-
ding at Yearly Meeting, than suppose the
*I will merely glance, at present, at the introduction of
that innocent custom, called 'bundling' and 'tarrying;'—
which, according to Liancourt, is the effect of the purest
manners and most innocent intention:' and according to
Doctor Burnaby, of simplicity and innocence!'
Before such an amusement could be tolerated, it would
be necessary to introduce the Ruffianos and Cavalieres Ser-
ventes of Italy; and our belles should be taught to sport
double entendres like a Parisienne,-be as plain spoken as
the ladies of Naples!--and practise the straddling stride'
of the women of London and Novogorod!--Vide Johnston's
Travels in Russia, p. 221.


218.
FOREIGN FOLLIES..
taper fingers of beauty had stuffed potatoes
into its craw, or been contaminated with
the beating of its eggs, or the vile mixture
of its batter! I would rather feed upon the
beef steaks of Abyssinia, the bird's-nests of
Pulo Penang, the cat-soup of China or the
puppy-broth of Malta, than owe my exist-
ence to the degradation of a woman!
Dr. Cooper says 'the waste and inele-
gance of an American kitchen is horrid!
and a female writer exclaims in a tone of
simple pathos, 'Alas! how seldom, in this
country, do we meet with good drawn-but-
ter!-If this waste and inelegance' can-
not be remedied, or the drawn-butter' im-
proved, without the instrumentality of an
American Lady, may our culinary abodes
remain in the like situation ad infinitum!
C
There is one strong objection to Female
Duelling, or it could perhaps be introduced
with notorious success: if our Demoiselles
adopted the practice of the celebrated
French female antagonists, it would have a
very serious effect on the manners and con-
versation of many male aspirants, who would
be so intolerably fearful of committing them-
selves by a lapsus linguæ, or an unavoidable
mistake, that they would either visit sub si-


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
219
lentio, or abandon the society of women al-
together. Taking every thing into consi
deration, it would be preferable-notwith-
standing the following English example,—to
avoid its introduction;-for, should it be at-
tempted, many of our exquisites would be
absolutely condemned to a living purgatory!
In every glance of beauty's eye they would
see the flash of a pistol, and in every word
from her coral lip, recognise the sound of a
blunderbuss! What a revolution would be ef-
fected: we should be afraid to gaze with admi-
ration on the features of a beautiful girl, lest
she should knock us down for our imperti-
nence; and tremble in making more than
one visit during a season, lest we should have
our brains blown out for intentions which
we never harboured!
"Two ladies in high life, having had a
dispute at the Princes' Féte, a challenge ac-
tually ensued, and the parties proceeded to
Kensington Gardens with their female se-
conds, who took with them a brace of pis-
tols each, in their ridicules. The seconds
having charged, by mistake put in the balls
first. The Amazons afterwards took their
ground, but missed fire, when their differ-


220
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
ence was adjusted by the interference of
their mutual friends."*
As our ladies are yet to be made acquain-
ted, in general, with the art of horseman-
ship, I would decidedly recommend, to the
aspiring, the adoption of the coUGNANTAIN-
SECOUIMA METHOD, which not many years
ago, was practised by the ladies of France,
who wore buff-small-clothes, and half-boots,
covered with a garment buttoned before,
to open occasionally like a gentleman's
waistcoat.' The danger and inelegance of
the present mode of riding, are too appa-
rent to be particularly noticed, and owe their
origin solely to the fickleness of fashion, by
which they may with equal justice be des-
troyed. If our primitive parents had taken
a promenade à cheval, can any one believe
that Adam would have endangered the safe-
ty of his beloved Eve, by permitting her to
ride on a tottering and dangerous founda-
tion, whilst he was secured in a firm and
well-balanced position? Certainly not. Let
our ladies, then, emulate the Amazonians,
and rival the intrepidity of the Calmucks!
Our gentlemen, themselves, are not very
English Paper.
C


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
221
C
expert reinsmen,' and I verily believe the
majority are so ignorant as not to know the
difference between a Buxton Bit and a
Charlton Bridoon! It is time to shake off
this apathy: let our clever ones' delight in
the music-of-the-bars,' and endeavour to
take off the shine' from the Barouche' and
"Four in hand' Clubs!-cut out the eye of
a fly, and bring blood' with every back-
hander!
6
C
(
C
C
،
،
FORGETFULNESS is also the essence of
fashion. You should never remember a
friend in misfortunes, or a benefactor in
poverty; the oftener you call a person by the
wrong name, the more notorious you will
become. There is some art, however, in
managing a real fashionable want of me-
mory; you should always mistake a beautiful
young girl for some shrivelled mummy of
antiquity; ask a bride just married how her
sweet little baby comes on;'-and affection-
ately question some disappointed old maid
about the health of her husband. If an ac-
quaintance has just lost his wife, you should
not fail to inquire after her health, and if a
disconsolate lover has just been jilted, be sure
to ask him the time of his intended mar-
riage. Always request a divine to play
،
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1


222
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
cards, and even go so far as to whisper a
double entendre into the ear of a gentleman,
and solemnly protest you mistook him for
Miss Such-a one. Never permit a bloom-
ing petit mûitre to approach you, without
saluting him by the name of the most de-
formed and disagreeable gentleman of your
acquaintance. Ask a dandy when he in-
tends to publish his next sermons, and beg
every theological writer you meet with to
play Vingt-un, and how he was pleased at the
last Horse-Race! If you meet a modest vo-
tary of the muses who has just appeared
in hot pressed twelves,' rail most vehe-
mently against the production-condemn
it as poor, native trash--a perfect narcotic
--a deep shock-an utter horror'—and a
vile bore; and after pronouncing him a
dull, inanimate, monotonous mannerist,
earnestly beg his pardon for not having be-
fore recognised the author. In fine, a real
élégante must posses as treacherous a me-
mory as the Irishman who made the follow-
ing note in his Mem. Book; 'Passing
through Dublin, to remember not to forget
C
Miss
*
to
**
*1,
-
*
marry
But it is not in high life alone that such
improvements must take place, as will ele-


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
223
vate our fashionable character to the proper
heighth. Tailors must be Men-Mercers;--
Milliners, Marchands-de-mode;-Barbers,
Perfumers;--Shoe-blacks, marchands-de-
Cirage,*-Coachmen, Grooms;--Waiters,
Valets;- -Chamber-maids, Femmes-de-
Chambre;---and Cook-Maids, Culinary-
Goddesses!
Our servants must attain a perfect know-
ledge of single and double-raps, as well as a
certain fashionable impudence and non-cha-
lance, peculiar to a London Lacquey; who,
in our present state of degeneracy, would be
kicked out of any gentleman's house in Phi-
ladelphia before he had been domesticated
ten minutes!-One of these independent
gentlemen has, by an advertisement in the
Morning Post, given a fair insight into the
character of his fraternity; after offering his
services as a Groom, he informs the public,
that as he never lived with any but gentle-
men of the greatest respectability, he hopes
none but such will apply!
C
* These gentlemen ought, moreover, never to use any
other professional ingredient but Real Japan Genuine Wa-
ter-Proof Patent Leather-Preserving Chemical Blacking.


224
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
6
Our cinder-wenches, however, (IF Mr.
Janson is worthy of belief!!!) have already
manifested some dawnings of spirit, which
may in time communicate itself to their fel-
low-domestics. I called,' says he, at the
house of an acquaintance; a maid servant
opened the door-"Is your master at
home?"-"I have no master"-" Dont you
live here?"-"I stay here"-" And who are
you then?" "Why, I am Mr.
-'s help-
I'd have you know man, that I am no sar-
vant; none but negers are sarvants?"*____
Nor are certain descriptions of tradesmen,
and others, entirely debarred from the ad-
vantages likely to accrue from the general
introduction of English customs.
Our GROCERS Would be especially bene-
fited by adopting the profitable plans of their
brethren in Europe. They may learn to ma-
nufacture teas from sloe-leaves, alder leaves,
white-thorn leaves, and ash leaves:-to dry
those intended for black tea, on an iron-
plate, and colour them with logwood;—to
bake those intended for green tea on copper-
* Stranger in America, p. 87.--If such a conversation
ever took place, which is not very probable, squire Jan-
son's repulse was, perhaps, as much owing to his fugitive
character, as to the impudence of the servant.


FOREIGN FOLLIES
225
sheets, and colour them with Dutch pink
and verdigris! They may make flour and
mustard answer all the purposes of flour of
mustard, while yellow ochre can, with great
profit, be mingled with ginger, and rape seed
with pepper! They are already well enough
versed in doctoring brandy, gin, rum, and
whiskey!
Our WINE-DEALERS (if it is actually want-
ing,) may also acquire a profitable experi-
ence in doctoring their wines. They may
colour their red-wines with Brazil wood,
alum, and husks of alder berries, and bil-
berries; and give them a fine astringent taste
with oak-wood saw dust, and husks of fil-
berts: If they wish to clear muddy white-
wine, let them use gypsum or lead; and bit-
ter almonds will afford it a most delicious
nutty flavour. Port may be flavoured with
seeds of raisins;-and to inexperienced doc-
tors, I would recommend in general, sweet
* So long ago as 1783, the report of a committee of the
house of commons, stated the quantity of factitious teas then
manufactured per annum, to be four millions of pounds,
being more than half the usual quantity imported into this
country per annum, and about equal to the whole consump-
tion of the United States!-In London there are establish-
ed manufactories of these teas.
† Accum on Culinary Poisons. et seq.


226
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
briar, oris root, clary, cherry laurel water,
elder flowers, and abundance of cider!
C
Our BAKERS, no doubt, are well enough
acquainted with the properties of alum, if
we may judge from the difference existing
between their bread, and that substantial
substance manufactured in our private hou-
ses. All is not gold that glitters,' or, in
other words, it is not always the whitest that
is the best bread. However, there are still
advantages to be appropriated to their share:
they perhaps little know, that from the use
of subcarbonate of ammonia, they can ac-
tually manufacture white, firm, and sweet
bread from sour flour!!-and immensely be-
nefit themselves by the simultaneous incor-
poration of pipe clay, chalk, or potatoes!
Our BREWERS-if some of the beer of
our public houses is to be the test,—are per-
haps better acquainted with their own in-
terest than is generally imagined: but, to the
ignorant, I would remark, that Ginger Root,
Coriander Seed, and Orange Peels, will give
a goodly flavour to beer!-that Quassia,
Wormwood, and Capsicum impart a fine
bitter taste(and that Cocculus Indicus is
an exceeding pleasant narcotic for porter
and ale! Without entering more fully into


FOREIGN FOLLIES.
227
their particular uses (which a knowledge of
the purposes to which they may be applied
renders unnecessary,) I will merely mention
the names of molasses, honey, vitriol, grains of
Paradise, liquorice, and opium! It is indeed
time our brewers should be acquainted with
bittern, multum, and black extract.
Nor shall our little DAIRY MAIDS be whol-
ly neglected: to them I recommend the
very advantageous mixture of arrow root or
rice powder with their cream!*
IN concluding this chapter, let me once
more exhort our exquisites, if they do not
individually wish to be pointed out as a
'rara avis in terris,' to introduce the noble
exercises of England,- -FOX-HUNTING,
HARE-HUNTING, and STAG-HUNTING;--SHOOT-
ING, FISHING, and HORSE-RACING;—BULL-
* Such are a small proportion of the frauds committed in
London; the extent to which they are carried in other ar-
ticles, such as Drugs, Medicines, Jewellery, &c. almost
exceeds belief.
In Mr. Accum's Treatise on Adulteration of Food, &c.
&c. &c. we find the following monstrous list of articles,
which are daily sold in London in a sophisticated, and in
most cases, poisonous state: viz. Anchovy-sauce, Beer,
Brandy, Bread, Catsup, Cayenne-pepper, Cheese, Coffee,
Confectionary, Cream, Mustards, Drugs, Gin, Lemon-acid,
Lozenges, Malt-spirits, Mustard, Olive-oil, Paints, Pepper,
Pickels, Porter,Printing-paper, Rum, Soda-water, Soap,
Black and Green Teas, Vinegar, and Wine!


228
FOREIGN FOLLIES.
BAITING, BEAR-BAITING, and BADGER-BAITING;
--GREY-HOUND-COURSING, SINGLE-STICK, and
CRICKET-WRESTLING, BOXING, and PEDES-
TRIANISM;—HOAXING, BETTING, and cock-
FIGHTING!
THE END.
555M





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