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'Apery, Ellen
ociable ghost. Being the adventures of

THE
SOCIABLE GHOST


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North porch of Trinity Church, and the first meeting of
the sociable ghost and the newspaper man.


The Sociable Ghost.
BEING THE ADVENTURES OF A REPORTER WHO WAS INVITED
BY THE SOCIABLE GHOST TO A GRAND BANQUET, BALL,
AND CONVENTION UNDER THE GROUND OF OLD
TRINITY CHURCHYARD. A TRUE TALE OF
THE THINGS HE SAW AND DID NOT
SEE WHILE HE WAS NOT
THERE.
WRITTEN DOWN BY
OLIVE HARPER
AND ANOTHER.
ILLUSTRATED BY
THOMAS MCILVAINE and A. W. SCHWARTZ.
“ The breezy call of incense breathing morn,
The swallow twittering from the straw-built shed;
The cock's shrill clarion or the echoing horn
No more shall rouse them from their lowly bed."
(COPYRIGHT 1903, BY J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY.)
NEW YORK:
J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY,
57 ROSE STREET.


:


TABLE OF CONTENTS,
PAGE
CHAPTER I.
THE BEGINNING OF THE ACQUAINTANCE.
9
CHAPTER II.
THE REPORTER MEETS THE LEADER OF THE FOUR
HUNDRED
.
36
CHAPTER III.
THE GAMBLER'S PENANCE .
59
CHAPTER IV.
THE MENDED Ghost
• 78
CHAPTER V.
THE PRINCESS FROM EGYPT
IOI
CHAPTER VI.
THE Ghosts TELL STORIES, AND COMPARE NOTES 141
CHAPTER VIII.
THE GRAND BALL, CONVENTION AND END OF IT
ALL
203





LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.
PAGE
North porch of Trinity Church, and the first
meeting of the sociable ghost and the news-
paper man
Frontispiece
“Drat that toe! I'm sure I broke it off”
.
.
33
.
54
“I flatter myself that the decorations are fine”
• Did you say that to me?”
66
62
.
16
'I won't play if such favoritism is shown"
.
76
The mended ghost
.
79
“But you must join us
87
“Forget it, forget it!”
95
The Princess Shep
.
109
With a smile of ineffable sweetness she vanished
.
I 20
122
“Don't rouse the sleeping lion'
“I found her sitting at the piano”
153
They had evidently found the buffet
166
.
The dance and cake walk
178
N. B.-While other books have pictures “taken from life,"
it should be noticed that those in this book are taken from
death,


܀


DEDICATION.
To all who are able to read between the lines,
and understand
the real purpose and meaning of this book,
it is dedicated with
the sincere friendship of the authors.





CHAPTER I.
THE BEGINNING OF THE ACQUAINTANCE.
At the northwestern end of Trinity Church
stands a clump of bushes under a tree, and lying
under both bushes and tree is a large, flat stone
with the inscription quite effaced. It is the en-
trance to one of the old family vaults. Beneath
this dense shrubbery in the darkness at night
sat a young man.
The hour was so late that
even in that busy neighborhood the lights were
few and far between, except in the tall newspaper
offices
up
the street.
Few people could be seen on the great thor-
oughfare which but a few hours before had been
so animated. Stillness reigned save for the oc-
casional train of cars now and then whizzing by
at the back, and the Broadway cars shooting
along at great and uninterrupted speed in front.
The young man was not ilļ por out of employ,
as the notę book and pencils in his pocket would
9


10
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
show. Yet he was plainly out of sorts with every-
thing.
A little dog came sniffing around him and he
kicked it viciously, and a starved kitten crept
timidly up to him, whereat he picked a piece
of stone from the slab and threw it at the little
creature which, frightened, scampered away in
the darkness.
Aroused thus from his reverie, the young man
looked and felt more miserable than ever. He
was surprised at himself, for this was the first
time in his life that he had ever made a move-
ment to harm an animal. His conscience pricked
him and he did not like the sensation.
From all this it may be inferred that the young
man was in love, and that was the truth; and
worse than all, the girl of his choice was now as
unattainable as one of the stars in the Milky Way.
First of all, she was the only daughter of a
millionaire, and secondly, she was to be married
the next day to an impecunious nobleman from
sunny France. Thirdly, she had eyes only for
the grand title. And that was why this young
man sat alone in the darkest corner of Trinity
churchyard, kicking dogs and stoning cats.
That very day his chief had given him an as-
signment to go and write a description of the
wedding presents. He had turned in his copy,


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
II
and not waiting to find out if there was anything
else to do, went out, and with the instinct of a
hurt dog, had chosen the darkest spot he knew
of, and had crept down to this place, which even
in daylight is gloomy, prepared to suffer as much
as he wished to, unknown to anyone. If he went
home he must see his adoring mother. He was
not prepared for that. He felt that he could
not bear the scrutiny of her soft but penetrating
glance until he had gotten over the worst. He
knew well that she would see his trouble, even
though he said no word, and that she would wait
for him to speak. But, even this unspoken sym-
pathy was more than he could endure. He in-
tended to fight it out alone, now and in the dark-
ness, shut out from human kind and curious
scrutiny.
A fine old pipe and a paper of tobacco, not yet
opened, and a box of matches were in his pocket,
but he was in no mood for the soothing in-
fluence of the weed. In another pocket was a
flask of good whiskey which he always carried
for such emergencies as might arise in his pro-
fession as
reporter, but it was full and un-
touched. He had forgotten that he had it.
The noises of the great city were settling down
to a soft hum as it approached midnight. The
trains and electric cars were fewer now, while the


12
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
throbbing of the newspaper presses away up on
Park Row sounded clear and distinct in his ears as
the other noises ceased. The sweet calm of a mild
May night fell unconsciously upon him and
brought with it a feeling almost of resignation.
Suddenly he became aware that he was not
alone. Amazed and bewildered, he saw that the
old graveyard was waking up, and that from
every grave issued a shade which took form as it
rose fully free from the earth.
A shadowy figure quite near him appeared en-
tirely ignorant of his presence, and as soon as
his cerements were free from the mould of the
grave from which he had come, gave an audible
sniff, shook himself so that his bones rattled
like a bag of dry oyster shells, and as he did so
said:
“Zounds and pea blossoms! What wouldn't I
give for a good pipe full of tobaccy! I've a
notion to stay dead."
Saying this the loose jointed ghost threw one
leg over his tomb stone and began to drum on it
with his heels, while he folded his bony arms
with supreme disgust.
The newspaper man, now all alert to the situ-
ation, hurriedly opened the paper of tobacco
and filling his pipe, which was of that warm,
rich hue of brown so dear to the heart of the


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
13.
smoker as the result of many hours of solitude,
and much copy, he lighted it and sent out a couple
of whiffs to pave the way for his voice which
followed the puffs of smoke. The ghost still sat
drumming with his heels on the stone and watched
the operation.
"If I-may I-offer you my pipe?" stammered
the young man.
"You may, indeed, and be sure of the thanks
of a man who has not smoked for so long that
he has almost forgotten how it tastes.”
The ghost sighed so heavily that the rags flut-
tered around as he drew himself up with dignity,
at the same time covering his breast bone with
the morsels of his shroud. He received the pipe
most graciously and enjoyed it with infinite gusto,
though, to be sure, the smoke seemed to ooze out
afterwards from all over his angular anatomy.
The little heart of fire glowed brightly in the
bowl of the pipe, and as the rich cloud of smoke
gradually enveloped the ghost, it told more elo-
quently than words could have done of his enjoy-
ment. The newspaper man stood ready to fill it
up again, and it suddenly occurred to him that
possibly the contents of the small flask in his
pocket might prove acceptable, so he made bold
to offer it, saying:


14
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
"I have a little old whiskey, if you ever in-
dulge
"Indulge! Dear sir, you are a Christian! I
have not had a snifter for-as many years as
I have been dead. Tears enough to float a seva
enty-four gun ship have bedewed my grave, but
nobody has ever thought of pouring out a little
good rum. Ah, there is a flavor about rum so
rich and fine that it makes one think of all the
molasses in the world boiled down into one bottle.
Here's to your health; your very good health, the
health of your wife, your children, your mother,
and hoping that your bottle may never be empty!"
With every fresh sentiment the ghost lifted
the bottle to his mouth, and at last handed that
and the pipe back with evident reluctance. The
pipe was now cold.
“Would you care to smoke again?" asked the
young man.
"I would indeed, my good sir. I cannot tell
you the comfort you have given me on this oc-
casion, an occasion only too trying to the most
hardened ghost.”
"May I ask the nature of it?"
"You may; you may. I owe you that much.
But, before I do, let me move around so that
I cannot see that fellow's head stone. It makes
me sick. Just see that epitaph. I knew the


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
15
chap, and all about him. The epitaph tells how
brave he was in the Mexican war where he fell
a hero. Instead of dying like a hero, he ran like
a whitehead-he did--and caught his foot in a
vine and fell into a cactus bush and was kicked to
death by a Roman nosed mule with one loose
shoe. It was that loose shoe that did the busi-
ness.
Here the ghost fell to puffing again with a
vigor born of vexation and disgust. The news-
paper man now saw that there were many other
forms quite as unsubstantial as this one walking
around slowly. He noticed also that they kicked
vigorously at some of the head stones as they
passed, and that they all appeared to have and
show a special hatred for some dark objects scat-
tered among the graves. The young man could
not resist the desire to know why the other
ghosts seemed to be so angry. The ghost who
was still smoking with evident pleasure, said:
"Oh, the usual thing."
"And what is that, if I may ask?"
"Oh, just as if it is not enough to be dead and
not have your passport yet! Here come a lot
of fools and stick flowers over your grave. It
is true that we do not have so much to com-
plain of in this respect as some of the newer cem-
eteries do. The most of us have been here for


16
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
so long that we have no relatives to come here
and leave them, and the public thinks it is quite
honor enough to be buried here. Other ceme-
teries may be forgotten or removed, but this one
is as solid as the rock of Gibraltar. It is honey-
combed about as much too. And there are flow-
ers enough growing in their proper places with-
out sticking more around. There are more
useful things to do than that. We don't care so
much for sentiment as people seem to think we
do. We have learned the value of it. We have
grown practical."
The newspaper man held out his hand for the
pipe to fill it again, gently asking the ghost to
tell him what this special occasion might be,
adding that he would be very grateful for any-
thing that the ghost might be willing to impart,
as probably he would never have a better chance
to learn.
The other ghosts sauntered along, looking en-
viously at this one as he sat there smoking vehem-
ently and reflecting. It actually appeared that
the ghosts could see and that they looked at
him, though in the very nature of things they
ought not to be able to see without eyes. Their
efforts to appear entirely unconcerned while the
favored one sat smoking were funny, or would
have been so under any other circumstances.


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
17
The young journalist had mentally christened
this as the Sociable Ghost, and he waited silently,
observing him while he did so, and pondered on
the delight of the smoker as he in time became
conscious of the glances of envy and overwhelm-
ing smoke-hunger of the other ghosts. They evi-
dently would have done anything for just one
whiff at that pipe, but they saw that there was
nothing to hope for, and that they were confront-
ing another bloated monopoly. But they all
ranged themselves in line with apparent careless-
ness, so that the night wind should waft the
smoke toward them. They sniffed the smoke
eagerly and looked as though they would like to
annihilate the smoker.
Apparently unnoticing and unconcerned, the
Sociable Ghost continued to smoke as though re-
flecting on what he should say to this young
man, and possibly it occurred to him that if he
told all there was to say too soon, the young
man might go away, and there was still quite
a lot of tobacco in the paper, and some more of
the whiskey which he had left in the flask for
good manners. He could not jeopardize what
might be his last chance.
“There is a sort of sameness here," said the
ghost irrelevantly, with a comprehensive wave of
the hand, “particularly in the architecture.” And


18
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
then he suddenly kicked at a bone which had at-
tracted his attention, though how it had escaped
the attention of Floyd, whose whole life is spent
in trying to keep the place immaculately clean
is a mystery. The young man thought per-
haps the little dog had brought it in. But, how-
ever it had come there, it seemed to annoy the
ghost greatly. He said angrily:
“There's reverence for you! There's respect
and sentiment. When I was a small shaver I
regarded a graveyard as a sacred place, and
a
scarcely dared to let my little feet fall for fear
they might weigh too heavily on the sainted
dead below. Sainted dead! Now that is a good
one, too! Well, perhaps familiarity does breed
contempt. If you will excuse me for mentioning
it, my pipe is out,” remarked the ghost rather
abruptly. The young man filled it, and at the
same time the thought intruded itself into his
mind that the ghost had said “My pipe.” The
ghost took it gracefully and after a couple of
puffs said:
"If you like, we will walk around a little while
I smoke this last pipe, for I shall soon have sights
to show you, as well as things to tell, and must
hurry before we begin the carnival."
"Begin what?” asked the young man a little
nervously.


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
19
"Well, we have a sort of convention of all the
ghosts of this city and some delegations from
other places, some from quite a distance, I be-
lieve. We are to have a dance after some speech
making and a banquet. There will also be some
general amusements such as are permitted in
good society. After that we do our penance
that is some regard it in that light, but I do not
for it makes the stone lie heavy over my head.”
As the Sociable Ghost said that he waved his
hand indefinitely and stood up on his skeleton
feet and prepared to walk.
"As we go along I will tell you many things
that never came to your knowledge, and they
may be of service to you in after life. If I had
known all that I am going to show you and tell
you to-night before I died, I might have done
some things and not done others, and so short-
ened my probation a good while. I then would
never have been stuck under this lying stone."
In the meantime the number of ghosts grew
larger so rapidly that it seemed there would soon
be room for no more. The ghost said:
"The most of the ghosts that you see here to-
night above ground are invited guests, and they
come because the march of civilization as you
call it, has left them no place where they might
hold a reunion of their own, for it is only in


20
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
1
settled cemeteries that there can be such a func-
tion as you shall see here to-night—that is if
you wish to remain.”
The newspaper man hastily signified that he
would indeed like to be present at such a func-
tion. Up to the present time in his career as a
reporter he had never finched from anything in
the way of sight seeing, and after having wit-
nessed so much that was strange and hazardous
he was not going to flinch now. The ghost con-
tinued:
"The whole place is honeycombed with vaults
which we can at will transform into a place be-
fitting the occasion. This is done by means of
certain powers given us, but before I go on I wish
you to take particular notice of my head stone.
Why, I will tell you later. I know all the
ghosts belonging to this place and many more,
and whatever I may say about them will be
truthful history and no one will say that I have
ever belied him.”
The young man hastened to remark that he
was sure of that, adding that he had always heard
of the chivalric manner in which the men of the
past generations spoke of others, and especially
he adi red the reverence which they showed to-
wards all women, which was very beautiful.
A strange, crackling laugh was the answer to


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
21
this. It sent the cold chills galloping up and
down the reporter's spine. It also checked any
further expression of his admiration of by gone
manners.
"Young man, you are positively refreshing !
We did regard all women except our own and the
ugly ones with the greatest consideration. That
has been the rule since the world began, and
will be unto the end. But to resume. Look now
at my head stone. I was a rich man in my day
and time and had every reason to expect a fine
monument with a weeping willow on it or at least
a cherub, and a nice big slab. Just see what I
got! It reminds me of one Christmas morning
when after I had been extra good for three
months hoping to get a bright red sled, I found a
copy of Sanford and Merton in my stocking.
I wonder I didn't turn out to be a pirate! Maybe
I didn't go out behind the barn and tear the
thing up, and lie like a little imp when they
found out the book was gone.
Since then I
made it a point to lick every man by the name of
Sanford or Merton that I ever met. Fool names,
both of them.”
“I don't blame you a bit,” said the young man
with spirit, as the remembrance of much the same
experience flitted across his mind. The Sociable
Ghost continued:
a
"


22
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
"Pardon me for interrupting-I am a little out
of practise in telling a story. To take up the
thread of my narrative. Here you see a measly
little slab of red sandstone, and no sign of the
little cherub that sits up aloft watching out for
the safety of poor Jack. I was a captain and
commanded my own ship. She was as fine a ves-
sel as ever rode out a gale. I loved every timber
in her hull and every rope on the rigging and
every spar and mast and sail as women love their
young ones.”
"I can quite understand that," assented the
young man.
"Well, my ship made me a rich man. My relict,
to offset the strict economy that she showed in
the matter of stone, had a lot of stuff about my
noble qualities and my pious—and all that. So
much indeed, that not half shows above ground.
All of this makes me just so much work and
dirty work. Digging down in it without imple-
ments! You may see where it says that I sailed
to Liverpool, and so I did, once or twice, but
the most of my voyages were to the West Indies
and to Africa. I brought cargoes of rum and mo-
lasses for the merchants who were in the busi-
ness here then, and who were not ashamed of
working in their own warehouses, and whose de-
scendants to-day put on many grand airs. They
1


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
23
talk about their ancestors, as though they had
been of some superior clay. I hate airs, and al-
ways did. Nine out of ten of these old merchants
dealt in either slaves or rum. The slaves came
from the coast of Africa. I brought them for the
account of these people whose descendants put on
the airs. I suppose from the legend on my head
stone if I had left any descendants they would
have put on quite as many airs. I am glad I
did not. As I said, I hate airs."
“I think any right feeling person does,” haz-
arded the reporter, who was a little in doubt as
to the outcome of this conversation.
"I held my wife so close in money matters,"
continued the ghost reminiscently, "being thrifty,
and looking forward to the time when I should be -
able to stay on shore, that I never let her know
how much I had. Later, when she got control of
all my earnings she had so profited by my ex-
ample and teachings that-well, you see what a
head stone she gave me. I had done many things
for that money—things that I now wish that I
had not done. I taught her economy and by
George! when she had a chance to pay me in
my own coin, she did it and she did it well.
Just look at that miserable chunk of old sand-
stone all covered with a lot of da-I mean a lot of
untruthful stuff that will keep me at it I don't
1


24
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
know how many years yet. If she had known
she could not have revenged herself on me worse.
She gave all my clothes and a puncheon of good
rum to the fool sculptor, and I am just waiting
for him to come down here. If he ever does, I
won't do a thing to him but make him think he
mistook his vocation and ought to have been a
boiler maker and stayed safely in one of his iron
clad boilers."
As the angry ghost delivered himself of this
speech, he somehow took on such a fierce expres-
sion, shown more in attitude than feature-since
he had no features—that the young man was
sincerely glad that he had not been guilty of
carving the objectionable stuff on the fast crumb-
ling stone. As they walked along the ghost
continued :
“Now, take notice that this stone has all the
epitaph rubbed out. The name only remains, and
that proves that he was a pretty good sort. Here
is another where the epitaph is all gone except the
date. Now that is a good start, isn't it?"
The young man murmured something about
it seeming so, though he was entirely in the dark
about it. Still he knew enough to keep still and
let the ghost tell his story in his own way and in
his own time. Many a time he had man-
aged to secure a fine story for his paper from


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
25
some one who had declared that he had noth-
ing to say by judiciously keeping silence,
curbing his curiosity and inquisitiveness, and
speaking only when absolutely necessary. He
began to feel that he was going to get something
to-night not often given to mortals, and he men-
tally arranged the headlines of the story, for of
course he would sell it. Every other experience
save one had been made to yield him so many dol-
lars, and it was natural that this strange meeting
should appeal to him only as a scoop beyond
the power of any mortal to equal. So he discreet-
ly awaited the pleasure of his ghostly companion.
He wondered if the pebbles hurt the ghost's feet.
He felt a little delicate about mentioning it, par-
ticularly as he could have proposed no remedy
even if the pebbles did hurt. Soon the ghost
stopped by a rather small head stone, and in a
reminiscent manner said, between the delicious
whiffs of smoke:
"I well remember when the fashion for these
cherubs went out and fancy monuments with
weeping willows on them came in. I had not
been dead then very long, and I was wondering
which I would get and thinking what a luminous
old gump I was not to have made some pro-
vision for just such a contingency. By dying
suddenly my widow had things her own way,


26
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
and a pretty mess she has made of it as you see.
Well; cherubs went out and weeping women in
weeds standing over funeral urns took their
places. I had thought that the new ones looked
more dignified and were superior, but since then
I have come to see these cherubs as they are.
Where there are cherubs there is not much epi-
taph. Have you ever seen these cherubs ? No?
Well come then, and take a good look at them for
they are worth the trouble. Some of them will fill
you with envy to think you cannot have one right
away to watch over your slumber—I don't think.”
This last was said with an indescribably wag-
gish leer, and the reporter began to think he was
on the right road to a new experience and that
this man who had been so long dead still could
see the humorous side of it all, and that would
certainly be from a new view point.
They walked along until they came to one part
of the cemetery where there seemed to have been
an epidemic of head stones with cherubs on them.
The ghost stopped before one of them and said:
"Just take a look at this cherub and see the
mouth-or rather where the mouth once was
and notice how it is all worn away, that is if the
sculptor did not die before he had finished his
work. Here is another where the mouth is half
gone, and the 'expression is half a mocking smile


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
27
on one side and nothing at all on the other.
Some have faces round and others have long
ones; some smile and others have the lips drawn
down almost to the chin in a lugubrious line each
side of the face. Just notice this one! The shape
of the face is like that of a Bartlett pear with
the big end down, and around the head is what
the artist fondly believed to be a halo of glory;
but it looks more like a bunch of oakum tied to a
ruffled nightcap. The oakum is supposed to rep-
resent the living flame of sacred fire. And just
catch onto the wings! And note the general
expression! These things were much admired
in those days, and were considered the highest
form of expression of poetic thought. I think
I even complained just now that none had been
put on my head stone, but after all I'm blamed-no
blessed glad of it for they are silly and they do
grate on my sense of the fitness of things, and
they might after all interfere with my passport.
Oh, yes; I will tell you about that later. Just now
I want to show you around a little, for probably
you will never again have an opportunity like
this."
Here the reporter caused a slight interruption
in the conversation by handing the ghost the
flask with a quiet grace which completely cap-
tivated his heart, that is, the ghost of a heart.


28
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
The ghost took a few swallows and with a Ches-
terfieldian bow returned it to the young man and
then continued his running commentaries on the
head stones.
“Now we come to a new departure in cherubs.
You see this one is not very well supplied with
flesh, and is cut to represent a skeleton's head.
I have noticed in many churchyards that it is
considered quite the thing to preach sermons to
the living on the mutability of human affairs,
and therefore these things are put on the stones.
I think the most of them are put there out of
spite because the person down below had to die.
I know quite a number of ghosts who have told
me that they left instructions for their own epi-
taphs. So you see the ghosts get some comfort
out of the gruesome warnings, but I doubt
that any one living was ever scared into repent-
ance by them. I know one old fellow who gets
so mad every time he hears people up above
read his epitaph and laugh at the time honored
words of 'As I am now, so you must be; prepare
for death and follow me-
Here the reporter could not restrain his tongue
and he asked if it were possible for the dead ly-
ing in their graves to really hear, and know what
was passing. The ghost replied:
"Oh, yes; we know all that goes on above


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
29
ground, that is if it interests us enough to make
us care to take the trouble to learn. We each
find out what we most care about, much as you
who are not dead do, and we talk it over at our
hour of release.”
"And that I suppose is between the hours of
twelve and one?”
“My young friend, you are behir.d the age.
There was a time when people believed that ghosts
could walk only at the hour you mention, but
there is one night when we can walk from sunset
to one o'clock, which you see brings us into an-
other day. We can walk, run, dance or do any-
thing we like, within certain limitations. You
have happened here on the only night in the year
when we can do this. We have been going the
rounds below ever since the sun went down and
now we are coming up as you see. We leave our
coffins and go about—and in short-you shall
see it all to-night.”
Here the ghost gave a sniff of disgust and an-
ger, and pointing at a head stone, said:
“Now, just look at that! They have gone and
‘restored that head stone and had all that fulsome
epitaph recut in it. And, they thought they were
doing a meritorious action, and that will give that
poor fellow no end of trouble to get it out again.
And, he cannot get his passport until he does. And


30
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
here is another similar case. See this stone?
Well, only to-day the descendants of this man-
take notice that I say who has slept, for he is
wide awake enough now and hopping mad-
came and gave orders that the inscription be re-
stored. Poor fellow! He has been at that try-
ing to scrub it out ever since 1796. It seems that
some of the families who have so little to be proud
of in this generation try to make it up by piling
more misery on their dead ancestors, just to
show that they had ancestors with such very flat-
tering records. Bah!”
"He must be rather old ?" hazarded the re-
porter with a desire to learn something besides
the opinion of the ghost regarding the inscrip-
tions, whereupon the ghost turned sharply around
and said with some little show of asperity:
"He was only about forty and he is the same
Ghosts cannot grow older, for there is
nothing for them to grow with. Here is the
grave of Alexander Hamilton. Later I shall
show you what he looks like now."
Saying this the ghost seemed to be absorbed
in reflection for a few moments. Suddenly he
spoke:
"What a pity that you have no more whiskey.
There are several persons here to-night who
would so enjoy a good snifter. The worst fea-
now.


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
31
ture about our banquets is that all our food and
drink are as unsubstantial as we are.”
“I could go across the way and get some, if
you will wait for me,” said the young man eager-
ly, for it occurred to him that he would like to
see the effect of a generous allowance of real
whiskey on the ghosts, and there were apparently
legions of them now strolling around among the
graves and through the church.
“Never mind for this time,” said the ghost.
"I have had all that is good for me, and I always
knew when I had enough. Besides, I would like
to take a rise out of some of these fellows to-
night. You see, it is a great thing for one so
long dead to have any friends left alive anyhow
and above all one who knows enough to bring any
creature comforts like the pipe and whiskey."
The young man bowed, and said no more on
that subject, but he began to think that this ghost
was entirely too prolix.
“Notice, my young friend,” said the ghost, con-
fidentially, "as they strolled along toward the
south side of the churchyard; "all these stones
are set facing the sunrising. Now, some might
think this was done on account of the formation
of the ground, but it is not so, for it would have
been just as easy to have faced them all south,
north, east or west. This is simply the last linger-


32
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
ing remains of the old heathen custom and belief
that the rising sun represents the resurrection
of the dead. The ancients also believed in pour-
ing out drink offerings and libations, and, my
friend, they were nearer right than we are with
all our boasted civilization. Nothing can be of
benefit to the dead, unless it is spirits which are
ethereal in themselves, and smoke which is evan-
escent, and almost intangible. I assure you there
are times when we could appreciate a glass of
good rum. That being a spirit in itself, we assim-
ilate it easily and enjoy it thoroughly. But our
civilization does not believe in offering libations to
the dead, more's the pity. I knew an old heathen
once who had been buried hundreds of years, and
he used to make us all as mad as hops when he
told us how his descendants, as is the custom
there, came regularly to his grave and poured out
good spirits. By George! It almost made me
wish that I had been one myself.”
After that sentiment forcibly expressed, the
couple walked along in silence for a short dis-
tance, and the ghost stubbed his toe against the
slab covering the Barclay vault. This bore the
date of 1762 in measurably clear letters. The
good-natured ghost seemed suddenly changed in
regard to the mildness of his disposition, as he
hopped around on one bony foot and said things,



“Drat that toe! I'm sure I broke it off.”—Page 33.


3


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
33
>
some of them sounding like a word beginning
with a big D and ending with a little n. The
newspaper man bowed his head over the tomb
of brave Lawrence, and had a severe coughing fit
to cover up his unholy amusement, and whether
it was that the ghost was too much occupied in
rubbing his toe, or whether he really did not
see it, this danger passed, and the ghost turned
and limped toward the front of the church and
across the porch. As he did so, he said:
"Drat that toe! I nearly put it out of joint !
I despise airs anyhow, and folks that think them-
selves too good to have just plain graves, and go
and dig vaults and leave the slabs lying right in
one's path. If I had them aboard my ship I'd
fix them. I'd stow them so close that when they
got out they would think that a six foot grave
was an extended plain or a rolling prairie. I am
afraid I shall have to tie that toe on, for I am
sure it must be loose.”
“Can I be of any assistance?" asked the re-
porter.
"No, you can't. Excuse me if I am short, but
the damn thing hurts.”
“I had an impression that after one is dead
there could be no more bodily pain-that all
suffering of the body is over," hazarded the
newspaper man.
9


34
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
"Well, get rid of that impression in short
order,” said the ghost as he sat down on the edge
of the porch and struggled to tear off a piece of
his shroud to tie up his toe. "We can suffer as
long as there is anything material of us left to
suffer, and also mentally as long as things go
wrong that we left behind us when we died.
Zounds! How that toe hurts !”.
The young man expressed his sympathy so
warmly that that and perhaps somewhat less of
pain calmed the ghost so that he took up his in-
terrupted conversation.
“If you use your eyes, young man, you may
see here the present homes of many persons who
have made the history of New York; yes, even of
America. Many of the names are known in
every household in the land, and streets have been
named for most of them. Among them you will
find the names of the founders of the old fam-
ilies, though to be sure, when I come to think
of it, many of them have long since received their
passports. You therefore will not see them to-
night. But you may see some of the Van Dams,
Kissams, Ludlows, Moores, Vestrys, Goelets,
Desbrosses, Duanes, Worths, Lispenards, Jays,
Hulls, Jones, Dominicks, Bleeckers, de Peysters,
Murrays, Chambers, Watts, Kings, Munroes, Le-
roys and a whole lot more. I can't remember


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
35
them all just now. But, a man has got to be
something before he gets a street named after
him. Some of the old members of these fam-
ilies were not so rich as their descendants are to-
day. There were no millionaires in my time in
New York."


CHAPTER II.
THE REPORTER MEETS THE LEADER OF THE GHOSTLY
FOUR HUNDRED.
The Sociable Ghost and the newspaper man
continued their walk though the ghost still limped
painfully. The reporter tried to bring himself
to offer his arm for the ghost to lean upon, but
somehow he could not seem to care to get too
close to the living skeleton as he mentally con-
sidered him. Still he would not willingly have
dispensed with his company. Finally the ghost
took up the conversation where he had left it off.
"I was not born then, let alone being dead, but
I have often conversed with the founders of this
mother of churches in this country, and also the
founders of those first families at our reunions.
You just ought to hear them go on about the
extravagance of their descendants. They say that
when they were taking up subscriptions for build-
ing the new steeple, Joseph Aspinwall gave one
36


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
37
pound six, and Oliver Schuyler put down one
pound; Mrs. Coddington gave two pounds, while
Gilbert Livingstone gave five shillings and six
pence. Philip Schuyler donated six shillings,
Mrs. Hamilton gave two pounds fifteen shillings,
and Rip Van Dam, one pound six shillings, and
so on no one giving much, if any more than two
pounds. This was while John Cruger was vestry-
man with Isaac Decker and Josephus Bayard as
co-laborers. I notice that the women were more
generous then as now to church matters and
needs, and it has always been a question with me
why this is so. Now, is it because as a general
rule the women did not have to work for the
money as the husbands did, and so they did not
appreciate its value, or is it because the women
are by nature more generous and more religious
than men? I heard somewhere once that it was
said that it is the women who sustain the
churches. Well, I don't care. Wow! That toe
twinges!"
All this did not interest the young reporter as
much as the ghost seemed to think it should, but
politeness forbade him to make any sign. His
appetite was whetted for what was to come and
he did not wish to destroy his chances. He had
a vague idea that he had read something like this
in the archives of this old and honored church,


38
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
while preparing a description of the third hun-
dredth anniversary, but as he saw that the ghost
liked to enlighten his ignorance he wisely kept
silence. At this moment the ghost said:
“Come on, it will soon be time now. But before
we go take one look at the head stone erected to
the memory of William Bradford. He was the
first Government printer and spent fifty years in
the service, and left this world worn out with
old age and labor. He printed the first Bible in
this country, and his old press is kept as a memo-
rial.
"He was a decent, simple, hardworking chap,
and used all his strength in his work. And, he
didn't get rich either. Well; maybe you have
seen instances of the truly good getting the fool
good to sign away their lives for the benefit of
the truly good. I put this matter in a mild form,
for I am apt to get hot under the collar when I
think of how many of the fool good fellows are
bound down to a life of underpaid toil to give
others the benefit of it all."
Here the ghost paused impressively, and the
reporter bowed seriously as though fully agreeing
with him. In fact he did fully agree with the
ghost completely, for he knew something of the
matter himself in a small way. The ghost re-
sumed:
a
>


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
39
"When I say the truly good, I mean those who
are so very good that the fool good are blinded
by their reputation and so toil for them for next
to nothing. I tell you, publishers have no pud-
ding down here, and the religious ones seemgto
be singled out for special punishment. One man
is here to-night who used to run a religious paper,
All he paid his writers was one dollar a column,
and however hard they tried they couldn't earn
over six or seven dollars a week. He made con-
tracts with the poor fellows write for him alone,
so they could not help themselves when he cut
down the number of columns. One of these un-
fortunate men wrote a book while this contract
was in force and it made quite a success and blow
me! if the religious chap did not go and claim
the book, too. How it would have turned out I
do not know for the publisher died. I'll show him
to you when we go down, that is if you would
care to see him."
"You bet I would !" said the reporter with sud-
den warmth. Whereupon the ghost said in a
manner to calm his just anger :
"I don't think they are all so bad. But one
thing I have noticed and that is that all the pub-
lishers have money, and all the things that money
brings, while the great majority of the writers
are poor, some of them miserably so. All the


40
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
religious publishers and editors are down here
and rather flock together. They seem to enjoy
talking over the tricks of trade. I used to think
that I was something of a pirate, too, in my way,
and therefore their conversations interested me
more probably, than they might otherwise have
done. If you were to hear them talk together
you would think much less of them than you do
now."
“I couldn't!" answered the young man, with
emphasis and conviction.
"I will show you another thing to-night that
ought to please you if you take any special inter-
est in publishers, and that is what is done with
those publishers who make the writers wait for
their money until their stories are published. It
would be a balm for the hearts of the authors,
and I wish you would let the writers know about
it. It may be poor satisfaction for those who
die before their stories are published. It has
always been a satisfaction to me to whale the
fellow that tries to cheat me out of my own, and
if I can't whale him to see some one else do it
and do it up brown."
"They tell us that we must speak no evil of
the dead," said the young man tritely.
"These dead don't wait for any one to tell what
they have done, They think it is all right. What


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
41
they have to suffer in seeing the papers, or the
books they used to work on and about done so
much better than they could do while alive! The
policies of the whole thing are changed in many
cases and that is very bitter. Well, with one last
word on this subject I will let them alone. It
seems to me that when a man writes a book or a
story and offers it for sale, he has the same right
to offer it as an artist his picture, or a cabinet-
maker to offer his wares, and I can't see why the
author should have to wait for his pay any more
than the others. If it suits the publisher enough
to cause him to buy it the buyer should pay for
it. I have heard men tell here how they had had
stories accepted for publication and kept there
year after year, and then they died before they
were published. And, as soon as they did die the
publishers used them at once and paid nothing
even to the widows. Now, of course, I have no
means of knowing much about these matters, but
it seems to me to be an outrage if it is true. I
used to write poetry on ship board, at night, and
I am sure that I should not have liked this sort
of treatment, if it is true.”
“Some of them are several times meaner than
any you have mentioned. But, show them to me
if you please,” said the reporter, who had a bone
to pick with two or three dead publishers.


42
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
“I will. I am sorry for poor Bradford, for
they have gone and restored his whole epitaph.
He was good to me when I first came down and
kindly taught me the rules. It is a bit rough
until you have learned the ropes after you are
dead."
“Will you excuse me if I ask you a question?
I have always been led to think that those who
are dead dislike to hear the word dead. They are
supposed to prefer to hear, 'passed into spirit life'
and 'gone to Summer land' instead. All the me-
diums use that word, in palliation and instead of
the harsher one. Dead, gives one a shock to
hear," asked the young man in a laudable de-
sire to learn all he could.
"Poppycock and moonshine!" was the unex-
pected response. "There is no such thing as a
medium. No, sir; they get your money and—do
you suppose that one of them could get you the
invitation to come down here to-night? You are
soon to enter the very doors of ghostdom, but
not through the efforts of any medium. No, sir;
they trade upon your sense of loss and sorrow
when any one of yours dies, and they foster and
encourage your desire to penetrate the mystery
of the future life. They get your money by fraud,
working upon your best sentiments. They ought
to be keelhauled, and should be if I had my way.


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
43
I'd string them to the yard arm and whack them
with a rope's end. If the tie that bound you to
any one you loved is broken by death there is no
third party that can come and for a certain sum
in cash become the medium of communication
between you, and I say, lick the man that tells
you different. You are getting this straight from
a real ghost. In my warmth I had almost for-
gotten that you asked if we who are dead dislike
to hear any one say the word Dead. Quite the
contrary, for we are dead and it would be very
silly to try to disguise the fact, and we do not
try to down here. Fact is truth and truth
governs
down here. Dead we are and dead we stay, and
after all I am not sure that we are not quite as
well, and sometimes better off, than when alive.
If we miss some things we escape others. Well,
come on; but before we go let me say that the
Trinity ghosts are the hosts to-night and they feel
themselves the most aristocratic ghosts in the
land, so I wished to caution you so that you
would avoid hurting any one's feelings by seem-
ing to doubt it.”
"I shall be very careful, sir, and hope you will
be near enough to forewarn me of any possible
mistake. I assure you that I appreciate this dis-
tinguished honor more than I can say. But, I


44
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
should like to ask if any of the Vanderbilts will
be here to-night?"
“No, young man; there will be no Vanderbilts
here to-night. But I can tell you something else
that may interest you, and that is where old John
Jacob Astor is to-night. You have doubtless
heard that the old man was a worker from head
to foot. Work was ingrained in his thrifty na-
ture. He wandered all over America to buy up
.
fur skins. For a long time he carried them on his
back, so we are told, until his business had grown
so that he required help, and could afford to pay
for it. Even then he would gladly have carried
them all, so great was his instinct of thrift. Then,
when he found he could not tie them up alone he
bought a baling press. This baling press he
came to love. It marked for him the very spirit
of progress, though it is a clumsy old thing made
of beams and iron levers and screws. To this he
confided his ambitions and joys and sorrows. So
when his year of dormant waiting is over, like
ours, and he is at liberty to amuse himself as he
wishes for the few hours before the penance be-
gins, The Master lets him choose between this
evening of festivity and his own desire. His
ghost is now down in the sub-cellar of the great
John Ruszits fur company, where the women of
four generations have brought their furs. This


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
45
company was formed in 1851, and Astor died a
few years before.
The new Ruszits company must have felt a cer-
tain friendship for the old man, though there is
no record of their ever dining together, for when
the old baling press was about to be sold for junk,
at auction, with the rest of the effects of the old
fur house, they purchased it and had it set up in
the sub-cellar and have carefully preserved it ever
since. It is about thirty feet below the surface of
the street. It is pretty sure that the present mem-
bers of the family have no desire to keep it as
an heir-loom.
“That is about all of the old man's effects left
intact, and he is naturally drawn toward it, and
now he is standing there in the pungent odor of
raw pelts, and turning that baling press for all
he is worth and if ghosts can sweat he is sweat-
ing now and enjoying himself in the keenest
delight."
"I should think he would prefer to spend the
evening at the magnificent library which his
money gave to the world. That is a noble sight,
and I should think he would be glad to get out
of the ground for a while."
"My young friend, John Jacob Astor, the
founder of that family, loved his business better
than money. He could not be hired to leave
RE-CAST.


46
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
the old press for all the books there is in it. When
he is debarred from his present occupation he
puts in his time turning over the raw furs in this
place and inhaling their pungent odor, familiar
and redolent of the old days. The rest of his
time he sleeps and takes the repose which his
active spirit would not allow him on earth."
The young newspaper man thought a little
about these things and remembered that only a
few days ago he had been in this very warehouse
where he had seen so much of beauty and value
and yet missed seeing this old baling press, and
he rather wondered, too, how any one could pre-
fer the penetrating odor of raw skins to the fresh
air of night under the stars. He could under-
stand how the sight and feel of the soft finished
garments might appeal to one, but he only said:
“I don't see why the Family should care for a
better name and fame than that the old man left-
that of an industrious, frugal and honest man—'
Before the young man could finish his sen-
tence he became aware of a perfect cloud of
shadowy forms, and all seemed to be gathering
around him. He began to wish that he had gone
for the whiskey and failed to return. His com-
panion sat on the edge of a tomb stone from
which he had seemed to exude when he first made
his appearance.


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
47
They had returned to that place while talking
and as he did so he rubbed his stubbed toe, and
for a few minutes no one said or did anything.
At last the ghost said in a sibilant whisper :
"I think there would be time for one more
smoke if you would be so good. The guests are
gathering fast and I will smoke fast, too."
The young man hastily filled the pipe with the
last of the tobacco and the ghost smoked it and
handed it back, saying:
"The tobacco is nearly all powder and does not
smoke so well as the rest. No, no, I am not
blaming you, but only saying that one of my
experiences in life has been that when we do not
use the good things of life with moderation we
are sure to find the last lacking in flavor. Now, I
could not resist one last smoke when I knew I
might never have another, and in so doing I
drained the cup to the dregs, so to speak—"
"Excuse me for interrupting, but if I am alive
next year, and you will tell me how I can find
you, I will come and bring such creature comforts
as you may wish to have. If you will tell me
“I thank you with all my heart, and would sug-
gest that the liquid refreshment might be rum,
good Jamaica rum. I acquired a taste for that,
and beyond that and a good smoke I can ask for


48
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
nothing for it may have occurred to you that I
have no need for food.
"We are now about to go below for the ban-
quet and general reunion of such of us as have
become acquainted. There will be some guests
from Derby, Conn., and some of their relatives,
and there will be some Revolutionary soldiers,
and quite a number of tramp ghosts. A few sail-
ors will also be here. They have been lying in
a forgotten place over in Brooklyn and they are
now being rooted out of there for some one wants
to build a house. And I notice there seven old
fellows who have been lying under the Hall of
Records. There was once a cemetery there and
many more are there but I shall not be the one
to go and tell where. It is bad enough to be wait-
ing for your passport without having to be a
tramp ghost beside. Many of the old Revolution-
ary heroes lie there and in the language of a poet:
“The knights are dust,
And their good swords are rust;
Their souls are with the saints, we trust."
"Ah, well! Ladies will also grace the feast.
The only unpleasant thing is that we have never
been able to sweep away class distinctions, and
pride of birth. And, I must confess that I am
as bad as any one, for whenever I see a sailor I



(
"I flatter myself that the decorations are fine.”
-Page 54.


1


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
49
just ache to send him to the fo'cas'le, and of
course there is no such place here. You have
heard of the ruling passion being strong in death.
It remains with us much as it was before we died,
and it seems as if nothing can be of much moral
or spiritual good until we get our passports.”
Just as the newspaper man was about to ask
again about the passports, the other ghosts were
so near that he waited, and at that moment a tall
ghost stood up very straight, and smoothing a
lock of imaginary hair from his forehead, said:
“Ladies and gentlemen—" Then he paused
and looked so steadily at the young man that he
felt his heart sink into his boots, but the tall ghost
contented himself with one long regard, and then
he continued :
"Ladies and gentlemen, we have met here to-
night to fulfill our yearly duty, and to meet in
friendly intercourse. I hope you will all have a
good time.”
As he said this he sat down on the edge of a
crumbling head stone and glared around. There
were murmurs of approbation and he rose and
bowed with as much grace as was possible to a
ghost who had scarcely a dozen remnants of his
shroud hanging around him. But this absence
of raiment did not seem to affect the ghosts in


50
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
1
the least, and only one or two appeared to notice
that their shrouds were in need of repair.
They were now by the north-west corner of
the Church, and at a sign from the tall ghost
they all followed him and marched around back to
the Lawrence tomb. This was thrown open like
a door in the solid masonry, and they began to
descend in couples, such a crowd that they looked
like mist, and no one stood out a distinct individ-
uality in the transit.
The good natured ghost then took the news-
paper man by the arm and they followed the rest.
No one took the slightest notice of them for
which the man not yet dead was very thankful.
He did not half like the idea of going down into
the bowels of the earth among all these ghosts.
As soon as they were down the young man saw
to his surpise that there was a room so vast that
his sight could not penetrate it to the end of it
nor the width in any direction. It was lighted
with a radiance so suave and pure that he won-
dered from whence it came.
The vast place was sustained by many columns
of the finest marble, and was arched somewhat
after the fashion of the church above. He could
not repress an exclamation of surprise and pleas-
ure, for never in his life did he see anything ap-
proaching it for beauty. Every column was


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
51
de
carved in a different manner, and it seemed to
him as if all the artists in the world or that ever
lived had each made one, and this in competition
with the others. One would be covered with
flowers of such delicacy and perfection that it
was impossible to believe them of marble, and the
young man put out his hand and touched some of
them to make sure that they were not some new
and colorless plants growing down here. Others
were covered with the most intricate designs, and
the eye wearied in trying to follow the lines, so
interlaced and complicated they were.
Others looked like lace. The fine lace pattern
could be traced in all its daintiness, and it was a
marvel of skill. Some of the columns resembled
the tracery on the walls of the Alhambra, and
some had vines through which peeped women's
faces in all moods, ages and degrees of beauty.
Twin columns stood in one place and, on these
nothing but children's faces. Some of the babies
carved on them were laughing, others crying, and
so crowded, one beside another, and one above
another that one wondered how so many could
have been found in the world. Some of the ba-
bies were dead, others sick, some asleep, some
plump and dimpled and more wan and wasted.
Babies, babies, and yet more babies. The news-


52
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
paper man was lost in astonishment at the number
of them and the exquisiteness of the artist's work,
He examined so many of these beautiful col-
umns that his brain was weary with the effort.
Then he turned his gaze to the lighting of this
immense place, and was surprised that he had
not noticed it at first. There were arches innum-
erable, and each one of these was covered with
growing vines, all such as bear flowers. In some
places were hung baskets of the most gorgeous
orchids, with their pendant foliage. Many of the
columns had passion vines covered with their
mysterious blossoms. There were roses and clem-
atis and hundreds of other flowers that he had
never seen, all climbing up those arches, and
drooping in graceful festoons. He suddenly be-
came aware that all the light emanated from the
flowers and the leaves of these climbing plants.
The passion flowers emitted light of the natural
color of these blossoms, and the roses shed soft
radiance. Even the leaves and tendrils were in-
candescent. Every bud and flower gave its share
of light and the effect of all these together was
one of marvelous richness, yet it was delicate and
beautiful beyond description.
The odor of the different flowers hung on the
air until it was almost oppressive, but yet so
delicious. The young man thought what a suc-


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
53
cess this kind of lighting and decoration would be
for some of the smart set who are always trying
to find something new with which to surprise
their guests. He made a mental note of it and
said to himself that other men had become leaders
in the domains of swelldom on less than this, and
he decided to keep his eyes open for any other
novelty which could be transplanted above
ground.
There was a breeze from somewhere, and he
that the festoons of incandescent flowers
were swaying in the wind, and the movement set
free hundreds of delicious odors until now unsus-
pected. He was trying to study out a plan by
which the danger of fire could be avoided, and
still preserve all the marvelous effect of the illum-
ination. As he stood lost in his admiration he
became aware that a man was watching him. As
he turned the man made a ceremonious bow and
said:
"Excuse me, sir; but may I ask if you are really
as much interested in the decorations as you
appear to be?”
"I certainly am," answered the young man,
"and I wonder who could have done it. It must
have taken many minds and many hands to have
accomplished it. I am filled with wonder at the


54
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
master mind that conceived it. Can you tell me
anything about it?"
“Yes, for the original idea was mine, though
many hands helped in carrying out the details.
While I was alive, being a man of wealth and
leisure, I amused myself in getting up unique af-
fairs intended to amuse Society. I planned many
things, both of a public and private nature, and
if you will look over the files of the society papers
of my time you will see that all were successful,
even when I had but earthly hands and intelli-
gence to depend upon. Our insight is keener
now and our hands are no longer the clumsy
things of life. Here I have but to formulate an
idea and the artists, electricians and florists know
my exact meaning; I flatter myself that the deco-
rations here to-night are pretty fine. I do not
believe that any one could surpass them. What
do you think?"
"I think it is marvelous. But, please tell me
am I not speaking to the great—"
"Hush, young man. No one is great or small
here. Only some have more power than others
for certain reasons. I undertook the getting up
of this affair just to keep my hand in. I hope that
when I get my passport I may be able to run
things in the next sphere as I did in my own
circle while I was alive.”


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
55
The young man did not know exactly how to
talk to the great man and so waited in silence for
him to take up the conversation again. He did
this by asking if the young man had noted many
expressions of regret in the newspapers at the
time of his demise.
The young man took note of the word demise
and decided that somehow it sounded better than
the less subdued one of Death, in a general way,
and he thought it would sound so much better
down here that he should make use of it. So he
looked sympathetically at the ghost, who stood
expectantly waiting, and said that he had been in
school at the time, but he remembered perfectly
well, and he had also heard the principal of the
school tell the, scholars about the demise of
so famous a man, and one so useful. That his
example was a noble one for the rising genera-
tion. While he was trying to think of something
else to say, the ghost suddenly and very ir-
relevantly said:
“My dear sir, what do you consider the most
satisfactory word in the English language?"
The young man blushed and stammered lame-
ly that he did not exactly know, but would be
glad if the shade of such an authority would
enlighten him.


56
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
The great man pushed out his chest, and said
pompously:
"I should say it is, satisfaction. I think there is
no other word so strong in point of expressing a
meaning to my mind. Now, I can say that I am in
a state of complete satisfaction so far as the
success of the origination of this fete is concerned.
I have arranged so many other affairs out of
doors that I was glad to try my hand in a new
field. It has resulted in perfect satisfaction.”
Here he paused to allow the young listener to
signify that he fully concurred in the statement.
The ghost passed his skeleton hand across his
chin and in a philosophical manner continued :
“Life is full of unsatisfied ambitions and gen-
eral unrest of mind, and hunger for food or power
that nothing can satisfy but the actual realization
and final satisfaction of all longings. There is
another satisfaction, and that is realized revenge.
When I came down here and left all the vanities
and pomp of the world behind me, I heard that
a certain society woman who had often tried to
rebel and set aside my authority, and sometimes
did really annoy me very much and interfered
with my plans to a most unreasonable extent,
said that now that I was gone Society could draw
a long breath and call its soul its own. This
woman prided herself on her fine presence. She


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
57
even boasted that Death itself could not make her
ugly or less imposing. I saw her a few minutes
ago, and I honestly think she makes the worst
looking ghost I ever saw. I assure you that was
a great satisfaction. But, to return to the deco-
rations here. I would ask, have you seen the
card room?"
"Card room! I was always led to think cards
the invention of the Evil one, and I certainly never
expected to find them here.”
"My dear sir; you are behind the age. Cards
are not by any means wicked in themselves, nor
is it wicked to play them. The whole 600 play
cards. Some of their card parties are among the
most interesting functions down here. If Tom,
Dick or Harry sit around in common places and
play stud poker for the drinks, that is one thing.
If Mrs. Schuyler Van Astorbilt has a card party,
why it is all right to play poker, euchre or bridge
whist, and if some lose why the others must win.
They all are able to lose without depriving their
families of bread. Therefore it is no sin for
Society to play cards. I have decided that bridge
whist is not worse than casino. There has been
a lot of rot talked about the smart set, but not
half of it is true-ah, yes; in a minute!"
This last was said by the man who had been
talking with the reporter to a man who appeared


58
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
to be quite excited about something. They talked
for a few minutes in whispers, and then the new-
comer, satisfied, went away, and the social leader
and planner of the fete returned to the newspaper
man with an apology, and said:
"You saw me just now? Well, that man came
to tell me that there is a professional gambler in
the card room. I must go and put him out. It
would never do to let a professional gambler asso-
ciate with our set. Many of them are here. Will
you come with me?"


CHAPTER III.
THE GAMBLER'S PENANCE.
As they went toward the card room, the organ-
izer of the banquet said:
“You must not be surprised if I have to employ
force to get him out, for he must go whether he
wants to or not. It would never do in the world
to allow the morals of our place to become con-
taminated by the presence of such creatures, so
come on.”
As they neared the card room they heard female
voices raised in entreaty, saying:
"Oh, Mr. Edwards, please do show us. We are
at the mercy of all the society people and they
put on such airs. We do not know how to play
poker, and they cannot see what kind of training
we have had. If you do refuse we shall never
be happy, for we shall be forever shut out of good
society."
Much more and in many different voices was
59


60
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
said, until it seemed that the person to whom
the appeals were made consented. Then there
was a chorus of thanks. By this time the leader
of the smart set and the newspaper man were in
the room.
They stood and gazed at the scene before them.
There were tables all around the room. Players
were seated at nearly all of them. The young
man noted that some played whist, others pre-
ferred euchre, while still others played seven up
and beggar my neighbor and other old and in-
nocuous games, but many were playing poker.
The cards were all right but there was a total
absence of chips or money. All the betting was
done with pebbles. The players were totally ob-
livious to everything going on around them.
The professional gambler was pointed out to
the director of the ceremonies and he stood a little
while looking at the man he was to put out. He
was by all odds the biggest ghost there. His
shoulders were broad and his arms long and mas-
sive. The leader stood thinking whether it would
be quite safe to argue with him. He had always
been a man of peace, and the only battles he had
ever fought were those pertaining to matters of
dispute in the social ranks above ground. He
had been peacemaker there so often that he some-
times wondered that they had not killed each


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
61
other off like Kilkenny cats. So he watched the
gambler, and waited until he should do something
which he might claim to be against the rules
governing the conduct of affairs in this card
room.
One or two of the oldest whist players came
to him and endeavored to convince him that it
was his duty to interfere before the professional
gambler had contaminated the minds of the lady
ghosts by his presence. These ladies were pre-
paring to learn to play poker. But each time that
he looked at the giant proportions of this ghost
the leader felt that it was not his business to
interfere. If they wanted to learn what did it
matter to him? Finally, at the urgent requests
of the others, he plucked up courage and strode
over to Edwards with all the superhuman dignity
of a hopelessly small man, and with an air that
admitted of no discussion, said:
“Sir; I hear that you are a professional gamb-
ler. If that is so I must request you to retire
from the presence of these ladies. This is a very
exclusive part of the underground world—”
"Are you St. Peter ?" asked Edwards, quietly.
"No; but I have been requested to see that
nobody of questionable antecedents is admitted,
as it is intended for the best class-I hope you
will go quietly. There are ladies present and I


62
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
9)
do not wish to proceed to extreme measures.
Otherwise I shall be obliged to put you out."
"Did you say that to me?" asked Edwards with
ominous politeness. “For, if you did, I have this
to reply. I am not in the habit of taking orders
from any one. But, if you still desire to try, I
advise your friends to bring a basket. For, if you
lay a hand on me there won't be a bone of you
left big enough to make a toothpick of. Now,
run along, little man and don't bother me. I am
at the service of these ladies, and don't you for-
a
get it.
Saying this the big ghost of Edwards turned his
back on the pompous little man, giving his un-
divided attention to the ladies who had asked him
to teach them the noble and elevating game of
poker. After one more comprehensive glance at
the massive proportions of the man before him,
the leader concluded that discretion was the better
part of valor. He scarcely saw how he could
back down from the position he had taken without
a loss of dignity. His distress was so evident that
the newspaper man felt really sorry for him. He
knew that this man held a high position in the
esteem of the ghosts and wished to help him. So
he came to his rescue in this way:
"I do not think he will do much harm, and if
a sort of private watch is kept on him, why, then,


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
63
if he does anything offensive to good taste it will
be time to act. If you are willing I will stay here
and if anything is wrong I can report to you.
What do you think?"
“So well of it that I will at once retire to the
smoking room at the right of the entrance, and
there you will find me if anything objectionable
occurs."
Saying this the little great man went out and
the reporter prepared himself to be amused be-
yond anything he had ever felt. He even expected
to get more fun out of the affair than Edwards
himself.
There were six lady ghosts, and they crowded
around the big gambler endeavoring to console
him for the unpleasantness that had just occurred.
All, with one accord agreed that the society leader
would do well to mind his own business. He was
well enough to plan the banquet and get up the
decorations but when he undertook to spy on the
and dictate what they should do, they wanted
him to understand that they were not of the won-
derful 400 and didn't want to be. They thought
themselves too good, so there!
The six ladies then took seats at one of the
tables.
One might think that these six ghosts might
look exactly alike, but not so, for every one had
>


64
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
as distinct a personality as though she had not
been dead so long that nothing remained but
bones. But there was a sort of emanation of
some indefinable kind; an atmosphere of some
occult property that took the place of flesh and
body. In some curious and inexplicable way this
gave to each skeleton a separate individuality.
Even the lay mind could understand this, and
the newspaper man could tell the ghosts apart
perfectly well.
One of these women was very small, and was
clearly as pugnacious as a sparrow and as ten-
acious as one. The next one was a woman of
the stately kind. The third was quite an old
one, judging by her teeth, and sitting beside her
was one with such beautiful teeth as he had
never seen but once, and the sight quite un-
nerved him, too, for they belonged to the young
girl whose wedding had brought him to this
strange carnival of ghosts. The sight gave him
an agonizing wrench of pain. He wondered how
long it would be before she would be like these
women, with nothing left of her sweet young
beauty but her white and even teeth.
This ghost had a way of holding her head to
one side and raising her hollow eyeless sockets in
what was once a most effective attitude, but it



“Did you say that to me ?”– Page 62.





THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
65
was now but the travesty of itself. The sight
filled the young man with deep pity.
This ghost was a widow.
The fourth was as tall and angular as any of
the two men ghosts without one redeeming trait.
She was an old maid. It was easy for the young
man to know all these things for some new and
occult quality in his nature hitherto unknown
gave him a new insight into the personality of
the ghost and he saw them as they must have been
in life, yet saw them only as ghosts. He sensed
these things without knowing how he did so.
The old maid ghost told the widow that she
had heard that Edwards had been a sad dog in
his day, and that gave him added interest, for
it must be admitted that women do admire sad
dogs.
When they were all seated they waited for
their teacher to make a beginning. He squared
his shoulders, and tried to put his hands in his
pockets when he was suddenly brought to a real-
izing sense that there are no pockets in shrouds.
He also began to realize that he had undertaken a
greater task than he had thought. He had really
gone into this just because he was told not to do
it. He had no money nor chips, and so could not
play poker. He looked the picture of misery.


66
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
He was thinking how he could get out of the
place decently.
It was the practical old maid who suggested
that they should play with beans. She had
heard that that was sometimes done. Edwards
stifled a groan.
When all the other women said that it was im-
possible to find beans, and that it would be better
to use pebbles as the others were doing, the old
maid told them to wait a moment, and almost
before they missed her she was back with at least
a peck of beans of different colors tied up in her
shroud.
She tripped along in such a funny, affected
manner that the newspaper man could not help
smiling, though of course he hid that fact. For
Edwards was a much larger man than he was,
and he thought that a blow from one of those
bony fists would make a ghost of him too. And
he was not hankering after immortality just then.
The old maid emptied out all the beans, and
they sorted the different colors into different
piles. Edwards counted them and divided them
all around into equal parts. Then he produced
the cards and said:
"We must have something to represent money
and these beans"


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
67
“Oh!” cried the sparrow ghost, "we must not
bet. It is wicked to bet.”
“Then you cannot learn to play poker,” re-
plied he.
"I don't see why,” responded she pugnaciously.
"All right. Have it your own way. You will
have to give up your poker lesson right now,
for the betting is all there is to it.”
There was a whole chorus of exclamation from
the rest. The old maid ghost said that after so
.
much trouble had been taken, and as none of the
rest had any scruples against betting beans, she
did not see why the rest could not go on, and
Mrs. Fogg stay out. The big gambler waited
with what patience he could muster, for the game
had little zest to him without money.
He put the pack of cards back somewhere in
his shroud and waited. On seeing this the other
five took an anxious cry that he must not desert
them. Quiet was restored on the promise that
the betting with the beans should be regarded
solely in a Pickwickian sense. So the beans were
distributed. The black beans stood for fifty
cents each, and the white ones for a dollar each,
and the big red ones for five dollars.
“That is high enough for beginners, isn't it?"
asked the old lady benignly.
The big professional gambler took a severe fit


68
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
of coughing and shook so hard that the news-
paper man thought surely he would fall in pieces,
but he rallied and said:
"Now, ladies, I deal you each five cards. Your,
object will be to see how many of a kind you can
get together.”
“What kind?” asked the sparrow woman.
“Why, two aces, or three deuces, trays, fours
or face cards all the way up. Aces are the
highest."
“Which one?" asked the little woman.
"Higher than a ten ?” asked the widow.
"I said the ace is the highest card in the pack,"
replied he.
“That is not answering the question, sir. I
wish to know which one."
"Oh, any one," answered the man wearily.
“But I can't see how four aces can all be the
highest," said the sparrow.
“I mean that they all count higher than any
other card. After ace comes king, then queen,
then jack, then ten and so on. Four aces make
the best hand except a royal flush or straight.
Two of a kind are good, three better, four best.
I will explain the rest as we go along. Now I
deal you each five cards"
"You said that before," remarked one of the
ghosts.


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
69
“So I did. Now you must decide upon your
limit.”
"I have five cards. I thought you said that
was the limit,” said she of the pretty teeth.
“I mean, how much do you want to bet? As
you are beginners, suppose you make it a half a
dollar."
“You said there was to be no betting,” cried
Mrs. Fogg, at the same time trying to match a
pair of a jack of diamonds and a four of spades
that she had spread out on the table before her.
"Oh, you each are to put a black bean on the
middle of the table, and, madam, please never
show your cards until you are called.”
“Sir!"
"Oh," groaned the gambler, "what I mean is
this. I will explain as we go along when some
one calls for you to show down, but it or should
be your object to hide your hands—cards-as
completely as possible from all the others."
“I don't see how I am going to find out if I
don't look," grumbled the little woman.
The newspaper man was enjoying this mightily,
and from time to time he cast pitying eyes at the
unfortunate big ghost, for once he had had the
pleasure of teaching three women to play the
noble game, and he fully sympathized with the
suffering man,


70
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
The ghostly gambler gathered himself together
and said:
“Now, ladies; there are a number of complica-
tions in this game, and as they arise I will ex-
plain them"
“I would prefer to know them all at once,"
said she of the pretty teeth. “I am sure that I
could remember."
The poor man began to look as if he thought
that this was a job put up against his peace of
mind, but he courageously continued:
"As I said, your object is to get as many pairs
or cards of the same number of spots into your
hand as possible, and if you have two pairs, or
only one pair, you can draw three cards from the
pack putting as many of those as you hold in your
hand back- discard, they call that--and try and
make up a full hand that way. Now each of you
has five cards. Please look at them, and, well,
as this is the first, perhaps it would be better for
you to show them, and I will advise you what to
>
do."
“You just told me not to show mine."
"Now, wouldn't that come and fetch you?”
muttered the wretch under his breath.
"What's trump?” asked she whose teeth were
so pretty.
The old maid scored a hit by putting her cards,
a


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
71
hand and all, into the big paw of the gambler,
and letting it lie there innocently.
“I'll scrape the pot,” cried the old lady ghost,
at the same time triumphantly showing two deuces
and three trays.
"I—1—beg your pardon ?" said the bewildered
man.
“Isn't that what you say when you get better
than any one?" she asked defiantly.
"Oh, yes," murmured he faintly; "but we must
wait and see what the others have got."
One lady had two queens, two jacks and a
tray, and another had four fives and an ace.
Mrs. Fogg had a four, a seven, a jack and two
nines. She was highly indignant when she dis-
covered that her hand did not count beside the
others.
"If there is going to be such favoritism shown,
I don't care to play,” she said, pouting.
The woman with the pretty teeth had a pair of
aces and three kings, and the old maid had a royal
flush. It was a task beside which that of Her-
cules sunk into ignoble insignificance to explain
just why a royal flush was higher than the pairs
on which he had just laid such stress, while he
had not even mentioned the royal flush at all.
He made up his mind that he would not mention
a straight even if one turned up every hand. The
a


72
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
miserable man was nearly exhausted before they
all understood, and he never thought of looking
at his own hand at all. The chair where he sat
was one of those old fashioned kind, made of
horse hair, and he kept slipping down, and by his
gyrations alone any one could have seen his un-
easiness.
Finally, after much explanation they got down
to a real game. Each got her cards, examined
them defiantly and every one bet with a reckless-
ness that had no limit but the amount of beans on
hand. The last bean was on the table. After
about forty-five different attempts, each prefaced
and followed by explanations from the miserable
ghost they had drawn and discarded.
"I did not need anything more," said the old
lady, “but I thought I might get something better
than four aces, so now I will stand squat.”
"I—I beg your pardon?” gasped he.
"That is what you said, isn't it, Lavinia ? I
mean when you have all you want.”
"Oh, pat, madam. I said pat."
“If you had meant pat, why did you say squat?
Was it meant to confuse me?"
“What is trump, please,” said the widow plain-
tively.
“There is no trump in poker, madam," said
Edwards for the twentieth time,



1
“I won't play if such favoritism is shown.”—Page 76.
1





THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
73
The old maid leaned over and whispered confi-
dentially:
“Please, dear Mr. Edwards; is mine a good
hand ?”
“I only wish that I might always be sure of
holding one as good. Why, madam, it is simply
gorgeous—a regular beauty."
"Oh, Mr. Edwards! You naughty man!"
“I see every one and I make it five hundred
better and I call,” cried Mrs. Fogg, piling all her
beans in a heap and then preparing one end of her
a
shroud to hold her winnings. The big gambler
had somehow found a pocket knife and this he
jabbed surreptitiously into the chair as a relief to
his feelings, while the six women were quarreling
over the beans. They appealed to him, and the
old lady said:
"Mr. Edwards, Mrs. Robinson hasn't anted at
all for three hands, and Miss Shookes puts a
handful of beans of all colors in the pot every
time without counting them.”
"Oh, well; she knows that this is only to learn.
She wouldn't do that if it were real money."
“No, indeed; for I was always noted for my
prudence about money. That is how I died richer
than some folks I know of, who had scarcely
enough to pay for their funerals.”


74
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
“I think, ladies, that you could all show your
hands now.”
Mrs. Fogg triumphantly put six cards on the
table. She had kept one of her discards to make
up three pairs. This caused much animated dis-
cussion, particularly as Mrs. Washner had four
fives.
"You said you had four aces," whimpered Mrs.
Fogg when the case was decided against her.
"I did not, did I, Mr. Edwards ?"
“I don't remember,” replied he, wishing that
he had had sense enough to go into the billiard
room and stay there instead of making such an
idiot of himself.
“I simply said that I drew that card to see
if I could get anything better than four aces.
Now, isn't that what you would call a bluff?”
"Yes; and it was a good one, too,” said he ad-
miringly.
“Besides Mrs. Fogg had six cards, and
“Well she didn't have the four aces, and that
isn't half as honest as my having six cards. You
told me, and you know it very well, that I was to
get as many pairs as I could. She didn't have
the aces, and I did have three pairs, and I am en-
titled to the beans, so now !”
The woman with the fine teeth looked dreamily
at the gambler and silently laid down her hand.
a


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
75
There were four aces and a king. None of the
others had anything to beat this, and she smiled
bewitchingly at him as he awarded her the beans,
whereat Mrs. Fogg flew into a violent passion and
sobbed tearlessly, until the poor man did not
know what to do. She continued until he was
ready to throw up the whole affair and leave as
she said:
"I just don't care! I am sure Mr. Edwards
just picked those cards out on purpose for her.
I don't want the old beans. I detest beans, only
I believe in standing up for principle, and I know
that gamblers-professional gamblers—do cheat
at cards.”
"I think that a gambler-even a professional
gambler-would have to be very unprincipled to
try to win with six cards when he knew that that
was the worst kind of cheating,” said the old
maid, taking up the man's defence with such an
air of having the right to champion his cause that
his jaw dropped and he made a movement as if
for flight. At this point quite a number of other,
ghosts who had gathered around them began to
clap their hands, and one said:
“Go in, little woman, and win. You will make
a famous player in time.”
The little belligerent hurriedly arose and said
angrily :


76
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
“If Mr. Fogg were only here, you would see
what would happen. I won't stay here to be
abused. I was lowering myself any way.”
"I think so, too,” said the old maid, “but it
was by the way you have acted and not from
your association with any one here.
We can
spare you without sorrow."
By this time several more had gathered, and
the ladies, seeing that they were attracting more
attention than they desired, left the card room so
suddenly that the newspaper man could not tell
which way they went. Then he looked for the
big ghost. He, too, had disappeared. So the re-
porter, left to himself, decided to go and find
the leader and tell him the outcome of the affair.
The young man thought that it might be that
this affair was a form of punishment for former
sins of omission or commission. But he must in-
deed have been a very bad man to deserve such a
punishment as this, and he thought, too, that no
other form of punishment could have been devised
so well calculated to break a real gambler's heart.
He felt sorry for him.
The reporter then went to the billiard room in
search of the leader of the evening's ceremonies.
He was nowhere to be seen, and the young man
stood watching the billiard players. He thought
they all seemed to be playing in a perfunctory
a


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
77
way, and there was no spirit in their play. Spec-
tators stood about watching the progress of the
games, and occasionally making remarks of ap-
probation or derision.
There were several men there whom the young
man felt sure he had seen in life, but as none
spoke to him he did not exactly like to press the
acquaintance. One of the men that he felt so
positive that he had known in life had been a
rabid billiard player, and he neglected his family
to such an extent that the young reporter's mother
once said that she hoped that when he died he
would have to play billiards continually for a few
millions of years as a just punishment. He was
one of those who did not seem to be having a
good time at all.
Thinking that there might be things of more
interest going on in other parts of the place, the
young newspaper man went out to the main hall.
There were things to see there.


CHAPTER IV.
THE MENDED GHOST.
Just as the reporter was going out of the room
he noticed a man hobbling along in the most pain-
ful manner. The upper portion of his body was
of enormous proportions. Even the big gambler
would have appeared dwarfed beside this man.
But, large as he was, he seemed somehow to be
unaccountably dwarfed, and the commendable
curiosity belonging to newspaper men caused him
to try and discover the meaning of this state of
affairs.
As the man came hobbling along he tripped
and would have fallen had not the young man
caught him in his arms and held him up. The
young man sustained him to a seat, and as he sank
down in it he asked the ghost if there was any-
thing else he could do, or be of any further as-
sistance. The man, with the remarkable frank-
78


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
79
ness that seemed to be a part and parcel of every-
thing down here, replied:
“No, nobody can't do nothing for me. It was
all done when I was moved. And it was done up
good and brown too. Nobody can't now make my
legs whole again; no, not if they tried forever
and forever. It is a shame, that is just what it
is !”
“Would you mind telling me what it is that
has happened to you? I am sure it must be some-
thing unusual, and if I can help you I need not
say how gladly I would try.”
“No; you can't help me, nor nobody else can't.
But if you like I will tell you about it and maybe
some one else may be spared if you put a piece in
the paper about it.”
This caused the reporter to break out in a cold
sweat, for he now felt almost afraid to think. The
ghost resumed:
"I don't believe that nobody cares about us
when we are once dead. I died and was buried in
a vault under the old church that stands some-
where in Amity Street or close by. It may be
gone now for all I know, for I haven't been there
for a long time, and I don't care if the old she-
bang is torn down, for it is to that that I owe
my misery. Just look at me! I was a giant in
my life, and stood seven feet in my stockings and


80
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
was big according. But, when my time came I
was sick and died like the weakest critter of them
all. My folks paid the seven dollars to have me
put into the receiving vault like the rest. I was
pretty comfortable for the first year. The rule
was that when new corpusses came in they must
be put into the receiving vault the first year.
Afterwards they were put into the back vault to
make room for the new comers. There was
shelves in the first one, and nobody couldn't
crowd his neighbors, but in the back vault he
was laid just one coffin on top of another, and
nothing between them. At one time there was
over five thousand corpusses under the church,
but hardly anybody knowed it.
“The most of the coffins was old what was in
the back vault, specially the lower line, and often
when a new fellow was put in on top of the other
lot the old coffins would mash down to nothing,
and nothing of the body would be left, but the
bones, and you can just guess how that squeezed.
They kept on piling more and more until even
with the crumbling old coffins there was no more
room. Then the trustees or whoever it was that
had the say, decided that we must all be moved to
York Bay, and they sot about moving us.”
The reporter was deeply interested in this, and
followed every word with the greatest care, for if



The mended ghost.–Page 79.


i


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
31
it turned out to be true after he should be in a
position to verify it, he intended to write it up
for the benefit of humanity. The ghost accepted
the chair which the young man brought him and
continued his story.
“Them trustees thought that the sooner the
job was done and the stiller they was about it the
better it would be, and there was a whole bunch
of coveys come to do it. They busted all the cof-
fins what wasn't already busted, and they throwed
them into one heap, tore out all the linings, and
took off the shrouds, that was left, and they
throwed them into one heap to sell for old rags.
And all the plates and handles was took along
with the rest. Then they brought a lot of com-
mon pine boxes. All the corpusses what wasn't
claimed by the folks related to the corpus was
just chucked into them, sometimes three and more
in one.
When they got three or four into one
box and the lid wouldn't shut, they jumped on
the top or jammed the bones down till it did.
One woman had all her ribs broken and several
others had their breast bones stove in to get
enough of them into one box. There was one
box fixed for three, and they chucked me in that
head foremost. There was not half room enough,
so my legs stuck out over two feet, and to make
me fit in what did them dum fools do but take a


82
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
ܪ
spade and just naturally chop off my feet right
in the middle of the legs, and throwed them in,
and that is how I am in this fix. I tied them up
the best I could, but to get a purchase I had to
lap them as you see. They don't feel solid. I
expect to fall down every step I take. See how I
had to fix them."
As he said this, the poor giant, shorn not of
his strength but of his length, stuck out his of-
fending feet. Surely enough they were chopped
off as he said, for the marks of the sharp spade
were still visible. The two ends of the bones to
each leg had been, as he said, spliced by sliding
them past each other and then tying them in
place. They lapped at least twelve inches and
that cut the man's stature down two whole feet.
The worst feature about it was that the parts
were not, and could not be made solid enough to
make locomotion safe or comfortable.
“If ever I get out of here alive,” thought the
reporter, “I shall make it impossible for folks to
kick me around like that. I shall have it fixed so
that my body will be cremated and the ashes hid-
den so that nobody can ever find them. Then he
spoke:
"Your case is certainly a hard one, and I am
surprised that the board of health ever allowed
such things. Surely they must have known of it."


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
83
"Do you know, that affair was just the cause
of the law that was passed making it necessary
to have a Coroner's inquest on every body, and
all the things that them coveys had piled up to
sell was took away and burnt. The "Police
Gazette” took and printed pictures about it, and
that is the first time that I remember of seeing
big headlines, and they was all about 'the awful
desecration of the dead, and the trusteeses had
to do a lot of things to keep the people from
making a fuss. After that they was a little more
careful what they done to the bodies, but it was
too late to do anything for me. This here affair
was in about 1830, but I am not sure to a day
about the date, for naturally we don't care so
much about time when we are facing something
else.”
"Suppose I get you a pair of crutches?” said
the young man with deep sympathy. The ghost
said they could do no good, but that he was
grateful that there was some one who showed a
little feeling for one so long dead. He added
that he hoped to get his release soon, as he had
always been as good a man as he knew how to
be, and when he did get his passport he would
not need legs.
Almost as soon as he had said this the poor
ghost sat back in his chair and went to sleep.


84
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
a
After several vain attempts to rouse him the
young man wandered around a little. He found
that while he had been in the card and billiard
rooms the tables for the banquet had been pre-
pared, and he looked around in surprised admira-
tion.
Each table was more than a hundred feet long,
and there were so many of them that he soon
gave up the attempt to count them all. The cov-
ers set on each table were seventy-five on each
side with a seat of honor at the head.
The table service was something wonderful.
It recalled a day when he went to see the prepara-
tions for a grand banquet at the home of the
late W. H. Vanderbilt. All along three sides of
the large dining room there were glass cabinets
reaching to the ceiling, and in these there were
great silver plates, and platters, side dishes, tu-
reens, punch bowls, tankards, pitchers and goblets
of every description, each a perfect work of art
after its kind.
There were golden dishes of many shapes, all
richly wrought and not one among them that was
not worthy a close study for the beauty of form
and fine goldsmith's work. But not all of that
mass of gold and silver put together could bal-
ance the value and workmanship upon even one


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
85
9
of the articles which stood so thickly on these
tables.
Great pitchers of gold in the most exquisite
rehausse and repousse work, filled to the brim
with wine, stood all along the center of the tables,
and around each were clustered golden goblets,
according to the number of guests expected to be
seated there. There were buffets in every direc-
tion, and quite a number of men had apparently
found them already.
Upon the tables were all the delicacies that one
could have found at the most perfectly appointed
hotels. One table reminded the reporter of a
grand ball and house warming at the home of the
late Ogden Goelet, where there was not a piece
of plate that was not duplicated here. Even the
napery looked the same and set the newspaper
man to wondering whether the ghosts did not
borrow their plate and other things from the own-
ers for the occasion.
Above, the festoons of the incandescent lights
in the form of flowers shed their soft radiance,
and also such perfume as would naturally exhale
from such blossoms. All was a pleasure to the
eye •and taste.
While the young man was standing at the head
of the central table there came the sound of a
silvery note of music, such as might come from


86
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
some sort of a horn, but wonderfully sweet and
clear. It appeared that this was the signal for
all the ghosts to take their places at the table.
In an amazingly short time they were seated.
The reporter found that he had not been included
in the list of the guests at the banquet. He felt
a little vexed, though he really did not feel hun-
gry, and he had an idea that he did not want to
eat with the ghosts. He remembered a poem that
he had read somewhere about ghosts drinking out
of skulls newly torn from the grave, and he smiled
at the contrast of these magnificent tables and
viands.
The company was seated much as they would
be at any other banquet, only there were no wait-
ers. Every one was seated and they all waited
on themselves and each other, for, as he learned
later the grave, like love, levels all things. And
this in spite of the class distinctions mentioned
before.
The ghosts were placed so that there was a
lady and gentleman ghost side by side. The
gentlemen were as punctiliously polite as could
be desired and served the ladies with the great-
est attention and assiduity.
At this juncture the Sociable Ghost came puf-
fing up, much exercised, and said:
"My dear sir, I beg you to pardon my appar-


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
87
ent neglect, but the fact is there. was a scrap
between two famous old prize fighters, and you
must excuse me if I forgot everything else for
the moment. Why, for a time I really forgot
that I was dead."
The young man murmured that he was quite
excusable, and was about to disclaim any appe-
tite, when the Sociable Ghost continued:
"I say! It was fine! The old fellow put the
kid to sleep in about ten minutes. We had a
chance to learn more about good sparring than
we ever knew before. I am sure that I could
give an uppercut now such as was never known
in my day.
"But, you really must join us. I had a seat
reserved for you at this table where you can see
everything that is going on, and where you will
have a chance to learn many things of which
you never heard. Ladies and gentlemen, permit
me to introduce a friend of mine, who is not
yet of us, but whom I have invited to pass the
evening with us. I hope you will make him wel-
come for my sake until you learn to like him
for his own.”
There was a confused murmur intended as a
welcome accompanied with bows from all the
guests at this table. The newspaper man saw that
all these ghosts were really hungry, and ate with


88
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
genuine appetite. The wine was poured out in
generous quantities, and they drank as if exceed-
ingly thirsty, and soon the great hall rang with
laughter, and lively sallies of wit and anecdote.
He tried so hard to listen to them all that to his
intense chagrin he found afterward that he could
not remember half of it and what he did recol-
lect was so disjointed that it was worse than
none.
The ghost seemed to think it a great joke that
one not dead should be among them, and many
witticisms were launched at him on account of
his too evident curiosity. The good natured
ghost told him that he probably would not get
much nourishment out of what they gave him,
and that he was very sorry that he could not
offer him something to take home to the children,
as was the custom when he was young. He told
how he cried when his parents went any where
and failed to bring him home some of the good
things they had had at the party. The young
man answered in the same strain and said that
he was not hungry, and even if he were the feast
of reason and flow of soul would more than sat-
isfy him.
While the guests were eating, the young stran-
ger within their gates was observing with great
interest everything about him. There was quite



“But you must join us.”—Page 87.


1


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
89
as wide a difference in the way the ghosts acted
as among the living, and he saw some shoveling
the food into their fleshless jaws with knives.
He remarked that some who ate with their knives
tried to give something of grace to the movement
by turning the blade outward, and these ghosts
held their spoons with the points to the mouths
and to render this more elegant they stuck one
little finger out stiffly, while grasping the handle
in their bony fingers.
One man poured his coffee into his saucer,
when the great leader ventured to remind him
that in polite society people drank their coffee
from the cups, whereupon the offender asked him
with some warmth if he set himself up to be bet-
ter than George Washington, and assured him
that the Father of his country poured his coffee
and tea out into his saucer, and he suggested that
the leader go back to his beautiful society, and
see if they did not do things that no self-respect-
ing ghost would do, or even dream of condescend-
ing to do. Then the other ghosts took it up and
the feeling ran so high that it almost resulted in
throwing the leader from the place. Then one
peace-loving ghost stood up and said:
"My friends, it ill becomes us to quarrel over
a matter of such little importance. Not all of
us were born in the time of ultra-civilization.


90
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
Most of us never saw a four-tined fork while
alive, and so we were obliged to convey our food
to our mouths with our knives. I do not believe
it a capital sin. I well remember that I was once
at a dinner where there were several clergymen
and great men from various walks of life. This
very gentleman's grandfather, who now objects
to the use of a saucer, used a knife. I know, for
in listening to something that was said he forgot
and put it into his mouth. The sharp edge was
toward his mouth and he cut his lip quite badly
and made it bleed. Everybody used their knives
then. Tea plates were considered part of every
table service from the highest down, and they
were set on the table to stand the cups in while
the tea or coffee was in the saucer to cool before
being drunk. It is good manners for half the
world to eat with the fingers, and I cannot see
how any person has a right to dictate what any
one shall or shall not do." The leader stood up
and angrily said:
“Of what use is our boasted civilization if we
are to live like the beasts of the field ?”
“Some of us here doubtless wish that we had
lived like the beasts of the field while they had
the chance and failed to do so," replied the former
speaker. "Honestly, sir; is there anything
you can bring forward to prove that the
9


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
91
beasts of the field ever did anything wicked that
you can bring against them now? If you do you
are wiser than I, and I assure you that I would
rather be the most wretched little yellow dog that
I know of than be some of the men who hold
such exaggerated opinions of their own import-
ance. Such men should have several billions of
years allotted to them in which to learn that they
knew nothing worth knowing.”
The leader was so angry that he simply could
not find words to reply. He glared at the speaker
with such haughty and malevolent disdain, that
one might have thought that this was some great
social function above ground and that he was
squelching some upstart with nothing but his
millions to recommend him. He stared until
the old ghost who had been trying to act as mod-
erator began to show symptoms of a disposition
to arise in his might and wipe up the floor with
the great little man, so he haughtily turned away.
As soon as this little diversion had passed off,
the eating which had been suspended was now
renewed with fervor. New beakers of wine were
poured out, and drank with gusto. The noise
of the fleshless jaws clapping together as they
ate was like the patter of hailstones on the roof.
It became so loud and insistent that the news-
paper man grew so nervous that he could have


92
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
>
screamed like a hysterical woman, but he set his
teeth and kept quiet.
He desired to enter into conversation with
some of the ghosts, as there were many ques-
tions—important ones still unanswered. To that
end he addressed himself to the old lady who had
been trying to learn poker. He asked her if she
would have some more wine, but she said:
“No, I thank you, sir; but I should like some
of that boned turkey. I always liked turkey, and
folks that ever eat of my turkey-roast turkey-
for that is how I think a turkey should always
be cooked—not that some other ways ain't good
for a change that is. I was called a good cook
and housekeeper in my day, and it has been my
worst trial to see the awful messes my family
has had to put up with since I am gone. And,
the awful waste, and the dirt in my house. I
used to keep them all on pins and needles all
the time for fear of dirt, or that a fly would be
let in. I never gave one of them a minute's peace.
I thought I was doing a notable thing, then, but
since I have had time to think it over it has come
to me that I might have been a little less exacting.
If I had been perhaps my boys would have
stayed with me, but they couldn't stand so much
nagging. Well, my poor old husband has got
the dyspepsia trying to eat such cooking as he


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
93
>
has to put up with now. And down here I nat-
urally don't have a chance to cook. I think I
could feel reconciled to being dead if I could only
cook a meal of victuals once in a while.”
"I don't never want to cook, and I'd go plum
crazy distracted if I had to,” said another woman
ghost. "I had to cook for my father, five broth-
ers, and all the farm hands, and every one of them
with different tastes, and none of them ever sat-
isfied. I nearly died trying to please them all.
I used to get so tired that I wanted to die long
before I did. Then a man asked me to marry
him, and I thought it would be easier to
please one man alone than all the sixteen,
and I took him. You ought to have seen the
way my folks went on! You just ought to
have seen it! You would think I had com-
mitted an unpardonable sin, but it was done and
I must confess that I am glad at the way they
have to live now. Father hired many house-
keepers, one after another, and when he found
one that could really cook he married her. As
soon as she was mistress she wouldn't lift her
hand to cook a meal, and my brothers all died.
Some of them have told me when they saw me
here that they were awful sorry, and wished they
could undo it all. But, my husband was worse
than all the others combined. I just couldn't tell


94
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
"
all he made me suffer. At last I gave up and
died in self-preservation. I died to get out of
the eternal kitchen.”
“Why, Martha," said another ghost, “I never
knew it was so bad as that. I always thought
you cooked because you liked it and was too
proud of your faculty to ever let any one take
your place."
"Well, I didn't; but I hated worse than all that
any one should know how bad I did hate it. I
reckon if we knew all that goes on in our neigh-
bor's hearts we would have a little more charity.
You used to say that I neglected my church duties,
and didn't sew for the heathen, and many a tract
you left me on the sin of idleness, me what had
been up every morning for ten years at four
o'clock, and never got to bed till ten and eleven,
working every minute all the time. Sometimes I
felt like telling you to mind your own business.
It is all over now, but I should like to know how
much good has all your sewing for the heathen
done you towards getting your passport? As
you know the truth now, Melissy, which would
you rather be: the enlightened Christian with
the responsibility of knowledge of good and evil,
or the ignorant heathen ?”
“Yes; I know now, Martha, but I did not


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
95
>
then, and now, if it is not too late, I want
to ask your forgiveness."
This last was said with an evident disposition
on the part of “Melissy” to fall upon the bony
neck of “Martha” that an unregenerate man said
with a harsh, rasping laugh:
“Forget it, forget it! This is no time to bring
up old scores. If it were so, there are several
fellows here to-night that I could lick with a
clear conscience. I don't hold enmity, but I will
say that they will do well not to rouse the sleep-
ing lion.”
As this ghost spoke, he turned his face toward
two men at a table a short distance away, and
waited to see the effect of his words. As no one
took up the challenge the man sat down again at
the table.
The newspaper man looked at this ghost with
considerable interest, and thought that of all the
ghosts he was the cleanest. He had noticed
this ghost sitting at a rude table near the door.
There was a candle burning there and an ink-
stand, and two immense books. The ghost sat
balancing a pen, but was doing no writing. He
had noticed him then as his skull and bones fair-
ly shone, so white and polished they were.
It was not the intention of the young man to
ask any impertinent questions about anything he


96
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
saw there, but he thought to himself that when
he was alone with the good natured ghost he
would ask him how this phenomenon had oc-
curred. While he was thinking this, the polished
ghost turned to him and said:
"Young stranger, I notice that you are some-
what interested in me, and far from feeling hurt
at your natural curiosity, I am flattered by it and
if
you wish it I will tell you in a few words how
it happens that I am so white after having been
so long dead."
The young man felt his blood all mount to his
face as he saw that even his secret thought could
not be hidden, and he reflected that if even these
ghosts knew what he thought, how impossible it
would be to hide action or thought from the
Master, as the ghosts called the One.
“Ahem! young sir, that is the right feeling.
But to resume. I was married to a very sensible
and worthy woman, with no nonsense about her.
She kept her house well, and everything that she
could do for my comfort and happiness she did.
I felt very badly to leave her, but once you are
called you must go, and I went. At that time
Long Island City was scarcely more than a hole
in the ground, and the church to which I be-
longed found that it would soon become necessary
to remove from New York City, so they pur-
9



16
Forget it, forget it !”—Page 95.


!!
|


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
97
chased a plot of ground quite in the outskirts of
the former named place. I was laid in the old
churchyard until they should be ready to remove
us all. We were finally taken over there and put
into the meanest kind of ground, all soaked with
tidewater and the refuse of ages, which had
been swept there by the tides until it grew to
what no one with any regard for the truth would
call solid ground. It is unhealthy even for a
dead man.
"Well, there was a sudden rush for that place
for its commercial value, and if I remember right-
ly I laid about where the big sugar refinery now
stands. But it may have been a little further
along, for I had the chills so bad during all this
time that it is not to be wondered at if I am a bit
hazy as to the exact location. We were all glad
when we were moved from that place to one fur-
ther from the shore. This was really a comfort-
able graveyard, but somebody wanted this place,
too, and we found that we had congratulated
ourselves too. soon, and we were informed that
we were to be moved again.
“In those days the best coffins were made of
solid mahogany, and the longer that remains in
the ground the more solid it grows. Several years
had passed, perhaps thirty, and when we were
moved many of the cheaper coffins had crumbled


98
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
to nothing. It was not an easy job to arrange
for these bodies, for this removal was so long
after the burial that there were no friends left to
see to it, and the church had to bear the ex-
penses, and we who are dead know what that
means.”
As the polished ghost said this, there was a
long drawn sigh from the whole assemblage that
set all the lights flickering. He continued, sadly
and solemnly:
“I will not dwell on the inconvenience of that
removal, though I was left out all night in the
rain. Still no one was to blame for that. Some
of those whose coffins were of poor wood got very
wet and some of them have had rheumatism ever
since. Ghostly rheumatism, you know.
“At last we were put into another cemetery in
Williamsburg, another most unhealthy place for
ghosts. None of us felt at home there. We
began to expect another removal as this place
was building up rapidly, and we used to talk it
over and hope that when we were moved again
we should be put so far out on the Island that
no one would ever want the land.
"It came upon us after all like a shock when
we heard that we were to move on again, like
Jo in Bleak House. Whatever old coffin had
held together before now fell apart. My coffin


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
99
was of mahogany, but in the last removal some-
how, half of the lid was knocked off, and one
from some other coffin was put in its place. Nat-
urally that did not last as long as my own cover,
and so when the coffins were all laid out for the
final removal I felt how very frail and rotten
this one was, and was in great fear that some in-
cautious movement would cause it to crumble.
I do not know why it is that coffins have that
faculty of crumbling away to dust. I never no-
ticed any other wood that did it. However, all
who had any living relatives were properly re-
moved, but those who had none had to go the
way of friendless ghosts, and there were things
said and done that would have caused trouble
had there been any one capable of objecting.
"My wife came and insisted that my coffin
should be opened, but it was against the rule, for
the sexton who had care of the removals had taken
extra care that all should be done so that there
would be no difficulty in identifying the bodies in
case of need. My coffin therefore was all right,
save for the lid, but she would not accept it on
that account unless she could be permitted to
open it. That they would not do.
“She tried every way to get them to consent,
but the Board of Health had made the law so,
and what do you think she did ? She sent the


100
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
men off on an errand, and took a spade that was
lying near and pried the lid off so that she could
see me, and when the men came running back, she
said: 'That's him. I would know his head any
where, it was so long.' She was so glad that she
had outwitted the authorities that she did not
complain about the lid. But she was tired of
moving me around, and so had me taken home
where I had lived and died, and there she kept
me all these years, 'just to have a man about the
house' she said. As she was one of the cleanest
women in the world, she could not bear to see the
mould of the Long Island mud on me, and every
Saturday I had a bath. She put clean clothes
on me, and always did as long as she lived. We
both lie now at Kenisco. I hope there will be
no removal from there, but you must not blame
me if I have lost confidence when it comes to be
a question of routing out the dead to make place
for the living, if there is money in it."
2


CHAPTER V.
THE PRINCESS FROM EGYPT.
While the polished ghost was relating his var-
ied experiences, the women were talking, and
the young man found that his thoughts wandered
as he noticed a couple of articulated skeletons.
He wondered if their experience would not be
worth an effort, and was trying to think up some
plan by which he could get them to talk, but be-
fore he could do so a man, on the other side
of the woman who hated cooking, said solemnly:
“Now, maybe your folks had dyspepsy. That
excuses much, and some folks that are not really
nagging by nature get so by their sufferings.
Now, I knowed a fellow, and he was something
awful. Nobody couldn't do nothin' to pacify him
after he had had his dinner, and at last it got so
that smoking injured his witals and his wittels
done him no good."
"Did he pine away and die slow or go off all of
IOI


102
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
a sudden at the end, as it were?” asked the old
lady sympathetically.
"Well, I disremember, for I was in Californy
that
year
and when I came back he was gone."
The young reporter thought this was a good
time to try to learn what death really meant,
and so he chose out a ghost whose frontal de-
velopment was such as to give the appearance of
great intellectuality, and said modestly:
“Sir, I hope you will not take it amiss if I
ask you a few questions- -
"Fire away!" replied the ghost.
This unexpected answer quite took his breath
away, but he managed to keep a sober face and
asked:
"I wish very much to know how a man feels
when he knows that he is drawing his last breath,
when in short, he knows he is dying. If it is not
asking too much I should like to have as many
of you as are willing to tell me, each his indi-
vidual experience.” One thoughtful looking man
waited a moment and as nobody else took up the
question he said:
"I think few of us are conscious when the last
moment comes. We have all probably been so
ill that there was a complete blank, and where by
accident or any mortal injury it stands to reason
that the shock and hurt would render the person


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
103
unconscious. You may not know that I was a
bishop in my life time. I thought that I had
nothing to fear, and so as I lay ill-I suffered
a long time with the gout-the usual result of eat-
ing and drinking--at last it went to the stomach
and I died. Before departing, I called my weep-
ing friends and told them that the Lord had
called me and I was ready to go. I posed as a
martyr and angel of grace, and my deathbed
farewell was spoken of as edifying. I really be-
lieved I was almost a saint, and it was for a long
time a matter of surprise to me to discover that
I was not wafted to immediate glory. I had yet
to learn that from he to whom much shall be
given much shall be required. And here I am,
the least among you all.”
Another ghost took up the subject and said:
"The most of you here will think it queer, but
when I was drawing my last breath I knew it,
and my principal feeling was anger that now one
of my neighbors would get my favorite horse.
He had long tried to buy it, and I would not
sell, but what could my widow do with that horse
when I was dead? After that there was a few
seconds of blank and I felt myself drawn out of
my own body and in another moment I was stand-
ing looking at myself. It certainly was a strange
experience, and I am glad it is all over,


104
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
"I have talked with many ghosts and they all
agree that death itself is not so dreadful. It is
like going from a light room into a dark one and
no one knows what is there. I find that almost
every one has felt the same fear of the unknown,
but it is after all so small a change. Many have
a feeling as if they were falling a great distance
to a profound depth in the darkness, but so far
I have never found one who was really afraid of
dying. It was more like the thought of the plunge
into an icy bath. Sickness and physical suffering
have a tendency to deaden the senses. And death
itself is not so much of a change as we are
prone to regard it. The way I now look at it is
that it is simply one of the systematic changes
made from time to time, from one sphere of exis-
tence to another, according to the great eternal
plan toward a better kind of man. I used to won-
der if this creature here who ravages and eats
everybody else, and who is altogether unworthy
and vicious and selfish was the best there could
be, but now that I have an inkling into the future
existence, I believe that we are but atoms in one
great plan, and as worlds have been formed in
their perfection, so will man stand out at last as
the finished being he is intended to be, in the
right time as grain is ripened.”
The bishop bowed his head in assent to this, and
a


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
105
that set the reporter to thinking about the great
agnostic Ingersoll. He asked the company at
large if they could tell him if Col. Robert Inger-
soll were present. The whole company waited.
for the bishop to answer this question as though
he were the proper one to do so. He spoke at
last; but as if he would have preferred to waive
the question:
“No, Mr. Ingersoll is not here. He got his
passport the same day he died."
"I-I—thought he believed-or didn't believe-
I really do not know how to express it,” stam-
mered the young man in his excitement.
“Young man,” said the bishop impressively,
“it is not what a man believes, or thinks he be-
lieves, while on earth, that gains heaven, but
what he does."
All the ghosts clapped their hands and shouted,
"Hear, hear.” The young man found food for
the thought in the fact just told him. He made a
resolution to become acquainted with the words
of the man who had received his passport the same
day he died. And, moreover, he intended to fol-
low them.
There was a ghost who up to now had taken
no part in the conversation, and he suddenly fixed
the newspaper man with a compelling glance and
said, slowly and impressively:


106
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
"It seems to me that no one has exactly an-
swered the question about the phenomenon of
death, which is in reality no greater than that
of birth. We see that, but even the wisest men of
all time knows no more of the life principle than
the most ignorant. We know only that we enter
this world and quit it through the doors of pain.
When my own final moment came, I knew it and
braced myself so that if ever I should be able
to tell those still of the world all the sensations
experienced I would do so. If this is my oppor-
tunity I am glad of it.
"In the first place, I was a strong man and
nothing but the pneumonia ever seemed to get a
hold on me. I was ill about a week, and they
all thought I was getting better, and for that rea-
son I refused to take any more medicine, though
really that would have made no difference any
way,
time had come.
“Suddenly I felt a strange sensation, as if some
one were pouring cold water into my lungs, and
in a few minutes-perhaps seconds--my lungs
were full of water. I was drowning just as much
as if I had fallen into the water. I held my
breath for a moment, and when I attempted to
breathe it was impossible to do so. I had a mo-
ment of dizziness, and after that I saw everything
about me quite clearly, and I opened my eyes
for
ту


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
107
twice more. Then I felt that if I could only get
the water out of my lungs I would be all right.
With one last effort I turned over in bed and
tried to let the water run out, but it was useless,
and I said to myself that the only thing was to
get out of my body, for I felt stifling and knew
that if I did not breathe I should succumb. The
struggle for breath continued and I suddenly let
go and fell free from my body, and it was quite
ten minutes before I realized that the relief I ex-
perienced was because I was dead. At least, so
far as the life I had left was concerned.
“When I did realize it I think my principal
sentiment was anger at myself for my foolish-
ness in trying to get loose from my own body.
Death means to my mind simply that the time al-
lotted to you and your little needs in this universe
has expired, and you must go to the next, which
is this existence where we have not yet been puri-
fied of our earthly dross. I may add a few more
words, though they are only thoughts of my own,
based on what I have seen and been told. I be-
lieve that all women who die in motherhood,
sailors who are drowned at sea, all who have lived
pure and honest lives, all the oppressed of all
peoples, all little children and many grown per-
sons who never saw or even heard of a church,
are in some way and for reasons beyond our un-


108
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
derstanding, given their passports at once.
Perhaps the Master who knows the heart's inner-
most thoughts knows that-well-I can only say
that I wish that all people know what our bishop
has just said: 'It is not so much what a man
believes as what he does that wins heaven for
him.'
At this moment a tall ghost arose at the end
of the principal table, looked around with a pom-
pous air and in the attitude of a Sunday-school
superintendent, addressing the unfortunate chil-
dren, said in a clear, strong voice:
“Ladies and gentlemen, we have gathered here
to-night in accordance with our privilege and in
the performance of our duty, and we have ban-
quetted on the choicest viands."
Here one ghost was heard to mutter that he
didn't give shucks for all their choicest viands,
and he would prefer any day in the year a good
dish of baked beans or bean soup to all their boned
turkey and putty de foiegrass, and as for the
highfalutin sweets he had rather have a mince
or pumpkin pie." There were some gentle mur-
murs of approval at this declaration of faith, but
the speaker turned severe eyes upon the grum-
blers, whereat they subsided. The tall ghost con-
tinued his speech:
"We will now propose a toast to the ladies,


THẺ SOCIABLE GHOST.
109
and I wish to include our guest of honor, the
Princess Shep, from Egypt. This noble lady has
left her sarcophagus at the Museum of Art for
this occasion, and it is our desire that she be in-
stalled in the seat of honor at the head of this
table and afterward at the end of the hall where
she can see the dancing and hear the speeches,
and also hear the epitaphs such as are put upon
our graves. This lady has been dead over five
thousand years, and has seen much in that time
of which we are entirely ignorant. Permit me,
ladies and gentlemen, to present the Princess
Shep, to whose most marvelous state of preserva-
tion we must do honor."
At this point he led the Princess, who was
greatly hampered by her windings to a chair
much higher than the others, and seated her
there with much ceremony, at the same time gal-
lantly lifting one of the little brown hands to his
grinning mouth.
As soon as she was seated the master of cere-
monies rapped sharply for order, and then said:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we have several
frends from Derby, Conn., and part of this eve-
ning's entertainment will consist of hearing them
recite their remarkable epitaphs, and so allow me
to introduce the ladies first. I have the honor
of presenting Mrs. Desire Kimberly, relict of Mr.


110
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
Israel Kimberly, who exchanged this life for im-
mortality August 21st, 1794, age 28.”
Saying this he took the hand of a small ghost,
who arose to her feet, and stood bashfully, like
a child at school examinations. The tall ghost
said:
“Mrs. Kimberly will repeat her own epitaph,
and I will say here that in spite of its length-
its very unusual length-she has managed nearly
half of it already."
The lady began in a strident voice and re-
peated the verses, while the reporter took
surreptitious notes, holding his book under the
table cloth, for he felt just a little delicate about
letting them know he was among them taking
notes, but on the other hand he knew that he
could never remember anything that had dates,
or verses. He desired to be absolutely correct
about this epitaph, so he took down as she re-
peated :
"Sacred to the memory of Mrs. Desire Kim-
berly, who exchanged this life for immortality,
August 21st, 1794, age 28."
As she said this one woman near the news-
paper man said to the one on the other side that
she thought it entirely unnecessary for her to go
over all that rigmarole, as the gentleman had just
said it. The other lady in blissful ignorance of


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
111
this by play continued with her epitaph. The
rest was the poetry.
“Here she bids her friends adieu,
Some angel calls her to the spheres;
Our eyes the radiant' saint pursue,
Through liquid telescope of tears."
She sat down with murmurs of applause all
around. The master of ceremonies took his stand
again and said while he waved his hand :
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is Mrs. Betsy
Pease, who departed this life May ye 8, 1797,
in ye 21st year of her age. Mrs. Betsy Pease
was the wife of Mr. Isaac Pease, daughter of
Mr. Thaddeous Bald. Mrs. Pease, ladies and
gentlemen."
The lady began her recital in a very sing-song
voice:
"With pangs severe strangling in blood,
She soon became a lifeless clod;
The summons of her God she obeyed,
She closes life and ends her days."
With a low courtesy, not altogether devoid of
grace, she sat down, evidently as much pleased
as an elocutionist after she has recited Curfew
shall not ring to-night. The applause was fainter,
but she appeared satisfied. The master of cere-


1 1 2
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
monies again stood up to introduce Miss Mary
Hunter, who died in 1782, aged 17. She arose to
her feet, and as she did so she seemed to stretch
out like the gates to a ferry boat until she reached
her full height, which must have been at least six
feet. She had a harsh, rasping voice, and in a
slow and impressive manner she said:
"She is not here, 'tis but a veil of clay
That moulders into dust beneath this stone;
Mary herself in realms of fadeless glory
Has put a robe of fadeless glory on.
This monumental urn is not designed
To tell of beauties withering in the tomb,
Her brightest charms were centered in her mind
Which still prevail and will forever bloom.
Her conscious soul
Allied to angels hails the glorious change,
And joins the blest societies above
In all the freshness of immortal love.
There is a world of bliss hereafter, else
Why are the bad above, the good beneath
The green grass of the grave?”
This whole performance was so irresistibly
comical that the unfortunate young man had such
a sudden fit of strangling that two of the most
muscular ghosts smote him on the back until he
was in danger of having his spinal column dis-
located, while the beauteous Mary sat down with
an air of pride, which was quite natural when



The Princess Shep.–Page 109.





THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
113
one considered the difficulty under which she
labored. As she sat down she seemed to double
up like a jacknife or a two-foot rule. There
were murmurs of commiseration over the length
of this epitaph, and the reporter thought to him-
self that it was rather a queer idea to contraste
the robes of fadeless glory with the few rotting
remnants of her cerements.
Scarcely had she taken her seat when a woman
stood up, and as if she feared she would not get
a chance to recite her effusion, she began and
rattled it off in one string without punctuation,
though to be sure this seemed to be a common
fault with these ladies. She said:
"Mary Jane Smith, died Feb. Ist, 1752, age 43.
Affliction sore long time she bore,
Physician's art was vain,
Till God did please that death should seize
And ease me of my pain.
Farewell my husband and my children,
Farewell to all on earth,
I hope to meet you all in heaven,
Where parting is no more."
Mrs. Smith's ghost sat down in the conscious-
ness of having taken time by the forelock and
that now she was sure that no one could defraud
her of her chance to recite the atrocity which she
seemed to think so worthy of admiration. The


114
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
master of ceremonies was evidently put out to
think that anyone should take liberties with his
programme, so that he grew rattled a little and
instead of continuing to call upon the rest of the
ladies he hurriedly said:
“If Mr. John Beers is here will he please rise
and tell us what they put on his gravestone?"
A very decrepit old man stood up after several
trials to do so and in a weak and quavering voice
repeated :
"John Beers, a Revolutionary pensioner, died April
22, aged 89.
He fell as falls the oak with years,
Which storms have beat upon,
Upon his grave we shed our tears,
To heaven we hope he's gone."
As this feeble old man sat down it seemed to
the young man that it was a little hard on the
old man's memory that they had left his ultimate
destination in doubt. Still, as the old man made
no objection no one else had any right to com-
plain. The old man received quite an ovation,
As he subsided the master of ceremonies said:
"Is Mr. Peleg Eddy here? I am sorry to say
that I have never had the pleasure of meeting Mr.
Eddy, so I cannot tell which one of our invited
guests he is.”
>


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
115
He looked around three or four times, and
again asked for the gentleman from out of town.
Finally a gloomy looking little man stood up with
a very
bad
grace.
He could not have been more
than five feet tall in life and was now consider-
ably less. He repeated:
"Peleg Eddy and his wife,
They sot out in early life.
They turned about each other's hearts,
But God doth call and they must part.
'Tis hard to part and leave behind
A tender wife and child so kind.
With anxious care she watched his bed,
And kept cold towels on his head,
But all in vain, for God doth send
And call away her bosom friend.
To his dear mother standing by,
Saying, *Dear mother, prepare to die,
The heavens in glory is full of view,'
He soon did bid this world a long adïeu.
A few hours after his senses fled,
And now he sleeps among the dead;
Sleep on, sleep on, and take thy rest,
God called thee home we all thought best."
.
As this unfortunate man, whose family had
laid this heavy load on him, sat down there were
murmurs of condolence all around, and the news-
paper man asked if he would permit him to ask
where he was buried, whereupon he glared in the
>


116
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
most ferocious manner at the interloper, while
his bony fists clenched ominously:
"You may ask if you like, but I shall not an-
swer. Do you think it is not enough to have to
lie under that stuff without letting all the rubber-
neckers in the country know where it is that they
may come and make fun of it?"
The young man disclaimed any such intention,
and said that he regretted having asked, and
apologized so abjectly that at last the poor ghost
unbent a little and volunteered the information
that the widow who had been such a ministering
angel with her cold towels had wedded again in
just one year, "and his name is Whipple, and I
am just laying for him. If ever I do find him I
am going to pulverize him. He wrote that
epitaph and my wife thought it such a wonder-
ful poetic effusion that she lost her heart, and
common sense. I wait year after year in hopes of
meeting him. Have you any idea how many
centuries it will take to rub out all that?"
The newspaper man told the unhappy ghost
that there was no punishment too great for a
man guilty of such a pack of doggerel, and he
meant it, and made another mental note that he
should leave strict orders that no epitaph should
be put over his resting place when he should be


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
117
no more. The master of ceremonies now stood
up and announced:
"I have the honor to announce that Sergeant
Benjamin Davis, who was in the Civil War in
the Seventh Regiment of Connecticut volunteers
is here. He participated in sixteen battles and
served four years. He will now speak.”
The ghost of the young man stood up, and he
wore the shreds of his uniform, and so was the
only ghost who did not wear what was left of his
shroud. He said modestly:
"Ben. F. Davis, a sergeant in the Seventh
Connecticut Volunteers. Participated in sixteen
battles with conspicuous bravery and contracted
chronic-
Here he was suddenly interrupted by the leader
of society, who said with great concern:
"Sir, do not forget that there are ladies pres-
ent.”
"Who is this galoot? By what right do you
assume, sir, that I was about to insult these ladies ?
It is a good job for you that there are ladies
present. I would use you for a curry comb other-
wise. Now, then, just you close the doors of your
face, as Job says. I contracted chronic rheuma-
tism and died of rheumatism of the heart. Have
you any objections to make to that?"
“No, not at all, only it was probably heart fail-


118
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
ure, instead of what you say. It is not fashion-
able to have rheumatism of the heart now, for it
is dignified as heart failure. We have heart fail-
ure, and appendicitis, and laryngitis-"
"Folks die of them just the same, don't they?"
“Yes; but it sounds so much more refined.”
The soldier boy looked at the man whose re-
finements were so much greater than the occasion
required from head to foot, and then said de-
fiantly:
"I don't see that you make any better looking
ghost than the rest of us, and for two cents I
would smash that ugly skull of yours, or at least
reduce that very evident bump of self-esteem.”
At this juncture the master of ceremonies was
struggling with an overwhelming desire to laugh,
for no one liked this man who always felt it a
bounden duty to find fault with every one and
everything. But, at last he managed to rap for
order and when the other ghosts had ceased
laughing at the leader's discomfiture, he said:
"Ladies and gentlemen, by some mischance I
failed to see the name of a lady from Derby, one
whom we should all delight to honor, and I now
ask Mrs. Hannah Clark to rise and favor us with
her epitaph. Mrs. Clark, ladies and gentlemen.”
As he said this the old lady arose to her feet,


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
119
and holding to the edge of the table repeated in
a weak and quavering voice:
"Hannah Clark, died September, 1801, aged
91. Her lineal descendants at the time of her
death were 333, viz.: 10 children, 62 grand-chil-
dren, 242 great-grandchildren and 19 great-great-
grandchildren. During her long life her company
was the delight of her numerous friends and ac-
quaintances. Having performed the duties of
life and being impressed with the reality and im-
portance of religion she died as she had lived,
satisfied and happy."
As she said these words there came a strange
and subtle change over her seamed and wrinkled
skull, and she seemed to be putting on some filmy
veil that softened all the outlines of the bones,
and she said in a voice that grew sweeter and
stronger with every word:
"My dear friends, it is borne in upon me that
my time has come to leave all that belongs to this
stage of existence and go where my Master calls
me. It has come very unexpectedly, for I had
not hoped for my passport for many long years
yet. Adieu, adieu !"
Even as she spoke she was undergoing a
change that was so wonderful that the whole
assemblage, including the reporter, watched her
intently. First, the bones of her skeleton grew


I 20
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
misty and indefinite, and in their places there
gathered a soft, filmy, nebulous mass of floating
particles, and little by little they united into a
misty, floating body, and this in turn took the
form of the dead woman's face before decay had
touched it. The features were defined as those
of a lovable old lady, and flesh appeared to clothe
the fleshless bones.
For a moment she looked at the people, and
then with a smile of ineffable sweetness she van-
ished into nothingness, the tender smile seeming
to remain even after all the rest had vanished.
For several minutes everything was still, with
that strange stillness which sometimes falls upon
a whole community, without apparent reason,
when every sense is alert, though nothing tangible
is seen. The young newspaper man felt a lump
rise in his throat, and two tears jumped suddenly
from his eyes and rolled unheeded down his
cheeks as he thought of the years of toil this
woman had borne without thought or hope of
recompense, and now she was so signally blest.
The sight laid one more stone in the foundation
of the resolves made this night as to his future.
That the occasion was a solemn one, the silence
and evident awe of the other ghosts was proof.
Besides, the fading face was so glorified, and
wore such a beatific expression that no one who



領
​With a smile of ineffable sweetness she vanished.
-Page 120.





THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
I 21
saw it could doubt the fact that her season of
penance was ended.
Filled with these thoughts, and marveling at it
all, the young man scarcely knew that all the
tables had disappeared, when he found himself
sitting alone on a chair in the middle of the im-
mense room.
He hastily rose to his feet and started off to
find the Sociable Ghost, but he was nowhere to
be seen, and so he entered into a conversation
with a man who had been sitting silently at the
table, and asked him if he could tell him how
such a transformation had taken place and what
had become of the bones, or had he been the
victim of an optical illusion? The man replied:
“No one knows the hour of his release until it
comes, and when it does, all the bones and all
other material parts fall into impalpable dust and
go to help build more worlds. From now on the
spirit is free from all hindrance, and it is to be
supposed that it passes to a better sphere. That
is all we know about it. We all hope for the hour
.
of release, but only the Master can tell when we
have earned the right.”
Probably the man would have said more on the
subject, had not the ghost of Peleg Eddy come
along and stopped, saying angrily:
“Aha! I have found you at last! You are the


122
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
idiot that wrote that epitaph to weigh me down
forever! And, you married my widow—”
“You ought to pardon me the first on account
of the last.”
“You are a liar, sir-"
Peleg Eddy interrupted the conversation right
here, for the other ghost doubled up his fist and
let it go, and it went in the direction of Peleg's
head, and that not being on very strong, owing
to the fact that the bones were very small, the
head rolled to the floor and on for some little dis-
tance, while there was a general shout of laugh-
ter at the mishap. Peleg ran after it and putting
it under his arm for safety, said in trembling
tones :
"You had better take care, sir, and not arouse
the sleeping lion. Don't turn the tiger loose in
I am afraid to say of what I am capable
when I am aroused fully."
“Oh, don't be afraid to tell us, for nobody else
is afraid, but I advise you to go and take a nap,
and if in that sweet slumber you even dream that
you can thrash me I shall know it, and I will give
you one that will last you a thousand years. I
owe you one for dying anyhow, or I should never
have married your widow. She led me a dog's
life, and I just feel like taking it out of you.”
By this time all the ghosts were tired of a quar-
me.


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
123
rel promising so little real fight, and they saun-
tered off in different directions while the young
man, left alone, walked along toward the Egyp-
tian.
As he walked along he heard two women talk-
ing and as the princess happened to be the subject
of their conversation he sauntered more slowly
so that he could hear what they were saying.
The smaller one of the two said:
"I don't see where her wonderful preservation
comes in, for she is nothing but a mummy any-
how. Anybody could be as stiff as she is if she
had been soaked in coal tar a year or so. And
they dry them so that they are nothing but a piece
of tinder, and I am surprised that Mr. Hunting-
ton should think her remarkable. I am sure she
cannot show a curl of real hair as soft and silky
as it was when she was alive, like some one that
I know of.”
This caused the young man to notice the
speaker more particularly, and he saw that while
she was small, there was still something about
her that made him think she had been a beauty
in her lifetime, for the shape and the outlines of
her head and skeleton were certainly different
from those of most of the others. There was
something of elegance in her movements and more
grace than one could mentally connect with a skele-
a


124
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
ton. She held her head very much to one side
and reminded him of the girls he had read about
in the old romances, “bending over her tambour
frame, with her eyes cast down modestly while
her lovely eyes were suffused with tears of sensi-
bility.”
On one side of the head which was turned to
the newspaper man there was a long curl of silky
brown hair. This she twisted constantly with
her bony fingers and smoothed with apparent af-
fection, a sentiment which the young man under-
stood when, by an unfortunate movement she
half turned her head and he saw that there was
not another spear of hair on her whole skull. Be-
tween a desire to laugh at the utter ridiculousness
of her pretension, and pity for the little feminine
vanity that made her cling to her one poor lone
curl, the young man retired into the shadows
made by the decorations, and that is how he
happened to hear the conversation of several lady
ghosts.
As soon as the banquet was finished, the Egyp-
tian princess had been installed in her high chair,
and she held audience with as many men as could
crowd around her, and so the women were in a
measure left to themselves. They gathered into
groups and fell to discussing various subjects,
Some told of what they had been doing the even-


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
125
ing before, when they were abroad in their spirit-
ual form only. One of them said sadly:
"I went to the place where my husband and I
always loved to be. I thought perhaps he might
be there, for he promised me as I lay dying that
on every anniversary of my death he would go
there. It was there that we had become engaged,
and we were so happy there”
"Did he come?" asked she of the lone curl.
"Yes; he did come, but he brought another
woman with him, and the very things he used to
say to me he said to her. He kissed her and told
her that he had never loved any one as he loved
her, for such love comes but once in a lifetime.
She is the fifth woman to whom I have heard
him say the same things. I wish he would at
least seek some other place for his foolishness,
for you cannot imagine how foolish it seems to
hear a man make love to another woman. He
wouldn't be my choice of a man anyhow if I had
my life to live over again. It will be a happy
day when I get my passport and can leave all these
worries behind."
Here was the question of passports again, and
yet the newspaper man did not know what it
meant. He began to blame himself for remiss-
ness in his duty, and to fear that he would find
himself outside without having learned it. So


126
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
he made up his mind that he would ask his host
about it the first thing when he should find him
again.
The second woman took up the conversation
and said:
"Well, Mary, your lot is not so hard as mine.
You had no little children to leave. When I
died I went to my old home and hovered over my
little children, knowing that they needed a
mother's care, and there sat another woman be-
side the cradle, and it was she who answered when
my baby cried. It was the first time the baby
spoke and she called that woman mother.”
At this moment the girl with the curl, as the
reporter called her, began to complain again, but
this time it was about the grave of Charlotte
Temple.
"Really it wearies me to see what a ridiculous
fuss all the lovelorn fools make about her grave.
And, she got her passport long ago. Really I
think that is paying a premium on weakness.
One would think she was the only one to be dis-
appointed in a man. Here come any number of
silly things every day and nearly always bring
something to put on her slab, which isn't much,
anyhow. Not a word of epitaph, nothing but
her name.
“The only thing good about it is that some


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
127
>
a
one hollowed out a place so that birds can drink
out of it. After a rain there may be some water
there, but it soon dries up, and others bring flower
pots and bouquets for poor Floyd to sweep away.
I noticed to-night that there was a scrubby little
fish geranium in a dried up pot standing there and
a most forlorn little kitten was trying to find a few
drops of water."
The young man instantly resolved that he
would find that poor little kitten which, he felt
sure, was the very one at which he had shied the
stone. His mother would not object, so having
set his conscience at rest, as so many of us do by
promising to right a wrong-later on-he found
himself again listening when one of the other
women took up the conversation, and looking at
the Egyptian, who still seemed to monopolize the
gentlemen ghosts to a most scandalous extent and
remarked:
“I think a woman as black as that mummy
ought not to be allowed here among us. As to
princesses of her time, they were no better than
they should be, and if history is correct, they went
about in such a state as to scandalize anybody.
They certainly couldn't have been pretty with
those black faces. And I, for one, don't think
they should be set up for miracles either."
At this moment there passed a queer looking


128
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
woman ghost. Her back was bad and her legs
were queer, like those of poor little Jenny Wren,
and she had, in spite of her affliction, such a grand
air of importance that she was remarkable among
all the ghosts. As she passed the girl with the
curl, she gave her head a toss as if she really
intended an insult. As soon as she had passed
out of hearing, the girl with the curl turned to
the others and said:
"Did you see Mrs. Simon Mullinstalk? I im-
agine you will know her the next time you do,
for she is so proud of that name that she tries
to project her personality everywhere. Did you
ever hear how she came by that magnificent
name?"
"No," they all said in a chorus, “who is she,
anyway?”
“Why she was an old maid, and her name was
Sus nah Skinks. She was the only daughter
of old Solon Skinks. He had a snug little for-
tune, but was such a miser that they never had
enough to eat. I have heard my mother say that
it was working beyond her strength while she was
small that she became as you see her. When her
father died-her mother had died long before—he
gave her all he had, on the promise that while
she lived she would never marry any one.
She
kept her promise, but when she lay upon her
-



******
“Don't rouse the sleeping lion.”- Page 122.





THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
129
deathbed—she was then forty-eight years old
she for some reason felt that she did not wish
to have her name and age go down to posterity
on her tombstone as an old maid. She unbos-
omed her feelings to her pastor. He knew she
had money and might remember the missionary
work in which he was interested, and advised
her, saying that she was practically dead now, and
there could be no harm in making a deathbed
marriage.
“They sent for the man whose name appealed
to her. He was a hopeless paralytic, and had to
be brought to her. They were left alone while
she unfolded her plan to him. She wanted to
be able to have Mrs. on her tombstone, and if he
consented to marry her now, she would will him
everything she possessed. This just suited him,
for the county had been supporting him for a
long time, and he felt his position keenly. Here
was a chance to suddenly become a man of im-
portance, and from being a pauper, he could also
provide for his old mother. As the minister was
there and everything foreseen and provided for,
the wedding was soon over and notice of it sent
to the local paper. The old mother was sent
for and Mr. Mullinstalk remained. Two days
later she died. She had designed what she wished
to have put on her tomb stone. But when the


130
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
sculptor went to carve the name, he somehow mis-
calculated the length of the name and could get
only as far as Mrs. Simon Mullinst-, and carried
the rest to a line below, but Simon seemed to
think it was all right."
“Did she give anything to the missionaries?”
asked an old lady with great interest.
“Not a penny, but she gave all her old clothes.
That preacher was engaged to be married at the
time and after the wedding they went off to some
desolate place where the savages killed them.
The cannibals were merciful enough to grant
their last request, and that was that they should
be boiled in the same kettle, and served up in the
same dish, so that people could say of them that
'they were lovely in their lives and in death were
not divided.'”
"It must have been an intolerable blessing,
when they loved each other so. Poor critters!
Well, they are having their reward, I hope.”
Just then the tall ghost came along and spoke
to the lady of the long, lone curl. He asked her
if she would not like to take a turn, at the same
time lifting her small hand in his, with exceeding
care so as not to break any of the delicate bones.
He said:
"My dear young lady, how glad I am of having
the honor of seeing you once more. It makes me


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
131
regret that things are as they are here, yet I find
a balm for my hurt in the fact that there is no
marrying, or giving in marriage, for thus I am
assured that no one else can claim you. We can
be friends until we get our passports, and pos-
sibly we shall be permitted to maintain the same
friendly relations beyond."
At this delicate compliment, the maiden bowed
her head and smiled, as indeed she had to, having
no means of doing anything else. So, when the
tall ghost offered his arm to take her around to see
the decorations, she managed so skillfully that she
took his right arm so that he should not see the
bald side of her head. If he had seen it he could
not have made any objections since his own head
was as bare of hair as a stone. As they moved
off the young man turned his attention again to
the women and their conversation. He heard one
say:
"I do not belong here, for I am buried in old
St. Luke's, and if it hadn't been for the kindness
of a friend I should have had nowhere to go to-
night. I really wish we could stay dead and not
have to come out until we are called for transfer.
I never come out, but I am made to wish I hadn't.
You know they have taken our peaceful resting
place and made a public park of it, and that with-
out being sure that we were all removed. Those
a


132
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
of us without relatives left were removed by the
Trinity Corporation, or at least that is what I
was told. While they were moving the bodies, I
remembered a verse that was written by some one
who must have seen something like this. It runs:
“There's a grim one-horse hearse in a jolly round trot,
To the churchyard a pauper is going, I wot;
The road is rough and the hearse has no springs,
And hark to the dirge which the mad driver sings :
'Rattle his bones over the stones,
He's only a pauper whom nobody owns.'"
"Nobody seems to think that old bones can
feel. What hurts me worst though is where it
said on my monument, for I had a rather nice one
for the period when I was buried, that 'she died
at the age of 21 in the bloom of her youth and
beauty, leaving her parents and her young hus-
band desolate.' Yes; my young husband re-
mained desolate just one year and a day, and then
he married again. But as long as they lived my
parents mourned for me. I tell you what, my
dears, a man's love for a woman lasts just as
long as she is there to make him comfortable, and
no longer. I saw him not long ago, and he is old
and fat, bald and toothless, and he chews tobacco.
Since then I have been almost glad that I am
dead. I wish I could get my passport, but I sup-


THE SOCIABLE GHOST
133
ور و
pose I have not learned all the lessons the Master
has set for me."
"Do you believe that it is true that when we
marry there is a truer union than that between
parents and children? You know that it say's
in the Bible, 'For this cause a man shall leave his
father and his mother, and they twain shall be
one flesh.'
Another woman who up to now had taken no
part in the conversation spoke in a resonant voice,
and with a certain manner that betokened long
practice in public. She said impressively:
“Yes; we have all heard that, but I think the
translators have got it mixed, and it should not
read shall, but will leave his father and mother,
for we know that he will do just as he likes and
find a good reason for anything he wants to do.
And we do not need to be told how long it takes
him to forget the wife he declared he could not
live without. And we can calculate to the hour
when he will remarry. The fact of the matter is
that man is an utterly selfish being. Women have
been expecting too much of men. They should
be taught that women are not to be made the play-
things of an idle hour. Oh, if we could only ad-
vise our earthly sisters! Let us form a union-a
strong union—and make our displeasure felt at
this outrageous infidelity. I will be president."


134
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
There were murmurs of various kinds, none of
them very distinct, and then the lady continued :
“All of you who are in favor of the movement
hold up your hands."
One large and still imposing woman ostenta-
tiously folded her hands, and several of the others
followed her lead and kept their hands down.
The would be president said:
“Madam, may I ask you if you have any per-
sonal objection to me?"
"None at all," was the reply.
"Then I beg that you will reconsider your an-
tagonistic attitude and raise your hand with the
rest. Or, if you have any objection, please state
it.”
"I'll be tail to no one's kite, and don't you for-
get it.”
The young
This blunt reply caused three or four men who
had unnoticed gathered around, to break out into
their queer crackling laughter, and this so in-
censed the would-be president that she walked
away in a most dignified manner.
man found that he had unconsciously formed
the nucleus of a group of men, and he felt glad
of it, for there were several things that he felt
he must learn before the end of the evening.
So as these men seemed to him to be kindly dis-
posed, he said to one of them:


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
135
a
"I could not help hearing the complaints of
those ladies, and it would give me the liveliest
pleasure if I could learn something more of all
this reunion. And, so far as I could judge by my
own short experience and observation, women
are quite as apt to remarry as men. I think they
are a little harsh in their judgment."
“You are right, young man,” said a fine, intel-
lectual looking ghost, “but there is something to
be said on the other side. Women
oftener
-than men after being widowed. If anything
is said they claim a dozen reasons why it be-
came a necessity. Being left alone and without
support, they have to marry. If they have money
they need some one to take care of it. Now I
was married, and I assure you that had she died,
I should have gone to my grave mourning for
her. She promised me on my death bed that
she would not give any man even enough en-
couragement to allow him to ask her hand. I
died content, and felt sure that some time we
would be united in that better land. I willed
her everything I had. By George! She came to
my grave one day with a bunch of flowers and
began to cry and tell me that she was lonely, and
that she had seen a man who could cheer her
up, and asked my consent to her marriage with
him. Of course I could not speak to say no, and
marry


136
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
the artful minx took my silence as a tacit con-
sent. Then she called me all sorts of a noble and
a
generous man, and went off. The next day she
came back with the silliest looking chump you
ever saw, and she said to me lying there helpless
down below: 'Jim, you know that I promised you
that I would never let any man propose to me, so
now to show you that I have kept my word, I
ask you, Reginald-Ethelbert, to be my husband.'
I was cured of all my infatuation for her as soon
as I saw what kind of a man she thought so
noble and so grand. They are both old now, and
if I had wanted revenge, I could have had it, for
they are about as well suited to each other as a
cat and dog. It is better not to ask any promises,
for a woman will find some way to get out of
them, and it is still better not to regard wed-
lock as an indissoluble tie, for death does dissolve
it, and we have been told that in Heaven there is
no marrying or giving in marriage."
This was a new and comforting idea for the
young man, and he began to feel that after all
this life is short, and that it might not be long
before the foreign count would be no more to the
girl he loved so hopelessly than himself. Then he
asked the ghost:
“Will you kindly tell me, sir, on what ground


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
137
men and women meet in the sphere where you
all ultimately go?"
“There are many things which we who are still
in this intermediate existence do not know, but it
is the general opinion that we shall meet upon one
platform of spiritual goodness, and be just
friends.
"In life, if you think it over, there is nothing
so sweet and worthy as true friendship, and that
obtains also in the world of spirits. There we
shall all be friends, true and faithful in the deep-
est meaning of the word. We shall find the most
exquisite pleasure in working for others, and as
we are devoted and self-sacrificing toward others,
so will others be to us, and in that way the peace
and good will will so permeate all that the whole
atmosphere will be charged with the utmost de-
light.”
“According to that belief there will be no love
making, and those who believed in their love for
each other will not feel the same kind of sentiment
in the other world?”
"My young friend, as you now understand it,
there is no love. There are on earth natural se-
lections, or affinities, and there are personal at-
tractions, and there are other and less noble
instincts; vanity, interest, and a hundred other
mental conditions which we bunch together and


138
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
call love. All of these, singly or collectively, are
disappointing from beginning to end. They are
the cause of more crime and misery than words
can tell. Love, as we call it, is of this world, and
is not perfect. Eliminate the word love and put
in its place pure and true friendship, and we have
heaven. Heaven, do you understand ?”
“Some persons would prefer the world and the
love that makes it turn around," said the news-
paper man rather flippantly, yet at the same mo-
ment he felt a great throb of pain as the vision
of the beautiful girl he so hopelessly loved
flashed through his mind. The ghost, with a gen-
tle bend of his head, said:
"You are thinking of Miss — and being
also of the earth my words fall upon impatient
ears, but there will come a day when all earthly
desire shall have faded from your mind and heart,
you will find that a pure and sweet friendship is
far more satisfying than any present love could
be. So keep your heart pure and be true to
yourself, and your time of probation will be short.
She will be there before you, and when your heart
is laid bare before her-
"But I said nothing about any young lady,"
said the young man, half frightened as he sud-
denly remembered that fact.
"I know you did not,” replied the ghost. “We
"


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
139
do not require that any one should speak, though
we do talk to each other, but that is more from
force of habit than necessity. And, especially
where the theme is one of deep import, one up-
lifting in its subject, we simply sense what an-
other would say.
"Sir," said the reporter, “I should be glad of
any information that you can conscientiously give
me about life after death and the future exis-
tence.”
"It is a natural sentiment, but I fear there is
little left for you to know. You have been per-
mitted to penetrate to the abode of the dead and
to behold all there is to see. You find that men
and women can come out of their coffins, walk
about and converse, eat and drink, and later you
may see them at their penance. You have prob-
ably noticed that they are all possessed of a cer-
tain resemblance to what they were in life—that
is, they have their bony structure still, and some-
thing of their personality, and much of their dis-
position. So long as the bones do not decay they
must stay under the conditions as you see them.
The decay of the bones seems to be regulated
by the character of the owner of them, and the
use he made of them in his lifetime. So long
as there is any of the material part of the body
left the spirit is chained to it, though it may leavę


140
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
it for a time when the spiritual longing is stronger
than the material in the bones. When we get our
passports the whole dissolves, and we here long
for that consummation. Ah, much more than I
can tell you."


CHAPTER VI.
THE GHOSTS TELL STORIES, AND COMPARE NOTES.
At this moment another ghost came up and
joined in the conversation and said impressively:
“Young gentleman, you are having the most
remarkable experience of your life. You want
to see all you can, for probably never before did
man come down and see the dead as they really
are-before they get their passports. Certainly
some live persons do come down occasionally, but
they do not count, for they are only those who
are buried alive, and they do not get out, as they
do not as a rule live long. All these ghosts are
dead of body, but are not sufficiently purified in
soul to go free from the hindrance of bones. So
they all, men and women alike, are burdened with
many of their old characteristics, and in many
ways they act much as they did during life. In-
141


142
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
:
deed, it has seemed to me that it may be quite
possible that the repetition of their least pleasant
characteristics here is a sort of punishment, and
-well, all this will doubtless strike you as dif-
ferent from what you had imagined. It shall be
my pleasant task to tell you anything you may
wish to know so far as it lies in my power.”
“I should like to know very much whether you
ever want to see your families, and how you man-
age to see them, and how it is that you seem to
know everything that goes on above ground.”
"We lie here in the dark alone, for except for
this one night in the year our bones are impris-
oned in our coffins, or wherever we lie, if, as
many of us have no coffins to lie in. That silence
and isolation naturally creates a necessity for
thought, concentrated and intense. This thought
is most often connected with those whom we have
left, and with whom we have been the most closely
associated in life, and so the thought becomes
desire. Thoughts are things, and they crystallize
into a vehicle for our transportation to wherever
we wish to go. We then become in a measure
disassociated from the material part of ourselves,
and the freed spirit can go where it will, and as it
retains its ego, it is as a general rule anything
but pleasant to go and hover around places and
persons we have left. Sometimes it has occurred


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
143
to me that some of our punishment was thus in-
tended.
“In my life I was one of that kind of men that
thought the world could not go on without me,
and I was sure that my death would leave a void
that never could be filled. And, above all, I
thought that all my well-laid plans for the benefit
of my family would be allowed to relapse into
confusion. All I ever did for my family was to
advise them, and the only real benefit I ever con-
ferred upon them was by dying, so that they
could collect the insurance I had placed on my
life. Well, I have since been obliged to float
around in space, unnoticed and unheard, and
probably unremembered, while things were being
done which would have had no approbation from
me, and they came out right after all. I am
obliged to admit that my family and the world at
large have gained by my death. Yet I was a very
religious man and was class leader in church, and
always had prayers every morning before break-
fast. I am ashamed to tell you the epitaph they
put on my stone, but I must admit in the light
of what I know now I deserved much worse.”
"I should like very much to know what it was,"
said the reporter eagerly.
“Very well; I will repeat it, leaving out the
'here lies,' etc.:


144
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
'He gave
Each day to Almighty God, advice of considerable
worth;
But his wife
Took in sewing to keep him going,
While he superintended the earth.''
"But it is much when you get to such a point
that you see what were your shortcomings in the
upper world.” “How much of it is out?” said an-
other ghost who was standing by interested in
this recital.
"Oh, you know that is truth and so is easy."
“I suppose we all have shortcomings against
our record when it comes to count all the things
we did and didn't do to our wives. We seemed
to think that when we had married a woman there
was nothing further to do to make her happy,
and the better and more willing she was the more
we imposed upon her. I was rather bossy my-
self, and I thought as you did that this world
could not get along without me, and I guess
I
must have carried my bossiness a little too far.
One morning Marinthy was tired of it and fixed
a plan that made me a little ashamed, for the
time. She slipped out of bed before daylight
and set all the clocks ahead four hours and then
rang the dinner bell and when the family had all
gathered she told them that she did not know


:
i
1

WIS
(6
“I found her sitting at the piano.”—Page 153.


!
1


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
145
what was going to happen now, for their father
had forgotten to tell the Lord that it was time
for the sun to rise."
“You are not the only one to have a rise taken
out of you, for I had a little of that sort of ex-
perience myself,” said another ghost with a very
long under jaw. “I, too, liked to lay down the
law for all my family to obey. My wife was gen-
erally a meek little soul, and never questioned
my right to order even the most trifling things.
But, at last she revolted and one day during pro-
tracted meetings when two clergymen and the
vestryman of our church were at my house to
dinner and we were all in the parlor waiting for
it to be ready, she opened the door half way and
crept timidly into the parlor, with a meek and
browbeaten air, and asked permission of me to
breathe through her mouth as her nose
stopped up."
Everybody within hearing laughed at this, but
the ghost who had told it, and he glared at the
first speaker, but they happened to think of some-
thing else and calmed down. One of them
turned to the reporter, saying:
"Is there anything that you would like to know
more than we have told you?”
"Yes; you said that you could float around and
see all that is going on. I should like to know if
was


146
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
any one of your friends feels or in any way
recognizes your presence?"
"They do not. We are intangible and in-
visible, and there is nothing to show them that
we are there, and the most ridiculous side of it
is that every one would be scared nearly to death
if he or she knew that there was a spirit in the
room. Then is the time that they need have the
least fear, for there is nothing of us that could
do the least possible harm.”
"Are there no persons whose natures are so
attuned to the spiritual life that they can see you
or feel your presence, and keep silent ?”
“If there is one I do not know him or her, and
frankly, I do not think that any one ever saw a
spirit. There is nothing to see. As to the
return of disembodied spirits to their old habita-
tions, that is certainly true, but no one knows it
or can know it, and so it does no harm and no
special good.”
Here the first speaker took up the question and
said:
"I believe that we can influence some dreams
by entering into the mind of one who sleeps and
is therefore in a measure free from all earthly
thrall save life itself. I know that three times
I have been able to enter into the mind of my
daughter in her sleep, and I have impressed her


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
147
so that she has shown clearly that she recognizes
my direction. But her case is a peculiar' one,
as she is one whose mind is absorbed to a degree
by her work so that every waking thought is
occupied with it and she elects to be alone as
much as she can. Being thus removed from
most outside influences and having no distrac-
tions aside from her own thoughts, and having
what one might define as an indwelling nature,
as well as a highly sensitive organization, she
has become almost like a sensitized photographic
plate, only it is in her brain that she receives these
unconscious impressions in her sleep. When she
awakens she believes she has dreamed, but the
impression is so strong that she obeys the line
of conduct laid out for her in this way. She
feels somehow that it is from me that the direc-
tion comes, and acts on it. But, from all that I
have heard this is an exceptional case."
"I think so, too," said the other ghost, "and
now you know as much about that as we do. We
are but the bones and a few ligaments, and we are
waiting until such time as may suit the Master
to give us release, and move us to whatever
sphere of existence He may choose."
At this moment a ghost stepped up and said in
a brisk way, as though he belonged to a newer
and more active age:
a


148
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
so.
"Gentlemen," here he bowed to the newspaper
man, and then right and left, "what these gentle-
men have said is quite true, as my own experience
will show, and if this gentleman wishes I will
tell my own story.” The young man bowed and
said that he certainly should like to hear it, so
the ghost said:
“That we can come out of our mouldering
bodies and hover unseen about our own homes is
About six months after I was dead I was
seized with the most intense longing to go to my
house. I have been dead but a comparatively
short time. I had been married but about two
years and naturally hated to leave my young
wife. But-well—we are not always free agents
in these cases and must die when our time comes.
I was run over by a cable car," he added as he
saw that all near by seemed to be interested, and
particularly the young man. “I was killed soon
after the Spanish war broke out. I did not want
to go as a volunteer and risk being shot and
killed. I had a good business all my own and a
nice little home all paid for, and I had every rea-
son to wish to live. My wife thought I ought to
leave all that and strike for glory. I tried to
make her see that glory does not go to the unit,
but to the officers in command, but it was no use,
she kept it up. I could not go anywhere without


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
149
hearing bands of music and seeing soldiers, and
at last it annoyed me so that I would take any
chance to avoid it. And, that is just how I came
to be killed. I started to cross a street when one
car was coming up and another going down. I
never did know just how it happened, but the
wheels went over my neck. You may notice how
loose it is."
"What did you do? How did you feel? When
did you know that you were dead? Or did
you know nothing until they got you out?” be-
gan the reporter breathlessly, for somehow this
accident appealed to him in an unusually strong
way.
“I knew as soon as I was out of my body. I
watched them lift the car with jacks to get me
out. I felt so mad that anger swallowed up every
other sensation to think I had let myself be killed
in this senseless way. But it was no use. I fol-
lowed along and was in the house ahead of my
body, and found Mary sitting there surrounded
with half a dozen scarehead newspapers around
her reading about the war. They brought my
body in, and you never saw such heartrending
grief. I felt sorry for her, but I could do nothing.
She sobbed and moaned and screamed with hy-
sterics, and it took four persons to hold her. Of


150
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
course it was a shock, I admit that, but it need
not have made her such an idiot."
“I think her grief quite natural,” said the re-
porter.
“Of course, of course. But wait till I tell you
the rest. They sent for an undertaker, one of the
swell ones.
Common funerals are out of date
now, or you would have thought so had you
heard him talk. Honey from Hymettus was not
sweeter than his sympathy, and oil from the olive
groves of Italy was not so smooth as his tongue.
He was so gentle and suggestive in his con-
solatory words that before the poor girl under-
stood she had given him carte blanche to have a
funeral such as should show the proper amount
of respect for the dead and her uncontrollable
grief. Oh, yes; everything must be such as would
pour balm into that broken heart. She had
never wanted anything during my life, and she
knew absolutely nothing about business, so that
glib fellow just turned her around his finger.
The funeral must be in church. That meant the
music and preacher to pay besides all the other
things. There must be palms all down the aisle,
and floral pieces. I must be embalmed. Well-
I hope he may be obliged to float helplessly
around and see some other fellow embalm him.
And I hope it may be a business rival! My


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
151
coffin was the finest, copper-lined, with silver
handles and plate-glass top. And she agreed to
it all without asking the price. She did not know
enough.
“Well, I suppose I ought to feel flattered
about it, but I don't. No, sir! And then the
grave. The highest priced lot was chosen by that
wily undertaker, and the grave dug. An awning
was stretched over it, and all the earth that came
out was sifted so that it should fall lightly with-
out that sickening thud that we hear when the
clods strike the coffin. Folding chairs were there
for the mourners, and iced vichy for those who
were thirsty. Carriages were provided for every
Tom, Dick and Harry that wanted to have a free
ride. My wife was the only mourner, for we
neither had any relatives. But, my employees
were there, and every comfort was provided for
them. I am telling you this to show how women
are imposed upon. Why the crape upon the door
was a yard wide and twice as long. The under-
taker made his strong point always saying that
nothing less would be showing the proper re-
spect. And my own dress suit that I hadn't worn
but three times was not good enough, and so he
went and put another on and charged her a hun-
dred dollars extra.
While he was doing this my wife had let her


152
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
friends go to the swellest store in the city and
order her mourning. They did not have to pay
for it themselves, and it felt important to be or-
dering the best. Nothing short of the finest and
richest Eudora cloth was good enough for the
dress, and this had to be almost covered with
the heaviest Courtauld crape, like those worn for
court mourning abroad, and among the smart set
here. Her bonnet had a little roll of white in
front to show that she was a widow, and there
was veil of the crape over the bonnet that reached
the feet back and front, and was reefed up in
a deep fold or hem or whatever they call it.
Then there were gloves and black bordered hand-
kerchiefs, and dull black jewelry, and to top off
with a long sealskin coat. They told her that was
the fashionable fur, for mourning, and it was
better to get a good one while she was about it,
as it would always be useful. They paid eight
hundred dollars for that!
“What is the use talking any more about it.
She paid her respects to the dead in the same kind
of clothes the millionaires wear, but it took the -
house and lot to pay for them, and crippled the
business besides. That undertaker soaked her
for three thousand dollars, and took a mortgage
on the house and furniture to pay, and the busi-
ness went to the dogs in less than six months. I


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
153
go
any more."
used to go up and hover around and try to infuse
a little sense into her head, but it was no use. I
don't there
This last was said with such evident dejection
that the reporter asked sympathetically why he
had ceased his visits.
"Well, it is this way. One evening about six
months after my death, as I was saying, I went
there and found her sitting at the piano and
playing softly and talking between bars to a young
woman whom I had never liked. She was really
the principal one to lead Mary on in her fatal ex-
travagance.
"From her conversation I found that the mort-
gage was to be foreclosed the next week. The
business was at its last gasp, and I thought she
seemed more cheerful than circumstances war-
ranted. Well, to make a long story short she was
telling her friend that she was engaged to marry
a captain in the army and that as soon as her
year and day was finished they would be married
and go to Porto Rico where he was to be sta-
tioned. Well, sir, I was so mad that I did not
know what to do. All I could do was to stand
there behind the piano and listen to their gabble.
I never went back again. I don't care if she has
to take in washing to support him. Now, wouldn't
that make your hair curl?”


154
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
"I certainly think it would,” replied the news-
paper man earnestly. Just then a small sized
ghost stepped forward timidly and in a very polite
manner bowing and signifying that he did not
wish to intrude, yet had something to say. Sev-
eral were gathered there and each evidently in-
tended to tell the story of his own taking off.
“Sir," said the little man as soon as he saw
that the reporter noticed him, “perhaps you might
feel interested in the singular way in which I
came to die. I may almost say that I did another
man's dying for him."
"It would be very interesting, I am sure," re-
plied the young man with a bow. This ghost had
a heavy manzanita cane with abundant evidence
of the hard knotty roots at the knob, and they
were so very sharp that the simple appearance of
it was quite enough to provoke interest in the
story, so the little ghost heaved a deep sigh and
began:
"I will make my story as short as possible, as
time presses. I was a young man in the best of
health, when some forty-five years ago I started
to California to make my fortune. I intended to
start a jewelry store in one of the mining towns,
in fact Murphy's Camp, a place well known then
as it is now. Some of the story I did not know


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
155
myself at the time of my death, though I learned
it since and will incorporate it in this.
“The people of that part of the country liked
to play practical jokes on strangers—I was a
stranger-and they took me in. The stage driver
and all the passengers set out to frighten me with
the most blood-curdling tales of the way travelers
were robbed and murdered for their money or
belongings. As I had all my stock with me I
felt very nervous. I did not know that all this
was what they called 'Joshing green horns.' So
by the time we reached Murphy's I was scared all
the way through.
"We reached there just at sundown, and as
soon as supper was over I went to my room
and to bed. I was very tired. This room was
partitioned off with redwood boards and was not
even papered. There was just room for a narrow
bed, a small stand and one chair. I put all my
things under the bed, but I lay awake a long time,
on account of strange mutterings and moans and
cries in one of the rooms. But at last I fell
asleep.
“I must now tell you what I learned afterward
regarding the affair. I was an Englishman, small
in size, and my hair was red and very curly.
There was in this town another English jeweler,
small and with curling red hair. He had had


156
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
1
typhoid fever for several days and it was his de-
lirious moans I heard.
“All the miners of this place gathered every
evening at the barroom of this hotel, at the time
of which I speak, to pass the time and play cards.
Sometimes they remained until morning. The
driver of the coach was an enormous man, strong
as an ox, and as good-natured. He was a regular
fanatic about the game they call poker, and they
say he would play forty-eight hours on a stretch.
They tell a story about how he and another poker
fiend kept on playing once till their cards began
to smoke before they knew the place was on
fire.
"Seeing that this driver was settled for the
night the hotel keeper asked him if he would do
something for him. 'Certainly, what is it?' The
?
other replied that the little English jeweler was
very sick, and that he was worn out taking care of
him. So he asked the driver to give the sick man
his medicine at exactly three o'clock. The driver
was always willing to do anyone a good turn,
and asked about the dose, and how to prepare it,
saying at the same time that the little English-
man must have been taken very suddenly. The
landlord replied that he had indeed and was
scarcely expected to pull through, and that all
depended on his getting his medicine regularly.
>
1
+


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
157
'And, he will tell you that he isn't sick, and don't
want any medicine, and all that, but you must
make him take it.'
“ All right,' replied the driver, ‘I'll see that he
takes it. You go to bed.' They played and
smoked until three o'clock, and then the big driver
mixed up the draught in a big spoon, and taking
a candle he came up the stairs. He forgot about
the other Englishman, and asked the porter where
the little Englishman was that had come up that
day. The sleepy porter told him where my room
was. Now I can tell the rest from my own knowl-
edge. I was suddenly aroused from my sleep to
see an enormous form standing beside my bed,
outlined by the flickering candle on the stand, and
naturally my first thought was that I was about
to be robbed and murdered, perhaps murdered
first. I called out to know who it was and the big
figure said:
“'You keep still now, and don't get excited.
No one is going to hurt you, so just take this
now, and then lie down and go to sleep. It won't
hurt you.'
"I was sure now that I was going to be drugged
into insensibility and I told him that I would take
nothing. He said:
“'Now don't you fash yourself, but take this


158
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
1
1
1
medicine. It will do you good and is not bad to
take, all stirred up with molasses.'
“'But I won't touch it,' I cried; 'you want to
drug me and rob me. Get out of here.' As I said
that I pushed him away with all my strength, but
he just put his great hand around my neck and
jerked me up in bed, saying:
“Ah, I knew you would say that. Now come
on and no more nonsense.' With that he jammed
the spoon down my throat and choked me with
the other hand so that I had to swallow or stran-
gle. So I took his dose, and he let me go, and
laid me down in bed again like a baby, but I think
I fainted, for I knew nothing more until the day-
light was streaming in the window. I found all
my things untouched, but I felt awfully ill, and
could scarcely get up. But I determined to leave,
if they would let me, as soon as I could get away.
When I did get down stairs everybody had heard
of the affair and they began to make fun of me.
I took passage back to Stockton, but I felt very
queer. I took cold and died in about six weeks,
and the other Englishman got well. The shock
and the awful dose combined with the cold I took
finished me up. What made me the maddest of all
was that the doctor I had in Stockton was some
kind of a foreigner, and he could not write Eng-
1


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
159
lish. So, my death was written down as having
been caused by 'Gallumpin consumpsin'."
The whole assemblage of ghosts who were lis-
tening to this tale of woe agreed that death some-
times has sharper stings than we know.
The ghosts with whom the newspaper man had
been talking before this interruption now gath-
ered around him again and he thought that prob-
ably now was his chance to learn something of the
question so often mentioned of “getting the pass-
posts.” That there was to be a move onward
toward some desired goal he felt sure and at the
risk of seeming importunate he asked of the near-
est one:
“Sir, is it permitted you to give me any infor-
mation regarding the next move onward, or up-
ward, or whatever you call it, or what you mean
when you speak of your passports ? I need not
tell you how much I desire to understand this.”
“My dear sir, you know as much about it as
we do. We all dread it while we still desire it
sincerely. We dread it because we do not know
what it will be, but on the other hand we wish the
change, hoping that it will be a step toward bet-
ter things. There are some reasons of which we
prefer not to speak, why we would welcome a
change. Anyone who pretends to know more than
this is a liar. You see we use strong words down
a


160
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
here, for truth is a fundamental principle of life
after death, and we are trying to practice it.”
“And you might add," said one of the ghosts
who had been talking when the man told of his
sudden taking off and his grievance against the
undertaker. "You might add that no spirit would
or could harm anyone, for in the first place he has
not the power, and secondly he thinks more of try-
ing to undo the evil he did in lifetime than to
do more."
"Just one thing more I should like to ask, and
that is if there is ever any kind of religious serv-
ice or observance down here?”
The
newspaper man was growing bolder as he
became better acquainted with the ghosts, and had
the welcome assurance that they would not harm
him.
“There is no religion as you have been taught
to consider it in any of the underground places,"
replied the ghost. “It will surprise some of the
preachers when they come down to learn even the
little we know. They preach one thing, but when
they get here they will find that truth in all things,
love to your neighbor, and charity to all is all that
is required of us, and I believe all that is essential
to give us a chance to work out our own salva-
tion.”
"And for punishment? Is there a hell as we



They had evidently found the buffet.—Page 166.


|


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
161
have been taught? And, what must we do to be
saved ? Must we join some church, and if so what
one?”
"All churches lead to one goal. As it is, the
One who created us has given us all a chance to
work out our own salvation after we are dead.
We can go on being ghosts, which means unre-
deemed souls for a few million years and redeem
ourselves. But it is hard—very hard-to overcome
our sins and weaknesses. As near as I can make
it out there is a constant advance toward perfec-
tion in everything. It began uncounted millions
of years ago, and will continue to all eternity.
Evolution, the survival of the fittest, and all those
things have truth for foundation, though the men
who have been the ones to advance those theories
have but the faintest glimmering of the truth. But
I think from all I have seen and heard that Hell
is that period of our existence while we are still
chained to existence, obliged to know all that
goes on without power to hinder or help. I used
to preach other theology when I was a bishop,
but I see things now with my spiritual instead of
earthly eyes. I think I may say that this short
life as men and women, is frought with more
meaning than any of our previous existences in
different forms—for in this life we have been
pretty nearly free agents—and a pretty mess we


162
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
)
have made of it all. We shall have a chance to
progress to higher-meaning better-conditions
when we shall be sufficiently purified, or at least I
hope so."
“And, is there no special punishment, like fry-
ing in a cauldron of boiling pitch and things
like that?” asked the young man somewhat
anxiously, thinking at the same time of Dante's
Inferno, which he had just been reading.
"No, but there are such things as moral suffer-
ing, and one thing came to my knowledge to-day.
This is what one might call poetic justice, and it
would be comic if it were not so tragic. It is
this; all the women who have deliberately and
with intention shirked the cares of maternity while
alive, are obliged to take care of the children of
the poor overworked women whose quivers were
full of them on earth. There is a kind of heav-
enly kindergarten, but the labors of these nurses
and teachers are quite as hard as were those of
the poor mothers, and the unaccustomed and often
unpleasant labor is enough to make any poor rich
woman shed tears of rage and worry—that is, if
it were a possible thing for a ghost to cry-for
the source of their tears is dried up forever. I
heard one woman say that she would give one
million years of heaven if she could only have one
good cry.”


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
163
"So then there is none of that weeping and
wailing and gnashing of teeth that we read about
and have dinned into our ears ever since we could
hear, and long before we could understood ?”
“No; but don't think that you can do wrong
with impunity. Lex talionis, is the law, and it is
always enforced in one way or another. But, we
are here to-night to enjoy ourselves as well as
the nature of the occasion will permit. Each has
full permission to follow his or her own inclina-
tions, and-well—some of them seem to forget
that they are adding to their own term of deten-
tion. We have been talking on subjects usually
avoided by people on pleasure bent, and I should
not have said so much only that I hope it may do
some good directly or indirectly. The music will
soon begin to play for those who wish to dance,
and after that we shall have a short convention,
where some important questions will be discussed
with a view to interest the living public in our
needs and complaints."
"Before you leave me," said the young man
hurriedly, "I beg you to tell me where the chil-
dren are.
I have not seen one, and I know that
there are many buried right here and others in
St. Paul's, and in all other cemeteries in the city.”
“Children are never put under the same condi-
tions as ours, and they are taken at once to an


164
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
intermediate place and classed off, according to
their ages, and they are happy in their own way.
They are not allowed to remember anything
about their previous existence. They are never
enlightened as to the world and its miseries, and
no one knows that it had parents or pain. They
are all equal, and all are ignorant of sin or its
punishment. They always remain little children.
In short, all and every one who has not yet
reached a state of sinlessness must pass through
eriod of purification, which I may say is purely
mental, and only the Master knows how long or
short it will be. Some that we thought would
have to stay millions of years underground have
all gone on long ago. Others who bore the very
odor of sanctity are here yet. The Master has
given every one a chance to save himself, each
after his kind. I could never understand, even
when I was officiating as bishop, how it was that
such a comparatively small number of persons
were to be saved from perdition, and I could not
feel that a loving Father and our Creator could
have left countless billions to die unredeemed, and
then send them to that terrible hell for not know-
ing something which He had made it impossible
for them to know. I used to wonder then, I do
not now.”
>


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
165
“Will you tell me? I suppose you mean the
Heathen."
"Yes; I mean the Heathen, at home and in far
lands. Ah, my young friend, we all try to find a
short cut to heaven. I can only say love your
neighbor, tell the truth, think only pure thoughts,
and trust the rest to the Master. He created
us all, the Jew and the Gentile, the Heathen and
those calling themselves Christians. They are all
alike to Him.
"Do you not see that a merciful Father, loving
his own creation could not condemn them to ever-
lasting tortures for not believing something that
he himself had made it impossible for them to
know? You must follow the same road, and work
for your passport to the next place or phase
of existence, which we all hope will be better, but
of which we are as ignorant as you."
At this moment there was a faint and tremu-
lous sound, indescribably sweet, and no one could
have told from whence it came, but it grew in
volume, and in a few minutes it had swelled louder
and began to throb with the strange thrill that
makes dance music so enlivening. As soon as
the music was well under way it seemed to be the
signal for every one to begin to talk. The noise was
deafening, and the young man wondered how just
ghosts could make so much confusion. He noticed
a


166
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
three men who had evidently found the buffet, and
they had evidently made the most of their find,
for they would have been considered drunk in
any other place. They were inclined to be noisy
and quarrelsome, and the young visitor feared
they would pick him out for punishment, but they
seemed to ignore his presence. The bishop who
had been talking to him said:
“You see that we are still full of the leaven of
unrighteousness. Ah; there goes the most un-
sociable ghost I ever saw.
He will never get
away from here at that rate. He thinks he is just
the biggest frog in the pond. Nobody likes him,
That tall man over near him is next to him the
most disagreeable ghost here. He is so swelled
up with his own importance that he is looking
with a candle for insults to his dignity. But,
deary me! Here am I, a bishop too, gossiping
like an old woman. I could be in better business,
but some folks think they are the whole bunch.
I heard that expression once-in fact, recently-
and it struck me as being so forcible that-ah,
me; I am forced to admit that a bishop is no more
when he gets before the Master than any other
man. And if he has not been better than the most
of them he gets the same treatment. I used to
think I was some value to the world, but bishops
are nothing more or less than men down here. It


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
167
has taken over two hundred years to make me
admit that much. I used to stand among other
men and take their reverential words as my just
due, and when we were at the banqueting board
I took the best of everything as my right indis-
putable and just. Now I take what I can get and
must be content, for, as I said, all that has passed
away. You see, we have outgrown preachers
down here, and I often wonder why we ever had
them. To change the subject, what are your im-
pressions of what you see here to-night?
"It would be impossible to define them, for I see
so much that put all my preconceived notions to
flight that it will take long before I can really
understand them myself. I am sure that I shall
profit by your discourse,” answered the reporter,
earnestly, for the bishop's conversation did give
him food for reflection.
Very opportunely one of the ghosts who had
visited the buffet too often got into a wrangle,
and no one knew how it happened but the young
stranger, and he kept a discreet silence, for it was
not his quarrel anyhow, but he had heard one
ghost say to another:
"I notice that your name is obliterated"
He got no further, for the other doubled up his
fists and cried indignantly;


168
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
>
"You're a liar! My name is Jones, and don't
you forget it.”
The first speaker was ready for a fight, but the
other ghosts surrounded them and tried to per-
suade Jones that the offending word was intended
for a compliment, and begged him to overlook it,
so finally they shook hands and sat down in a
corner and promptly went to sleep.
The music now struck up a grand march and
the ghosts formed in couples and marched to the
music, and in perfect unison. The procession
appeared interminable. The ghosts floated rather
than walked. It seemed as if millions passed
along.
The people in the procession were about as well
assorted as one finds them in all marches, some
being tall with short partners, and vice versa.
Some walked smoothly and with a certain degree
of dignity while others tried to take fancy steps
reminding him of a cake walk. Four persons
there were who did not join in the march, a young
lady ghost, a tall man, the Egyptian princess and
the newspaper man.
The young lady referred to had a timid and
bashful air, and the man a gloomy bend of the
head and a morose crossing of the arms over his
bony chest, while the Egyptian was so enveloped
in her wrappings that she would have found loco-
a


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
169
motion difficult. Besides she was seated to watch
the proceedings. She rather liked being set up
there, as something more and better than the rest,
and she was not blind to the fact that all the other
women were as jealous of her as they could be.
The newspaper man resumed his interrupted
journey toward her, keeping carefully out of the
way of the dancers, until he approached the
princess, and with a profound bow began a con-
versation with her. He was not quite sure of the
proper way to address her, as she was a princess,
of no one knew what dynasty. And, a ghost
besides. So, he naturally felt a little timid, but
as she seemed to smile affably he began, at the
same time taking out his note book and pencil
from force of habit. Then he remembered where
he was and hastily hid them again, and thanked
his stars that no one had seen them, and recklessly
said:
“Oh, most noble and highly exalted princess,"
here he stuck fast and did not know how to con-
tinue, but she deigned to smile on him. Indeed she
had to smile for the embalmer who had made a
mummy of her had fixed that charming smile on
her lips with coal tar or whatever it was that they
used for the purpose. But, whatever it was it
served its purpose, and the princess smiled.
"Approach, young man” she said gently. He


170
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
drew near and took hold of the bony but small
and well shaped hand and was about to give it
a hearty shake, but he remembered in time that
it was the custom to kiss the hands of sovereigns,
and he was not sure enough of her rank to take
any chances, so he thought it better to make the
mistake on the right side. So he knelt and kissed
the hand held out to him, while his hair stood on
end at that cold and stony contact. He wondered
if in some occult way he had not bound himself
to her through eternity. She broke the charm by
saying in a voice as sweet as any one could wish
to hear:
"Sir, be good enough to tell me in what way I
can serve you, for I see question in your eyes
and desire in your heart?"
"
This did not reassure him, for he did not half
like the idea that all his thoughts were so evident,
but he tried to do the best he could under the
circumstance by saying lamely:
"Most noble of princesses, I will not try to dis-
guise from your highness that I should be most
grateful if you would tell me something about
your illustrious self and how you came to this
country and anything you may have seen in your
long pilgrimage. Your highness must have seen
many things that the world would like to know,
The master of ceremonies said that you are more


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
171
than five thousand years old, yet I find you young
and beautiful” Here the reporter stopped and
strangled, for he happened to remember that she
could read his thoughts, and he had said in his
mind, “Now we shall see how long a woman re-
mains susceptible to flattery," and the cold sweat
broke out on his forehead, but she only smiled
more graciously than before, and said:
“I now perceive that you are not one of those
vulgar curiosity seekers like those who tore me
from my tomb, where I had hoped to sleep until
my summons came. There is very little to tell.
I have seen but about four thousand and nine
hundred and fifty years, so I am not so old by
considerable as that gentleman said, and doubtless
in good faith. But, I have seen nations, races
and armies melt away so that no trace of their
existence remains, no stone of their habitations is
seen above ground, and I have seen lands change
their boundaries and the new rise up out of the
old. Kings and queens have become dust and
buried so deep in it that no one can tell where
they were. Yes; I have seen so much that it
would require a lifetime to tell you the half.”
“Ah, did your highness ever see Cleopatra ?
She has always been a prominent figure in Egyp-
tian history-and-she has been much discussed.


172
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
1
I should like to know something of her from a
contemporary.”
“Oh,” she replied stiffly, “I scarcely know to
which Cleopatra you refer. There were several
of them, but I suppose you refer to she who
reigned last and was the cause of the overthrow
of the nation, and who killed herself with an asp."
“Yes, your highness, that is the one,” replied
the young man eagerly.
"Well, in the first place, that queen is entirely
too modern, and she reigned something like three
or four hundred years before the Christian era,
while I came from the family of one of the first
of the real Egyptian sovereigns. She was not
even Egyptian, being only of Greek origin. We
did not recognize her when she died and she was
not even mummified, for the Romans would not
have allowed it, and so no one ever knew what
ever really became of her body. It did not inter-
est us, as she was an upstart who had brought all
sorts of evils upon my country. She is doubtless
dust and ashes two thousand years ago. She was
greatly overrated, and was nowhere near so beau-
tiful as she has been considered. I belonged to
the first dynasty, though there had been many
kings and queens before me. My tomb was like
those of the first royal ladies of my line. I had
never been married-nor had I reigned, so accord-


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
173
ing to usage, my tomb and sarcophagus were
plain, save for the paintings on them to tell who
I was.
One day some vandals came and rifled
my tomb and took my mummy case, and brought
it to this country and put me in the museum in a
glass case, and you have no idea how angry it
makes me to have to squeeze out. May the jack-
als eat their bones, and leave no two of them to-
gether, so they will never find them in this world
or the other and may wild beasts tear their chil-
dren, and leave the mothers desolate, and raze
their dwellings, and may their babes starve to
death, and may they all die crying for water—"
How much longer this would have continued
the newspaper man did not know, but he began
to feel most uncomfortable, for one of these very
collectors of mummies was his own father, and
if he had not brought his particular one he had
brought two others. He began to want to go
home, but he tried to look sympathetic, and as if
he had never heard of such terrible things as
stealing mummies before. She continued:
"Yes; I am lady Shep, and when I was mummi-
fied these lines were put upon my case.
Not
everybody knows about them, but I will tell you.
First, there was a line of text, and this is what it
says:
'Royal offering of Osiris Unifer (the good


174
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
being), great lord god of Abydos, may he give
every good thing, libations to the Ka (Double)
of the Orisis, the lady of the house, the honorable
Shep (justified).' This means that I lay a day
and a night in the underground temple in the
arms of Memnon, and all the good deeds I had
done were weighed, and when they were found to
be more than the evil ones I was justified. On
the other side was this inscription: 'The worthy
mistress and daughter of Ru-ru, Justified; her
mother was the lady of the house, Tarerust, Justi-
fied, and worthy. On the left is another with the
goddess Maat, and there are other gods and god-
desses, all saying that Shep, the lady of the house,
is justified and worthy of a place among the illus-
trious dead. We did not have to go under the
same peculiar conditions as do you who have a
different way of burial and belief. Perhaps be-
cause our bodies are made imperishable we come
under another division. I cannot tell, but this I
know, I slept peacefully when I should and did
no harm when I came out at the command, and
then the explorers as they call them, came and
took me from my country so far away that I shall
never see it more."
“Is there no way by which you could go back ?"
”
asked the young man, touched by her sorrow.
“No; for the scientific men would never let me


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
175
go. Because my mummy case is the best one they
have, and I am told that men of science have no
honor and no feeling where it concerns the
despoiling of tombs, whether they be of our peo-
ple, or the red Indians who have built mounds or
the Mexicans, or the old Peruvians. And, be-
sides, we ghosts cannot cross the ocean in spirit
form unless our bones go too.”
“May I ask why?” questioned the young man,
really distressed by what he heard, and now un-
derstood as he could not have done a day, even
a few hours before.
"Because the spirit is an essence, and the cold
of the water chills it, and renders it powerless to
float, and so I can never behold the dear country
of my birth again."
“What if I stole your mummy from the mu-
seum and took it back to Egypt?" said the young
man, carried away by sympathy.
“We have often talked of just such a con-
tingency nights up there, and we all agreed that if
ever we did find any one who was willing to try,
he might be beheaded after unheard-of tortures
by the authorities of the museum, but if one could
succeed we would make him the richest man in
the world. We know many secrets. What
if I told you that I know where the kings
of the first and second dynasties got their


176
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
>
gold and precious stones? I know where
I
kings of the second dynasty got emeralds in such
profusion that we scarcely cared for them. I
was dead then, but I suppose that a woman never
quite loses her interest in gems. I could take you
to a place where you could get all the finest emer-
alds that you could carry."
This particularly appealed to him as the emer-
ald was his birth stone, according to the astrolo-
gers, and besides he liked them better than any
other. He remembered also that emeralds were
the fashionable stones for the time, and that a fine
emerald was worth more than a diamond of the
same size. Therefore he was impressed.
He asked her when he could see her again and
she answered that it must be just one whole year
before she could come out of her sarcophagus in
visible form, and when he wanted to try to com-
municate with her spirit she told him that such
a things was impossible, and had never been
done by any spirit that ever floated. But he could
come to the museum year from then and man-
age somehow to stay in the building over night,
and they could them discuss the situation, and
see if some way could not be found by which she
could be returned to her country. The young
man thought if he could manage to get enough of
this wealth of jewels to handle he could find some



The dance and cake walk.–Page 178.


1
1


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
177
way to buy up the attendants. But he felt deli-
cate about speaking of such a plan, for fear she
would not understand that he didn't dare any-
thing so dangerous without having money enough
to silence all scruples of the night watchmen. He
also thought to himself that probably no other
man living had ever made two appointments like
the two had made this night; one to bring the
good natured ghost a bottle of rum and a pack-
age of tobacco, and another with a mummy in a
museum to make arrangements to steal her and
carry her back to Egypt. It was enough to make
one's hair stand on end. He thought he might be
able to fix it with the ghost so that he could de-
posit the things in some safe place, because he
felt that the affair with the princess was the more
important. He was about to discuss the plan
more fully when the grand march ended and the
floor manager shouted:
"There will now be given a selection of the
newest songs, such as are sung in the theaters
above ground. You are requested to listen quiet-
ly, or if you must talk let it be in whispers, for
it is very disconcerting for a singer to be inter-
rupted by conversation during the time he is try-
ing to amuse you.”
The invisible band began to play and a man
stepped out in the middle of the floor, while all


178
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
the others formed a circle around him. They
were so many that no one could have counted
them, and all kept an expectant attitude, so that
the words just uttered seemed quite unnecessary.
As the music continued he was astonished to find
that it was a rag-time dance and "coon song”
combined just as he had seen only a few days
ago in one of the theaters. As the man sang
this the whole assembly took it quite seriously
and applauded him with the rhythmic regularity
of a theatrical claque, and then the same ghost
bowed with a certain grace and to a persistent
encore he stepped forward and began a cake
walk, accompanied by a song about kissing your
baby. The whole thing was so ludicrous that he
nearly had a fit in trying not to laugh. He dared
not give way to mirth, for they all seemed to take
the matter so seriously that he was not sure as to
what might happen to him. The princess was
quite amused by this song and dance, and after
the applause was over he asked her if she would
like to dance, and she replied that none but slaves
danced in her country, and they did so simply to
amuse their owners. He was still under the
stimulous of suppressed laughter and regarded
the invitation as a good joke, but he would have
changed his mind if she had not said sweetly:


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
179
“Of course you could not know it, but prin
cesses could not so demean themselves.”
"I beg your most noble highness to pardon my
ignorance. I will not offend again." Then to
change the subject he said hastily: "I saw some
Egyptians dance at Chicago, at the exposition,
and also at Buffalo, and I suppose the slaves
danced much like that in your day. They say that
customs change little in those old places—that is
-ah-in regard to such pastimes—” stam-
mered the young man suddenly conscious that
her painted eyes were flashing fire. She said
haughtily:
“Do you refer to the dance called couchee-
couchee? If you do, I will say that any slave
that tried that on us of the old times would be
short on heads so soon that she would not know
what had happened to her.” Then in a tone of
disgust, she continued as if to herself:
"Now wouldn't that rock you to sleep?"
The manner in which this was said left no
doubt in the mind of the young man that he had
made a mistake, and he tried to pull himself to-
gether and said lamely:
“How did your illustrious highness learn to
speak English so well? Why, you even seem to
? ,
have learned our idioms."
"I have not lain in that museum so long for


180
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
a
nothing, and all day and everyday there are men
and women sitting around and snooping into
things that do not concern them in the least. I
cannot help hearing them, and their English is
more remarkable for force than elegance, as you
doubtless know. Now, in my time there was no
difference between the language of the people and
the slaves. We had a shorter vocabulary, and its
very simplicity has made it possible for those who
like to study into these things to read it.
“We were satisfied with what we had, but it
seems to me that you are always seeking after
new expressions, and I must say that I think our
way was best. Yet, I find myself contaminated
by the ungrammatical conversation of the throngs
who frequent the place where I must stay. But
unpleasant as that is, it is as nothing beside the
conversation of the people who think they know
it all, and their ignorance about things only six
or seven thousand years ago is awful. To hear
them flounder along and try to learn from what
they see is bad enough, but nothing beside hear-
ing those who think they know it all try to en-
lighten others. We can excuse one who is really
ignorant and makes no secret of it, but the glib
fellows who go on and talk of dynasties and Pha-
raohs—why they don't know the difference be-
tween a Pharaoh and a Sardanapalous. And,


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
181
they, like everybody else, think that Cleopatra was
the only queen in Egypt, and she was, as I said,
so painfully modern. It is now too late to talk
much and so I will say good-bye until next year.
And do not forget that my mummy case is in the
main aisle, near the archway leading to the sec-
ond room.
You cannot miss it, besides I will be
there waiting for you. We can talk at our ease,
and I do hope that some way can be devised by
which I can be taken back to Egypt. Ah, dear
Egypt, where rain and thunder come not and
snow and ice are unknown.”
“I will certainly be there if I am alive, and-
beshrew mem(this sounded like the sort of thing
one ought to say to a princess)-if I don't find
some way to get you back to Egypt once more.”
Then bowing to the princess he withdrew to
make place for a man who had been standing there
some time waiting to approach her.
"I wonder what has become of the Sociable
Ghost ?” thought the young man. He looked
around, and seeing so many ghosts, and no sign
of his friend, he suddenly felt himself grow
very uneasy. What if he could not find his way
out of this place? But his heart beat a little more
regularly as the floor manager shouted loudly:
"Ladies and Gentlemen : We are about to be
specially favored by hearing a song composed and


182
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
sung by our friend, Capt.
He assures
us that no one else has ever heard it, as he used
to sing it only at night when at sea during storms.
I have the honor—Captain
Here the floor manager bowed and retired. The
Captain proved to be the ghost who had brought
the young man down here, and he took his place
while the invisible music burst forth with a strong
rush of sound that reminded the young man of the
winds and waves in a storm at sea. The ghost
began in a deep bass voice:
"With a hey and a ho for the white sea horses,
Plunging and tossing on ocean's crest;
With á hey and a ho for the warning they give us,
The sailor's heart sinks low in his breast.
They fight fierce battles there in the water,
Till the surface is covered white with foam,
The waters toss and are churned to lather
That touches the edge of heaven's dome.
Deep in the depths the shadows thicken,
As gather the sharks from down below,
And high in the heavens the storm clouds hover,
As prancing fiercely the white horses go.
Then in the black darkness we hark to the breakers,
Dashing upon the bleak rocks their foam,
Beaten to froth by the white sea horses,
And none of the sailors reaches his home."


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
183
a
As this song was finished there was a regular
salvo of applause, and in more ways than one, for
the clapping of the fleshless hands was like the
cracking of musketry. The ghost seemed to be
pleased by the evident appreciation of his efforts,
and sauntered over to the young man who ex-
pressed his pleasure so warmly that even an opera
singer would have felt satisfied with such ap-
probation and he requested permission to copy
down the song, for sung in a grand and sonorous
basso it had seemed to be a fine one.
When the last few desultory claps of applause
at this song had died away the floor manager
called out:
“Take your partners for a quadrille.”
In a minute there was such a bustle that the
newspaper man could scarcely hear himself think,
but soon the sets were formed, and the whole im-
mense place was filled with dancers, all in sets for
quadrille. The music changed at the right mo-
ment, and the floor manager called out in stento-
rian tones :
"Salute your partners.” And they all bowed
in the regulation manner. Considering the almost
universal poverty of wearing apparel, the ghosts
danced and made graceful appearance. There
was scarcely enough cloth in good condition to
have made a dress, but that fact did not seem to


184
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
strike them as worth consideration. The man-
ager cried:
“First two forward and back, cross over, bal-
ance to your partner, back to your place, all
promenade.” Continuing he led them through all
the mazes of what he called allemand right, alle-
mand left, all sashay, and so on until the whole
was finished.
All the ghosts appeared to enjoy the free move-
ment of the dance and to them it mattered little
if the usual attire for such functions was con-
spicuous by its absence. The young man thought
that as they had ghostly food and drink, furniture
and decorations, perhaps they imagined their
clothes as well. Then he suddenly remembered
those tables. It struck him as curious that they
had come and disappeared like things in some
fairy tale.
As he watched the dancers, who were now
waltzing, he thought of a curious experience that
had happened to him a year ago. He had a ticket
to go to Albany on the day boat, and he thought
it would be a pleasant trip and a rest, for he had
been working unusually hard for a fortnight. He
had never made this trip and thought he would
enjoy the beauties of the scenery, and incidentally.
repose his mind.
The night before he was to make this trip he


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
185
had a most vivid dream. He thought he was in
a primeval forest and saw huge misshapen mon-
sters, great prehistoric creatures, whose bones
only now tell of their existence. Among them he
saw a monstrous elephant covered with hair, and
with immense tusks curved like those found
among the eternal glaciers in far off lands. There
were other strange animals and giants. As he
went along he heard in one place swishing like
that of silks swirling in the dance, and a soft
rhythmic sound, but nothing could he see until he
suddenly turned a corner, and there was a room
with hundreds of men and women dancing, but
they all seemed to him to be dead. He turned to
find some one who could explain this strange
thing, but no one was near, and when he turned to
look at them again they had all disappeared and
an enormous gorilla stood in the place where they
had been.
Then he awoke, and attended to his business of
getting ready, and at the last moment hurried
down to the boat. After the manner of busy men
he reached there just as the bell was ringing,
and when he went to hand in his ticket, he remem-
bered that he had left it on the bureau, safely
folded in a clean handkerchief. He said a word
or two in appreciation of the situation, and then
said to himself that since he could not go to Al-


186
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
bany he would go to Rockaway. He had never
been there, though it was so near by. The boat
was just ready to start and the price for a round
trip ticket but fifty cents.
The sail down was uneventful, and as it was a
week day and near the close of the season, he
found very little to interest him there, so when
he came to a museum, such as flourish at places
like that, he decided to enter there to while away
the time until the boat was ready to sail. As he
entered the door, he saw the primeval forest of his
dream, and every monster he found in just the
same position. He thought he was living in the
days long before man had entered into the history
of the world. Wondering at this dream which
had so curiously "come out,” he suddenly found
himself at the same place of which he had
dreamed, where he had seen the dead folks danc-
ing. He heard the same soft whish of silk, and
the same subdued murmer and there were marion-
ettes, hundreds of them all strung on invisible
wires, and all dancing around in a mad revel that
had something uncanny about it, particularly when
taken in with the singular dream as a background.
Now he was down under Trinity Church look-
ing at a revel far stranger, and he began to won-
der if he were not a medium in spite of what the
ghosts told him. He know that the first experi-


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
187
see
ence was true, and he did not doubt that this one
was equally so, and he thought that from now on
he would take up the study of the unknowable and
make an exhaustive research into all things rela-
five to ghosts. Once before he had had a seri-
ous intention of writing a book on the subject of
ghosts, authentic ones, but when he tried to get
the matter together he found that the nearest he
could come to what he wished to find was, that
no one person not an avowed spiritualist, would
admit having seen a real ghost, but nearly all knew
of some one whose aunt or grandmother had
heard of some one whose friends had thought they
did
one. So he gave up that plan,
but now he thought he might get notes
enough to make book the subject,
but then he might be injuring his plans
regarding the princess. He compromised with
himself by saying that if his plan for her deliver-
ance failed he could then give the necessary time
to the book. He regretted that he had not got his
kodak along. What a chance it would have been
to get that line of ghosts as they marched by,
and what would he not have given for a snap shot
at that "coon dance.”
After the waltz the company broke up into
groups and talked or promenaded around in cou-
ples, and it was a sight to remember forever to
a
on
a


188
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
see the young lady ghosts as they walked or hung
their heads and tried to look conscious at some ten-
der compliment. The ghosts really had something
of the semblance of life about them, for though
they had no features left, nor eyes, there was some
kind of inner light and a radiance which took the
place of flesh. It was as though the soul had
shed a soft light of its own over the fleshless skull
and lent it something of its former appearance,
and the thought came to him that perhaps these
ghosts only saw the spiritual part of each other
and just as he decided that such must be the case,
as nothing else would acount for so much that was
otherwise unaccountable, there happened some-
thing to put all such ideas to flight, for the three
ghosts who had looked upon the wine when it
was red, seemed to have awakened under the im-
pression that they were being neglected, and
started a row, and began hitting out at any one
in reach, be it man or woman, and so unexpected
was the assault that the skeletons went down in
heaps and lay there like so much new mown
wheat.
The whole thing was so ludicrous that the news-
paper man thought he must laugh or die. But
he had been schooled not to laugh at the foolish-
ness of others. That training stood him in good
stead now, and he did keep his face straight by


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
189
promising himself the luxury of a laugh the next
day.
This control over his risibilities saved him from
disaster when interviewing a great society woman
one day. She told him that she could never bear to
have any publicity, and really felt that the privacy
of her home was sacred to her, and nothing about
it ought ever to be put into any paper, while at
that very moment he had her letter to his chief
in his pocket, asking that a reporter should be sent
to write a description of her house, which was one
of the finest on Fifth Avenue. Her very virtu-
ous indignation under the circumstances was so
refreshing that the young man had found it a
great and severe task to control his amusement,
and ever since that experience he had been prac-
ticing self-control. If there is one thing more than
another calculated to afford abundant practice in
this line it is being a society reporter.
So now he even refrained from clapping his
hands when the Sociable Ghost appeared with a
bound, in spite of his sore toe, which the young
man noticed was held up rigidly, notwithstanding
the activity of the rest of the bony body. He laid
the three flat with three well directed blows, and
set the beholder to wondering what he could have
done had he not been hampered by his trouble-
some foot.


190
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
>
When the three lay flat in a heap, he pushed
them over into a corner with his well foot and told
them to lie there and not to dare to move again
until he gave them leave. One of them had lost
one of his legs in the fracas, and began to howl
that he was all broken up. He begged some one
to pull him out and get his leg for him. The So-
ciable Ghost said, as he rubbed his bony hands
together:
“Say, oh, I say! This is fine! I have not had
so much fun since I died. It brings back old
times, and for one ineffable moment I thought
I was back on my ship again and lighting out with
a belaying pin at the mutineers. Oh, yes; I had
a mutiny to deal with about every six months. It
was fun. Danger? No, for the Captain always
holds all the trump cards, and I was always ready
to play them. By George, I was! And this
brings it all back to me. Oh, I say; I must show
you something a little out of the usual order. It
is my wife's second husband. He is among the
ghosts invited here from Derby, and I think it was
a little cheeky for him to come here, don't you?”
"What are you going to do to him?" asked the
young man with some natural curiosity.
“I am going to do just nothing to him. The
poor chap has had troubles of his own with her
enough to balance any ill will I might have had.


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
191
Now, my wife was, or rather is, for she is not
dead yet, the kind of woman that what she wants
goes, whether you want it to go or not. I was
captain on board my ship, but she was the cap-
tain at home, and I was crew and cabin boy.com-
bined. Maybe I was a bit breezy toward my men
when I got to sea again after a month or so on
shore. Well; my wife had a portrait of me, and
about every half hour she used to hale my suc-
cessor up before it and tell the poor devil to look
at it and see a man and, what one looked like.
She dinned my virtues into his ears so much that
at last the poor wretch died in self-defense."
"And where is the lady now?" asked the young
man with interest.
"Somewhere in Boston, I believe. The last I
heard of her she was giving my money away to
the missionaries. I never had any use for mis-
sionaries, dead or alive. They come on board
your ship, and the best you have is not too good
for them, and they want to hold service every Sun-
day. I know a missionary as soon as I hear him
speak. They always say Sabbath for Sunday,
and babe for baby. There's lots of them down
here."
For once the newspaper man forgot his tact,
and said:
“I should think that you would have been glad
a


192
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
to have them hold service for the sailors. I have
heard that they are mostly amenable to religious
instruction and guidance."
"Yah! Just stow that. The sailors don't
want any of their salvation any more than the
Chinamen, and it don't do any more good. You
can't make a silk purse out of a pig's ear, and
sailors are nothing more than living machines
when they are on board ship. They are all right
aboard ship, but they are no good on land, and
whoever wants to do a good turn to a sailor wants
to see that he gets a ship as soon as the voyage
is
done. They need knocking down every day with
a marlinspike, and to get a taste of the rope's end
every ten minutes, to give them a good appetite so
they won't be forever grumbling about their
grub.”
The Captain might have continued indefinitely
had not a polka struck up, and all the ghosts be-
gun to dance again. The dance of the marionettes
came back to the young man's mind with insistant
force, but he tried to hide his amusement.
To keep out of the way of the dancers the
young man drew back and walked along close to
the wall, and as he did so he was suddenly struck
by the sight of a man stooping down so that he
could eat out of a dish on the buffet without
touching it with his hands. It was such a strange


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
193
sight that he could not help making a mental note
of it, and he really thought that he had not let the
ghost see his curiosity. But it was not so, for
the ghost turned and faced him and said sadly:
"Sir, I hope you will not think that my dis-
gusting action is done through ignorance, nor even
a lack of decency. I simply cannot eat any other
and I am very hungry. Owing to my affliction
I could not present myself at the table with the
others, and I thought that while all the others are
dancing, I could satisfy my hunger without being
noticed.”
The newspaper man felt that here was another
case of misery out of the ordinary, and he asked
the ghost to tell him his trouble, and if it was
anything that he could be of assistance in he
would be glad to do all in his power. The ghost
came to his rescue in a most unexpected manner,
by suddenly holding up two mutilated stumps of
arms. They had evidently been splintered off
between the elbows and shoulders. By no effort
could the poor fellow have been able to reach his
mouth with either stump had he tried.
The reporter understood at once and felt so sor-
ry for him that his usually ready tongue refused
to form a word. He thought that it was more
than probable that this accident had taken place in
the Revolutionary war, and then he thought that


194
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
that was too far away, and doubtless he must be
one of the heroes of the Civil War. But the ghost
as if answering a question, said:
“No, it was not in any war that my arms
were smashed like that. If you would be
so good as to help me get something to eat, I
will tell you about it later. You can cut up some
bread and meat and I must eat them right off the
dish, and drink the best I can. It is very humili-
ating but I must bear it."
The young man took of the different viands and
cut them into convenient pieces and then offered
to hand them on a fork. If ghosts could shed
tears of gratitude from their hollow eyes this one
would surely have wept, so much was he touched
by the action. He ate and drank with an excel-
lent appetite, and when he had all that he desired,
he said:
“Now, sir, I am at your disposal. I will tell
you why it is that I am reduced to this condition
and am obliged to eat like an animal. The story
began in life, and it was not until I had been down
here two years that this happened. I found an
enemy and he it was who made me this pitiable
object. The reason? Oh, I lived in New York
in a handsome house of my own in Sixty-fourth
Street, near the park on the East Side. I men-
tion this, as the proximity has something to do


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
195
with the story. That is, the big reservoir is there
and that causes a higher pressure of water in the
houses there than in almost any other part of the
city. I lived there in peace and contentment,
and was something of a savant. So you can see
that I am not altogether to blame for what fol-
lows. You know how all the houses are built, one
beside the other. On the West side of my house
was that of a man-well-we will call him Dinkle-
spiel. That was not his real name—but it is good
enough for him after the way he has treated me,
Yes; I will call him Dinklespiel. Well; his front
door was right beside mine. You could reach into
his hall way over the low stone division. The
next house on the East side was the whole width
of the house away. Now, if Mr. Dinklespiel had
lived in that house this would not have occurred,
"It so happened that our man who attended to
all these things for me was out in the country
getting the place in readiness for our annual fit-
ting, and there was no one to clean the sidewalk
and we had had coal in the day before. I admit
that it would have been better to hire a man as
my wife suggested, but somehow I felt like doing
it myself, and that is how the trouble began.”
Here the ghost appeared lost in reflection so the
young man asked what would have been better


196
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
left to a hired man. The ghost shook off his dis-
traction and resumed.
"Why, I got the garden hose-well-I got the
hose and washed down the sidewalk. I told you
about the high pressure, and that was the cause
of it all. I got the hose,—the hose--and dragged
it up from the cellar, and told the girl to go down
and turn the water on, when I whistled. This
hose was bought to protect us from fire as well as
to wash the sidewalk and water the grass in the
back yard, and it had a nozzle one inch in diame-
ter. It was a big hose, and when James took hold
of it I always noticed that his face grew red as
though he found it hard to hold. But I always
thought that it was his ignorance that made him
so afraid of it, and I was sure that I could manage
it all right and I even rather prided myself on the
showing I should make of the triumph of mind
over matter. I had never tried to manage a hose
before, and even now I should not, I think, have
had
any
trouble if there had been no hole in the
hose.
“I drew the hose up into the area way, and then
whistled, and the girl turned on the water. Why,
my dear sir, it nearly jerked me off my feet before
I knew what had happened to me, and I held the
nozzle straight up with both hands with all my


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
197
strength, and pointed the stream upward so that
I could get a little accustomed to it, and at the
same time wash down the front of the house.
Suddenly I heard a strange sound in the dining
room where my little boy was looking at me, and
saw that I had in some way for which I could not
account nearly drowned him. I heard him run
screaming up stairs to his mother, and then I
thought I would go up the front steps and play
on the second story windows, for it was summer
and everything was dusty. Once I had learned to
manipulate the hose, it was a delight. I had partial-
ly overcome my fear of it. Why, the violent stream
rushed out like steam from an overheated boiler.
It fairly screamed, the force was so great. Well,
I played on the windows and then on the whole
front of the house, and was enjoying my labor
when I became aware that the servant was calling
me from the area, and I bent over to hear her,
keeping firm hands on the powerful nozzle that
was twisting and trying to wriggle out of my
hands all the time. Just as she opened her mouth
-well—somehow she got very wet, and sat down
in the middle of the area, and I turned around so
that she should not think I was laughing at her
miserable plight. Anyhow I had done enough up
there and I intended to attack the dusty sidewalk,
when my wife came to the front door and opened


198
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
it unexpectedly just as I was in the act of turning,
and somehow she received the full force of the
stream right in the face and she went down like
a shot. No one could blame me if in the face of
this disaster I forgot and left the squirming hose
to work its will and tried to raise her.
“She did not wait for me, however, but told me
with a withering look to take that thing down
cellar at once. I tried to explain, but she shut the
door, and I started to obey her, but, sir, you could
scarcely believe me, but I had lost control of the
thing, and the more I tried to manage it the worse
it got, and at last I found that there was a hole
in the hose about a foot from the nozzle and that
was running in opposition to the nozzle. I
was wet to the skin, and the more I tried to get
down the steps the worse it wriggled and twisted
until I was at my wits' end to know what to do.
"At last I seemed to obtain a little command of
it and was in the act of turning around to come
down when I became conscious that there was a
hearse and two carriages drawn up in front of my
next neighbor's house, and before I could move
the door opened and six men came out bearing a
large coffin. I was struck dumb and almost blind,
and did not know what I was doing, and-well
--before I came to my senses every one of those
pall-bearers was wet through, and the force of the


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
199
water threw the flowers in every direction, and as
if this were not enough the vicious stream hit the
clergyman directly between the eyes and made him
fall backward, and that was the reason that a
number of people who had gathered to see a
funeral at that unusual hour laughed. I was actu-
ally paralyzed with the whole thing and stood
there helpless, trying to hold up the nozzle, not
knowing that it was pouring floods into the vesti-
bule of the dead man's house. Finally some one
came up the steps and took the wretched thing
away from me, and dragged it down to the area,
and I scarcely knew enough to go after it.
"I have often thought that scientific men are
not quite so well adapted to cope with the small
things of daily life as those more in touch with
mundane affairs. I was so distressed at my com-
plete failure to master so simple a thing as a hose,
and above all at the terrible disaster which had be-
fallen me in the involuntary disrespect to my
neighbor, that I was like a man dead.
"He had been away and died and was brought
home for burial, and that was why the funeral
was private and so early, for he was to be taken
quite a distance for interment.
"So you can conceive of my distress, particu-
larly as my wife did not feel willing to console me.
On the contrary, she said quite a number of things


200
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
which I am sure she would have left unsaid had
she reflected. And I had to get her a new frock and
one for the servant. After a while the neighborg
stopped asking me impertinent things about my
garden hose, and I was beginning to feel a little
better about it when I fell ill and died.
"My funeral was marked by decorum, and
everything passed off well. I was not sorry to
come here for I had studied a little of every-
thing else, and this being the unknowable held cer-
tain charms for me. I am of a philosophic nature,
and very adaptable, and soon became quite con-
tent here, for if there are some drawbacks, there
are some compensations too."
“What are they?” asked the reporter hastily,
and not remembering that he was departing from
his usual custom.
"Well, the greatest is-speaking generally, you
know-that you can do no more wrong, and that
you must progress, for nothing in nature can re-
trograde. We feel that we may advance in
the scale of the great plan, and that our powers
of evil are nul, so we can hope. We do not know
what we can hope for, but we are not hindered
from hoping that there is something to hope for.
But, the old desires, old frailties die hard and
slow. But, all that is not the story of my misery. .
I came down here, and for a long time had no


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
201
special trouble, and met in convention twice. I
tried to study out all I saw, until one night I saw
my neighbor whose funeral I had so unintention-
ally desecrated. He had been removed to another
cemetery nearer and so was here as a guest.
“As soon as he saw me he acted as if he had
been suddenly restored to all the vigor of life, and
its animosity, for he followed me around all the
evening until he found me in a corner studying the
sculpture on one of the pillars. He knocked me
down and jumped on me and kicked me until it is
a wonder how I have a whole bone left. I could
have tied any other bones on, but how could I tie
without hands? I am sure that if he had given me
the opportunity to explain how this unhappy affair
had come about he would feel sorry that he was so
rough. But he wouldn't listen and so he will
never know."
“Yes, he will,” said a voice right behind them,
and as the reporter and the armless ghost turned
together they saw another ghost, and he contin-
ued his unexpected conversation.
"I have heard your story, sir; and regret that
I was so violent. I was exasperated beyond meas-
ure, as I was always a great stickler for strict
decorum, and I was not to blame if I thought you
did that on purpose."
The armless ghost was so affected that he would


202
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
have fallen had not the other put his arms around
him, and the chances for a complete reconciliation
were so good that the reporter felt himself de trop
and silently slipped away.


CHAPTER VIII.
THE GRAND BALL, CONVENTION AND END OF IT ALL.
After the young man left the reunited friends
he strolled along a little, and saw a man whom
he had noticed two or three times on account of
his height and the gloomy bend of his head. He
stood with his arms crossed moodily over his
breast and the reporter thought that perhaps there
was some new phrase of misery indicated in this
morose and gloomy attitude. The newspaper
man edged along near him and bowing, said:
"This is a very pleasant reunion, is it not ?"
"This is your first visit here, is it not ?" an-
swered the ghost somewhat irrelevantly.
"It is,” replied he, thinking at the same time
that it should be his last.
“I suppose you are greatly amused,” said the
ghost, who, the young man now noticed, was
lame and limped painfully as he moved around
to keep out of the way of the dancers,
203


204
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
"Well, not exactly amused,” answered the
young man doubtfully.
“We will say entertained, then,” said the lame
ghost. “You may have noticed that I do not
dance, nor can I walk about like others. I do
not think I would make a good figure. I have a
misfit leg."
“I–1-beg your pardon,” stammered the
young man confused between curiosity and the
fear of wounding the sensibilities of the ghost.
"Just so," resumed the ghost. "A misfit leg
Indeed I think it belongs to that young lady
over there. But, as I see that she is provided
with another, and I can manage to walk with
this, I do not like to mortify her by mentioning
it. You must admit that it would be very un-
pleasant for the young lady in company, now
wouldn't it?"
“Would it be considered rude of me to ask how
so deplorable an accident occurred ?" asked the
reporter with much interest.
"Certainly not," replied the ghost with a
Chesterfieldian bow. "It was just this way. I Ι
was a Van Der Dam, and I have been dead a
long time. First I was buried in a little grave-
yard away down town, and all the dead were
moved from there to make place for the leather
trade warehouses, and we were taken to another


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
205
cemetery that was so far from the business sec-
tion that we thought we were to stay there for-
ever. But, in a few years we had to get up and
go on again. In a short time that land was
wanted for building purposes, and I was removed
again to another place so far out that it was
thought no one would ever require that land,
I am sure you have seen that place, for it was
where the old and well-liked Metropolitan Hotel
was afterwards built. And just to think! The
trustees of Trinity Corporation once had the of-
fer of a gift of six acres of land on the corner of
Canal Street and Broadway, and refused it, think-
ing the expense of fencing it too great, and that
it was so far from the city that it would cost
more for taxes than it was worth. What those
six acres are worth now must mount up to mil-
tions.
“It was swampy, and we were not so very com-
fortable in this place, and we were not sorry when
the order came to move us so they could build
the hotel, which is but a memory now, with a
big business house in its place. Many of my
friends lie in unsuspected spots about that neigh-
borhood yet.
"When the foundation for the hotel was dug
many of us were discovered, and they took the
banes and threw them into a cart in one big box,


206
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
and held an inquest over the lot, and carted them
away, and I do not know where they put them.
I was moved from there to another place right
in the heart of the retail dry goods district. We
were put in a Protestant cemetery and right op-
posite was an old Jewish graveyard. No money
consideration had ever been powerful enough to
get this spot, nor any other Jewish cemetery, for
business. Stores have been built up all around
it. A friend of mine lies right under a water
butt, for our graves were crowded as much as
possible. That is a very unpleasant location. You
must admit that."
The newspaper man did admit it, and con-
doled with the ghost, who kept his head bent
always in sign of hopeless sorrow. He con-
tinued:
"When the march of progress reached as high
as this place we had to get up again and go
further so that a street could be cut through. A
half brother of mine lost his head during the
confusion resulting from this removal, and has
never found it after that exodus. I suppose that
head and the other fellow's body must have got
together somehow, for my half brother found a
head, but it does not fit, and the mental calibre
cannot compare with that of my half brother."
"I should like to know, if it pleases you to tell


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
207
me, which portion of a person's anatomy is the
seat of the spirit or soul, or whatever you say
when you wish to designate the human intelli-
gence, and the spirit as I see it here to-night? I
can scarcely formulate my meaning, but it seems
to me that it is all that part of you that I see here
to-night, and that seems to have all the intelli-
gence of your living selves. Some of you appear
to have all your faculties, can eat and drink
and show a certain degree of physical force, and
I cannot understand anything about it. Now,
you mentioned the misfortune of your brother,
and I am at a loss to know which is the most of
him, his head that another wears, or the body
which bears a head not his own. Which, in short,
is your brother? The head without his body or.
his body without a head?”
“My dear sir, you raise a serious question
there, and one very difficult to answer. All I can
say is that I think my brother must be leading
what you call a double life. His body acts as
it always did, but there is a total lack of sequence
in his conversation. I fairly hate to hear him
speak. He is always declaring that the world is
coming to an end. Now, what does he or any
one know about the end of the world, when we
do not know anything of the beginning of it, not
even the scientists."
>


208
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
"The Bible says—" began the young man.
"Yes; and science says-Life is too short to go
into those questions, and we might better talk
of the present.”
The young man took the hint and said:
"You were speaking of your several remov-
als."
“Yes, and in each one I suffered, but it was
after my removal from this last-mentioned place
that the worst of my misfortunes befell me. We
were moved to another burying ground about two
miles further out of town. We were all be-
ginning to feel at home and quite sociable, when
it became necessary to grade the place and cut
streets through. They cut the street through and
left my coffin sticking out about two feet, and
alas! I have never had two feet to stick out
since.
"You see, my coffin was over a hundred years
old, and it all crumbled away, and that is how
I lost my foot. It was as solid and handsome
a leg as you would wish to see, but the rascal
who moved us broke up our coffins, and threw
me into a dirty cart with a score of fellow suf-
ferers, and were dumped into one hole, all in a
heap. Somehow in the transportation my fine
leg was lost, from the knee downward, and as
if this was not enough, as I was the last one I


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
209
had to take this and do the best I can with it.
And, there sits the young lady, who, I am sure,
has my leg, and this is probably hers, as I am
sure that this is a woman's leg, it is so very
small.”
The newspaper man thought just as the ghost
did, for not for worlds would he have dared to
disagree with one of the ghosts down here in the
bowels of the world. The ghost continued :
"It is impossible to portray the mental agony
which one of my size and build experiences as
he is obliged to go limping along in disgraceful
manner, and I assure you that my everlasting
gratitude would be given to the person who could
relieve me of this hideous deformity."
"Why do you not go to the young lady and
ask her frankly if she has not got a leg that
does not belong to her? If so, she would doubt-
less be glad to make the exchange, and perhaps
you will never have the opportunity again. You
would know if it is really your leg, would you
not? If her leg is too small for you your leg
must be much too large for her, and she would
appreciate the exchange.”
“Young sir, I do not know how a young lady
of the present day would take such a thing, but
I assure you I would rather go through all


210
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
i
>
eternity lame than to so sully the purity of a
young girl's mind as to say leg to her. No, no;
I must bear it as best I can.”
“Oh, I say! What is the matter with my
going to speak to her and see what she says? I
will try to get the leg for you to try on, and if it
is yours you can give me hers, and I am sure she
will be as glad as you. I see she taps her own
foot to the music, and I do not doubt that she is
as anxious to dance as can be, and she cannot on
account of this misfortune."
"If it could be so arranged that she would not
know who it was that asked the change, I would
be willing for you to try. That is, on condition
that you will be as delicate as you possibly can,
and we have not much time to work in for as soon
as those who like to dance have enjoyed that
pleasure we are to hold a short convention, and
after that we go outside. But, it would be a
.
great comfort."
The young man sauntered toward the young
lady and noticed that she tried to hide the long
leg and big foot behind her chair, and he felt
emboldened, and addressed her:
"Fair lady, I beg your pardon in advance for
what I am about to say, and I beg you to believe
that I mean no disrespect, but as time presses


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
21!
>
and there are a few more dances on the pro-
gramme, I must tell you the story of another's
misfortune, so that you may understand the case."
Then he hastily told her the whole story of
the lost leg, and by watching her intently he felt
sure that he was right, and finally he asked:
“What would you suggest in order that those
misplaced members might be restored to their
rightful owners?”
"Oh, sir, it is a terrible thing, and I really do
not know what should be done, other than that
you should take the one I have and turn your
back and take it from behind you, and carry it
so, covered with your coat, and bring back mine
in the same way, and manage so that no one shall
see the transfer.”
“Young lady, you are as sensible as you are
lovely, and it shall be done as you say.”
Saying that the young man threw off his coat
and in a moment more had lifted it with some-
thing in it and made his way to the ghost in the
corner waiting for him. He lost no time in
dropping the offending leg as crabs drop theirs
when they like, and tried the other. As he did so
he cried joyfully:
“My friend, accept the thanks of a man who
has nothing else to offer, but please go back to
that young lady and when she is settled please


212
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
offer her my thanks and hopes that she has suf-
fered no inconvenience.”
“I think it would be the fair thing if you
asked her to dance with you since she has been so
long deprived on your account.”
“I couldn't, I really couldn't! I will wait here
until you come back, and I beg you not to be
long."
The young man hastened away on his impor-
tant errand, and soon had the satisfaction of
knowing that the young lady was very grateful
to have her own long lost limb restored. She
expressed herself so gracefully that the young
man thought what a pity it was that she was
dead. On plea of important business he left her,
for he was afraid that she would expect him to
offer to dance with her, but almost before he
reached the ghost who was gleefully stamping his
recovered leg, he saw her being led out for a
polka. And she showed as keen a gusto as the
good-natured ghost had with the pipe and the
rest.
As soon as the young man returned the ghost
who had now become quite cheerful said:
“My dear young friend, what a burden you
have lifted from my heart! You have restored
me my fine leg. What an outrage to permit any
one to be so maimed.”


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
213
ور و
"Had you no friends to protect you against
such treatment?”
"No, for they are all dead, too, and so could
not help me. They all lie in this churchyard,
and probably will be left in peace, but if it is
in human power to get this land where they lie
they like the rest of us will have to make place
for the living. The city will want the ground,
and then it will be, 'Come along old bones, get
up and travel. We need that ground to build on,
and the dead have no rights beside the living.'
"It is a great wrong," said a ghost who up to
now had not joined in the conversation. “I will
tell you a little of my experience, and that will
show how little we weigh in the balance with
dollars. In early days I lived in what was then
the nucleus of Oakland, Cal. I had a little sister,
and she died and was buried in the first cemetery
laid out in that place. It was beautifully located
on the banks of the estuary leading to Merrit's
Lake, and under the great and evergreen old
oaks, and there we left her to sleep. Scarcely a
year had passed when a rich man came and the
only place in all that county to please him was
that little graveyard. He managed to get it
for a residence, and all our dead had to be moved.
Another place was chosen at the head of the lake,
and they were all put there. I had married,
a


214
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
and when my sister was removed my first-born
was laid there too. About ten years later that
place had grown too valuable to be given to the
dead, and our dead were carried off to the foot
hills, and now I am told that the time is not far
distant when they will be taken on to the eternal
Sierras. Now, my mother and father and other
members of my family all lie there, but there is
no one left to see that they are moved in a proper
manner. I wish with all my heart we had all
been cremated. We should all have been just
haunts and not been obliged to drag old bones
around, and run the risk of getting them scat-
tered from Dan to Beersheba."
"I don't mind my bones at all,” said the gloomy
ghost who was now quite chipper, and he braced
up and threw out his chest and smoothed his chin
and looked grand-as grand as the nature of the
circumstances would permit. "I used to be called
a fine figure of a man."
The young man hastened to say that anybody
with half an eye could see that he was still, for
no one else took the slightest notice of him, and
the young reporter was anxious to maintain the
friendliest relations with all the ghosts. Then
the ghost whose peace of mind he had been in-
strumental in saving, walked along with a stately
stride in front of the young lady whose small


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
215
foot had caused him so much anguish of mind.
She had finished her dance by this time and had
been sitting still. By some occult wave of sym-
pathy she sent a sentiment of gratefulness to
him, and in next to no time they were talking
like old friends, but the painful subject of the
exchange of bones was carefully ignored.
The ghost who had spoken in favor of cre-
mation sat down beside the young man and
seemed to wish to enter into conversation, and
as the good-natured ghost had gone off again
and was talking at a lively rate with some men
who all had a sort of air about them which sig-
nalled them as seafaring men, he thought it best
to let the ghost talk. To that end he listened
intently. He continued his complaint:
“There are many more old and almost for-
gotten graveyards in this city, just as there are
in every place of any age at all, and as there are
still some relatives left alive they fight against
allowing the places to be sold, but time flies, and
some day these men will be dead too, and there
will remain no one to defend them and the old
bones will be carted off, and the worst is that we
do get so mixed in these removals. See that man
over there? He belongs to St. Paul's. I think
this and that place will probably be kept in-
violate, but who knows? But they are both so


216
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
awfully crowded, and they kick like anything
about letting any one be buried in either place
now, and in fact no one can be buried there unless
the family owns a vault.
“Now, I suppose that the Families all think it
is a great thing to have a vault, and go down a
step ladder every time they want to pray and
weep over their dead, but I tell you it matters
little where we lie if we can only be left in peace.
If we could all be cremated it would be better for
all concerned, but the ashes should be scattered to
the four winds, for, my young friend, time works
many changes, and the needs of the living are
greater than those of the dead. Right here in the
vaults of St. Paul's that man over there in some
changing about of bodies, lost one of his legs,
and another was chucked into his coffin, so if
you will notice, he has two right legs, and conse-
quently the other man must have the two left
ones.
The reporter did not exactly know how to take
this, and looked at the bony face for something
to show whether this was meant as a pun, or in
simple earnest, but there was nothing to show
that this was the melancholy remains of some
humorist who had passed onward, so he said:
"Our lame friend said something about haunts.
I did not quite understand it. I rather infer that


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
217
they are something ethereal, having no bodies-
or-bones,” he added hesitatingly.
“Haunts, sir; just haunts. Invisible unreali-
ties. There is nothing to them, and they just
hover around. You may have heard of what
some men say who are trying to show you that
there is an odic force loose in the air, and they
wish to prove that disembodied spirits can make
use of this force to render themselves visible to
experts."
"Meaning mediums?” questioned the young
man hastily in his desire to have that question
solved to his entire satisfaction, for he had a
strong leaning to the belief in the occult powers
of one medium in particular who had told him
something he thought no one knew but him-
self.
“My dear boy, if anybody has told you that
mediums or anyone else can materialize a spirit,
that person is seeking to deceive you—possibly
himself also. How is it possible to make some-
thing out of nothing ? Unless it is that they make
money out of the deception they practice? When
I see the swindling wretches trying to make a
fortune out of the grief of one who has lost a
dear one, and who naturally turns to anything
that promises to renew the tie that death has
severed, I feel that I would willingly sacrifice all


218
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
that I have gained toward my final release to
proclaim the truth. No, friend, there is no means
of communication between the living and the
dead. I would there were !"
"Here to-night I have heard that the spirit can
leave the body and go floating around. I see
you here now, and suppose it means just the body
as it is—as yours all are. Will you tell me how
it is done."
"We can for a time drop off all material parts
of ourselves, and then there is but the spiritual
part and that is invisible, and can go anywhere
by a thought. I might explain by asking if you
ever saw a flock of winged ants settle down on
the ground and lift off their wings and leave
them there. When I want to leave my body, or
what is left of it, I just give a lift and somehow
I then leave the body behind and soar away. Soar
after all is not the word to use, for the movement
is more like a flash, and the movement is swift
as thought, and nothing is so swift as that, not
even lightning."
“Oh, tell me one other thing. Is there any
truth in the theory that animals have souls, and
live again after they have died ? I loved a dog,
and he was so faithful, so loving and above all,
so intelligent that I have often wondered what be-
came of my dog after he died. He was born


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
219
>
as we are and died as we do, and in life he showed
all the best qualities, such as honor, devotion,
truthfulness and fidelity, and I could somehow
never feel reconciled to think that a creature so
good and so noble could be lost forever. Tell
me, shall I ever see my dog again?"
“Rest assured that nothing good and true is
ever lost to those who loved it because of its truth
and goodness. I shall expect to find my own
dog, and I am sure that dogs would not have
to wait for their passports as we do, for they are
not filled with evil of every kind on earth, and
besides their suffering when in life must count
for something."
At this moment there was a grand fanfare of
trumpets, and the master of ceremonies stood on
a chair and said in a loud voice:
"All present are invited to be seated as the
convention is about to open.”
The young newspaper man noticed all at once
that while he had been talking with the man
whose words about dogs had filled his heart with
comfort, for he had loved that dog profoundly,
and felt a great void left in his life when that
of his dog went out-there had been a great
change made in the room. The whole great hall
had been fitted up with chairs and there was a
platform. In front of the platform were chairs
a


220
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
a
arranged for special guests, but it was but too evi-
dent that no provision had been made for report-
ers. This rather surprised him, and he asked the
man next him how it was that the Press was not
represented. The man looked at him a moment
as we regard those that ask fool questions, and
then he seemed to relent and answered:
“Sir, there are no newspaper men in this place,
The Master who knows all things knows their
sufferings on earth, and it must be that they get
their passports right away, for there are none
here. I had a chance to become a newspaper man,
to get into newspaper work, but my family
thought law more respectable, so here I am and
may stay ten million years yet. Oh, yes, it is
understood that we must remain here until the
Master sees that we are sufficiently purified from
earthly dross to enter into a higher sphere, where
the most of our earthly sins and sorrows are for-
gotten. We are allowed to forget as fast as we
have earned forgiveness. But, as I said, there
are no reporters here but you, and it is under-
stood that you are not to waste your time in
writing out a report. Nobody would believe it
if you did. Gee! I wonder what the editor of
the paper up the street would
say
if
you
handed
in your report of what you have seen to-night?"


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
221
The young man gave a short hysterical laugh
as he replied:
"He would say, 'Go to the cashier and get what
is coming to you. We publish nothing but
>
facts.'"
Two or three of the ghosts who had heard this
began to laugh derisively, and one or two made
remarks not altogether to the credit of the editor's
perspicacity, and there would doubtless have been
more discussion had not the master of ceremonies
rapped sharply for order, and said:
"All present are invited to take part in this
convention which has been convened for the pur-
pose of endeavoring to right several wrongs and
to elect a master of ceremonies for next year. I
think I am entitled to some repose. In fact I
could not be induced to serve another year in this
capacity.”
"I wonder if anyone asked him to?” whispered
one ghost to another. The reporter looked around
to see the speaker, forgetting that he would not
know anyhow. His surprise was great to ob-
serve that all the women ghosts were seated in
a gallery that he had not noticed before.
The women
were talking with animation
among themselves and paid scant attention to the
proceedings below. They grew so animated once
or twice talking of the fashions which women


222
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
still of the world were wearing, and telling of the
clothes they used to have that they had to be
called to order twice. The master of ceremonies
rapped for order, and said:
"I move that Mr. Alexander Hamilton be in-
vited to act as chairman for this meeting.”
The bishop immediately stood up, saying an-
grily:
"I object! Mr. Hamilton has been chairman
often enough. I move that some one else has
a chance this generation. Besides we want new
blood, new ideas."
“That lets you out, then," said a ghost down the
aisle.
The bishop was too angry to answer, and sat
down indignantly. Another ghost said:
"What is the matter with the general? I see
our fighting general here, and I should like to
remark that Mr. Hamilton is not the only peach
upon the bough. If the general is too modest I
move that the chairman should be some one who
has suffered by the wrongs we are trying to have
righted. Mr. Hamilton is sure that he will never
be removed from here, or if he is it will be with
befitting ceremonies, and he cannot be expected
to feel as do those who have been moved around
until they have no fixed abode, and in consequence
are called tramp ghosts. Of course the general


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
223
will always be honored in death as he was in life,
still I think he ought to be our chairman."
All eyes, or rather, heads were turned toward
a medium-sized ghost who stood up, and it was
easy to recognize the military bearing as he re-
plied:
“Gentlemen” (for the whole audience had ap-
plauded his name), "I am proud to know that you
like me well enough to choose me, but I am not
used to this kind of fighting. Anything else that
I can do I shall be pleased to do.”
Saying this he sat down and so decided was
his movement that no one thought of asking him
to reconsider.
Everybody cheered him except the women,
who were vexed that they had been obliged to go
upstairs. The master of ceremonies grew desper-
ate and said:
“We will ask Mr. Van Der Dam to preside,
with the approbation of the company.'
The company for the most part appeared satis-
fied, though one or two said something about not
liking to have a tramp ghost put above them.
He took his place modestly and began :
“Friends and fellow citizens; I am here before
;
you to see if some way cannot be devised to let
the people above ground know our wrongs, and
ask them to fix it so that every cementery shall


2 24
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
be made enduring and that no matter what are
the demands of grasping people, these places
shall be kept inviolate, and devoted sacredly to
their
purpose, or, if that cannot be done, then let
us all be cremated, not only those who may die,
but also those who lie in places that may become
necessary to the living. What I mean is that
when any old cemetery is to be moved, let them
cremate the bones instead of throwing them into
some filthy old cart all in a heap. We have all
known what one can suffer under this sort of
treatment. It is time that it was stopped. Of
what use is all our boasted civilization if the dead
are obliged to wander around without coffins ?
Yes, and half of them without more than half
their bones. No one seems to care if they get
mixed up and lost, or what becomes of them.
Something ought to be done. I have no more to
.
Saying that he took his seat, and all the ghosts
applauded him, though one or two exchanged
opinions in whispers, saying that though what
he had said was true it wasn't practical. An-
other ghost had just risen to his feet and opened
his jaws—all the ghosts just wagged their jaws
when they spoke-and said Fellow-when there
was a sound of a silvery bell in the distance, yet
its tones vibrated sweetly through this vast place,
say."


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
225
In an instant all was changed. The seats were
gone, and no vestige of them remained. All the
ghosts had changed too, and instead of being
gay and festive, they looked sad and downcast,
and their heads were bent and their whole air
was one of intense dejection.
The young man asked one of the ghosts what
the matter was, and he replied simply "penance,"
and fell into line as if to go somewhere. The
heart of the intrepid reporter sank into his boots
as he looked around for the ghost who had invited
him down here and failed to see him anywhere.
Finally, just as he had lost all hope he felt a light
touch on his shoulder, and turned to see who it
was, and there he stood, grinning.
"Did you think I had deserted you? Well, you
need not have been alarmed, for there is one
thing ghosts don't do, however much they may
have deviated in life, and that is, they tell the
truth. And I told you I would come in time.
“We are now going outside, and you shall see
how some of us have to work to get our passports,
and it may be a lesson for your future guidance.
And, yes, I have thought out how you may ar-
range about the rum. It will be more to your
interest to go up to the museum, and I never was
one to interfere with an appointment with a lady,
so go up there by all means, but if you can and
>


226
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
will, why you can stop and just tuck the bottle
and tobacco and pipe under the stone where I
sat when we first made each other's acquaintance.
I have heard that there are now to be obtained
waterproof matches, and if that is so I would sug-
gest them, for think what a disappointment it
would be not to be able to light the pipe after all!
I shall think about it the whole year, and I do
not know how I could bear such a terrible disap-
pointment.”
The young man felt a glow of shame to think
that he had thought more of his own benefit than
of his promise, and as he thought the good-na-
tured ghost said:
“My dear boy, do not worry over that. You
did quite right, and if you can help that poor
princess you will be doing a meritorious action.
She may be, and probably is able to do all she
asserts. I am sorry that I do not know where
there is any treasure, but I will look around and
make inquiries, and if you have time to see me
at our next anniversary just for a moment I
shall be only too glad to tell you."
"I wish to see you again, not only on the next,
but also all other anniversaries, as long as it shall
be possible, but I have learned too much since i
came down here to-night to ever care for money
again save for what good I can do with it. One
>


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
227
thing I have had in my mind for a good while, a
desire born of things I have seen in and around
newspaper offices and among other publishers.
There is no room for old writers. The cry is
always for new thoughts, fresh ideas and the
finish and depth of thought which the elderly
writers bring are nothing beside the sensational
work of the young man. I have thought some-
times when I saw the reporters rushing off copy,
under high pressure only intent on getting some-
thing so sensational that it would make even the
managing editor hold his breath, that that is not
the kind of thing that ought to be written. The
older men would hesitate to father such stuff,
and because they have culture and conscience
enough to do better and more worthy work no
one will buy it. What I would like to do is to
found a weekly paper where every contributor
should be at least sixty years old. It might be
considered slow by those accustomed to the sen-
sational journals of to-day, but it would be good
mental food, and it would also give the old men
a chance to live.”
"In that way we might learn from the wisdom
of age, in your paper, and be cheered by the
sallies of youth in the others. Is that it?"
“Exactly. But I see no chance of being able


228
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
to do this, unless something now entirely unex-
pected happens.”
“I will try and see if I can't manage to interest
some of the ghosts down here and we can possibly
find the means to help you, for while we naturally
are obliged to leave all wealth behind us, we may
be able to locate hidden treasure for you or at
least a mine."
"I may never be able to carry out my plan,
but this I can promise you, that if I ever see a
body about to be moved I will try to see that it
is comfortably fixed. And, I think I shall al-
ways be a little more careful what I do, and if
you will allow me to say it, I shall always feel
grateful to you for bringing me down here to-
night. As long as I shall live and am able I
shall make it a point to come here every anni-
versary of this night, bringing with me such
creature comforts as I think may prove accep-
table."
"You said that before, but I thank you again,"
replied the ghost, at the same time taking his
hand and shaking it with a feryor not to be ex-
pected in one so long dead, and in the world of
spirits.
By this time the assembly had begun to pass
out of the underground place, and many of the


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
229
ghosts--in fact all of the invited guests and tramp
ghosts faded away, and the young man rubbed his
eyes to see where they had gone. All that he
could determine was that they had been there and
were gone.
They stood in the graveyard again, and the
tramp ghost of Mr. Van Der Dam, the man whose
leg the reporter had been the means of restoring,
bid him a sorrowful good-bye. He shook his
hand until the young man wished in his heart that
the ghost were a little less demonstrative. He
wished him the best of good fortunes, and saying
that disappeared so suddenly and completely that
it made him dizzy.
He now became aware of a subdued murmur
that passed all over the place. The sociable ghost
stood near him by the side of the stone from
under which he had exuded, so to speak, earlier
in the night. He suddenly dropped to his knees,
regardless of the pebbles which might have hurt
the fleshless bones, and began rubbing the stone
actively, while there were sounds of moaning and
sobbing heard all over the place, and in the semi-
darkness the young man saw forms crouching
down by the different headstones.
There was a sound like scouring and scraping,
and then bright, livid lines of light quivered and
trembled along the different tombstones in the


230
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
form of words. At last the young man could not
control his curiosity any longer and asked the
ghost to tell him what it all meant.
“Why just this. We have to come out of our
graves every year and read our own epitaphs.
Then we have to write what we deserved in
truth. I assure you it is not a pleasant task, and
we all wish that our sorrowing friends would only
be so very kind as not to put anything but our
names upon the stones.
"Nobody cares anyhow what is on another's
gravestone, and if any stop to read it it is sim-
ply to make fun of it. To read our own epitaphs
and know how little we merit the extravagant
praise there is one of our sharpest pangs. When
we have shown a proper degree of shame and
remorse over them, then we are allowed a short
time in which we can endeavor to efface the lying
records. We are given the privilege of scouring
them with sandpaper and holystone. We hopa
that when the undeserved epitaph is all worn
away we may be given our passports.
“I suppose you have noticed how much sooner
a gravestone wears away than a building stone ?
Now, here is a granite monument, and down
there, across the street, is a building with the
whole front of the same stone, quarried in the
same year, some of it the same week. The house


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
231
>
is as good as ever, but look at the stone in the
monument. That tells the story.
“See that woman down there trying to rub out
the lies that her family put there. I wonder
I
why it is that the survivors seem to feel con-
strained to put all that stuff on the headstone?"
"I was just wondering," said the young man,
"how it would be if any ghost should outlive his
or her stone. I heard there was a great fire here
once that destroyed many of them. And I know
of a baker who took three or four stones from a
cemetery to bake his bread on. The names were
smoothed off, and I cannot exactly understand
how it all is. Is it that the dead are held for the
sins of their survivors in putting all the false, if
fond, words there?"
“No, not at all. If it were not this it would be
something else.”
All this time the ghost was rubbing away at
his own headstone with greater vigor than one
could have expected, and as the young man looked
at it the ghost said:
"Pretty tough work, but I have succeeded in
rubbing out nearly half this letter in only sixty
years. This word is ‘charitable,' and I never
gave a cent to anybody in charity. I told you I
would explain. Well, here is my epitaph, 'In
memory of Captain , a pious and benevolent
>


232
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
man, whose noble and upright character, calm
demeanor and charitable heart endeared him to all
who knew him. He passed away, leaving a sor-
rowing spouse to whom he was devoted, in the
surety of a life above. He was captain of the
and engaged in the Liverpool and West
India trade. This is a pretty mess to fix up over
your head, now isn't it? Piety and the West
India trade didn't go together in those days. Calm
demeanor! Huh! They called me 'Old Hurri-
cane.' And I was worse than a pirate, for I was
in the slave trade. It is all over now, and the
evil I did can't be undone, but though it may seem
long, there will come a time when I-even I-
shall have become fit for my passport.
“But let me tell you, young man, and try and
remember what I say, if the living only knew
what the dead do there would be a deuced sight
less wickedness in the world. You know that
the preachers have always told us that no matter
what we had done of evil, we would be sure of
complete pardon and forgiveness for it all, even
murder, if we only could say that we accepted
and believed what they told us. So many just
went on and played merry hand at the last
minute sent for a sky pilot and repented, and
were assured by the clergy that they were saved
and sure of heaven,


THE SOCIABLL GHOST.
233
“Now, young man, don't you take any stock in
that at all. Don't forget for one minute that when
you do a thing that your inner self feels to be
strong, you are going to pay for it, and you won't
pay the debt in counterfeit coin, either. If people
only knew enough to understand that that very
inner sense of what is right and wrong which we
call conscience is the law we should follow closer
than the laws made by men, they would be com-
ing nearer to obeying the commands of the Mas-
ter than they do. Unhappily we do not know that
until it is too late, but the Master knows our
motives, our ignorance, the pressure of outside
influence, temptation and environment, and it is
safe to trust to Him, for knowing all and being
our Creator He knows and pities our weaknesses,
and compassionately gives a chance to-and-s0
-well we can—my dear sir, I can say no more
now, for the time is up. Good-bye till next year
-good-bye.”
As the Sociable Ghost said this a bell began to
ring somewhere. At this sound all the ghosts
sank out of sight so swiftly that all the young
man could remember was that the good-natured
ghost had waved his bony hand. The change had
taken place so rapidly that the young man sat
and rubbed his eyes to see if they were open. As


234
THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
the sound of the bell grew louder, night began to
fade before the early dawn.
The young man looked around and found that
he was seated on the very slab where he had been
when he had first seen the Sociable Ghost. He
almost convinced himself that he had had a vivid
dream. He might have come to believe it fully
if he had not found the tobacco paper entirely
empty and the matches all burned. And there was
not a drop of whiskey left.
And as if these facts were not enough, he no-
ticed that it had rained heavily during the night.
There were pools and puddles of water in all the
depressed places. The trees dripped water, but
his clothes were perfectly dry. He was and is still
convinced that this was not the baseless fabric of
a dream, but the reality. He fully intends to keep
his two unsusual appointments next year,
to fulfil his promises.
One good thing came out of this night's ex-
perience, and that is that his heart has ceased
aching in that dreadful way about the marriage
of the girl he loved. In the light of all he learned
it became a chastened sorrow, and he could even
think of it as something that had happened years
agomany of them and we all know that when
a grief reaches that point it is really cured,
and try


THE SOCIABLE GHOST.
235
But he never found the little cat, nor the dog,
and his conscience still twinges whenever he thinks
of his wanton cruelty in bestowing that un-
merited kick on the dog, and throwing the stone
at the cat.
THE END.








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